Text
I offered to give the florist a hand with her deliveries again, like I did on Mother's Day, and doing it on All Saints' Day was a different and quieter experience; I liked it. The florist's husband and I went around putting flowers on graves in various local graveyards for people who don't live nearby and can't visit the graves themselves; sometimes we had a graveyard map and the right grave was marked with a little X, so there was an interesting treasure hunt aspect to it. Sometimes there was no map, only indications given by the customer. The customer is not very good at giving indications. When you're looking for the grave of someone named Bernard and your post-it note says it's the first grave on the left when you enter, but this grave says 'To my beloved grandmother', you just have to trust your instinct telling you that Bernard is elsewhere.
Another person indicated that there was a statue of a rooster near their relative's grave, but my earnest rooster search turned up nothing. (Me: "Is it possible that they mistook a real rooster for a statue?" Florist's husband: "Everything is possible.") Another level of difficulty was a village graveyard where almost everyone had the same last name, and there were several Jeannes. (Florist's husband: "Are there any other indications?" Me: "Yes. The note says the tombstone is made of grey stone." "(deep sigh)" Me: "These Jeannes already have some flowers—should I give the flowers to the Jeanne who doesn't have any?" "That's not how it works.") (😔)
But all in all delivering flowers in rural graveyards on behalf of faraway relatives of the deceased is a picturesque and peaceful activity, and you can discover interesting old-timey names. I was telling a friend earlier that doing this full-time was possibly my dream job: you get to be alone but feel close to humanity; it's calm and gives you time to think, and it's the right amount of challenging (to find Bernard). Too bad it's only really needed on All Saints' Day. I don't like driving but I could picture myself walking around with my donkey carrying baskets of flowers, going from village to village, being greeted like an old friend by graveyard cats. Crossing villages by foot involves a daunting amount of small talk—so I would travel & work at night. On nights when there are no flowers to deliver I would be content to skulk around my graveyards, waiting to be summoned. (My friend, clarifying: "Your dream job is 'nice ghoul.'")
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
Inspired by a post by @snakeredbirdbatkatana
Tim couldn’t believe it. He’d been left behind. AGAIN.
His siblings really should’ve learned their lesson at this point. But no, they were too busy paying attention to themselves to think about Tim.
Dick had been exposed to the Morality Virus first. It removed your morality, leaving nothing but emptiness behind. He wouldn’t be held back anymore - now, he could do things like kill the Joker and avenge his brother without guilt. (It also gave you a general disdain for human life, which was a problem, but Dick could manage it. It would be fine. Right?) He was quick to infect Jason, thinking he’d enjoy the freedom. He infected Damian after, knowing Damian would enjoy being able to give into his more feral instincts.
Dick didn’t go after Cass, Duke, or Steph. Cass chose not to kill because she couldn’t stand watching people die, not with her ability. It had nothing to do with morals for her, so there was no point. Duke was too new for the family to know how he’d react to something like this. And Steph had actively chosen to reject her villain father and become a vigilante, partially because of a grudge and partially because of the adrenaline rush of vigilantism. She’s probably just pick being a hero anyway.
So obviously, Dick would go for Tim next, right?
No!
No, he started branching out to heroes outside of Gotham!
Unbelievable.
Tim hacked Dick’s computer, only to see his analysis:
Tim looks up to Bruce too much and would keep following him. Besides, he has a strong sense of morality, and would likely keep operating under it out of habit.
Did Dick really not know Tim that well? How little did his brother care about him to not notice?
Tim followed Bruce’s moral code because he didn’t have one of his own originally. He was very detached from normalcy and therefore morality as a kid. He took up Bruce’s code, following his example (not his words, mind you) down to the last detail, including being willing to leave bad people for dead if needed. But it wasn’t because he looked up to Bruce. It was because Bruce had a strong moral code and therefore was a good person to model his own after. It was convenient and reliable. Not some stupid hero worship bullshit.
Tim was so incredibly offended that his brothers cared so little that they couldn’t even tell this basic thing.
Cass noticed, of course. She read Dick’s note over Tim’s shoulder and gave him a hug.
“He doesn’t get it,” she said. “He can’t imagine why you would do be like this otherwise. He won’t consider other options.”
“He’s just… excluding me. Because he doesn’t understand me. How stupid. Everyone else had thought out reasons for exclusion, and he only wants to turn people who will kill because the virus is driving him to turn as many people as possible to create lots of killers, so those exclusions had valid reasonings. But me? Hero worship?”
