#I don't care if it's not supposed to be romantic drama

[emelinstriker]

☆ More ESAU Headcanons ☆

Happy New Year! :D

And since my recent art burnout's been a bitch, I decided to at least cook up something by writing down headcanons. Soooo here's some mostly trivial headcanons about the Champions. :)

☆ ~ Headcanons ~ ☆

☆ Wukong

>Did you know he has a collection of snacks hidden on his side of the bedroom? No? Now you do. Macaque already knew that since the start because Wukong isn't subtle about grabbing bags of peach chips from his hiding place. The bags are loud enough that Macaque's intense hearing isn't even required.

>He's also still a hoarder at heart. So don't be surprised if you find out that his closet is filled with items you can tell he doesn't need at all. The only reason the room itself isn't messy is because otherwise Macaque would forcefully shadow-portal his items away to keep things as presentable as possible.

>Not hard to figure out based on his design, but he's not really a fan of shirts. His cape and shoulder guard are fine, but an actual shirt or something else fully covering his torso feels like it's too much. He can get a bit annoyed when dressing up more as a form of disguise, but he also won't openly complain about it.

☆ Macaque

>Definitely holds the record for the highest kill count in the palace. Sure, he has a head start with how long him and Wukong had been servants before the others, but he still has more kills than his brother regardless.

>Him and Ao Lie aren't just besties in regards to them being both concerningly out of their minds, but they also both enjoy reading and gushing about fiction. You could find Macaque often hang around the library even before Ao Lie joined. Though, their tastes in the genres are a bit different. Macaque leans more towards overdramatic romantic books. Or just drama in general. They give him inspiration.

>He accidentally spilled just a tiny bit wine on the carpet once while trying to seduce a Master, and he never forgave himself for that ever since. He was so convinced that single mistake ruined his chances.

☆ Mink

>Despite the way he acts around the other Champions, he actually does care about them... somewhat. He certainly wouldn't be all that opposed to the idea of some of them suddenly disappearing. However, much like a previous point I talked about regarding him being physically unable to have a crush, the same principle applies to true hatred.

>He doesn't hate the others, contrary to popular belief. He just manages to annoy them to the point of some certain Champions wanting to fight and beat him up whenever possible. His blunt way of speaking and casual demeanor, no matter the regular emotion one would have in situations, only adds to why he's not well-liked in the group. That's him pretty much mirroring the Guardian.

>Deliberately leaves tiny pieces of his ink around the palace. The others believe it's just Mink being an asshole and refusing to fully retract his ink. But it's just him doing his job. They have no idea about the lost souls that walked into his small puddles.

☆ Nezha

>Daddy issues. Only really internally though since he can barely remember much of his family. But he does get a bit jealous whenever he sees one of his Masters have a happy relationship with their father. He can't explain why either, but he also would never admit to it. He's in denial.

>Secretly helps out Red Son in subtle ways. Like placing items he was supposed to find for their Master in an easier spot.

>His bed and its surroundings have so much pink and red going on, it looks like he's ready for Valentine's Day all year long.

☆ MK

>You know how his memory is absolutely the worst out of all of them? Oddly enough, he's a fast learner despite that. He may even retain certain parts of what he learned, especially if it involves muscle memory.

>Sleeps with plushies, of which some may be gifts from previous Masters.

>Gets this really odd feeling of familiarity whenever he see the people from that one noodle shop his Master sometimes sends him to. But he also doesn't like sticking around for too long because they've been trying to convince him to stay. That doesn't sit right with him. Their scents also made him suspicious. The green girl smells a lot like Ao Lie, so he doesn't trust her.

☆ Red Son

>Great at cooking and crafting, but horrible at gardening. Nezha can vouch. He once tried teaching Red Son a bit of gardening in case he couldn't tend to the courtyard for a while. It ended up in Nezha's soul nearly leaving his body at the sight of some plants catching on fire.

>If there's something like a broken toilet, he unfortunately is the one being asked to fix it. He's never been given any direct orders about it, but he ended up fixing such matters regardless to get a bit more recognition amongst the servants.

>He owns cute little cookie cutters in the shape of the Champions. One Master formed those for him, and he's enjoyed using those whenever he could.

☆ Azure

>"He asked for no pickles"-energy when out with the other Champions just to relax and hangout in the city.

>Unironically once put a leashed harness on MK after he managed to get lost too many times while the two of them, plus Nezha, were on a mission.

>Gentle giant with a heart of gold... But he also won't hesitate to swiftly crush someone if they were to go against any rules he himself follows. Of course, he would never willingly harm any of the other Champions, even if they sometimes do get on his nerves by breaking rules... We're going to ignore the fact that he has disposed of a few unruly low-ranked servants that spoke badly of his Master and their legacy.

☆ Ao Lie

>The wholesome persona he puts up is more fake than Macaque's glamor. They're both pretty much close to equally unhinged and psychotic, but Macaque is a lot better at hiding it.

>He's surprisingly skilled at crochet. It's actually something he started doing because Azure was trying to get him to open up a bit more, so he showed him how to make some lil crochet animals that Azure had learned from a previous Master.

>Bookworm who has dissected a Celestial Hunter out of curiosity before, as if it were a fun school project.

☆ Jin

>Without his brother around, he is actually extremely calm and laid back. Not that he isn't with Yin around, but it's a lot more prominent when his brother isn't hyping him up with more of his own energy.

>Really likes putting together puzzles and organizing things. Which is why he tends to help Ao Lie organize books that weren't properly put back. He's also really good at playing Jenga with how he also enjoys stacking.

>Gives off a calm dad-vibe similar to Azure, but a lot more nonchalant in the way he reacts to things. Unlike Azure, he's not really a fan of upholding certain rules.

☆ Yin

>Without his brother around, he tends to act more cold and somewhat more easily aggressive. Usually Jin would hold him back and balance him out with his calmer energy.

>He had a run-in with a Karen one time while him and his brother were on a mission in Megapolis, and now he really does not like socializing with the humans in the city. As in, you know those annoying moments where your parent meets a friend at a store at random and they start to small-talk, and you just want to go home? That's how he feels whenever his brother is being all laid back about socializing with the humans they have to interact with.

>Actually more experienced in close-combat than Jin. He used to rub that fact in just to tease him, until he lost in a sparring match to Wukong shortly after having joined the ranks of the Champions... No, the match wasn't required for anything, nor did Wukong even want to do anything at all that day. But Yin kept on boasting so much about his close-combat skills towards Jin that Wukong felt a bit annoyed and asked for a match to let Yin prove himself. Unsurprisingly, Yin lost the match fairly quickly, but it only made him respect the Blue Champion... Oh, and he shut up about his close-combat skills, which Jin was silently thanking the older Champion for.

[ Masterlist ]

[riyathebibliomaniac]

Just a guy on a cute date with his possessed girlfriend! ☺😍🥰

(Don't remind me of the context please. Let me be delusional. 🙏)

[maybe-boys-do-love]

Was thinking today about Cherry Magic Thailand, and all respect to the writing (which deftly navigated the challenging task of adapting a full-on classic) and the rest of the cast and crew, but has any QL series' success hinged so much on a single actor going above and beyond in a performance as Cherry Magic Thailand does on Tay Tawan's portrayal of Karan???

That character could have fallen so detrimentally flat. He is perfection personified. Even after Achi discovers his so-called 'imperfections' (which are just that he sings bad and is crushing extra hard on Achi), the writing doesn't ever let Karan come off his pedestal. He remains put together, impossibly patient, and admirably righteous. His stress in life is that people don't respect his hard work because he's so beautiful! This character, in theory, should not really strike an audience as likeable. The writers could have used the one facet of his family-drama that emerges in the penultimate episode to build a deeper character in the writing, but elect not to even hint at it any earlier in the series.

So much heavy lifting is left to Tay, and the performance is a wonder to behold. Tay Tawan is certainly attractive in the way Karan is supposed to be attractive--fit, tall, handsome--but Tay's face and earnest dorky demeanor are unique in a way that seem far too rare in the influencer era. The breadth of his nose, the goofy joy in his smile, the clownish clumsiness, the nerdiness of his interests (the GMMTV actor most likely to be reposting a popular science article or rare animal sighting): Tay brings all of these elements of himself to bear on the poised idol of Karan, playing all the parts of the romantic hero while letting his own characteristics distill onto it so that the character actually contains valuable tension for the audience between his faultlessness and the slow reveal of his sincerity. That dynamic lies at the core of the show, and it's a less explored one in media, so all the more challenging to do.

But Tay understands the assignment. He goes full-in when Achi hears Karan's inner voice, squealing and talking manically fast (a real-life Tay Tawanism as well as a wonderful connection to Japanese performance styles). Once the characters begin their romance, so much effort is put in to have Karan looking at Achi, not just with love, but with the deepest gratitude. That's what most often had me crying. In fact, it often looked like Karan was on the verge of happy tears, overwhelmed by the fortune to love and be allowed to love Achi.

Being able to appreciate Karan's sincerity opens up an avenue for the audience to care about his challenges that on the surface seem so superficial. Tay is able to take this character's struggle to be taken seriously and make it as worthy and pitiable as any narrative about women in the workplace struggling with that issue, and that's not an easy feat in this day and age. Whether in Karan's affections or disappointments, Tay exhibits such humility and unabashedness in his performance throughout the series, it renders the otherwise familiar messages about the value of the small unappreciated things in the world as enchanted and life-changing.

And incredibly amongst all this, the series REQUIRES by its very title for Karan to have a sex drive, and even that desire threads through Tay's portrayal of the character as he interacts with Achi, maintaining an incredible balance between a fun and dorky excitement about sex and a potent sensuality (it's such a great sex scene when it finally comes).

Tay took a paragon and made him such a fully fleshed-out and realized character. I just can't imagine the series working without such a masterfully crafted performance. The whole cast did great work, don't get me wrong. Tay's is just one of those magical reminders about what the art of acting can achieve.

[lyvhie]

after last night | dong sicheng

actor!sicheng x actress!reader (+18 mdni)

summary: acting alongside your rival was supposed to be just another one of the competitions you play out in your mind, but after a brief heated moment between the two of you, you began to question your true feelings toward him.

a/n: @winwintea..... i'm finally here, pookie.... im like, so so so so so sorry it took sooooo long for me to finally finish this. but i put a lot of love care blood sweat and tears on it, i hope you like it, if you dont, then ill disappear from earth and no one will ever see me again 😫

cw: smut, fluff, more of one-sided rivals to situationship, alcohol mention and consumption, fingering, edging, unprotected sex.

with a frustrated huff, you sank into the chair, allowing the makeup artist to work their magic. the studio was filled with an almost tangible tension, as everyone seemed to expect a blow-out fight between you and sicheng at any moment.

it’s been a constant issue since the start of filming this drama. working on the same project as your long-time rival sicheng has made every day stressful, the constant tension and friction have made filming the drama a more difficult and uncomfortable experience for everyone involved.

the undeniable chemistry between you and sicheng on camera despite the constant tension backstage has led to the difficulty of finding another pair to match your on-screen chemistry. as the main characters of the drama, the romantic aspect of the show requires a certain level of connection and synchronization that only you two seem to possess, as ironic as it may sound.

but today, the prolonged shoot further strained everyone on the set, not only due to the physical exhaustion, but also the weight of the tense atmosphere that loomed over everyone. the frustration and fatigue were palpable, and the constant back and forth between you and sicheng only added to the mounting pressure.

the problem was the dreaded kissing scene. despite everyone’s expectations, you and sicheng can’t do it — and unfortunately, you’re the only one to blame. every time the distance between your faces closes, you instinctively pull away, much to everyone’s frustration.

“um, excuse me,” the staff member poked her head into the dressing room and announced, "the director said it's getting late, and it would be best to continue tomorrow, so… everyone is dismissed for today,” she gave a small, apologetic smile before closing the door gently.

"of course this would happen," you mutter under your breath, trying to contain your frustration. you dismiss the makeup artist with a polite nod, then tilt your head back in irritation as you let out a heavy sigh.

“can you please calm down a little, boss?” your assistant, haneul, places a cup of hot chocolate in front of you and steps into your view, her voice gentle as she pleads with you.

you glare at her and snap, "don't ask me to calm down when i’m perfectly calm, haneul,” grabbing the drink, you take a big sip before continuing. "dong sicheng is such an idiot.”

haneul lets out a deep sigh, rolling her eyes at your response. "he might be an idiot, but you're not much better when you act like this all the time," she says, crossing her arms. "just suck it up, get the scene done, and then you can go back to hating each other."

her firm words cause you to flinch, and you allow your shoulders to drop, acknowledging her point. you're aware that you've been more irritating than usual lately, and her straightforward approach hits home.

you sigh, slumping into the chair and admit, "i know, i know. i'm sorry. i'm just in a really bad mood today. everything is going wrong, and sicheng... i just want to punch that annoying face of his so bad.”

haneul couldn't help but chuckle, her eyes crinkling in amusement as they watched you scrunch your face like you had just tasted something sour.

