#I don't want this to end up in the wrong tags

[redhoodfucker69]

okay I used to work for a pharmaceutical manager. basically it was a service that directly managed pharmaceutical benefits for insurance companies and also had its own mail order pharmacy. I was a call center representative and I won't get into it but I basically had a mental breakdown and completely ghosted before I got fired. that's beside the point. (people are seriously not meant to be expected to take 90 calls in a fucking eight hour shift. that's like five minutes per call and half of the time it takes five minutes just to get through the fucking HIPAA verification).

in any case. I was the first level customer service agent. the one you talked to so I could figure out what was needed, if I could resolve it, and what dedicated team was necessary to resolve it if I couldn't. dealing with both insurance and pharmacy at the same time meant I needed to be able to answer a lot of difficult questions, especially since we also had a specialty pharmacy on the side that dealt with more complex and highly expensive medications. sometimes it ended up I couldn't answer any questions at all, nor could my company, and I had to waste thirty fucking minutes figuring out who in their actual insurance company I needed to get on the line with so they could talk to them. nightmare job. in any case, the majority of questions and tasks I fielded had to do with the mail order pharmacy.

we tended to use USPS as our dedicated mail company except in special situations like overnight orders or specific refrigerated medications. even without a pharmacy tech license, I was qualified to place those orders. most of our callers were the elderly, because older folks prefer using the phone and talking to people and don't like ordering via automated system. (i don't blame them, when I refill prescriptions, I just jump directly to speak to representative bc who the hell has time to fight with a system that may or may not refill the wrong thing when I can talk to a person, and those systems OFTEN fill the wrong thing, I know from experience, especially when you're on the same medication but adjusting dosages and there's like three separate dosages with qualified refills). so, I would refill. a lot. of medications for old folks.

I cannot express to you based on my experience the absolute importance of having USPS functioning as it should and not privatized. many of these rural communities have no local pharmacy, are miles away from big towns that have them, and are entirely dependent on mail order pharmacies that refill medications every three months on a schedule. there are so many elderly folks stranded out there that have never lived in a big city in their life and rely on their kids living in larger towns to take them to doctor appointments, or dedicated caretakers, or just carpooling. they'll stack all of their appointments for the same day and all hop in a car to go to the city. they need these mail order pharmacies.

mail order pharmacies typically rely on USPS for a reason: privatized parcel delivery companies will often not serve to tiny rural communities. if you're living on a dirt road, you're shit out of luck for delivery. sure, there's some small towns with a physical location, or close enough to a town with a physical location they'll deliver. but not super often, and it also depends. if there's no physical location, but they still do in town deliveries, they'll often refuse to drop off a package that requires a signature due to the cost of whatever is in the package. why? because they don't want to constantly play signature tag with someone where there isn't an immediately available office to go back to with the package. and a lot of these packages require signatures because medications are fucking expensive. so if you want to get your medicine, you gotta drive 30 minutes to over an hour to wherever the hell your package is anyways.

that's where USPS comes in. because it's not for profit, it delivers everywhere, and even if a town doesn't have a post office bc it's got such a tiny population, the next town over will, and they'll deliver.

I cannot express this enough. privatizing the USPS will absolutely fucking kill these small communities, and may actually kill some people before the communities die off. I cannot tell you how many times I had to field calls where they only called once they ran out of maintenance medications waiting on a new batch, even though there's a fairly large buffer zone when ordering directly from the pharmacy where you should have a handful of days, up to a week, leftover when your new medication comes in. they will straight up wait for it to run out before they make the call. combine that with a chaotic post office and it will get out of control fast. they're stubborn and don't want to call their kids or caretakers to go pick up an emergency supply from the nearest pharmacy. I had to sweet talk a LOT of old folks into getting an emergency supply, and not every agent will do that, and even if they do, they won't always be successful. I wasn't always successful. one time I had to talk an old lady into getting an emergency supply for her anti rejection medication for her fucking liver transplant. I wasn't even required nor trained to tell people emergency supplies were something they could get when on the mail order program. in fact, I was told in training I could only say yes when asked the question, and I wasn't supposed to bring it up, bc insurance companies are fucking ghouls that would rather people die than spend a little extra money. many agents will go by the book and NOT bring it up. I didn't want someone's death on my hands, so I made sure to always tell them.

privatizing the postal service will ACTUALLY kill people, and postal workers know this. they talk to people on their regular routes. they get to know them. they see them every day. they're even more chatty with retirees and old folks because they're someone familiar to talk to and a lot of old folks are isolated. they know DAMN well not only their jobs are on the line, but people's lives are at stake here. they know the ins and outs of politics and cost saving measures with privatized parcel delivery services like FedEx and UPS. they know privatizing the post office will inevitably end in some of those old folks they see almost every day and chat to dying and them losing their jobs and benefits. I guarantee you a lot of the people getting laid off in the first round will be the older drivers that have been with the post office for 20, 30 years now, running the same routes and watching the same folks grow old. the drivers know that too.

so. yeah. this is gonna actually kill people. don't let the post office get privatized. if you see these protests in your city, swing by. you can protest with them, or if you don't have time, drop off unopened cases of bottled water. it's getting hot out here. keep your postal workers hydrated. maybe drop off some donuts for blood sugar. support unions.

[jiraisupportgroup]

♡ Common Trigger Warnings & How Tumblr's Content Filtering Works ♡

I made one of these a few months ago but I have been filtering some content recently and realized that I was wrong about how Tumblr's filtering system works!!!! That post is incorrect!!! I will leave that other post up for a little while with a correction in the comments, but it will likely be deleted at the end of the month.

♡ TLDR

• Trigger warnings are more important on Tumblr now because of the for you page. Tumblr will sometimes push posts of yours onto someone’s for you page without them having seen your blog, bio, or pinned post to know that your content may be triggering.

• When you filter a tag Tumblr will only block the exact tag you filter. For example if you filter just “ed”, posts tagged with “tw ed”, “cw ed”, “ed mention”, “ed implied”, or “ed related” will still be shown. This is why simple and easy to understand trigger warnings are important.

• Stating what the trigger warning is for is also important. If you just say “tw” we don’t know what the trigger is. It could be something we’re okay with or something that will trigger us, we have no way of knowing unless you say what it’s for.

• Trigger warnings that are designed to avoid filtration such as “tw sl3f h4rn” are not helpful. It’s very difficult to read and it is hard to filter. At that point you may as well have not put a trigger warning at all.

• You will not get banned for using the hashtags tw sh, tw sa, tw ed, tw ana, tw suicide, tw cut, or tw rape among others. It’s okay and desirable to use simple and to the point trigger tags.

• Below the read more I go into more detail about all this. I have compiled common trigger warnings by going through the tags and copying common ones I saw, I have also listed them out for easier copy and pasting if you want to filter them. I also show you how to access tumblr’s filtering page on desktop and mobile, as well as detailing exactly how the filtering system works.

♡ Why are trigger warnings important?

Trigger warnings help people avoid content that will trigger them, pretty straightforward. This helps everyone stay safe and prevents unwanted triggers from appearing on someone's dashboard unexpectedly. Overall, basic things don't really need trigger warnings, but photos or more graphic or detailed vents about topics such as sexual assault, self-harm, drug use, abuse, or disordered eating are helpful to have trigger warnings on, especially in communities based around mental health.

Stating what the trigger warning is for is also important! Most of the time people just want to avoid a few topics for their mental health. If you just put “tw” then we don’t know what the triggering topic is. It could be something we’re okay with, or it might not be. It’s like if I handed you an empty box and said “hey there is something in this box”, you would have no idea what is in there or if you want to open it or not. Not super helpful.

Back in the hay days of Tumblr before pinned posts or the for your page, a lot of us just put common trigger warnings for our blogs in our bios and left it at that because people typically had to look at your profile to follow you before they would see any triggering posts. If we were using public tags (like community tags such as #jiraiblr, or tags for media such as #dokidokiteratureclub) we would usually put a trigger warning on that as well since it widens the audience that would see it.

The introduction of Tumblr's For You Page has made trigger warnings more important on typical posts because any post you make can show up on someone's For You Page without them having seen your bio or pinned post. You can put trigger warnings in a pinned post, but sometimes Tumblr will show random posts of yours on other people's for you pages without them having seen anything about your blog before or knowing that your blog is triggering.

This is especially an issue in mental health-based communities. It is not uncommon for people to like one too many coquette aesthetic photos and then have pro-ed things show up on their for you page with no warning. This is why lately there has been a bigger push for proper trigger tagging on this website if you have a public account.

Tumblr also will only filter out the exact tag you filter. This means if you filter only "sh", posts tagged with "tw sh", "cw sh", "sh mention", or "sh implied" will still be shown in full. This is part of why people get frustrated when you use trigger warnings that are designed to avoid filtration. Sure if you put "tw 4n0r3x!4" on a post, you have technically provided a trigger warning, but it is difficult to read and difficult to filter, so people who need a trigger warning for discussions around anorexia may end up seeing and getting halfway through a post before even realizing it has that content.

There are some commonly accepted trigger warning short-hands or alternatives people use. I went through some of these tags and copied trigger warnings I saw used below, but I encourage people to try and keep it simple and easy to understand when you put trigger warnings on your posts.

Typically "tw sh" for self harm topics, "tw ed" or "tw ana" for discussions surrounding eating disordered eating or anorexia, "tw suicide". “tw sui” or "tw suicidial ideation" for topics surrounding suicide or suicidal ideation, and "tw sa" for discussions about sexual assault are okay. You don't need to censor those on this website. Tumblr will not delete your blog for using those tags I promise (I've used all of those trigger warnings multiple times on this blog).

♡ Common Trigger Warnings

I went through the tags and copied trigger warnings I saw being used, I also listed out ones to filter so you can copy and paste them to make it a little easier. For the most part, you should not have to filter all of these, but you might want to go at least 5 or 10 down the list to make sure anything is filtered because I saw a few posts where the only trigger tag was like "tw @n@m!@" which... I just actually sighed typing that out please just put tw ana or tw ed next time T-T it's much easier to type and also much more effective.

List of the trigger warnings above: sh, tw sh, cw sh, $h, tw $h, cw $h, sh related, tw sh related, cw sh related, self harm, tw self harm, cw self harm, $elf harm, tw $elf harm, cw $elf harm, s3lf harm, tw s3lf harm, cw s3lf harm, self h@rm, tw self h@rm, cw self h@rm, self h4rm, tw self h4rm, cw self h4rm, self harn, tw self harn, cw self harn, slef harm, tw slef harm, cw slef harm, cut, tw cut, cw cut, cuts, tw cuts, cw cuts, cvt, tw cvt, cw cvt, cvts, tw cvts, cw cvts, cvtblr, tw cvtblr, cw cvtblr, cutblr, tw cutblr, cw cutblr, shblr, tw shblr, cw shblr, $hblr, tw $hblr, cw $hblr, shblur, tw shblur, cw shblur, self mutilation, tw self mutilation, cw self mutilation, slef mutilation, tw slef mutilation, cw slef mutilation, self mut1lati0n, tw self mut1lati0n, cw self mut1lati0n, shtblr, tw shtblr, cw shtblr, shblr, tw shblr, cw shblr, shtwt, tw shtwt, cw shtwt, 988blr, tw 988blr, cw 988blr, styro, tw styro, cw styro, cvtting, tw cvtting, cw cvtting, cvtt!ng, tw cvtt!ng, cw cvtt!ng, cvtting is silly, styroblr, tw styroblr, cw styroblr, styr0blr, tw styr0blr, cw styr0blr, cat scratches, tw cat scratches, cw cat scratches, beans, tw beans, cw beans, b3ans, tw b3ans, cw b3ans, be@ns, tw be@ns, cw be@ns, cvtspo, i love cvtting. sui, tw sui, cw sui, su1, tw su1, cw su1, sewercide, tw sewercide, cw sewercide, sewer slide, tw sewer slide, cw sewer slide, sewerslidal, tw sewerslidal, cw sewerslidal, suic1de, tw suic1de, cw suic1de, $uicide, tw $uicide, cw $uicide, sui implied, tw sui implied, cw sui implied, sui ideation, tw sui ideation, cw sui ideation.

For self-harm topics, I recommend filtering: sh tw sh cw sh sh tw $h tw $h $h tw cw $h cut tw cut cw cut cvt tw cvt cw cvt cuts tw cuts cw cuts cvts tw cvts cw cvts cvtblr cutblr shblr shedblr That should filter out most of the content. Spaced out for easier copy / pasting.

For suicidal ideation, I recommend triggering: sui tw sui sui tw cw sui suicide tw suicide cw suicide suicide tw sui ideation tw sui ideation cw sui ideation sui mention tw sui mention cw sui mention sui mention tw $ui tw $ui cw $ui $ui tw su1cide tw su1cide cw su1cide su1cide tw. That should filter out most of the content. Spaced out for easier copy / pasting.

