#I can't say I have any deeper thoughts about the topic because my brain is made of poison

[sharkrocket]

most people see our beloved hunk of a man comparable to an auroch Artemy Isidorovich Burakh™ as gay as all hell (i agree) but what do you think about bi artemy. emshen-walk-the-steppe with a gf and a bf. i like to think about that sometimes.

VALID AS HELL

Man needs to learn how to love? Man learns how to love twice as fast (that's definitely how it works right?)

But nah, but he's shown he feels a certain way about some people, so I can believe it's canon to a certain extent... If this man wants to walk the steppe with a gf and bf, I can definitely see that happening

[masquerade-of-misery]

Just some mental health rambling, because I need to let this out somewhere.

If you are sensitive to topics like depression and self-loathing, feel free to keep scrolling.

In the past pair of weeks I've been spiralling deeper into depression again.

A lot has been happening in my life which affect me badly. I feel trapped, hopeless, disappointed, miserable. About life, about myself, about people.

It feels like whenever something remotely good happens, I can start worrying when that good thing will end, when it will turn bad, or what kind of "punishment" life will give me for having a moment of peace and joy.

I've been keeping so much to myself. Even with my family, whom I'm the closest with, can't share certain things, because they just simply wouldn't understand. I have only one person "in real life" that shares my love for Twst and who I can really talk to about everything. We live together, and she's an immigrant living in my country. Every 5 years, the terror overwhelms us when it's time to reapply for her residence permit. We live in constant fear of losing each other, of her application getting rejected. We are each other's life support and have known each other for 10 years now. If that gets taken away... I don't even want to think about it.

My parents and brother always tell me I can share everything with them, and they are here for me no matter what. And I know that, but... I also know that they would never understand my love for Twst and my deep love for Lilia. They would just suggest I see a damn therapist.

They would like to see me in a happy romantic relationship, but I have lost all my interest in meeting people honestly. I have never been lucky with men, and don't think I ever will be. I've been betrayed and ghosted by friends countless times, so I'm tired of trying to form friendships as well.

Also, I have huge self-esteem issues. I hate everything about myself. Every part of my body, my voice, my clumsiness, my social awkwardness, my struggles with verbal communication, my stupid blushing for no reason... I hate it all. I see my reflection in the mirror and have to tear my eyes away from it, because I despise the person looking back at me.

Last weekend, I had to realize just how different my brother and I have become, too. We've always had a strong bond, we were like the "prepare for trouble and make it double" duo. We argued and fought a lot as kids and teens, but we always have been a strong unit. But last Saturday, it became clear that basically I cannot say anything he considers "negative", "hateful", or "complaining", because he will turn it into a goddamn lecture. And the way he tells you his opinion is so condescending as fuck and makes you feel like you are a stupid kid who knows no better and needs to be taught. Even if his intentions are good, he still comes across as... arrogant? Mocking? And then when I said something nice about someone, it basically made me a hypocrite? So, no matter if I cuss at a stranger under my breath or make a kind comment about them, it's a problem??

I don't even know what topics to talk about with him, because our views on life and people have become so vastly different. His heart would also shatter if he found out I don't want to become an aunt and deal with kids, even if they are related to me by blood.

So, I just shut the fuck up from now on and keep most of my thoughts to myself. Even here, on my own damn blog, I'm not sure if I'll find any understanding. People are so damn sensitive nowadays, you cannot express any "negative" thoughts, can't get angry or sad, because then you become "toxic" and "hateful".

And then everyone is surprised why there are so many depressed, lonely, miserable people who don't want to or cannot open up. Or worse, they reach the point where they off themselves.

I'm tired. I'm just so exhausted. Even sleep can't bring me full peace, because my brain just plagues me with disturbing, disgusting, or simply depressing or nonsensical dreams.

I can't see the man I love even in my dreams. I can't hug him, kiss him, laugh with him...

I don't see the point in anything anymore. I just want to disappear.

[skaldish]

hey, I recently had to interact with an evangelical family member on thanksgiving (as in, I calmly listened and explained "my views and values differ from yours, but I appreciate you sharing your world view with me" while I was aggressively proselytized at for well over an hour; even by evangelical standards, this family member is aggressive about pushing his beliefs onto others).

I was raised atheist and don't usually have an issue with this; I don't believe in hell or divine punishment, but things he said keep popping into my head (like being called "the definition of being lost" for saying im agnostic— which is a half truth but he wouldn't be receptive to a full explanation). I'm tacking this down to a combination of evangelical thought poison and my anxiety disorder related habit of ruminating (which thankfully I'm working with a therapist on now).

I know you're passionate about the subject of cult thought and the likes and just wanted to know if you had any advice or thoughts re: getting cult thinking that doesn't align with your views or values to kindly edit your headspace.

hope you're well 💚

Apologetics. It's something every Evangelical learns, and it's a form of mind-control. They engage nonbelievers in religious debate and use it to covertly indoctrinate them.

Evangelicals spend years learning how to counter every argument, direct conversations towards specific points, compromise our mental reasoning through various means, and inject their logic into the vulnerable mind, which then festers on its own.

Apologetics is a masterstroke of manipulation, and one of the very few things I consider evil.

My best friend is ex-Evangelical and well-versed in Apologetics. A while back, they gave me an example of how it works (with my consent of course).

Now, I'm extremely good at entertaining ideas without adopting them. It's a skill I deliberately and constantly wield, almost subconsciously at this point.

There's no way I could do it. The more you think it over, the deeper it digs into your brain. All an Evangelical has to do is feed you enough information and your own thoughts will do the work from there.

My friend wasn't even simulating an actual instance of proselytizing; they framed things within the context of, "This is what they'd say." And yet I could literally feel my mind tunnel at the logic, burrowing its way deeper every time I thought, "But what if...?"

I did throw it, though. The way I shook it off was Occam's Razor: "Simpler explanations are more likely to be correct."

Evangelical philosophy is too complex to be statistically probable compared to other frameworks. It even compensates for this by portraying itself as the only safe bet in a high-stakes game. But the reason we find it so compelling is because it makes us fear for our survival. It's the same fear we get when we hear rustling in the bushes when there's a predator around...only this time the tiger is something we can't know. Regardless, our lizard-brains will always take a false positive over a false negative in those situations, and will try to do so if it succumbs to the existential dread. This evil, perfect storm is what drives people to convert.

I've seen many forms of mental manipulation, but Apologetics is a weapon unlike any other.

So here's my advice to you and everyone else:

When it comes to the Evangelical debate game, the only winning move is not to play.

Do everything you can do avoid the topic of religion in conversation, and make a concentrated effort to give it as little breathing room as possible. Bring up a different topic. Say "no thanks" and move on. Ask questions about secular things. Ignore the religious content peppered within statements. Be cordial, but never ever let up on that boundary.

I don't know your relative, but I do know Evangelicals never respond well when denied a platform. They may try to persuade, provoke, trick, or guilt you into giving it to them, so be prepared to hold your ground if you have to interact with them. If all else fails, excuse yourself from the conversation.

Remember: It's not rude to hold a boundary. Don't let anyone convince you that it is.

[mdhwrites]

I really like the blog you wrote about trauma, Amphibia and The Owl House, specifically this one: https://www.tumblr.com/mdhwrites/728309819289845760/thank-you-for-defending-amphibia-s3a-you-dont

Your whole discussion on the 'pendulum' of trauma reaction was fascinating to me, and as an aspiring writer, it's something I'll be keeping in mind when I explore trauma in my own works. With that said, you've already talked at lengths at how differently Amphibia and The Owl House handle trauma, but do you have any other examples that stuck out to you as good/bad ways to explore trauma/angst?

First: It means a lot to me that you feel like I've genuinely taught you something. That is a genuine goal for me, even if I've gotten sidetracked from it at times, so it always feels good when someone says I succeeded.

And I have two examples from the same source not so much about dealing with trauma immediately after the fact but different ways of how to use trauma as backstory. How it can actually help form a character's worldview and the like. I have also then failed to get my brain to not becoming a hissing ball of hate (at me) trying to write this up a couple times now because I still struggle to do Star Rail blogs for some reason. sigh

I can't go much into it but luckily, I think Star Rail's 2.1 and 2.2 patches, with the characters Aventurine and Sunday, actually does a lot of it for me if you've played it. In short though, and trying to avoid spoilers: Aventurine uses his trauma backstory to inform personality. We get to see why he keeps people at a distance, where his gambling habit comes from, what it actually means to him, etc. like that. It entirely flipped the character (helped that it also saw a MARKED improvement in his writing from 2.0) for me into someone I could genuinely enjoy and sympathize with. It also didn't try to excuse why he manipulates people and keeps secrets but helped expand on why as a character he sees this as what gives him the best odds, even if sometimes it's not actually out of intelligence. (I keep wanting to do a blog about how they do this and how while it worked for me, it's a gamble the writers themselves pulled that won't pay out for everyone.)

Sunday meanwhile helps us understand his motivation and worldview from the trauma he has experienced in the past. It's even a well thought out enough backstory that it can be played as a core moral quandary: If presented with this evidence, what would you do? And that literally happens in game as a way to help shift the trauma from just being "UwU, sad boy," to "No, this is genuinely important and as it galvanized me, I hope it galvanizes you." It's a backstory with DEEP thematic and narrative importance while also allowing for great character work.

I really wish I could get my brain to go deeper, I could easily expand on both of these characters and their scenes connected to these elements, including how they're structured, but right this moment I can't. I've had this problem with Star Rail for a while honestly that when I want to talk about it, I often really struggle to unless it's IMMEDIATELY after I experience something. It's a lot of what triggered me recently to talk about how I struggle to be motivated by joy.

But that's off topic and my own problem. Sorry I couldn't do more of a lesson with this but I did want to give a response. See you next tale.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[livelaughwhump]

Worthless - Part 16

Masterlist | Previous

Content: disordered eating, mention of vomiting, mention of past abuse, dehumanization, degradation, self-hatred, self-deprecation

If I missed any content warnings, please let me know!

-

Elliot was half asleep when he heard the gentle knock at his door. Still wrapped in his warm cocoon of blankets, he flinched, his eyes snapping open. It wasn't an aggressive sound, but it startled Elliot nonetheless.

"Elliot? Sweetheart, can I come in?" Broderick's voice called through the door.

Elliot curled up beneath his blankets soundlessly. He didn't want to see anyone. More than that, he didn't want anyone to see him.

However, when he didn't answer, Broderick opened the door anyway. Elliot closed his eyes and hid his face in his cocoon.

"It's just me," Broderick announced. "No one else is coming in." Elliot peeked up over his blankets, blue eyes ringed in red. Broderick flashed a sad smile his way. "I'm sorry if we overwhelmed you earlier. I didn't know the girls were gonna barge in like that, but it's just us this time."

Elliot didn't say anything, but the tightness with which he held the blankets around him loosened slightly.

Broderick awkwardly cleared his throat. "So...do you wanna talk about what happened? I know this can be a sensitive topic, so it's fine if you don't want to."

Elliot was silent for a beat, his eyes flitting everywhere across the room except to Broderick's.

Broderick sighed and sat himself in the chair he'd left beside Elliot's bed earlier. "Listen, I'm not going to judge you or belittle you or even force you to eat, but-but I do wanna help you. All I want is to help you."

Elliot shook his head and spoke for the first time since Broderick entered the room. "You can't help me," he mumbled. "I'm broken."

"You're not broken, El-"

"No, you-you don't understand," Elliot interrupted. "I'm broken!"

Broderick furrowed his brow. "What are you talking about?"

Elliot sniffled, but there were no tears in his eyes. "I-I can't eat anymore. My-My stupid body won't let me." Broderick didn't react. "Ev-Every time I try to-to eat, I-I throw it back up. I've-I've tried, r-really, I-I have. I just-I just can't." Elliot curled into an even tighter ball. "I'm broken," he whimpered.

