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demetriandelibinaryboyfriends · 4 years ago

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Can you talk about autistic Hawk/Eil

Sure, I’d love to!!!

Credit where credit is due, of course--I got a lot of my Autistic Eli headcanons from @jackonthelongwalk, who’s got a little more authority to speak on the subject since he’s actually autistic and whatnot. I mainly just saw his takes and was like “THOSE ARE GOOD TAKES” and adopted all of them XD Although I DID come up with a few of my own headcanons!!! I’ll just compile everything here.

~Eli tends to be pretty particular about physical touch, and a lot of the time he doesn’t really like it. Over the years, Demetri’s found that one type of touch that Eli’s okay with is shoulder-squeezing, and it kinda becomes their thing. Typically Demetri giving Eli a quick shoulder squeeze helps comfort him and makes him feel safe by basically reassuring him “I’m here for you, I’ve got your back.” You can see Demetri give Eli a shoulder squeeze in 2x09 when he’s comforting him about Moon, and he does the EXACT same one in the school fight in 2x10 just before kicking him into the trophy case. I think it was his way of saying “even though we’re fighting right now, I still care about you” and that kinda helped snap Hawk out of his near-psychopathic rage. In Season 3, he’s still shitty to Demetri, obviously, but it’s more controlled, not as unhinged or feral--even when Hawk breaks his arm, he hesitates a LOT before and regrets it IMMEDIATELY after in a way I’m not sure his UNCHECKED RAEEEGE self would have during the school fight.

~Over the years Demetri develops kind of a sixth sense of when Eli is about to have a meltdown. He’s able to pick up on super minute changes in body language, changes in the way Eli speaks, small alterations in Eli’s general temperament--basically anything that indicates he’s getting overwhelmed. That’s actually how he discovers the shoulder squeeze tactic--Demetri realizes he needs a quick way to comfort and reassure Eli when he can’t go in for a full hug (like they’re in the middle of class or something) so he can calm Eli down a bit and stop him from having a meltdown. Mainly because Demetri knows the bullies will have a field day if Eli cries in front of the other kids, so the shoulder squeeze develops as sort of a way to protect Eli from this.

~At some point after Demetri first started using the shoulder touch/squeeze on Eli, Eli started also using it on Demetri to quickly communicate affection/appreciation. Demetri isn’t nearly as touch-averse or picky with physical touch as Eli, and would’ve been okay with a number of physical touches, but he’s honestly super touched that Eli saw him doing a thing and was like “Oh hey!!! Demetri does this thing to me and it makes me feel safe and loved, so I’m sure it’ll do the same if I do it to him!!!” It kinda becomes their special touch, and becomes somewhat of a silent “I love you” (although obviously these two clueless idiots are led to believe it’s ONLY platonic love for many, many years XD). You can see Eli give a little shoulder pat/squeeze to Demetri at the beach party in 1x09!!

~Eli really does not like being touched around or under the chin, mainly because this is how bullies like Kyler touch him and it’s triggering for him. Demetri basically never touches him here. Even after they get together and start getting intimate, Demetri tends to touch/stroke Eli’s cheeks or the side of his head if he wants to touch his face, but he avoids touching Eli’s chin like the plague because he knows how much Eli dislikes it. This is something Eli really deeply appreciates--even Moon wasn’t able to catch on to the fact that he didn’t like having his chin touched, and he was too obsessed with coming across as “tough” to her to admit that it bothered him. Moon didn’t mean any harm at all, of course, she just wasn’t able to pick up on his more subtle indications that he wasn’t a huge fan of chin touches. Demetri has come to pick these indications up by second nature.

~The whole thing Demetri does at the beginning of the show where he kinda talks “for” Eli (the thing that, ironically, people loooooove to blast him about for being a “terrible friend”) I think is largely done because Eli is autistic. Eli seems to have a lot of social anxiety right from the get-go--he doesn’t even verbally greet Miguel when he first sits with him and Demetri and Demetri introduces Eli. Eli just kinda awkwardly smiles and nods at him. He’s obviously not great with social cues either, which we see later on--he’s so PAINFULLY oblivious to the fact that Piper is super not at all into it when he tries to hit on her in Season 2. I imagine after a number of social blunders in their youth, and seeing just how uncomfortable and anxious social situations made Eli, Demetri took the reigns and did a lot of communicating FOR Eli to take some of the pressure off of him to talk. I’d argue that once Demetri is taken out of the picture, we can see in full force JUST how socially anxious and uncomfortable Eli really is--he seems damn near terrified trying to stand up for himself against Johnny when Demetri’s not there. He’s lowkey stuttering and tripping over his words, his voice is shaking. He nearly leaves the room in tears. He’s used to letting Demetri be his voice, and this seems to be what makes him feel safest and most secure. When this is taken away, he has to find a new way to protect himself--hence, possibly, the entire Hawk persona.

~Eli has a lot of issues with emotional regulation and often feels emotions really, really strongly and gets overwhelmed by them--as an ADHDer, this is a struggle I understand SO MUCH. When Eli gets really overwhelmed with strong emotion, he tends to have meltdowns. These can be either sadness-based meltdowns (like we see in the flashback) or angry meltdowns (like we see when he beats Brucks up). Due to his emotional regulation issues, Eli has a really hard time hiding his emotions or stopping a meltdown once it kinda onsets--this is why he tends to “bawl” at movies. Once he starts crying, he can’t really stop, or reign it in--it just keeps coming. He also can’t really hold it back--his emotions tend to force their way out, whether he wants them to or not. This is also why he goes so HARD when he’s angry--wailing on Brucks, throwing punch after punch at Demetri at the school fight, getting carried away and attacking Robby’s injured shoulder at the tournament. His anger (and other emotions) tends to just kinda explode out, and he has a really hard time reigning them back in and keeping them in check. Demetri, ever the voice of ration and reason, can help with this--and probably has a lot, historically. With Demetri less and less in the picture and their relationship on the rocks, Eli’s emotions just seem to get even more wild and uncontrolled, particularly his anger. Part of the reason I think Demetri and Eli work so well together--Eli tends to get very caught up in his emotions (no shame in that--I’ll admit I do too!), and needs someone to help him keep his feet on the ground and be the pragmatist who helps him keep things in perspective.

~Karate is most definitely a special interest for him. It lowkey takes over his life and he makes it damn near his entire identity--big special interest energy. And Demetri (at first, at least) is lowkey so supportive!!! Like he goes to the all-valley tournament to support and cheer Eli on, despite not having any personal interest in fighting and seeming to think the whole thing is the kind of dumb macho shit that goes against everything his nerd identity stands for XD But he goes to the tournament anyways to clap for his boyfriend best friend’s badassery!!! The real MVP!!! Also special interests in general (not unlike ADHD hyperfixations) tend to be very random, hence why seemingly out of nowhere Eli gets absolutely OBSESSED with karate.