List of the trigger warnings above: ed, tw ed, cw ed, ed tw, 3d, tw 3d, cw 3d, 3d tw, edblr, tw edblr, cw edblr, edblr tw, ed not sheeran, 3d not sheeran, shedblr, tw shedblr, cw shedblr, shedblr tw, restriction, tw restriction, cw restriction, restriction tw, r3striction, tw r3striction, cw r3striction, r3striction tw, ed blog, tw ed blog, cw ed blog, ed blog tw, 3d blog, tw 3d blog, cw 3d blog, 3d blog tw, ed bl0g, tw ed bl0g, cw ed bl0g, 3d bl0g tw, skinii, tw skinii, cw skinii, skinni, tw skinni, cw skinni, ana, tw ana, cw ana, ana tw, anamia, tw anamia, cw anamia, anamia tw, @.na, tw @.na, cw @.na, @.na tw, @.n@, tw @.n@, cw @.n@, ana diet, tw ana diet, cw ana diet, @.na diet, tw @.na diet, cw @.na diet, ana di3t, tw ana di3t, cw ana di3t, ana d13t, di3ting, tw di3ting, cw di3ting, 4na, tw 4na, cw 4na, 4n4, tw 4n4, cw 4n4, 4nor3xia, tw 4nor3xia, f@st, tw f@st, cw f@st, f@sting, tw f@sting, cw f@sting, proana, tw proana, cw proana, pr0ana, tw pr0ana, cw pr0ana, pro@na, tw pro@na, cw pro@na, pro@n@, tw pro@n@, cw pro@n@, mia, tw mia, cw mia, mia tw, mi@, tw mi@, cw mi@, m!a, tw m!a, cw m!a, m!a tw, m!@, tw m!@, cw m!@, m!@ tw, m1a, tw m1a, cw m1a, 34t1ng d1s0rd3r, tw 34t1ng d1s0rd3r, 34t1ng d1s0rd3r tw, anablr, tw anablr, cw anablr, @.nablr, tw @.nablr, @.n@blr, tw @.n@blr, cw @.n@blr, ana y mia, ana boot camp, th1n, ⭐️ving, tw ⭐️ving, ⭐️vation, tw ⭐️vation, ⭐️ve, tw ⭐️ve, light as a feather, thinspo, thinspiration, thinspro, thinsp0, th1nsp0, th1nspo, thinspro, th1nspro, th1nspr0, thin$po, th1n$po, th1n$p0, thinspø, skinandbones, skin and bones, rexie, r3x13, r3xie, rex13, th1nblr.

For eating disorder content I recommend filtering: tw ed ed cw ed ed tw ana tw ana cw ana ana tw edblr shedblr ed but not sheeran tw ed but not sheeran ed not sheeran thinspo th1nsp0 ana y mia 3d tw 3d cw 3d 3d tw meanspo thinspro 3dblr anamia proana pro ana That should filter out most of the content. Spaced out for easier copy / pasting.

(NOTE: the trigger warnings listed here that begin with @ symbols I had to put periods in to avoid tagging random accounts. The tags will NOT have those periods you will need to remove those if you filter them I am very sorry for the inconvenience.)

List of the trigger warnings above: sa, tw sa, cw sa, sa tw, s@, tw s@, cw s@, s@ tw, $a, tw $a, cw $a, $a tw, s4, tw s4, cw s4, s4 tw, csa, tw csa, cw csa, csa tw, c$a, tw c$a, cw c$a, c$a tw, ca4, tw cs4, cw cs4, cs4 tw, c$4, tw c$4, cw c$4, c$4 tw, hypersexual, hypers3xual, rape, tw rape, cw rape, rape tw, rape mention, tw rape mention, cw rape mention, r@pe, tw r@pe, cw r@pe, r@pe tw, rap3, tw rap3, cw rap3, rap3 tw, r@p3, tw r@p3, cw r@p3, r@p3 tw, csem, tw csem, cw csem, csem tw, cs3m, tw cs3m, cw cs3m, cs3m tw, c$3m, tw c$3m, cw c$3m, c$3m tw, suggestive, tw suggestive, cw suggestive, suggestive tw, sugg3stive, tw sugg3stive, cw sugg3stive, sugg3stive tw, sugg3st1ve, sugg3s!ve, incest, tw incest, cw incest, incest tw, inc3st, tw inc3st, cw inc3st, inc3st tw, ince$t, tw ince$t, cw ince$t, ince$t tw, inc3$t, tw inc3$t, cw inc3$t, inc3$t tw.

For sexual assault content, I recommend filtering: sa tw sa sa tw cw sa $a tw $a $a tw $@ tw $@ cw $@ $@ tw csa tw csa cw csa csa tw c$a tw c$a cw c$a c$a tw c$@ tw c$@ c$@ tw csem cs3m tw csem tw cs3m rape tw rape cw rape rape tw rape mention tw rape mention cw rape mention sa implied tw sa implied sa mention tw sa mention That should filter out most of the content. Spaced out for easier copy / pasting.

For a lot of the sexual theme content trigger warnings, there aren't too many alternatives I saw people using. Most people tagged the posts with exactly what was going on, so you should be able to just filter out specific things you don't want to see without too much hassle.

♡ How does filtering content on Tumblr work?

When you filter content on Tumblr you have two options: filtering tags, or filtering content.

♡ Filtering Tags.

When you filter a tag, any post tagged with tag you filter will be blocked, and Tumblr will show what tag is blocking the post from being shown. It will look something like this:

If the post has multiple tags that you have blocked, it will not list all the blocked tags; it will just pick one blocked tag to show you. Additionally, it will only filter the exact tag you filter. So if you have tw sh filtered but the post is only tagged with sh, it will not filter that.

♡ Filtering Content.

When you filter content, any post tagged with the words you filtered will be blocked, and Tumblr will show what words are blocking the post. It will look something like this:

If there are multiple words or phrases it will just pick one to show you. I recommend filtering tags over filtering content, since the content will only be filtered if someone says the thing that you filtered in that post.

♡ How to add filters

♡ On mobile:

Click on the "account" icon

Click on the little settings gear in the top right corner

Click on "General Settings"

Click on "Filtering"

You can now add any tags or content you want to filter!

♡ On desktop:

On the left-hand side of the screen click on "settings"

Scroll down until you see the "Content You See" section. Here you can add any tags or content you want to filter.

Alright! That's about it, hopefully all of that made sense and was helpful in some way!

In short: tag things with simple and easy to understand tags especially if you’re using community tags, you can filter tags or content you don't want to see, and we all have to work together to make this a safe space for everyone!

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ I hope this was helpful! Stay safe guys, love you!!

[joshujin]

can’t wait no more

🔞 18+, minors do not interact • masterlist • submit a request

your pov • soonyoung’s pov ⇣

soonyoung has been best friends with you for 10 years now—in love with you for almost all of that time. one way or another, those 10 years end tonight.

♫ darl+ing svt pairing: soonyoung x fem!reader word count: 11.6k (i don't want to talk about it) tags: best friends to lovers, idiots in love, a lil miscommunication, angst, happy ending, soonyoung pov, flashbacks cw: smut - possessiveness, unprotected piv (pull-out method. v irresponsible piv. don't be like these two), reader loses virginity, spit, oral f. receiving, fingering, mention of choking, mention of masturbating, soft vanilla smut, probably a little hornier than the other pov bc this is a MAN after all a/n: happy @citruscheol birth!!! ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و to celebrate this momentous occasion, i ofc had to honor her request for a soonyoung pov of we can be all we need. you don’t really need to read that before this one; after all, they are essentially the same fic. BUT! i recommend you do bc it will make this version more enjoyable + easier to understand. and y’know what, i literally had to drive myself bat shit crazy and completely alter my brain chemistry to write this. like. there isn’t enough grass in the world that i can touch to return back to normal. and idk if i can ever look at hoshi the same ever again, so the least you can do is read both ok ㅠㅠㅠㅠ kidding ofc pls do what you want haha. either way, i think you’ll enjoy whichever one you want to read! as far as smut goes, same thing as last time: i marked where the smut starts and ends, but this courtesy is for adults who don’t want to read explicit material. minors should not be interacting at all pls!

soonyoung has been avoiding you. he knows you know it because you’ve asked him multiple times now if anything was wrong, and every time, he’s lied to you and told you everything was fine. everything wasn’t fine. it hardly felt like anything was fine, actually.

because you just blew out your candles, you’re 30 now, and his time has officially run out. he can’t blame anyone other than himself, though, and he knows it. he had seven whole years to tell you, and instead, he foolishly thought if he just continued to love you the way he’s always loved you, you would simply see it yourself. you would see how hopelessly in love with you he is. 

you didn’t. for whatever reason, his showering you with lavish gifts, vacations, and fancy meals didn’t strike you as odd for a friend. or the way he was constantly wrapped around you or leaving kisses on your forehead whenever he had the chance. or the fact that it’s been nine fucking years since he went on a date or slept with anyone. he’s fucking priestly at this point.

and he doesn’t do it just so you’ll get the hint. he does it because that’s how he loves you and that’s how he’s always loved you. but maybe that’s the issue: you think this is just how he is as a friend because he’s been this way ever since he met you. but you couldn’t be more wrong. 

soonyoung has never even felt inclined to treat anyone outside of his family the way he treats you. as far as he’s concerned, everything he does for you are just things he watched his dad do for his mom his whole life. you’re not even aware that the way he loves you is supposed to be reserved for whoever becomes his wife.

and he’s been so happy to give you all of that even if it meant you never saw him the way he longed for you to. it fills him with pride to know that your expectations are higher because he’s loved you so well—that you know exactly what you deserve because he’s always tried to give you exactly that.

at least, up until a few weeks ago, when the horror of the truth really started settling into his bones: you weren’t going to fall in love with him by the time you turn 30. and without even really realizing it, he started distancing himself from you, deluded into thinking it would be easier to let go if he just put a little space between the two of you. he knew it was hurting you just as much as it was hurting him, and he knew you didn’t deserve it.

it’s against his hardwiring to do anything that hurts you, and it’s reflected in how terrible his life has become in just a handful of weeks. his apartment has been filthy; the only reason it was ready for your party was because he paid the housekeeper double to come even though he wasn’t scheduled to clean for another week. his work is fortunately still fine, but he spends whole days with horrible brain fog, hardly understanding or even hearing anything anyone says to him. he hasn’t seen any friends—mutual or otherwise—because he spends all his free time in bed or drinking himself into a sobbing mess.

that’s all he can seem to do these days, is cry over you. 

soonyoung steps out into the balcony attached to his bedroom, leaning against the sliding door once it’s closed. he cranes his neck to look up toward the midnight sky, and takes a deep breath. it doesn’t help keep the tears at bay. he keeps his head tilted up. 

he knows you don’t deserve this. he knows you’re hurting and that you feel him slipping away. he saw it. just now, just before you blew your candles out, he saw the way the joy and life immediately fled your eyes when they landed on him. he wonders what you saw. did you see the apathy he was desperately forcing? did you see how sad he was at all? 

because he is. he’s the saddest he’s felt since you told him you would rather be on vacation with someone you were in love with seven years ago. someone who wasn’t him. maybe he’s even sadder now. at least back then, he was foolish enough to hope you would change your mind. at least back then, he had time on his side.

now, it’s over, and now, it’s time to give himself a fair chance to move on. you don’t deserve what he’s putting you through, and it’s true for him too. he doesn’t deserve what he’s put himself through for the last decade. 

countless nights you fell asleep at his place, countless times he wished he could gather you up in his arms and carry you into a bed you shared. all the times you told him you loved him and he desperately wanted to beg you to repeat it, even if it was just so he could pretend you meant it the way he needed you to mean it. whole weeks spent overseas on all kinds of vacations, time he spent daydreaming that this was what a honeymoon with you could feel like.

it all adds up to a decade of putting his heart on the backburner so he could allow himself to continue loving you.

soonyoung scoffs at himself when the tears refuse to stop welling in his eyes. he shakes his head and steps forward, resting his forearms against his railing and staring at the blackness in front of him.

part of him hates the version of himself from seven years ago that thought making this stupid promise was a good idea. what good can come from not loving you? but the reason he’s stuck to pulling away and holding you at arm’s distance is because that version of himself somehow knew the pain would grow more and more, year after year.

he can’t do this for the rest of his life—can’t just keep making room for more heartache the older he gets. you’re 30 now, and even though you insist you’re fine and have no desire to date, he knows you’ll get restless soon. and when he thinks of you finally deciding you want to have a boyfriend, he wants to vomit. when he thinks of some other asshole’s hands on you, his lips on yours—when he thinks of you sighing anyone’s name but his, he gets near homicidal over something that isn’t even real. at least not yet.

soonyoung doesn’t want to wait for that to happen. he doesn’t want to wait for you to hate him for being unable to share you—and he won’t be able to share you. he also doesn’t want you to have to face the pressure of having to choose between a best friend and a boyfriend. 

instead, he’d rather you start to hate him slowly, over time. he’d rather you allow him his space and not even realize you hate him for slipping away and leaving you behind—not until it’s years later, when you hear his name in passing, and you think, he just left, and you tell yourself it’s fine because your life is better without him anyway.

it hurts you now, but it’ll hurt less later. it’ll hurt less for both of you to endure this silence now, rather than fight until there’s nothing but resentment.

the door behind soonyoung slides open forcefully and slams closed a moment later. he flinches, looking over his shoulder to see who entered his room and ready to tell them to get out. when he sees you, though, he turns back away, trying to discreetly wipe his eyes.

