#now im 5 days away from my departure..... my found family of friends have all helped and supported me in becoming who i am today

[alienaiver]

its almost midnight and im overwhelmed by love for my friends.......... i want to hug them all. they make me brave

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

ah yeah, i think quarentine has given people some opportunity to actually just sit with the person they are, rather than be rushing around for the person they want to become. its good you got smth good out of isolation! ah thats great! hope you had fun and ur partner in crime speeds back home so you can get out more hehe.

ah yeah ty, good suggestions.

hmm good point, i was sort of putting it separate to the whole not-sexualising thing, but yeah. mmm yeah i totally agree, some of the enhypen fics/imagines *shudder* and even reading innie stuff is just a bit *icky* cos everyone still thinks of him as our agi ppang. yeah def would be good but sadly this just seems to be the world we live in. :(

ah yes the holy masterlist (not sarc) i have actually read in the rain and gladius maximus before, but ill go look for in class! oooh thats good! character development lol. hmmmm yes champagne problems was the angst to end all angst, that shit hurt. it was actually one of the first of your fics i read and i recall almost crying over the whole thing, it was so heartbreaking, i can see how it almost made you want to drop angst. good that youve allowed yourself some lee-way tho :)

hehe thats so cool. okay here we go, ill try not to be mortally offended (/hj)

cheese - yes same, i liked it but that was all there was, it wasnt a super standout track. it was rlly underwhelming for me but some of the hook is super catchy so there is Redemption (tm) in store for cheese maybe

thunderous - mmm, yeah at first i totally agreed, i think they suffer from too much good music syndrome, that all their other tracks are such fucking bops its hard to stay at that level of perfection. the choreo was beautiful tho and tbh, the track has grown on me since ive been watching all the vids abt it. its my brothers favourite track

domino - YES GODAMMIT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE TITLE TRACK. the raps, the vocals, the vibes, the fucking domino sound in the back? i would have streamed that shit on repeat. but tbh, as good as it is, it doesnt have that sort of grandness/oomph that skz seems to like in their title tracks so i can see why they chose thunderous (tho domino would have been so good) *sigh*

ssick - yeah same, not my fave track by a long mile, the crowd cheering was a ?strange? choice and the chorus was a bit bare/empty, plus like i mentioned earlier, it was kinda funny to me for some reason but ill still play it if im playing thru the whole album

the view - ahh one of those not like other girls (/j) i honestly think its just a good party song, just a bop to play in the background when nobodys rlly paying much attention. its pretty generic pop music but catchy

sorry, i love you - hehe yeah i thought it was going to be sadder as well, but i rlly loved the fact that they all just got to sing, which almost never happens, i dont think ive heard felix sing for a long time, so i enjoyed it. wasnt rlly a standout track but i just casually like it. looking forward to the fic haha

silent cry - this song i swear, some bits are rlly good and then others are just? why?? it does sound like a dance song tho idk. definitely not one of my faves either

secret secret - YES its so good! its such a chill song and i love their vocals in it. the combination of lo-fi/fake strings backup stuff and their heavenly vocals just makes it *chefs kiss* im listening to it rn and just... its so beautiful. it gives me pumped up another day vibes ya know? like my pace is edgy get cool, this one is energetic another day i feel like. overall i love it

STAR LOST - ah thats so cool! i didnt know that! on first listen this song had a similar vibe to secret secret but then the beat came in and ahh its such a good song. i can totally imagine them putting this song to a concert footage vid, this song is so sweet.

red lights - LMAO YES ITS SO AWKWARD WHY DOES IT GO ON FOR SO LONG ah thats good! yeah good point, its quite intense hehe. but that is my fave trope and this is lowkey my favourite track on the album so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just the combination of hyunjins and chans voices, the backing music, the lyrics ahh red lights my beloved

surfin’ - yes lmao its always a shock, i feel like they should have put gone away in between them, but its such a fun cute song, i cant get rlly mad. yeah, as an aussie i think im contractually obligated to like beaches lol. sand im not such a fan of, but my familys rlly into fishing and my brother loves bodyboarding so we stay at a beach house at least twice a year and we live like 5 mins from 3 different beaches (hehe all aussie cities are on the coast lol) so thats cool. do you like beaches?

gone away - ah gone away my beloved, i love this song sm, its just so pure and showcases their vocals and lyrics so well. yes the pitch change is very out of the blue, i feel liek they went directly from seungmins soft vocals to hans powerful ones which was an interesting choice, but hey, im not complaining

wolfgang - YES IKR ah im so happy he got to be included in that era and song. yeah its such a full on song i cant rlly listen to it if im in a quiet mood but its very motivating :)

hehe mood, i hope they do! ahhh no rest, but at least you wont have to pull a blink and wait a year for any word from the group lol. im not rlly into nct but im excited for them! ah hopefully youll be able to sneak some rest into that chaotic schedule, with enhypen (idk if u stan but yeah) squeezed into it haha

<3 w.a. 🐺

i wheezed at partner in crime, it reminded me of smth. i have a lee know fic in the drafts that i wrote 'in honor' of him (and his departure-ish). i'll tag you when i finish it, if you want. it's a rather hilarious one.

oh my god. based on my experience on the collabs i've joined before, writing explicit shit for '01 & '02 is not accepted (nct's maknaes) but with enha's hyung line '01 & '02 somehow it's okay? i do a double take every time i see fics like those i mean, technically, it's legal but still what the fuck. maybe it's just not for me at the moment. not at us venting our frustration about this. it's just something that's so accepted here that i am (in all honesty) slightly uncomfortable about. but oh well. that's kpop writerblr for you.

man i could've linked all the fics in the ask instead so you wouldn't have to go looking for them! i think i saw you like in class the other day (the fic i renamed into sharp-tongued, god it took me a while to remember the new title). describing champagne problems as an angst to end all angst is one way to put what i was feeling back in december. it just hurt to write and admit?? if that ever happened to me i would prolly cry :d

okay back to the album talk! i love how you answered with more thoughts. i love exchanges like these! i am a victim of the cheese hook and it's now one of my favorite tracks in the album. PLS, TOO MUCH GOOD MUSIC SYNDROME. that's on our self-producing kings 😌💅 also, your brother has taste! as i am typing this, domino's currently playing in my head and i realized that too, that it doesn't have that 'vibe' of a skz title track. honestly, this could be a title track of another group. ssick is starting to grown on me because i found the beats cool kdjsk not the not like other girls 😭 the view is the generic pop that i don't like but i get why a lot of people enjoy it. sorry i love you scratches a certain itch that i find myself singing the first few lines every time i remember it. i too would want to hear felix sing more!

> a mini junction on the album talk bc i got side tracked. on that topic, i want skz to switch positions at some point like i know those allrounders are capable of doing so. specifically, i want to hear seungmin rap!!!! (yk in the recent weekly idol he talked faster than changbin in a challenge and changbin is like the fastest rapper in kpop that's active atm if im not mistaken. my dandy boy has some potential and i want it UNLEASHED.)

back to album talk. silent cry is basically sad music to twerk to. secret secret is definitely one of my favorite tracks :( i loved how you compared the tracks HAJSAH i burst out laughing bc yk what, you're right! i want to make a star lost edit of skz but i simply do not have the time i want to cry. i love the song so much. ok, my dreaded track, red lights. idt i have played the track since we last talked. my friend sent me the lyrics tho and i'm itching to write a twisted au out of it. idk if you're comfortable with yandere but somewhere along those themes. the obsessive type of love that's sweet at first but turns rotten. IMAGINE IF THEY PUT GONE AWAY BETWEEN ASHJA it's like going from 50 shades to the notebook.

i was about to ask if you lived near the coast and you literally mentions it here god im so stupid. yes i LOOOOOOOOOVE beaches so much. living in an archipelago is fun :( i live in a part of the country that's more island than city so every time i want some vitamin sea it's accessible. i heard the waves in australia are great :( anYWHOOO gone away :(( every time it plays im compelled to skip it because it makes me sAD AND NOWADAYS I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO BE SAD. contrary to you, i dislike my quiet moods because i tend to overthink a lot.

i have this little analogy about how there are stays that enjoy songs the generic pop + mellow songs and then there are other stays that enjoy the noisy tracks. in my mind, it's like a perfect balance that makes me feel like all the tracks are loved in the end. just by different people.

