#I blocked someone today who was talking about transitioning like it was easy as just

[sweetie-peaches]

Everyday I am woken up from slumber and faced with the reality that I will never have what others have in my life

[missbaphomet]

I thought that because it seemed like your intentions were in the right place we'd be able to have a civilized conversation. Your bad faith readings of my words, clear disregard for common tone indicators, your assumptions that you know more about me than I do, inconsistencies, and refusal to treat anyone you even remotely disagree with with respect have proven me wrong. I've learned everything I know from my irl trans friends and they helped me find my identity. I only joined this platform in any seriousness about a month ago. I hope for your own sake that you're able to leave the tumblr exclusionist echo chamber someday, because your years on the platform have clearly taken a toll on your empathy and critical thinking skills.

One last question, what is it that you're so afraid of that you cling to a false gender binary with such desperation?

I have not read your words in bad faith, I read the words you put to the digital page. It just so happens that I disagree with you. That's not bad faith. The fact I even graced your anons with a genuine response is as good faith as it gets, especially since the easy answer would have been to simply block you. I gave a genuine response of my opinions and posted it so that you and others could genuinely understand my views. This is as good faith as a response can get.

You literally didn't use any tone indicators??? What are you talking about.

Its not that I know more than you, it's that my standard of evidence is "there is evidence at all" while yours is apparently "words feel good". This is a consistent theme across a lot of my "does x exist" beliefs. I don't believe in a God, for example, because there is no evidence. I don't believe in nonbinary because there is no third gender. This is a pretty consistent thing, and it even has a word: skepticism

What inconsistencies? If there were any genuine inconsistencies that were made, I genuinely would like to know because this is how one refines their argument for the future such that it becomes clearer. However if you mean "you say you support trans people but I personally don't like that you adhere to the belief that being trans is a medical issue requiring diagnosis, the treatment for which is transition" then that's not an inconsistency. In fact, that statement in particular is a fundamental part of why these beliefs are held. So if you're actually serious about there being a legitimate inconsistency or else are confused about something I said, maybe you should ask for clarification instead of closing off further discussion and acting holier-than-thou because someone disagrees with you on the internet.

If you "learned this" from your irl trans friends then it sounds like maybe they have the brain rot too. And if you've only been active a month, that timeline lends into the Twitter migration. I'm not saying you are from Twitter, because I don't know, but I am saying the timeline works out and that Twitter today is what Tumblr was in 2014, and that's not a good thing.

I love when people imply exclusionism is some kind of echo chamber because I have found the most diverse range of opinions in any community outside of Fandom *within battleaxe bisexual and exclusionist circles*. I don't think you understand what an echo chamber is, because the mogai community literally is one. They preach radical acceptance without criticism or critical thought. Exclusionism asks people to analyze *why radical acceptance is bad* and how doing such hurts your community. Radical acceptance and mogai is the gateway by which things like pedophiles and zoophiles try to integrate, and by Mogai's own ideals, *they should be able to*. Meanwhile, exclusionism circles look at this and get pissed off. It's exclusionists on the front line against this. It's exclusionists who ask other to examine their bias or x-phobias. It's exclusionists that are the ones making sure that the LGBT community is for LGBT people. Like it or not, we're a pretty vital part of the LGBT ecosystem because we're the ones who keep out people who have no business in our spaces. Tbh we're a keystone species that keeps everything in check so that the community doesn't fucking destroy itself. And this isn't even an exaggeration, I've just made the metaphor blatantly obvious.

My empathy and critical thinking are fine, thanks for asking. I left them plenty of water, a little treat, and some extra enrichment. Critical thinking isn't happy I have to trim her nails soon but I will give her peanut butter and she'll be ok

The gender binary isn't false because sex is binary. Show me a magical third chromosome unique to only nonbinaries and we'll talk. Until you turn up with that evidence of a Z chromosome, this topic can be pretty safely dismissed. That which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence.

[zunmbi-blog]

One Step at a Time: A Personal Journey Through Agoraphobia

Hello, everyone. Today, I would like to share my personal experience with living with agoraphobia. For those who may not be familiar, agoraphobia is more than just a fear of leaving one’s home. It’s the overwhelming sense of panic that can arise even within the perceived safety of your own space. It’s a constant battle with fear that often comes out of nowhere and leaves you feeling trapped, no matter where you are.

I don’t often talk about my struggles with agoraphobia, but I wanted to open up about it today. My hope is that by sharing my story, someone else out there who may be going through the same thing can find some comfort in knowing they’re not alone.

For me, some days are more difficult than others. On many occasions, something as simple as stepping outside my front door to go to school can feel like an insurmountable task. The panic sets in unexpectedly, and I feel a tightness in my chest, as though the world is closing in around me. I can’t breathe. I can’t move. In these moments, I often feel like I’m stuck in a cage of my own fear, unable to escape.

At school, I am fortunate enough to have some accommodations that help alleviate the stress. For example, I am allowed to leave my classes a few minutes early, which helps me avoid the crowded hallways and allows me to transition to my next class without feeling overwhelmed. I am very grateful for this small but significant adjustment.

Another source of support has been the friends I’ve made. They have been incredibly understanding, especially given that most people don’t fully understand what agoraphobia is or how it affects someone’s daily life. I’m lucky to have met new people who are kind and compassionate, and they’ve made a world of difference in my recovery. Recently, I’ve been sitting with them at lunch—a small victory in itself. For someone like me, even social interactions in a public space can be anxiety-inducing. It takes a lot of courage just to be around others, but over time, I’ve been able to push through those feelings of panic.

Of course, it hasn’t been without its challenges. Often, I find myself feeling the need to retreat to a more comfortable space, like my classroom, where I feel safer. Fortunately, my friends are understanding and supportive. They don’t take it personally when I need to step away for a few minutes to calm down. Still, I’m determined to make progress. Every time I sit at the lunch table, I try to stay for just a little longer. I focus on being present with my friends and block out the external noise and distractions. It’s been a nerve-wracking process, but I’m starting to see improvement.

The journey toward recovery has been slow, and some days, it feels as though I’m taking one step forward and two steps back. There are days when I feel completely defeated, when I wonder if I’ll ever get better. But there are also moments—small, quiet victories—that remind me I’m making progress. The fact that I was able to sit with my friends at lunch, even if only for a few minutes longer, is a sign that I’m moving in the right direction. It’s important to remember that recovery is not a linear process, and that’s okay. There will be ups and downs, but each day brings a new opportunity to challenge myself, no matter how small the step may seem.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is the importance of self-compassion. On the days when I feel like I’ve failed or that I’m stuck, I try to remind myself that I’m doing the best I can. It’s easy to get caught up in self-criticism, especially when dealing with something as challenging as agoraphobia, but I’m learning to be kinder to myself, to celebrate the small victories, and to accept that some days will be harder than others.

If you are struggling with agoraphobia or any other mental health challenge, know that you are not alone. We may be on different paths, but we share the same journey. Recovery, healing, and progress all take time, but with each step, no matter how small, we are moving forward.

Have you ever felt trapped by fear? How do you cope with agoraphobia, or how do you manage overwhelming anxiety in general? I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Please feel free to share in the comments below.

[goldensstateofgrace]

- Love Along The Way-   Chapter I

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist | Asks/ Lmk what you thought | 

Series Summary:  Reader joins the band in writing songs for their third album (Youngblood) and love finds her along the way. 

Chapter Summary: Y/n is working in the studio when Calum walks in on her writing ‘Babylon’ and it goes from there. 

A/N:  SURPRISE BESTIES!!! IT’S HERE!! AHH i’m so happy with this chapter!! I hope you all love this series as much as i love writing it!! All I am asking is that you give me your patience between chapters because i am a slow writer and i’ve been going through a hard time mentally. 

Warnings: talk of cheating, mom reader, heartbreak, cancer ( not in detail), lmk if i missed anything! 

Word count: 6k

I hope you guys enjoy!! I worked very hard on this and I’m super proud of it!! 

Happy reading!! - G

You’d had these lyrics stuck in your head, replaying on a loop for a while now, but hadn’t had any time to actually get them down on paper. 

You weren’t going to lie, this last year has been a clusterfuck.  From Easton breaking up with you,  basically telling you he found someone else and that he wants nothing to do with you or Elijah, to not being able to write because you’ve been transitioning Elijah into preschool (he was not having it.) It was safe to say it had been a very rough year for you. 

When you did sit down and try to write, nothing would come to mind. All of your anger and heartbreak were there and ready to be used to make beautiful music others could relate to, but you just couldn’t come up with anything. Well, besides those lyrics, it was a longshot trying to come up with anything for that either. 

Maybe it was still too fresh, and maybe you were still heartbroken, but you just needed to do something besides sit in bed wallowing in your self pity. 

Of course, Elijah didn’t know what was happening. He just knew ‘daddy’ left and that he hasn’t been back. You didn’t have the guts or the courage to break his heart by telling him ‘daddy’ wasn’t coming back. He was three, he wouldn’t understand, but it also broke your heart all over again when he asked in his tiny curious voice ‘da-ddy?’ 

What were you supposed to say, “I'm sorry baby, but ‘daddy’ doesn’t love us anymore and he’s not coming back?” No, you weren’t going to do that to him. 

But as you sit there on the dark studio couch, the lyrics on the tip of your tongue, it's like you can’t get anything out. You have them right there in front of you, your black bass guitar sitting in your lap as you strum the bass line softly and hum along until you finally try and sing out the lyrics. 

“We said we’d both love harder than we knew we could go,” you sang softly into the empty room, thinking back to nights when you laid next to Easton, talking about how much you loved each other and how neither of you would ever stop because you loved each other more and more everyday. 

“But still knowing when to let go- no” you shake your head, not liking how that sounded.  “But still the hardest part is knowing when to let go” nodding, you scratch out your previous lyrics and replace them before you go back to picking at the cords, finding where you left off. 

You were so focused on the lyrics, mumbling to yourself and scratching out lyrics and replacing them you didn’t hear the studio door open. 

You were struggling on a particular verse, mumbling to yourself as you read off the lyrics written in what looks like chicken scratch in the notebook layed out in front of you. 

“You wanted to go higher, higher, higher, we-” but you stopped, stumped on what should come next. You sing what you already have out, trying to come up with anything but fall back into the couch cushions groaning when you don’t. 

“We burn too bright, now the fire’s gone, watch it all fall down” a voice sings out, startling you, and you let out a gasp. Looking up at the tall curly headed man standing at the door, your brows furrow. You were supposed to have this studio for two hours. He was dressed in a pair of basketball shorts, and a ‘The tonight show, Starring Jimmy Fallon’ gray shirt. A pair of Vans covered his feet and tattoos covered his arms. 

“Just thought I'd suggest something that came to mind,” the accented man voices, walking down the small step from the door and down where you are. You watch as he takes a seat on the small black loveseat against the wall across from yours. 

You close your eyes and sing the words in your head, strumming the bass as you do. “Thanks, that’s actually really helpful,” you tell him, writing it down. “How long were you standing there?” you ask him, looking over his dark curly hair and down to his brown eyes that look over you just as you are him. 

“Just a minute or two. Didn’t expect anyone to be in here, the band is supposed to have booked it for a few hours today.” 

You look down at your watch hearing his words and gasp at the time.You were almost twenty minutes late to pick up Elijah from preschool. 

“Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I lost track of time” you tell him, quickly placing the bass back on its stand in the corner next to the couch and packing your notebook and music sheets in your bag. 

“It’s ok, happens to the best of us,” his deep accented voice carries towards you as you see him shrug his shoulder out of the corner of your eye. “I’m Calum by the way,” he introduces himself, holding out his hands as you move to walk past him. 

“Nice to meet you, I’m Y/n and also very late to -” you hesitate, not wanting to tell a stranger you just met about your son. “ To a dinner” you finish, shaking his hand before walking around him and to the door. 

Your hand is on the handle and pulling it open, before you hesitate, awkwardly turning over your shoulder to say, “It was nice to meet you, thank you for the lyrics,” you smile at him. 

He nods, sending you a friendly smile. “Any time”. 

You watch his eyes roam over you before you wave and head out, a smirk playing on your lips. 

Quickly, you make it to your car, driving 10 over the speed limit and making it to the preschool near your house in record time. You run up the sidewalk, signing Elijah out at the front desk before making your way down the hall to his classroom. 

He’s playing blocks with two other kids who happen to be siblings, Avery and Jase, not even paying you any mind, too engrossed in building a tall tower just for it to fall down landing all over the play mat. 

“Elijah, mommy’s here,” his teacher, Miss. Rachel, calls him when she sees you in the doorway. You watch as his head quickly turns your way, a bright smile spreading across his chubby cheeks. 

“Mommy!” he squeals, standing to his feet and running to you. His small arms wrap around your thighs, his cheeks squished as he looks up at you with his bright smile. 

“Hi baby! Did you have fun today?” You smile, squatting down to his level and squeezing him to your chest as you place kisses all over his face. 

He nods against you, pulling back as he tells you all about how he painted you a picture but that you had to wait to see it because it had to dry overnight. 

“I can’t wait to see it, baby! We’ll have to hang it on the fridge” you tell him as you grab his bag off the hook, telling him to go help clean up the blocks and a few cars that were laying out when you see that the parents of Avery and Jase are also here. 

When he’s all done you pick him up, placing him on your hip as you walk out to the car, his head resting on your shoulder as his eyes fall heavy. You know he’ll fall asleep the minute you start driving. 

You load him into his car seat and buckle him in before heading down the street, taking a few left turns and passing tall, two story gated houses before you pull into your own gated driveway. You bought this house with Easton, but only you signed the mortgage, so it was easy for him to move out. No need to sign paperwork or go to court. You’re so thankful for that. 

You wanted a safe neighborhood for Elijah to grow up in, and this is it. You moved in when he was a newborn, you did have to sign an NDA because some celebrity lived in one of the houses across from you, but you'd never seen them so you didn’t know who it was.

As you expected, when you went to grab Elijah out of his car seat he was out like a light, his mouth open as he rested the side of his tanned forehead on the side of the padded car seat. 

Smiling softly at his sleeping form, you gently unbuckled him and rested him on your chest as you walked into your house and to the couch. You had a net that attached to one end of your couch that stopped about mid center of the cushions to stop him from rolling off. He doesn’t roll around in his sleep often, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. You place him behind it and lay his favorite blanket over him before you walk into the kitchen to start on dinner. 

--------

It’s been a week since you ran late in the studio and Calum walked in on you. For some odd reason, you couldn’t get him out of your head. You had barely even talked to the guy but yet he was stuck in your head. His lyrics were stuck, replaying in your mind. He had only stood there for a minute or two, but yet the lyrics he sang went so well with yours. 

You were back in the same studio today, placing the finishing touches on the lyrics before you recorded the demo for it and eventually sold it to an artist or band to make their own. 

You look up, your brows furrowing when you hear loud laughter out in the hall, but you brush it off and finish setting up your computer on the panel so you could record the demo when you were done with the lyrics. 

Standing, you make your way into the booth, setting up a stool and pulling the bass guitar and it’s stand into the booth as well. You didn’t hear the door open, or the four laughing men walk into the room until you go to step back into the studio where the panel is. 

Your brows furrow when your eyes meet Calum’s brown ones, his face showing shock before it turns into a bright smile as his cheeks scrunch up. It reminds you of Elijah’s. You know you weren’t late to pick him up or running over your studio time because you booked the studio until lunch; it was only 10:30am. 

“We really gotta stop meeting like this,” Calum jokes with you, his bright smile making something flutter in you. 

“But this time it’s not my fault,” you tell him, smiling and looking at the three other very tall men standing behind him. 

The tall blonde with blue eyes and curly hair that ends at his ears smiles at you, showing off his dimples, “I’m Luke, it’s nice to meet you.” he introduces. 

You smile politely. “It’s nice to meet you too, I'm Y/n.” 

“Oh we know,” the red head chuckles. His hair is clearly dyed, but it suits him. His smile is bright and contagious. “Cal over here couldn’t stop talking about you and how amazing of a songwriter you are. I’m Ashton,” he tells you, holding out his hand for you to shake. 

You quirked an eyebrow up in Calum’s direction. “Is that so,” you tease, watching as his cheeks tint a shade of pink while you shake Ashton’s hand. 

“Oh yeah,” the shorter blonde one speaks up. “He even looked you up, wanted to know if you were selling that song you were working on. I’m Michael, but you can call me Mikey.” 

“Well you’re in luck, I was just about to record the demo for it. But if you’re interested you can have a look at the finished lyrics,” you tell them, pulling out the pages of printed lyrics from your bag.

They all nod, sitting down on the couches. You hand Calum the papers, smiling down at him before you take a seat at the panel, watching as they all huddle around Calum to read the lyrics. 

A chorus of ‘holy shit’s’ and ‘fuck that’s good’ sound as they finally put the paper down and stare at you. 

“So, you like it?” you ask. 

“Do we like it?” Ashton asks incredulously, looking at the boys and shaking his head in a way that says he can’t believe you asked that. 

“Yeah, y/n. We like it.” Calum tells you. “We're working on our third album right now and I think it would be great to add it to the album,” he says, looking at the other guys as they nod along in agreement. 

“That’s great, we can sign all of the paperwork soon.” you say, excited you don’t have to record the demo now. It’s always the hardest part. “I wrote a bit of a bass line, but nothing else so do whatever with it.” 

“We actually have something to ask you,” Ashton says, nudging Cal in the arm. Cal glares at him with a look like ‘knock it off’. 

“We were talking after I played some of the other songs you’ve written.You’re an amazing songwriter and we wanted to know if you wanted to help us write our album?” he asks, a bit shyly you notice. 

You’ve never written with someone or a band, not because you didn’t want to, you’ve just never had the opportunity. The only reason you would even consider turning this down was Elijah; you couldn’t take this opportunity if it was going to keep you from him. 

You weren’t really keen on telling people you barely knew about your son, but if you wanted to work with them and still have enough time for Elijah they needed to know. 

“Look,” you sigh, watching their shoulders deflate a bit and their hopeful expressions drop a tad. “I would love to, but you need to know I have a 3 year old  son, and I can’t have this taking me away from him. I promised myself when I got pregnant that I would always choose him over anything. Even if it is my dream. So,” you prompt, “if we can work around me having time with him then I’m in.”  

They all assure you that they’d help you make time for him. Ashton really hit home with you when he tells you, “I totally understand you wanting to make time for him, I grew up with only my mom and my two little siblings. We’ll make sure you get time with him.” he smiles softly at you, a knowing but sad look in his eyes. 

You smiled at him softly, thanking him and the guys, “I grew up with only my mom too. It was hard, but she was the best mother and role model. She was the strongest woman I know.” 

“Was?” Calum asked softly. Looking at you with gentle but curious eyes. 

You nod, smiling sadly. “She passed away a year and a half after Elijah was born. Breast cancer. It was really hard.” The memories come rushing back, and tears well up in your eyes, but you push them down, not wanting to cry. 

You all talked for a while, working out when you were available and what times it would be good to meet at the studio. It was when you were all packing up that Ashton proposed a chill night. “We should all hang out and have a night where we get to know each other better, drink and just talk.” 

There was a chorus of agreements, but when you hadn’t said anything they all stared at you waiting for your answer. 

“That actually sounds like fun, I'll be there. Just let me know a time and place,” you tell them smiling. You haven’t had a night to yourself since before Easton left, so you were long overdue. 

Calum offered to host it at his house, before you all exchanged numbers and left for the day. You planned on picking up Elijah early and taking him out for ice cream. It was his favorite treat and it was pretty hot today, so you decided it was a good day to indulge. 

You were just pulling up outside of the preschool when your phone vibrated in the cup holder next to you. Pulling it out, you see the message notification reading ‘Calum Hood’ swiping it and unlocking your phone the text pulls up.  

That should work for you, Elijah has been going to sleep around that time and you should be able to get Jessie to come over and watch him for a few hours while you’re over there. His address sticks out to you, not because you thought you’ve heard of it before but because it was basically your address just a few numbers off. 

Maybe he’s why you had to sign the NDA. He most likely has had fans coming to his home and waiting around to even get a glimpse of him in the past and didn’t want this address to get out to the public. 

Quickly sending him back a text, you put your phone back in the cupholder and go in to grab Elijah. 

------

The next day you were up and finishing off the last ‘Mickey Mouse’ pancake for a late breakfast. You were surprised Elijah stayed asleep past 8am, it was currently almost 11am and you were just about to go check on him and tell him breakfast was ready when he came padding around the corner rubbing his eyes with his tiny fists. 

“Well good morning little man,” you smile down at him, placing blueberries on his ‘Mickey Mouse’ pancake for eyes, chocolate chips for the mouth and a blackberry as the nose all adhered with whipped cream. Elijah was allergic to strawberries, or otherwise you would have added those in somehow. 

You woke to a message from Calum, replying to your message from last night. It was only sent about forty minutes before you woke up, but you didn’t see it until you were in the middle of making breakfast. 

You typed out a reply with one hand while flipping a normal round pancake for you and sending it. 

 You couldn’t figure out why you were smiling. He was a very attractive man, nothing like the guys you’ve dated in the past. Maybe that’s why you’re attracted to him. He’s not like the other guys who have treated you badly in the past; he’s nice and caring and didn’t run the second you mentioned you had a son. 

When you and the guys had been talking yesterday in the studio he asked to see a photo of Elijah. He told you how adorable he was, and how he looked just like you. Calum seems to be such a genuine and down to earth guy and if you weren’t careful you would fall for him. And hard. 

Carefully, you cut Elijah’s pancake up in little bites for him to eat, and pour a small amount of syrup over his and yours. 

You watch as he uses his green plastic fork. He has his mouth wide open the whole time as he carefully brings it up to his mouth. 

You cheer and kiss his cheek happily when he looks up at you excited when he got it in his mouth without dropping it. 

“Look at you! You don’t even need mommy anymore, you're such a big boy!” you smile down at him, taking a bite of your own pancake. He laughs his small contagious laugh, picking up another piece of pancake. 

“Baby, I need to talk to you about something” you say to him, making him look up at you with his wide brown eyes, his fork just at the entrance of his mouth. 

“T-trouble?” he asks you over his chewing, still looking up at you. 

“No, baby,” you chuckle, wiping the corner of his mouth where there was a bit of syrup threatening to drip down on his pj’s. “You’re not in trouble.” 

“But I have a big job.’ you tell him, “ A band asked me to help them write music for their album, so it might not always be me picking you up from daycare, it might be Miss. Jessie sometimes, is that ok?” 

He nods excitedly. “Yeah! Mi-miss Jessie is nice to m-me!” he stutters a bit as he gets excited. 

“Okay, also, i have a friend and he invited us over to swim! Do you want to go swimming?” you ask him as you sip the last of your coffee before eating the last bit of your pancakes. 

“Yeah!” he shouts. He’s been taking swimming lessons since he was two, he knows what to do if he falls into the pool. He loves the water too, he's a little fish when it comes to the water. 

You both finish eating and while you rinse off the dishes and place them in the dishwasher Elijah runs into his room screaming excitedly about going swimming. You laugh, shaking your head at his antics before following after him when you’re done loading the dishwasher. 

You change his diaper into one of those swimming ones with cars on it, before pulling a pair of yellow swim shorts over the diaper.  When you have him changed, you pack his diaper bag with a change of clothes, an extra swim and regular diaper along with sunscreen and his yellow bucket hat. 

You double check you have everything before you put his sandals on and bring him into your room so you can change into your blue bikini. It had high rise bottoms and the cups actually covered all of your breasts. You throw on a white cover up before sliding your own sandals on and heading out. 

Since his house is literally one house down from yours and across the street, you decide to just walk over. 

The sun was beating down on you as you walked out of the front door and locked it behind you. You text Calum that you’re on your way over before putting your phone in the diaper bag and heading down your driveway. 

It only takes you a minute to walk down the sidewalk and cross the street to his house. Checking your phone to see if he messaged you back when you’re outside the black gate, he did, telling you the gate was open and just to come in. 

You push open the gate, closing it behind you once you’re on the other side. There’s a black range rover parked in front of the open garage where you heard what sounded like an air pump. 

Walking towards the garage and around the black SUV, you see Calum’s familiar dark curls  as he kneels on the concrete blowing up a small turtle pool floaty. 

“Hey,” you greet Calum as you place Elijah down on his feet and squat behind him, pulling up his yellow shorts from where they fell down on the walk over. 

Looking up, you’re greeted with that bright white smile you’ve seen a few times at the studio but never fails to warm your heart. 

“Hey, I'm glad you guys could come!” Calum greets you, plugging the hole on the floaty before he turns off the air pump. He stands up just to walk a few steps in front of you and kneel down to Elijah’s level. “It’s nice to meet you Elijah, I’m Calum,”  he introduces himself sweetly as he smiles down at your son. 

Elijah giggles, turning into you as hiding his face on your leg. “Don’t be shy, baby,” you chuckle, running your hand over the back of his dark hair. You smile up at Calum, his face showing nothing but happiness and  eyes  lit up with pure adoration. 

“Can you say hi? Say, ‘Hi Calum’” you whispered in Elijah's ear, chuckling when  he shook his head and held on tighter to you. 

 “The tickle monster is gonna get you,” you sing out, your hands unwinding from him and to his sides where you tickle him. Elijah lets out his high pitched laughter, giggling at  you to stop as he tries to squirm out of your hold. 

“Hi!” he squeals loudly and you stop tickling him. Elijah turns around to face Calum, smiling up at him as he says, “Hi, Ca- calum.” 

“Hi, buddy. Are you ready to go swimming?” 

Elijah shouts out a ‘Yes!’ throwing his hands in the air and singing the song he was singing this morning about going swimming. 

“Sw-imming swimm-ing i going swimming” he shouts, causing you and Cal to break out in laughter. 

----- 

Calum was amazing. 

He was so sweet and caring with Elijah. Playing the same game over and over for almost an hour just to hear Elijah’s loud laughter. 

Catching your three year old over and over when he learned it was okay to jump into the pool and dunking him when he caught him just to throw him a few feet away in the water. 

Elijah’s loud laugher reverberated around the backyard and the trees that were planted against the walls encasing the closed off area. You felt pure joy at hearing his laughter. You knew he was feeling down with everything that’s happened with Easton, and hearing his laughter reminded you just what you have to live for, what’s waiting for you on good days and bad. 

Elijah is your whole world, your little sunshine, and you couldn’t imagine life without him. 

Looking over at the pool where Elijah and Calum were splashing each other, big contagious smiles spread across their faces and laughter flowing from their chests, you can’t help but smile. Watching them warms your heart. 

You were sitting on a couch in the shade next to the pool, Duke in your lap sleeping peacefully until Ashton’s loud voice invaded the bubble you all had been wrapped up in for the last four hours. 

“Hey, why wasn’t I invited?” he fake pouts as he stands in the doorway of the sliding glass doors. His hands rest on his hips as his eyes flicker around to all of you. 

