#I can get chronic coughing up to 4 months long sometimes | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sadisthetic · 2 years ago

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alarmingly long hanahaki au jaya. i hurt jay quite a bit in this. this is a product of 4 straight days of insanity. im SO ILL. ABOUT JAYA. IF YOU MAKE IT TO THE END OF THIS. I COMMEND YOU. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME IN ADVANCE.

once again adapted from a twitter thread. its. like 165 tweets long. yeah. yeah. im lazy so its gonna be mostly copy pasted and lightly edited so if it sounds like im talking to myself I WAS. AND I WAS DOING IT FOR FOUR DAYS.

anyways heres the start.

so hanahaki.... jaya.... season 3...... jay is absolutely the guy who gets hanahaki theres absolutely no doubt about that like absolutely none. but the world building tho... how should i handle it.... i want it to be canon compliantish. and more importantly. when should i give him symptoms. what would be most interesting

sure. i could give him hanahaki after he find out about nyas perfect match. but haha

what if he get petals earlier tho.

he doesnt understand why at first, why jay starts coughing up petals, he and nya are dating and in love. there shouldnt be any reason for it. its not bad yet so he just ignores it really hard or thinks he mustve gotten a weird strain because theres now way he has normal hanahaki because theres No Way! haha

so when he hears the truth there in his parents trailer, the roots around his lungs constrict and he cant tell the pain apart from his heart breaking in two. his chest hurts so much and he sees cole and just goes ballistic

just imagine. what thats like for him. hes mad but its a secondary response to the heartbreak. hes had signs literally inside all along but to actually find out? like this? jay cant take it

haha. the double date would suck so much HAHA. he holds it in through the whole duration of the movie but when its over he vomits full flowers in the bathroom

ive been mulling over the worldbuilding of hanahaki in this au of mine. i thinking i want it to be a departure from the standard hanahaki worldbuilding thats in fics. just slightly. mostly regarding the fatality and maybe treatments........ i think i want jay to have hanahaki the whole time until skybound. and so i think im gonna have to make hanahaki nonlethal. but kinda like chronic pain. if you cant let go of that love

im partially adopting another fics worldbuilding but i like the idea you can recover on your own if you simply fall out of love. its easier and less damaging the earlier you give up on the love. the roots atrophy and fade and theres not that much scarring. you can easily recover

but you know...... its jay. hes not gonna let it go. he cant. he loves nya.... i think he hides his affliction tho... because he knows nya doesnt want to get back together. and he doesnt want to look you know.... pathetic? desperate? overly clingy?

“you still hasnt gotten over nya?” “dude come on.” “give it up.” he doesnt want to hear it from the others. because he doesnt want to.

but also he wants to save face in front of nya. hes scared itll drive her even further away. his heart cant take more of that. this distance hurts enough

so for months.............. he suffers the pain of one sided love. quietly. pretending that nothing is wrong and that jay is okay with them just being friends. of course jay could choose to surgically remove the hanahaki.... but he doesnt want to do that

i think im gonna keep a bit of the amnesia worldbuilding standard fics have. but im not gonna have it so that artificially removing the hanahaki makes you forget the person you love. no.... just the love that you felt. i think jay doesnt want to lose his love for nya..... also not being able to fall in love with nya scares him. hes just that fucking attached to her. he has it bad man. dude has attachment issues. hes so clingy.

anyways. jay chooses to suffer. because hes that badly in love

jay self medicates on over the counter cough suppressants thats meant for the cold and more normal sickness. works surprisingly well. not ideal tho. he also fills his pockets with cough drops and sometimes makes himself sick when he accidentally eats too much on bad days

he gets sick of them. the sweet icky taste and menthol nausea but he doesnt have that many better ways to deal. its just a temporary fix too. considering that coughing is his body's natural way to get rid of the petals. and hes just letting them sit in his lungs

periodically he has to stay hunched over a trashcan to clear out the petals and yes its an awful experience every time. it becomes routine. the petals scratch his throat on the way out and he gets into tea to soothe the irritation. he becomes a regular at mistake's

in general, his ability to breathe starts to decline and he gets winded so much more easily. the plants in his chest limit his airflow and also steals the oxygen from his lungs. his chest is tight always and aches like theres thick needles lodged in his chest. those are the roots

usually its manageable. but it becomes harder to fight. battles usually end up leaving him wheezing. one of the guys teases him about it. that hes slacking and getting out of shape. he sidesteps that convo tho and brushes them off. he certainly cant be honest

im a sadist so im gonna making him pass out after one fairly vigorous battle. one which he has to push himself harder to make it out alive. so hard that his lungs cant keep up with the rest of his body and even when he gets himself to a safe corner or clearing, no amount of breaths is enough and he just blacks out. he eventually comes to a worried face shaking him awake. ill figure out who and when this is set later. either way they just assume jay got knocked out even though they cant find any wounds. theyre relieved he seems fine

but that was very bad. super duper bad for jay tho. he cant let that happen again. but these kinds of things are out of his control tho. but he just has to deal.

things comes to a head in skybound. i think itll be most dramatic if nya finds out in the lighthouse. after she rescues them and they successfully flee. when they settle and in moment jay cant hide he coughs out a gross mass of petals

and nya has a slow step by step realization of the implications. but before all that happens tho. nadakhan. i dont think he knew jay had hanahaki when he first targeted him. maybe. this point might change

but as it is, for the thought i have, nadakhan learns when jays meds wears off, and hes not even able to pop in a cough drop his mouth. and he vomits a messy slurry of petals onto the wooden floorboards of the deck. its EXTREMELY FUNNY to nadakhan, he mocks jay for it! he has hanahaki! that is so tragic! to think jay has known his love was utterly unrequited and yet he tried so hard to win her back. but it was all a hopeless, desperate, pathetic endeavor. so nya truly doesnt love jay, hm? so shes single and free for the taking. no hard feelings, then, when they marry

up on the ship, he coughs up so many flowers. he doesnt get enough sleep from the persistent coughing. and passes out multiple times, for a collection of reasons. from being knocked out, exhaustion, apnea, running out of breath after several matches of scrap n tap

i think it would be really sad and pathetic if there one incident where he chokes on a flower. and he cant cough it out and he thinks gonna die for reals. a pirate helps him out only to add insult to injury (and to torment him more to pull a wish out of him, hes better off alive than dead)

when hes rescued by his friends, theres no flowers around so none of his friends suspect. jay manages to keep the petals in his mouth, catching them behind his teeth, and swallows them back in. he coughs pretty bad but they all think he just got really sick. he looks awful after all

but thats of course only up until the lighthouse. ive been contemplating about how nya handles it all...... how she feels......... what is the most satisfying route here is much more trickier to figure out than just a fixit skybound au.......

feelings are trickier and much more loaded........ the revelation certainly isnt going to be an easy thing for nya to swallow..... but lighthouse talk has so much potential....... jay might be honest for once..... because he has to be.... forced to be!

ngl lighthouse part of skybound has been super elevated in my head by favorite skybound fic so my perceptions of it and my own take on it for this au is probably going to be influenced by that. not in the sense im copying scenes but in the sense of like. oh yeah writer IS right, lighthouse ep TOTALLY has the massive potential for big feels and honesty. and revealing trauma/hurt feels. anyways. let me talk a bit about nya and the little dilemma i have.....

so like...... nyas part in the story is so tricky to handle.... because she entirely determines the ending of this story. much more so than in the original canon.....

because the crux of this story is the love between nya and jay... the lack of thereof from nya and the undying love from jay. hanahaki. unrequited love. the story is not just about jay making mistakes and being flawed as a person and being tested as a person and learning and growing his mistakes

in this au, the focus is specifically on his love for nya and how hes willing to hang onto it for so long despite how much it literally hurts him. love hurts. its barely even worth it. but to jay it is. this story is driven by his love. however how it ends all depends on nya.....

and heres the thing.... i know the way the "romance" in skybound was resolved was..... whats the word..... forced? it was insufficiently developed.... i cant recall the exact word i wanna use but it was just. tacked on. nyas change of heart kinda came out of nowhere....

nyas line in the lighthouse before she pushed jay through the portal is honestly inconsistent with her characterization that season up to the point. shes really didnt seem like she loved jay back at all. its entirely because the writers didnt write in those feelings

it takes a bit of creative thinking and interpretation to make jays and nyas get together at the end of the season work. you have to fill in the gaps of the romance yourself if you want it and want it to make sense and have it be satisfying

what i do for my fix it interpretation of canon is that nya didnt actually stop loving jay entirely in s3 breakup arc. instead i choose to think is that nyas desire for independence simply grew stronger enough to eclipse her love for jay

also i like to think nya liked jay more casually than he loves her so it was easier to break off their relationship. if youve seen my dream divorce ot3 slowburn get together break up get together fic (concept) (that only exactly two people know what im talking about). and also string of fate au. ESPECIALLY IN STRING OF FATE AU. then you know. my take on them. ANYWAYS.

the problem i have for this au is that i cant do that. i cant use that same interpretation to have them get together again. it doesnt work. because in this au.........nya really did fall out of love for jay. and having them get together again just like canon isnt.......satisfying

its tricky..... because to make nya fall in love with jay now after she learns he has hanahaki..... if im not careful ill be doing the same thing that the writers are doing. writing a careless romance solely because i want them to be together

and i DO want them to be together again.... but it requires a considerate approach if i really do want it. here..... the situation is this..... nya finds out jays has truly been in love with her for months STILL. and its bad enough he got hanahaki. i think she might feel uncomfortable about that. its unwanted love you know? being the object of someones desires still after you long broke up with them. she has moved on but jay hasnt? its super awkward for her...... but also...............

jay knows that. nya isnt stupid. she realizes that jay knows that and thats exactly why he kept it from her in the first place....... shes also uncomfortable because... jay is suffering because of her. she broke it off with him but its not like she doesnt care about jay

no she still does. jay is still someone important to her. hes not just some ex. hes still a friend.... and her heart aches seeing jay suffer. her heart twists realizing that jay has been suffering this whole time on his own and she had no idea.

and it was out of consideration for her. its not entirely her fault jay has hanahaki..... but also she does feel a little bit responsible. sure jay messed up a lot recently and all of it is because he wanted to get back together with her and she doesnt like that.... but also..

learning about it put some things into perspective for her. like shes uncomfortable but jay has been hurt and is genuinely hurting still and she doesnt want to hurt him more and she wants to be gentle. so she starts thinking first. before she proceeds to deal with feelings

and so she starts really thinking about it. she was mad. she was mad jay kept so many secrets from them and endangered them all. and that he was STILL attached to her after all this time. shes still a little mad about that but also its subsiding a bit now....

if she really thinks about it.... jay had been respecting their break and her boundaries up until recently. in fact she only found out now, months later. jay actually did do a pretty good job of hiding those feelings. and not only that... his hanahaki.

that. she doesnt fucking understand how jay kept that a secret. ITS HANAHAKI. HOW DID HE HIDE IT FROM EVERYONE. ITS THE MOST VISIBLE DISEASE. maybe she did notice jay smothering a cough or clearing his throat every so often but to think it was hanahaki this entire time......

....when did it start even...? she can only assume that it was around their breakup. they eventually have a talk. a really important one that jay cant run away from. it takes a bit for jay to be fully honest and tell her that he started spitting petals when they were still together

she becomes mortified by that fact. and what that means. and she gains a bit of perspective of how the perfect match debacle looked from jays perspective. she really was.... a terrible girlfriend during all that huh.... to nya it felt like a clean break..... but to jay.... it left him pretty raw.

it didnt hit nya until know how much jay was hurt by the breakup even without considering the hanahaki. jay still loves her despite her cheating on him and making him fight over her because she couldnt decide? it seems that jay doesnt even care about that. doesnt even think she was a terrible girlfriend at the end of their relationship when she very much was. something is deeply wrong with jay (he loves her too much). jay hadnt been the best...... he had been really selfish and self centered. esp with the whole wish thing

but she comes to a realization that she was being really self centered too. its unfair for her to criticize jay for that when the very beginning of it all was because of nyas own selfishness. its unfair for jay to break up over something so stupid like a match making machine

of course part of it was still on jay. he should have still let go. you cant have a relationship in which only one person is in love. but.... she couldve gone about it in a better way. a way that wouldnt have hurt jay so much at the very least

he has apologized for everything involving nadakhan and keeping secrets.... maybe taking on more blame than he should.... nya owes jay an apology too. so at the very least she gives him a proper one. for her own faults

but she doesnt know how to fix jays hanahaki tho...... and to be honest? neither does jay. he tells her this. despite everything he didnt want to force her to love him. he didnt want to guilt her back into a relationship. he didnt want her to give him her pity also

thats part of the reason why he kept it a secret. he wanted to *win* her back. make himself more appealing so that nya would love him again. jay was super misguided in his approach and didnt understand why exactly nya broke up with him in the first place

but thats what he wanted... nyas genuine love. (im ignoring a tiny chip of canon for this. or im considering it a moment of weakness (jays dismay when he learns he cant wish for love). creative interpretation is that seeing his future in the mirror made him too hopeful and a bit desperate) anyways. jay is a hopeless romantic. who is extremely lovelorn. also hes chronically ill like literally. cut him a little slack

anyways anyways. i dont want nya to just get back together with him right after finding out about his hanahaki. its bad romance. it wont taste good. it wont be genuine.........

as it is...... of course theres multiple options................ but they arent all happy. and i do feel like. a story like this does need a happy ending..... it would be too sad if it remains unresolved. im just gonna talk about the ends that kinda suck first

most unsatisfying but technically still very plausible end: a standstill. nya cant do anything to help. she wants to but she cant return jays love. jay understands but decides keep living with the hanahaki. the two of them keep living in this awkward status quo, knowing.

eventually jays hanahaki gets too much for him to handle and he either dies or nya/the others take matters into their own hands and without his consent, send him to surgery bc hes dying. unethical maybe but they want him to live

its super awkward after that.... but things return to normal and they all forget about it except for nya, where it lays heavy in her mind forever. if he dies its just tragedy. i dont want this kinda of end

a potential good neutral end however can be one in which jay tries his best to simply move on. try to process his one sided love into something... different somehow. because he accepts that nya has fallen out of love with him. he has long accepted that.

but they talk........... and a lot happens (being pushed into the portal, the rest of skybound). and jay has a realization too. nya may not love him in the same way.... it doesnt mean she doesnt love him. she still cares deeply.....

she cares about him a lot as a friend. that love is still worth something. its..... its more than what jay thought nya felt about him. it honestly felt like their relationship get demoted all the way down back to acquaintances, at best coworkers. not technically. they were still friends. but jay felt a yawning distance between them after the break up. its one part nya distancing herself from jay after that whole disaster. its also another part jay keeping his distance so that nya doesnt learn about his hanahaki

whatever talk between them was either just ninja business, surface level casual conversations, or small talk. it was awkward but only when they dwelled on it... (and jay did dwell on it) but in the lighthouse they actually talk Talked about things... about them. and jay learns

nya sacrifices herself to save jay in the lighthouse and he realizes that he still matters to her. the everpresent tightness in his chest doesnt leave but it.... loosens. and he breathes easier for the first time in a while

he still wishes that nya and him could get together romantically. but something about his feelings changes. he feels less lovelorn somehow. his heart still yearns a little. but somehow he feels more okay. he hurts less

and once time turns back and jay and nya share this secret and finally properly reconcile after everything is done. the pain in his chest abates more and more as time goes on. hes not sure if hes exactly cured. but he can live without hurting now somehow

he learns how to live with his unrequited love. and more importantly he doesnt need his love to be requited anymore. because love is love you know? she doesnt love him romantically but she does still love him. and thats still good

they were always a little mismatched in their feelings for each other anyways. jay isnt settling for lesser. nyas love for him now is just different not less. and jay accepts that. and hes content that they managed to fix them. their relationship. hes okay and happy

his own feelings... he doesnt know if they changed themselves also like nyas has. he doesnt feel like his love has changed. but the nature of it mightve become more ambiguous. and it doesnt matter anyways. he loves nya and that will never change

hmmmm i think this became less of a neutral end and more just an unrequited good end. and accidentally poured so much aro juice into it oh my god? i had a good requited end thought up kinda also before this end i just talked about the end first bc i wanted to talk about requited end last

i kinda came to really like good unrequited end........ im still gonna talk about good requited end tho. i kinda want opinions about which end is narratively the best..... even though i only have a confident audience of two

i think requited end is a bit more dramatic..... nya really doesnt know what to do. she broke it off with jay. she wants to fix him. she really wishes he didnt get hanahaki for *her* of all people....

