#I can actively feel myself giving up on myself

[ithinkicantdie]

I'll put a little bit of text here that felt too long to put in the tags but I know it doesn't really matter that much to other people what I think so I won't force myself to make any of the words I'm putting down make sense.

First point I wanted to make in the tags I started writing out was that I don’t think "girls' girl" should be included in this list because it’s a newer variation of the term "women supporting women" which I very much prefer as a positive counterpart in order to replace others like the extremely widely used "pick me girl" or just "pick me" because I think it is more important to celebrate the solidarity rather than use shame to point out when someone’s internalized misogyny is being a little too external.

"Girl math" as a term could be replaced with a different term for the logic that people are putting behind it but most of the posts are about consumerism and spending money so any far-left leaning people who identify with communism, socialism or just anti-capitalism (ily all, keep fighting for change) likely wouldn't use terms like that anyway so there wouldn't be much of a point. I do genuinely think we can let that whole trend go with just the superficial analysis of "people are trying to justify spending money by saying they aren't actually spending as much as they could be" but we could also go further into why we are made to feel shame for buying superfluous things or why we have to use the money we need to live in order to be happy and being happy when you're trying to stay alive feels impossible but the shame of spending money on things that make you happy compounds on top of that.

I associate bimbocore with Chrissy Chlapecka the most and she is very unapologetic about the bimbo videos to my knowledge because they make a lot of anti fascist posts but there are some problems she has to deal with due to being an influencer with low self esteem and rarely posting to social media at all without a full face of makeup while not wanting to encourage other people to also be that way. I also think the general public are trying to move away from saying things like whore and slut and skank because social media is all about being aesthetically pleasing and it's not about how much of a whore you are on the inside but how much of a bimbo you look or act like on the outside. The connotations of bimbo do point out how often sensuality and intelligence are thought of as at odds with one another in women but thought of as being found together very often in men and you could make an argument that women are being strong-armed into once again giving up when it comes to trying to be respected and revered for their personal accomplishments and they are actively being told to revert back to striving for superficial beauty standards to reach any amount of success. I could dive into that for hours honestly.

"Girlfriend brain" in the contexts I've seen it in (used in posts by normal people and not the 'stay at home girlfriend' influencers who scare me) is very similar to the whole trend of having "scary dog privileges" where you’re able to walk around without fear of getting harassed because men who don’t see you as a person will see your boyfriend as a person and you will not be as debilitatingly anxious about your personal safety in a public space. These trends alone can point out a lot of problems with how we are expected to "solve" problems by temporarily making it safer for only one individual at a time and not dismantling the culture that makes men feel entitled to women as a whole.

"Girl dinner" I think is heavily related to diet culture with people either purposefully eating less food to restrict the number of calories or eating junk food in the privacy of their own home without fear of backlash or judgement but it could even be fatigue of constantly cooking for other people because you have that expectation placed on you and you find brief respite in not wanting to cook for ‘just’ yourself but all of those options are insanely depressing no matter what. The expectation to be a sexy twig that eats nothing but also cook hearty meals for those around you to enjoy at any given moment is too exhausting and people break away from that where they can but also not every person participating in a viral trend is required to be actively experiencing any of the shame that the audience could be projecting onto them from personal experiences so does it really help at all or does it just hurt more people?

I do genuinely think clean girl core and DFE are heavily associated with white supremacist shit so I will not defend those at all, I think I've even seen some people call DFE a nazi tradwife dogwhistle so I'll just put that out there for other people to think on because I do not want to touch that with a ten foot pole.

And other people understand the whole "I’m just a girl" thing just fine obviously based off of most of the notes. Thank you No Doubt for providing such a banger that is infinitely better than the way people are abusing the phrase now.

"I'm just a girl", "girl math", "girl dinner", "divine feminine energy", "bimbocore", "clean girl", "girl's girl", "girlfriend brain" SHUT UPPP!!! SHUTT THE FUCKKKK UPPPPPP !!!!

[girl-lostconnection]

Helldiver!Reader, but they’ve never felt the touch of a gentle hand in years, it’s always grabbing, to drag you out of the hellscape, pushing you out of the way of danger, but never gentle,

Helldiver!Reader isn’t even gentle with themselves, their body is not a temple but a machine of war.

I can imagine them flinching away from the 141 whenever they try to touch them, not because they don’t welcome it, but because it’s too soft, a touch from another human being to them, is meant to leave a soft ache, not warmth

Something something I had this thought and kept myself going, vry sorry for the long rant 😭

Anon, I saved you up for a times when I need you. Thank you for this ask and may your pillow always be cool on both sides

Warnings: suggestive themes, violence, self harm (thoughts), Reader is repulsed by touching, Reader has a lot of trauma, dead dove do not eat, description of physical injury, description of losing limb, description of sleep deprivation, Reader is shit with feelings

There is raging discomfort in softness — gentility so foreign you curl away from it, your body twitching at stray touches, your body trying to pull away from stroking.

Frantic “don’t touch me-don’t touch me-don’t touch me-don’t touch me” pounding in your head, just so guilt can settle in your chest a little later, regret making home between your jaws.

It feels nice and you can’t stomach it. It feels good and you want to get it again and you want someone to touch you again but you can’t fucking stomach it.

Bone-deep need for comfort warring violently with your scared creature of a body that never got over that discomfort. That never got over that fear.

You don’t know softness and it terrifies you. You are not familiar with it, not even acquainted at best, you are a strangers in the same train that is your life.

You are looking at each other across rows and then you need to look away and stare out the window because your skin feels a size too small.

Don’t touch me-don’t touch me-don’t touch me-don’t touch me.

Pain you know. Violence you know. Danger you know.

They are old friends, practically family, they have been with you for so long you aren’t even sure how would you function without them.

Pain is good, it clears you up, it pulls your head out of the fog and up the water — it gives you a chance to breathe. It’s a shockwave your system needs to power up and function. It’s a satiation for the ache and nausea, it’s relief for the knot that tests your gag reflex when you try to force yourself into touches.

Softness is so foreign you actively run from it, trying your best to avoid and deflect. Lips pursed thinly, eyes wary and scared heavy, you cross your hands over the chest and shake off all and any palms off your shoulders.

Don’t touch me-don’t touch me-don’t touch me-don’t touch me.