~Just a random little headcanon I have (I think I mentioned it on one of my general headcanon posts), but I like to think after Eli adopts the whole “Hawk” persona, he gets a special interest in birds of prey in general for a little while. Like back before he’s too “tough” for anything even remotely related to “nerd shit,” he watches nature documentaries on raptors and the whole 9 yards and constantly rambles excitedly to Demetri about how badass he thinks they are, and how cool it is that they can “literally hunt mice from the sky and shit” (probably an exact quote from him). Demetri finds this sudden new obsession both amusing and kind of endearing--but as always, he shows an interest in it and accommodates it as best he can. I imagine he’s seen Eli go through a number of special interests over the years, and is a pro by now on how to handle them (my own childhood best friend is a fellow ADHDer, and he was CONSTANTLY getting new hyperfixations--I imagine it was something like that XD).

~The whole “Hawk” persona in general seems pretty autistic, speaking of that--like it’s almost entirely based in mimicry and masking. Like Hawk pretty frequently mimics Johnny’s expressions, body language, and speech patterns, and (at least at first) Miguel’s fighting style. He also starts to mimic a lot of Kreese’s problematic views and general “never accept defeat” attitude in late Season 2 and Season 3, setting his good old Bastardization Arc in full swing. The whole Hawk thing could easily be masking, especially given how exaggerated and overdramatic Eli’s facial expressions, voice, and actions tend to be when he’s trying to be Hawk. When he slips back into “Eli” (or how he was before he adopted the mask), it’s usually around Demetri (i.e. the Doctor Who conversation)--which makes sense, since Demetri “gets” Eli better than most people and Eli doesn’t have to mask or overexaggerate his expressions or statements to communicate effectively with Demetri. They’ve known each other so long and Demetri is so familiar with his body language and mannerisms that Demetri is able to pick up fairly easily on what Eli’s trying to communicate/express without Eli having to work too hard at getting his point across. It’s why Eli’s expressions and body language aren’t nearly as exaggerated around Demetri, even when he’s trying to intimidate him--he knows he doesn’t have to overstate what he’s doing to communicate with Demetri.

~Relating back to the social troubles and social anxiety thing, I think Eli has always had trouble communicating verbally, hence why he’s so quiet at first. And even when he does get more talkative, a lot of it is mimicking other people’s speech patterns and ideas (namely Johnny’s at first)--it doesn’t really feel like him talking. Even alone with Demetri, he tends to prefer to let Demetri do the talking, hence Demetri saying Eli’s a “man of few words.” He often prefers to communicate nonverbally through body language, and when he DOES communicate verbally, he does it somewhat sparingly and chooses his words carefully, not usually bothering to say things he doesn’t mean (if he isn’t masking, anyways). THIS is why Demetri was so ready to accept such a short, concise “I’m sorry for all of it” from Eli instead of a long, drawn-out apology for each individual thing he did wrong. Eli knows he doesn’t have to bother masking to communicate with Demetri, so he’s not going to bother saying something that isn’t genuine. Eli has never been the greatest at articulating his thoughts verbally either, so TRYING to apologize for each individual thing he did to Demetri would be extremely hard for him, and Demetri knows this. This is why he accepts Eli’s apology without question and doesn’t expect him to elaborate on it. He knows Eli’s communicating a lot more than he’s actually saying aloud, if that makes any sense, and he cares more about the entirety of what Eli’s trying to say rather than just the spoken part. And Eli definitely communicates he’s genuinely remorseful through his actions as well--saving Demetri from the Cobras, teaming up with Demetri afterwards to help Deme’s side win the fight, straight up openly BETRAYING Kreese and Cobra Kai AT GREAT PERSONAL RISK TO HIMSELF (especially if Tory’s threat is anything to go by!!!) in order to go back to Demetri. Honestly, given everything he knows about Eli and how he operates, expresses himself, and communicates, I highly doubt Demetri expects at all for Eli to go on a long, detailed rant about how sorry he is and is honestly just grateful to have Eli back in his life.

~I think at the beginning of the show, Demetri puts a lot of work into helping Eli feel as safe and secure as possible--possibly in part because Eli’s autism makes him feel kinda isolated as a “freak” or “outcast” or what have you. Demetri makes an effort to crack jokes and make Eli laugh when no one else will, possibly to help Eli feel more relaxed and at ease. And Demetri’s reluctance to try out karate could be a kind of misguided overprotectiveness on his part--he’s spent a lot of time building up their own little world for them where he can keep Eli relatively comfortable, and he’s worried anything that interferes with that or shakes up the status quo is going to stress out or overwhelm Eli too much. Demetri wants to keep things as they are, because even if it’s not perfect, and they still get bullied on the regular, at least he KNOWS how best to help Eli and help him feel better (or at least he thinks he does) in their current situation (i.e. “I think we’d rather spend our afternoons playing Crucible Control than getting hit in the face”). If they were put into a drastically different new situation, he WOULDN’T know how he should best assist and support Eli with it, and that scares him a lot--because he’s ALWAYS kind of intuitively known how to help Eli, and the thought of anything changing that makes him terrified that without him, Eli is going to get really hurt somehow.

I think that just about covers everything--might add more stuff if I think of it! Definitely go check out @jackonthelongwalk’s blog for more quality, in-depth autistic Eli content!!!

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vsrobotjulie · 5 years ago

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“To get out of here is to promise me a kiss”

So basically

I've been hyperfixating HARD on Honey I’m Home again, and at 3AM I impulsively decided to write a fanfic about how I interpret the end of the song. I’m not a writer whatsoever, I probably write short stories once or twice a year. If you have any feedback feel free to let me know but please be respectful!!

As it’s based on Honey I’m Home the same trigger warnings that apply to the song apply here. There's some religious themes as well as death/su*cide.

I also cross-posted this on Amino so don’t worry if you see this posted elsewhere!!

