#I don’t really cook

[celestial-fucker]

I got a silly prompt. Lucifier and Alastor are having their snarky banter that turns into a cook off

YES OMFG

That would be so silly I love it lol. I hope this suffices

Pls be aware that I don’t have a beta and I haven’t really looked over this for mistakes due to not really having the time to. Constructive criticism is appreciated!

This is part one at words. I honestly wasn’t expecting it to be this long, but hopefully part two will be shorter. (Fingers crossed, at least)

Here’s the fic:

Tw for intrusive thoughts (though that may be in part 2, I’m not sure if it’s in part 1) and swearing

It was one of the rare days in the Pride Ring where the weather had decided that snow was a thing. Obviously, due to it being Hell, it meant that the only time a demon could actually enjoy the snow was when it had mostly melted away and the weather was thirty plus degrees celsius the next day. This left only a few hours in the morning of snow before it would all be gone in the afternoon, and the residents of the Hazbin Hotel were taking full advantage of what time they had left.

It was early morning, and none of them had had breakfast yet, but they were all having fun, and that was what really mattered to Charlie, and therefore it also mattered to Lucifer.

Everyone was throwing snowballs at each other, apart from Alastor. He was just watching on the sidelines with his creepy smile, and not even joining in! What was the fun in just watching people pelt snowballs at one another? But he probably liked watching just for that reason, the sadistic fuck. He probably got off at watching people hurt each other, though this hardly counted as that. There was probably still a sadistic reason for him not joining in, though. The snow was fun! And so was playing with his daughter! The last time Lucifer had a snowball fight was when Charlie was really young and he and Lilith were still together and it was a day like this! She was so small then, he couldn’t believe how much she’d grown.

The last time he’d had a proper snowball fight like this was back in the garden of Eden, and it had been like it was now, with Lucifer panting and laughing and sneaking up behind people to then fly up and dump snow square on their heads before cackling and flying away, snowballs being thrown at him by others in retaliation. If anything, it was after the snow that sucked. Alastor was really missing out. Maybe Lucifer should make him join in on the fun.

Before he could follow through with that thought, a snowball landed square in the middle of his face. Once it had gone away, it revealed Angel Dust, one of his daughter’s friends.

He had an apologetic look on his face. “Sorry, your majesty, but the opportunity was right there.”

Lucifer smiled, and then laughed. “It’s fine! In fact…”

He then appeared directly behind and above Angel, and threw a snowball into the back of his neck.

“…I think karma was in order!” He laughed as Angel screamed, because he was also smiling, and when the spider demon jokingly glared at him, he stuck his tongue out.

“Damn, what wouldn’t I let that tongue do to me?”

Wait, what?!

Lucifer felt himself try to process what Angel had just said to him, when Charlie raised her arms and called out for everyone to head inside. Lucifer noticed snowflakes were beginning to fall, which meant that they had only a few minutes to get inside. It didn’t usually snow twice in a row in this area of Hell, but it wasn’t impossible, just extremely rare.

And so everyone went inside, and Lucifer made the water and residue snow disappear from his body. When he looked up, he realised everyone else was still wet and staring at him as Alastor handed everyone a fluffy towel. Lucifer awkwardly chucked. “Oops,” he said, and waved his hand. Everyone was dried within an instant.

Radio static noises made Alastor’s irritance known.

“Right, then!” Lucifer awkwardly tried to reduce the tension in the room. “I’ll go and make us all some breakfast! How does pizza sound?”

He was really craving pizza, and if anyone disagreed, he would have to go to his room and cry. Yeah, it was one of those days.

“I was thinking of some jambalaya,” said Alastor.

“Jambalaya for breakfast?” Lucifer felt his face contort to display his disgust.

“Well, it’s nearing lunch time! I was thinking of it being along the lines of brunch, rather than breakfast.”

It was almost ten in the morning! But then again, once everything was cooked, it would be closer to lunch time…

“…It’s still very weird to have jambalaya for lunch.”

