#I feel so stupid.
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excuse me for a while guys. tonight I just now figured out that people ACTUALLY like me. Like for real.
#I feel so stupid.#and then I’m also so excited that I can feel stupid about it a little bit now#because that means I’m finnnnnnnnnally shifting perspectives on it#slowly#oh my god. some of you people LIKE ME. I am SOMETIMES LIKABLE. genuinely some people like me and don’t just obligation do it#what. what#what.#I daydreamed about having lots of friends. I daydreamed of getting to control my body and feel my feelings and move and be how I needed to#and I’m finding out now that people aren’t just pretending to like me????????????#INCREDIBLEEEEEEE#I’m so excited for this to be true#I can’t consistently feel like it is but it’s already way more than I felt a few hours ago so!!!!!#god. LOOK AT THE POSSIBILITIES#I AM ACTUALLY SEEN AS SOMEONE WORTH LIKING#this is like magic is starting to come back into the world. literally#personal#trauma evolution
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#vent post#suicide tw#my go to response to everything can not be “i want to die.” like great#its not like I actually want to or will follow through on it but fuck.#years worth of character growth and here I am back in fucking a middle school mindset.#like what even is the fucking point.#why am i trying to hard for people wuo do not care.#i feel so stupid.#and like I dont know what to do.#i tried to fix things and it just made them worse.#and i'm still in so much pain!!!!!!!!#just the funky little cherry on goddamned top.#its almost worse than highschool because at least then I didnt know what i was missing yet. and i didnt hurt all the time.#i could sleep for a day straight.#what is the point of getting up each day#being in more pain#and not able to find anything fun.#and being just a massive wet blanket to all my friends. for zero reason.#and then it just isolates me further.#and how stupid and petty and self fucking pitying it all is. like either get over it#have a massive spiral and get ACTUALLY in a dangerous situation#or just continue to sit and feel miserable for no reason and with no resolution.#like im not good at my job right now#im barely keeping my head above water.#like im so fucking done.#i dont know what to do or where to turn.#and im terrified that im going to fully dislocate my spine and be paralyzed.#it should not be floppy!!! it should not look like a patient with whiplash!#there is nothing to prevent it from moving out of place#so i just go about my life and hope that looking over my shoulder doesnt send me to the hospital.
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hitting my head against the wall repeatedly
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Today was the 2nd time in the last 7 months that I cried for a reason that wasn't war/politics related but for personal reasons.
And just like the previous time I cried for personal reasons, it was over work. Again.
#I feel so stupid.#my dad rightfully says that no work is worth crying over but god.#it's so weird crying for personal reasons. after i have cried oceans for war related reasons lol#personal
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(I hope I sent those ask game asks correctly... Maybe that wasn't the best game to reblog. I'll try to go find the ones that have the little emojis and stuff with specific questions, I can understand those better...)
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she's singing in another room and my dog is asleep at my feet. my grandma asked me why i haven't found a man yet and i laughed. oh, you know. i like my house clean.
my girlfriend is also my man is also "my partner" if i'm in a professional setting. yesterday we went to a ren faire and a man mimed at me - you're together? and at my delighted nod, his baffled, you're gay? made me laugh. a woman with rainbow hair said i love the two of you together. you're both so beautiful it's absurd.
my dad introduced my partner as my "..... friend. or whatever" the other day. he knows we're dating. in the same way, i was never able to get my sister's husband to stop saying that's gay like it's 2008. he still uses the word fa***t, and my sister's defense of him has always been well, he's just kidding.
my lover and i dance to old music in a tiny kitchen. we judge new music together and take food critique very seriously. we watch love is blind before we fall asleep and agree that if they had a queer season, it would be bloody but also make for excellent tv. of fucking course queer people would know someone for only 2 weeks and agree to get married. what are you saying.
at a bar with friends, a man puts his hand on my wrist. got a boyfriend? and yes, i do have a boyfriend, she's amazing. i am texting her while i wander around a gas station named after geese. i am visiting a swing state for a wedding. in the candy aisle i overhear: she's actually like a lesbian it's disgusting. two teenage girls with packaged sandwiches in their hands, giggling. no literally, like. i'm not, like. okay with her being there while we're all, like, naked and changing.