Broderick watched him with sad eyes. "Has this happened before?" He asked.

Elliot glanced up at him. "Wh-What?"

"Has eating ever made you throw up before?" Broderick reiterated.

Elliot thought for a moment before his cheeks reddened. He nodded. "At-At the beginning of...wh-when Master started f-feeding me." Elliot refused to look at Broderick, training his gaze on his fidgeting hands instead.

"Well, what did he feed you?"

Elliot's face turned a deeper shade of red and his lip started quivering. He didn't want to answer. He was too ashamed and humiliated.

But why? It's more than you deserved. You're lucky Master even fed you at all, you stupid, worthless mutt

Elliot didn't want to cry. Crying in front of his friends never failed to spark guilt in the pit of his empty stomach.

"You're so pretty when you cry."

That's what Master had said. Elliot wondered if his friends would agree.

"Elliot?" Broderick called.

Elliot snapped back to reality, remembering the question he had been asked several minutes ago. "Oh, s-sorry," he mumbled.

"That's okay. You don't have to answer if it's too upsetting to remember. I understand."

No. Elliot wanted to be good. He wanted to do as he was told. But then again, it was such a painful, dehumanizing memory. Making decisions was never one of Elliot's skills, even before Christian. It had only gotten worse after him.

That's because your stupid animal brain isn't capable of thinking for itself. Pets exist to serve, not to make choices

Elliot sniffled again. "Will-Will it help you figure out what's wrong with me?"

Broderick shrugged, flashing a charming half-smile. "It wouldn't hurt."

Elliot frowned. Talking about his time with Christian unearthed so many painful memories, but Broderick had given him an order. Pets don't refuse orders.

"He-He f-fed me d-dog food," Elliot stammered. He didn't look up at the medic's expression, but he flinched, preparing to be laughed at or mocked.

Broderick's heart broke. "Oh." He didn't know what to say to that. Of course, he had known that Elliot had been treated like a dog, but Broderick hadn't suspected that he may have been fed like one. "I'm so sorry, Elliot. You didn't deserve to be treated like that."

Elliot looked like he was on the verge of tears. His lower lip started wobbling. "M-Master said it was g-good for me. He-He said it would k-keep me in my place."

Broderick shook his head. "That's not right," he mumbled.

Elliot sniffled. "I-I told you I was b-broken."

Broderick's hatred for Christian continued to grow. He shook his head again. "You're not broken, sweet. I think I know what's going on."

Elliot glanced up at the medic, eyes glistening with unshed tears. "You-You do?"

Broderick nodded. "Dog food isnt made for human consumption and can result in foodbourne illness. When you first started eating what Christian gave you, your body knew something was wrong and rejected it. But as time went on, you eventually grew used to it. I think the same may be happening now that we're trying to reintroduce you to human food." Elliot's gaze wavered. "I'm hoping that this nausea will start to fade as you get more and more used to eating real food. It'll take some time, and we'll have to start small, but it should be a pretty easy fix. I can give you some anti-nausea medicine too, if that'll help."

Elliot was silent. He didn't react at all to anything Broderick said. Broderick tilted his head as he considered Elliot's blank expression. "You okay, sweet?"

Elliot's dull eyes lowered to his lap. "W-Wouldn't it be easier to just k-keep feeding me d-dog food?" He mumbled. "That-That way, I-I won't be such a-such a burden."

Broderick sighed, his chest and shoulders heaving with the motion. "Elliot, you are not, and never will be, a burden. No one is forcing us to help you. We want to because we're a family." Elliot cringed and glanced up. "I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true." Elliot didn't say anything after that. His gaze lowered once more and he began to fidget with his fluffy blanket. Broderick pursed his lips as he examined Elliot.

It hurt how much Elliot reminded Broderick of his little brothers, how small they were the last time he'd seen them. They were only twelve the last time Broderick had visited them, but that was years ago. For all he knew, they could've been seventeen by now, but it didn't matter. As much as he missed the twins, he'd probably never see them again. Not as long as his father was still in the picture.

Broderick shook the memory of his family out of his mind. Elliot hadn't moved. His shoulders were hunched, his head was lowered, and his fingers were still mindlessly tugging at his blanket.

Broderick forced a comforting smile onto his face, but it was weak and clearly fake. "Why don't I go make you something that'll be easy on your stomach?" Elliot didn't move. "When I was sick, my mom and step-dad would always make me soup with crackers, and it always made me feel better. Why don't I go make you some of the same?"

Those words made Elliot pause his fidgeting and look up at his friend. "Th-That...That sounds...nice."

Broderick raised his brows. "Yeah?"

"But-But, what if I can't keep it down?"

Broderick gently took hold of one of Elliot's quivering hands and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Don't worry, sweet. We'll go slow, and remember, I'm not going to make you do anything you're not comfortable with. If you're not ready to try, or if you want to be alone, that's okay. It's completely up to you."

Elliot knew Broderick was just saying that. He could see it in his eyes. Broderick desperately wanted him to eat. A pang of guilt struck Elliot in the stomach as he gazed upon the sheer amount of worry in the medic's eyes.

Elliot bit down hard on his lower lip to keep it from trembling. He wiped away his tears with the back of his hand and said, "I-I want to try."

Broderick's face lit up with relief, and despite the anxiety churning in Elliot's stomach, he couldn't help but feel somewhat relieved as well.

"Okay," Broderick said, a wide smile splitting his face. "Then, I'll go make you some soup and crackers. You just relax and I'll be right back." Elliot nodded silently as Broderick left the room.

Elliot was left alone to his thoughts. There was a deep, gnawing ache in his stomach. Whether it was anxiety or hunger, he couldn't tell, but he hoped that just trying to eat human food would sate it, even if just a little.

. . .

"How is he?" Lyra asked the second Broderick left Elliot's room. Karine gently coaxed them back down onto the couch, but the concern painting Lyra's face didn't falter.

Broderick didn't know how to answer. "He's-He's okay." It wasn't completely true. "I'll tell you everything later, but right now, I'm going to make him something that'll be easy on his stomach."

Lyra furrowed their brows and followed Broderick into the kitchen. "What does that mean, 'easy on his stomach'?"

Broderick pulled out a can of chicken noodle soup from the cupboard and poured it into a pot on the stove. "It means, something that won't make him sick."

"So that's why he hasn't been eating? Because it's making him sick?"

Broderick groaned and rolled his eyes. "I thought I said I would talk to you about this later."

"I'm his best friend, Broderick."

"Then, ask him yourself. What happened to Elliot is his business. It's not mine to tell."

Lyra furrowed their brows. "Why are you being like this?" They asked. Broderick stared into the pot of soup, his jaw tight and his fists clenched. "Did something happen?"

There was a tightness in Broderick's chest. He took a deep breath to try to loosen it and turned his eyes toward the ceiling. He was furious. Thinking about how Elliot had been fed nothing but dog food for over a year made his blood boil. No one should be treated like that, least of all someone as kind and cheerful as Elliot. It broke Broderick's heart.

Broderick shook his head as he stirred the soup. "It's Elliot's business," he repeated. "Not mine." Lyra merely stared at him silently after that. Broderick wedged his bottom lip between his teeth to try to keep from crying. "I-I just wish there was more I could do for him. I'm the medic, and yet, there's nothing I can do about the amount of pain he's in."

Lyra nodded in understanding. "I get that," they mumbled. "But he's getting more comfortable around everyone. He's slowly getting better, and he's going to keep getting better as long as we keep helping him." Broderick didn't acknowledge that they'd spoken. He leaned against the counter and wordlessly stirred Elliot's soup. Lyra tiled their head. "Did Elliot tell you something?" Broderick nodded. "But you don't wanna tell me?"

"Like I said." Broderick ladled the soup into a bowl and pulled a bag of crackers out of a different cupboard. "It's his business. Not mine."

"Broderick..."

"I'm gonna go bring him his food."

. . .

It wasn't five minutes later that Broderick returned, this time holding a steaming bowl and a bag of crackers. The smell that wafted into Elliot's nose was delightful, and yet, it made his stomach churn.

"I made chicken noodle soup," Broderick announced as he sat at Elliot's bedside. "I hope that's okay. I figured it was the easiest thing to start with, eh?" Elliot eyed the food nervously, but he nodded. "You okay? Remember, you don't have to eat it if you don't want to."

Elliot pursed his lips. "But you already made it. I don't-I don't wanna waste it."

Broderick smiled. "If you don't eat it, I'm sure someone else will. Hell, I might even eat it. It won't go to waste, I promise."

Elliot's insides clenched and he swallowed the bile rising up his throat. He didn't have to do this. Broderick had told him he didn't have to do this, but by refusing to eat, wouldn't he be disobeying an order?

It's just soup, you pathetic mutt. What kind of worthless bitch is afraid of eating soup?

Elliot clenched his jaw to keep his lip from trembling. "O-Okay," he mumbled. His voice was small and pathetic. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just eat?

Broderick tilted his head. "Sweetheart, you don't have to do this. I'm not going to force you."

Elliot shook his head. "I-I can do it. I can be good. I wanna be good."

"You are good. Nothing is going to change that."

Elliot shrunk in on himself, glancing over at the steaming bowl in Broderick's hands out of the corner of his eye. "I-I don't think I can d-do it when-when you're watching me," he admitted, his voice growing even smaller than before.

Elliot expected Broderick to be angry, to shout at him or throw the scalding hot soup over his head, but the medic didn't do either of those things. Instead, he simply nodded in understanding. "Okay," he said. "Would you like me to leave?"

Elliot hunched his shoulders, his eyes growing misty.

Bad mutt!

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Broderick assured him. He slowly set the bowl and bag down on Elliot's nightstand and began to stand up from his seat. "I'll just set these over here. Take as long as you need. Or, if you don't want it, feel free to bring it back out to the kitchen, or just set it in front of your door and I'll come grab it, eh? I'll give you some privacy." With that, Broderick gently shut the door behind him and Elliot was alone again.

Elliot glanced at the bowl. He stared at it for a few seconds before taking it into his hands. With his weak muscles and the unease coursing through his body, Elliot was shocked he didn't drop the bowl before setting it in his lap.

Staring into the soup, there was less of it than Elliot had expected. Perhaps it was because Broderick wanted ease him into it. That was the only explanation he could come up with, but somehow, he couldn't bring himself to believe that it was true.

It's just soup. I can do this

With shaking hands, Elliot brought a spoonful of the delightfully warm food to his lips and carefully drank it down. It was delicious and comforting and sparked a welcome warmth in his chest on the way down. Elliot waited a few seconds. His stomach gurgled and ached, but it ultimately accepted the food. Elliot felt his heart jump.

I did it

It was such a small feat, but one that he found himself growing immensely proud of. He didn't know exactly how long he'd been Christian's pet, how long he'd been forced to eat nothing but dog kibble on his hands and knees out of a tin bowl on the floor. This was the first time in so long that he was able to eat without feeling sick, and he couldn't help but feel proud of himself. He hoped his friends would be equally as proud of him too.

Elliot sighed in contentment and went in for a second bite.

-

If anyone is curious, Elliot has a type of eating disorder called ARFID (Avoidance/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) which is basically an eating disorder in which an individual is extremely selective of what they eat (which is a gross oversimplification, but I'm not going to go into detail). In Elliot's case, this comes from a fear of throwing up, which developed as a result of a mild case of refeeding syndrome

Sorry this took so long. I've been struggling a bit lately with my mental health, so writing wasn't a huge priority of mine. Also, this topic is a sensitive one for me, since I have the same eating disorder I gave Elliot, but I thought it was important to touch on for Elliot's recovery

I hope you enjoyed!

