#I dont think id be able to emotionally handle that

[alienaiver]

its almost midnight and im overwhelmed by love for my friends.......... i want to hug them all. they make me brave

[misanthropiczombie]

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[smallest-moon]

vet bills is on 595,15€ and going up again soon, I am not going to survive this 🙂 might attempt writing commissions bc ha ha..

[gaystardykeco]

the problem with vacation is that now in three days i have to go back to working and being alone the rest of the time and idk if i can handle it

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas, reg kin anon back already haha

(again, cw/tw for medical stuff and complicated family dynamics)

firstly, thank you for your supportive and kind words, they really do mean a lot to me (and everyone else you help; youre genuinely such a wonderful person and deserve everything good in life ♡)

i think ive come to the conclusion that i havent really processed the whole situation yet, honestly. even though i wrote it to you, i havent actually said the words out loud about my mother's diagnosis (and honestly writing them out again is a struggle haha, like my fingers are blocked from doing it), and it kind of feels like saying it makes it real? does that make sense? i dunno. it feels so impossible to imagine my mother being genuinely sick with something so serious. 'my mother' and 'cancer' dont fit in the same sentence.

but i didnt really realise until now just how major of a major life event this is for everyone and everything. because (and remember, i have a very complicated relationship with my mother. i once defined it as 'i dont have to like you to love you' and i think thats really relevant to now, too) my mother was going to help me with moving out (both buying things ill need, as well as actually moving out on the day) but she told me yesterday that ill have to go out to get things myself because she physically cant right now. i didnt think id mind so much, i like having my own independance and doing things myself, but i went out today to buy everything i need and i was struggling so much more than i thought. i genuinely almost had a breakdown crying in the first shop i went to.

honestly part of that was because i had no idea what i needed or where was best to get it or what any of the fancy words about different types of stuff meant (like, who even knows what depth their mattress is to buy the right bedsheet?? what is a tog??? whats the difference between a bath sheet and a bath towel?? they look the same!) but also because that was something we were supposed to do together. i dont like her and theres so much about her i want to change, but theres a huge part of me that was looking forward to a parent/child experience that so many normal families have, especially because i didnt get a lot of other typical 'growing up' moments with my parents due to how my family is.

part of me, in all honesty, considered waiting to move out, partly so that she could still be part of it, and partly so that i was in a better place emotionally to be able to handle the change. but if i were to do that, id have to wait another year (im moving out to go to university, and i already put it off last year to get a job instead because i was scared and anxious about university) and i dont know that i could go a whole extra year stuck at home. theoretically, i could afford to move out and rent (or buy, if i went to one of the cheap areas) when i felt ready in however many months time, but itd be a huge drain on my savings and would be nowhere near where ill be for school the following year so itd be a waste of money and time. itd be stupid and silly for me to put off university for another year, but i did consider it. i wont, but part of me is scared and wants to.

i met up with my older brother for lunch while i was out (who, sticking with the black family dynamics, is kind of like the andromeda of my family. he moved out 5 years ago to break away from the family and rarely comes home, and is probably the one person in my life who i feel genuinely comfortable and safe around) and we talked about it which was nice, especially considering my family is typically very much a 'do not talk about your feelings at all' sort of family, and as a whole we have not discussed anything further about my mother's health or how we're all handling it since that first conversation. he was super gentle and caring and honestly that in itself made me want to cry a bit because hes just so not at all like our parents?? idk who raised him but i wish theyd raised me too hahaha

but anyway, he was really open and supporting with me. he talked a bit about how he was feeling (which was super validating, because he was also hit hard by it and had complex feelings about it all) and he was really clear too that if i needed anything at all, i could always go to him and would always be welcome at his flat if i needed time away, even when i move out. (seriously, who raised this perfect older brother????) basically he was everything i needed in that moment and i am really genuinely thankful he exists, so at least my parents made one decent thing haha

still, though. i think its starting to hit me now just how many things are going to change and, as selfish as it is, how many things im going to lose and miss out on because of it. i dont like my mother, but i want her there to help me take that next step in my adult life, yknow? she, nor my father, have explicitly said she wont be able to help on moving day, but its not likely, and theres no way on earth i could ever ask whether she will (again: selfish thinking.)

my brother did mention, though, that the type of cancer our mother has is apparently one of the worse types if it isnt caught early enough. as far as i understand it (which isnt much, honestly, i dont understand much with medicine), she has cancer in her abdomen and its usually caught too late to get rid of. i didnt know this until today, i think our father didnt want to worry me? but i dont actually know how far along the cancer is (which stage it is? i think thats the right term) and i dont know at what stage it becomes too late. my brother also didnt seem to know, but now thats put a new worry in my head because my father explicitly did not mention that to me, so of course my brain has jumped to conclusions about why and what that means. im trying not to spiral, but ever since i found out about her diagnosis, i dont actually think ive gone ten minutes without 'fuck, my mother has cancer' or something similar going through my head, and restarting the breakdown id just pushed down again.

