#I don’t see him till November but I’m so excited for when he’ll get to see it ahhhh

[eggs-love-loki]

Had a busy crafting night yesterday

[cvlutos]

“No Nut November” Pt.2

| Repost: 01.09.23 | 1.3K | Mature |

NRC 2nd Years X GN!Reader

| CHARACTERS 18+ | Sexual Themes | Masturbation | Flirting | Sorta Creepy | Voice Kink | Etc. | Proceed with Caution, Dearest. |

♡ RIDDLE ROSEHEARTS ♡

LOSER #ONE

He honestly doesn’t know about NNN, until he heard Ace and Deuce talking about it and so he asks Trey. Who simply laughs out loud and sorta explains it. Riddle literally goes red in the face and wants to collar anyone who speaks about something that is so embarrassing. Until you casually mention it and think it’s funny. He’s sorta like that’s dumb. He’s totally not doing NNN, not even for you. But he thinks about it, various times throughout the day. I honestly believe that Riddle isn’t a very horny person, so he rarely gets hard till the most random of times. He sorta just plainly ignores it as he does homework in his bedroom. Absentmindedly chewing on his pen, think about you and how’d you touch—

He'll win, simply because he can’t bring himself to jack off. Though most likely had the most intense wet dream known to man. He woke up shaking and shuddering, sweating as if he fucked fr. He swears that would never happen. He would never put his dick in you—can’t make eye contact with you for weeks without becoming red in the face.

“Off with anyone’s head who participates in something so disgusting—No, I’m not red in the place!”

♡ RUGGIE BUCCHI ♡

LOSER #TWO

Loud and proud with “winning”. Knows all about NNN and he and his friends probably keep track to make sure each other doesn’t fail. So at the same time, he’s tryna preserve his NNN streak, he’s tryna ruin it for everyone else. He’s taking the most outta pocket pictures and will just casually show everyone, like one where you slip in a puddle, another why are you biting your lip. Leona is his biggest victim. He thinks he’s untouchable until you go outta your way to get him a gift. The only gifts Ruggie ever receives are the rare gifts from friends and family from the Afterglow Savannah, or the various things Leona “gives” him. So a gift from his crush.

He’s crashing and burning. Fumbling over his words as he darts off to his room. Tripping over himself as he struggles to unbuckle this belt, kicking his door close with a slam. He’s almost shaking from excitement, like a dog in front of a fresh meal. Leaning against his dorm and bucking wildly into his hand. Will act like he never came to the thought of you, though several say some heard him whimper your name.

“No, I didn’t lose… no, I don’t whimper.”

♡ AZUL ASHENGROTTO ♡

ULTIMATE LOSER.

I’m sorry but when it comes to you and trying to not masturbate. He’s failing. Losing before he even knew about NNN. Like, he’s so embarrassed when Floyd and Jade talk about as they walk to class, his face is pink before he’s coughing it off and calling NNN a children’s game. He’ll not participate in something so silly. Like bsfr.

As if he hadn’t his face shoved into a pillow and his blankets shoved between his legs. Hair, disheveled, and face red as he grinds into the multiple blankets, at exactly November 1st, 4:13AM. Like the sun isn’t even out.

“That is a childish game—No! I didn’t ‘jizz’—Don’t say such brash things! Especially in public, Floyd!”

♡ JADE LEECH ♡

WINNER #ONE

He wins simply because he wants to win. He has no carnal desire to ‘fuck his hand’ nor ‘ruin his bedsheets’, both kindly phrased by Floyd. Don’t be mistaken, he has before, seeing as he’s extremely interested in the human body. But he already knows what he likes and what makes him tick, of sorts. But you. What makes you hot and bothered? Are you into biting? Maybe blood? Maybe you like it rough, or maybe you like it soft. Which one is it?

This NNN isn’t going to be for him to have self-control. It’s going to be for you. He simply loves the embarrassed look you have when he gives you shy touches or whispers in your ear. He loves to see the way humans react. His goal isn’t to just make you lose NNN by cumming, he wants to be there and be the one that makes you cum.

“Please do tell, what is it you’re into? Shall we explore together?”

♡ FLOYD LEECH ♡

LOSER #FOUR

Loud and proud, this time with losing. Zero shame in talking to you about it. All in your ear, whispering about how hard you made him and how he came to you. Not even in a private place, probably during passing period when the halls were all crowded. Now don’t be mistaken, he “tried” for a good 60 minutes till you were minding your own business. Probably you yawned in his vicinity. He blames you for losing.

Floyd is such a flip-floppy person. Like he’s mad, he’s lost one moment, cause if you didn’t just walk around all alluring, then he wouldn’t have fucked his hand. But he’s also happy, cause he gets this type of reaction outta you. Plans to fuck you at the end of the month. One way or another.

“Don’t be like that Shrimpy~ I was just tryna have some funn hallway chit chat~”

♡ KALIM AL-ASIM ♡

LOSER #FIVE

Don’t feel bad for him. Everybody and their momma knew Kalim wasn’t winning. Everybody in that dorm knew that the moment he said he was doing NNN, he was going to lose. Like he’s the only one shocked when he’s having difficulty winning like he isn’t a huge simp. Like you say ‘jump’, Kalim is like ‘How high?’ He’d jump off a cliff into the ocean if you asked him to.

Lasts a day. A day. Longer than Jamil thought, who gave him 5 hours max. Others betting 20 minutes. So he shocks everyone, but at the same time is it a flex if everyone can hear you getting down and dirty in your room and everyone in a 10-mile radius can hear the person who has a crush on name being moaned. Kalim acts normally the next day, but Jamil looks so ashamed.

“Yeah, I lost, but it’s just a game. And I don’t mind losing [Name] is just so irresistible!”

♡ JAMIL VIPER ♡

UNDECIDED.

Truly can’t decide whether he would win or not. He’s only participating because of Kalim, who begged. So he’s playing. Which he’s proudly like, ‘I got this, no way I’m losing.’ Until you pull up, and around a lot more and he’s genuinely enjoying spending time with you, to the point you showing up in his dreams. One day in class he blanked out and had written your name with his last name. Suddenly he’s avoiding you like the bubonic plague. Like he sees you in the hall, he’s spinning around, dragging Kalim the other way.

I’ve changed my mind. He’s losing. He probably got a huge boner from spending time with you in his dorm room and thought that he could ease the pain and annoyance of his boner without cumming. For someone who’s in the dorm of mindfulness, why did he think that work, as he stares at his homework that’s now painted in his mess.

“I’m not avoiding them… I’m just taking a shortcut.”

♡ SILVER ♡

WINNER #TWO

He can barely stay awake to do homework. He sure ain’t staying awake to jerk off. Though he knows about NNN, because of his very loud dormmate, known as Sebek Zigvolt. Who challenges him. Silver, half awake and tired, agrees. Definitely forgets, and his only saving grace is him falling asleep mid-masturbation. Kid, you not. Has woken to his limp dick in hand on multiple occasions. Though I do believe that Silver stays very alert even in his sleep, so no one has caught him with his dick out. He’s been close.

He can barely stay awake to do homework. He sure ain’t staying awake to jerk off. Though he knows about NNN, because of his very loud dormmate, known as Sebek Zigvolt. Who challenges him. Silver, half awake and tired, agrees. Definitely forgets, and his only saving grace is him falling asleep mid-masturbation. Kid, you not. Has woken to his limp dick in hand on multiple occasions. Though I do believe that Silver stays very alert even in his sleep, so no one has caught him with his dick out. He’s been close.

“I won… oh okay…”

ⓒ 2023 love-thanatopsis — all rights reserved. Any sort of plagiarizing, copying, modifying, translating, editing of my works are strictly prohibited.

[vosiro]

⇾ Pairing: Kuroo Tetsurō x F!reader

⇾ Warnings: this shit nasty fr 18+, also CEO!Kuroo bc that’s sexy,

⇾ Authors note: In honor of my husbands birthday, I decided to write this nasty ass shit😜. See, ion know what demon POSSESSED me to write this but...🧍🏾‍♀️anyway, Y/n is implied black, but if you’re not black it’s ite!! There will be some use of AAVE on Y/n’s part tho, and she not finna be one of them “I-I-...b-but k-kuroo!” Shy bitches NONE OF DHET. She a bad bitch and that’s on prd. (Shy bitches still bad doe!!) is this self indulgent? Yea idc 💃🏾

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It was officially November 17, your husband’s birthday. When you had woken up, kuroo had already left for work, so the bed was empty. For the past week and a half you’ve been contemplating what to get him. You see, for your birthday, kuroo always showered you in gifts, money, clothes, anything you wanted. That was exactly the problem. Kuroo had the money, the expenses and the power to get anything either you or him wanted, what could you possible get him that he couldn’t already afford himself. For the past couple years y’all were married, you two always went to some fancy restaurant to eat, then went to a hotel to have some casual birthday sex. This year, you wanted it to be different, you wanted it to be special.

You walked into your local bar in a thin, golden bodycon dress, with a black, expensive fluffy jacket, that just made your skin pop. You just looked like walking money. And ofcourse kuroo had to have his girl walking around with that Hermes Birkin 30cm Himalayan with diamond hardware. You looked around the bar before you saw kiyoko waiting at a table. “Heyy shimizu” you gleamed, sitting down at the empty seat across from kiyoko. “Hey, Y/n-Chan” she replied, passing you the drink that was preordered.

“So.” You sigh.

“So? What’s wrong?” Kiyoko questioned.

“I don’t know what to get tetsu for his birthday...” you replied, taking a sip of your drink.

“I’m sure he’ll like anything you get him.” She reassured.

“Girl, but listen...This man got 4 cars, 3 houses, a visa black card, and a bad ass bitch. What more does he need...wtf do you be getting ryōsuke for his birthday??” You questioned

“Well, he usually likes anything I get him. It’s all about the thought y/n. You love him right? Any gift from your heart, he’ll like.” Kiyoko answered.

“Girrrr....you right, you right. Matter ah fact, I have an idea.” You grabbed your lil birkin bag and started to get out the chair “thank you shimizu! Make sure you get to the party at 7:30, tetsu’ll be back at 8!” You said as you rushed out the bar.

You made your way to the expensive lingerie store that was right next to the penthouse you live in with your husband. You quickly entered the store, looking around for something sexy, but cute, but nasty. Kuroo would never admit it, but he gets flustered easily. When you bend over, when you lean down infront of him and he gets a nice view of your tits, when your skirt’s a little too short, when you call him in the middle of a business meeting, and he has to excuse himself so he can fuck his fist to your moans and cries over the phone. You knew exactly how to rile him up, and that’s one of the things he loved about you.

You’ve been browsing the lingere sets at the store for a while, before you see it. A perfect thin, red, sexy, lingerie with garter belts. Not to toot your own horn or anything, but this would just make your skin pop. You quickly grab the set and pay for it, making your way back to the penthouse after.

———————————————————————

It was currently 7:58. Kuroo was expected to arrive at 8. Guests were under the table, hiding behind chairs, any possible place a person could squeeze themselves into. You were hiding under behind the kitchen counter with kiyoko. “Psst. Shimu,” you whispered.

“I’m right here y/n..” she replied.

“Right... anyway, guess what I got tetsu for his birthday.” You asked eagerly.

“Your love and affection??” She answered.

“Girl no...well yes...but no.” You said.

“Then what?” Kiyoko questioned.

“I got 𝐿𝒾𝓃𝑔𝑒𝓇𝒾𝑒.” You replied

“You’re making him wear lingerie??” She said.

“...😏” You smirked

“I’m kiddi-”

*clack*

The door to the penthouse opened slowly and everyone let out a big

“SURPRISE!”

Bokuto ran up to kuroo and gave him a big bear hug “HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO!” he exclaimed. Kuroo went around greeting everyone, and thanking them for showing up. You were still talking with kiyoko before he started to approach you. “I should leave you two alone.” She she said before walking away to talk with her own husband.

“You planned all of this for me, baby?” He cooed as he took you into his arms for a hug, “yessuh, anything for you.” You said nuzzling your face into his chest. He started to place small kisses down your neck “fuck...I missed you...” His breath was hot against your skin “not here...let’s wait till the party’s over okay, babe?” You wanted to, you wanted to so bad... but one thing about kuroo is he goes feral when you make him wait

———————————————————————

11:00. The last few guests had left a while ago, and kuroo had just got done finishing his shower after you had yours. He walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, his chiseled chest on full display. This man was always so damn fine, like whew fuck it’s getting hot in hea fr. He sat next to you and started kissing ur collar bone, slowly removing your robe from your skin.

“You don’t understand how bad I wanted to fuck you,” He whispered into your skin. “I was hard the entire night...”

He completely removed the robe from your skin. “Oya? What’s this, baby?”

“Surprise.” You moaned slightly as he slid his hands to grip your ass “tonight, I’ll let you do anything you want to me..”

He halted in his movements “anything?”

“Mhm~” you reassured

You reach down to palm him through the towel, “someone’s really excited.” You say as you stroke him slowly. “That’s because my girl looks so damn sexy right now...and she’s letting me do whatever I want tonight.” Kuroo reaches down to rub circles on your clit.

“Mm~” he stick his tongue down your mouth as you let out your moan. “You’re so wet...it’s seeping through your panties and spilling onto my fingers..” he grins “only for you, daddy..” you say.”

“Fuck..the whole day I was thinking about coming home and fucking you... I even jerked off to the thought of you at work today,” He flipped you over onto your hands and knees, “Now you’re here...all sexy for me.” The towel slid off, and so did your panties as well. “I’m gonna fuck you so good baby, you won’t be able to walk or talk after..” he cooed, rubbing his tip along your folds

“W-wait tetsu, you just not gon prep me or n-fuck!!” He slammed his cock into you with a deep groan.

“Just Shutup and t-take it... fuckk...you’re tight.” He moved in and out of your cunt at an agonizingly slow pace.

“Faster daddy..” you moaned out

“Yea? My baby’s feeling good?” He picked up his pace and started jamming into you harder. You lifted your body up slightly. “Stay the fuck down.” He growled as he grabbed your neck, not wanting to mess up your hair. “Fuck, you feel so fucking good baby.” He was picking up the paste and hitting that one spot he knew you liked. You were moaning loudly into the pillow before he flipped you over onto your back.

“I wanna see that pretty face when I fuck you.” He started fucking you slowly in mission watching his dick get covered in your cream as went in and out. He then took your hand and put it on your lower stomach. “You feel that baby?” He picked up his pace slightly. “You feel how deep I am? Fuck.” His eyes were tainted with lust, and cheeks painted with blush. Your hand felt each and every thrust he was putting into you.

“F-fuck tetsu, you’re so big..” you whimpered. Kuroo was always a sucker for praise. “Yea? Look at you, you’re such a good girl taking all of it.” He groaned out.

“Open your mouth baby.” He stuck two fingers in your mouth coating them in saliva, then slowly sheathing them into your other right hole. You whine out at the stretch. “I want both of my kitten’s holes to be filled tonight.” He let out as he stretched your ass.

“Shit, relax baby, you’re so tight you’re gonna cut off my circulation.”

“F-feels s’good” you moaned as he continued to satisfy both your holes. “C’mere baby.” He pulled you into the reverse cowgirl position. “You knew what you were doing naughty girl” he groaned as you bounced on his dick “shit...dressing up...fuck...like that.” You were squeezing him so tightly and it just felt so good.

“Yes, I knew..mm~” there was no point in lying, you knew exactly how kuroo would react. He landed a smack on your ass “I’ll have to punish you princess,” you heard a spit noise come from behind you, then felt a warm trail of saliva roll down onto you right puckered ass hole. Kuroo massaged the liquid around the hole “fuck, you think my dick would fit in here? My cum dripping out of you pussy and you ass? That’s so sexy..” you winced as he stuck his thumb inside. “Shi.. does it feel that good? You like that? You’re squeezing so tight, fuck.” He groped your ass, letting out a low moan.

“Suck your cream off my dick baby.”

“Yes daddy.” You replied getting off of him and on your knees. You take his girth cock into your mouth. You started bobbing your head quickly, tasting yourself on his dick. He place a firm grip on the top of your head. “Y-yes, just like tha...mm.. fuck.. your so good to me baby.” His hips started bucking into your mouth roughly, you could tell he was close “fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.”

He grabbed your head halting you to stop. “I wanna cum inside you..”

“Then do it daddy, cum inside me...”

“Fuck. Get on your hands and knees.”

He slid back into you once again letting out a deep moaning after regaining stimulation “how are you still this fucking t-tight...no matter how hard I fuck you...fuck.” He leaned forward and stuck his fingers in your mouth while pounding you into the mattress.

“Mm~ tetsu I’m close~” you whined out

“Yeah? Cum for me baby, milk my cock, I’m gonna stuff you so good.” Ah yes, an even more feral kuroo...truly delicous. “I’m gonna fill you up with my kids...fuck what if you get pregnant.” He groaned. “You’d look so cute with your tummy swollen.” He started picking up his paste, pounding into your sweet spot even harder. “Tetsu, I’m- nngh~ fuck.” Your orgasm washed over you, you were completely fucked out, but he still kept pounding into you.

“Fuck. That’s right, cum on my dick.” One of his arms were on the headboard while the other was wrapped so comfortably around your neck. “C’mon baby. Cum for me one more time. I know you can do it.” He grunted

“I c-cant tetsu.” Your body was still shaking in ecstasy. “Yes you can, c’mon” The hand around your neck reached down to rub your wet clit rough and fast. Needless to say he had you cumming in no time. “Fuck fuck fuck tetsu-”

“Shit, I’m almost there baby, just hold on for a littl- fuck.. bit more.” His thrust started to grow sloppy. “Fuck, I’m cu-uh..nngh.” He let out the most deep and beautiful moan as he spilled his seed into you with one last thrust. You fell onto your back and kuroo right on to of you.

“Fuck baby, that was the best birthday present ever.” He huffed, still out of breath

“Mm~ tetsu! You went too rough..now I’m finna be aching all day. My entire body hurts.” Yo complained.

“Atleast your sexy and in pain.” He said, placing a kiss on your forehead.

“Stfu.”

Fin.

———————————————————————

Did I proof read this? No🧜🏽‍♀️ anyways I wish kuroo a happy birthday mwah 🥰

Me writing plot: 🤮👺🤢👹

Me writing sex scenes: 😏🌝😜🥰

[letsgetusaghostfriend]

A Green Day concert, a bloody nose and a coming out – Sunset Curve & Green Day I

Summary: Luke and Bobby got them tickets for the Green Day show in LA on November 2nd 1994, also known as the night Billie Joe punched a homophobe and Alex came out to the guys.

Friendship fic, super Alex & Bobby centred, Luke and Reggie are not straight but don’t know that yet. Also, I know most people think Alex came out way earlier, but he has to not be out for this story to work.

((warnings: homophobia, homophobic language (not fully written out except in the band name of the opening act), slight violence, mentioned: alcohol, underage drinking (I am german, so for me it’s not underage drinking but yeah), in general: swearing))

word count: 4.9k, read here on AO3 x

~

Luke and Bobby got four tickets for the Green Day show in LA on November 2nd in 1994, it was one of Green Day’s bigger shows at that time. The boys previously have been to other concerts of the band, but the last one was in a small club in ’92, of course, all four of them being way too young for that place. Luke and Reggie were the first ones out of their group to get fake ID’s, mainly to go to gigs and play gigs. In the beginning, Alex thought he would never do the same, too scared of possible consequences, but then Luke used his stupid puppy eyes. (They still work even after Alex crush died, dead and buried). And if he was being honest, it was really helpful for playing clubs if the owners can at least pretend that they believe the four boys are old enough to be there.

Alex was aware that Green Day’s opening act, Pansy Division, was an all-gay band. And he was excited and scared at the same time. He found out because this one kid in his English class, Josh, went to the San Diego show earlier that week and told one of his friends that he shouldn’t go to the LA show as Green Day was just a bunch of “f*g lovers” and not worth their time. So Alex was scared: what if his friends would say the same thing?

They arrive late and the line is massive, Alex anxiety pitches in and reminds him that if it takes too long for them to get inside, he might miss Pansy Divisions performance. Logically he knows that they wouldn’t start letting people in so late that the opening band already starts when most people are not inside yet, but his anxiety is not that into logical thinking. He can’t help being fidgety, at one point Luke noticed and asks him if the crowd is making him uncomfortable. “Yeah, a little bit” Alex responds, not wanting further questions about why he was so anxious. The boys keep close to the bar, staying in the back first, not too excited to get into the crowd just yet. Alex knows the others would be inside the first mosh pit if it wasn’t for his anxiety, but not once did they show any signs of annoyance about his hesitancy. They just patiently wait for Alex to get used to the crowd and atmosphere, never angry when he has a bad day and he never signals that it is okay for them to go into the more crowded areas. Sometimes, especially when Luke doesn’t know where to put his energy he and Reggie go, but they always make sure that at least one person stays with Alex. He probably should tell them how thankful he is for this more often (the others would disagree here since they feel like Alex thanks them too much).

When Pansy Division started playing Alex didn’t expect them to actually sing about hooking up with guys at rock concerts, loving men, having real, deep and meaningful relationships and just, in general, doing normal daily life stuff, living with a boyfriend and how it feels after a breakup. He feels so excited, almost jumping up and down to the beat, not able to put his excited energy out on the drums like he would if it was their own concert. Alex completely forgets to check the guys for any reactions, too involved in the music. He doesn’t see that the other three boys enjoy Pansy Divisions music just as much as he does. He doesn’t see Bobby eyeing him from the side, a knowing glint in his eye.