“Honestly, I feel like this is a good thing to be excluded from,” Steph commented as she walked in.
“You don’t get it, Steph. It’s not that I want to be dosed-“
“You want to be seen. I get it, Tim. And I see you, but I know you want your whole family to be able to see you.”
Tim nodded.
“So how do you get them to see you, and how do you save them?” she prompted.
“…I get myself infected,” he whispered. “Act like I’m on his side. And deliver the antidote when I’m close.”
“Exactly. Can you do it?”
“Of course,” he replied.
“He will,” Cass chimed in confidently.
And that’s how, a week later, Tim ended up breaking into Dick’s apartment, alone and unarmed.
“Dick.”
“Tim? What are you doing here?”
“I’m here to prove a fucking point.”
“And that is?” Dick asked with a frown.
“That you don’t know me half as well as you think,” Tim replied, grabbing a syringe of the virus and jabbing himself with it before Dick could stop him.
“What?” Dick asked in a whisper.
It felt strange, being hit with the virus. All it really did was make him feel cold for a moment, and give him the slight nagging sense that he should start killing people. But he easily shook the feeling off by reminding himself of the code.
“Pay better attention to your siblings, asshole.”
“I… Tim, I don’t understand.”
“I don’t have hero worship for Bruce. And I certainly don’t have a strong sense of morality. I never had morals, Dick. You think I would’ve stalked Batman if I did?”
“Well well well,” Jason said, walking into the room. “Pay up, Dick. Told you you were wrong about him.”
Tim almost jumped in surprise. Of his brothers he was definitely closest with Jason, but he hadn’t realized Jason would know him well enough to bet on this.
“But he…”
“Was raised without morals. It’s obvious. He doesn’t think about moral implications until he’s already 50 clones into trying to bring his clone bestie back.”
Dick choked out a cough. “What?”
“Yeah, not my finest moment,” Tim admitted. “I was not thinking about the ethical implications of cloning, I just missed my friend. Bruce’s code is a strong and simple road map. That’s all.”
“Amazingly, I actually respect you more for that,” Damian told Tim as he entered the room. “It takes a lot of willpower to follow a code that’s not your own.”
Perfect. All of them were here.
“Thanks, Damian.”
“You are welcome. I assume your presence here means you are on our side? We have planned our first escapade.”
“What’s the plan?”
“Lure all of the currently free rogues into one spot, then blow up the building. Immediately after, blow up Arkham. Civilian casualties will be a factor, of course, but a necessary one to rid the city of evil.”
Huh. Even with no morals, they were still heroic. Interesting.
“I can help with that,” Tim said, pulling a device out of his pocket.
“What’s that?” Jason asked.
All three came closer, and Tim pushed the small red button on top. Gas instantly exploded outwards, enveloping the room.
The sounds of coughing surrounded him, and he felt the curse of the virus wash off. He didn’t suddenly gain morals, of course, but his drive to kill was gone, which was a relief.
As the smoke cleared, Tim saw his brothers sitting on the floor.
“What the…” Dick started, before clapping a hand over his mouth in horror. “Oh god, was I really planning to…”
“Yeah,” Tim replied, standing up and leaving the apartment. “Next time, pay better attention to your siblings, asshat. You would’ve known that because I don’t have morality to follow, I would stick to saving you all and saving the city. I thought we were brothers, Dick. But you proved today that I’m just another face in the crowd to you.”
With those words, Tim left. Cass, who had been waiting outside in case it went wrong, gave him a quick hug, and the pair grappled off together.
“That was AWESOME,” Steph said over comms. “You kicked so much ass, Tim. They’ll think twice before dismissing you again.”
“I hope so,” Tim whispered. “I was honestly surprised that Jason at least partially knew that I would act that way.”
“Yeah, well, Dick will think twice about underestimating you again.”
And he did. When Dick came back to the cave that night, he sat down and had a conversation with Tim, telling him about his impressions of Tim and asking him to correct anything he got wrong. To Tim’s surprise, Dick actually saw a lot more than he expected. He even picked up on the fact that Tim’s first male crush had been Kon, even if Tim hadn’t admitted it even to himself. And Dick was the only person who’d ever told Tim that they had figured out that Tim had originally modeled his personality after a book character. Dick wasn’t wrong; Tim had no idea how to act normal as a kid, and modeled himself after his favorite character. His actions changed over time, becoming more natural and more his own, but they’d still originally been based on someone else. Dick had picked up on that, to Tim’s amazement.