“what are you doing?”

he quietly clears his throat, hoping he doesn’t sound too worn when he speaks. “just needed some air.”

“no.”

you say it in that tone that always scared him a little. it’s when he knew you were about to get your way. he wasn’t interested in doing the whole fighting thing with you; he just gave you whatever you wanted the moment this voice came out of your mouth. it always drew a smile out of you and it made his life easier.

this is about to be the one and only time he can’t let you have your way.

“what are you doing?”

soonyoung squeezes his eyes shut, like that will help him brace himself against the conversation he has to have with you.

this was coming, he tells himself. you knew this was coming. she was never just going to let you go without an explanation.

“why are you ignoring me?” you ask, voice cracking. it takes everything in him to stay where he stands and keep from wrapping his arms around you, apologizing, and begging you to stop crying. “why are you avoiding me? why are you acting like i’m not your best friend?”

soonyoung opens his eyes and almost laughs. best friend. he doesn’t know when the term became so derogatory to him. anyone would be lucky to be in your life, let alone be your best friend. he hates it anyway.

he’s your best friend. you’re not his. he would never dream of calling you that—at least not without calling you the love of his life first. his most beloved. the woman he would give anything to marry. on the totem pole of things he wants to call you, best friend is at the bottom.

“because you’re not,” he says honestly. he immediately regrets it when he hears the small whimper that escapes you. “at least, i don’t want you to be,” he adds, hoping it will soften the blow of what he just said.

“what are you saying?” 

soonyoung feels so tired and sad and heartbroken. he hangs his head a little as he takes a deep breath.

“what are you saying, soonyoung?” you repeat when he doesn’t answer immediately. patience was never your strong suit.

when he’s sure he’s not going to start sobbing upon turning, he finally faces you, and even then, he can’t bring himself to look you in the eye. if he does, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to do this.

“do you remember your 23rd birthday?” he asks, gaze fixed on the stain on his balcony where you dropped a smoothie and he insisted you leave it instead of cleaning it. he forgot to do it himself and now he has a permanent reminder of how whipped he is for you.

“siquijor,” you basically spit at him. he feels your walls coming up. he feels your defenses getting ready, and he knows you’re aware of what he’s about to do. “what about it?”

siquijor. the best and worst trip of his life.

“i think i’m drunk,” you announced, words slurring so badly, soonyoung was convinced anyone else wouldn’t be able to understand what you were saying.

“what?” he asked sarcastically. “no way. what makes you say that?” 

soonyoung loved being sober when you were drunk like this. he loved hearing and seeing all the silly shit you’d never say or do sober. most of all, he loved taking care of you. he loved pretending he meant something more to you and this was just another boyfriend duty of his—making sure his drunk girlfriend was happy and hydrated and safe, and that when she woke up, she had a lineup of hangover cures at her disposal.

you answered with the gnarliest burp. he burst into loud laughter, grateful the beach was far enough away from any rooms that the two of you weren’t disturbing anyone.

after a few moments, he realized you weren’t laughing along, simply leaning back on your elbows in the sand, smiling softly at him. he did what he does best: he pretended. he pretended you were just a lovesick girl staring at someone she yearned for. he pretended you wanted him just as badly as he needed you. he pretended you were in love.

“penny for your thoughts, you drunkard?” 

you giggled, slipping off of your elbows and laying all the way down. he joined you, both of you looking up at the sky. it was different here than it was back home. it was quiet and warm and there was no light to disrupt the view of the stars. he loved that he was seeing something like this for the first time with you.

“my thoughts are worth more than a penny.”

he snorted. even drunk, you were a brat. “nickel?”

“nice try. a hundred bucks, buddy.”

“ha!” he shouted. “never mind, keep your thoughts to yourself.”

“soonie!” you half whined, half burped. he made a face of disgust at you. he thought he did a good job of hiding how endeared he was.

“gross.” soonyoung sighed, turning back to the sky. “fifty.”

you giggled. “deal.” there was no way in hell you were going to remember he owed you $50. “i’m thinking… i am having the best time of my life.”

his heart swelled knowing he did well for your birthday celebration.

he let his head loll to the side, watching you. you had your hands folded politely over your ribs and your legs were crossed at the ankles, your feet swaying side to side like there was a song playing that only you could hear. if soonyoung concentrated hard enough, he thought he could hear it too. it sounded like what he imagined his love for you would if it were a song.

you smiled at the stars like you were talking to them. 

“i’m so happy,” you said. “best birthday ever, soonyoung. best month ever. thank you. i love you so much.”

“you’re welcome, y/n,” he said, voice coming out barely above a whisper. “i love you too.” so god damn much.

you turned to look at him when he said that, your smile fading naturally the longer you looked at him. “i…” you trailed off, frowning a little before you continued. “i think… i think i feel lonely, though.”

he mirrored your frown, immediately bringing his body closer to yours. he rested a hand on top of yours. “what’s wrong?”

you opened your mouth but before you could start speaking, you were suddenly crying. 

“y/n?” he sat up, bringing you up with him. “what’s wrong, baby?” his eyes widened at the slip-up, but you were too drunk to notice, frantically wiping the tears that kept streaming down your face.

“i’m so happy,” you breathed, hand still in his. “this is everything i’ve ever wanted. this is everything i could ever dream of having.” 

your words were still slurred and with the addition of the crying to your inebriated state, you’re hiccuping badly as you speak. 

“then why are you crying?” he asked. “why do you feel lonely?”

“this is what i want from y—from…” you hiccuped again. “this is everything i want from someone i’m in love with.”

he felt his heart drop into his stomach, and he couldn’t help the way his hand stiffened in yours. he pulled away.

“oh” was all he could bring himself to say.

what else was he supposed to say to that?

“i’m in love with you. please let me be the one that gets to give this to you.”

“please love me.”

“please don’t break my heart like this.”

he couldn’t say any of it.

“i want you to want… i want…” you kept hiccuping, and despite feeling like his heart was breaking into smithereens, soonyoung found it in himself to rub your back comfortingly. “i want—” you cut yourself off with another hiccup.

“shhh.” it came out in a daze. the sky looked darker. the stars looked duller. the water wasn’t as bright anymore. “it’s okay. it’s okay.” he didn’t know if he was telling you or himself. “it’s okay.”

soonyoung pulled you into his arms, still rubbing your back as he tucked your head under his chin. he didn’t bother trying to find the right words to tell you; he knew you probably wouldn’t remember any of this. so he allowed himself to feel heartbroken as you wept and hiccuped until eventually, you fell asleep.

and when you did, it was his turn. he silently cried until the sun came up, and when it did, soonyoung gathered you up in his arms and carried you back—only as a friend, to a bed you’d never share.

“it hurt,” he says, tears finally beginning to stream down his face.

soonyoung never shied away from crying in front of you; he did it kind of often. but there’s something especially humiliating about it now. he’s wrapped up in his sadness, and it’s suffocating him, making it hard to speak. he thinks if he does, he might choke on his grief.

“it hurt more than anything i’ve ever felt, y/n,” he says, voice barely above a whisper. he isn’t sure if you heard him, but he can’t bring himself to repeat it.

your hands close over his, where they hold the lapel of his jacket around your shoulders. he doesn’t even know when he took it off to put it on you. loving you was exactly like that—an instinct he didn’t have to think twice about. loving you was just something that happened without his knowledge or permission.

“soonyoung,” you call his name, high and desperate. your defenses have come down. you’re not using that scary voice on him anymore. you’re not bracing yourself. he thinks you should be. “that’s not what i meant. i—”

“it’s okay,” he breathes, so many tears in his eyes, he can barely make out the shape of you. he blinks rapidly to expel them. “i’ve had time to—”

“but if you would just let me ex—”

“there’s nothing to explain,” he interjects softly, eyes coming to you now that he can properly see past his tears. “i stayed around, didn’t i?”

your fight falters and you stop trying to talk over him.

“i stayed for seven more years. if i needed you to explain, i would’ve asked the second you woke up sober.”

your shoulders fall and he knows the rest of your fight has dissipated into the night. the next question you ask almost breaks his resolve. “only seven?”

the question comes out small and quiet and defeated, and soonyoung feels his lips tremble. he rolls them between his teeth to stop himself from telling you something he doesn’t want to say: no, of course not only seven. you’ll have me wrapped around your finger until the day i die.

he takes his hands back from under your hold once he’s absolutely sure he won’t say something that would disappoint the version of him that sat on that beach in siquijor, swearing that he wouldn’t let himself feel that heartbroken in the next decade of his life. 

“i didn’t mind waiting seven more years to see if you would ever return my feelings,” he says instead of answering you, fully aware of how badly his voice wavers as he speaks. “my friends, they told me i was insane for letting my 20s go to waste like that. but to me… if i still got to be around you, still give you experiences and love that made you feel like that’s what you deserved from someone you actually were in love with, then… i can’t see the issue in that. i’d happily wait seven more years. because even if it was seven years of the same longing—and even if it was seven years leading to nothing more, it was still seven years of me being able to show you how well i could…”

he swallows the lump in his throat and fails. he shakes his head and just says what he should’ve told you seven years ago.

“how well i could love you. how much i do love you.”

you look dumbfounded, and if this were any other situation—if soonyoung didn’t feel like he was actually fucking dying—he thinks he’d make fun of you. your eyes are the widest he’s ever seen them, and your mouth is parted like you’re poised to say something but you don’t even know what.

“soonie—” you start.

he doesn’t let you finish. he can’t. he’s so close to ending this—to doing the worst thing he’s ever going to have to do—and if he lets you finish, he’ll lose the courage to walk away.

“i told myself… while you slept in my lap on that beach in siquijor, that if by the time you turned 30, we still hadn’t moved past… this…” he can’t stand the look of horror on your face as you start to process what he’s saying. he looks at the sky behind your head instead. “then, i wouldn’t spend my 30s torturing myself anymore. i’d let you go.”

you don’t let even a millisecond pass before you practically scream: “i don’t want you to let me go!” at him so forcefully, he flinches. “i don’t want you to let me go, you stupid idiot! if that’s what you’ve been doing the last, few weeks, ‘letting me go’—” you make exaggerated air quotes with your fingers and a face that tells him you think he’s ridiculous. it catches him so off-guard, he almost laughs. “—then knock it off!”

you slap his chest to each word to punctuate your point. 

“wh—?” he brings his arm up reflexively to defend himself.

“what i meant to tell you, it came out wrong,” you inform him. his arms slowly fall back to his side as he listens to you as closely as he can. “i didn’t even mean to tell you anything, but if drunk me outed me like that, i need you to know that’s not what i meant.”

the words came out of your mouth in a rush like you thought soonyoung wouldn’t let you say them if you took too long. when he doesn’t say anything in the brief silence, you take a deep breath, obviously trying to steady yourself.

“i was lonely. i was really lonely,” you admit, seeming to remember the feeling more than you did the actual conversation. “and yes, it was because i enjoyed that vacation so much and yes, it was because i wished i could have it with someone i was in love with, but i was having it with someone i was in love with!”

everything in soonyoung’s body tenses, like his own defenses are coming up—like this is some kind of joke and his body is preparing to be laughed at. because you just said you were on vacation with someone you were in love with in the philippines… but you were on vacation with him in the philippines… 

his body braces itself.

“i just meant i wanted it to mean more for both of us,” you continue, hands waving erratically between you to drive your point home. “i wanted to be on vacation with you!” 

your brows furrow and your lips thin as you helplessly fight off a wave of tears he knows is pushing to be released. he knows that when you’re too emotional—whether it’s sadness, joy, rage—you cry, and once you do, you end up blubbering for so long, you usually end up asleep at the end of it.

but still, you bravely fight it off, obviously determined to tell soonyoung what you need to.