Some Helldivers like the cartoon with the island of dogs, most of them find truth in this old black stray, most of them brand “I’m not a violent dog, I don’t know why I bite” like it’s another insignia. One as prominent as cape is.

Not you though. You know why you bite — you let everyone around you know why you might. It’s not productive to result to this, it undermines your professionalism — not up to someone of your rank to snarl and scramble away like a wounded animal. But sometimes you do want to.

And sometimes this pained, traumatised part of you gets reigns even if for a moment. It’s usually enough.

Fight or flight or fawn, right?

Basic reactions, basic fear responses, basic emotions at the base of you. Who are you without all that armour? Who are you with it?

You don’t hold hands, you don’t cuddle, you don’t make love.

Helldivers aren’t meant for soft, they can’t be soft, not if they want to live. And fuck, do you want to live. Despite everything and anything, despite rage and despair — you want to live. And you do.

You take small bites here and there: you steal a kiss or two when you can — lips dry and bleeding, sweat and grime caking under your helmet, visor of it cracked; you steal a handjob and give one back — mutually beneficial exchange and nothing more, just a little treat to feel alive. To feel like you can still be touched.

Like there is something to touch on your battlefield of a body.

Helldivers don’t make love, Helldiver don’t even fuck — not much time and not much libido but when you do it’s short and to the point, impatient, feral creature falling silent because the rush of your blood and cadence of your breathing is louder.

Because the place between your legs is slick and warm and you are full until you can’t breathe. Or until you are sure that your kisses swallow the quiet sounds of another person’s pleasure.

It’s just a way to let steam off, nothing else.

You both quickly pulling back on whatever got taken off to get to the point as fast as possible.

Maybe your branch is fucked up. Maybe you all are in fact dogs.

But post orgasmic clarity is a bitch, railroading all of you into shaking off whatever sticky uncomfortable feeling is lingering before you pop yourself down the orbit.

Battle is always familiar and pain is a welcome distraction, your whole self arching to it, your mind a fucked up thing aching for more because this is right. This is familiar. This is control.

Bones crack and realign with the push of a stim, cartilage and muscle tears apart, pain so intense you are blind with it, you are deaf with it, you are drowning on it. Tourniquet saving whatever is left to save, harsh fabric digging into bleeding hurt leg of yours.

Squad gets back with your right leg as fast as they can, realigning it back and pushing another stim into your overworked body. There is a horrible sickening snap of bones, your whole body flaring up, teeth grinding together because you can feel how nerves find each other, tying your leg back to you.

Meat of muscle and fatty tissue finding each other, soldering back together. Leaving only a scar as a reminder.

Pain subsides quickly thanks to stims pumped into your system and it’s pure bliss for a moment — not a thought in the head of yours.

And then you are back on the ship and you are lightheaded with exhaustion and Kyle is watching you like he’s concerned out of his bloody mind, but you don’t let him come too close.

Better he stays away. Better they all stay away. Better they do not approach.

And don’t touch-don’t touch-don’t touch-don’t touch you.

You want to sleep so fucking bad, you feel like you are going insane — eyes dry and aching, dizziness forcing you to sway but you can’t because stims take away as much as they give. And for the next 26 hours you won’t slip a wink.

It’s torture and it’s maddening, but that’s exactly why they have this effect.

Too many of you get hooked on the feel of invincibility, too many die prematurely because they need to feel what you all are feeling.

Because you are a fucked up branch, because Helldivers are bloody dogs, because you need to hurt to function.

Soap watches you, offers you to eat something and you agree surprising both of you because god knows you could use some food. Some energy.

What brain won’t get in rest, you will give in sugar.

A little treat for its troubles.

You dive again and again and again. And every time you are met by hell the likes of which no one fucking saw — the hell that takes your friends and your teams and your limbs. The hell that chips away at you when you stare at the knives for too long, when your nails itch to rake over your forearms to dig in, to draw blood, to hurt-to hurt-to hurt.

To get some semblance of control.

Because it’s easier this way, right?

Because if you can say that you chose it, that you did it yourself, that it was self inflicted it would be better. Safe pain, good pain, necessary pain.

Just enough to take the edge off, just enough not to let your head go down under the water.

Simon hums when you slide down the wall and stays there, standing guard, eyes trained on something other than you. He’s the closest person on the team with circumstances similar to yours.

Simon wears mask forever and always, Simon greets you with gloves on, Simon lets you grip his hair when you fuck.

Simon doesn’t judge you.

He’s there, just standing nearby — making sure you won’t open yourself up, that you won’t claw at your fresh stitches, that you won’t fall asleep and slam your heavy head on the steel floors of your ship.

Simon is closer every time he’s there and maybe it’s lack of sleep or too much pain or something else but when he sits down near you, you don’t curl away. Because he doesn’t push. Because he doesn’t try to act like you are normal.

Because he doesn’t try to act like he is.

It gets easier with time. He gets safer.

You feel with him safer.

Unfortunately nothing lasts forever. And neither does this progress, you think when he gets off your bird and takes away part of you with him.

A soft part, a tiny part, a squashed part.

You are alone in the control room, nothing but blue light and coordinates of the next mission, voice in your head hammering down the last nail.

Don’t touch me-don’t touch me-don’t touch me-don’t touch me

[perplexingly]

heyyy i kind of caught a lot of your job search related malaise through the past weeks and as someone very much in the same boat i just wanted to say hang in there… it fucking sucks. but uh it's more likely that there's work for you than not. and you'll find it. it might take a while but please don't give up. i refuse to believe that someone with your curiosity and talent isn't needed somewhere. i hope you don't mind me dropping this here but some things i keep reminding myself of to stay sane:

some dude bringing 1 out of 5 things asked for is applying to that job you're talking yourself out of. don't preselect for them and apply

there are so many smaller and medium sized businesses drowning in work who do not have their shit together enough to actively look for someone

hiring people is incredibly important and costly for a business so there are all of these intricate structures in place that feel impossible to navigate but it all comes down to people needing people

you only need it to work once. for now.