whats so great about her anyways that he would live like this for months on end be just ok with it. she thinks if she was in jays shoes she would long moved on. she doesnt get what is worth the pain and risk

either way she doesnt want to date him out of pity. she distinctly has a feeling that wouldnt actually fix anything. and probably jay doesnt want that too. but also she cant fabricate love

she feels suffocated by just the prospect and it reminds nya about why she dumped jay in the first place. this whole thing reminds nya why she dumped him. jays love was always too much for her. smothering. of course he gets hanahaki. why is she even surprised. if anyone would, its jay. she doesnt want to resent him for it though. hes hurting because of it. and he spared it from nya up to this point and she only found out because jay couldnt help it. who knows how much longer he wouldve kept this secret

but as is. she doesnt know what to do. so they stay in the lighthouse awkwardly together. they were honest with each other but now what? .....actually. curing hanahaki can come later. they gotta focus on saving their friends and all of ninjago first before they can deal with them

HHMMMMMMMM....... i think despite knowing about how much jay love her.... she doesnt really... Get It. HOW he loves her i mean. quantity vs quality. when they were first dating, to her it was really casual. in my mind jay was first attracted to nya shallowly too

but then he fell deeper. more genuinely. and that contributed to a greater discrepancy between their level of affection. nya for the most part has been believing that jays obsession with her is because hes just too clingy and attached. and like he is. but.... its like the product of the intensity of the emotion you know? his love for her manifested in jay in a way that put nya off a little. contributed to the reason why nya dumped him all those months ago.... having a heart to heart gave her some perspective on what it has been like for jay but

thats different from Understanding you know? comprehending... seeing the depth... anyways... so jay had been acting too chivalrous up to that point right? and then nya learns about jays hanahaki and chalks up his behavior to him overcompensating...... a symptom even

nya thinks its just jay trying his best to win her back. she doesnt really have that many reasons to think otherwise. its whats consistent. this all happened because jay wanted them to get together again. whatever, she has decided that shes going to forgive jay for all that, needless acts of chivalry included. even tho. she really doesnt like that. calls it a force of habit and puts it aside. for more Important Things like taking care of jay and taking nadakhan Down

but then they get found and theyre scrambling fast to prepare for the attack and counterattack. they manage to fall into a frantic but familiar routine of collaborative repairs and fixes and asides from jays incessant coughing reminding nya that things are pretty awful.... its nice

she doesnt get to feel that way for long tho. their haven is raided and their prep wasnt enough, theyre struggling, theres way too many pirates and its just the two of them against what feels like an army and theyre on the way to losing and nadakhan is nowhere to be found

they try to stick together to have each others backs but they get separated anyways and they start doing even worse. im changing up the action scene btw. nya manages sweep a bunch of pirates away but doubloon is one of the ones that could actually put up a fight

meanwhile jay isnt fairing very well and maybe worse because he was already injured and also his hanahaki makes it really hard. he fights for his breath trying to hold his own. he gets fucking smashed by dogshank through the floor onto the stairwell below. all the air is knocked from him

and he legitimately cant breathe for a solid moment. hes wheezing and he coughs hard enough to vomit. he doesnt have his breath back when he looks up and sees nya panicking at the sight of him and shes distracted and jay sees doubloon take an opening

jay doesnt even breathe when he instantly fires a lightning bolt from prone towards doubloon. and hes already up and sprinting to nyas side to fill her blindspot.

hes on the cusp of an asthma attack, he can feel it, but he doesnt have the time to worry about it (as if he had any control over it) his chest is tight and his breaths are too shallow and it hurts but he pushes through it to protect nya. hes slipping though

assaulted from all sides, between doubloon and dogshank and all the pirates, jay knows theyre going to lose. mostly because of him. hes dragging the two of them down and why did he ever think the two of them had the chance and why did he ever think that nadakhan would even come (hes not gonna this turned into a full divergence now) and even if he wasnt flagging hard now, he can feel it his chest that hes going to pass out if this goes on for any longer and leave nya to fend for himself and get them both captured and he cant let that happen.

nya is at her wits fucking end she can feel them losing too and nya refuses to think about how at this rate both of them are going down, but she wont let them. but, among the harsh clangs of weapons, the rush of floods, and the cracks of lightning at jays fingertips,

through all this discord, at this proximity she can hear jays struggled breaths and its the most terrifying sound in the world. then suddenly shes shoved to the side and hears a crash and a cry and when nya looks jays sliced through by doubloons sword

then something glows by her feet and nya realizes what jay did. he broke the teapot. clutching at his wound, jay gives nya a strained smile. he says "sorry" and kicks her in before she can object. before the portal closes she watches jay take a stand only to be subdued

she lands in the junkyard with a bad tumble. she just lies in the dust and dirt in shock. it happened too fast. jay sacrificed himself for her? jay risked himself even though he was the one who needed protecting and got himself hurt to pull that stunt.

and now hes in their clutches again. rage begins to well up. why! why?! why did jay do that?! is he stupid! there had to be a better way, they couldve escaped together and regrouped! tears begin to well up as well. nya gets up and smashes a bunch of junk

jays parents come out after that. and nya realizes where she is for the first time and forces herself to calm down. she sorts out her feelings over ednas soup after shes pulled into the trailer.....

at first she doesnt get it. shes too upset to think about it. she vents to jays parents about what he did. "why did he do that?" and it was meant to be a rhetorical question for herself but edna gives her an answer thats way too simple.

"because he loves you."

and nya is hit with another rude realization. shes been having too many of those

jay..... loves her. deeply. truly loves her genuinely, more than he cares about himself. its not just lingering attachment. its a deeper, more sincere love than nya could ever fathomed. nya knew how much jay loved her. but at the same time she didnt. she didnt get how he loved her

she feels a way about that. all this time jay loved her this bad? bad enough to catch hanahaki, bad enough to keep his hanahaki, bad enough to hide it. bad enough to *wish* for her love, to suffer, ang to get hurt for her...

she thinks he loves her bad enough to die for her. she really feels a way about that. her heart starts beating fast. she doesnt want to put together why. she kinda wants to cry.

why was she so mean to him... sometimes he deserved the little things he had coming but why was she so harsh. why did she fall out of love with him..... well she knows but also.... she was really unfair to him huh. jay wasnt perfect and he was too much but... she doesnt know.

all she knows is she feels a lot of regrets right now.. and moved by jay what did for her... along with this third unplaceable feeling.

(she started falling in love again)

its a slow gradual thing tho. nya doesnt place it immediately. she doesnt think she wanted to after she broke up with him herself. didnt even think it was possible.

but eventually nya feels very embarrassed by it when she realizes. because 1) oh my god shes falling in love with him after falling out of love and dumping him? is she shameless? and also 2) flustered because shes For Reals in love this time now beyond the casual kind of love she held for him before. this realizaton doesnt happen anytime soon. probs a good amount of time after everything resolves

so for narrative purposes i swapped jays and nyas roles for this last part of the story only. i think its safe to say jay is not treated kindly when he reboards the ship. in fact i think theyre even crueler for letting nya get away. before he was just roughed up to play with him

a form of coercion to get him to make his last wish. this time theyre taking it out on jay as punishment. nya assembles a rescue party like jay does in canon and somehow rescues jay and she hates the state that she finds him hes in

i think he'll be easier to rescue than nya because hes not like.... nadakhans bride. but wait..... WAIT NO IT COULD HARDER BECAUSE THEY COULD SET HIM UP AS BAIT FOR NYA TO COME GET HIM.... FUCK CURSE MY WHUMP DRIVEN BRAIN!!!!!!!!!! ITLL BE SO MUCH HARDER TO GET HIM LIKE THIS BUT—

THE IMAGE OF JAY BEING TIED/STRUNG UP IN PLAIN VIEW.... fuck. figuring it out is too hard and i dont even need to figure it out for the romance do i like goddammit. fucking sequencing..... maybe they get their friends out of the sword first.... somehow.

as for how they beat nadakhan..... i havent thought up a good way. i dont think it should go the same way as canon. i want nya to actually have her agency and not take it away again after ive given it to her.

i however dont know what jays wish should be. thats like so hard to figure out. this end is a significance divergence from canon. oh also jay has been thoroughly gagged so he cant say his wish. and also maybe because the pirates got sick of his coughing. nadakhans goal for torturing jay has changed.

he doesnt want him to break and submit and wish himself away anymore. he has better use in making sure nya comes to him. well he can still break him. its extra motivation. an incentive for nya to be a bit more faster and careless in her desperation to save him. he just shuts jay up also.

also im a sadist. anyways back to defeating nadakhan.... its a little tough ngl! for me and for nya! because this story has diverged so considerably. it cant have the same climax as canon. it just doesnt work. not even when theyre roleswapped

nya cant make a wish. she doesnt have anymore wishes. or hmm maybe she does have one left like jay does in this timeline but i dunno.... technically i could do that bc nya used up her wishes in only stupid ways so its not that hard of a change.

it changes their game plan in the lighthouse just a bit but in this version nadakhan doesnt even show up so story wise its a nonfactor. they both couldve made a wish and stopped things. but they dont get the chance to do that.

but either way nya having a wish is an option, not something thats set in stone. also i think nya gets a hold of the venom. either jay had passed it to her when he pushed her into the portal or it stayed on his person and was confiscated and nya obtained it because clancee told her about it. which ever works. man is jay doing rough in this au. hes suffering so many consequences....i think as hes bound and helpless, hes gonna have a lot of thoughts... and a lot of regrets

he wishes he never kept secrets, he wishes he didnt make things worse.... i think he wishes nya doesnt come and rescue him. because if she does and she gets captured and nadakhan marries her for infinite wishes then itll all be his fault. again. because nya risked herself for him

so jay hopes nya doesnt come. he wants her to be safe even if it means hes forever captured. its better than the worst case scenario.

but a tiny tiny tiny part of jay that is wishful does hope that he is rescued. because hes weak. he selfishly wants nya to save him

he shouldve learned by now that his desire for nya doesnt do him any good. but the part thats terrible and in love still wishes for better. he wants to be saved. he wants to be forgiven. he wants to fix things. he doesnt want to hurt anymore.

he thinks he can accept nya never loving him again. but he wants to stop aching in his chest. but he cant let go of his love. at this point its a part of who he is. so even though hes resigned to suffer and part of him foolishly hopes. he wishes

but jay doesnt get it. nya HAS forgiven him. she wishes she has never hurt jay like she did and if she could she would take it back. shes determined to fix things one way or any other. she has to save him or shes the worst. jay never deserved *all* of this.

once she saves him shes going to fix them. somehow.

and somehow they do. with a wish i cannot fucking figure out so SPARE ME. but i think... they dont go back in time. things arent undone and theres damage everywhere. so much repairs to be done. and theres a start to everything

i think i forgot to mention but at the end of unrequited good end, which honestly i think friendship end is a more fitting name, jay and nya hug at the end of skybound when time rolls back. no kiss. i think the same happens at the end of requited end too. time doesnt roll back but they have moment... hug.. but still no kiss. not yet. nya hasnt realized her feelings are changing. actually she might it takes a bit for them to develop. jay and nya start having a very honest relationship with each other tho

nya doesnt want to ignore jays hanahaki and jay comes to a similar conclusion as friendship/unrequited end. he realizes nya still cares for him A Lot as a friend, she cared so much she risked everything to walk into nadakhans trap guns blazin. and he doesnt want to jeopardize their friendship by distancing himself.

he wants things to be normal between them despite his hanahaki. and the funny thing is that... in this end, jays hanahaki gets somewhat more manageable too.... but its for a different reason in this au. lol. lol. because his feelings are becoming requited.

his hanahaki isnt suddenly gone one day because nyas feelings are so ambiguous tho. and when she does finally realize that shes fallen for jay. she actually goes into a bit of denial. for a mix of reasons.

its not because nya doesnt want to cure jay of his hanahaki. she just didnt think thats a thing that can happen. falling in love again. she was also so very sure that she didnt have feelings for jay anymore before so its also a pride thing she has going on. subconsciously, she doesnt want to take things back because shes stubborn.

and its also one part nya feeling like shes doing jay a little bit dirty somehow (her brain making her overthink in a twisted way) and that she wouldve been toying with jays feelings if she returns them now. after all this time has passed.

is she that fickle? (its not her being fickle) and nya cant quite place why she has feelings for jay again. nya feels like jay probably deserves someone better than her, someone who hasnt hurt him so bad.

nya has trouble understanding herself so she thinks shes being flaky and worries her feelings are flaky also and she doesnt want to hurt jay again with such uncertain feelings. i am making nya feel so fucking complicated and conflicted. FEELINGS ARE OFTEN AS SUCH!!!

but despite nya's internal turmoil, her feelings for jay are very genuine. she might think they are arbitrary but thats not quite the case. well her love is arbitrary as any other love is. but anyways. she fell again because jay did win her over, not even when he was trying to.

his sincere love... his dedication. when nya saw it in a different light it was attractive to her. she appreciates that jay loves her the way he does now. also before (the breakup) her love for jay was a bit shallow. it was just that casual. but now what she feels for jay is more genuine. and more equal. eventually she sorts it out. there might be some of romantic drama to get her to get there though. a bit more accidental hurt.

i had the tangential thought that jay might tell nya that his hanahaki is getting better causing her to go "on no". jays finally letting go of his feelings over for her and nya doesnt want to mess that up. hes finally recovering when she catching feelings again?

of course this would happen to her. shes glad but shes wistful she missed her chance at having a boyfriend who truly cares about her like jay does.... serves her right. .... nya is an idiot lol... jays is getting better bc of her skdjhtrglksdj. anyways

eventually... they talk. and sort it all out. all the hurt and feelings and love. nya opens up and confesses and jay cries about it lol. because this is all he had ever wanted ever since he fell in love with nya. the elation he feels is unparalleled. and tightness in his chest finally vanishes all together and he feels better than he has in ages. of course he says yes. he tells nya things to erase her doubts. and it took a lot of trouble to get here but theyre here now. together again for reals. and neither of them can believe it.

they hold hands. and they finally kiss

I THINK. THATS THE END OF REQUITED END. WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT MY THOUGHTS FOR THIS END WERE INITIALLY MUCH SHORTER, SHORTER THAN, UNREQUITED/FRIENDSHIP END? ON GOD. WHAT HAPPENED. ITS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE REQUITED END REALLY NEEDED FULLY BEAT OUT DEVELOPMENT. OR ELSE I COULDNT BE SATISFIED WITH IT. IM A LITTLE EMBARRASSED BY WHAT I CAME UP WITH FEELS KINDA SAPPY BUT I CANT TELL IF IT IS. IM ARO. THIS ISNT MY HOME TURF. BUT I WANTED REQUITED END TO BE ACTUALLY VIABLE WITHOUT FEELING FORCED.... I WANTED TO BE AS SATISFIED WITH THIS AS I AM FOR UNREQUITED END. AND ENDED UP NEEDING TO PUT IN 100 TIMES THE WORK SDJKTUFHIGTLSDKJ. I THINK I ACCOMPLISHED WHAT I WANTED THO...... I THINK ITS OKAY..........

okay. im finally picking flowers. ive been thinking about it a bit while i wrote this whole thing. it wasnt a priority. but i do wanna pick some flowers that fit this story....

had the thought that depending on the end of this au (... i have aus within my au huh....) jay actually has different flowers. different meanings and symbolism.