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"Wait for me here, Norman." "Yes, God." He told the creature. It walked away from him slowly, and as it moved out of sight, Norman took a deep breath. He knew it was stupid blindly following this thing, but he didn't have much of a choice. He didn't even know if this thing was the "God" it claimed to be. "Norman, was it?" a voice asked. Norman gasped, frantically looking around for the source of the voice. He felt a hand on his back and he tensed up. "What do you want from me?" "Don't be afraid. I'm called Charon." Norman slowly turned his head towards the voice. The figure had far too many eyes and limbs to be human, but at this point that wasn't too surprising. Hardly anyone up here seemed to be human. "Well," Charon said, breaking the silence. "Norman. That's your name, is it not?" Norman nodded. "Wonderful. I've been looking for you." "Looking for me? Why were you looking for me?" "You're not happy here, are you Norman?" The question caught him off guard, what did that have to do with anything? Norman was too stunned to respond, and he ended up just blinking at the spider-like creature. "Answer me." Charon demanded. "I mean.. I don't see how someone could be happy here." Instinctively, Norman began looping his necklace around his fingers, lacing it tightly until he couldn't feel the tips of his fingers anymore. It was an old habit from when he was a child, but it tended to help in awkward situations like this. Charon cocked his head. "So you aren't happy?" Norman shrugged. "No, I guess not." The spider smiled. "I have an offer for you. A way to escape." He looked up. An escape. That was.. tempting. Charon continued. "All you have to do is kiss me." Norman looked towards the ground. "What's the catch?" Charon pulled back, that wasn't quite the answer he was looking for. "Ah..." he started, "You're a clever one, aren't you? Very well, I suppose you have a right to know." He licked his lips and pointed at them. Norman could see a hint of liquid coated on the spiders mouth. "See this?" Charon asked, a little too cheerful. "It's poison." Norman felt his face turn white. "Poison? You're trying to poison me?" The spider smiled and shook his head. "Oh, no. Not at all. It won't kill you. At least, it won't kill you any more than you’ve already been." The man took a breath. "So if it won't kill me, what will happen? Is it a drug of some kind?" Charon laughed. "Of course not. It will merely take you... somewhere else. Another world, if you will. Another afterlife." Norman stepped back, trying to process what was happening. Despite his claims, it did sound like Charon was trying to kill him. But... he also seemed genuine, like he wanted to help. They both tensed up at the sound of footsteps in the distance. "Hurry," Charon whispered. "God can't see us speaking. You need to make a decision." All the possibilities ran through Norman's mind at once. Charon could be lying, he might just want to kill him. But what if he wasn't? What if there really was another afterlife? One that was better than this prison. "Norman?" Charon looked concerned as the footsteps got louder. "Norman, I need an ans-" Without giving him a chance to finish, Norman frantically pressed his lips against the spiders, the life being ripped from him as the bitter poison slipped into his mouth. He gasped for air but it was to no avail. Norman's world went dark as his body gave out and he fell to the ground. Charon gave a sad smile as he scooped up the lifeless body, running one of his hands through the boy's hair. He whispered apologies under his breath as God's footsteps approached. "Well?" It said. God's voice was loud and forceful and made Charon wince. The spider turned towards God and showed him the body. "I did as you asked, my Lord."

#honey i'm home #honey im home ghost #ghost and pals #norman minecraft #charon honey im home #vocaloid #industrial catholic bugcore #honey im home by ghost

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rubberduckyrye · 6 years ago

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You don’t really seem to talk about Angie even though she probably lies just as much as Kokichi, albeit with a different approach. Why is that?

No offense anon, but this sounds like a loaded question xD Id why, maybe it’s cause I’m still tired? Anyway--

There are several reasons why I don’t talk about Angie.

One: This blog is a Kokichi blog. Celest insisted I write this, and it’s kind of true. I started this blog as a place where I can ramble about Kokichi, it even says as such in my description. MY URL is a reference to Kokichi, my Icon is Kokichi, it’s all Kokichi, I am just Kokichi. Nee-heehee!

(I’m joking, but people have joked that I’m literally Kokichi before dnsajkdna)

(I even have this snickering/laugh that sounds like Kokichi’s “nee-heehee” I’m not joking, I’ve had this laugh for years)

Anyway, this leads me into point two: Kokichi is my current hyperfixation. People with ADHD have this mental phenomenon called “Hyperfixate” which means people with ADHD get... Hmm, very very very into that One Thing. They often end up thinking about That One Thing a lot and it’s a symptom of ADHD that can be tiresome to manage and tiresome to listen to, even for other ADHDers... unless they’re both fixated on the same One Thing then they will talk about that One Thing for hours. Literal hours. Nonstop.

If you’ve ever talked to someone with ADHD, you’ll see what I mean. You bring up their hyperfixation, and you’ll see the switch turn “on” in their faces as the infodump literally everything there is to know about their fixation. We ADHDers get very excited over our fixations. It’s like, showing a puppy their favorite treat.

And before you ask, no, I don’t think we can control out fixations. So I can’t shift my fixation to something else at will. If I have a shift in fixations (you’ve seen it before probably, when I get fixated for a day or so on my interpretation of Chara from Undertale, I know that it’s happened before) it’s pretty unwilling. I can try to trigger certain fixations with music (I.E. listening to a song that I associate with Chara will make me think about her and possibly trigger a spell of fixation) but I can’t control what my brain latches on to, and it currently has not latched on to Angie.

Point three: I don’t get people asking about her. Most people come to me for Kokichi because of the aforementioned reasons. Because of my fixation, I’ve done a ton of character studying on Kokichi, and because of that, people are drawn in to my interpretations and opinions on the character and want to know more about my thoughts on him. Angie never comes up in asks I get, and that’s because people aren’t as interested in her as they are in asking about my interpretation of Kokichi.

Point four: This one is touchy, because of the subject, but I’m a little afraid of getting into her backstory and characterization because of the racist undertones in her writing. I’d have to do a lot of research on her culture before I could even get into her characterization, unless I’m going to scrap her entire backstory in one fell swoop by implying that she was lying about everything to mess with Shuichi. Which just feels kind of cheaty. So to do proper analysis on Angie, I’d have to make sure I’m not stepping on any toes on the subject of racism and the racism in her character’s writing.

A lot of people think that the racist writing comes from the English translation using “Atua” but honestly? If the English translation didn’t just 100% change Angie’s FTEs or something like that, her writing is still racist towards pacific islanders and indigenous people even without the word “Atua” being used to refer to god. There’s a lot wrong with the writing and the racism in Angie’s writing, and it all stems from Kodaka not doing his god damn research, so I’ll have to do that in his place and pretty much rewrite Angie’s entire character.

At that point, Angie would be less of the canon interpretation and more of a pacific islander OC, so there’s also that to consider.

Anyway, I hope that answers your question well enough!

#racism mention tw #Anonymous

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dispetal · 5 years ago

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every even number :^)

Boy oh boy – here we go! Under cut, ‘cause it gets LONG.

PHYSICAL PRESENCE AND GESTURE.2. How much physical space do they use, active and at rest?

Oh, Ruby usually uses all the space around her. She’s very sporadic and will use up all the space around her because it’s hard for her to stand still (it’s the good good ADHD). At rest she’ll still tend to use up her space in small ways, she has to constantly be moving and doing things with her hands.

