#I feel like I'm going to expire
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#the audacity of this author to want to add new endnotes after I already typeset his paper#my guy they aren't linked anymore. you want me to manually go change every single little number?????#the time window for that already expired. when you said the text was finalized#ughghghghgh proofread means look for typos and formatting errors and stuff. not add and delete and change around huge chunks of text#we already did that part. sir.#(I'm gonna do it I just have to complain about it first)#this is the same guy who basically rewrote his entire paper after I copyedited it the first time#like realistically it's not entirely his fault if he didn't get properly informed about our process#but from my end of things it really feels like#okay tell me you don't value my time and effort without telling me you don't value my time and effort
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#f#c#hmmm a few things i'm disappointed with#this film is supposed to be fresh or at least well conserved but it feels pretty expired given how much grain there is#guy who sold it to me was like oh its cinema film it doesnt have expiration date also idk the production date. it was from 2019.#we can say 2019 is recent but it's literally half a decade old idk#but maybe i am underexposing i should have done a proper exposure latitude test before going and using 15 rolls on an important trip.#also maybe the color temp filter is interfering with the lens sharpness because the lens is supposed to be much better than this#However what use is a sharp lens if it just. misses focus anyway.#and it does seem to be misfocusing consistently#hmmmm#also the graininess might actually be the lab developing it poorly#which would suck
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one funny thing about my ocd that i only noticed now that i have my own bathroom is that i go through a bottle of hand soap in a little over a week... that is fuckin crazy man
#and i use the foaming stuff which is supposed to last longer#my contamination ocd has gotten really intense in the past year or so#washing my hands after i touch basically anything#(and my compulsion to check expiration dates and safety seals)#also after a while i can just “feel” that my hands aren't clean and i gotta wash#it's interesting to notice something... quantifiable?? that shows how strong the compulsion is and how freely i give in to it#i feel like when i was sharing a space with two other people i had to really suppress a lot of my urges for my own sanity and theirs#like we went through soap fast there too but there were 3 of us so i didn't think about it too much#now that i'm alone it seems like i'm going balls to the wall with it#no i won't be seeing a therapist about this lmfao#rambling in the tags is free#and doesn't tell me to go on an ssri
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in all seriousness. im exhausted lol
#txt#its very hard 2 keep myself alive actually its kinda exhausting and on top it all off i dont have my medication bc i have to take a FUCKING#assessment every fucking 2 years or whatever to PROVE THAT THE FUCKING DISORDERS I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH ARE STILL IN MY BRAIN WHICH IS SO#FUCKING STUPID THERE IS NO FUCKING CURE TO AUTISM OR ADHD WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKING PEOPLE THINK IT EXPIRES GO TO HELL??????#and its so HARD bc im not medicated i need money to live but i CANT live like everyone does because I Am Not Strong Enough#like genuinely people have no idea how easy it would be To Me to just end it and that i Only don't do it because there are people who would>#miss me. like i swear to god i'm not good right now and idk if this feeling is ever gonna go away bc it's been here since i was like. 5#lol. yay ❤️
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#I drank tea that expired when neymar was still at barca#and in the last few hours I've figured out so many plots for stories and fics I think I'm going crazy#is this what drugs feel like#max you set me up fr#thank you?#also i drank milk in my tea for the first time since 2021#i need to write
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#i was going to make a post that was like#'do NOT fall in love with someone you inevitably have to leave one day WORST DECISION OF MY LIFE!!'#but it's not even. like i don't regret a second of my current relationship#and i don't really talk about it on here but i'm so in love it feels very precious and delicate#in a way that feels different to anything else#but also there's the fact that there's a (supposed idk) expiration date#unless i can/want to stay in this country#which is extremely difficult so LOL#i try not to think about it much but i do#it feels like pre-emptive mourning
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girl it is 20 o clock it is too late to be. uh. idk what i'm doing honestlyee <3 slayyyyyyyy!!!!!!
#i made a textpost#8 pm and we stay silly but also we should probobally go to bed bc i feel like. weird. like on a spiritual level i've drank expired soda#not physically but like something in my energy is not right#think its the late night setting in. YOU CAN'T TAKE MY SILLY#trying to make me paranoid smh. not late enough for that u gotta wait at least one more hour#but yeah. eppy time#right now i'm still happy and peppy i'm just a little fucky wucking weirddd <3#but soon i will becomes. infested with horrors#so eepy time it is <3
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Just now thinking about my parents yelling at me and my siblings for eating all of the groceries they just bought when I was a teen and how it's actually made me waste more food as an adult bc I buy things and only use part before stowing the rest away bc I feel like if I eat everything within like a week it means I'm a greedy savage and I don't have any respect for the things I consume.
