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veneli · 3 years ago

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Theorizing with what we have

I just listened to the Avior audio (at 2am) and I wrote a VERY long comment with the theories I had about the storyline's significance to others and itself in general under the video, so I wanted to have my stuff elsewhere as well

Spoilers for Inversion, and the latest Avior audio below the cut.

CW: long post, theories

This tore my heart apart in more ways than I could've ever imagined. The hurt and pain in his voice when he says that he had loved them two years ago, loves them two years later that, and he loves them now. Starlight just *going for it* despite not knowing the full story. Avior finding his words with difficulty, the anguish he expressed when telling them that the time crawled in his scape where he would look at Star every day, willing himself to keep you safe, but eventually caving to his own desire to have them back and vowing to keep them safe. The guilt he felt in lying to Star. The crying.

Erik, can I please have some superglue? My heart's in a million pieces and I need to very patiently stick the shards back together. But no worries. Time is everything we have, in the Meridian.

So my previous theories about this being related to the Balance storyline are somewhat confirmed. I will be dumping a huge load of theories and facts I've gathered about this entire storyline and its possible correlations with the other storylines on RedactedASMR, big big big spoilers ahead.

Facts:

Blake is the Dreamwalker who trapped Avior in the Meridian for 2 years.

The first time Starlight got trapped in the Meridian, it was an accident.

The second time was to fulfill Avior's wish to not be alone any longer.

The Meridian takes memories.

Starlight has no memories of the time they spent together with Avior inside the Meridian after they were expelled from it by Avior's magic.

Avior fell in love with Starlight after their first trip into the Meridian. Starlight returned those feelings.

However, losing those memories meant that Starlight did not remember Avior, let alone loving him at all.

Meridian Time passes quicker than Elegy time. (The Prime Meridian, located at 0 degrees longitude, is the line that splits the world into two hemispheres - just like how the Magical Meridian splits the world into one for D(a)emons and one for Humans. It is also used to calculate the time - GMT lies on the Prime Meridian)

2 years in the Meridian equate to barely a few minutes in Elegy time. (might I even say, 1Em = 1My; Em: Elegy minutes; My: Meridian years; 1 Elegy minute = 1 Meridian year)

Avior lied to Starlight to protect them, but everything is going the same again and again and he cannot find a way to keep the only person he loved and yearned for so much, watching them through a window in a magical plane, safe from the magic that draws them into the trap once again.

The playlist of Avior's videos start from the 2nd time Starlight was pulled in. That was why Avior was labelled as "Sarcastic" - that was his wall to protect himself.

It starts to crumble at "Demon Tends to Your Injuries" where Avior is obviously more soft spoken and tender, and the "sarcastic" is gone from his title.

Later, in "Comforted by your Demon" he also tries to put us to sleep, (possibly testing if this was a dream) but the sleep ends up triggering the memories coming back from the Meridian, and him feeling their emotions Starlight felt while experiencing a weird case of Deja Vu revealed to him that his plan was starting to unravel.

This made him defensive as he tried to think of a way to recover, but as the memories kept coming back, Starlight was gaining a perspective on what their past might have been like, 2 minutes, or 2 years ago.

The dream sequences: "No... Don't go... I love you Starlight... You can't have them!... Starlight please..." and a few kisses

The descriptions of the past few videos: "Starlight, Star Bright" (referencing one of Vega's thumbnail texts? "Starlight, Star Bright, worst Star I see tonight, Wish I may, Which I might, Vega swears that he won't bite"); "space may be cold, but the stars are warm" (Starlight is his warmth in the void that is his Hellscape); "It's not Linear" (well TIL that it was in fact, not linear. the playlist isn't linear); "It's only a paper moon" (referencing to an old song that lyrics meant: "it's not make believe as long as someone believes in it", So if Starlight, in the next installment of this series, chooses to believe Avior, it won't be a made-up scenario, and they'll slowly recover from their magic-induced amnesia and fall in love with Avior all over again)

God better hopes that they fall in love with him. Like to hell Avior would let them go. Their relationship is and will be one of my favourites forever - the path they took to find each other again and again is so unique and traumatizing and taxing, they will cherish each other like it's their life mission to protect each other. okay, that's enough yearning.

Theories:

The Meridian wants Starlight (a freelancer), who could possibly be a descendant of a Weaver.

The Window in the Meridian has its weave broken in order to maintain that open window to torment Avior.

The broken "net" weave is the threads that Elliott and Sunshine are looking for to hold onto and hopefully fix.

The Meridian takes memories, just like the River keeps all the memories of those who pass through it.

Could the River be a part of the Meridian, since they both have the ability to collect memories and give them back?

Could the dead on Elegy re-coalesce as D(a)emons in Aria and adopt the personality of the dead human, but not their memories?

If the River were theoretically a part of the Meridian, would Avior and Starlight's repeated attempts at escaping be at the root of the cause of the Imbalance between Life and Death, which allowed the River to Flow Both Ways and deliver Shades from Death onto Elegy through another "rip" in the Meridian's weave, creating the Inversion?

If that were the case, then the countdown to the Inversion would make a lot of sense since *time* was of the essence throughout the Inversion Arc, the Balance Storyline, and in Avior's Hellscape where 2 years equated to less than 10 minutes on Elegy.

Time, Memories, Weavers, the Meridian, D(a)emonic Magic, Elegy, Aria, Closeknit, are the basic players in this race against "Who Can Make It There First? The Inchoate and his Lover, The Dreamwalker, his Partner, and a Deathwalker, or the Dreamwalker and His Cult?"

Secondary characters that are affected by this storyline could be everyone involved in the Inversion. (The Shifters, the Solaires, the DAMN family)

The Meridian is like a mesh net, since Avior could still get his energy back after his fall. The Meridian was supplying him with the magic he needed through the other side of itself - Aria.

Closeknit is doing everything they can to stop the Dreamwalker couple from fixing the Meridian, so that Blake can keep them shut on the other side.

If the hole in the Meridian closed after Star came back into the Meridian, do the Threads still show?

What is the cause of the imbalance? Is it the mixture of demon and dreamwalker magic? having two magical beings trapped inside of the Meridian? Is the Dreamscape blocking the flow of of magic?

Why does the Meridian want Star? Does it think it can fix the hole in the Meridian?

What is the Veil? Does it take memories for the River? Is it the end of the Meridian? Does it collect personalities for the D(a)emons?

I also find it very interesting that the Meridian, at first a rather inanimate thing in the magical world that allows magical beings to pass through one plane to another. However, now that the Meridian has been described to have wants and thoughts and a collection of memories, and it's apparent sadistic intentions of watching Avior suffer through watching the love if his life through a window he created, then making him do the thing he didn't want to do the most - bring them in and use them to fuse the Meridian - makes the Meridian more animated, like an actual character that has no sound, no speech, no lines, no form. (However, if you consider the voices from Death during the Inversion, that could be an imagination of the Meridian's voice, if it could have one.) It's scary as well as intriguing at the same time, but I like to take risks, and I need to know what happens next!!

#eli’s head is empty just them #theorizewitheli #redacted asmr #redacted avior #redacted starlight #redacted brachium #redacted aria #redacted elegy #redacted elliott #eli’s rambling #redacted meridian #redacted blake #redacted closeknit #redacted weavers #magical history class 101 with Gavin would sure come in handy right about now

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painted-crow · 3 years ago

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Hey I hope this isn’t awkward but that post about your burned badger (lion?) secondary really hit home for me. I’m pretty sure I’ve had the same burned model in the past - I think I started off with a healthier badger/lion model (I can’t figure out which and am still figuring out my sorting anyway) and some external life stuff going on later, I’m really just pushing through and getting stuff done with all the delicacy of a brick. And same here with the emotional rollercoaster ... 1/2

And same here with the emotional rollercoaster of it between panic/apathy. And the burnout. And the ignoring physical pain. And I can see now how this was uh. Pretty unhealthy actually but it really was just so. effective especially given the circumstances and I kind of miss it in a way. It would be nice if I could get back a healthier version of whichever model it was. Anyway I love reading your blog you always have such insightful things to say thanks for reading this ramble <3 2/2

💙💙💙 :D

Not awkward! I'm glad that was useful for someone, rather than just being an angst dump on my part lol

Emergency secondary mode, Badger or Lion?

Links to previous posts:

- post describing my emergency secondary mode (cw for burnout stuff)

- the worst version of this post (cw for terrible memes)

So, after a lot of consideration and chatting with some lovely SHC people (looking at you @mooglesorts and you @magpie-of-a-birb), I've come to the tentative conclusion that I have a Lion secondary performance.

Which is not something I ever expected to say! I've long had a knee-jerk "aaaaa scary!" reaction to Lion secondary, but actually I think that's because I have this performance and I've had to use it in unsustainable ways.

I should probably put a trigger warning here for self harm through overwork... yeah.

So, I found this song:

youtube

(While it is a bop, it is also x2 trigger warning combo for self harm ahaha)

This song's primary is exploded Glory Hound Lion--that's not what's relatable about it to me tho. What I wanted my friends' opinion on was the secondary that's displayed here. Sounded familiar. So I brought it up on the SHC Discord server (which is out of beta, dm me for an invite link if you wanna join!).

I was thinking it might actually be the fully Burned "anything that works" secondary, but Magpie was like "no, that's a Lion sec with a Snake model" and I went "huh..."

...and then Moogle was like no that's a snakesec with an unhealthy Lion model, the masks aren't working so they're busting out Lion--and especially there's the focus on the character feeling powerful because they can hurt themself with it and keep going anyway

And I was like "oh shit that tracks more than I was expecting it to... whoops"

Badger hits different without unhealthy pressure

I do have and use a Badger secondary model, and I used to think my emergency secondary mode was just my Badger model taken to unhealthy extremes. But I don’t think so now.

First, because I actually think that my emergency mode is/was often a product of my exploded Badger primary model, which itself idealized Badger secondary.

I'm still picking through that thing's shrapnel and finding its influence in old memories and automatic reactions I still have and stuff like that--not to mention rooting it out of my system. Which is to say, now that I know what I'm looking for, I'm still discovering how far back this thing goes! Turns out I've been trying to whack this piñata for years, and it used to be so much worse.

The self-destructive "I'd rather run myself hard into the ground than fail" nature of my emergency mode makes a lot of sense in retrospect. When you tie your self-worth to achievement... well: the lyrics "I'll never lose / I'll never die" from the song seem less "I have achieved immortality!" and more "I basically equate failure with death." This song really straddles that edge of relatable but also obviously messed up. It's... something.

Second, my Badger secondary model is very different when it's not under pressure from the 'splodey primary model. I'm kind of having to figure out what it's like without that and it's weird. It seems to be a whole lot more chill and also I'm getting more Courtier than I'm used to?

Yeah, turns out if you dig out "you should help other people to justify your existence, but don't accept help back or it cancels it out" from your system (because damn, there's a system piece I didn't look at closely enough) it might have been holding up Courtier potential you haven't been using.

What's the difference?

I don't know who pointed this out first, I think I read it somewhere, but Badger secondary is very process focused and Lion secondary is very results focused. (Bet you this was from @wisteria-lodge. I'm not sure, though.)

Badger usually shows up as a few main things for me: mirroring, chipping away at big projects, picking up life maintenance and self care type tasks (especially when Bird secondary is burned), and caregiving/service stuff. It can also Burn on its own, which is its own brand of "motivation is a cryptid" exhaustion. None of this looks like Lion, so where does the confusion come in?

The only time my Badger model starts to look like Lion--and here the line really blurs with the performance--is when I've tried to get it to do tasks it's not really meant for. There are things I need Bird unburned in order to tackle (perhaps it's the presence of burned Birdsec that gets in the way? That injured confidence can be really debilitating) and I can't do them with just Badger.

I'm sure actual Badger secs know how to, say, learn Adobe Illustrator's unbelievably complicated controls while under deadline using Badger, but I have no clue. I powered through using probably the least efficient controls possible. (If you're using the nudge tool as a form of measurement, you're probably doing it wrong. I'm guessing.)

Needless to say, that's exhausting. I think there's some point in the project timeline where it stops being "well it's not efficient but at least I'm making progress!" and starts being fueled by raw stubborn determination and a little bit of spite. The contentment with the process goes out the window. I'm fighting my own perfectionism (and usually losing) because I just want this thing done.

Which, that's not necessarily a bad thing! Sometimes it's really useful to be able to go "screw it" and charge. It becomes a bad thing when you ignore all your other needs to do it, possibly because you've tied success and/or productivity to your self worth, and also you're still clutching your perfectionism and hissing "my precioussssss."

also:

It's not always obvious, but I sometimes use Lion secondary in ways not connected to the splodey Badger primary model.

(Occasionally it is obvious though... haha)

I do have this one story about realizing my younger brother might be in danger and charging off to find him, armed with a heavy wooden coat hanger against potential assailants. I went from Bird situational analysis to "this is the best weapon I can find on short notice" in like 30 seconds. In my defense, I was very sleep deprived at the time.

(It makes more sense in context.)

(Sort of.)

so.

I think the emergency secondary mode is a Lionsec performance.

This post took me like a month to write even after figuring it out. And then another few weeks collecting dust in my drafts, because how do you edit something like this

But I've been sitting on it for way too long and I'm tired of saying I should finish/post it, and tonight I'm feeling bored and a little impulsive... so, screw it--I'm calling this done.

(can you hear it? it's there... fighting my Birdsec/Badgersec model perfectionism again.)

(this time, I will listen.)

#sortinghatchats #shc performances #gryffindor secondary model #(i don't have tags for performances alas)#hufflepuff secondary model #burned ravenclaw secondary #splodey badger primary model #secondary toast revolving door #asks #paint speaks

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shenanigans-and-imagines · 4 years ago

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Zena Lorell Spark Sheet

These are just a series of notes/dialogue about Zena. I thought it might be fun for y'all to see the writer's equivalent of a sketchbook. I'm still admittedly working her out, so let me know what you think works!

Random Scenes/Dialogue

At some point Din leaves Zena to look after the kid while he scout out a small town. Zena gets bored and decides to play some games with Grogu to pass the time. The first game is hide and go seek. It takes a while for Grogu to get the point of the game, but soon enough he catches on. Unfortunately for Zena, Grogu is a little too good and the second she starts to look for him, the little womp rat is no where to be found. She basically tears the ship apart and then starts to look outside, now starting to get worried Din might kill her if she doesn’t fine him. Then she hears a soft cooing from the trees.

Somehow, the kid managed to get himself all the way up the tree and is smiling his little face off.

Zena knows she has to get him down, but seeing as trees had never been a thing she had to deal with growing up, climbing to get him proves to be a challenge. And what’s worse, once she’s up there, she very quickly discovers she’s got a little think about heights.

It’s in this state Din finds him. Grogu smile in a tree with Zena clinging onto the branch for dear life.

—————————————

Early on they have to work out living arrangements since Din does need to sleep and has to take off his armor at least to shower. For a while that means Zena is sleeping in the cockpit, but her back can’t take it for long. Eventually, she comes up with a solution. She buys a huge thick blanket from a local market and brings it back to the ship. She then gets some rope and divides the space in half. She even gets some beads to put on the bottom so Din can hear if the curtain is being moved.

With the new sleeping arrangements, late night conversations start to become a thing.

—————————————

“It just feels weird that I don’t even know your name. Or is that another thing I’m not allowed to know?”

