#I convinced myself that this is going to happen so badly that I would literally have a whole mental breakdown if it doesn't come true | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ohtobeleah · 1 year ago

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Goodbye, Goodbye // Jake Seresin

-> A Terms of Endearment Blurb

Summary: Jake & Amilia have been trying for a year, when they do fall pregnant it leads to a much bigger discovery and an even bigger heart heartbreak.

Warnings: Pregnancy journey. Pregnancy talk. Miscarriage. Ovarian Cancer. Jake Seresin x OC reader. PLEASE READE THE WARNINGS

Word Count: 4.2k

Author Note: Day Twenty One of Whumptober. Prompt I chose: Near Death Experience. Thank you to @ailesswhumptober for the prompt list.

Whumptober Masterlist | Main Masterlist

The love between Jake Seresin and Amilia Fisher was as fierce as love could be. It was no secret to anyone around them that they had a love that burned so deep and so profound that they would forever and always be each other’s end game. Each other's soul mates. For all that they had been through and worked on, new love grew in the form of healed wounds and new trust.

They had, for what it was worth—survived The Great War.

“I can’t keep doing this.” Amilia sighed as she crawled into bed beside her husband with yet another negative pregnancy test. “It’s been twelve months of constant let downs.” She frowned at the stupid plastic first response she knew she shouldn’t buy but kept repurchasing anyway. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t keep doing this to myself Jake.”

Amilia laid her head on Jake's shoulder as he sat up in their bed. The two of them had been trying for one whole year. One whole year of negative pregnancy tests. One whole year old preconception vitamins. One whole year of sperm health tables. One whole year of tips and tricks Amilia’s Flo app had given her. One whole year of prime positions and menstrual cycle tracking and temperature monitoring and diet changes.

One whole year of nothing by failed attempts and broken hearts.

“I know, and hey—I know we’re both on the same page about wanting this.” Jake cooed as he took the negative test from his wife’s hand. “But maybe it just isn’t our time?”

“So do we keep trying or do we go see a fertility specialist and try to figure out what’s going on?” They had been told to try and convince naturally for twelve consecutive months before reaching out to a specialist. That was the recommendation. But with every month that passed them by, Amilia grew more and more frustrated and concerned that something could be wrong.

“I think we keep trying, but do that in tandem with talking to a specialist.” Jake cooed. “I love you, I want this yeah?”

“I want this too—so bad.” Amilia could feel her bottom lip quivering. She wanted to be a mother so badly, she wanted to give Jake the chance to be a dad. He was already the best uncle to Odette and Riley, even if he was halfway across the world three months at a time. “I just don't know if I can't handle another negative test, my body is literally designed to have children and I can't even get a stupid fertilised egg to embed in me.” Jake had to laugh sympathetically as Amilia snuggled into his side with a huff. She was doing her best, he knew that.

“For all we know it could be me who's shooting blanks.” He reminded her. “We’ll talk to someone who can help us alright, but for now, let's just appreciate the time we have together before kiddos and prams and family passes and all the sleepless nights we’ll surely have.”

“I know you're frustrated.” Amilia mumbled into Jake's side. His tan torso was hot to the touch, her walking talking furnace. “You don't have to be the optimistic one all the time.”

“Trust me–” Jake admitted in the low light of their bedroom the two shared in Townsville, Australia. ”I am, but I'm not frustrated with you.” Jake felt like he had to make that clear as clear could be. “I think I'm just frustrated that we’re kinda told that if you have sex you get pregnant and die.” It was an over exaggeration of the poor sex education system, but Jake pretty much nailed it. “And now that we’re trying, it just sucks that it hasn't happened the way I always thought it would.”

“Makes me jealous of Fe for getting pregnant so easily.” Amilia felt awful saying it, but she knew her husband wouldn't spill her horrid thoughts. “Riley was a thought and then she was real in the span of a year and Nicky well, we both know Nicky was a little oopsie baby, our children, if we keep going at this rate will have sixty five year old parents in their teens.”

“How do people do it.'' Jake sighed as he sunk a little lower into the bed and pulled his wife into his chest. “Oopsie babies, I mean–I just don't get it, how do you not know?”

“We’re horrible people aren't we?” Amilia chuckled to herself as she curled into her husband. They were ready for the next big phase in life, but something was holding them back from stepping into parenthood. Some divine intervention that was telling them now wasn't their time. But my god did they both want it just as bad as each other.

“Hmm, maybe.” Jake kissed Amilias shoulder softly as he revelled in the scent of her body wash. “But no one needs to know, and all those people out there getting pregnant the first time round? They’re just overachievers.”

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

Amilias period was four days late. She initially didn't think much of it because she knew when she got stressed it messed with her cycle, but something deep inside her was telling her to take just one more test. Something was telling her that if she took just one more, that it would be the positive she had been praying for.

“If you’re fucking with me man I’m gonna be pissed.” She wasn’t a religious person, but Amilia believed that there was something bigger than herself out there. So as the little stick sat upside down on the counter of her bathroom vanity—she spoke to whatever the hell that bigger idea was. “I’m serious, I can’t take it.”

The timer felt obnoxious, but Amilia jumped as the silence in her bathroom was broken by the set standard alarm her phone rang with. Three entire minutes had passed and she was standing on the edge of a cliff she knew that she’d jump off if that plastic stick was negative. She couldn’t do it anymore, it was torture.

“Alright, fuck it.” She groaned as she reached out to check the pregnancy test. To Amelia's surprise though it wasn’t what she had originally been expecting. “Oh my god—“ It was positive. Her first positive. “No fucking way.” Two very pink very clear very there lines were looking back at Amilia as she cupped a hand over her mouth and crouched down. Her knees felt weak, she had to remind herself to breathe or else she was going to pass out from the pure joy that was pulsing through her veins.

“Holy shit, I’m pregnant!” Amilia had thought about all the different ways she could have told her husband that they were expecting, she even had one of those ‘Hi Daddy’ newborn onesie tucked away somewhere deep in their closet for a rainy day. But as her feet hit the pavement of the Townville Naval base, Amilia made a B-line for the administration building to get herself a visitors pass.

“Your wife’s looking for you.” Gucci told Jake as he caught up with him in one of the hallways. “She’s in G building.”

“Oz is on base?” Jake replied with caution lacing his words.

“I just saw her, she asked if I saw you to send you her way.” Jake wasn’t about to stick around and play twenty one questions with his wingman. He let his feet carry him over to G building where he’d been told his wife was looking for him. Jake's locker was in G building, so was the canteen he frequented and the rec room he liked the most—so it was only natural for Amilia to assume that would be the easiest place to start.

“Oz?” Jake cooed as he rounded a particular corner and saw the back of his wife’s head. “What are you doing here? Are you alright? What’s wrong?”

Without question or any explanation, Amilia ran towards her husband with a smile so bright and a laugh so full of joy that it nearly knocked Jake to the ground. She jumped into his unexpecting arms that were quick to catch her as her legs wrapped around his wide but muscular frame.

“Babe!?”

“I’m pregnant!” Two words, it took just two words for Jake Seresins heart to implode in his chest. “We’re pregnant Jake we fucking did it!”

“You’re pregnant?” Jake never thought his heart could get any bigger, but he knew in that very moment his heart grew—it imploded and grew back twice the size it originally was to cater for the little life the two of them had created. “Are—are you sure?”

Amilia Fisher couldn’t be sure until she had a blood test done, but when the ten pregnancy test she took all from different brands came up as fat as fuck positives—she knew they couldn’t be lying. She was pregnant.

“I’m sure, I’m so sure Jake, we’re gonna be parents!”

Jake sat his wife back down on the ground but he never let her go. He kissed her with enough passion and love to have her heart fluttering inside her chest and her lungs burning with desire. His hands cupped her flushed with heat cheeks so she couldn’t pull away—and through the entire embrace, Amilia couldn’t stop smiling against her husband's lips.

“Holy shit we’re pregnant!” Jake let his forehead settle against his wife’s. “Oz, I love you so very much.”

“We’re gonna have a baby Seresin.” Amilia laughed as she ran the pad of her thumb across Jake's cheek. “Us, you and me, with a baby.”

“Half you half me huh.” Jaked cooed, he was over the moon. Amilia widened her eyes in response before she laughed, they were having the baby they had dreamed of having.

“Oh god what a combo—“

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

“You’ll need to make an appointment with an OBGYN for an ultrasound at around six to eight weeks.” With a single blood test, the pregnancy that Jake and Amilia had been waiting for had been officially confirmed. “But congratulations, you are very much pregnant, Mrs Seresin.”

“You hear that Oz?” Jake cooed as he squeezed Amilias hand in the doctor's office. “Very pregnant.”

The two were keeping everything on the downlow, Amilia, albeit very excited and full of joy to finally experience her biggest wish—wanted to wait till she was out of the first trimester until her and Jake started telling the people closer to them. However, that didn’t stop Jake from telling you, his closest friend, his sister, his person.