“Thought you were with Kaykay,” Calum calls over to him, shrugging as he holds Elijah to his chest. That makes your heart flutter, seeing how tightly he holds him and how Elijah wraps his arms around Calums neck, a huge smile playing on his face. 

“Again,” Elijah giggled out. 

“Again? Ok,” Calum chuckled, throwing Elijah up in the air, his contagious laughter ringing out before he fell into the water below. You watch as Elijah swims to the surface,wiping his face of water and calling out ‘Again!’

Time flew by, because the last time you checked your phone was when you all sat down to have a bit of lunch around two, and it was now almost four thirty. 

Ashton made his way over to the long outdoor couch you were sitting on and took a seat in the spot next to you. 

“Is that Elijah?” he asks you softly, his eyes trained on Calum and Elijah who were spinning in the water before Calum launched your son in the air again as he let out a squeal of happiness. 

“Yeah,” you chuckled. “That’s E. He’s a handful.” 

Ashton smiles, letting out a deep chuckle, “I bet. He’s adorable, he looks just like you,” he tells you. 

“Thank you. When he was a baby he looked so much like my mom it was crazy.” you smile softly to yourself, remembering when you found old pictures of your mom and put one side by side with one of Elijah’s. They were practically identical. 

You were brought out of your thoughts when a small wet body climbed up in your lap and laid his head on your shoulder tiredly. “Are you tired, E?” you ask him softly, moving his wet hair - he needs a haircut - off his forehead before placing a light kiss upon it. 

He nods tiredly against you, his small hand lazily stroking the top of Duke’s head. The dog  had moved to  cuddle into the side of your thigh when Ashton sat down. 

Calum appeared in front of you, a towel wrapped around his hips as he smiled down at you softly, holding out a towel for you. “Thank you,” you tell him, taking the towel and wrapping it around Elijah to try and keep him warm and dry him off. 

“Should we just call Luke and Mikey and tell them to come over now? Since we're already here?” Ashton asks as Calum sits on the ‘L’ part of the couch next to your legs. “Did you drive here?” he asks you, his brows furrowed. “I didn’t see your car out there when I pulled in.” 

“Oh, no,” you shake your head. “I live across the street.” 

Ashtons eyebrows raise in surprise before he lets out a chuckle, “wow, small world.” 

You nod, “if you guys want to call Luke and Mikey that’s okay with me, but the babysitter I have  for E can’t come until 7, she has a family thing.” you tell them, looking down at the small boy in your arms who has fallen asleep against your shoulder. 

“That’s fine. If you want you can go lay him down in my bed? So he can take a nap until your babysitter gets to your house,” Calum tells you softly. 

“Yeah,” you nod. “That would be good.” you tell him, smiling up at him gently. 

You all head inside, Elijah on your hip sleeping soundly against your shoulder as Calum leads you down the hall just off the kitchen and to the last door on the right. It was nothing like you’d picture his room to be. 

The  walls are white, and there’s a tv hanging on the gray accent wall in front of the bed. The bed is made with the white fluffy comforter folded where it meets the firm, white pillows at the top of the bed. The floor is clear, save a few cords to the tall lamp in the corner of the room and a charger. 

“Bathroom’s through there,” he tells you pointing to the open door next to the tv. 

“Thank you, Cal,” you tell him sincerely. Thankful for him offering to let E nap in his room. 

“Yeah, of course y/n. Make yourself at home,” he smiles before leaving you and walking back to the living room. 

You unwrap the towel from around Elijah, laying it out on the bed before placing your sleeping boy down gently. You change him into his regular diaper, causing him to whine and thrash around before you change him into a pair of navy blue cotton shorts and  a plain white shirt . He quiets down, falling back to sleep as you move him up to the pillows, forming a sort of wall around him with a pillow on both sides of his body before you gently place a kiss to his forehead. 

Picking up the diaper bag you walk into the bathroom, which is just as clean as the bedroom, to change yourself. 

You untie your bikini top and reach into the bag, only to find a swim diaper and the sunblock. You swore quietly, thinking back to when you packed the bag and realizing you didn’t pack a pair of extra clothes for yourself. 

Quickly you put your top and your white cover up back on, swearing at yourself in your head for forgetting clothes before walking out of the bathroom quietly so you didn’t wake Elijah up. 

You padded down the hallway and into the kitchen where Cal was sitting at the counter as Ashton rummaged through the fridge talking about a song he started writing. 

Calum looks up when you appear in the kitchen doorway, his eyes flickering over your body as his brows furrow, “You didn’t change?” he points out more than asks. 

You nod, biting your lip as your cheeks blush. “Uh, yeah. I forgot to pack any clothes for myself,” you tell him, smiling shyly, “But i’m ok in this,” you assure him. 

“Are you sure?” he asks, concerned. “I can watch Elijah while you go home to change-” he pauses, “or actually I think Mali might have left some clothes behind when she was here last.” he tells you, hopping off his stool and walking down the hall again. 

Mali? Is that his girlfriend? 

Your stomach fills with dread. Just when you thought you finally met someone that didn’t run at the mention of your son, he probably has a girlfriend. Just look at him, of course he has a girlfriend. 

“She’s always buying way too many new clothes while she’s here, she can’t fit them all back into her suitcase when she needs to leave,” he tells you chuckling as he holds out a pair of grey sweat pants and a green hoodie. 

You hesitate a second, not really wanting to wear his girlfriend's clothes. But the chill in his house is causing goosebumps to appear on your arms. “Thank you,” you say, taking them from his hands and walking back down the hall to change rooms and check on Elijah. 

----- 

“No,” Luke sighs, shaking his head.

“Yeah,” you nod, your mood a stark difference from what it was an hour ago. “He came home one day and said ‘I found someone else, I don’t love you and I'm leaving’ he didn’t even mention Elijah. Just packed up all of his shit while I sat on the couch crying trying to wrap my head around what was happening.” 

“From the moment I found out I was pregnant it felt like he was on a different planet. We didn’t match anymore, we didn’t have that spark. If I'm being honest with myself that spark died out a long time ago, I just didn’t want to admit it. He was obviously not excited about the pregnancy- and I wasn't either at first, but when I heard E’s heartbeat for the first time-” you pause, “I can’t even describe it. It was like all my motherly instincts clicked in and I loved him more than I could ever have imagined,” you sigh, smiling at the memory of  the day you heard Elijah’s heartbeat. 

“I kept telling myself that Easton would come around once Elijah got here. It never really happened though. We were both in our twenties, he wanted to party, and drink and just have fun, and he did, and I stayed home with a screaming newborn while he was out living it up.” shrugging you looked up at all of them, smiling softly. 

When you came out from changing into the clothes Calum lent you, all the guys were in the kitchen talking. Luke brought Chinese and you all just sat around talking for hours. You learned a lot of eye opening things. Elijah went home about an hour after they all got there, Jessie coming over to grab him before going back over to your house.  

They formed their band when they were still in highschool, which was crazy to you. How they were still friends amazed you; you had lost contact with all your highschool friends when you moved to LA. 

Ashton was the oldest out of all of them. Mikey told the story of how he messaged Ashton on facebook messaged Ashton asking if he wanted to join the band. You laughed so hard at how the story was told, it was like one of those boards with all the strings connecting different things that all come to one big conclusion. They were all over the place. 

Then it was Mikey and Calum in the middle and Luke was the baby. They were all amazing, genuine guys and you couldn’t have been happier to call them your friends. 

You somehow had gotten on the topic of siblings at one point. Mikey doesn’t have any, but he was chessy when he said, “yeah but I have these guys as my brothers,” all the guys ahh’d and called him out on being cheesy but you could tell they were family. 

Ashton talked more about his sister and brother, telling you about how his dad walked out on him and then his mom met his stepdad and they had Lauren and Harry before he eventually walked out too. Your heart hurt for him, because you knew just how that felt. 

Luke has two brothers, Jack and Ben. You smiled and laughed as he told stories of his childhood and how he and all the guys got up too. 

You told them all about your brother, Jaxon. How he was back home in Nashville playing baseball and how he dreamed of going pro.  

Calum talked about his sister, how she visits every once and a while when she’s not in the studio or writing her own music. 

“Yeah, Mali lives in London so I don’t get to see her much. We talk at least twice a week just to catch up. She’s supposed to visit in a few months so you’ll get to meet her soon,” he smiles over at you. 

Mali is his sister? Well, that makes a whole lot of sense. 

“That’s great, I can’t wait to meet her!” you tell him, smiling over at him happily. 

You all talked for another hour or so, laughing and telling stories before you decided it was time to go. You said bye to everyone, hugging them and telling them you’d see them on friday when you and Alec met them at the studio after lunch. 

Calum politely walked you home just to be safe. 

“I had a great day, thank you for inviting us over. I know Elijah had a blast,” you tell him, smiling softly up at him. “You were so great with him, he’s normally pretty shy around new people.” 

“I did too, we’ll have to do it again.” he tells you. “He’s a great kid, he’s so adorable,” he tells you, smiling. 

“Definitely,” you nod up at him.

There was that awkward silence where you both just looked at each other, your eyes flicking between his as his eyes flicked over your face and fell to your plump lips. Your breath hitched as his eyes linger there before returning to your eyes. 

“Goodnight, Y/n,” he whispers, pulling you into a tight hug.

You relax in his arms, hugging him back as your face hides in his neck. “Goodnight, Cal” you whisper back lingering in the hug before he kisses the top of your head and lets go. 

“I’ll see you Friday,” he calls, descending the three steps of your  porch. 

“See you friday!” you call back before walking into your house. Your back pressing to the back of your front door as you let out a sigh, closing your eyes. 

“Oh my god! That was Calum Hood!,” you hear excitedly from your couch making your eyes pop wide open.

---

Taglist (striked out couldn’t be tagged - get added here -) @wontlastimokwiththat @doctcr-reid @harrystylesandharrypotter @vividstyles23 @thesadstoryofme @hufflepuffhaze @kuolonsyoja​ @lonelyheart5​ @kyleeisahotmess @wiiildflowerrr 

[votederpycausemufins]

I said I had another chapter ready. so It's time to post that.

tagging @helleborusangel because they like my writing and @hermitcraftheadcanons since they and their community made the au.

now... with that out of the way, let's recap evo... wait shoot i mean hermitcraft.

“Pixlriffs! Turn on the tv!” Came a voice that followed a door being slammed open.

Pixlriffs turned around in confusion to see Zloy having barged in, panting with his goggles askew. “Zloy? What’s going on?”

“Just turn on the recap channel! Hurry!”

Even more confused, Pixl slowly turned to his tv and turned it on, switching to the channel that showed their recap show. “I thought you didn’t like watching our own shows. It’s not even a regular recap, it’s just going to be a clip show from the livestream. Why are you so-” But he cut himself off. Showing on screen was a countdown to the season eight day one recap. “What? But it hasn’t started. We haven’t recorded anything.”

“I know! I was with a friend and they turned it on and said they didn’t think it had started yet. When I saw the countdown, I ran all the way over here.”

“Do you think they just had a scheduling mistake? We might need to call the broadcasters and have them fix things up.” Pixl suggested, and Zloy shrugged.

“Let’s just make sure that’s the case and see which episode they’re actually showing. For all we know they mixed things up and this is just the season seven, day one.”

“I hope that’s the case.”

The two recapers watched the timer go down. Elsewhere, people were also turned into the episode. Some were pleasantly surprised by the supposed new episode. Others were confused thinking the schedule was wrong. Those who knew the hermits were confused, not having heard the new season was starting yet.

Then finally, the timer reached zero, and a familiar jingle started. And then a voice that was definitely not Pixlriffs spoke the phrase “This week, on Hermitcraft.”

“Wait, what am I doing in the nether? I just joined the world.”

Zloy and Pixl looked at each other at something they had never heard Keralis say. This was a new episode, but one they hadn’t made.

“A new adventure starts in season eight, new places and mobs to explore and see. And also Grumbot and Jrumbot are Hermits now. Welcome to the Hermitcraft recap! The show where no one is where they should be. My name is Toon Noah.”

“I’m Mysterious Goofball, and our writer is Pin Valentine. Today, we’re looking at everyone’s first day on the new season of Hermitcraft.”

The first person, Noah, spoke up again. “In this season, the hermits managed to update all the way to the second half of the caves and cliffs update even though that isn’t possible.” He explained what was going on in this season. “Everyone is scattered across the map and even in other dimensions. Monsters are tough, regen is off, and using chat is out of the question, so surviving is going to be tough.”

“At the very least, they can still respawn, so certain people have chances to escape. Escape what that is? Well, let’s look at what the Hermits have been up to.” Goofball said, sounding so nonchalant about what they were about to talk about.

“Starting with Xisuma, who’s started out in the deep dark. The admin’s helmet has been disabled other than necessary functions. His visor also gives him a little bit of light, so he’s not completely blind. Plus the fact that sculks are bioluminescent. But the warden is too, which has been able to find him a number of times.”

“Also in the caves in Jevin,-” Goofball spoke up again. “-who’s found himself in some lush caves. He’s got glowberries for light and food and the axolotls are pretty friendly. Plus, with enough searching, he was able to find a bit of wood for simple tools.”

“Speaking of wood. Some of the hermits have found themselves in the jungle.” Noah quickly commented before some audio from one of the hermits played along with its clip.

“Helloooo? Anyone around? Impulse? Tango? Hey is that Grian? Nope, just a parrot. Ugh, and here I am without any seeds.”

Goofball spoke up again when the audio finished. “Both Zedaph and Tango are in the same jungle, but the size of the biome as well as the amount of foliage means they haven’t found each other yet. Tango at the very least has started mining, and Zedaph managed to find a jungle temple and has already started on using the redstone from there for a melon farm.”

“How do you even make a farm out of that?”

“It’s Zedaph, what do you expect?”

“Well, as for the last of team ZIT, Impulse had found himself in the middle of a sea temple.” Noah spoke, as the video showed Impulse dealing with being underwater in such a place. “Between drowning and guardians, he hasn’t gotten that far away from his spawn.”

“In other aquatic news-” Goofball said, another clip from the hermits playing.

“If I never see coral again, it’ll be too- wait, is that False? False!”

“-Stress and False are also nearby to each other, both spawning in coral reefs. False was the first to escape, needing to just swim out of her spawn.”

“On the other hand, Stress was completely encased in coral and had to slowly chip herself out of the colorful prison. But by the evening, Stress was able to get to the surface and join False and an island, chopping down trees. They even started a wheat farm. But here’s hoping they don’t have to deal with drowned.”

“While she isn’t a drowned,” Goofball continued from Noah’s comment. “Zombie Cleo started out in a village. Normally, that would be pretty good, but being a zombie…”

“Leave me alone! I’m not going ta kill any villagers! I’m a zombie but I’m not that kind of zombie!”

“She’s been having an issue with the resident iron golem. With a bit of luck, she managed to hole herself up in a house which the golem isn’t going to destroy, but the villagers aren’t the happiest about it.”

Then Noah took over speaking. “From villagers to illagers, Mumbo Jumbo found himself alone in a woodland mansion, making himself the furthest hermit in the overworld.”

“Come on. Almost. Almost!” The video showed Mumbo running before he was killed by a vindicator. “Oh come on!”

After that, Noah continued. “He’s tried and failed many times to try and get out of the mansion, but eventually just started breaking the walls for tools.”

“The illagers aren’t really happy about it, but not like he’ll be going far, so I don’t think he’ll easily lose those tools.”

“Well at least he’s got supplies.” The video transitioned to a mountain top with three figures standing at the peak. “Grian, as well as new hermits Grum and Jrum are currently stuck on the top of a mountain, surrounded by powder snow. It’s pretty lucky that the three of them stuck together.”

“I’m not so sure of that.” Goofball spoke up, sounding a bit frustrated or annoyed. “While Grian tried to fly down for supplies to little success, other than fall damage, he hasn’t managed to die, using some sort of magic.”

“But it looks like the fall damage came in handy for Doc, who’s further down the mountain. He’s having a bit of trouble surrounded by goats, plenty of them being the screaming variety.”

Goofball spoke again, no longer sounding as annoyed. “Yeah, but while hanging out with them, he heard a different kind of scream and did something pretty smart.”

“Wait, what was- is someone close by? It sounded like someone just- wait! The death messages!” He pulled out his communicator and read the messages. “Grian died to fall damage! Grian’s up there!”

“I guess he is the scientist of the group.” Noah spoke, the grin he had on his face audible in his voice. “It makes sense he would be the one to figure things out. But even then, he still can’t easily get down the mountain himself with all the goats messing him up. My guess is he’s really regretting being the goat father last season.”

“Doc isn’t the only one getting familiar with the new wildlife though. Hypno has found himself in a large flower forest that has plenty of mooblooms. He hasn’t been able to kill any of them yet, and there’s only flowers and no grass for him to get seeds from, so while the place seems like it should be easy to survive in, it’s really the opposite.”

“The best idea he’s had so far is following some bees to find their nest and hopefully a tree attached to it. If only he knew he was actually really close to spawn, being the closest to it.”

Goofball took control of the conversation again “Well, that’s not entirely true as three hermits managed to appear at spawn, those three being Joe Hills, VintageBeef, and Etho.” And the three hermits were shown in what looked much more normal than everything else that had been shown so far. “The three of them pretty quickly figured out something was wrong and started to make spawn a safe place, also gathering supplies so they can eventually find the other hermits.”

“Except Etho got a bit ahead of himself.” Noah cut in. “He had a bad run in with some mobs and ended up dying, finding out his respawn is a bit different than others. But at the very least, he managed to find Ren.”

“Ren spawned on a cliff of a ravine. There’s no water at the bottom, and all the blocks in reach are stone, so it’s not the easiest to escape from. Still, with little else to do, Ren started slowly chipping away at the stone to escape the ravine, only to fall when Etho surprised him by suddenly respawning there.”

“Okay, I got through two more pieces of stone. At this rate, I can probably get to dirt before the sun is setting so- Etho- ooooooh!”

“At the very least Ren is respawning just fine,” Noah explained “So the two of them were able to help Ren escape the ravine, so he’s the third person to escape his spawn area.”

“Well, that’s not entirely true.” Goofball started to correct. “Before Etho helped Ren and even before Stress escaped her coral prison, Cub actually escaped the mesa mineshaft he spawned in. It was a little tricky with the cave spiders spawning, but he lucked out with the loot of a chest and was able to get a crafting table and pickaxe out of it.” Cub had found some iron, torches, a few seeds, some bread, and then used the wood of the mineshaft to get him on his feet in terms of survival. “With a few respawns, he took out the spiders and their spawner. He’s able to move around freely, but not wanting to respawn again, his hearts are a bit low, so he’s staying near the mineshaft for shelter.”

“Then, sort of nearby the mesa of course, is the desert, where the last two overworld hermits are.” Noah said, and there was the slightest ruffle of papers, like he was checking a script. “Both XB and Iskall are stuck in the same large desert, trying to find some source of food, water and wood. So far, the best they’ve found are the sticks from dead bushes. Out of the two, XB is doing a bit better since he’s found a cave for some sort of shelter, but Iskall’s much worse off,the sand messing with his one eye.”

“Between the heat, the sand, and my eye, I can’t even tell what’s real anymore. That cactus could be a tree or a town or- nope! It’s actually a creeper!”

And then Noah continued with a transition. “Getting even hotter now, let’s look at the nether. There’s only two hermits there right now, with different struggles to deal with.”

“Keralis is the first and lucked out a bit, landing himself in a warped forest right near a basalt delta, meaning he’s got up to stone tools. Plus, since nether gold ore can be mined with wood tools or better, he’s also got some gold boots to help with any piglins.”

“On the other hand, Welsknight is in a much worse situation. He spawned in a crimson forest and is having plenty of trouble with the hoglins.” And that was emphasized by a clip of Wels being killed by one of the mobs. “He hasn’t gotten too much wood before dying, but at the very least, he secured his spawn just enough he has some room to breathe. And hey, if he makes it out of there, he’s got a fortress nearby. But now to end this off, let’s head to the end.”

“TinfoilChef, or TFC is on the main end island, spawning on an obsidian platform just a few blocks from the edge of the island.” Goofball spoke. “It’s close enough for him to jump, but he still takes fall damage and has to deal with the ender dragon after that.”

“Not to mention the endermen too, which Scar is also having trouble with. He’s stuck on a smallish end island out in the further reaches of the end. There’s an end city nearby, but he doesn’t really have the means to get there. At the very least he’s got food from the chorus plants, but that won’t help too terribly much.”

“And lastly, there’s BdoubleO, who we’ve- who’s been lucky to not die so far being in a special situation.” Though they hadn’t been saying much, both Pixlriffs and Zloy noticed the slight slip up Goofball gave. “He’s currently looping in the end void, teleporting up to the top when he finally gets too low. There’s nothing in sight for him to know that though, so he thinks he’s just falling deeper and deeper. But hopefully he’ll figure it out eventually.”

“Well, that’s everyone, so that pretty much does it for this episode of Ev- Hermitcraft Recap. I was Toon Noah-”

“And I was Mysterious Goofball and our writer was Pin Valentine. If you’d like to see original content made by us, you can find us if you already know where to look.”

“Don’t forget to give this show a good rating and tune in next week for the next episode of Hermitcraft Recap. Thank you all so much for watching and good-Bye~!”

Finally, the screen turned black, signalling the end of the episode. The whole time, Pixl and Zloy had just sat there in shock, watching the episode and not saying anything. The thought of their show being taken over by some new people was scary enough, but the situations the Hermits were now in was so much worse.

Zloy was the first to move, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He had felt it going off during the episode, but had been too stunned to do anything. Apparently, he had missed multiple calls and texts about what had happened with the episode, who had been put in charge, what was with the hermits, and more related to the whole situation.

“We need to see someone about this.” Pixlriffs said, in a similar situation with looking at his phone. “Make sure people know we have no connection to this and hopefully also see if the studio knows who recorded this. I would also like to say that this is all fake, but…”

“Yeah, that footage looked way too real. I think the Hermits are actually in a lot of trouble right now.”

“Then let’s do something about it.”

[whattheklance]

Klance celebrity AU

prompt, not a fic, but kinda lengthy explanation of premise

Keith is lead guitar of a famous band with lead singer/2nd guitar Shiro, drummer Pidge, keyboardist Romelle, and bassist Allura. They sell out concerts and Keith can’t walk outside without a disguise or he’ll get recognized, and possibly swarmed.

He’s the musician who has the least to say in all interviews but as a result most of the fanbase is thirsty for him. He has the most followers on twitter even though he tweets maybe once a month.

While the other band members have had occasionally dates and relationships with fans, just shy of being groupies, Keith refuses. Any fan who hits on him is an instant turnoff. He’s walked away from signings and meet and greets because of these fans.

There’s a literal reddit devoted to collecting social media posts by disappointed fans telling their stories that got them snubbed by him. There’s so many.

The band and their agency knows too well that Keith can be “difficult” but it’s not unjustified. He hates being reduced to nothing but fame. He has principles and if someone violates them he’s done. He just wants to be treated like a human without being placed on a pedestal and objectified.

Keith’s so famous he’s almost numb to it at this point. He has a certain tolerance level for doe-eyed fangirls. As long as they don’t mention their crush, or make any sort of advances toward him, he can let it slide. He can tell instantly from their behavior if they’re into him. But if they try to pretend they’re not, then he pretends as well.

Keith is 26 and hasn’t been in any sort of relationship since the band’s early days, when he was 21. He was in a relationship that carried over from pre-fame to fame. And that transition is what broke them up. He’s had a date here or there, but his love life has been non existent for the most part.

Shiro is the only one who will still try to push him in that area, believing that some of Keith’s frustration stems from an absence of such a relationship. Every time Keith eventually snaps at him, and storms off. Allura, Romelle and Pidge gave up a long time ago and always excuse themselves from the room if Shiro brings up the topic to Keith.

Outside of time with his bandmates, Keith is always alone. And he thinks he prefers it that way.

Enter Lance.

Lance is an outgoing social butterfly who splits his time between teaching latin ballroom dances and flying helicopters for either news or police, depending on the day.

He knows the name of every pop music queen that ever existed from the 70s to today. Any musician outside that realm might as well be a stranger to him.

So that’s how Lance, pop celeb aficionado, can come face to face with A-lister Keith Kogane with a platinum record band, and have no clue that he’s anybody.

Keith frequents hole-in-the-wall bars that he thinks have the lowest chance of getting recognized, or if he is recognized, not being approached. It’s at one of these bars where Keith accidentally spills Lance’s drink on his lap, and receives an angry lecture.

Keith responds with a laugh of disbelief and asks the question he never asks when he wants anonymity: “Don’t you know who I am?”

Which doesn’t faze Lance who mocks him as a result saying he has snowflake syndrome and get over himself.

After a good 5 minute one sided conversation, Keith, also unfazed by Lance’s criticisms because he’s in disbelief that he wasn’t recognized, proceeds to buy Lance two more drinks to make up for the one he spilled.

Lance ever the easy to please immediately forgives him and they spend the rest of the night drinking and talking about stupid shit.

Keith hasn’t had a conversation like this in years, and it has his heart pounding in his chest and smiling every time he tells a story that makes Lance laugh. They drink and talk until the bar closes at 2am to which Lance insists Keith shouldn’t drive home, and spend the night at his place, just a few blocks away.

Keith agrees without hesitation, and back at Lance’s apartment they talk and drink for another hour on the couch. They only fall silent when they realize how close their faces are to each other, and lean in and kiss. It starts out slow and tender but Keith quickly becomes ravenous which Lance welcomes. Keith was painfully hot in his eyes and to be kissing him and under him lit his senses on fire.

Keith manages to keep his fame a secret from Lance for their first couple meetups. He’s just thoroughly enamored by this man who only knows him as a stranger from a bar. It feels real, and new and exciting.

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

HASO, “Dye and Diversity.”

Hope you guys enjoy the story today 

Yeb stared.

She tilted her head this way and then that, and then continued to stare on the other side.

A soft sigh, “My eyes are up here.”

Yeb looked up to where the human was staring at her ascance his head slightly tilted.

“What?”

“Sorry dumb joke.”

He pulled to a stop, and the strange wheeled chair below him pulled to a halt.

She stared some more, “That is so strange! It looks so fun!”

Her interjection seemed to surprise him, and he glanced down  at the chair, “Um, I suppose I’ve never thought about it. It’s kinda fun sometimes. I don’t use it much.”

Yeb waddled behind the chair and clambered up on two little pegs she saw jutting  out from behind, “Why not?”

“Well usually I can walk, and it is generally frowned upon to use a wheelchair if you don’t need one.” 

Yeb felt a rush of wind as he pushed the chair forward, and they began to roll slowly down the ramp, “Well why not?”