ask your friends for help

hr people are in fact human. even if they like to pretend otherwise. also i feel like you need some hyping up so here i go: i've been following you for so long and you just keep getting better and better. i am not in most of the fandoms you draw for (is it even accurate to call arthurania a fandom??) but like i love your drawings and i wouldn't miss them for anything. your fluid lines have captivated me, the intimacy you create in your scenes i could probably live off for a while and i love the sensuality that is so inherently part of what you draw. i am reeeeally jealous of the way you stylize things i think i'm channeling you more than i realized when i try to do the same. i also deeply admire the way you get so into things, i can FEEL the love through my SCREEN!!!

hope this message isn't too much and sending you a lot of good wishes :)

Thank you, I really appreciate it and I appreciate the time you spent typing this, but at this point I really need something more concrete than advice, since that's all I've been getting, and tried to follow, for months now;;

Thank you very much for the words of encouragement though! 🙇‍♀️

[deathsmallcaps]

I’m autistic and despite growing up with a Black Stepdad and Black friends, and thinking the Civil Rights movement and the Civil War were cool, and even going to schools with pretty inclusive curriculums, I sometimes repeated mean things I heard (often from my Dad) or did not give thought to how certain lines of questioning/conversation may feel different towards different people. I was, and still occasionally am, racist. Among other things.

(I initially grew up in an almost exclusively Black and white town that was roughly half & half, and later moved to an area that was more half & half Indian and white. I have only ever lived in the east half of the USA)

Sure I didn’t want to hurt anyone. Sure I did believe that everyone should be treated well. Sure I loved the Black people around me. I’ve never said the n-word - I didn’t even know it existed until I read Roots by Alex Haley. But I didn’t consider nuance, I didn’t consider feelings in my thirst for knowledge, and frankly, I have a tendency to be obnoxious. ALL normal things for an autistic person. But ALL things that are quite hurtful. After all, don’t we get hurt when someone stereotypes us?

Looking back, I feel like my Stepdad should have been more active in my social education. He wouldn’t have been educating some random white person who walked up and hurt him, he’d have been teaching his daughter (he’s always treated me how his family treats daughters, for better and for worse).

But my mom, the white woman, stepped up as a good ally. SHE gave me Roots. SHE talked me through dealing with ‘white guilt’ and how that’s nobody’s problem but mine. SHE encouraged me to educate myself, and to consider what I say before I say it. SHE helped me realize my privilege. With help from a psychologist, we both learned how to handle my social issues. And now I’d say I’m a more conscious person. It doesn’t hurt that one of my English classes focused on the Harlem Renaissance and another taught Othello and Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison. Since then, I’ve sought out media and information by and about creators of Color and my relationship with my Black family members and friends has definitely improved.

I’m lucky guy. My autism is not the most debilitating in the world, and I do think it gives me valuable insight into said world. Acknowledging it helped me gain insight into how I work.

But I’m still an upper-middle class Anglo-American culturally-Christian white adult whose worst personal interaction with the cops is getting a speeding ticket. The only things I could possibly be oppressed about here is my sex/gender and if someone clocks my neurodivergencies. Maybe my allyship if its a REALLY crazy situation. It’s my responsibility to be aware of my privilege, love my fellow humans, and educate myself on how to respect others. Loving does NOT equal respecting. They’re different things. Just like how your family may genuinely love you but do not respect or understand you.

All those things on the news, about children getting shot because they’re wearing their hoodies up, or having a panic attack, or whatever bullshit excuse a white person with a gun can dream up. Those are extreme and something to be worried about. That kind of behavior should be condemned. But that doesn’t cover every single angle of oppression. And oppression isn’t just perpetuated by the nebulous concept of The System! It’s also perpetuated by Our Common Man. AKA, you and me sometimes.

Sometimes, you’re going to reach out in ways that have worked before and it’s not going to be appropriate. That hurts! But if you do your best to incorporate that info into what you’ve learned, then that’s awesome! I’m proud of you! You’re going to have to keep doing it though!!! And that’s okay!!! That just means you’re getting to live life!!!

Apologize and/or change the subject and educate yourself soon after. Those are some of the best skills you can have. You can’t go back, you can only improve the future.

Another really good bunch is being honest and introspecting on why certain things make you uncomfortable. Once you know, own it and desensitize! Be a good friend!

This is getting very long. If you want some concrete examples,

Some of these things happened because I am autistic. Some may have happened because I was a white kid. But for whatever reason it occurred, as an autistic older teen and now adult, I needed to learn from these experiences so I can help make the future better :). You are capable of learning these things too.

Problem: I once asked a Black friend how it was to be Black. I was trying to educate myself! It wasn’t appropriate though. I kept asking repeatedly, and we were like 13. She was a child and shouldn’t have to have the answer.

Solution: My mom redirected me to Black literature so I could learn from adults willing to talk about it. She didn’t owe me information, nobody does, but especially not kids.

Problem: I was 16 (in 2017). I was talking to a Filipino American* girl who was just coming out of homeschool. I wanted to be nice and relate to her, and I loved Disney. Turns out so did she! I asked if Mulan was her favorite Disney Princess. My thinking was ‘I like Tiana best but I really liked seeing Anna because we have the same hair color -> I know representation is important because (at the very least) it’s nice to see people who look like you being heroes -> Mulan is cool and the Asian princess ™. I was trying to relate and be kind. But that wasn’t appropriate. I made a general assumption, and made her uncomfortable. Mulan was a favorite of hers, it turned out, but that does NOT matter. A person’s relationships with their demographic’s stereotypes are extremely private unless shared. And it’s THEIR right to close it up again.

*despite Filipino and Filipina being gendered, when saying demographic information, such as ‘Filipino American’ about a woman, the trend is towards -o. I couldn’t find a direct answer, but multiple sources said Filipino-American about ladies.

Solution: Remember everyone is an individual and may not want to talk about all aspects of their life. Let them offer information about aspects that you aren’t knowledgeable about, like being of Filipino descent, or being homeschooled, or how it is being a Disney fan of Color. If they bring it up, offer responses like ‘I didn’t know that. Cool!’ Or make encouraging noises like ‘huh!’ Or ‘neat!’ So they know it’s safe to keep talking to you about a subject that is important but sensitive to them. And they might not ever bring these things up! And that’s okay. It’s their business. Retrain your nosiness elsewhere, it’s hard but possible :)

I must reiterate: A person’s relationships with their demographic’s stereotypes are extremely private unless shared - and it’s THEIR right to close the subject. And for the record, just because there is a Southeast Asian Disney Princess now (Raya), it would NOT have been appropriate to ask if her favorite was Raya. That’s still stereotyping, it’s just updated for the 2020s.

