#I do not fucking care what overarching label you take

[gasstationparkinglot]

I return to Endo discourse but I'm unsurprised bc Endo discourse is half the Tumblr osddid community /hj

A reiteration of our stance for those curious

Don't care, really. It's a nuanced situation that folks love to make into black and white. There are absolutely shitty endos who are chronically online and spread stupid fucking ideals and misinformation. They deserve to be corrected. There are endos who might actually be traumagenic and just don't remember, because this is, I must remind you, a disorder that causes heavy dissociation and memory issues. There are endos who might not be systems but also mean no harm and keep to themselves! They're figuring shit out, they don't deserve to be crucified. There are endos who are actually suffer from OTHER disorders, and they may or may not come to realize that with time.

Absolutely call out annoying endos when they spread bullshit, but some guy who goes by the butterfly collective or some shit and reblogs garden images and doesn't immediately shoot the people who disagree with him is not your fucking enemy.

I don't have the energy to care about what everyone on the Internet does. I'll be honest! I see stupid shit and I'll send it to my friends and we'll go 'haha look at this idiot' and then move on, but beyond that I cannot bring myself to care and I do not understand why so many people do care. I am not pro Endo, I do not believe that endogenic plurality exists in the way it is currently typically presented, but I do not give enough of a shit to be labelled anti Endo either. Anti misinformation, maybe, but I'm not going to wring your neck if you're an Endo and you like one of my posts.

[somethingshifted]

i watched this video (put it off for all of 3 days because i get nervous watching video essays on my favorite things for some reason) and i loved it. it made me so happy. readmore cuz long post

even if the subject itself was how gorillaz nearly ended because of plastic beach's ambition, this video was so enjoyable. because i feel like getting an account of how people felt about the album release, at the time, from someone who was present is incredibly important for preservation? the extensive things fans have archived is important first and foremost as so much was personally privated by the band, but it's hard to get a pulse on fan feelings as a whole other than digging through wayback machine or knowing someone who was fandom present.

alongside this i'm appreciative of lady emily remarking on the landscape of releasing music at the time. where CD wasn't as huge, not as many people cared about vinyl, music channels were obsolete, and youtube was nascent even in 2010 when it comes to money making opportunities, especially for record labels forget about solo projects like lets-players. which just brings into perspective how taxing PB was to make. it's a beautiful project made off the failure of carousel to launch and didn't make as much of an impact as it needed to survive... which was something i personally was fully unaware of at the time. i just sat on youtube thinking that's where updates were mostly and relying on deviantart friends relaying info to me (i was very internet-dumb). carousel was insanely ambitious and destined to fail with how much they were expecting, and seeing the long list of projects that died out and the way the art being featured during tours became more of an after-thought was heartbreaking a bit so i can definitely understand why tensions blew up.

the idea of media (because PB isn't just an album even if that is the main skeleton veins and organs of it) being made for an era that doesn't exist is depressing, but her explanation to how it came to be and how different the climate is now is a great reminder to myself. because i keep asking 'why don't they do X Y and Z' and the truth is it costs SO much to do that, not to mention do it well AND have the artists and designers and so on be paid and treated well, and PB had so much going for it that didn't return profit. like the way the world is, passion itself doesn't reward you with a living which is sad, and appreciation and apt payment for visual arts doesn't get much better as the future moves on. and kind of humbles me to not have a stick up my ass for cracker island. KIND OF- i still feel my gears grinded when i see how sanitized some things are. major 'he wouldn't say that' feelings.

having reservations on gorillaz marketing behavior is fully allowed and honestly, needed because having a fanbase of only yes-men is detrimental, god forbid they thought NFTs would be well received. i feel hesitant to be a hater for newer stuff bc even if character writing choices annoy me so hard, i still find gems, and i still want to understand the full background of how much of what used to exist, can't exist the same way anymore as the world gets more expensive and a higher bar of quality is needed (outside the writing. that's more on current writers forgetting pretty well established easy characterization) idk if anything as wide-spread and ambitious as PB could ever exist today. isn't that sad? melancholy? i feel like being in your 20s during today consists of a lot of foot-in-one era, foot-in-the-other. the things you grow up with are impossible to go back to since technology is moving at a breakneck speed. but it being so expansive and story heavy was special and i'm learning more about that every day. as someone who's still iffy on the lore taking such a huge part of the overarching characters that it's still referenced at the end of the 2010's i really really do fucking love it. one of a kind. people who get very defensive of plastic beach have full reign to do so, just lemme stand behind you as a humanz defender

she also touched upon a feeling i thought was unpopular but i'm glad she did mention, and it's about how the story for the following albums were more self contained. i do feel though that wishing the band was a band and not characters milling about is a semi popular stance (?) i'm happy people recognize that because seriously my pulse on fandom feelings is sooooo lacking, even now as i venture to twitter and tumblr in 2023. anyways, even for how fantastical PB is and how much i love it, both the climate of the world not supporting projects like this and with gorillaz being self funded since 2019 (didn't know this and that is insane to me) gorillaz can benefit with the bar of expectations being lowered. multimedia projects are a rarity, with websites being sleeked and dumbed down for mobile users only, death of flash, social media being the hub for everything (why i get their reliance on it), singles needing to always be the strength of albums, and trends dying out faster than a mayfly, it's just hard. would i like to see them return to something like that, yes of course, but i sure as hell am not expecting it. unless some billionaire wants to dump their entire savings into their lap. the phases 1 and 2 performing well while being multimedia in the way of animation, interview, in-character and etc, is fantastic but there is no way that sort of MV quality would be passable today. and as a whole it was just less expensive AND way more new and fresh to make compared to making something in 2023 while also accommodating collaborators and managing the band. i guess it's difficult for me to hold a concrete stance. 'aw man why'd they do that... oh well...' times change ig. one thing i will shit on without feeling much guilt is the merch handling though like christ

i really want to hear her defend humanz like she said she might, like i'm on my knees... to wrap this up: very nice video if you want to hear about the behind the scenes of gorillaz all laid out in order. knowing the charting numbers didn't really hit for me till this video. and insight on how the band moved. there was a comment that said the flash games that are still archived today and she hearted it so you can check that out too, i've been going to that site archive for weeks now. i guess there was ONE thing which was i personally hated the way russel was used the entirety of that phase and i regard his mental break being phase 2 more than phase 3 so i raised my eyebrow at her depicting russel being cool and important, but like that's such a small bit, that i can understand why seeing him be a (silent) superhero was super cool. like yes he actually did do more actions on phase 3, bc even phase 1/2 he was, while well spoken gentle and wise, just there on the drums. i just want him to Say Something in phase 3 like that's his baby he's saving... well... ok. that's ok. don't get me started on my boy this post is already long e-fucking-nough

can i add. saying murdoc is the joker for gay teenage girls killed me

[skachacharealsmooth]

Akishinji fic rec masterpost

I started this fic rec list mayyyyybe March of 2021 and just like. Never got around to finishing it. Ever. I wanted to be finished by akishinji week 2021 last summer but uh. You know. It’s a whole yr later now. BUT! Here it is!!!! SkaorBust’s official™️ akishinji fic recs :D I‘ve never properly made a fic rec list, much less posted one for others to see, so feedback would be great!! And if you do end up reading and enjoying any of these works, please send the author some nice words via-comments and kudos!!! Thank you!!!!!

(Blanket warning: Most, if not all of the dark subject matters and themes that are present in persona 3 are either happening in the forefront of these fics or are driving factors of the overarching plot. Things like Shinjiro being on suppressants (drügś) and Akihiko not taking the best care of himself (yk) are common throughout all of these fics. I have tried my best to label all of the fics with sexual themes/scenes.)

“Who is October Fourth we don’t know her lol” (future fics/aus)

“Couplezoned” by Veterization

Rated: E (it’s really only one pretty skipable smutty section towards the end)

Summary: “In which Akihiko suddenly finds out that everybody is under the delusion that he and Shinjiro are a couple, and it slowly and carefully drives him crazy. He's just not sure why.”

Read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21226982

My notes: literally everything comes back to this fic for me LMAO. Best written Akihiko to date and Shinjiro is literally the sweetest. Fluffy and never fails to make me giggle a few times, overall a feel-good fic. Ft Ken and koro.

“dark chocolates” by cantfoolajoker

Rated: GA

Summary: “It wasn’t a secret that Akihiko didn't like sweets.”

Read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22711132

My notes: literal fluff overload. Akihiko is literally so fucking stupid it’s hilarious, ft. more ken and koromaru.

“in time it will be all ours” by Chocchi

Rated: T

Summary: “Yukari accuses Akihiko and Shinjiro of having couple telepathy. Akihiko tries to deny it. He really does.”

Read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7736257

My notes: Fluffy akishinji family stuff once more, super short and sweet. Mentions of jundori and yukamitsu. Ken is once more present and just a tired teenager lmao.

“Tigers Tonight” by jibrailis

Rated: M (there is smut littered throughout, but imho, it’s nothing too descriptive)

Summary: “Akihiko is always leaving.”

Read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/595280?view_adult=true

My notes: the summary isn’t all too descriptive, so here we go: Shinjiro lives a nice and steady life about 3 years after the defeat of nyx. Akihiko is the polar opposite. Both of them are written perfectly and I absolutely adore how the author doesn’t write Aki as “mr perfect”. There are so many one liners that have stuck with me in this fic. On a separate but somewhat related note, every word Ken says in this fic is actual comedic gold and his dynamic with Shinjiro feels more natural than ever.

“we never had a Valentine’s Day” by constellationfights

Rated: N/A

Summary: “A letter from Shinjiro to Akihiko about Valentine's Day.”

Read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29452404

My notes: So there are some author’s notes abt how exactly this takes place and I think they explain it the best at the beginning of the fic. In a nutshell: after the events of p3, Aki and shinji date and separate not long after bcs of a difference of philosophies. Just the normal issues, yk.

“Bulletproof” by Supernova_sage

Rated: M (skippable smut-ish sections)

Summary (condensed): “Akihiko didn’t move. He didn’t even get back to his feet. Instead, he lay back and stared at the dark sky. There were too many city lights to make out any stars, but that was okay. The point wasn’t to see the stars. The point was to lie there. So, that’s what he did. He lay in silence, surrounded by the night. Soon enough, he felt the presence of another body lay down beside him. He turned his head to see Shinjiro. Huh. Akihiko figured the brunette had long since walked away from him. Guess he was wrong.”

Read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12914235/chapters/29506014

My notes: you can’t really tell by the summary, but this fic is a Groundhog Day-esc fic (my weakness) where Akihiko is stuck in a month-long loop that spans the duration of Shinjiro’s re-joining of SEES and subsequent death shortly after. Every time Shinji dies, the loop is reset and Aki goes back to square one. This fic absolutely nails down their banter to a T and is very satisfying to read, even after the millionth time.

“We sadly do know who October fourth is” (angst)

“Catch 22” by orphan account

Rated: T

Summary: “If nothing else, he can choose the way he will die.”

Read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15387513

My notes: more or less how Shinjiro met Takaya and whatnot, with a concerned Akihiko sprinkled in.

“Granted” by kanatayuko

Rated: GA

Summary: “Akihiko hears about Chidori's revival and, though he's sincerely happy for Junpei, it makes him think about many things.”

Read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2679827

My notes: sad. Just sad. Takes place after Chidori gets revived, ft jundori.

“burden” by fideliter

Rated: T

Summary: “Castor was always the mortal son.”

Read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5213018

My notes: man am I a slut for third person POV. Night of October fourth through akihiko’s eyes.

“philatos | most beloved” by cantfoolajoker

Rated: M (death n stuff)

Summary: “Akihiko died the night of October 4th. Shinjiro grieves the afternoon of October 5th.”

Read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22398856

My notes: THIS IS ACTUALLY A RLLY COOL AU ITS SAD BUT ITS RLLY COOL. Also I love Shinjiro coming to conclusions with himself. So poignant.

“Baby SEES” (pre-October 4th 2007)

“Package Deal” by Lavenza123

Rated: T

Summary: After joining SEES, Akihiko decides to catch up on the childhood he lost due to being an orphan - so after overhearing others talk about movie nights and sleepovers, naturally he wants to experience it for himself. Shinjiro goes along with it, because they've always been a package deal. Somehow, Mitsuru gets roped into that and gets an elbow to her face as a reward. The rest is a wild ride from there.

Read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31779997

My notes: BABY SEES FLUFF ITS JUST REALLY CUTE. Rated T for swearing, and the romance is just sweet and innocent! Literally tooth-rotting an the author captured their dynamic perfectly. Mentions of what happens after October 4th in femc’s timeline, but it all ends up okay :)

[linkspooky]

Series I’m Reading in 2021

My favorite manga all come from Shonen Jump. A lot of series ended last year, and a lot of new series started, so I thought I’d do a post with a quick recap of all the manga I’m currently keeping up with in jump, and my favorite things about them. 

My Hero Academia - My two favorite manga are both reaching the ends of their biggest arcs yet, and that’s been exciting but also exhausting to read week from week. 

MHA’s strength lies in its ideas and the scope of its ambitions. There’s few stories in shonen jump that work with such broad ideas, in trying to define hero and villain and giving the villains so much depth that the main character’s ultimate foil Shigaraki Tomura, feels more like a deuteragonist to the story, a second protagonist for the other side of the story rather than an antagonist. 

It’s a creative story,  with neat little ideas. Giving an entire arc to the villains was taking an actual risk. From a story that began wrapped entirely around Deku’s perspective, the story has evolved to balance the perspective  of multiple different characters who all come into conflict with each other. The best part of the war arc is that there’s no real good guys in a story with clear and distinct entities that label themselves “heroes’ and “villains.” The heroes are allowed to have impure motives, and do impure deeds. The villains are allowed to have noble motivations, and genuinely care for one another. This is all good because it’s not boring. A boring, simple, story where good defeats evil has been told a hundred times, My Hero Academia shines the brightest when it tries to do something different. 