“but you as my boyfriend! not you as my best friend! there’s no one else i would’ve wanted to be with, soonyoung!”

he’s glad his body is stiff enough to keep his knees from immediately giving out under him. because all soonyoung wants to do now is fall to the floor and cry. cry because he never thought you’d say these words, because he felt like he was getting back something he lost on the beaches of siquijor, because the two of you wasted a decade dancing around each other instead of just fucking saying something.

“do you think i’ve been single our entire friendship for fun?!” you shriek the question through tears. “do you think it’s fun being the 30-year-old virgin who’s never even kissed anyone?! because it’s not!”

you whined about this often early on in your friendship, but eventually the complaints petered out, and he would drive himself crazy wondering if it was because that changed—if someone else had taken those firsts.

did it happen? 

she would tell me.

right?

no, i’m still a dude. that’s weird, she’d probably tell a girl.

no no, i’m her stupid ass best friend. she would tell me!

oh my god, would she tell me?

what if i just die?

and so the cycle would go. he knows it wasn’t any of his business and that if you had lost those firsts to someone else, that was your prerogative, but still, he feels relieved to hear that isn’t the case.

and he knows he has no right to—not when you haven’t had the proper conversation to hash things out yet—but he suddenly feels an overwhelming possessiveness for you. because he waited for you. no one was ever going to make him stray away from you, so he waited for you—never expecting, just hoping. sorely hoping. and now he knows you waited for him too, and now… now, all he can think about is making you his. all soonyoung can think about now is giving you all the things you abstained from in the hopes you’d have it with him of all people.

it’s what you deserve, isn’t it? for waiting? and isn’t he in the business of giving you what you deserve? his hand twitches, begging him to reach for you and kiss you stupid.

“but i didn’t want anyone else! i wanted you!” you point at him almost violently, and his heart grows too big for his chest. “you waited seven years, but i waited ten! TEN, soonyoung! do you—”

his willpower can only withstand so much. at the end of the day, soonyoung is just a man who’s pathetically in love with you, and hearing you say you wanted him—hearing you confirm you waited your entire friendship just for the chance to have him and be with him and only him—it completely undoes his entire being.

soonyoung’s mouth is on yours before his brain can fully process what’s happening. he feels the shock on your lips for only a moment before you’re moving. despite it being your first kiss, you respond quickly, your body knowing exactly what to do with soonyoung’s like it’s second nature.

you taste like tears and champagne, and even with all the extravagant dinners he’s taken you on and the places around the world you’ve traveled to together, this is the best thing he’s ever tasted. 

soonyoung thinks he’s happy to stand here, kissing you and tasting you and listening to your cute, little breaths against him forever. but then your hands start exploring him—his hips, his waist, his chest, before wrapping around his neck and bringing him in to kiss you even deeper. and he knows immediately that all the strength he mustered up to deal with tonight is gone. the moan that comes up his throat is loud and bordering on obscene, but you smile upon taking it into your own mouth, as if you’re feeding on his desire. as if you love the taste of it.

soonyoung doesn’t wait after that. he can’t wait after that. without letting your lips separate, he guides you back into his room, careful to keep you from tripping over the threshold and all the crap he left on the floor when he was busy having his pity parties.

he lays you in his bed gently, thankful that even though it’s unmade, he at least had the housekeeper wash his sheets. he lays on top of you, trying not to let his weight crush you, but when you wrap your arms around him, you press him to your body as close as it can possibly go, and after he releases his entire weight on you, you hold him like even that still isn’t close enough.

it’s all so much. after spending so long hoping you’d one day want him even a fraction as much as he wants you, tasting the excitement on you and feeling the adoration in your hands as they feel every surface of his body they could reach—it’s so much. 

it wears down his self-restraint. 

you don’t seem to mind, though, because when he runs his tongue along your lips, asking permission for more, you open your mouth immediately. and when his tongue slips in and meets yours, the moan he gets back is so loud and uninhibited and hot, he feels it in his dick.

you giggle a little, and though you recover quickly and continue trying to make out with him after that, the sound delights him enough that he stops to look at you. your makeup is tear stained and your eyes are still a little red, but you look worlds different than you did just a few minutes ago. there’s no tightness in your smile, no devastation in your eyes, no anger furrowed into your brows. when he looks at you this close, he realizes he’s never seen you this happy, this excited, or this light—like you’ve been relieved of a burden that was too heavy for you. but really, the most different thing about you now is that you just look like you’re his.

“what’s so funny, hm?” he asks, resting his forehead on yours. at the start of this night, he didn’t think he would ever hear you giggle again. 

“nothing,” you claim, even though your voice still has traces of amusement somewhere in there. your hand snakes up into his hair and starts scratching his scalp. he hums at the sensation. “i love you, soonyoung.”

he lifts his forehead to look at you. it’s his millionth time hearing you say that. it’s the first time he’s hearing it in the context he’s wished to hear it for the last decade. 

you love him. you love him. you love him.

“i’ve always loved you,” you announce unabashedly. “from the very start.”

in retrospect, the proper thing to do would’ve been to tell you he loved you too—so much that he didn’t even know how to process it well enough to attempt to put it into words. but instead, he pushes himself off you, slightly ashamed that your confession made his dick go from semi-hard to rock hard in record time, but insanely elated (and painfully and obviously turned on) at the idea of you having spent your entire friendship loving him just as much. 

when he sits back, his pants uncomfortably pull against his erection, and he winces, glancing down at it and silently scolding it to stop embarrassing him and have some goddamn decorum. 

he clears his throat and looks back at you, where you’re now propped up on your elbows, smiling at his crotch like it’s already yours. it ruins him.

soonyoung is going to tell you he loves you. and sure, you already know because he already did, but now he gets to tell you knowing you feel the same. so he’s going to tell you, and he’s going to say it over and over and over again, but once he does, he gets the feeling that he won’t want to stop at just kissing you.

he knows it’s probably a lot—to go from what you were to… this, and on top of that, lose your first kiss. and even though you made it clear that he’s the only reason you even remained a virgin, he doesn’t want to assume you’re ready to do something as big as have sex for the first time tonight too.

soonyoung wishes he could be a bigger person than the horny teenager he feels like right now. he wishes he could stop this for the both of you and insist on having a conversation first before things get any further like a proper adult would. but you want him and you love him, and it’s driving him absolutely fucking crazy, and if he gets any harder, his dick is going to start hurting.

“how far?” he asks, his voice so pathetically needy, he wants to die. “i don’t want you to feel rushed or pressured. i just…” he falters, trying to find a way to say this without making it sound like it’s all he wants from you. “we wasted so much time.” not a great start. “and i—”

“all the way,” you say, a coy smile on your lips when you interrupt him. his pants stretch even tighter. 

it’s clear he was worrying for nothing; from the way you look at him, he knows you understand what he’s desperately trying to say and failing. 

he watches you with heavy-lidded eyes as you lay yourself back down and wrap your legs around his torso, doing nothing when your already short dress rides all the way up to expose you. 

“please,” you add on so sweetly, he groans. he won’t be lasting long at all tonight.

soonyoung rests his hands on your thighs, thumbs instinctively rubbing circles into the soft skin there as he tries to take a moment to process everything in front of him. he knows if he doesn’t, the excitement will paint over his memories with zero remorse, and all he’ll remember is that it happened—not what he said, did, or heard. and this is absolutely something he needs to remember. 

he has to remember the way your knees quickly and easily fall apart and away from each other at his touch—almost like they’re sighing in relief at his arrival. he has to remember how your lower back arches and your pelvis wriggles underneath his fingertips before he’s even really done anything to you. soonyoung’s gaze rakes over your figure, taking note of every, little thing he can, when finally, they land on something that lays his fears to rest. 

because there is no way he’ll ever forget the moment his eyes found the space between your legs. he stares at you now—right on the spot where your panties are already drenched with your arousal. soonyoung doesn’t care how overwhelming his excitement is right now; there is simply no possible way his brain will be able to gloss over this no matter how many years pass: the moment he saw physical evidence of just how much you craved him and needed him. how much you’ve deprived yourself of him.

and now, he gets to give you anything and everything you want from him.

his hands begin to travel up your thighs, goosebumps following the trail of his fingertips. he stops just shy of your cunt, trying to breathe deeply enough to calm his thunderous heartbeat. if he gets too lost in this, he’ll cum in his pants, and he will never forgive himself. 

he stares hard at your desire, just barely able to keep from screaming when he realizes the dark spot is slowly growing the longer he sits there, unmoving. you squirm under him, and his hands involuntarily squeeze in response. your thighs are plush in his grasp, so full and beautiful, your flesh is forcing its way into the spaces between his fingers and turning white from hard he grips you.

don’t fucking cum right now, you loser, he thinks hard to himself. you cannot cum before anything happens during your first time with y/n. he exhales deeply and slowly. i will literally kill you if you cum right now.

he’s so tempted to look you in the eye just to see if you’re struggling even a fraction of the amount that he is, but he knows eye contact with you right now will just set his progress back. 

when he’s mostly confident he won’t immediately finish in his pants, he has to swallow the idiotic smile that threatens to take over his entire face. finally, soonyoung gives in and he moves. just one finger, pressed against the part of your panties that sinks just a tiny bit more than the rest—right where he plans to be in the next few minutes, stuffing you full as far as he’ll go. 

as soon as you feel his fingertip brush against your entrance, your hole pulses like it’s trying to clamp around something bigger than his finger that isn’t there. he feels some of the control he has on that pathetic smile of his slip, and as if it’s an avalanche, the rest of his control comes crashing down. without thinking about it, his finger sinks the tiniest bit deeper as he drags it up your slit, the wetness from your panties catching on his skin ever so slightly.

when his finger finds and presses on your clit, you begin uncontrollably writhing and gasping beneath him, and his eyes tear themselves away from your cunt long enough to finally meet your gaze. you look at him with so much lust and love and longing—all of it so loudly desperate—he completely loses track of where his finger is and what it’s doing. all he wants to do is latch his lips onto yours again and say what he should’ve at least ten times by now: that he loves you.

so instead of rubbing your clit until he teases your first orgasm out of you like he planned to, he removes his hand from your center so that he can lean forward and kiss you senseless. but as soon as his touch leaves you, a strangled whine forces its way up your throat and past your lips, making him laugh immediately. 

“what?” you ask, your eyes narrowing at him. it should invoke fear in him, but he’s too endeared for that. “why are you laughing?! did i do something embarrassing?”

soonyoung scoffs as he brings himself over you. “‘embarrassing’? no, baby.” he rolls his eyes. “your neediness is not ‘embarrassing.’ it’s fucking hot.”

you turn the prettiest shade of pink. “shut up.”

he grins. “gladly.”

soonyoung kisses your nose, enjoying the shade of pink it turned under your blush. then, he kisses your lips, just for a moment so that he can lean back and look you in the eye when he says:

“i love you. i love you so god damn much, i thought i was going to die having to leave you.”

he knows it’s dramatic, but he was convinced that’s exactly what was happening to him not even an hour ago. the thought of doing life without you by his side made everything look and feel so colorless and dull and boring and ugly. dead was as good a word as any to describe what his life would look like without you. 

“you’re not leaving me,” you say so matter-of-factly, the smile it brings to his face hurts his cheeks. he was so dumb to think he could; even if he had all the strength in the world to end your friendship, you would’ve never let him off the hook that easily. 

“i’m not,” he says. 

soonyoung gets to work covering you in as many kisses as humanly possible, his lips pressing against your mouth, jaw, neck, collarbone—wherever you have skin, his lips are all over it. your gasps and moans reach a fever pitch, and he figures it’s time to stop making you wait. 

“you tell me if you want to stop, okay?” he asks, lips brushing against your ears as he speaks. “and we’ll stop, no questions asked.” 

you nod so eagerly—so obediently—he can’t help but smirk. his tongue darts out to lick your lobe and bring it between his teeth to nip at before he starts kissing his way down your body. 

“you sound so pretty,” he tells you as you continue to make sure he knows exactly how good you feel. all moans and groans and whispered begging. “exactly how i imagined you’d sound.” his lips graze your already hard nipples through the fabric of your dress and he earns another loud whimper. “fuck, even better actually.”

he pulls your dress down and off one shoulder to expose the breast he was just teasing, and when he sees you bare, he hangs his head, letting his forehead meet your chest as he grunts loudly. 

what is my life? he thinks to himself. this is literally insane.

soonyoung flattens his tongue against your nipple, and you inhale sharply, your hips immediately bucking up. he doesn’t realize his eyes have fluttered closed until he opens them to look at you and make sure you’re okay. from the way your eyes roll into the back of your head and your mouth hangs open in dazed ecstasy, he thinks it’s safe to assume you’re okay.

“soonyoung.”

god, his name sounds so good when you say it, especially when you say it like this.

“fuck,” he grumbles against your tit. he swears his dick is throbbing from how hard you have him.

“lower! please, god, lower!” you order him. 