He laughed and shook his head, his earlier sour demeanor lost behind grim amusement. A few of the others came to join them as they rolled downward and off the platform. Yeb lifted her eyes  wide-eyed in shock as she stared at her strange and unusual surroundings, and the massive interior docking bay of the space station…. To think! An entire city built in space! Looking around she could see ships of many sizes and designs, and other unfathomable and strange creatures hurrying this way and that.

A thought came to her, “Why aren’t you using the arm sticks?”

“Arm sticks…. Oh the crutches?”

“Yeah.”

“My arms are sore from using them, and plus the wheelchair seems safer on the station. I'll Be less likely to trip and get hurt.”

“Oh ok!.”

It still surprised her to no end that the human had even managed to survive without a leg. At first she thought he might have been born with that deformity. On her planet, while it was possible to survive with an issue like that it was not very common at all. She could think of only one Tricar she had seen live to adulthood in such a condition. There were always complications, plus, while Tricar were semi-social they tended to live only in mating groups and abandon their pups at a very young age. 

If you couldn’t survive to adulthood in the cold metal mazes  of her planet than that was a personal problem.

She climbed up higher onto the back of the human’s wheeled chair to get a better look. She wobbled dangerously in her excitement, her hands and feet not exactly built for climbing with her stubby fingers and large flat feet.

With wide eyed excitement she looked all around them marveling at the diversity of lifeforms. There were so many of them!

She pointed to one, eyes wide, “What alien is that!”

The human turned his head to look then frowned “What do you mean?”

“That one right there!”

He frowned and looked again then laughed, “Oh well Yeb, that is a very tall human.”

“Oh, she frowned.” It sure didn’t look like any of the other humans she had seen, sure it was the same general shape, but it just looked so different that she couldn’t have been sure. But she supposed now she could see the resemblance. Like a stretched human.

“How about that one!”

The human continued to smile, “That is a human with a lot of fat, Yeb.”

“Oh….  what is that?”

“Er, like blubber but not really.”

That translated better and her ears flipped back over her head in mild understanding, “Oh, I get it, so those humans must be from cold climates, and that’s why they have insulation?”

“Not exactly.”

Her head turned and she pointed to another group, “Are all of those humans too!”

“Yes all of those are humans.”

“So pretty!” She exclaimed, they came in such interesting and new color combinations, ice white to stone ebony. Granted they all looked human, but the diversity in them was so astonishing that it was hard to believe they could all be the same species. As a biologist herself she might have assumed that maybe they were under the same classification, like fish, and how fish all sort of looked the same but that didn’t mean they were in the same biological category.

“Are they all the same subspecies?” she wondered.

“Yes.”

“Really? But they all look so different!” on her planet while they did tend to be diverse in height, their fur was generally always the same color, a grey white.

“There used to be other subspecies of humans a long time ago, but then they slowly started to die out. At the end it was only the Homo Sapiens and the Homo Neanderthalensis. Both of them coexisted for a while and even interbred but then the Neanderthal died out leaving only the Homo Sapiens with some Neanderthal DNA in certain cases,so we are all that's left, and our diverse lifestyles have given us different adaptational traits despite being the same species.”

She stared at him enthralled by this strange revelation about humans.

“For instance, in the middling areas towards the equator, things are a lot warmer and the light of the star hits the Earth directly, so humans kept their original dark skin color as protection against UV rays which can cause DNA mutations leading to cancer. A lot of times humans towards the equator tend to be taller and leaner which helps them to not overheat.”

“Your planet has a climate that diverse?”

“Yes, we can be as cold as your planet, or more than twice as hot.”

She stared wide eyed and shuddered at the thought.

“In fact, where I grew up we had seasonal changes in temperature. In the summer it was about thirty degrees hotter than the comfortable level I keep on the ship, and in the winter it could plunge to temperatures well around your home world.”

“How does anything survive in a climate so varied?”

“With air conditioning and heaters.” he said smiling, “Anyway, humans slowly began to move north, and as they did the rays of the sun couldn’t cut so easily through the atmosphere, as they were angled. That meant less UV light actually making it to earth. Problem is, humans need the sun to create certain vitamins used in the body. Darker skin helped to block the sun's rays when they become too much, but when there is less sun it isn’t so easy, and so humans developed lighter skin tones that were more vulnerable to sun damage but more easily allowed for the creation of those vitamins. In addition humans in higher climates tend to be shorter and stockier to conserve heat.”

“So…. you can tell where a human comes from?”

“You can tell where their ancestors come from.”

“So your family is from a cold climate?”

He smiled, bright white teeth showing the light above, “Yep, my ancestry stretches back to Russia, Norway, and other assorted parts of north eastern europe, but my family has lived far away from those places or the past few thousand years.” He smiled, “And yes, I can trace my lineage that far back. We’ve had pretty good record keeping for the past few thousand years considering we have internet databases stretching back about that far, and massive archives.”

“Wow/” She muttered quietly, “And I don’t even know who my mother was.”

The human raised an eyebrow at her, but by that time she had already transitioned to looking and pointing at something or someone else. She loved looking at the humans, they were so diverse and strange, and there was always something new to see. Sometimes it was their clothes sometimes it was their skin, sometimes it was their hair,

Sunny, the big blue Drev, placed a hand on the human’s shoulder in a quick gesture, “I am going to go look for the parts, I’ll get back to you in a minute ok?”

“Cool, bring me a working leg when you do.”

“She snorted but nodded and walked off,while he and the others continued onward.”

Yeb lifted her head in wide eyed wonder watching as they passed down a dark hallway from the docking bay, and then out, into an absolutely massive room. It was so large they might as well have been outside, a huge curving room in the shape of a doughnut that went around for miles and miles in either direction. Much of the ceiling above the mwas covered in some sort of see through glass structure giving her a view of space outside,and the rest of the expansive station highlighted by thousands of stars and hundreds more blinking lights.

Voices echoed and warbled all around them as hundreds and thousands of people filtered through the station like slow moving ice water. The room was so large that they had even built structures on the inside, which rose up many stories into the air glittering with colorful neon lights. She saw hundreds of aliens slipping in and out of these buildings and passing overhead on catwalks high in the air, talking, chatting and walking together.

It was all so alien and she was so excited.

She almost fell off the back of the chair as her unfit feet and hands slipped off a climbing surface. A hand steadied her from behind, “Don’t get too excited.”

She was pleased to find after that that the humans were very interested in bringing her around and showing her all of the new things. WIth her ability to eat a wide variety of food, she even got to try and taste some of their more strange concoctions, both excited and repulsed by some of them.

They walked past another shop whose brightly glowing lights attracted her like a moth to a flame and she backpedaled. Sounds pulsed and throbbed around inside her head and brightly colored pictures decorated the walls. On the inside, she watched in wide eyed fascination as one human sat patiently arm exposed, as another inked a pattern onto their skin with a whirring machine. The colors they used fluoresed under the strange blue light above.

A hand on her shoulder, “that is probably a human tradition you don’t want to experience.”

“What?”

“Tattoos, injecting ink directly into your dermal layer through use of tiny needles.”

She cringed a bit, “Why?”

“Because you can get cool pictures.”

There was a hum from beside her as one of the other humans walked up, “Maybe not the tattoo, but…” She trailed off and pointed to the other side of the room where humans were sitting in chairs leaning back as other humans painted strange chemicals on their fur. One of them stood up, and when she did, her hair was long and blue.

Yeb stared, “You change your fur color!”

“Yeah all the time.”

Adam rolled up behind them, “I don’t know if that's a good idea, we don’t know what kind of chemicals….”

“Well there is only one way to find out.”

They turned to look at her, “Want to dye some of your fur a cool color?”

She was so excited all she could manage was a squeak. The thought was so strange and exciting. There was only one fur color on her planet, to think that she could just go and change it!

Why hadn’t her people thought of this!

“YES!”

Her enthusiasm seemed to surprise them, but with smiles they were very encouraging and walked in with her as one of the humans came to greet them, “What can we do for you.”

Maverick patted Yeb on the shoulder, “Our alien friend here would like to go a different color.”

The human looked down and started with a frown, “Er…. what…. What are you. You don’t look like any Tesraki I’ve ever seen.”

“That's because she’s not. A new species, just coming into the galactic community. Anyway what do you say?”

The human paused then shrugged, “Long as you sign a waiver saying that we aren't responsible for any allergic reactions or damage to the hair of an unknown species, then sure.”

They glanced at Yeb, and she waved it off, “Let's do it!”

It was probably a horrible idea to have a team of humans not exactly known for their good life choices cheering on a naive Tricar as she chose bright neon green which was supposed to be at its brightest on the top of her hair and fade down slowly to the furn on her back.

The humans were excited all around, and she drew a small crowd as they began the process.

She probably should have been more concerned not sure what the chemicals would do to her, but nothing ventured nothing gained: that was a human expression she had learned just a few minutes ago, and she really liked it.

Warm water ran through her fur, and then a strange sticky paste was applied to it. Shehad to sit around and wait for a little bit as the color set, and then sit around some more as they washed the residual color out. When they were finally finished, she was turned to face the mirror, and her eyes went wide again.

Her grey white fur, against the bright neon green!. She turned back and forth watching the light glitter over the bright color.

“Wow.”

“Wow.”

“Wat have we done.”

“I love it!” She exclaimed, leaping out of her seat to look at herself more readily in the mirror.

She watched as Adam leaned over in his seat and passed his arm over some sort of device.

Se assumed he was paying for it and was quite pleased walking out of the shop with her new fur enjoying the eyes on her as she passed.

It wasn’t long before some of their other companions returned. Sunny turning to look at Adam with a frown, “What did you do.”

He raised his hands, “Oh come on, its harmless, na look at how happy she is. Come on.”

Sunny rolled her eyes..

“Spirits give me strength.”

Yeb capered around the group, rubbing her paws through her newly colored fur. It didn’t feel any different, but she sure FELT different.

She was sure she was going to really enjoy all these strange human things.

Then again.

She had really only experienced the good things.

It would remain to be seen if she was going to be able to handle the darker side of humanity. 

[filmmakerdreamst]

How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself

I was living in a city all alone and these two characters showed me that it was ok for two women to love each other.

In order to understand the following story, there’s something you need to know about me. I have always loved fiction. From the age of about 5 to 11, I loved books more than I loved people. I was a shy child who found it easier to emotionally engage with fictional worlds than the real one around me.

See, fictional worlds are created for your brain’s enjoyment. Their rules make sense. Events happen for a reason. The narrator tells you why characters behave the way they do, allowing you to empathize with them on a deep emotional level. Easy to understand, easy to identify with, easy to love.

But real people are complicated. The real world is complicated. And things are seldom laid out nicely in a coherent narrative format for you. Real things are much harder to love.

This emotional disengagement continued from the age of 11 onwards, although it was no longer as pronounced. My habit of retreating into fiction would fade during good times and come back in force during difficult or stressful periods. During the stressful periods of college, the rise of Netflix allowed me to become certifiably obsessed with my favorite TV shows. And naturally, I joined Tumblr in order to more easily fangirl with people who shared my interests.

Only for some peculiar reason that I didn’t care to examine, my interests were slowly gravitating towards girl-girl couples. Soon I was shipping, reblogging, and reading fanfiction almost exclusively about female couples. But I, who had always considered myself straight despite lacking interest in the boys around me, didn’t think this meant that I was gay. I probably just found female couples more emotionally satisfying. I was friends with mostly women, I was a woman myself, so it was natural that I just understood them better. Yeah, that was probably it.

Fast-forward to nine months ago. I was living in Boston and incredibly depressed about it. My job and my boss were making my life miserable and I had very few people to socialize with. I was making the rough transition from the constant socialization of college to the isolating pressure of a city where I had few connections. My days and nights were some of the loneliest I had ever experienced. I looked for something, anything, to lift the heart-crushing emotional silence.

My solution was the same one I always chose when I was dissatisfied with the real world; obsession with a new TV show. And thanks to my femslash-focused tumblr community, I knew just what my next feel-good show was going to be.

My tumblr friends had told me this: Xena: Warrior Princess is an action-fantasy show that enjoys a cult status, much like Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (which I watched and loved). The two shows were made in the same mid-to-late 90's era, with similar bad special effects and endearing campiness. But XWP is much… MUCH… more gay.

That was about all I knew about the show going in. And amazingly, that was all I needed to know to be excited about watching it. You’d think that fact would have told me something about myself, but no. The mental walls of denial were years in the building and needed more force than that to be shattered.

For anyone unfamiliar with the show’s premise, Xena: Warrior Princess is about the title character and her quest for redemption. You see, Xena did some bad things in her previous life on another show (Hercules: The Legendary Journeys). In her storied career as a warlord, she committed such petty crimes as genocide, the slaughter of innocents, that kind of thing. But now she has seen the light and wants to atone for her crimes. Except she can never undo the terrible things she did. All Xena can do now is help people on a day-to-day basis and hope that it’s enough for someone to show her mercy.

Which is already fantastic from a character standpoint. But there is a secret mirror to Xena’s journey that is not reflected in the show’s title, and that is Gabrielle and her character arc.

Oh! Gabrielle! When I met her in the very first episode, I loved her straightaway. She is a feisty, naive, talkative small-town girl who accompanies Xena on all her adventures. Her character quickly assumes paramount importance in the narrative. Gabrielle is Xena’s only friend. She comes to know her better than anyone else and love her for who she is, all the while believing Xena can reach redemption. Yet Gabrielle is not just a support system for Xena; she goes on her own heroic journey. The two character arcs intertwine and co-develop in a way I have never seen in any show before or since.

As each episode rolled by and their relationship grew in complexity, I found myself more and more engrossed. And I came to realize: this was something I wanted. The day I accepted my own desire was the day I accepted myself. What could be more strangling than denying the existence of your own feelings? Yet I had been doing this to myself for years — cutting off the possibility of being attracted to other women — without even realizing.

Before beginning the show, I thought the fandom had read in between the lines to construct a romantic relationship between the two characters, the same way as femslash shippers do in all other TV shows. Except not this time. This one is mind-blowingly different.

Not only does the narrative place utmost importance on the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle, but the actresses bring such multi-dimensional love to their parts. When I saw Lucy Lawless (Xena) and Renee O’Connor (Gabrielle) interact, I could so easily believe that these two women loved each other beyond friendship. Xena and Gabrielle display every kind of love you can think of. They protect and sacrifice for each other. They tease and flirt. They cuddle and console. They have inside jokes with each other. They dance sexily. They play pranks and drive each other crazy. They sweetly kiss. They come back from the dead together. They bathe together. They raise each other’s children. They meet in alternate timelines and fall in love all over again.

I could have left my mental walls of denial in place. I could have said to myself “oh yes, I want this. But with a guy.” But no. Lawless and O’Connor’s incredibly attractive faces and bodies broke down the door of my mental closet. Precisely because they were fictional, I felt safe to admit my attraction to them. One of the key mental blocks I had always had towards accepting any attraction towards other women was the thought that I was being creepy. That since they could not possibly feel the same way about me, it was wrong to feel the way I did. But in my mind, that barrier didn’t exist with fictional characters. They couldn’t feel anything for me. Therefore, it was fine to feel whatever I want about them.

The walls cracked. The water came rushing in. Oh my god. I am attracted to other women. Like, every day of my life. Those flickers in my stomach when I talk to an attractive female coworker suddenly make a whole lot of sense now. I now saw my historical awkwardness when talking to beautiful girls, which I always dismissed as “me being weird”, for what it was. All those short-term girl crushes on older girls throughout high school. How was I so sure they were platonic? That heart-aching infatuation I had with my best friend that lasted for years? Yeah, add that to the ‘definitely gay’ list.

Since then I’ve realized that my feelings are valid regardless of what others feel for me. Just because feelings are unrequited doesn’t mean they aren’t real. That’s what Xena and Gabrielle taught me. Their fictional example was the final blow to my rapidly-crumbling resistance to the idea of homosexuality.

In our culture today, so many forms of media reinforce heteronormativity. How many commercials have you seen that assume attraction between a man and a woman? How many billboards tell women that they need to look sexy for the men in their lives? How many times has a movie ended with the guy getting the girl? It’s the combined action of a thousand small rocks shifting to make a cultural avalanche. You can’t move against it. All you can do is stand still and try to maintain your footing against the current, to maintain your identity in the face of a world where you and people like you are often swept away by the mainstream.

Xena: Warrior Princess is one of those rare stories that dares to go against the grain. It celebrates a romantic relationship between two women as the most natural thing in the world. And in doing so, it provides a mirror for me and people like me to recognize themselves in. There we are. Look at us fly.

This story isn’t over yet. I still have a lot of work to do to accept myself, but thanks to Xena and Gabrielle I’ve taken one huge step towards living the open life I want to live. I moved on from that horrible job and lonely city, but in the end I’m grateful. Grateful that circumstances pushed me to the depths of loneliness necessary to bring down the prison I had built in my own mind.

- How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself by Lyra Hall

[lockefanfic]

Business Trip - Part 10: Shock

“Maybe there’s something we can do that will… ease my nerves about this presentation I’m about to give.”

You turn slightly until your face is facing hers. Your noses brush up against one another, the first feeling of skin on skin contact sending electricity pulsing throughout both your bodies.

“What do you have in mind?”

Tzuyu lets her smile widen before bringing her mouth once more to your ear.

“I want you to fuck me. Right here, right now.”

“Do you need a ride to the convention?”

 You look up from your smartphone, where you are frantically searching for a Mandarin Chinese translation app, and find yourself more than a little struck by what you see.

 The voice is coming from within a fancy, expensive looking limousine. Framed in the limo’s back window is the face of a young woman, and while you had seen and spent your time with more than your fair share of beautiful women, this one still took your breath away for a moment.

 She is young; no more than twenty years old, at most. Her face is gorgeous, round and soft, the cuteness of girlhood giving way slowly to the beauty of womanhood. Her eyes, large and expressive, are staring at you with a friendly look. Her smile is just as attractive as the rest of her, which is to say it was extremely so.

 “Um, yes,” you say, still a little dumbstruck by her. The girl in the limo window bends slightly, presumably to open the door, and despite all the childhood advice you received about not getting into cars with strangers, you nonetheless find yourself happily hopping into this particular car with someone you had only known for all of five seconds.

 All that childhood advice never told you what to do when the person trying to get you into their car was a gorgeous young woman, after all.

 It’s been less than a week since your meeting with the CEO that sent you, Momo, Choa, and Mina to Taiwan. The three girls had gone ahead to the convention to set up that afternoon’s presentation, where they were joined by Seolhyun, who was due to make a presentation showcasing FNC’s new tech and announce their acquisition by JYP Inc. There was a lot riding on the presentation, and so the five of you had spent long hours working on every part of it to ensure it was as effective as it could be. You had planned to join them at the convention space this morning, but had to stay back at the hotel to take a conference call from the head office. This meant you had to catch your own ride to the convention.

 “Sorry,” the young woman says as you slide carefully into the backseat, “I saw the convention ID lanyard around your neck and since I’m heading that way too, I figured you’d need a ride. As you can see, I have a lot of space.” She gestures to the large and mostly empty cabin of the limo, which could have easily fit another four people.

 “Oh, no, I’m thankful. Sorry, your name was?”

 “Sorry! I should’ve introduced myself before asking you to get into my car,” she says with a soft giggle, “My name is Tzuyu. Chou Tzuyu.”

 She extends a small, thin hand towards you, and you shake her hand before introducing yourself in turn. At the mention of your name a look of recognition washes over her delicate features.

 “I’ve heard of you,” she starts, “you’re with JYP Inc., right?”

 “Right. And you’re from…” you start, eager to know who this young woman was. Whoever she was, she must’ve had some clout in the industry, given she was riding to the convention in an expensive looking limo. Her name didn’t ring any bells, however.

 “Oh, we’re from a pretty unknown company… in this industry, at least. We have ventures in other places, but we’re actually only going to be making our debut in this industry today, at the convention.”

 You nod, though you make note of the fact that she managed to avoid telling you what company she was from.

 “Anyway,” she continues, “we have some new tech lined up that we want to introduce, which is why we’ve decided to enter this market. I’m giving a presentation this morning, you should come watch!”

 She smiles softly at you, her face soft and warm, and once again you find yourself awestruck by her beauty. She was at that age of transition between girl and woman, and had all the advantages of both. She brushes her dark hair back from her eyes with one hand, tucking it softly behind her ear - a simple gesture, but one you find entrancing. She is wearing a simple black sleeveless dress; the simplicity of her clothing only served to highlight the natural beauty of her features.

 “Sure. But only if you come watch our presentation in the afternoon,” you reply.

 “Right… rumor has it you guys acquired FNC Corp. Apparently they have some new tech that’s pretty groundbreaking, and that’s why you bought them?”

 You smile slyly before responding, “I’m not at liberty to discuss that.”

 Tzuyu returns the smile. It is dazzling.

 “Rumor also says their Director of Marketing is super gorgeous - like, supermodel gorgeous.”

 You smile at the apt description of Seolhyun, and are about to agree verbally with Tzuyu, but you decide that perhaps it was best to keep quiet. While the acquisition process was well underway, the final deals and paperwork were yet to be signed, and you weren’t about to take any chances with divulging any sensitive information to anyone before it was time. Your company’s acquisition of FNC was supposed to be the big surprise you revealed at the presentation, after all.

 “I can neither confirm nor deny that,” you say, but despite your need to keep things confidential, you find a suggestive smirk creeping across your lips. Tzuyu’s beauty was beguiling, and you found yourself helplessly returning her smiles.

 “I bet she’ll be the one giving the presentation. Women like that are awesome in front of crowds.”

 “I’m sure you’ll be awesome too, then,” you say, almost automatically. You weren’t one to automatically throw compliments at women you barely knew, but there was something about Tzuyu that made it dangerously easy to do so.

 “Oh, I don’t know. I’m kind of nervous, to tell you the truth. I’ve given big presentations before to big crowds, but it’ll be my first time speaking to this particular market. A lot’s riding on this. I’m super nervous.”

 “You’ll be fine. Just imagine everyone in the crowd in their underwear.”

 Tzuyu lets a smile appear on her slim lips, before biting her lip, almost imperceptibly. It was a subtle gesture, difficult to even notice, but you sure did.

 “Is that what you’re doing now?” she asks, her tone suddenly serious, with more than a hint of flirtatiousness.

 Her question shocks you a little, if anything because it came out of nowhere, and from a young woman you’d met not even a half hour ago. You knew next to nothing about Chou Tzuyu, and yet here you were, riding in her limousine, trying to discern whether or not you should reciprocate her flirting.

 “I can neither confirm nor deny that,” you say with a smile. Tzuyu giggles, the sound soft and musical. She returns your smile and her eyes narrow as she stares at you, as though she were trying to figure you out in her head.

 “Maybe a drink will help soothe your nerves,” you say, gesturing to what looked like a sufficiently stocked minibar in the midsection of the limo, “Assuming you can drink, that is.”

 Tzuyu smiles slyly at you. “Was that your way of figuring out whether I’m of legal age?”

 It was your turn to smile and let out a small laugh. Whoever this girl was, she wasn’t stupid. She knew what game you were both playing.

 “I’m not at liberty to discuss that, Miss Chou,” you answer.

 She pink tongue darts out and swipes across her lips as she turns her head to stare out the window at the quickly passing buildings of Taipei’s downtown commercial district. “I’m eighteen, if that helps soothe your nerves. And I’ll make you talk one way or another,” she says, still keeping her gaze locked outside the window, a slim smile playing on her lips.

 The girl knew the game, and she knew how to play it.

 You take a moment to gaze at her side profile, and you are once again taken aback by the beauty in her young face - soft, delicate features, a cute button nose and large eyes. Your gaze wanders a little lower, and you find the rest of her is equally well sculpted, with long limbs and a not insignificant amount of cute baby fat still lingering around her full thighs, giving her a feminine, womanly figure despite her youth.

 You are content to ride in silence for a block or two. Your silence is interrupted after a minute when Tzuyu presses a small button built into the side console of the limousine. She speaks softly in Mandarin, and you assume she is speaking directly to the driver. Through the semi-tinted glass that divides the driver from the rest of the cabin, you notice the driver nod in understanding at whatever it was Tzuyu had asked him to do.

 A few seconds later the limo takes an abrupt turn, away from the flow of traffic and into an alleyway. A large, modern-looking parking building looms to your right, and the limo enters it, rising to the mostly empty third floor before parking in a corner that is surrounded on two sides by solid walls. Without further word, the driver shuts off the engine and steps out of the car before walking towards the exit and leaving the building altogether.

 You tense a little, especially when the driver leaves the limo. You didn’t know who this woman was, and had to be prepared for anything. It wasn’t unheard of for executives to be coerced, physically or otherwise, into doing things they didn’t want to do for the sake of divulging business secrets.

 You look at Tzuyu, hoping to find some indication of just what the hell was going on in her youthful features, but she is only wearing a blank look on her face. She takes one last glance outside her window to ensure the driver is fully out of sight, and one more look out the back window of the limo, as if she were searching for anyone else that might be in the area.

 Seemingly satisfied that you two were the only people on the floor, if not the entire parkade, she returns her gaze to you, her lower lip curling slightly under her front teeth. She bites her lower lip lightly before suddenly shifting closer to you.

 You are fully aware of her proximity, and her closeness brings her gorgeous face so close to yours that it is almost too much to handle.

 Tzuyu’s left hand rests on your left thigh, and she leans her upper body closer to yours before bringing her mouth to within an inch of your left ear.

 “Maybe there’s something we can do that will… ease my nerves about this presentation I’m about to give.”

 You turn slightly until your face is facing hers. Your noses brush up against one another, the first feeling of skin on skin contact sending electricity pulsing throughout both your bodies.

 “What do you have in mind?”

 Tzuyu lets her smile widen before bringing her mouth once more to your ear.

 “I want you to fuck me. Right here, right now.”

 “That’s very forward of you, Miss Chou,” you say, trying your best to put up a front, although every nerve and fibre of your being was screaming at you to jump at this young woman. You don’t see it, but you just know your words have elicited a smile from her.

 Tzuyu’s hand moves a little further up your leg until it turns and starts to caress your inner thigh, her delicate, thin fingers just inches away from the growing bulge in your pants.

 “What’s the matter? Am I too young for you?”

 Tzuyu’s hand moves further up your thigh. The very tip of her fingers brush up against your steadily hardening shaft. It takes every ounce of willpower in your being to not twitch at the sensation.

 “...Wife? Girlfriend?”

 “Girlfriend,” you say softly, “not that she would mind that I fucked another girl. Trust me.”

 “Good,” Tzuyu says, the tone of her voice becoming more and more lusty, her words taking more of a pleading tone, “then there’s no reason why your cock shouldn’t be in my pussy in a few minutes...”

 “I barely know you, Tzuyu. And besides, you could be from a competitor company.”

 Tzuyu smiles, happy that you have played hard to get. With the way she was coming at you, however, you weren’t sure how much longer you could resist.

