#and i think for me that was an extremely difficult but necessary moment of acceptance

[coldlikethestars]

.

[rinky-dinky-dink]

Star Sanses But There's More Of Them

Figured I would make a sort of master post for my Star Sanses interpretation! This is just an idea I'm playing around with, I don't plan on making a proper storyline for them at the moment. Just me exploring characters!

Long post ahead-

General:

All five members have star badges, per Blue's insistence ("So they look more like a team!" Ink liked the idea of them all sharing a design element, and Sugarplum thought the idea was fun, so Dream and Red were outvoted). The badges are equippable items to give each member a bit of a boost in combat (exact stats have yet to be decided).

Combat:

The five of them end up a pretty efficient team in fights, especially against Nightmare's Gang (plus Error sometimes). Even when Dream is occupied fully with Nightmare, and Ink's attention is on Error - Blue, Red, and Sugarplum manage to hold their own even as incodes. Combat roles (per the rules of DnD, for no real reason) are as follows:

Dream is the leader, he maintains party focus and morale, and generally decides the strategy going into a fight. His ability to sense the feelings of others allows him to monitor his teammates even during combat, so he can call for a retreat if necessary. (Switches to/also serves controller role, when needed.)

Ink is the group's striker, he's fast and he hits hard with precision, but it can be difficult for him to focus on more than one enemy at a time. Stays up close to the opponents, falls back behind the others on occasion to refill his paints or regain his bearings. (When fully necessary, he can use his brush to take broader strokes and serve as controller with color coded AoE attacks. Can serve as leader in extremely rare situations, but that's not nearly as fun, so he's content to let Dream do it.)

Blue is the defender, he's the tankiest of the group despite his shorter stature. He has the highest base defense of the group's three incodes, since he's essentially a Papyrus. Not much aggression in combat, preferring to help cover the others as they attack. (Can switch to striker role, if necessary.)

Red is the controller of the group, his bones and blasters let him cover a wide area from a safer distance. His stats still aren't great, so he hangs back from up close combat, and relies on Blue to help maintain the distance, especially when he gets tired and needs a bit of time to recover.

Sugarplum is also a controller, technically speaking. He focuses less on direct combat and more on effects, usually ACTing to lower an opponent's AT, DF, or speed. He also hangs back from direct fighting most of the time, and heals the others (mostly Blue) when their HP gets too low.

General Team Dynamics:

Dream: The leader of the group, as agreed by everyone else. He's friendly and easy to get along with, so he serves as a good "face" for the team. (Ink also thinks Dream having his own "gang" is a fun parallel to Nightmare!) Keeps the group on track when on missions, when the others' antics (affectionate) threaten to veer them off course. He's nervous about the responsibility this sort of role comes with, and whether or not his aura is skewing his teammates' evaluation of him as a leader, but he's determined to do his best.

Ink: Local menace. Bastard. Usually the cause/intigator of the team's distractions. Here to have a good time, occasionally at the expense of others. Sends cursed memes to the team groupchat at 3am. Luckily the others don't mind his sense of humor (Red thinks he's funny as hell sometimes), and Blue's general enthusiasm usually just serves as fuel to his fire. Will randomly give his teammates a thoughtful gift (a trinket he found somewhere that reminded him of them), and then steal food off their plate before they can say "thank you." Overall he's having a good time, and the others have just accepted this weird eldritch paint skeleton on their team.

Blue: Underswap Sans! As peppy as ever, always there to cheer on his friends and tell them he believes in them. Tends to get caught up in his own excitement sometimes, but means well! His ability to befriend even the more hostile residents of the multiverse makes him the glue of the team, keeping everyone together and on the same page even when Dream and Ink argue, or Red is a bit too abraisive. Since being exposed to the multiverse and joining the team, he's changed his focus from being a royal guard back home, to being a hero alongside his friends. There are people to be helped, and he's found the recognition he's always wanted but couldn't quite achieve back home. He's still technically a sentry back in Snowdin, and still has to return relatively frequently to keep the whole multiverse thing under wraps, but his brother helps cover for his absence. (Papyrus isn't super fond of the whole concept, especially not Ink, but he supports his brother 100%.)