Alex doesn’t know that Bobby saw the way Alex would look at Luke when they were 14, at Brian from History when they were 15, and how he sometimes looks at pictures from Billie Joe Armstrong in magazines. Bobby also didn’t miss Alex’ obsession with the song Coming Clean. The other boys sometimes forget about how Bobby’s parents are genuine open-minded people, who introduce him to a lot more diverse people than his friends’ parents do. So yes, maybe Alex was discreet enough for Mr Luke Oblivious Patterson and Captain Reg Oblivious Peters, and his parents who anyway only see what they want to see, but not for Bobby. Bobby, who might from an outsider’s perspective looks like he is standing a bit outside this friendship group due to him being less loud and sociable than his friends, but Bobby who loves his friends with all his heart, Bobby who truly sees his friends and knows that this is where he belongs. Seeing the absolute bliss, happiness and excitement streaming from Alex like waves is contagious.

After Pansy Division finished their set and there was a short break before Green Day would start theirs, Bobby slips from their group, mumbling that he would get another beer. Instead, he goes to buy Pansy Divisions EP, because the band was genuinely good but mostly because he knows Alex wouldn’t buy it, but he will definitely want it. On his way to the little corner where they sell the Green Day merch as well as Pansy Division stuff, Bobby realises that it was actually packed, but he soon saw that it was just a long long line for the Green Day merch. Actually, there are so many people he can’t even see the Green Day merch salesperson. He manages to get to the guy who took care of the Pansy Division stuff, he greets him with a head nod and a short “hey”, while scrambling his money out of his pant pockets to count it. He’ll have to nick a bit off of Luke’s beer later, not having enough money left to buy another one. When he reaches out to hand out the money for the CD somebody joins the guy who cared for the merch. Bobby recognises that it’s the singer of Pansy Division and he smiles at him. “Great performance, really enjoyed you guys’ music!”. The singer grins at that and holds out his left hand, which Bobby finds a bit strange, but takes it nonetheless.

“Jon, nice to meet you.”

“Bobby, pleasure is all mine.”

“Ah, you’re a musician yourself!” Jon says while checking out Bobby as if he could tell whether the kid in front of him was any good based on his appearance. It took the guitarist a second to realise that Jon must’ve felt his calloused fingers from playing the guitar during the handshake. “Yeah, I’m actually here with my bandmates.” A voice in his head, that sounds suspiciously like Reggie tunes in with “We’re Sunset Curve, tell your friends.” But Bobby pretty much felt like a child trying to play in the adults’ league, so he doesn’t say anything else. Jon grabs the CD he was about to buy and opens it while asking “So Bobby, is the CD for you or someone else?” Taken aback by that question Bobby tells him without thinking “We kind of always share records. Em, so maybe Sunset Curve?” Jon who was about to sign the inside of the CD case, pauses and looks up again “You’re in Sunset Curve?”

“Yeah, rhythm guitar.” He answers without much of a thought, it takes him two seconds then he adds: “You’ve heard of us?” Jon chuckles at Bobby’s shocked tone.

“Saw you play a few months ago. Didn’t remember your name till Mike mentioned one of your songs, always called you “the band with the cute drummer” actually.” Jon casually explained to a still shell-shocked Bobby. The comment about Alex makes him choke on his own spit though. Jon smirks, but before he can say more Bobby’s mouth starts talking before his brain gave its okay: “You saw us well enough to say that Alex is cute, but you didn’t recognise me?” After the words left his mouth, he feels his face heat up.

‘Way to embarrass yourself by having too much of an ego, Robert, great job’, he thought to himself. But Jon again laughs it off, as if he made a funny joke, smirks and asks if Alex was here tonight.

“He is,” Bobby says, voice cold, “he is also sixteen.”

Now it was Jon’s time to look embarrassed. “Oh shit, never mind then.” He pauses. “Sixteen is a bit young to play that club you played, isn’t it?” He pauses again. “You guys take this whole music thing seriously, I like that!”

More at ease again after Jon’s reaction to Alex’ age, Bobby’s brain finally catches up with everything Jon said before he called Alex cute.

“Wait, Mike as in Mike Dirnt? As in Mike Dirnt mentioned one of our songs?” he asks astounded. Jon laughs at the utter bewilderment that the younger one’s face was showing. But before he could say something about it a loud voice behind Bobby sneers: “Oh look at that, Bobby the f*g lover.” He turns around and sees Andrew from his math class. “Always knew at least one of you would be a shirt lifter!”

Bobby tries to take a deep breath before he answers but Jon beats him to it. “I would really think people were clever enough to listen to lyrics, but you still find the poser ones at these concerts, especially since Dookie got Green Day so popular outside of the scene!” Bobby needed a few seconds to realise that Jon wasn’t even talking to Andrew but instead just talked about him to Bobby and the guy selling the merch.

“Don’t you dare talk to me like that you fucking fairy!” Andrew sneers, stepping closer to Jon. As soon as Andrews anger is directed towards Jon and not Bobby anymore, the guitarists fight instinct kicks in.

“Fairy? Really?” he asks Andrew with a snigger in his voice, “Didn’t know we live in the 50s, Andrew. Learned all these terms from your daddy?” Bobby tries to make his voice sound as degrading as possible. For a second it seems like Andrew might shut up and leave but then Jon starts laughing loudly about Bobby’s comments and before anyone can react Andrew takes a swing and hits Jon right on the mouth. Without thinking, Bobby copies his action and the next thing he knows is that his hand hurts and Andrew has a red square on the side of his face. He glares at the guitarist and strikes again. This time the fist hits Bobby’s nose and he sees black stars in front of his eyes for a few seconds. After that, all hell is breaking loose and Bobby is being pushed around for what feels like a few minutes before he gets pulled aside and finds himself behind the selling booth with Jon by his side who has a busted lip that is still bleeding. Jon has a hand on the teen's shoulder and looks worried at him. “Fuck your nose does not look too good!” he says. Hearing the words Bobby brings his hand up to his nose and winces when he feels a sharp pain as soon as his fingers touch his nose. “Fuuuuuuuuck, Alex is going to kill me!” he groans at the thought of how the blond will react to seeing Bobby like this.

“Hey man, good punch you got on the dickhead there!” an excited voice states beside Bobby, which makes him turn his head probably a bit too quick, considering he just got punched in the face a few minutes before. But the guitarists' instincts were right: standing beside him was no other than Green Days’ singer, Billie Joe Armstrong. The blond (with fading blue in his hair) is smiling at Bobby and continues with “but I think mine was even better” while pointing at something behind Bobby, who turns around just in time to see security carrying a half-conscious Andrew out of the venue.

“You know that guy?”

“He goes to my school!” Bobby answers, still in awe looking after Andrew.

“Oh, you need to tell me about how he looks tomorrow, man I don’t miss high school but I’d love to go to school just to see that!” Billie Joe tells him and Jon, still sounding way too excited. When Bobby turns around again to look at the two musicians in front of him, he catches Jon telling Billie Joe that Bobby is part of the band they talked about the other day. Somehow getting even more excited by the news he fully turns back to Bobby. “Love that! We need more good people in this scene so we can make sure the music stays clean of dudes like that! Well, it was lovely punching homophobes with you Bobby, but I actually have a concert to play!”

And with that Billie Joe is gone through the door leading to the backstage area and Bobby looks at Jon hoping that he can find answers with him (like is he hallucinating?) but he just chuckles at the teenagers in awe face and takes the CD Bobby wanted to buy all along, as well as the money he had already paid and hands both back at the teen with the words “I think you paid enough for this already, thanks for sticking up for me!” And adding, when Bobby tries to give the money back again, “You better go so your bandmates don’t worry and you don’t miss the Green Day show!” Bobby thanks him and with a smile he makes his way back to the other boys while putting the money and the CD into his pockets.

When Alex finally sees Bobby come back to them, he feels relief washing over him. Alex always hates it when they split especially if one of them is on their own and Bobby has been gone for way too long. The first thing Alex notices is that Bobby doesn’t carry any beer or anything else that he could’ve brought from a bar, the second thing is that Bobby’s nose is bleeding. The easing relief is instantly replaced by worry as Alex's brain catches up with his eyes. As soon as the guitarist reaches them Alex starts searching his fanny pack for tissues and anything else that can help with a bloody nose, all while berating Bobby about getting into a fight. Reggie and Luke excitedly ask Bobby about it, but when their bleeding bandmate tries to tell them about what happened Alex just shushes him and gestures for him to look up so that he can take a better look at his nose. While Alex is still cleaning up Bobby’s face the crowd starts cheering and Alex turns around quickly to confirm his suspicion that the main act finally made it on stage. He keeps on cleaning his friends face from now slightly dried blood when he hears Billie Joe's voice over the speakers.

“Sorry guys, I know we’re late, but I had to punch a homophobe…” The rest of the sentence does not reach Alex’ brain as he looks at one of his best friends, whose nose was bleeding after obviously being punched and all he can hear is white noise, while the realisation, that Bobby being the homophobe who was just punched by Green Days’ singer, sets in. He feels a sharp sting in his chest all while feeling overwhelmed by fear, cold naked fear. And his thoughts race through his brain, too fast to actually make any sense, all he knows is that his worst nightmare seems to be coming true: the people he trusts the most will eventually leave him. They will hate him. They will think he is disgusting, and they will leave him. Unconsciously he takes a step back from Bobby, taking both his hands off his friends face but before he can totally spiral into his thoughts, he is caught by Bobby who holds the drummer by his wrists and looks at him like Alex offended him deeply.

“Seriously?” Bobby’s voice comes out sharper than he probably intended, softening his tone as he sees Alex flinch at him, “You actually think I am homophobic? Fuck Alex do you really think that poorly of me?” The guitarists' words and face are both filled with what Alex can only describe as hurt. Bobby attempts to say more but he is cut off by Billie Joe's voice coming over the speakers saying his name.

“A special thanks to Bobby from Sunset Curve! Make sure you check them out they’re a local band that’ll make it big one day, I’ll promise you! I swear, give them less than a year and they’ll be playing here on this very stage! Thanks, Bobby, for helping me punch a dickhead!” And with that they start into their first song, leaving the boys standing completely mind blown in the back, each one trying to comprehend what just happened. After a few seconds, Reggie, Luke and Alex all turn to Bobby with questioning faces, but Bobby concentrates on Alex’ face. “Do you believe me now?” When Alex nods the, still bleeding, guitarist feels relief wash over him. “Good! Because I already have your Christmas present and I literally know no one else who has the same taste that you have!” He actually manages to make Alex smile with his stupid comment, feeling like they might be okay again, he holds onto Alex’ sleeve, needing something to ground him, knowing that Alex is uncomfortable with public affection. He turns to Luke and Reggie who as soon as they have his attention try to bombard him with questions, but he stops them and promises to tell them later.

___

After the concert:

When they leave the venue, a wave of, for L.A. unusually cold air, hits Bobby’s face and clears his head a little, making it easier to think about everything that had happened. As he was the first one out of the four to step out in the cold air, he takes a deep breath before turning around to see the other three boys walk up to him. He notices that Alex pulls his jean jacket tighter around his body, clearly not enjoying the cold air as Bobby does. He smiles at Bobby and then follows Reg and Luke who started walking towards the side street where they parked the van before the concert. The two boys talk animatedly about the Green Days show, analysing every detail. Seeing one of their favourite bands live did distract the two enough for them to not ask any further questions, right now. Alex smile tells Bobby that the same did not count for the blonde boy. Bobby jogs up to Alex to walk beside him, but when he tries to initiate a conversation with his bandmate, the blonde just shakes his head and mumbles, that he has things to think, but as if to calm Bobby down, Alex takes his hand and squeezes it before they reach their van. The van they brought because they actually started to be able to book enough gigs to pay for it (and to actually need it), they all paid for it, even though they don’t talk about the fact that Bobby paid the biggest part, with him having the only parents who actually support the band.

Bobby is driving, with Alex in the passenger seat lost in his thoughts and Luke and Reggie in the back, trying to get Bobby to finally tell them about what happened at the venue. The guitarist promises to tell them as soon as they arrive at the garage, but despite the impatience from Luke and Reggie to find out about everything they still have a quick stop at a small diner on their way home to get their after-concert food.

Alex, Reggie and Luke all go straight for the couch while bobby prefers sitting on the floor, facing them. For a few seconds they all munch happily but soon Luke starts bugging Bobby about what happened at the club, so he puts his sandwich aside and takes a short breath. He doesn’t know where to start, he kind of wants Alex to know that he got the CD for him, but he doesn’t want to put any pressure on Alex, nor does he want the other two to find out about Alex liking boys before Alex wants them to.

“So,” Bobby starts, “we all really liked Pansy Division, right?” he asks with a nervous laugh tinting his words. He looks at the three boys on the couch for confirmation and gets it from two of the boys while Alex looks like he gets scared by the simple indication that he might have really liked the queer band they all saw tonight. Bobby acts like he didn’t see it while deciding, that he won’t tell the blond that Jon was hitting on him. That might be a bit much information for one night. “Well, I thought,” he continues while pulling out the CD he brought earlier “I’ll get us their CD.” He waves the CD then places it on the table in front of the couch so the guys can look at it.

“And that’s where I met one of the band members, Jon, he is the singer.” He looks up at his friends who all stare at him with a mixture of shock and curiosity on their faces, even Alex nervousness seems replaced. ‘I didn’t even get to the really shocking parts yet’, Bobby thought to himself.

“Okay, so we got talking, he found out I play in a band and when he asks for a name to use to sign the CD I just said Sunset Curve, because we always share records, like I mean I don’t even know who owns what anymore!” Luke looks dead serious while nodding his head, Alex starts smiling slightly and Reggie looks like he is trying really hard to separate their shared music collection in his head.

“Anyway, it turns out he saw one of our shows earlier this year and apparently, he was talking about one of our songs with Mike, but before you get too excited, I couldn’t ask him about it because that dick Andrew from my math class interrupted us. He called me a – eh, never mind” he stops himself, giving Alex a short glance – “he started calling me and Jon names and I kind of started making fun of him for using really outdated terms and when Jon laughed about that, Andrew hit him and then I hit Andrew and he hit me back and suddenly everything got crazy. Next thing I know is that I am behind the merch booth with Jon and Billie Joe Armstrong, and Andrew is being carried outside by security.” He tries to rush the words out fast enough so that Luke doesn’t stop him because of the band being recognised and Alex doesn’t stop him because he hit someone.

“And then Billie Joe finds out I am in Sunset Curve and he says something about it being good that more good people will keep the scene going or something and then he pretty much left to play the show and Jon gave me the CD and I went back to you guys so you wouldn’t worry too much.” When he finally finishes his story, he is staring at three really shocked looking faces.

“Mike Dirnt and Billie Joe both know of Sunset Curve?”

“Who knew Bobby is such a badass!”

“You hit Andrew?”

All three started talking at the same time, but then Alex stands up and he looks real mad and everyone else shuts up. Bobby looks at him. “Alex, I didn’t plan to, it just happened. I got so mad when he started calling Jon these awful names and when he hit him, I just snapped.”

“What about our no fighting rule, huh?”

“So, when someone is being super homophobic, I am just supposed to do nothing?”

At that moment Bobby realises that Alex didn’t process until now that Andrew was using homophobic slurs against Bobby and Jon. He sees Alex anger vanish from him in mere seconds, replaced by fear and sadness settling in his eyes. Lips pressed into a thin line Alex sits down on the couch again. It breaks Bobby’s heart to see his friend like this. They all stay silent for a while.

“What did he say?” Alex asks with a voice so quiet Bobby almost misses it.

“Alex,” he sighs, “I am pretty sure you don’t want to know!”

With that Alex's eyes, which were glued to his hands before, snap up and meet Bobby’s. “You know, don’t you?” Alex asks Bobby, seemingly completely forgetting that the other boys are in the room.

Bobby does not know what to answer, not wanting to make Alex come out because he feels like he has to, or because Bobby figured it out already. “I only know what you want me to know, everything else is just a hunch.” He finally settles on.

Alex laughs. “So, you definitely know, and I actually thought I was being subtle.”

“I still love you, you know that, right?” Bobby just needs Alex to know that. Even if this is a weird one, Bobby wants this to be the reaction Alex gets for his first coming out.

It takes Alex a few seconds but finally, he looks up again, searching Bobby’s face for any trace of him lying. As Alex realises that the boy in front of him means what he said he feels like the biggest wave of relief washes over him. This, black-haired, awkward and quiet boy in front of him, who buys CD’s from queer bands, punches one of his classmates because he was being a homophobic bigot to a complete stranger and whose first reaction to Alex half-assed coming out is to tell him that he still loves him. This boy, who is so uncomfortable with most people touching him, who still wants to hold all of their hands all the time, calling them grounding. This boy, who would probably punch more people to protect them because he gets crazy protective about the people he cares about. And suddenly it’s difficult not to start crying and Alex feels like his voice will break if he tries to talk so he just nods.

And in that second, knowing he has Bobby on his side for this, he decides that he wants them all to know. So, he gets up from the couch and “gets on the runway” as Luke likes to call Alex’ nervous walking occasionally. After walking up and down three times, he suddenly stops, turns to Luke and Reg who look super confused by what is happening and he blurts out “Iamgay” so fast that there was no way that any of the guys could’ve understood a single word. So, he takes a deep breath and repeats: “I am gay” while standing there, eyes closed, and breath held.

“Oh, that…” Luke starts, but he gets interrupted by Reggie who says: “That makes so much sense, that is why you were staring at Brian so much last year! That really confused me, man!”

“I was... I was not staring at Brian Denver!” Alex sputters embarrassment creeping in his cheeks.

“You totally were, you even knew who Reg was talking about right away!” Luke laughs and gets up to pull Alex in a big hug, squeezing him tight. Reggie gets a hold of them and pulls them down on the couch where he squeezes between them, and wooshes through Alex’ hair affectionately. Alex, now half sitting on the couch and half lying on Reggie looks up to Bobby, who stands awkwardly in front of the couch. As the other two notice Bobby as well they all kind of freeze in their cuddle pile. Even as Bobby was more comfortable touching his bandmates than he was with touching his parents, or literally anyone else, he still never expressed any interest in being part of a cuddle pile before. Seeing how all of his friends stopped as he approached, the guitarist started taking a step back, but Alex stopped him by holding out his hand for Bobby to take. It takes him a few seconds but finally, he lets himself being pulled on top of Alex into the cuddle pile and even though it feels strange at first he likes the feeling of Alex’ soft t-shirt under his cheek, Reggie’s arm around his waist and the smell of Luke’s cologne.

Later that night Bobby snatches a picture of his best friends still cuddling on the couch hours later, now all fast asleep. He hasn’t shown that picture to anyone except for his daughter when she finds out about the band 25 years later and he decides to tell her about the loves of his life, even if most people wouldn’t recognise them as it since it was purely platonic love. And even though he got married, he never loved anyone as much, with the exception of his daughter, as he loved the three boys who left him when he was just 17 years old.

The next day Bobby snatches a picture of Andrews black eye. He shows that picture to Billie Joe, backstage at an event he attempts without his best friends after the man recognises him as the kid with whom he punched a homophobe. After that Bobby leaves the event early, not being able to hold up the image of Trevor, too consumed by grieve and guilt. Guilt over not being able to protect them. Guilt over not dying with them. Guilt over using their songs.

[fallingfor-fics]

Teachers Pet- chapter 10: around the corner

All chapters

chapter 9

It was the next day and I was heading to Snape’s for my private lessons during lunch. And I had so much on my mind. I still haven't given Dumbledore an answer about the Yule ball, I had private lessons with Snape, and I had another detention. Crap. I have to tell Snape I can't go to his lessons after dinner because I had to go to Lockhart’s for detention at the same time. How was I gonna tell him that he would probably be so angry and think I'm wasting his time. I stopped by the Great Hall and snagged an apple to tie me over til dinner, taking my time to think of how I was gonna tell Snape.

 I don't know why I cared so much, I'm sure he's not really gonna care that much. I stopped outside Snape's room and knocked on the door and waited for a response. Instead it just opened and I saw him working at his desk. I walked in and sat at my seat. "Good afternoon Sir, how's your day been?" I asked, smiling at him and taking a bite of my apple.. He ignored me and continued what he was working on. We sat in silence for about five minutes till I spoke up again. "Professor?" I said looking at him. "L/n will you give me one moment?" he said annoyed and more of a fact then a question. "Yeah of course sorry." I said looking down and taking another bite. "And must you crunch so obnoxiously?" he added. "Wow someones in a mood" I muttered to which he glared in response. "Some annoying first years I presume? They really are awfully annoying" I said as I played with the fabric of my robes. "Yes, very much so, much like a sixth year I know." He retorted looking back up at me. I just smiled in response.

He spent the time going over the half written essay I turned in and helping me understand the material better until I could successfully finish writing it. He was still knocking off 10 points for it being late now but I'd take what I can get. Before I knew it the bell rang startling me a bit. I gathered my things and prepared to head to DADA. "Oh Professor I wanted to tell you something" I said walking back up to his desk holding my books across my chest. "Well spit it out" he said, not looking up. "I can't make the lessons after dinner" this caused him to look up and I could tell he was not happy. "You mean to tell me I take time from my day just for y-" "Wait wait let me explain first please!" he gave me a look for interrupting him but waited for me to continue. "So you know Professor Lockhart?" I asked looking into his eyes, I could see the shift in them when I mentioned that awful man's name. "I'm afraid I do, I also know he's a fool, but what about him?" "Well in class yesterday he made me be partners with him and be an example for the class for the spell Petrificus Totalus and he just left me on the floor for almost the whole class," I could see Snape's eyes turn from annoyance to some other emotion I hadn't figured out just yet, and his face dropped a little, almost as if he was concerned? He was probably just tired though, I told myself. "And when he finally stepped away from me, Harry was able to undo it, and so towards the end of class..." I paused for a moment scared he might agree with Lockharts punishment. "Yes?" he drawed out looking at me with a look that was definitely concern this time. "I cast the same spell on him and then eventually once everyone left I undid it and then he gave me detention and so that's why I can't make it to our lessons!" I spat out in one breath. His expression seemed to lighten a bit, relief washing over him and call me crazy, but it looked as if the corners of his mouth raised a little. Was he..about to smile? Just then he slowly pinched the bridge of his nose. "Merlin Y/n" he said and it almost sounded like he wanted to laugh. Wait did he just call me Y/n. I think that's the first time he's done that. "Anyways I wanted to say sorry." I said trying to hide my own smile after reliving the events from yesterday. "Dont worry about it, and inform Lockhart that you will not be serving your detention with him, instead you will serve detention with me. And we will use the time to work" he said getting up and preparing his class for the students that would soon flood in. "You're not angry with me?" I asked turning to look at him writing stuff on the board. "No Ms. L/n I am not, I actually completely understand, that idiot did that to himself, you just needed the practice, that's all, now get out and go to class." he said back in his normal stern voice. I nodded "Thank you Sir." and left his room.