“Din. My name is Din.”

“Do you want me to call you that?”

“Whatever you want.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

—————————————

Grogu goes over to Zena’s side of the ship to sleep with her at night sometimes.

—————————————

“You sound different.”

There was a small shuffle of sheets on the other side, and decidedly no answer.

“Are…are you not wearing your helmet?”

An awkward pause followed.

Zena felt her blood go straight to her cheeks. Of course, she knew he had to take the helmet off at some point, but knowing it logically to be the case and for it actually to be confirmed were two different things.

“I can’t see you,” she assured, a little too quickly.

Again, silence. She held her breath, her ears straining for even the small hint of movement. After what felt like years, he finally spoke.

“I know.”

She let out a small breath of relief. Still, the awkwardness hadn’t left the air. She needed to say something.

“I like your voice.”

He didn’t say anything. It was getting ridiculous. She wished she could at least see the outline of his body. Then she could at least read his shoulders. If her cheeks didn’t set fire to the fabric, it was going to be a miracle.

“Thank you. I…like your voice too.”

Something about his tone made her stomach flip. She imagined downcast eyes and an awkward smile. Was he blushing? Could he blush?

“Goodnight, Zena.”

“Goodnight, Din.”

—————————————

Zena is not a fighter and needs lessons in shooting and basic self-defense.

The first time she and Din meet Cara, Zena goes outside and points her blaster at Cara to keep her from attacking Din.

“Stop right there!” Zena snapped.

The woman whipped around, her eyes making quick assessment of the threat.

“Safety’s on,” she smirked.

Zena looked down at the blaster; first mistake. In a second the woman had knocked the blaster out of her hand and sent Zena flying with one solid kick.

Options of where to place her introduction episode:

Before “Sanctuary”:

Pros:

Motivation for Din coming to Mir is to lay low; he comes to Zena looking for accommodations, money she receives is for lodging

Bounty Hunters are the one to scope out Zena’s place, she lies and that’s why her place gets robbed and eventually burned down

Her lying for him adds to Din’s guilt

Chance for Zena to get to know Grogu a bit before joining Din

She is there during the events of “Sanctuary”

Nice ending where Din says there is no reason why she can’t stay. “It’s green,” he offered. “And a lot safer.” “And you still owe me 10,282 credits,” she countered, though not as harshly as before.

Cons:

Din is still in a place mentally where he’s willing to leave Grogu behind if it means it’s safe

The lesson that they need to stay on the move might come too early: solution, have Din forced to land on Mir post escape and have Zena fix the Razor Crest as form of payment (Din knows Mir is too much of a hot spot to stay permanently)

Zena not likely to go along with the idea of lying low on a nowhere planet, when she just left a nowhere planet and Din still owes her money; solution, Din insist they’re still too hot after Mir and need some time to cool off, and there has to be some small time stuff he can do in the meantime

Not much for her to do since she’s not much of a fighter (on the other hand, good excuse to establish how less skilled she is compared to Din and Cara)

After “Sanctuary”:

Pros:

Din is now securely in the “keep on the move and make money where we can” mindset

Motivation for coming to Mir is to pick up some non-guild work better suited to such a far off out-post

For my own personal reasons, all the exposition about how long Din has been wearing the armor and the rules involved have been told and so doesn’t feel like a rehash

Zena more likely to not fight Din tooth and nail about landing on Tatooine

Zena’s first/second outing with Din involves getting shot at; ability to test her resolve earlier on

Cons:

Not much for her to do, probably spends most of the time either working on or commenting on repairs: Din volunteers her to work on the ship instead of the droids?

She and Din are more antagonistic, him leaving her behind with the ship is a struggle

Just not as fun of an episode to explore her and Din’s dynamic

Final decision; Introduce Zena in between “The Sin” and “Sanctuary”.

Din has to make a pit stop on Mir due to trouble with the Razor Crest. He knows Bounty Hunters are still hot on his tail, but it’ll give him a minute to think about where to go next with the kid. He goes to Zena for repairs.

Damage to the ship will take a few days, so for some extra money Din offers to pay for he and the kid to stay in Zena’s spare room.

Local gangsters try to rough up Zena a bit for protection money. (They know she’s got money saved, they’re just no sure where it is) Din steps in, which gets them to back off for the moment. Some exposition of Zena’s situation; she’s on her own, gangsters have always been a problem, but post Endor they’ve been even more of a nuisance since the New Republic isn’t stable enough to get anyone all the way out to Mir, and she doesn’t need help.

“You’re going to leave Mandalorian,” she said, bitterly. “And the second you do, they’ll be back and pissed. So, do us both a favor and pretend you’re not even here.”

Her father was in debt to the gangsters? It took her a long while to pay off the debt and she’s just now getting herself enough money to buy a ship. Gangsters don’t want her to buy a ship since she’s basically the only mechanic they have they can squeeze for repairs.

Din later apologizes for butting into her business, and she apologizes too, recognizing he was just trying to help

Need at least one nice little bonding moment between Zena and Grogu; Grogu actually seems to like her cooking, she has him hold some of her tools and play with the less dangerous ones, etc.

Bounty Hunter arrives looking for Din and the kid

Zena lies to cover for them

Bounty Hunter then meets up with the gangsters and figures out Zena was lying; Bounty Hunter and the gangsters then decide to form an alliance to capture Din and keep Zena on Mir

Fight breaks out; Din, Zena, and Grogu are able to escape, but all of Zena’ saving are left behind and her place to all but burned to the ground

“I can drop you wherever you’d like,” he offered. “There are plenty of space ports looking for a good mechanic. You could even join a crew, if that’s what you want.”

There was a long pause, the distant, harden looks never leaving her face.

“Do you have someone you can stay with,” he tried. “Friends? Family?”

“No.”

“Then where—”

“No!” She rose to her feet, anger fueling her. “You’re not just going to dump me on some back water stink hole! It’s your fault Cane and his crew decided to escalate things. It’s your fault that bounty hunter showed up. And it’s your fault everything I own save for the clothes on my back are burned to a crisp. Your fault. You pay for it.”

#star wars #the mandalorian #star wars oc #the mandalorian oc #din djarin #din djarin x oc #grogu #zena lorell

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zirkkun · 4 years ago

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Yo you have every right to be upset about things! You're still a person with your own feelings and deserve to be treated kindly. No one should come at you for making things you enjoy or for misunderstandings. I hope things get better for you even if I wasn't here for when all the drama happened (or maybe I was and just wasn't aware of it? I tend to avoid drama as much as possible tbh)

I didn't really post about it much. I think I answered about 4 asks about it (three of them in the same post because i was sure it was the same anon due to the similar string of seemingly continued messages) and the rest I just deleted as soon as they came in, but I got... A lot. A lot of mean things said too. Kinda hurts when you wanted to make something because you knew this work was highly criticized and wanted to let people give it a second chance only to be shot down by the people you were hoping to defend lol

In short, and a lot of it I missed because I was blocked by a lot of people so my friend sent me screencaps; someone took I believe only the old ask box post I had for ULR, which at the time was called "Underlust Rewrite," and was disgusted at the fact that everything was revamped and "made for kids" (because it's not 18+ explicit content, but as I've said before, it's just cause I'm too scared to be horny on main, and I've literally made a whole different biological system for ULR so I can write the necessary story ""sex scenes"" without it being human-like sex or otherwise uncomfortable or too explicit for me to draw, but I still consider it a mature story overall), so they blocked me instantly here and on twitter and then made a callout post on twitter itself. People were telling me originally to stop calling the AU Underlust, and I didn't really get it at first, because like, what's the difference between my spinoff and, say, Underlust Gold, Swapfell Indigo, TS!Underswap, you know, names that have add-ons from the original title to differentiate it but still connect it to the source. So that's what I said, as well as if I removed the Underlust name, it would be considered stealing to me, because I'd be disconnecting it from the source. But apparently, instead, what had been the concern was that it was just being called "Underlust" and the "Rewrite" aspect was implying I was replacing the original story, which like, had never been my intention and I've made a bunch of things with both the ULR and UL cast together and love the idea of Lust and Ace meeting up and just being a disaster duo of not working together at all. I just adore Underlust like it's in my pinned FAQ, Lust's been in my banner for months now, and he's practically my staple pfp character on every account but here atm.

It took like 3 days for it to actually click what was going on, because once I finally got the chance to have a conversation with someone where they weren't telling me I was the scum of the Earth -- which, honestly, bless the three people I talked to, they were so sweet (which actually included someone from the Japanese side of the fandom whose art I loved too... yeah it got pretty far. Once I sent them a message though it was cleared up quickly and they did post a clarification post about ULR and me, so that was nice to see.) -- I finally got the chance to realize that this was a misunderstanding from the beginning, from both sides, where people coming at me were saying I was doing all of the stuff above and probably more but those stuck the most, while I was confused as to where this information and accusations were coming from and what they were referring to in the first place. They probably never explained it in the anon asks because, well, they probably assumed I knew what I was doing, but when they came at me about something I didn't do with vague context of something I did do, I was very confused, and got really defensive really quickly, and really honestly snapped pretty hard. After my first initial explanation post and people were still trying to tell me to stop ULR/don't call it Underlust/whatever else there was, I just got tired and told people to block me if they didn't like it. But that didn't really stop anyone and honestly made it worse because that's when I started getting really nasty messages. I like... Specifically remember one where someone called me a lowlife and a thief, and that one stuck the most, but I tended to not read through them before deleting them for my own sanity. I actually did this to one of the people who'd later talked to me calmly about it at first too, because I had just woken up, and really didn't want to read an essay lecture on everything everyone's been telling me at the crack of 7am when I was borderline ready to delete my account and start over lol

Some people I do remember were accusing me of trying to censor nsfw content or erase it as well because ULR isn't 18+, and I'm out here on my horny ass like "wh. What are they talking about, where did you get that idea, have you SEEN my ao3 recommended list," /j but in all seriousness I really didn't understand that accusation at all because I've never been against nsfw content in the slightest and lowkey? This is very dumb -- but like, you know how they say when you get hate mail, you know you've made it? Well, for me, my thought has always been, "When there's 18+ fancontent of my OC's, I'll have finally made it." This is... Not a joke, some of my friends think its very weird LMAO oh well. I've been on the internet for far too long at this point -- like, definitely since I was far too young, probably, and being with a family of the next youngest being 12 years older than me, I really dove into stuff pretty quickly I definitely shouldn't have, but hey that's life -- I'm really unfazed by mostly anything now. Hell, me making ULR was honestly half motivated by me wanting to make others more comfortable with this kind of media, discussing sexuality and otherwise sexual-considered topics, without really being embarrassed or bothered by it. Because, people talk about death and killing and whatever other gorey stuff just fine, but the moment sex comes up, people just gasp in awe, y'know? I kind of grew up that way myself but like... ironically, in being more comfortable with my asexuality, I realized that it's honestly not that big of a deal. Sure, we don't need to hear the details of everything. We don't need to hear the details of a murder either. But I will never understand how murder is always the lowest on the "morally wrong list of things to not to" to so many people and that it's fine to mention, but even consider bringing up anything else and it's like, a sin and you're a bad person. Even racism is like, higher up on there for a lot of people, which it's like... this is an issue that needs to be discussed, or it can never be solved. You can't just kick that away and hope it goes away on its own, that's never how it works.

Ah, well, now I've gone off tangent lol. Sorry to make you read a blob of text lmao but having things in a cohesive format of what I've been thinking does feel a bit better. Thank you for the support regardless, and I do want to keep making what I really enjoy, because frankly, I really want to make things that make people take a step back and think for a moment, y'know? Things that invoke like a realization in yourself about something you didn't even know. That's how fiction's always been for me, so I want to give back by making it that way too. ... maybe my horny content is exempt from this however. That's just. Self indulgence LMAO.

Probably helps that I'm actually talking this all out for once, too, since before any of this I tried to keep as much of the situation contained to myself as possible in hopes I could clean it up before it got too bad. That was, in hindsight, probably a terrible idea lol. But I didn't want to be a source of stress for anyone following me or become the new creator-to-defend that like, 50% of people hate and 50% of people love and that you're either on one side or the other and there's no where in between. (I feel like Arin Hanson comes to mind for me every time I think of someone like this.) I know I can't please everyone and I knew internet hate would come eventually, but like, didn't expect it to be over a name or tag choice. I thought that would be a simple enough DM or clearable thing but apparently not, especially since I saw someone a few weeks ago delete their blog over a similar thing (though, the opposite, in a way: posting nsfw in a sfw tag by mistake). It wasn't in the UT fandom so y'all probably weren't following them (tbf I wasn't either, I just witnessed it happen from start to finish), but it was still disheartening.

Anyway, thank you, and sorry to make ya read all of that (if you actually did vahdbs don't blame you if you don't it's a lot of thought dump lmao)💕💕

#zircon answers #anonymous #all this happened like the DAY i got accepted onto the bhc team to and i was like #alright guys am i being kicked out day one lol #like i was expecting the worst from this whole thing #but im still kind of happy with how i worked it out #i really wish more people were like #willing to talk things out rather than just spit in a general direction and hope youll listen #because like even the people i talked to calmly some of them were pretty rude at first! but!#theyre not bad people #they were just scared for their favorite thing #i cant blame them for that and honestly i do consider the hatred justified under the circumstances that they knew #but they were all really nice after we talked things out #and were like 'i hope your series does well' and that really meant a lot honestly #death mention tw//

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waterboysokka · 4 years ago

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What You Look Like; ATLA oneshot

Summary: It was easier when Zuko never had to explain why he had his scar. It was easier whenever everyone took to the common theme to never ask. It's harder to avoid a blind girl who doesn't even know it's there. (Three weeks post-canon)

Word count: 3,882

Note: Hii! Welcome to the first ATLA fic related thing I’ve posted on here so far :) This is a one shot that basically is deep 5am talks with Zuko and Toph. I dunno, I love their friendship and I felt like it had the potential to be so deep and intellectual. Soooo, that’s what this is! It’s basically Toph asking about Zuko’s scar (I saw a fic rec list of this prompt somewhere but now I can’t find it?? I would link it if I could!) Anyways, I listened to disney lullaby songs while writing this bc it just?? fit? Idk, it’s soft and kinda sad... But besides all of that, I hope you guys like it!! It’ll also be up on my AO3, which is linked in my bio!

Toph groaned as she rolled over once more in the bed that she could tell was just all-too big for her. She hadn’t asked for a separate room, she actually didn’t mind sleeping with the rest of the group, but Zuko's maids had insisted on each of them getting their own room since there were so many to go around.

It had been only three weeks since the defeat of Ozai and Zuko’s overtaken the role of Fire Lord. She continued to forget that he wasn’t just a prince anymore, he now had responsibilities- bigger than any of them had realized.

So when he had asked them to stay with him until things got in order, none of them were opposed. Maybe it was because they weren't quite ready to adjust to their new life in totality yet, or maybe they were fearful about losing their friend to the immense amount of stress that he had just been put under.

Whichever it was, it didn’t matter, because they were still here as a team for Zuko.

But all of that didn’t change that the bed that she was put in was incredibly uncomfy for it to be owned by royalty. She felt like she was drowning in sheets and slowly getting devoured by the mattress itself.