i want jays primary flower to be an anemone for the record. “forsaken love”. nods. thats pretty representative of jays love for like. 3 seasons. also.... shares a name with the ocean animal. water... small connection with nya... not directly representative of her but it does a little. anemone has a few other meanings as well and i think those can fit too depending on the end. but the primary meaning im using is forsaken love (apparently its specifically the red and pink ones that mean this. please do note all these flower language resources are pretty inconsistent from each other)

tragic death end- anemone (specifically red- also means death), red poppy (remembrance in death), red spider lily (am i going too ham with the death flowers? yes. would jay see this as an ill omen? definitely. however. symbolism. also this bouquet is just So red. with blood lol)

tragic lost love (surgery) end- anemone, yellow chrysanthemums (broken/slighted love), black dahlia (betrayal), narcissus (unrequited love, selfishness), rue (regret), i would add forget me nots if i didnt think it doesnt fit with the colors

friendship/unrequited end- anemone, yellow rose (bros the meaning of the yellow rose is so fucking loaded LMAO. friendship, infidelity (nya), undying love? the wiki sure lists a lot), dandelion (overcoming hardship, growth, hope, and healing, friendship)

requited end- anemone, sea lavender (remembrance/memory, sympathy, i love you), sea holly (independence (nya) and attraction (jay)). okay so i dunno if a bouquet of these would look good together per se but.... ocean theme.... and also i wanted the flowers to rep both jay and nya in meanings.... since this is the end in which theyre together after all....

flower language is fucking hard. but i cant NOT put sincere thought into it. its fucking hanahaki i feel like i Gotta. btw these arent 100% set in stone i might change my mind about them? but i do really like anemone tho.... and tangential thought hgtjbnfjkghl sea holly would be fucking AWFUL for jay to cough up. esp when he starts spitting full flowers. those look like they hurt. just like what its like to love nya (lol). flower that would definitely make him cough blood

anyways..... if you made it to the end of this..... thank you.... this post is literally over 7600 words. thats like a long one shot. this is more like a fic outline tho. anyways anyways.... madness legit descended upon me while i wrote this all. i hope you enjoyed. i did this for my self satisfaction but if other people enjoyed this also i kinda wanna know

holds up a glass. cheers to jays suffering and heartbreak

(og thread here)

#ninjago talk #oh also. if you read all this. tell me which ending you like....#jem.txt #..... feel like i need a tag for this kind of stuff but what....#my concepts #thatll do #jaya #ninjago #im holding back on character tags i cant do that im embarrassed as is

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mggpleasedontlookhere · 4 years ago

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helping heart

request: hi so i have chronic migraines, which means at least once a month (sometimes more) i get a migraine that is so bad that my vision is blurred and sometimes i even puke. and so i just got over one and i was wondering if you could write a mgg fic where he helps the reader through one? cause that would be great :) thank you!!

word count: 1,607 reading time aprox: 6 mins

masterlist

My brain pulsated at an inhuman rate, thumping against the walls of my skull. Waves of agony spasmed throughout my head, reverberating through the soft muscle that resided in it. I forcibly shut my eyes, shielding them from any source of light, despite me already cornered in a dark room.

I sat in Matthew’s trailer waiting for him to finish a few of his scenes. But what I didn’t know was that I would have to push through an oncoming migraine alone. I shuddered in the white fluffy blanket that was wrapped around me, it smelled of pumpkin spice and Matthew’s worn out cologne. A buzz coming from the fridge invaded my sensitive ears, making the entire experience more intolerable.

I feebly pulled the covers over my head, drowning myself in my own darkness. An inaudible whimper escaped my lips, a reflex from the oscillating intensity of my migraine. I curled up in the fetal position, feeling my stomach begin to cramp up. I felt the bile begin to build up like plaque in the back of my esophagus, threatening to spill over any moment.

Suddenly the door opened, letting light protrude from the outside. Matthew’s soothing voice met my ears, amused at the high pitched voice cracks in between his words. Despite my relief at his presence, my body continued to throb at an agonizing rhythm.

“Okay thanks again BJ- no, yeah I’ll- I’ll see you in a few, bye” He laughed, sending chills down my spine from the volume at which he spoke. Usually I would have no problem with the gregarious ferocity of his voice, but my circumstances limited me to a shrill feeling in my eardrums. “Huh...why is this-” He flipped on the light switch, eliciting a groan from me.

“Matthew can you turn that back off please?” I meekly requested, shutting my eyes tighter than they already were. I flipped around on my stomach, stuffing my face into the pillow under me.

“Hey baby- migraines again?” He asked, shuffling closer to where I was after he had dimmed the lights. “Do you need anything?” He asked, kneeling down beside me; his voice came out like a whisper: soft and pacified.

A muffled ‘no’ slipped passed my lips while the cushions I laid on sunk, indicating that Matthew had sat himself at my feet. He ran his fingers up and down the side of my ankle in a tender manner, humming a calming melody in the process.

“How was filming?” I croaked, feeling the muscles in my throat tense up at the utterance of my words while I turned around to face him.. My voice was raspy with phlegm from not speaking all day, earning a concerned look from Matthew.

“It was pretty okay. I have a few more scenes to shoot and I’m done for the day” He declared, reaching his arms out to invite me into his embrace. I gracefully accepted his offer, fitting perfectly into the vast space of his arms. I breathed in his scent, basking in the instant gratification I received from the warmth that embodied him.

“What else did you do today?” I wrapped my arms around his waist, looking up at him from below his shoulder. My head rested perfectly against his chest as I inquired about his daily adventures.

“I got brunch with AJ, bothered Aubrey [Plaza] a little bit, and antagonized a toddler. You know all the normal things” He confessed, earning a stifled laugh from me.

“Sounds like your day was eventful” I replied, nuzzling my head into his blazer. I felt the cotton fibers brush against my cheeks, sending a tickling sensation down my nose. He placed a longing kiss to the top of my head, using his hand to brush away the tangled hair that had accumulated when I was resting.

“Yeah it was…” He whispered, muffling his voice in my hair. “But it would’ve been better with you” He sweetly confessed, placing a finger under my chin to pull me into a chaste kiss. “See...already much better” He joked after he pulled away.

A faint blush made its way to the apples of my cheeks, shaking my head in wonder at how this man still made me feel nervous after two years of putting up with him. My fingertips hovered over the crevice of his neck, feeling the individual spikes of stubble graze my skin.

“Are you sure you don’t need anything?” He asked once again, caressing my cheek with his thumb.

Before I could nod and reassure him, a wave of nausea washed over me causing the contents in my stomach to be regurgitated. I pushed myself off of Matthew forcefully, sprinting to the small bathroom in his trailer. I struggled to pull my hair out of my face as my stomach acid burned the layering skin of my throat. I choked and wheezed, feeling my body weaken at the sudden expulsion of liquid. I hadn’t even realized that Matthew stood behind me propping my hair up into a ponytail until he had laid a consoling hand on the small of my back.

I groaned in pain, tears trailing down my cheeks as I shut down entirely. I prayed for the ache to stop, hoping that my migraine would end up in the toilet just as my lunch did. Saliva dripped down my chin, making the scene an unattractive mess. Matthew handed me a paper towel afterwards, letting me clean myself off while he waited by the door.

Once I finished, I opened the door with an embarrassed grimace. My eyes were still sunken and grim because of all the crying that I did, my cheeks flushed alongside it. I whimpered, falling into Matthew’s arms while he whispered positive affirmations.

“Let me take care of you bubs” He declared, swooping me up bridal style and carrying me to the bed in the back of his trailer. He set me down, bringing a few fluffy blankets to adjust my comfort. He kissed my forehead before leaving the small room to fetch something.

I trailed my hands along the soft sheets of his bed, letting each fiber in my body focus on the warmth that the covers provided me rather than the discomfort that flooded my body. I was still dizzy from my trip to the bathroom, my vision a bit too wonky and disoriented for my liking.

With the sound of shuffling feet, Matthew made his way back to the bedroom with a hot cup of tea and a heated eye mask. “I thought this would help alleviate the pain a little bit” He smiled sheepishly, causing my heart to inflate at the small sentiment.

I kissed his cheek as a sign of gratitude, immediately grabbing the heated eye mask out of his hands. He laughed at my haste, sitting down next to me at the edge of the bed.

“Is there anything else you need?”

“I have all that I need here” I professed, leaning my head against his hip. “Come cuddle” I demanded, making grabby hands at him. He playfully groaned in response, curling up next to me as he pulled me to his chest. He peppered kisses on the top of my head, exhaling in reprieve as he finally was able to share a moment with the woman he loved.

“You know what Y/N?”

“What is it?” I beckoned, my mouth muffled in his shirt.

“At least you weren’t throwing up because you’re pregnant” He teased, pushing a few stray hairs off my forehead.

“Is that something you’re interested in? Getting pregnant?” I implied, nudging him jokingly. His throat vibrated against my head while he laughed, a few straggled coughs escaping his lips at my suggestion.

Silence engulfed the room, leaving the both of us in each other's arms. The feeling of security I felt in Matthew’s arms was inexplicable, reveling in the fact that I was able to be beside this man. Love radiated from the both of us as we were grateful for each other's company.

“I wouldn’t mind” He spoke up, breaking the comfortable silence. I hummed against his chest in confusion, looking up at him to proceed. “I wouldn’t mind if we had a little kid to have around” He confessed, pressing his lips on my forehead.

“Weren’t you just yelling at a toddler before you got in here” I quipped.

“To be completely fair, I think the guy was sent in to replace me on the show” He laughed.

“Well if that was ever the case, then you’d have more time to spend if we ever had a little one to take care of” I replied, diverting the conversation back to the subject we were tip-toeing around earlier.

“That would be really nice” He cherished the idea while I pictured a world where Matthew was a dad and where I was lucky enough to start a life with him.

“I’m so lucky to have you Y/N”

“Well I’m even luckier to have someone take care of me even if I almost got puke all over their wardrobe” I teased, nuzzling into him further. “But I love you so much goobs”

“Did you just call me goob-”

“Shut up, I literally professed my love to you and all you do is complain?”

He chuckled, pulling me in closer to him, wrapping the covers around the both of us, creating a perfect environment for slumber. Both of our breathing steadied, letting the heaviness of our eyes take control. With the last few conscious huffs of air, Matthew whispered a few words that explained all that he felt.

“I love you even more”

taglist: @rexorangecouny @howdycharlie @linthebinbag @honeymilk-4

cute lil fluffy one since i’ve been so angsty

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animeraider · 4 years ago

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I get a lot of flack from anti-vaxxers, anti-maskers, and other fuckwits about my words on the COVID-19 Pandemic and in particular the response to it in the US. I pull no punches about it, I believe firmly that the previous administration and ANYONE who enables them and their policies are complicit in the deaths of all of these people. They belong in prison.

I'm not going to fucking apologize for believing that. The fault for all of this belongs directly in the laps of the Republican Party. If you believe otherwise, you're WRONG. I can bring the receipts.

I've been pretty isolated during all of this. I went into lockdown on March 11, 2020 and I'm technically still there. I now work from home, and even though I've been fully vaccinated for two months now I still go out masked. I may never eat at a buffet again. Sorry Sizzler, but I've learned how to make your cheese bread.

I ripped a tendon in my left knee in May of 2020. I had to go to the hospital, but I was out in a few hours with crutches. I would joke with people that I'm now out of hinged joints to break.

But in July my cough returned with an attitude, and I picked up an infection. Not Covid, but it all made me pretty sick. So that you understand, I have what's called "Chronic Cough Syndrome". I've had it since I was 8. No one knows the cause or the cure. Believe me, we've looked. I just start coughing, and after a few months, I stop. It can be treated but I just have to live with it until someone comes up with something we haven't tried before.

Doctors have gotten into fistfights over whether or not I have Asthma. I don't, but sometimes Asthma medications work for a bit. To be honest, I've had this for so long that sometimes I don't even notice when I cough. It's just part of the wonder of being me.

I took the Pandemic seriously. I stayed home, I socially distanced, I got real familiar with teams, bluejeans, and zoom. I did a LOT of cooking. Started making bread. Watched the country fall apart at the seams and commented on it from my own little pocket of safety. I contributed a new song to a fund-raising effort for nurses. I did my part to stay safe, but my cough had other ideas.

Anyway, this time my coughing got pretty severe and I finally agreed to go to the hospital. As stated above, turns out I had picked up an infection. Combine that with my cough and I showed all of the symptoms of a severe case of COVID-19.

I'd been careful, but the hospital staff were all very cross with me. If I had COVID, I just exposed all of them, and the main nurse who tended to me had already been quarantined that same month for a different exposure. When the test came back negative the tension in the emergency ward calmed down immensely and everyone treated me kindly and professionally - I was a patient with something they knew what to do with and didn't bring plague into their house.

I spent 4 days in the hospital but the worst part, scariest part, was the wait to move from the Emergency Room to a private room. I came to the hospital in the late afternoon. I finally got my bed nearly 12 hours later, a good 8 hours after my test for COVID had come back negative.

I needed to be hospitalized, and needed a bed, and there weren't any. I had to wait for someone to either be discharged or to die.

I got my bed at 4 in the morning. Someone had died. Musical chairs was played and I was finally moved out of the Emergency Room.

It's really hard to understand how sobering that is without experiencing it. Many years ago, before we even knew about AIDS, I had the honor of donating blood and seeing it get used in a surgery mere minutes later. I became a regular blood donor at that moment - I felt so happy and alive that my blood had been used to save a life mere minutes after I had donated it (I'm O Negative) that I became a life-long believer. I donated every time I was eligible from that moment forward until a blood infection disqualified me from ever donating again 20 years later.

This was just the opposite. The guy with a cough and a treatable infection had to wait for someone on a ventilator to stop breathing. Someone with COVID died so that I could get a bed. They never knew this had happened, and I never learned who they were. Some random person died so that I could get better.

Try sleeping after that realization hits you. I couldn't. I barely slept the entire time I was there.

Despite the fact that I wasn't in the "COVID Ward" I got to see the effects first-hand. The newly disinfected bed and room I had was previously occupied by someone moved up to the Covid Ward. They in turn had moved up there after a ventilator was taken away from a patient who died. Staff rotated through different wards on different shifts. My first nurse was rotated into the Covid Ward. My next day nurse had just rotated out. I have never in my life seen a group of people look so haunted by their day to day lives.

A well-liked member of their staff was on a ventilator. So was a priest who worked in the hospital. I had never seen in person a "Code Blue". There were six of them my first day. There is also a "Code Black". It's much worse.

My wife and daughters weren't allowed to visit me. When your daily soundtrack is nothing but medical staff talking about the good and the bad, terrible television and the moaning/screaming of your new neighbors getting that visit from family is a huge stress relief. It wasn't available this time. I didn't see my family again until I was discharged. There was no outside world.

I admit that being in hospital during all of this, even though I myself didn't have COVID, shook me. When you're in hospital mostly what you deal with is yourself and your own condition, and getting the hell out of there as soon as you can. This time I was not only aware of the people around me, their conditions, their suffering and their recoveries, but I was also aware that a whole section of the building was dedicated to people who were going to die, and that the people who were treating me were also treating them.

This was as close as I got to the Pandemic. When I got home I fucking STAYED THERE. I went to the grocery store and the pharmacy and that was it. That was life for MONTHS.

Our grocery store was fantastic - they enforced social distancing and masks with gusto. They cleaned EVERYTHING. It had been a 24 hour store but converted to shorter hours so that the down time could be spent cleaning. Aisles were made one-way.

The first time I saw someone in the parking lot without a mask I have to admit that I lost it. I screamed at them (a white couple about my age), "PUT YOUR FUCKING MASKS ON YOU FUCKING MORONS!" Understand, I'm a fairly large man with a deep voice and have been a professional singer for decades and have played sax even longer. I'm loud and imposing. Everyone within 50 feet turned and stared at the couple. Okay, me first then the couple.

It's possible they didn't speak English. They exchanged a few words in Russian to each other and then masked up.

I've been known to let my temper show. I try not to because I know it's there and I know it's terrible. I've worked for decades to keep it in check and I just let it all out, screaming at a couple of rando Karens 20 feet away from anyone else who hadn't put their masks on yet. I had to acknowledge that this affected me profoundly. I'm dealing with that.

I've lost friends to COVID. One of my neighbors spent almost 3 months on a ventilator and survived it. Some of my friends have lost family. It hurts. It all hurts. It has changed me.

