#I don’t even fucking know anymore

[dancing-around-the-flames]

TW: This is a long personal rant of my mental health. I will not feel bad if you skip over this. Just need to get it off my chest before I lose my fucking mind.

Well….today is a bad mental health day……between the sadness of my inner child and the vicious anger of my inner teenager, the last two hours have been fucking hell! Trying not to cry at work, but also trying to not push away the pain. It first started with hating my body and how I hate that I’m not skinny or slim like other girls or feel as pretty as other girls. My body issues affect how I view my self and myself worth. I have always felt worthless and felt like someone who could always fade into the background. Someone who has always thought I didn’t deserve the best because I wasn’t pretty like the other girls or good enough. Being told in fourth grade you are “too fat” to be liked by someone fucking does shit to you. So you learn to hide and survive.

Well, my inner teenager decided that she was pissed about this and my sadness switch to anger. The anger that ignited in my veins wanted to burn the world down around me and I felt the urge to fucking hurt and harm people who try to get close. I had the urge to just fucking shut everyone out and unleash the anger and hate that I feel deep in my bones. Be the heartless, bad ass, ruthless, woman I always dreamed would be the one to rescue me.

I tried to find some quotes to validate my inner teenage rage, but the more I searched the more the raged died out and my inner teenager was left feel the same pain as my inner child. Leading me to look up more information about how I am feeling. Over the past month and a half I have come to the conclusion that ass a child I suffered emotional abuse from passive neglect from my parents. I was left to handle my own issues and emotions. My feelings and experiences were not validated and I was the only person I could trust while growing up. That’s why my inner child is shy and quiet. She is sad because of being left to deal with feelings she doesn’t understand and also having to be aware of her surroundings because of the mental health issues of her parents. My inner teenager is full of rage and anger because she was left to handle experiences on her own, learning feelings and emotions on her own, learning how to love herself and what love she deserves on her own. She was left in a harsh world and left to find whatever means to survive, even if those methods were not safe or healthy.

Now adult me struggles to handle my anger and sadness. I struggle to take compliments and struggle to accept the love I know I deserve. I struggle to feel like I’m good enough for my wife or for those around me. I loath myself to hell depth levels. I’m struggling to find who I am and what I love because I have lived behind a mask to get people to like me. Part of me feels I deserve to be abused emotionally and physically, but the other half of me knows that’s not true. Part of me wants to fall to my knees and cry from deep within my soul while the other half of me wants to set fire to world around me and fucking lose my mind to the anger and madness.

The battle that is happening inside me is so exhausting and sometimes it’s hard to know what side will win. Honestly, fuck trauma and fuck feelings and emotions… I’m so fucking tired and at least the flames will keep me warm today.

[livingincolorsagain]

more cap 4 set photos

[scriblesandbits]

So god created us in his image, right? And that’s cool and all but what if it turns out god, like, hates his own image??? What then????

[suja-janee]

(Mostly) Harumi centric doodle page for a friend

[camgoloud]

colin: i’m gay

ted, radiating youth pastor energy: you know who else played for the other team?

[amannottobefuckedwith]

Kayne is that you? I don’t even know anymore. I’m slightly- well more very medicated right now and am “ranty” if that makes sense at all.

[spineless-lobster]

ALRIGHT LADS MERRY CHRISTMAS ITHACA SAGA’S OUT HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS

(Spoilers under cut of course)

1. The Challenge

PENELOPEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! RAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

NOT HER SEEING THE STORM ODY RELEASED AAAAAAAAAAAAA

I’LL BE HERE BUYING YOU TIME‼️🔥💪

OUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ANNA ATE THE VOCALS SHE SOUNDS GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!

I KNEW IT!!!!! I KNEW SHE’D BE SINGING “WAITINGGGGG” I KNEW IT IN MY HEART AND SOUL!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Hold Them Down

WHERE IS HE INDEED!!!!!!!!

Oughhhhhhhh ayron’s voice is making me FEEL things rn he makes it so hard to hate antinous 😭 (this sentiment will not be held for long)

“Hold him down ‘til the boy stops shaking” “only the ocean and I will know” okay idk if I’m insane or ovulating or something but like antinous is kind of a freak for telemachus like he’s a little too sensual about killing him idkkkkkkk

Okay okay now it is SUPER easy to hate antinous FUCK when he’s describing what he’ll do to penelope I got chills bro thank god he’s dead 😭

Again I HAVE to reiterate how AMAZING ayron’s vocals are in this song HE GIVES SUCH A GREAT PERFORMANCE!!!!!!!