PULL A BLINK. bro i fucking hate yg entertainment. they have the biggest kpop girl group LOCKED in their basement when they could be (and i mean this in the most business-like way not morally) milking money of the quad. they're yg's biggest hope at not being bankrupt atm so it's a damn fucking mystery to me as to how they aren't doing anything. (jk i just realized lisa solo album soon, but i still need a ot4 cb hELLO)

i stopped looking forward to the teasers. rest > kpop boys. i don't want to sound like a cult member but have you tried checking out nct? are they just not your thing? (i get it tho, that's one hard group to get into). and yes i do stan enhypen!

wow i love how long these asks are! they're like online penpals. but i also want to ask about you! how have you been lately? are you feeling okay both mentally and physically? how's the weather there? do you have anything that you want to talk about? maybe an interesting book you read? feel free to bring up anything you want to share! i'm getting conscious about talking about myself HAJHSJ

and yet another long answer B) i am sooo sorry T___T should these ask exchanges feel draining to you, feel free to stop sending them in AAAA

[lafuerte01-blog]

It Is Only Impossible if you Don’t Try

IM Cozumel 2019 Race Recap

The hardest part of any story is trying to figure out where to begin. And in this case, do I start where my training began in April 2019 or do we start with race week? Or do you call this story, “A Tale of Two Kilgore’s” because (spoiler alert here) – one Kilgore trained her ass off and woke up at zero dark thirty multiple times throughout her 6 month training and had upwards of 6 hour long brick workouts while the other Kilgore just winged it and finished only an hour and a few minutes after the other.  Thinking back, who was the crazier person?  The one that invested time, lost sleep and spent a lot of money training, or the one that did next to nothing and still earned the coveted Ironman title? But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Let’s start with race week. Met up with my coach a few days before heading out of town for the race.  The good news was there was nothing magical that I needed to know.  I already knew it.  I had practiced it weeks and months on end.  I just needed to execute it.  The downside was I was so amped up and just wanted to RACE.  My mind was ready.  My body was ready.  Unfortunately, it was Monday and I still have 6 days to wait.  So I rested.  Or not really “rested” but went from 1.5 hour swims to 45 minute swim workouts.  And reduced my wattage on bike workouts and didn’t run full sprints at the track.  So I had 3 workouts to keep me busy, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday leading up to my departure to Mexico on Thursday afternoon.

I was never nervous about the race.  I was more nervous about whether or not all my shit would get to Cozumel.  If my bikes would make it unscathed.  If I would forget anything.  Never doing a race of this magnitude, wasn’t sure what I’d need for special needs bike and special needs run.  I prepped a collective 10 hours just packing for the race. And still had to pack for the vacation that followed!  In thinking back, if I could just have someone pack for me, that would have reduced my stress levels 1,000%.  

(Above: all of my OCD packing in action)

I realized during this time there was also no way that 2 bikes and 4 pieces of luggage along with 4 humans would be able to be transported in our Camaro or Altima. People talk about “marathon brain” in terms of forgetfulness during the peak of workouts.  Imagine if I woke up the day we flew out and realized we didn’t have the right cars.  Thankful that my brain was always in overdrive that last week so that I was able to connect with two amazing friends, Kevin and Jonny, to transport us and our luggage in their Texas sized trucks to and from the airport.

(Above: Thank goodness for friends with trucks!)

I learned the night before that my tri-sister Julianne made a sign to send Joe and I off on our trip.  I appreciated her time in making something so badass!

The Flight Out (3 days before the race)

I don’t know how I stumbled upon it but in researching the prior host hotels/resorts and trying to figure out the math for the best flights into either Cozumel or Cancun, I found an American Airlines Vacation package that got us the best flights, direct from DFW to Cozumel with our host resort included. SCORE!  Other options included flying to Cancun and schlepping our things on a ferry to Cozumel. More logistics made for a more stressed out Bethany so obviously the direct option was so worthwhile.  While waiting for the plane, our gate was taken over by families and participants of the race.  Joe joked this would be the fittest flight out that day.  We met up with a couple who were being Sherpas for their friend. We also met up with a lady from California (Lilian) who was hoping to PR this race and get a sub 12:00 (she did! 11:50 was her finish time).  She was with her two young ones and we were happy all our kids were appeased by electronics as it had already been a long day.  

On the plane, Joe ended up switching seats with a family that was separated so the son could sit with his mom.  Let’s face it, he needed all the good karma he could get!  In doing so, he sat next to an IronFamily – Keith and his wife. Apparently Keith got his canisters confiscated at the airport and wasn’t sure where to buy them.  Being the super anal-retentive person I am, I researched and followed every blog and Facebook group related to IM Cozumel and told Joe off-hand during a conversation that if they run out of air canisters at IM Village, we can go to the local tri store called Cabrillas.  Joe relayed that info and Keith was super appreciative.  It’s like they became best buddies that day. And they were buddies the entire weekend to follow- as not only did Joe sit next to him by sheer luck, but Keith and his family happened to be at the same resort.  In the same villa.  Exactly two floors directly below us.  It’s truly a small world.  After arriving in Mexico, we were in a bit of a panic as I found one bike but not the other.  We literally were the last family out of customs because of this one bike bag being separated from the pack.  And it’s not like customs is fast in any way and on top of that we’re on island time so we waited patiently.  

(This is what Cozumel airport looks like when you’re the last one in customs)

On top of it we randomly had to have our bags gone through because that’s what must happen when you’re tired.  So when we exited to get to our shuttle that had been waiting now for an hour and ten minutes, we got accosted by a tour group that posed as a front for our van service.  After realizing they were selling us a tour package, I kindly said no and headed out to our van, curious if it would even be there.  It was.  And after hauling everything into the back we loaded in the van and took in the 25 minute drive through downtown to the resort.  The downtown area was decked out for the race with welcome signs. The island was crazy busy with taxis and scooters everywhere.  I was thankful when we finally arrived at the resort which was away from the hustle and bustle for some authentic, local food and rest.  The family got to experience my favorite cochinta pibil and salbutes yucatecos for dinner.  We had seconds of each.  Dolores was the best waitress by far the entire time at the resort.  We filled our bellies and went to bed.

Friday morning, two days before the race

After waking up, Joe and I assembled our bikes.  It was then that I realized I left a second flat kit back at the house.  If not already familiar, the Kilgore’s have notoriously bad luck at races with flats and spokes but I figured the extra flats I packed would just have to go into my special needs bag and hope I didn’t need a second or third tube before picking up the special needs bag at mile 60 on the route.  

We went to IM village that afternoon to pick up our race packets, find our name on the IM wall, take obligatory photos with the Ironman sign, and look about the IM store to buy all the things.  But since this was an IM branded race co-sponsored with Adeportes, the items weren’t as plentiful as many IM 70.3 races.  And most of it was already picked over.  But maybe that was a good thing because we got out cheaper than if all the things were there.  We obtained our IM wristband, our timing chip, our race bags, all inside a nice IM Cozumel branded backpack along with a nice race belt.  Because Joe is notoriously known for meeting up with random people he doesn’t know, we ran into my FTC teammate Julie Adams and her IronFamily and spoke with them for a while.  He had worn his FTC shirt to go to IM Village in hopes to run into someone; it worked.  

(Above: Awesome name placement)

While at IM village, my brother Brian arrived so the kids and I walked to meet him.  After a brief hello it was about that time that Joe and I had to go to the mandatory athlete briefing.  As we waited in the hot sun, we passed it off as “acclimating to the heat” and saw our IronFamily man Keith there.  Because it was so hot and Brian just landed, we had him take the kids so they didn’t have to be bored out of their minds.  After waiting a half hour or so after the scheduled start for briefing (again, island time) we got into the cool AC building, sat up front, and had a truly enjoyable time meeting our two emcees and announcers for the race. They made a lot of jokes which made for a lighter mood and helped us all feel special for what we were about to embark upon.

SATURDAY (the day before the race!)

I was thankful I spent the 10 hours packing my essentials in advance and took meticulous notes of the contents within (see picture below) because when we picked up our race packets, I essentially just had to place my Ziplock bags into their respective bike, run and special needs bags.   Joe and I got up early to ride our bikes to and from the official swim practice site.   Our bikes were tuned up before the race by Velofix but of course the derailleur was jostled during the flight so my bike had difficulty getting into my middle gears of my big chain.  So I knew after our swim practice I’d need to get in touch with bike tech at the resort. I was excited for the swim and wanted to be able to feel the current that would carry us toward the finish. Unfortunately, my new goggles that I had only swam in 5 times decided to leak during my practice swim.  And there wasn’t a kayak or lily pad for me to rest on to fix them.  These are the moments you need to know how to handle during the choppy start of a swim start anyway.  I pulled off to the side, flutter kicked vertically and tried to adjust my goggles. Still no dice.  After doing a lap with my left goggle trickling in sea water, I decided to get out and reset.  I did a second quick circle swim and things seemed to be ok.  I never got to catch the current and was a bit unnerved that my swim practice wasn’t as great as I expected.  But I got the experience of dealing with unfortunate circumstances and kept my cool.  And it’s an understated important skill not to over exert yourself during a stressful start of a swim before a long race day.