Problem: I love name meanings. I couldn’t find my one Indian-American classmate’s name meaning online, so I went up to him and after starting a pointed conversation, I told him my name’s meaning in the hope he’d tell me his. He did, but he was uncomfortable. Because I didn’t really talk to that guy before, and in a roundabout way socially coerced him into giving up information to a relative stranger. Information he probably didn’t care that much about, but it was obvious I only wanted one thing from him. It was rude and showed that I hadn’t really cared about him before I wanted something from him. And people generally don’t like being treated like living wikipedias of their cultures!

Solution: sometimes you’re going to have to accept you aren’t owed information. This also applies to my first example. If you can’t find information online, even if you find the perfect subreddit that welcomes questions like these*, they might not give you an answer. And that’s okay. It might drive you a little mad about missing that bit of information, but it will not end your world. Trust me. I’m putting a lot of personal mess-ups on here, I’m not going to start lying to you now.

*people don’t like being treated like walking Wikipedias for their cultures in general, but sometimes the armor of online anonymity makes people more comfortable sharing. Not always though. Maybe check other questions from other people in that subreddit or tumblr or whatever to find an appropriate format, or get a general sense of what kind of questions are answered happily. You may just have to let it go.

Problem: when I was 17 my mom introduced me to two women, a Black woman and a white woman. She told me offhandedly that one played in an American football adult league for fun. Being a feminist, I was really excited by that, because American football is a very male sport. I didn’t end up talking to either of them about it, but I sure thought a lot about that during that encounter. Afterwards, I said something to my mom that made it clear I thought the Black woman was the football player. She corrected me and said “You thought it was [her] because she’s Black,”. She was correct, I felt terrible for stereoptyping, and I cried (I cry easily). I wanted to go apologize or something. My mom pointed out that the apology would be for me, not for her. Which is an issue (I still struggle with this in many different contexts)

Solution: if you want to apologize, ask yourself ‘Am I doing this because I want the person I hurt to know how apologetic I am? Am I doing this because I want to hear ‘it’s okay’?’. If either of those has a yes as the answer, then reconsider making the apology. If the person really does appreciate apologies, then offer one. But keep it simple. Don’t mention your feelings or why you messed up. That doesn’t matter, and can make them feel guilty for their own valid feelings. And regardless, focus more on not repeating the behavior. That’s the best apology, even if you never see the person you hurt again. You hurt someone, so *I must stress this* it is NOT about you.

Problem: I’m going to college in a very white town (it fits my budget). My first week there, a white friend E was talking about her friend P, who I was to meet later that day. She mentioned they are a minority (E is from that white college town and is still learning too. She’s improved quite a bit. She doesn’t lead with that kind of information anymore) who was also from the area. I was confused. I had pretty much only seen white or white-passing people the last few days. I asked, and she told me they were Indian* and from a local people (among others. Like many Indigenous people, P isn’t from just one Indigenous or only-Indigenous culture). I was shocked. I was under the impression that all the Indigenous people from [college] area were killed or forcibly removed or assimilated.

*P prefers the term Indian when talking about themself or their family, due to their multiculturalism and preference to older terms, but the most polite thing is to refer to an Indigenous person by their People. So if you’re talking about M, your Salish friend, and for some reason his ethnicity comes up, call him Salish - not Indian, not Native American, not Indigenous. Unless he prefers those terms. Though individuals generally prefer the more culture-specific name. If you’re talking about a group of different people or peoples who are original inhabitants of the Americas or Australia or the Pacific Islands (and sometimes Africa), then use Indigenous. That being said, always defer to personal preference.

Solution: I let P bring up info about their peoples when they wanted. I looked up some things later. I also did some research and found that the Indigenous people of my [home] area weren’t all gone either. I had been taught in my state history class who they were exactly, and then they were never never brought up again. Then I learned about things like the Trail of Tears and residential schools, and assumed their culture was effectively dead. I was wrong, thankfully!

Problem: This is not exactly racist but I feel that it’s relevant. I’m talking to this guy right now. A couple weeks ago, we went out and I brought up a question that I thought was pretty normal for dates/conversations where you get to know one another. “What do your parents do?” After all, parents’ occupations affect you! He told me that his mom is working as a fruit seller after being laid off and his dad was laid off (his parents are divorced like mine) and is currently unemployed. FAUX PAS! Yikes. Both of my dads have histories of unemployment (my Dad likes to quit, my Stepdad has gotten laid off multiple times*) but all are employed right now. And I know how awkward (at the very least!) it is to be in that situation, especially money-wise.

Solution: I looked up bad questions to ask on dates later and yup! That was on there. Don’t talk money until you you’re serious. Apparently doing it so early on is a very white/privileged thing. One website I read even said that explicitly.

*Once you get laid off once, you’re often a new hire at a company. And being a new hire, you’re more likely to be laid off, because companies value seniority. Thus, a self-perpetuating situation unfortunately. I wouldn’t be surprised if other factors came into play - reminder: my stepdad is Black, and employers may use that information when choosing which new hire to let go. But we know for sure that seniority is definitely part of the issue.

General Reminder 1: Don’t ask to touch or talk about Black people’s hair. No comments about getting it wet, how it’s different from yours, how working with it must be different, interesting little factoids you may have learned about their hair, weaves, wigs, and so on. If you genuinely have curly hair at 2c-ish or higher (see picture), then it’s a different story. You may have something in common that’s fun to talk about! Comments on how nice it looks are sometimes okay, but consider: are you only saying these complements when it’s straightened or braided? Or only when it’s natural? If you really are only complementing them when it’s on one side of the spectrum, then that’s an issue. Respect Black hair as an art form or even just a part of existence, in its entirety.

Also don’t say it’s kinky or wild hair. Black people can sometimes use those terms for themselves but it isn’t for us. There’s literally a ton of historical laws and economies that have oppressed Black people’s hair and those are some of the things that we should just listen to them about.

This can applied to other cultures’/races’ clearly visible differences from your own features, too.