 The young girl bites her lip again, lifting her body slightly and tugging at the hem of her short skirt until it is bunched up around her waist; as she does so she reveals the small baby pink thong she is wearing beneath it. Then Tzuyu swings her left leg around so that she is quite literally sitting in your lap, each of her legs straddling your waist. She wastes no time and presses her hips forward, letting your now fully erect shaft brush against her pussy.

 Tzuyu lets out a soft moan as she traces a path from your nose to your left ear once more.

 “What about now? Please fuck me, daddy.”

 You weren’t really much of a daddy kink kind of guy, but the combination of Tzuyu’s relative youth and the ridiculously hot body she was pressing up against you broke down any last vestiges of resistance you may have had against fucking the wanton young woman grinding herself against your shaft.

 Tzuyu presses her hips against yours, dragging her pussy against your crotch. The softest of moans escapes her lips.

 “Fuck me, daddy. Fuck my tight little pussy with this big cock of yours.”

 There is a pleading, almost begging tone to her words that is simply irresistible. Tzuyu drags her nose from your ear back to the front of your face, and your eyes look into hers, finding only lust - wanton, unbridled lust. At that moment your composure breaks, and you crush her lips against yours in a fierce kiss.

 The young woman’s tongue enters your mouth almost forcefully, easily finding and pressing itself against its counterpart. Almost immediately you feel Tzuyu’s hands reach between your bodies, working the belt and button of your pants with her long fingers, and you both breathe a sigh of relief as her fumbling finally undoes your pants.

 She wastes no time, her hand immediately grabbing your erect penis over your boxers, and you let out a low gasp as Tzuyu gives you a firm squeeze, delighting in the feeling of the firm flesh in her hand. Your eyes have closed involuntarily, but when they open again you find Tzuyu’s face in front of yours, her gaze drunk with lust and need, the innocence that pervaded her character quickly fleeing away from her baser desires.

 She is biting her lip again.

 Tzuyu gives you one more firm stroke with her palm before grasping the hem of your boxers. She pulls down the garment easily to finally free your shaft from its cotton confines. She breaks your eye contact to gaze down at your stiff, long penis, and a look of satisfaction washes over her young, innocent features. She grasps your shaft gently with her right hand, and taking a moment to ensure you are watching her, she licks her lips, her pink tongue gliding over the shiny red lipstick she was wearing.

 The young woman climbs off your crotch, and while you are slightly disappointed at the new distance she is putting between your bodies, you quickly find yourself unable to complain as Tzuyu repositions herself on her knees between your spread legs.

 She looks up at you with that youthful, fresh face of hers, her large, round eyes so full of innocence, so at odds with the fact that she was on her knees, about to perform such a lewd act. Perhaps that is what is so intoxicating about her - the fact that she was so innocent, so young, and yet so willing to indulge her basest desires. Perhaps that is why you have put up so little resistance to having sex with a girl that was so much younger.

 A moment later, any hesitation you might have had flees from your mind as Tzuyu runs the very tip of her tongue from the base of your cock all the way to your very tip, her tongue gliding slowly and softly over your already weeping slit. A moan of sheer pleasure escapes your mouth as your spine tingles with excitement - it turns out to be a mere appetizer of what follows, as Tzuyu wastes no more time and takes you into her mouth, her soft lips and wet tongue pressing onto every inch of your rock hard shaft.

 Before you know it Tzuyu is giving you one of the best blowjobs you’ve ever had, although a part of you wonders whether it was the novelty of it all - Tzuyu’s youth, the fact that you’d only known her for an hour at most, the fact that you were in a parking lot in a foreign country - or her actual skill at oral sex that contributed to the pleasure coursing throughout your body.

 Regardless, as you reach down to brush a stray lock of dark hair away from her eyes, you find yourself relishing in the sight of your cock as it plunges in and out of the young girl’s mouth, your shaft coated with her saliva. She knows you are watching, and she lifts her eyes to lock her gaze on you, allowing you the beautiful sight of her beautiful face juxtaposed with your shaft pulling in and out of her mouth.

 Minutes pass as Tzuyu continues her blowjob diligently, at one point bringing a slender hand up to pump the base of your cock as she swirls her tongue over and around the head of your shaft. She opens her mouth and presses the head of your cock on her tongue, ensuring she is keeping eye contact as she does so.

 Her other hand has disappeared between her legs - so enraptured by her blowjob were you that you didn’t even notice she had begun to finger herself.

 “I’m ready for you, daddy,” she says, as though reading your mind, “how do you want to fuck me?”

 Her tone is so innocent, so soft and full of nonchalance, as though she were asking about the weather instead of asking you how you wanted to fuck her.

 “Why don’t you take a ride on daddy’s lap, Tzuyu?”

 A devilish smile appears on her face. You are impressed once more with how quickly her innocence fled in the face of lust.

 Tzuyu rises from her knees and straddles you once more - long, legs and full, soft thighs straddling your waist. She takes both hands and raises the hem of her dress up, ensuring you have a fine view of her small pink thong and the damp wetness that has accumulated there. She presses it against your hard shaft, grinding slowly for a few seconds.

 A soft moan of pure pleasure escapes from the young girl’s lips.

 “Do you want me, daddy? Do you want to fuck me? Do you want to tear me open, fuck my pussy, hear me beg for it?”

 “Fuck yes, Tzuyu.”

 You’ve had enough - you needed to be inside her. You grasp her full hips, pressing your shaft more strongly against her pussy. Tzuyu shares your impatience - she needed you inside her just as badly as you wanted it. She reaches down with her right hand and with slim fingers, pushes the wet cotton of her pink thong aside. The pink lips of her pussy glisten invitingly - she was drenched.

 Chou Tzuyu raises her hips slightly, and, once the head of your stiff shaft is in line with her pussy, she shifts downward, finally allowing you into her body.

 Both of you let out a rather loud sigh of pleasure at this first penetration. To say she was tight was an understatement, with her wet, warm, soft walls surrounding you deliciously. You bring both your hands to her full, round hips, relishing the feel of her warm thighs pressing against yours.

 “You’re so big, daddy,” she says softly, her eyes only half open, her eyelashes fluttering as her body adjusts to the hard meat invading her pussy. You rub her hips and thighs with your hands, unable to say anything in return, cursing for a moment that the style of her dress meant there was no easy way to free her breasts. The young woman’s hands are running through your hair, seeking some sort of release for the intense lust that has built up in her body.

 Tzuyu decides to let her body speak for the both of you, raising her hips slowly and drawing your shaft out of her body. You glance down to watch as inch after inch of your cock slips out of her - every inch already lathered with her slick juices.

 Once only the head of your cock remains inside her, she slams her body back down, sending shocks of pleasure throughout both your bodies as your shaft once again penetrates her young pussy. Once you are hilt deep Tzuyu grinds her hips around as if wanting to take you as deep as she could inside her. The sensations are delicious, intoxicating, and you are happy to let her grind herself against you, but she is not as patient as you are. Before you know it she is lifting her hips again, and a split second later she slams them back down again.

 Soon she is riding you with a solid rhythm, taking your stiff cock in and out of her tightly grasping pussy, a constant stream of moans erupting from her lips as you continue to fuck. You bring one hand to the back of her neck and she eagerly accepts your invitation, crushing her lips against yours and opening her mouth to accept your tongue.

 As you continue to make out,  your hand traces down her long, graceful neck to the front of her chest, before finally cupping and squeezing a firm breast in your palm, cursing the layers of cloth that kept you from feeling the young woman’s breasts in your hands.

 The pleasure is almost overwhelming. You’ve had your fair share of sex with beautiful women, but there was something about fucking Tzuyu that put the experience on a completely new level. You tried to convince herself that perhaps it was the circumstances, the fact that you were fucking in a limo, the fact that you had known each other for all of a few hours - but try as you might to deny it, you knew it was her youth, her innocence, and the base desire to fuck a younger girl that made the situation so damn hot.

 “Yes! Yes…. yes! This… this is so good! Fuck me, daddy!”

 You again find yourself unable to answer - so you answer with actions, bringing your hands to her waist and slamming her hips down hard while thrusting up with your hips, penetrating her young pussy with hard, fast strokes.

 The increase in volume of the young woman’s moans is indication enough that you are doing it right, but you want more - you want to show her you’re in control, and truth be told, a dark part of you wants to use her, wants to dominate her.

 You push her, carefully, off your shaft, and though she a complaint begins to form her lips, it is silenced when you take her by the hips and turn her around and push softly on the small of her back. She takes the hint and bends down on the floor of the limo, one arm draped on the side seats as she presents her upraised ass and looks back at you.

 “Mmmm, yes! Fuck me from behind, daddy! Use my body to make you cum… use me however you want, daddy!”

 It scared you, almost, how quickly you took up position behind her, drawing the short black skirt of her dress up and over her hips and pulling her drenched thong down to fully reveal the wet, splayed pink lips of her young pussy. You take only a split second to line up the head of your cock with her opening before you thrust forward, a little harder than you were expecting - not that Tzuyu minded, the loud, shrill shriek that leaves her mouth indication that she was okay with the newfound roughness of your fucking.

 Seconds later you are fucking her - not the soft lovemaking with Momo, not the firm yet considerate fucking with Choa, not even the hard, rough sex you had with Seolhyun - no, this is something different, something almost animalistic, as though you weren’t in control of yourself. The only thing that mattered to you was driving yourself in and out of this young woman’s body and making her yours.

 For her part Tzuyu appears to fully accept, even relish the roughness of your fucking, and the shuddering, quivering mess she becomes soon after you establish your rhythm is proof of the orgasm that rocks her body, the sensations coming so quickly she didn’t even have the time to announce it like the other women you fucked often did.

 The squeezing of her pussy around your shaft is enough proof of her orgasm, as if the sudden, wordless moan that escapes her lips was not enough. The wet slap of skin on skin resonates throughout the limo as you continue to fuck the young girl against the limo’s seat.

 Tzuyu drops her head against the side seat, suddenly unable to keep it up after she cums, her black hair covering her flushed features. The hair does little to stifle her moans, which continue throughout her orgasm and after it. Eventually, she is able to form words.

 “Fuck… fuck that was so good… your turn, daddy. Fuck me! Fuck me until you fill my little pussy with your cum!”

 Her words drive you to fuck her even harder and faster than you already were, ever fibre of your being devoted to drilling this young woman’s pussy with your rock hard shaft.

 “I’m gonna fucking cum, Tzuyu,” you manage to say, the girl’s tight pussy driving you closer and closer to the point of no return with its tight, wet embrace.

 “Do it… do it, daddy! Cum inside me! Cum inside me… cum inside me, daddy!”

 You’ve orgasmed inside plenty of women, but there is something fundamentally different about this - about cumming inside Tzuyu. And you knew it was because she was so young - there was something naughty, something almost wrong, something impure about spilling your thick, hot semen inside such a young girl.

 But a small part of you enjoys every moment of it.

 You push aside any thought of impropriety, any part of your conscience that told you you shouldn’t be doing something so naughty with someone so young and seemingly innocent - even if she was of age and clearly wanted it. Nothing else existed, aside from the urge to drive yourself as deep as you possibly could inside Chou Tzuyu’s wanton, lust-drunk body and let yourself loose, shooting stream after thick stream of hot semen inside her wet, tight pussy.

 For a few seconds you are paralyzed, unable to move as the waves of pleasure resonate from your crotch and suffuse every fibre of your being. Eventually you gather your wits enough to fall back down to Earth as your orgasm subsides; it was, in many ways, just a quickie - it couldn’t have been more than ten minutes since your first kiss to your orgasm. But it felt much longer, and it felt like forever before you were able to finally move again.

 Slowly, you remove your spent shaft from Tzuyu’s pussy, watching intently as a trickle, and then a steady stream of your white, pearly semen appears from between her drenched pussy  lips.

 Tzuyu looks back at you, her youthful features flushed with lust.

 “That was fucking hot, daddy.”

 ---

 The rest of your ride to the convention centre passed relatively uneventfully, Tzuyu acting as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened, which felt more than a little awkward. It turns out you were only five to ten minutes away from the convention centre, and as you open the door and exit the limo, the back window lowers and Tzuyu’s voice stops you from leaving.

 “Wait,” she says quietly.

 The young woman raises her hips and reaches beneath the black hem of her skirt, and you realize that she is removing her thong. She slides the tiny, slim strip of cloth down her full, shapely thighs and her long legs before slipping the still-drenched underwear into the inside pocket of your blazer, still moist with your cum and her juices.

 “Something to remember me by until the next time I give you a ride, daddy.”

 Tzuyu winks, bites her lip, and raises the window. You watch, dumbfounded, as the limo drives away.

 ---

 Three hours have passed since Tzuyu dropped you off, and the events of that morning still haven’t really sunk in. The pink thong in your front jacket pocket, however, is a constant reminder that it all really did happen.

 “What company is this again?” Hirai Momo asks, shaking you from your dazed reverie. She is seated beside you in the convention centre’s main auditorium, where you and the rest of your team have gathered to watch Tzuyu’s presentation. She is seated to your left, with Choa, Seolhyun, and Mina seated in that order to your right.

 “Some up and coming company I’ve never heard of,” you say, hoping Momo didn’t detect the lies in your words, “I don’t think they’re anything to be concerned about. But… the boss did say we should check out the competition.”

 Momo nods to you as she peruses the program idly, flipping its pages, evidently bored out of her mind.

 The lights on the stage have begun to dim, and a spotlight shines on stage; the presentation is about to begin.

 A slim figure in a black dress appears from behind a curtain - it is Chou Tzuyu.

 Almost immediately she engages the crowd, her voice firm and confident, without any of the nervousness that she spoke of earlier that morning. She introduces herself, her company, and quickly and smoothly transitions into some background information on her company’s pursuits in other industries - behind her, projected onto the wall, a well designed presentation highlights her talking points with infographics and statistics.

 This was not the nervous young girl you shared a ride to the convention centre with. This was a professional, a confident public speaker in her element.

 “We may be new in this industry, but we’re ready to make an impact,” Tzuyu says, her voice loud, clear, and confident. Her eyes are shining, her hands gesturing comfortably to emphasize her points. A smile is ever-present on her lips; the same lips that were twisted in lewd pleasure earlier that morning.

 “...And we want to make that impact using technology that is completely new to this industry,” she continues, “something that will be totally groundbreaking. We’re talking a complete paradigm shift in the industry that will change the way you do things. We’re taking a complete game changer.”

 Was the entire ‘innocent, nervous girl’ persona Tzuyu had that morning merely a mask? Was she playing games with you? You shift uneasily in your seat at the thought of being used, being toyed with. Beside you, Momo and the others sit impassively - they had no reason to feel uncomfortable, after all. You envy them their ignorance.

 “....and to introduce our tech, we have one of our head developers here to walk you through it. Please welcome...”

 A spotlight appears at the other end of the stage. A young woman in a white dress steps out onto the stage.

 “...Minatozaki Sana!”

 There have been a few moments in your life when time freezes; important moments, when time stands still, when your heart ceases to beat. Your first kiss. A couple of moments playing sports. Happy moments, sad moments - but also moments of sheer shock.

 This was one of those moments.

 It is a moment that seems to last forever. It lasts so long that as you turn to Momo, you swear not a second has passed; your eyes register the look of pure shock, overlaid with betrayal, written all over your girlfriend’s features.

 You look to your right, and see that Choa has covered her mouth with a hand, her eyes filled with hurt and pain; Seolhyun is gripping the armrests of her chair with a deathgrip, her knuckles white and sheer anger all over her features; and while she is too far for you to see her face, the clenched fists gathered in Mina’s lap tell you that she too is wrestling with hurt and pain and anger.

 Sana begins to speak on stage, and although you hear the words, you have trouble making sense of them.

 After a few minutes it becomes abundantly clear - the “groundbreaking” tech Tzuyu’s company is introducing is in fact the tech from Seolhyun’s company. Someone had to have stolen it from FNC; someone who had full access to FNC’s offices and staff. Someone who had the the opportunity, the industry knowledge, and the skills to accomplish such a feat.

 A final, sad thought comes up in your head, one that is almost too painful bear; Minatozaki Sana was that someone.

 Every word she speaks is a dagger into your back.

[apothecarinomicon]

Spring week 1 part 2

It was, in fact, someone looking for my help. Aidan Bankhead, one of the bakers in town (so he introduced himself), stood there practically filling up the doorframe.

He asked me if I was the new witch and I said I supposed I was. He looked me over and seemed to approve. He held up his thumb, showing me that there was a screw sticking out of it. I told him a puncture wound was more the domain of a surgeon, but he shook his head and asked if he could come in.

I hadn’t made it all the way through my “yes” before he was in the door. The instant he made it to the center of the room, the copper alembic zipped from its place on the shelf to slam against his thumb. He winced. It stayed stuck there. Magnetic thumb, he told me. A hereditary disorder, and particularly inconvenient for baking. Not curable, but it only crops up every few months and when it does there’s a tincture that can help. He said the old witch (that’s what he called her, “the old witch”) used to make it for him, though he’s not sure what exactly went into it.

I mentioned that I didn’t think copper magnetized, and he said that pure copper was probably too soft to hold the shape of the apparatus in its pure form and that the alembic was likely made of an alloy—though not in those exact words. Said he’d picked that tidbit up from his best friend, the father of the mining family.

I told him I hadn’t cured any cases of magnetic thumb before, but I had heard of it, and I knew the basic mechanisms. I told him it would be easy enough to recreate my predecessor’s tincture by combining our notes, and that I would let him know when it was done.

It was clear that he hadn’t expected any kind of significant wait, but I knew I’d need time to collect the reagents. So, I told him to feel free to use the stream or the latrine to clean his wound, and lent him the first aid kit I’d brought with me. I figured that would buy me some time.

I got to work immediately, cross-referencing my predecessor’s notes on the environment surrounding Greenmoor with my own knowledge base about which substances cure which symptoms, and in what environments they were likely to be found. More quickly than I expected, I had my shopping list.

I decided to make my way to Moonbreaker Mountain first, both because one of my ingredients was likely there, and because according to my predecessor’s notes there’s a direct (albeit circuitous) route from there to the other place I’ll be needing to go, that isn’t as easy to traverse the other way around.

 ────⊱⁜⊰──── 

It is a strange mountain, mostly due to the land surrounding it. As far as I understand, mountains are typically surrounded by foothills, the land creasing higher and higher until it finally reaches its peak. Furthermore, mountains rarely stand alone: they come in twos or threes in lines or clusters, all formed together. Moonbreaker Mountain has neither of these features. It stands alone, shooting up abruptly from flat ground to a peak past the clouds. Fortunately, I shouldn’t need to climb that far up today.

It occurred to me as I began to scale the side (two feet and one hand on the ground at all times) that with a landscape like this, I might be able to make the best of a bad situation. After all, isn’t mountain climbing an adventure? It certainly felt like adventure, or at least close enough.

I was pulled from my thoughts when I tripped over a rock and almost went skittering back down the path before I managed to find my footing. Only after I’d stopped did it occur to me that as my foot struck it the rock had sounded hollow. I carefully picked my way back up to it for a closer look.

As it turned out, it wasn't a rock at all, but what looked to be a large metal boot (well, larger than mine, at least—although that’s not difficult to achieve). The top of it was buried in a large tangle of vines that coated a much larger form, maybe twice as big as me.

Well, if this wasn’t something presenting itself I didn’t know what was.

When cleared away, the vines revealed a vaguely humanoid form—it had clear arms and legs, though its torso was just a rough cylinder, it had no neck, and the head was a strange shape with only the barest hint of facial features. It was made almost entirely out of stone, though below the knees and past the elbows it transitioned to rusted metal. Running the entire length and circumference of the torso were carved runes. They weren’t the ones I’d have used, but their purpose was clear nonetheless: among them were instructions for life, for consciousness, for autonomy. This was a stone golem, abandoned here and left to the elements.

And it had certainly been dutiful in offering itself up to the cold and rain. Its limbs were rusted, its movement sluggish even once freed from the tangle of plants. It could be of real use around the cottage, but it’d need repairs first.

My gut murmured something to me, and I deemed it worth a try.

I leaned in and whispered to the golem, gently, since it likely hadn’t heard anyone speak in quite a while. I told it that I could repair it (I didn’t actually know how, but left that small stumbling block for later), but that I didn’t have the materials I’d need with me.

I asked if it had enough energy to make it home.

It didn’t move at first. I almost gave up, resigning myself to lugging a bag of anything that might help up the mountain at some later date. Then sluggishly, clumsily, it stood. It looked at me for a moment and I wondered what it was thinking. Then, it began to walk slowly down the slope in the direction of the village.

Among the tangle of vines that had covered the golem, I found exactly what I was looking for: hiker’s helper. Its leaves can be boiled into a tincture that helps with pain. How serendipitous.

I plucked a handful of leaves from the vine and headed on my way.

 ────⊱⁜⊰──── 

When I reached the bottom of the mountain—a different part than I’d climbed up, closer to Meltwater Loch, where I was headed—I came across a small rest stop. It seemed designed for adventurers, with raised platforms for tents (I assume a particularly bad rain could easily cause torrents to rush down the mountain), a pump, a latrine, and complementary bear bags. There was a family sitting by an empty fire pit—a man, a woman, a son, and a daughter. They were absolutely grimy, covered in dust and soot. I wasn’t really interested in talking, but the woman spotted me before I could slink away and called me over.

She was Crystal. He was Angus. The teenagers didn’t introduce themselves. She asked if I was the new witch, and I asked how she guessed. She said it was just a hunch at the same time that he said that no one who wasn’t a witch would choose to dress the way I was. She swatted him on the arm.

I suppose I’ll have to visit the tailor in town.

They are the family responsible for mining the raw materials used in the town’s industry—all four of them share the work among them every morning, and return home around noon. They typically go mining in Hero’s Hollow, but there was currently a party of adventurers in there and working around adventurers is inconvenient. The resources aren’t nearly as rich in the caves under Moonbreaker Mountain, but it’s something at least.

Crystal asked me where I was headed, and I told her Meltwater Loch. I was going to see if I could find any slime shells, whose secretions help with ailments of the blood. Angus, half joking, told me to be careful out there, that there’s a pack of cù-sìth (magical hounds) that like to hunt in the loch. I laughed and told him cù-sìth aren’t real. Neither he nor Crystal responded to this.

I asked them how they deal with the threats in Hero’s Hollow—it is a dungeon, after all. Angus said dungeons aren’t as bad as everyone makes them out to be. Most of the inhabitants are perfectly reasonable, so long as you know how to interact with them. That’s not a perspective I’d ever encountered before. I wonder if it’s worth further consideration.

At this point, their daughter told me to catch (the first thing she’d said) and tossed me a glass vial. Reckless of her—I’m visibly not athletic—but miraculously I actually caught it before it shattered on the ground. I held it up to the light, not believing what I was seeing. At my questioning look, she confirmed it was vampire venom. She said she found it that morning, and after learning I was a witch she figured I’d have more use for it than she would. I told her I would certainly find one and tucked it carefully into my satchel next to the leaves.

We sat and I chatted with the parents a bit longer before I had to be on my way.

 ────⊱⁜⊰──── 

Meltwater Loch was more beautiful than I’d anticipated. I don’t know why I expected it to be more of a swamp. My predecessor’s notes specified that there was a bog somewhere around as well—I suppose I just thought the loch would be part of it.

I wandered along the edge for a bit, combing the crystalline waters for any small mollusks that could be what I sought. After about fifteen minutes of this, I heard a single bark echo out from the trees behind me.

No fucking way.

I froze, listening intently, racking my brain for all I could remember of the myths surrounding the cù-sìth: huge dogs, the size of a small cow; solitary hunters; shaggy green coats…

Then, I remembered the most chilling part. When hunting, the cù-sìth barks thrice, and only thrice. And if it’s prey hasn’t reached safety by the third…

A second bark rang out over the loch.

Frantically, I scanned my surroundings for anything that could help me. The only cover I could see was the trees behind me, and that was where the barking was.

Looking down at the water, I spotted a patch of what looked like seaweed, with just the very tops poking out of the water. I knew that plant. As loath as I was to get my clothing wet, it seemed I didn’t have a choice.

Quickly, I waded into the water and hunkered down until only the top half of my head was poking out over the surface. I held my satchel above my head to keep it dry, and that combined with the surrounding weeds obscured me almost entirely.

Just as I thought, the air within the patch smelled especially clean. This was a species called gas weed, known for expelling excessive amounts of oxygen. Hopefully it would dilute my scent enough.

I waited there for around ten minutes, and no third bark rang out. With a sigh of relief, I stood.

Wading back out of the loch, I stepped on what felt like a particularly rough stone. Looking down, I found it was a slime shell. At least I’d be able to get back to the cottage and change, I thought as I reached down and snagged it.

 ────⊱⁜⊰──── 

The quickest route back led me directly through the village. I tried to keep my head down, embarrassed at my unkempt state, certain everyone was staring at me. If I could just get back to the cottage, then I could change and maybe bathe and feel alright again.

That’s when someone called out to me.

I debated just ignoring him but no, I’d been instructed to be sociable. So, I turned and walked towards the voice.

It came from one of two men sitting at a wicker table outside the bakery. He introduced himself as Evander Bankhead—Aidan’s husband and co-owner of the bakery. His friend was Gowan Leckie, the local blacksmith.

Evander said he just wanted to thank me for taking care of his husband, and asked how he was doing. I said I’d been out gathering reagents, but I doubted he could have gotten into too much trouble at the cottage. Evander chuckled and said he wouldn’t put it past Aidan to fabricate a bind for himself all on his own.

He made small talk and I’ll admit I was a bit checked out. I was cold and uncomfortable and tired and not too focused on first impressions. At the end of it he thanked me again and insisted I take some bread and a songberry, as a tangible expression of his gratitude.

It’s only just occurred to me that songberries are used in potions meant to improve mood. I wonder if that was intentional.

 ────⊱⁜⊰──── 

When I got back to the cottage, here is what I did:

First, I built a little fire in the fireplace.

Then, I filled the small cauldron with water and dropped the hiker’s helper leaves in and set the whole thing over the fire.

I let it boil until the pigmentation of the leaves had leached into the water and the whole thing was a dark green color. Then, I took it off the heat.

Next, I convinced the slime shell to open up just a bit so its slime could drop into the mixture (I must remember to return the mollusk itself to its natural habitat next time I’m there—I’ve left it in a small pool near the river for the time being).

Finally, I briskly stirred the whole thing until it turned a royal blue color, which I supposed meant it was ready.

It was at this point that I realized I didn’t have any cups or bottles or any kitchenware, for that matter. What an oversight.

I went outside to find Aidan, and I located him (copper implement still stuck to his thumb) examining what at first appeared to be a large pile of rocks. As I got closer, I realized with a sense of both pride and uncanny surprise that it was in fact the stone golem, having made its way here from the mountain, and now sitting inactive in the middle of the cottage’s backyard. Maybe there actually was something to this ‘listen to your gut’ business.