“I would think that it would be weirder to have pizza for breakfast!” Lucifer then purposefully failed to mention the many mornings he’d eat leftover pizza from the night before as breakfast when he replied.

“Alright- you know what? I’m going to make my pizza, and you can make your jambalaya, and then everyone’s happy!”

He didn’t realise he had risen his voice until it was too late, and he ducked his head and felt his face begin to burn.

“Well, how about a cook off?” Lucifer glanced up to see it was Angel Dust who’d spoken.

“You know what? That’s a great idea!” He heard his daughter’s voice and couldn’t help but feel his heart become full with all the love and affection he had for her. “I don’t think I’ll participate, mostly because I still need to finalise some paperwork for the hotel, but if anyone else wants to join-”

“I was thinking it could just be between them two. It’ll make things more interesting. You get me?”

“I don’t think that’s really-” Vaggie was cut off.

“I’ll do it,” Alastor said, and Lucifer glared at him.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to, Alastor,” Charlie sweetly said.

“No, no, it’s fine, Char-Char,” Lucifer said, “I’ll make pizza for you. Is anyone here lactose intolerant or anything?”

When no-one raised their hand, Lucifer looked at Alastor.

The motherfucker was slowly putting his hand up.

“What are you allergic to?” Lucifer asked, annoyed.

“Gluten,” said the evil version of the Cheshire cat.

“Okay! I’ll make a gluten-free one and a regular one! How does that sound?” Nobody disagreed, but nobody spoke up, either.

After a moment of the awkward silence had passed, Angel spoke up. “I’ll watch over them. Make sure they don’t get into trouble.”

“Absolutely not!” Lucifer’s eyebrows rose at Maggie’s tone. “I’m going to supervise them, and you can join me, but you better not be actively encouraging their actions.”

“You’re saying actions because you don’t want daddy Lucifer to be mad at the words you use.” Angel Dust once again made Lucifer contemplate his existence. “But I also wouldn’t actually want them to fight- I’m just craving pizza, but Alastor’s jambalaya is something to give up fucking for. Do you know how serious I am? I would give up fucking for Alastor’s jambalaya. It’s a win-win situation, sweetheart.”

Lucifer watched as Maggie’s face twisted. “Please don’t call me that.”

Angel Dust looked regretful. “Shit, sorry. I didn’t realise it made you feel so uncomfortable.”

Lucifer smiled at how Charlie was almost squealing with how happy she was that they remembered their lessons about boundaries.

Maggie was still clearly uncomfortable, but seemed less so. “It’s okay. Just don’t do it again.”

Angel Dust gave her a thumbs up with his two top hands.

“Right, then,” the radio prick intervened. Lucifer scowled. “I suppose we best get to it, your majesty! It would be terrible if we were to serve our lovely princess and the others later than what is strictly necessary!”

Anger and annoyance flooded their way through Lucifer, making his blood boil like the sulphuric lakes that he fell into when he was cast out of Heaven and the garden with his love ex-wife.

Now he was thinking about Lilith. Fucking great. Why was it that Alastor was making him think about her?

Bitch.

Lucifer gritted his teeth as Maggie agreed. He followed Alastor, Maggie and Angel as they went into the kitchen.

“So then, what will it be, your highness?” He made Lucifer want to kill himself. Or Alastor. He was honestly debating on killing them both, and he would have if it didn’t remind him of Romeo and Juliet as much as it fucking did, for some unknown reason, or make Charlie unhappy.

“I’ll get my ingredients myself, thank you,”

Alastor’s sharp grin was mocking him as he went around and gathered the ingredients.

Then he realised the flour he needed was on the top shelf.

Shit.

He looked towards Alastor, who was staring at him with a predatory grin. Lucifer glared at him and let all of his wings free, and flew up to the top shelf, smacking one of his wings into Alastor as he flew upwards. Grabbing the gluten-free flour, he grinned triumphantly, and flew back down. Alastor was out of reach, sadly.

He gathered all of the ingredients on the side counter and started working.

“Taking your time, your majesty?” Alastor’s grating voice forced Lucifer to take a quick deep breath.