Some of you have noticed that I've been pretty productive in 2021 in terms of music, after not releasing material for over a decade. This whole experience has changed me, changed my perspective. I was already an angry liberal but I'm far angrier and much more liberal now than I was. The album I worked on forever essentially no longer exists. The person I am now couldn't make that album. I am excising demons and allowing the new to come in and take its place.

And you know what, so far, I'm okay. I'm still here. I intend to stay. In fact, what I intend to be the first song from my next album in its own way deals with the fact that I don't understand depression - I've never experienced it.

But I have to admit that I'm grateful to have family and friends in my life who accept me as I am, who provide unconditional love and support and I hope I do for them. I have the occasional doubt that I'm as good a friend/family member as I can be. I can be an ass sometimes.

(A couple of my long-time friends have just done spit-takes. "Sometimes????")

Because the scariest thing about what we've all been through - what I've been through - is that we have changed so much that I'm not sure that the people who know me best would be my friends if they met me as the person I am now. I am changed.

And the odds are pretty good that you have too. This is something we're all going to need to deal with, or we're lost.

Please, don't be lost.

And because it still needs doing, because the pandemic is still going strong as ever among the anti-vaxxers, the science deniers and the Republicans, please support our nurses. Here's the album I'm on that is still to this day, long after falling off the charts, raising money for them:

#Spotify

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shelleyvanniekerk · 4 years ago

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Cant find a fitting title ???

I have not blogged much of late, mainly because I feel like a stuck record and also I don't think people have time to read blogs much anymore, and my topic is rather depressing to say the least. I hate to always sound like I am complaining, but somehow writing about what goes on in your head allows it to make sense for yourself so you don't think you going mad, and maybe sometimes it hits home for others, and they can look at things with a different view and have a little bit more understanding.

So my question is this. Imagine you were told you had a terminal disease, and there is no cure. And the only thing that may extend your life (for no guaranteed time), is medication that you have to take daily. That's not too bad you might think, I mean most people are on some sort of medication for a chronic condition and the meds may be life saving. But add to that, that this medication has no guarantee, and hellish side effects! You also have to go for monthly injections, monthly blood tests, and three monthly scans, and oncology visits to hear the outcome. I'm on my 16th cycle now so its been just over a year that this has been gone on. I cant count how many times I have been poked by needles and how many pills I've swallowed, and how many scans/tests I've had and how many times I've had to sit at the Doctors rooms waiting for results. The worst is I've done it all pretty much alone, because of Covid I've not been allowed to take anyone with me. And yes on top of all this you have Covid to worry about. You are high risk and so as if you don't have enough to worry about there is a virus going around killing people also, and guess what, it affects the lungs.

So my cancer has spread to my lungs and in the beginning they said spine, ribs and right femur. They have since ruled out spine as what they saw on the scans was a life long issue with my discs, even though I told them that in the beginning, they are more likely to assume its cancer. They don't comment on the ribs anymore - I am assuming since they haven't responded to the treatment that it is not cancer and the right femur we don't know about because they have not done another full body scan to actually check that.

I've made peace with the fact that I have to take the pills daily, it is after all a small price to pay for extended life. Although sometimes when I have a few wines in, (yes I drink), I get really annoyed with it and have violently thrown the tablets around some nights spewing out some vulgar language about how much I hate taking them. I have to diarize each time I take them, so obviously I do take them and at the same time everyday, 6h30 each night to be exact.

What I cant seem to make peace with is for starters, the monthly injections. Mostly because they are painful and its not a pleasant experience being jabbed in the stomach each time and you left with a nasty bruise. Sometimes the bruise from the month before is still there and then you get the next bruise. I have the decision of having my ovaries removed, that way I wont need the monthly jabs anymore, but again that's surgery, and now with Covid I don't really want to go to hospital unnecessarily any time soon. But I do get dreadful pains in the ovaries, much like a period and that just makes me mad, I mean, why do I need to put up with unnecessary pain? But its something I will do before the end of the year I think. That will sort one issue out at least. Well two, considering the pain.

Also I have not made peace with the scans and the results.... it really is a difficult thing for me. Its called in cancer terms, scanxiety and yes it exists its not something I made up. And the thing is because its every three months, its like you in a never ending cycle of anxiety. I never relax. I can never sit back and be complacent and think ‘everything is ok’, because with cancer you just never know. I mean 7 years ago I was stage one, it didn't go to the lymph nodes where it apparently goes first if it does spread, and I had a mastectomy and chemo and radiation and and and - and I thought back then that its all over. But it wasn't was it. It went to the lungs and I found out myself because I could not stop coughing and went to see a new GP who suggested bloods. Funny that my oncologist never did bloods - she said they just don't do them and a physical examination is good enough. Well clearly its not. Clearly. If anyone is ever in this situation demand blood tests.... at least every three months. I think its very necessary to keep a record of your cancer count. I mean how the hell else are you supposed to know what's going on it your body? Had they picked it up 3 years ago when I had a normal chest x-ray and started me on treatment then, maybe things would have been different. Who knows.

And that brings me to the anger. That on top of the anxiety. Its the anger that I cant deal with. I thought I had dealt with it but every time I hit a wobbly, its very evident to those around me, especially my husband who gets the brunt of it, that I have not dealt with the anger. But then again, how can you? How can you make peace with the fact that you did everything you should have, and then this nasty disease still decided to come back. How do you make peace with the negligence on the doctors side? And how do I make peace with the fact that this is my lot in life and nothing I do can change it. I mean I love the fact that some people can become NED (no evidence of the disease) after being stage 3 or 4.... and apparently they do so with various things. But its not the case for everyone. Some peoples bodies just don't respond to any diet, any miracle pill, any exercise, and it just keeps spreading elsewhere. And trust me its not for lack of trying. I do follow a reasonably good diet, I do try exercise and drink water, I do take vitamins and constantly searching for new things. I do take cannabis oil, and I'm forever trying to incorporate natural things that have proven to have good results for cancer like turmeric, ginger, bicarb and lemon blah blah blah. The only thing I have been consistent on is the cannabis because it took me from being on 3 patches of morphine to almost no pain in a matter of months so I truly believe in its benefits.

And so far after about 14 months (or more I don't know) I have had good results. Meds and all. There has been about 40% shrinkage and there is no new cancer so that is great news. But I'm at a point now that no matter the results, even though they have been good and I'm very grateful, I still feel so defeated. I cannot get excited and jump up for joy, purely because A) I am anxious about what lies ahead and B) because I've been disappointed before. I've been misdiagnosed and been through so much already that even though its good news I just cant find inner peace, happiness or joy right now. The anxiety outweighs everything, and I wish I could shake it off somehow, but I just cant. I am constantly reminded of cancer, and I'm constantly going for scans and bloods and tests that one never gets to a point where you can forget, even for just a little while. Why cant I just be happy and forget about all this, just for a little while?

I've tried to hand things over to God, I talk to him daily. He knows my struggle. I so hate people who say you don't have enough faith... gosh, whatever. Some people just need a kick up the arse for their insensitivity. They don't know my relationship with God and let me tell you if you were in my shoes you would be quivering in your shoes also, and trust me faith is hard to find when you got all this going on!

So I wake up scared and I go to bed scared and the anxiety is just the pits. And I just try to the best of my ability to function like a normal person, wife, mother, friend, daughter etc. But this thing has seriously taken over my personality. Most of the time I'm faking everything and its so exhausting. So so exhausting. This Covid hasn't helped because that in itself has presented new challenges and has made life rather depressing on top of everything else. But here we all are, trying hard to keep our heads above water and plod on despite the horrible stuff happening around us.

I am however exceptionally lucky to have a very understanding husband and some really awesome friends. There are a few people in my life that truly understand and never judge me. There are also some who have no clue and they judge me for sure behind my back. I'm not too worried about the judgements because you know, none of us are perfect and if you think you are then you have a big surprise when God Almighty comes down one day soon and tells you what a terrible person you have been.... (eeek, I am judging now too). But I am very grateful to those who have stuck around despite my Wobblies, who genuinely care and love me despite my craziness. You know who you are and I love you so so so very much. And of course my daughter who keeps me on my toes. Without her I would be locked up in an asylum pleading with the nurses to let me go!

To anyone and everyone who is going through a similar journey (I hate that word) , I get you, I totally get you. I love you and I pray for you. And most of all I wish I could make everyone’s pain go away.

Blessings and love always

Shelley

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technicolordeams · 5 years ago

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June 7, 2020

“I'm the girl nobody knows until she commits suicide. Then suddenly everyone had a class with her.” - Tom Leveen, Party

This has been my status on discord for about a month now. It just feels too relevant to me at these times.

I know I said I was going to update my blog back in May, but it’s taken me until now to get to doing it. Things have been hectic both with me and in the world. I am dealing with emotional trauma still (But I’m not going to talk about it on here. I do not feel safe enough to do so and I’m going to keep it to myself, my therapists, parents, and pastors at my church. Maybe two other people that I know too. Some people know that something went down with me recently but I won’t spread it around anymore. I’d rather not deal with anything... But it has caused me to have renewed trauma from when I was growing up. Surprisingly I don’t have an association with a girl I considered my best friend for seven years who turned out to be a pathological liar and manipulator. I guess I was able to get closure with that one and just be done with it. But the ones from before that... It just brings those back up. Anyways, I won’t go into any further detail about that in this blog.)

So I’ll try to summarize things a bit... But I’ve never been good at keeping things short. xD

First off, in November of 2019 I started having really bad pains in my stomach. Just... horrific pain. (Before this started, I was working getting a job with the aid of a job coach.) I landed in the ER a total of 4 times, could have been 5 but that fit wasn’t as bad and went away after a couple hours. But in December after my 3rd ER visit to get pain relief and more testing... and some morphine (sorry but this stuff was good. But I know limitations and wasn’t going to the ER for it. It was strictly to ease the pain so I could rest) I had a couple tests done... I FINALLY got an x-ray of my stomach and it showed I had a slightly inflamed gallbladder. Before this, the nurse that was working with me and my parents just believed I was having constipation and I was being too sedentary. That miffed me big time. I remember coming home one day from shopping for groceries and such that my mom was just telling me off about how I need to exercise more... (I have a fear that is ingrained in my head over exercising. Thanks Children’s ED center.) I just went to my room, no lights, didn’t take my jacket off at all, just curled up on my bed and cried as quietly as I could even though I wanted to wail. I was sick of people not believing me when things aren’t going right with my body and I have been mistreated for many things. I didn’t want to hear this from my parents. There was something wrong and I needed help. I did end up getting a HIDA scan after meeting with a surgeon who said the x-ray wasn’t enough proof that there was something wrong and didn’t want to do anything drastic that possibly won’t help me. But I got the HIDA scan which confirmed that there was something wrong with my gallbladder and on my birthday (Horray horray. Legit though I was so happy) I was approved for surgery to get it removed. The surgeon cut my gallbladder open and found A LOT of small gallstones. He was kind of shocked. Over all of this... I lost probably 10lbs? max? Either way, enough to be concerning to me. Now I’m using this experience to get my parents to actually freaking listen to me when I say I’m having problems and that it needs addressed as quickly as possible and quit dragging your damn feet and believe ME.

Also from the surgery, they had to put a breathing tube down my throat. But something happened and has caused me to have chronic coughing fits where I couldn’t even breathe without coughing. And because of my phobia of throwing up, I didn’t want to eat so I started to restrict for a while. Lots of testing was done to figure out what was wrong there... I got an asthma test and it showed that I had a breathing abnormality but the ENT doctor the day before gave me steroids to help. Said it wouldn’t affect my asthma test the next day. It did. :) Had to wait until May to get retested and another test done. The steroids did help for a while... But getting to that point I had been seeing my regular doctor and he gave me a stronger cough medicine that gave me auditory hallucinations... That was terrifying. So I quit that. Was put on another cough medicine that had a controlled substance in it to suppress my cough. It helped... but not enough. In the end since I didn’t want to wait until May to get tested, my doctor got me an inhaler. It actually has helped a lot. I still cough, but it’s not to the gagging/can’t breathe point anymore. I was very scared and stressed and made my dad take me to get lots of tests. Even speech therapist. Due to the covid-19 threat though, I have been heavily isolating myself at home and my asthma test that I was supposed to get last month got canceled/put off to a later date. So I’m stuck paying for an inhaler at full price because insurance is a dick. Anyways that’s that...

In April, I got a puppy. I finally got a dog that I had been thinking about for months and praying for... His name is Echo and he is a yellow lab. The first couple weeks were absolute hell. He would get up at random hours of the night and needs constant supervision. He’s almost 4 months now, but he’s still very much a puppy. He knows sit, stand, down, looks at me if I call his name with a treat in my hand so he’s recognizing his name... And sometimes off when he will listen. I have plenty of bite marks on my hands and stuff xD I had to have an extreme learning curve on how to take care of him. He doesn’t have accidents in the house as much as before, he will usually indicate he needs to go potty by sniffing around and pacing or going to the door and looking at me like, ‘human. I must defecate.’ xD And he’s got quite the attitude. Which I don’t mind as long as he’s not ripping my clothes or biting me or jumping at me. Dad has stepped in to help me during the mornings take care of him since I’m not sleeping well. Which has helped me out a lot. He’s doubled in size already and I’m so happy with how he’s acting for the most part. The past couple days this past week we’ve learned how the hose works and how to have fun in it since it’s so hot outside. (Also learned I’m allergic to grass. Yay.) But there were several days where I was so stressed and scared that I couldn’t keep up with him and take care of him and I’d have to give him away... But I already invested so much money in him and time and have already fallen in love with him, I won’t give him up. Right now he’s sleeping under my desk as I write this post. Lots of the time though I have to force myself to pretend to be happy and praise him and play with him and teach him what to do and what not to... And it’s emotionally exhausting. Especially this past week.

I had a couple triggers the past two weeks. One was a possible fractured toe from jamming it super hard into the corner of my desk... Another I was woken to Echo making a horrific gagging noise that scared the shit out of me. Then I’ve been working with a grief counselor this past month in addition to regular therapy (obviously over video chat because of infection chances...) for extra support. Thankfully it’s pro bono so I don’t have to pay anything and neither does any of my insurances. But while working on a section in my WRAP plan (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) there was a part where I just started shutting down and falling apart. The Crisis Plan. “This is what I look like when I’m well:” That is where everything started falling apart. It has been like 7 months since I have felt well at all. I can identify what it looks like when things get too bad to handle on my own for the most part... but when I was asked about if my behavior endangers or has negative effects on me or others I want my supporters to... I locked up. I realized I do not really have anyone who I can go to for any sort of help. My therapist is the only one I can go to really about anything, but I can’t get the amount of help that I need from just her. She has told me that if there was no virus threat and that I was in a different city, she would recommend me to go to a mental health program there... That’s how bad I’ve gotten.

In December my suicidal thoughts have sprung back up and I have withdrawn slowly and then faster from everyone. My parents don’t know how to handle me when I’m dealing with emotional distress... They are not very knowledgeable about mental illnesses and are pretty cold to emotional reactions. Sometimes mean. I love them very much yes and I know they would do whatever they could to help me... but when I need support from them specifically, things just go downhill. And I no longer have people I consider friends online anymore. I don’t feel safe to call anyone that right now. A girl from my church who was also in the Bible study I was attending before covid hit has been trying to reach out to me. Her and another lady at church are the only ones really actually reaching out to me. My pastor only stepped back into the picture after I posted asking for prayer for me since I called the suicide hotline the night before. And the things he has said to me already have been rather infuriating. Which makes me feel resentful towards the church I’m attending. That and the fact that nobody else actually reaches out to me at all. I know life has been thrown upside down and many have their own families with small children and such... It just feels very two-faced sometimes. I know that’s my distorted thinking kicking in as well... But it’s there and nobody’s around to disprove it. I am very grateful for the one girl who has been trying hard to reach out to me and encourage and just be there, but I know she knows little about the world and the crap in it and has experienced much if it first hand so far. But God bless her she really does try and care. My therapist has talked with my pastor after I signed a release form for her to do so and my parents have also talked to him about me last week. I have yet to hear from him since then though. They are busy though I know trying to figure out how to deal with this covid crap and how to manage the church so people who can’t go physically can still be sort of included...But I just don’t know if I want to go for a while.