Frustrated, Toph groaned and pushed herself out of bed. She needed tea. After being here for a couple of weeks, she was finally able to understand the layout of the palace without being attached to Aang or Sokka’s arm, as she used to be. She knew it was thirty-two steps down the hall to the right, then down the stairs, and one hundred and twelve steps to the kitchen- not counting the columns she’d have to dodge.

She hummed softly as she counted in her head the steps confidently, knowing she didn’t miscalculate considering that this was the fifth time she’d done this walk to get tea since they’d arrived.

“Toph?”

The voice startled her- not because she couldn’t sense someone there, but because she didn’t expect anyone to be awake. All the other times she had done this she had been the only one.

“Zuko?” She asked and raised an eyebrow. “Wouldn’t expect you to be awake.” “I could say the same thing to you,” Zuko replied.

“Well, I’m just down here to get some tea and then I’m leaving,” Toph explained nonchalantly and walked around the bar, feeling her way down the long, cool counter to the tea kettle (which Iroh conveniently pulled back out at night once the maids left for her after she told him about her occurrences). As she got closer to the tea kettle, the counter got increasingly hotter until she jerked her hand back in shock.

“Did you make tea?” She asked Zuko, who she could tell was now sitting at the long table.

“Mhm,” He murmured, and she heard him take a long sip of it.

Toph rolled her eyes, already knowing that Zuko’s tea was nothing in comparison to Iroh’s. Luckily, she had learned from Iroh about the best way to make tea for herself and it sufficed. Zuko’s wouldn’t- it was basically hot leaf water.

“Are you dumping it out?” Zuko asked, perplexed. His voice wasn’t raspy, which was a hint to Toph that he had been awake much longer than she had realized. Had he even gone to sleep?

“I’m not drinking hot leaf water,” Toph answered with a shrug and began the stove up again to make a much better mixture.

It was silent for a while after that while she worked. She could tell that Zuko was still there, just sitting and silently sipping his tea. He was stressed, he was anxious. She deduced that this probably had something to do with the reason why he wasn’t asleep, and she couldn’t blame him.

Even after the hard time she had given Zuko, she still knew that being the Fire Lord wasn’t a breeze even though he liked to surface-level it to everyone. No one believed what he said, not even for a minute. Which was another running contender for their prolonged stay.

The tea kettle began to hiss, and she immediately took it off of the stove, cautious not to wake anyone else up, and poured herself a cup. She got ready to leave when something in the back of her mind tugged at her to sit with Zuko, just for a minute.

So, that’s what she did.

Toph approached the table and felt around the chair sides and pulled it out for herself. She placed the drink on the table in front of her and plopped down into the seat, adjusting herself to where her tea was placed promptly in front of her for convenient drinking.

“I feel weird asking this, but how ya been holding up?” Toph said as she took a sip of her tea, she took a long sip of it, even though it had definitely burnt her tongue because she hadn’t waited long enough for it to cool.

“Good,” Zuko replied. It was a short reply, one that she definitely expected from him.

Silence hit again. She wasn’t very good at opening up to people on her own, let alone having other people do it with her. But she felt like she understood Zuko in a better way than some of the others, and she couldn’t depict why- she hadn’t ever asked about his past or even what his plans were for the future… or even what he looked like.

“I bet it’s hard,” Toph said, “getting thrown into running an entire Nation.”

“Yeah,” Zuko replied with a sigh. “But it’s what I expected. It’s what I was born to do.”

Another hit of silence. Toph blew on her tea to cool it off and heard Zuko do the same.

“How, though?” Toph asked bluntly. It was her only move she knew to continue the conversation. She was curious.

Zuko hadn’t spilled much of his life to anyone except for Aang, and while they were all incredibly close now, it had never seemed to come up about his past- just like it hadn’t ever come up about her’s or Suki’s. They were all too busy fighting and defeating Ozai that they had forgotten that they didn’t know much about each other.

Zuko sighed and she watched his outline run his hand through his hair (she presumed he had hair, unlike Aang, who she’d been notified to be bald).

“What do you mean how? Azula’s younger than me,” Zuko explained. Toph could tell he was bordering defensiveness. She pressed on anyways.

“You wouldn’t have wanted to fight your dad or your sister if there wasn’t a reason,” Toph said. “It just doesn’t add up like that.”

Zuko’s heart rate quickened. He wasn’t speaking. Toph knew this all too well- the attempt to create a lie that threw off the actual answer. He should really have known by now that that wasn’t going to work.

“Don’t lie. I can tell you’re trying to,” Toph bluntly pointed out. She took another sip of her tea and then placed it down in front of her again.

“I was banished. I had to find the Avatar to restore what I thought was my honor. I did that for three years before deciding it wasn’t right and my destiny was to join Aang,” Zuko explained in an overly-simplified, overly-glazed way. Toph rolled her eyes. “I already know that part. I’m talking about before that. I wanna know why you were banished.”

“Why? I thought you were going back to sleep.”

As much as he had worked on letting people in, this unexpected press of information of his past- from Toph of all people- was close to stepping over the line. He didn’t have time for this. He had things to do, orders to get through with, staff and guards and armies to command. He had his job to do once dawn broke.

Toph didn’t answer and took another long sip of her tea.

“I said something I shouldn’t have in a meeting.”

“And?”

“There is no ‘and’. I said something I shouldn’t have, it upset him, and he banished me.”

“Just like that?” Toph raised an eyebrow. This conversation was going nowhere fast, and she knew it. She could bail out now and go and sleep until the sun rose in a few hours before she started asking the big question.

“Mhm.”

She rolled the idea around in her head in the silence and opted against it. This question had nagged at her for a long time, and although it seemed to be like pulling eye teeth, it needed to be asked. She wasn’t sure if she could even go back to sleep anyways.

“What does Aang look like?” She asked. She started simple- one she knew that he could answer in a breeze. She felt his heart rate drop down to a more normal rate and his body relaxed.

“Hmm,” Zuko thought. He didn’t say anything for a minute, as if to gather the best explanation of his friend as possible. As much as it probably shouldn’t have been, it was a lot of pressure to describe one of their closest comrades to her. He hadn’t ever really thought about what Aang looked like- he just knew. He could just see him and know that, well… he was Aang.

“Well, ah… He’s short. Yeah, just a little bit taller than you, actually. He’s bald, obvious- well, maybe not obviously… sorry,” Zuko stuttered. “He has really big blue eyes. Like huge. There’s always like an adventure behind them, too. You can just tell that he’s always looking ahead- looking forward to something. He has his Airbender tattoos that are light blue and they’re, ah… they’re arrows. They start at his forehead and travel round his arms and wrists and stuff… it’s cool. He’s super thin, but I don’t know if you can see that- well, not see, but I didn’t know if that was important, er… maybe not.

He smiles really big, too. His whole face is centered around his smile. Katara told me that when he grew his hair out, it was brown, but I’ve never seen it… he wears lots of oranges and yellows, too. It’s pretty standard Air-Nomad colors.

I can’t really think of anything else… I think… I think that may be all.” Zuko breathed a sigh of relief as he tapered off what seemed to be his one long run-on sentence. He was known to do that when he was uncomfortable, or even under pressure. Hell, sometimes tired, too. These were all things he was feeling. He glanced up at a Toph who was looking up- not necessarily across the table to him. Just… up. A small smile was planted on her lips.

“I hope that helped some,” Zuko said and took another sip of his tea. He didn’t even realize how dry his mouth had gotten. It shouldn’t have been a difficult task describing Aang, but it was deemed to hold a lot more responsibility than just some random bystander looking for the Avatar. He knew he had to do it justice for Toph.

“Okay, now Katara,” Toph said as she flicked her gaze back down to reality. She took her teacup in her hands and cradled it to give her hands warmth. Zuko’s eyes widened for a second at the realization that she was going to go through the entire group. He cleared his throat and thought for a couple minutes, just like he had with Aang. “Well, she’s taller than you and Aang. But, she’s not really tall… just- average. She’s just average height. She has long, ah… dark brown hair? Sorry, I don’t know hair colors that well. Anyways, she also has big eyes, but not in the same way as Aang’s. You can kinda just… read her whole past in her eyes if you wanted to. You can see the pain and the fear that she’s… yeah. Uh, and they’re blue- like, deep, icy water blue. Her lips are naturally downturned- I think, but… you know how Katara is. She also has these two… what’d Sokka call them? These two… hair loopies that come down and… I dunno… frame her face? Her and Sokka have kinda ah… like a golden complexion? Not like gold- please, don’t think they’re gold- but it’s a deep tanned shade… I guess. I don’t know, it’s hard to say without sounding weird or… The colors that her and Sokka wear are the ones of the Water Tribe, so lots of blues and whites and stuff… they complement their eye colors and skin tone, too… Katara kinda has this disposition where she could hug you or fight you at the same time if that helps… I don’t know.”

He ran his fingers through the divots of the wood carved out in the table from wear-and-tear over time. They were smooth curves now, no rigid edges or stray wood to prick his fingers like they used to when he was a kid. It was his distraction, ultimately, from his stumble of a description of his friends, and mostly, Toph’s reaction.

There was no talk again for a minute, only the faint sound of fire igniting briefly for Zuko to heat up both of their teas. He wasn’t sure of the time anymore, but they had been sitting long enough for their drinks to no longer carry any warmth, which signified a significant length of time.

“Sokka?” Toph asked. He watched as her gaze, just as before, leveled back out with where her head was positioned.

“He… well, he looks like Katara, except… if Katara was a guy. They are siblings so it makes sense. He’s, ah… how do I say this- he’s not built. He’s super… think like a piece of wood. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing I think it kinda fits him, I guess. Oh, he’s taller than Katara and shorter than me… I wish I had a better visual to give you besides just the in-between height of Katara and I. His eyes are the same type of blue as Katara’s but instead of pain, they hold curiosity and… thrill, maybe? It doesn’t mean there isn’t any hurt in his eyes- in Aang’s either- but in Katara’s, it’s kind of hard to navigate around her hurt… yeah. Believe it or not, but Sokka’s hair is kinda long… I guess he used to shave the sides or something, but now it’s all grown out and stuff so he just pulls it back. He has this smug attitude that’s kinda just… all over his face? He always looks like he’s ready to do something or maybe even that he’s hiding something… But there’s also seriousness that hides in his face, too. He wears the same kind of blues and whites like Katara does, again, standard for the Water Tribe… ”

He waited hesitantly for her reply. It was a lot harder than he thought to describe these people who he’d become so close with. He just hoped he hadn’t messed up any of her visions of them. He wasn’t sure what her plan was for all of these descriptions, or why she'd even asked him.

He knew the others could do it better- make it more poetic and imaginary. But he wasn’t that person. He was the Fire Lord- and even before he was the Fire Lord, he was a silenced Prince. Creativity didn’t flow through him like it did the others. He wished it did, sometimes. Maybe then he’d be able to give Toph illusive descriptions of the people that mattered most to her.

“I hope those were okay,” He said, and rubbed his eyes with the bottom of his palms and pressed in hard so he could see dots. He was getting tired, but he couldn’t sleep even if he was. He hadn’t been able to. He had gotten comfortable with tiredness. He knew it wouldn’t last forever, but adjusting to the new role was harder than he thought.

“They were,” Toph reassured him quietly. It was sincere- he had no doubt. Toph, who was usually loud and stubborn and a tough fighter, was more reserved at night than Zuko would have thought. Maybe it was because she was tired, or because she had seen her friends in full bloom for the first time. Whichever it was, he couldn’t tell.

They sat there in silence again, moments of tea being sipped were exchanged, but mostly just quiet. It was solemn, and peaceful. Nothing was in a rush to be said, no battles to fight or rebuild plans to do- it was nice.

“Zuko,” Toph sighed. “What do you look like?”

Zuko’s breath hitched in his throat as his heart rate sped up again. He didn’t know where to begin or what to say, and surely he was stupid for believing that she wasn’t going to just let him slide. He couldn't just ignore the brutality that slashed half his face. He couldn’t sit with the guilt that she didn’t know it was there because he didn’t tell her.

His eyes widened slowly as he came to a sudden realization of what Toph was doing. It was comical, truthfully. He almost laughed. This was her way of getting the story. He wasn’t sure how she knew that his banishment had something to do with his cosmetic looks, but he gave her props for it nonetheless.

He took a deep breath and locked his gaze on the wood table as an anchor.

“I’m tall. Tallest, actually. I have really pale skin, but that’s just a Fire Nation thing… I don’t consider myself to be… built? I’m not exactly like Sokka but I'm not crazy buff either if that helps. My eyes aren’t as big or… full of adventure as the others have. I don’t know what all you can see, but I know they don’t have that. They’re brown, but almost everyone in the Fire Nation has brown eyes. It’s nothing special. I have shaggy hair- well, it’s black, and I have to pull it back for Fire Lord stuff, so I guess shaggy is the best way to describe it. I like it, I guess. I don’t feel confined with it. I wear a lot of reds and golds and blacks, which are Fire Nation colors. Right now I’m just wearing a… red shirt and black pants? Black slippers? I don’t know if that part helps or not… I also always look dissatisfied. At least, that’s what Sokka tells me. I don’t really know what he means by that…”

Zuko paused for a minute. Toph was staring across to him now as if she could recognize where he was. Her eyebrows were stitched together as if attempting to put his puzzle pieces together.

“And then there’s my… my scar.”

Deep breath.

“It covers my entire left eye… It doesn’t even open fully anymore. It bleeds out around to my ear and stops just before my jawline. It doesn’t hurt anymore, in case you’re wondering. It’s healed. It’s been since I was banished, so… three years. But, it’s there.

There was more to that story, by the way. My banishment. I didn’t just say something and was kicked out. I didn’t back down from an Agni Kai to… well, to prove to m- … Ozai, that I was stronger than he thought I was. That I deserved to be in the meeting. I didn’t think it’d be my own father I’d fight. I pleaded for some kind of relief and reprieve. All I got was a burn so deep that my skin almost melted off…”

There was silence.

No tea sips, no shifting in chairs. There wasn’t even really the sound of breathing anymore. It was still air.

This story had the ability to do that.

“Can I feel it?”

Zuko didn’t question it, or back away. He nodded, even though he knew she couldn’t see it.

He pushed himself out of the chair and walked around the table. He slowly crouched down until he was level with Toph, his hand steadying himself on the corner of the table, his fingers circling the divots so smoothly carved once more.

He took Toph’s hand, almost twice the size more compact of his own, and gingerly placed it on his cheekbone. He swallowed and shut his eyes, allowing her small, calloused hand to run slowly over it.

Toph wasn’t a gentle person by nature. But the minute that her hand touched his scar she felt his pain a thousand times over- intense and deep and wretched. She moved her hand slowly across his face, the ridges telling each their own thread of agony and grievance. Her hand roamed, unsure of where or if it ever was going to stop. If the story of his pain was ever going to cease. She blinked back tears as she finally reached his jawline. Untouched and human. Boyish and youthful. Peace.

She took her hand off of his face and cleared her throat, unsure of what else to do. She had gotten herself to this point- to this level. Now what?

She felt his presence leave due to the shift in cold air that shuffled in and heard him sit back down across from her, respectively.

Again, there was silence.

Not the same kind of silence where it was stilted, or even tense. It was an understood silence. An ‘I know your pain’ silence. It was gentle and welcomed and fluid.

So, they sat there for a minute. Neither unsure of how else to go on or continue their conversation. They sipped their tea in offbeat patterns. Long, slow, drawls of tea.

