#I can’t take another episode of you two verbally edging each other

[1spooky2me]

Just…Just talking…..Right guys? (Part 2)

[tofumedic]

Brothers + Diavolo w/ a selectively mute GN!MC

summary: how well the brothers would be able to deal with you being selectively mute and how they respond to you talking to them !

Lucifer

Other than Diavolo, he may be the only one to know beforehand as helping in the organization of the RAD program, however it may only be overlooked if it is not present in any kind of record like schooling or medical.

When you first come into Devildom, your D.D.D. may be used as a sort of translation object between you and those present.

He is a little peeved in the beginning before you are able to explain it, he would regain his calm but would see it as a small setback to how he expected orientation to go.

Other than that he quickly learns about you and how you work so that he can work with you while trying not to dote on you!

The one that would gift you small portable whiteboards and markers if you had a preference over it for typing, professional though only dark blue and black inked markers <//3

Your first words to him are probably about answering a question or a summons, he does a lot of both but don't call him out for being clingy okay

Anyways

If this man is standing or getting up to greet you expect him to stumble, just slightly catching himself on the edge of his office desk or resting a hand against the wall

When he meets your eyes you can see there's a pinch of panic of "you did not just see that please tell no one" that melts back into "oh my god???????"

He's quick to relax back into what he wanted to talk to you about, not wanting you too feel anxious or guilty for however long it took for you guys to have a mutual trust and safety net.

For the rest of the day his face remains in this pleasant smile and everyone except Asmo and Beel are suspicious, Mammon being especially on edge.

If they call him out on what has him so happy today he will brush them off for being nosy about what isn't their worries but the small blush that rises to his face as he crosses his arms does not help his case.

Mammon

He is all of your noise

He gets forgetful and will try to have conversations across the house by yelling at you only to barge into your room in his petty fake anger just to see your face either amused at him or completely deadpan and he just ....🧍‍♂️

He gets anxious about leaving anywhere without his D.D.D. now what if his human needs him while he's not "bothering" you

Takes extreme pride in helping you order food when you go out places whether with his brothers or just alone, he loves it. Not only does he get an excuse to sit by your side and lean into your shoulder to see what menu item you're pointing at but it means he also has less worry about, he likes being close by to help you just in general.

Your first words are probably involving some drama he was mourning over earlier that day, probably with Lucifer or being the butt of the joke with another brother.

If Lucifer would stumble, expect this man to fully fall. God forbid you two are walking down the stairs instead of him rolling off the edge of your bed or just plopping on the carpet.

He would be so excited, his cheeks are burning even though you may have not even complimented him those words are gonna be ingrained to his memory maybe even written down in his notes app.

But he will downplay how happy he is that out of all of them he was the first you talked to, because of course it would be him the great Mammon and your first man it just made sense.

He's over the moon he won't flex it unless you start being verbal with more of his brothers he doesn't want them to pressure you into speaking no matter how much the urge bubbles up while Asmo is talking about how you would rather match outfits with him that others

Leviathan

He doesn't mind that much, at the beginning of your relationship he is very shy and doesn't really start talking unless something reminded him of one of his shows or games

Will gain a habit of just texting you instead of asking you a question outloud, just because he thinks its more polite and understands as in sometimes it's too much energy to open his mouth to speak

Teaches you phrases from his games, basically call outs, as an extra layer of code to let you know if you're camping out in his room that he is gonna leave for a package (going to spawn camp) or food (healing) etc

He does get jealous saying it's unfair about Mammon helping you order stuff in the "irl" while absolutely being too nervous to do it for himself as well

You two have your own codes for entering each others room, knocking to the tune of a popular sound effect from a game you play together for the ease but he enjoys when you try to do the beginning of an ost or girl group song and he tries to guess it

Your first words for him are probably you entering his room with some snacks or having picked up a package for him from his door, his response to you entering would be asking you to hold on this match or episode was almost done

So when you give out hum and either let him know you're staying or you're signing off (leaving) it's an insta-death, his attention is caught so fast

His posture extremely straight from his hunched focus as he speedquits his match closing every tab back to desktop before standing up on his wobbly legs and giving you the most affection he can handle of having that without warning

He gives you a small headbutt, pushing his forehead into your shoulder as he controls his breathing. He can't handle it that's like finale love interest marrying the protag and you hit him with it so lightly.

He wouldn't change his preference of texting you questions as it's something he's still comfortable with and you speaking to him makes him feel like he's reached masters rank without losing any matches

Satan

He is your best bet for knowing sign language, he finds it interesting that there are so many regional variations has tucked his knowledge of them into his big ol head

His movements would be hesitant as he's mentally dusting off the memory of practice but he is very good at it, though he wouldn't be more than only a pinch disappointed if you didn't prefer that way.

He be more interested in you in the beginning before learning about your magical presence and the pact hunt, it's unusual to him and he likes the study

Picks up small things that are unnoticeable to everyone but you about small habits and things that barely make it easier, like remembering to rebuke Mammon when he goes to order but forgets you don't like a certain ingredient and asks for it to be removed himself.

Would ask if you would like to learn Devildom's concept of sign language, maybe just quick easy signs for going about RAD tasks and classes

Your first words are probably said to him in the safety of his study, surrounded by books or even your homework while he reads

MC i love you very much but i feel like it would be something really stupid or cursed along the lines of

"I'm tired of people making Frankenstein's creature ugly he's literally written to be sexy" or "Why are people so attracted to Dracula he's supposed to ugly af >:/"

He would be.. very nonchalant about the fact it was you speaking to him and acting like he was talking to one of his brothers and going against you in the argument until he picks up those books to prove his side to be like "oh."

He needs a moment after such a not so public embarrassment so it would be later while you're both laying in your respective rooms and he's going over it in his head and then it hits him. It also hits that it was perhaps the most unromantic way it could have gone but it makes him smile into his pillow.

He has it as a secret weapon against Lucifer but he likes knowing something his brother doesn't

He can't look at you for too long the next day but will use the two figures of your mock argument to lightly bully you being soft on you in the comfort he wanted you to know was returned

"In case of argument, you would make a very good creation made in such a pleasing image"

Asmodeus

He is willing to fill up space for conversations for you also, he has a lot to say but will still ask you questions and for your input so you're included

He thinks the whiteboard concept is very cute! He would be the one to get you little accessories like a bag just for that and your markers or a strap for it. He would also be the one to get you more marker colors, you having just black and dark blue is unforgivable

Enjoys asking you how you're feeling, in a way that's easier if you didn't want to write or type it all out is giving him a number between 1-10. 10 is for your absolute worst like if you are having a day that you can't get out of bed or 1 where you're feeling really good like nothing can hurt you.

Doesn't force you to go out and party with him in case it's bad for your nerves or there's a worry demons will rude about "their advances being ignored."

Likes being close to you, so you can write in a notes app or use some other alternative other than texting where he might not see it getting buried by other messages.

Asmo would enjoy either holding hands or wrapping his arm around yours of your non dominant side, he makes good by staying on that side when he's going for affection or just to be in your bubble.

You talking to him for the first time would probably being during an outfit review or ordering new face masks off of Akuzon.

And he would melt, pelting you with kisses smothering every empty inch of your forehead, your cheeks, the bridge of your nose he's so happy

Whatever you were doing or looking at becomes his favorite, a fit he wears when he feels down to keep him happy, or using a specific brand of nail polish or face mask specifically due to the memory

Would find any lisp or rasp overwhelmingly adorable, of course it fits his angel you sound undeniably perfect. Loves how conversations sound with your two voices mixing together.

Beelzebub

He wouldn't completely understand but he isn't rude about it, his actions remaining normal to how he usually acts

If you wanted to learn their version of sign language he would try with you no matter if it was a struggle to fit into his schedule between the gym and spending time with Belphie and RAD and anything else but wouldn't want you to do it alone

He would keep you safe from anyone who had a problem with it, he's used to Belphie not wanting to talk to people other than him so he would be able to handle it especially if you two had similar gestures you used

Beel is also quite quiet in his own other from rumblings or dislike about being yelled at, he's good at still talking and holding his ground in arguments too but affection with him would be extra quiet compared to extra brothers

Your silence other than shuffles or small laughs, it's comforting like a sense of calm. It makes him think of your human dream catchers always quiet yet supposedly helpful and healing

You may verbally ask for a treat or some of his snack he brought for you two instead of a small gesture if your arms are trapped in the cuddle position you've been stuck in and any food he was eating would pause. Giving him a second he would easily give you all that was left

"Not hungry anymore" he would say his eyes warm before closing with his warm smile, he melts more into you like a jacket to let you feel how warm his heart was.

You were always special even if as an agent of chaos with some of the phrases you would drop, and he would adopt into his vocabulary and even further speaking for you in situations you couldn't

Belphegor

Belphie when you first met would give you a different gaze, in a slight squint almost breaking his image of being a helpless human but he would override it, continuing on like normal

At the beginning he may have even less belief in you getting pacts with his brothers but you still prove you're capable and things are normal for how he would treat you, not really changing just like Beel.

For a man (demon) to say actions are stronger than words, he certainly strains his ears just in case you answer his question in that way not that you would know and i certainly did not let you know ok??? cool cool

Other than that he really doesn't mind!!! You and Beel are really his top two people he has interest in being with and you being mute wouldn't change anything ! He may seek you more for naps outside of his room or the attic you don't move as much as Beel does as long as he doesn't curl up over your arms

In the privacy of one of your rooms- whether Asmo and Mammon are out on the town or in his while Beel is at the gym or somewhere else- is your first words spoken as softly as you can to him

Him laying across you with his head resting with his mouth close to your collarbone and ear resting almost on your neck he can feel the vibration in your vocal cords, you were probably asking him to move

Which you probably thought he was doing but any movement was so he could be closer to that feeling of your words if you spoke again, his knees tucking up while his toes curl

You wouldn't be able to fully process just how important that action was to him, you trusted him and felt safe and could let words out to him, after everything that was real forgiveness.

Diavolo

Him just looking over and encouraging you being chosen by Lucifer, he probably would not know unless again it was strongly present in your transcripts

He would find it interesting, it was your first surprise to him and filled him with mirth at the concept of seeing Lucifer tense in confusion his feathers absolutely ruffled

Though while you were already human which meant your interactions were sure to be interesting to him, the way you interacted was also completely different from Solomon, he would love giving you his time no matter how Barbatos would sigh already seeing it before it went into motion

It may mean a little extra work for Lucifer but he wouldn't complain he did a good job picking you for Diavolo to enjoy your company so much even if he was slightly worried on your influence on him

For doting only predict help with fixing the RAD program and making your class experience more accessible, if he tries to help too much someone would certainly have a word with him

He's known being compassionate, he just wants it to be easy for you as it is probably hard enough on you between the brothers, school, and being selectively mute

He barely uses his D.D.D. but if you prefer using that it's no problem though do give him awhile to type out his long messaged questions instead of asking them on call

First words with him may be said on a trip out to explore or in his castle during a private moment in the retreat or in his office

No matter the context it would be a mood booster, he would compliment you you're voice is perfect to him it matches the image you've shown so far

It's a delight, you never fail to surprise him he may repeat your words in his own voice laugh resting on his breath. He'd ask you to stay a little longer if he can get away with it, and if he can't he surely will try

[south-park-meta]

why do you think cartman is abusing stan? they get along ok

I think Cartman's abusive towards everyone with Kyle and Butters getting the worst of it. But I have come around more to the way Cartman's abusive to Stan than when I made my initial analysis of their relationship. I said there that Cartman attacked things that mostly Stan's not bothered by, and some of that's true. Like, attacking him for caring about animals isn't something that affects him very often.

But with that said, there IS a core of attacking Stan for (lacking) masculinity and that actually does seem to be something he's anxious about...just not to Cartman directly. Cartman regularly calls him a pussy, gay, weak, seeming like a girl. The Cissy is probably the best example of the name-calling because it encompasses basically all of it

Do you know your girlfriend's going around tellin' everyone that you're gay?! [Stan looks around] Oh yeah! She's got the whole school believin' that she's attracted to girls, but she's dating you! So what does that make you, Stan?! A girl! STAN-AN'S A GIR-RL! You'd better curb your dog, Stan! You'd better curb your dog before people start ripping on you!

He tells Stan he's too weak to control his girlfriend, that he's gay, and that he's a girl all at once. Stan actually has a reaction (looking around, looking nervous, and he does end up talking to his dad and Principal Victoria. Cartman GOT a reaction, just not one he wanted).

The thing is, Stan's masculinity IS the thing he's most defensive of, and is his 'weak point' in relation to Kyle being Jewish, Kenny being poor, Butters being naive. He gets nervous about seeming gay and has to overcome it. He does get ripped on/ name-called/dismissed for not being manly enough or seeming gay by both his uncle, who he looks up to, and his dad, who he does (for most of the show) have a mutually loving relationship with. MOST of the 'Stan has a moment of character growth in the way of accepting who he is' comes down to him being okay with shirking stereotypical masculinity. Cartman is a master at honing in on weaknesses and he ABSOLUTELY has Stan's down.

So, then, why doesn't Cartman really tear the shit out of him more?

The thing is that Stan doesn't rise to the bait in angry outbursts. Kyle does. Kenny does, sometimes, too. Butters is specifically dismissed as a Kyle punching bag replacement because he doesn't. But Cartman also can't just casually abuse him constantly the way he does Butters, or put Stan's dick in his mouth while he sleeps, or give him a poop moustache, because Stan would up and leave the friendship, or actually physically beat him up. It has to be a verbal or emotional, non-physical attack. Stan doesn't get ripped on by Cartman more because he doesn't tend to take the bait in a way that would be fun and would let Cartman continue to feed off of it and really tear him to pieces.

So why doesn't Stan take the bait? Is he not upset by it?

The thing is he DOES get upset about this kind of thing. He just tends not to confront it directly. Instead he tends to want to compensate for the accusations. He tries to force Sparky to be straight. He doesn't play along at the wild west show because Wendy's there. He shoots and kills Skuzzlebutt. He becomes hypercritical of Gary and chews him out for Mormonism. And in each and every one of these cases, the best choice is consistently for him not to worry about seeming like anything except what he is. I think The Cissy is a step forward for him in, instead of outright denying who he is, he just sits down and questions it instead. Personally I think there hasn't been another comment on it since he came to the conclusion he is a boy (I know there're nb headcanons for him and I won't pick at it too much because I don't think it runs contrary to his character per se, I just don't agree with it. I see it as more of another masculinity introspection than really specifically a gender one), but I think it's a step forward for his character growth. He has multiple times gone through an arc of 'hide who you are, then realize who you are is really an asset', and sometimes that gets to a point of 'fuck what people think' but often it just kind of is what it is and he doesn't really do anything with it. He still cares about not being manly enough, and often the lesson of it is 'yeah you ARE kind of a pussy but it's fine, people will like you anyway, or being a pussy is beneficial to helping people'. While the recent seasons have made Stan more depressed and miserable, he's also FINALLY starting to get to a point of-- instead of worrying what makes other people like him, what makes him an asset to other people-- 'What makes me like myself? What makes me who I am?'

ANYWAY with all that said, the reason Cartman doesn't get much out of moments like this is that Stan often doesn't have a reaction, period. Sometimes it's because he probably literally doesn't care. He doesn't always value Cartman's opinion, and he does seem able to let a lot of comments go as just being bullshit. The other thing is that if it actually gets to the point of GETTING a reaction, it's not one that would be fun for Cartman. Literally the only thing that's ever come out of Stan reacting to the insecurity that Cartman harps on (whether because of Cartman or not) is that he either suppresses or questions it, and decides he likes himself more as he was to start with. Like he very consistently has improved himself through being criticized on this very point.

So does he have a point that Cartman can hurt him on?

Absolutely, and that point is Kyle.

Stan consistently has stronger, more hurt, more violent reactions to Cartman when it's Kyle that Cartman's going after. When Cartman makes a comment that Kyle's going to die, Stan tells him not to say things like that (even though people regularly die or talk about death around them). When Cartman's treating Kyle unfairly and Kyle can't do anything about it himself, Stan rights it. Even when Stan and Kyle aren't getting along, multiple seasons after Stan told Kyle that he was destroying the last thread of friendship they had left by siding with Cartman in the GOT arc, he still takes tit-for-tat revenge on Cartman in Band in China for Kyle's sake.

The way to get Kyle to respond in a fun way is for Cartman to attack Kyle.

The way to get Stan to respond in a fun way is for Cartman to attack Kyle.

I think it's noteworthy that when Cartman checks out on the 'broship' it's after Stan has checked out on Kyle, and pointedly stayed out of Kyle's fight with Cartman even after Kyle asked him to get involved with it. It's not worth keeping Stan tied in to the group because he's not coming to Kyle's defense, so there's no fun to be had in Stan hanging around. It's ALSO noteworthy that Kyle is equally blindsided by both of them.

But, okay, Cartman is nice to Stan sometimes. He's probably nicer to him than he is pretty much any other character. I think Cartman was playing a balancing act and lost.

He wants Stan and Kyle to be friends, because their friendship is important to get them both riled up. But he wants himself to be the most important to both of them, and that means he HAS to knock them down a peg in each other's opinions. They need to be friends with each other, good enough friends that Stan wants to defend Kyle when Cartman's mean to him and Kyle can't defend himself. It's no fun if Kyle's literally defenseless and Cartman gets jack for a reaction. But they have to be best friends with Cartman, because Cartman has a massive ego. This is a pretty damn hard line to walk.

But here are some nice things that Cartman's done for Stan:

-He came and hung out with him on Tegridy, and had solo activities bonding with him through board games and things like that.

-He helped Stan with the drug ring in Hummels and Heroin

-He saved the pangolin

The first two things are a clear spit in Kyle's face. Kyle is the core group who seems most disconnected from what's going on on Tegridy. Cartman is very clearly trying to take Kyle's place as Stan's go-to. Around(ish, keeping in mind the show's internal timeline) the same time, through the GOT arc, he is focusing his attention on bonding with Kyle.

Likewise, Kyle tells Stan outright he's not going to help with the Hummels problem in the second case. Cartman gets involved because Stan says he 'needs' him. He's willing to help because it puts him in direct competition with Kyle; he's helping Stan when Kyle told him to figure it out himself. He is weasling in on the best friend role.

In the last case, I think it's because he still wanted the 'broship' to work, and like I said I think he did up until Stan gave up on his friendship with Kyle. Stan's having a complete mental breakdown, which would cause issues and not be enjoyable on Cartman's end, so he'll give him a bone and let him maintain his sanity so Cartman can keep having fun pitting Stan and Kyle against each other while being besties with them both. He just flew too close to the sun and lost with it because Stan was teetering on the edge for the friendship since YGO and the next episode pushed him over.

In conclusion, Cartman's actions with Stan are 100% meant to manipulate him and emotionally destroy him. It just happens that Stan takes attacks on himself pretty internally and might even come out stronger for it. So for the most part if everything else is going fine, he's a tough nut to crack. The stuff that really fucks him up and tears him apart mentally is attacking Kyle, or attacking his friendship with Kyle.

[kamilah-the-bloodqueen]

Remember Me (4/???)

I AM SO FUCKING SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO FINISH. Honestly I lost a lot of motivation to write after Bloodbound because PB has greatly decreased in the quality of their books. I am still trying to find the time and motivation to write and am forcing myself to finish my series at the very least but if I am being completely honest I feel like the Kamilah fandom has died, PB’s books mostly suck and I don’t even really play choices anymore. Who knows, I’m trying to learn to write the code for episode so maybe I’ll start posting my own stories and choices on that platform with better plot, smut and less diamond focus since it would be a hobby. This chapter is ASS and mostly just moves the plot along - so if you want action I would wait for a different series or later chapter - okay bye!

Pairing: Adrian x MC x Kamilah (Amy)

Tags: I paused the tag list since it’s been so fucking long but if you want a tag please let me know because I’m pretty sure most people think this series died with me :)

Words: ~1500 (Short because I needed to finish a chapter to motivate me to finish the next)

Kamilah took a deep breath as she knelt on the floor beside Adrian, carefully wrapping her arms around her brother, her heart sinking with every sob that left his lips. She didn’t speak, she knew her words would come off too harshly and she couldn’t blame Adrian for feeling that way, after all she knew how much he loved Amy. 