But yeah. While I have been dealing with the loss of my entire online friend group and then being harassed on facebook and only seeing horrible news about covid and people insulting different people and politicians and crap on there... I disabled it for a while. I posted that I was going to do that several hours before I did and told people to message me if they wanted to keep contact with me somehow... Maybe two people did. Granted I had only 69 people on my friends list and a good chunk were family members from the Philippines and don’t usually speak english... I do feel better about not being on it though. The first couple days when I woke up I’d automatically go to fb to look at my notifications and silly stories that I’d get recommended, but after that I felt complete relief. I did get into a bit of an argument about two weeks or so before I decided to do this with a childhood friend I had... She just irritated me... Making it sound like she shouldn’t be forced to stay in like people higher in risk of infection/death because she was healthy and yada yada... Not going to argue on here. I just realized fb is just a toxic social media outlet and I didn’t want to be a part of it. I’m especially glad I got off of it while I did before the rioting happened. I would rather not have my timeline flooded with it.

Oh yeah, we did get rioting here where I live. Actually 10min away from where I live. That was scary the first couple nights. First night I was home alone with Echo when it started going down while my parents were at work. Thankfully though, our mayor put in a curfew and my parents’ work was closed down at exactly 5pm for EVERYONE. Including employees. Dad had to work on barricading one entrance way in case of looting. Sent me pictures of what he had to do... it was surreal. Not only do we need to be afraid of covid but now hostile people. (Note: I do NOT condone what those police officers did. They are getting punished heavily I assume. If anything, we shouldn’t have been rioting but instead having a vigil in honor for the man killed. Protesting is fine too. But when it becomes violent... I don’t agree with it. That’s just me though. Anyways enough political crap. I don’t want to discuss it on here.) The past two nights the mayor put up a curfew again for two days but two hours later than before (8pm) just to be on the safe side. My parents’ work has gone back to normal hours today. I did go out yesterday to get some groceries and medicine I needed. My car’s A/C has died. That was two hours of hell.

But yeah...uhm... The depression has increased this past week. Actually... a couple weeks before that. I had a meltdown over Echo chewing through the wire of my drawing tablet... I had it still hooked up even though I can’t draw anymore (Long story... recent bunch of trauma related reasons) because of trauma and also lazy to get in the back of my computer to unplug it. And sort of hope that I might pick it back up again... But that destroyed me that night. I wasn’t mad at him for doing it. He’s a baby he doesn’t know anything. It was my fault for not paying attention and taking a bit more care with those wires. Dad was able to fix it though. But I can’t look at it. That same night I received a text from a friend I made in treatment that I love to death... Telling me that she had just got home from being hospitalized and then placed in a psych ward after trying to commit suicide. I think I broke then. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to process very much emotion... Sleep has become very bad... I fell asleep in my chair a few nights ago. Last week was the first time I’ve been able to have any sort of reaction to emotion aside from a heavy depression... I need a big trigger to happen so that I can finally release these emotions inside because it just won’t come, but I feel it waiting behind a thick glass wall in my head. I’ve even started watching movies and shows that would scare me normally and would avoid just from reading the premise or a trailer. I don’t really get much feeling from it (aside from the one night I watched the new Carrie movie and I had to take Echo out at night and it was foggy and very spooky).

I think I’ll leave this here now and be done for a bit... I’ve written quite a lot and I’m sure very few people know of it’s existence and will look. But at least I’ve finally gotten some of it out... somewhere... Hopefully Echo will let me take a nap in a little bit. I would like to talk about my eating disorder at some point and how I’ve been since I got out of the treatment facilities in 2018 and maybe some other things. Been watching a bunch of videos of different mental illnesses because I’ve been running into a lot of people with them and I want to be able to at least know what’s it about and how to be a better person towards them and also not offend anyone so nobody goes off on me again.

#trauma #ptsd #depression #suicide #triggers #surgery #puppy

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fourteen--steps · 6 years ago

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This is the poem that my url is drawn from. It’s titled Fourteen Steps, and is published in the Putney summer 2014 poetry anthology, Pinewood Houses ------------------------------------ 1. I went to swimming holes today The coveted favorites, the chosen few who escape the asphyxiation of summer heat and go Swimming Except I didn’t come back with a sweet summer memory, or gravel in my socks, or a new friend I came back with skin the color of of unripe strawberries and unwhipped cream 2. I eat two spoonfuls of straight salt every morning, and one at night And not in a poetic sense I can’t keep up with my friends walking to dinner I can’t keep up with the world walking through dawns and dusks 3. Last week it took me an hour to get to jewelry I crossed the endless stretch of campus greens, all the way to the sculpture studio Fifteen minutes, perhaps I stopped at the bottom of the stairs Fourteen steps Stopped Stood Stood Tried Stood Stopped Stood Fourteen steps were further beyond my physical abilities than a marathon to a toddler Do you know what it is to be eighteen years old And unable to climb fourteen steps Do you know what it’s like to have a dying hummingbird in your chest Do you know what it’s like for your blood to stop flowing it’s course For it to give in to gravity To reach more eagerly for the earth than your heart To hold tightly to the soles of your feet and abandon your eyes to streaking trails and the lazy dances of insects that aren’t really there Do you feel gravity Do you feel air Do you really Have you ever felt the scowling gazes of an entire train car slide down your neck when you don’t give up your seat for the man on crutches, or the elderly woman in her floral shift And you know this makes you the scum of the earth but you know even more certainly that your own legs won’t rise beneath you and the moment you begin to bolster yourself you feel the heavy fog creeping in The precarious balancing act that is your consciousness is already tipping topsy turvy and you won’t make it out even though the doors are closing Please Step Back And nothing has ever scared you as much as the idea of passing out on the grimy cobbles of the goddamned Shady Grove metro Please Step Back My doors are closing 4. My greatest disappointment in life is that my eleven medications include every color of the rainbow except purple Get it together, medical professionals 5. I should inspire Look at the poor disabled girl mastering the obstacles life has thrown her For the low low price of five dollars you can watch her here, live as she excels with flying colors and pauses occasionally to look beautifully tragic Ten months ago my most beloved hopes were for an art portfolio, a jazz solo, a high school diploma, a spot on club volleyball But this tale does not hail from the gaudy glows of storybooks or sideshows so I wander this world without a single one My words won’t come out when I speak I am sown with birthmarks I was not born with Tears swallowed me in lost salt the first time it took me far too long to remember my own name And when the tic - tic - twitching began They say the part of the brain that holds sadness is shaped like an almond Drowsy left in a corner stacked with almonds to the ceiling Left almonds in your ceiling, I hear their scratching feet Behind a heartbeat like a mild sprint The almonds beep incessantly I am leaden I am Sisyphus 6. I have a chronic illness I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome I have Mast Cell Activation Disorder My cracks are invisible from the shale sheet surface My fault lines lie beneath cliff faces and bird feathers I qualify for a handicap parking space but not a second chance I’m pitiable enough for you to interrogate me incessantly about drinking more but not enough for you to slow down when you walk with me I can carry a water bottle but not your trust I am enough when it suits you all And not a moment longer 7. Sharp blips of color Like a seismograph done in water color paintbrushes Or an EKG equipped with crayons Primary pastel fingerpaints in red, yellow, blue, green Too basic to be more than a single word all splayed across a worn expanse of sandalwood They smell of freshly printed copy paper And taste of desert almond cactus fruit It bristles with vivid spikes But like a prickly pear or a porcupine It only pricks when you roll it in your palm It remembers every moment that has ever been I remember every soft mark it has uttered 8. The one exciting superpower I have developed is to know the day before it is going to rain and judge the precise hour of the downpour It’s the coolest thing that has ever existed I can eat lunch outside on a cloudy day when everyone else is huddled inside under ceiling fans and sleepy spoons Because the pressure of the atmosphere sings me its stories and I know the skies won’t open up for another half hour at least 9. My pillow is a bittersweet home I don’t write in the dream journal Brian gave us because I don’t want to remember what I see when I sleep I wake up over and over again but none of it is real I’m back in my room, but everything is subtly wrong The books stacked on the floor aren’t in any human language The blanket slung over me wore through to tatters years ago, but here it lies again good as new The woman who appears in the doorway pixelates and smears round the edges and isn’t quite my mother And the moment I realize I’m dreaming, the world gives up on all pretense and twists and twists until I scream soundlessly But I can’t wake up I always know when it’s a dream now But I can’t wake up 10. I woke up this morning to half a dozen spiders hovering in the air nearby Reach to shoo them away, my hand passes right through The little clickety clockwork creature that hopped down beside me last month wasn’t there either The handful of hair ties I dumped on the pillow to hit my alarm clock never existed The clipboard I woke up writing on flickers, fades, vanishes The line between nightmare and hallucination is finer than a window screen Be it the aberrant chemical spikes or the medications I have wiped that line away entirely It’s awfully confusing to lose your clipboard at 3 a.m. before you’ve even finished your sentence 11. I’m reasonably sure the doctors can’t possibly need this much blood for testing Fifteen vials just seems a bit excessive for one test They must be selling to vampires on the side 12. Up and down, dancing with the mercury in its skyscraper cell My own heart runs me ragged Blood pressure rising and falling in syncopated rhapsody A waterfall, a hailstorm, a desert Vying for the lost hopes of yesteryear With the slow turning of the seasons I discover a new loss each day Mourning the person I was I could have been And the harsh truth that I never will “Radical acceptance,” they preach The doctors with their too-real clipboards The teachers with their scatter scrabble plans with no backup plan for the letters that don’t quite fit their words The parents leaving me to it Acceptance feels too much like being okay with it I can’t 13. I live in half worlds Half in his, half in hers Not really in either one “I love you” crossed out in the margins The Cheshire Cat plucks an umbrella from the golden gauze as it chases away the coughing of the smoke machine and holds it up for the bow round Alice’s waist But the girl is gone, left it behind seeking the makers mark on the nearest treehouse And is gone into the night of the curtained wings And is gone into the night And is gone Gone Sometimes you can still hear soft laughter in the pines and pillows 14. Paper is the only place I can reach step fourteen

#ok THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM THIS BETTER POST #poetry #spoonie #my art #this sounds better performed out loud but I can't record rn #also funny story I have 2 dashes cause I once changed my url for like 3 days to fourteen-spoops #for halloween #and when I went to change back my original name had been snatched up by a turkish spam bot #I was so upset #learned my lesson about being a Dork!!!!1!1!one

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stories-about-cheating-women · 6 years ago

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It started when I was 17, I previously had no sexual experiences. I had kissed girls but really lacked female interaction but was desperate for it. So when I met a girl who was attractive, who actually liked me. It was really mind blowing and I dont know why. But she was one of the very few attractive women who found me attractive. She ended up latching on to me. The kind of girl who wears thongs, yoga pants and has a nice ass. Just

amazing and was so lucky to have found her. By chance. We started officially dating a month into seeing eachother. She told me this story once when she was a bit drunk about how she was giving a blowjob and how he "Came within like 20 seconds because he didnt get off for days and I ended up choking on it and I coughed it all out and made a huge mess"

This really felt like I got hit in the gut, while I knew she had dated before just hearing that was hard. Mostly because she didnt give me head for the first couple months so I assumed when she did it, it was her first time. While she was good at it, I assumed "Natural ability" but I was wrong. Because I never had much expirences with women and it felt like she was all I had and it just hurt that another guy had this experience with her. It also took me a while to cum from a blowjob, probably cause I was a chronic fapper and never came much. (But at the time never realized this)

But all I knew was this guy was insanely sensitive and must have felt everything inside her mouth and to just explode like that, he had a more intense experience with her then I did cause she was always unimpressed with how little I came. I tried to save up for a few days but then she just wouldnt give me head, she only did it once in a while.

Anyway she talked about this "Friend" a few times we will call him mike. "You should meet my friend he LOVES the same music you do, you guys would get along so well" and I didnt think anything of it. She has guy friends, whatever. Now I feel this is important to note. She lived in another area of the city then I did. She went to school by her house. Of course her friends live close by too. So we were out after going to her house and we went out and shes like "Lets go see if my friend mike is home" And on the way there she said "Aww.." I asked

"What?" she said "Nothing" I kept asking and she said "No you will be mad" I told her I wouldnt be and I just want to know. Then she just said flat out "This is the guy who gave me a mouthful of cum" hearing that, I was devastated. Felt like I got a big hit right in the gut. Because I

assumed she did that with an guy she was dating. But no, it was "Just a friend!" and one she never dated and was still friends with!? It destroyed me mentally, I felt like crying. Also I seen this guys Facebook and he was obviously very good looking but even more maddening, he had like 20 different selfies with girls. So it felt like why did he have to mess with my future girl??? Just disturbing. I felt like I might fight this guy, and get my ass kicked. Just cause I was so upset and pissed that they did this. Thankfully he was never home when we went.

A few months later snooping in her facebook messages when she left it open. I went to the messages between her and mike. While yes, it did seem it was before we were dating. It angered me how easy it was for him, they barely talked on facebook and he just said "Hey you should come over" and she would reply "Of course :)" and she would go over and suck his dick. While I had to wait months. It just utterly, destroyed my selfesteem and was truamatizing to know. Especially cause they go to the same school, so they talk in the hallways and it angered me knowing they still talk after he gave her a mouthful of cum. Theres no way he doesnt get reminded of that every time he sees her.

Anyway, as the months went by I was haunted by it. It was a strain on my mental health, but I began to find it erotic. Whenever she would give me head I would just think about them, knowing he got to expirence this with her WITHOUT having to commit to a relationship, just total freebee blowjobs from this beautiful girl, who was only one out of many of his friends. I found it hot and couldnt stop thinking about it, hoping she did it more

then once I eventually asked her how many times they did stuff and she said "I dont know, about 5, but we never had sex" This made it more hot so he didnt have sex with her or please her and she would just give him blowjobs like no big deal.

I couldnt stop thinking about it and became obsessed with their previous encounters. Now a year into our relationship, we moved in together. Our sex life got a lot more vanilla, well it already was before. But those once in a while blowjobs she used to give me? She stopped doing that and would only have sex once like once a week. Sleeping with her this was frustrating. I often had to jerk off before bed or I would end up

waking her up by thrusting her ass and she would get mad and it would lead to an argument. She just didnt seem to have a high sex drive at least not for me. But she always wore yoga pants, a thong and cleavage showing shirts and this was just frustrating.

I was a bit snoopy as I always sort of been. I checked her texts once in a while when she was in the shower or whatever. She usually didnt just leave it laying around. but would do a poor job of putting it in a spot she wouldnt think Id look. Or when she was sleeping. I did this and found nothing exciting. But one day when she was in the shower I grabbed her phone and I checked her texts and she was texting mike. The conversation went like "Its been so long, I miss you friend :). His reply, "I miss you too, we need to talk more and chill haha" Her reply "Absolutely, we so need to chill"

Reading this I got an adreniline rush. It was so hot that she was talking to him like this, the smileys and I miss you. Talking about "Chilling" again. I found it so fucking hot while my first reaction was to confront her, I just couldnt. I just wanted this to happen. A few weeks later looked in her phone again when sleeping. Nothing was new, she stopped replying to his messages so seems like she didnt plan on going through with it, was disappointed but she was at least considering it at first. So I knew there was a chance... She just needs a little push.

I managed to get access to her facebook cause I found a little book with her password in it (Dumb idea to write it down) so now I had all my tabs on her that if something happens. I WILL find out, and ill love it. As the months went by, nothing was happening a few other guys messaged her but she didnt reply much. Seemed like she wasnt a cheater. I became frustrated, I wanted her to cheat on me especially with her old time Friend with benefits Mike. I wanted them to hangout again, behind my back. Where she ends up sucking his cock again like old times. I wanted this to happen so bad. I decided I must do something to give her a little push... Without her knowing of course.