After getting back to the resort, I was thankful to have an onsite mechanic help with my bike and I was relieved to not have to worry about it as again, team Kilgore usually has issues on race day with their bikes.  We still had to transport our bikes and based on our bib number, we were the final group of the day (3:30-5p).  So in the meantime we headed into town to shop at some local stores and shop for souvenirs.  When we got back to the resort, the family headed to the beach while Joe and I lugged our bikes to drop off at bike check-in.   We were the only ones on the bus that picked us up at the resort.  We had time to rack the bikes, get a lay of the swim out portion of the race, our changing tents, and familiarize ourselves with our rack location and bike out.  Joe and I both lucked out that our bikes were racked in the same group; mine was at the front of the rack coming out of the changing tent – Joe’s was at the very end of the rack.  We had a long way to bike out but it didn’t matter – we would just walk our bikes and calm our heart rates to prepare for the long ride ahead of us tomorrow.  

There was a bit of an issue getting the free bus ride back from mandatory bike check in. We waited 30 minutes before even being told there were no more shuttles running to the resorts.   Apparently the bus we rode in on was the last one running but none of the other 10 people waiting with us was told that information.  We met a guy from Cincinnati who graduated from Indian Hill High School- he was there with his wife and they were also doing their first IM race. Also saw Lilian there whom we met at DFW from California doing her 3rd IM.  So after a few of us argued a bit with the IM volunteers about the free shuttle service fiasco, the group won out and we were able to get a bus to take us back to the resort.  It was a minor blip I thought but to be stranded several miles away with no money to go back was a bit unnerving.  Definitely not something I wanted a day before the race.

When we finally returned, we headed out to the beach so I could test out my backup pair of goggles in the ocean.  After doing a few laps in front of the resort and snorkeling with the family, we got showered and met up with my friend Gloria for dinner.  

Side note: you never know what random acquaintance you have from your past may mean to you many years later.  In 1998 I went on a study abroad trip to Merida, Mexico and met up with Gloria Martinez. She was a dance instructor and as part of my cultural studies for 3 months, I learned traditional dances (baile folklorico) and became close friends with her.  We stayed in contact, sent each other many letters and mixed tapes, and here we were face to face again after 21 years.  It was just amazing.  And she would be a MAJOR help and inspiration halfway through the run. I needed her more than I knew. But I’m getting ahead of myself again…..

During dinner Gloria met my family and I got to practice my Spanish while she practiced her English. She gave me a present, a local liquor Xtabentun from the Mayans.  I had remembered having this while in Mexico before and it has a unique taste – liquorish and honey.  In looking at the bottle we have now at home, apparently Joe really likes it – it’s almost gone!  I had my traditional meal before any race, pizza, but wasn’t super hungry.  I realized around 9p I needed to get ready to bed and try to sleep.  It’s common not to sleep too well before a race.  I think I got a solid 5 hours in.  

Race morning

I woke up at 4:20a, 5 minutes before my alarm.  I was ready. Graduation day was here! We asked the front desk the night before when the shuttles would start running; he said 5:30a.  I thought that was late knowing our first transition (T1) opened at 5:15a. Not only that, we had to get to T1 to drop off our special needs bags, set up our shoes and attach our helmets to the bike and check tires for air. And after that had to catch a bus 2.4 miles upward to the swim start.   But again, I trusted the information given.  So after waking and getting dressed and having breakfast, we get to the bus line early only to find out that there’s a big group there already and the race organizers reduced the busses at our resort from 3 to 2.  And the last bus that was coming was the one headed our way – and we were all hoping we’d get on.  Some people were angry and hailed cabs. Others just waited (like us) and hoped to get on.  It was a full bus but we were able to get on and upon arrival we frantically tossed our special needs bags to volunteers, got our bikes set up with nutrition and water bottles situated.  We didn’t top off our tires; we didn’t have time.  We just hoped and prayed they’d be ok.  We walked hurriedly back to the entrance and waited in a ginormous line to catch the busses to take us to swim start.  Met up with Julie from FTC somehow in all the chaos. Again, another issue as we got toward the front, the busses behind us were opening their doors to people waiting behind us so that by the time the busses rolled up, they were full.  Participants were angry and the race volunteers were quick to act.  We squeezed into a bus already full and took a seat at the very back.  I just took deep breaths.  Again, logistics are not fun for me and is super stressful when things get out of whack. Minor inconveniences really but seriously nerve-racking before a long day’s event. I ate another sandwich while taking the bus to the swim start.  Things were going to be ok.  It was then that I realized I had left my UCan back at the hotel.  So I was a few hundred calories under what I had hoped but I also packed a backup sandwich and gel in T1.  And I had been drinking extra water with electrolytes that morning.  I told myself it was going to be ok.

Swim start

Once through the porta pottie line (after realizing they had one for males and females!), Julie and I got on our swim skins, put on Glide and eco-friendly sunscreen (to protect the coral) and tossed our final bag of the day, our morning clothes bag, to the volunteers and headed to our swim start corral.  This being a self-seeded start, Joe and I had strategically decided to put ourselves in the 1:20-1:30 grouping. Julie went ahead as she’s a faster swimmer; we wished her luck! Next time I saw her was on the run – more on that later.

I knew I could swim the 2.4 mile distance in one hour and 30 minutes but also knew the current would be helpful.  We heard the gun go off for the pros and started snaking around our corral toward the front of the pier.  There were drones flying overhead.  We waved. We caught up with the guy from Cincinnati and his wife.  We congratulated them.  Loud music pumping and blaring songs like, “We Will Rock You” by Queen and “Eye of the Tiger.” The pier started to become visible.  I saw people tossing small bean bag sized pouches filled with water.  People were drinking water and putting water on their heads to cool down.  It was 7:40a ish and already warm.  Temps were expected to be a real feel of 90 degrees with little cloud cover.

We were a huddled group of people and the sun was blazing.  I caught sight of the ocean.  It was wavy. Choppy.  NOT like anything we had seen the previous days while on the island. This was going to be fun.  I kept calm.  We were in line with a lady who knew this was our first and saw our watches and told us they only last 14ish hours.  Lovely.  Again, nothing I can do.  I kept fidgeting with my goggles- putting them on and off.  Joe told me to keep them off because they would fog up otherwise. And that’s when I realized I forgot to wipe my goggles with the anti-fog cloth.  Before I knew it, our group was “walking the plank” to the end of the dock.  I placed my goggles on and just like that, I was in the water.  I hit the bottom upon jumping in, not realizing it was shallow, so I bounced up and after 8 seconds, realized I had already pressed start on my watch.  “It’s go time,” I thought.

The swim with all the people and all the waves could have been worse.  I was thankful the swim out to the first of two turns was short.  I saw a ton of marine life.  There was a sign underwater – I couldn’t stop to read it but later learned it said “If you can think it, you can achieve it.”  There were tons of scuba divers watching from the ocean floor. I would have loved to see what that swim looked like from above.  I never got kicked or punched like others on the swim.  I had people swim up on me but they swam around.  I did the same when I came up on others.  I kept with a pack.  I rarely sighted- when I did, there was a huge wave in my face.  I think I only took in one gulp of sea water. At one point I started smiling because I thought my husband was next to me.  It took me a while before I noticed it wasn’t him.   I swam with a pack of people and kept my pace consistent.  I noticed a buoy on my right and thought they were to be on the left so I cut across and in doing so, I caught a nice current.  But after a while I lost people. I saw a kayak.  I was off on my own and in looking the rest of the group was on the left.  So I swam fast to get back with the group.  I couldn’t see ahead with the waves but didn’t want to be so far out on the right, despite the awesome current, to not know where I was.  I kept up with the pack and found some people to draft off of.  I caught sight of a yellow buoy.  It didn’t make sense as most of them were orange other than to distinguish that being the half-way point maybe? I never checked my time or distance on the watch while swimming – I just kept swimming.  My goggles were pretty fogged up by this point.  I got off track again toward the back half of the swim and instead of making a tight turn at the red and final buoy, I instead made a long wide turn to the finish. It’s ok.  I was finishing up and was able to climb the steps up and stop the watch.  HOLY SHIT! I just had a PR swim: 1:23:51.

I took my coach’s advice coming out of the swim, no running – just walk to the changing tent to calm the heart rate down.  I stood for about 15 seconds under a shower to rinse off before going into the women’s changing tent.  My goal was to be in and out of the transition tent in 10 minutes.  I had played and replayed in my head the things to do while in T1.  I ended up doing a full change out from my tri suit and swim skin to bra, bike shorts and a bike top. I had a shower pill towel and a sturdy hand towel to help wipe away any remaining salt.  Salt = chafe and I took a squirt bottle (tip courtesy of Jessica Marchi) full of water and sprayed between cracks and bits.  Once done, I lightly toweled off an put on my bike shorts with Hoo Ha Ride Glide.  I got volunteers to put sunscreen on my body.  Slipped on my HR monitor.  Ate my backup sandwich and drank my water. I just burned about 600 calories on the swim and needed to top off before setting off to ride.  I put on my socks and headed out to my bike.  Got my helmet, clipped it on, got my shoes on and walked the long walk to bike out.  I checked Joe’s bike rack; his bike was still there.  I got nervous.  He’s a better swimmer; assumed he got caught up in the changing tent.  I figured he’d be right behind me in no time on the bike.  Total transition time: 17:02

At the mount line, I was keeping heart rate calm and take it easy.  Even a veteran said everyone goes out fast on the first loop. I had written in permanent market on my leg my metrics for the race: 130-140 power, 78-82 cadence, 135 heart rate. I rode out and set off for a comfortable ride.