It turned out, Dick actually knew Tim better than he ever realized his brother did. Dick just missed the morality piece because Tim had never wavered from the code and had always been so devoted to following Bruce’s code that Dick assumed it was hero worship of the first hero Tim knew.
They vowed to be more open about things in the future and to work on knowing each other better. And Dick vowed never to exclude Tim again unless someone else gave him a very, very good reason to do so (such as the “it’ll make him want to get involved if he knows and his involvement will make this worse” type of stuff typical in their line of duty).
#no I don’t think Tim was actually raised without morals#this is just an au :)#but also Tim really does follow Bruce’s code by example not by words
32 notes
·
View notes
Note
RE: Your post about Israel. You want me to just, hate a country? Many of my friends are Jewish or Israeli. It seems reductive to say “if you support Israel at all DNI.” Big “Us Vs. Them” and “Inability to separate government from people” vibes.
You're embarrassing yourself. Defending a genocidal ethnostate online from the mean bloggers who tell its defenders to get out of her sight with these limp and tired 'points' is embarrassing for you. I hope you're a teenager, because thinking of you as a gullible teenager is the nicest way I can think of you.
It's massively insulting to Jewish people to equivocate being Jewish with being pro-Israel Zionist. Apparently you believe that "living in a country" = "supporting a country's actions", which matches up well with your obvious inability to have a single thought for yourself when you can deepthroat apartheid propaganda instead. It is actually kind of funny that you're clutching your pearls over being told I hate a country, when I'm guessing that you share Israel's fundamental belief that all Palestinian men, women, and children should be wiped off the face of the Earth.
More than that, it's actively depressing that in my inbox contains a criminally stupid Zionist who got offended when I drew boundaries in my own blog and decided to send a crying anon about it to me; and next to it I have an ask from a Palestinian begging for money so he can save his family's life. Delivering cool dunks against you would be extremely easy and would make me feel like a cool #activist but it feels actively stupid to do so at this point in time. I made a post blasting the fact that I don't want to engage in a debate and that I'm deeply intolerant of pro-Israel and Zionist views, and you rolled up trying to debate with me over it instead of blocking me and moving on. I'm not going to step into your Tumblr slapfest out of the desire to give sweet dunks or delude myself into thinking that I can change the mind of someone who just wanted to start an argument for the sake of it. My greatest hope for you as a person is that you're deeply ashamed of yourself in ten years, but at this point you're probably so entrenched into your victim complex that you've chosen to die on the hill of people shooting children in the head.
You're wasting your life and polluting your soul, so do what I told you to do in the first place and go someplace where I'm not asked to waste my own life speaking to you.
#i contemplated not dumping fuel into the fire of your victim complex and being like nicer or something#because feeding your sense of persecution is going to make it much more difficult for you to stop being a zionist in the future#being catty online is satisfying but can be counter productive for these reasons#but then i remembered that people who argue with your DNIs are probably already deep into the pit#and thinking that slapfights have moral value is tumblr activism at its finest#i have basic respect for other people so you'll almost never see me actually be mean on my blog#not for this moron though. like who cares.
