#I don't even know if I like it

[never-sated]

It fucking hurt.  She understood.  Of course she did.  Bea would never abandon the mission.  Bea would never run away.  Even if she’d just told her to.  Even if she’d stopped her from maybe actually ending this.  Why the fuck even…if it was the mission that mattered, if stopping Adriel mattered, then why not let her just do it?

Ava knows.  Of course she does.  But what can she do?  She just put herself out there, basically asked Bea to run away with her.  Even if she knew she’d say no.  Had she known that for sure?  Honestly, she’d hoped she was wrong.  Hoped that Bea keeping her from sacrificing herself meant what she thought it meant.

It did.  Of course it did.  But Bea…Bea would never go first.  Honestly, she’d probably never go at all unless Ava forced her hand.  She didn’t want to do that.  God, she really didn’t.  There were still so many things she didn’t know about Bea, but she knew enough.  Years of self-loathing don’t just disappear overnight.  And Ava’s sure it isn’t just that.  She’s positive Bea is thinking about Shannon, about every other Warrior Nun who’s only ever lived to die.  Fuck if Ava doesn’t want to live.  So much.  It’s all she wants.  Well, and to do it with Bea.  Once upon a time she’d thought not being tied down, not needing anyone, was the only way to move forward.  Except that hadn’t even been true then, not really.  And it certainly wasn’t now.

But she’s gotten off track.  That happens a lot where Bea��s concerned.  So, no running off to the Alps together.  No going back to the bar, back to Hans and the regulars.  No going back to that tiny apartment they’d managed to make a home.  So where the fuck did that leave them?  Bea wasn’t wrong.  They were out of options.  Michael’s option was the only one left, at least as far as Ava could see.  But they didn’t even have the fucking crown now.

She doesn’t know what else to do but to go to Michael.  To tell him that they’ll do it his way.  To tell him not to tell anyone else.  Even as she says it, she knows.  Bea is the smartest person she’s ever met.  And stupidly observant, especially when it comes to her.  She knows.  She doesn’t know exactly what she knows, but she knows there’s a plan that she hasn’t been let in on.  She knows there’s a cost.  It’s why, even without understanding what was happening, she hadn’t let Ava get to Michael at the citadel.  She’d known, because she always does, that Ava was about to do something dangerous.  Even though it endangered (broke?) their mission, Bea had stopped her.  Hadn’t given a single fucking thought to anything but stopping her.

Ava punches the wall.  It doesn’t help.  The skin across her knuckles breaks, leaving a bloody trail on the wall.  Just as quickly, the wounds heal.  The stain remains.  She stares at it, not quite sure what to do next.

“Did that help?”

Camila’s voice startles Ava and she turns to find her standing in the doorway.  She looks down at her knuckles, already healed, then back at the stain on the wall.

“No, it really didn’t.”

Camila nods.  “Bea’s been standing on the balcony for an hour.”

Ava takes a deep breath.  “Do you know why?”

“Do you?”

Ava looks away.  “She said there was nothing more I could do, that I should run, to keep the halo safe.”

Camila doesn’t say anything, but Ava knows she’s waiting.

“I asked her to run away with me.”

“Ava,” Camila begins.

“I know, okay, I know.  She was always going to say no but I thought-” her words cut off in a sharp sob.

Then Camila is there, wrapping her up in a hug.  She isn’t Bea.  She never could be.  But Ava could never say any of this to Bea, and Camila won’t judge her.  She lets herself cry as Camila rubs her back.

“You know, I told Bea that falling in love with the Warrior Nun was easy.”

Suddenly it’s all Ava can do to keep breathing.

“It’s loving them that’s the hard part.”  Camila pulls back enough to look at Ava.  “She doesn’t know how to say yes.  Bea’s never put herself first, not in all the time I’ve known her.”  She pauses, making sure she has Ava’s complete attention, as if there’s anything else in the world Ava would notice right now.  “That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to.”

