#I blame all the sad music on my playlist

[cosmic-hoboandthehighlander]

Listen, flufftober is over.

It’s angstvember my friends and I’m sorry, all I’ve been thinking about lately is tedmort breaking up.

[chubbygaysunite]

i don’t build WIP playlists because i think that my characters would listen to the entirety of the music hosted on Chuck (2007-2012), it’s because I’m imagining an anime-style credit sequence where the protagonist is floating face-down in a pool to Luisa’s Bones by Crooked Fingers

[propertyofwicked]

SECRETS part 3 - LN

lando x fewtrell!reader

no content warnings for this part ! :) (there is more fluff in this part, finally)

p.s i wrote half of this on a train that smelt so bad so if its bad we blame thameslink <3

previous part -> next part

masterlist the playlist

max decided he’d talk to his sister later, right now, he needed to focus on being there for lando. right now, they were sat in the mclaren garage, qualifiers underway and lando doing so well. even y/n started to believe she was a lucky charm. and indeed, lando now believed she was 100% his lucky charm.

the moment his post-qualifying responsibilities ended, he came bounding over to y/n and max, first taking max into what y/n could only describe as a bro hug, ending when he swiftly moved to embrace her, mumbling a chant of ‘thank yous’ in her ear. he caught max in an awkward stare, prompting him to let go of y/n.

“thank me? what for? that was all you lan,” she said, smiling up at him as she moved her arms to cross over her chest.

“thanks to my lucky charm,” he said to both of them, but smirking at y/n, “im starting 2nd on the grid tomorrow. strong start means a strong race,” he finished, still beaming from ear to ear.

“me and y/n are going out for some food in a bit if you wanna join mate,” max said, smiling back at his friend.

“yeah sounds good. ive got to shower, but i’ll swing by and pick you both up from your hotel at 5?”

“perfect, see you there mate.”

the drive back to the hotel was silent, y/n assumed her brother was tired, her brother was in fact thinking. more specifically, thinking about his sister and where she had been the night before. he tried to stop his mind wandering further and yet, images of his sister and best friend infiltrated his thoughts. max’s brain couldn’t stop dwelling on the way lando embraced his sister, how his hands gripped at her waist, and then he thought back to that night in monaco. the way his best friend stood behind y/n, his hands on her waist, her head rolled back onto his shoulder as they danced to the music. before he knew it, the fear and anger he thought had dissipated months ago, was bubbling back inside of him, his hands gripping the steering wheel to ground him from the feeling.

y/n noticed. of course she did. spending 20 years of your life around someone tends to give you the ability to read their every emotion - and this one was one that y/n was not too familiar with. max usually held his anger and sadness well, so the only times she’d seen this was in his earlier driving career when races didn’t go his way. she hoped so desperately he wasn’t angry with her, after all, nothing had happened, and as far as she was aware, nothing would happen.

by the time 5 o’clock came around, max had returned to his normal self, conversing with y/n normally. that’s a good sign, y/n thought to herself. and now, he was chatting to lando as he drove them to a restaurant outside of the town they were staying in. it was all going so well, max was calm, y/n and lando were friends again and nothing could ruin this moment.

“y/n, why is your lip balm in lando’s centre console?”

shit.

“oh i think it fell out the top of my bag when i climbed in the back,” she said panicked, her eyes quickly darting to lando, who was suddenly very interested in the road ahead. max seemed ok with her answer, humming with a quick nod before continuing his conversation with lando. y/n, however, was filled with a new wave of anxiety. why did she feel like this? she hadn’t even done anything? and yet, her mind was now plagued with guilt.

her hands came together, playing with her fingers and twisting her rings around to calm the anxious thoughts, a trait she’d had since childhood. lando glanced at her in his rear view mirror, seeing her facial expressions - her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth falling into a natural frown. he then spotted her hands. he tried to join her into the conversation, tried to distract her, but soon enough they were parked and walking into the restaurant. max chose to sit opposite his sister, leaving lando and y/n pushed together in the booth.

her foot tapped the floor, shaking her whole leg, as the boys talked, y/n chiming in occasionally.

“mum and dad are coming up tonight for the race tomorrow,” lando said to max, but his hand came to brush the side of y/n’s bouncing leg, his finger drawing small circles on her thigh, “they’re staying in your hotel i think.”

“good thing you did well today then isn’t it,” max replied, laughing slightly, “i can drive them to the track tomorrow morning if they want?”

“i’ll ask, im sure they’ll be glad. dad hates driving before my races, gets to nervous and forgets to indicate,” lando responds, joining max in laughing at the thought of adam norris forgetting how to drive.

“i’m just gonna run to the toilet, do either of you want a drink whilst im up?” max asked, pushing his chair back under the table as he stands. y/n nods, asking for another diet coke whilst lando declines, holding up his half full glass.

the moment max disappears from sight, lando takes y/n's hand in his, brushing his thumb up and down the back, her leg slowing its bouncing.

“what’s wrong?” he asks, quietly, sad eyes coming to meet hers.

“my lip balm lando. i don’t want to know the conclusions max will jump to, and i don’t want to be on the receiving end of his anger.”

“it’ll be fine, i promise. he’s got nothing to be angry about, we’ve done nothing wrong.”

“you didn’t see him earlier. i thought he was going to rip the steering wheel off.”

“we’ve done nothing wrong,” he repeats, “besides, you’re a grown woman who makes her own life decisions. fuck it if he has a problem.” y/n nodded in response. he had a point. she was a strong independent woman, she didn’t need her brothers permission to do anything.

for the rest of the evening, she re-joined conversations, feeling a new sense of confidence in herself that she had been lacking all weekend.

-

race day had approached quickly, y/n found herself sat in lando’s drivers room. max and lando’s parents had gone for a walk to grab some food, leaving the two of them alone. lando was pacing, his pre race nerves grew stronger every minute. quite frankly, y/n was sick of it - she sat back on the sofa, her eyes darting back and forth like the audience at a tennis match as she followed lando’s strides back and forth across the small room.

“lan?” she asked him, but he didn’t stop moving, and barely grunted to acknowledge that she’d spoken.

“lando? can you stop pacing? you’re making me dizzy,” she said with a sigh, and he finally came to a stop, and turned to look at her.

“sorry,” he said, smiling at her, as she stood up and walked towards him.

similar to last night, she took both of his hands in hers, pulling them to rest at the top of her chest. her eyes found his, staring directly into them.

“you nervous?”

“how could you tell?” he said, laughing slightly.

“you don’t need to be, you smashed qualis and you’ll smash this. besides, your lucky charm is here to save the day,” y/n said, adding a grin at the end of her sentence. the room fell into silence as he mulled her words over in his head. she was still looking at him, and he tried not to break the eye contact, but his eyes gradually dropped to look at her lips. she was still smiling at him, trying to calm him down the only way y/n knew how to. and she was still smiling at him when he leant down slightly, closing the gap between them even more.

“can i kiss you?” he asked slowly, as if to test the waters, the tension between them rising more than it ever had.

“i think that would be ok,” she said. he didn’t wait to join their lips together finally, pressing a soft kiss to her lips as his hands dropped from hers to fall and grip her waist softly. y/n’s hands moved to rest on the back of his neck, pulling him in closer, his tongue swiping her lower lip as her mouth parted to deepen the kiss.

he could’ve stayed in that moment forever, and he would’ve if a knock hadn’t interrupted the moment - y/n tensed up at the sound.

“lando are you ready? it’s time to get in the car.”

“uhh, yea. just give me a second,” he said, glancing down, first at y/n, panic leaving her shoulders as she established it wasn’t max, and then down to his fireproofs, readjusting the rest of his suit around his waist.

“we need you now, lando,” the voice said again, staying behind the door.

“we’ll continue this later,” he said pressing another kiss to her lips and her forehead, before walking to the door.

she grabbed her phone, her best friend was the only person she could trust to advise her now.

“well done lando, that’s p2,” lando’s race engineer announced through the radio, cheers erupting in the garage. y/n moved to cisca’s embrace, celebrating his win, after spending the entire race on the edge of their seats. the group, consisting of max, y/n and lando’s parents moved round to where lando’s car would pull in, excited to celebrate his podium with him.

when he was finally free from the cockpit, he moved to push his visor up, eyes darting around the crowd in hopes of spotting a familiar face. he spotted his mum first, and then the girl stood next to her. her smile could outshine the sun, he had thought to himself as he made great strides towards the group. lando reached over the low fencing, grabbing his mum into a tight embrace, her hand rubbing up and down his back supportively. when he stepped back and looked to his right, he saw y/n again. still smiling up at him. he would never get tired of seeing her smile.

his hands moved to her face, holding her jaw, eyes staring into hers. she couldn’t see his smile through his helmet, but she knew he was beaming. her own hands had risen to hold the sides of his helmet. he stared for a second longer before moving to pull her into an embrace tighter than his mums.

“my lucky charm,” he said to her, loud enough for a few people around her to hear.

“go get weighed and finish up. ill see you after,” she said as he pulled back, him nodding at her. just as he turned to celebrate with the rest of the team, she pulled him back.

“oh, and lando - im proud of you.” with that he left.

y/n turned to her side, looking at cisca, who was still smiling, an odd glint to her eyes. she then turned behind her, expecting to see her brother. but he wasn’t there.

“adam? where’s max?” she asked the man who had been stood next to max.

“he, um, he just left. didn’t say anything to me. he just kind of, walked off?” lando’s dad responded, looking as confused as she did.

this was not good. in fact, this was very bad.

★ ☆ ✦ ✧ ✩ ✶

tag list: @harrysdimple05 @scopeiguess @hiireadstuff @landosgirlxoxo @natt9598 @phantomxoxo @val-writes @secretgal66 @ririyulife @littlehoneyfreak @leclercdream

[causenessus]

try again

part 0.7. MY PERSON

“today he is sitting across from a mother and kid. he is thankful that they chose the other wall to sit against, and not his seat by the bookshelf, but he’s a little unsure what to do himself, for once not alone in the waiting room. it’s not as if he ever does anything alone, but he doesn’t feel like he can drown in his own thoughts and curiosities. instead, he’s been sneaking glances towards them. if a mother and her kid are waiting outside, who are they waiting for? he wants to know what their lives are like. what happened that brought them here? what is the mother thinking right now? does she blame herself for whoever she’s waiting for? he needs to stop assuming things. he tries to focus on the music instead. it’s much different from songs he’s used to hearing, in a good way. it makes him wonder, is this what her usual playlist is like? is she queuing up songs for him? or maybe she plays specific songs for all her patients. this particular song is quite universal: “i’d like to walk around in your mind someday." that was something everyone wished they could do. maybe she knows that this mother waits outside the door every therapy appointment, and plays music that she likes, "i’d like to walk all over the things you say to me." the sound of a doorknob twisting interrupts his thoughts, and he can’t help but look up as they walk out the door. they’re younger than he would have expected, but their eyes look aged and tired; so do his. "i'd turn away the sad impossibility of your smile.”

“so, you decided to come back?” she’s the one who speaks first this time, and it’s almost more venomous than the words he first spoke to her upon their meeting last week. the multiple implications underlying the sentence are obvious to both of them, cutting through the air and only leaving silence behind.

he can only nod awkwardly, unsure of what he could possibly say back in response to the rightful accusation. he sits down stiffly onto her couch like he did before, around a week ago, waiting for her to sit across from him.

‘you decided to finally text back? did you decide you didn’t want to actually abandon me again? did you miss me like i missed you?’

she’s holding back every urge to ask him why he hasn’t talked to her until just now. her thoughts quickly turn from angry to petty claims. 

she feels like shit as soon as she says it, already wishing to take back the only six words she’s said to him today. six words and she’s already fucked up. it feels nearly impossible for her to maintain a stoic face and pretend like nothing’s wrong. she hopes that if she can remain a professional pillar between the two of them, acting like there weren't actually multiple meanings to her question, they can both look past it. she needs to put him before her own feelings of anger, hurt, obsession, whatever the fuck they were. she’ll deal with herself later, she needs to be here for him first, as a therapist, not as herself.

