#I don't think I'll ever be satisfied
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popowerst · 1 year ago
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What am I celebrating on Father's Day?
Thanks for covering some of my living expenses while I lived with you.
Thanks for making sure I always had something to eat and clean water to drink.
Thanks for providing a room for me in your home.
Thanks for the the anxiety and depression.
Thanks for what is probably ADHD. Thanks for telling me you suspected you had it too, but only when it got so bad I started talking to my doctor about it. I was 25 years old.
Thanks for the child abuse. Thanks for hitting me, locking me out of the house, and throwing my books at me. Thanks for throwing open my door and screaming at me at random times of the day any time to scare me.
Thanks for being emotionally unavailable. Whenever Mom and I would get into an argument, she would always threaten me "just wait until you dad gets home." Not because you would mediate between the two of us, find common ground, and help us reach a compromise. No. You would come into my room, tell me to stop arguing with my mother, she's right and I'm the kid so I need to listen to her, you would ground me for weeks for having an argument in the first place.
By the way, thanks for pushing me so hard academically. I did really well in school, so it'll be funny if I find out I really did have ADHD all this time. You used to ground me if I left the honor roll list, or brought home so much as a C average in any class until around my Junior year of high school or so. I love when y'all were still treating me like I didn't understand anything when I started taking college-level courses in 10th grade. Somehow I was able to keep a part-time job- because I had to in order to pay my bills- and take 6 AP classes my senior year and still managed to stay on honor roll. Were you proud of me? You certainly didn't show it if you were. At least you came to graduation? You are the participation award of fathers.
You never even wanted to participate in my hobbies. My very few extracurriculars. I could probably count on one hand the number of plays you came to see. You didn't care- you weren't interested. It had nothing to do with supporting me, it would be boring to you so you wouldn't go.
Thanks for making me stay as quiet as possible while at home. Couldn't even practice my recorder in elementary school because it was "too loud." Yet you would watch movies in the living room with the bass booming.
Thank you for making me start working during the summer when I was in high school. I really appreciate the leg up it gave me work-ethic wise over my peers, and who wouldn't want a part-time job at a pizza place? What I didn't like was how you both then started pushing bills on to me when I should've been saving for college- which you never helped with. Picking up something like my phone bill was fine and a good way to teach responsible money habits.
But then you started charging me rent. A third of the total house expenses as a matter of fact. $500 a month, for: one 10 x 10 bedroom, right next to yours, that I was constantly berated for being too loud in, with a shared bathroom. The living room was for you guys. The other two bedrooms and the converted garage connected to the laundry room with the half bath were all used for storage, because you and Mom are both hoarders. You also put me in charge of my own food purchases, to be kept in a mini fridge in my bedroom. There was no room in the fridge or freezer- you keep it loaded with junk. I also had limited kitchen access, not that I knew how to cook anyway. Thank God I had been staying at my girlfriend's place and her mom took pity on me- she allowed me to store frozen foods in their freezer, where they somehow made enough space for me to keep a few things, despite having twice as many people in the house. They also helped me afford a car. And a lot of other important things. I married her daughter. It ended up being one of the best decisions I've ever made.
I am not a materialistic person, so I don't hold this as much against you as much I am just generally appreciative of them, but you weren't financially prepared to raise a child, were you? There were no savings. No help. I was supposed to go out into the world and start from scratch at the age of 17. Full time job and full time student balanced right out of high school. That's cool and all. But that doesn't strike me as something a loving, caring, thoughtful father would do. No, you opened up a joint account with your crusty bank because I almost traveled across the country to go to college, and when I was out of town and the rent was due, you sent me a text saying you knew I could pay it because you checked my account and I had enough. You transferred the money without asking when I was hundreds of miles from home, and all I can say is I'm grateful my best friend's parents were generous and kind to me, because I'm not sure how I would've gotten food that week without them.