He put on a fake, snarky smile as he turned to look up at the demon. “Unlike you, I like to make sure everything’s in-date and done thoroughly before putting everything together.”

“Well, I wouldn’t call that dough perfection, but if the shoe fits.” Lucifer didn’t look at the wet lump of dough as he added more flour and continued to glare at Alastor. “Oh my, you should certainly try smiling some time. That sour look on your face may affect the dough!”

Wait, fuck, was Alastor flirting with him in his own sick, twisted, cannibalistic-serial-killer way? Lucifer felt like he might puke if he was.

“I think you should try not smiling for the first time in your afterlife. I bet your face muscles must be in so much pain. Or maybe you should shut your pie hole instead. I bet everyone would be grateful.”

“But, your highness!” Alastor replied with that smug, bastard shit-eating grin never leaving his face. “Why must you be so cruel to a lowly citizen such as myself? I could be cursed, for all you know! It would be terribly uncivilised to mock someone who can’t help their certain attributes.”

Lucifer didn’t realise how hard he had been kneading the dough. He flipped it over, and continued to let out his barely-restrained anger.

“Although I do appreciate the concern, I have to say the manner that you’re going about expressing it is far from savoury!” Lucifer might punch him for all the food puns he was making.

“Will you just fucking-”

“Hey!” Maggie yelled over them both, and Lucifer looked at her like a deer in headlights. No, wait, that was Alastor. Lucifer was more like… well, he didn’t know what the snake equivalent of ‘deer in headlights’ was, actually. “Alastor, stop antagonising him.”

“Oh, don’t be such a spoil-sport,” Alastor rolled his eyes, and Lucifer frowned at the blatant disrespect to his daughter’s girlfriend. “We were just having a bit of fun, lighthearted banter!”

Scowling, Lucifer crossed his arms. He then realised what he had done, and uncrossed them before getting rid of any lingering dough and flour on his clothes. Glancing at Angel Dust, he realised the spider demon was eating popcorn, which- fair. Lucifer would have done the same.

“It doesn’t matter. Look, just stop it before I have to go and get Charlie.”

Sharp static noises were heard by Lucifer, coming from Alastor. “Fine,” the radio demon replied.

Lucifer turned away and stopped kneading the dough, lest he overdid it. He then rolled and adjusted it, before putting on the basic toppings of tomato sauce mixed with tomato paste, and then placed a decent amount of cheese on top of that.

He put it in the oven, and set the timer for fifteen minutes.

Then he got to work on the next pizza. He used regular flour, and once the first pizza was done, he brought it out and put the temperature in status so it would still be hot when served.

He felt Alastor’s eyes bore into him while he got on, but since the radio demon didn’t do much else, he couldn’t do anything about it. He couldn’t let him get on his nerves. For Charlie.

He hoped she still liked pizza. Oh god, what if she didn’t? What if she hates it and doesn’t want anything to do with him because of his terrible memory of what she liked and didn’t like?

Preparing the toppings and putting them in different plates and bowls, he didn’t notice Alastor behind him.

“Lost in thought, your majesty?” Alastor said right next to his ear. Lucifer turned around immediately, but before he could respond, Alastor had gone over to the oven and pulled out his jambalaya.

It smelled delicious.

Worry clawed its way inside of Lucifer. Alastor had apparently done two batches. He wondered what that was about.

Oh, wait, jambalaya was sometimes spicy, right? Maybe he did spicy and non-spicy versions. That would make a lot of sense.

The timer pinged just as Lucifer had finished with doing the olives.

He took out the second pizza, and placed it next to the gluten-free one. He then marked the one with gluten with a small notch on the side by using a knife.

“Are you ready, your highness?” Lucifer turned around to see Alastor holding two bowls full of jambalaya, and Nifty holding what looked like a bowl of salad.

“Yes, I am,” Lucifer replied. He picked up both of his pizzas.

The trio went to the table, which was already made, and set their respective dishes down.

Lucifer turned to get the toppings for his pizzas, only to see Angel Dust and Maggie walk through the kitchen door carrying them.

