#I can stop struggling with my mental health now that I’ll have the right meds again

[ofduskanddreams]

After 2 whole months having to go without it, I finally was able to get my adhd meds again y’all!!

(just in time for me to see FOB this weekend)

[pepprs]

hi, everyone. i hope you all are doing well. i’ve been meaning and wanting to check in here for many months but i have also been too afraid to. but i want to do it now because im potentially at a turning point and i want you all (especially close friends and mutuals who i haven’t talked to in a long time) to know what’s going on because unfortunately i do not have the strength to reach out individually right now, as much as i desperately want to.

when i left this place a year ago my depression was extremely bad. i didn’t know how long i was going to be gone or whether i was leaving for good, but i knew i needed to make some changes in my life before i could be here healthily again. well… 2024 has been a year of IMMENSE change for me! a lot of it has been for the good. i made some progress in my life by moving out, and i’ve had a lot of joy and healing in (very slowly) building a home for myself and figuring out what kind of life i want to live and how i want to live it. (im learning how to drive! i have string lights and stuffed animals and a wii! i am capable of solo travel!)

but… a lot of the changes that have happened this year have been for the worse. in almost every respect 2024 has been one of the most difficult and painful years of my life (and that is saying something!). this year a couple of traumatic things have happened to me and around me, and it has been extremely hard to live my life despite and beyond them. i have been dealing with physical and mental health issues that have greatly impacted my quality of life and make it unbearably difficult for me to get through every day. i am constantly running on negative spoons. one of the most damaging outcomes of this is that i have almost completely withdrawn from society both online and off and that is not an exaggeration. ive stopped talking to all of my friends and family except for people i see every day at work. i impulsively isolate myself when im in pain / distress despite knowing both emotionally and logically that it makes literally everything worse and i don’t know how to (and often can’t muster the mental strength to) work through the shame and grief and anxiety to seek connection and support. and im struggling to take care of myself including physically and its having severe consequences in every aspect of my life and in the lives of people who care about me. i live alone and i still think that was the good and right choice for me to make, but i am profoundly and agonizingly lonely. my depression was extremely bad when i left here, but i think despite everything it might be even worse now.

all of this is to say: this week i finally decided i can’t suffer like this anymore, and i began the process of seeking a formal diagnosis for my depression and other mental health issues and exploring additional treatment beyond talk therapy (most likely meds but there may be other things too / instead; still at the very beginning stages of figuring it all out). i am extremely anxious about many dimensions of this but also hopeful that it will help me hurt less because when i tell you at this point my brain and heart physically ache from depression like 85% of every day…. lol. im really hoping that once i get my mental / emotional pain under control i’ll be able to start tending to the parts of my life that have withered while ive suffered and repair the damage of my neglect as best i can. (which is to say… if you’re my friend and you’re reading this please know i love you and i miss you terribly and i am so sorry we haven’t spoken and i am so sorry im telling you this in a tumblr post you may not even read instead of a reply or a call back. i still love you and i want you to know it is not you specifically i am ghosting, its everyone. i am trying to build the strength and im scared i can’t but i hope i can.)

that said… i have decided i am not going to be coming back to this blog. i miss this place and the community i felt connected to here, but the way i was using this website as a public diary was extremely unhealthy, and as much as i miss it and still crave the instant comfort/validation i see clearly now with months of distance how damaging it was. (i truly cannot believe i was oversharing like that lol i am so private now (yes due largely to mental illness but still!)) i am so grateful to everyone who reassured me when i was struggling and celebrated my successes. this was the first place, online or off, where i (misguidedly but it’s true!) could actually be honest and candid about things happening in my life and my reactions to them instead of communicating it all through metaphors in my art and poetry, and it truly mattered that i had that experience here so that i could seek out more spaces like it in my offline life. i know i already said thank you in a previous update but really… thank you. 💗🫂

im not planning on deleting this blog. i may come back here and share updates like this one from time to time, but otherwise i will leave it as it is. but… i do want to get back to using a few of my fandom-centered sideblogs because looking at and compiling art of things i like is a low-energy thing that makes me happy! so you may see activity there every once in a while (tbh during this hiatus i have opened tumblr from time to time to look at art and save a bunch of posts that i wanted to reblog eventually lol). but… if i notice myself slipping back into bad habits i may private the sideblogs or abandon them completely.

i don’t know how to end this post. actually wait yes i do. one of my all time favorite artists is anna-laura sullivan (@/annalaura_art on instagram) and this is one of my all time favorite drawings of hers (so much so that i made it my lock screen so i can look at it every day!). this saying has brought me a lot of comfort and i hope it (and her other art) will bring you comfort too if you’re also in a dark place.

one more thing: not to be kind of a freak but in writing this post i discovered a longer version of my goodbye post from last year in my drafts. i don’t remember why i didn’t post it and obviously it’s outdated now but i want to share the draft because i went into more detail about tumblr having been helpful for me specifically when it comes to my mutuals + info / disclaimers about how to reach me and i want you guys to hear that in my past self’s voice lol! i put it under the cut if you want to read it!

2023 tess said it best: i hope you know how much it’s meant to me to be in your company. thank you for sharing and thank you for listening. i love you. happy [almost] new year. be well. good luck. shine bright. until we meet again ☕️🐈🫂💗

[cloudsandcrescents]

☁️ Current Life Update ☁️

Just wanted to provide an update here as I know I’ve gotten quiet again. Anyone who knows me personally knows I don’t make excuses and don’t like to procrastinate. I’m pretty organized and love sticking to a schedule. No one has accused me of being either and I know my personal life and health (mental and physical) take precedent but I’ve always been one who feels the need to explain things and share updates because I’ve gained a bit of a following and the last thing I want is for anyone to think I’m abandoning these works or just screwing around.

Again, I know, I know, I don’t have to justify this and you all are always supportive and understanding but I also believe in transparency and my own personal accountability. It’s a little lengthy but here we go.

Shortly after I posted my last posting schedule, I was supposed to be taking a few days off from work. I am very susceptible to burnout and could feel myself getting too in my head, struggling with remembering to eat, not getting enough sleep, etc. That very first day of my break we had a very unexpected family emergency and I was the only person who was able to help. I’m an introvert by nature and while I do love my family, I really enjoy my time to myself and I try to prioritize that alone time because it’s integral in helping me prevent burnout.

This sudden emergency brought a familiar but sudden change that I wasn’t prepared for and immediately lost all of my days of my mini break to having to socialize and extend more of myself that I didn’t have to give away. That shot my mood down tremendously and further exacerbated negative feelings and thoughts that I was hoping to get away from. I stopped eating entirely and was averaging a few hours of sleep and was immediately thrust back into working.

After some much needing venting and conversation with my RDN and my therapist, I started to gather myself back together. Writing was resuming and I didn’t feel great but I did feel a little more like myself. About a week ago I started feeling under the weather but brushed it off, took some medicine and tried to keep pushing through it. It didn’t work. Despite taking medicine and trying to rest and eat properly, I noticed I wasn’t getting better and was gradually getting worse. Finally decided to go to the doctor and found out that I have pneumonia so of course my measly meds weren’t working and got switched over to some antibiotics.

So that’s where we are currently. Mentally, I still feel a little off but I’ll get there and was able to schedule some more time off next week. I have been writing in between where I can but nowhere near as much as I would’ve liked. Today’s feels the best so far but even now I’m probably only about 40%.

Again, I know an explanation isn’t really owed but I don’t like leaving you all hanging without hearing something from me. It feels like every time I get back ahead of things, something gets in the way and it makes me feel worse because it seems like I’m doing more updates on why I’m not writing than updates on new chapters.

If you managed to sit here and read all of this, I applaud you and appreciate you for doing so. I’m hoping that whatever this horrible spell is that I’m going through right now ends swiftly. I love writing these stories and I love sharing them with you all and I really want to get back to it more than anything. Sorry for the long post but you all are amazing and deserve to know what’s going on.

Thank you,

Your Friend Cloud 🩵

[poppyknitt]

can’t stop thinking about how i’ve been so heavily brainwashed that all drugs are bad by the school system that i hear about someone taking medication and i jump to “how does it affect you” instead of “how does it help you”. i never express this openly but it genuinely upsets me that we as a society associate medication with bad things instead of what it should be — physical and mental aids. This also applies to weed and (microdoses of) ketamine. These are things that we know help some people with their minds, and yet they’re illegal and heavily stigmatized because they have other effects. And sure, ketamine IS dangerous, but that’s when you’re not microdosing it. We have studies going on RIGHT NOW that are showing that ketamine, when microdosed, is actually beneficial to depressed folks. Who knows what other benefits it could have? Hell, what benefits do other drugs have when microdosed? How can we use these things to actually help our society instead of detriment it by pushing them away? I just. I think about this sometimes because I wonder how the world would be if we actually tried to help our (much) less than fortunate folk.

(and before you ask ‘why don’t you start the research yourself’ i would if i could. But I have a handful of issues keeping me from taking even the first step into that field.)

Just. Stop to think about this, okay? Instead of treating addiction as a form of coping we need to help guide someone away from (and to a better form of coping hopefully), we treat it as a horrible disease we have to get rid of. But why can’t we just give these people access to the therapies they need in the places they need them in, instead of forcing these people to recover on their own? Money. We started all this shit for money, as far as I’m aware. Oh yeah, and racism, but I’m not going to dive into that because I’m white and I don’t have the right to speak on POC issues. So let’s stick to the topic of money: We (this is a hypothesis I have, I am basing this on my prior knowledge of the world) started forcing people to recover from their addictions alone because that generates money in the form of relapses, right? We (the people with power over this issue, really) can’t just let these individuals get better because we know that them struggling is going to get us more money. And sure, relapse is part of recovery, but in my experience with mental health issues, taking steps, leaps, or strides backwards because you don’t have the help you need is so much worse than taking steps, leaps, or strides backwards when you do have that help, because no one is able to help pull you out. It just seems incredibly horrible to me that we have these issues and yet we do nothing to fix them that actually works because we have taught ourselves that the issues are the fault of the people who have them and not the fault of the chemicals in their brain or whatever.

i don’t have insight on how this affects people with physical disabilities unfortunately but having seen my sister have to go off of weed for proper meds makes me feel a little upset for her because i can see that she’s not as relaxed, and she doesn’t even have a physical disability. so like sure weed probably can’t help your physical symptoms but surely it works to keep your mind off of things? I’ll ask my friends with physical disabilities about this.

If you can’t tell, I am pro-legalization. But not anti-regulation. I think these things should be prescription drugs. I think they need to be heavily regulated but legalized, so that people cannot lace and cannot mix things to make their drugs “better” and exacerbate the clients’ addictions. I think they should be pharmaceuticals. I think they need to be turned into something cheap but effective for the illnesses people are already treating with them, just knocked down on dosage so that they don’t cause addiction as quickly or as horribly. We shouldn’t treat it like we did opioids, of course, but we cannot treat it the way we’ve been treating it. Modern attitudes towards this subject are actively worsening addiction and worsening mental illnesses as a whole. Damage done to people suffering from addiction is damage done to all of us, and we need to remember that as a world. It’s no wonder we have so much going on in the minds of our youth, we keep shoving these horrible, ableist rhetorics down their throats so that when they do inevitably get one of the issues related to the rhetorics, they start to hate themselves for it when in reality they had no control over it.

[spaceumbredoggos]

TW abuse; suicide; self harm; mental health struggles

Will he ever fucking stop? Finally figured out how to block him. Just what I need right now. Does he think I’m stupid? This is love bombing. Thank god he only does this like once every few months. I swear if I get shit from the rest of my family on his side for blocking him, I’m blocking them too. I’m so fucking frustrated. He’s the reason why I hate myself for not speaking up about my mental health issues sooner.

Mental health update: I’m going to see my therapist today. I have concerns about DID. I have heard this voice in my head for I don’t know how long to be honest. I know it really started gaining traction after my mother abandoned me, but I didn’t know what it was or what was going on. It tells me to kill myself, and it tells me that I am worthless, that I’m a disappointment, and that I should just retaliate against everyone who has ever wronged me with either violence or cancelation campaigns on social media. I know it’s not my own voice because it is masculine and raspy, unlike my internal dialogue, which is my own gender neutral voice. I used to get these episodes when I was nine/ten where I would get extremely violent and I wouldn’t remember the cause or what I did. I tried to drown my uncle and I don’t even remember it happening, as well as I do remember skinning a snake alive, but I felt trapped in my own body as I was doing it. Like something was puppeting me. I get these episodes to a lesser degree now, and it’s more so when I pick at my skin. My hands sometimes move by themselves and scan my body for more imperfections to pick. I basically feel like I can do nothing to stop it as I have tried almost every strategy in the book from CBT to ABA. I feel so disconnected from my body at times that I have trouble recognizing that I need to use the bathroom or eat until I get severe hunger pangs and shakes and that I feel like I’m gonna shit or piss my pants. Mirrors are a huge trigger for me to try to feel somewhat connected to my body. It’s when I skin pick the most at the zits on my face. I feel trapped in my own body when I tear at the skin on my heels yet I just do it. Again, it gets really bad before my period hits.

I have learned how to mask so well that I don’t show that I am struggling, mostly because I am terrified of psych wards from severe CPTSD. I was on the phone with the suicide hotline and we came up with a safety plan, and then I was on the phone with Kaiser to schedules a psychiatrist appointment. What the nurse on the phone said stuck with me. That if I had a safety plan to prevent me from listening to the voices in my head, that I could go to the ER and not be involuntarily hospitalized and my meds could be adjusted. Still, I don’t know what the psychiatrist is gonna say. I have a hunch that I’ll be put on lithium, which makes me a little nervous because I did smear shit in the carpet when I was on that stuff, but that was a different time. I struggle with dissociation episodes where the voice is all I hear and I ignore it, particularly when I am in class and listening to instruction. That’s when the facial picking also starts.