“Amilias pregnant!?” You shouted down the phone. “Oh my god congratulations! How far along is she?”

“Uh—we just left the doctors office like five minutes ago, four weeks?” Jake looked over to where his wife sat in the passenger's seat, beaming at your reaction over the loudspeaker. “She’s here with me.”

“Oz! You’re pregnant oh my god!” You wanted to cry, Jake was going to be an amazing dad and Amilia was going to be the best mum. That kid was already so loved at conception. “I’m so happy for the two of you, I’m gonna have to tell Rooster you know that right?”

“I never thought this day would actually come but yeah, we’re pregnant.” Amilia reached out for her husband's hand before he brought it up to his lips. “And yeah, that’s fine, but don’t tell the cowboy alright I wanna tell Rhett myself.”

“So he can tell you that you’re an idiot?” You laughed as you sat in the livingroom at midnight, feeding little Nicky. Bradley was on a mission which left you outnumbered three to one.

“Yeah, but I know he cares.” Amilia and Rhett Abbott were quite close for two people who pretended like they couldn’t stand one another.

***~***~***~***~***~***~***

The happiness didn’t last for very long. Seven weeks into Amilias first and what would ultimately be last, something went wrong. The kitchen was buzzing with music as she chopped up a quick garden salad to go with dinner, sausages Jake was cooking on the barbecue. She hadn’t changed out of her pyjamas all day, and had barely gotten out of bed. But as six o’clock rolled around on Saturday afternoon, Amilia felt a little more like herself and hoisted herself up.

“Almost finished with these bad boys.” Jake called out over his shoulder through the window that led back into the kitchen, he could see his wife, the love of his life in the corner of his eye. “How’s that salad looking?”

“Diced and chopped daddio—“ Amilia teased as she flicked the rest of the cherry tomatoes off the chopping board into the bowl. “I’ve just gotta add the—“ Oh, that didn’t feel good.

“Add the what babe?” Jake thought he just didn’t hear what Amilia had said, he thought he had just missed the tail end of her sentence, but she’d stopped mid sentence at the feeling of her lower abdomen cramping, like a bad period pain. “Oz?” Jake frowned as he cut the gas and took the sausages off the hot plate.

“The cheese.” Amilia clenched her jaw as she tried to breathe through the pain, it only got worse with every breath she took. “I just have to add the—Ahh!” It felt like someone had stabbed a hot knife into her and had begun to drag the aerated edge across her body. “Ahh—“

“Amilia!” Jake had all but forgotten the tray of sausages he was carrying in when he saw his wife on the floor in a heap, curling into herself to try and stop the pain. “Hey, what’s wrong, hey—?”

Breathe, in out, in out. She was fine.

“Babe I can’t help if you don’t te—“ The blood told Jake all he needed to know before Amilia could even begin to get her words out. “Oh god—no.”

“Jake—“ Her husband's name was the only thing Amilia could will herself to speak as she saw the blood between her legs, seeping into her pyjama pants. The same pyjama pants she’d been in all day because she just hadn’t felt well. “I’m fine, we’re okay, we’re fine, we’re, aaahh—!”

Everyone needs just one person in their lives who say things like ‘You got this’ ‘I believe in you’ and ‘You will find courage and energy in yourself that you normally wouldn’t have had before.’

But more importantly, that person needs to also say the things that no one wants to hear. And if things were to go wrong? They would be there in the mud for whatever reason.

Jake was that person for Amilia Fisher-Seresin. He had the ability to say something’s wrong when she couldn’t bring herself to believe it.

“Honey, I think we need to get you up to the hospital.” He had the ability to worry, to care and understand that something was horribly wrong and that there shouldn’t be this much blood or this much pain when it came to implantation bleeding and spotting. Amilia was having what Jake could only assume to be a miscarriage and all he could do in that moment was put his own feelings of grief and sorrow aside to help the only woman he’d ever truly loved. “It’s alright, I’ve got you.”

“No no no no no—“ Amilia cried as she bawled her fists into the cotton of Jake's t-shirt before her tears strained the white fabric. He could smell the iron in the air. “Jake—“ She sobbed. “Our baby, somethings wrong.”

“Let me take you to the emergency room sweetheart.” Jake had to hold his own tears back, this wasn’t what he pictured would happen when Amilia had told them they were gonna have a baby together. “Please? I have to make sure you’re alright baby, your bleeding and—“ Jake knew he had to say it. “You are what’s important right now, you and your health baby because I can lose that baby, I can deal with that grief but I can’t lose you both alright.” Jake felt his wife’s heart shattering as she screamed into his embrace right there on the kitchen floor. “I can’t lose you both alright so I need you to let me get you some help.”

Jake thought he was a pretty tough guy, but as his wife cried in his arms bleeding as she lost their baby on the kitchen floor, he knew he wasn’t strong enough to handle this without a support system. He needed you. He needed your strength and resistance and your determination and strength to get through this. He needed you to hold him up because his knees felt weak but he had to get up. He needed to be there for his wife through everything.

“I’m sorry—“ Amilia sobbed as Jake carried her out to the car koala style. He was going to be covered in blood but that didn’t matter. Nothing else mattered besides getting Amilia the care she needed. “I’m so sorry.”

“You haven’t done anything wrong sweetheart.” Jake cooed. “Not a damn thing.”

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

“We had to give her a sedative in order to examine your wife, Mr. Seresin.” Time was a fickle thing, it was neither here nor there. “She’s asleep, but for what’s it worth she’s incredibly lucky to be alive right now.” Jake could feel his phone ringing in his back pocket—you had been calling non-stop for updates ever since Amilia was taken back for an ultrasound to confirm what everyone already believed to be a miscarriage.

But he’d never remember just how he ended up standing outside his wife’s hospital room in oncology just four hours after he’d brought her into the emergency room. Jake hadn’t even had a chance to change his shirt.

“It’s critical—if we don’t get in there and operate soon, it’s hard to tell how much time she’ll actually have.” The Doctor didn’t sound like he was making any sense, Jake couldn’t process anything he was telling him. This didn’t make sense, none of it did.

“Ovarian cancer?” Jake tried to wrap his head around how his wife, how Amilia, could have ovarian cancer. “I don’t understand.”

“It’s aggressive, from the scans alone I’d say critical.” Again, nothing Doctor Thomas was saying made any sense to Jake. “Mr. Seresin, has your wife ever experienced any pain during intercourse? Painful cramps outside her normal period or—“

“Not that I’m aware of, no.” Jake knew Amilia like the back of his own hand, so the news of her diagnosis on the back of losing their child was far too much for him to handle. “What does she need? Treatment wise?”

“I can't say for certain without exploring her reproductive system more closely but if the ovaries are too far gone, we’re recommending a full hysterectomy.” Jake's brain was trying its best to compute all the little bits of information being given to him as he watched Amilia sleep. She looked as peaceful as she could be. “If the cancer is as aggressive as we believe it to be, if we leave behind any viable tissue it could spread–the miscarriage was a direct result of the tumours constricting her reproductive organs, it's a miracle she was able to convince to begin with.”

“We’d been trying for a year–” Jake explained softly, his entire world was crashing around him. All that he knew, all that he hoped for in the future was crumbling. “We had an appointment with a fertility specialist the month she fell pregnant, we never ended up going because we ended up pregnant.”

“I'm very sorry for your loss–” Doctor Thomas sympathised as he placed his hand on Jake's shoulder. The mullet kinda took away from the seriousness of his tone. “But I truly believe the miscarriage your wife suffered saved her life.” It was a take Jake never thought he’d have on such a horrid situation. “It would have killed her, she’s a very lucky woman, the blood she lost wasn't just from the miscarriage but from one of the worst ovarian torsions I’ve ever seen.”

There was so much blood, far too much blood for Jake to ever forget. He grew up on a farm, his uncle owned an abitur, he knew that humans held a lot of blood but when you physically see that much blood coming from someone you love it's hard to comprehend the magnitude of the destruction until after the fact.

“Your wife is scheduled for surgery earlier tomorrow morning, it's after visiting hours but given the circumstances i've already organised for a cot to be bright up so you can stay with her.”

“If you can't save her life without the hysterectomy, I want you to do it.” Jake nodded as he let a few stray tears fall down his cheeks. “Yeah–yeah if it's all or nothing just do it.” He pressed his lips into a fine line to try and stop his bottom lip from quivering. “But if there's even a slither of hope that you don't have to, please–just try and give her a chance, she wants to be a mum so bad.”

“I understand Mr. Seresin.” Doctor Thomas replied. “This isn't my first rodeo.”

“Unlucky for you.” Jake tried to chuckle as he crossed his arms over his chest. “It's mine.”

“Everyone I ever meet for these types of cases is their first, and if I can offer one piece of advice I’d say that there are other ways to be parents, adoption, foster care.” Doctor Thomas knew by the gaze in Jake's eyes that he was mentally checking out of the conversation. “Go be with your wife, i'll be by in the morning for post ops.”

