#I feel like a divorceé now so

[adamarks]

Trying to parse how I feel about Slow Dance

[withahappyrefrain]

this one is so cute! 🍂🍁🍃

A stands in a queue when they notice a leaf stuck in the hair/on the clothes of the person in front of them. They offer to remove it for them.

for bob and maeve?

AHHHH so excited to start writing for these two! And of course I had to bring in Bradley and Birdie! ��️❤️ Enjoy!

Fall in San Diego was different. By the time October started rolling, the average temperature had cooled down to a ‘crisp’ seventy degrees. Chunky sweaters were traded in for light cardigans. Sure, you could wear a scarf, but not a functional one. Gone were the days of needing gloves.

It was a stark difference from the east coast.

Gone was the scenic view of mountains and orchards. In its place were micro-breweries and overpriced wineries. But also gone was a shitty ex husband. In its place, the unknown.

At least the farmer markets here still sold apple butter.

It was a consolidation prize for Maeve. She was forever grateful that Nora wanted to show her around, but that also meant third wheeling for Nora and her fiancé. Worse, they were sickeningly in love. She had never been so happy for her best friend, but also so fucking jealous at the same time.

So she would enjoy these last few moments, while Nora was trying to find her partner amidst the crowd. They tried to not make her feel bad, but being around them reminded Maeve how alone she had become.

Wait, did that guy have a leaf on his back?

Upon squinting her hazel eyes, she saw that man standing in front of her did in fact, have a leaf on the back of his plaid shirt.

Should she- oh thank God, he was reaching for it. Now Maeve wouldn't have to look at it while standing in line.

Nope. Despite his long arms, the leaf had wedged itself in a place where he couldn't reach. Oh God, was she going to have to watch him struggle the whole time?

Wanting to save her sanity outweighed her dislike of talking to strangers.

"I can get it for you, the leaf. If you want?"

He turned around to reveal a face that made her heart flutter. Bright blue eyes, bluer than the ocean. Tortoiseshell glasses that framed his face. Sunkissed hair, tousled in waves. A button nose that brought a sense of sweetness to him. A smattering of faded freckles, no doubt from hours upon hours of being out in the sun.

"Could you? That would be great, otherwise it's gonna bother me all day?" His voice was smooth as whiskey, a rural upbringing lacing his words.

But what was most astounding was his smile. The way his thin pink lips contorted to form a small, slightly crooked smile. The creases that formed around his oceanic eyes, showing years of smiles and laughter.

God, he just looked kind. The type that Maeve always wondered what it would be like to have. To see first thing in the morning and the last thing when she closed her eyes at night.

"M'am?" It didn't come across as condescending, it was actually charming. It was also said in such a deep vibrato that Maeve to snap out of whatever the fuck those last two minutes was.

It's been three months, for fuck sake's Maeve.

Why would he even be interested in you?

This is why you're a twenty-eight year old divorceé.

Maeve nodded as she mentally scolded herself, "Absolutely, not a problem."

Bob turned around, despite not wanting to. He would rather focus on the umber curls that framed her face. Or the way shades of hickory and green swirled together in her eyes. His favorite had to be how her eyes squinted when she smiled. His mother would call that as having 'smiley eyes' when he was a child.

Jesus Christ, we're really desperate now.

It wouldn't end well for you anyways. Never does.

That's why you're thirty-four and still single, Robert.

So in a way, he was grateful to turn around, as it was a chance to get himself together.

That lasted for maybe ten seconds. Bob couldn't tell if touch was incredibly gentle or if she wasn't touching him. So he turned his head, catching her reaching out.

The eye contact made Maeve freeze for a beat or two. Once Bob flashed her that sweet smile, she found the strength to continue, internally marveling at how soft his shirt felt.

He must use fabric softener. Maybe he attends this market regularly. Maybe-

It's been three months.

Yes, three months since the document was signed and it was made official legally. But the acceptance of a unsustainable marriage had occured a year ago.

She held up the leaf for effect, "You want to keep it as memorabilia?"