“whatever you want,” he breathes against your skin. 

but he’s not moving before he has the chance to leave a tiny, little something that can lay claim to you—something only he and you will see. he presses his hand against the side of your breast, groaning at how full you are in his palm. he leans down and bites into the flesh just above your nipple. your hips jerk up as he sucks on the spot just long enough that he knows it will stay a few days. he smiles when he releases you, the hickey already turning a beautiful purple. 

“pretty,” he mutters. he wants to cover you in them. he kisses the mark gently before removing the other strap of your dress. 

with the bottom of your dress completely ridden up and the top half bunched around your waist, you’re almost completely naked, and already, soonyoung can hardly refrain from jumping off his bed and running around the room screaming.

fucking breathe, bro.

he gently lifts your hips up and off the bed so that he can slip both your dress and your ruined panties off your body in one go. once he does, all the refraining he’s been doing tonight comes to a brusque end. 

“oh my god!” he shouts, burying his face into your clothes and groaning into them. “i can’t believe this is my life right now, oh my god.” 

soonyoung presses your clothes against his eyes so hard, he thinks he should see stars, but still, all he can see are your perfect tits and your bare, glistening cunt and the sensual look in your eyes like they’re all forever burned into his retinas. or maybe his eyes are open?

he blinks and brings your clothes down just enough to be able to take a peek at you. nope, the image of your naked body in his bed are definitely just burned into his eyeballs. 

“oh my god, i really have you naked in my bed right now, oh my god oh my god oh my god.” he probably says it 20 more times. he’s not sure. 

“soonyoung!” you berate his behavior the way you always do. he smiles into your dress because even as everything is literally changing before his eyes… nothing has. you’re still his best friend, pretending to get mad at him for being silly. he knows from the fond way you look at him that you aren’t mad at all. “focus! come on, you’re just teasing me now. please.”

“okay, okay!” he says, voice muffled by your dress. “i’m so sorry, i’m not trying to tease you, i swear. i just…” he stammers, unable to stop the whole bunch of nothing that comes spilling out of his mouth. “i’m—just, i—it’s just, like… what?” the question comes out as a laugh. “y’know?” 

you raise an eyebrow at him and he realizes he isn’t really sure what he’s asking you. 

“like, what the actual fuck?” he adds like that will help explain. 

you groan. “it’s crazy how quickly you go from sex god to loser.”

soonyoung feels his face immediately fall into a glare—one you’re used to seeing whenever you two bicker. “you know…” he says, eyes narrowed at you. “my favorite thing about you has always been your patience.”

he throws your clothes aside, hands going to his shirt to begin unbuttoning it. 

“good thing i have a lot of it then,” you claim. your bratty smirk falls right off your face as you watch him slowly undress. 

“right.”

when he shrugs his shirt off and lets it join your clothes on the floor, your eyes widen like you’re seeing him shirtless for the first time. your eyes sweep up and down his torso, your chest heaving as you begin to breathe harder, and it almost makes him shy—almost makes him want to hug himself and jokingly tell you to stop ogling him like a piece of meat. but he also enjoys it more than anything. 

so many times you’ve been half naked together, wearing swimsuits at the beach or at the pool, and although he’s relished having your eyes on him before, this feels different. you stare at him shamelessly now, making no move to avert your eyes the way you used to. this is where he would make a joke to lighten the mood—to give you an out from a situation you might feel caged in by. 

this time, he just allows himself the space to revel in this feeling of being adored. 

“wait,” you say suddenly when he stands up off the bed and his hands start undoing his belt. you crawl over to him, completely naked, and he thinks he might have a heart attack watching you on all fours like this. 

“change your mind? it’s fine if you do,” he assures you, already fastening his belt before his dick can get any more ideas about where the night is going. 

“no,” you laugh as you rest your hands on top of his. “i’m not going to change my mind, soonie.”

you sound as sure as he does about this. it relaxes him immediately. you smile at him before you press your naked body against his, tangle your hands in his hair, and bring his face down to lock lips with you again. he holds you delicately as your tongues slide against each other—different from how he’s pressed, tugged, and groped at you tonight. he forces himself to be gentler. he forces himself to slow down and enjoy the feeling of being in love with you openly. 

he says as much. “i love you. oh my god, i love you. holy shit.”

“don’t start with the loser behavior again, please,” you mutter against the kiss. he wants to laugh, but he doesn’t dare leave your lips. “but i love you too.”

soonyoung doesn’t think he’ll get tired of hearing it. the past 10 years of his life have led up to this moment. it will take so much more than that for him to ever get used to the feeling of you telling him you love him.

he rests his forehead against yours and smiles. “i’m so happy.”

“me too, soonie.”

he watches as your hands leave his hair and travel down his chest, taking their time to trace every line and curve of every muscle. you finish the job of undoing his belt and unbuttoning his jeans, and that’s about all he can take before he decides it’s time to stop holding back. 

before you can even touch his zipper, he grabs your face and kisses you roughly, tongue twisting with yours immediately. he kisses you like he’s held his breath for 10 years and you’re air. you kiss him back the same, exact way. 

he finishes undressing, kicking his pants away and wasting no time picking you up, your legs wrapping around his waist as he does. his cock twitches violently once it’s sandwiched between you and his stomach, and he has you laying back in his bed in mere seconds. 

our bed, a voice in his head reminds him. a bed we can share. if you want.

when you tear yourself away from him to catch your breath, your eyes immediately go south, and he doesn’t have to follow your gaze to know what you’re gaping at. 

“see something you like?”

you don’t even pretend to hear what he said. “uh, what?”

it inflates his ego to unprecedented levels, but he doesn’t gloat and annoy you the way he usually would. mostly because his laughs are cut off with your frantic begging. 

“soonyoung,” you whisper so suddenly and seriously, he freezes. “put it in me.”

the order catches him by so much surprise, he laughs even harder than before. “i can’t just put it in you.”

you shove him and he pushes off the bed to put some space in between you. he looks at you, amused. “what?! what do you mean you can’t just put it in me?” you sound the most offended he’s ever heard you. “is that not how sex works? you put that in me? like… over and over again?

“baby, please,” his laughs are bordering on uncontrollable wheezing. “you’re making this so unsexy.”

“you made it unsexy first!” you complain. “put it in me, soonyoung!”

he wants to keep pretending that this is incredibly unsexy, but this exchange, however goofy, is just making him want to fuck you even more. “stop saying that!”

“why?! you keep making me wait!” 

the way you complain and beg makes soonyoung briefly forget that you’re losing your virginity, and he isn’t letting that happen without proper foreplay first—without getting at least one orgasm out of you.

“pu—”

before you can tell him to put it in you again, he presses his hand against your mouth. “okay!” he says, raising his voice to drown out your muffled pleas. “okay! shhh. relax, and i will. alright?” your eyes widen and he feels a burn in his stomach when he sees the submission in them. you nod. “good girl.”

you moan into his hand and grind your hips up into his. 

“oh, you like that?” he asks, smirking. all you do is squirm more. 

he releases your mouth, and when you stay silent on your own accord—so willingly compliant—he thinks there are a few things he’d like to try in bed later on down the line.

soonyoung plants a wet kiss on your lips before he rests his hand against your neck, eyes watching as you swallow underneath his fingertips. he thinks you look pretty like this: bare throat adorned by his fingers. he has a passing thought to ask you if you would ever be into being choked, but there’s no fucking way he’d do that during your first time having sex. he lets the thought go, making note of it for a later time. 

“so pretty,” he says, finger tapping your lower lip. when you take his finger into your mouth all the way, sucking it and releasing it with a pop, he has to spend a few moments reminding himself he can’t cum already. “jesus christ…” he sighs. he needs to move fast or he will be embarrassing himself tonight. “let me know if i do anything you don’t like, okay?”

you nod quickly—impatiently. your enthusiasm stutters when he doesn’t immediately “put it in” like you’ve been begging. you frown as he pulls away again, but when he settles with his head between your legs, your tune changes immediately. 

“oh.”

soonyoung has dreamed about this moment for so long. he’s had obscene, vulgar thoughts about you—thoughts he would touch himself to. he’s spent an embarrassing amount of nights moaning your name while vigorously grinding into his fist, and all it took for him to cum was the thought of tasting you. he didn’t even have to think about fucking into your pussy or how wet you would be or how warm you would feel—all he thought about was eating you out until you came all over his face, and that would do it for him. 

if he was looking to get a quick orgasm, maybe release some frustration from a day spent hanging out with you, he’d just rub one out in the shower. but if it was one of those nights he was tossing and turning, thinking about how much he loved you and how much he wanted you to be his, he’d throw his blankets off, grab a bottle of lotion, a box of tissues, and sometimes, when he was feeling especially depraved, his favorite photos he’s taken of you. there was something about looking at photos no one else has seen of you—no matter how ordinary or innocent—that turned him on.

his daydreams always started with getting you sinfully wet. yes, with your own arousal, but with his spit too. he’d massage it into your clit, mixing the both of you and your pleasures together until your hips are bucking and shoving your needy cunt in his face. then, he’d give in and lap your clit gently and the first taste would send his eyes rolling into the back of his head. he would try to stay cool and composed, but realistically, he knew tasting you would send him into a frenzy. 

he’d already be close by this point in his fantasies, whining and groaning, his phone and photos of you long forgotten because he has to squeeze his eyes shut to keep from coming before he could finish playing everything out in his head.  

because soonyoung couldn’t cum before his favorite part: when he would imagine shoving his face as far in between your legs as he could, extending his tongue as far into you as humanly possible. you’d say his name the way no one has ever said his name. you’d pull at his hair until he was sure you were permanently damaging all of his follicles. sometimes, he’d immediately cum after this. other times, he’d be able to at least get to the part where he starts fucking you with his fingers. 

on lucky days, he would reach the end of his dreams. by this time, he’d be feverishly tugging on his cock, a mess of sweat and whimpers of your name as he thought about you squirting all over his face. he would drink you up like it’s the fucking elixir of life. you would make the filthiest mess of his face—chin dripping, cheeks sticky, lips swollen and covered in you—and he would thank you for it and beg for more. of course, more would never come because he would make a mess of his own hand after that. 

he always felt like a pervert after—always felt so guilty picturing his best friend like this and doing something so dirty with you in mind—but the next night would come and the next night and the next, and he couldn’t think of anything else. anyone else. 

and as lewd and impure and delicious and downright euphoric as his fantasies were, nothing could have prepared him for how much fucking better the real thing would feel. how much better the real you would taste. 

by the time you cum on his face, not once but twice, he knows this is something he can do for the rest of his life. he would never even need you to fuck him or blow him or give him a handjob; all he literally needs is to devour your cunt any time you’d grant him the privilege to and he’d be a happy man for the rest of his life. 

you’re still panting, chest heaving from your orgasms, when soonyoung climbs up over you once more and wraps his arms around your waist, kissing, nipping, licking, and whispering i-love-yous from your collarbone and up until he reaches your lips. he kisses you lightly just in case you don’t want to put your lips on him after he just ate you out, but when you deepen the kiss and hug him even closer, he thinks you might actually like the taste of you on his mouth. 

“soonie,” you eventually whisper against him. 

“mmm?” 

you say something that he’s been wanting to hear for a decade. you confirm something he’s been desperately searching for signs of for your entire friendship. “i want to be yours. i want to be yours so bad.”

he stops peppering you with kisses and watches you carefully, like this all might still be a hallucination that will fade if he gets too lost in the moment. but you remain where you are, looking at him with as much love as he imagines he’s always looked at you. tears gather in your eyes, some escaping the corners. he catches every single one that does, pressing it back into your skin with his finger. 

when you give him a small smile to tell him you’re okay—that these are just tears of happiness—he leans in, presses his cheek to yours, and promises you, “then i’ll make you mine.”

just being inside you is enough to make soonyoung want to cry. he does his absolute fucking best not to because you already are and he doesn’t want you to think of anything other than yourself and your pleasure during your first time. but he wants to cry as he buries his face into your neck and slowly pushes into you, only moving whenever you say it’s okay to.

when he woke up today, he did it with swollen eyes from a night spent crying over you. he tortured himself all day, thinking about how every last time he had with you was the last and he didn’t even know it—the last laugh he heard, the last smile he saw, the last time you bickered with him, the last time you told him you loved him. he steeled himself to face your tears or your screaming or whatever else you did to him when he ended your friendship. 

at the start of the day, soonyoung was preparing for his life to be over—for you to take every good thing he’s ever had and felt with you when he forced you to walk away.

now, he’s fully buried inside you, forehead resting against yours as you both struggle to adjust to the overwhelming feeling of each other. it’s when you tell soonyoung that after 10 years, there’s nothing that will change your mind about him, that he finally moves. 

