#I better get sleep soon too
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#cw for heavy grief stuff in the tags I’ll type some more words to make sure it doesn’t pop up in the preview of the tags#so y’all can skip past if you can’t/don’t want to read that sort of thing right now#okay that should be enough to cover it up#realized the two traumatic events from mid to late 2018 are still festering inside me as grief#bc 2019 was me trying to just be a person again#and then 2020 was the beginning of the pandemic/lockdown#so I haven’t had time to heal and share my grief with others#and I haven’t even been able to share the grief anyway bc I have been burying everything deep down#I’m learning how to let myself feel and share things#but I do not want to have to address this grief bc it’s so so hard !#texted my best friend so she’ll text me back in the morning when she’s awake#I better get sleep soon too
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MC doing what we all wished we could do (aka napping on the floor with ominis )😴💕
#ill never get over how he just sleeps on the floor its so cute to me and seems so at odds with his personality which makes it better#hogwarts legacy#hphl#ominis gaunt#ominis gaunt x mc#ominis gaunt x oc#ominis x mc#hogwarts legacy ominis#hogwarts legacy fanart#hey look everyone its my nameless MC aka just brown haired clora LMAOOO#its like when u play a fighting game and you and your friend both choose the same chara. this is clora with a diff colour scheme BAHAHA#this has been in my wips for like a year im not even joking im glad to finally actually draw it properly LMAO#i also love how all of my ominis centric posts involve him on the floor/talking about the floor LMFAOO EVEN THE SMUT ONE#what can i say i just love a man who isnt afraid to chill on the floor ok#also i love a hypocritical man LMAO apparently. i always make seb a hypocrite and now im makin ominis one too#HOW COULD U SLEEP ON THE FLOOR MC?#meanwhile#also srry but dont get ur hopes up for more ominis content anytime soon this was just in my wips and i rly wanted to finally have it done#A RARE TREAT FOR THE OMINIS GIRLIES#choccyart
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struggle.
#i need to work on mspaintpetfinder lord#it's been too long now i've just been hyperfixated on so many different things#i can still draw i just take forever in ms paint and i need a certain fixation and motivation to draw the pets in there#i WILL get on a schedule soon i better#im ass at schedules which is funny because im hella autistic#there is no schedule in my body which means weird sleeping habits along with drawing#mental illness too lol#im all good just all over the place rn#anyway#whoever reads these tags thank you also remember to drink water#miles' art#doodle#papa louie#papa's freezeria#cat#fursona#crittersona#inanimate insanity#fan inanimate insanity#hatsune miku#in relation to the stickers on the laptop#also fafa#cant forget fafa#the cat bandana is a character from a project im working on can you tell im really good at starting but not finishing projects#sdglernjuhg4lgtjunrthjgruhtrtuhwuhgwe
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#yesterday i had this moment where i cried so much and so hard in a way i haven't cried in so long#it was a moment of pure soul crushing grief. it was like i had lost my dog already. i felt like i was never gonna see her again#(she's still here. tired and sick and currently sleeping. being very loved. still here.)#i was talking to my mom and sister a couple of hours ago and they said they had a moment like that too yesterday#and i think for me that was an extremely difficult but necessary moment of acceptance#in that crying i let go of my fear and denial and fully accepted that there is no getting better this time. she will be gone soon.#and god animals are so very sensitive aren't they? because it's like my other two dogs know too.#it's like thay had that moment of acceptance as well. they were so quiet yesterday. they didn't eat all day.#it's unbearably painful. i'm extremely sad and my heart is shattered. but i'm glad that i'm at peace#no dog has ever been as happy and as loved as she has been her entire life. i'm sure of it. and me and my family are going to be okay.
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Superkitties is a good show. IDK why you guys are sleeping on it.
#comet rambles#yes thats my new hyperfixation btw#but no seriously it gets better as it goes on#season 2 released today btw!#just one episode#but still!#the animation and writing upgraded too.#so i reccomend it to anyone who wants to watch it!!#also i might share some clips soon. (my friend might record them.)#because THERES SO MANY GOOD JOKES IN THIS#WHY ARE YOU GUYS SLEEPING ON THIS /nm#Superkitties#Funny superhero cat show#and yes thats the tag for superkitty stuff to not clog the main tag.#BUT NO SERIOUSLY WATCH SUPERKITTIES
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Digitalised + coloured + redesigned version of my Suiren and Vaatu sketch from two days ago, as promised!!