“Adrian, I’m sorry. I...I truly don’t know what to say.” As their eyes met Kamilah saw exactly how devastated he was, and even in her two thousand years of life, she had never been in his situation. 

“Kamilah, do you think she’ll...well she says we’re just friends but do you think she’ll fall in love with me again?” His lips trembled, his hands shaking and his eyes glistened with tears. 

“I don’t know. As much as I believe love is a silly mortal affair, and a simple chemical reaction, it can’t be forced but I’m sure if you just be yourself and do your best to be her friend that any romantic feelings will follow.” Kamilah moved away as Adrian calmed himself, both of them passing a nod of agreement as he wiped his face clean with tissues. 

“Your wisdom has always guided me well Kamilah.” 

“I suppose that is two thousand sixty three years of experience speaking.” 

“Heh, I guess my two hundred years don’t nearly compare...” 

“You’re still a simple child in my eyes, I just took a liking to you.”

“Well, thank you Kamilah. It seems I owe you quite a bit.”

They both stood from the floor and took seats on Adrian’s office couch, Kamilah folding her legs and crossing her arms and Adrian crossing his ankles and folding his arms. 

“We’re practically siblings - you don’t owe me anything. Just try to take care of yourself and well...don’t expect anything from Amy. I’m sure this is difficult for her, difficult is an understatement. I can’t imagine what she’s experiencing.”

“Maybe I’ve been too selfish Kamilah...I’ve been thinking more about what I want from her instead of focusing on if she’s okay or what she wants.” 

“Sometimes it’s alright to be selfish, and I can understand why you felt that way but you are correct, we need to focus on what Amy wants now, not what she wanted before the accident.”

“You’re absolutely right. I can only hope for the best...I just really...I really wanted...I believed she was the one.” 

“I know you did. I wanted her to be the one for you as well, I still hope she comes back to you Adrian.”

“Me too.” 

Adrian’s phone buzzed at the same time Kamilah’s did, Lily having texted both of them to rendezvous with her and Jax at Amy’s old apartment to talk about the recent events. 

“We should go, but do you feel okay?” Kamilah patted Adrian’s shoulder as they both stood from the couch.

“Yes I think so.” They hurried to the elevator and got into Adrian’s black Mercedes as they navigated towards Lily’s apartment. Once they arrived Lily greeted them before guiding them up to the apartment where Jax waited on the couch with a beer in hand.

“Hey guys...how ya doin?” His words were slurred and he was obviously under the influence to a decent extent. 

“Tell me you have something other than beer Lily.” Kamilah grimaced as Jax took another swig of the beer. She had no problem with beer but she hated that brand and would rather remain sober than allow herself to drink that brand. 

“Yeah, vodka or wine?”

“Vodka.” Kamilah spoke without hesitation while Adrian grabbed a beer from the fridge and took a seat next to Jax on the couch. Lily began to pour Kamilah a shot, and once the glass was full Kamilah took the bottle from her and took two large gulps before sitting on the leather chair and holding the bottle with one hand. 

“So we’re here to get drunk? I thought we were supposed to talk about Amy?” Kamilah’s voice broke the deathly silence that filled the room. Adrian leaned in the door before removing his tie, unbuttoning his shirt and, grabbing three bottles of the cheap beer and sinking into the recliner opposite of Lily and Jax. 

“I didn’t want to drink...well grieve...alone. I mean I can’t do this with Amy anymore...well I could but it wouldn’t be the same... and I have my friend back but it’s really just...it’s not the same. I don’t know I just didn’t...you can leave if you want but I didn’t want to grieve alone…” Lily began to sob, her tears falling into her glass of wine as Jax and Adrian frowned. Kamilah held her stoic expression, but even the alcohol could not erase the ache she felt in her chest.

“I see, well I guess we all process grief differently…” Kamilah spoke calmly, but deep down she felt her own sense of grief. As she gazed around she realized how messy Jax’s hair and clothes were, and how exhausted and drained Lily was. “You guys look a mess…”

“Thanks Kamilah.” Jax drunkenly snickered and Lily sniffled. Adrian remained quiet, taking a long drink from the bottle in his hand before switching to the other glass and downing it just as quickly. 

“Does this not fucking hurt you?” Lily drunkenly scolded as Kamilah flinched ever so slightly. None of them had ever heard Lily so fragile, so devastated. She had every reason to be - she had lost her best friend - even though Amy had survived the accident, the memories were all gone and everything they had once shared was gone. 

“It...does...I was just remarking on-”

“I don’t care about your remarks, at least not now. Don’t you fucking get it? I lost my fucking best friend and I have to watch her find everything again! Do you know how that fucking feels Kamilah? I’m sure you do from all your time as a vampire, but please, for the love of god and for the sake of our friendship just shut the fuck up. I can’t handle this.” Lily’s hand gripped on her bottle as it shattered against her palm, the beer pouring onto the tile floor and seeping into the edges of the carpet. 

“I...apologize Lily…”

“It’s fine! It’s fine! Everything is fine I guess. I don’t know I just...I’m not coping well...and I feel guilty for saying that because Amy has it the hardest of us all and yet here I am getting wasted to be in her position - to forget everything while also being the person who put her in this position in the first fucking place. I don’t think it’ll ever be the same as it was before…”

“Maybe that’s for the best…” Adrian finally joined the conversation. Kamilah, Lily and Jax turned to face him as he swirled the bottle around in his hand - his brown eyes shiny from the tears that had built up. “...we all lost someone...Amy was a different person to each of us...but maybe we have to lose that person for some reason…”

“Adrian, do not try to give me that ‘it’s for the best’ bullshit.” Lily took a deep breath as Adrian shrugged. 

“I’m not. I guess it’s just the alcohol talking, but I was going to propose to Amy that night and maybe it was a sign I shouldn’t have, or maybe the world is punishing me for my sins...but fuck all of that...it’s...it’s a forgotten memory and we need to forget just like Amy...”  

---------------- Amy’s POV ------------------

It was a weird feeling that I couldn’t describe. Having people who seemed like strangers tell me all about the things we’ve done together gave me such comfort and anxiety at the same time. I wanted to believe and trust each of them but at the same time, it would be so easy to lie about it. Maybe I’m just being paranoid about the situation - nobody would really benefit from creating an elaborate story just to mess with my mind. 

God this IV really stings...and now that I’m thinking about it, my ribs really hurt too. I should call the doctor or nurse but it’s nearly midnight. I mean it’s their job but they’re humans and I don’t want to be that super needy patient…

At least that Lily girl seems genuine, I can see why I was her best friend. I appreciate her sincerity more than I can verbalize to her. I’m still wary of Jax though - that man looks like he could kill in an instant and I don’t want to get on his bad side. I’m glad they’re friends with each other though - they seem to get along really well and...Adrian. Poor bastard. I broke his heart. I broke his heart and I can’t even help it. How am I supposed to even really process that whole fucking mess. He’s so sweet and gentle and genuine and I can’t even reciprocate it back to him...but maybe with time I could…? But Kamilah...she makes my heart skip a beat too...but she’s so unlike anyone I’ve even taken interest in - callous and stoic most of the time with very few soft spots. It wouldn’t be any type of understatement to claim my heart is as confused as my head. 

[attack-on-kiwi]

Jean alphabet ?🥲😌

The crush I have on this man is embarrassing-

Jean Kiirstein:

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Jean is a simple guy. Any time he’s around his s/o, he’s content. Usually, he will let them pick what they want to do. He’s not averse to just spending a day tending to the horses and riding around valleys on them. He finds it freeing. It’s especially enjoyable if they two are sharing the ride and his s/o is hugging him just tight enough from behind and laughing into his back. He doesn’t think that will ever stop bringing butterflies into his stomach.

He looks forward to any sort of domestic activity. Sleeping in and holding his s/o from leaving bed, helping them cut up vegetables for breakfast, surprising them with flowers or sweets when he has the opportunity to- anything classic, sweet, and intimate.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

They bring him back to reality. He’s not idealistic in any sense- instead he tends to get lost in his thoughts and can spiral into negative outbursts. He can also become closed off, so having his s/o, who can snap him back to his sense and remind him that not everything has gone to hell (even though, it’s pretty damn close to being so), means the world to him.

Jean is smitten. Another guy who thinks his s/o is the most gorgeous being to ever grace the earth. He thinks they’re the most beautiful when. they’re concentrating on a task. The way they refuse to let anyone or anything get in the way of their objective, no matter how menial or grand, bubbles pride in him.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Jean would drop everything that can be put off to help his s/o. He absolutely hates when they feel upset, and he’s not that good at comforting people. He’ll just crouch down (or bring them down if they’re taller) to eye level and ask them what they need him to do. His voice is soft, laced with concern. 

Jean damn near might tear up himself if his s/o is upset enough. He’ll stay with them for as long as they need to, and then some more. He’s likely going to hover or keep an eye on them for the next few days to make sure they’re truly all right.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Jean wants to get married and have a family. He doesn’t care if the kids are biological or adopted, but he wants kids. He could settle for a son and daughter, but it doesn’t really matter. He’d like at least two kids to keep him on his toes. He aspires to give them the most peaceful life and wants to be present in their lives for anything and everything.

He’s terrified of the idea of becoming a husband and father, but it’s one of the thoughts that keeps him going. He knows he wants his s/o by his side for the rest of their lives. Considering everything they’ve been through, he’s already planning on how to propose.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Jean doesn’t think of being dominant or passive in a relationship. He can take initiative in most cases, but he’s not going to impose on his s/o. He’s present in the relationship, and will often check in with his s/o. to make sure that they’re okay. It’s important to him that they be transparent and aware of how the other is feeling, though he might bury his own feelings quite often.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Being as confrontational as he is, it’s not uncommon to get into fights. He never gets physical with his s/o. The two are rather prone to heated arguments that can escalate to screaming at each other if the conflict is serious enough. 

Jean absolutely hates that he can’t hold himself back. He’s too forthright with his thoughts.. He does try his best not to hit low blows. No matter what, his arguments are based on fact and he won’t rely on jabbing at his s/o’s insecurities to gain an edge during a fight.

He needs his space. Usually, this just means the two separate and cool down a few hours. The longest he will go without speaking to them is a night. First thing in the morning, he’ll try to calmly confront them and apologize for his behavior, asking if they can try to talk the issue out now that they’ve had some rest.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

Jean’s a grateful man, even if his slight pessimistic attitude can point you otherwise. He doesn’t verbally say that he’s grateful, but his actions truly speak louder than his words. He’s always got an eye on his s/o, he stops them when they’re overexerting themselves, he can sense when all they need is to be held for a few moments, and he’s always seeking out ways to make their day brighter. 

One way he might allow himself to be vulnerable is sitting behind them in bed and clasping their hands together, kissing each of their knuckles lightly. Jean likes to speak just above a whisper, listing why he loves them.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

No huge secrets. He does hide how he’s feeling at times, especially if he is stressed and doesn’t want them to feel pressured. Jean does press his s/o to tell him whatever is on their mind, though. The two have an honest relationship. You have to be blunt if you want to work with Jean, after all. He doesn’t mind if his s/o needs to keep secrets, as long as it’s nothing serious, like their loyalty to him shifting.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

Jean allows himself to be more sensitive around his s/o. Normally, he would never entertain being overtly emotional or softer yet around his s/o, he’s quite different. There’s a gentleness about him which no one gets to see any other time. Truly, he will keep this persona for behind closed doors, but it does seep into his day to day. He’s kinder to people after he’s spent time with his partner. 

He is fighting for the people he loves-- to guarantee they can live fulfilling lives, grow old, then finally die peacefully. It’s all he wants, and having people to fight for is his heaviest inspiration.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

He’s secure with himself in most senses, but there are times when Jean feels like he could be giving his s/o more attention or time. He may feel a twinge of guilt if his s/o starts to deflate at the idea of asking him if he has free time because it hurts that they worry about getting in the way of his work. During these episodes, it’s easy for Jean to become suspicious of other people, specifically other men, that are hovering around his s/o more than before. If it bothers him enough, he will call it out.

Usually, Jean is to ashamed of feeling insecure to outright explain why he’s jealous. His s/o can gauge if he’s uneasy by how clingy he is afterwards.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Jean’s kisses are either shy or extremely passionate. Depending on how much adrenaline is rushing through his body, he can encapsulate his partner in a fiery lip lock that will leave them short of an accidental asphyxiation (sorry I need to shut up). When he’s sleepy or has been missing his s/o, he’s prone to soft, short pecks. He likes to whisper into their lips, most of the time, he will be saying, “Just one more” as he dozes off.

His s/o is his first kiss, so it’s about as awkward as first kisses can get. His mouth and throat were dry. He wasn’t sure if he should tilt his face. They would get close then Jean would fumble, trying to adjust for better access. Finally, he got frustrated and just crashed their lips together for not even a second before pulling away, face glowing pink. Don’t worry, he’s gotten slightly better.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Jean discovers early on. Within months, he’s positive he’s in love with his s/o. He is terrified of telling his partner due to fear of abandonment and humiliation that stems from a childhood of being bullied. (pry this from my cold dead hands). Regardless of how strong he feels, he won’t outright confess his love until the two have been together for a good amount of time. That can amount to months or even a year or so, depending on just how serious he’s feeling about the relationship.

He’s the type of person that is practicing in the mirror how to confess, and unknowingly, his s/o will hear him. If he’s lucky, they feel the same way and just walk in to tell him they love him too and watch his brain short circuit as it processes what just happened. 

On a serious note, though, Jean would be nervous to confess. He’d make a date out of the entire ordeal-- choosing to take his s/o out for a nice dinner and at night, as they’re stargazing in a remote field, he’d hold their hand and say he needs to tell them something. Even in the evening, it’s easy to see him heat up. He’d whisper it at first. His s/o needs to let him collect his thoughts, and as soon as he’s gathered them, he’d confess full throttle. His voice shakes slightly, but his conviction is apparent.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Jean fantasizes of getting married quite often, and this only increases as he gets closer to his s/o. 

He’s honest with his s/o and the topic of marriage comes up in late night conversations quite often. He’s confessed that once the fighting is over, they’ll get married the next day. There’s no proposal, just a promise that keeps the two fighting to live another day. His mother actually gives him her own wedding ring, telling him to get it resized if need be, but she hopes it can become a family heirloom. Jean’s a romantic, and this gets him flustered yet excited.

Peaceful. Marriage with Jean is as mundane as can be. Sure, there’s going to be times when old friends come wreck havoc, but it’s all taken in stride. He likes waking his s/o up with a kiss to the cheek. If they want to pat his hair dry or brush it after his shower, he’ll try distracting them with sly neck kisses. He wants his kids to see how much he loves his spouse and groan in disgust as they try to get their parents to hurry up so they can all eat. Jean’s content/

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

He calls them by their name mostly. Sometimes he’ll shorten it or give them an alternative where it’s the first syllable of their name with -y at the end if possible. 

Jean calls them beautiful and gorgeous when he’s trying to make them laugh.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

The beginning is akin to puppy love. He’s so flustered but curious about everything they do and say. He’s kind to them and chokes up around them when he hasn’t had time to formulate a response. Definitely the type of guy who stares at his s/o wistfully with a dazed grin on his face. He’s been caught doing this to them across the room on multiple occasions. Needless to say-- everyone and their mother knows Jean’s smitten.

He tries to express his feelings by complimenting them. If he can help them out with errands or studying (if they met during the cadet training) he’s more than happy to shave off time to do so. He likes being able to take a load off their shoulders, so he won’t mind doing a little extra work.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Jean acts big, but he gets shy. The only time he’ll ever really kiss his s/o in front of others Is if he’s being teased or egged on and he wants to show he’s not ashamed of his partner. He loves them dearly, but showing affection in public isn’t the biggest priority for him.

 If they’re out in the market, he loves having them hold onto his arm as they lead him wherever the like. If there’s less people around, he won’t argue with locking fingers. His s/o might catch him off guard with some sneaky kisses that are sure to provoke him.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

Everything about his hands. They’re not as rough as some other people, though they aren’t insanely soft. He can give amateur massages and knows how to exert just the right amount of pressure to make the experience enjoyable, even for the most fidgety/ticklish s/o. It’s his secret to helping them relax and release pent up tension.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Jean loves romance. He loves being in love and having an excuse to try his hand at sappy love letters and poetry. He’s not the best, but what he writes down makes his s/o’s heart flutter. He just wants them to know how much he cares about them, even if he has a hard time expressing himself accurately. 

He’s the type of guy who picks up pastries because he remembered his s/o liked them a few weeks ago and the bakery finally made them again. He’ll polish their shoes if they haven’t had the energy to do it themselves. He’ll remind them to eat. His idea of making them happy is making sure that they are well taken care of.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

He’s their biggest fan and simultaneously their biggest critic. Jean supports their endeavors, but he will not mask his opinions just to make them feel better. He’s tough on them because he wants to see them succeed. He’ll help them if he can, but he won’t hold them back from their potential by lying to them. 

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Jean loves trying out new things with his s/o, especially once the world opens up to them. He wants to explore everything, while still having some sense of routine in their lives. No dates that could potentially harm him or his s/o. He’s spending time with them, not trying to fight for survival, after all. Dates can be adventures-- he won’t mind going on hikes or exploring nearby terrain, however, he’d much rather try new foods and experience new technology instead. 

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Jean likes to think he knows his partner inside and out, but he’s conflicted about the duality of everyone in his life when push comes to shove, so he finds himself wondering if he truly knows them. This is just his insecurity and hurt surfacing, but he can spiral into pondering whether his s/o care about him as much as he cares for them. He knows he gives them opportunities to tell them about themselves, and he’s picked up on their quirks over the time they’ve been together. In reality, Jean genuinely does know more about them than he thinks he does. It’s hard not to feel comfortable around him, after all. 

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

His relationship is extremely important to him as he’s always had issues with letting people in on his vulnerable side. He has insecurity issues stemming from a variety of sources and knowing how people could use him puts him off from working on most relationships. Finding his s/o and being slapped in the face by the reality that someone genuinely loves him and wants to learn with him is eye opening. Due to this, Jean tries extremely hard to work on himself and the relationship as best he can. There’s no way he’d half ass something so good.

Though Jean’s relationship is on the. top of his priorities, his mission is still going to overshadow his desire to be with his s/o. It’s not that the mission is more important-- it’s that he needs to complete the mission so that his beloved can finally rest. He wants to protect them, and protecting them means he has to put his life on the line, unfortunate as it is.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

Jean’s a mother hen to his s/o. He’s always nagging them to eat, sleep, shower and make sure they’re taking care of themselves. He’s always been in tune with the health of other people, and he just naturally wants to make sure that his s/o is in optimal condition. He will literally snap and physically force them to sleep if he needs to. He gets irritated if they’re neglecting themselves due to the fear of them getting hurt or sick.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Yes!! All he wants to do is cuddle. He loves holding his s/o, but he loves being held more. When they run their fingers through his hair and mention a silly hairstyle he could try, he almost considers it. He falls asleep on their chest almost every night. 

If he’s upset, a simple kiss to the cheek or head is enough to bring a small smile back on his face.