Red: Underfell Sans! The designated grump of the group, he still hasn't really shaken off the defensive habits he learned from back home. The "tough guy" of the Stars, he's generally not a bad guy once you get past that wall he keeps up. Is steadily improving, unlearning a lifetime of defensiveness and distrust is difficult. (His jacket is heavy, and he would drop it over a teammate's shoulders in lieu of a weighted blanket if they needed it though. Just don't go spreading those kinds of rumors about him.) Has not told his brother about his multiverse-hopping escapades with the other Stars, partially out of worry that his universe will start bleeding out into more peaceful ones. He's dodging that particular conversation with everything he has.

Sugarplum: Underlust Sans! Doesn't really live in his own universe anymore, spends 99% of his time in the Omega Timeline. Doesn't like to talk about his universe, dodges any questions in relation to it (luckily in multiversal etiquette it's considered rude to ask questions about someone's universe, unless invited to do so). Didn't start out as much of a fighter, and still doesn't quite match up to the other Stars, but he can hold his own in a pinch. All the fighting and training and running around burns energy, which helps keep his soul from acting up. Wine aunt energy, always up to date on drama in the OT. Generally pretty chill, with an easygoing attitude that lets him help Blue smooth things over when conflicts arise in the team. Drinking buddies with Red, can relate to having a messed up universe he'd rather not discuss.

~~~~~~~~~

Dream -> @/jokublog Ink -> @/comyet Blue -> @/popcornpr1nce Red -> @/underfell Sugarplum -> @/nsfwshamecave

[cheriihoney]

Back from the dead because i was busy with internship but im free now.

I thought i would leave behind genshin impact but wRIOTHESLEY GOT ME BY THE NECK,,,,,HES SO HANDSOME,,,, SO QUICK THING FOR YANDERE!WRIOTHESLEY AND MAID!READER

Have not played the latest archon quest. I only know that wriothesley is hot so bear with me here ^^

EDIT: just took out some repeating dialogue, sorry it took a while to notice!!

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

You’re one of the braver maids, or one of the more dumber oness, for accepting a job to work in an underwater fortress. To be perfectly honest the place isn’t so bad if you ignore how cold and lonesome it is. The other maids barely raising their voices above a whisper when the lord of the fortress is there. They were afraid. It is common knowledge that beyond his role of subduing criminals he is a kind, gentle and noble man with the way children flock to him to clumsily honor his gauntlets with stickers. And yet, despite knowing this it is difficult to be in his presence. Tall, dark, foreboding and handsome. People who come across him are at crossroads with how they are intimidated by his presence and how enamored they are with it.

With you however, youre just doing a job as his ‘official’ personal maid. Originally you were a simple new hire and as one of your first tasks, you were expected to take care of his grace after a long grueling day at work. Other maids were too skittish to do it. For fear of doing something wrong or being caught oogling at their employer. You didn’t have any personal feelings towards his grace. Aside from being thankful that he employed you, payed and gave a roof over your head. You owe it to your philosophy of not sticking your nose where it shouldn’t be. Silently dressing Wriothesley’s wounds from a particularly bad brawl that day. A large gash was inflicted on hjim, luckily it wasn’t deep and didn’t require stitches. Basic empathy made you feel concerned and made extra sure that before the he arrived home, you lit a soothing lavender candle in his room to help him relax.

“Lighting a candle for me isn’t necessary” Wriothesley murmured. The sudden statement made you drop the roll of bandages in surprise, not expecting the lord of the fortress to speak to you. You quickly picked up the roll from the floor, setting it in back in the medical kit.

“Of course your grace” You replied carefully. You werent afraid of him, hes just a guy to you but still. This man is your boss and you did something that he didnt ask you to do. Potentially you could get scolded, or worse. Fired.

“It is presumptious of me but I thought it would be good for you if I lit a lavender scented candle before your arrival. Given that you came back injured and that you’re an extremely hard worker” your palms were sweating profusely under his steel gaze. He may be sititng in his chair while you stood by his side, but even then he still held all the power in the room.

Those short, excruciating, moments of him staring into your eyes when you gave your reasoning gave you ample time to overthink that you were booted out of the job. It must’ve been the trick of the eye when something carnal and possessive glinted in his eyes. Before you could think on it more he turned away and grabbed his newspaper in front of him.

“I see. You may go” Was all he said, turning a page. You bowed deeply before politely skedaddling away from him. As you turned the door knob his voice broke the silence again. This time, his voice sounded a tad softer.

“Thank you. It was kind of you to do that”