That cracks Ava all the way open.  “I know,” she whispers.  

As fresh tears form in her eyes, Camila pulls her back in for another hug.  “Tell her.”

Ava shakes her head.  “I can’t do that to her.  Warrior Nuns die.”

“She knows.”

“I can’t do that to her,” Ava repeats.

Camila pulls back.  “Would you rather know, or just think you know?”

Ava swallows.  “I’m not Bea.”

“But you know her Ava, you know her so well.”

Ava looks up at the ceiling, blinking fiercely.

“Just think about it,” Camila says, after giving her a moment.  “Not everyone gets a second chance.”

“Or a third,” Ava chuckles.

Camila smiles.  “There she is.”

“Miss America,” Ava replies, a small smile on her lips.

“Talk to Bea.”

Ava nods.

Camila looks at the wall behind Ava, “I’ll get some soap to clean that up.”

Ava looks back at the stain.  “Don’t.”

Camila gives her a questioning look.

“It’s a reminder.”

Camila doesn’t question it, just nods, then turns and walks out the door.

Ava stares at the stain a moment longer, then heads out to find Bea.  She may not be ready to give her every truth, but she’ll be damned if she’s going to waste the time they have punching the shit out of walls.

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[mroddmod]

they are like puppies. 2 me

[i-dont-watch-movies-or-tv]

I feel like the age of having a "burner email" is gone. Out of curiosity,

[uncanny-tranny]

I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.

I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:

Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)

Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)

Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often

Eat dessert first

Celebrate well, and often

Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)

Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.

Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate

Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)

Walk without having a specific destination or goal

Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.

I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.

[honetii]

I'm like super normal and not unhinged in the slightest (I spent 3 days formatting, printing, and binding a niche internet story about sci fi football into a 280 page physical book)

[bberry005]

absolutely losing it at the polar opposite perspective we get on darth vader during rebels. kanan and ezra encounter him and there's a dramatic lead up to the cameo and they're like "who the FUCK is that???". they fight him and lose terribly. at least until they drop several tons of heavy machinery on him. but then he survives! and then they're like "if that won't kill him what can?!" "not us. let's go!". there's no drama, no extremely emotional dialogue, no agony over the man he used to be and the monster he became. just "hey what is that? a SITH LORD? that sounds like 1-800-NOT OUR PROBLEM!!!" and then they go back to doing whatever they normally do

[what-am-i-doing-in-this-fandom]

Yeah, I don't know about you, Fidds, but I'd fold at this 🙏

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[inkskinned]

what is with men being mad any time a woman raises her voice where did that even come from. someone posted a video of a small electrical explosion, and the top comment was of course the woman screams. the second comment is women try not to scream challenge, level impossible. i had to go back and watch the video again. there is, somewhat fainty, a little gasp emitted off-camera, more of a yelp than a scream. it is mostly lost in the crack of the explosion. afterwards, you hear her voice, shaken, say, are you okay?

i am helping one of my friends train her voice pitch lower, because she wants to be taken seriously at work. she and i do each other's nails and talk about gender roles; and how - due to our appearance - neither of us have ever been able to be "hysterical" in public. we both appear young and sweet and feminine. she is cisgender, and cannot use her natural voice in her profession because people keep saying she appears to be "vapid". we both try to figure out if our purposeful voice lowering is technically sexist. is it promoting something when you are a victim to it?

a storm almost sends a pole through a car window. in the dashcam, you can hear the woman passenger say her partner's name twice, crying out in alarm. she sounds terrified. in the comments, she is lambasted for her lack of calm. how is that even fucking helping?

in high school, i taught myself to have a lower voice. i had been recorded when i was genuinely (and righteously) upset; and i hated how my voice sounded on the phone speakers when it was played back. i was defending my mom, and my voice cracked with emotion. it meant i was no longer winning the argument: i was just shrieking about it.