“oh fuck,” he breathes as he starts rolling his hips, cock dragging in and out of you in an astonishingly seamless fit. “your cunt is perfect.”

you bloom at the praise, and you don’t shy away from returning it, chanting his name over and over again, whispers of how good he feels wherever you can fit them in between—how good he is for you, how he was made for you. 

“y/n,” he gasps. he tries to tell you that if you keep saying his name like this—like he’s yours—he’s going to cum inside you. but all that comes out is: “oh my god.”

and all you say is “soonyoung” again and again and again. he’s never put any thought into his birth-given name, but tonight, he decides it’s his favorite string of letters. he never wants to hear you say anyone else’s name. he never wants anyone other than you to say his name. it’s yours and yours alone. 

at some point, he can tell you can handle even more, and he pushes up off you, using the headboard as leverage as he pounds into you harder and rougher, rhythm becoming erratic and frenzied. the noises that come out of your mouth are so nasty, he’s on the brim of losing it. 

“oh my god. look at you,” he pants, his sweat dripping from his face, his neck, and his chest onto you. a drop lands on the corner of your mouth, and without hesitating, your tongue darts out to lick it up, and he groans.

it’s too much: your neediness, your obedience, your eagerness. your tits—one sporting his hickey—bouncing wildly as he fucks you at a brutal pace. your unbelievably tight cunt, sucking his cock in so desperately, near-strangling it and refusing to let him go. 

“so fucking perfect,” he tells you. 

you make it clear that you’re not lasting long—that your third orgasm is on the horizon. it’s a bittersweet realization; on one hand, he’s relieved because he’s been holding his own orgasm off since his tongue met your clit. on the other, he never wants to stop fucking you. 

but this is just the start, he tries to remind himself. this is just the first time, and there will be so many more now—now that you’re his and he’s yours. 

your voice rings loudly in his ears again. i want to be yours so bad.

his voice is hoarse when he asks, “do you feel like you’re mine yet?”

you nod frantically, pussy squeezing tightly around him like the thought is pushing you even closer to finishing. “yes, god, yes. yes!” 

“say it,” he demands, eyes never leaving yours. he can’t look away when you look like you would say or do anything for him. 

“i’m yours,” you say immediately. “soonie… i’m yours, soonyoung.” his name comes out in a tortured whimper. 

“i never want to hear another name come out of your mouth ever again,” he declares. “ah, fuck, holy shit. you feel so fucking good, baby. just for me, huh? oh fuck.” his orgasm is begging to be released, but he refuses to let up until you reach yours. “you’re mine. and i’m yours.”

you barely finish agreeing and calling soonyoung “mine” when your pussy is suddenly and violently quivering around him, pulsing and throbbing as you ride through your third orgasm of the night. the feeling of your climax squeezing around soonyoung is unreal, and he pulls out just in time to avoid coming inside of you, painting your beautiful, soft skin with his bliss. 

it feels like it lasts forever, the spurts of white splattering you. he thinks he could get hard again when you let your mouth hang open and catch some of him on your tongue.

“holy shit,” he breathes when he’s tugged himself dry, leaning back and trying to catch his breath. he feels drops of sweat sliding down his body everywhere, his muscles burning deliciously. 

soonyoung looks down at you and is pleased to see you covered with him: his cum, his sweat, his spit. he made good on his promise. if you don’t look like his right now, he has no idea what you look like.

“c’mere,” you whine, reaching for him with grabby hands when you have no energy to sit up and actually take hold of him. 

he smiles and leans in to kiss you, before retrieving a towel from the bathroom to clean you both up with. 

for the rest of the night, you two stay tangled up in each other’s arms and talk about when you fell in love.

you: when you first met him. 

him: when you first walked into the room.

neither of you know if the other is telling the truth or if you’re just trying to win the i-loved-you-first competition (you’re both telling the truth). 

you talk about what the future looks like. you decide you don’t know for sure, but one thing you’re confident about is that you’ll be facing it together. one thing soonyoung is sure about is that he’ll be making you his wife.

you ask if you can make your anniversary two days from now so it doesn’t land on your birthday. soonyoung asks if you can make it two days prior so that he can forget that he was trying to leave you on your 30th birthday. you agree. 

you both run through every big moment either of you can remember being so hopelessly in love with each other, it hurt and what the other person was thinking at that moment. for every memory of yours soonyoung can remember, he’s able to tell you he was suffering just as much as you were. the same is true for you. for every memory he can’t remember, he feels like a kid, giggling and kicking his feet in bed with you hearing about how you were equally, pathetically down bad for him.

your birthday party is long forgotten, traded for an intimate night getting to know each other in drastically different ways than you did as best friends. soonyoung feels like he’s meeting you for the first time again—a privilege he never thought he would be afforded ever again. aside from learning what you liked from your time in his bed tonight, he learns a lot.

like for one, you actually are very into physical affection, something soonyoung thought you didn’t like displaying since you were constantly shoving him away; you just avoided it because it exacerbated your feelings for him and blurred the lines too much for you. in fact, you stay burrowed into his side the entire night, whining any time he moved a tiny bit away, even when it was just to adjust his position or reach to turn off the lamp. you love playing with his hair and tracing little patterns on his chest (he thinks one of the things you traced was your names together). you constantly thread his fingers with yours and when you get tired of that, you still keep your pinkies linked.

he learns you love hanging out at his apartment more than you like the fancy dinners. you feel the most at home with him when you’re actually home with him. you tell him your favorite nights are when you’re in charge of placing a food delivery order at his place while he unwinds from his workday, showering and changing (and unbeknownst to you, probably jacking off in the shower to make sure he doesn’t accidentally get hard while you two hang out). you say it feels like you’re his wife and this is your home too. the sentiment is enough to make him tear up, and you, of course, tease him mercilessly once a fat teardrop lands on your head.

by the time the sun is rising, soonyoung realizes you both have rewritten siquijor in the confines of his bedroom. all the miscommunication (or absolute lack thereof) and the pain and heartbreak have been replaced. from where you two lay in bed, he watches the sun’s rays start to reach into the sky, turning it stunning shades of orange, pink, purple, and blue, and for the first time in seven years, he doesn’t cringe away from it and the feelings of loneliness it used to bring. he doesn’t feel heartbroken all over again like he used to.

this time, the sun rises, and soonyoung feels so ridiculously happy. you quietly watch the sky with him, and he thinks you know what he’s thinking of as you continuously trace hearts, one after the other, never-ending, into his skin.

“it’s a new day,” you say quietly.

“it is,” he agrees, his heart full. “it’s a new day, and i love you even more than i did yesterday.”

you hug him tighter to you even though there is literally no space between you.

“i love you, soonie.” you yawn. “is it time to say good night?”

“it’s morning, baby.”

“no, we didn’t go to sleep. it’s definitely still night.”

he grins and doesn’t bother arguing with that logic. he moves to get out of bed, but you immediately lock your arms so he can’t. he snorts. “i’m just going to pull the curtains so we can sleep.”

you sigh like it’s still an inconvenience, but you release him all the same. “fine. you should get, like, a remote for them or something. isn’t that what rich people do?”

he rolls his eyes as he gets up and closes the curtains, bidding the sunrise—the best of his life—a farewell for now. “rich people stay rich by not buying things they don’t need, baby.”

“i don’t think so,” you disagree, arms opening again for soonyoung to lay back in.

“you know what, whatever you say,” he says as you kiss all the skin you can reach from where you hug him. he preens at the feeling. “you’re always right.”

you hum, smiling against him. “good boyfriend.”

“soon-to-be husband,” he mutters before yawning.

you giggle the same way you have been every time he’s corrected you tonight. “soonie-be-husband.”

he scoffs. “boo,” he heckles you. “bad! get off the stage!” you laugh harder, and it coaxes a soft smile out of him as he watches you.

“best friend” doesn’t seem like such a bad title in this moment anymore. he thinks he gets it now that he’s able to call you even more than that; it’s such an honor to be able to be both your boyfriend and your best friend now. it’s such an honor to be able to build something more on a foundation of friendship as strong as the one he shares with you.

when the laughter subsides, you both sigh, sinking into the bed further and getting comfortable.

“good night, love of mine,” he says, kissing the top of your head.

“mine,” you repeat like you can’t get enough of the sound of it. “yours.”

soonyoung smiles and his eyes flutter closed with exhaustion, thoughts bleary but still painted with you and the last 10 years as he starts to drift off to sleep. if this is what he gets to have now, whatever pain he withstood and however much time he wasted is nothing to him—just a moot point in the story you’ll both tell for years to come.

he dreams of you two in siquijor that night, this time both of you sober and wrapped in each other and in love, with the rest of your lives ahead of you.

bonus (performance unit group chat):

[dollypopup]

honestly? I think Antonia and Luke are really cute together

Now, let it be known I am NOT a shipper, and I'm not following her or digging into anything. Everything I know is basically through osmosis when people tag stuff about it in the spaces I actually follow, and I think shipping real people who I will never know is weird and invasive, so let's get that clear

however, considering the narrative they've shown us, they seem like a pretty healthy couple. As furious as people get about them (and honestly, it's JUST because Antonia isn't Nicola, and thus many fans can't project onto her the way they do with Nicola), I think it's sweet that they turn work events into dates. I don't see what people are spouting about how she's 'fame hungry' or 'using him'. The woman was wide-eyed at BOSS. When they walked out of the car, she seemed entirely floored. And who wouldn't be? You're being subject to constant flash photography and tons of people demanding things of you. But they showed up, had a good time, and then went back to eat pasta in bed. At his other work events, like BAFTAs pre-party or the actual ceremony, they seem to make a time of it. Cuddling up, holding hands, giving cheek smooches.

I mean. . .come on. She's coming with him to a work event. No matter how glamorous it may look to us, it's still a work event. A work event in which she will often be left on her lonesome. But she gets dressed up and she comes with him and she makes a time of it. They get their pictures taken as a couple professionally, wear cute clothes, eat nice food, and hold hands. That's sweet!!!

Whilst I do not know her, what I DO know is what she's faced, and this woman stuck around through horrible vitriol from the fanbase, constant misogyny, insults about her body, her work, her very existence. They attacked her on her personal instagram pages, went after her family, made up malicious rumors about her, misgendered her, body shamed her. She watched what felt like the whole world want her boyfriend with another woman. She's a civilian. This is not a celebrity who is accustomed to fielding that kind of situation.

But she stayed.

That is capital L Loyalty, okay? Like, she must really, genuinely like him. And I'll be real: I'd stick it out for Luke, too, I mean, the man is a gem, but if this isn't baptism by fire, I do not know WHAT would be. People talk about 'oh, where are the real ones? There are no more real ones anymore'- I think she's a real one. As a woman who dates other women, if she put up with as much as Antonia did, and decided to stand by me? You don't let go of her. That's pretty rare.

Because what has she actually gotten out of the whole situation? Is she suddenly rich? Getting all these jobs? Has magazine covers and exclusive interviews? No. She seems to be making her life out of her own merit for the most part. I mean, people make fun of her being a working dancer and model picking up the less glamorous gigs, but what is that BUT making her life of her own merit? That's what most dancers DO. No, mostly what she's gotten out of it all is abusive commentary and a need for a much more private life- but on the other hand, she got a relationship with him. If that's not devotion, idk???

But even if she DID get a few gigs from his connections- so what? What would be SO wrong with that? There's no proof she has, but why would it be horrible? That's what networking and making connections IS. Luke's known for giving his loved ones a hand. He's been given one from them, too. This is a man who couchsurfed in his best friend's apartment, bartending to make ends meet. He knows what it's like to go without, so why would it be such a bad thing for him to help out someone he cares about? I'm not saying he has, but after everything she's had to deal with, yeah, I think she's well within her rights to be cheesing on a red carpet getting her face smooched for the world to see. Good for her! All things considered, they seem like a couple who spends a lot of personal time together, vacations, date nights, running errands, who make the most of the situation they're in. They're loved up, happy, hot people attending events together. Most couples are significantly worse in real life.

idk, from where I'm sitting, people have made all these assumptions to build their meanspirited narrative on. This idea that Luke is so hungry for fame, and so Antonia is, too. But I think @rainybraindays put it best.

"They are not "begging for the camera" they're attractive, and hes popular so photographers at these events know they can get a good deal on their work that features them. Theres no nda or blackmail, they're just a more lowkey couple, likely because neither seemed to be really searching for the fame, shes just dating a guy she cares for, and hes just pursuing his passion and hit big"

People are so harsh and critical of these two. First it's 'he wouldn't claim her!' (like luggage. the misogyny of it all) Now it's 'ugh, she's everywhere'. First it's 'she's evil and using him' then it's 'what he's put that poor girl through!' but the reality is, no matter those criticisms and bullying, they're happy with each other, and they've decided their relationship is pretty serious

And honestly they're really cute together

Fight me

[wrestlingwreck]

LivDom's Problems

This is probably more of a vent post than anything else, but I said I would make a post about this at some point, so here it is. If you're a LivDom fan you're gonna wanna scroll past this.