I exited his room and a small smile appeared on my face, he was so..nice for doing this for me, he didn't have to, but he did. Maybe Dumbledore was right after all, he can be reasonable, and sweet almost. He saved me from an awful afternoon with Lockhart and this kind gesture would not go unrewarded. I felt heat rise to my cheeks and I just shook it off as I entered the DADA classroom. I walked up to Lockharts desk and he looked up at me smiling as if yesterday never happened. "Ah Y/n i'm excited to see you in detention later, I hope you have not forgotten" he let out with a smug look on his face. "Actually, Professor Snape ordered me to serve detention with him instead." I said smiling. His smile dropped quickly, "What?! No You are to serve it with me!" he said, raising his voice a bit causing a few students to look his way. "Sorry, you'll have to take it up with Professor Snape" I said, now I had the smug look as I shrugged my shoulders and walked to my seat. The rest of class Lockhart gave me disappointed looks any chance he could get.

Potions had ended and I was in the library studying with Draco during our free period for a test Snape had assigned for tomorrow, and I was determined to pass this one. Well I was studying. He was just being distracting, but we agreed to do this everyday and then just walk to Dinner together after. "Y/n I wanted to ask you a question" he said looking at me. "Shoot" I said as I continued studying. "Well I was wonderi-" he was cut off by Hermione coming up and tapping me on the shoulder "Y/n can you come with me?" she said. "Beat it Granger y/n and I were talking!" Draco spat at her. "Dont worry Draco you can ask whatever it was at dinner ok? I'll see you later." I said excusing myself and following Hermione out of the library. "Whats up?" I asked as we walked to the great hall since dinner was gonna start soon anyway. "Well two things actually, one is it true that you cast a spell on Lockhart and then got detention?" she asked shocked. "Wow news travels fast, um yeah its true, and then snape took over the detention so I actually have to go to his room, which worked out cause of our lessons" "You are crazy its like youre trying to be thrown out of Hogwarts!" she said, shoving my arm gently. "Well i'm not and he deserved it! He did it to me first and wouldn't undo it so I didnt back, for practice" I said smiling "anyways what's the second thing?" she grew quiet and began blushing a bit. "Hermioneeee tell me!" I said poking her. "Ok well, um, Ron asked me to the dance!" she said with a grin. "OH MY GOSH that's so EXCITING!" I practically yelled "I know and I said yes!" "Well I would hope so!" I said, hugging her. "Wait isn't the dance not for like another two months." I asked. "Um y/n where's your head gone! It's already November 30th! The dance is in 25 days" she exclaimed. "Oh crap. I still haven't given Dumbledore an answer. I don't know where the time went!" I said stressing out a bit. "Wait, give him an answer about what?" she asked, confused. "Oh yeah there's something you should know, I never mention it because it's not really relevant, but he asked me to sing at the yule ball..." I said almost in a whisper. "You can sing?" "Yeah I used to take lessons and everything, but I haven't done it in front of people in 2 years, but I know he'll be upset if I decline.." "Well you don't want to disappoint the Headmaster not to mention your godfather." she responded. "Yeah I guess you're right, I guess I'm gonna be singing at the yule ball.

[sassyandclassy94]

Hi, there! These last few days have been pretty chaotic and stressful for just about everyone around these parts, so I was wondering if maybe you could share any fun headcanons you might have about Emma or Nealfire? <3 Or even any AU ideas for the two of them? :0

Hi there!!! Thank you so much for this ask (these things excite me like crazy and they’re even better when they’re SwanFire-related!)! Things have been pretty stressful but I for one am feeling better about things - at least right now anyway. Anyhoo, I can’t wait to answer and share these!! You might wanna sit down though... it’s gonna be quite the list. *drags my notebook out from under my bed* Literally. Shall we get started? *cracks knuckles* Let’s go!

SwanFire Headcanons

SwanFire has (have? It’s late... I’m having grammar brainfades😖Or it was when I started this; now I’m too lazy to proofread. Bear with me) three children after Henry. All girls: Ivy, Ella, and Ruth (Ruthie).

Emma gets cold easily, resulting in her either taking a heating pad to bed with her, or letting one of her children sleep in her bed with her when Neal is out of town.

Baelfire/Neal reads out loud to his kids every night before they go to bed.

Though not as avid a reader as Neal, Emma still enjoys reading, her favorite genre being dark thrillers (Karin Slaughter, hello hello). Sometimes, though she doesn’t like to admit it, if the plot is particularly intense, she’s left a little spooked, resulting in her snuggling up closer to Neal after he turns out the light. (Cute, I KNOW!!)

Emma has a hard time relating to and comforting her second child, Ivy, because of their very different personalities.

They always let their children name their pets, even if the names are borderline preposterous.

Neal is a morning person while Emma is not (although she will be if she has to be); both are also night owls when they want to be...🙊

Neal is a fairly good cook (Emma? Not so much) and does most of the cooking (happily I might add). Sometimes, with the best intentions, Emma will try her hand at making something special and gets really mad and frustrated with herself for messing it up. (Baelfire will eat it anyway though, with a stupid smile on his face - that was inspired by one of LilRedSoupBowl’s fanfics but🤫)

*NSFW WARNING* Though it’s pretty much even, Emma initiates many of their ‘nights of passion’🙈 (she’s so bad...)

*MIST HAVEN* Baelfire is gone a lot because of the duties required of the Mist Haven Army which results in his and Emma’s fair share of nasty disputes (they fight as hard as they love) *STORYBROOKE and a nod to him and Emma being the only ones who were able to leave town* He’s out of town a lot because of having to go to different estate auctions (at least that’s what my dad told me...? I don’t know if that’s accurate or not) to find more antiques for his father’s pawn shop. In both worlds/realities, Emma just ‘survives’ while he’s gone. (A nod to my favorite mom/lifestyle blogger and real life OTP, Janene and Aaron Crossley)

Neal is very clumsy (in both worlds/realities), resulting in some awkward and laughable situations

Emma really enjoys soaking in a bath and it’s one of her main means of relaxing and de-stressing. While Baelfire’s main mean of relaxing and de-stressing is drawing and sketching

Emma hates beets and turnips with a burning passion and refuses to eat them. Even the smell of them cooking makes her want to gag.

Baelfire detests goats with a burning passion - so does Charming and they could literally rant about it all day long. Emma and Snow think it’s rather hilarious .

Emma has a pronounced scar just above her left breast from a wound she received when she was four years old. Regina tried (rather unsuccessfully) to wipe out the Charming line. She says she remembers the attack like it was yesterday.

*This is more a Mist Haven one* Bae and Emma named their second child Ivy because she was born a month before Christmas and ivy was one of the things they used to decorate for Christmas back then. (My best friend LOVES that one, if anyone cares, lol) Plus, I personally think ‘Princess Ivy of Mist Haven flows rather nicely.

SwanFire loves Christmas and always decorates for it on the first Saturday of November. Emma hates untangling they lights though and happily leaves all that frustrating stuff to Neal.

Every time Emma was pregnant Baelfire hoped for and insisted the baby was a girl (hey! He was right 3 outta 4 times - not a bad track record).

Neal is a fan of anything pumpkin. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin soup, pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin ice cream (that’s a thing, by the way. A Byrne Dairy exclusive), you name it. If it has pumpkin in it, he’ll eat it. Emma thinks it’s kinda adorable.

*Trigger warning: miscarriage* Emma suffered two miscarriages within months of each other (the first one at 10 weeks, the second one at 16 weeks😭) between Ella and Ruthie🥺 which resulted in her going into a deep and dark depression. (I might make this one into a fic so I’m gonna keep it vague because of !SPOILERS!)

Emma’s a big fan of the show ‘Castle’ and hardcore ships Caskett (Castle fans!! Where you at???). Neal claims he could take or leave the show but he sure answers real quick when Emma leaves the room for a second and asks, “What did I miss?” He’s also super quick to laugh at the funny banters between Ryan and Esposito.

Their kids are tucked into bed by 8:30 pm every night except Friday, when they get to stay up till a big whopping 9:00 pm (LOL! So not a inspired by my own childhood)

Emma’s favorite movies are ‘Titanic’, ‘The Notebook’, and ‘A Walk to Remember’ and although she loves them, she also hates them because they make her cry every single time and she HATES to cry. Bonus: Every time she watches them with Neal she looks up to see him crying too... (It’s so cute when men cry over sad romance movies😍😭)

*TRIGGER WARNING: Menstruation* Emma’s time of the month is really unpleasant for her during her first three days - she’s a heavy bleeder and gets really bad cramps and back pain and won’t take Advil for it because all that does is make them come back with a vengeance the next morning. She’ll find relief in curling up on the couch in the fetal position with a heating pad pressed against her lower belly. Sometimes that’s the sight that Baelfire will come home to and when he sees that, he knows to kinda give her space. He’ll ask her if she needs anything but her answer is usually peace and quiet. (“Take the kids and just LET ME TAKE A FREAKING NAP!”)

That’s about all I can think of for now - I have a few others too but I’m not 100% comfortable sharing those on here yet (they’re a little NSFW) but perhaps someday🤗 Thank you so much for this ask, it was really fun and I hope you (and everyone else who sees this) enjoys them!

[ericsonclan]

A Part of the Family

Summary: The Everetts are getting ready for Christmas and Louis gets to tag along for some holiday fun.

Word Count: 2539

Read on A03:

“New stockings! New stockings!” AJ chanted, bouncing happily in the backseat of Clementine’s car. The boy had been crestfallen when Lee had opened up a box of holiday decorations only to find that water had seeped in and wrecked most of them, their stockings included. But once it had been announced that new stockings would be bought, he immediately brightened up, excited by the opportunity to decorate his own stocking and also the possibility of an even bigger stocking than before.

Clementine and Louis shared a knowing smile as they looked back at the boy and then at each other. Louis had been at the house to help the Everetts with decorating for Christmas when the damaged box was discovered. So after the lights had all been strung round the house and the Christmas tree decorated, he’d tagged along with Clementine and A.J. on their quest to get new stockings.

Pulling into the parking lot, Clementine looked towards their neighborhood Target. “Doesn’t look too busy. I think the cold is keeping people away,”

“That and people are probably procrastinating till the last second when it comes to buying gifts,” Louis noted.

Clementine chuckled at the slight tone of judgment within Louis’ voice. He took his gift giving very seriously. All his gifts had been bought back in November, but additional gifts were constantly being added to the pile as he spotted more “perfect” presents that he simply couldn’t pass up. The boy was lucky he came from money, otherwise he’d bankrupt himself each Christmas.

Hopping out of the car, the trio walked hand in hand, A.J. swinging Louis’ and Clementine’s arms back and forth as he scampered along between them. Once they had cleared a patch of ice, Clementine and Louis lifted their arms and swung A.J. back and forth between them, joining his excited laughter with their own. Stepping through the entrance, they all let out a breath of relief as the warmth hit them.

“There’s a shopping cart!” A.J. cried, running forth excitedly and grabbing the first cart he spotted.

“Remember, goofball, we’re just here for the stockings, not anything else,” Clementine cautioned.

“Well, if we see something really awesome then maybe I could pick it up for you…” Louis offered before pausing when he saw Clementine raise an eyebrow. She’d already given him a talk about the half dozen early Christmas presents he’d given A.J. and how he was setting unrealistic expectations for Christmas day. Giving a sheepish grin, Louis clammed up and settled for holding his girlfriend’s hand while she picked up a red shopping basket with the other.

Going down the Christmas aisles at Target, the trio soon reached an aisle that was completely covered with stockings on one side. There were plenty of different pre-made designs that ranged from snowmen to reindeer to snowflakes, but Clementine strode past of all of them and grabbed four blank red stockings.

“Four?” Louis asked curiously.

“Of course. There’s one for you too,”

Louis blushed happily at that, a flustered smile crossing his face.

A.J.’s eyes bugged out at the news. “Does that mean Louis is spending Christmas morning with us so he gets to open his stocking in the morning too?”

Clementine shook her head. “Sorry, kiddo, but I bet Louis wants to spend Christmas with his own family-” she paused when she caught Louis looking at the floor. “Aren’t you?”

“Well, my dad’s gonna be out of the country Christmas day closing a business deal in Japan and my mom’s celebrating Christmas with her husband and Phil so I just mailed them their gifts ahead of time. I usually crash Marlon’s Christmas since his parents don’t mind but he might actually be spending most of the day with Sophie now that they’re dating. And Violet is going on a road trip with Prisha so…”

“Louis, if you want to spend Christmas morning with us, all you have to do is ask,” Clementine said, a smile crossing her lips. “We would love to have you,”

“Really?” Louis’ eyes widened in excitement. I mean if Lee doesn’t mind-”

“He won’t. If anything, he’ll be just as excited as A.J. is,” Clementine glanced down at her little brother who was practically buzzing with excitement.

“Well then, if everybody wants it… I’d love to spend Christmas with you guys,” Louis’ smile grew at his statement.

“Yeah! Louis is coming for Christmas! This is gonna be the best Christmas ever!” A.J. declared, wrapping his arms round Louis’ waist in a tight hug. Louis affectionally patted A.J.’s afro as Clementine looked on happily. It warmed her heart to see how taken A.J. was with Louis.  A few months into their relationship and it already felt like he was part of the family,”

“Well then,” Louis cleared his throat before nodding towards the basket. “Are we ready to check out?”

“We should probably pick up a few other things first. Glitter glue, puff paint, cotton balls, stuff like that,”

“Then away we go to the craft aisle!” Louis pointed his finger dramatically and began to stride off until he paused and looked back. “Do either of you know where the craft aisle is?”

Clementine rolled her eyes good naturedly. “Follow me, you two,”

 ---

About a half hour later they were back home. Lee, who had been busy in the kitchen while they’d been gone, greeted them at the door with a smile, his red apron dusted with flour as well as his hands. “Welcome back, you three. There’s hot cocoa on the table if you want to set up there,”

“Thanks, Lee. Ooh, is that cookies I smell?” Clementine asked, taking off her coat and setting it on the rack by the door.

“Yup. Sugar cookies – your favorite. Dusted them with red and green sprinkles and everything,”

“COOKIES!” A.J. shouted, booking it toward the kitchen.

“Only two to start out with, son, then we’ll see if you can handle more from there!” Lee called. He turned back to the couple with a smile, shaking his head. “That boy’s got me feeling my age. All I want to do is settle down with my hot coca by the tree but here he is tearing through the house like he hasn’t already been doing that all day,”

“He’ll refocus when we get the stocking supplies out. Louis?” Clementine looked back at her boyfriend who held up the bag of supplies.

“Got em right here,”

“Great. We’ll lay everything out on the kitchen table so we can get started while we snack,”

Bringing the supplies into the kitchen, they all worked together to clear off spots for each person to have their own workstation with space for their hot cocoa and plate of cookies as well. After a few minutes dedicated to eating their winter goodies they opened up the supplies and each person began to strategize on how they would decorate their personal stocking.

“I’m doing Disco Broccoli!” A.J. declared loudly, grabbing the red and green puff paint. “But I’m putting him in a Santa suit!”

“That sounds great, kiddo,” Lee replied with a smile. He had taken the brown paint and was beginning to lay it copiously across his stocking. Clementine eyed his choice of color warily.

“What are you making over there. A yule log?”

“Oh, I guess it sort of looks like that now, huh? No, I’m trying to recreate the crossing of the Delaware. Figure it’d be the perfect choice since it happened on Christmas Day. It may be a bit ambitious considering my skills, but I’m sure I’ll get by,”

Clementine shook her head, smiling. Her father’s love of American history really did make its way into every facet of life. Grabbing another tube of red puff paint, she began to write her name neatly atop the border of her stocking. Looking over, she saw that Louis was watching her closely, a tube of green puff paint in his hands. Slowly and delicately, he began to write his own name upon his stocking just as she had done with hers.

“Glad you could join us, Louis,” Lee commented, smiling over at the young man with approval.

“It’s an honor to be here, sir,” Louis replied, a shy smile on his face.

“Just call me Lee, son. You know that by now,”

Louis nodded quickly, his eyes falling back upon his work. It was clear that being around Lee sometimes still overwhelmed him. Clementine figured it was because he felt he had so much to prove. But in her eyes, he’d already proved himself already and she knew that Lee for the most part felt the same way. Clearing her throat, she decided to announce what had been decided on the shopping outing.

“A.J. and I invited Louis to spend Christmas morning with us,”

Louis’ eyes shot over to Clementine’s and then to her father, clearly nervous. But Lee’s reaction made it immediately clear his fear was unfounded.

“That sounds wonderful. There’s always room for another round the Christmas tree. I guess we’ll be keeping your stocking at our house then, right, Louis?”

“Yes, sir. Lee! Yes, Lee,”

Lee smiled encouragingly. “I’m sure our Christmas will be all the merrier with you there,” His approval seemed to set Louis’ mind at ease. The boy’s shoulders relaxed, and he returned to working on his stocking with a calmer focus than he’d had before.

As time progressed their stockings truly started to take form. Clementine was going for a classic look with a Christmas tree upon her stocking. The tree had always been one of her favorite parts of Christmas: picking it out, setting it up, decorating and basking in the glow of the Christmas lights. There had been many years without that after the death of her parents, but Lee had brought back the joy of welcoming in Christmas in full force. The Everetts always went big with their Christmas tree, getting at least an eight footer and decking it out with so many ornaments it was a wonder the branches didn’t collapse under their weight.

“Wow, Clem, that looks awesome!” A.J. commented, his eyes practically sparkling in admiration. His own stocking was smeared with all sorts of paints and spurts of glitter now, but if you squinted you could make out the concept of Disco Broccoli within the chaos.

“Thanks, goofball. Yours is looking really groovy too,” Clementine grinned when A.J. beamed at that description. Thanks to Disco Broccoli, he’d been calling everything he liked “groovy”. Glancing across the table at Lee’s stocking, Clementine tried to stifle a chuckle but only half succeeded.

Lee raised an eyebrow as he heard the sound, smiling over at his daughter. “What? Are you not impressed with my rendition of Crossing the Delaware thus far?” He held up his stocking so they all could see his work, leading to tittering laughter all around.

“It looks like poos with Christmas hats on!” A.J. chortled at the sight.

“Now I don’t think it’s that bad,” Lee protested, glancing back at his work. Sure you can’t really make out who anyone is considering they’re all stick figures and it sorta looks more like they’re floating on a cloud than paddling through the water, but it’s certainly a unique design,”

“Oh, definitely. The Christmas hats were an inspired design choice,” Louis replied, his smile growing when he saw Lee nod in approval at his comment.

“Thank you! I’m glad somebody enjoys my artistic efforts!”

Clementine looked over to see how Louis’ stocking was comparing to all of theirs and her eyes widened in surprise. She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting, but surely not something so… delicate. Louis’ stocking was covered in a myriad of pale blue music notes of all sorts and scattered among them were falling snowflakes done in white glitter puff paint. Each snowflake had a heart at its center, giving an air of romance to the entire design.

Catching Clementine looking at his work, Louis paused in his careful application of another music note, grabbing a cookie and stuffing it in his mouth instead of coming up with something to say.

“I knew I was dating a musician but not an artist to boot,” Clementine commented, pausing in her own work to nab another cookie.

Louis smiled shyly at the praise before a playful smirk emerged. “Yours is looking impressive too, though may I suggest one addition? Instead of the classic star atop the Christmas tree, what if instead you had…” he paused, grabbing an orange pompom and placing it on the stocking, “a clementine?”

Lee chuckled. “That’s a good one, Louis,”

“Yeah, it’s like Clem’s own special tree!” A.J. stated happily.

Clementine rolled her eyes at the unanimous approval but couldn’t keep a smile from showing. “Alright then. If you all insist,”

“Hooray!” Louis leaned forward and placed a quick kiss upon Clementine’s cheek. “I knew you’d recognize my genius someday!”

That one definitely had Clementine rolling her eyes again. She was glad to see Louis truly unwinding and being himself in front of Lee though. The first few times he’d come over he’d been too nervous to even reach for her hand.

---

A little while longer and the stockings were all complete. After accounting for drying time, Lee shook them free of residual glitter then draped them on the bannister. “Quite the stockings we’ve made for ourselves. I think Santa will be proud when he sees them. He turned round to face the others. “Now that that’s done, should we settle in for a movie night? I was thinking it’d be the perfect opportunity to introduce Louis to Muppet Christmas Carol ,”

“That exists?” Louis asked in surprise. “I love the Muppets! I’m game!” He grinned over at Clementine who nodded in agreement.

“I’ve got nothing else planned for the night. A.J.?” She turned to ask her brother but found that he had already run over to the TV and pulled out the treasured DVD.

“It’s Muppet time!” A.J. bounced with excitement as he clutched the movie to his chest.

Grinning in amusement, the others all settled upon the couch to start the film. Clementine rested her head upon Louis’ shoulder as the lights dimmed. It had been a long day. As much as she loved Muppet Christmas Carol , she might just fall asleep on everyone. She stirred though as she felt Louis gently squeeze her hand. She looked over at her boyfriend, smiling softly.

