#I can't pull joy out of myself to try to even be a full time developer anymore

[millerflintstone]

I just sent back my signed contract for the technical writer gig. It's for a paid test 10 hour project so we can both see if we're a fit for each other, which I like. I kinda thought that's what the next step would be in the first company's interview process but it wasn't.

I didn't really talk about how that interview went on here. Just realized that! It was only 30 minutes long. I met with the director of documentation and senior technical writer. It was structured so cleanly - 3 specific questions, about 10 -15 minutes of the director explaining what areas they work in, any questions I had and then any follow up questions they had.

There was none of the song and dance selling of yourself that was expected. They could see I have database experience and asked a couple of questions about that. They also asked about my writing experience. I explained that I had not produced any external/ customer facing documents but that they were all internal for fellow developers and QA folks. I also added that it wasn't documentation that was requested / assigned to me. I just created it because there was a need. They didn't even need to see a portfolio or writing samples.

In the follow up questions, the technical writer was SO SURPRISED that I created documentation on my own. It's honestly what I do for myself in a haphazard and understandable-to-me way anyway. I'm never able to remember all of the fine details of stuff so I create my own notes/ cheat sheets / likely over-document my own code. The things I created people told me were helpful. I am not a fan of information living in one person to where if something happened to that person, people were screwed.

So, we shall see. It will take up to 2 weeks for their side to sign things and get the project Statement of Work ready. And then from there we'll collaborate on a date that works for us both.

I'm glad I decided to take the plunge into freelancing for this. The way the job market is, I seriously doubt I'd find a job doing what I want to try out. This way, I can take my small steps and assess without the stress of having to be in a job that I hate until I can find a different one.

Friday my test scoring gig starts and that's a steady 9 -5:30 through the 24th. No weekends, so I can work on the other content writing thing over the weekend, too.

[genericpuff]

Do you have any tips for beginner artists? Also I love your art style

Reference lots! There's no 'learning how to draw', only learning how to study and reference things you want to draw. Even experienced artists are constantly pulling up references and tools to assist them in their process, it's not all drawing from imagination, there's research involved!

And keep in mind that no matter the style of the work you're studying and learning from, the core foundations of drawing - composition, structure, perspective, anatomy, lighting, and color - will usually always be present in some way. Learn to identify those foundations, even if you're not actively trying to learn them directly, because that identification process is part of referencing.

Keep your old art! Always! You don't have to save every absent-minded doodle or scribble, but any time you create a piece of art that feels significant to you, hold onto it! If you have sketchbooks full of old drawings that are taking up space in your home and you can't justify keeping, scan what's inside / take photos and store them digitally! Don't let hindsight after you've improved tarnish the joy you had making it! It just gives you something wonderful to look back on so you can see how much you've grown (even when you feel like you haven't; if you cringe looking at your older stuff, that means growth HAS happened! And that's good!)

As for specific learning tools, there's no single "one size fits all" approach to improving your craft. It's more like a patchwork quilt that you have to weave yourself from all the things you reference and get inspired by over years of trial and error. For myself, that quilt looks something like this:

That said, this is my quilt, for you, it'll look very different! Maybe online tutorials are a much bigger patch, or maybe some of the patches seen here are completely absent from others (and alternatively, maybe there are patches that I DON'T have that another person might!) The point of it though is to get across that getting better at art and "learning how to draw" isn't achievable through one single means.

I've said this in previous posts, but this is why I try to stay away from the blanket advice "just practice", because it doesn't truly convey how to practice properly - if you're exclusively practicing the same stuff every day, then there's a lot of other elements you don't even realize you could be missing out on that could benefit you. It would be like trying to become a world-class chef just by cooking omelettes all day - you'd be really good at cooking omelettes, but if you want to learn how to cook a perfectly-seasoned medium rare filet mignon, knowing how to cook omelettes isn't going to contribute to that at all.

I know all of that is both specific and vague, but I hope it can help you find your direction in your learning! Ask yourself what art you like, what you really want to learn, and how the art you like can help you learn it. Don't just look at an art piece and go "cool", really look at it and learn to identify the foundations within it, find the "why" in your praise. It can and will benefit you in your own art journey along the way because the better you get at analyzing the world around you, the better you get at analyzing your own work and where it can improve, and most importantly, how you can improve it ヽ(・∀・)��

[seenoversundown]

For Death Or Glory : Chapter Thirteen

Jake Kiszka x Charlotte (Fem OC)

Warnings: 18+ Smut (a small amount of masturbation) Alcohol / Drinking, Suggestive conversations, dicking around on the job, Mentions of Sexual preferences, Flirting, Fluff, terrible dad jokes, and unfortunate amounts of pirate comments.

Word Count: 4k

Summary: Jake is still reeling from the events of the night before, when Charlotte rolls up with a wonderful proposition that he could NEVER refuse. Leading them into a fun game that helps him get through the rest of the night.

Author's Note: THE GAMES HAVE BEGUN. They really are so precious and watching them learn how to interact with each other has me giggling and kicking my feet. (even though I'm quite literally in charge of them 💀) Can't wait to hear how you guys feel after this one!! 💕😍

Bathroom Light - Mt Joy "So, come on, baby, let's do this right, I think I like falling in love in the bar bathroom light."

“I feel like we should talk.” 

Not my favorite thing she’s said to me, if we’re being honest. Charlotte’s leant against the doorframe to my office, her hands are busy playing with the dainty rings she has on. 

“Okay,” I say, “you can come all the way into the room though.” She scurried in, shutting the door quietly behind her. 

“I don’t know how to say this,” she starts, sounding timid, which is unusual for her. 

I can’t stop myself from speaking up, “Did I overstep?” 

“Oh my god, no. No, not at all,” she spits out. “I actually.. um.” She looks back down at her hands, a small grin grows on her face. 

My eyebrow pops up, waiting for her, “What?” Comes out with a slight laugh. 

“Maybe we could be friends who, like..” her face turning red as she whispers, “maybe hook up sometimes..” 

We’re friends? She wants to - with me? I- oh my god. 

“Oh,” I can hardly form words with the speed my brain is moving at, “Oh, uh, we can. Yes. I would be okay with that.” My eyes finally met hers, knowing full well that I probably look far too excited. 

“Really?” 

I watch her chew the inside of her lip and see her hands shake slightly, which honestly makes me feel a bit better. At least I'm not the only one who gets nervous. I reach out, grabbing one of her hands with both of mine, which gets her to look back at me. 

“Really,” I say quietly, “Whatever you're comfortable with.” Finally standing up from my desk, she just looks at me, and I can’t quite tell what's going on inside that pretty little head of hers. 

Suddenly her arms are wrapped around my neck in a hug, catching me off guard. I let my arms sit around her waist as she lets out the sweetest little laugh next to my ear. 

“You’re sure about this?” she asks, leaning back to look at me. I get to spend more time with her and possibly get laid once in a while? YEAH, I THINK I’M SURE. 

“You can be the Captain of this ship,” I tell her, choking back a laugh as hard as I can. 

She does not; she drops her head, leaning against me as she barks out a laugh. Her small frame just shook against me, but at least this time, it was happy. 

Still laughing, she looks back up at me, “You’re so dumb,” she manages to get out before leaning forward to press a sweet kiss on my lips. I could get used to that.  ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

I didn’t anticipate the torture that I would endure after that conversation, having to be around her in the bar and stay normal about it. She already made me feel on edge, in a good way, before the last twenty-four hours, but now it’s ungodly how tense my body feels. 

I try to spend as much time cleaning and talking to the regulars that have come in, but I continuously find myself looking at her. I just want to talk to her. 

I pull out my phone, quickly type out a message, and slide it under the bar in front of me. 

Me: so.. does this mean I can just.. kiss you if we’re not around people?

My hands sweat at the thought, but god, what I’d give to kiss her again right now. I glance over as she picks her phone up, seeing the smirk creep onto her face. Looking around the bar to see if anybody might need something until my phone lights up. 

Charlotte: I'd like that. 🤭

Charlotte: You have a pretty mouth, so I think we should. 

Feeling warm at the compliment. A pretty mouth? I had been told on a multitude of occasions that I’m a bit more feminine, but given that my counterpart is Josh, who keeps his hair short and has facial hair, I don’t think I had much of a fighting chance. But I’ve never been complimented like that before, and I think I liked it.  

Me: play along 

I walk over to where she’s sitting, and her eyebrows pull in for a second looking at me. Sliding carefully behind Mel and Josh, I lean against the bar facing her. 

“Can you come with me? I need your opinion on if something is up to code,” I tell her, my voice at a normal volume but giving her a slow wink. 

“Oh, absolutely,” she replies, “Mel, I’ll be right back.” 

I meet her at the end of the bar, gesturing toward the hallway and leading her to our cooler. Once we’re out of sight, sticking my hand out behind me for her which she immediately grabs. We round the corner into the back room, and I turn to face her, pulling her into me. Tilting her chin up with my free hand, seeing her smile as I do. 

“Hi,” she mumbles, pressing a kiss against my lips. 

Letting out a small ‘mmm’ as my arms rest around her waist, “Let me just—“ Leaning in, noticing the way she doesn’t actually close her eyes. She just watches my mouth. Feeling her hands find their place on my stomach as I take her bottom lip between mine, making my heart shake. I wonder what makes her feel like this. Pulling my arms back slightly, letting my hands hold her waist, lightly squeezing her when I feel her hands grab my shirt. That must be something. 

“So, about that opinion,” I whisper into her, making her giggle. She reaches up, wiping the smudge of lipstick she left on me, and my stomach turns at how gentle she is.

Her eyes slowly look up, meeting my stare as she lets out a quiet, “I think that exceeds the standard, for sure.” 

We both hear footsteps in the hall; backing away from her quickly and folding my arms across my chest as she nods when Mel rounds the corner into the cooler.

“Jake, the POS is living up to its name.. Can you help?” she rolls her eyes, clearly frustrated. 

“Shit, yeah, I’ll be right there.” 

We both watch as Mel quickly turns, leaving the room looking fairly defeated. Standing there in silence for a matter of a few seconds before we both let out a quiet laugh. 

“I guess I need to do my job,” I whisper to her, making her smile. She turns to face me, fixing my shirt for me and moving a rogue hair back into place. Her hands linger on my chest as she looks at me, which only makes the butterflies in my stomach go wild. 

The smirk on her face is killing me when she says, “Go save them, boss man.” 

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The bar continued to get busier, making it harder and harder for me to not actually do my job. Almost as if flirting with pretty girls isn’t in my job description or something. Stealing little glances at her any chance I could while we quietly texted each other random things. 

Charlotte: You have to stop looking at me like that 

I grab the empty glasses from a table, walking back towards the bar but sneaking up behind her. 

“Like what?” I whisper next to her ear, setting the glasses on the bar top in front of her. Giggling as she jumps slightly, scowling at me, but that doesn’t stop my stare. It would be easier if she wasn’t gorgeous. My eyes fell between her lips and holding eye contact.  

