#I changed some things up to hopefully make the post more appealing?? I guess we’ll have to see

[frostbitedoesart]

This animatic is a direct continuation of the Sampard chatfic I wrote a while back! If you’re reading this, GO READ THE CHATFIC FOR THE FULL CONTEXT! Once you’re done with that, if you’re interested in seeing how the story progresses (or are generally interested in Honkai: Star Rail), hit me with a follow at frostbitedoesfanart (or here, if you want)!

Written story to go with the animatic is under the cut!

As they sat on opposite sides of the staircase, Sampo pulled his legs up a bit, slouching over and resting his head against his arms. His emerald gaze met the icy blue of Gepard’s, prompting him to smile up at him.

The sight of Sampo smiling was familiar to Gepard. It was practically his default expression; no matter the circumstance, one could expect that look of faux innocence to be plastered on his face.

Gepard had always seen that smile as a tool of deception, but this time…this time, it was different. There was something about the way he was looking at him that felt genuine. More genuine than he thought was possible from someone like Sampo.

It should have been strange, unsettling, even…but for some reason, Gepard instead felt a sense of comfort wash over him. A reassurance that maybe he hadn’t slipped up by giving Sampo the benefit of the doubt; a hope that the conversation they had had before was as genuine as this smile was. Before he knew it, the corners of his lips twitched up into a smile of his own.

That caught Sampo off guard. So, so off guard. His smile faltered immediately as his expression shifted into a look of awe. Gepard was—…he was smiling?

Sampo had known Gepard for years. Not in the friendly sense, but you could at the very least say they were well-aquatinted from how often they saw each other. In all those years, he had never, EVER seen him smile. EVER. But, he was smiling now.

He was smiling at him.

He swore to the Aeons above that he could feel his face turning red at the sight of it. If he wasn’t actively trying to be respectful, he would have lunged forward and kissed him on the spot.

He didn’t deserve this, did he? He didn’t deserve any of this going as well as it was. In all honesty, he didn’t care about what he deserved, though; he cared about what he wanted, and what he wanted was for things to keep going the way they were. He wanted to see Gepard smile at him all day…

But for now, he would have to settle for this fleeting moment.

[tlbodine]

Skin Thief Project Post-Mortem

In which I ramble about the WIP I just finished, and my thoughts about what I learned, what worked, what didn’t, what I’ll do differently next time. I thought it might be interesting to put this out there in a public space, because this is a phase of the creative process that’s really important but also never gets talked about, somehow? 

But I will put it all under a cut because, hello, spoilers. Don’t read this if you don’t want to get spoilered about the book!

I often express confusion at the way other people are able to write stories that follow outlines or more-or-less adhere to the vision they had in mind when they started, and I think this book is a really clear example of what I mean when I say “I don’t do that.” 

The initial spark of the idea came while playing a short indie horror game called Serena. There’s a little bit of flavor text in there that alludes to Irish folklore, and the subtext of the game has to do with abuse and possibly captivity, and somehow that made all the synapses in my brain fire off about selkies and the sort of control taking their skins affords you. 

In the stories, taking the seal skin is always a very incidental thing. But what would happen, I wondered, if someone were ripped out of it? What if the story treated the rape and kidnapping metaphor of the myth with the kind of horror it demands? 

The second thing that struck me at the time was financial abuse and other types of insidious control, and how especially rampant they seem to be in creative professions. I read accounts of dysfunctional, damaging relationships between “young, vulnerable creatives and influential men who abused their status” and thought about how that specific type of abuse was a very good fit for the selkie metaphor that was rattling around in my head. 

The skeleton of an idea came together: 

A rich, important man of some kind who takes a selkie captive for some reason

A girlfriend character who’s in an abusive relationship with the man but doesn’t realize it

To escape the relationship, she has to become aware of the selkie, sympathize with her, try to free her, and in the process realize her own bondage so they can escape together 

I had two clear scenes in mind from the beginning, little mind movies that sat fully formed in my head: one of the selkie being forcibly pulled from her seal skin, and a sequence where the selkie and the girlfriend would both turn into seals and swim away to freedom together. I had no idea what would connect those scenes or how the logistics of them would work out, but those thematic bookends formed the general shape of the plot arc. 

The problem was figuring out how to approach the story from a narrative perspective. 

At first I’d imagined the story told from the selkie’s POV, with her held captive in a more obvious manner -- tied up in a basement, maybe, kept in a cage, appealing to the girlfriend/wife in fleeting discussions. But I struggled with getting the selkie’s voice right. I wrote a chapter experimentally in her voice (it’s still appended to the beginning of the book on Wattpad) but it didn’t feel right. She’s fundamentally inhuman, from a very feral background, living primarily among seals, and having her pull the weight as a narrator didn’t feel authentic to the story I was trying to tell. It also made it hard to get any sort of interiority with the girlfriend character, whose history and abuse was so insidious that it needed to be told through her own perspective -- it wasn’t the kind of thing that could easily come across in dialogue, since so much of it is stuff she doesn’t realize is abuse. 

So then I thought of telling the story from the girlfriend’s POV. In that version, the timeline would be more protracted and the pacing more gothic. She would be a newcomer to the house, and the selkie would have been captive for a long time. I envisioned a “woman in the attic” sort of arrangement, a narrative where the girlfriend at first thought the house was haunted or something before realizing the origin of the odd noises and discovering the selkie was being kept captive. 

But that didn’t feel quite right either. The dynamic I envisioned -- the one anchored to those two key scenes in my imagination -- demanded that the girlfriend be in the relationship for a long time. It required that she slowly realize the nature of her abuse by seeing it paralleled in someone else. Having her be relatively new to the house and relationship would have shifted that to a different sort of dynamic, one where she saw what kind of danger she could be in. 

So I scrapped that idea. 

I spent a lot of time afterward kind of missing both of those perspectives and the stories they contained, and wondering if I missed the mark with the approach I finally chose. I guess we’ll see how it does with test audiences on wattpad and how I feel when I come back to it after a cooling-off period. 

What I ultimately settled on was an alternating POV between the girlfriend and the man, leaving the selkie’s inner world to be more of a cipher. I thought it would be more interesting (and chilling) to see the way a rich, powerful, abusive man would justify and rationalize his actions. I think he’s a very frightening character, and one of the more disturbing perspectives I’ve ever written from. Through to the very end, he is convinced of his entitlement. 

That said, arranging the narration the way I did makes this a very heavy read. There are some moments of sweetness and light -- and some occasional comedic relief, courtesy of the selkie’s not understanding things -- but it’s overall very oppressive. I’m a bit worried the story is too oppressive, to the point where it’s not as much frightening as depressing and/or triggering. That’s going to require some rebalancing and consideration in the next draft. 

Some parts that I think work really well: 

The initial selkie rape/skin ripping sequence is exactly as horrifying and uncomfortable as it needs to be

The ending, which sees our two women bonded physically and emotionally, hits mostly the right notes 

The scene where the selkie is in the bathtub and just completely spectacularly failing at acting human is very funny 

Some parts I know need work: 

We’re going to need to see more of Moira and Silas interacting by themselves in the beginning, to get a sense of the creative world they occupy together and how that affects her later -- probably have the story start out in the recording studio, seeing her at work 

We’ll probably need more characters to come and go and give some better sense of both isolation and social status because right now the whole book feels like it happens in a bubble 

The time line is going to need to be adjusted; either the pace has to be changed to suit a really fast turn-around of events, or the calendar needs to be stretched and filled a bit because, again, bubble

Make this story slightly more fun??? to read??? maybe???

I’ve entered it in The Watty’s this year and who knows what may or may not come of that, but hopefully I’ll have some energy to examine the story in the future. I’ll probably leave it to cool for quite a while, though, since I’ve got the new thriller WIP + those Neverest edits I keep putting off (and don’t even talk to me about the werewolf game, that’s a whole other thing). 

[tripstaysnoided]

Flow Just Like Water

Story and writing-related transparency update and my many shames...

The Question on Everyone’s Mind

“Hey you haven’t updated No Stars over Uptown in almost a year...”

Hmm, I hate it when you’re right. (This section has been rewritten ad-nauseam to curb back the bitchiness by the way)

So back in early/mid 2018, the idea was to divorce Uptown from a person who influenced it (and myself) heavily. She was my most important audience member, the closest friend I ever had, and unfortunately someone who used her power to bully, ostracize, and hurt others with my help. I cut contact when the hurt + some self-awareness finally reached me. Apologies were made and I feel like my work will never be done with it, but there was still Uptown.

Between censored comments, entirely recasting Axel’s save, different plot threads, and a load of disclaimers, there was nothing that would scrub her influence from the story. There was no way to cleanly drop everything because of how deep her influence went. It disgusted me to look back at it, and I had to private the blog because I feared what it endorsed, even if just in the past.

I pulled back from that sims writing community. I had its main thread on the Official Forums removed too (I guess if that was a mystery to anyone). It was a surrender that I never wanted to do, but I had it in my mind that if I was gone, then she wouldn’t be there either. Uptown became this cursed item, and as I quietly retired it, I noticed that she went quieter too. Not gone, but enough to make me sleep easier at night and even occasionally say hello to old friends.

And I hope deep in my heart that no one else is getting hurt in my place, but now this is gonna haunt me all day huh!

The two paths forward...

1) Complete Uptown rewrite that I’ve been threatening everyone with all year. While it won’t ever be clean because I can’t undo time, I do have a sound outline for a story that is much more true to my actual vision and how I’ve evolved, with a few necessary boundaries in place that are going to be there for all stories moving forward: no more casting calls and no more collaborative efforts. I am not going to open myself up to this happening again, even if the people have changed.

2) Same as above, but I continue the original Uptown as a favor to loyal readers alongside the rewrite. I would try to put the effort into it that I initially did, but with no promises on an update schedule and no advertising. I did ask myself “is there Patreon but without pledging money, just the private posts function” but it could operate as part of a private forum, a members-only part of a website, etc.

Also readers of the original would be beholden to a rule of “don’t spoil the rewrite for new readers, c’mon guys”. I mean, not really, but it is a good courtesy to extend to people.

Priority on this isn’t high but you at least will see what is!

I will probably make the blog public again either way due to the many broken links on my Tumblr but we’ll see. There are other things to deal with as I shall list!

Where Life’s Been Regardless

Been spending more time with my grandpa every weekend. Life’s pretty good and he’s warming up to my dogs.

Shiny New Webbed Site

Cucumber Fields Forever is a site I own now. We have a full domain, cucumberfieldsforever.com, a blog with one post, and the framework needed to host stories the way I want to and still through WordPress. The functionality of likes, comments, and following should still be the same but you know...I’ll take feedback too...

The main blog still has an undefined purpose though I do have drafts sitting around about:

The maybe/maybe not hoax band that was on the Metal Archives and the history of Funeral Doom Metal.

The curious case of when Sims 4 babies get their genetics and my only collaboration (read: was talking about it with a friend and might quote her if needed, it’s actually a bit of a doozy)

Amazon.com’s fake dried udon noodles, an actual issue by the way.

Things I’m reading! (This’d be a monthly feature if so)

For the sake of unity, I am thinking of solutions for hosting old and shameful content there including Uptown and for the real fans in my followers feed, Eight Cicadas...a world I totally have plans for too (not really). I don’t want them to be front-and-center, and that’s why I mentioned forums/members-only content. I finally have that power! Maybe.

Ooooh but what are the costs? Not too much to handle, that’s what. 😉 (Like really, I don’t need any hand-wringing about this, I can manage my finances)

Project Queue (In Order of Confirmedness)

Outrun the Scythe: have you seen me post out-of-context Sims 3 pictures? Did you want more? Did you hope it was Linda in Custody? If the answers are yes, yes, and “meh, whatever you want”, then you’re in luck.

Outrun the Scythe is a Sims 3-based tale of a young gay man and his zombie grandma, as they are both offered separate roles of being the undying intermediaries between the world of humans and the influence of a race of space daemons. It’s pretty familiar if you’ve been following me pre-Uptown, taking some cues from stories I’ve kept under lock and key like Eight Cicadas, The Chains of Lyra, and the not-so-locked-up Ironstar Immortals (of which Outrun is just the direct sequel to sans any retconning...ah the smell of early 2013 and performative heterosexuality)

Ah, back to my roots.

It’s a hybrid of gameplay, story, and lore about my little race of daemons with a lot of my own idiosyncrasies that I’m not really ashamed of: basing it off a super-polarizing Sims 3 challenge from a site I moderate, using a lot of EA’s pre-made townies and their genes, lots of unnecessary posemaking, stupid references. It’s a comfort to have in my roster.

While the first few chapters are in the middle of revision, I have around six in the queue and will be making this public when I have ten. I’m guessing December then?

Undocumented Black Widow Challenge: I just did this for fun/forum kudos (yes, in fact I have joined many forums), there was going to be a short story but it was quickly becoming something against my code of ethics. I mean, sims die and all. (read: I had to choose between “heterosexual widow” and “widow with some same-sex marriages that still end in tragedy, reinforcing negative stereotypes to the public for the sake of me not getting bored and detached during gameplay” so there were no good choices. Except for her affair with the mailwoman, 10/10) I hope to finish this before October ends and get my medal on Boolprop, I’m pretty far through it all. I might upload the sims involved anyways. This is for TS4.

I mentioned it because it’s keeping me busy. But not for long!

NaNoWriMo 2020: Dipping my toes into that again! It’s not sims-related, just a tale of lesbians, nosy neighbors, a haunted beach house, and some light murder and kidnapping. And I actually got my brother to scout out locations for me this weekend. If there’s any demand, I can share chapters as the rough drafts are finished, especially for the sake of proofreading.

Not saying I’m publishable, but wouldn’t it be nice? Will keep me occupied for much of November.

Untitled “Dear Diary” Challenge: Tired of feeling left out of the fun on the Boolprop forums, their “Dear Diary” challenge was the one that appealed to me the most on first glance. Why? Probably once I found an idea that let it be set in the early/mid-2000′s to begin with and explore some interesting characters through diary entries (which I have mixed feelings on as a literary device but I think that’s just me saying “well I didn’t like Dracula”, yes you get bonus points for writing it like a diary)

Also writing is the one skill I’m good at across multiple games. Wanna hear me bitch about the cooking skill tree in TS4 or riding in TS3? I’ll spare you.

I guess I could have included “spending time on Boolprop with old and new friends” in where my life has been. It’s a nice lil community if also a place with its own idiosyncrasies as well. So it doesn’t feel like I’m promoting another community if/when I make a thread there for Outrun the Scythe, I want to have a couple chapters of this ready to go by Outrun’s release, though it’s not gonna be the highest priority compared to it nor as long because I think I can blast through the gameplay quickly.

This one will be played in TS4 due to it having the easiest writing skill/I dunno variety is the spice of life. And hopefully another December release.

Defunded or Forgotten?: Oh shit I actually released stuff in 2020 and told no one? I do have a “mortifying ordeal of being known” sinking feeling whenever I get a site hit because it’s not my best work (but good enough) and veered sharply into issues I may be over my head in, though I try to be a good noodle with research and listening. Maybe hiding is bad after all.

Being based off a very flawed and incomplete Sims 3 challenge I found in the annals of the Official Forums, there’s a lot of behind-the-scenes work just making sense of things. And I’m scared of working on reconstructing the house but I haven’t abandoned the project yet. The story has eight chapters so far and is pretty game-based with some additions here and there. Scared of how long it could be though!

Date for this unknown.

Untitled Sunlit Tides Decadynasty: another year-long abandoned TS3 project with a much stupider reason why. Last update was about Hua getting ready for her wedding, and I wanted to do some poses for a bait-and-switch wedding chapter because to put it mildly, her real one was an absolute disaster.

Blender decided to fuck up its interface again, I got discouraged (this probably does account for some of the Uptown delays too), and when I decided to plow forward, it was for other projects instead.

Meanwhile I played all the way to Gen 5′s teenhood and the only thing stopping me is time (it takes almost 30 minutes to load the file right now, though they’ll be looking at moving towns in a couple gens) and maybe fear of the Logic skill.

Date for this also unknown but it’s easy to pump out updates once I’m in the groove for it. My third heir had a difficult life so maybe I’m just trying to bury it.

Also I just noticed the view count there was really good and probably because I linked it here on Tumblr last year. Thank you so much guys. I can’t really fret over views on Carl’s forum these days thanks to the years-long death spiral pretty much every forum anywhere has been riding on. But it’s a nice surprise. And it’s an alright little challenge recap to read during your lunch break or whatever.

The Wawas

I figured I’d end on the real news everyone wants! Both the chihuahuas are a year and a half now and reached their adult size around a year ago. For the most part, they are happy and healthy dogs.

[clumsyclifford]

2, 5, 6, 8, 15 please -hazel

hiya hazel !!! <3

2. How many fics are in your WIP folder? i was afraid of this question. i don't have a wip folder. i am going to count manually. give me a moment please. okay i guess it kinda depends what you count as a WIP. by my count, i have 21 fics that i consider myself actively intending to finish. i have a great deal more that are simmering on the back burner, that i have plans to become motivated to work on someday but am in no rush to complete. and then i have a fuckton of, you know, snippets and ideas that aren't really anything yet but hopefully will be. short answer: So Many.

5. Show me your favorite under-appreciated fic; why do you wish it got more attention? uhhhhhh ive seen people doing this for their own fics or for others so i'll do one of each i guess!

of my own i think my favorite underappreciated fic is my waves meet your shore ever and evermore, aka the jalex breakup fic. i understand why this one got significantly less traffic (heavy angst, kinda lengthy, jalex which is a less popular pairing compared to any 5sos ones, etc). regardless i'm super proud of it. i'm not hurt or anything but if i could zap any one of my fics to make it be more popular than it is i'd probably do that one because i worked on it for a long time and put a lotta heart and soul and tears into it lmao and i am a big fan of it. also it's one of the longest fics i have on my ao3!! third longest maybe? which is neat

i guess it's kind of hard for me to gauge exactly how "underappreciated" a fic is when i'm not the one keeping track of how many comments and how much interaction it gets (i mean i don't even really keep track of interaction on my own fics outside of comments so lmao) ooh okay i was just scrolling my bookmarks and i have a contractual obligation to mention this one: We Dance Along by miss @ashtcnirwin, a fic based on change my mind by 1d because i wanted one. i have no idea if this fic is underrated or whatever but i love it and it's kind of short which means there's a good chance it is because short fics are easily overlooked but we dance along is sooooo mmmmmm it's just soooooooo mmmmmm i love it. i love it

6. What fic is on your back burner, waiting to be written when you feel your skill matches its potential? well. now you see. a couple of days ago i probably would've said frat cake. i am not sure i'm allowed to say that anymore. there are a lot of fics that i started writing, hit a wall, and then decided to abandon until my brain felt like i could write them again. post apocalyptic au, for example. or the vegas fic. i don't know if i'll ever finish the vegas fic. i'd really like to but it's HARD i don't even. yeah. we'll see.

8. What do you find appealing or unappealing about askbox fic prompts? appealing: the pressure is WAYYY off, which is always a relief. i feel like when i'm writing my own fics i get caught up in trying to build a world around the characters, and i suck at worldbuilding and i hate it. with askbox prompts nobody is expecting a detailed universe. you can just throw four guys into a car and say they're on a road trip but since you're only writing ~1.5k of their trip you don't have to say where they're going or where they're coming from. i love that. you don't have to include any defining details, which is awesome. ALSO another great thing about askbox prompts, they encourage me to think outside the box, because a lot of the time i'll either (1) get prompts multiple times and have to figure out different ways to use them so the fics aren't identical, or (2) get a prompt that clearly is supposed to have one kind of vibe, in which case i like to try and see if i can deliberately subvert whatever vibe the prompt is supposed to have. i like a challenge.

what is NOT appealing about askbox prompts is that i have so fucking many of them. and also that once i get out of the askbox prompts mindset (of not worldbuilding) (and instead getting caught in creating a Universe that is Very Good) it's hard for me to get back into it. and i have so fucking many. So Many Of Them. although to be perfectly fair what i have aren't really askbox prompts so much as prompts that were sent to my askbox. i like ones that are just lines of dialogue, those are a lot of fun and typically not that difficult.

15. What are some of your favorite tropes to write? Do they match the ones you read? i don't know! i have no idea what the answer is to this question. i don't even know how to define or identify a trope. i love friendship and i'm working on writing more fics that are just friendship fics cos honestly i think it's absurd how much i talk about friendship for someone who's posted a grand total of two friendship fics. i guess like two and a half or something. but the point is i should write more of them. i like college aus when they're written by people who understand how college works. friends with benefits when the fic doesn't include smut. anything involving kitchens obviously. the tropes i tend to write and even ones i prefer to read also change with my emotional/mental state lol like i was writing a fair amount of kinda bittersweet/angsty/ambiguous ending stuff for a few weeks this summer and i really could not tell you why i was just in that state of mind but straight fluff just felt too Much for me. now i'm into it again. it really depends.

writing asks

[eirenare]

“The Rise of Kylo Ren” + TROS theory (with TROKR pics)

I’ll probably look like a clown in 16-17 days when “The Rise of Kylo Ren” #2 releases but whatever lol—after TROS I believe even more that the former leader of the Knights of Ren (Ren) is Ben from another timeline or a future gone (more) wrong

Anyways, my thoughts on this:

1) remember the outrageous “Ben sets the temple ablaze and runs away” from the Visual Guide? I’m sure it’s probably just even more retconning (like a ton of stuff from the VD), but what if it’s literal—except it’s just that the Ben who does it isn’t the Ben we know, therefore making it true while retaining “our” Ben’s innocence. Another option (painful but, I think, absolutely plausible) is that Ben himself accidentally set on fire the temple with his rage and sorrow unleashing a Force storm. However, the way the “prologue” of TROKR #1 ends (I’ll talk about later on in this post) seems kind of like a foreshadowing that Ben (well, “our” Ben) didn’t do it...? Kind of interesting, and hopefully we won’t have to wait until issues #3 and #4 (february and march) to know about that important detail

2) this interview with Charles Soule (the writer) and Will Sliney (the artist) dedicates, curiously, the first 3-4 paragraphs solely to talking about Ren—and the article, which is from the official SW webpage (an article called “Introducing ‘Ren’ in Marvel’s The Rise of Kylo Ren”), starts like this: “they call him Ren, but that wasn’t always his name”. Which is also how the comic starts:

... Tell me this doesn’t sound suspicious as kriff and like foreshadowing

And the interview keeps going like this: “Born out of the flames,” as artist Will Sliney puts it, the leader of the Knights of Ren in the opening pages of the new comic Star Wars: The Rise of Kylo Ren #1, arrives battle-scarred and wearing a fearsome, featureless mask — a blank expression save for a smattering of claw-like gouges. Concealed within is a charismatic leader, the exact type of person who would be able to seduce young Ben Solo away from the path of the Jedi.” Then they basically proceed to spend the first 4 paragraphs talking a lot about Ren besides talking about Ben (and then, lastly, about Snoke—and, fun fact: they knew about the Snoke twist of TROS beforehand), although I think they talk less about Ben even

3) Ben being compared to Anakin while Ren is compared to Darth Vader, except Charles Soule wanted Ren to read “like a more charming Darth Vader. “A Vader who is charismatic and who is appealing. That’s why [Ren’s] skin is burned and he sort of looks the way that he does. He’s embracing the seductiveness and the damage that the dark side does. Darth Vader, as impressive and imposing and terrifying as he is, is remote and cold and distant because he has the suit surrounding him. Whereas Ren isn’t hiding behind it. He’s someone you could have a beer with, in theory.”

4) more interesting interview stuff. “Designed purposefully for the new comic series, with issue #1 out now, Ren feeds the evolution of Kylo Ren. “The entire seductiveness of the dark side poured into one character engineered for Ben Solo is Ren,” Soule says. “He’s sort of a charming evil rascal that can be really fun to write and I really like where he goes in the series. But if Kylo Ren is going to take over the Knights of Ren, which we know that’s what happens, there should be some transition.”

Also: “I think the key to writing Ben Solo is to write him as a lost teenager who is deeply in touch with emotions that teenagers often feel,” Soule says. “He feels like no one understands him, no one sees him the way he actually is, he’s utterly alone and there’s no one else out there in the universe. So when he sees Ren, he’s like, ‘Wait a minute — maybe there is somebody like me in the universe. Maybe there is a path for a guy like me. Look at the choices he’s made. I could make those choices, too, and I could be cool.’”

So... This is interesting. We have Snoke manipulating Ben to go to him, at first making himself appear friendly, while on some measure Palpatine’s pulling the strings from Snoke (I don’t think he would be like a puppet with Palps’ voice, though, given that chapter of the TLJ non-junior novelization that has a lot of stuff from Snoke’s perspective, but who knows). But then, Ben Solo’s basically obsessed with Vader... and, apparently, this Ren’s a walking dark side temptation for Ben. Well... We’ll see what happens, I guess

Also, crying inside at reading that “wait a minute—maybe there is somebody like me in the universe. Maybe there is a path for a guy like me. Look at the choices he’s made. I could make those choices, too, and I could be cool”. If Ren really was Ben from another time seeking to change things (probably something related to Rey): the implications that this has, the emotions that this has, the power that this has

Interesting, too, that it hasn’t been said if it’s Snoke who’s “the master” of the KoR (yes, they do have a master on top of their own leader), but that only gets weirder because the KoR were revealed time ago to be only loyal to their leader and to the “Ren philosophy” (which also makes possible ties with Snoke alone impossible)—so, if Snoke and the First Order aren’t, then who is it? Palpatine? Still, again, there’s the philosophy thing of following only their group leader...

Oh and: the Ren philosophy sounds very intriguing and I’m liking it a lot

(For context of the next pics: there are two brothers, being one of them Force-sensitive, and both the KoR and someone called SecSec are trying to recruit them—but the non-Force-sensitive one kills the other, which means the KoR doesn’t accept him, and Ren kills him)

5) just after that panel, in this pic below they talk a bit about “the master” here, being Ren who says it. Also it’s interesting that, after that happens, the KoR part ends with Ren saying "let’s go find something to burn”:

After that there’s a page as if this kind of prologue has finished, showing a page with the logo of the comic and all that... and then, next page it’s Ben standing in front of the fire and ruins of the temple all shocked (a note here: on that page it reads “now” and the name of the location, and the “prologue” happened “long ago”). I’d say that really looks like foreshadowing...

Now the thing is... If the KoR are not affiliated in any way with the First Order nor Snoke, and the KoR is only interested in recruiting Force-sensitives for their ranks, then how come they could’ve arrived in Luke’s Jedi temple... just at that right time to burn it down? I mean, right, there can be coincidences, but— uh, that might be a bit too much of a coincidence, perhaps? Who knows...

6) interview intensifies. “Born out of the flames”, is how Sliney describes Ren—well, thought it was worth mentioning this because guess what mythological being is born out of the flames too. Also, funny the parallel between that and the publisher’s summary of “The Rise of Kylo Ren” #3 (scheduled for February 12th): “Soon, BEN SOLO'S path will end in a place of fire and blood, and a shadow will rise to take his place. He is with the KNIGHTS OF REN now, and they will welcome him, if he can pay their price.” Well, given that “our” Ben starts becoming Kylo Ren after what happens at the temple, and that they describe Ren (referring to the former leader of the KoR) like being “born out of the flames”... this does nothing to deterr me from believing this theory, to be honest

7) more from the interview. “ The creative team engineered some surprises for this charming dark sider, a foil in many ways to Darth Vader hiding beneath his protective covering. “You expect the dude hiding his face under a mask like that to be all messed up, particularly with his body looking the way it does,” Soule says. But in issue #2 we’ll see what he’s truly concealing, a reveal that speaks to Ben on a whole other level” … This whole paragraph, I swear. Sounds like when they talked in the times between TFA and TLJ about Ben’s face behind his mask, and about his unmasking. Also, the talk about the face reveal…

What kind of “reveal that speaks to Ben on a whole other level” could it be? I don’t think they’d be referring to that with something more going on in his face, as in, scars or charred skin. In fact, it wouldn’t make sense for Ren to cover that up given that he shows with pride his scarred body

And faces of men he might know? The probabilities just lower and narrow soooo much here. We have yet to see, however, if Ben gets the reveal as a kid or an adult, which could make a difference. Still, back to “what man could this guy be”, I just can’t think of someone that he’d recognize and have this impact on him... ... And now it’s when it’s a Ben clone from another timeline, lol

8) that big panel on “The Rise of Kylo Ren” #2 where the KoR and Ren are facing Luke, Ben and Lor San Tekka, and Ben and Ren seem to mirror poses:

9) this is jut something that came to my mind, but… It still bugs me to this day the phrase “it is you” that Ben says regarding Rey on the TFA novelization (when she calls forth the Legacy lightsaber), because Ben didn’t know back then about them being a dyad, nor have we seen any mentions to him having dreamt of Rey before or anything—so maybe Ben’s encounter (encounters? Still not sure about it) with Ren involved Ren telling him something that will happen in the future? Something which could also tackle that random “which girl?”

The sad thing, if Ren was really Ben from the future? Like I said in my previous post about this teory (pre-TROS): ... that Ben would’ve literally killed himself, and therefore made true what he told Han that his son is dead and that he’d killed him (which then is reversed in TROS with that “Kylo Ren is dead, my son is alive”). That would be such a kriffing trauma for Ben that I don’t know if I could stomach it, after seeing Ben’s death in TROS... I mean, we would literally be seeing another Ben die... even if somehow his actions meant a worse future would have been avoided

Anyways my brain seems to find fuel in angst (why), because now reading “Ren” only makes me think of Ben’s name but taking on the “R” from Rey if in that future something happened to her...  (Or that the Knights would be called “of Ren” in reference to Ben and Rey)

... And now it’s when we’ve been played like a fiddle all along and the novels, with their differences/expanded material as hints (like the “it is you” in the TFA novelizations), are but one of the timelines. Can you imagine? To cite the TLJ non-junior novelization: “time is a circle. The end is the beginning”. At this point I believe anything could happen, specially after seeing TROS and how wtf it’s all that surrounds it...

10) to finish the post, the thing that made me start thinking Ren could be Ben: the hair that peeks from below the helmet looks apparently like Ben’s both in shape and color (an interesting detail is how the color of their hair seems to match in tone: in issue #1 it’s brownish for the both of them even though one’s surrounded by fire and the other by ice, and on the preview pages of issue #2 their hair is shown black). And in a universe so diverse as SW, and given that Ren and Ben are characters so connected, that’s a pretty... interesting choice. Here are some more images for comparison between Ben and Ren:

[vampexx]

Just a thought..... **There are spoilers in case anyone’s still watchin’ out......

I have seen probably hundreds of theories floating around tumblr about MLB and season 3 and I just thought that I would throw in my own :) So, ok....

- Chloe......not gonna lie, I'm not surprised. I agree with those that say that she did good things for praise, attention and bragging rights. I do think that it was an attempt to continue being Queen Bee even though she was well aware that literally EVERYONE in Paris knew her identity, she obviously didn't care. She just wanted the fame. Could she still be redeemed? Sure, but...she's still got a long way to go and plenty of work to do, with that being said, the question is......is she willing to do the work even with the bee miraculous and the idolization of ladybug taken out of the equation? That idk, we'll see I guess.

- Fu......alright so......he's gone...... :'( Marinette is the guardian now, not that she's ready for it Lord knows lol but it is what it is at this point unfortunately. The thing with Fu is.....he would always preach about how LB and CN's identities need to be a secret when.....his girlfriend or whoever she is (I can't remember her name) knew he was the guardian, even offered for them both to use a miraculous in some flashback in an episode (that I also can't remember the name of, I think it was origins but idk) to escape danger and protect the miracle box. SO IF SHE CAN KNOW OF ALL PEOPLE, seemingly not being a miraculous holder herself, WHY THE HELL can't LB and CN know!? Kinda hypocritical tbh. Anyways, now that LB is the guardian, there is literally no one stopping her from saying I'm the guardian so I make the rules now but her being as honorable as she is, she still refuses. It would just be too easy I guess if LB came to the same conclusion as the fandom and said, "We knew Fu's identity for the sake of protecting him, and he knew ours in case of emergency (as displayed in Feast).....so then it would only make sense if we knew each others identity." And I'm not sure if they knew that Fu's girlfriend knew but....that just adds to my point, which is there really isn't a reason for them not to know, but like I said I guess it would be too easy that way. Maybe now that the temple is back along with the monks.....maybe they will be the ones standing in the way of the reveal, assuming all the other monks didn’t like what Fu did regarding people knowing their identity (his girlfriend) and are far more strict with the rules. Again, we'll see I guess.