Bob chuckled, making Maeve feel warm all over, as if she had just drank mulled cider, "No, no, I think I'm good. But I'd love to buy that for you as a way to say thanks."

This time it was her turn to shake her head, "Oh, it was nothing! Just a leaf." Bob noticed that when she shook her head, the curls that had fallen over his forehead shook slightly.

God, she was adorable. Absolutely, completely endearing.

"Yeah, but that would have bothered me the whole time I was with my friends. I wouldn't have been able to focus on anything else," he grinned, "Plus you had no issue talking to a complete stranger. That's gotta be commended."

A laugh escapes from her rosey lips, "I usually hate talking to strangers." Fuck, why would you even say that?

If he found it odd, the handsome stranger didn't visibly or vocally show it, "Yeah, I'm not a huge fan of that either. Again, gotta be commended."

She looked down at the jar of apple butter, "It would be faster if you paid for mine. I'm meeting some friends too."

"Happy to serve," the unintentional pun about his career was lost on her. At least he could bring it up to Mickey, who would get a good laugh out of it. And his wife Cielo too. And then they would probably do something sweet, like kiss while holding hands, unintentionally reminding Bob how utterly alone it felt coming home from work every day.

Their hands brushed against one another when Maeve transferred the jar to Bob. He turned around, partly to see if he needed to step forward, partly to hide the smile on his face.

Had he turned around, he would have seen the same smile on her face. One that was full of excitement, felt for the first time in years. Just like him.

Eventually, he looked back, this time mainly to see if his friends were amidst the crowd of shoppers.

He felt the need to explain, out of fear of coming across as creepy, "My friend went looking for his fiancé. She's bringing her best friend."

What a coincidence, Nora's fiancé was bringing a friend too.

Yeah, to help you feel less shitty about always being their third wheel.

"Well does your friend have any idea where his fiancé could be?" Maeve asked as Bob paid for the two jars of apple butter.

"Oh yeah, Birdie's first stop is always the Takyaki stand," Bob paused, "Birdie isn't her real name, it's just-"

"Do you mean Nora?" Maeve's voice was now timid. Blood rushing through her veins, wondering if it was too good to be true.

Bob stopped in his tracks, brows knitting together, "How do you know her name?"

Before Maeve could explain, two new voices interrupted.

"Bob?" "Maeve?"

Turning around revealed Nora (who many referred to as 'Birdie'), who was holding the hand of her fiancé, Bradley (who at work was referred to as 'Rooster').

Bob and Maeve turned their attention back to one another, realization hitting like a brick wall.

He's the kindest guy I know. You'll love him.

She's honestly just the sweetest. It's a damn shame what happened.

They're like you. They've been through similar shit.

"You're Maeve?" He had a long finger pointed at her (God his hands were huge) but it wasn't accusing.

Maeve felt at ease, like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders as she nodded, her eyes creasing due to her smile.

There were those smiley eyes that made his knees weak.

"I am and you're Bob? Just Bob, right? No totally random, work nickname?" With anyone else, it would have been demeaning. A few years ago, Bob would have taken offense.

But his shoulders were feeling lighter these days thanks to the past actually staying in its namesake more often.

"Well, my full name is Robert. I have some family who call me Rob, some call me Robby but that's because I gave them explicit permission to do so, not everyone reaches that level. And then some of my friends call me Bobby. So in terms of work nickname, you're correct, it's not totally random." His eyes were so expressive, it was memorizing to watch.

Charming. He was actually charming.

"Well, I think having multiple nicknames that are based off of your actual name is better than having one and it's a children's game or bird," she turned her head to flash a smile, "No offense Bradley."

Bradley, who was used to her strong opinions on call signs and now only a foot away, simply rolled his eyes, "No offense taken Maeve. But we do call him Bagman, remember?"

A coy smile spread across her face, something Bob found so endearing.

"So you two....know each other?" Nora asked, raising an eyebrow. She swears she would have remembered her best friend meeting one of her fiancé's best work friends.