30 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#what am I even doing with myself anymore#I feel like the world is falling out from underneath me#i'm gonna be moving again in the next 6 months#and i have to give up this job#which is a job i hate#but is also my only source of income and socialisation#and now the pressure is on even more to find a new job#which#you know#was going SO WELL before#we're moving to the middle of nowhere#so I will be completely cut off from everywhere without having to take a bus AND a train#and there's NO theatre jobs there let's face it#and until I get a better job my fiance can't move here#I feel like the world is expecting everything of me#and I'm disappointing everyone#I can actively feel myself giving up on myself#and just giving in to being a waste of space for the rest of my life
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Me: Everything i make is garbage i shouldn't even bother
The eiden in my head:
Me: Sorry eiden you're right my efforts have value
#any time i feel down about the act of creation#actually. any time i feel this way about... saying words in public too#when i'm typing up a comment anywhere on this site and the internal narration is constantly trying to stop me#with LOUD whispers of No one cares!! or even worse... people actively do not want to know ur thoughts!!! zip them fingerlips!!!!!!#during moments of struggle like this#i summon eiden like the powerful support assist he is#into my battle against myself#hey if he can fix kuya he can definitely fix me 😂#he is a stellar therapist for the clan. so strong. how does he do it#a new coping mechanism!! next time you feel down about your work#imagine you're one of eiden's clan members#exhibiting Mental Illness#and he just gives u that empathetic loving look. with some weird combo of words that makes u feel infinitely better#love u eiden u damaged sweetheart ty for the cbt#nu carnival eiden
136 notes
·
View notes
Text
Howdy Ultimate Dirk nation how are we doing today I'm sorry for my evil crimes (or am I)
#homestuck#homestuck beyond canon#dirk strider#ultimate dirk#ult dirk#homestuck 2#hsbc#epic galleria#i dont like adding so many technical tags but if i dont organize myself i'll fucking explode and die and go Ult#one might call this yassifying. i simple call it having a Big Brain and Seeing the Truth#that screenshot is from an upload of Beatup btw. mf has like 3 fucking theme songs. lets beat him up#i was forced to draw fuckin hands. worst moment in my life. this was my own form of torture#you can see where i started to give up and go Fuck it We ball. tf is this bastard hunk wearing#what it is wrong with him. it is so attractive#i want him so bad i feel sick. i think i hauve covid. joder que bueno está el condenao me lo cargo a besos dame una noche con él#hey why dont you fuck with My narrative handsome. leans against wall with a rose on my mouth#i dont even read h:bc btw but the slay energy that panel had provoked some energy inside me in me to activate
94 notes
·
View notes
Text
feeling a little bit weird and lonely tonight @_@ catch me on disco if u need me! ✌🏼
#ooc.#negative ish#i promised myself this blog would just be a fun sandboxy place to chatter about ocs and canons with pals from sephblog#filed under: icarus flying too close to the sun (the sun is people pleasing)#ACTIVELY. reminding myself that the ocs are just as good and important and not annoying#hits suguru with a hammer. i love u but i start to lose my identity when being good enough w/ a canon becomes too impt#like chill. ur fine. you can yap about ur babies!!! and if ppl dont like it they can unfollow HFKSBDNSND#anyways sorry for tag ramblins my thoughts just feel more coherent in this format#i WILL be respected and enjoy this social hobby space and it is NOT that deep so help me god#i need to show the ocs some more love. give me ur ocs too i will eat them up so lovingly#also if u have good oc blog recs lmk!!!#bite bite bite
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
Feeling very Ascension by Gorillaz ft Vince Staples at 2:18
#i need to solve a puzzle or some shit. god. fuck.#i cant concentrate on anything i cant fall asleep i cant stay asleep i cant stay awake i cant wake up on time#i hate depression 😒 and all the other things wrong with me yknow#i need to do something like. good for me. but its so damn hard to drag myself into doing that too#brain. stop being so foggy. please.#im even like. im eating im drinking water. i could probably like do some sort of exercise but everything makes me so tired.....#like even a walk yknow? i do my shift at work and im at 3% battery. i dont. i dont know what to do man#and i dont even wanna die about it???? im actively NOT suicidal for once#like are you kidding me??? ive been suicidal for like over a decade and for once#my brain is still popping up like have you considered killing yourself? 🤔 but im Genuinely not swayed by it at all#which is weird. and probably good. but now i just feel like. numb#stuck. stagnant. foggy. can we PLEASE cut through this fog and have some meaningful brain functions for a little bit. brain. cmon#i dont wanna die but i *do* wanna sleep for like. three days#i want a week off where i have NOTHIN to do#genuinely nothing to do. chores are done work is on pause i need nothing creeping in at the edges thinkin bout#ohhhhh you should be doing this instead..........youre wasting your time........do a task.....#but i cant i cant do a task. i cant. and its so frustrating and i feel bad about it#id feel much worse about it if my BRAIN wasnt as foggy as fucking SAN FRANCISCO#and i keep trying like. healthy ways of ''feeling something'' like hobbies i like or yummy food#nothin. does fuckin nothin. i get off and it gives me a Little bit of clarity Maybe. like#no wonder bad coping mechanisms happen yknow??? its an absolute fucking miracle i havent taken up smoking#anyway. i need to go to bed. tomorrows gonna be a long day. if you feel so inclined send me mental love or something. im fuckin tired folks.