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@l-antre-des-merveilles @pigeonwhumps @nicolepascaline @burningkittypoet @whumpinggrounds @suffering-and-misery @make-them-scream @honeycollectswhump @rabass @whumpdreamz @clairelsonao3 @rosewriteswhump

If anyone wants to be added to or removed from the taglist, please let me know!😊

[wuahae]

how should i start stanning tbz? i watched them on rtk/kingdom and i liked their performances but idk where to start 🫣🫣 pls help

right in time for their latest comeback too.............you’ve come to the right person.

so in my opinion the best way to get into the boyz is by watching their variety content! usually when i start out these guides i send people clips of their rtk performances but since you've already watched them i can just skip straight to the variety content <3 if you wanted another guide for like . song recommendations from their discography i can do that too! just say the word hehe <3 personally i started liking them because of their variety content and their endless out of context vlive clips LMAO but here's my starter pack:

for a brief overview of tbz: introduction to the boyz

it actually IS brief okay it's just 40 minutes because there's 11 members to get through 😭 it's from 2021 so it's a little old but i'd say it provides a really good basis for future the boyz exploration! you can get a pretty good feel of each of the 11 members and their little quirks from this video, and it's a good mixture of it being a serious introduction (showing them being good at their job) and unserious (showing them being literally just some guys)

optional viewing: the boyz flower snack

flower snack was like their predebut show where they were officially introduced to the world! they're like super young here and while i wouldn't consider this essential media (esp since they've grown so much since then) i do think it's a good pick-me-up because of how feelgood the show is :") it's definitely cringy at parts and you can tell they still have that trainee air to them, but personality-wise i don't think a lot has changed since then till now :"") they're still a bunch of dorks and some jokes are still mentioned now and then (eric doing watermelon cpr)

the two links below are less of a beginner guide and moreso for when you want to dive deeper into each member's personalities and their inner thoughts! personally i would watch the fun variety stuff first and get a feel for each member before getting into the interviews, but you could also watch the photoshoot portions and then watch the variety stuff and then go back to the interviews for more context. any way is fine, it's up to you! - generation z

the guide from above uses the gen z clips for each member but so the photoshoot portion isn't anything new but! i think the full gen z playlist is really worth watching :3 because of the interview format it allows a glimpse of insight into each member, and honestly it was one of my very first tbz media where i started to really Get them ykwim...... the way they answer each question is so specific to themselves and the topics for each interview is very individualized, so even if you don't have the urge to dissect their brain like i do it's still a very interesting (and visually pleasing) watch! and also ..... the iconic juyeon yellow lambourghini clip is from here. for your own viewing pleasure.

- be your own king

speaking of viewing pleasure. this is very reminiscent of the gen z photoshoots but instead of doing video format interviews they decided to do it through written form instead! here is the thread for all the translations, but a few are missing bc their accounts got deleted :( for the members that got deleted, i found hyunjae's, but i can't find jacob's anywhere :( but basically the entire format of the interviews were that the members would write the interview questions for themselves, and then they'd answer them. i think because of this a lot of them have spoken about how much they liked this interview, because it let them reflect on themselves a lot! they were also a lot more comfortable with this interview compared to gen z because gen z was like ,,, their first time every doing something like this, but with byok the combination of having experience and writing their own questions let them be a lot more relaxed in the process ^^

weekly idol eps to watch: stealer era | thrill ride era

the stealer era episode is just soooo ... JWJSADJFL like they start airing out their dirt on national tv (younghoon and sunwoo get the brunt of it) and for a bonus johnny and haechan from nct are special mcs in this ep! the thrill ride era episode is so cute lolll it shows the individual traits of each member so well... like eric is there being a social butterfly and golden retriever right from the start and then juyeon is just being thrown boyfriend material scripts so he can act them out with hyunjae LMAO it's just a total mess but it's very... them. they have a few other weekly idol eps from other eras so you can definitely check them out too, but personally the stealer and thrill ride eras are my favorites to watch and rewatch ^^

dive studio podcasts: kevin | jacob | eric | english line

this is just a lot of fun to watch! they're definitely a lot less serious than the gen z and byok interviews, but they're still a good insight into how the english members came to become a part of tbz! a lot of fandom jokes come from here (mostly about how eric is friends with his friend's dad, jeff) but overall it's just a good time! they are Just some guys /pos.........

come on the boyz!: summer rpg | in nyc | godsaeng

there's another original come on the boyz series but i ... haven't watched it yet so 😭 i can't recommend it in good faith BUT the ones on here are stuff i Have watched and they're all very very cute :") tbz are like 1thek's sons HAHA so they have a lot of 1thek variety content but each one obviously has a different concept to it! they're sorta all in the name but personally my favorite is godsaeng :"") maybe cause it was the most recently filmed (and even though eric was still on hiatus during this time :( ) but it's just soooo fun and all the members are so goofy and lame and it just feels like you're watching a bunch of friends go on a 3d2n road trip together 🥹 the members' personalities really come out in all the installments and the editing is just so funny from the 1thek staff LMAO its just a lot of fun <3

for vlive content:

honestly my best advice is to watch those edit/compilation videos that fans make on youtube! they're such a good way to get the best highlights from the vlives without wasting your time with like. 1-2 hour long lives HAHA my recommendations for channels to browse through are jellykims, txtbz, and jichangminluvr! you can probably rabbithole through the yt algorithm from there HAHA you'll have lots of fun i promise <3

there's obviously so much more content that i think is worth watching but this is just the starter pack that i think makes a pretty good beginning on stanning the boyz !! if you have any more questions or you want to talk about any of the members pleaaasseee let me know!! i'm always so so happy to talk about tbz HAHA i'm a fairly new deobi myself (its only been a couple months) so i'd love to have other deobis or aspiring deobis to talk to and/or convert!! thank you for trusting in me with this starter pack LMAO please update me on how it goes and if you start stanning ^^

[swiftiefirefighters]

I don’t mean people who dislike Tommy in general. That’s fine, we don’t like every character and it’s whatever. I hate people that go out of their way to try and say that Tommy and people like him are ‘toxic’ and ‘evil’ because they made bad decisions in their past. There are a lot of valid criticisms for Loud and for Tommy and even for Ryan Guzman, and that’s fine and everyone has their own opinions. What grates on me are the people that go out of their way to attack the character and try to paint him as a bad representation and somehow evil and irredeemable but don’t have those same issues in real life instances of racism or bigotry like we saw with Ryan. I’m not saying he should be attacked or reviled, nor that it should be ignored and swept under the rug.

My argument was more that the people who specifically target the Tommy character as a villain and spew vitriol at his fans and at the actor are just using the morality argument to disguise that they’re really just mad about their ship being canon. And when they get called out they double down. Yet the moment Buddie goes canon they will forget all their previous arguments and champion it as ‘pure, queer love’ as if that’s the only kind of experience and representation that gay men should be allowed to have, meanwhile being intentionally ignorant of Ryan doing the exact same things they lambasted Tommy for.

It feels disingenuous and in bad faith for so many fans/BuckTommy haters to be having this argument without having any intention of standing up to real life moments of racism, homophobia, misogyny, or other kinds of injustice on or off the show. It’s playing pretend anger so they can try and bully show runners into making Buddie canon and it gives a really bad name to the fandom. What is the point of crying about fictional behaviors when they choose to ignore real life iterations that mirror them? They decided that it doesn’t count so long as the actor in their favorite ship is involved and that really bothers me. It’s a deeper issue than I’m expressing, clearly, but it seems so intentionally nasty and selective in some circles and it’s driving me up the wall because they know what they’re doing and intentionally continue to inflict this hatred on everyone who disagrees.

I have been sitting with this trying to find a good response but honestly I just don't feel qualified to pass judgment on this particular topic. Hypocrisy certainly exists in fandom, and that's definitely it's own issue, but having not been around for the Ryan stuff I can't speak on people's reactions to it. I honestly can't even explain fully what happened (I know he made some comments and I know Oliver and Aisha made statements after but that's about it). I didn't want to seem like I was ignoring this message (and maybe someone else will have something to add), but I just don't feel like I can respond in good faith at the moment with my current brain power and knowledge of the subject.

I do think people are being unnecessarily nasty about Tommy/Lou though. I think that goes without me saying. Death threats towards real people are never appropriate, especially when that person's crime is....playing a character you don't like, and I've definitely seen people doing that. Honestly, I am really exhausted from everything going on right now in this fandom, and maybe that's why I can't come up with a really well thought response. It's definitely time to work on curating the dash a bit better.

[khodorkovskaya]

I wanna be someone who's really easy to talk to and that and to have conversations with etc but then I'm also like??? Idk I feel like I am easy to talk to because anyone can literally say anything to me and I'm not fussed I'm ready to converse, wanna talk about eggs? Go ahead that's eggcellant. Wanna chat shit about guys/girls? I'm all ears and will offer support and jokes. Wanna talk about dinosaurs? FUCK YES IM READY FOR THAT. Literally anything goes but I rarely have convos with people and I'm like??? Is it a bible I give off???

Also sometimes I feel like I'm the issue because I could literally message anyone all day about random shit and anything that happens during the day etc but a lot of people dont seem to like that?? And I'm like ok calm down dont overwhelm someone, and I'm like dont send messages if they're not wanted etc etc etc..... and if replies are slow etc I'm like ohhhh maybe they dont wanna talk or have all these messages a lot so something I dont message people if that makes sense??? And idk if that makes people thinkni dont wanna talk but I really really do

Anyway I think I've lost the trail of this point I'm making but basically I just wish I was good at making and having conversations etc and didnt feel awkward everytime I try to have them lmao

yeah i get what you're saying. idk about you but for me i feel like substance is a big issue when it comes to conversation. like if it's small talk or something silly, im really easy to talk to. but once there's more substance and the conversation is a little deeper, i just like never have anything to say. i think it's bc i spent most of my formative years just like not thinking or questioning myself. or at least not questioning myself on the topics normal people question themselves on. like the part of my brain that's supposed to produce independent thoughts is like severely underdeveloped idk.

like for example i love talking to my zurich friend because he always has some gossip going on, but then we get to a different topic and im like 😐. like the last time we talked he brought up death and i just like had no idea what to say and it was awkward. bc in small talk or dinosaur talk or whatever you can just nod and laugh. but when it comes to something serious likeee. so yeah i haven't messaged him since and it's been like 2 weeks at least.

and i feel like it's the same as like doing sports/after school activities as a kid. like i have hyperhidrosis and when i was a kid i was like super insecure about it cos things would always stick to my hands cos im sweaty all the time. so id just like not touch things and avoid doing any kinds of activities where i had to use my hands. and now as an adult im super clumsy. like i have no coordination when it comes to my hands, i can't open things, i can't hold things properly. and i think it's bc i didn't use my hands enough as a kid. however, my parents put me into music school when i was little so now as an adult im above average when it comes to like being in tune with things, hearing things other people don't hear, etc.

and conversation is the same way. like no one really forced me to think that much as a kid or a teen. so now im an adult with two braincells, you know? but it comes with practice. like ever since my breakup ive been forcing myself to think and it's been really great so far. ive made a lot of progress and im so much more aware of what's happening around me now. and it shows in conversation too! like now i actually have a couple of opinions, can you believe that?! im slowly starting to become an interesting person.

so back to what you're saying, finding people who are able to have conversations is already hard to begin with. like some people are just like how i was up until recently, no thoughts, head empty. and it's no use trying to start a conversation with them.

whereas in other cases, maybe you're just not that interesting to talk to. and that takes a lot of work to fix. i haven't figured it out myself yet, so i can't help you. but i think getting in touch with yourself and your values and your interests really helps.

and yeah sometimes people's vibes just like don't vibe with other people's. maybe you give off a strange vibe? again, no idea how to fix that. ive definitely had my fair share of weird stares when i come up to talk to people. it's probably like pheromones or something idk.