“Thanks for including me today. And inviting me to Christmas,” he whispered.

“Of course. It’s always fun having you over. And…” Clementine paused, biting her lip as her cheeks lightly flushed, “I’m looking forward to Christmas with you,” Even in the darkness of the room she could see Louis’ large grin at her words. Before he could say anything more though, they were both hushed by Lee.

“No more talking you two – the movie’s starting,” Lee watched Muppet Christmas Carol religiously. There would be no chatting or pausing during the film.

Letting out an almost imperceptible sigh, Clementine nuzzled Louis’ shoulder and closed her eyes. It had been a wonderful winter day; she couldn’t wait for Christmas.

[lovely-yandere-imagines]

Yandere risotto, Bruno, or mistake headcanons. Have during Christmas

Hey lovely, I’m guessing you meant Mista and he’s recently become an obsession for mine so I’m going to do him for this one, what can I say I love the stinky boy.

Yandere Guido Mista on Christmas Headcanons

Christmas Headcanons

Mista is a HUGE lover of Christmas. He’s always enjoyed it since he was a kid and has kept the traditions alive in his home. He’s the guy that drags the decorations out of storage on November 1st and he’ll want to set them up as soon as possible. 

He’ll personally decorate the entire mansion in one day. Hanging lights and tinsel everywhere and even decorating a few Christmas trees to put in various places of the manor.

Once he starts it’s hard to get him to take a break let alone stop at any point. He’s so excited to finally spend Christmas with his friends and he drags them all to the Christmas markets and festivals happening around Naples.

It just so happened that he met you during one of those adventures. As soon as he saw you he just had to greet you and hopefully get to know you.

At first, you were a little shy but he thought that was incredibly cute about you and you never once told him to buzz off or that he was making you uncomfortable so he took it as an invitation to stick beside you till you had to leave.

He most defiantly asked to walk you home and for your number, once he had those he could see or talk to you whenever he wanted to. Often calling you in the middle of the night when he couldn’t sleep and thoughts of you keep running through his head.

He likes to talk about everything and anything with you, most of them are really random topics that he seems to pull out of nowhere. Most of the time he did it just to hear your sweet voice.

Mista more than likely starts showing up at or around your house on his days off, always using the same excuse that he was in the neighborhood and stopped by to see you.

He really likes spending time with you and as Christmas gets closer and closer so do you two. He’ll take you to pop up markets and walk around with you for hours just to be around you more.

Pretty soon he starts showing up to your place of work, he claims that it was just a happy accident but little do you know he’s been following you to and from everywhere for a week now.

He knows your schedule like the back of his hand at this point and reasons with himself that he’s just trying to keep you safe. You must not know how dangerous Naples can be and it was his job to protect you.

If someone’s been troubling you at your job more than likely they’ll be going missing within a few days. You don’t know it but he’s been doing it for a while now and said person will get a visit from him and the pistols.

Soon Christmas is a day away and you don’t see him all day but you expected to not see him on the 24th and ways with his fear of the number 4 and all. What you didn’t expect was a call that night from him asking to spend Christmas with you.

Of coarse you accept and in the morning you head to his house and are warmly greeted by Mista in an awful, ugly green and red sweater with flashing lights attached to it. “Buon Natale, tesoro!” (Merry Christmas, darling!)

You quickly get pulled in and engulfed in a warm hug and a light kiss on both your cheeks. Mista stays like that for a few moments just holding you before he lets his grip loosen a bit and smiles down at you.

“So I’ve been thinking, dangerous I know, but listen. I really don’t want to be alone this Christmas. Sooooo I was wondering if you’d be my girlfriend/boyfriend!’ Mista lets out a chuckle and shy smile “Please say yes tesoro…”

[emotionalcello-makefanfics]

Your Tears in My Dreams (DamiJon) Part : 1/2

Rating : General Audiences

Summary :

His best friend always has that smile. Bright and refreshing like a can of cold soda on a hot and humid summer. But one day, when they were walking down the halls to class. Jon stopped, and for once in Damian life, he saw Jon cried. ---- Dick cleared his throat, his darting eyes finally landed on his jade eyes, “Why do you want to know now?” “Curiosity,” Damian shrugged, “I’ve never seen him cried before, that was the only time he did and I forgot why he did.” “You think it’s your fault?” “That’s what I’m trying to find out.”

Inspired by this beautiful art of Jon crying and Damian not knowing what to do by @glitter-dc

Read on AO3

Click Keep Reading to read on Tumblr.

Chapter 2

Chapter 1

Jon was his best friend and the only friend that ever counted, but their relationship didn’t start smoothly. As a privileged nine-year-old boy that only knew about the expectation he’s meant to fulfill in a world of adults, Jon’s sincere friendly approach was extraterrestrial.

Yet, no matter how much Damian pushed, Jon insists. To Damian, Jon is nothing more than his father’s journalist best friend’s son. Damian had understood the political need to befriend each other, but Jon never sees it that way.

Jon who’s always as bright as the sun when he smiles. All his frontal teeth would show, and the one teeth on the top right that bent inwards sticks out more than the rest. The apple of his cheeks became prominent whenever he’s too excited, and blush just like roses in full bloom whenever they were running, or if it was a hot day. His eyes would shine like clear lakes under the high noon. Strands of his raven-black soft curls bounce cheerfully and swept through the wind like feathers whenever he moves.

Always, Jon would smile through the rain, through the bad scores he gets, and through the wounds that he gets whenever they’re playing too rough.

His best friend always has that smile. Bright and refreshing like a can of cold soda on a hot and humid summer.

But one day, when they were walking down the halls to class. Jon stopped, and for once in Damian life, he saw Jon cried.

It was the first and the last time Damian saw him that way.

The memory comes in as a dream, played like a slow-motion clip that lasted forever. Long enough that at one point, Damian asked why Jon cried, which of course, Jon in his dream didn’t make a sound any other sound than sobbing. But when Damian woke up, it felt like it lasted a second. Like every dream, Damian thought he’ll forget it after a few seconds being awake. But this time, the way Jon looks at him with his sorrowful eyes and downturned lips, stays the whole day, and the day after that, and so on.

Damian can still feel chills down his spine at how deeply Jon’s eyes pierce through his soul. The details of how strands of his black loose curls tossed around because he just took a nap at break time. The way his tears sticks to his lush lashes and glisten like morning dews on blades of grass under the light of dawn. His tightened jaw as if to hold his voice. Bawling with a heavy stream of tears rolling down his red apple cheeks.

Every detail of that moment would never be forgotten, but only that one frame, in that perspective that felt prolonged forever. Damian can’t remember anything more after or before that.

To be expected of course. After all, that happened ten years ago.

++++++

“Ah, Master Damian, I didn’t expect you for another day,” the family butler, Alfred, called from the library where he’s been cleaning. He takes off his usual suit and only wears his white button-up with sleeves rolled.

“Sorry for the unexpected arrival, I’ll clean the room myself.”

“Was there something urgent sir?” Alfred is as sharp as ever, Damian missed that about him.

“Yes, I’ll ask you about it later.”

Then Damian continues to walk down the halls and into his room. The room is still fairly clean, he’s touched that Alfred cleans his room even though he never stays the night in the manor for years. Whenever he has business trips in Gotham, he always stays in a nearby hotel, and only came for a quick dinner together, only if that family was in town.

It’s been forever since he last enters this room, just by the whiff of scent already felt like a blast from the past.

Back when the politics of his country were heated and dangerous, Damian was sent here to seek refuge. His family’s company, the League of Al-Ghuls, were caught between the heat. Though now that he’s older, he knew that his family participates in that political war. That’s why Damian’s life was in danger.

So, he was sent to a place owned by a father he never knew he had at nine years old. It was not expected that he had grown fond of the place and elongated his stay until his mother demanded him to come back to have proper education for her standards.

Ever since he was a child, he’s meant to continue the family business. Now he’s considered perfectly weaned and being trusted to have good judgment for the benefit of their empire. It is how their family is. It is what Damian had excepted with consent. Then life just swept Damian away.

The last time he was in this room, he was 15. There’s a picture of him and Jon by his desk. A thin layer of dust accumulated at the top of the frame. It’s a picture of them on a school trip to Ocean City. Jon had many friends beside Damian, but he wanted to take a picture together first.

Damian cracked a smile, seeing little Jon wearing his dad’s bright blue bucket hat on top of his awry hair, and a smile bright like the sea on their background.

He looked for his old stuff. Pictures, diaries, books, anything that can give him a clue. When he’s checking one of his bookcases, there’s a row dedicated to journals, textbooks, and sketchbooks. He recognizes some of the journals’ spine. When he takes it out, his heart raced.

It’s his diaries, not just any diaries too. He used to exchange them with Jon. They’ll write about their day and give them to each other once a week, or sometimes once a month. It was Jon’s idea from an old Japanese comic he bought from a discount box. It was ridiculous and Damian had thought it was intrusive.

Damian doesn’t know how Jon can talk him into sharing his personal thoughts with someone. Saying his feelings out has not been his strong suit, but writing it is another story. It’s easier to tell his secrets to inanimate objects that’ll never judge him. But what really made Damian went along with it, was because Jon’s diary is entertaining and fun to read. Usually filled with dad jokes his father told him and things he gets in trouble at. The way Jon writes it is just like how he talked with all his quirks and slang.

The tradition doesn’t last their whole friendship though. Some time into their teens, they stopped exchanging their diaries.

Though Jon never asked for his diary again, Damian kept writing out of habit. His brown covered journal, the last one, is a diary he never gave to Jon.

Flipping through the pages, he noticed that he didn’t write them on a regular basis. Some are days apart, some weeks, even months. Most of them are from 2009 to 2010, and the only content in there is frustration, anger, and self-pity that he’s too proud to tell anyone else.

Right at the last entry that stops in the middle of his journal, he finds the one he’s been looking for.

‘17 November 2010

Something absolutely bizarre happened today. Jon cried. I was lost for words at seeing him cry for the first time since I have ever known him. Jon is not one who cries easily, or ever. He’s strong and he had pulled through a lot of misfortune that happens to him with only a frown or anger. He had a very deep wound on his forearm from scrapping it upon a loose nail on a plank, he bled a lot but he just hissed and screamed in pain, in that process, he shed a tear, but it was not ‘crying’. Even when his father scolds him badly after we went to town till 4 AM, all he did was frown.

We were just talking as we head to our class. I didn’t ask why at first. He was terribly sad and I’m afraid of saying the wrong words. So, I just pat his back and took him somewhere people won't see. I don’t want him to feel embarrassed if someone sees him like that when he clearly needed to cry. Maybe he’s been holding back something that he didn’t tell me.

It was also the first time I ever missed class. Of course, my mother will be more upset about this more than father, but I did not feel regretful. Jon needed me for once, and the consequences are light compared to the situation. Though I will not enjoy the incoming international call.’

And that’s it.

Damian sighed in defeat and disappointment with his fifteen-year-old self. He admits, he was not the most emotionally intelligent child back then. Even so, this means Damian is worried over Jon’s well being more than what caused it. Jon was precious to him at a point, even more than his duty as an Al-Ghul.

Since his own diary doesn’t reveal what he’s been looking for, he would need to ask from someone else.

++++

‘I’ll be staying in the manor for approximately a week, I hope it’s okay.’

‘Of course, you’re more than welcome. I’ll be home for dinner.’

‘Alright, I’ll tell Alfred to anticipate you.’

“Who’re you texting with?” his older brother, Dick came to the living room with a big jug of tea. His hair is a mess as always whenever he’s back home, and a wardrobe just as hideous. It’s six months too early to be wearing an ugly Christmas sweater, and Dick paired it with a skimpy boxer.

Damian had come to terms with it, only because Dick is his favorite brother.

“Is it a speeecial someone? Maybe someone... who is not your wife?” Dick raised his eyebrows scandalously and takes a loud slurp of his tea.

Damian scoffed up a chuckle, “You know my relationship with my wife is strictly business, she has her own set of lovers.”

“I still can’t understand what’s the point in marrying, if all it was is for business.”

“Politics in an Al-Ghul family is different from a typical American one. It’s why my mother became a Wayne for a short yet beneficial time before their scheduled divorce, and conceived me, just as she planned.”

“I... still can’t get my head around that. Family isn’t politics.”

“I’ve come to know that thanks to you, and this family.”

Damian gave him a thankful smile while Dick melts with eyebrows downturned. Really, they’ve come a long way. The one that really thought him the meaning of love and family is the Waynes.

“Then where are your own set of ‘lovers’” Dick looks ups and close his eyes dreamily.

“And why would I told you about my affairs?” Dick gasped, putting a hand on his chest, again, this particular sibling always able to make him crack a smile,  “I was texting father, in case you’re still wondering, he’ll be home for dinner.”

“Good to know you’re on good terms! When did that happen?”

“Ironically, by being his business partner I get to see him and talk to him more than I was just his son.”

Dick burst a fit of a laugh, almost spilling his hot tea to his bare thigh.

“So, I heard you wanted to talk to me.”

“Yes, I hope I’m not taking your time from work.”

“No! Tomorrow’s Sunday, and I do visit on weekends when I can.”

“And the others?”

“Well, you know our siblings, they came when they can, but they’re all busy doing their own thing. Jason’s on tour. Tim won't be back for a year, a project in France. Duke’s with Doctors Without Borders. Steph...” Dick trails and made a face.

Damian’s jaw hits the floor, “Don’t tell me, she married him?”

Dick chuckled, “Yup, now she’s in the middle of a jungle in Indonesia, teaching anyone that needs it.”

Damian shook his head with a defeated smile, “Last time I was here, even the mansion feels crowded with... was it six of us? Now it feels a bit empty.”

“Well, little hatchlings ought to left the nest sooner or later,” Dick rubs his head. “So, you wanted to talk to me, but it’s not about reminiscing the past, isn’t it?”

Damian smirked, ever the detective.

“On the contrary, it does have something to do with that, but not about our family,” Damian takes a deep breath as quietly as he can, “You’re the one I talked to the most when I was a child.”

Dick squints his eyes, “Yeeees?”

“I was wondering if I ever said anything about Jon in particular.”

“Jon? As in Jonathan Kent? Your bestie?”

“Yes, Dick, Jonathan Kent. Is there something wrong?”

“No no! Just... it’s been so long since you talk about him.”

Damian just shrugs.

Dick put his cup of tea down on the table and narrowed his eyebrows, “Alright? What do you need?”

“I believe I had a fight with Jon, or maybe I made him so upset that he cried. Did I ever talk about these things with you?”

Dick sighed and tips his jaw to the side and raise his eyebrows, already at loss, “You were totally mega best friends with Jon. Honestly, I can’t choose, you were complaining about him a lot.”

“Only at first,” Damian chuckled, remembering again, “He was not the friend I asked for, but among all the wrong button he pushed, once when he pushed the right one.”

“And that is?”

“He treats me like a child, but as an equal, and expect nothing of me. Most of all, he’s incredibly patient.”

Dick is making a face, biting his lips from smiling too widely. Damian rolled his eyes and his older brother keeps him to himself.

“Ahem, did you know when you made him cry?”

“My diary said it was November 17th of 2010.”

“I think I was in Barbados with Barbara then, for the honeymoon?”

“That’s right, I wouldn’t have called you then.”

Dick cleared his throat, his darting eyes finally landed on his jade eyes, “Damian, why do you want to know now?”

“Curiosity,” Damian shrugged, “I’ve never seen him cried before, that was the only time he did and I forgot why he did.”

“You think it’s your fault?”

“That’s what I’m trying to find out.”

++++++

“As in Jonathan Kent?”

“Yes, Alfred. I don’t think I befriend any other Jon. Or any other person,” Damian chuckled lightly.

“I have not heard you talk about sir Jonathan in a very long time.” Alfred grabs the plates, and Damian grabs the utensils.

“Dick said that too. It’s just something I’m curious about.” Damian puts the spoons and forks on the sides of the plates on the dining table.

“When did it happen?” Alfred asked as he gets a bowl of salad with beans while Damian grabs a bowl of baked creamy mushroom penne.

“We were 15.”

“That’s ten years ago, Master Damian, why does it matter now?”

The question stabs through his chest like a dull knife, “No, it doesn’t matter.”

“I’m not late to dinner, am I?” walked in a man with a suit in his hand, loose tie around his neck and an opened button at the collar. The middle-aged man smiles when he sees Damian there.

“I’m impressed you’re not,” Damian put his hand on his hip.

“I’ve missed eating dinner with you a lot. I’m not gonna miss you again when you finally decide to visit your old man.”

“I’ve seen you a lot, father.”

“As Bruce Wayne, a business associate, not as your dad.” Bruce put a hand on Damian’s had and rubs it. As annoying as it is that his father ruined his coiffed hair, it always feels comforting to be patted on the head. The sensation will remain a mystery.

“I’ll put my things away and get Dick,” Bruce announced and walks out of the kitchen.

There’s a pulsing throb in his chest. His eyes are on the door his father walks out from but his feet stay rooted in their place. Damian has gone this far, it’ll be a waste not to try. So, he chased his father out and meets him in the hallway.

“Father,” he called, and Bruce turns around, “There’s a reason I’m visiting.”

“I figured. You don’t usually stay in the Manor if it’s not for the holidays, and our conference will only take two meetings.”

“I took a few days off after we’re done with the trade.”

His father knits his thick eyebrows together, looking concerned, “Why are you taking days off? That’s unlike you.”

Now Damian felt foolish. The matter feels even more trivial now, Damian finally sees that. He flew over for a conference that could’ve been done by his close peers just so he can ask his family about his ‘dream’. His father is right, this is unlike him. How did he even get here? Damian had hesitated before. Brushing off ever coming back to Gotham unless it’s for business purposes. Even at holidays, he’ll never force himself to spare the time to come, and if he does, it’s never longer than two days.

But this time, before he gets to hesitate, he was already on the way here.

“It’s alright, Damian, you can ask anything,” His father comforted, already treating it seriously.

With a heavy heart, Damian raises his shoulders, “It’s just.... something that incites my curiosity, it’s nothing to be concerned about.”

“Let me judge that after you tell me.”

Damina bites his lips, crossing his arms and hold onto his elbows tightly. Eyes darting around, before he finally just let it out.

“It’s about Jon.”

Bruce raised his eyebrows, lips parted open and eyes widen, “Jon,” the man breathes. “As in that Jonath-”

“Yes, Jonathan Kent, son of your best friend Clark Kent,” Damian cleared with a firm and irritated voice. Sighing, he cleared his throat, “Something happened when we were kids. I know Jon. He’s always bright and happy, but I remembered that he cried in front of me once, and he looked devastated. I don’t remember if I ever asked him why. That’s what I’m trying to find out.”

His father’s sharp eyes soften as he noticeably holds his breath, “Damian...” he called gently, “You know what happened when you were kids.”

Damian paused, breathing mindfully as if to stay calm, and he managed to squeeze out: “This is before that... in 2010”

“That’s ten years a-”

“I know,” Damian raises his voice, frustrated. He knows it’s silly of him to ask around an uncertain memory from ten years ago, but... “I just wanted to ask if I ever told you about Jon crying. Please just tell me if you remember or not.”

Though Damian already knows his father wouldn’t have known anything. Bruce was a distant father when he’s a child. His friends were only Dick, and Jon who he thought was a beneficial ‘friend’.

It doesn’t hurt to try to ask, Damian thought. Somewhere in his childhood, he forgot when, he and his father tried to mend their rocky relationship. Even though they don’t share the same last name, they’ve been family.

“You did mention it to me,” Bruce said, and Damian’s heart jumps.

“Do you remember what I said?”

“Yes,” Bruce chuckled, “You were in a sour mood. I thought it was because of something I’ve done again.”

Damian huffed with the corner of his quirking up, “We weren’t always rainbows and roses, but this one is not because of that, right?”

“No, you told me about Jon. You’re upset with him, not angry or irritated. You always know what to do, but that time, you don’t.”

“Me? Upset with Jon?”

“Not as in at Jon. You told me that Jon is keeping secrets from you, and you’re upset because of that.”

“Now can you tell me why you cried?”

Jon finally stops crying, and his deep frown turns around, but this smile is not the same. His red-rimmed eyes look at Damian with his clear blue irises pooled in tears like overflowed ponds.

It feels like the world stopped in that quiet gymnasium they snuck into.

“I don’t think I can ever tell you why,” Jon’s voice croaks weakly.

“What? You don’t trust me?”

“No, Dami...I’m just afraid.”

“Of what? What could’ve scared you enough to not let me know?”

“I can’t tell you! Just, drop it! Okay?” Jon burst, and immediately looks guilty. He folds his arms and leans away from Damian who’s left puzzled.

Damian is angry, but mostly, disappointed? He thought Jon is close enough to lean on him, but it certainly doesn’t seem so. Even in anger, Damian doesn’t have it in him to leave. After years writing diaries, it doesn’t feel as heavy now to tell at least a snippet of sentimentality to Jon... In vocal form.

“Fine, keep your secrets, what is a man without a few? But know this Jon. You are a person that is dear to me, dare I say even more than my family. You’re the most treasured friend of mine, and I only wish to ease the pain that you’re feeling.”

Jon wails even louder that his voice echoes in the empty gymnasium. He can’t believe Jon’s still able to shed even more tears after the previous wave of pouring rain. Damian hold his breath and leans away, the guilt makes him uncomfortable being this near to Jon. He might just make things worse. Let’s never say his feeling out loud again, he had learned his lesson.

Just as Damian was about to scoot away, Jon loops his arms around Damian and squeeze tight.

“Stay with me for a bit. I know your mom’ll be angry, but can you skip class?”