my girlfriend and i tailgate, drink gin and cider out of cups. from the frat group beside us, a man corrects himself with one of his friends: bro, i mean, nonbinary entity, and it makes everyone around him laugh, myself included. he razzes his friend the same way i would have killed for at 19 years old - like nothing happened, he continues: you apply sunscreen like an alien. he does a little sassy (and fairly accurate) dance interpretation of the motion. his friend is laughing so hard they're crying.
i am lucky, i live in a safe neighborhood in a safe state. my masc passenger princess comes up from DC. i drive her for an hour to where all the leaves are a violent arrangement of color. we walk along the trails, letting autumn into our blood. in this part of the state, there's a lot of pickup trucks and trump signs. when we chastely kiss before getting into the car, i accidentally make eye contact with a woman holding her child's wrist. she looks disgusted. she looks fucking pissed.
two hours later my girl and i are eating dinner on a patio, soaking in the last warmth of new england sun before the chill of winter sets in. we are giggling and trying to talk through plastic vampire teeth. at another table, i see a young woman sit up straighter. i watch her watch us. she blushes and takes her partner's hand from across the table. shy, like the taste of evening has just become something deeper.
it's worth it for this moment, i think. my lover is still humming the same song she's been singing for four days straight and i don't want to kill her for it. her guitar is beside my bed. her toothbrush is in my bathroom. in a few moments i will make us lunch. we are lucky enough to have found each other. it is lucky enough to be in love.
#writeblr#wlw#i often think about like.....#being happy in a gay relationship is sometimes so odd#bc u can forget how stupid ppl are.#bc ur so USED to being gay. and u forget other people GENUINELY ARE homophobic#so it's like. girl pardon?????#but also there are moments where it's like. ohhh the kids are alright#like watching someone razz someone else.... so fucking wholesome#“lemme get this bitche's pronouns before i make gentle fun of them” .... i would have KILLED for that.#THAT is how u know ur accepted#not just tolerated#..... when ppl are like. sure ur nonbinary congrats but WHAT is this fucking sunscreen application#ps idk if "razz'' is a real word but someone asked what it means -#i've always heard it as being a term for 'gentle & friendly teasing'' which like#i personally notice more from my guy friends but is like - when a person isn't#LIKE ACTUALLY teasing u (it's nothing personal/mean) they're just laughing w/you about something#my friends often put on a little voice and call me an anemic little bitch#like 'ooooo the anemic little bitch is cold??? does she need a mouse blanket#bc she's SOOOO SMALL AND ANEMIC???''#and it doesn't hurt my feelings (it makes me laugh very hard) bc 1. i actually called MYSELF that first#and 2. i'm not sensitive about it!!!#a proper razz is when you are ALSO in on the joke - i ALSO think it's funny#for some people i personally find that when they razz u it's when they love u -#they've noticed something genuine about u and love u enough that u know they're not being mean#this is cultural and personality based of course but i'm hispanic#if someone isn't making fun of me it means they hate me . obviously.
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every single time israel fires on people picking up food or humanitarian aid it truly cuts me to the core. obviously it's equally horrible to fire on civilians escaping the invasion or to bomb hospitals or refugee camps or people just living in their own homes. but there's something so brutal about hitting people right when they have gathered for life-saving aid. by firing on them there the IOF have set up an impossible dilemma where starving people have to choose between death by bullet or death by hunger. they have left no room for palestinians to choose life. i do not know how my government or any other government can just sit by and watch while innocent people continue to be gunned down for the crime of existing in israel's eyeline.
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I'm so done embarrassing myself...
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Listen, I love the "XL helps HC to see how beautiful he is" scenario as much as the next person... But I also see it like this.