Jujutsu Kaisen - If MHA’s strength lies in creativity, then JJK’s is in technical execution. If you compare the first 27 chapters of MHA and JJK just in the way that they develop the stakes, story, and ideals, JJK accomplishes a lot more in the same time. 

I’m not saying JJK is better, just that it tells its story better in some ways. MHA is in the middle of a tournament arc, whereas in JJK we see the first major emotional blow of the story. A character which was set up to be saved, and who everyone expected to be saved is instead killed and this has permanent ramifications for both Yuji’s development and the threat the villain presents. 

That’s why the Shibuya Arc has so much impact , despite only having 100 chapters of build up before it. Jujutsu Kaisen introduces a lot of characters, and then quickly develops them and the ideas that surround that character in a way that it feels like every time they’re on screen they are growing and changing in a way. It’s because things are continually changing in the story all the time, that every single time the story hits you it feels like a gut punch. There’s no one safe, no status quo, just a world that you know is going to change by the end of the story. Jujutsu Kaisen is good. Everyone should read Jujutsu Kaisen.  

Mission: Yozakura Family - Katekyo Hitman Reborn used to be one of my favorite manga in shonen jump, which gave me a weakness for manga with big mafia families where everry single character has one special quirky and eccentric power. 

Yozakura Family is also reaching a similiar pont that Reborn did, where after a year of publication it’s not doing well enough as a weekly gag manga and is starting to focus to a more serious with an overarching plot, and a fighter. The main female and main male protagonist have a relationship that actually develops which makes me soft for the two of them because I want to see the story improve and see where the author wants to take them. 

Our Blood Oath - There’s been a trend towards horror series in the recent newcomers in jump, which is great because I am all about horror. A series full of vampires using their blood to cut each other up is an easy sell to me. 

Stories in jump generally don’t tend to develop until they’ve lasted an entire year, but I like a lot of things that Our Blood Oath has started with. I love the series focus on adopted family, and the relationship between the two brothers. The main character genuinely acts like a bratty younger brother, and wields unlimited power exactly like a twelve year old swinging around a blood scythe would. Which is to say, very badly.  

Phantom Seer - Another newcomer series that leaves a strong impression. The things that the series has going for it so far is a really strong main character, who’s a pretty far deviation from the standard shonen protagonist of “I want to save everyone.” Rather than wnating to be the strongest, or wanting to be a hero, he just wants a normal life, and instead gets dragged into heroics by the good intentions of the people he’s surrounded by.

The art is also incredibly strong for this series. I’m glad the artist got another chance to draw a shonen junmp series because their art really shines in both the character designs, and the curse designs. There’s incredibly unique monster designs that are equally parts horrifying and fascinating even though most of them only stick around for one chapter. 

Undead Unluck - Most Shonen Manga either figure out right away what the central conflict is, other manga never figure it out. Undead Unluck is like “fuck it, let’s kill god.” 

Undead Unluck has a bad start, and normally I would never say “keep reading and give it a chance” if it gives you a negative first impression, but Undead Unluck quickly fixes a lot of mistakes in the first chapter. Andy at first says some creepy things towards the main character, but the author seemed to learn their lesson and made a lot of changes later on to make their relationship into a healthy one of consent and mutual affection. 

The main characters and the story premise are what sell this one. A bunch of supernatural beings going out of their way to do the impossible and kill god. The plot is almost pure chaos, but I believe the two main characters are strong enough that you want to follow them all the way through it. 

Dr. Stone -  The best part of Dr. Stone is trying to unravel the mystery of the premise, how the world became turned to stone. Senku is a compelling protagonist because he’s constantly trying to solve the mystery around him, the same way the audience is. 

Senku is a strong character, and there are other interesting ones like Gen, however sometimes the series while being a fun adventure the characters don’t really develop that much. However, there’s nothing better for a protagonist than a good antagonist. The best part of the america arc so far has been the introduction of an antagonist and foil to Senku. Instead of trying to rule through strength. Dr. Xeno views everything as a problem to be solved through science like Senku. He just also sees Science as a tool to rule others, unlike the fairly anarchistic Senku who doesn’t care for leadership. 

Some of the most interesting charactermoments for Senku lies in his interactions, his similiarities and differences with Dr. Xeno, and the fact that they’re now forced to cooperate while Senku is technically holding Dr. Xeno hostage is an interesting building tension between these two. I’m following this series for two reasons, one I’m interested in how the mystery will be solved, and two I wonder what kind of person that Senku will become when he completes his goal of restoring humanity. Senku is the main draw of the series with his weird charisma, and his unique interest in science above everything else, and I think there’s still a lot of untapped potential to mine in his character. 

[dianaburnwood]

Power, Corruption, and Ethics in HITMAN 3

Why HITMAN: World of Assassination is about the war you never win. 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and decided to deep dive into these themes that are overarching throughout the WoA trilogy, but really come to the forefront in HITMAN 3 and the conclusions it draws about the nature of the world.

Unlike a lot of AAA games, HITMAN takes a firm political stance. While there are plenty of games that can be described as obviously political in the themes they explore, developers tend to shy away from that label, avoiding scrutiny, and avoiding commitment to a side. 

“Neutrality is a side. It’s the side of the status quo.” 

HITMAN WoA is unapologetically political. Yet, in HITMAN and HITMAN 2, this obvious corruption, the world that has been shaped by money, power, and assassination, is largely in the background. Why? Because it IS in the background for 47. He doesn’t trouble himself with morality, politics, or manoeuvring through the murky grey of people he’s killed versus the people that have paid for it. “I know you don’t care about politics, 47.” 

By the time he meets Grey in HITMAN 2, that has to change. It’s forced to change. And, it starts out personal. 47 and Grey had made a pact, and 47 is a man of his word. Take down Providence? Sure thing, bro. They did this to us. 

But, interestingly, in HITMAN 3, it’s no longer about that bleak individualism. The partners are dead, but the story is not over. Because Providence itself is not even the real problem. Instead, it’s the power structures that allow it to exist. Diana knows this, and by the end of the game, 47 knows it too. Taking down the partners - even taking down Providence - it’s not enough. There’s work still to be done. Otherwise, the cycle continues. 

Edwards represents this corruption so well. He’s not a rich man. He didn’t come from money, or prestige. He, in a way, has always been controlled. And he believed in the meritocracy. That his loyalty would be rewarded. That he would be seen. 

And he wasn’t. 

So, he took that power he craved. And he truly can’t fathom why anyone else wouldn’t. When 47 finally comes for him, Edwards can’t believe that Diana would not be tempted by power. He says, “This is not how people work.” And in a lot of ways, he’s right. Power corrupts. 

He’s also right that taking him out doesn’t change anything. The world will continue to turn - new CEOs, same old corruption. Power never dies, it only changes hands. Grey wanted to take out the partners, but they were just replaced by Edwards, who would have been replaced by Yates, but who was then replaced by Diana - where does the cycle of power end? 

This is where we see Diana finally reject the individualism that has run her life. She has her own moral code and sense of justice, but as Vidal points out, she’s a hypocrite too. She has operated within the constraints of a broken, corrupt world of assassination, and she has not questioned it. 

And so, Diana dismantles Providence. And not like she did with the Franchise or the ICA, which were about a personal need. Dismantling Providence is about far more than a final revenge for her parents, or for what they did to 47. It’s about what Providence is to the world. A world which allowed for the creation, coercion, and control of these kingmakers. And yet, Providence is not the convenient baddie here. They are ALL as bad as each other. 

In Mendoza, this is brought to light the most. We learn that taking out Rico Delgado has had a destabilising effect on the entire region, yet Yates’ winery irrigation through re-routing water via a dam is causing huge damage to the local environment. The ICA is gone, and one party guest wonders where he’s going to get a “service provider” for his problems now. Another guest tells him to “ask for Stone” - another ICA agent who has presumably gone freelance. 

When Vidal questions Diana about 47′s trust in her, in his belief that her orders are the right ones, Diana responds, “it’s no more than what any soldier does.” Someone will always be that “executive decision-maker” - from kings, governments, and dictators across the world. Even Grey, attempting to fight the power, meant making deals with different kinds of monsters. 

So, is that your only choice? Decide what the lesser evil is? Yet, this is not your simple tale of good versus evil. Every single character involved in this is deeply fucked. 

But we finally see that Diana and 47 are not going back, blindly, like they used to. They’re not going to “win the day”, pat themselves on the back for dismantling Providence, and then wilfully close their eyes and ears again to the power that takes its place. Instead, the game recognises the work that must be done. “There will always be people like them. So, there will always be people like us.”

That’s not to say that Diana and 47 are shining examples of righteousness. Can you take the law into your own hands and not be considered corrupt? What is the line between vigilantism and villainy? Their solution is to kill more people. And they decide who the right people are to kill. 

Is that how you make up for the past? Can you? Ever? One year later, “the pact is done” - at last, Grey and 47′s pact has been fulfilled. But the work isn’t over. The world is still broken.

And that’s what I love about this trilogy, but H3 in particular. The game openly asks you, what is your responsibility to other people? Try to be whole. Try to do the right thing. You will never win, because it will never end. But you have to try. Otherwise, you allow the world to continue as it is. You are complicit. Burke’s quote of “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing,” is really the essence of what Grey was trying to get at, and yet - for him that evil was subjective. It was about getting what he needed, it was about confronting his past, and, for him, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. But the world of Hitman is not black and white, and I applaud it for that. Grey wasn’t even sure what he would do after finally taking down the partners. For him, that was the end of the road.

Edwards tells 47 that freedom from choice is still freedom. Vidal firmly believes that people think they want freedom, but really, they want to be controlled. And isn’t it easier to be free from choice? Isn’t it easier to not think? To look away, and distract yourself with things rather than do the hard work of real self-examination, real reflection? Isn’t it easier to tell yourself the horrors you see in the world around you are just how the world works, rather than trying to change the status quo? 

But if power never dies, then whose hands does it rightfully belong in? Is free will a burden? Do people need to be controlled? What if they ask for it? Beg for it? What if they believe they can’t function on their own? 

What does it mean to be kind? 

What does it mean to be free? 

H3 asks the player so much more than it needed to, and I really admire it for that. 

The political apathy of 47 is truly challenged in H2, and eradicated by the end of H3. And I’d argue it challenges the player to do the same. The old revenge story is not relevant here. This isn’t about “getting back” at Providence or the partners anymore - and it would have been easy to end the story there, or at least, keep it as the focus. Instead, HITMAN 3 goes way past that, and asks the player, what can you do to fix the world? And, can it ever be fixed? 

[bi-kisses]

what particular views do radfems have that you strongly disagree with? and just radfems, not TERFS, because i do agree with some radfem beliefs but not TERFs because i’m not trans-exclusionary and i agree with you on your trans views.

women and men "as a class". It's a horrifically useless model to compare two of the broadest groups to one another as being wholly distinct "classes" when no amount of reproductive difference outweighs economic standings. Hell, even in the most misogynistic countries in the world, the rich women have far more in common with rich men than poor women.

political lesbianism. Radical feminists like to brush this under the rug despite openly practicing it. I don't think I need to explain the problem here.

"anti kink" and "PIV critical". The insanity of pretending to be advocating FOR women while stripping women of their free will is astoundingly tone deaf.

patriarchy as a whole. It just straight up is bullshit. Again, economic class is what divides us, not sex. The rich care for the rich and intentionally suppress the poor, men AND women. Radical feminists are, in fact, actively playing into the whims of the upper class by falling for the "all men have privilege over all women" psyop (and yes, I'm calling it a psyop.) because by pitting the lower class against itself, we won't have the wherewithal to actually make change where it counts.

their attacks on the definitions of rape, sexual assault, domestic abuse, child abuse, so on and so forth piss me the fuck off. Again, radfems try not to acknowledge that their movement's only accomplishments lately have been excusing women of actual atrocities.

I could go on and on about the issues I have with the core ideals of radical feminism but I'm going to take the rest of this post in a different direction.

This goes to all the radical feminists who follow me. I'm glad you do! I hope I am able to open your eyes somewhat!

But you need to stop sending me asks like this. I will never, ever, ever be one of you. I am not your pawn, not your "sister", not a lost lamb needing to be converted, and I am certainly not on your side. I know your theory, your literature, your history. I am not blindly hating you, I am fully aware of who you are and what you stand for and I will continue to denounce it until the end of time.

Your entitlement over the opinions of females appalls me. I, as an individual, unswayed by my prior biases, came to the conclusion that your ideology is utter rubbish and you will not be able to erase decades of disgusting history in order to suddenly clean up, suddenly justify your behaviour.

And now for the "terf" part of this post.

I am not a TERF, nor are my beliefs adjacent to them. Again, I am an individual. I formed my opinions from research, not an overarching ideology telling me what to believe.

My trans friends, women and men, will always be my priority over you. No amount of anonymous asks will suddenly have me turning on my best friend. I do not need to change my focus to fit your narrative. I don't see females as being helpless, nor males as being dangerous and deranged. Your fear mongering and your victim complex will not have any effect on me. I'm sorry that you've succumbed to it. My only hope is that you grow.

So leave me alone if you're only interacting with me in hopes of turning me into one of you. From now on, when I receive an ask like this, I will be linking this post. You are not owed me. You are not rational, reasonable, or logical. I am tired of having you attempt to convince me otherwise when you hardly know anything about your own label.

[asteroiideae]

okay, so I don’t make these kinds of posts often because tbh I’m a little lazy and very tired like 24/7 lmao but I’ve been seeing a lot of Pride reading lists hit my dash (and they’re excellent, and I save them all!) buuuut reading books is still a roadblock I’m struggling to mentally overcome -- and audiobooks are great, but they take 84 years (sometimes literally???) to get through. so! I thought I’d share a (very tiny) list of the queer manga I’ve read this year that you might enjoy for Pride, with some descriptions/trigger warnings/thoughts to go with them. so here we go in no particular order other than where they sit on my bookshelf:

What Did You Eat Yesterday? by Fumi Yoshinaga

okay so I know I go on about this manga at literally every presented opportunity, but I honestly just can’t help myself??? as a thirty-something queer adult, I really love the quiet maturity of this relationship between Shiro and Kenji; especially when it’s highlighted by references to shenanigans of their youth, and the ways in which they are still growing as both individuals and a couple. I’ve only read the first six volumes but I’m OBSESSED.

Status: Ongoing (17 volumes; 15 translated) Summary: Shiro and Kenji are an established adult couple with separate careers and interests, whose relationship is depicted over the meals cooked for them by Shiro. This doesn’t have an overarching plot, which might be off-putting for some readers; each chapter can be compared to a fanfic one-shot, usually containing it’s own tiny storyline or theme. It’s literally just domestic moments and meals shared between these men. Warnings: While I didn’t personally have a problem with this, younger readers might find some of the dated terms offensive. If you’ve spent any time with older queer folks (older as in 45-50+) this won’t be anything you aren’t used to, but if your experience of queer folx skews younger or online, you might get taken by surprise. There’s also some internalized homophobia; and by some I mean quite a bit. Shiro’s personal arc (at least in the first six volumes) heavily revolves around how much he closets himself and tries desperately to pass as “normal” in Japanese business culture.

Boys Run The Riot by Keito Gaku

holy shit holy shit holy SHIT. this story is so good??? so VERY good??? I was a little cautious, and a little bit uninterested in a story about teens (only because I’m in my thirties and crave more adult representation,) but I was VERY WRONG to be. Boys Run The Riot is beautifully drawn, beautifully written, and probably my favorite work on this list. the mangaka is also trans so the inherent understanding and nuance of our protagonist’s experience is really lovely. Also featuring a fantastic brotp between a trans boy and his new himbo bestie; no seriously if you want a story about a trans boy getting to have good broships with other boys his own age I CANNOT stress this enough. Volume two is releasing next month; I have it preordered. I’m laying on my floor wishing for time to hurry the fuck up. I need more of this smol angry trans boy and his big soft himbo bff. PLS. Status: Ongoing (4 volumes published; 2 translated) Summary: Ryo Watari is a second year high school student who is trans and struggling to feel comfortable with his very rigidly structured life at school, at home, and among his friends (to whom he is not out.) By chance he meets Jin Sato, a cis boy who also feels outcast (often judged for his appearance without any deeper thought.) When Ryo comes out to Jin in a state of frustration, Jin accepts who Ryo is and makes an offer -- why not start a fashion line that subverts all the expectations that have been put on them both; why not express themselves even when they’ve been told they shouldn’t. Warnings: Ryo is struggling with gender dysphoria, and it is written by someone who has probably experienced it, so it might be a little real for any trans folks who deal with that. Also, while neither the narrative nor Jin misgender Ryo (at least, not once he expresses to Jin that he is a man), Ryo is not out to anyone else and so he frequently is misgendered at school and we see how badly that impacts him and the way he views himself and processes his emotions. Ryo spends a lot of time being angry and trying to swallow it down, and that can be very raw to witness at times. There is also a depiction of unsafe binding (though the mangaka has an immediate note about binding safety, and goes further in-depth at the back of the manga.)

Our Dining Table by Mita Ori

okay, so I was a bit on the fence about whether or not I wanted to include this as a rec, but I decided that it might actually been what someone wants or needs, so here it is! while I really enjoyed this concept, and I’m always a sucker for found family stories (let me tell you I’m queer without telling you I’m queer, much?) it feels like this story is a bit rushed at times, and the romantic relationship between our protagonists is very blink and you’ll miss it. I don’t even want to call it subtle so much as it is just not remotely the focus of the story so it’s a little startling when it happens. but! if you’re looking for a story about adults processing grief and trauma together, and learning how to care for another person (and as a result, learning how to care for themselves,) this is a nice read that isn’t too heavy!  Status: Complete (one volume) Summary: Yutaka is a salaryman whose past experiences prevent him from reaching out to others, even through something so simple as sharing a meal. Despite this is REALLY loves to cook, and wishes he had a reason to do it more often. Then he meets Minoru, and his muuuuuch younger brother Tane (it’s like a 17 year age gap between the brothers?) and finds himself teaching them how to cook, and overcoming his fear of eating in front of others. Warnings: Good news, there’s no overt homophobia in this story! Bad news, the other trauma makes up for it! We have a lot of trauma surrounding parental death, childhood bullying, and adoption; in addition to an actual fear of eating in front of others.

Our Dreams at Dusk / Shimanami Tasogare by Yuhki Kamatani

this is the first manga series I collected, and I’m still very pleased about that. the art is ABSOLUTELY stunning? the use of visual imagery and surreal analogies to explain queerness is fucking on POINT. I cried so hard during a couple of these volumes I developed a migraine. I only have one piece of critique on the whole thing (addressed in the warnings,) and I intend to do another re-read when I’m ready for the catharsis of sobbing into my pillow again. Like Boys Run The Riot, Our Dreams at Dusk is drawn and written by a member of the queer community (a non-binary mangaka, this time,) and as a result it hits pretty fucking close to home in a lot of ways. while I really love this series it’s super not for the faint of heart, you WILL come out of this reading experience with some things to unpack. Status: Completed (4 volumes; 4 translated) Summary: We mostly follow Tasuku Kaname, as he is outted at school by a classmate as being homosexual, and his initial despair and subsequent journey of acceptance. In this process, Tasuku finds himself at a drop-in center, which seems to primarily function as a safe space for queer people; we meet several lesbians, an elderly gay man, a trans character, and a young character who isn’t ready for any kind of label because they are still ??? about themselves and their identity. Each of these “secondary” characters is given room to breathe and to work through difficulties of their own while Tasuku watches and learns that even though life is hard sometimes, there’s beauty to be found in one’s own strength. Warnings: hoooo boy; well there’s all kinds of homophobia and transphobia; a character is outted against their will (multiple times), there’s some really insidious transphobia covered by “concern”, there’s internalized homophobia everywhere, and a very complicated asexual character whose presentation left me (as an ace) with super mixed feelings and a lot of frustration (though I wouldn’t call it bad necessarily; just wanted to put that out there for my fellow asexual folks.) If you have read (or go on to read!) any of these, please let me know! I’d love to chat about the stories, and hear your thoughts on them -- because we’re a broad/diverse community and our own experiences shape us differently and give us different insights. <3 ANYWAY, for those of you who read this monstrous self-indulgent post, thank you! Feel free to add any queer manga you’ve been reading below - I’m always on the hunt for more recs!

[eisforeidolon]

Hope you don't mind continuing this discussion about John. I do agree that John is neither perfect nor irredeemable, but the reason I called it unhealthy instead of abuse is because I feel it's only abuse if normal world standards are applied to SPN. Take an equivalent to their situation irl: a mother and her two sons are running from a war zone and she has to often leave her eldest to look after her youngest while she tries to find a way to end the threat. Is that still neglect and abuse?

It might just be semantics but I don't think what John does would be judged as abuse given their situation. Of course there's more to it like how much of Azazel's plan did he figure out and when, but it still comes down to whether or not John was right to keep this info from his kids, rather than whether or not he was abusive to do so. From what info John had, he was operating on a battlefield and his kids are both what he wants to protect and soldiers. He didn't choose that, so is it abuse?

******************************

I don't mind. Starting out with the obligatory I am not an expert by any means disclaimer? So far as I understand it, especially with certain kinds of emotional abuse, the important factors in whether or not it's considered abuse is less about intent and more whether it's part of an overarching pattern (yes) and whether it seriously fucks up the mental state of whoever it's inflicted on (yes). So both with John and your example, even in a fictional setting? I don't see abuse as some all capital letters buzzword of doom that makes a parent an uncaring monster whereas if they just make unhealthy choices that's totally different.

This is not to say that I disagree with you that extraordinary circumstances make no difference! I do think in terms of neglect and abuse our definitions and laws are based on average circumstances. However, I'm less inclined to quibble over what words you label those bad choices with as I am to want to discuss ultimately how avoidable they were.

I hope you don't mind me tweaking your example a bit? Let's say your mother in a war zone is leaving the kids like that to find food, or to lead a threat away from them, or some kind of imminent danger. It's still traumatic for the kids (though it'd be hard to separate out how much is general situation trauma and how much from skewed familial roles). Yet I don't think even the most twisted psychologist would try to argue that dead kids is better than traumatized kids. She doesn't have a better choice, but that doesn't mean her choice isn't an ongoing pattern of behavior that is going to scar those kids. Most people wouldn't want to call that abuse because of the connotations of fault it carries, even if it functionally has the same results to the kids' mental health. On that score, there's not a whole lot of difference between if she is actually protecting them from a real war - or suffering from paranoid delusions that have her locking her kids in their house to protect them from one in her head.

I think what makes John so divisive is that it's not so clear how much what he chooses to do is actually unavoidable. He does have legitimate fears about his kids being able to protect themselves from monsters generally, Azazel specifically, of having his kids taken away and being left unprotected, etc. Yet we also know that he had allies he trusted, even ones he trusted with his kids. We know the boys stayed with Pastor Jim, Bobby, and at least one other babysitter at various times. Yet there were still times he left them to fend for themselves, possibly prioritizing whatever specific random VotW over his kids' safety - and it's not all later season John dumping, either, with Something Wicked right in season one. Then there's the question of how much acting "more like a drill sergeant than a father" was truly necessary. Sam's got his own issues, but when John's choices ultimately left Dean with such an absolutely fucked up sense of self worth that (among other things) he thinks it's worth it to sell his soul to hell because it was "his job" to save Sam and "he failed"? Especially back when he thought Sam cared so little that he would be able to just go live a normal life while his brother was in hell because of him? You think it's really so out of the question to call that abuse, even considering the extraordinary circumstances?

I mean, I personally consider myself John neutral, but I can see both why people defend him (it was an impossible situation and he himself was traumatized and ill-equipped to deal) and hate his guts (his choices permanently fucked up his sons and it's possible to believe there were better ones that still would have protected them).

[xplrerdolan]

an analysis on and rant about what stan twitter did to grayson dolan:

as i mentioned earlier, i have quite a bit to say about the twitter stans trying to cancel the twins because of something they talked about on their podcast. not only do i have my own personal opinions on it, i also want to shed some light on the direction cancel culture has taken and why it’s so vile.

for context, here’s a transcription of what a very small but loud group of people are “upset” about: “people just want you to not be sober and not be on a diet, because, y’know, they-they kinda feel like shit that they’re not.” - ethan. also during the podcast, grayson mentions, vaguely, that he’s had an unhealthy relationship with food in the past, as did ethan. ethan later identified the problems as being eating disorders. from what i’ve seen on twitter, people mention either/or rather than both aspects when talking about why it should have had a trigger warning. for some people, the whole issue was the nine second clip of what ethan said. others said they were triggered by the mention of eating disorders.

let’s get into this, shall we?

first of all, let me identify myself as a fat girl who is the furthest thing from sober. my entire life, i have been criticized by my family and the world around me for my weight. i’m at a point in my life where i embrace being fat, and i am comfortable with it, which i constantly have to justify. i am directly affected by diet culture, fatphobia, and eating disorders. i personally struggle with disordered eating—different from an eating disorder in that i have a generally unhealthy relationship with food—and what they said does not warrant a trigger warning.

why? because they’re not talking about needing to be on a diet. they’re not shitting on people who aren’t on a diet. they aren’t forcing their diet & healthy eating onto us as an audience. they also didn’t talk about their eating disorders on the podcast; they said they might talk about it later. what they are doing is being condescending—but let’s unpack that quickly.

their condescension is not targeted or directed at us. it is directed toward people who try to pressure them to do things for instant gratification. specifically, other influencers and hollywood as a whole. not to mention, he’s clearly suggesting that people who try to get them to break their sobriety or their diets are the ones who probably feel shitty about themselves for not doing those things. idk about the rest of y’all but i’ve never seen any fans trying to pressure them into getting off their diet or drinking. so, it’s clearly not directed at any of us.

hollywood is hedonistic. the whole aesthetic of youth, the advertisement of satisfaction is rooted in indulgence. maintaining a healthy diet, just like sobriety, is the complete opposite of that.

the snark and the comparison to sobriety are there because he’s annoyed with others trying to pressure him into enjoying his youth “like he should;” a standard set by culture that he & grayson don’t want to participate in for personal reasons. let me remind you that we do not know what they hear from other influencers. we have not been surrounded by a group of other influential people—really influential, not your peers in high school—who are trying to get us to just have one little drink, or just have one little milkshake, or just eat one little burger. connections matter in hollywood. consider how separate the twins seem from other influencers—do you think that’s merely coincidental? i can almost promise you it’s not. they likely avoid people who pressure them one too many times or who put them at risk of disappointing themselves because they might succumb to peer pressure.

what i’m saying here is ethan was projecting. he was projecting his annoyance, frustration, and perhaps some amount of bitterness or general bad feelings in a way that protected himself. yes, it’s a little condescending because a lot of his fans—including myself—might struggle with diet culture or sobriety, or some of us might make choices in our lives that differ from theirs so it feels mildly offensive or just makes you feel bad. i’ll admit that when i first heard it, i was a little put off for a second. but then, i did precisely what so many twitter stans need to do: i got the fuck over it. because i’m not so unsympathetic that i can’t imaging that maybe their life looks a liiiittle different from mine, and i’m not so self-centered to believe that one passing comment applies to me or was ever intended to hurt me personally.

yes, delivery and effect matters more than intention. and if anyone was genuinely offended or triggered, yes, that warrants apology. but it doesn’t obliterate intention. intention matters.

onto my next point: responsibility. i believe people are responsible for correctly labelling potentially triggering information. BUT that doesn’t necessarily mean that you put a trigger warning on a podcast because of one passing comment and the mention of eating disorders. it’s not as though the twins were mocking them or carelessly talking about their experiences—which i note would be careless because eating disorders are a social disease and they get stronger with validation from others as well as through normalization of the disorder. by normalization, i mean saying things or making jokes that encourage one to restrict or to binge. knowing that they did none of that, and that people’s primary issue (what ethan said) was a major misunderstanding, it’s pretty clear that they were under no obligation to put a trigger warning.

now, let’s consider the following: the twins have recently been being more open with us about their insecurities, especially ethan. while talking about what helped him get to a point where he’s comfortable with his acne, he mentions that working out and taking care of himself physically played a huge part in that. in addition to the last two recent points of discussion on their platforms and channel, they have also been sharing their journey through veganism and are very excited about how great they feel because of it.

taking all of that into account, if you know that you’re at such a sensitive point in your recovery or your disorder (which is nothing to be ashamed about, i’d like to note) that someone mentioning their own diet, their view of their own diet, or just the general existence of eating disorders is enough to trigger you, you have to understand that you have a responsibility to avoid potentially triggering content. excluding their eating disorders, we all knew about their recent healthy vegan diet and their devotion to maintaining their physique. i mention this because it seems as though the people who are upset would’ve been triggered by the latter two things regardless—it’s not the words “eating” and “disorder” that suddenly break you like a hypnotic command, it’s the whole premise of two guys talking about how physically fit they are and how healthy they’ve been eating. since this is what they’ve been talking about recently and this is what’s going on in their life, you have to be responsible enough to not seek out or engage with something that could be triggering to you. you need to step away from those things yourself and come back to them when you are capable of hearing about someone else’s healthy choices without internalizing that information and inflicting it upon yourself.

i find it also incredibly important to note that the language ethan uses is very clearly a way to defend himself and ward off anyone who disagrees with his dietary choices. it’s his way of validating himself. which, if you’ve been paying attention, is a sign that he’s insecure about his diet to begin with; if you have more than three brain cells, you should be able to figure out from that fact alone that even if he didn’t have an eating disorder, he clearly has issues with eating. which is why i think nitpicking a nine second clip out of a 45-50ish minute episode of a podcast is absolutely disgusting to me; look at what’s happened now. in their lack of consideration for what he might be going through, despite them literally telling us that they have struggled with eating disorders in the past, they essentially ended up “outing” him. at least, i’ve spent enough time listening to that clip and typing up this analysis of the situation to see it that way.

the last overarching thing i’d like to talk about here is the how this whole situation demonstrates the dangerous and frankly disgusting turn that cancel culture has taken in recent times. cancel culture is no longer expository; it has evolved to be exploitative. people take any opportunity to cancel someone in the hopes that they get attention and validation from others. i believe—and i urge you to read this part carefully and to not misconstrue my intentions or meaning when i say this—that we have pushed the idea that we should support, trust, and listen to the disenfranchised to a degree that we no longer allow any space for critical thinking and analysis of a certain claim. LET ME BE PERFECTLY AND COMPLETELY CLEAR. this does NOT mean that a white person can analyze a BIPOC’s experience with racism to dismiss it, it does NOT mean that nonvictims can analyze a victim’s allegations against someone to disprove it, and thus, it does NOT mean that any oppressor of any kind can apply their ignorant, blind assumptions to any oppressed person’s claims to disqualify what they have said.

with that being said, the reason i mention this is because there are going to inevitably be people, like whoever started this whole mess, who make claims that are either false, dramatized, or that are based on misunderstandings. a part of me wants to believe that the person who initially claimed to be triggered by what ethan said misheard him or took what he said personally when they should not have. if we encouraged people to have discussions about these things, then perhaps someone would’ve pointed out to them that no where in that statement does he shame people for not being on diets or for not being sober. rather, he was projecting his feelings of being criticized onto those who criticize him.

now, the other possibility (that i would rather not believe) is that this person—the first person to say something—picked out a nine second segment of the podcast where ethan said something less than positive and went out of their way to make it seem like an issue. still, the same problem ensues: we’ve created such a culture that if you challenge the position of the accuser then you’re simply brainwashed by the accused and you’re part of the problem.

i can say with utmost certainty that even if the first person to complain about the clip hadn’t intended to make something out of nothing, a fair 90% of them who said blatantly disrespectful things to ethan and grayson DEFINITELY just wanted to hop on a bandwagon. there was one girl who replied to grayson several times, claiming that what they had said was VERY triggering to a lot of people, but within her frantic outcry for an apology from him, she admitted that she herself wasn’t triggered and didn’t even struggle with an eating disorder, before proceeding to tell someone else who does have an eating disorder that if they weren’t triggered it’s not their place to say the twins don’t have to apologize.

......................since the girlies from the bird app like to lurk here, let me spell that one out for y’all:

✨stop demanding apologies that you cannot accept✨

hopefully that gets through to them. because this is the second time in a row that they’ve gone ahead and demanded apologies from the twins that they cannot accept. the heteros were down their throats about the f-slur (which i use in reclamation as it has been used against me personally but i won’t repeat here on the off chance that someone is hurt by it).

it’s so painfully obvious that they’re doing it for likes, retweets, and replies. whether they want people to argue with them or just want attention, they’re hiding behind the guise of caring about a very serious issue and speaking FOR the people who might be offended. i believe people like this noticed a pattern under celebrity tweets when BLM was the center of discussion on twitter. if a celebrity wasn’t talking about BLM, people were under that tweet demanding that they did. those tweets would often get a lot of interactions from people who agreed that someone with a platform should speak up. and since local stan twitter does nothing but regurgitate what’s “trending,” they’re trying to find any reason to be the social justice warrior precisely no one asked them to be and absolutely no one needs them to be.

i don’t think that anyone really needs me to explain why they should be ashamed of themselves, but in case one of them is floating around: it’s because when a bunch of people demand an apology for a non-problem, gang up on that person, flood their replies with nothing but those demands in hopes that someone with as much sense as them on twitter-dot-fucking-com will engage with it and maybe join their futile efforts, it leads to people having to expose a part of themselves that they wanted to keep private. it’s a violation not only of their privacy, but of their emotional consent and the boundaries they had set up.

i’d like to leave anyone guilty of contributing to this situation with this to consider: they start to open up to us more, they start to be more honest with us, they try their best to show us their appreciation for support, and as soon as they mention having an eating disorder it’s a personal attack on you and they need to apologize for it? or worse—someone else said that it was a personal attack on them so you reply five separate times even though it’s not your apology to accept and therefore is not your apology to ask for. it’s bitches like you who make them keep everything vague and private. i don’t even want to consider what they’re going through right now; it breaks my heart to imagine how badly they’re hurting. all for likes and retweets on the fucking bird app. let me know what that gets you in five years.

[docholligay]

Doc Loves His Dark Materials

If I were going to regret anything about HDM, it would be that I wasn’t in high school until I read it. If I read it when I was a child, I would have been full-tilt obsessed with it. It was precisely the sort of thing I was always looking for and could never find. 

There are a great many YA books that delve into the realm of fantasy, but few of them that inhabit such a fully realized world. Lyra’s world, as it is set up, immediately takes you in, and it manages to almost have an air of urban fantasy, a world that is clearly different from ours, but not so different that it requires a lot of jargon or that it becomes difficult to understand. It is our world, but only off a few clicks. 

Daemons are my favorite “personality sorter” of any of the YA books that have them, which is many, because everyone loves to put themselves into boxes while claiming labels are stifling. I also rarely see much discussion about daemons, and I assume this because it’s much more difficult than one’s Hogwarts house or anything like that. Your daemon’s form is intrinsically tied to who you are at your core, and Pullman is utterly unconcerned with overexplaining how they work, and how they are chosen for you, outside of that. 

Lyra Belacqua is a fantastic main character in that she has true flaws which are immediately apparent to the reader. It is not that she is plain, and put upon by life, she is not some brooding orphan looking to find herself. She is spoilt, and impetuous, and willfully ignores all the privileges of her life. She is a willful and skilled liar, and there’s a great deal about Lyra that’s not particularly likeable at all, and yet for all that, she feels more fully realized. She is a girl who must come into herself. 

And all of this, of course, ties back into the fact that Pullman does not treat his young readers as if they were incapable of handling deeper themes and ideas, or that they can’t read. The narration is often lyrical in quality, the title of the series is cribbed directly from Paradise Lost, and from time to time the book itself quotes poetry. It believes that young readers are capable of higher things. The concepts of grey morality, of desperation, of sacrifice. His Dark Materials is not afraid to question the very wisdom and usefulness of God. 

To this end, as I referenced above, Pullman does not feel the need to drill things down to the exact point. It’s actually a lot closer to adult books in this way, that it expects that young readers are also capable of drawing their own conclusions and coming to their own ends. Every time I thought it was going to put too fine a point on something, it would stop, right there. 

That is not to say it’s a perfect series, as nothing in life is perfect, and occasionally I roll my eyes at Pullman’s preachiness, but it’s few and far between. Most of the series is a deeply textured, complicated children’s series about maturity, heaven, the difficulties of one’s parents, and also there are witches. 

Spoilery below the cut

This is one of my favorite YA series of all time, and might be my favorite if we break it into age groups, being as A Series of Unfortunate Events is clearly meant for a much younger audience. Northern Lights/The Golden Compass (spicy take! The Golden Compass is a better title than the original! It fits with the pattern of The Subtle Knife and the Amber Spyglass, and also with the overarching Series Title of His Dark Materials. Why are you booing me, I’m right.) 

I think all YA series want to make their characters’ flaws into eventual strengths, but I don’t think any (that i’ve read) do it quite so well. Lyra’s stubbornness and lying, storytelling, save her ass more than once in a way that doesn’t seem coerced or cheap. I love that eventually she learns how to be less of a liar, and more of a storyteller. That her life can be as interesting as the falsehoods she used to tell, it feels very much like my own experience of becoming and adult and discovering that I had plenty of interesting things to say without telling a lie. 

Lee Scoresby is my favorite character of all of them, and I adore him, and his arc is so good, so entrenched with that classic Western sense of just wanting not to be involved, and being unable to stop yourself from getting involved. I was, of course, sad when he died, but there was literally no more fitting end for Lee than what ended up happening, that sense of sacrifice and willingness to die for the sort of idea that a person can hold, that utter loyalty. I still haven’t watched the HBO version partially because I’m not sure I can fucking handle him being played by Lin Manuel Fucking Miranda. Who also played ~the cockney lamplighter~ in the new Mary Poppins because I’m not allowed to enjoy anything. 

People are often surprised that I love HDM because it’s intensely anti-religion, and indeed, there are a handful of times that Pullman’s edgy atheist act annoys me. But in fairness, it’s MOSTLY not my religion taking the punishment, in that Pullman, like most Culturally Christian Athiests, assumes all “abrahamic” religions are the same, despite all three of them (or four, if you count protestant as its own thing) being vastly fucking different in approach and belief. So, really, I don’t get hit that much. But also rather than JUST being like “RELIGION MAKES YOU NAUGHTY” which is about as deep as it goes in The Golden Compass, it ends up taking the tack that God is nothing but a powerless old man who WANTS to die, who is being held up only by those who wish to bring war and strife. What a concept! Amazing! Not where I expected it to go at all. 

Also the fucking courage to show dissolving into the world as being preferable to some form of eternal life? FUCK ME. I was so absolutely struck by that, as a religious person who, probably 70% of the time, really can’t deal with the concept of an afterlife. It seems so overwhelming to me. I thought the whole thing was done beautifully. 

And its not as if he doesn’t punish both the religious and not alike--despite everything, Mrs. Coulter and Lord Asriel both end up hurling through the abyss because neither of them could every really move from their positions. In bringing down the Voice of God, they also must destroy themselves, built around this idea of upholding god and destroying god in equal measure, they cannot stand without him. I mean shit! You’re not gonna see that in Harry Fucking Potter, which built up the necessity of a hero’s sacrifice only to pull it out of the ass. 

The way that Lyra’s parents are both villain and hero, at turns, and how you come around to be like, ‘Wow, you are both assholes” even though they are on opposite sides, is remarkable. How many times how you read YA and it’s been like “oh my long lost and/or dead parent is wonderful!! How I love/miss them!!”? HDM does not fuck around with parents. Lyra’s parents are enemies and completely corrupt weirdos, Will’s mother needs him to take care of her in a way that is NOT made cute, and his father just fucking fucks off and dies the minute Will meets him. It’s a thing I didn’t realize I saw so little of in YA until I saw it here. 

I completely expected, braced for, and readied myself for Will and Lyra to end up together, and I was so fucking pleased that they don’t. It’s refreshing to be proven wrong, to have an author not decide that the boy and girl need to get together at the end of it. And it’s remarkably low drama.

[cozycryptidcorner]

Chapter Seven

“good morning, kids. gentle reminder that chapter eight of the Mad Prince is up on my patreon for the $1 tier, so you don’t have to wait!”

You exit the bathroom, hair still damp, and swing around to where the prince is, his back turned to you, his telecom pressed up against his ear, entire body tense. Thinking that the uneasy conversation is just probably some political strife and you shouldn’t bother him about it, you take a moment to look over the sheer size of his bed. Sure, while his torso bit is about the same size as a rather large human male, the rest of his body does need a lot of space to stretch out and relax, which is probably why his mattress is easily the size of some of the apartments you’ve stayed in before.

“How did you let this happen?” You hear him say as you climb on to the silken sheets. The actual bed isn’t all that high, it’s about average, so you don’t struggle to get on there. “Are there any leads?”

Laying your entire body out flat against the mattress, you take a moment to stare up at the ornately decorated ceiling. Unlike your suite, gilded with glittering metals, the stone of the walls and ceiling are whorled with different deposits of minerals, grays, blues, and even dulled violets seep and curve through the surfaces. Then there are all the carvings, worn with time, but still evident enough that you can immediately pick up on the overarching pattern that converges on a single, circular centerpiece in the middle of the ceiling.

“You’re very, very lucky that she is with me right now.” The dangerous edge of the prince’s voice gives you a jolt, and you sit up. “I don’t care for excuses, Elias. I care about the results.”

“What’s going on?” You ask, and he twists around to give you a look of… relief? He holds his hand up, requesting for one moment away from your attention, and then he frowns.

“Find who did it, and leave them alive for me to deal with.” The threat in his voice is clear, and it sends icy shivers down your arms. You’ ve- you’ve never seen him like this, so enraged that he looks like he’s shaking, as though he’s only three slights away from going on a bloody rampage. His main seeing eyes narrow as whoever is on the receiving end offers up some empty reassurances, but he doesn’t respond before hanging up.

Finally, you’re under his full attention, which doesn’t make you feel any better. There’s a sick pit at the bottom of your stomach because you know something has happened, something big, but you don’t grasp what. Did they find something incriminating? Has the maid gone through your things? No, no, you don’t think you would still be standing if that was the case, though can you really be sure? Maybe, just maybe, it’s something as simple as someone reporting that you’re missing.

He lets out a long sigh, and you’re almost screaming for him to just tell you, because you’re about to crack under the pressure. Finally, he shakes his head. “Someone broke into your suite.”

Which is usually a minor thing to you, it happens all the time whenever you stayed in the seedier parts of the galaxy. But,, but definitely not now that there are things in your room which can incriminate you in something nasty. “What happened? What was stolen?”

He doesn’t answer, and you feel like puking. “I wouldn’t know, you’ll have to do a full inventory of your things.”

There’s something else, something he’s not telling you. You’re about to fucking explode, but somehow, impossibly, you manage to keep your voice calm enough to say, “Aksanos, just tell me how bad it is. Be honest.”

“Your security detail is dead.”

You sit back, mulling over his claim. One, you didn’t even realize you had a security detail, which was awfully stupid of you because of course you would, and two, you are very aware of just how much danger you are, just as the matchmaker rep had warned.

“Someone- or a group of someones, most likely political opposition to my family’s caste, broke into your suite, murdered your guards, and were most likely looking to kill you as well. Or, at the very least, take you hostage.” The way he says it, his voice almost cracks during the last sentence, you suddenly realize that you might actually mean something to him.

You take a deep breath. “What about the servant? Semele?”

He looks at you strangely, then away at the ceiling, admitting in a low, defeated voice, “Semele Leos was one of your guards.”

You think of her motherly, tender eyes, the way she smiled when you asked to be of any help to her tasks. And you think of the callousness of which your last words to her were, I don’t want to be disturbed. That was that, no thanks, no gratitude for all the effort she put into keeping your space liveable. Oh god, she wasn’t even a maid, was she? It must have been torturous to babysit someone who didn’t even bother to try to clean up after herself. But also, there’s something else, some other realization clamoring in the back of your head, something so obvious you don’t know why you hadn’t seen it before. “She wasn’t just a guard, was she?”

The prince clears his throat. “No, she wasn’t. Elias thought it would be… prudent, to keep an eye on you.”

“But you agreed.” It wasn’t an accusation, you just don’t feel like allowing him to deflect any guilt.

“I did.” At least he admits it easily enough. “There was cause for concern, in case your position on the match had been… compromised.”

“Well, it wasn’t unwarranted.” This will be the closest you’ve ever admitted to the real reason that you’re here, but you don’t elaborate, not even when the prince gives you one of his careful, questioning stares. In fact, you’re satisfied to let the room slip away into silence, if only for a minute because you need the time to quietly grieve for a life that didn’t have to die. Not for, at least, you’re quite frankly sick of how people seem to drop dead around you. Carefully, to keep the tears from your eyes, you take in a deep, cleansing breath, and let it all out. “So, what now?”

“Given the fact that the traitors seem to have had an informed advantage over your security measure, and perhaps even your movements, I believe something drastic must be done to ensure your safety. What did you tell your guard when you went crawling about in the vents?”

You feel your throat tighten. “That I was going to lie down for a rest.”

He nods as if he suspected as much. “It is quite possible your room was somehow bugged by this traitor faction. Given the fact that I don’t know which of my underling staff to trust, except perhaps for the ones that are already dead, then I’m afraid that it would be rather unwise for you to have a suite of your own.”

Well, correct, and you also don’t want to tell him that your matchmaker rep was also fully programmed in all forms of defense, making her probably be the biggest adversary to overcome. Funny coincidence on how her programming was hacked and had to be fully shut down for everyone’s safety, hm? “Um, what do you suggest, then?”

“That you stay in here with me.”

It’s a simple enough solution, but you’re still taken aback by the ease that he says it. Oh, right, just share a room, why hadn’t you thought of it? There’s an odd twinge in your chest, one that you’re a little too bit receptive to, and you have to calm the resulting nerves that seem to be steadily building up in your stomach. Yeah, just share a room.

“You’re tense,” the prince notices quickly, “was the suggestion unbecoming of me? If so, I apologize.”

“It’s probably a smart thing to do,” you say, slowly.

“And yet?”

“Well, the thing is,” you let out a breath, “I know that you mean the best when you say it, but I’m not really the best roommate. You’re not just going to get me when my hair is nice, or when I’ve had a couple of hours to wake up and get my shi- er, stuff together, you’re going to get me when I snore, or when I have to use the bathroom at some ungodly hour of the night and trip over just about everything on my way there, or how absolutely obnoxious I get when I’m tired, and just a bunch of other things that I’m sure you’re not going to be so fond of. We’re still kind of strangers.” Also, there’s only one bed. Not sure how you’re going to handle that one quite yet.

You’re not sure if the best or worst part is that he hears you, clearly running over your immediate offer of cons to the idea in his head, hair falling over his shoulder as he looks to the side while he thinks. Finally, after just a moment of reflection, he says, “I still don’t understand why you find the idea unsavory.”

“What?” You blink. “I just - I just was not really prepared to be in such a… a domestic situation so quickly. But I can be, I guess since it does seem like the best outcome. I’m just letting you know that I should come with a warning label.”

“I’m sure all individuals can agree that they come with a unique set of issues, myself included.” The prince offers you what you think is a hesitant smile, but he could just be moving his mouth weird. “You aren’t repulsive.”

“Oh, thanks.” You say, knowing that he probably doesn’t mean it the way he said it. “You aren’t repulsive, either. Just… I want to be aware of these things, alright? I mean it, too, I don’t like being kept in the dark about anything. Let me know if I’m in danger, and from where it might be coming, I’ll do a better job at keeping myself out of it if I know what’s happening.”

It doesn’t take him much more persuading to agree. “I do believe that you would be a greater asset than hindrance if your quaint atmosphere duct maneuvers have shown, but you must at least be willing to do the same for me. No more escapades without my knowledge, hm?”

“That’s fair.” You agree, reaching your hand out. When the prince doesn’t do anything, you take one of his long-fingered hands in your own and shake it firmly. “That’s the human way of coming to an agreement.”

“I see,” he says, and yes, you think he’s actually smiling now. “That’s an interesting way of showing it.”

“How do the people here do it?”

“Oh,” he waves his hand, “we don’t have any gestures or symbols beyond that of piety and respect. We hold each other to our word, or there will be bloodshed. There are traditional punishments for those who go back on their promises, usually involving plucking out a limb or two.”

“Cool.” You say, deciding never to double-cross anyone, ever, then and there. “Would love to talk more about the ceremonies involving dismemberment, but I just remembered how hungry I am. Is there anything we can do about food, or am I stuck being starved until everything gets sorted out?”

That snaps the prince out of whatever trance he had been in briefly. “Of course, allow me a moment to order something up. Please, how do the humans say it… ‘make yourself at home,’ while I do so.”

While the prince goes back to speaking on his telecom device, you’re back to laying out against the covers of his bed, staring right back up at the ceiling. And then the sick feeling quickly returns, seeping through your veins like a stab of poison, eating at your heartbeat until it rockets around your chest like an unstable core. Honestly, you’d think that you could take a close call like that in stride, you’ve done so before, but it’s a reminder of just how open you are in this unfamiliar environment. Because yes, you’ve had close calls. Sometimes ever closer than this one!

But you’ve always seen them coming.

You’ve seen the glint of metal in someone’s pocket. You’ve smelled the burning acid of lighter fluid. You’ve noticed a person’s shifting glance or a nervous lip bite, or the tense way a double-crosser might turn their eyes, looking for help. But you didn’t even have an inkling that a bullet was heading for your forehead this time. And maybe you would have heard the struggle of a trained guard outside your bedroom door, though more likely, you wouldn’t have, and you would have ended up as a corpse. The thought of being taken alive doesn’t even cross your mind, though, because at least then you have the street smarts to escape and evade capture. Death, that’s what you’re afraid of. Once your brains are splashed out on the wall, there’s no running from that.

You swallow thickly as the prince asks you what you feel like eating. Typically, you might shrug and offer a halfhearted response, but you know that something left for interpretation might get you a bowl of writhing bugs. “Remember that dinner we had when I first arrived?”

“Of course, anything else?”

“I’m good, thanks.” The brief conversation snapped you out of that depressive spiral, so you wait, not so patiently, for the prince to finish ordering your food, and then you pounce on him. “I’d like to hear more about you, please.”

“What do you wish to know?”

He had a full profile on the official matchmaker site, there was a complete list of hobbies and things he might do for enjoyment, but you didn’t know what any of it was. Now’s the time to figure it out, though, before you go insane with guilt. “What do you do for fun?”

In a couple of steps, his spindly body is back over to the foot of the bed, where you lie. “Before I answer that, humor me for a moment.”

You look up, trying to pull yourself back to the moment, to reality. “Yeah?”

“Move over to the side, just a bit, then up to the top.”

Dubiously, you do as he says, scooting your body until you are in the very corner of the mattress. “Like this?”

Without answering, he slides his entire body up onto the sheets, large abdomen able to somehow dwarf the gigantic bed itself. Yet above all else, he somehow manages to line his head and torso up to yours, almost making it seem as though the two of you are about the same size, so long as you don’t look down at the massive amount of long, thin legs, that is. Still, the gesture doesn’t escape you, and your chest begins to fill with something other than anxiety.

“During childhood, we’re expected to be able to make a show of superiority and strength, so the sport of wrestling is highly encouraged. Youths are expected to compete against each other, though the disgrace of losing isn’t carried outside the ring. Adulthood, though, brings many different expectations to those who compete. Winning against a weaker opponent brings little respect; however, managing to wrangle a much stronger opponent does plenty of honor to their status.”

“Kind of like the Galaxy Wrestling Entertainment?” You ask, though you haven’t heard of driders or drows competing.

“None of the matches are televised,” Aksanos says, “it is entirely a private matter between the families and judges. The outcomes may sometimes be publicized, though the details are not given beyond the winner and loser.”

“So no one knows if it’s a close win or not,” you clarify.

“Correct, people only know the most basic outcome.”

“That’s-” awful, you don’t say, so much pressure to put on someone, “an interesting way of doing things.”

“Perhaps,” he responds, “but that is how we have done it for generations. Though once most driders have fought each other, and really, truly wish to give a show of strength, they must wrestle the dragons of the deep.”

It takes you a minute to fully process what you’ve just heard. “I’m sorry- you’re expected to wrestle a dragon?”

“I’ve done it many times,” he says, as though that somehow puts your mind at ease. “It might be difficult, yes, but it sometimes is the only way to earn respect. Anyone who does not partake in a show of strength, wrestling or not, are seen as weak, or unworthy of their stations. I must do every little thing to earn what I can.”

You’re still stuck on the fact that he’s fought dragons that you almost don’t notice when he reaches over, tucking stray string of drying hair behind your ear.

“Do not fret,” he says, “for I am strong and have always emerged victorious.”

“Everyone’s victorious until they aren’t,” you respond dully, tucking your hand underneath your chin.

“Perhaps that is true,” he allows, “but you have naught to worry about.”

You’re tempted to argue further, but there is a brisk beeping in the direction of the door, and you dully remember that he had ordered food for you, not so long ago. Before he can even think of getting up, you do so first, reaching over to where he placed your thiamas, braced for attack. Adrenaline has yet to do your body the pleasure of dissipating, so you’re just as ready to rip someone’s face off now as you were a few minutes ago, despite the… relief of talking to the prince about his dragon wrestling escapades.

He doesn’t seem to find your tense reaction strange, if anything, he seems less worried than he was just a few minutes ago. It takes him a good minute to haul his behemoth body out of bed, but once he is on his feet, his movements are swift and graceful. The two of you exit his bedroom, the same, intricate carvings engraved into the walls, the low lamps almost flickering like candlelight. You’re struck by the thought of how this must of been what it was like for the first driders that went underground, that is, if the stories of the legend were to be true. They were only able to see very faintly, even with the dim, warm glow of fire before they were blessed by their mother goddess with the Night Sight. It’s a strange feeling, but you’re also hit with a brief memory from when you were still at the mining colonies, stringing up little fairy lights when you were younger, making a fort of light, flat stones.

The door opens when he swipes the control panel to the side, revealing two very nervous drow, pushing a tray full of food into the room. Both of them look like they would quite enjoy being anywhere but here, and though you aren’t really used to gauging the tones of their skin, yet, one seems a little paler than the usual pallet. They work on setting the small table on the side of the room, setting the table with dishes, silverware, the works, then laying out the platters in the center. You watch them operate, see their worry, their terror, and only briefly wonder what they’re so afraid of before glancing over at the prince’s face.

Oh, that’s probably why.

He’s staring them down, head tilted slightly to the side, his mouth no longer in the gentle curve of an almost-smile. The way he stands is different, too, his legs stretched out longer, his shoulders broad, and arms crossed tightly over his chest. Even though he’s significantly taller than you, he never made it seem that way, or at least, he never looked down on you with such a contemptuous gaze of bitter distaste. In fact, a shiver goes down your spine when you see him like that, even though you know you aren’t the recipient of such feelings.

One everything is settled, the drow make a move for the door, but the prince stops them with a firm, ”wait.”

They both freeze.

“Come here,” he orders, gesturing to the food. “Doesn’t it look remarkably delicious? I think that the both of you should have the honor of trying some before you leave.”

The drows don’t speak in response, only hesitantly approaching the table they had tried to leave. A part of you sees where this is going, the other part wants to fade away in the shadows. You’ve never seen the prince act so much as firm before, let alone murderous, and despite his reputation, you had begun to think that perhaps it was all hyperbole. Now, maybe you can bear witness to how it probably wasn’t.

“Go on,” the prince says, his voice condescendingly harsh, ”eat the food.”

One of them does, reaching over and pulling something off one of the platters, popping it into their mouth. The second one follows suit, taking something else, and eating it. Mouths either chew quickly or not at all, one of them picking to swallow the bite whole, probably so they could leave faster. But the prince doesn’t offer them the dignity of being dismissed, instead, he watches their reactions, the room eerily silent. If there was a clock, you might be able to time the seconds, though instead, you watch the way they both shake, hands jittering, shoulders tense, eyes either darting too fast or merely fixated at one place on the floor.

Nothing happens. And still a few minutes later, nothing more. The prince finally waves his hand in a gesture of dismissal, not even bothering to tell them that they are excused. They both catch the drift, though, bowing deeply and then rushing out of the room as quickly as they can without also running, their movements smooth and fluid. You watch them leave, still in shock from the viciousness emanating from the prince’s body posture, then suddenly remember your manners.

“Thank you!” You call after them just as the door shuts.

“You should not do that,” the prince says, voice still echoing the tone he used on his servants.

“I shouldn’t be polite?” You clarify, walking over to the table and looking over what they brought. There’s certainly plenty of stuff for you to sample, not just the things you requested.

“Politeness differs between cultures,” the prince elaborates, the tight, regal words slowly dissipating as he slips out from conqueror and back to hesitant lover. “What you see as kindness is considered a weakness here. People might try to take advantage of that.”

“Don’t mistake my kindness for stupidity.” You spear something you don’t recognize with a two-pronged fork, “I’m being nice, I wasn’t born yesterday.”

It takes him a moment to process your words, probably because he hasn’t heard that saying before. “Still, I think that you should at least consider stopping thanking the servants every time they do something for you. It will be seen as unsightly.”

“Or, the alternative,” you suggest, “your servants, so shocked at someone being nice to them, will now be more likely to do what I saw because I, a kind person, asked it of them.”

“They should do as you ask because of your station, not because you’re ‘nice.’"

“Care to make a bet?”

“This is a bet that you are going to lose.” The prince says.

You settle down on the chair and arch your eyebrows. “Did they tell you that I’m a gambler?” At the sharp, shake of his head, you wonder if the matchmakers left that part out of the report or if you failed to mention it on the form. “The thing is, I’m a good gambler because I don’t throw money in unless I know that I’m going to win. The fact that I’m willing to even mention it should warn you off.”

“What do I get if I win?” He asks, mildly bemused by your words.

“Well,” you say, “it has to be something that you want, and it has to be something I can give. And the other way around for when I win.”

“I’ll have to think the terms over. How will I know if you win?”

“If I need someone to do something, and they do it, not because they must, but because they want to.”

The prince settles in his section of the table, reaching over and grasping one of the delicacies laid out. “And how will we know which of us is victorious?”

You shrug because his end of the deal seems a lot more challenging to call. “I guess it’s more subjective, but my point still stands. If I win, I want a tour of the solar system, in person, on a spaceship. And I want to pilot it.”

He cocks his head, clearly thinking it over. “I suppose that would be acceptable. You might have to give me some time to think over what I might want from you, if that is somehow in line with the rules of this little game.”

“Usually not, but I’m fine with bending them a bit for you.” You twirl your fork around in the bowl. “Just let me know sometime, I guess.”

And then you begin eating, trying to take your mind off how you’re going to be sharing the spectacularly large bed soon enough.

[hashtagartistlife]

🔺 for RenRuki/Renji

1. i do not CARE what wdkaly said. if rukia came up to him and told him she loved him renji would sit her down and ask her what the fuck was going on because renji knows what’s going on between ir, probably faster than rukia herself catches onto her own damn feelings. like, don’t get me wrong! if rukia was adamant that he was the one she wanted, well, it’s not like renji’s going to say no to that! but renji would tell her to have a good long think about what she really wants. and then if rukia said no, no, you’re the one i want, renji wouldn’t argue further and go along with it, even if he thought she was lying.

i guess that’s the main difference between renji and ichigo, though. if ichigo thought rukia was lying to him + the lies are eventually going to end up hurting her, he’d tell her to cut the bullshit and not take no for an answer. renji cares enough about rukia to ask her, to give her a chance to stop and get out (and initially he didn’t even do that - this check first instinct is probably only something he developed after that 40 year separation that literally only happened because he didn’t check in with her first), but if rukia stubbornly insists on continuing to lie, then he probably respects her too much to try and change her mind on it. (tldr: ichigo’s not afraid of calling out rukia’s bullshit, just like rukia’s not afraid of calling out ichigo’s bullshit. renji… hm. afraid isn’t quite the right word for it. maybe renji just thinks he doesn’t have the right to call out other people’s bs, especially not rukia’s, not when they have such a history together.) Which is definitely a double-edged sword; it’s nice to be so respected as a person! it’s nice that renji trusts rukia enough to make her own stupid choices and take the consequences for it! it’s the kind of trust you can only get because they’re childhood friends who have survived literal hell together. It’s a very ideal kind of friendship! i think it’s just that, in the context of the narrative, rukia’s ‘choices’ all tend to be devastating for her and her wellbeing, and also… serve no purpose apart from making her miserable? there is literally no point in her having to go through all this because of a dumbass choice made out of guilt. which is why ichigo is presented as a better fit for her, as being able to do for her something that renji couldn’t (or wouldn’t) do. 

2. having said all this, and also openly admitting that, realistically speaking, if we view these characters as actual real life people and not characters from a story that should serve a narrative purpose, i think renruki is a pretty decent ship since they’re both decent people who have a long shared history together and overcame a lot of bs together and have a solid foundation of friendship–

having said all that i still hate renruki lmfao. there’s a lot of reasons for this, mostly petty reasons, but the main reason is that, to me, personally, it’s a downgrade for rukia. It rips her protagonist status away from her and makes her a side character. A side character with a lot of paneltime and importance, sure! but a side character nonetheless. 

but endgame ships don’t negate all those panels rukia was in! it doesn’t negate what rukia did for the story overall in bleach! and you are right, strawman! but to the casual reader who equates ‘female protagonist’ with the label of ‘heroine’, which is slapped on the girl who ends up with the protagonist of the series, that’s exactly what rukia not ending up with ichigo did! shit, kubo himself knows that that’s what his ending did. it doesn’t matter how many times he said rukia is the protagonist of the story along with ichigo. that final colourspread he did for chapter 686? ichigo’s singled out, but rukia isn’t. She’s posed and dressed exactly the same way as every other nakama on that colourspread, absolutely nothing to indicate she was anything special to the story at all. kubo knows that by ending his manga like this, he’s erasing rukia’s protagonist status to all but the most dedicated readers. 

even disregarding what the ‘general public’ thinks about bleach and bleach heroines, rukia ending up with renji who had…. no thematic tie to the plot whatsoever, who, dear as he is, is literally a side character, is a downgrade to me. inoue? she may not have been a protagonist, but she has tangible thematic ties to the overarching storyline! she may not have moved the plot along, but she had very relevant symbolism and was present in the narrative since day one! the fact that rukia, with all her symbolism and parallels and whose emotional bond with ichigo was a primary driving force of the story, was shuttled off to the side and bundled with a character who had none of that….. i honestly don’t know what to call it if not a downgrade.

(also, i just really hate that she’s not kuchiki anymore. like, this would have been a problem even if ir had gotten married, don’t get me wrong, i’m not a huge fan of kurosaki rukia either. but i just really really hate that she’s not kuchiki. she’s essentially given up kuchiki succession!!!! every time i see ih or rr shippers calling her next in line for the kuchiki house i just seethe because….. because the audacity?! how dare they speak that name smfh) 

[animegenork]

Thoughts on Ivan Chapter 5

And so, here we are. I’m finally doing this.

As a disclaimer: I’m very very very very very very late, and I know that. But I also needed to finish the chapter before having official thoughts on it. (Because that makes sense.)

And now, I can.

I made a Google Doc to write down my reactions each day I played, as I am free 2 play and needed to keep track of this stuff. So here is the entirety of the mess that is my reacting to this chapter. (I’m putting all this under the cut so those who don’t care don’t gotta deal with this.)

TL;DR: Eloise and Ivan both fucked up. Eloise didn’t trust Ivan enough and ended up breaking Ivan’s trust. Now they’re at a bit of a stalemate because valid feeling vs. valid feeling = hella heated argument. [You’ll have to actually read to get the full story behind this.]

There we are. This was about 11 pages in Google Doc form. I had a lot of thoughts about this chapter.

I’m probably going to reference a couple things from this post I did where I dove into Ivan’s head a little bit. If you want to know more, take a read. I, uh... I ended up being really accurate, and I’m still freaked out.

To be clear, I bounced back and forth throughout this chapter on how I felt about Eloise and Ivan’s actions and words. And let me make a defining statement about my stance:

Eloise and Ivan both fucked up.

They did. Don’t try to convince me otherwise.

Eloise

I made a post once wondering why people were mad about Eloise being jealous. Because let’s face it: jealousy exists. I can tell you a story of a coworker of mine whose ex-girlfriend would consistently harangue him about our other coworker simply because she existed in the same room as him. Jealousy is some powerful shit.

Fans of otome games may not like it or want to deal with the past lovers/jealousy trope, but honestly it’s necessary. Romance ain’t a perfect science, and the more obstacles you have to go through to be with the one you love, the better it’ll be. But this post isn’t about that.

I understand Eloise a lot here. She’s met this Constance, who meant the WORLD to Ivan, and she knows how (seemingly) perfect she is. HELL, I WOULD BE INSECURE TOO. Eloise is insecure; she wonders if perhaps she can ever measure up to this past lover that Ivan had. She’s starting to experience feelings she may not quite understand, and that’s perfectly okay.

However, she kinda went about it all wrong.

Okay, sure. If I heard about my crush going and seeing his past lover during the day (risking life and limb to do so), I’d be a little suspicious. Maybe the “stalker” or “obsessed” thought would cross my mind. BUT if I remembered that Ivan was clinging to humanity AND realized that letting someone go who means the world to you is incredibly difficult, I would probably be more rational than Eloise. Honestly, Ivan’s big mistake here is letting Eloise find out about this outings because they poisoned her mind a bit.

Now, she could have asked him, “Okay, but why follow her?” Because that would have made more sense than doing the exact thing she was (mentally) calling him out for. But no. She did the same thing. And she found she was unable to hate this woman who, now remarried, used to completely hold Ivan’s heart.

What really ticks me off is that she did this because she didn’t believe him when he said he doesn’t feel the same way about Constance as he used to. She didn’t trust him enough to take him at his word. I mean, he’s a vampire, so I guess fully trusting him is off the table, even though she was fully admiring his shirtless form like 6 seconds ago (I mean, so was I), but anyway.

In the end, Ivan gets mad (UNDERSTANDABLY), and they argue because Eloise has somehow become a little obsessed with this Constance idea. Do you remember what I said about my coworker? His ex was ALSO obsessed with the idea of someone else in his life. It’s a pretty valid concern, and honestly, considering the way I argue with people, I don’t think Eloise’s freak out during the argument is completely unjustified. When you’re insecure, you are trying your DAMNEDEST to prove that there is merit to your worries.

I really sympathized with Eloise at the end of the chapter. She was convinced she’d ruined whatever it is she has with Ivan and that she should’ve kept her big mouth shut. This is exactly how I feel at the end of really bad arguments.

Poor Eloise. She’s never been in a relationship, right? So of course things would go wrong in the first one. But that doesn’t mean she needs to lose hope!

Ivan

I might get rant-y here. Only because some things people have said have PISSED. ME. OFF. Especially in relation to what I now know. (I’m not about to address the claim that Ivan needs a straitjacket now, but it might come in the future, if my newly-acquired knowledge of the definition of psychopathy has anything to say about it.)

Okay, so. Ivan definitely could have been a little clearer when he explained his relationship with Constance. He certainly could have clarified his exact reasons for going to the Village during the day. But with the bits and pieces I gathered, it was... I don’t know, obvious? When you care for someone as much as Ivan cared for Constance, you’re going to wonder how they’re faring after your sudden disappearance. It’s a thing in fiction where if X Character disappears, they wonder how life back home is going.

That might just be me over analyzing character motivations again. Sorry. (It’s an English/Creative Writing major thing.)

Still, this boy trusted that Eloise would give him space after he dug into this painful wound of his. He trusted that she wouldn’t ask anymore until he was ready to go back to poking it. But instead, she went and investigated on her own. Not only does that speak of her not trusting him, but now, how can he trust her when she did this?

I wanna note that before shit hit the fan (i.e. the argument), Ivan was perfectly content with Eloise visiting him. He was ecstatic that she would come to him so early in the night. When she gave him the plant, he BEAMED! He told her that he didn’t think he deserved to care for something like a plant! HE TOLD HER THAT THE FACT THAT SHE GAVE IT TO HIM MADE IT MORE BEAUTIFUL!

Have I mentioned I was sobbing at this part?