[uncloseted]

how do i become more thankful and grateful if I truly don't feel like it. I seem to be unable to feel grateful for anything, I don't care if i have it or not because they don't make me happy anyways, i have treatment resistant depression and i've been under care for almost 10 years with little to no quantifiable reports of feeling better or improved in every case evaluation i've done (every new year), even Abe Hick's method of appreciation doesn't work since i can't feel anything

Okay so first things first, I should say that I'm not a doctor or a psychiatrist or a mental health professional of any kind. I'm not an expert in this kind of thing and while I can tell you my thoughts, this is really a topic to bring up with your care team. That said, my policy here is basically "you ask, I answer", so I'll tell you what I think.

Feeling gratitude when you're depressed is really hard because depressed brains have wired themselves to be aware of things that are negative. Think of our brains like a hill with fresh snow on it. When you take a sled and go down the hill the first time, you can go wherever you want. But as you keep going down the hill again and again, a deeper and more permanent track will develop, and soon it will be difficult to sled down the hill without falling into the path you created. If the snow is deep enough, eventually it will become really hard to get your sled out of that path at all. It will take a lot of effort to get your sled out of the path and put it on a different one. The more negative thoughts we think, the stronger the connections between our neurons become, and the more likely we are to keep thinking those thoughts - the deeper the path in the snow becomes, as it were. Gratitude practices aim to create a new, deep path in the snow- to create new neural connections. And when we're sledding down the hill on our new path, the old path slowly gets filled in with fresh snow, until the original path we made isn't there anymore. By focusing our brains on forming new, positive connections, the negative pathways we built start to become weaker and eventually disappear.

For people who have depression, it's really hard to pick up the sled and move it to create a new path. The snow is too deep, and they're stuck in it. We might think of antidepressants as a boost that can help us climb out of the snow, and therapy maybe as someone coming along and helping us climb out (am I losing the metaphor a bit here?). For people with treatment resistant depression, we might think of it as the snow being so deep that antidepressants and therapy just can't pull them out. So it makes a lot of sense that you're having trouble pulling your sled out and creating a "gratitude" path with it. You may have to get closer to getting out of the path you're currently in before you can create a new one. And that's totally okay. You don't have to be in a place where you can feel gratitude right now. Sometimes it's okay to focus on getting out of the snow first.

That said, there are some things you can try when it comes to gratitude. The first thing is to just go through the motions of practicing gratitude. Even if you're not feeling the emotion of gratitude, listing out things you're grateful for (or things you think you should feel grateful for, or that other people might think you would be grateful for) can help you start building those new connections in your brain. You can start small, just by saying, "today, I am grateful for..." and then coming up with one thing. You can also try writing a letter to someone you're grateful for, even if you don't give it to them. Another thing that may help is trying to be mindful of the present moment- to try to shut your brain off from ruminating about the past or worrying about the future and to just notice the things around you.

The last thing I want to say is that more and more new treatments for depression are created every day. Obviously I'm not your doctor and I don't know what you've tried, but I wanted to mention a few different options that have shown promise in treatment-resistant depression, just in case it helps:

Repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS). This type of treatment uses magnetic fields to stimulate the brain. In this treatment, an electromagnetic coil is placed against your scalp near your forehead. The electromagnet stimulates the nerve cells in the region of your brain involved in mood control and depression. Typically, this treatment is delivered over 30-minute sessions in rapid bursts. This treatment can now be delivered over briefer sessions with dosing called intermittent theta burst stimulation. About 30% of patients with treatment resistant depression achieve remission with rTMS.

Ketamine is a medication that's delivered through an IV in low doses or through an intranasal spray. It's used for rapid relief of hard-to-treat depressive symptoms. Usually it's given in decreasing frequencies over several weeks. If you have tried at least two other antidepressant medications that did not adequately control your symptoms, you may be a candidate for this type of treatment. Going back to the snow metaphor, it's thought that ketamine essentially turns the hill back to fresh snow without any paths in it, which allows you to more easily build new paths. About 38% of people with treatment resistant depression went into remission after 10 ketamine infusions. Ketamine is sometimes used alongside rTMS and oral antidepressants to magnify and prolong its effect.

Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). While you're asleep, a carefully measured dose of electricity is passed through your brain, intentionally triggering a small, brief seizure. ECT seems to cause changes in brain chemistry that can relatively quickly reverse symptoms of major depression. Although there are potential side effects, such as temporary confusion or temporary memory loss, a series of ECT treatments may provide significant relief of severe depression. The response rate is thought to be somewhere between 50 to 70% in treatment-resistant patients.

Maybe you've tried all of these things and they haven't worked, or maybe they're not an option for you, but if you haven't, it might be a good idea to talk with your mental health provider about your options. People with treatment resistant depression can and do go into remission, and I hope you find an option that works for you.

[thelonelysoulhome]

I feel like when it comes to saezuru, the story is so complex and layered in the best way possible that even if you read it several times you can't really comprehend the work in its entirety (especially since it is not finished).

The story abord so many heavy topics with so much pertinency and subtlety. It's not your typical BL story, It dosen't make dramatic past just to make dramatic past, it dosen't glamorize abuse, SA, dubcon... It's just the story of deeply wounded, failed people that try to survive "disabled" in a cruel and fucked up world. It's devastating, shattering, heart wrenching, it's raw but it's real.

It's depicted so brillantly that it drains you emotionally, it makes you reflect, it scrapes you brain. When I read saezuru for the first time I remember telling myself 'This Is different, that go deeper than any other manga I read before.' The goosepump I got when Yashiro remembered the abuse he undergone as a child when he got shot.

I still remember vividly the first time I read and listened to chapter 22 to 25... I remember having to pause, fix the void and start crying like a baby, the emotions I felt...the heart breack, the uneasy feeling in my stomach, I thought about it days and days after...

And it's only when you reread it that you start to catch every details, that you start to analyze every words, every behaviours. You start to read between the lines especialy when you understand that in saezuru the words and the heart are at odds. All this overthinking is what got me to post pieces of my mind on here, the work is so strong that you can't help yourself but try to analyze it. You can't read saezuru without it having an impact on you.

So if you ask me about topics that are ignored when talking about saezuru, I would say many, many of them. I personally feel like I just brushed it, I feel like we generally focus on the biggest and more noticeable topics that are usually concerning Yashiro, even if I feel like a lot of people don't get him to the core. I kind of feel like both Yashiro and Doumeki are still too frequentlly misunderstood.

Especially Doumeki that passes for too many people to my opinion as a big tall airy head guy that should understand everything about Yashiro without him saying a world, people that put the blame on D for every bad things that happen to Y are blind and ignorant. Astonishing and sad to see that D goes ignored because he appears to be "emotionless and capable" exactly like he was treated as a child in the story...

His traumas are often minimized (or worse sometimes doubted) by being compared with Y's ones , people need to uderstand that traumas and pain are not things that can be comparable, they are wounds in the soul that leaves in you, they literally damage the brain, alter your discernement and disable the life of the one who suffers from them.

How some people expect them to act like 'healthy' people when they clearly are not, always been confusing to me, the fact that their path crossed is already a miracle, but because they are damaged it's no going as easy as it could be, a simple (sincere) "I love you" will not magically erase a life of tourments and heal all the injuries of a damaged soul. The story take it's time cause it's depict a reality, the reality that the path of acceptance (of yourself and others) and healing is a tumultuous and long journey.

They are of course amazing people like @itwearsadress , @eidolon-azii , @pouletaulait , @beigepillow ( that emphasize on D a lot ����) and many more that makes a beautiful job at analyzing saezuru and I really appreciate to read everyone thought ❤.

I feel like saezuru is as story that need a certain level of maturity, emotional knowledge and sensivity to grasp the depth of it...

I'm so excited to discover the rest of Yoneda sensei's work, the only thing I'm sure of is that whatever the outcome of this story will be, it will mark us in one way or another for our lifetime.

So let's continue this beautiful and tearing journey together ❤️‍🩹

It’s been a while but are there any topics that usually go ignored when analyzing saezuru? Curious to know people’s thoughts.

[rinadragomir]

Julie Plec and convenient diversity 🙃

Okay so when I found out they chose a British guy to play Dimitri I was a bit upset but in a super chill way cause 1)he looks fantastic 2) British accent kinda reminds me of Russian so I thought they not gonna have any problems with working on it.

Then my Tumblr friend made a post and I found out they erased that part of him. TV show Dimitri is not Russian anymore. I was kinda confused cause 1)then why would he have a Russian name👀 2)what about the fact that Rose spends the whole book in Russia, what about Roza, what about half of their jokes😟

BUT TODAY 🤡I FOUND OUT 🤡WHAT THAT PIECE OF HUMAN 🤡SAID ABOUT THAT CHANGE 🤡

Okay it's not a literal quote but it's almost it:

Dimitri is not Russian anymore, you'll be fine with it when you learn more about that amazing man playing his role.......It was important for us to convey the spirit of modernity, to show today's world with all the diversity of its cultural idiosyncrasies. Accent, origin and race do not matter because we are all part of the same community.

That clown living her clown life 🎪

Okay let's see

So she put 1) diversity is important, we all different and it's cool to show it AND 2)why diversity if we're the same person? 🥺 IN ONE FUCKING SENTENCE?!?!????!

Julie Plec literally said: OF COURSE diversity is important, we have Black Americans! Latins, Chinese guys...or not Chinese, I mean asian people = only Chinese right? And of course ...*whispers* I can't remember more..... um.....what? Turks? what is it? Turkey? Like ...Turkey on Thanksgiving day?🥺Yeah? Russian? Russia... sounds familiar where is it👀ugh nevermind some white dudes, they sound like British anyway

I forgot to mention I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST THE CAST they're babies and they do the best they can, their acting is the reason I watched that trailer✋they just do their job and do it perfect

I have BIG ISSUES with creators of this show

⚠️Before some of you start with your American "um bitch u know dat black people live in Turkey and British people live in Russia and Latin people live in Romania" I'll say: they definitely MIGHT live there, tho I've never seen anything like this in any of these countries (I live in one of them and I've been in two others

But after Dimitri being a British announcement, there's no way Rose is Turkish. No fucking way. No one actually cares about the diversity. Diversity is a thing ONLY when it comes to people who live in America.

When people from Turkey, Russia, Romania even slightly open their mouth EVERYONE SHUTS THEM UP with "um....white dudes talking again 😴we have Black and Asian people, others don't actually exist👁️👄👁️)

If you think that "WOW we have a cool beautiful black girl as a lead, finally some good fucking food, finally a WELL WRITTEN WOMAN OF COLOR"

no think again😍you really believe that a woman who thought "ugh....idk all of these Turkish and Russian....ugh language, traditions are so hard🥺" will MAKE AN EFFORT?! To write a proper black lead girl? Seriously? I have some news

If you look at the cast and think "we have a proper diverse cast! That's so great! Different cultures were so important in the books, I'm sure tv show creators will explore this topic even deeper" you're poor innocent silly soul, that's who you are.

👉🏻IT'S NOT ABOUT AN "AdApTaTiOn" IT'S ABOUT PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THESE BOOKS AND THEY DON'T WANT TO, BUT THEIR LITTLE DAMAGE BRAINS CAN'T COME UP WITH THEIR OWN NEW UNIQUE STORY (and even when they can, it's so fucking bad, no one wants to watch it), SO THEY TAKE A POPULAR TITLE AND MAKE THEIR OWN SHIT PRETENDING IT'S ALL THE SAME CAUSE THEY DIDN'T CHANGE CHARACTERS NAMES. 👈🏻

And a little reminder how people look outside of England and the USA for my beloved Julie Plec and people saying "real diversity is here, who needs these white guys on the screen" (Turkish, Romanian, Russian)

[robinofgothamcity]

♡ prompt: "Do you want me to hurt him?" / inspired by 'telephone' by lady gaga

♡ pairing: bart allen ( impulse ) x fem! reader

♡ note: not checked for grammar or spelling mistakes / my schedule is going to become more sporadic starting next week :/ i'm going to keep the warning up until next week.