- Alllllright.....*sigh*......Lovesquare/ Drama BS. OK so, look. This whole theory on Marinette moving on from Adrien and Chat Noir moving on from Ladybug.....in MY opinion.....it's BS. THREE SEASONS of you're the girl of my dreams and Mari's intense crush on Adrien, which even though she has gotten better when it comes to communicating and being around him, her crush is pretty extreme. HOWEVER, people seem to forget that when you're 14 or 15, a crush can easily get out of control because....well, hormones....like let's be real, yes it's intense AF but is it far fetched for a typical girl her age? NO, like come on ya'll, really? I feel like that's not really taken into consideration she's still young therefore still immature, and understandably so. Same thing goes for Adrien when it comes to Ladybug. He is obsessed too, maybe not to the same degree as Mari but still, pretty damn obsessed. And between Adrien and Marinette, things started out hella awkward in season 1, but compared to season 3, she HAS grown. THEY have grown. Closer and closer over the course of 3 seasons. Them and Ladynoir too so, obviously they're on the right track. Do they need to grow as individuals? HELL YES ok, that I agree with. Mari and Adrien need ME TIME though. I personally do not believe that they need someone else to come into their lives just to be used as means to get over someone else THAT WE ALL KNOW TOO WELL they aren’t gonna do. Like it has been said that in season 4, it will be decided who wins the Lukanette v. Adrinette war......and in order to continue with the whole made for each other/ soulmate plot, and in order to carry over to the movie (that supposed to be about Ladynoir and their love, it seems) I think between season 4 and 5, Lukanette will lose, (Sorry to all the shippers, no salt intended in this post). I also noticed that it was not mentioned that there will be a decided winner for ship war Adrigami v. Adrinette, at least not that I've heard nor seen, like the other rival ships. That leads me to believe that IF Adrigami happens at all dating wise, they're not gonna last very long at all, or at least not compared to Lukanette IF that happens either. Again no salt intended. In the movie previews that have been released, especially the song, it shows that Chat Noir/ Adrien is still pretty heavily in love with Ladybug. And Ladybug seems just as in love with Chat. Note how Chat/ Adrien says his heart is in a duel, meaning his heart is torn between Marinette and Ladybug, but Ladybug on the other hand, only really talks of patience rather than being torn like Chat which makes me think.....in the movie, DOES SHE KNOW?  Talking about eternal love.....without taking into consideration season 4 since obviously it won't start until next fall, I can only assume as of right now that those feelings of eternal love or whatever are pretty extreme to be feelings for Chat Noir alone. It would make sense to feel so intensely if she were to know that CN and Adrien (whom she would both equally love at that point) were the same person. That would make sense to me. Now, when it comes to the ice cream situation in miracle queen, I like to think, like a few others I have seen post on here, that it's referring to themselves as individuals....because like Pink and Blue for Mari makes sense......Green and Yellow for Adrien also makes sense.....(side note: how the hell does orange tie to Kagami, like why not strawberry or cherry?? Idk but ok......? Whatever). Anyways, that's how I see it. I may not be a big fan of Kagami (I personally don't get the appeal, but that's JUST ME) but she deserves better than being a plot device. Same thing goes for Luka, which he's ok in my opinion. Like, Kagami and Adrien have a bond that is irreplaceable as in they were both raised in similar circumstances, and when it comes to Adrien overcoming the consequences/ obstacles that come with that? That friendship is necessary. But I think that the both of them, ESPECIALLY Adrien, don't really know the differences between friendly love and romantic love, same for Luka and Mari....ok, well maybe not Luka but Mari? Yeah. Luka and Kagami deserve to have someone who loves them and only them, just like everybody else. It isn't fair to them that they be in relationships with people we all know that they want to be with, and for however long they may last, only be for the other person to come to a conclusion that they love someone else......so really in all honesty, it all seems so needless, unnecessary, and completely f'd up. I have heard people say that Marinette and Adrien need other people to move on, saying it's healthy but I for one have a hard time agreeing with that. How are you supposed to love someone else when you can't even BEGIN to learn to love yourself and put yourself first? I think that if they both came to the healthy and mature conclusion that they need to time to themselves, and put their mental and emotional needs first for a change, that it will open so many new doors for the both of them. Mari will embrace Luka's friendship and he will inspire and encourage the creative side of her and his calm/ chill demeanor will help her with her anxiety and she will gracefully come into her own and FINALLY OWN HER BEAUTIFUL SH**!!! As for Adrien, he will be more decisive and sure of himself. He will have a better understanding of what he wants thanks to Kagami who, I think, will guide him in that department. She'll help him be not so wishy-washy and encourage him to advocate for himself when Gabriel "Trash" Agreste does SOMETHING ELSE unjust or unfair to Adrien as means to micro-manage his life. And with that he will hopefully have less stress due to his hovering father and maybe loosen up and relax, showing his dorky/ funny/ CN side while Mari becomes more confident/ brave like LB. And let me say that maybe Adrien can help Kagami grow in return, I think we can all agree that she could benefit from better, friendlier social skills and also help her learn that you don't always win/ you aren't always #1, that's not how life works. Ok, now as for the lucky charm bracelets, the theories that have been spread around on tumblr speak for themselves, for instance the ice cream matching each others charms and the thing with the red string in which, I agree with all of those. 

- To sum up, Adrien and Marinette have some serious sh** to figure out. Especially with themselves. I would love to see them interact more on a real level which will lead to Adrien no longer being able to deny that he see's her as more than a friend. I wan't them to be so close because with shi** getting crazier around them, they need each other, with AND without the mask so that makes me think that the reveal will happen sooner rather than later. I want them to rely on each other more and more, as Adrinette and Ladynoir, and they have INDEED SHOWN that they can be a bada** power couple while knowing each others identities and COMPLETELY loving and trusting each other with NO wall and NO secrets holding them back. And yes, in all fairness, Lukanette, Adrigami & Ladynoir were all suggested in the (not my) finale, however all those ships cannot canonically stand. **deep, creepy narrator voice** Only one will survive (lol sry). I personally feel that season 4 can play out either way, either with them seeing other people or not, but in my opinion, them seeing other people would be sacrificing realism (because no one gets over not only their crush, but likely their first love, in the span of like a day or so...like c’mon) for dramatic purposes which in all fairness, would not be surprising to me at all but still. Either way, it will eventually lead to a reveal which I think is likely to happen in the movie rather than season 4, I think season 4 will be about Adrinette/ Ladynoir like usual but  strengthening emotionally and mentally with aid from Luka and Kagami (and if it happens my way, it would put them both in a more favorable position than just mere plot devices but hey, what do I know). This will likely lead to Marichat being primary ship in season 4 due to Adrien having a chance to fall in love with Marinette and not just LB, and Marinette falling in love with Chat and not just Adrien. Keep in mind that during this, Marinette's love for Adrien won't be gone while she falls for Chat, and likewise with Adrien, coming to love both LB and Marinette.  Leaving both of them conflicted, blushing messes in every corner in the love square LMAO IMAGINE THE MESS THEY’LL BE!!!!  NOW THAT'S THE DRAMA I LIVE FOR LOL and Lord knows Astruc is all about that drama ya'll LOL Maybe that’s the plot of the movie? The lovesquare imploding? LOL Sounds a perfect way to end the 3 season long drama if you ask me......

- Plus, Chloe thinks Luka's cute??? LMFAO OOOOOH SH**, It's going down, I'm yellin' timber ya'll LMAO uh oh

--sorry this was long <3 thanks for listening--

HAVE A MIRACULOUS DAY ;)

[meetthefatess]

Tutorial time I guess!

This is for that one anon who asked but anyone is welcome to use it.

Part one (you are here) will cover sketching & lineart stuff in my style & part two will cover coloring & clothing. This is all digital bc that’s most of what I post 🤷‍♀️ hopefully that’s cool??

Disclaimer: I don’t really know what I am doing & all statements on what you should & shouldn’t do are in reference to my style in particular! There are no real rules so you guys can do whatever you want!

Step One: basic shapes

Okay so I feel like every artist has been told at some point that breaking things down into geometric shapes helps you draw, & my style kind of relies on that concept?

So I always start with the head & break down the proportions of the character I am drawing!

For example, I use lots of sharp, boxy shapes to draw Hades & equally sharp more diamond-like shapes to draw Persephone.

Here’s a sketch example with Hades.

Also my handwriting is so so messy when I’m drawing because I’m writing p fast but if you can’t read it on that second image, it is explained below.

I also use shapes for the structures of the face.

A square between the eyebrows to represent where the brow furrows (I use this on every character but Orpheus because when I tried it, it didn’t really work with his face)

A circle on the ball of the nose

& triangles underneath the eyes (the explanation for this is kinda long so I’m just going to skip it lol)

Note about the triangles, in that second image you can see the general shape of them changes when it’s a side profile & a smaller triangle is added above the nostril.

Most things end up being quite sharp and geometric in finished pieces

Step Two: Lineart

First of all, I try to never use black lineart. In fact, we’ll get more into this in part two, I try not to ever use pure black or pure white because I feel like it makes everything look unnatural? That’s just my coloring preference through.

Instead for lineart I use either dark red or dark blue. It used to vary depending on whether my drawing would be cool toned or warm toned, but at this point it’s pretty much only dark blue and the size of my brush is usually 1.2

& this is where it gets kind of hard to explain so I’m just going to try my best.

My sketches are quite loose and messy, I hardly ever erase, so they end up looking something like this:

& all of the real detail work comes in when I do my lineart. (Lower the opacity of this sketch & add another layer where you do your lines)

Basically I’m just winging it with the details.

So a few tips I can offer you:

Do not rely on your initial sketch, if something doesn’t look good, go with your gut & change it

FLIP YOUR CANVAS now I’m kind of a hypocrite because I often forget to do this, but if you flip your canvas frequently while you are drawing, you can pick out all of your mistakes before you go too far with them (especially faces for symmetry & anotomical issues in bodies). It’s annoying and stupid but trust me, it helps.

Keep your lines smooth! Unless you’re going for a sketchy look try to keep all of your lines solid & appealing. Also! Do all of your long lines in one stroke because breaking it up looks yucky

When in doubt, just break things down into shapes again, I swear it helps.

This is what my finished lineart tends to look like

Really I just use the sketch as guidelines 🤷‍♀️

I’ll probably talk about this a little more in part two, but I use the same sort of geometric shapes in the face to break down clothing.

Just like. So many triangles.

Okay I’ve reached my image limit so the fun stuff (color palettes, maybe some shading stuff, & more about clothing) will come in part two

Hopefully this made a little sense?

[kiribaku-some-cute-stuff]

Sero Week Day 1

@sero-week

Older Sero / Embarrassed

The Legend of DKFSTA

(posted on WST cuz I couldn’t wait on mine)

Disclaimer: 

This Fic is trash—beautiful trash which I adore and would die for—but trash nonetheless. This fic has not been beta’d in any way, shape or form. Expect type-os, punctuation abnormalities, continuity issues and possible/probable OOC issues. At the end of this fic I will give you the template in order to play this dumb game. (it’s the same one I posted last night.)

Also, I was going to add reaction images but they were breaking up the story so I left ‘em out, if you want the reaction image version hit me up and I shall post it. 

Anyway you guys have been warned lol rated T Word Count: 4.4k    

Read it on Ao3

“I’m sorry this game is called what now?” Sero asked incredulously as he joined Mina, Momo, Jirou, Tooru, Uraraka and Tsu in common room. He agreed to join in on their collective sleepover for no other reason than to make sure certain “individuals” (one individual if we’re being honest) wouldn’t mess with them. However, the girls decided to sweeten the deal by promising to watch one of Sero’s favorite movies. It was kind of a guilty pleasure movie, so the offer was pretty appealing. And well  look it may seem like a small thing but… the kid was a little lonely lately, and he was sure that this would be the one thing to cheer him up! Right?

Wrong.  

What he would soon discover, was that there was a catch. Of course there was. Poor Sero… This is the tale of how he got dragged into playing the insidious game he would ever be cursed to participate in.  

“I told you it’s called D-K-F-S-T-A.” Mina rolled her eyes

“That is not the name you used at all.” Sero said pointedly

“Well, whatever. Look it’s fun I promise.” Mina’s demonic like grin suggested that this game in particular was anything but fun.

“Mina, I love you, but your definition of “fun” is far different from others’.”

“He’s got a point.” Jirou said in a bored tone, “Although, I gotta admit the game is kind of fun. In a very dumb way. Unless you’re too chicken.”

“Are you trying to pull a me right now?” Ser asked, “I’ve done this enough times to Bakugou to know what you’re doing. But hell I don’t see the harm if you it’s alright...”

“SERIOUSLY?!” Mina screeched, “I’ve been your bestie since year one and you trust Jirou’s opinion over mine?!?!???”

“Mina.” Sero eyes locked onto hers, “Do me a favor and, think back to last week when you and Kaminari thought it would be fun to—

Mina put her hand over Sero’s mouth,“Ok-OK! Fair point! We don’t need to talk about that.”

Momo, Jirou, Uraraka, Tsu and Tooru all gave the two of them the most terrified glance. They sort of  wanted to know what Sero was going to say but at the same time… they didn’t want to know. So they just left it at that, and hopefully the actual event was not as insane as what they were imaging, but knowing the meme queens...

“Alright fine, whatever so like how to I play this? Is it like MKF?” Sero’s eyes widened when all of the girls groaned at the same time.

“Why the hell didn’t we just play it like that!?” Tooru yelled

Uraraka face palmed, “That would have saved so much time.”

“Because it’s not as scientific that way!” exclaimed Mina

“Oh yes, because the ancient method of Mash is much more “scientifically accurate.” Jirou said complete with air quotes as Momo chuckled beside her.

“Scientifically accurate?” Sero asked.

“It determines your soulmate DUH, same as MASH, but you know better.” said Mina.

“Right…”

“This is too silly I’m going to bed, night guys.” Tsu said going to sleep for the night. Everyone wished her a good night and Sero wanting this to be over so they could just watch the dang movie already. He again picked his favorite guilty pleasure movie—a romantic comedy—what? He’s allowed to like ‘em jeez! Half the damned reason he agreed to this was because a) he knew he wouldn’t be judged and b) he wanted someone to watch it with him and this was the perfect place! Oh well, this game can’t take that long right?

“Okay, guys seriously? Just tell me how to play.”

“You got it my Office Supply Guy!” Mina beamed as Sero shook his head, “So here is how you play. You give me a list of 10 people you like as platonically ONLY. Then you give me a list of another 10 people but this time it’s people you find hot—or well: attractive, aesthetically pleasing and/or who you would hypothetically/potentially would want to date. Then, you give me 2 sets of numbers 1-10, then a set of 6 numbers in random order from 1-10.”

Sero was trying very, very hard not to laugh, this sounded fucking ridiculous, “Oh, is that all?”

Jirou smirked as Tooru, Uraraka and Momo stifled their giggles

“You guys—just come on okay? I’ve been trying to get the guys to play this but Kirishima knows better, Bakugou would never and Kaminari doesn’t have the attention span for it.”

“Mina. I barely have the attention span for this, so what am I supposed to do again? List 10 friends or whatever? Also wait what do you mean Kirishima knows better, cuz I’m not gonna lie that is more than mildly concerning.”

“Duh, Kirishima and I went to the same middle school, remember?! We all got bored and played it there all the time.” said Mina “But to answer your other question yeah, give me 10 people you aren’t attracted to.”

“Okay easy: You, Kaminari, Bakugou, Kirishima—

“Noooo you can’t put Bakugou and Kirishima on the same list.”

“What? Why?”

“Because they’re dating! You match up people in the first set you name with the second—trust me it’ll all be clear when we start.”

“Mina, none of this is clear, you do realize that, right??” Sero said feeling like his eyes were ready to roll out of their sockets

“In Mina’s defense it does make more sense as you play.” Uraraka smirked. See that should have been the first sign that something was wrong with this game. Uraraka never smirked, and if he were being honest… it was the most terrifying thing he’d ever seen.

Sero sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, “okay fine, so leave them off?”

“Or you put one on this list and the other one on the, people you wouldn’t mind dating list.”

“Or the ‘hotties list’ as she called it when we she made me play it.” Jirou rolled her eyes.

“Right, okay so my list of friends who I do not want to date take two: You, Kaminari, Jirou—”

“Ouch, me I get but you’re putting Jirou on the platonic list?”

Sero went red, “I—I don’t mean I don’t think Jirou’s unattractive I just—Jirou and I fist bump, I feel like once you’re in the fist bump zone that means you’re buddies for life and that’s kind of it and I—”

“Mina, can you stop torturing him?” Momo asked.

“Yeah, otherwise we’ll never get to the actual game and then no movie.” Jirou yelled in Sero’s defense, “No worries Sero, I feel exactly the same way.” Jirou fist bumped him in solidarity, besides she’s ashamed to admit it but she was pretty excited to see who Sero would be matched up with in the end.

“Okay. Fiiiiiiiine. So Sero on your first list you have: me, Kaminari, Jirou and you need 7 more people.

“Seven… right, uh…Tokoyami, Tetsutetsu… um… shit this is hard!”

“Right?!” Tooru squeaked, “It’s actually really hard to list all of these people! Oh but yeah you can totally list us under the friends list.”

Sero blushed, “Well… like what if I dunno I’ve had a crush or two on some of you—from like first year.”

“Oooooh who?!”

“Uraraka and Momo…”

Momo and Uraraka blushed, “Aw Sero!” Mina squealed.

Sero, realized he should have trusted his instincts. This insidious “game” was a trap. “H-heh, so okay how many more people do you need?” look into editing

“Well, let’s see, we have you—

“What? I didn’t list myself.”

“Yeah, I listed you—MASH rules the host can add one person to each list—now shush. You have listed: You, Me, Kaminari, Jirou, Tokoyami, Tetsutetsu. Great! Four more to go!”

“Tooru, Uhhhh… Oh! Camie, Inasa, and Shinsou! Done.”

“With the first list you are, and aww I’m glad you and Shinsou are friends! I feel badly that he didn’t get moved up to the Hero class sooner.”

“Yeah me too he’s a really great guy, and wait I gotta do the same thing in the other list?”

“Yep! So if you would please list of the people you could potentially see yourself being with, and/or you find cute.”

“Aw Jeez, what is this the most complicated game known to man?” Sero said exasperated AF, “Fine. But Mina? I’m giving you this list once and only once and if you miss somebody then that’s your fault and you have to fill in the damn gap.”

“Ok, ok, I got it… go!”

“Uhhhhh, ok, Momo, Kendou, Uraraka, Iida, Shouji, Ojiro, Awase, Shindou, and um… um. N-Natsuo?”

“Natsuo… as in Todoroki’s older brother?”

“Yeah, I mean, I guess? I mean he’s pretty cute, and I’m running out of people to name.”

“He’s four years older!”

“Again, you said people I thought were cute! He’s cute it totally counts! I’m not saying I’m gonna jump his bones or anything! Anyway, that’s ten right?”

“Nope that’s nine but since you choose a slightly older Todoroki, I am putting our Todoroki.”

“Y-You can’t do that.”

“Oooooh yes I can and I am.”

“Fine, I change those last two, to um—um…”

“Nope, no take backs and you took way too long on the friends list, this is the list of hotties you are stuck with.” Mina gave a mock innocent smile

“You’re only freaking out about it because you have to deal with Todoroki being on the list.” said Jirou struggling to hold back a laugh

“And the only reason he only put Natsuo on because it’s safer option.” Momo said coyly, “ You chose him because it means you wouldn’t have to say Shouto.”

Sero went red, “What does that have to do with anything?”

“That you like him… a lot” Uraraka chirped

“I do not. I mean yeah we’re friends, just friends.”

“Mhmm… sure.” Tooru laughed

“You guuuuuys!”

“Seroooo!”

“Ugh, sure whatever you say can we just finish the stupid game? Random numbers?”

“Yep 10 random numbers 1-10 2x plus 6 random numbers 1-10” Mina clicked her pen a couple of times and Sero rolled his eyes for probably the umpteenth million time during this dumb game and spouted out numbers. What the actual fuck had he been thinking when he agreed to this shit?

“Alright! Now we can start!” Mina squealed with glee, “So here’s what’s going on, the first two number sequences you gave me? Well, they match up to names on either of the two lists. So I’m going to give you two names aaaaaand you’re going to tell me if you’d think they’d be a good couple or not.”

Sero blinked, “What?”

“Sero, you’re not a dumb guy, stop acting like it. Okay, you for example got paired up with oooooh Shouji.”

“I’m going to say this again. What?”

“So your name was first on the friends list, and when you gave me the list of 10 numbers you said the number 2 first. That effectively gave you the number 2 and on the other list, you named Shouji fifth but in the number sequence you said the number 2 fifth. Hence you getting paired with Shouji. So now I’m going to give you couples based on number matches and lol you’re going to tell me if you think they’d be a cute couple or not, and I record your answer as yes or no.”

“Okay, I suppose that makes sense… so what the fuck does D-K-F-S-T-A stand for.” Sero filled with dread the likes of which he had never felt before, When Mina answered. “Oh that, heh you’ll see.”

Sero swallowed hard, “O-Okay?”

“Great, so do you see you and Shouji together?”

Sero did not miss the fact that they were all silently laughing at his misery, he also didn’t miss that he was going to have a fun time explaining all of his answers, “Yes…”

“Oh my god I knew it.” Tooru squealed

Sero groaned, “He’s a nice guy okay?!”

“Right and kissing him during truth or dare last month has nothing to do with it?” Jirou playfully punched his arm.

“Sh-Shut up Jirou! Unless you want me to pull out some receipts on all of you.”

“Fair enough.”

“Ok, ok next, oh oh wow lol nope,” Mina laughed.

“What?”

“Me and Ojiro.”

“Oh, definitely not, Ojiro deserves better.”

“HEY!”

The room burst out in fits of giggles.

“Kaminari and Iida.”

“Huh, yeah kinda—wait actually nope, def not. They get along super well and I love both of them a lot but I feel like they’d be missing chemistry?”

“Oh same,” said Ochako.

“Right?” said Sero

Mina wanted to get to the “good” part of the game so she interrupted, “Jirou and HA! Natsuo.”

Before Jirou could even open her mouth Sero said “No. I didn’t realize it was gonna be like this, you guys were right he’s way too old.”

“Not old enough for you to have a semi crush on him.” Jirou smirked

“No, that’s Todoroki Shouto you’re thinking of.” Momo giggled

“Would you guys shut up about that? Look okay yes, I’ve stayed over at his house a couple of times and yes—”

Mina’s widened in shock “He let you stay at his house?!”

“Well uh—yeah when his dad’s not home. Listen remember during our last break? My parents got the dates all mixed up, and they were out of the country. I was just gonna stay at the UA dorms but Endeavor was on a mission in Osaka and Todoroki insisted I come home with him. Natsuo and Fuyumi are really nice, I actually owe them my weight’s worth in grocery money for sure but they wouldn’t let me pay for anything. So—why are you all looking at me like that?”

“Oh nothing” Momo smiled oh-not-so-innocently

“Absolutely Nothing.” Jirou shrugged her shoulders

“Not a thing.” Uraraka said her hand propping up her chin in mock contemplation.

“Nothing at all.” Tooru hummed

Mina didn’t care about subtlety and just plunged in, “So... you’re like sure there’s nothing going on with you and Todoroki?”

“Is this seriously what we’re going to be talking about the whole night?” Sero said desperately trying to calm himself down to rid his cheeks of the epic blush that was currently decorating his face.

“Depends, when you uh stayed over at his place… did you guys sleep in his room?”

Sero opened his mouth to offer some sort of a response but his words died before they could reach his lips. He instantly made a tight lipped smile and refused to look at any of them.

“OH MY GOD!”

“It wasn’t like that!”

“Honestly Sero, you are hopeless.” Mina shook her head, “Okay, Tooru and Kendou.”

“No, not really, you guys don’t talk enough.”

“Yeah that’s fair.” Tooru yawned in agreement, “Aw man... guys I hate to tap out early but I’m exhausted, pleeeeease you have to tell me how this ends.”

“Oh you know it girl, sweet dreams!”

They all wished Tooru good night which luckily let Sero have enough time to collect himself for the next onslaught of questions. He thought he was prepared, he thought it must be close to finishing right? He could do this… well that’s what he thought before he heard Mina cackle.

“Oh god who with who” Sero dreaded asking.

“Tokoyami and Uraraka.”

Everyone cracked up at that because well no matter who Uraraka ended up with, unless it was with Midoriya it was gonna be a no (and the boy wasn’t even listed).

“Lol nope, she has eyes for only one person on this earth.”

“Sh-Shut up!”

“Oooooh ok, I see, so it’s okay to humiliate me, but not you.”

“Well duh I’m not the one playing the game.”

“Yeah well—

“Sero stop arguing with Uraraka, the faster we get through this the faster we can—Oh My God,” Mina struggled to keep a straight face, “Shinsou and Shindou.”

Everyone cackled, and admitted to himself internally that maybe this game wasn’t that bad.

“You know what? Weirdly enough, I kinda see it. If only for the reason that Shinsou wouldn’t let that smug good looking asshole get away with shit.”

“You do realize you and Shindou kinda look alike,”  Momo offered.

“No we don’t?”

“You kinda do though,” said Jirou.

“We do not, what drugs are you all taking?”

“We aren’t on drugs, you guys do look a little alike and It’s not a bad thing.” Ochako chimed in.

“I’m aware, he’s nice looking, but I mean we don’t.”

“Sero…” Mina for the first time that night gave him a soft look.

“What?”

“We know why you’re saying that, you’re good looking!”

“I’m fine looking.”

“Sero.”

“Moving on please.”

“Ugh fine, oh! Camie and Momo!”

“Awwww, that would be kind of adorable.”

“She is pretty…” Momo sighed wistfully

“You know I could set something up, right?” said Sero

“No no! That’s okay!”

“You sure?”

“I could set you up with Todoroki,” Momo countered.

“We room next to each other so like lol if that were ever to become a thing, which it won’t. I swear I’m a big boy, I’m more than capable to do it on my own.”

“Yes, because you’re so good at telling someone you like them,” said Jirou.

“You know what Jirou? Those who live in glass houses…” He gave her a pointed look causing her to mutter some choice insult phrases Sero’s way.

“Moving on,” Mina hastily smoothed over, “Oh! Inasa and Todoroki.”

“Yeah I can see it heh,” Sero shrugged, “considering they dated for a bit this summer.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, they like had a lot of fun and like I-I dunno they kept trying to make it work and it was really hard though... because of the distance. But yeah like yeah they were a thing, I think they ended it for good but I don't know...” Sero shrugged, "I'm pretty sure Todoroki, Bakugou, and Kirishima were supposed to meet up with Inasa tonight, maybe Camie too. They might get back together, and like that would be nice..."

“Oh Sero…”

“Why are you “Oh Sero-ing” me? They make each other happy, plus it’s not like I have a stake in this.”

“Sero, it’s okay you can admit you like him, who are we going to tell?” Momo asked gently placing her hand on his back. Sero couldn’t look at her so he just responded with, “He’s my friend. How many times do I have to say that? Of course I like him, but like just as a friend. I didn’t put him on the other list you guys did, anyway...” The girls gave him a look but Sero gave them his winning smile, “who is next in this crazy game or is that it?”

“Alright…” Mina hesitated, wanting so very desperately to make sure Sero was okay. Yeah they messed with each other a lot but Sero was family to her… but the boy was stubborn as hell so she just moved forward. “Okay! Oh god! Satou and Awase!”

“LOL nope. They’d like run out of things to talk about in 5 minutes or less, so is that it?”

“No! Now, we get to the really fun part.”

“The really fun part? Oh hell, the fuck is “the fun part.””

“Yup give me 6 random numbers 1-10.”

“Mina, you totally made this game up.”

“I DID NOT! You can ask Kirishima!! I swear! We played this in middle school all the time!!!”

“What hell dimension did you guys go to middle school???”

“Oh just come on!!! You’re taking forever!”

“Because you keep talking!”

“This is ridiculous,” said Momo, “Give me the notebook Mina I’ll do it from here.”

“Oh good idea he’ll answer you without a fuss.”

“I’m not making a fuss!”

“Kinda are.”

Sero rolled his eyes and gave the random numbers to Momo, “Ok what do I need to do now?”

“Answers these honestly AND you have to explain your answer.”

“O-Okay?”

“Would you date Ojiro?”

“No, I mean he’s awesome but… it’s just… I know he has a crush on someone else and it would feel really weird if I went in there and asked him out. Like it just seems very inconsiderate and like… you know why bother asking a friend you know isn’t into you out? It will just wreck the friendship, and yeah, like who wants that, you know?”

There was a collective aw from all of the girls and Ochako reached out for Sero’s hand, “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about feelings you may or may not have for someone?”

Sero sighed, “I appreciate your attempt at ambiguity Uraraka, but um, lol yeah we’re not going there, because there are only so many times I can tell you all he’s just a friend without taping you all to the ceiling.”

“Okay would you kiss...” Momo blinked before continuing. “Oh me!”

“I would.” Sero smiled and kissed Momo on the cheek.

Momo giggled, “Aw shucks Sero.”

He snorted, “Never say that again.”

“Yeah I regretted it the instant I said it, thank you for the kiss.” She playfully shoved his shoulder with his.

“Oh anytime lol.”

“Okay would you go to First Base with Natsuo.”

Sero’s eyes bugged out of his skull, “Nooooo. DEAR GOD NO! Like you guys said he’s like 4 years older! AND I DIDN’T  REALIZE IT WAS GONNA BE LIKE THIS!!!”

“Right well, now you know for next time.”

“What makes you think I’m ever playing this stupid game ever again?”

“Because it’s ridiculous, it’s fun, and again it will determine your soulmate!" Mina said in a sing-songy tone, "Now. Would you go to second base with Awase.”

Sero went pale as a sheet, looked away and mumbled out his answer.

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“I said… w-well, since it’s already happened I guess I gotta say yes.” Sero rubbed the back of his neck

“I’m so sorry, what?!?!!!?” They collectively screeched

“Uh. Details. Now. When the heck did this happen?!?!?!!!” Jirou demanded

"Ugh, ok... so... remember that time we had training with 2-b last trimester? The one off campus? We had that party? Awase and I got matched up for seven minutes in heaven and like neither of us had really kissed someone with tongue before… So like yeah we um started kissing and um then… u-um well... like we progressed to um making out and it was n-nice.” Sero swallowed hard, “And OK SURE maybe we got a little carried away in the moment—but like!!! IT WAS ONLY THAT LIKE ONE TIME AND NOTHING HAPPENED WE JUST MADE OUT and had somewanderinghands BUT NOTHING BELOW THE BELT!!!”

“OH MY GOD HOW HAVE YOU NEVER TOLD US THIS BEFORE?!”

“WELL YOU WERE AT THE PARTY!!!”

“Oh my god this makes so much sense now, you looked like a rumpled mess. Did you guys ever try dating after?” Momo pressed.

“W-we might have made out a couple more times, but that was it. There was kind of no romantic feels there, as much as I wanted there to be then I could have just moved on from–”

“From?” asked Jirou.

“Nothing, no one, it doesn’t matter. Next question?”

“Would you go to Third with HA omfg Shindou.”

“Well for one, ew no. You guys said he looks like me and I can’t ever unsee that and it’s so weird to think about now. And two, he is much of an asshole as he is amazing to look at, absolutely not. Can you imagine? He’d allude it to everyone anyway. Not say it outright because you know “his image™.”

“Oh god what a nightmare yeah, besides he doesn’t deserve you.”

“Awwwwwww Mina, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“IT IS NOT I’VE SAID PLENTY OF NICE THINGS TO YOU IN THE PAST.”

“Uh-huh after you’re done torturing me that is.”

Mina gaped at him like he’d just slapped her, “RUDE.”

“Okay Sero, last one.” Momo laughed and then her eyes widened, “Oh my god. Okay just know that I did not do this on purpose. This is actually just who you got.”

“O...kay?”

“Would you go all the way with Todoroki?”

“Wh-what?”

“Would you–

Sero blinked, and interrupted, “No, I’m not answering that. There is no right answer for that. If I say no, you’re going to say I’m in denial or some bullshit.”

“You are totally in denial,” said Mina.

Sero glared, at Mina before sighing, “And if I give you my logical answer, you’re gonna make a big deal out of it and I’d rather not do this. It’s–look can we just pretend that like I said whatever you want me to say and we can move onto the movie or something?”