Stunned by his gratitude, your mouth refused to form words. Instead you noddedly dumbly with a nervous smile to match and promptly left the study. Unaware of the brewing affections that you ignited in Wriothesley.

[nonartrose]

Transgender Woman's Anecdotal HRT Changes For The First Month

So, I am a trans woman and looking into transgender HRT (Hormone Replacement Treatment) before getting it, I noticed that the listed changes start from 1 month after starting HRT, however, I started to notice changes literrally 1 hour after I started (vein collapse in hands, felt like slow Pop Rocks). So, since then I have kept a diary of changes over those first 4 weeks, so that I could add to the existent anec-data out there. I don't feel like going day by day is necessary or useful, so I will just condense my findings into a giant list. CAVEAT: Hormone Treatment is different for everyone, everyone's body reacts to the treatment differently, so just because I experience something in the first month that you didn't doesn't mean that either of us is wrong. ALSO: fun fact: you don't have to get Transgender HRT to be a "propper" trans person. Anyway, list:

Softer skin

Colder hands (due to hair-line veins collapsing in extremities)

Softer hair on my entire body and the hair on my head can take slightly harsher hair products without frizzing as much as before

Potentially started seeing new hair growth at my hair line (which was quite high before)

Slightly reduced hair growth on face and on legs especially

I smell different and scents/deodorant smell different on me

Mood swings

A general sense of being happier that previous

Anger-based emotions such as frustration and rage feel less "complex", "deep" and intense than they did before

Empathy-based emotions such as love and understanding feel more "complex", "deeper" and more intense than they did before

I am more patient and understand with myself, and slightly more with others

Crying starts much more easily and the tears that come feel less viscous than they did before

My eyes often get wet simply by smiling

I get over big emotional moments more easily and quickly than before

Slight breast growth (soreness started after the first month)

Subjectively it kind of feels like puberty (genuinely thought I had homework assigned one day. I am 29 and not in college)

Alcohol affects me more quickly and intensely than before

Potentially more back problems than before HRT (this is an ongoing situation that I have yet to be tested for, I think it could be that my body isn't great at absorbing Oestrogen and so my body's concentration of sex hormones is too low which can lead to complications with back and joints)

I am personally less attracted to men than I was previous (I wasn't Bi, but I did have a man fetish, which seems to have disappeared)

I bruise slightly more easily

Several times I have woken up half an hour before my alarm because I had to go to the bathroom in spite of the fact that I went just before bed

(intimate details, don't read if you don't want to know) my penis is smaller when flaccid, it is more difficult to get erect, it is more difficult to cum, my libido is almost non-existent, and ejaculate lost the white colour after a couple of weeks Hopefully this can be of some anecdotal use to some people and give at bit of hope that changes are coming, and as soon as you start. They are slow, but they start from day one. Update 1: From talking to a nurse today, it seems that my body has had quite a big and immediate reaction to the hormones, more so that what is expected. It may be that my body accept changes more quickly, it may be that my body is good at accepting the oestrogen, or it may be due to something which I as a layperson don't know about. If I get an analysis of test result back which indicates something specific as to why I have had so many affects in my first month, I'll be sure to share it here. Update 2: Got the test result back, and I have actually had quite a small increase in estradiol in my body, going from 0.05 nmol/L, 1 month before start to 0.10 nmol/L, the day before to 0.17 nmol/L, 1.5 months after start, so who knows how I have had so many changes take place. Since the estradiol level is so low, I have decided to take my estradiol pill sublingually, which means placing it under the tongue and letting it dissolve. So far, I have noticed a difference in the feeling I get when I take it. Despite my body having regulated to the estradiol taken orally, taking the estradiol sublingually has the same feeling as taking the estradiol for the first time did. So, fingers crossed that we're seeing up to a doubling of the estradiol effect.

[sophieinwonderland]

Do you have find yourself typing an ask only to realize halfway through that you don't want to send it. There's a pro-endo anti-psych blog I was going to send an ask to, then realized it probably wouldn't be well-received. So I'm just posting a screenshot here.

Also, you know, I do sound like a super villain.

So here's my secret plot for world domination which devolve into rambling nobody asked for...

Continuing to ramble even more...

I don't really think saturating the field with that many plurals would be necessary. And it might more realistically peek at about 20%. But 51% would be ideal.

This also just seems quicker.