as expected, my sister was already making inappropriate jokes about it by the next time i saw her. i spoke to my brother about this too (hes cut contact with her entirely, like i plan to) and that was part of why he offered to let me stay with him if i ever needed; to escape our sister as much as our mother. i dont understand how she doesnt care a single bit. i know shes never got along with our parents but like, at least have a little decency and sensitivity?? she was literally laughing about it and i just... i dont get how someone could be such an awful person. sure whatever, she doesnt have to be upset if she really doesnt care, but thats crossing a fucking line.

this is getting to be another long ask so im gonna stop here for now, but before i do i just want to say thank you again for being such a safe place for myself and others. you are so, so wonderful cas ♡

- reg kin anon

Hi hon ❤️❤️❤️

I know there’s not a lot I can say right now to make you feel better because unfortunately I don’t know the future. I don’t know how this will turn out and neither do you. But I want to say again that your feelings - all of them - are okay and valid and none of them are bad or shameful. It’s okay to mourn the things that you might miss and it’s okay to have mixed emotions. No feelings are right or wrong here, and I’m here when you need to vent. Also I know move in Day will be hard but I’m so proud of you for continuing to prepare for university.

Sending so much love ❤️

[9cl]

i just finished watching the holdovers with my mom its a really good movie & definitely partly what i needed. im not mentally stable or happy enough right now to be able to criticize it or point out things about it that are wrong or whatever & i genuinely from the bottom of my heart believe that if i cared to i would just get worse. all of the things i think about media are in relation to my process of enjoying or consuming or understanding it or just simply reacting emotionally to it more so than intellectually. if i really wanted to write an essay on why i think the best musician of all time is Tek lintowe i would but i really dont want to and since art shouldnt be spoken of in absolutes since it relegates pieces of art to rungs on a ladder or hierarchies or labels or categories, its irrelevant anyway. i dont care enough about the intricacies because when my brain is constantly on the verge of shutting down from mere pain and deep-rooted conflicts with myself, i cant handle thinking rationally and intricately about a specific piece of art. none of the words i read or am exposed to enter my brain at all and im faced with the decision to either accept that id much rather just be plain and simple in my judgement or self-flagellate and call myself stupid as fuck for not being able to "Get Stuff". sometimes and for certain periods of time for certain people, the mission statement of art is to make sure you can think about things other than your own death on loop. the holdovers was a great movie that not only did that but faced me with the proposition that i'm intrinsically never alone left stewing in my own misery. it's nice to be alive and have family and listen to new or old music. at some point the things you must face inside yourself, they stare you down with a look of tired contempt instead of murderous sadism, and that's when you get close to them and finally bridge gaps left untouched for far too long when you should have been handling the situation. you make up with yourself

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw neglect , social anxiety / anxiety

hi i would like some advice

so i plan on moving out as soon as i can once i turn 18, it’s impossible for me to live at my “home” any longer than necessary.

im not cared for correctly my parents wont get me in any doctors appointments of any kind (eye, yearly doctor appointments, therapy, etc), theyve emotionally neglected me my whole life, they wont let me leave my house on my own i dont live in a dangerous place and its not far walks to go places here i get the hesitation since im a girl but again this is not a dangerous place and im not trying to go super far people walk here all the time. i dont know how to live on my own in any way. i can survive being alone in my room 24 hours a day but i have severe social anxiety and along with the neglect i havent been in school. i’ve always struggled with school and that was always ignored but i think it’s something more but i cant know for sure since my parents wont get me in with any doctor. as soon as i got into homeschool since i was experiencing really bad anxiety (instead of actually trying to help and get to the root of the problem they just put me in homeschool and turned a blind eye and acted like everything was fine) everything has only been festering and growing since and its debilitating now.

i dont have a driver’s license or id and not much school record since i got homeschooled 5 years ago (i would have been a senior next school year/in a couple months) i cant get a job I for one: dont have any of that i mentioned and also no idea how to socialize i dont have any friends and it just seems very hopeless. im not sure what to do. i need a job to start saving up to move but i have no way of getting one for the reasons i listed and also every time i try to do exposures for my social anxiety my parents wont let me (the walks for example). i cant live here any longer than i need to i really cant and thats not all the reasons why. i feel trapped here theres no room for me to do anything or grow at all. i just cant take it anymore i want to spend these next couple years trying to get better to leave but i have no idea how.

im not expecting anything from this i guess i just need any sort of advice or anything on how to navigate and get through my situation. how would someone handle this? not even just about the job aspect just how do i get out of this. i have no idea what to do and i dont have anyone i can talk to or go to. thank you for your time!