“That,” she whispers back, “whatever that is.”  She leans into her hand while the other falls into her lap. 

“You don’t like it?” I ask, forcing myself to stay focused on her eyes. Leaning onto the bar next to her, letting my hand hang over the edge. 

She smiled softly, “No, it’s terrible,” oozing with sarcasm fell from her lips, feeling her hand graze mine. 

My head tilts slightly as my eyebrows raise, “and why is that, honey?” I whisper, pulling my bottom lip in with my teeth, watching as her face flushes. 

Forcing myself to back up, grabbing the glasses as I go, what I wouldn't give to just spend the night with her instead? 

Me: do you like being called honey? 

I set my phone under the bar, pouring a few drinks for the regulars sitting there, trying not to look over at her, but it’s impossible. Glancing out of the corner of my eye, I see her pulling up her phone. What if she hates it? 

Charlotte: Mmmm I might 🤭

I'll never be sure what possessed me to call her that the first time. I've always just used ‘sweetheart’ or ‘dear’ because they feel safe and really can’t be taken too out of context. Also, to be entirely honest, I typically don’t get far enough with a girl to give her a cuter pet name than those.  It just sort of came out when I saw her start to melt down, and it’s stuck. 

Charlotte: Do you like that I use your full name? 

Her sweet voice calling me ‘Jacob’ plays in my head on a loop, so it’s safe to say I don’t mind it. Although, the way she called me ‘baby’ made me want to crawl out of my skin. She had me wrapped around her finger in that moment.  

Me: you can call me whatever your heart desires 

I looked over at her, saw her smile at the response, and quickly started to type. This game of twenty questions is definitely making tonight go by a little faster. 

Charlotte: That doesn’t really roll off the tongue nicely- I think I’ll stick with calling you by name or baby 😉

I audibly laugh at her text, unprepared for her to get me with a classic dad joke. It was almost enough to distract me from the last part, but no such luck as my heart fluttered at the pet name. I could go for hearing that a little more often. Wandering over towards her, I lean down as I grab the glass from in front of her and whisper, “You’re more than welcome to slip a ‘Captain’ in the mix as well, yknow?” 

She leans into her hand, propped up on the bar, “So, you do like that, huh?” 

“Felt a little different coming out of you,” I tell her, shrugging as I back up a little and biting the inside of my lip as she watches me. 

Her eyes rake down me before letting out a quiet, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

I help Josh for a few minutes, pouring a handful of drinks for some regulars and running to grab orders from a few of the new tables that just came in. Rounding back behind the bar, I slide my phone out of my pocket quickly. 

Me: since we’re doing this- do you have questions or shall I continue 

Tossing my phone under the bar, turning to wash a handful of glasses for them. I try to just focus on what I’m doing. But I just want to pay attention to her. I turn around as I’m drying and putting away the glasses, doing my best to scan the room for anybody who may need anything. My eyes fixate on her as she sets her phone down and looks over at me. I pick up my pace drying, sliding the glasses onto their shelf quickly so I can grab my phone, needing to know what she said. 

Charlotte: I’m assuming you’re a physical touch person? 

Me: you would be correct but I’d like to say I can cover all the bases if you like something else more. 

I’ve always been a touch person, especially given that I’ve spent my whole life with Josh. He can’t go two seconds without grabbing your arm if he’s telling you something. So, it’s definitely something I’d developed over time and also suffered from; the lack of physical touch I’ve had in the last couple of years is contributing to the urge to ask her every two minutes to meet me somewhere hidden. Even though I would do whatever she prefers, I just hope she enjoys physical touch because I don’t know how I’m supposed to avoid it. 

Charlotte: Oh, touch is near the top with words of affirmation for me, so I think you’re doing just fine 

Knowing she likes words of affirmation makes my stomach knot up, the amount of things I’ve held back because I don’t want to overwhelm her. But I’ll tell her that she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen every day if she’ll let me. Despite the fact she was just being open, I decided to test the waters on this situation we’ve put ourselves in. 

Me: soo.. does that mean you like to be..reassured or no?

Hitting send, I immediately feel like I’m sweating. I pour a few beers waiting for her reply, hoping that she knows what I meant and that she doesn’t take back everything she said in my office today. 

Charlotte: A little praise never hurt anybody.

I whip my head over to her, and my hand wipes over my mouth as she smiles at me. The fact I’m blushing over the answer to the question I asked feels ridiculous. Why did I think this was a good idea? Making eye contact with someone at the bar who wants to order, I walk over to them. Taking their order and turning to grab all the bottles needed for it, I slide my phone from my pocket, setting it on the counter as she texts me again.  

Charlotte: Do you always like to be the Captain? Or do you like to let others assist? 

My eyes shut while I take a deeper breath; why is she doing this to me? Forcing myself to focus on mixing their drink, but my brain feels like it’s short-circuiting. She did have a little dominant streak in her yesterday. I grab a napkin and bring the drink back over to them, nodding as they thank me. 

‘All for me, baby?’ plays in my head, and I guess I had never thought about preferences like that before. Most girls I had been with at this point wanted nothing to do with being in control. I also was typically not the most sober in these instances, so it’s debatable how dominant I even was. They just wanted me to do the work, which in the grand scheme, was fine. 

The way that she wants to have control makes my body tingle. Something about the idea of her telling me what she wants me to do is kind of hot. She basically had me begging for her yesterday, so maybe I’m a bit more submissive than I thought. I get head one time, and I’m reflecting on my entire sex life. Jesus Christ, chill out. 

Me: I’ll gladly let you steer anyday, don’t have to ask twice 

I wipe down the back counter, reorganizing a bit, anything to keep my brain from spiraling out of control over her. I wash some glasses in painfully hot water in hopes that it’ll prevent anything uncomfortable from happening to me while I’m just trying to get through this shift with her. 

After a few minutes of torture, I pick up my phone again. 

Charlotte: In that case, meet me in the bathroom? 

I’ve never replied faster.

Me: 🫡  ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

“Couldn’t wait any longer?” Winking at her as I lock the door behind me. 

Her smile is devious as she runs her hands up my chest, “When you look like this? Not at all.” Tugging me closer by my shirt, tilting her head back as I lean in to kiss her. 

All I can think is how lucky I am that I’m in this weird little situation with her. The fact that she’s communicating things to me, even if we’re doing it in a kind of vague way, makes me feel a little more confident with anything that’s potentially going to happen. 

Pulling away from the kiss for a second, I gently move some hair away from her face, just taking her in. My other hand is holding her lower back, keeping her close. The way she’s looking at me makes my heart pound. 

“Can I ask you something while we're here?” I mumble, watching her eyebrows pull together. 

“Obviously.” 

“I just want to hear your response to this one,” I start. “Can you promise me that if I say or do something that you don’t like, you’ll tell me?” 

Her eyes softened at the question. Her hands grabbed the sides of my face as she pressed a soft peck against my lips.

“Of course, I will. Promise.” 

“I never want to make you uncomfortable,” I mumble against her, “okay?” 

Her soft laugh against my lips before pressing a few sweet kisses into me, I swear this girl could get me to fold so easily. 

“You really are something, Jacob.” 

My stomach flips as the sentence leaves her lips. My heartbeat felt stronger than before, and my mouth basically ran dry; what is she doing to me? The look in her eyes as we stared at each other in the subtle glow of the light, even after the past few days, I’d be lying if I said she didn’t still make me nervous. Every kiss makes it feel like there are fireworks in my chest and a ton of excited butterflies in my stomach; my entire body gets warm, and I have to fight the slight tremor in my hands, so she doesn’t know. But god, this girl has me stumbling over myself every day.

“What if we just stay in here for the rest of the night?” I whisper into her.

Her hands slid down onto my stomach, “I think they might notice we’ve disappeared.” 

“Unfortunate, innit?” the English accent sneaking out of me, making her laugh. If that’s all it takes, I’ll use it more. “Why don’t you go back out there first? I’ll go to the backroom first, so it’s more convincing.” 

“Sounds like a plan, Captain,” she winks as she pats my stomach and then quickly sneaks out the door. Leaving me there, speechless, staring at the door for a moment. I think I just tripped.

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I hid in the backroom for a few minutes, bringing out a handful of things to restock with. I try to wipe the smile off my face when I can feel her eyes on me. I have Mel run to the tables and get some drink orders taken care of; she’s been trapped behind the bar all night, at least get her a few minutes of a new scenery. 

It feels nice to make drinks mindlessly for customers sometimes. The muscle memory starts to kick in, and I can just go for a while. It’s just a bonus having Charlotte sitting at the end of the bar, intently watching every move I make.

“Aren’t you supposed to be watching Melody?” I tease, sliding a drink to her. 

Her hands rake through her curls, softly laughing as she says, “Well, she isn’t making drinks right now, is she?” 

“So you’re making sure I know what I’m doing then?”

“Something like that,” she says, biting her lip subtly. The goosebumps erupt on my arms instantly when she does that. 

Folding my arms across my chest, I look at her to ask, “Anything notable?” 

She slides her paper out for a second, quickly tucking it away so I can’t see what she’s written down. Sneaky little thing.

“You seem good.. with your hands,” she tilts her head slightly, slowly blinking at me. I can’t stop myself from smirking at the comment. I had noticed before that she watched my hands, but nothing was more validating than that comment. 

I step closer to the bar, leaning towards her a little so I can whisper, “Guess you’ll have to find out.” I watch her jaw slack at my comment, chuckling to myself. Seeing her flustered makes me feel less insane for being so antsy all night. The way she shifts in her seat as I look at her, I don’t think someone has ever reacted to my stare like this before. 

We spend the rest of Mel’s shift making unbearably tense eye contact, which makes me want to get her alone even more. She stayed for a little longer after Melody left, but I practically begged her to get home before it was too late. Something about the thought of her trying to drive in the Old Port when all the late-night bargoers are out just makes me nervous. 

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After what has seemingly become our nightly routine of walking her to her car, with the new bonus of getting to kiss her before she leaves, I’m met with an empty apartment. 

She won’t be home for a little bit. I pull open the fridge staring mindlessly, realizing that I’m not even really hungry. Taking the opportunity since Josh isn’t home, I wander into the bathroom, starting the shower. 

I stood under the hot water, letting it beat against me for a moment. My brain runs rampant with thoughts of her, still unable to process that she’s giving me any time, let alone wanting to spend more time with me. 

My eyes close as I think of the way she touches me; her hands are so delicate, and she’s so careful. Her hands always find a spot on my chest or stomach when she kisses me. Grabbing fistfuls of my shirt when we make out. Her lips though— those are something to write home about. God, I really was touch starved. 

My heart flutters at the thought of her kiss and how good it felt with her. Even when she was just leaving tiny pecks down my neck, I swear I could get goosebumps just from the memory. It had been so long since I even had the option I forgot how exciting it was. 