I have been shamed by my therapists at my old behavioral health system for my skin picking. I always felt like I can’t help it and someone else is taking over to cause deliberate harm to my body. It’s like someone in my system wants to kill me in my own body. The problem with learning how to mask everything is that it’s so hard to know when to ask for help without fear. I was basically having a panic attack the entire time I was on the phone with the suicide hotline and Kaiser. My current living situation isn’t ideal, since I have a housemate who is an old man who refuses to seek treatment for his mental health issues and constantly triggers my CPTSD. Yet, I don’t know how disabled I am by all my mental health struggles because I never really had a chance to fail. I was always held to a certain standard by my parents that I always had to work or they would throw me outside.

I have tried a bunch of mindfulness techniques and grounding exercises, and at first they seem to work to quiet the voice. I try typing out what I am feeling (posting it on social media might not be the smartest thing, but I get so many positive messages from people telling me that things are gonna be okay and that I’m doing the right thing by seeking help and taking my medicine. I love all my moots dearly. You’re basically like the family I should have had. Not in a weird parasocial way like dream Stans, but more like someone I can turn to platonically and just dump all my heavy feelings. I may post this on r/DID for advice or r/Mentalhealth. I dunno. Reddit is a whole nother atmosphere when it comes to things such as this.) Typing things out and having positive responses is what helps me out the most, second to telling a trusted caregiver. I am afraid of age regression because of my loss of independence, and it’s not part of the CBT and DBT approach that I am used to. But I wonder if it will actually work. I don’t know if I am doing it correctly.

I know that I am possibly eligible for a service dog due to my disability. If it’s gotten to the point where I dissociate so badly I can’t function in school or possibly work, then I know that something is going wrong. The thing that puzzles me the most about what is going on with me is that I know it’s a voice that’s separate from my own, I know it’s not real, and I know I can ignore it to an extent. It doesn’t tell me to pick my skin, I just instinctively do it. I sometimes bite holes into the inside of my mouth as well and grind my teeth. I only just realized now that picking at my skin isn’t a stim behavior as I don’t feel any sensory release from it.

Anyways, thanks for checking in on me. I have a stable support system. I am looking for more options. I may post some of this story on Reddit just to get some armchair psychiatrists’ opinion on the subject. I don’t want to kill myself. I just want this voice to be gone.

[crawl-spaced]

The way I would google “how to smile like a popular girl” says everything really

“How to greet people” how to dress emo2005 how to dress normal 2024 how should I dress in my professional setting how should my hair makeup and nails be groomed why don’t people like me why don’t people smile back

How I still don’t know how to smile correctly

How to lose weight but only in targeted areas

How to enjoy sex

How to relax how to listen when spoken to how to understand what people mean how to do this what does that mean how to determine if

How I turn people off by simple mannerisms like a smile a laugh a greeting.

I fucking hate myself. I’m not equipped I’m not adept I’m not enough. I don’t have it in me. No amount of googling how to do things normal or correct will help. I’m just a fucking freak who can’t grow who will never be a fully functional person. I’m not right I’m not right

I still urge to search for the simple answers. Maybe if I look different maybe if I pitch my voice up maybe if I cover the important skin but show just a little so I look normal. Maybe if I wear different colors maybe I should wear more makeup maybe if I go on meds. I would need a lot of medication and strong drugs because none of them would work before why would it work now?

Maybe if I could change lots of these “little” things that signal to normal people how off I am.. maybe that will cover up my freakness enough and I’ll be successful at my job. Maybe if i was on lots of drugs I could become someone different. What if I made too many missteps and now I’m stuck like this, stuck in the life built up all around me. I don’t feel like I can google enough questions that sometimes have answers. Why do I always slip out of friendships. Why do I only feel important to one person. And he doesn’t even like me I just think he doesn’t want to be alone. Maybe him being alone is better for him than being stuck with a loser like me.

He wants me to pick roof tiling for the house. The house that will one day be ours. His. It will be his. Just like everything feels like it’s his. My job is his. My family is his. My belongings are his. My good is his. All of my energy and focus is being held hostage since 15 years old.

Do straight women enjoy sex

How to relax how to enjoy for play how to make yourself wet how to visualize being somewhere else how to bathe properly how many times a day is too many times to masterbate. What constitutes a porn addiction

How to stop having repetitive dreams

How to stop being depressed

How to fall asleep which is the best sleeping position to not have nightmares

How to deal with sensory overload

What career paths are good for autists

How long should heterosexual sex be from start to finish am I doing something wrong yes I’m always doing something wrong that I need to google and see what normal people believe to be correct

How to stop compulsions how to stop pulling your hair out how to I find that doesn’t involve drugs and alcohol

How to make female friends

How to maintain female friendships late 20s

How to prepare for people to try and take advantage of you

How do credit cards work

Why am I always so on edge

Why do I struggle to connect to my family

As if googling any of these has actually helped me

How to treat blood stains how to air out a room how to fix my family how to make sure the head of the tick didn’t stay embedded under skin How to train your pets how to train your hair to curl nicely how to fix a shattered family structure

How to improve mental health how to say no

How to say yes how to communicate with any higher beings is there a gif is there any proof that Jesus existed as a real human being

Would He reject me or do I still serve a purpose

Does my life have any worth

How to gauge if people like you

[lawliet-ryuzaki-ryuga]

Could i get hc's of L with a bipolar s/o?

Oh for sure you can!!! This is so interesting because lol I’m studying to be a psychologist so anything mental health related it up my ally! I’m going to be going based on what I’ve heard clients shared when I was shadowing a psychiatrist.

on THAT NOTE! if anyone you or anyone that you know who might be struggling with BP always reach our for some help! You’re not alone! I’m always here also! just shoot me a message on here If you ever need to talk! Maybe one day when i get my license i can better help all of you! Free session on Tumblr just give me 3 more years! But till then I’ll try to hear you out and give the best advice that I can if you need it!

1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or info@nami.org if you have any questions about bipolar disorder or finding support and resources.

--------------------

lol how I imagine L just sitting by your bed, watching you. 

-Let’s be honest, L although he analyzes everything and every word, he’s also very oblivious to what’s he’s looking at or dealing with.

-With how heightened your emotions are it might be overwhelming internally for L to be honest. He Will probably try to ignore it.. He hasn’t been exposed to heightened emotions besides the emotions he feels which is mostly suppressed.

- Gives you side stares while tilting his head, waiting for you to say something. 

- That being said if your emotions of excitement/happiness are heightened he wouldn’t match it back much. But if you’re feeling down, he’ll eventually snap out of his “ ignoring phase” and do his best to find a way to ease you into comfort.

- “Uh are you alright Y/N? Do you think if I ask Watari to bring you sweets you’ll feel better?”

“ I don’t know L.”

“ I’ll ask him to bring in sweets and if you change your mind it will be there.”

“ Okay..”

* proceeds asking Watari to bring other sweets that you like until you finally pick something up.” 

- Will have cameras set up everywhere to keep an eye on you.

-if you have a history of self-harm, he will baby proof everything! To make sure you’re always okay.

- Might even go to the extent of having Watari helping you shave as he watches you because let’s be honest he has never shaved. 

-Poor boy knows all about every disorder in the books, but doesn’t know how to act.

“ Y/N i I think you’re having an episode, you were happy yesterday, and now you’re not up for anything.. should i call your doctor?”

“ L no I’m fine.”

“ But-”

“ L that’s not what bipolar is, manifestations last for days to months.”

“ oh”

-He doesn’t take care of himself but he’ll be sure your meds are taken on time.

“ Watari did she take her meds on time?

“ yes L”

“ Both Haldol and Vraylar”

“ Yes”

“ okay” * turns to his monitor and goes over footage to make sure you took the meds.*

-if at any point you’re having a manic episode L has a whole plan. You have a healthcare provider on call at all times, a room for yourself, have anything and everything he’s come to learn that you like, he will bring.

-Will walk to your room and sits down while you lay in bed if you’re going through a depressive episode, and just look at you. He knows you enjoy  his company but you also enjoy the silence. 

- “You look nice today”

“ well I don’t feel great, I don’t want to go out.”

“ It will do you Good Y/N.”

“ L stop it, i don’t want to go, I don’t want to go out.”

“ If you get to force me to go out sometimes, then i have the right to take you out.”

“ L it’s not the same, I physically and mentally can’t right now.”

“ I know Y/N/N but just a 5 minute walk to get you some sunlight.”

“ Can we get some Dirty boba while we walk?”

“ Of course, you deserve it.”

- When walking around, if ay any point you just want to go back and stay in your bed. L will turn both of you back to HQ. Will get you blankets to have in the office just so you can be around people and stay in current time and reality.

-L would have over a billion tabs open on his computer as he looks up every type of recent research available so he has a better understanding of the statistics. 

[galactic-magick]

Mental Health Needs: Julian Bashir x Reader

Summary: Julian gives you assurance as you adjust to anxiety and depression medication.

Words: 600+

Author’s Notes: This is a very self indulgent fic haha. I recently started meds irl and the first week I felt like absolute shit so this is based on that. Thankfully I’m feeling much better now though and my panic attacks have almost completely stopped :)

-

-

-

There’s certainly benefits to the chief medical officer being your boyfriend.

You can ask him any question, and he’s always happy to answer. You’ve asked him many times if he finds the questions annoying, but he always assures you he enjoys explaining biological processes to you, and helping you in any way he can. He loves his work, and he loves you, so the two pair quite nicely.

But for some reason, you’re still hesitant to ask him about your latest problem.

The trouble is, you’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression your entire life, and you finally agreed to try medication for it. You’ve resisted it for years, telling yourself “you don’t need it” and trying to cope with the symptoms on your own. But Julian finally convinced you to give it a try, after witnessing multiple of your panic attacks and depressive episodes. He couldn’t bear to see you suffer so badly anymore, and honestly you didn’t want to feel like that anymore either.

Yet the problem is far from solved. The side effects of the medication have been making you feel terrible. You feel super sick all the time, and all you want to do is sleep. You don’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him it’s not working, but you can’t keep going like this.

You enter the Infirmary, relieved to see that no one else besides Julian is in there currently. He’s logging some things into the computer when he sees you.

“Oh hello darling, come to visit me at work?” he grins at you.

“Actually I’m here for medical reasons,”

His smile fades and his eyes widen, rushing over to you with a tricorder, “What’s wrong?”

You sigh, “I’ve just been feeling so awful since I’ve been on these meds. I’m tired all the time no matter how much I sleep and take naps and I just feel like a zombie. I’m also nauseous and have no appetite at all, literally nothing the replicator can make appeals to me-”

He pulls you into a tight hug, cutting you off as your face squishes into him, “Oh, honey,”

“Well what do I do?” you mumble.

He brings you over to one of the beds and sits down on the edge with you. “Well first of all, unfortunately, those side effects are very normal. It takes at least a week or two for your body to adjust to the drug and take full therapeutic effect,”

“I guess so, but are the positives in the long run really going to outweigh how I feel right now?”

“For many people yes, they usually do. But if for whatever reason these side effects are still not going away after a while, I can prescribe you a different medication and we can keep trying different ones until we find one that works for you. A lot of people need to go through trial and error to find the right one,”

“Really?”

“Yes, darling. It’s really no trouble. Mental health is just as important as physical health, we’ve known that for centuries now. We’ll do everything we can until you feel better,”

You smile, “Thank you, Julian. But what about all my duties to next couple weeks? I’ve felt so sick I’ve barely gotten my job done-”

“I’ve already told Commander Sisko that you should be relieved from duty if you feel it necessary,”

“But-”

“No buts. Doctor’s orders,” he kisses your forehead. “Now, how about you go back to your quarters and rest. I have a couple more appointments today but after that I’ll come join you,”

“Okay,” you nod, wrapping your arms around him one more time.

“One benefit to you being more sleepy is you’ll be more cuddly,” he smirks.

“Julian!” you nudge him teasingly. “If you wanted more cuddles you didn’t have to give me drugs that are basically sedating me, you could’ve just asked,”

“You’re hilarious,” he laughs. “Now shoo, I’ll see you soon.”

-

Requests Status: I am currently not taking requests right now because finals are coming up for me, I’m just writing a couple short fics while I’m on Thanksgiving break. Once my semester is done and I’m on winter break I’ll probably start taking Star Trek requests though! Stay tuned :)

[a-lil-perspective]

70 Encouragements/Tips For The Writer:

A/N: Rules don’t exist. These are real and personal and stem from a deteriorating, exhausted Writer who is here to tell you (and herself) that you are amazing and keep going. I hope you find some encouragement within.

Your mental health comes first and foremost.

Indulge and embrace your creative writing pieces when they come (and when they don’t). Especially when they don’t.

Suffering from Writer’s Block or fluctuating hyperfixation? Me too. So is your favorite author. Welcome to the Writer’s Block Party (all my uwus if you see the pun).

Did you spend five hours on this one segment, forget the last time you ate, develop chapped lips, dry eyes, and a stiff back (time to get up and move), bang your head on the wall, laugh, cry, fidget, take your ADHD meds, deviate to watch YouTube, have an epiphany, curse in frustration and wonder why the hell you do this to yourself? Congratulations, you’re a Writer.

Embrace all the not-so-glamorous sides of writing, and accept the fact they’re going to happen time over again.

When you say “just one more line” and it’s 2:00 AM, I’ll be here to remind you to “go to sleep” (because I’m also depriving myself lol).

Actually, sleeping helps your mind feel refreshed, and it’s good for your health. If you’re struggling with a particular segment, one of the best things you can do is just put a cap on it for the time being, put in a placeholder, and get some shut eye. I know you don’t want to. But you will feel so much better and have more clarity and energy to continue when you wake. Trust me.

More often than not, those words you “just didn’t write down fast enough and now forgot” end up revealing themselves to you later in a much more profound way. Give the words time to get ready. They’re just spiffing up before coming to visit. :)

Be proud of yourself and your prose. Writing is an amazing part of who you are.