His favorite place to be kissed would be his temples. There’s something soothing and homely about soft lips brushing past his hair to linger right above his brow. It’s also a surefire way of inducing drowsiness in him.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Jean just bites the feeling back and swears that he will see his s/o as soon as he can. The idea that they will be waiting for him is enough for him to power on. Occasionally, Jean may doodle them in the margin of a report or in his personal journal. He thinks about what their next date could be and wonders if they ever found that stray cat they mentioned a few conversations ago. He thinks about them and all the things they can do once they’re together, and it’s enough to motivate him.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

He’s literally tryna save the world for them lol

~~~

Based off @snk-warriors​ fluff alphabet prompt

[seerofmike]

The Writing In Apex Kinda Sucks And Also They Use Ship Bait As A Plot Device I Hate It Here

a stupid essay/rant encouraged by @zombiegloss that originally started as a youtube video script so if its like. weird at points. this was intended to be a verbal rant SNZISKSIA

basically i'm gonna talk abt the caustic-wattson-crypto relationship drama and how i think it was mishandled and how much the writers kind of Suck because i Can

you are free to disagree with me on any of my points and think that this aspect of the story was handled well, this is just my opinion, and i'd love to hear your thoughts and counterpoints !

first, addressing some things:

i know this is a battle royale and not necessarily a story-based game, so i can’t expect it to have masterful witcher-style writing.

but with the direction the game seems to be going; putting quests, evolving interactions, and comics in the game, plus coming out with a lore book and hinting at something bigger in the future, i think it’s fair to criticize it for lackluster writing, especially since what i’m criticizing has been something present since Apex’s story technically began.

secondly, i am not a professional writer. i’m a high schooler who writes as a hobby. i don’t have the decades of experience that some of the apex writers do, and i can’t claim to be a better writer than they are--but i also don’t have to be a five-star chef to realize that something tastes bad. when i critique something and give suggestions, i am not saying i could’ve done it better. i’m just bringing up what i think could have worked.

third, before i upset anyone , when i say a relationship is badly written, i’m not telling you that you can’t ship it or that your ship sucks. i’ll briefly touch on the shipping aspect of this and how it’s a detriment to the story but Ye

okay, so with that out of the way, let us Begin

relationships are often the emotional core of a story, and how strong your reaction is to conflict in these relationships depends on how the story sets them up. if you want the audience to care about these characters and what they go through, you need to develop them and establish the type of relationship they have well. it’s why so many people cried in the last episode of telltale’s the walking dead. you’ve spent roughly 12 hours bonding with clementine and protecting her, and your relationship with her is part of several story beats as well as character beats for lee. 

when these two characters’ relationship reaches its peak at the end of the game, it’s powerful, and it’s emotional. you care. you feel something, and the fact that you have to choose what to do to lee only makes it more gut-wrenching. 

now, the walking dead is entirely story-based and especially character-driven, so it may be unfair to compare it to apex, but i just wanted to lay the groundwork down for what i think is a strong relationship that makes you feel something when conflict arrives, in this case the conflict being lee getting bit and clementine having to decide his fate.

the broken ghost in general is kind of not-good sometimes, tom casiello previously wrote for soap operas and you can really, REALLY tell sometimes.

this story feels like it should’ve taken place a little later, and that we should’ve had a season to actually set up the characters and their relationships, but that’s a story for another day.

to put it bluntly, the set-up for the crypto, wattson, and caustic conflict is done poorly. for caustic and wattson's relationship it’s a little better, but not by much. 

wattson and caustic having a relationship was hinted at in season 2, when her lore indicated that caustic was among one of the Legends who comforted her after her father died. In season four lore materials posted on Twitter, an email from Jacob Young states that Caustic is acting paternal towards Wattson. In season five, interactions get added to the Game, and this is the first time we actually see their relationship in action, as they have unique revive voice lines for each other. in the quests, when wattson is injured, caustic lashes out at loba and attacks her out of what seems to be anger at wattson’s current state.

Side Note this plot point was really stupid and done for cheap drama because she literally wakes up like two chapters later and they don’t even give her anything to say it’s just suddenly oh yeah crypto and wattson are working together. the same exact injury thing happens to octane later but nobody gIVES A SHIT because again, it’s just cheap soap opera drama.

their relationship might seem a little bit sudden for anyone who wasn’t on top of twitter lore drops, but like, it’s okay, i guess. i’ll give it the slightest credit for at least establishing something between the two in terms of voice lines and stuff, even if for some it might seem like it came out of nowhere.

what did come out of nowhere, though, was crypto and wattson’s friendship. in the quests, crypto and wattson are tasked with rebuilding the broken ghost because of their respective skills, and they’re seen talking in chapter six while they work on it. we’re not really given a clear timeline on how long the story in the broken ghost is, but i think it takes about a week, maybe.

unlike wattson and caustic, their relationship has been given absolutely zero material to work with before now, not even a passing glance in the trailers--which is a little weird considering crypto took down the repulsor tower and destroyed wattson’s home, but. Whatever.

tl dr of the chapter: crypto and wattson talk to each other while doing nerd shit, crypto laughs at wattson’s bad pun, and then suddenly they’re BESTIEEEES, until a couple dozen lines later in the same chapter. then they’re Not.

crypto’s drone gets hacked by revenant while everyone was kind of on edge after the reveal of a spy in their midst, he gets framed as the spy by caustic, anddddd wattson gets upset.

before i get into how dumb this storyline is, i’m gonna talk about the set-up to this conflict.

we have been given no reason to believe that these characters have ever talked to each other, and quite frankly, their friendship doesn’t really make sense.

ignoring the fact that crypto destroyed wattson’s home--which she probably doesn’t know about, so that’s forgiven for now--crypto is a paranoid guy. in the lore book he makes people stand on fucking footprints in his house so he can scan them for weapons and listening devices, and he apparently doesn’t stick around much after the games and nobody knows anything about him because he doesn’t talk to them.

a key part of crypto’s story is the fact that he is undercover and afraid of anyone finding out anything about him ever. him becoming friends with wattson kind of comes out of the blue, and we’re not even given a reason as to why they supposedly became close in the first place. i would kind of understand if like, maybe he draws parallels with her and mila in his mind and it makes him open up a little more, but that doesn’t happen. he just laughs at her joke and suddenly they’re friends.

maybe they’re trying to go for this ‘wattson can become friends with anybody’ angle, kind of hinted at with caustic but not really we’ll get into that, but that also? kind of doesn’t make sense since so many of her voice lines straight-up say she doesn’t understand people and electricity is more her thing, but honestly, she also does have those really friendly elements in her voice lines too, so its not as egregious as what they did with crypto.

their sudden out-of-the-blue friendship would’ve been fine if they spent a little more time fleshing it out, and giving us something to work with, but instead, the story immediately tries to rip it apart and frame it as this grand conflict where crypto is framed as the mole, crypto then accuses caustic, and wattson feels betrayed.

except it doesn’t really work, because we don’t give a shit. for several reasons. 

one: crypto and wattson became friends and then ended their friendship in the same exact chapter. they did not speak to each other onscreen until this chapter began, you can read the entire quest on the wiki and see for yourself that their interactions up until that point were nonexistent aside from mentions in the narration that they were building something together.

the reason wattson feels betrayed is kind of stupid too. why does she really care that much if one of them betrayed loba? nobody else really cared about the fact that one of them was a spy, in fact, nobody even seems to like loba that much, and they just found out that loba’s been lying to them this whole time, and wattson was conscious for that conversation and had a speaking line, so she’s fully aware of the situation. 

maybe it’s just like, the idea that one of them lied, but that’s still kind of a weak reason. 

this entire betrayal thing is just dumb, and it gets even worse when you realize that there could have been an actual legitimate reason for wattson to feel betrayed by crypto--even if it still would’ve come across as weak conflict because of their newly established friendship, it would’ve made more sense than this. 

Crypto destroyed Wattson’s home. He took down the tower and then all the flyers and stuff invaded Kings Canyon and made it their bitch. Not only that, but Wattson considers the Syndicate her family. The Syndicate are the very people who framed Crypto for murder and he’s trying to take them down. 

They could’ve set up actual conflict with these things, and it almost seemed like they would, because Caustic briefly brings up that Crypto could be working with Revenant because he has something against the Syndicate but then that doesn’t really go anywhere and we’re just back to Wattson feeling betrayed because either Crypto or Caustic was a spy and she doesn’t know who.

Weak conflict could’ve been made better by a strong relationship and a weak relationship could’ve still been interesting with strong conflict, but both the relationship between Crypto and Wattson and the conflict that drives them splitting up as friends were really weak and didn’t make much sense. 

It would’ve been ten times more interesting if Wattson found out Crypto ruined her home, the arena she grew up in, and was now participating in the Games to take out the people she regards as her family. That’s where her distrust could’ve manifested and conflict could’ve began, but instead it was the stupid betraying loba thing. why do you care. you just started talking to this guy like 2 hours ago.

also caustic’s whole reason for framing crypto feels stupid as fuck. he didn’t just frame crypto randomly, he framed him specifically because he doesn't want him to influence wattsob because he likes her Big Brain, but this is the FIRST time we have seen those two interact. 

what influence is he talking about? wraith and wattson have been shown to be friendly with each other in the trailers, according to tom’s tweets, and in the story too so why doesn’t he frame her? at this point the audience had slightly more build-up for those two’s relationship than crypto and wattson and a betrayal storyline would’ve felt a little more deserved if still weak.

this is the point where i briefly want to touch upon shipping, and the fact that part of this conflict feels driven by shipbait. 

aside from their relationship coming out of nowhere and the writers trying to make the stakes seem high and deeply emotional to the characters involved (despite this essentially being the first time they’ve ever interacted) tom casiello literally addresses shippers in a tweet regarding chapter seven, and as the story between these characters progresses, it becomes clear to me, at least that the crypto-wattson thing is just bait for shippers, and it’s lazy. 

it’s easy to get away with giving your characters little to no relationship development if you’re just counting on shippers to do the heavy mental lifting for you

why should i put any effort into making this relationship seem believable? people are going to see a young guy and a young girl having bare minimum interaction and assume there’s romantic interest! then i don’t have to do any work, see look, it’s a ready-made relationship wrapped in a bow for me! all that’s left for me to do is give them conflict so i can keep teasing shippers with lines like ‘you never deserved her’!

i think it’s reasonable for me to suspect shipbait, since tom casiello likes doing darksparks shipbait on twitter, and i’m like, eighty percent sure mirage and bloodhound suddenly being childhood friends in the book is shipbait too, because these characters were the number one ship in apex for a long time despite little to no interaction, and then all of a sudden in the lore book they’re childhood friends despite this literally never being mentioned before?

like bloodhound is set up to be mysterious and nobody knows what they look like, or where they’re from, or who their family is--except for mirage Apparently, who played with them when he was a kid on their home planet, and has seen them with their mask off, because bloodhound did not wear a mask when their parents were still alive.

its weird.

i’m pretty sure they’ve said somewhere they were working on this book before apex even came out, so i could just be completely wrong and they always planned for mirage and bloodhound to know each other, but if that’s the case, why did they never mention it like they did octane and lifeline?

i refuse to believe MIRAGE never brought it up either like ‘heeeeyy bloodhound remember when we used to throw eggs at our parents lab haha wanna go do to that to bangalore’s room’ 

[silence]

‘good talk buddy’

ANYWAYS I GOT OFF TOPIC. POINT IS, shipping is a detriment to the story because the writers don’t feel like they actually have to put any work into establishing or developing the relationship between characters when they know the community’s just going to do it for them anyways, and that they can put in shipbait and it’s fine and it makes sense when it really doesn’t.

imagine watching captain america civil war after not seeing a single other marvel movie.

why would you care about the avengers splitting up or tony and steve butting heads or steve’s commitment to bucky? you wouldn’t care, at least not as much as someone who’s seen all the movies and knows the relationship between the characters and why the sokovia accords exist in the first place. you don’t have context and you don’t have any reason to be emotionally invested in these characters’ relationship.

 this feels like that. the writers tried to squeeze this relationship and stuff into a single chapter and we don’t fucking care unless we were already invested in the idea of their relationship (shippers) because we barely spent any time with it.

so to summarize this little section, the set-up of this storyline Kinda Sucks! crypto and wattson barely seem to know each other, because we the audience barely saw them together and the writers are relying on shipbait in place of a relationship.

wattson and caustic are a little better but not great, but the conflict is stupid and it only gets stupider.

moving onto summarizing the rest of the broken ghost, gibraltar and caustic talk, caustic LITERALLY confesses to being the mole and says he framed crypto so he couldn’t corrupt wattson and to appear innocent because his identity was suspected, then that wraps up the season storyline.

season six begins with new voice lines, where wattson has had enough of crypto and caustic’s shit and is all passive-aggressive and going ‘this doesn’t change anything’. she has to decide who to trust, and how to figure out The Truth for herself because she’s not a little girl anymore. crypto and caustic are both trying to convince her they’re innocent and it creates some interesting conflict.

just kidding. it’s terrible conflict. you want to know why?

BECAUSE GIBRALTAR TRIED TO TELL HER THE TRUTH, RIGHT AFTER THE SEASON 5 QUEST HAPPENED, AND SHE LITERALLY REFUSED TO HEAR IT.

LIKE THERE’S A SEASON 6 LOADING SCREEN WHERE HE’S TELLING EVERYONE THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, AND WHEN HE GETS TO WATTSON AND IS LIKE HEY I KNOW WHO THE MOLE WAS AND WHY THEY DID IT, SHE JUST GOES i dont wanna hear it. i need to think

IF YOU WANT THE TRUTH WHY ARE YOU REFUSING TO HEAR IT

SHE SPENDS ALMOST TWO ENTIRE SEASONS MAD AT CRYPTO FOR SOMETHING HE DIDN’T DO BECAUSE SHE TOLD GIBRALTAR TO FUCK OFF WHEN HE TRIED TO TELL HER WHAT HAPPENED

ITS SO DUMB

i think it was towards the end of season 6 or the beginning of season 7 where apex posted this picture of wattson asleep at her desk where she has a letter from gibraltar on it that looks like it tells her the truth, so she knows now, she knows what happened, but NOW her issue is the fact that she doesn’t know anything about crypto.

WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT IS YOUR GODDAMN DAMAGE. YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT BLOODHOUND EITHER ARE YOU THIS UPSET WITH BLOODHOUND TOO?? HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO PATHFINDER. DO YOU HATE PATHFINDER TOO

oh but she was friends with crypto and now she’s mad that he lied to her EXCEPT THEIR RELATIONSHIP WASN’T BUILT UP WELL SO IT JUST FEELS STUPID. THEY SPENT LONGER BEING NOT-FRIENDS THAN THEY SPENT BEING FRIENDS. THEY BECAME FRIENDS IN ONE CHAPTER AND THEN IMMEDIATELY AT THE END OF THAT CHAPTER THEIR FRIENDSHIP ENDED AND THEN WATTSON SPENT LIKE 2 SEASONS MAD AT HIM FOR SOMETHING HE DIDN’T DO . 

AND THE WRITERS TRIED TO RECTIFY THIS BY SAYING OH SHE’S NOT MAD ABOUT THE TRAITOR THING SHE’S MAD BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM AND IT’S LIKE WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NOT MAKE THAT CLEAR WHY DOES SHE SAY ‘IT DOESN’T CHANGE WHAT YOU DID’ IN HER VOICE LINES WHY DOES SHE CALL HIM A TRAITOR IF HER CONFLICT WAS HER NOT KNOWING MUCH ABOUT HIM . WHAT DID HE DO. 

HE JUST STOOD THERE AND LAUGHED AT HER JOKE AND THEN HE GOT FRAMED AND THEN THAT WAS THE END OF THE CHAPTER AND NOW SHES SUDDENLY LIKE IM ACTUALLY MAD BECAUSE YOURE A LIAR AND I CANT TRUST YOU EVEN THOUGH I NOW KNOW YOU WERE FRAMED I STILL DO NOT LIKE YOU AND HES LIKE YEAH THATS MY FAULT

The Caustic voicelines are stupid too, again his reason for framing Crypto was stupid and a lot of his voicelines just seem to be that shipbait thing again but like from the angle of overprotective dad who doesn’t like the new boyfriend. it’s stupid but not as egeregious as this next part which is

crypto telling wattson his identity.

CRYPTO was framed for MURDER and is paranoid and can’t trust anyone and doesn’t talk to anyone and the last time he did talk to someone he got framed for Another thing and the person he was talking to turned her back on him and actively refused to know the truth for like 2 seasons and then he went This Is Fine I Can Tell Her My Identity

the stupidest update to this storyline was crypto telling wattson the truth

why did they do it on the dropship where there are presumably syndicate members and other legends around.

why didn’t he scan wattson for listening devices like he did for pathfinder in the book.

why is he telling her his identity when he knows she has very close ties to the people that FRAMED HIM for MURDER. Does he trust her that much? WHY? They spoke to each other in a chapter and then spent two seasons not talking to each other beyond passive-aggressive BS. why are you so fucking stupid taejoon

their relationship was so poorly set-up that even if the writers maybe intended for them to come across as close friends who had spent weeks bonding, it really feels like they became friends in a single conversation, had a falling out, and now crypto suddenly trusts her with his identity after an undetermined amount of time because he wants to be friends again. 

that does not make SENSE this conflict feels contrived AS FUCK and the resolution feels even worse and unearned UGGGHHHH

it honestly comes across as crypto feeling desperate for friendship, and maybe this would’ve worked better if that’s the angle they played it as.

he’s been alone for roughly two years, and just wants a friend, and he’s honestly so lonely he just breaks down to the first person who’s really talked to him. it could’ve been an interesting little part of his character, and they could've gone into depth about how much this situation has affected him, but that’s not what they’re doing. he’s still paranoid and anxious and doesn’t trust anyone, except for wattson, because the plot needs him to or else there won’t be any stupid soap opera drama.

and to rub salt in the wound, wattson’s new voice lines with caustic have him telling her that she forgave crypto.

WHAT ARE YOU FORGIVING HIM FOR. ARE YOU FORGIVING HIM FOR BEING FRAMED? WHY DID HE HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE THE ONE WHO REFUSED TO HEAR THE TRUTH?

 did the conversation just go hey my real name is taejoon park and something bad happened to me and she went aight i forgive you WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

Caustic’s new voice lines to Crypto where he’s like ‘what did you tell her’--YOU TOLD GIBRALTAR STRAIGHT-UP YOUR EVIL MASTER PLAN LIKE A SUPERVILLAIN AND NOW YOU’RE SURPRISED WATTSON AND CRYPTO ARE ON GOOD TERMS NOW?!

THAT’S LIKE TELLING SOMEONE YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND THEN BEING SURPRISED WHEN YOU BECOME THE VICTIM OF IDENTITY FRAUD. YOU SET YOURSELF UP FOR THIS WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE CRYPTO DID SOMETHING SINISTER OR LIED OR WHATEVER. WHAT THE FUCK. WHY DO YOU HAVE LIKE 3 BRAINCELLS

this is at like ten pages already so i’m going to just try and wrap this up quickly. 

it’s frustrating seeing this storyline play out when there are actually good relationships and storylines written into apex. i’m kind of getting tired of the loba and revenant conflict, but we at least had set-up to it in the form of a few animated shorts and it doesn’t play out as stupidly as this story does. bangalore and loba’s friendship is actually developed well, even if the point between the end of season 5 and season 6 where they suddenly talk like each other feels like it could’ve used a little more. 

where crypto and wattson having an established friendship in the broken ghost failed, lifeline and octane’s established friendship works because we’ve been told since octane’s release they were childhood friends and given lore materials that indicate they’ve known each other for a very long time.

apex wants this storyline between crypto and wattson and caustic to feel dramatic and tense and ultimately rewarding when crypto and wattson did become friends for real and stuff, but instead it just comes across as hollow and empty. 

there’s nothing there. it’s a case of tell, don’t show, and it looks like this stupid conflict is gonna keep going for another couple of seasons at this rate. 

side note: this entire script was written before the new twitter comics

please tell me ur thoughts and feel free to respond with ur own lil essay

also believe it or not this is not the "shipping is a detriment to apex's story" essay i was gonna write this is a completely different essay that has some overlap SKXISOSOW

[darthspideys]

antithesis // five

din djarin x jedi! reader

summary: You expected to find another of yoda’s species, much less under the protection of a particularly stubborn mandalorian. Little do you know its that discovery that will change life as you know it, and put all three of you in danger you never saw coming.

