#I don't think yelling has ever made anyone stop being depressed. Or helped them make friends. But what do I know.

[liebelesbe]

...thinking about how I've literally never gotten along better with my parents and it's bc I'm sick

[angeledeggs]

I understand If this is out of your comfort zone, but would you be willing to do the main 6 and the courtiers seeing self-harm scars on their partner?

Course! Sorry I havent been updating, y'all 😭😭 I know I've said this but I PROMISSSSE I will update more, I just need more time okay okay I'll updatemore I swear and please dont hesitate to send requests, it really does motivate me :)

Asra💜:

Of course they're concerned, but they don't quite know how to bring it up

They don't want to embarrass you or, dear gods, make it worse

If they're old scars they'll feel a bit better but if they're fresh he definitely feels more pressed to ask about it

And finally, when Asra does, he makes sure to do it gently.

No yelling, or tears from them or anything at all to pressure you, they just want to know if there's anything they can do to help.

If there's something specifically triggering it they'll definitely throw that shit out, but if it's a person they'll definitely make sure they do not bother or upset you ever again.

If it's something mental, of course they'll never, even be mad at you. They'll help you any way he can.

Julian🦠:

The first time he notices he immediately asks.

Of course he's definitely not angry or joking or nothing, he just has to quickly make sure you're not hurting at the moment.

He'll not get mad at all or anything, he just needs to know that you're not bleeding an that nothing has gone too deep to be cause for a hospital

He'll do whatever you need or want to help you whether the scars are fresh or not, whether that's talking about it, not talking about it, or doing anything in between.

All in all he supports you no matter what, and will support you in whatever way you need.

Nadia💙:

She's worried, she won't lie.

She knows they're just scars, it might not have even been inflicted for years... but still.

Of course, she still cares, but she doesn't want to micromanage you, you're grown and can make your own decisions.

But at night when you two lay together she can't stop herself from glancing at the scars, wondering if you're hurting on the inside and she's doing nothing...

One day, she just blurts it out, asks if you're alright, if anyone or anything has made you hurt yourself recently.

No matter your answer, she'll support you, and reassure you that of course she would never hold anything against you for being human, naturally.

She loves you more than anything, after all.

Portia🧡:

She can't help herself, just like her brother, she immediately asks about it.

She just wants to know if you're hurting right now, if you've been hiding your pain, if she can help.

She's not going to pressure you at all, but she might get the slightest bit emotional when she thinks about it.

If she can help whether the scars are new or old, she definitely will.

At night she might even say a few mumbles Hebrew pairs, begging g-d for your happiness, your health.

But she will always, always, always love you with all of her heart.

Lucio👑:

He tries to keep silent for awhile.

He doesn't want to make you angry or sad or maybe even happen to hurt yourself so he just stays quiet. He can't help but wonder, though. What if you're sad? What if you're depressed? What if your scars are new and fresh and he hasn't noticed?

He just mentions it softly one day, ready to back out of you can't handle it, ready for everything that could happen.

He just wants you to be happy, and if you don't want to talk about it, he won't, no, he couldn't even imagine attempting to force you to talk about something you don't want to.

But he'll stay with you no matter what your answer is, whether it's crying or silence or screaming. You're his partner and he cares for you, so, so much.

Valerius🍷:

He drops his wine when he sees. He can feel his breath quickening and you hadn't even realized he saw anything when you look at him and, god, he can't look at those eyes of yours without being driven insane.

He asks immediately, tearfully, if you're okay. That's all he wants, god, he'll be happy as long as you're okay.

He'll never be angry at you. But he might cry. Just slightly. But it's still the first time you've ever seen his eyes water at all.

He'll do anything he needs to if you need to feel better, if you need a therapist, food, drinks, medical care-- he has a large supply of money and you deserve it more than anyone, he cares not the cost.

At the end of that night, he might hold you a bit more tightly. And he shudders at the feeling of you skin, breathes your aura in.

Vlastomil🐛:

Horrified, immediately.

While he won't make a scene because he doesn't want to upset your or anything, he does ask you when he thinks your calm and won't freak out.

But of course, if you happen to freak out, he'll definitely be able to handle it whether that means staying or leaving you alone.

He's not angry at all if the scars are fresh or old, you're still the love of his life either way.

If you need something to help, or lots of somethings, no matter what it is, he's going to get it. It doesn't matter how, what matters is you.

And he loves you.

Valdemar💉:

Their breath has not quickened for so long, for a moment they can't even name the feeling that is running through their cold, dead veins.

Worry.

When you catch a look at them, you're concerned. They've never looked at you like that before.

But suddenly they're dropping to their knees before you, clinging to you, eyes wide and horrified.

Their voice is breathless and soft when they speak to you, when they softly reach for your face to caress the curve of your face, look into your eyes.

They haven't spoken so softly in years. They really do care.

Whatever it takes, they'll give it to you if you need it, dosent matter if it's medicine or stim toys or anything else that could help.

And they don't mind getting rid of anything or anyone for you, either.

They don't plan for anyone to hurt you. And they don't change plans.

Volta🍰:

Bursts into immediate tears.

She's always been an emotional woman, and while she is so quick to tears under normal circumstances, she cries the hardest you's ever seen.

She can barely explain herself, and only manages to when she's finally calmed down, as she tearfully asks you, are you okay, are you okay? Are you bleeding? Are you upset? Do we need to talk?

But she quickly manages to compose herself, to hurriedly wipes her tears. She doesn't want both of you to panic, after all.

She'll definitely make sure to comfort you if you need it, and if you start crying, she will manage to hold back tears long enough to comfort you.

But she'll always be loving towards you, not mad, barely upset, and definitely not at you, just at the world, and she makes sure to help if you need it and give you whatever you need.

Vulgora⚔️:

Their heart is racing like their first fight.

It's been years since their heart has raced fast enough to pump their veins with the bad sort of adrenaline, with the horrific feeling of fear.

But they manage to keep calm. The only outward showing of their distress is the slight tremble of their hands as they grasp your own, eyes on your face, not your scars, just you and those eyes.

Whatever happens, if you relapsed, if you hurt yourself again, if you never do it again, they will never ever be angry. They'll always be there for you.

They're your partner, after all. It's engraved into their own ethics now to give you anything you wants whether that's time apart, time alone, more things, less things or anything else.

And they love you just the same no matter what.

❀

[thessalian]

Thess vs "Sick Note Culture"

Yeaaaaaaah, I'm going back to yelling about Tory bullshit. Well. More like being singularly, horrifically depressed about Tory bullshit.

So Rishi Sunak is desperate to have some "claim to fame", some political impact, something that'll turn him into something more than an ineffectual interim PM--

(Side note: while it's true he hasn't made any impactful decisions as PM, he did change the course of this nation as Chancellor, as his "Eat Out to Help Out" campaign at the end of the first lockdown all but caused the second big peak, killed a lot of people and - a fact that I will be coming back to later in this rant - landed an awful lot more with long Covid.)

Anyway, his "Stop The Boats" thing involving sending refugees to Rwanda keeps getting cut off at the knees by the House of Lords, who don't really want to break international law. Oddly, he's entirely blaming Labour for this, which may or may not have something to do with how hard Labour are beating the Tories in the polls right now. So I think he's probably about half-past given up on having even a single plane-load of refugees take off for Kigali before he has to call an election. So he needs something else.

So today? He started frothing at the mouth about "Sick Note Culture". He had a plan to "eradicate Sick Note Culture", he said. And that plan? Was to no longer allow doctors to write sick notes for people declaring them unfit to work.

Oh, sick notes (or, as we actually now call them in this country, 'fit notes', indicating that they state whether or not a patient is fit for work) will still be available. Sort of. But apparently one will have to call some kind of hotline and get someone who ... knows something about medicine? Somehow? He wasn't clear on the qualifications involved-- Anyway, that these non-doctor people would decide, based on criteria no one is sharing with us, who is and is not fit for work. Instead of, y'know, the general practitioner.

Also there is apparently going to be some overhauling of the benefits for the disabled. Apparently they want to get rid of the Personal Independence Payment entirely, in favour of ... arranging for resources for treating their condition. It's all geared to pushing the disabled into work at all costs - for instance, anyone who doesn't just take whatever job is offered within a certain span of time (I think six months?) will just have their benefits cut entirely. Basically, there will be no recourse at all for the disabled unless whatever contractor they outsource for this hotline whatever, who will never have seen the patient or any medical notes, and will be making the call about this patient's suitability for work based on some ChatGTP-spawned checklist more than likely designed to turn people down, somehow sees reason.

Sunak is framing it as "giving the disabled their dignity back", but in the same breath saying how "people can't possibly be having this many more physical and mental health issues than they were a few years ago; they are skivers and we're going to shove them back into work at any cost". Yeah, you remember when I talked about the sheer number of people ill with long Covid, a lot of which can be laid at the door of his stupid Eat Out to Help Out bullshit back when he was Chancellor? THAT'S how. For the physical, anyway.

For the mental? We're getting disaster news every single fucking day. The Tories are causing most of it. Utility companies are gouging us - electricity first, and now Thames Water, which is apparently going bankrupt, is trying to get Ofwat to let them raise water prices (the first time they asked for a 40% increase; now they're asking for 56%) even as they dump raw sewage into our waterways and haven't built new reservoirs since the 80s (which is why we have droughts every year). Food is more expensive than ever, and bad weather plus Brexit red tape is causing shortages that jack the prices up more. Not to mention us being told that climate change will be making those bad weather issues even harder on our food supply in the years to come, which is making us terrified. Landlords are taking the piss with our rents. We've had proof positive that the government doesn't care if we die; we've had statements from their own mouths to that effect. Now they want to strip away the social safety net entirely, and blame it all on us. No fucking wonder we've all got crippling depression and anxiety.

So, as with so many other things, Tories are causing all our problems, Tories are making our problems worse, and they seem to think that the answer to the problem is to blame us and proceed to punish us by making our problems worse still.

And of course, Labour is making noises about trying to deal with the various issues but won't say how. I don't know how far this plan of Sunak's is going to go before he has to call an election, but if it gets put into place before the next election ... well, even if Labour wins (and they almost certainly will), there's no guarantee that they'll scrap that policy once they get into Downing Street.

I've always been angry at the way this government treats people. I've never been this scared before. I can be in the closet about not being cis; I hate it, but I can do it. I cannot be "in the closet" about being disabled, exactly. I am very, very fortunate in that I have the support of my parentals. I own my privilege. I rage for others who don't have my advantages ... and I feel terror when I wonder what happens when that support goes away? I think my mother's organised her assets so that I'll be taken care of when she passes, but... I don't like thinking about it. I may have to think about it, but I don't like it - she's my mum and I love her.

(Tell you what, though - when she does pass, I am out of this country.)

So ... yeah. Twice over now, this country wants me dead. And for all the cruelty of it and the unfairness of it and all the rest? I think the thing that scares me most is how Sunak is laser-sighting the "undesirables". I sometimes wonder if their obsession with attacking antisemitism and their support of Israel to that end isn't in part being able to point at this support when someone accuses them of being Nazis.

[mammonswhore]

Soo what if the MC was suicidal and depressed, so when the boys threaten then and stuff (like how lucifer was gonna kill them when protecting beel and luke) and they don't care or they ask them to do it no balls xD

I like this prompt bc they will be like fucking shocked if MC was not afraid of them. Anyways always remember to check on your mental health🖤♥

Brothers react to an MC who doesn't care about dying.

✒Lucifer

He was in complete shock. Every individual who he threatened was quick to apologize and surrender to his will but this human wasn't?

He dislikes that type of attitude but is also very curious about what happened to them to be this way.

When MC tried to climb up to the attic and he threatened them they just simply said "you know anything can kill me,right? You are not special for that one,Lucifer"

What the actual fuck is going on here?

He forced them to leave anyways but he was thinking about their response all night.

No one talked back to him besides Satan and Belphie and the first person out of his family talking back to him was human. A human! He was annoyed to say the least.

When the relationship between him and MC progressed he become more concerned about it.

He tried to get the truth out of them subtly and without acting suspicious or worried but when they finally said "Lucifer if you want to ask me something, do it. Don't try to get answers out of me that way,it won't work"

When they finally revealed that they were not worried about dead because it will get to them anyway,Lucifer was sad.

He was not only sad because he knew that MC was going to die but because they were not a little bit worried about it.

A sudden wave of sadness gets into Lucifer's chest and he proceeds to hug his lover and tells them that he will take them to therapy.

✒Mammon

He was very happy about MC not caring about dying at first since he couldn't care less and he never properly threatened them as well so they never got to talk back at him.

But once when they were escaping from two witches,MC got hurt and they didn't care at all. Like they literally didn't say shit about the wound on their leg and it took Mammon almost half an hour to realize that the blood he was smelling it was from their wound.

"MC WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING? ARE YOU DUMB? COME ONE,HUMAN! W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? I'M GOING TO HELP YOU,FUCK!"

Very stressed out about it,starts yelling about how they need to be careful with their lives because they are weaker than the average and things like it.

"Mammon I don't care about death,I'm kinda craving for it at this point"

His face drops. A sudden feeling he couldn't recognize was placing on him. He was worried but it was not the type he was used to feel around them.

The single thought of MC dying send shivers down his back. He was borried and it was not because Lucifer would kill him but because he couldn't stand that thought.

"Don't go saying things like that,MC... I don't want you to die,human"

He hugs them kinda afraid they might order him to let them die right there.

He is going to look for help and tell Lucifer about it so they both can keep an eye on MC in case of anything.

✒Levi

His first thought when he heard MC saying they wanted to die was "honestly same."

When he was about to kill them on the TSL quizz thing they didn't even flinch. They were not about to run,hide or beg.

When Lucifer stepped in,Levi was fucking shocked but angry at the same time.

"Damn normie,who do they think they are?"

When both of them formed a pact he became more worried about their health,not because they were his master but also his only friend and he was not about to loose them for some stupid shit.

When they hurt doing some stupid shit with him Levi freaks out and has a mini meltdown but tries his best to control his emotions to help his Henry.

"Stupid normie... Can't you be more careful? Dumb,dumb,dumb human... Agh"

He is mad but he is more worried than he is mad so he is trying his best to ask them how are they so stupid without being rude.

He became more careful with his words since he thought that maybe a little push will send them over the edge and make them commit suicide.

Very sharp when others point out that he takes care of them,gets defensive easily and will lock both of them in his room for a while.

✒Satan

He can not properly understand what's going on with them. His first thought is that they are very much dumb.

Gets annoyed by that attitude easily but never looses a chance to asks them if they are really that dumb or if they want to get killed.

"Oh sorry Satan,did my attitude happen to bother you?"

Ugh. The mocking tone in their voice made him furrow his eyebrows and spit venomous words.

"Indeed it does but I can easily understand why are you so reckless,you are defenseless against me and you are still trying to argue with me. I must say you have some guts MC but I don't think it's late for a good reminder that I can kill you easily."

And then they smirked and stepped closer to him with a daring attitude.

"Do it,anything can kill me and I will die eventually so your meaningless threats don't scare me not even a bit."

He was waiting for them to run,to hide and scream for help. But Satan was not expecting that answer.

His demon form unleashed and he was ready to attack but something inside of his his head told him that he was not capable of killing them. And when he realized that he just patted their head and went to his room.

Later on when they made the pact and MC helped him when coming to terms with Lucifer,he was quite scared for their daring attitude.

Every time they went out even if it was with one of his brothers,Satan will check on them with messages or calls every time he could.

To be honest,MC doesn't need this type of checks on them but appreciates it since Satan knows better than anyone how hard it can be to control themselves.

He still gets very pissed off when MC makes snarky comments,dares him for anything or that type of things but he still won't attack them because he loves them way more.

✒Asmo

He is no the type to threaten someone unless they are threatening him first but he was very tired of MC's attitude through the day and he snapped.

"Can't you remember your place,MC? Every single person around can kill you and you still seem to be as sassy as ever."

He was about to apologize with them about his words since he was not the type to talk to them like that but he was surprised when they talked back (again).

"Asmo if you haven't notice I truly don't mind getting killed here,it would be more interesting that dying in the Human Realm to be honest and also everyone is going to die and no one is going to remember me so fuck it."

That was worst. His eyes were very lost trying to figure out where did those words came from? What was going on?

"MC don't day that,please" he whispered very nervous.

Asmo hugged them and calmed himself down. Even for a demon who has seen a lot of people die he was not ready to loose MC and he was also not ready to hear those words fall from their mouth.

"Asmo calm down,please."

"You were joking,right? You don't think that about your life,don't you?"

He might not seem like it but he was completely worried for their health and well being. Being MC the only person he ever considered as a friend and possible lover,he could not stand for what they were saying.

He became more careful with what he said to them and what the others were allowed to say,if someone tried to insult them or make them feel like less he will snap right away of that meant MC will get rid of those awful thoughts.

✒Beelzebub

He threatened them about eating his food but they were unfazed about him,it was the first time he threatened them after making the pact and honestly,his reaction was totally wrong and he knew this and he was ready to apologize but he was shut down by MC's words.

"Do it,I honestly don't care."

What? MC what the hell are you saying?

He calms down and says that they shouldn't say things like that around his brothers because they might explode and actually kill them. He was worried,yes but he was more worried about eating something because his stomach was growling like crazy.

"Why would you say something like that? If it wasn't because we demons can't kill our master you will be dead now,MC."

Beel was stuffing chips into his mouth while watching MC think about an answer, more worried than before.

"I didn't mean to scare you,Beel. But I will die anyways so it's just a matter of time and if someone dared to make it right now I wouldn't stop them."

He feels the chills going through his back, the feeling of loosing someone he loves again was a lot to process and the fact that MC was unfazed and really sure about their words made him feel full suddenly.

"I don't want to loose you,MC. I know that you are a human and all but can't you just take care of yourself a little? I don't want to loose you." *sad beel noises*

Reassuring him that they will try to find help, MC hugs Beel and promises to try to stop this type of comments.

He was still very very worried about them so he was always around keeping an eye and ear on them so no one killed them.

✒Belphie.

This was after the attic events,he was still very unsure about MC's presence on his life but he was hanging on there still getting used to them.

Until they were assigned to wake him up from a 10 hour nap to eat something.

"You dumb human,I will rip your head apart of you wake me up again."

"It's not like if you haven't tried already now wake up and eat something or Lucifer will be pissed."

He was very amused,they were not afraid of him anymore and decided to talk back to him. But he still was shocked to say the least.

The human who he killed once was now giving him orders without a pact or relationship that established that he had to obey them. They had some guts,that was for sure.

When their relationship progressed and he became closer to MC,he was not going to stand for that type of comments.

"MC you can't go around saying that you want to die! It hurts to see you this way, jeez!"

"I can't help it,Belphie. Sometimes my thoughts just slip through my lips without me even trying."

Now that was something he was not expecting to hear. What did they mean? They really wanted to die that bad?

"Listen here you little shit,I already lost you once and I'm not going to loose you again so stop making those stupid comments or I will tell Lucifer to pay you a good therapist... Fucking idiot."

Belphie was worried even if he seems like he was just annoyed by them,he was even mkre worried than what he will like to admit.

[help-im-a-gay-fish]

Okay I had to do some stuff, but here I am rambling about relationship between Killer and Nightmare in Colours of LOVE.

Some of this I might mention before some of it might be your and Jann or Yuri ideas... Anyway!! The way I see that:

Even though this is soulmate au Nightmare and Killer aren't perfect fit for eachother. They are perfect fit in threesome - Ccino softens rough edges of both of them, and changes their attention from being mad on eachother to carrying about Ccino together (especially at first when he is really depressed). But before that... It was hard.

Killer is really open about everything he thinks and feels. If he founds someone who is attractive he will flirt. Even when he is already dating Nightmare. And also he always shows his affection to Nightmare everywhere, in public too. That's cute and sweet, but Nightmare is really closed person so that makes him really uncomfortable. Night often got jealous with Killer flirting with anyone else, got embarrassed with his kisses and all on public, and in general is a bit annoyed with Killer's actions. Killer on the other hand doesn't really understand why Nightmare is so "tensed" (he is not, Night is just much more calm, but Killer don't get it).

They were braking up and coming back again a few times, because they had argued a lot about everything and got tired of this. Right now they are on their "best days" - they started to date again a few weeks ago and right now they are through some stuff, they understand eachother better, and pretty chill about eachother weird actions. Like in the second page Night is a bit flustered by Killer's kiss but he almost used to that. Same as he is worried about being late, since Killer is almost always late, but he is more or less fine by that. On next page (which you haven't seen yet), there are an interesting dialog between them, and I will definitely write some of "subtext" about it when I will post it.

Actually if they haven't met Ccino they would break up again after a few months. And maybe come back again after a week.

Also! Interesting thing about third soulmate: at the beginning of the comic (before Nigh met Ccino) Killer is 100% sure that they have third soulmate, but Nightmare is sure for about 60%. Killer is existed about that, he knew knew that he is polyamorious for a long time, but Nightmare hesitates a lot, because he can't really imagine himself in polyam relationship. It feels weird and also he is soooooo jealous about Killer paying any attention to anyone except him, that he worries to become "third wheel". Will it be different with Ccino?? Who knows (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)

Hi kotikaleo!!! This was super fun to read.

Firstly I'm going to tag @zu-is-here since she started the studio verse

It's definitely an interesting insight to your comic and the characters!

It reminds me a lot of an early version of my own ideas about the studio verse nightkiller relationship! And I can definitely see the way we have bounced headcannons of each other paying off.

Them still dealing with a softer kind of lovehate dynamic is an interesting one. It doesn't seem to be as extreme as my version, but it's interesting that it's still there.

The fact that they are meant to work as a 3 makes sense as well. If they are supposed to be bounded as a 3 it makes sense that three they their relationship would be unstable. They don't work as a two, but they are soul mates and something would always pull the two of them together.

I'm also curious, since Nightmare isn't 100% sure that the lack of colour is due to them being soul mated to another person. I wonder if he ever felt like the universe got it wrong? And that he'd been mated to the wrong person? Or perhaps he felt it meant that him and Killer don't have soul mates and that's why they have some connections.

It sad boy.

Also if Killer knows he's poly by nature, is that something that causes disagreements with the 2 of them?

And now for mine and @jann-the-bean version.

This story has been something that we mostly developed in tumbler DMs but both me and Jan wrote a story about it. Jan wrote

KillerNight(s)

And I'm writing

Round and round till we all fall down

Nightmare and Killer's relationship started off baddddd, it basically started as a mutual dislike for one another. This is due to their conflicting personalities and morals.

Nightmare was originally quite excited to meet Killer, as he'd heard a lot about the actor. But almost straight away he found Killer to be rude, childish and irritating. Killer found Nightmare to be stuck up, snobbish and entitled.