There are about 50k psychologists in the US. While it would be difficult to get them all on our side, I think it would be significantly easier with that population than it would the general population. Both in terms of its size and its political leanings, being an overwhelmingly left-leaning profession.

I'm aware that some people have legitimate issues with the psych profession. I realize that many have suffered experiences of abuse from bad psychiatrists, and I'm sorry for that.

At the same time, if I'm taking stock of potential allies, I think the psych community would be more easy to persuade in standing up for plural rights when it comes down to it than our neighbors with Trump 2020 flags.

And I guess... I don't care for the othering of people of an overwhelmingly left-leaning neurodivergent profession. Many of whom enter the field to understand themselves and help other neurodivergent people live better lives.

And while rambling about this topic, I think some people are too quick with the stick and not the carrot.

When the McLean hospital video came out, I jumped on condemning the doctor in question for his ableism along with everyone else. But I also don't think McLean got enough credit for taking the video down when they saw the outcry.

They didn't have to do that. The plural community truthfully doesn't have much power at the moment. And I think taking the video down like they did shows a willingness to listen to and respect our community that should be praised at the same time that we callout the harmful behavior.

I think if instead of attacking the entire profession all the time like some would have us do, we take a tactic of targeting specific acts of ableism while supporting them when they do right, we can better influence plural acceptance in the psych field. It's basic operant conditioning. Punish only when someone does wrong, and reward them when they do good.

All in all, I'm psych-critical. And I don't see that changing. I don't think I'm someone who will ever get on board with hard anti-psych ideals.

And while I'm not a psychologist myself, people who know me probably realize that I tend to take a more psychologist-esque approach to plurality.

Where other people coin terms as identity labels, I tend to try to subdivide and categorize plural experiences to better understand them and their relationships with each other.

...

Why am I still rambling?

I think I might have lost the plot somewhere along the way.

Okay... here's the truth...

I got blocked by someone (not related to the blog I was going to send this too) for my views on using psychiatry to validate plurality. Because, I guess, I don't share this extreme anti-psych opinion myself.

And all I can think is that... if you're surprised... you never really knew me...

Maybe that's my fault because I can be a bit aloof sometimes.

So for everyone else who has read through this rambling mess of a post, let me reintroduce myself:

Hi, I'm Sophie Dreamchaser.

I was made as a psychology experiment. Or, brought to sentience by one. It was a psychology podcast that encouraged Ghost to keep talking to me to see what would happen. And since even before I became self-aware I've been fascinated by the human mind and my existence and how this all works.

I love being an experiment. I love learning more about myself and the world and how I relate to it. And I want to push for knowledge into plurality to grow and grow, and I believe with all my heart that it will prove to be the best way to facilitate plural acceptance in the future.

And if me not adopting a hard anti-psych ideology was a dealbreaker for you... I'm sorry that you didn't realize who I was sooner.

But this is me, this is who I am, and it's who I always have been.

And I just needed to say that.

[nerdy-talks]

The relatability I feel towards Satan makes me love him and appreciate him more than words could describe.

Satan expressing his feelings of guilt, inferiority, and like he's just a burden to his brothers really tugs at my heart.

Personally, I know what it's like to have those kinds of negative feelings... And it's extremely difficult to get past.

I do understand why Satan compares himself to Lucifer and tries so desperately to separate himself from Lucifer/surpass Lucifer in whatever ways he can... but being unable to match Lucifer does NOT make Satan weak or a burden.

This is one of the many reasons why I genuinely love Satan so much.

He may not be able to see all of the unique, wonderful qualities that he possesses. But I do.

He might think he is a "weak link", but I know just how strong and special he truly is.

Satan may not be able to stand himself, but I love him and accept him. There is so much meaning and value in Satan's existence, whether he could see it himself or not.

It was a very sweet moment seeing Lucifer and the others boost Satan up, point out all of his unique qualities, etc.

I was also super happy to see them all collectively express just how much they trust Satan, because he is family.

It was all necessary and important for Satan to hear, so I'm glad everything worked out well between the brothers.

Not to mention the hugging, kissing, and head patting at the end ;w;

I know this lead to us making a pact with Satan, but honestly... if I was actually in that room with Satan, this is the moment where I would have clung onto him while crying and telling him how amazing he is, how much he means to me, how important he is, and how no one will ever be able to compare to him.