“what’s up? are you thinking of coming in regularly or just whenever you need it?” she asks, pulling her computer from the table next to her into her lap as she sits down. 

he blinks once, “i want to come in regularly. like i told you before, i want to see you. and if that means forcing you to see me for just an hour every week, i’ll take it.”

‘oh for fuck’s sake.’

her fingers freeze over her keyboard, looking up at him. he was making this incredibly difficult and she was so weak when it came to him, she couldn’t even keep her own word. she couldn’t understand his duality, or the reason behind his actions. was there even any reasoning? he was always so calm and collected, calculating each and every one of his actions; he had to have a reason for ghosting her and then acting like he cared. unless he didn’t understand his own feelings, because hell if she did.

“okay,” she chooses to say, not addressing the statement nor blatantly ignoring it. she averts her eyes back to her computer screen. it was blank, deride of any thoughts. she knows his charcoal black eyes are still on her, and they weigh heavy on her. she can barely think, feeling vulnerable under his gaze as if he can see right through her. he’s the patient here, she’s the one who should leading him through the session, and yet he’s still commanding the room.

she tries her best to stand back up to him, “well, if you have anything on your mind you wanted to talk about in particular today, we can start with that. or we can pick up where we left off last week, with you just trying to update me on what’s currently going on in your life. this is your time, so just tell me what you want.”

he takes a moment to respond, thinking about what’s pressing on his mind most at the moment, “i do have something i want to talk about, but it loops back in to what’s been going on recently as well.” he waits for her to stop typing, for her eyes to flick back up to meet his before he keeps going, “i told you last week about the day how getting benched has messed with me. i tried to write down everything that was stressing me out like you said to, which helped a bit but it really only made me more aware of all my problems and how they’re not getting better. i’m still shoving down all my anger every day, and maybe i’m not doing a good job of it, or i'm just reaching a breaking point because my teammates–they always give me these looks after games. they know me, and i guess they care about me. they always check in on me, but i hate that they can tell, and i hate the way they look at me, even if they mean well. it’s like they’re scared of me getting mad and blowing up. i've been talking to them less so that they don't worry about me but then i get scared that i’m losing them. i just don’t want them to be scared of me or worried about me. i don’t want their pity, i want them to treat me normally. not like i’m gonna break if they say one wrong thing to me.”

“well first of all, be confident that they care about you. don’t say you think they do. you just acknowledged how they're always checking in on you, and it's obvious you care about them, too. you value their friendships and comfort or else you wouldn’t be stressed about what they thought of you. it’s not weak of you to be cared for or to have breaking points. everyone has a limit to how much they can take, but you’re not supposed to just hold it all in until you can’t possibly take anymore,” she advises back, eyes focused on her screen as she types away while talking. “that’s why atsumu recommended for you to talk to someone. because if you’re not going to talk to them–which it sounds like they’re willing to listen but it’s all about who you’re comfortable talking to–you at least should talk to someone else. instead of holding in all your anger, find a way to get it out. set boundaries with your coach, practice spiking and receiving volleyballs without him around, and hit those fuckers as hard as you want. maybe give atsumu a broken nose,” she looks up with a cheeky smile on her face, the both of them sharing a small laugh, and things start to feel more natural as they talk. “or you could find something to do outside of volleyball so that you don’t burn out. find someone to hang out with, outside of your teammates, so that you have an area or relationship in your life not associated with your job. things like that, does that make sense?”

he nods again, and she finishes typing out her notes, which served as a good distraction to stop herself from focusing too much on him. “do any of those suggestions feel right for you? if you’re stressed about how you have all these problems that aren’t getting fixed, i'm trying to brainstorm ways for you to improve them.”

 he replies with the response he’s been formulating in his head to address all of her suggestions, “finding someone or something to do outside of volleyball would be nice, and i think i’ve already found that person, but i always get stuck in my head about how shitty i am. no one actually likes me, everyone’s just tolerating me. maybe my friends care about me, but eventually, they’ll get tired of my problems or how i treat them so horribly. i'm my own reason for why everything in my life has gone to hell, and it makes me feel like i don’t deserve anything good. i’m too scared to ever speak my mind, and i end up hurting everyone i’ve ever cared about, including you. i left you when you needed me the most.”

her fingers have been flying across her keyboard, but they freeze, splayed out hovering above the keys at his last sentence, “what are you talking about?” she asks her throat closing up.

“atsumu made me realize it was my fault we got distant, and it was when you needed the most help, too. i never said anything first when you started to drift, and you thought it was your fault. i’m sorry,” he answers, hooded eyes boring into her own. they’re as passive as always, yet she can feel how genuine his words are and can’t find it in her to look away.

she shakes her head, trying to force herself out of the daze, “sakusa– don’t– focus on you. don’t talk about us right now.” she makes herself look back down at her computer. she’ll makes a note to chew out atsumu for being an instigator, but for now gives him her full attention. she listens to the rest of his anxieties, reassuring him while holding back things she wants to say that are too personal and emotional to be professional.

she wants to stand up and hug him. tell him that he deserves love and he hasn’t ruined anything. that even if he’s made mistakes, that’s normal, and it’s not the end of the world. she wants to tell him that she forgives him and that none of his friends are looking at him in fear; they just want to know how best to support him, but he isn’t telling them how. he’s sitting in her office, apologizing and bringing himself down for not supporting her when she needed it, and he thinks he's selfish.

he couldn’t be more wrong. she wants to tell him how well he’s doing, acknowledging his problems and trying to save his relationships. she’s been crying for a reason as to why he left her for years, and here’s his apology now. she couldn’t be more moved by his words, and it’s like all this time she’s spent, hoping he would come back into her life and truly be there has paid off. although he left for a time, he came back. he didn’t leave her when times got tough purposely, it was just a typical case of miscommunication, which she admits was also partially her fault and apologizes for.

they go 15 minutes past when their allotted time should’ve ended, and it takes all of the strength in her to set her computer aside and signal that their time is up. they agree to meet again next wednesday, and then he asks her one more question that makes her freeze, hand wrapped around her door handle.

“is it okay if i text you outside of therapy? and not just as a client?” he’s too nervous to finish the question, but the implication is clear: ‘can i text you as a friend?’

she wants to say yes, but the question weighs heavy in her mind, and she stops to really consider it. is it right for her to keep in such close contact with a patient, and regard them as more than such? she thinks it’s okay. atsumu and her have been fine. it’s not the same as with sakusa, because her feelings for him go deeper than even just being friends, but it’ll be okay. because most of all, she wants to be a root for him. if he needs her to keep listening to him, she will always listen to him and be there for him, outside of their hour or not.

“yes, that’s fine,” she finally answers, turning to him. “and maybe that’ll keep this from becoming a habit. i’m not supposed to keep you past your appointment so long, you know,” she scolds playfully, a small smile on her face. she opens the door for him, holding it open with her back pressed against it as he walks past her.

there’s a smile on his face, too, and it doesn’t feel so scary anymore when he stops in front of her, his head tilting down to look at her, “you’re the one who suggested for me to have someone outside of work to talk to. i want that to be you.”

she tries not to let the words affect her too much, but a chill runs down her spine under his piercing gaze. she crosses her arms, looking back at him, ignoring how he towers over her as best as she can, “you’re surprisingly bold and demanding for someone who was just mulling about how no one likes you.”

“wow, do you talk to all your clients like this? listening to them and then turning around and using their insecurities against them on their way out?” he teases, and she swears he leans closer. there’s a tension between them, but it’s different than before. it's not bad, they're joking with each other now, they're just looking at each other like they want to say something more.

“just you and atsumu,” she shoots back, and for the first time since their fingers brushed the night he walked her home, she touches him, a hand on his chest to push him back before she overheats from his proximity. “you both have rubbed off on each other too much, all sass and no bite. you need to go, or else i’ll get in trouble.”

he obeys her touch, turning back to walk out the door as he chuckles, “with who? no one’s waiting out here. you’re just kicking me out to be rude.”

she waves him off, shooing him out the room, “just text me. i’ll respond, i promise.”

he turns back to her once more, a look in his eye that she almost wants to describe as gratefulness or adoration. she can’t say she’s not looking at him the same way back, or deny how her heart’s beating rapidly in her chest.

they’re going to text. they’re going to talk again like friends. they’re going to try this again.

prev. | m.list | next

extras <3

CRANKED THIS OUT IN ONE DAY SO IF THERE'S MISTAKES I'M SORRY

lots of yapping i'm sorry <3 i just really wanted to develop and add depth to the both of their characters!! with them having actual feelings and y/n giving actual advice rather than skipping over what their therapy sessions look like!!

and the parallels of their first meeting to their second one <3 who talks and says something they don't mean first <3 omi walking past y/n the first time vs. when he does actually stop in front of her <3

yeah they were def looking at each other when he stopped in front of her

all of y/n's plants are named after like carpentry/construction tools

my favorite is dewalt cordless hammer drill 20v

taglist: @eggyrocks @wyrcan @guitarstringed-scars @strawberryuri @violetesensou @kakeru-eem @glmge @heytheredemonsss @mollyrolls @bemebiu @daszy @snail-squasher @0moonii @thiisisntlovely @todorokiskitten @rory-cakes @iiwaijime @iatethemochi @yuminako @savemebrazilhinata @kismyscars @bokutoko @nobodybutnnoorr @wolffmaiden @daisy-room @softpia @lees-chaotic-brain @v3nusplanetofluv @crispchocolates @phoenix-eclipses @hhoneyhan @encrypta @rockleeisbaeeee @cr4yolaas @zombriesworld @localgaytrainwreck @moucheslove @hibernatinghamster @notverymarley @certaindreampost @akaakeis @ciderscape @lucien-luna @strawbrinkofdeath @wave2mia @samuel1004 @01trickster10 @dazqa @cosmiicdust @chemiru (form to be added to taglist! <3)

[bloodylullaby]

Author's Note: I decided to start listening to my favorite sad songs and thought about writing a Noah one shot to Dance Gavin Dance's song Betrayed By The Game. I even incourperated the lyrics into it, so please enjoy!

Paring: Noah x Fem reader

Trigger Warning: Car crash, mention of crawling through broken glass, mentions of broken bones and bleeding.

Word Count: 1221

As I lay in bed, vulnerable and with a wounded pride, I'm surrounded by open wounds, fear oozing out of every pore. I never thought this breakup with Noah would hit me so hard, Yet here I am, lying in bed, struggling to breathe, overwhelmed by the sense that I deserve to face this pain alone for what I've done. I roll over to his side and inhale deeply, burying my face into the pillow, catching a lingering trace of his scent. The bed still smells like I’m not all alone. 

I reach for my phone on the bedside table, my heart pounding with a flicker of hope. Yet, as I unlock it, the screen remains as hollow and empty as ever, devoid of any trace of a notification from him. It’s been a long month since Noah ended things, and the blame lies solely with me. I let fear consume me as our relationship grew more serious. Noah and I had a twisted game of trying to incite jealousy in each other. That night at the bar, while Noah was engrossed in a game of pool with Nick, I found myself the object of someone else's attention. With the stranger's touch and my complicity, things escalated beyond my intentions. Noah reached his breaking point, and the next day, he left to stay with his bandmates.

I majorly fucked up, and now I'm reaping what I sowed. I look out the window, and the feelings start roaring within me again. It’s pouring down rain, matching how I'm feeling inside. I take a deep breath and pick up my car keys, deciding to go for a drive. I slip on my shoes and head out without an umbrella or jacket, letting the warm rain wash the pain away as I slowly walk to my car. By the time I reach it, I'm drenched. I turn on the car and crank up the radio, playing my break-up playlist at total volume, letting the music drown out the running thoughts in my mind.