Damian scoffs, Jon asked as if Damian would say no, which is absurd. Damian put his hand on top of Jon’s while the other is on his back, rubbing them gently to comfort. A wet patch is growing on Damian’s chest where Jon pressed his shut eyes. Warm stuttering breath felt through the shirt and onto Damian’s skin. Closing his eyes, Damian buries his face on Jon’s soft black curls.

Jon smelled like the sun.

“Yes, I can Jon.”

The memories come slowly, it’s not as clear as the dreams, but it’s one puzzle pieces among many, and this one fits where it should be.

“Did I say anything else?” Damian leans closer.

“I asked what would you do about it, but you just shrugged. You’re quiet for a few days and then Jon started to come over again.”

Damian sighed a breath he didn’t know he’s been holding. Now he remembers what happened after, but he still doesn’t know why Jon cried. Jon couldn’t have started crying out of nowhere. Must’ve been something he saw, or something Damian said to him.

“Why does it matter now?” His father asked, rubbing salt on his wounds.

Damian clenches his hand, “I dreamt it, I thought I’ll forget it later, but I didn’t,” he confessed, “I couldn’t sleep... I feel restless remembering that I had done him wrong, that I had made him cry and not knowing why. I wanted to seek the reason and say I’m sorry.”

“Then why don’t visit the Kents?”

Damian’s whole body tensed, “No, I can’t. Something this trivial, I can’t possibly-”

“It certainly isn’t trivial for you if you can’t sleep because of it.”

“It’s my own fault, I shouldn’t bother them for something like this.”

Sighing, Bruce puts his hand on Damian’s shoulder, “They’ve asked about you whenever I met them, they care about you enough to worry. They’ll be delighted to see you.”

Damian bites his lips, still hesitant, “You think so?”

“I know so, I’ll call them to expect you.”

“It’s okay, I’ll do it myself. They still live in the same apartment?”

“No, they live in their farmhouse permanently now.”

“Thank you, I’ll call them after our deal is done,” Damian stated.

“They’ll welcome you, there’s nothing to be nervous about.”

Even so, Damian can’t stop the uneasiness piled up in his chest, “I hope so.”

tbc

[catontheinside]

Leaving Tumblr for a bit

If anyone Cares for a story, here's why:

I don't have many friends. I've never had many friends, I always keep a small circle of friends. Most of my friends know me very well and I've very close to them. I don't always turn to them when I need them. hecc, if you've followed me for long enough then maybe you've seen some of the stories where I fuck up. All of this information seems to not matter tho.

Because of late September.

Usually around the 28th. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later. And I never really expect it.

In 2014 my grandmother died. We weren't close, but I was her first grandchild and she loved me. As a child, ofc I loved her back. It was fine tho, she was very old and people saw this coming.

In 2015 something very complicated happened. The jist of it tho, was that I lost an entire group of friends. 15 people at the time, and they all chose to minimise their interactions with me. That's fine. I wasn't close with most of them. But I had lost my virginity to one. I liked him still at the time. (I regret losing my virginity early, don't bother tbh)

In 2016 someone in our 6 person group of very close friends dropped out. If this has happened to you, you know that it's hard to keep in touch sometimes. Later, he expressed feeling like it was too hard to keep talking to us. He chose to leave us.

In February of 2016 I started dating this guy. He was amazing. Still my best relationship yet. Idk how to describe him; he was incredibly patient, funny, smart, opinionated, compassionate, handsome, and more. I woke up on his couch once and I just felt amazing. My back didn't, but my heart sure as fuck did. So, in late September of 2017, when he broke up with me over text because now we had a very long distance relationship and it wasn't working, I really wanted to die. That was a dark time for me. I couldn't talk about it, we were both closeted. We still are. he had a lot of good points, and I don't really blame him, I also made a lot of mistakes. Either way, he chose to leave. Our relationship has been very rocky ever since. I.e. we barely have one at all, last time we talked was last year.

But in September of 2017 I met a girl and we got along well. Not perfectly, but we'll enough. Slowly we got closer, until she became one of my best friends. Her and this other guy. We had a larger groups of friends; but whenever we wanted to talk about personal things, we talked to each other. Except, she talked the least about herself. We thought "giver her time to get comfortable, forcing the information out wouldn't be great". In September of 2018 we had just come back from summer break and idk about them but I was excited to see them. So we hang out till late at the guy's place, and I sleep over. What I didn't know that night is they were texting. Before I went to sleep I remember sending a stupid text to her saying something like "ah! I finally remembered what that song was, it was ----" then going to sleep. I essentially woke up to a massage saying "the last part can apply to you aswell". I ofc had no idea what she was talking about, but 'the last part' was refering to the last massage she had sent the other guy. The jist of it what I got from it was "should we even be friends?". He wakes up, we talk, he mentions the texting, everything makes sense to me finally, haven't seen her since. This story is actually much longer and more complicated than this, but once again, someone chose to not be around me anymore.

So ofc you know it's September 20th today. And I'm scared. I'm really scared. So here's this year's story thus far.

Again, in late 2017, I had met a girl. She was, no, IS amazing. She thought me so much. I love just being around her because I guarantee a laughs and I always get better as a person. We used to talk about deep things, like what the point of happiness was, the point of life, why certain things are selfish and others not. All was going great, But around November of 2018 I had a mental breakdown, I ran away. Another long story summarised too quick: I caused her a lot of pain. A lot. The next week I saw one of my acquaintances that she knew I lived close to. And he says she called that night, almost crying, definitely shaking, asking if he knew where I was. She wanted to call the police, she was wondering if she should file a missing persons report. She was worried. Really worried. Which I never experienced before? Like I've done so many reckless things throughout the years that idk(sorry mom). So our relationship took a blow. A hard and fast blow right to the face, delivered by my bad choices. We were awkward for a looong time. Until we weren't again, and it was good again. But of course I wouldn't be talking about it if it stayed that way. Yesterday, I sent a text saying "hey, we haven't talked in months(true), should we fix this?" She saw the massage that day, but I guess she was thinking. This morning, I woke up to "idk, depends on the reason" I haven't replied yet. I don't know what to say to be honest. I can't think of a reason that I'll know she'll reciprocate.

So, that's candidate A.

Remember the guy in the previous story? The one that was texting the girl that said bye In 2018? Since then we got closer. Our relationship has been great. We text on an almost daily basis. Memes everywhere, same YouTube channels, he's 1/8 of my twitter follows(cuz I don't really use Twitter) and he's just overall great. Except that over the summer we haven't seen each other at all, and now that he's just a city away again, we haven't been able to meet up. Every time I ask, he's busy. And he doesn't seem to want to. And idk, maybe he's going through something that he isn't telling me about? Who knows? Not me. So I'm worried he'll drop something on me around the end of the month.

That's candidate B

Candidate C doesn't really have an interesting story? We have bursts of closeness, but then we mostly don't talk. Like we'll either noth talk for a month, or one of us will crash at the others place for a full week. And through those weeks, we've really gotten to know each other. She introduced me to her sister the other day tho? But like 0 interaction since? Idkkkkkk

So I don't know. What if there's a candidate D? Someone who's my friend who's thinking about throwing me out of their lives? Look, I get it. Relationships end. But year after year, I lose someone. And it's mostly them choosing to not have me in their lives anymore. Maybe that just says something about me, but I'm tired. These are close real relationships that I've invested into. It hurts more every year it happens. The trend seems to be that every year it's a person that I'm closer to than the one before. Or atleast similar in closeness.

I'm really scared.

Like, horrified.

Like candidate A is already out? Does that not make them a candidate? Does that mean that the universe has already decided and I'm just realising? Or that it's a double this year? Is everyone going to leave?

Idk, I'm just under a lot of pressure because of this and I need some sort of change in my life, and part of that change is going to be Tumblr. Just for a while. Because as much as I also give this website shit,

I love all of you.

[hazzasgayvodka]

27 * HAVE FAITH IN ME * 27

Impact: chapter 27

Chapter title song: Have Faith In Me - A Day To Remember 

JESS

I wake up to Sam jumping on top of me, squealing about it being Halloween. When I look up with squinty eyes to see her face, her makeup is already done with thick black eyeliner and bright red lipstick. Her fishnet tights are bright red beneath her short black dress and I simply can't comprehend how she's ready this early in comparison to her usual daily routine of sleeping in till noon.

"You seem awfully chipper this morning." I groan, sitting up against the headboard behind me with a yawn.

"Of course, it's Halloween!" She shouts, her face grinning giddily and I find myself happy to see her so excited.

"I'm assuming you have some stellar plans for today considering you're already dressed." I laugh, "What are you supposed to be exactly?"

"I'm Harley Quinn silly," She laughs, "And me and Louis are going out for the day, he won't tell me where but I'm sure it will be romantic and amazing."

I nod, smiling with her, admiring the obvious love she displays for the lucky boy apparent in her features. It makes me wonder if I look the same when thinking of a certain pair of green eyes.

"Do you have any plans?" She asks.

"Not really," I shrug, "I have class this morning, I'm meeting Miles for coffee, then I guess I'll have a movie marathon of Young Frankenstein and Bewitched or something."

"You can always come to the party." She suggests, wiggling her eyebrows.

"And be the only person there without a date?" I ask, wiggling my eyebrows to mock her.

"You won't be the only one." She complains.

"Sam, it's literally called Cauldrons and Couples, it's a date party and my date is a workaholic." I sigh, dragging myself out of bed and starting to get dressed.

She huffs in frustration as she walks over to the mirror and checks her bright red lipstick one more time before I hear the beeping of Louis's horn outside. She turns to me with sympathetic eyes, but I wave her off.

"Go, have fun," I sigh, "But not too much fun."

She grins, walking out the door and closing it behind her. I feel stupidly clingy as I take out my phone and my fingers itch to text him. All I want is a day like Sam's where he has cute romantic things planned before the date party. I just wanted to dress like Batman and Cat Woman, maybe even win the costume contest.

My phone buzzes in my hand and I jump, checking to see a message from Miles reminding me about coffee. It comes in perfect timing and suddenly I'm snapped back into reality and finish getting dressed. I run a comb through my hair and throw a jacket over my seasonally appropriate orange sweater. I'm shoving my boots on as I walk through the dorm looking for my keys and finally find them in the pocket of his jacket laying across my couch. I walk out the door and down to my car and curse under my breath when I realize I have to scrape the ice off my windshield myself.

I collapse into my car once the road is visible through the windshield and shiver as I start it up. It takes a few tries, the motor clearly not wanting to work due to the freezing temperatures outside. I finally get it started and pull out of the parking lot and to the road, at least ten minutes late for coffee.

"You're late." Miles sing-songs when I finally slide into the booth across from him.

"I know," I huff, shoving the gloves off my hands, "Car trouble, it seems I've gotten a little too used to Harry clearing my windshield off and starting my car ahead of time."

"Well," He begins, handing me a hot mug, "I anticipated this and went ahead and ordered for you."

"You anticipated my car troubles and didn't think to call and help?" I tease, taking a sip of the hot coffee and welcoming its warmth between my hands.

"No," He laughs, "I anticipated that you'd be freezing."

I shrug, taking another sip of the coffee and I can feel my insides starting to defrost. I finally look down at his shirt, it says 'let's get spooky'. In the span of time from getting ready to driving here, I nearly forgot it was even Halloween.

"Are you going to the party tonight?" I ask, looking at him over the rim of my mug.

"The party?" He asks quizzically.

"Sam and Louis's party, it's at the Omega Tau house," I say hoping to jog his memory, "Come on, Couples and Cauldrons?"

"I've got nothing," He laughs, "But no, I'm not going. I hand out candy on Halloween, there's loads of families in my neighborhood."

"Oh, maybe I'll join you." I nod.

"You're not going with Harry?" He asks nervously.

"No, sadly my boyfriend is a crazy workaholic and can't pull himself away from the office for even one night of fun." I groan, rolling my eyes exaggeratively.

"He means well," He sighs, "He obviously really wants this promotion and is willing to work for it. Where's the harm in that?"

I can't believe it as he takes Harry's side, my best friend, falling to the dark side. I suppose he's right, he's been working so hard but that's also why he deserves a break for one night. Miles stands from the booth and I follow him the rest of the way to class, both of us sitting in our regular seats as we take out our notes.

For some reason, my stomach flips every time the door opens, getting my hopes up that for some reason he'll be showing up to class today but I know he won't be. He's already explained to all of his professors and the dean that he's been working crazy hours and had Vance sign off on his time card to prove so. He's been excused from a few classes a week based on his schedule and every time he's not here I find myself bored to death an unable to pay attention.

"No Harry again?" Miles asks, leaning over to whisper in my ear.

"Nope, he's at the office." I sigh, slumping back down in my chair as I take a glance at the empty seat next to me.

I try to pay attention in class but every possible thought other than math decides to invade my mind as Ms. Dante walks up to the board to go over statistical analysis. I try to work it through in my head if I were to visit him at work tonight. I could bring Spiro's, he could take a twenty-minute break and eat dinner with me and then I'll leave and be content.

I finally give into my rampant thoughts and send him a quick text just to be able to talk to him. I hope that he isn't in a meeting or anything and if he is he's smart enough to put his phone on vibrate. But even as me and Miles are walking out of Stats I don't receive a response. Even as I go to literature only to find a note taped on the door that says class has been cancelled, my phone remains silent. Even as I pull into my parking spot and walk in the front door of my dorm I am not interrupted by the slight buzz in my pocket. And then I start to worry.

HARRY

I wake up, my head pounding.

Four in the morning.

Year old images.

Cold sweat.

Fire.

Newspaper.

November.

Car crash.

Dead.

The thoughts race through my mind like I'm on autopilot, unable to stop them with the force I am equipped with. I shake my head hoping to drown the demons for another few hours before I decide a glass of bourbon would be more effective.

It's eight in the morning when Jason shows up with two bottles of vodka. His eyes are red, and I know it's not from weed, he's been crying. We drink together, both a bottle in one hand. At some point Niall appears, scotch down his throat. His eyes are bloodshot, his shirt is tearstained.

They wonder why I'm not the same, why it doesn't tear me apart the way it does them. I answer them by taking another sip of vodka. I answer them by running my hands along the ink on my skin, by taking out a cigarette and lighting it between my lips, by turning on the record player and inhaling the sweet smell of marijuana like it might be my saving grace.

I look up to the ceiling, my eyes falling closed within the swirl of fog I've encompassed myself in and I can see his face. The words on my skin burn, the Arabic letters forever etched into my skin. I claim them to be meaningless, cultivations engraved into my skin to pay a tribute to nothing. They are so much more. A reminder, a mantra, a documentation of the existential thoughts that run rampant in my head when I am left in silence for seconds too long.

I feel each line in my skin, I don't have to see them to trace their shape in my mind. Despite the intoxication, I remember, no matter how hard I try not to. October thirty first, the day it all happened, the day it all changed. The day I'd become someone else, someone I never wanted to be.

JESS

Another text.

A call.

A text to Niall.  

A call to Niall.

A call to the office, he never came in.

Must've slept in, yes that's got to be it.

Seconds later I'm in the car, my heart racing for reasons I'm unsure of. A shaky drive and shaky hands reaching to knock on the door. A shaky body wrapping around itself to keep warm.

Nobody answers, is he still asleep? My curiosity and worriedness get the best of me and I try the door handle, it opens. Surely, he didn't leave it unlocked but he did.

The smell hits me first. Hard liquor and marijuana. The usual stiffness of cigarette smoke lingers but the sweet fragrance of tequila drowns it out, it doesn't even feel like his house. Four empty bottles in the living room, two bottles of scotch on his nightstand. A bong on the table. A sticky haze covers everything.

I open a few windows hoping to air it out but the smell lingers, sticking to me and dragging me down with it. I check every room just in case. His car is here but he is not, he's with someone.

Louis? No, he's with Sam.

Niall? No, Niall doesn't drive.

A few more phone calls and my stomach is sick. Every part of my chest is collapsing on itself when I ask myself where on Earth he could be.

I call everyone.

Lex.

Vance.

Eliza.

Louis.

Sam.

Miles. He answers on the second ring, his voice frantic when he hears the tears in my voice that I can't hold back any longer.

"Where is he?" I sob, and I can hear him breathing unsteadily on the other end.

"I don't know."

Miles shows up after his last class. I cry into his arms on Harry's couch. I hope he'll walk through the door any minute now. I want to leave but the haze keeps me stuck, stuck to his ugly striped couch in this barren hazy living room where he's not.

Another call.

Another text.

Nothing.

32 in total.

I cry into his pillow, I throw the bottle of scotch to the ground and let it shatter against his floor. Miles runs in and navigates around the glass. He sits on the edge of his bed and tells me he'll be alright. I want to believe him, but I can't. My heart is being pierced, twisted by my constricting lungs as I try to convince myself that he didn't lie to me again. He's somewhere with someone buying me flowers and he'll walk through the door any second.

Eliza and Vance come. They don't know where he is. They hug me, and I allow it, even Vance. Lex comes later, just as worried as I am. His eyes are wide as he looks around the house, opening the windows didn't do much.

"The scotch is bad," he says, eyeing the bottle on his nightstand, "He used to have a drinking problem."

He hugs me but not as tight as Vance and not as carefully as Miles.

Another call.

Another text.

Nothing.

39 in total.

Hysteria.

Where is he?

Miles holds me, cradles me, tells me that it's going to be okay but what if it's not. All I can hear is the shattering of the bottle echoing in my ears and Lex's voice.

"He used to have a drinking problem."

The worst scenarios make their way into my head. I hope to god that he didn't drink all of the alcohol himself, that he didn't smoke all the cigarettes himself, that he didn't lie to me all himself.

HARRY

Frat house.

Bourbon.

Cigarettes.

I see red eyes all around me, dried tears on flushed cheeks. The sun is going down outside, and I can feel the numbness creeping in with every second of light we lose. The house is packed full. Drinks are pouring, music pumping, smoke drifting to every conceivable corner of the house. It covers you in a haze, tries to drag you down with it and you have to be strong enough to stop it.

The music is loud, and the bass is thumping, rattling my bones. It's hard to walk around without the pulsating beat drumming into your heart and filling your chest. I keep a drink in my hand at all times and its never water. Before I know it, I've loosened up enough to start dancing.

Niall is already shitfaced, shirtless on the dance floor with three different girls. The fog machine seems a little much, but I know how crazy Louis likes to go on Halloween. The laser lights dance across the floor, reflecting in the haze of smoke and fog that has accumulated throughout the house.

"Is that Harry Styles coming out to dance with us?" Louis gasps causing the group to laugh, "I can't even tell you the last time that happened."

"Oh, shut up would you?" I chuckle, gulping down the last few sips of some cranberry cinnamon drink Sam made for Halloween.

I toss the cup behind me, hearing the cheap plastic hit the ground. The beat to the music changes, the song moving onto the next one. The electronic sounds mix together to create some sort of melody, the words of the song spoken in a monotonous voice to the beat of the song like a less enthusiastic rap. I don't care as I slip into the crowd dancing, joining in with Louis and Niall.

"Where's your costume man?" Louis jokes, gesturing to his well-done Joker outfit to match Sam's Harley Quinn.

"You see I'm Harry Styles, title holding boxer and part time tattoo artist, quite the superman if you ask me." I smirk, Louis laughing along with me and throwing his arm over my shoulder.

I'm surrounded by flailing limbs and sweaty bodies all pressed together and sucking in the same air. It's hot way too fast, sweat beading on my forehead and the tips of my hair growing damp. My shirt is soaked and soon hands are reaching for the hem of it and tugging it over my head. I meet heavily lined eyes and bleached blonde hair. Ashlyn. Her hands roam my body and I welcome them, ice cold against my burning skin. I forget about my scars standing in the haze with my lips pressed to hers, I forget about it all as I shove her up against the wall and rip her thin mesh shirt off her torso.

"Do you want me again, Harry?" She asks, her nasally voice shattering my small nirvana I've created within myself.

"Does it really matter?" I breathe, pressing my skin to hers and spiraling into an infinite haze of bottled memories and permanent damage.

JESS

I call Niall again with shaking hands and the weight on my chest lifts when I hear the call go through, his voice shouting into the receiver.

"Hey Jess! What's up?" He slurs, the sound of pumping bass music in the background making it hard to even hear the few words he says.

"Hey Niall, where are you? Is Harry there?" I ask my mind working a million miles a minute and praying that he's right beside him.

"What?" He shouts, his voice coming out slow and slurred.

"Is Harry there?" I shout, matching his volume and nearly screaming into the phone.

"Harry? Yeah of course he's here! It's the one day of the year we get shitfaced!" He shouts, and I can hear the smile in his voice.

"Niall, listen to me, where are you guys?" I shout, hoping that I haven't already lost his attention, "Niall! Niall are you there? Put Harry on the phone!"

"He's a bit busy right now," He laughs, "I'll have him call you back!"

A chorus of hollering follows his shouting and I instantly know where they are. I hang up the phone and put it in my pocket, every cell of my being fuming with anger. My lips are pulled tight, my hands balled into fists. How could he do this? How could he lie just to go to a stupid party that I wanted to go to?

"What did he say? Are they okay?" Miles asks a million questions, his worried eyes trying to meet mine.

"They're fine, but lord knows he won't be fine once I'm done with him."

We pull up outside the frat house and I hardly wait for the car to come to a complete stop before I'm opening the car door and walking up the grass to the front door. My entire body is shaking in anger and I can't decide if I want to cry even more than I have or slap him across the face as soon as I see him.

"Jess!" Miles shouts, frantically trying to shut the car off and clamber out after me, "Wait up!"

"I'll be right back, stay here!" I shout to him.

I walk right through the front door and into the smoky haze of the house. The stench of marijuana covers everything and lingers in the smoke produced from the fog machines around the living room. The lasers shining around the room color the room green, red and blue, catching my eye and leading me to the dance floor.