words: ~2k

a/n: So yeah basically I post when I want so you should follow me if you wanna see the next chapter :) Update on how long this thing is even gonna be, right now I have 7 chapters separated with what I have currently and my current ending I’m looking at 8 or 9 but todays episode has given me some inspiration that I’m not sure if I want to include in the story, or in a bonus (more on bonuses later) or in a sequel/spinoff so stay tuned. 

disclaimer: I h8 baby yoda and it shows

He steps back, and then he looks at your hands, “You’re bleeding.” 

“What?” 

“You’re hands.” 

Your hands are bleeding, cut from the strikes that you pelted your opponent with. You sigh as the adrenaline fades to reveal the stinging in your hands. “They are.” 

He does the head tilt that you’ve become used to again, and the child’s pod comes floating up behind him. “Let’s go back to the ship,” He says, “I’ll take care of it.” 

It’s when you’re back on the ship that you sit back and realize how tired you are. He appears in front of you and sits starting to wash out the cuts on your hands. It’s silent for a long time. He sees that you're off in your own world again, not even noticing his presence and he desperately wants to know why. 

“What did you mean when you said you should’ve killed her?” He asks finally.

The sound of his voice snaps you back into the present and you sigh, suddenly wincing at the sharp pain in your hand. “Isn’t that self explanatory?” You say, trying to keep the energy that you usually have. It fails flat and you both know it. He tilts his head again, which seems to be his go to expression of emotion. “I grew up on a farm out in the middle of nowhere on a planet in the middle of nowhere. My father and I would walk to the small town nearby, and one day we showed up and it was on fire. Buildings were burning, people were dead in the middle of the street, and she stood right in the middle of it. She came because she was looking for him and they both knew it.” 

“She killed him,” He finishes after you pause. 

“He gave up,” You correct him, “I saw it, he was more talented than her but he gave up. It was probably seeing everything broken like that, and thinking that it was his fault that sent him over the edge.” You try and stop a wave of emotions and start wondering why you're even saying any of this in the first place. It would’ve been so much easier to lie. “Obviously I tried to kill her, and I thought I did but clearly I did not.” 

You lapse into silence as he begins wrapping the palms of your hands. At first he decides that he’s not going to say anything, but as the time draws on his curiosity gets the better of him. “What is she?”

“A sith,” You explain. “If Jedi are the enemy of the Mandalorians, then the Sith are our enemy. They are force users who use their abilities to gain power and evil, usually they’re ruthless and have been corrupted by the dark side.” He doesn’t say anything for a while and you suddenly feel very self conscious, you shrug, “Their lightsabers are usually a bit cooler however.” 

You can’t tell if he knows you're trying to make a joke. More silence, more wrapping of your hands, and you're suddenly aware of how close you are to him. Another thing you’ve recently become aware of: the fact that he’s taken his gloves off, and you are experiencing uninterrupted hand to hand contact. It makes you feel a way you can’t describe, but it’s not the feelings you had for him before. 

“Tell me about the Jedi,” He says suddenly. 

It catches you a little off guard, but you indulge him anyway. “The Jedi live by a code, like Mandalorians, but it’s based on two opposing forces coexisting but one being stronger than the other. Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet the Force.” 

“Sounds hypocritical.” 

“It’s practical,” You tell him. “No one extreme can exist on it’s own, they all exist with each other, sometimes all inside of one person,” He thinks he knows who you're talking about. “Granted, the Mandalorian code is clearer and by some accounts more interesting but there's a reason they’ve been at war for so long.” 

“When we are attacked, we retaliate.” 

“And so do jedi, but there’s something to be said for compromise. Not that I’m the best example of that, or any of the teachings really but from the outside looking in the goal is to compromise where you can and when there’s no room to try and bring people together then you have to stand your ground.” 

He tilts his head again, “You don’t compromise much.” 

“In practice, I’ve found that people don’t respond to compromise as well as the teaching would hope they would.” 

“You’ve made it sound even more hypocritical,” He says. 

You sigh, “The universe isn’t black and white, Mando.” 

“It’s Din,” He says suddenly, “My name is Din Djarin.” 

You smile, “The world isn’t black and white, Din.” You continue, “A lot of things and a lot of people are a mess of contradictions.” 

“Including you,” He says. 

You nod quickly, “Especially me.” 

You have another moment, something passes between the two of you and the silence is no longer tense. You’ve been fighting with him since the moment you met him, and now you're not fighting and you don’t want to fight verbally or physically. Which is something. 

He finishes, and he stands to walk back to the cockpit. “They’re not as different as you think, Mandalorians and Jedi.” He turns back to look at you, “We’re both stubborn.” 

That makes him laugh. 

There’s something familiar about the way that makes you feel, and it gives you an idea. “I know you don’t want to go to Chandrila, but if laying low is the plan, I know a place.”

[eirian-houpe]

Looking In From the Almost Outside

Fandom: Once Upon a Time (TV)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Belle/Rumplestiltskin | Mr. Gold

Characters: Belle (Once Upon a Time), Rumplestiltskin | Mr. Gold, Gideon (Once Upon a Time)

Additional Tags: Family, post episode, Missing Years, Romance, Smut

Summary: Gideon tells his father of his mother's worry, and so Rumplestiltskin shows his wife that he, too, is happy. Written from the dialogue prompt, “Do you regret it.”  For @emospritelet

Read on AO3

Looking In From the Almost Outside

It was, Rumplestiltskin had come to realize, indicative of his son’s last experience at college based on how far away from the house he had the portal bring him to the Edge of Realms. It was a simple correlation; the further Gideon walked, the harder his last days or weeks had been, and the more the boy had on his mind.

He shook his head at himself. Hardly a boy any more - although he’d always be a boy in Rumple’s heart - but a young man.

“Father?”

Rumplestiltskin blinked. He hadn’t heard Gideon’s footsteps, and he also hadn’t realized how far he had wandered from the house. Did it mean that he, too, had too much on his mind. He turned and offered his son a smile, and then opened his arms to hold his son tightly as the young man stepped forward and wrapped strong arms around him.

“Mother was worried,” Gideon told him as he stepped back, but neither man let go of the other.  “She said you’ve been out here some time.”

“I’m all right, son,” he said. “I was just thinking.” He gave Gideon an apologetic look. “I didn’t mean to worry your mother.”

“I know,” Gideon gave him a verbal shrug. “But I said I’d come out here to find you. We’ll be eating soon.”

Rumplestiltskin chuckled, answering Gideon’s quizzical look with one of extreme fondness. “She’s been looking forward to cooking for you again.”

Gideon shook his head. “I’m sure she enjoys cooking for you too.”

“It’s not the same,” Rumplestiltskin told him with a smile and a squeeze of his arm. “Come on, we’ll be in trouble if we keep her waiting.”

As they walked, Rumplestiltskin felt the tension in his son’s body, almost heard the way he deliberately held whatever was on his mind inside.

“What is it, son?” he asked after a little while.

“I just wondered what it was you were thinking?” he answered. “To be out here by yourself. It’s unusual for you. You’re usually t-ogether.”

The slight catch in Gideon’s voice almost brought him up short, realizing that it was not only Belle that was worried at his meditative walk, and felt suddenly selfish for taking the time to try and settle the disquiet in his own soul. No matter how slowly, time was passing. He had noticed, and he wasn’t ready to have noticed.

“Nostalgia… Gideon,” he said hesitantly, not at all convinced that his son believed the veracity of the single word. Not even sure that he believed it. After so many years of spinning lies and embracing obfuscation, he seemed to have lost his edge, so added, after another moment, “You’re so… grown and—”

Gideon sighed softly and gently tugged him to a halt. “Mother worries too, Papa.”

The very fact that Gideon used the childhood name, dropping all formality, brought tears to his eyes even before the other words his son had spoken registered. “She worries that you only agreed to be here for her happiness and not because it was what you wanted too.”

Rumplestiltskin felt his heart lurch, an uncomfortable prickle of something that felt like fear rushing through his being. Fear made no sense, but that was the only name he could put to it. Fear that he had hurt her all over again.

“She told you that?” he asked, too aware that he failed to keep the shock and emotion from his voice.

“She didn’t have to,” Gideon confessed. “The two of you are always so in tune, so alike in your feelings that it was as obvious to me as daybreak.”

“Gideon,” he started, the words quivering inside his unsettled body. He felt on the brink of releasing the gathered tears. “I… I… I don’t want your mother to worry.”

“I know,” his son answered, his tone first rising and then falling in the way it always did when he was stating an obvious truth. “It’s just… she thinks her reasons for asking this of you are—”

“Her reasons for asking are perfectly sound, and make the most sense, even to me,” Rumplestiltskin interrupted. “I might not have realized it at the time, and… and I know we all lived a fulfilling time in all of our adventures, but… but she was right. It was time to settle down.”

He turned then, and Gideon turned with him, the both of them gazing on the house that he and Belle had built with their own two hands, and felt the peace of it envelope him again. Time would go on. It would take Belle and even, eventually, Gideon with it, leaving him behind, but he had to have faith that his beautiful, clever wife had found the answer, and it was only a matter of waiting for the right moment.

Still… he couldn’t have Belle - or Gideon - worrying that he was doing anything other than he wanted to do.

“At first it may have been for your mother’s sake that I agreed to build this house and plant our roots here, but… in the building of it, I found that it was my happiness too,” he said.

Gideon smiled.

“I know, Papa,” he said, “But perhaps Mother can’t see that through her own worry.” He shrugged then and added, “The two of you are more alike than I think even you know.”

Rumplestiltskin was about to answer, when the sweet, clear voice of his beloved Belle sounded from the doorway of their home, calling them in for dinner.

**

He had no idea how long he stood in the doorway, watching as Belle sat in front of the dressing table mirror, smoothing the cream, that they had made together, onto her face. She was going about her nightly routine as if he were not watching, though he knew she knew he was.

“You are allowed to come in,” she said with a chuckle in her voice, turning on her stool to look at him, she started to take the pins from her hair before she turned back to reach for the hairbrush.

Rumplestiltskin moved to her side quickly enough to beat her to the brush, catching her hand and bringing it to his lips, to bestow a delicate kiss there.

“Allow me,” he said.

“Only if you tell me why you were lurking in the doorway,” she teased, but allowed him to take up the brush and begin to run it through her long hair.

“Can not a man admire his beautiful wife?” he asked softly, moving his hand in an even stroke to ease the brush through her hair to banish the tangles of the day.

“Hmm,” she answered Her gaze meeting his in the mirror was amused, but knowing. “You’re up to something.”

“Yes,” he confessed, allowing the hint of want to sparkle in his eyes.

“I know you, Rumple,” she said, “far too well for you to fool me with your playful distractions.”

“Playful distractions?” He quirked an eyebrow. “I’ll give you ‘playful distractions’,” he warned in a light tone, before he leaned closer to murmur into the shell of her ear, “or perhaps that’s what you’re hoping.”

Belle chuckled, but did not answer his accusation one way or another, simply leaned back into his tender caresses as he abandoned the hairbrush for running his fingers through her hair, and planting delicate kisses on her neck as he swept her hair to one side.

“Do you remember the first time you did this?” she asked after a moment.

“Your hair was shorter then,” he said.

“And more uniform in color,” she said, meant as a quip he knew, but he could still hear the undertones of worry in her voice. “Less gray.”

He picked up, and ran his fingers through, the long section of silver hair that cascaded from near her temple. “Like a silver moonbeam has kissed you, my love, that’s all.”

“Flatterer,” she murmured.

He wound the strand of hair around his fingers, and moved to perch on the surface of the dressing table, looking deep into her eyes. “No,” he said. “It’s the truth, Belle.”

Before she could answer, he leaned forward to kiss her, the softness of his lips tenderly parting her own to allow the gentle sweep of his tongue against hers. After only a moment, she wrapped her arms tightly around his shoulders, and took possession of the kiss, deepening it and melting against him as he straightened, and lifted her to him.

“Take me to bed, Rumple,” she whispered against his mouth as she broke the kiss.

“Always, sweetheart,” he murmured in return, and wrapped his arms around her more securely to carry her across to their bed.

He set her down softly, and joined her, beside her on the comforter, somehow without taking his arms from around her.

Their caresses were unhurried, loving and lazy, like a languid river in the summer’s heat. He gasped softly as she nipped at his shoulder, beside his collar bone, arching her back as he teased her nipple through her soft, cotton nightgown - lace edged and as beautiful as she. Each knew the other well, but every touch held the reverence of the first time. Fingertips grazed sensitive skin, awakening to greater desire the more their bodies brushed, each against the other.

He unfastened the ties of her nightdress and she the fastenings of his clothing, leather and lace succumbed to their need to release each to the other until they could press together, skin to skin, until his kisses could anoint her body, breast to hip, to thighs that trembled with the need of his lips as he bathed her with his tongue. He breathed in the musk of her arousal, tasted the sweetness of her, and hardened in want of her.

She moaned softly, and drew him up to cover her, lifting her face to the warmth of him, and the heat of his kisses; parted her thighs and drew him to her, against her… within her, arching to take all of him, and breaking the deepest of kisses with a gasp.

As unhurried as their caresses were, so was their lovemaking. He took his time to rise and fall against her, leaving her alternately filled and empty, moaning at the way the perfection of her wet heat sheathed him, gripped him, fluttered against him, first in the soft rhythm of her rising pleasure, and then, as he too peaked, clutched against him as she drank him deeper.

She cradled his head against her breast as breathless they both surrendered to momentary stillness, until she began to tenderly run her fingers through his hair left damp by their passions. He nuzzled closer and tightened his arm about her waist, breathing evenly against her as they each caught their breath.

She spoke into the peace of their room, a soft voice, loving, but tentative.

“Do you regret it?” she asked softly.

He raised his head and shifted so that he could see her face in the half light, the radiance of the eternal sun shaded by the thick drapes. He knew he should have asked what he should regret, but he also knew she would be aware their son would share his concerns. Instead he answered her. his tone matching hers.

“Never, sweetheart,” he said. “Here, with you, I am complete.”

[let-it-raines]

There is something inexplicable about thunderstorms that calm him.

Maybe it is the sound of heavy raindrops hitting against the metal roof on the house or against the window panes. Maybe it is the flashes of lightning that brighten the darkened sky or the rolls of thunder that echo and create a natural symphony that is felt down in his very soul. When nestled at home and when the storm isn’t frighteningly bad, he enjoys sitting in his bedroom with the curtains pulled back and the blinds raised, simply watching and enjoying how still everything else seems while nature erupts in anger and sadness and all of the emotions in between.

Beyond that, the rain is often perfect napping weather, and really, what more can a man ask for than a Saturday afternoon storm that will ease him into a much-needed sleep?

The kitchen light above him flickers ever so slightly, and Killian stands from his stool where he was reading a novel to walk to the other side of the granite countertop to turn on the coffee maker. He can feel sleep dragging at the corner of his eyes, and while he would like the nap he was just thinking of, coffee is calling his name more right now. As it percolates, he thumbs through his phone, checking his emails. It’s a bloody Saturday. Why the hell is he being forwarded emails for a client that is not his? William has got to stop doing this. His clients are not Killian’s, and Killian doesn’t work on weekends unless absolutely necessary.

“If you pinch those brows any tighter, you’re going to get wrinkles, Jones.”

“You say that like I don’t already have wrinkles, love.”

Emma shrugs and walks further into the kitchen, moving around him to open the fridge. She’s in a pair of her small, black running shorts and a t-shirt he believes they got from a concert they went to on their first anniversary. It’s faded and stretched out, and it could not be more well-loved. Her own brows pinch as she looks inside the fridge, but he dares not make a quip about her getting wrinkles. “Do we not have cheese?”

“If you didn’t buy it, we don’t have it.”

“Well, damn.” She slams the door closed, and he sees that even without the cheese she was looking for, she’s come out with a yogurt. “I swear I put it on the shopping list. Did you not see that?”

“It’s was your week to do the grocery run.”

“It was not.”

“It most definitely was.”

Emma groans and rips open the yogurt before grabbing a spoon out of the drawer to eat it with. “I may be remembering something about it being my week, but I’ve obviously screwed the pooch on that. I’ll go tomorrow…wait, tomorrow is Sunday, which means it’s your week so – ”

The coffee maker beeps behind him, and he turns to pour himself some into a mug. “We could always try something revolutionary like going together.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, don’t be getting all crazy like that.”

“I’ll try to hold it in. You want a cup?”

“That’s like asking if I want my lungs to still be able to get air. Of course I want some.”

Killian nods and grabs another mug out of the cabinet for Emma’s coffee. He walks toward the fridge for her creamer, pouring it in until the coffee is nearly white itself, and then he hands it to her as she sits on the edge of the counter. She nods her head in thanks, and all he can really think about is how her coffee is not going to mix well with her yogurt.

Emma has never cared about things like that, though.

“Remind me that I need to get tampons when we go to the store tomorrow.”

“Why do you always say for me to remind you instead of putting a reminder on your phone?”

“Because you’re more efficient than a reminder on my phone.”

Another roll of thunder cracks outside, the house shaking the slightest bit, and Killian decides to take his cup and walk into the living room, settling down on the couch with the curtains open so he can watch the storm while Netflix plays on the television. He’s got absolutely no clue what it’s on. Emma must have started some new show, and he’s sure he will somehow get sucked into it the more she watches it. That’s what always happens, even if he misses a few episodes and Emma has to give him a verbal run-through because she can’t be arsed to go back to the episodes he hasn’t seen.

Emma follows him into the living room, her coffee cup in hand, and she settles down on the other side of the couch, pulling the soft knit blanket from the corner to wrap it around herself as she watches the TV.

The afternoon passes slowly, neither of them bothering to do much of anything. At one point, Liam calls, and Killian chats with him for awhile, Emma adding in her own few words, but other than that, the two of them do nothing but watch television – he now knows that it is Poldark and Emma fancies the actor in the show – and eat the leftover Chinese food they ordered for dinner Thursday night.

“This is not going to go well,” Killian points out as Poldark lies to his business partner, a string of lies that are obviously adding up to a dramatic season finale.

“Hush. Don’t ruin it.”

“How am I ruining it? I feel like anybody with eyes would bloody know that it’s not going to go well.”

“Yeah, but – ”

And then there’s an elongated beep as the power gets out and the room goes nearly black with the overhead lights going out and the television glow no longer illuminating the room.

“Well shit.”

“Maybe it’ll come back on soon. Sometimes it flickers.”

“Yeah,” Emma mumbles, tossing the blanket off of her, “maybe. But maybe – ” there’s another crash of thunder and lightning, and Emma jumps – “maybe it’s a bad thunderstorm, and I’m about to get sweaty as hell because we don’t have air-conditioning. Plus, I really need to see what happens in my show.”

“Do you want me to call the power company and see if it’s a neighborhood shortage?”

“No, no. I’ll just wait it out.”

When the waiting ends up being an hour, Killian ends up calling. It is indeed a neighborhood power shortage, and they’re sending a truck as soon as they can. The storm is apparently bad enough that they’re backed up all across the city, so Killian takes that as them not having any power until the morning at the earliest. So he goes to the storage closet and pulls out a myriad of tea candles and the lighter before illuminating the kitchen and the living room with candles and a few battery-powered lanterns. There’s nothing he can do about the heat, however, since he cannot open any windows without letting the storm inside, so he strips off his t-shirt, folding it and putting it over the back of the couch until he goes upstairs to put it in the hamper.

He sees Emma eyeing him now. She’s not very subtle about it with the way she’s biting her bottom lip, and he has to swallow down the sudden lump in his throat.

“You’re totally using the lack of air-conditioning as a reason to go shirtless,” she laughs.

“This is my home. I theoretically pay half the bills. I can walk around whenever I want without a shirt.”

“Eh, I feel like there are definitely some exceptions to that.”

Killian smiles and shrugs before reaching into the pocket of his joggers for his phone. He thumbs through the apps until he gets to his Spotify, hits one of his playlists, and the soothing sound of Bing Crosby plays through the speakers. Emma always groans when he plays older, softer music, but deep down, he knows that she likes it.

Holding out his hand, Killian stretches his lips into a wide smile while Emma eyes him from the couch.

“What are you doing?” she laughs.

“We have to pass the time. I’m asking you to dance with me.”

“You’re being ridiculous,” she says, even as she leans forward.

“You like dancing, Swan,” he insists, “especially when you have a partner who knows what he’s doing.”