General reminder 2: look at the kind of things you like to watch, or read, or even react with, like memes. Are they making fun of the minority people in those books? Would that meme be as funny to you if the person in the picture had facial features more like yours? Are the people who look like the person in that meme using that meme? Are People of Color getting to talk and have non-stereotypical storylines in your TV show? Are they even there?

Lastly: You’ve read all this advice from a white person. Go seek out advice, stories and more from other sources!!! It might hurt in the moment but that’s just called growing pains. You will still make mistakes but you have to look to the future! Learning from the sources themselves will be a lot more useful towards creating a pattern of information and behavior your autistic brains can utilize :). Let’s all go be better allies!

The books and authors I mentioned are great places to start and another really good one that I cannot recommend enough is the Levar Burton Reads podcast. But don’t just read fiction. Crack open some history books or podcasts or tv shows. Give yourself some context. Personally I adore Wikipedia when I want to find out more but I don’t have a book. Okay I’ll stop.

idgaf how autistic you are stop being racist😭😭

[lucysarah-c]

Hi!

How do you think Levi would reassure his chubby/plus size partner? For example for the most part, as a chubby/plus size person I’m pretty confident in my own skin. But sometimes (rarely) I just see the stretch marks and rolls and want to rip my skin off haha.

And how do you think he would support his partner during their weight loss journey and dealing with the after effects of loosing weight? (I’m currently on a journey myself and I’ve lost 4 stone I’m so proud of myself T^T)

Please feel free to give this a pass I just really like your analysis of Levi as a character and your lore-friendly headcannons!

Hi, love! Sorry for the late reply—I wanted to give this one extra love! 💕

First of all, I’m so proud of you, pookie! And you’re absolutely right to be proud of yourself! It’s always hard to make a change for the better and build healthier habits—not just for weight loss but for taking care of our bodies. That’s the spirit! 💖

Also, weight loss journeys can be tricky. Please remember that progress isn’t linear—it’s like crossing a field. Sometimes you go up, sometimes you go down, but what matters is that you keep going and don’t give up! It’s normal to have days where you feel down—I have them too. All the time, haha! What matters is not losing sight of your goal. And remember: 10-25% is always better than 0%!

Now, let’s talk about Levi. His biggest issue? He’s not good with words—especially reassuring ones. 😂 So please, have patience with this poor man. That said, during your journey, Levi would be an incredibly supportive partner—just in his own way.

You want to start jogging? He’s going with you. You want to hike on weekends to be more active and connect with nature? He’s already mapped out the best trails. You want to hit the gym? He’s making sure you do the exercises right and don’t injure yourself. You need to follow a nutrition plan? He’s taking the grocery list and handling it like a mission.

Levi is a silent supporter—he may not say much, but he’s always backing you up.

Where he struggles the most is with words—

Maybe it’s a hard day. Maybe you’re looking at yourself, feeling insecure. You’ve been working hard, but today, it just doesn’t feel like it’s showing. You’re getting ready, glancing at the mirror, and your self-esteem has seen better days.

You murmur, "Do you think I look the same? Do you think I look…"—you hesitate, then say it, "Fat?"

His silence makes you turn around, conflicted—only to find him staring at you, dead serious.

"Come here."

You frown. "What?"

"Come here." He repeats.

You walk up to him, confused. He gestures for you to get even closer.

"What?" you ask again.

"Closer. It’s a secret."

So you lean in—only for his warm breath to hit your skin as he murmurs in that low, raspy voice:

"Fat is my cock when I see you."

Your face burns. Your body tenses. You gasp, completely flustered—only for him to grab your waist and pull you closer. He smirks as you look away, both embarrassed and tempted.

"Levi!" you scold.

"What?" he teases, eyes glinting. "You want me to prove it?"

You roll your eyes. "Wow, so romantic."

He hums, satisfied. "I am. ‘Cause I love ya." Then he gently pushes your head closer, pressing a soft kiss to your hair before finally letting you go.

"Don’t be stupid," he mutters. "You’re doing great."

Hope you like this! 🥺💕 Thank you so much for your ask! Mwah! 😘✨

[dailymcrlyricanalysis]

You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison pt 2&3/4

Cw Rape

These lines have double meaning though, He could be talking to The Woman. Saying that this will make The Woman question his loyalty to her. He’s doing crime* with another person, that was their thing. That was how they showed that they loved each other, not exactly healthy but putting your life in danger for someone says “I love you” like nothing else.

“Now, but I can't, and I don't know How we're just two men as God had made us Well I can’t, Well I can” back to the Man’s companion, The Man is struggling with the idea of intimacy with another man. Well I can being the companion’s words.

“Too much, too late Or just not enough of this Pain in my heart for your dying wish I'll kiss your lips again” We’re back to talking about The Woman, he’s stopping his activities with the companion and distracting himself, reminding himself what he’s here to do in the first place. He feels really conflicted** about being in a relationship with a different person when his sole purpose is getting back to his lover.

We’re now in jail, and he’s talking about the struggles and his experience of being in jail.

“They all cheat at cards and the checkers are lost My cellmate's a killer, they make me do push-ups in drag” ***He’s having a shit time, he’s an effeminate guy so the other inmates are humiliating him with this. Theo’s Ghost on You tube has a great point on this, saying that it may be an attempt to make it feel less gay when they are having noncon sex with him.

“But nobody cares if you're losing yourself Am I losing myself? Well, I miss my mom Will they give me the chair? Or lethal injection, or swing from a rope, if you dare?” He’s afraid of what’ll happen to him.

*crime could be being used as a euphemism for an intimate relationship although not specifically sex

**and guilty

***gerard and bert ( mccracken from the used, who is featured on this song) will often use ‘killing’ as a metaphor for gay sex, so do with that what you will

[rarestdoll]

hole in the earth

prompt: stoner!reader who introduces abby to weed.

tags: wlw, weed usage, bashful abby, slightly nsfw, reader is black and femme cuz i said so !

ps: once again writing while high so don't hold me to any grammatical errors tehe ♪(´ε｀ )

the poor girl is a bit innocent in this field of recreation, a little on the side of goodie two shoes who swore she's "never done anything like this before" when u ask her on a random cold december night. it was technically "holiday season" as the stadium would call it, that meant time extra off for abby this time of year as a way to keep some "normalcy" in the base. the stadium's long hard hours of endless supply runs and tedious farmwork had paid off generously, making so that somebody had access to a few seeds to grow the plant and deal it out every so often. and of course you couldn't pass up on being a customer! so here you both sat in the dim light of abby's room, knees touching as you bundle under a shared blanket, baggy of green in one hand and rolling tray in the other to give the curious gal a few lessons.