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

By the time Amilia was coming to in her groggy and drugged out state, Jake had already had a good cry in the dark. The hospital room was dimly lit, Jake didn't want his wife to wake up to the harsh fluorescent lights. Hell he didn't want her to wake up in general. He wanted her to stay sleeping peacefully forever, blissfully unaware of the horrors that awaited her when she woke.

“Hey there Oz.” Jake cooed as he brushed Amilias hair from her face. “I've got you baby, I'm here.” It felt like time had stood still since she first screamed out in pain in the kitchen. Jake knew when he got home that ants would be everywhere from the sausages that had fallen from the tray he carried in and the salad you never put away. “Shhh i've got you Amilia, I’m here.”

“I lost our baby.” Amilia hadn’t even opened her eyes properly and she was already incredibly aware of the heaviness in her chest. The grief she felt inside her soul. “Jake–I lost our baby.”

“It's not your fault sweetheart.” Jake sat as close as he possibly could to his wife's bedside. “We lost our baby, I know, I know and it hurts, it hurts so much but Amilia, it's not so simple.” Jake had been dreading having this conversation, he didn't know how to tell his wife she was going in for surgery. That she was sick, that she had ovarian cancer and that they may have to perform a full hysterectomy just to save her life. “The doctors figured out why it took us so long to conceive.”

“It's me, isn't it.” It broke Jake's heart to nod, but that didn't mean he thought his wife was broken. “What's wrong with me?”

“You uh–” Jake couldn't stop himself from sobbing as he stood to climb into the hospital bed to hold his wife. “You're okay, that's the main thing okay, and you're gonna be fine once the surgery is over and I'm gonna be by your side through everything.”

“I just lost our baby, I don't think I'll ever be alright again.”

“You didn't lose our baby sweetheart, you have ovarian cancer–that's what caused the miscarriage, that's what, that's what stopped us from conceiving earlier.” Jake explained as simply and as slowly as possible as he held Amilia close to him and kissed her forehead. “Losing our baby saved your life.”

“Jake, I don't have cancer.” Amilia scoffed as she shrugged him off. “Why would you even say that right now?” Jake was caught between a rock and a hard place, he didn't know what to do or what to say. “What are you even talking about right now?” That's when it hit, Jake physically saw the moment Amilia was able to process what he had said. “Oh–” Her shoulders slumped as she settled back into him. “Oh no, no no no no I can't, I can't, I don't–”

“Shhh.” Jake cooed as he wrapped his wife back into his arms. “I'm here, I've got you, you're okay.” For everything the two had been through this was certainly about to be their biggest battle, but Jake Seresin was adamant that he would be there every step of the way. “Our baby saved your life, and I'll never be able to thank them enough.”

“How bad is it?” Amilia sobbed into Jake's chest. “The cancer? And be honest Jake, please dont lie to me.”

“It's bad enough.” Jake sobbed as he held Amilia closer than he ever had before. “I'm just grateful you're alive.”

***~***~***~***~***~***~***

Whumptober Tags 🏷️ @xoxabs88xox @oldermenaremyreligion @slut-f0r-u @emma-is-cool @armydrcamers @topguncortez @topgun-imagines @kmc1989 @els-marvelvsp @blindedbythelightt

#ailesswhumptober2023 #terms of endearment// bradley bradshaw #terms of endearment // jake seresin #jake seresin x female oc #jake seresin whump #tw: miscarriage #tw: ovarian cancer

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lastoneout · 6 months ago

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Hey uh @ people with ME/CFS I got a question...

Everything I've read and heard about kinda seems to go hard on the idea that over-exerting yourself tends to lead to exhaustion that just never gets better at all no matter how long you rest after, and like I always assumed I didn't have it, because yeah overexerting myself tends to make me way more exhausted than is does other people and the exhaustion lasts like, a week or more sometimes, but it does eventually get better.

Like last weekend I went shopping for my birthday and also to an art gallery, and then I did a few small errands, and I conserved my energy as best I could, resting often, using mobility aids, ect, but I had to spend Mon-Fri in bed doing basically nothing aside from watching youtube, listening to music, and playing tetris because that was all I had the physical and mental energy to do. And granted that was dragged out a little because I had to go to the ER on Wednesday due to a migraine that got triggered by all this(bcs overexerting myself almost always triggers a migraine) and on Tuesday I sat in the car while we took my cat to the vet for a quick nail trim, but aside from that I just rested and even though I am feeling a bit better today I'm still just SO fucking tired and I know I'm going to have to take it easy for a few days more just to be sure I'm okay.

Which like, idk doesn't sound normal, that's for fucking sure, but I do know that with enough rest eventually I will return to my normal, which isn't everyone else's normal but is still normal enough that I can make myself easy meals and sit at my desk and talk to people and make phone calls and run errands without it killing me too badly.

But like idk my doctors seem convinced that I don't have any kind of autoimmune condition(although they haven't actually ran any tests they just keep insisting I'm not showing the signs of one and to keep up with physical therapy even when I tell them that just going clothes shopping for a few hours puts me on bedrest for the next 2-3 days) but idk again this does NOT seem normal. I legit feel SICK sometimes when I push myself too hard, like I think I'm coming down with a cold or something but it never actually turns into one, I just have that "eugh" sick feeling for a day or two and then it goes away once I've rested enough(also for clarification I never get any real cold/illness symptoms like a temperature and I mask literally everywhere and this ONLY happens after exertion so I don't think I'm actually getting sick). I also don't usually feel rested when I sleep but I always chalked that up to the insomnia more than anything?? But it does happen even when I have a good night's sleep with no tossing and turning or nightmares...

Anyway if anyone who does have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome could maybe explain to me what it's like for them I would appreciate it because idk what else could possibly be going on with me but I am so fucking tired of my doctors acting like there is nothing wrong. It might not be ME/CFS, and I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia so maybe this is all just that? So I also wouldn't mind if someone who has fibro can tell me if this is all just fibro stuff. But idk I just want to know for sure, you know? (If it helps in addition to the fibro I also have arthritis, hEDS, orthostatic Intollerance, and occipital neuralgia.)

#actually disabled #chronic fatigue syndrome #me/cfs #fibromyalgia #I'm legit scared to go back to PT bcs they usually want me to come in twice a week and I honestly don't know #if I am physically capable of doing that in the first place

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leftboob · 5 months ago

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Rayla being the one who helps Claudia onto her path of redemption is the unreasonable thing I want so badly to happen and THIS moment between them is what's keeping me hoping.

Seriously aside from the both of them having abandonment issues, Rayla has no idea why Claudia did this! Every time prior (and still actually) they were face to face, they fought each other without a single word between them except for when they barteredfor Terry and her family. Granted, the most recent occurrence Rayla charged in the fight to defend Callum and Ezran underwater, no questions asked, but perhaps this moment in s4 was purely to plant a seed of doubt in Rayla to consider Claudia is not 100% bad. Why else? Just to for plot purposes to get the coins back in Rayla’s hands, tbh that would be pretty lazy writing if just for that and at the cost of Rayla’s Character because she literally stopped everything she was doing and go against everything she was raised to believe to save Zym's eggs. So in the hope of this leading to something later on, and for Claudia to later be redeemed, I have faith Rayla will be the Aang to Claudia's Zuko redemption arc.

At the moment, the list of people that could reach Claudia at her current state is shrinking - her brother couldn't, her father couldn't, and Terry won't be able to. Potentially, Kruha might make an appearance to help remind her of the kindness she showed him, or Lissa could if Claudia somehow gets to Del Bar and can confront her at last. However if a new character appearance is out of the budget (cause fuck Netflix), then the only characters left to lead Claudia on to her path of redemption are the people who are her enemies (crazy right!? Bare with me here.)

It's unknown how willing Ezran may be to forgive Claudia after everything, and idk what could he say to convince her that he didn't already say during their talk in s2, but he is promoting forgiveness and peace w/ Xadia so if that doesn't apply here somehow that would be upsetting.

Callum is likely leaning towards not wanting to risk another chance w/ Claudia, so it's less likely, but still not impossible considering they were close once before, and Aaravos is a common threat to both of them, even if Claudia currently believes otherwise.

So really that leaves Rayla to be the likely candidateto help Claudia. Not save her out right, but help her path to redeeming herself. After all, Rayla was the catalyst that began Callum and Ezran's path, so it would be narratively poetic for her to be Claudia's catalyst to her redemption arc. All that has to happen is a moment where they can't fight each other; Rayla without her weapons, and Claudia without her magic. A moment were they can't do anything to each other but talk. How would that happen, I don't have an answer.

(It's all purely my own reasoning for myself anyways, not for arguments sake.)

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, I'm in a raydia mood today.

#my tinfoil hat is on #raydia brotp #the dragon prince #Claudia redemption arc or bust

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fuck-customers · 1 year ago

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I have two separate stories of customers being the absolute stupidest people on the planet, but I'll keep them to their own posts

The first incident happened early evening of June 8th of this year.