"you two should get a room," her tone was playful, yet there was an underlying suggestion in her voice that betrayed her mischievous thoughts.

"what?!" you exclaimed, your voice tinged with disbelief and shock, you were offended even. the mere thought of having something like that with sicheng gave you the creeps.

haneul continued with a sly smile on her face, her tone now tinged with a hint of amusement, "i’m just saying," she began, "that we can all see the tension between you two. it's like you're just waiting for the moment to pounce on each other."

"is that your way of asking to be fired, huh?" your eyebrows raising slightly out of disbelief. "cut the nonsense – where the hell did you even get that idea?" you shook your head, dismissing the absurd thought, clearly annoyed by your friend's outlandish assumption.

haneul just laughed even more, enjoying the reaction from you. she had always assumed that deep down, you were only pretending to hate sicheng, because she could sense that there was secretly something more than just dislike. the imaginary game you played in your mind, of trying to outshine each other, was something she thought had made the actual attraction to him more intense.

"yeah, you can keep telling yourself that, boss," she placed her hands on your shoulders, giving them a slight squeeze. "but your bad mood would improve a lot if you just let him hit it.”

haneul was caught off guard as you suddenly grabbed the pillow from your lap, not having enough time to react. she grunted as the pillow hit her face with a soft thud. she stumbled back, rubbing her face where the pillow made contact, failing to hide her giggle and act offended.

she was about to continue with her tease when the sound of the door opening interrupted her, as if a greater force was saving her from provoking your wrath even further.

"sorry to interrupt," sicheng's deep voice reached your ears, his gaze fixing on you with a small raise of his eyebrows. he was the last person you wanted to see. "are you free right now?"

“for you?”

“mhm.”

“then no.”

sicheng let out a deep sigh in response, already expecting this reply from you. your name came out of his lips with a different, pleading tone compared to the annoyed one he had used for you all day.

"i’m serious," he said, his voice tinged with a hint of sincerity. "we need to talk, please?"

you were usually a stubborn person, but perhaps today you were simply too drained and the memory of haneul's words from before suddenly echoed in your mind, reminding you that maybe making things difficult wasn't always the right way to go, you knew you had already caused enough trouble.

so with a reluctant sigh, you relented, “fine,” your tone slightly annoyed. “what is it?” you gestured for haneul to give you some space alone with him and she immediately made her way to the door, despite her curiosity about what you would talk.

sicheng moved closer, taking a seat in front of you. you expected him to bring up the topic of the messed-up records and give you his usual sweet and annoying words of reassurance, mentally prepared to roll your eyes and respond with snark.

"i've noticed how stressful it was for you today," he started, his tone sympathetic. "and since this is your first romantic role, i've been thinking about what i could do to make this process easier for you. then, i realized the solution was right in front of us.”

you raised an eyebrow skeptically, not liking where this was going.

“we just need to practice,” he smiled.

"you're saying we should practice... kissing?"

“exactly!”

“absolutely not.”

his smile faded away instantly.

he let out a slight whine, trying to persuade you to comply. "oh, come on," he pleaded, "don't be like that now.”

“i said no. this is so stupid, sicheng,” you crossed your arms, looking away from him.

“why are you making such a big deal out of this?" even though he already knew that acting like this was part of your nature, he still asked.

you felt overwhelmed at the thought of having to kiss him on set even more, let alone practicing it multiple times. it was already a challenge for you, and you were unsure if you could handle it.

you responded with a nonchalant shrug, trying to downplay it. "i’m not making a big deal out of it," you said dismissively. "i just think this idea is stupid. that’s all."

"have you thought about something better then?" he asked, his tone tinged with a slight annoyance. “there's no way we can keep going with the show if you don't overcome this problem." his eyebrows furrowed as he continued, "you know we'll have to perform even more 'spicy' scenes in the future, right?”

ugh... of course you know. you were already starting to regret your stupid decision to accept a show for a mature audience just to compete with sicheng.

“and i fear they might replace you for this scene," he continued, his tone serious. "not that it's a problem per se, but i know you don't like stunts.”

his words made you flinch a little. it’s not that you dislike stunts themselves, you actually think they are pretty cool and that their work is impressive. you just don't like the idea of not seeming capable of doing your own work, and feeling inadequate when you know you're so skilled in it. it leaves you feeling disconcerting.

overwhelmed? unsure if you could handle it? regretting your role choice? replaced by a stunt double? bullshit! you were a top-notch actress, and a simple kiss wouldn't change that. you had the skills and confidence to tackle any role thrown your way.

sicheng knew he had struck a chord as he observed your expression. he knew well that bringing out your competitive side would effectively motivate you. the slight frown that appeared on your face, coupled with the defeated sigh and the rolled eyes, only confirmed his assumption that he had achieved his goal.

“okay, let's do that.”

hah.

he got you.

haneul couldn't resist making suggestive remarks toward you upon hearing that she could leave first because you had things to do with sicheng. it wasn't until you played the "threaten-her-paycheck" card that she finally decided it was time to head home.

now it was just you and sicheng in the studio. as you stood leaning against the table set for the scene, your eyes briefly skimmed over the script once more. you knew that it wasn't to ensure you did it right, but rather to prolong the inevitable moment of kissing him.

“are you done?” sicheng's voice cut through your thoughts, prompting you to lift your head and meet his gaze. he stood a short distance away, his arms crossed in a manner that signaled his patient but slightly impatient attitude.

as you cleared your throat, a subtle attempt to buy a little more time, you glanced back down at the script. "almost," you replied, keeping your gaze fixed on the paper. "i just need to read through it one more time."

but contrary to what you insisted on saying, sicheng wasn’t an idiot.

a flicker of surprise crossed your face as sicheng abruptly grabbed the papers from your hands and tossed them aside. the unexpected move caught you off guard, and before you could react, he had placed his hands on either side of the table, effectively cornering you.

“what are you doing?” your frown deepened as he leaned closer, his body nearly touching yours. the proximity making it difficult to ignore the rapid thuds of your heart and keep your feigned annoyance.

“you needed time," he said, "and i think i've given you enough."

"don't be an idiot," you scoffed. “we need to re—”

“we're not here to rehearse the lines," he interrupted you quickly. "we both know you can recite this backward by now."

you couldn't argue with sicheng's words, he was right; there wasn't a need to play the entire scene when you could easily jump straight to the main part.

you had been attempting to buy time, and sicheng had allowed you some grace in doing so. but he had finally reached a point where enough was enough. there was no escape now.

"alright," you responded with a confident gaze, your expression indicating a readiness to proceed. sicheng's brow twitched slightly at your response, a subtle sign that he was either surprised or intrigued by your sudden change.

his agreement followed swiftly:

"great."

“great.”

with those simple lines, the stage was set.

you were in the correct position, just as the script dictated. in this moment, the male lead had devised a plan to kiss the girl, saying that her wishes would only come true if she kissed him, and he had locked her in the exact position where sicheng was holding you now.

all it needed was the pivotal moment — the kiss.

sicheng's hand cupped your face once more, replicating the same intimate gesture as before. the familiar sensation of his thumb on your cheek triggered the erratic beating of your heart.

you reassured yourself, attributing the sudden rush to the invested nature of your role. easy now, easy, you thought, repeating the mantra in your mind. it was only natural for your heart to race in this moment due to the intimacy required by the character you were portraying — that’s all.

as he leaned even closer, your instinct to push him away resurfaced once more. yet, you resisted the urge, your hands tightly grasping the edge of the table instead.

sicheng's eyes roamed over your lips, and you caught yourself replicating the action unknowingly. those plump lips of his were undeniably inviting, and it was challenging to deny the magnetic attraction you felt.

his lips caressed yours gently and softly, their subtle touch sending a shiver down your spine. the script called for a quick, chaste kiss, and that's precisely what you received as his lips pressed against yours. it was a brief moment, but it was enough to make your legs tremble in response.

ok, first part done. now comes the rest.

with a swift, fluid motion, sicheng leaned in for a second kiss, his hands cupping your face as his thumb subtly guided your chin downwards. you felt your lips part instinctively, granting him access to explore the depths of your mouth with his warm, skilled tongue.

you know, there's no such thing as a "technical kiss" in acting.

you either kiss, or you kiss.

it has to be real.

that's why you were so reluctant before because, right now, only god knows how much you are enjoying this. and no matter how much you triy to deny it, the way your tongue move against his is proof enough.

you found your hands reaching out to grasp his shirt, pulling him closer as you responded to the kiss with a new sense of eagerness.

sicheng was surprised. this wasn't in the script at all. now it seemed like you were just... making out.

not that he's complaining. he likes it.

he very, very much likes it.

as if they had a life of their own, his hands found the hem of your shirt, playing with the cloth for a few moments before sliding them under your clothes. his fingers came into contact with your skin, caressing it gently and making you shiver slightly.

and then, walking a little further, his hand trailed down to the waistband of your pants, sneaking into your panties. the gasp that escaped your lips served as a jolt to your consciousness. quickly, you broke the kiss and grasped his wrist, preventing any further advancements from him.

you locked eyes with sicheng, both of you panting. his hooded eyes, slightly flushed face, and his swollen, reddened lips were a sight to behold.

sicheng's voice, soft and low, echoed softly, asking, "what?" just as he leaned in for another kiss. you almost, almost gave in, your lips yearning to meet his, but you fought the urge, tilting your head back to avoid it.

you pushed him away quickly, fixing your slightly disheveled clothing while attempting to regain composure. your voice trembled a little as you speak.

"i think we did pretty good already. it's getting late too." you hastily handed him the studio keys before adding, "um, thank you for the practice. you can close up. see you tomorrow!" with those words, you hurriedly made your way towards the exit.

things happened so fast that sicheng barely seemed to process what was going on.

"hold on, wait!" his voice rushed after you, trying to catch up. "calm down," he called out, his words coming out quickly. "you didn't come by car today, did you? let me drive you home, i just need to—”

"no! it's fine,” you shook your head adamantly, cutting him off. "i can catch a taxi. thanks anyway.”

and just like that, you left, running away like a cat while closing the door in sicheng's face. the man let his shoulders fall and sighed loudly as he looked at the closed door in front of him, a small smile appearing on his face.

“cute”.

you haven't slept a wink all night.

the scene from the previous night replaying in your mind along with haenul's damned words like a broken record.

no. you do not want to fuck dong sicheng.

this is what you've been repeating in your mind since the moment you got up from your bed until the entire drive to the studio.

he's a bad kisser.

he's terrible.

that was the worst kiss you've ever had.

learning how to kiss with an orange would be better than this.

that's what you repeated in your mind as he kissed you again, but this time in front of the cameras. and you still had to tell yourself that it was your character who was enjoying it, not you. you definitely don't want to take him to a secluded place and make out until your mouth are sore. no.

"and... cut!" the director's voice rang out, followed by a chorus of applause. everyone on set was thrilled with how effortlessly the scene had come together, a stark contrast to the tension-filled atmosphere that had enveloped it lately. the air was charged with positivity, making it clear that this was the best mood the set had experienced since the project's inception.

despite the apparent positive change in the atmosphere, it was clear that there was something... different going on, for lack of a better word, between you and sicheng.

suddenly, you weren't bickering anymore and were even being uncharacteristically polite, thanking and apologizing for the smallest minor matters, which wasn't like your usual self at all.

everyone noticed this, but decided to just accept it as a positive development in the co-workers' feelings between you. at least, it was better than all that tension from before.

as haenul handed you a bottle of water, her words echoed with admiration. "wow," she exclaimed, "that was like, the best kiss scene i’ve ever seen in my entire life.”

“oh, really?” you laughed a little awkwardly, your eyes briefly darted towards sicheng, who stood on the opposite side of the room. as your gaze met his, you hastily averted your eyes, taking a sip of water.

"of course! this episode will be an absolute banger; everyone has been waiting for this!" she nodded fiercely and continued. "i've been checking the social media, and..." her words were met with your inattentiveness, as if your mind was preoccupied elsewhere. "and you're not listening to me!" she furrowed.

"oh, sorry about that," you shook your head, snapping back to attention. "i got distracted for a moment. you were saying…?”

haenul's eyes narrowed as she scrutinized you momentarily, following your gaze to where sicheng stood on the other side of the room.

"did you and sicheng finally hook up last night?"

you nearly choked on your water, coughing as you fumbled with the bottle in your hand. your assistant quickly patted your back, trying to help you recover.

once you were fine again, you glanced around nervously to check if anyone had overheard, then turned back to haenul with a sharp glare.

“can you stop blurting stuff like that?!” you hissed at her.

haenul gasped dramatically. “oh my god! you totally did it!”

“i did not!” you snapped, lightly smacking her arm.

“but something happened between you two!” she insisted, her voice dropping to a whisper, just loud enough for you to hear after the scolding. “you’re acting all weird around him. if it wasn’t sex, then what was it?”

“is that seriously the only reason you can think of?” you replied, your tone edged with disbelief. “when did you turn into such a pervert?”