The two first met at an awards ceremony and got into a yelling match after a few drinks and were separated. From there their dislike for one another was made quite well known to the public because of a social media battle back and forth.

This only went on for a few months however, as the characters of 'Killer' and 'Nightmare' were cast to play together.

Nightmare and Killer agreed to be civil in order to function while working and get the filming completed as soon as possible.

As they worked together, their dislike turned into a playful banter and respect for one another. And then something else shifted.

Now Killer has a reputation for being a player and one who likes to sleep around, as you said, he's open about his interest in people when he has it and enjoys casually flirting with just about anyone.

Which came to include Nightmare.

Nightmare paid no mind to it really, though he couldn't understand why it embarrassed him so much.

Killer comes to find Nightmare to be very attractive and enjoys his reactions when teased, he rights him off though because he was under the impression that Nightmare was straight, and he'd never try to change that.

It was a day when they were talking about Killer's eyes and how it's caused him to struggle, that Nightmare tells him that he thinks his eyes are very pretty and that they are an attractive quality, and something in Killer breaks and he kisses him.

So Killer feels like he messed up and the two avoid each other. But it causes Nightmare to start questioning things about himself.

Nightmare at this point had only every dated women. He assumed that he was straight. But after that kiss a lot of buried feelings are dragged to the surface and exposed, and he realises that he's also attracted to men.

So Jan goes into full details about this, in the fic Killernights, but basically Nightmare confronts Killer about the kiss and Killer tells him he 'has a thing for him'

The two go back to Killer's flat to talk, but their normal banter, leads to flirting and then another kiss. And Nightmare who is curious and suddenly craving new sensations becomes lost to him. Killer who finds Nightmare physically very attractive, also gets wrapped up and the two of them sleep together.

Nowwww this is getting long so I'll try to shorten it down a bit.

Basically, it's an amazing night. It's passionate, enjoyable and a lot of fun for both of them. Upon finding out Night has never been with a man, Killer guides him carefully though the process.

After that night the two can't stop thinking about each other, even though they both planned for it to be a one time thing. Again, they avoided each other until talking after a while.

And killer admits his desires for the other, and offers Nightmare a safe environment to experiment with his sexuality, where he won't be judged.

To cut a long story short, this spirals into a passionate and carnal, on and off booty call/fling with each other that spans for years.

Other that time they grow very close with each other, and come to recognise the similarities that they share, and have soft moments of just enjoying being together with one another.

For Killer, Nightmare is the first person to ever tell him he had beautiful eyes and mean it. The first person who wasn't at all put off by them.

To Nightmare, it feels like Killer is the one person that will never pick Dream over him. And he makes him feel wanted and desirable in a way few have before.

However, their are still parts of their relationship that conflict. Of course a healthy relationship will always have some conflicts. But for Killer and Nightmare the conflicts clash and fight with each other.

That along with both of their past traumas, (I wrote about Killer's back story here) means they find it difficult to talk about genuine feelings and what's bothering them. Causing things to bottle up and blow up over time.

They also find it impossible to admit that they actually love each other deeply.

They tried to be in a full on committed relationship once, (which I'm writing about in Round and Round) but it didn't work out for these issues. As well as the fact that Killer is poly by nature, and therefore gets anxious and uncomfortable in a relationship with one person only. Which he won't talk to Night about for the reasons stated above.

Enter Ccino.

Now Ccino is the missing piece for Nightmare and Killer.

He's soft and gentle spoken, which easily helps them calm down when things get heated between them. He also provides a safe and loving space to open up about what things are bothering them.

Nightmare and Killer's also, as you said, spend more energy caring for and sometimes worrying about Ccino, so they have less energy for the constant fighting.

Ccino was the missing piece. He's the person who will cuddle and read books with nightmare, but also the one who's super into affection, which Killer loveesss.

A relationship would never work between just killer and Ccino, since Ccino wouldn't be able to keep up with Killer's libido and killer doesn't know much about Ccino's mental health. And Ccino wouldn't work in a relationship with just Nightmare because Night's colder and more straight forward personality would leave him affection staved after a while.

They just work together! They are basically soul mates in this universe as well!

P. S Nightmare in this universe was also very veryyyyy jealous when Killer showed interest in Ccino. Which is something he took out on Ccino till Killer stopped it. After falling in love with Marshmallow he regrets this a lot.

I'M SO EXCITED FOR MORE. COLOURS OF LOVEEEEE

[laffodil-daffodil]

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The day was beatifull. The birds were singing happily, the peacefull sound of the water running from rivers near by. Everything seemed quiet, calm. Nothing could ruin the moment of peace the forest was having.

The peace, however, did not reach everything.

The sound of a door slamming closed interrupted the calm, the sudden and loud noise resonating trough the forest, cutting the quietness like a knife would do to butter.

Regulus ran out of the cabin door in a hurry, muttering scoldings to himself under his breath. Just this morning (when he was going to make himself some breakfast) he realized that he had no food left (it was obvious, he went hunting over a month ago, the fact that he was too lazy and too depressed were the things that kept him all day on his bed)

He decided to go to the nearest town, he had some money on him from when he helped an old couple out with their strawberry cultives (the couple then gave him a wood box full of strawberrys', which he ate almost inmediatly after he got home).

Regulus never went to towns or villages or cities anymore, faking your own dead didn't allowed you to go in public (being from The Most Ancient and Noble House of Black didn't help eithet). Besides, all that he needed he could find it in the woods.

Like in the books Sirius read to him when he was a kid, like a bedtime story, and he would wait patiently until Sirius tip-toed to his room as quietly as possible so he wouldn't wake up Walburga and then give her a reason to beat them up and-

He stopped himself from remembering more. He always stopped himself from remembering things from his past, from when the time things weren't perfect but they weren't hell either.

He hasn't heard of his parents for years now, and even more less from Sirius (being supposedly dead kept you from keeping track of things outside from your bubble). He just hoped Sirius was finally happy, maybe even be together with that best friend of his (Remus, was it? He couldn't remember quite well his name), he always saw how his brother looked at the other guy with eyes full of adoration, like if Remus had brought him all of the stars in the nightsky.

He hoped his parents were dead, too. They deserved it, after all the shit they made Sirius and him go trough, all of those nights awake hearing his brothers' screams, or the banging of the metal door they locked Sirius in.

And when Sirius left, when his brother was finally physically free from them (because no, Sirius would never be completly free from them, neither of them both would ever be) ,it all just got worse from there. For Regulus, that is. His skin got paler and his eyes got duller, but he felt relief. His brother (the only one he had, the one he held close to his heart, even after being ignored) was finally out of the house they called home.

Regulus noticed (since the day Sirius ran away from "home") that his skin got healthier and his eyes got brighter, unlike him.

Regulus felt relief that his brother was finally able to be freely happy, to be able to love whoever the fuck he wanted to love, to wear whatever he wanted to wear. He truly was.

But what about me, Regulus thought, as he entered the little magical village. I want my happy ending, too. He knew he shouldn't ask for more, he should be more gratefull that he finally, after so much fighting, was finally free from his parents' grasp.

So why wasn't he? 

He said an apology under his breath to the old witch that bumped into him, and while she was yelling profanities at him while picking up her groceries, he continued to walk down the crowded street.

Regulus saw, from the corner of his eyes, an old looking bookstore. He walked towards it and pushed the glass door open, might as well buy some more books, no?

The little bell anounnced his entrance to the people inside the shopp, not that anyone cared about it.

Regulus made a bee-line towards the mitology section and picked up two books. One had a deep red cover, with bold golden letters as a tittle. The other had a black cover in its totallity, (also) with bold golden letters.

He made his way towards the front desk to pay for the books, when a wood table that had the newspaper got his attention.

He didn't exactly knew why did it catch his attention, he just knew that he just had to check it out (something in the deepest part of his heart told him to do so). 

So he followed his instinct.

"MURDERER SIRIUS BLACK, ARRESTED FOUR YEARS AGO AT THE AGE OF TWENTY-TWO, WAS CAUGHT YESTERDAYS' NIGHT TRYING TO ESCAPE AZKABAN"

He what

Regulus lowered the paper a little and stared at it with incredulity. Sirius was arrested?

Sirius was arrested four years ago?

Regulus did the counts on his head. Four years ago he faked his death to be free, when he tought Sirius wasn't in fucking prison? What in the actual fuck?

He lifted the paper a little with shacky and malhourised hands, those hands that were once soft and didn't know hard work, now, those hands were covered in scars, all of them because of years in the woods, from cutting trees and building his small cabin and fighting wild animals to survive.

He did all of that to survive, all of this- he did it for himself.

He was enjoying freedom while his brother (the brother who neglected you after being choosen in a rival house, the brother who, in a far away past, held your hands on his own and looked at you in the eyes and told you everything was going to be alright) was in prison for murderer, something Regulus believed was false.

Sirius would never kill anyone, Regulus was sure of that.

But that didn't mattered, no. It didn't make any difference to Regulus. His brother ignoring him didn't changed anything, the younger still loved him with all his heart, with all that he had.

His silver eyes looked at the newspaper again, a burning fire making its way into his heart.

"Sirius Black is responsable of the death of a wizard, Petter Pettigrew and thirtheen muggles"

Okay, now Regulus was one-hundred percent sure that his brother had been framed. Regulus knew his brother would never kill muggles, besides, wasn't Petter Pettigrew one of his closest friends?

He continued reading, he needed as much information as he could find. He reached the end of the paragraph, and one or two drops of sweat appeared in his temple.

"-Black is now behind the bars again, the security involving him has increased and is now stronger than ever."

Okay, Regulus wasn't freaking out at all, why would he? The fact that his brother is in fucking Azkaban doesn't inmediatly means he will freak out, nu huh.

Because he is a calm, cool-headed individual, yes he is.

He was not freaking out, and anyone who said otherwise is a liar.

Steps resonated in the small wood cabin owned by the younger heir of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black.

Regulus swears he can hear his own hearbeats, beating in his ears and, somehow, telling him to do something, anything.

He doesn't quite know what to do, what to expect of this. This was crazy, right?

He knows it is, so why was he having second thoughts?

Do it, Reg. Just go for it, what could go wrong? A small voice says inside his head. It sounds deep and raspy, but also (for some reason) bubbly and playfull. ‘Like Sirius', he thinks.

Is it risky? Yes, definitly so. Would it be possibly worth it? He hopes so.

This is one-hundred percent a crazy, impulsive idea, but he was willing to try and give it a shot if it meant his brother would read him bedtime storys at night again.

He just wants his brother back, was that too much to ask?-

‘But it is! That lazy blood-traitor scum left you behind, for you to rot in that house, all by yourself while he had fun!’ A different voice screams at him and Regulus flinches, because it sounds so much like his mothers' voice it scares him to the bone.

"Please stop talking..." He begs to the empy room. He takes a shacky breath-in to try and get these voices of people that are not even there with him out of his head.

‘Reggie please listen to me! You have to get me out! I know you can do it, you're really smart!’ Sirius says inside his head, and Regulus can almost imagine him with puppy eyes while saying it.

‘Don't listen to that disgrace, Regulus! You are better than that, you will not hear whatever nonsense comes out of that stupid boys' mouth-’ ‘Im not stupid, you are the one in the wrong, Regulus knows-’ ‘Regulus will know best than to hear anything from you, unlike you, he knows what is best for him-’ ‘Like if you would know what is best for him-’

He feels overwhelmed, the voices are yelling at him to do things and Regulus doesn't know who to hear. He feels his heart beating faster, and he can hear his shaky breaths, and he feels the sweat in his forehead, and his hands in his ears-

"Stop!" Regulus yells, and the voices grow quiet. Hot tears stream down of his face as his knees make contact with the floor of wood.

The voices aren't talking anymore, but he still covers his ears tightly. He wants to get rid of the uncomfortable weight his chest has on it. He wants the headache that is starting to form to go away.

Suddlendly, its like he's five all over again. Just, this time, Sirius is not around to hug him.

Sirius wasn’t going to be around ever again.

Regulus tries to calm down. Breath in, breath out. He was going to be alright, he would find a way. He always does. He’s smart, Sirius always said so.

He remains kneeled on the floor for what feels like an hour, but were probably just two minutes (for him, it felt like a whole lifetime).

Regulus sighs and starts to stand up slowly, like if he went a little bit more quicker, then everything around him would dissapear in an instant.

Supporting his body on the wooden walls (he is still too dizzy to walk by himself, still too weak), Regulus makes his way towards his small bed made out of straw he borrowed (stole) and throws himself at it, exhausted of the events of today.

He has a plan, it is all clear in his mind already. And altough he is scared (of being taken to Azkaban, of dying while trying to save Sirius), a feeling he is not familiar with snuggles inside his chest. It has been there before, Regulus knows it has. (It feels like greeting an old friend who was there for you in your lowest point, but then dissapeared out of the blue. Regulus knows its name, but he can't shake its hand like old buddies would). 

And then he closes his eyes and dreams about how his life has been so far. How cold it has been, how lonely it all felt (And Regulus wishes it would had passed like a blurr, (like when you zone out in a conversation and you miss a part of it) but it didn't, and Regulus hates that).

The next morning he wakes up with a headache that forces him to close his eyes tightly.

In all honestly, Regulus feels like shit, both physically and mentally.

Feelings suck, and he would stand by that until the day he became nutrients to the Earth.

He sits on the uncomfortable excuse of a bed slowly, trying not to make his headache worse than it already is. He sits there for a minute or two, before deciding to stand up and go see if there is anything he can eat.

He believes he bought food yesterday, but he couldn't really be sure about that. Everything that he did after reading that newspaper was blank, there was no memory of something else happening after that whatsoever.

His legs are better now that he rested properly. 'There is nothing a good nap can't cure!' Regulus remembers Sirius' voice telling him one day, after Walburga went particularly rough with the Cruciatus Curse on them.

Regulus remembers, that same night, Sirius cuddled up to him on his bed, and held him tight against his chest. Regulus never got in the way when Walburga was insulting Sirius, but that time he did. It did not end pretty.

They both ended up getting tortured, Regulus more than Sirius that time.

They were ten and six at that time.

Now he realized that he, in fact, did bought food yesterday. Some bread and cheese, along with a loaf of bread that didn't look in the best condition (he couldn't really afford that much after all, there was so much a few coins could buy).

As he started cutting some of the bread, he tought about his options, about what he could do and about what was out of the question.

Regulus could only think about two viable options that would (probably) (hopefully) decrease the chances of everything going wrong.

One (this one was crazy) he could try and become an animagus. An animal form would surely help him get in and out of the prison.

Now, that option would take him months of preparations, maybe even years.

(He knows most wizards and witches with animagus form had taken several years to even figure out how to become an animagus, but he is Regulus Black for Godric's sake. He isn't most wizards)

(He is better than most, after all)

The black-haired male stands there in the middle of his tiny kitchen, a knife still in his left hand. He thinks he has an idea, someone who would surely help him if he asked. 

But in order to ask them, he would have to find them first.

Where exactly are you, Remus Lupin?

. . .

Remus wasn’t having a good morning (he never was having anything good). First, he woke up past 6 am and ended up arriving late at work (again), and his boss yelled at him for 5 minutes (again), and then, oh and then, he ended up getting fired (AGAIN), which, by the way, was the cherry on top to his shitty morning, and it wasn’t even 1 in the afternoon yet.

Now he would have to search for any jobs that would accept him, again (this was the second time in the month that he was fired from a job; in the first one he may or may not had punched a co-worker (in his defense, the bastard was talking shit about a female co-worker, and Remus just got really really angry).

And as he stomped angrily in the direction where his house was, he came to realize that he fucked this up really bad. Now he had no job, not even one kind of support to survive another month, and he sure as hell didn’t have any friends to go back to if things got more rough.

Ah, now he’s just sad.

He glanced at the plants and flowers growing at the sides of the road made of dirt, and he remembers.

Remus remembers the times when he used to be happy, when his only concern was passing his exams and not letting his crush on Sirius (oh Sirius, i miss you terribly) showing up and exposing him. When he would hang out with Lily at the library, and talk about how classes were starting to get more difficult as the days passed, or how they would gossip and talk badly about Severus ("-and have you seen his hair today?"), and they would talk and talk, and then talk some more.

Or when he would help James with his game plans, and they would stay up until the sun appeared again at the next day. Or when he would bake with Peter at the schools' kitchen at really late hours at night.

And he remembers, too, the times when he would look at Sirius and he would just get lost in his silver eyes. And Remus would look at him like Sirius was the most beatifull being in the would (in his eyes, he was).

He misses those times, he yearns for them. He wants them back, with all of his heart.

Life has always been rough for him, its just the way things are.

Because he deserved it.

(or so his father said)

Remus sees his little house at a distance. It looks deteriorated and in ruins, that house. The wild flowers are all around it, and there’s plants climbing on the walls and covering the windows.

He sees a cloaked figure standing on his porch, and Remus feels fear.

But he won’t show it, no, he won’t, ‘because fear is for cowards’ , his father would say, and the voice he would use left no room to question him.

“Can i help you with something?” Remus says, loud and clear. 

The person in black tensed, and turned around to face Remus slowly, like if they were scared (’of what?’ Remus wondered, but he kept quiet- like he always does)

Facing each other, silver and brown met.

“Oh”

The wind roared from outside, strong and merciless as ever. It made the trees dance and the leaves from them to roam free on the sky. 

The raindrops that fell from the sky were hitting on the glass of the window with force, on the roof, on the dirt. It left nothing untouched.

“How have you been, Remus?” The man in question turned his gaze from the window to the person in-front of him. The years had taken a ton from him, it seemed. Yet, the beauty he owned many years ago had not left him, no. It made him even more handsome, Remus concluded. His silver eyes (oh, his eyes were so smilar to his Sirius’-) were bright, a shine in them Remus has never seen before in the younger man. 

Remus gripped the handle of his mug of tea. The sweet honey tea with lavender inside of it warmed his hands, full of calluses and old scars, it soothed him and the pains he felt in them. “You should be dead” He says, looking at the eyes of Regulus, searching (searching?) for an answer to his one-hundred-and-one questions.

“Let me explain, Remus. Please, would you listen to what i have to say?” Regulus says, and he sounds so hurt, so exhausted and done with everything. He says nothing in response, just goes back to looking out of the window, where the wind and rain still are. Where everything follows its course.

“I faked my death...that night i-, i saw an opportunity and i took it, and then i--”

“You left Sirius” Remus says, and the voice that comes out of him sounds so not like him, so aggressive and upset and loud and so much like his voice- 

Still, Remus doesn’t back off. He looks up at Regulus and flinches. He looks so upset and angry, like Remus just did something so disgusting and wrong that he can’t take it. 

Those silver eyes (One of the distinguished features of the oh so noble and honorary Black Family) burn in his soul like silver things burns in his skin. And it’s terrifyng and powerful in equal portions.

“He left me behind first, Remus” Regulus says, his voice filled with venom and as aggressive as Remus’ voice before. “He left me behind the moment i got into Slytherin” He adds, and Remus can hear his erratics breaths over the muffled sound of rain.

They stay silent, for a while. Not wanting to fight but not wanting to talk either.

“Why are you here, Regulus? We hardly ever talked back at Hogwarts, so i can’t imagine a reason behind your visit” Remus finally says. With the new need to do something (-anything), he stands up from the badly hand-made wood chair and takes his mug of half finished and still warm tea, walking with rapid steps towards the tiny kitchen connected to the living room. He occupies his hands with cutting the remains of the bread he baked yesterday.

“I came to ask you for a favor “ He starts “,you see-- Don’t look at me like that, Remus, hear me out first” Regulus says, and stands up too.

The black haired male takes a deep breath, as if he’s preparing himself to say something difficult to speak out loud. “Sirius is innocent, Remus, i am sure of it” 

Everything goes silent from there. Remus can’t hear a thing because of the annoying ringing in his ears, and even before muffled sound of the rain is in the background now. He sees Regulus moving his mouth, and Remus is sure he is saying something (most probably something important), but he can’t hear a thing.

And Remus is so angry right now. It bubbles in his chest, from deep beneath with all of the emotions he repressed all of those years, and if he doesn’t calm down now then it’s going to explode. What could Regulus know anyways? He wasn’t even there in the first place! He was too bussy faking being dead, and hiding somewhere away from civilitation, like the stupid coward he is.

(Remus know he is a coward too, he knows it all too well. Because he knows that, (deep down) Sirius is innocent. He just hasn’t come to terms with it because he is so angry and he feels so betrayed and-- how could them leave him behind like this?) (Remus knows that he is stupid, too, because all he wants is someone to blame for the death of Lily and James and Peter-- someone to blame for little Harry slipping away from his fingers like sand)

(And Remus knows that he is a hypocrite, too)

“...--and you know, Remus, that Sirius would never do such a thing, we both know it!” Regulus says, his voice sounds more clear now, less muffled and silent. And it sounds so desperate, begging for understanding and someone to hear him out. 

“Those were his best friends, and even i -that a i wasn’t even close to him-, knows that is a fact! He couldn’t had killed them like that!” He yells, and Remus feels sick.

“...get out...” The words come out of his mouth before he can register them, just above a whisper.

“What?”

“I said get out!” He shouts at Regulus, the boiling feeling of anger finally snaps inside of him, and now he just wants someone to yell at, someone to discharge all of his repressed emotions at.

And he does. Before he knows it, Regulus is out of his house and into the pouring rain, because Remus takes his wand out of his back pocket and yells a ´Crucio!’ and fires it to Regulus, who dodges and sprints out of the house.

And Remus is all alone again, inside of that small and old house, with the feeling of anger and guilt and sadness washing over him. 

He feels his knees too weak to support him, and falls to the floor with a ‘thud!’. And for the first time since his loved ones left him, for the first time since his life fell apart, he allows himself to cry and yell.

And he feels like a little kid again.

. . .

Okay, Regulus admits, the plan did not work out like he thought it would.

Maybe he did broke the news too strongly, he kind of got angry at first. But it wasn’t really his fault, Remus said something he couldn’t even had known! His relationship with Sirius and how broken it was wasn’t any of his business.

But it’s fine, Regulus can do this on his own. It’ll be harder, but he’ll do it. 

No matter the cost.

Two years pass by and Regulus is ready to start with the second and hardest part of his plan. Getting Sirius out of prison.

It too him a whole year and a half to even figure out how to become an animagus, and the other half of the year to learn how to switch to his animal form. But he’s finally ready, and he is so excited to mend things with Sirius and be brothers again.

Now he’s standing on the port, unleashing the rope that’s tied to a boat he’s about to steal. The boat is old, but it looks solid still. Regulus wonders what kind of adventures it has lived, the people it has carried, the tales it had heard from other peoples’ mouths.

Regulus gets in the boat before it couldbfloat away from shore, and sits.