“But after you finish this one then we calculate your “soulmate”, with you know science.” Jirou smiled

“Right. Science. Weren’t you the one to point out how BS this concept of “MASH science” is?”

“Well yeah but this is the last one and like we don’t mean to actually bother you about this.”

“Aw yeah, come on Sero, we promise we won’t make this into a big deal. Besides it’s not fun to poke fun if you’re not actually having fun ya know?” Mina gave a very OVER enthusiastic grin, which melted Sero’s misgivings

“Oh alright.” He took in a deep breath, and rubbed the back of his neck. “Hypothetically? I would–hypothetically–b-because we’re friends and I know he wouldn’t laugh at me, or make me feel more self conscious than I already am. And that yeah, it would be awkward as hell, and sure it would be ridiculous, but it would be like nice? I don’t know, I just trust him, and I think if hypothetically we would do that… then like it would maybe even be fun? Or… I don’t know I just can’t really see even saying yes to anyone but him...” When he looked up he saw the girls’ mouths gaping, and he instantly looked away completely missing the girls’ waving and signaling for him to STOP.

“I-It like wouldn’t be weird I guess? Again, like I trust him and I-I dunno. I just think going all the way with Todoroki would feel natural instead of… terrifying ya know? And--”

Finally Mina screeched, “HI TODOROKI HOW’RE YOU DOING?!”

Everyone went completely still as Sero turned around with a breakneck speed only to see that Todoroki was not in fact out with Kirishima, Bakugou, Camie and Inasa. He was instead, standing right behind him looking pretty bewildered slapped across his face. All that could be heard next was Sero softly uttering, “o-oh fuck.”

[feynites]

@selenelavellan said:

poor fear   i laughed really hard at this though   fear is one of those cats who's tried to claw a hole through the bathroom door 100%   selene has talked to eight different vets about her cats anxiety issues   nothing has helped   she'd have to bring them in and fear is never going to get into a carrier lbh   they'd shift first   'NO NOPE IM NOT GOING IN THERE'

Much as I also like the idea of Fear giving them away, this went in a slightly different direction.

But hopefully still good! So have some more Cat Shenanigans:

Fear can tell that Selene is trying to get them to go into the Trap Box again.

 They have reports from the others on what happens when one gets inside, and is successfully closed-in. The first time the Trap Box appeared, Affection had rushed into with their usual eagerness, happy to find a new blanket and a toy in the back. Selene had closed them into the box, though, and taken them away - much to everyone’s distress.

 But Affection had returned a little more than an hour later, speaking of a trip and a strange place that smelled of many terrible things, but that hadn’t, Affection insisted, ‘been bad’. There had been another woman who had seemed to examine the health of Affection’s feline body, and had proclaimed them hale.

 The next to be taken in the box was Des, who elected himself to go. Des’ accounts were mostly the same, but Fear was not satisfied that these excursions were wise. It seemed like too many things could go wrong. What if the Trap Box was stolen from Selene? What if the Vetarinian proved treacherous? What if Falon’Din came back while one of them was trapped and unable to defend themselves from him?

 The Trap Box was too small and tight, turning into a larger form while inside it would not work. And the mesh bars at the front, and the air slits at the sides, were too small for even the tiny mouse shape that Fear could take, in a pinch.

 It was not safe.

 The others decided to go, against Fear’s cautioning. Even Deceit ultimately went, giving in for the sake of their favourite treat - dried salmon pieces - and visiting this Vetarinian.

 Fear had hoped that would be the end of it.

 But Selene keeps making attempts. So far she has tried toys, treats, and several tricks, including hiding the Trap Box in Fear’s closet and attempting to disguise it. When she pulls it from the front hall closet and sets it down onto the living room floor, Fear opts to retreat to the space at the top of the bookcase with some haste. Last time, Selene had gotten so far as to wrap them in a towel, and had nearly gotten them into the Trap Box before Fear had gone limp and shifted their shape just enough to slide out of her grip and out of the towel as well.

 Selene had stopped trying for a while after that, when she got Fear trembling in their behind-the-television hiding place afterwards. Instead she had spent several days imploring them to look less betrayed.

 “I know, I know, you hate the crate,” she says at them, gently. “But it’s not so bad! The others did fine, didn’t they?”

 Fear hisses.

 Selene sighs.

 “Alright, I guess there’s nothing left but to do this the hard way…” she mutters to herself.

 Fear does not like the sounds of that.

 “Please don’t hate me,” Selene asks.

 Fear also does not like the sounds of that.

 Selene leaves, and fetches the towel. The towel. The thick one that makes scratching difficult. Fear determines that the top of the bookshelf is not an ideal defense post, and makes a run for it. The bedroom window was open the last they checked, but it is closed now. They make their way under the bed; it is always hardest to catch them there, because Selene cannot reach from one side to the other, so Fear can simply move any time she gets too close, without leaving their cover. They call for Deceit, who makes a mental sigh but then offers to get into the Trap Box instead. But Selene shoo’s Deceit back out - not satisfied with that, apparently. She brings the Trap Box into the bedroom, and then she does the unthinkable.

 She calls Marassal up from the store, and into the private living space.

 Fear does not realize it until they see the familiar bare feet and ankle bracelets appear alongside Selene’s at the doorway to the bedroom.

 No! Now there are two elves to contest with! Their plan did not account for that. Fear weighs the odds, the bed no longer being an ideal defensible position, and decides to make a bolt for it. The door to the shop might be open, and the shop has many more ideal spaces to hide in. They rush the bedroom door, but they aren’t anticipating Marassal’s reflexes. Or that he has a towel as well.

 Foolish. Foolish of them.

 The heavy, thick fabric engulfs Fear before they can reach the door, and they panic.

 It is almost a blessing. If Fear had been thinking rightly, they might have changed shape, which would have blown their cover and ruined everything. But in the moment, they are too overcome to manage even that much logic. And so they hiss and yowl and try to scratch and bite instead, finding only thick, treacherous towel fabric around them, before they are shoved into the Trap Box.

 The swing of the door closing is like ice in their veins.

 “It’s okay!” Selene says. “It’s okay, you’re okay, it’s alright-”

 Fear shakes, and tries to think of a solution to this horrifying turn of events. This disaster. They are going to get cornered in here. Falon’Din is coming for them. The Vetarinian will vivisect them, like Ghilan’nain. The box will be stolen and someone will throw it into a river and Fear will not be able to get out, no, this is not good!

 Selene thanks Marassal, and then returns to cooing gently at them as she picks up the Trap Box.

 “It’s alright, easy, you’re okay,” she tells them again.

 Fear meows back plaintively. Perhaps if they can appeal to her better nature, she will let them out?

 Please let them out!

 Selene’s expression through the bars looks as though it is wavering.

 She presses one of Fear’s favourite treats through a side slot instead, though. The offering may as well be dust to Fear, who hunches themselves towards the back of the box, and breathes heavily. Deceit begins to meow plaintively too, and then Dirthamen. After a minute even Des joins in, following Selene as she starts to make her way towards the door.

 “I know, guys, I know, but it’ll be fine. We’ll be back in no time, okay? Then you’ll all be checked out and chipped and that’s safer for everyone.”

 Safer?

 What about this is safe?!

 “Trust me,” Selene asks.

 Fear stares up at her uncertainly through the box’s slats.

 They… they do trust her, they suppose. To an extent. She saved Dirthamen, after all, and she is a good elf. She gives them things and looks after them. It is not that Fear distrusts her, or thinks she has bad intentions. It is just that… so much can go wrong. And she does not have all of the facts. They do not know why she thinks this would make them ‘safer’…

 Maybe Fear does not have all the facts, either.

 They try.

 It is very hard to no be afraid. Fear does not succeed, but they focus on breathing steadily and watching everything they can see through the front door of the cage. Selene carries them back down to the shop, walking with Marassal, and then says goodbye to him. He wishes her luck as she takes Fear out onto the street. The day is sunny but not too warm. The outdoor scents are typical, but it is a very strange experience, to be publicly carried down the main roads. Selene takes Fear to a bench, and offers them a few more treats. She makes gentle noises and insists that everything is going well, but Fear does not like the loud transport machine that roars up towards them after several minutes. It smells of death, and is full of strangers. Selene puts a towel down over the door of the Trap Box, so that Fear does not see the bevy of elves around them. But they can still sense things.

 They can still hear the jangle of a collar, too, the distinctive sound of a noise sniffing nearby. One of Selene’s hands settles over the vent slit one the far side of the box.

 “Excuse me, sorry, but my cat’s a little anxious. Could you keep your dog from getting too close?”

 “Oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly!”

 “Yes, I’m sure he is. It’s just that my cat’s anxious…”

“Off to the vet?”

 “Mmhmm. Could you-”

 “We’re going to the groomers ourselves, and then to the new dog park they opened on fifty-second-”

 “Great.”

 The Trap Box moves, and Selene settles both arms around it, as Fear feels her put it onto her lap instead. They try to see what they can through the slits in the sides, and spy a small dog with a sparkly collar, and an older woman who keeps talking blithely about play dates and asking Selene if she’s a ‘cat person’ or just in animal lover in general. Selene hedges an answer, while someone else coughs and the monstrous transport rumbles, and Fear counts at least a half dozen threats and only gets more stressed at not being able to assess them all.

 It seems to take them a small eternity to make whatever trip they are on. Fear can feel every frantic thump of their heart, but eventually, they move again. Selene removes the towel from the front of the Trap Box, and carries them out of the wretched machine and onto an unfamiliar sidewalk, with lots of green grass beside it.

 “Fucking…” she mutters to herself. “Keep your damn dog away from my cat, is that so hard? ‘Oh he’s friendly!’ Well that’s not the point you self-centered dumbass…”

 There is a bit more muttering before Selene switches tones and then starts assuring Fear that everything will be fine, and that they have arrived at their destination. The building she carries them too does, indeed, smell awful. It smells of the things Selene uses to keep her bathroom clean, and like too many other animals. There is barking coming from inside, which Selene assures Fear is ‘fine’. They can only watch with wide eyes as they are carried into this, the realm of the Vetarinian. Vetarinia, they would presume.

 Many spirits whisper that this is a place where animals come to die.

 Fear is not a real animal, but that is still greatly concerning, for obvious reasons.

 Fear watches as they enter a strange room. The barking seems to be coming from another one. There is a counter, almost like the one at the shop. But perhaps more like a desk? Selene approaches it, and gives her name to a young elf behind it, saying that she has the ‘two thirty’. The young elf says it will just be another ten minutes, because the ‘doctor’ is with another difficult patient. Selene thanks them and then carries Fear over to a row of seats, and sits down with the Trap Box in her lap again.

 From where they are positioned, Fear can see the door, but not much else. They watch, vigilant. Waiting to see what will happen next. After a few minutes, the door swings open, and a vashoth woman enters. She has a young child with her, and a smaller Trap Box in her arms. There is a turtle printed onto the exterior of the box. The child looks around the room, and then spots Fear.

 “Kitty!” he exclaims.

 He moves as if to rush them. Fear retreats to the back of the box, the only possible defensive position. A child is not a danger but they have no recourse, here, even to unintended harm. Before the boy can charge over to them, though, his mother grasps his arm and pulls him back to her side.

 “No, remember?” she admonishes gently. “Some animals here are sick, sweetheart, we have to use our quiet voices.”

 The little boy looks chastened, but also like he would still enjoy running over very much. Selene puts the towel back over the door, then. Which almost makes it worse, as Fear cannot see what is happening, cannot tell if anything worse might be coming. There is a shuffling sound, and then Selene seems to drape herself over the top of the box, too. Or, no - that is her sweater, Fear realizes. She must have taken it off and draped it over, shrouding them in darkness.

 Leaving more of her own skin exposed.

 That is not good.

 But it does make the box smell slightly more of Selene, and less of the room around them. They hear a childish voice pipe up, asking if he can see the kitty, but Selene gently informs him that Fear is very anxious to be at the vet and is too scared to play with right now. The little boy talks avidly about his turtle, who is getting a ‘check-up’. Then something thumps at the box, and his small voice rings out in assurance that everything is going to be fine.

 His mother apologizes.

 “It’s okay,” Selene says, before letting out a long breath. “Of course,” she says, more quietly, afterwards. “The one time I bring you, it’s all kids and dogs, it couldn’t just be chinchillas like it was last time…”

 There is the sound of a door opening, then.

 A scrambling of paws on smooth floor and loud barking, heavy breathing, like a beast the size of a small dragon has just erupted into the room.

 “Oh no, Lady!”

 The Trap Box is rocked as something massive attacks! Fear hears the breaths so close that for a moment, they think the box is being swallowed whole. They yowl in alarm, digging in their claws and summoning up some magic, before they are jostled again.

 “SERIOUSLY?!” Selene exclaims.

 “I’m so sorry, miss, she’s friendly I promise, she’s just excitable! Purebred mabaris, you know, they’re too smart for their own good and they have all this energy when they’re young. She’s still just a year old-”

 “GET HER OFF!”

 “Yeah, yeah, it’s okay, I’ve got her. She won’t bite. Come on, Lady, let’s go…”

 Fear has no direction for their magic, yet. No target. But just as they’re about to blast the towel off of the door, so they can find one, the attack seems to come to an end. The scrambling claws are drawn further away. Barking becomes whining. The stranger jokes that ‘Lady’ must be very interested in whatever Selene has with her, while Selene suddenly goes back to saying calming things. She lefts the sweater and smiles down at Fear through the visible slat.

 “It’s okay!” she tells them. “We’re okay! Just a lot of visitors. Like at the shop!”

 Fear trembles. Ready for anything, now, but only in the worst way.

 “Selene?” Another stranger calls. “You can come in now!”

 “Thank fuck,” Selene murmurs. They move again, but Fear cannot see anything, now. They are just trapped in the dark box, jostling slightly with Selene’s steps. Until they are settled onto some kind of surface. Then the towel is taken from the door again, and a stranger peers at them. Elven. Smiling. The Vetarinian, they suspect. She makes a soft coo sound.

 “Oh, poor thing. You’re terrified, hm? Let’s get this over with quick then.”

 Fear tries to make themselves as small a target as possible.

 The door to the Trap Box is opened.

 Another trap, they think. They are meant to take the opening, and come out. But if they don’t, then they are an easy target, too. There is no way to evade anything in the box. They only have one chance, then. They bolt through the opening, only to be foiled again by the towel. The strange elf picks them up. Fear hisses in protest, struggling, but they have a very firm grip. Selene is nearby, saying something. They cannot hear it over the roar of blood in their ears, as they brace themselves and wonder if they will have to transform in order to attack…

 The Vetarinian settles them onto a smooth surface.

 Selene speaks with the Vetarinian. The towel is removed. Fear has troubles keeping track of what is said, as they focus keenly on how the stranger is moving, and try to find places to hide or escape to in the odd room with its silver floors and tan counters. Fear is poked and prodded and has lights shined on them, they do not like it; when Selene moves to hold them, they latch onto her. Consolidating them into a single defensive unit, so that if or when they need to use magic to summon a barrier or offensive spell, Fear can protect them both. They Vetarinian has brisk, firm hands, covered by gloves. Fear sinks their claws into Selene’s shirt, and dislikes it most when their mouth is opened and their teeth and gums examined.

 “You should put them down, they might bite like this when I put in the needle,” the Vetarinian says.

 Needle?

 What needle?!

 Fear summons up dim recollections of the others recounting a single, small puncture wound. Though they had not seemed to suffer ill-affects, Fear might be an exception. Something could go awry. Needles are dangerous, they have seen it on the Light Box!

 “It’s fine,” Selene says. “They don’t bite.”

 “Well…”

 “I’ll deal with it.”

 “Hold their head, at least.”

 Selene pets their head, and Fear turns as they hear something crinkling open. They do not see the needle. They feel something prick at their back, like an errant claw or a bug. When they hiss, though, the pain withdraws. Their claws sink into Selene’s bra straps, and her petting increases.

 “Good job,” she tells them. “Good job, what a good cat you are…”

 Fear glares at the Vetarinian, and refuses to be dislodged from where they have secured themselves against Selene.

 “Well, this one seems as healthy as all the others,” the stranger proclaims. “But based on what you’ve described, I think you’re right about it being Feline Anxiety. It’s not uncommon, even among cats who haven’t been strays. I’m going to give you a prescription…”

 Fear’s ears are so flat against their head that when the Vetarinian turns, they have troubles hearing them any further. They move towards a Light Box, and type in something that is printed out, like a receipt, except larger. Selene tries to coax Fear back into the Trap Box, which they are not going to do. They tear several holes into her shirt before she decides to put the sweater on over both of them instead. The warm, Selene-smelling fabric settles over Fear’s back, but leaves their head to peer up from the collar. Selene wraps an arm securely around them, and tells the Vetarinian she will ‘sort them out’, when the other woman asks if she would like assistance.

 Selene puts the large Prescription Receipt into her purse. She carries in and the Trap Box in her free hand, and then they go back out into the room they were in before. The little vashoth boy stares at Fear, while Selene makes some kind of transaction with the young elf behind the counter. At least until he and his mother and their turtle-box are summoned into the room. Then Selene carries Fear back outside.

 It is less harrowing to travel when they are not trapped.

 Fear closes their eyes as they settle onto the bench. Selene rubs their back through the sweater, and whispers apologies, and insists that they are a very good cat who is very brave and who will not have to do that again. She makes one more attempt to get them back into the Trap Box before another rumbling, monstrous transport comes, but Fear does not think that is a good idea. They keep their claws firmly embedded in her bra straps.

 Selene takes them onto the transport in her sweater instead. The driver protests that Fear should be in the Trap Box, but Selene assures him that they will keep a firm hand on Fear and after some cajoling, they are not waylaid further. The transport seems emptier this time, too. Fear keeps a watchful lookout, as the streets go by through the window.

 Somehow, they manage to make it home without any further attacks.

 As soon as they are in the shop, Fear lets go of Selene and runs off to find a good hiding spot. They climb up one of the tall bookshelves and wedge themselves into a shadow at the top, near the back wall of the most quiet part of the store. Selene talks with Marassal briefly, then goes upstairs. The others come down, eager to see Fear. Deceit launches themselves up the shelves and nuzzles at them, while Affection meows protests because they cannot climb so high. Dirthamen and Des remain at the bottom, too, simply checking. Listening as Fear describes the harrowing journey.

 Huh, Des says. That sounds much more interesting than when I went.

 Lucky me, Fear drawls.

 Selene comes back, then, and has a new toy and a small dish full of Fear’s favourite tuna. The fresh kind. They are wary of another trap, though, and do not come down. When Selene sets the dish down, and moves away from it a little, Affection eats the tuna. Selene scolds them, then sighs and tosses the toy up to Fear. Or attempts to. It slips and falls back to the floor with a soft jangle, only to be scooped up by Des.

 Selene scolds Des, too, but he carries the offering up and puts it with Fear and Deceit, and then Selene makes her sounds for when she thinks they are being endearing instead.

 Fear stays up on top of the bookshelf until it is closing time. They come down, reluctantly, with some cajoling from Deceit, but then dash swiftly back up the stairs and into the apartment. Rushing to their best lookout post in their closet, with its view of the bedroom window. They skip dinner, having no desire to eat right now. After a few hours, Selene comes and sets their bowl of food down in front of the closet, and sits on the edge of her bed.

 “Come on,” she says. “We’re back home, it’s alright. Come have dinner!”

 Fear declines.

 Selene is being unusually persistent, however. She scoops Affection up when they try and eat Fear’s dinner, and cuddles them in her lap instead. Then she does the same to Dirthamen, too - not that he seemed intent on eating Fear’s food anyway.

 She sighs when Deceit comes in, and admonishes them not to eat Fear’s food. Deceit just clambers up to the top of the closet, though.

 Just eat, they suggest to Fear.

 Not interested.

 She’s going to worry if you don’t. Living things eat food every day.

 I ate this morning.

 Deceit subsides, with a mental sigh. Fear presses firmly against their side, and waits for Selene to give up.

 Eventually she does. She takes the bowl of food and announces that it is Fear’s food, and that they can have it whenever they come down. Then she goes into the living room, to watch the last half of her favourite show. Fear remains at their post, and listens to the distant murmur of the Light Box, as Deceit opts to stay with them for now. Des and Affection play; Dirthamen, presumably, is in his usual spot on Selene’s lap.

 Fear listens, but after a while they find they are twitchy with not seeing. Still too highly-strung. They jump down, Deceit trailing after them, and make their way into the living room. Their tail swishes with lingering agitation. They have scarcely ensconced themselves in their Living Room Lookout post, though, before Selene nudges Dirthamen off of her lap and gets up. She comes back a moment later, though, with Fear’s food. They blink as she settles it on top of the bookcase with them.

 Persistent, they tsk.

 Told you, Deceit replies.

 Fear sighs, and makes their own capitulation. They keep one eye on the living room as they eat. The food is good. More of their favourite tuna, in fact. There is part of it that they dislike, though, which is a small white seed. Chalky, oddly sweet on their tongue. Fear spits it out into a corner of their dish, and finishes the tuna. When they are done, Selene comes and retrieves the empty bowl.

 She sighs at the chalky seed.

 “I guess that was a long shot, huh?”

 Fear does not know what she means. But after a moment, they suppose they can reciprocate the gesture. They know what it is like to be worried, after all. So they inch forward, and press their nose to her hand. Selene pauses, and then pets at their head. Fear nuzzles her palm. They know she did her best to keep them safe. Harrowing as that experience was… she succeeded, too.

 At least, provided that the prick of pain in their back was not some kind of long-acting flesh-devouring curse that will destroy them slowly over the coming months.

 They they withdraw closer to the wall again, and consider that possibility as they wait for bedtime to come.

[parasocialpod]

Buzz Feed, LMFT: Our New Marriage Counselor - Transcript

Follow along with the episode here if you’d like to!

Alex: If you haven't heard about Anchor, it's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. It's free, there's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer, and Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many more. You can even make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership. It's everything that you need to make a podcast in one place. So download the free Anchor app, or go to anchor.fm to get started.  

[Intro music]

Alex: Hi, I'm Alex.

Nick: And I'm Nick.

Alex: And this is Ice Cream Parasocial, the podcast that talks about as many different topics as there are flavors of ice cream.

Nick: Hell yeah. Uh, so a couple of quick updates: We're now on Apple podcasts! So if you've liked the show so far, please go over there if you have the ability to, go over there give us a five star rating. If you hated it give us a one star rating, I guess. Let us know what we're doing awful. [laughs]

Alex: If you hated it, then give us a five star rating and tell us what we're doing awful.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Um, it's reverse psychology. It really... [laughs] it-it'll still work out really well.

Nick: Right, um, and just because there was a little bit of confusion when we did post that we were finally on Apple podcasts; We are also on Anchor, Spotify, Breaker, Google Podcasts, Overcast, Pocket Casts, Radio Public, and we'll soon be on Stitcher. I'm still waiting on them to get back to me about having us on there but I've submitted all of the info.  

Alex: And we also have um, transcripts up on Tumblr.

Nick: Oh yeah! That's right! You made a Tumblr, I forgot about that.

Alex: Yeah, so like check out any and all of those things that you would like. Uh... what if we just started doing the thing like, um, like Justin Bieber did promoting "Yummy"?

Nick: [Snorts, then cackles]

Alex: [Laughing] Just like, give us a five star rating on Apple Podcasts! Um, also download a VPN. [Laughs] Get us to the top of the charts. If you live in another country download a VPN and set it to the United States. Put us on repeat while you sleep. [Laughs]

Nick: Yeah. So, if you could just make a couple of different accounts on Spotify?

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: You know, change your gender every single time, make it make sure that it seems like it's a totally different person and just totally fuck up our analytics. But it's fine.

Alex: Yeah, we appeal to everyone.

Nick: We appeal to everyone. Um... [laughs] [diabolically] Yummy!

Both: [Laughs]

Nick: Um... but, yeah we've been getting really, really good feedback so far. I'm so amazed that anybody is listening to this, and that anybody actually enjoys it.

Alex: Yeah, God, me too.

Nick: And I'm really amazed that people are saying the things that I wanted them to say, too.

Alex: Yeah. Honestly.

Nick: You know? 'Cause what I really wanted this to be was as if we were just kind of hanging out with people, y'know? I really wanted it to be that it was like we were just friends hanging out at somebody's house and just kind of like, talkin', and that's literally the feedback that I've gotten back is just like... "Oh yeah I listened to your podcast! It was so cool! It felt like you guys are just there chattin'," and I'm like, "Oh, yes!"

Alex: I know!

That made me so happy! And also I uh, in my most recent therapy session, I told my therapist about the podcast [laughs] and he really liked the name, and that bought me a lot of-- that was just like, a nice hit of dopamine, you know? [laughs]

Nick: I know, now every time that I hear somebody even say the word parasocial I'm like "That's my word!"

Alex: That's the word!

Nick: [laughs] Um, but yeah,,  episode sounds different-- hopefully it sounds better I put a lot of work into this, but, for the first couple of episodes we were in the closet and--

Alex: [laughs] For the first couple of episodes we were straight.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh it's actually kind of fitting that we came out of the closet for this episode.

Right?

[laughing]

Nick: But yeah we've been sitting in the closet and Alex and I both have issues with heat and it was so hot. So, you may have noticed towards the end of the last couple of episodes where it just kind of started to fall apart, that was because we were starting to die of heat stroke. But now we're out in the living room. Um, hopefully there's not too too much noise. We live on our really busy street and it's a really straight street that people love to go drag racing on.

Alex: Yeah, when we first moved in, we would like make jokes about that and just be like "Ah, people are drag racing again!" And then I downloaded Nextdoor and it turns out that it's like a literal documented like legal issue.-- [laughs]

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: It was people like illegal street racing on our street. Which is hilarious, by the way, because I um I telecommute and I have a job that is traditionally downtown. None of my coworkers downtown have the audio issues that I do, and we live in like the suburbs.

Nick: Right.

Alex: But it's a delight.

Nick: Yeah. I just heard someone go by on the other street and it's just...

Alex: It's fine.

Nick: Like, I think we should probably, if somebody goes by, keep in one for this episode just so that you can like... understand.

Alex: So you know what we go through.

Nick: But also since we're out in the living room and not holded up in the closet, we've got all of our pets with us!

Alex: Yes!

Nick: And so, you might hear us yell at one of them or--

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh god.

Nick: Or you might hear somebody making some noise. We'll try to keep it out, but, you know. Um, I guess just so that you know who they are, if we say one of their names; we've got-- we've got four. We've got two dogs and two cats. The dogs are Winston and Roxie. Winston is a rough Collie and he's four years old now. Um, and he's the baby. Roxie is 10 and she's a beagle terrier mix--

Alex: And she is a, I dunno, like a 52 year old woman on the inside, perhaps?

Nick: Yeah. She's, she's a cranky old lady.

Alex: Yeah. Like I have a secret theory-- or not a secret theory. I have a theory that she was like body swapped.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Like she is in like a Disney movie or something and she was like a professional woman, or something. Except you ended up finding her and adopting her, and now she lives in Oregon and she can't get back home to her family, and she just said fuck it. Because she went--

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: She underwent like no character change like she was supposed to. Like her "Freaky Friday" did not work. [laughs]

Nick: That's... very accurate.

Um, and then the cats we've got Rupert who is... 17?

Alex: Damn near. Yeah, he's turning 17 this October.

Nick: Okay. Yeah, he was 13 for like three years. And then I finally pointed out to Alex that he had been 13 for a couple of years, so now I just don't know how old he is.

Alex: Yeah... yeah I had to pretty much look it up because he was named after like a "Survivor" contestant. So I had to like find out how old he was by looking up the "Survivor" contestant and like the season of "Survivor" that that person was on,

Nick: [laughing]

Alex: which was 2003, so. [laughs]

Nick: And then finally, we have Ony, who is also 10? 10 to 12.

Alex: [laughs] She's like um, she's like uh... KO from "O.K. KO"

Nick: [unintelligible]

Alex: [laughing] She's-- She's-- 5 to 11.

Nick: Yeah... she's an enigma. She's sleeping on the table here, and if we try to get her to get off she immediately jumps back up, so she's just here. If you hear snoring, it's her.

Alex: It's fine.

Nick: Well, if you hear snoring it's her or Roxie.

Alex: Or Winston.

Nick: Yeah, but Roxie snores like an old man.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: She could be in a different apartment and you'd still hear [mimics loud snoring]

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh lord.

Nick: So those are our pets! If you hear us talking about them that's who they are. Um, hopefully they don't make too too much noise but also hopefully they do come and visit, because [chuckles]

Alex: Yeah, they're pretty cute!

Nick: I want them to come say hi. Um. But yeah, hopefully this episode sounds good because I really don't want to go back in the closet. [laughs]

Alex: Right. Out and proud, baby!

Nick: Says every queer person ever: [whining] "I don't wanna go back!"

Alex: Yeah, it's way more comfortable in the living room. I get to sit on the couch.

Nick: Right. I get to sit not on the floor. I think the floor was really fucking up my back like extra bad. But anyways, um, into what this episode actually is--

Alex: Yes!

Nick: Um...

Alex: So speaking of being out of the closet: Nick and I are married!

Nick: We are.

Alex: Surprise! [laughs]

Nick: Right. Uh, contrary to popular belief we are not brothers.

Alex: [groans]

Nick: Um, I really debated ever saying that in the podcast because I know in the future it's going to come back and bite me in the ass, but--

Alex: I know. Like please, if we ever become popular by any sort of like-- I am begging you, like this is like not a bit, like jokes leave the room.

Nick: Right.

Alex: [laughing] Please do not make that a meme.

Nick: Right. Please do not make it a meme that we're brothers. We're not. I hate it so much. [laughs]

Alex: I got contact lenses because people kept thinking we were related. Dude, I love wearing glasses, I hate contacts so much. And I got contact lenses when we lived in Indiana because people kept thinking we were brothers.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: That was like the only thing that stopped it.

Nick: Yeah! I don't know why!

Alex: It was fucked.

Nick: I'm just like... what, two white guys that are both five foot four and a little chubby can't also wear glasses and not be brothers? [laughs]

Alex: Right! Literally, it's like they just abhorred the thought of somebody being gay so much that their brain is just like "Oh God, Um, are you r-related?"

Nick: Yeah to the point that... um, I was with you for a doctor's appointment, and this lady in the elevator with us says nothing to us until she goes: "I've got twins at home!" And when I tell you I was confused--

[softly] Winston...

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Now's not the time. [laughs]

He's literally looking at me like "What do you mean now is not the time to dig at the carpet? What the hell?"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Um but yeah so this lady looks at us as just like "I've got twins at a home!" And we both looked at her like "Oh that's nice. That's cool?"

Alex: "Good for you?"

Nick: I think that you, I think that you straight up were just like "Oh that-- that's cool. That's cool. Nice."

Alex: "Neat."

Nick: And then she looked at us and she was like "Oh! Are you, are you not twins?!" And we were just like [quietly] "Oh my fucking God."

Alex: [groans]

Nick: "A- brothers?" And we're like "No ma'am."

Alex: No ma'am.

Nick: And as she gets out of the elevator I'm like "We're married."

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: And she turned so red that she almost turned purple. I like, when I think about it I get mad because I'm like who goes up to people and like just fully assumes that they're twins to the point that like you don't even ask if they are?

Alex: Right! That you're just like "I've got twins at home!"

Nick: Right, but then like seeing her turn that dark dark red I'm just like I embarrassed her enough that I can't be mad about it, but also like are you kidding me right now?

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: But I think that now that I've got long hair and you've got short hair and... like,

Alex: We have very different fashion styles.

Nick: And we're-- I think that our fashion styles were starting to kind of become the same around that time, too. But now I'm kind of um edging back into a new goth phase, and you're like edging a lot more into like a kind of colorful more femme-y phase, people are like "Oh yeah no they're gay, I can tell."

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh, thank God. Like we're like every Tumblr post from like 2012 or whatever that was like,

Nick: Right!

Alex: I don't know like a like a probably haunted like black painted house next to like a pastel house

Nick: [laughing] Right?

Alex: And it's like get me a relationship like this! Like...

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Anyways! [ laughs]

Alex: Anyway!

Nick: That went off on a tangent and a half.

Alex: So our marriage [laughs]

Nick: So our marriage! Uh we're coming up on our two year anniversary. When this comes out, it'll be the day of or the day after, we're not totally sure.  Um... but, we're coming up on our two year wedding anniversary and our five year dating anniversary. So I think it's about time to find out if we're actually a good couple or not!