That trope has been written 1000 times before? Make it 1001.

You’ve already written this scenario? Write it again.

You’ve just written a single sentence. Now sit back for moment and think: you just wrote something brand new, never before seen. Nobody out there will ever write that sentence or formulate those thoughts the exact same way. You are a unique, mind-blowing, awe-inspiring human being.

Bask in the excitement that comes with a completed piece. Reflect on what you learned throughout and celebrate the little victories.

Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback, but also understand that you might not always get it, and that is OK.

Please re-read your work. Be gentle with yourself. You had to write that very first piece to get to where you are now. Love the process.

Your personal writing success is not based off of kudos or likes or reblogs.

There is no right or wrong way to write.

There is no such thing as “good” writing.

Improvement is becoming of everyone so get comfy, strap in. The journey of a Writer is a lifelong one. Here’s to many more works ahead.

Don’t mourn the words you did or didn’t write. Celebrate the ones you will.

One day, you’ll read a piece that will blow you away—and it will be yours.

There is nothing “shameful” about reblogging your own writing works.

I promise you’ll find your “wow” piece—either in something you’ve already written, or something yet to come.

Baby. Please don’t write out of spite. You’re better than that.

You are just as valid/deserving as the next Writer. And you do belong.

If you feel sad/unworthy when sharing your works or interacting with others’, get to the root of why. Writing should be fun, rewarding, and relaxing. Not shameful, embarrassing, or a chore.

Writing (fanfiction, specifically) is labeled as “transformative works”. Self-explanatory, right? However, if you notice the transformative part begin to have a personal effect on you—a negative one—it’s time to take a step back.

Right now, I can name a single quality you possess: diligence. How do I know? Because you’re a Writer, and the two go hand-in-hand.

Got that single scene in your head but you haven’t completed or even began all the chapters preceding? Bruh. Jot that down right now. You don’t need 20k words beforehand.

Embrace your writing mood swings. The stray, sweet and condensed blurbie. The ideal, bridging drabble. The solid, substantial oneshot. The hefty, elaborate 10k word chapter. Appreciate everything in-between, and that you are capable of all of it.

Nobody remembers that extra word or typo or stray speech mark back all the way back in chapter 3. Tell the little monster in your head to go to hell.

You’re not a weirdo for making facial expressions and mulling through your dialogue aloud. You. Are. A. Writer.

It’s OK if the Readers can’t always see exactly what you envisioned in your head, or the full extent of the picture you painted. We all see colors differently.

Don’t be afraid to experiment with your writing.

In fact, challenge yourself to dabble into a new plot/trope/concept every day, even if only for a few minutes. You may discover you love writing it.

There’s no rush to finish/begin any written work. If you take your time, you will make your mark. You’re not falling behind or running late. Slow down and wait for it. :)

Three cheers for hiatus.

Listen to your body and mind, know your limits and when it’s time to take a break.

Actually take a break. :)

If you feel like you’re falling stagnant in creativity, looking to/revisiting other forms of creative media can help encourage the flow.

Ask for encouragement, and be at peace with asking.

Take shelter in fellow writers. Uplift each other always.

You are/will be someone’s favorite author. :)

You don’t have anything to prove. You have something to share.

Someone is thinking about your work right now.

Someone started a series because they drew inspiration from you.

Personal writing style can reflect a lot on the state of one’s mental health. Try to always be attentive to that of your own.

Self-validation must be cultivated early on or nothing will ever work.

Freestyle every once in a while. Write a snippet, timed, and go—without editing. Write the first thing that comes to mind and go from there. Do it all the way through the set time. When it stops, you’ll find yourself unable to. 3,800 words here we come. :)

Not everything needs an outline. :)

It is completely normal to write your story out of order.

Create guidelines for yourself. If they aren’t working, toss ‘em.

Word vomiting can help you feel better (it’s just how it sounds). By clearing all those jumbled thoughts and scattered concepts, you achieve a clearer objective. Try it sometime.

A rough draft is supposed to be rough.

Sometimes the words come to you quicker than others. Be patient. That is merely the construct of a Writer’s mind. You’re a beautiful enigma.

A sentence written is a story progressing.

Writing is an endurance sport. You must pace yourself and exercise it daily.

You are still a Writer even when the words aren’t on the actual page.

You’re not obligated to a writing/posting schedule.

As you progress in your journey and gain more awareness, don’t sacrifice your style. Those beginning works are what define you. Hold onto them and don’t ever let them go.

You’re the only one cringing—

Remember that sometimes words are elusive and you don’t always have control over them, and that is OK. Sometimes they write themselves. Sometimes your characters come to life and break out into dance across your page. Dance with them. You can wrangle them back when the music stops. :)

There is nothing condemning or embarrassing about asking for a beta. Allow someone to help carry the load.

Allow people to cheer you on—even if they don’t read your work.

It’s OK if your writing style isn’t someone else’s preference.

Be your biggest cheerleader. Sometimes you are all you have.

You don’t need anyone’s approval except your own.

You love that trope/concept/story you just wrote? That’s all that matters. The end.

You will never write good. You will write you. And that is good.

Above all else: remember to write for you.🤍

[caspersgraveyard]

So I found something I wrote years ago and just never published because I felt afraid of putting it out in the world. It's coming from an extremely low point in my life, not the lowest, but far before I'd gotten any help.

Right now, I've gone to therapy, I've taken my meds, and I'm doing a lot, lot better on the whole, but I do think a lot of people might see themselves in this so I figured I'd put it out there.

It's time, and I'm no longer afraid.

TW: mental health.

I want you to imagine a couple of things. Imagine that static noise that old TVs used to make when they didn’t receive a signal. Focus on that irksome, buzzing noise. If you can, try to translate the criss-cross of the grey pattern into a sound and add that too. Now amplify these noises hundred-fold and push the resulting annoyance to the back of your brain.

Next, think of the craters on the moon, and how desolate and empty they are. How they are devoid of even the basic components of life that we take for granted here on earth. Now imagine loads of these inside yourself.

Now we’re going to take your guts — your intestines, your liver, and the likes — and tie them up end-to-end, as if they were individual pieces of string. Now take the resulting string and tangle it up, much like earphones seem to do on their own and stuff the resultant back in.

Imagine these three things happening over and over again, non-stop, each iteration worse than the previous one. That’s what it’s like to always be on the brink of a mental breakdown.

I’ve always been rather conservative about my mental issues, never really confiding in more than a handful of people. Even that handful I rolled out slowly, from time to time, after assessing how close I was to each one and whether or not I deemed it okay to talk to them about these things. I thought I was just being an unnecessary burden on them, and so took a while to open up to each individual. It also felt like these were very personal struggles and so no one but my closest friends and family should know about them. But, I recently read articles by Melissa Hopper and Gillian Sisley in which they talk about their own mental illnesses, which lead to me think that maybe it was my time to share my story too and that opening up further might just not be a terrible thing.

One thing I should probably clear up right from the start is that I’m far from a professional — I’m just someone who has some measure of experience with these things and thought that sharing it may make others feel better about their own circumstances. I’m also not going to bother giving you possible ways to deal with these kinds of things since a, there are loads of other articles/other sources that will guide you better, and b, everyone has their own coping mechanisms and what works for one person may not for another.

Since I’ve never actually been to a therapist or a psychiatrist, I’ve never officially been diagnosed with a mental illness, but I know I have anxiety. I think I’ve known since a very long time, but I’ve only recently chosen to acknowledge and work on it. There are days when it gets really bad, just as there are days when it’s nothing more than an incessant nagging in the back of my mind. On the bad days, I can’t stand to be around other people (both because conversation is now physically taxing, and because I get irritable and so am worried I’d lash out at someone and say something I’ll end up regretting later on) and have a deep disinterest in everything around me (even if it’s something that I’d otherwise submerge myself in).

But it never seemed to push past the border, to tip over the edge. It never prevented me from going about daily life, from functioning as a normal human being — even if it is just the bare minimum. Admittedly, I’ve even tried forcing it sometimes. I’ve tried dwelling on every shitty thing I could possibly think of, tried pushing myself to, and over, the brink to the point of complete and utter meltdown. But never could.

I didn’t do these things because I enjoy being sad or feeling like shit. I did these because I thought it would finally allow people to take my shit seriously. That’s the biggest problem with being on the border — people don’t take you and your problems seriously. There’s always someone — perhaps even someone you know — who has it worse than you, as a result of which your problems are treated as less than or less deserving of help and attention. My own family has minimised my problems from time to time and therapy doesn’t seem to be an option available to me because I “can just talk to [them]”.

The above directly bleeds into my next point — you don’t get the help you need. Because people think your problems aren’t valid, they don’t think you require professional (or any sort of) help. And when you’re in a position such that the most therapeutic thing you can do is open up to thousands, if not millions, on an open platform where anyone can say anything, things can’t exactly be expected to go well. This is made worse when you look at people who’ve got it worse than you and think,

“You know what? Maybe I don’t need any help. After all, they’ve got it so much worse than me and therefore they need help. If it ever gets that bad, I’ll get help. I can put it off till then.”

But the truth is, we’re all fighting our own battles, and we’re all bound to need a little assistance now and again. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. No one’s problems deserve to be minimised, no matter how small they are. What may be a mole hole for one person could be a mountain for the next.

Every now and again, being on the border may make you feel like you’re faking too. This is something I’ve personally wrestled with more times than I’m comfortable with and I know some of my friends have too. I’ve felt like I induce my own panic attacks and exaggerate everything in my mind to the point that I think of it being much worse than it actually is. And because I have no actual authority to falsify this for me, the feeling keeps getting worse and keeps worsening at the same time.

The other problem with being on the brink is the mass relatability: you can identify with the experiences of both the ones that it only affects to a small extent, as well as those that are in deep. On some level, this helps you identify with others more and may give you a greater sense of belonging, but, at least for me, it also diminishes your problems, making them something everyone seems to be dealing with. And your problems being diminished, being minimised, is one of the worst things that could happen, and severely hampers your ability to feel better.

In the end, I’ll leave you with this — it gets better. The noise lulls, the craters become shallower and less populous, the strings become less entangled. In the meantime, remember that even though everyone goes through their own shit, no one has the right to make you feel like your shit doesn’t matter.

tip jar 💜☕

[hoodievixen]

Find my Way Back to You - The Umbrella Academy [Part 8]

The Hargreeves never expected the teen declaring the end of the world to become someone close. But leave it up to Ryn, who can see the future, to find their way into the weird dynamic of the Hargreeves siblings. Though there are many things that don't seem right about them. Some could be chalked up to her powers, others, no one would ever believe on someone's word alone. And she knew that.

Five x OC (Romantic)

Vanya/Viktor & OC (Platonic)

Klaus & OC (Platonic)

------------

Notes: The weird predicament of Five's physical age vs. mental age will be addressed. Can't explain, cause it's a large part of the story (and spoilers). IT IS NOT PEDOPHILIA! not to mention both Ryn and five are asexuals (sex-repulsed and never got to figure it out respectively) so there will be no devil's tango.

I will be referring to Viktor as Vanya and with she/her pronouns for what is season 1 and season 2. I do not want to take away that part of the character, and want the transition to be included. I believe removing that and referring to him as Viktor from the start is ignoring the struggle he went through. (Nothing against people who use Viktor and he/him pronouns in fanfics that would be during s1/s2. This is just my own opinion)

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Series Warnings: themes of trauma and mental health, mentions of suicide, cannon typical violence, mentions of blood, mentions of injuries, alcohol consumption, drugs, toxic relationships (in reference not practice), questionable morals, swearing, gaslighting, manipulation

Chapter Warnings: mentions of blood and injuries, mentions of alcohol

Word Count: ~1.6k

Master List

"Good morning," Ryn greeted Vanya as she cam out of her room. "Since last time you were against me buying you breakfast as a thanks for letting me stay over, I made you breakfast." They dramatically gestured to the table where their was a plate of toast and scrambled eggs. "And coffee," Ryn handed the mug right to Vanya.

"Ryn..." Vanya sighed.

She didn't get much further. "Nope, all you're food, just my labor. I'm not even great at cooking, I'm just glad I didn't burn anything."

Vanya softly laughed, "Thanks." She went over to sit down. Ryn leaned against the counter, with her own toast and cup of coffee. "I have a rehearsal, so I have to head out soon."

"I'll walk with yah," Ryn said, "I don't have much going on today, and need to do something."

"I guess I won't stop you," Vanya shrugged.

Ryn smirked, "More like can't stop me."

Vanya shook her head. "There's a bottle of meds in the medicine cabinet, could you go grab it for me?"

"Sure," Ryn agreed, heading to the bathroom, drinking from their mug.

"Hey," they called out, "What is this for? If you don't mind me asking." They sat the large orange bottle on the table.

"It's for my nerves," Vanya answered, "I've been taking it since I was little."

Ryn perked up, and pulled out her own two medicine bottles from her large body bag. "Oh, what do you take? Currently I'm on bupropion and sertraline, though I have been on fluoxetine and trazadone before."

Vanya looked at them like they were crazy. Ryn scoffed, "Yeah, now see what I said is weird. But like my friends and family commonly share what meds they are one. Sorta helps, cause if it works for them, might work for me."

Vanya looked to the label on the bottle. "It says it's Xanax," she answered with a shrug.

Ryn raised an eyebrow. "Dude, that's a sedative," they pointed out. "What I know people get that for is if they are terrified on planes and need something to calm them down." Ryn sat down near Vanya. "When did you start taking it?"

She was shocked by the revelation, not sure what to think of it. "I've been taking them for what is basically my entire life... Dad made me take them."

Ryn quirked an eyebrow and leaned back into the chair. "Why would he want you sedated?" they wondered out loud. "What if you top taking them for a while, see what it dose?"

"I don't know," Vanya confessed.

"It's up to you," Ryn pointed out, "Don't you want to know why though?"