"Bart, shut up," you said, jokingly pushing him. he laughed, handing you the ice cream, "what? I'm serious! I just think that mint chocolate is better. if you have just mint, it'll taste like toothpaste and if you have just chocolate, it's too sweet so mint chocolate is a good even ground," he explained.

you felt your phone vibrate as Jinny spoke up, talking about how Bart and Connor shared one brain cell outside of the field. looking down to see who was ringing you, you saw that it was your god forsaken boyfriend for the 100th time.

"oooo, who is that?" Bart asked, looking over to your phone. he read the wall of text you had received but you quickly shut your phone off, not bothering to read it, "you gonna answer that?" he asked, a small bit of jealousy bubbling up inside him.

"don't really feel like it," you quickly said, trying to remain off that topic. Bart, clearly annoyed, snatched your phone and put it in his pocket, "than let's forget about him, right?" he asked, putting on his annoyed fake smile.

Tim and Jinny saw the very irritated face Bart had and looked to each other as they shook their heads, "those two I swear," Jinny huffed out in annoyance. "more like ( your name )," he replied, "Bart could admit his feelings to her face and she still wouldn't do anything about that horrid boyfriend of hers."

the two of them stifled giggles from each other as they watched the two of you continue to flirt openly. it was no secret to anyone on the team. it was very clear to everyone on the YJ team, the Titans, even the JLA knew that the two of you liked each other....a lot but it was that stupid boyfriend of yours that got in the way of Bart ever truly expressing his feelings for you.

"what is everyone's plans after this?" you asked the team as they all murmured different answers, indicating that they were all busy. you sighed, trying not go straight up at the moment because you knew that you'd have to deal with your boyfriends calls when you got there, "I'll stay out with ya!" Bart replied as he saw the empty park bench.

you gave him a grin, "thanks Allen. you're a life saver," you exclaimed, waving everyone off goodbye. you walked to the bench, Bart following right behind you as Bart felt your phone ringing again.

there had been a scarce few times where you did call Bart with your boyfriend problems. it was usually late at night. probably inching near three in the morning when you called him sobbing, asking him if you deserved to go through the bullshit you were dealing with your boyfriend.

Bart always felt himself getting angry whenever he received those calls. you sounded so heartbroken, tired, and emotional. he was always there to help pick you back up but not even a few days later, you were back with him, telling Bart that your boyfriend needed you now more than ever.

"he's still angry that you're hanging out with me? do you want me to hurt him?" he asked, finally taking your phone out of your pocket. you nodded, rolling your eyes, "Bart no. he thinks that my 'job' is taking too much time away from him and I being together. I swear, it's like hearing a broken record. one minute, he's mad and wants to break up and the next second, he's at my door asking for forgiveness," you explained, frustrated.

Bart squeezed your hand, tapping his fingers on top yours, "you know what you need to do," he replied, giving you a serious look. you stared at him, biting your lip, "it's hard, Bart. he's going through a lot and I'll feel guilty if I just leave him," you whispered taking his hand and holding it.

"you literally fight villains for a living and you're scared of that? you know you deserve more," Bart said, "and I've seen the way you look at other girls who decide to flirt with me," he joked, trying to break the tension. "shut up, it's not even like that," you lied, making Bart even laugh more. "but seriously, you know it's not secret that I like you." you sighed, not knowing what to say as you put your head on his shoulder.

the silence wasn't exactly awkward but it wasn't comfortable either. there had been multiple times when Bart had told you his true feelings for you and every time he did, you responded with a hum or a 'okay Bart'.

it wasn't that you didn't accept his true feelings. it was far from that. you actually did like the speedster but you knew Bart could do a lot better. you knew Bart deserved someone who actually deserved him and that person wasn't you. you weren't as cute or funny as he was. he deserved someone like Cassie. smart, funny, and cute.

+

the YJ tower was completely empty aside from you and Bart. everyone was out doing their own thing. Tim and Connor were at their respective homes. Jinny and Amethyst were out doing god knows what meanwhile Keli and Cassie had gone to the movies to watch a film they both had been dying to see so that just left you and Bart in the lair to do as you pleased.

"Bart, hand me the remote," you said lazily. he handed it to you as you turned it off, getting up and stretching yourself out. Bart stared at you confused, "why'd you turn it off? I was watching that!" he exclaimed. you threw the remote across the couch and getting him up, "lets do something productive and make dinner or something," you replied enthusiastically.

Bart rolled his eyes but got up nonetheless. he followed you to the kitchen as you played music through the speakers that were built on the wall. "what're you making?" he asked, seeing you take out things that made no sense.

you looked over your options and realized you could make some kind of stew or a soup of some kind. "beef and gravy stew! we have enough things to make enough for the team and seconds for the both of us," you said, getting the things from the cupboards and having Bart start to chop every thing up.

you knew Bart was dumb but that didn't mean he wasn't a kick ass cook. there had been multiple times where he had made everyone dinner or dinner even for the two of you and it always turned out amazing. you dumped every thing that Bart had chopped up and proud it into the pot before grabbing a few things from the fridge and making the gravy that had to poured in. it didn't take long but the two of you had to wait until the pot boiled up in order for it to be ready.

the song 'telepatia' by Kali Uchis played over the speakers as you finally turned over to Bart and smiled, "we just need for it to boil and it'll be ready!" you exclaimed. he nodded as you started singing the song out loud. not particularly towards him but a warm feeling in his gut made him get butterflies as you continued.

"you know I'm just a flight away, if you want it, you can take a private plane."

you looked up to Bart, wanting to give him another smile but he quickly got rid of any questioning thoughts and went in for a kiss. you were taken back in surprise. this was the first time Bart had ever put his feelings forward and actually gave you a kiss.

his kisses were soft. they weren't rushed which was ironic considering all Bart was, was being fast and always on the move. you had placed your hands on his thighs as you made the kiss even deeper. it took you a few seconds to register what you were doing when alarms rang off in your head. you had a boyfriend and by continuing to kiss Bart, you were technically cheating on him.

"Bart no, I can't," you murmured, pushing yourself off of him. he gave you a defeated look, understanding where you coming from, "I'm sorry," you replied, going back to the food and trying to forget that you even made the move to reciprocate the kiss. in the back of your mind though, knew it that kiss meant that you had fell for Bart and hard.

+

"I have to head home, it's getting late and we patrol tomorrow night so I think it's best we head back," you whispered knowing you'd have to deal with your stingy boyfriend when you got home. Bart gave your hand one more squeeze before getting up, "see you later," Bart murmured, getting the inkling feeling that he'd probably receive a phone call tonight from you.

you nodded, making your way towards your apartment. you had a fuck ton of messages from your boyfriend and over ten missed calls by the time you sat comfortably in your couch. you finally dialed him back, instantly getting a bunch of curse words thrown at you for not picking up.

it felt like hours when the two of you finally stopped arguing with each other. it ended with you in tears and your voice hoarse as you had finally grown the nerve to break up with him. you knew for your mental health that it was time to do it and truthfully, your feelings for Bart were growing more and more every time you saw him. there was no point in continuing the relationship if you were no longer having feelings for him and although you felt guilty by doing it, you ripped it off like a band aid.

you grabbed your phone and clicked on Bart's number. Bart on the other hand shifted in his bed, seeing your contact light up his phone. he groggily picked it up, "hey," he said in that sleepy tone of his. you hiccuped, trying to control your tears, "can you come over?" you whispered, the crack of thunder scaring you shitless, "I really need someone right now."

Bart sighed, telling you to give him a minute before hanging up. Bart had no idea how many more of these late night sleepovers he had left in him. he sped over to your place, grabbing the secret key from the back of the broken piece of wood that was attached to your door frame. he opened it, seeing you sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in one hand and your hiccups still overcoming your body.

"what's wrong?" he asked. you stared at him, tears instantly rushing down your face, "I deserve to be happy right?" he nodded almost immediately, "than why do I feel so shitty because I broke up with him?" you asked.

Bart stared at you, not believing what he was hearing. you had finally broken up with that shitty boyfriend and he was the first person you contacted.

"because that's what manipulative people do ( your name )," he whispered, "they make you feel like shit for things that you didn't even do. you're perfect and he didn't deserve you or anyone like you. especially you though," he joked, bracing you even harder for a hug. he knew it would be wrong to try and make a move but gave you a kiss on the top of your head and whispered nothing but supportive things into your ear as you tried to calm yourself down.

the rain happening outside and Bart's words were lulling you to sleep as Bart hadn't even realized that you were passing out on his side. it wasn't until you hadn't moved that Bart realized you were not longer awake. he grabbed your body, lifting you up bridal style before making his way to your room.

he placed you down on your bed with every intention of just letting you sleep and him heading home but you grabbed onto his body, sleepily saying that he was going to stay here. you hadn't even said it as a question but more as a statement. he didn't argue with it; however, and he had thankfully came over in his pajamas as he scooted you over a bit and crawled in.

you smiled softly, hugging him instantly and passing out once again. Bart placed a small kiss on the top of your head before whispering into your ear, "you'll be mine one day, didn't I tell you that?" he murmured before trying to fall back asleep.

[milgrammer]

[ENG] Love is mine Voice Drama

Mahiru: [humming]

Es: [footsteps]

Mahiru: I wonder when the prison guard will arrive… 

Es: [enters] Sorry for making you wait, prisoner number 6, Mahiru. 

Mahiru: Ah, no. It’s okay. I only just got here. 

Es: What?

Mahiru: [giggles] Just then, it felt like I was waiting for my date to arrive. Kinda made my heart flutter. 

Es: I’m not exactly one to talk, but… I’m surprised that you can say such a thing despite being in this prison.

Mahiru: Really~? But, this unfamiliar setting makes things super romantic, you know? Thanks to it, every day has been such a delight.

Es: [sighs] What a carefree spirit you are. 

Mahiru: Ah! I get that a lot.

Es: Do you fully understand the situation you’re in, Mahiru? You’re a prisoner who’s killed someone. You weren’t brought here to have fun.

Mahiru: Killed someone… I guess I did… I can’t really deny it, can I? 

Es: With that being said, from on, I shall be conducting this interrogation with the purpose of revealing your sins. This sort of situation is anything, but romantic.

Mahiru: Sin… My sin… I guess so. 

Es: Milgram exists to reveal the sins of you, prisoners, and to hand down the appropriate judgement. So, for that reason, talk to me for a bit. 

Mahiru: Talk? Yay, let’s talk! Let’s talk! Prison guard, are you interested in me? That makes me so happy!

Es: Hmph. Trying to get me to go off track like that is futile. All of you prisoners do the exact same thing… Can't believe I always fall for it.

Mahiru: What are you muttering to yourself about?

Es: Nothing. [clears throat] I shall begin the interrogation now. Let’s see. First off— 

Mahiru: I’ll start! I’m Mahiru Shina, 22 years old. I might not be much good at anything, but please be kind to me.

Es: I’ll be the one asking the questions here! Ugh, no. I know exactly what’ll happen after that from Yuno’s interrogation. It’ll be okay. Just gotta calm down. 

Mahiru: Right. Now it’s your turn, prison guard.

Es: What?

Mahiru: What’s your name? Your age?

Es: [hesitates]

Mahiru: What’s your name? Your age?