With a shake of her head, Emma reaches her hand out until it’s firmly grasped in his and he’s pulling her off the couch. It’s easy to fall into a rhythm, her arms wrapped around his neck and his hands on her waist. Occasionally, he’ll take her hand in his and twirl her out and then bring her back in, making her tilt her head back with laughter until he can capture that laughter with his mouth, kissing her until both of them are left wanting for breath.

“We should do this when the kids are home,” Emma murmurs into his shoulder where her head is now resting, cheek soft as ever against his skin. “I think it would really gross them out.”

“What? Their father without a shirt and their mum in nothing but her knickers? I don’t know why that would scar them at all? They seem to always love any public displays of affection that we show.”

“I’m not in my knickers,” she teases.

“But you could be,” Killian automatically bites back, and he can feel Emma’s smile in his skin.

“Last week Liam asked me if I could stop kissing you at his games.”

“Did he really?”

“Mhm. He said some of his teammates were, and I’m just quoting him here ‘obsessing over how hot is mom is.’ I swear he nearly threw up when he had to say it.”

Killian chuckles and runs his hand up the smooth skin of Emma’s back before moving his fingers in soothing circles, the ones he knows that she likes. “I mean, I personally think that you are the most attractive woman on the planet, but if my teammates were talking about my mum, I’d be disgusted too. For a myriad of reasons.”

“You have teammates?”

“I’m hypothetically pretending I’m fourteen and in Liam’s position.”

“Ah,” Emma sighs. “Well, yeah, it’s really kind of creepy, but we apparently have to make ourselves unattractive and stand six feet away from each other at his baseball games.”

“I don’t think that’s possible.”

“Shut up.” She pulls back from his shoulder so he can see the bright, beautiful green eyes that he fell in love with eighteen years ago. “I say that we sneak behind the bleachers and make out. You know, embarrass him even more.”

“That’s evil, love.”

“Yeah, well, one day he’ll be in the same position of embarrassing his kids. I think it’s a right of passage. He and Amelia will understand one day.”

“I hope so.” Emma presses up on her toes a glides her lips over his, soft and sweet, a contrast to the heat that is beginning to burn in his belly. “But for now, maybe we give them a pass some days and keep to embarrassing them at home.”

“I like that idea.”

Killian kisses Emma until he knows that she’s dizzy, heat burning in both of their bellies and gooseflesh rising on his skin, and while earlier, he was exhausted and all he wanted to do was take a nap, now all he can do is think about laying his wife down on the sofa and kissing every inch of her skin with rain pounding down around them and sweat slicking against his back. The house is sweltering, the summer heat and humidity seeping through its very bones, but he and Emma have no issue with it as Killian’s tongue runs along her inner thigh and then closer to the center still.

When they were younger, this was a constant, insatiable thing. Their nights and mornings and weekends would be filled with this, with not being able to get enough of each other in between living life, and while there are times when Killian misses that, he knows that his life is so much more full now. And, really, he can never get enough of Emma, even if that means something a little different now.

He has been with her for nearly twenty years, and he has seen several different versions of her. From closed off and hurting to open and loving, from a fearless woman who would do anything she wanted to a fearful mother who wasn’t sure if she could be a mother at the same time that he wasn’t sure that he could be a father, hurts and scars terrifying them and holding them still in the moment of life when two lines showed up. And the fear has never really changed, but much like Emma, it’s developed and twisted and become adaptable to their lives now. Growing with her has been his greatest honor, and Killian would not change it for the world.

Emma is who she was always meant to be, and it’s a beauty of a sight to behold.

Emma gasps as her hips buck up, and he presses his arm down across her stomach to hold her still against the cushions. She curses like a sailor then, and he smiles into her before continuing to give her the pleasure she so deserves. It goes on like that for what feels both like ages and not enough time, the heat continuing to accumulate and the thunder consistently rolling, and when Killian slides into Emma in warm stretch of heat, he doesn’t focus on any of the world around them.

He only focuses on her and the smile on her face and the way that she makes a joke that has his stomach aching in a whole new way.

It’s slow and lazy, and they could spend the rest of the evening like this if they wanted to, but there are such things as aching backs and tired bodies, so eventually they do find themselves curled on the couch, breaths heavy and bodies exhausted, and the two of them really should shower. This lack of air-conditioning is a killer.

“If I melt into the couch right now, can you clean me up before the kids get home from my parents’ tomorrow?”

Killian chuckles into Emma’s back and presses his lips there. “Of course. Though, I think if we wanted to scar them, this would be the ultimate way.”

Emma snickers and rolls away from him, standing from the couch and reaching down to grab her t-shirt to pull it back on. It immediately clings to her skin with sweat, and she groans, her lips downturned before they tick up into a smirk. “Do you want to go take a shower and then go to bed? I think if we hurry, we can fall asleep before ten.”

“Sounds like the dream, love.”

Everything with her is.

[get-lost-in-fanfiction]

LOST - Another Story

Rating: M

Word Count: 3.1k

A/N: I don’t have anything special to say for this chapter, so enjoy House of the Rising Sun!

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House of the Rising Sun

I’m sitting on the beach as Kate, Jack, and Charlie getting ready to go on a hike for the water. I realize that now is the time for Jack to want everyone to go to the caves. I’ve already made my decision, and I’ve got a pretty good excuse as to why I want to stay on the beach. As the only other person with medical experience, I’m going to stay on the beach while Jack is up at the caves. It’s a foolproof statement and not revealing at all that part of the reason I want to stay is Sawyer.

I tune in to catch Kate say, “It's not like I'm asking a personal question.”

“It is a personal question,” Jack replies.

“You don't have to get all quiet on me. I just want to know,” Kate says as she puts water into the backpack on Jack's back.

“Well, you're not going to know.”

“What's the big deal?”

“It's not a big deal. It's just something I did. I had my reasons. And I don't want to put it out there.”

I glance over and notice Sun watching them, I feel bad for her. Realizing now that this is House of the Rising Sun I decide that now is the time to “get to know her.”

“It's just that you and your tattoos don't add up,” Kate’s voice cuts through my thoughts, “Are you one of those hard-core spinal surgeons?”

“That's me. Hard-core,” Jack replies.

“If you guys are finished verbally copulating we should get a move on,” Charlie butts in, a pack on his back, “There's a whole beach of people waiting for us to get some drinking water for them. And the great white hunter's getting restless.”

“Okay, let's do this,” Jack finally says.

“Hey, Charlie. Ask Jack about his tattoos,” Kate says, amusement clear in her voice.

“Oh, you guys have an inside joke. How absolutely wonderful for you both,” Charlie replies sarcastically.

I never realized how in the first few episodes, the main characters all sort of have their centric episodes, which are appropriately named. I wonder what my episode would have been called if I was a real character. Probably something to do with hiking, since the character-centric episodes are named based on the flashbacks shown in that episode. Then again, who says I'm a main character anyway, I could get killed by Ethan for all I know. I shake that thought from my mind, I don’t want to die.

Then, suddenly, Jin is stomping angrily over towards Michael. Sun shouts after him. Jin runs up and tackles Michael at the edge of the water and starts slugging him.

“Hey, hey, what the…” Michael says hurriedly.

“Stop! Hey stop!” Walt shouts. Walt rushes up and Jin shoves him back, knocking him down. I scramble to my feet to help.

“Get off of him, please! Stop! Stop!” Michael says as he gets repeatedly beaten. Jin is trying to drown him. I bounce on my feet and look around nervously, no one is helping.

“Do something! He's going to kill him! Stop him, please!” Walt is screaming at Sun, and she is screaming back. Finally Sayid and Sawyer show up, and are running out to help. Sayid tackles Jin. Sawyer grabs Michael.

“The handcuffs from the Sky Marshal! Now!” Sayid shouts.

Sawyer tries to hand them to Sayid, but Jin is thrashing around and Sawyer has to help him to subdue Jin. Jin is then handcuffed to some kind of bar on the plane. Jin is still struggling. I rush over to Walt and place my arm around his shoulder.

“What happened?” Sayid says to Sun as Sawyer looks at me.

“I'm getting tired of saying this,” Michael begins, “I was just walking the beach with my son, and all of the sudden this dude is all up on me. I didn't do anything.”

Jim says something in Korean and everyone stares tensely at each other.

“Surely there must be something you're not telling us,” Sayid reasons.

“Surely? Where you from man?” Michael asks

“Tikrit. Iraq,” Sayid answers simply.

“Okay. I don't know how it is in Iraq, but in the United States of America where I'm from, Korean people don't like black people. Did you know that?”

Again, Jin shouts something in Korean.

“So maybe you ought to talk to him!” Micheal says angrily, pointing at Jin.

Sun points to her watch and says, “지금 시계 때문에 그래요, 시계.”

“The cuffs stay on!” Sayid shouts at her.

“A little louder, Omar. Maybe then she'll understand you,” Sawyer says sarcastically.

“Lay off him Sawyer,” I say and he just looks at me.

Then Hurley walks up to us, “Guys, that Chinese dude is going to get pretty crispy out here. How long are you going to keep him tied down like that?”

“Jin is Korean, Hurley,” I try to say as nicely as possible.

“He tried to kill Michael. We all saw it. The cuffs stay on until we know why,” Sayid says.

“Come on, man. Let's go,” Micheal says to Walt and I release him with a squeeze. Walt smiles at me and I smile back before he runs to catch up with his father.

As everyone disperses, Sawyer stays, looking over at Jin and Sun off in the distance. I stay with him.

“What are you thinking?” I ask cautiously.

“Nothin’ blue eyes,” Sawyer answers tersely.

“You’re so hot and cold with me,” I say, changing the subject and crossing my arms over my chest.

“What?”

“You heard me, one day you’re all sweet and protective then the next you’re like this! What’s going on?”

Sawyer sighs, “Blue eyes..”

“Dimples,” I sigh back. Sawyer smiles suddenly and brings me in for a noogie. I thrash in his arms, smacking them and laughing loudly.

“Sawyer?! Sawyer, get off!” I laugh-shout. He lets me go at that.

“C'mon let’s go eat some boar,” Sawyer says and I follow him in disbelief. Maybe me being here changes him for the better, sooner.

Once again I am on the beach, sitting, in the same spot I always do. I know right now somewhere in the jungle at the caves Jack, Kate, Locke, and Charlie have found “our very own Adam and Eve.” I know who they are, really, and I chuckle to myself at the story writers. They really waited until almost the end of the show to tell us who those two skeletons were. I know that Lost is all connected, but I have nothing else to think about. I look over my shoulder and there is Sun, sitting there looking troubled. I make a decision.

I get up from my place in the sand and walk cautiously over to her. She gives me an odd look and I wonder if it’s because of the time traveling thing, or the fact that I was with Sayid and Sawyer in the whole hand-cuffing incident. I try to set my face in a friendly expression as I approach her.

“Hi Sun, can we chat?” I say cheerily.

“아멜리아?” Sun questions, and I look at her with a blank expression. Real life doesn’t have subtitles. Damn.

“Uhm I’m really sorry I can’t understand you, but I want to talk. I promise I won’t hurt you,” I say quickly, “Van we go over there?” I point into the jungle, wanting to make sure our meeting is as secluded as possible. Sun nods and gets up.

“Great, we’ll, follow me then,” I say with a smile. I lead us off into the jungle, my heart pounding out of my chest. I’m not even sure this is a good move or not. But it’s worth a shot. We travel into the jungle a bit when I stop and turn. I take a deep breath and begin my unprepared speech.

“So, Sun. I know your husband has caused some issues lately with Micheal and stuff. I’m not here to be your enemy. Maybe you heard, maybe you didn’t, but um,” I take another deep breath before the shoe drops, “I’m a time traveler?” Sun stares at me.

“So I know that is probably really weird for you, and you’re probably wondering why I’m talking to you when I can’t understand you and you must not be able to understand me. Well, I know your secret. I know you can speak English and I know you can understand all of us.”

“You— You do?” Sun asks tentatively.

“Yes, I do, and I promise I wasn’t going to tell anyone. I understand how big this is for you. I figured since I have a mind boggling secret and that you have a mind boggling secret we could form an alliance of sorts?” I smile and Sun does too, “Not that we're forming a group against anyone, just that once you want to share that you speak English I’ll back you up is all.”

“You’re very kind Amelia, thank you.”

“Of course Sun,” I cut myself off, I’m not sure what else to say. “Should we head back to the beach? And again I promise not to tell.”

“Yes, let’s go back.” So we walk back together, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible when we come out of the jungle together. We part ways and Sun walks over to Jin. I suddenly stop when I see Walt playing in the sand.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Micheal says to Walt, then he turns to Jin, “You say something to my boy?”

Jin says something ans Walt looks scared. Sun looks scared as well and glances towards me for support. I’m rooted to the spot.

“Yeah, nice talking to you, too. Move it, Walt,” Micheal says.

They begin to walk away and Walt asks, “How come he doesn't like us?”

“What?”

“You said people like him don't like people like us.”

“Oh man. You know, uh, look, that's not true, and you know what, I don't think like that anyway. I was, I was angry.”

“What did you do to him?” Walt asks, and I’ve heard enough. It’s not my place to eavesdrop. I glance one more time at Sun before walking quickly down the beach towards the tents.

“Miss Kassman? Miss- Amelia wake up,” A strange, but kind voice says to me. I groggily open my eyes, and take in the surroundings of stark white walls and the beeping of some sort of machine.

“What.. Why am I here?” I whisper throatily, my voice hoarse from unuse.

“There was an accident, Miss Kassman. You survived,” I open my eyes to see a doctor with brown hair.

“M-My family? My mom, my dad? My brother?” I try to sit up, tears welling up in my eyes as a lump in my throat begins to constrict my airway.

“Please stay calm Miss Kassman,” the doctor says, and I search his sad face. I already know the answer. I burst out sobbing, my body wracked with survivors guilt. The doctor says silent as I cry myself out. After about 10 minutes I am finally able to regain myself and wipe my eyes.

“They’re dead aren’t they?” I croak out. The doctor only nods. I can tell he’s uncomfortable, but I don’t register it fully. “What’s your name?” I ask again, but quieter.

“Jack, Doctor Jack Shepherd,” the doctor says simply. “They told me to come and take a look at you. You sustained major burn injuries to your back, I’m a spinal surgeon and I wanted to make sure you were alright.”

I stare down at my hands, this Dr. Shepherd has bad bedside manner. I wiggle my hands and toes, I shake my legs and then look back up at the doctor. “I think I’m okay..” I say quietly.

“Good, that’s good,” the doctor says while standing, “The x-rays told me that much, but I needed to make sure myself.” Dr. Shepherd turns to leave and puts his hand on the doorknob before turning back to me.

“I’m very sorry for your loss,” he says simply but full of pity before opening the door and walking out. Soon enough a nurse comes in and checks on me. She changed my IV and tells me she is giving me something to sleep. She puts it in, and in a few minutes I am out like a light.

Soon enough Jack and Kate return with the water. I know Locke and Charlie stayed up at the caves to look through the wreckage there, so when I spot Jack, Kate, and Sayid finally walk away from each other that’s when I approach.

“Hey guys, welcome back!” I say more cheerily than I want, “Do you guys have water?”

“We sure do,” Jack says as he pulls a bottle from his pack and hands it to me. I take it greatfully and sit down in the sand to drink. Jack and Kate look at each other once before Jack speaks up.

“So, Amelia,” Jack begins, clearing his throat a bit, “Where the water is were some caves that could offer some pretty good shelter.” I look between Jack and Kate.

“Are you asking my opinion because you know I already knew about the caves?” I ask suspiciously.

“No no no,” Jack says, “I was going to ask your opinion but not because of the future thing. We think that digging in at the caves together would be a good way to survive. We have 46 people to give water to, it would be much easier if we were there.”

“Well, I think that while yes the water is closer, there might be a chance that we could get rescued if we stay on the beach,” I say unconvincingly.

“You and I both know no one is going to rescue us,” Jack replies, and I sigh. He’s right.

“Well Doc, I think you should just ask everyone and see who wants to go. If by some miracle we do get found us beach-ies can alert you cave-ies,” I stand and toss the half drunk water bottle back to Jack, “Thanks for the water.”

I mill around the beach and watch as Jack goes around to different people and gather up a group to go to the caves. I search around for Sawyer for a bit, but eventually give up when I can’t see him right away. Then I hear Jack and Hurley talk, and I whip my head around to scan the beach. Then I finally see Sawyer approach Kate, but his back is away from me. I scramble to my feet and sneak up on their conversation.

“Well, well, well, if ain't the belle of the ball?” Sawyer says as he reaches Kate, I’m right on time, “So what's it like having both the doctor and Captain Falafel fighting over you?” Kate doesn't respond, nor does she see me, “Just call 'em how I seem 'em, Freckles. Truth be told, I'm not the only one wondering where you're going to weigh in on this whole moving off the beach thing. Are you going with the pessimists, or staying here and waiting for the rescue boats?”

“Are you going?” Kate finally asks with an edge to her voice.

“Well, that's the real trick, isn't it? We all pack up stakes for the caves and the next day a plane passes by, they're going to go on their merry way and be none the wiser. On the other hand, stay here, get eaten by boars, fall off a rock, not going to be anyone around to answer that 911 call.”

“Amelia will probably stay, and you still haven't answered my question.”

“You didn't answer mine. And I asked first,” Sawyer says, not reacting to Kate’s mention of me. Kate just walks away and Sawyer turns around, bumping right into me.

“Whoa blue eyes! Where did you come from?” Sawyer asks.

“I was standing here the whole time,” I say, crossing my arms over my body and hugging my hips.

“So you heard Kate and I’s conversation?”

“Indeed I did James,” Sawyer lunges at me and covers my mouth with his hand.

“Say that a little louder will you?” He hisses at me, and I just lick his hand. I laugh heartily when he retracts his hand quickly and wipes it on his shirt.

“So are you going to the caves blue eyes?” He finally asks me.

“No actually, I think I’m going to stay here. You know in case someone needs a doctor and Jack isn’t around. It’ll be good practice,” I say as nonchalantly as I can.

“Awe and here I was thinkin’ it was all for me.”

“Not everything is about you, blondie,” I tease.

“Ohoho finally got a new nickname for me?”

“Indeed I do, and I see you’re still using the classic ‘blue-eyes.’”

“What can I say, I’m an unoriginal man.”

“Whatever you say dimples,” I say as I walk away, using his own line against him and leaving him dumbfounded.

Soon, almost too soon, Jack and his little group are getting ready to head out to the caves. I toss some wood on the ground for a future fire as Jack approaches me.

“Amelia,” He says shortly. I turn around and smile at him, his pack on his back and looking ready to go.

“Jack, what can I do for you?” I ask more kindly than I feel at that moment.

“Since you’re staying on the beach I wanted to give you some supplies, for doctor...ing,” Jack says clumsily. He hands me a small pack and I take it while looking inside. There is medicine and a few other things for patching up wounds. Simple stuff.

“Thanks Jack, I’ll keep it in my tent.”

“Just don’t let Sawyer steal it, okay?”

I laugh and sling the pack over my shoulder, “I won’t don’t worry, and if he does I have my ways of persuading him.”

Jack laughs as well and shakes his head before holding out his hand to shake, “Well, I’ll see you around doctor.”

I reach out and shake Jack’s hand firmly for a moment before dropping it, “See you around Doc.” Then he walks away and joins the group of Jin, Sun, two redshirts, and Hurley heading towards the caves. I wave at their group and Hurley waves back before I turn back to my pile of wood and begin to set up a fire as the sun begins to set.

Once it’s night and I know for sure that the group is at the caves, I allow myself to relax and sit with Sawyer, Sayid, and Kate around a fire. Sawyer makes room for me and I sit next to him, close but not too close. I look up at the sky as I feel Sawyer’s arm sling low across my back, hidden from our other firemates. I smile into the stars and close my eyes. It’s a peaceful night, and I know it won’t last long.

LOST

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Please let me know if you’d like to be tagged in updates!

[smolbeandrabbles]

The Edges - Ralph Anderson x Reader (The Outsider)

@wltz-bby​ @happyskywhale​

Author’s Note: Requested by a sweet Anon 🥰 Thank you for requesting-!

So I thought this was gonna be really short and then I just... did this all in an evening.

I’ve put you in book setting of Flint City and DA Bill Samuels again, sorry 🙈

Also Ralph is an Autumn/Winter baby now, I don’t make the rules.

Featuring a super obscure reference from Episode 8 of ‘The Outsider’

Disclaimer: The Outsider not mine / gif not mine / lyrics not mine / AU no Derek or Jeannie here

Premise: Ralph Anderson could count on himself to say the wrong thing, only this time it’s two days before the birthday you’ve spent all month planning for him. This time he’s not sure if ‘sorry’ is going to cover it... 

Words: 4403

Warnings: Swearing / slight sexual connotations / drinking / AU

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If life's a puzzle there's a piece for the night we met Next to the one where you drove me home If life's a puzzle there's a piece for our first kiss And it's connected to a summer song And nothing else fit baby before this Love was a struggle So all I know is baby that if this life's a puzzle You are the edges, you're holding all of me together You are the edges making the bigger picture better Before you I didn't know where to start You rounded up the pieces of a broken heart Might take a little time to figure out what the rest is But you are the edges, you are the edges If life's a puzzle there's a piece for our first fight It's bright red and it fits just right Next to the one shaped like sorry On a long ride home from a birthday party And nothing else fit baby before this Love was a struggle So all I know is baby that if this life's a puzzle You are the edges where everything ends and it begins You are the edges and we're gonna fill this whole thing in Yeah Before you I didn't know where to start You rounded up the pieces of a broken heart Might take a little time to figure out what the rest is But you are the edges