After having dealt with a particularly stupid young couple (who tried to pay for a $36.29 transaction with a 20, 2 5's and 6 1's, despite having a stack of literally every bill imaginable. After I called him out on being 29¢ short [it was a very long day of people being stupidly greedy with lottery tickets], he accidentally drops a $20 on the counter. As Ms. Thing on his side starts bitching about "it's only 29¢ not $20" I snatch the 20 away from them basically throw their original 5's and 1's at them, and say, "No. You're gonna give me $40 now because you're wasting MY TIME"), I decided to go to the bathroom to just breathe and calm down.

Long story short, I got myself stuck in the bathroom (you may laugh, it was hilarious anyways)

Manager says to put an Out of Order sign on the door, which we do. We even BARRICADED the door with the trash can so no one would go in.

Lo and behold, about an hour later, my coworker is approached by a man, saying his wife had just gotten stuck in the bathroom.

My coworker says, "Oh, well, the door has an out of order sign on it. The men's room looks exactly the same."

And then the woman comes to the counter, to me, and mentions that she got stuck in the bathroom, had to call her "old man" to come break her out.

I laugh and say, "Yea, well, there's a sign on the door for a reason. The men's bathroom looks the same anyhow."

They leave, no issue, but we do tell the group chat with all the employees and managers of the store.

The next morning, the husband comes in, and starts talking to my manager (who, for a little added context, is also my mother. I am a nepo baby I'm sorry 💔💔) about the previous night's ordeal.

He and his wife are convinced that I and my coworker "locked her in the bathroom as a prank"

Which...

No.

There is a SIGN

On the DOOR

That says DO NOT ENTER in big, bold letters

As well as a fucken barricade that she apparently willed out of existence when she needed to pee so badly.

So, my manager then says, "Funny you say that. MY KID got trapped in that bathroom last night. And I had to drive here to help get her out. I live outside of town. Your girlfriend didn't read the warning that I PERSONALLY OVERSAW being taped to the door. Sounds like a classic case of Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes."

When we confronted the Big Bosses with these interactions, they just said "Wow those two were fucking morons, your reactions were justified" so that was nice

Posted by admin Rodney.

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housewarningparty · 1 year ago

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Bri we’re rewatching Buffy 4x15 & 4x16 and realized

Joyce doesn’t live to see Faith get better

The last real time Faith has with Joyce is when she’s in Buffy’s body, and it’s where Joyce insists to Faith that she can’t imagine what happened to make Faith that way. She tells Faith that she doesn’t believe she’s happy. Faith literally hears Joyce say, to her face (well, Buffy’s face) that she hopes Faith gets the help she needs.

Faith literally goes thru all of 15 & 16 then rushes off to the Angel set & goes on a rampage trying to get Angel to kill her. She finally breaks & then has to see Buffy too. Spends all these years in prison. Has to break out to safe Angel. Finally after all those years gets back to Sunnydale. Ends up at Joyce’s house.

Except it NOT Joyce’s house now, it’s Buffy’s house. Joyce is gone and omg the last thing she sees of Faith is her literally at her worst. She never gets to apologize. I’m blowing myself up BRI!

JOYCE TELLS HER TO HER FACE THAT SHE THINKS SHE NEEDS HELP AND DOESNT THINK FAITH LIKES BEING THE WAY SHE IS! FAITH GETS TO SEE THAT SOMEONE GENUINELY DOES NOT HATE HER OR SEE HER AS EVIL OR BAD! EVEN AFTER SHE HELD HER HOSTAGE! AND SHE NEVER GETS TO APOLOGIZE OR MAKE AMENDS OR DO BETTER BY JOYCE. IM SO UPSET

yeah dude......

Look, Faith's relationship with Joyce is a parallel of her relationship to Buffy, in a lot of ways. Joyce represents the life Buffy has that Faith wishes was hers. Their first meeting is that dinner at Buffy's house, it's Joyce sitting across from her and asking about her life, being visibly delighted by her answers. It's Joyce feeding her. The moment Joyce leaves the table, Faith turns to Buffy. "She's really cool, huh?"

It's only like a scene or two later that we get one of Faith's first and only comments about her family. "My dead mother hits harder than that!" after she's hit in the face by a vampire. Oof.

The nice house, the watcher, the mom that cares, the friends - all these things Buffy has, that Faith covets. All things that Faith eventually resents her for.

There's something unhinged and sad and desperate in the way Faith tries to appeal to Joyce, when she's holding her hostage in This Year's Girl. I mean, it's absurd and that typical Faith mixture of hilarious and pathetic, but pleading with Joyce, trying to earn her validation again - "Buffy dumped us." Maybe that scene would have been different, if Joyce agreed, if Faith could have been convinced they were both victims of a similar heartbreak. Probably not. But maybe.

And like you said, what comes after - Joyce's sympathy, her worry, defending Faith after being bound and threatened by her. It throws Faith so badly. It gets in her head.

By season 7, Faith has cultivated a lot of self-awareness and a lot of self restraint. Buffy's life, and Joyce in particular, has always been a sore spot between Buffy and Faith. She would know better than to make this about her.

But it would have to sting, being in that house with an apology in her throat for a woman who's never going to hear it.

#replies #stagrunner #faith lehane #sorry it took me ages to answer stag i was. D-prest

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stickthisbig · 4 months ago

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Sooo the biggest positive news in my life right now: I came out as nonbinary at work!

I had a whole thing here but it got really personally identifiable. Read more instead.

Anyway the upshot is that while some people in my organization have known since like 2019, my supervisor and our boss found out (with my consent) I guess about 6 months ago? And I finally couldn't take it anymore, so I ended up coming out to my boss. I've been really nervous about it and not really knowing how things would go, because I live in a very conservative area and my boss, even though he is very liberal, is a very religious person.

But we were at an event, and the only other openly non-binary person in our organization referred to me as they, and I had this moment of, oh I could have this all the time, and it wouldn't feel like a knife was being stuck in my ear all day.

So I came out! My boss was super supportive, and he would have been totally behind me if I had wanted to make an announcement or put my pronouns in my email signature or whatever. Honestly I felt really valued and really respected? And I'm really grateful that this is what happened.

So here are my two main takeaways:

1. I was going to say that I am very lucky that this is what happened, and I am very lucky. I live in a very conservative area, and many employers, including other organizations like mine, would have just found a way to fire me. But the reason that it happened like it did was really because I have maintained a commitment to being as authentic as possible. When I started it was still legal for an employer to fire you for being queer. (We are also an at will state, so you can get fired for literally anything, but we're all given additional protections.) I refused to go to work for an employer where I couldn't be out. And I am lucky that such an employer still exists in this area, but I'm the one who made this happen.

2. I didn't know how much being misgendered upset me until I wasn't as much anymore. I knew that I didn't like it, but the psychic weight of hearing myself referred to incorrectly over and over every day was just so much worse than I thought it was. I was so upset about it that I was trying to convince myself that I had never been nonbinary the first place, but it turns out that when people like actually respect your personhood, shit gets way easier. I've found it also it stops misgendering outside of work from hurting so badly? I am a workaholic, it is just part of my personality, I will find a way to do it no matter where I work, I spend way more time with my coworkers than my friends or my family. Having that space where I can just sort of breathe for a minute has really helped me handle the fact that like I will probably never be able to gender myself correctly in front of our partner organizations. What do I care if the Yoknapatawpha County Board of Supervisors calls me ma'am, they suck out loud anyway.

So I literally never thought I was going to reach this point, but I am so glad that I did, and despite the fact that I feel not great because of a bunch of other stuff that's going on, that piece of it has made my burdens just a little bit lighter. A+ do recommend even if it takes you 5 years

#nonbinary

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cinderella-ish · 7 months ago

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The Intersection of Purity Culture and OCD

(Reposting my comments on this post, because they were getting cut off in dashboard)

The ways purity culture intersects with OCD are striking.

Let me tell you about what it's like to be a person with OCD. Our brains are thought-generating machines. We think more thoughts than we can feasibly process.

Most people are able to filter out the important thoughts from the random, background thoughts. A person with OCD will latch on to some of those random, background thoughts - usually the absolute worst, most upsetting ones - and ruminate on them.

We do this because we care about whatever that thought is. In my case, I obsessed over causing harm. I constantly worried that I had hit someone with my car but didn't know it. Or that if I were ever near a dangerous item (an axe, a chainsaw, or a firearm), I was sure to hurt someone badly. I was in a state of constant vigilance against my own actions and thoughts, and I was convinced I secretly wanted to hurt people even though that was literally the most upsetting thought to me.

And then, when we find a compulsion that temporarily soothes the thought, we repeat that ad infinitum, hoping we'll rescue ourselves if we just do the thing just right, or enough times, or completely for the rest of time (as in the case of an avoidance compulsion). I just had to never be near a chainsaw, or an axe, or a firearm, or a car.

Thinking these things didn't ever mean I wanted to hurt people. It actually meant exactly the opposite. I was obsessing over those particular thoughts because they were so deeply upsetting to me.