Es: It’s Es. As for my age, I’m… 15, I think. 

Mahiru: 15 years old! And, you’re a prison guard at that age, are you? Despite being so young, you’re so admirable. If anything’s troubling you, you can talk it over with ‘big sis’ here, okay? 

Es: Hey, Mahiru. Why do I have to answer— 

Mahiru: Hey, hey! Is Es your real name? Could it be that you’re not Japanese? Don't you have a surname or anything? 

Es: I-I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I’m Es. I don’t know anything other than that, and I don’t need to either.  

Mahiru: What? You mean you have amnesia? Oh, you poor thing. Are sure you’re not curious about it? About yourself, I mean.

Es: Not a bit. I just tackle the work I have at hand. Sparing myself of any unnecessary information helps me concentrate better.

Mahiru: Huh? But, I’m so curious about you, prison guard. Come on, let’s do it! Let’s get to know more about you, prison guard.

Es: Get to know… about me?

[piercing sound]

Mahiru: Prison guard? What’s wrong?

Es: [hesitates]

Mahiru: Hey… Prison guard?

Es: Oh… yeah. Uh… I apologise for that. 

Mahiru: Did you zone out just then? This job must be pretty difficult, so you might be mentally burned out from work. Herbal tea’s good for that, you know? Oh! Like ginkgo tea—they say it helps improve brain function. 

Es: Oh, is that so? I’ll try a bit then… I mean, no! Enough about me. We’re in the middle of an interrogation at the moment.

Mahiru: Aw, what? But, it was just getting fun.

Es: I mean, why are you asking me questions anyway? Know your place here. 

Mahiru: But… But, you know, prison guard… I think having a mutual understanding of each other is pretty important. Prison guard, you want to know more about me, right?

Es: Well… Something like that.

Mahiru: That makes me so happy! Ah… No, that’s not what I was meant to say… In order for you to do that, getting to know each other would be the first step. Don’t you think? If I get to know lots about you, prison guard, then there will be more things I want to talk to you about. 

Es: Hm. That’s true. I guess that sort of approach might be quite effective on some people. 

Mahiru: Exactly! So, first things first, you should gather up all your courage and be completely transparent about yourself. Doing so will make your partner feel at ease, and they’ll start opening up about themselves more. 

Es: Is that so? ‘Self-disclosure reciprocity’ as we call it then? But, well…  Isn’t this quite the surprise? I didn’t expect you to be so well-versed on matters related to the human psyche.

Mahiru: Huh? S-self-disclosure reciprocity?

Es: In order to gain a deeper understanding of you, prisoners, I was trying to add whatever I could to my stock of knowledge. It was mentioned in one of the publications I read during that time. 

Mahiru: Really~? Prison guard, you’ve read it too? I’ve also read that one. That issue titled 1000 Kanto Girls’ Views on Love was so good, wasn’t it?

Es: [hesitates] What on earth is that?

Mahiru: What? So, you haven’t read it? Lain’s (1) special collection of romantic techniques!

Es: Lain? 

Mahiru: Yeah! Lain. It’s my favourite thing to read. “Fashion, trends, fortune-telling. This special collection on romance has articles about everything. If you wanna make yourself sparkle even more... Then, this women's magazine will help you get there!” 

Es: [sighs] So, it was all just a misunderstanding. Ignore what I said earlier then. 

Mahiru: Oh, that’s right! Prison guard, are you interested in romance at all? I wanna talk about it with you. You’re 15, aren’t you? Right in the heat of adolescence! Do you have anyone you like?  

Es: I honestly have no interest in those matters. 

Mahiru: What? No, no. There’s no such thing as that. Being in love is like a landmine. It'll explode someday, you know? The only thing that differs is whether it happens earlier or later in life. It’ll happen to you too. Even if you don’t have any interest in it now, one day it’ll explode for you as well. All because you’ll have that fateful encounter with your special someone.

Es: You sure do run your mouth a lot, don't you?

Mahiru: Yeah, yeah. You’ll deny it at first. I mean, I was like that as well. Before then, I always admired soap operas and shoujo manga because I thought that they depicted a world different from our own. 

Es: I don’t completely understand what you’re saying, but… Being in love and loving someone—are they really that important? 

Mahiru: They are.

Es: Hm.

Mahiru: They are… More so than anything else.

Es: I see now. [shifts] So, for you… that’s what it is. Prisoner number 6, Mahiru. 

Mahiru: Hm? What is?

Es: Somehow… After interrogating several people, I’ve started to get a rough idea of it. What you lot cherish, that is. 

Mahiru: So, what I cherish is ‘love’—is that what you’re saying? [giggles] Correct! It’s not like I was trying to cover it up or anything though. 

Es: Very well, does your homicide stem from love too? 

Mahiru: [pauses] I… guess it did. I think it was love. 

Es: So, because of love, you killed someone? 

Mahiru: I suppose… you’re right?

Es: I see. So, you became a murderer as a result of some relationship conflicts? Jealousy… Grudges… Having your partner stolen from you… Those stories aren't all that uncommon now are they? 

Mahiru: You’re wrong. It wasn’t that. I…never even wanted to kill anyone in the first place! 

Es: [pauses]

Mahiru: I just… I was… just being myself

Es: What do you mean by that?

Mahiru: [pauses] Not telling. After all, I still don’t know you that well, prison guard. 

Es: Hm. We should have a “mutual understanding” of each other, right? 

Mahiru: [giggles] Exactly!

Es: A troublesome one, aren’t you. But, that's fine with me. What are your own thoughts about it then? Do you think what you’ve done could be forgiven? Or was it absolutely unforgivable? 

Mahiru: Hmm. If you can’t forgive me for what I’ve done, then there’s no point in living—to be honest. [laughs] 

Es: So, if you can't kill anyone, there’s no point in you living—is that what you mean? My, oh, my… What a dangerous species you are.  

Mahiru: Oh, no! Uh… Those words actually sound kinda scary now that I think about it. I don’t want to kill anyone or do anything of the sort! But… 

Es: Hm

Mahiru: It's because I've… decided that I’m going to live for the sake of love.

Es: For the sake of love? 

Mahiru: I… discovered how amazing it was to be in love with someone. It’s incredible, you know? Each and every day seemed to sparkle and everything became so vibrant. It transforms such mundane sceneries into those out of soap operas and films! 

Es: I didn’t follow any of that.

Mahiru: [disappointed] I have a pretty poor vocabulary, so I can't describe it beyond clichéd phrases. But, I’m sure you’ll understand, prison guard! Once you fall in love, you’ll definitely get it! 

Es: Well, I wonder. 

Mahiru: Being in love is… If there was no such thing as love, then my life would be so bland. So, if you say that I won't be allowed it anymore, then there’s no point in me living. 

Es: Even if your love killed someone?

Mahiru: You’re so mean, aren’t you? 

Es: It was your love which killed someone, right? Despite that, will you still try to love another person? 

Mahiru: [thinks] Actually,  I was hoping you could tell me the answer to that, prison guard... If what I did was unforgivable. 

Es: What?

Mahiru: If my love could possibly kill someone, then I… shouldn't ever love another person again, I guess?

Es: [pauses]

Mahiru: Hey, prison guard, please tell me. If I love someone, is that something unforgivable?

Es: I don’t know. From the beginning, I never really understood what you were saying. 

Mahiru: Oh, I see... I guess so. There's something wrong with me, right? You can't understand me, right? 

Es: Yeah… as of now. 

Mahiru: Huh?

Es: As of now, I don't understand you—that’s what I’m saying. But, I will soon. Just wait and see. 

Mahiru: [excited]

Es: To be honest, the topics brought up in this interrogation were entirely outside my area of expertise. And, for that reason, I might have to deepen my understanding of it—just as you said. 

Mahiru: Prison guard…

Es: I’m your prison guard. Even if I have an aversion to something or if there’s something I can’t understand, I won’t just hopelessly give up on you like that… Not until I’ve judged your sins, and decided on whether I forgive them or not.

Mahiru: [happy] Does that mean you’ll always keep your eyes on me? 

Es: What? Well, it’s my duty after all. 

Mahiru: [exclaims] 

Es: What is it? 

Mahiru: My heart skipped a beat. 

Es: Just what on earth are you saying? 

Mahiru: I… guess I love people who are so enthusiastic about their work. 

Es: You… You’re messing with me, aren’t you? 

Mahiru: Ah, this isn’t good. Be careful, okay? Um… Um… If you’re that kind to me, you could die as well. Just—kidding?  

Es: I wasn’t trying to be kind to you or anything like that. I just downright, from beginning to end, had no idea what you were saying. However, I will promise you this. Rest assured. No matter what you do or what you think, I won’t die. 

Mahiru: [happy sound] 

Es: Because I’m Milgram’s prison guard—that’s why.  

Mahiru: [exclaims]

[mechanical noises]

Mahiru: W-what is this? Is it because my love exploded? 

Es: No. It’s the end of the interrogation. For goodness sake… And as always, things never go as I planned, do they? With you prisoners, I mean.

Mahiru: Uh… Um… This is what’ll be extracting songs, right? But, I’m not that good at singing though?

Es: It won't necessarily be you the one singing. Your mental landscape will present itself in the form of songs and videos—that’s all. 

Mahiru: So, you're gonna see everything… That's a little embarrassing. 

Es: Well, I don't know about that. The personal experiences I see, how true-to-life the videos are and their degree of abstraction—that all depends on the person. They might even depend on how each of you perceives your own sins.

Mahiru: Is that so? 

Es: Either way, I intend to find out what this world of yours looks like. 

Mahiru: I see. I see. I wanna watch it too. Because, for me, a world filled with love will be such a beautiful place. Oh! Prison guard, I’m sure you’ll understand how amazing love is through it as well. 

Es: Hmm. I’m looking forward to it.

Mahiru: Huh? That was unusually sincere of you.

Es: I just have a thirst for knowledge, that's all. Learning things you didn't know before is quite fun, don't you think? In order for me to understand the lot of you, I have to acquire knowledge from various fields. And, that's not exactly a bad thing in my books.

Mahiru: Really? I… guess I love studious people as well. 

Es: Shut it. 

Mahiru: You’re so mean.

Es: [sighs] The way I let you talk non-stop like that, it makes me feel like I didn't do my job properly. But, I'll ask you this just in case. Is there anything left you'd like to say? 

Mahiru: Ah… Um… Just one thing.

Es: Oh wow. You still have more to say?

Mahiru: Um… Uh, you know… Would it be okay for me to call you ‘Es’?

Es: No comment! [footsteps] Prisoner number 6, Mahiru. Come now. Sing your sins! 

As far as I’m aware, this isn’t a real publication, so unless Mahiru states the official romanisation of this author/publisher, I can only assume what it might be. I’ll update it if she does. Some alternatives might be Lane, Rein, Rain, Layne, etc. Don’t quote me on this, but I suspect that they might’ve based the magazine Mahiru reads on ‘Laurier Press’. ‘Lain’ looks similar to ‘Laurier’, so that’s why I chose it.

[moonlightflower21]

ease my mind

a/n: angst. mentions of death. stabbings. all that good stuff. also includes mafia turtles. might not make sense but people wanted to read it so 🤷‍♀️😂

but anyway, as calm and collected and stoic leo can be, he has his weak points. he isn't immune to panic attacks or bad thoughts. enjoy!

How could this have happened? His world felt like it had crumbled to the very ground, turned into dust and flown mockingly into the air. Reminding how useless he truly was.

Leonardo watched his brothers follow inside the living room, Raph grabbing an ice pack to cool the knife cut bleeding out on his bicep. Mikey winced as he got rid of his waistcoat, untying his tie and letting it hang limply. His shirt was stained more in red than white, indicating his wound was deeper than he originally thought. Yet none of them spoke a word, barely even glancing in the leaders direction.