“i mean, you were obviously kissing for real earlier, and now we’re finishing the day without your usual sulking. after spending the night alone with him, what else am i supposed to think?”

you frowned at her explanation. “well, maybe that we’ve become, i don’t know… friends?” haneul looked at you as if you’d just told her the funniest joke she’d ever heard. “pff. yeah, right. friends. sure,” she said, shaking her head.

before you could even attempt to explain that she was partially wrong, everyone’s attention shifted to the director as she clapped her hands to speak.

“since we’ve successfully wrapped up the first part of our series — thanks to everyone here in the studio who made it happen, especially our two stars,” she gestured toward you and sicheng, “doesn’t this call for a celebration? drinks on me for everyone!”

her words were met with cheers from the crew, and even you felt a sense of relief. a good dose of alcohol might help clear your mind, especially since you knew sicheng wasn’t exactly a fan of these kinds of social gatherings.

“we’re going, right, boss?” haneul asked, clasping her hands together in mock prayer. “please, please, it’s the weekend!”

“yes, haneul, we are,” you said, rolling your eyes with a chuckle. “but don’t overdo it, okay? i’m not in the mood to hear you sobbing your heart out while singing sad songs on karaoke again.”

“yes, boss! I’ll treat it like a work meeting,” she replied with a playful salute. “i’ll grab your things so we can head out!” she added enthusiastically before dashing out of sight.

you took a deep breath, relishing the brief moment of solitude. sometimes, it felt hard to breathe with haneul’s constant energy. she could be... intense. but the peace didn’t last long.

“i didn’t know you drink,” sicheng’s voice came from behind, making you turn to face him. “you used to hate the taste of alcohol.”

honestly, you were tired of seeing his face and hearing his voice more than usual. you didn’t like the way it made you feel, not after what happened. it was as if you were suddenly too aware of the strange, tangled emotions brewing inside you.

“well, a lot has changed since our younger days,” you shrugged, your voice casual. you didn’t feel like diving into it any further. “now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to socialize,” you said, turning on your heels, eager to escape the uncomfortable moment.

“i agree. let’s not keep them waiting,” he replied, his footsteps closing in behind you. you froze in your tracks, his sudden presence unsettling.

“you’re coming too?” you asked, confused.

“of course,” he said with a soft chuckle. “you heard the director, can't have the stars missing out."

“but… you don’t like social events,” you said, your tone almost questioning, as if you were trying to figure him out.

“well,” he said with a small smile, “a lot has changed since our younger days.”

it was awful.

you had been hoping for some space from sicheng, but it seemed like life had other plans. you tried to find a seat as far away from him as possible, but he followed, completely at ease, as if he had no intention of leaving your side. and of course, the table quickly filled up, leaving you both sitting side by side, while you anxiously awaited the drinks.

the mood at the table was light, everyone chatting away. haneul took a seat on the other side, eager to be closer to the staff she was interested in, which meant you wouldn’t be on her radar for a while.

you turned your attention to sicheng as he exchanged a few words with the director, and suddenly, it hit you: why were you freaking out about him? it was just a kiss. a brief, heated moment between two adults that didn’t mean a thing. there was no reason for you to keep acting so weird about it all day. after all, he was still sicheng, your rival. you just happened to kiss him.

sure, a few other things almost happened, too, but... it didn’t mean anything. you were just practicing, after all. yeah. you weren’t affected by it. not even a little. mhm.

you couldn’t help but smile to yourself as you made these sharp observations, feeling a bit more at ease.

“why are you looking at me like that?” sicheng raised an eyebrow, noticing the way you were smiling at him, as if you were staring at someone who’d just failed a basic math test.

“nothing, it’s just too much for your mind to handle,” you waved your hand dismissively, taking a sip of your drink that had just arrived. your words, along with the casual shrug, made him smile and shake his head.

“oh, i’m actually curious about something,” one of the co-actors began, snapping his fingers at you and the man beside you. “do you two really know each other from high school?"

sicheng’s face lit up at the question, clearly happy. then he looked at you, who wasn’t exactly sharing his enthusiasm, and his smile grew even wider. “yes! yes, we do. we were inseparable back then.”

you furrowed your brows at his words. “you mean you followed me around.”

“isn’t that basically the same thing?”

“it’s not."

“anyways,” he shrugged, “it was because of her that I started to get into theater.”

“and i’ve been regretting that ever since,” you added with a smirk.

a few giggles spread through the table at your playful banter, the lighthearted atmosphere catching everyone off guard. it was clear they were starting to see you both in a new light.

“so, all this time you were actually friends? and here we thought you didn’t get along when it’s just your way of showing friendship,” one colleague commented, raising a curious eyebrow.

“no, that’s not—”

“right? that explains why they have such great chemistry!” another colleague cut you off. “i mean, the kiss scene? that must’ve been awkward with a friend, but it probably makes it easier too, doesn’t it?”

“oh, it’s not that,” sicheng began. “it’s because last night we—”

a loud thud echoed as sicheng’s knee slammed into the table, his words cut off mid-sentence. he turned to you, confused, after you had stomped on his foot under the table.

“oops, how clumsy of me,” you said with a saccharine smile, your voice light but your eyes burning into his. “sorry about that.”

he blinked, clearly perplexed, but nodded slowly and turned back to the group. “anyway, as i was saying, we had a—”

this time, you pressed your heel down on his foot with deliberate force. he hissed in pain, snapping his head back toward you. but you didn’t even flinch, your gaze fixed ahead as if you were entirely innocent.

he narrowed his eyes slightly, then leaned closer, sliding a hand onto your thigh. His grip was firm, not enough to hurt, but enough to stop you from trying anything else. the sudden contact made you tense, and your head snapped toward him, your wide, confused eyes locking with his.

“we just had a little talk and came to an agreement,” he said smoothly, his voice calm and convincing.

“oh, that makes sense,” one of your colleagues hummed, nodding as if it all clicked. “that’s why everything worked out so well in the end. you should have done it since the beginning tho!”

sicheng’s words were deliberate, as if he’d sensed your discomfort from the start and had chosen his lie to protect the fragile truth you wanted to hide. but you couldn’t even focus on what he was saying anymore.

your mind was too preoccupied with his hand placement. his thumb was now tracing slow, deliberate circles on your thigh, hidden under the table. your stomach tightened at the warmth spreading through you, that annoying, fluttery feeling you wished you could suppress.

without a word, you picked up your drink and took a long, steady sip, as if the alcohol could somehow cool the heat in your chest.

god, this was going to be a long night.

oh, you were right.

after managing to wrangle sicheng into the passenger seat of your car, you slammed the door shut and made your way to the driver’s side.

sliding into your seat, you shot him an annoyed look, letting out a long, exasperated sigh.

driving a drunk sicheng home was definitely not part of your plans for the night. but somehow, the crew had unanimously decided to throw him at you because, apparently, the two of you were now best friends. all because you shared some ancient history, and probably because he’d grown unusually clingy after a few too many drinks.

you tried to refuse, insisted that you didn’t want to be responsible for him, but they’d waved you off with the ultimate argument: you were the only one who knew his address.

fantastic.

“you stupid idiot,” you hissed, leaning over to fasten his seatbelt. “if you can’t handle alcohol, why did you even come?”

his eyes, half-closed and heavy with sleep, fluttered open as he turned his head toward you. “because you were coming too,” he slurred, his voice barely above a whisper. “i wanted to be with you.”

you froze, his words catching you completely off guard. your surprised gaze met his drunken one, and you hated how fast your heart was racing. this was absurd.

a small, lazy smile tugged at his lips as he murmured your name, so soft it almost sounded tender.

“you’re so pretty,” he mumbled, his head lolling slightly as he leaned closer. “i want to kiss you.”

to say you were malfunctioning from all this sudden talk was an understatement. the way he said it — soft, unguarded — made it far too tempting to close the small gap between you. for a split second, you almost gave in again. almost.

but with a sharp shake of your head, you snapped yourself out of it. instead of letting your lips meet his, you shoved your hand against his mouth and pushed him back firmly.

“as if i’d do something like that,” you scoffed, leaning back into your seat and starting the car.

from the corner of your eye, you caught the way he pouted, looking like a sulky child.

“you’re always so mean to me,” he mumbled, his voice muffled but unmistakably petulant.

“it’s your fault for being like that,” you shot back, your eyes fixed firmly on the road ahead. “now shut up. i can’t focus on driving with your annoying voice in my head.”

“yes, ma’am,” he murmured softly, his tone almost obedient. he didn’t even try to argue, instead leaning back against the seat and drifting off to sleep. the car fell into silence, broken only by the steady rhythm of his breathing and the erratic pounding of your heart.

“god, i must be crazy,” you muttered under your breath, gripping the steering wheel tighter as if it could steady your own thoughts.

the peaceful silence during the drive to his house was doing wonders to calm your racing thoughts and your heart. you kept repeating to yourself that he was just drunk, that his words didn’t mean anything. even you, who hadn’t had much to drink, were clearly feeling the effects of the alcohol.

that was the only explanation you could cling to, the only thing that brought you any comfort in the moment.

a relieved sigh escaped your lips as you parked in front of his apartment. the street was quiet, the dim glow of the streetlights casting soft shadows over the building. turning to him, you called out in a firm, loud voice.

“we’re here. wake up.”

no reaction. not even a flinch.

“sicheng,” you tried again, leaning over to tap his shoulder. still nothing.

“come on,” you grumbled, grabbing his shoulder and giving him a light shake. “wake up!”

absolutely no response.

with a growing sense of irritation, you grabbed both of his shoulders and shook him with all the frustration of someone at the end of their rope. “WAKE UP!”

but it was pointless. he remained blissfully asleep, the alcohol rendering him completely oblivious. you let out a defeated sigh, releasing him as he slumped back into his seat, and pinched the bridge of your nose.

this night just kept getting better.

you couldn’t just leave him passed out on the street — though you seriously considered the idea for a good few seconds. but, in the end, you had no choice but to do something you absolutely didn’t want to do.

“dong sicheng, you better be ready for your death sentence tomorrow,” you muttered through gritted teeth, adjusting his limp body onto your back. he was surprisingly heavy, and you were giving it everything you had to carry him while he, of course, enjoyed the sleep of his life, his soft breaths tickling the back of your neck.

staggering inside the building as quickly as you could, you headed straight for the elevator. you only knew exactly where he lived because, back when you were hunting for a new apartment, you’d toured this building. of course, you’d had the misfortune of running into him that day. sicheng had happily joined your tour, turning it into his personal showcase of his apartment. at least it made it easy to cross this building off your list.

reaching the elevator, you pressed the button, only to stop cold when you noticed the maintenance notice taped to the door.

“you’ve got to be kidding me,” you groaned, staring at the sign like it might change its mind.

sicheng lived on the 11th floor.

this was going to be a nightmare.

to sum up the nigh, believe it or not, you actually climbed the stairs to the 11th floor with sicheng slumped over your back. every step felt like a herculean effort, but you kept telling yourself this was the fastest way to be rid of him.

when you finally reached his door, breathless and drenched in sweat, life decided to have one last laugh at your expense. a keypad lock blinked back at you mockingly.

you stared at it, utterly defeated.

after a moment of recovery, you tried every password you could think of: his birthday, his acting debut date, his mom’s birthday, even your birthday. nothing worked. each failed attempt pushed you closer to a breakdown.

which is how you ended up here: sicheng sprawled out comfortably on your bed, snoring softly, while you stood there, glaring at him with the fury of someone who had well and truly hit their limit.

getting mad wouldn’t do you any good right now. it wasn’t like you could argue with someone who was completely knocked out. all you could do was accept the situation and leave it for the morning, when he’d hopefully be conscious enough to face the consequences.

taking a deep, calming breath, you laid down beside him. there was no way you were sleeping on the couch. too uncomfortable. and besides, the only reason he was in your bed to begin with was because the living room felt like it was miles away, and you absolutely refused to carry him any farther than you already had.

so here you were, stuck sharing a bed with dong sicheng.

“unbelievable,” you muttered, turning your back to him as if that would help you ignore the fact that he was there at all.

but it didn't take long for you to turn to look him, letting your eyes linger on his sleeping face. his chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm, and his hair fell messily across his forehead, brushing against his soft features. you had to admit, he was ridiculously handsome. there was a princely air about him, something in the elegance of his delicate features that always seemed to catch your attention no matter how hard you tried to look away.

your gaze wandered, tracing the curve of his nose, the sharp line of his jaw, the faint lashes resting against his cheek. and then your eyes stopped on his lips, plump, rosy, and slightly parted.

you swallowed hard.

okay. maybe you wanted to kiss him again.

and maybe, just maybe, you could finally admit that the kiss had affected you far more than you’d been willing to let yourself believe.

your gaze drifted lower, trailing down the curve of his neck. the first few buttons of his crisp white shirt were undone, teasing you with a glimpse of his collarbone and the faint rise and fall of his chest. your eyes wandered further, catching on his hands, broad and elegant, resting lazily by his side.

your brows furrowed slightly as your mind betrayed you, flashing back to the feeling of those hands on your skin.

okay. maybe you wanted to fuck him too.

you quickly looked away, dragging a hand over your face before resting your arm across your eyes, as if that would block out the whirlwind of thoughts spiraling in your mind.