The thought of her sitting on my lap, her hands tangled into my hair, god. I feel the twitch, trying to ignore it. No, don’t be weird, Jake. Just think about something else. Rinsing the shampoo out of my hair and trying to refocus, but all I can hear in my head is, “all for me, baby?” A small groan comes from me, and I can’t stop myself from sliding my cock through my fist to relieve some of the tension. 

Her lips wrapped around me, the way she seemed like she was enjoying it, and her little moans as she slid me as deep into her mouth as she could. 

“Fuck,” I mutter, stroking myself a little faster. The visual of her on her knees for me has me reaching out to hold myself up. How is she real?

My hips jerked forward as I heard her voice in my head saying, “Come on, Captain.” 

Another moan sneaks out, my eyes fixed shut at this point, wishing she were here. God, she was so good. The way she swirled her tongue around me, her hair wrapped around my fist. Her green eyes look up at me as she takes just about all of me into her mouth, holy shit, I’m–.

“Fuck me, Charlotte,” I quietly groan as my orgasm washes over me. The water is hardly even warm at this point, while I frantically clean myself off to avoid a cold shower— that’s five minutes too late. 

Tapping my phone as I’m drying myself off. One Missed Call. Unlocking it instantly, seeing her name sitting there, I call her back with no hesitation. Is she okay? She hasn’t called me until she’s home before. 

“Hiii,” her soft voice dances around in my ear. 

“Hey, are you okay?” I spit out, knowing I probably sound insane. 

“Oh! Yes, everything’s fine! I'm just still driving,” she replies; a sigh of relief escapes me, grateful that she’s okay. Until all my nerves come flooding back when she says, “I just wanted to hear your voice.” 

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Chapter Twelve

Chapter Fourteen

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[becausesomething]

I'm sorry sensei (ZoroxReader) - Part II

Part I

Sinopse:

Pre-time skip. Y/N is part of the crew of the Going Merry.

What was supposed to be a simple training session by herself ends up creating what she always feared, having Zoro upset and arguing with her. However, the relationship between sensei and pupil ends up speaking louder.

W.C.: 1.9 K

My heart was racing, my breathing was heavy, my body screamed to run away but my mind became increasingly clouded by having that penetrating gaze on me and the gentle but unyielding grip on my arm. He closes the distance between us, which makes me get nervous and take a step back trying to free myself from him.

-hum, what I want to say is tomorrow we'll go back to training - he lets me go and scratches his head - thanks for the sake - and a small smile forms in the corner of his mouth, it's something new.

Completely caught up by that change in behavior, I just make a small bow, leave the room as quickly as possible, run through the corridor, deck and up to the crow's nest, where I hoped to find some peace and put my thoughts in order, especially calm the anxiety that I was feeling at that moment.

I was shaking, I felt nervous but with a different fear. I sit on the floor with my legs resting on my knees and let out a scream as if that would give answers to the questions or doubts. Did I have feelings for him and it wasn't just affection and admiration? Could it be that the joy of being with him, of feeling him against my body when training, of getting rare smiles, of feeling protected, was what people called love?

Zoro POV

I watch the door close and his figure disappear, and with that I feel an overwhelming distance consume me. How could he have been so stupid to tell her how I felt like that. I pick up the bottle that was on the chair and drink until I need air.

-It's good, but it has a bitter taste. I'm sure she asked the idiot eyebrow and he did it on purpose by giving her something cheap.

I sit violently on the bed, with the bottle still in my hand and with the other hand I play with my hair in an attempt to stop thinking.

I'm an idiot! It's obvious that she doesn't feel the same way, I am just her sensei and a friend. But the way she didn't respond and kept looking at me, it's like she was processing it and maybe, maybe she would respond back. But I had to cut the mood and come up with a shitty answer and miss the moment.

I look at the katanas and the best thing would be to go train to stay focused other than on my thoughts. But with the bottle still in my hand and the smell of rose perfume in my room, the desire to go after her and get an answer grows. If I let this opportunity pass, the chance of a strange and uncomfortable environment being created is huge, and then we even end up fighting over something stupid and avoiding each other for a while is even bigger.

I drink some more from the bottle and let out a sigh filled with regret. I should have kissed her instead of letting her pull back and create space between us. Those small but full lips, always in a pink tone, that form such a precious smile for me. I saw it in her eyes, they also shone and penetrated mine, speaking for all the moments we've shared.

Or is it just my brain playing tricks and I'm letting myself be carried away by unnecessary emotions. Even though I know the serious face she makes when she is focused on training, the look that transforms into a fierce one when facing an enemy, or a loving one when she feels happy and smiling, or admiration when she listens and watches carefully what I explain to her. How her body shivers and stops for microseconds when she feels my touch when I help her with her training or just pay attention and prevent her from hurting herself by being so distracted. How she relaxes and melts against my shoulder after an intense workout, keeping me company when it's my night watch and she can't sleep, or simply fascinated by the wonders of the ocean looking at the horizon. Her personality could be explosive and clumsy, but she always had a response to fight back when nothing went in her favor, but her determination and tenderness captivated those around her. The softness in her words in contrast to her intensity and vigor.

Even before Luffy realized how she had played a double game as a bounty hunter to allow us to escape from the marines, and in the midst of the typical mess he had arranged and invited her to join the crew, I already wanted her to come with me. Not because of the same profession from the past, but because of how the graceful way she moved and the agility she showed with the spear. The sadistic smile when fighting against those who would stand in her way, in contrast to the softness of her concentrated gaze. I was captivated, and would never admit the happiness and relief I felt to her hysterical yes and almost leave Luffy breathless in a hug. I would be able to continue to enjoy her, have her company and get to know her like no one else had ever done before.

I put my hand on the t-shirt and I could still feel its fragrance weakened in the fabric - What do I do? I can't wait... I need to... No! I want to know her answer! - I finish drinking that poor quality bitter liquid and leave the room with the mission of not letting her escape any further.

Y/N POV

The sound of my thoughts were still louder than the music on my player. At least the horizon was a vision of contrasting blues that made me feel small but free. I wish I could put myself into a barrel and drift away in the ocean so I wouldn't have to face it again.

Knowing him, he wouldn't come looking for me, it would be as if nothing had happened. There would probably be a strange atmosphere but training would always come first, so eventually it would be water under the bridge. I just needed to control my reactions and forget the way he grabbed me, the words full of feelings that came out of that mouth where I lost sight more times than I liked to admit.

I move on to the next song and support myself with my head on my arms.

I just needed to ask Ussop to swap the night watch with me and come up with an excuse to have dinner later, that way I would have time to prepare for the next day, when I would have to face him and make even more of an effort not to get distracted.

-All of this was just a dream and we only had one more unnecessary fight when I went to apologize, that's it! Tomorrow I just have to put on my stubborn attitude and everything will go back to normal.

Someone tries to grab me by the arm, instinct kicks in and a punch aimed at the face is thrown. It was Zoro, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, because he was taken by surprise and the area of ​​the punch was already turning red and would probably leave a mark. But the worst part was the irritated look on his face, which always made me apprehensive.

-Zo! It was unintentional. Sorry, I... you... scared me!

He brings his hand to his face and massages it, I still think about doing the same but something is stopping me, that look that keeps staring at me and I can't decipher it.

-Do you really want it to be just a dream or to become reality?

I look at him confused, could it be that my strength was that exaggerated and I caused more damage to his moony brain than a brief slap since it was Zoro.

-I called you when I went up but you didn't hear or notice me, only when I touched you - he lets out a sigh of displeasure - that's why I heard what you said about preferring to ignore our conversation earlier and still be sullen as if it were the most natural attitude to take...

-As if you have great morals to speak of! It's not just me who has a shitty personality and...

-Y/N! - he takes my arm again but this time so carefully that I felt his rough skin against mine - Stop running away, please. I'm trying to communicate instead of acting like an idiot who has no feelings. And I'm not leaving here without hearing an answer from you.

He looks at me and tries to close the distance but I break free and cross my arms.

-What answer? I don't remember you asking any questions... you just said how much you appreciated me and how important I was. We are companions, friends, you are my sensei, it is completely normal.

-Damn woman, I wanted the conversation to be natural but you can be a piece of work

It was difficult to maintain my posture, I felt a cold sweat running down my back, my hands were sweaty, my heart was beating strong and fast, I felt tingling throughout my body. I needed to hear him say it again, I needed him to show me once again the love he fells, because I wanted it to be reality but he was so cold that it made me doubt if it was reciprocated.

In the seconds that I gather the courage to meet his gaze, he approaches me and lifts my chin with his right hand. I felt the heat that his body emanated, the strength he exerted in holding me and forcing me to look at him, his heavy and anxious breathing.

-I want you to be my girlfriend

The body relaxes, the arms lose strength and fall, and taking advantage of this he wraps his free arm around my waist and his lips place a short but soft kisses on mine.

In a practically inaudible whisper I say my answer, which is muffled because now I'm the one searching for his lips and gently exploring them. My hands wrap around my neck, the hand that was on my waist shortens any distance between us and the other grabs my neck, as the kiss continues, each one taking their time and savouring the moment.

-This is real, isn't it?

He rests his forehead against mine and runs his fingers down my face before lifting it and smiling at me.

-I was the one who came looking for your answer, but are you the one asking for the answer you gave me? Only you. This is no longer just a dream...

In a subtle and careful gesture, he slides his hand and intertwines his fingers in my hair before returning to search for my lips. Rough but addictive, the tongue dances looking for the entrance to my mouth, exploring every corner and savouring now that I also tasted sake. He only stopped the kisses for a few moments, his warm breath against my skin, his restless but sure touch on my waist. The kisses were passionate but also carried a feeling of establishing that I was one of his needs.

Our gazes meet, each one overflowing with that happiness and desire that was finally free to be demonstrated and no longer contained. He was not a man of many words, but he made sure his actions paid off. The hands create a little distance, and in that light at the end of another day, he hugs me tenderly and a promise was made that he would never stop being by my side.

english is not my first language, even thought I use it more than my native tongue. I try my best to adapt it 🫣

Find more stories here and here 

xoxo

[gothicflowers]

Black No.1

Alex Keller x Goth!Reader

Warnings: Slight NSFW. MDNI. golden retriever man and goth woman. I definitely wrote this for myself.

She's in love with herself, she likes the dark

And on her milk-white neck: The Devil's mark

Now it's All Hallows Eve, the moon is full

But will she trick or treat? I bet she will.

She’s polar opposite of him. He is every bit of blonde pretty as they come. His eyes always bright and charming. She is mystified energy wrapped in black cloth. He appreciates your taste in music. He even indulges in it sometimes. Your endless records are always playing on the turntable

She's got a date at midnight with Nosferatu

Oh baby, Lily Munster ain't got nothing on you

Well, when I called her evil she just laughed

Well, cast that spell on me, boo bitch-craft

He was attracted to her energy. She doesn’t need a man’s attention or approval. She walks with her head high and demands respect. First time he seen you walk into a room all he could hear is the ringing in his ears and his eyes glued to you until you decided to stare him down in response. You made him blush so much he had to look away and fidget with his hands.