3. Odysseus

Ohohohohooooo daddy’s home

The electric guitar that’s how you know you’re fucked

“I come back and find my palace desecrated, sacked like Troy” THE GASP I LET OUT AT THE NAME DROP!!!!! SICKENING!!!!!!

When he called telemachus “my boy” what if I started crying

“I. Have had. Enough.” CHILLS!!! CHILLS MOTHERFUCKER CHILLS!!!!!! ASKFJKSJFSKHFKSHDKFH WE HAVE WAITED SO LONG FOR THIS!!!!!!!!

THE ENSEMBLE SINGING “ODYSSEUS” IN POLYPHEMUS’ TUNE!!!!! HE’S THE BOSS NOW BITCHES!!!!!!!

“He’s aiming for the torches!” JUST LIKE SCYLLA!!!!! ODY IS PULLING A SCYLLA!!!!!!!!!

“You don’t think I know my own palace? I built it.” STILL ONE OF THE HARDEST FUCKING LINES IN THE MUSICAL BRO THAT SHIT MAKES ME INSANE!!!!!! INSANEEEEE!!!!!!!!

OPEN ARMS MENTION!!!!!!! We are NOT greeting the world with opens arms lads it’s fucking over. I love the way odysseus says “no” without ANY hesitation, he’s so tired of this song and dance HE’S HAD IT!!!!

TELEMACHUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYYAY!!!!!!!

I wasn’t expecting him to relish in the bloodshed like he does in the odyssey because that’s just not how he is in the musical but it’s nice that he at least tried to stop them! You go little wolf!

“Where is he?” Being used to refer to both odysseus and telemachus is killing me slowly

“My mercy has long since drowned. It died to bring me home.” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

FUCK DUDE!!!!! THAT WHOLE SECTION IS A FUCKING BANGER JAY’S DELIVERY IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE I CAN FEEL THE RAGE IN MY BONES MAN THIS SHIT IS SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!

The use of “drowned” is SO CLEARLY a reference to poseidon I’m going to throw up

The screaming. All I hear are screams…

Fuck dude… just… fuuuuckkkkkk

4. I Can’t Help But Wonder

I’ve daydreamed so much about the father-son reunion I’m gonna cry

Ough poor telemachus finally meets his father and he can only worry about if he’s worthy enough to live up to ody’s legacy. And THE FIRST thing ody does is tell him how strong he is FUCK ME DUDE 😭😭😭

“Used to say I’d make the storm clouds cry for you” obvious reference to his whole shebang with poseidon

“Used to say I’d capture the wind and sky for you” WINDBAG MENTION!!!!!!!!

“Held you in my arms prepared to die for you” something something I see you draw your final breath, something something get in the water, something something…

“My son, I’m finally home!” THE WAY YOU CAN TELL THEY’RE HUGGING HERE BECAUSE OF THE SWELL OF MUSIC ARE YOU KIDDING ME ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW????? OUGHOGOUOGOGOHOHGHHHHHH

THEY’RE HARMONIZING IM GOING TO SOB IM GOING TO COMMIT CRIMES!!!!!!!!!

ATHENA!!!!!!!!!

My god odysseus learning ruthlessness and athena learning empathy and then uniting and realizing that, while empathy should always come first, unfortunately the world we live in sometimes we have to use ruthlessness in order to survive. And the best we can do is foster future generations that hopefully will not have to go through the same terrible things we have. Ough…

“There’s this girl I have to see” I’m like 80% this is referencing that cut song where ody asks athena to help him court penelope… I hope I’m right because I’ll cry if I am

5. Would You Fall In Love With Me Again

I’m tweaking our rn btw in case you were wondering

The instrumentals are so beautiful I literally CANNOT

The door opening sound effect is so simple but so effective alisjfkshfkshdidjjd

Once again I need to express how much I truly believe the odyssey is a metaphor for ptsd and how it changes a person and the relationships they have

ODYSSEUS SINGING “WAITING” YOU HAVE TO STOP I CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH 😭

Fuck the chorus is so beautiful I don’t even know what to say about it I’m so overwhelmed with emotions. Ough. Just… odysseus on his knees begging to be loved the way he was, and penelope knowing her answer only if she can really trust the man in front of her. Fuck… what the hell…

The olive bed… THE OLIVE BED!!!!!!!!!!

Once again I need to emphasize how ETHEREAL anna’s voice is!!!!!!!

THE JUST A MAN INSTRUMENTALS JORGE YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME!!!! ITS NOT ALLOWED!!!! YOU CANT FUCKING DO THAT!!!!!!