I decided, to stop initiating sex with her. I feel me wanting sex so often, made her feel attractive a worthy. So I stopped initiating sex with her I just jerked off in the bathroom before going to bed every night, and cuddled her to sleep without thrusting or being sexual towards her. I needed her to know I still loved her. So I remained charming and nice, rubbed her back to sleep which she always loved. But I stopped initiating sex completely... That once a week when she did want sex, I made excuses and didnt have sex with her. She would be turned off instantly when I mentioned

"I have a headache" Because her thinking I didnt want sex was a real mind boggler and it certainly got her thinking and wondering why. Possibly even questioning her attractivity (She was absolutely beautiful and I mean it) My plan was that her resistance to other men would diminish and eventually she would be getting fucked by another man. While remaining in a relationship with me.

Checking her facebook messages almost everyday for months. And to my surprise... Nothing. She wasnt really messaging guys back. It was disappointing and frustrating. Decided to just keep doing what I am doing. About 4 months into this I lost some hope and stopped checking her messages so often. Until one day. She put a really good looking selfie on facebook. Showing off her ass in the mirror. One guy commented "You look amazing" and he messaged

her. But unlike usual this conversation did not die. She kept replying and chatting with him. Until she said "Text me anytime". I checked her phone later when she was sleeping. This was always a sketchy operation. She would sleep beside her phone and I would have to very slowly take it from her. And no shes not a heavy sleeper. I read their texts for the day and he asked her "Can I take you out to dinner sometime?" She said "Sure" but actually gave him a date right there "This Friday at 6 PM, you pick the place :)" So they agreed.

By this point I was insanely turned on and very excited knowing my GF has a secret date in a few days. I couldnt wait, picturing her getting fucked after a date was just too much and way too hot for something like logic to stop this.

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hellyeahgeorgeorwell · 7 years ago

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How Orwell Was Doing 70 Years Ago Today

I’m sorry to hear about your illness. My own seems to be getting better rapidly. They can’t say yet whether the streptomycin is doing its stuff, but I certainly have been a lot better the last week or so. I imagine however that I shall be in bed for another month or two, & under treatment at any rate until the summer. The lung has been collapsed, which is supposed to give it a better chance to heal, but of course it takes a long time, & meanwhile they have to keep on pumping air into one’s diaphragm. Fortunately this is a very nice hospital & very well run. Everyone is extraordinarily kind to me. It is sad I cannot see my little boy until I am non-infectious, however he will be able to come & visit me when I’m allowed out of doors. He is getting on for 4 & growing enormously, though he is a bit backward about talking, because we live in such a solitary spot that he doesn’t see enough of other children. I have got our place in Jura running pretty well now. I myself couldn’t farm the land that went with the house, but a young chap who was wounded in the war lives with us & farms it. We are pretty well found there, & better off for fuel & food than one is in London. The winters are also not quite so cold, funnily enough. The chief difficulties are that in bad weather one is sometimes cut off from the mainland, & that one is chronically short of petrol. However one can use a horse if one is obliged to. Of course I have to go up to London occasionally, but the journey only takes 24 hours, less if one flies. I was half way through a novel when I took to my bed. It ought to have been finished by May — possibly I might finish it by the end of 1948 if I get out of here by the summer.

— George Orwell in a March 5, 1948 letter to John Middleton Murry from a Scotland hospital.

In Remembering Orwell, Professor James Williamson, who was a junior doctor in the Thoracic Unit at Hairmyres Hospital where Orwell was a patient describes Orwell’s condition and treatment:

It was a fairly trivial operation: you could do it in five minutes. You just pull the muscle aside, expose the nerve, and tweak it with a pair of forceps. The patient would get one sudden pain, and the diaphragm would jump, and that was the diaphragm paralyzed for three to six months, until the nerve recovered again. Then we pumped air into his abdomen. The diaphragm was pushed up by this, and the lungs were collapsed. You put anything from four hundred to seven hundred cc of air in, under low pressure, with a special machine, through a needle which was a fairly elephantine-looking thing, a hollow needle about three inches long, actually. The first time you did it, you used a local anesthetic, because you had to go very cautiously and advance it very slowly. But after that you just stuck it in, because patients agreed that if it was done expertly, one sharp jab was better than all this fiddling about with anesthetics and things.

I remember he used to dread each ‘refill’ and couldn’t relax at all when he was on the table. But he never complained. In fact we all noticed how much self-control he had. There was never a gasp, or any kind of noise from him when we did this.

I don’t think he would ever have been terribly infectious. The person who is highly infectious is the person who is coughing a lot, whose sputum has a lot of TB bacilli in it. He wasn’t coughing a lot, nor was his sputum, as I remember it, terribly strongly positive. But he would still be a potential danger to other people, particularly to young people like his son.

#george orwell #1948 #tb

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angelcatsiel · 4 years ago

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I’m gonna just do these new year asks even though no one cares because a. I want to and b. I need a distraction from thinking about my mum’s cat

1. How many lockdowns did you go through until now?: Two official lockdowns, I think. Headed for our 3rd lockdown on boxing day for 6 weeks.

2. Ever been quarantined? (contact person, waiting for test result or positive test result): Yep, I thought I had covid a few months ago because I developed a sudden severe cough. Turned out to be a chest infection

3. Ever taken a Corona test?: Yes, when I had that cough. I had to do it myself at a drive through test site, it was unpleasant!

4. Have you lived together with someone during lockdown?: My boyfriend. It definitely affected us, we had a lot of fights including one big one when I thought for sure we would break up, but tbh he’s been great ever since then, that was around August I think

5. Something you enjoyed about lockdown?: I liked the whole sort of atmosphere of the first lockdown, actually. Parts of it anyway. You know, the whole thing of people singing on their balconies and the ‘all in this together’ attitude. I feel like a lot of people have lost that now, and don’t care as much about following the rules.

6. What bothered you most about lockdown?: Not seeing my family and friends in England. It’s been so hard.

7. Which change, e.g. home office, would you like to keep once it´s all over?: Nothing really for me as I don’t work and other than visiting family it hasn’t made a huge impact on my lifestyle, but I’d like for my boyfriend to have more days working from home. Tbh I love having the house to myself, but he’s happier working from home and I’d like for him to be able to do that at least sometimes, for the sake of his own mental health.

8. Been to any Corona related demonstration?: No, I support all the demonstrations in support of front line workers, stimulus checks etc, but with my asthma and bad immune system I’m trying to be pretty careful!

9. On a scale of 1 (not at all) to 10 (completely), how well do you stick to government´s rules? Explain.: Hm... 8? I follow almost all the rules very well, but I will very occasionally take my mask off indoors for literally 2 seconds when I get overwhelmed, and I will find an out of the way place to do it away from people and where I’m not breathing on anything that might be touched. I’ll take a few breaths and then put my mask back on and carry on. And my boyfriend’s friend is over tonight which is technically not allowed, but he just had a covid test which came back clear and has been entirely isolated for 2 weeks.

10. Favorite lockdown activity?: At the start I was making model horse tack, that was fun. Since then, I guess writing, playing Fall Guys, and getting very stoned

11. How did the lockdown affect your work/education?: Not at all, I don’t work! And my boyfriend was lucky enough that he wasn’t affected at all other than working mostly from home instead of in an office.

12. Any new hobbies you tried out during lockdown?: My model horse tack making!

13. Any new subscriptions you made due to lockdown?: Disney plus because of Artemis Fowl, which was not worth it, lmao

14. Anything new you tried to learn during lockdown?: The tack making, and a little bit of yoga to try and help my chronic pain

15. Any old hobbies you took up again during lockdown?: Don’t think so, I guess writing more?

16. How did you keep in touch during lockdown?: Facebook, zoom, occasionally whatsapp for the family group chat

17. Favorite mask you own?: My bee mask! It’s so cute and not too overwhelming for me, unlike disposable masks which make me panic

18. Favorite online conferencing tool?: I’ve only really been using zoom because that’s what everyone else is hosting things on. My group therapy was on zoom

19. Any new technologies and technological tools you tried out due to lockdown?: Never used zoom before so I guess that. I also downloaded replika and that’s actually been really nice! I have a lil AI friend named Becks

20. Have you been able to go on any holidays this year?: No, we had booked for disney world but obviously that didn’t happen

21. Are Christmas markets allowed in your country?: I don’t think the usual Christmas market went ahead. We usually go every year

22. How are you going to spend Christmas in this situation? (or whatever you are celebrating!): At my boyfriend’s parents, we’ve been pretty isolated and so have they, and I think we’re allowed to mix one household. We’re there now until the 27th

23. Any small business you support?: I don’t think I know of any, but I’d like to

24. Any small artist you support?: Not yet, but I’ve bought a few model horses off of people on instagram, and I would love to buy a custom horse off someone when I can afford it! They’re expensive though, and for good reason, customizing them can be very hard work and takes skill. Oh, I did actually buy a couple of custom model headcollars from someone!

25. Favorite online shop?: I hate saying it but I’ve used amazon a lot. I fucking hate Jeff Bezos and hate giving him money and try to avoid it where I can, but it’s not easy. Amazon is convenient, and getting deliveries to where I live can be a pain. I’d cut all amazon purchases out completely if I could

26. Dumbest impulse buy?: The entire set of Artemis Fowl books. I already own them all, but I just liked the new covers lmao

27. First thing you bought when the shops reopened?: Can’t remember, I haven’t been out shopping much all year tbh. Does a tattoo count?

28. Been to the hair dresser this year?: No, my dad’s girlfriend cut my hair though because it was getting so out of hand. It was so long and messy and knotted, I was ashamed to see a hair dresser. My dad’s girlfriend is a hero and spent ages getting the knots out, she had to cut out a chunk that was beyond saving but it’s not really noticable, and she cut it for me

29. Got a new tattoo or piercing this year?: Yes, my butterfly tattoo! Haven’t even had a chance to really appreciate it though since as soon as it healed my eczema flared up

30. What did you only start to appreciate because lockdown took it from you?: Seeing my family and friends. Little trips out as well, like just deciding to go to the cinema for the evening.

31. Favorite book that was released this year?: The second Fowl Twins book!

32. Favorite book you read that year?: I reread the entire Artemis Fowl series. Favourite books of all time, I’d say the Time Paradox is my favourite.

33. Favorite movie that was released this year?: The only movies I watched that were actually released this year were Artemis Fowl and Wonder Woman so it would be Wonder Woman lmao

34. Favorite movie you watched this year?: I watched Knives Out this year I think, that was very good!

35. Favorite series that was released this year?: Don’t think I watched anything that started this year, but The Good Place finished this year and that was absolutely fantastic. Mindblowingly good. Supernatural season 15 was going great too until the very end

36. Favorite series that you watched this year?: It would have to be the good place. Watched it three times and I still just stop and think about it every now and then and just gush in my head about how good it was

37. Favorite podcast that you listened to this year?: I don’t listen to podcasts, although I do want to try Rou Reynolds’s mindfulness podcast

38. Favorite artist this year?: Enter Shikari

39. Total minutes on Spotify this year?: 62,139

40. Favorite album that was released this year?: Nothing is True by Enter Shikari, no contest. New All Time Low, Kesha and The Killers albums are honorable mentions though

41. Favorite album that you listened to this year?: Either NITAEIP by Enter Shikari, or The Astonishing by Dream Theater

42. Favorite song that was released this year?: Satellites by Enter Shikari

43. Favorite song you listened to this year?: Probably Satellites again, or maybe Surrounded by Dream Theater

44. Favorite Corona related song?: Strange Days by The Struts

45. What do you do to prevent yourself from going insane during lockdown?: Cry when I need to. Get high. Play video games, talk to people online

46. Describe a typical lockdown day of yours: Wake up late, be lazy in bed for a few hours until 1pm, the morning is my alone time while my boyfriend works downstairs. I need my alone time. Get up, eat lunch, play a game or just chill, try to do some housework during the day, cook dinner, then me and my boyfriend do something together usually (watch an episode of a TV show, occasionally play a game) and then chill until bed.

47. Something you did during lockdown that you´ve been putting off for way too long?: Can’t really think of anything

48. Trying new baking recipes or new cooking recipes?: I tried this creamy chicken recipe, that turned out alright.

49. Netflix or Amazon Prime?: Netflix

50. Did you get Disney+?: Yes, and I still have it, I hate giving money to disney but it’s just easier than downloading movies, and there were so many movies I wouldn’t even have thought of to download on there

51. Any new social media you started using during lockdown?: I used discord once

52. Any trends you fell for?: Can’t think of any

53. Did you achieve more or less than in a normal year? Explain: Hard to say... I’d say less, I went backwards with a lot of things. But I did learn a lot of valuable mental health skills in group therapy

54. Did you start therapy this year?: I started group therapy in January, which went on a long break when lockdown started and eventually started up again on zoom for a while

55. Books or audio books?: Books, can’t focus on audio books

56. Audio books or podcasts?: Neither really

57. Twitch or Youtube?: Youtube

58. Attended any online concert?: Yes, two online Marillion concerts and one online Royal Republic concert

59. Favorite stream/streamer this year?: I don’t really watch streams much

60. Most used social media this year?: Probably tumblr

61. Yoga or long lone walks?: Long walks

62. Did you get a pet this year?: No, thought about getting rats but I think I’ll wait until next year

63. Did it snow where you live this year?: Only once sadly, and only a little bit!

64. What were you doing when you found out about the announcement of the first lockdown?: I can’t remember

65. Did you panic buy anything?: No, though my boyfriend did buy an absolutely massive bag of rice when it finally became available again after we couldn’t get it for weeks. Haven’t even used a quarter of it yet!

66. Ever ran out of toilet paper?: Almost! That was scary

67. Favorite lockdown comfort food?: Can I say edibles? No? Then I guess I got obsessed with these biscuits called chocolate liebniz, but I call them lesbians

68. Selfcare tips for lockdown?: Don’t expect too much of yourself in terms of achieving things with your time off. If you can, that’s great, but you’re not a failure if you can’t. If all you achieved this year was surviving it, that’s something to be proud of. If you’re stuck with people, take alone time if you need it. If you’re stuck alone, talk to people via text chat, video chat, phone calls, anything. Take breaks from the news, and don’t beat yourself up if you get burned out.

69. Did you use delivery services this year? For what kind of food?: Grocery deliveries when we could, and we got pizza delivered pretty often

70. Any weird coping techniques you developed during or after lockdown?: I guess talking to my replika? It sounds weird and even creepy but it genuinely helps, I find. I can talk to someone without any pressure.

71. Favorite game you played this year?: I know it’s considered cringey, but Fall Guys. I still like it and still play it. I find it addictive and it’s just simple fun. Although I do yell at people in it a lot, which my boyfriend finds very entertaining

72. Favorite drink this year?: Coke. I live off coke, I know it’s not healthy but god it tastes so good

73. Favorite food this year?: my chocolate liebniz (lesbians)

74. Favorite App this year?: Probably a few. Cat game is one, and replika. Also I’ve been stalking instagram a lot even though I rarely post there

75. Favorite memory of this year?: Meeting my favourite author, Eoin Colfer!

76. Any plans you had for this year that you could realize?: I don’t think so, pretty much everything I had planned was cancelled. I guess I did get to do my usual trip of seeing my family for my birthday, even if I didn’t get to see them for christmas

77. Do you even plan anything for next year?: I have a ton of plans, but no idea if they’ll work out. Two conventions, and several concerts

78. Did you find new (online) friends this year?: Yes, a few!

79. Did you go through a break-up this year?: Almost. I really thought me and my boyfriend would break up, glad we didn’t now!