-------------

"...then I just fell, had this huge bruise on my arm for like a month," Ryn finished up telling a story as they were walking up to the theater.

"That reminds me of this one time," Vanya started, a slight laugh in her voice. " Dad was off on a business trip so we were all playing hide-and-seek..."

"Hey there stranger," the man said as he walked up to the two. "Who's this with ya?"

"Oh, hi Leonard," Vanya greeted looking between those two. "Leonard, this is Ryn. Ryn, this is Leonard, but you knew that already."

"Are they one of your siblings?" he asked, staring at Ryn. Though Ryn was staring back at him.

Vanya laughed at the thought. "No, Ryn's a … friend." While she hadn't been sure what their relationship was, she was happy with a friend like Ryn. "What are you doing here?" Vanya wondered.

"I just wanted to see you," Leonard answered, smiling toward Vanya.

Ryn crossed their arm, and gaze turned skeptical. "How did you know they'd be here?"

"Well..." he was taken back by the question. "She mentioned she was doing a show."

Ryn looked to Vanya, "Did you? Did you say where? Or when rehearsals were?"

Vanya shrugged, "I might have."

Ryn turned their gaze back to Leonard. "It's sorta creepy that you just showed up. Like sorta stalker-ish."

"I think it's sweet," Vanya confessed.

Ryn let out a sigh. "Just..." They looked frustrated with figuring out what to say. "Stay safe," she decided. "I should head out, gotta change my shirt." She jokingly waved her arm, where the sleeve had been ripped off."

-------------

Eudora had been waiting for Diego for twenty minuets. While she wasn't done waiting yet, there was something else she noticed. The teen in the parking lot. They were dressed commonly, a pair of jean and a sweatshirt. However it was the platinum blood hair that caught her attention. It was also easy to keep track of, and not once had they entered a room, just sitting on a bench, glancing between a blue car and a room door. The two made eye contact. The teen smiled and waved.

Confused, the detective went to see what was going on. "Can I sit with you?" she asked the teen nicely.

"Sure," they agreed. "I'm Ryn," she easily said, "I know Diego."

Detective Patch looked to her, skeptical. She knew of all his siblings, and Ryn definitely wasn't one of them. Diego also didn't have friends. But there were some things about Diego she did not know. "Did he send you?"

The teen leaned back crossing their arms. "No," the sighed, " I came on my own. However it's not likely he's going to come, there's a lot of family drama going on at the moment." Again glanced at the second story door.

Eudora didn't see anything strange. "They are in there," Ryn told her. "The two you're looking for."

"I know," the detective responded, "That's why I called Diego."

"I could help," Ryn offered. Eudora wasn't sure. They looked normal, but they also knew Diego. He didn't know anyone normal. Nor would a smart kid offer to help with something that dangerous.

"Let's wait a little longer..." the detective decided.

Ryn stood up, "Alright," they agreed. Still they walked off and went up the stairs. From where Eudora sat she could not see where the teen went.

---------------

Eudora had one of them on his knees and hands behind his head. She never heard the second one come from behind. It wasn't until the loud buzzing noise followed by a thud. The woman's gun still went off, going into the detective's shoulder. She glanced back to find Ryn already running off, jumping over the unconscious assassin. No normal teaser should be able of making someone pass out.

Eudora knew she was no longer able to handle the situation and left, running as to not give the other enough time to grab their gun. As she got to the lobby of the motel there were already two figures running for. At lease the two of them got out, and she was quick to follow them, calling for back up.

-------------------------------------------

"Corine!" he called out. It was almost dark, and they hadn't come back from the farm yet. They were always back in time with enough light to make dinner by. They had quickly swore off him making any food, after he burned quite a few meals. Still with the light fading away, they were no where to be seen. He could only fear the worst.

He was only one block away from the park they had cultivated into farm land. He called out to them one more time. "Over here!" they called out, pain in their voice. He was at their side in a blink. They were sitting on the ground, holding their leg in pain.

He kneeled down, taking a look at their leg. "What happened?" he asked, see how their ankle was swollen.

"I fell," they answered, hissing in pain. "I think I broke it."

he gave them a disapproving glare. "I told you to stop walking on top of the debris, and this is exactly why," he scolded them.

"I get it," they hissed, "can you please help me back." They had their hands outstretched to be pulled up onto their good foot.

Instead he picked them right up. "Maybe you should start eating more," he joked.

"Hey, food is limited, I eat enough to maintain  healthy weight," they reminded him. "It not my fault we do a  lot of physical activity and you're strong enough to carry me."

He smiled, "You know I was just joking." He placed a soft kiss on their forehead. It was still amusing to see their reactions to being teased. For someone who teases him so much, they sure don't like it."

Once they were back he sat them down on one of their seats, going to get something to wrap their ankle. He sat down before them, taking their foot into his lap. He gently slipped off their shoe as the bit down, fearing any pain coming. "Where exactly dose it hurt?"

"The outside, up to about mid calf," the answered. He pushed against their foot, as if they were stepping on it and they let out a hiss. "And when you do that."

"I think you'll need to stay off it for a couple weeks," he told them. "In case it is broken we should go with six, make sure it heals fully." He was already warping torn up strips of clothing around the foot.

"What about..." they started.

"I'll take care of it," he assured them, "You've been taking care of everything for 16 years. I think I can take care of six weeks."

"But..."

"No," he said sternly. "It's either six weeks, or forever. The choice is yours."

They looked up at them, pain in their eyes. "Can I at least still cook, I fear what will happen if I leave that to you."

He laughed. "I'll allow it."

"Yey" they said childishly. They held open their arms. "Now can I have a hug, I'm in a lot of pain."

"Of course," he assured them, holding them tightly. "I don't think I can ever let you out of my sight again after this."

[my-wayward-son]

Soooo… Um. It’s bad.

BPII is a common comorbidity with autism, and the whole diagnosis of BPII was coined (separated from BPI) because the depression end is stronger and the manic end is more like super anxiety. I know this. I’ve known this for a long time.

I have chronic migraine disease and severe gastroparesis/adult FTT. I know this too.

My labs still haven’t recovered completely from the colectomy and subsequent stint on TPN; my H&H is chronically low and my ferritin is shit. Fatigue is is a problem. Like, majorly.

It never fails to catch me off guard, though, when things really take a turn for the worse, especially all at the same time. Lack of interest in things I usually enjoy keeps washing over me. Like, all the time.

Let me explain.

I haven’t seen the new Spider-Man trailer. I haven’t seen What If. I haven’t seen Shang Chi (though that’s also due to fear of the delta variant and crowded theaters). I need 4 (count that, 4) doses of sleep med to put me down for the night, and I still roll all over the bed and listen to Buzzfeed Unsolved I’ve already seen and get barely any REM. All I want to do is ballet, then I get frustrated that I can’t remember combinations easily, but that’s because of the (faulty) migraine and psych meds I’m currently on. I’ve been having sick stomach a la pre-colectomy if I take in anything but clear liquids by mouth. I haven’t combed my hair or put in my hearing aids in about a week.

The list goes on, but I don’t want to bore you. Or sound too complainey. I feel pathetic and like I’m being an attention whore by putting it all out there, but, as DD has told me, at least I have words. A couple of weeks ago I felt so low that I could barely express what was wrong. Now I’ve been to a couple doctors appointments, switched a few meds, and have enough presence of mind to know that everything is seriously fucked up.

The SSRI I’m on is absolutely not agreeing with me, and my sleep med is obviously not doing its job. My psychiatrist is working on coming up with a new med cocktail, though we’ve only been able to talk via email so far.

I’ve pretty much eschewed my migraine steroid pack because it’s keeping me from being able to think, but the headache is… impressive. If my mental health/drive were in order, maybe I’d call the pain functional, but right now it’s edging back up toward status. I take pain meds ranging from ibuprofen to RX injectables at random intervals when I feel especially bad. Intensity ranges from dull throb to skull-splitting, going to vomit.

I know most meds have headaches as a side effect, which sucks fucking rocks because that makes it impossible to tell how much I actually hurt and what’s amplified by my new meds. Not all of them are bad (we think), so it’s kind of a waiting game to see if my body “gets used” to the formulation.

I have neurology in two days, so I guess we’ll be able to discuss the headaches then, however it’ll be hard to ensure any med changes are appropriate when my psychiatrist is still working on a new batch for mood stabilization. I’m nervous and frustrated in advance.

There are so many things I want/need to do, like catching up on short fics in my inbox and doing this month’s Artsnacks challenge. I’m basically living day-to-day right now, and I’m lucky if I get all my daily household and self-care tasks done. I keep wanting to do fun activities with the kids, too, but time gets away from me. It winds up taking 10 years to fold the laundry, and all the sudden it’s time to get ready for bed, and I did nothing all day.

I hope to all gods above and below that everything will be worked out before Inktober/Whumptober, because I really want to commit to completion for both. We’re going on vacation for the first week of October, and I plan to focus my non-beach time on art and writing work. I’m all planned out (was able to do that before the depression hit so badly), but I’m currently doubting my abilities. I also plan to slide back into working on Keeping Safe, so I can take it back on for NaNo. That’s something that will take some commitment and discipline. I want so badly for it to work out. I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t, and I know it’ll be a hit to my self-confidence. A few years ago I wrote a whole 70k book in just 28 days, and now I’m struggling to pop out shorts…

Anyway. I’ll stop talking now. I hope this doesn’t read as overly dramatic or like I’m begging for sympathy. I’m not. I’m trying to be real and maybe explain why my presence has been spotty lately. All I want is for things to get better.

[erekiosuncreativeideas]

Being Human - Chapter 19

<= Chapter 18

Summary : The group goes back to Subcon... And discovers a terrible sight. Also available on AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/24826561/chapters/71797488

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HELLO GUYS, NEW CHAPTER, WOOHOOOO

I'm so so so sorry for the delay. I've had quite the writer block, and uh my mental health wasn't so great either (it still isn't but my meds are working better)... Now I'm feeling better, and I finally managed to finish that chapter I've been stuck on for a while. I hope you'll like it !

Thank you everyone for your lovely comments, they bring such joy to me, you have no idea. Thank you so much. I know I take some time replying to them, but I do read them as soon as I receive them. They really mean a lot to me.

Anyway... Happy reading, I hope you'll like this chapter ! I tried putting more descriptions, hopefully this improved my writing style !

The “Oh The Humanity” AU belongs to @doodledrawsthings​​ !

Happy reading !

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Chapter 19 - “Send me back there!”  

Snatcher didn’t want to believe it. It was the materialization of his nightmares, of all he had started to fear the very instant he was back in his old body- This couldn’t be happening, no, not this way!

And yet, here it was, right in front of his eyes. The moment he saw that white stain slowly progressing through his territory, his heart had stopped beating, the air got stuck in his throat… And it was like a bucket of icy water had been thrown on his now trembling shoulders. He was not ready for any of this to happen.

This was the worst-case scenario.

Suddenly, memories of what had become of Subcon after he managed to flee the manor came back to him, blinding him from how intense they were. Visions of frozen corpses, dwellers stuck into ice forever and killed for a second time, all souls drained away from a village that was once so full of life, a wave of cold and death transforming Subcon Village and Subcon Forest into forgotten places, devastated places.

And now, his minions and other dwellers were in danger again, at the mercy of what was left of a crazy Queen- one he hadn’t had the courage to kill when he could have done so. Fear had always paralyzed him, the thought of facing Her again, after all these years, after everything that had happened, after everything he had been forced to go through… He couldn’t, he just couldn’t imagine that!

But despite this… Snatcher still had a kingdom to save- his kingdom and all of its undead inhabitants. And so, without hesitation but still with a deadly pale face, the man turned to the little girls, an expression of panic clearly visible on his features:

-“Send me back there!” he yelled at them, urging them to help him to save Subcon. Without thinking much either, the kids nodded with determination and dashed into different directions, most likely to bring weapons and such with them. The bow-wearing child ran to the machine room while the hatted brat ran to her bedroom. The young man glanced back at Moonjumper next to him, whose eyes were still fixed on the white stains representative of Vanessa’s intrusion in Subcon.

-“Hey!” he called out to his counterpart -this wasn’t the time to be stuck in thoughts!-, quickly catching the other’s attention. Soon, two very panicked eyes settled on him, and Snatcher couldn’t really blame him.

He was rather terrified, himself.

-“Can you fight?” he asked the one who had stolen his corpse, despite already knowing the answer. He had witnessed the corpse’s powers and how devastating they could be- Moonjumper had even destroyed some part of his forest at some point! But still… He had to make sure. Against a strong and unpredictable opponent such as Vanessa, they couldn’t allow themselves to take any risks… And anyone ready to fight her was more than welcome.

Unsurprisingly, the corpse paled even more than what he already was, his eyes widening in terror and his mouth gaping as he struggled to find an answer. But then again… The young man was scared to death too. Ha.

Not the time for puns.

-“I…” Moonjumper gulped down saliva he didn’t even need, looking away : “Yes,” he answered, his tone trembling and hesitant : “Yes, I… I can.”

-“Will you?” wondered Snatcher with a lower tone, directly addressing how scared the corpse seemed to be at the idea of facing Vanessa. He… Was giving him a choice, sort of. He knew the time was not for choices, but… He knew what it was like to be pushed into fighting when one wasn’t ready for it. It was exactly what his counterpart had done when it came to relearning how to summon his fire.

And Snatcher didn’t want to do that himself.

Moonjumper seemed to catch this and guilt crossed his features, frowning as he looked away once more. Eventually, not saying another word… Moonjumper nodded. Fear was still very much visible on his face and from his body language… But he seemed more determined than before, as if Snatcher’s questions had made him realize something.

-“This is my home too,” said the other, gravely: “I’ll do what it takes to protect it. You can count on me.”

The young man nodded, a wave of relief hitting him. The thought of facing Vanessa was not an easy one… But knowing he wouldn’t be alone made the whole thing less… Unbearable, somehow. At least, they had more chances than if he had gone there alone.