Right off the bat I'm going to disclose that I am a RheaDom and L4B truther, but this post isn't about them. I'm going to do my best to view LivDom in a vacuum, without comparing them to other ships, except where it would be unavoidably relevant.

I also want to say that I have no issue with Liv or Dom as characters. I actually love both of them as SEPARATE ENTITIES. My problems begin and end with them as a couple. Also, this is in no way meant to hate on LivDom fans. I'm not going to tag this as LivDom because anyone scrolling through that tag probably doesn't want to see posts against them. This is purely an opinion.

Also, I know it's all kayfabe, but I'm treating it like it's real, because it's more fun that way.

With that said, I'm going to start with my most biased point, as it's based mainly on personal preference.

1. PDA

The amount of PDA shown by this couple is something I find to be uncomfortable, but more than that, it feels too showy, like they're overcompensating for the cameras. They're constantly hanging off each other, rubbing noses, making suggestive comments, and using pet names. It's Like they have to PROVE that they're a real, happy couple.

Additionally, Liv's insistence on calling Dom 'Daddy' is just... gross. I'm not against Mommy/Daddy kinks- some could even say I understand the appeal- but it crosses the line when someone calls their partner that in public in what is clearly supposed to be a sexual manner. I don't want to be forced to hear a woman call a man Daddy, and I don't know many people that do.

Also- and this is again more down to preference- you will never show me this man and convince me that he is 'Daddy.'

2. How They Started

Dominik and Liv literally got together because Dominik CHEATED ON RHEA WITH LIV IN FRONT OF HER AFTER SABOTAGING HER TITLE MATCH. Regardless of your feelings on RheaDom, that is deeply wrong. It also establishes a pattern of behavior.

We always knew that Dominik is a slimy little weasel- it's one of the funniest things about him. He betrayed his family for the Judgment Day, then betrayed Rhea for Liv. It isn't out of the question that he will eventually betray Liv for someone else.

Namely, another champion.

I'm not saying that this would ever actually happen, but it goes to further my point. When Tiffany essentially hit on Dom when talking about cashing in her briefcase, he didn't look uncomfortable or annoyed.

He looked... intrigued.

Until, that is, Liv looked back at him and he realized that his girlfriend might be upset.

It wasn't exactly the reaction of someone who is unquestionably loyal to Liv, is all I'm saying

3. His Reasoning

To start, I'm just going to quote Dominik verbatim as to why he chose Liv over her.

"Now, I got a girl that calls me Daddy. She gives me tendies whenever I want, she lets me play video games whenever I want, she lets me be me. And, she did something you could never do- finally helping me beat my deadbeat dad."

Does this sound like someone who chose Liv because he just loves her so, so much? Or does this sound like a spoiled child talking about why he wants his babysitter to be his real mom?

He only talks about what Liv does/did for him. He doesn't say that she's kind/smart/courageous. He focuses on her physical appeal and how she indulges him.

He also claims that he was embarrassed to call Rhea 'Mami,' but the first time he does it is of his own volition, and Rhea seemed visibly surprised when it happened.

4. Finally, Communication

Dominik isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer- this is nothing new- and he's not particularly skilled at reading the room. He doesn't pick up on tone or subtext. He doesn't read between the lines. He takes words at face value and doesn't question them. He requires clear communication, especially if someone is upset with him.

Liv is not someone adept at clear communication. She's passive-agressive and doesn't always say what she thinks. It's played for laughs, but it's still true.

After Rhea wins the title back from Liv, Dominik asks if Liv is mad at him for trying to hug Rhea (which he explained away as him trying to steal the title, even though he would know damn well that's not how it works), and Liv says that she isn't mad in a tone that makes it very, very clear that she is, indeed, mad.

Dominik, however, doesn't question this. He takes her words at face value, despite Finn, JD, and even Carlito being able to tell that Liv is at least a little upset with him. Eventually, we're led to believe that Liv just got over it, but the core issue of communication was not solved.

In Conclusion

Without taking other relationships like RheaDom and L4B into consideration, I propose the claim that Liv and Dominik are, in my opinion, the WORST kind of straight couple. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[mallory524]

Hai !!!:3

I was wondering if you could do the thunderbolts witha platonic child figure! Reader that came from the streets,? They were on the bad side of the streets before they were taken in, basically they act like a cat, and the avengerz treat her like a cat they took in? Even john,

And how do they show their care in their own ways?

(this is such a sweet idea i love this)

thunderbolts with a child figure :)

tags- platonic thunderbolts family fluff, small mentions of some character's backstories, 6 months after thunderbolts*

notes- did something a little different with the format this time, hope u enjoy this

Taking you in was a very spur of the moment decision, so of course they were not prepared.

The thunderbolts/new avengerz aren't necessarily considered to be the most gentle people in the world, but they all do have a softer side to them for sure.

They converted a spare room into your room, and let you decorate it however you like. If you needed help with anything while decorating, they were all happy to help you.

Whoever goes to the grocery store usually ends up bringing you along. At first, that was because no one knew what you liked to eat so they needed you to tell them. Now it's the routine.

They start to worry that you're getting bored just sitting around the tower all the time, so they decide you all need to get out and do something fun. There was an amusement park day trip that got very out of hand. Ava got in a fight with someone in line, you joined the fight and it got kinda messy, Alexei spent all of his cash on games, you lost Walker, and then in all the chaos of trying to find Walker, you wandered off and they briefly lost you. All in all it was a really fun day.

The first time Valentina shows up to the tower after you've moved in, they all frantically shoo you back into your room, like she's their landlord and you're the cat they weren't supposed to get. She doesn't find out about you living there for a LONG TIME.

Yelena is always there to listen to you. You keep to yourself a lot of the time, but you know she will listen to any of your worries, no matter the place or time of day, if you ever decide you want to confide in her.

Considering her past, it's no surprise that she doesn't want you to be a part of any of their "work". This is a different situation than hers, of course. You're already pretty tough, you wouldn't be forced to do anything wrong, and the thunderbolts are (relatively) good people, but she's still adamant that you will not be getting involved in all this danger at an early age like she was.

On really boring days, you'll play board games, bake something, go out on a quiet walk around the city, anything she can think of to pass the time and entertain you.

Sometimes you'll walk into her room and just sit down on the ground. She used to think you did this because you wanted to talk, but she very quickly realized you liked just sitting in silence.

Bucky is actually really protective of you. He knows you can take care of yourself, but he figures that since you have all these people around to help and protect you now, you shouldn't have to worry about anything anymore.

He doesn't want you anywhere near Valentina. Bucky isn't sure what it is specifically that he's worried about, he just knows that nothing good could come of you two getting to know each other.

At first, you thought Bucky was annoyed about you living there, but the day Valentina found out about you, you were sneaking around and you heard Bucky defend you and say that this was none of her business. That was when you realized how much he really cares about you.

You show Bucky how to use Spotify and he ends up just listening to a lot of the music that you like to play when you're in the car together... and music from the 40s that you put in a little playlist for him.

Bucky goes to talk to Sam about the whole Avengers/Avengerz thing in person, and tag along. You don't say much, you just kind of hang out in the back of the room. Sam is very confused.

"Bucky who is that?"

"Oh that's y/n. Sam, the reason I'm here-"

"No. That doesn't explain anything. Who is this? You guys adopt a kid or something?"

Ava really cares about you, and as tough as she usually is, she's not afraid to show you how much she cares. She knows young people need that. She certainly did.

She relates to you a lot, in the sense that you both enjoy the quiet and you kind of keep to yourselves most of the time.

You do end up having some things in common: you share clothes sometimes, you enjoy some of the same movies, and overall you both enjoy living in the tower.

Ava knows how Yelena feels about you having any kind of role in the team beyond just living there. She feels the same way, having been made to fight at a relatively young age herself. They both want you to stay safe.

However, she thinks it's important you get better at defending yourself, so you practice together a lot.

Everyone thought Bucky would be the most hesitant to take you in, but it was actually John. His concerns were all made in the guise of "This will slow us down, we aren't their parents or something," but everyone knows what it really is. He's worried. He doesn't want to fail another kid and he doesn't want you getting too close to the insanity that is the Thunderbolts' lives.

He very quickly warms up to the idea of having you around, though. You're a nice addition to the group.

When you first join, he notices you aren't super affectionate, but you did hug Yelena one time, and he doesn't know whether or not he's supposed to hug you too, so he ends up awkwardly patting you on the head. Yelena and Ava make fun of him about it constantly.

John took it upon himself to paint your room whatever color you wanted when you first moved in. He also helped with an furniture you needed moved, because "hey it's not trouble I can pick that up with one arm, look!"

John will sit on the couch and watch tv with you for hours. Trashy reality shows, complicated plot heavy mini series, old sitcoms, he really will watch anything.

It becomes a bit of a routine. Someone will ask you to do something tonight, and John will just go "no, sorry, we have plans. we've gotta finish season 3 of (some show no one else has any interest in)" and you'll smile and nod in agreement.

Alexei is, of course, the one with the most unabashedly enthusiastic dad energy.

He's so proud of everything you do. If you helped with breakfast even a little? That is the best meal he has ever had. You made a good comeback at the dinner table tonight? He laughs way harder than he has any reason to. You found something you drew? He's ask to keep it, and if you say yes, he'll keep that in his pocket every day from now on.

He loves feeling like a dad again.

He keeps trying to take you shopping and buy you whatever you want.

"Aye the money's burning a hole in my pocket, come on, what do you want to get?"

He asks for your input on the Avengerz logos and jackets. All of his ideas are absolutely insane, so you try to help, but he mostly just talks over you because he's so excited.

He tries the jackets on you like you're a mannequin and has you walk out into the living room to show the team.

You have a very hard time not laughing when he proudly takes credit for the most ridiculous thing you've ever worn. Yelena jokingly scolds him for involving you in the creation of this monstrosity.

He really thinks he's "hip" and that he knows what the kids are into these days. He is absolutely wrong 8/10 times, but it's quite endearing to watch him try to use popular slang to sound cool. He doesn't seem to realize that he doesn't have to do all that to make you feel welcomed; he's already done that without realizing it.

You know who's actually kinda knowledgeable about what the kids are into these days? Bob.

You and him like a lot of the same music, so you have a few collaborative playlists to introduce songs to each other.

You kind of get along with him the best anyway because you're the most similar. You're both quiet, you both like sitting in the corner of the room with your friends but not really saying anything, and both of your pre-thunderbolts lives were rough.

If anyone wants you kept far away from Valentina more than Bucky, it's Bob. He is well aware how skillfully she can manipulate vulnerable people when she things they might be useful to her. Learning Bob's story is when you finally get why the team doesn't hates her so much.

He wasn't sure how your friendship would change when you found out that the horrible void thing that happened six months ago was your fault, but he's blown away by how understanding you are. You remind him of the rest of the team in that way.

He kinda appreciates that he's not the newest addition to the group anymore. He gets to help you adjust to living there and make you feel at home like he's started to.

Whenever Bob gets a milkshake, he orders two, because he knows you'll be waiting in the living room when he gets there. One time he forgot to get you something when he went out, and you didn't say anything but you looked disappointed, and he felt so bad that he went right back out the door to buy another one.

He knows about your secret "new avengers incorrect quotes" account that's all things the group actually said.

Under "source" you always just put "?"

He found it one day while he was scrolling on his phone, and he was really worried the place had been bugged. He eventually noticed that you would immediately pick up your phone whenever someone said something insane.

He never mentions this to you in fear that you'll stop. You're so close to 600 followers.

Overall, your life with the Thunderbolts is pretty great. They all really care about you and want you to thrive, and you've never felt so safe and loved.

[frutiestorange]

Supernatural fic recs for people like me who dont ship destiel or wincest!!(mostly sam focused)

>You Can't Rule with a Broken Upper Hand-inkandpaperqwerty-A03-castiel focused (top on my to reread list, and inkandpaperqwerty a lot of other bangers too)

Successfully killing Lilith and keeping Dean out of Hell has the brothers ready for a good, old-fashioned, hunter-on-demon brawl. It's time to get back to the basics, back to the way things used to be, when monsters got ganked and that was the end of things. That said, they are not ready for a new kind of creature to appear in the middle of their fight, covered in blood and begging for mercy they aren't supposed to give.

Meanwhile, Castiel is panicking. He's been tortured senseless for four decades straight, and now he's been thrown down in front of two hunters. If he thought his brothers were bad... well, all angels knew how cruel hunters were... and Castiel has no idea how to convince them he doesn't need to be, in the shorter one's words, ganked.