Aidan asked me if the golem was mine and I said I didn’t think it was yet, that it needed repairs and I wasn’t sure how to go about that. He recommended that I speak to his friend Gowan (who I realized I’d already met—he had been the one sitting with Evander), and I said I just might do that.

I asked him where I might find a cup and he produced a wooden one from the satchel at his side. He said my predecessor always made her patients bring their own.

Well, that solved the immediate problem I supposed, though I made a mental note to see if I could find some kitchen implements of my own in town.

As I carefully poured the potion from my cauldron into his cup, Aidan asked me what it was called. At my questioning noise, he told me my predecessor always named her concoctions—the easier to tell them apart. Thinking back on it, I realized Edith had done the same thing. I suppose it just never occurred to me.

On impulse, I told Aidan it would be called Bankhead’s Brew, after him. He seemed flattered.

As soon as he took a sip, the copper alembic fell with a thunk into the grass. That was as strong proof of its efficacy as any.

Aidan thanked me, paid me 20 silver, told me again to get Gowan to look at the golem (and I told him again to seek medical attention for the screw embedded in his thumb), and went on his way.

And just like that, I had treated my very first patient.

I immediately set out for the river to collect water for a bath.

⇦●〇●⇨

[bforbbgirl]

Traqué

Summary - a young woman’s life is thrown into chaos when someone from her past comes back,showing that he will stop at nothing to fulfill his darkest desires. 

Warning - slow burn, language, mention of drug use, smut, themes of stalking and other tw things.

Purdue World Banking was one of the top banks in Los Angeles, used by some of the richest families and business tycoons from around the world. You were rarely phased by the uppity types that in through those doors, often times you plaster on a fake smile, handle all the checks and cash and then send them on their way like normal.

It was a boring job to say the least but it paid well, it also helped that you quickly made friends with two other clerks named Travis and Nikki, both of them made the long hours easier. Both their personalities mixed well, even though you were slightly quieter than than them, you still always had made and teased one another.

A light tap on your shoulder breaks you out of your thoughts, glancing to your right, Nikki wears a playful grin before her eyes flicker to the revolving doors, the tall, build man that’s been haunting your dreams for the last six month coming in. He walks almost with a cocky strut, his long legs carrying him with this air of confidence that you noticed the moment you’ve met him. It was at random that day he came in, you were still training still getting to know the ropes when he came to your window.

Being your first time left alone, you were a little flustered stumbling over the keyboard and Lewis was there, smiling sat sweetly and even cracking a few jokes put you at ease, it did help the fact that he was easy on the eyes too. After that day, he’s always made it a point to come too your line, he was always friendly and patient, sometimes you think he would prolong the conversation, not that you were complaining that much.

You feel your smile growing as he walks closer, pull his sunglasses off his face as his smile widens as well, “Hi there gorgeous.”

Your cheeks grow warm from the compliment and you playfully roll your eyes, continuing typing away on your on you keyboard, “good afternoon, Mr. Tan.”

Lewis smirks, leaning against the counter as he shakes his head. “I thought I said you didn’t have to call me that?”

You spare him a glance before going back to your desktop, you already had his information up on the screen ready to go but you actually liked to banter with him. Once he was done openingly checking you, he passes you a heavy envelope and his ID. He never really brought up what he did for a living and you never made it a point to ask him but you couldn’t stop your mind from wandering form time to time. After finishing up the processing and a few flirty exchanges, you expected him to give you his signature wink before disappearing out the building him but this time he stayed behind, talking to you more since it was relatively slow today. 

“So, a new bistro just opened up a few blocks from here,” Lewis says, his fingers toying with the rim of his sunglasses.

You had your chin rested in your palm, taking in his appearance noticing the small tattoos on his hands and you often wonder if he had more. “Mhm, it looks good and the reviews have been hyping it up but its been packed there nonstop; heard you couldn’t even get seating outside!” Shaking your head, you mumble a complaint about LA being too much, earning a chuckle from Lewis before he looks back down, almost like he’s thinking something.

He soon clears his throat after a moment a of comfortable silence falls between the both of you, “well, if you’re free tomorrow night, I was thinking about checking it out and I’d love too have you come with me.” His voice was low now, holding your attention for a moment before you register what he had just asked you. Lewis just asked you on a date to one of the restaurants that you’ve been wanting to visit for the past two weeks now, you have had a crush on this man for a while now but couldn’t bring yourself to say anything, you try but fail to hide your frown and from the way his playful smirk slowly drops makes your heartache.

Realizing your answer without you having to say anything, you both try to apologize rushing it out at the same time to try and bypass the awkwardness of the situation and you couldn’t of felt even more worse.

“I-“

“Hey, it’s fine really I’m big boy, I can handle rejection.” Lewis says, standing tall and wearing that smirk that has your thighs pressing together. You were attracted to him, he was funny and cocky in away that any other man it would off doughy like, but with Lewis you just knew he wasn’t all talk.

So why were you hesitating?

You think back to last weeks session with doctor Moorse and how she’s been pushing you, at your own pace of course, to start to become more open to ‘putting yourself out there’. Besides Nikki and Travis, you didn’t know anyone in this city and you preferred to keep it that way but after some more convincing from doctor Moorse to at least try so that’s what you were going to do.

Quickly, snatch the receipt you had handed too him, confusing him as you write you number down before handing it back, finding the counter more interesting for the moment, missing a wide smile on his face when he sees your number.

“I’ll text you later?” his voice sounded hopeful and you nod, catching a glance of him before he leaves.

*************

You were nervous. 

After Lewis had left yesterday, you had been a mess. A date!? You couldn’t even remember the last time you have even gone out on a date, it must of been years. At the thought, you feel your heart sinking to the pit of your stomach.

‘I can’t do this..’

You were already having second thoughts, you didn’t know if you were ready or not to put yourself back out there and you’ve been now sitting on your couch all morning battling all the ‘what ifs’. Your phone vibrated next to your bouncing leg and see it’s from Lewis.

Lewis: I’m excited for tonight! :)

A small smile tugs on your face, you’ve been texting back and forth a little since you gave him your number and it was nice, he was still being sweet and funny, you liked talking to him too but still, you couldn’t shake the voice in the back of your head warning you to not leave the house. Feeling like you were driving yourself crazy, you quickly dial doctor Moorse number, who picks up on the second ring.The conversation had taken up most of your day as by the time you had gotten off the phone with her, you only have an hour left to get ready.

“Don’t give him the power to control your life anymore, Y/n. He can’t hurt you anymore..” 

You had repeated those words over and over to yourself while getting ready. Moorse reminded you that, you had moved all the way here to LA as a means to start fresh and that’s what you were going to do.

Smoothing down the front of the satin red dress you had tucked away in your closet, you had thought you’d never get to wear that again but glad that you were.

You and Lewis both agreed to meet up around eight and it was already ten minutes til; you had arrived a little earlier, taking a look around the area before you finally decided to park across the street since it’s free parking for today.

Soon, you find yourself walking the pavement towards the busy restaurant, hearing laughter and chatter from guest already seated, it doesn’t take you long to spot Lewis who was already outside waiting, chatting with the two younger men were parking the guest cars. As you make your way over, you can’t help but to take him in, getting the clear height of him. You knew he was tall but from sitting behind counter made it harder to fully take him in; his hair was cut and styled as the black suite and tie combo worked well for him, highlighting his muscular frame that, apart of you would be lying, if you weren’t even the slightly curious about how good he would look outside of that suite.

A low whistle comes from one of the younger guys, drawing Lewis attention to behind him and his jaw nearly dropped on the floor.

“Wow, hi..”

You couldn’t stop the grin from spread across your face as his eyes dance across your figure from head to toe, any other man and you would of squirmed in disgust but with Lewis you actually wanted his attention, wanted his gaze to stay focus on you and you had gotten your wish.

Dinner was going smoothly, after ordering a food and drinks, you had felt yourself becoming more and more comfortable with him as he was sharing more about himself and you were giving him bits and pieces but he didn’t push you to share more than what you were comfortable with. The more he spoke, the more you found yourself growing more and more attracted to him, from his ability to transition from one topic to another with ease, always keeping you on your toes with the flow on conversation. If he wasn’t filing in the conversation, he was attentive, listening and giving you his full attention and you find yourself liking it.

The waitress had finish clearing off the plates after dropping off new drinks for you both, you were only on your second glass which surprised you as well.  Lewis had just got done showing you pictures of his dog when his phone vibrate.

“Maybe you should take it?” You had asked, throughout the night, his phone has been going off with notifications, you didn’t mind too much but he insisted on just ignoring it but now, a small curse leaves from his lips as he glances down at his phone before sighing. 

“Uh, yeah it’s work I’m sorry sweetheart.” his voice showed a sign of annoyance, having to leave to take the call in the middle of his date wasn’t something he had wanted too do, in fact he was planning on ignoring the call all together but you insisted on him answering it. “I’ll be back.” with that, Lewis had quickly gotten to head out, giving a wink before you hear him answering the call as he heads out towards the front.

You take a sip from your glass of wine, glancing around the establishment at the other guest dining, watching the waiters and bussers moving about but one figure stops your gaze making your blood run cold.

‘No..’

Blinking a few times, you look back towards the other side of the room nearing the kitchen. Your mind had to be playing tricks on you, it had to be but as you glance in the same direction, he’s still there, only this time he was making his way through the crowd and towards you.

‘He’s not real..’

Two steps during into two strides.

‘He’s not real...’

He runs a hand down his chin as a wicked smile soon dawns on his face, his eyes growing darker the closer he got.

‘He’s not-’

You didn’t give yourself time to think, grabbing your clutch you move as fast as your heels would let you and you didn’t look back. The warm breeze from the summer night rushes into your lungs as you step out the restaurants, feeling like you were already out of breath.

“Y/n?” Glancing over to your left, you see Lewis standing with his phone pressed against his ear but he already looked two seconds away from ending the call. Shaking your head, you let out an shaky apology before taking back off towards your car as fast you can, fearing that looking back would give him time to catch you.

Ignoring your name being called, you make in towards the parking lot and frantically looking for you keys. Everything was felt like a blur too you as you piled out the parking lot, hands barely able to grip the steering wheel as you speed through traffic.

You dial the one person you knew, knew just how heavy this situation was. After the third ring, your sister had finally picked up, “Hell-”

“He’s back, Mya I saw h-him, I-I-”

“Whoa, hold on Y/n, what are you-”

You pull too a red light, a sob leaving your lips as you try to keep it together but you couldn’t. “It was him Mya, I saw him just now and-and he saw me.”

A sigh comes from the other end. “Y/n, are you sure?”

“Yes!” You shouted, wiping your tears quickly.

“Matt, he’s back!”

***************

Taglist: @royallyprincesslilly​ @chaneajoyyy​ @honeychicanawrites​ @munteanhorewrites​ @night-of-the-living-shred​ @fumbling-fanfics​ @crushed-pink-petals-writes​ @dc41896​ @blackwomanwriter​

A/N: So, i’m a dummy and accidentally posted this without finishing it so if you read it, i’m sorry lol. This is a new series that I have been working on for a while but just haven’t been able to write until now. English isn’t my first language i am sorry for the misspell of words. 

If you would like to be tagged(or untagged), please let me know!!

[psychokangaroo]

M3 Diary: Infernal Medicine pt 26 because that's what I'm calling it now.

Kind of stuck between the exhaustion and the pending hospice/goals of care transition/deaths today, I saw something pretty amazing that reminds me of why I loved psychiatry from a long time ago.

We walked in on this patient who is in DKA and grouchy and very hungry and thirsty. Hes angry. Hes angry that he doesn't get to eat food. The intern was not getting through to him at all. And he was starting to swear at all of us and refusing all treatment.

And then my senior did something pretty remarkable. She stopped. She shushed the intern in a nice way, and she stopped. She let the grouchy yelling patient finish. And then she let him fall silent. And then she started replying to him in a quiet and firm voice, empathizing with bis feelings, and somehow getting him to understand why we are doing what we do.

And it turns out, all he was irritated about was not knowing thr plan and feeling not being cared for.

By the time we finished, the man sheepishly apologized for yelling and saying that he's also bipolar and working on his mood swings too, and he's very grouchy today. And what started as an aggressive encounter turned into a softly pleasant one.

Not to toot my own horn, but this encounter reminded me of my first patient at the VA, with a highly intelligent and opionanted man who is probably considered a "difficult" patient, mostly because he likes to set his own schedules within reason amd wants to know everything about what and why he's getting the treatment that he does.

And as a black man, its completely understandable why he is the way he is, given the way that medical research has failed BlPOC again and again. The man was irritated ans done the first time I saw him. Almost right from the get go, he reminded me of the hospitalized patient I saw on psych consult way back in September when I started third year. And I remember all the ways I learned to listen to patients from that rotation. I put my notes and ny pen away, and took a seat on the windowsill next to his bed. And just let him talk, asking him questions about what is the most important thing to him, what matters to him, and how to make everything better. And when there was silence, I remembered what my own therapist once told me in jest (hey, feel free to keep silent. I'm a therapist. I am very good at dealing with silences).

And I came often too. The man was a little lonely. My personal patient list was pretty empty, and he had few visitors. I end up spending an hour or more chatting with him every day, mostly him talking. We talked a lot too, probably beyond what is generally considered appropriate professional conversation, like religion, politics, gender/sexual identity, his own background and my allusion to my own traumas growing up. I think he grew to trust and like me, and I think he was more trusting of us to at least giving him good options he can trust. At least, that's what he told my attending.

Both my patients and thr patient today reminded me some of the things that have fallen into the back if my mind these days and what made me love third year. Medicine is as much about the science of providing treatments with the best evidence for treatment as about the art of building relationships with people, some of whom distrust you and/orndislike you. Its easy to brush them off as difficult people, but more often than not, these people are understandably frustrated for very legitimate reasons. The hospital is a stressful place, and they sometimes need someone to vent to before they feel comfortable with accepting new information from thr endless stream of people parading in and out. And one of the most magical things that I've been told during first year and I now see applied in real time was thr magic of silence. Taking a breath, sitting down, and let your patient have a moment to finish their thoughts, rest, and process. Thag silence isn't awkward. It is restorative, taking people out of the din and chaos and into a moment of peace.

PS. Several years ago, I got into a fight with a classmate I started medical school with. She was talking about patients/colleagues in a way that is almost like she has quite a bit of internalized misogyny. She complained about fitness moms getting a boob job. She complained about bitchy nurses giving her an attitude. She complained about mean co-med students. I called her out on the way she describes her female colleagues. She blew up on me for calling her not super compassionate and promptly blocked me on facebook. I was pretty frustrated with her at the time, but also worried I may have gone too far. Besides, maybe she did happen to meet particularly annoying coworkers and patients. After all, I had not done my clerkship at the time so how would I know? How can I judge?

But now that im almost done with clerkships, I feel that mg criticism of her was more justified. I met some people who are tired and frustrated, but never in a malignant way that she described to me. Amd I have met some interesting situations. I have been yelled at. I have been cursed at. I have been threatened (although the pt is very unlikely to carry out the threat, plus she was manic). I met people who have murdered or committed other serious crimes. I dont know what it says about my distress tolerance, but none of that seem all that bad to me. In the end, these people are in a bad place, and in need of help. And despite all the "scary" encounters, in the end people re just people, flawed and human, much like myself. And I think that it is my job to lend a hand, not only with providing treatments but also doing the simple job of slowing down and offering am ear

[calumrose]

Trigger [Police/Gang!AU] Chapter 4 || C.H

A//N: Here we bloody go! Enjoy chapter 4! I was gonna stick in a GIF for Calum but then realised he’s not actually in this chapter *spoiler ;)* But there’s almost no good gifs for my face claim for Eloise so... If one gets attached by the time I post this, then google images clearly felt like being nice to me for once.

Word Count: 11.3k

Summary: Eloise Gray and Calum Hood, not two people you would ever think to put together. What started as a ploy for power turned into a romance, resulting in the realisation that loving your enemy may not be such a bad thing after all.

Previous Chapters: Prologue / Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3

22 Days Left

The park was surprisingly quiet for a Thursday afternoon. There was a quiet bustle that continued to fill the open space, people enjoying a peaceful afternoon walk while others enjoyed a more strenuous afternoon run. The sun beat down through the blue skies, the reflection of light bouncing off of the pond in the centre of the grassed area where Paige and Eloise sat together.

Eloise was in desperate need of a catch up with a friend; one who didn’t have any ties with a so-called gang. Paige was always one to think straight, and that’s exactly what Eloise needed right now, a straight talker. Her mind was a minefield and had been for the past few days; more so than usual. Typically, the reason for the treacherous tiptoeing around her own thoughts were due to the highly illegal escapades she found herself tied up in, but instead this time they were caused by a hopelessly handsome, tall Australian who she had been texting back and forth with for the past few days.

Ever since their date in Calum’s apartment, ever since she felt his lips against hers once again, she was in a trance. She couldn’t think straight anymore, unable to block him out. And unfortunately for her, she was struggling to convince herself that none of it was genuine.

Talking to Calum was so easy for her, it was as easy as walking. And it confused her. She was unable to comprehend how she felt so comfortable around him, how she was able to be rendered speechless by his words, how she was able to become putty in his hands without even realising. She hated that it seemed so involatile, unable to be stopped no matter how hard she tried to fight it – even though she didn’t make the strongest effort to.

A gust of wind blew through the park, catching Paige off-guard as she tried to keep her cap secured on her head against the wind, a gentle huff escaping her as she waited for it to calm down. Eloise’s hair flew freely from the breeze, her body welcoming the cold chill that rattled through her bones as she sat in the company of her friend. “Could you have picked a windier spot to sit down?” Paige scoffed, a playful smirk on her face as she turned in her seat, trying to find a better position to battle against the wind, to which Eloise sent a shrug in response.

Eloise and Paige had been friends for years, meeting in high school and being paired up in their history class for a project, becoming and remaining close friends ever since. She had introduced Eloise to her other friends, and then Eloise introduced them to Scott. The small group of them became a team during their time in school, a group who stuck together and supported one another throughout most trials and tribulations, especially when it came to Eloise.

“So, uh, y’know there’s a reason why I asked if we could meet up today,” Paige plucked a few strands of grass from the ground next to her, avoiding Eloise’s eyes. Her whole face was rosy, a mixture of that being from the radiating sun shining down on them and also from the remaining effects of the cold she had been suffering with.

“Uh huh,” Eloise sounded, trying to encourage Paige to continue with whatever she was trying to come out with. The words looked to be as if they were on the tip of the blonde’s tongue, her blue eyes, that shared the same shade as the sky, searching for something to focus on. “Paige, out with it already for god’s sake!”

Eloise could see the intake of breath Paige took in as her blue eyes finally met brown. “Remember the promotion I mentioned a few weeks back, the one for the Lead Graphic Designer position in Georgia?” Eloise felt her throat tighten at the word ‘Georgia’, realising very quickly what her friend was trying to explain to her. “And how I thought about going for it, but I fought against it because it meant packing up everything and moving to another state,”

Eloise nodded, “Yeah, I remember. And from what you had told me, it sounded pretty perfect you,”

Paige swallowed the lump in her throat as she plucked up the courage to continue, “Well, I applied for it, but I didn’t want to tell anyone in case I got my hopes up for nothing, but I’ve heard back. And they want me to start in a few weeks.”

Eloise mouth dropped; the corners of mouth tilted up as she stared at the blonde in surprise. She didn’t say anything at first, unable to find the words before she found the strength in her throat to let out a subtle shriek of joy before leaning over and wrapping her arms around her friend. “Paige, that’s great news! This is fantastic!” Paige’s arms were felt around Eloise’s shoulders, a gentle appreciative laugh coming from her nude coloured lips.

“Do you think I’m crazy for doing it?” Her voice spoke softly in Eloise’s ear, wonder lacing the sweet sound. Eloise pulled away from the hug, sitting back in her previous position as she studied the puzzled face of the gifted individual in front of her. “I mean, packing up my entire life and shipping it across to Atlanta, Georgia wasn’t exactly how I imagined myself taking the next step.”

“You’re not crazy,” Eloise assured her, “Trust me, this is the right thing for you to do. This is the big push you needed; I can feel it.”

Although she was excited for Paige, Eloise could feel her heart sink ever so slightly at the realisation of Paige’s departure. She knew she was selfish for feeling sorry for herself due to her friend’s success, thinking about how she was being left behind, being abandoned by someone she cared about so they could go and explore a new chapter of their life meanwhile she was left in New York to live the same old shambled chapters she knew would repeat. She needed to pull herself back again. This was Paige’s happy moment, she needed to embrace it for her. Paige didn’t seem too ecstatic about it herself, so, Eloise needed to be the one to fuel the excitement for her.

“You’ll be a right o’ southern belle by the time you come back and visit,” Eloise joked, trying to find some humour in the situation, trying to bring the mood back up, trying to make Paige moving to be a positive experience, “You’re gonna be that woman who owns a big ranch-style house and starts preparing for Thanksgiving three months early.”

Paige’s wide smile couldn’t be hidden as her laugh erupted from her gut, her hand slapping her knee at her friend’s poor excuse of a joke. It was the simple, but terrible, comedy that she would miss when she moved to Atlanta. Of course, she would make new friends, she knew that, but they wouldn’t be able to replace the close ones she had made throughout her years of living in the Big Apple.

“Have you told Roman about the job?” Eloise asked, her fingers raking through her dark hair, pushing the few straggling strands back into place. She could sense by Paige’s grimace that she had told him, and it obviously didn’t go too well. “How’d he take it?”

Paige let out a slow breath, leaning back on her hands as she tilted her head back, sunglasses resting comfortably against her nose as they protected her baby blues from the harsh rays. “He’s not exactly talking to me right now, it’s like being with a moody teenager. It’s like every time I try to have a conversation with him, he just brushes it off or excuses himself and says he’s busy.” Her heart clenched at the struggle she knew she was going through with Roman, their relationship always being one of compromise and conversation. They had always been able to talk things through; it was quite something if this transition was going to be what broke them.

“Have you thought about asking him to move with you?” Eloise spoke out, cautiously as she attempted to approach the matter with care, knowing that it probably wasn’t Paige’s favourite topic of conversation, “Could he not transfer to another school for work? I imagine Atlanta has plenty of high schools across the city, it wouldn’t be difficult for him to get a job over there.” She knew Roman had always been the stubborn one out of their friends, always having a plan for himself and that being the way it had to be done, no exceptions. Maybe that’s why he was so successful in his career.

Paige shook her head, pushing herself to sit up straight, pulling her knees up so they went up against her chest, her bare arms wrapping around them. “He’s already fought enough to get his professors to place him in a school in New York so he could stay at home, he won’t want to move again. So, I think we’re just going to do long distance, I just… I also just don’t think he’s ready to commit to the big step of moving to a new city, getting a place together, or being solely independent right now. El, you know I would love for him to come with me, but I know he’s not ready for that, not yet anyway,” She sighed, her eyes sparking in the sunlight, before she could add, “Jackson actually called me last night to talk about Roman. Apparently, he called him not long after I told him about Georgia, he said he was crying about how I was leaving and how he felt as though I was running away from him but then he even admitted that he’s too afraid to commit to the move, he claimed that he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.”

“Paige, you know he loves you so much,” Eloise tried to assure her friend, “He’s smitten and it’s painful to watch if I’m honest with you. Maybe this is what he needs; for you to move and start your next chapter on your own, maybe this will the kick up the ass he needs to know that you’re his whole life and nothin’ else makes him as happy as you do.”

Paige covered her face with her hands, her palms rubbing her soft skin as she let out a quiet groan of frustration before looking up and meeting Eloise’s caring gaze. “Jackson said the same thing. He told me this is what Roman needs for him to realise if I’m what he really wants.”

“I wouldn’t have put it quite like that. Paige, y’know that he wants you and only you, it’s more that he just needs a push to realise that he’s more in love with you than what he thinks.” Blue eyes met brown yet again as a deadpanned expression spread across the blonde’s face, a look that spoke a thousand words but one that also realised that Eloise had a point. Roman was deeply in love with Paige, he just needed to realise it.

“Can we change the subject now? I didn’t think me announcing my promotion would result in mini pity party for myself,” The blonde’s voice tried to speak more clearly, more confident as if she were trying to push back her emotions about her current situation and find a distraction, “What’s been going on with you lately? I haven’t seen you properly since your birth- “

Paige was cut up the sound of a phone beeping, looking towards where Eloise’s device lay next to her, unable to help as her eyes peered over and spotted the name that rested above a notification of a text message. Eloise grabbed the phone from beside her, her eyes spotting the name and trying to stop the tickling flutter of her heart as she opened it and read the text message from Calum.

I was thinking we could do a movie night or something? I’ve got Saturday night off if you’re free - I can pick you up and we can hang out. How does that sound?

Eloise had begun writing out her reply, her fingers quickly working against the screen before Paige’s voice stopped her halfway.

“Who’s Calum?”

Eloise prayed that the redness in her face could be played off as being caused by the heat of the sun, feeling the heat radiating throughout her entire body as she glanced up at Paige’s perfectly sculpted face that stared at the nerve-struck girl. Why she was getting nervous? Sometimes Eloise forgot that there were people in her life that weren’t linked to the game of the Gypsy Kings, forgetting that some people she spent time with had good intentions, some who only saw her as Eloise and not a Gypsy King.

“Do you remember when we were at Moxi’s for my birthday, and there was a guy at the bar that Mia kept pointing out to me?” Eloise spoke as she continued to type out her response to Calum’s text message before sending, I’m not 100% sure what I’m doing on Saturday, but I’ll get back to you on that. A movie night sounds good though, do I get to pick?

She wasn’t lying. She knew there was some business that needed taking care of in regard to the protection service plan she had come up with as a method of making money within the gang. She recalled Han mentioning that he and Jay had discussed rates and he had a potential client who was interested, but what she didn’t know was when exactly any details would be put in place or confirmed. It was quite literally being played by ear, just how she hated it.

She locked her phone and placed it back down onto the ground beside where she sat, her fingers brushing against the short green grass briefly before crossing her legs and resting her nimble hands in her lap. “I ended up running into him later on that night, we got talking and next thing I know I’m in the back of cab with him, kissing him, and before I can even register where I am, we’re at his house an- “

“Hold the fucking phone!” Paige yelled out, stopping Eloise in her tracks, she leaned forward as if to hear her better, her jaw nearly hitting the floor as her eyes were as wide as bowling balls, “You mean to tell me; that you pulled a guy, who had been watching you the entire night, went back to his place and slept with him?!”

“You’re getting ahead of yourself,” Eloise let out a gentle chuckle as she shook her head, “I never slept with him. I chickened out; I couldn’t bring myself to do it. But for some reason, he still asked me to stay the night.”