Just as he finished this train of thoughts, the little girls came back running, both carrying things with them. The hatted brat was the first one to reach them, holding her own blue umbrella and the other’s pink umbrella… As well as a baseball bat, which she handed to him.

-“You’ll need this,” she told him. He was about to refuse… But he interrupted himself: she was right. His powers were too weak to be used in a fight. Sure, he could summon little flames, but this was hardly anything compared to the Queen’s blizzard. No, if they wanted to have a chance to fight her… They’d have to use their brains and physical weapons. While magic wasn’t completely out of the line thanks to Moonjumper… He knew what Vanessa was capable of, and didn’t want to take any risks. And so… He took the baseball bat, holding it in front of him. It was… Rather heavy, but in a way… That only reminded him of his old sword training. Sure, it had been quite a long time since then, but… Perhaps it would be similar.

At the same moment, the bow-wearing kid stopped to them, holding in her arms… The Time Piece? What did she want to do with it ?

The little girl seemed to catch the question in his expression and lifted the powerful hourglass as she spoke:

-“We didn’t have the time to modify it,” she explained, her expression serious: “but it might be useful to us if we ever get in trouble. Hat and I will use it in that case.”

Snatcher nodded and once more asked the brats to teleport them down there. And, in the click of a button… It was done. Of course, the previous Prince felt terrible from the teleportation, his stomach threatening to make him throw up… But he didn’t have the time to worry about that. When he was finally able to look around him, what he saw turned his blood to ice.

The group had appeared in the swamp area… But it barely looked like it anymore. The swamp had been completely frozen, hands coming out of the surface, turned into immobile ice statues. The trees had lost all of their purple hues, looking white from the snow and ice that had now covered everything. It was hard to tell the difference between the ground and the frozen swamp, but for the members of the group, this wasn’t impossible. They knew the forest quite well, after all, especially Snatcher. Still, the sight that was in front of them was terrifying. It was snowing, a lot of flakes falling and making it hard to see what was far away. Furthermore, it was cold, very cold… And the three humans couldn’t help but shiver from how low the temperature was.

But it wasn’t like they had had the time to prepare for such a situation.

-“Where are the subconites? What about the dwellers?” asked the bow-wearing kid, horrified by what she was seeing. Snatcher couldn’t blame her: he was, too.

-“Hiding, or…” Or frozen to death. Again. He didn’t finish his sentence, and no one insisted. The rest was just painfully obvious.

The man tightened his grip on the baseball bat. His old self would have never even thought of hurting Vanessa in any way, especially physical- but things had changed. A kingdom had been lost. People had been killed. Children had been murdered.

Things were much, much more different now.

-“Let’s go,” he murmured darkly, his voice barely audible through the wind and snow… But it seemed enough, and the group started to walk, careful of where they put their feet. Who knew what could be hiding below the snow…

-“Should we split ?” asked the hatted brat, glancing at her contractual BFF: “We don’t know where she is, or what she’s planning to do…”

The former spirit wanted to tell her this was a bad idea, considering the strengths and powers of their enemy… But he couldn’t find any good alternative. He knew she was right, the Forest was big enough for her to be anywhere. It would be like looking for a needle in a haystack… Considering their lack of time, they needed to be quick to find her and neutralize her, in whatever way they could, temporarily… Or permanently.

-“Fine,” he agreed reluctantly: “We’ll have more chances on finding her that way.”

-“Are you sure?” asked Moonjumper, visibly against that idea: “We know what she’s capable of. If we split up, we need a way to alert the other group if something goes wrong.”

The corpse had a point, and the group thought for a moment. But soon enough, the face of the bow-wearing child lightened up, as if she just had a revelation. She lifted her umbrella as she opened her mouth, decided to explain her idea:

-“What if we used our projectile badges?” she offered, pulling a badge out of the pocket of her jacket, before replacing one of those already in place on her weapon: “If something happens, we can give the other group a signal. That way, we’ll know if one group found her, or needs help.”

The entire team nodded, and Snatcher was rather surprised: this… Was a very good idea, actually. But…

-“So that means you won’t be together, then,” pointed out Moonjumper before he was able to, gesturing at the two: “That… Reassures me, in a way,” he admitted, looking away: “I don’t like the idea of you two going out alone and risking to fight her. She’s stronger than she looks.”

It was easy to see that his contractual friend wasn’t happy with his words, but she held her tongue. She was probably remembering their trip to the manor, and how scared they had been. Here again, he couldn’t blame them. Vanessa was terrifying after all.

-“Yeah,” she eventually sighed, though it was easy to say she was trying her best not to show arrogance or imprudence. The situation was too serious for that. However, she thought for a moment, before glancing back to the previous Prince:

-“Bow should go with you,” she suddenly told him, lost in thoughts.

-“Why?” he retorted, a bit lost. To be completely honest, he had expected her to go with him, considering there had always been some kind of rival complicity between them. So, it was safe to say he was a little surprised by her suggestion.

-“Bow has the Time Piece with her,” she replied, gesturing to her friend, who soon elaborated on that point:

-“It’s the best defense we have,” she explained, lifting the Hourglass as she spoke: “If something happens to one of us, I can rewind time and change the course of events.”

Snatcher had no problem figuring out what the two children had really meant, and he narrowed his eyes in response. Now that he was a human, unable to use his magic except for summoning a small flame, he was pretty much harmless against Vanessa, even with a baseball bat. This was their nice way of saying “you can’t fight so this will help you to stay alive”, and this honestly infuriated him. He was not useless, he was not weak!

… But as much as he wanted to argue, Subcon was still very much in danger, and they already lost so much time deciding of their plan. There was no time for bickering when half of the Forest had already been frozen, from what they had been able to see so far. Maybe more, now.

-“Okay, fine,” he grunted, before gesturing to where his home was. There was a possibility Vanessa was looking for him there, so this would most likely be the first strategic place to invest : “We’ll check my tree first, then the Subcon ruins. As for you, check the Subcon Well and the village. If you see anyone, tell them to hide until we get rid of that… Infestation,” he spat.

-“Very well,” answered Moonjumper, nodding with determination. The hatted brat imitated him, and wished them luck. The duo then got to work, leaving them to go search for any clue leading them to Vanessa. It was hard to find her in all this snow, in this blizzard… And it was so cold, it was hard to focus.

The bow-wearing kid was the one to pull him out of his thoughts, patting him on the side. The contact immediately brought him back to reality.

-“Let’s go,” she offered, decided to find their enemy despite the unnatural icy cold of the Forest. Snatcher merely nodded in response and the two of them left to explore the places they had in mind. It was, however… Much harder than they had first thought, and especially what Snatcher had had in mind. First, he had had to come to the fact that a large part of his kingdom had been affected by now. The snow was deep, showing it had been snowing a lot for a while now. The places were desert. His home had been entirely covered in snow, the furniture barely noticeable under the thick layer of flakes. No matter how much they looked around them, they couldn’t discern any suspicious silhouette in their surroundings, and they couldn’t hear anything either. All they could perceive was the sound of their own footsteps in the snow, which was crackling under their shoes. Snatcher’s feet were wet, his sneakers not adapted to this type of weather at all. The little girl accompanying him seemed to be fine in that regard, though she was holding the Time Piece against her, probably because she was cold. Well, he was too.

-“You seeing anything?” he asked her, narrowing his eyes as he tried to see what was in front of them, the falling snow making it hard to detect anything at all.

-“No,” she admitted, her teeth chattering as she held the magical Hourglass closer: “I don’t think we’ll find her here.”

The former ghost frowned, but nodded nonetheless. He had been so sure they would find her there… After all, if she wanted to find him, wouldn’t it make sense to check his home first ? Then again, the place was already covered in snow which, when he thought about it… Showed that she had already been there before. And now, there was no sign of the Ice Queen there. Plus… Did she really know who he became after his death? Why his corpse had disappeared from the cellar? Did she put two and two and figured out the other ghost haunting the forest was the Prince she had murdered? She was so unstable… It was hard to figure out what she was thinking.

The new team moved in direction of the Subcon ruins. Just like his home, the landscape had been more than affected by Vanessa’s passage. The buildings were all covered in snow, now deeper than ever. Maybe she had been there before, but it wasn’t the case anymore. The place was deserted. Sure, Subcon Forest had become quite the deserted place after Vanessa’s outburst, but this was a whole new level. There weren’t any spiders, any subconites, any dwellers… Any lifeform, whether alive or undead, had left this place.

They were the only ones near the Ruins, he was sure of it. A sneeze forced his mind back to reality, his body contorting as he expulsed the air out of his lungs. Ugh… It was getting very, very cold, and Snatcher couldn’t feel his feet or his fingers anymore. His body hurt, like a burn, but in a whole, new different way.

Something that only reminded him of terrible memories.

He glanced to the kid next to him, who had stepped away to search around the Ruins. Her face was getting… A bit blue, and she was definitely trembling. Now Snatcher was not an expert in human health or their abilities in surviving in extreme conditions, but he had seen enough as a ghost to know it was bad. And as a human… Well, he had had the opportunity to find out through real experiences.

-“Kiddo ?” he called out to her, only to find out his voice was rasp from the cold. His throat hurt, the icy air burning his throat and his lungs. They needed to find Vanessa, and quick… Otherwise, they’d turn into ice cubes before getting the chance to fight her. And, more seriously, they needed to find her while they were still able to move and fight. Otherwise… Well, being too cold to move would just make the fight even more unbalanced than it already was.

The bow-wearing child lifted her head at his call, having found nothing of interest either. She came back to him, some ice hanging from her nose. Heck, they really needed to find something, anything!

-“You okay?” he asked, without any hint of sarcasm or mockery this time. The situation was too serious for that.

-“Yeah,” she answered, probably lying: “You?” she asked back, worry clearly visible on her face.

-“I’m fine,” he lied too, though it was not really out of worry for her, but more about preserving what was left of his pride. He was not weak, he could do this, no, he had to!

-“I wonder if they found something…” added the little girl, rubbing her hands together as she looked around them, hoping to find a sign. But nothing came: “Where should we look, now?” she asked expectantly, though he could see that she was definitely tensed. Who knew how long they’d be able to stay and continue their search with such low temperatures…

Snatcher still took the time to think about her question. If he ever chose the wrong place again, then… Then they might be too cold to be able to fight, should they find her after that. They could look around the bridge, but this wouldn’t make much sense. Why would Vanessa go back ? No, she couldn’t possibly be there, and she apparently wasn’t where the other two we-

However, before he was able to finish that train of thought… A loud sound echoed around them, making the ground shake a little. Snatcher’s heart missed a bit for a second, and he looked around him, panicked. Was it Her? Was she there, ready to attack them? What else could it- His thoughts fell silent as he noticed the little girl pointing at the sky. Careful, slowly, his eyes followed her arm, then her hand, then her pointing finger… Until he noticed a large white beam illuminating the whole Forest like a new Sun, before slowly disappearing as if it had never been there in the first place.

Silence fell between the two as they had to process this terrible realization.

The hatted brat and Moonjumper had used the signal, they were in trouble, they needed help… But this wasn’t all it meant, no… Far from it.

This also meant they had found Vanessa.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- 

Oh boy, another cliffhanger :)c I sure wonder what's going to happen... Thank you so much for your patience and your support, it means a lot to me. "Being Human" now has more views than "Reliving An Old Nightmare", and it's really an accomplishment for me, as it means I'm getting better at writing stories. Thank you for helping me improve, really.

See you guys on the next chapter ! Stay safe everyone !

=> Chapter 20

[commander-rahrah]

RESIDENCY: SECOND CHANCES (AN OPEN HEART FIC): PART FOUR

Pairing: MC (Jordynne Holland) X Ethan Ramsey X Bryce Lahela; MC X Bryce; MC X Ethan. Please note that both pairings are present in this fan fiction — off & on, at the same times, and the relationships do ebb & flow. Please keep this in mind. Thank you.

Masterlist: Click Here

Chapter Rating: T

Word Count: 3940+

Description:  Everybody’s first day back at Edenbrook. Is this second year everything they will need it to be?

Disclaimer: Characters, storyline, and parts of the dialogue are taken from Pixelberry’s Choices. They fully own the characters, dialogue, backgrounds, etc. MC Jordynne’s background is my own creation, based loosely off of MC in-game’s personality and provided with more details.

Author’s Note: Ha. Soooo, its been a while. A long while. Many factors went into delaying updating this fic. First of all -- the pandemic. I am an essential worker. I am tired, and stressed. Yes, still. I am tired. I wake up, drive, work, drive, home, eat, sleep. That’s it. My freetime, creativity. mental health, etc. has been at an all time low. Second of all -- life. Soooo much has happened for my little family. My partner and I bought our first home and rescued our absolutely gorgeous puppy from a rescue shelter. It can be a bit hard to find time to write between putting your entire life into boxes, not having any furniture for 3 months and chasing after a puppy. Third -- I honestly felt like I lost my touch with my characters after reading Open Heart 2. The hiatus was understandable but long. There were chapters that were amazing, and heartbreaking and made me feel like I was soooo excited to write them. And then... by the end of Book 2... I felt lost? My favorite characters voices seem muffled. And I wasn’t sure how I was going to keep going. Do I ignore scenes/rewrite them? Would that compromise the premise of my fic? Being a fic that is in addition to the original PB story? I’m still a little lost if I am completely honest. Fourth -- general posting anxiety. Which I try so hard to avoid, and not think of. But comparison games, lack of notes and activity can get to you when you open yourself creatively online. 

But messages of encouragement and inquiries into the next update helped! And I thank everyone who checked in on the fic and on me to see what was going on ♡♡♡ Honestly, I felt like I had no time to write, and even if I did I wasn’t motivated or inspired enough to do it. Tonight, I felt good. The news of OH3 was a bit of a kick starter for me I won’t lie. But I want to get back into these character’s heads -- I want to figure out the god damn mess that Jordynne has made for herself with Ethan and Bryce!! 