Every person I pass looks half dead, eyes sunk in and skin like paper. They carry red cups filled with fizzy liquid and rolled joints between their fingers. The music is so loud it hurts my ears and thumps all the way through my chest. The bass thunders against the walls and I find myself wondering how they haven't gotten a noise complaint yet.

I continue through the house hoping to find him or someone I know. As soon as my eyes land on him I want to turn around and walk back the way I came and forget any of this ever happened.

"Why hello there Jess." He smirks, his eyes looking even more bloodshot than usual due to his Edward Scissorhands costume.

"Fuck off Ryland, I'm here to find Harry." I huff, pushing past him.

"Oh, I wouldn't do that, you might not like what you see." He laughs, and the fact that this is a joke to him makes me want to tackle him to the ground.

"Show me where he is right now." I demand, grabbing him by his mop of black hair.

"Easy babe easy, he's right over there." He smiles, his yellowed teeth making me gag.

He points over to the dance floor and my eyes fall on him instantly. Shirtless with his pants sagging on his hips, the top band of his boxers visible. His hair is matted to his forehead, his skin glistening with sweat as he grinds with two different blondes, their hands roaming every inch of his skin.

I feel it in my chest as it happens, as it registers in my mind, as my plan formulates in my head. My heart shatters, my entire chest cavity becoming constricted as I watch in agony. Suddenly, I'm standing in front of him with tears threatening to spill over my cheeks, my hand raised. He barely realizes I'm standing right in front of him before my hand is leaving a mark on his cheek and causing him to stumble backwards gripping his reddened skin.

"Fucking hell Harry, are you kidding me? Are you actually kidding right now?" I shout, shoving him backwards, my voice cracking in my throat as the first angry tears burst from my eyes.

"Jess no it's not-"

"Just shut up Harry! It's exactly what I think! There's nothing you can say that can change it! I can't believe you!" I scream, hysteria setting in to each of my words.

"Jess I can explain-"

"I'd like to see you try," I seethe, "You're just as I always knew you were, I can't believe I let myself be blindsided by you! I fell for you and it was a fucking joke!"

He opens his mouth to speak but I turn away, nearly bumping right into Zack's chest as he grabs me by the shoulders, leaning down so that our faces are only a few inches apart.

"Oh Jess, you didn't really think he cared about you, did you?" He asks, his voice laced with malice coated in sugary sweet sympathy, "Oh dear you did, didn't you?"

His mouth curls into a sneer, his features being that of true evil. He's haunting with his sullen eyes and shaking fingers, grasping me and telling me that all of my worst fears are real.

"Go to hell." I spit, shrugging his hands off me.

"Fine, I won't tell you what you want to know, the secrets he still has." Zack smirks, his feet gingerly working their way in a circle around me.

I meet Harry's eyes, wide and sober. Something about our confrontation has ripped him from his intoxicated state and he's back to being on high alert.

"Shut the fuck up Zack!" He shouts, running forwards and tackling him against the wall.

Rather than being shocked, Zack simply laughs. His head rolls back against the wall as he cackles, his arms bound by Harry's grip and I can tell that any minute Harry's going to snap.

"Oh Harry, you know I have nothing to lose, however you have everything and I intend to toss each and every bit of what you have left into the fire myself," He sneers, his voice low and intentional, calculated to send shivers down your spine, "Why don't we start with the driving shall we? You see Harry used to be a getaway driver for me, he'd cut through police cars on the highway at a hundred miles an hour easy."

"Shut the fuck up!" Harry shouts, his fist pounding into Zack's cheek instantly knocking his head back against the wall.

"Oh, we're just getting started!" Zack shouts exasperatedly, "How about the drugs, Harry? Don't you remember being the delivery man? Or would you like me to bring up the crash first? The one where you killed your best friend and forever ruined your other ones because of the trauma afterwards."

I can't hold back the tears as they burst from my eyes and cascade down my cheeks. I meet Zack's eyes to see him laughing, he's staring right at me, awaiting my reaction. I wish I could contain it, I wish I could hold it back but it's too much. There's too many secrets, too many sides to him and I can't hold it together. My world comes crashing around me, shattering beneath Zack's feet. Harry dares to look at me and I can't bring myself to meet his eyes. I try to convince myself that it's not him, that it's some lookalike, not the man I fell for, but it is, it's all too real.

There's too many secrets, it's all just secrets.

HARRY

When the words come out of his mouth I desperately want to shove them back in. My anger over-boils and my fist flies at him. Before I know it he's on the ground, his laughter erupting from his mouth, the joy he finds in my pain never failing to astound me.

I turn to her with caution, trying to gauge just how much she understood, just how much she knows now. Her eyes are red and watery, the tears streaming down her face. Her fists are balled, her emotions exploding in a fit of anger and exasperation. I know instantly that the tears aren't from sadness but rather anxiousness, not being able to composite herself into a single emotion, it's too much and it's my fault, I caused this.

I move towards her, but she backs away, the tears coming faster and her hesitancy towards me hurting more than any amount of words ever could.

"Jess please-" I say, my voice shakier than I wanted it to be, my hands reaching for her.

"No, don't, you've done enough." She seethes.

She turns away from me, hiccupping through the sobs erupting from her throat as she runs through the front door before I can catch her shirtsleeve. I hear her sobbing through the splintered wood. My hand reaches up and pounds the door, my forehead pressing against the cold wood wishing it was her soft skin.

I listen again for her sniffles and curses for trusting a person like me, but the sounds aren't there. It's silent on the other side of the door and I feel my body finally betraying me. My stomach is knotted a thousand times as an unfamiliar stinging sensation settles in the corners of my eyes.

I feel Niall's hand on my shoulder, giving me a squeeze.

"I'm so sorry man, this is all my fault I told her-"

"Don't." I say, shushing him.

He doesn't speak again but I take small comfort in his hand on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" He asks shakily.

"Yeah I'm fine." I say through gritted teeth, biting my lip to the point of bleeding.

"Do you want me to-"

"No Niall, I just need a minute."

His hand slowly removes itself from my shoulder and I instantly feel cold.

"Okay." He sighs, his voice thick with disappointment.

He turns around to leave me, that's when the tears come. First one, slowly squeezing out of my right eye and sliding down my cheek. It feels so foreign. The glossy vision, the stinging, the dull ache in the pit of my stomach. It's been so long.

She broke me.

I turn around, slowly raising my head on my shoulders to meet Niall's eyes only a few feet away. I see the surprise in his eyes first. The immediate reaction to seeing me crying, something I haven't done in years.

"Go." He says, and I wish I didn't hear him.

The last thing I want to do is go running after her. I'm not supposed to do this. She makes my head hurt in a million ways and my heart beat faster than I've ever known it could. She's a fucking psycho and so am I. We're steady energy, constantly bouncing off each other, feeding off our desperation for one another.

I drag my eyes away from his and rub the backs of my hands against my face. I can feel the heat in my cheeks and the glossiness in my eyes as I open the door and my heart plummets. My eyes land on him outside, holding her in his arms and rubbing his hand up and down her back.

"Of course, you're fucking here right now!" I shout, grabbing Miles by the front of his shirt and yanking him up, all remnants of our amends already forgotten.

"Harry stop it!" She screams, and I can hear the rattle of fear in her voice. I don't dare look at her, she's not going to calm me down now. I look right at him, right through his dreamy little eyes and all I see is fear. He's fucking terrified.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing here?" I seethe through my locked jaw.

"I brought her here because she was looking for you! Because you wouldn't answer your goddamn phone!"

"Miles just stop, let's go." She sighs through her steady tears as she grabs his hand and drags him back towards his car.

"Jess?" I ask, my voice cracking on the single syllable.

She looks up from the ground to meet my eyes for only a split second. As if my heart could be any heavier in my chest, it sinks. It kills me to see her like this. Her warm eyes so cold and swirling in hurt. Her posture thrown to the wind, her body collapsing on herself. Her trembling lips, trembling hands, trembling fingers. I've never felt so much weight on my chest.

I made her this way.

"Jess, please-"

She thrusts her arm in front of herself, pushing me away. She won't look at me.

"No Harry, no more, I can't do this anymore." She whispers to the ground, barely audible to me.

Every word feels like daggers in my chest. She can't do this anymore? My windpipe is constricting, I can't fucking breathe. His arm wraps around her shoulders and she leans into him, away from me. Her hostility burns right through me. My chest hurts, I'm going to pass out.

"Come on." He says to her, leading her away from me.

"Wait, please!" I beg.

She walks faster.

"Jess!" I huff, grabbing her arm.

I just need her to look at me.

"Let go!" She yells, ripping herself away from my touch.

Miles ushers her forward too fast. I'm frozen. I can hear the people all around now. Everyone's come out to watch the grand spectacle of our relationship shattering. Everyone's come out see big bad Styles get his heart stomped on.

In seconds he's opening the car door and she's leaning her head against his shoulder. My feet are cemented to the floor. I can't go anywhere, do anything. I only stare at her and torture myself, watching her leave me.

Suddenly I'm beside her, grabbing her by the shoulders and turning her around.

"Look at me!" I yell at her and the tears continue to flow freely down our cheeks.

I'm frantic and shaking, I don't have control over my own body as I reach for her hands in desperation for her touch. She's shying away from me, she doesn't want me.

"Jess, please, just fucking look at me!" I yell, and she lets out a sob that cracks the last whole piece of me, "Baby, please!" I sob, I'm desperate.

Niall is grabbing me by the shirt and dragging me away. Everything is in slow motion and yet happening so fast. She's crying harder now as she watches me, locking eyes with me across the space between us. She's mouthing my name, I would know it from a mile away. My face is wet, and I can't stop the raging hurricane inside me.

"Why?" I yell, loud enough for her to hear, "Why him?"

Everything stops for a moment as she looks to me and opens her mouth with a shaky breath.

"Because you can't be what he is."

[letsbefeminist]

Hi, I hope I'm not bothering you but I was wondering if you had any advice for like getting your self-esteem/positive self-image back after being cheated on? My s.o. and I decided to still stay together but I'm just having trouble in the aftermath with feeling like myself, or feeling good about myself, or feeling like I'm still attractive to my partner. Also I love your blog and you're always so amazing and sweet in your replies so I hope you don't mind, thank you!

You are definitely not a bother & I’m incredibly sorry you’re even dealing with this right now. It’s a devastating thing to go through & it really can change who you are & how you see/think about yourself.

((This is gonna be looooong as hell tbh & also, thank you for being so sweet! It really made my night & I don’t mind at all you coming to me to talk! 💜💗))

Okaaay, I found out all the way back in November that my partner cheated on me. Like you, i decided to stay with him & work through things but I gotta say, this has been a challenge like no other.

Sooo, I know EXACTLY what you mean about not feeling good about yourself & not feeling attractive to the person you love so dearly. It’s incredibly difficult to feel like yourself when you’ve been betrayed by someone so close to you. By someone who’s supposed to have your back. But you’re still in there my love. It’s just a new scar, that’s all.

Like, it’s taken me months to even attempt this, but day by day lately, I’ve been stacking bricks, trying to build a wall between me & all that bullshit & hurt. Like I literally envision a wall. So yes, it is hard but it’s also doable. Even if it’s slow to happen.

You gotta remember/find out who you are outside of your relationship & outside of being cheated on. Yes, it changes you, it makes you angry & sad & sometimes it’s just agonizing to live with it but it’s not who we are at all. Being cheated on isn’t what defines us!

We are so much more than this shitty thing that happened to us. Sooo much more.

My angel, remember that you weren’t cheated on because you’re unattractive, unworthy, unlovable, or whatever. You’re gonna have to tell yourself this until you listen. Until you actually start believing it. This is legit one of the bricks for my wall & it’s going to be one of the most important ones tbh.

& yeah, this part is DEFINITELY easier said than done, but I’m closer to listening to that today than I was just last month. You’ll get there too. Biggest thing is, don’t rush. Healing takes time. Working on trusting again takes time. Working on feeling like yourself takes time. That’s okay. Believe me.

Next step to building that confidence back up is don’t fucking hate on yourself!!! My goodness, I struggle with this so every time I say that I’m just ugly or that he doesn’t love me I’m knocking a brick off my wall & I got to start over again. That’s unfair to ourselves. We can’t do that.

So every time you start hating on yourself you HAVE to make the conscious effort to quit that shit. Say something nice about yourself. I don’t care if it’s something like your earlobe is cute. Anything positive, no matter how small, is AUTOMATICALLY better than whatever hateful thing you’re saying at the moment. Work on that. Work on being nice to yourself because you’re already going through so much & without a doubt, you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to deserve being cheated on. You wouldn’t say mean things to someone who is already hurting, so why do it to yourself?

Ask for help is the next thing on my list. Find people who boost your confidence & who you can vent to. A family member, your BFF, anyone. Ask them to be your hype man. To remind you how great you are. How fucking gorgeous & sweet you are, how damn funny & smart you are. This is especially important when you start falling into a self-hate spiral. It’s sooo easy to forget how others see us when someone so close changed the way you view yourself, but that positive reinforcement does do a lot. ((& yeah, you’re gonna be like bullshit a lot of the times, but it does help to hear it. Even if you only believe them for a minute, that’s one less minute of feeling horrible)).

You should also try to do all those things that make you feel good about yourself. The things that made you feel lovable & attractive. Whether that’s dressing up & going on a date or something more intimate & personal. Allow yourself to feel sexy in your own eyes & in the eyes of your partner.

Do the things that always seem to make your partner go wild for you (I know how cheesy this sounds😎). If they’re all like “daaaaaaamnnn,” that’s gonna feel pretty fucking good. Bask in those moments because you need that good feeling. It helps so much to feel like you’re fine as hell to your partner & if you find yourself no believing them, revert back to the above.

Also, you’re gonna have to tell your partner what you need from them. Specifically & generically. Like, that was the biggest thing for me & our relationship. I needed him to be an open book so he’s steady being open about who he’s talking to on his phone, what he’s doing on social media & so on & so forth. Like it’s gotten to the point where Im not always having to ask, he’ll just tell me. That helps build the trust back up.

I also asked him to do things that make me feel important & special again. Things that are outside of sex (this is so damn important). Like when he buys me flowers randomly or calls me beautiful when I least expect it, that feel so good. That helps me feel like I’m thought about, cared about, loved & special to him. It sounds basic but that’s what normal partners do & the goal is to feel normal within the relationship again.

You clearly love this person & want this relationship to workout so you’re also gonna need to remind yourself about how they used to make you feel. Like, at some point they made you feel like you were on top of the world. Hold on to those feelings & memories. REMIND YOURSELF THAT THE PERSON WHO MADE YOU FEEL SO GREAT IS STILL IN THERE!!! THAT THEY LOVE YOU FOR YOU!! THAT YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED!!!!

Yes, a lot has changed & you’re gonna have to accept that things can’t go exactly back to the way they used to be. So you gotta work on a better tomorrow. A tomorrow where you can trust this person again. One where you feel normal & good & attractive again. Hold onto the good memories & make even better ones. This all helps you move forward, & that’s the whole point. I know you miss those good ol’ days but those aren’t the only ones that are going to matter & getting caught up on how things used to be is just gonna depress the hell outta you. Like I’ve made myself sick doing this & I’m trying like hell to stop doing it. It’s okay to miss how things were, but if you really want to move on, you got to accept that things have changed & that it can be a good thing.

Another great thing you can do for yourself is live up the moments you feel good. Like when you had a good day, hold onto that. Be excited about that. Be proud of e v e r y single moment that you didn’t think about yourself negatively or about being cheated on, because like I said, it isn’t what defines you.

There’s a lot you are going to have to work on personally. There’s also a lot you’ll have to work on together. You’re going to have to be open when you can & sometimes you’re just gonna have to wipe the tears & keep on keepin’ on. That shit is hard but it’s for you & your relationship. It can be worth it!

Don’t be so quick to doubt yourself & the impact you have on your partner. There is soooo many qualities of yours that would make anyone lucky to have you in their life & lemme tell you, they know this.

Soo if you gotta walk around like the cockiest mofo around in order to believe it, so be it. If that’s what helps get your confidence back up, shooooo then fake it till you make it boo.

It’s gonna take so much strength & courage from you to feel better & to feel like yourself again but it will happen. It’s gonna be agonizing at times & it’ll probably be slow too but progress is progress, no matter how much bullshit you go through to get there.

But, all in all my dear, you are smart, beautiful, kind, sweet, strong as fuck, & worth loving & if you need me to remind you of that, I will. Every day I will.

I want you to be happy & it’s okay to struggle with how you feel. Just know that that’s not the end of the road. This isn’t the only chapter that’s written in your book. You have to remember all the great things about you & that happens one day at time. So be patient. Be gentle with yourself & allow yourself time to heal.

You’ll feel like yourself again one day & you’ll feel attractive & good about yourself one day too. Just know you have my support & I know exactly how you feel so if you ever need to talk shugg, I am here for you.

So let me end all this with hopefully a smile because I’m gonna send you all the great, incredible love vibes your way sugaaaaah 🌈🔮💕💚💘

[thesportssoundoff]

The 2018 UFC Calendar That Remains And One Man’s Stupid Attempt To Book It

Joey

July 23rd

Before we begin, I began this project the day before the UFC's debut in Boise. I figured all things considered it would take me about a week give or take to flesh this whole thing out. It took me a week JUST to get through October. I got to the Denver show on Friday and that was when the UFC dropped all sorts of news about Edgar/Korean Zombie and Mike Perry/Donald Cerrone co-headlining said show. I haven't edited it. I'm not going to edit it. IF ANYTHING, I think not touching what I did before Friday is an important piece of the puzzle. Nothing really puts this project into perspective like having to look at what you did and then something immediately changing that renders it moot. Everything AFTER the UFC in Denver was done pretty much on Sunday night.

The UFC released their schedule this week for the rest of the year. There's a lot of fights upcoming, perhaps more than you can shake a stick at. You're talking 14 events, 7 in the US, 1 in Russia, 1 in China, 2 in South America (Brazil and probably Argentina), 2 in Canada and 1 in the always cool Australia. If you give the UFC it's usual average of 12 fights a show then you're looking at probably 168 fights across the course of four months. We've got 3 in September, 2 in October, 5 in November and 4 in December which is about close-ish to what we got last year. Of course two of those cards are on Fight Pass, one is on Big Fox, five are on PPV and unless I'm mistaken the remaining 6 are on FS1. I did this in the beginning of the year (foolishly I might add) but now with the year coming to a close, I might as well take one final swing at it am I right? Here's my belief on what we're going to get from the UFC to close out 2018 from show to show and as Brock Lesnar once lovingly said "From sea to shining sea!"

September 8th

Dallas, Texas

UFC 228

Main Event: Tyron Woodley vs Colby Covington

Co-Main Event: Valentina Shevchenko vs Nicco Montano

There's really nothing immediately on the docket to feel comfortable about as a headliner.  A natural-ish fit would be Ortega vs Holloway in a rebooking but Holloway's return to action is unknown. Jeremy Stephens, if he beats Aldo of course, could fight Edgar or Ortega for an interim title fight here if need be. Frankie is apparently a week away from being able to train again so an early July to early September set up is plenty of time for a dude who is  well known for his ability to be ready regardless of the circumstances. Already announced we have Zhabit/Yair and Jon Dodson vs Jimmie Rivera plus it seems pretty likely that Montano vs Shevchenko is getting announced soon-ish. That's not a main event and shouldn't be confused as such BUT it could be a respectable #2 on the bill.

September 15th

Moscow, Russia

UFC Fight Night

Main Event: Mark Hunt vs Aleksei Olynik

Co-Main Event: Shamil Abdurakhimov vs Andrei Arlovski

Consider this a mild, tepid dipping of the toe into the Russian fight market. The UFC's first event in Russia is a Fight Pass card; not even cracking the likes of FS1 or a PPV setting. While China got Anderson Silva and Kelvin Gastelum, Russia was getting Fabricio Werdum and Alexey Oleynik. That's still a fine main event but clearly not on the same level as the perceived GOAT and the top MW prospect in the division. That fight got USADA'd and in its place, we got Hunt vs Oleynik which is totally fine. A co-main event of Curtis Blaydes vs Alexander Volkov fell apart with Blaydes being hurt and Volkov opting to get paid to weigh in as a UFC 226 replacement. The UFC cut prices before the event to, in so many words, allow for poor people to get into the event and seats apparently are going to be at your standard UFC Fight Pass levels where they open up the bowl sections and ground floor only. There's been some rumors of the likes of Islam Makachev, Jorge Masvidal, Jimi Manuwa, Petr Yan, Nikita Krylov and Mairbek Taisumov (!) all getting a chance to fight but I'm betting when all's said and done, we're looking at Arlovski and Abdurakhimov being our co-main event of the evening. Or morning depending on where you are.

September 22nd

Sao Paolo, Brazil

UFC Fight Night

Main Event: John Lineker vs Raphael Assuncao

Co-Main Event: Alex "Cowboy" Oliveira vs Neil Magny

The UFC's brazilian ranks are being casually wiped out be it due to injuries, ineffectiveness, fighters leaving or retiring. The last show of the year from Brazil needs A GUY but finding A GUY who can headline is sort of tough in this market. The one thing I hold steadfast is the possibility that they could actually try giving a female fighter a chance to headline (Gadelha vs Calderwood at 125 lbs was something I thought of). I even figured Demian Maia is always like a phone call away as well but I can't think of a guy I'm excited to see him fight (or just a guy for him to fight at all). Gimme Lineker vs Assuncao in a true #1 contender fight since Marlon Moraes' two amazing highlight reel KOs probably vaults him about Raphael even with the loss. Also keep an eye on Formiga vs Pettis here as well since it's a natural "no shit" #1 contender fight at flyweight.