As the sun began to rise, Zuko realized that his job was beginning. He wasn’t a banished prince anymore, or a kid with an uncontrollable rage and fear of his father. Although that kid still existed in him, it wasn’t center stage. Fire Lord Zuko was. And as the dawn rose, so did he.

He gathered the two pieces of china from the table, both now completely empty of their tea. He put them on the counter for a maid to clean later.

Zuko glanced back at Toph- still sitting at the table, only this time, she was looking at the sunrise from the fully-bloomed windows in front of her. He knew she wasn’t looking at the sunrise, but he hoped that maybe she was picturing her friends in the same ways he had said- hopefully, even better. There was a small smile on her face, too. One of understanding.

He knew then that although she wanted to know his past, there was a part of her that wanted to be able to see her friends, too. He’d never know why she had asked him rather than asking a more creative mind, or even a closer friend, but he knew he would always be appreciative of being the one who did it for her.

Zuko’s lips upturned slightly and he turned to leave, carefully in an attempt to not disturb Toph’s somewhat mediation.

“Hey, Zuko?” He looked back over his shoulder to the girl, her face and gaze unmoving from the now more evident daybreak.

“Thank you.”

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amarettoandhotchicken · 5 years ago

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Guess I’ll Die Here

2.5.20

Jesus Christ, you guys. What a bunch of sad ass posts back there. Thank god I am past all of that and I am finally back to deliver some quality content that will inspire and uplift all my readers.

Ha, sike, I have no readers. Also not inspiring.

Since I’m still depressed (maybe more so now since I’m on new medication. Or maybe not because I’m on new medication?), still have anxiety, still haven’t progressed in my dating life, and basically have no friends, things are going well. I also can’t afford a therapist and I’ve watched way too many episodes of Ridiculousness, so I thought, I should spend my time at home doing something productive. Like getting on the computer after spending nearly 10 hours on the computer at work everyday.

For a while there I started learning some new stuff on my ukulele. I felt good about it. One of my motivations though was a guy I met back in October. He dabbles in guitar and music (very unique) and since I have had the uke for a while I wanted to see what I could come up with. I chose Le Vie en Rose, the version from How I Met Your Mother. When I first watched that episode and Tracy sang her rendition, I cried. I thought it was so beautiful and lovely. In my mind, I thought I could learn this song and then when Dude comes back to my city, I can show him what I learned. And it’ll be this beautiful cute moment and he’ll be like “wow this girl is amazing I’ve never met another girl in my life” and that would be the end of it. Done. Captured.

But he never came back. So we still Snap each other. But I don’t play ukulele.

Then I decided I would focus on projects. My house, though somewhat updated, seems to have never-ending amounts of projects. All projects cost money though, and I’m not entirely sure what triggers my anxiety more - not having my house the ideal beautiful oasis I want it to be or watching my bank account dip into digits I don’t like. A little over a week ago I went to the grocery and bought real dinner food for the first time since about late October. After I ran out of all those meal preps, I decided eating one meal a day was both economically and nutritionally best for me since I’m fat and poor (I am neither).

Speaking of being fat, not doing any house projects has freed up my evenings to try to get back into Pilates. I’ve tried super hard since my Dumping in 2017 to get back into long-term practice of Pilates, but I fall off after about a week or two each time. I’m three days in right now, and I’m proud of that. It’s not much, but I really want to try to stick with it.

I do my workouts right when I get home and then follow up with some sort of dinner. This week has been terrible-for-me foods left over from a Super Bowl party, so my workouts are essentially as effective as the 49ers 4th quarter defense. The plan is to do that each day that I can, maybe squeeze in a few episodes of the garbage TV I watch (5 hours of The Bachelor this week?? How did we get so lucky?!) and then do some writing. This is purely for me. I have never shared this blog with anyone I know personally and I don’t know if I ever will. It’s all stupid and unstructured anyway.

An astute observer might have noticed that I’m a bit cynical or angry or sarcastic or bitchy...whatever you want to call it. But this is what is always in my head. In an effort to quell that, I wanted to find journal prompts, something to focus my thoughts and maybe put me on track toward something I can speak positively about.

I love my house. I love being home, I love my own space, I love having complete control over everything under my roof. I find comfort in being in a nest, a safe haven of sorts where I can walk around with no pants on, eat pepperonis out of a bag, and burp without judgment from my peers. I am proud that I have been able to situate myself well enough financially to be able to buy my first home. It’s been a blessing and a headache, but it makes me feel good. It makes me feel like a big dumb kid who somehow has a house. But it’s not my favorite place.

In 2007, my parents and I traveled to Asheville, NC to see the Biltmore Estate. We spent two full days there. I think we might have thought about doing something else the second day, but we just loved the Biltmore so much everything else was forgotten. For me, there was a weird sort of peace I felt while being there. Not sure if it was the grounds, the greenhouse, the big room with the organ, or just the beauty of it all, but I absolutely loved it. It’s still not my favorite place.

During my senior year in college, I did a two week study abroad in London. Looking back I don’t think I appreciated London as much as I should have, but I’ve grown up a LOT since then. London fulfilled all my teenage anglophile dreams and set off that early 20s wanderlust that most of us have except for those impossible people on Instagram who seem to do nothing but travel and have no cares in the world. London was lovely but it wasn’t any sort of utopia. It had the essence of history and beauty, modernity and poise, but “life” in London seemed normal. It’s the only place I’ve traveled outside of the U.S. if you don’t count Central America...but it isn’t my favorite place.

When my baby girl was 3 years old, we went to Charleston, SC. I’m not sure how I got focused on Charleston, but I was certain I wanted to move there. The history and the beautiful buildings, beaches, food, romance...what’s not to love? I planned every single day my parents and I were there (terrible, will never do that again), and we saw and experienced a lot. My lil peanut got to see the ocean for the first time, do a hucklebutt in the sand, and visit some historical sites. I loved watching her chase the seafoam. I loved seeing her paws leave prints in the sand. Yeah, I’m talking about a dog. This was a city of love - love for my dog, where Noah and Allie laid in the middle of King Street, and it was the place where I watched Game of Thrones season 3, episode 9, The Rains of Castamere. Aren’t all weddings romantic? Still, it wasn’t my favorite place.

The owners of our beach house left a note stating that pets were not allowed on the furniture. Quinn is above the law because - well, she’s Quinn. She can do whatever she wants. The living room was also my bedroom though as we opted for a smaller beach house to get a better location. Quinn stayed on the couch with me every night as I binged Game of Thrones. She stayed with me as we slept through the night and didn’t leave me until she heard one of her grandparents open the bedroom door. It’s been almost 5 years since then, and she still lays with me. I think she is less clingy at home, but when she does lay by my side I don’t move. I can’t bear the thought of disturbing her comfort or shaking her from a dream. I love her snores, even though she’s usually never even asleep. I love the weight of her and the way she nestles into me. I love how it feels like we are a unit, that she loves me and out of everyone in the whole entire world, I am her person. Not that she’s had much of a choice.

They say home is where the heart is. Even though I am proud of my house, have found peace and love in other cities, and contemplated making new destinations my home, my heart lies with her. My favorite place is wherever she lies with me.

#ugh stop being so obsessed with your dog #weirdo #dailyjournal

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rexcaliburechoes · 5 years ago

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I think, looking back on my archives, I know why I was so into Hetalia. Sorta. Buckle up kids, this is gonna be a long post of I guess why I am like this today? I’m sure there’s more to it than this (including unprocessed trauma [I guess????] from my mom/moving but I don’t care to unpack too much of that now) but I’m just focusing on my refusal to leave fandom I guess. Certain fandoms, in particular.

The way the Axis was portrayed in the anime, like close friends (sans ships), made me feel like I was a part of their friendship. The end of 7th grade was a tough time for me. I was moving out of state into another new district just as I was getting settled. I had some tentative friends that I shared emails with (woah, e-mails. What a wild concept), and my best friend (who’s still my best friend now, it’s just we never can visit because growing up is a pain in the ass, but that’s besides the point) just about an hour’s drive away and I could visit basically whenever I could.

But when I moved, I had literally, no one as a friend. I’d moved so much, I never could keep in contact with old friends. Sure, in Daisy Scouts (jesus. How old am I??) there as this song that went: “A circle is round,/it has no end./That's how long,/I will be your friend” but that really isn’t true, is it? Inevitably, you’re going to outgrow your friends. Especially if you move every year like I did. You never keep permanent friends.

So, my only real comfort were fantasy books, and stuffed animals. I’m never giving those up because they literally got me through the hardest times in my life. And when my mom forced me to give one away, I’m still heartbroken about it (I’m mostly okay now, but it was a threat that she would dump all of my stuff in the trash, and whaddya know, she did it and probably hurt me more than I care to process because I got really possessive and defensive about her going in my room at that time. But that’s another story for another time).

I did make friends, of course. When I moved away, yet again, for my freshman/sophomore year, I barely kept in contact with all but one of them (I had his e-mail, and a few others’, but they rarely replied. I only found out about them through him and got Discords and stuff when I moved back) since. And, what do you know, I moved on into the Creepypasta fandom.

And that fandom, with how they were written by fandom (CP Mansion, a weird family bond, etc) with reader-inserts into that family, it made me feel like I had friends. Permanent ones that would stay with me even through my 8937938475923749 moves.

And I guess, if you look through my phone, you’ll see these threads of these two fandoms in particular (along with Fire Emblem, which also helped me in 8th grade, and a few of those Pinterest-’edgy’-”I’m [br]OK[en]” sorts of things. I internalised those and I’m working on that since I can’t delete those of my phone yet, either) since those fandoms accepted me and never judged me.

I think that, in those two fandoms (and, of course, others. Everyone has their own ‘comfort fandom’, as it were), there’s stories like mine. Perhaps not the same, but similar. And I’m glad for it. I’m glad that there are people out there who feel the same way as me who grow and are shaped (hopefully positively) by fandom.

And that’s what I love about fandom. And me, I guess.

#outside of queue #rex rambles #rex... reminisces?#rex's journals #tag for me #healing #self healing #long post #fandom #this is a lot to process aha #but i don't think i'm going to delete it #it feels nice to not shame my emotions into not existence #if this is even emotions speaking #idk what this is #it's just me talking #lol

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quinintheclouds · 7 years ago

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I found out im a ravenclaw! It doesn't feel like it fits me but hey, what are you gonna do about it. Can you tell me stuff about ravenclaws?

Yay, I’d love to! Quick aside though, what do you mean by “found out?” Your wording seems to indicate it was something shown/told to you rather than a conclusion on which you’d arrived yourself. If you took a quiz, those can be fun but aren’t reliable. I can take the pottermore test 3 times in a row answering with complete honesty and get sorted into 3 different Houses. The quizzes are all just someone else’s perceptions of what innocuous details might pertain to each House, and a few years ago I conducted an analysis of the different options/choices and the Houses to which they led, and… a lot of it’s kinda irrelevant and arbitrary.

If I’m misinterpreting and you DID come to this realization for yourself, I’m curious as to why you feel it doesn’t seem to fit you. but WELCOME to Ravenclaw! :D Keep in mind though that everyone has aspects of every House, and aspects of themselves that aren’t contained by Houses at all!

Okay, initial ramblings aside… sorry :P Ready to hear some bomb info about us Ravenclaws that often isn’t talked about? Let’s go! [Bear in mind that these aren’t exclusive to just Ravenclaws and also won’t apply to every Ravenclaw! Some of these are just my personal experience/thoughts]

So first, Ravenclaw’s canon defining characteristics: intelligence, creativity, wit, imagination, love of learning, uniqueness, originality, individuality, curiosity, open-mindedness, and acceptance.

We are largely a compassionate bunch that stands against ignorance of all kinds and will fight by informing others. Ravenclaws can often be found organizing protests and the like for important causes (akin to Hermione’s S.P.E.W.)

A lot of Ravenclaws have trouble settling on our House, because we can have the inclination to look at every angle of a scenario so that we can at least attempt to more objectively weigh the options. This is why I used to think I was a Gryffindor/Hufflepuff for long stretches of time.

Another reason some of us hesitate to sort ourselves as such is because of the misconception that Ravenclaws always make great grades or are dutiful with schoolwork. Not true. Intelligence comes in many forms!

On that note, neurodivergent Ravenclaws may struggle to feel we belong when we see so many our peers excel in school.

On the brighter side, Ravenclaws like these will somewhat unknowingly wind up banding together. We’re the ones who accidentally miss class because we’re so engrossed in researching some big new interest. The ones who annoy the others by testing out new spells/potions of our own creation and consequently making a mess and ruckus. We’re the ones who forgot to study because we got confused by one of the points in the book/lecture and wound up writing an essay trying to debunk the error instead of doing the actual assignment. Here’s to us lol

A bunch of us DEFINITELY waste time gathered outside the common room (or CAW-mmon room!) just solving the door’s riddles. (If you didn’t know, the door only opens after you answer a different riddle every time)

The vast majority of us LOVE puns. Ah, wordplay… the toy of language.

Starting a million projects and never finishing them whoops

Having a million journals you’ve written in so you have no clue which is which at this point

Buying way too many books but rarely finding time to actually read

OUR HOUSE COLORS ARE BLUE AND BRONZE, DAMMIT! THE MOVIES CHANGED THE BRONZE TO SILVER AND I’LL NEVER BE OVER IT (lol I’m totally chill about this, can you tell?)

We are HUGE daydreamers! We pride ourselves on imagination, and luckily for us, we’re in one of the tallest towers of Hogwarts (bc we represent the element of air) so we have beautiful windows out of which to gaze while letting our minds wander

Also the cawmmon room ceiling is magically designed to always look like the night sky, so we love to lie on the floor and watch the stars, moon, planets, etc.

WE FRICKIN’ LOVE SPACE, OKAY???

NEVER leave your stuff behind in the dorms! You’ll have to answer a riddle to get back in, and by that time you’ll be late to class (fellow ADHD Ravenclaws, we know this pain all too well)

We’re an adventurous bunch, contrary to some belief. But our adventures aren’t purely for external enjoyment — the excitement arises from the stimulation of our minds. Curiosity killed the cat, as it were, but feeds the eagle. We’ll sneak out of the dorms to go to the library or steal some ingredients from the Potions classroom for an experiment. The Restricted Section is our playground.

We’re artists, writers, poets, performers, musicians. People overlook this too often, but these are so important to so many of us. I create, therefore I am.

We’re pretty weird and eccentric a lot of the time, but embracing that helps us gain understanding about what makes us passionate, and we’ll work hard for things we care about.

Side Note: I’ll never not be bitter that Fred and George were in Gryffindor. They were such Ravenclaws. They were impish lil pranksters, and very clever about it, and only did so when there was something to be learned from it (i.e. testing their numerous inventions). I could even see Slytherin more than Gryffindor. *Sigh,* I digress… for now.

I’m one of the Ravenclaws who discusses philosophy and theoretics for hours on end, and the annoying one who asks random questions for the sake of asking questions, just as a game to test myself and see if I can come up with possible answers. (The embodiment of the “do you think pigeons have feelings?” meme).

We, uh. Have terrible sleeping habits. And eating. And showering. And we forget water exists sometimes. We kinda have problems remembering we have corporeal bodies with needs or whatever. Lame.

Some of the more rigid, stereotypical Ravenclaws can be defensively competitive for top of class, and that can turn a bit sour, but I like to avoid that drama altogether.