I now own a cleaver, and I'm comfortable using it in the kitchen and sharpening it myself. (I know this is not revolutionary for most people, but to me, a cleaver is just a mini axe. Those things are were scary!)

I now know those thoughts are a normal part of having a brain, and exploring them in a safe way (i.e.through fiction) is actually incredibly helpful to me, because it allows me to have agency as I explore thoughts and concepts that used to trigger bad obsessive spirals. For example, when I was going through exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP) for OCD, one of the exercises I would do was carrying one of my intrusive thoughts to its natural conclusion.

Well, what if I DID hit someone with my car? Well...first, I'd try to help them, call 911, administer the first aid I know, etc... If I was at fault, I might face charges, which would be a hardship. It would be harder if the person I hit suffered serious harm. I would have to live with that for the rest of my life. And of course, it would be even more painful if the accident happened without me knowing. BUT worrying about it constantly won't actually change whether it will happen. I've now given enough of my brainspace to this, and I won't need to worry about it again unless it actually happens.

I imagine the current purity culture must be incredibly hard for people whose OCD is not managed, and may be pushing people with a propensity for OCD into some bad spirals.

There's also the fact that survivors of trauma often use role play or fiction as a way of working through their trauma.

And NO ONE should have to disclose their trauma or medical conditions for their engagement with fiction to be "valid." Everyone worries sometimes, and fiction can be a way to work through those worries.

Fiction can also provide catharsis, especially tragedies and "dark" fiction. We all need to be able to experience the full spectrum of emotions, and fiction can help us do that.

I also think it's totally valid to criticize fiction. There are a lot of pieces of fiction (all media) that I personally find irredeemable. And it's literally all problematic (because nothing is perfect!). My beloved Fruits Basket has tons of very problematic elements. But there's a wide gulf between "I won't read that" and "it shouldn't exist."

But with that said, it's important to be aware of the current climate. There's a huge difference between saying "this trope is frustrating and here's why" or "this novel by a well-established author didn't successfully make the point it wanted to make" vs. "this fanfic is Bad therefore the author is Bad and anyone who engages with them is Bad and deserves whatever consequences they get."

(Plus, I think the Netflix AtLA adaptation is proof that fiction needs problematic elements and characters to have any heart at all. Give me sexist Sokka and angry Katara and an Aang who runs away and murderous, angry Zuko any day over what we got! Characters need room to GROW! And "problematic" characters show real people there's a way forward!)

(This isn't even getting into the roots of purity culture in colonial, Evangelical Christian ways of thinking. Purity culture is, by its very nature, a tool of the oppressors.)

#purity culture #fandom #not fruits basket #actually ocd #ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #intrusive thoughts #fiction is not reality #thoughts are not actions #my post #by cinderella-ish

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fraudulent-cheese · 6 months ago

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So i finished watching TDPI (and i have a theory on why it's so hated)

Yeah, it's actually been nearly a week since i watched the finale. Took me that long to scrounge up the motivation to write this post lol

I watched episodes 9-13 with my buddy @rockin-it-rusty again, and i have. thoughts.

Honestly, Hurl and Go Seek and Scarlett Fever were probably the highlights of the season. They're pretty funny episodes, where both Jasmine and Shawn's conflict is solved and Sky and Dave's relationship hits a brick fucking wall due to Dave's own character flaws. The set-up for the challenge is also pretty unique for an eating challenge and i like the comedy! Also Scarlett Fever having an actual antagonistic force is fun.

But i'll be real: I barely even remember anything from episode 11. And i don't remember much from episode 12, either. Doesn't help i wasn't the most concentrated on the episodes themselves, but the challenges and the character relationships weren't the most compelling/interesting to me. I'll say this though, Sugar and Sky's weird little alliance was fun while it lasted.

As for Lies, Cries and One Big Prize... God, the finale's mid. Im already not invested in Jasmine and Shawn's conflict, and im not gonna be invested in this either! But i think Skave's conflict is actually interesting here! Sky kissing Dave while having a boyfriend back home she wanted to break up with but forgetting to is interesting, and even Dave reacting very very badly to being rejected in episode 9 was fun to see. It's like. Oh my god. A relationship this season having some depth??? That i don't need to extrapolate myself?? There's three things that kill it for me though.

If you've been following this blog for a while, or hell have talked to me on Discord, you KNOW i am not a fan of straight, basic romance, and that's basically all that skave is for like half the season. Granted they have a better start than jashawn, who just blush at eachother once and then the plot happens, but that doesn't mean it's any less boring to me! The misscommunications are frustating because they feel completely artificial, and they only get compelling by Hurl and Go Seek. The episode Dave gets eliminated in.

The second thing that bothers me is that Sky leading Dave on in the finale (and that is what she's doing during the final challenge since she doesn't want to date him afterwards) is out of character for her. Her whole thing is winning honestly; she literally tells Sugar two episodes earlier that she can't cheat during the challenges or else they won't have an alliance because Sky's uncomfortable with that. Why would she be comfortable leading anyone on, even if it's for a victory then? It's still cheating! You could argue it's to push a contrast between her sportsmanship and her apparently being a disaster in relationships in that regard but i seriously doubt that's what the writers were going for!

The final nail in the coffin for me though is Dave's entire reaction. It's pretty funny how pathetic he is about it in episode 9, but his attempted murder of Sky is going just a bit too far? Especially since the worst he did earlier on this season was being a little bitch and being insistent. Would i belive he'd probably not react well? Absolutely. Would he try getting back at Sky? Oh, definitely, that guy's not well adjusted. Would he try killing her? I don't think so. I don't know, Total Drama makes you do crazy shit.

But yeah, those last couple of episodes have made me realise exactly why i belive Pahkitew Island seems so hated (and by extension why World Tour is so well liked) and i think it's because of it's ending episodes. The season's peak is reached at Scarlett Fever, to the point every episode afterwards just felt way worse, both in terms of entertainment and writing. Coupled with challenges i wasn't very into, relationship conflict that wasn't very compelling to me and eliminations that weren't very convincing (episode 12 would've been so much more interesting if Sugar had gotten voted out an episode earlier. Even if i love her character!).

Frankly the attempted drama in the finale just reinforces that impression of it all being... Artificial. Not in a "The Island Is Mecanical" kind of way, in a "The Writers Are Just Forcing This Conflict" way. Like it doesn't feel like a thing the story needed, or a conflict that arose naturally from the characters' dynamics with eachother. idk.

Endings both have a huge impact on how people perceive media, as well as a lasting impression on it; it's the reason TV shows can go from dominating Pop Culture to being hated and subsequently forgotten about in a matter of weeks or months if they're lucky. Pahkitew Island is at it's funniest and most entertaining during the middle of the season and it's end arguably contains the weakest episodes out of the entire season. Contrast that with World Tour, which outside of G1 bias has it's better drama and episodes later on since all the characters it flanderized and assassinated aren't there anymore but shush As well as having good moments earlier on. Hell, if you ignore the final two minutes, World Tour can be argued to have one of the best finales and im only not saying it's the best one because both TDI and ROTI exist and have a better one. While Pahkitew Island probably has one of the worst ones. The show kinda just... Ends. Dave probably gets mauled by a robot bear and Sky, Shawn and Jasmine are off the Island and that's that.

That, coupled with the lack of character interactions is probably why people don't tend to talk about this season, which is a SHAME because it's a really fun season, with really fun characters and actually good ideas! It deserves to be explored more, appreciated more!

And with no transition at all, let's talk about my character opinions!

Dave is. Yeah, it's a whole thing. Him being more insistent in episode 9 on charming Sky at the start feels a bit forced? but it's probably because i thought the "bet you still wish i was your boyfriend" line came a little bit out of nowhere for me? Feels like it came from an earlier draft, or the writters of the episodes before it didn't keep track of where his relationship/opinion on Sky was. I do think him taking the rejection awfully and being really pathetic all episode is really funny however, and it makes skave more interesting by default to me, so it helps!

...Ok, fine, i'll talk about the finale. I'll elaborate on this in Sky's section, but it doesn't do Dave's character much favors. He feels a bit more pathetic in that episode before the existence of Sky's boyfriend is revealed, and then the whole reveal happens and... yeah. Dude seems happy by Sky possibly dying. Just feel like that's a little too far? Compared to how he was before? Idk.

I'll talk about Max first over Scarlett because i have way more to say about her than him. He's still funny. My earlier post on him is still right. His elimination is hot garbage btw, dude should've gotten kicked instead of Ella

Now, Scarlett's actually interesting, since we've gotten to the twist; i really like her in concept as a villain that is antagonistic out of a lack of morality and not just. Being a piece of shit. Then again, the whole evil vilain twist in Scarlett Fever kinda sorta entirely goes against this. Genuinely think that Max just made her fucking snap and she tried to blackmail Chris into getting the million herself because she couldn't fucking handle being around this guy. She hates him

Jasmine's fine. It's nice to see her get actual screentime, but wow she spends 90% of it glued to Shawn and it kinda sucks since i don't think i have a great grasp on her personality due to this. When i'll rewatch the season to take more precise notes i'll try to pay way more attention to her character i guess? Her clear trust issues should've been explored, just saying.