I think about you a lot. I want to forgive you. I'm sure you feel these emotions too. You don't understand how to express them. Your generation looked down upon people who need therapy. I know you have unresolved trauma that nobody else knows about but mom and my grandmother. I know your dad left you at a young age. He's shitty and I know life was harder for you as a result. Honestly sometimes seeing how he turned out makes me wonder whether that was for better or worse. The boyfriend that came after him was pretty bad too. From what I've heard, he was just straight up abusive and I can only imagine the effect that had on you. Either way you deserved to have a father figure. Is it selfish for me to say that?
Thanks for keeping my sister a secret from me for years. I still don't know her name. Maybe I'll meet her someday. Mom was the one that ended up telling me about her- I think she still resents that you gave another woman a child years before her, doubly so because of the following miscarriages. Good on you for paying child support. However, this is where I really get upset.
Did you really not have enough self awareness to realize the damage that you can cause by putting a woman and a child in that kind of position? I would think that you, out of all people, would understand the kinds of difficulties that a father walking out of a family would cause. You idiot. Are you absolutely clueless? How could you live your whole life, feel all the ways that you do, meet a woman, get her pregnant, and think that the right role model to follow in this instance was your father? Did you learn nothing?
But coming at you from this angle won't help at all. This would just make you upset. You shut down, stop listening. You want the patience that you never gave.
I think that you once thought I hated you or that I wanted you dead. That's not true. I love you. Deep down I want to have a relationship with you. I mourn the lack of connection and that's why it's so sour when I see you for a couple of hours every few months. Seeing you is like seeing a grumpy old friend. You don't text, you don't call. You do not know how to make someone feel loved. You never learned that skill.
It's agonizing to have to sit and pretend that everything is okay. It's very damaging to my mental health. But how do I even begin to talk about any of this with you? Again you have no communication skills. I have just begun to develop my own, and I had to do it independently of you. Unfortunately Mom didn't help much either. She's another story entirely.
I feel guilty that I even have these feelings about you. Some people don't even know their dads. A lot of people have it way worse than me. I'm just complaining. But I deserve to complain every once in a while.
I don't know where to go from here. Every time I see you, I have to look you in the eye and act like everything is okay. I keep hoping one of these days I'll get a call from you. A text message. Maybe you'll find my email address somewhere. I want you to open up this conversation. I don't know how to bring it up. Maybe I'll figure it out in therapy. Haven't told y'all that I mostly talk about you when I go.
I remember when I told you I started going. The only thing you said was "therapy's really expensive." And you're right, it is. But this cycle of generational trauma stops with me. You always told me I knew better, that I was too smart to be lazy and I wasn't applying myself. Well here you go. I used my resources to figure out why all the men in my family are awful people, develop the skills necessary to balance those weaknesses, and lay plans for the future that include financial stability, effective communication, mutual respect, and loving my family so much that nobody can deny it.
If you get your act together, I might let you meet your grandkids. Happy Father's Day.
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It is my fanfic and I get to go ham, it is my fanfic and I get to go ham, it is MY fanfic and I get to go HAM, it is MY FANFIC and I get to go HAM, IT IS MY FANFIC AND I GET TO GO HAM, IT IS MY FANFIC AND I GET TO GO HAM, IT IS MY FANFIC AND I GET TO GO HAM-
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beastsovrevelation · 8 months ago
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Lady Crowley, inspired by Aphrodite of Knidos.
She might as well have been the one who posed for Praxiteles.
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arttsuka · 2 months ago
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do you like goosebumps?
If you're talking about the books, I've never read them so idk
If you're talking about the movies, I've only ever watched the first one (I think, maybe it was the second? Or both) but I vaguely remember to enjoy it
If you're talking about goosebumps as a 'feeling', a sensation, then yes. It makes me feel alive in a way
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disposal-blueeee · 1 year ago
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gay gay homosexual gay
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lolliichop · 9 months ago
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i will attempt to write a few info about the characters and perhaps make rules and pinned better than what they are now, and a taglist wouldn't hurt ( even if i'm starting to be very sleepy, damn it... ), but in the meantime, behold.
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i made a few icons.
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laurelwinchester · 11 months ago
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one of my many many many arr*w related grievances is that people in the fandom (including in the laurel lance sub fandom) are very hesitant or even outright refuse to admit that quentin lance was an extremely emotionally abusive father. i still don't understand why that is.