Alex: Right, And who better to ask than Buzzfeed and astrology.

Nick: Mhmm!

Alex: [laughs] Okay, just before we get canceled by the astrology crowd I am not knocking astrology, and I love it!

Nick: Oh yeah, absolutely. It's definitely one of those things that I make fun of because I love it so much, you know? Where it's just like that's how I show my love is that I make fun of things.

Alex: Yeah, just ask me.

Nick: Like I... [chuckles] That's just how it is, you know? Uh, I mean, now don't take that-- If I make fun of somebody that's like doing terrible things I'm not making fun of them because I love them I'm making fun of them because they're an asshole.

Alex: Oh yeah!

Nick: Um...

Alex: You can tell the difference.

Nick: You can, absolutely But for the most part I tend to make fun of things that I genuinely do love and I really do love astrology and tarot and all of that stuff I think that it's really neat. And I think that it is... it is something that I have gone to for guidance, being somebody that isn't um, strictly any kind of religious um... and it's definitely helped me get through some stuff. And so I feel like I have a right to make fun of it. [laughs]

Alex: Oh yeah, absolutely. Absolutely! Same here.

Nick: As someone that has spent hours and hours and hours reading things about it, very seriously. [laughs]

Alex: Yeah! Oh yeah, me too. As somebody that has definitely more than once called to you from the other room and been like "Fucking Astro Matrix has got me again! Who is spying on me at Astro Matrix?"

Nick: [whining] "The cards called me out!"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: "God, can you believe that-- what this card just fucking said to me?"

Alex: [whining] "Baaaabe, God..."

Nick: Yeah, so our... our first quiz is uh gonna make or break our relationship. It's called "We know if you've cheated in your relationship based on how much you like these nail designs."

Alex: Alright, I am shaking.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: 'Cause like personally, I know that I haven't. But apparently Buzzfeed knows more about me than I do, so like if I sleep walked or something...

Nick: [laughing] If you sleep cheated?

Alex: [laughing] If I sleep cheated or something, I'm going to find out!

Nick: I mean, let's be real, I'm a lot more likely to have sleep cheated.

Alex: Oh yeah, that's true. You do a lot of shit in your sleep.

Nick: I am so amazed that I haven't woken up outside before.

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: Because I will be in bed and wake up in the kitchen. And like... I-I-It's genuinely kind of scary sometimes where I'm just like-- I'll wake up not only in the kitchen, but halfway through a sandwich.

Alex: Yeah, like I can have a whole conversation with you sometimes.

Nick: Yeah! Like I'll walk out of the bedroom and you'll still be awake doing something, and you'll just be like "Hey hon. What's going on?" And I'll say something. And then the next morning you'll be like "Oh yeah like we talked about that thing last night!" I'm like "No we fucking did not!"

Alex: [chuckling] You did not talk to ME about it.

Nick: Right!

Alex: You talked to whatever entity occupies my body after I fall asleep, but...

Nick: Right! I'm just like I know that I have bad memory, but it's not that bad. And we did not speak last night, I passed out at this time and then I was done. You're just like "N-n-no, you woke up at 2:00 AM and started talking jibberish." And I'm like "No I didn't."

Alex: "You started speaking in tongues, and I--"

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Um... but yeah. So I am a lot more likely if-- if sleep cheating's a thing I probably have done it. And I guess Buzzfeed is about to tell me if I've sleep cheated.

Alex: All right, let's find out.

Nick: [chuckles] So, what it says: "Our rules are simple. Use the sliding scale to rate each nail look. Thumbs down emoji means you really dislike the design, shrugging emoji means you neither hate it or love it, and 2 fire emojis mean that you absolutely love it."

Alex: All right!

Nick: Um... so the very, very first one is short, square nails that are painted like an off white?

Alex: Yeah, kind of like a matte.

Nick: Yeah, like a matte off white. I like them.

Alex: I'm... kind of into them, I-- Hmm, I don't know. I wouldn't really use them for myself so I'm going to put like a little bit-- I don't know I'm going to say maybe like 45%.

Nick: [chuckles] Okay. Nails... Nail set number 2! Is another short kind of boxy cut and they've got what is it like Chevron? Chevron, yeah?

Alex: Yeah, I'd say that that's like Chevron.

Nick: Okay, cool. So yeah, so it's like a Chevron pattern and there's a turquoise triangle and then like a purple-y one and then a pink one. And then the index and pinky fingers are both gold with sparkles on top of the turquoise triangle. [quietly] I don't like it.

Alex: I really like these.

Nick: [snorts] I can tell that a lot of work went into them, so I appreciate them, but I don't like them.

Alex: Yeah this was absolutely a look that I would very much wear. I'm going to say like full like 90%, I like them a lot.

Nick: Yeah I'm at like 40%, I think. 'Cause I appreciate the hard work that went into it. Like it's very well done,

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: But I just don't like the colors.

Alex: That is totally fair.

Alright, number three: We've got kind of like lengthier nails with kind of like an oval tip, perhaps?  Um that's kinda like a French manicure, maybe?

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Um... where the bottom is kind of like a natural, like the nail, nail is kinda like a natural kind of pinky color. And then the like manicure tip is um kind of like an oceanic sort of vibe um kind of like almost a shell pattern? It's pictured next to some shells and it's like blue and purple.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: I don't really like these very much.

Nick: Yeah, this is another one where I'm like I can tell that a lot of work went into this but I just don't like it. But I like it better than the last ones.

Alex: That's so funny. Yeah I am going to go for like 20% because I feel like a lot of work went into them but I--I don't know.

Nick: I just do not vibe.

Alex: I just do not vibe with these very much. This does not pass the vibe check.

Nick: Yeah, I'm like a little bit over halfway with it. I'm just like, I... I can see why somebody would like them, but I don't.

Alex: That's fair!

Nick: Uh, the next one is that Stiletto? Stiletto nail? Th--The sharp-y one?

Alex: Yeah I'd say--

Nick: The sharp-y one. [chuckles] Um and it's that same kind of French tip thing where there's a natural on the nail, and then... the-- it's honestly a lot like the last one,

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: But it's a little bit more of a turquoise blue and it's a stiletto nail.

Alex: Yeah... I don't know what's so different about this one that it's like doing it for me?

Nick: Right, I like this one a lot more.

Alex: I'm gonna go like 75%, I liked this guy.

Nick: Yeah, I'm about the same.

Alex: [quietly] Ooh, I like these motherfuckers!

Nick: Oh, the next ones?

Alex: Yeah It's kinda like a um, sorta like a grass pattern. It's like a kind of like a matte white base with various colors of green stripes painted over them, sort of like a grass texture.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: I really like these shits. I'm going to go like fully 90%. I would rock these.

Nick: Yeah, they're... it--It's really frustrating because up close I really, really like it, but I can definitely see it being a little bit further away and looking God awful.

Alex: Oh that's a good point

Nick: So I'm at like 75%.

Alex: That's a good point. Yeah, I'm going to knock it down too. 'Cause I feel like now that I think about holding them like, at arm's length I'm like Oh that might look not... fabulous.

Nick: Right... [chuckles] hashtag not fab!

Alex: Hashtag not fab.

Nick: What if we just... What if we started just a nail podcast--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: where we just described nails and we just either "These are hashtag fab" or "These are hashtag not fab"

Alex: [laughs] A nail podcast except we never actually learn any of the like technical terms. And it's like exactly this level of skill.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: It's just like "I don't know It's like a nail, and it's kind of square on the end."

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: "Uh..."

Nick: Just "Ah, this--these ones are like they're like long but they're not too long... um, and they're like.... [sighs] you know?"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: "I'm going to say that they're hashtag not fab. Next!" [laughs]

Alex: "Next!"

That's so funny.

Nick: Uh, so the real next one is a squared off long nail and it's orange and it has black and white speckles towards the base of the nail except for the pinky nail where it goes all the way up. I feel like they'd be cool for Halloween?

Alex: Yeah...

Nick: But nothing else.

Alex: Yeah... 'cause I feel like I like it for this specific shot. But then I think about having them and it gives me a little panic attack thinking about doing anything practical.

Nick: Yeah, they're just beyond that length of practicality.

Alex: Yeah. Where it's like I'm not one of those people that's like I would never wear anything that's like impractical but it's like they're not cute enough for me to [chuckles] to commit to that. So I'm going to go like full middle, I think.

Nick: Yeah, I'm a little bit below the middle.

Alex: This next look is just straight up gold nails, and I do this look a lot. So I'm going to go like full a hundred percent 'cause that'd be a hypocrite if I didn't. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I'm at like 90 I, I think that they're really classic but they're also very shiny.

Alex: They're very shiny.

Nick: I feel like... so the way that this picture is taken is the person is holding gold tinsel, and it's just a lot of gold like that. So I feel like seeing it with the outfit that the person was wearing might make it-- might make me feel a little better? It also just the way that that it's painted looks like these nails got photo-shopped on--

Alex: Yeah it kinda does!

Nick: Which also makes me feel like... or like they did um face tuning to their nails 'cause there's no wrinkles.

Alex: [laughing] Oh God. Yeah, you've got a good-- ugh.

Nick: [quickly] Moving on! Uh,

Alex: [disgusted] Oh, mm... mm-mm.

Nick: Okay These next ones are elaborate

Alex: These are fucking rad! And 100%. I love it. You don't have I mentioned the thing where I'm just like I won't ever necessarily be like "Oh yeah these are impractical, so I wouldn't do it. And it has to be like cool as hell for me to commit to that." This is-- this is that. 'Cause it's like um it's kind of almost like frosted glass cause it's not quite matte and not quite glossy but it's sort of like...

Nick: The base is white, and there's like a yellow half circle at the base of the fingernail, And then it's got that-- It's a short stiletto cut.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Um, and th-the tip of it is blue it's another, it's another turquoise one. And then there's a bunch of rhinestones in the middle with a bunch of little decorations on them.

Alex: Kind of like a clockwork-y sort of design kind of like a clockwork sort of gemstone...

Nick: Yeah!

Alex: Sorta look.

Nick: And this one's clearly like very intricate, and I very much appreciate it.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: So I'm also going with like 100%. This is awesome.

Alex: Dope.

Nick: I'm really mad at how serious we're being about this. Just like "Oh no no no listen."

Alex: I know! Like I kind of forgot about like what the quiz was about...

Nick: [laughing] I know!

Alex: Now I'm just like in it I'm like "Oh fuck yeah"

Nick: Just "Mm yeah, these nails are not fab."

Alex: These nails? Not fab.  

Nick: THESE nails? Hashtag fab.

Alex: Hashtag fab!

Nick: [chuckles] Um, the next ones... they have a lot going on.  

I don't like them.

Alex: I would like them if the... okay. So, it's kind of like a... the base, base of most of the nails are kind of like a baby pink. Um, and there's like a gold accent across the pinky middle and index finger with like the kind of is like a gold ring almost.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Um and like a light like kind of almost muddy baby blue on the tip of the index and pinky finger. The middle finger is the same baby pink, and then the um ring and thumb are just sort of like a cacophony.

Nick: Yeah! They kind of look like--

Alex: It's like a grandma's couch.

Nick: Yeah! Like a really old like not Rattan couch, but like... woven couch?

Alex: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Nick: It looks like an old grandma couch on the thumb and the ring finger. Almost every single finger has a different pattern slash color on it, and it's just-- it's a lot.

Alex: Yeah... like I feel like there's something that's just like oddly stressful to me about this. And it's like, if every finger had a different texture, I would like it. If every finger like had the same texture, I would like it. But since it's so different in every aspect like even in the aspect of them all not being different like I'm like "Oh, I hate this. I hate this so much."

Nick: But it's frustrating because I can tell a lot of work went into it, but I hate it. So it just doesn't matter, because I hate it.

Alex: Yeah, same.

Nick: Um, the next one is short square cut nails um with a white background and painted on top on the middle finger is a little flamingo, and on the ring and pointer finger are some leaves and then the thumb and pinky are just plain white.

Alex: These are cute!

Nick: Yeah! I really like these. Like, it's another one where like from further away I can see them getting really muddied and kind of awkward looking. But these are nails that are very, very clearly not meant to be looked at from far away, because they're so detailed and so um, tiny.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: So, I still love them. This is so cool.

Alex: Yeah! I'm going with like an 85% 'cause like I definitely agree... No I'm going with like 90%.

Nick: Yeah I went with like 90, too.

Alex: Cause I feel like unlike the other ones um, which I feel like would kind of get muddy from a distance, these ones if you were like at a distance you could see that they were like something.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Whereas the other ones I might be like " Oh did you draw on yourself a little bit?"

Nick: [chuckles] "Oh what happened there, buddy?"

Alex: Yeah... Aww, these are kind of cute!

Nick: Oh, I think these  are really cute!

Alex: These are pretty cute, yeah.

Nick: Uh, so it's a clear base and each nail has a different part of a pink flower on it, with a little bit of green leaves. And it looks like the middle and ring fingers have the same picture but like cut in half, and then the other fingers have little buds of the flower on them...

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: And if this was hand painted then like I'm going to lose my mind, that's so cool. So I'm going to pretend that it's hand painted, because I don't want to break my own heart.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: So I'm giving it like 100%. It's two full flames.

Alex: I don't know, I just don't really like the clear bases very much.

Nick: That's, that's very fair. I understand that.

Alex: Oh yeah, I don't like this next one.

Nick: Which is so funny, because I kind of do.

Alex: I wonder which one of us cheated. [laughs]

Nick: Right! So the next one is um a pretty matte c-- almost clear base. It's one of those where it's not quite clear but it's meant to look clear. Um... and they're short nails and they have black french tips, and then on the middle and pinky finger-- this is the part that I don't like, at the very base there's like a half circle filled in with black. And that kind of just like it's like you got a bruised finger.

Alex: Yeah, that looks like you have an infection.  

Nick: I think that without those, I would like it a lot more.

Alex: Me too.

Nick: But because it has those

I'm going a little bit below the middle.

Alex: I'm like full thumbs down I hate that.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: It makes me so uncomfortable.

Nick: That is understandable. The next one is sparkly silver. They're kind of they're, they're not super long but they're just little bit long.

Alex: These are very party city to me.

Nick: They are very party city. And this is another one where it looks like they photo-shopped her fingers to not have any wrinkles on them. [laughs]

Alex: Yeah! What is with the sparkle nails?

Nick: That, that one gets a thumbs down, I don't like that one.

Alex: Yeah, this gets a thumbs down from me.

Nick: That one makes me uncomfortable.

Alex: Yeah, and I don't-- Okay. Again, I don't have anything wrong with like cheap shit I got my gold nail polish for like $2, I think. But I just do not like this like aesthetic very much.

Nick: No...

Alex: I kinda like these next ones, kind of into them. Because it's sort of like a traditional set of like red nails where the... index finger and pinky finger are um, kind of inverse colored from one another. one of them is black background white polka dots, one of them is white background black polka dots.

Nick: Yeah, I really like this one because it's cohesive.

Alex: Yeah I like this a lot.

Nick: The other ones where there were different designs on different nails, weren't super cohesive. But I feel like having most of the nails be that, that classic cherry red and then having a couple of um... stand out nails that are black and white I--I think that that looks really nice so that one's getting like a hundred percent from me, I love it.

Alex: Yeah, me too. These next ones I'm... into, but I feel like these are the nails that are gonna mean I cheated.

Nick: [ snorts]

Alex: I don't know why, I just am getting that vibe.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, well, the thing is I don't like these nails.

Alex: Oh!

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh, so, they're square cut just a little bit longer than the fingertips and they're pink?

Alex: They're like super pink.  

Nick: And then they've got black tips.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: And then--

Alex: Kind of like a gold cuticle.

Nick: Yeah, like a gold cuticle. I don't like the cuticle.

Alex: That's fair.

Nick: That's the part that just loses me, is when it's just that like little half circle just above the cuticle.

Alex: That's fair. Yeah, like it loses a few points for me for that...

Nick: And so I'm at like 20% it's almost a thumbs down, but not quite.

Alex: That's fair I feel like if it were brighter I would like it more, but just like... it's just another thing where it looks a little infected. Uh so I'm gonna give it like 60%.

Um and then our very last one!

Nick: Oh yeah.

Alex: Home stretch! We've got a pink index nail, a purple pinky nail, and a marbled pink purple white and black and kind of like gray Uh middle finger and ring finger. I really like this, I think that's cute.

Nick: I'm pretty-- I'm straight up in the middle about it. I think it's fine. I don't hate it I don't love it, it just is.

Alex: That is fair. These kind of give me a lot of like 2012 vibes.

Nick: Yeah, I think that that's kind of why I'm like "Eh, it's fine" is 'cause it definitely gives me like almost 10 year old fashion vibes

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: Um... and I'm just like eh it's not really for today, but I've definitely seen people with those nails.

Alex: Yeah. These nails are like a C plus for me, y'know.

Nick: Yeah. Are we ready to find out who cheated?

Alex: Alright. Okay.

Nick: Three,

Alex: Two,

Both: One.

Alex: [ laughs]

Nick: What'd you get?

Alex: " You've absolutely cheated before."

Nick: [Cackles] You motherfucker!

Alex: " Wow! The truth has come out [chuckles]. Based on your nail choices, we can say with absolute certainty that you have been dipping your toe outside the relationship."

Nick: [Snorts, then laughs]

Alex: [Holding back laughter] "We won't even ask for the juicy details, but just know that we know. Now-- [laughs] now, you might as well share this with your significant other to find out if they're guilty as well. Don't worry. We're right here for you."  So, how about you?

Nick: I... am so fucking mad at you. How could you do this to me?

Alex: [Laughing] Oh no.

Nick: How could you do this to us? [Sighs dramatically] I... have not cheated.

Alex: [ Laughs]

Nick: Ph...physically. [Mumbles] I haven't physically cheated.

Alex: [ Snort-laughs]

Nick: But they say that I've probably cheated emotionally.

Alex: That's so specific! [Laughing]

Nick: Yeah, that's literally what it says. "You haven't physically cheated, but you've probably cheated emotionally. Alright, so you've never done super sneaky things in a relationship. But you're definitely far from being wholesome."

Alex: What?! [Wheezing]

Nick: "In fact-- [chuckles] In fact, to some people you've committed the ultimate crime, worse than physical cheating: emotional cheating. But maybe you're a changed person now, and you're acting right. Or maybe not *squints eyes*. I don't even know what to say, but now I know your secret."

Alex: Oh my God!

Nick: So I guess we've both at least a little bit cheated.

Alex: Apparently. So we're on even...ish?

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: Ground.

Nick: We're on even-ish ground, but we probably shouldn't be together.

Both: [ Laughing]

 Nick: Um, well... I guess since uh, since we're leaving each other, it's time to do the Buzzfeed quiz of "Tell Me How You Like to Brunch, and I'll Tell You the Type of Romantic Partner You Need" since we're going to be moving on from eachother now.

Alex: No, we're not moving on!

Nick: Oh, okay. Well--

Alex: We'll just-- this is how we know what, uh, we need to be like, so that we won't need to cheat on each other anymore.

Nick: Oh okay. This is who we need to become.

Alex: This is who we need to become [chuckles].

Nick: So that we can stay together?

Alex: So that we can stay together. Cause like, we're quarantining together. So like, we can't go anywhere.

Nick: I have a car.

Alex: Oh yeah, I guess you're right.

Nick: I don't have a job, but I have a car.

Alex: Yeah, that's a good point.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: So the first one: "Let's start easy. When are you going to brunch? Saturday, Sunday, both days, or during the week?"

Alex: During the week, are you kidding me?

Nick: Uh yeah same, I don't go anywhere on the weekend.

Alex: Fuck the weekend, dude.

Nick: I hate weekends. I hate how many people are out. Even before... everything went down with pandemic shit.

Alex: Oh, yeah.

Nick: I hated the weekends.

Alex: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And like... obvious, but like, this is outside of COVID times. We would not go to brunch at all during...

Nick: No.

Alex: Cause, if this was during COVID times, and this is brunch at home which is any time I feel like it.

Nick: Right. I think we're literally planning on having brunch for dinner tonight, so.

Alex: Literally.

Nick: It's all good.

Alex: Vegan French toast. Vegan challah French toast. Homemade challah. What's up.

Nick: That's right. I'm so excited.

Alex: I know, me too.

Nick: Okay, we need to get this done.

Alex: Yes.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Uh... "What time are you going to brunch? As soon as the restaurant opens, around 11:00 AM, around 1:00 PM, or around 3:00, that's still brunch, right?"

Alex: Um... I feel like we're either the type of people that we're like-- or I guess like we were doing this like, independently.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Yeah, I feel like I prefer like, as soon as the restaurant opens, again because people.

Nick: Right. I... I don't like waking up that early. So, I'm going to say 1:00, cause I feel like that's usually when people start to kinda stop being there, like it's right before lunch rush.

Alex: That is a good point.

Nick: So I'm going to go with that. "Are you getting anything to drink?"

Alex: Mmm.

Nick: "Mimosas, maybe an alcoholic drink, coffee, tea, et cetera, or 'I'll stick with water?'"

Alex: Coffee, tea, et cetera.

Nick: Uh, I'm going to stick with water. Water is great. That's how you can tell that you're a real adult, is when you choose water.

Alex: Water is great, but also, if they have like, a fancy coffee?

Nick: Oh yeah, I guess if they have a fancy coffee.

Alex: Yeah. If they have like a fancy coffee or like complimentary coffee.

Nick: Mmmmm.

Alex: Either end of the coffee scale.

Nick: Yeah, okay, I'm going to go with coffee, you got me.

Alex: [Chuckles]

Nick: Uh, "What are you ordering from the menu? Something very breakfast related like eggs, toast, granola, et cetera, something more hearty like steak, ham, et cetera, uh, something light like a salad, or honestly a combination of things".

Alex: Ah... I'm going to go very breakfast related, I think.

Nick: Yeah, I feel like every time that I have quote unquote brunch it's really just late breakfast.

Alex: Oh yeah, same.

Nick: And so it really confuses me when people do, uh, literally anything else. I'm like, it's breakfast!

Alex: Right?

Nick: Bitch!

Alex: I'm just like, why would you go to brunch and order lunch?

Nick: Right? Just go to lunch.

Alex: Right? Like, just go to lunch!

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: If you go to brunch and get a salad, I'm sorry, we cannot-- I guess we can be friends, like, eh, dietary habits are whatever, but just know that you are weak.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Uh, "Pick a food that speaks to your soul." Uh, there's a picture of... eggs on toast and... potatoes?

Alex: It looks like some mozzarella and like uh... some like fresh mozzarella... and like a...

Nick: I dunno, it's not that important.

Alex: Eh, it's some potatoes.

Nick: Um, and then there's an omelet, and then there's pancakes, and then there's one for the alcoholics: "none of these, bring me more drinks".

Alex: These pancakes...

Nick: Yeah, those pancakes look really good. And also... I'm vegan. [chuckles]

Alex: [ Snorts] Uh, yeah. I'm vegan...??

Nick: So the eggs... I don't-- well, I guess that there are vegan eggs.

Alex: Yeah. Like, you could imagine that they're vegan. Or like whatever the vegan equivalent might be.

Nick: Mmmm.

Alex: Like a tofu scramble, or something. Or not a tofu scramble, but like, you know.

Nick: Yeah. In that case, I'm going to go with the first one that's got potatoes and stuff, actually. I don't like having that much sugar.

Alex: Yeah, that's fair.

Nick: Um... "How sacred is brunch to you?" Uh, I don't care about any of these answers. That-- I don't give a shit. It's fine.

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: Brunch is cool. That's the answer that I...

Alex: Brunch is a great experience.

Nick: Brunch is cool. And that was the last one. And so I got: "you need someone who likes to laugh".

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: So I guess that is you.

Alex: We made it!

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: I got... "someone who communicates".

Nick: Mm. Alright, I do my best.

Alex: Yeah. You communicate!

Nick: [Chuckles]

Alex: Hell yeah. Alright!

Nick: And so I guess we're back on being like, alright, we're fine.

Alex: We're fine.

Nick: We've forgiven the cheating.

Alex: We've forgiven.

Nick: Because this other quiz says that we're right for each other.

Alex: Yeah. Exactly. And now it's going to guess our relationship status based on how we can complete words.

Both: [Snort-laughing]

Nick: Complete this word: "space A-L-L"

Alex: "Fall, ball, or call?" Ball! All day.

Nick: I'm saying fall. Um...

Alex: [Chucking]

Nick: Complete this word: "space A-N". I'm saying ba--... oh, they don't have "ban". Uh. Damn.

Alex: [Laughing] Your block-happy ass.

Nick: Yeah, my block happy ass.

Alex: Ban! Ahh.

Nick: I-- I keep seeing people on Twitter, like people that-- I'll go to block somebody, uh, that's just being a dick on Twitter not even to me but to somebody else, and I'm just like... "I don't want this person to interact with me in the future". And I'll go to their profile to block them, and in their bio there will be something that says "blocking's for pussies." And I'm like, all right, well... I guess I am!

Alex: Right! Exactly!

Nick: Bye! I'm just like I would so much rather not have to ever deal with you than, like. I'm just like... do you really think that it affects me, that you of all people are calling me a pussy?

Alex: Exactly!

Nick: [Laughs] Cause guess what? Now I don't have to hear you anymore. [Snorts]

Alex: For real! Like, now I don't have to hear what you have to say. That's cool. [Laughs] Now I don't have to hear what you have to say, and I know that Megan thee Stallion loves me. So.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Right.

Alex: Um... B-A: Bag, Bad, or Bat?

Both: Bat.

Alex: L space G:

Both: Leg.

Alex: [Chuckles] --Lag, or Log. Leg.

Nick: Space E-A-D.

Alex: Dead!

Nick: Dead!

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Space E-L-L.

Both: Hell.

Alex: Fight!

Nick: Fight! [Chuckles] This one--

Alex: Space "ight".

Nick: That one was space I-G-H-T. Fight!

Alex: [Laughs] Space O-G.

Nick: Dog.

Alex: Hog.

Nick: Oh I accidentally clicked on fog! No! Fuck! [Clicking noises] Alright. Well.

Alex: [Laughing] What did you get?

Nick: Not even interested in dating right now.

Alex: Same. Which I guess is technically true? [Laughing]

Nick: I... yeah. I'm not interested in dating. [Chuckles]

Alex: I'm not interested in dating. I am married.

Nick: Right? [laughs]

Alex: I am not dating! [laughs]

Nick: Like, those things aren't mutually exclusive, but I'm not interested in dating right now.

Alex: Right!

Nick: You think I want to go be, uh, within 20 feet of another human? Fuck no!

Alex: Right. Like, I'm good with being within 20 feet of you and that's all.

Nick: Yeah. But no closer.

Alex: Everyone else, do not interact in person.

Nick: [Chucking] Yeah.

Alex: You may interact otherwise, please, God.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Alright. And then the last Buzzfeed quiz that we've got is: "Which Zodiac Sign Are You Most Compatible With?"

Alex: Alright!

Nick: Um.

Alex: So, we're hoping for different answers on this one.

Nick: Yeah. We're hoping for different answers on this one. I am a Leo, but I'm technically on the Leo-Virgo cusp, so.

Alex: And you are very... if you look up Leo-Virgo cusp traits, it's all Nick.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Cause I know you're Leo-Virgo cusp sun, and then for whatever reason I remember your rising sign but not your moon sign.

Nick: [Snort-laughs]

Alex: So that's fucking weird. I think you're Libra rising, and then Scorpio... right. Er-- Scorpio rising. Libra moon. That's right.

Nick: I... I'm proud of you, because I don't know that shit.

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: Um. So the first  question: "Which trait do you find the least tolerable: jealousy, impatience, pessimism, laziness, sensitivity, or secrecy?"

Alex: The least tolerable...

Nick: Uh, for me it's secrecy. I hate secrets, I hate not being in the loop. It gives me so much anxiety.

Alex: That is fair! Um I would say like... ugh. That's hard. This is hard! Uh... jealousy? Maybe? Sure.

Nick: That's fair.

Alex: Yeah. "How do you deal-- er, how do you react when conflict arises: try to play peacemaker, become upset and anxious, choose a side and jump to their defense, play both sides, join the conflict, or remain neutral?"

Nick: Um... For me it depends on the conflict? But typically I do, I will become upset and anxious, I'm not going to lie.

Alex: [Chuckles] Literally, me too.

Nick: Yeah. Which is why we just... we don't get into conflicts, because it's just, it's not worth it. Cause we both just kind of "uh I don't know!"

Alex: Right? Like, that's why we communicate.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Both because it's healthy, and also because [chuckles] I hate conflict so much. [Laughs]

Nick: Right. Absolutely.

Alex: "What was your favorite school subject: Math, English, Art, P.E., History, or Science?"

Nick: Man, I don't remember. That was a long time ago. I know it wasn't P.E.--

Alex: [Chuckles] Right? Fuck.

Nick: --and I know it wasn't History. But all of the rest of them were about the same.

Alex: Um... I feel like I always started off really strong in English but then they'd get really disappointed in me for not turning shit in, cause they expect you to turn shit in, so probably Art.

Nick: Yeah, that's super fair.

Alex: Cause all of the rest of them kind of never started off very strong, necessarily? Except maybe History so I'll say Art. I usually did well in Art.

Nick: I'm gonna say Math because I-- until the higher levels that I started doing in like, junior and senior year of high school, I didn't have to try.

Alex: That's fair.

Nick: So, that was probably my favorite thing, cause I didn't even have to...

Alex: [Chuckles]

Nick: Um... "How do you show affection: physical contact, grand gestures, playful mocking--"

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: "--meaningful words, unspoken loyalty, or 'I hate showing affection'?" Mine is... I'm between playful mocking and unspoken loyalty.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Cause I've definitely been described as loyal, but also... I started this episode saying that when I love things I make fun of them.

Alex: Yeah, like, actively. [Laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I'm gonna go with playful mocking.

Alex: Yeah. I would say... man, I really wish that this was more of like a languages of love thing.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Cause grand gestures isn't the exact thing, but I feel like I like doing the uh... fuck. What's it called? It's like--

Both: Acts of service?

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: But I guess outside of that... like... I guess that would be like, the loyalty thing maybe? Or maybe... I guess, meaningful words is probably the next highest one that I would find on this list.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Cause I talk a lot. [Snorts] Talk a lot of shit.

Nick: [Laughs] "Which of these is most important in your day to day life: being organized, being creative, being liked, being right, being the center of attention, or being independent?" Hmm. For me, I would probably say being creative. I feel like that's the most important thing for me to be able to do.

Alex: Yeah Cause I'm in between creative and independent. I would say probably like, creative.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: "What is your favorite genre of film: comedy, horror, romance, musical, documentary, or thriller?"

Nick: Uh, mine's a comedy a hundred percent.

Alex: Oh yeah, that's fair.

Nick: Like, I also feel like I really love it when comedy bleeds into other ones?

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: Like, that's my favorite is like, comedy hybrids.

Alex: Oh yeah, same. Yeah, I think I'm going to go with comedy, because I feel like every other kind of genre of movie that I like has to have some element of comedy for me to like it? Because I feel like-- quick side tangent-- Um, I feel like that is the best way for me to end up actually like, having some sort of stake in your characters. 'Cause I'm the type of person that I really like like, art house shit too. And, you know, I really like horror and thrillers and everything. But I'm not going to care about your characters If I haven't laughed with them at all!

Nick: Right.

Alex: Like, that's why I really like like, dark comedies and stuff and like, art house comedies I guess, is just because it's just like, you know, you get like all the emotion and the shit behind it but also like.... the reason that you feel those things isn't just because you've seen this person go through tragedies for like two hours. It's because you care about them and you think that they're fun. [Chuckles]

Nick: Right. Because you've gotten that kind of laughter bonding with them, where it's just like you can watch somebody go through literal just hell for a couple of hours but... and feel bad for them. But you don't feel that same level of bad as you do if you were able to, y'know, laugh at some jokes that they made as well and really bond with them.

Alex: Oh yeah! Hello, BoJack Horseman.

Nick: Right.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Uh, what would you rather be doing on a Saturday? Partying, museum tour, hiking, catching up on sleep, shopping, or Netflix marathon? I'm most likely to be catching up on sleep... but I would rather have a Netflix marathon, I think. I'd rather watch some TV.