“This is definitely something that could only happen to you,” Paige shook her head twice as she smiled, “So, what? You guys just cuddled and kissed throughout the night and now you’re texting?”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Eloise realised a breathy laugh, a smile resting across her face as she thought about how odd it sounded. It did sound like something almost out of movie. Very odd indeed.

“Please tell me you have a photograph of him, or you can find him online or something? I’m sorry, but I can’t believe that you, Eloise Gray, actually committed the moral sin of pulling a guy at a bar when you’ve refused point blank to do anything along those lines for years, until I see photographic evidence of this man,” Paige wiggled her fingers in a ‘give’ motion to Eloise, waiting for the photograph of the man she claimed to be talking to.

Eloise rolled her eyes as she pulled open her text thread with Calum, scrolling through the recent conversation before finding what she was looking for. Calum had sent her a picture that morning; he was taking Duke out for a walk and had snapped a quick picture of himself and the pup and sent it to Eloise with the message, Before my dog and a trail of mud ruin my shoes, pray for me please. She chuckled to herself before clicking on the photo, enlarging it on her screen before handing the device over to Paige who gasped almost instantly at the sight on the screen.

If Paige’s eyes could have rolled out of her head then they would have in that moment, her jaw once again connecting with the floor. Eloise held back the awful the joke of needing to pick it up for her. She watched as Paige’s ocean eyes dissected the photograph, obviously taking longer than necessary. It wasn’t much longer before the phone was handed back to Eloise, it being locked and returned to the ground as Paige’s expression never faltered.

“If the wind changes your face is gonna stay like that.” She spoke in joking tone, laughing breathily as she watched the maths in Paige’s head try to add up what she had just seen.

“El, listen to me, you know that I love you very much, so what I’m about to say, I mean in the nicest way possible,” Paige began, her hands gentle waving around as if to try and portray that she was figuring out her words as she went, “You’ve got to be shitting me, right! El, he is gorgeous! How did you not sleep with him?”

Eloise rolled her eyes yet again, practically slamming her head into her hands as she held back a groan mixed with a laugh, shaking her head, and letting out an overexaggerated sigh before looking back up at the blonde. “Because it would seem as though I have some self-respect,” She stated, tilting her head to side ever so slightly, raising her eyebrows.

“You need to arrange a date with him, like right now, like right this very minute,” Paige insisted, pointing at the mobile phone that lay next to Eloise’s thigh, “You’re crazy if you don’t, considering you’ve apparently been texting since you left that man with blue balls, so clearly he’s got some interest.”

“Just because we can have a conversation after I nearly slept with him, doesn’t mean I need to go on a date with him,” Eloise shrugged, knowing that she wasn’t going to win this argument that she was starting with Paige, already witnessing the frustration grow on her friend’s fair face.

“Eloise, I swear to god, if you don’t go on a date with this man, I think I might combust!”

“That’s very extreme, Paige.”

“Just go on a date with him please, if it’s awful then fine; you don’t see him again.” Paige practically begged.

“Why are you pushing so hard for me to go on a date with him? And how do you know if I haven’t already?” Eloise quirked an eyebrow, smirking at catching her friend out on her words.

“Because this is the first time that I’ve known you t- I’m sorry, what did you just say?” The blonde stopped herself midsentence, needing to make a doubletake to be sure she heard Eloise correctly, “You’ve already had a date? El, why didn’t you just say that at the beginning?!”

“Because you never asked,” Eloise smirked, laughing wholeheartedly at her friend’s stunned expression, as if it irritated her that she never caught on quicker.

One of Eloise’s favourite pastimes had to be irritating her friends in the harmless ways of catching them out with small things like this, along with teasing them about matters she knew irritated them. It never came from a place of malice, only ever full of fun.

“Well, I hope you’re about to tell me how it went,” Paige’s perfectly plucked eyebrows raised along her smooth forehead, “You’ve kept me in suspense this long, I think the least you could do is fill me in on what godforsaken acts the two of you got up to on your date.”

Eloise couldn’t help as she bit the inside of her cheek, gnawing gently on the flesh as she recalled the night that Calum and she hadn’t stopped talking since. It was if she could still feel his touch of her waist, the searing heat of his hands making imprints on her body that she couldn’t get rid of. She could still feel the light stubble of his chin scratching against her palms, neck, and shoulder as he kissed her. She hated that she remembered it so well, hating that she had to admit to herself that she enjoyed it. She wasn’t supposed to revel in the feelings he gave her. She was supposed to pretend that she did.

It was almost like the feeling ate away at her, but she enjoyed it. She liked the feeling the thought of Calum and that night gave her. It scared her nonetheless but yet she still had an inkling to feel it again. Was she losing her mind? Possibly.

She recalled to Paige about how his home was bigger than her apartment; the living alone being close to the size of both her own living room and kitchen combined. The details of how she discovered that Calum had a dog flowed from her lips, laughing as she admitted that she would have accepted his date offer a lot quicker if she had known about the dog beforehand. She got excited over the food that she found in his kitchen, explaining how he insisted they order takeout but she couldn’t stop wanting to eat some of the leftovers he had – having not had a proper homecooked meal like that in what felt was forever – and it being one of the best things she had ever tasted.

The smile on Eloise’s face only grew as she talked where he was from, how his family were living in separate parts of the world, highlighting how amazing it must be to be able to travel to those places and be reunited with his family after time apart.

“Okay, and then what happened?” Paige pushed for more, leaning forward as if she was a child at story time. She thrived off of romance stories, basking in people’s tales of first dates and romantic proposals, only fuelling her urge as the hopeless romantic that she was.

Eloise froze for a moment, sighing as she knew there was something she had forgotten to mention about Calum. She didn’t fear Paige’s reaction, knowing that she wouldn’t react like some, but she knew that with her next statement, there would only be a response of concern for Eloise. Guess she better get on with it…

“We talked about his job for bit as well,” Eloise nodded, letting out a sharp exhale before she looked over at Paige to watch her reaction to her following words, “It turns out he’s a detective in the NYPD.” Her brown eyes watched as Paige’s body stopped in place, her eyes blinking a few times before she slowly leaned back into a normal seated position, her face puzzled as she tried to muster the courage to say the words on her tongue.

“He’s a cop?” Eloise couldn’t decide whether Paige was making a statement or asking a question, her lips remaining parted as if she was going to continue, “El, a-are you sure? I mean, I know I’m not involved in the whole gang lifestyle but… El, surely this isn’t good. What if they find out? What’s going to happen?”

“You don’t need to worry about it, it’s alright,” Eloise shook her head, trying to keep her voice calm as a way of reassuring Paige’s concerned demeanour, “It’ll work itself out, I can feel it.”

“Are you that’s not just paranoia of someone shooting you for dating a cop that you’re feeling?” Paige spoke through gritted teeth, keeping her voice quiet as if it were a secret.

Eloise was thankful for friends like Paige who weren’t involved in the same affiliations as she was. She knew that Paige would be supportive of her decisions but at the same time, she would show more concern for Eloise’s wellbeing, acting as a friend rather than a member she ran with. Eloise had found that her friends like Paige and Roman had more compassion than the others within the Gypsy Kings.

“Like I said, it’ll be fine,” Eloise repeated, her voice stronger this time, trying to solidify the assurance in Paige that it would truly work out. Of course, Paige didn’t know the whole story but that’s fine. That’s the way Eloise needed to keep it.

She couldn’t help but note the shift of tension between them; nothing but worry in Paige’s eyes for her dear friend who was doing something that she couldn’t decide if she would label it as reckless or plain stupid. Eloise could see the mental fight Paige was having with herself over if she should discourage Eloise or if she should give in to her antics and allow for her friend to be happy in a romantic setting. Only Paige didn’t know the actual reason as to why she even in a romantic setting.

But it was the next question that followed that relaxed Eloise, giving her the comfort that she didn’t quite know she wanted. Or needed. She felt a makeshift weight practically lift as Paige let out an understanding breath and asked, “So, does it he look good in his uniform?”

Eloise couldn’t stop the thankful smile from creasing her lips, silently thanking Paige for trusting her words that she couldn’t even be one hundred percent trusting in herself.

“I’m still yet to see the full blues,” Eloise chuckled, “But I think they only wear those for formal police matters, if they’re attending a gathering with the commissioner or something along those lines. I’m not too clued up on how it works honestly.”

Eloise continued to talk about the date, mentioning how they found common ground of knowing people who had the same character. She missed out a few bits and pieces, dismissing Paige from having to know the full details of their discussions. Her smile returned when she thought about the turn that the date took when they were sat on the couch. She described how his eyes were darker than her own but yet somehow brighter, she swore she could see gold in them if she looked hard enough. She smiled at Paige’s small coos throughout the story, a fond smile spread across her face as she listened while Eloise reminisced about her forbidden night with the detective. She laughed as she talked about how she didn’t even hear her phone ring when she was kissing him, as if she had become deaf to all that surrounded her.

“Wait, who was calling you?” Paige asked, eyebrows furrowed as she watched Eloise look up at the sky, as if she was watching a moving picture of her night in the bright landscape.

“Scott,” Eloise scoffed, shaking her head barely before she looked over at her blonde companion of the day, “He called me because he had an emergency which he needed me to help with. Apparently, there was no one else he could call without being told to ‘get over it’.” She raised her fingers and air-quoted the words, unable to hold back the laugh at the memory.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Paige laughed out loud, a slight groan escaping as she playfully slapped Eloise’s leg a few times, “He cockblocked you!”

Eloise couldn’t hold back the giggles as they continued to erupt, shaking her head in agreement. “I felt bad for Calum a little bit. I had to apologise and tell him that my best friend was having a crisis and I needed to go and help him.”

“That poor man.” Paige said through the laughs, trying to sound of sympathetic as possible. She rubbed her face with her freehand, her cheeks beginning to ache a little from laughing, “So, what was Scott’s crisis if it was so urgent that it quite literally broke up your date?”

“Do you remember that Lydia girl that he disappeared with in Moxi’s?” Eloise asked, gaining an immediate nod in response from Paige, “Well, apparently she had turned up at my apartment demanding to speak to Scott and thought that my apartment was his. She was kicking and screaming at the door, so she phoned Scott and told him to come out and speak to her- “

“But she’s outside your apartment in Sunset Park, and doesn’t he live over in Mapleton- “

“Exactly! So, he headed over to try and stop her from breaking my door down. And when he got there, all my neighbours were standing around and asking why there was a girl outside my apartment having a meltdown, which only got worse when she saw him. And from what Scott told me about why she was upset, I don’t think he called her back after she left him a voicemail asking to see him again and she didn’t take it too well, so, she thought it would be a good idea to come and confront him in person.” Eloise struggled to hold a straight face as she recalled the words Scott had spewed out to her a few nights ago.

“So, you were called – why? Because it’s your apartment or did he actually need you to do something?” Paige questioned, looking at Eloise with perched brows as if waiting for the punchline.

“Here comes the best part; Scott asked me to escort her out of the building because he was too afraid.”

“Hold on, just wait- wait a minute… Scott was too scared to ask a girl to leave because she was crying, so he calls you, a fellow girl, to come and get rid of his problem? And yet, he can fire a gun and not flinch?” Paige asked, waving her hand around as she was piecing it together, gaining a nod from Eloise. She had summed it up perfectly. Paige’s face fell into her hands as she tried to hold in her laughter, fighting the urge to allow the entire park to hear her. Eloise joined her in the laughter, her hand coming up and wiping away the small water leaks from her eyes before she tried to catch her breath.

It took a few minutes for them to compose themselves, the harmless laughter still being shared between them as they sat again and enjoyed their time together in the park, embracing the few hours they could spend with one another before they were separated by busy schedules. Mainly Paige’s.

But unfortunately for Eloise, she was about to be brought back down to earth from her short, temporary high, Paige’s voice asking her a question she had hoped she would avoid.

“You know I hate to be a negative Nancy but, El, do you realise how bad it looks for a goddamn criminal to be dating a cop? Even you have to see how alien that is, and I hope you know what you’re doing because the last thing I want- “

“Do you wanna know something, Paige?” Eloise scoffed, her tongue poking the inside of her cheek as she took a shaky but angry breath, trying to contain her sudden frustration with her friend, “I’m not worried about it. It’s almost as if for the first time, I feel normal. When I think about him or I’m with him, I feel like a normal twenty-one-year-old. I feel like I’m your average young adult who is dating someone just as average. But now I think I actually like him and that’s what fucking scares me. I’ve never been afraid of someone holding a gun to my head, or someone coming at me with a knife, but all of a sudden, I like somebody who might even like me back, and I feel like I’m dying insi- “

Her voice cracked throughout her rushed statement, her voice and emotions taking over as she let the words spew from her mouth without even thinking about them. Did she just –

“So, you like him?” Paige’s voice piped up, looking at Eloise as she waited for an answer, “You like Calum?”

Eloise thought for a moment. The obvious answer was for her to say ‘yes’. It was the easy answer for her to give, the ploy of the Gypsy Kings sitting in the back of her mind as she thought of her answer, but also the way her heart quivered at the thought of his smile. She fought over why the answer was so easy, was it because she knew that it made the plan easier to work with? Or was it because she did? Did she really like Calum?

Her mind flooded back a few seconds to the statement she had just allowed to consume the space between her and Paige, allowing for the first time, her emotions about someone to be out in the open, for them to be said and shared with someone other than the voice in the back of her head. The realisation of her words set in, the discovery of the admission she had made sitting prominent in her mind as she looked for some sort of excuse as to why she had said it, a seed of doubt attempting to sprout as if on instinct, trying to figure out why she had just said all that. It was false, wasn’t it? She didn’t feel all those things for Calum. She barely knew him.

But if that were the case, why did she find her heartbeat picking up at the thought of telling someone she liked him? Why did she enjoy the flutter of butterflies within her stomach as she thought of him on each of those nights? Why did she try and play the psychology game, trying to believe she had somehow psyched herself into feeling this way for the sole purpose of the scheme following through?

Why couldn’t Eloise just admit to herself that what she had just said out loud was the truth?

And then she surprised herself.

“Yeah I do,”

Paige’s teeth were showing in her smile, her hand reaching out and wrapping around her dear friend as she pulled her into a hug, squeezing her gently. It shouldn’t have been such a big moment for Eloise to admit she had some form of feelings, but it was. It was a moment that Paige had never seen before; none of her friends had seen this moment before when it came to Eloise.

“I don’t know how to describe it,” Eloise’s voice began to speak, quiet and almost uncertain as if every sentence was a question, “It feels I’m going to be sick every time I see him. It feels like I can’t think straight without something about him appearing in my mind, or I see something that makes me think of him. I don’t know how to feel other than as if I’m on fire, as if someone’s dipped me in gasoline and set me alight.”

Paige’s expression was one of admiration, basking in the admission she had just witnessed, watching as Eloise discovered what it felt like to be attracted to someone in a way other than through a physical connection. It was a proud moment, one that Paige didn’t want to take away from Eloise, one that she wanted to allow the brunette to cherish for as long as she could.

“It’s like I have no control over it,” Eloise let out a breath, staring down at her hands as if they were foreign objects, things she had never seen before, “I don’t know what this means and that’s what scares me.”

And if Eloise thought she was scared of her own feelings; she truly hadn’t known what fear felt like until Paige spoke.

“You’re in love.”

It was if the air in her lungs suddenly evaporated, disappearing at the speed of light as she stared at Paige with an incredulous look on her face. She was certain she had heard wrong, refusing to the believe that word had just been spoken in regard to how she was feeling. There was no way that Eloise felt that, not with knowing what was brought along as baggage as if in a holy matrimony.

“Don’t be stupid, Paige, I’m not. I said I liked the guy, that doesn’t mean that I’m in lo- “

She couldn’t even bring herself to say the word, the word itself brought an uncomfortable queasy sensation to her stomach. And not the one she felt previously and guiltily enjoyed when she thought of the Australian officer. She shook her head at the thought, refusing point blank to even consider such a word for a man she had only technically been on one date with.

“You know I’m right.” She smirked, nudging Eloise’s t-shirt clad shoulder. Eloise reached to the ground, finding the sleeve of her leather jacket she was sitting on, allowing her fingers to fiddle with the material and roll up the sleeve, as if it were an attempt to briefly distract herself from the words of Paige Romanoff.

“I know you’re ridiculous.” Eloise countered, sighing as she dropped her jacket sleeve and picked up her phone, unlocking it to find the picture of Calum still on her screen from when her phone was last open. She took a deep breath as she returned to the text thread, letting her fingers work as she tried to piece together a sentence to send to him, her body rushing ahead before her mind had a chance to take a moment and realise what she was doing. Before she could think about her actions, she had pressed send.

It looks like I’m free on Saturday. I’ll get the train into Queens and meet you at your place just after 6 if that works for you. Guess I’ll see you then.

“That better be you arranging another date,” Paige’s eyebrows wiggled at the phone, smirking at Eloise’s subtle concentration as she wrote out the text before she locked her phone and put it away.

Eloise half-rolled her eyes at the blonde’s comment, shaking her head lightly before her lips pursed and she found herself asking, “Why does the word ‘date’ suddenly sound so dirty coming from you?”

“Because you know that it’s more than that,” Paige teased, her shoulders rising as she rubbed her hands together, “You’re finally letting your heart make decisions for you, and for the first time in your life, it looks like you can trust it.”

“If I can trust my heart, then why do I feel like it’s only going to betray me and let me drown when it all goes wrong?”

Paige couldn’t handle her frustration, her hand raising in the air for a second before lowering back down as she composed herself, “I swear, El, I am this close to hitting you one day,” She showed her index finger and thumb mere millimetres apart, “I don’t think you realise how afraid you are sometimes. You’re so scared of letting yourself be happy that you talk yourself into seeing people as only being something that will hurt you, and before they even have a chance to prove you wrong, you push them away. And maybe for the first time in the time that I’ve known you, Eloise, you may just be starting to let your guard down a little. This is a good thing.”

“So basically, what you’re saying is I self-sabotage?” Her cocoa-coloured eyes squinted a little at Paige as if trying to force the admission out of her, her chapped lips rolling into her mouth.

“What I’m saying, El, is that you’re so scared of letting people see the real you that you block them out before they have a chance. And it’s about time people got to see you for who you really are. Because believe it or not, but you’re pretty fucking fantastic. Let them see you for once.”

Paige’s words struck a chord within Eloise that she didn’t see coming. The string of words resonated with the scared young woman who sat opposite her blonde friend. Maybe Paige was right? Maybe it was all just because she was scared? Maybe people did have good intentions, but Eloise was too blinded by her fear of being hurt that she eliminated all possibilities; good and bad. She was too afraid to be loved and abandoned that she banished all the chances of feeling that again.

Maybe it was time that changed.

*****

22 Days Left

It was colder than usual for New York, especially in August. The gentle breeze drifting through the city only adding the chill Eloise tried to protect herself from, a maroon hoodie being worn beneath her jacket as an extra layer. Her back was resting against a brick wall behind her, her left foot perched up on it also as she stood opposite the familiar face of Han, the only light source coming from the unstable neon sign above them and the gentle amber glow that flowed from the windows of the bar they stood outside. The pink light giving a rosy tinge to their skin tones, making them seem almost as if they were shadows in the alley without it.

Eloise stood with one hand in her jacket pocket, her phone in the other as she mindlessly swiped through Twitter, her eyes only skimming the brief paragraphs of words that people spilled on the bird-themed app.

It was late. It was very late. Eloise spotted the clock at the top of her phone screen, sighing as she thought about how this had become a normal sociable hour for the likes of her. It was coming close to one in the morning, the dark sky canvasing the city as it remained lit with the help of streetlamps, although many of them were broken and would only let out a flicker of a golden light every so often. The alley was practically silent around them, the only sound being the rare car that passed along the road on the other side of red building.

Well it would have been silent if Han didn’t make his voice known, disturbing Eloise from her peaceful interaction with her mobile phone.

“Jay’ll be out soon and then we can get going, this is the last stop for the night,” Han rested a hand on the back of his head, attempting to secure the grey beanie he wore that had begun to slip, “Mooney just needs to pay up and then- “

“What’s Mooney even paying for? He’s a businessman - a successful one at that - what business does he have with Jay that makes him drag us out in the middle of the night?” Eloise sighed, exasperated as she slid her phone back into her pocket, as she looked at the face which she knew all too well.

“Mooney needed a job done a while back, and Jay offered to do it for a good price. It’s been three months since Mooney’s problem was taken care of and Jay still hasn’t seen a penny, so he wanted to call in and at least get a down payment on what he’s owed.”

Eloise raised her eyebrows knowingly, her tongue pushing against her bottom lip before speaking. “And by ‘down payment’ you mean he’s going to take exactly what’s owed. I know as well as you do, Han, Jay doesn’t do things by halves. But why are we here, last time I checked, Jay can handle himself, can’t he?”

“He just wanted some backup in case things got rowdy and they didn’t want to pay up. Think of it as a way of stopping Mooney from doing something stupid.” Han dropped his head a little, eyes meeting Eloise’s brown ones as he let the right corner of his mouth quip up.

It wasn’t Mooney who they needed to worry about doing something stupid. Eloise knew that, and so did Han although he didn’t want to admit it. Jay always tended to get ahead of himself in situations like this.

Eloise let herself focus on the faint sound of chatter and music she could hear from a few buildings over, smiling briefly at the thought of the club that had recently opened on the street behind Mooney’s; the new attraction being at the very end of the road but yet the music was so loud she could still hear it. She recognised the song, tapping her foot along to the beat in the hope of making time pass by quicker if she lost herself in the music.

A presence was felt next to her, a warm shoulder nudging against her own before her eyes met Han’s cold ones yet again. He had shifted to stand beside her, his back resting against the same wall as he searched his pocket for the very thing that Eloise rolled her eyes at the sight of. “You know if this gang doesn’t kill you then those definitely will.” She scoffed, sighing as she watched Han pluck a white cigarette from the tattered box, his other hand holding his lighter.

It was a habit she never understood, one that she never got into. She didn’t hate smoking; it just wasn’t her thing. She watched as the amber light sparked from the tip of the lighter, the end of the cigarette sizzling softy against the flame before Han took his first drag of the sin, holding his inhale for a few seconds and basking in the gentle burn the filled his lungs before the grey smoke escaped his lips in a long exhale, “I think I’ll take my chances.”

Eloise shook her head, rolling her eyes as she watched the man who she had grown up with smoke what she assumed to be his hundredth cigarette that day. Okay, maybe not his hundredth but at least double digits.

“You haven’t said much about the plan in the past few days, since I rumbled you about your little escapade you’ve been practically void,” Han gently coughed as he held the cigarette between his index and middle finger, his spare hand resting by his side, “Care to give me an update on our little cop friend and you? How far along we are?”

Eloise fought against her natural instinct to freeze, focusing to keep her body as casual as possible, to control her heartbeat, breathe, as well to try and prevent her voice from shaking nor cracking. Why did she have to so much work into trying to sound convincing? Oh yeah – she admitted that she may or not actually like the man who’s she’s supposed to be pretending to like. Something that almost felt as if it was a mild form of Stockholm Syndrome, but instead she was beginning to feel a warmth inside of her for the man she was supposedly lying to, the man she was setting up, the one who she was betraying. She hated that she felt guilty about it: for both Calum and the Kings. They were all she had ever really known, they had taken her in and protected her when she was at her worst, Han specifically, taking her in an older brother and making sure she was cared for.

Eloise couldn’t help but feel as though she was throwing everything that he had done for her right back in his face, all because she let her heart get in the way. But at the same time, she couldn’t bring herself to agree to throwing Calum out of the plane without a parachute, something inside of her didn’t want to hang him out to dry.

The brunette worked to keep her expression stale as she responded to Han, “As good as we can hope. I’ve been working my way into him bit by bit, now I just need to figure out who I slip in that I’m a one of us and pray that he doesn’t arrest me on the spot. This is hard bit, Han. If he reacts how most cops would, then this whole plan goes up in smoke.”

“Then don’t let him react like most cops,” Han responded with ease, “Tell me who you are. Lie to him more, tell him you want out and you need his help to do that. El, if I’m being honest, it doesn’t seem like it’s the hardest thing you need to do. Just tell a few lies, what harm is it doing?”

A lot is what she wanted to say but she bit her tongue. “Fine. Let’s see how long it takes for him to shoot me once I reveal the news.”

“Don’t be overdram- “

Han’s words were cut short by the sound of a gunshot echoing from inside the bar. Heavy footsteps carried Eloise and Han inside through the back of the bar, bursting through the stockroom door that connected into the main common area. The sight that greeted them was one that neither expected to see that night. Well, they had hoped not to.

Eloise’s shocked eyes were drawn to the floor, witnessing the aftermath of the explosive gunshot she had heard when she was outside. A young boy was lying on the wooden floor of the bar, a seeping bloody wound in his chest as he gasped for air, his hands sprawled against the floor as if the shot had paralysed him. His blond hair stuck to his sweat-covered forehead, his chest shaking as he tried to breathe through what Eloise could only imagine was a horrendous pain. He didn’t look old enough to be involved in whatever business Jay was conducting inside the bar, he was so young. She saw the small scattering of acne scarring on his cheeks, god he was only a kid. He must’ve been sixteen, barely, and yet he was lying there on the bloody floor fighting for his life.

She could see Mooney stood by the bar, his eyes shining as tears flowed and he reached out as if to try and touch the boy though the distance between them didn’t allow him to do so. A million emotions were encrypted on the man’s face: fear, sadness, desperation, and anger were the prominent few. It was if someone flicked a switch in her head that allowed her to create the link between the shaking body on the floor and the man across the bar; it was Mooney’s son.

Thoughts were rushing through Eloise’s mind at a million miles an hour, her hands shaking ever so slightly as she tried to figure out what happened. Her eyes met the tall body of Jay as he stood against the pool table in the centre of the room, wiping his hands on what she presumed to be a tea towel, her eyes meeting his briefly before his green connected with Han as he tossed the towel in his direction. Han caught it as if it were second nature, his fingers grasping the contaminated cloth as he stared at his friend in shock.

There were so many questions floating in the air that she wanted to ask, although clarification of what had happened wasn’t necessary, but she still found herself needing to hear it to believe it. Like the teenager on the floor who was grasping onto his life wasn’t enough of an indication of exactly what had unfolded.

“Jay, what – “

“He came out of nowhere, started waving a gun around and making threats,” Jay excused, a natural uncaring shrug rolling off his shoulders, “He was going on about how he was going to kill me if I didn’t get out. So, I taught him a lesson in why you don’t make empty threats to a Gypsy King.”

The way the excuse rolled off of his tongue just emphasised the snake that he was. A sick twisted creature who would do whatever it took to get what he wanted, without a care or second thought for those who stood in his way. His words stung Eloise’s ears as he spoke, each one laced with poison as he shrugged off a murder as if the victim was a used tissue.