“god,” you muttered under your breath, “i must really be losing it.”

the shrill sound of your phone alarm jolted you awake, your face twisting in irritation as you blindly slapped around the bed. after a few failed attempts, your hand finally found the device buried under your pillow, and you silenced it with a hiss.

groaning, you kept your eyes shut and your head buried in the mattress, hoping to reclaim the comfort of sleep, but it was useless. letting out a defeated sigh, you blinked your eyes open and... froze.

the bed was empty.

you shot upright, the sudden absence snapping you fully awake. your eyes darted around the room, searching for any sign of life. nothing. quickly, you got up and began pacing through your house.

sicheng was gone.

“you stupid bastard,” you hissed, gritting your teeth as a wave of disbelief hit you. “i even carried his dead weight all night for him to leave without so much as a thank you?!” your fists clenched as you let out an incredulous scoff. “dong sicheng, you are so damned.”

a small, frustrated scream left your lips as you stomped toward the bathroom. a nice, scalding shower, it was the only thing that could save both your sanity and sicheng's life at this point.

but, contrary to what you imagined, the bath only cleared your mind enough to make you even more irritated with the situation. it was an affront, an insult! you were going to make sicheng pay for this humiliation! a great outrage! you could already see your hands wrapped around his neck and—

a knock on the door cut through your murderous thoughts. taking a deep breath, you walked over to open it, only for your eyes to widen at the sight of the man you’d been cursing standing there with that infuriating smile.

freshly dressed and looking nothing like the disaster he’d been before, sicheng radiated ease. but you couldn’t care less about his annoyingly perfect face right now.

“i’m gonna kill you with my own two hands, so get ready,” you growled, stalking closer with your fingers curled as if ready to strangle him.

“hey, hey, calm down,” he said, laughing softly as he caught your wrists in his hands, his touch warm and steady. his smile grew wider, completely unfazed by your murderous intent.

"are you seriously asking me to calm down?" you snapped, attempting to push forward again, but he held your wrists tighter, his grip firm yet gentle.

"i know you're mad," he said softly, leaning down to press a kiss to your wrist. the warmth of his lips brushing your skin sent a jolt through you, your resolve faltering. disoriented, you found yourself staring at him, momentarily forgetting why you were even angry. "and i'm here to apologize, of course," he added, his tone dripping with sincerity, though that playful glint in his eyes made you suspicious.

"i climbed up and down eleven floors with you on my back," you managed to say, your voice carrying a hint of annoyance despite your disoriented state. his surprised expression told you everything: he didn’t remember half of what happened last night. "an 'i'm sorry' isn't enough to save your ass."

"i know," he nodded, resisting the urge to ask for a full recap. "which is why i already reserved a table for us at your favorite restaurant."

"what?" you blinked, confused. "how do you even know what my favorite restaurant is?"

"because i’m interested in you," he said, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "any other reason would just be an excuse, don’t you think?"

your jaw nearly dropped. this was exactly what you liked and hated about him: he was always unapologetically sincere.

you stood there, at a loss for words, unsure of how to respond. but he, of course, didn't miss a beat and took your silence as an answer.

“then it’s settled!” he said with that all-too-confident smile. “let’s go.”

and once again, your silly heart betrayed you, too caught up in the moment to resist.

the place was near your house. it wasn’t anything extravagant, but it had its own charm. cozy, inviting, warm, it felt almost like a safe haven for you. a perfect find for your new place, tucked away from prying eyes.

“and that’s everything you put me through,” you finished recounting the events of last night to him, carefully omitting a few details, like the part where he said he wanted to kiss you or when you accidentally knocked his head on the door frame while trying to get him into your bedroom.

sicheng’s face turned a deep shade of red as he fanned himself with one hand, the other clutching his glass of water. he avoided your gaze for a moment, clearly embarrassed, before stealing a quick sip.

he only remembered bits and pieces of last night, but from what you described, it was worse than he had imagined. guilt settled heavily on his shoulders as he listened.

“i’m really so sorry,” he said, his voice soft and genuine, his wide, puppy-like eyes locking onto yours. “i’m not usually like this. i overdid it yesterday, and i caused you so much trouble. i’m sorry.”

you finished your meal, casually listening to his concerned words. honestly, seeing that guilty, almost childlike expression on his face was oddly satisfying. if you were being fair, dealing with him drunk wasn’t that bad, he was mostly well-behaved. but it was part of your nature to make a big deal out of things, especially when it came to him. besides, a free lunch at your favorite spot had done wonders to smooth over your irritation.

“you’re lucky i’m a very nice person,” you said, shrugging with a mock air of superiority. “i’ll accept all that and forgive you… this time.”

his shoulders relaxed, the tension visibly draining from his body. since the moment he woke up and found you sleeping soundly against his chest, he knew he had messed up. the guilt had weighed heavily on him, and he’d spent the entire morning running through a million different ways to make it up to you. seeing you willing to forgive him so easily was a relief he hadn’t expected.

“thank you,” he said softly, his gaze warm and sincere. “i promise i’ll be more careful next time.”

you raised an eyebrow, your tone teasing. “next time? you think there’s gonna be a next time?”

he laughed nervously, scratching the back of his neck. “okay, bad choice of words.”

you chuckled at his words, resting your chin on your palm as you leaned closer, a curious glint in your eyes.

“by the way,” you began casually, “you said a couple of funny things last night too.”

“hmm, really?” he raised his brows slightly, feigning ignorance while signaling the waiter for a dessert. “like what?”

“like going to the meeting just because i was going,” you replied, narrowing your eyes slightly, testing if his drunk words held any truth.

“oh, yeah,” he nodded nonchalantly, turning his attention back to you. “i heard you mention it, so i thought it’d be fun to tag along.”

“saying you're interested in me all of a sudden, still following me around like a lost puppy…” you trailed off, lips curling into a faint smirk. “do you have a crush on me or something?”

“what do you think?” he shot back, mimicking your posture as he leaned in, resting his chin on his palm, a teasing smile playing on his lips.

“you know it’s stupid to answer a question with another question, right?” you gave him a bored look, but your tone was far from serious. “but if you do like me, i can only assume you’re a masochist.”

his laughter bubbled up before he could stop it, bright and genuine “what? i’m not a masochist! where is that coming from?”

“well, I’m not exactly nice to you,” you shrugged, feigning indifference. “like, I kinda hate you, in case you haven’t noticed.”

“you do not hate me.”

“yes, i do?”

“no, you don’t.”

“yes, i do.”

“do you kiss everyone you hate?”

your smugness evaporated in an instant, replaced by embarrassment. “shut up,” you muttered, leaning back in your chair, refusing to meet his eyes as he grinned victoriously.

“now that this came up,” he tilted his head, studying you intently, “we never really talked about that, did we? you’ve been avoiding it all day, then i had that little… drunken incident, and we just never addressed it.”

“well, that’s because there’s nothing to talk about,” you shrugged, doing your best to sound casual and unaffected, even as your grip tightened slightly on your glass.

“hmm, is that so?” he clicked his tongue, a mischievous glint in his eyes as his tone turned teasing. “going through all that trouble to get me home safe, kissing me, sleeping all cuddled up on me… you know, i’m starting to think you’re the one who likes me.”

your head snapped toward him, eyes wide. “excuse me?”

“oh, don’t look so shocked,” he chuckled, leaning forward slightly, resting his chin on his hand again. “i mean, actions speak louder than words, don’t they? and your actions…” he trailed off, letting the implication hang in the air as his grin widened.

“first of all, and most importantly, i did not sleep cuddling you,” you said, your tone sharp as if he’d just told you the worst joke of the century.

“oh? but you did,” he replied smoothly, nodding with absolute confidence. “when i woke up, you were hugging me like i was your favorite teddy bear or something.”

“i would never—”

“oh, our dessert, finally!” he interrupted, his face lighting up as the waiter placed the sweet tart on the table. “it looks delicious,” he added, completely shifting gears, as if your denial wasn’t the least bit convincing.

“are you seriously gonna end things like that?” you asked, disbelief heavy in your voice.

“here, say ‘aah,’” he said, raising a spoonful of pie toward your mouth like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“i'm not doing it.”

“say aah.”

“i said i'm not.”

he didn’t budge, just kept looking at you with that infuriatingly cute and bright smile that you couldn’t seem to resist. with an exasperated sigh, you crossed your arms and rolled your eyes, turning your head away. but, of course, you leaned in slightly, opening your mouth just enough for him to slide the spoon past your lips.

your frown quickly softened into an expression of pure delight as the flavors burst on your tongue. the bittersweet tang of the strawberry, the velvety richness of the custard, and the flaky crust of the tart all mingled perfectly. you couldn’t help but sigh and hum in satisfaction. it was that good.

“now that’s a great reaction,” sicheng said, amusement dancing in his voice.

you raised a brow at him, narrowing your eyes slightly.

“besides the faces you make when you’re acting, this has to be one of the most charming expressions i’ve ever seen you make. and those little sounds you’re making? delightful,” he added with a teasing grin.

you nearly choked. “what is wrong with you?”

“i’m just being honest,” he chuckled, clearly enjoying your reaction. “i want to see it again,” he said, holding out the spoon toward you. “open your mouth for me.”

“…no.”

“oh, really?” he raised an eyebrow, his grin widening. “do you really not want to?”

you couldn’t help but think that maybe you were the one with something wrong, because before you even realized it, you silently opened your mouth again, earning a satisfied smirk from him.

“hmm, so greedy.”

“by the way,” you glanced at him, who was walking beside you as you both made your way to your place. “why did you go home so early?”

“why? were you upset that my face wasn’t the first thing you saw in the morning?”

“forget i ever asked anything and just die for all i care.”

sicheng laughed at your annoyed expression. “it’s nothing much,” he shrugged. “i just couldn’t take you on a date smelling like alcohol, right? i wanted to apologize in nice clothes, at least.”

“this was not a date,” you said quickly, hoping to shut him down.

“yes, it was.”

“don’t even start,” you lifted a hand to stop him from going any further, making him laugh once again.

“here we are, safe and sound,” he said as you both stopped in front of your door.

you cursed yourself when you suddenly felt a pang of disappointment at the thought of the moment with him coming to an end. you wouldn’t mind spending a little more time with him, to be honest…

“finally, this infernal time beside you is over,” your words were at odds with your feelings as you looked at him.

“whatever you say, sweetie,” he responded with a fond smile.

it should be illegal for someone to look at you like that, your chest tightening at the soft, affectionate smile he gave you. you hated it. hated how his gaze made everything inside you stir, how it made your heart skip a beat against your will. you wanted to be angry, to push him away, but all you could do was stand there, feeling something you didn’t want to feel.

“you’ll burn a hole into me if you keep staring like that,” he teased, tilting his chin slightly as if silently telling you to come inside, and only then would he head home.

you couldn’t quite understand what had gotten into you when you cupped his face and pulled him in for a kiss. you just wanted to feel his lips again, even if just for a moment, just one more time, that would be enough.

sicheng was caught off guard, but didn’t pull away, letting you lead. you froze, eyes wide, your gaze meeting his.

“i-i’m sorry,” you muttered, suddenly feeling foolish. why had you kissed him just like that?

as you tried to step back, his hands locked around you, holding you steady. he gripped your waist, his eyes burning with desire.

“if you cling to me like this, all i can do is kiss you,” his voice was low, soft. “and that’s fine… if all you want is kisses,” he gave you a meaningful look.

if only kisses were enough to throw your mind and body into disarray… maybe you were greedy, as he’d said, but you weren’t satisfied.

“i want more…” you whispered, barely audible.

that was all he needed to hear before pulling you into another kiss, his tongue urgently invading your mouth as you responded with equal intensity.

you fumbled with the door handle, trying to opem it, while sicheng pushed you inside, never breaking the kiss. he closed the door behind you, his hands guiding you toward your room without hesitation, already knowing the way.

you both nearly stumbled as you hurriedly kicked off your shoes, chuckling against each other's lips. With a quick movement, sicheng laid you down on your bed, his lips trailing kisses from your jaw down to your collarbone. his hands slipped under your shirt, gently caressing your skin.

"i can't believe we're doing this," you murmured, a soft whimper escaping you.

“i told you," he mumbled back, his lips sucking lightly on your skin, peppering the area with soft kisses to soothe you. “you like me.”

well, it's not like you're in any position to argue right now.

he wasted no time in pulling your shirt over your head, exposing your bare torso. “fuck, you're so hot,” he hissed, sucking on his bottom lip as he couldn't help but admire the sight of your hardened nipples, feeling his cock twitch inside his pants.