Leonardo looked at his team, most specifically Raphael. He had been quiet which had certainly been unlike him. Raph was never one to show how angry he was, always giving his opinion regardless of the topic so the silence coming from him was deafening.

"You good?" Leo's voice was slightly shaky not used to his hot headed brother being so silent about the obvious fail they just encountered.

Dark amber eyes connected with his and Leo didn't need to be a genius to know there was fury brewing behind those honeyed irises. Taking a breath in, he opened his mouth to say something but he noticed something else swirling into those eyes. Defeat.

"I'm sorry about.... You know I had-" "Fuck ya. That's.... all I gotta say ta ya. Yer really got some nerve ta put this on someone else. Get one thing straight, we're not indestructible. Not me or ya or Don or Mikey. But why am I wastin my breath on ya? Whatever I tell ya, yer just gonna go ahead and do the opposite. Like yer always do. And I'm gonna be the one ta help ya when yer run in ta issues. Like I always do" Raphael sneered, his hands in tight fists to control his temper. His tone was accusing, malicious towards Leo. And no one cane blame him.

"I'm not gonna bother waiting my time or energy bein' here. I can't do this no more" His harsh voice dropped to a whisper at the last sentence and he's not sure whether it's directed to his brother or to himself. He wanted to say something but nothing would be able to console how he's feeling tonight. Raph clenched his arm tightly, placing pressure in the damaged skin before pushing past his brother and to his own private room.

"Wait!" But the terrapin had left. Turning back to the rest of his team, Leo hoped he could explain what had happened. But their looks were cold and heartless.

Mikey stood tall, his stare in a hardened frown. He let out a small grunt, plastron burning with pain on his ride side.

"Look I'm-" "I've always stood by your decisions, always respected your commands and orders. But tonight was a fucking shit show and had you not lost focus, those innocent lives wouldn't have been taken. Some leader you are" Mikey scoffed, hands tingling with urges to beat the living shit out of someone. Leonardo stood, his brain unable to form comprehensible sentences to his answer. Was that how he truly felt?

"Mikey..." "Don't 'Mikey' me Leonardo. You were right after all. We may be brothers but we are not a team. Thank you for opening my eyes to that tonight" He snarled, a shaky breath as he applied too much pressure to his plastron. He swallowed hard, mind overflowing with poisonous thoughts suffocating his mind. Begging to be in a safe place but he couldn't find any. He didn't think he could ever feel safe anywhere. Not with his brothers or his family.

"Leave me alone. I have nothing to speak to you about, nor do I want to see your face tonight" Mikey uttered sharply, refusing to show any pain despite actively bleeding. He left in the other direction, retiring to his own personal chambers for the night. Leonardo gritted his teeth, trying to hold himself together. Trying to hold his composture together but it was dangerously close to crashing down. Maybe Donatello would listen. He was always good at reading people. Hopefully he could lend an ear before Leo's thoughts drive him insane.

"Don-" "I don't know what you wish to hear Leonardo. Me to say that it went good? That everything went well?? Raph nearly lost an arm, Mikey only has a new painful scar to his collection. You know how bad his plastron is damaged?? There's only so much that can be done to help it. And as for myself... well I'll let it speak for itself" Donnie lifted the side of his shirt, emitting a soft gasp from the eldest in absolute horror.

The wound was weeping, blood trickling down his abdomen soaking the rim of his pants. Leo's heart fell to the ground, his teeth sinking in his bottom lip to stop any vulnerability coming to light. Only know has it registered how much danger he had selfishly placed all his brothers in.

"But none of this matters to you does it? We're just soldiers to command, to help-" "That's not true Donatello!" Leo's voice came as a hoarse whisper, clenching his fingers tightly. Had his brother looked close enough, he would have seen Leonardo teetering off the edge of his sanity. The tremble in his body, the shaking of his arms despite how strong he stood, his eyes turning a deep blue emotionally overwhelmed.

"Isn't it?? Because the way I see it, you seem to have completely placed us at the sidelines. What happened to family? What happened to looking out for each other? What happened to your honour Leonardo?? These words you held with great pride are nothing but a jumbled mess of letters at your feet. If you cannot practise what you preach then I highly recommend you stop pretending otherwise. Excuse me, some of us have to help his family" Donatello frowned, walking past the blue cladded turtle to help his injured family members.

Leonardo's breath hitched, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes and spilling down quietly his cheeks. Honour, justice, family.... these words were for heros. Words for people that helped their country, he didn't do any of those things. He was a villain, killing himself slowly with his actions.

Moments like these reminded of his haunted childhood, how Splinter berating him for being worthless, how he would never accumulate to anything. Tonight those very words repeated like a record in his brain, unable to pause or freeze and he sat there listening to it all. Because it was true. He wasn't some warrior or a soldier, he was a mistake. And those horrible words ring in his head like an alarm, he didn't deserve to live.

Leo made questionable decisions tonight but his brothers didn't know how much burden he carried on his shoulders. He wouldn't forget those who passed tonight nor did he forget the injuries inflicted on his brother because of him. Was this how he wanted his life to be? Was this worth the pain and failures? And no matter how much those humans had wronged him, he swore to never turn like Splinter had done. Though now he could see himself follow in those very footsteps, heart twisted with evil and brutal thoughts.

They all lay heavy on his mind, constantly mocking and torturing of him of the leadership he once held with great importance and dedication. But now it started to disintegrate, proving his worst fear true that he was simply unable to protect his loved ones. That he couldn't even help himself. He could feel himself spiralling out of control and its times like these, he wished someone would hold him tight Ground him to reality, pushing those thoughts out of his body instead of laying low waiting to strike at his most weakest.

There he sat, sinking further and further into the pit of depair and self-hatred wondering if anyone could ever rescue him from this prison.

Wondering if he ever deserved to feel any happiness.

Wondering if he was better off being alone.

[vancampemily]

Emily VanCamp On Reprising Her Role As Sharon Carter And Those Power Broker Theories

Sharon Carter’s dark, bitter, and vengeful return in ‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’ could mean many things—or nothing at all.

You’re always one decision away from a totally different life, and that rule applies doubly in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. A simple choice in the heat of the moment can have grave consequences for our beloved heroes; Peter Quill punching Thanos just as Iron Man and Spider-Man almost pull the Infinity gauntlet off the villain’s hand is a hotly debated Twitter topic every other week. The current Marvel conflict on everyone’s tongue? Why on Earth is Sharon Carter (Emily VanCamp) an enemy of the state, when the Avenger who got her in this mess in the first place is roaming his past life worry-free?

Last we saw Sharon, she was the wide-eyed, determined Agent 13 of S.H.I.E.L.D. and a CIA operative whose loyalty to Steve Rogers/Captain America (Chris Evans) prompted her to defy the Sokovia Accords and steal Cap’s shield and Falcon’s wings from the government. Her allegiance to Steve landed her a kiss from the Avenger but not without controversy: Sharon is the grandniece of Peggy Carter, Steve’s true love and the woman he traveled back in time to be with at the end of Endgame. Sharon’s blink-and-you’ll-miss-it romance with Steve was just as short-lived as her residence in the MCU timeline, but thanks to the newest Disney+ series, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Sharon gets a second life—just not the one the former S.H.I.E.L.D. agent envisioned.

When we meet Sharon in episode 3, titled “Power Broker,” the glow of the woman who longed to live up to her grand-aunt’s accomplishments is eclipsed by a dark cloud. She’s traded in her button-up shirts for hoodies and operates as an art thief out of a sprawling mansion in the eerie fictional town of Madripoor. She hasn’t spoken to her family members in months. When Sam reminds her he was also on the run, she reminds him, “Was. Is. Big difference.” She’s cynical, bitter, and vengeful, which apparently turned her into a stone-cold killer. She murders three bounty hunters with a steel bar and darts a knife into the shoulder of another. Sharon Carter is long gone, her one driving force the desire to be pardoned. Who is this new person? Well, Marvel devotees have their theories. Ahead, Emily VanCamp talks reprising her role as Sharon Carter, those Power Broker theories, and more.

Let’s go back to your Marvel introduction. What qualities initially drew you to the character of Sharon Carter?

I loved her dedication and devotion to Cap [and] to the cause. She was in this bloodline of agents, and this kick-ass woman who was a little bit more idealistic at the time. Now some of those qualities have been stripped away, unfortunately, based on her circumstances and the sacrifices she made. She’s wondering whether or not it was all worth it. She feels abandoned.

Knowing what she knows now, especially with Cap out of the MCU timeline, do you think Sharon would have made a different choice in Civil War?

I don’t think so. One of the things I love about her is her integrity. And to her, that’s what she believed in and that’s what she thought was the right thing to do. So I think it’s less about Steve and more about her devotion to the cause at that time. No, I don’t think she would go back and do anything differently. Do I think that the character would have liked a little bit of help, with all these other characters being pardoned, and she’s just sort of been left on the run as this fugitive? Yeah, I think her reaction to it would have changed. But I don't think she would have changed her choices.

At the end of Avengers: Endgame, Sam and Bucky were able to get closure from Captain America. Do you ever wonder what closure would look like for Sharon, had she had the opportunity?

I’m sure she would have wanted that, but I think that she's moved on from that. Now she just wants to be pardoned to get her life back. That ship has sailed in so many ways for Sharon, and we don't even really address [Steve and her] in the show. It’s so much more about where she is now and how to move forward and make that deal with Sam: Listen, I’ll help you out if you can get me out of here. [Sam and Bucky] are on this mission and she's reluctantly helping them, and that’s what the dynamic is now. Does she want to? Probably not. But is it her ticket out? Probably.

What did you have to understand about her mindset now in order to play her in this new phase?

I think it was just important for me, one, that we address all this time that’s passed and kind of discuss, “Where has she been? What has she been doing?” And we talk about it a little bit in episode 3, that she’s been hustling and dealing in stolen art and living in Madripoor. You get the sense that things have not been easy on Sharon. And she’s definitely made her way and she’s thrived in this environment, but it’s not an environment she would have chosen. She was sort of, in her mind, left behind, so there’s a chip on her shoulder that I think it would be really hard to get rid of at this point. And she even says at one point, “The superhero thing is a joke.” She’s definitely lost that kind of idealistic, young agent mind.

How did you prepare for that change in her?

I think it’s great to dig a little bit deeper into all these characters and their perspectives. And with Sharon, it’s so much about her resentment and her tenacity. She’s thrived in this new environment, even though it’s not ideal. So that’s something that’s carried through in her personality. She didn’t lose that. But I think just her goals, her thoughts have just changed.

What is a Marvel training session like? Sharon killed so many bounty hunters by herself.

It was months of prepping even for that sequence in episode 3. Sharon doesn’t have superpowers, so everything is just with her bare hands. We wanted it to look as gritty and raw and real as possible, so we trained a lot. Every day that I wasn’t shooting Falcon or The Resident, I was in that training center going over choreography, doing the footwork, doing boxing, doing jujitsu, all the things that I need to do to prep my body and mind for those sequences. You hope that when you get there to shoot it, that muscle memory and that adrenaline kicks in, and off you go. But Marvel is amazing at preparing you for those moments. I was welcomed to go and train every moment I could, and I did. But to have that available is just such a gift, especially when you've got a sequence like that, where you can't really hide from anything. It’s just you.

Sharon’s dark return reminded me of your Revenge character Emily Thorne. Do you prefer these darker roles over characters like Nicolette in the soapy drama The Resident?