October 6th

Las Vegas, Nevada

UFC 229

Main Event: Conor McGregor vs Khabib Nurmagomedov

Co-Main Event: Holly Holm vs Ketlein Vieira

We've already got the unofficial official announcements of Sean O'Malley and Frankie Edgar/Korean Zombie for Vegas. One of the rumors going around is that the UFC plans on doing something, likely an interim placeholder title, for Holm vs Vieira. If so, you should absolutely do it on THIS card because the only way you're going to get folks excited about that fight is if it's got a McGregor-esque support attached to it. Conor vs Khabib will probably happen this year, if not in October then I'd bet in MSG. Conor vs Khabib IMO is a serious test of what is or isn't a big buyrate these days. The last BIG fight we had was Gennady-Canelo which did (IMO) a somewhat surprisingly meh 1.2 million----and this should beat that and comfortably. If it doesn't then we've got shit to talk about. Conor/Khabib, Holm/Vieira, Edgar/Zombie, O'Malley plus Darren Till (who apparently is a lock for this card) seems like a damn good top 5 to me.

October 27th

Moncton, Canada

Fight Night on FS1

Main Event: Rafael Dos Anjos vs Kamaru Usman

Co-Main Event: Ilir Latifi vs the winner of Glover Teix/Corey Anderson

I don't know what necessarily is in Moncton but the UFC tries in theory to go to new markets and bring special cards. The problem is they always tend to get picked apart due to injuries. As for this card? Well there were rumors that Usman vs RDA was the next fight to make in the Fall sometime and this seems like a fine enough time for it. Usman could also be a sleeper for the 170 lb title picture if there's an injury or whatever. As for the co-main? By all accounts Ilir is expected to be back in the middle of the Fall and so I'm betting this could be a good enough time. Latifi vs the winner of Glover/Corey Anderson isn't a perfect fight but there are worse fights to be co-main events. If anything it's a relevant fight at a division that's still trying to figure out what relevant is. Throw in PVZ vs Rachael Ostovich (come on now it HAS to happen) and Elias Theodorou for good measure for main card related purposes.

November 3rd

New York, New York

UFC 230

Main Event: Jon Jones vs Daniel Cormier

Co-Main Event: Brian Ortega vs the Jeremy Stephens/Jose Aldo winner or Max Holloway Third title fight: Cody Garbrandt/TJ Dillashaw winner vs Marlon Moraes Yoel Romero vs Ovince St. Preux Chris Weidman vs Paolo Costa

I'm betting that we're going to get the Jon Jones news any day now of a one year suspension redacted to July. If so, I'm betting the UFC puts Jones vs DC together with Cormier knowing that win or lose, the Brock fight awaits. DC seems really open to fighting at 205 lbs in the interim while he waits for Brock so I'm guessing/betting that if it's not Jones then it's a Shogun or a Gus here in this spot. The co-main event is a little more....prickly. Until I hear something about Max Holloway, I'm going to continue to believe that the rumors about him suffering something traumatic during his weight cut are true enough for me to not think we see him again this year. That means Ortega's going to have to fight somebody for the belt and if so, the winner of Stephens/Aldo lines up pretty damn well time wise. If Stephens knocks off Aldo then he'll have earned this shot no questions asked. The third title fight (because MSG tradition says three) was a toss up between Mighty Mouse coming back, the rumored Nunes/Cyborg fight or the TJ/Cody winner. Marlon Moraes is coming off of TWO 1st round finishes of the highest order and I think that puts him above Assuncao who has a better overall resume (and the win tie breaker) but no flashy "This is my title shot" moment. Moraes has that. As for the rest of the main card? Yoel Romero vs Gus seems like THE perfect fight to make but Gustafsson is seemingly not up for a Romero clash. That could in turn open the door for Romero vs OSP since they seem to gel up timeline wise (Romero had surgery, OSP has a family matter he's dealing with). Chris Weidman vs Paolo Costa is a rumored fight the UFC wants to put together for MSG and I'd be totally okay with that fight for both guys.  Throw in some "names" on the undercard and this card could/should be the 2nd biggest show of the year. If Jones vs DC III with two title fights doesn't get people excited then I'm not sure what else there is to offer y'all.

November 10th

Denver, Colorado

25th Anniversary Fight Night

Main Event: Tony Ferguson vs Dustin Poirier/Eddie Alvarez loser

Co-Main Event: Donald Cerrone vs Mike Perry (at 170)/Kevin Lee (at 155)

The UFC has built a whole marketing promotion for this one so this show might get a big damn deal. Tony Ferguson vs the loser of Poirier/Alvarez seems like a natural-ish fit for this card given that Ferguson is expected to be back by the end of 2018. Ferguson isn't getting the Khabib/Conor winner and I get the feeling that if Poirier wins, he's getting the title shot. This is a damn important stay busy fight at lightweight for both guys. As for Cerrone vs Perry? Donald Cerrone is a big deal in Colorado and if he stays at WW, this is a damn good fight for him. Otherwise? I like Cerrone vs Kevin Lee as a fight if Cerrone TRULY wants to try 155 lbs again. He shouldn't but if he does? Good fit for me. I like this fight a bunch. Throw in Sage Northcutt (!!!!!!!), Chad Mendes vs Mirsad Bektic, Do Bronz Oliveira vs David Teymur, Cat Zingano vs Rocky Pennington and the Rivera/Dodson winner vs Alejandro Perez and we're off to the races!

November 17th

Buenos Aires, Argentina

Fight Night

Main Event: Santiago Ponzinibbio vs Leon Edwards

Co-Main EVent: Dominick Reyes vs Jan Blachowicz

Take two! The UFC heads into Argentina (after flirting with a November 2017/Feb 2018 visit) and with Ponz healthy and ready to go, I'd imagine Argentina is about to experience a Ponzi Scheme. Ya like that? I like it. Ponzinnibio vs Edwards feels like a great piece of matchmaking given their respective winning streaks and the fact that Till, Covington and Usman have all leapfrogged them in the division. Good easy work here. The co-main is more about finding out what Dominick Reyes CAN'T do at this point. I've seen him steamroll dudes with enough ease to get a little curious/froggy as to what necessarily else he's got for us. I am, dare I say, intrigued. Jan has proven himself again after an up and down UFC run. The time is now and it'll never be more ready than now for thesetwo. Blachowicz might even be overqualified for the job but who cares? There's plenty of fun developing Latin American talent to find a spot for on this show, like Julio Arce, Moggly Benitez, Vicente Luque (Brazilian with Chilean roots), the eternally underrated Enrique Barzola and some of the other fine Latin American fighters in the UFC and trying to get into the UFC.

November 24th

Shanghai, China

UFC Fight Night (likely on Fight Pass)

Main Event: Francis Ngannou vs Marcin Tybura

Co-Main Event: Walt Harris vs the Arlovski/Shamil Adburahkhimov winner

Would the UFC try to run back Anderson Silva in China? I'm not sure they wouldn't consider it. As more and more decent Chinese fighters start to filter into the UFC, the Chinese market seems to actually be on the verge of finally breaking through.  If there's one thing the UFC is frequently "good" at; it's sending big dudes to foreign markets to try and appeal to casual audiences with size. With the likes of Song Yadong, Li Jingliang, Guan Wang, Kenan Song and some of the Chinese female mixed martial artists at the ready; the undercard should be loaded up with local-ish talent who can be relied upon for undercard support. With that being laid down? Go big at the top. I can't think of a more direct message to send to Francis Ngannou than to put him on a Fight Pass event while still getting max value out of him with a big main event for an international crowd. Ngannou vs Tybura is a fine test for Francis and it trumps a rumored JDS fight which doesn't make a whole bunch of sense given that JDS is coming off his first win in forever while Ngannou has dropped two in a row.  Throw in a Yushin Okami fight as well just to confirm you hate your audience. We all know you do! Also would be totally down for Li Jingliang vs Chad Laprise or someone of that ilk.

November 30th

Las Vegas, Nevada

TUF Finale

Main Event: Derrick Lewis vs Justin Willis

Co-Main Event: One of the TUF Finales (below that though and another TUF finale, Brad Tavares vs Thiago Marreta)

If big dudes throwing punches isn't your thing then November might be a rough month for y'all. I ALMOST went with JDS here but I'll pass on that one to be honest. Lewis vs Justin Willis is a good test for Willis and with a lengthy stretch of time off, the Black Beast can maybe get his back right. Wouldn't be opposed to Mark Hunt vs Lewis II either. This is the last TUF of all time and it features HWs so might as well give them a HW fight too.

December 1st

Adelaide, Australia

Fight Night

Main Event: Israel Adesanya vs Derek Brunson

Co-Main Event: Alexander Volkanovski vs Josh Emmett

The Australian/Kiwi/NZ fighter's revolution is still off and popping. Right on time too as the UFC is heading to Australia in December with dudes like Tai Tuavasa, Dan Hooker, Alexander Volkanovski, Jessica Rose Clark and Israel Adesanya at the top of the run. RIGHT off the jump we've got a problem as Yoel Romero and Luke Rockhold are out of the division, Weidman and Costa are matched up, Jacare and Brunson are matched up and you've got Gastelum waiting on Whittaker. That in turn leads us to Adesanya vs Derek Brunson win or lose vs Shoeface. At this point I feel like Adesanya has been sped up so fast that it's basically a lock that he'll take on a Brunson type next. That brings us to the co-main where it's time for Volkanovski to get a bigger name. Dude's earned this shot. Volkanovski vs Emmett makes sense or even Volkanovski vs Lamas, Bektic or any of THOSE guys would be damn cool. Throw in Tai Tuavasa vs a fun punching bag and you've got one hell of a top three and Tyson Pedro vs Devin Clark too.

December 8th

Toronto, Canada

UFC 231

Main Event: Rose Namajunas vs Karolina Kowalkiewicz/Jessica Andrade winner

Co-Main Event: Junior Dos Santos vs Mark Hunt 2 Anderson Silva vs Uriah Hall Stephen Thompson vs Gunnar Nelson Jordan Mein vs Michael Chiesa

The UFC is going to try and give Toronto something special. This SEEMED on paper like the perfect spot to roll out the Whittaker vs Gaselum title fight but Rob is out into February. An interim fight here doesn't make much sense I guess. The best option is probably the most likely option and that's going to be a 115 lb title fight at the top of the bill. In the mean time and in between time, I'm a big fan of the idea of giving the strawweight division EVERY chance to succeed. Maybe a 115 lb title fight won't draw a major crowd on its own but JDS vs Mark Hunt 2 and Anderson Silva (!) makes for a damn fine balance of options across the board for a main card. Throw in two good WW fights plus every Canadian under the sun in the prelim spots and I think we're good to go here!

December 15th

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

UFC on Fox

Main Event: Alexander Gustafsson vs Luke Rockhold

Co-Main Event: Anthony Pettis vs Al Iaquinta

Outside of just popping a number for old time's sake, the UFC really has no incentive to do anything "big" here. It's a finale for Fox, one last chance for them and the UFC to put on a good show before Fox goes into bed with pro bowling and the UFC moves on to ESPN. The main event is a fine enough rebooking as Rockhold's debut at 205 vs Alexander Gustafsson still SEEMS like a pretty great idea. It's not a Milwaukee showcase without Anthony Pettis as the dude looks to continue his career rebuild at 155 lbs. I'm not entirely all in on yet on his return BUT I'm loving the idea of it. I ALMOST went with Mighty Mouse here vs Sergio Pettis as the main event but I don't know if that fight happens on Fox since there's really no major incentive for it to be on Fox. Throw in Mackenzie Dern vs Jessica Aguilar in a showcase fight/test for Dern and Edson Barboza vs David Teymur and we should be fine enough to go here.

December 29th

Las Vegas, Nevada

UFC 229

Main Event: Amanda Nunes vs Cris Cyborg

Co-Main Event: TJ/Cody loser vs Dominick Cruz

Carlos Condit vs Robbie Lawler Cynthia Calvillo vs Michelle Waterson Khalil Rountree vs Jimi Manuwa

And so we might as well end the year hot. With the final show in Vegas, it sure seems like some form of Nunes vs Cyborg is happening. In truth it's the biggest fight that WMMA can conjure up currently so I have no issue with that. Beyond that though? I think no fight is going to sell like that one will so you might as well support the undercard for thee last remaining WMMA anti-fans. Don't want to see Nunes vs Cyborg? Well how about a rematch of the best WW fight ever @ your mom about it? Lawler should be back by then and Condit has already said he wants one more go of it at 170 lbs. If ANY fight is going to get people up for one last final run, it's that one. TJ or Cody vs Dom Cruz buys us some time for Assuncao and company to maybe get a title fight in the interim. That and TJ vs Cruz 2 still has some high upside appeal to me. Calvillo vs Waterson may not appeal to everybody but Waterson is usually in a fun fight and I'm still high up on Calvillo's upside. Khalil Rountree probably fights four times between now and this show but I really think Rountree vs Manuwa can be a bonkers striking battle. Throw in Zhabit Magomedsharipov, Claudia Gadelha vs Felice Herrig, some combination of DWTCS guys, a HW fight of a high caliber and plenty of fake rumors about a second title fight and we're off to the races!

[maylovexhs]

GUILTY(H.S) - CHAPTER 8

Author’s Note: Yes, I haven’t uploaded a Guilty Chapter in a long time but I promise it’s worth it. Lots of dialogue. Enjoy loves!  For previous chapters you can find it in my Masterlist 

November 22, 2017

“Have you came up with any names” Dahila asked.

Yes, Dahila. Dex’s workaholic of a sister. She actually took a break to come see me. I didn’t know what for, but I enjoyed her company.

“A few” I said. “But my mother always said the name will come up you when you the moment is here”

“Hmm probably true for my brother” Dahila joked, as we stepped out of the elevator and into my apartment.

“I know what kind of a name is Dexter?” I played along.

It was dark, the place. Funny, since I usually leave them on for the dogs. Dex was here last.

“Why are all the lights closed?” I asked, turning on the switch.

“CONGRATULATIONS!” 

I jumped when I heard shouting from behind. I turned around to see all my friends together. Jennifer. Ashley. Emma. Blake. They all were here. I noticed pink decorations on the wall. Dahlia actually came here for a reason. I internally started to panic. This can’t be happening.

“Surprise! We wanted you to have a baby shower” Blake said gleaming with pride.

I nodded my head, trying to adjust to the scenery of my apartment. This couldn’t be worse timing. I’m in my nesting phase of my pregnancy. I wanted everything to be order just like how I like it. Not by a bunch of friends who come every once in a while. This is going to take forever to clean up.

“You should have told me” I gushed, blushing. “I’m nesting and needed a warning of all this” 

“Well, you’re about to give birth and you deserve this” Emma explained.

“I’m 31 weeks. I’m no where close to giving birth” I testified. 

“Give her a chance Mel” Dex said, coming out of the crowd. “It probably will be our last social outing” He joked.

I crossed my arms, thinking. It’s just one day, right?

“Fine” I said, giving in. “But no more surprises”

“Yay. Come on” Ashley grabbed my hand, pulling me toward the couch.

 Either everyone else followed me or went to the kitchen to get food.

“So tell us everything” Ashley asked while we sat down.

“Do you want something to drink?” Dahlia asked, interrupting our conversation.

“Get her the pink lemonade” Emma suggested.“It’s good”

“Pink it is” I said with Dahlia going.

“Tell about what?” I asked. 

“The baby?”

“No silly. We all know about the baby already” Ashley said.

“All that matters that’s she’s healthy and her parents are fine. It’s a she right?” Jen asked, referring to the baby.

“Omg Jen we told you it’s a girl!” Emma exclaimed.

“Sorry. You know I’m forgetful!” Jen said playing it off.

Dahlia came back with my lemonade. She set it on the table in front of me.

“Do you want anything to eat?” Dahlia asked. 

“No, no. I’m fine” I answered. “Come sit with us”

“I’m better standing” Dahlia said, smiling.

I shrugged at her response.

“How’s Dex? How’s he’s reacting to becoming a Dad?” Blake asked. 

“I know he hadn’t had the best example but I trust him. I know he’ll be a great dad” I said thinking about my future with him.

I took a sip of the pink lemonade.

“How about to Harry?” Ashley asked.

I almost choked on my lemonade when she brought him up.

“Harry?” I asked, surprised. 

“Your ex? You’re still friends with him right?” Ashley continued with her questions. 

“Yeah? And?” I asked, not being bothered.

“It must be weird. Having share your partner with an ex” Ashley stated.

“Ash, I think you’re making Mel a bit uncomfortable” Emma said, trying to steer the conversation away.

“Actually no” I replied.“Dex trusts me. Harry and I are obviously done with that phrase”

“Obviously. Have you seen him at the Victoria secret show?” Jen brought up.

“Wait isn’t he with-“ Dahlia tried to ask but I cut her off.

“Camille? I wouldn’t call it that. It’s more of a stunt” I confirmed.

“How do you know?” Blake asked.

“I never seen them kiss. What couple doesn’t kiss?” I spoke.

“A couple that doesn’t show pda?” Ashley pointed out.

“Sounds like you and Dex” Jen claimed.

“What?!? We do kiss?!” I defended us.

“Not in the magazines I read” Jen responded.

“I’ll be back” Dahlia said to me.

*DEX’S POV*

I should have left earlier. Being surrounded by all girls was not fun. I’ve been distracting myself with my phone till now when Dahlia walked up to me.“Yes?” I asked her, still looking at my phone.

“So . . You and Amelia?” Dahlia brought up. 

I knew she was up to something. Being her twin, we shared the same sense of mischief. I could always sense when something was wrong.

“Why do have a smug look on your face?” I asked, turning to her. 

“You know why” Dahlia grinned. “When are you going to propose?”

Was I surprised? No. Disappointed in Dahlia to not trust my intentions with Amelia? Yes.

“Excuse me? Propose?”

“She’s pregnant with your baby, Dexter. It only makes sense” Dahlia reminded.

“I’m not going to propose while she’s pregnant” I said.

“Why not? The baby is just gonna make her want her freedom more” Dahlia voiced. 

I got a bit offended when she involved the baby.

“Are you saying the baby-“

“All I’m saying it’s better now than later. Besides you’re not the man they are talking about right now” Dahlia stated.

“What?” I asked, taken off guard.

“You heard me. Take my advice Dex. Before it’s too late” Dahlia said before walking away.

I can’t believe I’m related to her.

AMELIA’S POV

“PRESENT TIME! Everyone come around! You too father!” Emma shouted.

I sat on the chair closest to the presents. Dexter sat beside me and held hands with me, being supportive.

“Just so you know Victoria gave us a list of what you wanted” Blake said to me.

“Oh great now I dont have to go shopping” I lied. 

Everyone knows mother knows best. Best baby carriage. Best crib. I’m probably gonna return everything.

“So which one do you want to open first?” Dex asked me.

“Depends did you get me a present?” I smiled, knowing he did. 

“White box with pink ribbons” He pointed to it. 

“You heard him” I said to Emma.

“Wanna open it?” She asked grabbing it.

“Sure” I answered.

She handed it to me. I started to unwrap it by untying the ribbons. I looked inside the box to find a bear. An identical bear I had when I was a child but much new. 

“Oh my god. You didn’t!” I exclaimed, almost on the edge of an emotional outburst.

I could have sworn my mother threw it out as I got older.

“I know you wanted to give it to her. Plus” 

Dex pressed the leg of the bear. An “I love you” in his voice was heard. I wiped my tears away as they streamed down my cheeks.

“Thank you” I said with a sincere smile.

“I know” Dex said nodding.“What next?” Emma asked me.“Oooh do that big box in the other room!” Jen suggested.“There’s a big box?” I asked, surprised. “Yup! I can move it here” Jen said.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

She may have been in many actions movies but I seriously doubted her strength right now.

“Yeah, I moved it a little before” She said.

Jen walked into the dining room. I got up and followed her. With me came all the other girls and Dex. The box was pretty big. It must have took forever to tie ribbons around the whole white box. It was almost my height but a bit shorter. Jen began to pushing the box but failing to move it.

“Jen” I called on her, trying to get her to stop.

“I swear I could. I work out for a reason!” She defended.

“Just stop” I stated. “Who is it from?”

Jen ripped the tag on top off, reading it.

“It says . . H” Jen said.

Harry. I smiled at the thought of him. 

“H as in Harry?” Emma asked me.

“Open it” I said.

Blake joined Jen in untying the box. Once they did, the sides of the box fell down revealing a bear. A big gigantic bear. 

“A gift for a baby? More like a gift for me?” Ashley joked.

“Well I think that beats all of our presents” Emma said. 

“There’s also a card with it” Blake said reaching down to grab it next to the bear.

“I’ll read it later. Where the hell are we gonna put this?” I asked, looking to Dex. 

“It definitely won’t fit in the crib” Dex answered.

“I’ll keep it!” Ashley shouted in a sarcastic tone.

The rest of the girls laughed. Best baby shower ever. Probably my only baby shower ever.

“How many baby books did we get?” Dex asked opening another present.

It was late at night, a quarter to 11 exactly. I, of course, being in her nesting phrase had to clean the entire house after the party by myself. Dex volunteered to help too but I was reluctant since I insisted everything to be clean in ‘my way’. I did let him put the leftover food away.

“Probably a bunch. Baby books are a safe bet” I said nuzzling into the bear Harry brought.

 Dex threw the baby books on the couch next to where he sat. He turned to me.

“That’s supposed to be for the baby, Mel” Dex reminded. 

“I can’t help it. My tiredness kicked in and it’s just so cuddly” I said, hugging the bear tighter.

Dex opened another present.

“Wow we really can’t get rid of him!” He said, in a sarcastic voice.

“What?” I asked, turning to him.

Dex took out a book and showed it to me.

“Harold and purple crayon book” He said, referring to the book.

“Speaking of him, can you FaceTime him?” I asked Dex.

“Why? It’s your baby shower” Dex mentioned.

“I wanna say thanks for the bear” I said.

Dexter reached for my phone that was on the table. He already knew my passcode and FaceTime Harry. Harry quickly picked up.