The lack of a weapon next to the body only proved Jay’s lie, having no indication that the boy had raised a weapon. He probably didn’t even know how to use a gun.

“You murdered my son!” A voice cried out, the eyes in the room falling on the broken man who knelt by the bar, his face soaked from tears as his body shook in grief, “You killed my boy!”

The sound of Jay’s heavy footsteps echoed throughout the empty bar, his face being mere inches from the older man as he lowered to his level, raising a warning finger to the man known as Mooney, before he spoke in a quiet yet aggressive voice, “And you’ll be next if I don’t get my money. You’ve got three days and I’ll back. If I don’t see every single penny on that bar top by the time I come back then his life won’t be the only one lost in this bar, so take this as a warning.”

He was cold towards the grieving man, having no sorrow for what he had just taken from him. Eloise didn’t even register his hard shoulder pushing past hers as he shoved past Han and her, looking towards Han as he spoke quietly, “Clean up the mess before the cops get here.”

The fact that he discarded the boy as a ‘mess’ allowed Jay’s lack of empathy to shine through. The hollowness of his heart could be felt by everyone as he left the bar, the door slamming behind him as he abandoned the crime scene he had just created. This wasn’t right.

Eloise followed Han’s figure as he ran out of the bar behind Jay, keeping hot on his tail, as he let his voice yell out in frustration. She noticed how Mooney’s eyes never left his son’s body, the shaking of his chest matching the young boy’s as they both took what felt like their last breaths. Something that she couldn���t bring herself watch any longer, making her exit from the bar. She wanted to apologise to Mooney, to apologise to his son. But she couldn’t, she knew she wouldn’t be able to find the strength nor the words that he needed to hear. She doubted that Mooney himself even knew what those words were. The only thing she did know is that he would want Jay to pay for what he did.

“What the fuck happened in there?” Han was at the point of destruction, outraged and hot at the actions of his companion, “Jay, what fuckin’ happened?”

Jay let out an unbothered huff, finding his car keys in his pocket before making his way down the alley towards where his car was hidden away. He was walking away from his own mess that he created. He always walked away. “He had it comin’.”

That wasn’t the right thing to say. It only fuelled Han’s disbelief of what had erupted moments ago, his anger being released at full throttle as he out cried, “He was a kid, Jay. He was a fuckin’ kid, and you shot- You fuckin’ shot him as a warnin’!”

Eloise stood witness to Han’s anger unfolding, watching as how with each passing second, the events began to trouble him more and more; the consequences of Jay’s actions playing prominent in his mind as he shouted. She noted Jay’s face remained cold, unphased and stern as he watched Han’s emotions get the better of him for a brief few minutes. She couldn’t ignore the growing concern in her stomach, her eyes looking around at the dark alley, knowing it wouldn’t be long before the yelling match would be heard by a stranger passing by in the night resulting in an unwanted visit from the cops if the two men in front of her continued as they seemed fit.

The unbothered manner of which Jay handled Han’s accusations, the meaningless shrugs and rolls of his eyes only reminded her that this wasn’t the first time this kind of thing had happened. But never before, had he shot a kid. He used people as warnings all the time to get what he wanted, used rivals’ loved ones as persuasion tactics, playing with their life in order to gain control and power over a situation. He called everyone else around him soft, talking about them as if they were sand which crumbled and dissipated at the touch of someone’s hand. She could remember him yelling about how it’s people like him who have the drive to better their position in the world, to climb up the food chain to get to the top. She knew he wasn’t right; she knew he was truly the broken one in the Gypsy Kings. He was the one who had lost all control, never knowing when enough was enough.

It was Jay’s loud roar that caused Eloise to jump, her body not ready for the loud volume that erupted from him. Her eyes watched his as they stared into Han’s, a warning finger, much like the one he had at Mooney before, was raised in Han’s face as he spat out, “You’re gonna back off if you know what’s good for you. You’re going to go back inside that bar and clean up like I told you or else there’s gonna be a second body needin’ disposed of tonight, got it?”

Eloise couldn’t see Han’s face, but she could tell from the tense muscles in his shoulders that he was furious, a bitter, “Fine” being heard in the quiet of the night.

Jay took this as his queue to leave, slipping into his dark car, matching his heart, before he sped off down the streets of downtown Brooklyn, leaving Han and Eloise to face the music of the destruction he left in his path. It took a few minutes for Han to move, the towel still in his hands as he turned around and began to make his way back inside the bar, as if what Eloise had just witnessed never happened.

“What’re we supposed to do now?” Eloise’s quiet voice sounded louder in the dark of the night, her hands being tossed into her pockets as she tilted her head, waiting for a response from Han, the anger still visible on his face.

“We continue as normal,” He returned, scrunching the cloth in his left hand, “Nothing’s changed so we keep going.”

Eloise couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She had stood aside and watched Han lose his mind over the death of a boy and now he was saying they do nothing. This wasn’t the Han she knew. As much as Han was a stickler for the rules, she knew he couldn’t stand by and let this go.

“So, you’re just going to let this slide? Han, he’s getting out of hand and you know it. He’s taking things too far and he’s out of control… We’ve lost too many people on his watch and the city have lost too many at his hand. How many more innocent people have to die for you to realise that he’s out of his depth, as are you?” Eloise fought against the crack in her voice as she thought about the innocent life that was lost that night, trying to prevent herself from acting as though she had been the one to lose someone like the man inside the bar who would be grieving over a son.

“What else am I supposed to do, huh El? What choice do I have?” As much as she fought her own voice cracking under the pressure, she noted how Han didn’t fight his as he asked her the painful question. She knew it conflicted him, put him in a position that he didn’t like.

“We have rules for a reason, Han, and you kn- “

“Do you not think I fucking know that, El?! He has started a war that he doesn’t even know is coming. He’s just given every other gang in this entire city a reason to come after him once and for all, and they’ll be coming after us as well. He’ll get what’s coming to him, and he’ll finally pay for not playing by the rules.” Han let out a defeated groan, his hand ripping the beanie from his head as he threw it to the floor. “We’ll all be the ones paying for his actions.”

“And that’s what you want? You’re happy for us to stand back and let the others come and tear us all apart piece by piece all because Jay decided to go rogue. But until then, we’re supposed to just sit around like nothing has happened and wait for someone to decide that enough is enough. How long is that going to be?” Eloise rolled her eyes, unable to stop her voice getting louder as the anger inside her stomach bubbled, “It’s not good enough, Han.”

Angry was an understatement to the feeling that was shared between Eloise and Han. There wasn’t a word to describe the rage inside of them to its true extent. Eloise’s was mixed with sadness, sympathy lacing her voice as she thought about the grieving family who would never share a smile together with their son. She was getting too emotionally attached to those who were tied up with the Gypsy Kings; she knew that. She had known that since that night with Calum. Her emotions were going to be what destroyed her.

“I can’t just stand aside this time and wait for someone to come and kill me all because of his stupid mistake. I know what’s it’s like to lose everything to a stupid gan- “ She stopped herself, trying to hold her emotions together as her vision blurred with the salty tears, “I know what it’s like to lose someone and to never get the closure of knowing that those who did it paid for their actions. That family deserve that, it’s the least they deserve after tonight.”

“And that’s exactly what they’ll get if you just have patience. El, we still need to look out for ourselves. We’ve got just over three weeks until that shipment comes in, we’ve still got time to get through this and then we can run. We can take the money and get out of New York, we can leave Jay to his own devices and let him suffer the consequences. We just need to hold on, just until the deal is done.” Han looked desperate, as if searching Eloise’s eyes for some sort of answer to a question he didn’t know he was asking. Eloise could hear the struggle in his voice, she could see the tiredness in his eyes as he pained at the way she looked at him. It was as if he were stranger, someone she couldn’t recognise anymore; someone who was willing to play blind to death when they knew better. “Just please be patient, and we’ll work this out.”

The word sounded bitter to her, the thought of it against her tongue leaving a sour taste. Patience. How was she supposed to stand back and be patient when she knew a young boy wouldn’t graduate high school and go off to college? How was she supposed to be patient when she knew a family would be planning a funeral that they never should’ve needed to? How was she supposed to be patient when she would stand opposite the man who took an innocent life and act as though it was nothing? She couldn’t grasp how that was expected of her. She had witnessed an innocent’s death before, but this time it was different. It was never a child. Never.

Her eyes fell to her boots as she scuffed them along the ground, taking a shaky breath as she tried to compose herself, tried to withhold her emotions as Han called out her name. She painfully allowed for her brown eyes to meet his broken ones, expression stoic as she nibbled at the skin on the inside of her lip, unable to trust herself to make a verbal response to his call.

“Let’s get this over with, I’ll do the dirty work. You need to talk to Mooney.” Han’s voice sounded disappointed as they made their way back inside of the bar.

The body still lay there in position, shirt stained with the crimson as an older man lay over the body, shaking violently as he sobbed. The pain in her heart was excruciating as she watched, her eyes falling to Han as he kneeled next to the body and attempted to remove a crying father from his deceased son; a sight that she knew she would never be able to unsee. It felt like déjà vu, something that had happened before, but this time it was different. The memory bringing a tear to her eye and letting it fall down her supple cheek, her hand quickly wiping it away as she composed herself the best she could.

“Sal,” Her shaky voice whispered, her body moving along the floor before she kneeled next to the crying bar owner, knowing she had to play her part in this process. But this time not for the sake of the gang, this time for the sake of the grieving father, “You need to let him go, come on…”

The yell of the man by her side would never leave her, the outcry full of pain and desperation as the call out of his son’s name echoed in her ears for what she felt like forever. How was she supposed to just brush this off?

It was as if things finally began to make sense. Every sense of emotion she had been learnt to feel again since that night overwhelmed her. Her ignorance she had played on so often was non-existent as she felt nothing but sorrow, sympathy and pain for the boy who had died that night. She couldn’t help but feel as though she had a purpose, the urge of justice now coursing through her body as she held the crying man in her arms and tried to comfort him, offering him a shoulder to cry on as Han lifted the limp body and removed it from the bar.

Jay had been out of control for too long. The years of destruction and rage he endorsed on the city of New York were now breaking barriers and were impacting the gang in the complete opposite way of how they thought. It was going bad, really bad. Han’s reminder of how the city would come after Jay as a consequence played on Eloise’s mind, but she knew she couldn’t wait for that. She couldn’t play along with the Gypsy Kings’ game until that day came. She had sat back for too long and allowed for the people around her to decide her fate, to control what she did and how she lived her life to some degree.

It was about time she changed that. It was about time she took control and did something right.

Of course, she knew the consequences of her actions, knowing that if she followed through then it would mean everything she knew would be gone. She would be betraying her family, betraying her best friend, and betraying herself.

And she was more than willing to accept that. She couldn’t stand in the shadows any longer. It was time to change. It was time to end it all. It was time to make her real family proud.

--- 

Tag List: @steviemae​ @elsysoza​ 

[ofcloudsandstars]

Celestial Forecast

Week 17-23

Happy Pisces Season! 🐟✨This week will bring some exciting shifts before we end on the new moon's final cycle in Pisces! It will start off with Mercury retrograding in Pisces which will create a time of mental rest and exploration while some helpful lunar transits will help us to clear house and help break up old or outdated routines to try new things.

Some overall advice this week: Do not be afraid to try new things and experiment in areas that you were always drawn to but always gave excuses as to why you felt you couldn't explore them before. With the retrograde it's not a time to start new things but it gives a safe window for you to explore and experiment with new stuff noncommittally.

Some additional notes: I've decided to add in the details for lunar transits so the ☽ next to a transit signifies that. Lunar transits are brief but they add additional flavors to the 'mood' of the day so I find it important to add them in (also us witches follow the moon so it's important). Also I write for a witch community in London so the time is set to UTC and the week starts from Monday and ends on Sundays. 

17th

Mercury Retrograde in Pisces

☽ Moon in Sagittarius square Mercury in Pisces ☽ Moon in Sagittarius square Neptune in Pisces

Energy: Today is the beginning of Mercury's retrograde period. With mercury moving reverse in Pisces we can feel like illusions hidden in our reality will pop out and escaping through our normal means would not work as well at the moment. The moon in Sagittarius might still give a overall mood of optimism but today it will square both mercury and then Neptune in Pisces creating moments of confusion between one's thoughts and feelings, or one's emotions overpowering their logical minds and strange experiences that will leave you questioning reality. With the mixture of the optimistic Sagittarius moon and it's square with Neptune we may find that we are deluding ourselves or being deceived by others in effort to keep positive. It'll also be easy to over indulge and escape reality through substance abuse. The energy of this day could be used healthily by escaping reality safely such as taking an extra nap, watching films, or partaking in anything to satisfy your imagination. However with mercury retrograding in Pisces it's best to also look at tasks you may have been putting off or aim to face hard truths in your life so that you can learn the lessons quickly and find ways to resolve them. Taking too much time to avoid issues by escaping today may result in problems snowballing later.  

Recommendations: Shadow work babey! It's mercury retrograde. (Do some divination on what you might have been lying to yourself about and how to face those tasks or what inner issues may be blocking you). Meditation, rest

________________

18th

Sun enters Pisces ☀️🐟

VOC 9:03-10:36AM Moon enters Capricorn

☽ Moon trines Uranus in Taurus ☽ Moon conjunct Mars in Capricorn

Energy: It's Pisces season!! Time for dreaminess, deep sadness, lots of rain, strange astral plane adventures when you were just trying to take a nap, and unasked for empath-transmitted feelings. When the sun is in Pisces we are guided by altruistic feelings and we tend to get lost in our imaginations. However with mercury retrograding in Pisces for some weeks, this combo might bring up some less favorable aspects of Pisces season such as deep sadness and feeling victimized by life and elusiveness. The moon today will be in Capricorn which is a great day to organizing life and getting shit together. Use this energy to dive deep into your subconscious and clean house (moon is waning now so it's a great time to cleanse, shed and banish physically, emotionally or spiritually) or at least distract yourself from whatever nightmares are hiding deep down there by cleaning your whole room!! (Yes we are responsible adults what do you mean 'problems we may be avoiding?' I've ironed my bed-sheets!) I know some people adverse to like.. getting stuff done will probably read this day's energy vibe and be like: what is she talking about? But the moon is going to conjunct Mars in Capricorn, so you WILL have the energy and drive to karate-chop tasks off your list today. The moon is also trining Uranus so if you do want to make changes to your room or home this transit will favor it. Additionally this energy will urge you to want to make changes to your routine so if you do decide to take this motivating energy to make a change in life (and not delude yourself by ironing your bed-sheets) then you will be in favor to initiate change!

Recommendations: What have you been putting off forever? Do it. Make it magical by wearing hematite or drinking some intentions-made coffee or tea.

________________

19th

☽ Moon in Capricorn square Venus in Aries ☽ Moon in Capricorn conjunct Jupiter in Capricorn

Energy: With the moon still transiting ambitious Capricorn you will feel the power to get things done. Finish what is not finished (just don't start anything new with mercury retrograding). The moon will be making two interesting transits today which are the square it will make with Venus in Aries and conjunction with Jupiter in Capricorn. The two combinations will make today a wonderful day to socialize, be generous and will surge a need for love and affection. Luck is on your side today to tackle long standing obstacles and you will get support from loved ones. However with the square of course energy can go the other way meaning if you are alone or in an unhappy relation you could potentially feel sad and lonely on this day. (Even happier relationships could potentially undergo some uncomfortable moments but you can make up for it through acts of love or trying to please your partner).

Recommendations: brewing teas or coffees for energy and ambition (with the intention to get tasks done). Money spells, self love magic, alluring glamours (to get extra attention if you are feeling lonely and needy).

________________

20th

Jupiter in Capricorn sextiles Neptune in Pisces

☽ Juno rx in Libra square Moon in Capricorn ☽ Moon in Capricorn conjuncts Pluto in Capricorn  ☽ Moon sextiles Sedna in Taurus  ☽ Moon conjunct Saturn in Capricorn

☽ VOC 2:18-7:41PM ☽ Moon enters Aquarius

Energy: Today may feel a bit heavy but is promising as it helps to bring some awareness or enlightenment to anything that may be plaguing you (especially in the realm of romance or self worth). A major transit that will peak today will be Jupiter in Capricorn sextiling Neptune in Pisces. It will bring good energy, harmony and expansion to spiritual awareness or even enlightenment. This will be amplified by the moon in Capricorn conjunct Pluto which can bring up deep feelings hidden in the subconscious that may make you confront your shadows before you can gain the next level of awareness. To add to these flavors you also have Juno retrograding in Libra which will square the moon in Capricorn in addition to the moon conjunct Saturn in Capricorn which will all bring up very heavy and bitter feelings towards relationships not fulfilling our needs of affection or extreme loneliness. Finally the moon will sextile Sedna in Taurus which could be a beneficial connection to find the light in the dark of the situation. Though the other lunar transits will call for emotional maturity, the confrontation of our shadows, and caring for ourselves instead of seeking it in a partner, this sextile with Sedna along with Jupiter sextile Neptune could bring moments of enlightenment and finding ways to create something positive in our personal dark depths.

The moon will be void of course for most of the day so any spells you wish to send out should wait until the moon enters Aquarius which will bring a mood of improvement or need of change which could help change the pace if we are seeking ways to improve our behavior.

Recommendations: Shadow Work again but with more effort this time. Self-therapy exercises such as free-writing (free stream of consciousness writing), self care/self love magic, bath magic

________________

21st

Mars in Capricorn trines Uranus in Taurus

☽ Moon squares Uranus in Taurus ☽ Moon conjunct Ceres in Aquarius

Energy: Uranus the planet of surprises and changes is going to be making a few exciting cameos today in the realm of aspects. With Mars trining Uranus, we may get a huge drive to start new things (please don't) and with the moon squaring Uranus we will feel the pressure to seek out anything exciting. The two aspects together can create a drive for new experiences (which is ok with mercury retrograde as long as you are just exploring and not making any long term commitments), and also strong sexual drive and emotional impulsiveness. Finding a hook up today should come easy and you might suddenly find someone new that will catch your eye or an exciting infatuation but if you are in a relationship then try to channel this mars energy towards an ongoing project cause with the moon squaring Uranus, emotional outbursts and rapid mood swings especially with close ones could blow up today and drama could easily escalate.

With the moon conjunct Ceres in Aquarius we may feel the need to cater to ourselves or loved ones and would probably find emotional satisfaction in volunteering for the community or helping a friend. (Who knows if you are single you could probably find a hottie volunteering with you and that Mars trining Uranus could be pretty beneficial). Self-care or self fulfillment might arise in strange or surprising ways today (especially with the moon squaring Uranus). Treat yourself to something new like a new restaurant, dish, movie, or activity today. If you are low on money try a new hobby you've always wanted to check out. With mercury in retrograde its a good time to experiment, so even if you get that 'I can't start any new projects cause I have anxiety that it won't come out perfect' it doesn't matter cause you shouldn't be aiming to finish anything fool!! It's mercury retrograde!! Just bust open those watercolors you've been wanting to use forever and chill the fuck out!!

Recommendations: sex magic to attract opportunities, brewing coffees and teas with intention to get work done, protection magic, trying something new, doing blessings for friends and loved ones.

________________

22nd

Sun in Pisces sextiles Uranus in Taurus

☽ Juno rx in Libra sextiles Moon in Aquarius ☽ Moon conjunct Eros in Aquarius  ☽ Moon squares Sedna in Taurus

☽ VOC 4:08am-6:37am

Energy: The energy of yesterday can carry on to today but be amplified as the Sun in Pisces gets in the mix with the Uranian energies pushing new opportunities and excitement. The Sun will sextile Uranus in Taurus bringing pleasant surprises and stimulating encounters. Everything from creativity, socializing and discovering new things will be in focus today. Today may be awful to sticking to routines and will bring a lot of distractions but on the bright side with new experimentation can bring new routines and easier ways to doing things.

The lunar transits will add to this with the Moon conjunct the sexual asteroid Eros in Aquarius which will bring an intense emotional need to fulfill our passions and desires. New hook ups could seem appealing, new sexual explorations could be rewarding. With Juno rx in Libra sextiling the Moon in Aquarius we could feel longing to connect with someone who could bring these desires to reality OR with mercury retrograde we may feel the need to contact our ex lovers and re-unite (maybe don't.) To add to this Uranian dynamic of the day bringing surprises, new experiences and amplifying our passionate desires, the moon will square Sedna creating tension to find ways to manifest these desires to light. If this energy is ignored it may create tension where we will feel bitter and neglected or victimized by life (adding to another day in the string of us feeling lonely and that no one wants us to have exciting Eros in Aquarius sex with) but fear not as the life-giving energy of Sedna could be used in a way to channel this intense passionate emotional energy into art or projects. If projects aren't cutting it you can get it out through venting online. However the major solar transit flowing harmoniously with Uranus could bring about many exciting distractions that could help deter you from feeling low or calling your ex. (Who knows maybe you won't need an ex if you meet the hottie with the transits yesterday.)

Recommendations: Avoid manifestations since the moon is void of coursing for a chunk of the day. Use the time to reflect and focus on art or mental exploration. If you still crave some magical activities then consider making new magical tools or exploring a new aspect of your craft. Trying new things will be beneficial today. It will also be nice to start new things as the new moon is tomorrow so it could flavor the next lunar cycle.

________________

23rd

New Moon in Pisces

☽ Moon conjunct Mercury rx in Pisces ☽ Moon conjunct Neptune in Pisces

Jupiter in Capricorn squares Venus in Aries

Energy: This New Moon may bring some MESSY FEELINGS about. As if a Moon transiting Pisces wasn't enough, the new moon amplifying energy will cross over Mercury's retrograde and the ruler of Pisces, Neptune. In addition to all this Jupiter in Capricorn is going to square Venus in impulsive Aries. This hot mess sadness sandwich will bring a day of our ugly truths (usually being hidden by shimmery illusions to cope, now ripped off like a blistering band-aid mark thanks to Mercury rx) coming out to flaunt itself like a street flasher busting open his trench coat. With the moon conjunct Neptune along with Venus squaring Jupiter today will be the PRIME day where we will feel the deep urge to drown ourselves in over indulgence or escape. Escaping might not be as easy with the mercurial retrograde and you could even get consequences with overspending with the Venus x Jupiter square. In addition you should absolutely apply some self psychic-protection as the lunar transit conjunct Neptune will bring a huge sense of empath and psychic abilities which could be overwhelming and confusing.

To use the energy of today positively you should make the commitment to confront what has been bothering you or the truths you have been ignoring and make a plan this lunar cycle to act on it. New moon in Pisces allows us to accept imperfections in ourselves and take a leap of faith in something we have always believed in but were too afraid to put our trust in. Look deep within yourself to the dreams you have been neglecting or ignoring and act on them. That's what mercury might try to bring to the surface.

Recommendations: Vision boards! Art based magic, protection magic, affirmations to go after your dreams, purging/release by crying, making charm bags to help succeed in achieving our goals.

[neocityfics]

2096: Zodiac

Chapter: Prologue < ❝  Chapter 1 ❞  > Chapter 2

➥ Chapter List

Genre: Cyberpunk inspired, mafia-esque, not-so dystopian, angst, slow-burn

Pairing: Doctor! Taeyong x Reader

Warnings: Moderate cursing, mention of death, vague description of surgical practice, being held at gunpoint

▶ Ambience

Pearl Park is packed with patients. Rarely do I take weekend shifts or visit on Saturdays, but a certain someone left early for additional hours at the clinic. I couldn’t help but follow him especially after yesterday’s events. The thoughts would not let go, an unpleasant growth at the back of my mind. It’s hard to know if I can trust him right now. I need more answers. Last night, he barely gave details, only rambling about how he had to wake up at ungodly hours for today. As difficult as it was, I urged him to go to bed to leave him alone. My own state of being was, and still is, disturbed by what I saw. The intricate design of circuit lines running down in strategic pathways down his arm, the broken-up metallic plates that replaced muscle, the seamless transition from a human shoulder to a mechanical limb, fingers cold to the touch. Something out of The Terminator movies.

There’s something odd about making myself wake early to get ready and coming after Lucas. Saturdays are for sleeping in, I always say to myself, a day to rest. Nevertheless, here I am slowly trailing behind him as he steers through the countless turns on the way to work. His thin light blue scrub stood out against the brown puffy jacket, making it easy to keep my distance without losing track of him. The pit began to form in stomach again. Please, let the destination be Pearl Park, nowhere bizarre. Whoever did whatever to his arm must have a reason to pick on Lucas. Granted he’s very strong and healthy, he’s the perfect candidate... for what? To become a government experiment? No, hopefully not. The top couldn’t give a damn about us, but when it comes to picking on the less fortunate to go farther with their lives in luxuries and power, they do so in under a heartbeat. If they have hearts, that is. It doesn’t make sense though, why would they want to make cyborgs? Or what if some random person just wanted to try their hand in robotics. Some grand experiment in trying to take over the world? Maybe I’ve watched too many sci-fi movies. The endless possibilities thoroughly occupied my head-- but that train of thought comes to a halt when I bump into the clinic’s entrance. Pressing a hand to my forehead and the other hand on the door handle, I steady myself. I’m already here?

Spotting the familiar scrub rounding the corner, I come close behind only to see Dr. Lee shoot a glare at Lucas. “You’re late,” the doctor’s voice raises sternly, “I expect better next time. We have important things to do later.” Later? My shoulders tense. It must mean he won’t join me for dinner with Sicheng. I wonder what kind of work Dr. Lee means. The doctor in question beckoned Lucas, in the middle of removing his coat, towards a darkened room meant for surgery. I sometimes clean equipment in that room, so it doesn’t make sense to meet in there when the clinic has designated meeting rooms. The two men walk inside and the door closes shut, and I stand there baffled. Hoping I could get by without looking suspicious, my feet slowly move closer to the room. All staff members seem busy with other things, some not sparing a glance as they rush stretchers to rooms. Thanks to that, no one questioned my actions, but it still feels risky. My body sticks tightly to the wall as I lend an ear towards the room. Taking a peek would be risky since my head would be visible and blocking light from outside, so I keep quiet and attempt to eavesdrop on their conversation, but to no avail. The bustling clinic muffles the dialogue between Lucas and Dr. Lee. Giving up, I relocate myself to the reception desk where I know they leave out a bowl of candies and chocolate for visitors. A little burst of serotonin never hurt anyone. Right?

▶ Ambience

As I work on a candy of choice in my mouth at a bench near the entrance, Lucas walks close to the reception desk and stops when he notices my presence. For a split second, his expression was shrunken in discomfort. Yet, in a flash, he paints that goofy smile to replace the former visage. “When did you get here? Did you even have breakfast? It’s not even 7:00am,” he shouts despite him standing a couple of meters away. Though embarrassing as it is to see annoyed nurses and doctors look our way, it’s nice to see his fun side come out despite the tension between us remaining thick.