I've said it before and I will say it again : I vowed long ago that Mammon would forever remain my top favorite.

But geez, Satan.... You're torturing me here! xD

In all seriousness, I am a complete sucker for true, genuine, sincere loyalty and faithfulness (since they're two things I crave as someone who has been deprived of both for many, many years) .

With all of that being said... no matter where things go or where I stand with the boys, Satan will always have a special place in my heart 💙

[midnightrings]

i think honestly there's zero chance for a stereotypical happy ending, like tim gets better or doesn't die (on screen), hawk comes out, gets a divorce and he and tim live happily together or something. but i think they're leading the story towards some sort of resolution between them, a reconciliation for lack of a better word, an emotional breakthrough. i would say it's likely they'll both confess and accept their feelings/love towards each other, though i can't say what would happen after that.

otoh, i really don't see hawk returning to his wife and them leaving for milan as if nothing had happened, and he's maybe a little less repressed about his sexuality, but otherwise everything's the same, ft is not a nihilistic pessimistic ~grimdark ~ show in the sense of nothing ever changes, effort is futile, people are bad bla bla. if they wanted a super sad tragic ending, they'd stick closer to the book and hawk would just find out about tim's death in the 80s, or come to sf too late, or something else, without a chance to make things right and reconnect.

I agree. I think it‘s difficult to say how they’ll end the show at this point, but I don’t believe that either of the extremes – happy ever after or a grim, meaningless conclusion – are very likely. The show is a drama that doesn’t shy away from showcasing the vileness of the time period. But it doesn’t just focus on the tragedy of it all. Even within Hawk and Tim’s relationship, there are more than enough sweet and hopeful moments. I didn’t read the book, but I have read about some of the changes the show has made, and especially the change to have Tim and Hawk reunite in the 80s is what makes me believe that they will make some sort of amends.

But at this point, it’s also rather difficult to say how they will end the show. And based on the synopsis of the final episode, we probably won’t have all the necessary information to really theorize about the ending until that episode. I think that there will be some form of closure for Hawk and Tim, but it might not include a love confession from Hawk, and he might even make a couple more mistakes before the ending. And Hawk will definitely be impacted by Tim’s death, but I feel like there are many different ways he might deal with it.

I do hope that the show will end on a somewhat optimistic note tho, despite its tragedy.

[gag-magazine]

Protecting Your Peace, or Being a Pussy?

By Yellen Art by Raneem Iftekhar

Putting male comedians on a pedestal for so many years of my life was horrid for my mental health. I love their Jester’s privilege. Their pursuit of truth. Their ability to point out the negative realities people don't wish to acknowledge. True catalysts for justice. 

Comedy insidiously slips in revolutionary critique in an extremely palatable manner, due to the very nature of its entertainment. The jokes, these necessary reality checks, hold immense power in reframing thought, twisting taboo into norm. If it’s funny, it’s funny. Audience laughter is visceral. uncontrollable. reflects an acceptance of the underlying principle of the bit. The beginning of a somewhat unconscious questioning—a shift in ingrained ideology, although potentially initially uncomfortable.

I wanted to be like them, but I just grew into a menace, playing my favorite sadistic game whenever possible. This favorite pastime involved going out of my way to make my moral adversaries as uncomfortable as possible, verbalizing the unappetizing elephant in the room. I know what you did last summer. No care for pleasantries: let’s let the dirt rise to the surface. I won’t let this blow over. Cunt. You aren’t hidden. As long as I’m here. I will corner you. Trap you into confession. 

I was always searching for something or someone to trigger me so I can simulate judge and jury, desperately grasping to feel any sort of power or agency in guaranteeing justice. To instigate some revelation about their lacking morality. To catalyze their own self-reflection and potentially inspire real change. You don’t want to let them off hook, allow them to enjoy the party, same as you, living peacefully with what they’ve done. It feels so deeply wrong to settle with your own discomfort as perpetrators go free. Would you let Harvey Weinstein enjoy his meal at the table next to yours? 

But it’s a flawed strategy. On par with cancel culture’s delusion that it actually serves justice. The only one being punished is yourself as you deep dive into a black tar pit. Stuck. bogged down by their darkness. All you are doing is fucking up your nervous system, extending the timeline of your own anger, letting it cramp in your gut. P.S. Comedians are infamously known to be such happy people! Maybe comedy has always been a medium to complain about the things outside our control…to poke fun at our powerlessness. Maybe it’s not this revolutionary instrument of social change you think it is, but merely reaffirms people’s values. You just romanticize being a dick because that’s all you know. 