Alex: I know I'm such a fucking Oregon ass adult I hate this shit so much. 'Cause I saw that-- Well I guess we're talking about a Saturday.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Oh yeah, 'cause before I thought too hard about Saturday I was going to say museum tour or hiking. Um, I'm still gonna say hiking 'cause you can go somewhere remote to hike. But outside of that, I feel like my second thing would probably be like Netflix marathon. If it were-- if we're talking like a Wednesday though, it's definitely a museum tour. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, absolutely.

Alex: Fuckin' love museums, dude.

Nick: Also I just for a second I got a big ad... oh it just came back! [laughs] It knew that I was thinking about it! But it's this big ad that takes up like a third of the screen and it's Mr. Beast,

Alex: Ah?

Nick: But it's a really really awful picture of Mr Beast, um that's like just like it's clearly just cut out of one of his videos, where they like went around in photoshop and cut out a screenshot of him. He's like halfway through speaking.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: And so his mouth is making a weird shape because he's saying a word and it's for Honey. And it was just like "Need a coupon? Mr. Beast fans save more!" And I'm like...

Alex: [quietly laughs]

Nick: Oh my God, are we really at a point where like... YouTubers are the face of things like that? And we're just using like a shitty JPEG?

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Just like "Hey you know Mr. Beast, right?" "Yeah." "He, he endorses us. Did you know that? Did you, did you know that... that is just is Mr. Beast enough for you to-- for you to finally download Honey?" Even though I have Honey downloaded right now.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: I'm like if they had a better picture of him, it wouldn't have like shocked me so much. But it's clearly like just a screen grab from one of his videos, and I'm like...

Alex: [laughing] It's like 140p, just like...

Nick: Yeah! I'm like did you ask him, if you could? 'Cause I feel like he could send you a better picture, guys.

Alex: We stole Mr. Beast's face, and--

Nick: Right! I'm like, does he know that you're doing this? [laughs]

Anyways...

Alex: Oh boy.

Nick: Uh... what could you spend hours talking about?

Alex: All.

Nick: The answers are TV and movies, conspiracy theories, real life gossip, my feelings, politics, and the meaning of life. Um, I'm going to go ahead and out myself and just say real life gossip. I--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: I hate that I do it, but... it's just so easy to just talk shit, for so long. Even though I know that a lot of the people that I talk shit about, I'm not that much better than.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: [extremely close to the mic] However,

Alex: Listen...

Nick: it's so much fun. And like, I know that I need to stop. And one day I might, but for right now...

Alex: [chuckles] Let me live this moment.

Nick: Just being honest, I could spend hours gossiping about anything. [laughs]

Alex: That is absolutely fair. I feel like I am showing so much of my ADHD ass...

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: 'Cause I'm just like we would have a conversation that involves all six of these things that lasts two minutes. [laughs]

Nick: Right!

Alex: I guess out of these things the thing that I would probably easily spend the most time talking about, without getting burnt out too fast, would be... Also potentially gossip.

Nick: [snort laughs]

Alex: Because I started to say politics, but I feel like politics I burn out real fast, and then I have to switch to something else. But then I go back to it.

Nick: Yeah, especially today's politics that are just so like "I don't know how to explain to you that you should care about people."

Alex: Right!

Nick: Like that's all politics is right now. I'm not going to get into this on the podcast right now, but like I don't know how to explain to people that they just should care about other people. And that's all politics is right now It's just like I don't-- How do you not understand that you should care about other people? And you can only say that so many times before it's like you just feel like you've drilled a hole in your head. Just like... I just, that's all I can say. [frustrated laughter] You know?

Alex: Yeah... like it's one of those things where, as a quick side tangent; In my most recent therapy session, it was so funny because I was talking about like-- I had surgery recently, I'm good! Um, but I have like a weight restriction for like lifting things. And I was talking about how I'm like away from work right now because of that. And about how it's also been really nice, because I haven't been talking about as much like heavy shit because my job involves talking about a lot of heavy shit, and some of that is like politics and like current events related. Um, just because a lot of it is like staying in-the-know for work. Uh, and it was so funny because my therapist noted something about like having a weight restriction like where it's like I can't lift things that are more than 10 pounds and also [starts laughing] I can't talk about shit--

Both: That's too heavy.

Nick: That's really funny.

Alex: What is more like-- or what is likely to make you angry or upset? Uh... Not being in control, being teased, being late to an appointment, a sad movie, being physically injured, trying something and not succeeding?

Nick: The unfortunate thing about me, is that a lot of these would-- are likely to make me angry or upset.

Alex: Yeah...

Nick: Um, not being in control, being late to an appointment, and trying something and not succeeding are like definitely the top three for me. Just because it's--it... it's things that-- Being late to an appointment and not being in control tie in to each other because anytime that I am late it's not my fault. And therefore, I'm not in control of the thing. So I'm going to say not being in control, because also trying something and not succeeding feels like it's out of my control, even though it totally is.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: You know? Like it's one of those things where it's like you just need to keep trying, you will learn. And that's something that I've been really really proud of myself with this podcast is that... you know, I know that not all of the episodes are good, and I-- but I just keep doing it, and I'm like "Oh, well that was a learning experience" And I'm like yes, finally! Like I just had this breakthrough with the podcast.

Alex: Right! It's been-- it has been really nice to see.

Nick: Yeah... What about you? [chuckles]

Alex: It's so funny because like looking at this, um... a lot of these things wouldn't necessarily like "get to me" get to me. Uh, that isn't to say that things don't get to me because things get to me. But I feel like not being in control overarchingly really does. Um, because I feel like a lot of things with like trying and not succeeding and  being late to stuff I... kind of-- I blame restaurant work for this. I don't know what broke in me-- [laughs]

for the better, maybe, um... for this to happen. But I like developed this habit when like shit would go off of the rails where I'd like drop something or like something would happen and I'd just kinda go [clicks tongue] "Well." [laughs]

Like to the point that I've had-- I remember dropping like a full tray of water glasses at one point and just going "Oh, well..."

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: And like a customer that was nearby was like concerned--

Both: [laughing]

Alex: like for my like a mental health. And I think about that sometimes, like I forget exactly what she said but she was just like "Oh..." [laughs]

Nick: "Oh honey, are you okay?"

Alex: Like I think that she thought it was like one of those quiet snapping moments, but like gunuinely it was just like "All right. Well, that happened." [laughs] Um, but I think like not being in control really gets me, like especially longterm.

Nick: Right.

Alex: That stresses me out... Um, being teased used to really get me because I did not grow up with siblings. But then I feel like over the course of like us being together it's-- I've gotten a lot better at reading when it's like people being mean to me versus like...

Nick: Yeah...

Alex: You know, reading it as like "Oh this person likes you and is friends with you. And that's why--" [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, you've definitely gotten a lot better about that over the last couple of years.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Probably because I relentlessly mock you. [laughs]

Alex: [laughing] Yeah!

Nick: Uh, what do you value most: Laughter, challenge, faith, stability, success, or trust? Laughter.

Alex: Mhmm. Big same.

Nick: If I can't laugh, I just-- I don't care. [snort laughs]

Alex: I agree!

Nick: Finally, what is your Zodiac sign?

Alex: Saggitarius.

Nick: And I am a Leo.

Alex: What'd you get?

Nick: I got Virgo, which is not Sagittarius.

Alex: Damn. That is nowhere in my like chart.

Nick: No.

Alex: 'Cause I got Libra, but that's your moon sign so I'm counting it.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh but so what it says about a Virgo being my ideal is: "They're reliable, organized, and a little bit anxious. They're great listeners and provide excellent advice. And even though they often seem cold on the outside, they can be a lot of fun. They're deep thinkers and together you'll engage in interesting conversations and provide each other stability and calmness." Which still feels...

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: A lot like you?

Alex: [laughing] I know!

Nick: There's definitely like... I don't-- you're not organized, and you're pretty reliable and you don't really seem that cold on that outside... That's a lot more me  which is funny because I'm on the Virgo cusp.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Um ... But it still is like, you're a deep thinker, and we do engage in interesting conversations, which is why we have a podcast. Um, and you're a great listener and you do provide excellent advice. And so it's like a lot of that stuff is you, but it says we shouldn't be together, so...

Alex: [laughs] We're like 25% for... 'cause like for you... or for me I guess, it says uh "Libras are artistic, graceful, hopeless romantics. They'll probably want to sit around and gossip and explore their creative side. They're great listeners, really fun, provide balance and insight for any lost souls." Which honestly is a lot of things that I really like about our relationship too. So I'm just like...

Nick: Well, Buzzfeed says that I need to leave you because you've cheated on me--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: and you're not a Virgo.

Alex: My worst crime, arguably.

Nick: Your worst crime is not being a fucking Virgo. And... uh, I don't remember what the brunch one said.  

Alex: Brunch said we were fine.

Nick: Brunch said that we were fine, but you did cheat on me and-- [snort laughs]

Alex: And I'm not a Virgo.

Nick: And you're not a Virgo, so... I guess I kinda need to leave... or you need to like step your shit up. Change your birthday and become a Virgo.

Alex: [laughs] I will. Let me, let me go to the courthouse, it'll be okay.

Both: [laughing]

Alrighty. So, this has been Ice Cream Parasocial. We'll see you next time! Nick: Um, don't forget if you have the ability to go rate us on Apple podcasts and uh... that's all, for this one.

Alex: That's all! Um Buzzfeed if you have a intern that I can bribe to write a quiz that will save my marriage--

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh, we love you.

Alex: We love you. We-

Nick: See ya next time.

Alex: Yeah, hope it wasn't too loud so we can stay out of the closet.

Nick: This is a queer friendly podcast. Please don't make us go back in the closet.

Alex: [laughing] Anyway...

Nick: Bye!

Alex: Bye!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS - SPRING 2020

It’s been a while since I’ve had to look at a blank Microsoft Word document and write these words but: welcome to REVIEWING THE CHARTS! 

This may or may not be a pretty long episode but this is also the start of a new edition of the show in which the format is changed pretty immensely. After a couple years of this chart show, I’m going to be honest: I got bored of doing it every week, so I simply stopped doing it. I reviewed songs in secret, wrote notes of future potential episodes, but never released anything. However, recently, I’ve decided that perhaps it would be smarter to not cancel the show but adopt a new format. Basically, I will not do an episode every week, rather every month, where I review each new arrival on the UK Top 40 during that month, without covering any of the nonsense that happened during that month outside of the new arrivals. I’ve actually been wanting to change the format to this for a while but after doing the BRITs special I’ve decided that this actually might be a more palatable workload. Hopefully this’ll work and I can get back into this chart thing and start enjoying looking out for new music again but we’ll see; potentially if I enjoy this I can get back to the weekly stuff. So, let’s start off the new format with a bunch of garbage from March, April AND May that I didn’t review, in chronological order, rounding up everything that I missed in these interim weeks. So, let’s start:

MARCH NE W ARRIVALS: 01/03

#40 – “Moral of the Story” – Ashe

Produced by FINNEAS and Noah Conrad

This is Ashe, a female singer-songwriter from California who got big on TikTok. This song, from the soundtrack of Netflix comedy To All the Boys (Haven’t watched it), is produced by FINNEAS, as he branches out from just producing for his sister Billie. Yup, that’s my pre-amble. The song is pretty cute, and I admit I quite like Ashe’s sing-songy, musical theatre style of singing, which is actually more of a spoken style in the verses. FINNNEAS’ production isn’t too bad, either, with an infectious and jaunty piano melody as well as some cool, explosive choir samples during the post-chorus that sound pretty cool. Admittedly, I’m not listening to this with my headphones (Not currently working because of course they’re not), so I can’t really tell about the mixing (which is something FINNEAS has gotten wrong a worrying number of times). For Ashe’s first UK Top 40 hit and first hit in general, it’s not a bad song at all. I’m not going to save it or praise it to high heavens, but for what it’s worth, I can’t complain. Decent track.

#39 – “City of Angels” - 24kGoldn

Produced by Neek and Omer Fedi

Speaking of people who got big off of TikTok and have their first UK Top 40 hit, here is 24kGoldn, a rapper-singer also from California. You probably know him from his breakout single, “Valentino”, but this other single from his debut EP, Dropped Outta College (Classy), seems to be the bigger hit worldwide. I hate “Valentino”, for the record, and I think it’s practically unlistenable garbage, so I don’t expect to like this. Also, fun fact: This trap-rap song about sex and drugs does not have any profanity. Kids these days with their clean, acceptable music. To be fair, I don’t actually hate this, mostly because of that catchy guitar line used as the main backing for what isn’t actually a trap-rap beat and instead kind of a power-pop type drum beat, with this Juice WRLD rip-off vocally riffing over it in a way that’s just disrespectful to the producers. Jokes aside, this is a good song, with a pretty catchy chorus, though admittedly an underdeveloped structure, with only one verse and two choruses. It’s kind of edgy nonsense but I could see an emo-pop band doing this justice, so I can appreciate it, actually; I do like the rough-around-the-edges vocal style in this context a lot more than “Valentino”. Also, this kid got a Fetty Wap feature on his EP. I’m jealous.

#34 – “Mice” – Aitch

Produced by LiTek and WhYJay

Ah, this guy, back again for more whitebread British trap, hey? Well, I guess I’ll give him another chance; the guy keeps coming back on the chart so there’s got to be some appeal to him, right? Well, nah, not really. This beat is kind of funky but it’s just his other big hit’s beat with less instruments anyway. It’s got the flute, it’s got the crow, it’s got this white dude talking over it. If you make a song that’s just one verse and has a standard beat, you should know that people expect BARS – if the focus is on Aitch, and not the minimalist beat, which didn’t need two producers, or the catchy club chorus and hook, then we need impressive flow or lyricism. You know, wordplay, cool punchlines, something. Aitch doesn’t even have bars. How are you going to make a song about bars when you don’t have bars? I mean, the flow does get impressive by the end and I’m astounded by how he just keeps going here, especially when he’s got nothing interesting to say, and he does ride the beat fine, until he literally gives up at the end. Like, come on, this is a lead single, not a SoundCloud loosie one-off. At least try.

#33 – “Dior” – Pop Smoke (featuring Gunna)

Produced by 808Melo

When this charted, the late Pop Smoke would have recently passed away as result of a shooting and home invasion. I was never a fan of Pop Smoke, and I won’t pretend to be like most of the people listening to his songs after his death. I can say that anyone who is murdered by cowardly thugs at age 20 deserves at least a respectful message and best wishes to his mourning family and close friends. May he rest in peace. You hear that, record labels? In peace. Don’t milk this guy’s unfinished material like you did X. At least be respectful with it like they did with Peep (mostly) and Mac. My feelings on the song are irrelevant at this point, and I feel like bringing them up would be almost disrespectful, but it is my obligation to say that I don’t like the song, his uninteresting cadence, his somewhat homophobic lyrics or the shitty Gunna guest verse on the remix. The beat admittedly does kind of bang but otherwise, I’m just not a fan; the rest of his posthumous album is actually quite a bit better. I personally really like “Snitching” and “Make it Rain”. Regardless, rest in peace, Pop Smoke, and I’ll stop the review here.

#21 – “On” – BTS (featuring Sia)

Produced by Pdogg and Mick Schultz

Oh, yeah, these Korean boys are back... kind of. I mean, they’re always gunning for a “comeback” but it does feel arbitrary to have comebacks every four months. I like BTS for the most part, and their songs do tend to grow on me a lot as time goes on. “Boy with Luv” is such a grower, as are “Fake Love” and “Make it Right”. However, I didn’t like the lead-off single from Map of the Soul: 7 (“Black Swan”) to be interested enough in this new album, so I haven’t listened to it and probably never will; I never actually listened to the last album. I was hoping that this new single wouldn’t fall into the trap a lot of K-pop does, and, oops, it does. There’s a chaotic structure that mixes tribal drumming intros with spacey trap drums, awkwardly Auto-Tuned bilingual singing and rapping from all of the boys, none of which sound particularly good here, not even in the chorus, which has a lot less groove than the other singles I like from them, with a pretty stiff, electronic drum beat. The flow isn’t particularly impressive and I don’t really buy in to the cute aesthetic of the music, so overall, this is just ear fluff that serves little purpose to me other than wasting my time. The Sia remix isn’t any better, either. Congratulations on the top five hit in the US, though, boys. I hope the record label isn’t treating you that bad, although they probably are, knowing the situation with some other overworked bands there. I won’t make any baseless assumptions, though. In terms of K-pop, I prefer YUMDDA. Check him out, I like “Flight” especially.

#20 – “After Hours” – the Weeknd

Produced by the Weeknd, DaHeala and Illangelo

By this time, the Weeknd has released his album, obviously, but at this time, it was a promotional single that came out of nowhere and surprised everyone with how non-single it was. Despite me loving the two lead singles, I didn’t listen to the album for whatever reason (I should probably get on that, actually, since it’s the Weeknd I’m probably missing some good stuff), so let’s hope the title track boasting a six-minute runtime and no discernible chorus gives me a good taste for the album. I mean, the production here is pretty sweet, for the most part, and I like the urgency given by the alarming synths in the intro, coupled with a pretty tight falsetto and grand vocal performance from the Weeknd as always (Can I call him Abel?). I can’t help but feel the song does drag on a bit, though, and I hope that’s not just my attention span but this does get a bit tedious, especially due to very little interesting development towards the climax in the intro, which means the drop feels abrupt and thus not satisfactory in the least, but it’s a pretty great beat admittedly. Actually, the song reminds me of one of my favourite songs of all time, “Instant Crush” by Daft Punk and Julian Casablancas, which is a similarly eerie robotic funk song with vocoder-mangled falsetto vocals. Whilst that song is constantly emotive and full of great hooks from each and every inch of the music, vocals and lyrics, this one feels completely aimless, and after four and a half minutes, it just meanders for a little bit, proving itself as a bit of a waste of time, frankly, even if the lyrics are very well-written albeit vague and perhaps not necessarily too profound or interesting, especially since this is building up a story presented throughout the album. I appreciate this for what it is, but it could have been a LOT better.

Conclusion

Best of the Week probably goes to “City of Angels” by 24kGoldn, which isn’t what I expected but it’s the only song I actually saved from this bunch. “After Hours” by the Weeknd gets the Honourable Mention, but just barely. Worst of the Week would be a bit of a dick move if it went to anyone else but Aitch for “Mice”, and there isn’t really anything worth a Dishonourable Mention here. Let’s move on.

NEW ARRIVALS: 08/03 #40 – “Blueberry Faygo” – Lil Mosey

Produced by Callan

Listen, I really didn’t want to like this stupid TikTok dance song that samples a cheesy 80s R&B track by Johnny Gill, but, man, this is just inescapably catchy. Lil Mosey is a pretty pathetic rapper on his own, so I didn’t expect him to hold himself in any capacity here, but he flows and rides the beat well enough, which is surprising considering his hot garbage fire of an XXL cypher verse. The real standout here for Lil Mosey’s first UK Top 40 hit is the beat from Callan. You just can’t resist the soulful sample and jovial vocal samples here, it’s such an addictive, fun track, and that’s without Li Mosey rapping a repetitive but infectious chorus that can’t get out of my head at all. Yes, he doesn’t talk about anything interesting here, at all, and he bites TAY-K of all people in the first verse, but the verses are short and they immediately transition back to that sweet, sweet chorus. I feel like this is the stuff Lil Yachty should still be making right now, but alas, he’s being Oprah, I think. Yeah, I love this type of cloud rap that just oozes sunshine and beachfronts. It’s not a great rap song and it’s not even a great song, but it’s impossible to resist that beat, and it’s not like this kid from Seattle who may or may not be able to say the N-word is ruining that for me.

#35 – “Death Bed” – Powfu featuring beabadoobee

Produced by Otterpop

Or, as it now wants me to call it, “Death Bed (Coffee for Your Head)”. It’s not often a song just straight-up renames itself but hey, it’s the streaming era. Anything can happen. Speaking of unpredictability, this is the first UK Top 40 hit single for both half-Filipino BRIT Award nominee beabadoobee as well as sadboi Canadian rapper Powfu, and the first UK Top 40 hit single for the genre of lo-fi hip hop beats to relax and study to. You love to see it: lo-fi hip hop in the charts. Honestly, this genre gets way too much slack and there are releases I adore from people like Jinsang and GentleBeatz, and if you look at it in a broader sense, you can look at stuff like MIKE, Navy Blue or the newer Earl Sweatshirt stuff, and I eat that stuff up now, so what I’m saying is: you can’t really go wrong with lo-fi hip hop... until you do. This song sucks. Powfu’s flow is cringeworthy at best, and the pitched-up beabadoobee sample runs through the whole song, becoming pretty irritating by the end of the song in all honesty, despite the original song being pretty sweet, in my opinion. This got big on TikTok, and listen: Powfu can’t sing and he can barely rap (This dude’s flow sounds like it came from Looperman.com), but I won’t complain about people digging the undeservedly maligned genre of lo-fi hip hop in 2020, so I’ll accept Powfu and I’ll accept Will Smith’s quarantine beats, if it makes people accept and appreciate the genre just a bit more.

#28 – “Boyfriend” – Mabel

Produced by Steve Mac

Mabel will not bring anything interesting to the Tabel. I can almost guarantee it. I don’t mind Mabel at all, I mean, Neneh Cherry’s daughter has got to have some talent, right, but relistening to her discography, I noticed it is plagued by bland and uninteresting R&B production. I love her voice and some of the songs are still pretty fun, especially “Don’t Call Me Up”, but overall, I find myself disappointed and the potential wasted. This song is actually pretty okay, to be fair, as most of her songs are, but mostly due to an interesting sample choice – “Remember Me” by house DJ Lex Blackmore, or Blue Boy. “Remember Me” was a massive hit for him, and in reality, the sample here is actually a sample of a sample (from “Woman of the Ghetto” by Marlena Shaw), but my favourite song of his is “Sandman”, which is an infectious and fantastic song that I think is quite underrated, despite performing somewhat well on the charts at the time. You should check it out, it’s amazing. This song, on the other hand, has no interesting characteristics other than said sample. Thanks, Mabel, very cool. Let’s move on to something interesting.

#5 – “Stupid Love” – Lady Gaga

Produced by Tchami and BloodPop

I mean, I hope this is interesting. It’s the big return for Lady Gaga onto the pop scene after A Star is Born practically saved her career, and with BloodPop behind the boards, it’s got to be at least interesting, right? Right? Unfortunately, I don’t think so. I actually like the sound of the chugging 80s synths here that remind me of the 2010s club boom, which of course was Lady Gaga’s heyday, and while I didn’t exactly expect lyrical depth from that era of Gaga, I expected some of the development in her music since to shine through here and it just hasn’t, making this song feel really shallow and empty, and dare I say, boring. Gaga’s vocals here are as good as ever, and in fact, quite unique in the pre-chorus, and I can definitely say the whole song is just one train of constant hooks playing on top of each other, but the transitions are shoddy and abrupt, the vocaloid drop is typical and whilst it sounds great and is well-implemented, strips the song of the character it could otherwise have, especially coming from one of the most interesting and engaging pop singers of the last decade. I can see why this underperformed, as this song is like a Simpsons rerun with all of the funny jokes cut out. Basically, it’s disappointing.

Conclusion

I don’t think there can be an Honourable or Dishonourable Mention here, but Best and Worst of the Week fall out pretty nicely. Best of the Week goes to, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, Lil Mosey for “Blueberry Faygo”, whilst Worst of the Week goes to “Death Bed (Coffee for Your Head)” by Powfu and beabadoobee, for just being the epitome of dullness. Again, let’s move on to something different.

NEW ARRIVALS: 15/03 ALBUM BOMB: Eternal Atake – Lil Uzi Vert

Hey, an album I actually listened to – and liked! Lil Uzi Vert has always been hit or miss with me and whilst Eternal Atake is more of the same in that regard, its highest highs are incredible, especially in the middle third of the album, but overall, despite some filler and straight-up bad tracks sprinkled throughout, Uzi’s sophomore effort is very enjoyable, slightly more so than its pointless deluxe reissue (although I come back to “Bean (Kobe)” with Chief Keef a lot more than I’d like to admit). Now that I’ve praised the album, let’s talk about one of its worst songs, because, well, that’s how chart works.

#37 – “P2”

Produced by TM88

Should this really count as a new song? I mean, it’s a glorified “XO TOUR Llif3” remix, with the same producer, practically the same chorus and definitely the same premise, and whilst I didn’t like the original, I understand its purpose, story and appeal. Here, despite my respect of the continuation of the song’s narrative, I question the existence of the song. Did the original need a continuation? Not at all. Does this cheapen the original song’s impact, legacy and influence? I mean, not directly, but instead of being able to appreciate the original in the context of one-off hit single by charismatic emo-rapper, I know have to comprehend it as the disappointing sequel to a film that was never all that great in the first place. I’m not a film buff so I can’t think of an analogy that’ll work for that exactly, but you know how there was that old episode of SpongeBob with Bubble Buddy that was fun but overall pretty forgettable? Yeah, they tried to bring him back in season eight but the new episode was just bland and didn’t even promise what a sequel should promise, whilst also being pretty pointless as the original’s cliffhanger worked fine and added to the episode, as did the overall mystery of the Bubble Buddy character that had been dissolved with the creation of a new episode? Yeah, that’s my analogy, don’t care. Next song.

#36 – “Baby Pluto”

Produced by Cousin Vinny, Bugz Ronin, Brandon Finessin and Ike Beatz

Now THIS is the Uzi I like. Much like “Free Uzi”, which probably should have been on the album, this is Uzi spitting rapidly with a slippery flow that at times creeps into off-beat territory but isn’t noticeable because his energy level is astounding and rubs off on the listener. Lil Uzi’s charisma and tone is determined yet loose, and he switches from flow to flow and from topic to topic swiftly and without a care in the world. It helps that the beat from the Working on Dying collective is freaking incredible (Although not the best beat on the album), with sweet glistening piano loops and sci-fi sound effects dropped in for some reason or other. The beat is also genius in how it cuts off exactly where you’d expect it to drop, teasing you every time that Lil Uzi’s flow reaches the point where the beat should logically drop, until it finally does and it is so satisfying, especially when Uzi gets in his lower register and actually sounds intimidating. The term “Baby Pluto”, whilst being a nickname Uzi uses, isn’t even mentioned in the chorus, but there’s an equally iconic line here, “I turned to an addict, I bought me a Patek”, which is just poetry. I don’t know exactly why he’s going to war, either, but hey, it sounds cool, right? “I bought a G-wagon, that shit was the BRABUS”? I have no clue what the hell that means, but it sounds awesome. He’s so casual in how he goes from verse to verse and from flow to flow, it sounds effortless. Lyrically, it’s all over the place (But generally correlates to luxury) – his neck is “on squeegee”, he mentions Ouija boards because of course he does, he seemingly doesn’t understand the concept of blindness (Seriously, Uzi, Stevie Wonder couldn’t see THEM, not the other way around). In the second verse, he brags about being a pescatarian (In a pretty clever way) and moves states for again, seemingly no reason. And, of course, in the third verse, he says he is so sex-deprived that he’d even do it with your girlfriend in a Honda Accord. Sure, there are some filler lines (I don’t think any “icy wrist” pun can beat Future’s ridiculously blunt “I just put my whole damn arm in the fridge”), but they go by so quickly and so breezily you don’t notice them. This is a great song, and an incredible introduction to the album as a whole.

NE W ARRIVALS #39 – “Supalonely” – BENEE and Gus Dapperton

Produced by Josh Fountain and Gus Dapperton

A song by zoomers for zoomers which got big on TikTok. It’ll make sense in the context of this depressing pandemic, in fact all pop music seems like it’s having suicidal thoughts right now. I’ve heard of Gus Dapperton before; he was on the 13 Reasons Why soundtrack with a vaguely 80s-sounding indie pop song that to be fair, I actually really liked! In fact, listening to it now, I think “Of Lacking Spectacle” should have actually been the big hit, but alas, we have “Supalonely” by BENEE, who I’ve never heard before. She’s from New Zealand but her biggest listening audience is Jakarta, Indonesia, for whatever reason, and I guess I should get onto the song... wow, this sure is a song. It’s like the groovy funk and disco pop without much groove or even funk – this song feels really staccato, especially due to that droning chorus, intentionally of course but accentuated by more sincere, Auto-Tuned inflections and ad-libs that add emotion and character that take this song from being “understandably boring and annoying due to its subject matter and hence better in that it reflects those emotions effectively” to being “wasted potential and perhaps just a failure at making a pop song”. I like to use the word “janky”, but so far, most of these songs have been too competent for my liking. Oh, and Gus Dapperton sucks here too. Have fun with your guitar lick you found on FL Studio, guys, but I’m not a fan.

#26 – “Self-Obsessed” – Da Beatfreakz featuring Krept & Konan, D-Block Europe and Deno

Produced by Da Beatfreakz

If you’re not British, you will statistically have no idea who these people are. If you’re British, you will statistically have no idea who most of these people are. Da Beatfreakz produce a lot of British trap and Afroswing hits, Krept & Konan are one of the biggest grime duos of all time, Deno was a guy who was vaguely funny on a song once so we kept him around, and D-Block Europe... well, they’re D-Block Europe. Just as I was talking about songs being too competent, we review this song, which will likely be a trainwreck. Firstly, let’s get it out of the way: what dumb shit does Young Adz say in this song? Well, it’s not initially clear who’s self-obsessed but he’s talking about a woman here, because we’ve got to love that sweet, sweet misogyny, which is even blunter and more disgusting in British rap for whatever reason. You know that if you already ate it in the Porsche, you’re not legally obliged to give her some more, right? You can just give who is assumingly  a prostitute a wad of cash and drive off, as you are big famous rapper man. In the chorus, he also says he sells crack but only smokes marijuana, which is reassuring I suppose, and that he plays chess on his Louis Vuitton bag because he is bored. Okay, he’s trying to say that he’s so rich he could deface designer fashion but playing chess isn’t exactly a messy activity, and I highly doubt this man knows how to strategically play it. Also, who are you playing chess with? The prostitute, or the other member of D-Block Europe, Dirtbike LB? Speaking of, his verse depicts the time where he was thinking about the... anatomy of the woman his best friend was... interacting with when he crashed that Porsche. Also, if this woman is so self-obsessed, why are you not letting her get a Louis bag before she sucks you off? I know it’s just flexing and rapper talk, but it’s painfully not self-aware. He also has an odd moment of feeling love for the woman but immediately retracts it after a one-line topic shift, because of course he does.

Girl, I hate it when that love’s feeling strange / Paid cash for the car, that’s the Range / If I ever said, “I love you”, then I think I’ve gone insane

Wait, how many cars do you have? Oh, and Young Adz comes in immediately afterwards.

Long story short, made a boy do the running man

Oh, and he’s actually kind of funny on purpose for once.

Three litres of blood, swapped it for a couple grand

Wait, wh—

Should have saw her face when I crushed a Xan

Huh?

Every bitch want to f*** a man

Somebody’s got to tell this dude about lesbians before it’s too late. This is all, in typical D-Block fashion, rapped awkwardly and stiffly with 17 layers of malfunctioning Auto-Tune and reverb coating the two until they’re indistinguishable over a beat that... admittedly, this one’s pretty good, but I swear it’s a fluke. Oh, and if you hadn’t had enough of Young Adz, his ad-libs are all over Konan and Deno’s verses. No-one else says anything interesting, by the way.

Said she want to F a drug dealer, but, baby, I wasn’t raised in the trap

Bro, then why are you on this song? Deno’s whole verse seemingly revolves around the fact he has never sold drugs and doesn’t use swear words. Yeah, this is tough, but exactly what I expected.

#3 – “Rain” – Aitch, AJ Tracey and Tay Keith

Produced by Tay Keith

Tay Keith’s beats are all the same. Aitch’s bars are all the same. It’s a perfect combination. At least AJ Tracey could be amusing here, and admittedly he is, with a catchy chorus and a pretty great verse, where not only does his flow stand out as particularly interesting but he throws a lot of funny pop culture references in there too, like Kenan Thompson, Bugs Bunny and the ridiculous “gyal on curry, neck McFlurry”, which he accentuates with a “bling-baow”? The first line is actually a reference to an obscure term for people from Manchester coined by Liam Gallagher, and Aitch is from Manchester, so, you know, it’s those nice little additional touches that count, and while AJ’s verse isn’t exactly flooded with wordplay, Aitch, come on, man, step your game up. Your flow and rhyme scheme is excellent but you have absolutely nothing to say. There’s a vague Blueface reference, I think, but that’s all. Ultimately, the song isn’t bad at all, and the beat is pretty menacing and slaps pretty hard, with both rappers riding it effectively, especially Aitch’s straightforward, intimidating triplet flow in the pre-chorus and AJ’s more rapid, free-flowing cadence, and, hell, I have a soft spot for that dumb eagle caw sound... but I mean, it’s just more of the same, and I can’t think of a way to restructure it that makes sense; without the chorus it’s too short and directionless, without Aitch it’s too staccato, and without AJ Tracey, it’s outright garbage, so, yeah, mixed feelings but I can listen to this with no issue. Oh, yeah, and this is Tay Keith’s first UK top 40 hit as a credited artist.