---

It was a stupid thing to say. He regretted it as instantly as it came out of his mouth. It was watching the light leave your eyes, all your excitement was gone – just like that. The day was getting later, and he’d had a hard one at work. With two days until his birthday Ralph really wanted nothing more than to have a quiet night in and forget about everything. You, who had spent the last month or so planning his birthday out, could not have had a more opposite feeling. It wasn’t exactly a big secret; you were going to dinner with all your closest friends, and then you’d hired out almost the entirety of his favourite bar to have people come and go as they pleased to wish him happy birthday. And you’d extended that out to pretty much all of Flint City, and your families. So, tonight’s exciting information was that his brother just so happened to be in the area and had promised to drop in. Now, Ralph doubted that would actually happen, but for you to even get hold of Johnny – yet alone get a verbal agreement – was its own achievement. But Ralph was tired, he didn’t care right now, and if he was honest… he wasn’t even sure he wanted a big party with the way he was feeling. So when he just kinda nodded along with an “Uh huh.” And you’d read him and said, “Babe, what’s wrong?” You’d been hit with the very knee-jerk reaction of, “I don’t even want this party! This is all your idea! I just wanna have a quiet birthday!” That not only got increasingly loud, but also angrier. Leading to silence that made Ralph wish he’d just bit his tongue. Then he’d tried to stumble through something else to make it better, but he’d only succeeded in making it worse – and pretty soon you’d been crying and had not only run from the room, but also the house… That was two nights ago, and sitting at his desk on his actual birthday, you hadn’t been home yet. Well, not that he’d seen. Ralph knew he’d overdone it, but he wanted to apologise to your face, rather than over text or call. Besides, he’d actually called your mobile more than a few times yesterday and every single time it went to voicemail. He didn’t want to tell any of his friends that anything was up, and in fact they were just as excited about tonight as you had been. Every time someone called out a cheerful ‘Happy Birthday!’ to him Ralph had to smile and say ‘thank you’ gracefully, even though he was even less joyous about it today than he had been when you’d run out. Eventually Ralph gave in and gave you one last call. Voicemail. Again. There was nothing for it then, other than to hunker down and do his work until he could drive home and get ready for tonight. Yune was the one to tap his desk eventually and snap him out of it, “Yo, birthday boy – it’s go time!” “Oh man, just let me finish this report…” “Uh uh, no way!!” Yune dragged Ralph’s chair away from his desk, and hoisted him up by his arms, “Out! Out! Out! We’re getting rounds in before dinner, I’m buyin’… or Samuels is buying, whatever-! Someone is buying that ain’t you!” Ralph couldn’t help but laugh, “Okay! Okay! Can I shut my computer down at least-!?” “I’m watching you, type another sentence and I’m gonna pull it out of the wall, and you won’t get the chance to save it!” Yune grinned. “Geez, I wouldn’t put it past ya either…” Then Ralph remembered, “Hold on, are you going right now?” “Well, yeah, but our fancy DA won’t be there until a little later – why?” “I… gotta get changed, first.” “Cool, I’ll wait in the car.” Ralph laughed again, “Alright, sweet!” Yune tapped him as they walked back through the precinct, “That’s to make sure you don’t skip out on me! You can’t leave me alone with him, I’ll go insane!” *** They managed to get a few rounds in before Samuels appeared – during that time Ralph tried to forget that the other reason he wanted to be home was to check for signs of you, still nothing – and the DA looked as ticked off as usual. Yune led off, arms folded, “Go on then, which one of ‘your boys’ is giving you jip this time.” Bill Samuels had changed out of his suit too: nice shirt, nice jeans, good black leather jacket – he gave Yune a look to shut him up and turned his unimpressed face on Ralph. “I hear you’re in a lot of shit!” Yune’s expression was unfathomable, “It’s his birthday man, what the hell!” Although when his eyes flicked back to Ralph, the detective looked guilty. Ralph swallowed thickly, “She told you.” “Yeah, she’s been at my place for two days – she won’t tell me everything, but you’ve clearly upset her!” Yune raised an eyebrow, Ralph of course hadn’t told anyone you’d had a falling out. It would make sense for Bill Samuels to know everything though, and for you to go to him. He was your best friend in Flint City, your parents lived out of town so there wasn’t really anywhere else you could have gone. Ralph should have used his detective skills to figure that out – in fact it probably wouldn’t even have taken a detective. “What the hell-!?” Yune smacked his arm, “What happened!?” “It was stupid, but she can’t say I haven’t tried calling her to apologise! She won’t pick up my calls!” “What did you say-!?!?” “I told her I didn’t want this…” Samuels put a hand to his forehead, “After she’s just spent a month planning it out?” “I know! It was late, I had a bad day at the office, I’m an idiot, can we move on?” Bill and Yune gave each other the same look before the DA cleared his throat, “Well after all that, I hope she turns up!” Ralph sighed, turning back to the bar, “Me too.” Yune could only grimace before quickly changing the subject, “Another round guys? What you having?” *** All things considered; Ralph did actually find himself enjoying his birthday evening. You didn’t turn up to the meal however, and after a few reassurances that ‘she’ll be here!’ both from his friends to him and also him to those who joined the three of them, everyone just kinda lapsed into silence about it. Not before Yune had hissed at Samuels to text you. “I can’t force her to come Yune-!” “Well, can we just put the guy out of his misery already?” “Ralph’s a big boy, he can handle it.” “Yeah okay, and whatever he said to her he shouldn’t have. But she set all this up… it’s a shame for her to miss it.” You didn’t reply to the text, but Bill did indicate that you’d read it. When they all arrived at the bar it was done up with banners and streamers, people were already waiting to celebrate with Detective Anderson and seemed to want to buy him round after round of drinks. Ralph just allowed himself to get lost in it all. Turning to the others with a slight smile, “Well, at least we know she was here.” It was nice to see old friends again, and you really had done a brilliant job with coordinating things, digging out people’s contact details and inviting them over from miles around. What struck Ralph the most was how happy they all were to be invited and to see him. The more he heard people say that, and talk about how sweet you were over the phone the more he beamed. “She- she’s really somethin’!” Ralph agreed, with a humble smile, only wishing that as he said it he could pull you closer and watch you get shy, burying your face in his jacket to hide the cute way you would blush. Ralph even received a call from Holly Gibney to wish him the best, “Happy Birthday Ralph!” “I knew you wouldn’t forget.” “I didn’t. But Y/N called anyway to invite me over. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it.” “She seems to have called the entire world to wish me well, Holly!” “Doesn’t surprise me!” She laughed gently, “Give her my love too, Ralph.” “I will. I promise.” If only he could see you to do such a thing. Things got later and he, Bill and Yune were back sitting at a bar chatting about nothing in particular. Including Ralph and Yune summing up cases that were heading Bill’s way and him rolling his eyes, “Brilliant. This sounds so exciting.” And the other two bursting into laugher at the look on his face. At least they were glad to see Ralph having a good time. Making the most even out of a bad situation. *** When you arrived at the bar it certainly was late in the day, groups of people you’d invited all off talking but all still here for him. You were glad of that; it was important that Ralph realise just how much he meant to people – even those outside of Flint City. You couldn’t help but smile as you continued to look around – the owners had let you come in early and spend your morning putting everything up (and also venting your frustrations) and, now it was bustling with people, Ralph’s favourite bar looked even better. Those people who had spotted you were already thanking you for their invites and commenting on how lovely the decorations were. You were taking all of that very much to heart. ‘Worth it in the end, wasn’t it, Ralph Anderson?’ You’d fought with yourself all evening – on the one hand you were scared that he really didn’t want to be here, and that he would just upset you all over again if you turned up and he wasn’t enjoying it, or he was only acting like he was enjoying it. Perhaps Ralph wouldn’t even have turned up at all – although you’d imagine Yune Sablo would have dragged him across town, no excuses. Part of you wanted to stay away out of spite – but then you didn’t want to be spiteful towards him on his birthday. You weren’t sure you could face him over dinner though, so that you’d had to skip and just hoped everyone would forgive you later. You also wanted to make sure that people were here before you turned up, because the ease of conversation between you would be better when the focus wouldn’t be on the two of you as the birthday boy and his significant other. Now to find him… Ralph was not the first of the three of them to spot you; Samuels was the one who offered you a small wave across the bar before nudging him. “Huh?” The DA just nodded and Ralph swivelled on his chair, before his lips parted. You were standing a little way away, and Ralph couldn’t describe you as looking anything other than flawless. Hair and makeup done, your dress was perfect – just the right length to be modest yet show off your legs, sleeves and shoulders in pretty patterned lace, in your hands was a card and present. You stood out in stark contrast to everyone else in the room. You caught his eye and smiled softly, but were clearly waiting for him to come to you. Yune pushed his back, “Go get her, Tiger.” Ralph almost told him to shut up, especially as Bill decided the joke was worth laughing at, but instead slipped from his stool and crossed the room to you. “You’re here.” You nearly giggled, “It’s your birthday, Ralph Anderson, of course I’m here.” “I thought you wouldn’t want to see me.” “I won’t lie, I had to talk myself into it.” His head bowed, “I’m sorry.” “I forgive you, we all have bad work days – I should have known that too.” “No, no. This one is on me, I won’t let you blame yourself.” “Okay, well…” You stepped forward, closing the gap between you, and stood up on your toes – sometimes you loved that he was so tall, sometimes you’d damn him for it - brushing your lips to his, before Ralph pulled you in for a real kiss. Sweet, gentle and apologetic. You knew you had an audience; you didn’t really care. “Happy Birthday.” Sinking back to height you held out his gift, “I hope you like it.” “Thank you.” Ralph took it from you delicately, already chuckling, “Is this what I think it is?” It was so obviously record shaped that he didn’t see how it could be anything else. You gave a shrug, “You’ll have to open it won’t you.” “If this is ‘The Original Washington Square’ I’ll kill you!” “Uh, careful, Detective, there’s a whole bunch of witnesses!” “And a DA and a police lieutenant, but I’m sure we can cover it up if I can get them on side.” “Samuels? Good luck!” He continued laughing, turning it over in his hands, “Can I open it?” “Isn’t that what gifts are for?” He tore carefully through the paper, and then started laughing: The Original Washington Square by The Village Stompers, indeed. “I can’t believe you found it-!” “Took some digging, but some people I know came through.” “Near mint… Aw, Y/N.” Ralph enveloped you in a hug, “I really… really don’t deserve you.” You squeezed him tight, happy to once again be in his arms, “Now don’t you start-! Happy Birthday, darling!” You both stepped back, and he took your hands in his as best he could, “Do you want a drink, or something?” “Actually… I know it’s the party I set up, but I came here to steal you away, Mr. Anderson.” “Oh?” He smiled, “Stealing? You’re walking a fine line there!” “Thought as much!” Ralph turned back to the other two, “Can I say goodbye?” “Mhm.” You ushered him back to them, and at least you watched the three of them banter together before they both hugged him, wishing him the happiest of birthdays – and something that was obviously suggestive by the way he shoved Yune’s shoulder – before they waved him and you off. Ralph draped his arm around your shoulders with a gentle smile, “Alright, you’ve piqued my interest, where are you taking me?” “Ahhhhh… It’s a surprise! Use your detective skills, and you might just figure it out!”

*** Ralph recognised the road you were taking out of Flint City at least – it was the one you needed for the main road to your parents place, so wherever you were taking him, it was easy for Ralph to see how you’d discovered it. “We’re not going all the way out to your folks, are we?” You smirked from the drivers side, “Why? Nervous?” “Not unless you’ve told your dad I upset you two days ago.” “I did no such thing!” You laughed, “It’s just up here, don’t worry yourself.” “As a detective…” Ralph craned his neck, there weren’t many lights up this road to tell him much of anything, “…dark secluded places out in the middle of nowhere tend to get my back up.” “Well thank god I have the FCPD’s finest with me.” He chuckled, and you saw the pink dust his cheeks, “Alright you, I get it.” When you pulled into a side road that Ralph didn’t even see coming, he was glad that your truck was built for off roading, “Yeah, now I’m getting real nervous!” There was a faint glow just up the track and soon you turned again as a tiny collection of quaint looking buildings came into view. Ralph squinted at the sign, “What… is a stargazing ranch?” “Bet you didn’t know Flint City was anywhere near one.” “That doesn’t answer my question.” “It is a stargazing ranch. Is what it is.” “…You’d be so helpful in a police interrogation.” You beamed across at him, “You’re welcome!” You continued on a little way until you came upon another little collection of guest huts, although you were paying more attention to the sky. “Look, Ralph! Look at them!” Well at least he knew now that stargazing was literal. “Where are we?” “You can stay here, but it’s mostly for avid stargazers. Ah, the things you can find on the internet.” “…Right well,” he cleared his throat, “what made you think of this?” “I watch you out in the garden sometimes, but you can’t see them as well there. And I just… wanted to get you alone for a little while.” You parked your truck up, “Your birthday isn’t over, either.” “Are we… staying here?” “Mhm. Don’t worry about clothes and stuff, trust me, you’re covered.” You opened the truck door, “I just need to set up, hold on a second…” Ralph undid his seat belt but waited patiently, giggling to himself at how crazy this seemed to be as you rummaged around in the back of your truck. The tailgate went down and you hopped up and down in the bed for a little while, before you appeared at his side. “I’m gonna need that record and your accompaniment now.” “Can I get out?” “If you close your eyes and trust me.” “This is where I get murdered isn’t it?” “Oh yes.” He laughed, hopping out of the truck, closing his eyes obediently as you took his hand and led him around the back. He heard the flicking of a lighter – Ralph wouldn’t be surprised if it was his own and you’d done a little too much rummaging in his drawers for it – and then sparks, making his eyebrows furrow. “Okay.” You breathed quietly and turned back to him, “Happy Birthday, Ralph!” He opened his eyes slowly, and what came out was a mix of ‘Oh!’ and ‘Aw!’. In the back of your truck you’d set up blankets and pillows to make a comfortable fort for the evening, there was a small cooler for drinks, and a record player. That explained why you wanted the one he was currently holding. But the centrepiece of all this was a cake, three layers of his favourite type with his favourite frosting, inscribed with ‘Happy Birthday Ralph’. Complete with sparklers and- “What is that?” “Oh it’s a fountain… I thought it looked cool!” The shower of blue and silver sparks certainly was something to behold, and Ralph put his hand over his mouth for a second to stop grinning like too much of an idiot. “Oh, Y/N… You didn’t have to-” “YES. YES I did! How can you not understand that? You’re an idiot, Ralph Anderson but you mean the world to me. Heck, without you I don’t know where I would be! And I was SO mad at you! SO mad that you couldn’t see how much you meant to people that they would want to turn up to these things and tell you how much they loved you!! But it took me two days to figure this all out so staying with Bill was kinda a blessing but… Oh, Ralph… I know you think you’re one man to the world but you are the WORLD to so many people. And my world could not exist without you.” He was looking at you very seriously, and all of this was hitting him very hard. Ralph swallowed, fighting back the urge to let at least one tear fall as he wrapped you back in his arms, “Oh… Y/N… I’m…” “Don’t tell me your sorry, I know that… I know.” You wound your arms around him too, “Just… please tell me you realise how much you’re worth?” He pressed a kiss to the crown of your head and smiled, “Sometimes… I think I do. And you’re for sure going to kick it into me.” Ralph pulled back, “I guess I should blow those out and make a wish, huh?” “Yes. You should, but no telling!” Ralph blew the candles out and you let him cut the cake into neat pieces before you both clambered into the back of your truck. He slid the record from its sleeve and set it up on the player, settling back with you Ralph held you in his arms again. You listened in silence for a little bit, content to just eat cake and crack open some drinks in each other’s presence. “Did your brother turn up!?” “No.” He laughed, “I admire your trying.” “Unless he turned up so late that you’d left!” “I hope they gave him hell!” “Oh my god! You think they know who he is to do that?” “He doesn’t look so different to me!” “Don’t know about that, you’re certainly more attractive.” You raised your eyebrows at him. “Oh, we’re gonna trash talk my brother all night?!” Then you both ended up cracking up once more and Ralph turned his attention to the cake, “Okay, this is SO good – did you bake it!?” You blushed horribly, “I should pretend I did. But no, I just ordered it.” “Oh… I’ll forget I asked.” “Haha! I appreciate that!” He studied your face for a moment, before leaning in and kissing you suddenly, making you gasp, “Wh-” “Frosting.” “You are… not as smooth as you think you are!” He cackled, “Yeaaah right, you should see the look on your face!” You shoved him, though knew you were at least a little flushed. Then you did settle back to watch the stars, “Y/N, I know I’ve said thank you a few times tonight but, honestly, your planning is impeccable.” “So… Detective Anderson is telling me he had a good birthday?” “Yes…” “Wow. Not bad when he didn’t want it!” “HUSH!” “I’m holding that over you for a long time, babe, get used to it!” You raised your can with a smile and took a sip. “Just let me thank you!” “I am letting you thank me, gosh, to think you’re usually the one winding me up so easily.” “All I want to say is, thank you for making this such a great birthday… I only wish I hadn’t been such an idiot and you could have shared it all with me.” “Oh, was dinner good?” “Really good.” “I’m glad, it came highly recommended. I was busy up here; don’t worry I did eat. I guess I was worried you wouldn’t want to see me anyway.” “Look I’m just… I’m glad we’re here, now.” You smiled gently as Ralph brushed his lips to yours again, “Me too.” You continued to snuggle together under blankets until the record side needed to be changed and then, as Ralph skilfully flipped it, stayed that way until the record ended. You were happy that the sky was cloudless and that the stars were particularly bright. You’d worried about that all day. “Well,” he looked to the record player, “That was money well spent!” “Oh! I’m not done with you yet…” You rummaged around behind you, and pulled out another box, it made sounds every time you moved it and Ralph once again didn’t need detective skills to know what was inside. “You got me another gift?” “Mhm.” “…Look I know I’m old, but I’m not sure I’m ‘puzzles as a hobby’ old.” “Don’t be so rude and open it! You don’t know what it is!” His grin only told you that this time it was his tease rattling you - as it should be in his opinion - and once again tore the brightly coloured paper from the box neatly. Ralph paused for a second, looking at the picture that the pieces would create. Then looked to you questioningly. “Well, there’s not a picture of us in your office, and you always said this one was your favourite. So, when you’re between cases or you need to take your mind off a case… you can work on your puzzle and after you put the pieces together, you can frame it and put it on the wall-!” “You’re crazy.” “99% of the time, yeah. What’s your point?” But Ralph was beaming, “It is my favourite. But you could have just got me a framed photograph.” “Too easy, Mr. Anderson. I wanted to give you something to do! Also there’s some cheesy line about completing me in there too, but I’m too embarrassed to say it out loud…” He placed the box down and cupped your face in one of his hands before leaning to kiss you into silence again, “Don’t worry,” these words were said between kisses, “I know exactly what you meant.” You wrapped your arms around Ralph as these short sweet kisses continued, and the wind cut in just the wrong direction, forcing you to shiver. “Oh, someone’s cold.” “Well…” You jerked your head behind you, “There’s a whole ass hut back there we can go get warm in.” “Get warm, or get warm?” He questioned, without a hint of suggestiveness crossing his face; smooth one Ralph… “Well…” You thought on it for a minute, “Think that should be birthday boy’s choice.” “Ahhhh… Then I’ll just have to keep you guessing!” He winked, guiding you back to the tailgate you tidied a little before carrying things inside. You were right, it didn’t take long to get a little fire going and for it to warm up nicely. Ralph stood, and admired his handiwork before he turned to you, “Well, you did put on a nice dress just for me…” “Meaning what?” Although the smirk on your face was playful. “Meaning I shouldn’t waste the opportunity to love on such a kind, beautiful girl when she did so much for me today.” He crossed the room before sweeping you up into his arms. You pointed across the room, opposite to where he was taking you, “Alright, Detective Anderson, bedroom’s that way.” Ralph kissed you once again, slow and full of promises, “There she goes again.” “Happy to help, birthday boy.” You wrapped your arms around his shoulders, with a wink, kissing his cheek once more. As he turned on a dime, you still in his arms, he gave an embarrassed ‘we won’t talk about this’ clear of his throat. Well, you wouldn’t tease him about his detective skills just yet. You knew he was about to put them to good use.

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Thank you for reading!! Thank you for requesting! 🥰

[hoidn]

Ways to say 'I love you'   |   I · II · III

Longmire + antiphony (& tree has a lot to say, below)