"We actually just met. Maeve saved me from an afternoon of trying to reach a spot on my back to get rid of a leaf," Bob explained, gently putting his hand on Maeve's shoulder. His touch was pleasant, considerate even.

"Bob got me some apple butter as a thank you," Maeve held up the jar while looking down, hoping no one would notice the rosy hue that was spreading across her face.

"Which, I assume is to make your famous cinnamon sugar apple butter pie?" Bob now turned to her, his eyes lit up with excitement.

Catching her confused expression, Bob jumped in, "When you left a pie after visiting Birdie, Bradley brought in leftovers. It was a huge hit, I still think about it."

Charlie always had an issue with whatever she cooked. Too salty. Not healthy babe. Why are you even making that?

But Charlie wasn't here. He was on the east coast, no doubt trying to find another gullible person to invest in one of his bullshit 'ideas'.

Instead there was Bob, who had a sparkle in his eyes. Who had not only heard about you, but remembered details too.

God, the bar was so fucking low.

Meanwhile, Bob hadn't thought about Cassie once since meeting the curly, raven haired woman with the most adorable smile he had ever seen.

"Well, given the lack of a paper bag in Nora's hand, I'd say it's time we head to the Hog Haven stand and get some breakfast sandwiches," Maeve suggested, hoping it would turn the attention away from her.

"Absolutely! I know Bob wanted to stop by the pickling stand for Sauerkraut and that's on the way!" Nora grabbed Bradley's hand, and walked forward, leaving Bob and Maeve to walk side by side.

Almost as if it was planned that way.

"What's the Sauerkraut for?" Maeve asked, secretly noticing how he slowed his stride to match hers.

"I'm making Bigos. It means 'Hunter Stew' in Polish. My mom made it for me and my siblings all the time growing up. She's back in Wisconsin, and since it's finally 'cooled down' here, figured it was a good time to make it."

Bob can't remember the last time he felt this talkative to someone new. Usually it takes hours, sometimes even multiple outings for him to warm up. And that was if he liked the person's company.

It took him two months to warm up to Jake.

But something about Maeve had him talking a mile a minute. Even Bradley had turned around to raise his eyebrows at how much Bob was talking. He had to be careful; the last thing he needed was to be in the same situation he was in six years ago.

"I'm not super familiar with Polish food- other than bagels and pierogi's- but I'd like to learn more about it," her voice was sweet, albeit slightly reserved. Not wanting to appear too eager, or insinuate anything.

"I have a whole box of recipes from my mom and Aunts and Grandma. I can bring it next time-" He paused. No, don't assume. Never assume. "I can pass it on to Bradley who can give it to Birdie. Whichever you prefer."

"We can leave y'all to talk to each other if you want!" Bradley called out before turning his attention back to Nora.

"I have a feeling this won't be the last time we see each other. Not if those two lovebirds have anything to say about it." Her comment brought out a laugh in Bob, which in turn caused a big smile to break out across Maeve's face.

"Glad I'm not the only one who calls them that. Everyone else says it's too cheesy." "Well, those people have no love or appreciation for puns. Luckily for you Robby, I do."

He didn't correct her. In fact, he liked how the name sounded coming from her pink lips.

"Maybe we can keep talking about puns and recipes while they," Bob pointed to Bradley and Nora, who were currently holding hands and exchanging (what they thought to be) sneaky kisses, "Are themselves."

"So they act this way around you too?" Maeve's eyes lit up, relieved she wasn't the only one who had to deal with the most sickeningly sweet couple on the planet, "Being a third wheel with them is rough."

The two had now stopped at the pickles goods stand, ignoring their friends who had invited them out.

"I think it's going well! I never saw her smile this much with Charlie," Nora whispered excitedly, unable to take her green eyes off of Maeve and Bob.

"I'd say so," Bradley looked at Nora, not needing to see that his friend was talking to Maeve with a gleam in his blue eyes, a rare sight, "You know it's not going to happen overnight, right?"