He gave them both a genuine smile. “Thank you!”

He laughed awkwardly as they smiled back.

Just as the pair set them down on the table, the rest of the residents came in and sat down.

“This looks so good!” Charlie exclaimed, and Lucifer beamed.

He only sat down once everyone else had, but then he realised that he’d forgotten to tell everyone which pizza was which.

“That one is gluten free, and that one is regular,” Lucifer said, pointing to the one without the notch and then the one with. “They should taste the same.”

“Thank you, dad! These look delicious!” Charlie exclaimed. Lucifer blushed a bit as everyone around him told both him and Alastor how delicious it all looked.

“And I should warn you all that the bowl near Charlie is not spicy, whereas the one in front of Husker is full of it!” A twinge of annoyance made Lucifer grit his teeth together slightly as the radio-fucker spoke.

Bon appetit, Lucifer thought, glaring daggers into Alastor.

He took a bite of his pizza as everyone around him dissolved into chatter. He never let his eyes linger away from the radio demon for too long. He didn’t trust him. He most likely never would.

But Charlie did. He didn’t know why, but that was all that mattered to him.

Part two isn’t out yet, but I’ll update when it is!

[chloesimaginationthings]

Pit Bonnie is doing his best as a FNAF dad..

[noxcheshire]

Back again with Danny being adopted by other batfam members.

But this time I thought of the absolute comedy of Damian, tiny squirt and five apples tall, deciding that he is now a father to a grown ass teenage Danny.

It was an accident and had never been his intention to adopt another being.

But it had been placed into Damian’s head that in order to be a potential Batman he had to have his own Robin. And the only way to have his own Robin was to have a child, similar to the way that Father would pick up the various children and teenagers amongst them.

Damain had a very specific list of requirements for his potential child-Robin. Danny did not meet any of those requirements, and yet here Damian was having forged papers for the now Daniel Al Ghul-Wayne, and beginning the treacherous affair of introducing his son to the family.

Danny twisted his new shirt sleeve with a frown. It was a nice green silk that complimented the little green that resided in his son’s eyes. Damian wished to bring out the many carefully crafted features of Danny that could match to Damian. Having his eyes pop, wild hair brushed and losing the battle to nervous hands, would have to do.

At least until Damian taught Danny his mother tongue and began the care of his culture and soon to be heritage.

[goldensunset]

when people refer to canon story-relevant kingdom hearts games as ‘spinoffs’ it makes me sad not only for the obvious reasons i always say but also bc like man i WISH this series had spinoffs. imagine what they could do if they had permission from nomura to truly go off the rails and ignore the greater canon for a second and just do some fun whimsical plotless thing in an alternate universe. imagine a fishing/boating game on destiny islands. kh fighting game. it is an injustice that we have been deprived of kingdom karts. can anyone hear me

[milkcioccolato]

Spideypool minicomic, I guess?

[incorrect-upon-a-witchlight]

Frost: your man doesn’t have the mental strength to caramelize onions

Kremy: your man thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelize onions

Gideon: who the fuck is caramelizing onions? Have y’all forgotten that apples exist!?

Kremy:

Kremy: Gid, do…do you think that caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions!?

Frost: your man thinks caramelizing onions means putting caramel on your onions

[sapphosclown]

if nick nelson saw charlie in eyeliner he’d pass out. btw.

[mossy-paws]

I miss clementine. I miss vinestaff's adopted creature. Could we see some new clementine. I just want to give the cuty a second hug.

(Bias towards the past? what's that :) )

funny enough! Guess what I’ve been forgetting to post for quite some time now :)

[turtleblogatlast]

Something I love about Leo is that, canonically, he IS capable of cooking, he’s just completely incapable of using a toaster. He’s banned from the kitchen not out of an inability to make edible food, but because being within six feet of a toaster causes the poor appliance to spontaneously combust.

[daddy-long-legssss]

i'm very obsessed with this particular pair of sunglasses alex wears during the early 'suck it and see' era.