“stop staring and do something,” your needy voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he was quick to obey your words.

sicheng leaned down to wrap his lips around your breast, his warm, wet tongue swirling around your nipples and sucking hard. your toes curled at the sensation and you moaned softly as you closed your eyes, your fingers tangling in his hair.

as he continued his ministrations on your breasts, his hands found the waistband of your pants. you lifted your hips a little to help him pull them down along your lacy panties, kicking them to somewhere else.

you opened your eyes to look at him, feeling even wetter as you watched him sucking on your tits like he was having a feast. you held his face and made him release your breast, a soft 'pop' sound was heard as he pulled away, looking at you with half lidded eyes.

you shiver slightly as you feel the cool breeze hit your wet breasts, already missing the feeling of his warm tongue on you, but you really wanted to kiss him even more and that's exactly what you did as you pulled him up to attack his lips.

“you taste so good,” he groaned into your mouth, his hand caressing your inner thigh and squeezing it lightly to emphasize his words. his fingers moved up to find yoyr dripping pussy, sliding along your slit and coating his fingers with your juices. “so wet already, you were really waiting for this, huh?” he buried his face in your neck, smoothing your skin with kisses.

it was too embarrassing to admit it and it wasn't like you needed to since your body had been betraying you enough for quite some time now, so all you could do was move your hips down, trying to get his fingers inside you.

“oh, eager, aren’t we?” he teased, lifting his head to meet your gaze, his smirk growing as he noticed the way you bit your lip, your brows furrowed, and your breath coming in short, uneven gasps.

“please, don’t start teasing now,” you murmured, your voice soft but edged with a hint of urgency. you held back from saying anything too daring, not wanting to give him more fuel to prolong his playful torment.

he only chuckled softly, pressing a warm kiss to your cheek before capturing your lips again. this time, he didn’t hold back, finally giving you what you wanted.

a sharp intake of breath escaped your lips as he slid two fingers inside you, thrusting them steadily. he could feel your tight, warm heat clasping around his digits, letting him even more anxious to bury his cock deep inside you.

he began to rub soft circles on your clit with his thumb as he took your breast into his mouth again, the combined actions making you squirm beneath him and moan louder.

he curled and scissored his fingers inside you, soon feeling the way you clenched around them. "close already?" he asked as he raised his eyebrows, and your response was just a fierce nod followed by soft whimpers.

your confirmation made him withdraw his fingers and you whined almost in despair, feeling empty and unsatisfied as he wouldn't let you finish.

"calm down, princess," he lightly slapped your thigh. "i want you to cum on my cock, hm?" he kissed the tip of your nose as he finally got rid of his own clothes and quickly positioned himself between your legs. he collected some of your fluids to spread along his shaft, hard as a rock, twitching with need. "i'm gonna fill this pussy up so good,” he was as impatient as you, so he only teased your entrace with his tip and entered you slowly, grinding against your sensitive clit.

your hands gripped the sheets tightly as you felt him stretching you, filling up any remaining space in your pussy, while he groaned and closed his eyes, enjoying the way your pussy gripped him tightly as if it never wanted to let him go.

"god, you feel so good," he began to thrust his hips against your pelvis slowly, he could feel your tight heat enveloping him, pulling him deeper. one of his hands gripped your hip, holding you in place as he fucked you. "that's it, taking me so well," he encouraged, his pace slow and steady, letting you feel every inch of him.

he’s played with you a lot already, so it didn’t take long for you to feel your climax building again, and he seemed to notice it as he picked up the pace, leaning down to bury his face in your neck.

“cum for me, baby,” he bites you gently and pull away from your neck to watch your face, using his fingers to pinch your clit and bring you to the edge. wrapping your legs around his waist, your breath hitched in your throat as you clenched around him, feeling the knot in your stomach unravel as you creamed his cock.

he wasn’t that far behind you, the whole intense moment was enough to bring him to the edge too, he kept pounding into you and pulled out just in time to empty himself, covering your stomach with his release.

you looked so hot like that that he had to hold back the urge to bury himself inside you again immediately. he let a bit more of his weight press against you, his lips finding yours once more in a lingering kiss.

"okay," you murmured against his lips, slightly breathless, making him chuckle softly. "maybe I like you... just a little bit now."

"just a little?" he teased, nibbling your lower lip with a playful smirk. "didn't seem like 'just a little' to me."

you tilted your head, a mischievous glint in your eyes. "i think we need to try it all over again so i can decide for sure.”

[violetasteracademic]

The bonus chapter that ended Nessian

This is honestly really surprising to me. Apparently there are people out there that think Nesta and Cassian are going to end up together. Have they not read their bonus chapter? SJM effectively ended them.

First of all, the way they think about each other is not romantic at all:

Cassian has no idea where he stands with her, and as you can see, he is so unhealthily obsessed with Nesta that he can't stop thinking about her and literally rushed to interact with her even though she doesn't even like him and is mean to him! If Sarah wanted this be be romantic, she could have made totally different choices. We could have learned they shared secret touches or looks, have their fingers trembling or breath catching around each other. But no, just confusion and unhealthy obsession on Cassian's part. Honestly, he kinda seems like an incel here.

Worse than that, it's clear he obviously only lusts after her:

He literally has not said one thing about her personality! He's just weirdly obsessed with her boobs and her scent and is just thinking about her stroking him. If we were supposed to have gleaned he has real feelings for her, and not just lust, couldn't Sarah have added something more sweet and personal here? I don't know. Maybe he could have brought her a thoughtful present that shows how much he sees and understands her when no one else does. But no. He just wants to get laid and touch her boobs. Honestly, ugh.

And let's not even get started about the Mor thing!

Cassian slept with Mor because he was jealous of Azriel! And if you recall, in ACOMAF Morrigan said Cassian just wants what he can't have and it has driven Cassian crazy for centuries that Mor never wanted him again after they slept together once. Rhys confirms this too.

Nesta clearly is not interested in Cassian. In fact, she knees him in the balls right after this. Honestly? This actually seems like a really toxic perpetuation of the Mor situation. Cassian yet again wants what he can't have, and it is actually in the canon text that he has this problem. Also, notice that he's ashamed of this situation and embarrassed to tell Mor about it? That's not a very good setup for a romance. He should have the full support of his friends and family in order for Nessian to work.

He calls himself stupid, he knows it's wrong, he just doesn't care for a moment because of the lust. Again, Nesta knees him in the balls. Not interested. Take a hint you creepy incel! And even though he was fully planning on devouring her lips, he is clearly not anymore!

But here's the real nail in the coffin:

Nesta forbids him from coming back. She threatens that she'll scream if he does and she is only willing to work with and talk to anyone but him. How is he supposed to get around that? How is their relationship supposed to develop if he is forbidden from talking to her and seeing her? I just don't understand how this is supposed to resolve in the books. At least hundreds, if not a few thousand of the tens or hundreds of thousands of SJM readers have read this bonus chapter. There's no way to come back from this.

Also- did you notice in ACOFAS Nessian's same drama is still playing out, but SJM interestingly enough introduces a character named Emerie and they have a scene together? Seems like SJM is clearly telling us Nessian isn't happening and setting up a new love interest for Cassian. Based on their limited interactions, it's actually really obvious to me that they are a much better fit and there is already a ton of foreshadowing that they are endgame. In fact, I think they are mates!

I swear this has nothing to do with the fact that I dislike Nesta. I mean, do I dislike her, and do I think Cassian deserves better? Yeah. But that's not relevant here. What's relevant is text and foreshadowing and the fact that I don't like Nesta and think Cassian deserves better because I've self inserted myself into Sarah's writing and want her to do what I want and I don't want Archeron sisters I don't like winding up with a bat boy I love.

Wait no... Ignore that second part I didn't mean to type that out.

[the-writing-writer]

I recently read your Karma x Sister oneshot and got to say it was amusing. So I would like to request a more oneshot like it. Reader is friends with Asano and Asano got kind of feelings for Reader but Karma absolutely despairs anyone dating his precious sister especially Asano out of everyone.

Like so it's not really got to be romantic or that was drama but I would like to see interaction between Asano and Karma regarding Reader. It sounds so chaotic and I would love to read that haha!

Also it's okay if you don't want to read, it's fine. Even reading this request was enough<3 Thanks for reading and have a nice day ahead! :D

Thank you so much for the request and the kind words<3

Big Brother…

Pairing: Yandere!Karma x Sister!Reader

Warnings: Yan themes, cursing, violence

During your time in A-Class, you had grown comfortable with Asano, and even became friends with him. He was the perfect gentleman when it came to you. And had even taken to calling you petnames, not putting any meaning behind it.

Or so he thought.

It wasn’t long before Asano realized how much he went out of his way for you and how close he was to you compared to other people in school and even in his life.

And Karma didn’t like that.

Not when another man was trying to get close to his baby sister. His precious girl. His. His his his his his.

And if anyone tries to get between him and his little sister, there’d be hell to pay.

He’s your big brother. Your knight in shining armor. The first guy you’re ever supposed to trust. The only one you’re supposed to trust.

Him. Only him.

Asano can’t have you. Not now. Not ever. He’s a manipulative narcissist who cares only about himself.

What do you mean Karma’s the same way?! No he’s not! He’s your big brother, why on earth would he manipulate you!?

Except he does. You’re such a young, innocent, naive little sister. He has to protect you! Even if that means using unconventional methods to do so.

You don’t need any other man in your life. You shouldn’t even want another man in your life. He’s more than enough.

And big brother will make sure you and Asano know that.

“Whatever you’re thinking about my sister, stop thinking it. She doesn’t need a selfish, manipulative bastard like you in her life.”

Karma had managed to find Asano after an assembly, making sure you had gone with Karasuma before he approached his rival.

“You think I’m going to stay away from her just because you say so? I’m not one of those cowards you can push around in the lower classes. And you’re going to talk about how she doesn’t need a manipulative bastard in her life? Then you stay away from her, Akabane.”

Asano’s words had struck a nerve. And in an instant, Karma’s fist was clenched and moving towards the others face.

“Big brother! What’re you doing!?”

Your voice had brought him back to reality, quickly lowering his fist and turning to face you with a smile. “My little Angel! What’re you doing here! I thought you went ahead with Mr. Karasuma?”

“I did, but then I realized you weren’t with us! I got worried and came looking for you! What’re you doing to Asano!” Your face turned downward in nervousness, unclear of what was happening between the two boys.

“Nothing, Sweet Girl. We’re just having a little chat. Isn’t that right, Akabane?” Asano taunted, knowing that Karma wouldn’t do anything dirty in front of you.

Taking a few steps towards you, Karma grabbed your hand and began dragging you away from Asano, a hard glare on his face. “Right. You see, little sis? Nothings wrong. Now come on, let’s get you back to class.”

“Back with me where you belong.”

[vladdyissues]

How do you feel about all this Sam x Danny (knowing we literally ship Vlad and Danny), I feel like if Sam finds out about a pompous relationship he would try to take Danny off Vlad's hands 😭 (I was thinking about a fanfic of that style, what do you think?)

(About the ship) I'd probably feel a lot more positive about Amethyst Ocean if Sam's character had been written a little better and their relationship wasn't bristling with so many red flags and contrary, counterintuitive moments. Like in S3E09, when Danny dreams of kissing Sam, wakes up screaming, and literally calls it "a nightmare". This is supposed to be the endgame relationship of the entire series? Come on, Butch.

But I don't hate AO. I tolerate it in canon and pretty much ignore it in fandom. Ship and let ship ✌ But when it comes to fanfic, it's all too easy to end up unfairly bashing the "unwanted" character in the love triangle, especially if the author already doesn't like the character.

Character bashing is the expression of hostility towards a character by fans. Bashing occurs in a wide variety of fandom activities and fanworks, such as fanfiction and meta posts, and takes many forms. It may be done by demonizing a character, referring to them with derogatory terms, or making them the subject of deathfics or spitefics. Discussion of character bashing is often the subject of drama, as fans may take personal offense at what they perceive as undeserved bashing. Fanlore, Character Bashing

I wrote a few fics of this nature long ago, and while they might have been mildly funny on the surface, they were really quite boring and out of character. Crackfic, basically. I kind of cringe just thinking about them because they fall under the fandom faux pas of "annoying female character with the canon romantic connection getting in the way of my beloved non-canon m/m ship".

This isn't to say you shouldn't write a fanfic about a shocked or jealous Sam trying to break up Danny and Vlad's relationship, but I think it should be handled with care—at least if you're trying to write Sam realistically or have a story with a semisweet or bittersweet ending. If you want to go the toxic, twisted, dark route—which is quite intriguing, to be honest—all that matters is making sure Sam doesn't turn into a parody or a punching bag. She's got to be believable, human, and at least somewhat true to her character.

Like, we know she loves Danny. (Unless she's planning on getting revenge, she isn't going to intentionally hurt him.) Her heart is broken, possibly her dreams, too. She's worried for him. She doesn't trust that Vlad hasn't brainwashed Danny or is manipulating him somehow. Why didn't Danny even tell her he liked Vlad, or that they had made peace with each other? Was Danny so repulsed by the thought of dating her that Vlad looked like a better option? Does she think she's responsible for Danny realizing he's gay or bi? Oof.