As I navigate the winding road, lost in the distraction of singing along to the music at the top of my lungs and changing the song, I fail to notice the slickness of the pavement. Suddenly, the car starts to hydroplane, sliding dangerously out of control. Panic sets in as I desperately try to regain traction, but it's too late. The vehicle veers off course, hurtling towards a looming tree at a terrifying speed.

I groan as the airbag deploys, the impact jarring my senses. Pain shoots through my face, feeling like I now have a fractured nose, split lip, and eyebrow. Blood trickles into my mouth, mingling with the suffocating scent of smoke. This isn't good, especially with the airbag deployed. I deflate it to free my arms, struggling to unbuckle my seat belt. I push the door open with effort, ensuring my phone is still clutched in my right hand. I let my upper body slump out of the car, leveraging gravity to ease my bottom half out of the vehicle.

I scream as I land on a carpet of shattered glass, the shards digging into my skin. Ignoring the pain, I force myself to keep moving, crawling through the debris with determination. Every inch forward is a battle against the jagged obstacles, but I refuse to be deterred until I know I am safe from my car in case it catches fire. With a huff, I gather the strength to shift into a slight sitting position, intending to assess the damage. However, what I see makes my breath catch in my throat.

My car is a mangled wreck from the front, the metal crumpled and twisted. It's a miracle I survived the impact. The sight alone triggers a panic attack, and I'm overwhelmed, choking on tears. Sobbing uncontrollably from fear, I frantically take in my surroundings. As my life flashes before my eyes, all I see is Noah and me. My sobs come out longer and harder now, and I grab my phone and unlock it, clicking on his name to call. As it rang, my panic increased out of fear that he might not answer me, but after the fourth ring, the line picked up.

“Hello?” Noah asked relevantly and confusedly, sounding like he had come out of a deep sleep. I started to sob harder. “[Y/N]? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He asked, slightly more alarmed.

“I just crashed my car��.and….and…I love you so much, Noah. I miss you so much. I know we fucked everything up this time, but I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop loving you. I still love you so much, Noah," I sobbed into my phone. Suddenly, I heard ruffling and panicking on the other side of the phone. 

"Goddammit, [Y/N], are you okay? Did you call the police?" Noah's voice crackled with concern, a barrage of questions following. Another sob wrenches from my throat, raw and hoarse.

"No, you were my first thought when I decided who to call. I'm so scared, Noah. I need you," I pleaded.

"I know it's scary, baby, but take some deep breaths with me, okay?" he instructed gently as we went through breathing exercises. "I know you're still sharing your location with me, so I will call the police while I head over to you. Are you going to be okay?" he asked, his concern evident in his voice.

"Yes," I stammered, feeling slightly hopeful that things weren't as terrible as they seemed. I could hear Noah sigh in relief. 

"Okay, the boys and I will be there soon. Don't move too much; I don't want you to worsen any injuries just in case they could be life-threatening," he stated firmly. I murmured an okay and an "I love you" in response. After he said it, he hung up, leaving me alone again. After what seemed like an eternity, I began to hear a car nearby and prayed with great intensity that it was Noah. Not far from where I was, the distant wail of sirens pierced through the night, signaling that help was coming.

There were screeching tires and then running footsteps coming in my direction. I turned my head slightly to see it was Noah, with a mixture of worry and horror on his face when he saw how bad the wreckage was. "[Y/N], baby, I'm so glad you're okay," Noah began to exclaim rapidly as he slowly kneeled beside me, his eyes scanning over the damage down to my body. As the sirens get closer, Noah looks deep into my eyes. He suddenly and gently kisses me, then leans his forehead on mine.

 "You're never leaving my side again, got it? We'll work through our problems together and do whatever needs to be done, whether that's therapy or a different route. But I'm moving back in immediately," he states firmly. All I could do was nod my head as tears streamed down my face once again. Noah gently wipes the tears away and pulls me into a comforting embrace. As the police and ambulance arrive, he talks me through what's about to happen and assures me that he'll be by my side every step. Eventually, he accompanies me in the back of the ambulance, with the boys following closely behind in their car. 

[reirasheadcanons]

The hashira— and songs they could listen on repeat

Author's note: First time writing something about all the hashira at once, English isn't my first language so I apologise if I make any mistakes<3

Cw: slightly mention of death, sad flashbacks/backstories.

Hope you enjoy!!

Also, I'm free and open to all the requests and recommendations<33

Himejima Gyomei:

—Put your hands on my shoulder

Although it's quite unusual for him to listen to songs and all he has a favourite one.

I know you are probably thinking that this song doesn't quite fit with his vibe and all but you all are obviously wrong.

I believe it's a song near to his 'vibe'. I can imagine Gyomei listening to it one repeat (it's also kinda old fashioned and all).

Uzui Tengen:

—Hey Daddy(Daddy's home)

For some very obvious reasons, this song is all his.

Although, Suma was the one that firstly 'introduced' him to the song and he LOVED IT, he quickly became attached to music apps.

He was also the one who introduced music and Spotify to Rengoku as well as they made their own playlists together.

Rengoku Kyojyro:

—Where is smiley

As I said before, Tengen introduced him to Spotify and music and he basically made him listen to that song. Of course Kyo LOVED it from the beginning.

After his missions he gets back home and shows to his little brother all the songs he likes. They also listen them together.

After Kyojyro's death his brother was sitting all alone, listening to his favourite songs wishing his big brother was with him.

Iguro Obanai:

—Something about you

Yeah he listens that song because it reminds him of Kanroji. He is crazy in love with her and everyone can see it—expect Mitsuri—.

I can also imagine him listening 'Les' by Childish Gambino. In general, he can listen to all love songs about a guy who loves a woman but can't have her because he's a mess and all.

Although he grew up being afraid of women, she was the exception. He wants her to know that. For him, she is different.

Mitsuri Kanroji:

—Not allowed

Hear me out on this one.

I know it may not match her cute vibe and aura but I can literally imagine her going crazy over TV girl.

She maybe listens to a lot of love songs and all but I wanted to put something different that she may actually listen other than basic love songs.

Kocho Shinobu:

—Gilded lily

She relates to the lyrics way too much. All her life she tried to stay perfect and conscious. She was just a little girl when she lost everything.

Her parents, her sister, her happiness. Everything that kept her alive just disappeared.

The song symbolises her life. She lost everything in a blink of an eye and after all of that trauma she 'came back to life' as a whole different persona.

Shinazugawa Sanemi:

—Everything I ever wanted

He killed his own mother in order to protect his younger siblings. If he had a chance to go back in time and examine the whole situation, maybe he and Genya could be dead.

He blames himself for everything that happened that day and he wishes to change everything.

That song helps him keep going, trying for a better future as well as it makes him remember all the good memories he had with his siblings back then.

Tomioka Giyuu:

—The night we met

One word. Sabito. Yep, this song was for him. His one and only favourite childhood friend.

As a child, Giyuu was really introvert and always scared. His backstory, his parent's and sister's death led him to be that way. He lost his sparkly gaze, his innocence.

For the first time he met Sabito, he felt relieved—as if they were meant, as if they were destined to meet—. Losing him too, destroyed him even more.

Muichiro Tokito:

—New person

As the youngest hashira, he had experienced trauma in a variety of types—both psychological and physical—.

After his twin brother's death, he changed as a person. He lost himself and he couldn't remember even the slightest thing about his past. For him, that song 'wakes up' an known feeling inside him.

Listening to music all by himself on his mansion calms him down, making him forget all the pain and stress he's been through.

[exilethegame]

Hiii as someone who ADORES making playlists to listen while reading can I ask if there's a commander playlist? I know it might be difficult because of how the player chooses but are there any songs you'd say just fit no matter the route?

I don't have a Commander playlist, no! I've considered making one, but I can never pick a genre of music to stick with. I do however have playlists for all the ROs, Marcelle, + Trystan tho! You can find those here (and yes, this did remind me to update them today <3).

That being said, while I've never made an official playlist, I do have some songs that I think fit all Commanders as a basic character.

Goodbye - Apparat, Soap&Skin

"Lay down next to me, don't listen when I scream. Bury your doubts and fall asleep. / Find out I was just a bad dream. / Let the bed sheet soak up my tears, and watch the only way out disappear. / Don't tell me why. Kiss me goodbye."

When You Break - Bear's Den

"When you break, it's too late for you to fall apart. / And the blame that you claim, is all your own fault . . . / You keep begging for forgiveness, but you don't think you've done wrong."

Clap When You're Gone - Chelsea Wolfe

"They'll clap when you die. / They'll love you when you're dead. / And they'll understand. / And you'll be forgiven then."

Eight - Sleeping At Last

"I was just a kid who grew up strong enough to pick this armor up / and suddenly it fit. / God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago. / I was little, I was weak and perfectly naive / and I grew up too quick."

Wolves of the Revolution - The Arcadian Wild

" . . . From the wolves you run, barefoot. / With their libelous, venomous words, they shoot . . . / And you're trapped inside of your own heart. / It's a spectator's sport, just play your part."

A Good Man - Semler

"I think you'd rather they hate you, but I don't think they do. / They're just sad you keep killing the good man in you. / Oh, what have you become? / Oh, you were your mother's son."

[celticwolf55]

Do you have any songs that, when you listen to them, you think of wenclair? Like when I listen to miss you by Josh Makazo, I automatically think about wednesday being sad about Enid temporarily leaving her. And idk if you speak Spanish, but Tanto by Jesse & Joy is them. I mean, the lyrics literally are

"I love you so much I feel stupid

Stupid that it hurts when you aren't here

And so you can imagine how much

Count all the stars and add one more"

Also, have you heard of Epic the Musical? If you haven't, you should give it a listen. It's amazing and the song Little Wolf reminds me of Enid's fight with tyler. The fight in Little Wolf starts in the song Legendary right before it in defense of someone

I actually tend to make playlists depending on what story I am writing.

The first one I made was just things that gave me Wenclair vibes or was cello covers, and it has hundreds of songs in it. But then I started to make playlists that were specific to the story I was working on.

When I was writing Fake it till you make it, I literally listened to Reckless Diving on repeat for months. I also religiously listened to Mercy by Shawn Mendes to get the vibes as well as a lovely cello cover by GnuS Cello (which made it into the fic itself).

I am not familiar with the song you are specifically talking about or the artist, but I will look it up for sure. I do not speak Spanish, but I am learning Danish which is an absolute bitch of a language to learn as a native English speaker.

And YES I am obsessed with Epic! I often listen to the sagas when I go to the gym. I can totally see the whole Little Wolf being their fight, but I think there was a whole animatic I had in my head around one of the first sagas' songs. I think it was from Just a man with these lyrics:

But when does comet become a meteor?

When does a candle become a blaze?

When does a man become a monster?

When does a ripple become a tidal wave?

When does the reason become the blame?

When does a man become a monster?

(When does comet become a meteor?)

(When does a candle become a blaze?) forgive me

(When does a man become a monster?) forgive me

(When does a man become a monster?) forgive me

I'm certain I had a whole ass thing in my head about Enid struggling with her wolf side, but I will probably never make it.

For anyone that wants my playlists, here are several:

Specifically the songs Morticia and Wednesday play together in this story:

And this is just a general one for when I need background noise without lyrics:

And the Wenclair one I was talking about:

[verdemoun]

How do you think John would react to the song Second Child, Restless Child (because he is the second son to Hosea and Dutch) or just any of the gang to various The Oh Hellos songs of songs by Madds Buckley (if you don’t listen to them I definitely recommend because it’s a hood vibe for rdr2 stuff :>

Listening to new music is trial for me but thanks I cried over Wine and Wheat that's going on the playlist.

John has a playlist of just... angsty music that is his outlet for how conflicted he is over seeing Dutch and even Hosea. He has a better relationship with Hosea in timewarp but also Arthur was always Hosea's favorite son, and John was always Dutch's clone.

shout out to @eggsaladsweetie but wolf by first aid kit? like john is sitting in a parked car at night just listening to it. second child, restless child is def on his construction work mixtape which is mostly oh hellos vibe contently moving lumber meanwhile oblivious to charles's slightly concerned looks over 'the devil whispered lies i believed'

John is guilty of forgetting he has earplugs in and shouting in conversations. And it's all just angst. any playlist on spotify about daddy issues or toxic parents he listened to

TEAR MY HEART OUT Madd Buckley belongs to Molly and Kieran. They are the sad sapphos of the gang their dms are just back and forward random pictures, photos and song recommendations.

Unpacking Wine and Wheat a little Molly absolutely listens to songs about religious trauma from the perspective of Dutch being the VDL's god (now i've got god's ear). finding love and being in a healthy relationship is her salvation but still loathes herself for needing to find peace with the idea of betraying 'god'

the intensity of her hatred for dutch post therapy is like a thousand suns burning. also molly wasn't a rat 2k24. her mind was so warped by Dutch that realizing how toxic and imbalanced their relationship was still feels like a betrayal because of how much he preached loyalty.

Kieran has had it too easy lately reminder he is a damaged traumatized soul. he listens to Wine and Wheat and is almost in tears because he is deeply religious and really feels god have mercy on them/god have mercy on me but the idea of being torn between love and god. being an outlaw gang leaders were treated as gods like it or not he was devoted to colm and it feels like a black mark on his soul. he loved the vdls but still (forcedly) betrayed them at colm's order

when they were still trying to understand timewarp and realized how shortly after their deaths colm was executed, someone asked the offhanded question if that meant colm o'driscoll would timewarp too - and it was panic. kieran was hyperventilating, holding fistfuls of his hair painfully tightly as he sank to the floor.

months, years, decades later, he still can't convince himself he wouldn't betray the gang again at colm's command/torture and he would rather die than break their trust again. no amount of assurance that there's no blame or ill will towards him for talking in that situation will make him forgive himself

as much as kieran is trying to quit smoking, it is not uncommon to find him sitting outside at dark hours of morning with a cigarette in his shaking hand because he had a nightmare about colm, either reliving what happened in 1899 or fever dreams about colm coming back in modern era. the gang are very used to checking outside the windows if they're awake that late/early, and silently sitting with him so he isn't alone until he's ready to try to go back to sleep

[autumnshighlady]

I’ve Always Liked to Play With Fire (part 2)

NESTA ARCHERON X FEMALE!READER (future Neris x reader)

summary: The day after the disastrous dinner, you and Nest have a talk.

warnings: MAJOR inner circle slander, if you love Feysand and will defend them please do not read this fic for your own sanity, angst, VIOLENCE, gore, flashbacks, implied SA jokes, trauma, literally so much sadness i cried writing

word count: 4.2k

DO NOT REPOST ANYWHERE

a/n: here it is, part 2! I’m so excited for this fic, I have so many ideas. It’s getting longer and longer in my head so y’all are in for a treat! As always, if you cannot handle some anti Feysand and Inner Circle discourse then I would advise you not to read this and cause drama!

feedback is appreciated, just no hate pls! these are just my opinons, im more curious to see how you all like the writing and characterization and storylines!

part 1

read on ao3

Spotify playlist

✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧

You slept fitfully that night, the events of dinner swirling around your brain. The clash of silver and violet eyes haunted your thoughts, memories of the tense atmosphere barring your mind from rest.

Part of you wished that the Night Court had entirely lived up to its reputation of cruelty, that the High Lord had just thrown you in a cell the second you were healed. You hated the politics and scheming, the fancy dinners where it was expected you had to fall to your knees and thank them for their generosity, then provide whatever they asked in return. Even Lucien was just a pawn in their games, whatever they were playing at.

And whatever it was, you vowed you wouldn’t stick around long enough to get too involved.

Nesta wasn’t at breakfast, nor did she show up for lunch. Throughout the day, you realized that you had gotten used to the female’s presence over the past few months. The space around you felt empty and lifeless, as if the warmth had been sucked out of it. But you gave her space for the first half of the day, knowing she was rattled by last night.

But you could not ignore that gnawing worry in the pit of your stomach. You were aware that if Nesta had her way, she would shut out everyone completely, but destroy herself in the process. When the sun set over the mountains in the distance, you decided to knock on her door.

“Nesta?” You said, rapping your knuckles on the wood.

No answer came, but you knew she was in there, as if you could sense her presence. Slowly, you turned the knob on the door and it clicked open, causing you to breathe a sigh of relief. If Nesta truly hadn’t wanted you to come in, the door would have been locked. So you carefully entered the room.

The eldest Archerons sister was sitting on her bed, resting against the headboard with her arms around her knees. The coronet braid had half fallen out, leaving loose strands of hair waving down her neck and shoulders. Her eyes showed no signs of the silver fire, only emptiness. She did not even turn her head to acknowledge you, just continued to stare blankly at the empty fireplace. The room was ice cold, so you grabbed a blanket from the chair and walked over. Wordlessly, you sat down next to her, tossing the blanket over her legs.

“When Feyre and Tamlin returned from Under the Mountain, there was a dinner to celebrate their victory.” You said quietly. “My family was invited. I remember sitting at the dining table, surrounded by food and music. Everyone was celebrating, except your sister. She tried, I’ll give her that, but even I could tell she was miserable. And who could blame her? We were all told what happened in that place, what she had to go through. She was wasting away when she got back to Spring, and when Tamlin locked her up I honestly couldn’t blame her for wanting to get away.”

Nesta blinked once, her only acknowledgement at your words.

“None of us could fathom why she wanted to stay in the Night Court, though.” You continued. “We had heard loud and clear what Rhysand did to her under the mountain, how he twisted her broken arm to force her to make that deal. How he drugged her almost every night and made her dance like a whore for him to piss off Tamlin. I understand that he had a role to play to survive, I cannot blame him for that. But what he did to your sister went beyond that, and none of us understood why she would willingly seek sanctuary with him unless he was forcing her to. That’s why Tamlin went after her so persistently, why he made that alliance with Hybern.

“We were furious, and scared. Tamlin risked our lives just to try and get your sister back by opening up his doors to Hybern. She was worth it to him, but not for us. We never asked for it, but we paid the price. We were forced to live amongst them, tiptoeing around in fear that one wrong look at a Hybern soldier and we’d lose our heads. When Feyre returned to Spring with Tamlin, we had hope again. Hope that, whatever had happened between her and Tamlin, she would maybe try to protect us, the innocent people who asked for no part in this war.”

Your throat closed up. You coughed once, clearing it as you prepared to delve into the most painful parts of your memory.

“But we were wrong,” You continued. “Feyre had no intention of helping anyone in Spring, merely getting back at the High Lord. A few days after Feyre’s return, I was at the manor helping my father collect reports when I overheard a conversation between the priestess, your sister, and Tamlin. That was when I found out what had been done to you and Elain, how Ianthe had given you two to Hybern to be turned into Fae. Believe me, I was happy when Ianthe returned from a stroll in the woods with a shattered hand.

“We felt better when Feyre was back. Tamlin had gotten what he wanted, and Feyre seemed like the type of female who would defend innocent people. For a moment, I thought that maybe the two of them would be able to find a way around Hybern’s agreement, and stop them from taking over the continent. But we were wrong. Feyre valued her vengeance, which I respect. But Tamlin wasn’t the one who paid the price for it, like she wanted him to. She could not separate the people of Spring Court from their leader who had wronged her. It was us who were slaughtered, whose leader was so broken that he did not even try to fight for us. And when things got bad, after Feyre was satisfied that she had torn the Spring Court apart, she ran right back to the safety of Rhysand’s arms.”

A tear fell down your cheek, plopping onto the soft blanket. You weren’t sure how much Nesta knew of your story, how much Lucien or Cassian had told her. Hell, you weren’t even sure about how much she knew about Under the Mountain, based on the way she stiffened when you mentioned what Rhysand had done. Taking a deep breath, you continued.

“The waiting was the worst part. Once we found out what Feyre had done, we knew we were vulnerable. Hybern soldiers went from village to village, slaughtering and pillaging. They left ours for last. We could not run, we had nowhere to go. So we could only wait, sitting there for the other shoe to drop. After a week, they came in the middle of the night. My mother rushed into my room, shaking me awake. I could hear the screams outside, the sounds of swords piercing flesh. But my mother was calm as ever. She stroked my hair and kissed my forehead, telling me how much she loved me. She—”

Your chest heaved in an attempt to contain your sobs. Dragging each word out was like running a knife along an open wound, and every instinct told you to stop, to repress it and never think about it again, but you kept going. For some reason, you felt like Nesta needed to hear it, needed to know that she was not alone in her struggles.

“She gave me a small vial with clear liquid and told me to drink it,” You said. “I asked her why, and she said it would make everything go away. I knew it was poison, aimed to bring a quick but painless death. My mother knew that there was no escaping the Hybern massacre, no way we could get out of it. So she wanted me to die in the easiest way possible, to save me from the suffering that was bound to await me if I lived. So I gulped it down, trying not to cry as she hugged me one last time before grabbing a knife from the kitchen and storming out into the clearing where the fighting was.

“I should have stayed in my room. But I crept out after her a few minutes later, wanting to see if anyone I knew was escaping. I peeked out the window, and saw my mother standing over my father’s lifeless body, kitchen knife in hand. I barely recognized him – half his leg was missing, his face so covered in gore it may have been impossible to identify him if not for the broach on his jacket from Tamlin. My mother swung the knife blindly, screaming in rage. She did not know how to fight, but she tried. I saw as they sliced her chest open, laughing as her blood coated their uniforms. I vomited, which was my biggest mistake. Some of the poison had worked its way into my system, enough to make me groggy. But the rest of the dose I had thrown up, losing my chance at a peaceful death.

“A Hybern soldier heard me, and broke into our house with my mother’s blood still staining his hands. They leered as they beat me bloody, arguing over who would get first turn with me. I begged the Mother to kill me swiftly, so I wouldn’t have to endure their torture. They used their first and their knives, laughing like it was a game. Before they could kill me, I heard a vicious scream. My best friend, Sapphyra, had burst into the room looking for me. She was being trained as a sentry, so she knew how to fight. She didn’t hesitate before swinging her sword at the Hybern soldiers, killing one swiftly before luring them out of the house. I couldn’t speak, if I could I’d have begged her not to do something so reckless. But she lured them out of the house, and they forgot about me. I could hear her, she fought like a lion against them, but there were too many. Through the hole in the wall, I saw as they swarmed her like flies, ripping her head off her body and putting it on a spike. Then everything faded to black, and I woke up in the Night Court.”

You felt thin fingers gently graze your hand, as. Inhaling deeply, you looked down and saw Nesta’s hand gently covering your own. She said nothing, just placed her hand on yours. You almost crumbled apart right then and there at the tenderness from the female who was said to be cold as ice.

“I do not know what happened between you and your sister,” You said carefully. “But I lost everything, everyone, because she decided to take revenge on an entire court for the actions of two fae. I cannot stomach the sight of her sitting here happily, on a mountain of wealth and surrounded by people who have told her that she deserves to be High Lady, after what she did to me and my people. I cannot tolerate being judged by them all just because I am from Spring Court. If she wants to hate Tamlin, fine, but when she looks at me all she sees is him. Just because the only crime I committed was residing in his court.”

You didn’t expect Nesta to say anything. You weren’t sure where she stood with her sister, if she’d try and justify her actions. But the female turned her gaze towards you for the first time – there was still some emptiness to her eyes, but something else was written across her features.

“I am sorry,” She said. “I did not know. Any of that, frankly. All Cassian told me was that you were Lucien’s friend from the Spring Court, we presumed you had gotten injured going off on your own.”

Despite the pain in your chest, you laughed heartlessly. “Of course they conveniently left out the details,” You snorted. “Can’t have people knowing the consequences of their High Lady’s actions.”

“They seem to do that a lot.” Nesta said bitterly.

You took a deep breath, bracing yourself to be lashed out at for what you were about to say. “Nesta, what happened?”

She tensed again beside you, and you prepared to be told to fuck off, that it wasn’t your business. You could tell she contemplated it for a split second, but then her gaze softened as she looked at you.

“The Inner Circle hates me for a number of reasons,” She began. “When we were young, my father made a stupid business move and we lost all our fortune. The creditors ransacked our place and forced us to move into a small cottage. Soon after more came and broke my father’s leg in front of us and left him crippled. We had no money, no support. So when Feyre was 14, she went into the woods and started hunting for us. It’s what kept us from starvation. I did nothing to stop her, but neither did Elain, which the Night Court seems to forget. I didn’t want her to hunt, I wanted us to starve, to force our useless father to do something to try and save us, rather than sit in his cot all day. I hated him with every fiber of my being, but Feyre kept hunting.

“But somehow, everyone forgets who prepared the food Feyre caught. Who washed the clothes, kept the cottage tidy and running. Feyre never cooked, she can barely heat up soup. I planned to marry myself off, to lighten the burden for the rest of my family. But then Feyre killed that fae wolf, and Tamlin took her away. I was so confused as to why nobody remembered it, then I realized it was some sort of magic that hadn’t worked on me. We got our fortune back, thanks to Tamlin, and one of the first things I did was hire a merchant to take me into the woods. I tried to find Feyre, I would have offered myself in her place, but we never got through the wall.

“And then somehow we got dragged into all this faerie shit. I was forced to become fae, and then sent here to adjust. I spent my entire time trying to make sure Elain didn’t fling herself off the mountainside. She was so miserable, a shell of who she was before. The inner circle gave her as much time to adjust as she needed, but they never extended the same courtesy to me.”

Nesta laughed bitterly. “I don’t need to tell you about what happened in the War. I’m sure you already know. After it was over, everyone acted like everything was fine. Elain became her perky, delicate self again and the celebrations began. But I did not want to celebrate, it did not feel like a victory. My father died, knowing I hated him and he still tried to protect me and tell me he loved me. There was so much death that day, so many families torn apart and they acted like nothing happened.

“I got my own place, a slummy house outside the city. Feyre and Rhys paid for it. I would have, if I had my own money, but I didn’t. I suspect when my father died his wealth went right into their pockets, when some of it should have gone to me. I started drinking and fucking my way around Velaris. Nobody checked up on me, even Elain, even though I spent weeks glued to her side because I was so afraid for her. When I was checked on, it was at those ridiculous dinners they hosted, where I was watched like a hawk. Amren asked about my powers at every opportunity, as if I hadn’t given enough already. They treated me like a ticking time bomb, so I became one. They’ve all had 500 years to learn how to cope with war. I had months before they decided my drinking and whoring was too much. They staged an intervention, and offered me a ‘choice’. I could go to the human lands, or train at the House of Wind with Cassian.”

“But fae are persecuted and killed in the human lands,” You said. “It would be a death sentence.”

“Trust me, they were well aware of that.” Nesta laughed bitterly. “While they intervened, Elain helped pack up my house. They seized it from me, and I was forced to come here. I never wanted to learn how to fight. There are other ways to heal, to be strong. But my way of healing was too embarrassing, too ugly for them. I didn’t spend hours poetically gazing out a window in silence like Elain. So now I’m stuck here, a discarded thing they didn’t want to deal with.”

Nesta’s eyes were glazed with tears, and you couldn’t tell if you were going to be sick or go on a murderous rampage. Mor and Cassian consumed 8 bottles of wine together at dinner last night, and you didn’t doubt that the Illyrians spent much of their younger years fucking everything in sight. They’ve all done what Nesta did, yet she was being punished for it. You wanted to scream in frustration, let the world know what the leaders of this court put Nesta through.

“We have to get out of here.” You murmured. “We can’t stay locked up in this place.”

“And go where?”

“Anywhere.”

Nesta snorted humourlessly. “A nice sentiment,” She said. “But neither of us is making it down those steps. Even if we did, we wouldn’t get far.”

“We’d need help.” You said, picking at a string on the blanket.

Nesta sighed and relaxed back into the pillows, abandoning her defensive crouched position. Her arm brushed yours as she laid back, sending tingles up your skin – it was like being touched with a melody of ice and fire, mixed together.

“As much as you claim to be friends with Lucien, I doubt he’d risk his neck like that to save you.” She pointed out, tipping her head back. “He’s mated to Elain after all, if he thought helping us would put her in danger, all his friendship with you would go out the window, I promise.”

You winced. She was right, as much as you loved Lucien as your best friend, he was a mated male now. You didn’t know how it felt to be mated, but you had heard of other’s experiences. As much as Lucien would want to help you, he wouldn’t risk putting Elain in harm's way. Suddenly, an idea struck you.

“What about his brother, Eris?” You asked, leaning back to rest your neck against the pillows like Nesta had. She turned her head to face you.

“Seriously?” She asked.

“I’m serious!” You insisted, turning your head towards her as well. Your faces were only a foot apart, but you tried not to think about that. “The Night Court hates him. Who better to help us than someone Rhysand cannot stand?”

“Who says he will even help? Do you even know him?”

“Sort of. I spent some time in Autumn visiting Lucien. Out of all his brothers, Eris was the only one who treated me like a living creature, not an object. He was decent and respectable enough.”

You left out the part about the massive crush you had developed on your best friend’s older brother over the years, how you got butterflies every time that cold gaze would soften for a split second when he saw you wandering about the Autumn Court.

“I haven’t heard good things about him,” Nesta said bitterly. “Feyre says he left Mor to die in the woods after they were supposed to be engaged.”

“And Feyre probably tells other courts that you’re an ungrateful whore who is trying to steal from her and Rhysand to make them look bad,” You scoffed. “And that I’m some spy from the Spring Court who is planning the murder of all Night Court babies. So I think it’s safe to say that if they’re wrong about us, they may be wrong about Eris too.”

You felt Nesta flinch at your words, wondering if maybe you had gone too far. But she did not snap back, or get angry with you. She simply sighed, blinking once. Her hair was falling into her face, disheveled as opposed to its usual neat braid. You liked it, the messiness that made her look more relaxed rather than on edge, waiting to strike at whoever glanced the wrong way. There was a softness to her that you were seeing, a cold heart being thawed like the snow on the first day of spring.

“He may only help just to make us a part of whatever game he’s playing and use us against the Night Court.” Nesta warned, looking into your eyes.

“I know,” You said softly. “I cannot deny that he is unpredictable and scheming. But it’s a better alternative than being stuck here having to bend to your sister and her mate’s every whim.”

Silence overcame the room for a moment, as if Nesta was contemplating her choices. It was easy for you to decide which option you’d take, you had no personal ties to the Night Court’s inner circle. But Nesta did – as much as she and her sisters were not on good terms, at the end of the day you knew she still loved them in her own way.

“How would we do it?” She asked after a few seconds. “I doubt we can send him a letter and ask him to drop by without Rhysand or his dogs finding out.”

“We do exactly as they tell us to.” You began carefully. “You train with Cassian, I’ll tell them what they want to hear. We make them see what they want to see – a good female who heals the way they want by training into a warrior, and a Spring Court female who is so grateful for their hospitality they will do anything they ask. Then maybe, we’ll find out what they’re playing at. Once they let us in on everything, or you at least, we have a much better chance of seeing Eris. If Lucien is to be believed, they’re working with him on something.”

Nesta narrowed her eyes. “Are you sure you’re not their little puppet sent to coerce me into obeying them?” She hissed.

You would have believed the venom in her voice to be serious, if not for the gleam in her gray eyes and the slight twitch of her lips.

“You have figured me out, Nesta Archeron.” You sighed dramatically. “I actually am Rhysand’s personal spy. Darn, you got me.”

She laughed, and it was the most beautiful sound you had ever heard. It was like a breeze through an old forest, mystical and echoing. For the first time since you had met her, that laugh was genuine.

“We appeared as quite a united front at dinner,” Nesta pointed out. “They’ll be suspicious if we suddenly go along with everything.”

You hummed, contemplating for a moment. “Maybe we can pretend to fight. Some time when Cassian or Azriel is here since they’ll definitely go telling everyone else about it. We keep our distance from each other, at least when they have eyes on us.”

Those slate coloured eyes that were normally like chips of ice looked saddened momentarily. “I don’t want to do that.” She admitted quietly, voice barely above a whisper.

“I don’t either,” You choked out. “But we can’t raise any suspicions.”

Without thinking, you reached forward and tucked a strand of hair behind Nesta’s ear. She did not flinch, or harden her gaze. She just kept staring at you, looking sad.

“How will we make our plans then?” Nesta asked. “I doubt Azriel is Rhysand’s spymaster for nothing.”

“The books,” You said after thinking for a moment. We leave notes for each other in the books. Smutty romance ones that Azriel wouldn’t be caught dead picking up.”

Nesta chuckled again, and your heart fluttered. Mother above, you could get used to hearing that sound.

“Alright.” She said, “I’m in.”

“We will get through this.” You promised, grabbing her hand. “The next few weeks will be shit. I’ve grown rather used to your company, but if we want out of here we have to be smart.”

“Then we begin tomorrow.” Nesta said. “But could you maybe… stay here for the night? If we have to act like we don’t like each other in the next while…”

Her words trailed off, but you knew what she meant. From the way she averted her gaze, you could tell she felt silly asking this of you. So you gently stroked the back of her hand with your thumb.

“Of course.” You said.

Wordlessly, you got up and grabbed your nightgown from your room, giving Nesta time to change into hers. When you returned to her room, she was settling underneath the covers. You blew out the candle and crawled into the space next to her, laying your head onto the soft pillows. For a minute, the two of you laid there in the dark, facing each other and saying nothing.

“(Y/N)?” Nesta’s voice was quiet.

“Yes?” You replied, already drowsy with sleep.

“I’m glad you are here.”

“Me too.”

***************

taglist (comment if you want to be added): @queercontrarian @kitkat-writes-stuff @moonfawnx @sevikas-whore @weird-and-wise @jemandderkeinenusernamenfindet @kingshitonly @ladyofcherries @eerievixen @readingwritingwatching @peacecoffeeandflowers @a-frog-with-a-laptop @shadowqueen25

[thesunsethour]

my official ranking of (basically) every song by hozier

(ignoring some collabs/songs from soundtracks etc)

(this is just my opinion no one shout at me)

(he has no Bad songs, only Less Brilliant ones)

52) To Noise Making (Sing) (the sing chorus at the end goes on just *that* bit too long

51) Sunlight (slightly repetitive)

50) Nobody (maybe this is controversial? does however contain one of my favourite lyrics “it’s suicide Tuesday back in LA”)

49) Sedated (the lowest ranked song of his self titled album and it’s not because it’s not good it’s because his discography is fucking insane)

48) Someone New (only ranked this low because it was very overplayed in Ireland when it came out)

47) Almost (Sweet Music) (this was never my favourite song but who can resist “i laugh like me again she laughs like you”)

46) Son of Nyx (hozier made the best study music song of all time)

45) Wasteland, Baby! (sounds exactly like the album feels, if that makes sense?)

44) Swan Upon Leda (would be higher but i keep accidentally forgetting to add it to my playlist because it’s not on an album. also Free Palestine)

43) Better Love (hozier’s voice is so beautiful)

42) Dinner & Diatribes (ever since someone said he sounds like Count von Count in this song i can’t un-hear it)

41) It Will Come Back (so sexy. one of the sexiest songs in his oeuvre)

40) NFWMB (an under appreciated classic. i remember playing this in the car when my dad was dropping our friend’s kid to school and getting in trouble for the cursing)

39) The Parting Glass - Live from The Late Late Show (not only a beautiful rendition, but it was also performed during covid when everyone was feeling very hopeless and he just captivated ireland for a few short moments. gorgeous)

38) Anything But (we are reaching the territory of songs that are so goddamned good that it feels a crime they are so low down. he has dozens of such songs)

37) In the Woods Somewhere (eerie vibes which are beautiful and exacerbated when you find out he based this on a dream he had)

36) To Be Alone (again, CRIMINAL that this is so low down. blame hozier having so many good songs. don’t blame me)

35) Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene (a bop AND a banger AND a jam. triple threat)

34) Damage Gets Done (their voices are soooo beautiful together)

33) Be (“When Atlas acts the maggot” is one of Hozier’s best Irish culture lines)

32) The Jackboot Jump - Live (BUT THE JACKBOOT ONLY JUMPS DOWN ON PEOPLE STANDING UP!!!)

31) Shrike (this song made me cry when i first heard it and i am Not one to cry)

30) To Someone From a Warm Climate (Uiscefhuaraithe) (GAEILGE MENTION!!!!)

29) Jackie and Wilson (one of my first ever favourite hozier songs)

28) Talk (i love the myth of orpheus and eurydice and i ALSO imagine being loved by hozier)

27) Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue) (blowjobs)

26) Eat Your Young (hozier wrote this for all first year trinity students who had to read Swift for their intro to irish writing lectures)

25) All Things End (don’t be sad. we begin again :). hozier said so)

24) I, Carrion (Icarian) (soft, sad, beautiful. like hozier)

23) Nina Cried Power (feat. Mavis Staples) (also very overplayed in Ireland but this time it really deserved it!!)

22) Cherry Wine - Live (one of the most beautiful and recognisable guitar bits of all time. yes i said guitar bits i don’t know anything about guitars)

21) As It Was (the drug the dark the light the flame…)

20) First Time (“anyway”)

19) Who We Are (makes me feel like my chest is being lifted to god)

18) No Plan (“As Mack explained, there will be darkness again” is one of the all-time great Hozier lyrics actually)

17) Would That I (it’s illegal for anyone to dislike this song)

16) De Selby (Part 2) (he wants to run against the world that’s turning!! he moves so fast that he’d outpace the dawn!!)

15) De Selby (Part 1) (AN ENTIRE VERSE AS GAEILGE)

14) Like Real People Do (once again, how is this so low? hozier is too good. “we should just kiss like real people do” lyrics of all time)

13) Butchered Tongue (i wrote an entire essay post about this song. with citations)

12) From Eden (time has maybe made us forget just how fucking insanely good this song is. IDEALISM SITS IN PRISON CHIVALRY FELL ON HIS SWORD INNOCENCE DIED SCREAMING. also reminds me of verse 2 of Human by The Killers)

11) Work Song (WHEN MY TIME COMES AROUND LAY ME GENTLY IN THE COLD DARK EARTH. NO GRAVE CAN HOLD MY BODY DOWN. I’LL CRAWL HOME TO HER. also special mention for: “in the low lamp light i was free” aka the name of one of my criminal minds fanfics. moving on)

10) Run (SOOOOO underrated. literally rare is this love keep it covered! run to me run to me lover! run until you feel your lungs bleeding!)

9) Movement (i played this song every day on repeat for 2 months when i was 17)

8) Arsonist’s Lullabye (wario of better love. don’t ask me how or why)

7) In a Week (feat. Karen Cowley) (the most gorgeous beautiful song of all time their voices are perfect for each other - I’D BE HOME WITH YOU)

6) First Light (BUT AFTER THIS IM NEVER GONNA BE THE SAME!!! AND I AM NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!)

5) Francesca (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. URGAAAHHHHHHHH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’D TELL THEM PUT ME BACK IN IT!!!!!! DARLING I WOULD DO IT AGAIN!!!!!! IF I COULD HOLD YOU FOR A MINUTE!!!!! DARLING I’D GO THROUGH IT AGAIN!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

4) Unknown / Nth (DO YOU KNOWWWWW I COULD BREAK BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF THE GOODNESS LOVE I STILL CARRY FOR YOU!!!! he had no right to sing this. and as beautifully as he does. makes me cry. sha-la-la)

3) Abstract (Psychopomp) (this wasn’t originally my favourite when i first listened to Unreal Unearth has grown on my heart and will not let go. did you know the memory hurts but does me no harm. and did you SEE HOW IT SHINESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

2) Take Me To Church (this being his debut single. DEBUT. SINGLE. no one else was doing it like him. the vocals the lyrics god the beautiful lyrics the MUSIC VIDEO!!!! ireland’s best living artist.)

1) Foreigner’s God (my favourite song of all time. no notes. utterly perfect in every way.)

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

I wish that autism wasn't so heavily looked down upon/ignored/disrespected when I was growing up.

I was a "devil child", "handful", "problem".

When in reality if even minute changes were made in my environment and how my own family interacted with me, I would have flourished so much more.

I heavily stimmed using music. The repetitive beats and heavy bass was my thing. So when my mom wanted to punish me for something, one of the first things she'd do was take away my ipod/mp3 whatever I had. WORST thing was when she ONLY took my (very specific) headphones.

To her, it was taking away something fun. A luxury item. A toy basically.

But to me, it was taking away a very heavily ingrained stim that I NEEDED to do, and could not do without very specific criteria (specific headphones and a specific playlist/style of music)

So of course I would become horribly disregulated. Which I'd then have to attempt to mask/or recluse to avoid her so she wouldn't see how bad it unraveled me.

Because to her, being disregulated/unraveled was "acting up", "catching an attitude", "being disrespectful/rude".

Gods. Looking back I truly hate how she did me wrong in that way. Not just my stim but EVERYTHING. All my needs were either dismissed or half-met.

She is one of those people who thinks sure adhd/autism exists but not in HER family. Not in HER children. She even tried to blame it on the father of her children and it couldn't possibly have had anything to do with her.

..... we not only ALL have different fathers, but after observing both memories of her and her now, she is ALSO autistic and in total denial.

I definitely still harbor resentment because of that. She had me "evaluated". Once. At a time where they still heavily leaned on the male criteria for adhd, and autism wasnt really addressed/acknowledged unless it was severely debilitating. But also, by the time she had me evaluated, I'd already spent a few years (unknowingly) masking due to peers and family creating that need. So the conclusion was "there MIGHT be something divergent about her but we couldnt say for sure at this time" and she took that as "nope she's good, just a problem child. Carryon." Never again to be addressed.

She barely acknowledged that one of my brothers (previously a sister) was diagnosed adhd.

She only acknowledged another brother's adhd&autism diagnosis because the school he went to was very accommodating and insisted that he be evaluated and guess what.

Once he was diagnosed, and they rearranged his class schedules to fit his needs, he did a 180 and graduated top of his class. THRIVED. I both LOVE that he got that and HATE that I never did. I barely got through school.

It wasn't for lack of love of learning. I just, learned different, but was ALSO heavily overloaded with how crammed my courses were. I always wonder if I'd gotten the same accommodations, would I have thrived? Would school have been a drastically different/positive experience/memory for me? I'll never know. Because my mother was so against the idea that anything was divergent about me and absolutely mentally stuffed me into her little idea of an ideal neurotypical child that I never had a chance...

Now that I know I'm also AuDHD, like most of my siblings and even an aunt, I feel validated. I had seen vlogs and blogs about people more and more coming out about how they handle life and their coping skills and hacks theyve learned and after starting to apply those to myself... gods I've improved so much.

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle. But now knowing what issues are and how to cope and get around things, I'm a lot better off.

This is only ONE reason of several why my relationship with my mother has gone sour. What's sad is she doesn't really realize it yet? I havent been able to compose myself enough to have THE CHAT.

About how she hurt me a lot. Intentional or not. (Like not knowing taking away my music was taking away a stim) I don't know how to have this chat. Tbh I thought about writing a longass letter. Because in the past whenever she's been confronted about anything she's done wrong, she spirals into defense mode and wont even entertain the conversation beyond that point and you get... nowhere.

So maybe in person the bulk of the talk wont happen. I feel like. I need to hand her a letter. Have her read it. And maybe have a succinct chat before parting ways.

Because I wanted to be close to her for so long, that I either didn't realize or knowingly ignored her problem behaviors and looking back... she just... gods that's a whole other post for the future....

If you've read this far thank you. If you've had similar familial experiences, lmk (if you're comfy)

I just....... *sigh*.... yep.

[sincerrelyserena]

YOU ASKED FOR A FEAST SO HERE IT IS!!

but just a warning they aren’t dating YET this is all while they are friends and shit 

starter: (1 item)

•Ai totally has a bunch of cat clothes and cat themed items, in fact, you wouldn’t be surprised if you saw her and her cat lord bartholomew jojo simpson the 2nd wearing matching outfits!! when rui finds this out he first teases her but from time to time he gives her cute cat figurines or anything hello kitty!! and for one of her birthdays, rui made her a robo cat <33

main: (2 items)

•Ai absolutely loves slower, deeper chill songs, and rui is the only one that knows this, as i’ve mentioned before, so sometimes rui sends her song reccs that’s in her music taste with a little text like : “heard this n thought u might like it” and they quickly become one of Ais favourite songs, not just because they sound good, but because of the person who sent them to her 

•another thing rui does for ai is listen contently when Ai rambles about a theory she has about a song that she loves, she often interprets them and tells rui about her thoughts and sometimes she’s rlly sneaky with her intention (like she’d be yapping about a song about someone loving their friend bc it’s a cute hint) but rui never realises. He actually enjoys listening to her because she does the same thing when he rambles on about how his shows went and such

Drinks: (3 items)

•Another thing i’ve mentioned before is how rui n mizuki n ai all go out shopping together and skip school, sometimes mizuki would make excuses like “if i miss this certain lesson i have to take supplementary classes” so sometimes it would just be ai n rui going together and ai treats them like little dates (she totally calls them that aswell as an attempt to fluster rui, the first couple of times it worked but then rui became used to it)

•One of Ais hobbys is matchmaking- and she’s insanely good at it too, she’s gotten a bunch of people together before (cupid fr) however she is yet to be with someone herself

•AI RUI N MIZUKI ALL GO OUT FOR SLEEPOVERS OR JUST GO OUT FOR THE EVENING FOR FUN AND ITS USUALLY RLLY CUTE BECAUSE AI TREATS MIZUKI LIKE A CHILD/HER SISTER AND RUI WATCHES THE DYNAMIC BETWEEN THE TWO AND THINKS TO HIMSELF THAT AI WOULD BE A GREAT MOTHER ONE DAY  

dessert: (6 items)

•the idea that rui takes Ai to cat cafes is something that dosent leave my mind omg.. he probably started when they became close friends in middle school and would pay for everything as Ai sits there cuddling a cat, he’d probably start developing a crush on her during the last year of middle school because he wasn’t used to the idea of love yet but when he figures it out he try’s his best to get closer with ai 

•they prolly have a shared playlist together and half of the songs are all those rlly chill romantic songs that Ai loves with all her heart, and then idk man Rui seems like a hardcore odetari fan (PROJECTING ONTO RUI RN BUT IT SEEMS SO REAL) and honestly who can blame him Ai also loves odetari and in the future wants to collab with him (SHE WILL TRUST ME!!) same with sabrina carpet (that was on purpose) she loves trendy songs but she resonates most with dark slow deep romantic songs grrr

•speaking of music, when Ai makes song drafts for COSM1C OPERA she sends them to both Rui and Kanade, Kanade usually helps her clean a couple things up and help make it sound better and Rui just gives his feedback on what it sounds like (Ais  deffo uses vocaloid to make her songs, same with the rest of her unit)

•AI TOTALLY YAPS TO CAT SEKAI MIKU AND LUKA ABOUT HOW DOWN BAD SHE IS FOR RUI AND SHE DOSENT KNOW HOW TO TELL HIM AND LUKA TEASES HER FOR IT AND MIKU IS LIKE “you’ll know when the time is right” and then we have cat sekai len who’s an absolute BITCH AND TELLS HER “just say it to his face you sad lonely bastard” (but he means well he’s great at comforting Ai when it comes to love)