He feels the texture of the wood under him. It's cold and damp, and he can feel the old carves in the wood forming the word he assumes reads 'fishy'.

He chuckles under his breath, shaking his head side to side. Probably a little kid wrotte that.

Maybe many years ago, a family had a trip to catch fishies in this very boat. Regulus pictures a father and his youngest son, on a sunny day, in this boat. The father tries to teach his son how to catch a fish, but the child, as most little kids usually do, gets bored with the waiting and as there's no other way of entertaiment, he carves the word on the old boat.

He wishes that instead of being in this situation, in the thick, thick fog, he would be fishing with his older brother. He wishes things turned out differently.

Regulus wishes he could live his youth with his brother, instead of trying to rescue him from a crime he definitely did not commit.

Oh, Regulus wishes were so many. But those were only wishes, thoughts that are in the past now. Realities that already lost their chances to exist a long time ago.

And with these thoughts clouding his mind like the fog cloudes his vision, Regulus grabs the oars and starts paddling.

The splinters in the oar feel like nothing against his tough and scarred hands, instead of hurting him, they keep him on the real world, away from the one where he goes when everything is too much, when he loses himself.

Regulus doesn't know how many hours went by until he could see the impotent building that was Azkaban. And as he was nearing it, the waves kept rocking his small boat, threatening him to flip.

He wonders if everything he's doing right now would be enough. He wonders, as the boat flips harshly to its side and throws him off of it into the freezing water, if Sirius knows he loves him more then life itself.

Regulus doesn't fight back the cold water, not at all. Instead, he lets it settle in his bones, in his belly, in his lungs.

If being held feels like this, then Regulus decided he liked it. No one ever held him before, maybe as a baby, but as he grew older, the only one who held him close was Sirius.

Sirius... who is Sirius, exactly?

He tries to remember, he feels the name belongs to an important person, but his mind is as numb as his arms and legs feel, if not even more.

It doesn't matter, he thinks, because im dying anyways.

Life is cruel, he decides with a heavy feeling in his chest, as his heavy body sinks him deeper and deeper on the ocean.

He'll be sleeping forever next to sand and rocks and corals of multiple colours, and the black of his hair will meld perfectly next to them.

Regulus doesn't fight, but he dies with a ball of hatred and love and yearning in his heart. He'll be dreaming for eternity of wishes and unspoken words, of hugs and arms that will never hold him ever again.

Life is cruel, and Regulus Black knows it all too well.

.

.

.

.

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IM SORRY I JUST COULDN'T GIVE THE BLACK BROTHERS AND REMUS THEIR HAPPY ENDING SKSNEKEMS what can i say, im a sucker for an angsty ending.

anyways, this was inspired by this blog (https://eronlupett.tumblr.com/post/642858372635475968/i-need-a-writer) by ". and before you mentuon it, yes, i was going to writte a happy ending, i just couldn't, like, cmon on, it was right there, i couldn't resist.

i had lots of fun writting this, but it still took me almost 5 months to finish it lolz. guess i just didn't had the motivation.

let me know what you think of my witting style, or if you have any opinions, just dont b disrespectful!

byebye^^

[imaginationintowords]

Folklore [song series]

this is me trying

Modern Day AU! Steve Rogers x OC!Reader; Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years.

word count: 3592

[a/n: I’m so sorry that it’s taken me so long to update this and my other story. i’ve been busy with school and work. thank you for your continued patience and support]

previous part

Series Masterlist

Age: 20 Year: Dec. 2014 Location: Brooklyn, NY

"How have you been James?”

Bucky looks out the window to his right. Hands grasped together in his lap as he sits on the dark green sofa across from the woman he's been seeing for the last 5 months.

He ponders the question, making sure to answer it honestly. He looks back at her giving her his full attention again.

"Good," he answers truthfully, a small smile planted on his face. Life has been good. School is going incredibly well. My job is going better than I could've imagined. Really learning a lot."

"How are things going with Natasha?" The older lady asks.

“Great. Really great," Bucky says with a slightly bigger smile.

"Good. I'm glad to hear that," she smiles back, proud to the see progress James has made since his first visit moths ago.

After the blow up he and Steve had, Bucky fell into a depressive state. He refused to talk to anyone about what had happened. It wasn't until his younger sister Rebecca came to talk to him:

"I get you don't want to talk to any of us about what happened last week," she said as Bucky laid in bed looking out the window, his back facing her, "But you can't just stay in bed, hiding for the world. Starving yourself isn't going to solve anything.

"Sulking is only going to make you worse. It's not healthy, Buck. We're all worried. Ma is incredibly worried. She's barely been eating. I hear her wandering the house at all hours, because she can't sleep."

"You don't want to talk to us, fine. But you need to talk to someone. If not for yourself, but for Ma. Please," she begs, before leaving Bucky alone to ponder what she said.

He knew he wasn't coping the healthy way. He hadn't realized how much he was affecting his family by shutting down. The last thing he wanted to do was worry his mother. So he got himself up, took a shower, ate breakfast with his family. They were surprised to see him come down, but tried not to draw any extra attention to it. Rebecca gave him an understanding nod, which he reciprocated. After breakfast, he began his research. He decided to listen to Rebecca's advice and find someone to talk to someone to help him make sense of what is going on in his mind.

And that's how he ended up in Dr. Abraham's office.

"Have you contacted Steve yet?" She asks.

"No," he answered fiddling with his fingers, "I feel embarrassed about the way I reacted."

"That's normal, James," she assured him, "But in order to repair any damage that's been cost, you need to talk to Steve. To move forward. From what you've told me he's a very understanding person. I'm sure once you've apologized and explain to him the steps you've taken to help your mental health, I'm sure he'd be willing to accept you back into his life."

"I'm not so sure," he looked down at his hands.

"You won't know until you've tried. Listen, I'm not here to tell you what to do or what not to do. I'm just here to help you navigate your thoughts a little better. In a more healthy way. If you're really serious about living a more healthier mental life, I think you should talk to him. You don't want to really throw this lifelong friendship away, do you?"

"No, I don't," he shakes his head.

"Good. Remember to be honest," she tells him, "Vulnerability isn't a bad thing. Your feelings aren't a nuisance. it's how you handle them is what matters. I'm not saying you have to talk to him as soon as you walkout of here. I just want you to start making the notion of doing so. Our time is just about up, how about we do this. Some homework for the week.

"I want you to write a letter to Steve. Bring it in next week, you don't have to read it. But I would like to discuss it. What do you say?"

"Okay, I could do that," he agreed.

Christmas week

Steve and Elizabeth flew back home a few days before Christmas. They put their bags in the trunk of their rental car.

The car ride was silent for awhile, both tired after a long flight, now sitting in traffic on their way back to their parents' place. This would be their first time back to Brooklyn since the whole Bucky situation. The road trip back to California was fun, but there was a looming sadness over Steve. It's not like he regrets standing up to Bucky he doesn't. He just wishes thing would've played out differently. He really wished Bucky would've talked to him before he left back to California.

"How are you feeling about being back?" Elizabeth asks, while they sat in traffic.

"I don't know," Steve sighs, "Feels weird going back home and not talking to Bucky."

"Maybe you should try calling him. It's been a few months. I'm sure he'd be willing to hear you out," she said, rubbing his right arm.

"I don't want to push him," Steve said through gritted teeth, his grip on the steering wheel getting tighter.

Bucky had been a touchy subject the last few months. During the first month Elizabeth would ask Steve if he'd heard from him, the answer always being no, followed by Steve shutting down. After that Elizabeth stopped asking, noticing how much it was affecting Steve, but the constant reminder of it wasn't helping. She knew that if Bucky ever did call, Steve would tell her. The only thing she could do was be patient and be there for Steve whenever he needed her.

The holidays kept everyone busy. On Christmas Eve. Steve spent it with Elizabeth's family at her grandma's house. Elizabeth found herself watching Steve play with her younger cousins, she couldn't help but giggle when they roped him into a tea party. She found herself imagining a future where Steve would do the same with their own children. She quickly shook the daydream away. Reprimanding herself a little for even thinking about kids at their young age.

On Christmas morning Elizabeth and Steve spent it with his parents. It was a nice peaceful day just lounging around in their pajamas. For dinner, Elizabeth's parents went over to have dinner at the Rogers' house. It was a nice little send off dinner for their parents who were leaving for Mexico to spend the New Years for a couples' getaway.

Elizabeth and Steve were heading to the Hamptons to spent NYE with Wanda, Thor, Loki, and Scott. They had planned to have a nice, peaceful trip.

While Steve and Elizabeth were at the Hamptons, Bucky and Natasha were spending their NYE at his family's beach cottage in Port Washington.

They were cuddled on the couch surrounded by take out containers, watching the New Years Eve special waiting for midnight to happen.

Bucky got up about 15 minutes to midnight to grab something from the kitchen. He walked back into the room with a new bottle of champagne and two champagne flutes.

"Got some champagne," he said holding it up for Natasha to see.

"Um," Natasha awkwardly shifted in her seat, "Actually about that."

Bucky looked at Nat confused, putting the bottle and flutes down on the coffee table before sitting back down next to her.

"What's wrong" he asked, grabbing the tv remote to mute the tv, and give Natasha his full undivided attention.

"So there's something I haven't told you," she says looking down at her fidgeting fingers.

"You're worrying me Nat," Bucky said, grabbing her hands to help ease her nerves

She looked up to meet his worry filled eyes.

"I'm pregnant," she announced.

Bucky eyes widen at her announcement, instantly dropping her hands. The look on her face showing she was telling the truth.

"How is that possible?" He asks in disbelief, "We've been so careful. We use double the protection. Condoms and you're on the pill."

"Actually about that," she nervously shifted under his intense gaze, "I haven't been on birth control in a little over two months."

"What?" Bucky yelled, quickly rising from his seat, "What do you mean you haven't been on birth control in a little over two months?"

"I got off of it," she shrugged trying to play it off, "It's my body and I can do what I want with it. And I just wanted to give my body a break, I've been on the pill since I was 15."

"I get it's your body, Natasha, I'm all for you doing whatever you want," he stresses, "but you should've told me. I'm your boyfriend, we have sex frequently. You should've at least had the respect of your sexual partner, letting him know that you were no longer on birth control. So in that case I could've been a tad more careful."

"We were using condoms," she half heartedly defended herself.

"They aren't 100% effective Natasha," he gripped his hair, in complete disbelief over this entire conversation, "You even know that. That also doesn't defend yourself for not telling me. You should've told me."

"I'm sorry. It's not like I was planning for this to happen," she yelled.

Bucky just stared at her like she just grew two heads. How is she not freaking out, he thought. They were clearly way too young for this. Which is why they took precautionary measures.

After a few moments of silence Natasha spoke up, "I'm keeping the baby."

Bucky didn't know what to say. He felt the room closing in on him. He started having a hard time catching his breath.

"James," Natasha quietly said, getting up to check on him. He raised his hand, silently telling her to stay where she's at.

He headed for the back door, the house felt too suffocating for him. He walked through the the small yard to the gate that led to the beach. Stumbling around.

To a stranger they would just think he's drunk. In reality he was just having a panic attack.

It was all too much. His mind was racing.

She's pregnant. With a baby. My baby. I'm going to have a kid. I'm going to be a dad. I'm not ready to be a dad. My dad was shit. God I can't be like my dad. I'm not ready for all of this.

He put his hands on his knees, hunched over trying to catch his breath. But he just couldn't. He did the only thing he could think of. He pulled out his phone and dialed the only person he knew would help.

Steve and Elizabeth were laughing with their friends, waiting for the countdown to begin. Steve felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He moved his shoulder off of the back of the couch, where Elizabeth was cuddled up against.

He pulled his phone out and his heart dropped at the name that appeared. He quickly got up and walked out of the living room and upstairs to the room where he was staying in for the week.

Wanda raised her eyebrow at Elizabeth, who just shrugged her shoulders, equally as confused.

"Bucky?" Steve answered the phone, closing the door behind him. He could hear Bucky hyperventilating on the other side.

"Steve," he tried to get out.

"Buck, what's wrong?" Steve asked, pressing the phone even closer to his ear the sound of everyone downstairs counting down to midnight.

"Steve, I-," Bucky was struggling to get out.

"Buck, please try to calm down," Steve stressed, "Inhale, hold it for a few seconds and then exhale. You need to calm down. I can't help you, if I can't understand you."

Bucky tried his best to calm himself down, with Steve talking him through it.

"Now, can you explain to me what's wrong?" Steve asked, hearing Bucky's breathing leveling out more.

"I-I'm not re-ready Steve," Bucky stutters, sniffling his nose.

"It's okay take your time, I'm here whenever you're ready."

"No, it's Natasha.”

"What's Natasha? Is she okay?" Steve questioned, getting more concerned.

"Yes, she's fi-ine," he stuttered again, trying to say the words.

"Where are you Buck?" Steve asked, looking around for his shoes and keys.

"I'm at the beach cottage."

"I'm in the Hamptons. Is there any way you can meet me back at my place?"

"Yeah, I think I can," Bucky said a bit more calmer now.

"Okay, I'll see you soon."

When midnight struck Elizabeth went upstairs to check on Steve, making sure everything was okay. She could hear him on the phone talking to Bucky, trying to calm him down. She waited outside of the door to give them some privacy.

Twenty minutes later Wanda went to go check on them, to find Elizabeth sitting on the floor.

"Is everything okay?" She whispered.

"I don't know," she answered, "I'm waiting for Steve. You can head back down, I'll be down shortly."

"Okay. We're here if you guys need anything," Wanda said before walking back down.

After another 25 minutes Elizabeth heard Steve hang up the phone. She softly knocked on the door, and let herself in. She walked in to see Steve frantically going around the room collecting his things.

"Steve is everything okay?"

"It's Buck. He called me while he was having a panic attack. Something about Natasha," he tells her.

"Is she okay?"

"I think so. I was able to calm him down. I need to get back home," he said putting his things in his suitcase.

"Okay. I completely understand. Do you want me to go with you for the drive?" She asked.

"I don't want you to have to cut your time here short," he says, feeling guilty for bringing this on her.

"Steve, something is clearly going on with Bucky. I want you to go to him, but maybe it's best if I drove. I haven't had a drink in hours, and you seem too frantic. Please let me help," she pleaded, placing her hand on his stopping him.

Steve looked up and noticed the worry on Elizabeth's face.

"Okay," he gave in, "We'll need to leave as soon as we can."

Elizabeth nodded, quickly grabbing her weekender bag and start shoving things in. If they forgot anything's he knew Wanda would bring it back.

They said their quick goodbyes and were on the road within 5 minutes, with Elizabeth behind the wheel and Steve fidgeting in the passenger seat.

Bucky took a few minutes to himself on the beach, trying to make sure his anxiety was at rest before he headed back inside. When he entered the house, Natasha shot up from her seat.

"Happy New Years," she awkwardly said, trying to cut the obvious tension.

"Umm," Bucky scratched his head looking everywhere but at Natasha, "We need to leave."

"What?"

"I mean, you can stay if you want and I'll pick you up tomorrow," he rephrased, "But I can't stay here. I need to go. Steve is meeting me at his house."

"Steve?" She was taken back by that mention, not expecting to hear Bucky say his name. He hasn't mentioned Steve in months.

"Yeah, I called him," Bucky says rubbing the back of his neck.

"Well that's good right?"

"Yeah, listen. I really need to go, so are you going to stay or come with me?"

"To see Steve?"

"No. I would drop you off at your place," he tells her, "I'm seeing Steve alone."

"Will she be there?"

Natasha didn't really know exactly why Steve and Bucky weren't talking, at first. Then she heard that Steve and Elizabeth were dating, and it all made sense. The only person that could tear Bucky and Steve apart. She never told Bucky that she knew. Figured it wasn't worth the fight. Especially not now when she was carrying his child.

To an outsider it might seem like she got pregnant on purpose, but that wasn't the case. She knew they were too young for this, at least that's what she thought when she first found out about the pregnancy a week ago. But now that she's sat with it she's taking it as a sign that this is meant to happen. She's just really hoping that Bucky would see it, if not now but eventually.

"Listen, Natasha, I don't have time for this," he looks her in the eyes, "Are you coming or not?"

"I'll get my bag," she remarked with a snark tone, walking passed him to their shared room.

A couple of hours later Bucky was pulling up in front of the Rogers' house. 2:15 am read the clock in his car. He looked to his right, out the passenger side window to see a dark figure sat on the front steps of the house.

Bucky took one last breath before exiting the vehicle.

As soon as he opened the front gate Steve stood up from where he was sat on the stairs.

Once Bucky approached him both young men threw their arms around each other. Gripping each other tightly, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall. They stayed like that for awhile. Relishing in the comfort of being back in each other's arms. Their silent fight no longer important. All they knew in that moment was everything was going to be okay, because no matter what they'll always have each other.

Steve walked into his parents' living room holding two mugs of coffee. As he rounded the couch, he handed one to Bucky.

"Sorry, if I ruined any of your plans," Bucky apologized, "Tell Elizabeth I'm sorry for taking you away."

'Buck, don't worry about it," Steve waved him off, "She completely understands. And truth be told, I wasn't necessarily feeling in the New Year's mood."

"Yeah," Bucky sighs.

"Do you want to talk about what happened tonight?" Bucky nods his head, placing the coffee mug on the coffee table in front of him. He shifted his body to the left to face Steve.

"She's pregnant," he announces.

"What?" Steve asked, not expecting that to be the reason, he quickly placed his mug next to Bucky's.

"Yeah, my reaction exactly," Bucky said.

"What? How?"

"Apparently Natasha hasn't been on the pill in a couple of months," Bucky explains, "And even though we always used condoms, they aren't exactly 100% effective."

"Did you know she wasn't on the pill?"

"Nope," Bucky tells him, "If I knew I wouldn't been a bit more cautious."

"So she told you she was pregnant?" Steve said getting back to it.

"Yeah. She was so nonchalant about it. Like it was no big deal," Bucky stressed,

"How is she just so calm. We're not prepared for this. I'm not ready for this Steve. I can't be a dad. I don't even know how to be a decent human being."

"That's not true Buck," Steve disagreed.

"Come on Steve, we haven't talked in months, and we both know it's not because you didn't try," Bucky says, "I was so caught up in my own jealousy. And selfishness, that I never even considered your feelings or Elizabeth's. And I don't think I can ever make it up to you for treating you like you're nothing to me."

"You were hurt," Steve tried to excuse.

"Doesn't excuse the way I behaved," Bucky says, "I know that now."

"I've been seeing a therapist," Bucky informs him, "I never realized how much my mental health was taking a toll on those around me. So after our fight, I found someone to talk to. To work through the shit that's going on in my mind."

"How's that been going?" Steve asked.

"Good," Bucky gives a half smile, "Really good. She's good. I've realized a lot about myself that I didn't know. Working through all the issues I've had with my father leaving."

"That's good Buck. I'm proud of you, truly," Steve beamed, patting Bucky on the shoulder.

"I really am sorry for the way I behaved," Bucky repeated again.

"Buck, you really don't have to apologize again," Steve told him.

"I need to Steve," he said, "I can't believe I acted that way. I should've been happy for you and Elizabeth. I'm glad you two have each other. Seriously. I couldn't imagine her with anyone better, same goes for you. I won't cause any more issues for you two. It's not worth not having you in my life. You're my brother Steve, and I don't want to miss anything."

"Thanks, Buck. It really means a lot to me to hear that," Steve smiles, "Because I don't want to miss anything in your life also."

"Yeah, especially now," he says, the reality of why they're there dawning back.

"How are you feeling now about the baby?"

"I don't know, man," Bucky shakes his head, "I'm afraid I'm going to screw this up, like everything else."

"But now you're working on that," Steve reminds him, "And you're not going to be doing this alone. You have people who are always going to be there. I may be in California now, but I'm just a phone call away. You're not alone. But you do have to try Buck. That's all that you can ever do. Try your best, no one's asking you to be perfect, but as long as you're trying your best, that's what's important."

Age: 21 Year: 2015

The sounds of a baby crying woke Bucky up from his sleep in the early depths of the morning. He quietly and quickly got out of bed, making his way to the small New York kitchen to make a bottle.

He walked into the small nursery where the two-month-old baby wailed from hunger.

"It's okay," Bucky shushed gently, picking up the small baby, "Daddy's here."

He adjusted the small baby in his arms before placing the bottle in the baby's mouth.

"There you go," he encouraged the small one, as soon as he heard the sounds of the baby drinking.

Bucky sat down on the chair in the corner of the room, opposite of the crib. He just stared as the newborn drank their bottle, while simultaneously falling asleep. Even though he was completely exhausted, he had never felt more happier. More at peace with where his life was at.

As long as he kept trying his best, he knows he can do this for the rest of his life.

[6rookie-writer0110]

I don't know. Might further the plot.?

Male Reader x Avengers Cast

Request- Do you think you could make a Avengers cast X Male reader & his talking about his past & saying his been in juvenile detention & jail cause he had a rough childhood & his friend (oc) always helped him and stayed by his side & helped him get into drama class & he was good at it & now his new movie is coming out & it's about helping his character with his depression, suicidal thoughts & he meets his love interest who becomes his girlfriend in real life & her character helps him through depression

Your childhood was rough because your father would hit you physically and mentally abuse you. Your mother would do the same, also she would call you horrible names. Your father is known for selling drugs and always gambling. Your mother is a drunk and always high on drugs. You barely went to school and if you did you would cause problems.

You have always been on a rough path, your rap sheet is long as the train tracks. You didn't go to school often because you were in juvenile detention, many people gave up on you. When your turned eighteenth, you were in and out of jail. Since your parents didn't care for you they didn't pay for your bail. The longest sentence you did in prison was eight years.

After getting out of prison, you packed what you had left, took the van, and stole from your parents. You stole your dad’s pot to make quick cash.

As days went on you slept in your van. You would sell pot, with that money you would buy food and fill up the van. It's the middle of the night and you are sleeping, your best friend John Krasinski, banged on the van. You opened the door and you tackled him to the ground.

”Dude it's me!!!” John yelled.

You were about to punch him.

”What the fuck!?” You yelled.

You get off him and he gets off the ground.

”You almost gave a heart attack!!” You yelled.

It's freezing because it's November.

”I heard what happened. I came to get you and tell you to move in with me” John said.

You and John Krasinski have been friends for a long time. You trust him and only him. He has been there for you many times and never left your side.

”I don't know men. I can't even pay rent on time and I won't get a job from nine to five” You said.

”Just move in before you freeze to death,” John said.

”Fine,” You said.

-----

The next day, you start to help John run his lines. He is trying out for a role on a show called the office. You always help him run his lines, even in high school when he tried to the school play. He told you to try out for the school play but you said no.

”Y/N, you should really get into acting. You are really good and you should think about being an actor” John said.