#tgcf#tian guan ci fu#hualian#heaven official's blessing#hob#myart#hua cheng#xie lian#I have a friend who's so pretty and confident the pretty privilege automotically applies to her#I've seen people treat her differently RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME#sometimes I look at her and wonder if this how people feel when hc talks to xl#anyway I think that hc needs the bing-qiu method of “not as beautiful as you yes I love you the most” too#also this xie lian took me 3 seconds to draw but 5 mins to sketch it's an art to come up with such a stupid face you know that?#hc my pretty princess <3 I want him on his knees
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I don't know how strictly accurate this is, but one of the things I find shocking about watching historical dramas is how many people there are around all the time---according to Madame de... (1953) a well-off French household in the Belle Epoque maintains a workforce of at least 3, and the glittering opera has staff just to open doors. According to Shogun (2024) you can expect a deep bench just to mind your household, and again, people who exist to open doors.
Could people....not open doors in the past? Were doors tricky, before the standardization of hinges? Because otherwise, the wealthy used to pay a whole bunch of people to do it for them in multiple contexts, and I find myself baffled.
#I mean..........listen.#maybe people in the past had superfluous staff just to open doors. because of reasons.#fair enough! that made their lives easier. okay cool. making things easier is what money brings you. except....#there are many parts of my life that would be so much easier with support staff! dishes. vacuuming. grocery shopping.#doors though? opening and shutting doors???#can't say that's come up as a particular concern.#I feel aggressively stupid asking this question but also. why doors. someone dial up a 19th century fella and explain.
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important family group chat discussions
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#this is so dumb but i feel like the batkids would have really stupid discussions#jason: guys dw im not even that mean of a crime lord#tim with his decade worth of incriminating evidence plus the bloody dollar tree robin costume jason wore at titan tower: r u sure abt that#bruce the next day: WHY is there a paper headline about our family having mob ties with the red hood??#steph telling tim to tip off vicky vale as a joke because hey yk what would be SO funny guys?#dc comics#batfamily#batfam#batkids#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#stephanie brown#duke thomas#bruce wayne#batdad#incorrect quotes#texts#socmed au#social media au#crack#batman#fanatical posting
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momlita
#transformers one#transformers#elita one#jazz transformers#b 127#bumblebee#i seriously love elita so much#shes so mean and angry all the time and its so justified and shes so funny#i think bee and elita might be my faves atp...#im so obsessed with her shes so funny#her and her stupid freaking son that she hates UAAUGH#hes so annoying but he thinks shes so cool and looks up to her so much and shed be lying if she said it didnt make her feel good LOL
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Vent: TW: death
all this pain for why.
They are not even dead.
#cheeseburgerboy#im glad their still here. i would've liked to know. but its impossible now#i feel so stupid.#i feel like i am so stupid.#it was kind of impossible the whole time.
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cobs destroys mephone's objectsonas
#inanimate insanity#mephone ii#ii mephone#steve cobs#mephonex#not gonna tag anyone else#I haven't slept in 24 hours the episode sent me into a frenzy#still feel like I'm freaking out now but I'm too physically tired to keep losing it over the show lol#this stupid doodle thing took me six hours to draw I don't even know why. I draw so slow it's not even funny#ii spoilers#inanimate insanity spoilers#ii 16 spoilers#oh my gosh I just realized I forgot the spoiler tags I'm so sorry
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dr who is (apparently) redesigning this turtle from the classic series to be just a green human elf lady instead and twitter is eating it up because "no one would take the show seriously otherwise" and "the audience isn't able to empathize with something that doesn't look human". another fascinating data point in the psychology of doctor who fans.
#i know people will read this and think i'm saying the show should look stupid#i'm actually saying 'why are doctor who fans so rejecting of the idea that you can make an alien with a beak look good in a dramatic contex#and why do so many of them think the audience are incapable of feeling empathy towards a lizard#when the show so often asks you to read emotion into a puppet as simple and inhuman as a dalek#also a lot of people comparing making it human to shape of water#come on#he was not passing the harkness test and he still won the oscar
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a quick silly sketch based off my earlier post about the Cat King having a mistaken identity crisis when Edwin and Co. don't recognize him in his new cat form post-esther
#catwin#the cat king#edwin paine#edwin payne#dead boy detectives#dead boy detectives spoilers#my art#if you saw this post earlier no you didnt#stupid sketch just to get it out of my head lol#he's in trouble boys#I haven't decided how i want to draw Edwin yet bear with me#this is like the first time ive touched my tablet since i went numb so its a little shitty but#it feels nice to make even a little bit of art
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