Coming up with Suiren’s design was a very long process of trying and failing because after you’ve drawn 9+ different versions of one character, the creativity starts to run a little dry, but I’m actually really proud of this one, she looks absolutely adorable <3
(Also yeah I did mostly just scribble Vaatu’s pattern because who has the energy to draw the all out accurately. Not me, that’s who, I’m chronically tired. People who draw him on the regular have my utmost respect. He’s still a funky little guy though :D)
Bonus, Raava incessantly screaming inside Suiren (and being completely ignored because Suiren is tired of her) while all this is happening:
#and yeah I did say I’d do a fuckass background but all my energy went to figuring out Suiren’s design#plus I suck at backgrounds so.. woe. LoK screenshot be upon ye#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#avatar suiren au#original character#sotrl suiren#vaatu#I don’t really know what to say in these tags lmao#usually I reach the tag limit really really easily but between my previous post and answering that ask I’ve ran out of things to say#someone please indulge me in this au I have Way Too Many Thoughts about it#hmm…#you know. I think people often make different avatar aus because they dislike Korra or think she’s a bad avatar#I don’t. I love Korra. I would kill and die for her#(says the red lotus stan. yes I’m well aware. no need to call me out)#and I think she’s a good avatar who was dealt a shitty hand both in universe and by the show’s production team#I’m making this au BECAUSE I love Korra. if Suiren is the avatar Korra gets to be a normal SWT girl#she’ll get to grow up with her parents. not isolated and degraded all the time for not being perfect. maybe she’d have a sibling or two#and Suiren gets spared her sotrl trauma too. win win for everyone!!#(I return Suiren gets the weight of the world on her shoulders lmao. but it’s fine. 1. she isn’t alone in it. she has her family#2. three quarters of the LoK threats are basically automatically eliminated for her. the RL are her parents. she fuses with Vaatu#and all she has to do to defeat Kuvira is to take her dress off 😁 /hj. basically. she’ll be okay. better than in sotrl at least)#also look. I love Suiren. she’s my dear child who’s been with me since I was 12. of course I wanna make her the main character in everything#and dark avatar Korra AUs have been done countless times before me. Kat’s doing one right now!! I just wanna do something that’s my own#and also I wanna focus less on pain and trauma for once and more on the sheer hilarity of the shenanigans that will occur post-fusion#cause this isn’t Adumbration where Korra lets Raava go and fuses with Vaatu instead. here Suiren’s got both of them at the same time#and they have 10000 years’ worth of grievances to air out. it’s like living with your divorced parents#trust me I would know. except mine aren’t divorced. they’re Worse and everyone wishes they’d just separate#anyway. that aside. Suiren’s not getting any sleep any time soon while those two duke it out
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Ugh. I had a really bad day.
#chat sesh with iris#vent in the tags#had to get a super personal reminder of someone who I used to know who left me YEARS AGO but it still upsets me to hear her name and I#literally saw HER MOM who proceeded to talk a bunch about what she’s been doing#tw suicide mention#tw suicidal ideation#in the tags lol#so warning that it’s in the next tag#like I think about killing myself whenever I have a passing thought about her so this was too much#I’m not going to do it I’m physically safe 👍👍👍 but like#even despite all of the shitty things that happened I was still having a pretty good week because like. people have been really nice to me.#and I’ve been having a little fun#but this is way too far to excuse like practically no matter what else happened or happens 😭😭😭#like hearing how much better her life is than mine#I literally had to physically leave the situation#like she had finally after YEARS(!!!) gotten mostly off of my mind#but not anymore#the heaviest sigh ever#anyway I would apologize for venting but like this is my blog 👍👍👍#I don’t really have anywhere else to talk about it#like even the people who I consider my best friends did not care or respond or ask questions when I mentioned that I was having like a-#breakdown in public#other than one#shoutouts#and I’m probably going to sleep really soon so maybe I’ll wake up and think this is too personal and delete it#like if I’m only posting because of how tired I was#or who knows maybe my thoughts will keep me awake for hours#I still have nightmares about her#BLUE AND DAWN AND HOP AND ARVEN AND GREEN SAVE ME!!!!!