Yeah, you wanna go out 'cause it's raining and blowing

You can't go out 'cause your roots are showing

Dye 'em black. Ooh, dye 'em black

Black heels, black pants, black nails, black lipstick. That black eyeliner he loved to see run down your face when you just can’t take anymore of the pleasure he gives.

Black, black, black, black number one

Black, black, black, black number one

He loved watching you get ready. You took pride in your appearance. Everyday you’d apply your makeup and do your hair. Alex loved the lip color you always wore. It looked beautiful on your lips, and on his after passionately kissing you. The only lights on in the house at night were candles light. Softly illuminating the rooms creepy but cozy.

Little wolf-skin boots and clove cigarettes

An erotic funeral for which she's dressed

Her perfume smells like burning leaves

Every day is Halloween

Your perfume could always be smelled when you walked by. And your hair always smelled clean, Alex always thought he was smooth hiding that he was smelling it when you cuddled on your black silk sheets in the early morning. Your sent drives him wild

Alex loved buying you new clothes. He loved when packages came in and got to see you try everything on. He loved you in black lace. You did all the technical stuff for the 141 so you didn’t need to dress in combat gear. Instead, dressing like the mistresses of the night. Men’s heads would turn from the sent of vanilla when you walked by and to glance at your fishnet covered legs paired with a black pencil shirt accentuating your plump thighs and ass.

In the beginning it bothered Alex knowing that all the men around him craved you. You were a feast laid out before starving men. But he grew to know your loyalty to one another was fierce. He got you chain necklace with a small heart pendant with his name engraved on both sides. A subtle way for any man that looks at your soft breasts to know that you are taken.

Love, loving you was like loving the dead.

You clash against the camo clad men. You’re a reminder that there is something outside of war. A beautiful darkness that tells a story. Your soul that understands his fears, needs, joys, wants and desires.

It was like fucking the dead

Your long pointed nails would leave marks up his back. Your sent that stuck to the sheets. Your moans that would fill the air. Your need to be worshipped. His need to pray to your mind, spirit and body. Your delicate hands that would grab his jaw when you wanted to pull him down to you for a kiss. He loves how different you look from him and everyone around. His soft pants and whimpering meshed with your moans and cry’s from the pleasure his hands and tongue would bring you. The way he’d run his fingers along your back tattoo when you’re bent over for him.

[sleepyficss]

lightbulb & paintbrush headcanons.

poly! lightbrush x reader

authors note:

two of my favourite ii characters, i couldnt help myself :]c. also, swearing is present, apologies if you don't like that ^^

- already, these two complement each other SO WELL. so, adding a third person? you're all full of joy and whimsy.

- if you were present in the first season of ii, you probably wouldn't get together with them until season two, or the very end of season one at the earliest.

- but, when you DO get together if you were present in season one, your relationship is a lot stronger from the start – a lot of shit happened, but you were all there to experience it together, and are able to be there for each other because of it.

- lightbulb is sort of the 'comedic relief' in a sense? she's always trying to lighten the mood, and is considerably better at comforting people.

- she's also very much an entertainer, a lot of dates, or just chill-around days, are planned by her. despite how it seems, lightbulb is very aware of 'the mood', and others emotions.

- it isn't uncommon for her to act oblivious to the sour mood in a room, but she's really just trying to lighten things up in her own way :)

- although, she does understand when it isn't appropriate to act as such. instead, she'll happily offer a listening ear, and physical touch, as a comforting gesture. she may even pull out a few ideas to help you if you're in a challenging situation; no promises that the ideas won't be a little odd, though!

- paintbrush definitely struggles more in the comforting department, as they tend to let their OWN emotions get in the way of things.

- especially if you're upset because of someone else, depending on the situation, paintbrush may just end up losing their own temper on your behalf. they just appreciate you a lot, and can't understand how another person would be willingly mean to you :(

- when they do lose their temper, its usually lightbulb trying to calm them down, but with you in the mix? they find your presence very grounding, and will calm down a lot quicker with both of you around.

- just put a hand on their shoulder, or wrap your fingers around their own – it offers as a little distraction to whatever set them off.

- considering that paintbrush feels their emotions very strongly, not just their frustration or anger, they become VERY easy to fluster.

- once they've started falling for you, they're gonna fall hard.

- lightbulb's a little better at hiding their swooning, and instead just comes off as a little blushy and awkward (but not in a bad way, she's just nervous and doesn't know how to deal with your love for her).

- further into the relationship, though, lightbulb gets a grip and becomes a LOT more confident in their flirting, finding it silly when they're able to make you flustered.

- paintbrush still blushes easily, but will still attempt to make moves on you (holding your hand, any sort of kissing, physical touch, etc) while being a nervous wreck.

- but!! dates between the three of you are always so sweet.

- the number of times you've made cookies together is purely uncountable – but it's a fun activity, and you get a yummy treat afterwards.

- paintbrush and you usually only eat one or two cookies, lightbulb steals the rest.

- the three of you going outside after dark isn't uncommon, where you bring a blanket to lay upon the ground, just to sit on and stare at the stars.

- sometimes, you'll all just sit there in silence, enjoying each others presence, or quietly talking about anything and everything.

- there have been plenty of times where those talks have become serious, ending in soft cuddles and words of comfort to each other.

- there are also times where you're all in a silly mood, and end up being yelled at by someone trying to sleep, for laughing too loud, or playfully yelling at each other.

- you and paintbrush won't ever forget the pain you felt in your stomachs from laughing too hard as lightbulb attempted to stand up and act something out, only to trip and go falling down the hill. all you could see was the light emanating from her growing smaller and smaller until she reached the bottom.

- speaking of her light, it isn't noticeable during the day, but when all three of you have retreated to your bedroom, and are snuggling under the covers, lightbulb has the slightest bit of light constantly glowing from her.

- it isn't something she can turn off either, its just the built-up electricity within her, always running through her body.

- she's like your own personal, cuddly nightlight.

- none of you have set positions when sleeping in bed, either. half the time, you wake up in different positions anyways.

- lightbulb wants to be touching at least one of you all night, usually with as much of her body as she can.

- whether its you or paintbrush, she'll have an arm wrapped around you, a leg wedged between yours, and her body pressed flush against yours.

- paintbrush will usually just have an arm around your body, or a foot lightly brushing against yours.

- lightbulb is always knocked out the minute she's comfortable though, lightly snoring away.

- it takes paintbrush a while longer though, and you often find yourself talking to them quietly, tiredly muttering about your days to each other until one of you falls asleep first.

- paintbrush may prefer having you directly next to them sometimes because of this, as they like to tiredly stare into your eyes as an sloppy smile rests on your face, listening to paintbrush's account of their day.

- they like when you unconsciously hold their hand and play with their fingers in you sleepy state, eventually dropping both your hands as sleep overtakes you.

- you'll be listening to paintbrush mid sentence, start mumbling, and you're like, "what was that? you were too quiet – oh." and they've fallen asleep with their fingers tucked against yours.

- the next morning always kills you, though. as much as you love her, lightbulb is WAY too early of a riser for both you and paintbrush.

- half the time, shes jumped out of bed and opened the curtains while you and paintbrush are still groaning under the covers.

- and don't forget!! being in a relationship with these two, means coparenting their favourite crab – baxter!!

- sometimes lightbulb wants to bring him into bed with you all, but you have to remind her that he'd probably get squished in your sleep, considering how much you all move around.

- baxter does make an appearance in a lot of your dates though, remember to keep a constant eye out for him so you don't trip over him!

- you do love him, though – he's too cute not to.

- but he likes to interrupt your personal time with paintbrush and lightbulb at times, where you and paintbrush want to kick him out of the room, but lightbulb gets distracted and goes off to play with him instead.

- you all still love each other so, so much though <3

- i might have to make more headcanons of these two, i still have so much to talk about!! especially about your relationship DURING the contests >:)

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Things We Can't Change

Epilogue for Sweet Treats AU: by character | chronological | epilogues

Warnings: these drabbles will include dark elements such as noncon, control, intimidation, and other stuff that may not be specified. Take this as you chance to scroll by.

Note: 👋

Please let me know what you think <3

🍯🍯🍯

You swirl the whisk around, wrist keeping a sharp and tenuous rotation as you hold the bowl steady. The rhythmic ting of the metal against the glass fills the kitchen and the silence of the large house. The place is static and surreal, just like the rest of your life. Ever since…

Don’t think. You won’t be alone tonight. Isn’t that something to look forward to? Is there anything left in this world you can be happy for? Maybe if you could feel anything but the flatline.

“My brother is not very happy,” Loki’s voice brings your head up as he strides coolly, “something about that little mouse and her attitude.”

“Oh…” you look back down, focusing on the batter’s consistency. Almost there. The burning in your tendons is almost enjoyable. To feel anything but dread. “Are they not coming then?”

“I never said that, darling,” Loki stops at the end of the marble island and rests his hand atop it

“Good, good,” you utter, “wouldn’t want this to go to waste.”

“Please, it will. No doubt my brother will leave crumbs littered across the floor like the animal he is.”

You look at him again and give a tight-lipped smile. He does this, makes you and offer but makes it feel like a favour asked. Was it not his suggestion to have Muffing come keep you company? Because he said it would cheer you up. That it would help you forget.

How could you forget what he did? You narrow your eyes and stare at him. Your wrist moves out of instinct and a loud clink keeps you from a full-blown glare. You look down. Fuck.

“Gosh,” you stop and drop the whisk to lean against the brim, “looks like I ruined them myself.” 

You sniff and turn away. You go to the other counter and pull close the tray of eggs. Start over. That’s the good part about baking, you can always try again. 

You separate the yolk into one bowl and the whites another. You flinch and break through the yellow with the shell as Loki snakes his arms around you from behind. You cringe as your whites are stained with the viscous slime. You suppress your disappointment and lower the shell as he nuzzles your neck.

“It is rather amusing to think of how you midgardians can find such joy in menial tasks,” he purrs, “on Asgard, we have servants who bake our bread.”

“Mmm,” you stiffen and rest your hand on the counter. “You must miss it.”

“I do, though Asgard never missed me,” he sways you with him, “we have some time… they are still upon the road…”

His hands slip down your sides and frame your hips. He pulls you against him, pressing his twitching crotch flush to your ass. You curl your fingers and swallow a shudder.

“I’ve egg on my hands,” you sidle free of him and grab a dishcloth, “and I promised Muffin strawberry meringues the next time she was in town.”

“Do you even know if she heard you? The creature seems rather oblivious.”

“She’s not stupid,” you argue but keep your tone from piquing, “she’s quiet, that’s all.”

“To think, my brother would make that his wife,” he approaches you again, penning you in before the sink, “none are so fortunate as me, are they?” He looms closely, leaning in until his nose brushes your forehead, “when I heard of those buffoons and their missing women… not me and my darling.” He touches the emerald at your throat, “I shall always keep her close.”