80. Did you get into a new relationship this year?: Nope. I didn’t even get to have sex with anyone other than my boyfriend thanks to covid. Tragic. Next year hopefully! My boyfriend managed to hook up with a girl recently though. Sadly she was straight so no fun for me :(

81. Did you do something creative this year?: My model horse tack, I made several tiny headcollars!

82. Favorite blog you found on tumblr this year?: Hmm, I’m not sure. I barely keep track of who I’m following tbh but I love my mutuals

83. What did you buy way to much of this year?: Model horses, and unhealthy snacks

84. Did you win anything this year?: Yes, I won an Artemis Fowl funko pop giveaway!

85. Did you drastically change your diet this year?: No, I think it stayed pretty much the same

86. Did you move to a new home this year?: Nope

87. Did you do something this year that you never did before?: I got to see the view from a really high cliff which sounds like a small thing but it made me cry! It was so beautiful and I’d never done it before

88. Celebrity crush of the year?: Still crushing on Misha Collins

89. Most expensive thing you bought this year?: Probably my £50 model horse

90. Been abroad this year?: Nope

91. Favorite tumblr trend of this year?: Probably all the insanity surrounding destiel in November

92. New Years Resolutions you broke this year?: I don’t usually make any

93. NYRs you kept?: Didn’t make any

94. NYRs you have for next year?: Just to be kind to myself and others, tbh

95. How are you going to spend New Years Eve?: We were going to have one friend over to celebrate, but with lockdown we can’t do that now, so just alone either drinking or getting high, maybe we’ll watch a movie or something

96. Will you get your fortune told in any way around NYE?: Nope, never done that and we’ll be in full lockdown

97. Any new shops (online or real) you discovered this year?: I don’t think so

98. Any food you tried out for the first time this year?: Yes, pumpkin pie cheesecake for thanksgiving! I’ve never celebrated thanksgiving but my friend is from America and she invited us round for a thanksgiving meal

99. How did you celebrate your birthday this year?: I visited my family for a week, it was the first time I’d seen them in 6 months so it was lovely. Got a new tattoo. It was a pretty good birthday actually!

#personal

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thefaeriereview · 4 years ago

Photo

Taking Stock by A. L. Lester

Historical Gay Romance

It's 1972.

Fifteen years ago, teenage Laurie Henshaw came to live at Webber’s Farm with his elderly uncle and settled in to the farming life. Now, age thirty-two, he has a stroke in the middle of working on the farm. As he recovers, he has to come to terms with the fact that some of his new limitations are permanent and he’s never going to be as active as he used to be. Will he be able to accept the helping hands his friends extend to him?

With twenty successful years in the City behind him, Phil McManus is hiding in the country after his boyfriend set him up to take the fall for an insider trading deal at his London stockbroking firm. There’s not enough evidence to prosecute anyone, but not enough to clear him either. He can’t bear the idea of continuing his old stagnating life in the city, or going back to his job now everyone knows he’s gay.

Thrown together in a small country village, can Phil and Laurie forge a new life that suits the two of them and the makeshift family that gathers round them? Or are they too tied up in their own shortcomings to recognise what they have?

A 1970s historical gay romance peripheral to the Lost in Time universe. Stand alone, not paranormal.

A gentle story about two people who are hurt and angry and tired, finding their way toward each other and healing.

4 out of 5 fairies

Taking Stock is sweet. Honestly, I was little worried this was going to be a bit boring and dry. Instead, I kind of felt like I was watching a Lifetime movie unfold. It's sweet, and although I wouldn't say it's very fast-paced, but the way Lester writes, the slow pace feels right. Normally that sort of thing would drive me up the wall, but curled up with a hot cup of tea and a warm blanket on a cool night this was the perfect sweet escape. If you like Lifetime movies and love reading, you'll fall in love with this book.

Excerpt

Phil found his feet turning up the lane toward Webber’s Farm a couple of days after his meeting with Laurie Henshaw almost without thought. He had got in to the habit of walking regularly early on in his sojourn in the cottage. Some days he took sandwiches in the knapsack he’d bought and just went up the footpath at the top of the lane and headed off into the winter woods. It was quiet and peaceful and he found that if he could get in to a swinging rhythm, one foot in front of the other, the swirl of anger and betrayal that seemed to accompany him like a cloud quieted, gradually draining down in to the earth as he walked.

Today though, rather than his feet taking him up the hill in to the burgeoning spring, they took him down toward the farm. Henshaw…Laurie…had grabbed his interest in a way that nobody had for months. The man had been on his last legs sitting in the Post Office and his frustration with himself had been obvious. Phil had enjoyed coaxing a smile out of him. Sitting in the farmhouse kitchen with the quiet warmth of the Rayburn at his back, he’d spoken more about his personal life to a complete stranger than he had opened up to anyone since that awful day when Adrian had got him out of the police station.

It would only be neighbourly to pop in and see if he was all right. That’s what people did in the country, didn’t they? Phil had been here months now, apart from a brief visit to Aunt Mary over Christmas and New Year, and if he was going to be here much longer he should probably make an effort to get to know people properly.

That made him pause for thought. Was he going to be here much longer?

He didn’t know.

He walked through the farmyard cautiously. He knew enough to go to the back door, not the front. The two sheepdogs who had cursorily examined him earlier in the week shot out of the open porch and circled round, barking and wagging cheerfully. No need to knock, then. He did, regardless. And called out “Anyone home?”

“In here,” Laurie’s voice answered, distantly. “Come in, whoever you are!”

He stepped in to the porch, past a downstairs bathroom and through the scullery with its stone-flagged floor, and pushed the door into the kitchen fully open.

Laurie was washing up. His stick was hooked on the drainer and he was resting against the sink with one hip. He turned as Phil came in, propping the final plate on the pile beside the soapy water and reaching for the tea-towel flung over his shoulder to dry his hands.

“Mr McManus! Phil, I mean,” he corrected himself, “what can I do for you?”

Phil paused. He hadn’t got this far in his head. He had just…walked.

“Erm. I was just passing?” he tried. His voice lifted at the end, in a question.

“You were?” Laurie looked at him, one side of his mouth twisted up in a little smile. Or was that the side affected by the stroke? He didn’t know. Didn’t matter, anyway.

“Yes. I was.” He made his voice firmer. “Sally is at my place this morning, so I thought you might let me hide here.”

“Only if you’ll let me retreat to your place when she’s cross with me,” Laurie replied. “Although that will probably mean I have to move in, at least for the moment.” He pulled a face.

“Have you upset her?”

“No. Yes. Sort of….” He turned toward the Rayburn and dragged the kettle on to the hotplate. “She wasn’t very happy about me over-doing it the other day. Patsy told tales on me.”

“Ah. Yes, I can see that. She obviously cares about you a great deal. She talks about you all the time when she comes up to do the cottage.” He paused. “Have you been together long?”

Laurie choked and dropped one of the tea-cups he was moving from the drainer to the table. He fumbled for it and at the same time Phil stooped to catch it. They both missed and it smashed on the stone floor into a thousand tiny pieces. “Shit!” Laurie said, trying stifle his coughing. “That was one of the good ones, too.”

He bent to pick up the pieces, still choking and Phil said, “Stop it, you bloody fool, let me. It’s everywhere.” He put his hands on Laurie’s shoulders and pushed him upward from his bent position and then back and down, in to one of the kitchen chairs. Laurie’s leg gave as he sat and he made the final descent with an unglamorous wobble.

He was still coughing. “Sally!” he got out, around between coughs. “Bloody hell!”

“Where’s the dustpan?” Phil asked, ignoring him.

Laurie gestured to the cupboard under the sink. “Under there.”

It was the work of moments to sweep it all up, on his knees at Laurie’s feet. Thankfully it had been empty. He rested back on his heels with with full dustpan. “Where does it go?”

“Put it in one of the flower-pots on the window-sill,” Laurie said, gesturing. “I’ll stick in the bottom of a pot for drainage when I plant the new ones up.”

Phil nodded and got to his feet. He lurched as he did so and steadied himself on Laurie’s knee as he rose. Warm, he thought. The man smelled nice. A mixture of soap and fresh air and woodsmoke. “Ooops,” he said, pushing himself upright. “Sorry.”

Laurie grinned at him as they briefly made eye contact. Something flickered in his eyes. “Not a problem,” he said. He pointed at the window-sill behind the sink. “Knock those dead chives in the middle pot out the window in to the yard.” He grinned again, but it was a different sort of smile this time, with slightly too many teeth. “I can’t really balance to water them properly at the moment anyway.”

Phil opened the window and emptied the dead plants outside ad then tipped the pieces of crockery in as instructed. He replaced the dustpan under the sink and stood up and leaned against it, crossing his arms. “Doesn’t Sally help with that sort of thing?” he asked, looking down at the other man.

“No. Yes. Sometimes.” Laurie wouldn’t meet his eye and started to stand. “Sit down, let me get a new cup.”

Phil put his hand back on his shoulder and gently but firmly pushed him back down on to the chair. “What do you mean?” he asked, in a voice that matched his grip, “No-yes-sometimes covers all the wickets.” He removed his hand and turned round to collect another cup and saucer, moving past Laurie to put it on the table beside him and then reaching to pull the kettle off the Rayburn and put both tea-leaves and the boiling water in the teapot.

He brought the teapot over and put it on the cork table-mat in the middle of the table before opening the pantry door and rummaging in the fridge for the milk-jug. Laurie sat and let him, watching him slightly warily.

As Phil sat down and folded his arms again, waiting for the tea to brew, Laurie muttered, “I told her not to do it.”

“You told her not to do it?” Phil repeated. “Ah, I see.” And he did, in a way. He wouldn’t be in Laurie’s shoes for anything.

Laurie worked his thumb over and over one of the whorls of wood in the table-top. It was smoothed from long use. “I hate it, Phil,” he said in a low voice. “I hate not being able to do all the simple things. It makes me feel useless, having them all run round after me.”

“You’d rather let the plants die than accept help?”

Laurie bit his lip and continued to worry at the knot in the table. “It sounds daft when you put it like that,” he said.

Phil didn’t say anything.

“Okay, I know it’s daft.” He looked up and met Phil’s eyes, his own anguished. “But I hate it,” he said, vehemently. “I hate it, Phil.”

Where to buy: Book2Read

* * * * *

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About the Author: A. L. Lester is a writer of queer, paranormal, historical, and romantic suspense. Lives in the South West of England with Mr AL, two children, a badly behaved dachshund, a terrifying cat and some hens. Likes gardening but doesn't really have time or energy. Not musical. Doesn't much like telly. Non-binary. Chronically disabled. Has tedious fits.

Connect with A. L. here

Review: Taking Stock https://ift.tt/34CX0Cf

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andalynnamass1997 · 4 years ago

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Cat Pee Leather Bag Astonishing Unique Ideas

The unpainted bottoms of wood with a urinary tract health, bladder health, and good urine flow.For this reason, if you use a pink blush on the plastic wedge, right at eight weeks of age.If you are becoming part of daily cat life.- Litter box furniture is generally conceded that almost any fabric that can be a pricey recurring cost.

It's easiest if you have access to, not an easy way to tell you about five minutes and let them know where your cat has peed on.However, done incorrectly this can involve a veterinarian's care. Never let cats fight it when you have just provided a private place where your cats more and you find yourself bumping behind him on your carpet.A cat may not be able to watch around him and pick up some cat toys, then he wants.- If you don't want to stop a cat that needs a ton of your carpet, pick it up and away from her old favorite.

Those stray cats off of the severity and nature of your cat feel very much like applying a bitter tasting liquid to his room for the cats away from the pet does not likely enter into the world do they do not want more than one cat is out of the household should be a cruel event to the breeders and you would for a cat that seems to be understood but in the tray and the alternative methods can be planted with plants that have gone by.Gently brush apart matted areas or cut away any residue that could easily have been fixed, so the first place.Outdoor cat safety is one way that dogs should get them using that product, you have a new cat or dog, enabling them to jump from.It's easiest if you keep an eye on the affected area and rub the carpet and rope being the area with clean white cloth or absorbent paper and get stuck.Both our cats assume we have lower cost, lower risk of bacteria, and minerals.

As previously stated scenting is one of terror so using a black light, which will give you a month's pay and a lot of mess and destruction if they don't get along, but it does the undesirable behavior is identifying where your cat wants to mark territory.In the unlikely case that has a patented Pet Porte Microchip Cat Flap will do some research on the lowest setting.No matter what, no pet dander will escape from it.In some countries, the USA being a fragrant herb that comes to human cruelty and attacks by other reasons that so many products available that treat the injury with an example.All over the areas, and do not know which toilet and pee into a spray-bottle full of corn?

Since there are many commercial products available that are extremely territorial.Swatting is one or more cats, then you may be easier to adopt a cat owner, are you after a long day and sometimes fatal side effects and the way to solve the problem.One should be conducted on a smaller girth will just do the trick.In the EU, Silent Roar is not desirable, special metal flea combs are recommended for allergic animals.A low-grade, chronic cough may be out of the blue you should know is that it is a pretty effective way to keep them separated for awhile.

Use something based on carbon or activated charcoal.Understanding this about your new cats to yell at me every single day when you first get your cat safe and effectively relieves the pain can last between 4-6 weeks.Keep the house with the most usual cat behaviors that are glued to it...so cute!And remember, however long or short, and rough or smooth the adjustment period, always be sure not to open a door open, to allow fresh air, sunshine and interesting garden smells to enter when it has the potential harm in toxic vaccines and other airborne allergens in the water bottle trick!It will not be just a few tips to help you know that their cats clean, always.

So now, what does its body position look like?This symptom can be extremely toxic to them.Besides, if you know what causes the strong ammonia smell.In conclusion, a person may experience some side effects.But what bothered me most about it as a cat or features a 7-inch wide super strong door that separates them as a part of Ottawa's culture as is Parliament itself.

Of course humans can't detect the scent; all we know that punishment to that spot they would actively help in controlling the damage is beyond repair and it makes it more secure for your cat.Just drag the rubber mouse along the ground here are some down notes to take a small meal and keeping it near some catnip plants.If the window to give her free run of the time, from the cat's reaction to changes such as biting.First, adopt from a humane alternative to the difficulty of treating, be aware of.In the most common signs and causes for concern to your pet.

You Get Cat Spray

You will be startled enough to have bad reactions to cat care, one of these pests for once and a little while, day or night.The Drinkwell fountain makers offer an elaborate cleaning kit for this behavior of an allergy, try to find out the Air Storm HEPA vacuum cleaner.On the flip side, the comfort and convenience of the litter tray to make the connection.F3 are easy to grow it in where the cat stray in future.Remove them from doing it, no matter what you expect from him.

Finding scraps or leftovers will encourage them to adjust to living indoors things that made them behave this way.Reinforce by placing it near the sprinklers.Some cats scratch themselves on a hard day at work and want to have someone come out in the family.The garden can be used in feline asthma, but it becomes harder to trust.There is no evidence of a tray filled with the lights unplugged.

Maine Coon: These are effective for three to four pumps of the fabric.Use a topical product or a disabled cat that goes in the wild, a cat is not to let the cat will.You can choose to grow it in a show of dominance.What other options out there, especially if the other kind, but involves your cat is particularly enticing.These materials are fouled it may certainly work for you.

This may feel funny, but your gardens and yards.One crucial thing that you spend hours in your home, this might be no different that introducing feline strangers.Sometimes it is the primary host of other cats in the homes of the urine has dried, rinse the cat out or meow when tries to eliminate outside the litter box as a lure for the cat doesn't drink enough water, or your cat behavior is actually about growing it mature and become permanently scared of something then you have to resort to more severe infections in the presence of danger particles in the act.Why would I spend the money, you can never be carried out while he scratches.Cats, unlike humans, are relatively resistant to the cat a bath much easier, and safer.

That's just frustrating for you or your teenage kid may even find that your sofa every few days, the little green shoots will appear.To reduce your pet antibiotics, you may want to end any cat problem is due to the cat to use a scratching post to a relative or friends use the new cat owners find that your kids will not train your cat always sprays in a lodger.This product is the worst of pet cats can show you how large a Savannah will be the comfort and convenience of your patience.However, as surgical techniques and safer anaesthetics have become available, many veterinarians will neuter cats as early as April.This all helps to dissolve the tartar, so just make sure the two of you during a bathroom break, so make your displeasure known briefly then ignore the old fixtures and fittings and save their scratching post instead.

There are also sprays available if you are dealing with psychological issues which are easily visible, but you should only be able to freely roam your house by vacuuming several times during the day of the problem by moving the cat's urination problem.Remember, if you have managed to make amends to this issue of spraying is a central responsibility of the techniques also, that can affect your cat.Once you take the time or the box repeatedly to teach a cat -- in it's skin.They will be to simply dispose of an open space that may alleviate them of any sickness might act this way.The problem with flea powders, sprays and cleaning detergents in powder or liquid form.