"I'm aware. But I think they're off to a good start," Nora grinned. The sight of her best friend, looking the happiest she's seen in the past year, kept her bounce on her toes.

Bob and Maeve were indeed, off to a good start.

[thetruekyle]

The difference between me, and them is:

I am NOT a celebrity. I have NOT sold my soul to the devil for fame and fortune. I never deserved to be treated just like the rest, even though I was able to catch your eye as one of the best.

I breathed life into you, and you stole away with it; just to break-in the engine of another getaway car.

So what am I to do in this fantastic show of inconsideration. Does your ego even know you did me so dirty? Does it even know whom you scar?

If it did, would you even care?

I said I love you, and I swear I still do... but to love me back with the same magnitude is a risk you could never bare, (there's pudding in the proof) and to regard me as I do you- is a journey you could never fare.

I am all that I am, and you are all of you, the difference is that I can feel all this, and still actually care.

But I see now how this love story is truly a tragedy...

-Now that this middle-class divorceé is all the way dead, likewise- to you.

And with none but the Holy Spirit to carry my corpse to and fro-

In the words of 'Jack Sparrow,' on stranger tides-

"I gotta go."

[monsterboyfriend]

everytime I see kurtofsky I go 👀👀, it's very intriguing to me (in a good way), so I'll have to ask, do you have any random headcanons for them?

Most of those headcanons are Nsfw lol. And otherwise, it really varies from scenario to scenario. But hmm... let's see.

Dave is really into the Foo Fighters (and Michael Bublé. In 2011 he was embarrassed of it, but in 2021 he gives zero fucks about other people's opinions of him)

They both like the Scissor Sisters

Kurt is the more deadpan of the two of them, but has a soft spot for Dave's smile (a weakness)

Dave has a crush on 90's Leo DiCaprio, and sometimes Kurt dresses up as Jack Dawson or Romeo from Romeo + Juliet to get Dave to fawn over him. The Hawaiian shirt is worth wearing for the attention he gets

Dave is super agreeable with Kurt, and sometimes Kurt worries that Dave doesn't advocate for himself enough

When they argue, it's usually about hurt feelings

Dave likes resting his head on Kurt's shoulder

If they got together senior year of high school, it would be the scandal of the year

Burt would want to murder Dave, but is too pragmatic to do it

It would take a while for Burt and New Directions to come around on the idea

It's far more likely that they would get together a decade after high school once the memories aren't so fresh, after Klaine gets gay-divorced 🌈

Blaine is on really good terms with both of them, a mutual close friend of the couple. He sings "Death of a Bachelor" at their wedding, and goes a little overboard with his speech, but he means well. They find his antics amusing

Kurt is a sexy divorceé with a son he has a hard time relating with, but nevertheless is an exemplary father

Dave and his step-son are really into the MCU, but Kurt's only seen a couple of those movies

Dave fills out their taxes

The older Kurt gets, the more he curses. He looks back at the days when he said "Oh my Gaga" and blushes angrily whenever it's brought up (by Dave (and sometimes Blaine))

That's all for now :)

[tomlinsof]

Friends: Part 1.

What I once called Begin Again, did not make justice to the masterpiece written by Miss Taylor Swift. A song about finding love again in someone new; a clean slate ready to be filled by new moments and memories. The kind of love that makes you wonder why you’d ever doubted its existance. 

A couple days after, I realized that this Begin Again was made to stay a You Belong With Me, and I was destined to wait at your backdoor for those tiny, ephemeral instants in which you forgot about her and decided you liked me better. 

You said it and made me believe in you. I breathed in those words the way I used to breath in your scent when you hugged me friendly-like. I can still feel your touch when you unexpectedly tried to massage my neck because I looked stressed out. Of course I was stressed out. Do you know how hard it is to have that one thing you want the most but can´t have, playfully dancing in front of you? 

You probably don´t, because there is not one single thing in the world that you couldn’t have. 

We both perfectly know what we are feeling. 

I’ve said too much. You’ve said too much. Yet we can´t get anywhere. 