4. What is their size and build? How does it influence how they use their body, if it does?

She’s relatively small - 5′2″ - and I headcanon her as a little rounder than the series portrays her as? Like, she’s toned but still has chubby cheeks and chubby upper arms and a little bit of tummy. She’s round. Because she’s not nearly as good at hand to hand combat as, say, Yang, she’s a little softer and a little more weak, especially in her core. ( She’s not entirely dependent on her weapon, but she’s mostly dependent on it! )

6. What are they like in motion–in different environments, and in different activities? What causes the differences between these?

Fast. She’s speedy quick, like, all the time. As mentioned earlier, she has to be moving constantly or doing something to keep her mind stimulated. The only times she really isn’t moving a lot is when she’s over exerted herself, so say, after battles and stuff.

8. Where and when do they seem most and least at ease? Why? How can you tell?

Ooh! This is easy! This comes in two parts. For one: she’s most at ease around the people she loves, normally when relaxing. Like, if she’s playing video games with Yang and Qrow, or if she’s hanging out with RNJR or RWBY just chilling. Alternatively, she’s most at ease when she knows she’s got a battle or fight. When she’s fighting, she’s in her element. Oddly enough, she’s also least at ease when she’s fighting a fight she doesn’t know how to win – or if she’s doing something she doesn’t know how to do. She’s not exactly comfortable in social situations, especially ones that have a lot of sarcasm.

10. What energizes and drains them most?

Motivation and lack of motivation. That good ol Hyperfixation™ feeling. She grapples with executive dysfunction quite often when it’s something she doesn’t particularly care about. ( Classes at Beacon were particularly hard because of this, it wasn’t that she didn’t want to learn, it’s that sometimes her brain wouldn’t let her learn ).

12. How are they bodily expressive? How do they use nonverbal cues such as their posture, stance, eyes, eyebrows, mouths, and hands?

As mentioned before, she’s Everywhere. Her hands are always fiddling with something or playing with the hem of her “combat skirt” and she’s also prone to looking around. Her mind wonders so it takes her a while to really focus in unless it’s something she’s hyperfixated on.

DISPOSITION AND TEMPERAMENT.14. What do they care deeply about? What kind of loyalties, commitments, moral codes, life philosophies, passions, callings, or spirituality and faith do they have? How do these tend to be expressed?

She has a strong sense of morality and she cares deeply about helping the people who can’t be helped. She’s got an almost romanticized view of being a huntress – at least at the beginning – and would do anything to become one and serve justice in a way she sees fit. She grew up with all of the fairy tales and stories told to her by her family and that imbued a sense of almost childlike wonder in her. She is willing to lend a hand and gives second chances because she believes in the inherent good in people and that it can be accessed even if tedious. That, however, also makes her hard to deal with because she’s stubborn. She’s optimistic ( read more about that here ) but that also goes to her detriment as well. As far as passions and callings go, easily – EASILY her biggest passion / calling is being a huntress. Spirituality works a bit different for her, the beliefs that she holds are more in people than incorporeal beings. In this, though, her love of fairy tales can also be considered a belief of some kind or a spirituality / faith at its core. The fairy tales and legends she grew up on had become a sort of faith to her. She revered the heroes in the stories and wanted to lead by their example – ergo, a following.

16. Do they dream? What are those dreams like?

She does dream, but the dreams vary. Lately she’s had more nightmares than real dreams but rarely addresses them, they’re all of her friends dying or the worst possible scenario. When she was a kid she used to have dreams about her mother or her family reuniting or her becoming a huntress as an older girl. Now, her dreams are less dreams and more nightmares, her past and passed friends all in shambling corpses, telling her how little she did to save them – that she could’ve done more. That’s why she wakes early. That’s why she likes being awake. Not because she doesn’t get tired – it’s because she doesn’t want to dream. Not anymore. She’d much prefer to be awake.

18. What kind of person could they become in the future? What are some developmental paths that they could take, (best, worst, most likely?) what would cause them to come to pass, and what consequences might they have? What paths would you especially like to see, and why?

Ooh, interesting question! I think the most likely path is for her to realize the err of her coping mechanisms and get help with the help of her team. Bad end though, is something I’d want to see. Bad end Ruby would probably break ( because of the loss of another party member – more than likely Qrow or anyone from RWBY though at this point it could be ANY one of her friends ) and the silver eyes would end up doing more harm than good. Salem could brainwash her and use her as a minion. There are millions of ways she could get corrupted and I’m interested in exploring them, but I’m also interested in exploring one where she admits to her faults and gets help. I’d like to see Ruby put herself first for once.

CONNECTIONS WITH OTHERS.20. What kind of individual relationships do they have with others, and how do they behave in them? How are they different between intimate relationships like friends, family, and lovers versus more impersonal relationships?

Oh boy, that’d have to be a post for another time, because I could go into every single interaction she has. I’ll keep this one broad though and say she’s pretty easy to get along with and pretty easy to make friends with. She’s always looking for new friends and new opportunities to talk to people. She’s very curious and invested in the people she likes! More intimate relationships will see different sides of her but most see her as the cheery girl she presents as – the girl who wants to help others out. She also forms personal relationships but they’re all based from a very real and pure heart that loves to make friends.

22. How do people respond to them, and why might these responses differ?

There are people who think Ruby’s Too Much All Of The Time because of her bouncy / plucky / optimistic nature. She’s also very loud – it’s hard for her to control her volume and sometimes more difficult to read social cues which can kind of put people off. But, most of the time, they see her as an open, cheery girl who loves people, and sometimes that pisses people off. She’s a good person though, at heart, and that draws people in.

24. How do they present themselves socially? What distinguishes their “persona” from their “true self”, and what causes that difference?

Oof. This is a good one. She presents herself, as mentioned above, as a bubbly, optimistic, loud, fun-loving person. In actuality, she’s very sad. She’s very sad and developed several unhealthy coping mechanisms that from the outside look totally healthy. Whereas Qrow depends on cynicism and alcoholism as his way to deal with grief, Ruby does the opposite. She relies on optimism and hope in an unhealthy way. ( Sidenote: she also eats a lot out of a way to deal with her grief: fun fact ). Not many people – if anyone – have seen the really sad part of her because she’s repressed it so far. What she doesn’t realize is sadness when repressed often leads to anger unprompted. She’s repressed enough at this point to get very, very angry at another, and that’s horrifying to think about.