These are some of the questions I'd be asking myself before I even started writing. Of course, you're welcome to ignore me and proceed with your own concepts if you've already decided on how you want to write your fic. Whatever you decide to do, do it with all your spirit!

[4rs0n1stt]

Talk To You //

Hopeless!Romantic!Donnie x Fem!Reader

author's note; kinda like a song fic (it's not) but yeah, super super late though!!  Donnie's POV btw!!

yes it's been a 3 months 😋

Synopsis; Donnie has been keeping an eye on someone, being a hopeless romantic and his ”bad boy image“ isn't particularly helping.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I hate this, I really hate this. Einstein, fucking help me. I wasn't supposed to like her! I wasn't supposed to like anyone!! I do not have any romantic feelings to her. But every single thing that I researched said otherwise. Even my own brother says so!! Why does everytime I look at you I get so— vulnerable? Staring at your face always made me calm. Admiring? Ew. But— those little short eye contacts are indescribably astonishing to feel. Maybe just maybe?

I don't know. You're messing up my mind- you little—

"Gahh, what should I do?" I groaned and slammed my head onto my table, a pencil fell from the said table. I stayed silent, frustrated at this ungodly useless feelings I've been feeling. I couldn't take her off my mind. All day long, I daydream about her which takes most of my productivity a waste. I haven't done anything but think about that little twat.

Reflecting doesn't help at all, all I think was her and her! Thinking about now, I just don't know why you keep being calm even though I've been so mean to you. I shouldn't do anything stupid like that but I can't help it, I'm figuring this out.

Feelings are so complicated to feel and such an unfortunate thing for me to have something people call as “humane“.

"Hey Donnie! Someoneeee~ got pizza!! She has your favourite!" Leo yelled at the other side of my door. Disturbing me from my reminiscing of this said person. Leo always knew about what our relation—rivalryship (even if it's partially one-sided) is. And he uses it as an advantage to tease me, specifically—fucking with me up.

I wouldn't blame him entirely though, I liked and hated this feeling. He doesn't know anyway. I wouldn't blame him aswell, she's really...cool, I guess.

I stopped myself from thinking about her before it gets worse. I fixed myself, not just physically but mentally, it's an eager to make her impress. But she wouldn't be impressed as I have been mean to her.

As I went to the main room, I wasn't particularly sure where they were but as I, the genius, were right. They were all huddled up with each other. Apparently they missed her for being gone for 13 days, 56 minutes and 12 seconds-

Goddamnit it...

"Ughhh, finally!! Some break from that shithole." She complained, I wondered. She picked a sliced pizza on the placed pizza on the ground and sat at the bean bag. She sighed releasing the stress and pain from her back...I suppose.

"Girl. Spill everything."  Leo spoke excitedly like a girl's girl. Everyone gets their preferred pizza and/or pillows, blankets and sat with her. Curious on her new stories about her college.

I was really uninterested about school, but I find myself listening on her rantings about the latest drama, tea and struggles on her daily life of college. I somewhat don't understand her words, I don't care anyway. Her voice has always been nice to hear even if she stuttered sometimes.

But every flaws she had was attractive. It's...unfair. That she's so extraordinary and remarkable human that we happen to stumble upon. I looked at her longingly, eyeing her squinted smile, her pimples, her.

I wish I can talk to you.

To talk to you without any mean remarks towards her, to be able to hear her laugh and compliments towards my acts.

I want to be near her, to feel her presence all of the time. To spend time with her just like my brothers do. How I envy them, surprisingly.

It's so frustrating, it's been years. I've been struggling with my quote unquote "love" or "admiration" towards her. She must be a witch, no one can make me feel like a hopeless pathetic, lovesick dog!

Even if I wanted to confess, I wouldn't have the chance to, I'm way too vulnerable when we're alone. I get so shy and flustered to do it.

Let alone I'm horrible at confronting my feelings, I can even write a damn letter for Einstein's sake!

I just- can't do it now

I'm hopeless.

Yet I desire for you.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

author's note here; yes it's been months, i apologize deeply. literally fucking school is devouring my existence and motivation rn not to mention I have a deadline to finish (cough March 29 cough) and I haven't even started it.

credits to Rick Montgemery for his astonishing songsssssssssss

[transsongtaewon]

On the screen, a man and a woman kissed in the rain, possibly while crying.

Based on Yoohyun's half-hearted observations on the drama, before this scene, they had broken up no less than three times, destroyed multiple life-long friendships, and been, just, really annoying all the way through. But now they had their happy ending. At least until they found out that the man had slept with the woman's evil twin. Yoohyun wasn't sure if the man knew it was the twin and not the woman, but he also did not particularly care.

He mostly just wanted the drama to end.

Not that he had anything better to do while waiting for Yoojin to get done at the vet clinic. Technically, Yoojin's shift had ended ten minutes ago, but it wasn't like a secretary could just hang up in the middle of a phone-call, no matter how annoying the caller was. At least that's what Yoojin claimed, Yoohyun did not feel the same.

But until Yoojin came to get him, he would just have to sit in the waiting room and watch the drama the clinic for some reason considered suitable waiting-room-entertainment. Maybe it had been chosen because there was an entire arc centered around a dog dying and was therefore deemed thematically relevant for people who came to the clinic to have their dogs put down.

When those episodes aired the waiting room was filled with more sniffles than usual.

Yoohyun really wished the drama had never been filmed back then.

"Did you have to wait long?"

"No, hyung."

Yoojin was wearing the jacket he had been given at his delivery job, still layered above the vet-clinic scrubs, looking exhausted but cheerful. The same as he always did.

Yoohyun smiled at him. Yoojin grinned back.

Yoojin cast a look at the tv where the man and the woman were now holding hands in a park, interrupted by occasional shots of the woman-but-with-glasses-on (the evil twin) looking menacing.

He sighed dreamily. "Ah, love. Beautiful, isn't it?"

Yoohyun was not entirely sure what exactly was supposed to be beautiful about all the miscommunication and tears he had been told by countless shows and movies were the pinnacle of love, but he nodded along anyway.

"And to think one day, my beloved little brother will find love for himself." Yoojin ruffled his hair, making Yoohyun pout a little.

"But I already love you more than anyone, hyung."

Yoojin laughed, clearly touched but also bemused. "But Yoohyun-ah, I don't meant that kind of love. I mean when you grow up and meet a nice girl to settle down with and I get to babysit all my cute nieces and nephews."

"Mhm."

Yoohyun decided not to protest any more. Yoojin seemed to care greatly about Yoohyun's hypothetical romantic future, even if Yoohyun knew deep down that he would never love anyone that way.

He realised this basically the moment the concept of romantic love started being floated around by the adults in his life, be it by the kindergarten teachers calling any boys and girls playing together "little boyfriends and girlfriends" or fairy tales declaring the power of the love's kiss. It all sounded rather silly to him.

Very few seemed to share his perspective on the matter, though. Maybe he was just born different. It wouldn't be the only way he failed to match the expectations for a person.

"Come on, Yoohyun. We have to run if we want to catch the bus."

Yoohyun got up and patted down his school uniform, making sure he didn't leave anything behind in the waiting room. As they went outside, he threw one last glance at where the man and the woman were having carefully choreographed, mostly implied sex and knew that this would never be him.

Written for Sctir Pride Week Day 5: "Born This Way"

[thewhumpcaretaker]

Is me again with Wick D'Antonio ask HELLOO :D

I remembered how you asked me about Santino's and John's wedding, like how it would look like and all that, SOOO :)

What do you think about their wedding! How do you see it? Where would it be? Who would be invited, etc?

How would they act? Are they both nervous or one of them is handling it better? ^ ^

Wick D'Antonio!!! What's interesting to me is that their wedding would look really different if they were still a part of the Table, versus in retirement. It's more romantic if they're retired, but I think it has more drama if they're still in the Table, so I'll do that version.

This was almost a fic - it has a plot honestly. Might write it later, we'll see!

Image sources: 1 2 3 (monogram) 3 (background) 4 5

You're absolutely right that they'd have a beach wedding. Beaches are important for both of them.

John lets Santino do most of the planning for their suits and for the theme, because fashion and decoration are his area of expertise. "Anything you pick will be beautiful."

So they have a blue color scheme with touches of silver, on top of lots of billowing white fabrics and blue and white flowers. And of course, the food is extravagant because he can afford it.

Coffee-flavored wedding cake with hand sculpted John and Santino cake toppers!! They both like coffee, so it's perfect. John thinks the cake toppers are really funny.

Santino has an extravagant blue suit and John wears white (You might expect black, but today isn't about him as a killer, it's about his new life with Santino and his sweeter side). They weren't going to see each other's suits before the wedding, but then Santino got too excited about picking clothes and they ended up suit shopping together. They also both have silver flower crowns, because I said so!

The guest list is a nightmare. Santino has to make sure no one is snubbed, because being invited to a wedding has political significance within the Table (not to mention within his family), and you don't want to make enemies. So he has to be really careful. Especially with the seating chart…

Security is a big issue as well, because this is a perfect time for assassination. John and Ares are both overworked trying to make sure the grooms will be safe.

When he's working on the guest list and security, Santino gets overwhelmed and starts to break down because he feels like their wedding isn't even about them anymore - there's too much politics involved. Plus, he's scared someone will take the opportunity to make an attempt on his life before his new life with John can even begin. So John has to calm him down and remind him that no matter what happens, he'll protect him from any fallout and they'll be on their honeymoon soon, which is only for them.

On the other hand, John barely has any guests. There's Winston, Caine, Sofia, and Katia, and…that's about it. It makes Santino a bit sad to see it, and he tries to make sure John can hang out with his family if he wants to. At least with Gianna.

There's a lot of back-and-forth in John's mind over whether to invite The Director. Ultimately, he decides not to do it. He says it's because she wouldn't really want to come anyway, but he honestly just doesn't want to see her on a day that is supposed to be happy.

On the day of the wedding, both of them are soooo nervous!! Santino wants everything to go well and according to plan - he's constantly fussing over his suit and pacing around memorizing his vows. John is nervous too, but he expresses it by being deathly quiet and just having a worried look on his face.

But once they see each other, everything melts away and they're smiling so much and can't stop crying. Their vows are so sweet - to protect each other to the death, to be there in sickness and health, to honor and listen to each other, to always be each other's first priority, to show each other the innocence that can't be found in the rest of this broken world.

And then…THE WEDDING DOES GET ATTACKED!!! But here's the twist: although neither of them told the other because they don't want to worry them, both of them decide to carry concealed weapons during the ceremony, just in case they need to protect each other. They both pull out their weapons at the same time and kill the assassins.

The attack is a blessing in disguise: it turns out to be a display of their strength, solidifying Santino's reputation and teaching others not to mess with the power couple!! It's also a demonstration of their love for each other and everyone is touched.

This gives them a nice boost of adrenaline as fuel for their wedding night ;) They're definitely making love with a passion because they're so grateful that both of them made it out alive…and because Santino thinks the splash of blood on John's white suit is actually kind of hot. They can barely get through the dancing after dinner before rushing off to be alone together <3

[bthump]

I see a lot of people acting like Guts was so good to Casca when he admitted he just wanted a side chick. Reading the manga it felt that she was unimportant to him, someone to fuck and throw to the side. Even when he was trying to be there for her it felt so...forced. Like he didn't want to be there at all, why do you think that is?

I think it's a combination of Miura deliberately writing it as a flawed attempt at a relationship in terrible circumstances between two fucked up people that was always kind of a mistake, and like, probably some bad writing as well lol.

Like I think it's supposed to at least come across as sweet and earnest and hopeful at the time. A genuine connection between Guts and Casca. Miura has said in an interview that he wrote their relationship to add more drama to the Eclipse, so presumably the audience is meant to root for them to an extent, so that the Eclipse rape can make the reader even more angry lol.

But I don't think it was ever intended to be true love or even necessarily a good idea on the parts of the characters. When Guts invites Casca along he directly says she might get in the way of what he wants to do (fight strong opponents) so his invitation is conditional. This actually foreshadows Guts abandoning her in a cave to go and fight monsters, because she does get in his way.

Casca also cries when Guts fights Wyald and afterwards tells him to die on his own if he's so insistant about it, so even if she hadn't gone insane she probably would've gotten in the way of his dream to throw himself into danger over and over anyway lol.

On the rescue mission they start getting jealous as they get closer to Griffith. They essentially break up right before the Eclipse starts, Casca telling Guts to leave to pursue his dream while she stays with Griffith.

Judeau puts a lot of energy into trying to get them to hook up and leave together, and it's strongly implied that it's because he doesn't feel like he deserves Casca himself and he wants what he thinks is best for her. But when he dies he regrets never telling Casca about his feelings, and Casca even has a little romantic moment with him after he saves her life, which echoes the way she falls for Griffith and then Guts when they save her life.