The Bike

What I was told to do by my coach was to stop every 20 miles and to pee at mile 40 and 80.  There were approximately 5 rest stops around the island for the 38ish mile loop.  For some strange reason, on my first loop, I decided to hit every single stop and pee at mile 20.  I don’t know why I did this but I realized my error after the first lap when I saw Joe. It didn’t make sense that I was coming up on him around mile 46 when his bike was on the rack when I biked out.  It took a nanosecond for me to realize my error. In hindsight, that extra 2 minutes per stop was ok; I wanted to take it easy.  My HR was averaging 154 and wasn’t budging despite the easy effort.  I attributed it to the heat. I also noticed on the first loop my power didn’t seem to be accurate.  The day before I noticed this as well and texted the coach; asked if that happened what metric to follow – cadence or HR.  Because the course is flat, he suggested both.  I kept true to my cadence and only pushed it when I had to make a legal pass or had to back off when someone overtook me.  Second loop was faster, I know I pushed it but I felt ok.  I ended up grabbing water every 20 miles to top off my bottles and spray myself down (my cooling sleeves, my core, my head).  I saw my brother and kids on the second loop of the bike course; got a shout out from someone there who saw my Hotter than Hell jersey and said, “GO TEXAS!”  The back half of the island was beautiful.  The extra elevation gain was there along with the wind.  Thankful I didn’t have to deal with a lot of wind that day and I knew how to climb hills now so I didn’t let the back half deter me. I got to my special needs bag around mile 60 and reset my fuel. Checked my tires, they were ok so I rode on without the extra canisters or tubes placed within.

The final lap is soul sucking.  You know what to expect which is a blessing and a curse.  The ride through the city was uplifting; you just have to mentally will yourself to the next aide station and hope for some crazy fans out there to support you.  Saw my brother and kids again; got the boost I needed but then had the east side of the island with the hill and unrelenting sun.  I wanted to take in the scenery, the ocean was beautiful and the blue sea mixed with the blue sky only interrupted by the white ocean spray that crested and crashed into the rocky coast.  I noticed the pack was thinning; there was a collective miserable feeling around everyone.  I passed someone and he said, “you’re looking strong.” I muttered something back – I don’t know if it was comprehensible.  I knew I was coming up on mile 90 and after mile 100 every mile after that would be a distance PR.  It was also about this time that I noticed I was getting tired of eating my gels.  No worries I told myself- I had packed a glorious PB&J sandwich in my T2 bag.  I’d have real food soon. And there’d be more on the run course.  I stopped at a final aide station around mile 100 to get more ice and water and sprayed myself down.  The first table there had ran out of water bottles so I had to get off the bike and wait for them to get more water to pour into my bottles.  The bike course was pretty sparse by then and things picked over. By the time I hit the bike in, I honestly don’t remember anything.  I know I was able to get off the bike OK (surprising in and of itself), grab a bottle off my bike and my coach’s bike computer before handing over my bike to a volunteer. Total bike time: 6:49:04.

In the T2 changing tent, I looked around.  It looked desolate.  I checked the time – I seemed to be doing ok.  I asked a volunteer what the local time was.  It was early evening – about 4p.  I had plenty of time.  Did another full change out from bike clothes to run clothes.  Chuckled to myself that I was feeling like Beyonce with all of her change of clothes. I was salt crusted and legs were dirty.  Took 2 shower pills to clean off.  I wanted to clean off to feel better.  I wiped my face.  I put on my hat, my running shoes, my running belt and grabbed my sandwich and headed out to start the final 26.2 miles of this race.  Total time in T2: 19:34.

The Run

I got up and my feet HURT. My arches were super sore.  I walked out of the tent and tried to calm my HR down.  I felt dizzy. I grabbed water from a volunteer but didn’t feel any better.  My watch chimed 30 seconds into the run.  What the hell? I had thought I programmed it for a 90 second run and 30 second walk. NOPE. Forgot the last run I had was programmed from my 30 second sprint track workout and 3 minute walk.  I attempted to change the intervals but my watch said I couldn’t change while an event was in progress. GRRR.  I know what I had to do – this happened at my Houston Marathon where I didn’t have my watch intervals set correctly and had to do it manually – watching the time. It was going to be a long fucking run. While I had PRd my run in Houston that day, this was not going to happen today.  It would however keep my mind “busy” and distracted from the feeling I was having while running.  Funny because all day I was looking forward to the run and now I was trying to figure out how I was going to continue.  Anyone that knows me knows that math isn’t my sweet spot. So my 90:30 run walk intervals weren’t always accurate.  I gave myself grace. Didn’t matter.  Go by feel. Get some food in you.  I tried but my stomach started to heave.  I made it 2 miles by this point and needed food ASAP. I recalled that if I couldn’t eat, to at least chew food and spit it out.  Even taking food into my mouth made me gag.  And my water bottle filled with electrolytes were equally painful to digest. I got dizzy again and tripped and almost fell but by the grace of God caught myself from falling flat on my face. Negative thoughts started creeping in. It was only 2 miles into a 26.2 mile run and I couldn’t eat or drink and was dizzy.  I started looking for a medical tent.  I never saw one.  Honestly – the one time I did see a medic was the last 2-3 miles of my run and by that point, I wasn’t stopping!  In looking around, I saw FTC teammate Julie on her run.  She was running fast; I was walking.  I said hi and she gave me a look that said, “this is miserable.”  She was ahead of me and looked strong. Little did I know she crashed on the bike and was bleeding from her knee. She’s a total badass.  Was that her first loop? Second? Third? Everyone looked fresh and running fast.  I just kept looking at my watch, doing fuzzy math, putting one foot in front of the other.

Along the way, someone asked me if this was a 3 looped course.  I said yes. Knowing that, I was near the turnaround by then and felt better for a bit.  Around mile 6 or so, a supporter saw me and I guess I looked like death warmed over. He approached me as I walked and said, “Drink the flat Pepsi.  Trust me runner. Drink it.  And chase it with a lot of water.  It will do miracles for you!  I know this to be true!”  I looked at him and said I can’t keep anything down.  I was nervous if I drank it I would get sick.  I didn’t want to get sick and get stuck in a medical tent. I just wanted to be done.  But I ran off, got to the next table and took the Dixie cup of flat Pepsi and a small water pouch to chase it.  It worked. I felt better.  The sugar helped.  I tried to eat- still nothing.  Small bits of food here and there that I chewed and spat out.  After the first loop, I felt a bit better.  

I saw Gloria on the run while downtown.  The crowd was festive.  There were still plenty of people on the run.  I would be ok.  After the cheers of the crowd and the noise subsided, I started working on a game plan. That’s when my Garmin gave me a low battery warning.  Shit. Shit shit shit. OK.  New plan – focus on food.  I saw a table with oranges and bananas and pretzels.  I had an orange and it was glorious.  Yes. FOOD! Then I got to the banana. Nope. Couldn’t stomach it.  I nibbled, chewed and spat a half a banana out.  More flat Pepsi and water.  Would grab the pretzels on the way back.  Realized I had to focus on my run/walk intervals if my watch died before I finished the race.  I counted my steps for the run.  336 steps for 90 seconds of running; 26 steps for 30 seconds of rest.  I did this several times before I realized running for 90 seconds was too much.  My body was too weak.  It was getting late and the sun setting. I approached the turn around and looked feverishly for the special needs tent for my bag at mile 13.  I had more food in there but didn’t take it. I grabbed my head lamp but in hindsight I didn’t need it.  I grabbed my light jacket thinking I would get cold as the night settled in, especially with the wind near the sea wall going back into town.  I wrapped the jacket around me and kept running.  Then my watch died around mile 14.  Not that I was disappointed that I didn’t save my watch during the bike, but that I was running blind.  No way to tell if my pace was going super slow or not.  