26. How do they view and feel about relationships, and how might this manifest in how they handle them, if it does?

She’s “open” with relationships. In that she’s totally okay with the other person being open and she’s very warm and welcoming and excitable, but she puts most of if not all of her focus into that other person and how they feel in the relationship. Romantically, she isn’t actively looking for a partner, though she wouldn’t mind one. ( I will say, I doubt that her having a partner at this time is healthy. ) It’s hard for her to read people so the person who has the crush would have to straight up say “hey, let’s date” because otherwise it’s a lost cause. Usually she’s very flattered even if the feelings aren’t returned! Someone having a crush never ruins a friendship for her.

ACTIVITIES AND PREFERENCES.28. What are they likely to do if they have the opportunity, resources, and time to accomplish it? Why?

Anything, if she really wants to. She’s a determined person.

30. What is their preferred level of activity and stimulation? How do they cope if they get either too little or too much?

Ooh! She’s got a lot of activity needed but if it’s unprompted and sudden it can trigger a sensory overload. Large crowds make her uncomfortable for that reason. She can be around people but only really when she’s prepared herself to do so. Even then, it can be hard for her. Stimming helps with that! Her most common stims are spreading her hands out, hands flapping, or playing with something in her hands! Tapping also helps.

32. Do they have any “props” that are a significant part of their life, identity, activities, or self-presentation somehow? What are they, how are they used, and why are they so significant? How would these props’ absence impact them, how would they compensate, and why?

Other than the obvious being crescent rose, her cape is symbolic as hell. I’m gonna get into that in a separate post.

THINKING AND LEARNING.34. How do they understand the world–what kind of worldview and thought processes do they have? Why?

I think I’ve pretty much already answered this one? Check 14 again. ( I will go into her opinion on Faunus rights -- spoiler, she’s completely for them -- later. )

36. How much do they rely on their minds and intellect, versus other approaches like relying on instinct, intuition, faith and spirituality, or emotions? What is their opinion on this?

Emotions, emotions, emotions. She is lead by her heart almost completely. Sometimes she’s prone to thinking things out rationally but most of the time? She’s all heart bapey. She doesn’t mind people thinking logically but sometimes she wonders why people don’t listen to their hearts more, unaware that it can be as harmful as it can be good.

38. Is there anything they wish they could change about their worldview or thought processes? What, and why?

I think if she totally snapped that could all change but it’d take quite a lot of time to get that way.

40. What do they wonder about? What sparks their curiosity and imagination, and why? How is this expressed, if it is?

Everything! She’s a very curious girl and asks a lot of questions! It’s not because she’s completely unaware but more that she’s totally interested in the things around her. It doesn’t take much to spark curiosity and imagination but things like semblances or fighting styles are things that pique her curiosity.

#soultimed #hc.

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aceyanaheim · 6 years ago

Text

Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.)

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms:

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour. Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info) and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time.

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD)

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection.

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd)

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder)

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be) but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending)

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders)

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.)

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah)

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years)

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help)

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s)

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist)

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.: Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem) deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this.

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do.

How your disorder/s affect your relationships

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it��s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems.

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad)

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes. All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression. I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things.

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot) My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away.

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

#mental health #mental illness #mental health awareness #mental health awareness 2018 #mental health awareness 2019 #mha2018 #well..2019 but thats what they said to tag it #depression cw #anxiety cw #self harm cw #suicidal feelings cw #ableism #abuse mention #fillicide mention #uuuh I think that covers it #here goes

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itsallavengers · 7 years ago

Note

I present to you - Tony gives Peter his first weighted blanket

The only reason Tony noticed was because Tony knew what he was looking at.

The fidgeting. The hyperfixation on certain tasks. The sudden and seemingly random bouts of disassociation, where Peter seemed a million miles away from the situation, and then flinched wildly at the slightest touches or quietest of sounds.

Tony Stark knew ADHD and a sensory processing disorder when he saw it. He looked in the mirror every fucking morning, after all.

(read more, mobile users)

It made sense, once he thought about it. What had the kid said, at the very start- ‘it’s like everything is dialled up to eleven’. Yeah. Superhuman senses would do that to a kid. And Tony thought he’d had it bad. At least he’d had his whole life to learn how to deal with it. Peter had just woken up one day with… all of that.

Hell, medication probably wouldn’t even work on him. His enhancements just ate up most drugs and spat them back out immediately after, so it wasn’t like Tony could just hand him some Adderral and be on his way. And that was about as far as Tony went when it came to treating himself- for the rest of it, he just dealt with the sudden and overwhelming bouts of sensory overload by curling up in a dark corner and drinking until everything numbed out again- not exactly something he’d ever recommend to Peter. Ever ever ever.

So he was kinda stumped.

He kept an eye out as best he could- took the kid out of situations where he knew that sort of thing might get triggered, gave the suit an emergency Cleansheet mode that pretty much cancelled out everything other than basic functions and manual control. He did his best not to get pissed off when Peter would not stop fucking tapping at the desk, because God only knew he did it enough himself, and generally just attempted to guide the kid through methods of controlling it without actually admitting he faced the same problem himself.

Because it wasn’t exactly something he wanted to go around telling everyone, was it? I’m Tony Stark, biggest genius around, and that actually sucks a lot more than you’d think because for some reason it makes my brain hate me.

“Peter, Peter- slow down. You’re jumping again,” Tony told him, not looking up from the circuits his hands were fiddling with as Peter spun around on the chair beside him and talked a mile a minute about what appeared to be 4 completely different subjects at once. Tony could keep up, yeah- but it was more about trying to let Peter become aware of it so he didn’t do it around those who weren’t quite as quick as he was.

Peter paused for a good long moment, and then said “Huh?”

“Jumping, Peter,” Tony glanced up, wry smile on his face, “A to B, not A to Z, remember?”

The kid stared for another second, and then it seemed to click, because he blushed. “Oh, yeah. Sorry.”

“No worries,” Tony said, turning back around. I do it to Pep all the time, he didn’t add on.

“Peter?” Tony said slowly, watching the kid from across the room as he curled in on himself, suit half hanging off his shoulders in the big open-plan space of the living room, “Peter, are you good, buddy?”

He knew there was nothing he could have done to stop the situation from unfolding- they’d needed spiderman to pick out the perps as they’d blended in through the massive carnival that had been running through New York, and Tony had had to prioritise. And Peter was already good enough at compartmentalising his shit that he’d been able to effectively pick out the guys and save the day.

He wasn’t so good with the after-effects of said compartmentalising.

“JARVIS, put the lights down, sound off, you know the drill,” Tony said quietly, removing his shoes and the jacket he knew probably smelt like all kinds of stuff to Peter’s sensitive nose. “Peter, I’m going to ask you one question, then I’m going to leave the room. Do you want me to put some quiet music on, or is that going to make things worse?”