“Dexter! Hiya bud” I heard Harry from the phone.

“Hey bro! Someone wants to see you” Dexter said before turning the phone in the direction of me.

“‘Melia! Yeh’ got my present!” Harry said, obviously excited.

“Yeah! It’s so cuddly! I just wanted to say thanks” I said, hugging the bear again.

“Yeh’ like it?” He asked, smiling. 

“I don’t like it. I love it. And I love you too” I said, with my tiredness taking over my mind.

I truly didn’t know what I was going to say until the moment I said it.Harry lips turned into sweet smile.

“I love you too ‘Melia” Harry said.

Dexter turned the phone back in the direction of him.

“Just not in a love love way right?” Dex asked, pretending to be jealous.

I laughed at the situation.

“A friendship love” I said, smiling.

Dex winked at me, understanding what I meant. 

“Anyways thank you” Dex said to Harry. 

“No probl’em” Harry said.

“When are you coming back?” I quickly asked.

“In a few weeks. I have a couple of shows left” Harry said.

“Well finish them fast” I said. “I missed our tourist outings” 

“I’ll try my best” Harry spoke.

“We gotta go Harry” Dex said switching the topic. “Some of us have to sleep” 

“Al’right. Goodnight yeh two” Harry said.

“FaceTime you tomorrow H” I yelled, promising him. 

“I’ll FaceTime you later. Goodnight Mel. Night Dex” Harry said.

Time zones. I loved them and yet I hated them.

“Goodnight!” Dex and I wished him at the same time.

Dex ended the call, setting my phone on the couch.I got up from the floor, grabbing and carrying the bear and started to carry it with me to the bedroom.

“Are you taking it to bed?” Dex asked.

“I can’t help it. It’s so cuddly!” I stated, walking slowly.

“Does this mean I’m sleeping to the couch?” 

“Unless you beat me!” I loudly said.

“That’s a goddamn bet!” Dex shouted behind me.

I heard footsteps stomp louder as they got closer. Dex passed me and jumped on the bed. When I got to the bedroom, I set the bear against my dresser. I got into bed, putting my lips out for Dex to kiss me which he did. I certainly could be happy if every night was like this.

[piasservicedogfund]

Dear Ellen,

I hope all is well with you!

I know you are busy but I wanted to take a moment to try and share my story with you - as I have said before on this blog, I know there are causes more worthy than mine but I think my story is important nonetheless because I’m sure there are many women other who have a similar story.  So here I go...just to give you a quick idea of who I am, my name is Pia and I am a 28 year old German / American citizen who lives in a tiny German village on my own (well not completely, I do have a 10 year old rescue pug named Benny & a 19 year old rescue persian named Emerald Anastasia von Cuddlesworth - aka Aunna or Aunna Banana). I grew up a military brat and don’t really have a home town, I was born in Lebanon, TN but didn’t stay there long -- in fact, I’ve never lived anywhere longer than four years so I don’t really have a ‘home town’. My family and friends are spread out around the world, with my closest relatives being an hour and a half away and my parents being at least two flights away in Gallup, NM.  I originally started this blog only as a fundraiser for a service dog to help me with my newly diagnosed auto immune disorder but as time has gone on I hope to have it serve a higher purpose as well; I want to raise awareness for a couple of things...

1. I want to help spread the word about the rare auto immune disorder that I was diagnosed with (more on that below) so that others who might be suffering with this disorder can get answers too. I also want to talk about life with an invisible disability / chronic pain or chronic illness. So many people suffer silently or face back lash when dealing with something that others can’t see. It’s time to end the stigma against invisible chronic illness / chronic pain. Just because you cannot see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there - we must all remember to be kind for “everyone we meet is fighting a hard battle”.  2. I am also a domestic abuse survivor and I want to let anyone else who is stuck in an abusive relationship (whether it is verbal abuse and manipulation, physical abuse, or both) know that no matter what life throws at you - you deserve to love yourself, to protect yourself and to fight for yourself... 3. I want to talk about Gender (and other) Bias in medicine because it is a VERY real issue that needs to be addressed! So here is a little more of my story... On June 5th 2020, after 2+ years of searching for an answer as to why I was sick and in pain all the time, I was finally diagnosed with a rare auto immune disorder called ANCA Vasculitis, or antineutrophil cytoplasmic antibody-associated vasculitis. ANCA Vasculitis is the name of a group of autoimmune conditions characterized by the inflammation of the blood vessels caused by the immune system mistakenly attacking them. There are several types of ANCA vasculitis and the exact cause (genetic / environmental / etc) is unknown, so patients diagnosed with ANCA vasculitis may display varied symptoms. The disease affects about 1 in 50,000 people. Due to the generic symptoms many of us have (chronic pain, sore throat, cough, cold and flu like symptoms, headaches, etc.) this disorder is often over looked. Many people don’t receive a diagnosis until something major has happened (organ failure for example). This disorder can be deadly if left untreated and too many women (and men) have symptoms like the above brushed off...especially if they have a history of mental illness or are dealing with a lot of stress as I was; 

I first started searching for answers to my growing health concerns in 2018. I had just moved from Germany to Scotland to start my life over - I was finally leaving my abusive spouse with the help of my amazing parents - I had my first “grown up” job with Hilton Corporate and was going to work and get my Masters Degree (I have a BA in Anthropology and was hoping to get my MSc in Animal Welfare Science, Ethics & Law at the University of Glasgow or at the University of Edinburgh). I was so excited to start over! So excited that I may have pushed the trauma and emotional scarring of my abusive marriage down for the first few months I was there and everything was peachy. Of course, those moments of bliss could not last forever. Still, I was settled in a new country (which BTW I had never even been to Glasgow prior to moving there) and I felt relatively safe for the first time in over a year - here my spouse could not find me or hurt me. I began seeing a therapist to help me unpack the trauma of my past. Of course, I was worried what people would think - as I’m sure you can imagine my spouse’s version of why we were getting a divorce was very different from mine so I tried to keep everything as quiet as possible. I didn’t want to deal with any backlash because, in his eyes, as always, everything was my fault. It wasn’t the fact that he had wanted to kill me at one point - nooo that certainly wasn’t why I was leaving (sarcasm) - In his eyes it was because I wanted an older man or because I just wasn’t willing to try to fix things...(even though I was the one who had suggested marriage counseling in the first place). It wasn’t the fact that he’d isolated me or cut me off from our finances. No, nothing was ever his fault... Even now, when I no longer have contact with him or his family I am afraid... This is the first time I have openly spoken about our marriage and divorce and as I have begun to tell my story I’m terrified that he’ll try to contact me or that I will receive backlash from him or his family (I am sure many of them would take his side and call me a liar...). I am speaking out now for two reasons - the first was because I only think it is fair and right to be completely honest about who I am and how I ended up where I am now if I’m going to be asking  my family and friends for financial assistance and two because I want to help others who are or were victims of abuse. When I finally came out with my story a friend contacted me and told me she had been through the same type of situation with her spouse and it was a really lovely moment - we’d both been suffering in silence for fear of back lash but had now found each other.  Anyway, back to the matter at hand... The first symptom I had was pain, chronic pain all over my body. My back, legs, arms, knees, ankles, feet, wrists, you name it - it hurt - and it kept getting worse and worse. I was having to take pain killers every day just to get to work and come home. I was extremely tired, no matter how many hours of sleep I got (6, 8, 10...) I was always tired. Then I started having headaches that would last for hours, then for days, then for weeks. I started to feel like I had a cold (on good days) or the flu (on bad days). My throat was sore, my voice was hoarse, I was congested and then I started having night sweats or trouble controlling my temperature (freezing even though the heat was on and the electric fire place was going). When I spoke to my doctors about my concerns it was written off as stress, depression, or anxiety. Whenever someone in the office I worked in got sick (you know how it goes around in an office environment) I would get sick too... my co workers would feel unwell for a few days, I would feel unwell for weeks. I then got strep throat but the doctors said I’d be fine with a few days rest. A few days went by and it turned into bacterial tonsillitis. I had to have multiple rounds of antibiotics. Then I had a stomach infection that lasted for over a month, a cough that lasted for months (November 2018 - March 2019). At one point I was coughing so hard I thought I would pass out. I coughed till I puked. I coughed till I pulled a muscle. My blood work kept showing elevated levels of inflammation / signs of an infection but since doctors didn’t know why they told me it was probably just fibromyalgia (something which shouldnt’ be diagnosed until all other possible causes have been ruled out). The rheumatologist in Scotland said there was no cure but I could do yoga, meditate, and maybe take an anti depressant... I felt like I was dying - I didn’t understand how I could feel so sick and no one seemed to take me seriously or care. A year and a half later (June 2019) I decided to move back to Germany - Brexit was looming and I just wasn’t happy in Glasgow anymore. Everyday was a struggle, my bus commute to and from work often took an hour and would leave me in so much pain I could barely get up off the couch at the end of the day. Plus work was not happy with all of the sick days I’d had to take. Keeping in mind that I felt sick everyday and I only took sick days when I had a high fever or wasn’t able to talk or walk.  My parents lived in Germany at the time so I found a job where I could work at home in Germany and moved back in hopes of finding answers.  A few months after moving back to Germany my parents sadly had to go to the US so I was once again alone in a new area. In November 2019 my cough returned and I was sick again with an unexplained “upper respiratory infection”. Once again I was put on multiple rounds of antibiotics which didn’t help - To make things worse I am allergic to almost all cough syrup and since I was working in a call center I was off work sick. The cough lasted till mid January this time and I lost my job. Work “understood” that I was going through a tough time and “felt horrible” for letting me go - they said I could reapply when I was “healthy”... and to top things off, my emotional support animal of 8 years, my baby girl Biene (a 11 year old Australian Cattle dog), my rock and constant companion, was then diagnosed with cancer and passed in December of 2019.  I have to admit that these have been some of the hardest moments of my life... I have felt like such a failure and disappointment. I was an adult, I was supposed to be married and adopting kids (I’ve never wanted biological children due to my health issues), I was supposed to be getting my masters degree and leading a successful career, I wanted to travel and I wanted to be a source of positivity and happiness in the world... but instead I was broke, alone, grieving, depressed, anxious, and continuously sick... I have had to rely on my parents financially and have felt like a burden...I wanted to give up...but I kept fighting. Life gives us new reasons to keep living. I had a few great moments, I was blessed with a few opportunities for travel and have enjoyed those moments. I have great friends and family who continued to support me and who told me I was not a burden on their lives, so I kept fighting. I felt like my new German doctor wasn’t taking me seriously and once again was chalking everything up to stress and then later to grief (over losing my dog). So I found a new doctor a little further away and she listened to me - for the first time in a long time I felt like I had seen a doctor who actually cared. She helped me get in with a rheumatologist and she advocated for me. She agreed that my blood work constantly showing elevated levels of inflammation / infection - for over a 2 year period - along with me constantly feeling unwell wasn’t something to just be ignored but was an important symptom. While she had no idea what was wrong with me she was determined to help me find answers.  In May I finally went and saw the rheumatologist - at first I thought all hope was lost, in our very first meeting she said to me “ I don’t think there is anything wrong with you”. She had barely looked at my paperwork and had barely listened to my symptoms. They sounded too generic for her...she didn’t think ti could be anything “rheumatic”... I was so young... It was probably stress... I’d heard it all before; but still she did her job, she ran the tests and a month later I was suddenly called back in for another appointment. My blood work showed what I had known all along - that I was sick - that I needed help and she admitted that she’d been wrong.  It’s only been 12 days since I was finally diagnosed but its been a roller coaster of emotions for me - relief and validation - fear and anger and sadness... my life has so not gone to plan. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 12 and the added stresses of the instances above, and the near constant pain (both emotional and physical) have not helped, but I refuse to give up. I’ll be completely honest with you, some days I don’t even know why - some days I only fight because I love my dog and cat and friends and family and cannot leave them. Other days I fight because I have dreams not yet realized.  So, yeah, I started this blog because I hope to raise enough money to get a service dog (and this is still a major goal of mine) but I hope it will become something more. My friends and family have been so generous during this difficult time for all of us and have donated what they can. So far we have around 700.00 raised of the 10,000.00 euro goal. Reaching the 10,000 euro goal seems nearly impossible ... at least it seems impossible without help...but I have faith.   If you have taken the time to read all of this I want to say THANK YOU. I know your time is precious (as is everyones and I appreciate it). I was wondering if you could share my story? Help me raise awareness about ANCA Vasculitis and other Chronic Illness? Help me raise awareness about domestic / emotional abuse and how it may seem impossible to overcome, but it is not and help me raise awareness about Gender (and other) bias in Medicine? I have a few posts here on my blog that talk about bias in medicine and I could provide you with a 100 different stories from men and women who are constantly battling against this bias to try and get help... and maybe , just maybe you could help me save up enough money to get a service dog? Within my blog everyone can find information on how a service dog could help me, how to donate, and more information about ANCA Vasculitis / Gender Bias in Medicine & I will soon be posting information for victims domestic abuse. Thank you so much for your time. I know that was a lot.  Lots of love from Germany,  Pia

P.S. I promise to pay it forward someday when I am in a better place. In case you’d like to know what some of my dreams and goals for my life are:  To adopt / foster / rescue / help animals in need. To adopt or foster children one day (If I can).  To help further civil rights movements like BLM and to help LGBTQ+ youth. To help further clean living and reduce waste.  To be a light for others who are suffering.  To perhaps one day own a bed & breakfast or cat cafe. 

[mandakatt]

Which holiday is each kitty's favorite?

A/N: Right then, I apologize for this taking absolutely figgen forever Anon-san. I’ve had so many issues lately with, well what I want to call writer’s block, but I have a feeling it’s not that - my muse seems to have no interest in any of my current projects. But I’m going to strap her down and get this done for you. ♥ Also, my muse and I based this off of Holidays that are celebrated in the US - as that’s what’s the easiest for us cause.. Dat’s where I’m from. =p

Muse: HEY! LEMME GO!Me: C’mon now. You’ve put this off long enough, you have to do this.Muse: THE HELL I DO!Me: Get it done, or I take away iced coffee for 2 weeks.Muse: *whines* We haven’t had any in a week…!Me: I’ll make it longer. Muse: *whinnnne* FINE! INSPIRATION EVERYWHERE!Me: *goes wide eyed* Oh, Holy shi–

Tagging: @itshaejinju @major-artery @momokitty27 @sweetchocobae @blossattic @princess-of-lucis @ravenvelith @suzunesays @ultimate-flavor-experience 

[Also - if you want me to tag you, or you no longer want to be tagged, please let me know! ♥ ]

So here you are Anon-San, Which Holiday is the Kitter’s favorite:

Kitty!Noctis - He seems indifferent to most holidays, except for Halloween. You’re not sure if it’s the decorations you put out, the spooky music, or the fact that he gets to see all sorts of strange and unique critters [kids in costumes] that come to your door. He’s also super proud to wear his little vampire cape you got him.

Kitty!Prompto - He gets hyper the moment the weather starts getting cooler. In Lestallum however, snow doesn’t fall, but it’s like the moment it gets close to November, he gets excited. Even more so when you drag out the Christmas Tree. You’ll find him meowing and burbling at you with each thing you put on the tree, or decorate your home with, curious, and you have learned to show him each piece before you put it somewhere, less he climbs up and tries to investigate [by knocking it down onto the floor.]

Kitty!Ignis - The moment you bring out the turkey to thaw for Thanksgiving, he moves to the edge of your kitchen to watch. And if you happen to move out of sight when you’re preparing things, he’ll jump up onto the kitchen counters, to see just what exactly you’re doing. He’ll sniff and softly burble now and then as you talk with him while you peel potatoes, and make stuffing.  Though you swear he judges you when you make gravy saying to yourself softly “Please no lumps…”

Blind Kitty!Ignis - Is still the same, and Thanksgiving seems to be his favorite thing, especially when you start cooking for your family. Though he’ll hide himself under the dining room table and will listen to you, only coming out from time to time if you curse about something.

Kitty! Gladio - He gets excited the long weekend for Memorial Day shows up. You often wonder how he knows for sure when it’s coming till you realize that he’s hanging out in the camping gear you’ve got set up in the living room to throw out into your car the next day. He’s all too eager to have you snap on his harness so he can get out into the car to go with you.

Kitty!Cor - He doesn’t seem to really have a favorite holiday. But, there’s those times at Christmas time where you’re relaxing, just sitting there sipping cocoa and watching your tree twinkle in the dark that you will find he gets the most cuddly. He’ll demand, by meowing up at you, for you to make room on your lap, so he can hop up, and curl up and lay down and cuddle with you.

Kitty!Iris - She adores Easter - Between her and Talcott you’re not sure who likes it more, or if it’s more just because you hide things around the house, and she has an absolute blast trying to find everything…even though they’re the toys and boxed candies that are for your god kids, and not her.

Kitty!Aranea - Honestly, she could really give two shakes of her tail what day of the week it is, let alone what holiday. Though, she seems to come a bit more out of her shell at Thanksgiving, and you’re not quite sure if it’s because, like Ignis, she takes an interest in what you’re doing in the kitchen, or if it’s cause you give her scraps here and there. [Shhh! Don’t tell the others!]

Kitty!Cindy - Independence day seems to be the one that she’s most content with. You’ll find her on top of your shed, sitting there, tail swaying as the sun starts to set. And when the fireworks start to go off, she’ll watch them in what appears to be awe, her ears turning slightly as her soft purring fills the air.

Kitty!Luna - She, like noctis, adores Halloween. You have a specific collar for her to wear that has a shiny little crown that flutters over her head, and a pair of fairy like wings on her back. The critters that come to the door [again, kids. X3] will coo at the pretty fairy princess, getting her extra pets for the evening, and she waits at the door expectantly for more to show up and lavish her with attention.

Kitty!Ravus - He’s much like Aranea, in the fact that he seems indifferent, and uninterested in almost every holiday…except for Thanksgiving. And once again, you make it well known to him, that he’s the only one getting scraps. [If he knew Aranea and Ignis were, well, you don’t think he’d like Thanksgiving as much.]

Kitty!Cid - You find your old codger sitting on the back deck, on independence day, snuggled in between Regis and Clarus as the fireworks go off. You thought the noise might bother him, but he seems more interested in the bright flashing lights that are exploding in the air than anything else going on about him for a change.

Kitty!Regis - He will burble and meow and follow you up from the basement as you drag up the Christmas tree. He’s all too content to circle about your legs as you try to set it up the tree, you know being the helpful kitter that he is, before you finally settle down on the floor once done, and he can take up your lap, purring and kneading contentedly as he seems to observe the tree.

Kitty!Clarus - You find that your king’s shadow is much like his king’s son. He adores Halloween. You’ll watch him sit off to the side of the door, ears turning as each kid comes up to ring the doorbell, begging for treats. He gives off contented rumbly purrs when the kids notice him and pet the ‘big panther’ at your door.

Kitten!Talcott - Easter. Easter is his thing because of all the toys you hide about your home for the holiday for your god kids. He always manages to bring out one of the stuffed animals you had for them, in his jaws, looking rather proud before he flops down on top of it near you, purring and kneading away against it.

Kitty!Gentiana - You find that she seems to grow a bit more clingy around you when the Christmas months get closer. She’ll be your constant companion, instantly appearing on your lap, or on the back of your chair, or next to you, just to contentedly keep you company, and watch the twinkling lights on the tree.

Kitty!Ardyn - You swear he likes Halloween just because he can scare you, and everyone else that happens to come to the door. Almost every time you hand out a treat, he’ll come barreling around the corner, hissing and spitting and arching his back, causing some to scream, which makes him happy. Though when someone actually ‘roars’ back at him, he skitters like mad back around the corner.

Kitty!Nyx - He’s all about any holiday where your family and friends gather around. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Birthdays… he’s all for it. The more people that surround you and him, it seems the more content he becomes. Rubbing up against everyone’s legs as they converse, or snuggling up on everybody’s lap. Yes. He takes turns sleeping on EVERYONE’S lap.

Kitty!Libertus -  He gets goofy around your Birthday. It’s technically a holiday as you take the day off from work just to spend time at home. And, it could also be because you share your ‘specially made lunch’ with him. Well, the bits of meat off the skewer anyway, that you consider a rare treat.

Kitty!Crowe - She seems indifferent most of the time, but seems to enjoy New Years. Something about everyone gathering at your house for a celebration seems to make her content. She’ll jump down as you all countdown to midnight, cheering in the new year, and she’ll wander the group, rubbing against everyone’s legs gently, earning her a few pieces of shrimp off the shrimp tray.

Kitty!Pelna - He’s big on the family gathering holidays, much like Nyx - So New years, Christmas, and Thanksgiving. Though instead of getting up on everyone’s lap, he’s more of a shadow. He’s constantly seen but he’s not particular to anyone thing. However, he will make himself quite known with a loud meow, and purrs when one of your relatives calls to him, and gives him a bit of a human treat.

Kitty!Titus - He is indifferent, but when there’s people over, he knows that means there’ll be food. He’ll deliberately wiggle his stubby tail, and meow cutely, rubbing on your friends, and relatives legs as he purrs and kneads hard enough he brings his paws up as he stands. They’ll give in, and give him all the treats that he begs for - He does hate the diet you put him on the following day however.

Kitty!Dino - This doofy kitter absolutely adores Christmas, because everything and ANYTHING is shiny. The decorations, the tree, the lights. All of it. He wanders about your living room, looking wide eyed at everything when you first put it out, only to burble and meow at you shortly after. By the next morning, HALF of the decorations from on the tree, and the tinsel are under the couch in his hoard. He has a bit of a fit everytime you pull the decorations out, so you actually went and got some tinsel of his own to put into his hoard, and he is now content to leave the stuff on the tree alone. But you can’t help but smile as you find him and Prompto sleeping under your tree almost every morning.