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
alright anorexia is boring, let’s get yolked
#yeah so i gained 20lbs and started hitting the gym pretty hard two months ago#struggling with weight restoration/relapse urges worse than ever BUT i’m also feeling good about my progress and enjoying myself immensely#honestly didn’t realize how bad i missed lifting#and now that i have time off work i can actually focus on getting my nutrition right (i.e. actually consuming enough protein for once)#pegasus speaks#my face#my ancient ipod camera is shit quality but my abs are starting to show for the first time in like … 1.5 years lol#and im pleased with my anterior/lateral delts! although my pecs need some serious work. wtf#i train chest 2-3x/week and i can still see bones fml#ed ment tw#weight tw#ask to tag#i feel like i’m kind of relearning all my limits. like in terms of physical/mental energy and stuff. idk#doing a lot of research and figuring it out as i go. trying to avoid falling into systemic fatigue etc#i’m already exhausted all the time but my doctor told me i should keep active so. i am#as much as i love the gym i do have to compensate in other areas of my life#if i want to push myself this hard then that’s my choice. but like. i need to give up on doing other things. give and take. spoon theory#etc etc etc
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
i hope you don’t mind me not participating in sunday six for so long and not updating my fic... i’m having a bit rough time handling my life irl right now
#meaning i’m having the worst start of the year ever#i’m EXHAUSTED fucking exhausted from my living situation and it doesn’t seem to get better any time soon#naturally i don’t have it in me to write because i don’t have enough time to relax. it’s been three fucking weeks.#i just don’t know even my body gives up from this stress and not like something terrible is happening#it’s extremely upsetting also considering that i love writing and it’s the only activity that makes sense to me#and always has been like that it’s in my core#and i. can’t do it. i can’t. i have no willpower or strength and it’s not writer’s block i’m just SO TIRED ALL THE TIME#therapy and years of medication mean nothing at this fucking point. props to me for not killing myself tho. well done 👍#sorry for ranting i am so frustrated that i can scream. i have actually. didn’t help.#well ahem i hope you understand 🙏 i feel bad that i’ve promised the chapter a long time ago and NOT TO BE THAT AO3 AUTHOR but#i really wanted to keep my promise. fuck me i guess#putting letters together one word at a time
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
hey did you know being disabled affects your ability to do things. fucked up if true
#SOME PRIMAL YEARNING DEEP WITHIN THE HOLLOWS OF MY CHEST. FOR A MATH CLASS#aspen tag#i miss doing things!#i miss learning! i miss activity! i miss being able to keep up with my interests or have hobbies or even just eat three meals a day!#i miss feeling like i had control over any part of my life!#i'm tired of being tired! it's all been the same for so long and i don't know if there's a way out!#i wouldn't know how to break out of it either way but it'd be nice to know that maybe i could!#everyone expects me to have all the answers#and all i can give is that if i knew how to help myself i wouldn't fucking be here in the first place!#coughs and composes myself. sorry. there was physics in the fic i was reading#and i briefly remembered what it was like to just. fully invest yourself in something. and how fun it is#the feeling is. um. somewhat of a rarity nowaday#gestures. avolition when i muster the energy to get you. anhedonia when i find it in myself to care#deep sigh. and so it goes 👍
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Not feeling great abt some of my creative endeavors rn
#ramblings#neg#specifically abt project: new moon#i can feel myself actively losing interest in continuing to write for it#like the main story is already out there and that's fine#but even tho i have ideas for oneshots and stuff to introduce more characters (like those redesigns for rouge and shadow i did a while ago)#it just. doesn't feel worth continuing. idk why#i guess it might be the lack of interest for my writing in general#or maybe project: new moon just. isn't that great#which is fine the point of the project was to do it for fun not to make something objectively good#but ig i'm just. not feeling it anymore? i don't feel satisfied with it like i did when i finished writing it#i still love my ocs and the redesigns i did of canon characters for it#and i'm glad i got the story i've had in my head since i was like 12 out there. even if it's very different from how i first envisioned it#but. i really just wanna put it to rest#i really don't feel like i can promise any more writing for it. not like anybody cared abt it anyway besides like 3-4 ppl + myself#idk man i wanna move on from it. i have other stuff i wanna write that i feel guilty for not doing#bc i'd said i'd write more for project: new moon and still haven't#i think i'd be happier if i let the fanfic go and just draw my ocs and my redesigns when i feel like it#without worrying abt the fic anymore#bc frankly ever since writing the epilogue my heart just didn't feel like it was in it#thinking abt it felt like a chore more than anything. so maybe it'd be for the best to just leave it as it is#that comic i said i'd write is still happening tho i still really wanna do it#but that's different from writing fanfic so#anyway. might turn the project: new moon blog into a general writing blog#if i finish the corrupted au fic i'm currently working on. idk yet we'll see#but yeah. i know i shouldn't trust how i feel past 9 pm but I've been feeling this for a while now so whatever#i think i should've seen this coming in retrospect. pretty much everything i do that isn't just art never gets much traction anyway#can't say i'm really giving up on it considering it's TECHNICALLY complete#but the way things are going feels almost exactly like the rp and ask blogs i've tried to run in the past#idk man. i gotta stop thinking abt this before the vague feelings of inadequacy spiral into something worse. goodnight
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Feel like at this point I should just move her to main muse instead of test / request / plotted only.