We notably broke into the Astronomy Tower to watch a meteor shower, and lost so many points we came dead last in the House Cup that year.

Many of us have ALSO snuck into the Forbidden Forest to study creatures and explore deeper.

Yeah we don’t win the Cup often.

Muggle-born Ravenclaws get together in secret to teach the others about math/science/literature/etc. because the purebloods BEGGED them to and they were happy to oblige.

Interviewing the paintings to learn magical history from a firsthand account bc Professor Binns is too detached and boring

According to the wiki, we’re the House most likely to dismiss social conventions and unspoken rules in the search for satiating our curiosity. We’re full of quirks and often won’t stand for playing by unnecessary or flawed rules of any nature.

As hyper and Extra™ as some of us can be, we also love to chill by the fire with a book, a blanket, some music, and maybe too much tea

In general, we’re “well-known for being welcoming and encouraging of creativity, eccentricity and individuality and being very accepting,” as stated by the wiki.

Okay, I am physically forcing myself to stop now. As you can see, we also tend to just dump information all over the place lmao XD Anyway this was fun to write and I might make a post about neurodivergent Ravenclaws in particular… Let me know if you have any updates on your House, and if you ARE a Ravenclaw, we’re happy to have you!!!

#sorry this is so long lol #Once I start writing it's hard to stop #ravenclaw #asks #my posts

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frazzybeararchive · 6 years ago

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Beach Buddies

Dianne’s POV - 1958

Glass Shard Beach, New Jersey. Could it be any hotter? Mom said she grew up in this particular area and we’d only be here for a few more weeks since grandma is passing, saying that I should explore as well as see if I can make new friends to forget about it. I really wanted to see grandma but mom said that she isn’t looking well and that I should really go.

“But mom! I really want to see her, at least let me say hi!” I try to pry my mother's arms away from holding me back, dad looked a bit worried as he went into the room with the doctor holding the clipboard. Immediately, mom placed her hands on my shoulders. I felt my eyes well up with tears along with a lump in my throat, my flailing fists trying to make my mom let go with a few whines.

“Look, sweetie. This is grown-up stuff that me and daddy have to take care of, I’m sure grandma would love to see you too. But things are hard right now - that’s why I want you to make sure to go out and see if you can make yourself new friends to forget this nonsense.” Her soothing voice as well as her gentle touch made me stop my tantrum. She took her hand off my shoulder and wiped away a free tear then kissed my nose which made me smile a bit.

“Now, go outside. Maybe you can make grandma a little gift,” she leaned forward a bit and whispers.”pink seashells are her favorite.” She stood up then headed to grandma’s room where dad was, leaving me to my own adventure.

I hurried out of the house and ran to the beachwalk, the bright afternoon sun already blinding me besides already exhausting me in the process.

Once I reached down to the shore, I looked down to see pretty seashells. For the next hour, I knew I wanted to make grandma a goodbye necklace. Mom always told me how she used to collect seashells when she was my age down here. I continued picking up seashells, some of them even with baby hermit crabs - which I put them down after finding out so I didn’t scare them.

“Kings of New Jersey! Kings of New Jersey! Kings of New Jersey!”

Kings of New Jersey? I looked behind me and saw two boys pushing a shipwrecked boat. Looking closer, they both seemed sunburnt, shirtless and...wait, did I really get blinded by the sun that bad? The two boys looked identical! Twins! I immediately put my attention on the twins, making sure I collect a seashell or two to make it look like I wasn’t paying attention.

Ford’s POV

Me and Stan both dipped our paint brushes into the bucket, writing out our made up name, “Stan O’ War”, on the side of the boat.

“I dub thee: the Stan O’ War!” Right after raising my brush with pride, a sudden hard pain hit me on the back of the head.

“Ow! What the heck?” Rubbing the back of the head, I turned around to see who it was.

Crampleter.

“Well, well, if it ain't the loser twins. Nice boat. Ya get it at the dump? Heheheheheheheh!” He high fives the two of his friends then went back to putting his arms on his hips.

“You would know, Crampleter! Get lost!” Stan declared while standing up and pointing away in defense.

“Listen, dorks, and listen good.” He pointed towards me. “You're a six-fingered freak,” Embarrassment hit me hard, I bashfully put my conditioned hands behind my back, then he pointed at Stan. “and you're just a... dumber, sweatier version o' him. And you're lucky you have each other because neither of you will ever make any friends! Ha, hahahaha! Dorks and losers…’” He left with his two friends at the end of his sentence, I pulled out my hands only to stare at them.

They’re right, I’m just a freak. No one likes freaks… I clenched my hand and looked down. I felt a slight lump in my throat, I felt like crying right there and now. Right after I thought that, Stan puts his hand on my shoulder.

“Hey. Don't let those idiots get to you.”

“But I am a freak. I just wonder if there's anywhere in the world where weirdos like me fit in.”

I doubt it.

Stan took his hand off my shoulder and moved onto putting his sweaty sunburnt arm around my shoulders.

“Hey, chin up, buddy. Look.” He proceeded to make me stand up, looking over at the ocean shore.

The sun was barely setting, a boat out on sail with the hot breeze of the summer with seagulls flying overhead. The sky was shades of pink and orange, the waves crashing together along with reflecting the bright sun.

“One of these days, you and me are gonna sail away from this dumb town. We'll hunt for treasure, get all the girls, and be an unstoppable team of adventurers.” He proudly stated with a boasting posture.

“You really mean it?”

“High six?” He putted his open-palmed hand up.

“High six.” We both high six and laugh afterwords.

“Now let’s continue making Stan O’ War! It ain’t gonna fix itself.” Stan smiles wide as he climbed up onto the boat.

“Be careful!” Who knows what could be in there? Worst case scenario, he could fall in there without any help! As he opened the small hatch into the boat, he jumped in.

“Cool! I found 2 dead rats!” He yelled out enthusiastically.

“Hehehe! Gross, Stan!” I was about to climb onto the boat before I heard footsteps behind us, I froze in place thinking it was Crampleter coming back to give us a good beating.

“Uh...hi?” That’s weird, a small feminine voice greeted me while I turned around.

Her long hair was a dark brown with a tiny bow, her skin slightly sunburned but not as bad as me and Stanley. Her dress was red with short poofy sleeves with a white pocket on the front of her dress. I never really seen her before, she must’ve moved in from out of town.

“Hi, I’m Stanford. But you can call me Ford for short.” I climbed back down and hid my hands quickly behind my back, afraid to greet her properly with my birth defect.

“Ford? Who are you talking to?” Stanley quickly got up back onto the deck then looked down. His face turning into curiosity yet still happy. Once he realized it was a girl, he straightened his posture.

“Oh hi! I’m Stanle- Woah!” he tried to place his hand onto the mast post but missed, resulting to caught off his introduction and falling onto the deck.

“That dork over there is my twin brother, Stanley. But we call him Stan for short.” I chuckled a bit while rubbing the back of my head. Stan sat back up and walked over to the side of the boat to sit down on the edge to listen to our conversation.

“What’s your name?” I looked back at her and she seemed slightly nervous.

“My name is Dianne, I just came to visit for a few weeks. I just wanted to make friends since I might come back here when I’m older. But um, I made you two these since I saw those boys make fun of ya two.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out two seashell bracelets, it looked rushly made but it was good.

“Wow thanks!” I grabbed both of the bracelets and handed one to Stan, he put it on and smiled.

“Aren’t ya gonna put it on?” She pointed at my hand.

Uh oh.

I winced and revealed my hand to put on the bracelet.

Hearing a slight gasp from her, I expected her to run away.

“That’s so cool! You have six fingers, that means a finger friendlier than normal!”

“Aren’t you gonna call me a freak? I-I thought-”

“Freak? Those people obviously don’t know what different is, they’re just scared of seeing something completely new and special.” Her words echoed in my head, I never heard that before. I looked up at her and softly smiled.

“Thanks, Dianne. That made me feel more better about my hands.” I giggled before being interrupted by Stanley.

“Hey! Do you want to help us clean up the inside of the boat? I found two dead rats!” He lended a hand towards her.

“Two dead rats? I’m in!” We all laughed out loud then went onto the boat.

I made a friend.

The scorching sun finally was put to rest, the once roasting gust transitioned to cool light winds. Blue and still some streaks of pink painted the sky.

“Hey, I’m back from the saltwater taffy store!” Stanley ran with a small plastic bag filled with the colorful taffy towards the two kids already jumping down from the boat.

“Yes! I call the blue ones!” Ford joked as he quickly ran over to Stanley, instantly putting his hand into the bag and pulling out a few pieces. Dianne rushed over and shoved her hand into the bag and grabbed a handful.

“After this I have to head back to my grandma’s place.” Her needy hands opened one of the taffy wrappers which she immediately popped in her mouth. The trio sat down on the sand and looked ahead over the horizon, busy chewing on the taffy while digging their feet into the cooler part of the sand. Stanley looked over at Dianne.

“How many weeks are you gonna stay here?” His mouth still filled with taffy which muffled a bit of his speech.

“Oh, mom said maybe one or two.” Her calm face slightly turned a bit upset. “Which really sucks, because you guys are really fun. I really had fun today, I hope we can at least enjoy our few weeks together over here or something.” She popped in another taffy in her mouth and smiled at the twins. Ford was finished with his taffies, using his finger to draw in the sand.

“Heh, yeah. This day got ten times better with the taffy, thanks Stan.”

“Dianne! Dianne?” An adult feminine voice called out from the boardwalk with a slight nervous appearance.

“Fiddlesticks, it’s my mom. I’ll be back whenever I can, you guys normally play here right?” Dianne asked while putting on her black shoes and standing up, wiping off the sand from her red dress.

“Yup!” Both of the twins gleefully shouted.

“Okay, coming mom!” Dianne quickly ran towards her direction. “Bye!” she shouted out in the distance.

The twins were left in a few seconds of silence before Stan looked at Ford with a cheeky grin. Ford looked over at Stan confused.

“What?”

“You totally like like her!”

“Ew, Stanley! I don’t even know her that much!” Ford playfully punches Stan’s arm, receiving one back but a little harder.

“Ow!” the sudden shout from Ford made the both of them silent, which slowly escalated to laughter in a matter of seconds. Both of the twins putted on their shoes and got up then headed towards home.

“I still think you like her-”

“Stan!”

#gravity falls oc #gravity falls #stanford pines #ford pines #stanley pines #stan pines #dianne bonnetant #my writing

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darnedchild · 7 years ago

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Question Thingy

I got tagged by @keeptheotherone ages ago and then got really distracted by real life being a giant pain in the tushy.

Rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you would like to know better

Nicknames: Darnedchild, DC, and Miah (which is not my name, but I’ve gone by it for so long that even my parents call me that now)

Gender: I’m a MF’n lady, with my very own crossbow and a pretty pretty princess tiara, and a lady-like craving for white-fudge covered Oreos (That are, apparently, only in stores for like six days, two hours, and thirty seconds at a random point in November because heaven forbid I only buy ten boxes on my first trip to the store because I think I’ll be able to pick up a few more to add to the hoard on the next shopping trip but noooooo. I want white-fudge covered Oreos now.).

Star sign: Libra

Height: 5’6″

Time: 2:09 pm

Birthday: October 5

Favourite bands: Texas, The Dan Band

Favourite solo artists: Adele, Weird Al, Annie Lennox

Song stuck in my head: Queen’s “We Will Rock You” because the Demon Spawn has been singing it over and over for three days.

Last movie I watched: Skyfall

When did I create my blog: June 28th, 2013

What do I post: Whatever catches my eye. Mostly Sherlock or Harry Potter stuff, fanfic or fandom stuff, arts and crafts stuff

Last thing I googled: local neighborhoods and elementary school rankings because we sign our new lease tomorrow and I need to get the Demon Spawn back into school

Do I have other blogs: On Tumblr? Yes, technically. I co-mod and maintain @holidaysat221b and there is also a Hermione Granger Tumblr I’ve been using as a research project/writing exercise (when I had free time, which I do not ever have anymore) that I’m not going to name.

Do I get asks: Once in awhile. My ask box is always open though.

Why did I choose my URL: Ok, so, in my defense I did not expect to still be writing fanfic at this point in my life. I picked Darnedchild many many years ago because I needed a penname for a Harry Potter RP I was joining (Because you didn’t give people your real name on the internets back then.) (I got the part of Moaning Myrtle if anyone cares, followed by Gilderoy Lockhart , I was super excited, it was fun.) and it was a warped reference to Children of the Damned (Children of the Darned? Darnedchild? It made sense at the time, trust me.)

Following blogs: 186

Followers: 503 (which means there is a 500 Followers Give-Away coming up once this move is settled)

Favourite colours: Green. Or purple. Or black. But mostly green.

Average hours of sleep: Not enough

Lucky numbers: 13 and also maybe six? Three? Cheese?

What am I wearing: PJs because I’m in a hotel room and no one sits around a hotel room dressed in real clothes.

How many blankets do I sleep with: I start out with a big ass comforter and sometimes a fuzzy blanket, and usually end up with everything but a sheet dumped on top of my husband on his side of the bed because I got warm at some point in the night.

Dream job: Writer and excessively rich do-gooder who enjoys paying off people’s medical bills and buying toys for small children from low income family units.

Dream trip: I want to take my Demon Spawn to Harry Potter World when he’s eleven!

Favourite food: White-Fudge Covered Oreos

Nationality: Born in the USA – Springsteen? Was that Springsteen? I feel as if that was Springsteen.

Favourite song right now: At the moment, the Demon Spawn really enjoys singing “I love rocky roll. Put another dime in the juice box, baby. Sing it!”. And I enjoy listening to him butcher the lyrics, so that’s probably my fave.

Tagging – just about everyone I know has been tagged already because 20 peeps a pop eats up my small circle of people I know on Tumblr pretty fast and I’m also several weeks behind on doing this thing. So if you want to do the thing, consider yourself tagged.

#meme #questions meme

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mcmansionhell · 8 years ago

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McMansion Hell Does Architectural Theory (Part 3): British Palladianism

Hello Friends! Today we’re going to talk about a rather short-lived movement in late 17th, early-18th century architecture: British Palladianism, which is v “Palladio is great and I, an aristocrat, will only pay you if you design in reference to his style.” Of course it goes deeper than that, so, let’s begin!

Background

In previous installations of this series, we’ve talked about the Italians and the French, but what the heck was happening in Britain all this time? Well, the answer is:

Seriously. The dang Brits were at war all the time - colonializing everything, sinking all of Spain’s ships, creating their own cool church bc their king wanted a son etc.

Because of all this dang war, architecture in Britain for a long time was a messy hodgepodge of stylistic elements. Examples range from Henry VIII’s Windsor Castle Gatehouse (OG Tudor, though ostensibly Gothic) to the more classically-oriented but still rather Gothic Old Somerset House (completed in 1552) (demolished). According to Mallgrave’s Architectural Theory (a great anthology), most of the classically inspired elements on pre-17th Century British buildings can be traced to Italian or French artisans. Oh well.

Early English Classicism (Late 17th Century)

It wasn’t until the 17th century (v late) that classicism became a big deal in England. The first real-deal English classicist was the badass-ly named Inigo Jones, who actually went to Italy for a year (1613-14) where he encountered the work of Palladio for the first time -- which, needless to say blew his damn mind. Jones became the first British architect to have designed buildings in accordance to Vitruvian teachings and classical proportions.