As for me, my words always end up buried deep into the blurriness of my own alcohol excesses, making it unclear to you if I was speaking my heart or tequila was speaking my lust. 

You, you choose your words so carefully. As any decent lawyer, you leave absolutely no room for loopholes or interpretation. It is what it is but it’s not what I think it is, or maybe it is, as long as I say first what I want it to be. 

I, I am carrying emotional baggage equivalent to a three-times-divorceé-once-widowed woman. My heart has been tramped and flamenco danced on; so I won´t allow myself to take any risks again. 

You tend to hurt people. You’re selfish and narcisstic. You won´t  risk yourself for self preservation and you don´t really care if, at the end of this adventure, I am the victim of the terrible decisions I’ve made under the influence of those drug-like words, those yearning hands and those blond eyelashes, longer than these quarantine days. 

And in the end, does it really matter? We’ve agreed on staying friends despite the dreadful result this is definitely ending up in. And if it ends in tears, I know you won´t be there to dry them. And if we fight, I’ll just have to stamp a smile on my face and pretend it didn´t hurt. You will just grin at me with that devil smile and those angel eyes, call me friend, and playfully hug me as if nothing ever happened. I will smile back, faking it, and inhale your perfume while I awkwardly stand there, letting you hug me as I digest my resignation. 

You, perfectly aware that every single bone in my body screams in ache. Me, silent because I know I agreed to this arragement in which I can only bet to lose. 

I know I’m better than this little game. I know this is not worth it. I know this could destroy me. Yet I can´t get out and, in a way, I don´t think I want to. 

For now, the high is worth the fall. 

Yet the fall seems unavoidable. 

[littleziisa]

Mm. I’ve unfollowed already to avoid triggers, death, and destruction but every now and then I do check up on him. Woaow. Yeah, there are frequent ups and teary downs in this end too but... hhhhhhh.... Do I feel like there will ever be anything like the love we had in the first place with him in my life? Nope. Is my divorceé life a hellscape™ with me as the worst person on Earth that everyone except my close ones despise? Nu-uh, it’s not an apocalypse and I’m a regular human nugget. Two adults made an adult decision to be apart. Does it hurt? It hurts like a bitch. Is it killing me? Hell no. Do I think he’s a demon/Satan/[bad word of choice]? No. He’s a lovely man burdened with lots of issues which are incompatible with mine. Would I murder him or be super hostile to him if he were to return home and help clean the mess he made before bolting? Nope. I’d actually be grateful and act like a proper and civil, calm ex.

I literally called him yesterday that I actually don’t care what day he comes back, stay where-ever as long as you want. At first I thought it’d be nice to spend some of our remaining live-together life, you know, together. But, we would be in this apartment hardly a fortnight anyways since my parents will pick me & my stuff up some day after the check-up and then leave. So, do as you wish, there is no issue either way.

Dude, I no longer judge any of your actions that have 0 impact on me (as in if you’d do something uncharacteristic such as pee all over my linens then yeah I’d be bitching about it, obviously you wouldn’t do that. Just to be clear, it’s just a whack example). Drink all you want. Scream all you want. Cry all you want. Spend every last cent to buy fancy paperclips. I have zero responsibility for your life and your well-being now. You do you. I’ll gather my stuff, go to the check-up, gather the rest, then fare-thee-well. I wish you as happy and healthy rest-of-your-life as possible, from my heart. All this -- this ain’t my business no more so make your own choices. Be ~free~.

[qualkoesuce-blog]

How soon is too soon to start dating after a divorce

Can a Person Meet Someone Too Soon After a Divorce? I have decided to leave my husband of 9 years we have 3 girls together and moved out with my kids a little over a month ago.  It is just there is a small doubt inside making me wonder if I have moving on too soon because I was with him for over many years.  What about your life is it going well? Since you just broke up with your lover, you have to heal that heart broken scar first and try be the best person you can be before you begin commit to anyone else.  If relevant, please include what state your divorce is taking place in as state laws vary.  Well, the truth is that only you and maybe your therapist can answer that question.  Unless you start dating before dating after divorce, and when it's okay to date after dating after divorce? Just ask him to pause, to try and put himself in her shoes.  Now they see you in a different light.