As always any likes, reblogs and comments are very appreciated. If you would like to be added/removed from the tag list please just let me know! It has been a long time since the fic updated so please let me know if you no longer want to be tagged or want to be tagged. 

Taglist: @drakewalkerfantasy​ @owleyes-374​ @lahelable​ @mayah-mahdy @paisleylovergirl​ @nicquix​ @emilymay100​ @octobereighth​ @llamasgrl​ @timmagicktoad​ @lilyofchoices @msjpuddleduck​ @mfackenthal​ @paulfwesley​ @ccolz88-blog​ @mindlessdreaminxo @jooous​ @lapisreviewsstuff​ @choicesarehard​ @themingdynasty​ @omgjasminesimone​ @hopelessly-shipper​ @binny1985​ @perriewinklenerdie​ @jens-diamondchoices​ @indiacater​ @chasingrobbie​ @writingsbymissy @dimitriwife​ @tacohead13​ @amy-choices @mrsmatsuo @checkurwindow​ @imrookieramsey​ @bitchloveskcbaseball​ @mrs-ramsey​

Previous Updates: Residency — Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five Part Six Part Seven Part Eight Part Nine Part Ten Part Eleven Part Twelve Part Thirteen Part Fourteen Part Fifteen Part Sixteen Part Seventeen Part Eighteen Part Nineteen

Residency: Second Chances – Part One Part Two Part Three

Bryce stood near the entrance to Edenbrook — shuffling from one foot to another. Both hands were wrapped around paper coffee cups — one of which he took a careful sip of. 

So he had stopped to get her a latte from her favorite café. He knew she would probably be in a huge rush to get to work early and wouldn’t stop to get one. He wanted her day to start off right. At least he hadn’t shown up to the apartment.

Well, the thought had crossed his mind but he had quickly pushed it away. This was about being her friend. He just wanted Jordynne to have a good first day.

His dark eyes kept flicking towards the subway stairs, waiting patiently for that familiar blonde head to come bobbing up. Placing one of the cups on top of the other, he balanced them carefully as he dug into his jeans pocket for his phone. Maybe she had texted — 

“Oh Bryce — hey!” His ears perked up at the voice, and was met with a warm smile. The smile that occupied his waking dreams. He liked being the reason for that smile. 

“Hey Jordy!” God, why did he sound so breathless.

“Happy first day as a resident!” He shoved his phone back into his pocket, before grabbing onto her latte and extending it out, “I thought you should be extra caffeinated for your day, so I got you...” But his voice trailed off as he realized she was already clutching a travel mug to her chest. “Oh you already got one.”

“Uh, yeah,” Her smile turned sheepish, “I had the exact same thought process as you actually.” 

“Heh—,” he chuckled, “I guess I know you pretty well.” 

Her green eyes flashed with a look he couldn’t quite read, “Guess you do.” “Well, do you want it still...?” He held out the lukewarm latte again, unsure what to do with it. 

“Hey, I’m still Jordynne Holland. When have I ever denied extra caffeine?” Bryce’s white teeth bit his lip as they stretched into a smile. He handed her the cup — their fingers grazing slightly. 

“Thanks.” 

They fell into step behind the other roommates, trailing into the hospital. As they walked together, Bryce suddenly struggled to find what to say. He had never been one to stay quiet — usually he was the outspoken one. But now he just watched her grasp onto her two coffee cups tightly, her eyes low as she walked into Edenbrook. 

Once they made there way into the staff locker room, they separated to their own lockers. He watched out of the corner of his eye as she carefully sat her two drinks down, before grabbing her white coat. She slipped it on effortlessly, before wrapping her stethoscope around her neck. Flipping her blonde ponytail out, she turned to speak with Sienna — her voice to low for him to hear.

Jordynne looked amazing — her lean legs and hips wrapped in a deep green skirt that showed off just enough that it was both sexy and tasteful. Her high necked pale blouse brought out her olive skin. She could be the woman on the front of the pamphlets they hand out to pre-med undergrads. She already was the doctor she was aspiring to be — and he knew she would fit in well with the Diagnostics team. He thought of Ramsey — his pressed trousers, and leather dress shoes. His watch that probably cost more then Bryce’s car. Grinding his molars, he looked down at the wrinkles trousers and Nikes in his hands. Peeling his shirt off he tossed it gently into his locker, letting out a sigh.

But he quickly masked it as Jordynne went to leave the locker room. “Hey,” He caught her attention before she went to leave, “You’re gonna kill it, Holland.” 

“Thanks Lahela,” She gave him that smile again. The one that made everything flutter. 

“I’ll save you a seat at lunch?”

“Oh—“ Her eyebrows furrowed slightly in the middle, “I’m not sure how my day will look with the team... I’ll play it by ear?” She offered, looking a little guilty. 

“Yeah— yeah of course...” His voice sounded a little strained. “We’ll catch you later.” 

She nodded at him, pushing her hands into her pockets, “Okay, yeah. See you guys in the atrium,” She called out over her shoulder, her blonde ponytail swinging as she walked away. 

Bryce’s brown eyes flickered over to the rest of her roommates, who were all watching with slightly worried looks. It was starting to settle in. Maybe this second year, this second chance — was the beginning of everything changing. ________________________________________________________________ He had originally come up here to get accustomed to his new surroundings. Get a lay of the land. The board had spared no expense with the new wing expansion — and the Diagnostic team’s new office was no joke. 

Ethan was standing across the hall from the room — staring into the room through the glass walls. Everything inside was sleek, shiny and new. His hands were bunched up fists in the pockets of his trousers, and the tie around his neck felt a little tight. Had he forgotten what all of this was like while he was away?  

Thirty minutes he had stood there. 

Thirty. 

Standing there and imagining where he would sit at the table — discussing with the team, leading them to the right diagnosis. Researching at the desk, pouring over the hundred books that was supplied for them in there. 

But the picture in his head was fuzzy. Even in his imagination Ethan felt like something didn’t feel right. What was it? 

The team? No. Mirani and Hirata always did excellent work. He could rely on them.

Was it that Naveen was missing? So many of his biggest successes with the team was with Naveen. And he definitely felt his absence this past year. He had also never really adjusted to the idea of being the team lead for the department. It was thrust upon him, not once but twice. And both times he had been unprepared. Being a leader wasn’t exactly what he had always hoped for in his career.

Ethan’s thick brows were furrowed as he thought, the gears in his mind whirling. Why had he been staring at the office for thirty minutes? What was stopping him from going inside and just doing his damn work? That’s what he came back for — so what was his trepidation? 

The light flickering on in the diagnostic teams office brought him back to reality. The room was illuminated, the white light shining through the glass walls and spilling into the hall. 

There she was. 

Jordynne stood at the entrance of the office, her back facing him as she took it all in. She hadn’t notice him from across the large hallway. Ethan stepped back into the shadows — hoping she wouldn’t see him capturing the moment. A silent laugh escaped him as he watched her set not one, but two coffee cups down onto the table. His lips remained upturned as he watched her wander deeper into the room, running her fingers over the smooth surface of the whiteboard. She had a soft smile on her face as she looked around her. 

“Good morning Dr. Ramsey!”

Ethan almost hissed at the sound of the cheerful voice next time. Looking over he saw Dr. Baz Mirani standing next to him with a wide smile spread across his face. 

“Morning,” He grumbled, looking back to his view of the diagnostics office where Jordynne had started to settle in. 

“That’s Dr. Holland right?” Baz followed his line of sight, and watching her for a moment. “Are you going to head in?” The young doctor questioned, pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. 

He cleared his throat, before shaking his head, “You go ahead.”

The young man didn’t think anything of it, and marched over into the office. Ethan could hear their muffled voices through the glass as they introduced each other.

He noticed the next person that came up to him — Dr. Hirata. She gave him a nod, before pausing for a moment and staring at him in the dark side of the corridor. He could tell she was calculating, attempting to deduce what was keeping him out of their new office. But her face remained neutral and she turned on her heel and headed into the room. 

Maybe there were too many variables for her to figure it out too. 

His blue eyes watched as the three colleagues got familiar with each other, shaking hands and pleasantries. Maybe this would be a perfect time to go in. He had missed the awkward introductions — the worst part was over. He just had to go into the room. 

Running his hands over his white coat, Ethan crossed the hall and stepped into the brand new office. 

“Introductions done?” He asked, his thick brows raised. He glanced over them quickly, not long enough to make any eye contact. “Great. We’ve got work to do.” The glass door behind him gently hissed as it closed — leaving them all in the office together. 

Ok. First step done.

“We have an incoming patient from Manhattan Presbyterian.” The trio slid apart to make room for him as he marched to the board, pining up an abdominal CT scan. 

Jordynne, June and Baz grabbed a spot at the circular wooden table in the middle of the room. 

“Can you describe the patient?”

“Male, aged 45. Asian American.” He watched as Jordynne took out her trusty little black notebook, and started jotting down notes. 

“Symptoms?” 

“He presented with a fever, vomiting and diarrhea, and was treated for the flu. He returned several days later with enlarged lymph nodes, abdominal pain, and a rash on his shoulder.” Grabbing onto a black marker, he started to write the known symptoms down on the white board. With his back turned to the group for a moment, he let the corners of his lips turn up for a split second. This felt good. “What did his former doctors think it was?” 

“Hodgkin lymphoma.” He made sure he kept his face neutral -- to not give any answers away. 

June scoffed, “Amateurs. And his blood?” 

He almost laughed.

As the conversation started to amp up, Ethan slipped back into his role on the diagnostics team easier then he had imagined. Bouncing off of each other during the differential — he had missed this. 

Then he realized Jordynne hadn’t said anything. She was sitting in her chair, looking slightly awestruck. But she was still writing notes diligently and observing them going back and forth. 

“Six months ago, however, he was admitted for flu-like symptoms and a rash on his arm.” Ethan continued, drawing his eyes away from her and focusing back on the conversation. 

“That could be the key. Did they biopsy it?” Baz asked, eyebrows raised and face hopeful. 

He pursed his lips, “They didn’t.”

“Any history of dermatitis?” 

“Was he on any medication prior to being admitted?” 

June and Baz asked one after the other, going through their mental lists. “No and no.” 

“It could be cutaneous Kikuchi disease.” Hirata suggested. But she didn't do suggestions -- she diagnosed. 

Interesting.  

June had gotten there first. But she was always like that. It was a race for her.  

“The symptoms do add up.” Dr. Mirani nodded, giving his colleague a look of approval. 

“I agree.” 

There was a knock on the door, and they looked up to see Danny on the other side of the glass. Ethan waved him in where he announced the patient's arrival at Edenbrook.

“Excellent. Dr. Holland,” He spoke directly to her for the first time that morning —holding his breath as he waited for her reaction. But her face remained neutral, looking up at him through her lashes as she waited for him to finish, “Run a biopsy on the patient’s rash. If we’re correct, we’ll begin the patient on a treatment of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatories and prednisone.” 

He noticed her swallow for a moment, listening to her instructions. “And if we’re wrong?” 

“We’ll re-evaluate.” 

“But we won’t need to,” June said confidently, leaning across the table at Jordynne with a wink. 

“Team dismissed. I’ll page you if I need you again today.” He turned around, going back to the white board to add their final notes and treatment plan. 

Out of his peripheral vision he saw Baz put a gentle hand on Jordynne’s shoulder. He lowered his head to speak in her softly, “I made the same face my first few days on the team. You’ll get used to it.”  

Ethan crossed over to his desk to find the patient's file. Rummaging in his pockets, he found his glasses and slid them on. Without looking up from his file, he spoke to Jordynne who had remained in the room, “After you’re done with our patient, you can see Ines and Zaid for further assignments. You’ll be balancing your work here with your usual resident duties. Now that you’re in your second year, that will include rotations at the free clinic.” 

“Yes, Dr. Ramsey.” Her voice was so professional, so trained. He had never heard her sound like that. It was like she had practiced.

He heard the sound of her crossing the room, and stepping towards the door. But then she hesitated. “Will we always diagnose a patient without seeing them?” She asked. 

“No, but we’re often asked for help by other hospitals all over the country, so it’s a good habit to keep our blind diagnosis skills sharp.” He finally looked up from his file, using his finger as a bookmark in it. But when he looked over to, his stomach flipped slightly as he found that her green eyes already staring at him.

He could see her hesitation, and maybe some nerves. She had just been thrown into the deep end -- and it seemed she was struggling to stay afloat. 

“Is everything alright, Jordynne?” 

He couldn’t help himself. Plus, it was his responsibility to ensure her success on the team now. It was apart of his job to check in on her.

“Actually...,” She made sure the glass door closed, before stepping further into the room, “Could we talk?” Her fingers were knotted together in front of her -- she looked nervous, and vulnerable. 

Ethan studied her for a moment, chewing the inside of his cheek, “About the job? Or about us?” 

Her eyebrows furrowed for a moment, like she was in pain. But it was for just for the smallest moment -- he had barely even caught it. “The job.”

Placing the file down, he pulled a chair from the center table out for her where they sat down together. He adjusted his glasses on the crook of his nose, before settling into his chair. “I’m all yours,” He said, folding his hands carefully on top of each other on the table as he waited for her to speak up.

“Dr. Ramsey...," A flicker of doubt crossed her face, before she opened her mouth, "How are you sure you made the right diagnosis?"

Grabbing the file in front of him, he pulled out the patient's previous charts and placed them in front of them. “In medicine, the most logical answer is usually the correct one. In this case, the most obvious answer was Hodgkin lymphoma.”

“But the other hospital had already eliminated Hodgkin lymphoma.” She finished for him. 

“Correct. Which allowed us to take it off the board and considered the next most logical answer.” He pointed back over his shoulder to the symptoms he had written on the board in his chicken scratch, “The patient had a persistent rash. Paired with the symptoms present, the most logical answer is Kikuchi disease." He met her eye easily across the table, before matching her vulnerability, "But as to how I’m so sure, I’m not. Which is why you’ll be running a biopsy. We need to trust in our diagnostic instincts, but the second we let arrogance overrule the results, we fail as doctors.” 