The Dude Jones got into architecture through a weird angle: he was first a prominent set and costume designer for several English theatres. His Italian journey proved fruitful for him career-wise - many of the higher-ups were impressed with Jones’ knowledge of Italian aesthetics, and he was shortly appointed as the Surveyor to the Prince of Wales, before hella upgrading to being Surveyor of the King’s Works in 1615.

Jones’ earliest known architectural work (appropriately called Queen’s House), built for James I’s wife, Anne (who died before it was finished), was the first ever classically styled building in England. I mean, it’s great - just look at it.

Photo by Bill Bertram (CC-BY-SA 2.5)

While Jones would go on to design a smattering of buildings, a great deal of his work was lost both in the English Civil War and in the 1666 Great Fire of London. Despite these minor setbacks, Jones’ is still considered to be among England’s greatest architects whose influence would span two centuries worth of British architectural technique.

Get it? It’s lit? Because half of his stuff got torched? I’m sorry.

As far as architectural theory goes during this era of budding classicism, the closest clue we have is the work of Henry Wotton, the British ambassador to Venice, who got so hellaciously sloshed on Italian architecture while he was there that he decided to write a book about it called The Elements of Architecture (1624), outlining his special interpretation of classical architecture.

Wotton’s book was mostly a translation of Vitruvius with a little bit of Renaissance thought (a la Alberti and Palladio) thrown in. The most well-known snippet is his translation of the Vitruvian triad as “firmness, commodity, and delight” - an architectural catchphrase that often finds its way into contemporary architectural histories, though more accurate translations have been proposed:

Change in this line of thought came with Jones’ later successor, Christopher Wren. Unlike Jones who was rather rigorous in his classicism, Wren was a bit more...capricious. In fact, he even built in the Gothic style at the end of his long career (the dude built 45 churches alone) - a move that would have likely put Perrault and Blondel both in an early grave.

Dude doesn’t even need the sunglasses, he’s throwing so much shade in this pic.

Wren’s ideas about architecture, encapsulated in his Tracts on Architecture (1670s) are varied. In Tract I, Wren opens up with the ballsy af statement: “Architecture has its political Use,” - that is, buildings form the national identity of a country and inspire patriotism amongst its citizens. This itself is a hot take, but it gets even hotter.

Like Perrault, Wren’s ideas about beauty are split into what he calls “natural” and “customary” beauty. Natural beauty consists of geometry, aka Proportions, following in the Platonic tradition® of an absolute beauty or harmony, inherently pleasing to all of us. Customary beauty, however, is more vague - Wren describes it as: “the use of our Senses to those Objects which are usually pleasing to us for other Causes, as Familiarity or particular Inclination breeds a Love to Things not in themselves lovely.”

Basically, we like certain things for some dumb reason like feelings and stuff.

In his second Tract, Wren gripes about architecture being “too strick and pedantick.” This makes sense, because Wren was really into blending a variety of interesting styles together, which was perhaps problematic to some.

Enter the Moralists

One person who was particularly sick of Wren’s sh*t was Anthony Ashley Cooper, Third Earl of Shaftesbury, who, in addition to being an Earl, was also a writer and philosopher. (He was notably taught at a young age by none other than John Locke, the guy you learned about in Civics class once.)

Shaftesbury hated (!!!) the Baroque stylings of Wren’s late work, as well as the next generation of architects including John Vanbrugh and Nicholas Hawksmoor, deeming the pair’s Baroque-leaning Blenheim Palace “a new palace spoilt.” In fact, he wrote a very amusingly scathing essay in 1712 basically saying that Britain was literally *THE BEST* at all of the other arts except for architecture, after which he proceeds to take a huge dump all over the architecture of the day.

Photo by Derova, (CC-BY-2.0)

Shaftesbury tried to sniff out a philosophical basis for Platonic thought regarding absolute beauty and harmonic proportions. What he came up with is essentially moralism, claiming that in order to be able to perceive the naturally good and beautiful ideas in art, one must themselves be naturally good and beautiful on the inside.™ Good taste comes from good inner resolve® to be true to what we know is true beauty and not be swayed by the evils of fashion™ blah blah blah.

The Height of British Palladianism

This line of thought continued within what was now deemed British Palladianism (a movement whose discourse consisted mostly of wealthy Earls tutting at each other). British Palladianism saw several architects (Colin Campbell, Nicholas Du Bois, and William Kent, specifically) launch their own careers by releasing translations or new editions of works by Vitruvius, Palladio, and Jones, respectively with some pithy bits in the introductions haranguing the “ridiculous mixture of Gothick and Roman” of the previous generation thrown in for good measure.

Like all movements, the Palladian movement had its own shadowy figurehead, who funded the work of several of the architects working in the 1720s - Richard Boyle, Third Earl of Burlington.

Burlington was extremely wealthy, and spent most of his time being a total dilettante architect, traveling to Italy to collect manuscripts of Palladio and the like. In fact, Burlington fired Colin Campbell (the English Vitruvius!!) from working on his Piccadilly Villa because apparently Campbell’s classicism was **just not pure enough** for the good Earl, who decided he should just build his damn villa himself.

Burlington’s ruthless aesthetic commitment had a huge impact on the contemporary architects of the day, most of whom he fired. Of the ones he did not fire (aka he did not hire them in the first place), Robert Morris, the most prolific writer of the Palladian movement, is perhaps the most significant. Morris’s work chronicles not only the dawn and spirit of the movement but also its decline.

Morris’s 1728 essay “An Essay in Defense of Ancient Architecture” is about exactly what you would expect:

(((Tutting intensifies)))

The essay of course devolves from tutting critique to legit 17th century fanfiction:

I-Inigo-sama!!! <3

The End of an Era, I Guess

Jokes aside (yours truly used to ship historical figures back in my 7th grade fanfiction days and is not proud), Morris would take a rather different tone in 1739, in an essay commonly cited as a hint to the movement’s end, “An Essay upon Harmony.”

This essay breaks away from the Platonic ideas of absolute beauty, and instead breaks beauty up into several different categories - a relativist aesthetics coming from a contemporary movement (mostly in landscape architecture) called the picturesque, or picturesque theory, which will be the subject of next week’s post.

“In Harmony,” writes Morris, “there are three general Divisions, which may be distinguish’d by the Terms, Ideal, Oral, and Ocular.”

The Ideal is of course numbers and, duh, proportions. Oral harmony is how things are related to each other, with a v Plato allusion to musical harmony. Old news, right?

But it’s Ocular harmony that offers a glimpse into what will ultimately be a much more powerful movement, spanning (serious, not dilettante) philosophy, art, and of course architecture: the picturesque and the sublime, supported by John Locke & Co.’s empiricism (but we’ll get to that).

Ocular harmony is the harmony of nature in its natural state - both “Animate” (animals, insects, also beauty and perfection, apparently) and “inanimate” (hills, woods, valleys, scenery - “noble, rural, and pleasing.”)

Morris’ ideas are ones of subjectivity, blind sensation to what is and is not lovely, rather than dictated ideas of aesthetic morality. He later goes on to say that in architecture, “The Proportion should be with respect to the Situation; the Dress, Decoration, and Materials should be adapted to the Propriety and Elegance of the Situation and Convenience…”

If that’s not the antithesis to Burlington’s objective classicist purity, I don’t know what is. And so, the bell finally tolls on British Palladianism.

Photo by Chris Nyborg, (CC-BY-SA 3.0)

I hope you enjoyed this bit of (admittedly long-overdue) tutting. Stay tuned for Wednesday’s Maine McMansion, and next Sunday’s installment where I trash talk a bunch of dudes who are way too into gardens.

If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store - 30% goes to charity.

Copyright Disclaimer: All photos without captioned credit are from the Public Domain. Manipulated photos are considered derivative work and are Copyright © 2017 McMansion Hell. Please email [email protected] before using these images on another site. (am v chill about this)

#architecture #history #architectural theory #palladio #philosophy #aesthetics #inigo jones #christopher wren #robert morris #england #british palladianism #classical architecture #classicism #traditional architecture #theory

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liannyeong · 8 years ago

Text

Patience is what I need (so please wait for me)

Summary: Where she needs time, and Jaebum has to wait.

Word count: 4087

Pairing: Jaebum X OC

Warning(s): slight angst, (troubled) marriage, unexplained past/trauma

A/N: the summary sucks i know, but when has my summary been good? oh and this fic’s format is rather weird? idk LOL but it does play a part overall? do i even make sense? nevermind. anyway, a month has passed since my last post... sorry about that. but it’s okay, i think i’ll be posting up new stuff as soon as i’m done with it :D please bear with me!

1 day.

"I won't hurt you," Jaebum says gently from the other end of the couch. He doesn't invade into her personal space. "I can promise you that." He stays where he is, feet planted onto the hardwood floor, body leaned forward with his elbows resting on his thighs. His hands are clasped together, and his thumbs play around with the skin that joins the thumb and the index finger. She keeps her body plastered at the other end of the couch, body curled up into a ball. Her body language screams defensive all over, and as much as she's afraid of the man she barely knew, she appreciates that he understands.

"Don't worry about anything, alright? You can sleep in that room. I will sleep in another," Jaebum says again. He glances over his shoulder to look at her, before saying, "I won't force you into anything." She meets his eyes and Jaebum flashes a small smile.

"Good night," he greets as he stands, heading over to the room at the opposite of the master bedroom.

She stays in the living room, in the quietness of the night, wondering how she got here. She unfolds herself and rests comfortably on the couch. Her eyes fall onto the band on her left ring finger. It's undeniably beautiful, she must admit, despite the simple design. There are twists throughout the surface of the silver ring, contained in the middle. She stares at the ring, her right hand subconsciously caressing it gently as if it is a memento instead. Then, she twists it a little, before pulling it off her finger entirely. The ring rests on her palm, and she clenches her hand into a fist. She heads to her own room, which was supposed to be their's, carefully placing the ring onto the bedside table. She lays on the far-too-huge bed, before falling deep into sleep with great effort.

3 weeks.

Jaebum withdraws himself entirely from her as time goes by. He starts coming home late and leaves the house much earlier, before she even opens her eyes. She doesn't see him at all unless it's the weekends. Even so, he stays in his room the whole day, only going to the washroom and the kitchen when he needs to. They don't speak, nor look at each other at all. As much as she appreciates Jaebum's distance, for the first time, she feels uncomfortable with it.

So she knocks on his room's door one weekend evening, just to invite him for dinner. "Jaebum?" she calls out as she knocks again. There is no answer, and she wonders if she should open the door. She stays in front of the door, hand still raised and the other wrapped around the door knob. She knocks once again, yet there is no answer. So she decides to turn the door knob slowly, and very slowly, she pushes the door open. It creaks a little as it swings open. Jaebum is on his bed, lying flat on his back, limbs splayed out. She tiptoes into the room, standing by his bed, looking down onto the male. He's donned in a plain black tee with a pair of gray sweatpants. She leans over and tugs on the blanket that was bunched up at one end of the bed. She pulls it over the body of the male, tucking him into bed. The close proximity with his face makes her heart thump hard. She knew Jaebum has been chased after by many girls for his looks, but she has never expected him to be this handsome. His skin is nearly flawless, his jawline is sharp and his whole body is masculine in shape. She wonders if she's worthy enough of such perfectly sculptured being. Or perhaps Jaebum's just cursed to get her as a wife - she, who is imperfect and just can't get over the past.

She adjusts the blanket once again, before exiting the room just as quietly as she entered, unaware of the pair of sleepy eyes fluttering open to see her leave.

It's a little after midnight when Jaebum wakes up, his hair a mess as he drags his feet to the kitchen, yawning loudly. He didn't say anything when he sees her at the dining table, eyes fixed on the computer screen. She looks up a second later, and their eyes meet. Jaebum gives a small smile, and she returns the same, though she believes it looks forced. Jaebum proceeds into the kitchen, grabbing a mug and pouring it with water.

"Do you want to eat?" she asks. "I cooked for us, but you were asleep and I didn't want to wake you up."

Jaebum gulps down the glass of water. He threads his messy hair back and nods.

"Okay." She gets to work immediately, heating up the dish she cooked earlier. Within minutes, the food is all ready.

"I'll eat in my room, thanks," Jaebum says as he reaches his hands out to take the plate from her hands.

"You can sit here though," she nods at the dining table. "I can clear my stuff."

"It's fine. I'd like to eat in my room." She doesn't say anything more and lets him have his way. She pulls a metal tray out from a cabinet and places the plate of food onto it. Jaebum murmurs another thanks and sets his mug on the tray, before picking it up and heading back to his room. She watches the back of the male until he disappears into his room. His door clicks shut and there's silence again. She slumps back into her seat, staring blankly at the computer screen. She sighs. She's trying her best to be his wife, but why does it feel like he's shutting her out? Her past still haunts her. She's still afraid of being close to people. She's afraid of being betrayed once again. She fears being left all alone again. Nevertheless, she feels the need to open up to Jaebum, and she has no idea why. She vowed not to open up to anyone after what happened, but Jaebum made her change her mind. Jaebum made her forget the vow she carved so deeply into her heart. But why is Jaebum coldly treating her? She sighs again.

Is she making the same mistake?

4 months.

She still tries to have dinner with Jaebum over the months. At least, Jaebum has been eating the food that she has cooked. That's a start. Jaebum still refuses to stay in the same room as her, but she's pleased that they are progressing somewhere, though little. They talk more frequently now, despite asking the same questions all the time - have you eaten?, i'll be home late so don't keep any food for me, do you want anything? I'm going to the convenience store. They still don't see each other often, until it's after work hours. But that's a good progress. Jaebum hasn't been leaving the house way earlier as he used to, and he stopped coming home very late too.

Jaebum's at the living room when she reached home, surprised at the figure of the male at such an hour. Usually, she reaches the house first, for her workplace is just two train stops away. "You're home early," she says.

"I had half the day off," is the reply. Jaebum doesn't look at her as he answers, his eyes remain fixed on the television screen that's playing an action movie that is of heavy computer graphics. She just nods despite knowing he won't see it. She pads over to the kitchen, checking for any ingredients that could be used for cooking. Her back is facing the male, who is glancing at her unnoticed. His eyes fall onto her left hand when she uses it to open a cabinet door above.

"You're not wearing your ring," Jaebum states as he stares at her left hand. She twirls around so fast, that she accidentally hits the opened door. Her left hand goes to where she was hit, but upon remembering Jaebum's statement, she retracts her hand. She watches the shift in Jaebum's gaze: from her left hand to her face. His eyes search for answers in her expression. She looks away out of guilt, biting her lower lip as she tries to think of an answer. She can feel the intensity of Jaebum's gaze. It's as if he's burning a hole onto her face. It feels like her skin is being lit up with a hot flame. It burns.

"Sorry. It's just that-" she starts.

"It's fine," Jaebum says, tone as cold as ice. "Perhaps it's better that we have no attachment to each other, right? It's better that a couple shouldn't let others know that they are taken." The television is turned off, the dramatic music of the movie cut off, and the silence fills the living room. Jaebum slams the remote control onto the glass table before him, standing up as he does. He walks off and heads to his own room. The sound of the door being slammed shut rings in the house, and echoes in her ears.