Sugar's GREAT. Seriously, she's my favorite part of the show post Scarlett Fever and it's not even close. She's genuinely funny! I love seeing her do her own thing and be a menace, it's great. The show's super mean to her about it? For some reason? I think the writters were trying to treat her like the main antagonist but she really doesn't read like one to me. Girlie deserved that spin off she mentions in episode 9. Or i guess she technically got it since she appears in Dramarama. Maybe i should watch the episodes she's in...

Shawn, like Jasmine, is kinda there for me. I do think creating conflict between these two is a good idea, but the writters just lean wayyyy too hard into the Zombie Apocalypse Nutjob aspect of his personality in episode 11 especially, it just flattens him and it's pretty sad since he's got some interesting things about him, and the way he tries to make it up to Jasmine both time they're in conflict is cute. Wish they actually communicated more tho

Finally, Sky. Oh Sky, how i wish they treated you better. Listen. In theory? I don't hate the idea of Sky having a boyfriend back home she wanted to break up with. Perfect way of adding drama to a character that didn't seem to have any. The problem is the everything with the finale. The writters make her seemingly lead Dave on during the final challenge and while she was probably going to come clean before Dave interrupts her again (which is actually a good way of showing they wouldn't work out due to him not putting in the effort of listening to her), i don't think her doing that at all would be in character. Her whole thing of good sportsmanship and winning without cheating feels off when contrasted with this. Also, girl should've really just said to Dave that she was planning to break up with her boyfriend and not to the confessional camera. Doubt that would've stopped Dave from freaking out, but at least she'll have tried i guess.

SO. I'LL ASK AGAIN: DOES PAHKITEW ISLAND DESERVE THE HATE?

NO. No it doesn't.

I'd even consider it the most underrated season of Total Drama! It just... really got fucked over by circomstances and things out of it's control. This season was written at the same time as All Stars, by like 4 writers, with a whole new cast to flesh out and only 13 episodes to do so and seemingly less ideas. You can tell that by the end, the writers really didn't care and just wanted this shit to end - the final three episodes feel like first drafts, even moreso than the earlier episodes did. And it sucks! It sucks because this season had a whole lot of potential, and it either got wasted or crapped on by the fandom at large!

I just... I wish this season got treated better, is all.

Also why the fuck does Chef only get five lines. What was up with that

#cheese posting #string cheesing #tdpi #total drama #total drama pahkitew island #td dave #td scarlett #td max #td sugar #td jasmine #td sky #td shawn #skave #because i don't hate their dynamic and i talk about it alot in this post so might as well tag it #td chef #cheese opinions

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lover-of-skellies · 1 year ago

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What about Fresh Sans?? lmao

Fresh gets a smooch-ability rating of 4. There's a fair amount of risks involved because he's so unpredictable, but if you want a more in depth explanation on the rating itself, you can find it below the cut

1) How dangerous is Fresh's mouth? His teeth aren't sharp or jagged at all by any means and they're flat, so one would assume his mouth is safe. Parasite aside, I'm giving his mouth itself a 2 for safety. I will talk about the parasite too, but it'll be in another section

2) Would Fresh bite? If he felt like being a heathen, then yes, I'm convinced he would. It completely depends on the circumstances and if he wants to get a reaction out of you. Is he aggressive? Well, we've seen how he interacts with others in Underverse. While it seems playful and lighthearted, everything he does happens for a reason. He's got ulterior motives and things you don't know about going through his head, and if he thought he needed to be aggressive for whatever reason, he's more than willing and capable of doing so. All things considered, he gets no points for this

3) Are there any health hazards to the smoocher? If you remember the fact that he's a weird little parasite that hijacks people's bodies, then yes, that in and of itself poses a threat to the smoochers wellbeing. Due to how having your mouth too close to his for too long could lead to your body being hijacked and him being an untrustworthy little turd, he gets 0 points for this one

4) Does he have a sympathetic backstory? From what I understand, he's literally just this weird parasite who popped into existence at one point, and decided to make it everyone else's problem. So no, his backstory isn't very sympathetic. He doesn't even have the capacity to feel guilt or sadness over what he does to people; he can only mimic those feelings based on what he's seen and read, which makes his entire story even less sympathetic. I love him, but I'm forced to give 0 points again

5) Does he deserve a smooch? Body hijacking, blatant lying, occasional manipulation and tampering with other people's things, then harassing others for the lolz already make him undeserving (to me), but the cherry on top is his gremlin behavior. While it's funny to watch it happen to other people, you probably wouldn't enjoy it very much if it happened to you, repeatedly, without rhyme or reason, and at random times without warning. 0 points, once again

6) Is Fresh cute or cool? His colorful outfits are pretty eye bleeding and his particular dialect and way of speaking is obnoxious at best, and completely incomprehensible and infuriating at worst. He's not necessarily a cutesy character, and his design gives me a headache to look at with all the clashing colors and neons, but I do love it, oddly enough. I have no idea why, either. His design is a very distinct one and its entirely unique to him, and he's very entertaining and spontaneous. While I wouldn't wanna deal with him myself, I do enjoy reading things or looking at art or other media that he's in. So for this, I'll give 2 coolness points

Fresh's smooch-ability rating is 4. If it's your first time meeting him, you'll be getting a smooch either way. If you've already met him, then a smooch would either make him mentally blue screen for a moment, before he cracks some kind of weird joke about it or not-so-subtley tells you not to do it again. If it goes horribly wrong at any point, you could be really badly hurt or lose your body to a purple starfish looking parasite. That risk doesn't really seem worth it to me, but hey, it's on you if you wanna take the gamble and plant a smooch on him

#anon #asks #fresh sans #smoochability rating

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emililyqueer · 7 months ago

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so... this is just kind of a personal emotional dump. i don't want to bring anyone down, you can ignore this if you just want to do the sexy stuff.

but it is an insight into me, so ya know. here it is. it turned out a lot longer than i wanted... to be honest it's sort of turned into my life story. um. sorry.

i spent so much of my life being ashamed and confused and depressed. i suppose, the thing is... i'm tired of watching other people live the life that i wanted to live.

i was brought up in a very conservative small town, in the middle of fkin nowhere. the place was extremely homogenous. no (visibly) gay or trans people, almost no people of colour. i had a single, disabled mother. my dad was very mentally ill, and he was abusive and violent with it, and even though he left when i was in single digits, he's left some very deep scars on me. i went to school under the time of the Section 28 law - which is to say, LGBT issues were banned in school, and bullying gay and trans kids was absolutely allowed to happen, or else the teachers could be seen as "taking a side" on a "controversial issue". this happened to me multiple times. i hated school. even though i started off in life with a passion of learning, going there broke my enthusiasm for literally decades.

i was queer, and i was in denial. i... sort of understood, i think?? but i realised very young that i couldn't rely on anyone, not my parents, not my teachers, not my peers. i grew up obsessed with the idea of self-reliance and some fucked up idea of personal strength. even after a university friend of mine came out, and i realised i might be trans, i still clung to these ideas, to masculinity and self-isolation. they had kept me "safe" and i felt i needed them. i abused drink and drugs because i felt empty and just wanted to fucking feel something, at least something other than anxiety and despair. it felt like parts of me were missing. most of the time, i felt either nothing, or fear, or stress, unless i was high.

i had health problems, i didn't have any energy or concentration (i later learned that i had ADD), i was depressed, and i had chronic migraines. i went to university to study a BSc in computer science, and i couldn't complete it due to these health problems.

and yeah, the health problems and depression became disabling... because of that i was constantly broke. this country, the tory party especially (but not only the tories), hates disabled people with a passion. i was into political activism at the time and the number of deaths of sick and disabled people coming out of the initial austerity era actually kind of broke my faith in society, i couldn't believe this was being allowed to happen.

as an aside - that was a choice. austerity was a choice, and it came with a body count in the tens of thousands (according to the British Medical Journal) before they just stopped fucking counting. this is a thing that actually happened in one of the richest countries on earth, and it happened as the richest people in that country only got richer and richer, and then we just... forgot, because disabled people don't fucking matter, do we? i'm sorry to get political in the middle of my own miserable ramble but these bastards need to burn in hell for what they did. fuck the tories

anyway.

because i abused my body, and i couldn't afford decent healthcare, or transition related stuff, i actually wrote off my appearance. i decided i would never be able to look good or feel good about myself. there was a brief time when i first got on HRT where i felt great about the future, but once i realised how badly i'd already hurt myself... i just gave up. for a lot of my life i was convinced that i wouldn't be here in the next few months or years, so why build a future?

my desires and sense of identity were just completely buried under a mountain of shame, self loathing, lack of direction, and substance abuse. i lost so, so many years.