Conclusion

Best of the Week definitely goes to “Baby Pluto” by Lil Uzi Vert, with an Honourable Mention to Aitch, AJ Tracey and Tay Keith for “Rain” because, well, it’s somewhat entertaining, I guess. Worst of the Week goes to “Self-Obsessed” by whoever the hell with a Dishonourable Mention to “Supalonely” by BENEE and Gus Dapperton for existing simply without purpose. Let’s move onto something different.

NEW ARRIVALS: 22/03 #37 – “Papi Chulo” – Octavian and Skepta

Produced by Go Grizzly, YoungKio and BricksDaMane

Or something exactly the bloody same. This is Octavian’s first UK Top 40 hit. Welcome to the chart. As you can tell by the Skepta, this is a British rap song that might have some more quality to it than usual. So, it’s produced by the “Old Town Road” producer, YoungKio, and it’s got a Latin-flavoured guitar, as well as stupid falsetto skrrt ad-libs instead of a chorus, gross sex talk that is just unpleasant to listen to, misogyny for days, and Octavian sounding like Sean Paul on painkillers. Yeah, just absolutely disposable, exhaustingly dull garbage which I don’t have much to say about. Maybe doing this in bulk is getting to me.

#35 – “The Take” – Tory Lanez featuring C**** B****

Produced by Sergio R., Play Picasso, Papi Yerr, Tory Lanez, Alo905 and Rajah

There was a Drake interview where he said he squashed his beef with CB because it was “silly” and “girl stuff”... you know, like when he gruesomely and infamously assaulted Rihanna. Silly girl stuff. Yeah, I’m glad you and Ray William Johnson are on the same page, Drake – I hope at least someone gets that reference. I am not listening to CB, I am not helping CB, I am not funding his bail next time he kicks a woman in the face for not liking his new five-hour epic about having sex with your girlfriend. Tory Lanez, please don’t play as an enabler or apologist for this man anymore. I’ve heard your album, you know how to rap, don’t give any playtime to this sicko who barely knows how to function as a non-violent, law-abiding citizen. Thanks, Tory.

Edit: Fuck, nevermind. Both of these guys make me sick.

#34 – “Boss Bitch” – Doja Cat

Produced by Sky Adams and Imad Royal

Finally, someone talented this week. I don’t know why this song actually peaked and debuted this high though – I don’t know if the film it was attached to, DC’s Birds of Prey, did particularly well here in the UK, but I know the nation likes the Harley Quinn character enough for E4 to start airing the mediocre animated series to much appraisal, so I’d assume the song got popular off of that, maybe? Otherwise, Doja Cat’s a pretty big star now so it’s a good choice for the soundtrack, especially since she does give off the same vibe as a lot of the film. Yes, I did watch the movie, and it was, as most movies I have watched, vaguely tolerable. This song was in it, during a scene that I remember being colourful. What insight. Anyway, the main focus here is the song itself, and yeah, it’s pretty awesome. Sure, you can rip on how derivative of Nicki Minaj it is, and she does sound exactly like her here sometimes, especially with the Barbie references, but you can’t deny that infectious, simplistic mantra of a chorus, and the pure charisma diffusing out of the sassy lyrics and nasal, aggressive vocals from Doja, often resorting to yelling, as well as that noisy house-pop beat with chimes and screaming in the background. It is just a beautifully chaotic song, especially with the off-beat pitch-shifted vocal loops in the final chorus; hell, it doesn’t really work well as a pop song because it’s just so bloody all over the place, and, yeah, I can dig this. It’s pretty much a complete mess, but it takes you along for a ride with it, so I’ll endorse it.

#32 – “No Judgement” – Niall Horan

Produced by Tobias Jesso Jr. and Julian Bunetta

Before I write this section, I am going to take a break because I have written entries for a bunch of songs in the span of an hour and a half if that, including one or two that were very long, hence I am starting to grow tired of the chart music and also sound very cynical. I didn’t want to sound too cynical when talking about a pop song like this, which is frankly just existent and relatively inoffensive, even if its funky tropical guitar beat does feel dated and Niall Horan’s vocal presence is so small compared to “Nice to Meet You”, which is a really good song, and—Goddamn it, I’m reviewing the song anyway. Okay, well, let me just conclude this and then I’ll take a rest.

Conclusion

No Mentions of any sort here because there’s one garbage song, one awesome song, one song I cannot mathematically have an opinion on, and one which I do not want to listen to due to being morally righteous or something like that. So, yeah, obviously Best of the Week is Doja Cat’s “Boss Bitch” and Worst of the Week is “Papi Chulo” by Octavian and Skepta. See, this different format works out well because this would have been a short-ass episode otherwise. I’m barely awake now and actively feel myself nodding off every few sentences – sorry for any errors due to this but I can’t be bothered to fix them – so I’ll see you when I’ve rested, I hope.

NEW ARRIVALS: 29/03 #39 – “War” – Mastermind and Bandokay

Produced by LiTek

Just so you know, I had to check the Spotify credits for this song because there is seemingly no Genius lyrics page with all the details and such (as of my writing this). It exists, for sure, but it just lists the artists, the title and displays a “no lyrics available” message, with the cryptic song bio of “Mastermind X #OFB Bandokay”. I mean, sure. Well, I have no idea who these guys are, but their song kind of bangs. Well, at least the beat does, produced by LiTek, who I have also never heard of. That fluctuating flute paired with the pretty intense, exploding trap patterns make for a rap song that actually feels like it’s fulfilling the purpose trap should. I say that without taking into consideration that both of these guys can’t rap for squat and that most of the time, their high-pitched nasal Auto-Tuned whining – or “crooning”, if I’m being kind – is pretty aggravating and pretty derivative of their American contemporaries. British hip hop has never been particularly unique but with the pretty great drill beat here I expected at least some attempt to reflect its intensity in the vocals, but alas, this is just okay, if that.

Oh, apparently Bandokay was the son of the late Mark Duggan, who was killed by police, leading to the 2011 England riots. The more you know.

#36 – “Sunday Best” – Surfaces

Produced by Forrest and Colin Padalecki

I listened to this once without writing anything about it, and honestly, yeah, that’s enough. I should, hypothetically, love this song. Surfaces are two dudes with pretty alt-rock voices who decided to make a pretty, cute pink indie-pop song with a pretty nice trap skitter and simple piano chords, as well as a lot of robotic stuttering. This sounds like it should be some great, catchy stuff, but I actually found this pretty infectious in a different way, which may sound insensitive considering the current state of the world, but I don’t care, this song is garbage. These guys can’t sing, and they don’t want to attempt to hide that fact, instead obnoxiously sharing that with the world through their egregiously optimistic lyrics that seem pretty reassuring in these times, if you’re into shallow, vague rhymes and repetitive fluff that substitutes any kind of genuine, inspiring message or motive. I would say I’m disappointed, but I’m not entirely sure how low my expectations were in the first place.

#34 – “Flowers” – Nathan Dawe featuring Jaykae

Produced by Nathan Dawe

I assumed this would be another trap or grime song but actually this seems to be a DJ once again using uncredited female vocals for his electro house tune fused with dance-pop and a bit of UK garage. I am pretty intrigued by Jaykae’s feature though since he’s a rapper. The song focuses on the UK garage sample used, which is “Flowers” by Sweet Female Attitude and Cutfather, which was a pretty massive song for the genre in the year 2000 that seems to be pretty adored amongst British musicians. It’s been covered by Bastille, remixed by AJ Tracey and finally sampled by Nathan Dawe and Jaykae. I recognise the song – I don’t particularly like it but I respect in how it is a pioneer of the Vocaloid drop that became big in electropop, house and related genres like future and bubblegum bass decades afterwards. Nowadays, despite some pretty and surprisingly modern production at times – it definitely sounds like some bubblegum bass stuff from years later – it’s a pretty sloppy song, thanks to some unneeded complexity in the drop, and ends up sounding clunky as all hell. This new song uses the stems of the vocals – or perhaps a re-recording from the group themselves, or at least a pretty damn good impression – to create a pretty standard house tune that is nothing to write home about but is joyful enough and pretty club-ready. I like the vocodered “Whoa, baby” in the pre-chorus, but overall it just seems like a lazy flip of the original, especially since the drop is basically unchanged. Jaykae’s verse attempts to recreate the hype of a fun verse the DJ or a classic grime MC would add at a club and I do appreciate the new nostalgia for this type of music, but his verse is also kind of garbage. Also, despite his lyrics, this song is decidedly not the type of music you would sip lean to, but, sure, Jaykae, whatever you’re into.

#17 – “In Your Eyes” – the Weeknd

Produced by Max Martin, Oscar Holter and the Weeknd

It’s the Weeknd’s 22nd UK Top 40 hit: the double A-side with “Heartless” was released oddly, with “Blinding Lights” here being released days after and about a week after, was finally accompanied by a music video that’s really just an advertisement for Mercedes-Benz vehicles. Neither single got to experience their best possible tracking week in full, but nonetheless, both are still pretty high because it’s the Weeknd, and I’m actually somewhat excited for this. I’ve heard that it interpolates A-ha’s cheesy 80s synthpop classic “Take on Me”, and it wouldn’t be the first rendition I’ve heard of the song in 2019. That would be Weezer’s hilarious cover on both the Jimmy Fallon show (Where they played it with kids’ toys) and their “Teal Album”. Sorry, I bring Weezer up too much. Is the song good? Hell, yes. It starts with an overwhelming wave of ominous distortion before retro 80s synths quickly come in and an iconic, reverb-heavy drum pattern comes in that sounds awfully familiar – it’s probably also from “Take on Me”. The synth riff, as typical with 1980s synthpop, is hilariously grandiose and egregious, but the Weeknd kills it here as well, not letting the instrumental or even the freaking bongos playing during the verse shine over him or put him off. He blends in with the airy synth painting in the chorus, and it is gorgeous, it really is. I wish this was a tad catchier but that definitely will be a possibility for it to grow on me later on (Which hopefully it does, it’s already perfectly qualified for my best of 2020 list). The Weeknd’s vocals on the bridge are oddly powerful, and that last moment in the penultimate chorus where there is this epic beeping synth that rises until the synth riff drops once again is awesome. The pre-chorus is probably my favourite part, though, especially when the synths cut out for it to just be the Weeknd over the drums, right before the chorus kicks in. I love this so much, unexpectedly so, and I’m so glad it charted so high. I hope it survives the Christmas songs, though.

Okay, all jokes aside, this is a good song, albeit safe as all hell. I feel like I’ve heard this song a bunch of times before, not just in “Blinding Lights”, and Abel can perform, sing and even produce better than this, so I’m left with little to no original insight. I’ve grown to like the Weeknd more when he’s on his depressed trap-R&B style as well, so this is even less appealing to me now. Oh, yeah, and the Doja Cat remix is cool, in fact I might prefer her verse to the original song. She flows pretty well. Oh, and I figured I should specify the Doja Cat stuff would have been written before the whole ‘oops, she’s racist’ scandal. I don’t defend her on that really. In fact, due to a lot of this being written in bulk at different periods of time (Half of this review is from January, the other half being from both May and July), some things may be pretty dated or currently untrue.

Conclusion

The only good song here is Abel’s, so I guess Best of the Week is going to “In Your Eyes” by the Weeknd and Worst of the Week goes to Surfaces’ “Sunday Best”. Nothing else here is all that good or bad, or even worthy of a mention, so next month?

APRIL NEW ARRIVALS: 05/04 ALBUM BOMB: Insomnia – Skepta, Chip and Young Adz

No, I didn’t listen to this album either. What, you think I’d listen to an album by a guy called Young Adz? The Guardian gave it four stars because it had Skepta on it, if you’re interested. Let’s just listen to the songs and get this over with. It’s Young Adz so it’ll have some funny lyrics at least.

#32 – “Mains”

Produced by Skepta

Oh, no, I like this song. This beat, produced by Skepta, is actually pretty incredible, with a very catchy, joyful flute loop smoothly placed under a pretty hard trap beat, which sounds really cutesy, kind of like some Lil Yachty stuff. And Skepta, of course, being Skepta, pretty much kills it – in a good way, that is. His flow is impeccable and I mean, how can’t you ride a beat you produced? Young Adz is actually fine here, and I’d argue his ad-libs actually add to the experience here rather than subtract from it as usual. I’m actually starting to like this guy’s zany charm. He’s much better than Chip, who sounds rusty as hell here, with some badly-fitting Auto-Tune and an off-beat flow. The whole song is one verse between a chorus, with all three rappers sharing the verse pretty much equally. Young Adz kills his second verse in a way I never expected him to, and I love how his ad-libs are implemented into the beat and his “WHAT?! SKEET!” yells are honestly really charming. Yeah, this is pretty good, but it’s Young Adz so...

I’mma whip that crack like banana pudding again / When I step in the bando, fiends and the workers act like Vladimir Putin just came

Got a little three-two concealed in my boxers, call that fire in the mains

You know, now that this guy has improved, these ridiculous non-sequiturs start to sound more like a genuinely funny guy rather than just... an idiot. Also, this:

Come in her p****, a lava lamp

That’s just gross, man.

#18 – “Waze”

Produced by Cardo

I hope this one is good, I mean, I’ve never liked Cardo as a producer, but trap has always been dependent on the vocalists anyway, and Skepta and Adz have both never been ones to disappoint, each in their unique ways. The music video for this is rather pretentiously subtitled “the movie” for whatever reason, by the way. The song, despite the beat coming in via a fade out, which is an odd decision, is pretty okay beat-wise, albeit uninteresting. Young Adz decides to be a lot slower and whinier here so he’s pretty boring and much worse than when he goes on his speedy, rapid, ad-lib-a-plenty verses. Chip tries to be badass but ends up sounding pretty dull, although his verse about rappers claiming they’re the best when they’re the only people in the room is kind of funny, unlike Adz here, who isn’t even humorous here. Skepta is just as bad as Chip, arguably worse, with a really short verse, so, yeah, this album is looking pretty inconsistent so far, just from two tracks. The album’s actually pretty short so I might listen later.

NEW ARRIVALS #38 – “If the World Was Ending” – JP Saxe and Julia Michaels

Produced by FINNEAS

I don’t know who JP Saxe is, I assume he’s some industry playlist singer. Julia Michaels we know, I assume, and FINNEAS is, of course, the producer of Billie Eilish’s hits and her brother. However, most of the time, his other productions don’t end up being nearly as interesting, unique or really anything like his work with Billie. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe that’s a bad thing, I, however, do not care, because frankly, nothing he produces outside of his solo work and with Billie ends up being all that noteworthy. His voice is just a typical white-guy-with-an-acoustic-guitar voice, the instrumentation is minimal and generic (I swear I’ve heard that same piano sound hundreds of times before). This song has been contextualised to relate to the whole COVID-19 pandemic and its consequences but that is arguably as ridiculous as the whole 5G garbage. Speaking of garbage, this song. Music criticism, everybody.

#28 – “Savage” – Megan Thee Stallion (featuring Beyoncé)

Produced by J. White Did It

I haven’t listened to a Megan Thee Stallion project but what I’ve heard ranges from tolerable to pretty damn great. I particularly really enjoy her breakout single “Big Ole Freak” and of course, I applauded “Hot Girl Summer” with Nicki Minaj and Ty Dolla $ign on this show before. On the other hand, songs like “Captain Hook” or “Cash Shit” with DaBaby, where Meg boasts about her prowess in both the bank and bedroom over a pretty simple bass-heavy trap beat are just dull to me, regardless of how funny her wordplay is or how occasionally impressive her flows happen to be. “Captain Hook” especially, I mean, at least “Cash Shit” had the DaBaby verse, splashy percussion and sound effects and some pretty memorable bars, as well as the iconic profanity-laden chorus. I haven’t listened to the Suga EP but I did like the lead single, “B.I.T.C.H.”, with the pretty nice 2Pac sample flip. Given that and the other songs I like from her, she may be at her best when she’s rapping over a soulful, early-2000s-esque R&B beat with a helpful pattering of trap skitters. Considering this is produced by J. White Did It, whose discography consists of cheap pianos, stiff trap drum patterns and blocky 808s, he sells off to mostly female rappers like Cardi B or Iggy Koopa, I’m not expecting that, I’m expecting a boring brag-rap song that Megan sounds way too good to be on, and, yeah, pretty much. To be fair to J. White Did It, this beat is pretty nice with the smooth keys and the driving beat behind Megan who kills it with the sass here in the verses, even with an overly repetitive chorus. I especially like the opening verse where she’s the hood Mona Lisa and breaks a [gnarly dude] to pieces, although the second verse has its equal share of notable and funny lines.

I keep a knot, I keep a watch, I keep a whip, ooh / Let's play a game, Simon says I'm still that bitch, ayy

A while ago, I made SpongeBob say the second verse using artificial intelligence and that was funny. Again, music criticism, everybody. Beyoncé isn’t out of place on the remix but I still think she’s not intriguing as a rapper, and I personally prefer her trailing ad-libs in the chorus. I do appreciate Megan adding like three new verses, which is pretty unprecedented, but the two do not have chemistry and it just feels like Beyoncé singing along to the original song sometimes, although her second verse is a lot better. I still prefer the original, though, it’s just more concise. Oh, and there’s an official chopped-and-screwed remix of this, and it’s pretty good, although it doesn’t give me the same ethereal vibe DJ Screw does. The whole “Say So” vs. “Savage” thing was a bunch of malarkey, by the way. No malarkey in Bikini Bottom, please.

#12 – “Believe It” – PARTYNEXTDOOR and Rihanna

Produced by NinetyFour, Cardiak and Bizness Boi

I still can’t tell if PARTYNEXTDOOR is a parody of alt-R&B yet. As with most of Drake’s OVO signees, he makes most sense as a backing vocalist for Drake. I like him ooohing on “Ratchet Happy Birthday”, which is a ridiculous joke song in itself, and his crooning on “Loyal” is just hilariously awful, so he’s just Drake’s friend who decided he could be funny and sing R&B songs, right? So. how did this dude get Rihanna? Okay, I’m half-joking, he’s a serious R&B singer, he just happens to be bad at it. We’ll talk more about Drake in a bit, so let’s listen to the single from PARTY’s most recent album... PARTYMOBILE. Come on, this has to be satire. Anyway, this collaboration is a perfect fit, mostly because PARTY wrote a bunch of Rihanna’s recent songs, but the song itself is a pretty soulless washed-out guitar lick under some inconsistently intricate vocal layering, a gross chipmunk vocal sample, a boring trap skitter and barely any Rihanna.

You got the power, p***y power

I can’t be the only one who thinks this guy is joking, right?

#9 – “Break Up Song” – Little Mix

Produced by Goldfingers and KAMILLE

Little Mix are a girl group practically formed by a talent show that have had more longevity than anyone would have expected but after leaving their awful label management under Simon Cowell, they’ve pretty much consistently flopped. They have these high debuts and drop off pretty quick, whilst Cowell is making cameos in sub-par Scooby-Doo movies. The whole team isn’t doing well after their decade of success, really, and one of them’s hosting a show on MTV or something? I don’t know, I keep getting adverts for it. This is not a good song. It is a vaguely EDM-fused pop song with some reverb-heavy 80s-esque drums. It sounds a bit like “Blinding Lights” production-wise. The lyrics are a remnant of the Industrial Revolution, the melodies could rebuild the Berlin wall, and the song has about as much worthwhile content as the Jewish Autonomous Oblast has Jews. That sounds a lot better than it is, but trust me, this song is just empty and void of anything. It makes his three-minute runtime feel like a Star Wars VHS, complete with grain.

#6 – “Break My Heart” – Dua Lipa

Produced by The Monsters & Strangerz and watt

Now THIS is some good nostalgic dance-pop. I loved the album, it was full of energetic, perfectly-constructed and excellently written bops, although it was slightly knocked down a few points by some filler, which sounds weird saying about a 37-minute record, so it’s a lot more or a bit less noticeable than a longer effort, if that makes sense. In this case, I was jamming out to the infectious hooks so much I didn’t even notice that two or three of the tracks were samey and boring... including the second single, for some reason. I still think “Physical” is pretty mediocre. This song, however, is one of the highlights of the album. The groove here is undeniable and Dua’s voice compliments the at-times minimalist production perfectly, especially in the intro where it’s just her and the bassline before it abruptly transitions into a dreamy pre-chorus full of strings... and then drops back into the pure funk for the chorus, full with strings and horns that despite sounding particularly 90s are effectively timeless. Is this anything that impressive production-wise? Well, no, it is a pretty simple track which is admittedly at times kind of sloppy and rushed, especially in said chorus, but the little touches like the spitter-spatter of 808s in the first few bars of the chorus before it truly drops are there, and they are pretty sweet. The bridge is my only real complaint because I don’t really see the point in its existence since it just repeats a line from the chorus in a really short string break and it seems kind of messy overall, kind of dampening an already fragile structure. Okay, well, it’s not a perfect song, and its flaws are evident towards the end of the song, but I can’t say that detracts from the experience for me overall. Oh, yeah, and I don’t usually watch the videos for these songs when or before I review them but, oh, my God, Dua Lipa in this video is so--

Conclusion

Okay, so Best of the Week is actually pretty much a toss-up here because there are two great songs with pretty obvious flaws that debuted this week, but I’ll give it to Dua Lipa’s “Break My Heart”, with Honourable Mention going to “Mains” by Skepta, Chip and Young Adz. Worst of the Week is also pretty difficult to plot, but I think I’ll give it to “Believe It” by PARTYNEXTDOOR and Rihanna for just being a joke of an R&B track, with a Dishonourable Mention to “Break Up Song” by Little Mix. Moving on...

NEW ARRIVALS: 12/04 #39 – “This City” – Sam Fischer

Produced by Jimmy Robbins

Am I the only one who thinks Jimmy Robbins is a funny name? No? Okay, well, let us discuss this next song then. Who’s Sam Fischer, you ask? Well, I  had no idea either so I looked him up and found out that he was some R&B singer from Sydney, Australia, and this song is a single he released in January of 2018 that happened to get big on TikTok – so big in fact that RCA Records slid in his DMs and signed him to re-release the song. So surely there must be something in this song to make it memorable to the average TikTok viewer, and hopefully something good. Before I talk about the song though, the Genius page at the time I’m reading it and writing this is hilarious and kind of heartwarming. Seemingly, this guy communicates with his fans via poorly-written Genius annotations, and there’s specifically this one person in the comments, Genius user “Sechser”, who is lonely, or “lonley”, during quarantine, and she wishes to express this on this Genius lyrics page for whatever reason, leading to someone else asking if they were on Instagram so they could talk. That’s nice and friendly, unlike my reaction to the person who said the song was underrated when it had four Goddamn remixes, including some from Anne-Marie and Kane Brown. While I’m on Genius, I might as well explain what the song is about: being exhausted and tired by the city you live in, and becoming disillusioned by everything going on around you, but not in Sydney, Australia. No, instead, this is a diss track towards Los Angeles, California. Clearly a cultural and economic hub that happens not be the capital of one of the biggest and wealthiest English-speaking countries in the world wasn’t good enough for him, so he moved to another one that fit the exact same description. Oh, and the song? It’s kind of boring. It’s just a white guy with an oddly-mixed acoustic guitar and vocal chords as generic as the plastic finger snaps that suck the power out of this power ballad. If this were the only pop music I knew existed, I’d say pop is dead. Let’s move on.

#34 – “Thank You Baked Potato” – Matt Lucas

Produced by Kevan Frost

Okay, so at this point, the UK is on full quarantine COVID-19 lockdown mode, and I am forced to talk about this in this episode because of this unfunny racist Anthony Fantano-looking motherf—

Okay, so back story: Matt Lucas is a comedian who got big off of the comedy show Little Britain with David Walliams and as a connoisseur of the Dave television channel, I conclude that he’s not very funny. Due to the fact that he portrayed iconic British stereotypes of the 90s and 2000s, such as the disabled guy (?), homophobic homosexual (Wait--) and... okay, so I don’t know how he got so loved by the British public, but he’s a bald guy who people found funny and now he’s making charity singles, not the first time he’s done so either. He also lent his voice to Gnomeo and Juliet because, well, of course, and fittingly this is a children’s song. In the early stages of the pandemic, Europe was asking everyone to wash their hands and stuff like that, focusing on the hygiene ethics that you should follow every day to prevent spread of the virus. So he adapted this song he wrote on some comedy show a couple years ago to fit with the ongoing pandemic, and it’s going to help the NHS workers. It’s a valuable cause for a guy who is ‘very sorry’ but also ‘very willing’ to bring back the blackface from not the 1920s but the mid-2000s, and also really eager to defend Israel’s breach of international law only when Black Lives Matter starts to comment on the situation in the occupied territories. He has also been rather cryptically tweeting videos daily despite his pinned Tweet claiming he has been taking a break from the platform, seemingly to hide his gross-out jokes and gross-out politics in case anyone realises that no, this man isn’t as much of a CBeebies-friendly happy chap with a bald shiny head and enthusiasm as you could have suggested. He’s still got the bald head I suppose but that’s beside the point. The song is (vaguely) listenable despite being completely irrelevant to the cause and also completely bad because he puts on this nasal annoying voice for half of it, when he can’t sing anyway. It’s almost like he’s making a mockery of the pandemic. Regardless of the song’s contents and history, we can all agree it’s a children’s song with a runtime of barely a single minute, hence it shouldn’t be in the UK Top 40, or even the charts at all. At least the guy who made “Baby Shark” wasn’t racist. Free Palestine. Anyway: Drake.

#2 – “Toosie Slide” – Drake

Produced by OZ

You know, I didn’t like “Nonstop”. In fact, I really hated “Nonstop” – but there was at least some charm in it, intentional or not. You know, the Tay Keith beat kind of bangs for what it’s worth, and some of the lyrics are really that bad that they cycle all the way back to being really funny again. “I just took it left like I’m ambidex’”, “Yeah, I’m light-skinned but I’m still a dark [gnarly dude]”, “Bills so big, I call ‘em Williams, for real”? Only Drake could make up garbage this humiliating for both him and the listener, and kind of get away with it. Surely, he can replicate that in “Toosie Slide”, his new drab, dry trap banger with a pretty audible lack of colour, especially in this time of depressing quarantine and lockdown and... yeah, no, this song just doesn’t work in any context. It was propelled by TikTok and is effectively and by all intentions, a dance song much like “Watch Me” or “Crank That Soulja Boy”. Unlike “Crank That”, however, it is not a song you can use in a mash-up or DJ mix, it is not a song you can exploit or have fun with, or even really dance to, despite the cynical, unabashed trend-hopping on display here. Maybe that’s the point, right? I mean, in the video, he’s dancing by himself in his massive mansion where he keeps art of Chairman Mao (Relatable) with a ski mask on, so maybe this intends to reflect the current lockdown period... but I can’t even stretch that far enough, and I tend to stretch the meanings of songs a lot on this show. Sure, musically, with its ambient synths and piano loops, it works as a parallel to real-life, and I guess how easy and depressingly boring the dance is also reflects that, but the rest of the song is completely irrelevant to both the lockdown and dance.

Black leather gloves, no sequins

Oh, thanks for specifying that you have no sequins, Drake, I appreciate that, it really helps create the imagery of a dull white void or a single balloon in the wind, drifting into thin air.

It goes: Right foot up, left foot slide, left foot up, right foot slide

Alright, so that’s a pretty simple set of instructions, I mean, I could do—

Basically, I’m saying, “Either way, we ‘bout to slide”, ayy

So the last instruction was not an instruction but just a recommendation? I just have to slide and that counts as a Toosie Slide?

Can’t let this one slide

So you are prohibiting any form of sliding. Got it.

Don’t you want to dance with me? No? I could dance like Michael Jack... son / I could give you thug pass... ion / It’s a Thriller in the trap... where we from

Okay, first of all, you cannot dance like Michael Jackson, secondly other than “Smooth Criminal” and I guess, “Bad”, he had very little thug passion. Thirdly, this is just lazy and Goddamn unbearably so. He mumbles to himself in a single, droning Auto-Tuned vocal layer, with little to no dynamics in the vocal at all, and clearly an obscene lack of effort that is just despicably abusive of the platform Drake has. He built his career through connections and a universal, likeable charisma, and he is doing a solo song where he shows absolutely no unique charisma at all. After not long ago reviewing “Baby Pluto”, where Lil Uzi masterfully creates a burst of character through rapping about being vapid, materialistic, and having as little character as possible, this is just shockingly bad, honestly. How are you going to make a simple, fun dance for children sound this grading and colourless? It’s almost impressive, honestly, which makes a nice contrast for the non-existent but nonetheless pathetic bars on this track. “It’s a Thriller in the trap where we from”? Bro, he said the Michael Jackson album and he just compared himself to Michael Jackson! This guy’s a genius? Oh, and he said this trap house he most likely did not grow up in or participate to the extent of having any detailed memories about that would constitute a rap verse was as scary as Michael Jackson! Wow, Drake, how many millionaire kiddy-fiddlers were in your meth labs? Jesus Christ, this is just deplorable, honestly. I try not to get upset or mad at songs anymore on this show because it’s just sounds at the end of the day, but this may just be the worst song I’ve reviewed this year so far. Usually I can put up with Drake’s nonsensical garbling or misogynistic rambles but without anything to sugarcoat Drake’s questionable morality and ethics, we can just see a pure-bred Aubrey Graham doing what he does best: being an absolutely miserable man in his thirties surrounded by yes-men and drunk on star power. It doesn’t even have an insensitive and nonsensical reference to Osama bin Laden like the other big Drake singles completely lacking in structure that were released this year, “Life is Good” and “Oprah’s Bank Account”, which by the way are both pretty great songs.

I could give you satisfac... tion

That’s not even a freaking Michael Jackson song—you know what, let’s just conclude this. I’m sick of this.

Conclusion

Oh, I wonder who will be getting Worst of the Week. Yeah, it’s obviously “Toosie Slide” by Drake, and I haven’t even written the reviews for the other songs while I’m writing this one, so make of that what you will; I will be more opinionated on the rest of the songs by the next sentence.

I wish I wasn’t. Both of those songs were garbage. No Best of the Week.

NEW ARRIVALS: 19/04 #39 – “Skechers” – DripReport

Produced by Ouhboy

This is a TikTok meme in which the Indian YouTuber talks about a woman being attractive because of her light-up Skechers. That is the song. That is the joke. Let’s move on.

No, but seriously, while I don’t find the song funny I appreciate it being some kind of lighthearted fun in what seems like a dour pop scene. The trap beat here is freaking pathetic though, and don’t get me started on the Tyga remix; seriously, I’m surprised his verse didn’t make Skechers cease-and-desist Tyga for defamation. The Badshah guy on the other remix kind of kills it though. Oh, and the actual Skechers gave away like a million face masks because of this song so I guess I do respect this stupid freaking song for its... cultural impact. Yeah, shawty bad with the Skechers. It’s a movement.