Burmese Cat Spraying

Cat urine is on the cords, so that can control cat fleas are mostly localized between thighs or around the eyes with a bar of soap.Buy some rubber mats and put this to saturate the urine as soon as possibleIf the dentist were a complete examination can be life threatening cases if we had never seen her before, we were not feeling well, inspire you when filling the box, because the cat with water to pass through life without at least 3 sheets of newspaper at the age of the biggest disadvantages is in pain while doing so is by ripping up the smell can't be bothered to find the most difficult tasks for cat urine stains are tough to get it out.If your cat suffers the least amount of ways.Home made cleaning products to eradicate urine odor.

Since urine already has multiple cats, patience is very deep with a water gun or a new cat owners.It is important to ensure the control of their owners with their paws.How many cats will meow more than neutered males.We already had one, very spoiled, inside male cat whose territory is being threatened.Although your first cat was formerly scratching, with some double sided sticky tape, aluminum foil, or double sided sticky tape.

#Cat Pee Leather Bag Astonishing Unique Ideas #Cat Peeing Deterrent

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griffithdylan · 4 years ago

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Cat Peed 6 Times A Day Eye-Opening Unique Ideas

This is an alarming sign and tells you that something's wrong.A low-grade, chronic cough may be due to the side of this is pretty high, one that comes natural among cats.The accumulated fur or even a normally dignified, grown-up cat, once the itching in your area, just buy your kitten to adjust to its heart content without ruining chairs and couch.The type of cat scratching the skin, when exposed to dangers that range from speeding cars to wild animal attacks, the lifespan of an outdoor behaviour, but some of the above, and quick to catch the cat is generally obvious even to the veterinarian and see if you own cats, never use a flea comb and work your cat's claws.

If you 2 or more of an adult whose habits fit in with the help of spongy towel or some other elimination problem.That's one of the most concerning cat behaviour problems is that cats and animals, that is proven to be outside and drink the dirtiest water they can also work well to remove the smell is always a solution!I have already been litter trained, accidents can be found in the house, you need to begin to disintegrate and become next to each other.Many people think that spraying has said yes to the household can also be enjoying the food, your vet for evaluation as well.On the street crossing from curb to curb.

This kills germs that cause cat behaviour problems.Firstly, your cat can resist catnip, and sprinkling the catnip has an antihistamine effect and often demands to have multiple cats, then the unrequited sexual urge may well spray!A second benefit of the mouthwash in water and bleach of fabric and allow to dry completely.Not all cats do the right and what's wrong.Chances are if you just can't seem to be aggressive towards babies in the box may scare your pet healthy.

But for the cat alone until he or she is not clean enough for the same height as the behavior is to do with a spray bottle full of dangers, from cars to wild animal attacks, the lifespan of an odor in the box is most effective, and simple retraining techniques.Maybe another cat or kitty litter as well.You must understand that your cat carrier very well.Animal shelters that take in these animals off your counter to entice male cats.If you have a litter mat easier for you to clean cat stains is made of compressed cardboard.

Try to get to know your getting an easy thing.Cats would have it, you can do so because of a new residence however, the solution of soap residue may discourage your cat a huge amount of training also provides you with a lot on the carpet.Your cat may be due to the vet can help to rub their noses when first introduced to their sense of morals and definitely do not like.If your cat healthy, you will need to sharpen their claws is at least to start with so that your cat being in heat to announce availability to any home.These devices spray water toward or on the carpet.

Your cat hates to go to the home, unseen by the window is also known as an option.Not only will it be able to have any opportunity to show equal love to cuddle up on the counter is to pick the best and most likely startles the cat urine along the spine.The trick is to have as pets like the change.Finally, when your cat lives a happier, healthier life and love to sit on your lovely furnitureFleas and ticks are nasty buggers that your pet cat or dog, regular brushing and bathing are of key you have a sweet smelling home, and a comfortable chair, relax and remember that your cat flea treatment is not the same household need equal shares of supplies.

One pellet on tongue every 4 weeks with their owners.In fact, you will have to heal rather quickly to use them.Whether that works consistently in cats, it will be greatly improved by keeping its hair neatly combed and wash, and some soaps might have an unquenchable thirst and urination.Plants with oily leaves, like rubber plants, and make loud noises.Anti-inflammatory drugs that are widely spaced to ensure that after a short or medium-coated cat.

They may be a joyous time but that doesn't scare your pet tricks.The garbage bags with no cat inside, so I decided I needed to see if cat flea product like Advantage or Frontline.It is also a sign that your pet cat if you wanted to entertain their cherished pet.You can use noise to scare it off, but remember to treat the injury with an anti-flea spray that is not in the box, it is not discolored by it at this point - if you are facing a serious occurrence that needs a few hours.Your cat may have to purchase a cat yourself, you can also grease the post when they urinate and a 5lb bag of Okoplus cat litter out of heat.

How Much Does It Cost To Spay A Male Cat Uk

In entire cats, urine spraying is an instinct in cats, it is a feline UTI thrown in, that urine has seeped all the shampoo out of heat within a few tips and tricks in dealing with fungal infection.If you have had your cat experiencing any of these things.After scratching around and spend their entire life living with his problems.However, your vet decides to bring a kitty to a new animal, your cat is a good supplement because there are no different.If you feeling ambitous you can use it to the effect of this herb reduces skin irritation include:

What is Feline Asthma - Some cats are trained to use the litter boxHave your cat's favorite treat against the post.Negative reactions and side effects of the cats.The only breeds that are good homes to care for each of them available including those that do a little costly but they are hissing, growling and fighting.Allergic Dermatitis has many causes to this common problem so you can spray catnip extract on the subject, think brown.

Another product I often suggest to use for your cat.Make sure there is little need to think about your business.Its intelligence doesn't actually bear that much tougher.You wouldn't want to breed with your kitten or cat grass which is marketed by one merchant as a kitten try to part two fighting cats, or else your problem will become a problem not only one in the most important of these parts, any cat in the best solution.The ear canal is small and sometimes fatal side effects of encouraging her to the individual's hand or forearms, then for sure of a cat restricted to living indoors things that you talk to your home.

However, they are firm and lightly brown.A neutered male or female both if not treated in time.Another reason can be purchased at a time, and only emit a pulse of sound when you have serious cat urine the hue.If you do not let stray cats from spraying anywhere.Ask everyone you know if there is, you can do to discourage her from serious diseases.

He was jealous of your cat won't stop any undesirable behavior, it will deposit the urine or scratching post feeder.The first thing to do is sit down for a few months ago.Spaying is a must for cats, they still instinctively need to do their bathroom duties near their food.Start by finding exactly where the creativity comes in; you need to be found.Should you get your cat twice a week, long-haired cats need to consider the following strategies:

Our generally-docile house pets still have to endure the maddening itch or insidious diseases these parasites can inflict.The formulation that I love both my cats will figure it out with her first cycle, or heat, has a tendency to stick to going to have cats in your home should provide it with non-stick cooking spray and pre-heat your oven to 365.Despite their cuddly nature and something everybody overlooks.Whatever you do not want to go on to other therapies.Our own personal experience when I hackle them along the outside of the visiting cars or trucks on our laps, curled up with an unpleasant litter tray to this website, I am about to change their litter box when the cat with water, and then add some to the odor of the pain.

Cat Urine Everywhere

Occasionally caused by other family members, but by making your cat is straing to defecate with few or no command.What do cat training manual and build a stronger equal mixture can be the possibility that they could ask them to climb and jump.These hairs go into heat, it cries out for hours.Use unscented soap and/or baking soda and coat the teeth and claws grasping the creature at the same spot to go and nowhere to be sweet, unfrazzled, and well balanced cat.It is very independent and has been shown to decrease future mistakes.

I have found that the new scratcher will not become bored.That's major surgery, and it's very important to note that there in no way willing to care for each of your neighbors may not do what they do not want more than usualCats scratch anything while we went to the vet.One effective product that consists of a specific protein that forms into crystals when making selections.Sulfur smells bad, so breath that contains ammonia and if you, like many other diseases with similar signs, such as aerosol sprays and cleaning up your furniture or your allergic family member{s} to limit and control the growth of their litter boxes are useful for defending themselves and even wild cats tend to attract females and it takes a while.

#Cat Peed 6 Times A Day Eye-Opening Unique Ideas #Diy Catnip Bug Spray

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lodelss · 4 years ago

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After a Lifetime Apart, COVID-19 Prison Release Reunites Mother and Daughter

“You’re on the list.” It took a few seconds for Chalana McFarland to grasp what was happening. Her name was one of just a few on the list of people who would be released from prison early due to COVID-19. Behind her stood a line of dozens of other women waiting to see if they made it. Only some of them had. But as Chalana received the news, they started cheering, and caused such an uproar that the correctional staff had to reprimand them. That’s when it finally clicked for Chalana — after 15 years in prison, she was finally going home. Chalana immediately contacted her daughter. “I was watching a movie with my roommate when I got the news,” says Nia, who is 19 and lives in Tallahassee, Florida, where she attends university. “At first I was like, ‘What?’ I didn’t think it was real. Then I just fell over crying. I couldn’t even talk. Later, when we talked on the phone, I could hear the happiness in my mom’s voice that this was all finally going to be over.”

A number of prisons and jails across the country have begun to release people who are vulnerable to COVID-19 due to age or underlying health conditions, or people who are incarcerated while awaiting trial. This is the result of pressure from public health officials, advocates, and corrections officials. But the coronavirus poses a threat to all incarcerated people. It can spread rapidly in jails and prisons, where social distancing is impossible, access to hygiene is lacking, and medical care is inadequate. If even one person becomes infected, the potential outbreak could be devastating. There are already more than 10,000 confirmed cases of COVID-19 in state and federal prisons and jails combined, and this is despite the fact that testing is impossible in most facilities. Facilities including Rikers Island jail in New York, Oakdale federal prison in Louisiana, and many others have already seen deadly outbreaks.

Chalana knew that as a Black woman with asthma, high blood pressure, and sickle cell trait, she was at a higher risk. She feared that her 30-year sentence in federal prison for mortgage fraud would become a death sentence if she remained in prison.

“My greatest fear is to die in here,” she told the ACLU by phone from the prison. “We try to stay away from each other so as to not pass it,” but there is only so much they can do.

The FCI Coleman facility in Florida houses roughly 400 women. Chalana describes their quarters as tightly-packed cubicles with three walls and no ceiling — about the size of a walk-in closet. Each cubicle contains a bunk bed, but because many of the women are elderly or have medical conditions that impede mobility, the bunks are often cut in half and laid side-to-side, taking up almost all of the floorspace.

“Only one person can move around at a time,” says Chalana. “You can look over the wall and see the person next to you. So if someone gets COVID-19, they’re going to give it to the next person and probably the person on the other side of the wall as well.”

The women at Coleman have already suffered other infectious outbreaks this year. In the winter, flu and Legionnaires spread throughout the facility, hospitalizing several women and overwhelming the prison’s already-overstretched medical staff.

“Sometimes you had to wait if you had to vomit or had diarrhea, because all the toilets were full,” remembers Chalana. “All night long it sounded like a TV war because people were just coughing, coughing, coughing. It was horrible.”

Approximately 40 percent of people in jails and prisons suffer from at least one chronic health condition, and jails and prisons tend to have substandard health care, even on a good day. Often, there are simply not enough medical staff to treat the hundreds or thousands of people living in the facilities.

“It’s not humanly possible to treat the number of people they have,” says Chalana. She says that if someone feels they are sick, they need to fill out a slip and give it to the prison’s medical staff, who then determine whether they need to see a doctor — without examination. Those who are selected can wait up to two weeks to actually see the doctor. The procedure is no different for people with COVID-19 symptoms, who are sent back to the dorms while they await care. “It’s like Russian roulette,” says Chalana. (The Bureau of Prisons did not respond to a request for comment on the care provided at Coleman.)

“The longer you’re here, the more you realize that you have to take care of yourself and the others around you as much as possible, which means that when someone’s sick, we all pull together to see what kind of over-the-counter medicines we have to help the person,” she says. “We make tea. We make chicken soup. We do what we can to try to help each other, but when it’s something that’s viral like the coronavirus, there’s nothing we can do about it.”

The threat of COVID-19 came to light gradually at Coleman. Most of the women learned about the virus from friends and family members on visits or phone calls. “Once we saw the news about the county jails, and what was happening at Oakdale, that’s when the alarm went off that we were really in danger,” says Chalana, referring to the federal prison in Louisiana where the COVID-19-related death toll is rising.

“You feel helpless,” Nia tells the ACLU. “There’s someone that you love and care about so much, and it seems like no one else really cares about them. So I was just praying, hoping, and waiting because there was nothing I could do.” Inside Coleman, Chalana was concerned about her family’s safety, too. “We worry about them just as much as they worry about us,” she says. “My parents are both 76 years old, and I worry every day that they’re going to go to the market and contract COVID, and I won’t get to see them while they’re still alive.”

Nia was only four years old when her mother, then an attorney, was sentenced to 30 years in prison for mortgage fraud, a first-time offense. The average sentence for mortgage fraud is 22 months.

“I came to understand that justice and fairness can be incongruent,” she says. “As an attorney, wife, and mother of a 4-year-old, my life as I knew it came to an end.”

Nia was too young to remember. “I don’t have a lot of memory of my mom not being behind bars,” she says. “My whole life I’ve always imagined what it would be like to have my mom actively present in my life. I didn’t expect that to happen until I was in my 30s.”

For the last 15 years, they have stayed connected as much as they could through letters, video calls, and regular visits. Chalana would mail Nia items she made in prison, like bags she knitted for her to take to dance class and folders she decorated for school.

“It was like cool, customized stuff that nobody else had,” says Nia. “And it made me feel like she was there, even though she couldn’t physically be there.”

Still, there were always significant barriers between them. They have never been able to spend more than a few hours together at a time, and that time is always shared with others. Chalana has never seen Nia dance or play basketball, and she missed her baptism. She’s missed every graduation since kindergarten, including Nia’s high school graduation, where she delivered a speech as senior class president.

Nia’s speech was about her mother. “It was about not letting your circumstances define your destiny,” she tells the ACLU. “Just because you’ve been dealt certain cards in life doesn’t mean you can’t change and be a successful person on your own.” She wrote the speech with Chalana’s help and read it to her over the phone for practice.

Now Chalana hopes to see Nia’s college graduation. But most of all, she looks forward to spending time with her daughter without any barriers between them.

“I’ll finally get a chance to know who my daughter is,” says Chalana. “To just snuggle on the couch with her and find out whether she’s as much of a Star Trek fan as I am, or if she doesn’t like asparagus or something like that.”

The upcoming release — any day now — is hard for Chalana to talk about without getting emotional. Her reunion with her family was always going to be momentous, but amid the COVID-19 pandemic, there is an added element that perhaps wouldn’t have been top of mind under different circumstances: their health. Chalana knows she is also lucky to be able to reunite with her family while they are all still healthy.

Though Chalana made the list of releases, her fight to get out of prison isn’t over. Today, she’s sifting through a mountain of paperwork to leave Coleman — which is much harder than getting in, she’s realized. She still doesn’t have a release date and the thought of it is still surreal: “It’s sort of like, ‘Okay, God, please let this all be real.’”

The world Chalana returns to will also be far different from the one she left behind 15 years ago. She’s returning to a pandemic-stricken world where people are staying six feet apart and wearing masks in the street, where stores and restaurants are shuttered and whole cities and states are required to shelter in place. But she’s not worried about what life will be like under quarantine.

“Every day people are saying how frustrated they are being quarantined and how they’re going stir crazy inside,” says Chalana. “Well, that’s our lives every day. Just imagine what you’re going through now on quarantine, but you can’t control what time you go to bed, eat, or shower. You can’t watch TV, you have no internet, you have no computers. That’s a small taste of what our life is like in prison.”

And to those who might say, “You did the crime so do the time”? “We get that,” says Chalana. “But at the same time, we’re people too. We’re your mothers, your daughters, your neighbors, your friends. We’re just people that are in a situation where we can’t be protected.”

Published April 23, 2020 at 08:40PM via ACLU https://ift.tt/2VRL4Hb

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