so... how are things today? my living situation is crap. it's secure, but miserable. one tiny room, with mold in it which is aggravating my allergies. my financial situation is still bad, but it's not critical - i am struggling to afford some medications, but generally i'm afloat. i am, so far, just about able to maintain a small old car, which i rely on, because i live in the sticks and there's fck all public transport here. mentally, i still struggle, but it's so so much better than it was, and it is getting better. my physical health is... concerning me; i have a lot less energy than i'd like, and i'm in almost always in pain. in terms of drugs, i am mostly clean. i don't really drink, i don't smoke (neither tobacco nor anything else), but i do use prescription painkillers.

one of the bigger things is my gender and sexuality... confusing as hell, i'm in a superposition between trans woman and like... femboy, or sissy feminine man. i don't really understand it, parts of all these things appeal strongly to me on a deep, honest, fundamental level. i'm really not sure how to interpret this.

and, well, when i look at some certain sex workers and models... i feel equal parts inspired, and like i want to cry. i keep seeing people who lived the life i always wanted, and i see how fucking happy and successful they are, and i feel so many things all at once.

but... i am still here. i do still have time left. and i do know a few things about me for sure:

i am a reasonably intelligent person. i'm good with computers, electronics, and cars. i like music, travelling, and um i think i like cooking??? and of course video games. i mean duh, i'm a queer on the internet! :p

i'm determined, i don't want to lie down and die any more, i want things to get better for me, i want a future.

but i think... above all? it's the things i was ashamed of that i love the most. i love kink, i love femininity, i love showing off, i desire outrageous sexual experiences, and looking hot and changing the person i see in the mirror. i want to do porn, to revel in eroticism and queerness, and i want to take these things seriously.

so, that's what i'm going to do. that's why i'm posting this here alongside the fun kinky stuff. it's important, this is me.

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be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie · 1 year ago

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Alright we're gonna do our first big compilation of my longass notes for a friend of the blogs fic, obviously we mUST start with The Thunder Answered Back by @spicymiilk

Fair warning, I would read the whole fic before reading my notes and laughing/crying along with me. I do think you can go chapter by chapter if you wish. Also a fair warning, I usually cull my notes before posting a fic comment; I really let myself go wild here. Proceed with caution.

Chapter one I didn't have too many notes bc I was deep in it and also there wasn't too too much cringe. Idk if this is well known about me, but I can watch like, hardcore porn or gore and not flinch. I used to watch Animal Planet vet shows while eating cheese its when I got home from school, just munching away while they did surgery on little puppies. But if you write even a tiny bit of cringe it takes me like 5 business days to recover. I fully cannot look at the screen. I will leave the room if an awkward conversation happens in my tv show. I also can't not react to cuteness as well. These notes were mental escapes a lot of the time in this fic, like mother of GOD I want to die even imagining these conversations. Mortifying. Anyways.

Unhinged things I would say on the google doc but here!

DIALOGUE, dialogue, dialogue, dialogue. It can make or break a piece and it CARRIED in this one. It's so very cringe and realistic lol. Dialogue is usually the hardest for writers but I don't think our man here has this problem lol.

Great setting as well, I can feel the heat. A setting you can physically feel is so immersive, it sucks you right in, and my ass has never been to Italy but I've been on a dock and I've been in a hot thunderstorm and I can feel it all.

Obsessed with the way Spider steps into the house and Neytiri's like "dinner, gayboy??" like she was on his ass instantly skskskks. HER LITTLE SLIGHTS AT HIM?? EXPLAIN, LOL. WHAT DID THE CHILD DO? Reminds me of the time my friends mom asked me to stop calling her Chris and I didn't understand why and just blurted back "Okay, Chris." It's just so funny to me when she hates Spider in modern fics, because there's no systemic context it's just her beefing with a small child oddly lol. Having read the whole fic now, it's just Quarich's racism connection, I believe.

I am obsessed with the plight of the boys. Obviously Spider needs to leave, but I'm hoping Lo'ak escapes the military industrial complex lol. I'm so torn. I had Sully fam on the brain, and I wanted Spider's continuing relationship with them all so badly. Maybe I simply need for them to ask Spider to stay with them? Like "live with us for a year buddy, get yourself ready for college. You can do anything king but also ur part of the family, now go deflower our son."

Here is that clarifying question I asked: Did Kiri and Spider have sex??? Or did Mandy tell her about Spider's dick? OR BOTH? I simply could not figure that out. Also missed opportunity to name that character Ninat for the lols. The next generation of Ninat's beefing with and over Sully men.

Now that you've given me my answer, truly hilarious comedic content for everyone around.

Kiri, at night: want to hear about Spider’s dick?

Lo’ak, charcoal and paper out, ready to create an impressive sketch: ew, no, go ahead.

Chapter two, FUCK OFF Jeytiri flirting karaoke is adorable, that’s hilarious. The whole scene made my heart happy bUT NOT HAPPY ENOUGH not enough comfort I need more of it.

Spider turning to Lo’ak who's aLREADY LOOKING AT HIM cause they’re both like “oh you mentioned love, let me look at my best friend,” I’ll die.

Lo’ak literally BEGGING Spider to sing so he can swoon in the corner. I love this headcanon that seems to be cropping up of Spider being like a really good singer, it's very interesting to me.

JAKE UNDERSTANDING SPIDER I’ll die. Jake’s adopted that child you can’t convince me otherwise. Dude, even Neytiri fucking sees him as part of the family, I’ll scream. The tooth gem thing??? Iconic. Loved it. She’s giving Spider specifically cookies??? I’ll die. She's included him in all their shit. Not just anyone can do family game night karaoke. The karaoke, I am obsessed. Adorable. The Kiri and Lo’ak banter means the world to me. Their limp wrist agenda, the limp wrist bullying. What will he do when he can’t hold that against her? She must be unbearable to him in return when Spider isn't there. We love a homophobic gay. It's like what I said about my roommate i slept with twice (who follows me on here and we all better hope doesn't perceive this post); "I only get offended when SHE calls me slurs because I know then it comes from a place of true homophobia."

Kiri is literally begging Spider to understand Lo’ak wants him. BEGGING LO’AK TO UNDERSTAND SPIDER WANTS HIM. Kiri trying not to die at how obvious they both are. Kiri, going to beat the shit out of Lo’ak for asking about Mandy of all people bc of how far he's gone to avoid learning about that. I STILL AM UNCLEAR AS TO IF HIS ASS ACTUALLY DIDN'T KNOW SPIDER BROKE UP WITH MANDY OR HE WAS JUST BEING AN ASS.

Also fuck u for underestimating the importance of Tuk to Spider, he wants Tuk to remember him please I swear.

Also I have noted you have hinted at Spider’s praise kink. I can see it clearly. Nothing more will be said on that topic, but sometimes a praise kink simply makes sense for a character.

'IT COMES OUT MORE LIKE GAY' that was just for me, I know. So was Ninat's kid, obviously. Now that it's cONFIRMED for me I love to know that I am the target audience of all locorro fics ever.

Spider: *calls Lo’ak baby and gets embarrassed*

Lo’ak: *rebooting*

Lol Spider punching Lo’ak for saying slurs is so funny. Lo’ak's like if I say it I ain’t it, and that's on falling for the guy that is punching me for saying the slurs.

This little "I knew" reveal was CERTAINLY not what I was expecting. Not at all. A delightful little twist huh? A little trope subversion? AN EXPLICIT DRUNK CONFESSION IS SO HEART-WRENCHINGLY AWFUL OH MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED THEN WHAT DID THEY D O I MUST KNOW. "It’s not a big deal bc I… like u too obviously lol." That's the end of the sentence and the end of the communication. I was driven insane by that, I just finished XO Kitty, worst show ever, and I was reminded how much I despise when communication would solve legit every problem but it's handled realistically here. Communication is so hard for the boys Kiri will throw hands. And I brought your inhaler with me obvs cause I’m in love with you.

I’m sad about an asthmatic fist fight but it’s so appropriate. I am sad tho. I am a hurt/COMFORT bitch where is my COMFORT. I don't think my body is ready for a nocorro fic from u @spicymiilk my blog is about to become all comforting headcanons and we're going to ignore the plethora of Hunger Games ones I got today.

Now we have to sit here in this world where Lo'ak thought Spider was emotionally(?) cheating on Mandy with him if he thought they were still dating, the fucking clown idiot fool.

FINALLY, for the third and final chapter, with some bonus answers Andrei has given to my demanding all caps questions.

I’m so mean, I’m laughing at the idea of Kiri waking up at an ungodly 7:34am to Lo’ak ugly crying over Spider’s fake bed on the floor like he’s gone off and died in the war. She’s just like the pizza box community meme like uhhhh. Now I know this must happen oFTEN so I again figure that she must have gotten really good at sleeping through his ugly sobbing.

JHUST FUCKING LEAVE QUARITCH THIS IS SO ANNOYING GET OUT OF MY PLOT I’M TRYNA SEE KIRI’S TEXTS, ugh I'm so biased I despised how much he was in this chapter he should choke I wish asthma was contagious. Although, for some reason Quaritch calling Spider Lo’ak’s wife did things to me personally, The sweet homosexual love line then took me out back and popped me (I mean this in a like, Italian mafia putting me down outside way and not like, doing poppers outside a club although for some reason both are giving the same energy).