I saw Joe twice on the run; both times it was when I was going the opposite direction back into town to complete my loops.  He yelled to me, “You’ll finish – you have plenty of time. You’ll get yours.” I wanted to yell back- maybe I did? I can’t recall.  I was in a dark place.  You’d think going into town you’d pick up the excitement.  Mine was the reverse.  I hit my lowest point around miles 17-19.  It was at this time that Gloria saw me coming into town and ran with me. She told me I was doing good. That she was proud of me.  That I have 2.5 hours to finish one more lap. She was willing to get me anything I needed, do anything for me. I knew it was against IM rules to have someone run and walk beside you but I could not tell her no.  Selfishly I needed her.  She was my angel and my saving grace those miles.  As we approached downtown, I told Gloria that she would not be allowed to run with me or be next to me.  Shortly thereafter an IM official came up and told Gloria she needed to let me be.  Gloria asked why and she was told the rule and after giving a very mad face to the volunteer, Gloria wished me well.  

Being as tired and as dizzy as I was, I just wanted to quit.  I felt horrible.  I was right in town so if I wanted to quit, I could just walk up to my family and say, “I tried.”  At one point I humored myself that I couldn’t quit because I had already bought things that said I was an Ironman at IM Village a few days before.  That got me ahead mentally for a half mile or so. But I also just needed to be done. The run was more mental than anything. I had to give myself something to look forward to.  Mile 20. That was the new goal.  I could get to mile 20 and feel fine, I told myself. More oranges and bananas.  I forced a banana down around that time, thinking I could vomit 6 miles and still finish. Still hard to drink my electrolytes so water, water, more water and flat Pepsi when I could stomach it. Spoke briefly to a guy who asked what lap I was on. I said my third.  He was on his as well.  I told him I was just looking for the damned turn around.  He said he was as well.  He looked strong and I told him so and wished him well.  

There was a group of us that kinda stayed together.  We were running and walking around the same pace.  We didn’t talk to each other but it was good to know I wasn’t alone out there hurting.  I could tell my pace slowed.  I didn’t have a damn watch to tell but I knew I couldn’t keep up my pace from before so I ran from cone to cone.  Walked the next set of cones.  Repeat. When the turnaround came, I knew if I got to a 5k I’d be fine.  And I sort of was ok until mile 24.  

Seriously those last two miles were insanely hard.  I strained to hear the roar of the crowd downtown which sounded a lot quieter. Even the loud band that played continuously for hours seemed to have relocated and moved closer to the finish. I needed something to get me by. I saw kind people on the street giving encouragement, “You’re so close!” “Don’t walk, run!” “You’re going to be an Ironman!” “Go, go, go!” That’s when I looked over and saw a medic on her phone. She wasn’t with anyone – just keeping herself busy.  Where the F was she all day? Too late now to stop.  Mile 25.  Was I now going uphill? How long was this corridor?  The band sounded like it was closer now and I could hear a guy on a loudspeaker now.  “…..(inaudible name) ... You Are An IRONMAN!”

My thought process went something like this that last 1.2 miles: drink water. Dump all the food you have stuffed in your tri top bra. Fix your hair.  Make it look like you didn’t just suffer for god knows however long you’ve been out here. And run like hell when you near the finish chute. I walked a good portion of that last mile just willing my brain to adjust to the new game plan.  I inadvertently dropped my water, my lifeline. Damnit! I didn’t want to run with trash in my hand so I jumped a curb and threw it into a trash can and hopped down back onto the course.  Ok.  Jacket is around my waist and I don’t want it.  I’m hot. I can’t toss it.  Damnit – just hold it.  I see a lady on my right who says, “You’ve got this! It’s just around the corner!” and that’s when I started to run.  I mean, run like I meant it.  I saw the red carpet and the lights.  It was a party scene and I was ready to …… sit the fuck down.  But first, that finish line.  That glorious finish line.  I looked up – did that time say 15 hours and something? I thought I was closer to 16 by my walking pace those last few miles.  That gave me a bit of a pep in my step.  I put my hand over my mouth – I started to tear up and then I heard, “That’s my sister!” and saw my brother Brian, Gloria, Kaia and my son Kyler with his hand stretched out to high five me.  It was a brief second but that moment of seeing their faces and getting that final power boost from my son got me across that finish line.  

I heard before I even crossed the finish, “Bethany Kilgore from McKinney, Texas – You are an Ironman!” and then I saw the ramp.  A ramp! I had to go up and down that thing and not fall flat on my ass.  I was depleted of food, water, electrolytes, and was high on adrenaline so by the time I crossed I walked gingerly across the threshold where some kind man grabbed my arm and guided me through the finisher chute.  Total run time: 6:13:01.  Total time at finish: 15:02:31.

Through the chute, my kind guide asked me, “Do you want water? Gatorade?” I said no.  He said, “I bet you’ll never want another Gatorade for a few months.” I smiled.  Then he told me I was going to receive my medal.  Medal placed around my head; a few congrats.  Ok.  More walking. Then he said someone had to get my timing chip.  Great. Next he asked if I wanted food. NOOOOO.  No food.  Ok, so he walked me to get my finisher shirt.  I stood in a daze as someone handed me my finisher shirt.  I looked around and noticed the line to get my finisher photo. Ugh.  I didn’t have the energy to wait.  Everyone looked so full of life.  I wanted to sit.  A nice lady helped me with my things, she fixed my visor which I always wear so low and held all of my sweaty things as I gave a few pained smiles.  I saw the rendezvous spot to meet my family.  I heard my name and got some hugs.  I was super thankful to be done but fell like crap.  I thought fresh clothes and sitting would make me feel better. After getting my clothes and changing (which took eternity with tons of foot cramps), I stood up and met my family on a bench.  I couldn’t talk without fear of getting sick.  I was still dizzy so I wanted to lay down.  As soon as I tried to lay down I started dry heaving. Nothing would come but saliva. I knew I was in a bad way so my friend Gloria sought a medic while my brother and kids waited for Joe to finish.  I got into a wheel chair and was admitted.  It looked like a war zone.  People messed up far worse than me.  People with EKGs on their chest.  Others getting massages from their cramped legs.  The guy next to me screaming from his leg cramp getting worked out.  I had a nurse come around asking if I was allergic to anything – “just penicillin” I said.  She thought it was odd that the three people in bed next to each other were all allergic to penicillin.  A nice doctor came over and said I was going to get an IV.  A nurse came over and stuck my left arm. Nothing.  Stuck my right arm and moved the needle around.  Nothing.  Had to call over someone else to get to my vein and finally got it in on top of my right hand.  I was hot and didn’t want a blanket.  I was in my sports bra and shorts that I had changed into along with my Oofos.  It took a while to get the fluids in even halfway through and by then I started to get cold.  I got an awesome space blanket and neck massage.  I strained to hear my husband’s name called but it was busy and loud in the tent.  I asked if the medic tent was busy now and the nurse said no, but that it was busy earlier – not enough beds to triage people to get in and get assistance. I got word that Joe crossed and was ok.  I was upset that I couldn’t see him cross the finish line but was thankful I felt better at that point.  I lulled off to sleep.

The kind doctor that attended to me let me know the medical tent was closing.  My fluids weren’t all the way done but I was feeling better.  I was thankful to see my family and Gloria waiting outside of the tent.  I felt a LOT better.  I was eager to shower and go home and sleep.  I said my thanks and goodbyes to Gloria and we got a cab.  Back at the resort, I told my brother to see if he could get something salty like fries and chips from the late night snack bar.  He came back with fries and nachos.  I couldn’t eat much but what I did tasted like food for the gods.  Brian let Joe and I go to rest; I miraculously had enough energy to take a shower and rinse out all of our bike bottles before laying my head on the pillow. I looked over at the time.  3:25a. Exactly 23 hours of activity that day.  

Was it worth it? Yes. It tested everything I had.  I learned that Joe crossed about an hour after me with little to no training.  And he didn’t need a medical tent.  But he ran his race; I ran mine.  We did what we each had to do and both became Ironmen that day.  It’s been 5 days; I’m hard pressed to want to do this again whereas Joe is eager to go back next year.  I’ll happily be his Sherpa!

What I’ve learned throughout this experience is that while this is a challenge of three sports for one person to complete, it’s a necessity to have a village of people that help you get to that finish line.  

For everyone that has helped me with any of my training swim, bikes or runs

For the friends that have put up with my insane training schedule and understood that my absence from any social life was temporary (and forgave me when I unintentionally fell asleep at social gatherings when I did go out)

For my daughter who gave me grace when I missed more than half of her soccer games this fall and passed out around 7:30p on the couch during cuddle time

For my son who was patient in getting the adequate drive time in to help him earn his drivers license

Collectively for my kids who allowed their parents to do a race smack dab in the middle of our family vacation

For my coaches who put up with my incessant questions

For my brother’s family for their understanding while they were in the midst of moving into a new home and for my nephew for allowing me to take his dad away on his birthday.  I needed my brother’s help post-race and to have fun with the kids while their parents were out doing a silly race

For my dear friend of 20 years Gloria who trekked across the Yucatan Peninsula and took a ferry to Cozumel to cheer me on for 15+ hours

And for my husband who made all the dinners, made all of the post-long weekend workout meals, and kept my insanity in check….