And it's kind of jarring when she's already hooked up with the protagonist of the story, and certainly suggests that her relationship with Guts is not exactly all-consuming for them. It's realistically unromantic.

Post-Eclipse, Casca is framed as Guts' responsibility that pulls him away from the more visceral temptation to go after Griffith. And this causes him to nearly kill Casca, and then nearly rape her.

When Casca gets her mind back but can't look at him, Guts swings his sword in frustration and restlessness and thinks about Griffith's intense gaze from across a field. After she gets kidnapped, Guts only seems to care that his sword couldn't hit Griffith.

I could go on lol, but basically there are so many deliberate details that point to Guts and Casca's relationship being intended not as super romantic, but rather a more realistic hookup that isn't necessarily a net positive for either of them. And I do think that's what Miura intended, to a greater or lesser degree. I'm sure it was meant to be somewhat genuine and sweet, but I think they're ultimately shown to be incompatible and like, a trainwreck overall.

And yeah, a lot of Guts' shitty treatment of Casca is definitely deliberate, since after the Eclipse he does abandon her, and later attacks and assaults her, and she's currently traumatized by not just Femto and monsters, but also him.

I've actually written a ton of posts about their relationship and its flaws, so I'll link some in case you're interested in more detailed takes:

This is probably one of the best posts I've written about them imo, about how Judeau and Guts' relationships to Casca are compared and contrasted to highlight some of Guts' flaws.

Guts and Casca's hook up being paralleled to Griffith and Charlotte's hook up in terms of both men trying to repress their feelings about the other.

How Judeau's manipulations reflect on Guts and Casca's relationship.

Visual parallels during the Guts + Casca sex scene that suggest they're both rebounding from Griffith.

My take on Guts wanting to earn Casca's affection in ch 33.

Guts and Casca's relationship as a mistake that contributes to the Eclipse happening.

Guts and Casca's hook up failing to have an impact.

A long list of moments that contradict Guts and Casca's relationship as particularly romantic.

Thanks for the ask!

[poetessurielle999]

"You look good together."

But it was better when we were far apart from each other. [Not proofread]

Pathetic of me, aren't I? I ran away from the words that isn't supposed to haunt me in my sleep. It only sounded like a friendly joke—that we look like a lovely couple.

Except in that joke, I was the laughingstock.

"She's so in love with him, it's kind of creepy."

"She looks kind of weird with that look on her face."

"She wears her heart on her sleeve, such a drama."

And everyone clamors in laughter, thundering in applause while the tomato ketchup on my cheeks become the tears I wish to sob out way before this happened.

Why is it wrong of me to look at my friend with care? With gentleness? I do not need to like him romantically for me to form a genuine connection. He is a dear friend, will always be, yet it scares me that people never saw it that way.

They always think my kindness is flirtatious, and now I don't even know what they want me to be. I always seem to be terrible in their eyes and I wish I can get away from them sooner.

But instead, I got away from the dear friend whom I cared deeply, because I care, and I fear that it might affect him too. They might destroy his image together with my own and I'd hate that.

And I have tolerated enough of his behaviors that makes it look like he does have romantic feelings for me.

He isn't. He will never have feelings. He is not into girls.

I'm so exhausted and obliterated of everything. As a poet, I bleed words, yet the words of others can instantly kill me without a drop of blood.

A. "Urielle"

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

What are your opinions on more „popular“ salt takes about Adrien and Mari, like the typical „Adrichat is an ass for for flirting with LB after she rejects him“ and „Maribug us a horrible stalker“?

Well, I'd be lying if I said that I have no idea where they're coming from. There are definitely times when I'll watch an episode and wonder what in the world the writers are trying to do, especially when it comes to Adrien's behavior as it's played a lot more straight than Marinette's. While I don't like her behavior at times, it's almost always treated as a joke, not a dramatic character beat whereas I cannot say the same for Adrien.

But these are characters in a TV show, not real people and we need to keep that in mind when judging them. It's why my go-to thought is "what is wrong with the writing staff" and not "Adrien is an incel." Because Adrien is very clearly not supposed to be an incel. Unless the writers are plotting something truly asinine, the Love Square is our end game couple. We are supposed to view Adrien as a charming and funny romantic lead. When he falls short of that role, it's not Adrien "showing his true colors." He's a fictional character. He has no true colors. If his actions and words are ever unbecoming for a romantic lead, it's because the writers are failing to write Adrien the way they want us to see him.

They consistently do this to all of the characters. Alya's supposed to be an awesome friend and a smart journalist (I think), but she can't see through Lila's BS. Marinette's parents are supposed to be loving and supportive, but they randomly believed that their daughter stole from their bakery to make a dress and didn't even try to let her explain herself. Nino is supposed to be the Chosen of Protection, but he didn't care to protect his best friend and just happily sent Gabriel on a rampage without a second thought.

Give me a character and I can point to a bunch of episodes that justify every salty take this fandom has because they're not pulling this stuff from thin air. They're picking and choosing the worst writing in the show and venting about it, which is frankly understandable. Like I get why there are so many Alya salt fics. Her writing in the Lila episodes is infuriating and I do find those fics a little cathartic at times. But it's really, really obvious that she's not supposed to be a terrible friend. She's a victim of the writers drawing the Lila plot line out for far too long and making Lila's lies far too obvious.

Similarly, a lot of the issues with Adrien and Marinette stem from the fact that you simply can't draw a romance plot out for five seasons without causing issues unless you make the romance a background plot. But they didn't do that. The love square is front and center for most episodes, but since it can't actually resolve, the writers keep adding drama that makes our leads feel horribly unhealthy.

On the Marinette side, her not being able to talk to Adrien was fine as an initial issue, but we are five seasons into this show. Over 100 episodes! You reach a point where it stops being cute and starts being concerning. It's also not helped by the fact that Marinette's crush is written like a celebrity crush and not a crush on someone she actually knows. Daily exposure to Adrien should mellow her out. Especially since he's supposed to be her friend! But if the writers let Marinette talk to Adrien, then they'd grow closer and might feel like they had to get together, so they couldn't let that. Thus Marinette being a disaster for four seasons and the terrible shoehorned plot to try and justify it in season five.

On the Adrien side, they let Chat Noir confess too soon. Prior to that, the Ladynoir relationship was a playful one where it was feasible that Ladybug just viewed her kitty as a massive flirt. This was especially true since he flirts with everyone. But once she knew that he was serious? The playfulness vanished and Chat Noir started coming across as entitled and pushy. It didn't help that they had him ignoring her preferences ("Don't call me Bugaboo") and getting them in trouble by not taking his job seriously (his flirting getting them hit in Oblivio).

In summary, the love square should have been resolved much sooner or been relegated to a b plot that got far less attention. I also would have reversed the square since it makes for a far more interesting story that you can organically draw out longer, but that's just me. I don't have any issue with people ignoring the canon problems and just writing Adrien and Marinette as the cute couple that they were obviously intended to be. I also enjoy fics that treat Adrien's pushiness as a character flaw that can be resolved because that's what canon should have done. His issues aren't the mark of a terrible person. They're the understandable flaws of a teenager who is in love for the first time and doesn't know how to express himself. If a show would actually address this kind of common tween/teen issue, then a lot of kids would get an incredibly valuable lesson that would help them when they grow up and fall in love. If you're ever watching Miraculous with a kid, I strongly encourage you to approach Adrien's character from that perspective. Talk about why his actions are understandable, but ultimately wrong and more likely to push someone away than win their heart just like we see with Ladybug.

[koreandragon]

Final thoughts about love next door? Both the show and the main romance? I thought it had a lot less depth than it wanted to think it did and one of the most underwhelming romance I've ever seen I don't know why I was supposed to root for them since one of them came off like an obsessive weirdo and the other one came off like she was barely invested in this relationship which for a supposed romance is not a good look.

i was just about to make a post gathering my thoughts so i'll just write them here. i agree with the things you said.

it started off so well, i really liked their dynamic, the writing was witty and fun and it had great potential for that friends to lovers angst. then it fell into the mistake so many dramas seem to fall into and it's that it seemed to lose sight of what it was supposed to be, which was a romance/family drama. it definitely didn't have the depth it thought it had although they made some good points in the beginning with the overworking and depression. i still don't know what the point of seok ryu's stomach cancer was aside from bringing tension between every single character and to have the conflict drawn out for a few more episodes. it was basically a plot device to speed up the romance and to have her family realize how much they've mistreated her.

which brings me to seok ryu's family in particular. i know that no family is perfect and it's natural to have flaws but seok ryu's mom specifically was getting on my nerves. all she cared about was herself, her reputation, what people would think of her and what's bad in her life. like what do you mean it took your daughter getting cancer for you to realize you've been treating her like shit? the whole side story with seung hyo's parents was of no interest to me either, too much time wasted on his parents rekindling their romance and the mom's fake dementia and cheating.

haein and somin seemed to have great chemistry only when they were still friends, after the romance started to develop it felt forced and uncomfortable which was heightened by the fact that the show was content with having minimal intimacy and chaste kisses. seok ryu said she ignored her feelings for 30 years and that she actually liked him first which they have shown no proof of, she didn't even think about him like that until he confessed which is where the show took a nosedive for me. their initial chemistry and bickering just disappeared and instead there was this weird tension and energy between them which can be attributed to the fact that there was this thing hanging between them, seung hyo made things awkward by confessing. but even after they got together it's like they haven't been friends for 30 years and they switched into full couple mode, talking sweetly and romantically which just felt out of place and not how we got to know them and their dynamic. they brought it back briefly only in the last episode with the headlocking and the fighting at the end.

my main issue with the show was that i was Bored. boring. too many plotlines and characters and relationships i did Not care about. episodes and episodes (with an average runtime of 1h 20m btw which was unnecessary) of the main couple suffering after seung hyo's confession because he kept pushing her for an answer and she didn't know what to answer him so episodes just went by with basically no development in their relationship.

the two exes taking up the air for several episodes was mind numbing.

mo eum, dan oh and yeon du did not interest me at all, they were basically as exciting as a saltine cracker. the only compelling thing about that relationship was that he was a single father which they backtracked on and revealed he's actually her uncle, nothing to see here. i was bothered by the chasteness of the main couple (who got one implied sex scene) but this couple were driving me up the wall with how sanitized and underwhelming their romance was. i have more electricity between me and my carpet when i rub my socks on it. kim ji eun was wonderful i like her because she's very lively and funny but watching yun ji on act was like being waterboarded. not trying to be a hater but i don't know if he was directed so badly or he's just Like That. every time we got a pre schooler level peck on the lips i took psychic damage.

there were things i was uninterested in but i still appreciated like the lavender group, i think it's cute that there was a similar friend group as the main one but with older women and it's important to represent that. or the dad's struggle with wanting to provide for his family and feeling inadequate and coming to terms with his retirement to make place for his daughter's dream. although me liking this had a lot to do with how much i like the actor who portrayed the dad because he made me feel very sympathetic towards him.

this was one of those dramas that felt too sanitized and polished for me, the romance was underwhelming because it was so tired and overdone that it didn't make me feel any tingles. just a very forgettable drama all in all

[faulty-writes]

[ This was requested by the lovely @todoroki-vivian a while ago. I finally got around to writing it and while it's short, I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. The summary is below the banner. ]

[ Most could only dream of having a relationship with a pro hero, but you agreed to be in a "fake" one with Katsuki or "Ground Zero" as he's known by the public. Of course, the funny thing is you had feelings for him, and who could blame you? But what happens when you confess those feelings, will it make or break everything? ]

This situation was unthinkable to most, and it was probably a wonder to society why you were with Katsuki Bakugou otherwise known as "Ground Zero, The Explosive Hero." Of course, nobody knew the dirty little secret behind your relationship which was there was no relationship.

Katsuki came up with the plan, although the explanation that followed it didn't make sense. "What!? This is so my future fans don't try anything, don't you get that!?" By "try anything" you assumed he meant bother him with romantic bullshit seeing as many heroes had fans that sometimes went a little too far.

Then again, you were one of the few people that knew Katsuki wanted a family one day. Still, you couldn't fathom why he chose you to have a "fake" relationship with. But since graduating, he continuously pestered or rather threatened your bodily well-being until you agreed to his twisted idea.

You didn't know what that entailed until the cameras started flashing whenever he saved the day and pulled you close to proclaim his "fake" love for you. This, of course, caused drama and rumors and on more than one occasion the two of you were on the cover of the latest gossip magazine.

It was amazing and yet expected that society would try anything to tear two heroes apart. But again, it was all for pretend so neither of you was affected that much. Well, at least you maintained that persona. The truth is you found yourself falling for the angry boom boom man.

Unfortunately, this was something you had to keep secret. After all, it was unlikely he felt the same way or so you believed. 'It's just pretend...' you constantly reminded yourself, and each and every time you added another crack to your heart which was bound to break.

"Pff," Katsuki shook his head and threw the latest scandalous magazine onto his desk before slumping in his chair. "Jeez, they don't let up do they!?" he exclaimed, closing his eyes, and clenching his teeth. You happened to be standing near the window, looking down at the crowd below.