“My prince,” you murmur, “I wouldn’t…”

“I know you wouldn’t, darling, you are a prince’s wife now. You know your duties. You’ve proven to me that you could never let me down, yes?”

“Yes, my prince,” you reply. 

You hold back a tide of rage. You never would have said yes if you knew what it meant. If you knew what he would do. It wasn’t a fair trade. He is worth none of it but he is all you have left. Besides, he will never let you go and that fact sounds a lot more romantic than it truly is.

“My princess,” his hand crawls down your skirt, slowly tugging it up your thigh as he rubs his nose against yours, “the only promise I care for is that which you made to me.”

[weirdmorefics]

Unmasked Chpt 4

AO3, Etsy Shop, Youtube,

Chpt 1 Chpt 2 Chpt 3

TW-Gore, Horror

A/N- So sorry for not keeping up with chapters I am really suffering from fanfic writer curse LOL. Been to the hospital twice this week.

Taglist- @bunbunbl0gs

Word Count- 1,478

Spencer's stares will not cease but he doesn't speak.

"I didn't want to tell you, I knew you would freak. I'm fine you're fine! You will continue to be fine if you get the hell out of Woodsboro!" I rant.

Spencer furrows his eyebrows at me, "You are the one who should be off this case! You are entirely too close to it! I am calling Emily right now."

He tries to pull his phone out of his pocket but I am quick to grasp his hand, "I am doing this with or without the BAU! Would you rather I do it by myself? Trust me, I prefer you out of danger- I mean the whole BAU out of danger. I don't want any more people killed because of me. So please don't make this more difficult for me than it already is!" I say in a mix of begging and anger.

He slides his phone back into his pocket, my hand still grasping his, "I won't let you do this alone."

I am unsure how to feel. I would have died of pure joy if Spencer had said this to me in any other situation but right now, it just makes me more scared. The more I care the more likely Ghostface will kill him.

I clench my fist to suppress any emotion Ghostface is always watching.

"Jill," Sid shouts out concerned.

" Stay away from me," she cries.

The father of the poor girl runs into the house full of worry and is quick to console Jill. I understand why Jill is scared of us she should be I think everyone should be scared of the curse of the Prescott's. Hell, even I am.

The father of the girl leads Jill out of the house and Jill's friend enters the house in a run. I can hear her friend whisper comforts to her but they are probably doing nothing as she sees what her future looks like through the eyes of Sidney.

The cops run back in saying there were no signs of Ghostface outback.

"Call the coroner, the body is upstairs," I relay to the cops and run my hand through my hair practically pulling it out of my skull.

Spencer puts a soothing hand on the small of my back, "We have to talk to the team."

I nod just thankful he isn't trying to push me off the case. We exit the house the cops and Sidney in tow.

The neighbors are shouting wretched things at Sid and me.

"This is all the Prescott's fault."

"You two are just like your mother!"

"They bring death wherever they go!"

"No wonder Y/n's an agent! Must be easy when murder follows you!"

"I thought this was over when they left!"

"You two never should have come back!"

I bite my lip, I want to be angry at their words but it's all true. I feel Spencer's hand move from my back to my waist as he grips my hip protectively.

I look up at him to assure myself he doesn't mean it, it was probably an accident. Instead, I find his eyes glaring daggers into the passerbys shouting harsh words.

"Clear the area," one of the cops shouts.

"You shouldn't have to deal with this," he mumbles.

"It's fine... it's not like what they are saying isn't true," I sigh.

Spencer's head quickly turns to face me and looks at me with serious eyes, "Y/n none of this is your fault."

"Sure," I say unconvincingly making Spencer sigh.

Sidney sees Jill off to the paramedic and I watch them closely ignoring my own surroundings. I just need to protect my family, and my team, I don't have time to worry about myself.

Spencer's hand touches my cheek and I swear I jump five feet in the air.

"Y/N," he keeps saying my first name instead of my last. It gives me butterflies each time the way he says my name with such care. I am totally overthinking it though he is only calling me by my first name because he doesn't know if he should call me Prescott now or continue with the fake one. I don't have time for these trivial thoughts. Spencer is making things so much more difficult. I can't focus around him.

As if he notices my mind drifting he repeats my name once again and my eyes meet his I could get lost in his eyes forever.

"This is not your fault, these people should not blame you. I would yell at them right now if I didn't think you would use it as an opportunity to run off and try to solve the case on your own." He states seriously, he wants to be sure I believe him.

I smirk, "You know me too well, but don't try to pretend you wouldn't do the same in my situation."

"Hiding things from the team is what got me into prison in the first place, we are better as a unit." His eyes darken and I am shocked he would bring up his time in prison to me without me forcing it out of him.

I shake my head desperately, "That wasn't your fault! It was entirely Cat's fault she's insane!"

"I shouldn't have given her the ammunition," he frowns.

"You were doing what you thought was right for your family, you should not feel guilty! It's what makes you, you, and I wouldn't want you to be anyone else." I look determinedly into his eyes.

I swear I see him flush but it's probably just all the police lights.

"Then why don't you want me to help," he smiles at me.

I am taken aback, "what does that have anything?"

"You don't want me to be anyone else? You don't want me to stop doing what's right? Helping you is what's right Y/n," he steps closer with each sentence.

I am so flustered I swear my body is on fire. I feel the urge to fan myself with my hand to help extinguish the flames. Luckily the moment is broken as Prentiss jumps out of the van with the rest of the team.

"So much for getting some rest at the hotel before the case," Luke mumbles out.

Prentiss looks like she is in full-blown mama bear mode, "What the hell happened?"

Dewey follows close behind, "I was just about to ask my officers that as well."

They seem to both already know each other they must have been going over the case together at the precinct. I am glad Dewey isn't as closed off as Sid is.

The local officers that were on the scene started relaying how they tried to cut him off in the backyard but missed him and compared him to a ghost.

I sigh and clench my fist that's the stuff I bet Ghostface would love to hear to be compared to the supernatural.

One of the officers turned to me with suspicion, "How did you manage to get the jump on him Y/n?"

"This isn't my first rodeo, "I growl.

He puts his hands up in defense, "Hey all I am saying is it's weird that you have survived three Ghostface killings and willingly come back here when the murders start again."

I am clenching my fists so tightly that I think all the bones in my hands may break. I can't believe this is what the people I've known my whole life think of me. I am trying to take a deep breath, I am trying to remain calm.

The thing I wasn't expecting was Spencer stepping in front of me and barely remaining calm and not remaining civil at all.

"You can't speak to a federal agent here to save your ass like that," he states his tone so low it sends chills down my spine. My eyes widened did Reid just swear and not only that did he swear on my behalf?

Prentiss turns to Spencer her face full of professionalism but eyes full of fury, "Reid! Van now!"

Dewey looks at his men as well, "You two get outta here as well."

"Yes sir," they look to Dewey with respect which is nice but also felt odd seeing it. He didn't get much of that when Ghostface first arrived but he just started being a cop then, and now he's the boss. I'm proud of him and I won't let Ghostface take him away.

I see the coroner roll out the poor teen girl's body and breathe in deeply. This won't happen again I won't let it. I don't want to be powerless again... but I am worried that my feelings for Spencer make me powerless. My feelings for him are just another weakness Ghostface can use against me but I don't know how to stop them.

[fastcardotmp3]

tagged by my adored alex @gothbat99 to do a little self-love moment 🥹💛

rules: post five of your favorite fics that you've written and talk about why you love them. tag some mutuals so they can do the same and we can all spread some positivity about our writing ❤️

✨someone else's favorite song - 120k | rated E - I swing wildly on the pendulum between loving this fic for all that it is and wanting desperately to Fix It, but lately I've felt a lot of pride in this thing, warts and all. I went into this one thinking I was the extent of the audience for it and let the stream of consciousness muscle pull it out of me without much forethought, but ended up finding so much connection to the people reading it who felt seen or understood in some way in their own grieving processes. No matter where I am on the pendulum of feelings about this story, I am never not grateful that my own little catharsis has been able to create a sort of 'not aloneness' every time someone is kind and courageous enough to share their own stories with me in the comments 💛

✨that's just wasteland, baby! - 19k | rated E - I started writing this entirely because at the time I couldn't find any fics that really dived into what an apocalyptic Hawkins setting might look like and I wanted to READ it more than anything. It's so slice-of-life in that world and I had really so much fun building up the rules of the world and the dynamics between characters still in the fight but settled to an extent within a new normal to the point where even Steve can't even remember how long they've been doing it. 'the world ended but we're still going' is one of my favorite premises of all time and this universe is one I'm genuinely SO proud of without any equivocation about it UGH

✨how the light gets in - 29k (wip series) | rated T-E - if there are going to be one million and one versions of kas!Eddie (including my own) there HAS to be a kas!Chrissy and by god if I have to do it myself I WILL. Wheelingham is one of those things that just smacked me in the face one day when I realized the unending potential of taking a fridged girl, bringing her back to life, and making her kiss the final girl, like... COME ON. This series is a labor of love and it's truly such a joy to do a proper character study on two girls who have so much untapped potential built into their psyches. they're my babies I am holding them gently in my hands and never letting go :(((

✨METAMORPHOSES - 160k | rated E - I think of everything I've written for ST, this might be the thing that's most structurally sound writing-wise, like it's long enough that there are definitely spots it could use smoothing, but I am genuinely so proud of how it turned out and how it told the exact story I set out to tell. I love these characters, I love their little house in Indy, I love the ways they grow and regress in tandem, I LOVE THEM YOUR HONOR. Never has a vision I had at the start ended up feeling So Right to this extent and I will never stop screaming about this fic just you try to stop me 💚🐍

✨The Hawk - 10k (wip series) | rated T - "The Bear" AU that no one asked for but which I am wholly and completely enamored with only 2 'episodes' in. Another chance at a Nancy-centric story with the added bonus of getting to write so many POVs of a larger ensemble? Incoming Ronance and Lumax and Steddie and Jargyle?? Wheeler sibling dynamic exploration?? it's my DREAM tbh and it's surprisingly simple to slot our ST characters into this wildly different world because you know what! At the end of the day it's all just about family isn't it!!! UGH. Once I'm done with writing (redacted) trust that I will be launching myself back into this one full-force, I've got so many plans and I can't wait to show you all more of this world

(if you've already been tagged apologies but also) tagging! @kkpwnall @fragilecapric0rnn @judasofsuburbia @gideoncharov @figthefruitfaeth @cheatghost @stargyles @capriciouslyterminal @sharpbutsoft @hellsfireclub

[lueure]

Delusions

Currently we were in the common room, regulus' head on me, he's reading his so called interesting book about constellations.

"I love your hair" breaking the silence as my fingers run through his strands. His eyes meet mine, those beautiful eyes I spent forever figuring out.

Looking up at me from my lap, "you said that already." caressing my hand ever so gently.

I smile at him, "Well I meant it."

Suddenly a loud thud interrupts our conversation, causing our heads to turn in that direction. Regulus sits up in curiosity. To my surprise I see Lucius Malfoy and his goons or whatever they call themselves; messing with a pet. My face scrunches in disgust, I can't describe how much I hate them.