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ok ok you dont need to threaten me here's some art ☹️☹️☹️
appreciate now while you have it because doodles are rare coming from me (only tri-yearly. i cannot doodle for the life of me its hard 🙁)
#say hi to mr. rainbow butterfly pen on the hito mania dust page. he's there to keep it flat. you get to see him as a treat#guys (in particular nobody) let me be fr. i completely came up with the jk!mtt's dynamic because i felt lonely. OK sue me#a person's allowed to project their friendship and socialization need onto their favs ok..... im lonly........#school starts soon time to die i say as i sleep peacefully in my comfy bed#I HAVEN'T DONE MY SUMMER HOMEWORK!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#dust is soooo sasuke haraguchi core. he's SOOOO hito mania medicine coded. need dust content i miss him#i was giggling at jk!horror's expression in the bottom one. she is absolutely furious. the rage hidden behind that smile is comedic#this notebook paper is SO FUCKING GOOD OH GOD ITS ALL OVER THE SCREEN 🤤🤤🤤#it's so smooth to draw on i absolutely love it. and it's just soooo delectable i could eat this notebook#this is the notebook i previously mentioned. 2019 me ate this notebook up and now i am too because GODDAMN 😭😭😭#guys im so sorry i had a 4koma for the jk mtt im progress but then i decided to log onto hi3#and then i got distracted for a day. or two. or three. sowwy for not posting :3#drawing the mtt makes me :3 so bad its unreal. i only feel :3 when i see them /srs. they make me :3 they make me prrrr mrrwwwww moewwwwwrrr#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#bad sanses#bad sans gang#nightmare's gang#tricule art#jk fashion au#guys would someone understand if i said that mtt was ✌️🤘🤙 coded. does someone get it. someone else HAS to understand#mtt and their random ass emojis i associate with them ✌️🤘🤙💙💜❤️✧☆♡🐱🐰🐶 UHHHHHGGHHHHthey are in everything#i forgot jk!dust's hairclips someone shoot me RIGHT NOW!#MY HANDWRITING IS SO ASS WTF#i have to add alt text just because this shit is so ass wtf i need to write properly#why is everything on paper you may ask? well its because drawing on digital is the most draining uncomfortable thing i've ever done. paper#I LITERALLY CANNOT GET USED TO DIGITAL. i just can't. i like having an ipad but i will always be better & more comfy on paper with pencil 🙁
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my niece is staying with us for the whole weekend for the first time. until now it's always been one night only, not two.
it's the second night now and I have already decided this is not happening again anytime soon. I'm so fucking exhausted. it'd be less exhausting if it was my nephew, I think - he's older and also doesn't need as much help (even when he was her age).
I love my niece but she just asks so many questions. like when we're watching a show or a movie, even if it's one she has seen before (even multiple times), she doesn't understand what's going on and constantly asks me to explain everything. I don't mind it, really, but it does take a lot of energy. plus tonight it took over two hours for her to fall asleep because she was scared by the noises of the house and the nearby road. I get it, but damn I'm so fucking tired, I just want to sleep 😭
#my nephew will get to stay for two nights soon so that it's fair and everything#but then I think we'll go back to one night only for a while#I just can't sleep when someone else is here. and I do not handle being tired well. or rather being even more tired than usual#so yeah no this is too much#I'm so glad I don't have children. I literally would not survive#we played board games with her today. her idea. she chose the gsme#but it was so fucking difficult.....#I think most kids would have understood this game at like. 10 maybe. probably before that really#she's 12 and a half and just did not get it at all#she's got difficulties learning and she's finally getting (more) help for that in school now but I'm really.. a bit shocked that it took#this long for her parents to accept that#she's a great kid but it's been obvious since she started school that she needs more help#so anyway yeah it's 3am and I think she finally fell asleep after I put Charmed on for her#I've got a massive headache and I'm so fucking tired I feel like I'm losing my mind lol#couldn't sleep last night & I hope it's better tonight. but having someone else here is stressful.#ugh I wish this wasn't so hard for me. I want to be the fun aunt (I'm their only aunt.. aunt-like person... whatever) but I know I get more#and more impatient when they're here. I hate that. but I can't change it. I've tried! for 10 years! but it didn't work#don't get me wrong - I'm never mean or angry with them. I just get somewhat annoyed and I know it's noticeable and I hate that#they don't seem to mind. they love visiting us. but I don't like it because I hated the way adults treated me when I was a kid so I want to#be better#:(#anyway I have to sleep now or tomorrow will be hell :)#personal
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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recent things