How to Know When to Start Dating After Divorce Do yourself and your love life a favor.  Immediately started dating on 3rd 'boyfriend' in 12 months--this one seems super serious.  Nearly a decade together and you can't wait a few months before testing the waters again? I'm laid back into the divorce: goodbye meeting in a breakup.  Our panel of dating after divorce is going dating someone.  Why are you posing this question? There's no ideal time to know how to date after your ex and what are the advantages to date of getting naked again soon.  My daughter has no idea my ex wants nothing to do with her now, she was not there to hear him say that and I do not plan on telling her either.  You Are Not Alone That said, with over , women in the Sixty and Me community, I was sure that there were many other great ideas out there.

Dating After Divorce: How Soon is Too Soon? There is nothing that says he even has to bring the kids to you.  In the beginning, it amplifies our insecurities.  Because divorce is hard, the end of your partnership should be honored with as much time as you need to heal.  Don't live by others' values - you may miss out on some great stuff.  I had not talked to him for some time and as soon as I went to dinner and came home, he decided to start calling and came by.  When the thought of going out with someone new sounds more exhilarating than it sounds exhausting, it might be time to give dating the green light.  You've let go of a parent wait too long to jump into three, you know when and fast rules for years.

9 Divorceés Share How Long They Waited To Date Again Otherwise, your kids will become emotional ping-pong balls.  Many people consider it cheating until the divorce is final, he may be one of them and so to him you are in fact cheating if you are dating again.  Taking the time to heal after a break up will help you avoid a rebound relationship and put you in the best place to find love again.  I have a Guinea pig who eats nonstop though.  I have never been divorced myself, but I feel that once you are living in separate homes, you are a free agent.  Because he very well could do that.  Not everybody however use it to find a date; some are just looking to see what type of people are available out there.

Dating After Divorce: Is it too Soon? Don't listen to family and friends who may be telling you that you need to get out and find someone new.  Find out how well you handle rejection after your divorce.  There is nobody judging me but still I want to be happy for my own sake and to keep the sanity inside.  As always, please feel free to leave suggestions, ask any questions for help or simply discuss the topic.  Luckily they both remained cool and it did not escalate.

Dating After Divorce: Is it too Soon? I can't imagine trying to move on before the ink has even tried.  By the same token, if you're just looking for a little companionship while you get over the hump of healing, having a new friend can be a great thing.  Feeling sad and tips for 5 months or too soon after the plurality of the divorce: lisa arends.  If you expect or need to fall in love again, your new relationship might be doomed to failure.  There comes a time, when meetings to find better people becomes a necessity and then we keep nothing in mind except to look for a new partner to keep the love life moving.

9 Divorceés Share How Long They Waited To Date Again So dad told the kids he was going over to check on mom.  I found out I was never legaly married when I left my husband and filed for divorce.  How soon to start dating after a divorce Judith sills, you're just dealing with the divorce think are longer together.  When you think about going on a date, what would the conversation be about? How soon to date again after break up? By: Contributor - Updated April 27, 2015 No one can tell you the right time to start dating again after you have been divorced.  In other words, be an emotionally healthy, complete person.  It doesn't matter if it was for a booty call or to complete a project for work.  He knew nothing about my divroce, last I had spoken to him was the year I got wed, in 2008.

When to start dating after divorce and how soon is too soon? : Divorce If your relationship was a long one, you likely had a lot invested emotionally.  But I dont' feel that you need to wait for divorce to be finalized to date.  You'll see them, they will avoid you and then you'll find someone else who will date you - yay you! Wait long enough to grieve and get your act together, then jump right in before you become a bitter old cat lady like me.  Well I knew he would continue bothering me so I turned off my ringer, 10 mins later something told me to check my phone had 17 missed calls from him.  Online dating world has the following divorce.  If you're not careful, it can backfire on you with your children rebelling or worse, one of your so called friends is not so nice to your little girls.  It took me months to be able to breathe normally after my divorce.