Hi anon, I'm very sorry to hear about the emotional and physical neglect you have, and currently are experiencing, as well as the lack of resources provided for you to become an independent adult (which seems to include both financial, as well as educational, abuse). I can deeply empathize that it likely feels like you are very much alone in all this, but sadly you are not the first, or only one, and I found several resources that might be of assistance (both for getting independence, as well as further validation).

Here’s a page that discusses the abuse that is sometimes found in homeschooling environments (which isn’t to suggest all are, but in your case, very much sounds so).  If anything this page might validate some of your experiences, as well as potentially sharing them with the reddit, and/or facebook groups.

Here’s an article that discusses what financial abuse is, suggestions of how to develop a safety plan to leave, as well as resources linked at the end to find shelters/services near you that might be of assistance.  

In my opinion, first focus should be about getting you into a safe environment, with trained professionals, who can help you navigate personal independence as you connect with community resources, and begin your healing journey.  Though my hope is that as you practice and experience safe environments, with safe people, it might help alleviate the social anxiety (if it’s a trauma based response), or, at the very least, they might be able to assist in developing new coping skills to navigate the world with the anxiety.  Either way, I promise there are people out there who care, want to help, and will - and I hope with at least some resources shared, it might be a starting point to help you connect with them. 

[flockofdoves]

i objectively would choose my current situation over basically any other time of my life ive lived through but also nonetheless sometimes it feels a bit meaningless to look back at previous periods of my life like ‘thank god im at least out of that situation’ because theres always a new way for things to be really bad. like when i was isolated and worked one on one with an evil evil evil supervisor in a job that flared up my chronic pain i was able to go to sleep on a regular schedule and made some art in my free time and didnt have roommates who stole and ruined all my stuff and made me take care of their animals. like i still absolutely choose ‘having friends and living with my girlfriend and having the opportunity to continue my learning’ over that but i hate how no situation ever sums out to on a whole things being better on a level of how emotionally and physically draining it is on average throughout a normal week. i absolutely have much higher highs now but the wide variety of stressors are way more complicated to balance. i want to someday get to a point in my life where just objectively i can reflect on how i feel throughout an average week and Know 100% it averages to better than it has instead of just being a different flavor of bad. but also idk maybe im just emotionally immature and dont know how to handle anything

i keep thinking about dropping out again but i know thatd just change the flavor of bad. my mom would stop giving me any financial support and i dont think being able to work full time would make up for that. id probably linger too long in doing nothing bc of my current burn out then struggle getting out of the hole that would create and id really regret just dropping what i cared about with school and work related stuff rn and i wouldnt know how to keep up with people i know from those contexts. and i know the biggest reason im continuing with school is because some of the few jobs that seem physically and emotionally sustainable for me require a degree. so i do really just have to continue like this. it could be worse absolutely 100% i know that but i just dont know how to have hope for it being better. its not even that bad but i still dont know how to sustain it

[mtsainthelens]

The roommate parenting post is definitely not normal. Its neglect. Parents, when they commit to raising a child, hold the responsibility to raise that child. If the parent cannot help their children with homework, food, chores, and social support, it should fall on family friends and extended family or hiring tutors if thats an option or getting access to the necessary help to raise that child-- teachers' only responsibility should be educating (which assists with social and emotional development too). But definitely not normal. Id encourage you to talk to someone about how [un]involved (?) your parents were in your life and unpack why you think neglect is normal

my biggest eyeroll ever. i WAS neglected and so were many of my friends, other friends of mine had overbearing and controlling parents who tried to shape their entire lives and fwiw those of us who were closer to the neglectful side came out a lot less neurotic. but anyway whats described in that post isnt even neglect. ahem

"Neglect is defined as the failure of a parent or caretaker to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to the degree that the child’s health, safety, and well-being are threatened with harm."

this is my experience, i went without food shelter and supervision for long periods of time, obviously this was not normal. the post doesnt describe anything to that effect, what it makes out is emotionally uninvolved parents and that is what i am arguing is functionally okay and oftentimes a lot healthier to have than overbearing and overinvolved parents. look at this hierarchy of needs real fast.

i feel like its pretty obvious that most parents should only be expected to account for about 2.5 of the triangle and it isnt their job to shape the remaining 2.5. not every parent can emotionally and intellectually stimulate their children to a satisfying extent so it is the childs job to establish other connections and "social support" that can make up the remainder of that.

because the truth is that most people who think theyre "good parents" shouldnt be parents and their attempts to be "involved" make things worse for everyone. they put too much pressure and importance on how their child is turning out because they impose their own image onto them and end up shaping them and enmeshing with them to an unhealthy degree. kids can handle their own homework, chores, and "social support" LOL you need to be able to self select and self regulate w those.

do me and a favor and dont condescend to me or tell me i need to "talk to someone", you clearly have no idea who i am or you would know im on like level 12 of this shit. youre assigning me npc level base awareness of my own life and history and i bet you assign it to others too! dont do that. not every worldview you disagree with is a product of trauma that can be corrected with therapy. youre the one who needs to reflect on the way you see other people and their interiority.