Later that night, she wakes to the sound of things being chucked around. She hears thuds in the other room, and she fears for the worst. She sits up almost immediately, eyes blown in fear. She gets out of her room and strides over to Jaebum's door. She presses her ear against the door and listens. The chucking sound doesn't stop and she swallows her spit. She knocks on the door, and it silences, and when nothing else happens, she turns the door knob. Jaebum's wardrobe doors are opened, and a luggage bag is lying flat on the floor. She stares at the luggage bag, horrified. Jaebum seems indifferent when he sees her standing at the door way, for he doesn't even bother explaining on his own initiative.

"Are you... l-leaving me?" her voice trembles as she asks. Is her past repeating itself?

Jaebum doesn't answer, his back turned on the female. He continues dumping his clothes into the luggage, grabbing more as he does so. His coldness makes her afraid. If he is leaving her forever... No. He can't. He shouldn't. She's trying her best. He can't leave her just like that. He won't hurt her. He promised!

Without a second thought, she strides over to where the male is and wraps her arms around his waist. Jaebum's arms stilled midair as he makes a grab for his clothes, and she feels his whole body stiffen. Nevertheless, she doesn't care. She can't let him go. Not yet. She's still trying her best to open herself up to him. He can't leave yet. Not now. And hopefully, not ever.

"I'm sorry! I know it's been a long time and I'm still-" she sobs into his shirt, her words muffled. "Please... Don't leave me... I know I'm taking a long time to open up... but... I'm trying..." her words become slurred as her sadness welds into her words.

"Let me go," Jaebum says, his voice gentle, but her mind starts wheeling into the negative meaning of his words instead. She shakes her head, clawing at the bottom of the back of his shirt, holding him tighter. Jaebum wraps his fingers around her upper arms, trying to push her away.

"I'm sorry for not wearing the ring! I just-"

"Let me go."

Her nails are slowly digging into his back. "I know you're mad because of that so please... I'm so sorry! Just... give me more time... please!" she pleads into his shirt.

With much effort, Jaebum finally breaks her grip. Feeling defeated, she drops her hands to her sides, head hung low, eyes spilling with tears. Jaebum's hands slide down to her forearms, his eyes can only look at the crown of the crying female. Jaebum pulls her chin up with his index finger and thumb, forcing her to look into his eyes.

"Hey, I'm not leaving you," Jaebum calmly says. His thumb caresses her chin softly, eyes gazing into hers lovingly. "But-" She takes a look at the luggage on the floor.

"I'm being outstationed at Jeju Island for a month," he answers her unspoken question. He gazes at her face, and it's the first time she's looking up at him upclose, and he's obviously looking back. The close proximity has her heart beat rapidly that she thinks it could just pop out of her heart and run a marathon on its own.

"So you're not leaving me?" she asks timidly, looking up at the male expectantly. Jaebum shakes his head with a small smile carved across his lips. "I'm really sorry for not wearing the ring," she starts again, her voice muffled into his shirt. "I just..."

"Hey, it's fine," Jaebum says calmly. "I'm sorry too. I was angry that you went out without your ring. And I was just afraid that you're trying to meet someone else instead and-" Jaebum stops himself with a sigh. "But I know it's been hard for you. Yes, I am tired of waiting. But I can't force you into anything before you're ready. I can only wait. That's the only thing I can do. It is frustrating to wait for so long, but... that's the only thing I can do."

She looks up, her chin resting against his chest. Her eyes blink at him, "Please wait for me, Jaebum. I know it's going to be hard on both of us but... please wait for me. Please don't leave me." Her eyes are teary once again.

"I'm not going anywhere. Even if I do, I'll come back home," Jaebum says as he wipes the tears in her eyes. He brushes away stray hair on her face, then proceeding to card her hair back, smiling warmly afterwards. She just gazes up at him as if in awe of his existence. She doesn't say anything but just buries her face into the soft cotton material of his shirt. Jaebum wraps his arms around her, cheek pressed against her crown, his hand lightly tapping her back.

She did not see him off for his flight, for the airport was too far from her workplace. She had offered to send him off and also fetch him when he returns, but Jaebum shook his head at the suggestion. Neither was she to fetch him from the airport when he landed back in Seoul. "It's fine, the company allocated a driver for me back and forth anyway," he said as he dragged his luggage bag to the door of their apartment. He bid goodbye and she watched him until he got into the elevator, disappearing from her sight. She sighed. She thought they were fine ever since that night, but perhaps it was a spur of the moment. Perhaps what Jaebum said isn't even true. If truly he isn't coming back, then... what will she do?

She comes back home to a familiar pair of shoes being dumped at the door step. She pads over to the living room, but Jaebum isn't there. She cranes her neck at the corridor of the apartment, trying to take a peek if Jaebum is in his room. She's proven to be wrong, for the bathroom door was pulled open and Jaebum steps out, wearing a tank top that seems to stick to his body like glue. His sweatpants hung nicely on his hips, and a towel draped over his neck. He uses one end to dry his hair, his head tilted to the side a little. As if time slowed down, she manage to capture all that happens subsequently. The way his eyes slowly flick from the floor, up to her face, and the way his hands froze and his eyes dilate at the sight of her.

It's as if time has stopped, and the air has turned heavy. She stood rooted to the floor, motionless, just staring back at the man. Jaebum's the same: he stares at her as if in awe. They stay like that for what seemed like eternity. She has the urge to run up to him and hug him tight, for she has missed him so dearly even though they barely spoke to each other. She misses how she could hear him sing from the other room, with the thin walls separating them. She misses his soothing voice as he sings R&B songs she's never heard on radio before. She misses the sound of his clicking keyboard as he works late into the night. She misses sleeping to such sounds, the ones that make her feel less lonely in the house.

"You're back," she says, breaking the silence. Just like that, the time unfroze itself and begins ticking again.

Jaebum's hands rest at his chest, both tugging at the towel around his neck. He smiles softly. "Yeah."

"You're back," she repeats, as if in disbelief that the male is right in front of her.

"Yeah," Jaebum says again. "I'm back home." He smiles again, crescents forming at his eyes, white teeth exposed. Just like that, she drops all of her belongings in the middle of the living room as she dashes towards him, crushing him into a hug. Instinctively, he raises her above the ground, his body bent backwards a little. She nuzzles her nose into the crook of his neck, inhaling the aloe vera body wash that he uses.

Jaebum puts her back on the ground, his towel dropping in the midst of it, which none of them cares at the moment. They gaze at each other for awhile, a little awkward, for they don't have any words to say. She breaks the eye contact first, her cheeks heating up over the intimacy they just shared. Her eyes goes to their feet, and finally notices the towel on the floor. She picks it up, spreads it and drapes it over his head. She doesn't pull her hands away, instead, she helps to dry Jaebum's slight damp hair. Jaebum stays still, letting the female do as she pleases.

In a swoop, Jaebum leans forward, and all she remembers is a soft press on her skin.

5 years.

She knocks on the door. But there was no answer. She calls out his name as she pushes the door open but there was no reply either. When the door is fully opened, she sees Jaebum at his desk, back turned on her. He has his headset on, and the clicking sound of the keyboard fills the whole room. She sighs as she heads over to the engrossed male. She gently places her hand onto his shoulder, but he jumped up in surprise. His headset slips off and crashes to the floor, and his eyes dilate so wide. She freezes at her spot, blinking up at the surprised male. His hand was over his chest. Upon digesting the whole situation, he lets out a sigh of relief.

"You shocked me," Jaebum says as he heaves out a deep breath.

"I called you many times, and knocked on your door, but you didn't answer."

"Sorry, I guess the music was turned on loud," Jaebum says as he picks up his headset.

"Shall we have dinner? I've cooked your favorite," she offers. Jaebum nods and she proceeds to leave, but Jaebum pulls her back.

"W-what?" she blurts, flustered.

"Please wait for me," he pouts.

In a flash, the memories of the past floods into her mind. Times have changed, and change has happened: Jaebum. Jaebum, who has waited for her for so long. Jaebum, who stood by her while waiting for her to recover from her past. Jaebum, the one she relied on the most. Jaebum, the one she fell for. Jaebum, who stayed.

"Hey, why are you tearing up?" Jaebum's voice breaks her from her reverie. His face is now colored with worry, his eyes flicking around her face for answers. She breaks into a smile and pinches his cheek, "Faster, will you? I'm hungry!" She giggles when Jaebum lets out a groan of pain, his hand resting at the pinched area. She sticks her tongue out, and it instantly turns into a cat-and-dog chase around the house.

2 people.

They're cuddled up on the picnic mat, limbs tangled with one another, staring up at the starry sky. She holds out her left hand to the sky, her palm faced towards the sky. Her silver ring gives off a little gleam, as if it belongs with the stars above. Another larger hand superimpose hers, their fingers interlocking, the pair of rings clinking a little. She shifts herself closer to the male, such that a part of her back is resting on his chest. Jaebum has his right arm out for her head to use as a pillow.

"Do you know why I chose this ring?" Jaebum breaks the silence, his voice soft and gentle, yet it brings a shiver down her spine due to the closeness of his lips to her ear. Her eyes flick at their rings that bear a pattern of twists. She shakes her head.

"It's because I want our love to be meaningful. Only the two of us, just as how these twists are made of two. Everlasting, just as how these twists are woven endlessly."

She has no words to say. She stares at their rings. Despite its simplicity, there's a deep meaning behind it. It never crossed her mind that Jaebum would carefully pick out their rings, considering how the situation was back then. She was distant and didn't want to do anything with him, but he had given a deep thought for their wedding bands.

"You have always been the one that struck out the most to me, I don't even know why," Jaebum adds. She can feel vibrations on her back as he speaks, and it brings a comforting feeling inside her chest. "It's like you're the moon and I'm the ocean. You pulled me in, without me knowing. You had some effect on me, and I just slowly, get drawn in."

"Then why did you refuse to do anything with me? Even eating dinner?"

"I distanced myself from you because I was afraid that I would cross the line. I was afraid I would make a mistake and you'd regret it all. I didn't want you to hate me," Jaebum answers truthfully. "I refused to be in the same room as you because I knew I would yearn for more afterwards. I didn't want you to send me off at the airport because I knew I wouldn't want to leave you. Seeing your face would make me want to stay. I'd drop everything and just run to you. It's childish, I know, but... even though I know my feelings well, I'm afraid of not being able to control it." Jaebum spills his heart out.

She turns her head over her shoulder to look at the male. Under the moonlight, his emotions are split open, raw and fresh for her to feel. He's looking at their intertwined fingers, his index finger and thumb fondling with her ring. He seems to be absorbed in his thoughts and emotions, for his eyebrows are furrowed together. Under the moonlight, Jaebum's shield is laid down and his entire soul is vulnerable to her.

She sits up, turning herself to face the male completely. Jaebum blinks up at her, clueless. She smiles as she caresses his cheek. "Thank you for being patient with me." Jaebum's hand goes to her wrist, his thumb rubbing circles on the skin. She leans down, their foreheads touching, nose colliding. "For waiting for me, for understanding me, for loving me all the while, thank you," she whispers. She pulls back a little, before pressing her lips to his forehead. When her lips part from his skin, Jaebum's eyes flutter open, and he's gazing at her with full of love. His eyes gleam a little with the moonlight and then he smiles in the most beautiful smile she ever saw. It's the same eye smile he always gives, but under the moonlight, it makes it dazzling. The stars in the night sky cannot even compare to how mesmerizing his smile is. She smiles back, and Jaebum pulls her back down, snuggling her tight.

And under the moonlight, she makes an unspoken promise.

Infinitum.

I love you to the moon and back, and every fiber of my body and till the end of time.

#p: jb/oc #im jaebum #im jaebum scenarios #jaebum #jaebum scenarios #got7 #got7 jaebum #got7 im jaebum #got7 jaebum scenarios #got7 im jaebum scenarios #got7 jb scenarios #got7 scenarios #c: 4k

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lycanrox · 8 years ago

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response to aidens post lol

Thanks for forcing me into a relationship and making me fall for you because of your temporary affection if-Tearing me apart internally when I KNEW I was not good enough, when I KNEW we were not going to last because you always had someone better. You gave me false hope and tore me up and used my body just for you to help you out. gonna copy nd paste then post my response ok cool

-Guilt trip and gaslight when you thought I was going to get with someone else, people making compliments towards me got you into a rage fit. You never apologized for always getting pissed when I never did shit and you take compliments all the time.

i never tried to guilt trip. i told you many times its ok to get with someone else. you literally dated someone else and i was ok with it. it wasnt compliments i was upset over, you literally had people saying they were in love with you. thats really weird to me. i was scared to be abandoned. people dont compliment me, all i have is my boyfriend and my qpp. maybe my close friends compliment me but its not a big deal. did i freak out over ur friends calling u daddy and shit? why should u get upset over people doing that to me?

-Manipulating everyone to know only your side, ignoring my sincere apologies, calling them bullshit, ignoring the fact that I never did those things again and told you to call me out. You barely did, but I did always stop when you told me to.

literally i already said. He sat there with me as youd text me and fight with me. you went to Her, my fp, to complain about me without telling her my side. everyone who ive talked to has seen all of it. i give people my phone and let them read everything since even before we broke up. im not scared to show my side.

-Controlling me, telling me to do everything and give you love all the time and you literally did that all the time. “I hate myself I want to die”, was that not manipulation, when I always try to comfort you? But, you pushed me away and said you never asked. I was extremely supportive in your times of misery and self harm, what have you ever done for me?

how did i control you? i didnt tell you to do shit. saying “love me” as a joke isnt controlling. i wanted attention, god forbid. you do the same to me. “i hate myself i want to die” is literally just me self loathing, how is that manipulation??? i was venting to you because i trust you. i appreciated the comfort but yes i never wanted help. help is not what i want, i dont want to be in the hospital, i dont want to be put on new meds, i dont want a support group i just want to feel less alone.

-Calling me abusive for literally nothing, for “months” I have apparently abused you when A) I never fucking harmed you, a gentle push I guess which I thoroughly apologized for, but nah it’s all bullshit according to you and B) You have done manipulative and abusive things to me like: Forcing me to do things with you, making me have to kiss you within the first 5 days because you were so sad, trying to talk sexually to me when I was not ready but I got into it because that is what YOU wanted, exhausting my limits to how much you wanted from me, expecting me to love on you and care for you when you are always talking about how many feelings you have for someone else, putting me into a poly relationship without my consent the second time, always having some shit to complain about because I cannot be perfect, pinning me against my friends, and the list goes on.

if like 10 different people are calling you abusive its probably true, dude. you did harm me. you ignored the fact i literally said you punched me. you never apologized for that. i was fucking upset over it and you just sat there and watchd me tear up and curl in a ball. you tried to fucking excuse yourself for it. “I deal with things irrationally, I live in a family that physically hits each other, and it was a blur I cannot just stop and think. I did not blame him for being scared? I said it isn’t my fault and it doesn’t mean I havent gone through things either.” literal quote from you. “...it was aggressive but gentle...” another literal quote.

i never forced you to. in fact it was always you texting me about how horny you are, you made an nsfw blog so i could see the shit you put on there, you were the first person to make sexual advances. i told you i get sex repulsed sometimes and you apparently dont even remember that because at least 3 times a week you talked to me about being horny and what was i supposed to do? you would be at my house and tell me how much you wanted to fuck, you said literally “i cant wait for after-prom sex” and i didnt let you stay the night because of that. you were the one who always wanted sex. i never forced you to do anything, you were the one who touched me without consent. i didnt make you kiss me. before we were even dating you talked about kissing me all the time. you asked me to teach you how to kiss, so yeah like .. 5 days after we started dating you spent the night and we kissed like 3 times. it wasnt that big of a deal. you asked for it. the first time we sexually talked all i said was i wanted to give you hickeys and you asked to sext, so we did.

poly relationship w/o consent? when we first started dating i was already dating oliver. when we broke up, again, i was dating oliver so when you ASKED ME OUT again you knew i was still with them. no force. when did i ever pin you against your friends? the only person i ever said shit abt was p**** because he was getting too obsessive when you were uncomfy, and you encouraged me to do that.