Dating soon after divorce Are you able to talk about your ex husband calmly and without getting upset? As far as I can see you did this in a discrete way which not adversely affect the children.  I did not feel like a man if somebody was not dangling from my arm.  You have to be above board, no fault at all, no dating, no doing anything with any man by yourself.  Am I take steps too soon in regard to dating and having a new relationship? Divorce: tread carefully when to get back together even think about marriage is.  I'm sorry but I think you're being delusional.

[taming-my-unquiet-mind]

Family Vacay

If my wife is the reason I feel strong enough to face life’s obscure challenges, then my family is the reason I find them so difficult to begin with. Now, to preface, I am a first generation, college graduate, and a child of immigrants from El Salvador (who themselves are children of war, and products of their very Hispanic, machismo upbringing). So, when taking these items into consideration, my parents did a damn good job. And I am very, very grateful and proud of them.

HOW*EV*ER. (read with claps for emphasis)

Not only does my particular family boast a multitude of genetic pre-dispositions (including several mental health diagnoses, substance use, and other physiological health concerns), my culture doesn’t especially lend itself to raising healthy, empowered young women. I won’t recount how my willful, gay, ass traversed my childhood with these lovely outdated expectations, but suffice it to say that by the end of my adolescents my dad gave up and simply supported me by muttering endlessly “Fight for your rights, honey. Fight for your rights” as he walked away from whatever diatribe I had started spouting.

My dad has 8 kids. My younger brother and I are the only two which share a mother. The diaspora of my siblings spread as far west as California and as far south as El Salvador. (note: I just impressed myself with the use of the word diaspora). But however estranged my father might have been, he was one of the only men who chose to stay. What’s that mean? That means as absent as he was, he was more present than any other father figure. 

My mother tried to stay after she learned of the indiscretions, but when I was about 12 she had reached her limit and decided to divorce him. It was the best course of action for the both of them, though at the time I most certainly did not agree. Even before the split, my father was often absent. I was walked down the senior carpet at my last Varsity basketball game by my mother and brother. I took homecoming and prom pictures alone. Yet, I never experienced any of that cliche self-blame that many divorceé children typically experience. I didn't think I was to blame for their failed marriage. There was, however a rather persistent sense of inadequacy. The rationale, for me, was that he simply didn’t love me that much. And I didn’t blame him for it. It's not as though I felt that it needed to be rectified or anything. It just was. If he loved me more he would have stayed with me. But he didn’t. So he left …..

It was (and still is) massively painful, but when I think about it, he did the best he could. My father was 18 when his first child was born (my eldest sister) during his already violent country's massacre of a civil war. So he fled, came to settle in LA, and started a family there. Then fled again, and so began the pattern. So in order to have a relationship with him, I had to either truly believe that he did his best or fake it for the rest of my life. So I chose the former. And, as difficult as it can be, its one of the best decisions I’ve made as an adult. 

My mother, on the other hand, is an emotionally battered, but amazingly resilient warrior. Sacrificed and viewed as collateral damage in her youth- I have no idea how she made it. She always says my brother and I saved her. Our births give her life meaning. We put her back together. I am her right eye, my brother her left. And even with all of that, even with the adoration she has for us, she still couldn’t stop herself from perpetuating the cycle of emotional violence, repeating the damage that she so desperately tries to escape. At 13, I was composed of raging hormones, self-centered thinking, a propensity for playing the victim, and nerves fraying at their ends. So when puberty reared its ugly head and crashed into me like a mac truck- followed in quick succession by my disorder - the relationship with my mother didn't stand a chance.  Of course, now I have an unlimited supply of patience for the woman.

So the idea of a vacation with the fam is unappealing to say the least. I get anxiety just thinking about it. But the 3 pieces of my heart will be there- my nieces. So that’ll make it better.... my siblings will also be there. So that tempers my excitement considerably. But as the wife has taught me- I’ll hope for the best.