girls meet each other after a long summer and let out a little joyful scream. this usually stops around 12-14, because people will not tolerate this display of affection (as it has the effect of being passingly annoying). something about the fact that little girls can't ever even be annoying. we are trained to examine each part of our lives (even joy) for anything that could make us upsetting and disgusting. they act like teenage girls are breaking into houses and shrieking you awake at 3 in the morning. speaking as a public school educator: trust me, it's not that bad, you can just roll your eyes and move on. it does not compare to the ways boys end up being annoying: slurs in graffiti, purposefully mocking your body, following you after you said no. you know, just boy things.

there's another video of a man who is not allowed to yell in the house, so he snaps his fingers when he's excited about soccer. the comments are full of angry men, talking about how their brother is unfairly caged. let him express himself and this is terrible to do to someone. eventually the couple has to address it in a second video: they are married with a newborn baby. he was trying not to wake the infant up. there is no comment on the fact women are not allowed to yell indoors. or the fact that it could have been really alarming or triggering for his wife. sometimes i wonder if straight men even like women, if they even enjoy being in relationships with them.

for the longest time, i hated roller coasters because it always felt inappropriate and uncomfortable for me to scream. one of my friends called me on it, said it was unusual i'm so unwilling. i had to go to my therapist about it. i don't like to scream because i was not raised in a safe situation, and raising my voice would have brought unsafe attention towards me. even when i am supposed to scream, it feels shameful, guilty. i was not treated kindly, so i lack a basic form of self-protection. this is not a natural response. it is not good that in a situation of high adrenaline - i shut up about it.

something very bad is happening, i think. in between all the beauty standards and the stuff i've already discussed - this one feels new and cruel in a way i can't quite express. yes, it's scary and silencing. but there's something about how direct it is - that so many men agree with the sentiment that women should never yell, even in an emergency - it feels different.

is the word shriek gendered automatically? how about shrill or screech? in self defense class, one of the first things they tell you is to yell, as loud and as shrilly as you can. they say it will feel rude. most women will not do this. you need to practice overcoming the social pressure and just scream.

most women do not cry out, even when it's bad. we do not report it. we walk faster. we do not make a scene. what would be the point of doing anything else? no matter what we do, we don't get taken seriously. it is a joke to them. an instagram caption punchline. we have to present ourselves as silent, beautiful, captivating - "valuable."

a woman is outside watching her kids when someone throws a firecracker at them. she screams and runs towards her children. in the comments, grown men flock together in the thousands: god. women are so annoying.

[sparrowlucero]

if you're working on a project as a lowly concept artist should you, like, warn clients not to call the evil tech company in their tv show "vore incorporated" or name a villain "the bad dragon" or whatever? is that your moral duty?

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

HOT, SINGLE, UNSTUDIED SPONGES. 3000 NAUTICAL MILES AWAY. Come sail the distance and read Tiger Tiger!

[lazylittledragon]

one of those 'only wine in the camp supplies' nights [X]

[originalartblog]

Someone's last crush didn't live up to the hype 😬

[akanemnon]

Yeah, Kris is definitely NOT alright.

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MASTERPOST (for the full series / FAQ / reference sheets)

[0104-vikita]

DISCLAIMER: SEMI-EXPLICIT VIOLENCE

This is probably one of the most infuriating comics I have ever done. I had to go for a more "sketchy" style since doing all the slides in my usual super-clean-line art style would have taken a lot of time. I also did the colors very opaque to give a more serious tone.

If you pay attention to the scale of the room and everything on it, you'll see that it is HUGE. Made on purpose to try to be consistent with the atmosphere of the show. I also did the plushies and figures kind of inaccurate to show how she may not remember quite well how the actual characters looked like.

I'm honestly still not sure of whether he would rip a drawing apart, so don't take it too seriously. Someone please ask @gooseworx if this was out of character for Jax or if he legit would do that lmao.

As a little clarification, the comic is called Vent art because of what Gangle is doing, not because of the comic being MY Vent Art. I usually don't use art to vent.