>Living expenses- by Tolakasa-sams stanford era focused-Fanfiction.net (i love it sooo much go read it rn)

Preseries. Scholarships don't pay for everything. When you're not talking to your family, that makes summer the worst time of the year.

>Damaged Goods-by Taizi-A03-childhood abuse,dean and sam-(Taizi NEVER misses and i will die on that hill, go read all of their works and tell them i sent you)

"It really didn't happen all the time, dad wasn't abusive. And he loved us, Sam, you know he did. It's just- everything got to him, you know? Mom, and Yellow-eyes, and all the daily shit we had to swim through, sometimes it was just too much for him and he drank it all away."

>Misconception-by authoressjean-A03-hurt/comfort,all the winchesters together including mary and john-NOT WINCEST in the SLIGHTEST, but John sure thinks so.-(Once again, go through all of authoressjean's works if you want the best fics ever)

A view or opinion that is incorrect because it is based on faulty thinking or understanding.

AU of 14x13. Instead of rushing to get John back to his own time, they decide to let him stay a little longer. Time won't completely collapse with one night with their dad, so what harm can him staying do?

For Sam, a lot of harm. John believes something about his sons and he's determined to set all the blame at his youngest's feet, revealing painful secrets that Sam would've preferred to stay hidden, things he feared anyone finding out, things John feels are wrong.

Too bad for John that Mary and Dean don't feel the same way and are more than ready to back Sam.

NOT WINCEST in the SLIGHTEST, but John sure thinks so.

Two-shot.

>The Gate is Straight, Deep and Wide-by ratherastory-A03-(i havent read this one recently but i remember it being pretty good)

Part of the Fusion 'verse. Sam walks out of hell and finds his way home. From a prompt at the First Time comment-fic meme by the lovely and talented de_nugis: The first time Sam gets that Dean does unreservedly trust him again, coupled with the first time Dean gets that Sam really does want nothing more than he wants to be with Dean.

>One Saved Message-by ratherastory-a03-VOICEMAIL FIX IT!!-(one of my all time favs)

After a hunting accident puts Sam out of commission for a couple of days, Dean decides to surprise his brother with a new phone, since his old one is toast. Even better is when he finds that he’s been able to save all of Sam’s old information and restore it to his cell. That’s when he discovers an old voicemail that Sam has kept saved for the last two and a half years… Charity fic for help_japan. sinka won a fic from me and requested some Voicemail fix-it fic, and that is what I have attempted here. Spoilers for all aired episodes up to 6.19.

ok these are as many as i can bother to dig up but i have so many more, my fellow non-shippers stay strong out there and comment if u want some specific tags or tropes (!!i have mostly sam focused fics!!) or just want more recs!! ill be sure to dig some more up for u (or if you have any recs for me(preferably no ships BUT if theyre really good ill check them out anyways) i will love you forever

[creativitysloyalservant]

i have decided to break my lack of original posting on this blog to bring you my Thoughts on Rot in Paradise. because i played it as soon as i got up this morning and i have scoured for some opinions after finishing it, and now i have my own!!

(and also i posted this on twitter but twitter has such a Shit wordcount that i'm also posting my things here with More Detail)

so! spoilers under the cut, please go and play the game if you haven't. it takes literally an hour (it only took nearly 2 hours for me because i like voice acting by myself and exploring every nook and cranny) and it's also free. so maybe come back into the tag once you're done.

okay, so i noticed quite a number of people being confused and disappointed on the lack of an explanation for the monster. it's brought up in the story as the central thing driving the plot, but it's never explained on what "she" is, why she's compelling people to eat a ton of fish-related food or hell, metal, and why this doesn't impact June at all.

but you know what I think?

i think that that's the point. the focus of rot in paradise isn't supposed to be on the monster.

yeah, it's the thing that pushes the plot along besides June and the gang going on vacation in this island. it's what's causing that uneasiness from the moment that guy grabs June's arm at the drinks, to the sheer unnerving feeling of witnessing people going to the ocean to get Raptured basically. i know i personally felt a chill when i saw that one dude literally eating chains and the other hauling an anchor, as if they're trying to make themselves heavier so they get taken by whatever She is.

but that's not the main point! the main conflict is about June and her friends.

as people have pointed out, this game is about toxic friendships and relationships! it's foreshadowed in the conversation that June has with the gang about her cousin (which i will also get into), and it carries it through the way her friends are horribly warped by this ocean Creature. June goes on a silly little vacation trip with her friends only for them to become so so different from themselves that they lash out at her and even hit her in McCoy's case.

but she still sticks it out with them. through the whole game, even despite their verbal abuse, despite being slapped, despite them being people that she can hardly recognise. she stays with them for the whole game, up until the point where you are given the two options at the very end. and she could still stay with them.

because they're still her friends. she cares about them even if they still hurt her. from the way June still tells Carmen to tell June if she needs anything after Carmen literally tells her to shut up and leave, the way June worries about Vonnie eating seafood even though she continues to stuff herself despite being implied to either hate or make an active choice to not eat seafood, to the way June still trudges out to sea screaming for McCoy to come back to the shore as he wades further in even after he slapped her until her nose bled.

it mirrors the conversation about her cousin, the reason for why June was looking forward to the vacation. that while she did comfort her cousin through all of it, June clearly says that "they were dickheads, and she should have ditched them a long time ago".

but it's funny, isn't it? that June, an outsider to her cousin's friend group, easily sees the pain that her cousin's friends are causing her, and immediately calls it as it is. that her cousin should have left the second they hurt her.

and yet now, when her friends hurt her, even though this was a quick and sudden change that happened in a span of three days, June still sticks around. her friends are dickheads right now, and we can see that in the way they interact with June, but she still stays.

because they're her friends. and how could she just leave them like this if it's something that's causing them to be this way?

so no, i don't think the monster is supposed to be the main picture. we don't need to know what it looks like, or why it needs to do this to the islanders, or how it's even doing it in the first place. it adds to the scariness of the game, as per the Spooktober Game Jam, sure, but that's not the point. might be a bit disappointing to some, but that's not the point.

the point is about June, and the choice that she needs to make at the end of the game.

it's a choice on whether she chooses to be pulled deeper into the tides and be with the friends who hurt her and will continue to hurt her in this way,

or to leave them to their fates, whether deserved or not, and resurface to a world where she's alone without her friends.

and even though the first choice hurts much more in the long run, doesn't the second hurt even more in the moment? knowing that you're alone at the end of all of this?

even if it is the right choice, i'm sure the pain must be unbearable in the moment.

[lostandbackagain]

valkyrie moodboard part 4 🎉🎉🎉

pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3

[luna-loveboop]

I've never done a poll before, so good luck

Who do y'all think Time'll handcuff to him be with for his group in the dungeon? I've seen a lot of people say he will try to control who goes with who since he's scared for their lives rn (valid)

The options are the individual boys, just go with who you think is most likely to be in his group I guess?

Anyways like I said I've never done a poll so it might be messed up or make no sense, should be fun :D

Let me know if this doesn't work. And yes I know it's not well organised.. it's ok. right?

I think that unlike when they split in the Divine Dark Reflections arc, they might try to stay in bigger groups, and I think Time would probably want to have as many close to him as possible (his group have three or four), but I uhh didn't know how to incorporate that.

It's silly, but right now I can't stop imagining a scene where they reach the central room and everyone sprints off into the groups they want before time can argue.

Anyone who goes with legend will survive physically and anyone who goes with four will survive mentally.

[goat-and-a-pig]

Frankie goes nonverbal a lot, especially once he starts dating May because he doesn't have to mask nearly as much/at all, so May gets used to it. They're prepared to order Frankie's food at a restaurant for him, to tell Lance that "it's not a good day for singing", to declare that they're leaving a store because it's all just too much so Frankie doesn't have to. They don't even have to think twice about it, they just make sure Frankie is as comfortable as possible and make sure he knows how much they love him.

May gets used to it, but neither of them expect the day that May just suddenly can't talk and they can't explain why and is this what it's like for Frankie? They try to push through but can't, and when they can't support themself anymore, that's when Frankie steps up. He orders May's food and he tells Juliet "today's not a good day for singing" and he declares that they're leaving a store because it's all too much so that May doesn't have to.

And all May can think is how grateful they are to have such a loving partner and how they wish they could tell Frankie that but they just. can't. It makes them tear up in frustration. Frankie just looks over and smiles sadly. He squeezes their hand and tells them, "I know." And that makes May lose it, so they just stay at home the rest of the day and Frankie makes sure they're completely comfortable and they just spend the rest of the day snuggled up together, completely silent, but hearing each other better than ever before.

[bonicedemandarina]

Hiiiii *puts mizisua in these popular album covers and runs away*

[queerofthedagger]

One thing I think about a lot is that when Nargothrond falls, it is heavily implied that as good as everyone perished or, if not, got captured. Like, unlike with the Fall of Doriath, there is no mention at all of any refugees removing to the Mouth of Sirion - and yet, I assume that is very likely where Celebrimbor, at least, went? I definitely think he would have fought, but clearly he survived and neither Doriath nor Gondolin really were an option for him, and I doubt even more that he would have gone back to his family.

And there are a lot of implications to all that, but maybe the one that keeps me up most is that this means he would have likely been there when the refugees of Doriath arrived, when they told of what his family did. That his father is dead. What would he have been thinking? What would the survivors of Doriath been thinking? Like, I know there were technically several different camps to some extent, but I doubt they would have been wholly separate, especially upon arrival. What kind of horror to find someone who looks just like one of those guys who just slaughtered your friends and family. What kind of horror to look like someone who just committed such horrors.

He also would have been there when the third kinslaying occurred, or at least very close to it. What an experience, to end up on the other side of it. To see exactly what might have become of him had he not foresworn his father years ago, and also to see yet again what became of his family. Like yeah, everything before/during the Nargothrond Disaster would have already been formative for him and his future choices, but I do feel even being in the vicinity of all of that would have been such a dire reinforcement of all those convictions and reasons that made him disavow them in the first place. And especially in terms of the third kinslaying, it's also why I personally really doubt that there is a chance at any kind of reconciliation with any of the brothers, whether it's his father or I don't know, Maedhros or Maglor. Like, I just don't think there is any coming back fromt hat, really, if there ever was.

[ave-immaculata]

fellas we're once again wrestling with imperfect vs. perfect contrition and why imperfect contrition with a firm resolution to not sin again and promptly receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation doesn't save

[deeply-unserious-fellow]

The fanon interpretation of Vox and Valentino's relationship really is just Satan and Saddam Hussein in South Park huh.

[fidgetspringer-art]

hi hello. can you catch me up on the oc lore

Since I've gained like a LOT of followers since the last time I did a lore summary, I'll happily do another!

First off though, here is Martin's character profile and Noah's character profile. Those have got the basics about the two of them, and I have a summary for how they met and how their relationship develops right here.

But since i've also brought up Gabriel a lot lately, and plan on mentioning him more, i'll give a little info dump on his relationship with Noah under the cut:

I plan on making Gabe his own character profile in a bit, so i'll go more into detail about him then, but basically he's Noah's oldest and best friend.

Their mothers were also best friends and they were born only a few months apart, so they've been together since before they knew how to walk pretty much.

Noah was a preacher's daughter so they went to church together. They also went to school together and drove their teachers mad if they were sat too close in class.

I touch on the subject of Noah falling in with a bad crowd as a teenager in his profile, but i'm not sure i've gone into much detail on that, it's important to his and Gabe's relationship though.

The short version is that Noah gets tempted into hanging with a guy who's a couple years older than them, called Marcus. Gabriel, always the one trying to keep Noah out of trouble, ends up getting dragged into this group with him.

Marcus makes Noah think he's the leader of their little crew, but basically all he is is Marcus' scapegoat. Marcus would get them all into trouble, and because Noah was the preacher's kid he'd pin the blame on him because he figured he'd get off easier than the rest of them.

In the end though, Gabriel manages to make Noah see how fucked up their situation is (after they both get a pretty bad scare), and the two of them try to distance themselves from the group, eventually getting out of that life.

Noah goes off on his own, and Gabriel becomes a decently successful tattoo artist who owns the flat above his studio.

Their current day relationship is that Gabriel tries to live the life he's worked hard to build for himself, while having the constant reminder of his old life (Noah) stumble in through his door every few months, drunk, beat to hell or straight up just sick.

Noah always jokingly says that in another world it would have been the two of them together. They're pretty much soulmates in every way that matters. With the way things turned out though, all Noah ever tolerates are quick visits and quick fucks to scratch the itch before he's off again.

The two of them keep up their little friends with benefits things way after Martin and Noah start their years long routine of dancing around each other. Even after Noah stops sleeping around with strangers, he comes back to Gabriel when he feels the need to.

Basically he's one more person Noah has wrapped around his little finger.