-You made me believe that all I was ever doing was WRONG, and I have told you that five trillion times, and you never did anything to help that. I know I was not wrong for trying to be supportive even though I was triggered to death, but you made me feel like I was a fucking nuisance in your life.

how??? i did everything i could to tell you how great of a boyfriend you were. i told you every day how much i loved you. how perfect you were. i didnt do shit, you were the one who made me feel like shit every day because i wasnt physically or mentally able to suit your romantic needs.

-Blaming me for all your damn mistakes, I got defensive because it was never me, blaming me for being paranoid when you did things and hinted at things to provoke that, and your paranoia was never apologized for either. Even in the beginning, I apologized for being paranoid and it took a long ass time for that to come back because you are so unpredictable and you were never clear with any of the things you said.

yes i admit i have trouble owning up to my own mistakes. im sorry that i blamed you for things. you dont deserve that. im mature enough to own up and apologize for that. i dont know what i did to make you paranoid but im sorry that that happened. i am unpredictable. i know. yikes at me

-Vaguely saying you did some things wrong too but hiding behind your illnesses as well, not even asking me what you could have done better. You want the cold hard truth? You are getting it. Yes, I was supportive of what you had and I guess I am ableist for trying to help you to change. I WAS SO ABLEIST for wanting the absolute bare minimum. You already said we were just becoming friends at that stage, and the fact of the matter is, you hurt the shit out of me.

i try not to hide behind my illnesses but i really cant help some things because of my illnesses. i tried asking what i could do. i tried doing what you wanted. you are ableist tbqh because i told you i COULDNT DO THE THINGS YOU WANTED but you pushed me every day to fucking do it and when i broke down and apoligzed for not being able to do it you made me feel like ABSOLUTE SHIT!!! i was the worst bf ever bc i cant do some romantic things sometimes!!!!! yikes im so problematic for being disabled!!

-You become avoidant to self harm and don’t fucking apologize for pushing people away. You always told me you were here for me when I needed help but you never actually listened to me. I never jumped straight into things, sorry if you believe that. I always said I was feeling terrible and you decided to expand.

i dont have to apologize for pushing people away if its whats best for me mentally. i am 100% sure in that. i always ask whats wrong because i care about you but when i dont know what youre going to say its a 50/50 chance ill get triggered and if im triggered i cant really think properly!! i get flashbacks and anxiety attacks when i see even specfic words. ive told you before its not great to depend on me for that stuff. that im always here for you but im here to listen, not to help. i cant help myself, how can i help you?

-Saying you were fine all the time, lying to me when something was wrong, I always had to find out from someone else about what you have done.

wow yikes i didnt tell you when i felt shitty because i didnt want to trigger you. yikes because i dont want your help or advice sometimes. i want people to listen but you never JSUT listen you have some styff to say and while some ppl like that i dont!! i dont like being told how to think or feel or what to do

-Abusing your medications and getting high when I first broke up with you, saying you got dumped, implying you didn’t deserve it when you never deserved me. I spent over $200 dollars on your boyfriend’s medical bills, but I am careless and unkind I suppose.

i was already abusing my medications :-/ i never called you careless or unkind but ok

-Tearing me apart internally when I KNEW I was not good enough, when I KNEW we were not going to last because you always had someone better. You gave me false hope and tore me up and used my body just for you to help you out.

what did i ever do to make you feel not good enough lol. not do the things i said before i cant do? i didnt use your body, not once not ever. dont even start that shit. you know my history of rape and sexual abuse. what the actual fuck.

-Again, since you cannot get it through your selfish mind, you never owned up for ANYTHING you have done, and guess what? I only do what people do to me. So, you treating me bad, I tried to forgive you and become collected, but you pushed me to where I thought I was stuck in the relationship. Why? Because if I left, you would become suicidal, if you left, you would want to come back immediately.

i tried owning up to things and ive apologized for many things i shouldnt have had to. tbqh ive wanted to break up since like.. right after prom bc the way you were being so i wouldnt have been suicidal if you left. yeah i wouldve been upset if i left because its hard for me to detach myself from people

You have no idea what you did, you have no idea what you were doing.

lol u rite

People defending your disgusting actions are no better than you are, you only exclude what you have done to make yourself seem innocent.

people excusing you for hitting me and sexually abusing me and manipulating and gaslighting me are worse than people supporting me. i was maybe bad to you to combat myself from you hurting me!! i dont want to fucking get hurt again so when you do something shitty i have to do something shitty in return!

Thanks for forcing me into a relationship and making me fall for you because of your temporary affection

you asked me out both times.

I asked you all the damn time if you wanted space, but you said “No, it’s fine,” when you damn well knew it wasn’t. Why are you such a blatant liar?

i didnt want to hurt you by leaving you alone.

Oh and also, when you “broke up” with your boyfriend of two years for me, but always texting endearing things to them when we were together, how cute of you to do that.

we did break up. yeah i fucking missed them though. its hard for me to detach. but i wasnt seeing them behind your back. you know very well it was sho who was dating oliver, not me. i text them endearing things because theyre my fp/dp and i love them.

anything abusive ive done i literally didnt mean to do. youre the one whos just now pushing all this shit on me. dont accuse me of being abusive when you didnt tell me when these things made you upset. i didnt fucking know. i cant read minds. i cant do any of that shit. i also dont have empathy and cant think of other peoples emotions so its hard for me to think about how/if my actions are affecting people, unless they fuckign tell me. which you didnt. instead, you just told me how fucking shitty i was. i was an awful boyfriend, im using you, im cheating, im not good enough, i cant satisfy you. i guess i was so bad you just had to start dating that other guy, and as you said, because “he can give you things i cannot give”. jeez im so FUCKING sorry.

#self harm 0542 #abuse 35959 #rape 43592 #ask to tag

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dustbunny105 · 8 years ago

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Gonna do my live reactions to MtMtE Revolution and LL #1 in a couple posts so I’m not flooding the tags with old stuff, I’m sure everyone’s devastated, yadda yadda, HERE WE GO, GIMME THE CRANKDATE.

I’m not even gonna lie, this cracked me up. I’m still laughing. I love this brand of irreverence, Idk.

Aaand turns out that’s the back cover. How tf did I end up there?? Well, whatever, still laughing and now at the beginning of the book.

Okay, first and foremost, I need a series about The Big Conversation, I’m not even kidding. I already wanted more of it, now I want all of it. I especially want o see the losers behind these screen names. Assuming that “Cons4Eva” and “TILL ALL ARE CON” aren’t real names, because I would not put it past the Decepti “let’s use our sigil for freaking everything regardless of whether it’s appropriate or in good taste” cons.

The progression of Crankcase’s interactions with his chat buddy is freaking adorable, don’t touch me.

Also, I spent most of it wondering why Con4Eva’s icon was wearing a domino opera mask before realizing it was an infinity sign. Cute.

Grimlock is cuter than a giant robot dinosaur rampaging through a strange town (speaking of-- what?) has any right to be.

Idk if MP3 is an established Joe, as I’ve never been much into the Joes, and I also dk what I think of him. Like, he’s kinda cute, kinda too much?

Why did I laugh at this so hard.

Omg, is that who I think it is... WHAT ARE YOU FOOLS EVEN DOING?

Yep, that’s who I thought it was alright... I repeat my previous question.

I wonder if they named themselves or if the holoform program gave them those names. Because on the one hand, I wouldn’t have expected them to come up with passable names on their own, but on the other hand, those names are also better than I’d expect from the program.

n a similar note, re: Spinister being called Dennis-- is the program still “struggling with human gender” or is it just doing better at human gender than a lot of humans?

Honestly, I’m surprised to realize that that babbling bunch of speech bubbles there is Spinister’s, not Misfire’s.

Incidentally, where is the Crankdate? I feel cheated.

OMHG WHY THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS. WHY THE CUP HOLDERS. DID YOU SIT AND HASH THIS OUT OR???

No, seriously, they were so eager to show off the helmets. They were totally waiting for a cue. They totally put thought into those features.

Why does Misfire know the phrase raison d’etre. How much thought did he put into this operation. What is even going on.

Omg, are they presenting their alt mode bodies as their vehicles. Why does that tickle so much?

Crankdate preparations! Yes, very good, this is what I’m here fo-- IS HE WEARING A REPLICA MEGATRON HELMET, OMG, DO THEY MANUFACTURE THESE FOR SALE.

I’m honestly not sure if it’s better if these Megatron helmets are sold on the market or if Crankcase made this one/someone made it for him. I also am not sure what “better” means here.

Wait, this isn’t a Crankcase line? I’m legitimately shocked. Look, I even wrote out the entire word legitimately, that’s how legitimately shocked I am.

For real, though, what’s Krok’s problem? Fulcrum wasn’t even talking to him, he was answering Crankcase’s question and Crankcase’s personal appearance. Like, did Krok suggest the helmet, is that why he’s so defensive?

Also, “Says the Decepticon with a chin the size of Luna-2.” If they’re gonna keep going on about Fulcrum’s chin, I wish he’d be drawn with, y’know, a more distinct-looking chin. Get Derrick J Wyatt on him or something.

Does Fulcrum seem kinda skeptical/judgy about this online dating meet-up thing or is it just me?

... The Big Conversation. Ongoing series. Now.

Fff, this is really cute :,D

Okay, I straight-up cackled. I feel like a lot of the fandom forgets that Fulcrum is a xenophobe when it comes to organic races and so having it laid out like this pleases me muchly. Also, I mean. It’s awful but still. Humans are kinda gross and we’d probably be super-gross to robots, let’s be real.

FFF, THIS IS. REALLY CUTE.

Yeeeah, Fulcrum is totally skeptical/judgy about this online dating meet-up thing, energon goodies or no.

Also, come on. Are you seriously asking me to believe that Con4Eva is not a name that would be found somewhere in the annals of Decepticon history, come on. Granted, it is still pretty weird that Crankcase seems puzzled by the idea that Cons4Eva is not a real name when he himself uses a screen name.

Pause.

Soften his face? Soften-slash-hide his face? I THOUGHT THEY WERE TRYING TO COVER THE MASSIVE FREAKING HOLE IN HIS HEAD, BUT KROK IS JUST WORRIED ABOUT HIS SCOWL??

... A-are these stories taking place at the same time. Do they seriously not realize that the three most conspicuous members of their crew have run off? I realize this date is important but, YOU GUYS.

"Be who you are. Within reason, obviously.” That is so this title.

Aww, that’s cute in a misguided kind of wa--iiit a minute. Wha--

I. This. I don’t. It’s like. I know all of these words individually but here they are together and I just. Can’t. What.

Also of note is “tasteful kibble”. What exactly qualifies as tasteful kibble? I mean, is this in line with “minimal kibble”? Interesting, if so, that lack of kibble is apparently widely considered attractive as long as you’re not a monoformer.

IS THAT FREAKING THUNDERWING, WTF. CRANKCASE, WHAT.

Er. Come again...?

Yeeep, I’m cringing. On the bright side, I think I’m supposed to be.

I still don’t know what I think of MP3 but I’ve decided I feel bad for him. Having to follow those cool, sophisticated aircraft in a junky van. And not doing such a good job of it, apparently.

Plus, I mean, the van breaks down and he decides to sit out the whole mission? Like, he remembers he’s trying to find a giant robot dinosaur causing massive damage to people and property, yes? Though I guess there’s not really room to ride along with either of them, so... Idk, still weird.

THE HELMETS OFF. I’M SCREECHING. I’M SCREECHING MY LAST SCREECH, AFTER THIS SURELY FOLLOWS DEATH, I CAN’T. MISFIRE, FFS, YOU HAVE A HUMAN-LOOKING FACE ALREADY, WHY THIS.

Aww, look at poor Crankcase, though :(

*Neil deGrasse Tyson voice* Watch out, we got a bada--

Well then. I rescind my sarcasm. Those, uh. Those are some powerful nibbles.

Pft, I though Krok and Fulcrum were holding hands for a second there.

Seriously, though, they left Crankcase behind? For booting up cold, Krok, you were standing right next to him.

Ffs... And from the character wants to open a mental health clinic too :/

"Typical.” The way I’m imagining this whole bit being delivered is making me laugh but also I’m back to “poor Crankcase.” Dude just wanted a nice date with his chat beau ;;

I’m cackling. I approve this running gag.

What in the-- is that a Dire Wraith? Is that better or worse than Thunderwing?

... You didn’t. You guys, you didn't.

What am I saying, of course you did.

I know the Wraith is probably just calling him Grumpybox because they didn’t exchange names, but I want the Wraith to think that’s Crankcase’s name.

Is that a Russian thing?

And the context in which he talked about him didn’t tip you off...?

Everything about this is making me choke.

Still choking. Meta jokes get me every time, I swear.

Nnnnnd’awww, babyyyy ;~; Lookit that face, my heart. Even after this, he wants, uh... what’s-his-name to stay. Don’t go, Cons4Eva...

Listen, if you didn’t notice Grimlock literally breaking out through the hull of your ship...

Nnnooo, don’t do this D:

Aw, no, did Spinister and Misfire kill MP3?

Uh... huh. Listen, Misfire, Idk when exactly you tripped over a conscience that encompasses squishy people, but I still don’t think you’re really in any position to be throwing stones.

That feeling, though.

This face is killing me ;;

Aaand I’m cringing again. At least, again, I’m probably supposed to be.

This is really cute, but... why? Idk, I feel like we were cheaped on some relationship-establishing interactions here.

Aww, that was quite a feelings dump. I’ve decided I like MP3.

More meta jokes, yasss~

Extensional beat-boxing. And it’s working.

My heeeart. Cons4Eva, don’t gooo.

Wow, rude.

Couldn’t Cons4Eva just shift to get through there anyway? Not that I want him to, of course, but still.

Okay, you’re pushing it now... I say as I’m laughing anyway.

Cuuute <3

Nooo, stay with Crankcase >(

On the one hand, poor MP3. Getting left behind like that after being invited has to suck. On the other hand, he just dodged a bullet, let’s be real. They would’ve accidentally killed him within a week, tops. Or Spinister and Misfire would’ve used him to pull some prank on Fulcrum and Fulcrum would’ve very deliberately killed him.

Within a week. Tops.

Okay, so. Huh. I dunno. I felt a lot of things about individual things while I was reading, but looking back at the whole... I dunno. It was kinda cute, it was pretty fun, there were some gross parts. I sort of get the feeling that the bRos were more interested in having a good time together than anything else. Which is fine by me in theory, honestly, especially in a case like this, but that makes three MtMtE finales (well, “finales”) that were ultimately underwhelming.

#transformers #mtmte #revolution #mtmte revolution #krok #spinister #crankcase #misfire #fulcrum #grimlock #scavengers #ableism

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