"how come i never knew?" your concentration flicks to the blonde as you half assedly roll your eyes at her inquiry. she's acting like this is some big taboo secret!

"you're so funny miss top soldier, questioning me like everyone in here isn't high off something. you really haven't at least tried it? i know manny is a frequent, i see him and nora lighting up together from time to time too."

"MANNY AND NORA TOO? why am i the only know who didn't know?." abby exclaims, dragging a hand down her face in exasperation, the action so comically theatric that you have to laugh.

"cmon abs, it's really not that much of a biggie, it's just a funky little plant that makes you loopy. i wouldn't be dabbling myself if the effects weren't just the munchies and the giggles."

abby seems to roll your words around in her head a big, pushing her hair back behind her ears in slight irritation. she's silent for a few more moments before opening her mouth to speak again, this time her voice coming out in a husher tone, "are there any other ones?"

"pardon? any other people who smoke?"

"no, i mean side effects?" she clarifies, now appearing visibly nervous as she tumbles over her next choice of words, "i've heard things and i just wanted to know if they were... uh... right?"

"okay anderson, extremely vague cryptic vibes i'm getting at the moment, just spit it out."

abby puffs out her cheeks like she had been holding her breath, hands once again find her long locks to further rake the curtain of blonde away from her face. she's biting her lips now, a grave look of worry crossing her face and part of you adamantly wonders why she's so suddenly upset over what's seemingly a simple matter.

"i promise, im in no place at all to judge, abs. hell i've told you everything under the sun about myself and i'm sure whatever you're about to say won't throw me off too far."

"well..." she trails off, bottom lip again tugged between her teeth, blue eyes very pointedly not making contact with yours as you turn your body towards her more to show that you're still actively listening. "i read somewhere, in one of those natural drugs and remedies books that, marijuana can give some side effects that are akin to an aphrodisiac... and- uh well- i just wanted to know if that was true since ya know... you do it and all that and know how it feels to be high?"

you were well aware that abby was no stranger to sex, quite frankly one of the most familiar with it actually seeing how she's still studying to become a doctor; knowing sexual education is one of the things that's very heavily drilled the WLF's curriculum. but to witness her so shy around the subject like she's a blossoming virgin makes heat lick at the bottom of your stomach. her sudden interest in this only makes you curiouser

you let too much time pass between responding and in turn abby starts to ramble on helplessly, the tips of her ears flushing such a cute bright baby pink that almost makes you coo, "i- i mean im only curious you don't have... i'm sorry i'm not tryna yanno... ugh just don't make it any harder for me please!"

it's hard to stave off how tickled you are by this, you have never seen abigail anderson this nervous about anything much less regarding sex. you decide fucking with her will be the funnier course of action rather than showing her mercy, corners of your lip turning up into a smug smile and your eyes narrow in amusement.

"so what i'm getting is, you wanna know if weed gets my rocks off, anderson? are you sure you didn't hear this from manny or some shit?"

abby startles, tilting her head away from your accusing stare as the red at her ears now bleeds down to paint her cheeks, you can't believe your eyes are seeing the abigail anderson in this state.

"listen it's not like that... i errr... no i really did read it in a book! stop making me overexplain myself, you ass!" she says in strangled tone, "just tell me, you promised!"

her increased reaction makes you bark out a laugh, sides aching from holding it in, "i'm just fuckin with you abs." you busy your hands with sprinkling the plant into some joint papers then rolling it between your index and thumb fingers as you continue your thought, "your little book is right, at least in my case. i've had sex while high enough times to know it definitely gives you a heightened experience with stronger orgasms. you feel all relaxed and giggly and it's the best thing. makes me feel needier."

your own ears this time at the last part, you didn't necessarily have to say that. you dont shy away from sex either in the slightest, but admitting that to ur best friend does make you feel a bit bashful. it's no mystery that you both talk about stuff like this all the time since she's your best friend. you both are so close than hell the way you banter about it might as well be considered flirting. if one wasn't paying attention enough. but this time feels... different in way you can't exactly pinpoint at the moment.

abby doesn't comment on that yet only nods, reclining herself back to lay out on your rugged floor, her shirt riding up over her torso as she stretches. your eyes flit quickly from the sliver of unclothed skin back down to finishing the j in your hands, another flare of heat winding its away through your body.

it's quiet in your room for a few before abby shifts to face you once more, biting the inside of her cheek before speaking again, "i think i want to try it," she hesitates, one side of her mouth tugging into a smirk as she finds the proper words, "besides who else more perfect than you to guide me through my first time?"

you grin in response, fingers rolling the j tighter as you poke your tongue out to seal it shut, "say less, anderson. i got you." you don't miss the way abby's eyes flick down to watch the movement, her smile morphing into one less innocent than before. you surely were in for it now.

a/n: there will be a part 2 to this ^_^

[subaerial-dweller]

I also think it’s weird, especially because I had almost ramped myself up to find specific reactions of certain people to Natalie’s funeral, and now I’m just going to be looking for them later in the season because it doesn’t make sense that they’re absent.

Especially with Van, I was expecting some kind of acknowledgment of Nat’s death as a “well shit that’s going to be me in a short matter of time”. Like some kind of close-up shot, a weird expression, anything. Even if it’s not personally, because they didn’t see each other forever and barely interacted at Lottie’s compound, but just some thing of mourning in a way larger than herself.

I think Yellowjackets struggles a bit because of the massive time skips it employs between seasons. Like it’s been 6 weeks in the adult timeline, maybe most of the team (except Misty she’s in the trenches) have gotten over the worst of their grief? So no one gives a shit anymore by the time the memorial rolls around? I don’t know. I am hoping to see more in the way of grief/acknowledgement of Nat from the others in the rest of the season, so far it can be hard to judge because there’s only two episodes out.