I thank you all. 

(Above: my new favorite Christmas ornament next to some of my favorite ornaments: my kids, an old Santa - my grandfather’s who died of cancer, my best friend Lisa and I, and a Mexican sombrero ornament from 1997)

Above: The Kilgore’s enjoying a relaxing day visiting San Gervasio ruins on Cozumel island.... post-race

[umichenginabroad]

Departure

I’m heading home today. It’s been 154 days since my arrival, which is absolutely crazy to think about, but looking back, it has been quite some time. I’ve seen and experienced more than I ever could have imagined in those five months, and I believe that I achieved what I came here to do. When I left, my goal was to speak a little French and to learn about the world, and I think I managed to do a bit of both. So as a final update, I’d like to share a few of my biggest takeaways:

The US is present everywhere and all the time.

Unexpected Michigan encounter in Lille

It’s an unavoidable fact – neither inherently good nor bad – that the US has a huge influence on the rest of the world. I took four classes this semester and the US was constantly discussed in two of them (Geopolitics and Businesses and organizations in a European context). Economically, politically, culturally, we are present. Not only that, but everyone is aware of it and up-to-date. I couldn’t tell you how many conversations I had about the current state of politics or how certain things work (or don’t), but each one had a common factor: an international awareness and desire to know more about the US. That brings me to my next point.

People outside of the US – students in particular – seem more culturally aware.

Note the wall of cups that was built between Mexico and the US.

This is not to say that Americans are all ignorant. I know that’s not true. However, from my encounters and experiences with people, there is a difference between students here and students back home. I don’t think I met a student who didn’t speak at least two languages at a very high level. People like to say that the French can’t speak English, but I know for a fact that their English is generally better than the French or Spanish spoken by a lot of Americans. They know music from different countries. They know pop culture from all over. Sometimes, I even found that they knew things about the US that I couldn’t say for certain. It’s impressive, and it’s something I think that we ought to think about in the US.

Perhaps the biggest cultural difference is how time is valued.

Now they can enjoy s’mores while relaxing.

At the University of Michigan, we have “Michigan Time”. Classes (and pretty much everything else) start ten minutes past the hour. It’s useful for getting to class, and it’s nice when you realize that you aren’t going to make it to that meeting that starts in 5 minutes. Here, I found that there’s no defined amount of time, but things also tend to start a bit after they are scheduled to do so. However, the difference is most apparent in the scheduled downtime. Lunch is a two-hour affair. Grocery stores close at 8 PM. Everything is closed on Sunday. There’s a stark contrast between that way of life in France and how we operate in the US. We’re always on the go. Our stores close late (or never), and restaurants are non-stop. With Michigan Time as an exception, we generally value punctuality. If something is supposed to start at 8, we expect that it will do so around that time, not an hour later. It’s not necessarily that exaggerated in France, but certain groups of people tend to take their time more than others.

Despite our differences, we truly are all similar.

Blue Steel (photo courtesy of Cesare Veresani)

We may show up at different times, like different foods, and speak different languages, but in the end, we’re all human. One of the reasons it was easy to make friends with all the different students is because everyone enjoys camaraderie and community. The degree certainly varies from person to person, but it’s always there. Being accepted and recognized as a friend is the best feeling. It’s why we miss people back home and why saying goodbye to our new friends is difficult. Five months ago, we didn’t know each other at all, but since then, we’ve bonded over a once-in-a-lifetime experience. These people have become family. That’s why we promise to visit and to see each other again, just like you would to your family that lives across town. Except, these people live thousands of miles away, all around the world. It won’t be easy, but with any luck, there will be a reunion someday.

In Grenoble, I met a lovely German named Lisa, and she summed it up perfectly. She told me:

“Man sieht sich immer zweimal im Leben.”

You always meet twice in life. I can only hope so.

Before signing off, I want to thank everyone. To the Stamps family and Foundation and to all the other Michigan donors, thank you for making this trip possible for me. I know for a fact that I would never have had this opportunity without you. To the people at UTT and Michigan (especially in the International Office and IPE), thank you for taking care of me and for arranging this wonderful program. To my family and friends back home, thank you for following along with my adventures and for supporting me. And finally, to all the people I met, thank you for everything. Thank you for the laughs, for the crazy nights, for the meaningful conversations and advice, and most importantly, for the memories. You all mean so much to me, so thank you.

A la prochaine,

Cole Schneider

Materials Science and Engineering

Université de Technologie de Troyes

[travel-log-com]

EUROP 2017-- part 1 :usettling departure

 Before starting, know that even though this log has my feelings and story, you can easily find my recomendations by looking for the sentences in bold. on the next parts, i’ll atach photos from the citys i went to.

january first 2017, Buenos Aires Argentina. Since booking the flight my parents knew we wouldn’t stay long at my granparents after midnight since we needed to leave the house at 10a.m.for the airport whitch ment waking up at 7a.m for my parents and even though when delivered the news it sadden me, when the time came i wanted nothing but to leave; summers in Buenos Aires are torture if you don’t have an A.C. or leave on the coast where the ocean makes the nights cold and windy, but in the city the humidity reaches levels over 80% and at 10p.m. the temperture was 30°C and there wasn’t even a single ventilator. most of the time i found myself locked up in my granparents bedroom with the only A.C. inside the house at 23° and watching TV. the only thing that kept me sain during those disgustingly sweaty moments was the thought of being in the bone eating eurpean winter i so muched loved and dreamed of constantly.

Anyway, back to the travelling part. i am fortunate to say i’ve travelled many times now, most by car when going somwhere near, but i also think i have taken plenty of planes since i have family leaving abrod. what i have learnes is to have everything ready the day before. doasn’t  matter at what time your plane leavs. that will give you plenty of time to wake up, get dressed, enjoy breakfast and then take a few calm minutes to think if you are forgetting anything and if there is anything in your backpack you can’t take on the plane with you and should go in the suitcase. This moment is crucial, plenty of times my family and i have checked in, let go of or suitcase to the realise we have a pair of sicorss or a perfume bottle too big to take on board (maximum capaciti is 90ml on board).

After that i went downstairs where all my 4 grandparents where waiting to take us to the airport since all the suitcases didn’t fit in 1 car. before leaving 3hs before our flight i used the bathroom; it’s one of those things your parents always insist on whitch is actually usefull, go before leaving home and before boarding the plane/ train/ bus/ car/ boat/etc. 

What i remember most about this trip, and i urge you to remember it too, is the crippling sensation of “something it’s not right” and “whay the fuck am i not happy of going to europ”. i know im paranoid, is the reason i don’t want to learn how to drive, but as strange as it may sound, i know when something bad will happen and my luck has proven that. Anyway, you’ll learn more about that later

Now, arriving at the airport 3hs before your flight may seem too much, and sometimes it is, but i honestley extremley rocomend it specially for international flights due to any incident that may occur during customs, check in; sometimes even the size of the aireport may delay you. We had no problems in the check in, we packed off our 4 suitcases and went through migrations and customs with no inconvinients. My dad bought a wine in the free shop for my cusin and aunt in Madrid because believe me there’s no wine better than the argentinian. If you like wine i urge you to go to Mendoza whitch is a province in the west of Argentina right next to chile, famous for its incredible vineyards. once we past everything we looked for our gate, always do that before doing anything else and check you flight is still in that gate and if it’s on schechule. 

we grabed a bite in a restaurant nearby and i tried to relax and not think of all the bad things that could happen. i specially couldn’t take off my mind the feeling that someone was going to rob our house while we were away. My uncle would go everyday for the first to weeks to feed my dog and water the plants and the third week the woman that cleaned my house came back from b vacation. the problem was that 5 days earlier, on december 26, my friends came home and as they left one of them yelled from the front gate “when are you leaving for europ!” and i answered “sunday!”; imidiatley realised my mistake, i couldn’t stop shaking after and a wave of hatred came over me. 

How stupid was she!? How naive!? I swear to god i wanted to punch the idiocy out of her. it didn’t help that my grandparents practicly threw a parade when taking our lougage to their cars, i swear t god people have no clue anymore, and with every word they yelled at eachother from their cars my heart beated a little bit faster and my head weighted a little bit more. 

Anyway, i look around the free shop a bit more, i specially love the candy and the MAC cosmetics stand, but i soon got bored and talked to a firend while waiting to board.

Once on the plane everything was fine, i love planes even though so many tragedies latley have made me a bit uneasy, but i actually love it. i always fly tourist, and even though i dream of once flying in first class for an extremley long flight, i still love watching TV whill munching on a plate of reheated pasta and the strangest chocolate mousse.  Sleeping was hard, i hate sleeping in chairs and the steats never recline enough. But it didn’t matter, i watched that new Tim Burton movie while munching on some snacks and because of that everything was OK. We flew with Iberia whitch i realy recomend, my grand parents had some bad experinces but we got a brand new plane, the attention was great and the we arrived even before schechule. 

The quite plane, the darkness outside the window, and chocolate chip cookies; all was well.

Hope you enjoy my first travel log, part 2 next week. any questions you have or experiences are welcome.

[5hfanfiction]

coming out (5/?) ⇾ camren

a/n: things aren’t gonna make sense for a quick second because im doing a time jump in light of the recent events with fifth harmony. this is after the break up. keep this in mind as you read. enjoy, ily xxx.

also, i know i said i’d stop writing camren fan fiction but just because camila has left doesn’t mean i should stop. its what i love to do. in all honesty, i am completely aware of the fact that laucy may be much realer than camren ever was and i respect that relationship and am so glad lucy is making lauren as happy as she seems lately but camren will always be apart of me and i’ll keep writing about it.

to my fellow camren shippers, i know living in your own fantasy may seem nice but please respect the fact that there is an extremely strong possibility that lauren and lucy are dating. it may not be camila but understand that lucy makes lauren happy and at the end of the day, that’s what all of us harmonizers should strive for; our girls and their happiness. who we want them to be with isn’t always who they are meant to be with.

as much as we hate to admit it, they are grown adults who are perfectly capable of making their own choices and know themselves way more than we know them so please in simple respect, stop with the conspiracy theories and just be glad and grateful that our girl has someone special in her life.

when she’s sad, angry, or simply needs a hug and reassurance, keep in mind that lucy may be that person constantly there for her and not camila. camren may have felt/feel real to us but our imagination differs from actual reality. again, keep that in mind when you choose to go to lucy’s page to comment hate towards her. if she’s making lauren smile and feel confident within herself, then she’s doing her fucking job and you are nobody to come in between that.

with that being said, enjoy this chapter and stop being heartless assholes.

Lauren|

A dry chuckle fell from her lips. Her green eyes turning stone cold, she ripped her hand out of her former bandmate’s hold. “You don’t even get it!” She shouted. Her body shook with anger and sadness as she started to walk away before being pulled back by the brunette.

“Then let me in Lauren,” sadness swam in the brown orbs as they pleaded with green ones. “You never let me in anymore. Please let me in…” she whispered.

Backing away from the girl, Lauren shook her head. “Camz…”

“Please,” she whispered.

*24 Hours Earlier*

She loved the beach. It was her safe place… where she went to when the world failed her. The sand comforted her, the waters spoke to her, and the wind, oh the wind was like her best friend. The beach was where she came to when she needed to get away. When she needed to escape the hell they called life.

Pulling her feet up on the bench and bringing her knees up to her chest, she looked out into the distance. All she wanted was to be happy. But it was almost as if happiness was afraid of her.

Her eyes clouded with tears as she thought over the last couple months. Things were so good… her life was literally perfect. She had her dream girl, she had just come out and Fifth Harmony was skyrocketing. Why’d she have to ruin it?

Her heart ached as she thought back to the final spilt that happened that morning. Their label had promised the fans exciting news only for everyone to receive the most dreadful. Dinah found it hard to stay in the group after Camila’s departure. Especially after winning their People’s Choice Award and Camila not being able to come up with them. As Dinah announced her leave, Normani couldn’t find it within her to stay when her heart and soul had just left. The second oldest decided to leave alongside Dinah, pretty much destroying any means of continuing their previously undying but now dying success.

Lately she’s been going over the last four years, wondering if it was even worth it to begin with. Was it worth missing out on being a normal teenager? Was it worth passing up college? Was it worth leaving her brother and sister behind? She always knew Fifth Harmony would break up at some point but she definitely did not think they’d end everything before Little Mix. Her heart felt heavy in her chest as she thought about the British group now being the biggest girl group in the world. That use to be them.

Her mind drifted toward her long time girlfriend whom she hasn’t been able to face since the final break up of Fifth Harmony. Lucy has always been there for Lauren but for some reason she couldn’t even face her. How could she? The Colombian had such high hopes for her. Wanted her and the other girls to be so successful and its almost as if she’d let everyone down.

Her and Ally, being the only two left that had wanted to continue Fifth Harmony were forced to terminate their contract as a group, leaving only their solo contracts. Lauren couldn’t even find any form of motivation within her to continue pursuing music. She always had a reason when her girls were by her side but now… everything was numb. She didn’t want to sing or perform ever again.

She didn’t even realize when the tears had started to flow. They just came, and she couldn’t stop them even if she tried. She didn’t care for the stares of concern she got or the group of teenage girls huddled around not far from her snapping photos. She didn’t care for anything. Her heart hurt. She felt like she couldn’t breathe.

She gave up everything. Her family, her education, her normalcy. And for what exactly? To continue a group that wouldn’t even make it to its fifth year? She was suppose to be living the dream right now. Traveling with her best friends doing what they loved; performing. She was suppose to be trying new fancy foods at European restaurants and meeting the fans who always seemed to make the fire in her heart light up in flames. She was suppose to be happy. But nope. Here she was, crying in a random Miami beach wishing to go back to the good old days.

Stressed out by Twenty One Pilots came to mind. “Wish we could turn back time… to the good old days,” she whispered to herself.

Standing up, she decided to leave before she ended up on the cover of some rehab magazine with a crazy headline from the paparazzi. The walk to her car felt like centuries. Her feet felt like stone as they moved slowly across the concrete sidewalk. She just wanted to get home and apologize to her girlfriend while cuddling up to her and wishing things would go back to normal.

***

“Babe, you gotta get up,” someone had waken her up from her sleep. Someone as in Lucy.

Opening one eye, she saw her girlfriends soft eyes staring back at her. She grumbled to herself as she turned on her side and brought the blanket up further over her head. Waking up was the last thing on her mind. She wanted to sleep into a coma where no one would ever hurt her again. Fuck the world. It didn’t treat her kindly anyway. “Go away,” she mumbled into the pillow.

She heard Lucy sigh as she got out of bed. “Okay,” she whispered softly. “Just… come to the kitchen whenever you’re up for it.”

Opening her eyes, her shoulder shrunk back at the sound of her girlfriends voice. “Babe… wait,” she called out. Coming out from her cocoon of blankets, she held out her arms with a sad pout. Turning around, Lucy rose an eyebrow. Lauren huffed as she sat all the way up. “I’m sorry,” she muttered out after a few moments.

Lucy shrugged, “It’s okay. You can go back to bed,” she replied, getting ready to leave again.

“Thats the thing Luce, its not,” her heart thumped in her chest loudly as she ran a tired hand through her hair. Not understanding, Lucy slowly made her way back over to the green eyed and sat at the foot of the bed. Lauren gulped lightly, “It’s not okay.”

“What’s not okay?”

Throwing her hands up in exasperation, she sighed loudly. “Everything,” she cursed herself when she felt her voice crack. “Everything is just so fucked up Lucy. Can you believe all that’s happened in the last few months? I was suppose to be the glue that held everyone together and… I failed a simple fucking job,” she beat herself up. It was an awful habit but she couldn’t help it. “Maybe if I was kinder to Camila she wouldn’t have left,” she thought. “Maybe if I wasn’t such an asshole to her all those months, she wouldn’t have left. If i was just kinder she’d still be here, so will Dinah, Normani and Ally. We’d still be a group… we’d still be sister.”

Lucy sighed softly as she reached over to pull her girlfriend in for a much needed hug. “Listen to be Laur,” she spoke softly near her ear. “No matter what you would’ve done, Camila still would have left. This is not your fault. She was working on solo music since Late January of 2016. That’s way back last year. Her goal was to fuck you guys over. She didn’t even show up to any of the meetings Simon arranged before the final spilt,” Lucy paused as she attempted to gather her thoughts. “Dinah, well you know wherever Camila goes, she’ll follow like a lost puppy. Normani would follow Dinah to the fucking moon. Fifth Harmony died when Camila started keeping secrets and that is not your fault nor will it ever be baby girl. I promise.”

Lauren stayed silent for awhile. She wanted to defend Camila, give her the benefit of the doubt. Hope that Lucy may just have a bad impression with her but deep down she knew it was pretty much true. Her chest felt tight as she thought about it. She tried to hold it in… really, she did. But it just came ripping through her. Her body shook slightly as the first sob escaped her lips. She hated crying, especially over something like this. It was over. Done. So why did it still hurt so much?

Why did she even care? Camila left knowing Lauren hated her. Why was it such a big deal now? Why was she blaming herself for Camila’s own selfishness? She needed to get her shit together; fast.

***

Fresh air. That’s what she needed. Her body felt calm and relaxed as she walked through the streets of Miami. For the first time in awhile, the tight aching in her chest had subsided and a small ounce of contentment took over. A faint smile graced her lips as she finally felt herself for a little while.

Counting each palm tree she passed by in her head, a smile formed on her face. Its been awhile since she smiled. Who knew something as small as walking could make her day.