#anntics#like. in retrospect. of course a family of seven will consume a ''family size'' package of anything in a couple of days#if you have 5 kids and a 16 pack of toaster pastries and each kid eats one per day... I mean c'mon#of course you're going to find only one pastry left on the morning of the fourth day#IT'S FOOD....#I feel crazy for not realizing this until now I'm still weird about eating food I buy#I feel less terrible throwing away expired inedible food than I do eating all of something I just bought#this is only for packaged ready-to-eat things and like. snacks. throwing away leftover cooked food makes me about equally upset#there's no real point to me posting this btw. just jotting this down in my journal to get it out of my head#and now I can go finish loading the dishwasher
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#several of my friends all just graduated and i love them and i'm feeling very. wah. about it all ending#also im meeting my housemates' families for the first time and they make so much sens#and i adore the family of the housemate i'm most like; it feels like i get them and they're all so sweet and nice and :')#anyways it was good to see everybody! and sad to see them all go and more sad to realize that this will happen every year from now on#as i have friends graduating/leaving every year until i do#is this what adulthood is? just people leaving forever and ever and ever?#actually; no. this is what graduate school is. but after that i can settle and find people and they won't have a proximity expiration date#having emotions. going to go play my instrument about it
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#i've been passively suicidal since i was like 8 or 9#and over the years it has obviously come and gone in waves#sometimes more active and sometimes active enough to try (fucked it up though)#but something just feels different about it this time#like the last 1.5 to 2 years or so have just been like. unending nonstop 24/7 urges to follow through#like i'm past my expiration date or something#feels real fuckin surreal and bad and i have no one so uhhh once again i have no reason not to go through with it#i'm just going to be in nonstop unbearable pain for the rest of my life#might as well shorten that a bit and make everyone's lives easier#all i do is fucking ruin everything like the stupid pathetic piece of shit i am
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I saw 3.8 leaks (info about them in tags if you don’t wanna look at them)
Me: We don’t spend money on gacha games. We don’t spend money on gacha games. We don’t spend money on gacha games.
3.8 leaks: *Exist*
Me: FUCK
#genshin leaks#last warning for y'all get out if you don't give a shit about leaks#WHY IS MY DAUGHTER AND EULA ON THE SAME BANNER#LIKE DON'T GET ME WRONG I ALREADY HAVE KLEE BUT LIKE...AGH#AND THE SKINS#THAT'S WHAT I AM MOST STRESSED ABOUT ME CRACKING FOR#BECAUSE KLEE'S SKIN IS FUCKING ADORABLE#SHE IS DRESSED UP LKE HER MOMMY#DODOCO IS PEEKING OUT OF HER. BACKPACK#like yeah Kaeya's is perfect as well#BUT I AM GOING TO NEED TO SPEND MONEY IN ORDER TO GET KLEE'S#and again I have a hard and fast rule about not spending money on gacha games#the only time I ever broke that was for Caramel Arrow Cookie and that's beacuse I had like 20 gift cards that were about to expire#BUT KLEE'S SKIN IS SO CUTE#I'm still not gonna spend money on it but this is the closest I'll probably ever get#AND A POTENTIAL KAEYA HANGOUT AYO???#3.8 feels like an update specifically designed for my dumb ass#and I appreciate that but now I need to have self-control
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hey, i also want to add to this and say that stuff like saltine or ritz crackers can be easy in a pinch—i run through bread, especially because i'm not the only one eating it.
beyond that, it also expires faster, and sometimes i just forget to buy any. crackers have a longer shelf life, and i personally don't eat them a lot—usually with soup or tuna or something—so i can just sort of forget until i need them. i had to do this trick this morning, and the crackers i bought [last month] expire november this year.
as for tea, i use one bag of ginger lemon tea blend [i never have fresh citrus on hand, personally] and about four sugar cubes (i also typically put a bag of black tea alongside that—no caffeine—but this is just preference based) which i then steep in a glass of warm milk.
i used this first for someone else after remembering the benefits of ginger and warm milk on the stomach—i didn't actually realize that lemon helped nausea at the time, however; i was just working with what i had.