#the thing is it's not like you have to go deep to see the abuse#it's actually quite in your face literally from day one which is why i'm forever raising an eyebrow at all the praise he gets#he was an extremely emotionally explosive man who constantly verbally or emotionally abused and manipulated laurel#he shredded her self esteem and confidence#he kept her shackled to him out of selfishness and made her small so he could continue to control her#and eventually he was the direct cause of her violent death#like what's not clicking?#he's john winchester* and yet for whatever reason he still doesn't get the john winchester treatment and i'll never understand why#is it because he more openly loved his children? because abusers often love their victims. it doesn't change the abuse#this rant coming to you because i'm trying to shift back into htlgi mode for the new year so i can at least try to get something posted soo#and i know i've talked about how i'm going to be tackling laurel's mommy issues but with the mommy issues come the inevitable daddy issues#and something i'm currently struggling with is that i....don't think laurel will ever be able to save herself from that man#especially not htlgi laurel#she is simply not capable of removing herself from that cycle of abuse. not where she is right now. maybe not ever.#which means 🤔#what if - and i'm just spitballing here - i kill him off?#........😏#oh that does sound satisfying ngl#it's not like i've given him much else to do#he mostly pops up every now and then to trigger both dean's fight or flight daddy issues and his overprotective husband issues#hmmm#anti quentin lance#arrow discourse#(*my hot take is that i think quentin lance is worse than john winchester. disclaimer: yes i'm aware that's an unpopular opinion.#i'm also aware it's ~cringe~ to be arrow posting in 2023 almost 2024 but this is how long it takes me to write lol)
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sysig · 1 year ago
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Huh?? Whuh??? Okay (Patreon)
#Doodles#Scouting fanfics has been Interesting on my brain lol#I tried to pick out the ones I fixated on first with exception of Vargas 'cause well - y'know lol#Someday 😔😢✨#But that still left me with a solid handful!#I'm trying to print them in increasing order - get the little guys out of the way once I'm satisfied with the process#And then work my way up so as to not Immediately overwhelm myself or my printer#And Helix happened to be the shortest among the fixation fics lol - what happens when I revisit a fixation? Correct!#Now granted it's only been since 2021 that I fixated on it - which is actually double funny to me since I was going back through my backlog#And I found some doodles of Max and Dex from 2019 - before I ever drew ZEX! - but I just never finished them lol#Very funny to me that I drew them first but then went in hard on ZEX and then SCII in general and /then/ circled back around lol#I know they weren't my in but dang what a quick turnaround in both directions lol#Well anyway the point is I love them and I love Helix <3#Jump to Japanese! While ''rereading'' my Japanese KoiBo volumes I'll occasionally pause and see if I can actually read something#I have a very loose grasp on Hiragana at this point - needta get back into practice to refresh - but context clues are my friends!#I think it's cute how Souichi just says ohayou but Morinaga says the full ohayou gozaimasu hehe <3#It's not so much that Morinaga speaks politely (although he does) but that Souichi speaks casually/disrespectfully! I love him <3 <3#I do get mixed up between su and tsu quite a lot - I know they don't look similar but I use a pneumonic for た (ta) that contradicts su :P#I'll get there! Every little step closer!#Last little guy was an at-the-time mystery pain in my guts! :0 I thought I ate something dodgy but it was acting weird for that#I think I've gotten it figured out by this point and the pain has gone away :D So who can complain!
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mod-tsu-edits-for-you · 1 year ago
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Hi! Could you do a sprite set of a Pulchritudinous Insanity AU version of Teruteru if you can?
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Here’s a reference if you need it!
NOTE: this version of Teru is blind in his left eye and 36% blind in his right eye. If you could add that detail that would be great!
Midge (they/them)
Here you go, Midge!
Putting 'em under a cut because there's a lot of them.