Looking up, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She probably looked crazy with a dopey grin on her lips while staring up at the sky with her eyes closed but she was happy. Nothing was going to ruin this once in a life time moment for her.

Okay, maybe one thing was. Maybe walking with her head titled up and eyes closed wasn’t the best idea. Her bliss instantly vanished and embarrassment took over as she bumped into someone.

Quickly bringing her head back down and opening her eyes, she got ready to apologize but the words got stuck in her throat as she looked at the person before her. Well, people, before her. One of them caught her eye and the other she’s obviously seen through the media that went even crazier than when she had come out.

Before her stood her former bandmate and her supposed girlfriend Lola McKatie who looked an awful lot like her. Previous contentment and happiness got replaced by anger and sadness. She struggled to speak as her eyes stayed glued on the girl who had dyed her hair an ashy brown color. Her brown eyes popped with the new color and her tan skin looked amazing but Lauren was never going to say that out loud. Or anything for that matter.

Shaking her head, she started to walk around the couple when she felt someone grab her arm and call out her name. Someone as in Camila fucking Cabello.

“Lauren, wait,” her voice sounded almost pleading like.

A sarcastic chuckle fell from her lips as she ripped her arm away, “Don’t fucking touch me again,” she growled out with her back still turned to them.

“Laur-”

“Don’t talk to her like that!”

Turning around, Lauren faced Camila’s new girlfriend. She looked her up and down before chuckling to herself. “Yeah, okay. When you stop looking like a human animation of a Bratz Doll.”

The obvious offense in the girls features amused Lauren. Sighing to herself, she spared Camila and her new girl toy one last glance before walking away. A small wave of relief crashed over her when Camila didn’t try to stop her again.

Taking a deep breath to compose herself, she willed the anger to dissolve. Camila wasn’t worth it; pun intended.

Her heart raced in her chest, her stomach feeling queasy as she thought back to just a few moments ago. It feels like its been so long since she’s last seen her but it was merely a few months. She remembered how her chest contracted when she made eye contact with the former band member. How she almost froze. She never understood why and or how Camila was able to make so many emotions cloud her at once by simply doing nothing. It overwhelmed her.

She just needed to get home and forget that encounter. But of course the universe hated her and stopped at nothing to make her life hell.

“Lauren!” Her body froze at the voice.

Stopping in her tracks, she forced her breathing to even out. Why must you hate me God, she thought to herself.

She had half a mind to continue walking but she knew Camila Cabello did not and will not stop. She felt the anxiety creeping up as she turned around to face the girl who seemed to be alone now.

Brown eyes appeared to be on guard as she slowly approached. Lauren watched as Camila visibly gulped harshly before stopping in front of Lauren.

A small awkward silence passed by as the two former bandmates just stared at each other. Sighing, Lauren spoke, “What do you want Camila?”

“Long time no see I guess,” the small Latina mumbled with a small awkward giggle. When Lauren kept her stone like expression, the giggle died off into awkward silence. “I just uh was around and saw you. How are you?”

“Fine,” Lauren answered shortly. Sighing again, she rubbed her forehead in exhaustion. “Again, what do you want Camila?”

“I just wanted to say hi,” she said quietly.

“Well you’ve said it. Bye,” she turned to walk away again when Camila grabbed her arm for the second time that day. Her body went up in flames as the shaky hand took hold of her arm.

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out suddenly. Brown orbs swam with anxiety as they darted back and forth. “For-for leaving like that. Please don’t hate me anymore.”

A dry chuckle fell from her lips. Her green eyes turning stone cold, she ripped her hand out of her former bandmate’s hold. “You don’t even get it!” She shouted. Her body shook with anger and sadness as she started to walk away before being pulled back by the brunette.

“Then let me in Lauren,” sadness swam in the brown orbs as they pleaded with green ones. “You never let me in anymore. Please let me in…” she whispered.

Backing away from the girl, Lauren shook her head. “Camz…”

“Please,” she whispered.

Looking down, Lauren shook her head. “I stopped letting you in when you started shutting me out,” she said softly.

Prying Camila’s hand off her, she walked away.

***

a/n: fuck, this was so hard for me to write. i hope you guys liked it. sorry for the long break, i just needed to understand where i stood since the news and everything. i hope y'all are still with me. what did you think of this chapter? let me know in the comments and don’t forget to vote.

for my tumblr readers, my wattpad is wthbello and you can comment and vote on this story there too if you’d like. also a bomb ass cover ;) follow me there and check out this story there.

thanks so much for reading all of you.

SORRY I DIDNT EDIT!

ellianna, (elli) xxxxxxxxxxx

[ttamkooz]

god made me an atheist

ive gone round and round in my brain for years now on how to start expressing my journey and where i am today.

there have been many drafts that have since been tossed in the trash, each leaving me unsatisfied. always back to the drawing board; over and over again. i even wrote a piece and showed it to a few people just to mentally push through but, alas i still wasnt happy with it. 

so i let it go. we had some family stuff sneak to the forefront of life and so i gladly put that damn thing on the back-burner. 

but as the great ‘smee’ from the movie ‘hook’ once said, ‘lightning has struck my brain!’ and so now i know and now we will begin...

prologue:

to any and all of my family and friends who read this i want to say that i am still the matt you have known before, just minus the belief in a deity. i actually hesitated for the longest while to use the term atheist because of what it typically conveys to those in the christian community and i did not want you to think of me like that. so please believe me when i say that i am still the goofy, bald, loving and sometimes too pudgy guy youve always known. i wont mock you because you still believe and im not out to convince or convert you. this is just my story and i will share so i can be free in my own mind and hopefully regain a sense of honesty within myself.

my story:

most of you who read this will know me and my background but for anyone who doesnt, here are the cliffs notes...

-born and raised in a pentecostal christian household. went to church every time the doors were open.

-i ‘walked away’ from god and rebelled in my teens. eventually, i got re-saved and ended up working part-time & full time in the church in multiple capacities for 8-9 years off and on.

there were actually two events that i now look back and see were crucial in my departure from faith.

event #1

so one day im in my office at the church when a member comes in balling and talking about the problem they are experiencing in their marriage. as i sat and merely listened to the horrific story and watched the excruciating pain they were feeling at that very moment i had an awful epiphany; i thought to myself, “what can i possibly say here?” the list of scriptures usually accessed by my brain in these types of situations was now being rejected by my conscience. every single one, now all of a sudden were not good enough. they just seemed....false.

event #2

at the ripe ole’ age of 32 i became a dad. it was and continues to be my favorite role in life (sorry honey-im sure you’d say the same 8!). but as amazing as it was it unknowingly caused me to read the bible through the eyes of a father and this turned out to paint quite a disturbing picture of yahweh. i honestly couldn’t believe that i was never able to see it this way before. i mean im not talking about the many obscure stories that only atheists and apologists read, i am talking about the big ones baby. what in the world happened to my brain that i was able to read and hear these stories for almost 30 years and see anything but horror show that it is? 

so as i set out on a journey to read my bible. i read with a new set of eyes. stories that once conveyed hope, faith and victory now portrayed very, very different things. now not only did i read the bible, but i read everything i could get my hands on. books and blogs by bible scholars, pastors and apologists but nothing was reading like it was supposed to. 

a few years of this along with many hours of discussion with 2 trusted friends. one a pastor and the other a fellow christian in deconstruction. these were simply a safe place to voice new found emotions, ideas, frustrations and whatever else happened to be brewing inside my soul on that particular day. 

if asked, both these guys could attest to the fact that i tried to rebuild more than once, but at one point or another it would all be wrong and id have to knock it down, assess and try to put it back together again. 

and then, one very seemingly ordinary night i came home from one of these discussions. everyone in the house was asleep and it was dark and quiet. as i stood in my kitchen getting a drink of water it occurred to me; i no longer believe and that was it. 

there would be no more deconstruction.

there would be no more rebuilding.

it was a thought slash feeling from deep down that told me it was over. and i felt a very real sense of loss. the kind of loss like a loved one had passed away. i felt my brain scrambling for an argument, but there was nothing. 

nothing but the loss.

i wasnt swayed by a bunch of scientific facts or a speech by dawkins or hitchens. i read the bible and now i am an atheist.

and i will say that a few years past that moment of realization, i am happier and more at peace than i ever have before in my life.

prologue:

this has obviously been a streamlined version of what occurred over something like 5 years. it is my goal to just put it out there for me and whatever happens, happens. 

i imagine i will get a little bit of every kind of response with news like this and im at a place in my life that i am fine with it. i cant remember my life being any better than it is right now. my wife and my kids are amazing, my family is bigger than ever and remains strong, and my confidence in being who i am has probably never been higher. 

i dont know when or even if i will post again (probably pretty randomly) but i will respond to those who write back to me on this post.

thanks for reading and may the force be with you!