“I’m just here to chat, you know, talk with some of my coworkers. See if anyone wants to hang out after their hours are done. I don’t really have anything else to do,” I lie through my teeth. I could be sleeping, but there’s too much I want to ask about your fucking cyborg arm, is the reality of my purpose here. But obviously, this is a public space, he’s working a job, and this is slowly becoming to feel like an obsession. The last thing I want is to worry about nothing, but I couldn’t help myself. Lucas is starting become more suspicious, I can’t lose him to something dangerous. Without thinking, I stare at his left arm. He’s wearing another long-sleeved shirt under his scrub to hide his arm. Realizing my intense gaze on him, Lucas takes long steps to the bench and sits down next to me, ensuring that his human arm nudged my left arm. It’s definite that he’s uncomfortable. “Sorry.” He shakes his head and lets out a hearty laugh.

A couple of pats on the top of my head remind me of my stiff posture to which I reply by relaxing. Lucas knows how to comfort others. He would’ve been a great doctor. Succeeding him clearing his throat, he softens his tone, “I’ll be at Sicheng’s tonight after my shift. I’ll only have half an hour to eat until I have to go somewhere. Tomorrow, I promise, I’ll tell you everything, but today isn’t a good time.”  A pause ensues, the both of us holding our gaze at each other until Lucas breaks out in a grin again. “I’ll pay for dessert, too. My treat!” Nothing like paying for my snacks. There’s no way to win against this man and his kind heart. A short moment passes by after I scan his face. I scoff at his comment, mumbling a ‘fine’ while a laugh escapes and my smile matches his. Just as he opens his mouth as if to say more, a nurse hurries to Lucas asking him to help with getting clean water and towels for a pregnancy in one of the rooms. He leaves immediately after shooting me a gentler smile, my own quickly reciprocating it. There goes Lucas again, I think to myself. But as swiftly as Lucas left, another figure of interest comes into sight at the front desk. And here comes Dr. Lee.

On the inside, I want to trust him. From what all the nurses and staff tell me, he’s a top notch doctor from the best medical university in Seoul who decided to leave South Korea for Japan to join one of the Tokyo hospital teams. Things obviously didn’t turn out so well after 2094, and he’s stuck here in Pearl Park. He seems to be well-off, too, showing up in designer brands you’d see before the disaster. Makes you wonder how such talent ended up in the ruins. Though I feel bad for him as I do with Lucas and his crushed dream, the inexplicable hatred in me keeps expanding and it has everything to do with that damn robot arm. Since last night, it’s been taking up all the space for thought, eating away at me. I wouldn’t have woken up before 7:00am and walked all the way to the clinic if this never happened. Nevertheless, the surreal circumstances in front of me are reality. I suppose now’s my chance to wring out any more information of Dr. Lee since my Saturday schedule is free of activity. It might be best to avoid Lucas for answers given how he dodges my questions regardless of the well-known fact that my curiosity is ultra strong. The first thing to pop up in my brainstorm is the document storage room on the second floor. As an employee of a not so high-end clinic, it’ll be easy to get in. Staff won’t question me going through the second floor and security’s a joke. Of course, there are possibilities of getting caught especially trying to read classified or private information, but it’s worth the risk if I can start to understand Lucas’s situation.

I take to the staircase leading up to the second level, a quick minute up to another floor busy with patients. Today, it seems a lot of them have either a cold or a broken bone, judging by swarm of people by the x-ray room accompanied by the continuous symphony of sneezing and sniffling. Eyeing the room at the end of the hall and taking in a long breath in, I casually make way to the door, weaving through nurses pushing wheeled beds. This hallway is long, I tell myself as clinic members make beelines toward their next destinations and form a difficult sea. Before reaching the door, I peak over my shoulder at the other employees. No one seems to be suspicious, and no Dr. Lee anywhere. Perfect, too perfect. A sign next to the door reads “Staff Only,” making me feel better about what I’m doing. Assistants are considered staff, right? The musty smell of old papers and cigarettes of the room cause me to cough a little. I wonder where to even start when there’s hundreds of files stored in here. It could take all day to thumb through all of these files. Luckily for me, the file cabinets are labeled with categories, albeit some oddly named like pets. I don’t think we have a veterinarian sector or have partnership with one. After a few minutes scanning all the potential cabinets, one catches my eye. Medical staff, the label reads. Dr. Lee’s file must be in there, and to my delight, he was indeed part of the records.

▶ Ambience

With a small gulp, I pull out the bulky, tattered folder as the other files begin to expand and fill the now empty space in the cabinet. Curiosity leads my widened eyes to glide across this important folder containing a book of history and records for each staff member. Confidential. Maybe I’m in here, and Lucas, too, except this seems to be an older record. We probably didn’t make the cut because it only contains Pearl Park medical staff that have been serving for a long time, from before the disaster, in this folder.  Flipping to a table of contents on the inside of the cover, I search for Dr. Lee’s name under Orthopaedic Surgeons towards the back of the pages. That’s definitely him from 2093, a year before the disaster. Handsome, frankly, but ugly for what I assume he’s doing to Lucas. With all fibers of my being, I swear this man is my enemy. Realizing I’ve been holding in my breath for a while, I let out some air and try to release the tightness in my muscles. I continue reading.

Lee Taeyong. Born July 1st, 2071-- he’s the around the same age as me at 25 years old. Graduated from an international high school in 2087. Graduated from a top Seoul university with a PhD in Biomedical Sciences in 2092. So he was done with high school at 16 and university at 21. Started Pearl Park 2093 as a starting job, and of course he still works here due to the disaster. Quite a remarkable career especially having an average of 426 surgeries a year since he started at this clinic. Absolutely phenomenal... that’s at least a thousand surgeries so far, depending on how 2094 impacted his work. Though so young, he certainly has the experience and professionalism to perform surgeries that could’ve been life or death. So perhaps he really is a force to be reckoned with, not some random scientist who just wants to fool around with an experiment. Especially with human life. With this information at hand, there must be a reason behind turning Lucas into some type of mechanical entity. Scrunching my face as my thoughts go into overdrive, I try to come up with a conjecture on this man’s motives. Do I go the route of the worst or the best case scenario? My session of attempted reasoning suddenly ceases as a booming voice hits against the door of the room. I’m not sure what he’s saying, but I burst into action as I rip out Dr. Lee’s page, shove the folder back into the cabinet sloppily, and hide myself behind a tall cabinet away from the door. At the sound of a loud click, I still my whole body, frozen as I listen for any more noise. The door seems to close behind the person with a loud thud. Instant recognition. The person’s voice is, with no doubt, Dr. Lee.

“Why don’t they clean this piece of shit room up, it’s a fucking dump in here... Let’s see.” The opening and closing file cabinets, shuffling papers, and soft, incoherent mumbling permeates the room. No more than a few minutes and he leaves. Before I move from my position, I puff my cheeks and push out the air from holding my breath again for what felt like eternity. Making sure for another thirty seconds that absolutely no one is there, I come away from my hiding spot and examine the medical staff’s cabinet. There’s one more thing that should be checked-- if my file and Lucas’s are in there. If we do have a record and his is missing, this could be an issue and a surefire sign I can’t trust Dr. Lee. Leafing through the files again, to my surprise, there is an updated 2095 folder towards the back of the cabinet for newer medical staff. Pearl Park isn’t considered a big professional clinic to come to. It’s dingy at best, so this comes a bit of a shock. I’d been expecting no records after the disaster as the clinic is critically understaffed. Teeth grasp at my bottom lip, my hands hovering over the binder cover. Here we go. After turning many, many pages, I find the Assistants page and see our names. My file doesn’t look like much as it contains basic information, when my shifts are, and the duties I originally had appointed to me when I started working. According to the list of all employee names, Lucas should be in here, supposedly a few pages after mine. Wong Yukhei. However, there is only remnants of paper stuck to the binder’s rings

Dr. Lee ripped his page out.

▶ Ambience

It feels strange to act like everything’s normal. Here I am, sitting next to Sicheng and Lucas as we make fun of pissy customers at Electric Egg and laughing ourselves silly. While our outside conversation makes me feel a little more at ease, the fact that Lucas’s information could be used for no good is begging to be released from my thoughts. I want to spill so much at this very moment with Lucas right here, but dragging Sicheng into this mess isn’t necessary. I’ll have to wait until dinner is done. Lucas distributes his tea eggs between the three of us, and we devour them before he has to leave for, well, whatever he needs to go to. Now’s my chance. As Lucas stands, I raise my voice, “I’ll stay behind with Sicheng for a bit. Come back home safely.” He beams at my comment, patting me on the back to comfort me. Without another word, he heads out of the street, turning the corner as Sicheng and I watch his shape slowly disappear. Sicheng taps me on the hand to get me to stop spacing out.

Sicheng takes on a soothing tone as he expresses his concern, “You sure you’re okay? You’ve been spacing out randomly...” Through the slightly sweaty bangs from cooking all day, I take in his worried face. Tilting his head after a moment of no response, he sighs. “I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but you’re not this quiet with us. You can tell me what’s wrong.” I nod, my eyes holding their focus on the table where the last tea egg lies.

“I can’t tell you anything more than except...” I delay the rest of what I want to say, I wasn’t without doubt if I should even bring up the conundrum. But alas, the bottled up information in me needed some form of freedom from my system. I decide it may be alright to let him know what’s happening at the surface of it all. “There’s something odd going on between Lucas and one of the doctors at the clinic. I can’t shake off the bad feeling I’m having, and I don’t mean to be nosy. But Lucas is important and I want to make sure he’s okay. You know he’s typically an open book, but I can’t read him anymore.” That was a lot to knock out of me, but to have someone else see why I’m so worried creates some kind of validation for the emotions rushing through my head. I realize how selfish I sound. I shrink into myself, waiting for Sicheng to say something. Anything.

Instead of silence, he scoots his chair closer to mine and I force myself to hold in a laugh because of the embarrassment from the loud noise. “I’m sure he has his reasons. You, him, and I. We’ve been friends for a couple of years now, Lucas isn’t the type to just leave anyone hanging without reason. Whatever it is, we need to be patient with him. As for you, you need to let things be from time to time.” He sits up straighter, leans forward, and continues, “You work hard with two jobs. Take care of yourself first and foremost. He’s his own person, you are your own. Don’t add to your mountain of stress.” Those are words I needed to hear, though they hurt. This whole idea that my best friend is turning into a cyborg seems to be a big deal, but for the sake of Sicheng’s safety, I can’t disclose that. Nonetheless, it does feel a bit... obsessive in retrospect. It’s a complicated state of affairs, and I don’t think Sicheng would be able to follow. It’s a see-for-yourself kind of deal. Not at all blaming him, his heart is in the right place. I give a simple head-shake, turning my attention to the last tea egg again. Gingerly, I pick it up and hand it to him.

His eyes open up in confusion. I let out the repressed laugh from earlier, a little heartier than I expected. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to dump this all on you. And I’ll work on focusing on myself more, you’re right. Lucas is a grown person, he can act on his own and tell me when he’s ready.” Sicheng loosens up, his hand extending to take the tea egg cupped in my hand. After taking a small bite, he gleams a big and toothy smile. As thanks, he lets me have the rest of the treat as one of the other employees at Electric Egg call for him to come back and work the stall.

▶ Ambience

Removing himself from his seat to stand up, he delicately flicks my forehead. He bids me a good night and says, “Take it easy, okay? It’s still Saturday, go get some sleep or go dance in your room, whatever it is you do these days.” We both send each other a tender laugh before parting ways. With a goodbye, I get up from my seat and head towards the direction of the apartment. It’s all smiles walking for a few minutes, reflecting on Sicheng’s words. My body felt a little lighter from releasing at least a small portion of my feelings. It starts to drizzle, a feeling I’ve always liked in Neostone but never when it pours too hard-- especially without an umbrella. I reach the last corner leading to my place when a downpour manifests. At the ping of my pocket, I quickly reach for my phone and take cover under a nearby entryway into a convenience store. Shit. Acid rain right now? My thumb gravitates to my messages. I should text Lucas and Sicheng to make sure they’re okay. I call Sicheng first to see if he’ll pick up. He does, sending a wave of relief through me as he says he’s safe in the closest store. On the other hand, Lucas did not pick up. I’m starting to wonder if this will be the new normal from now on. Panicking a bit, I text him and hope for the best, that he’s somewhere safe from the rain. The rain today is sort of acidic, I got an alert on my phone. Make sure you’re in a building. Send. We both keep the read receipts on, so if he doesn’t respond but sees my text, I might have to scold him the next time I see that annoying guy. I shove my phone back into my pocket and promptly took out the piece of paper that holds Dr. Lee’s information. I gawk at it, contemplating why I ever took it, and look back up. Fuck.

Staring in disbelief, the world around me slows. Cars pass by in slow motion and the neon signs twinkle in harmony by blending together. It’s the very same apartment establishment listed in the file. It’s a bit fancier than ours, which makes sense. Dr. Lee makes a bit more money than the rest of us. Fuck what Sicheng said, I need to see what’s happening with that suspicious doctor. Without further ado, I trudge through the acid rain, though I know it stings a little on my skin. It’s not too bad. Taxi cabs flip their middle fingers up at me, passersby calling out to warn or scold me, all while I snake through the lines of vehicles and cuss words thrown all around. The crackle of bright neon flicker crescendos as I come closer. Finally, I step foot onto the other side of the street, finding a heightening urge to find out the truth. Inside the lobby, the interior also seems to hold more life and care in it. This is definitely a more well-off micro-apartment complex than the one Lucas and I live in. The receptionist greets me warmly, a stark contrast from the subtle waves from the one we have. She doesn’t seem to question where I’m going or if I needed help, however, so I come to the staircase and take myself up to the tenth floor-- a very long way up.

▶ Ambience

Good grief, that was worse than the staircase at ours, I complain in my head, heaving heavy breaths as my feet begin to feel sore. I’ve reached the top. The address claims that Dr. Lee lives in room 1027. The gold colored plates on doors boast numbers in a sophisticated font, ascending as I progress the halls. Here it is. I approach the door, careful not to be any louder than I am right now, and I press an ear on the door. Muffled voices, one of them has to be Lucas. I can recognize his deep voice from a mile away. He has a tendency to mumble if he talks for too long, words becoming muddled. It’s like when he’s tired from work and almost crashes in my room, talking nonsense until I finally kick him out. From my pocket, I pull out a couple of paperclips and begin to bend them. Sicheng taught me this trick when we stole a bottle of painkillers from one of the pharmacies in Neostone’s uptown. One of my friends got injured during a fight between food stalls, and we were desperate to help him out. These kinds of skills really help out in this kind of life though I never imagined it was going to be this way. Click, click, click. The soft pop of the lock makes my heart race, and not in a pleasant way. Carefully, I turn the knob and push, using all the strength in my body not to cause a ruckus with my entrance. The sound of an electric drill becomes more apparent as the door swivels to give way to the apartment. It’s a lie when I said it’s a bit fancier. It’s way more lavish with a retro-futuristic style with warm colored furniture and decorations. There has to be some reason Dr. Lee can afford to continue living here since Pearl Park isn’t the biggest clinic and is located in quite a rough area. They don’t pay employees much, only an ample amount to get by with food and shelter. Maybe he was able to get a lot of money before the disaster happened. Enough with the admiration, I thought we’re past the need for capitalism, I reprimand myself. 

There’s no Dr. Lee or Lucas in the parlor, but the whine of the drill grows as I explore further into the apartment, noticing the several doors. One clearly has lights on as the door is open, bingo. It must be them. Inching closer as quietly as I can, I hear Lucas lightly groan. Heart beating faster, I reach the room and squeeze through in case the door would make noise. Half of the room is blocked by a bulky bookcase which I hide behind, peeking through one of the cracks to look at the other side. What I see is horrendous-- Lucas sits on a reclined chair, thankfully unrestrained. Profusely sweating and wincing from pain, his jaw tightens as he clenches his teeth while Dr. Lee works another screw into his shoulder. In the most monotonous voice, he says to Lucas, “That should be enough for the shoulder. Think I’ll add more joints in your fingers so they have more flexibility. I was able to design more realistic-looking phalanges the other day, want to try?” Lucas simply nods at the notion, much to my disgust. Should I make my next move? Should I leave? I stand a bit higher on the tips of my toes to see more clearly.

Suddenly, the arm attached to Lucas begins to beep alarmingly. “The heat sensor... who’s there?” Lucas queries. Dr. Lee looks around the room, spinning in his chair while Lucas stands and starts to wander around the space. The staccato tones rapidly sound as Lucas takes long strides towards the bookcase, pulling out a few books to expose half of my face. His face crumples into anger at my presence. “Why are you here... Did you follow me?” I gulped. This is not good. Behind Lucas comes the other man, swiping books off the shelves to get a better sense of who’s behind the bookcase. His eyes open up more in surprise.

“You’re from the clinic.” he says firmly and quickly balls up the shirt on my shoulder into his fist, pulling me from my spot. The other hand reaches at his back behind a tattered lab coat to reveal a revolver, the one often seen in old classic films. Our eyes lock on each other, his fired up with murderous intent and wrath. The cold metal presses onto my forehead, but I keep my focus on his face. Lucas yelps on the side, but doesn’t come closer as to not escalate this whole situation. “An assistant. Why are you here? How did you get in?” My hands drift in the direction of the ceiling, a signal of surrender. Visibly shaken, Lucas taps the doctor on the shoulder and interrupts.

“[Pronoun] is a good friend of mine. Please don’t do anything rash, [pronoun] can be put to good use.” Lucas claims. I examine him with confusion written all over my expression, though he holds his guarded stare at Dr. Lee. I’m beyond dismayed that Lucas would try propose that I can be made into a pawn in whatever the motherfucker is planning. That might mean taking Lucas’s place with substitution of my flesh with peculiar machinery, or being the one to help out with Lucas’s... transformation. In any case, there’s no way I’d accept those fates. Dr. Lee maintains eye contact with me, but moves the gun from my face to his side. On cue, a sigh exiting my mouth.

He laughs rather nonchalantly, the clutch on his gun tighter despite being on the side. He’s ready to kill someone. “It’s tough doing things on my own, I do need another hand. Human hands, I must add.” Another chuckle echoes through the room, the unbearable discomfort consuming my emotions. Continuing on, the man adds, “I’m appointing you as my messenger. Send information to my other colleagues, then you may stay alive and see Lucas everyday. However.” Always a catch. The fist that kept me in my place releases the fabric that was bundled in it. It travels to the gun, the cock of the weapon raising my alertness. Though physically there’s no restraint on me, one wrong move and I’m dead. “If you can’t follow through with my instructions, expect a bullet wound or worse.” Absolutely out of his mind. But he leaves me having to accept this offer. Briefly, I steal a glance at Lucas whose angrily knit brows now angle upwards in a worried manner. I can’t die here, and the need for strength increases knowing Lucas might not be able to handle the pain of seeing me shot. He needs me.

Dr. Lee tilts his head, waiting for a response. The loaded gun taunts me, his impatience showing when he starts tapping it against his waist. Pursing my lips, I come to the only choice I could make. Shakily, my voice raises to both Lucas and the doctor’s surprise, “I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever you tell me to do.” Speaking it into existence is the last thing I want, but I’m already neck deep into shit that doesn’t directly involve me. Might as well drown in what I’ve started. He snickers in delight, earning puzzled looks from Lucas and me. Leaving us near the bookcase, he saunters to his chair, taking a seat. His grip on the gun subsides, putting the small killing machine on his desk littered with papers with the big red classified stamped all over them. The silence weighs down on us before it’s broken by the doctor, his hands folded together with the most poisonous smirk playing across his lips.

“Just call me Taeyong.” He fiddles with a pen from his desk and continues,

”Question-- have you ever gone clubbing?”

[theworryjournal]

Body Positivist Police

You know the number of body positivist influencers I follow? You wouldn’t believe it but I also follow a few animal/pet profiles on social media that promote body positivism. A very “LOL” moment when I realised that’s how intensely I’m battling body positivism. If there’s one of me, then there are many like me right? A very millennial problem to possess, yet so subjective. You know what I don’t get though, how do I expect someone living outside of my body to help me normalise what’s happening within and on my body? No matter who I follow or what they preach, you can never normalise what I see when I look in the mirror or what I feel when I touch ME. No matter how many stretch mark photos I see, no matter how many uneven breasts I see, no matter how many paunchy human beings I see, its never enough. Do you feel that dissatisfaction? And eventual remorse? Well, I do and I couldn’t fathom, why not? They are doing it, I sort of look like her or him, so its okay. Its not. Its really not (because growing up, I never saw a body like mine up on the big screen and I still don’t see it). Especially those 1000 word essay type captions I see, the ones that do not have a TLDR version saying how they overcame this or that (no disrespect to the ones who have such posts, no offense intended, just normalising), still doesn’t help. 

I’ve batted an issue with weight, almost all my life (at least since I hit puberty, in my head that’s when my life actually began). Not weight exactly because I’ve weighed healthy (according to all the WHO standards) but the way I “looked” to myself, in the mirror. I was never satisfied. I always found my thighs too heavy or “thunderous” if you wanna call it. I’ve always found myself too paunchy, there have been times when I’ve breathed short and heavy so that I’m able to hold my shape at a party (WTF right?). I’ve always caught myself staring for too long at my classmates’ (in high school) legs or arms, how they don’t jiggle and mine always did (and still do). I would starve myself, skip lunch and feed my lunch to the dogs. 4 years of braces and hating on my frizzy and curly hair, you would think growing up helps right? Newsflash, not really. Freud was right. if you don’t figure your childhood out, it’ll be your midlife crisis. Then came my 20s, 4 years of braces and 3 teeth short after, joined college and suddenly I was one of those girls that men looked more than twice. Men and women of all races wanted to look at me twice or felt the need to tell me that I looked “good” or they like how I’m dressed or how it accentuates so and so. I was being talked about, I was a standard to many girls. I couldn’t believe myself. I would still look at myself in the mirror, unsure. When I was eventually used to it, I was satisfied. My idea of satisfaction is allowing myself to eat an extra serving of rice (yes, I’m South Asian) or more meat or extra desserts. I discovered this new found confidence that glowed within me and helped me walk with my chin up because men wanted me. They wanted my sex. I was so confident, I was audacious. Happy. This new treatment mollified everything and I soon forgot I ever had issues with the way I looked. You know, until I was in my early 20s, I didn’t think I was a looker. That someone would look at me twice. It was in my 20s, that I heard someone call me beautiful. Pretty. A looker. Hot. Sexy. Cute. That hair is exquisite on you. Then I graduated and transitioned to my mid-20s. Being a professional and all that jazz. 

Slowly that confidence began to chip away. Maybe because I didn’t have men/women constantly validating me? Or that constant flow of attention? Then came the string of online dates and I got my next (best, apparently) constant source of attention and validation. I wasn’t out there hunting for validation for my wounded ego, it just came my way and of course I lapped it up. I was so used to that by now. I was hungry. With the “Do you know the kind of effect you have on men” to “Come on! You are being modest. You are fetching for compliments, aren’t you?” Well, no. I’m not. I really don’t know how I look. I don’t “believe” how I look. I mean, how can you believe in something you have no understanding of right? I also began noticing that every problem/hurdle I faced in my life, the first to erode, was the way I looked. That’s when I realised that the most fragile part of me is that, what I see when I look at the mirror. Bad relationship and I “let myself go” and ate whatever I could eat. That’s when I saw the scale dip to the higher end, something that’s never happened before. And now, I was unhealthy and of course I didn’t like what I saw either. That didn’t affect me then because he didn’t think I looked bad. He was attracted to me, even if I wasn’t. Then he left and the veil lifted. An alarm went off and I saw her. Me. 

I was sad. Moping everyday. I stopped looking at the mirror. I stopped dressing well. My self-esteem left the building. Being quarantined didn’t help for sure. I knew I was dipping into being unhealthy and finally found that courage in me to face myself and my body. I started eating healthy. Tried not to deprive myself of anything. I exercised (overdid it in the beginning to an extent where I almost injured myself but now I’m learning). It wasn’t easy. I would beat myself bloody (metaphorically) if I cheated or overate or didn’t stick to my regime or didn’t exercise. Now, I’m slowly transitioning. I’m having conversations with my body in front of the mirror. I love looking at myself in the mirror now. I love my hair. I love my skin. I love my stretch marks. I love eating cupcakes. I eat loads of rice. I’ve a paunch and I love it. I sometimes make it talk to me, you know like how kids do it. Yet, there are days when its really difficult. When I’m bloated and I feel like everything I did has gone for a toss. When I look at my arms and think they’re too large. At least, those days are lesser in number than the happy ones. I like taking pictures of myself now and uploading them, regardless of who thinks what. Especially pictures that show my paunch or arms or thighs. I breathe deeply and through my belly now. I finally don’t add as much value as I did when someone compliments me. I thank them and tell myself you bet I do. Because I do. I really do. 

Today I’m 26, a vegan (because animal husbandry is going to drive us to extinction), slightly overweight, paunchy, thunder thighs, beautiful curly hair and hairy sometimes. I eat healthy and unhealthy, I exercise whenever I can and I’m happy. I’m “satisfied”. I still follow those pages and like every post because I’m supportive. I realised that no matter how much positive energy you surround yourself with, its never gonna be enough until you fill your insides with it. I look in the mirror everyday because I like who I see, she makes me happy. I don’t upload photos so that someone else validates it or to help someone else see if I can, so can you. No. I do it because it makes me happy. I’m celebrating, everyday. This body. This smile. This hair. This skin. Every time I hit a block and have difficulty accepting a part of my body, I photograph it and look at it again and again. Until I’ve normalised it for ME. When someone says, do you have any idea the kinda effect you have on people, I genuinely know the answer to that because I’ve that same effect on myself, when I look at myself in the mirror. I’ve created this masterpiece today and I’ll fiercely protect her. 

Its funny how I came to realise that I need to normalise it for myself, every time I’m intoxicated and my inhibitions dropped, I would see someone else in the mirror. A woman fierce from within. Appealing from within. Her personality defining her features. Her personality and her looks amalgamating and reflecting off of my mirror. I would suddenly find every part of my body so appealing and almost turning on. When it would wear off, I wouldn’t see that anymore. That’s when I realised, I’ve to do it for me. Just like how all these influencers are doing it for themselves. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still love makeup, dressing up and being complimented. The only difference is I do it only to accentuate what I already am and have and not to change the way I look or am. 

TLDR- You gotta do it. You gotta do it for yourself. I mean, you live in that body. You feel its feelings. You masturbate with that body. You dress that body. How can someone else do it for you? 

The irony is that my profession is helping others eat healthy and maintain a better lifestyle, I’m a nutritionist. I didn’t plan to be one at all. That’s a story for another time. The universe sure does work in mysterious ways. 

Normalise it. Feel it. Accept it. Love it. We’re on each other’s team. Kinda tired of having to throw my hands in the air.