They’re harmonizing… they’re singing “I love you” and they’re harmonizing… I. I need a moment… I just.. give me a second… please can I have some time to myself? I just really need to… die, I think…

The final words of epic being “I love you” I am literally going to end my own life ITS SO BEAUTIFUL

This song makes me want to rip out my still-beating heart and eat it bloody and raw. In like a good way!!!

shoutout to the only straight couple ever. I love you odypen…

And thus, our journessey comes to an end. It’s over but it’s not over and I think that’s the only comfort I have right now

Now do you’ll excuse me I’m going to go lay face down in a creek forever

[luna-the-cretar]

So we know that Taishen’s healing magic makes the target feel warm, inside and out, like drinking a hot drink on a cold day. So what if Jornir’s healing magic was the inverse?

Like, Jornir’s healing magic is cold. Like enjoying a cold treat on a hot day. Or applying an ice pack on inflammation. It’s not freezing, by any means, but noticeably cold. It makes you feel cold, but not in a way that’ll damage you. Just…cold.

Also, this is kinda irrelevant but for some reason my brain is also supplying me what their respective healing magics would taste like, if you could taste them.

But like, I imagine Taishen’s healing magic would taste like chai tea, perhaps. Maybe not chai, exactly, but if you were to taste Taishen’s magic, you could taste hints of cinnamon, cardamom, nutmeg, etc. Basically the taste of fall. It would taste as warm as it feels, ya get me?

Likewise, Jornir’s healing magic would taste like peppermint. It tastes sweet, but comes with the unmistakable cold feeling in your mouth that the menthol within causes. It essentially just tastes like winter.

Idk, my brain latched onto Taishen and Jornir all of a sudden and like I just. Want to talk about them. And how they’re like. Polar opposites in so many ways. But so alike in others. I just. They make me unwell.

[allastoredeer]

Me: surely if I sit down with my laptop and focus really hard, the words will start flowing again and I can get this chapter done.

Me: *sits down with laptop*

Me:

Me:

Me:

[hana-bobo-finch]

omg thannnkkk you ai 🫶🫶you are so helpful I didn’t know that!! I thought moths held their hearts in little jars until they needed them

[bondagebimbo]

.

[goldkirk]

I would love to understand why my brain and body are desperate to not shower in the safety of my own home but perked up at the offer to go shower at the gym that’s full of people I don’t know and men who could pin me and locker rooms with open doorways and less control over cleanliness than I can get in my own apartment. Something something the years of swim practice and swim meet locker room showers being safe I guess?

[frogaroundandfindout]

Bruce reacting to Tim’s death (Robin #95)

[yubnubforhire]

As shitty as the breakup was (and it definitely was) I think it’s also true that fanon bucktommy was always better than canon, and a lot of us feel betrayed by canon not matching our fanon. Canon bt, much like the rest of canon 911, was poorly written disorganized story beats. The scene at the end of 7x04 was fantastic which is what most people remember, but like… the scene in the firehouse earlier with the basketball that was literally just an Amazon prime ad?? The fuck was that. Tommy just leaving buck at harbor station when he takes off with Eddie? The way that Tommy just called an Uber for himself after their first date without saying a word about it until Buck asked if it was their ride ??? Who does that?? The relationship was wildly underdeveloped onscreen (they’re suddenly boyfriends? Officially? I guess??) and a lot of us just filled in the blanks as we are expected to do, but that doesn’t change that actual canon was. Not good. The end of their relationship was never going to be well written or even well handled.

This is not at all me excusing the mess that was this last episode but let’s not all pretend like this show was ever well written lmao. It’s trash. It’s literally trash tv. It’s MY trash, and your trash, but it’s at best a prime time soap opera where four (4) firefighters save Los Angeles and/or possibly all of North America from disaster once a season. The writers will make the characters do anything if they think it’s interesting. There are no through lines. There are no meaningful and complex multi-season character arcs. These characters cheat on their partners, hurt their friends, make mistakes constantly (except chimney who has done nothing wrong in his life ever) and go through more trauma in a single season of television than a team of psychiatrists is equipped to handle in a lifetime.

Just keep writing those bucktommy fics, because they’re always going to be better than canon. You’re always going to love the characters more. You’re always going to be more invested in the relationship.

[wazzappp]

He is in my brain he won’t leave me alone

[murdleandmarot]

@margo-mania ya boy razzle, and a special guest….

(Dude you ate when you created razzle’s backstory, actually insane, 10/10 in terms of themes and motifs and implications, so so good)