They’re all so different. I think that’s part of what I like—just embodying totally different characters. Revisiting Sharon was very cool because we get to see her, as you said, in this totally different light. I don’t have any sort of preference. It was definitely difficult because last year I was doing Falcon and Winter Soldier and The Resident at the same time, so sometimes getting home at night I was a little bit screwy in my brain as to where I was headed the next day and what mind frame I should be in. But it’s not to say I enjoy playing one more than the other. It was fun to get back to Sharon, though, and see this new, kind of hardened version of her.

What was it like shooting both The Resident and Falcon in the middle of a pandemic?

Even before the pandemic, it was hard because it’s two different characters, one of them being very, very physical, so even that in itself was a challenge. Then the pandemic happened, and luckily I didn’t have to do both at the same time. We only had about a month left on Falcon and Winter Soldier, and I finished that up and then went straight into The Resident. It was nerve-racking going back to work after months of being isolated and at home, but also really nice to have a sense of normalcy. Even though it’s not normal at all on set anymore, it’s nice to be around my colleagues, to be at work. We’re kind of lucky to be able to do that and just to deliver new content. Everyone’s streaming everything Marvel. It's made our jobs a little bit more challenging, but also more rewarding in many ways because we’re able to deliver that joy.

When you pay close attention to Falcon’s episode titles, they’ve been very descriptive of each episode. So when the third episode was titled “Power Broker” and we see Sharon return, Marvel theorists ran with it.

We see Sharon return. We see Zemo return. It’s kind of like, yeah, episode 3 was always a big blast of so many things. There’s a ton of theories going around.

Have you ever envisioned Sharon going to the dark side, going against the heroes? What do you make of those theories?

Sharon’s always been this kind of idealistic personality, but I also think there are so many gray areas now between heroes and villains, and that’s something these Marvel shows are really exploring more in-depth. I think anyone at this point is capable of anything. There are so many characters that haven't even appeared yet. There's a lot going on in these six episodes. So for me, I don’t want to say too much because there’s just so much more to come.

source

[pennemac]

walk through fire for you (just let me adore you)

Chapter 1 ▪︎Even At 3am

Series Summary- This is my first attempt at writing with criminal minds characters! The show has recently become one of my favorite things to write and ramble about. This is a series of works that are written around an autistic Spencer Reid, and his journey's of finding comfort and joy within his team.

Chapter Summary- Spencer finally reaches out when he's struggling with a bout of sensory overload. It takes a whole lot of courage on his part and a good dose of platonic love from his boss to calm him down. (ft. Spencer's stuffed axolotl)

Warnings/Topics- Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Talk of sensory issues, Crying, The beginnings of a panic attack, Platonic cuddling, A good dose of Hotch being a dad through and through :)

I post these on ao3 first! my ao3 is here

Word Count- 1.9k

There's a light pattering of the beginning of a storm outside of the hotel room window, and Spencer is so tired. He has been, in fact, for the last two days, 16 hours, and 43 minutes. 

If Spencer was any semblance of normal, he thinks, he would probably be soothed by the little sounds of rain, but he's not. In fact, it's angering him. It's a constant white noise sound, like television static, but worse, because it can't just be turned off by the click of a button. He isn't even entirely sure why it's making him as mad as it is. 

The sound itself is even making him acutely aware of the way unfamiliar sheets feel against his legs, and the way his hair won't stay out of his face. It's alot, honestly. With every second that passes, the rain makes him more and more upset. None of his usual tactics of calming down have worked so far, either. 

He hasn't been able to read, because his brain felt like it was being drowned out by the sounds of rain against various outdoor surfaces. Music, though he'd never been a huge fan of anything other than soft piano, had also felt as though it was simply accompanying the rain, assisting it in it's attempt to make him breakdown. 

It starts out like this, usually. The discomfort, leading into being easily aggravated, but from then it's everything setting him off. Rain, the constant chatter of a room filled with busy police officers, the ticking of a clock, the texture of his pants, or sheets, or any unfamiliarity. 

He's been trying to sleep for days, but he hasn't been able to. To combat this, he'd been consuming copious amounts of coffee. This had made him more twitchy, antsy, than he had been before. His hands now, even, shake as he throws the blankets and sheets off of his legs. 

The frustration reaches it's peak though, when he has to struggle to pull his socks off of his feet, and tears fall from his eyes as he leans back onto the bed. As he tries his best to just breathe, he remembers how Hotch had separated him from the rest of their team, pulling him aside and out of the crowded room, as if he'd had an innate sense that he hadn't been doing well. 

"Do you need to leave, Reid? I won't make you stay here if it's not going to be beneficial for others or for yourself." 

He hadn't managed to give a complete answer, just nodding, hands curling into his pant legs. "Go with Morgan to the mortuary. I was going to send him alone but the quiet of a car will do you good." 

His boss had moved to lay a hand onto his shoulder, deciding not to when Spencer had visibly flinched. "I am completely serious when I say that you have to stop over exerting yourself. It does nobody any good when you render yourself useless to others." 

Spencer had frowned, not exactly happy with being reprimanded, but he knew that Aaron was certainly correct. 

"Beyond that, though, I understand. I made an agreement when I hired you into this team that I'd be here when you need me. You have to reach out to someone when it's necessary." 

So now, as he sits in the dark of his room, he does his best to remind himself that it's okay to reach out when he needs someone. His hands are shaky as he finds his bosses contact and presses call before he can over think it. 

It's answered fairly quickly. "Reid? What's going on?" 

"I'm- it's not anything serious I'm just… I think I'm gonna have a panic attack and I haven't slept for nearly three days, I don't know how to stop it." 

He knows how weak his voice sounds, and he hates it. His hands clench and unclench in his bedsheets. Tears continue to slip down his face and his shoulders and neck feel tense. 

He hears a the rustling of sheets on the other side of the call before he gets a response. "Can you come up here? You know my room number, yes?" 

"Yeah. Yeah, I do." 

"Okay, come up to my room, then. You're gonna be okay." 

He nods, only realizing afterwards that Hotch couldn't actually see it. He tosses his own phone into the open duffle bag by the foot of his bed. The room he's in is uncomfortably dark, and he hesitates for a moment before he moves to reach into the black bag, pulling out a small-ish stuffed axolotl. 

It's soft, and the eyes are embroidered, rather than buttons or beads, so they feel nice for his hands to run over. The texture is soft but smooth, and he's grateful that it's that rather than shaggy or rough. 

When he's made it up onto the third floor, rather than the second, where his room was, his embarrassment levels had risen and by the time he'd made it up to the door, he heavily considered turning back. 

Spencer's grateful when he only has to knock once for the door to open. 

Hotch stands in the doorway, and this is probably the only time that Spencer would ever see him in just sweatpants and a soft shirt. 

He moves out of the way once he realizes who it is, letting him walk into the room. 

His boss moves in front of him, to sit on the large bed in the middle of the dimly lit space. 

"What animal is that?" He points vaguely at the pink stuffed animal clutched in shaky hands. 

Spencer stands awkwardly across from the bed, his hands fiddling gently with the eyes and the tail of the toy. "It's, uhm… an axolotl. Penelope got it for me cause she knows textures I like and don't like." 

Hotch gently sits back to make room for him. He pats the empty space, hoping that Spencer will take the invitation to sit. He does, watching his own hands as if avoiding looking up at his coworker. 

"Do you wanna talk about what's been happening? It's okay if you don't want to talk about it, but it can be a good distraction." 

He nods slowly, tucking his legs in to sit cross legged. "I- the rain. It's like… t.v. static. I haven't been able to sleep because the sheets are so unfamiliar…" 

One hand moves up to hardly brush a tear from his cheek. God, he hates this. Vulnerability doesn't come easy to him, it never has. He knows how tight his breathing is, and that realistically he should start breathing deeper to ensure that he doesn't become light headed but- it's a lot easier to say than to do. 

"Can I touch your hands, Spencer?" 

The man in question gives an affirmative nod and watches as hands slightly larger than his own come into his line of vision, wrapping around one hand that isn't wrapped around the body of a stuffed animal.

"I know it's tough, but can you breath for me? Just a few deep breaths?" 

Fingers flex between Aaron's own, squeezing in what he's fairly certain is an effort to ground himself. 

Tears drop down steadily still, and one lands softly on the back of Hotch's hand. 

A thumb circles slowly in the dip of where Spencer's hand meets his wrist. "I do hate to seem any kind of strict right now, but… Spencer, I know how hard it is to tell us when you start struggling. What I need you to know though, is that when Gideon agreed to have you on this team, and when I made the decision to keep you here, we knew exactly what we were doing." 

A small sob comes from Spencer, and it deepens Aaron's own frown. 

"You are an incredible asset to our team. You are the driving force to solving most cases we come across. There's nothing you could do, or show, or say, to us that would make us value or love you any less. If that means this, or telling us you need a break, or letting through more tendencies or quirks when we're working- all of that is good. You do so good, I jus-" 

He's cut off abruptly when his hands are shaken away and Spencer all but tackles him into a hug, arms wrapping around his neck and face pressing into his shoulder. 

"And here I thought you were always so worried about germs." 

Spencer sobs lightly, tears dampening the material under his face. His legs rest on the outside of Aaron's thighs, his weight settled on his legs. The man below him tentatively brings hands around his back to envelope him in a hug, hands rubbing down to ease the tension where he can. 

"It's- it's so much." 

And this, at least, Aaron can understand. His breathing doesn't even out more than it had, and Aaron would be much more worried if he didn't know that at least in some sense, this would tire him out. So, instead of urging him to calm down as he'd mistakenly done before, when he was less aware of Spencer's diagnosis, he takes a different route. 

"Spencer, name 3 things you can feel." 

Light sniffles come and shaky breaths still echo in his right ear, but he moves to where his mouth won't be muffled. 

"That method of- of calming people down is something they use on kids-" 

"Three things, Reid." 

He huffs a little bit, but obeys. "Your hands." He shifts where he sits. "The- uhm, the bedsheets under my knees." 

One hand goes up to his face, pulling strands of hair back to tuck it behind his ear. "My face is really warm." 

Even though Spencer was right, the method of describing different sensory inputs was something people use on children, it was working well enough for him that Aaron wasn't going to stop using it. 

"Three things you can see?" 

He lifts his head from the shoulder it had been resting on, eyes moving around the room. He looks down slightly. "My hands are shaking." A glance to the left, afterwards, "My stuffed animal is to your left." 

"And your lamp is on, but it's… dim." 

His voice is soft, and it makes him seem small. He feels small too, body trembling under Aaron's hands. 

"Can you smell anything?" 

Spencer moves his head in a gesture of affirmation. "Your cologne." He pauses to pull in a deep breath. "Cleaning products, several." 

He's breathing is beginning to fade into a normal pace, and there's less shake to his voice. 

"Taste?" 

"Mint… my uh, my toothpaste. Coffee." 

Strong hands move up to his shoulders and neck, massaging lightly into the skin there. 

"Hm. What about sounds?" 

There's a silence in the room now. Spencer sits up slightly with realization. "The rain. It's not raining anymore." 

"Mhm. Maybe the universe listened to you, for once." 

He nods softly. 

They sit like this for a moment, Spencer relaxing into the pressure of Aaron's hands, his tears slowly to a stop. 

"Can I… Stay in here? I don't think I'll be able to sleep alone." 

Hotch gives a single nod, and it would have seemed curt, but his face is soft. "Of course." 

Spencer moves slowly off of him, fumbling for the pink toy before he lays down completely. 

Hotch moves to do the same, but notes briefly the distance that had been put between them. "You can come back over here, y'know." 

A tense breath was released and it brings a small smile onto the older mans face as he feels Spencer wiggle back up to his side, one arm laying over his stomach and a head resting against his chest. He takes the opportunity to wrap arm back around slender shoulders, only after lightly brushing stay strands of hair behind Spencer's ear.

"Goodnight, kid." 

"Night Hotch."