I’m not about to go into the nuances of the Chalice-vampire bond, because not much has been explained about it. However, Eloise did, in fact, say something that was very like Constance (all flower-knowledgeable and such), and the fact that that BRIEF tidbit clued her in to Eloise’s actions is interesting. So, yeah. He gets mad that Eloise went to see Constance in person, because that is, in fact, an invasion of his privacy in many ways. It’s like if I went to see my boyfriend’s ex in person just because he gave me a name. (I don’t have a boyfriend, and I wouldn’t do that. Just by the way.) But before that...

You know what I didn’t see in people’s reactions to Chapter 5? How worried Ivan was about us. He saw that Eloise wasn’t acting like herself. And he asked THREE TIMES (count ‘em in my reactions above, he asked THREE TIMES) if she was okay. The THIRD time, he said, “Did I do something wrong?”

I want someone to explain to me how in the fucking world this clues us in to him not caring about us. But anyway.

This concern, in fact, comes up when Ivan starts yelling at Eloise about being reckless. Because she was. Going too far from Ivan fucks with the Chalice bond, AND she did it during the day (and nearly got burnt real bad), AND there’s a murderer on the loose, AND Vlad could’ve found out. What I think a lot of people looked past was that there was concern behind Ivan’s anger. Anger based on concern is a helluva drug, and Ivan was high on that.

So, Eloise broke Ivan’s trust and endangered herself while doing it. And people are mad at Ivan? Okay. Cool. Good to know.

You know what was really crazy about all of this? A lot of the things Ivan said in this chapter really resonated with the post I linked above. I didn’t actually know Ivan didn’t take change (which had fucked him over in the past) well, but he directly said so. I didn’t actually know for sure that Ivan saw Constance as the embodiment of what he’d lost when he turned vamp, BUT HE ACTUALLY SAID IT (the part labeled, “OH MY GOD. OH. MY. GOD.”). I only vaguely understood that Ivan had a hard time coping with his transformation and feared that he was gonna ruin his relationship with Eloise. And yet! I ended up hitting the nail right on the head! I can’t tell if this means I’m magical or that I’m too good at diving into character’s heads.

The best part is that Ivan is the one to call an end to the shouting match. I’m kinda glad he kissed her, first of all, because there were some logical fallacies and circular arguing going on PLUS all of the emotions both were feeling PLUS the Chalice bond fucking them up a bit, SO it kinda served to tell him, “We gotta stop.” He basically says (and this is a paraphrase), “Okay, you go chill, and I’ll stay here and chill, because we’re both very angry and should probably calm down.” RATIONAL IVAN.

I’m really, REALLY confused why people are bashing him left and right (and I WOULD bring up the straitjacket thing again BUT).

[Side Note: I think at the beginning of Chapter 6, he ended up going out anyway because after an argument like THAT, how do you NOT get stuck in your own head and need to leave?]

Final Thoughts

This could all be bullshit. Even the parts where I directly quote what the English version of this chapter gave me. I could be going in too deep for the sake of defending Ivan. But what the Moonlight Lovers fandom needs to remember is that nobody ever said Ivan’s route was going to be easy. I got my fluff. I got some damn good fluff in this chapter, too. I NEVER expected things to NOT go to shit for the sake of the overarching plot. I expected it. That’s the point of this game, for God’s sake: things go to shit because of [PLOT].

There are two main things I think some people may have forgotten.

1. Eloise is allowed to be jealous. I’m sorry the past-lover-jealousy trope isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but I, personally, find it realistic. Maybe she went about it in the wrong way (although we got some hefty dramarama), but I empathize. I’m hecka insecure; I would be acting very similarly to her.

2. Ivan does, in fact, have a point. He has multiple, actually. I don’t blame him for going further into the “so I would go out to see her-” thing, because how does one properly explain something like that to someone who doesn’t know them that well?!?! Plus, his concern is very clear throughout this chapter, so treating him like he has no emotions/doesn’t give a damn about Eloise is pretty fucking stupid. Perhaps he’s acting rather selfishly most of the time, but do you think Vlad and Bel were entirely selfless 24/7? HELL, I’D BE SELFISH TOO. LOOK HOW FUCKED UP HIS LIFE HAS GOTTEN SINCE HE BECAME A VAMP.

I didn’t really ever plan on doing this post, not until I saw people giving Ivan a lot of shit. Frankly, I’m giving him some shit as well. Considering how close in age Eloise and Ivan are, I’m really not surprised shit hit the fan in this chapter, especially with the decisions both of them made.

But then, I still enjoyed it.

So, yeah. I actually enjoyed this chapter. I was tossed back and forth between empathizing with Eloise and Ivan so much that my conclusion - that both of them had a point and both of them had valid feelings and reactions - was not one I thought I’d make when I went in.

And if anybody else actually happened to find merit in this chapter, don’t be afraid to say so. Hell, you can DM me and tell me EXACTLY why you found merit with it. I don’t mind.

Final Final Thoughts

This is a stupid random thought, but. When did Eloise and Ivan become parts of my psyche incarnate??? Like I empathized with them WAYYYYYY too much. Was this chapter written specifically for me? For a real person who’s felt many of these things before?

Beemoov, did you specifically write Ivan’s route for me? As flattered as I am, this is kinda weird. I didn’t expect to see myself so much in the MC of this game, but here we are.

I’m just bullshitting please no one roast me for having a huge ego it’s just that the coincidence was too uncanny

[imuybemovoko]

I die inside while dissecting Jesus music, part 3

Yep. Doing this shit again. It might take me a hot minute to write this one up, but I’ll get it done sooner or later. 

This one gets a bit more fucky than usual, so here’s a few (US) suicide hotline numbers and a rather serious trigger warning. If you’re going to have a hard time with religious trauma, weird indirect forms of suicidality, and that kind of thing, go read something more wholesome. Practice self care better than I do. For the love of all you hold holy, my thoughts are less important than your well-being. Do not read this if it’ll hurt you to do so.

National suicide prevention lifeline:  1-800-273-8255 Trevor Project lifeline: 1-866-488-7386 The Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741-741 Trans Lifeline:  1-877-565-8860

I’ve looked through my playlist trying to find a song that I don’t remember as being repetitive as fuck. There are artists out there who don’t make their shit sad and modular for church camps and I was at least somewhat into their stuff. There are also older hymns. The playlist is mostly full of that weird shitty contemporary Christian music, but somewhere nestled in between stacks of almost painfully similar songs from Hillsong (they’re not all samey, but they get pretty repetitive) is Audrey Assad’s Even Unto Death. 

At first glance, listening back, it seems to have some of the same formatting elements as the shitty modern-styled songs I’ve gotten tired of, but it gives me a very different vibe for a few reasons. First, Assad’s general body of work as I can find it on Youtube (and is also stored in my playlist) is largely older hymns, and that’s her general style. This song is, as far as I can tell, an original work, but its instrumental and melodic style is heavily influenced by the vibe that older hymns give off. Second, the bridge is more varied and interesting than that of Even So Come or Gracefully Broken. The song does, in the final bridge and in the choruses, engage in some repetition, but at a level that I find far closer to what’s typical in secular music. Third, the melody reminds me somewhat of old hymns in a way I don’t know exactly how to describe. I just imagine it with piano and SATB choir. Most modern Christian music just doesn’t land like that. But for the trauma, I’d say analyzing this song might end up being a breath of fresh air. 

But for the trauma...

Anyway. Here are the lyrics, and here is the video again. 

The song is formatted in a way that’s nearly typical of a pop song. You have a verse (in this case composed of “Jesus”, two lines of bullshit, “Jesus” again, and two more lines of bullshit), a three line chorus repeated twice, a second verse (same format), the chorus again but this time with a more personal form of address on the second time through, the bridge (which Genius divides into four distinct sections) with some repetitions of the final lines, the chorus again, and an outro that’s basically just some repetitions of lines in the chorus and then “Jesus” and the first line of bullshit from the first verse, twice. 

So let’s get into this.

First verse:

Jesus The very thought of You It fills my heart with love Jesus You burn like wildfire And I am overcome

Alright. These lines are (clearly) addressed towards Jesus. (Speaking to him directly is a thing people do.) The song has a bit of a mix of a romantic bent and something a... little bit weirder, and both are starting to become visible in this first verse. The first couplet is like... straightforward. The singer is very in love with Jesus and even thinking of him makes her feel things. She’s not quite doing a John Donne here, I don’t think, but this is a pretty strong thing and this is part of why I say there’s a romantic bent to this. The second stanza contains that “fire” imagery that’s often associated with the Christian god, most often the Holy Spirit, that serves the purpose of showing how believers’ whole beings should be consumed by God. Then she says “I am overcome”. This reads to me like one of those “this makes me feel things to a degree I don’t know what to do with” kind of things, but there’s an element of what I’ll describe as a conquest narrative here. ...Again, not quite doing a John Donne, but not not doing it either. 

Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend; That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new. 

Next comes the chorus, and I think it bears mention now rather than somewhere strange like I’d normally do it because this verse flows right into it. 

Lover of my soul Even unto death With my every breath I will love You

It plays through this twice. 

Gives me the same kind of vibe as Job 13:15 here.  “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.” The difference here is Assad’s song mentions love, which I guess goes beyond trust. So it’s even a bit crazier, and the “with my every breath” thing is the absolute kicker. This means she’s wanting to do literally everything, literally everything, in a way that expresses her love for Jesus. Extreme sentiments like this aren’t uncommon in song, sure, but given that we’re discussing Christianity... 

it’s not just hyperbole, they actually think this way and it’s very fucking toxic.

Also the chorus is the main reason I say this has a romantic bent. “Lover of my soul” is a fucking juicy lyric. 

Jesus You are my only hope And You, my prize shall be Jesus You are my glory now And in eternity

I think this second verse is mostly straightforward too. Literally just “Jesus is the entire source of my hope and I see him as a prize for whatever I’m doing” and “Jesus is my glory now and forever”. Glory here refers to like... honor and magnificence. In Christian parlance it refers to the condition that believers will be in after the world is overthrown by Jesus and me and all my fellow non-believing sexual deviants get hyucked straight into the eternal fire. It’s just like... shorthand for being “cleansed of sin” or whatever and living with God for eternity. I don’t know what circles Assad is active in; she might have a different take on this than I’m inclined to, but honestly given my understanding of this concept that’s primarily fueled by Protestant views and especially Evangelicalism, I’m inclined to read this as an empty threat.

Oof.

Onto the bridge. 

I notice now that the bridge has essentially two main sections. Genius says four; that’s a weird choice to me because each section they label is not doing a separate thing, but the two I see, based more on the repetition of the last two lines of each stanza and the similarity of the sentiment in the first half of each, very much are.The first chunk of it goes like this:

In my darkest hour In humiliation I will wait for You I am not forsaken

The idea here is that even in the darkest hour of their life or humiliating moments, the singer is trusting in God to get them through it and like... idk, remedy their humiliation or make it worthwhile somehow? This serves as a reminder that God hasn’t left even if it looks like he might’ve. 

Genius does a bit of a fucky-wucky here in the second section. They replace “though” with “oh”. I’m not sure how they could’ve messed this up, the video they link is literally the same lyric video that I linked, produced by Assad’s literal official artist channel, and the video shows this section the way I do below.

Though I lose my life Though my breath be taken I will wait for You I am not forsaken

This second chunk is more of the same “even if this destroys me I’ll trust you God”. Job 13:15 again, basically. Again, not hyperbole, they actually aspire to this. It’s not healthy at all. This first half of the bridge is basically just “haha I’m devoted to this relationship to the point of self-betrayal and inaction.” 

Oof.

Second half:

One thing I desire To see You in Your beauty You are my delight Yeah, You are my glory

So this third section is basically just inserting verse 2 into the bridge in slightly different words, but the role it plays here, juxtaposed so much more directly with the extreme, self-betraying devotion expressed in the first half of the bridge, is more as a declaration that Jesus is the only thing that truly matters to the singer. Like the entire vibe here is “this life doesn’t even matter to me, yeet this body and idgaf, just let me go see Jesus.” I think I mentioned in a previous post, I think another one of these depression-spiking jesus song dissections,  that this kind of mindset leads to what I’ll describe as a soft form of suicidality in which someone desires death by way of yelling at people for Jesus in places where that’s dangerous to do. If the singer’s only real desire is to see Jesus, then they’re very much at risk for this. Which prompts the question...

Is Audrey Assad okay?

You my sacrifice Oh, Your love is all consuming You are my delight Yeah, You are my glory Yeah, oh You are my glory God, yeah You are my glory Yeah

So aside from the “sacrifice” line here, which I’ll get to, this whole thing is more of the same. All-consuming love, Jesus is her delight, blah blah. The sacrifice thing refers to the crucifixion and to the framework Christianity posits by which blood needs to be spilled so that God can decide not to fucking yeet someone into an unending fire hole and that Jesus came to be the final perfect sacrifice so that no one needs to stab a goat or whatever the fuck again. 

After this there’s the chorus and the outro that’s basically just the end of the chorus and then the first two lines repeated a bit, you know, just as this last little reminder that dying is ok if it’s for Jesus. 

Which I guess is the overarching message of this song too. Dying is fun if it’s for Jesus, kids! Also let’s definitely not do a John Donne! 

I feel like I reference that poem a lot. But it goddamn fits. Like terrifyingly well. I think the reason I latched onto that poem so hard when I learned about it in my literature survey course last fall is because, minus the borderline sexual nature of Donne’s thoughts here, it maps onto my own experience very goddamn hard. I went far enough into Assad’s self-betraying devotion to God for a while there that I fantasized about dying for Jesus in a country where that’s likely. Suicide by martyrdom, if you will. 

On that note, here are the hotlines again.

National suicide prevention lifeline:  1-800-273-8255 Trevor Project lifeline: 1-866-488-7386 The Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741-741 Trans Lifeline:  1-877-565-8860

If you read this far, I guess thanks for being interested in my thoughts, and I really hope this didn’t trigger anything too serious. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I should probably go talk to my therapist about this.