Jerkily, Peter shook his head. Tony didn’t say anything- just grabbed his shoes off the floor and turned away. It was difficult and he didn’t want to, but he knew that staying there would be like a nightmare for Peter, who could hear his heartbeat and his breathing and the creaks his bones made when he flexed.

So he shut the door of the workshop and left Peter to come back to himself.

He knew Peter hadn’t been sleeping well, because neither had Tony.

It came with the territory, he guessed. And Peter was far, far too much like Tony for his own good anyway.

When the sensations and the nightmares and the sheer frustration at having almost every thought he tried to take hold of slip through his fingers became too much to handle, Tony brought out the bottle of whiskey he kept under the bed and put half of it in his stomach. It made his brain quieter, if only for a few hours.

Peter didn’t have that option. Tony hoped to god he didn’t, anyway.

He watched the boy move through rooms like a ghost, rubbing his eyes tiredly and jerking at every movement. The things he and Tony had been carefully working on were slipping- he’d gone back to jumping almost incomprehensibly through every conversation. and could not seem to concentrate on anything that wasn’t active fieldwork. It seemed the lack of sleep made everything worse, and in all honesty, it was driving Tony nuts.

“Peter?” He asked, clicking his fingers once in Peter’s face and giving him something to focus on, “Peter, just come with me for a second. I wanna show you something.”

He’d fished it out of storage weeks ago, but never quite found the courage to hand it over. Something he’d used as a teenager before discovering alcohol, and something he would probably still be using now if it weren’t for the fact that it wasn’t so much the ADHD or SPD keeping him up now as it was the horrifying depictions of world apocalypse.

Yeah. Anyway.

Peter stared at the blanket in Tony’s hands blankly for a few seconds, before looking up. The question was evident in his eyes.

“It’s a weighted blanket,” Tony huffed, trying to sound exasperated, because it was better than sounding vulnerable, “it helps with… sensory stuff. I used to use it when everything got loud in my head. It’s great to help you sleep. I think you need it.”

Peter was still looking at it, and it was obvious he’d zoned out again, so Tony poked him on the shoulder. “Blanket, Parker. For when you’re sleeping. To help with the sensory overload or whatever the fuck this is,” he waved a hand, “I don’t know, it looks similar to my own… my own thing, so I thought it might help.”

He shoved the thing into Peter’s arms and turned away, feeling mortified. God, the first person Tony had admitted any of that to, and it was a fucking fifteen year old boy.

Peter called him. He didn’t reply.

There was a thing and it was a Really Cool Thing and suddenly three days had gone by with Tony doing nothing but focus on the Really Cool Thing and that was fine by him, meant that there were no awkward conversations between him and Peter, so there was really noting to complain about.

“I didn’t even know you had those sort of problems,” Peter said suddenly at the table, and his eyes were brighter and he didn’t look like a zombie any more, so Tony guessed the weighted blanket had worked at least a little bit. “I just thought you were…”

Peter trailed off, and Tony didn’t say anything. He knew exactly what Peter was thinking- it was what everyone else did.

“Thank you. Thank you for… helping me. I see now, what you were- it was nice of you. And I know it’s probably a really private thing for you, so- yeah. Thanks.”

Tony looked up, then. Peter was wringing his hands and looking at the ground, but the words seemed sincere. There was no judgement there, no venom. Just… gratefulness.

He frowned. “Did it work?”

Peter nodded. “Weirdly, yes.”

Tony smiled, just for a moment, and then turned back around. “Good. Keep it. Don’t try anything else- if you do want to, talk to me first, alright? You promise, Peter?”

He had to make sure the kid wouldn’t go down the same roads as him. Tony would try literally every other form of help he could get his hands on before that happened. He’d breathalyse the kid every damn morning if he had to.He wasn’t going to go there.

Peter nodded a little. “Yeah. Yeah- promise.”

Tony paused, and then nodded. Promises meant a lot to Parker. It was enough for now. “Okay, glad we got that sorted. Now at least I can tell you to quit your fucking tapping in my lab- it ruins the rhythm of my tapping, and my tapping is more important here.”

“Why is your tapping-”

“My shop. My ADHD-fuelled workshop of design and creation. My rules.” Tony waved him off, turning back around to the boot of his suit. “Now scram- I’m trying to focus.”

“See, now I understand why that’s such a big deal for you-”

Tony chucked a pencil at him. Peter caught it, but he did end up wandering off in the end, so Tony counted it as a win.

He couldn’t help but smile a little into his circuitry. The kid would be alright. He had a mentor who was old hat at this shit, anyway. What could possibly go wrong?

Hm. On second thoughts- best not get into that.

#I love ADHD Tony with all my entire fucking being okay & it has been brought to my attention that Peter could have it Also and so. yes #peter & tony #peter parker #tony stark #itsallavengers writes #Anonymous

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leaveharmony · 7 years ago

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** this got mad towards the end and it wasn't a targeted sort of mad at anyone in particular so much as a tired & probably-stemming-from-always-having-thing-I-enjoy-and-the-way-I-engage-with-it belittled sort of mad. And as my father has always taught me, having or expressing emotions is shameful and wrong, so sorry.

Idk I think it's like....harder for me to cast judgement RE: ~cheating scandals~ or w/e because it goes back to it all being completely theoretical to me. No one's ever, face to face, at any time in any way expressed any kind of romantic interest in me whatsoever, I've never been in a relationship of any kind. It hasn't come up, and that's fine. Whether this is a case of you cannot miss what you've never had or whether I'm just like....a broken empty vessel for whom the yearning for human contact has gone beyond recall or desire, I dunno, and it doesn't concern me. This isn't a pity me statement or an uwu secret crush notice me statement, I literally don't care at this point and tbh can't remember ever having done so.

Probably my oldest friend at this point, she....like as long as I've known her she's dated married men almost exclusively (and this started when we were both in highschool, when she was screwing around w/ her married english teacher - something I now understand was shocking predatory behaviour and probably statutory rape besides, but she does not acknowledge it as such so bring it up isn't my place). She's been seeing the current one for at least three years now, I think, and he's married. It's certainly an uncomfortable thing, and god knows I don't believe he could possibly think much of her or his wife if he's been doing this for so long and never once manned up and been honest or seriously considered ending his marriage. But it's her life and we don't talk much anymore anyway, so I've never felt like it was my job or my place to be her therapist RE: holy shit what the fuck is wrong with you why do you do this to yourself and how could you do this to someone else?