#i'm not kidding about the saltines#even if you never eat them otherwise#buying a box every so often is still a good idea#i have adhd#so i can go to the store + plan to buy bread but then forget#or it'll expire before i realize#i also have moments where i can't eat the bread#as in it seems a little insurmountable at the moment#typically due to the nausea#i'll try to take a bite and feel blech#but the crackers are small enough so it's like 'oh!' and somehow that's easier#the bite-sized-ness of the cracker makes it easier to eat sometimes#and i mean i also have depression so ...kinda expounds on some of the forgetfulness + such#also why i don't do much of fresh produce although i am trying to fix that—but sometimes having it all in the teabag is easier#sort of like the size of the cracker making the cracker easier to eat#anyway it's great advice#i also feel like maybe the milk balances the citrus some ? because i've never had any issues with the lemon-y-ness of the ginger lemon tea#i dunno though
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Well I finished The Hands of The Emperor, and well it was by no means a perfect read or my personal favorite ever, I did enjoy it immensely. My main takeaway is that more books should be allowed to be really long and character focused and about retirement-age adults and have a bajillion little subplots
#daisyreads#some of the scenes were superfluous but also I still had fun reading them so literally whatever#I do have to say though. I had the ebook and was in no way prepared for how long this book was#my loan expired and I had to wait to check it out again#anyway I feel like it didn't follow through satisfyingly with some of the major stuff at the end#like the ending was all about Cliopher and that stuff was lovely but also like. we kinda just stopped focusing on the emperor#also it got a little preachy/unsubtle at the end but whatever#>>going to make a really stupid joke please ignore>>#[why was this Atlas Shrugged for liberals lol]#<<okay moving on#anyway I loved loved loved a lot of the character moments#especially when you keep thinking we're building up to a character losing control and finally expressing everything they've been bottling u#except then it doesn't quite work that way because when you've been swallowing it for so long you just kind of choke#anyway Cliopher is a great character and I love him but he could have been a little less perfect at everything#and we could have done with a little less ''other people get slammed over the head with how perfect he is''#but anyway. I still liked it. close to my heart#loved the slow trickle of worldbuilding and the time to get to know it#the zoomed-in and zoomed-out worldbuilding both#although I'm still confused about The Fall but whatever#anyway I really liked some of the internal and interpersonal conflicts and relationship dynamics#very tender exploration of stuff that doesn't usually get focused on in the genre#anyway I am always a sucker for political fantasy as I am learning
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A wip for something I'll probably never finish (◕ᴗ◕✿)
Ignore the fake looking blood and non existent fingers for now, those will be remade as soon as i have the skill to do so :)
#wip#dear gog the blood looks like those expired slimes y'know#I'm feeling like trying to do a oil painting kind of look for this one#perhaps a reinassance religious painting kind of style#i think one of the closest thing I've ever seen to a materialised religion (if that even makes sense) would be ballet#any kind of ballet make me feel like they have somehow found a way to reach an angelic way of existing while the eeriness floats around them#i might be going crazy at this point but like. ballerinas are inhuman in the most beautiful way one could be#i think im just a lesbian...
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#ACTUAL FUCKING CACKLING I LOVE THIS SERIES#FUNNIEST POSSIBLE SERIES OF EVENTS#absolute clown shoes shitshow charlie brown charging futilely at the football yet again hours#after a decade plus of this I think I'm finally immune to casbaiting hurting my feelings#like it's so ridiculous and sisyphean at this point that it's just comical it's some gift of the magi shit#we are never getting a resolution to this they're going to keep jerking us around until the NDAs expire or the heat death of the universe#thinking back to how desperate I was in those last five minutes of watching the finale live begging for just the tiniest crumb#even a single offscreen reused 'hello Dean'#and they couldn't even give us that. AND THEY STILL WON'T#one of a kind media experience that hates YOU PERSONALLY#crushing on and seeking the approval of your emotionally manipulative straight bestie in middle school SIMULATOR#IM HAVING A BALL ON THIS BITCH!!!!!!!!!!
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sometimes i wish i didn't have a job i can leave at work cos it just gives me too much time on the weekends to contemplate life and feel like shit basically every sunday
#see if i had a publish or perish job i could just put all my energy and brain power into research and writing#and i would still feel like shit but at least it would be externalized#anyways this weekend's pity party is over and i've accepted i'm going to be alone forever etc#i realize i'd be an insufferable romantic partner anyways so it all works out#the dream of building a life with someone has passed its expiration date and that's okay#i can take this opportunity to figure out new dreams#and i'll try not to complain about this anymore..
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