This is kind of separate but your point about them being “numb” to death makes absolute sense. They’ve encountered so much of it at this point, who’s counting when another one bites the dust? (that was mean, RIP Nat) But I’d think from the adults, especially with Nat’s suggested role in their survival and rescue, that this crazy unique dependent bond between those survivors would carry through and they’d feel something, anything. But on the other hand, Nat was really the only one reacting to Travis’s death in the expected way, so maybe it’s customary that the Yellowjackets kind of take a step back whenever one of their own dies and lets the person closest to the dead one grieve most publicly. Like Lottie with Laura Lee, Tai when she thought Van was dead, Travis with Javi, Shauna with Jackie. And now they’re letting Misty take the reins there, because a group in mourning does nothing for survival, so better let the one person take the bulk of the grief for the good of the group. This could also lead in with the theory that the Antler Queen is a ceremonious, switching position, and whoever is closest with the sacrifice steps into that chief role, carrying that burden while directing the others in the semi-respectful ceremony of cannibalism they perform every time. So maybe it’s just the rest of the team’s fucked-up way of saying “Misty, you’re the closest to her here, you do your thing” so they don’t even try to interfere with whatever depressive activities Misty has been up to in the past 6 weeks.

I don’t know. You make a lot of very valid points and I think we’re just going to have to watch for the rest of the season, see if any meaningful display of mourning crops up in the rest of the team! Also, I’m sorry for hijacking your post with my essay, I didn’t expect I’d have this much to say on the subject.

SPOLIERS FOR YELLOWJACKETS SEASON 3

is it just me who finds it a BIT weird how every other girl (other than misty) reacted to nats death??? like ur telling me 3 of them hardly acknowledge it and lottie, who spent a week getting to know nat again, only sees it as an accident and unfortunate??? obv everyone handles grief differently, and im sure all the yellowjackets are far used to death from what they went through, it just seems a tad bit odd the only conversation they had after her funeral was about what THEIR funeral would look like. like come on. not even a comment about the eulogy???

again, maybe they really are just numb to this sort of thing and misty only reacted because of how close they were. of course, misty and nat defitnitly have a different relationship to probably any of the yellowjackets, which i will certainly be making a post on later..... but all the others are yellowjackets too. yet they seem to be too caught up in their own lives to even notice???

ive also noticed this with other characters deaths, like with laura lees for example, and how only lottie seemed to truly care. again, for obvious reasons, but its a pretty big possibilty that they wouldn't have even toasted to laura lee if it wasnt for lottie. and this was at a time where they werent even numbed by death yet.

maybe this is incoherent idk!!!! but just errr what i've been thinking about!!

[unclefungusthegoat]

.

[fisheito]

Me: Everything i make is garbage i shouldn't even bother

The eiden in my head:

Me: Sorry eiden you're right my efforts have value

[trustworthycinnamon]

howdy Dirk Nation how are we feeling about splinter parallels

[marzipanilla]

They coulda still had all the overarching stories but with their new character development from the show! They coulda !

I can sit there and try and justify everything, Oliver is an alien (true!), compassion and empathy are different things, it would be neat to see an actual portrayal of a character who lacks empathy and must learn to operate with compassion- except if Oliver gave zero fucks about life, why does he give a shit about being a hero? What is his motivation at all for stopping 'bad guys' if he thinks life is worthless/meaningless? It's like every time I try to apply nuance to the situation I'm just left with more questions about why the fuck the situation is that way at all. All surrounded by the singular question, why does he give a single flying fuck about Nolan.

FR ! Like, I get that in some capacity you are Tired, Mark, but quite frankly- most of the time- the world should operate without you operating as a hero. Cecil would arguably dial back on stalking your life if you took a break from heroing (since it is apparently such a fucking burden??) and just focused on your brother. Let guilt build up in him that way! I took a step back because people didn't trust me, but now maybe there were things I could have stopped! What would it have been like for Immortal to have to come to Mark for help with something ??? What if they tried to guilt trip him bc he wasn't helping only for him to snap that helping wasn't making them happy either and now not helping is getting the same result! It's like S1 almost set him up for the whole Superman-esque morality, and then everything after has sort of failed to live up to that. Mark doesn't seem to have a very consistent moral compass, though I can definitely see people arguing his fight with Cecil is an extension of that compass, except the entire thing feels self-sabotagy and perfunctory on Mark's end. If he is desperate for black and white morality after what his dad did, portray it more??? His whole response to what his dad did IS very personal and self-centered and has nothing really to do with right or wrong, he is just determined not to be viewed the same way!

And I get not wanting to be viewed as a murderer! Very understandable! But what are your stances on helping people?? is it truly just guilt ?? Everyone who does anything bad ever should go to prison forever IS a very young concept of justice, and he IS a teenage boy! So where is his breakdown over needing to go to prison! Mark can acknowledge nuance, sometime, so is his moral compass just, if I fight someone they must go to prison bc I am right?? When did he ever have an opinion on right or wrong?? His only stance on anything is apparently, don't kill ppl, which is wild bc pretty much ALL the heroes of this world are shown very offhandedly killing people very casually. (Immortal throwing a man into space in ep1 anyone...) so like. His no kill ideology is very much tied into what his dad did. idk. I can talk myself into circles trying to sort out whatever the fuck is going on there. and then I'm just going in more circles lol

Immortal waiting for the actual threat to be gone before he has an opinion is wild xD And after you shook his hand and acted like you were totally cool w him after the seqid shit too. His consequences shit STILL gets me. Sir. You actively quit heroing bc you felt sad then invited your own ass back. Where was your sense of responsibility then? Your concept of CONSEQUENCES? You're allowed to take yourself off the board, potentially contributing to the death of countless civilians since this world apparently can't do shit unless there's at least one superman-figure present, but no one can call you out for that? If it is such a damn honor and privilege to be a Guardian why are you walking away from it?

Nolan having zero social concept of interacting with people in a 'I am not here to rule you way' arguably makes SOME sort of sense (god I still can't fathom what his thought process was there, like sir, they STILL know where you are, even if you won on Thraxa everything would still suck), but Immortal?? bruh?? you lived how damn long and somehow you came to the conclusion being an authoritarian was good??