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troubleah · 2 years ago
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𝟐𝟎𝟎 𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐎𝐌 𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐔𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒 | AMELIA, IN CORMAC’S BODY, ( @wehowl ) SAID : ❛ i see you don’t recognize me. well, it was a long time ago. ❜      
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               Normally, Leah wouldn’t be too bothered – the world’s full of crazy people, and she never forgets a face; not one that knows her, of her ( she’s killed most of those who found out her secret ). And she’s certain she’s never met this dude before. Only. Well.
               He’s called her by her name.
               She doesn’t think. With a sudden burst of vampire speed, she slams the man – the witch, he stinks of magic, this can end badly for her – against the nearest wall, elbow pressing into his throat; hard enough to make his breathing difficult without harming his vocal cords. “Oh yeah? How long? Who the bloody hell are you?”
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tiredassmage · 2 years ago
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finals 1 of 2 down, was reminded of one of THE most satisfying chapters of KOTET today in the tags, decided I’d celebrate by letting Tyr choose violence again xD
(y’all are so right this never gets less satisfying lmao)
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double--cross-d · 2 months ago
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#vent#I think the reason I've been so hesitant to share my art or be satisfied with it is because#no one really likes it#I mean I get likes and the occasional comment but the only reblogs I ever get are from myself and one other person#And I get that I'm creating for myself and it's rude to ask people to reblog but#do you know how demotivating it is to see a reblog get more notes than your art?#to see fan works made in under an hour get more attention than stories you've spent months crafting?#God I know I'm fucking evil for wanting just a little attention but I'm just tired#I haven't even posted art of my newest characters because I know nobody would give a shit#I've been stalling on posting a story for a year because I just can't find the motivation because no one would care#I see artists I follow and look up to post their personal stories and get so many notes and asks about it#enough to make their own ask blogs and comics and get fan art#but when I post my own stories I get like 5 notes at max#I'm just so sick of it#Why should I bother showing my art to anyone if no one gives a shit#It'd be better if I just deleted my fucking art blogs because I'm the only one who cares about them at this point#I just want validation that what I'm making isn't complete shit but I'll never get that because no one reblogs anyone that begs#I only have like 3 people to confide in#meanwhile my sister has entire fandoms supporting her projects#I don't know man I don't want to dwell on it but I just can't bring myself to create anymore#my motivation is gone#I shouldn't care this much I know
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tardis--dreams · 2 months ago
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Wow this really was terrible. I think I'll stay in university as compared to work it seems actually quite nice (:
#this is exactly what i wanted from this dumb job decision btw#i wanted it to be a counterpart to university so that i could distract myself from university with work and vice versa#like 'ah i hate my job. guess uni isn't so bad' and 'fuck i hate university i prefer working' are great mindsets to even each other out#let's be real i hate both#and i don't think I'll ever be satisfied with anything i do#so it's not like i have the option between something i like and something i don't like#it's always gonna be a choice between two or more evils and i just have to find the one thing#that i hate the least#but also i have to accept that there's parts of everything that I'll hate at least as much as university#if not more#and today was certainly a day that sucked so bad it made university seem almost attractive#but i know i'll hate every second of the rest of my degree no matter how bad work is#whatever#I'll quit working for today#I have 10 hours of overtime this week#overtime i do Not get paid for nor can i even it out with free time officially#(inofficially however i will be working a lot less the next few weeks. like at least 2-3 hours less per week until#I've gotten back to zero overtime)#there still needs to be done so much on monday but i think my brain already quit a few hours ago#anyway I'll go read a book now (an actual work of fiction. for fun. a new little challenge for myself ♡)#(i also ordered a bunch of books i wanna read. most of them from japanese and korean authors so if i like the korean ones#I'll get the original(s) and have some fun with practicing korean hehe)#void screams
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rubys-domain · 1 year ago