[gr1evance]

1 and 4 for Strudel!!! 5, 6, and 8 for STARB!!!

for strudel:

1. What kind of person is your OC in a crisis? Are they calm and collected? Do they panic? Or are they chronically the cause?

oh in a crisis he will.. be one of the first to freak out about it. but not really in a loud way he tends to withdraw and just kind of want to hide for days on end. and it kind of eats him up inside because his whole thing is wanting to Be The Hero but. he cant really handle much anymore. especially considering the crisis hes currently in is VERY very life threatening i dont think anyone can handle it. but yeah he goes quiet or hides though on rare occassions he can push through enough to be a steadying force. but then he needs to go hide afterwards

4. Does your OC have a failed friendship or relationship they still think about? What happened? Is it an unresolved regret or is there a chance for reconciliation?

you could probably consider his relationship to patty to be that. they were still hero and villain enemies when the show got cancelled and they never really had a chance to resolve any of that. he always wanted to though even though they were trying to destroy the city because he just wanted to give them a chance since it seemed like no one ever had. but the show got cancelled before he could and now hes real and theyre not. he definitely still thinks about it a lot even though theres nothing he can do anymore

for starb:

5. Does your OC have a signature weapon and/or attack? How long did they train to master it?

one of his powers is being able to make these like big stars that he can throw to knock people back or use like a shield and i consider that his signature power probably. it took him.. a very very long time to get control of his powers so he could do stuff like that instead of Just Exploding

6. Does your OC know magic? Were they born with magical ability or did they train to acquire it? What is their favorite type of magic? Least favorite?

uuhhh well i wouldnt say Magic but he comes from like. superheroes world where most ppl have powers. he was born with his powers though theyre like. entirely emotion based and consist of like i mentioned above those stars he can summon they vary in sizes and when his powers are under control theyre generally glowing light yellow and rounded so they dont actually hurt people. but when he gets too emotional (any very strong emotion including positive ones) his powers get more dangerous and his stars specifically get a dull gray/white and are sharp and dangerous. when hes excited or just happy little cosmetic stars can like appear and float down around him. he also has slow falling which again he can only use when hes emotionally calm and healing which works by him like. again being calm but he has to wish to heal the person like wishing on a star its cute. and finally when his emotions are. extremely strong he does risk just straight up exploding, it doesnt injure him but it Is just an explosion to the area around him. he likes that he can help people with his powers now but ultimately hes kind of resentful of them and afraid of himself for all the harm he did in the past that was just an accident bc he couldnt control it. it very much haunts him

8. What was your OC's most embarrassing moment? Does it still bother them or are they able to shrug it off?

oh god.. im not sure honestly. i dont know if id count his past like. destruction and manslaughter as Embarrassing as much as traumatizing. i dont think he tends to get embarrassed too often? okay actually no i lied i think the entire time he was at scelestic after they kidnapped him and he met tesla (his husband) was the most embarrassing for him bc it was. really really gay. but he would never regret meeting his husband

[wish-to-grow-a-garden]

I feel like crap and haven't been able to watch any episodes today bc my ears are being mega sensitive, but I have been reading Cecilos fics to comfort myself and can I just say....if Cecil actually turns out to be immortal and he has tk watch Carlos die, I'm going to walk myself into the ocean

[gekkonidae]

I feel like it'd kind of be fitting for Lilith to end up taking edas place and dying or something

[stlaika]

Afrikaans pop trolls

[clubcoffin]

dont think about how at the end of the next album cycle one way copia might be killed off is that the plague finally kills him dont think about it

[babywiki]

i know im not the most forthcoming when it comes to texting back but im like. losing my mind here

[evilyisme]

i feel like i’m in this permanent weird mood even tho i know it’s not permanent idk. it’s partially exhaustion & the combination of things. need to get more sleep. i’m trying to do normal things but it’s all kinda off like i’m not as happy i should be about anything which is., unfortunate idk i need to just think talk & get sleepy & sleep again i dont want to bother ppl in my life w/my rambling & yet i can’t isolate my thoughts or i’ll Perish like i’m not real so hey thanks tumblr for bein That Bitch for me & keepin it real