“So I should use logic... and be humble?” Her eyebrows were tugging in the middle as she processed his advice.  

“And read journals. I want you to turn yourself into a walking disease encyclopedia. You can’t diagnose the patient if you don’t study up. If the patients we saw had more common diseases... they’d never have been referred to us in the first place.” 

“Got it.” She nodded -- eyeing the bookshelves behind them that were filled with textbooks.

“So what did you think of the team?" He asked curiously, "It was the three of us under Naveen last year, until he put himself out to pasture.” 

A soft chuckle escaped her, “You mean became Chief of Medicine?”

He smiled at the sound, “Precisely.” 

“Well, we just met but I think I liked Baz.” Jordynne offered, pursing her lips.  

“He’s hard to dislike. Walking proof that genetics aren’t everything.” 

“When did he join the team?”

“A couple years ago, when Zaid began his residency. He sought a position here to be closer to his brother.” 

Her eyebrows raised in surprise, “Can’t believe Zaid would be okay with that.” 

“Supposedly, the old chief cleared it with Zaid before he approved the transfer. But I heard a rumor that it was Baz, dressed up pretending to be Zaid.” 

Her mouth fell open, “He wouldn’t!” 

He shrugged, a cheeky smile spreading across his face. “I don’t pay any mind to rumors.” 

She smirked back at him -- and he could feel the nervousness and ice melting between them. They could do this. 

Two colleagues conversing normally. This was fine. 

“So if I want to get on Baz’s good side, how do I go about that?” She leaned in a bit more towards him, putting her elbow on the table and resting her chin on her fist. 

Ethan thought for a moment before replying, “Baz is earnest to a fault. He respects authenticity more than anything so... as much as I despise saying anything so incredibly banal, my advice would be... “be yourself”,” He grimaced as the words left his mouth. 

“Oof—“ She chuckled, “That must have hurt to say aloud.” She knew him well. “That’s why you’ll never hear it again.” 

She let out another laugh, but this one sounded more sad. Then a sigh escaped her, and she started picking at her lip, “I thought I was so ready for this year. How do I feel like a clueless intern all over again?”

“Because you are clueless, relatively speaking.” 

She frowned, “Gee, thanks.”

His stomach dropped -- that's not what he meant. “It wasn't an insult," He scrambled to get out, "You get to spend the second year of your residency in a small room with over three decades of collective medical knowledge and experience. Learn from it. Be inspired to become a better doctor from it.” He looked up, and found her already looking at him again. His thick brows furrowed, “What is it?” 

“Oh uh... your glasses...," Her words trailed off as she looked at him, "They make you look smart.” She sounded a little breathless. 

He did his best to ignore how that made him feel, the blush that might have been creeping up on his cheeks. So he hid between cheek and tongue. “You’ve caught me. The illusion behind my status. Without these I’m a simpering moron.”

The pair was quiet for a beat, before bursting out laughing. As they laughed, she casually tapped his hand with hers. “Thank you,” She spoke again, but this time her voice was quiet. 

Her fingers had lingered on his hand, so she gave it a squeeze. They were cold on his warm skin.

Ethan's jaw set as he felt those familiar sparks. Jordynne...” His voice was a warning. It was only the first hour of their first day. 

“I know.” She said carefully, but she looked down at the table. 

“We’ll be okay. We’ll make it work.” 

He wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince. 

“Yeah,” She breathed out. 

He moved his thumb gently across her fingers, daring to give her just that smallest bit of comfort. But the sound of the glass door whooshing open caused him to rip his hand away. 

“Whoops! Forgot my pager! That could have been very bad!” Baz strolled back into the office -- oblivious to what he had just walked in on. 

Both Ethan and Jordynne bolted out of their chairs, stepping away from each other. 

“Hmm. Yes. It’s right over there on the table.” Ethan pointed before shoving his guilty hands into his lab coat.

“I’ll get those tests run.” Jordynne had moved to the door, her arms crossed over her chest and face flushing red with embarrassment. 

“Excellent. Thank you.” He said with a nod, watching as she turned on her heel and marched down the hallway. 

Why was nothing ever easy with Jordynne Holland? 

Would this year be any different? 

_______________________________________________________________

"Cholecystitis." Jordynne said as she finished adding it to the whiteboard in the diagnostics room. Her perfect block letters standing out drastically against Dr. Ramsey's messy scratch. "Inflamed gull bladder which explains the abdominal pain after eating. Which is entirely separate from Kikuchi disease."

She turned around, capping the pen with a confident smile. Esme was standing near the door, watching the scene unfurl with crossed arms. 

"I have to say, I'm not sure I would have spotted that." June spoke first -- looking mildly impressed. 

"Nice catch, Jordynne." Baz gave her a big smile. 

"Indeed. Especially since we had been diagnosing based on reports, not our own face-to-face interviews. Dr. Holland's specialty has always been listening to her patients. Well done." He gave her a nod, a smile threatening to show on his face. 

"It wasn't just me. Dr. Ortega assisted." She nodded to her intern at the door. She knew that drove Ethan crazy -- passing along credit to her colleagues. But Esme deserved it. 

"Hey," Esme nodded her head at the trio from the corner of the room, attempting a smile.

"So this is your intern?" Ramsey stepped forward, eyebrows raised. "Well, Dr. Ortega...," He sized her up for a moment, before moving his steely eyes over to Jordynne. "Dr. Holland's one of our best. Consider yourself lucky."

Jordynne felt warmth spread in her chest -- feeling proud of herself. High praise from Dr. Ramsey -- everything between them aside. 

"I do, Dr. Ramsey." 

"Keep me updated on his treatment." Ethan asked politely, before filing out of the room with the rest of the diagnostics team. 

"So I guess you're pretty good at this." Her intern looked at her with a little smirk. "You saw for yourself, I learned from the best. Edenbrook has some of the best doctors in America, and you'll learn from them all. And not just the attendings, but your fellow interns too. I wouldn't have made it through without my friends."

"You telling me to what... be more social?" Esme looked up at her -- her face filled with doubt.

She shrugged, the corners of her lips tugging up, "It can't hurt."

"It definitely can."

"Donahue's from the other night? That's where everyone goes. But first, let's get you back to your patients." Jordynne started to shuffle out of the office, but Esme's voice stopped her. 

"Right... Hey, Dr. Holland? Thanks for not bailing on me. Gotta say, that's a new one." She sounded genuine.

"Sure thing, Ortega. I got your back." 

This year could be different.

[bittersweetlikecoffee]

Like shout-out to my forever partner. He's the best and real, real, real one. Get you a man who won't judge you for admitting to having nightly panic attacks and night terrors but instead supports you without any judgment whatsoever. And, bonus, no matter what refuses to leave your side no matter how much you insist you're too damaged.

Y'all this year has been a lot on me--mentally, emotionally and physically. Hell, spiritually. Losing my grandmother...moving...job hunting...trying additional options in the meantime while job hunting...grappling with the reemergence of my mental health issues...on and on...trying to look for apartments...stressing over money issues. It's been a lot and tiring and I'm so fucking tired I want to cry. I'm so tired. I'm so angry at everything symptom wise crippling me. This feels like it's honestly too much. I wish I could like tear this out of myself at times, but... I know I can't give up. So I won't.

But y'all I'm just so thankful for my fiance. He's held me down. Seriously. This is like recompense for me holding him down when he mentally and emotionally needed it. This is what a strong and healthy relationship is all about. I'm so incredibly thankful that he keeps me calm and can hold me and soothe me. I'm thankful that he allows me to vent and doesn't pressure me on my really, really bad days. I'm thankful that he's understood me when I told him I needed help. It's hard to admit that because for awhile I was stabilizing and things were looking up. I want to cry, seriously. Just...support systems are so, so, so important when it comes to mental health. I want to thank my friend too because she's been super sweet and loving and just there for me. She's been very kind and never turns me away or anything. She's almost always willing to listen and these past months have been loaded.

The ability to have someone in your corner when you're regressing and you can recognize it is imperative. I know I won't be hospitalized. I just believe that I won't regress that badly ever again. I cannot. I cannot do it again. It's too much to hit a reset button again at this interval of my life. To be truthful, I'm fucking terrified of that possibility so I'm avoiding getting to that stage. But I also know that I need help. I need to find a therapist and I need to journal again, and I know I cannot manage this on my own anymore. There's too many variables that I won't go into for personal reasons that have brought me to this place.

I'm rambling. I don't even know wtf the purpose of this is anymore, tbh. I guess that chronic anxiety and depression can suck a lot sometimes. Not being able to get out of bed or struggling to, not being able to fall asleep and stay asleep for days and weeks on end, and not being able to leave the house...can be debilitating. So...idk...I won't post about this for a while.

Why?

My blog isn't centered on my mental health. I didn't create it with any centrally focused topic in mind. It's literally supposed to be as the description entails: reblogs and the very occasional personal post or life update. That's it. I already felt like I've divulged too much. I'm not looking for advice. I appreciate it all the same but I'm really not looking for it. I'm just tired...mentally and emotionally. I might need to go back on meds and that's fine. I'm at a time in my 10+ years of having mental illnesses in my life that I can wholly accept that. It's liberating to be at a point where I can admit that trying to go med-free worked for a bit and now... I've realized it's not anymore and that's okay. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make anyone weak.

And I just want to say that this applies to literally anyone else that's in the mental health community. If you need to go back on medications or decide to then it's YOUR decision. The same applies if you decide to stop, it is YOUR decision. There's nothing wrong with regression or relapse or whatever you want to label it as or term it. It's part of the process. Therapy has armed me with that and it's keeping my head above water right now. Years ago, I would have been in a way worse headspace at this junction than I am now, had it not been for group and individual counseling. But yes, for a while now I've realized I need medication again to help balance me out.

As for anyone wanting to quit medication? All I would say is to make sure you stop with the consent of your psychiatrist/doctor and to do it in steps. Titrate down. Don't stop cold turkey. Don't ever stop cold turkey. Psych meds can have lasting side effects that are both unpleasant and can be harmful and dangerous if you do.

Anyway, I'll lurk here and there. I will continue to post however infrequently. I will pop in every now and then. I'll reblog content I like or find interesting. I just don't think anything else needs to be said really. 2020 was shitty. The pandemic was horrid. 2021 was emotionally draining, at one time cathartic, angering, saddening, lonely, and incredibly difficult most days for a lot of personal reasons. But I'll get through this because I'm strong. And you will too. It will get better. 🥺🙏🏾

Xoxo

[dreamescapeswriting]

BTS Reaction || Depressive Episodes

A/N: Warning here! Some of the following might be triggering to some people, but this was a request from a lovely anon, I hope this is okay for you. As someone who battles with depression just know if any of you need to talk I’m here. 💜💜💜 THAT BEING SAID I SUCK AT WRITING ABOUT DEPRESSION BECAUSE I TEND TO IGNORE ALL OF MY FEELINGS SO FAIR WARNING THIS SUCKS.

Seokjin:

Your phone buzzed from beside your bed but you continued to ignore it, rolling over under the covers and blocking out everything. Jin had been trying to call you for the last two days but you didn’t want to talk to him, or anybody else. You just wanted to be left alone with your thoughts. The phone stopped buzzing and you knew there was another missed call and voicemail to add to the collection, you felt terrible for ignoring him but even worse because your head was racing too much.

“It’s Jin…Of course, you know that you have caller ID…Just…Call me or text me, if you don’t respond within the next hour I’m coming round.” You looked at the photo you had of you and him set for his contact, you were cuddling together in a park somewhere, giant smiles on your faces as a picnic was laid out in front of you. He’d taken you out the first day he’d gotten back from one of their tours and it was the best day ever, you smiled at the memory and then the phone vibrated again.

“I’m outside. Let me in.” You cursed yourself for opening the message, you had on read receipts and you wanted to scream for being an idiot, now he knew you were awake and reading all of the messages and listening to voicemails he’d been leaving. The front door opened and you heard him greeting your roommate, you looked at the door as it rattled, you’d locked it when you first locked yourself away.

“Baby…You can’t lock yourself away, let me in.” You silently let a few tears go, you heard him keep trying the door. He wasn’t going to anywhere any time soon, you got up from the bed and opened the door, as soon as his eyes landed on you he dragged you into a hug, his big long arms wrapping around your waist and dragging you into his chest, as soon as you came into contact with him you let go of everything you were holding back, the tears came first and you never thought they would stop, you both collapsed onto the floor as you cried into his arms, he rubbed your back, kissing the top of your head as you ranted to him about everything you were feeling.

“It’s so hard Jin, it’s so, so hard.” You sobbed out to him, he held you tighter and you let out a shaky breath, you’d never really gone into depth with Jin about your depression, you’d told him about how you had ups and downs and when you were having your downs you just pushed everyone away and wanted to be left alone,

“I push everyone away because even when people are around I feel so alone in everything…I can’t keep-” He cut you off, shaking his head and kissing the top of yours.

“I brought along the perfect food, and movies for us to binge, or to sleep through. We can talk or not talk but you will never be alone during this okay.” You nodded and he lifted you, walking over to the bed and laying you down in it, covering you with the covers and going to set the TV up at the end of your bed.

“I love you.” You said to him as he got into the bed next to you, he wrapped one arm around your shoulder pulling you closer to him.

“I love you too.” He whispered back, leaning down and leaving a kiss on your lips. You leant your head against his shoulder and watched as the movie began playing in front of you. ‘You’ll never be alone’, you smiled at the thought of his words, he’d always told you he’d be there. No matter what.