I named this set 'antiphony' because I wanted to show a sort of 'call and response' dynamic, which is both rare and significant between Walt and Vic. When it comes to emotional issues, most of the communication between them is only halfway verbalised; it's a call without a response. In the silence of the other half of the conversation, facial expression, stance, and eye contact assume the role of words. While they do okay as limited signifiers, ultimately they're too open to interpretation when everything is already vague and shrouded in masking layers of meaning. Additionally, there's a lack of reciprocity in a silent reaction; the missing verbal response — whether it be due to fear, anger, or confusion — represents an unwillingness, inability, or even refusal to engage. It's a dead end, a cliff edge, something you can only turn from instead of moving forward. The ride comes to a complete stop, as it were. Call and response requires reciprocity, which, to quote William Easterly, "is really at the heart of equality." That's why, I think, it's so rare prior to season 6: Walt and Vic's personal relationship is consistently unequal.

In seasons 1 through 5 it's almost always Vic doing the calling and Walt's lack of response. Season 6 begins the same way; in the opening of 6x01, she tells him, "You have me." He responds with what I like to call his I am having a lot of feelings I don't know what to do with face. It's a beautiful moment but it's also standard procedure. However! The dynamic switches later in the episode. When Walt says, "I trust you, Vic," he doesn't just mean that he trusts her to do her job. We know that he trusts her with much more than that: not only his physical wellbeing (which, let's face it, he doesn't put much of a priority on), but also his strictly guarded inner life. Vic's the one to whom he confesses his guilt over calling Lizzie Ambrose. Vic's the one he tells about Martha's murder before anyone else, aside from Henry.

His trust is evident in his actions, but it's never been acknowledged aloud before. Walt actually verbalising it is a big deal. He's not just saying that he's confident in her ability to solve the case; he's putting his whole future in her hands. For a man who's demonstrated time and again his determination to do everything his own way and on his own, who can be ruthless in his need for control (or at least the illusion of control), his willingness and even ease in ceding control to Vic is huge.

This is the pivot. This is the moment that alters their direction decisively. Of course, there are other important, more explicitly demonstrative and/or romantic, points along their tragectory, but this is the genesis. This, you might say, is the precursive surrender, to borrow Emil Ludwig's phrasing. Both the 'first' and the 'final surrender' in 6x10 are sourced in this moment.

Vic's lack of vocal response to Walt's statement indicates that the dynamic is well and truly flipped (and the rest of the season bears this out; the inequality remains because she's the wary one, now, unsure she can trust him not to hurt her again). When viewed another way, though, what seem to be two separate conversations in this episode are actually one. Walt's response (I trust you) is a belated answer to Vic's call (You have me). Each of them is confirming the importance of the other in their life. It sets up the underlying emotional arc of season 6, which is them inching towards equality and reciprocity with one another. And that's why most of the call and response moments happen here.

They're trying so hard amidst everything else that's going on in their lives. At this point, they're both sure enough to be able to give of themselves; it's the receiving they continue to have trouble with. That's something they don't manage to achieve until the final episode, but to me it's the reason why the scenes at the cabin are so beautiful and powerful. Walt spends the season walking around leaking emotions like he just can't hold them in anymore, although he's still taking baby steps when it comes to acting on those emotions. It's a necessary waiting period, though, because it allows Vic the time she needs to trust that if she puts her faith in his feelings again she's not going to be rejected. That sense of coming full circle, of completion, is one of the things I love about the whole season. It's not just about Walt and Vic getting together at last; it's also about the way in which it happens and how emotionally satisfying it is because of the care that's taken to build to the moment when they can finally meet each other as equals.

[dancerwrites]

to feel and to live

Percy, during episode 115. In memory of Vox Machina.

2.2k words, brief mentions of death and lots of angst. and perc’ahlia, because how could I not?

Hope you enjoy <3

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Percy had never considered himself an empathetic person. As a child and teen he’d been willfully ignorant of the world beyond his immediate interests, contrary to more of his outgoing siblings. Julius in particular had been the one to rush to the aid of a crying sibling and attend to anyone who required assistance, be it servant, citizen of Whitestone, or visiting noble.

Percy could remember Julius listening to concerns and putting others’ needs before his own, but as much as Johanna had tried teaching the same lessons to her second son, Percy had been too independent and secluded in his disposition, and never found the appeal in branching out… until his family was killed.

Until his family was killed and he escaped and he was forced out into a world with unknowns too numerous to count, like snowflakes piling up on the Alabaster Sierras in the height of winter. The external world became an avalanche rushing toward him and sweeping him up to be carried off amidst its chill, involuntarily thrust from one adventure to the next.

During his travels with the SHITs he’d wondered, quite often, how things would be if one of his other siblings had made it out. If Keyleth might’ve warmed up quicker to Vesper, who grew up tending the gardens with their mother, or if Scanlan would’ve appreciated Oliver’s lewd sense of humor. He found himself, on sleepless nights, questioning if Grog might’ve appreciated Julius’ melee fighting compared to Percy’s own style and, when the newly-christened “Vox Machina” split up before reconvening at Greyskull, if one of his siblings would have stuck around at all.

Later on he found himself wondering if fate would’ve carried his siblings in the same direction as himself. Then a tripped trap in a tomb and a meeting at the Raven’s Crest had him rethinking his opinions on Fate as a whole.

As his weapons spread, as they reached corners of the world farther than he had ever travelled and he hunted down the woman who, besides himself, was responsible for their existence, Percy felt an acute guilt that his weapons caused so much destruction. But he never felt sorrow for those who would be killed, only frustration and anger and fear that things would loop back around to affect those he had come to care for so deeply.

Percy had never considered himself an empathetic person, but he watched one of his brothers, not by blood but by choice, fade into shadow and he watched his beloved’s heart break as the person closest to her in all Exandria was shuttled away and he felt a wave of realization come over him. It was held back momentarily by a quip from Scanlan that had Manners wrapping the gnome in a tight cocoon of iron like the shackles Percy’d kept on his feelings and memories for as long as he could remember. It helped, for a moment.

“Percy, please,” Vex murmured, fingers clenched in a fist just barely hovering over her lips, voice trembling as her eyes darted from his face to Scanlan’s and back. “I can’t take it right now.”

Numbly he nodded and checked through Scanlan’s pockets perfunctorily. Finding nothing of interest, he called the ball back to itself and stepped back as Scanlan made a show of brushing himself off and Vex gave him a grateful nod before drifting over to Keyleth.

The sun overhead glinted from behind a cloud, and Percy glanced over, wandering to the edge of the balcony and taking a deep breath of fresh air that stung at his lungs, nearly warming him from the inside out at the sudden rush of coolness flowing through him.  

The city of Vasselheim was laid out below him, buildings smoking, but some scattered people dancing in the streets. People with homes, with lives that they’d saved – lives he’d helped save. There were larger crowds congregating in squares throughout the streets, and for a moment Percy could acutely imagine the friends gathered together and the families who’d lost members in the fight, but who lingered and laughed in the wake of it all.

The marble railing on the balcony stopped his progress forward, and Percy’s hands, calloused and rough, ran across the smooth stone, taking in its uniformity and mapping out each ridge and valley.

He took another breath, the second just as cold, and he felt it rushing through his nose and down his throat and spreading through his chest. It gave him a clarity of mind that he was altogether unfamiliar with.

Percy blinked, looking away from the streets and turning back towards his friends. The gnomes and Grog had disappeared from view, but he saw Keyleth clinging tightly to Vex, her shorter hair just barely falling past her eyes so they were blocked from his view.

He felt an ache in his chest, like the prodding of a festering wound, and the realization that had briefly hit him a minute or so prior coursed through him again. The cold air of Vasselheim caught in his throat and Percy let himself lean against the railing behind him, tears coming to his eyes that he subconsciously blamed on the biting wind. His legs suddenly felt very weak and he sat, forcing himself to breathe steadily as sorrow bloomed in his chest.

For the first time in three years, it felt like he had caught up to the world.

He couldn’t deny the memories anymore, nor the pain that pulled at his heart. He couldn’t deny the holes in him that had never fully been filled, even with the patches Vox Machina had supplied, it felt like he was suddenly melting into the chilled floor.

Percy took another breath as he felt the pain of losing his family burn hot for the first time in years, spurred on by the agony on Vex’s face as Vax had disappeared into the Raven Queen’s embrace. And Keyleth, with her transparent emotions that she couldn’t help wearing out in the open… His heart ached at the still-tangible memory of her anguish.

He had never considered himself an empathetic person, but that was the only way he could explain feeling so much for the first time in years.

The guns on his back suddenly felt very heavy, layered on with the weight of the people whose bodies they’d passed on the way to the Platinum Sanctuary. His pouches and pockets, already laden full with black powder and empty potion bottles and more letters that he’d written over the last couple nights – one to Cassandra and one to Keyleth, one to Vex and one to Vax…

He dropped his hand down to his side, momentarily considering perusing them before his fingers caught on the outline of a different piece of paper folded into his inner coat pocket. Percy paused, breath catching, but he pushed past it toward the Dragon Slayer Longsword instead, drawing it from its sheath and weighing it in his hands, thinking of the many times he’d cut others down and needed to clean the blade. How many enemies had he struck down? How many others had been struck down with swords of a similar ilk, or with duller edges that caught on the skin?

His mind drifted to Craven Edge, that devil of a weapon, and his heart clenched at the thought of how many people had fallen to Sylas’ blade.

The contract in his pocket drew his attention again, but Percy pushed it aside, trying to use the same techniques he usually did to compartmentalize his thoughts even as the walls were bowing in around him.

Who had come up with the idea of a sword, he wondered. Had they been as guilt-ridden as himself? Had they been a warrior, battle-hardened already? What had people used before swords, anyway?

Usually unanswerable questions distracted him, but usually his mind wasn’t being overwhelmed with present and past emotions and wave upon wave of sorrow and guilt and a desire to break things apart to put his family back together.

He watched the sunlight glint off of the sword in his hand, the pommel shining as he tilted it back and forth, but it couldn’t hold his attention long enough, and he soon found his hand slipping down toward the contract again.

“Ipkesh?” he asked, eyes still locked on the blade as he tapped the contract (as if the perturbance would call his attention). “Could you bring him back? Would it, that thing you gave me, bring him back?”

One beat of silence, then two.

He saw Vex’s leggings in his peripheral vision and slipped his hand back toward the sword despite knowing there was no way he could look inconspicuous.

Three beats of silence. Four. Five.

“Hmm,” he murmured, feeling like a child ignored by his parents or a tutor, a bright flash of frustration fighting against the other emotions welling up inside even as he kept his voice calm. “Nothing at all. All right.”

Vex came closer and knelt down next to him, sinking to the floor with as much grace as she always possessed.

“How are you?” she asked, voice low but direct.

It cut him to the core all too roughly, despite her gentle timbre.

“I don’t know,” he admitted with a sigh, feeling shakier as he said the words aloud. “I think I really miss my family. I think I miss my sisters and… my parents.”

Percy almost gritted his teeth to hold back the rush of pain and tears that threatened to overcome him once again. “I think I was going to be a clockmaker once,” he said, the words coming out of nowhere as he continued verbalizing his thoughts. “I haven’t thought about that in…” He trailed off, feeling bombarded by memories, both happy and sad, from his time with his family.

“There was a moment,” he choked out after a brief moment for reflection, pulling himself back together to look up at her, eyes meeting hers, and he felt like he was shaking with the effort of all he was letting go. “Do you remember when we met?”

Her lips curl into a small, knowing smile, and her eyes follow the happy expression despite the tears still drying on her cheeks. Percy is taken aback yet again at Vex’s capacity for love and brightness in the most trying of times, but he can’t dwell on it for too long because he needs to let her know, needs to lay his secrets bare before her before he loses his nerve.

So he does. He tells her about seeing her and thinking it could only be a dream, or some hallucination preceding death or, perhaps, whatever comes afterwards. It’s as if the past few years have been under some sort of fog, even after Orthax’s grip had been cut away and cauterized like a gaping wound.

Percy is not a good man. This he knows. But the sudden weight of guilt and anxiety and – is this what empathy felt like? Realizing, somehow, that those people around you are not figments of your imagination but are real and tangible and that they feel as you do?

Gods, empathy weighed far too much. And he tried to explain to Vex his understanding, or what it used to be (he’s not sure anymore) about brokenness and why he was willing to fight with a goddess for a brief moment… It all feels so shallow in the scope of everything else.

Almost nauseous at the thoughts spinning in his head, Percy half-missed Vex’s whispered comfort as he forces out the truth that’s suddenly looming large as the Ttian still standing eerie vigil over the city.

“I am so tired of hurting people,” he murmured.

“You don’t have to hurt anyone anymore,” she replied immediately. And Vex made the words sound like he is forgiven, like he could, possibly, someday, make up for the weight of the atrocities he’s committed. Her teary eyes are radiance and her smile is mercy, sweeping him up and pulling him in.

How did he ever get so lucky?

“I love you very much,” Percy whispered, feeling like he was slowly being patched back together, carefully and by hand with neat, precise stitching.

“I love you,” she said, placing a hand over his own.

It’s enough.

-

Later that night, out in the woods, curled together underneath stars he used to try to count, Vex’s words come back to him as he holds her close, having spent enough time together that he knows where to put his arms to fit her in them perfectly.

“We’ll fill each other’s gaps. We’ll be the glue.”

There, in the forest of his home, with just the two of them against the rest of the world, as close as they’ve ever been physically, Percy can say, with full confidence, that he understands exactly how she feels. The love she holds for him and the desire to see him be more than he’s ever imagined he could be…

He finds himself swearing, beneath the sight of Pelor or the Raven Queen or whoever else might be watching, that he’ll help hold her together just as she’s done for him all these years.

Percy fell asleep as the load of others’ concerns was lifted from his shoulders, even if only for a moment. And as he drifted off, nose buried in Vex’s hair and fingers twined around hers, he found himself thinking that, for all its weight, empathy was worth it.

[parkminijiminie]

Hi ~ I love you so much and your observations seems more logical to me. I saw your 3 top jeonlous moments and I'm curious to know what do you think about jm's jaelousy moments. He got some few ones. Can you tell me what are your favs? (Sorry for my bad english 🙇)

Hi, darling Anon. Thank you for stopping by and for your love!  No worries about your English, it isn’t bad at all! Besides, English is not my native language too so I could never judge you. 

Ah, the famous cousin to Jeonlous - Jimlous. Much more rarely seen, harder to provoke but when it comes to play, it bolts in the door. Certainly as a quantity the times we can be sure Jimin was jealous are distinctively less than with JK. He is simply better at controlling his facial expressions and I think generally he is chill with Jungkook interacting with the other members for example. Maybe it’s Jungkook whose behaviour makes him feel more at easy. Jimin is almost always in the center of Kookie’s attention anyway, verbally or not JK somehow manages to always show his favoritism and affection, so that might be a factor too. Or maybe Jimin is simply better at pretending.

That being said there still are some iconic Jimlous moments. Most often than not the reason behind can be analysed not so much as jealousy per se but more as Jimin getting petty and salty over Jungkook showing favoritism to another person. We know Minnie likes attention and praise and we also know Jungkook is more than happy to give it to him but in the rare instances when Jiminie feels neglected, things get interesting:

Example A: “Jimin-ah” - This moment right here at around 0:25 - 0:40. 

Jungkook is talking with a fan (who is also called Jimin), he is holding her hands, sending her a flying kiss and calling her “Jimin-ah”. Jimin is throwing glances at them from the side, cracking his neck (repeatedly), putting his tongue in his cheek and generally looking hella annoyed, downright scary. Next thing we know JK continues to hold the fan’s hands while she is moving to PJM side and calling her “Jimin-ah”. The tension breaks, our Jiminie laughs and the moment is broken.

JK probably did know what he was doing though and was teasing his hyung with these Jimin-ahs because the same fan returned to another fansign (I think it was last year during DNA era but I might be wrong) and Kookie started calling “Jimin-ah” again and he was looking at Jimin to see his reaction. He was either teasing at the first fansign too or he wasn’t but later saw videos of the moment. He must have found them and Jimin’s reaction funny, hence why he decided to do the same thing again when the chance presented itself. In any way two times is not a coincidence. 

It’s a small moment, nothing spectacular but the reaction PJM showed was one of his scariest looking moments in my opinion.

Example B: “The shower incident” -  This one I want to analize in a bit more thorough manner. I’m talking about BTS Run ep. 15 . 

(Some background information: BTS are separated into two teams: Maknae line vs The Hyungs and have to find one spy among them. They’re playing a game in which the members attack each other with words and if you react with anything other than “I see”, you lose) 

The moment start at 6:00. It’s Jhope vs Jungkook, Hobi accuses Kookie of being impolite because while he was showering JK opened the door, checked him out, called “Yeaaahh” and left. Jimin is watching from the side. The moment Hoseok talks about this instance, at precisely 6:16 you can actually literally see the surprise in his eyes.  Up until this moment he didn’t know this had happened. His fingers stop moving and he looks genuinely taken aback. Then he moves to the edge of his seat, puts his hands on the table and start looking down. His whole body language screams that he is uncomfortable, like proccessing a piece of information that he doesn’t like (6:23 - 6:29). 

By then, Hobi has already moved to another story of JK leaving dirty dishes behind but Jimin is not satisfied and decides to do something about it. He actually gets up, in the middle of the game, and goes to Jhope’s side (6:31), a person from the opposite team and immediately points at Jungkook, literally points his finger at him, and start recalling a (dare I say kind of absurd) story about JK toothbrushes. Everyone is suprised. Hoseok keeps looking at Jimin with a frozen expression (6:43), Kookie even turns to the side and asks “Are we not at the same team?”. But Jimin finishes his story with the statement “I was very angry” to which JJK responds, in a state of apparent shock and seemingly mild panick “That wasn’t me”. Jimin, who looks to actually be bluffing, smiles awkwardly at 6:59 and goes back to his seat. 

Hopekook finish their game and hug while Jimin ignores them. At first he looks at the ceiling (6:53), then at 6:56 , when they hug, he looks at them briefly and the diverts his gaze at his hands, proceading to sulk in his seat. Which he continues to do for some minutes after. Meanwhile JK sits at the side next to Tae. At 7:46 Jimin gets up to play the next game and Jungkook (who is now standing at the side and watching him) tries to catch his attention, pointing, stuttering a little and saying to him “Jiminie hyung you must win this round” to which he receives no reaction as far as we see (it could’ve been cut).

Throughout the games Jiminie continues to be somewhat quiet and him and Jungkook don’t have interactions but in the end of the episode we can assume everything is fine as he is sitting in Jungkook’s lap (although that might be to get closer to Jin’s food) which concluded this awkward exchange.

Example C: “Who are you even Jungkook” - I’m not even going to do a detailed analysis with timestamps on this amazing moment  as the whole video is honestly worth watching. 

The entire time Jimin sounds salty and petty, talking about how he has never seen Jungkook being like this, how Jungkook has never responded so well or acted like this even for him, how he ignored Jimin when he tried to talk to him and continued playing on this computer, how he threw him around the house and etc. Honestly to me (and a lot of people at the comment section) he sounds jealous. (Disclaimer: not of Minwoo but of the difference of behaviour Jimin thinks that Jungkook shows)

And at the same time JM keeps reminding us how he talked with Jungkook about the show, how they went bowling together, how even though Kookie is not good at grilling meat, he still tried a few times with Jimin, how Kookie likes to throw just him around and even when Jin tries to say he gets treated roughly by Jungkook too, Jimint cuts him off by saying “He doesn’t do anything to you but he does to me”. 

Half of the time he’s throwing shade how Jungkook basically doesn’t love him enough (or show his affection to him enough) and the other half he’s going on about how special he is to Kookie. So which one is it? PICK A SIDE, JIMINIE 

 And then there’s the cherry on top, also known as Jimin being CAUGHT IN A LIEEE - 

Jimin: He (Jungkook) never has that in front of me. […] He has no emotion in front of me in anything. 

That is THE lie of the centure right there. Who are you trying to fool Jimin-ah - us or yourself? ‘Cause you know, we ain’t blind or deaf, we see how Kookie looks at you and how soft he is with you. You can’t trick us. 