"Leave it alone, Malfoy" telling him off, but of course he won't listen, he's a Malfoy.

"Oh hello Y/n" he teased, ignoring the fact regulus was right beside me. If he thinks I would say hi back, he's actually delusional. He walks towards me, feet following the other.

"You look rather alluring today." toying with me, hes been flirting with me since day one, I told him to quit it over a million times. I feel regulus tense beside me, my hands still caressing his. I can't help but want to touch him when I could, it's like I can never get close enough to him, like it's not enough.

"Are you free on" before he could even finish, reg interrupts him "Leave her alone" inhaling for second before continuing "Clearly she doesn't want you."

Malfoy's eyes avert to him, snickering oddly, "Let her decide, you never know maybe she wants someone that could actually give her what she wants" apparently referring to himself as someone who can provide for my needs.

I glance at regulus, he looks like he's so close to hitting him.

Abruptly, he grabs me by the neck, pulling me close to him. He closes the gap between us, I feel his cold skin against mine as his hand tightens around my neck but not enough to hurt me. I try my best to kiss back with just the same amount of desire but I end up getting lost in his touch. He bites my lower lip, I allow his silent request, letting him take the dominance. His tongue enters my mouth, kissing me like this for the first time. I pull away for air, eyes trained on him. Finding myself completely dumbfounded, I stare at him with so much affection I can't even contain my joy.

He looks up at Malfoy from the couch "I think we have our answer." smirking slightly at his win. With that he begins walking away, looking angry as ever.

I pull on his collar, leading his face back to me. I kiss him once more, with a soft smile on my face, I can feel his too.

We were summoned in the grand hall to eat supper a few moments later. Once we got to the hall, almost everyone was there already. A bunch of heads turned to face us, making me feel awkward. Regulus on the other hand, he doesn't sense awkward moments like this, possibly cause he couldn't care less. I brisk walk to the Slytherin table, he follows closely after me.

As usual, the head makes a long speech full of announcements and what not. I look down, seeing his hand on his lap, I start tapping it softly. Heat starts to accumulate on my face, I shouldn't be this crazy over this boy. He finally understands the sign, taking my hand in his as he looks me in the eye.

"Get a room." A random slytherin student mutters, causing me to stifle a laugh.

Leaning down to meet my ear, "I wish we could." his breath hot, a shiver runs up my spine.

My eyes slightly widen as I stare at the table, processing what he said. "Oh?" I reply, trying to match his energy. His mouth opened, when the food appeared before us. "Maybe we could, later." finishing, I let go of his hand to get food.

[thedrarrylibrarian]

I was so excited to invite @caroll-in for our March Happy Hour! I did it as a little treat for myself - I've loved and been a fan of her art for such a long time (I love the bold lines, bright smiles, and the way she does hair. My favorite part is how she draws people who look like they're having a good time with each other! Partners look happy together.) I've been so excited to see what recommendation she'd come up with. She did such a lovely job, and even was able to find a rec that I hadn't read yet! I fell in love with her recommendation and I think you will too! Without making you wait any longer - here is the lovely @caroll-in!

I can't even describe the joy I felt upon receiving an invitation from @thedrarrylibrarian to be the guest of the March Happy Hour! It's an honour to be able to contribute a rec to this fantastic blog!

I'm gonna take this opportunity and rec a fic I’ve always wanted to do a proper post about as it's one of my all-time favorite long fics in the drarry fandom. Written for the @hd-fan-fair fest of 2021, it was the very first fic by Romaine that I have ever read and, most importantly, Romaine's comeback to the fandom after an almost decade-long break. And what an epic comeback it was!

This Ain't the Garden of Eden by @romaine2424 (131,466 words, rated E)

In 2020, Hit Wizard Harry is starting to enjoy his life. He’s divorced, and no longer Head Auror. His biggest project these days is trying to remodel 12 Grimmauld Place for him and the kids.

Draco Malfoy is recovering from his wife’s death. But is happy with his Ministry position as Temporary Head of the Department of Intoxicating Substances, and with his son who he adores.

This all changes quickly when Minister Shacklebolt decides not to run for another term. The assumption is that 'all is well' in the British Magical world, and that Hermione Granger-Weasley will easily be voted in as the next Minister for Magic. However, Draco knows better. He knows she has a strong competitor who is wooing those who live in Knockturn. And if he wins, the Ministry, and all that has been accomplished the previous twenty odd years, will be destroyed.

"This Ain't the Garden of Eden'' is a brilliant political fic following Harry's campaign to become the Minister for Magic. What I feel is the most important thing to point out here are his motivations to become a candidate in the first place. This Harry is one we all know and love but since he's in his forties, he's also more mature and has had a chance to figure himself out throughout the years. Even though he very much still enjoys the thrill and action (which he has plenty of, working as a Hit Wizard when we first meet him in the story) he also still cares and is ready to step up and help however he can—this time without being manipulated. Everything he does is done through his own decisions. I love how well Romaine executed that part because after people pulling the strings behind his back for half his life, it's really heartwarming to see Harry still wanting to save the Wizarding World, on his own terms. He won't take the risk of losing everything he and his friends worked for after the War—especially when he realizes how much still can and should be improved. His main political opponent (I hope it won't be too much of a spoiler to say this) is based on Trump and brilliantly so, making the reader root all the more for Harry's success. And for those of you worried it might be too much politics for your taste, please note the "case fic" and "action/adventure" tags on the story which very much *deliver*.

Romaine takes the well-known canon world and expands it, making it so full of details and innovative magical theory (which I bet y'all are fans of as much as I am!) and introduces us to many new magical places, not only in the UK. It might not be a fic about Wizarding Houses and Grimmauld Place per se, but I promise you—those of you who enjoy this trope won't be disappointed either as the fic features a stellar subplot catering to it. We also get a new take on the Knockturn community and their culture and meet many new brilliantly-written original characters who I couldn't help but fall in love with (and I am sure you will too!). Of course, I also have a lot of love for Romaine's characterisations of the characters we know from canon—from Ron, Hermione and the Potters' kids to Scorpius and Narcissa. And Kingsley Shacklebolt, who very much deserves his own shoutout here—I can honestly say it's my very favourite take on him and I'm not being dramatic, he *is* fantastic in this story and I can't wait for you guys to meet him!

And finally: DRARRY. I deliberately saved the most important aspect of this fic for last and I hope I didn't give you the impression this story isn't about them! The main plot circles around the elections and is super captivating on its own, but it's Harry and Draco's relationship we're all here for and the way Romaine wrote them is honestly perfect! As I already mentioned, they're in their forties and, therefore, more experienced and more mature, willing to calmly take a look at the other to see and appreciate how much they changed throughout the years. Thanks to that we can skip the drama unnecessary for this story and have them form a fantastic partnership—both for the cause and as lovers. The pace of their relationship is so well-written and we get to see it develop as the story progresses. Don't think, however, that it's all smooth and easy—their trademark jealousy and banter are very much present to spice things up a bit! Romaine was generous to give both Harry and Draco many quirks and habits that the reader gets to discover along with them but I don't want to spoil your fun by listing them here—you need to trust me, you're in for a treat! One more thing, because it actually might be my favourite: remember the classic fanfic trope of a character recognizing the scent of their love interest's hair? Romaine's take on it is simply stellar and takes it to a brand new level. Everything from their first kiss (!!!!!!), through the smut scenes, to the moment they're finally ready to confess their love is a pleasure to read and I envy those of you who will get to read it for the first time!

And if, after finishing this fic, you won't be quite ready to leave the universe Romaine created just yet, I have great news for you: for the 25 Days of Draco and Harry 2021, she wrote "25 Additional Scenes for This Ain't the Garden of Eden" which features extra scenes from the main story (also a huge rec!).

Once again, many many thanks to @thedrarrylibrarian for having me here and for giving me an opportunity to give some extra love to one of my fave drarry stories! <3

Thank you again @caroll-in for taking the time to join us and write this wonderful recommendation!

❤️ As always, if you find a fic you enjoy, please remember to leave the author a kudos or a comment! ❤️

Lots of Love and Happy Friday!

[windvexer]

Honoring Lobrax with the Half-Moon Meal

Lobrax, the scintillating rainbow serpent who created the Sun, Moon, and Stars, is said to have the moon itself for his eye! When the moon is half full he can see everything in our world, so that's why we celebrate his holy breakfast on half-moon days.

Here is a quick FAQ of how to celebrate Lobrax! It is a practice open to anyone.

What is the meal really about?

Lobrax is a representation of unconditional love, but especially unconditionally loving being alive and having physical forms. His mythology is panthiestic - in other words, the scales of Lobrax are the universe itself.

So when we celebrate Lobraxfast, it's all about feeling the love and joy of being alive, and reveling in our physicality! Just by loving life itself we honor Lobrax.

Why breakfast and not some other meal?

The holy breakfast honors not only Lobrax but Aedelia, who helped hatch Lobrax and gave him his very first meal.

You don't have to celebrate Lobraxfast at any specific time of day, but ideally the celebration will be the first time you eat that day. Of course there are no real hard and fast rules and people do what fits with their schedules :)

What kind of things should you eat?

Eggs are really traditional, as well as cheese and bacon. I always try to include eggs in my celebration as a ritual aspect (more below!)

But you can really eat anything you want! The most important part of Lobraxfast is to eat something that you personally really enjoy and that makes you happy. So that can be anything, from a full buffet of fresh cooked breakfast foods, to some leftover cold pizza.

What should you do to prepare?

A very important aspect of Lobrax is as a home and kitchen god. So a lot of people will try to tidy their kitchen, or do something nice like put out a clean tablecloth.

But just remember that the goal is to have a great time eating foods you love and enjoying being alive, and let that guide you! People tend to put on upbeat music, dress in bright and happy colors, put on TV shows they love, or anything that brightens the mood.

Flowers are an important part of Lobrax mythology, especially very colorful and multicolored flowers, so including flowers in your celebration is very traditional.

And although it's a more modern practice, people also sometimes leave offerings for household spirits, especially kitchen spirits, and thank them for being a part of life.

Honoring Half-Moon Sight

One aspect that should always be observed (that in my opinion you need to make it a Lobraxfast instead of a regular meal) is honoring Lobrax's Half-Moon sight.

In Lobrax's mythology, when the moon is dark his eye is closed and he's at a period of rest and reflection. When the moon is full his eye is wide open and he's so full of excitement and energy that he can't even see what's right in front of him.

It's actually when his eye is half-open that he is able to see with total clarity.

As a parable, we can apply this to active gratitude. During this time we should strive to see our lives with clarity and practice loving everything we see.

More traditionally, you should try to avoid imagining what things could become, or pulling things apart with introspection. The goal is to try and see what is around you in the moment and celebrate it.

Usually during Lobraxfast I will take many small moments while cooking and just say to myself, "I love this."