”Don’t lie to me,” You said.

”I’m serious. With more training then you will become a better actor. I think you should take a shot at it. Now you are not doing anything with your life, take a chance” John said.

You have always been into acting but never took it seriously. You start to think and you are unsure what he said.

”I will think about it,” You said.

”Okay. Give me a ride?” John said.

”Yeah sure,” You said.

John goes to acting classes also he pays for you to go. At first, you hesitated to go but you didn't have money to pay for the classes. But you promised him that you will pay him back later on.

✧ ✯ ✧ ✫

John has been helping you become a better actor. But he can't help all the time because he has his own life. You get one role for acting but it was to be an extra, you took it paid $200.

You tried out for a role to start in an Iron man movie, it was for a small role but you didn't get it. And you can't afford to do headshots.

”What’s your name?” He asked.

”Y/N... I really like your movies, ” You said.

”I saw your audition. I see you have potential but you need acting lessons” Robert said.

”I can't afford it. Most times, I sleep in my van and doing random jobs” You said.

You watched every single movie that Robert Downey Jr. Did.

”I will help you and I will be your mentor,” Robert said.

”No way!!” You sad very loud.

You can't stop smiling and he is serious. You are still speechless and can't stop smiling. Later, you told John about it and he is happy for you. Robert will let you live with him but you told him, to repay him back you will do chores around the house.

-----

You are happy that you get to sleep in a new bed. Every day he gives you lessons for acting. He tells how to bring the characters to life and cry on cue. You always run lines with him and he tells you what you do wrong.

” Besides my best friend, you are the only one who ever believed in me,” You said.

He hugged you and you did cry a little bit, he starts to rub your back.

”It’s okay. Let it all out. You are a good person, you are the only one that has control for your future” Robert said.

You wipe the tears away.

”That means a lot,” You said with a small smile.

✧ ✯ ✧ ✫

You have been getting small roles on tv shows and some indie movies. You always give it your all and you keep improving in each role you get.

You got your big break to appear in The Avengers in the first movie. You got the role of Marcus "Marc" Milton aka Hyperion.

Hyperion possesses great physical strength. Between 75 and 100 tons. Marcus Milton was able to hold two piles of the earth apart to prevent them from colliding with each other for a period of time, confront the Hulk blow-for-blow until the Hulk reverted back to human form. He also does not require air, food, or water to survive as long as his body absorbs Solar energy. Also, he is a Trucker, adventurer, vigilante, former teacher.

---

But you didn't have a role in Avengers: Age of Ultron. For the first movie, you invited John to the movie premiere.

With the cast, you get along with them really well. Sometimes play pranks each other, make each other laugh during sets, and more. You and Robert still have a good relationship, he is still your mentor. John always supports you in any role you get. During an interview, you said you hope gets a role in a Marvel movie.

✧ ✯ ✧ ✫

You decided to take a chance to make your own movie. It took a while for your script to be completed. You meet Elizabeth Olsen for the first time and she got the lead role. She will play your love interest in the movie.

While shooting the movie during sets and offset, you and Elizabeth would spend time together. She does invite you to her house and you always yes. Always making each other laugh and you like to stare at her green eyes.

”You should help me cook more often,” Elizabeth said.

You laughed.

”Only to help you. My parents never taught me how to cook or taught me anything positive” You said.

”You still don't talk to your parents?” Elizabeth asked.

”No. They did contact me two months ago, pretending they care about me. They only called because I am famous. I don't want to give them a second chance, they made my childhood a living hell” You said.

She hugged you and it caught you off guard, but you did hug her back. Later, you and Elizabeth eat dinner outside in the backyard and kept talking. Later, she taught you how to make smores and you love it.

-----

You and Elizabeth go to the beach because it's very hot in California. You start to help put sunblock on Elizabeth’s back and the paparazzi take pictures of everything.

You told her you don't know how to swim, she decided to teach you how to swim. She teaches you the basics and how to breathe underwater. You come out of the water and you start to cough. She starts to pat your back.

”Did you swallow the water?” Elizabeth asked.

You nod and coughed again.

”Y-yeah. It's hard to breathe underwater” You sad.

”It’s not and I will keep teaching you,” Elizabeth said.

Again she teaches you how to breathe underwater. The paparazzi take pictures of when she kissed you.

----

Working on a movie that is dark, you and Elizabeth try to make each other laugh. She would take pictures with you and post it on her Instagram account. You are sitting down on your chair and you are using your phone. She takes a picture of you and writes something.

So cute when he is focused 😍

✧ ✯ ✧ ✫

You did appear in the other movies Avengers: Infinity War and Endgame. Now you go on promo tours with the cast, it's always fun with them. You did talk about your character Hyperion.

”i will appear in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier and Loki. But I won't say what will happen for now” You said.

”Can you tell us about your new movie?” He asked.

You nod.

”My character has depression and he is suicidal. He meets his love interest who becomes his girlfriend, who is played by, Elizabeth Olsen and her character helps him through everything. It's hard for him to believe that anyone truly cares for him and she proves that she does care for him. Robert also worked on the movie has a co-writer and producer” You said.

”Is everyone invited to the movie premiere?” He asked.

”Of course not. I don't get along with them, they are such divas and horrible to work with” You joked.

Everyone starts to laugh.

”Why are you laughing? It's true” You said.

”I hate Y/N, I'm so happy I won't see him again. And I won't go to his movie premiere” Scarlett Johansson joked.

”I agree with her” Chris Evans joked.

”You have to tell us. Are you really Elizabeth Olsen’s boyfriend?” He asked.

”I knew you two were going to end up dating,” Jeremy said.

”Is it true?” He asked.

”Yeah-”

”How did you even ask her to be your girlfriend?” Mark asked.

”She lost a bet in Uno, duh. How else I would be her boyfriend” and you are serious about it.

That didn't happen.

----

You are finally home and Elizabeth is staying the night over. You do enjoy cooking together with her. You and Elizabeth watch the new movie Scoob while eating dinner.

”I saw the interview,” Elizabeth said.

”What do you think?” You asked.

She laughed and drinks her wine.

”Can't believe I lost in Uno and we are stuck together” Elizabeth teased.

You and Elizabeth laughed.

”You could have won if cheated but it's not my fault you lost” You winked.

”You are such a doofus” Elizabeth laughed.

You laughed too. Elizabeth again stole a hoodie from you. It's cold and she loves wearing your hoodies, you like how she looks in it so you don't say anything about it.

✧ ✯ ✧ ✫

Since you said Elizabeth lost in Uno, when she does interviews they ask her about it. She goes along with it.

The night of the movie premiere, Robert and the others arrived to support you. Everyone posed for the cameras, you are not serious because you are making everyone laugh.

[jtrokujo]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐊

paring: Tobio Kageyama x fem!Reader

word count: 2.9k

warnings: for people who are dealing with depression or who are currently lonely etc please talk to someone. I don't know myself if that needs a warning, but I still wanted to write it here.

gerne: depression

summary: from a happy relationship to pure loneliness. even though the relationship was so beautiful it ended anyway, would they ever talk to each other again?

—

The days are just around the corner.

The days we are together, but unfortunately also the last time, because after this day everyone goes their own way.

You grow up, some start your own family, buy a big house, a pet, but the question is, do I want that?

This is the life that probably every average adult and I don't want such a life, I want to have someone by my side with whom I can be happy, I don't want more.

This someone shouldn't be anyone other than Tobio Kageyama, but we argued and definitely 2 months before our prom and whether it was enough, it was not a 'normal' argument where you get along after 10 or 5 minutes.

No, we had and separated, the relationship was over.

I don't remember how it really came about, because this argument was pure escalation.

We screamed and so loudly that I didn't know myself whether this could be normal for a person.

But I can remember one part of our argument all too well when Kageyama threw our photo on the wall so that the panes of glass were spread across the floor.

It was the picture with the most emotions, these moments were so beautiful that we did everything that nothing would ever come that could destroy something like that, we were either naive or stupid.

This picture was on our anniversary, our 2 year old, the day that made us naive that we could be together forever.

We were together for a lovely 2 years, I was at his games, we bought mangas, drank our coffee together and ate our favorite cake over our favorite coffee, where we also had our second date.

I remember too well how Kageyama tried to ask me at the time if I would go to the school ball with him, after I answered 'yes' he hugged me by putting all his weight on my body, a little heavy.

But I should seriously stop thinking about the old days after knowing his face - and he is mine.

There are also enough boys or even easier, I just don't go there, but I still have to think about the expensive dress my parents had saved for me.

Knowing not to dress just because of a guy shows how weak I am, I just let my dreams, which I've had for years, burst?

Even when I was little I dreamed of dancing with my lover in front of all classmates, how his amorous eyes met mine and then he just wanted to be with me, which is why he took my hand and we together from school, or wherever we are, and then he just looks at me and says how much he loves me, until it rains in a moment and we still dance together until the night ends.

However, we stopped and his steps approached me and his eyes met my lips, that's the moment, in the middle of the rain he would kiss me.

That's the stereotype that almost every girl had, but only almost.

By that I mean your lover kisses you in the middle of the rain.

It's only noon.

I should make something of my day instead of just thinking about the weirdest things, or about him.

With no motivation whatsoever, she took her cell phone and wrote to a good friend.

TIME SKIP

"Really, I'm proud of you for going out. Believe me or not, but I was seriously worried that you would spend your life thinking until prom."

Said the young volleyball player from her school and hugged her as he finished his sentence.

"I'm fine and you don't have to worry about me, Sugawara."

She muttered while her head stayed on his left chest and she could feel his heartbeat.

Walking together in the city they talk about a different topic every 5 minutes and none of them seem to bother, sometimes they talk about silly series, sometimes they gossip about their classmates, sometimes they give each other little advice until he said this " Tell me, do you already have a mask? "

She looked at him in amazement and asked "Which mask?"

"We have the topic of the masked ball, you were in favor of it when we talked to the others about it."

Not all of that.

Annoyed, she sighed and saw a mother taking care of her daughter, who has a small wound.

"(Y / N)?" he asked her and grabbed her shoulders and said right away, "How about we take a little break. I heard that the new animated film isn't that bad after all, come on."

Nobody who could see her from the outside could say she was crying, but she did, unfortunately couldn't.

Your body doesn't cry, your mind does.

To know someone like Sugawara is like a gift from heaven, a pure guardian angel.

When we arrived at the cinema, (Y / N) paid Ticktes and Sugawara for the meal.

Strangers would think it was a date, even if it was a friendship date, because just being friends with the opposite sex doesn't mean that they can be a couple or anything else.

(Y / N) should already choose a place and not long she found one, if that wasn't enough, but the hall is empty, a dream come true, sitting she took her cell phone and scrolled through her gallery, two words , a mistake.

Every second photo feels like it is from Kageyama.

Small tears welled up in her eyes, but she knew he wasn't worth it.

"(Y / N)?" she hears Sugawara's voice in amazement.

She turned and got his attention.

Sitting comfortably he started to eat and asked her if her cell phone was on mute, nodding she answered him and asked him if she could rest her head.

"Uh, of course, why not?" and made himself comfortable.

And now the 15 minute long commercials started.

TIME SKIP

Together with a friend in the shop, the two teenagers look for a mask to steal away the ball.

The mood for it is in the basement.

For once, she goes with someone who is also a gentleman and whether it is not enough, it cannot be overlooked that he has feelings for the classmate.

But what about (Y / N)?

She wants to have time for herself, because you don't necessarily need a partner to be happy, there is also no need.

In addition, she unfortunately still loves him, but the thought of him immediately occurred to her, where is he?

They go to the same class and when school is over she has to go to the sports hall because there is a shorter way and she still doesn't see him, then the thought occurred to her, 'He's not worth it'.

And where are you now?

It is hard to believe that all of the stores are at a tailor's.

But for that the old man seems to be able to do it pretty well, the prices could do away with one or the other, but you only live that way once.

While the friend was still choosing what her mask should look like, (Y / N) already got an idea and told the old man that she had an idea.

Because of her little mental breakdowns, it's nice to see that she has other things on her mind, but while she's talking to the old man about the mask and he's already preparing a sketch, the black-haired one is on the other side of town, alone though not.

"You don't even try to get in touch with her. What you said to her shouldn't say anything to anyone, so go to her tomorrow at school and apologize, then you can both live in peace."

Immediately after the little volleyball player finished his sentence, the black haired volleyball player threw him in the face, silencing him.

"H-hey! What was that supposed to mean?"

"You should stop talking!"

Kageyama yelled at his friend.

"You made me come with you!" he pisses at him.

Trapped in his own mind, Kageyama threw the ball to Hinata, his mistake being that he 1. hit it too hard and 2. the ball was a little too high, which is an advantage for Hinata.

Fixing on the ball, he jumped into the heights of the ball and hit it.

Immediately the ball landed roughly on Kageyama's face, holding his nose painfully, which was bleeding from himself.

Hinata, who is somewhat panicked, apologized several times and handed him a small handkerchief.

That still has him, probably what the pain his ex-girlfriend had to endure immediately after he ended the relationship with her, but he doubts that right away, pain like the one he has is not at all comparable to that of (Y / N) and many other people.

Trapped in his own mind, Kageyama threw the ball to Hinata, his mistake being that he 1. hit it too hard and 2. the ball was a little too high, which is an advantage for Hinata.

Fixing on the ball, he jumped into the heights of the ball and hit it.

Immediately the ball landed roughly on Kageyama's face, holding his nose painfully, which was bleeding from himself.

Hinata, who is somewhat panicked, apologized several times and handed him a small handkerchief.

That still has him, probably what the pain his ex-girlfriend had to endure immediately after he ended the relationship with her, but he doubts that right away, pain like the one he has is not at all comparable to that of (Y / N) and many other people.

He looked at his hand, which was covered with blood, he immediately took his bottle with his free hand and poured it over his hand.

Then he looked at Hinata and sighed, "Let's go shopping tomorrow."

Hinata himself noticed how his friend was changing, but he does not want to interfere in matters that do not concern him, but unfortunately he knew too well that it cannot go on like this and since Kageyama and something has happened Hinata reached for his cell phone and wrote (Y / N).

It is late in the evening when (Y / N) came home safe and sound, she took a warm shower, but immediately afterwards she went straight to her room without having eaten anything.

She carefully took her finished mask out of her bag, then took out her headphones, snacks, her wallet and her cell phone, when she wanted to see if she got a message from her friend, she saw that she had one about 3 hours ago Message received from Hinata.

Hey (Y / N), do you have time tomorrow?

Want to annoy you. :)

She couldn't help but grin and wrote to him to get a volleyball.

It's nice to have someone like Hinata because no matter what comes between you, he's always there for you.

Hinata wrote her that she should have nice dreams and was offline immediately afterwards.

(Y / N) decided to sleep right after, because even if she wasn't in the mood to meet anyone before that, apart from her friend from lunchtime, saying no to Hinata is a big taboo.

The next morning (Y / N) got ready and told her parents that Hinata was coming.

Snacks on the desk, the cuddly pillows spread out on the bed and the old Nintendo lying in bed.

Riding a bike with a rucksack, little Orange made his way to his girlfriend.

The weather was too good enough for such a day, because the sun was covered by wool and the clouds are gray, not white like yesterday.

But that didn't stop Hinata from being happy.

After about half an hour, Hinata finally arrived late, he put his bike right next to the door of the (H / C) hairy girl and rang the bell.

Without waiting long the door opened, contrary to what he expected, he saw his girlfriend with an honest smile.

After a short hug, he entered the little house, but of course he took off his shoes for the first time.

While the two friends were having fun, the black-haired one sits alone in his room and watches his favorite films.

Today the day has arrived.

This morning (Y / N) had showered and at the moment she was doing her hair with the help of her mother.

At the same time, Kageyama is pondering in the shower while the water flows through his body.

When the hairstyle fits perfectly on the head (Y / N) just pulled a thin dressing gown under her underwear and watched the new episodes of her series at the same time.

She looks at her cell phone every now and then and notices how slowly the time goes by.

She still has a good 5 hours ahead of her.

TIME SKIP

While her mother helps her to lock the dress, (Y / N) stared at the floor thoughtfully.

"You look like a little princess." said her mother to her and her ear and she looked at the mirror which is in front of them and touched her daughter's shoulders.

A little insecure, she cocked her head and looked in the mirror and she looks pretty pretty.

The hairstyle fits perfectly in the head, the dress exudes an extraordinary aura and now the only thing missing is the mask.

"Where's my mask." she asked her mother, she will get it right away which one was on her bed.

"Thanks." she thanked her and hugged her mother, but not only because of this mask, no.

When she found out that her daughter's relationship was failing, she was always there for her daughter and even managed to cheer her up.

"You have to be there in 20 minutes, come I'll drive you there." said the mother and went ahead.

(Y / N) quickly took her little bag and put her cell phone, power bank and mask there before she left her room.

In the car she asked her mother if she could also pick up Hinata, with a 'yes' she agreed and drove in the direction of the orange-haired one.

He was about to set off on a bicycle when his mother honked the horn and drew attention to him (Y / N), got out of the car and said loudly that he should get in.

Hinata quickly told his mother that he was being driven and ran straight to his girlfriend. "You look great, Hinata." she said to him with which he said, "You always do that." answered.

Giggling, the friends sat down in the car and talked about 10 different topics in this short drive.

"We are there." said the mother.

As they got out, they thanked them and made their way into the building.

"Nervous?" asked Hinata (Y / N), she just shook her head and said that they should go inside.

They parted ways in the building as they are now keeping their friends for company.

Hinata went to his volleyball and greeted each one of them.

(Y / N) went to her small circle of friends and hugged each of them with a warm hug. She noticed that she had forgotten to put on her mask, what she is doing now.

Kageyama, who also talks to Hinata, looks out for his ex-girlfriend, because the only thing he still wants to do is to apologize, he was cowardly yes.

That's why he's so eager to apologize today and besides, he still loves her but he knows himself that it might be better not to get together with her again.

The crowds of students drink some punch, some dance like crazy or talk.

After the time the music got a bit too loud for (Y / N), so she leaves the building and takes a little break.

Without knowing someone else came out the door and it was none other than Kageyama.

"(Y / N)." she heard him say her name, unfortunately she knew that voice too well.

Turning around nervously, she saw him taking the mask off his face, she did the same and asked him what he was doing here.

"I wanted to apologize to you, apologize for how I treated you.

We both know you deserve someone better. I'm terribly sorry (Y / N). "

Kageyama apologized and bowed to (Y / N), of course she was a bit overwhelmed but immediately said "You don't have to apologize for what you are not guilty of, we both made a mistake, so I just think we don't need an apology. "

He hugged her warmly and mumbled softly "Do you think we could become something?"

"Sure, but we shouldn't think about tomorrow if you get what I'm talking about."

Nodding, he continued the hug until she said, "Let's go in, I'm getting cold, aren't you?"

"No, but I think you're right."

TIME SKIP

It has been a total of 2 years after graduation.

The black-haired guy was just getting the last boxes out of the car, while (Y / N) put the boxes in the respective room.

Kageyama quietly crept behind (Y / N) and covered her eyes "Kageyama since I've been your fiancée you can't seem to do anything other than cover my eyes, right?"

She giggled and took his hands from her eyes.

He just giggled and shrugged his shoulders and asked "Shall we order food today?"

"Only when you talk."

"Yeah ok, lazy." he mumbled, but he wasn't quiet enough because she threw one of the little things at him.

"I heard it."

[viscountessevie]

To Lady Paige, With Love [Part 2]

Main Pairing: Eloise Bridgerton x FemOC! Paige Crane [Reference to Past! Marina Thompson x Paige Crane]

Series Summary: A WLW Rewrite of To Sir Phillip, With Love - featuring my OC Paige Crane, Phillip's twin sister. What happens when Eloise Bridgerton writes to Phillip after the death of his wife but her letter gets intercepted by his twin sister who loved more Marina than he ever did?

Chapter Summary: After corresponding with Eloise for over a year using her brother's name, Paige is mourning Marina's first death anniversary. All Paige wanted was some peace and quiet but little does she know, she's in for a rude awakening

Trigger Warnings: Grief, Brief Mentions of Previous Death/Suicide Attempt, Depression & Anxiety

Part 1 - Prologue: Take Me To The Lakes

Chapter 1: Right Where You Left Me [February 1823]

5:48pm. That time would haunt Paige for the rest of her life.

'Time of death: 5:48pm.' the doctor had said. The moment Marina was officially pronounced dead, Paige screamed. She could still hear the echoes of her own scream every night she spent in Marina's room, sobbing herself to sleep. It had been a month since she died. Paige truly understood what Marina felt and went through.

The grief, pain and sadness was all consuming. She was drowning in her own emotions. It made her want to throw herself into the lake and join Marina. At least drowning in the lake was tangible. It was a tangible way to match the melancholy she was feeling. Through the pain, Paige had learnt that when people take their lives, they don't get rid of the melancholy, they simply pass it on. Paige had become a victim of Marina's pain being passed onto her.

She knew that everyone was dealing with the loss on their own but she was just so angry with Phillip and the children and even the staff. Pretending like Marina was never there. The worst part is, she couldn't fault them for it. Marina wasn't there, at least not mentally present. The last month has eased off her anger. She nearly bit Phillip's head off when he came back from his business trip the day before she passed.

"You should have been here! I may love her but she's still your wife!"

"I had a very important specimen to pick up, you know that, Paige." He said gruffly. She was so sick and tired of him using his experiments as an excuse to neglect his family.

"I know that!" She snapped at him, "These trips are getting ridiculous. You can't keep using them to run away from your responsibilities. You made a commitment to her and your children. You completely abandoned them!" Her voice cracked with anger. Now Phillip was getting frustrated with her and snapped back at his twin.

"Do you think I wanted to carry those burdens? I had no choice in the matter! I had to be the one to clean up the mess George left behind!"

She stepped back at her brother's outburst. He never yelled. He refused to be their father. She knew she had crossed the line. She softened her expression.

"I shouldn't have yelled, I apologise. But so help me God, you will not repeat that to her or the children. They are our family, Phillip, 'not a mess George left behind." Her voice was low, laced with a cold fury.

"She's resting now but you should go see her. I'll give you two some privacy." Paige made her suggestion sound like a demand. There was absolutely no reason why he should neglect his duties as a husband now. She wasn't going to let him off the hook for it. She quickly slipped into the room to kiss Marina's forehead. She allowed Philip in and headed off to tend to the children.

Then there was that dreadful conversation where Amanda openly admitted that she was glad her mother was gone. Paige knew on an intellectual level that's not what Amanda had meant. She meant she was happy her mother was happy even if it meant she was gone. But emotionally, it destroyed Paige to hear that.