Allen annoys me not bc he falls flat as a comedy relief char (and admittedly I'm also just not a Seth Rogan fan so when I hear his voice I just go -.-) but bc he gets to magically become strong and impossible to kill. Just like Oliver suddenly being so strong after having powers for .5 seconds, it just becomes- what's the point of Mark putting in effort if literally every character around him doesn't have to??? His effort isn't even rewarded! He's still getting his ass beat by a low stakes S1 villain! And then people bring up the whole Mark is holding back thing, and then that all collapses back on itself bc, then where are his guilt trips when he loses it. Not to mention you literally could have just flown through the Pauls to grab Rex and not wasted time punching their heads offs? Again, sir, you are indestructible battering ram who can fly to the moon and back in seconds. Who cares about your sudden lack of punching power despite that supposedly being the thing you've improved on, I need you to start moving faster.

Mark agreeing to go hang out on a beach w Debbie instead of refusing and the beach is Beach City (am now officially thinking too much about this crossover lol)

The way I got caught up on our back and forth I almost forgot this, lol! AND OH MY GOODNESS, IMAGINE? I forget exactly what which point Debbie makes the beach offer, but I’d love when exactly in SU/SUF-timeline they’d go? There’s something so fucking funny to me about them going during the SUF-timeline and always narrowly missing the strange, Steven-shaped mental breakdowns in the back. I know those don’t occur in a single day, but it’s tickling me. How could they miss anything? I don’t know I just think it’s funny.

Though, post-SUF is interesting if Gems can see the similar “world on your shoulders”, Mark has going on! Steven can shunt the narrative in the Gems’ minds, which I think is neat, if I’m not misusing the phrase since the guy’s on the road far away. Or maybe it’s just before Steven goes and they stumble into each other. I’d kinda love Pearl and Debbie interacting, honestly, if they could talk about loving someone who hurt you, hide things from you, even when you thought you knew them so deeply, and they left you to raise a child. Pearl being in a well adjusted space, and Debbie still grieving.

Honestly, the gems could help train Mark, they’re got experience and similar-ish powers in strength, sturdiness, and they can jump/run fast enough for flying to be vaguely similar enough to lecture about, I think. Or Lapis Lazulis, haha! Peridot with her trash can lid! Garnet, I’d love to see if she told Mark anything about his future in vague, well meaning advice. Or even giving relationship advice considering Amber. Or, importantly, how to convince an entire reign to end their colonizing ways, lol. Is Mark perhaps willing to start a war, take advantage of being related to any leaders, or fake his own death to varying results?

In general, there’s something so fucking funny to me about Nolan, in the sake of comparison, being Pink Diamond coded. Like OH, did an important or well respected of the colonizing empire come to earth and learn the beauty of its people and nature, including faking/lying/omitting things about his identity and background to being in, only to feel conflicted when his responsibility still remained, and he tried to free himself from them? Yikes! We’ve been through that before! Like gimme Pink Diamond and Nolan outfit swap rn. This is tickling me so much oh my goodness.

[a-scary-lack-of-common-sense]

I am exhausted, good heavens.

[sysig]

Moving out of concept art and into what’s Actually Done! Showcased here are a couple expressions for both pets so far with their dialogue balloons - mostly pulled from NPC references, but I did get a screenshot of my pet in-game using it in reply, not just in Kinzchat! So cute <3

They’re both introducing themselves here with the names I’ve given them, but I really wanted the process to be as Webkinz-like as possible, with a few extras :)

Which started with being able to pick pet pronouns! Thinking about it now, Webkinz doesn’t ask for player pronouns, does it? :0 But I wanted that to be an option too! It was...something of a process to go from one set of adjustable pronouns to three, especially as I haven’t played with any Ghosts that give you the option to assign both the character(s)’ and player’s pronouns! I had to give it a fair bit of thought of what to check against and how to not have them interfere with or overwrite each other (which did happen early on lol), but I got it! Only took a couple hours of frustrated-sleepily hammering away haha

These screenshots were taken pretty much back-to-back - the only thing changed here is what shell is being used, and shell-checking has come in soooo clutch here ahh, thank goodness ♥ Many and big thank-yous again to @cherryistired​​ for helping me troubleshoot menu shell-switching! Exactly what I needed, am very grateful :D

My original concept sketch of this process was perhaps a little overconfident in what I could accomplish for my first time playing in code lol; I have seen custom pronoun-setting though! And I think I probably could do that, but multiple pronouns... Again, I think I could, but... The name of the game was limiting my scope (lol) to see how many Different things I could implement in short order, so I’ll gladly take my three sets of pronouns and pet names vs. player name and go haha

It’s also a bit funny to look back on this little Diamond - I really haven’t drawn her much! Kind of loosely following Webkinz’ style, her face looks especially silly I think haha

I’ve also got my main menu balloon looking rather fabulous imo ✨ Technically there’s two - More and Back - and most of the features are Very Much in the Coming Soon To A Ghost Near You phase lol, but they’re all {bracketed} up to be filled in as I get their assets made :D There’s still a few placeholder pieces here and there - especially since I haven’t gotten to inter-Ghost communication just yet. Everything in its own time!

I ended up having a lot-a lot of fun with naming and renaming, I went a little silly with Just How Many reactions the pets could have to their names haha

They’ll refuse to be named after any of the Hosts directly, and they’ll give you a side-eye if the name is Close To but not Quite a match haha

The mischievous expression has gotten an awful lot of use already! Although I’ll probably change the “Nu-uh!” expression to something else once I have an alternative that fits better - I need that gradient-to-mad expression set so bad!

And although they won’t accept NPC names, you can name yourself after a Host, and they’ll react! :D There really is so much flexibility for Easter Eggs like this ahh, it’s fun!

All told, I ended up playing the most in Bootend, Menu, Nameteach (hgh), and String, although I’m realizing now that maybe a lot of the stuff I put in String belongs in Word...? It’s all been OnFunctions anyhow, and it’s organized in a way that makes sense to me but is perhaps not as intended lol - nothing says I can’t go back in and move some stuff around, as long as it continues to function properly haha. I’ve kept my error log neat and tidy!! As many times as I’ve broken something, I’ve fixed it thereafter! :D It’s a very satisfying process ♪

[thedreadvampy]

unfortunately the world is too fucking messed up so I am currently unable to give a shit about how messed up everything is because it's all too big and if I get upset about any of it my entire ability to be a person will come crashing in

normal service will resume as soon as possible

[pilonciillo]

lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety