#I blamed a lot of the issues with season 2 with time and money but

[thehealingsystem]

i'm watching this video, near the end of it but....yeah, honestly I gotta agree. everything said in here is correct. and I'm kinda disappointed they're correct. I can't necessarily blame myself because most other people fell for it but damn. I really thought this show was more leftist than it actually was and defended it from a leftist perspective. but now I realize that the stupid liberal straight up bigoted opinions people had with this show is not because they're misunderstanding it, but because the show cultivates it. it actually wants people to reach these conclusions. I do love arcane but I loved it more for the leftist potential that it had, not because the show is actually leftist. I recommend giving it a watch all the way through even if you don't agree with some of the things they say. if you're a leftist and watched this show then I think it will be an eye opener, it certainly was for me

[toomanywatchers]

My Thoughts on WatcherTV

Hi, I am here to put away my meme-making skills to express my genuine thoughts on Watcher’s announcement; WatcherTV. Before I get into it, this is for any of those at Team Watcher who might be seeing this message: Just know we love and support everything you do for us. Y’all truly do not get the credit you rightfully deserve. I hope with this change to a separate streaming platform you guys can create the content you want to make, pull in creators that you’ve always wanted to work with, and share voices/topics that may have not had the chance to shine because of YouTube’s heinous algorithm. I know myself, and many others, are excited to see what WatcherTV brings. For instance, I already watched Road Files and the trailer for Travel Season on the new platform. And guess what? I love it! I just love BTS-centric shows and seeing the vibes established on Travel Season. Along with more Lizzie/possibly-more-sightings-of-other-Team-Watcher-peeps content?!? If this is what holds for the future of WatcherTV- oh boy, do you already have me more on board than I already was.

I also send my sincerest regards too. We all know that the internet can be a negative space with many sharing their uncensored thoughts, and I hope none of you take the hate to heart. I also hope you can take the weekend to breathe, drink some water, spend time with loved ones, and celebrate this huge step you all are embarking on. I am truly excited to see what is to come on WatcherTV will be there with each step to support.

Now to my fellow fans of Watcher. I understand the concern and it is okay to have concerns. It shows that you truly care for Watcher as a company and don’t want anything negative to come about with this decision. BUT on the other hand, spreading hateful messages? Not. Fucking. Cool. It is quite simple to express concern in an appropriate/respectful manner. Remember, this is a company full of living and breathing human beings. Trying to justify “who is to blame” and pointing fingers is just childish. Guess what? No one is to blame, it was a company-wide decision that they all made and spent months upon months to create.

Yes, it does suck to see content that was free for years be moved to a paywall, but remember they are independent artists that have to pay employees, freelancers, locations, and themselves! Have we not been advocating for fair pay among creative individuals when it comes to WGA/SAG-AFTRA strikes and then AI art taking jobs away from artists? If this is what the company needs to do to survive while not sacrificing the high-quality content they make for us, then we should give it a shot! Plus with the current discount available, the subscription is not that pricey for the amount of shows they produce! Literally for January and a bit of February, they were uploading 2 podcasts and 2 separate shows… that’s a lot of content! If you have never sat down to produce, direct, write, perform, edit, and all other aspects it takes to make a fine-polished YouTube video, it takes a lot of work!

To add to this, Watcher already makes content that far expands past what is recognized as normal for YouTube. They build individual sets for each show that is produced, and they travel all over the place for Ghost Files and soon-to-be Travel Season. It costs money to produce content and YouTube?- It’s just not how it was years and years ago. Views on long-form content have been dipping and with the over-saturation of sponsorships, I am assuming they are not making enough profit to sustain the business on the current platform. Also, monetization on YouTube has been a killer for many channels because of vulgar language issues and just being demonetized for no rhyme or reason. By moving over to a streaming platform of their own they can continue to create what they want to create, and make it without any restrictions or rules holding them back. Too pricey? Find some friends who also like the content and split the pricing evenly. Only want to watch certain shows? Then make a monthly subscription for the time that show airs. There are many solutions that you guys see as a huge problem, and don’t get me wrong I have my concerns. I shared those concerns briefly in my theory post about them still being a young channel, but I’m also unaware of the actual analytics and revenue that is currently being brought in currently to the company from YouTube alone. 

It’s a huge step that has garnered negative feedback from those spreading hateful messages about the company and to other individuals for supporting the boys *cough cough I see your messages and comments cough cough* is truly uncalled for. I will be taking a bit of a break from my socials as I wait out the storm though if I have the energy, I might stream on Twitch again and talk through this with y’all if you can sit down and have a civil discussion. As for now, it’s your choice if you continue to support. My goal is to continue to make funny little memes, and if I am allowed to I will be working on a crack video pt.2 after Travel Season premieres. Remember to be kind and to put yourselves in their shows. Just the boys even though they are receiving the brunt of the hate, but for everyone at the company.

Your local memester watcherina - Fritz.

[starswhisperwritershear]

@any-n-everything Here's why i think Sam and Tucker needed some more thorough development. I mean it's not that they were terrible, and I think the majority of my problems with them suffer from the writing and it being a kids show who's primary goal was to teach kids moral lessons. But Sam had several moments where she disregard what Danny wanted and pushed her own agendas no matter how that affected him and Tucker. Such as the gorilla project (yes it was for Danny's grade but the poor kid got no sleep that night and clearly didn't want to be there), or the one that gets me the most is season 2 episode 1 when she wished Danny and her had never met and then instead of trying to solve the problem in any other way (she already knew at this point that it was the wishing ghost attacking) Like going to get help from any of the other ghost hunter or dealing with the ghost herself which she was shown very capable of doing (and we needed more of because honestly that was a cool aspect of her character) she decided to put her friend, who she supposedly cares about, through the most traumatic experience of his life a second time. She killed him, twice. Because she was the one who egged him on to go in the portal the first time despite him warning her about safety issues, and then she just shoved him in the second time. But then the show wants to convince me she likes him romantically. That's crazy. Not to mention the one time with the trucks that Danny and Tucker liked and she wanted him to use his ghost powers to her advantage despite having in several other episodes berated him for doing the same thing. And (last example I promise) in the show finale when he gave up his ghost powers to protect his family and go back to a normal life because he's been struggling with this for so long, she gets upset! (They all do, I'm not excluding Jazz and Tucker from this, this is just my Sam paragraph). She tells him that she feels she lost a friend and that he's wrong to give up superpowers because now he's not unique or special and she wants friends who are unique and special. Like damn, Sam. Low blow. It's like when a friend only wants to hang out with you to play on your x box and when you don't have the x box they disappear and hate you.

As for Tucker, he's not quite as bad and again I think his character just suffers from the Tv-Y7 rating, but there are a few times where he just straight up disrespects Danny. The only two times we're shown that they get in a fight, Tucker completely does a 180 and makes Danny out to be the bad guy. In the episode where he wishes he has ghost powers he just blames Danny for taking the spotlight and showing off how much better he is, when Danny never did any of that (at that point in the show). Even if Tucker felt that way because of jealousy, he was still really rude with how he spoke to Danny and quite literally put a citizen's life in danger just to upstage Danny. He does it again in the one for where he runs against Dash for class president. (I know that in both of these he was under a ghost influence, but all of the problems started before the ghosts got involved, they just enhanced what he was already feeling.) (And I know Danny and Sam weren't listening to him but that's wildly out of character for Danny and I feel the writers just conformed his personality to the plot to teach the listen to your friends narrative) but he also took that scepter willingly from the mummy ghost. He has like a weird superiority complex that he takes out on people at the most random times. Then in the episode with Nocturne, his best dream is him being all rich and making Danny his janitor! That's not how you think of your best friend! That shows just how much better he thinks he is compared to Danny. Then in the episode where the G.I.W. buys Danny's house and Danny is freaking out, Tucker is like hey man, you have a lot of money now, act like it and enjoy it and calm down. Then gets mad at him when he acts like it and enjoys it! And also he did the same thing as Sam in the finale.

Sorry for the chaotic jumbled mess of thoughts, I have more to say I just can't remember any more specific examples off the top of my head at the moment. But again, he could have worse, I just think they also deserve their own growing and learning moments.

[officialtrashbin]

Ok ok ok ok ok wrap-up thoughts on the season now that the finale is out:

First of all, DEATHBIT DEATHBIT DEATHBIT

2) ok the subplot with Rogue and Magneto actually grew on me. Like, she’s rejected him ultimately but they still mattered to each other and they still do, it’s just not romantic from her side anymore. I can’t blame magneto for not getting over her rejection I’d never be able to take the psychic damage of losing Rogue

also yeah the age gap was a little weird but I’m living for the drama and the potential for their platonic friendship. I want to make a comment about how their stint is an example of unidentified trauma becoming trauma bonding but then I have to like…write it.

3) I actually think Roberto and Jubilee were super cute and have elected to give their storylines a pass. Like they’re just kids coming into adulthood and have found comfort in each other, that’s good enough for me for now. (Though I’d like to see more of comic-accurate Sunspot being adapted but I digress. It’s only been 1 season.)

Also I think Sunspot awkwardly hanging around the Xmen slowly coming to terms with his speedran adoption is the funniest basis for an arc and have no further comments. Might write a fic later on his Struggles.

4) KURT JOINING THE MOTHERFUCKIN SQUAD BABYYYY and literally just everything about him. Being so supportive of Rogue and holding her and encouraging Gambit and just 😭😭😭😭

5) PHOENIX JEAN PHOENIX JEAN I LOVED JEAN

6) cyclops was one of my least favs in the original, this show put so much respect back on his name. I actually adore him now—plus the scenes with him doting on his grown ass man child is hysterical. Need more of it. I need this guy telling people this Hulk Hogan of a unit is his lil boy.

If Nathan isn’t seen later at a baseball game with Scott in a Summer 01 jersey and the cyborg arm badly painted over I’m committing crimes.

7) I think Storm needed way more screen time. I know there were scenes with her written out due to budget issues (and also them skipping her goodbye to Gambit made me annoyed) but like. The fact that her centric arc was put across two episodes shared with other episodes was irritating.

7.5) In this same vein I missed Bishop, I got so attached!!!! but here’s to hoping he’s kicking ass again in s2!

8) the rate in which I fell in love with these characters all over again is insane. Like harder than the original show in a fraction of the time.

9) Rogue did nothing wrong. 😭

10) Magneto definitely wasn’t right, but it’s interesting to witness how they justified his view point with Genosha and Bastion, and the ripple effect it had on people who didn’t even agree with him in the first place.

11) Cherik lmfao they were SO gay. I’m all for affectionate besties and dudes being shown as having close platonic bonds but this was Very Affectionate Besties with Seductive Grin Bedroom Eyes Charles Every Two Sentences.

12) honestly want a version of this show though where Charles stayed gone. I actually like him! I just think not having him around to help guide everyone made things so much spicier. Magneto was StrugglingTM for Real

13) Gambit’s death was so good, but I definitely figured he’d be coming back somehow because there was no way they were offing him thinking Rogue didn’t choose him.

14) speaking of, I was mostly joking in my shitposts about Death Gambit cause I had my money on a possible Sentinel Gambit with Bastion’s introduction, but the moment they went to Egypt I started clawing up all my old shit posts.

15) ROGUE DID NOTHING WRONG (lots of wrong but you know what? I love her. She can commit wrongs again.)

16) Beast was so good but I also low key wish he had a bit more screen time. His bitterness after Genosha was short-lived, I wish it had been explored more, like Charles talking it out of him or something and reminding him about their goals or…something.

17) Bastion was awesome no notes, hope he comes back as a horseman for the flex

18) hot Magneto no notes

19) hot Apocalypse no notes

20) crop top Gambit no notes

21) “His name was Gambit! Remember it!” Rogue was so beast in this season, it was cathartic watching her beat the shit out of Bastion. Her and Sunspot honestly make for a cool combat duo and I want to see them interact more.

22) DEATH GAMBIT AAAAAAHHHHHG

23) ey yo hold up does this mean Leech and the Morlochs and the perished Genosha mutants are permanently dead??? 💀

24) Logan and Morph were definitely something this season and I adored it, I adored Morph especially. Like Morph really said I Love You even if it was as Jean, I take what I can get

26) Magneto ripping Wolverine’s skeleton out like homie wouldn’t try to kill him with a wooden chair if given the opportunity. If anything now Logan has 0 weaknesses and a personal vendetta he can act upon. Rest in pieces Erik.

27) A goddess, a gravely injured Canadian, and a metaphor for gender identity walk into a bar and all 3 say “ouch” (bad joke. You’re welcome. Don’t worry guys, Storm is there so their arc will be wrapped up in about 12 minutes. Sorry can you tell I’m still mildly salty about her lack of screen time)

28) Rogue launching Cap’s shield is 11/10. Do it again do it again (woulda been top tier humor if the end credits showed him still looking for it frantically as the asteroid got closer)

Mostly that’s all I got. I have various other thoughts including how fucking HYPE seeing my fav duo Cloak and Dagger made me, but these were the key personal takeaways.

[ghostydrawsstuff]

warning: BIG READ

SCP lore!

so one of the past lives that Fen remembers is called Sev, which is short for Seven, which is short for 107.

Sev was taken to the foundation fairly young, so he pretty much grew up there. he was a mix between a forgen (i mentioned these in the last ask - they’re these really tall and well built people made of molten rock) and Werennts (like the rake but furry and with weird faces. a bit like the brown thing on season’s greason’s) so he was kept in a special containment cell for burny anomalies. he was assigned to this young researcher called Thomas Johnson.

Thomas was inexperienced and frankly a bit dumb, but he did his best. his wife, Victoria, was pregnant with their first daughter Christy. Thomas desperately wanted to be a good father and so worked hard to make sure he had the money to support the family. life was good for a few years. he raised Christy as best he could and even ended up with a second daughter - Clara. when he had Clara though, things changed. 107 began to say Christy’s name. he had never spoke priorly and he said nothing with it. just chanted her name over and over. he sounded distressed when he said it and Thomas panicked completely. at the time Christy was 5 years old. he brought it up to many higher-ups but they all told him to leave it be. he did at first but it continued for months and after nearly a year he snapped.

he brought Christy to work with him and let 107 see her. for some reason, he did not react to this at all. this surprised a lot of people, and Thomas’ supervisor Dr. Antes ordered a weekly experiment in which Christy was brought to him. he never reacted. this continued for another year with no results until one day, after the tests, Thomas had to leave a file with another doctor before he left. he took Christy with him, thinking she’d be fine alongside him, but they ran into an attempted breach from 071 and Christy got her head hit badly when a trolley trapped her between it and a wall.

it took 13 minutes for the medical team to see her, and she ended up severely brain damaged. she lost a majority of her motor skills, had extreme memory issues, could only see in monochrome colours, and had an extremely hard time regulating emotions. this added to her previous autism, tics and anxiety.

after this, 107 stopped saying her name.

Thomas (correctly) believed that 107 could sense that would happen, and so started to delve deeper into his work. he came home less and later, he rarely seen his daughters and didn’t have any patience for Victoria. Christy (now 7) was heavily distraught by her father’s absence, while Clara (2) had no idea who he was. she had barely met him.

Victoria hated Christy for being disabled, she was very much using Thomas for his money and she felt landed with Christy. she required a lot of money and attention that Victoria wanted for herself, and looking after Christy meant she couldn’t go drinking or gambling, shopping or to her husband’s brother’s house. she treated Christy terribly, always neglecting or yelling at her. Clara grew up with this and while she was never as abusive, she was embarrassed of Christy and would yell at her if she came near her outside or when she had friends over. Christy lived like this for most her life until one day she decided it was enough and took her own life.

in the foundation, Sev started screaming her name suddenly and it panicked Thomas. he left immediately but came home to a corpse. he was mad, and ashamed of himself, and of Victoria. he was terrified for Clara. he left Clara with Victoria and divorced her, dedicating himself full time to the foundation and specifically 107. Victoria however went immediately to his older brother Todd and turned their affair into a full relationship. Clara HATED her mother after this - no guilt for driving her sister to suicide, not missing her father after he abandoned them, and for getting with their drunken, scary uncle. Clara put a lot of the blame on herself, and spent the rest of her childhood and adult years closing herself off from everyone. the only people she never got rid of were her two best friends Jordan and Issac. she tried, but 10 year old boys are persistent and annoying. she did not succeed. they tried to help her the whole time and eventually her isolation turned into her becoming the teenagers parents all fear. she drank, she smoked, she hooked up with multiple people, snuck out and went clubbing, she broke things and started fights, and went off the rails completely. Victoria then had her first child with Todd, a boy they called Marco. this was Clara’s half brother and cousin, and it disgusted her. she never blamed Marco, but she never felt a very strong connection to him. Clara became more unwell after this and was almost never home, she couldn’t bear to see her mother or uncle and especially not Marco. because she was pretty much staying wherever she could, she often had to sleep with other boys to get herself a bed. she didn’t mind this, until eventually she ended up pregnant herself.

she had to stay home then, she couldn’t risk damaging the baby. so she became a full time carer for Marco too. a single mother at 18 trying to look after a baby and be pregnant at the same time was NOT easy. she began to grow close to Marco and resent her mother and uncle even more. after her daughter was born and christened Zarria, it got even harder for her. she couldn’t handle them both and her parents so she convinced them to sign over parental rights (not an issue, they weren’t particularly fond of Marco) and took her brother and daughter out of there.

she got a fairly big house using Thomas’ child support money that definitely wasn’t stolen from Victoria and raised them as best she could. Zarria and Marco grew up struggling for money but otherwise happy, the exact opposite of Clara. she told them of Christy and Thomas, always made sure they had their needs met before hers were, spent every spare penny on gifts. she tried her best, and Marco and Zarria loved her for trying. however, money got tighter as Clara jumped jobs and their needs became more expensive. they started to wear the worn out clothes longer, take quicker and less effective showers, sleep through hunger, etc. a report was made by a teacher at school and Clara lost custody of her children. she was beyond distraught. they were the only thing took her out of the terrible mental state before, and so without them she went back to it. she needed something to keep her alive, and she decided to go after the only other family she could think of.

Clara was 25 years old when she joined the SCP foundation, and it had been 16 years since she had seen or heard from Thomas. he was surprised, but happy to see his daughter again. they reunited and Clara found out that Thomas had new children of his own. he had tried to get better with the help of an assistant assigned to him. they fell in love and Thomas cared for her daughter Serenity, and they had a child called Ozzy together, but she passed in childbirth. Clara was enraged by this, since she felt he had abandoned her.

Thomas spent the next while trying to earn back Clara’s love and trust, while her resentment for her father only grew and she seen what a pushover he was. he was easily talked into anything at work and by Serenity, who seemed more in charge than Thomas was. over time, Thomas felt Clara becoming too distant, they felt like strangers. he decided the best thing he could do would be find the monster that predicted Christy’s death, so he assembled an MTF team and sent them out. they found Fen, and took him in. he claimed without hesitation that he was in fact Sev, and an interview with Thomas confirmed that. he was locked up and Thomas brought Clara to see him. she had her doubts that the young, chatty partly faceless boy was the same silent burning dog beast that used the scream her sister’s name.

Thomas consulted Dr Park, Clara’s supervisor, and convinced him to assign Clara to 107, or now Fen. her first task with him was an interview to see if Fen will confess how and why he was saying Christy’s name in his last life. Fen was playful and taunting, and extremely talkative. despite this, he tiptoed around the question. he simply said he knew she’d get hurt, and he was warning Thomas. after this, he just joked and fired questions back at Clara.

she tried multiple times to get answers, through experiments, interviews and unmonitored conversations. he always seemed more open without cameras and mics and other doctors, so Clara started spending more and more time in his containment cell with him. after a time, they began to enjoy eachother’s company. Fen would listen to Clara’s instructions more willingly and Clara would be kinder to Fen, and kept him calm around other doctors and MTFS. their friendship grew stronger over time, and Clara started to think of Fen like a little brother to her. their friendship became well known and accepted within the foundation and while many people looked down on Clara’s leniency with Fen, but they were glad he was kept obedient to some extent.

Thomas was always the most disapproving, constantly trying to warn Clara off Fen, but she never listened. one day, Thomas overheard Fen bugging Clara, by repeating her name. he had his arms around her shoulders, tiptoeing (even though he’s taller) and folding slightly over her shoulder, his mouth almost on her ear. the closeness and the memories of Christy’s death sent Thomas into a panic. he ran in and started to drag Clara away. his daughter struggled against him, and Fen - angry at Thomas trying to take his only friend inside, attacked. he screamed and slashed and bit at Thomas, and Thomas swung and kicked at Fen. Clara, knowing the trouble Fen could get in for harming staff, tried to intervene. she got between the two, and ended up slashed across the stomach.

Fen was devastated that he had hurt Clara, and she decided to spend the night with him to calm him down and let him know she didn’t blame him.

Thomas was angry and worried for his daughter, so he made a report to Clara’s supervisor, Dr Park. Park had always had a dislike for Fen due to his attitude and nature, and was disturbed by Clara’s love for him. so he, a man corrupt with power, convinced the ever-spineless Thomas to falsify a report with him. they disposed of all camera footage of Fen’s cell the night with Clara, and released a report the next day that Fen had sexually assaulted her.

obviously, Fen and Clara knew this was untrue, but nobody believed Fen and assumed Clara was too scared to speak up. also, after the report was released, they were separated. Fen thought Clara had told Park she was assaulted, and he had been betrayed by his best friend.

Clara continued her services in the foundation, hoping only to get back to Fen. Fen however disappeared from the foundation and didn’t come back for a very long time (he fucking died).

Clara fell heavy into depression, the only people she spoke with were Jordan and Issac. she became ruthless to other anomalies, and didn’t give other staff any time of day. she often got threatened with losing the job for aggressive and cruel behaviour, but she did not care and truthfully her talents with Fen made the foundation think of her as somewhat valuable.

skip more years, Angel decides to get back at Clara for betraying and abandoning Fen by manipulating Zarria into a homicide. she took the lives of eight children that were all connected to her and Clara somehow. she killed her best friends Grayson (her friend from childhood), Avery and Elijah (Jordan’s children) and Rochelle (Issac’s daughter), she killed Serenity and her boyfriend Colton, Freddy (Dr. Park’s son), and her last victim was Marco. then she took her own life. the souls of the children were then led by Angel to the foundation, where they began to haunt Clara. Angel spun lies to them all, blaming Clara for the terrible things they all dealt with in their lives. Clara became increasingly paranoid and depressed because of this. Jordan and Issac both lost contact due to grieving their children and knowing Clara’s daughter did it was hurtful to them, and the foundation fired her for poor performance. as the spirits got more persistent, she began to see a tenth. she seen Christy. Christy never hurt her or blamed her for anything, she actually fought the others to keep them away from Clara. the only person she didn’t go against was Fen/Angel. Christy left drawings around and would make scenarios with plushies to try and communicate to Clara what she had to do.

Christy knew that because it was Fen using Angel, who was using the souls, to get rid of them at let the spirits rest, she had to mimic Fen’s death and burn them all. she went to the school where Zarria had killed everyone and where the souls would be the strongest. she broke in at night so nobody else would be hurt, and she started a fire.

Angel went back to the foundation to tell Thomas that Clara was planning suicide, and Thomas rushed to help her.

when they found eachother, they were in the middle of the fire and Clara would not move until she seen to it that all the children got to rest. Thomas tried to convince her to leave but was distracted by seeing Christy. the two girls sat with their father until they were all consumed in the flames. unfortunately for them, those 3 were not killed by Fen or any of his puppets, so when Thomas and Clara’s souls left their bodies, they were still very intact.

Thomas’ soul is strongest in the foundation, so he remains there drowning himself in work, still serving them even as a ghost.

Clara’s is strongest around Fen, and so she was dormant for a while because of him being inside Angel but after they split she sort of possessed Fen. she gathered proof that she did not accuse him of assaulting her, and that he never did it anyway, so he ended up forgiving her and they worked towards rebuilding their friendship, which is currently going well. they still have some resentment for eachother, but they’re unhealthy so they ignore that.

Christy is strongest around Clara, so she sometimes hangs around her sister though usually she’s happy being faint around Thomas, and she’s really close with Ozzy now that he’s older. Ozzy is legally in the care of Issac, but he and Jordan are all too aware of the ghosts around them and don’t mind leaving him with his dad or sisters

also - the other spirits are at rest, but they CAN come back to the others and sometimes do. Zarria and Marco like hanging around Clara a lot, and Marco likes Fen too. Zarria’s a bit more unsure of him. she also wanders the school grounds a lot. Grayson just follows Zarria, Avery and Elijah visit Jordan often while Rochelle visits Issac. Freddy doesn’t like his dad very much but he is fond of Jordan also, so poor man sometimes has a hoard of dead children following him. Serenity hangs around Thomas and Ozzy, also her and Zarria do NOT get along. Colton just goes where Serenity does.

GOD THAT’S LONG. this took me SO long to type out omg 😭 i hope you enjoy this, the next one is NOT that long i swear.

also sorry for mistakes i am so sick of typing 🩷

Oh yeah that's VERY long, but man that story is just so good! I love ghosts and all things related to them, also are the two species mentioned also made up by you? If so, teach me some of your ways, I love them and I wish I had some good specie concepts!

It's also like two stories in one, amazing. And trust me, while I'm not saying a lot rn just trust me that I'm loving this, it's wonderful. I'm just getting pretty sick right now, so my brain's a bit smushed. But hey dead children! All good stories involve 'em /j

I like the good ending though, it's nice -w-

[onglai]

On Ali and self-worth

Ali is a character that I never thought I'd relate so much with. On first viewing all those years ago when the show came out, Ejen Ali was nothing more than a superhero cartoon show. While this wouldn't be the first time we've gotten a nuanced and complex characters in Malaysian animation history (Keluang Man, Anak-anak Sidek, Bola Kampung), Ejen Ali surprised me a lot when I went to rewatch it last year.

If you ask 16 year old me what kind of person Ali is, I'd describe him as a kindhearted and heroic kid who'll help anyone in need.

If you ask the current me, those are all still true... but in addition to that what I also see is a troubled kid who needs hugs. Lots of them.

This is going to be long.

Season 1

On the first few episodes, the show establishes Ali as a problem child. Right from the start, he is shown to be disorganized, lazy, and every undesirable quality you could imagine. His dad is distant, his mom is dead, and the only thing holding this miserable gremlin together is his sweet, sweet best and only friend Viktor.

And then comes this magical device that turns his life upside down and he lives happily ever after... not.

You know the phrase money doesn't corrupt but only amplifies what's already in someone's heart? Well, IRIS is the money in this case, and it amplifies Ali's inner insecurity. The first thing this little gremlin does after obtaining IRIS is to use it to get good marks and impress his classmates and teacher.

Being an emotionally neglected child he naturally craves attention, and nothing satisfies him more than when people give him exactly that no matter how. This ultimately reaches its climax when Ali uses his newfound fame during S1E10: Sensasi to farm his fans' adoration. He learns his lesson at the end of the episode, but this won't be the last time he goes out of his way to seek for others' approval.

This is why Rizwan is such an important figure in Ali's life. Regardless of the man's opinion towards him, Ali sees him as someone worth idolizing. The best agent in MATA, Charismatic to boot, the man is everything Ali wishes to be. And good for him, Rizwan is the perfect teacher.

Guy teaches Ali disciplines, doesn't put up with his childish sense of entitlement, and very much treats Ali like he'd do anyone. For the first time in Ali's life, someone actually sees him as his own person and doesn't demean nor overhype him.

Season 2

In this season, Ali meets the junior agents for the first time, and upon learning that they idolized him, he grows a bigger head. He starts pushing Alicia away, the only person who's looking out for his safety (her wanting to meet her dad's expectation is a discussion for another day).

Now, all this time Ali has actually been praised as an agent. He had his bad moments, but for the most part he believes himself to have contributed a lot to the agency, which isn't inaccurate. But this belief is what resulted in him doubling down in his insecurity when the mentors pointed out his flaws during his training with the other agents. He's already a nobody at school, and now comes another realization that he might also be a nobody compared to the other agents if not for IRIS.

This is where things take turn for the worse.

Again, Ali seeks to prove himself by disobeying the mentors and drags his new friends along as well. This turns out to be a bad idea when Ali watches Rizwan betray the agency and in his anguish starts attacking everyone after activating Override Mode. He later tries to deflect the blame towards IRIS which only makes the other agents hate him more.

Coupled with Rizwan's desertion and that he already burned his bridge with Alicia, he didn't have anyone to turn to anymore. In his pursuit for approval, he loses everything. This is the lowest point in his life.

Thankfully, Zain gets through to him and makes him see his worth beyond his skills, that he's helped a lot more people than anyone else has. This is a bandaid to the larger issue at hand, but it rekindles his spirit enough he can stand on two feet again.

On the flip side however, Alicia later choosing to stand by his side is likely the first time he receives (a form of) affection despite not doing anything to earn it. This is something that he'll finally learn later on during the movie.

Regardless, with Alicia's help, Ali began to take accountability for his actions and reformed his friendships with the other agents.

Movie

This movie is what happens when all of Ali issues accumulate to the point of no return.

This movie starts off with Ali realizing that he's no longer worth anything as an agent. Or rather, he's no longer the main character in the grand scheme of things. Feeling himself having been replaced by more experienced agents, this is where Ali adopts a new crutch to lean on... his mom's legacy.

On top of IRIS, a crutch that he's been holding onto to prove his worth, Ali is also burdened with Zain's expectation of him from the previous season. His excuse is that he wants to help people, which may be true to some extent, but it's obvious from the get-go that it's only one manifestation of his insecurity and self-worth issue. After all, if his MATA agent shtick doesn't have a point anymore, why not quit and start over.

Niki, whether she realizes it or not, capitalizes on this and convinces Ali to join her side. It doesn't help that the people from the slum see and appreciate what he's doing for them, which further incentivises him into staying. His growing resentment towards MATA and the likes of Dato' Othman pushes him further towards deserting the agency altogether. Alicia being his friend warned him of MATA's suspicion of him, but it's too late by then.

We've established before that for Ali, love and adoration always has to be earned before. In an ironic fashion, he runs away from Alicia, the one person who's stood by his side in his lowest point, to seek protection from someone he sees as a mother figure... who just so happens to only see him as a useful tool so long as he contributes to the slum. There is also a reverse-elitist undertone with how Niki treats him which is... yikes.

Niki betrays him and this slaps Ali hard in a lot of ways.

I wouldn't say Alicia's pep talk when they're trying to escape later is any better, cause god, ugh. Both of you need therapists. But for what it's worth, she teaches him one very valuable lesson; that he isn't alone. He has her, he has Bakar, he has so many people who care for him despite him being blind towards them.

Remember when Alicia stood by him in season 2? Well, she does it again and shows Ali that yes, love and loyalty doesn't need to be constantly earned. This is the turning point to Ali's worldview where he stops equating his worth to his usefulness.

At the end of the movie, Ali willingly gives up IRIS to make up for his mistake. But at the same time, we can see that he is much more confident in himself. He still has a need to prove himself, but starting from here, he does it in a much healthier way, as we can see in the following season.

Season 3

This is when Ali starts having a purpose. All this time, he's letting everyone else decide his worth, but after the events of the movie, he begins looking inward for acceptance of all that he is.

He knows he's weak, he knows he still has a lot to improve, so he focuses on that with his mother as his goal post.

Throughout the season, we can see Ali stumbling and standing up again. When he's caught in a hitch, he looks for help from others. This isn't something the old whiny Ali would've done. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, he picks himself up and strives to be a better version of himself.

From his new maturity, he also manages to resist peer pressure and doesn't antagonize the international agents like his friends do. It's no surprise that he ends up connecting with Sam the most, a direct reflection of his past insecurities. Of course he'd relate to a kindred spirit and help the guy climb out of the hell he's been through himself all his life.

When Ali loses IRIS to Alicia in the end, it is the best outcome anyone could've hoped for. Not because Alicia deserves it which she does, but because it symbolizes the end of Ali's dependency on cool shiny gadgets to make himself look like a somebody. Because he is already a somebody.

Conclusion

Ali's character growth throughout the series is simply phenomenal.

You know the Ali in season 1 and season 3 are the same characters but if you put them side by side you'll see that they're anything but. They're too different.

Ali's journey as a character may have been riddled with hiccups, but it's those exact hiccups that make us appreciate the person he's become.

Is he perfect? No. He's still flawed as any 12 year old is. He'll learn in time and that's okay.

[dynared]

Oh boy do I agree with your assessment that Skybound is able to execute its concepts much better than Earthspark! Despite Skybound technically being another G1 continuity, it feels fresh and original and fun, and DWJ has managed to take something old and turn it into something new, an area in which Earthspark failed somewhat. I mean, I respect what they tried to do, but due to so much being told rather than shown (ie, that one moment where Hashtag asked JB if Megatron’s harrowing story of redemption wasn’t the most beautiful thing he had ever heard? really felt like we were being told to like Megatron rather than simply shown a likeable Megatron, compared to those scenes with OP and the deer, OP saving Spike and a bunch of others with the Matrix, and him bonding with Sparkplug. It just feels more organic, ya know? And it lets the viewer form their own opinions without trying to constantly nudge them into thinking a certain way) made watching it very frustrating, and it felt like the writers were trying to tell us what to think about certain characters, and overall just not letting the story breathe and take shape on its own

Maybe it's just the differences between the mediums (namely the issue of budget for a CG show that reuses assets to save money), or maybe it's the quality and styles of the writers (Robert Kirkman and Daniel Warren Johnson are comic writers, first and foremost), but Skybound, throughout all of the Energon Universe, not just Transformers, has been very good at visual storytelling. Seeing reactions to events, having expressions and scenes tell the story in a way that if just described in the text would fall flat on its face, which in turn creates a richer world. Even in a book like the most recent issue of Cobra Commander, where the main battle is a battle of wits and words, the expressions, the surroundings, and the visuals create something that worlds alone, dialogue alone could not convey.

"Show, don't tell" is a basic tenant of writing, one that every writing teacher worth their salt will preach to their students. However, I can only blame so much of that difference on the medium. While Earthspark will never have the visual spectacle of the Skybound comics (there's a reason I want them animated by Studio Trigger) a lot of it is the writers themselves, who really want to beat the morals and messages of the story into your skull without any care for subtlety or nuance, especially Mae Catt, whose rejected script for a Drift episode had him married to Ratchet and debating a spiritual vs. pragmatic viewpoint with all the subtlety of a brick (and considering how badly Nightshade went over to the point the show got put on blast on Fox News, it's no wonder it was turned down and Catt was apparently let go for Season 2).

I'd forgive even that under the idea that it's a show for a much younger audience than the Energon Universe is for, but then you run into the issue of treating kids like morons, which kids hate. Even Marc Summers (host of Double Dare) pointed out on Quiet on the Set that the attraction of Nickelodeon to kids was that it didn't try to educate, talk down to, or preach to kids (which probably explains why he appeared so horrified at Dan Schneider's antics, but that's another story). Although noting that handicap that it's for kids goes back to a more obvious question, why would kids be invested in what's essentially a pseudo-sequel to a cartoon that ended its initial run of episodes in 1988, before some of their parents were even born? The franchise is literally 40 years old this year, and it's been 35 years since the last initial run of episodes aired, re-cut with a kid talking to a cardboard Powermaster Optimus Prime (while Japan was watching Star Saber battle Deathsaurus and his Decepticon forces). Why would kids connect to something they didn't see, aren't shown, and generally are only told in speeches why they should care about it? Skybound took the time to introduce everyone, in contrast, and make you care, even if you've been apathetic to the Robots in Disguise after years of poorly selling IDW comics that were only for a very specific subsection of a hardcore fan, and gave us reasons to care about the cast outside of the cast telling us why we should care.

Maybe Season 2 (which is going to air somewhere, Hasbro seems to have Paramount obligated to do so) will improve these issues, but I seriously doubt it. I just want Earthspark to finish at this point so we can get something else, even if, in a best-case scenario, an Energon Universe adaptation will take years to be feasible. At least Transformers One seems to be getting good feedback from test screenings.

[south-park-meta]

It's so infurating when u see ppl complaing about a sp fanfic,saying shit like this:

putting aside how ooc are those fanfic for every sp character and the fact that South Park is meant to be satire (with social commentary) and Stan is a fictional charater.

possible mind blowing statement ahead 🤯:

Parents loving & adoring their kids is not good enough to raise a child properly and to be qualified as a good father or parent, neither it excludes ppl from being abusive towards their kids.

(shocker,am i right? 🤯).

I know sp is satire but let's take the Marsh family serious, because as fictional as they are, family dynamics like that exist irl.

Randy influenced SO MUCH on Stan's life and why he became the way he is.

1. randy's alcholism and parentification:

parentification:  parents look to their children for emotional and/or practical support, rather than providing it.

earlier seasons when Randy and his drinking problems make him so unreliable as a person that his son became his caretaker,saving his father or acting as a mediator in Randy's problems... that isn't parentification or bad,right?

Oh,wait,nevermind.

2. Randy's behaviour:

Randy mocks/is harsh/ belittle or gets annoyed Stan when he disagrees with his actions, or gets in his way.

also not forgetting, if we take the Marsh's seriously, him brushing off despite being concerned like 5 seconds, that his son was going to cut his hand to prove his point wrong,also,understimating or thinking his son is naive or sm dumb shit.

not to mention,how Stan was going to perform with his band and his dad make it all about him by making his son,wear his dumb shirt to promote his weed,despite him not being comfortable?.

that if we don't count how Randy and denying Sharon the divorce bc that leads to money go to her, just bc she didn't like the farm (buddy,she's raising ur kids?? Tf) just to lead Stan to burn down the farm.

Stan shouldn't have gone bersek but how fucked as a parent and ur marriage problems have to be to drove ur child to a breaking point where the only solution he could think of to stop the fighting was setting the farm on fire? (Not to mention,that getting his old sister killed,then Sharon commits suicide and Randy blaming him for it).

Or when Sharon,Shelly and him bonded over Randy being in jail?.

Randy loves his kids,and he appreciates Sharon, but he can be selfish, and tends to have a lot of toxic traits that can come out as abusive, doesn't matter how much he loves Stan and Shelly, he is not a good father.

and it's so infuriating when ppl say "Stan doesn't have daddy issues" "Randy isn't abusive bc he loves his kids"

Because it's terrifying in a way,seeing how many ppl don't count mentally abusive parents as abusive parents or just bc they love their kids. Liane loves Cartman,does this mean she is a good mother? Hell no.

Stan and Randy can be fictional, and Sp can be satire, but you can see when someone dislikes a fictional character and mocks traits of mental illness or doesn't consider the X character to be a victim of abusive parents because of how the character acts or what they consider abuse.

It doesn't take the fact that many teenagers and young adults relate to or still relate to Stan—for his personality,some ideas,his childhood? his relationship dynamic with his parents.

Because abusive parents aren't always hitting you or neglecting you, they hurt you with backhanded compliments, understand you, hurt you emotionally with their harsh words, and make you their caretaker at a young age. Many kids feel like "Oh, I had to obey him because it's my parent", without realizing their parent was abusive, especially when you hold rage towards your father for being shitty, but then they act funny, sharing a good time and even telling you funny anecdotes back when they were in their college years, and you even question yourself if he isn't really abusive.

I know this, and I relate to Stan's relationship with his father,his childhood, as well as his depression and personality. Perhaps my dad doesn't have drinking problems but he is shitty as Randy is.

Ironic because the character I related to the most is from a satirical show.

I'm sorry I just need to let it out,because wtf

Tbh I'm not a big fan of the language of the folks who call it 'daddy issues' because I feel it's pretty condescending and dismissive, and intentionally so.

There's a difficult balance when it comes to fiction that the audience finds relatable, in particular with shows like South Park that are over-the-top and satirical. There are components of South Park that are very emotionally authentic and relatable, and there are components that are, effectively, shitposting. It's always going to be hard to have a legitimate dialogue about topics like abuse for a few reasons. The first is that people generally have a difficult time parsing toxic behaviors in relationships that are often shown as supportive-- Randy does spend more time with the kids/with Stan than the other parents, and he and Stan are more likely to be seen doing something nice for one another.

I think Bloody Mary is a good example, because they do seem to really want to spend time having fun together....but if you apply it to a real-world scenario, a substance abusing dad making his kid be his DD is, obviously, unhealthy. I think Stan and Randy are a great example of a toxic parent-child relationship BECAUSE there is still often love and support there. While I find it's deteriorated a lot in recent seasons, I'm much fonder of the relationship between them when there was clear affection and caring-- and was still not healthy. But the clear love between them is something that's going to make a lot of people gloss over the toxic aspects.

This is compounded by the fact that it's fiction, in particular because it's a cartoon. There are CLEAR elements of abuse all throughout the show, including clear elements of sexual abuse of the kids, that are regularly dismissed both in fandom and within the show itself. The tone the show sets often, but not always, determines the reading of the show by the fans: when abuse is treated seriously, it's more likely to be read as 'real' by the fans and viewed sympathetically, while when it's met with something like an eye roll, a nose pinch, what have you, by the characters in the show, it's not going to get the same level of analysis. If a character dismisses it, the fans largely equally dismiss it (even if presumably they wouldn't dismiss it in real life). In combining the last two points: I do think this is why people are more annoyed with Randy and Stan in particular. It has been criticized as being abusive more often recently, and it's because their relationship has actively deteriorated and Stan has been wanting to have less and less to do with Randy. So there's a bigger divide between the people who see the love in the earlier seasons and the people who see it as abusive.

And in Stan's case in particular, he is by and large the audience's proxy. He's the one that is most often the Point Of View character. Which is good and bad for reading him seriously, because he totally gets the most character building (yay for me as someone who loves him lmao), but it also leads to normalization of his experiences. Which is, presumably, intentional. After all, the audience isn't actually supposed to be regularly horrified by his life; it's a comedy above all else. And in some aspects it's good to show difficult home lives as normal. But the flip side is this normalization of events does often lead to the dismissal of them when being reviewed for meta purposes.

Finally on that note is that some fans are always going to be annoyed by serious analysis of a show like SP lol. Which, I do think the meta of it should be fun and with a pinch of salt. I've blocked a few people, and it's largely because I was getting 'actually' annoyed on my blog instead of having like, a fun debate or something. Whether you like taking SP as a pure joke and not reading into it, or you like reading into the interactions a lot, my advice is to disengage or actively block if you realize there's something that makes you not enjoy it.

All that said, yeah I do think people are dismissive of traumas when characters are being analyzed. I can't say if it happens more with Stan than not-- it probably happens more often with him relative to a lot of other characters being as he's a central character. But I do think there's a lot of annoyance at serious interpretations which in turn leads to being callous towards how people relate to those serious interpretations.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Shortages

So very briefly before I attempt sleep: the UK is currently having a fresh fruit and veg shortage, and the government is blaming weather and “transport problems” in Europe and Africa (apparently we’re not allowed to talk about Brexit in all this, even though Europe doesn’t seem to be suffering this level of shortage) and trying to flag up the benefits of seasonal eating. We’re supposed to cherish turnips, apparently.

The thing no one seems to get about ‘seasonal eating’ is this: THIS IS FEBRUARY.

Yes, in the days before we became a global economy, we would eat seasonally. The thing we did then that we do not do now is preserve all the fruit and veg so that we’d have enough variety to last us through the winter. We don’t do that anymore. We also don’t grow pineapples etc in greenhouses anymore, like we did in the Victorian era. Also, seasonal eating and “supporting our British farmers” is one thing, but unfortunately it doesn’t work because that shit gets expensive. We don’t do a lot of cash crops here, and we’re doing fewer all the time, because some things just aren’t selling. This means that the only farmers who do very much that’s not ... like, sugar beets or oats for oat milk are the small independent farmers, who are fighting inflation like the rest of us and have to price things according to how much more it’s costing to produce. With the way the economy’s been stacked, cash crops are the only way that the average person isn’t priced right the hell out of eating fresh fruit and veg at all. So most of us can’t “support our British farmers” because inflation’s got so bad.

So now we’re basically having fresh fruit and veg rationed the way toilet paper and hand sanitiser was during the worst of the pandemic, and this is expected to last for 2-4 weeks. This just keeps getting worse and I don’t know where it stops. I mean, hell, what are restaurants going to do? Most of them already took a heavy hit during the lockdowns; four weeks of produce shortages is going to break them.

People keep saying that the UK’s one of the richest countries in the world. However, that’s a) lying with statistics, and b) not going to be even close to true for much longer. I am so tired of these monsters in government that just keep expecting us to grin and bear it through everything they keep throwing at us to enrich themselves at our expense. I’m tired of looking at the news and having some weird mash-up of panic attack and abject despair, wondering what the hell I’m going to do now and having no answer. This isn’t something I can necessarily fix with more money anyway - not this time. Even small independent farmers aren’t going to have a lot of interest to sell in February, and even if they did, I’d have to go find a farmer’s market to get anything, and I am disabled.

I have no options here. I couldn’t live without the support I’m getting from my parentals in any country, and don’t have the funds to move anyway. The only issue is, I don’t know if I can live here even with support. I’m tired of feeling like this ... but there’s nothing to do but try not to think about it too hard and carry on as best I can. But fuck, it’s hard.

Also, I am not going to cherish turnips. I don’t even like turnips.

[manbehindthemask]

I'd love to hear the explanations behind some of the songs you choose for Jules as well

god you know i love talking about music i could kiss you on the mouth

here's the playlist i have for jules (so far)

I/Me/Myself - Will Wood

“While I whittle my bones until I’m brittle, am I pretty now? / For some reason I find myself lost in what you think of me / And too confused to choose who I should be”

Jules identifies as cis BUT he likes using ‘they’ pronouns every once in a while. He also plays a lot with gender when it comes to clothing and self expression, too. As confident as he appears, his childhood has left him with the desire to be accepted by others. He constantly yearns for approval because his mother never gave it to him.

Goodbye Horses - Q Lazzarus

“And I said, “Oh, no, sir / I must say you’re wrong / I must disagree, oh, no, sir / I must say you’re wrong / Won’t you listen to me?”

Jules tries to keep a positive outlook on life even though his positivity is usually beaten down pretty quickly by others. He’s also incredibly naive about the world and how dark it can be. Even when people argue with him, he believes there’s more to the world than darkness.

Season 2 Episode 3 - Glass Animals

“Leftover breakfast cereal for lunch / She’s broken but she’s fun”

Jules is a fun dude to be around but boy does he have internal emotional issues that have left him scarred. I also feel like this song reflects the sort of chaos that is Jules’ life, both in an impoverished stance and in general.

Savages - MARINA

“Is it running in our blood, is it running in our veins? / Is it running in our genes, is it in our DNA? / Humans aren't gonna behave as we think we always should / Yeah, we can be bad as we can be good”

Again Jules’ naive outlook on life often has him giving people the benefit of the doubt. He believes that at the heart of it all, people are good. Even so, he has seen the bad with his own parents, especially his mother. Deep down, he’s afraid of what people are capable of.

Inked in Red - Vision Video

“So here I go again, I’m crawling on my knees / Through the jagged era of uncertainty”

Reflects the way Jules travels to try and find meaning in life. Each piece he makes, he thinks maybe he’ll figure out what it’s all about and what he’s been put on this earth for, but each time he returns to being uncertain and looking again for that meaning.

Them Changes - Thundercat

“Why in the world would I give my heart to you? / Just to watch you throw it in the trash”

Jules wears his heart on his sleeve but people aren’t always nice to it. His parents were always distant if not abusive, and his ex turned on him the minute he admitted to being gay. When he falls for Jason, he’s terrified it’ll all happen again, but he trusts his gut.

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!! - MilkCan

“It was the 36th time that he'd broke my heart / It was the 80th time that I'd fallen apart / I knew from the start it was gonna be rough / But not as painful as this”

Jules never really learned a healthy way to handle his emotions when they’re not positive. He also is the kinda person to wear his heart on his sleeve, so it definitely gets broken often.

Dummy - The Regrettes

“I know you can't figure me out / Don't you wish you knew what I was talkin' about? / You got my tear stains on your shirt / I'm the worst, what a curse / But you don't have a doubt”

Jules is so, so emotional. Sometimes he can’t handle his own emotions and it is what causes people to push him away. He just wants people to like him but that's so hard to manage when you're just... emotional and vulnerable.

Lowlife - That Poppy

“Old suitcase, clean getaway / I'm the one who takes the blame again / New day but the same lines / I feel like a victim of the dollar sign”

It’s no secret Jules’ upbringing was not great, but once he was old enough to leave his home, he felt so free. He still has to deal with the weight of the world when it comes to having money to just survive from day to day, but it’s still far better than being home with his parents.

that's probably more than enough but you know me, i love an excuse to share some music <3

[1d1195]

SAM MY LOVE PLEASE DONT FEEL LIKE YOUR RESPONSE WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!! I honestly don’t care how long they may be, like the fact that you’re even acknowledging my asks is already so special to me! So if you ever don’t have the energy to answer, you really don’t have too! I won’t be hurt because you’re well being is far more important ❤️I’m sorry you were feeling a bit off :( I hope you felt better or are feeling better! Hopefully you don’t get sick right before your break!

Also side note when you mentioned sneakers with a wedding dress TELL ME WHY WHEN I THINK OF MILLENNIALS I THINK OF THIS! Like you mentioned side part and I didn’t even think to associate them with that up until this whole GenZ vs Millennial comparisons started to become a thing lol

ANWAYS now let me express my LOVE for toothpaste part 2! Once again you wrote such a good part! And omg this MC is BOLD bc I would actually EXPLODE from the embarrassment if I said that my dentist😭 but honestly I don’t blame her because if my dentist was Harry I would be so down bad it’s not a joke 😭 I loved how we got to read Harry’s pov from reading her file and seeing her for the first time! Ugh it was so cute like you know I love how obsessed each of your Harry’s are with their pairs! AND I LOVE WHEN HARRY GETS FLUSTERED!! It just does something to me that I love when the MC’s do that to him 🤭 AND THAT LAST LINE SAM I CRACKLED AHAH

So good bestie! Hope you are treating yourself well! -💜

NO BUT I LOVE SENDING YOU THOUGHTFUL MESSAGES.

I'm feeling fine! I have semi-chronic stomach issues. I think I (knowingly) ate something that I shouldn't have. It really didn't sit well with me. BUT I feel fine now 😂 BUT REALLY I ALWAYS GET SICK ON OR BEFORE VACATIONS. Ever since I was little. Fortunately I will only get my period during break this year. Lucky me 🙄 Pollen season is upon us though which will be stellar too ☠

I try not to do a whole lot of millennial/gen-z comparisons if I can help it but I will probably be buried in skinny jeans and I would rather be bald than do a middle part 😂 That's so interesting about the wedding dress and sneakers thing! I didn't really think of it as a millennial thing. I meant it as a me thing hahahahaha mainly because I used to DESPISE heels. I had some structural damage to my ankles due to sports and anything with a heel terrified me because I was scared of snapping my ankle again hahahaha but like I said last time, I'm such a wedge girl now so I would probs wear heels at my wedding.

SO glad you liked Toothpaste! I tried to write a version of myself I wish I could be (just slightly bolder than my current self I think--she was still a whiny baby last time about her toothache which was so me). I would never flirt with my dentist either--maybe if he was Harry, that I agree 💕 I have great ammo for my next part after my own trip to the dentist. I know it's part of his job but this man really stuck his whole finger in my mouth and massaged my cheeks and lips around my gum line. It's hard to explain but I either don't remember him doing it the other recent times I've been to the dentist or if I was paying closer attention since I was thinking about Toothpaste the whole time. Honestly it was hilarious when he did it, I was lucky I didn't laugh. Too bad I'll be making it sexual for Toothpaste and probably make it harder on myself when I have my next appointment in six months 😂 I love to make men flustered in general. Always keep them guessing, ya know? 🤭😉

Speaking of men, how is our hot TA?

I am def going to be treating myself to a shopping trip that I cannot afford but I don't care. I am in the mindset (for this weekend) that I am here for a short time and I need to enjoy myself while I can and the money will come back eventually.

Hope you have an amazing weekend and you get to do something fun again! 💕💕

xoxo

[ginjointsintheworld]

“After breaking up with Leyla and allowing her to stay in the apartment in the finale, Lauren relies on her friends for a place to stay and it doesn’t go as well as she hoped….Leyren fans should be prepared, there is a big shocker at the end of the episode that even I didn’t see coming.”

Okay the negative bitch in me says Leyla ends up moving back home to Pakistan or being married? Idk but with how much they love to spring surprises on the audience instead of building on current stories(also by how generally bitter the review is lmao)I’m guessing it’s something insane. Moving back would be heartbreaking but at least give us closure while a husband would just. Destroy any hope I have of the writers being sane and actually caring about Leyla/Leyren. Plus it’ll make Leyla haters act even weirder about Leyla than they already are. I know hardcore Leyren fans see some kind of plan but their storyline last season left a sour taste in a lot of peoples mouths(mine included but I personally felt like everyone was written OOC so I don’t even blame the characters like it’s just terrible,terrible,terrible writing. I mean giving Lauren money in a paper bag? What the actual fuck lmao. But yeah let’s say things go the hopeful route. Maybe Leyla asks Lauren to try again? Idk how that would be surprising unless they’re in a really bad place the entire episode though. Also, it’s been a year and a half(Luna was 3, she’s 5 now)and Lauren hasn’t found a place yet? Yeah NYC is expensive but Lauren the millionaire hasn’t found a place and has to room with a friend? Yeah ok😂the writers might as well just be honest with us rn and admit Bloomnolds is on the horizon LOL!!

anon 2: Leyla seeing someone else right now is terrible. Literally terrible I mean even if they get back together in last couple of episodes it will feel so cheap. Yeah she’s allowed to date whoever she wants but damn them together in Lauren’s apartment hurts. And knowing Lauren is still so in love with her? Since when would she do that! I guess this is the opener for Lauren to stay with her sister but they couldn’t think of anything else? anon 3: Lololol what a shame about Leyren. They could've left it open ended at 4×22. 🤷🏻‍♀️ anon 4: I’m so very disappointed in how Leyren ended up. I didn’t have a ton of hope after the bribe but I thought there had to be a method to the madness instead there was just more madness. I don’t get it, why put them through all that for such a useless ending? The bribe was one thing but the other issues they kept dumping on them was insane. Not to mention trashing Leyla in the end which makes me so sad. They could’ve let her go and had her be the one that got anyway but they decided to do this instead and I don’t get it.

let me just say, i emphatically agree with all of you about how disappointing it was that they wrote leyla out that way. i don't think the time between s4 and s5 was a long as 1.5 years, likely a couple of months. but agreed, leyla is allowed to date whoever she wants but did she have to bring the woman back to the apartment that belongs to her ex-gf who she knows is still in love with her 😭 doesn't this lady have her own place y'all can go to 😭 leaving that moment as the last time we physically see leyla too??? the next tidbit we get is that her visa cleared and she moved out and also transferred residency to a different hospital in NYC. it felt so sweeping things under the rug and move along for a relationship between two characters that spanned almost half the lifetime of the show. at least floyd and evie got a proper, even if melancholy, goodbye. i agree that if this was going to be the way they played it out, should've just left things at 4x22 and start 5x01 with leyla written out offscreen. the writers really did their best to leave us with a bitter taste in our mouths as a last impression of her character smh.

also how am i suppose to believe that leyla shinwari, who was always so conscious to be careful and respectful of lauren's apartment, the space that leyla once was part of the beginning of building a life there together, is now fine and dandy bringing over a new woman to the place that she knows she's staying as a guest??? i could've lived with this if they had kept her character around and actually let them slowly repair the foundation of their relationship through working together in the ED. but alas. then to throw salt in the wound, that interview from schulner after the episode that was just like 'yeah nvm the bribe irrevocably fucked them up.' like fuck off dog then what was the point of us going through the back half of s4 and the shitty mess that spiraled from that 😭???? you know what, maybe it's actually a small blessing that the writers didn't approach leyren getting back together in the finale episodes of the series. god knows how they would've fucked that up. i just hate that they fucked up canon so much that the fanfic writers lost all motivation to even do a fix it 😔✊

[theangelwithawand]

No actually.

First of all, Joel. He cheated on his pregnant wife. That’s the first thing we learn about him. But that’s not why I dislike him. I have way bigger issues. We learn that Midge said no when he asked her out, and he didn’t accept this. He tells her that their song is “You Belong to Me” which is so creepy. He judges her drink choice, saying he’ll “fix it”. Amaretto sours are known for not having a lot of alcohol, so it’s kind of concerning that he’s judging her for something that doesn’t lower her inhibitions. He criticizes Midge for things that aren’t her fault (show sweater, him bombing). He introduces the kids to Penny without Midge’s permission, then gets mad at her when Benjamin surprises her at the park. The first thing Midge says is that she needs to clear it with Joel, but Joel doesn’t believe her and just yells at her and accusing her of leaving him. The audacity and double standards are unbelievable.

He lies to her about having no money and not owning their apartment.

He plans to move across the country, knowing that he won’t see the kids. He brings his very young children to live in a factory which he himself points out is full of dangerous, flammable chemicals and sharp, heavy machinery. He doesn’t want Ethan to see a therapist when he’s having sleeping problems. Everyone forgets about these events, which bothers me because everyone rags on Midge’s parenting but never Joel’s.

He never apologizes for what he did. After he and Midge sleep together in 1.8, he acknowledges that he didn’t apologize, but never actually does. Then he has the gall to say that he left because she was “a lot” and claim that he “never really left”.

What’s also concerning is that the minute after Midge puts her rings back on, she starts measuring herself. Part of this is definitely just the time period and definitely her mother’s influence, but it’s interesting how the two correlate.

Deep down, Joel is an insecure child who can’t let his partner be better than him. That’s why he has that fight with Mei about the liquor license. He says in season 3, that he knows he likes “conductors” but then gets upset when they act like conductors.

When he sees Midge perform for the first time, he throws a fit because Midge is good. She tries to work it out, but he just walks away, then refuses to get back together because he’s insecure. To be fair, I do absolutely understand his position here, I just don’t like how he left Midge in limbo about it. (She mentions that he won’t return her calls). Yet, he still tries to tell her where to live because he’s controlling.

Now, I like him considerably better in seasons 3 and 4. His Catskills characterization is actually really great. His support of Midge in court is actually really nice, and I like that he comes to her defense with the panty pose picture. His support of her career is actually really great and his relationship with Mei is really interesting and does a lot to make me like him.

Then we get to the Vegas episode. They wake up together and he feels guilty because of his relationship with Mei. To be fair, I don’t think that this is cheating because it’s clear they haven’t had the exclusivity discussion. I also understand why he is frustrated with the situation, however none of that is any excuse for how he treats Midge. Midge is joking about the situation, since there’s obviously nothing they can do about it now. He tries to slut shame her for “entertaining herself on the road”. Now, Midge isn’t doing that, but even if she was, that is her business. And he is no position to judge promiscuity after having flings with all of the factory models in season 2. Once again, the double standards are absolutely ridiculous.

I do wish he had told Midge about the money situation with Susie, and I blame both of their characters for keeping this serious issue hidden.

In season Season 4, I like him. I like that he wants to support Mei. This is really when I started to engage with Joel. He has great moments in season 2&3, but Season 4 has them on display more often.

Then…we get season 5. He blames Midge for Mei leaving and ending the pregnancy, something that I already analyzed earlier. He acts like he deserves a medal for being concerned that Midge is owned by the mob. He’s trading pictures of his ex-wife (specifically revealing ones where she looks younger. Ew). But the thing that bothers me most, is the set that he does at the beginning of 5.2.

He degrades her onstage, mocking her for not spending enough time on his jockey shorts. She was busy raising your children and cooking your brisket asshole. The worst part is, he does it for revenge. He says “turnabout is fair play”. Midge never talked about him for revenge. She did it because she was sad and embarrassed and needed a way to vent, because there’s not a whole lot of people in Midge’s life that actually listen to her.

All that said, I think Joel is really interesting. Michael Zegen does a great job portraying Joel with complexity and humanity, and people who send him hate mail are…rude to say the least.

However, the reason I hate Joel from a narrative standpoint, is because Midge is never able to truly get over him. He is not good for Midge, and deep down, he’s a selfish, spoiled brat who is only happy when everything is perfect for him.

Yes I’m a huge MidgexLenny fan, but I knew that wasn’t going to work. I wanted to see Midge happy yes, but not in such a reductive way. I wanted to see her stop her dependence on Joel, see her independent and thriving. That’s why Joel’s double standards bother me. He doesn’t want to be with her, but he also doesn’t want her to move on. He can move on, but she can’t.

Secondly, I hate what they did with Susie.

The gambling thing resurfacing made no sense to me. It was never even implied that she started gambling again after she lost all of Midge’s money in season 3.

I hate the fact that she went to Joel she never told Midge about it.

I hate the way she wasn’t the one to get Midge out from the mob and never told Midge about the situation. I don’t like the direction they went in with Nicky and Frank. I liked it better when they were actually supportive of another Rockaways kid. I’m not saying that they couldn’t have asked to get a taste, but they could’ve done it another way.

I hate that Susie couldn’t get through to Midge in season 4. Susie from seasons 1-2 would never have let Midge tank her career like this.

Once again, Alex Borstein is phenomenal as the character. My issues come from how the characters are being written.

I have a lot of issues with Midge in seasons 4-5. Like a lot of people, I am disappointed with the current trajectory of the show.

However, when I share my thoughts, whether they’re positive or negative, I am doing so because I have opinions that I want to share. I am not trying to diminish anyone else’s enjoyment, but rather engage critically with media I care about.

Season 5 Episode 6 spoilers below:

Gotta love how Joel went behind Midge’s back to solve the problem with the mobsters. He could’ve shown her the book or went back to her to raise his concerns again now that he had tangible proof. But no. It’s Joel, so he has to lie and go behind her back about stuff that pertains to her own life. This man has learned absolutely nothing.

Also hate that he’s trading pictures of her in prison. He specifically asks for the panty pose picture which is so gross. He got mad at someone for having it in S3 but whatever.

I almost rage-quit when Midge said she was still in love with Joel. I still hate her romance plots this season. Gordon is gross. The stalker guy is gross. Joel still sucks. The guy literally blamed Midge for Mei leaving and ending the pregnancy. Yeah Midge was probably still a little jealous since Joel was such a huge part of her life, but there’s a lot of concern for her children driving it as well. “I don’t want them calling you mom.” Is a line that especially has a lot of insecurity behind it.

I guess the rest of the episode was okay. Unsurprisingly, Alex Borstein was great, but I am totally on Midge’s side in regards to her fight with Susie. Susie should’ve told Midge the truth.

I almost cried at the ending.

I miss Lenny. But that’s why we have fanfic.

Also, I know it was a joke, but Midge says she and Susie had sex in Pensacola and refers to their fight as a “break-up”…so…I want to see that story.

[thegeminisage]

john abused both dean AND sam, just differently. in this essay i will

prove that the abuse manifested in different ways for each of them because that’s how abuse works in real life. this is based on the fact that john saw dean as mary’s surrogate but once he found out about the deal and sam having demon blood he blamed sam for her death. ok let’s fucking go

dean as mary’s surrogate

there are loads of parallels made between dean and mary in early season spn and late season spn. in season 12 dean directly calls himself sam’s mother, but even earlier than that we see him doing the cooking and child rearing. compare that to all the parallels made between sam and john (both of them losing their blonde woman significant others in a ceiling fire) and it’s clear that dean was meant to more resemble mary. it’s not a stretch to say that if we can see it as viewers this is how john saw it in his actual life. i do think john loves dean for being dean but he loves him more for being mary.

sam as the reason behind mary’s death

i think once john learned that sam had demon blood, some part of him must have always been waiting for the other shoe to drop with sam, not ever fully believing this kid was human, and maybe not even knowing if this kid was HIS. a popular theory back in the day was that YED fathered sam (something they had to actually address in season 4 to stop the speculation), and if WE speculated that hard, surely john must have too. i’m sure he loves sam as an extension of mary, and keeps and raises and protects him BECAUSE he’s mary’s, but similarly (or maybe inverse) to dean, i don’t know if he ever fully gave himself permission to love sam for being sam. in fact, i imagine john harbors a lot of self-loathing for failing to save mary. if we directly parallel john and sam, that means by some extent he would also hate sam.

john trusted dean with far too much, and sam with far too little

dean knew about monsters; sam didn’t. dean had memories of their mother and the night she died, and shared that trauma of watching her die with john; sam didn’t. dean knew when john was supposed to be home and who to call if he wasn’t; sam didn’t. dean was given the money and the guns and the CAR ITSELF; sam wasn’t. dean was taught to drive; SAM WASN’T. 

dean was expected to do everything john was supposed to have been doing in his absence - he was to be a mother and father to sam, he was supposed to protect sam from evil, he was supposed to see to sam’s meals and homework and getting to school on time. and he was put under an EXTRAORDINARY amount of pressure not to screw this up even a little bit, despite the fact that he was only a kid. sam on the other hand was kept on a strict need-to-know basis for his entire life, right up until season 1 when they reunite at last. john didn’t trust sam with ANYTHING, and sam knew it. this contributed to his lifelong anger issues because he didn’t DO anything to warrant that kind of mistrust and probably got gaslit about it a lot of times either by john himself or dean (unknowingly, by parroting/believing the things john said). even in the pilot sam says very casually of his mother “she’s gone,” because her memory doesn’t hold the same place of reverence for him - best guess is that john didn’t talk about her much to sam because he didn’t trust sam with emotional stuff either. in s14 we learn that dean was the one who told sam stories about mary, including her terrible casserole - and their attempt at recreating it infuriated john to the point of him throwing the entire concoction in the trash.

john relied on dean for everything, and refused to rely on sam for anything

canonically dean was the one who comforted john after a bad hunt, looked after and fed his brother when john wasn’t around. dean knew how to use a shotgun; sam didn’t. dean knew who to call in an emergency; sam didn��t. dean knew about monsters; sam didn’t. this was done under the guise of “protection for sammy” but turn it around and it’s also protection FROM sammy. think of how angry john gets when he learns sam has been having psychic visions. he’s not just angry that dean didn’t report it to him, he’s angry that the demon’s plans for sam are coming to pass, and that sam is becoming less human. again, he can’t TRUST sam if sam’s not human, and it proves to john that he was right all along to keep sam in the dark as much as possible.

john gave dean too much freedom, and sam no freedom at all

“watch out for sammy.” sam was under constant supervision by either dean or john; john made sure of it. again, it’s protection FOR sam but also protection FROM him, in case he did something inhuman or evil. dean on the other hand was left alone without any supervision at all for days or even weeks at a time - he resorts to stealing bread and peanut butter and (according to jackles) turning tricks for money. he had to make it work and got up to whatever the fuck he wanted when john wasn’t looking. sam had to LITERALLY run away from home before he got the simple pleasure of eating pizza and having a dog by himself, independently. dean was given too much independence and freedom but sam was kept on such a short leash he had none at all.

john made dean feel unworthy, and he made sam feel unclean

when dean fails to protect sam from the shtriga in the season 1 flashbacks, he says his dad looked at him differently after. he also implies that john physically beat him when sam ran away in flagstaff. whether he meant to or not, john made it abundantly clear that his love for dean was not unconditional; it depended very much on how well dean performed the multitude of tasks john assigned him. dean grew up believing that his only worth was in what he could do for other people. he demonstrates this an an adult over and over and over, from letting his possessed family members beat him up to refusing to take care of his own needs, emotional and otherwise, and snapping at people who try to talk to him about his own feelings.

on the other hand, sam talks in season 8 about how even at a very young age he felt impure and unclean, even before he knew that he had demon blood, even before he knew that there was any such thing as monsters. kids aren’t stupid, and sam picked up on the vibes john was putting off - that john didn’t trust him, might not have loved him, and might not have considered him human or even his own child. without even knowing why, he spent his entire life feeling unclean and inhuman, not worth of being loved by his own family. even dean, who we all know loves sam unconditionally, admits in season 14 that he often took dad’s side on arguments because he had “his own stuff,” further leading to the alienation that was sam’s constant companion growing up. 

AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY:

JOHN’S ABUSE PITTED SAM AND DEAN AGAINST EACH OTHER

john saved dean after their shared trauma of mary’s death. dean says in season 1 that the reason he stopped talking was that he was scared. iirc john’s journal implies he was mute for over a year, and dean in season 2 says that when he was 6 or 7 his dad took him shooting for the first time. if mary died just before dean’s fifth birthday, the timeline works out to dean talking again because john took him shooting. i believe that dean hero worships his father because after mary’s death, and dealing with the terror that something like that could come in and take his family away by killing them horribly at any time without any warning, john learning to fight back against the darkness - and teaching dean to do the same - is what gave dean his voice again. BOTH of them saw and carried the memory of mary burning on the ceiling for the rest of their lives. “watch out for sammy” and “get the thing that killed mom” were dean’s reasons to get up in the morning, because they were john’s reasons to get up in the morning. these things were LITERALLY his reasons for living. john gave dean a way to fight back against fear and gave him a cause to keep him going. abuse or not, dean never stopped being grateful for that, and he was the only other person in the whole world who understood the unique horror of what john went through that night. even all the way into season 10, he tells other people that john did right by him. it’s borderline brainwashing. part of dean’s self-worth will always be based on how good of a son he was to john.

on the other hand, knowingly or not, john did everything possible to alienate sam. he kept him on a short leash while also keeping him at arm’s distance. he didn’t trust sam with emotional things like the memory of mary, he didn’t trust sam with the truth about monsters and what they did for a living, he didn’t trust sam with his plans, he didn’t trust sam with the truth about demon blood. canon STRONGLY suggests john knew YED bled in sam’s mouth as a baby, but instead of telling sam or even dean about that, sam had to learn about it in a horrible flashback recreated by YED himself. when sam wanted to go to school, john told him no, and when he left anyway, john told him not to come back.

this is an equal but opposite kind of abuse. john totally fucked up BOTH his kids in complete inversions to each other.

which means that, no matter what john did, it caused sam and dean to fight. this isn’t an interpretation. this is straight up canon.

again, dean says in s14 that he frequently took dad’s side in arguments because he had his own stuff to deal with, and he was trying to keep the peace. dean, a victim of emotional (and implied sometimes physical) abuse himself, was not able to shield sam from all of john’s bullshit. he could stop sam from getting hit and having to see john during the worst of his drunken rages, but he couldn’t trick sam into thinking john loved him unconditionally, because john didn’t love either of his kids unconditionally.

when john acted in a way that was not befitting of a parent, sam rightfully took exception, which forced dean (who was ALSO BEING ABUSED, almost brainwashed) to jump to his defense. that led to john getting to do whatever the hell he wanted and sam and dean arguing about the effects. when sam ran away in flagstaff, DEAN was punished, leading dean to resenting sam for that incursion, even though sam was perfectly right to want to get away from an abusive household. when sam did a normal thing wanting to leave for college at age 18, he left, and dean resented him for that because that meant he was alone to bear the brunt of john’s anger. 

sam repeatedly made logical, emotionally healthy choices in attempting to break the family dynamic, but because of JOHN’S BEHAVIOR, not sam’s, those choices wound up causing dean harm. JOHN HIMSELF was the ultimate wedge between sam and dean growing up and beyond.

and let’s not forget the biggest sin - john spent 22 years impressing upon dean that taking care of sammy was EVERYTHING, and then without any explanation at all, he asked dean to kill him, and then he DIED, which meant dean had to carry that weight by himself (because again, he’s been trained not to trust sam with things). like of COURSE sam got angry when he found out - that’s fucking fucked up! once again sam is being treated like a ticking time bomb for absolutely no reason - he didn’t ask to have demon blood or psychic visions or a dead mom or an abusive father. nor did dean ask to be saddled with the upbringing of an entire human at four years old who he then might have to kill. because dean will always feel gratitude towards john, and sam will always feel resentment, and because based on john’s treatment of them BOTH OF THESE FEELINGS ARE JUSTIFIED, john continues to cause fights between sam and dean long after he’s dead and gone, and that will never change.

on a final note: i’d like to bring this around to season 13.

after cas, mary, kelly, and crowley all die (or are presumed dead in mary’s case) in the season 12 finale, season 13 opens with nobody but sam and dean and jack. dean directly blames jack for these deaths. he says so multiple times. he says where jack can hear him that he knows jack is evil and impure and cannot be saved and calls jack a freak. when jack tries repeatedly to kill himself dean says to jack’s face not to bother, because WHEN jack does go bad, dean will be the one to kill him. dean does NOT see jack as castiel’s child - he sees jack as someone who brainwashed cas and kelly both and got them killed. dean does not even see jack as a human person worthy of life. from the get-go, all he wants is to put jack down. jack is born into a world shaped by pain and grief and anger, where people hate him simply for what he is and who died to get him here. 

and again, sam identifies hard with jack. he justifiably protests dean’s treatment of him. jack is a kid and didn’t ask for any of this. jack is terrified of dean. sam reminds dean that john said all these things about sam that dean is saying about jack. john is still causing a rift between his sons over a decade after his death.

eventually, after jack uses his powers and brings back cas from the empty, dean pulls his head out of his ass and admits that he was wrong. he calls jack his kid more than once, and jack refers to dean as one of his dads. but the damage has already been done. jack struggles multiple times with his powers, accidentally hurting people and then wishing himself dead after. he also struggles without them; even when using his powers means using up pieces of his soul, he does it, because dean taught him that he’s only worthy of being loved and trusted if he’s “good.” even when he has NO SOUL, when jack does something bad he panics about it and seeks to undo it at any cost. that’s how deep the damage runs.

i see a lot of people remarking that in the arc of 13.01-13.05, dean became john, and i agree that he did. but dean didn’t do to jack what john did to him. dean did to jack what john did to SAM.

[spn masterpost]

[study-coffee-chicago]

Seasons of Med: Season 2 and Seasons of PD: Season 4: Necessities, Love, & Care (A Halstead Brothers + Halstead Sister! Imagine)

Your age: 15

Jay's age: 29

Will's age: 31

You were currently sitting at the library, trying to figure out how you'd get food for dinner. It was January and you had run out of your Christmas money two weeks ago and you had burned through your money from helping with kettle corn at the beginning of December. Right now you were SOL: Shit outta luck.

Your mind wandered back to the last day you had helped working the kettle corn stand when it was a dreary late October day.

"We have kettle corn, caramel corn, cheddar, Chicago style, and a few other flavors," you explained to a customer. She picked up a medium bag of caramel corn. "That one?"

"Yes, dear. Me and my husband love this stuff," the old lady said.

"I'm sure. It's really good! It'll be six dollars." She pulled out a five and two ones. "I'll be right back with your change."

"Oh, no, keep the change, dear. Thank you for the popcorn."

"You're welcome. Have a nice day."

"Y/N," Emma said to you. "Can you grab me a lemonade from the cooler?"

"Just one?"

"Yup, just one."

You grabbed it from the cooler and were about to pass it to her when you saw who her customers were: Jay and Erin.

"Y/N?" Jay asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Working," you answered quickly. "Little bit of extra money never hurt anybody. The real question is, what are you doing here? I know Erin hates being outside when the weather is crappy."

"It's because he's annoying when he whines and begs to do something, so I figured it was just best to give in," Erin answered.

Jay rolled his eyes. "God, I can't win with either of you. Why do you always gang up on me?"

"Because, Halstead, us girls gotta stick together," Erin laughed.

"Okay, okay, fine. Y/N, what popcorn should I get?"

"First of all, it's kettle corn," you corrected. "And, I suggest the cheddar. Or, if you want a combination of both salty and sweet, then get the Chicago style. It's cheddar and caramel."

"Me and Erin like sweet, but I know you. You like cheddar. And you'll pick out the cheddar pieces when you're at my apartment, so I'll get the Chicago style."

"Or," Erin started as she picked up a large bag of caramel and a large bag of cheddar, "We could get this big bag of caramel, and then you could have this bag at your apartment for Y/N. That way the flavors aren't touching."

"Erin Lindsay and not liking her food touching. Fine, we'll take what Erin suggested and one lemonade."

"One or two straw holes?" Emma asked, picking up the lid-punching tool.

"One's fine," Jay answered.

"They swap enough spit as it is," you whispered to Emma, causing her to laugh.

"What'd she say?" Jay asked.

"I can't tell you. It's a secret."

He huffed. "Fine. Keeping secrets from your big brother? That's cold Y/N, that's cold."

"So you're saying you never kept secrets from Will?" Erin asked.

"I have the right to remain silent."

"Exactly," Erin said. "How much does he owe you?"

"Excuse me? I didn't know I'd be the one paying for all of this."

"You were the one who dragged me outside, so yes, you are paying, Halstead. Now, get your card ready."

Jay rolled his eyes and pulled out his wallet. "How much?"

You did the math in your head. "$23."

"Emma, can you check her math?" Jay asked and you rolled your eyes in his lack of faith in you.

"$10 for the cheddar and $8 for the caramel makes $18...plus $5 for the lemonade...yup $23."

You handed him the card reader. "And now it's just going to ask you a few questions," you told him after his card went through.

Without allowing him to read it all the way through, Erin hit the tip and no receipt buttons. "Hey!" Jay exclaimed.

"Don't blame me! You were the one who wanted me to come out here!" She turned to you and took the bag of kettle corn as Jay picked up the 32 oz lemonade. "Thanks, Y/N!"

"No problem! Just make sure he doesn't buy any more paintings of motorcycles!"

Man, how you wished you could work that job right now because it was only for a few hours on the weekends. But, it was winter now, so there were no street fairs, farmers markets, or festivals going on. Because of this, your money had run out. You'd have to do what you'd have to get yourself some food, even if it would leave you with a guilty conscience.

With that in mind, you got up and left the library.

***

"Pop's been complaining of chest pain and refuses to go to the hospital," Jay told his older brother as he walked through the front door and into the living room.

"Of course he did," Will grumbled. Then, he turned to his father. "This won't take long. Unless it's bad. Then you'll have to come with me and actually go to the hospital this time."

"You can't force me to do anything," he argued as he watched his oldest son open up his medical bag.

"Just let him do his job. He knows what he's doing," Jay agreed with Will. Then, he remembered something. "Where's Y/N?"

"At school."

"At school? At 5 pm?" Jay asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Sometimes she stays after school and does homework. She's always home before it gets too late so I don't ask."

It's not like Jay and Will could have known this, though. Yes, you would talk and they're obviously there for you because they're your brothers, but your dad's parenting skills--or lack thereof--hadn't ever come up. You'd get together with your brothers once a week, but it was usually at one of your brothers' places. They rarely came inside your and your dad's place.

"All units, we have reports of a robbery at 3020 East Main Street. Assistance requested," Jay's radio stated.

Jay looked to Will, silently asking if it was okay for him to take it. "I've got it from here."

"Thanks, man," Jay said, clapping Will on the back and leaving the house.

He drove to the small corner market that had made the call. It was only a block away from where you and your dad lived, but despite it usually being somewhat slow, today it was even slower. There was only one car parked in the lot, so Jay was confused as to who would even rob this place.

He put on his vest and walked into the store. "Got a call about a robbery," he said to the store manager as he entered.

"Yes, right over here."

He led Jay over to where a girl was sitting on a stool, tears rolling down her face. She held a box of pasta, a loaf of bread, and a small jar of peanut butter. Her coat was unzipped, revealing the tampons and pads she had stuffed inside her coat after she had ripped open the box.

"Y/N?" Jay asked in disbelief. "What are you doing? What were you even thinking?"

"I- I'm sorry," you sniffled.

Then he turned to the store manager. "You called the cops on a fifteen-year-old girl for grabbing what looks to me like necessities?"

"I've let her go the past two times when she needed things, but today she didn't have the money, so I couldn't let it slide."

Jay threw $30 in the man's hand. "There. Now it's all paid for." He turned to you and took the loaf of bread. "C'mon."

You followed him out of the store, waiting to be yelled at as you entered his truck, but it didn't come. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he handed you the bread. "Why? Why did you do this?"

"There- There's barely any food in the house. I was just hungry."

Jay looked you up and down. He hadn't been really looking for changes in weight like he told Natalie he would do six months ago. He kept it up for a few months and then winter came around and it was hard to tell because of bulky jackets and sweaters. But, now that he actually looked at your face and hands in an investigative manner, it was clear as day: You had lost even more weight.

"And the other stuff?" he asked.

"Dad won't buy them for me. Says that they're too expensive and to just use something else. He said that if he had had a son he wouldn't have to worry about it, like it's my fault. Usually, I take some from school, but I ran out and I needed them."

"And the food?" Jay asked as he started driving back to his childhood home.

"I get breakfast and lunch at school, but I have to eat dinner at home. And on weekends I just skip meals and eat breakfast and dinner."

"What? What about Dad?"

"He gets takeout or he goes to the bar and isn't home until late."

Jay sighed as he pulled into the driveway. "Go pack a bag, kid. You're staying at my place until further notice."

"Really? I thought you guys forgot about me?"

"We could never forget about you. It's just, work has been busy for both of us. So, sorry if these last few times we've all been together for dinner have seemed a little rushed. Now, go inside and grab your stuff while I have a chat with Will and Dad."

"Dad, Will," Jay said after you had run upstairs and they were sitting on the couch. "I need to talk to you. In the kitchen."

"Really, Jay. Why can't it be here?" your dad grumbled. "First he--" He pointed to Will. "Wants to take me to the hospital because he said I have a valve issue and now I can't even have a conversation with my sons while sitting down?"

"Just get up, dammit!"

The three entered the kitchen and sat down, but Jay stayed standing. "Jay, what's going on?" Will asked.

Instead of answering his older brother, Jay just opened the fridge. There was a half drank gallon of milk, a jar of grape jelly, and a can of pasta sauce, along with other condiments, and a lone egg sat on a shelf. "This? This is what you expect your daughter to eat? I caught her stealing from a store just so she could get food and tampons!"

"Well, I'm not gonna pay for it."

"Excuse you?" Will exclaimed, eyebrows raised in surprise. "What do you mean you're not paying for it? She's your daughter, isn't she? Then you have a legal responsibility to feed her, make sure she has shelter, clothes, and goes to school!"

"She can go get a job."

"She is fucking fifteen!" Jay yelled. "She doesn't need to be worrying about where her next meal is coming from! She's supposed to be worrying about getting a good grade on a math test or if that boy likes her or not, but not that!"

"She needs to learn to grow up someday. And she won't if you boys baby her like you always do whenever you see her."

"Baby her?" Will yelled, disgusted. "She's a kid. She needs to be babied sometimes. She needs fucking food and a nice home to come home to, not whatever the hell you think this is."

"It hasn't been a home since your mother died."

"Yeah, we gathered that," Jay scoffed. "But you don't have to take it out on her."

"Jay," your small voice said from the doorway into the kitchen. All three men looked over to you, your backpack on your back, a duffle bag slung over your shoulder, and your favorite blanket wadded up in your hands so that you could carry it without it dragging on the ground.

"Ready to go?" Jay asked, his voice immediately softening.

"Uh, yeah," you answered, unsure of how your dad would react.

"What do you mean ready to go?" Pat Halstead asked, standing up from where he had been previously sitting at the table. "She's not going anywhere!"

Will rushed over to you, placing a hand on your shoulder while Jay stalked over to be face to face with your dad. "She is coming with me until further notice. You're lucky I don't arrest your ass for child neglect!"

"You wouldn't do that to your own father!"

Jay pulled the cuffs out of his back pocket. "Oh yeah? Try me."

He sat back down and Jay turned to you. "Here, let me take that." You handed him your duffle bag and followed him and Will outside.

"Jay, I gotta go. I gotta get Dad to Med to get the valve fixed. And, I said one hour out of the hospital tops and it's been two."

Jay closed the truck door once you were safely inside with all your stuff. "Good luck trying to get Dad to go the hospital," he scoffed. "Get going. Don't give Goodwin another reason to fire your stupid ass."

"I'll call an ambulance if I have to." Then, Will smacked Jay upside the head.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"You know what it was for. And, I'm your older brother, it's my job."

"I'm your older brother, it's my job," Jay mocked. "But, in all seriousness, do me a favor and make sure Y/N's all caught up on her immune- immune--"

"Immunizations?" Will laughed.

"Yeah, those."

"I'll do that. And if she's not, I'll give them to her tonight when I come over to your place after my shift is done...which will be in like two hours...depending on how much of a pain in the ass he is to get in the hospital."

Jay nodded, and then got in the truck, both of you making your way to his place.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," Jay said after you had put your stuff down by the couch. "You have homework?"

"Yeah," you looked down, not wanting to even try and struggle through your homework...or have Jay sign the slip that said that you failed your last test.

Jay smiled. "I'll help you with it when I'm out of the shower, okay, kid?"

"How'd you know--"

"That is the universal facial expression of I need help, but I don't know how to ask for it. I'll be ten minutes tops."

And so, you tried to struggle through your homework for ten minutes. But, you ended up working and reworking the stupid algebra problem. Why did math need letters anyway?

"Okay, I'm back," Jay said as he pulled a chair out to sit next to you. "What are you workin' on?"

"Can you sign this first?" you asked, sliding the yellow paper over to him along with the pen. You hoped he'd just sign it blind, but as you saw his eyes skimming the page, you knew that wouldn't happen.

"Did you try your best?" he asked as he slid the piece of paper back to you after signing it.

"What? Yeah, of course, I did."

"Okay, then we'll figure something out. Now, how about we eat some dinner? I've got pizza in the freezer. That okay?"

"That's great," you answered.

Jay got the pizza in the oven while you went and changed into your pajamas. You decided it was in your best interest to have Will help you with your math homework.

***

"Ah! The man of the hour!" Jay exclaimed as he pulled out the pizza and Will entered the house.

You immediately noticed the red bag he was carrying over his shoulder and the two king-sized Twix bars.

"Why do you have your medical bag?" you asked.

"How did you know this was my medical bag?"

"I'm not stupid, Will."

"Okay, so you're all caught up on your shots, but I need to do a blood draw because I need to see if you're deficient in any vitamins and minerals. Have you been eating enough fruits and veggies?" he asked.

"Probably not as much as I should," you admitted. "They're too expensive unless I get the canned kind and I don't like those unless it's canned peaches. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Short Stack. None of this is your fault. You hear me? None of it. I just need to take the blood and then get it sent to the lab to see if you need to get any specific pills to get your vitamin and mineral levels up."

"Okay. Does it hurt?" you asked. You knew what a shot felt like, but you'd never had your blood drawn before, so you didn't know what it felt like to have a needle in your arm for a long time, taking blood. You knew what it felt like to have an IV in from when you passed out at the movie theater, but you didn't know if this needle would be the same size or bigger.

"You just feel a slight pinch at the beginning."

"Like getting a shot?"

"Like getting a shot," he confirmed.

"Hey, I was thinking," Jay started as he reappeared from the kitchen area, "what if we have celery and carrots with ranch for dinner, too? You know, like when we eat chicken wings at restaurants and they bring you some veggies, except we'll have ours with pizza."

"Okay," you agreed. "I like ranch."

"So does everyone in the midwest," Will joked.

"What's the medical bag for?" Jay asked. "She needs shots? And, what's with the Twix bars?"

"No, I'm drawing her blood to see if she's deficient in anything. And, there's one Twix bar for her and one for you because we all know how you feel about needles, Jay."

Jay rolled his eyes. "We doing this before we eat?"

"Yes. And, I need you to answer some questions for me, Y/N. These are strictly doctor protocol questions, okay? You don't need to be embarrassed about any of the answers."

You nodded.

"Okay," Will started, "When did you last eat? Just need to write it down for fasting glucose levels."

"Um, lunch at school, so around noon."

"So, six-hour fast," Will scribbled down on a piece of paper. "Next one, are you sexually active?"

"Will!"

"It's just standard protocol, just in case I need to test for STDs."

"No, I am not. Next question."

"Okay, last one: When was your last period?"

"You've got to be kidding me. I'm not pregnant, I haven't had sex!"

Will chuckled. "It's not for that. Sometimes when people are deficient in vitamins and minerals, they can lose their period for months at a time, signaling that their body isn't healthy. The medical term is amenorrhea." But, what he wanted to say was that when girls are underweight, this can also happen. And, from seeing how baggy your sweatshirt and jeans were on you, he assumed that you'd lost ten pounds since last going to the doctor when you passed out in the movie theater parking lot, making your weight loss a grand total of 25 pounds, which would qualify you as being underweight.

"Oh. I started today."

"Okay, good to know. Any changes in length or heaviness of menstruation?"

"I swear, I'd rather have Natalie or April be asking me these questions," you grumbled. "But, yes, it's a lot lighter and it went from me having my periods for five days to two days. Can we please stop talking about this now?"

"Yeah, we're all done. Sorry about that, but it's protocol."

"Says the guy who's drawing my blood at Jay's apartment instead of in a hospital, where it should be done."

"Hey, I've worked in much worse conditions than this in Sudan. How much water did you drink today?"

"A lot."

"Okay, good." Will started to unzip his medical bag. He passed a Twix bar to Jay. "Here, eat this and focus on it so you don't focus on the needles and then freak out."

Jay rolled his eyes, but took the candy bar and unwrapped it.

"Do I get one?" you asked.

"Once I draw your blood, yes, the other one is for you. Now, right or left arm?"

You held out your left arm and Will moved to the other side of you so he had a better angle. He sanitized his hands and then snapped on a pair of gloves.

"So, what do you do?" you asked. "I've never had my blood drawn before."

"I just tie off your arm so that I can get the veins to show a bit better, wipe down the spot with an antiseptic wipe, stick the needle in, and then wait for the vial to fill up."

"That's it?"

"That's it. Can you make a fist with your left hand for me?"

You did as Will told you and then he tied a band around your bicep and started touching the inside of your elbow, trying to get some veins to show. He furrowed his eyebrows and moved down your arm, rubbing your forearm and then going back up to the crook of your elbow and gently pressing there.

"What's wrong?" you asked.

"You just have really small veins is all. I could take the blood from the big vein in your forearm, but I don't really want to do that one since it's so big. Can you squeeze your fist tighter for me?" You did as he said while he kept pressing on the crook of your elbow. "There we go. Got one. Now, turn and look at Jay while I get the needle ready."

You looked at Jay and tried not to laugh. "You okay?"

"Me? I should be asking you that," he replied. "You're the one who's about to get stabbed with a needle."

"It's just that you got some sweat on your forehead. You look nervous."

"They're needles. They're tiny little sharp metal objects and if one breaks off--"

"Jay, respectfully," Will started, cutting off his brother, "shut the hell up, so you don't scare my patient. You might just want to look away instead of watching me. Then you might feel fine." Then, he turned back to you. "Okay, Y/N, keep looking at Jay. Close your eyes if you want to. You're going to feel a small pinch."

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. Then, you squeezed your eyes shut tightly and grit your teeth, trying not to yell out as the needle pierced your skin.

"Hard part's done," Will said. You nodded, still keeping your eyes closed.

"That was not a small pinch," you retorted about a minute later.

"Sorry."

You opened your eyes and watched as the blood flowed from your vein into the small tube that was hooked up to the needle.

"I thought you hated blood," Jay pointed out. "And here you are, watching the entire process."

"I'm fine when it's my blood if it's not a huge, deep cut," you explained. "It's other people's blood I don't like."

"Well, that takes any job in the medical field off your career choices," Will said.

You sat there for a few more minutes, waiting for the vial to fill up. Will pressed on your arm, close to the needle, to see if more would come out. "This vein is really small," he said.

You watched as the blood coming into the tube started becoming slower and slower, in what looked to be bubbles.

"Just a little more," Will muttered.

You started taking deeper breaths as you felt sweat start to bead on your forehead.

"Okay, let's see how much this gave me." He pressed his thumb above where the needle was and you turned back to Jay as he removed the needle.

Then, he got the blood into the vial. "Bad news," he started, "I might need to take more. Let's see how much extra there is." He put the extra into another, smaller vial. "Yeah, this one clotted too, so bad news, we need more."

You nodded and closed your eyes, feeling your face get hot and starting to feel lightheaded. You pinched the bridge of your nose, willing this uncomfortable feeling to go away.

"You doing okay?" Will asked.

"Yeah," you answered.

"Okay, I'm gonna do your right arm this time." You held your right arm out to him. "Make a fist for me." You did as he told you and he tied the blue band around your bicep.

But, you were getting even dizzier. "Actually, can I get some water? I feel dizzy."

"Course," Will said. "Jay, can you get her some water and juice if you have any?"

"Apple juice good?"

"That's fine," you answered.

Will untied the band from your bicep. "We're just going to wait a few minutes until you feel less dizzy before I take more blood, okay?"

You nodded and took the water from Jay when he came back.

"Let's have the juice after I finish," Will suggested after a few minutes had passed and you finished the water. "Feeling better, Short Stack?"

"Yeah, let's get this over with." Your forehead was still a bit sweaty, but you were a lot less dizzy.

Will repeated the same process as the last arm and it went a lot faster. Turns out he picked a bit bigger vein in the crook of your elbow of this arm than he did the other one.

"And, we're done," Will said as he capped the vial.

He handed you the juice. "Thanks," you said. "That was not fun."

"I bet. At least you didn't pass out. I've had a few patients do that when I went through my clinicals. That's why normally when someone gets their blood drawn, they sit in this chair where something is flipped down in front of them so they don't fall out of the chair just in case they pass out."

"Jay, do you pass out?" you asked.

He scoffed. "No. I don't even get dizzy. My body doesn't react like that."

"He just breaks out into a sweat whenever he sees needles," Will whispered, loud enough for Jay to hear.

"Hey! I heard that! Take one more jab at me and you won't be getting any pizza, Will. I mean it!"

Will held his hands up in a mock surrender while you finished up your juice. Then, Will started to pack up his medical stuff and Jay brought the pizza and veggies and ranch out, along with plates of course.

You ate your pizza while Will helped you with your math homework. Once you finished two slices of pizza and some celery and ranch, you said that you were done.

"You sure?" Jay asked. "You can have as much as you want."

"I'm good. Gotta save some for tomorrow." Your eyes widened as you realized what you had just said. "I'm gonna go take a shower. It's been a long day."

"Okay, clean towels are in the cabinet in the bathroom where they always are," Jay said, trying not to react to what you had just said even though he knew exactly what you were doing.

You were rationing food.

"Fuck," Jay said as he put his head in his hands when he knew you were in the bathroom and out of earshot.

"What? What did she mean by gotta save some for tomorrow?" Will asked.

"She's rationing it. I used to do it in Afghanistan. Save some of my MRE and put it in my pack to eat the next day if I was on a long trek and we knew we wouldn't get back to base. It would be cold and usually disgusting, but I'd choke it down because it was calories and I needed fuel to be sharp in case we came in contact with combatants."

"Poor kid. At least we had Mom."

Jay nodded. "What happened with Dad at the hospital?"

"Had to have a mitral valve replacement because his wasn't working properly. Told him over and over to get his checked regularly, but he didn't because he's stubborn. He went for the non-surgical option first, but then there were complications, so Rhodes performed surgery. He's fine."

"That's good... I guess." Jay glanced around and he saw your duffle bag sitting outside the bathroom door. You had grabbed your clothes to bring them into the bathroom and left your open duffle bag by the door.

Jay stood up and started walking towards it.

"What are you doing?" Will hissed.

"I need to see if she's got anything else in there that will help prove neglect. I'm assuming it needs to be proved...I only know criminal court cases, don't know much about family court cases."

"What do you mean family court? You're going to fight Dad to be able to take care of her?"

"Yeah, I'll fight to be her legal guardian. Unless you want to do it. My loan went through for a new apartment, which has two bedrooms, so I figured I might be better suited."

"Go ahead. You'd probably have a better chance anyway because you were around more when I was in New York."

Jay nodded and started to dig around your duffle bag. He chuckled and pulled out your Build-A-Bear. "She still sleeps with Beary," he said as he held up the stuffed bear. "Probably doesn't change his clothes anymore because she's too old for that, but he's in pajamas."

"Remember that military uniform you got for her bear? Mom said she barely took Beary out of that because she missed you so much."

"Yeah, and if she wouldn't have dropped him at the airport, I might not have met Mouse."

The two fell into a comfortable silence as he continued to dig through your bag. He got to a big zip-lock bag full of pieces of fabric that were stained light reds and browns.

"Will, c'mere," Jay said, waving him over. Will squatted down next to Jay. "You know what this is?"

Will sighed. "Unfortunately, yes. I saw a lot of this when I worked in Sudan."

"Well, what is it?"

"So, when girls don't have access or money to buy feminine hygiene products, they'll use scraps of fabric and wash them. Looks to me like she cut up some, um, she cut up some underwear and then used them as make-shift pads. If they aren't taken care of properly, she could end up with an infection. And, if she tried to use them as tampons instead of pads, it could lead to TSS, which stands for Toxic Shock Syndrome."

"We're gonna have to talk to her about this now, aren't we?"

"Unfortunately, yeah. She's not gonna be happy you dug through her stuff, so I'll let you explain why you were going through it. And, if she used them as tampons, I want her to get a pelvic exam, just to make sure she didn't get any infections. Much more likely to get an infection from tampons than pads."

Jay nodded. He hated having the current conversation and knew he was going to hate the next one even more, but he knew he had to do these things if he wanted to petition the court for legal guardianship.

Jay picked up your duffle bag and brought it to the living room and he set the zip-lock bag full of pieces of fabric on top.

"I can't believe we missed this," Will said. "I mean, we're both trained in how to spot abuse and we couldn't even spot it in our little sister."

"There weren't outright signs," Jay said. "No bruising, limping, cuts, burns, nothing like that. And, it's winter, it's easy to hide the weight loss. But, I still agree with you. If we would've spotted it earlier, we could've gotten her out of there."

"I'm pretty sure she's officially underweight now."

Jay ran a hand through his hair and then stood back up. "I'm gonna go put clean sheets on my bed. I'll let Y/N take it tonight so that we can keep talking out here when she goes to sleep."

"Good idea."

A few minutes later, Jay was back on the couch next to Will and you walked out of the bathroom, wearing a baggy t-shirt and some sweatpants that you had to keep pulling up because they were too big on you now, and a pair of fuzzy socks. You were cold all the time now and wanted your hoodie out of your duffle and wanted to put your dirty clothes in there, but when you looked down to the spot where you thought you had put it, it wasn't there.

"Guys?" you asked. "Have you seen my bag?"

You walked over to the kitchen table where your blanket was sitting on the chairs and wrapped that around yourself instead.

You furrowed your eyebrows as you saw your brothers on the couch, your duffle bag in front of them on the floor, and on top, your bag of ripped-up, old underwear that you used as pads when you didn't have any.

"You went through my stuff?" you asked, starting to become angry.

"Y/N," Jay started, "I know you're mad and it was me who went through it and not Will, so don't be mad at him, be mad at me. But, I went through it to see if anything was in there that could help me get you out of dad's house. Permanently."

"You- You want to have custody of me?" you asked.

A small smile appeared on Jay's lips and he nodded. "It wouldn't be considered custody because I'm not your biological parent, it would be considered guardianship, but yes, I want you to stay with me. And, my loan went through for a new apartment, so you'd have your own room and everything."

"Okay."

Jay looked at Will, not wanting to be the one to start this conversation. And, he figured Will would be the best one to start it because he was a doctor.

"Y/N, we need to ask you about these." Will motioned to the zip-lock bag on top of your stuff.

You sat in the loveseat across from them and looked down at your feet.

"It's okay, you're not in trouble," Will continued. "We just want to know how you used them in case you need to get a pelvic exam to check for infections in that area."

Your lip began to tremble as tears started to roll down your cheeks. "I used them as pads," you said quietly. "Dad wouldn't buy me any and I stopped getting them from school because I thought they'd suspect something was wrong if I- if I kept taking them."

"One more question," Will said softly. "I just need to know in case we need to take you in for this. I know you said you used them as pads, but did you ever try and use them as tampons?"

"No. I only used them as pads," you whispered. "I was scared to use them as tampons." You looked up at your brothers, who both had tears in their eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," you rushed. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner I was just--" You let out a wail and Jay got up and knelt in front of you.

"Hey, hey, none of this is your fault. Do you hear me? Absolutely none of this is on you. It's all on Dad. Every single bit of it. You are not the one to blame."

You launched yourself into his arms, crying out every emotion you had felt these past few months: anger, frustration, fear, sadness, it was all coming out now.

And, Jay just held you and let you cry it out because that was what your guys' mom used to do for him. And, he knew it worked.

Twenty minutes later, your wails were just quiet whimpers and you pushed yourself back up onto the loveseat, where Will had moved to the spot next to you. He wrapped an arm around you and you leaned into him, craving the comfort that had been denied to you for so long.

"You still have that Twix bar?" you asked.

"All that crying made you hungry, didn't it, Short Stack?" Will asked as Jay got up to retrieve the candy bar from the table.

You nodded.

"Thank you," you said when Jay handed you the Twix bar. You unwrapped it and broke it into the two sticks. "You guys want any?" They both shook their heads: they knew you needed to get as many calories in you as possible.

Jay sighed, he might as well get this hard conversation over with you tonight as well. "Y/N, you can eat as much as you want. I won't say anything about you eating too much, okay?"

You looked up from your candy bar. "You won't call me a burden because I'm eating your food? Like Dad did?"

"He said that?" Will asked, giving Jay a look that read when I see him next, I can't be held accountable for my actions.

"Yeah. One time there were some leftovers he had gotten from a bar and I was so hungry and it was the middle of the night, so I took them out and heated them up. The microwave timer must've woken him up because he came out just as I was about to start eating and then he yelled at me for eating his food and called me a burden."

"Well, we don't think that. Neither Will nor me think that," Jay told you. "And you can eat as much as you want."

You yawned as you crumpled up your Twix wrapper.

"Tired?" Will asked.

"Yeah," you mumbled.

"It's been a long day," Jay said. "You can take my bed."

"Jay, it's your apartment, I can't--"

"Y/N, this isn't up for discussion. I already put clean sheets on the bed for you."

"Is- Is there a fan in your room? I can't sleep without white noise."

"There is. You want me and Will to tuck you in?"

"I'm too old for that." You stood up and Will did, too. "Jay, can you hand me Beary? He should be in my duffle."

"Here you go, kid."

You took your bear and held him loosely in your arm. Then, you enveloped Jay in a hug and did the same for Will.

"I love you guys."

"We love you, too," Will said.

"Now get to sleep. You've still got school in the morning. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Dad sometimes wouldn't be home when I woke up for school. He'd be at a friend's house sleeping off a hangover from the night before or just sleeping."

Jay furrowed his eyebrows. "Doesn't he have to work?"

"He does work, but only a few days a week. The other days, he stays out really late and then comes home either drunk or hungover."

"I see," Jay stated. "Well I won't be doing that, I can promise you that."

"I know. You aren't like Dad. Neither of you are." You yawned again. "I'm going to bed, goodnight."

A few minutes later, you were out like a light and Will was still at Jay's apartment.

"So, Abby called me the other day," Will started. "She's looking for you. Says she's in town for a few days and wants to meet up."

"Oh yeah? She say why?" Jay asked, wondering why his ex-wife--who was the result of a blackout drunk wedding in Vegas, a thing that lasted only 24 hours tops--was in Chicago and was looking for him of all people.

"She said you two are still married."

Jay threw his head back against the couch and closed his eyes. "You have got to be fucking kidding me."

***

"Morning," Jay said as he stood at the stove flipping some eggs. "Sleep good?"

"I slept really good. Didn't even hear you wake up."

"Fan did the trick then?"

You nodded and grabbed a mug from the cupboard and went to start pouring yourself a cup of coffee.

"Nuh-uh," Jay chirped, putting his hand on the handle of the coffee pot as well.

"Why not? I drank it at Dad's."

Jay raised an eyebrow. "You drank coffee at Dad's?"

"Yeah, on the weekends sometimes that would be my breakfast because it curbs my appetite and there wasn't a lot to eat."

Jay sighed. "Well, you'll have enough to eat here, I can promise you that. And, coffee stunts your growth."

"Jay," you groaned. "I haven't grown since sixth grade."

"Okay, well, then you don't want to become dependent on it at such an early age, then. Come talk to me when you're a legal adult or in college."

"Fine." You let go of the coffee pot and put the mug back in the cupboard.

"You can have juice though." The toast in the toaster popped up and Jay placed the toast on a plate and then put a slice of cheese on each piece and then an egg on top. He also put a small bowl of strawberries next to it. "I'm gonna go get dressed while you eat. And then, once you're ready, I'll take you to school."

"Okay, thanks, Jay."

"You're welcome, kiddo."

You rolled your eyes at the nickname and then went to the fridge to get the apple juice. When you opened the fridge, you saw a brown paper bag with your name on it. Curiosity got the best of you, so you took it out and looked at the contents while you ate your breakfast.

Inside was a ham and Colby jack cheese sandwich with lettuce, pickles, mustard, and mayonnaise, an apple, a coconut-flavored Greek yogurt, celery with peanut butter, and a chocolate chip granola bar. There were also two dollars at the bottom of the bag paperclipped together with a sticky note stuck to the top.

For chocolate milk. ~Jay was what the note read.

Tears sprung to your eyes as you continued to eat your breakfast. You don't remember the last time you brought a lunch to school; you'd always get your lunch for free at school. When you got the paper from school about the free/reduced lunch because teachers noticed you didn't have much to eat, you waited until your dad was hungover and it was early in the morning, and handed him a pen and he signed the paper blindly. And, that's how you got lunch and breakfast at school without any cost to you or your dad.

"Hey, I can just brush my teeth at the kitchen sink if you want the bathroom--" He cut himself off when he saw the tears in your eyes. "What's wrong?"

"You- You made me lunch?" you asked as you turned to face him.

He smiled. "Of course I did. I know how bad cafeteria food can be. And, if it tastes good, it's usually not very good for you."

"Thank you," you said as you wiped a tear away that had rolled down your cheek.

"Aww, hey, don't cry, don't cry. It's okay. You're safe now. You don't need to worry about where your next meal will come from. And, I'm going to petition a judge for legal guardianship in a few days. I just have to have a few conversations with some lawyers."

"Does this mean you have to move? I don't want to kick you out of your apartment."

Jay dismissed that with a wave. "I already put in a loan application for a new apartment. Two bedrooms. Really nice."

"Can you tell me about it? While I finish eating my strawberries."

Jay nodded and sat down in the chair across from you. "It's a two-bedroom, washer, dryer. But, I know you don't care about those things. There's underground parking. It's got a gym, a whole club level, with like a coffee lounge, and all this other stuff."

"That sounds really nice."

"Yeah, it is a pretty nice building. Coffee lounge would be perfect for you to get your homework done if you don't feel like staying in the apartment."

"I thought you said I couldn't drink coffee?" you asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I meant the caffeine in the coffee. Decaf coffee and lattes and tea lattes, that's a different story. I'm sure they have pastries there, too."

"Never pegged you for a coffee snob," you joked.

"You learn a lot about coffee and about a person when you have to get your entire unit coffee. I'll let you in on a little secret: Ruzek's coffee order is the most complicated."

"Really?"

"Really. Now, go finish getting ready. Don't want you being late for school."

***

"Hey, Er, can you meet me at the diner we usually go to?" Jay asked his girlfriend over the phone after he had dropped you off at school.

"Yeah, no problem. Give me fifteen minutes. We haven't caught a case yet, but we should keep our radios on just in case. Everything okay?"

"It's a long story. I'll explain everything in person, okay?"

"Okay," Erin answered skeptically. "I'll see you in a few."

Fifteen minutes later on the dot, Erin walked into the little diner and spotted Jay sitting in the corner booth.

"Alright, what's going on?" she asked after she had ordered her food and some coffee. "You sounded really stressed on the phone."

Jay sighed. "I'm going to fight for legal guardianship of Y/N."

"What? Why? What happened?" Erin asked as she widened her eyes.

"Our dad, he uh, he hasn't really been the greatest. Not keeping food in the house, calling her a burden when she tries to eat some of his food, not buying her products for you know...girl stuff. She's probably lost like 25 pounds since the end of last school year. And, I know that doesn't sound like a lot with the amount of time that's passed, but she's underweight. Will drew some of her blood last night to see if she's deficient in some vitamins or minerals."

"My God."

"Yeah, so, I know we were going to move into your place together, but I need another bedroom and my loan went through at that place I told you about, so I'm going to put an offer in there. You could always move in with me if you want, but I don't know if it would be a good idea for that to happen right away. I just want to get Y/N healthy again. I'm sorry."

"Jay, I get it. She's family. Do you know how you're going to go about this? Did you talk to Voight about taking any time off to sort this out?"

"Not yet. But, I think I'm going to call Antonio and see if he can help me out with getting a meeting with ASA Stone. I know he works criminal cases, but he's gotta know some stuff about family court cases. So, I figured he might be able to help me with this whole process."

"Good idea. If you need any help, just say the word and I'll be there."

Jay smiled. "Thanks, Er." He didn't want to have the conversation he was about to have, but he knew he had to tell her. "There's uh, there's one more thing I need to tell you."

"Okay, what is it?"

"About eight years ago, I was married."

"Excuse me, what? You were married and you didn't tell me?"

Jay knew this was a bad idea...which was why he hadn't wanted to tell Erin, but now that he wasn't officially divorced for whatever reason, he knew needed to tell her. "Just let me explain."

"Yes, please do," Erin sneered.

"Her name's Abby. She ran Cultural Support during my last tour in Kandahar. About a year after I came home, I saw her at a funeral in Vegas. Was... was a guy in our unit, he had redeployed, and, um, he didn't... Um, I was, like, blacking out most nights, and we were both pretty shook up. And, um, we got married." He chuckled at the thought of his twenty-one-year-old self thinking that marriage was a good idea. "It was, like, a 24-hour thing, it was a total joke, and it is long over."

Erin just stared at him, as he waited to be chewed out by her. "Jay, you married this girl. And you never told me, and you were never gonna tell me," was all she said.

"I know. And, I'm sorry. But, I'm meeting up with her in a few days to sign the documents that I thought I'd signed because she's getting married and we need to make the divorce official...even though, in my mind, it's been official for eight years.

"Er, please don't hate me, but with everything going on, with me trying to get guardianship of Y/N and me finding out that I'm somehow still married--"

"You want us to take a break?" Erin asked, finishing his sentence for him.

Jay nodded. "I'm sorry. I just don't think I can juggle a relationship with all this other stuff. And, it's not fair to you."

Erin swallowed. "Well, just tell me if you need any help with Y/N. I'll always be there for you. Relationship or partnership, I'll always have your six."

"And I'll always have yours."

Erin's phone buzzed on the table and she picked it up. "It's Voight. We caught a case."

Jay laid some bills on the table. "Then let's go."

***

"Got the results of Y/N's bloodwork back," Will told Jay over the phone while he had a quick break for lunch...even though it was four o'clock in the afternoon. But, that's the thing about the medical field: breaks are never regular.

"And? Any deficiencies?" Jay asked, walking into his bedroom as you were at the table doing homework and he didn't want to distract you.

"Yes, two actually. Iron and riboflavin. The low iron explains why her periods have become shorter and lighter, but that can also be attributed to how small she is now."

"How do we go about this then?"

"I'll send you a list of foods that have levels high iron and riboflavin. Oh, riboflavin's found in vitamin B by the way."

"Okay, care to tell me what iron and riboflavin do? I know iron helps with hemoglobin and red blood cells, but I have no idea what riboflavin does."

"You're right about iron. I'm shocked. Or, what do the kids say these days? I'm shook."

"I swear to God, please never use that phrase again. And, I know what iron does because I paid attention in high school nutrition class, thank you very much."

"If I remember correctly, I helped you with most of the homework in that class."

"Whatever, you helped me. Now, tell me about riboflavin."

"So, riboflavin just helps convert food into energy and is needed for healthy skin, hair, blood, and a healthy brain." Jay could hear a beeping in the background on Will's end. "Gotta go. I'll send you that list of foods right now, though."

"Thanks, man."

You looked up as Jay came back into the kitchen. "Everything okay?" you asked.

Jay pulled out a chair and sat across from you. "So, I just got off the phone with Will. He got the results from your bloodwork back."

"Is it bad? Am I dying?" You set your pencil down, bracing yourself for bad news.

"No," Jay chuckled, "you're not dying. You just don't have enough iron and riboflavin, which is a specific B vitamin. Will sent me a list of foods that have high levels of those in them. You up for some grocery shopping? We can also grab some multivitamins that have those in them, too, just to help your levels stabilize faster."

"Okay, we can go now. I'm due for a break."

***

"So, some foods that contain riboflavin include milk, eggs, cheese, yogurt, meats, green leafy vegetables, and riboflavin enriched grains and cereals," Jay read off his phone.

"I've had a lot of those today already," you pointed out. "Eggs and cheese with breakfast. I had that yogurt for a snack at school, and I had meat and cheese on my sandwich and I had chocolate milk with my lunch at school."

That was just standard, Jay thought. He wondered what you ate when you were at your Dad's. And, he knew that if he wanted to obtain guardianship of you, he'd need to know these things.

"What did you eat at Dad's?" Jay probed.

"I mean, I barely made it to school on time most mornings because I was trying to be quiet so I didn't wake Dad, which made me move slower when getting ready. So, I'd usually just grab a small thing of dry cereal when I got to school and eat it in my first class. I never checked to see if it was one of the enriched ones. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. There's no way you could've known. Now, what did you usually have for lunch at school?"

"I always tried to get veggies with my lunch, but most of the veggies were the gross canned ones, like canned corn or green beans. I don't like those. Sometimes, they'd have little salads as a side and I'd get those. Sometimes they'd have yogurt parfaits and I'd get those. But, I'd usually go for the pre-made subs, because at least those would have veggies on them...even if it was just lettuce and pickles. I'd usually try to get an apple or banana as my side, too." You paused. "If I was getting meat and cheese from the sub and milk from my chocolate milk, then how am I deficient in this?"

"It's probably because the meat and cheese schools use is so heavily processed that there are little to no vitamins left in it," Jay answered.

"And you know this how?"

"As you get older, you acquire a lot of knowledge and one of those things is that the more processed a food is, the fewer vitamins and minerals are preserved...and I watch a lot of The Food that Built America on the History channel."

"Oh, okay. What foods are on that show?"

"Usually it's about fast food. One episode I watched last week was about ice cream and popsicles and how they came to be in America. Pretty interesting."

"Can we watch an episode tonight? That show sounds good."

"Of course." He paused in front of the fresh produce. "Take your pick. But, just make sure you get some leafy greens for the riboflavin and some fruit and other green veggies for iron."

You picked up a few things such as more apples, a bag of Clementines, bananas, spinach, carrots, and celery, and then, you shocked your brother as you picked up a bag of kale.

"Kale?" he asked. "Didn't know you liked it."

You shrugged. "I heard it tastes kind of like spinach. And, I saw a recipe on Pinterest for a salad that has kale, lemon juice, and dates. Is it okay if we try that?"

"You know, I think that would be the perfect side for dinner tonight. I'll add lemon juice and dates to the list."

"I didn't grab too many fruits and veggies, right?" you asked, not wanting to waste food or your brother's hard-earned money. "I- I can put some back if you want me to."

"Nope, it's all good. We can always freeze the bananas if they go bad for smoothies or banana bread. And, we can always turn the apples into apple sauce. Spinach and kale freeze well, too and you can't even taste them if we put them in smoothies."

"How do you know this stuff?" you asked.

"I used to watch Mom cook a lot when I was little. And, when I moved out on my own, she gave me a copy of a cookbook she always used. Said the recipes at the beginning of the book were simple enough that I wouldn't burn my apartment down."

You laughed at the thought of your mom scolding Jay if his apartment got ruined from his cooking. "Do you still have it?" you asked. "The cookbook, I mean."

"I do."

"Can we make something out of it tonight?"

"You know, I think that's a great idea." He pursed his lips. "How about Mom's chicken pot pie? I think I have some frozen peas and corn in the freezer and we can use the carrots we just grabbed in it, too."

"That sounds really good. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me." Jay paused. He figured now would be as good a time as any to tell you. "Uh, do you remember the day that we got ice cream and went and played soccer with Ben when you were little? The night that Mom went into the hospital?"

You nodded, swallowing the lump in your throat at the memory of that day.

"Well, she told me to take care of you. There's no way I would break a promise to Mom."

"She said that?"

"Mhmm."

"It's like she knew something was going to happen."

"Mom was a smart lady. Will had to have gotten it from somewhere and he sure didn't get it from Dad."

You laughed. "Hey, you're smart, too. Just not sciency smart. You're more puzzle smart because you put the pieces together of who committed a crime." Jay laughed at your description of his job. "Oh, is the recipe for Mom's garlic mashed potatoes in that cookbook?"

"It is. Want those as a side along with the salad you mentioned?"

"Yes, please...if it's not a problem."

"They're super simple and quick to make." He scribbled on a piece of notebook paper that he had written down a few groceries on, like the salad ingredients you had mentioned. "Alright, potatoes, a rotisserie chicken, and pastry dough have all been added to the list."

***

"I'll be back later tonight, no later than midnight," Jay told you two days later on Sunday night. "I know it's not ideal because you have school in the morning, but try and get some sleep while I'm gone, okay?"

"I'm used to being home alone at night, Jay." You shrugged. "I'll be fine."

"I know, it's just that not something I want you to get used to. Feel free to eat anything you want, cook anything you want. As long as you don't burn down the house, I don't care what you make. Oh, and remember to take your multivitamin before bed."

You rolled your eyes. "I'm fifteen, not five. Now, get going. Don't want you to be late to meet that lawyer."

"Love you. I'll be back by midnight. Lock the door behind me."

"I will. Love you, too."

With that, Jay left his apartment to go meet with ASA Stone and you locked the door behind him as he told you.

***

"So, Antonio told me you have some custody questions," Peter Stone said once he closed the door of his office.

"That's right," Jay replied as he took a seat in front of Stone's desk and turned his phone completely off and Stone took a seat in his chair behind his desk.

"Didn't know you had a kid, Halstead."

"No, I don't actually," Jay chuckled. "I have a kid sister. Name's Y/N and she's fifteen."

"Okay, and why do you want guardianship then?"

"When me and Will, my older brother, were kids, our dad kinda checked out on parenting us when we hit our mid-teens. But, we had our mom around, so it was okay. I went over there the other day because my dad was having some heart issues and I called Will. When I was there, I got a call of a robbery and it was Y/N. She was stealing food from a corner store because our dad wasn't feeding her," Jay explained.

"I see. So, other than her word and her stealing food, do you have any proof of this?"

"I know I should've called DCFS before letting her stay with me, but I couldn't let her stay there a minute longer, Peter. She's lost like 25 pounds in the past six months and she's deficient in both iron and vitamin B."

"Okay, what we have to do is petition for guardianship in front of a judge. I can help you with the documents and I can even represent you at the hearing if you want."

"Wow, yeah, that'd be great. Thank you."

"Anything else you want to tell me about your dad? Any physical or emotional abuse?"

"Not technically, but there is something else." And then Jay launched into all the information you had told him two days ago.

"Okay. And, you know your dad could theoretically press kidnapping charges against you because you took his kid without his permission?"

"I do. But he was basically starving her. No jury would find me guilty."

"I'm not going to argue with you about that one because I agree with you."

"So, do you think I have a chance of getting guardianship over Y/N?"

"In theory, yes. But, most judges like to keep the child with their biological parents. But, seeing as Y/N's fifteen, she does get some say in who she stays with," Stone explained. "When we have a custody or guardianship battle, we use the child's best interest standard. This means that you must prove that you are capable of providing food, clothing, housing, medical care, and a stable home life for Y/N. There will be one or two home visits before appearing before a judge, just to let you know."

"I'm aware of that. And, I just put an offer in on a new apartment with two bedrooms this morning and they're pretty quick in responding, so I should know in the next few days whether or not I got it."

"That's a good start. And you are financially stable to raise her until she turns eighteen, so three more years?"

"I am."

"Alright, let's start on those documents then. Unless you have any more questions for me?"

"I do actually. I, uh, I just found out that I'm technically still married. Something about me not signing the divorce papers even though I specifically remember signing them? And, before you ask, me and this girl served together, we were both twenty-one, going through rough patches and it was a Vegas wedding eight years ago. Lasted no more than twenty-four hours."

"It's really good that you told me this because any good lawyer would find that out when you file for guardianship. It's possible that she didn't co-sign the divorce papers. If that's the reason, I can help you draw up new divorce papers right now."

"Really? You'd help me with that?"

"Of course. A friend of Antonio's is a friend of mine," Stone said as he started typing on his computer. "So, what you can do is you can file for a no-fault divorce."

"You're gonna have to be specific, Stone. I know a bit of criminal law because I've had to testify in criminal cases, but like I said, I don't know family or civil law," Jay said.

"What a no-fault divorce is, Jay, is that you don't have to prove that either of you did anything wrong to get a divorce. All you have to do is state that your marriage is unsalvageable and continue filing for divorce."

"That's it? What if she doesn't sign it?"

"The divorce papers will be served to, uh...what's this girl's name again?" Stone asked.

"Abby."

"Abby. The divorce papers will be served to Abby and she has twenty days to file her response with the court. If she doesn't, then the court rules it as an uncontested divorce and then you're officially divorced."

"Me and Abby are meeting up to talk about all this tonight. But, can we just fill out paperwork for this no-fault divorce just in case things don't go as planned? I just really need to get guardianship of Y/N. The least amount of problems, the better."

"Of course. And if everything goes well with her tonight, then just give me a call and I'll shred the documents."

"Alright, just tell me where to sign."

***

"Wilson is running through the showers wearing nothing but a Kevlar vest, right?" Jay reminisced on the good parts of his Ranger days with Abby at a bar around 8:30 that night after his meeting with Peter Stone.

"Well, the lieutenant said, all outdoor activities to be conducted in body armor." Jay laughed at Abby's rendition of their lieutenant's voice. "Do you remember, he had his girlfriend's name tattooed on his ass?"

Jay set his empty drink down on the bar. "Did he tell you that was his girlfriend? That was his dog's name," Jay laughed.

"That actually makes more sense," Abby said. "I could go for another one of these."

"I, um, I shouldn't."

"Gotta get back to the barracks?"

"No, I uh gotta get back to my little sister, actually. I'm looking after her at the moment. It's a long story. Do you have the papers?"

"I, uh, I don't have them."

"Abby."

"It's just, I never told you. Even that crazy day we got married, I never told you that I loved you, Jay. It didn't feel right. But, I loved you, Jay. I do love you."

Jay sighed. "Abby, you deserve everything good. I'm just not the guy that's gonna give that to you." He brushed her hair to the side and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

After putting some money on the bar to pay for the drinks and tip the bartender, he left the bar. Guess he was going to need these no-fault divorce documents, anyway.

He was almost to his car when he heard someone calling his name. And, it was a voice he knew all too well.

"Erin?" he shouted as she came closer. "What are you doing here?"

"Would it kill you to turn on your phone? You need to get to the district. Now."

"What? Why? What's wrong?"

She got in his passenger seat. "Just drive. I'll explain on the way."

***

You were sitting on Jay's bed reading a book when you heard a knock on the door.

Slowly, you got off his bed and made your way out of his room. You took a knife out of the knife block, but you hoped you wouldn't need to use it. Jay would've told you if someone was planning on stopping over. And, if it was Will, he would've given you a heads-up.

The knocking got louder and more aggressive. "Jayson! Open this door! I have the right to see my daughter!"

Dad.

With the knife still in hand, you backed up and then, once on the carpet, ran back into Jay's room and quietly shut the door and locked it. You pulled out your phone and tried Jay. It went straight to voicemail. The pounding was getting louder. You tried Will. It went straight to voicemail because he was on shift. You thought you heard your dad starting to kick the door now instead of just pounding on it with his fists. You tried the last person you thought could help.

"Y/N?" Erin asked as she answered her phone and paused the tv show she was watching.

"Erin," you whispered. "I'm scared. I need help."

"You need help? Can you tell me why?"

"My dad, he's- he's here. He's looking for me." You heard a crash.

"Jay? Y/N? I know one of you is in here!"

"I- I think he just broke down the apartment door. Please help."

"Okay, okay, here's what you're going to do. I want you to hide somewhere and I'm going to call a patrol car over there right now. You're going to turn your phone on silent and I'm going to call you right back," she told you.

"Okay," you whispered as quietly as you could.

"I'll call you back in one minute tops."

You moved as quietly as you could with the knife and your phone still in your hands and opened Jay's closet door. You buried yourself behind the two garment bags that contained Jay's police blues and his military dress uniform, hoping against hope that your dad wouldn't find you.

Your phone lit up and it was Erin. You answered.

"Y/N, the officers will be there soon. I don't want you to talk. Just know that I'm on the phone with you."

At the same time, as she was talking to you over speakerphone, she was texting the team. She assumed you couldn't reach Jay or Will since you had called her. She told them what was happening and that a few of them needed to get to the district because they needed to find Jay's location. She also told Voight to get ahold of Sharon Goodwin so she could notify Will of what was currently happening.

"Chicago PD! Put your hands where we can see them!" you heard from your hiding place.

"See?" Erin said. "I told you that you'd be okay. I told them that you were hiding, so if someone opens the door, it's just an officer."

Just after she said that the closet door opened.

You squeaked.

"It's okay. You're safe," the officer said. "We're just going to take you down to the district. You're safe."

You peeked out from your hiding place and you saw the blues of the officers. You slowly made your way out and followed the officer out to the patrol car, the one that didn't house your dad for a breaking and entering charge at the moment.

***

"Where is she?" Jay yelled as he entered the district.

Platt just pointed to the bench next to one of the offices where you were sitting, staring at the floor, with a police jacket draped over your shoulders.

He sunk to his knees in front of you. "Are you hurt? Did Dad hurt you? Did he put his hands on you in any way?"

You shook your head.

"Oh thank God."

"I was so scared," you whispered. "When you and Will didn't answer, I thought he was gonna get me."

"I'm sorry. I turned off my phone when I talked to ASA Stone, and I forgot to turn it back on. I'm so sorry. C'mere."

You all but fell off the bench and into Jay's arms. "Is he going to jail? I don't want him going to jail."

"He was drunk out of his mind. I can ask not to press charges, though."

"Please. He needs help."

Although Jay didn't say it, he knew you were right. Jails and prisons didn't rehabilitate, they just taught criminals how to be better criminals. He knew that his dad needed rehab, a twelve-step program, anything.

"Okay, I won't press charges. But, I think we're gonna need to stay with Will for the night because our door's broken. What do you say we run home and grab some clothes to bring to Will's? And, since Dad will be here for a little longer, we can run to his house and get more of your stuff. Sound like a plan?"

"Can we get Dairy Queen on the way to Will's?"

"We sure can."

***

"I- I don't think any of these dresses will fit me anymore. They look way too big," you said to Jay as the two of you unpacked a bunch of your stuff in the guest room of Jay's new apartment. You wanted to think of it as the guest room for now instead of calling it your room just in case Jay wasn't awarded guardianship. You didn't want to get too attached.

Jay sighed. He figured you were right. He would see if Erin could take you, but their relationship was on the backburner right now. And, Erin had some stuff with Bunny she had to work out after she had brought her that pearl bracelet and said that she might be leaving Chicago. So, now wasn't really the right time for him to be bugging Erin about going shopping with you. And, he couldn't ask Kim because she was taking some furlough after finding her sister brutally sodomized after a night out.

He thought about asking Will if Nina could come, but he didn't think that those two were too happy with each other at the moment since Will hadn't told Nina about their dad being in the hospital and she had to find out from Natalie. Not Will's greatest moment.

He racked his brain for more women he knew.

Then it hit him: Gabby.

Yes, they had briefly dated, but that was five years ago. She was married now and his feelings for her were completely gone. They were civil with each other when they saw each other in the field and would chat when Gabby showed up at the district to pick up Eva or Diego.

"How about you try a few on after we finish unpacking, and then if none of them really fit, I can give Gabby a call and see if she'll take you shopping while I work on unpacking the rest of the house," Jay suggested.

"Okay. Will's gonna be over after his shift to help though, right?" you asked.

"He better be. He said he would. If he doesn't come, he better have a really good excuse."

"You can't unpack the kitchen without me," you told him.

"Why not?"

"I can't have you putting the glasses and other stuff on high shelves because I wanna reach them without having to climb on the counter."

"Okay, fine. I'll keep your short little height in mind while I unpack." He paused. "Do you want to get those fancy word stickers for your room for one of the walls?"

"Decals? And, it's not my room yet."

"Listen, after that stunt Dad pulled at my old apartment, Stone is 99.9% positive that I'll be granted guardianship. We just have to jump through all the hoops first."

"Like the home checks?"

"Like the home checks," he confirmed.

"What do I say in court?" you asked a few minutes later as you were putting the pillows on your freshly made bed.

"You just tell the truth," he answered.

"Will you be in there with me?"

"No, I won't. Stone said that usually in these cases you talk to the judge by yourself so that you can't be intimidated by either of the people who are fighting for custody or guardianship."

"So you won't be there? Will won't be there?"

"Will will be out in the hall and I will be in a different room. I'll be in like a witness room, where they make witnesses of a crime wait so that their testimony isn't swayed by what the other people are saying on the stand. But, me and Dad will be in the courtroom at the same time, just so I can see what he'll be saying."

"And, I'll be in there then, too?"

"Yes."

"What kind of questions do they ask me?"

"Stone said that since you're older, you get a say in who you stay with, so they'll ask you questions like who've you known the longest, who you feel safest with, who you want to live with, etc."

"Will they ask me questions about Dad? Like how he didn't give me food and how he broke into your apartment?" you asked.

"They will," Jay confirmed. "But, Stone will be in there for those questions just in case he needs to object to something."

"So the only time I'll be alone with the judge is when they're asking me the first few questions? Like who I feel safest with?"

"Exactly. Now, do you need help putting these books on the top shelf of your bookshelf?"

***

"Hey, how was your day?" Jay asked as he came home from work that afternoon. It was a shock that he was home by 5 pm, but you had a big day tomorrow. Not only was tomorrow Friday, it was the day you and Jay had to go to court to see if he would be awarded guardianship of you.

"We've got a problem," you stated.

"Um, I can try to help you with it, but let me go put my gun away first."

While he was doing that, you pulled out the slip of paper and the note that Gretchen Cunningham had written, saying that she wouldn't allow you to make up the test you would be missing because you had to go to court.

"Alright, what's the problem?" Jay asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"Cunningham. She's the problem...as always."

You handed him the papers and he read them over. "Yeah, this isn't going to fly. She doesn't need a judge's signature to allow you to take the test. I'll talk to the school tomorrow morning when I call to tell them you'll be absent."

"I hate her," you groaned. "She's so mean. And, I know what you're gonna say. You have to deal with people you don't like. But, she lost one of my assignments and told me I didn't turn it in and couldn't re-do it!"

"Well did you?" Jay asked. "Turn it in, I mean."

"Jay!"

He put his hands up in a sign of surrender. "I'm just saying, could be your fault."

"Yes, I turned in the stupid assignment. And, she paired me up with the stupidest kid in the class and told me to do well on this assignment because he needed a good grade to pass. It's not my fault he's failing! Don't put his grade on me, lady!"

"And she wouldn't let you re-do it?"

"Nope. But it's fine. I'm still getting an A. That might change if she doesn't let me take this test, though."

"It's like deja-vu from my freshman year all over again. Why doesn't she retire already? She's like 100."

"Or they could fire her," you quipped. "Or I could switch classes."

"I'll see what I can do. Who's the other history teacher?"

"Um, Miss Hedge."

"Hedge? As in Jayne Hedge?"

"Yeah, it's actually her. Why? Do you know her?"

"Yes he does," Will said as he entered Jay's apartment. "In fact, they went to freshman snowcoming together."

"How did you even get in here?" Jay asked, turning around to look at his older brother.

"For a cop, you're not that smart. You didn't lock the door behind you."

"I don't lock my door when I'm still awake. And, seriously? You just had to tell Y/N that, didn't you?"

"You guys can't just leave me hanging now. Tell me the story!"

"Fine," Jay grumbled and Will just laughed and sat down at the table, too. "I met her at school, obviously. She was on the freshman basketball team and I had winter weight training for the soccer team. I thought she was pretty and she was really smart, too. And, I knew that a bunch of the girls went to get Taco Bell after practice, so me and some of my friends decided to go, too."

"There used to be a Taco Bell close to school?" you asked. If there was, you'd never seen it before.

"It got torn down just after I graduated," Jay answered. "Anyway, we went to Taco Bell and I started talking to her and we talked a lot after practice. I'd walk her home sometimes. Then, I asked her to snowcoming and she said yes."

"So, why'd you guys break up? I know you dated Allie in high school."

"We realized we were better off as friends." Jay shrugged.

"And he realized he liked Allie more," Will added.

"Yeah, that too."

Will set a big bag of takeout on the table.

"Seriously?" Jay asked. "I thought we weren't going to do this that much anymore so we can get Y/N's vitamin and mineral levels stabilized."

"I'm sure she'd appreciate the break from your mundane meals," Will said. "And, I got us all side salads to go with the burgers instead of fries, so calm down." Jay gave him a look. "Fine, I got the side salads along with the fries. But, they're made out of potatoes, so they're technically a vegetable."

"For a doctor, you don't know much about nutrition, do you? And, my meals are not mundane."

"Dude, you'd have chicken, spaghetti, or grilled cheese every night."

"Not every night, just a lot of nights when I'd get home from the district late. I'll have you know me and Y/N have been making really good diners lately. Wanna tell Will what we made last night for dinner, Short Stack?"

"We made this really good pasta. We used Orzo, which looks like rice, but it's pasta. And we made a sauce out of tomatoes, onions, and orange juice. It was supposed to be lemon juice, but Jay didn't have any. We put chicken sausage in it for protein...and spices of course," you told Will.

"That actually sounds really good. Wow, Jay cooking every night, not something I expected."

"I like it," you said. "And, he lets me play whatever music I want when we cook."

Will rolled his eyes. You had Jay so wrapped around your finger that he'd do almost anything for you. Will didn't think he himself was that bad, but deep down, he knew he'd do anything for you, too...despite not being in Chicago as long as Jay had been.

***

"So I got a call from Stone this morning," Jay said around 11:30 that night when he and Will were sitting on the couch, each nursing a beer.

Will set his beer down on the coffee table in front of him. "And?"

"And, as of yesterday at midnight, I am officially divorced from Abby. Turns out, they served her the papers and, since she didn't sign them and it had been twenty days, it turned into an uncontested, no-fault divorce."

"Congrats, man. Might've been eight years too late, but you're a free man now."

"Amen to that. And it came at just the right time."

"Yeah," Will agreed. "You nervous for tomorrow?"

"Not really. More nervous for Y/N than anything. I've testified in criminal cases, so I kinda know how this goes, but she hasn't. And, before me and Dad go in to plead our cases, she has to talk to the judge all by herself. I just wish one of us could be in there with her."

Will nodded. "Know what they're going to ask you?"

"I know what Stone's going to ask me because we prepped, but I have no idea what Dad's lawyer is going to ask me. Pretty sure he's got just a public defender, though. Hopefully, that works in my favor."

"Not always, man," Will disagreed. "The public defenders who do these cases only do these cases. They've had a lot of practice."

"You really know how to make me feel better, thanks," Jay replied sarcastically.

"Rather have you hear it from me before the case than someone else after. Are you going to get cross-examined?"

"Probably. Don't know what they're going to ask me though because it's a cross. Stone set up some sample questions for me to answer with him to practice, but I'm going in blind. I'm used to it though because I've testified before. But, this feels like my biggest case."

"Because it probably is."

"Are you talking about tomorrow?" you asked as you quietly padded across the floor towards the living room.

"Y/N? What are you doing up? It's almost midnight," Jay pointed out.

"I- I know. But I couldn't sleep. I'm scared. What if I have to go back to Dad's? What if they find neither of you fit and I have to go into foster care?"

Jay patted the empty spot on the couch next to him and you sat down. "We just have to trust the system. That's all we can do."

"I know, but I can't sleep. And I'm so tired."

"I have an idea," Jay started and stood up, "stay here."

"I'm gonna go look for some melatonin," Will said after a few minutes of you two just sitting in silence. "I think Jay still has some for nights that he can't sleep."

Will was still rummaging around Jay's cabinets when Jay came back with a big black box with some cords and a cardboard box balanced against his hip.

"The hell is that?" You quickly covered your mouth when you realized you had sworn. "Sorry."

"It's okay. And, to answer your question, this is VCR. And, I have a bunch of videotapes in this box." He turned from you to face the kitchen, where Will was still opening and closing cabinets. "Will? What are you doing?"

"Looking for melatonin for Y/N. You got any?"

"First of all, it's so late that if you give it to her now, she'll sleep through her alarm and we can't be late for court tomorrow. And, second of all, I keep it in the medicine cabinet in my bathroom."

Will closed the cabinet and made his way back to the couch to sit next to you as Jay started to hook up the VCR to the tv. "Uh, Jay," Will began, "you know it's a little late for a movie right? And, I should get going in like half an hour?"

"We're not watching a movie. I recorded a bunch of the Blackhawks playoff games on one of these and I thought Y/N'd like to watch the 2010 Stanely Cup final series against the Flyers. Or, we could watch the final series against the Bruins when they won the cup last year."

"Let's watch the 2010 one," you said. "I don't think I watched it because I wasn't into watching hockey as much as I am now."

"And you have Jay to thank for that," Will pointed out.

"You can record things on there? Like an old-school DVR?" you asked.

"God, now I feel old," Will groaned. "Wait until she learns about floppy disks."

"Floppy what now?"

"Nevermind. Only 80s-90s kids would get it."

"We get it. You guys are millennials."

"Got it!" Jay exclaimed as he popped the videotape into the VCR and it started playing. "Now, shut up so we can relive this, Will."

You fell asleep before you even reached the end of the first period.

***

You rubbed your eyes and then looked around you to notice that you were still on the couch. You craned your neck to see the time on the oven on the other side of the open concept kitchen and living room and saw that it was 5:45 am. Jay was at the gym now. And, you knew you wouldn't be able to fall back asleep because you were already starting to worry about the rest of the day. You had to be in court at 8:30 and had to be talking to a judge at 9:00, the judge that would determine who you would be living with, which would inevitably determine your future.

God, you were thinking just like the teachers talked about the SATs, how if you didn't get a good grade on that standardized test that your future would be ruined.

You stood up and stretched and then went back to your room to grab the book you were currently reading. Then, you turned on a few lamps and grabbed a yogurt and fruit from the fridge, along with a glass of orange juice. After wrapping yourself in a blanket, you started to eat and read, hoping that that would keep your mind from wandering and worrying at least until Jay got back from the gym.

Half an hour later, Jay unlocked the apartment door and walked inside, confused as to why you were awake. It was only 6:15 and he had told you just to be up by 6:45.

"What are you doing awake, Short Stack?" he asked as he grabbed a banana from the bowl on the counter.

"I woke up at about 5:45 and I couldn't fall asleep. I'm sorry."

"Nothing to worry about. I just want you as well-rested for today as possible. You have your dress all ready? Know what shoes you're going to wear?"

"Jay," you whined. "I picked all of that out last night because you told me to."

"Just didn't want you to have to rush. I can turn the game back on for you so you can watch it until you have to start getting ready?"

You nodded and Jay came over and fiddled with the tv and the remote, going back to the middle of the first period where he thought you had fallen asleep.

"Okay, I'm gonna take a shower. Will said he'll be here around 7:45. Oh, and you can take that history test when you get back on Monday, in Miss Hedge's class."

You smiled. "Okay." Then, you turned your attention back to the hockey game.

***

You widened your eyes as you stood in the second bathroom getting ready. You had gotten dressed (into a navy blue, lacey dress that ended just above the knee that you had bought with Gabby a few days ago), washed your face, brushed your teeth, did your makeup, but now you were cursing yourself for being so stupid. You had no way of doing your hair. You didn't have a straightener here. And, your typical ponytail or bun wasn't going to cut it for court.

"Jay!" you yelled as you exited the bathroom and knocked on his bedroom door.

He opened it as he was tying his tie. "Yeah? Everything okay?"

"I don't have a straightener! I can't do my hair and if I wear my hair like I usually do then it will look bad on you and--"

"Hey, hey, calm down. We've still got over 45 minutes before we have to leave. I'll give Gabby a call and see if she's not on shift and can let you borrow hers."

You sighed the biggest sigh of relief. "Thank you."

Five minutes later, Jay knocked on the bathroom door as you were brushing your hair. "Gabby will be here in ten."

"Oh thank God."

***

"Thank you!" you exclaimed ten minutes later as you opened the door, revealing Gabby with her hair straightener. And, behind her, was Casey.

"No problem. Just tell me if you're not used to it and need help."

You took it from her. "No, I should be good. Thanks, though. C'mon in. I'm pretty sure Jay's around here somewhere."

They came into the apartment while you ran off to find Jay.

You knocked on his bedroom once more and he opened it, this time completely ready for the day. "Gabby and Casey are here," you told him.

"Casey's here?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Yeah. I think he just came with Gabby."

"Okay. Go fix your hair. I'll go talk to them."

Twenty minutes later, you were finished and slipping your shoes on when you heard a knock on the apartment door. "I got it, Y/N!" Jay yelled.

Well, I hoped you would because you're closer to the door than me, you thought to yourself.

Jay opened the door, and since it was exactly 7:45, he was expecting to just see Will. But, what he saw both shocked him and made him want to cry from appreciation at the same time.

Standing next to Will was Natalie and behind them was all of Intelligence and Trudy Platt and Mouch, all of Squad 3 and Truck 81 (minus Casey because he was inside), Sylvie Brett, Chief Boden, April, Maggie, Dr. Rhodes, Dr. Charles, Reese, and Noah.

"You're all here for the court case?" Jay asked, stunned.

"Well, Natalie has to testify about Y/N's deficiencies and weight loss, but yeah. It's better if the court sees that the person trying to get guardianship has a ton of support. So, I figured I'd call in reinforcements...even though I'm pretty sure my big personality is enough."

Jay rolled his eyes. "Your big ego maybe." He paused, not knowing how he was going to fit everyone in his apartment even if it was bigger than his last one. "However many of you guys can fit inside, can come in. Um, some of you might just need to meet us at the courthouse--"

"Jay, they just came now so you could see how many people were behind you. They're just gonna meet you there. Except for me. I'm driving you two." Jay furrowed his eyebrows. They didn't talk about this. "I'll explain later."

"Gabby," you said as you walked out of the bathroom. "Can you--" you stopped as you saw everyone outside Jay's apartment.

"They're all here for you and Jay," Gabby explained as she stood up. "And, you can't cry because it'll smear your makeup, so hold back the tears."

You nodded as you held them back. "Can you, uh, check the back of my hair to make sure I got it all straight?" you asked.

"Two spots are still a bit wavy. Let's go fix it so you can get going."

A few minutes later, Gabby had fixed your hair and everyone besides Will and Jay had left and were on their way to the courthouse. You slipped on a pair of black ballet flats and your coat.

Will had explained that the reason he was driving was that if Jay didn't get guardianship, he didn't want him driving in such a distressed state. Will had worked on so many patients who were in car accidents due to their emotional state and he didn't want Jay to be one of them.

"Ready?" Jay asked you.

"As ready as I'll ever be," you said as you wiped your sweaty palms on your dress.

"All you have to do is tell the truth."

***

You thought you'd be comfortable inside a courtroom because of the crime dramas you'd seen. But, standing inside one was very different from watching a fictional tv show.

No one but you, the judge, the court reporter, Peter Stone, and your dad's lawyer could be in the room for this next part, so everyone was either in a witness room or waiting outside in the hallway for the go-ahead to be let in. You would be allowed to be in the courtroom while they were talking to Jay and your dad, but they wouldn't be able to be in the room when you talked to the judge...for obvious reasons, such as influencing what you would say.

"All rise."

You stood up next to Stone as the judge, who you now knew as Judge Callahan, entered the room.

Once you sat down, you were called to the stand. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?" you were asked as you placed your hand on the Bible.

"I do," you answered.

"Alright, please allow Miss Halstead on the witness stand," Judge Callahan said. "Now, I'm just going to ask you a few questions. All you have to do is answer them. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I understand."

"Okay, first question: Has your father, Pat Halstead, ever hit you or physically abused you in any way?"

"No," you answered.

"Has he ever neglected to give you necessities, such as food, water, clothing, or shelter?"

"Yes."

"Can you please elaborate?"

You did. You explained how your dad never had food in the house and would yell at you and call you a burden if you tried to eat his leftovers.

"Is it true that your father tried to break into your brother's house to get you?" Judge Callahan asked.

"Yes."

"Who do you feel safest with?"

"My brother, Jay Halstead."

"Who would you prefer to live with?"

"Jay Halstead."

***

Jay sat on the witness stand. He had answered all of Stone's questions, including all of the questions about him finding you stealing, what you had been using for pads, and what he had been told that you had been eating at your dad's house. Natalie had testified about your physical well-being, weight loss, and iron and riboflavin deficiencies. But now, it was time for Jay's cross-examination. And, he sure as hell didn't expect this next question to be asked.

"Mr. Halstead," your dad's lawyer began, "you previously said, and I quote, that your dad clocked out on parenting you and your older brother, Will, when you were in your teens, around when you started high school. Can you elaborate on that?"

"Objection!" Stone yelled. "Relevance?"

"Speaks to a pattern."

"I'll allow it," Judge Callahan said. "Please answer the question, Mr. Halstead."

Jay nodded. "He clocked out on parenting me and Will because he said that were essentially grown men at this point in our lives, we didn't need him cheering us on or him helping us. He didn't come to a single one of my soccer games in high school. And, if by some miracle we went out for ice cream or something just me, my brother, and my dad, he wouldn't pay for ours. Said we were old enough to pay for ourselves.

"But, we had our mom. She came to all our games and school events. She made us breakfast, lunch, and dinner. If she wasn't there, I don't know what would've happened to me and Will. My dad didn't even want me to go into the military and didn't want Will to go to medical school. He said a real man went right to work. The only time I felt loved by him in all my teenage years was when I left for the military. It was like because he knew I might die over there that he figured he'd say he loved me one last time."

"Redirect, your honor," Stone said. Judge Callahan nodded at Stone. "You said that your mom made you and your brother lunch. Are you doing that for Y/N?"

"Objection! Relevance?"

"Speaks to Mr. Halstead's abilities as a parent."

"I'll allow it. Please answer the question."

"I actually do," Jay answered. "I make her a packed lunch to bring to school every day and I'm sure to add foods high in iron and riboflavin to help those levels stabilize quicker. The first time I packed her a lunch, she actually cried because she hadn't gotten a lunch from home in so long."

"Thank you."

"Mr. Halstead," your dad's lawyer started, "you were previously deployed overseas in Afghanistan for two tours of duty. While I thank you for your service, is it possible that you could have PTSD and hurt Y/N in the middle of the night?"

"I would never hurt her!"

"While you are fully conscious, maybe. But, while you are in a sleep-addled state, isn't it possible that you might think that the person waking you up is an enemy soldier and not your little sister?"

Jay sighed. No one knew this about him, not you, not Will, not his dad. No one. And now all of his family and closest friends were going to know since they were in the courtroom watching this entire thing unfold.

"I am on Prazosin for nightmares caused by my PTSD," Jay answered.

"And how long have you been on this medication?"

"For about two years."

"And this has helped you manage your nightmares?"

"Yes, very much so."

"No further questions."

***

"Jesus, Jay," Will said after you had watched your dad's testimony on why he should get to keep you. It was the usual: how he was your father, so, therefore, he deserved to keep taking care of you and it's what your mother would've wanted...despite her telling Jay to keep you safe before she died. They already had the responding officers testify about the break-in, so he couldn't deny that and he was under oath, so if anyone found out he lied, then your dad would be held in contempt.

"I'm sorry I never told you, man," Jay said. "I just, I thought of it as weak that I couldn't deal with my own shit." He grimaced when he realized he had sworn around you. "Sorry, Y/N."

"It's okay. I hear that stuff at school."

"I'm just upset you didn't tell me they were getting that bad, Jay," Will lamented. "I know I wasn't there for you a lot after Mom died, but I'm here now."

Jay nodded, and Will knew he didn't want to talk about the topic anymore. You looked through the little window into the courtroom and saw that the judge was coming back from her chambers.

"Guys, I think she's made a decision," you said nervously.

"Whatever happens, me and Jay will be there for you," Will promised.

All you could do at this point was nod, as a lump was forming in your throat from all your nerves.

Jay led you back into the courtroom and you sat at the front, between Jay and Will. You wiped your sweaty palms on your dress and Jay gave your shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

Judge Callahan stood up.

"By using the child's best interest standard of who can provide food, clothing, housing, education, medical care, and a stable home life for Y/N Halstead, I declare Mr. Jay Halstead the legal guardian of Y/N Halstead."

You could've sworn that you stopped breathing the second she said Jay's first name. You were so overwhelmed that you just turned to him and started crying as he wrapped an arm around you while he listened to the judge state your dad's visitation rights.

But, you didn't hear any of that. The only phrase that kept repeating in your head was I declare Mr. Jay Halstead the legal guardian of Y/N Halstead over and over again.

Now, you knew that you'd always have the necessities when you lived with Jay. You wouldn't have to worry about where your next meal was going to come from or if your dad would be out until 3 am drinking. You wouldn't have to worry about having access to tampons or pads and not be embarrassed anymore to ask for some from school if you forgot to put any in your backpack that day. But most of all, you knew that you would be loved and cared for.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Did I make anyone cry with this one??? The blood draw scenario was actually based on when I had to go and get my blood drawn the other day and thought I was going to pass out, which is why that scene was so long. Anyway, thank you again for reading, and please reblog/like and comment and tell me what you think! As always, if you want to be added to my taglist, just tell me and I’ll add you!

taglist: @theambracer88 @virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e

[spnopineapples]

<.< that Red John story arc needs a fix-it fic asap. I am aware it is 2022 and the Red John reveal happened back at the end of 2013 and that the show itself ended in 2015. I blame the fact i had just graduated college and was starting a new job. I'm catching up, forgive me, halfway through season 6 right now. Sure I'll finish by the end of the week. Anyways back to the fix-it fic want and need. I will caveat; the Red John reveal is great, love who they chose for it, makes perfect sense actually, also love that actor a lot, especially as a villian cause he has a colloquial manner that makes him appear trustworthy and fatherly but than the actor can really pull out the evil villian routine with a 1000 yard stare acting. The Red John showdown was also good but because of the flaws in the buildup to the reveal and showdown it isn't as great as it could have been.

Biggest issues are:

1. Red John knowing about the list: I don't mind the list. In fact I loved it. Just didn't like the whole RJ knowing about it bit. Also Haffner and Reed didn't need to be on it. The other 5 are perfect suspects. But RJ knowing that Patrick suspected specifically who he was kind of took the cat and mouse game thrill out of the equation. Like every time Jane or the team met with one of the suspects the implication is that RJ knew they knew. And that's no fun. I liked Jane having a one up on RJ without RJ's knowledge and frankly the gymnastics that a writer has to go through and still hasn't explained to justify how RJ knew about the list is unneeded. There was a lot more story ammo and plot to be had if RJ did not know about the list.

2. The Blake Organization: Ew. Not needed. Ruined the whole motivation behind RJ for me. I contend that RJ had a loose organization of corrupted individuals he patroned and encouraged/corrupted while also cherry picking certain people that made it to top key positions in gov't and law enforcement to curtail his and his proteges' from being arrested. This was actually hinted and alluded to throughout the beginning seasons and I loved that cause it ties into what I think RJ's motivations are.

Red John is evil. He doesn't want power or money. He wants to rape and murder and see fear in the eyes of his victims and slaughter lambs. And he wants to make more tygers to slaughter those lambs. That's the point of the whole Blake poem, not as some chintzy password for a self-promoting and self-aggrandizing heirarchal command structure. That's what the Visualize foil was for. The inclusion of the Blake organization takes away from what matters in my head. RJ's motivations.

3. Red John's Motivations at the end are wrong: (Personal Opinion) RJ is obsessed with Jane. Because RJ feels lonely. He's incredibly smart, hence his ability to manipulate and to elude capture. He longs for someone he can share that with. He's also evil and he wants people to accept his evil needs so he finds those like him and encourages it. He tricks people like Lorelei Martins into corrupting themselves. And, though he murdered Jane's wife and daughter as punishment for Jane's hubris and slights, I think when Jane joined CBI and after RJ had time to look into Jane's background, RJ began to view Jane as a challenge. Could he corrupt someone without tricking them? Could he convince someone to be like him? Could he make someone who hates him, love him? Someone like Jane who has darker tendencies and strengths but wasn't like RJ from the beginning. Could he draw Jane's evil out of him? Those are RJ's motivations for me. Not some silly power play secret society allusions of grandeur. Just a profoundly disturbed human trying to make the world burn with him.

Conclusion: <.< ....... I'm gonna write a goddamn fix it fic. The conclusion to Jane and Red John's story deserved better. Wasn't bad, again, wasn't bad. But it could have been great.

Also because of the strange convolution in the buildup to the reveal we lost sight of Jane's motivation. Though Simon Baker is a PHENOMENAL actor that managed to reassert that lost motivation right back in at the end. God his facial expressions and how he said their names. Good stuff. Good stuff. Like I said the showdown was great. Just could have been better.

So I'll make it better. We'll see if I finish this time.