•ai fell first, rui fell harder- honestly because Ai is such a hopeless romantic she deffo fell after a couple of weeks of knowing him, she had a bunch of crushes aswell during highschool but she was trying to hide her true feelings because my baby was in denial, still that dosent stop her from yapping to rui about hot guys and rui just patting her head and saying she’ll find the right person for her one day (he’s the right person trust)

rui fell harder because after a while of knowing Ai, he started to want to be closer to her and then when he realised he had a crush on her he was absolutely down bad for Ai (as he should be Ai is a goddess she’s the strongest most invincible idol obvi) and so the rest of COSM1C OPERA found it really cute that rui would usually go up to Ai and tell her about a cute cat he saw or one of his upcoming shows or to ramble about past shows (Ai can never make it to his shows because she’s a busy girl, but she always reads through the scripts and tells him her favourite parts of them ) 

•Ais twin Ren (FINALLY GOT A NAME FOR HIM)  is super over protective of Ai since he dosent get to see her much outside of school unless it’s to meet up with the rest of COSM1C OPERA and so if rui and Ai are talking for to long then he will put his arm around Ai and will be like ‘hey!! this is MY sister!! go find another girl to steal!!’ and Ai will be pissed asf and rui will just be like so chill and just tease him😌😌

OKAY AND IM DONE MY DARLING I STILL HAVE SO MANY MORE BUT IT WOULD BE TOO LONG!! HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS MEAL IVE PREPARED FOR YOU 

YUMMMY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE FOOD💥💥 THIS IS A WHOLE FEAST 10/10

V I LOVE YOU SO MUCH/P THANK YOU SO MUCH THANK YOU THANK AND ALL THIS IS SO CUTE💥💥💥😭😭💕😞😞

[a-ikuoliver]

134 "the unsent project" prompts

disclaimer: i do not own any of these prompts, i compiled these from the unsent project sorry for the awkward spacing, tumblr has a character limit lmao

01 — i keep wondering what my life would’ve been like if you had chosen me instead of her. 02 — i have a lot of hope for us. too much. 03 — i still stay up hoping you’ll call. 04 — i was so angry for so long. 05 — i think about you everyday and i'm sorry i didn't say more when we said goodbye. 06 — i’ll always have a place for you in my heart. but i need to accept you're happier without me now. 07 — i  hate that i always have to think of what we never were when i'm remembering you. 08 — it's scary how much you haunt me even after so long. 09 — every time my phone buzzes i hope it's you missing me, but it never is. 10 — sometimes i wish that you chose me. 11 — happy birthday, i miss you so badly, i wish you’d given me more time. 12 — i’m over you. 13 — please come back. please. 14 — i know i can be better to you than he is. please give us a chance. 15 — i can’t love you the way you wanted to be loved. 16 — if you asked me, i'd say yes in a heartbeat. i'll wait for you until whenever. 17 — i love you so much but i hate being just a friend. 18 — i never missed you until you were someone else's. 19 — maybe if we loved each other less we would have realised it needed to end sooner. 20 — i miss you so much, i wish we didn’t break up. i loved our life together. please come home. 21 — you remind me of snow, falling quietly at midnight. 22 — i can’t just be friends with you because friends don't DO what we did. 23 — is it sad i'd wait forever for you? 24 — you aren’t allowed to look at me like that anymore. 25 — i dreamt that we kissed and goddammit i wish it was real. 26 — i still get butterflies whenever you hold my hand. 27 — i can honestly say that i can't stop thinking about you, please get out of my head. 28 — i get this feeling in my stomach when you text me and i love it. 29 — why is letting go so hard? if you can do it, then why can’t i? 30 — we blamed distance, we blamed youth. i think i was just scared of having something real. i wish we tried again.

31 — i sat next to someone on a 6 hour bus journey and told him our story. 32 — i miss the days when i woke up to a morning message. guess i'm not the first thing on your mind anymore. 33 — you didn’t love me. you just loved the fact you weren’t alone. 34 — over a year and i still haven't met anyone worthy of replacing you. 35 — i still have the heart next to your name in my phone. 36 — you’ll marry him in two weeks and my heart will die that day. 37 — what was the point of everything just to be strangers in the end? 38 — I HATE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART WHY DO I STILL CARE ABOUT YOU?? 39 — your music always sucked and i'm so glad i don't have to act like it's good anymore. 40 — we were supposed to have a happy ending. 41 — i guess we had different definitions of love. 42 — you were all that i could think about when i was with him. 43 — i know you don't feel the same and that's okay. 44 — i hope she makes you happy. i hope she was worth it.  i wish i’d never met you. 45 — i think i really like you but i'm scared of what others would say about us. 46 — i think i'm in love with you and when you kissed me today i didn't know what to do. 47 — i still wish you fought a little harder that night, i still love you. we can always try again. 48 — i'm getting really tired of tearing up all our photos. 49 — how terrifying it is to know you completely and not at all. 50 — i love you, sorry i didn't say it back, i was scared. 51 — sorry i blocked you. i just couldn't stop thinking about you. 52 — i based a character in my book after you. 53 — i felt a different kind of love with you. a quiet, calm one. 54 — does your girlfriend know we still hook up? 55 — marry her. it's okay. 56 — i'd trade 7 years of stability for 7 hours with you. 57 — i know you reused the playlist you made me with another girl. 58 — i remember you soft, even if you never were. 59 — i drive down different roads but they all lead back to you. 60 — i left, and look how you’ve grown. i told you so.

61 — just date me bro, it's not that hard. 62 — happy late bday i didn't forget, trust me, hope you're doing good. 63 — i'm glad i've forgotten how good it was. 64 — i thought you were going to leave me, so i left you first. i'm sorry. 65 — OKAY FINE I LOVE YOU! I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU! 66 — i know it's a lot to ask but please just wait for me. 67 — i love you in a way i'm not supposed to. 68 — come visit my dreams tonight. i miss you. 69 — last week i was with the girl i told you not to worry about. 70 — sometimes i read all of our old conversations to feel something. 71 — our story deserves a better goodbye… maybe someday. 72 — everyone told me they thought we were going to get married. 73 — you miss him don't you? 74 — i noticed when you fell out of love… i just never said anything. 75 — you promised me. 76 — give her everything you never gave me. 77 — it's not fair how you can kiss me like that and feel nothing. 78 — you wouldn't leave if you had something you wanted to stay for. 79 — i wish we could've been something. anything. 80 — i saw so many shooting stars on the bridge that night. i should have wished to see you again. 81 — your name is like a lump in my throat. i've never yearned this desperately for anything. 82 — i stay up late in case you wanna talk. 83 — you're the first person i ever showed my heart to and you're the reason no one will ever see it again. 84 — you're in every song, in every sky, in every star, you're in every dream. 85 — i miss you every time my keyboard suggests your name. 86 — you look like the rest of my life. 87 — there is not a single song on my phone that doesn't make me think of you. 88 — won't you at least hold my hand in public? are you ashamed of me? 89 — i still smile when you call. i know i'll be a guest at your wedding someday. idk how i'll bear it. 90 — he's so good for me, but i miss you.

91 — hope life brings us back together sometime. coincidences exist… you were my favourite one. 92 — you see me differently than everyone else does. thank you. 93 — i want you so fucking bad!! 94 — sometimes its the ‘what ifs’ that torture me the most. 95 — i love you so much that i typed it all out and it wouldn’t fit. 96 — i have about two failed talking stages left in me before i start casting spells for you again. 97 — i love you so much, i pray every night that i get to keep you. 98 — i remember every detail of what you told me that night. i doubt you even remember my last name. 99 — i wish you knew how much i wish we had worked out. 100 — sometimes i wonder what would've happened if it were you. if it were us. 101 — i stare at my ceiling trying to figure out what went wrong. i'd like to think you do too. 102 — i wanted you to fight for me. 103 — when you find your way back, don't call, i'm finally happy. 104 — i never thought i'd meet someone like you. thank you for saving my life. 105 — i miss you but don’t ever fucking come back. 106 — i can’t believe i never told you how hard i fell for you. i would've done anything to be yours. 107 — still you. 108 — i am terrified i will never feel such an intense connection to someone again. 109 — god knows i tried my best with you. 110 — i keep seeing you in everyone. i wish i didn't. i don't know if i know you anymore. 111 — happy would-have-been 4 years… all those fragments still cut me. 112 — i look forward to the day that every time i see an astrology article i don't check yours. 113 — you broke your arm and i just want to call you. it's weird that i don't know everything about you anymore. 114 — why did i have to find you at the wrong time? 115 — do you ever wear the necklace i gave you? i still wear my half… 116 — i cried tears of happiness when i realised i was finally over you. 117 — i miss how easy things used to be between us. 118 — we didn't grow apart. you gave up. 119 — are you as head over heels as i am? 120 — all i can do is sit here and watch you grow into the wonderful person i once called mine…

121 — i don't want to just love you. i want our souls to merge. 122 — you deserve the world and i wanna be the one to give it to you. 123 — can we just go back to how it was in the summer? 124 — you only miss me at night. 125 — thank you for being my place to go when i can't go home. 126 — if you're that lonely, come be lonely with me. 127 — just say you miss me and i'm all yours. 128 — will it always be like this between us? 129 — tell me you love me. 130 — it's your loss. 131 — i sometimes wonder if i was just a rebound to you. 132 — my finger hovers over the send button every night. i just can’t hit it. 133 — you gave her the love i begged you to give me. 134 — why not me? WHY not me? why NOT me? why not ME?

[maxident-xx]

HEADCANONS

but just a warning they aren’t dating YET this is all while they are friends and shit 

starter: (1 item)

Ai totally has a bunch of cat clothes and cat themed items, in fact, you wouldn’t be surprised if you saw her and her cat kokoro wearing matching outfits!! when rui finds this out he first teases her but from time to time he gives her cute cat figurines or anything hello kitty!! and for one of her birthdays, rui made her a cat robot <33

•

main: (2 items)

•Ai absolutely loves slower, deeper chill songs, and rui is the only one that knows this, as i’ve mentioned before, so sometimes rui sends her song reccs that’s in her music taste with a little text like : “heard this n thought u might like it” and they quickly become one of Ais favourite songs, not just because they sound good, but because of the person who sent them to her 

•another thing rui does for ai is listen contently when Ai rambles about a theory she has about a song that she loves, she often interprets them and tells rui about her thoughts and sometimes she’s rlly sneaky with her intention (like she’d be yapping about a song about someone loving their friend bc it’s a cute hint) but rui never realises. He actually enjoys listening to her because she does the same thing when he rambles on about how his shows went and such

Drinks: (3 items)

•Another thing i’ve mentioned before is how rui n mizuki n ai all go out shopping together and skip school, sometimes mizuki would make excuses like “if i miss this certain lesson i have to take supplementary classes” so sometimes it would just be ai n rui going together and ai treats them like little dates (she totally calls them that aswell as an attempt to fluster rui, the first couple of times it worked but then rui became used to it)

•One of Ais hobbys is matchmaking- and she’s insanely good at it too, she’s gotten a bunch of people together before (cupid fr) however she is yet to be with someone herself

•AI RUI N MIZUKI ALL GO OUT FOR SLEEPOVERS OR JUST GO OUT FOR THE EVENING FOR FUN AND ITS USUALLY RLLY CUTE BECAUSE AI TREATS MIZUKI LIKE A CHILD/HER SISTER AND RUI WATCHES THE DYNAMIC BETWEEN THE TWO AND THINKS TO HIMSELF THAT AI WOULD BE A GREAT MOTHER ONE DAY  

dessert: (6 items)

•the idea that rui takes Ai to cat cafes is something that dosent leave my mind omg.. he probably started when they became close friends in middle school and would pay for everything as Ai sits there cuddling a cat, he’d probably start developing a crush on her during the last year of middle school because he wasn’t used to the idea of love yet but when he figures it out he try’s his best to get closer with ai 

•they prolly have a shared playlist together and half of the songs are all those rlly chill romantic songs that Ai loves with all her heart, and then idk man Rui seems like a hardcore odetari fan (PROJECTING ONTO RUI RN BUT IT SEEMS SO REAL) and honestly who can blame him Ai also loves odetari and in the future wants to collab with him (SHE WILL TRUST ME!!) same with sabrina carpet (that was on purpose) she loves trendy songs but she resonates most with dark slow deep romantic songs grrr