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so... i think i've achieved consistent one-phase pyro regisvine by leveling up kazuha's burst to 6 and bennett's aquila favonia to 85. which is good. but it can be better. i want to get to the point where popping chongyun's burst is enough to kill it. for now i still have to do some normals and a second pop of his skill in order to kill it
#⇢₊˚⊹ 🩷∥ruby∥yo,ide yo !!#after raising kazuha's burst to level 9 i'll work on bennett's burst next#i want to exhaust all other options first before crit fishing yet again#i would crown bennett's burst as a sort of thank you for carrying me through the entire game alongside chong#but i want to triple crown cyno first#plus talent level 10 is a massive investment and for now i just don't think it's worth the hassle#i have 6 crowns in total. 3 of which are for cyno while 2 will go to bennett and xingqiu's bursts respectively#still haven't decided who to give the last crown to#i love collei and she was part of my main team the longest out of the other flex members#but i just don't use her outside of archery puzzles these days. and those don't require high talent levels#yanfei is my third dps but i don't feel as strongly attached to her yet as i do chongqiunett collei and cyno so idk if i'll crown her#i might triple crown xingqiu tho if the day ever comes when the temptation to build him as a dps finally consumes me#cuz i'll definitely have at least one more crown by the time that happens#in any case,i'll hold on to the last crown for now and see what happens#(yes i know there's no real point in leveling up cyno's normals. but my first triple-crown is chongyun; that should be enough to tell you#that i crown my characters out of Love™ and not practicality#(although i do have to think about that too. crowns are limited after all. if i had my way i would also triple crown benny qiu and collei)#(and also level all of them to 90 because sentimentality is a force that has become too strong for me to beat)#(it is kinda satisfying to see their exp slowly inching upwards tho. benny's about two-thirds away from level 81)#(i only wish i ascended all of them at once so exp would serve as a metric to see who gets the most use)
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mrsstarkey1 · 18 days ago
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getting rafe hooked on dress to impress
my fav thing i’ve ever written i can’t even lie
word count: 1.2k
obx masterlist
you yawned loudly and abnoxiously as you walked into rafe’s bedroom. you kicked your shoes off, grabbing one of rafe’s t-shirts from his drawer, changing out of your uncomfortable clothes. “didn’t think you were coming back, it’s late as fuck.” rafe said, looking at you oddly as he sat up on the bed against the headboard.
“longest fucking day of my life. need to unwind.”
rafe smirked, reaching his whole body over the bed to grab your forearm. "like the sound of that," he mumbles.
you let yourself move toward him, but you groan, “not like that.” rafe momentarily pouts, but doesn’t let go of your arm. in fact, he pulls you closer onto the bed with him urging you to cuddle up into him.
he snakes his arm around you, soft fingers tracing circles into your side. "wanna talk about it?"
you yawn and shake your head, "nah, can we just watch a movie or something?"
rafe nods, grabbing the TV remote from the nightstand. "you don't wanna watch some chick-flick do you?" he asks, grimacing already.
you sigh dramatically, “i guess not. fast and furious?”
rafe obligies, satisfied with your suggestion. you get comfortable on the bed, your head rested on rafe's shoulder and your phone rested on his chest as you scroll through tiktok.
about 20 minutes later, you see a video about the new halloween update on dress to impress and gasp before you can stop yourself. rafe jumps slightly, eyes wide. “jesus christ, what’s wrong?”
"sorry, nothing," you grin apologetically, "can I borrow your laptop though?"
he looks at you like you've lost your mind, but he still grabs his macbook from the nightstand, handing it over to you. you sit up excitedly, leaning up against the headboard.
you open the laptop and sign into your roblox account, side eyeing rafe as he gives you an odd look. "the fuck are you doing?"
"playing a game," you respond innocently.
he raises his eyebrows, "roblox? wheezie used to play that shit.. when she was 8," he says, judging you hardcore.
you glare at him, "you don't understand," you sigh. "just watch me play, it's genuinely fun."
he watches you click on dress to impress, making a disgusted face. "yeah I can't defend you on this one," he says and you shove his shoulder.
"well have you ever played dress to impress?" you ask him.
"obviously not," he says, his sassy side on full display.
"well don't judge then. just watch and i'll let you play a round when i'm done," you say with a smile, patting his cheek softly.
"hell nah," he says, directing his attention back to the movie.
you shake your head, giving up on getting him to play. you start a round, looking around at all the new pieces they added. the theme is holiday for your first round, so of course you do halloween.
you notice rafe's eyes on the computer screen as his curiosity clearly starts to creep back in despite himself. he watches as you piece together combination of a witch hat, spiderweb dress, and dark boots.