[ljubitelj-sonca]

@eurovisijan said Bojan drowning in Kris’s clothes like Ariana Grande and I took that personally

(Ref)

[vellichorsdesire]

definitely do not think about being called tons of masc terms by an f/o. if you’re comfortable with it of course, they make sure before doing so. maybe they start with calling you the petnames/nicknames they’d usually use for you, calling you handsome along with it (‘hey, handsome man’ or a ‘hi, my sweet, handsome boy.’) maybe you like being called pretty boy too, they’d definitely ask first. maybe they focus on the features they adore the most about you.

maybe you ask to be reassured with such words because you feel comforted by it and they don’t mind doing so, but in the end they really do think those sweet things that they mumble in your ear.

[cupiidzbow]

i was thinking about something very late last night when i was bed but i think it’s a super funny idea that a majority of the gorilla kongs are probably vegetarians ( much how gorillas are herbivores irl ) but there are many species of primates that are meat eaters ( my sona who’s a capuchin monkey are one of them, and are described to be quite ferocious 😭 ) but I’m like 99% convinced funky probably is a vegetarian ( he gets extra hippie surfer points from it) but me being an VERY intense omnivore is funny

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Something something about us being shown Eddie developing his cooking skills before buck - that were shown Eddie being able to cook a full meal (and bake) before were shown Buck doing the same thing. And something something about that foreshadowing Eddie having his full feelings realisation before buck.

Eddie’s cooking skills are on display in 5x11 outside looking in when he cooks dinner for buck Chris and Taylor - and he’s baked cupcakes for desert as well.

But we don’t actually get shown buck cooking a full meal until the 6x01 lasagne. He’s only got as far as breakfast foods when he makes Maddie an omelet in 2x04 stuck but we don’t get shown him actively cooking again until he makes the lasagne.

After that its hit and miss on the cooking and baking front for buck - burnt lasagne in a 7 and I’m assuming his baking isnt that great in 8x07 by the way Chim has one bite and then pushes the loaf away before he masters the ziti, garlic bread etc in 807 and then later the scones in 8x08.

[dragon-gem]

Sometimes I’m normal. Other times, I’m internally screaming about the brotherly relationship between Kai and Lloyd and giving myself a whole Ted Talk I’ve been developing for like three years about why I love them so much.

[thestobingirlie]

there are two aspects of jonathan’s character that seem to get widely ignored by the fandom, and i think it’s one of the reasons his character seems to be misunderstood a lot.

the first being that he was a parentified child (i think a lot of people ignore this because they aren’t willing to accept that joyce isn’t the best mother in the universe, but that’s a different conversation lol). he had to step in and help parent will after his dad left, and tried to intercept to make sure will didn’t see or suffer from the abuse he and his mum did. it’s one of the reasons he’s grown to withdraw from society and put people down. he couldn’t relate to other kids his age, so he secluded himself from them.

the second aspect of his character is that jonathan did, in part, parentify himself. he takes it upon himself to work more hours even when his mum has asked him not to. he’s refusing to go to college despite the fact that they’re clearly more comfortable in life now because he doesn’t know how to let go of the identity that he’s been shielding himself with for most of his life. and a big part of the reason he can’t drop that identity is because he’s convinced himself that it’s what separates him from everyone else. it’s what elevates him above them. he’s not a vapid high schooler that cares about what everyone thinks of them. he’s better than that. but if he loses his status as will’s big brother, who is he? (i think that’s part of the reason he jumps so quickly back into disparaging steve with nancy. steve represents everything jonathan has convinced himself he’s above, and even while he’s lying to nancy about going to college, mocking steve is some form of normalcy for him. even with everything going on in his life, at least he’s still better than steve, right?)

there are a lot of people within the fandom, even his fans, who solely identify jonathan by his position as will’s big brother, and arguably it is hard to examine his character beyond that both because jonathan himself identifies with it and because the duffers have been fairly lax in giving jonathan any other defining characteristics. but idk. i just think it’s kinda sad that even among people that love his character, jonathan never gets to grow beyond the role he was forced to take up as a small child.