•speaking of music, when Ai makes song drafts for M00N☆STRUCK!! she sends them to both Rui and Kanade, Kanade usually helps her clean a couple things up and help make it sound better and Rui just gives his feedback on what it sounds like (Ais  deffo uses vocaloid to make her songs, same with the rest of her unit)

•AI TOTALLY YAPS TO CAT SEKAI MIKU AND LUKA ABOUT HOW DOWN BAD SHE IS FOR RUI AND SHE DOSENT KNOW HOW TO TELL HIM AND LUKA TEASES HER FOR IT AND MIKU IS LIKE “you’ll know when the time is right” and then we have cat sekai len who’s an absolute BITCH AND TELLS HER “just say it to his face you sad lonely bastard” (but he means well he’s great at comforting Ai when it comes to love)

•ai fell first, rui fell harder- honestly because Ai is such a hopeless romantic she deffo fell after a couple of weeks of knowing him, she had a bunch of crushes aswell during highschool but she was trying to hide her true feelings because my baby was in denial, still that dosent stop her from yapping to rui about hot guys and rui just patting her head and saying she’ll find the right person for her one day (he’s the right person trust)

rui fell harder because after a while of knowing Ai, he started to want to be closer to her and then when he realised he had a crush on her he was absolutely down bad for Ai (as he should be Ai is a goddess she’s the strongest most invincible idol obvi) and so the rest of M00N☆STRUCK!! found it really cute that rui would usually go up to Ai and tell her about a cute cat he saw or one of his upcoming shows or to ramble about past shows (Ai can never make it to his shows because she’s a busy girl, but she always reads through the scripts and tells him her favourite parts of them ) 

•Ais twin is super over protective of Ai since he dosent get to see her much outside of school unless it’s to meet up with the rest of M00N☆STRUCK and so if rui and Ai are talking for to long then he will put his arm around Ai and will be like ‘hey!! this is MY sister!! go find another girl to steal!!’ and Ai will be pissed asf and rui will just be like so chill and just tease him😌😌

I HAVE LOADS MORE BUT HERES YOUR MEAL🔥🔥

AWWWW AIRUI YEAHHHHH I love ai and her twin so so much... I need to see her twin

[lemoncrushh]

Out of Bounds - Chapter 18

STORY PAGE

Word Count: 2157

James was gone when I got up the next morning. I was grateful that I didn't have to face him. It was cold and rainy outside so I wore my heavier coat for the first time since last spring. When I put my hands in the pockets, I felt something and pulled it out. It was a ticket stub from a movie that James and I had gone to see. I hadn't really been interested, and didn't care for the film, but James had so I'd kept my mouth shut.

Thinking back, I remembered a lot of little things like that. Where it wasn't my choice or my decision, but I'd gone along with it to make him happy. I believed that was what marriage was. I didn't want to rock the boat. But I suppose in the end it just made me a chump. Because I wasn't getting that kind of treatment in return. He had the upper hand always, and every choice in our marriage had been made by him and him alone. The only think I'd ever done was decide to go back to school. Now I was going to have to give that up. Because James paid for it. Once the semester was over, I had to say goodbye to college once again. I shook my head at the irony. I'd wanted to better my life, find myself so to speak. Instead, I'd found Harry. Now the thing that had brought me to him would be no more.

But one thing was for certain. I wasn't going to give up Harry.

History was dull with the exception of a pop quiz. I'd almost fallen asleep by the end of class. Because I'd only made it just in time, I hadn't had a chance to talk to Harry beforehand. So as we walked out together, I told him I was leaving James. He listened intently as I gave him all the details of the night before.

"A week? Bloody hell," he cursed under his breath.

"I know," I sighed. "But I guess I can't really blame him. I wouldn't want someone who doesn't love me to live with me for another moment."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I haven't figured that out yet," I replied. "I just know I'll be busy packing and trying to avoid running into him. I texted Justine but she hasn't gotten back with me yet. I was hoping maybe I could talk her into letting me stay with her."

Harry nodded. I knew what he was thinking. And I wanted very badly to stay with him. But we both knew that wouldn't be the wisest choice right now.

He kissed me goodbye, and we separated. I dreaded going to the snack bar or library for fear of running into Liz or Leslie, but it was too cold to sit outside, so I resigned to sitting in the corner of the snack bar anyway. I got a cup of hot chocolate and a muffin and sat down to read. Fortunately, I saw no sign of the "mean girls", and before I knew it, it was time to walk to English class.

On the way home, I stopped by the grocery store to see if they had any empty boxes. Most of what they had had gotten wet from the rain, but I was able to get a few so I could go ahead and start packing. When I pulled into the driveway, I felt a sudden rush of sadness, knowing I would be leaving this place soon, forever. My life would be completely topsy-turvy. I'd be starting all over.

When I walked in the door and set down my book bag, I checked my phone once more for any possible messages from Justine. None. I decided to try her again, only this time calling instead of texting. I was disappointed to get her voicemail. I left her a message to please call me, it was very important. Then I hung up and dragged the empty boxes into my bedroom.

I turned on some music to distract my mind - a playlist I'd made of 70s female singers like Linda Ronstadt and Carly Simon, and I sang along while I packed. Because everything in this room was mine, I didn't feel that nostalgic about anything. It was mostly items such as books and magazines, DVDs, and clothes. When I got to my jewelry box, I was afraid I would feel some sort of pang in my chest from seeing my wedding ring. I hadn't worn it since that day Harry showed up at my door and we'd made love on my bed. That particular memory was the one that put a smile on my face. Not the ring nor what it signified. I picked it up out of the box and walked into James's office. I dropped in on his desk, next to his daily planner and mug full of pens.

When I returned to my room, Carly was singing about how nobody does it better. I sang with her, my arms open wide. "Baby, you're the best!"

I picked up my phone and quickly texted Harry, just to tell him I loved him. He replied within seconds, telling me he loved me too, and asking how I was. I told him I was fine. He had to work that night, so he said he'd call me when he got home.

When the clock showed after five, I almost got up to cook dinner. Then I laughed out loud, thinking how ludicrous that would be. I'd filled up all the boxes I'd brought home, making a mental note that I'd have to get some more tomorrow. Then I got in the car and drove to a drive-thru to pick up a burger and fries. I didn't really want to be there when James got home, so I pulled into a nearby park and ate in my car. The sun hadn't quite set yet, so I got out and walked around for a little while. The rain had subsided for the day, but the night was cool and crisp. I wrapped my coat tight around myself, watching the other people go by.

Finally when the sun had gone down, I drove back home. I expected to see James's car in the garage, but his spot was empty. I figured he probably didn't want to see me either and had decided to stay at work late. I retired to my room, got in my cozy pajamas, and crawled under the covers. I picked a movie from Netflix that I'd had in my queue for a while and never got around to watching. I wasn't really paying much attention to it as my mind was elsewhere, and eventually I fell asleep.

I awoke to the sound of someone in the kitchen. I gathered it was James, and he seemed to be deliberately trying to either wake me up or annoy me. A few minutes later, I heard his footsteps approach in the hallway, then the turn of my doorknob.

"Tisa," he whispered loudly. "Are you awake?"

"I am now," I muttered, perturbed.

Not taking the hint, James walked up to the bed and sat down next to me. Although I couldn't see him very well in the dark, he looked a little disheveled. He sighed and turned towards me.

"Tisa," he said with a cry in his voice. "I don't want a divorce."

"What?" I sat up and turned on my bedside lamp.

"You're my wife," he exclaimed. "You're supposed to be my wife forever. For better or worse. Whatever problems we have, we can work through them."

I rubbed my eyes and looked at him, all slumped over the side of the bed. For a moment I felt sorry for him. Perhaps I wasn't being fair to him. He had helped me when I needed someone. He had given me so much.

James suddenly leaned forward and kissed me. I noticed the smell of scotch on his breath. Reacting fast, I pushed him away.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Kissing my wife," he replied. "I love you."

He reached for me again, but I stopped him. "No," I demanded. "Are you drunk?"

Without answering, he just stared at me. Then he shoved his hands underneath my shirt, causing me to pull back. His touch now gave me chills, and not in a good way.

"James!"

"Why can't I touch you?" he whined.

"Because I don't want you to!" I yelled.

"I bet you let your boyfriend touch you," James declared.

I glared at him incredulously. "What?"

"You heard me," he muttered, narrowing his eyes.

He knew? How? Keeping my cool, I continued to stare at him, not giving in.

"He probably gets to touch you wherever he wants," said James. "Like here..." James reached for my chest, but I grabbed his wrist. "And here..."

Pointing down between my legs, James released himself from my grip and touched me. I growled at him as I tried to push myself back.

"Yeah, you like it, don't you? You like him to touch you there. Your little boy toy."

"Get out!" I screamed.

"C'mon Tisa, I still want to make this work. I forgive you."

"You forgive...," I shook my head. "Get the fuck out of my room!"

James stood up, swaying a bit. He was obviously inebriated. He raised his hands, displaying nine fingers. He double checked them before speaking.

"Nine more days, Tisa," he announced. "Nine days and you're gone."

"Fine with me!" I exclaimed. "I'll be out before then!"

He left the room without shutting the door, so I got up and slammed it. I was so livid, even more than I was afraid or curious about how he'd found out about Harry and me.

Harry.

I picked up my phone and texted him, knowing he'd be at work but I didn't care. I told him to call me ASAP. It was about another thirty minutes before my cell rang. I answered it hurriedly, eager to hear his voice.

"Baby," he greeted. "I'm so sorry, love, I couldn't call you sooner."

"It's okay," I answered. "I just had to talk to you. James knows."

"I know."

"What?"

Harry took a deep breath and released it slowly. "He was here."

"Are you serious?" I asked.

"I'm afraid so," Harry replied. "He came and sat at the bar with another man. I recognized him right away. I poured their drinks and then Grayson called my name. Your husband looked up and said, 'Oh, so you're the infamous Harry.'"

"Oh no," I breathed. "What did you do?"

"I acted like I didn't know who he was. I held out my hand to shake his and said, 'Yes, my name's Harry, and you are?' He looked me up and down for a minute then introduced himself as your husband."

"Oh, God," I grimaced.

"Grayson about shit himself. Because he didn't know you were married, see."

"Right."

"I had to keep it cool, and kept giving Grayson the eye to keep quiet, letting him know I'd fill him in later. Anyway, I definitely got the vibe that he already knew."

"Jesus Christ," I groaned.

"So after a couple of drinks, some other man came and the three of them got a table. I didn't see him after that and the bar got busy. I just now got a break. But I explained to Grayson the situation. And check this out."

"What?" I asked.

"Grayson said he's seen him in here before, during lunch hours," Harry stated. "Sometimes with one of those men, sometimes with a woman."

"Really?"

"Yes. I'm not sure what that means. They could be colleagues or clients I suppose."

"Yeah, I suppose," I echoed.

"So I take it he's home now," said Harry.

"Ugh, yes. He's drunk. He came in my room crying at first, then he wanted to touch me."

"What the fuck?"

"I know," I agreed. "I pushed him away, and he said he bets I let my boyfriend touch me."

"Did you kick the shit out of him?" Harry asked.

"No," I chuckled at the image of me kicking the shit out of anyone. "I told him to get out. He reminded me he wants me out of the house. So I need to find a place as soon as possible."

"Well I guess since he knows, you can just come stay with me," he offered.

"I..."

"Tisa, I won't make you if you don't want to," said Harry. "But I would love that more than anything."

"What about Zack?"

"Zack wouldn't have a problem with it. Penny's practically living there now anyway. Or he's at her place."

I bit my lip. "I'll think about it."

"Alright, love," he cooed. "Try to get some sleep okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you," he said before he hung up.

"I love you too, Harry."

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