#24 – “Rover” – S1mba featuring DTG (DejiTheGamer)

Produced by RELYT

S1mba is a Zimbabwean musician who spent his first nine years under Mugabe before moving to Swindon, England, where he started listening to gospel music. DTG is a YouTuber from Croydon. Naturally, their big breakthrough single is a trap-Afroswing song about cars, or specifically the women that young British men can potentially attract with said cars... and somehow it is pretty good. That chorus is undeniably infectious and S1mba is a pretty damn charismatic guy who honestly sounds pretty good singing in the pre-chorus. DTG is considerably less impressive, Auto-crooning repeated lyrics several times with very little effort put into the inflections or cadences. The pianos here are pretty solid and I particularly like the strings in the outro. Also, the build-up to the third chorus is pretty epic. There are also four remixes of this song, including big names like ZieZie, Joel Corry and Lil Tecca, accumulating about 10 people across five songs. I listened to them all and here are my opinions: On the first remix, Poundz sounds kind of awkward as an auto-crooner, ZieZie sounds pretty great – I don’t really know why his verse is bilingual but sure, why not – and Ivorian Doll, who I assume is rather fittingly from Cote d’Ivoire, sounds great rapping but her stuttered singing is less than impressive. S1mba provides a new verse here and it’s pretty mediocre. The Lil Tecca remix is pretty great actually, with Tecca riding the beat effortlessly. Maybe the song can have some popularity stateside because of this? I mean, Young T & Bugsey did it with “Don’t Rush”, which I was surprised to see. Tecca sounds great on the outro, too. Oh, and there’s an Australian remix, too, because Aussie drill is a thing, apparently. The Youngn Lipz guy wastes time, and is not really sounding very Australian unlike the thickly-accented Hooligan Hefs who provides a pretty good verse which is kind of tonally out of place, which is the same with the Hooks guy. And finally, the house remix with Joel Corry, which is censored for some reason but I imagine is getting a lot of radio play despite being a lot less interesting and joyful than the original. It’s a pretty danceable, club-ready banger but you can’t really just get a song’s isolated vocals and put it on an unrelated house beat and expect the best... okay, well maybe Imanbek can, but that’s not the point. Joel Corry just does his thing here, and his thing is pretty freaking boring. Also, I’d like to point out that this is only the remix with DTG on it, and is hence not one of the best remixes. I’d put this above the Aussie remix and the first remix with Poundz and ZieZie (which ZieZie kind of carries), but below the original and the Tecca remix, which is my personal favourite and the one I’ll be saving. I really hope this remix trend continues to be a thing because I’m getting so much more writing out of this. Also, apparently this song is about a specific Range Rover – the 2019 Land Rover Evoque. Great.

Conclusion

“Skechers” by DripReport is Worst of the Week. I know it’s harmless and ultimately just a fun time but that Tyga remix is a crime against humanity, so “Rover” by S1mba featuring DTG and eight other dudes is Best of the Week. I mean, there’s only two songs so you could probably infer this conclusion.

NEW ARRIVALS: 26/04 #39 – “Where We’re Going” – Gerry Cinnamon

Produced by ???

Yeah, neither Genius or Spotify knows who produced this. I assume it’s the artist, Gerry Cinnamon, but that’s just my best guess. He’s an acoustic guitarist from Scotland, which is a bad sign, but this is actually a pretty damn good song. It’s a new wave-ish post-punk song with a fast-paced folkish riff that reminds me of The Cure, specifically a slightly more depressive “Just Like Heaven” came into mind immediately. Cinnamon isn’t a bad vocalist but his performance here is kind of sub-par and lyrically the song suffers from la-la-la syndrome but it makes perfect sense in the profanity-laden, careless tone of the lyrics and the song itself, which relies on the oddly profound hook of “Where we’re going this shit don’t matter”. Whilst I like this song a lot, I am slightly turned off by its dreariness which would work if the song weren’t four minutes, which is perhaps a couple choruses too long, but yeah, this is pretty good for what it is. I’m surprised it’s here in the UK Top 40, but this guy has been big in Scotland for a while so I guess this is his big single. He seems like more of an album artist, anyway. I need to listen to this guy’s album, perhaps.

#29 – “Rockstar” – DaBaby featuring Roddy Ricch

Produced by SethInTheKitchen

It’s funny how two songs can be so different yet so similar. At its core, both this and “Where We’re Going” are profane, carefree and reckless pop songs with acoustic guitar as a focal instrument and a pretty bleak-sounding atmosphere to it all, which is fitting with the world being bricks and all. The main difference between the songs is that DaBaby is not a Scottish punk singer, and, last time I checked, neither was Roddy RIcch, although things change pretty fast in the music industry, and Taylor Swift just released her overhyped indie folk album as I’m writing this, so who knows? It’s not even her best album. I stand by reputation being her best but I don’t think I should elaborate on that hot take until “cardigan” inevitably debuts at #1. This is the second #1 hit trap song in the US to be a duet between two rappers about being a rockstar (this one is stylised in uppercase rather than lowercase, though). DaBaby also made a song about being a “Pop Star”, which Drake and DJ Khaled did a couple weeks ago. Trap-rappers are really original, I swear. Anyway, the acoustic plucking here courtesy of SethInTheKitchen is pretty funky here, but the drums do feel pretty stiff here. I love the Auto-Tuned “Oooooooh” that I think Roddy provides; again, the second #1 this guy has had with a vocal gimmick. DaBaby flows impressively in his first verse, where he recounts when he killed a man in front of his daughter and that he’d do it again. As you do. Roddy isn’t particularly interesting here but his Young Thug impression hasn’t worn off on me yet, so, yeah, pretty okay, decent song. Not many lyrics to analyse here, either.

Brand new Lamborghini, f*** a cop car / With a pistol on my hip like I’m a cop

This line in the chorus inspired DaBaby to release a “Black Lives Matter” remix of the song, and whilst it’s not as good as the original, simply because the beat doesn’t drop or hit as hard due to the extended intro and the song’s brevity is kind of its main saving point for me, I really respect his introductory verse on the remix where he raps viciously without a beat about police brutality, even referring to personal experiences he’s had with systematic racism in the United States. Also, in both versions, the sudden and brazen “SETHINTHEKITCHEN” producer tag never fails to get a chuckle out of me. Now that we’ve listened to two pretty respectable pieces of art, how about some manufactured plastic-wrapped garbage made in a factory by television producers?

#25 – “You Taught Me What Love Is (Britain’s Got Talent Live Recording)” – Beth Porch

Produced by Matt Banks, Charlie Irwin and Paul Jones

Those are the producers of Britain’s Got Talent, if you’re wondering. Spotify doesn’t list any producer credits because of course, they don’t. This is not really a typical pop song rather it is Simon Cowell’s attempt at replicating an indie-girl songwriter with an acoustic guitar and typical indie-girl voice, and, man, I don’t like half of those artists and Porch here can sing, but come on, this is just pathetic and desperate. I remember when Cowell started the talent shows, he didn’t have to directly replicate other trends really because he was making and defining the sound of British pop music in a way. It wasn’t very good but you can remember some of his signatures that are still present in remnants of pop music on the island today, especially this song, which has the skyscraper chorus and crowd cheering at the end, but God, this is just sad. I’m glad we’ve moved past the need for singer-songwriters, boy bands and girl groups created by reality television for the sake of putting more money in old rich white guys’ pockets. If I were doing this show any earlier than 2015, I feel like it would have been plagued by this stuff. Thank God for the streaming era, I suppose.

#20 – “I’m Ready” – Sam Smith and Demi Lovato

Produced by ILYA

This is a Sam Smith song featuring guest vocals from Demi Lovato. They are both good vocalists. The production from ILYA is not very interesting. Okay, I take it back, the production here is kind of cool, because it’s half an intimidating dated trap song and half a piano-based power ballad, and neither of these guys are convincing on a deep sliding 808 or rattling hi-hats. Oh, yeah, and the trap beat sucks. Like what’s with that snare? Yeah, this is garbage. I’m not sure why I expected otherwise, to be honest. If this is motivational to you, all respect to you but to me, this is pure cremation.

#5 – “Times Like These (BBC Radio 1 Stay Home Live Lounge)” – Live Lounge Allstars

Produced by Fraser T. Smith

“Times Like These” is actually my favourite Foo Fighters song; I’ve never been a big fan of the band but they have some incredible songs that I love very dearly and “Times Like These” is one of them. I guess it’s a fitting song for the current situation but I’m not expecting the Live Lounge Allstars to bring anything other than a washed-out, dry and bland cover of this classic. Who are the Allstars? Well, BBC Radio 1 has a series called Live Lounge where artists perform covers live or something to that effect – I don’t watch/listen to it – and this song features a lot of artists from that show who are more relevant, commercially viable or connected to Foo Fighters genre-wise, including Simon Neil, Zara Larsson, Sam Fender, Rita Ora, Rag’n’Bone Man, Paloma Faith, Mabel, Hailee Steinfeld, Grace Carter, Coldplay, Celeste, Biffy Clyro, Anne-Marie, AJ Tracey (Wha—), 5 Seconds of Summer, Dermot Kennedy, Sean Paul (Because of course), YUNGBLUD, Sigrid, Royal Blood, Dua Lipa, Bastille, Ellie Goulding, Jess Glynne, and of course, the only Foo Fighters present, Dave Grohl and drummer Taylor Hawkins. I’m not going to pretend this song doesn’t have potential (I love Royal Blood and Dua Lipa, hell, a cover of this song with just those guys – or even Bastille – could work pretty damn well) but this is over-flooded with completely random artists, other than a couple rock bands picked out so they could replicate some sense of vague guitarism, whatever that means. Anyway, let’s remind ourselves why “Times Like These” works in the first place: it’s a lighthearted adult alternative song with a real message to learn from mistakes and to always think about the decisions you make before you hurt feelings or you feel guilty. It’s got a maddeningly infectious chorus, an iconic guitar riff and a so bad it’s good music video. It’s what the Foo Fighters are good at making, but it’s warmer and perhaps more intimate than usual, being based on actual events and internal drama within the band. It’s almost a diss track Dave Grohl wrote to himself, but in the most jovial tone possible with metaphors that are just odd and creative enough to be memorable to the listener. In the song, he beats himself up for being indecisive, ignorant and confused, before reassuring us and himself that he will learn from these lessons and become a better person, even if he has to drill the mantra into our heads. It’s just a great song... and it doesn’t really work in the context of this pandemic. Sure, the whole vague idea of becoming a better person in the new normal following lockdown, and how the lockdown will be troubling for the mental health of the British public, but otherwise, I mean, it’s a song that specifically refers to an event in Dave Grohl’s life, and has the typical, sludgy post-grunge vocals and some charmingly janky production choices (There, I said it), such as that echoing vocal in the verses. It all makes sense in the context of the song, though; here, it just feels impersonal. Sure, Grohl himself wrote off on it and contributed to the song, but there’s a certain lack of sincerity to the vocals here that makes the song’s profound lyrics feel cheap. I’m not going to say they disrespected a classic anthem. After all, “Times Like These” isn’t a brilliantly written song in the first place and it’s not like it’s influential or held in high regard. These singers are generally pretty talented, albeit not showing their best performances here. Despite that, with the slow, acoustic trod of this new cover, the shadow of dullness that looms over the whole song, and some outright garbage vocal performances from Simon Neil and YUNGBLUD, it doesn’t hold up to the original in any way. I wish this wasn’t acoustic either; again, Bastille, Royal Blood, Dua Lipa, Biffy Clyro and Coldplay could all do great covers of this song with some electric backing and some actual Goddamn energy. As is, it’s just a shoddily made charity single that misses the point of the original song completely. Oh, yeah, and the AJ Tracey guest rap verse is freaking AWFUL, and so out of place. It’s about making a wicked pasta bake, seemingly, and is capped off by Sean Paul giving the best performance out of any of the singers here, because, well, of course, he does. It’s Sean Paul. Big up the dude on the glockenspiel as well.

#1 – “You’ll Never Walk Alone” – Michael Ball, Captain Tom Moore and the NHS Voices of Care Choir

Produced by Nick Patrick

Reviewing this song misses the point of the song, as this isn’t a song for you to listen to, really. This is a song for you to appreciate and respect the charitable cause it represents. Captain Tom Moore is an army veteran who is 100 years old, making him the oldest person to ever get a #1 on the chart. He served in India and Burma during the Second World War, and 70-odd years later, he started walking laps around his garden to raise charity for NHS workers, and, naturally, he garnered media attention and attracted more than £30 million in donations. This song in particular is pretty special to a lot of Britons because of its attachment to the Liverpool football team (it’s been a crowd chant for a while after it was originally written by Rogers-Hammerstein in 1945 and further covered by Gerry and the Peacemakers in 1963). Even The Weeknd, who was #1 at the time, asked his fans to give him the #1 instead. Several people were inspired by Moore and practiced similar fundraising efforts that also raised millions for similar causes. After the song was released, Queen Elizabeth II, who is also approaching 100, knighted Moore, so, yes, he is Captain Sir Thomas Moore. I have nothing but respect for the man and his service to the country. To many people in the United Kingdom, especially elderly people who have had particular struggles during the pandemic and increased loneliness, especially without the otherwise regular family visits, he is a hero, and I completely understand that. I mean, the guy was on Blankety Blank once in 1983, so you’ve at least got to respect him for that. If you have the time, read up on the man’s life story, because as one would expect, he’s been through a hell of a lot in 100 years.

Conclusion

I can’t give Worst of the Week to charity singles, I’m sorry, I don’t have it in me. Sure, the Allstars butchered a great Foo Fighters classic, but if it helps people in these trying times, then I can’t say the song is worthy of my bile, really. So Worst of the Week goes to “I’m Ready” by Sam Smith and Demi Lovato, and Best of the Week goes to “Where We’re Going” by Gerry Cinnamon. Next month.

MAY NEW ARRIVALS: 03/05 #39 – “Kings & Queens” – Ava Max

Produced by Cirkut and RedOne

I just today found out that Cirkut ISN’T Dr. Luke. For some reason I always assumed so. Anyways, Ava Max is back to prove she’s not a one-hit wonder by making her one hit another time. Man, I’m just so bored of this. One of the reasons I stopped bothering or trying to make these blogs and music review list type things is that I gravitate less than ever towards music reviewing and journalism. I would love to use this hobby and passion for some good at some point and maybe make a career out of it but as an Internet music critic who reviews nearly exclusively chart music, this shit is just boring – and 2020’s supposed to be a really cool, unique interesting year for the charts. I’m kind of disillusioned with the whole cinematic top 10 build-up and this massive, melodramatic aggravated assault on the #1 worst song, when in reality everything is subjective and it’s not worth doing that. I mean, as well as I rested my case about “Taki Taki��, it doesn’t remove the song from existence or the charts. People won’t stop liking the song, it’s just my measly opinion, and, yes, while I think the whole idea of reviewing art is futile and at times counterproductive or toxic, it is completely fair to say your opinion on something, otherwise I wouldn’t be still writing this months after this song had first charted. I just don’t get the idea of a pop music reviewing community or whatever, which obviously does exist, and you’re probably a part of it if you’re reading this in all honesty, if you even got  this far. In the bluntest way possible, they just argue with each other. I don’t know, maybe I’m thinking way too much into this, it’s just a bit of fun but I just don’t care for the whole slog of reviewing five songs every week when I know I won’t like half of them. I feel like when I started, I viewed myself as one of those music-reviewing YouTubers with Pokémon avatars and top 20 rankings, and yeah, I don’t get that anymore from doing this. I just get apathy, although when I do feel happy and productive, which isn’t often nowadays, this is one of the first things I start thinking of and start doing so that should show that maybe chipping at this brick wall of Top 40 singles every couple months is fun? I don’t know. I decided today that I’ll release this block as the first part of this wall of sound, no pun intended, and I don’t know how good that’ll make me feel after releasing it. It’s definitely a relief, I guess. Anyway, Ava Max, I guess.

If all of the kings had the queens on the throne / We would pop champagne and raise a toast

Wait, sorry what was that?

We would pop champagne and raise a toast

Sorry, could you clarify that first part?

We would pop champagne

No. NO.

Pop champagne

#38 – “Don’t Need Love” – 220 KID and GRACEY

Produced by Will Graydon, Sam Brennan and Mark Ralph

Okay, back from mental trauma, is this song good? I don’t know, man, I don’t know who these guys are. 220 KID is a self-proclaimed “fizzy pop” artist from the UK, and GRACEY is a singer from Brighton who at some point lost her voice. Sure. This is their breakthrough song, I assume because of TikTok since they both don’t have an album yet, and I haven’t heard anything about them or their other singles, but I’m probably just ignorant. I mean, this is 220 KID’s debut single so they might just be a great, upcoming artist. I wouldn’t be able to tell because this is just really a mediocre house-pop song in theory. I mean, it has the exact same robotic, distorted and echoey vocal production, similarly thumping bassy beats, a stitched-up vocal drop, but something about this sounds cold. Maybe it’s the weak albeit bouncy production and snapping, maybe it’s the odd amount of dead space, maybe it’s the admittedly cool-sounding synth pads, but really, I think it’s just that non-existent drop. It doesn’t feel climactic, it doesn’t feel like anything, it just feels like someone ate the charting dance-pop singles from the past three years and regurgitated it. GRACEY sounds really nice in the falsetto towards the end now, and I like the melodies in the verse, I suppose. It’s not all bad, not that it was bad in the first place, just sonically void of personality. Also, there are way too many remixes and different releases but I still listened to all of them. The acoustic version is really sweet, and I think I actually really like how this song is written when hearing it stripped-down, but her desperate moaning in the chorus of the acoustic version feels a lot more genuine than the pitch-shifted garbage we get on the official, not that it doesn’t sound awkward on all versions. The Majestic remix is kind of nuts and I like the UK garage production but it’s way too long, and the TCTS remix is just the original with annoying beeping.

#26 – “Righteous” – Juice WRLD

Produced by Charlie Handsome and Nick Mira

I’m still pretty hurt that Juice passed. To be only 21 and die so suddenly after such a successful albeit brief career, at a moment where Juice seemed to be on top of the world more or less, is a tragic reality and Juice seemed like a nice, genuine guy from interviews so it was pretty shocking to hear the news, to say the least. Now, this gets awkward, like Pop Smoke from earlier, in the case that I was not a fan of Juice WRLD, and I’m still not. I think he was a very talented songwriter who attracted a fanbase due to a pretty unique 2000s emo-pop-inspired brand of trap, and he wrote some of my favourite emo rap songs ever, like “Lean wit Me” or “Robbery”, which is a damn excellent song and one of my favourites of last year. It even was in the top five of my Spotify Rewind 2019 playlist, I love that song to bits. However, most of his music had not appealed to me, and to be honest, I haven’t listened to that posthumous album, Legends Never Die, and probably never will because of that. I don’t want to dislike an album that serves as a genuine tribute to a good person, and I also am not sure if I’d be able to get through the entirety of the album, to be honest, mostly because of this song, which impacts me emotionally in a way not many songs do. The instrumental consists of a pretty sparse, spacey and minimal guitar-based trap skitter that is just a perfect base for Juice to pour his emotions onto in a way that feels eerie and sad but also pretty accepting, which makes the lyrics feel haunting, especially because the topics he discusses are mostly centred around how he thinks death for him is imminent. The first lines of the chorus already hit so hard with how he pictures himself as a “righteous” angel figure in his all-white Gucci suit and says, “I know that the truth is so hard to digest”. Then Juice continues to talk about the sheer quantity of drugs he’s consuming, which is just harrowing. This song feels like Juice was introducing someone to his lifestyle and realising how depressing and draining it was as he goes, especially in the first verse, where by the end he starts reassuring someone, who could be his girlfriend, his audience and fanbase, but most dauntingly, himself, that he’ll get out of this addiction and lifestyle at some point, when, in reality, he passed before he could even try, and he passed as a consequence of this lifestyle. In the second verse, he parallels how he died in his lyrics, saying and almost threatening to his inner demons, who he characterises as people he knows (but they “don’t know [him] like that”), that he will “take a pill for the thrill, have a relapse” and “crash”. The fact that this song is sprinkled with the silly, melodramatic metaphors not atypical to Juice, makes this song feel directly personal and not a retelling of the same line a lot of emo-rappers have sang and sadly, some have fallen victim to, about taking copius amounts of Xanax and codeine. Much like “Robbery” and a lot of his other work, Juice adopts a longing and nasal cadence and vocal delivery, but it feels much more trained and tuneful here, especially among the subtle vocal samples in the verse, and it is used sparingly in turn with a more muted delivery, particularly prominent in the chorus and the second verse, which connotes Juice’s lethargic acceptance with a lifestyle that he fell victim to. I don’t react emotionally that much to music, and I think that’s the same with a lot of people, but those first two lines in the chorus hit like a dagger and sound so great while doing so. Rest in peace Jared Higgins, and may the beauty of this song reflect on your talent.

#14 – “If You’re Too Shy (Let Me Know)” – The 1975

Produced by Jonathan Gilmore, George Daniel and Matthew Healy

I really loved “Me & You Together Song” but I find it hard to get behind anything else these guys made, really. They actually released an 80-minute album this May featuring backing vocals from Greta Thunberg, because of course, they did. I feel like if they started making music that was more natural and organic and didn’t try to make Pitchfork-bait political statements or whatever, I would appreciate them more. Not that I’m against political statements in songs – I’m definitely not, in fact, I’m sad “The Bigger Picture” by Lil Baby missed the top 40 this year – but the 1975, particularly Matt Healy, have never commented on pop culture in a way that’s not incoherent, preachy and frankly kind of stupid and obnoxious. Thankfully, this song, their biggest so far, is just about meeting a girl on FaceTime so you know, it makes me much more optimistic. The intro is really pleasant ambiance, but that awkward main guitar/bass riff makes it sound a lot less serene and more chaotic, even with FKA twigs providing some choral background vocals. Then the steady drums and 80s synths drown it out and once again, it suddenly becomes a fun, catchy song, even if Healy sounds really annoying with some inflections and notes that just sound... kind of horrific, especially with the multi-tracking that makes him even more irritating. He sounds even worse on the pre-chorus, but the cheesy and unabashed chorus where he says “Maybe I would like you better if you take off your clothes” followed by this corny, clearly synthesised horn riff, is just incredible. I kind of have to embrace Healy’s incompetence here because I can’t help myself but chuckle hearing him shout over 80’s beats in a way I guess isn’t too dissimilar to bands like Duran Duran, and hey, I love Duran Duran, and this is a good replica of a post-new wave 80’s synthpop track, even with a Goddamn saxophone solo. Is it too long? Yes, but so were those 80’s songs, and they just awkwardly faded out afterwards, and there is a shorter edit without the intro that cuts a whole minute off the track, meaning it starts just as awkwardly as it finishes, but that’s kind of the charm. Yeah, this is a pretty fun track, and maybe that Notes on a Conditional Form album is worth checking out. Maybe I give the 1975 too much flack. Wait, nevermind, no, I don’t, they’re called the 1975.

#11 – “The Scotts” – THE SCOTTS (Travis Scott and Kid Cudi)

Produced by Dot da Genius, Plain Pat and Take a Daytrip

Whoever decided to call this song “THE SCOTTS” is a brilliant mind and intellectual. Not only do I laugh every time I see this song title, just on pure absurdity alone, but it’s also by The Scotts. No one will proudly say, “Yeah, I’m listening to “THE SCOTTS” by THE SCOTTS.” It’s also in all caps as if it’s this monumental, groundbreaking track, or at least an important, interesting one, but it’s actually just because all Travis Scott songs will be TITLED LIKE THIS NOW, ever since ASTROWORLD. It also amuses me that this makes absolutely no sense if you tell someone that this is actually a collaborative project between Kid Cudi and Jacques Webster. Travis Scott’s name isn’t even Scott, and Kid Cudi’s never used it in his name, although admittedly, in a lot of songs – and many I adore and remember fondly – he does say his name, Scott Mescudi, or some shortened variation of it. He doesn’t do it here, but Travis does say “You lettin’ THE SCOTTS outside”, as if it’s dangerous to let THE SCOTTS outside of their zone or outside of their cage or whatever. This song was also performed and premiered live on Fortnite, has like ten different vinyl editions to bump up its sales (It went #1 on the Hot 100 in the US in fact), and, man, the very idea of this song and everything surrounding it is just funny to me. Too bad the song’s not. I really like the keys loop used here coupled with some great-sounding drum fills but it is just destroyed by this ugly, slow bassy trap skitter and really gross-sounding Travis Scott vocals. He just uses this one lethargic flow, and switches it briefly in less of a technical or interesting way than Cudi does later in the song, delivering a really great verse, but my issue is that it sounds like a Travis Scott verse. He even tries to do his ad-libs. Then there’s this chiptune outro that sounds like a Mike Dean idea, mostly because it sounds kind of cool but doesn’t go anywhere and doesn’t do anything to improve this shoddy song and its messy, dare I say, janky structure. “Baptized in Fire” is a much better collaboration from these two, and it’s telling that that one doesn’t have a verse from Travis at all. Rodeo is still amazing, but this guy has been disappointing and underwhelming for such a long time now. Maybe he’s lost his charm, but even with ASTROWORLD, where his experimental production shines and he is the most energetic he is in recent years, he just sounds tired and lazy. And Cudi, well, he’s Cudi. He’s made some of my favourite songs of all time, and some of the most confusing garbage I’ve ever heard. The duality of man.

#6 – “Houdini” – KSI featuring Swarmz and Tion Wayne

Produced by AjProductions and Jacob Manson

Hey, this mildly amusing but definitely not my thing YouTuber got two of my favourites of the recent crop of British Afroswing and drill rappers on the same track. That’s something, right? I mean, yes, this is something, because this beat is AWESOME. It’s so full of joy and energy, even with the dark 808 tones and sparse vocal tones. I just love the bouncy, funky production on this thing and Swarmz kills it on the chorus with his typical happy nasal tone. Stormzy also kind of kills it, at least for the first half where he flows really swiftly and with a lot of smooth swagger, before he starts listing things and saying “Check” afterwards, for whatever reason. Tion Wayne delivers the clumsy fun he usually does, and whilst neither him or anyone here really brings any interesting lines or wordplay with them to the track, except a really awful corny line from KSI where he says his fourth letter is getting bigger in the alphabet, the track still feels really fun and cheerful, and most importantly full. Even when there’s literally silence, or no-one’s saying anything, it never feels like there’s dead space because the beat is always doing something cool. This is notable especially when Tion Wayne starts flowing really awkwardly and even when the beat cuts out for a really odd, nothing line, it still feels kind of worth it. Not much to say about this song other than it bangs, and a lot more than I’d expect from a guy like KSI.

Conclusion

I actually have pretty positive feelings on this week, which is good to go out on, I suppose. Best of the Week is obviously and undeniably going to the late Juice WRLD’s “Righteous”, with tied Honourable Mentions to the 1975’s “If You’re Too Shy (Let Me Know)” and, yes, KSI’s “Houdini” featuring Swarmz and Tion Wayne. There’s not much to complain about here, so Worst of the Week goes to “Kings & Queens” by Ava Max for the kind of vapid nothingness I can’t even bring myself to stay on topic to talk about and Dishonourable Mention to “THE SCOTTS” by THE SCOTTS because it’s “THE SCOTTS” by THE SCOTTS, and I don’t know about you but to me, that’s just laughable. See you in the next year, hopefully.

[xsilentthoughtsxlouddreamsx]

Bonjour!

Hello everyone! My name is Shi, nice to meet you. This blog is entirely committed to learning french. Here i will post study material and paragraphs in french to help me with french vocabulary retention. Really most things posted will be novice level and will be mostly basic material like phrases and most common verbs, nouns, household items places etc. This blog is beginner friendly and critique friendly :). Occasionally, ill post my learning goals and what study habits i use to help me stay committed, on track, and motivated to learn french.

About me 

Shi again. yea hi :) Im mid 20′s and i enjoy the idea of knowing another language lol. i imagine myself knowing more than one language and im making an effort to learn french using any comfortable means necessary. I dream of traveling and becoming someone who is good at speaking and understanding many languages, a polyglot if you will. Last year i studied dutch, Spanish, and Japanese and guess what? I only retained one language (Spanish, in terms of communication and reading on a basic lvl). Unfortunately because i decided to study 3 at once i had to take a step back, SLOW DOWN, and TAKE MY TIME. Also, that whole experiment made me change the way i practice language learning and retention. This year i plan only to focus on french, using new helpful methods to help me learn more efficiently. I feel that if i can find a learning foundation for french, i could use it as an blueprint for learning, speaking, and communicating in other languages im interested in learning. I’ve always used tumblr for trash meme’s, appealing aesthetics, and funny ass debauchery but here i am, blogging for study purpose or interaction purposes lololol. Anyway, we’ll see how this blog turns out. I got like 5 tumblrs lol and i only really use 3 of them including this one. I really hope some good practice will come from this and and that i can stick with this blog for at least a year.

Polyglot community

I literally just discovered y'all like last year and omg i wish i did sooner. The amount of information y’all put out is so dang helpful. I have a hard time coming up with study ideas and language learning habits and goals. I see questions i have on here all the time but are too damn lazy to log onto reddit and post. Im looking for this blog to become big hit, but i am expecting it to help at least one person. Its nice to see the dedication you all have towards learning another language and i got to tell you, seeing other people on their journey and making progress really gets me motivated. I often try to do anything and every thing on my own but iv learned that you really need some for of communication in your target language to make any kind of positive progress towards comprehension and communication. Communicating with others on the same language learning journey as me will be complete new. Im sure somewhere down the line i will begin to start making internet friends, will will also be something new and scary to me. Anyway, i am excited to see what this blog bring me whether its friends, study habits or just general blogging satisfaction.

My goals

My goals are trash right now but hopefully as this blog grows i can add meaningful goals that will improve my fluency in my target language.

learn most common phrases

learn most common nouns

learn most common verbs

learn most common  adverbs

learn most common conjunctions 

learn most common prepositions

learn most common pronouns

learn most common determiners

learn 500 french words

forming basic questions

learn 15 most common verbs in present tense 

So these are like default basic goals that most people are aiming for but there are more goals i eventually plan to add once i interact with the community more and find other beneficial goals worth aiming for to reach basic fluency.

This was a basic introduction for this blog. When this blog gets a little more continent  ill update this post of perhaps make a new one with more stuff. anyway, this is pretty much it. Expect more language learning content in the next few days. Bienvenue and Enjoy!

[beatricethecat2]

if/then (2.0) - 11

Part 2 of Chapter 10 (read first!)

Previously: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10

Read first if you are new! gutted/sorted and wax/wane…if/then is a continuation of those two.

////////////////

After a long day of adventures, the “island of a bed” turns into a gym as Christina shows off her moves.

“Mom, block me!” Christina says.

Helena hops up and nearly loses her balance as she strikes a defensive pose.

Myka watches safely from the couch, her body sprawled across full length as Claudia’s out for the evening. Christina’s energy knows no bounds, and after a few minutes, Myka closes her eyes, enjoying what feels like her first moment of downtime in weeks. She makes a game of guessing their moves from the corrections Helena makes; it’s fun to test her knowledge after all the practices she’s attended. Helena once told her she’d learned Kempo during her rehabilitation after her accident, to keep "idle hands occupied," though she wonders if there wasn’t a stronger motivation.

“Again,” Helena instructs, and Myka’s heart warms at Christina's endearing grunts and groans. Today was so uplifting, yesterday's dark thoughts seem a world away. Looking back, the confluence of negative situations and low blood sugar were to blame; ice cream and an eventual lunch worked like a charm to temper her fears. And though her revelations with Claudia this morning led to more questions than answers, the fact someone else is clued into the situation has relieved some of her burdens, and hopefully, Claudia will keep her mouth shut about it all to Helena.

She glances at Helena, and when Helena notices, she smiles in a way that says, “I’m sorry she’s keeping us up, but I’ve missed this so much.” Myka smiles back a “you're really cute, I don’t mind at all” smile, holding Helena’s gaze until Christina tackles her. She wishes Helena’s past wasn’t tarnishing the gloss of the scene, as some of the things she said last night were truly worrying. But she does trust Helena has everyone’s best interests in mind, even more so after Helena initiated heart to heart talk.

Last evening, post shower, while Myka dug through a drawer to find pajamas, Helena slid her arms around Myka's midriff.

“I thought you’d fallen asleep,” Myka said.

“Christina has, but I thought we might talk," Helena said, in hushed tones.

Myka'd been on edge all day after her display that morning and was hoping to avoid talking about it entirely, in hopes a good night’s sleep would set things straight. But Helena's comforting embrace soothed her rough nerves. She dropped the t-shirt she was holding and sunk back into Helena's arms.

As they shared a moment of calm, Myka thought about how Helena’s elation over Christina being near wafted off of her in waves all day. And as those waves lapped up against her, she had a revelation: there are many, many Helenas—she shifts her shape to fit situations—but this Helena, the one with her today, whose identity is intrinsically linked with her child, was the one she fell in love with. Other versions may surface from time to time and many may remain a mystery, but at her core, the Helena she knows and loves is the one with Christina present.

When Helena released her, she took hold of her hand and guided her to the couch. As they sat, Myka met Helena's gaze and was surprised to find uncertain eyes staring back at her.

“I’d like to apologize for my behavior last night. And this morning,” Helena said, taking hold of Myka’s hands. “It was entirely uncalled for. I blame myself for your feeling poorly, and I’d like to make amends."

Myka squeezed Helena's hands; this was not what she expected, but the sentiment was overwhelmingly welcome. "I understand why you’ve kept things from me to a point, but what about Wooly? You introduce me to him then totally clam up."

"I hadn't thought that through. Introducing you."

“He seemed nice."

“He is. And was. We shared some memorable times while I was finishing school after my stint in Europe. But I put all that behind me when I left London. And now...” Helena scooted closer to Myka. "I want to be who I’m striving to be for you, not who I was."

“But you’re here for the foreseeable future. You'll have to face your past. Who you were is part of who you are now, and I want to know all of you."

"I wouldn't be so sure."

Myka laced their fingers together. "Nothing you say will make me love you any less. What are you afraid of?"

“As of late? Macpherson winning his appeal. If he does, my involvement with Mrs. Frederic will not be looked upon favorably. He could cause further harm with a flick of the wrist. And to you by proxy.”

Myka stiffened but kept hold of Helena’s hands.

"I hadn’t thought of this until now, but it’s likely Mrs. Frederic pulled you from the sale to protect you until this is settled."

“That…actually makes sense,” Myka says. The anger she’d been holding over her dismissal dropped down a notch, but it still pricked like a thorn. “Do know if it’s happening without me?”

“I haven’t a clue. But if it is, you’re better off without it. We’ve no way of predicting what tricks MacPherson might pull."

“Can Mrs. Frederic protect you?"

“Her reach is limited where I’m concerned, but you—"

“Why didn't you say something earlier?"

“The less you know the better."

“But if something happens to you it affects all of us."

“If I have my way, none of it will affect any of any of us, ever."

A fuzzy buzz kicks Myka into the present, and she glances at its source on the end table. She hikes up to see whose phone it is; it’s Helena’s. There’s no name on the display, but the number is familiar. Her mood immediately sours as she realizes who it is.

“Phone’s ringing,” Myka says, loud enough for Helena to hear.

“They’ll leave a message,” Helena says, mid-tussle with Christina.

Myka glances at the vibrating object again then settles back into the couch, closing her eyes, listening closely to Christina and Helena’s playful tones. But her hopes of traveling back to the happier place fall flat. Why is Bonnie calling so late, let alone calling at all?

Helena and Christina’s sparring tumbles across the room, and Myka falls victim of a surprise attack. She struggles but ends up with Christina laying on top of her, pinning her down.

"Perhaps you can calm her," Helena says, inching away from the scene.

“Yeah, make that my job," Myka jabs.

"In this scenario, you’re the better choice," Helena explains. She swipes her phone off the end table and taps it awake then scowls at the screen. Her face pinches as she listens to her messages, in a way that indicates something’s definitely not right. She taps the screen again and, phone to ear, walks across the room toward the window.

Christina wriggles on Myka's lap as if inducing her to play, but Myka wraps her arm around her tightly, holding her in place. Christina gives herself over easily, her body slackening, exhaustion winning over after their event-filled day. Myka smiles at that, thinking perhaps they'll all sleep well tonight, and as Christina settles, she tunes into Helena’s voice as she converses with the caller.

- Thursday's out of the question.

The mention of Thursday saddens Myka, as incidentally, that was the day of the pre-sale showing.

- I can’t reschedule. You should be aware of that.

Myka glances over at Helena. She's leaning against the wall but her body’s tense, and she's fingering the edge of the curtain.

- I don’t care of the consequences. You sort it out.

Myka winces at the bite in Helena’s tone.

"Is mom ok?" Christina asks.

"I think so," Myka says. "We'll ask when she's done.”

Christina snuggles closer to Myka and Myka adjusts to hold her weight. She places her hand on Christina’s back and lays her chin on the crown of her head; she can’t believe she ever questioned her loyalty to this child.

The call ends, and the room falls silent. Myka glances over the top of the couch and sees Helena, arms crossed, staring out the window.

“Everything ok?” she asks, bracing for what response she may get.

“Work,” Helena grunts, without looking at Myka.

She pushes off of the wall and crosses the room then drops her phone on the end table. Circling the couch, she lifts Myka and Christina’s legs and navigates underneath, then plops down into the corner. Myka lowers her legs, and allows Helena to sit stewing for a moment, then extends and arm across Christina’s body and takes hold Helena's hand.

“They farm staff out to events to ‘advertise our brand.’ Corporate parties, wedding receptions and the like,” Helena says, rubbing her thumb over Myka’s. “I have two exams on Thursday, and I’m meant to work that evening.”

“Was that Shirley?” Myka asks, coyly fishing for details, then suddenly realizing there’s no reason the number scribbled on that card belongs to Bonnie.

“No. Bonnie,” Helena says, with a sneer.

“The blonde?” Myka answers, as innocently as possible. Maybe now's not the best time to bring up the topic of the card nor Bonnie’s other career, but someday she will.

“She is rather hands on, as you may have noticed.”

“Can everyone be quieter? I’m tired.” Christina mumbles.

“You should bathe before bedtime,” Helena instructs.

“Can I do it tomorrow?"

“We’ve an early start if we’re to make it to the park before Myka’s departure."

“Why does Myka have to go? I just got here."

"She has work."

“She always has work. Can’t she stay?”

Helena looks at Myka and poses the same question with her eyes. Myka looks back and smiles.

“I could probably stay another day.”

“Yay!” Christina exclaims, grinning ear to ear. "Can we spar more?” she says, twisting towards Helena.

“Moments ago you proclaimed you were overly fatigued."

“I changed my mind."

Christina rolls off of Myka and drops to the floor with a thunk. She yanks on Helena’s hand.

“I’ll see if I can get the same flight out as them,” Myka says, lifting her legs so Helena can slide out from underneath.

Christina tugs Helena towards the bed then runs ahead and jumps on top. Helena turns at the bed’s threshold and looks back at Myka. As she holds Myka’s gaze her expression darkens, then brightens as if she’s caught herself showing something far too close to the bone.

“I’m pleased you’ve decided to stay,” she says, sounding as if it were a heavily debated issue. Christina throws her arms around Helena’s middle and Helena turns, reinitiating their grapple.

------------

Myka’s triumphant change of ticket leads to a leisurely morning, though it was Claudia’s connections that saved the day. After an unsuccessful call to the airline and a few feigned tears from Christina, Helena suggested Myka contact Claudia and ask for help. Myka said she'd try again as Claudia was out with friends, but Helena vetoed the option and called Claudia herself. A flurry of texts later, Myka's ticket was miraculously changed. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief and promptly went to bed.

Their amended schedule begins with a return to the crepe restaurant as Christina’s desperate for Myka’s opinion. Next, several busses are then ridden, top deck only, right at the front, allowing hours worth of birds-eye views of the city. Then, after a journey up a never-ending hill, they disembark in a parking lot and wander towards a terra-cotta and yellow-ochre bricked building with a sizable rosette window.

“Where are we?” Myka asks, hardly able to take in the entirety of the place, her gaze hanging on its high arched glass roof.

“Alexandra Palace,” Helena says. "Ally Pally for short."

“Ally Pally. That’s funny,” Christina says, her head bobbing as she mimics her mother’s accent.

"Built by the Victorians as a center of recreation, it became home to the BBC Television Services in their early years. That massive antenna sent out the first reliable 'high definition' television signals in the world.”

Everyone stops in their tracks and tilts their head back to take in the structure.

“Can we climb up it?” Christina asks.

“No need. The far end of the park boasts sweeping views of the city.”

“It'd be cool if we could.”

“Agreed,” Helena says and smiles at Christina. "I thought we’d take in the exhibition of historical television equipment, and afterward, nip over to the duck pond and rent a boat.” She nods toward a clump of trees on the other side of the parking lot.

“There’s boats?” Christina says, her face lighting up.

“So that's what the bread’s for,” Myka says, pointing to a bag sticking out of Helena’s tote.

“Or, possibly a light snack if no ducks are available,” Helena says, pushing the bag of bread down in the bag.

“Bread is junk food for ducks,” Christina says.

“Is it? Bread's been fed to ducks for centuries, yet now it's an issue?” Helena says.

“We learned that in school. I brought lettuce for our field trip to the park."

“I’ve remember that. I ran out to buy some the night before,” Myka adds.

Helena sighs. “Then we’ll feed the ducks sparingly. We wouldn’t want to perpetuate any duck obesity problems." She takes hold of Christina’s hand and looks over at Myka. “Shall we?” she asks, and Myka nods. Christina motions for Myka's hand and Myka takes it, and they walk towards the entrance hand in hand.

They explore every accessible nook and cranny of the Palace and sneak a peek at the newly reconstructed Grand Willis Organ before wandering back outside towards the duck pond. Much to Christina’s delight, there's a choice between traditional row boats and fanciful paddle ones, and a heated debate ensues. Helena’s logic wins out in the end—when would they ever pilot a dragon?—and she and Christina man the helm. Christina paddles until her legs give out then Myka moves to the front to fill in.

"How do you know about this place?" Myka asks. "It's pretty far from the city center."

"I'd come here often when I was finishing school. It was calming to sit and study by the pond."

A half an hour later, they dock the boat and secure a bench facing the lake. Helena pulls the bread out and hands a few slices to Christina. Christina runs off toward a cluster of coots, moorhens, and mallards gathered by the water's edge.

“Junk food be damned,” Helena says as she watches Christina throw bread at the ducks with abandon. “Speaking of sustenance, we should think about lunch.”

“We have time,” Myka says, scooting closer to Helena, threading their arms together. “It’s so nice to not feel rushed. Can we stay like this forever?”

“One day, I hope.”

“I don’t want to go back,” Myka says, leaning into Helena.

“Nor do I want you to. I rue being left on my own, twiddling my thumbs until your next visit.”

“You could meet up with Wooly. That might be fun.”

“Fun,” Helena repeats and angles her head, so her lips nearly touch Myka’s ear. “The ‘fun’ I’d rather pursue resembles our night together after the bar.”

“That was fun,” Myka says, her pulse quickening at the thought. She skims her fingers over Helena’s shoulder where her teeth left a mark. “I wish I hadn’t had so much to drink.”

“I wish I hadn’t either.”

“You were drinking at work?”

“Shirley slipped a shot on that tray for table four, and I may have partaken previous to your arrival."

“Helena!”

"I was genuinely worried you’d not show.”

The trepidation in Helena’s eyes hits Myka squarely in the gut; she cups Helena jaw and guides their lips together. “You shouldn’t have been,” she says, stroking Helena’s cheek, then kissing her again, relieved to hear Helena was out of sorts that evening, too.

"Perhaps Christina could sleep in Claudia’s room tonight so we may have a moment alone.”

“I’d like that,” Myka says and shifts to rest her head on Helena’s shoulder. Helena lifts her arm and circles it around Myka, and they watch Christina throw bread as far out as she can.

“She seems happy,” Myka says.

“As am I,” Helena says, hugging Myka closer.

“I wish we could stay. All of us."

“Are we still working towards Christmas?"

“I’m not sure I can swing it with just the Italians."

“I’ll speak with Mrs. Frederic. Perhaps she can offer you a place in the—" Helena’s phone rings. She slips it out of her pocket and glowers at the screen. “Speak of the devil,” she grumbles and taps to accept. “Yes," she says and untangles herself from Myka. She listens for a moment then stands and steps away.

“I’m aware of that, but I’ve…what about…” Helena looks at Myka and rolls her eyes. “I can’t not be there…no…yes…fine,” Helena huffs, her face scrunching up as she listens. “Crystal,” she says before hanging up. She looks down at her phone and sighs.

“What was that about?" Myka asks.

Helena grimaces. “Nothing I’m at liberty to say."

Christina comes running up from the side. “Can we go see the kite?" She points to the horizon beyond the palace.

“Kite? I see nothing but cumulus clouds.”

“It was there, a minute ago. We have to find it!” Christina grabs Helena’s hand and pulls her towards the parking lot.

“Ducks are clearly passé,” Helena quips, looking back at Myka with a smile. “Onwards,” she says, and nods.

Myka gathers their bags and dutifully trails behind. As she catches up, an enormous box kite appears in the sky and dotted below, several smaller kites. She leans into the fence at the top of the hill and watches Helena’s lips lift into a small smile.

“Lovely, aren’t they?” Helena says without taking her eyes from the kites.

“Beautiful,” Myka says.

“There’s a cat!” Christina yelps and points to cat head with a glittering, fluttering tail.

“So free,” Myka says.

They stand in silence, watching the kites dance and dip across the bright blue sky. Everyone gasps when one takes a nosedive.

“The wind gives the appearance the kite is free, but its string controls its movements. One tug and it's grounded in an instant.” Helena glances at the persons flying the kites, then over at Myka. “You are my wind,” she says, placing her hand on Myka’s shoulder. “Both of you.” She looks down at Christina and lays her other hand on her back.

“Who’s your string?” Myka asks but wishes she didn’t as Helena's smile withers.

“Can we go to down to there?” Christina asks, her gaze fixated on the bottom of the hill.

“Certainly,” Helena says. “And perhaps we’ll find lunch nearby.” She picks up the bags Myka carried over from the bench and turns toward Myka. “Would you mind terribly if we discuss Christmas at a later date? I’d very much like to ignore the fact you’re all leaving tomorrow for as long as possible.”

The cheerfulness from earlier seems to have left Helena’s tone, though it’s obvious she’s trying to keep things light. Myka imagines the call was the culprit, that Mrs. Frederic is Helena's string, and whatever it was they discussed kicked her out of her happy place.

“We’ll talk later,” Myka says, and kisses Helena to drive the point home.

They walk towards the stairs then Christina takes off, barreling down the grassy hill.

“Slow down!" Helena scolds.

Christina slows for a moment, then carries on exactly as before.

Helena hands the bags to Myka. “That’s my girl,” she says, “no string." She runs after Christina and tackles her, both tumbling onto the grass, laughing.

Myka tears up a little; whatever Helena's gotten herself into, it has to work out, because this...this is their future.

-TBC-

[planetoban]

Savin’s Answers from Twitter!

Turns out that Savin has been pretty active on Twitter answering questions from fans! I’ve gone through and collected all of them (so far) below- the tweets have been copy-pasted and edited for clarity in some places, with source links below each conversation. This post is long, but contains no images. Tweets are in chronological order from most to least recent.

I want to express that these answers are NOT 100% canon/true until proven otherwise, since things are bound to change during production.

Also: If you’re going to ask Savin something, please be respectful and appropriate. He’s a person just like you and me.

@fictionjustis: out of curiosity, I read somewhere that the sequel pictures of Eva and Aikka are of them after a time skip exactly how many [cont] years have passed in that time skip? [cont] also is that your final character desighn for Molly and Aikka ?

@EiffelSavin: Not final. Age is a few years older but sticking with this will also depends on who our broadcasting partners will be...

(x)

--

@MahCouch: Do you have any plans on telling us more stuff about planet oban and the history of universe in general?

@EiffelSavin: If we get the sequel financed yes. There's more  planned on the mythology of Oban

(x)

--

@isdebrodis: I'm really curious how old are DW and Rick in 2082, since we know that the mains are teenagers and the mechanics are middle-20s

@EiffelSavin: I don't have my old notes with me right now, where this was laid out very precisely, but I'd say Rick around 30yo and DW late 40s early 50s

(x)

--

@Dr_Marvelous: #obanstarracers #princeaikka Does G'Dar's name have any special meaning in the Nourasian language?

@EiffelSavin: Yes. Funny you should ask as I finalized that point not long ago. If we do get the new projects financed you'll have yout answer!

(x)

--

@fictionjustis: I'm curious you mentioned Don Wei is Eva's only living family member, what happened to Don Wei's parents? And what kind of [continued in next section] @EiffelSavin: Don wei's parents died early. Maya still had some family but they didn't want her to race and resented dw. Cut ties with them both long ago.

@lbigreyhound: That's interesting! I never thought too much about what happened to Maya and Don's parents/Eva's grandparents, but it makes sense... [cont] ....as to why DW was so important to Eva. Her dad was literally all she had left. This was such a great show! I loved it when I was a kid!

@EiffelSavin: Yes. She has no one else to turn to.

(x)

--

@fictionjustis: [continued from previous section] family did he have? Also how long was Oban? And why did you make Molly so short yet her mother tall? @EiffelSavin: OSR was 10 years ago. It's that anniversary that got us working again together. As for Molly's hight, she's not so small & just turned 15

@ADoseOfJoy: Did you ever consider that Aikka may possibly have some feelings for Eva in the future,like,Jordan had in OSR ,and not just,,attraction''?

@EiffelSavin: I certainly did ☺

(x)

--

@fictionjustis: [why didn't Don Wei] recognize his daughter if she resembles his late wife?

@EiffelSavin: DW hasn't seen Eva for 10 years + during these 10 y. he's done his best to "forget" his painful past - forget Maya & Eva, to keep his sanity

(x)

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@fictionjustis: [is Eva the spitting] image of [Maya]? Or is it just a crazy assumption most fans make.

@EiffelSavin: They look very close IF you drop the piercing, tom boyish haircut, red hair, clothes etc. of Eva. In terms of style: not exactly the same!

(x)

--

@HG_Alsmyr: should we expect to see Jordan return in the new #ŌbanStarRacers?

@EiffelSavin: I would certainly hope so, but I won't elaborate on that right now. It will keep you guessing a little longer 🙂

(x)

--

@EiffelSavin: I had mapped it precisely but that was a while a go. I'd say Rick close to 2m [6′6], Don Wei 1m80 [5′9], Jordan 1m75 [5′7] and Molly around 1m60 [5′2]

(x)

--

@TiigerLilies: [A Bluray release] would be a dream come true. Is there any potential for French or Japanese dub with subtitles?

@EiffelSavin: Yes. At least one of these languages and hopefully subtitled.

(x)

--

@ardaozcan98: What do u think Eva's music taste is like? We've only seen her listening [once] and that's something like metal or techno i guess.

@EiffelSavin: She cares about her music. Strong, fast stuff. It's a refuge. Cf also her listening to a frantic Ayumi A. remix in the original MSR pilot 😉

(x)

--

@bebebubble1: Was Canaletto supposed to have a bigger role in Oban? His takeover always felt a bit rushed and unfulfilling.

@EiffelSavin: More or less what we planned but wasnt easy to fit the whole story in a 26 epi format Somethings had to be left out or reduced to the min ☺

(x)

--

@EiffelSavin: Last point there are no [Totally Spies] inspired dialogues in OSR. I wrote all dials myself and only agreed to add a couple more lighthearted ones 🤓

(x)

--

[context: someone asked about the “all male” counterpart to the Inna species, however it looks like they’ve since deleted their account or made it private, so only Savin’s part of the convo is available]

@EiffelSavin: Well that depends if there is such a thing as a male Inna race... [cont] I didn't really have the chance to expand on the topic but was thinking more in the ways of hermaphrodites, like snails do 😇

(x) (x)

[more context: In the “Creator’s Answers” thread on the OSR forums, Savin stated that the Inna were an all-female race that had an all-male counterpart. Looks like he may have changed his mind]

--

@delicatedowner: [Screenshots that Savin tweeted look] soft on each image, but I do appreciate the effort to remaster them for the planned [Blueray] set.

@EiffelSavin: This could be the screencapture. There is no remastering there. Oban was produced un HD.

@delicatedowner: I stand corrected.  Was it HD originally formatted in widescreen (16:9) or full-frame (4:3) as broadcasted?

@EiffelSavin: HD but formatted originally in 4:3.

(x)

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@IgorSkochinsky: Love [Iwasaki Taku’s] music! Is there any chance at all of Oban OST vol.2 being released (physical or digital)?

@EiffelSavin: Nothing confirmed yet but If we go ahead with plans to release a bluray, all unpublished tracks could be included as a bonus

(x)

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@rebelle_g: Hello!  One question about the up coming sequel of Oban Star Racers : Is Rick Thunderbolt in it?He is my favorite character😍

@EiffelSavin: [I] Like him too but we'll see 😉 Part of Rick's appeal is that we didn't get to see him too often. Kept him cool and mysterious.

(x)

--

@Streamer255: Is Molly gonna go by her real name Eva or will she use her alias again?

@EiffelSavin: Eva doesn't really need her alias anymore. But Molly's how most character have come to know her by.  We may use a bit of both

(x)

--

@CourierRin: Do you have any plans for a Molly&Aikka couple in the potential OSR continuation?

@EiffelSavin: Aikka's an important character and close to Molly's Heart but I won't say anything about the plots we're working on for now

(x)

[janeykath318]

Kirk x Reader: Starfleet Matchmaking

The Information Paperwork was twelve pages long and you groaned at how many questions there were, hurling the PADD down when you’d finally finished and hit enter.

“They need this much to find us a compatible husband prospect??” You complained to your friend Amy. The two of you were entered in the Starfleet Partner Match, having reached 30 and despaired of finding a man the conventional way.

Might as well give it a try, you’d thought. Couldn’t be worse than the last two blind dates you’d been on. Living on a Starbase for the last five years, you’d had surprisingly poor luck in the dating area and now that you were back on Earth, you’d been too busy re-establishing friendships and working to look seriously.

“Well, yeah. It’s kind of important to know preferences to have any sort of chance of making a successful match,” Amy said, brushing a lock of red hair away from her face. She’d gone along with it partly for moral support, partly for curiosity.

“What did you put?” You asked curiously.

“Under the musts, definitely “has to be a male over six feet”. I’m tired of being taller than my dates.“

Amy was a statuesque five feet ten inches and wanted to be able to look up to someone for a change. You, on the other hand were a hair over five feet three inches, but found shorter men to be insufferable, for some reason, though you hadn’t marked a specific height on the preferences.

“I put blue eyes, energetic, and personable,” you commented. “At this point, I’m just hoping it’s not a complete disaster. Ten years ago, I had super high idealistic standards for a guy, now, I just want to find a good one.”

“I feel you, Y/N,” Amy sympathized. “But you didn’t settle for less, like I’ve seen happen to old friends. What age range did you check?”

“Thirty to forty,” you replied. “I wouldn’t mind if he falls in the older part of that range. Older men do have an appeal to me now.”

“I noticed,” she said dryly. “Well, in a week or so, they’ll have the results and we’ll get to meet the candidates. Here’s hoping for good luck.

The next week, Captain James T. Kirk and his best friend Dr. Leonard McCoy were waiting nervously for the arrival of their prospective dates.

“There are about a million ways this could go horribly, terribly wrong,” Bones griped. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. She’ll take one look at me and run for the hills.”

“Aw, Bones. You just have to ease up on the scowl a little, that’s all,” Jim encouraged him. “What’s is gonna hurt anyway? We’ve tried finding people the usual way and haven’t had any luck. At least this way, there’s a better chance of meeting someone who has similar goals and interests.”

Jim had had several unfortunate romantic dalliances end due to transfers and his devotion to the Enterprise.

He was hoping to NOT end up as a captain hopelessly married to a ship. The Enterprise was great, but a man got lonely after a while. So, here they were, sitting at Starfleet Headquarters waiting to find where and when they’d meet the ladies.

Jim’s PADD dinged and he read the message on the screen.

“Well, I’m going to the commons, by the Founder’s statue.”

A moment later, Bones received his own summons.

“I’m headed to the same general area, only the Kelvin statue. Nice, non-threatening, public place all things considered. If she turns out to be a serial killer, you’ll hear me screaming for help.”

Jim laughed. “You’re hopeless, Bones. Let’s go.”

When you saw the one and only Captain James Tiberius Kirk coming toward you, your stomach did several flip-flops and you caught your breath. Surely the great captain wasn’t resorting to a match-making service? It was well known that pretty much any sentient being would fall at his feet. Maybe he was just passing by.

“Lieutenant Commander Y/L/N?” He asked, destroying your theory. You looked down and saw the name you’d been sent. Sure enough, it was Captain Kirk they’d set you up with. Dang it, he was even taller in person. You swallowed hard and summoned a smile, telling yourself firmly NOT to act like an idiot.

“Yes,” you said in what you hoped was a friendly tone. “Nice to meet you, Captain Kirk. This is a……surprise, I must say. I never thought a famous hero like yourself would need the assistance of Starfleet’s services.”

The blue eyes twinkled at you and your stomach flipped again.

“You’d be surprised. I’ve found there’s a vast difference between the number of people who merely want to see if I live up to my reputation” (he made a face) “and those who could consider life with a starship captain. After all, I’m leaving again on a mission next year.”

He looked closely at you, but not in an offensive manner, more like he was trying to place you.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you around before. Recently assigned planetside?”

“Yes, I’ve been on the Yorktown for six years. Came home three months ago. I’m Waiting to see which ship I’ll get assigned.”

“Which division are you?”

“Science. I’m an astronomer.”

“Cool. That’s a field that’ll never get old. All those new stars to find and chart, old ones going supernova, vast expanses…” he got a dreamy look in his eye and you put a positive mark in your mental checkbox.

A guy who loved space so much couldn’t be as bad as he’d been painted by critics and gossips. You’d met some of his crew on the Yorktown while they’d been waiting on the Enterprise rebuild and had been stunned at how much they loved their Captain. Despite saving the world twice and a whole Starbase, he still was viewed as mostly lucky and a bit crazy by some–people who didn’t know him.

“Which is why I’m hoping to get a posting on a starship soon,” you added. “I’ve had my fill of being stationary.”

“And of being single, I take it?” Jim added.

“Yep. At least this way, you know they’ll match you with someone who has similar goals,” you explained. “I’ve heard for Captains, the pool is even smaller, given the rank requirements.”

“True. And a lot of people can’t take the stress that comes with loving one, which is why so many captains are divorced or never marry. I must warn you right now, I do tend to be in the thick of things a lot, so if you’re looking for stress-free, I’m not the man you’re looking for.”

It was your turn to give him a searching look, requiring you to crane your neck a bit. This clearly wasn’t the cocky, careless, Kirk from eight years ago. He was no less handsome, but in a more mature way and oh, those eyes!!

“If I couldn’t deal with danger-loving Captains, I wouldn’t be here talking to you,” you told him. “Plus, You’re the first guy I’ve met that hasn’t made any short jokes right off the bat. Refreshing.”

Jim grinned and it was gorgeous.

“If that’s the first thing a guy comments on, well, he’s an idiot. Do they not even bother to look at your face? Very pretty.”

You felt your face flush at the complement, delivered in a lower pitch that made you tingle a bit.

“Not bad, yourself, Captain,” you said lightly. “I admit I put blue eyes as one of my preferences and they picked the bluest pair they could find. Are you sure you’re all human?”

“Yeah. It’s another part of the Kirk legacy, I guess.” Jim said sheepishly. You wondered just how heavily that legacy had weighed on him throughout his career and how it had shaped him into the man he was now. Hopefully, he’d one day feel comfortable telling you.

Jim, meanwhile, was already planning how he’d convince Spock they’d need you for the astronomy department. If he wasn’t mistaken, there were still several openings in that area. He was very interested in your dark eyes and smile, not to mention your field of study.

“So, it’s a date, then?” He asked hopefully.

You smiled and shook his hand.

“It’s a date, Captain.”

Afterward you texted Amy.

“How’s it going? I think my date can be considered a success!”

“Not so hot at first,” she responded. “He seemed like a total grump killjoy. Once you get him talking though, he’s not bad. Pretty darn hot. Agreed to meet again. Says his name’s Leonard. Who did you get?”

“Captain Kirk.”

“WHAT?? I demand details!”

“He’s nice and charming and really, really smart. And gorgeous. Come over and I’ll tell you the rest.”

“On my way.”

I’m not sure who all likes Jim/Reader, so I hope you don’t mind my fluff!!

[If you liked this, I’m also going to write Amy’s first meeting with Bones. She’s kind of sassy.]

[jhathaway71]

#Emmerdale #Robron Spoiler for 20-3-17 Plot Psychic & Confession (Updated based on Episode)

This is a bit of pointless fun...but I thought I would make an attempt at guessing what will take place on our screens before and after the recently released spoiler which shows Robert and Chas in the prison visiting room with Aaron for 20-3-17 episode of Emmerdale. Some of this may overrun into Tuesday. (Updated based on actual episode  )

1. Before the visit, Robert approaches Chas telling her he needs to be the one to tell Aaron about the Event Which Shall Not Be Named (Kinda like Voldemort, that)! She'll agree only so we can get that awesome Chas snark...something about watching him suffer, etc. I really don't care as long as I get Chas doing what she does best

Well, I got my Chas snark! I count this one a success. 100%

2. After Aaron's repeated I'm sorry's and reassurances that he no longer is taking spice, which are present in the spoiler, Chas has second thoughts about Robert confessing and changes the conversation to the appeal hearing.

 About 50% success, only because there was a type of confession, but it didn’t get to the Event That Shall Not Be Named (But our poor Aaron knows in his heart. Will he be able to forgive Chas & Robert for their deception?) 

3. Aaron is more open (since not jonesing for spice) and in better spirits upon hearing this news, We will get a "Well, you know!" from Aaron to Robert, to which Robert will struggle to respond with the appropriate "I know!" (GAG - like I previously stated in posts on some social media acct I have, these platitudes mean little to me. All of them have lost their magic they once had!)*

What can I say, I’m a failure again. It’s good thing ya didn’t shell out for this psychic prediction!

4. Aaron will have sussed that something is amiss with Robert, but Chas will defend Robert for Aaron's sake. It will be something lame about trying to keep everything going while she was away (Liv, the Mill, etc).

 I gonna give myself a whopping 90% for this. Again, Aaron knows something was wrong, and Chas did lie and defend Robert.

5. After the visit, Chas will tell Robert she still doesn't like him (for the umpteenth time). She'll tell him Aaron needs to be in a positive state of mind until the appeals hearing so as not to jeopardize his chances...but then all bets are off.

Being generous to myself about 65%, We got the doesn’t like him. The reason though is the hang up and the second chance for Robert. 

6. Robert will be staying at the pub just to keep up appearances because Chas doesn't want Aaron to find out for the previously mentioned reasons.

 I’ll give myself 95% for this one

7. Liv will be kept in the dark, but will feel the tension between Chas and Robert. She will blame herself, what with not being up front about Aaron's drug use and being excluded, etc. This opens her up for her own upcoming story line as it will tie back to Aaron being absent. (I'll post more on this in the future.)

 About 25% success, only because Liv mentioned their tension at the beginning of the episode.

8. Chas will confide in Paddy asking him to keep the secret from the village. We'll get the standard know-it-all Paddy, and probably a "Mr. Shifty" reference thrown in for good measure. Chas will breakdown with Paddy comforting her. It may lead to a somewhat passionate kiss before the End Credit music begins.

EPIC FAIL on my part...but I was hoping. 

*I just want to explain the GAG reference about the platitudes. The things I found endearing and special about Robert & Aaron was the way they communicated. The "You Know" & "I Know", the "No One Comes Close", the "I want messed up with you, forever", and any of the others that I may have forgotten.

I never questioned or doubted Robert until recently, and I think I was lying to myself when the spoilers about "The Kiss" were released. I did this because Ryan Hawley gave an interview stating she pushes him away. He didn't lie. Neither did any of the soap magazines which released the spoilers. They just omitted details of the complete scene, because it's just a soap. A soap which is a business that they are employed or in service of that creates a dramatic world for us to view for 30 or 60 minutes week nights.

Even with Emmerdale's official Twitter releasing "The course of true love never runs smooth." and something about "Context" I still felt that The Event Which Shall Not Be Named would actually happen in the future. I called it on 5-Mar-2017 and outlined the groundwork that was laid with the introduction of Rebecca, continuing with interpreting scenes/dialog which aired.

It is for these reasons I no longer consider these special. Does that make me a traitor to Robron? That is for everyone else to decide. I said it then, and I'll reiterate it now, I support Danny & Ryan as actors and will continue to watch Emmerdale.

I've been a fan of the show since Aaron was reintroduced in 2008. As the journey of Robert and Aaron continues to unfold on our screens, I will watch and see how it all plays out. I still adore both characters and wish them the best.

I will admit I lost most, but not all the passion I had for them as a couple. I viewed a fictitious couple through rose-tinted glasses seeing them as this strong, magical & romantic LGBT+ couple and individuals which could inspire those real life people that could relate to them. With everything that has transpired, not just the cheating story line but the soap articles, unfollowing of twitter friends with similar passions, deactivating of fan accounts, and everything else, I've taken off those rose-tinted glasses and see them for what they truly are. Entertainment for business purposes.

Saying that, what passion I do have will be to entertain myself and hopefully those who choose to still follow me. I will still talk everything Robert & Aaron on Twitter with anyone who follows me and those that don't block/mute me, but I will also be posting my "Psychic Spoilers". Predicting what will happen with Robert, Aaron, Victoria, Adam, Chas, Paddy, and Liv. I may throw in some Cain & Moira, Zac and Lisa at times...these are the characters I am most interested in.

I hope you enjoy and have fun with it.