In group settings people sometimes go in a circle and say things they're grateful for.

You could write a hymn, pray from the heart, light a candle, or do anything that expresses the love of being alive.

Enjoy your Lobraxfast!

[tracybirds]

For @thunder-pride 's second prompt day: "I'm proud of you", but also inspired by and following on from @avengedbiologist 's fic found here. Also borrowing her headcanon that Lee and Lucille are siblings from a large family full of L named siblings bc yes 😂💕💕

Written almost entirely on my phone on a daytrip to Hamilton so please excuse any errors - I'm posting on a phone with literally 1% battery LOL

---

His homecoming was everything he'd dreamed of, full of joy and love and the gleeful shriek of a toddler thrown into the air. Jeff held Scott close, wrapping an arm around his wife as he stared in awe down at the sleeping baby she was gently rocking back and forth.

"There he is," he breathed in wonder, hardly daring to reach out and brush back the shock of red hair.

"There he is," Lucille agreed mildly. "Worth waiting for, Daddy?"

"I wish I could have been here."

A tiny hand closed around his finger and Jeff swallowed thickly.

"UNCLE LEE!"

Scott's shout sent his ears ringing and he looked up to see Lee peel away from the swarm of reporters and make his way towards the family.

"Hey Steven," he said reaching out to ruffle Scott's hair, sending him into peals of laughter.

"It's Scott!" protested the toddler but Lee only pulled a face, making him giggle even more.

"And hey to you, sis," he said, beaming at Lucille. "Got a second to share the newest nephew with your big brother?"

"Honestly Lee, you're less than ten minutes older, it hardly counts," she said rolling her eyes.

"You tell that to a racecar champ, see what they say," he retorted as he leant down. "Oh wow, the kid's something special, isn't he?"

"He sure is," said Jeff. "You did good Luce."

"How old's Jim now?"

"John," said the parents as one.

"Honestly, Lee," added Lucille. "How do you expect to be the favourite uncle if you don't even remember their names?"

Lee waved a hand. "I already had to learn all of Laura and Leonard's kids' names," he complained. "You can't expect me to keep track."

"I keep track just fine," pointed out Lucille with a suppressed smile. "And look out because Lily's pregnant now too, remember?"

Lee slapped a hand across his forehead. "Dang it, I'd forgotten she'd said that in the last vid. Is that why she's glaring at me?"

"Better go find out," said Jeff with a grin. "Hey Scott, want to go help Lee win Aunty Lily over with that cute smile of yours?"

"Yeah!" said Scott, his feet wriggling as he tried to escape Jeff's grip.

Lee gave Jeff a significant glance as he grabbed the toddler's hand, and Jeff felt his mouth go dry.

He knew what Lee was silently suggesting but the timing felt all wrong.

"Jeff, honey?" Lucille asked gently, seeing the shadow that had fallen over his eyes.

"We need to talk," he said in a low voice, trying not to look around at the reporters and give them any hint of a story. He didn't fancy causing anytime of spectacle. "Not here. And nothing bad," he added hastily. "Just important to me."

Lucille reached out and squeezed his hand. "If it's important to you, it's important to me," she said with a firm voice. "Do I need to beg off Mom and Dad's dinner? John's got quite a voice on him; he'll probably start screaming the minute he wakes up, we can use that."

"Don't be silly, Luce," said Jeff, kissing her cheek. "Your parenrs went to a lot of effort, especially with Ma and Pa's flight out here delayed."

"Who's being silly? You stay here with the baby and toddler and I'll go to Mars next time. Is it so wrong I want you all to myself instead of smiling over a celebratory dinner?"

As though he could sense his mother's sharp words, John stirred and opened his eyes to see his father - little more than a stranger - staring down at him. He wrenched his small hand from Jeff's pinky and screwed up his face to let out an almighty wail.

"Oh no, Johnny," said Lucille, frantically scooping him up into her arms and unsuccessfully attempting to soothe hum. "Jeff?" she said desparately.

Jeff hurried over to make their excuses at once, noting the family's knowing looks of sympathy and realising that this must not unusual for his second son. Lily looked faintly disquueted, while Lee held nothing back and clamping his hands over his ears as he near shouted his goodbyes.

"Mommy says Johnny has big feelings," said Scott solemnly as Jeff reached down and hoisted him up onto his hip. "But I think they're just loud."

The journey back to Lucille's parents' house where they would be staying was short, yet when Jeff compared it to the long months in space he knew which he preferred. It didn't take long for John's screams, which seemed even louder in the enclosed space, to get under Scott's skin and before he knew it, Jeff had two wailing children in the back seat, while his wife deftly climbed over to sit between them and provide what little comfort she could. He face was drawn tight and Jeff gripped the steering wheel as he glanced in the rearview mirror at her. His heart constricted in his chest, knowing she'd been left to parent their children without him these long months. It was abundantly clear that where Scott had been calm and easy-going, John was determined to throw as many curveballs into the mix. He finally quieted as they pulled into the drive and Jeff said nothing as he collected Scott and set him down in his high chair.

"Peas, Daddy?" asked Scott with wide eyes, and Jeff dutifully doled out half a cup of frozen peas.

"I need to go help Mommy now, be a good, bave boy for me, Scott, and hold tight. I'll get you the rest of dinner soon," he promised.

Lucille hadn't moved, head tipped back in clear exhaustion. She opened an eye as he leaned down next to the open car door.

"So how's Mom doing? Truthfully, without the cameras and your parents watching?"

She stifled a sob and it was all Jeff could do not to cram himself into Scott's toddler seat to comfort her.

"Oh, it's silly," she said, choking back tears. "He's wonderful really, I love him so much. I should have warned you, Johnny's just so very easily startled and you should have seen how he cried when we first introduced Mom and Dad to him, but once he starts he just doesn't stop and..."

She gasped and burst out crying again, and Jeff gently drew her out of the car.

"It's okay, Luce," said Jeff. "So he's wary of strangers, that's not so bad. Didn't we always say we wished Scott were just a little more frightened of them - remember when he wandered off with that old man at the grocery store?"

Lucille stifled a laugh. "Or that six year old at the lake who wanted to 'adopt' him?"

"Exactly," said Jeff. "We can't pretend each of our kids won't have their own challenges. Although one day, John's going to do amazing things with that voice and we'll get to watch him and be so glad he never stopped."

Lucille nodded. "I know, Jeff I do. But oh, it's been so awful being here for the last week and not at home. I love Mom, I do, but she's been driving me up the wall. If she comments on how we're raising the kids, or how you should be here or..."

"What?" asked Jeff, stricken as his blood ran cold. "She said that."

Lucille faltered. "She's not right, Jeff. We agreed, this was our decision."

"Is she wrong, Lu? Look at you, this has been an awful time for you."

"I'm fine," protested Lucille. "It's worse than usual with so many new people around and John frightened and Scott grouchy and..."

"Oh, heck, Scott," groaned Jeff. "I only gave him his peas."

"Oh Jeff, not the peas, Mom's convinced he'll choke on them, I promised not to give them to him."

"Go," he assured her. "I'll sort John out."

It was hours later when they finally sat down with their own dinner, freshly microwaved. John was fast asleep in the travel cot in their room and Scott playing on the floor in front of them. Jeff dropped his head against Lucille's shoulder.

"This is the life," he murmured, stifling a yawn.

Lucille hummed in agreement, silently gathering the plates to dump in the kitchen sink.

"Dad can deal with them," she muttered as she stretched out next to Jeff. "He owes me."

She reached up and patted Jeff's cheek.

"Now, don't think I've forgotten. You said you had an important thing to discuss."

Jeff was suddenly wide awake, his insides strangling themselves.

"Now?"

Lucille shrugged. "Why not? Kids are calm, family's out. I don't feel like waiting until we're back in Kansas, not if it's important to you."

Jeff shrugged. "Seems less important now. It's just you have a lot of time for introspection when you're several months out from Mars. And your brother kept me up at night with his snoring."

Lucille narrowed her eyes. "You're stalling," she accused. "Out with it, Jefferson Tracy."

"No laughing," he warned. "It's really not a big deal."

She crossed her hand over her heart, waiting expectantly.

Jeff took a deep breath.

"It's just that, well, I'm bisexual," he said in a rush. "I don't know why it suddenly became so clear to me, but there you have it."

He peeked up into Lucille's dark brown eyes. They were shining with warmth.

"Oh Jeff," she whispered. "How wonderful."

He blinked. "It's nothing special."

She smacked his shoulder lightly. "Don't be dense," she exclaimed. "What a wonderful discovery for you. Isn't is so incredible that you know yourself better now?"

He smiled shyly, warming to her enthusiasm. "I hadn't thought of it like that," he admitted softly. "I told Lee. The idea had been bouncing around in my head up there and I just had to say it out loud."

"Of course you did," she said. "It's the truth, isn't it? It's so hard to keep the truth contained sometimes."

She kissed him, her lips curving into a smile on his skin. "I'm so proud of you, honey," she whispered.

"Proud of you too, Daddy," announced Scott loudly, and they startled apart. Scott climbed onto the couch, beaming. "So proud," he declared. "Mommy says she's proud of me for walking 'cross the road nicely. Did you do that too?"

Jeff laughed and hugged his eldest son.

"Something like that."

[edgessunflower]

Non physical compliments prompts Pt 2

Part 1

Divider credits to @xxbimbobunnyxx

"Your intelligence always impresses me"

"Being around you makes everything better"

"I can always count on you"

"The people you love are lucky to have you in their lives"

"I love how you make everyone feel special"

"You really help me see the positive in life"

"The time we spend together is healing my heart"

"I can't imagine my life without you"

"Not everyone can go through what you went through and be who you are because of it"

"You give great hugs"

"I am proud of the person you've become"

"There's so much I can say on how you've changed my life by just being in it"

"You are such a good friend to me"

"Anyone can come into your life but a real person is always there for every moment from the moment they are apart of it"

"I am better for knowing you"

"Thank you for being you"

"I appreciate your presence"

"You have the best heart"

"We wouldn't be here without you keeping us going"

"Your vulnerability helps me feel like I can be myself"

"I love that you stand up for what you believe in"

"Thanks for being so trustworthy"

"Our conversations always make me feel better"

"I admire the strength you have"

"Even in a room full of people, you make me feel like it's just me and you"

"My face lights up whenever I think of you"

"You are my favorite flower in human form"

"The way you experience joy is beautiful"

"I am so proud of the person that you are"

"You're like sunshine on a cloudy day"

"When anyone feels low, you're right there to pick them up and pull them out from the rain"

"Everyone is weird and it's what makes you special"

"Love looks pretty on you"

"I want to go on so many adventures with you"

"You are worth more to me than words can explain"

"Everything about you is beautiful"

"My favorite place to be is anywhere with you"

"Your hugs feel like home"

"I look forward to being in your company"

"Thank you for being a safe person for me"

"You make me smile even when I'm trying not to"

"I think of you in colors that don't exist"

"Life is everything to you even when it's hard

"Talking to you is how I deal with...everything"

"When I thought that life wasn't worth living... you came into my life"

"You make me feel better"

[bogglebabbles]

Sappy (but positive!) babbling under the cut.