[starlightshoals]

Black Atlass - Dream Awake [Album Review]

So lemme preface this by saying I wasn’t sure I wanted to review this album, for a couple reasons. First, I didn’t like it that much on my first listen, and second, I know it won’t get the kind of notes that I got from reviewing After Hours. But after listening again, I’ve decided I don’t care about any of that and I’m gonna do what I wanna do. To be clear, I still think this album isn’t as good as Pain & Pleasure (his previous record), but to be fair not many albums have blown me away from the outset like that one did. Okay, enough of that~

1 - Never Enough: This song reminds me of so many nights I’ve lived through. Nights where I’ve just sat and stared at nothing hoping someone would message me, hoping they’d save me from the loneliness of my own mind and the danger of my own thoughts. Like the song says, nothing’s ever enough to feel whole. You can fake a smile in the daytime, but darkness casts a light on how you really are inside. Favorite Lyric: “Nothing else can break me like your touch...all I need is your touch, somehow it’s never enough...” 10/10, Outstanding  

2 - Do For Love: This is the most optimistic track on the album. It’s quite literally about the “things we do for love,” and in a way it ties the whole record together thematically. When you’re in love and you feel loved in return, it’s so much easier to live your life without fear. When you don’t have that, when you’re missing it, life becomes so much more difficult. Considering how much sadder this album gets before it’s over, placing this song so early almost feels like it’s making an awfully cruel point. Favorite Lyric: “Wanna fall inside you, as far as it takes me, for a little love...” 9/10, Excellent

3 - Night After Night: This one’s about trying to “make you love me again.” It runs at a persistent beat and pace, reflecting the attempt to win someone over for a second time. My favorite part is the intro with its raspy futuristic notes that pop up periodically throughout the rest of the track. Favorite Lyric: “You speedin’ past all our exes, I don’t wanna end up like them.” 8/10, Good

4 - Sin City: The high life and hedonism. Taking all you can get, no care for the consequences. Personally I’m not a huge fan of this one because it’s not what I’m here for, but it’s definitely a nod to the overarching themes of the XO record label that the Weeknd founded and trailblazed. But I like Abel with this subject matter a lot more than I like Alex with it. Favorite Lyric: “Touched down, I’ve come to collect, I just can’t settle for less...” 7.5/10, Pretty Good

5 - Lie to Me: Ahhh, that washed-out guitar. This song is about being so deep in love with someone that it fucks you up in the head, and lord do I know what that’s like. You obsess and overthink and wonder what’s real, your feelings, their feelings, whether you’re as good as what they had, whether you even wanna know. In the end you almost just want to be lied to. Favorite Lyric: “Are you insane? Are you a lie? Can you be mine? Can we rewind? I fucked this up...” 9.5/10, Amazing

6 - By My Side (ft. Sonia): This song is about two damaged people who happen to meet and realize how much they need to be in each other’s lives. Alex and Sonia’s voices play off each other well, which is great for what the song’s trying to convey. What’s interesting is that despite using the words “always” and “forever,” there’s also the subtle suggestion that they both expect the relationship won’t last (”heaven can wait till we see the other side”) and it’s only a bridge to where they need to be. Musically it’s very melancholy too, full of yearning. Favorite Lyric: “I wasn’t looking for forever, but I think I found my future in your eyes.” 8.5/10, Great 

7 - Show Me: This one’s about someone who’s had their heart broken before, but very much wants to believe in the new person they’re into. They want that person to show them they’re serious, to prove this relationship is right for both of them. They’re done with having their time wasted, they just want something real. Musically, the most interesting thing about this track is the beat getting heavier and more insistent as it goes on, as Alex repeats the same question over and over more intently - “won’t you show me?” Favorite Lyric: “I used to get so high off of love, now I’m so scared of the distance.” 7/10, Decent 

8 - On Your Mind: A track that’s much more about the music than the words. The lyrics are a stream-of-consciousness about paranoia towards a lover, fearing they don’t feel as strongly. I love all the little details in the production, it somehow manages to be haphazard and focused at the same time, much like a paranoid person’s thoughts. It has a very unsettled, restless vibe that speaks to me as someone who’s struggled with late-night anxiety a lot, especially when thinking about love. Favorite Lyric: “I wanna know, when love’s behind your eyes, is it me that’s on your mind?” 9/10, Excellent

9 - Weak: Infatuation is the word that comes to mind. I love how lowkey this song is, it reminds me of closing your eyes, laying back in the bath and letting your head slip underwater. Once again, production is the star here, bits and pieces you could miss if you blink. It’s a song you can get immersed in, and that’s some classic Black Atlass shit right there. Favorite Lyric: “We could be the perfect storm.” 9/10, Excellent

10 - Drip: God, I love the haunting out-of-focus guitar that props this track up. It feels like a brief moment set to music, a quiet feeling echoing softly through the mind. There’s something so numb and hypnotic about it. It’s not trying to capture sadness, just the whisper of a feeling that you don’t dare to speak aloud. Favorite Lyric: “When it gets like this, I can’t help wanting all the things we say we’ll never do...” 9.5/10, Amazing

11 - Lavender: An instrumental interlude with stormy noises in the background and a rainy piano in the foreground. I like it. 8/10, Good

12 - Close Your Eyes: This song’s about being away from the one you love, missing them terribly, and praying they’ll still be there when you make it back. The little piano flourishes here and there really make the song for me. It’s moody and vulnerable and fitting to end on. It reminds me of driving through the rain at three in the morning, no one but you on the road. You just want to get where you’re going. You just want to be back in their arms. Favorite Lyric:  “Can you promise I’ll stay in your mind?” 9.5/10, Amazing

Final Rating for the Album: 8.7/10, Great

[toxikbubblegum]

May Reading Wrap Up

I'm actually really proud of myself. I finished 13 books last month. Spent a lot of extra time away from screens and focusing on my mental health so I burned through way more than I normally would. So anyways, here's my reviews. - Also please understand that these are just my opinions and if I shit on your favorite book I'm sorry that I didn't enjoy it as much as you. Also, also Im terrible with character names.

Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor ⭐⭐⭐

I actually started this book at the end of April but didn't finish it til May 1st so whatever, here it is. This books is a YA urban fantasy novel about a girl with a double life. She spends half her days studying art in Europe and the other half running errands for a tooth collecting wish monger. I don't want to say a whole lot more because I dont want to spoil anything important about the plot. So, I'll try to be vague. Let me start by saying this story is amazing. I loved the writing and the world. I rated it so low solely because I can't stand the two main characters and it really dragged down what would have otherwise been an amazing novel. So yeah, great book but its a preference thing. Also took points off for the insta-love but not really insta-love shit. Idk. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this read even a month later. Gonna read the second to see if maybe my hatred of the two mains was just a fluke.

3/5 Stars

Spellbound by Rachel Hawkins

⭐⭐⭐

This is the third book in the Hex Hall trilogy. Not much to say about it. It was a meh ending to an overall pretty good series. 3/5 stars. Moving on.

The Wicked Deep by Shea Ernshaw

⭐⭐⭐

Realizing now how many of my reads this month were pretty middle of the world. Hopefully next month will be filled with 4 and 5 stars. Anyways, this book was honestly a struggle for me to finish and Im not sure why. It's a YA mystery magical realism story about a tiny coastal town that is cursed by the spirits of 3 sisters who were suspected of witchcraft and drowned 2 centuries prior. Because of this, every year the sisters return from the sea to take the lives of teenage boys by luring them to the sea. We follow the life of kind of meh and standard YA girl #1. She meets a strange non tourist boy and hires him to work in the lighthouse her family owns. Her dad randomly disappeared years ago and her mom is a loon. So yeah... I dont know. I kind of felt like this story was hot garbage in places. I usually dont have any trouble with the suspense of disbelief in magical realism stories but this one just had too many plot holes. Like, I get morbid stuff becomes tourist attractions but why wouldn't someone have stepped in and evacuated the town if at least 3 teenage boys die there EVERY SINGLE YEAR without fail? I honestly feel like the FBI or some other government agency would have cleared the place out after the first 20 or so deaths. There was also the whole MC can see the ghosts of the girls possessing people but chooses not to tell anyone? Like, I get it. You dont want people to label you a freak or think you're crazy but come the fuck on. You live in a tourist trap where people flock to watch local teenage males wash up on shore and you really think the authorities arent going to take you up on the help? It wasn't an awful book by any means. It was well written and extremely descriptive. Just had major beef with some of the details. Anyways, I wont say much more so I don't spoil the whole book.

3/5 Stars

An Enchantment of Ravens by Maragret Rogerson

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Finally, I get to talk about one of my favorite reads of the month. I love anything to do with the Fae in my YAfiction and this was literally everything I wanted in a Fae novel. It takes place in a town called Whimsy, a humanish town in the world of Faerie. The fae cannot do any Craft, or what we would consider craftsmanship. Art and humans who can do it well are very precious in this world because the Fae can't ever do it themselves. We follow the adventures of a girl who has been commisioned to paint the portrait of the Autumn King and the chaos that ensues. Let me just start by saying this is one of those insta-love situations where I feel like it's genuinely ok. I might be making excuses because I loved the title so much but whatever. It's explained and I accept it. Also, I realize that Gadfly had a lovely description but my brain willl not let me picture him as anything but Mr.Waternoose from Monsters Inc.

5/5 Stars

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

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This book started out so good and went downhill very quickly. It follows the story of these two magicians who were fated by their Master's to one day fight to the death. There were so many things I loved about this book only for the last 100 pages to just take a firey dump on my face. I loved the setting and the majority of the characters. The supporting characters were so deep and interesting that I almost cared more about them than I did Ceilia and Marko (Im proabably wrong and I dont feel like googling but I think that was his name) . I don't know. I don't want to complain about anymore meh books.

3/5 Stars

Matched by Allie Condie

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Went into this book expecting to hate it. I usually don't like contemporary love stories but this had major City of Ember meets The Giver vibes and it just appealed to that 14 year old girl in me again. That seems to happen with a lot of dystopian utopia stories. Anyways, story is about a girl who lives in this town where when you hit a certain age you are brought to a place and told who the government has chosen for you to marry. She is matched with her life long best friend and all is well. Except that her little Get To Know Your New Husband microship thing showed her two guys instead of just one. And lots of bullshit ensues. I honestly think I rated this so high because I enjoy the world and not so much whats actually happening to the kids. Like, I loved the idea that art is harmful so the government chose 100 acceptable pieces and thats all these people know. I loved the brutality of the government in general. I can't say much more without spoiling some of the twists but geez did it have me hooked. I'm going to be started the second one soonish, though my TBR for June has gotten intense so we will see.

4/5 stars

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

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I cannot say enough good things about this book. It is so fucking good! Not going to rant about it or anything because y'all just need to go read it immediately.

5/5 stars

Would give it every star in the sky if Im being completely honest.

Reign of the Fallen by Sarah Glenn Marsh

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Got sucked into this book by the cover and honestly that was the best part of this book. Its about this world where necromancy is pretty highly regarded and used to resurrect the royals after they die. The only downside is that if a living person ever lays eyes on the resurrected person's skin then they turn into these horrible monsters. Maybe it's just me but like that absolutely does not seem worth the risk. Plus, in order to bring the person back, these reapers have to go into the death world and bring the spirit back. And it's HELLA DANGEROUS. So like, WHY? Anyways, there is this stupid underlying love story that I absolutely wasn't invested in. This just all around was not a good book.

2/5 stars

Monster High by Lisi Harrison

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Little known fact~ I'm obsessed with Monster High and Ever After High. So yeah, I realize this wasn't targeted to me as an adult but even going into it with an open mind I was disappointed. Granted I didn't read the description of the book prior. I just saw this franchise I love and grabbed it. First, if you are a fan of the mini series and the movies do not read this. It doesnt follow the cinematic canon and I think that was my biggest problem with it. Frankie's character was all wrong and I hated the whole"Normy" cast. Was really excited for these but I definitely won't be continuing the series. I don't even want to torture myself with seeing how they manage to ruin my sweet baby Draculara.

2/5 stars

Unhinged by AG Howard

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I can't say enough good things about this series. This is the second book in the trilogy and it was a fanatstic bridge book. It had me engrossed through the entire audiobook. Morpheus is still everything. If you loved Splintered I would highly reccomend continuing.

5/5 stars

Truthwitch

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Have had this on my TBR for a while because of how many Booktubers have hyped the series. Buy, was I disappointed. I was soooooooooo bored. Maybe it's because I don't really enjoy this type of fantasy or maybe it was just the slower paced story but I just slugged through this book. Both of the main female characters were bland to me and I didn't care about their friendship. The world was cool but not enough to keep me invested. Just wasn't my cup of tea.

2/5 stars

Paranormalcy by Kiersten White

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Picked this up because of how much I loved The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein and it didn't meet my expectations. It follows this girl who works for a paranormal gorvenment group. She has a special ability that makes her really useful to them so they are trying to groom her basically. They capture this changeling and she befriends him and there is an overarching plot that I just didn't get invested in. The friendship between the two main characters was pretty much the only thing that I enjoyed in this title. The mother figure was insufferable and I just didn't really understand the whole org that they worked for in general. Not an awful book but not fantastic.

Solid 3/5 stars.

The Siren by Kiera Cass

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Going to preface this by saying I might be biased. I love Kiera Cass and have enjoyed almost everything she has written. That said, this wasn't nearly as good as The Selection series but it was a pretty good stand alone novel. It about a girl who becomes a siren on her deathbed and spends the next 100 years serving the sea by luring people to their deaths. After doing this for 70 years, she falls in love and pretty much ruins everything. Loved the characters, especially the male lead. The insta love was a little pet peeve of mine but the love interest was so sweet and genuine that I was willing to overlook it. Pretty good read if you dig supernatural romance.

4/5 stars

June holds the Ghibli-a-thon but also lots of holidays for my family so we will see how much I actually get read. So far my tentative TBR is 5 books but we will see where the days take me.