It was exhausting to feel like the only one who truly cared for Marina. She had all these emotions welled up inside her, screaming to be let out. Yet she felt like she couldn't talk to anyone. The children played and carried on as per normal. While Phillip had stopped taking his trips to avoid the children, he has hidden away in the Greenhouse more often. He refuses to talk about her. What else could she expect from her twin who represses the slightest hint of human emotion. God forbid he let himself feel sad.

She took a deep breath and reminded herself that everyone processed grief in different ways. She needed something to get her mind off things. On cue, Miles came in to deliver the mail. She gestured for him to hand them over and he took his leave.

She flipped through the envelopes, none addressed to her. Of course no one would write to her and the only person who would, died. She was about to put down the pile when a name jumped out at her.

From: Eloise Bridgerton No. 5, Bruton Street London

She remembered Eloise like it was yesterday. They spent some time together during their first season. She came as a package deal with Penelope Featherington. So when Marina had struck up a friendship with Penelope, Paige found herself spending a lot of time with the two of them. The four of them were quite the formidable group during that first season. Paige remembered how many suitors Marina had received. Unable to deal with her jealousy in a healthy manner, she did what she did best, ran away from her emotions. She poured herself into a friendship with Eloise. Somewhere along the way, she had developed feelings for the clever Bridgerton. She recalled how she did her best to repress those feelings. Even though at the time, Marina and her were nowhere close to courtship, Paige still felt like she was being unfaithful to her.

There was just something about Eloise that had drawn Paige to her.

She shook her head rather violently, as if trying to shake those memories away. How could she be thinking of that when she's supposed to be grieving Marina? She set down the letter, leaving it for Phillip to read it later when he finally comes out of hiding.

She stood up to head to Marina's room to mope. It almost seemed like she had taken Marina's place as the Romney Hall's living ghost. What was the point in living your life when the person you wanted to spend it with was gone?

But rising questions about Eloise's letter stopped her. For one, why was it addressed to Phillip rather than her? She knew it had been well over a decade, but had Eloise forgotten her already?

Her plan to mope for the day had been abandoned and she picked up Eloise's letter once again. She picked up the letter opener and impulsively ripped it open.

Sir Phillip Crane —

I am writing to express my condolences on the loss of your wife, my dear friend Marina, I remember her fondly and was deeply saddened to hear of her passing .

Please do not hesitate to write if there is anything I can do to ease your pain at this difficult time .

Yrs,

Miss Eloise Bridgerton

***

Oh. She was just as lovely as Paige remembered her. This was too kind of a letter to delay it's response. Paige went to her room and sat at her desk. She pulled out her stationary kit and fetched herself some parchment and a quill. She quickly penned down a response.

Dear Eloise —

I hope you remember me from your first season. Marina was a dear friend to me as well and I thank you for your kind note on behalf of Marina. It was thoughtful of you to write asking after us.

I offer you this flower attached as thanks. It is called an Eden rose also known as the Pierre de Ronsard, named after the great French poet.

Did you know that it reaches an average diameter of 10 centimetres. The large flowers are very full with 55 to 60 petals. Due to their weight the cupped, globular flowers tend to bow their heads.

It was Marina's favourite flower. She loved the carmine-pink on the inside and ivory on the outside. I hope you enjoy it as much as she did.

Sincerely -

*

She stopped short before she signed it off with her name. She had finally stepped out of her moment of impulsivity. Insanity more like, she thought to herself. She felt awful for invading Eloise and - by extension - Phillip's privacy.

She couldn't send this! How was she going to explain it?

*

Dear Miss Bridgerton —

I am absolutely mad and stole my brother's mail because I used to fancy you when we first debuted together in our first season.

Yours Sincerely, Paige Crane

That would certainly go over well. She would be lucky not to be locked up. She stared at her original letter and ripped it up. She detested the thought of Phillip striking up a friendship with Eloise. Deep down she knew if he became as enamoured with her as she once was, he'd make her his wife. It might have only been a month but she knew her brother. He needed a mother and wife for the children. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that he was already planning to look for one.

He had already taken Marina from her. As twins, they grew up sharing everything, starting from the womb. Everywhere Paige went, Phillip was there. They even had parallel careers. She just wanted this one person to herself. It was selfish she knew but she wanted to keep her London past for herself. Even if it meant never letting Phillip see the letter and responding on her own.

She rewrote another note without a second thought:

Dear Miss Bridgerton,

Thank you for your kind note on behalf of my wife. It was thoughtful of you to take the time to write to a gentleman you have never met. I offer you this full bloom flower as thanks.

It is called an Eden rose also known as the Pierre de Ronsard, named after the great French poet. Did you know that it reaches an average diameter of 10 centimetres. The large flowers are very full with 55 to 60 petals. Due to their weight the cupped, globular flowers tend to bow their heads.

It was Marina's favourite flower. She loved the carmine-pink on the inside and ivory on the outside. I hope you enjoy it as much as she did.

When it came to signing off, she hesitated for a moment at her dishonesty. Then the anger of having lost most of her life and identity to Phillip came up. That was motivation enough for her to scribble the last line of the letter:

Sincerely, Sir Phillip Crane.

***

Letter Correspondence From March 1823 to March 1824 Between Paige Crane & Eloise Bridgerton

Dear Sir Phillip -

Thank you so very much for the charming flower. It was such a lovely surprise when it came attached to the envelope. And such a precious memento of dear Marina, as well .

I could not help but notice your facility with the flower's scientific name and seemed to be knowledgeable about its properties. Are you a botanist?

Yours, Miss Eloise Bridgerton

*

Eloise’s response had come quite quickly in a week. It was no easy feat hiding the letters from Phillip. He was the Lord of the house after all. Paige was lucky enough to have a friend in Miles. She had been the one to stop Phillip from being let go. She had named him her personal assistant instead. She coyly asked Miles for a favour and requested that all of Eloise’s letters be directed to her. He looked at her with utter confusion when she asked.

“Whatever are you up to, Miss Crane?”

“Miles, you know you can call me Paige. We are friends, aren’t we?” She had a mischievous shine in her eye that told him she was up to something.

“I suppose… that doesn’t answer my question, Paige.” He said her name pointedly. She chuckled at him, he was hilarious. She knew she made the right choice keeping him employed.

“Friends trust each other. I promise I will tell you everything down the line.” She shot him a look of promise. That fixed the issue of being found out was solved easily. All she had to do now was enjoy the correspondence.

She still had not been able to break her habit of crying herself to sleep in Marina’s room every night, but these letters took her mind off the grief momentarily. She couldn’t thank Eloise Bridgerton enough for that. She read back Eloise’s response and grinned. Eloise was as charming and eloquent as always. She was clever enough to pick out Paige's interest in plants just by her rambles. Paige also noticed how Eloise was clever enough to end her letter with a question. What a sneaky lady, now Paige had to reply. Not that she was complaining. She was rather happy to have revived this old connection.

She pulled out her stationary and penned her reply. She stuck close to the truth while using Phillip's qualifications. Just because she wasn't allowed a formal education at Cambridge didn't make her any less knowledgeable than her twin. She devoured his textbooks during his University days. She most likely would have beat him to an honours degree in Botany had the fairer sex been allowed to study in Universities.

She followed Eloise's lead and ended her letter with a question as well. She vaguely remembered Eloise’s interest in humanities but she wanted it confirmed from the lady herself.

*

Dear Miss Bridgerton —

Indeed I am a botanist, trained at Cambridge, although I am not currently connected with any university or scientific board. I maintain my own garden at Romney Hall, in my greenhouse. Are you of a scientific bent as well?

Yours , Sir Phillip Crane

The reply came another week later. She smiled at being correct in her assumption. They started going back and forth every week, until a year had passed.

*

Dear Sir Phillip —

Heavens, no, I have not the scientific mind, I'm afraid, although I do have a fair head for sums. My interests lie more in the humanities; you may have noticed that I enjoy penning letters .

Yours in friendship,

Eloise Bridgerton

*

My dear Miss Bridgerton —

Ah, but it is a sort of friendship, isn't it? I confess to a certain measure of isolation here in the country, and if one cannot have a smiling face across one's breakfast table, then one might at least have an amiable letter, don't you agree?

I have enclosed another flower and a book for you. This flower is Centaurea cyanus, more commonly known as the cornflower. They are a personal favourite of mine, especially for its vibrance in colour. They are actually grown as a weed in cornfields, hence where it derives its common name from. Quite beautiful for a weed, wouldn’t you agree?

As for the book, I would like to share a piece of my literary heart with you. You will find a copy of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein in the package. I regard it as a brilliantly complex novel that tackles the existential questions of creating life in such an nuanced manner. I would love to hear your thoughts on it.

With great regard, Phillip Crane

*

Even though it was a friendly exchange of letters, Paige considered sharing her favourite flower and novel a way of elevating the friendship. They were a part of her identity. A part that she was willingly giving away to another to cherish and hold. It was a big step for her and that terrified her. She was scared of developing feelings for someone else. She could not bear to go through it again.

She knew no sane woman - despite being a child of Sappho - would give up the security of a husband and run off with another woman. Most of the sapphic women Paige knew were far too caught up in the social norms to ever step out of their comfort zone into a realm of possibilities of a free life with her. She knew she got lucky with Marina and that Phillip didn’t care enough for Marina to be bothered with their love affair. He also loved his sister enough to be happy with his wife, even if he didn’t understand how she could love a person who seemed to be made of sadness. Paige knew he never understood, but he didn’t have to. Marina and her understood each other and that’s all that truly mattered until the end.

While Eloise has never stated whether she felt that way about women, she did seem like a child of Sappho. The way she had interacted with potential suitors during that first season, or rather the way she didn’t. She hid away from every suitor that came her way. At times, she would pull Paige away to the lemonade table to avoid them, whenever Penelope was too busy dancing with Colin. The way she scoffed at marriage. She just seemed content in her independence. Paige had admired that about her.

*

As always her next letter did not disappoint:

Dear Sir Phillip —

Thank you for the book and flower, I truly appreciated them. I have always found sharing books recommendations with companions is like giving them a piece of yourself. So I thank you again, for gifting me a piece of yourself. I promise to cherish it.

And I have read Frankenstein before! It truly is one of its kind. I could go on for hours on end about how much I love this book and how brilliantly crafted it is. Perhaps, should we ever meet, we could discuss it over tea one day.

The cornflower was wonderful, thank you. I do love how it seems to shine a brighter blue in the sunlight. I think it might be my favourite flower as well.

Yours, Eloise Bridgerton.

A dreamy sigh escaped Paige’s lips as she drank in Eloise’s latest words. Paige had never felt more seen and understood. Eloise expressed the sentiment of Paige’s intent with the book and flower exactly. Paige might have used her brother’s name, but she knew in her heart Eloise knew her - even if it was not by her given name. She found the line about meeting and discussing the novel over tea, a rather bold choice. Was Eloise inviting her to tea?

She sighed when the sobering truth hit her. Eloise wasn’t inviting her. She was inviting her brother. She knew what she had to do - politely shut her down.

Dearest Miss Bridgerton —

You took the words right out of my quill. Those were my exact intentions when I thought of sending my favourite flower and book over to you. I am very much honoured that you cherish an important part of myself. I truly appreciate it. Truth be told, I appreciate you and our friendship.

Perhaps, one day. Tea does sound lovely.

What mischief have you been causing as of late? I am always excited to read your recounts of your daily adventures.

Yours as always, Phillip Crane. * Over the next few months simply flew by for Paige, the letters giving her a reprieve from her grief. They talked about anything and everything under the sun. She learned everything there is to know about Eloise Bridgerton. They exchanged childhood stories, more books between the two of them - Paige found out that Eloise’s guilty pleasure was Jane Austen’s romance novels - and held full conversations of various academic subjects. Her most prized possession was Eloise’s old copy of Persuasion filled with Eloise’s notes and thoughts on the book. Paige’s heart soared the moment she received it. It was Eloise’s version of giving Paige a piece of herself. She hadn’t read Persuasion before so she was glad for the recommendation. The botanist couldn’t help but laugh as she read the novel. Anne and Captain Wentworth’s story seemed to mirror hers. Their 7 year separation felt rather familiar to having not seen Eloise since their first season.

Before she knew it, a year had passed. She was startled when she saw the calendar on her desk when penning her latest letter to Eloise. 14th February 1824. It was the day Marina attempted to kill herself a year ago. Tomorrow would be a year since Marina’s last good day. And two days from now, on 17th February 1824, Paige would have to be met with the sobering reality of Marina’s death anniversary.

The holidays had been hard as it could be. The empty chair Marina had previously occupied was staring at Paige while her family carried on with their jovial Christmas dinner. She couldn’t understand how they could simply get on with their lives while she felt like a piece of her was missing. Yes, Marina was not much for festivities but sitting beside her and enjoying the food they cooked together was the highlight of Christmas. It was the only time Marina felt well enough to help Paige prepare the feast.

Marina’s birthday had been the hardest to deal with of course. She would have been twenty and eight then. Paige visits Marina's grave at least once a week. It calms and soothes her intense moments of grief. Sitting by the grave on Marina's birthday was a new kind of pain. Knowing that she was taken from the world far too early. Knowing that she should have been there right beside Paige. It was the hardest Paige had cried since Marina had died.

She had no idea how she was going to deal with her death anniversary.

She just knew she needed time to herself. She looked down at the letter she was going to write and found big splashes of tears all over the parchment.

"Blast it!" She cursed and crushed the paper, tossing it into a nearby bin. She was furious with herself for forgetting. For allowing herself to be happy when she didn’t deserve it. She wiped her tears angrily and quickly scribbled one last letter to Eloise.

Dear Miss Bridgerton —

These letters have brought me such comfort over a very difficult year. I cannot thank you enough for it, Eloise Bridgerton.

I do regret to inform you, I would like to pause these letters for the month. I require some time to process and mourn Marina's first death anniversary. I'm sure you can understand it will be a rather difficult time.

Thank you for understanding and do take care, Miss Bridgerton.

Yours, Phillip Crane

Paige could barely get through the letter without feeling guilty. Feeling guilty for abandoning Eloise so abruptly. Feeling guilty for using her as a distraction from her grief over Marina. Most of all, she hated how she can't seem to remember the smallest things about Marina. She was forgetting her love's memory and it was driving her mad. She tried her best to conjure up how she smelled, the sound of her voice, how she was. Paige found the little details escaping her. Memories slipping through her fingers. She detested this. She didn't know how she had gotten to this point.

She had allowed her corresponding flirtation with Eloise to soothe her pain. But her pain was the one thing she had left of Marina. Letting it go meant letting go of Marina. Paige absolutely refused to do that. If she forgot Marina, there was no one else to keep her memory alive. Phillip and the children certainly didn't care for it. Marina would be lost to history.

*

After delivering the letter to Miles to be mailed out, Paige found herself in Marina's room. She laid on her bed, aimlessly and feeling vacant. She was sure if someone walked in they might mistake her for Marina herself. Paige felt her melancholy creeping up her throat. It threatened to choke her, snuffing all the light out. She sat up and tried to breathe. She was feeling an unusual amount of panic rising within her.

She got out of bed and looked out the window. The lake was in perfect view. Of course, that’s where Marina had gotten the idea, She thought to herself bitterly. She looked up at the sky, imagining her lover was up there somewhere happier. Somewhere calmer, where she had found peace.

“I’m right where you left me, Rina.” She whispered softly. It had been a while since she spoke out loud to Marina but it had brought her so much comfort in the early days of dealing with the grief. For a moment, she could pretend Marina was still there. Then she didn’t have to deal with the all consuming guilt and loneliness that came with losing the love of her life.

Marina might have been the one who died but Paige felt like the ghost. Spending most of her days in Marina's room, sitting still in a corner, almost like she was the one haunting it. She heard what the staff said. Something along the lines of, "What a pitiful sight." And "She deserves better than to replace Lady Marina's disposition." They were valid in their concerns but Paige couldn't care less. This was the way she knew how to grieve and mourn and she'll be damned before she lets anyone dictate the way she feels.

Looking into the reflection of the lake from the window, she could still remember the day Marina walked into the lake. It was terrifying how crystal clear the memory was. It felt like she was frozen in time - forever cursed to be twenty and seven - forced to relive the last few days of Marina's days. The memory of her walking into the lake, Paige having to rescue her, staying by her side the next three days and the moment she died. They swirled around Paige's mind constantly. It was particularly worse since it had been a year.

She was paralysed, unable to find the will to do anything else. So she went back to bed. She sat there, silent and frozen in time. The servants walked past all day to ask her if she was alright. She barely managed a nod.

She swore she could hear a hair pin drop at how silent everything was. Deep down she knew her life stopped the moment Marina had died. Eloise's letters may have made her feel like she could move forward. However, the gaping hole in her heart today proved otherwise.

Everybody moved on. She couldn't. So she settled and stayed there, dust collecting on her pinned-up hair. She knew everyone expected her to find a new purpose or a fresh start. She could have tended to her own garden like Phillip was doing in his Greenhouse on this day.

Yet all she found the energy to do was sit and stare out at the lake. She stayed right there for the next two days. She just wanted the next worst few days of her life to pass her by so she would not have to deal with them. Just until the 17th had passed.

*

Of course as the saying goes, there is no rest for the wicked. All Paige wanted on the 17th of February was some peace but little did she know, a certain Bridgerton would be making their way to Romney Hall.

It started out like any other day. Except for the Crane household, there was a somber remembrance of Marina’s first death anniversary. Paige was relieved that she didn’t have to share the burden alone and that her brother had the decency to acknowledge it. He didn’t bother reminding the children but they were young so she let it slide.

Since the staff had honoured her request of being left alone, around noon Paige dragged herself out of bed to get herself some lunch. Marina would have wanted her to mourn respectfully, not join her up wherever she may be. Paige was on her way back to her room after picking up her meal of roasted mutton with rice and gravy - Marina’s favourite dish - when she overheard a curious conversation between Gunning and her brother.

"Sir Phillip," Gunning said, clearing his throat. "We have a caller." "A caller?" Phillip echoed. "Was that the source of the, ah..." "Noise?" Gunning supplied helpfully. "Yes." "No." The butler cleared his throat. "That would have been your children." "I see," Phillip murmured. "How silly of me to have hoped otherwise." "I don't believe they broke anything, sir." "That's a relief and a change." "Indeed, sir, but there is the caller to consider."

Phillip groaned and Paige immediately knew what he was thinking. Romney Hall hadn’t received callers in years. He was probably wondering who on earth would be calling on this day of all days. Paige didn’t think much of it until she passed the front door on her way up to her room when she spotted a familiar face on the other side of the door.

Eloise Bridgerton.

What in the devil was she doing here?! Paige mentally screamed to herself. Gunning and Phillip’s conversation had faded to the background, drowned out by the mental grind of Paige’s mind. She snapped out of her melancholy and had to come up with a way to cover up the consequences of her actions. Just when she needed it, Miles walked past her. She immediately grabbed him. He looked surprised and a little violated if you asked him.

“Miss Crane! What on earth?” “Miles, how many times must I repeat myself? Paige is perfectly fine. I apologise for grabbing you, I am in need of your service.” She said guiltily, looking over at the front door.

He gave her a curious look, “What did you do now, Paige?” He rubbed his eyes tiredly.

She shot him a glare, “I would snap at you for that but you are quite right to ask. I think one of my letters to Miss Bridgerton might have been misinterpreted as an invitation to come over to Romney Hall.” She gave him such a pitiful pleading look, he had to help her.

“How can I be of service, Miss - Paige?” He corrected himself the moment Paige shot him a murderous look. “I need a plan. If the truth comes out, neither of them will forgive me.”

Miles had never seen her so panicked and scared before. For someone who detests her brother, she really did love him. Her blooming feelings for Miss Bridgerton had become apparent over the last few months. He gave himself a moment to think of a plan.

"Yes, sir. She's here to see you, after all." They both heard Gunning say to Phillip.

Paige looked at Miles with wide eyes. They had officially run out of time. This was sealed by the sounds of Phillip’s footsteps making their way to the corridor Paige and Miles were hatching a plan in. Before Paige could push Miles to distract him, her dear brother had brushed past them and opened the door. She cursed to herself and watched helplessly as the two strangers who had technically never met interacted. She made her way to stand quietly behind her brother, listening to every word. Paige's heart nearly stopped when she heard Eloise's voice after all these years.

"Sir Phillip?"

[shyrose57]

Part 2 with da angst

2: Young Ranbob did not understand at all what was going on, infact he refused to believe he ever had anything to do with the sabotages, it was only when Dream took over completely and gave Ranbob enough of his mind to know what he was doing, did he finally accept it. He tried and tried to break Dreams control and get control of his body back, but nothing he did ever really worked, and the more he tried Dream eventually began to punish him, forcing him to stop. He felt aboustely awful, like a failure, a murder, and just a shitty person during all of this. His journal shows basically all of his mental decline, it went from normal, him recording special things during the day, to semi-normal, him expression concern and fear over the sabotages and killings (with some out of place words or sentences here and there appearing half way through, showing Dreams presence), to recordings from someone with obvious mental distress (misspelled words, extreme fear, showing fear of himself, hasty writings and drawings, very obviously out of place sentences (their neater than the rest and written differently, written by Dream), and meaningless words and sentences, obviously trying to say something but not knowing how too), all they way to flipping entries of when Ranbob is in control (sadness, despair, hasitly done, regret, and just heavy sentences) to when Dream is in control (Neat writing, stating "facts", showing a level of glee). Ranbob does still have it, he actually still uses it to record what happens in the groups and how far he's come. To the Gladiators its more of a "Hey I found this thing, lets read this thing." "No let's not read the thing." "Im going to ignore you and read it anyway.". The pictures are from the current ruined state of the City of Mizu, and pictures showing Ranbob at the fishermens house, struggling to walk and even eat on his own, though a few are from before Dream ever got a hold of Ranbob. 

3: The way you just said "Causally drops some trauma on them, huh?" And "Traumatized gremlins" made me laugh so much. Its so accurate and made me just think of the brothers vibing toghere before I just pop in and drop tons of trauma on them before dipping. "Ah, damn, the opponent stared me in my chest." "WHY ARE YOU SO CALM ABOUT THIS!? YOUR BLEEDING OUT!" "Oh im used to this. Trust me I'll survive...probably." "RAN I SWEAR!". And "Ranbob when did you last eat?" "Uhhh, 2 days ago I think." "..." "D-did I eat too soon? I dont have to eat for another day or two max-" "Ranbob shut up and eat." "B-but-" "If you dont eat I'll tell Benjamin." "OK ok I'll eat."  Ran thinks its normal to get stabbed often, while Ranbob thinks its normal to only eat every 2 or 3 days, and to not sleep for a long time. There is one particular hunter that's been hunting him the longest, they go by Raq and are the most determined to get Ran, though they don't plan on killing him, but rather kidnapping him and exploting him for pearls. It was a bit hard at first, Ran kept having to leave to wander around the City for a bit, though he eventually successfully got accustomed to staying in one place, though he does sometimes wish he could travel again. 