#With the heatwave combined with being ill for like an entire week it seems I've lost like 16 days this month#where I basically did barely anything... grrr.... The passage of time... My Enemy...#Now that I can finally hold down food and stuff I'm feeling a little better mostly and my sickness has probably passed. But I still#feel weird a little bit like.. some lingering weakness or something. I think I'm just already having so many Problems at all times even in#my 'Normal' state that whenever I get sick or something my whole system is thrown off for a while lol#I'm supposed to be writing like 2000 words a day still ghbjhb... I've had multiple days of maybe 1000 - 1500. And a lot of days#where I write maybe 20 - 300. I've still been chipping away at the same single quest dialogue for all 20 something#days this month so.. AUGH.. Though that also counts the 16 days I did nearly nothing but be sick and overheated#I finally edited that whole big sims video I wanted to post!!! but now there's an issue with it ... T o T#My fault for still almost exclusively using windows movie maker in 2024 lol.. but HHHHhh.. It's like every once in a while randomly#a fully edited video will not be able to be exported. so evil for this to happen to my first sims build tour in a while. but alas..#ANYWAY... I have been slowly working on little things here and there.. in my little scraps of time.. Wishing to be fully productive at#some point. Maybe I can finally finish and post some things soon. like costume photos or sims videos and etc.#BUT HEY.. that solitaire thing is crazy to me.. I don't think I've ever finished a challenge in under 20 seconds#before. huzzah.. tripeaks squad.. OH.. and an image of#curly tail boye.............. he..... I took him to the vet for a check up and he seems surprisingly okay for a 16 year old. except he has#a mild thyroid issue or something so I'll have to give him medicine. But every time he goes in I'm always expecting them to be like#Sorry. Your Son Is Truly Doomed. or etc. so I'm always shocked when he's fine... a strange boy with many strange behaviors#so I can never tell if he's just Being Weird or if he's sick or soemthing ghjbjh#Also the bad thing about never ending summer heat is that when it IS finally cool for a few days. I don't want to do ANYTHING. It's like wh#n it's hot I feel too sick to do anything. And then when it's cooler I'm like 'OUU the first cool day in WEEKS.. i want to just relax and#fully ENJOY the coolness..'' So it's always constant warfare with my body like.. NO ..we cannot SLEEP. We must utilize this small patch#of Non Heatwave to finally be productive and finish things while we don't feel sick. But then it's like ''ohoho...to lay in the cold air of#the morning restfully.. i shall have a little nap with a blanket on for once.. perhaps.. tee hee'' Always at war with the Tired Sleepy#it seems. AAAANyway...... grr............ slowly finishing things. still usually missing my target writing goals..#Hopefully will have some actual art or costumes or something to post soon. Fumbling through the summer weather as usual lol
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Last night I made a list of all the ways drinking has been negatively effecting me, my relationships, those around me, my body and mind, and my life as a whole recently.
There are 45 separate things listed on there so far
#it’s just .. idk how to go from a pint of vodka a night to nothing#if I try to taper or ween off I’ll just keep drinking too much#I can’t sleep without it anymore either even when I take like 300mg seroquel#literally need fuckin at least 8 drinks to even sleep anymore..#if I do get to sleep it will be like an hour before my sleep is disrupted#I’m fed up#and I don’t want to do this to myself anymore#but it’s so much easier said than done#I know if I continue on this path my body and mind will both continue to be damaged#and I know that if I don’t do something very soon I could end up drinking like this or worse for the rest of my life.#I want and deserve better than that#there is so much more to life than this#and I intend to experience as much of it as possible. without needing a substance to get through the day#ah#I don’t want to be like this anymore#but I really fear it’s too late to change or turn back#sorry lol a lot on my mind
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Trying not to make sweeping judgements and decisions while sleepy.
#struggling#-pers#reminding myself either way my country is crashing further into hell soon so i am more desperate for money at the expense of whatever#than i think i am#also things are an adjustment 2 days isnt enough some of the stuff pissing me off is intermittent some temporary#also 2 days straight of terrible body image days arent helping i just want to stay in my apt 😔#plus the whole sleeping bad the last two nights#okay yeah i need to chill out this is not me at my best actually#-vent#i worked out and had tea and feel kinda better i really need to go back to focusing on not thinking the first couple hours that i am awake#that is drama baby lue and they need to shut the fuck up. sadly my partner was around for that and me flipping out too i apologized but#that is no way for him to start his day i need to get it together jesus 😔
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sheepatron
#expect d-16 sheep soon#my kinsona /hj#ACTUALLY. i dont usually talk about my other hearted ids (aside from. well. sheep)#but oughhfhdbsjd d-16 you were so me during your first arc. before murder ofc#ouhshandm.. ouhf.. something special about d-16 that makes me go “shes so me. sometimes we get too violent. we cant control emotions well#too blinding by betrayal#goddd#if the design slaps ill make it another fursona#i could explain it better. when sleep deprived maybe and my filters disappear#OK ANYWAYS WHY DO I RAMBLE HERE. GOODBYE#txt
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just succinctly wrote my feelings in the tags of a blank post and tumblr fucking deleted it when i tried to post it, i think i will stop trying to vent post on here
#just#fuck#i’m supposed to be asleep#i cant sleep because i know that i’m going to have to figure some heavy stuff out like real soon#how to keep myself and my loved ones safe#too tired to retype it all out#not sleepy. just tired#in my bones#everyone may feel better in the morning but tonight i’m in fucking hell#i cant get drunk or high enough to make it go away#i just want to say that if you voted for this outcome i hope you burn in hell#if you’re right about what god says about me i’ll see you there
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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