“what even is this shit?” he asks, trying to sound nonchalant but clearly intrigued.
you grin, not taking your eyes off the screen since you only have a minute left. “you compete with other people to make the best outfit based on a theme. you'd be pretty good at it, you've got great style," you say, trying to persuade him.
he gives you a look, shaking his head, "sounds dumb as fuck," he says, and you just laugh. he's silent for a moment before turning slightly to have a better view of the screen, "so what you just like... dress them up and shit?"
you nod, watching the time run out. "yes, then everyone votes on each outfit and the top 3 get on the podium. see," you point to the screen, "the voting's starting now."
an outfit that's completely off theme struts down the runway and you grimace, "see like that one's ugly as fuck so i give it a 1. oooh look, this ones mine," you say with a proud smile. "doesn't she look great?"
rafe shrugs, "i guess."
you ended up getting third place, losing to two terrible outfits. you curse under your breath, before turning to him. “you wanna try a round?” you smile, looking up at him.
rafe scoffs, glancing back at the movie, but curiosity gets the better of him. “alright, fine, hand it over.” he takes the laptop.
"okay the theme is beach day," you tell him.
he hums in response, looking around at the clothes aimlessly. "rafe, you gotta pick something that actually matches,” you say, stifling a laugh as he pairs a yellow bikini top with neon green shorts.
"shh, I have a vision," he says, dismissing your words. "wait why the fuck doesn't she have a face?"
"you gotta go to the makeup and hair room, over there," you point at the screen.
he scrolls through the makeup options, finally decided on one. "mhm, she bad ain't she?" you chuckle, knowing rafe is secretly loving this.
time runs out just as he adds the coconut drink, and you see him watching the screen eagerly, waiting for the voting to end. one girl dressed in long pants and a jacket walks out and he looks over at you, disgusted, "this bitch didn't even look at the theme." all you can do is laugh and nod your head in agreement.
when rafe places second, he smirks, looking way too pleased with himself. "ha," he says, "i did better than you."
you roll your eyes. "yeah you're done playing," you say, snatching the laptop back.
the next night, you texted rafe that you were gonna come over after your morning shift and you didn't get a response, which was odd. you let yourself into his house with the key he'd given you. "rafe?" you called out, walking into the living room. "you here?" no response.
you furrowed your eyebrows, walking up the stairs. maybe he was just in his room, you thought, taking a nap or something. you creak open his bedroom door, met with the scene of him sitting on his bed, looking intently at his laptop.
his eyes shoot up to look at you and he slams his laptop closed, guilty look in his eye. you raise your eyebrows, "what were you doing?" you question him, walking toward the bed.
he rubs the back of his neck with his hand, shaking his head. "nothin.'"
your eyes narrow, "were you watching porn?" you joke, sitting down next to him.
he sighs, "worse.." he trails off. he mentally debates for a minute, before pulling his laptop back into his lap, opening it slowly to reveal dress to impress on full display.
your hand shoots to cover your mouth, laugh escaping your lips anyway. all he does is glare at you, "this is your fucking fault."
you lean into him with a laugh, "I know I know, sorry. don't be embarrassed, rafe." you press a kiss to his lips.
as you kiss him, you can’t help but laugh again, glancing at his screen. "okay wait that's actually a cute outfit. you're getting good," you nudge him, "fashionista," you add quietly with a chuckle.
he looks at you straight-faced, "I'm only playing this dumbass game because you dragged me into it. i was just bored so,” he gestures to the screen.
“sure, rafe, whatever you say,” you tease, cuddling up beside him. "feel free to keep playing, don't stop at my expense."
he scoffs, but gives in and restarts the game.
you wrap your arm around his middle and watch as he puts together outfit after outfit, the grin rarely leaving your face.
you just love your little fashionista.
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requests are OPEN 💌
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makshu · 1 year ago
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I think sometimes I don't want a friendship like theirs, I want their friendship
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