Like full disclosure she started ‘seeing’ that english teacher when we were sort of puppy love internet-together (another long story but she wanted to or at least said she did and I sorta went along with it cos I didn't want to hurt her feelings...which of course, then it certainly seemed v. much like she didn't have many of, considering within a week she was having it off w/ someone else...again, this was a detached ‘Oh’ kind of moment, not really connected to any real hurt as she had instigated this and I hadn't really felt anything myself...it was upsetting in a sort of, ‘so this is what people do when they tell you they love you, that is disappointing but I guess life is not fiction’ kind of way but not in a ‘how could you, I love you’ kind of way. As a first/only experience it could have gone better tbh, but it certainly gave me the right level of expectation afa being used & discarded when someone more convenient came along).

It's possible that most of the people I have ever known have just been fundamentally really bad at relationships and so I just sort of assume this is a normal thing; my father is an abusive shitbag and we're inescapably trapped with him, grandpa was a sort of...disinterested stick in the mud with a frightening temper for whom my grandmother gave up all her interests in sports and the outdoors because he did not share them. Wabs never married, Tosh told me like she was expecting a pat on the back and a medal that she'd been faithful to her husband as he died of cancer 'even though she ‘didn't have to be.’ And my instinctive reaction wasn't GOOD FOR YOU so much as it was “....what?!” but again...I didn't speak, because what the fuck do I know? Maybe ppl run off and start seeing other ppl as soon as their partners get so much as a headcold all the time.

Ppl just sorta get abused and trampled and left and cheated on and discarded, or they do the same to others, and it just looks like a hell of a mess I'm well out of, tbh. Which I guess is another reason...unless somebody's getting beat or otherwise abused, I feel like it's none of my business. So honestly, “Tana slept around when he was single and one day some chick he canoodled with for like two months stabbed him for it” is filed under “Yeah that'll happen, thank god he didn't die” rather than “Hahahahaha karma amiright he totes deserved it, domestic abuse and attempted murder are hilarious when they’re directed at men who’re full of themselves!”

Nobody needs to tell me to have low fuckin' expectations for men, ok, I live under the boot of one of their idiot kings. Tell me Tana fatshames his family for eating, tell me he gaslights them or acts like when they’re hurt or injured they’re making it up to personally inconvenience him, tell me they have to rigidly control their emotions around him to avoid setting off his violent temper, and ok. Tell me he's a bigot, tell me he hits his family, tell me he hates women, tell me he's a rapist, ok. But like...’he had a lot of sex and probably hurt people's feelings’ is not really high on my list of cardinal offenses b/c as far as I can tell, that's fucking everyone. It isn't like he still does, it isn't like he's not tried to put it behind him and grow from it and be better. It's practically his motto. Why is ‘I acted in a shitty way but I'm trying to atone and I still look back and feel guilty about it’ only an admirable, affirming thing to aspire to when it's a tumblr post & not when a guy is straight up saying it? Which he has, on multiple occasions. Can't change the past, can only try to learn from it.

At. Least. He. Fucking. Tries.

When has redneck george ever walked back his comments about gay ppl or his Islamophobia, when has Lesnar? Beyond a token apology and chasing it w/ a dozen I'M NOT A RACIST THO interviews when has Hogan really acknowledged the depths of how he fucked up? When did Warrior apologize for his vile bigotry, where's Elgin sincerely regretting being a fucking piece of shit dragging a rape victim's name through the mud? Jericho's response to ‘hey maybe you shouldn't be advertising your cruise by saying there will be loads of bikini-clad women there available for you to ogle’ was essentially ‘are you triggered, bro, y so srys?’ and at no point did he objections seriously. Orton never so much as thinks for two seconds before condemning BLM protesters or footballers who take the knee, AND he voted for Trump, but other than hollowly chanting that he's not a racist while blatantly doing things that are racist, silence. Honma beat his girlfriend, Snuka murdered his partner, Austin smacked Debra around, Angle got stoned out of his mind and broke into his ex's apartment, X-Pac hit Chyna, exactly how often do they refer back to what happened, when did they apologize or express regret or even acknowledge any of it? I mean I guess Benoit can't, what with the fucking suicide after he bashed in Nancy's skull and murdered his son.

Ppl have different things they can tolerate and forgive, is I guess my point, or at least one of them. Which is fine! I mean...I'd sure fucking side-eye anybody who writes any of the above a pass, but, I guess everybody's stories and reasons are different.

I like Tana. I'm a fan of his. Ok? Like it probably sounds like I think he's a flawless angel crowned with light b/c compared to my fucking father, he IS. It doesn't mean I'm being willfully blind to mistakes he's made or that I'm absolving him of every sin he's ever committed. I think he's a good person and it's heartening and encouraging that he's in the world and if saying so without adding 18 asterisks about past behaviour and an disclaimer acknowledging all men as shit and all people as inherently flawed makes me a gullible childish ~fangirl~ than ok, I guess I am. Everybody knows my tags for wrestling/wrestlers, which are there as much as a courtesy to anybody who needs to blacklist as they are a filing system for me (that’s why there’s a catch-all! For ppl I haven’t thought up tags for yet or don’t intend to!), and tumblr savior is right there if me being silly about my favs in my own space bothers everybody so fucking much, god knows it wouldn't be the first time I set somebody cringing and they had to tune me out before they quietly dropped my ass like a particularly stupid puppy on a country road. That I am a sloppy fawning emotional mess of untreated neurosis who hyperfixates on things & people who make me feel halfway hopeful for entire minutes at a time & gets stupidly overexcited about stuff isn't new information to me, so if you can't deal with that then... Well...sorry, honestly. Like sincerely. I know how I am and I try not to be but I can't help it sometimes when I like something. Don't feel bad about leaving if you don't want to deal with it, cos I get it, honestly. Have exactly zero (0) guilt feelings about it. I’m a fundamentally repulsive creature, ppl have hard limits on how long they can put up with me, and so it has always been, and so it goes.

#Tanariffic #COMPUTER: ERASE THAT ENTIRE PERSONAL LOG

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qanoor · 8 years ago

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oh great, now I've gone and gotten triggered again about pedophilia / ephebophilia / minors and consent to sexuality / minors in sexual fantasy thing again. I really should just not read certain kinds of csa posts (largely white & western-oriented) sometimes. I don't know. It's so frustrating, this endless thing where people decide that, for example, 16 and 17 year olds are just never capable of consenting to sexual interactions with adults, or that adults who have these encounters are definitely predators.... besides the obvious arbitrariness of the minor / adult distinction, it's just. I don't know. it seems like a lot of abuse survivors cling to certain generalized notions of what counts as "predatory behavior" in order to legitimize and validate their experiences? ugh. like i get it but it’s such a harmful ideology

I'm exhausted by this, and I do feel that it is a kind of violence to have to obsessive-compulsively go over every possible thought I could ever have to the point that I have too much anxiety to even be around kids and teenagers most of the time -- this perseveration, this proliferation of intrusive thoughts and ideas at the level of bodily feeling (I still don't know if the way I immediately wonder if I'm feeling aroused, in a very bodily sense, and the sense of -- am I feeling this arousal, what does it mean, is it arousal or hyperfixation on genital feeling or what! -- when I have an intrusive sexual or violent thought about a kid is some kind of bodily learned anxious response to any kind of sexual thought like my therapist seems to think or if it really is evidence of pedophilia or, worse, predatory desire -- the two *are* different).