Neytiri murdering Spider for both turning her son gay and also making him sad can be something so personal. I still am in denial of every universe where she doesn't like him, and in this one I just love the idea of them slinking back to Italy having eloped or some shit where Spider now has to build that relationship but now having deflowered and stolen her son in the night. Hilarious. They must bond over talking about how stupid he is. They're so similar, how can the people with Jake and his clone not be.

Lol I also forgot Lo’ak got a black eye, that makes Kiri’s texts earlier so much funnier. Kiri was like they made out so hard he was struck with love. Developed a bruise. His gayness punched him in the face.

SPIDER KILL YOURSELF IM IN YOUR ROOM KICK YOUR DAD OUT IS SO FUNNY TO ME THE KYS SPECEFICALLY KILELD ME.

Oh my god the crying was all a lie, a fantasy, I’m so disappointed. More realistic, sure, but still. I am unclear as to if it was rEAL.

I had the cunt thing spoiled for me when I was catching up on posts I missed; never did I imagine lol. Almost as hilarious as Lo’ak telling Spider to die because he didn’t look at him, gay.

Spackle covering the hole in the wall, hmm, I wonder who punched that there?? Also abusive Quaritch giving romantic advice is making me want to puke up all my organs. I know Andrei says say the hole in the wall was nothing, but you can't have an abusive dad character and then mention a hole in the wall and nOT have us thinking that Quaritch punched a hole in the wall. Every reader is gonna think that.

Lol those Kiri texts and what she says is sO MEAN god I totally get why she did it but omg way to ruin a man over something that is not his decision or his fault. She’s just so so mad about the gays being dumb. Can’t believe she finally coughed up this info. Also the way Quaritch could probably hear all this through the wall makes me wanna die.

Speaking of Quaritch, what an interesting portrayal of their relationship. As a Quaritch hater, there's very few fics where I don't just fully skip long interactions with him. I gotta have really been sucked into the world, and I was with this one. I can't tell what of my feelings on the characters have made me biased on the relationship and what are my feelings on what the text portrayed. The feeling of too late in their relationship is there, overwhelmingly and devastatingly, but part of me found myself unconvinced by the attempts from Quartich. I literally can't tell if it's my own bias (most likely) or if it's my own lack of explicit background knowledge.

What we do learn of the past we learn in fragments, passing lines from Spider's internal monologue. They aren't the focal point of the story, but they are deeply important to the world created, and it leaves me with a feeling like I'm in an unfinished paint by numbers; I don't quite have the full picture. (Again, as I always say to you in my beta notes Andrei, these are incredibly harsh comments for fic. It's just good enough I'm treating it as though it's more lol (bc it can be)).

As to why everyone is finding Kiri mean; yeah she's neurospicy and we do clearly get the vibe that they talk to each other in this way, this casual banter that doesn't really mean anything. That being said, casual "kill yourself" or like "this is all your fault" and shit like that when the character is clearly upset and angry comes across as serious. Knowing Kiri as a character I didn't think she was, but reading it took me aback because as a standalone I don't have that context. In arguments and serious moments those words pack a punch, especially to a reader in such close third as we are with Spider in this one. We are WITH him and seeing only his thoughts and perspectives, his hurt is front and center so it's easy to feel hurt and defensive as a reader. I digress.

Lo’ak’s like every man in a crime show calling his wife to hear her voice one last time before he goes to to the dangerous mission and almost dies. He's like "I'll hear Spider's breathing and then know the US military is the way for me." Spider, the barrier between Lo’ak and the goddamn US military. That’s so funny to me. This is another reason to feel confused by Kiri's vitriol; it's not Spider's fault what Lo'ak chooses to do with his life and it is unfair to blame him. One line of her doing it I get, but she does it several times and the only excuse we get for her is from Spider.

Kiri is better than me I’m an awful secret keeper. But also maybe she could’ve coughed that bad boy up earlier, huh?

Tbh tho, on a serious writing note; it’s so well written because from the beginning we know exactly what is happening. They both like each other and Kiri knows both sides. That was obvious to me. You tell us from the get go that Spider is leaving when he turns 18, and that Lo’ak is leaving to join the military, WE KNOW WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN. And yet the train chugs on and each event sets it in motion instead of derailing it, leaving us with an inevitable tragedy we all saw coming. Well done. If I was giving line edits on a publishable work, I’d say speed up the timeline. Make the whole fic (so excluding prior events like the party) all happen like. A few days before Spider leaves. I want to feel it all in real time, up close, as it happens. No breaks in time. I also want that memory convo with Lo’ak earlier lol, so that the realization of it can hit later. And honestly, if it wasn’t fic I’d leave it with the Kiri and Spider convo. No happy ending. BUT NOW LET ME GO READ MY WELL DESERVED HAPPY ENDING. U would've been SICK for not including one.

Extremely uncommon fanfiction Jake Sully W here. It should be more common I am an unapologetic stan.

Them going to find each other is so funny to me. Kiri was personally sending them on a wild goose chase as revenge.

OH THERE IT IS THE COMMON JAKE SULLY L. Although driving your gay ass son to do an airport rom com moment at 5:45am is actually quite the parenting w, where the fuck was Neytiri she would’ve been much more efficient. I mean she wouldn't have let him go, but she would've been efficient about it.

The idea of Lo’ak making his final decision to go to the military earlier in the day and then not actually doing it until he wakes Jake up at 2am makes me cackle. Jake: you go get that dick son, your mother can kill us both later.

ALSO WHY’S HE PULLING HIS SHIRT COLLAR SO HIGH, HMMM, ANDREI??? Showing up to meet his grandmother absolutely dEFILED. Does Lo'ak even have a change of clothes, that monster.

It’s 2:18am (when I originally write this), I have work tomorrow as I do literally every day of the week, and I’m just smiling to myself at this shit. Criticism: not enough of them being happy and also I didn’t get to learn what depraved things Spider wanted to do to Lo’ak that he drunkenly told him about that Lo’ak then had to live with torturing himself (and Kiri) over for months.

Andrei's response on what Spider drunkenly said to Lo'ak for the people: The depraved things are as follows— spider sat his ass in Lo’ak’s lap, completely and utterly gone, and waved poetry about Lo’ak’s long and strong fingers for at least ten minutes. He also made sure to mention his borderline tank top kink. Lo’ak definitely did not internalize that

I just have to say; I should've expected that. Those two gay ass losers to simply lose their minds over tHAT, which is like nOTHING. A REGULAR CONVERSATION I'D DARE SAY. ONE OF THE FIRST CONVERSATIONS I HAD WITH ONE OF MY ROOMMATES WAS ABOUT HER HAND KINK, SO I RECIPROCATED BY SAYING I THOUGHT THE DWARVES IN LOTR HAD GOOD HANDS. LO'AK WAS DEAD, SIMPLY MURDERED, A BLUSHING FOOL OVER THAT.

Lo'ak, stumbling into his and Kiri's room: Spider confessed his love for me and said... depraved things.

Kiri: OH MY GOD WHAT DID HE SAY.

Lo'ak: He said he likes my tank tops... I can barely speak of it out loud.

Kiri: Oh. 🙄

Also lowkey Kiri has to be enraged they’re normal now that they’re away from her. ALSO DOESN’T THAT BITCH LO’AK HAVE SCHOOL?? Hilarious all around. Lo’ak brings Spider back because they cannot be apart and then keeps him in his and Kiri’s room for the next year until he finishes high school. They see how long they can go without Quaritch finding out Spider’s nearby. Kiri hates them so much, especially now that they fuck in her space.

Andrei said in response to this: Lo’ak finished school in Florida!! Pulled a fast one on the school system and said hey I’m smart enough to finish like two classes here. Kiri didn’t speak to EITHER of them for months. Neytiri would call to check up and Kiri would be whining in the background about how she’s betraying her

They make up when Spider saves up to get her a ticket to visit them for a summer 🤸

The idea of Lo'ak never returning is so funny to me in so many ways. First of all, Spider dropping him off and picking him up like he's the sexy older boyfriend in every romcom ever. Second, the idea of Spider bullying him for having to go to school still. Three, they just squat with Spider's grandma, and she's like god I expected one gay loser not TWO. Four, Neytiri calling to check up just resulting in her and Spider both bitching about Lo'ak and Kiri respectively here is how the Neytiri and Spider fanboys can win-

Also, the idea of someone having to tell Neteyam about this makes me want to cry real tears of laughter. He’s in his first semester of college someone free him.

Andrei said: Let neteyam live in blissful ignorance. He knew Lo’ak was a raging homosexual for their entire lives and the second he saw spider he was like. Oooohhh okay. And then he never looked again the mental strength required to deal with it was just too much

Kiri, on facetime: so Lo'ak followed Spider-

Neteyam, opening a textbook in his Harvard dorm room or some shit:

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