4: A bit of everything, him getting violent and trying to run at first. But after that it fades more into what resembles a depressive state, with him refusing to move and crying while being lost in his head. He requires space to move around but be monitored in the first state, while for the second he needs constant comfort and physical contact. The aftermath was the fishermen and Jackie staying close to Ranbob for the next 2 days, while Grievous and Watson try to find Ran after he stormed off in anger and disbelief. Ran does know what a relapse means, but during the time he believes Ranbobs relapse might be something else (like his facade faulting maybe).

5: Not long at all, while Ran is carrying Jackie and Cletus makes fun of them as Ranbob is following him, Jackie quickly points out how Ranbob is like a lost puppy, and the same thing is basically happening to the two of them, but showed different ways. (The brothers making sure their family is safe by sticking close to them).

6: By the time they travel to Subbin, Ranbob has gained like 80 pounds and is a way more healthy weight and looks much more healthier than when the fishermen first found him. 

7: Their usually either getting materials, looking around the area/exploring, being taught things by someone, or sleeping. Charles was the one who revived the nickname! He called him that when trying different tactics to calm him down from a nightmare, Ranbob immediately froze and after a while started to cry, Charles panicked but Ranbob quickly comforted him, saying he just hasn't heard Bobby used in such a long time and brings back both incredibly happy and incredibly sad memories. And with permission, Charles starts using it more. Ran also freezes when hearing it, immediately going ridged and almost ripping a map he has in his hands, when asked by Grievous what was wrong, he just growled out nothing and moved on. Though he does mull over it later, conflicting emotions running all over him. 

8: Helping separate Ran and Ranbob was already big for the gladiators. As most people would just watch with glee. Then when they get time to talk and make the connection between Ran and Ranbob, they decide to make a exception and willingly put in effort to bond with the other group. Also them just naturally connecting made the bonding and trust easy between the groups. 

9: They do both! They keep some books, pictures, and other stuff, but sell others as relics. Ranbob mostly disapproves of them selling the items, but also knows it'll probably be best to sell them, and have them either spread the story of Mizu as a warning, or have the story of Mizu destroyed by assumptions and twisting of the story. 

10: I'm thinking maybe a Wilbur decendent is inhabiting a certain town, and when the groups stop in for a break, Wilbur decendant  houses them and listens to their story, and tries to help?

11: They mostly just find them, they either find them in book stores or ruined towns and cities (maybe I can put The Masquerade tale in here somewhere), a wide range of people, from scholars to plain history nerds, to books from during the time of the SMP itself to books written by seemingly no one. Ranbob finds some himself, mostly when exploring with the group. I think I misworded this! Dream is the one who compared Ranbobs journal to Ranboos memory book! Ranbob knows of Ranboos memory book but he himself doesn't see the connection. Ran feels all of the above. He is extremely ashamed and disappointed in himself for hurting his brother, he hugs him tightly and apologizes non-stop, promising to make it all up to him, and while he asks for forgiveness he also says he doesnt expect for his brother to forgive him. Once he finally sees Dream for real though he's the first one to blindly attack and try to kill em. Though he doesnt succeed. 

12: No one expect the brothers where outside in the rain when they fought. So no one knew of what was happening. Its only when Ran finally joined them, but alone, did they get scared and alarmed. And when Ran admits they got into a fight and Ranbob ran off, the fishermen immediately start yelling at Ran and run off to find Ranbob, screaming his name into the deafening thunder. Grievous follows them but Watson and Jackie hang back a bit, Jackie just looks at Ran with a heartbroken expression, tears in his eyes, and asks, with his voice shaking and laced with sadness, "Why can't you at least try to accept him, you dont have to like or forgive him, but why can't you just let him heal?" "Jackie..you dont know what's he done-" "I do know! And I'm willing to help him change and recover! You can't and your his brother! What kind of family member are you?" Ran tries to respond but Jackie just chokes and shakes his head at him, running off to follow the others. Watson then speaks up, simply saying "Mate, your doing more than hurting Ranbob at this point." Before running off to follow and join the others. Ran feels horrible, even before being confronted he so badly wanted to chase after Ranbob, but was to scared too and he constantly was trying to reassure himself that he did the right thing, but no matter what, he couldn't convince himself that was the truth. And after the confrontation, Ran is taking what was said to heart and also considering running away, leaving the group behind and sparing them of all the pain he believes he causes, believing that he's just as bad a family member as Ranbob was. But he doesnt, because he feels like he absolutely needs to talk to his brother and everyone else. 

2: Oh god. Poor Ranbob. He really went through it. It does make me wonder, did anyone notice something was up? His mentor? Parents? Friends? Speaking off, what was his relationship with them all? From what I know, he seemed to be under a lot of pressure, so how did that effect things, and how did Dream’s presence change that? And uh, gladiators reactions to reading the diary? Also, did they get caught reading it, or? And how did everyone in general react to the pictures? The fishermen may have taken the latter, but how did they feel about seeing Ranbob before Dream came into the picture?

3: I tell it like it is, glad to hear it’s made you laugh though. And uh, oh boy. On one hand, I definitely shouldn’t laugh at stabbing and possible starvation. One the other. Ran’s reaction. Ranbob being threatened with Benjamin. Is he often threatened with Benjamin? What exactly happens if Benjamin is told? Will Raq be causing future problems? Is Ran happy to be on the road again?

4: That sucks. Did the gladiators witness it first hand, or did the fishermen kind of realize what was happening and split off for a bit? Reactions to either seeing or hearing this happen?

5: Ranbob’s reaction to this? Heck, all of the fishermen’s reactions?

6: As he should. If he ever starts looking even slightly thin again, Benjamin needs to jump into immediate action! Also, give him a blanket and warm drink, please? Please, he needs it, they all do. 

7: So not too bad, that’s good. Charles was the one, huh? Interesting. Does Ranbob like having it back? And conflicting emotions, hmm? What would those emotions be? Does anyone ever notice the nickname makes him mad? 

8: So the gladiators consider that their big approval? Why’s that? Like obviously, they helped break it up, but was it something particular? Did they get between the two? Jump into the arena? What?

9: A warning of Mizu...there’s something awfully tragic about that. 

10: Sounds interesting! In what way would they be able to help? 

11: Scattered about, hm? So Ranbob knows about Ranboo’s memory book? Did Dream tell him, or did Mizu have a copy, or? And yay, Ranbob finally gets a hug! Most wonderful! Sad Ran doesn’t succeed in murder, but meh. Always next time, I suppose.

12: You...you were really going for my heart when you wrote this, weren’t you? Um, first of all, ouch. Second of all, also ouch. That’s all I’ve got for you right now. Just, ouch, Anon. Ouch.

[evendeadlmthehero]

The Skywalker Mechanic (Headcanon)

Poe Dameron x Mechanic!Reader

“Could you possibly do a Poe Dameron x mechanic!reader. Were the reader is Leia's daughter but no one really knows that because the reader is quite and only works at night because she just wants to be alone. And her work is amazing that no one really know who does it, so Poe ask Leia who is behind it but she tells him not to bug the reader. But he doesn't really listen so he sets up a stakeout to figure out who it is and he meets the reader. He tries to befriend/slowly falls in love with her, but she has trouble trusting people because of what happened between her and Ben. I really don't know were I'm going with this but basically Poe and the reader end up together.” - @depressed-comics

A/N: so it didn’t save half way through because tumblr is always a b****. BUT thankfully I screenshotted it before it disappeared so the last part is just images.

Ultimate Masterlist

-Ever since Poe joined the resistance, he was always fascinated by the quality of his aircraft after a mission

-he came back from a mission with a damaged engine and a busted wing yet 19 hours later, the aircraft came back better then it was when it was brand new

-sometimes he’d find the most ideal additions that help him during his missions

-that could range from devices that help him go undetected by the First Order to something as mundane as a cushion to help relieve the stress from his neck

-one day in particular he was fighting three first order members.

-he had hit two, leaving one left.

-turns out he was better than Poe expected, resulting in the ship hurderling down due to a failed engine

-Poe thought he was going to die. But he didn’t. His seat had created a safeguard of hard metal around him before ejecting him out of the plane

-what even amazed him more is that a signal was sent out to the resistance that helped them locate him in a matter of hours

-Poe was amazed by the work of this mechanic he had yet to meet

-in fact, everyone was amazed, yet no one knew who you were

-“Please Commander, I just want to show my gratitude, he has saved my life countless of times with his inventions,” Poe begged Leia who rolled her eyes at him. “It’s the least I could do.”

-“This is final Poe. I don’t want you to interfere with the Mechanic. The Mechanic works better alone and would prefer not to be interrupted,” Leia commanded in a strict tone

-but Poe detected some protectiveness in the Commander’s tone. Did she know this being personally?

-Poe nodded before walking away. Leia sighed, thinking this was final

-but it wasn’t. Poe was determined to meet this mechanic

-so he created a plan.

-he went out with his X-Wing for ‘errands’, before landing and throwing out his engine in a random planet

-he knows. He should have done that. But he was desperate to meet the ‘man’ behind the great inventions.

-“Stupid Jawas took my engine while I was running errands, any chance you can fix it?” Poe asked one of the guys who he normally gave the aircrafts to so he can send it off the the mechanics.

-the male nodded as he waved to the others to take it to be fixed.

-Poe watched, biting his lower lip. “You know, I’ve never asked. Where do you guys take the aircrafts.”

-“Well we just place it in the garage at Sector 6 overnight and it comes back brand new,” The guy explained, throwing the chain over the X-Wing and locking it into the carrier. “Mechanic apparently likes working at night. And alone.”

-“Do you know who he is?”

-“No sir.”

-At 6pm, when the sun begins to set, he sneaks into the garage at Sector six, hiding in the ledge near the ceiling.

-when it hits 11pm, his eyes begin to flutter, tiredness taking its toll

-it isn’t until 1am he hears the sound of footsteps

-look down, his face morphs into shock because the mechanic is a girl

-and not just any girl. The most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes on in the entire galaxy

-you stop in your tracks and Poe gets scared. Did you see him?

-Of course you can’t because he’s out of view, it was impossible for you to see him

-but you could. Not in the way Poe thought. You felt a presence within the room, one that you haven’t met.

-“Why are you here?” He heard your tired voice speak. Poe was taken back. He thought you were talking to someone else. “I know you’re up there on the ledger.”

-Poe’s heart started beating. How the hell were you able to see him, he kept thinking

-he slowly made his way down, now embarrassed for having been caught

-you folded your arms, an eyebrow raised. “So? What are you doing here?”

-“I-I wanted to thank you,” Poe stuttered, your beauty making him nervous. “For saving my life numerous times.”

-“You’re welcome,” you spoke quietly, not being a very social person. You just wanted to be left alone.

-You didn’t say anything else. Poe tried to think of something, trying to keep the conversation going

-you were the girl of his dreams. He knew that the moment he saw you, he wanted to marry you

-I mean, where else is he going to find a mechanic who’s this gorgeous?

-“I’m Poe Dameron,” he introduced himself, raising his hand up. You looked at his hand and Poe detected some slight fear in your eyes so he placed it back down.

-“I’m Y/N,” You spoke, not mentioning your last name. Poe rubbed his hands together, looking around the garage.

-“C-can I get you something to eat?” Poe asked. “Since you’re always fixing my aircraft.”

-“No- no it’s fine-“

-“I insist.”

-and ever since then, Poe had been coming into the garage to give you food and sometimes help you out.

-you’d both talk about aircrafts, about flying and everything else related to those topics.

-Poe would stay up all night just to talk to you.

-and bring you two different meals so that you could have first choice and he’d eat whatever was left.

-this happened for almost three months

-Poe felt himself falling for you every passing moment

-and you felt it too

-but you were scared

-this fear stemmed from the fact that your brother, your own blood, had betrayed you

-trust was something that was difficult for you. And although that was a reality, you still felt you could trust him. And that terrified you

-you never spoke about family, even when Poe talked about his parents, his past.

-And he was okay with that

-until one day you let it slip

-“I’m telling you, Han’s Millenium Falcon isn’t even that fast!” Poe laughed as you both argued about what planes are better. “The X-Wings are new, improved even!”

-“My dad will kill you if he ever heard you say that,” you laughed, before you went quiet

-‘fuck, fuck, fuck,’ you kept repeating in your head. Poe’s eyes widened as he realised what you had said.

-“You’re a Solo?” Poe asked slowly.

-You quickly got up, packing your stuff.

-You felt so embarrassed, so ashamed.

-Tears formed in your eyes, remembering the pain you went through, the betrayal you went through

-Remembering how your own brother hurt you

-you shouldn’t have trusted anyone. You shouldn’t have let anyone come so close to you.

-“Wait, where are you going?” Poe asked

-you didn’t speak to him as you quickly ran out the door before Poe could chase after you.

-a week passes and Poe still hasn’t seen you

-he stayed up every night and waited till 7am in the morning at the garage just to get a chance to speak to you

-but you never arrive

-“Please Commander, I need to speak to Y/N,” Poe pleaded Leia, his voice desperate. “Just tell me where she is.”

-“Poe I told you to stay away from her, she’s been through enough and-“

-“-I love her,” Poe cut her off. He nodded himself, taking in the words he had just spoken. “I love her.”

-Leia sighed, closing her eyes as she sensed the urgency in Poe’s words. And plus, you needed someone like Poe in your life.

-“She’s at Bay 5,” Leia spoke, rubbing her eyes.

-“Bay 5?” Poe asked in confusion, hurt laced in his tone. “She- she’s going to leave?”

-“In five minutes if you don’t hurry up.”

-and with that, Poe ran towards bay 5 like his life depended on it.

-he felt like this was it. It was now or never. There will never be anyone quite like you in his life and he knows that.

-“Y/N!” Poe yelled as he finally made it to Bay 5.

-his heart was beating rapidly as he saw a plane about to take off

-“Y/N wait-“ Poe yelled but was cut off by the sound of your plane flying away

-he breathed in heavily as he watched your plane fly away further and further before he couldn’t see it

-he was glad no one else was in bay 5 to notice the pain in his face

-you were gone. You were really gone. And Poe might never see you again

[kuronanox]

Recovering - Fuegoleon Vermillion

"She's very sick right now." Owen tells Fuegoleon as the crimson lion captain sat down next to (Your Name) holding her hand. "With some rest and not much activities she will heal slowly."

"I see, thank you." Fuegoleon tells Owen as he left the two to talk.

"I'm sorry, I've been so weak." (Your Name) quietly says giving a painful smile.

"Stop being sorry, it doesn't matter if you are weak or strong. I will protect you." He tells her wiping the sweat from her forehead. She shakes her head and grab both his hands into her small ones.

"You should remarry."

Fuegoleon eyes widen, it was unexpected of her to say such a thing to him. "What are you going on about?"

There was silence in the room as (Your Name) started to cough harshly, the red blood falling onto the sheets. Fuegoleon was already up from his seat and holding her body. He rubbed her back and offered a cold glass of water.

"Let me go get Owen."

She grabbed his arm and shook her head. "It's fine, I just need to rest."

He sighed, he knew she was so stubborn.

"Why do you have to be so stubborn, even on your death bed?"

"This isn't my death bed, I'm just sick." (Your Name) argued. Fuegoleon rolled his eyes and fixed her bed sheets. "I have to go. Captain duties."

She nodded her head as he softly kissed her forehead . "Goodbye, I'll come home soon." She promised him, Fuegoleon looked back and gave her a small smile.

The following weeks passed and she was recovering slowly. There was definitely process, she no longer was coughing blood and was able to walk around without fainting. Fuegoleon didn't visit much because of work duties but Leopold would come.

"How's everything?" She asked the younger boy.

Leopold was so full of life, him and Fuegoleon were definitely opposites when it came to personalities. "AMAZING! Aniue has been training me personally!"

(Your Name) smiles, he was amazing with children.

"Sometime I feel helpless, sometimes I feel like I've failed Fuegoleon." She tells Leopold as the younger child tilted his head.

"What do you mean? Aniue loves you!" His face a little redden out of irritation. Leopold knew, there was a age gap between the two but that doesn't mean he didn't know anything.

He remember when (Your Name) and Fuegoleon were younger, about their early twenties. She use to pester him all the time, it was a one sided love at first.

When Leopold was about 7 he would see (Your Name) around the house following Fuegoleon. She was like a parasite stuck onto him. Often times he would find his brother pushing her away or calling her a nuisance because he was all about training and becoming the next captain.

"How did Aniue fall in love with you?" Leopold asked, curious on their relationship.

(Your Name) smiled and looked out the window.

"I guess time? I don't actually know. After I stopped pestering him Fuegoleon started bothering me. I guess you can say a switch flipped off."

Leopold giggled he couldn't see his older brother bothering a girl because he was always so serious. "I think brother hit the jackpot, (Your Name) older sister is pretty." He cheers her up by jumping in the air as if he won a race.

"Oh! I have to go now! Training with aniue! He's going to be upset if I'm late!" Leopold shouts giving her a kiss on the cheek before running off. (Your Name) eyes widen as she slightly smirked. "You really are growing up now."

Fuegoleon watched his squad members as they practiced their magic but his mind wasn't paying attention. His thoughts were about (Your Name) he missed her next to him everyday.

Every morning he woke up it was alone and every night he went to bed it was alone. The bed sheets weren't nearly as warm as he wanted it to be.

Fuegoleon sighed as he clocked back into reality when his men asked what they needed to do next. "Everyone good job today, get some rest."

Leopold ran to his brother and walked beside him. "Are you going to see (Your Name) tonight?"

"Tomorrow morning I have some papers to do." He flatly states as Leopold pouts, Fuegoleon was acting a little down.

"Aniue? Why is (Your Name) older sister always sick?"

Fuegoleon stops walking and sighs, this was a topic he never liked talking about. Not even to Mereoleona. He felt like he failed (Your Name) that day and onward.

"She had a miscarriage 3 years ago, we didn't tell anyone she was pregnant because she wasn't showing yet. Because of that her captain sent her onto a dangerous mission. I told her multiple times to give it to someone else but she refused."

Fuegoleon paused to catch his breath as Leopold tried to soak in the information without asking to many question.

"(Your Name) and her team called for back up and I rushed to the area, by the time I arrived half the team was dead and she was unconscious with a wound on her stomach."

Fuegoleon quickly turns his back onto Leopold, he didn't want to show his younger brother that he regretted not stopping her that day.

"Ever since that day, she stopped taking care of her health and because of her wounds were so deep she will never fully recover. I failed her that day and everyday since."

Without saying anything else Fuegoleon bid his farewell and walked to his chamber. This was a big step for him. No one ever asked him what happened to (Your Name) after. They just assumed she was just sick a lot.

(Your Name) was harshly awaken by loud screaming coming out from the building. The Clover kingdom was set ablaze, before she could run and aide Owen stopped her, but she argued with him that it's also her duty to help the kingdom.

"Trust the magic knights." He told her and she angrily laid back in bed. "I wonder what is happening."

Laying back down she looked out the window, the fire wasn't comforting like Fuegoleon, it was menacing looking.

(Your Name) started to see the flames die down after a few hours. "Looks like they settled everything."

Footsteps outside her door were rushing around, she couldn't tell what was going on but the medics were probably helping the wounded.

It wasn't until Leopold slammed her door open and he was sweating, his face full of panic. "Aniue!" He yells out of breath as she rushed out of bed and followed him.

She ran towards the bed she found Fuegoleon on, he was unconscious and his arm was gone. "How-?" She stops and covered her mouth as the tears chocked out.

Julius was there as he patted her head and took a seat beside Fuegoleon. "He did his best." He continued by handing her Fuegoleon grimoire. She gasped.

His grimoire was half gone. "He could have died and I was laying in bed the whole time."

Julius let her onto good news. "He's fine now, the only downside is when he will wake up."

(Your Name) and Leopold sat close together for comfort. "I'm calling Mereoleona to take over for now."

The following weeks were hard for her, Leopold and the squad members. There was a lot of adjustments that were made.

(Your Name) was finally back home and the good thing was that she could watch over Fuegoleon.

"I feel like our roles have reversed." She sadly smiled as a knock made her look up.

Mereoleona walked in the room with a look of disappointment in her face. "Looks like we have some guys that need to be put in their place, Fuegoleon is first."

(Your Name) just chuckles as Mereoleona cross her arms. "Whoever did this to him definitely was strong, we are a facing an huge enemy right now." (Your Name) hummed in response and grip Fuegoleon hand tightly.

Mereoleona stared at the two and recalled when they both started dating, she had never seen her little brother head over heels for nobody. "You should take care of yourself more... holding onto the past won't help the future." Mereoleona told her little sister in law.

(Your Name) smile lightly as she caresses the back of her beloved hand. "I know, I never blamed him for being late that day. It was just fate telling us we weren't ready."

"Then don't blame yourself for not being able to help him today. He wouldn't be to happy to see you in distress especially since you are sick."

(Your Name) looks down ashamed of her actions the past few years, of course she knew she was unhealthy. After losing the baby and getting a heavy wound that would never fully recover she fell into depression and started to punish herself. She blamed herself for letting her child and teammate down that day.

"I-" She paused and swallowed before speaking again "I told him to remarry."

Mereoleona roughly hits her head and yell. "BAKA! Don't take his love for you lightly!"

"YA!" (Your Name) screams and threw a hit back. "I know, I just don't want him to be stressed out anymore."

"Like I said, don't take his love for granted."

Leopold then walked into the room, he was smiling. "YEAH! Aniue love for you is bigger than this world and so is ours to yours, I know you are sick but we all know you use to be a strong magic knight before!"

(Your Name) grew flushed and chuckled, she lost a baby but right know she was surrounded with her family.  

She didn't know how long she waited for him but (Your Name) decided it was time to recover and get healthy again. She trained endlessly day and night, toning her body and magic again. She felt a sense of relief being able to be out of bed and fight again.

(Your Name) heard news that Leopold was trying to protect the people in the squad as their vice captain had been taken over by a elf. "Please let me make it to him on time. I can't lose anybody else."

Leopold was on the floor, he needed to get up, he was going to be the captain one day but his body wouldn't move. "Leopold!" She yells reaching out to him as a orange flame engulfed them from behind.

"You did well (Your Name), Leo." Fuegoleon deep voice flows out as she sees him walk out. A feeling of burden had been lifted off her chest. Of course he was there to save them when they needed him the most.

"What took so long stupid?" she lightly punches his side as he lovingly gives her a sincere smile.

"Don't worry, I made it on time." Fuegoleon reassured her as she sees a salamander next to him. "I see you picked up a new friend along the way."