Her muse is high anyway and I do like the concept they did with her in the finale and would like to expand on it mainly because I am salty how dirty this show has done her.
She will obviously still remain strictly plotted only because I don't like throwing her towards others unless it's talked about (pre caution on my part bc again, dislike how the show treated her and unless it is someone in my inner circle i am not really fond of throwing her at folks)
#ooc#i keep thinking about her and how she is literally just the shows punching bag#idk i know it was said the creator doesn't seem to like her so I got the feeling they only brought her back#because oh people like her? we can profit from her merch! :D#and they did admit that after the pilot the show was rewritten#but like.#again.#it worked in the pilot between Uzi and J because J was actively engaging and her overconfidence was her downfall#and she got killed out of pettiness when she was willing to do an allyship#afterwards?#its just so one sided and the 'joke' has become extremely stale#the fight between V and J? It works#it's a messed up of 'blame the messanger' scenario#V was angry and scared and had no idea what's going on#the fight between Uzi / J and Cyn???#what was the point other than make J the punching bag of it#the fight works well without J because the J parts are not even funny and it's just extremely annoying at this point#literally they did not even give J a chance to grow and just decided that using her as a punching bag would be hilarious#and she genuinely does not get it because from her perspective#V and N betrayed her#plus they mostly won bc plot armor / luck anyway#and they keep doing it with her in the merch ads and its just.#its just so stale okay#much as i would love that J figure and plush#i cannot bring myself to give a single cent to that show with how they treat her#like. J is a bad leader and does get physical but once again.#she was just as much of a victim of cyn as everyone else
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset
#oohoohoo the self destructive ''well maybe I'll just push myself bc im going to be tired either way'' sure was a bad choice!#''lol who cares anymore im sick of being fatigued and im probably just making it up'' you are a fucking idiot god bless your soul#and yet.... the urge to Make It Worse is still so strong.... gee i sure do love p.mdd!#honest to god im so fucking frustrated w this brain lately#been trying to hide any sharps away from myself because I've just been so wildly careening into self destructive tendencies#and im sick of trying to like. control myself. i am my own keeper and im fucking sick of it gjfkdl#im trying so fucking hard to hold it together and keep myself on the right path but im really just incredibly tired#it feels like im trying to wrestle a knife out of a toddler's hand#and then the toddler cries and tantrums bc they wanted the knife#and i have nothing to give them to distract them. except im also the toddler.#idk how long i can keep this up for bc im ALSO managing other ppls emotions and baggage and shit at the centre#and over text. mainly that one person who i wish would just fucking leave me alone#but her grandma is literally on her deathbed so I can't rly try learning how to be firm rn#bc if i try to be firm i worry i will end up being a dick and i dont want to do that while she's struggling w pre-emptive grief#i don't know !!! im just so goddamn exhausted and struggling#and the world seems very cruel and terrifying and im honestly convinced im never going to find a way to exist peacefully in it#like im always going to be scared and struggle to trust ppl and struggle to socialize and feel safe anywhere#im going to be so honest. i wish i had One friend irl fhfkdl like. i think that would help a lot of my issues#to have someone i care about and respect and who actually cares about AND respects me back#and who i could just. be around. exist in the same vicinity. and not feel so scared and unsafe#a bit of a break from those constant feelings while not being isolated#who i could do activities with ???#thats actually so hard for me to imagine ever having ffhdjlsl its been so many years since I've had any semblance of that#it doesn't feel like im ever going to have that again :') it feels so impossible. pipe dream. unrealistic and unattainable#okay i need to shut up fhdksl sorry for being so insane on here every day jfc#one of these days i hope i will be genuinely stable for like... longer than a day fhfkdl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#self harm mention
3 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
