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colorseeingchick · 4 years ago

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Cheer you up, Calm you down (Iwa, Suna, Kuroo)

Life is full of ups and downs! And the downs can come in all forms. But no matter what it is and how you seek to be comforted, these boys will have your back.

A/N: This is part 1 of a longer series I have planned. All the boys are given different Y/Ns with different personalities and different scenarios. But that’ll become more clear in the next parts, I think. But regardless, I hope you enjoy part 1!

Warnings: Language. These are all meant to be ambiguous as to whether they are romantic or platonic. Interpret as you wish!

Iwaizumi Hajime: with a rambling Y/N

When you got the phone call, your heart dropped. He was�� with another girl?

You shouldn’t have cared. You shouldn’t have. You guys weren’t dating or anything. But at the same time, you two had been talking for months. And he went out of his way to tell you that he was going to be ‘with the boys.’ So why did he lie? What game was he tryna play?

You weren’t ready to process the sadness, so instead you decide to break down the anger boiling in your stomach. Which is why you had been fuming over the phone for hours to Iwaizumi.

“Hello?”

“He’s a two timing pig.”

“Who?”

As you explain everything over and speak out your heart, Iwa listens. You noted when the other side of the line went silent, but continued to ramble into the phone.

“Are you driving?” You ask him as you hear a breeze coming from Iwa’s side.

“Just an open window,” he dismisses. You didn’t have too much time to question it. Your answer came when you heard a knock at the door.

“What? What are you… doing here?” pulling your phone down from your face, you let confusion enter your trashed puddle of emotions (mainly dominated by frustration).

“Surprise. It’s been an hour and you’re still mad. And I can’t listen to you forever.” Iwaizumi leans against the doorframe, arms crossing in front of him. “So let’s go.” You saw his shiny motorcycle parked close to the curb of your driveway, teasing you with the notion of a joyride.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, anything to get you over this shit. Let’s go.”

As you follow Iwa out, you adjust your weight on the bike, pulling closer to him as he revs the bike. “Don’t squeeze me. Just hold onto my waist, okay?”

Feeling the wind scratch your cheeks and pull tears from your eyes, a smile shines bright on your face. The frustration and anger that constricted your chest had been completely ripped away, the floating feeling in your belly causing bubbly joy to replace it as Iwaizumi guns it on the straight road ahead.

“Better?” Iwaizumi asks you as he tugs his helmet off, parked back on your driveway. You rest your head against his back, hands wrapped around his stomach, a smile plastered on your face.

“Yeah.”

“Good. Don’t waste your energy being pissed about that mother fucker. Not worth it.”

You scoff, smile unfaltering. “You’re right. I’ll just use that energy to bother you instead.” He sighs. But you just know he’s smiling.

“Looking forward to it.”

Suna Rintarou: with a Y/N on a rampage

Pacing your basement hallway, you were absolutely ready to tear a new one to the next unfortunate soul that walked in.

You’d just gotten back from a very long, complicated, messy meeting with a bunch of your teammates and coaches. A teammate who had hated you for seemingly no reason had just spent the last 3 hours trying to accuse you of something you never did. But for those 3 hours you were shocked to find that you had to actually defend you. Of course they realized you were innocent by the end, but they all just let that happen. No one defended you. Not even your ‘friends.’ You were livid, deep in a ‘I hate the world and want to watch it burn’ mood. Hence why you wanted to tear apart whoever was unfortunate enough to cross paths with you.

You were not ready for that person to be Suna Rintarou.

“Suna what the heck are you doing here? Did you see my texts?”

“Y/N-”

“I swear if you didn’t read them I’m gonna be so mad. I literally cannot believe this is even happening right now.” Your voice shakes as you stew in your own anger.

“Y/N…”

“I’ve never been angrier in my whole life I swear, this is unreal, absolutely unreal. Absolutely unacceptable. I literally cannot believe that they’re all absolute-”

You’re cut off when Suna grabs your hand, squeezing it abruptly.

“What the-”

He turns your palm up and places a rectangular item (that he’d been storing in his hoodie’s pocket) into your grasp. After he pulls away, you take a moment to inspect the item.

“The hell is this…” You blink-

And process.

“Why did you give me a snicker’s bar?”

“Because you’re not you when you’re hungry,” Suna deadpans.

“...”

“That’s so not funny, Suna.”

“Then why’re you smiling.”

Unfortunately, he’d got you there. You were no less angry, but the flow of anger had been interrupted by a new flow of amusement.

“Suna I’m being fucking serious right now, I can’t-”

You’re stopped this time by the rough jolt of your body forward as Suna roughly pulls your hoodie over your head, and then squeezes you in a hug.

“It’s shitty, I know. But everything is a lil less shitty with chocolate. Deep breath, eat, and then you can rant to me. I’m caught up on the texts.”

“...thank you.”

“No problem. But break a piece of the snickers off for me, will ya?”

“Aw hell nah this is my chocolate now!”

“Never buying you chocolate again.”

Kuroo Tetsurou: with a Y/N who just needs to get it out

“I’m literally gonna murder him.”

“Ya know, you should really stop staying stuff like that- cuz if he mysteriously dies and they take you to court, I’ll be the one who has to testify that you threatened murder. And I don’t really want that.”

“I know I know- you know I wouldn’t actually do anything but UGH!” You pound the ground against you in a fit of rage while Kuroo watches you, laying down on the hill you both had retreated to.

“I cannot believe him. It’s absolutely insane that he just keeps getting away with this shit and nobody does ANYTHING about it! And then they have the audacity to make me out to be the bad guy?! It’s so freakin’ bogus.”

“They still haven’t done anything about it huh.”

“And they won’t. Surprise surprise. Everyone sucks at holding people accountable once it's their ‘favorite student’ that has all the flaws. I’m so over all of this.”

Kuroo perches upwards at the sound of your voice cracking, keying in on how frustrated and emotionally exhausted you truly were.

“What do you want to do about it?”

“I don’t know. All I want right now is for my chest to stop hurting. This is so frustrating.” You try your best to keep it together in front of him, but he knew better. He knew much better.

“C’mere.” Kuroo wraps his arms around you, burying your face into his chest. “Scream.”

“Huh?” He had to know how odd of a request that was.

“Bury your face in my chest and just like, scream. Yell. Cry. Whatever you want. You’ll feel better. Get it out.”

“...mm…”

And so you did. You muffled your screams into Kuroo’s shirt, your throat going raw, your tears falling down, and his firm hold unwavering. As you pull away slowly, he gives you a firm shoulder pat before checking up again. “Better?”

“Yeah. Better.”

Notes:

Iwa’s is based off my best guy friend who’s a motorcyclist. I fully headcanon Iwa having a bike he HAS THE VIBES.

If you don’t get Suna’s comment please watch this video: here

Kuroo’s situation is not based off a personal one but, the ‘casually threatening murder’ is very much like me. And it makes all my pre-law friends very worried sometimes.

These are all SO SHORT I kinda hate it but expect the next parts to be...much longer lol I suck at concision.

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beecampbell · 4 years ago

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hello! sorry for bothering you, but I'm curious. I haven't watched supernatural in like maybe 5 years, maybe more, and haven't really been following the actors either. can you please explain why people hate Jared so much? what happened? I keep seeing all the hate posts and people celebrating j2 potential falling out but I'm so confused lmao 😅

Hi! Good morning. I'll try to be as clear and concise as possible, going from his smallest offense to his worst.

Jared is widely thought to be, especially in the later seasons, a passable actor at best and mediocre at worst. His performances got extremely repetitive and uninteresting. We like to dunk on him about that.

On set, Jared was a true nuisance to both the team behind the camera and other actors. When you watch bloopers, once again from the later seasons in particular, it's clear that he is the instigator most of the time and cannot for the life of him stay focused and serious. He took things too far to the point of annoying almost everyone who worked with him, delaying scenes, playing dangerous pranks, touching his co-workers inappropriately, etc. You could argue some of it is funny, like the "ball handler" debacle or whatever, but it gets all extremely tired after a bit. Just fucking act the scene man, you're not a comedian.

He also used to use Twitter to shit on service people he didn't like and bash them as well as the establishments they worked at, as if that's normal behavior for a grown man in the public sphere.

Now for the more, I guess, intense stuff. Jared is known for his bouts of anger and his violent temper. He has assaulted a bartender in 2019 and allegedly tried to bribe the police officers as soon as they showed up on the scene. This whole situation got us this wonderful mugshot.

(I hate that I have this picture on my phone now)

There are a bunch of other things I'm probably forgetting, and other things I simply can't bring myself to think about. For exemple, he mocked Phillip Seymour Hoffman for... Dying I guess? He's just vile.

Cons are too embarrassing for me to watch, but I'm sure he's insufferable during those too.

Now for what has happened last night, Jensen and Danneel announced that they were going to produce a Supernatural prequel about John and Mary, something everyone was both confused and slightly angry about at first, but then it turned great when Jared began explaining publicly on twitter that he had no idea that this was happening and that he was quite sad about it, or in his words, gutted. He obviously wasn't made aware or asked to participate in the project, which does sound strange considering he was one of the leads on this godforsaken show for its entire run. It's fair to believe that the people participating in the project didn't think it necessary or interesting in any way to have him collaborate on it. Jensen and Jared are known to be quite good friends, so this obviously came as a shock to Jared, but many of us already believed they had been drifting apart (this is known as the J2 fallout theory). Now though, we know it wasn't just a theory, and something is truly amiss. If there wasn't a previous fallout and this was nothing but a misunderstanding, Jared made sure to create the problem on his own with his big fucking mouth.

Thank you for asking! Felt great to talk shit about him, I hate him a lot ♥️

#long post #jarpad #jared Padalecki #im so sorry this is so long for how little research ive put into it it's 8 am and im late for work #j2 #j2 fallout #spn #mischievousmaraudeers

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pompadourpink · 3 years ago

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Hiya! You've mentioned in a few of your posts that it is good to be an interesting person. I have anxiety and autism which makes it harder to interact with people, so I think that I come across as really shy and kinda weird (probs bc of my stimming and the fact that I stammer a lot when I speak and can't look people in the eye because of my autism). I'm also v nerdy. I want to make friends at my new school, but it has been a month and I haven't really made any. How can I make myself more interesting? How can I gain more confidence? How can I make more friends? Merci beaucoup x

Hello,

Being shy, nerdy, or neurodivergent has nothing to do with being interesting. Sure, it would help if you were confident or able to maintain eye contact (although there are ways to improve), but it doesn't really matter.

What makes you interesting is the stuff that matters to you, that you know really well and that you can talk about. You can buy fancy clothes and look cool, but you cannot be charismatic if you have nothing to say.

When you meet someone new, ask them a few open questions and go from there. Just mention linguistics, history, philosophy, politics, nutrition, psychology, traveling (...) and I could talk your ear off until Christmas.

Find out what you love, research it, become a specialist. If you've been side-eyeing something for years, give it a try, see what happens. It doesn't even matter if you fail: now you have a new story to tell, and maybe you'll meet someone who knows better than you and can make suggestions, and boom: friends.

But having things to say isn't everything; you also need to be able to share them smoothly. You can be a good speaker even if you're focusing on people's eyelids or stammering, all you need is to focus on structure.

My advice: think of something that deeply matters to you. Write your defence as if you were giving a speech: introduction (define concepts, explain why it's important, hint at arguments), 1/ big argument (with examples), 2/ other smaller argument, 3/ other unexpected argument, conclusion, opening. Make it as concise as you can (no fillers). Set up your phone, give your speech, watch it, see how easy you are to follow. You need to be able to deliver your ideas simply.

It's a lot of work, especially learning how to speak simply without useless "very"s and "hm"s on the spot (PS: we live in a world when social media has trained our attention to last less than ten seconds at a time; if you ramble, people will walk away, especially my fellow ADHD friends), but then you're good forever.

You're also an interesting person to be around when you don't try to be the center of attention. Anyone you talk to also has passions they can rant about and most likely very few opportunities to do so. Be curious, ask questions, let them speak. No judging or interrupting. And they'll like you and want to come back.

Finally, if I may (disclaimer: I come from a neurodivergent family), don't let that stuff define you. Sure, it impacts your life, but if you allow something that's actively trying to sabotage you to take control, it will, and you'll find yourself missing out on life because you've let it become stronger than you.

Hope this helps! x

Mum

#ask #malks

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starflyfarm · 5 years ago

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(hmgh the inbox is empty n im kinda bored so have sum incoherent thoughts n ideas abt lou under the cut)

(i think ive mentioned a few times tht lou likes singing but that is admittedly an understatement. he loves singing. he hears a song he knos the lyrics to and he feels incredibly compelled to sing tho his lack of confidence stops him in public spaces. u may hear a bit of humming when no ones paying attention to him tho)

(going off that there are certain kindsa songs he likes singing more than others, think its been mentioned that he likes higher energy music generally speaking so naturally thats the kinda music he likes to sing to but he REALLY likes songs he can just belt to it feels so satisfying to him. he is surprisingly good at adele songs)

(he cannot sing really rough throaty songs to save his life tho like just thinkin abt it makes his throat hurt. he likes a fair bit of metal and screamo n stuff but his voice is just too smooth to sing it. smooth but lightly textured. like vanilla icecream w the lil vanilla beans n stuff still in it. hes also not very good at whistling)

(hes mostly a tenor but he does have a pretty decent range and his falsetto is p decent tho it does hurt his throat)

(its also been mentioned that hes alright at guitar but i like 2 thnk inbetween whatever actual lessons he took the very first songs he taught himself were probably sum very embarrassing sappy little love songs w simple chords. u kno how it is when ur a repressed gay teenager)

(idk how any of yall read his voice but generally he talks kinda quietly, very much not a very loud or present person, which is good for not getting caught committing crimes but not very good for socializing as he has discovered.)

(his semi soft voice is decently reflective of his physical characteristics too, i think i mentioned like once that his hair is very thick and soft, but his skin is also p soft with the exception of some scars here and there)

(speaking of his more notable scars are a burn scar on his right forearm from when he was really young, no one remembers exactly how he got it but it had something to do with a kitchen accident, and sum cut scars on his left shoulder from shortly after he’d moved out of his mom’s house. he also has various minor scars on his hands and wrists from handling/playing with cats and getting into the occasional knife fight back in the city as well as a very small scar on his upper lip from a time a dog bit his face when he was young)

(u might not guess it but he is incredibly clumsy and does not have the best spatial awareness when it comes to like. objects. he does fine not crashing into people but hes probably bumped into a lamp post at least once)

(idk if its ever come across but he also does lots of hand gestures when hes talking. snapping his fingers or shaking his hands when hes tryna think trying to illustrate what hes talking about with vague motions. he does a lot of shit w his hands in general, tapping fingers on surfaces drumming his hands on his legs, doin peace signs n finger guns and playing with his fingers/clothes mindlessly)

(hes also the kinda person who has an idle animation™ when hes not distracted by talking to someone or just paying attention to something he’ll probably rock back n forth on his feet or bobbing up and down probably to the rhythm of a song stuck in his head or something, speaking of songs, again, humming is a thing he does too)

(if u read the previous 2 points and thought “that sounds like stimming” ur exactly right)

(he stumbles over his words a bunch when hes excited, even if hes trying to keep his cool stumbling and stuttering are some of the most tell tale signs of him being excited tho it also happens when hes anxious or flustered. id say it applies to strong emotions in general but it absolutely does not apply to stuff like when hes real angry or sad)

(when hes real angry or sad his speech tends to actually be much more concise, he’ll speak slower and take time to really consider his words. when he’s angry both his expression and the words he chooses have the potential to cut like a hot knife thru soft butter, and when he’s sad hes more considering his words to try and keep from bringing the person hes talking to down)

(ive drawn him with a sketchbook a couple times but he probably has a journal with some writing in it too, nothing serious just thoughts he has sometimes phrased with flowery words but its not like. super amazing poetry or anything. hes no elliott)

(speaking of sketchbooks he absolutely draws his friends from time to time. hes incredibly embarrassed by it and hed never show anyone but he does it. a lot of his doodles are accompanied by lil thoughts and comments he has while makin em)

(back when he worked for joja i like to think he was like a phone operator for like. the joja help line or smth which is an oxymoron and he probably spent most of his work day getting yelled at by ppl over the phone. he does not like talking on the phone. much prefers texting)

(idk how clear ive made it on the blog but he absolutely hates morris. morris is probably the only person in town who hes like physically threatened. morris has thusly elected to avoid fucking with him as much as physically possible)

(i think its been mentioned he carries some kinda pocket knife on him at all times but he also likes to carry one a those novelty combs that looks n acts like a switchblade but its not. mostly just to fuck w ppl. pull out what looks like a switchblade then open it and hah uve been fooled it was a comb all along)

(speaking of combs bcus his hair is thick and wavy as mentioned before hes gotta take real good care of it or it gets. Unmanageable. when he was a teenager he didnt take care of it for a while n it got so long and tangled it broke like 2 combs it was awful)

(that in mind he is prone to getting wicked bed head. catch him when he first wakes up and its like a rat king was planted on his head)

(also did i mention he has several knives? pocket knives switchblades hes probably got a decorative dagger in a box somewhere, and ofc his monster fighting sword. he probably has a pair of brass knuckles somewhere too)

(its defintiely been hinted at more than a few times but lou is a huge foodie. he is always hungry and loves food but he cant stand mint or bitter tastes sometimes he has a hard time w sour stuff too. he likes spicy and savory/umami/w/e foods best, and while he does have a decent sweet tooth he can make himself sick off sugary stuff pretty easy especially w really dense sweets like fudgy brownies n shit)

(the reason hes not so good w mint and bitter things is cus his senses r very keen and bitter and mint are very unpleasant to his mouth and nose. theyre intense and stick around much longer than theyre welcome and it just feels bad ykno. this in mind he could not explain to u why he likes spicy stuff as much as he does)

(hes also really sensitive to like actual temperatures, especially heat. if it gets too hot and humid it can make him real nauseous n give him a migraine, hes better in the cold but even then it makes him really sneezy n sniffly. this is moderately ironic considering the previous point)

(jhjh im gonan stop here bcus this is getting super long but this is absolutely not all the stuff ive thought of. its mostly just the more lighthearted n mundane stuff that i could remember off the top of my head lmao)

#ooc #not asks #sdv oc #(this is incredibtyl random n probabyl incoherent but w/e)#(its MY blog and I get to choose the content hfjghjd)

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theonewiththefanfics · 6 years ago

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The Miles Between (one-shot)

Synopsys: The distance can take a toll on even the most close of couples. And that is what happened bewteen the Reader and Roger as she makes the ultimate choice for them both.

Pairing: Ben Hardy! Roger Taylor x f!Reader

Genre: angst, SMUT, fluff

Warnings: SMUT (unprotected sex (wrap it up, you guys) and all that good jazz), swearing

Word count: 5787 (strap in, lads)

Her lips were pressed together in a thin line as she tried to contain the sob about to escape her throat. Y/N placed the last piece of clothing inside her suitcase and zipped it up. She was leaving her home and taking everything with. Well, not everything. Roger’s stuff was obviously staying, for it was his apartment and no longer theirs. At least that is how Y/N felt. A sharp pain went through her chest when she walked through the almost bare hallway and glanced upon the pictures. Her and Roger. Her and Freddie. John, Brian. Her and Queen. Group photos and individual and pair and everything in between, commemorating the life she had led and was leaving behind. They had been together for six years now. Six wonderful, love filled years until they weren’t. No, Roger hadn’t even once stepped off of the trail, his mind hadn’t even gone to that possibility knowing Y/N was by his side. Even hundreds of miles away, his only thought was of the gorgeous woman waiting for him back home. People would call her a fool for leaving like that, leaving her faithful world-wide Rockstar boyfriend behind, but it wasn’t his status or occupation that she couldn’t deal with, nor were the groupies that tried to seduce him every possible moment. It was those hundreds of miles that stretched between them. Y/N had grown tired of going to a cold bed and waking up the same. She could never hurt Roger like that, she would never make him choose between a career he was passionate about and their relationship, so she made the ultimate choice for them both.

Queen had been on tour for the past two months with two more months to go, but it was during that second one, things had shifted. Roger always made sure to call before a show and after, and Y/N always made sure to pick up no matter the time, but that time she let it ring through. For a feeling had overcome her. Roger was the one, she obviously knew that, but the thought of marriage, kids, of making a family when his band was exploding like a supernova, was an impossible dream. And she had grown tired of waiting. It was a surprisingly easy decision, yet the headrest one to actually accomplish. So, while Roger and the rest of the boys were out conquering the world, Y/N had slowly started to pack up her stuff in boxes and move to a small apartment just outside of the city centre. Her job easily covered the rent for the new place and her half until Roger’s and her lease was up. It would end in a month anyway. Right as Y/N was about to exit the phone rang. Her heart lurched up to her throat, and all she could hear was blood pumping in her ears. She’d left the calls unanswered a few times, but not enough to make Roger suspect that something was wrong. Her hand itched to pick up the phone, to hear his raspy voice and melt as he said, ‘I love you’. But she was leaving him. With a choked back sob, Y/N placed the key to his apartment on the kitchen island and exited, the only sound in the flat left was the ringing that would be forever unanswered.

***

“Come on, love,” Roger muttered into the phone as a hand went through the messy mop of blond hair that sat atop his head. “Pick up.” They were at a gas station just outside of New York when the drummer decided to call Y/N. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder almost making him drop the phone. “Is she not answering?” Brian asked eyebrows scrunched up in concern. Roger could only shake his head and bite his bottom lip. “And the thing is, this is not the first time it has happened. She always picks up, no matter what, but in the past month she’s missed at least ten calls.” As the call rang through without an answer Roger slammed the payphone back into its place. “Maybe she’s out. Buying groceries or something,” Brian tried to reason, even though he himself had had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right. You see, Brian and Y/N had been friends since forever. He couldn’t remember a time the two of them weren’t attached to one another’s hip. He had been the one who introduced Roger to Y/N. Admittedly, he had threatened the blond man to not even try and flirt with the girl, otherwise, her broken heart would be nothing compared to his broken nose. But as time passed by, as Smile evolved into Queen, he saw just how much the pair truly cared for one another, and now almost six years into their relationship, Roger had promised Brian that when they got married, he could be his best man. He had even shown his friend the ring and everything. Brian had cried, thinking about how the gem would sparkle on her finger and how happy she would be. The curly haired man patted his friend’s shoulder and left for the bus. Y/N had been distant, that much was obvious. She had missed even some of Brian’s calls, and whenever they talked, she kept things short and concise, completely opposite of how they used to talk for hours upon hours about everything and nothing. Freddie was worried as well. He absolutely adored the Y/H/C haired woman. Only Mary and Delilah came before Y/N. So, when he saw Roger’s head hang low and Brian chewing on his lips, Freddie’s intuition said a bad thing had happened. “Deaky, darling, are you gonna call Veronica?” he yelled over the gas station parking lot, and when John shook his head, saying he had called beforehand, and she was most likely asleep, having just put the kids down, Freddie took the phone off the hook and dialled Mary. “Hello, Freddie,” her voice was sweet as honey, and the man instantly melted. “Hello, my love.” “How is the tour? How’s America?” the excitement in her tone was palpable, but Freddie didn’t really have time for that. “I’m so sorry, darling, but I cannot talk about this right now. There are bigger issues we have to deal with.” Instantly Mary’s heart dropped. “Fred, is everything alright?” “No,” he sighed, glancing to Roger who was taking a long drag of a cigarette as he leaned against the bus. “I think Y/N is about to do something stupid or she already has, and I need your help to fix things.”

***

Mary stood at the airport, looking over the heads of hundreds of people, searching for a specific mop of curls that would be recognisable anywhere. For two months she had been trying to track down Y/N, per Freddie’s request, and she had been unsuccessful. As Freddie came in view and walked up to her, pressing their lips in a sweet kiss, he muttered in her ear, “Anything?” “No,” she gently shook her head. “I tried everyone, and it’s like she’s disappeared into thin air.” She felt Freddie audibly sigh as he tightened his grip. “Should we tell Rog?” “And say what?” He pulled back and looked his fiancée from head to toe, before begrudgingly agreeing. Together they all made their way to the taxis and jumped in. Roger had been fidgeting throughout the flight, and as they neared his home, with every mile driven his hand pulled at the loose thread from his jacket harsher. He didn’t even say a proper ‘goodbye’ to the rest of the band when the driver stopped. Roger just jumped out of the car, grabbed his suitcase and rushed up the three flights of stairs before harshly jamming the key in the lock and throwing the door open. “Y/N!” Roger called out in the dark apartment. “Love, I’m home!” He was just about to walk to their bedroom when his eyes finally adjusted to the turned-on light and saw everything. It was empty, the whole place completely void of things. Everything that was hers. Everything that made the place his home. Their home. Roger didn’t even think his heart was beating as he slowly made his way through the apartment. It was like Y/N had never even set foot in the place. Walking inside their bedroom was the worst, for even her smell had vanished, which meant she hadn’t been there in a while. He felt numb. It was like his body was no longer his, but a shell of someone else going through the motions of seeing, feeling and smelling. In a haze, he walked back to the hallway and looked around. All of the pictures were still there, but none of the love and warmth was left. It was like Y/N had taken all of it with her. The drummer’s hands started to tremble, and to somewhat diminish the rising panic, he went to get a glass of water when a small piece of white paper caught his eye. On the kitchen counter stood a tiny note with a phone number scribbled on, and the words ‘call me when you get home. Y/N’. That was it. With shaking fingers, Roger went to the telephone and punched in the numbers, stomach churning at what was going on. What the girl’s absence implied. The line rang three times before it was picked up, and he heard silence. “Y/N?” Roger asked tentatively, and there was a heavy intake of breath. “Hey, Rog.” She sounded so small, so petrified, and it broke Roger’s heart even more than the fact she was no longer home. “What’s going on? Where’s all your stuff?” “I think you know what’s happening.” Y/N didn’t want to say it, didn’t want to admit what choice she had made, but the girl had left her new number for this very reason. If she was gonna leave without notice, Roger at least deserved to have an explanation. “Honestly, I don’t because I come home, expecting to see my girlfriend of more than half a decade waiting for me, only to walk inside a cold and empty apartment with a single bloody piece of paper left on the table.” He heard her sniffle, but that didn’t deter the man. “Why did you leave?” “Tell me honestly, Rog,” Y/N was choking back the tears now, “how sustainable do you think a relationship, where one half is gone more than half of a year and when they’re back all they do is work and party, truly is?” “Please,” he begged, not even sure what for, just as long as it got Y/N back. “Please, love. I’ll stay home more. We’ll go on a vacation. Please.” “And if we had kids?” she asked. Roger’s heart leapt at the thought. Just imagining Y/N with a baby bump or little mini-them, blond hair and blue eyes, or Y/H/C and Y/E/C eyes, or a mix of both made his chest ache. “I couldn’t raise them alone. I don’t want my children, if I have any in the future, to grow up with a father who is never there.” “I’d take time off, you know I would.” “For how long? Rog, your career is exploding. Queen is bigger than ever. I won’t take that away from you. I won’t make you choose between something you love to do and someone you have affection for.” Now Roger was becoming angry. “Do you honestly think I wouldn’t voluntarily stay home? To watch our children, grow and take their first steps and say their first words? And affection? Really? That’s how little you think I care for you after being together for how long we’ve been a couple?” “And after that?” Y/N’s voice was a whisper, disregarding the last jab, cause of course. She knew Roger loved her. Yet it was easier to try and pretend that his feelings were less than they actually were. It made it hurt not as much. “You’d have to go back and go on tour. You’d have to miss graduations and plays and recitals and everything else… Rog, I’m not trying to guilt you into anything, but we both know it is true… and I don’t think I’d be able to do that all on my own, especially when I’d have to be both parent’s in one.” “So, this is really it? Six years down the drain? The future we could have- burnt just like that?” Roger’s voice broke, knees shaking as he said the words. And when Y/N confirmed it, he collapsed on the floor. “I just can’t take the distance. I thought I could, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, but I was obviously wrong,” he heard her own voice tremble, courtesy of the tears streaming down her cheeks and closing up her throat. “I’m always lonely. Not alone, that I can deal with, but lonely. And even when you’re back, it’s like you’re still miles away. And I’ll never be able to break through that wall that now has formed between us.” “Then climb over it!” Roger almost roared. “Bomb it, fucking hell, dig a hole underneath it, please Y/N! Don’t give up on us. Don’t give up on me…” The silence was deafening through the line. “I’m sorry,” Y/N whispered and disconnected the call, leaving Roger alone and lonely with miles between where he was and where his heart was.

***

Mary was in shock as Brian relayed the information to her, Freddie and Deaky. They were in the giant house the two lovers shared when Brian had quietly come in and told them what had happened after he’d pestered the drummer for a whole week. “Only thing she left was this piece of paper and a phone number,” he dropped the scrap onto the table. “How is Rog?” Mary asked, holding onto Freddie’s hand. Brian hung his head and ran a palm through a chunk of the curls. “Devastated.” “Of course, the poor lad is devastated. How else could he be?” Freddie was outraged and saddened and heartbroken all at once. “The love of his life has left him with something that is barely a reasonable explanation and now expects him to just move on!” “Fred,” Deaky tried to calm their eccentric lead singer down. “You don’t know how it is to be in Y/N’s place.” The look he gave his friend as his eyes flitted to Mary told everything- ‘just think about how she feels when you’re gone’. Freddie sighed, knowing Deaky was right. “Well, what can we do? Those two are meant to be together! We cannot just leave it like that!” But surprisingly enough, as much as Mary had tried to help and intervene, she spoke up. “Maybe we should. Maybe this is what they both need.” “How can you say that?” Freddie was astonished. “How can you let our two friends ruin such a good thing?” “Because obviously, it wasn’t!” Mary defended Y/N’s decision. “Do I think she should have told him right up front that things weren’t working and not left just like that? Yes! But do I also know how hard it is when the person you love most, leaves for months at a time with only calls to say how much they miss you? Also, yes.” The singer’s heart hurt at Mary’s words, for they were true. “But he was going to propose,” Freddie managed to get out, which made the woman’s breath hitch. That she hadn’t known. “It’s true,” Brian said. “Rog even showed me the ring.” Mary and Freddie shared a glance, and then both pairs of eyes looked down at the diamond band that adorned her own finger. It sparkled in the sunlight that was streaming through the windows. That’s when an idea struck him. “Brian, pass me the phone please.” “Freddie, what are you going to do?” Deaky’s tone was full of warning, Mary’s eyebrows raising up in question. “Just putting together, a little party to celebrate the end of the tour.” Quickly Freddie snatched up Y/N’s new number, and with nimble fingers punched it in. For a few seconds, loud beeps could be heard until a tired voice rang through. “Hello?” “Y/N, my love! How good to hear your voice!” “F-Freddie!” she stuttered out. “How- wha- how did you know where to call?” “Oh, I have my ways darling, but enough about that! Listen, Queen is throwing a party to celebrate the end of our successful tour, and you have to be there. Just have to.” A seep sigh entered his ear. “Fred, you know it isn’t my scene…” the singer could practically hear her chewing her bottom lip. “Besides, Roger and I are no longer together, which you must know by now, so I don’t really think it’s a good idea.” “Nonsense, it’s an absolutely wonderful idea. Just because you’re no longer dating our dear Rog, does not mean you should stop communicating with the rest!” “Fred, I reall-“ “I won’t take no for an answer.” Mary was practically biting her nails as everyone listened in on the conversation and waited for Y/N to reply. “Fred, do you promise to keep Roger away from me? In every capacity?” Y/N’s heart hurt just saying his name. “I give you my word darling.” The line was silent for a while before he heard her huff and agree. “Now,” Freddie smiled, placing the phone back on the hook. “We just have to figure out a way to put those two in a room together."

***

The party was in full swing, but Roger was feeling none of it. Despite the insane number of groupies that twirled around him and tried to get under his arm, the blond kept to his glass of champagne and staring at the wall. “Darling, at least fake a smile!” Freddie leaned over to the drummer and patted his leg. “The last thing I wanna do is smile,” the drummer grumbled and slammed down the last bits of his drink. “You know what, you need a smoke” Freddie said standing up, “Come, let’s go to one of the balconies.” Roger had already stuck a cigarette between his teeth and was fumbling for a lighter as the pair went up the steps of the mansion, bodies of guests sliding against theirs as the musicians pushed past, but his little task was left unfinished when Freddie opened a door, and Roger froze in place upon seeing who was in it. Y/N had wanted to use the bathroom to freshen up, and Freddie had instructed for her to go to the left bedroom, for all others were being renovated but upon seeing Roger’s face in the doorway, his features distorted by complete shock, she knew the singer had broken his promise. In fact, he had done the exact opposite, as Y/N saw him smile, flash a wink and slam the door shut behind Roger, who didn’t even flinch at the sound, too preoccupied with drinking in her body and rememorizing her face. “Y/N,” Roger breathed out her name, and it was like homecoming. It was like all of the things in the world had finally found their right place once more, and it was this feeling she was running away from. Pushing past the man, Y/N leapt to the door and grabbed at the handle only to jerk it and realise it was locked. “Fred, open the fucking door!” Y/N hollered, but she knew it was futile. He was most likely back down at the party, and even if he was on the same floor, the pounding music would drown out her yells. There was no response, and honestly, Y/N wasn’t surprised, so she just let her forehead lean against the door and sighed, desperately trying not to acknowledge or give Roger any kind of attention. But he had different ideas. Tentatively he had made his way over to the girl and wrapped a hand around her wrist, making her turn around. She didn’t even try to struggle back. Instead, Y/N kept her gaze down to the floor, noting how shiny his shoes were, London lights illuminating the bedroom from the outside with a warm glow. Roger's hands shook as her cupped Y/N’s face between his rough palms, but his touch had never been gentler. His baby blue eyes roamed all over her face, each birthmark once again ingrained in his memory, each worry line and smile crinkle reforming the picture of his soulmate in his mind. “Why?” he whispered. She didn’t need more than one word to understand what he was asking “Because I missed you! I missed you every bloody day and I just couldn’t keep living my life like that! I couldn’t keep living and feeling like my heart was miles away... And I just couldn’t… I couldn’t go on… so, it was easier to let you go…” She saw him gulp, eyes darting to her lips. “But you haven’t have you? Let me go?” And to this, she couldn’t reply. She also couldn’t lie, because Roger knew her better than anyone, he’d see through the façade instantly. Which had been one of the reasons she’d moved out and left a number for him to call. Face to face confrontation would have broken Y/N. “Tell me you don’t love me, and I’ll leave,” his body moved closer, voice dropping to a dangerous husk. “Tell me, you have no feelings left for me and,” he had to close his eyes to get the words out, “and I’ll let you go. Forever.” “I can’t do that,” her voice was barely a whisper as she said after an almost agonising minute of silence. “Why?” “Because I could never lie to you.” His lips were one hers in a matter of a split second, hands reaching down and sliding up her dress to bunch it up around her waist. Roger grabbed her thighs roughly and squeezed them. Y/N instantly knew he meant for her to jump, so she did, wrapping her legs around his midsection, while her fingers fumbled with the few buttons of his dress shirt that had been left unopened. It was more than two months of pent up desire, of heartache and heartbreak, lust and love manifesting in a heated make-out session, and in the way, the pair ripped the clothes off from one another. Roger’s many necklaces felt clod against Y/N’s exposed chest as he had managed to make the straps of the little black number slide down her arms and then the whole top of it down to her waist. Desperate hands tried to touch her everywhere, reacquainting themselves with Y/N’s shape, with how her shoulder blades moved underneath his palms, how her spine curved and dipped and moulded against Roger so perfectly, he was sure they had been created to fit one another like two pieces of a puzzle. “No bra?” Roger mumbled as he helped Y/N get rid of the dress completely, yet his lips attached themselves to one of her nipples. A sigh of content made its way out of her mouth and reverberated through the air. “Are you complaining about that?” she asked, lust clouding her mind as her fingers quickly pushed Roger’s shirt off and threw it to the ground. Y/N let both her palms trace his muscles, feeling them clench and unclench as she made her descent to unzip his trousers, his abs tightening in anticipation. “Not one bit, love,” he let go of the nipple with a pop, a purplish bruise already appearing around it, before assaulting the other one the same way. “Not one bit.” Somehow Y/N managed to get rid of Roger’s pants, leaving him in only his boxers, the fabric creating a delicious friction against her uncovered clit as it dragged along to the motions their hips were making. He was growing harder by the minute, and if he was being honest, he was forever in debt to Freddie. Big time. An hour before this, Roger had still been home, dressed in his pyjamas and downing the second glass of whiskey when the singer had barged in his place, practically hauled him out of the sofa and made Roger look somewhat presentable. “Can you imagine how it will look when Queen shows up to celebrate their tour without a member of Queen!” “Fred, I really don’t care,” Roger had mumbled as his friend brushed out the blond tangled locks. “Well, I do. It’s time to stop moping,” Freddie had said as they exited his apartment. “Besides, maybe it’ll be a lot better than you think,” he’d said with a wink over his shoulder. And now, as Y/N slipped her hand beneath the waistband of his boxers and grasped at his length, Roger really didn’t think things could get any better. Cause there he was- kissing the love of his life once more as his arms steadily held her body close to his while she made slow work on his shaft. “Please, stop teasing,” Roger moaned in Y/N’s mouth as his own had moved from her breasts up to kiss her lips. “Not tonight, please. I just need to feel you, need to be inside you.” And she stopped just like he had asked, clambering over the bed, and helping Roger strip down from his boxers revealing the already sweaty man in all his glory. His skin practically glowed as he crawled his way over to Y/N, whose head rested on one of the many plush pillows that adorned Freddie’s guest bedroom. Her Y/E/C eyes watched as the light shifted around his body, catching onto his biceps and making them seem starker, to his chest, where dark flowers bloomed, down to his abdomen, abs clenching with every movement, and to his shaft that stood proudly against his stomach, the tip leaking with precum from the neglect. Y/N would have almost clamped her thighs shut from how much she needed Roger, if not for his body that hovered over her and pressed down on her. Once again, he softly cupped her cheeks and kissed Y/N. Her legs wrapped around his waist, and she didn’t even need to grasp him to guide his member to her centre. That position of Roger being on top while her arms wove around his shoulders was as natural as breathing. Slowly, he slipped between her folds, but not inside. With gentle rocking movements, Roger coated himself and groaned at the slick warm feeling, a grin overcoming his face just thinking about how it would engulf him once he was sheeted inside of Y/N. “Now who’s teasing,” she mumbled against his lips, and tucked a matted down strand of hair behind his ear, nails soothingly scratching his scalp. “I just,” his heart stuttered in his chest, but Roger was going to speak his mind. “I just need to hear you say it.” Her eyes opened to look up in the two cerulean pools she adored to get lost in. “Say what?” “That you need me just as much as I need you…” he bit down on his lip, and the words were much quieter than before. “That you still love me just as much as I love you.” “I love you, Rog,” Y/N said, only sincerity and what was in her heart shining through. “I never stopped.” That was all the confirmation he needed to position himself and slide in Y/N’s soaking centre. The feeling of her velvet walls clasping onto his member was almost too much. His whole body went rigid, and his breath hitched, as Roger tried to compose himself and somewhat clear his mind from the haze that had settled over it. Y/N’s chest had arched up into his, easily allowing Roger to hug his arms around her back and get a better grip on her. “Move, Rog,” she breathed out through a whine. “Please, I need you to move.” And how could he not oblige to such sweet begging? First, he rolled his hips into hers in an attempt to find that spot deep inside that made Y/N curl her toes and dig her heels deeper in Roger’s ass. The moment he located it, her enchanting gasp being his confirmation, he pulled almost completely out, only leaving the tip in before slamming back down. Instantly, Y/N’s eyes rolled to the back of her head, the familiar sensation of pleasure rippling through her veins as Roger worked her up to the inevitable explosion. Y/N was already writhing underneath him, the sheets drenched not only from their sweat but from the slick that had slid down her thighs and onto the bed, having coated Roger’s legs in the process as well. The bed shook violently against the wall, though neither cared much, the lust and bliss having overtaken every atom in their bodies. Also, the loud music would be able to cover up the screams of a murder, but that was beside the point. “ ‘M not gonna last much longer,” Roger groaned out, swollen lips pressing a bruising kiss to Y/N’s plump ones. “ ‘S okay,” she moaned, as he repeatedly hit that spot, “I’m almo-“ yet Y/N never get to finish her sentence, her mouth remaining in that perfect ‘O’ as her orgasm crashed down upon her. It was like a tidal wave, washing away all sense and matter from the world, leaving her only with satisfaction and fire burning through her veins. Her look of pure pleasure was Roger’s own undoing. A violent shiver rippled down his spine, making the almost brutal pace of his hips stutter, and blissful warmth spread throughout his body, starting from his abdomen to the very tips of his toes, as Y/N clenched all around him, and he succumbed to his release, painting her walls with white thick ropes of cum. Their breathing was laboured as they tried to come back down to Earth, after being flung into the stratosphere. With trembling hands he cradled her face in his hands and kissed her, showing just how much Roger truly cared for Y/N, for words would never be enough to explain his feelings. He sagged down to the side and somehow was able to stand up, on very wobbly legs, mind you, and go into the bathroom to grab a warm washcloth. Y/N was splayed out on the bed, eyes still closed and mind reeling, but her whole body flinched away as Roger dragged the wet towel between her legs, even though he had to admit- seeing his seed leaking out of her was the hottest thing he’d ever gazed upon, and the only reason Roger didn’t pounce on her again was because he saw just how spent the girl was. “Sorry,” he apologised, kissing Y/N’s hipbone. She mumbled a soft ‘ ‘S okay’ and shimmied over the duvet to be under it. Her eyes had already closed, ready to drift off when Roger returned after having dropped the cloth in the dirty wash, but she was still conscious enough to lift the bedding and allow Rog to slip under it. Without even thinking, he wrapped his arms around Y/N and intertwined their legs. Both were out like a light in a second.

***

Y/N woke up with the sun shining in her face and she groaned. The feeling of a warm body pressed against hers immediately calmed her down, the strong arm of her drummer pulling her closer to him. “Good morning, my love,” Roger mumbled kissing up the column of her neck. She hummed at the way his lips softly glid along her jaw, to her earlobe, teeth gently nibbling at it, then to her cheek and finally to her lips. “Morning,” Y/N replied once they broke apart, but kept their foreheads together. “Good morning, you lovebirds,” came the sudden voice of Freddie who had unlocked the door and poked his head inside the room, a wide grin stretched across his face. “We’ve made pancakes, so get decent and come downstairs!” Roger threw a pillow in his friend’s direction, but that only made the three of them laugh. He settled back down on the bed, pulling Y/N’s head to once more rest on his chest as he let his fingers weave through her Y/H/C strands. “We should get up,” she mumbled, kissing right above Roger’s heart and glancing upwards to look at the man, only to be greeted by him worrying his bottom lip. “Rog,” Y/N leaned on her elbow, a palm sliding up his cheek and making him look at her. “Are you alright?” “I am,” he quickly reassured her. “I am. It’s just, I wanna ask you something and I’m kinda petrified to do so,” he nervously chuckled and ran a hand through that messy blond mop before jumping out of the bed. He quickly pulled on some boxers and went over to where his trousers had been discarded on the floor last night. Roger let out a deep breath before taking the little velvet box he always carried with him in his hands and going back to the bed. “I didn’t intend on asking this way. I had planned a whole grand speech, and I was gonna cover the floor to our bedroom in rose petals and shit… but I guess this will have to do…” Slowly, gauging her reaction, Roger opened the little square, revealing a glimmering sapphire ring. Y/N’s breath hitched, and a hand went to cover her mouth, tears already streaming down her face. “I know, I’m a fuck up. I know I’m away all the time, and I know I’m not the boyfriend you deserve. But I vow, to be the best fucking husband I could ever be. I vow, that our family, our kids will always be a priority to me. No matter what, you’ve always been the one constant, the one person I could rely on, and I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, so I’m not asking for it. I’ll do everything to earn back your trust, no matter how many lifetimes it may take me. But the one thing I am asking is- will you grant me the honour of letting me be your husband?” Her throat had closed up almost at the beginning of Roger’s speech, so the only thing Y/N could do was furiously nod. Despite the miles that stretched in between the two, the miles that would need to be crossed together to once again get back to that point of complete trust, Y/N knew it was the right decision. And as Roger who had tears streaming down his own face, chest shaking as he tried to contain the sobs, and a wide grin splitting his face apart, she knew she was on her way home.

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A/N: holy shit, this might be the longest one-shot I’ve ever written :D

Also, just watched ‘The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals’ on youtube from Starkid and holy shit, if you haven’t seen it yet- DO IT!!!! It’s literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me :D

P.S. what did ya think?

P.S.S. my tags are always open, just drop a message :)

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agateophilia101 · 5 years ago

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According to Salah Jaheen: I'm a young man, but a thousand years of age Alone, but crowds throng within my rib cage Afraid, but it is myself I fear Mute, but my heart is full of words it cannot gauge How strange! Note: This is my own translation of one of Jaheen's quatrains. I'm going to translate other stuff in this post, as well as share some music, but first, something is to be said about Jaheen (as per usual though, the music player(s) will not show on the dashboard, so view the post on my blog, and if you are using your phone, then it probably won't work, even on the blog). This quatrain of Jaheen's, which he wrote in the early 1960s, is one of the most well known quatrains in Egypt. I tried to be as literal as possible, while retaining the quatrain form of the poem, i.e.: its rhyme scheme of the AABA form. No matter how carefully one is translating, there is something in Jaheen's original verses that remains characteristic only to them, and to his sensitivities. So, as with any translation that purports to translate, maybe my translations, above and below, captured something of Jaheen, maybe they didn't, I have no hope of certainty here, since I'm already in possession of that which the poems, in their original form and language, cast; I find it difficult to dissociate myself from the original and discern the translation anew, even when its my own translation. Salah Jaheen (1930-1986) was an Egyptian poet, playwright, and cartoonist, who wrote in the Modern Egyptian Language (AKA: Egyptian Arabic, which is not Arabic at all, it is called "Masri", meaning "Egyptian", it is a de facto language of itself, with grammar that mainly follows that of the Coptic language, and vocabulary that is predominantly derived from Coptic as well, if not outright transcriptions of Coptic words, but also with influences from Greek and French; Coptic was spoken in Egypt up until the 16/17th century; the Modern Egyptian Language evolved from Coptic and its contact with several other languages, and hence it remains Egyptian, both linguistically and culturally; excuse my tendency to digress, let's shelve this topic for another time). Jaheen's "Quatrains", which are sometimes referred to as "How strange!" (the exclamation with which each of the quatrains ends), convey his own personal outlook on life and existence. He is known to be a versatile poet, concise in his verses yet cuts deep, his works encompass the range of human emotion, from sorrow to festivity to love to loneliness to frustration, etc., and almost always contain underlying existential motifs. Jaheen once famously said in jest, intentionally poking fun at himself, that he wished he had learned ballet dancing, which prompted laughter from the audience because he was bulky and didn't have the body of a ballet dancer, but Jaheen still danced in his poems, the choreography was just slightly different. Some of his quatrains were sung several times both during his life and later on, he also wrote the lyrics to some songs. Here is one, along with my translation of its lyrics below, that was written by him and performed by the Egyptian band "Al Massrieen (The Egyptians)", which they released in 1977 in one of their albums, it is called "Streets Are Stories"; Egyptian: "Elshawarea Hawadeet"; the original of every poem/song in this post is in the Modern Egyptian Language: Here is my translation of the lyrics, which I'm satisfied with; I preserved the rhyme, but not in places where I felt that it would change the essence of the lyrics: Streets are stories, One turn it is a story of love, with every joy and trial, Another turn it is demons, and ghost stories and guile, Hear me, O beautiful one, perhaps I will make you smile: This is the street where we used to live, Everyday it gets narrower and the walls each other near, Now that we are older, it is a mother's womb; There is no longer a place for any of us here. Streets are stories, One turn it is a story of love, with every joy and trial, Another turn it is demons, and ghost stories and guile, Hear me, O beautiful one, perhaps I will make you smile: This is the street where we went to school, This is what is left of it, and the rest is forgotten, It was swept away by those who sweep, And in a moment of sorrow, I, too, have forgotten. Streets are stories, One turn it is a story of love, with every joy and trial, Another turn it is demons, and ghost stories and guile, Hear me, O beautiful one, perhaps I will make you smile: This street begins with lively, beautiful gardens, But though it so begins, it leads to a dead end; Here lives my untold, unrequited love; I was happy, But to this story the street guards put an end. Streets are stories, One turn it is a story of love, with every joy and trial, Another turn it is demons, and ghost stories and guile, Hear me, O beautiful one, perhaps I will make you smile: This is the street where I saw you walk, Wearing a jupe and a rosy blouse, with graceful horsetail hair, Your destination was my destination: toward it we walk; This is a street of crowding and loss, but we have to bear. Streets are stories, One turn it is a story of love, with every joy and trial, Another turn it is demons, and ghost stories and guile, Smile, O beautiful one, perhaps you will hear me somewhile! As beautiful as you may find this to be, it is at least as beautiful in its original language, but maybe you can tell from listening to the song. This band was formed in the 1970s, with Jaheen as an unofficial member. One of the founders, Hani Shenouda, was inspired to form the band after his conversation with Naguib Mahfouz (an Egyptian writer who won the 1988 Nobel Prize in Literature); Naguib asked him, when Hani was in another band, why he and his band are not making songs whose lyrics capture the Egyptian spirit, and after some back-and-forth he said this to Hani: "Never replace the joy of making with the joy of criticizing; make music that is in accord with your own convictions." Hani said that Naguib's comment was the seed for what became "Al Massrieen". Here is another one of theirs, which was not written by Jaheen, but I'm going to translate it anyway, it is called "A Matter of Age"; Egyptian: "Massaalet Elsen", released in 1979: Here is my translation: The difference between me and my father Is only a matter of age; They always say that he had rather Devilish candor when my age; Lived a life that was his own, A knight with his sword drawn, All his days were but mirthful, Sleepless yet content and joyful, Indulged in all kinds of love and art And jumped from heart to heart, Never over the future fretted, And never a memory regretted, Everyone he loved, and him they loved, But they blamed him for not being Like his father, whom they loved, And he told them in replying: "The difference between me and my father Is only a matter of age, They always say that he had rather Devilish candor when my age, And like him I am, I helplessly am; It is in my blood, it is who I am." It is repeated one more time in the song. This is as close as is possible to a literal translation. Here is another one that is a bit funky. It was not written by Jaheen either. It is called "In the Middle of the Forest", Egyptian: "Wist Elghabat": It is describing life in the forest, during a vigilant walk in its wilderness and while taking photos of the animals, describing what each animal is up to. This one is hard to translate without changing its spirit. In the song there is a fearsome tiger, whose photo she took, and the photo rendered the tiger smaller in size, with a cheerful smile; a group of elephants that he took a photo of, and refused to sell the photo for money; a rhinoceros under its feet the earth trembles as it runs, where there is an elegant gazelle and it is dinner time for the bear; there is a lion with a magnificent hair, that runs with grace, he took a photo of the lion holding down a giraffe with its claws (yes, of course, this corresponds with the singer with the deeper voice); a clever monkey notices the camera, he snatched it from her hands and tried to take a photo, but accidentally broke it. Back to Jaheen. This next one is one of his quatrains, whose music was composed by his friend Sayed Mekawy (which himself was a renowned Egyptian singer, and songwriter), the singing is also by Sayed Mekawy, it was probably recorded in the 1960s: Here is my translation (the first two lines are repeated in the song): Why, my love, is there always distance between us and travel? Your absence is a sin; yours, mine, and that of distance and travel! Why, my love, are there always seas between us to cross? With each sea that I cross, more seas unravel! How strange! Hopefully, this post was pleasant. Let's end it how it began; here is my translation of another one from Jaheen's quatrains (from the 1950s/1960s as well): Millions of miles away from Earth, I could not see When I looked from the endless, void cosmic sea The difference between oceans, land, and mountains, Nor between joy and sorrow; they seemed the same to me! How strange! When the time allows, I'm going to write a post about some Egyptian composers of more technical music (composers of classical music and traditional Egyptian music mainly), specially ones who utilized themes of ancient Egypt in their work (I don't have an interest in oriental middle eastern stuff), it will be strictly about music not songs. Let's not end this post how it began. Here is something of a tease for what I'm going to talk about. This, below, is a variation on a sound from the very core of Egypt, both ancient Egypt and modern Egypt actually, since the musical instruments used in this one originated in ancient Egypt and were part of the ancient Egyptian music, they continue to be used up to the present day. This is a hint of the sounds you would hear in several areas of Egypt today; few things can define a civilization in the same capacity as does music, and in that regard too ancient Egypt was a cultural marvel; I shall not say more, let this remain a mystery here till I get to writing the next post (unless you already know this one, in which case, hello there, friend):

#Egyptian Poetry #Poetry

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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years ago

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some random numbers: 1, 3, 6, 15, 23, 31, 35, 40. give me ur ungodly long answers.

lmaooo YES brevity whom......i cannot be concise

1) favorite videos?

i sure spent 2010 - 2014 enjoying youtube horror interpersonal-drama series marble hornets, those are a good time. and here in the future you and i both know there is just a wellspring of wrol-related Video Content out there, god damn, i really love so many of them.....in between that there’s sure been a lot of fun and funney videos and like, some Artistique ones i like to revisit [or have disappeared :( ] but i always like to promote this Wuthering Heights one. i love it. oh lol!!!! and the uh, Skate 3 Glitch compilations!!! so so funny

3) favorite memes?

i think Deep Fried Memes are fun all the time lol. the Youtube Meme of “___ but ____” is a lot of fun OH YEAH steamed hams was awesome too. the 24601 Releases A Sammich On Parole ytp is priceless......this is just turning into favorite videos again lmao. vine as a meme and a whole

6)favorite mixes?

you know i never really made or used playlists lol!!!! i will just be like, in the mood for certain songs or else like “i want to listen to music but....which ones”.....i say i can never be concise and all of these answers turning out short lol. it’s not b/c i’m Concise but b/c like, i don’t know what Favorites i have and i don’t have a memory that works without Direct Reminders of Specific Things so i’m just failing to like, come up with the info in the first place smh

15) favorite fictional characters?

here we go lol i can answer this one cuz when i have a fave rave it’s rare and like, easier to remember cuz i do not Go Hard about it that often.....weirdly for the first few years of The Decade i did’t really have such certain faves.....i was def enjoying some characters, as i always do, but nothing like super standout. then in ‘11 or ‘12 or whatever i was like oh hey, ed from cowboybeboy.......and then just had like, the solo experience of me humoring myself w/ that. bit of an usual one b/c a lot of the characters i Really latch on to will tend to be kinda roughly similar in ways that maybe seem pretty at-first-glance levels of obvious, buuut idk she’s not That far off from my usual selections i guess lol. anyways then in 2014 i was like, time to go ham for lars. what a valuable time it was....what Fun we had.....truly tho! and then another interval later it’s 2016 and for similarly (relatable characters of roughly the same cut) i was like, well here i am having a great time re: kip, all while getting to generously use of my fave shade of blue and fangs central and all that fun stuff. and then another interval later the Eventual Unfolding of what started innn 2017 i guess occurs, and it’s late 2018, and i’m like, time to look into Jared Kleinman b/c just from reading the wikipedia summary that didn’t mention him all that much i could tell this was probably a character i’d go ham for for predictable reasons, and the vague interest in that has stuck with me for the past little-over-a-year......and then i was Completely right lol. deh? well that’s just Bonus Jared Lore, to me (though of course alana in her own right is a great and similarly underappreciated character. rights)....and then of course i’ve had a lot of fun with pretty much each and every Wrol Role lmao.......Very fond of jeremy, and also christine, and bmc just has really enjoyable and interesting characters all over the place. and of course, here i am, Extremely #about winston quantbillions as another certified fave rave, really. call it classic!!!

[[answered both 23 and 31 prior, actually.....words were typed....]]

35)a random memory you remember with strange clarity?

tough one because lol a fair amount of “you recorded this memory in a fair amount of detail” is due to increased levels of unpleasantness / stress / discomfort, and if it’s also “i remember this b/c it was Nice” then i wouldn’t call that Strange clarity lol, and Random Memory like “just pull one up from the ol memory bank” is like, god, i wish it were that simple........but give me a min.

oh yeah i had a High Time of it when pokemon go came out (only pokemonn game i have ever played lol) coz there was like, this stretch of Landmarks stops that started at this garden and went along this waterfront / connected park forrr maybe like a half mile stretch? ideal territory and people would actually like, come from out of town to partake in it lol. and i’d Download podcast eps on my phone from my work’s wifi and just like, in the evening listen to that or music and just like, walk and do this shit. i had like five or six gyaradoses at one point cuz i guess the riverside nature of it meant they wanted to throw all these magikarp at you (there Were carp, also! one of the parks had a koi pond.) and like, there were just all these people around doing it along with you, even that late at night and in the early AM hours, so it was fairly social even if u weren’t there with a group or talking with anyone (though there was Camaraderie like, oh hey just so you guys know, there is a ____ over by the boat.) and it was just an interesting Walk with several things to look at and routes to take. and one time in a weird Dead Of Night time like 1am there was this like, smallish cruise ship docked that actually Set Off. and like, a bunch of us randos were just standing there and watching this unfold. this isn��t a very good Clear Random Memory but if i tried to think of a good one, god only knows how long it’d take me lol

40)an important personal revelation?

oh jeez this has really been a decade with lots of the unfortunate combo of “stuff that is a bummer but also boring” lol.......a benefit of getting to spend more time than not Away From The Parents’ House was like, oh sweet, having this perspective for long enough finally leads me to the conclusion of why i hate this......B/c It Is Bad. oh yeah and then there was also conclusively figuring out early in the decade like oh right, i’m trans, that makes sense.......other layers of Gayassedness like oh, more specifically i’m nonbinary, oh yeah and like, i’m not straight, call that queer and/or bi and/or also Gay......bein grey ace like a champ, and aromantic like, oh yeah i’m not like, fucking up at being a person somehow and Letting People Down by not wanting to date them (i mean besides rando cishet men. they can be let down regardless).....and just like, this ongoing process of getting the space to b figuring out myself and what i like For myself in alll kinds of ways....even up till now with the “oh yeah ive been a theatre gay all my life lmaooo” bit that’s like, totally obvious but just like, i didn’t much have the reason to even look at the would-be obvious stuff from the right perspex till now. and it’s pretty fun to realize a Lifelong Area Of Big Interest like that, cuz those sorts of things can feel elusive. and then also unfortunately a lot of the decade has involved like, “oh my self-esteem is so fucked that it’s circling back around and i’m appreciating and valuing myself and that i deserve decent treatment and Not bad shit,” which was a crappy process obviously lol but it was nice when i did start to get there, and making further progress on that front. im not dead certain when i was like “hmm...am autistic” b/c that was definitely a really ongoing process of figuring that out lol, but when / as i did it’s definitely a series of “oh hahaha this is why i’m like This or why i do This or feel like This about This!!” and it’s really easy to learn a totally Brand New Thing all the time abt bein autistic where it’s like Oh #Me!! coz yknow. the info By and For autistic ppl is not always widely available and known of. love that for us

#thank u!!! and thanks for the End Of Decade Ask Meme in the first place lol #cockbiteproductions

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gg-astrology · 6 years ago

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hiii, i saw that you were doing sun/moon combos. can you do one for an aries sun and gemini moon pls? thanks so much 🌺💞

hey there!! 💕 I’ll do my best~ and yes I am (doing the sun/moon thingy) 💕

[Below Cut: Aries Sun - Gemini Moon 👌]

Ooof gotta zooom!!! fast!!!!

These people are one of those people who are walking and talking at the same time (at a rapid pace, which is noticeable when u meet them)

Do they have problems going up to people to say hi? Maybe if they have a fluttering-heart-sweetening crush. But usually? They’re There

“Hi, What’s Your Name? I Saw You Standing Here So I Came Over To Talk/Get To Know You”

They are.....active like, sometimes it be really hard to keep pace with them. Not just in their conversation but also in how they move as well.

They can sometimes be forgetful, especially with what they’re talking about. Since they jump from topic to topic, whatever comes to mind takes immediate interests to them (priority!)

Do they know what they’re talking about sometimes? Not really, but they’ll let you know their opinion on it (and grow/learn from others-- collect different opinions. Show you and then work on something together. They’re definitely not opposed to learning.)

Are they enthusiastic/interested in everything they talk about?? Yes!!! (Unless you’re forcing them to have an opinion on something, or trying to talk about a subject they don’t want to engage with. Or like-- they just don’t like you. Can sometimes lash out/explode or shut down to avoid that. But you Will Know because they’re inherently-- a very honest and up-front individual who Cannot And Will Not Hide themselves.)

(It’s also like....they Cant Hide Themselves Well either so?? why bother when you can be Honest y know skdnfk)

They have Interests, and these Interests keeps on on topic. So as soon as something else Interests them, they zoom to that instead

Friendly people, like extremely so. They are sociable, but at the same time they need their space away. To do their own thing. No expectations of them to be obligated to others or a ‘group’ of people who are going to emotionally manipulate them is going to keep them (*watch that they don’t get this done to them by people they love/care for)

Not a personal flaw, but sometimes they’re so fast that they can’t even keep pace with themselves (’what was I saying?? what did we talk about?? i forgot’ or ‘what was I doing??’)

(also: sometimes forgets about people they’ve met, until they see them again and they’re like ‘I remember you!’ they don’t when specifically they just know they’ve seen/talked to them before somewhere)

If you want to keep them around, having constant conversations together is a must. Like they’re stimulated by people, by engagement. So keeping things fresh, new, interesting and engaging is one of the things that’ll make them remember for more than other’s appearance/vague idea of them (standing out individually and not like a ‘clump’ of scenarios/context for them to remember others by).

But dont EVER try to make a routine out of it!! Expectations?? Routine?? Strict ‘scheduling’ for conversations or pressure of personal/intimate expectations from others?? PAH

Give them space, they like to be free. They will engage with you when they want to, when they have time or feel like they’re in a good state of mind to do so.

Usually, these conversations lasts pretty long (*unless you aren’t very engaging) and can be like for a whole day sometimes (they just get carried away with it occasionally)

They are people who will love exploring, but at the same time they must maintain their autonomous position as someone who moves around a lot (doesn’t like to be bogged down physically as well, their mind moves too fast so they gotta-- have like an outlet, a ‘connector’ like their phone/laptop to keep them engaged)

They take notes or cues though, like when you mention something off-hand like liking something they aren’t familiar with-- they remember that and bring it up to you again when they learn more about it/want to hear what you have to say!!!

They like to have conversations about the world, about people. About things happening and surprisingly?? Also interests in different areas because they like learning about different people/subjects/interests that varies

You know what the thing is about these people??? They are very empathetic speakers because they care about what they’re interested in, so when they speak about something. It’s from genuine joy/heart (and thats what makes them so youthful/up-lifting to be around-- no ulterior motive rather than enjoying what the subject is)

Sometimes they can be a lil too blunt/direct (their sense of humour comes out wrong--- learning to read context clues and sensitivity to others). A lil bogged down too which affects them a lot (since it compromises their ‘wants/desires’ into being ‘needs/from others’ instead.)

They may be flexible but they can only bend to the extent that their backs don’t break. So having to be the ‘traditional’ (imagine Sag/Jupiter) feels tiring to them.

They speak because they want to, not because they have to. Sometimes, even they are tired from expelling everything out and then the general ‘exhaustion’ left behind is what makes them feel demotivated/tired.

Because they are motivated by interests/freedom to choose--- sometimes having that compromised can be difficult for them (no matter the context)

Ah one good thing about them is that--- they are quickly, swift and conclusive, which makes them concise. Solutions/clarity to a problem comes quickly to them even without them realizing it. It can feel intuitive sometimes, but they manage to pull out the explanation of ‘why’ on the first round as well (doesn’t go slowly or like, try to second guess themselves until later. Usually their first bet is the best bet.)

Like they may be opinionated, but they put it into good use (bullet points, especially-- will help them/is their best friend when communicating to others) They especially have to find a good outlet for their powers, because they take notice of everything in the environment (and has a strong need to expel it/communicate it to people around them)

And while their natural talent is good-- they will need to challenge themselves and take it a step further in learning how to listen, how to let others dominate the conversation and how to work with others by holding their tongue/learning some modicum of social interactions/communication expectations sometimes.

Learn how to relax, how to chill. And to do that you gotta be in a position where you are expected to ‘behave’ in a certain manner. Not saying you gotta compromise your autonomy, but just saying you may want to learn how to collaborate other people in to the mix--- to help with all the ‘edgelord’ stuff you do sometimes

(or like, pride yourself in being edgy, but also you do tend to get moody/frustrated when people are unresponsive/unappreciative of you-- so maybe look at that and try to figure out why you feel terrible about it, maybe it’s not their fault? Maybe it’s pointing to you perhaps-- controlling yourself a lil so you don’t exhaust yourself out sometimes?)

Anyways! 💕 This is something they have to be ‘teased’ about so they can go ask others for opinions on them (and help themselves)!! 💕 Good luck precious lil beans!! 💕💕💕I hope u enjoy!! 💕

#aries sun #gemini moon #aries-gemini #aries #gemini #anon #asks

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kentaurex · 6 years ago

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i got tagged by @trulycertain and @remember-panchaea for this song meme and had to group my entire spotify playlist into a folder to do this properly which, honestly is good because ive been meaning to tidy up

i did this once with my phone b4 but im doing it again because im narcissistic and i tagged some of yall so i wont put you through that again unless of course you want to :3

turned out much better this time i think. most weird music lives on my phone.

It's End Of The World As We Know It (And I feel Fine) - R.E.M.

this is bop do i need to elaborate

I’m trying to learn the lyrics but its going a bit slowly because I’ve not looked them up in years.

To Lose My Life - White Lies

This is also a bop but a sad, tragic bop. White Lies are bop. Also, it’s a dude singing about a dude but for some reason I cannot find any information about this on the internet. Do I stan an LGBT band? I don’t know. You don't know. Who knows. Apparently I should stop asking.

Starts with He said to lose my life or lose my love / That's the nightmare I've been running from if you are looking for a concise example of the Flavor of tragic.

Exist - Club Mix OVERWERK

TBH I would elaborate on this one but I can’t remember which one this is. I’ll go listen to it when To Lose My Life goes off. Anyway, OVERWERK has pulled half his stuff from spotify because he’s tired of people only listening to his old things, so his collection is a bit of a mess and is hard to keep up with.

also tbh state was meh at best so. i havent heard to new one i just noticed he had one. Canon album, though, was a masterpiece but we’ll get back to that

OH yes this one! This is a very good one. Dark in a victorian-street-with-oil-lamps-and-lace kind of way and mysterious. A little forlorn too, if you ask me. I end up humming parts of this all the time, and then forgetting which OVERWERK track it comes from, then having to listen to like half his work to find it. Also I get it hyper-confused with Conquer, which is another song I do the exact same thing to. I don’t know what that says about Exist, but. It must say something. Something good, I think. The problem is it’s not in an album and his work on Spotify is already an organizational mess.

Sugar High - Approaching Nirvana

I devoured every ounce of fyreuk’s timelapse videos okay you know whats up. you know. you know. yes you do

Feel So Close - Calvin Harris

Hello pop song!

Surrounds me like a waterfall is the funnest lyrics to sing.

Stolen Dance (remix i found on youtube)

One day, I was in a café eating that really thin layers of pastry and honey treat for the first time, and I heard a remix of Stolen Dance that was absolutely divine. As soon as I got home, I tried to find it. And I couldn’t. In fact I could never ever ever ever find it online. So, this is some random person’s homemade remix that i found on youtube one day.

It occurs to me that you may ask why a youtube song is on my Spotify. We don’t talk about that. Tragic really.

Jurassic Snack Pack - Prototyperaptor

This is a very cheerful? Happysome? Success-training-montage? This is a very aesthetic chiptune(?) song. Good for playing moderate-volume as you putter around doing household things and dancing in a way that’s really more like uncoordinated flailing and bobbing.

I also feel like it would make a good rollercoaster song but that’s beside the point.

On The Floor - Jennifer Lopez

dance

During the two minutes I had a Dutch relative, he got into a debate we got him really worked up about this song versus the original version, which I did not know existed.

Signature - Thomas Bangalter Edit - DJ Mehdi

This one is just. I wouldn’t if I were you. It’s from my Glitchy playlist, I think. the glitchy playlist doesn’t have enough songs because there are not enough good glitchy songs in the world. This one shouldn’t even count, the serious glitchy bits aren’t very (though imo the whole of the way the song goes hard on the repetition really sets that part up to be a head trip). Early OVERWERK used to hit the spot but he’s doing more smooth things now. Botnek is also okay, but they almost always feel waay too Deliberately Edgy for me.

Anyhow, while putting in the link I learned there are apparently two of these, one of which is half the length of this, for people who don’t like being beat over the head for six minutes at a time.

I have to be careful when I listen to this outloud because this is probably one of the more potentially annoying songs I have on any of my playlists, really.

Toccata - OVERWERK

FAVORITE! FAVORITE! FAVORITE! YOU GUYS HAVE HAD TO SIT THROUGH ME PUSHING THIS INTO YOUR LAPS BEFORE AND SHUFFLE HAS MY BACK AGAIN TODAY! FAVORITE! FAVORITE!

deus ex song. this is the whole headline

the subtitle is, toccata and fugue in D minor by bach but in a Bach Is A Divine Android Being Modern AU.

I almost got to go to OVERWERK live. was one minute away from buying the tickets and everything. Then my fam changed their mind at the last second about me being able to come down for the long weekend. In retrospect, I love them, but the tickets were iirc thirteen bucks and.

then again if I heard toccata live, I might die. like on the spot. im exaggerating but only a little.

ALRIGHT

Now I’ve got to go listen to all yalls music. And overwerks new album. Which apparently spotify didn't see fit to bother me about even though I have ever song he’s got in various playlists including the one from The Sims 4.

#about me #long post

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drunklander · 7 years ago

Text

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 303

Ok so I was out of town this weekend and rather than word-vomiting nonsense into evernote as I watched the episode like I usually do, I happy-flailed, rage-flailed, made incoherent noises while pointing at my phone, somehow managed to get myself buried in the pillows I was leaning on, chose to not unbury myself and eventually just kept dramatically flopping and throwing the blanket over my head because it was 2:30 in the morning and I was in a special kind of ridiculous mood that comes from running around a warehouse for two hours at the best version of Macbeth ever. (Third time going and it’s still one of my favorite things.)

Anywho...

I think this episode is my favorite so far this season? But like, I still have the same general feelings about it that I had after the first two? I liked Jamie’s side better because it didn’t make me rage. Claire’s side was just about Frank’s #manpain, because of course it was. Last week her side didn’t make me rage and was actually about her so of course now we’re back to #manpain. And obviously I have rage about it. It felt less rushed than the last two, but like I almost wish they cut back on the Claire and Frank stuff to give the Ardsmuir stuff a bit more time? Which isn’t to say that I think Claire is less important than Jamie or in any less pain than him or is any less broken or empty (I don’t feel that way *at all*), I just keep thinking that since they decided to literally just make her side of things about Frank and not explore her becoming a surgeon or her with Bree, that it could have be told in a more concise way since Jamie’s side of things has more plot points to hit along the way? I don’t know... Whatever, at least Frank’s dead now and went out as the steaming pile of shit he’s always been.

The word version of my dramatic flopping is under the cut...

Scotland

I like the walk and talk with LJG. Sets up everything without feeling like an exposition dump. Ok a little like an exposition dump, but I still like it.

Slash I like how we know Lord John remembers exactly who Jamie is and what he did just by him losing his cool for a second with “I’ll not dine with that--”. No further explanation necessary or given.

MURTAGH!!! Guys I’m still fucking ecstatic that they decided to save Murtagh. Like thank you, show. I know I shit on you on the reg, but holy shit thank you for saving Murtagh.

I can’t wait to see their reunion. I’m guessing since we didn’t get it here, we’ll maybe get it when Claire comes back and Jamie’s telling her that Murtagh survived? Like I’m guessing that scene and the Ellen’s tower scene and Claire doing surgery will be in ep. 306 when they’re telling each other what they’ve been through? Since Matt wrote this one and that one?

The first time watching this I was like ok he’s coughing. He can’t be coughing. Because coughing means he’s gonna die and he can’t have been saved just to die. But I love how it plays out.

And I *love* that it’s Murtagh’s bit of plaid. I love that he’s the one who is holding on to the old ways and to the memory of Claire and wants to talk about her. It’s a nice contrast to Jamie who has yet to say Claire’s name because it’s all he can do to hold himself together and talking about her and the baby with others would make him lose it completely. Like he clearly thinks about her all the time and uses what she taught him, but he never says her name because at this point that’s still too much.

I’m also really glad they cut the bit where the plaid was found and Jamie gets flogged again. We’ve seen him flogged enough times that we really don’t need to go back to that yet again. And I feel like with the small tweak to the stuff with Lord John, it wasn’t needed. I like that they just let the plaid be a small symbol that despite the English’s best efforts, the Highland culture hasn’t been entirely snuffed out.

Jamie using what Claire taught him to care for Murtagh and the men makes me feel all the feelings. He can’t say her name, but dammit he loves and misses her so much and has so much respect for her skills as a healer and *assumes fetal position*.

I giggle every time Lord John is referred to as John William Grey. Like they gotta keep including that middle name since they forgot his first name last year. (I know, I need to stop picking on that. But it was dumb and will never stop being dumb.)

I love the small expression on Lord John’s face when he finds out the men eat the rats. Like they’re prisoners but that’s an indignity too far? Reminded me of how Hal insisted that the men be propped up to be shot in ep. 301.

Lord John’s line about how heavy Jamie’s irons must feel give me preemptive sads for just how heavy they are and will remain for Jamie. Because he feels their weight for years after they’re struck off.

Jamie putting pride aside and asking for blankets for Murtagh specifically (not just asking as the leader of all the men) makes me want to hug him and tell him it’ll be ok. (Also, are we just ditching the Fraser part of Murtagh’s name? Because he’s just Murtagh Fitzgibbons twice in this episode? *shrug*) And the look on Lord John’s face there. Like he knows that it’s costing Jamie to expose a point of vulnerability here with this request for Murtagh and he can appreciate just how much Jamie must care for his kinsman since he’s willing to ask.

The look that comes over Jamie’s face while their theme plays as he thinks there’s a glimmer of hope that he can find Claire again murders me. In the best way possible.

“There’s nothing you can do that hasn’t already been done to me. So, try if you must.” Excuse me while I get a bit emotional.

Jamie’s hesitation before telling Murtagh that Kerr mentioned a white witch makes me feel things to the point where I almost forget that all the white witch stuff makes me roll my eyes, but they’re committed to it so whatever. Like telling Murtagh about it is a step beyond just hoping. It’s admitting out loud to that hope. And that’s a vulnerable place to be in, like it makes the hope a bit more real.

Murtagh talking about Claire and the baby and how he thinks of her and wanting to talk to Jamie about it is so sweet and I just love Murtagh so much and I’m so glad he’s not dead.

Seriously though, Jamie’s respect for Claire’s healing and dietary advice throughout this episode kills me with feelings. Frank uses her doctor title to try to hurt her while they fight. Jamie is just filled with respect for his wife’s skill.

Also, I love Jamie using his wine knowledge. Like the dude has suffered so damn much, I’m glad he got a little grin out of still being able to identify what wine it was.

And omg him telling the men about the food plays so much better in the show than it did in the book.

I giggled about the little hiding spot bit, but I really do love that the men respect him enough and are loyal enough that they go along with his plan instead of feeling like he’s abandoning them and rat him out.

And I do like the parallel of Jamie sneaking up on Lord John, but him calling him William Grey again and then reciting his birth order and father’s title really just rubs in again how silly it was to not just go with the name last year that he’s going to use for the rest of the series. (I’m letting this go now, I swear. Until the next time. Because apparently this is the hill I’m willing to die on.)

The flashbacks are a bit much though. Like we eventually see pretty much that entire scene from last year and I really don’t think it was necessary. But like, whatever, it’s not something I’m like ragey about. Just like, I feel like that time could have been better spent...

And yeah, since we didn’t see Jamie at the tower in this episode, I’m guessing we’re going to get it when he’s telling Claire about it. Which I’m here for. Like let us see the emotional part of it when we can then see Claire reacting to Jamie’s emotions. Give me that in my eyeballs please and thank you.

Although I feel like the scene of him asking to be killed as the second part of Lord John’s promise would work a little better if we did get a little more of his despair. Like his last shred of hope of finding Claire again was just dashed and that’s what’s prompting this. But I feel like there’s a little something missing that might have made it land better? Whatever, I still get the point I guess?

Also, this is the second time that someone has promised to kill Jamie and reneged on that promise. First BJR and now LJG...

“She’s truly gone.” JUST WAIT ANOTHER FEW EPISODES, BUDDY! YOU CAN DO IT! IT’LL BE OK!

Thanks, Lord John, for the rando doctor because it would really suck if Murtagh was saved just to die in prison! (Guys I am seriously beyond fucking pumped that Murtagh got saved. THINK OF HIM MEETING BREE! THINK OF HIM GETTING REUNITED WITH CLAIRE! THINK OF ALL THE AWESOMENESS THAT COMES FROM MURTAGH STILL BEING AROUND! I LOVE SHOW!MURTAGH SO MUCH!)

I like that much like Jamie hasn’t been able to say Claire’s name up until this point, Lord John doesn’t say Hector’s.

“Some people you grieve over forever.” I’m hoping I like show!LJG better than book!LJG, but I do like that he can probably appreciate what Jamie is feeling better than most people.

“I think perhaps the greatest burden lies in caring for those we cannot help. Not in having no one for whom to care. That is emptiness. But no great burden.” No comment on this one, just glad that was included because I like it a lot.

Gah but with that whole exchange. Jamie knows that Lord John might be able to understand the depth of his loss and says Claire’s name for the first time and I have feelings.

I wish the moment wasn’t broken up by a flashback, but I do like the back and forth with Jamie telling Lord John that the woman was his wife.

But ugh, Lord John. Nope. Don’t do that. Don’t touch him like that. I know you just bonded but not like to the point where you’d think this was ok. And even if you were feeling things, you definitely wouldn’t do this. Like not just because you’re used to hiding that part of yourself, but because you’re an honorable soldier and the power dynamic here is not ok. You’re not equals and as much as you guys just got real with each other, I don’t think you’d forget that.

And I 100% think that Jamie’s reaction here is strictly PTSD from his rape. Book!Jamie definitely had some homophobic tendencies, but in this scene I really think it’s just his trauma coming back to him. Like his face. Omfg there is zero doubt that he will kill Lord John right there, consequences be damned, if LJG doesn’t move his hand.

I really hope they tone down Lord John’s constantly reminding everyone that he’s in love with Jamie. It’s why I can’t really be on board with him in the books. But if they make some small changes, I can definitely be on board with him in the show.

I like that Murtagh was revealed to be alive now rather than waiting until like the end of the season once he’d been transported. (Because we all thought that if he got to live, he’d end up transported, right? I feel like that was a thing most people were guessing.) Like now we don’t need to have to care about prison randos and we [hopefully] get to see Jamie finding out he’s alive when Jamie tells Claire he’s alive, and then another reunion when [I’m guessing] they find him again in the colonies.

Lord John apologizing for touching Jamie in the prison makes me really hopeful that I’m going to like him in the show. Like I *love* that they had him apologize. They’ve done such a good job adapting the secondary characters that I think it’s not too much to hope that I’ll end up liking him more than book!LJG. But yeah, great change, show. Well done.

Lord John giving Jamie the best life he can because he wants to discharge the debt for his own name, and not because he’s like in love with Jamie or whatever, makes me happy.

(For real, can they just be friends without the gay guy in love with his straight BFF trope? And just let them have a friendship based on mutual respect and shit? Please?)

Boston

Not a fan of the dog as the title card. Like I get that it’s a reference to the book where Bree had a dog, but the dog is in like half a shot in the show so it’s just random to use that instead of something that’s actually related to what they’re exploring in the episode? I mean, who cares, it’s a title card. But it’s still an odd choice.

Oh look! Frank’s in the kitchen! The woman’s place! *eye roll* Except nope it’s not because he’s a nice guy and is cooking breakfast to be helpful. No. Of course not. Because this is Frank and Frank is an asshole. His breakfasts obviously have an ulterior motive. Like seriously, Frank. Bree’s growing up in the U.S. She’s going to like fucking Eggos. Eggos are fucking great. Just ask Eleven. But no. Claire likes America and wanted to become a citizen as something for herself and now Bree’s an American so clearly that needs to be remedied. Let the girl eat the damn frozen waffles, Frank, and stop trying to force *everyone* to be the version of themselves that *you* want them to be.

Look at Claire being all pleasant and conversational. Look at Claire being friendly and making casual, platonic plans. Look at Claire knowing that they’ve decided to live separate lives but still being civil and personable and friendly because they live together. And now look at Frank being a steaming pile of trash. She’s not asking you to go on some romantic date or to pretend like you’re in a regular marriage, you rancid trash fire. She’s literally seeing if you want to go to the movies. And you need to go and make it uncomfortable because clearly seeing a movie twice is just absurd and casually being like thanks for the offer, but I think I have to pass on this one would be the nice thing to do, but you can’t help making Claire feel like shit at every possible opportunity. Like seriously, making Claire feel like she did something wrong there, like somehow with this innocuous invitation she’s breaching the agreement you have, is just a dick move. You’re a terrible person, Frank.

“Nothing a cold martini won’t cure.” I want to be friends with Joe. Joe is great. I love Joe. I wish we had more with Claire and Joe because dammit, Claire needs someone in her life who isn’t trying to make her feel like shit every time they interact.

Oh hey! It’s Frank’s girlfriend! Time to go on a ramble. I’m glad that they had Claire be like yeah, it’s cool to live separate lives. Because Claire knows she’s never going to be what Frank wants her to be. And Frank makes damn sure that she can never forget that. Because Frank is an asshole. Like Claire should have left, promise to Jamie or no promise. It’s stupid and really not believable to me that she stuck around. Your mileage may vary. But she stayed and says it’s cool for Frank to go and lead his life. There’s a line in Drums where Claire is thinking of why she never called Frank out on his affairs: “I could not; I had no right.” She knows that she can’t be what he wants her to be. She knows she’s emotionally unfaithful. The affairs in the book hurt her, she’s only human, but she believes that she really can’t call him out. So I like that here, instead of it being like they’re actually still pretending to be in a functioning marriage, she gives Frank that freedom. Because Claire is imperfect, but still a good person.

And then there’s Frank. And Frank is a vindictive jackass. There’s living your own life and having a girlfriend and whatever, and then there’s inviting your girlfriend to your house on the day of your wife’s graduation party. And then when she shows up, *inviting her in* while your wife wrangles all the guests and has everyone leave. Because Claire went to med school and became a surgeon so of course even that has to be about Frank and how much of a piece of shit he is. Claire can’t possibly have one moment to celebrate her achievements. Nope. That’d be too much to ask. Gotta throw some Frank bullshit in.

“You invited her here. Where our daughter lives.” Claire’s first thought isn’t of how Frank fucked up her day here. Which she’d be totally entitled to do. No, Claire’s first thought is about Bree. Because her priority is to make sure Bree has a loving environment. Even if it means staying in an absolutely shitty situation. (You seriously should have left, Claire...) She does it for Bree. And Frank fucking brought his girlfriend over and threatened the illusion for Bree. Honestly, Claire’s the one here who looks like a good fucking parent. You’re a rancid glob of old cheese that’s stinking up the fridge, Frank.

“You were taking the car, she was just picking me up.” Right, Frank. Sure. You want brownie points for being discreet while also inviting your girlfriend to pick you up from your house where a graduation party is being held. I don’t care if you thought the dinner reservation was at a different time. If you’re actually looking to be discreet, you don’t have your girlfriend come to your damn house.

“You really dislike me that much?” Yes, Claire. He fucking resents you. He’s a shit sandwich. He resents you for not being what he wants you to be even though you’ve been honest about where you were about things from the start, and instead of leaving he sticks around and makes you feel terrible about yourself because he’s a petty, selfish, pathetic excuse of a man.

“Do you honest think that anyone at Harvard believes that we’re happily married?” No no no. Noooope. No, Frank. You don’t get to pull some whataboutism bullshit here. It’s not Claire’s fucking job to convince your Harvard people that you’re happily married. That’s not part of the fucking conditions. She said she wouldn’t talk about the past and that you could raise Bree to think you were her father. She’s doing that. Beyond that she owes you jack shit. Like you’re making it seem like she actually went to your work shit over the last few years, which would be doing you a fucking favor she didn’t have to. Because you’re living separate lives now, remember? It was Claire’s idea. That goes both ways. You get your girlfriend and she doesn’t have to pretend like she’s in love with you. And jfc the fact that you don’t see a difference between not “acting happy enough” at a work thing and FUCKING BRINGING YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO YOUR WIFE’S GRADUATION PARTY makes me want to punch you more than I already do. You really are the world’s biggest douchenozzle, Frank. I can’t wait for you to die. *checks time left in episode*

Having Claire call whatever her name is a harlot is not a good look for Claire. But like I said before and like what’s in the books, Claire’s human and Frank hurt her by bringing the girlfriend around. I can understand why she’d hit back like this. And it parallels Frank reducing what she had with Jamie to just fucking. Except what Frank and this lady have is def not the same as what Jamie and Claire have, because I honestly think Frank is incapable of loving and accepting a woman as his equal.

“Green ain’t your color, Claire.” Yeah, but like deep down she’s not jealous? Like on the surface, maybe, she’s human, but she doesn’t want you? She’s pissed that you were a complete twatwaffle and is hitting back. Because she’s fucking human and we all do shit like this when we’re pissed. You’re still the bad guy here, asshole.

“You wanted to hurt me.” “Maybe I did.” Yeah, no shit you did, Frank. That’s the only fucking reason you’re still around. To fucking hurt Claire. Because you’re so fucking selfish and petty that once you finally wrapped your fucking head around the fact that she’s never going to love you the way you want her to, you fucking stuck around to make her life miserable. You are the worst kind of cruel.

“Maybe I wanted to give you a taste of your own medicine.” Ok but you knew what you were getting into, Fred. Claire has been honest from the start. And she’s clearly been trying to make things as ok for you as she can. (Seriously, Claire, you should have fucking left.) She’s literally living up to her end of your deal while letting you do whatever the fuck you like with whoever the fuck you like. It’s your own damn fault you decided to stay. You lose all right to be this shitty. You can leave and you should leave but it’s your own selfish pettiness that makes you stay just so you can make this woman’s life miserable.

And the loathing in his voice when he says “Dr. Randall.” Like it *kills* him that despite his best efforts to destroy this woman, she managed to achieve her own damn goals. How anyone can think this fuckwad is a good guy is beyond me. (Like you do you, keep thinking whatever you want to think. Each to their own. Yada yada yada. But I will *never* understand it.)

“Have you fucked her in our bedroom?” I honestly don’t think Claire’s upset here about if the fucking actually happened, I think she’s just realizing just how vindictive Frank is that this is something he’d probably do just to spite her.

“File for divorce. You’d have your freedom.” “Yes, I would.” Like yeah, Claire should have left, but she didn’t. Because she promised Jamie and then because she’s a good person who didn’t want to take Bree away from Frank. But I love that she’s turning the tables on Frank now. And being like yeah, you know what. You can leave too. It’s clearly the best move. But Frank’s like nope. And I don’t believe for a second that it’s because he thinks Claire will keep Bree from him. Claire wouldn’t do that. She knows that Bree loves Frank, and Claire isn’t a piece of shit. She’s flawed, but she’s not a terrible person in the way that Frank is a terrible person. Claire would never take Bree from Frank and Frank knows it. He’s literally only staying so he can keep having his cake and eating it too. He can have his girlfriend and still torment Claire at every available opportunity.

“Forgive me, Claire, if I don’t risk everything on your promises. You have not been very good at keeping them.” Uh, buddy? Slow your roll. Yes, she fell in love with another guy when her whole life was turned upside down. That hurt you. I get that. But shit happens and most people can move on without being this much of puddle of raw sewage. And since she’s been back, she’s been exceptional at keeping her fucking promises. She accepted your damn conditions and she has kept them to the letter. Even at the cost of her relationship with her and Jamie’s daughter. So you, sir, can go fuck yourself.

Frank contradicting Claire over Bree’s birthday wish is such a perfect little window into how much of a manipulative, terrible person he is. It’s not enough that he gets to raise Bree as his own like he demanded. No, not for good ol’ Franky boy. Nope. He needs to undermine Claire. He needs to be the good guy who might give Bree a car when Claire says no. He needs to subtly (and probably consistently) make himself seem like the one who truly cares about Bree. He needs to carefully do stuff like this the whole time Bree is growing up so she notices that Claire is a bit distant. That’s not being a good parent. That’s being a terrible parent. Frank really needs to die already. *checks time left in episode*

Omg Claire’s face when she tells Bree she’s proud of her at graduation. Like Claire so obviously loves her daughter. And I honestly think that if Frank wasn’t undercutting her at every turn, she could have managed to have a better relationship with Bree. Like there was always going to be some distance, but I’m thinking Bree might not have noticed as much if Frank wasn’t like always making himself out to be the Good Guy parent?

“I’d like to take Brianna to England. I want a divorce, Claire.” You really are the most selfish prick, Frank. Like Bree’s going to go off to college regardless so this is Frank’s last chance to use her as a weapon to hurt Claire.

And jfc, “We’ll get married as soon as I’m free. I’m finished with this, Claire.” Seriously, Frank. You could have left years ago. You *should* have left years ago. You don’t get to be fucking butthurt here. Claire didn’t fuck with you. *You* refused to accept reality. She tried her fucking best for all these years. Now that you’re *finally* accepting how things are, you don’t get any fucking sympathy. You don’t get to play the fucking victim. You have spent fucking decades making Claire’s life as miserable as possible. You are not a good person. You are fucking scum.

Claire realizing that he’s only stuck around to fuck with her is kind of heartbreaking. Like she had things so much worse because she never was given the space to grieve, and just kept everything bottled up and it was all for a guy who just wanted to hurt her.

“Be reasonable, Claire.” HOW CAN ANYONE POSSIBLY FUCKING THINK THIS GUY IS ANYTHING BUT A FLAMING SACK OF SHIT?! BE REASONABLE?! SHE’S BEEN FUCKING REASONABLE FOR ALMOST 20 YEARS. SHE’S DONE EVERYTHING YOU’VE FUCKING ASKED AT THE EXPENSE OF WHAT *SHE* NEEDED. SHE COULDN’T GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANTED SO SHE GAVE YOU WHAT SHE COULD. AND YOU WERE NOTHING BUT TERRIBLE TO HER IN RETURN.

Yeah, they took out him being racist af, but show!Frank is just as fucking terrible as book!Frank. Can you please just fucking die already. *checks time left in episode*

“I would like to live the rest of my life with a wife who truly loves me.” EXCEPT THAT CLEARLY YOU’D RATHER TORMENT CLAIRE THAN ACTUALLY DO THAT YOU PATHETIC, PETTY WASTE OF OXYGEN. YOU COULD HAVE MARRIED YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND YEARS AGO. YOU KNEW YOU COULD STILL BE IN BREE’S LIFE. BUT YOU CHOSE NOT TO BECAUSE YOU’RE SO FUCKING SHITTY YOU WOULD RATHER STICK AROUND JUST TO HURT CLAIRE. YOU DO NOT DESERVE A HAPPY ENDING, FRANK. YOU DESERVE A MORE VIOLENT DEATH THAN YOU GOT.

“You couldn’t look at Brianna without seeing him. Could you? Without that constant reminder.” NO SHIT, FRANK. BUT NO, YOU COULD NEVER SEE HOW MUCH CLAIRE WAS HURTING. OR HOW MUCH YOUR FUCKING CONDITIONS WERE RUINING THE RELATIONSHIP SHE COULD HAVE HAD WITH HER DAUGHTER. BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE WAS FUCKING REMINDED OF JAMIE. SO OF COURSE IT HURT HER TO NOT BE ABLE TO SHARE JAMIE WITH BREE. AND OF COURSE SHE FUCKING HAD TO WATCH HERSELF AROUND BREE CONSTANTLY SO THAT SHE DIDN’T SLIP UP. EVEN WITHOUT YOUR UNDERCUTTING HER AS A PARENT, IT WAS ALREADY YOUR FAULT THAT SHE WASN’T AS CLOSE TO BREE AS SHE COULD HAVE BEEN.

CLAIRE YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING JUST LEFT. I KNOW YOU PROMISED BUT FFS JAMIE WOULDN’T HAVE WANTED YOUR DAUGHTER TO LOSE YOU AS WELL AS HIM. UGH I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. LIKE IT’S SO WELL ACTED BUT I STILL WANT TO THROW SOMETHING.

“Might you have forgotten him, with time?” “That amount of time doesn’t exist.” Yup. Boom. And yet she still fucking tried, Frank. She still gave it everything she fucking had. She didn’t even get to grieve. She fucking bottled everything up and fucking put on a brave face and fucking gave it her all. And you were too selfish and petty to fucking see or appreciate just how hard she was fucking trying. You are literally the worst.

I’m usually ok with changing stuff from being verbatim from the books (with a few exceptions...), but in the scene with Claire and Frank’s body, I kind of miss the finality of the “once” at the end of the line? “I did love you. Once.” But yeah, he was her first love. And that does mean something. But not enough of something for me to not be annoyed that 2/3 of her side of the story thus far has been about him.

I think I find this side of things so annoying and rage-inducing because none of it feels like it earned the right to happen. The choice, to me, for Claire was never Jamie vs. Frank. It was Jamie vs. the entire 20th century. That was the hard choice. The Jamie vs. Frank choice was easy. Frank wasn’t right for her before she left. She chose not to go back to him. And having her stay in a loveless marriage with a manipulative asshole for 20 years is far less interesting to me than watching her try to get along by herself with Bree might have been. But “she made a promise to Jamie” yada yada, and we’re stuck with Frank. Who stopped being relevant ages ago. I know, “jfc, get over it, this is how it is, stfu,” so consider standard disclaimers about this being just my opinion and other’s being able to have theirs and yada yada applied. I hope assume most people who find this take the most annoying have already unfollowed/blocked/blacklisted me. But holy shit I’m glad this asshole is finally dead, and I really hope the Claire and Bree stuff in the next couple episodes is amazing because that’s what I’m here for. End rant.

#*#drunj!der yells about outlander #outlander starz #outlander 3x03

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kleroterion · 8 years ago

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Thoughts on Long-Term Unemployment

This is not a survival guide, nor is it a comprehensive tip list for getting through long-term unemployment (or, really, any period of unemployment). It’s a series of things that I learned while job searching for almost a year after I graduated from college. A close friend was looking for almost 3 years post-graduation, and another friend close to 8 months. This is not a unique experience and you are not alone. Granted, I had it easy compared to others - a supportive family, a place to stay and be cared for while I looked for a job, and enough savings to get me by. But it was a terrible experience and I want to at least try to help someone who is going through the same thing. These musings reflect my own experience and will not necessarily apply to everyone. This is a collection of notes and thoughts, not a panacea. I know at the end of the day you will go to bed with anxiety, no matter what I say. But maybe something here will speak to someone. I want to try.

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Phone interviews/pre-interviews are increasingly common, which gives you an opportunity to really shine - you’ve got the advantage. A lot of people have phone anxiety, but think of it as a way to cater the conversation to your space: you can have information pulled up on your computer, spread out hand-written scribbles in front of you, and be dressed in comfy pajamas. Make it so that the interview is on your terms - times are typically highly negotiable because it’s just over the phone, so you can pick a time that represents your peak efficiency mode.

If you can, try to participate in something during this long stretch of time. This is something that requires a financial safety net, so it won’t work for everyone (I’m sorry). Try to find activities that you can talk about in interviews or that can build your resume (but aren’t filler): Volunteering (Meals on Wheels, at a library, homeless shelters), aiding a political campaign, learning a new skill/language, or studying for an exam you know you’ll have to take (the GRE, LSAT, MCAT, etc.). Take advantage of this time if you can. Getting out of the house and socializing is really important during these hard times and working towards a goal or helping others is a way to move forward when you feel so stuck.

Open curtains and windows. Being cloistered up with only fluorescents or lamp light isn’t super conducive to mental health (in my opinion). Air out the house. Let natural sunlight in.

People in the relevant industries should consider having an online portfolio, and that url should be placed prominently on one’s resume. WordPress is free, and employers (especially in that industry) like to see applicants with 21st-century skill sets. Demonstrate that you can navigate website-making tools while also showing off your talents. If you can, buy a domain name, but it’s not essential. WordPress has enough versatility on its own to get you what you need and to let people see what you are capable of.

Yes, you will have to write cover letters. Because you’re going to be applying a lot, have a template that you can customize for each job. It should be something general enough to work for many outlets, but you need to make a point to make it unique to each company you apply to - tailoring is essential. You won’t necessarily need to write a new one from scratch each time, but make sure to let them know you’re talking to them, not just anyone. Read the job description and incorporate their needs with your skill set into the letter. Try to make your letter a narrative rather than a formulaic sheet of information that they can easily glean from your resume. What experiences make you qualified for that particular job? Why are you the best candidate, and how can you prove it? Find a way to show patterns and traits in your life that define you as a person, and tie it into your employment and experience.

Self-care is a thing for a reason. Stay hydrated. Shower. Do the dishes. Getting up in the morning can be really hard. There’s a lot of disappointment in long-term unemployment. Taking the little steps each day when you don’t want to will keep a sense of control and order in your life. A pile of dirty dishes in the sink, clutter and laundry, dirty hair: no judgment. Seriously. I understand depression. I’ve been there. I’m there. But those things, while seemingly just aesthetic, really do impact you mentally. If you can try to stay on top of those things, you might be able to get to the bigger stuff. I don’t think you’ll ever feel bad after doing any of them, and getting just a few things done tends to propel you just based off of action - an object in motion stays in motion.

Resist the temptation to sleep in. When you’re unemployed for long stretches of time, it’s so, so tempting to let yourself sleep until noon, but you have to fight that urge. Please trust me on this. When you do finally land a job, early hours won’t be as much of a shock.

Networking will not necessarily save you. I had people working in my favor inside many different companies and it came to nothing. The job that I landed (and love) was a hire where I had no referral or contact. People like to hype up networking as the key to success, and I’m sure it is - once you’re in the industry. Networking works for some people, but I don’t believe it should be your focus or concentration. (This of course varies by what your career path is.) It’s all about volume: apply, apply, apply, apply. And then apply again.

Most of the time, you’re not going to hear back from an employer after you apply. That’s how it is now.

Don’t be ashamed to file for unemployment. These resources are there for a reason. You might as well take the opportunities (the few that are left) that the government has to offer. If you are actively trying to look for a job but cannot get one, there is no shame in asking for help from the people you pay taxes to and who in return provide services for people in need. The social contract goes both ways.

Be prepared for group interviews. These are happening more and more now. 75% of my interviews were with 2 or more people. Don’t let it put you off. In some ways, it’s easier to have a conversation when there are more voices in the room, and they are usually there to gauge chemistry more than they are to grill you (in my experience). And while I’m on the subject of interviews: cliche questions still occur, but many questions related to my experience and real-life scenarios on the job or in life. They want examples - times you stepped up, times where you might have failed but bounced back, times you showed leadership. Have stories ready. Yes, sometimes I’d get an occasional “What’s your favorite hobby?” or “What are your strengths and weaknesses?” and you should have answers ready for those. But lately the trend is about showing them you are a good fit for the job, rather than summing yourself up in three words.

It’s really hard to get a government job. They take forever to get back to you. They typically hire internally. It sucks. USAJOBS is a pain. You should know this ahead of time.

There will be bad days. There will be bad weeks. There might be bad months. Keep applying.

You will be tested. Quite literally. For almost every job that I got a response from, I was required to take further action, and sometimes in multiple phases, before an interview was even set up. Companies are being really choosy right now because they know they can. It’s disheartening, but it’s best if you are rid of the illusion that you stop taking tests after college. I had to take actual exams, write multiple-page projects, do short quizzes, come up with proposal ideas, and fill out interview questions all before I spoke to someone. It’s frustrating but also the reality that I faced.

Sometimes you have to play the game. You should get a LinkedIn account and monitor your social media. Employers do want to see an online presence of some kind. LinkedIn is a “respectable” way of doing it, and keeping your social accounts relatively clean is the best way to go. (Coded language for “hide your tumblr”? Perhaps.)

A lot of the time, rejection really isn’t that personal. There are so many other factors at play. It’s almost impossible to believe that, and a part of me still feels that it is personal, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever think otherwise, but I know logically that isn’t true. I have heard from hiring managers and HR people that job listings have to be posted even if the vacancy is planned from the start to be filled internally. This. Happens. Too. Often. To. Count. Also, the job market is FLOODED. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s rough. It really is. The competition is fierce. It isn’t necessarily about you. But it still stings.

Try not to beat yourself up if there are days where you don’t apply for jobs. No one is perfect. You can have a break. Binge watch Orphan Black but come back to your search. Don’t follow the rabbit too far.

Don’t follow a resume template. This is a tough one and hard to really delve into in this setting, as it is so unique to every person. It takes work and oftentimes a guiding hand to get a great resume. I’ve had multiple hiring managers and a career counselor tell me that when they see a cover letter that looks different from the rest, they are immediately interested. Use segments, boxes, and graphics rather than a linear, wordy timeline of your employment and education history. You’re more likely to get interviews if you use a narrative rather than bullet points and facts. Describe your experience and accomplishments in concise, substantive language (no filler!), and highlight your technological and practical skill set in a section all its own. (Computer programs/coding, web design, media production, and writing/communication are all good things to emphasize if they apply to you.)

Use your college resources: your professors. I got a freelance research project from a professor I had a deep connection with, and used others as a support system during hard times. Some places have good Career Centers (mine didn’t), and others have alumni or honor society job networks. I personally don’t have any experience with those so I don’t know how effective they are, but I can attest that bonding and having communication with various professors in your field is psychologically and sometimes monetarily rewarding, and might help more than you think in the short and long term. There’s more incentive than a good grade when it comes to befriending your teacher.

Don’t stay in the house for longer than three days at a time. It’s obviously not a hard and fast rule, but things got really tough for me after that length of time without either being in the light or being around people. It might be really hard, but try to get out at least every few days in some capacity. Long-term unemployment is rife with apathy and entropy, and succumbing is not difficult in that environment. If you can, get out.

My best experiences came from Craigslist. Real, legitimate corporations advertise there, and I got many interviews from respectable places via Craigslist. I highly recommend it. I ended up getting my current job, however, through its website (I work at a theatre). I also got some responses that way, too: going to the websites of individual places you want to work and browsing their Employment section. Also, consider freelancing, package delivery, tutoring, substitute teaching, and other part-time gigs while you look for something permanent and full-time.

In between applying for jobs (which itself should be your full-time job), read that long book series you’ve been wanting to get to forever. Start - and finish - that cleaning project you’ve been putting off for years. Go through your home and donate anything you don’t need to Goodwill or local homeless/battered women shelters. Write that poem or novel that’s been in your head for a decade. Go for the 7-minute mile. If there’s something that’s been on your mind, now is the time to do it. Create. Organize. Contribute.

[ Also if you got this far, thank you for reading!! ]

#my life

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pogueman · 8 years ago

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David Pogue on iPhone VoiceOver

A few years ago, backstage at a conference, I spotted a blind woman using her phone. The phone was speaking everything her finger touched on the screen, allowing her to tear through her apps. My jaw hit the floor. After years of practice, she had cranked the voice’s speed so high, I couldn’t understand a word it was saying.

And here’s the kicker: She could do all of this with the screen turned off. Her phone’s battery lasted forever.

Ever since that day, I’ve been like a kid at a magic show. I’ve wanted to know how it’s done. I’ve wanted an inside look at how the blind could navigate a phone that’s basically a slab of featureless glass.

This week, I got my chance. Joseph Danowsky offered to spend a morning with me, showing me the ropes.

Joe majored in economics at the University of Pennsylvania, got a law degree at Harvard, worked in the legal department at Bear Stearns, became head of solutions at Barclays Wealth, and is now a private-client banker at US Trust. He commutes to his office in Manhattan every morning from his home in New Jersey.

Joe was born with cone-rod dystrophy. He can see general shapes and colors, but no detail. (Only about 10 or 15 percent of visually impaired people see no light or color at all.) He can’t read a computer screen or printed materials, recognize faces, read street signs or building numbers, or drive. And he certainly can’t see what’s on his phone.

Yet Joe spends his entire day on his iPhone. In fact, he calls it “probably the number one assistive device for people who can’t see,” right up there with “a cane and a seeing eye dog.”

The key to all of this is an iPhone (AAPL) feature called VoiceOver. At its heart, it’s a screen reader—software that makes the phone speak everything you touch. (Android’s TalkBack feature is similar in concept, but blind users find it far less complete; for example, it doesn’t work in all apps.)

You turn on VoiceOver in Settings -> General -> Accessibility. If you turn on VoiceOver, you hear a female voice begin reading the names of the controls she sees on the screen. You can adjust the Speaking Rate of the synthesized voice.

There’s a lot to learn in VoiceOver mode; people like Joe have its various gestures committed to muscle memory, so that they can operate with incredible speed and confidence.

But the short version is that you touch anything on the screen—icons, words, even status icons at the top; as you go, the voice tells you what you’re tapping. “Messages.” “Calendar.” “Mail—14 new items.” “45 percent battery power.” You can tap the dots on the Home screen, and you’ll hear, “Page 3 of 9.”

You don’t even have to lift your finger; you can just slide it around, getting the lay of the land.

Once you’ve tapped a screen element, you can also flick your finger left or right—anywhere on the screen—to “walk” through everything on the screen, left to right, top to bottom.

Ordinarily, you tap something on the screen to open it. But since single-tapping now means “speak this,” you need a new way to open everything. So: To open something you’ve just heard identified, you double tap. (You don’t have to wait for the voice to finish talking.) In fact, you can double-tap anywhere on the screen; since the phone already knows what’s currently “highlighted,” it’s like pressing the Enter key.

There are all kinds of other special gestures in VoiceOver. You can make the voice stop speaking with a two-finger tap; read everything, in sequence, from the top of the screen with a two-finger upward flick; scroll one page at a time with a three-finger flick up or down; go to the next or previous screen (Home, Stocks, and so on) with a three-finger flick left or right; and more.

If you do a three-finger triple-tap, you turn on Screen Curtain, meaning that the screen goes black. You gain visual privacy as well as a heck of a battery boost. (Repeat to turn the screen back on.)

Joe, however, doesn’t see that battery boost, since he’s on the phone all day long. In fact, he’s equipped his phone with one of those backup-battery cases.

The Rotor

Joe also demonstrated for me the Rotor: a brilliant solution to a thorny problem. There are dozens of settings to control in a screen reader like VoiceOver: voice, gender, language, volume, speaking speed, verbosity, and so on. How do you make all of these options available in a concise form that you can call up from within any app—especially for people who can’t see controls on the screen?

The Rotor is an imaginary dial. It appears when you twist two fingers on the screen as if you were turning an actual dial.

Each “notch” around the dial represents a different setting you might want to change: Characters, Words, Speech Rate, Volume, Punctuation, Zoom, and so on.

The Rotor: Quick access to common voice and reader settings in any app.

“Let’s say we want VoiceOver to read word by word, because there’s something there that we want to hear spelled. We bring up the Rotor,” Joe told me. “It’s a deep menu system. And I can choose what I’m putting there, and the order. There are 20 or 30 items that could go on the Rotor.”

Once you’ve dialed up a setting, you can get VoiceOver to move from one item to another by flicking a finger up or down. For example, if you’ve chosen Volume from the Rotor, then you make the playback volume louder or quieter with each flick up or down. If you’ve chosen Zoom, then each flick adjusts the screen magnification.

The Rotor is especially important if you’re reading on the web. It lets you jump among web page elements like pictures, headings, links, text boxes, and so on. Use the Rotor to choose, for example, images—then you can flick up and down from one picture to the next on that page.

A day in the life

Joe walked me through a typical day, starting with a check of the weather and the train schedule, followed by a scan of his To Do list and email Inbox; on the train, he might read the news or listen to a podcast, audiobook, or music.

Through the workday, he has a few other tricks:

“There’s another gesture, called scrubbing. You take two fingers, and you kind of Z-line it. It means, ‘Go Back.’

“Getting a cab is very hard for me to do. I’ll be standing on the street corner, and people look at me and say, ‘What is this guy doing?’ They don’t see that I’m visually impaired, that I can’t see if somebody’s inside the cab! But now, I call a Lyft car or an Uber car, and it’s saying, ‘The car is 2 minutes away’; I just call him. I’m gonna say to the driver, ‘I’m on this corner, I’ve got a blue shirt on, I’ve got a briefcase. I can’t recognize you, so just yell out to me when you get there.’”

“It’s also kinda cool to be able to project my photos to a huge TV screen. There’s a lot I can see if I get in really close to the screen.”

If he needs to read a printed document, Joe uses called Kurzweil’s KNFB Reader app. As I watched, he used it to photograph a printed letter; instantly, the app converted the image to text and began reading it aloud, with astonishing accuracy.

This was very cool: “If I’m in my office and put my headphones on, I’m hearing the phone call and I’m hearing what VoiceOver is saying, all through the headphones. But the person on the other end cannot hear any of the VoiceOver stuff. You don’t know what I’m reading, what I’m doing. I can do all these complicated things without you hearing it. That’s what’s really incredible. If you and I were working together on a three-way call, and you were to text me, ‘Let’s wrap this up’ or ‘Don’t bring that up on this call’—I would know, but the other guy wouldn’t hear it.

Joe showed me how he takes photos. As he holds up the iPhone, VoiceOver tells him what he’s seeing: “One face. Centered. Focus lock,” and so on. Later, as he’s reviewing his photos in the Camera Roll, VoiceOver once again tells him what he’s looking at: “One face; slightly blurry.”

“If a cab or an Uber lets me off somewhere, and I’m not sure which way is uptown, I open the Compass app. Since NYC is a nice grid, it lets me know which way I’m walking.”

“Or I might just say to Siri, ‘Where am I?’ She tells me exactly where I am.”

Joe uses a lot of text macros. He’s set one up that says, for example, “Where are you?” when he types.

He knows the positions of all his apps’ icons—but often, he’ll just say to Siri, “Open Calendar” (or whatever).

The big picture

I asked Joe if there’s anything he’d ask Apple to improve in VoiceOver.

“The biggest problem with the iPhone is when you use it a lot, you need a bigger battery. I’m using it all the time. If the phone were just a little thicker, to accommodate a double battery, that’d be a nice thing. I’m also a little disappointed they did away with the standard headphone jack, because when you use it a lot, you need to charge it all the time [and the new earbuds plug into the Lightning charging jack].”

I pointed out that none of his complaints about the iPhone have anything to do with accessibility. They’re the same complaints we all have.

“I know,” he said, laughing. “VoiceOver is very consistent and it’s extremely good. There’s no problem with VoiceOver.”

(The Associated Services for the Blind and Visually Impaired would undoubtedly agree; in January, it gave Apple its Louis Braille Award.)

And how about society? What don’t we understand? What drives him crazy? “Stop grabbing my arm when I’m crossing the street,” or “Stop talking louder to me”?

“I have to tell you, there aren’t that many anymore, surprisingly,” he replied. “As more visually impaired people enter the workforce, there aren’t too many things, honestly.”

There’s an age gap in awareness of these accessibility features, too. “What I find is, people who are older, in their 70s, who have macular degeneration and could benefit from this, don’t,” Joe says. “I don’t know why. To me, it’s so intuitive and fast and easy.”

Well, here’s the bright side: Maybe Joe’s story will help get the word out.

David Pogue, tech columnist for Yahoo Finance, welcomes non-toxic comments in the Comments below. On the web, he’s davidpogue.com. On Twitter, he’s @pogue. On email, he’s [email protected]. You can read all his articles here or you can sign up to get his columns by email.

#_lmsid:a077000000BAh3wAAD #_uuid:8e8af7cf-4e8d-3c59-b92a-e2ec2c509fea #_revsp:yahoofinance.com #$AAPL #_author:David Pogue

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statusquoergo · 8 years ago

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Here's the thing, I've got a silly prompt, but I kinda feel like you prefer more serious ones? But I'm still going to deliver it so that you can do something about it (or not) with your talent. So I pictured Mike and Harvey working together in season 7, and Mike is stuck with Ed Sheeran song "Shape Of You" for ages. And Harvey can take it anymore. It becomes a thing for Mike, to drive Harvey nuts with the song. Until somehow they got in very embarrasing situation because of that. Feels happen.

Read on AO3

How do you spell “extortion,” anyway? E-x-t-o-r-t?E-x-t-o-r-s? It’s basic knowledge, grade-school stuff, and Harvey definitelyknew when he started reading this fucking document, but seven eight nine hoursstaring at the same sentences over and over and over have that sort of warpingeffect, especially at—Harvey glances at the clock—one AM, holy shit, when didthat happen?

Once more. He’ll read it through once more, top tobottom, and head out for the night.

Mike taps his pen rhythmically against his thigh; one two, three one two, three one two, three,and that’s gotta be a song stuck in his head but Harvey doesn’t know which one.

“This guy’s jerking us around,” Mike mutters, and Harveygrits his teeth.

“No kidding,” he says, narrowing his eyes, “but we’dbetter figure out how before we ask him or we’ll never get the truth.”

Yeah. Yeah, that.

Mike will get it, it’s fine.

He’s about halfway through the file when Mike startstapping the pen again, and he doesn’t seem to notice when he starts humming,too; Harvey recognizes the song now, even if he can’t place the name.

This is going nowhere fast.

“Go home,” he says, closing the file and shoving it intoa file underneath his desk. “Hopefully one of us has an epiphany on the way intomorrow morning.”

Mike looks up at him blearily, arching his back andstretching his arms out in front of him.

“You got it, boss,” he teases, gathering his papers and justbarely keeping from knocking into Harvey’s coffee table as he stumbles towardthe door. He starts humming again as soon as he clears the obstacle course, andHarvey presses his eyes into his palms.

“And stop your goddamn humming.”

Mike tosses a two-fingered salute on his way out.

—

Sauntering in the front door at nine forty-five, Harveytakes a second to appreciate such freedoms afforded to name partners before heheads for Mike’s office. Poor kid’s probably been in for an hour already, hourand a half if he had trouble sleeping last night.

Knocking on the door, Harvey doesn’t wait for an answerbefore he opens it—but he really should have, because Mike isn’t just hummingto himself anymore; he’s graduated to quiet singing, and Harvey can’t make outthe words but he sees his lips moving and catches the musical tone.

“What’ve you got for me?” he asks loudly, finallycatching Mike’s attention as he looks up with a jerk of his neck and slightlywidened eyes.

“Ideas,” he replies promptly, “and…more ideas.”

Harvey sits across from him and raises his handsqueryingly, and Mike sighs through his teeth.

“There’s something rotten in this blackmail angle,” he complains,“but I cannot figure out what it is.”

“Maybe if you tried singing about it,” Harvey tauntsbefore he thinks better of it, and Mike smirks.

“Not without my backup dancers.”

Grinning, Harvey stands and knocks his knuckles againstMike’s desk.

“Let me know when you have your next brilliant flash ofinsight,” he says. “In the meantime, I’ll put Vanessa on it.”

Mike drops his head into his hands. “I’ve gotta get meone of those.”

“Alright, Commissioner.”

—

By three that afternoon, Mike has cobbled together enoughof a theory to start making probing phone calls, and from what little Vanessahas found so far, their conclusions seem to be lining up; when Harvey returnsto his office after a late lunch, Mike has left a stack of papers clippedtogether on top of his laptop with a blue highlighter placed carefully on thedesk beside.

The first page is a concise summary with page references(good boy), informing him that the best information will be on the fifth page,and sure enough, when Harvey flips to it, there’s a Post-It stuck to the topmargin.

“Who pays blackmail through a hospital fund?” Mike’srushed scrawl reads, which is certainly a point worth considering. Then,underneath, a little neater: “The club isn’t the best place to find a lover, sothe bar is where I go; me and my friends at the table doing shots, drinkingfast and then we talk slow.”

The tune begins ringing in his head immediately andHarvey rips the lower half off the Post-It, crumpling it in his fist andtossing it in the garbage.

That little fucker.

Of all things, why did it have to be a love song?

—

“Put Van the Man on the jukebox,” Mike declaresnonsensically, slapping a printout that looks like an email chain down onHarvey’s desk.

“Most people knock,” Harvey drawls, hoping Mike can’ttell that that damn song is suddenly stuck in his head for the third time today.“What’s this?”

“A conversation beginning exactly eleven months ago nextweek between our client Mister Jim Stone and the man he claims to beblackmailing him,” Mike stabs the paper, his eyes lighting up, “initiated by—”

“Stone,” Harvey interrupts, taking the paper and skimmingthe text. “Where’d you get this?”

“My new girl Penelope,” Mike says with a grin. “AnywayI’d say this is pretty damning evidence that the blackmail claim is bullshit.”

“And it only took a week to drag this up,” Harvey says.Leaning back in his chair, he purses his lips and raises his eyebrows. “Sowho’s Penelope? Someone special I should be getting to know?”

“Oh, don’t be jealous, Harvey,” Mike sing-songs, “youknow your love was handmade for somebody like me.”

“Get the fuck out of here,” Harvey chuckles, and Mikewalks backwards out of the office with a little swing in his hips.

Harvey pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. This isstarting to get out of hand.

—

Two days later, Mike and Harvey lurk in the hall as theylet Jim Stone and some assistant of his wait in Conference Room C, uncertain asto exactly why they’ve been called in and hopefully getting nervous. Flippingthrough an unrelated file, Mike tries to look busy in case Stone is watchingthem.

“You wanna be the good cop or the bad cop?” Mike asks,and Harvey scoffs.

“You really asking me that?”

Mike closes the file and bites down on a smirk. “We pushand pull like a magnet do,” he croons; Harvey smacks his shoulder and Mikelaughs.

“Come on, follow my lead.”

God help him, Harvey does, walking half a pace behindMike as they confront Mister Stone.

“Harvey,” Jim says, standing with a cocksure smile. “Iassume I’m here because you have good news?”

“If that’s what you want to call it,” Harvey returnsskeptically, brandishing a printout of the email chain. “How about you start bybeing up front with us about this?”

Harvey watches Jim rush to invent a plausible excuse ashe puffs up his chest and darts a gaze to his assistant; he hasn’t had to lie likethis in awhile, it seems.

Mike begins to hum.

Oh, no you don’t.

“He first contacted me by phone,” Jim says eventually,obviously under the impression that he’s coming across as some kind of smoothcustomer, and Mike stops humming as he rolls his eyes and the assistantscribbles something on a notepad.

“‘Mister Tennon,’” Mike recites, “‘my name is Jim Stone,and I believe I have a proposal which would be of mutual benefit to us if youwould be willing to further discuss the matter at a later date.’ Sounds like anintroduction to me, wouldn’t you say, Harvey?”

“I would,” Harvey agrees, “and frankly Jim, I don’t givea damn what you’re trying to cover up here unless it’s going to come around andbite me in the ass while I’m trying to mount your defense, so how about youstop bullshitting us and explain yourself?”

Stone fumbles for another few seconds before falling backinto his seat, averting his gaze and doing his best to keep from gaping like afish; Harvey cross his arms over his chest and Mike puts his hands on his hips.

Then…wait a second.

For crying out loud, does he even know he’s doing itanymore, or has it become just some awful habit?

Stone starts digging around in his briefcase, as thoughsomething in there will explain his poor planning and general stupidity, whenHarvey hears it clearly:

“I’m in love with your body,” Mike mumbles rhythmically.

Stone pulls out a stack of papers and keeps digging ashis assistant wrings his hands uselessly.

“Every day discovering something brand new…”

Harvey grits his teeth.

“I’m in love with the shape—”

“Alright, that’s it.”

Harvey grabs Mike’s elbow and hauls him stumbling out thedoor into the hall; Stone looks up in surprise and his assistant’s head snapsaround as the door swings shut behind them and Harvey doesn’t often wish theglass walls of this office were made of something a little more opaque, but he sureis wishing that now.

“What the hell are you doing?” he hisses the moment heand Mike are out of view of their client; a couple of stray associates wisely scuttleaway, keeping their heads down, and Mike looks genuinely baffled, raising hishands and shaking his head.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Mike says. Harveyisn’t sure whether to believe him or not.

“That song,” he snaps, “you’ve been—humming it andsinging it and drumming it for a weekand a half!”

“It’s stuck in my head,” Mike mutters.

“That song,” Harvey says dryly. “That song in particularhas been stuck in your head for over aweek.”

Mike shrugs. “I guess? Why, you got something against EdSheeran?”

“Do I— No, Mike, I have something against you singing a love song at me for ten days straight!”

Mike looks down shamefacedly, then back up with his eyesnarrowed. “Wait, why?”

Harvey doesn’t really have an answer to that; or, hedoes, handily, but he’s not about to tell Mike what it is.

“Because it’s very unprofessional,” he declares, which itactually kind of is. “And I know he sure doesn’t look it, but Stone is worth alot of money that I don’t want to see flushed down the drain when he fires us becauseyou can’t get your earworm under control!”

It’s true; Stone’s suit isn’t even made to measure, muchless bespoke. The man clearly has no idea how to handle his fortune. Probably inherited.

But Mike has that look in his eye like he’s uncovered afact buried about a hundred meters underground that someone went to a greatdeal of trouble to hide from him (because Harvey did), and he’s not about tolet it go (just as Harvey taught him).

“But you would’ve been fine with ‘Castle on the Hill.’”

“That’s not the point.”

“That’s exactly the point,” Mike argues. “You said youdon’t like me singing a love song, at you, for ten days, and I’m asking you why,because I have an idea and I’d like to know if we’re on the same page with it.”

Shit.

Wait.

Harvey frowns. “What do you mean, ‘same page’?”

Shoving his hand into his hair, Mike looks away and sighssharply.

“Before I say what I’m going to say, I’d like to remindyou that it would be a huge pain in the ass at this point for you to hiresomeone to replace me and the number of people with eidetic memories is vanishinglysmall so you’re basically guaranteed to never find anyone else who’s goodenough to pass the Bar without going to law school and I’ve got enough dirt onyou and Specter Litt to bury this firm if I really want to but.” He pauses abruptly and Harvey takes a moment to be impressedthat he got that all out in one breath before Mike meets his eyes challengingly.

“I’m getting kind of sick of pretending I’m not super into you.”

Of all the ways this situation could have played out,this is definitely one of the weirdest. Best? Weirdest. But also sort ofawesome.

But very weird.

Harvey clears his throat imperiously and tries to find somestable footing.

“Are you threatening me?”

Mike puts his hands in his pockets and looks upthoughtfully, clenching his teeth; he was confident enough to say what he did,but he’s not completely confident that he’s right about it. Well, he’s a guywho goes after what he wants, that’s for sure; that consequences-be-damnedattitude has gotten him in trouble in the past, but he’s still willing to puthimself out there when it counts.

“I think,” Mike speculates, “that it was more like…blackmail?”

Harvey smirks. “Are you sure about that, because I didn’thear any quid pro quo demands.”

He sees the moment Mike realizes that he hasn’t beenchastised, or demoted, and his cocky grin mimics Harvey’s almost exactly.

“Either you invite me out to dinner in a clearly defineddate-like capacity, or you wait for me to ask you first.”

“You son of a bitch.”

Nodding his agreement, Mike magnanimously offers hishand. “So, Mister Specter, we agree?”

Harvey takes his hand and shakes it firmly. “I’ll pickyou up at eight.”

They hold each other’s grips for a period definitelylonger than necessary, and Mike grins.

“I’ll be waiting.”

Harvey watches fondly as Mike strides back into theconference room and opens a folder full of spreadsheets to shove in theirclient’s face.

The kid sure knows how to handle a tough situation; thisis going to be fun.

There’s just one more question Harvey has to ask himself beforetonight:

The button-front or the Henley?

Chapter Two

—

“I’ve gotta get me one of those.” —Commissioner James Gordon (GaryOldman), Batman Begins (2005)

“Castle on the Hill” is the other lead single fromSheeran’s studio album ÷ (2017).

Just to clarify, Penelope isn’t Mike’s girlfriend, she’s his C.I. (his Vanessa).

#marvey #fanfiction #prompt #Anonymous #oh god i'm so sorry #fluff is not my forte #i can't tell if it's any good #i hope you like it!#but i really am sorry #anyway #one more to go!

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garbageivereleasedintothevoid · 5 years ago

Text

10-21-19 (Monday)

Had a seizure upon arriving home today. So that was fun.

Also I want to apologize and clarify my behavior.

I am sorry for getting so upset with you. It isn't your fault. But I do feel kinda trapped rn. You're not a bad person or therapist. Your personality isn't... Bad. You are who you are and theres a no changng that. But yeah, sometimes you grate on my nerves. But there really isn't a better option out there for me. I do feel like I've made far more progress with you than any other therapist but I want you to understand that my ability to talk about my gender openly and have it maybe not personally understood but conceptually at least... I've never had that in a therapist and it was pretty well game changing.

So thank you. For putting in the work to understand. It means the world to me both to me personally and for my community. That's something we desperately need. Therapists typically don't understand these things. And yeah, it makes it REALLY hard to deep dive gender related trauma when you have to explain the concept of pronouns to someone several times. So I think a lot of my progress has come from that. And it means a lot to me. But I'm not sure there really is a good solution to this problem. If you can think of one, please by all means suggest it. Maybe write it down and let me think it over between sessions? Because rn I am struggling to maintain composure in some fairly straightforward situations. I have a lot of rage built up and a BUNCH of frustration. I'm still reeling from the loss of Sara from my life and I'm honestly really bitter rn. You are far from the first person I've snapped at but I am desperately trying to keep it under control. Because it's not anyone's fault and no one can change it and I get that. So I just feel worse when I realize what I'm doing. Idk.

This isn't an easy situation to be in and I'm sorry you've gotten caught in the middle of it through no fault of your own just for doing the right thing and learning things for your patients. I do want you to understand how much I appreciate that. It means a lot to me. And I don't want to chase you off from learning more. I just am very very frustrated because there's probably a therapist out there that I'd actually vibe super well with and everything but they won't fucking learn their shit and I won't benefit from it otherwise. Many therapists who have been in the field for a while feel like they know everything. And that's Gabel's biggest issue. She thinks she knows damned everything about trans people but still subscribes to "You have to want surgery, HRT, binary pronouns and designations, and everything must be binary no matter what." As a treatment method. And that's not helpful. That's in fact very very harmful to the vast majority of trans people out there ans hearing a young trans person break down and SOB because Gabel told them they weren't trans because they're nonbinary is heart wrenching and it will literally make you hate her. I didn't hate her for saying it to me. I hated her for saying it to others who cried over it. I hated her for being the trash that tries to strictly control access to our community's most vital methods of dysphoria reduction.

I really do want you to understand that you aren't doing anything really wrong with me. You're doing the best with what you've got. The situation is just kinda fucked. There's a whole lot I need to sift through and I'm not fully convinced that any singular therapist can help me with it all. But rn... My options aren't very expansive and I'd rather not go searching when I could be making small amounts of progress. And yeah I do feel like the progress is still THERE. It's definitely happening more slowly but it's there. Idk what there really is to do in order to speed it up or if there even is anything. Maybe I need a break? I don't know. My brain seems to want to do more fun stuff than productive stuff rn. And like idk. It's weird for me. I never really got into the habit of doing productive stuff. For a good long while there was no action I could take that could truly be productive beyond basic survival. And I was never taught a good many skills most people learn young. I was very VERY fortunate my granny taught me to cook. She taught me the basics and how to eyeball measurements and all that and luckily cooking was something I started to enjoy. Especially making weird stuff. I made this chicken dish several times as a teenager. Basically came of a misunderstanding over the phone between me and my granny. I ended up using a seasoning mix my mom used called "Nature's Seasons." And putting that into some flour, and like putting a fuck ton I mean of that seasoning, and putting some water in it until it was the consistency of runnyish pancake batter. Like, will pour but not super quickly and some will be left behind to scrape out but ultimately you won't have to scrape out the majority. Cut potatoes into irregular fry shapes (like triangles and cubes and thin slices all at once.),put them in a greased pan to about 1/2 - 3/4 of the way up, parted them and put two to three seasoned chicken thighs (bone in) nested into the potatoes and poured the flour, water, sesoning mixture over it and let it bake for about an hour or two (I can't remember how long it took but it was a full pan of raw food so it took a long ass time) at like 375 - 400 degrees and then after I was certain everything was fully cooked through, I would turn it onto broil at 450 and let it set in there for 10 minutes and it'd get nice and crispy and it was FUCKING GOOD. Also forgot to mention to season the potatoes because it tastes way better if you do.

I figured it out. The first time I was intially trying to make something else but when it became clear it wouldn't work, I switched it to something else and it worked and it became really good. I made that like twice a month or more and ate on it for a few days. My parents actually started asking what I was making because it smelled good and they were like "Why has the oven been on for like 11 years?" Which, yeah, fair question. And I let them try it and my granny and they all liked it. It doesn't LOOK appetizing at first. It actually looks gross af. But it's goooooodddd. That last ten minutes makes it look way better though. Crisps it up. Especially the chicken skin.

Idk why I just got onto a tangent about cooking but I said what I said.

I really... I do want to make sure I make it clear though that... I don't really blame you for any of this and actually appreciate what you've done. Just sometimes I feel trapped (and this has happened before) because no one seems to know what the fuck they/them pronouns are. And hell, you still fuck that up sometimes but I can see the effort. The effort is what matters to me. Btw that's not a value judgement. Sara fucked it up sometimes too. Until the very last appointment. But she kept trying. And so did you. That's like the one thing you have in common with her, lol. But yeah, that's something people are gonna fuck up but I can't babysit a therapist and correct them every time they use pronouns for me because magically in the span of five minutes they've forgotten that my pronouns are they/them. There's a difference between you or Sara accidentally using a binary pronoun set for me or someone else who uses they/them like once every few times we see each other. But when it happens mutliple times in every session? That's pretty blatant. They're not trying. And at that point, I cannot trust them. If they cannot self-regulate their use of pronouns, how tf can I trust that they're keeping aware of any other aspect of my recovery? And that's something I do think you struggle with sometimes. There are many layers to me and remembering more than like three of them can be pretty daunting. But I do believe you're giving it your best go. And I'm not just giving you BS credit here. Sara forgot things a lot too. She eventually just said "Please just tell me because my brain isn't cooperating." And she wouldn't apologize. Because she'd done nothing wrong. She would just calmly and patiently direct me on what she needed from me in order to move forward. I don't expect you to remember everything. But please ask directly if you have even the slightest doubt. And yes, often that will frustrate me. But you know why I didn't get like that with Sara? She made it very clear in a very concise way that she just couldn't remember. I don't expect you to just be Sara. That will never happen. But I think there are some skills she's learned that could be useful to you. Just ask. I don't need to know that you're sorry. I know you are without you telling me.

Sara and I came to that understanding fairly early but I think it's because we had this weird mind meld ability to read each other. Like absolutely a fuckin trip because she'd call me out and I'd be like "Damn you're good. Holy shit." And then I'd interpret something in my head and then it'd get brought up in verbal communication and she'd just look at me and be like "How did you know that?" And I explained my reasoning and she would look impressed for a split second before turning away and looking at her computer for a moment and (probably questioning all her skills at hiding her emotions she's ever learned in her life) and do something for a moment. She really met her match with me lol. We're both tough nuts to crack lol. But we cracked each other wide open. And wow the more I say this the more it sounds like sex puns oh god no. Anyway. We can read each other really well, I think partly because we have similar ways of thinking about things. And idk. That helps a LOT.

She did her part though. She got me motivated and mommed me into doing rhings like cleaning. Told me she was proud of me whenever I did something I needed to. Okay, not every time. But it was nice to know that someone was proud of my progress. That there was someone looking at me fumble through life and thinking "God, look at them. They're like a baby but I know why it's like that and I am so proud of them for learning now. Look at them go." and she eventually got me semi-stable and that's when some of the trauma started to come into play and she knew that wasn't something she was equipper to help me with. So she sent me over to you. And that was a wise decision on her part. And I think you've helped me a lot. I'm just... Not sure what my options are moving forward. idk. I'll write more later.

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