I would like to add though that these are my personal thoughts on the moments so take them with a grain of salt. Also, just as I said when I talked about Jungkook being jealous, I will repeat that I am not a big fan of the whole jealousy concept. While it is a perfectly normal human emotion which happens to exist and is not always a negative thing, I don’t like the fact that it gets too overhyped and romantized, especially in combination with possessive and problematic behaviour. 

[warenakita]

Interview with Lensa Seni (Cendana)

For the first time, we were on the opposite side of the interview table! A weird feeling but welcoming one nevertheless. We'd like to thank Lu Yin for giving WK the opportunity to sift our thoughts on why we do what we do. Anyway, here's what we wrote back to Lu Yin upon receiving the questions via email. You may also read the published interview by Lu Yin here.

1.How did the Warenakita Collaborative come about? How has its goals, focus or strategies changed over the months?

BQ: Nisa and I created Warena Collaborative (WK) to give a name to our collaboration in 2020.

Our first collaboration documents the natural pigments we used in our practice of ceramic and printmaking. Hence the old Malay name “Warenakita” which means “warna kita” or “our colours”.

Our goals have always been to share our/other creative journeys, findings and resources with those that can benefit from it. WK focus has always been about craft, design and natural philosophy (natural science or study of nature). Our strategies? Always adapting with the tides of interest, resources and (economical) platforms. We get bored easily so it’s very important to have fun and enjoy the things we do here or change it up to make it anew.

2.You focus on the crafts of work that are made from natural environment. Also, you combine arts and science together to address issues that matter such as climate change. Through this project, why is it important to address these topics?

NN: Balqis and I are both practicing very different crafts, Balqis with sun printing and myself doing ceramics. However what we share and feel strongly about in both our practices is the appreciation of nature; the beauty and wisdom that nature offers. While working with elements of nature, we can’t help but re-examining our understanding and perception of the world around us, questioning the world view or the Weltanschauung. Oftentimes, we find that the ways we live our life are not aligned with the natural order of things, which consequently generate undesirable effects. We have become so used to the ‘unnatural’ way of life because it is deeply embedded within the fabric of society, local and global scale at large. We were never intentionally trying to fight for environmental causes such as climate change but by immersing ourselves in the natural world we cannot help but be aware of the issues surrounding it. We start realizing that the world and everything in it is much more intertwined and connected than we ever give much thought of. Everything that we do, some ways or another will have its consequences, be it positive or negative on our surroundings. That’s what we hope to share with our audiences as well, the intricacies and complexities of our world, that we are very much connected and dependant on each other. To put it simply, we are a part of nature.

3.How did the both of you meet? What are your individual entry points or reasons to working on this project and these themes?

BQ: We both first met at a mutual friend’s exhibition in Zhongshan Building, two wall flowers fending for themselves. As two in-silo makers, we both voiced the lack of financial and resources to support young practitioners. A lot of (online) check-ins, sharing our insights and figuring out ways to move forward together. Basically being a good cheerleader to one another. On a plus side, we both compliment things we lacked in each other. Nisa is quiet but she has a powerful observation that packs a punch and perhaps on my side, I contribute through my love for order and planning. Empowered from our collaboration, we want to support other alternative practitioners too . By giving them this platform (Alternatif Sundays), a safe space to share, inspire and garner potential collaborators from other disciplines.

4.Could you explain the creative process behind working on Warenakita Collaborative, from selecting the participants to supporting their projects?

NN: At the moment, we are running a project called Alternatif Sunday under the banner of WarenaKita Collaborative where we highlight stories of great interest and importance which are aligned with the intention of WarenaKita. We begin by identifying potential individuals, groups or projects to be highlighted. Once Balqis and I agree on them, we will have a brainstorming session with the invited guest(s)/collaborator(s) where we get to know more about them personally and also their works. After the brainstorming, we will start to formulate and prepare for the interview session which is the culmination of the collaborative efforts. After the interview, we will move on to the editing and curating before we release the content. We are still new at this, so it has been pretty much a lot of trial and error, exploring different ways and platforms that we can best utilize to create the most beneficial outcome. We’ve been utilizing a lot of the online platforms, as a response to the current situation we are in. We are still in that process of learning, exploring and growing alongside our guest(s)/collaborator(s) and we are extremely grateful that they have been so supportive throughout the entire process.

5.What are the criteria when selecting the participants to support them?

BQ: Local practitioner(s) that works in silo (solo, isolated or works in niched practices) in the field of craft, design or science. We want to highlight those research and practices working in the interjection of culture, tradition, history, ecology & scientific knowledge. Many creatives benefit from multi-disciplinary backgrounds and collaboration so we want to show and highlight that as much as possible so we can encourage an ecosystem of practitioners. One that can help each other and drive on healthy collaboration and competition.

6.What were the challenges you faced in this project? How did you overcome them?

NN: One of the major challenges would be balancing between the commitment for WarenaKita and our own practices and works. WarenaKita came to be as a passion project for both Balqis and I, meaning that we are investing our own time and effort into this while still running our own creative practices and businesses, as well as working other jobs. So we have to adjust the amount of commitment that we can give to WarenaKita depending on our availability and capacity. For now, we are in the middle of recruiting more people to get on board and be part of the team as well as building up our portfolio to apply for funds and grants to ensure long term sustainability of the initiative.

7.From the episodes in the first IGTV series, which story impacts you the most and why?

BQ: Each individual's story impacts us in one way or another. But on a personal level, Afiq and Shu's “The Last Glow” collaboration has challenged my worldview with its message. I can't unsee the damage we have done to our ocean nor its inhabitants. Ignorance is not a bliss. Last but not least, Huda & Dr Azril's sharing in “The Darkroom Practitioners”- based on a mutual love for slow craft and traditional image-making. Just talking and listening to both of them gives me so much hope and courage to persevere in my own journey. I can't emphasise how important it is to listen and share our own creative journey with others in order to relieve and empower each other. We need to practice more empathy and solidarity.

8.What exciting episode in your upcoming series we will be looking forward to?

NN: We do have a number of guest(s)/collaborator(s) in our mind, from diverse backgrounds and places. Among them are an artist-curator, a Singaporean writer, paper artisan, furniture designer, art teacher and many more. We are always on the lookout for potential guest(s)/collaborator(s) so the list will grow as we go along.

9.Since the pandemic, people in the art industry have shifted gears to incorporate technology such as showcasing exhibitions on social media and websites and running online discussions via Zoom and Google Meet. For your case, how do you transcend your art with technology? How has technology benefited or hindered you in the creative process?

BQ: With practitioners that use their hand, traditional tools and variety of materials or components for making, the physical and tactile experience with their work and clients are still superior over online presence. However, we don't deny the limitations we faced today with the inability to meet or travel as freely we did before.

Social media and websites helped to boost our business presence whereas online discussion via Zoom & Google Meet allow the best of face-to-face, real-time conversation with audience or potential clients during this pandemic. With the right strategy, technology can assist hands-on practitioners to cast a wider net of clienteles and sustain their business in these hard times.

But personally, for small practices, it's a double edge sword. For instance, too much social media and time spent online takes away the spirit and time for creation and exploration. We as practitioners need to be in full presence, in the physical field or consciousness to develop our craft. Each practitioner needs to find their own balance in order to avoid tech anxiety which Nisa and I personally faced from time to time. No doubt about that.

10.What are your opinions about the craft industry adapting to modern aspects (such as science and technology) in Malaysia?

NN: Craft originally has never been separated from science and technology. Take ceramics for example, the craftsmen need to have a good understanding of the clay material and other minerals, which involve to some extent geological and chemistry knowledge. They need to know how to control and predict the firing, which requires extensive experimentations and a whole lot of trials and errors to be developed. It’s just that the knowledge was never formalized in writings and books but was passed down from generations through verbal communication. Craft was not something trivial, but accompanied with long time dedication and commitment to knowledge and learning. However today it feels like most of our crafts have lost that meaningful tradition and perhaps that could be one of the reasons why the general perception of craft is rather shallow and reductive. I hope we can revive that tradition again, that craft should be practiced alongside the pursuit of knowledge. That’s how we can bring meaning and value back into our craft practices.

11.In 5 years, what do you hope to see in the Malaysian craft scene?

BQ: I hope for the craft scene in the coming years to be more embolden to make our tradition relevant to the younger generation, to thrive together in a symbiotic ecosystem not based on driving away competition but rather on support and encouragement for one another. To not just celebrate the objects, art or tradition but also the very people, community and individual that is the 'heart' of the craft.

Today we see a lot of young craft practitioners are starting out and they are looking for the meanings and values to their particular crafts, us included. I hope to see more meaningful exploration of craft that is accompanied with the pursuit of knowledge, wherever the knowledge can come from; be it from nature, the wisdom of the past or the modern technological advancement and research. There is so much value and lesson in craft that we take for granted or are not aware of, and I hope to spread the joy and appreciation for craft, for simple things in life. Naturally, the preservation and appreciation of craft will continue on as we see more practitioners are dedicating their passion and commitment and most importantly, love into the craft that they are producing. People will notice, and they will become appreciative. It’s also important to see more of such stories being told out there so that the voices of the craftspeople, researchers and thinkers can be amplified to reach a wider public. There is strength in numbers, so I also hope to see more craft communities emerge where ideas and knowledge can be shared and discussed actively.

Check out the published article in Cendana website here.

[pigmentplantplace]

Interview with Lensa Seni (Cendana)

For the first time, we were on the opposite side of the interview table! A weird feeling but welcoming one nevertheless. We'd like to thank Lu Yin for giving WK the opportunity to sift our thoughts on why we do what we do. Anyway, here's what we wrote back to Lu Yin upon receiving the questions via email. You may also read the published interview by Lu Yin here.

1.How did the Warenakita Collaborative come about? How has its goals, focus or strategies changed over the months?

BQ: Nisa and I created Warena Collaborative (WK) to give a name to our collaboration in 2020.

Our first collaboration documents the natural pigments we used in our practice of ceramic and printmaking. Hence the old Malay name “Warenakita” which means “warna kita” or “our colours”.

Our goals have always been to share our/other creative journeys, findings and resources with those that can benefit from it. WK focus has always been about craft, design and natural philosophy (natural science or study of nature). Our strategies? Always adapting with the tides of interest, resources and (economical) platforms. We get bored easily so it’s very important to have fun and enjoy the things we do here or change it up to make it anew.

2.You focus on the crafts of work that are made from natural environment. Also, you combine arts and science together to address issues that matter such as climate change. Through this project, why is it important to address these topics?

NN: Balqis and I are both practicing very different crafts, Balqis with sun printing and myself doing ceramics. However what we share and feel strongly about in both our practices is the appreciation of nature; the beauty and wisdom that nature offers. While working with elements of nature, we can’t help but re-examining our understanding and perception of the world around us, questioning the world view or the Weltanschauung. Oftentimes, we find that the ways we live our life are not aligned with the natural order of things, which consequently generate undesirable effects. We have become so used to the ‘unnatural’ way of life because it is deeply embedded within the fabric of society, local and global scale at large. We were never intentionally trying to fight for environmental causes such as climate change but by immersing ourselves in the natural world we cannot help but be aware of the issues surrounding it. We start realizing that the world and everything in it is much more intertwined and connected than we ever give much thought of. Everything that we do, some ways or another will have its consequences, be it positive or negative on our surroundings. That’s what we hope to share with our audiences as well, the intricacies and complexities of our world, that we are very much connected and dependant on each other. To put it simply, we are a part of nature.

3.How did the both of you meet? What are your individual entry points or reasons to working on this project and these themes?

BQ: We both first met at a mutual friend’s exhibition in Zhongshan Building, two wall flowers fending for themselves. As two in-silo makers, we both voiced the lack of financial and resources to support young practitioners. A lot of (online) check-ins, sharing our insights and figuring out ways to move forward together. Basically being a good cheerleader to one another. On a plus side, we both compliment things we lacked in each other. Nisa is quiet but she has a powerful observation that packs a punch and perhaps on my side, I contribute through my love for order and planning. Empowered from our collaboration, we want to support other alternative practitioners too . By giving them this platform (Alternatif Sundays), a safe space to share, inspire and garner potential collaborators from other disciplines.

4.Could you explain the creative process behind working on Warenakita Collaborative, from selecting the participants to supporting their projects?

NN: At the moment, we are running a project called Alternatif Sunday under the banner of WarenaKita Collaborative where we highlight stories of great interest and importance which are aligned with the intention of WarenaKita. We begin by identifying potential individuals, groups or projects to be highlighted. Once Balqis and I agree on them, we will have a brainstorming session with the invited guest(s)/collaborator(s) where we get to know more about them personally and also their works. After the brainstorming, we will start to formulate and prepare for the interview session which is the culmination of the collaborative efforts. After the interview, we will move on to the editing and curating before we release the content. We are still new at this, so it has been pretty much a lot of trial and error, exploring different ways and platforms that we can best utilize to create the most beneficial outcome. We’ve been utilizing a lot of the online platforms, as a response to the current situation we are in. We are still in that process of learning, exploring and growing alongside our guest(s)/collaborator(s) and we are extremely grateful that they have been so supportive throughout the entire process.

5.What are the criteria when selecting the participants to support them?

BQ: Local practitioner(s) that works in silo (solo, isolated or works in niched practices) in the field of craft, design or science. We want to highlight those research and practices working in the interjection of culture, tradition, history, ecology & scientific knowledge. Many creatives benefit from multi-disciplinary backgrounds and collaboration so we want to show and highlight that as much as possible so we can encourage an ecosystem of practitioners. One that can help each other and drive on healthy collaboration and competition.

6.What were the challenges you faced in this project? How did you overcome them?

NN: One of the major challenges would be balancing between the commitment for WarenaKita and our own practices and works. WarenaKita came to be as a passion project for both Balqis and I, meaning that we are investing our own time and effort into this while still running our own creative practices and businesses, as well as working other jobs. So we have to adjust the amount of commitment that we can give to WarenaKita depending on our availability and capacity. For now, we are in the middle of recruiting more people to get on board and be part of the team as well as building up our portfolio to apply for funds and grants to ensure long term sustainability of the initiative.

7.From the episodes in the first IGTV series, which story impacts you the most and why?

BQ: Each individual's story impacts us in one way or another. But on a personal level, Afiq and Shu's “The Last Glow” collaboration has challenged my worldview with its message. I can't unsee the damage we have done to our ocean nor its inhabitants. Ignorance is not a bliss. Last but not least, Huda & Dr Azril's sharing in “The Darkroom Practitioners”- based on a mutual love for slow craft and traditional image-making. Just talking and listening to both of them gives me so much hope and courage to persevere in my own journey. I can't emphasise how important it is to listen and share our own creative journey with others in order to relieve and empower each other. We need to practice more empathy and solidarity.

8.What exciting episode in your upcoming series we will be looking forward to?

NN: We do have a number of guest(s)/collaborator(s) in our mind, from diverse backgrounds and places. Among them are an artist-curator, a Singaporean writer, paper artisan, furniture designer, art teacher and many more. We are always on the lookout for potential guest(s)/collaborator(s) so the list will grow as we go along.

9.Since the pandemic, people in the art industry have shifted gears to incorporate technology such as showcasing exhibitions on social media and websites and running online discussions via Zoom and Google Meet. For your case, how do you transcend your art with technology? How has technology benefited or hindered you in the creative process?

BQ: With practitioners that use their hand, traditional tools and variety of materials or components for making, the physical and tactile experience with their work and clients are still superior over online presence. However, we don't deny the limitations we faced today with the inability to meet or travel as freely we did before.

Social media and websites helped to boost our business presence whereas online discussion via Zoom & Google Meet allow the best of face-to-face, real-time conversation with audience or potential clients during this pandemic. With the right strategy, technology can assist hands-on practitioners to cast a wider net of clienteles and sustain their business in these hard times.

But personally, for small practices, it's a double edge sword. For instance, too much social media and time spent online takes away the spirit and time for creation and exploration. We as practitioners need to be in full presence, in the physical field or consciousness to develop our craft. Each practitioner needs to find their own balance in order to avoid tech anxiety which Nisa and I personally faced from time to time. No doubt about that.

10.What are your opinions about the craft industry adapting to modern aspects (such as science and technology) in Malaysia?

NN: Craft originally has never been separated from science and technology. Take ceramics for example, the craftsmen need to have a good understanding of the clay material and other minerals, which involve to some extent geological and chemistry knowledge. They need to know how to control and predict the firing, which requires extensive experimentations and a whole lot of trials and errors to be developed. It’s just that the knowledge was never formalized in writings and books but was passed down from generations through verbal communication. Craft was not something trivial, but accompanied with long time dedication and commitment to knowledge and learning. However today it feels like most of our crafts have lost that meaningful tradition and perhaps that could be one of the reasons why the general perception of craft is rather shallow and reductive. I hope we can revive that tradition again, that craft should be practiced alongside the pursuit of knowledge. That’s how we can bring meaning and value back into our craft practices.

11.In 5 years, what do you hope to see in the Malaysian craft scene?

BQ: I hope for the craft scene in the coming years to be more embolden to make our tradition relevant to the younger generation, to thrive together in a symbiotic ecosystem not based on driving away competition but rather on support and encouragement for one another. To not just celebrate the objects, art or tradition but also the very people, community and individual that is the 'heart' of the craft.

Today we see a lot of young craft practitioners are starting out and they are looking for the meanings and values to their particular crafts, us included. I hope to see more meaningful exploration of craft that is accompanied with the pursuit of knowledge, wherever the knowledge can come from; be it from nature, the wisdom of the past or the modern technological advancement and research. There is so much value and lesson in craft that we take for granted or are not aware of, and I hope to spread the joy and appreciation for craft, for simple things in life. Naturally, the preservation and appreciation of craft will continue on as we see more practitioners are dedicating their passion and commitment and most importantly, love into the craft that they are producing. People will notice, and they will become appreciative. It’s also important to see more of such stories being told out there so that the voices of the craftspeople, researchers and thinkers can be amplified to reach a wider public. There is strength in numbers, so I also hope to see more craft communities emerge where ideas and knowledge can be shared and discussed actively.

Check out the published article in Cendana website here.