He chuckled "It's a long story but we will have time later once the kingdom is back in safe hands." Fuegoleon pauses and gives a good look at her. The color was back on her face, and she gained a few pounds.

"It's good to have you back my love."

"I can say the same for you mister, looks like both of us bedridden doesn't sit well."

Leopold pushes himself in the middle. "HELLO! AN ELF IS ABOUT TO KILL US! SAVE THE HAPPY REUNION FOR LATER!"

"Ya Leo, let us adult handle the situation." She smirked as Fuegoleon and her both throw a powerful blow. "Yes, Leo don't take us for granted. We've handled worse enemies together."

Leopold just throws a baby tantrum and smiles after, he was really glad they were both back.

"(Your Name) let's go." Fuegoleon says taking her hand as she gladly accepts.

"For now, we both are broken somehow in some form but we will continue to grow together."

[avionvadion]

More of my old pokemon drawings! Since... I’m apparently back in that obsession now. Frick. Oh well. These were for chapters 10 and 12 respectively. The Underground Hideout and The Taste of Freedom. 

Basil: Bulbasaur. Belladonna: Weepinbell. Ansem: Eevee. 

There is a lot of dark topics surrounding this story, such as kidnapping, trauma, and abuse, so... if that makes you uncomfortable please don’t keep reading. 

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22998952/chapters/54987940

Grunt, the girl, is  thirteen. Various factors such as stress, depression, and malnourishment had caused her growth to be greatly stunted so she looks like a small child. One of her hands is crooked from an injury she received growing up in Team Rocket, the majority of her arm numb as a result of poor healing. She met Steven YEARS ago, which is the very start of the story, when he was ten and she was four. They made a promise over a broken dawn stone to meet again after she was taken in by social services, but then Team Rocket happened. Because of her lack of a name they called her “Grunt” to mock her future as a Team Rocket grunt. 

As a result of learning from the news that his very new friend got taken, Steven makes it a goal to track them down. Several years pass with no luck and everyone convinces him to give up, so he focuses on his career instead. But then... the headquarters blows up, because a certain legendary pokemon was told the truth and escaped. And he picks up where he left off, aiming to avenge the friend everyone is convinced is long dead or a member of Team Rocket, with Wallace and Winona’s help. (This is where the conspiracy theorist Steven drawing desire comes in, since he has all these old newspapers and stuff for all the Team Rocket sightings and missing children/pokemon) 

Meanwhile, Grunt- having recently escaped due to the explosion- ends up journeying, very reluctantly might I add, with Brock and eventually Blue, to strengthen her pokemon by taking on the gym leaders, heading back to Hoenn, and freeing all the children/pokemon being held captive by Team Rocket, and hopefully reunite with that friend she can no longer truly remember- the dawn stone being the only thing she had that reminds her that he had once existed. 

The man antagonists in this story are Richard (Rich) and Velga, Giovanni, and all of Team Rocket. (Jesse and James will make their appearance in ORAS) 

Chapter 10 Bit: I had been more than prepared to defend myself against anything the adult could have done. The battle went by easier than expected, especially compared to Rich and Velga, and his tactics reminded me more of those random goons found lurking about in Mt. Moon when Brock and I had been searching for the fossils. What neither of us had been expecting, however, was what happened after I defeated him.

"Wh… What!?"

"I told you before," I growled, starting to feel the familiar sensation of frustration as my words continued to fail in being understood by this person, "I'm not joining you."

"But… with your skills you could totally become a top leader!" He protested. "Your pōkemon and leadership are incredible!" When he saw I was not being swayed he faltered, taking several steps back. His teeth ground together and his eyes lit up with rage, frustration on his face. "You and that boy… damn it all! Do you realize what you're turning down!? You selfish, spoiled little kids will never understand what it's like to be part of something great! Not like this! So I guess… I'll just have to show you."

"Explain!" Brock frowned deeply when the adult started to cackle, the teen stepping forward and readying to summon a pokemon at a moment's notice. "What are you trying to do? Why does Team Rocket want to use kids so badly?"

"Hm?" He tilted his head, blinking. "Oh, you haven't figured it out? You really are just a child."

I closed my eyes, expression growing empty and solemn. It was such an obvious answer, one I had learned a long time ago. Considering how he's acted so far, I knew my travelling companion would not like the answer. Ignorance, in cases like these, was complete and total bliss. But when living under such terrible conditions like I had for so long ignorance was a curse and knowledge was power. With his view of the world, I knew the truth would only enrage him further should he find out.

"Brock, don't…"

The boy looked back at me, confused when he heard my voice trail off and go quiet. "But you want to know, right? You deserve to know! Grunt, you-"

"Grunt?" The adult echoed. Realization dawned on his face and he whirled around, staring at me with big eyes. "You can't be… no, no, no- hold on. Yes, of course! How did I not realize!? You were there that day, weren't you? The day the headquarters blew up…"

The hate on his face intensified and Brock tensed, chills going down his spine as he took a fearful step back, holding a shaky arm up in front of me, the boy bravely pushing me behind him. His actions no longer surprised me, though the logic behind them did. "It wasn't her fault!" He protested, defending me. The way he said it made it almost sound like that sentence would solve everything; that it would make all the hurt go away. Brock, despite his fear, spoke with confidence.

Unfortunately, he knew nothing. I still haven't explained everything to him.

Him believing that I didn't know why children were being used was proof of that. I knew all too well why kids like me were targeted; I just… found it hard to speak about it. I think I just didn't want to upset him anymore than he already was over my situation, which was weird. He shouldn't be so upset about it; it wasn't like my life was something particularly special that should be deserving of attention, and yet… here we are.

He said I was the one who cared too much, but it was so obviously the other way around. This only showed more with Brock's kind words.

Unfortunately, the person across from us did not care to listen. He was bristling with rage, only hearing and focusing on what he wanted to. "It was… It was you! You little brat- my friend died in that fire!"

I flinched at those words, the guilt washing over me like a tidal wave. It was suffocating, the weight of the lives taken crushing me inside. My head ducked down as he continued to scream, Brock's back being the only thing blocking him from my view. The boy kept me behind him as best as he could as we started to become surrounded- all the trainers from before crowding around us and removing their disguises, revealing the large red R that was plastered over all of their chests.

"That's not on you," I heard Brock say firmly, speaking to me and momentarily snapping me out of my darker thoughts, his attention never leaving the evil trainers around us, "you didn't mean for it to happen."

But... I still caused it. I freed the legendary pōkemon that exploded the building.

Their deaths were on my hands. I murdered them.

And these people… those that were little kids had actually been wearing well-made masks, revealing very small adults. They were all Team Rocket. In my panic to rescue Blue I made a very grave mistake; I stopped observing. If I had paid the slightest bit of attention to their attire or appearance anymore than I had then this could have been avoided. I knew their tactics inside-out and yet I let this happen.

I… I screwed up. Frick.

Why do I keep making the simplest of mistakes? Was it because this was the outside world?

It was so much larger and vast than I had ever expected it to be, and despite my reluctance to trust strangers I still found myself letting down my guard, fooled by the kindness that had been shown to me by so many. This was going to cost us dearly.

The people started to grow closer and I tensed, watching as Ansem and Basil growled at the Team Rocket members. There were so many of them; I could handle one or two of them easily, but six? The leader yelled at me, cursing my existence, and without realizing I found myself grabbing onto the hem of Brock's jacket, scared as the consequences of my foolishness caught up with me, clinging onto the newer light shining before me in desperation for comfort.

I… caused this.

I failed. Just like back in the caves, I… couldn't protect anyone.

We were totally trapped.

Brock glanced over his shoulder at me before turning around, wrapping his arms around me. I was shaking, barely breathing as horror and guilt took over, the older teen keeping me pressed close to his chest protectively. He called out to my pōkemon, catching their attention as I started to shut down and surrender to my darker emotions. "Ansem, Belladonna, Basil! Get us out of here!"

"Oh, no you don't! Aerodactyl, go!" The violet-haired man raised a hand outwards, eyes flashing dangerously. A large gust of wind appeared, nearly blowing us all off our feet. Suddenly a big pōkemon appeared from a pōkeball, flying high into the air, beating its wings. An ear-piercing screech erupted from its throat, making it difficult to hear the goon speak. "If it weren't for the boss wanting you alive, I'd kill you myself! So instead, I'll have you all suffer! "

The ground began to shake, and Brock stumbled sideways- being forced to let go as I staggered backwards. Basil panicked and leapt into his arms, scared of being seperated, and Ansem started to bark again and dashed towards me, Belladonna right behind him.

Just where was this earthquake coming from? It wasn't from his Aerodactyl; it was coming from…

...underground?

Oh frick, oh frick, oh Arceus, oh gods-

I'm so sorry-!

We're going to be killed!

I screwed up!

This is all my fault!

Why did I escape so soon!?

The ground itself began to open up, shifting as two metal slabs drifted apart, and as I sat there frozen in terror Brock was shouting, calling out me as he stumbled over, trying to get to me and the rest of my pōkemon. Basil wailed loudly, tears in his eyes, and in my shock it took me a second too long to notice Brock's outstretched hand. I struggled to move, constantly knocked back down by the violent shaking of the earth, and in my desperation I reached out for him.

This was all too familiar.

In the recesses of my mind, buried deep into my memory from a time long ago, I remembered. It wasn't the first time I bore witness to such a thing, but I was certainly never on it when it happened. It was just like how the Hoenn base opened up when I was first stolen away and… when I left to Kanto on that cursed helicopter Rich and Velga made me ride.

And, deeper still, I had the feeling that I once reached out like this for someone. Who, I wasn't sure, but the sensation of a memory was there- trying to claw its way to the surface and tearing at my brain, forcing my skull to throb even more than it already was.

The Team Rocket goon raised his voice, shouting at us with a crazed grin, rage in his eyes. "Your pōkemon, your supplies; they'll all be ours!" He declared. "And you, Grunt, traitor to our kind, will suffer alongside your foolish companion!"

That was when the ground beneath me gave way, crumbling to pieces, and as I fell through the trap door I saw a quick flash of green-and-brown as Brock leapt after, following me down into the underground like a fool.

"Together forever! Trapped in the underground maze we've created!"

Rather than air, I thought of water- cold, freezing water that was filled with debris, and skies that seemed to boil with heat. Falling deeper and deeper, sinking below the surface.

Stuck… in the terrifying abyss of darkness.

As we tumbled deep into the black I muttered not so much as a word, not even able to scream, only watching with wide eyes as the light above us vanished. For a moment, as the trap doors closed and we continued to fall, all hope was lost. I found myself wondering if this was truly the end.

"A-Are you okay? What's wrong?"

It was still there- buried in the recesses of my mind. As much as I felt I should start ignoring it, I couldn't help but find that the traces of connection still held strong. My heart just couldn't let go. Everything always went back to that one person, after all, and I spent so long surviving on the pure hope of seeing him again. Even now he was haunting me, the memory of that promise keeping me rooted to this earth.

Earth…

So many years I spent living on this planet; obeying orders, acting as the puppet I was groomed to be, and plotting schemes that were only doomed to fail. Everything I ever dreamed of or desired to obtain was just too far out of reach, and they were all centered around that boy I had met so long ago. As time past my goals did shift, focusing more on the rescue of the other children, but the fact remained- I wanted to see him again.

To thank him for saving me so many times.

But… it was all an illusion. Even this freedom I have now is false.

I'm still trapped by Team Rocket.

And now… I've never felt more useless. Falling endlessly through nothingness, mind and heart slowly giving up as everything went downhill once more. It wasn't as if I truly desired to go on this journey in the first place; all I wanted was to find the police, inform them of the hideout, and then go on my way to find that mysterious boy whom I made a promise to. Yet… those plans failed too.

Everything I come up with just… fails.

Perhaps this was the world's cruel sense of justice- to get back at me for causing such a tragedy. Team Rocket was full of cruel and terrible people; they were evil beyond belief. But that didn't mean the deserved to die. Those evil enough to kidnap children and torture them, stealing them away from their families, and even go so far as to experiment on innocent pōkemon…

They needed to be imprisoned. That fate, that kind of suffering, was far worse and more befitting.

But… I was starting to believe that there was no such thing as justice. Only karma, the world making twists and turns to toy with the lives of those that lived on its back.

"Don't forget about me, you hear!?"

I'm sorry. I did. I remember your words, though the voice that once accompanied them is long gone. It was thanks to you that I became so good at surviving, yet I'm afraid that that itself was a grave mistake. My existence only ever seemed to cause others to hurt. Whether it be by putting them in danger or inadvertently hurting them with words…

I'm starting to think you should have let me rot on that street.

"Veeevaa!"

That cry snapped me back into my senses.

The world around me seemed to recollect sound and my eyes slowly opened, vision taking a while to adjust to the dark. In the distance, somewhere nearby, I could hear Ansem barking. Brock was screaming- calling out to me and trying to locate where I was. The guilt hit full force as I thought about the family that was waiting for him. They had told me to protect him, to keep him safe, and here he is falling to his death because of me.

There's… no way I can just let him die, can I?

Not like this.

Basil, Belladonna… they were all so innocent. Like the kind strangers I've met, they've only done things to help me. The pōkemon chose me as their trainer.

Did that… Did that condemn them to this fate? Because they outstretched their hands to me?

I don't… want that. I don't want them to suffer because of me.

Too much blood has already been spilled.

I can't help people; I'm only ever good at endangering them. My only real accomplishment was staying alive- so, that means… I just have to figure out a way to extend that to those I surrounded myself with. The determination to reach my goal, the willingness to do whatever it took to reach the finish line. The reluctance of falling back into the arms of those who would hurt me, to accept those who would gather me.

Obligation, obedience. Fear, guilt. Cowardice, courage.

Hate… and love.

My eyes squeezed tightly shut, burning with tears as so many emotions welled up inside me, mixing together and creation a concoction that was far from healthy. As they bubbled up, some strange sensation rising in the back of my throat, I opened my mouth and out came a cry- a scream full of rage and frustration, aggravating my still-not-quite-healed vocal chords. A howl echoed out afterwards, coming from the ever loyal Ansem, the pōkemon reacting quite intensely to my overflowing emotions. My arms shot out and I reached blindly in the direction I heard them, body coiling around a large and soft body, fur tickling my face.

It was so dark I couldn't see anything and it hurt so much to keep my eyes open, but I have to get us through this! I have to survive, so they can survive! It's the only thing my foolish self is good at!

I had no idea how much longer we had before we splat against the ground, as we had been falling for quite a while, and as a result of this knowledge adrenaline started to pump through my veins, causing my heart to race as I hiccuped and choked, mind reeling with ideas and solutions to the problem we found ourselves in. That goon said we were heading into an underground maze, which meant it could very well be a Team Rocket hideout they've created. Our pōkemon, our supplies- he said they would be theirs.

This trap was most likely designed to capture those who refused their offer to join the organization, made with the intention of stealing their money and pōkemon.

That meant that there had to be some sort of safety mechanism at the bottom- or maybe they expected us to call the pōkemon back into their pōkeballs to save them, leaving us humans to splatter into goop at the bottom. Regardless the reason, the design, or their plans, we couldn't risk just falling forever until we became sludge on the ground. We had to take precautions. And, as someone who grown up learning how to plot and scheme by the very criminals that were entrapping us, they were greatly underestimating me.

No… they were underestimating us.

I'm not alone anymore. Brock, the pōkemon… we're all here working together. Journeying together. We're friends.

And Brock just so happened to be a retired gym leader, who owned a pōkemon that was so large that he could easily stop our fall if he so wished.

If memory served correctly, and I'm praying it did because I'm panicking so badly right now that it was rather hard to think straight, Onix was a pōkemon who liked to burrow in underground places. He could even evolve naturally into some kind of steel-type pōkemon once deep enough, becoming embedded with either crystals or diamonds, or maybe both.

It might hurt a bit, but… we could use him to our advantage here. Feeling Ansem nuzzle his face into the curve of my bandaged neck, I called out as loudly as I could, ignoring the sensation of what felt like glass piercing the inside of my throat. "Brooooock!"

"Grunt!?" The boy was alarmed. It sounded like he was coming somewhere from my… left… yet higher up. He jumped in after me, so it makes sense that I'm farther down than him. "Grunt, where are you!?"

"O-Over here!"

Ansem started to bark, sensing my pain as I started to cough. Frick- I seriously needed a drink now. It felt like needles were stabbing my neck from the inside. It was almost as if the pōkemon was trying to alert the others to our presence, so that I wouldn't have to.

Still, if we couldn't reach each other… the plan might not work. "Can you hear me!? G-Grab my hand!"

"Where!?"

I reached out above me, following the sound of his voice, trying to grasp some part of him.

Something brushed my fingers and, before I even had a chance to latch on, his hand grabbed onto my wrist and suddenly I was being pulling forward. I barely had time to let out a yelp before his arms were around my back, holding me and Ansem to him, the boy cradling the back of my head as if to shield my skull from anymore injury. I wasn't quite sure when it happened, how it happened, but sometime during the past few days his touches were starting to become less anxiety inducing and more comforting.

"I've got you!"

I didn't flinch away as much in the hospital when he was braiding my hair back then, either, so I could only assume it was because of something during my wretched stay there. Something that was actually making me reach out for touch. Keeping one hand on his shoulder and the other wrapped around Ansem so not to drop him, I was about to suggest my idea when Brock yelled again.

"W-We need to do something quick!"

"I-I know, just- where's Onix!?"

"Onix? Oh, of course!" Keeping an arm around my waist, Ansem wailing as his claws dug deep into my shoulder, Basil clinging to Brock's backpack while Belladonna cried from somewhere nearby, Brock reached out to his belt. Snatching a pōkeball and enlargening it, he held it up into the air and yelled, "Onix, come out! I choose you!"

Chapter 12 Bit: 

I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, bringing the dawn stone up and resting my knuckles against my lips. My voice was muffled, but I didn't care. Everything just hurt so much, yet somehow not enough all the same. The cold, the numbness- it was all there. Amplified. Suffocating. Choking. I could barely think.

"H-he gave… he gave me the stone… t-to remind me. To remind him in case he… he forgot about me."

"...I see." Brock gave my shoulder a light squeeze, seeing how hard I was trying not to break down. "I'm glad he found you, then."

Yeah. But…

"I-I don't remember." Brock's eyebrows shot up, alarmed when he heard the sudden crack in my voice. I looked up at him, bottom lip quivering as a fresh wave of tears welled up. "I-I don't remember him, Brock. H-His face, his name, I- I can't… I can't r-recall…"

I can't recall anything.

Before he could say something to that and before I could say anything else, the woman suddenly spoke up- near flinching back when Ansem snarled at her. "W-We're here! T-Take this staircase and go through the teleporter, and you'll find the control room. See? I-I'll… I'll show you!"

Inhaling sharply, trying to distance myself from my emotions long enough to get through whatever the next encounter was, I pulled away from Brock and picked up the pace, moving my short legs as fast as they would go. I waited until the woman was through the teleporter to go myself, Ansem still being carried and stone back in my pocket, and Belladonna and Basil followed suit. Then it was Brock, then Machamp and Blue, and gradually the rest of the pōkemon…

But we weren't the only group here in the room. Without a word Machamp lowered Blue to the ground, leaving me to struggle in holding him up alone until Brock came over and grabbed the teen by the shoulders. Then the large muscular pōkemon stepped forward, standing in front of us three with Ansem and Umbreon on either side of him. Basil and Belladonna released the woman we were holding captive and she stumbled forward, rushing to the group of Team Rocket goons and… their pōkemon.

They were expecting us.

I mean, I can only imagine how much word got around about us kids when Brock was tending to Blue back in the lab- the people Belladonna knocked out must have woken up and alerted the higher-ups. These people, the adults, were more than ready to fight.

Or, rather, more than ready to have innocent pōkemon do the fighting for them.

The woman we had released whirled around with a gasp, striking the pose every goon had been forced to memorize. It took everything I had not to cringe at the sight of it, instead focusing on making sure I didn't topple over from Blue's body weight. "To infect the world with devastation, to blight all people in every nation! To denounce the goodness of truth and love, to extend our wrath to the stars above! We are Team Rocket circling the earth day and night, and you are just a bunch of brats in our way! C'mon, everyone- group attack!"

Oh no. Okay. Here we go.

A Tauros lowed and stomped a hoof against the floor, a Meowth residing atop its back. Two Zubats flew around them, flapping their wings as they stared at us nervously. Brock scowled, clicking his tongue and using one hand to reach to his belt. "Of course there are several here… Geodude, go! Help out the others!"

"M-Machamp…!" Blue began, voice hoarse from coughing. "Get them!"

"Ansem-!" I was unable to finish. Machamp was suddenly storming forward, locked onto its targets, swinging with all four fists at the Tauros when it charged. I cringed and ducked my head down upon hearing the bull-pōkemon's cries of pain, knowing full well it was fighting against its will. I hated this violence so much. "Belladonna, Basil…"

"Bulba!"

"Weeeepin!"

Vines erupted from their bodies and swung towards their foes, catching the Zubats before they could unleash a devasting flying-attack upon them. Meowth leapt up from the defeated Tauros' back, landing atop Machamp's head and using it to boost itself up again, and slashed at the vines. Basil cried out and loosened his hold, allowing a Zubat to escape, and the pōkemon hurriedly let loose several blades of wind.

Aerial Ace.

Belladonna was sent flying, several cuts lining her body as she crashed into the wall, vines retreated back into her body. Basil let out a concerned shout, but barely had time to recover himself when the second Zubat slammed itself right into him, head ramming into his side. No…

"Stand up!" My voice was panicked. Blue looked down at me in surprise as Brock ordered his Geodude to defend Belladonna as Meowth approached her. He never heard me sound so desperate and scared before. "Stand up now!"

Don't do this.

Don't you dare die.

"Basil!"

We haven't lost a single battle, so there was no way it could happen now. I won't let it.

Bulbasaur struggled to push himself up onto his feet, red eyes watering from the pain. Cuts now lined his legs from Zubat using Aerial Ace on him after the headbutt, but his expression was a determined one.

Ansem, seeing the way his companions were harmed, let out an angered roar, deciding to leave Meowth and Belladonna's Zubat alone for now, Geodude taking care of it with Machamp's help, and targeted Basil's Zubat instead. Stretching out his claws, Ansem jumped into the air as high as his legs would let him, and he caught his front paws on the pōkemon's wings, knocking it greatly off balance.

"Vaaaa!"

As they fell to the ground Ansem rolled over, biting down hard into its wings and tearing them. He was furious. The woman from before- the one we had guide us here- was glaring daggers at us, shaking with her fists held to her side in a rage. The other Team Rocket goons were both startled and very much angry, unable to believe they were now losing the battle. Worse of all, it was to a bunch of kids and their pōkemon.