Every minute or so, you could see the tiniest flash of light. "I guess not," you replied, turning to look at him and briefly forgetting about the paparazzi. It's not like they could get inside and even if they did, Katsuki would take care of them quick.

He growled and stood up from his desk. "Stop looking out the damn window already," he said, walking over. "Heh, unless you want to give them a show," he commented with a smirk, laying his hands on your hips, and pulling you close.

"Mm..." you glanced away, knowing this was just another opportunity he wanted to take to show off. "Do you...like kissing me or something?" you asked, tensing up as you were prepared for his negative reaction.

"Hm?!" he raised his eyebrow. "Just what the hell is that supposed to mean?" he hissed, now clenching his hands by his sides. "I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it dumbass!" your jaw tightened, and you looked toward the floor.

"No that's not what I..." you sighed. "Nevermind," you pushed against his chest and walked to the door. He blinked, somewhat surprised by your reaction. "Where the hell do you think you're going?!" he demanded, and you almost didn't want to answer him.

"Out," you replied, making him frown. "Pff, there's nothing but a bunch of damn paparazzi out there," he said, pointing to the window. "I just want to be alone right now," you said, wrapping your arms around yourself and glancing away from him.

You knew you didn't deserve to be upset because you were aware of what you were getting into when he first laid out this agreement. You knew you weren't supposed to get attached, but damn...you did anyway. His eyebrows raised and the angry expression that seemed to be permanently glued to his features all but faded.

He curled his hands into fists. "I'm not an idiot you know," he said with a snarl, closing the distance between the two of you. He slammed his hand against the doorframe above your head. "You don't think I can tell when something is wrong with you!?" he snapped.

"So, spit it out already, even if..." he paused, and glanced away. 'Can't believe I have to say this,' he thought, closing his eyes briefly. "Even if this is a damn...fake relationship I...I care about you," he muttered, opening his eyes.

"Mm..." you thought over his words and looked at him, trying to find any hint of doubt in his expression. You sighed and hoped he'd understand. "I...this relationship is..." he raised his eyebrow when you muttered "...nevermind," and slumped your shoulders.

He growled and once again slammed his hand against the doorframe. "Don't just start a damn sentence and end it! If you wanna say something, say it!" he demanded, leaning down to try and get you to look at him but your eyes remained focused on the floor.

Unlike most, you didn't flinch when he yelled at you. But you wondered if this was still him "caring" and knew that if the paparazzi somehow managed to squirm their way into the building and to "Ground Zero's" office, they'd see this as a lover's quarrel.

He waited for your response, but after a few minutes of silence, it was clear he was getting nowhere. "Alright fine!" he turned to sit at his desk. "If you actually wanna talk about this damn 'relationship' then come here," he said and grew annoyed when you refused to look at him.

"I said come here!" he snapped, gesturing to his lap. "You...want me to sit on your lap?" you asked, immediately leaning back when he growled in response. You glanced away again, taking a moment to regain your composure.

"Okay?" chances are he'd get more pissed if you didn't comply and while you had sat on his lap many times before, that was usually when the media was present. Your heart was racing by the time you came to stand in front of him.

"Well, what are you waiting for dumbass!?" he urged with a hiss. "G-give me a second! Jeez," you replied. A deep breath sounded, and you grabbed onto his shoulders, carefully straddling yourself onto his lap. 'This is so awkward,' you thought, and the flushed color of your cheeks gave you away.

"Heh, why are you blushing? You've sat in my lap before, don't act like it's a big deal!" he hissed, and you weren't sure if he was annoyed or making fun of you. Not that it mattered at the moment. You latched onto your bottom lip, digging your fingers into his shoulders remembering his words.

Yes, you wanted to talk about this relationship. But there was no telling how he would react, although you could take a wild guess. Angrily and it was that anger that would cause this relationship to end or continue. Everything aside, as a hero, you needed to tackle your fears head-on.

"You said I could talk about this relationship, right?" you asked, knowing full well the answer. Katsuki growled yet again, opening his mouth to speak but you held your hand up to silence him. "Would it be wrong if feelings got involved?" you might as well soften the blow.

He blinked, knitting his eyebrows together. "Huh? What the hell do you mean?" he asked, clearly confused. You sighed, should you just come out with it? You continued digging your fingers into his shoulders and your stomach twisted with butterflies.

"We agreed to this relationship because you didn't want your hero status to be ruined with romance, right?" you asked, locking eyes with him. He said nothing, but you noted the scowl he was wearing and the way his eyebrows were lowered.

"Yeah, so what if I said that? You gonna throw those damn words in my face now?" he hissed after a few seconds. "I'm not trying to throw anything in your face," you said, pinching the bridge of your nose and sighing loudly.

Katsuki frowned. He knew where this was going, but goddamn he didn't want to hear it. The whole reason he had tried so hard to convince you to be in this "fake" relationship was because he had feelings for you.

Hell if he knew when they started, one day he just saw you as someone...well cool and someone who had what it took to keep up with him. He found himself wanting you and growing aggressive whenever others got close to you.

He wanted you to himself. Yeah, maybe it was deceiving to convince the one you loved to agree to something like this and to use your damn hero career as the excuse behind it. But...maybe he was just afraid of getting his heart broken.

Yeah, even heroes had fears. Get over it. He didn't believe for one instance that you would feel the same way he did. Even now, he could feel his stomach twisting into knots and those damn butterflies were making it hard for him to continue putting up a confident front.

'Damn it!' he growled, knowing there was no use in delaying any further. "Then what are you saying? You got feelings for me!?" he snapped, leaning closer and wrapping his arms around you to ensure you couldn't escape or climb off his lap.

Your eyes widened and your heart accelerated and yet felt heavy. Your cheeks were rosy red, and your mind was blank. What the hell were you supposed to say? You tried taking a deep breath but ended up choking.

"Heh," he grinned and reached up, slipping his fingers through the back of your hair. "Well, guess you're in fucking luck then," he replied, leaning closer. "Huh? What do you mean?" you asked, making his happy face drop.

"What do you mean what do I mean!?" he snapped, and those fingers in your hair grew tighter forcing your head back. "I like you too dumbass!" he snapped before turning away and releasing his grip. "I..." he sighed, taking a deep breath.

"I've liked you for a while now, got that!?" he hissed, feeling embarrassed for having admitted such a stupid thing. Jeez, why were feelings so complicated? You blinked, your lips hanging open in shock. He smirked, finding amusement in your expression.

"Didn't think I knew you liked me too, huh?" he crossed his arms. Okay, so maybe he didn't really know until a few moments ago. But when he thought about it your actions gave you away. He noticed how flushed you'd get after he kissed you, and how you'd stare at him in awe when you thought he wasn't looking.

It's almost too bad he didn't get the opportunity to tease you back then, but he sure as hell could now. He continued to smirk and once again grabbed the back of your head. "But I'm not sure if your feelings are true. Why not prove your-damn-self to me?" he demanded.

"Hm!?" you tried to lean back, but his hand kept your head in place. "I..." you glanced away, feeling your cheeks continue to grow hot. Katsuki frowned and shoved your head forward, causing you to yelp. He pressed his forehead against yours, and with a vicious growl said, "Just kiss me already, idiot!"

You would have complied if not for the fact that he initiated the request and roughly pressed his lips against yours. He was always a little dominant and made you feel weak. "Mm..." your eyelids lowered, and your hands slid down to his chest.

You leaned back, turning your head to the side to break the kiss. Katsuki didn't seem so happy about that and tried to force your head forward again, but you kept your hands firmly pressed against him. "W-wait a minute!" you pleaded, making him sigh.

"What!?" he responded, clearly eager for more intimacy. "So...does this mean that you...want to start dating?" you asked sheepishly, trying to ignore how he rolled his eyes. "Yeah yeah," he replied nonchalantly, releasing his hold on your hair before leaning back.

"But you better be ready to handle what comes our way," he warned, and you chuckled in response. "I think I've been handling it just fine," Katsuki glanced at his desk. "Oh yeah?" he asked, reaching for his phone. "Then how about we make it official?" his tone was coated with amusement.

You looked at his phone and then back at him. "Wait...you don't mean-" he grabbed the back of your head, pulling you close. "I want to share this moment with the world, heh let's make some fuckers jealous," he said, refusing to give you time to respond before he once again slammed his lips against yours.

Most heroes had social media accounts, and Katsuki rarely used his. But he knew that if he posted a picture of him kissing his partner, it would give him more attention than those other sorry heroes and the chance to brag that he had the type of relationship most of them could only dream of.

[kiragecko]

This is a post about why I'm currently considering myself to be nonbinary, but it's not a post about gender.

-

It’s about 90% of the elementary school girls wanting to sit on the grass and talk about boys, and me still not understanding why even now, in my mid 30s.

It’s about ‘girls books’ that were all about friendship drama and worrying about menstruating, and how these were framed as universal concerns. My only friends were a pair of male cousins and we mostly cared about how our Lego ninjas’ castle infiltration was going. (The options were limited in my small library in the mid-90s.)

It’s about the ‘wild’, ‘disobedient’, and 'hyper' kids in the books I grew up with being so much better behaved than me, even on my best day, that I’d puzzle over it for weeks. Maybe if my parents were stricter I would be able to follow instructions easier? Maybe I was one of the mean kids in those books? Why was nobody in books like me?

It’s about the revulsion I feel when I think about ‘romantic’ gestures. Remembering my mom getting flowers from someone at church, and my aunt getting upset when I laughed about how she wouldn’t like them. MY MOM IS ALLERGIC TO FLOWERS, but a person who had nothing to do with the situation got offended that I didn’t consider them a thoughtful and nice gift. It makes me feel nauseous thinking about how I’m ‘supposed’ to think things that I don’t want and can’t use are loving gifts, just because society decided they were.

It's about people wanting me to already know their social conventions, and feeling like they are doing SO MUCH WORK when they make allowances for my mistakes, but thinking that learning anything about how I like to communicate is asking far too much of them.

It's about trying to make friends as a teen, and all the guys getting upset or weird when it became clear that wasn't code for dating.

It's about makeup giving me rashes, and my hair being done up giving me headaches.

It’s about women in lingerie in ads, and how I wore a headscarf for a year in reaction to how that made me feel.

It's about learning biblical gender roles, and getting really excited about the idea of protection and love in return for submission. And then finding out I like the BDSM understanding of protection and submission a lot more than I like the church's. That the person I love doesn't have the skill to protect me in ways that make submission safe.

It’s about having noise and light sensitivities, but being expected to enjoy crowded weddings.

It’s about people acting disgusted when I get too loud. Or excited. Or happy. Or interested.

It's about 'body language experts' that ""explain"" what various gestures mean, and it's about that month when my husband believed them and told me I was wrong about what I felt.

It's about definitions of 'womanhood' and 'humanity' that contain things that exclude me. And learning how to be okay with being the exception this time. And eventually getting so used to being the exception that I can no longer connect to the concept at all.

It's about only reading fantasy, now, because an elf's experience isn't supposed to be relatable.

It’s about learning that ‘I actually wanted’ things I didn’t want, and I was ‘unreasonable’ when I said no, and I was being ‘too sensitive’ when things physically or emotionally hurt.

It’s about being ADHD and aroace and weird in far too many ways; in a culture that seems to consider that to be willful rebellion and disrespect.

-

I don’t know how to be a woman. I don’t know how to feel good about being a woman. I don't feel I can fulfill the roles and dynamics associated with femininity. I can't present myself in the expected ways, and I don't really want to. In isolation, 'woman' feels like an accurate description. But than I think of OTHER people considering me a woman, and having the right to define what that means, and I just can't.

I need a break from considering myself female, so I can figure out how to do it in a way that doesn’t break me.

I want to learn how to interact with other people in a way that are less exhausting and painful. Engage on my own terms, and disengage if those terms aren’t fulfilled. Protect my own boundaries with strangers and acquaintances - people I don’t expect to make allowances for me. Not by demanding things of them, but by only offering myself on certain terms.

I don't want to ask anything about anyone else. I'm tired of it being about them. I want to ask things of myself. Ask for respect, and care. Figure out what that would actually look like. I want to process and let go of my self-hatred and feelings of being 'designed wrong'.

I've heard the terms 'acegender' and 'neurogender'. They don't excite me, but I recognize that's part of what's going on. Having ADHD gets in the way of performing womanhood to the point that it becomes hard to separate them. And some much of femaleness is defined in relation to being a part of a heterosexual romantic couple. I've got the man, but that hasn't helped me decode the mysteries of romantic and sexual attraction. The baffling concept of men having some sort of allure that women lack, of being a different category.

But, like my marriage isn't about my lack of attraction (it's about the choice I made to love him, and the decade plus of commitment we've had to each other), being nonbinary isn't about my lack of understanding of and ability to perform womanhood. It's about choosing to love myself, and recognizing that I've internalized enough harmful beliefs that I can't healthily identify as female right now.

It's not about gender.