And I don't think I would have developed the intense OCD I have around this stuff if the world wasn't so fucked up around issues of desire and age, if there wasn't such an automatic conflation of pedophile/ephebophile and child molester, if norms around child/bodily/mind development weren't so oppressively universalized, if the arbitrary minor/adult distinction wasn't so terrifyingly upheld to the suppression of youth rights.... I'm so exhausted -- this constant contemplation over whether my body is diseased in some sick, deviant beyond deviant way, this constant fear that I will never get over my anxiety about being around minors and kids, that I will forever just seclude myself off for the most part, well, not extremely, but more or less, that I will never trust myself to have kids or care for kids, that I will always return to the stereotypical "what if I put my baby in the microwave" type of OCD fear and be like, in my mind, "I'll raise you one further," always make it worse, worse, always imagine sexually and otherwise violent carnage in my head worse worse worse,

and I am so angry that this world -- that I have learned to treat my every thought, my previous writings, even sexual fantasies I had as a younger person while masturbating that I may still have, as occasion for scrutiny, as heresy -- I don't know. I'm perseverating right now over how the last time I masturbated I kept chasing away thoughts about a story I read that had a fourteen year old in it exploring his sexuality in a slightly typical and cringeworthy teenage-guy way (but it was also a bit subversive) and I was worried about being aroused from that and then I had this thought of "well what if I just imagined him older" and I was like, no that's not good enough, that's a really creepy thing still!!! and worrying about how true it could have been or not been to the author's experience, chase these thoughts away away, and then returning to some staple fantasies in my stories in my head I've had that did involve a sixteen year old girl who was also kind of a version of myself but then she was fourteen in one story and then, like, no, sixteen is the youngest I'd permit myself to still fantasize about, and still, even so, even past orgasm, worrying that this is wrong (for that matter; is it wrong to fantasize while masturbating about sexual experiences I had as a teenager??! or my exes who I knew when we were teenagers??)

I could go on about this a lot, and I do, and I have, and there's the whole "fantasize about whatever you want; fantasy isn't the same as what you actually do" camp but then I'm like, what if that's close to child porn or something, and then, no, of course not, fantasy in one's head is just not the same as consuming media about (that is participating in and perpetuating) the sexual abuse of children, even fantasy that one writes (or even draws) about children is not the same as child porn that abuses actual children, but I'm always worried about the slippery slope, what if one thing leads to the other, what if I'm actually a pedophile or ephebophile (and this here is about stigma, about not wanting to be that which is abject, even if it is not actually abusive, even if desire is not the same as violence), and my therapist saying it seems like I worry about all of this a lot but don't seem to actually experience pedophilic desire (and this is probably true; I don't think I really do -- even when I fantasize about teenagers, and usually fictional teenagers, it is those who are quite past puberty -- although this makes me worried about when I have found actual teenagers attractive, and my therapist saying -- within a normatively age-dependent sexual framework, as opposed to pedophilia etc -- it makes sense to find bodily developed teenagers attractive when they really don't look much different from adults, and the thoughts I chase away chase away chase away the fantasies I don't allow the intrusive thoughts that make me stop masturbating or do I just make that happen? the fear that I must stop or change or chase away otherwise it's real, I am a predator) ah, the on and on of it.

I don't know how to escape -- and at the end of it all, there's a part of me that's just like, here I am, a twenty six year old queer femme complicated survivor, feeling guilty for much of my life for thoughts and ideas and impulses I don't carry out, for yes fantasies too, for stories I have written that involved dubious consensual sexuality at times, or large age gaps, when I didn't grow up with the cultural rabidity around age difference that -- I mean, to some extent yes but also no, and so much informed by my own crushes, and now as an adult, this idea that one should -- what, create some kind of artificial "cutting off" of all that one has been and fantasized about, the same OCD fear again that a thought itself, and especially a pleasurable thought in any way, that an activity that doesn't actually harm anyone *could* somehow... and just imagine all the fucking assholes in the social justice world who'd be after me now! if.... and I worry, every time, each time, that it is wrong, I am wrong, and still -- I don't know, I lose memory or grasp every time of -- and I don't know how to talk about this fully and coherently enough --

and I don't know, I have definitely done things with sexuality that I wouldn't do again or that I would do differently, such as being verbally/emotionally sexually pressuring or harassing in some cases of partners or friends I had unrequited feelings for. and, years ago, or before I got more caught up in the murky (non)consent of this, secretly (??) masturbating in the same room as roommates when I hoped they were asleep (and I do still have a lot of complicated feelings about this as a general thing, which I could go on about too, but I wouldn’t and haven’t done it in years because I worry a lot and don’t feel okay about it), and oh god that time in the same room as my mother while she was busy, and I hope not other times with my parents in the same room but I can't remember. and sometimes I feel the need to catalogue every fucking thing and I can't remember everything and -- I sometimes try to have some compassion for my past selves, like realizing that I had a lot to learn about how to be clearer about consent (but I should have! known, or -- I don’t know, cultural complexities, and being at war with it here there everywhere, and the excuse that that can turn into, and is it an excuse here? I just don’t know! I--), or also realizing that I have been quick to ‘exaggerate’ (perhaps) my mistakes and perpetrations, but then worrying that what if I’m actually under-exaggerating, I just don’t know I don’t know, and -- sometimes I wish I could remember every single fantasy I have ever masturbated to so I could list them in various degrees of culpability and shame, for I have gotten off to things in my head, or erotic stories, that I wouldn't really endorse -- and this whole endless question of age in fantasy -- I don't know I don't know I don't know I do think the (particularly) western & western-influenced social justice world is cruelly and needlessly hypervigilant, endlessly mired in scrupulosity and punitive surveillance, and I used to buy so much into it & I still do -- I am afraid of the abjection beyond abjection, that I am it -- and I don't know, I still -- and I'm sorry if I -- am wrong -- and this is one of the main reasons why masturbation and sexuality are so fucking hard for me, it's difficult when your brain is a constant fucking bomb of intrusion?!?!?!

as always, if anyone does think all of this points to my being predatory in some way, please just tell me, i would rather know than not know, please don’t spare any details

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