Feeling Blue's weight increase I shifted in place, standing on my toes in an attempt to straighten my back and keep Blue from leaning over too much. Unfortunately, that was quite difficult as I was the smallest human in existence and these two were hecking towers in comparison. I could feel the heat coming off of Blue's face due to his fever- his heart pounding desperately in his chest in an attempt to keep him breathing. It was very unnerving.

"W-Weezings!" I glanced behind me as best as I could, trying to get a look at the other pōkemon, but auburn hair was in the way. "C-Can you help? Please?"

"Weeez?" They looked at me, surprised. "Weezing?"

The many Weezings looked at each other. If memory served right, these pōkemon had a variety of very useful moves- assuming they've already learned them, of course, and Belladonna was a bit too hurt to use her Sleeping Powder special on them.

"Weez…"

"Weez, Weezing!"

"Weez!"

"O-On the Team Rocket members!" I continued, voice cracking a little. Brock stopped issuing orders and looking back at me, alarmed. Then a bright grin spread across his face.

"Grunt, you're a genius!"

That was the wrong thing to say. The higher-up Team Rocket members shared a glance, their faces paling and somehow becoming disbelieving and enraged all at once. "Wait, what?"

"Grunt?"

One of them pointed at me, narrowing his eyes. "You're the escapee from headquarters? You? I knew you were a child, but… how old are you!? Eight?" The gaped, dumbfounded, and I tensed upon hearing their words. I was starting to believe that maybe going by my old title was a bad idea, and that maybe I should just go around titleless and nameless. "The fuck? Holy Arceus- if we bring you back to the boss…"

"We'll be promoted again!" A female Team Rocket member gasped, pressing her hands to her face. The woman from before looked exasperated by their behavior, her main goal being revenge for how we treated her. "And their pōkemon… they might be ours!"

"Who cares about that?" Another exclaimed. "Think of the pay raise!"

"Wow," Blue choked out, trying to joke, "you're famous, huh?"

My expression went blank at that, disliking the attention I was receiving. A flash of purple in the corner of my eyes snapped me back into attention, and I raised my head with wide eyes to see the many Weezings floating forward, Machamp carrying Belladonna and Basil back to us while Ansem removed his fangs from a fainted Zubat.

The Weezings continued forward, not stopping until they were past our pōkemon and residing over the fainted ones, facing the Team Rocket goons with a strange look in their eyes. The poison-type pōkemon looked angry, hurt, scared… and very fierce. "W-Weezings?"

Suddenly, and without warning, they all surged forward- flying over the crowd to the goons and headbutting them as hard as they possibly could. On impact the Weezings let out huge clouds of grey and purple smoke, causing the Team Rocket goons to start coughing as the smoke filled up the area. The many Zubats behind us, the ones we freed, decided they wanted to help out as well- swinging their wings forward and causing air blades to shoot towards them, slicing at the goons and tearing up their uniforms.

I tried not to flinch away this time upon hearing their screams, but it was too much. I just… couldn't not close my eyes. Machamp setting Basil and Belladonna by my feet, he dashed back into the action with Geodude, Ansem following behind. Together they all attacked the goons, knocking them out hard as they collapsed onto the ground. I think I heard a nasty crack from one of them, probably from the one Machamp punched in the ribs, but…

No. You know what? I'm not…

I'm not going to think about it. I cringed and shook my head, eyebrows knitting together as pain temporary flickered onto my expression. I tightened my hold on Blue's arm and waist, shifting once more as I nearly lost balance from standing on my toes for so long. "Um, frick. Okay. Uh- Brock, I-"

"I'm on it."

"Huh?" I blinked, eyes opening and turning to see him walking over there where the adults and pōkemon were, the Weezings' smoke clearing. He still had to hold part of his hood over his mouth so he wouldn't start coughing, since there was quite a bit left, but it was otherwise okay for him to head into it. "What are-"

Oh.

He knelt down, patting the adults down in an attempt to find what I could only assume to be a keycard or remote, or anything that would help us get out of here. He tossed whatever pōkeballs he found onto the ground, leaving Machamp to stomp on the empty ones- while freeing the others that remained inside. Brock also rummaged through their bags, pulling out several super potions and berries, and used those on the fainted and injured pōkemon.

Blue and I slowly waddled our way over there, and upon seeing the pōkemon's confused stares and the way the boys were looking at me… I had to greet the previously abused pōkemon. It was very awkward and uncomfortable, and it was only thanks to the other rescued pōkemon jumping into the conversation that the newly freed ones calmed down. It was mess.

Meowth looked especially lost.

"Meow…?"

A Weezing floated down and spoke to it. Understanding dawned on its face and relieved tears welled up in the pōkemon's eyes.

"Mrrooooooow!"

Haaaah, I need to get out of here. Brock shoved the remainder of the supplies into his own backpack, deciding that Team Rocket didn't need these supplies if they were just going to use them for villainy, and he slid the straps over his shoulders. Standing, he let out a heavy sigh and looked up, smiling softly at Geodude as he floated over. "Hey, buddy. You did great out there!" He raised a hand, petting the pōkemon lightly on the head.

"Geooo!" Geodude beamed, proud of himself. Shortly after, Brock recalled the pōkemon back into its ball. The boy turned, staring at the large array of computers behind him.

"I… think this might be the control panel you were talking about, Grunt."

Yeah. Yeah, he calls me by my title way too often.

He was a stupidly nice person, but every time he called me by that title it always sent whatever Team Rocket goon we were battling into a fury. And while, strategically, it could be a good thing as that meant the opponent would stop thinking clearly and act on impulse… it mostly depended on the person we were dealing with. And while deciding not to go by it anymore would prevent that from happening, chances are Team Rocket will now recognize me no matter what since so many have seen what I look like.

So… what should I do?

I bit down on my lip, thinking deeply as I glanced around at the many screens and buttons. They were all so familiar to me, yet strange all the same. How come? It wasn't from the Hoenn base, though I have seen many adults work with the computers there. I watched as Brock began to fiddle with the buttons, Basil marching up and nuzzling his leg, Belladonna and Ansem sitting at my feet. I've come to the conclusion that Basil really liked Brock, which just goes further to show what a kind person he is.

I'm surprised he didn't choose him as trainer instead.

[thejosh1980]

Don't you know that you're toxic?

I was in a toxic relationship...

In fact I have been in a few... But the last one is the one I can still remember in some detail...

The first few, well they were immature drunk and disorderly scenarios. They are not important in this story, other than you should be aware I was pretty repetitive towards my approach to relationships back then.

The story I would like tell is about the 7 year old relationship that ended in March 2019.

This particular relationship had the biggest effect on me, my well being, and my happiness. And even though I married an amazing woman earlier this year, that last relationship is still a reminder of the baggage I have held onto since my first relationship.

It's time I unloaded that baggage and shed my skin.... Even if it's just a little bit... You know, small steps...

So, lets call my ex “Grumpy”...

In fact that's a name an American girlfriend of a drummer of a band we were watching called her once in Germany, literally minutes after meeting her. I should have seen that red flag even back then...

Look, Grumpy isn't a bad person, deep down I think she means well... But she just hasn't been able to get past her past... She wont let go of any stubborn insecurities, learn new coping mechanisms, and she wont forgive herself, or you for that matter... At least that's what I've experienced with her.

It's like whenever things don't go her way, whenever she's frustrated or doesn't know how to cope, she'd revert back to a 14 year old girl, which is when she had troubles with her Mum.

I mean honestly, who didn't have troubled teenage years??

I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to feel pain about some significant event or trauma, but she surely can't hold it over my head and expect me to hang around, forever...

During our relationship, I explained to her, that when I went into therapy (which at the beginning she thankfully helped me do) I had no idea what to expect. But I knew I couldn't continue the way I was and expect a happy outcome.

It took a long time, but I processed many of the issues and events of my past, which in turn helped my current situation and had a positive effect on my future. I learned new ways on how to cope with current problems, insecurities and learn to take responsibility for my actions and choices in life...

I forgave my Dad for not being a good father. I understand, he just didn't know better and chose not to learn how later in life... It's no excuse but I find some comfort in knowing I wasn't the problem. These days, I can be comfortable in his presence, no longer hoping for the Dad I've always needed, but enjoy his company for what it is...

I forgave my sister for her misgivings. She's a tough cookie, and very jealous of me. I think she's very jealous of my relationship with Mum, but my sister hasn't taken responsibility for her actions, and therefore it will be a long road before I can trust her, but I'm totally OK with that. She has her problems, and they are not mine to take responsibility for, anymore.

My grandparents on both sides were hard work over the years. I thought it was my fault too! But really it was their lack of empathy and understanding that created an atmosphere of negativity. They had every opportunity to be a good example to an impressionable young me. Luckily I learned to forgive them, even if I didn't actually say that to them while they were still alive. I forgave them and myself for contributing to the escalation, rather than finding resolution.

Grumpy knew I did this (and more) in therapy, and refused to consider it.

Now in all fairness, I originally refused to entertain the idea of counseling too, as I had a negative experience in my younger days (just like Grumpy), but when I reached my first breakdown around 2014 in a foreign country, I knew I needed help and I asked...

You know, I know she's still hurting over her past...

How can I tell?

Because it's been 18 months since I broke up with her, and she continues to create drama, instead of “adulting” and talking to me about it.

She's had every opportunity to deal with these post break up problems we all have had to go through like an adult (you know, splitting up the household belongings etc), without fail each time she has deflected, ignored, created more drama, lied or done something else that shows me, she has not recognized her part in our story.

Let's face it, it takes 2 to tango...

I've come to realize she treated me the way she did during our relationship, because she took me for granted. She thought I'd never have the courage or strength to actually leave her. I sure proved her wrong, didn't I!!!

We started our relationship drunk, and continued like that for 2 or so years. Grumpy and I could drink a lot, and did... We both were a bit rounder then too! We were never fully honest with each other or ourselves. I would say, we probably should have just been a short term fling, because we both weren't ready for long term, but we dived in anyhow...

That journey got me here, and that's totally fine. I have no regrets...

In case you didn't know, I wasn't a very strong person back then. I had little self esteem, and little self worth. So it was easy for both of us to “beat on” each other verbally and not resolve any issues. That's easy to do when someone just can't listen without demeaning you, without taking your feelings and smashing them against the wall... I was always ALWAYS in trouble. She was too sometimes back then... We both were in trouble...

As time went on with my therapy I processed a lot of things, and became ready for long term... I also knew I wanted to move back home, down under, eventually. That would be a hard decision, with or without Grumpy. I just couldn't imagine piling on more stress on top of stress with that relationship. I came to realize there was no future there unless something changed. We had to listen to each other, we had to trust each other, we had to respect each other.

I know I am not perfect, but surely if I can forgive her for things, she could step my way a little... Couldn't she? Didn't she have the power to learn to forgive? I mean really forgive someone and love them for all their faults? Didn't she have the power to grow? Unfortunately she didn't... I knew she didn't process anything because she was bringing up stuff from 2 or 3 or 6 years ago...

When I sobered up and seriously got into therapy, I had no idea what road it would take me down... But after talking about all my family issues, social anxiety issues and depression, the last thing was Grumpy. It took almost 5 years to get to the point where I acknowledged I was unhappy, I realized I didn't trust her and I couldn't see a future with her...

I just couldn't talk to her anymore. We just didn't trust each other anymore... That's the point...

The day we broke up, I had written her a letter, and I read her this letter. I read out a letter I had spent weeks writing making sure my adult words were being used (because without the letter I knew I'd revert to something less mature and less communicative). I clearly stated after trying many times, trying for years to correct our problems, I had come to realize we couldn't go forward. I decided we would break up to save each other from unnecessary pain. I couldn't see any steps going in the right direction in our relationship anymore...

I loved her, but it just wasn't working out, and didn't show any signs of improving.

Her first words were “I knew it” with tears rolling down her face...

I didn't want to do it, but I made a choice... Based on the past, for the present, to better my future.

Honestly I don't know if she wanted to recognize any of those times I tried to talk to her. She didn't want to see the signs. When she got frustrated and yelled at me, and I sat quietly listened and did my best not to raise my voice back. When I tried to talk sense to her she'd react like I was talking crazy.

Maybe she was scared? After all, change is a scary thing.

I changed a lot in those years since I started therapy and stopped drinking, always hoping Grumpy would come my way a little... For several years I was a huge contributing factor to our fights, but as time went on and I learned and grew, I started to de-escalate those fights. (Which generally made things worse!).

Apparently she didn't get the memo...

And she continues to blame me for that mistrust, because that's the way it goes when you don't take responsibility for your actions... It's always someone else's fault... The world owes me...

Even though she's been in a committed relationship since the beginning of 2020, she still hasn't let go of any anger, hurt, or resentment towards me. Her actions clearly show she hasn't processed our relationship, start, middle, or end, and would prefer to block me or stop all communication with me, before dealing with herself. She'd prefer to tell everyone else how bad I was, what I owed her, what I did to her, than think about her actions and how they affected our relationship.

It's like history repeating itself... And I am finding freedom in the fact I am no longer a character in her story.

I'm quite sure she'll keep the narrative within her circle of friends to make her look good, and me bad. But I like my narrative more (who wouldn't?), I feel we both were a mess... We were having a negative affect on each other. How or why, isn't as important as learning that communication, trust, forgiveness and respect are the things that were missing...

In fact, I think she dislikes anyone who has shown personal growth... It scares her... I think she's comfortable in her denial... She blames her Mum or her grandma... She blames me... Not once had I ever heard in all her years of coming home from work, “Oh it was me...”, “I did something wrong...” or “I messed up, I better say sorry...”

So how could I stay with someone who didn't take any responsibility?? How can I love someone who doesn't say “sorry”?

I was heart broken during the time leading up to reading Grumpy that letter...

I went back and forth in my head, could I see a future??? But in the end I couldn't... The one thing I realize, that is so important in my relationships, is good ol' communication. We lost that, when we lost the trust... It all turned toxic... Manipulative.... Twisted...

I wish her all the happiness the world throws at her.

We all deserve happiness... But Grumpy, sometimes you gotta work at it...

I could spend my time blaming her for so much of it but in the end, it was down to me. I am the one master of my fate... Just as she is... Then and now...

Thanks for reading,

Josh

[san-station]

No more sad songs • Bang Chan

Pairing: Bang Chan x Reader

(Fluff & Angst)

WARNING: Broken heart.

↝Word count: 1,9k 

The things you've done for your best friend were uncountable, you would go to hell and beyond to bring him back to you, just like Dante did for Beatrice on his journey through the nine circles of Hell. Having the Lee Minho as your Thing #1 was what people would say: a blessing. But sometimes blessings weren't as great as they sound. Your relationship was a mess, he was known as the mighty fuckboy of SKZ fraternity and you were "Lee Minho's fan", "the girl who chases the unreachable", "the groupie" and more names you've heard around campus. 

People didn't know that you've been friends since you could spell your name correctly, you went to the same school, you lived in the same neighborhood and Minho was the first one to approach the little shy girl who rather play alone with her dolls and paint some flowers than play with the other kids. Minho found you cute and weird (in a good way), you were the only girl that didn't want to give him a kiss or ask to be his friend, so he thought you were unique.

Over the years, you built a beautiful friendship based on him being the cocky fuckboy who dragged the bashful girl to parties; you being the responsible friend who dragged  him to his house before he passed out and gave him painkillers in the morning to get him to his dance major classes. Him, distracting you from your music major homework to watch his new choreography, and more.

Your friendship was like any other friendship... the problem was that you were deeply in love with Minho from the very beginning. You loved everything about him and it hurt, you were in love with the one person who will never see you as more than just a friend because he loved to party, to live the moment and forget about the past, to blindly look forward and annihilate everything in his path, it didn't  matter if his best friend was in the field, he'll destroy her without noticing and, even so, you loved him.

You've been through a lot due to that reckless behavior and he was oblivious, he didn't realize those sad songs you wrote were about him and the things he did impulsively. That time when he kissed the girl with the white dress on Lee Jeno's party leaving you all alone in a place where you didn't  know anyone and ended up calling your friend Changbin to give you a ride back home; the time when you were eating at a restaurant with your other friends to celebrate your birthday and he didn't show up because he was having some fun at the dance studio with his choreo partner and didn't even apologize; that time when he got pretty drunk and kissed you in a SKZ party and then said "I'm sorry, Y/N, I thought you were another girl! Ewwww, I kissed my best friend this is so weird" and started laughing his ass off. 

He never notice the tears in your eyes when he did all of that, he never stopped to ask how you were or if you wanted to go when you felt so unhappy on those parties. And you still did everything for him because he had your heart, yet, he was so stupid to understand it. All your friends knew it. Well, they all could read your lyrics and play your beats and be aware of your feelings towards Minho.

Now you were at the music studio with your fellow partners and friends: 3Racha, also known as Bang Chan, Seo Changbin and Han Jisung. Your appointment for today was creating two different beats with the same lyrics to see how flexible it could be, but all you were thinking were gloomy melodies and heartbroken songs.

The australian boy gave his friends a concerned look and text them on their group chat. 

∼3RACHA Bros∼

Chan: I think it's Minho again... 

Jisung: Yeah, saw him yesterday, he REALLY had some fun lololol

Changbin: Hyung, do something... this isn't working.

Chan: Why me???

Changbin: you're good with words :D

Chan: We all literally are good with words, Bin.

Jisung: c'mon Hyung, she'll listen to you, you have like a thing lol

Chan: ????

Changbin: Make her happy or we won't buy you food :D

Chan: I hate both of you...  

Jisung got up from his sit in front of you and you looked up at him immediately. Changbin stood up as well and smiled at Chan. 

"We're gonna buy pizza for the rest of the evening", Changbin said fixing the black beanie on his head. Jisung grabbed Chan's wallet over the table and he groaned.

"For real?", Chan questioned rolling his eyes and sitting back on his chair. The laptop in front of him stopped playing the track he was working on and stared at Jisung. 

"We'll be back soon", Changbin said again and, before getting out of the room, he turned to you and groaned. 

"And pleaseeee, I'm begging you, Y/N, no more sad songs", he pouted. 

Jisung pushed him outside the room and yelled: "yeah! I'm the sentimental boy of the group, please, be happy for once, girl!" 

You tensed and lower you gaze to your lyrics book tracing the words with your fingers. Chan sighed at the view of your dispirited body and sat next to you, closer.

"Let's talk about... the beautiful day!", Chan panicked a little and smiled at you brightly. You didn't see him, you couldn't find in yourself any strength to put a smile on your face or even willing to, it didn't worth it.

"I'm not in the mood, Channie", your voice sounded like a sweet whisper. If Chan wouldn't have gotten that closer, he wouldn't have listened.

"Would you like to talk about it?", he asked pouting. He really wanted to make you smile, it warmed his heart watching your amusement. Right now he felt sick watching you so depressed, he could feel as if all his energy would've left his body and needed proper sleep to regain the power or the enthusiasm he required for you to feel something more than sadness. He heard you sighed.

"Yesterday, in Mark's party... Minho was making out with like four different people at the same time while I was sitting on the couch waiting for him to go back home." You closed your eyes, images of last night travelled through your mind making you whimper. "It hurts so much..." 

Chan kept silence, his breath was heavy, his eyes were on your face as you finally saw his expression and you got worried.  

"Don't look at me like that, I'm gonna be fine soon!", you reassured him.

"It's just that... I've told you the truth about him so many times and you're still not over him, Y/N", Chan caressed a strand of your hair avoiding your hurt gaze. 

"It's not that easy, you know? We've known each other since first grade... I've loved him since...", Chan frowned and hummed for a second. 

"How could you tell it was real love when you basically were thinking about dolls and candies?”, he spoke calmly, pronouncing every word slowly for you to process the question. You frowned and opened your mouth, yet, Chan interrupted.

“Tell me something... Has he ever told you that he loves you? Has he ever thanked you for everything you've done for him?”, once again, he caressed your hair and stared deeply into your soul, his brown eyes made you swallow hard trying to remember a moment when all those things happened. 

“Has he ever compliment you about your work? About your incredible music?”, he continued as the voices in your head screamed the real answer. 

“Sometimes… I think...”, you finally mumbled and sighed in defeat. Chan was right, Minho had only said good things about her when she did him a favour, when he asked for things and she was there to help him; when he was tired of listening to her complains, he would say something nice to make her stop.

Your lips trembled as you tried to speak, but nothing came out, so Chan grabbed your hands and squeezed them. 

“Y/N, you love someone who's too selfish to realize you've been crushing on him for years, I think it's time for you to understand that you have to move on or you're going to keep hurting yourself even more than you are right now”, his voice, in a way, made you feel safe, it made you feel that the decision you’d make was the right one, that there are others who could make you a better version of yourself, make you believe you were loved. Chan’s voice was really one of those who you wanted to hear before going to sleep and when you wake up. Chan always took care of your feelings trying to make you smile even when you had to write a sad song, even when you cried the whole night because Minho forgot your birthday, even when you were so fragile you could broke by negative thoughts. Chan was there and that was the most important thing in your life right now. You sniffed and avoided his gaze, it started to burn your cheeks unexpectedly.

“The past sometimes brings us joy, you have your good memories with him, he’s your best friend, for God sakes!”, he scoffed in disbelieve and that made you chuckled, his eyes became crescent moons when he smiled at that gesture.

“The love meter you have right here”, his right finger pointed the left side of your chest. “...you need to low that status a little. From 'I'm in love with Minho' to 'I love my best friend as much as he loves me, as a friend' and keep looking forward because you're a strong woman, okay?”, your seriously thought your body was on fire, your hands holding his made your stomach growl and you giggled due to his words. 

“You are beautiful, Y/N, you are an amazing person and you have the kindest heart... Give it to someone who will appreciate everything you're willing to give and embrace real love…”, Chan died a little inside when he saw the effect of his words on you, you were shining, cheeks with a pink shade of embarrassment and giggling like a teenager girl. His heart was racing out of control but on the outside he seemed relaxed.

“Thank you, Channie… I really appreciate it”, you said trying to stop your smile from growing bigger.  

“I promise that, once you forget about that crush, you’ll find someone who would be there for you in the good and bad moments”, he pinched your blushed cheeks. He stood up and you thought he was going to sit on his chair a few meters away from you, but he actually grabbed his laptop and sat on your side. 

“So, what about we start making a happy beat for your lyrics?”, you nodded and opened again you lyrics book. 

Both of you began to work on the melodies and changed a lot of the lyrics as they were too depressing. An hour and a half later, Changbin and Jisung came back with the pizza they promised and watched the joyful atmosphere around you. At the end of the day, you made two flexible tracks for your appointment and ignored the messages Minho had sent you inviting you to another party. You laughed when Jisung was making fun of Changbin, you laughed as Changbin was complaining about Jisung, you laughed when Chan laughed, you were happy there having your own party and you couldn’t think of any sad songs anymore. 

Masterlist