Yoongi:

“I’m fine Yoongi.” You said over the phone to your boyfriend, he’d locked himself away at the studio for the last week and you stayed home, it wasn’t out of the ordinary for him to go to the studio and work you loved that he was so passionate about everything he did, but he began noticing your habits again, he knew your depressive episodes were coming before you even did, on the 6th day of him not being at home he called you. You’d been ignoring his text, the group chat and the boys’ texts, this was the first sign of one coming, you pushed everyone close to you away, you didn’t want to talk to anyone, or see anyone. The next step was locking yourself up in the bedroom and refusing to take the right medication or eat real meals, so Yoongi knew what to do. He called you on his way home, he knew you would answer his calls to put his mind at ease, you never wanted to worry him, or bother him while he was busy, he told you he was still in the studio so that you wouldn’t expect him home yet, but he would be coming down the driveway as you said goodbye. He came through the backdoor, silently going up the stairs and into the bedroom where he found you crying into a Shooky plush he’d gotten you, wearing nothing but one of his old T-Shirts, he’d say nothing to you. Just walking over and climbing into the bed next to you, pulling you over into his arms and letting you cry into him.

“What’s wrong baby?” You let out a shaky breath as you just laid in his arms, you never wanted him to leave you alone again.

“I don’t know.” You managed to stutter out, it was the truth. You had no idea what was wrong with you.

“I was doing fine, I was taking the meds, I was eating but…I just-” He nodded along as you tried to finish your sentence.

“I just feel hopeless, like nothing can help me. I feel like nothing I can do or say will help me Yoongi. I’m stuck in an awful mindset and I can’t get out of it. Everything just feels like too much, it’s all piling up on top of me and I can’t, I don’t think I have the strength to keep fighting-” You couldn’t even finish because you broke down into another sob, Yoongi just held you tighter as you cried out to him.

“It’s going to be okay, I know that’s the lame thing to say but I promise it is.” He rubbed your arms

“I’m here, I’m giving you all the strength I’ve got, we’re going to get through this together, everything we do, we do together.” He reminded you, he’d told you this before. When you first told him about your mental health struggles, he told you about his and how you would both help one another when the time came.

Hoseok:

“Hobi please just leave me alone.” You whispered as he banged on your bedroom door again, you locked yourself away in your apartment but your roommate let him inside and now he was stood outside your bedroom door waiting for you to unlock it,

“I’m not going away so you might as well open up the door.” You groaned getting off the bed and sliding the lock off, opening the door and letting him come inside, his bright smile on his face as he burst through, you shut the door and went back over to your bed. You’d never told Hoseok about your depression before, you’d mentioned it in passing but breezed over the whole conversation, you didn’t want him to look at you differently.

“What’s going on with you?” He questioned sitting down next to him, you tried to match his happy energy but it was taking everything in you right now not to cry in front of him.

“I can’t keep pretending Hobi it’s so hard.” You managed to stutter out before bursting into tears, you fell down into his lap, he was shocked at first but he wrapped his arms around you, and you let out sobs as he touched you.

“How do you do it? How are you always so upbeat and happy Hobi?” You whispered to him, he looked at you, he was playing with bits of your hair, twirling them between his fingers as you looked up at him. It pained him to see you this way, you were normally just as happy and upbeat at him, always meeting his mood and raising it little by little, never letting anyone else around you be sad.

“It’s so hard putting on a mask every day Hobi…I try to be happy for everyone around me…I try to push the dark thoughts out and focus on the good but it’s so God damn hard…How can I help other people be happy when I can’t even help myself?” You managed to say before breaking down into tears again, he sighed pulling you up from his lap to face him, he cupped your face in his hands wiping the tears away from your cheek and looking you deep in the eyes.

“I know it’s hard and I know right now you’re feeling as though there is no way out of this place that you’re in but I promise and assure you that there is a way out, there is always a way out. You just have to keep fighting, no matter how much it hurts you have to keep fighting. Promise me you’ll keep fighting.” You stayed silent, nothing but small sharp intakes of breath were coming from you and the occasional sob as he spoke to you, he moved some hair behind your ear and you leant into his hand, his touch making you feel a little better.

“I’ll be here, always. I’m going to help you keep fighting but you have to promise me you’ll keep fighting okay?” You nodded and he smiled softly, not his usual bright big smile but a normal smile, you took a deep breath and tried to focus on your breathing, he pulled you back down into his chest and drew small invisible patterns into the small of your back, softly humming some of their songs to you as you cried into him.

Namjoon:

You ignored Namjoon for a week…hoping that if you ignored him for long enough he would just go away and leave you alone but that wasn’t happening. He’d been busy with work lately and hadn’t noticed anything going on in the media but you had, all of the articles about him being better without you in his life, and how you were holding him back. It sent you into a spiral of overthinking and so you left him alone, you didn’t return his calls or texts, or anyone else’s texts. You were in a group chat with them all so you just left it, finding it easier than to just mute the conversation, you didn’t want the temptation of checking it to see how they were doing.

“If you don’t open this door right now Y/N!” Namjoon yelled from outside your apartment, you ignored him, going back into your living room. You’d closed the curtains so he didn’t know you were there and you laid down on the sofa, trying not to cry out too loudly in case he heard you,

“I know you’re in there! You can’t ignore me forever, I’ll stay here all night.” He said to the front door, you listened as the rain began to pour down, you felt bad but you knew this was for his good.

“Hoseok has the spare key I’ll just call him to come and let me in!” You groaned rolling off the sofa and going to the door, you opened it to see a dripping wet Namjoon dressed in nothing but blue jeans and a white t-shirt, he pushed himself inside the house, slamming the door and pulling you into a silent hug, you didn’t hug him back. You let your arms lay limp at your sides.

“Talk to me. What’s going on?” You pushed yourself away from him, going inside the living room and handing him a blanket to warm him up but he pushed it down onto the floor, you bent down to pick it up and he stopped you.

“Talk to me.” He repeated, you didn’t want to look up into his eyes, they were your weakness, one look and you would spill your guts to him.

“I’m not good enough for you.” You whimpered out, dropping the blanket and staring at him, he was shocked at your sentence.

“I’m holding you back Joonie…All I ever do is hold you back…If you’re not busy with work you’re busy looking after me because I’m…I’m broken, I’m broken and I can’t fix myself.” You sobbed out dropping down onto your knees as you let the words fly out of your mouth, he dropped down next to you and pulled you into him, never wanting to let you go again.

“I saw the articles…They all say your music was better when you weren’t with me and it’s true, your music is good but it was great when you were without me…I’m holding you back.” You cried, he shook his head. He was angry but not with you, never with you.

“The articles are dumb, they’re…They’re nothing. You, you make me better.” He said pulling you to look into his eyes and running his thumb under your eyes as tears rolled down your cheeks.

“You make my music better, I have the inspiration to keep doing what I love doing, writing songs about our love, you’re my muse baby.” You looked at him, swallowing on the lump that was in your throat and wanting him to hold you again, you said nothing and just snuggled into his arms.

“Don’t you ever think like that again, you’re too good for me if anything.” He whispered to you as you laid in his arms.

Jimin:

Jimin had gotten into your apartment through the bathroom window that you left open and you were now arguing on the landing between your bedroom and the bathroom.

“Jimin I need space!” You screamed as he looked at you, he knew that’s not what you needed at all, he knew what was going on the moment you began to answer his texts with one-word replies and stopped going to the studio with him, at first he thought it was because you were busy with work but when he called and asked for you they told him you didn’t work there anymore.

“You’re lying Y/N, I’ve told you before you can talk to me.” He said trying to reach for you put you stepped away from him, you just needed to be alone, all you wanted was to be alone.

“Leave me alone Jimin!” You cried out, moving away from him again but hitting the wall next to your bedroom door, you sighed out as you realised you had nowhere else to go.

“Jimin please.” You whispered, your head leaning back against the wall as you let some tears fall your cheeks.

“I’m not leaving you Y/N.” He said looking at you, you fell onto your knees and you broke down into a sob, every emotion coming at you all at once, he knelt beside you and you put your head on his shoulder.

“Why didn’t you tell me about work?” He questioned as you leant on him, you shook your head, your eyes closed tightly.

“I didn’t want to tell you about it, I thought if I could figure it out on my own I would be fine, but I can’t do it Jimin. I’m hopeless, I have no job, no money. My rent is due and everything is coming up all at once, I can’t even afford to buy myself food, I’ve been living off of rice for the last two weeks.” You finally admitted to him, he pulled your face up to look at him but your eyes were still closed.

“Open your eyes.” You did as he said and he looked sad, you cried, even more, when you realised you were the one that made him feel like this.

“We will figure this out together okay, you know you can always come to me if you’re struggling.” You shook your head pushing him away from you again.

“No, Jimin, No. I don’t want to rely on you to help me, I’m an adult I’m supposed to help myself.” He pulled you back in, ignoring you as you pushed against his chest to try and get him away again.

“Adults need help sometimes too, now. We’re going to get some sleep because I know you, you’ve probably not slept right for a few days, then tomorrow we’re going to do a food shop and we’ll look for another job okay? In the meantime, I will help take care of the bills.” He ignored you as you tried to fight him on this, he rubbed your arms softly.

“You’re not going to win on this one, everyone needs help sometimes, it takes a real adult to accept the help.” He whispered to you, kissing your cheek and helping you up on your feet.

Taehyung:

Taehyung came round to your apartment and rang the doorbell but there was no answer, he frowned. He thought you would have been at home sleeping, you’d been ignoring his calls all day and sent him a text saying.

“Tired, going to sleep everything off. love you. x" He knew it was a weird message to come from you and once he finished work he wanted to spend the night with you, he brought take out and your favourite movies. He heard grunting coming from the back garden of your apartment and went round, opening the gate to see you standing in front of a fire pit, you were throwing different things into it, he smiled as you did so until he realised what you were throwing inside, he dropped the bag of food and rushed over to you, stopping you and looking at you properly, your eyes were swollen and red, your cheeks were stained with mascara and you were shaking violently.

"What’s going on, what’s wrong?!” He questioned making you put down one of the paintings you were carrying, you looked at him for a second before turning your attention back to the dying fire, you broke out of his grasp and grabbed some random bits of paper, throwing them up to build up the flames once again.

“Baby talk to me.” He pleaded, making you stop in your tracks you turned to face him and you could see he was upset, you let out a little sob as you looked at your artwork that was laid around the garden,

“I just- I give up.” You managed to say, sitting down in one of the deck chairs, he came over to you, kneeling down in front of you so you would look at him.

“Talk to me, tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours.” He said running his hand along your cheek, you were freezing even though you were in front of a fire.

“Everything is too much Tae…I just, my brain won’t shut off and I can’t keep doing this anymore, why should I keep working at something that’s stupid.” You stated, referring to the artwork you’d been burning. He lifted you from the chair and sat in your place, pulling you onto his lap and laying your head against his chest, he’d wished he’d noticed the warning signs sooner. He noticed you weren’t interested in art a few weeks ago but he didn’t think you were this bad.

“Everything I love…I just don’t see the point in it anymore Tae.” You whispered to him, he held you tighter and kissed your temple.

“I know baby I know, but listen to me.” He whispered you looked up at him.

“We’re going to get through this alright, burning is not an option, your artwork is insanely good and I’m not about to let you throw it all away, we can pack it all up and put it away in the attic for now but I’m not letting you do this. We’ll find you something else to enjoy, for now, we can have a fire and burn anything else but your talent.” You nodded along with him, you knew deep down that burning everything you ever created wasn’t the answer but it felt good to do so.

“Now I did bring food but it’s ruined so, let’s get all of your stuff back inside, order some food in and get a movie on, we can talk or not talk through it…But I’m here baby, next time you’re feeling like this tell me."

Jungkook:

Jungkook didn’t know about your depression, you didn’t want him to know. You didn’t want anyone to know about it. You wanted to deal with it on your own, but it was hard to hide it from him, especially when you were having a down day, or rather a down week. You knew the episode was coming when you lost interest in everything, you didn’t want to be around Jungkook anymore, you wanted to be alone in your room, you didn’t want to write, listen to music or watch movies, nothing made you feel joy anymore, so you locked yourself away. Turning off your phone and ignoring everything around you.  Jungkook began to worry when you first didn’t show up to practice dancing with Hoseok and him, you would normally come along to the dance studio to learn some new moves when he called it went straight to voicemail, at first he thought maybe you were just at work but when it did it for the second day in a row he began to get nervous, he questioned Namjoon and Jin on what he should do but they told him to give you space. He began to panic thinking he’d done something wrong and tried to call again but it kept going right to the answering machine.

He used the spare key which you kept under the rug and came into the apartment, he found your shoes and coat, meaning you were at home. He walked up the stairs and heard voices coming from your room, a woman and a male, he frowned listening in when he heard you sob out.

"Fucking bullshit!” He heard you scream and then the talking stopped, he walked through the door to find you laid in bed, wearing his hoodie and surrounded by tissues.

“Shitting hell.” You croaked out, jumping off the bed and running into the ensuite, you slammed and locked the door before he got to you and he sighed, knocking on the door.

“Did I do something wrong?” You wept a little at him thinking he’d been the one to cause this.

“Kookie no.” You whispered back, but you heard him let out a cry and you opened the door, he dragged you into his arms and you finally let out the tears you’d been holding back, he squeezed you tighter and you broke down into his arms.

“I didn’t want to tell you about my depression.” You admitted as he sat you both down on the bed, you were straddling his lap as he looked up into your eyes,

“I figured I could lock myself away for a while like I normally would and then I would be fine…I didn’t want you to look at me the way I look at myself.” He frowned at you, questioning you by what you meant silently, you knew his looks down to a science now.

“I didn’t want you to look at me like I was broken like I was something you had to repair because I can’t be repaired Kookie…I just have these days where I can’t get on with things.”

“Baby I would never look at you like that, you’re my girlfriend,  you know you can tell me anything, on your down days we can figure it out together, I don’t want you to feel alone in this because you’re never alone, you have me. Always and forever.” You leant your forehead against his and kissed his nose.

“Always and forever.”