I can't believe I've been back in Canada for almost 5 years now. The time before feels like a completely different life, and the more time passes, the more it feels like someone else's memories. I've grown and lived so much in the last 5 years, just felt the full breadth of human emotion not muted by the baseline fear that followed me everywhere when I was in that situation.

I'm not going to lie, I've been heavily depressed the past couple of months, I'm isolating and flaking, and I'm still trying to pull myself out of the spirals. But just thinking back to where I was back at the beginning of 2019, how I thought I was so uniquely broken and that I wouldn't make it to the summer, it's wild to me how lucky I was to have the support and love I needed even when I was at my most vicious, fearful, and ugly.

Happy New Year to all of you. I hope we all get to feel the joy of being our favourite version of ourselves in 2024.

[crimson-calligraphyx]

9: If I'm There

The day of my father's funeral was here, and I knew that this would be one of the most painful days of my life. I couldn't sleep last night, and it was very apparent with the dark circles under my eyes, paired with the puffiness of crying the whole night.

I wish I had seen him before he passed, even for just one minute, so he could've went on hearing me say that I loved him one more time. I wasn't able to visit him, or my mom for that matter, due to work and my own selfish choices, and I will never forgive myself for that. Especially now that I was undeniably following in his footsteps, and I didn't know what to do about it.

I know that if I confided in my mother about this, it would absolutely destroy her, and I couldn't do that to someone who has dealt with an alcoholic husband for 22 years. The only reason I admitted it to Noah and Vic was because he called me out on my bullshit. I couldn't just sit there, visibly unwell from withdrawal that morning, and lie to him and myself that I was fine.

Sighing, I gave up on trying to cover the bags under my eyes with makeup—there was no use in hiding it. I threw all my makeup back in its bag and left the bathroom after fluffing my unruly hair and straightening my dress out, which was fitting a lot looser than I remembered. "They get what they get," I mumble to myself, accepting the fact that I looked as terrible as I felt. With that being said, I filled a travel mug halfway with coffee and topped the rest off with Bailey's.

-

I didn't realize how much I had missed my mother's embrace until she engulfed me in a bear hug. "God, Heather Olivia, I've missed you so much," she sniffles over my shoulder. I cringed at my full name coming out of her mouth, but her being my mother I let it slide. She pulls away from me and grabs my hands, giving them a firm squeeze as she takes in my appearance. I could see the grief in her expression transition into worry while her eyes trace over me. "Oh, honey," she whispers, fresh tears welling up in her eyes. "I'm so sorry you didn't get to see your father before he passed, but," her voice cracks as she tries to hold back her cries, "just know that he loved you so, so much." "I know," I respond, barely audible. "I've been so busy with work, I'm sorry I wasn't around." My lips tremble as the guilt begins to build inside me. "I know, baby, I know," she comforts me, tears rolling down her cheeks now. "Please don't ever apologize for taking care of your life."

I screw my eyes shut and shake my head, my own tears falling now as the shame consumed me. I wasn't taking care of my life, I was just existing at this point.

During the eulogy for my father, Victoria and my mother sat on either side of me, holding my hands in support. I could barely comprehend what was being said; the only thing consuming my mind was the relief I was going to feel when the next bit of alcohol entered my bloodstream. I just wanted to forget everything about this day so that I didn't have to think about it later in life, and the best way to do that was by numbing myself with booze.

I was on autopilot as the train of people came through and gave me and my mother their condolences. I didn't hear a single word that was said to me, I just shook their hands, said 'thank you', and planted a fake appreciative smile on my face. The only thing that pulled me from that fog was when Noah appeared in front of me, and I didn't even realize it was him at first. He wore a black turtleneck and dress slacks and his hair was pulled up, neatly clipped to the back of his head. I only realized it was him when I shook his hand and saw the splash of color on his tattooed hand.

He brandished a soft smile, the corners of his lips curling up. I couldn't contain myself and threw myself at him, clinging onto him. It was a surprise to have him show up today, and it filled me with such gratification that tears of joy sprung to my eyes. "I can't believe you came," I mumbled into him. He squeezes me back with the same intensity, and I felt a chuckle buzz through his chest, "Of course, why wouldn't I?" "I don't know," I huff out a small laugh. He rubs a hand up and down my back, "I promised that I would help you get through this, remember?" I pulled back and looked up at him, "That was before he died, though." He scoffs, "Don't be stupid. You think that I'd just stop caring because he died? If I'm there for you, I'm. There. For. You," he enunciates, shaking me lightly by the shoulders with each word, a playful smirk on his face. My heart swells as I chuckled apologetically, "Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me."

After the funeral, Noah had convinced me and Vic to join him and the rest of the band for dinner; the guys had been pretty adamant about getting together tonight. For what reason I didn't know, but I really didn't feel like socializing at all. My social battery had been completely drained from the events earlier today, and all I wanted to do was curl up and try to catch up on the sleep I had lost.

"So, we've got some pretty cool news," Noah announces after he swallows an enormous bite of his burger. "We're gonna be going out on a small tour in a few weeks!" I would normally find the cheer and excitement on his face to be contagious, but that statement made me damn near choke on my food. I realized that I was the only one who wasn't smiling while everyone else whooped and hollered, congratulating them on the upcoming tour. I tacked on a fake smile when the boys turned their attention to me, hoping that it seemed genuine enough. Don't get me wrong, I am excited for them to go on and get their name out there, but I was selfishly dreading the absence of Noah.

Vic had noticed my depleted mood and elbows me lightly in the side as I pushed my pasta around on my plate aimlessly with my fork. I looked over at her as she leaned in close to me. "You doing okay?" she whispers. I nod, "Just tired. I didn't sleep last night." She purses her lips and gives my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze. "We can get going if you'd like," she offers. I shrugged. It didn't matter to me what we did; I was still going to feel hollow on the inside. It was just a matter of how long I could keep up with the façade that I was alright.

Noah

"Dude, no, what you've got going here is good shit," Nick Ruffilo hypes me up as he takes a swig of his beer and nods at my notebook. I sat there with my elbow on the bar, propping my head up while tapping the paper with my pen. I shrug, "You think so?" "It's real, and I can tell exactly where it's coming from," he tells me with a smirk on his lips. "It's about Liv, isn't it?" I felt my cheeks heat up with embarrassment that he called me right out. Then again, I should've known; he knows me better than anyone else. "Yeah," I sigh while rubbing my eyes with my thumb and index finger. "I'm just really worried about her, dude. You know how she was before her dad died... I'm so afraid that it's going to get worse." He nods, understanding. "I get it, but she's got Vic. She works here at the bar, she definitely knows how to handle drunk people." "Yeah," I chuckled sarcastically. "But that's not the point. The point is I don't want her to be drunk all the time and have Vic babysit her, you know what I mean? Like, that's not healthy."

After some time, my intrusive thoughts about Olivia started to dwindle, being replaced with excitement of what was to come in a few short days. Nick and I had changed the subject to our upcoming tour—what we expected, what our goals were, what places we wanted to possibly visit if given enough time to do so. It wasn't going to be a very long tour, with shows mostly on the east coast, but it was still thrilling to get on the road.

And just like that, those worrisome thoughts came flooding back when I saw Liv walk—stumble, really—into the bar. Part of me was happy to see her, but I could feel my heart sink when I noticed how fucked up she was. Of course, it was Victoria's day off, so Liv was not going to get cut off from the start. "Dude," Nick mumbles and shoots me an uneasy look, portraying exactly how I felt on the inside. "I know," I hiss through clenched teeth. I shook my head and turned my attention to the Corona I had sitting in front of me, unable to bear seeing her like this.

I tried my absolute best to pay no mind to it, but it was like my mind was hard-wired to her. I couldn't hear anything but her laugh and her slurred words as she ordered shot after shot of Sambuca, whining that 'Victoria would've chilled them for me'. My stomach was churning just thinking about how much alcohol she must've consumed to get to this point. I pushed the Corona away from me, completely turned off from any sort of booze.

I looked down at the lyrics I had been writing, feeling my throat get tight as I tried my best to keep it together.

There are scars that'll never ever show themselves You get when you're left alone too long in Hell They tried to keep in the secrets that you wouldn't tell But they just stripped you for parts you had to sell

Well, if I'm there to catch you when you fall You'll have a friend down in Hell after all And if you're there to catch me when I fall Then maybe Hell ain't so bad after all

Groaning, I flipped my notebook shut and aggressively wiped the tear that escaped my eye. "Noah—" Nick starts. I cut him off by throwing a hand up, "Just... Don't. Please." "No, dude, look," he pulls on my shirt to get my attention, and points behind me. The amount of anger I felt boiling in my veins when I realized what he was trying to show me was unmeasurable. I ground my teeth together, clenching my hands into tight fists as my arms trembled with rage. There was Olivia at the opposite end of the bar, disoriented and slumped against the counter as a man was blatantly assaulting her, groping her with his mouth on her neck.

With adrenaline manipulating my actions, I crossed the bar in two strides, yanking on the hood of the man who was taking advantage of Olivia. She was dead weight in his arms, practically a rag doll as he began to drag her to the exit of the bar. She was clearly not consenting to this.

"Get your hands the fuck off her," I growled as I pulled him towards me, choking him with the collar of his hoodie. He lets go of Olivia, having her stumble into a table nearby with patrons helping her stay on her feet. "What's your problem, huh?" Dickhead exclaims as he tries to size me up and shoves me back. I don't know what came over me, but I suddenly had this asshole pushed up against the wall, digging my elbow into his neck. "Were you raised by animals? You don't touch women like that. Ever!" "Is that your girl?" "'My girl'—she's not property that's to be owned," I laid more pressure into his throat, enraged that he would objectify her. "Fuck...you," he struggles to say, yet somehow he still managed to spit in my face. Disgusted, I let go of him to wipe my face off. He starts to laugh, until I wound my arm back and socked him in the nose, dropping him.

I stood there panting, fists still clenched as Nick comes up behind me and wraps an arm around me to calm me down. I shook him off and make my way over to Olivia who was now alert, but still not all there. She was visibly shaken, tears streaming down her cheeks, and it broke my heart knowing that it was probably due to my actions. I huffed and shook my head, disappointed in myself, "I'm sorry you had to see that, Liv—" I'm cut off when she suddenly had me in a vise grip, squeezing me as tight as she could while crying into my chest. I wrapped myself around her, one hand massaging the back of her head. "I'm so sorry this happened to you," I whisper to her. She picks her head up and locks eyes with me, "Thank you for saving me."

In that moment, I felt my heart begin to pound in my chest as I understood why I told her that I thought blue was my favorite color that day. I could see now, clear as day that Olivia's eyes were blue, and it took me until today to realize that I am in love with her.

And that scared the ever-living shit out of me.

|Chapter 10|