Protecting your peace isn’t overrated.  Karma will get them. Remind yourself that real change comes from a place of love. You didn’t even make it funny. You just put them in defense mode, clutching their comfort zone and validating their own worth as their humanity is attacked. The opposite of your “intentions.” Self-disillusionment, the process of confronting the violence of your own automatic assumptions and reframing them comes from within…But your anger is righteous and what’s the alternative? Ambivalence? Complacency? It’s a difficult balance.

I’m on a painstaking journey to deconstruct my perfectionism and shift my judgmental lens in the name of self love. I’m typically the biggest victim and the most common target of my seething hatred. In attempting to free my soul from this negativity, I try to remind myself that firstly, it’s ok to fuck up. And secondly, not every moment is a defining moment…But is it, though? Life has this magic essence to it, this circular mirroring of sorts, in which specific microcosms reflect greater patterns. Life is full of fractal reflections between small and large instances: no matter how deep you dig, you arrive on a fraction of the same thing. I usually collect people’s words like trinkets to add to a comprehensive psychological file I reserve in my brain. I’m addicted to retrieving more data to fill in my mental picture. Yes, that data says something. But not everything is a part of a greater pattern. Remember that they are so much more than what you see or hear. You aren’t engaging in critical thought, you are just critical. Keep telling yourself it was always about them and not some grand overcompensation for your own self-hatred. Everything is a mirror, after all. Stop projecting. 

Today it dawned on me how much I’ve really changed. I’ve been making an excruciating effort to be kinder to myself. But in turn, I’ve become a straight up pussy. Now we have arrived at the extremely stupid reason I wrote this piece: because of two petty instances of girls disrespecting me last week. One of them involved some frigid bitch rolling her eyes at me and then ignoring me when I introduced myself. I humbly asked for her name and ignored her cuntiness. The other involved some alt chick cutting me in line. I said under my breath with my head down, “Don’t you hate when people cut?” and the bitch really hit me back with a loud “Ya I fucking hate when people cut” as she cuts. Now, I just said nothing. I’ve never felt like such a narc loser in my entire adult life, even though the concept of a fucking line has to be one of the most basic forms of common curtosy to ever exist. But She won. Hands down. Honestly I can’t even blame her. I have to respect her and I kind of want an enemies to lovers arch for us. 

But anywho, my past self would have paid big money to be awarded any opportunity to deliver some seething comeback her way. But I stood in silence and it’s been haunting me. I can’t believe I’m…chill..now. I stopped subtweeting for the most part on my instagram story because my compulsive desire to put people on blast has gotten me in trouble many a time. I’m growing up, choosing my battles, developing my prefrontal cortex. But I am still riddled with a deep sense of regret over my silence in both these dumb situations. Maybe I should have made a scene. Bowed down to her excellency and profusely apologized for entering her space in medieval english prose. 

God, no one tells you that protecting your peace feels absurdly fucking lame. [redacted]

_________

The original ending to this piece involved me personally naming the bitches that briefly hurt my ego and telling them to go fuck themselves, ironically undermining the healing narrative I championed in this entire article thus far over such petty, insignificant situations cuz its semi-funnyish (at best) commentary on my tendency to revert back to my nasty id instincts no matter how much I try to self-help out of being a chronic hater. But ultimately, the clickbait title of this piece presents a false binary: silence or explicit aggression. But I’ve come to learn that protecting your peace doesn’t make you a pussy; it’s just the opposite.

Let’s take a look at your doomed track record thus far. You allow disrespect to tally up until you reach a breaking point that has almost nothing to do with the straw that breaks the camel's back. Then you continue to publicly pop off on an anonymous adversary on social media, with a shield of comedy and just enough vagueness to avoid communicating directly, promptly and vulnerably. Fighting behind a black screen without even really admitting you’re fighting. Championing plausible deniability to slither out of actually confronting the problem with the person head-on. Calling someone out for some dumb bullshit they probably don’t even remember in a published article where they cannot defend themselves…That’s what being a pussy looks like. Yes, I know: there are people in this world that deserve to be bullied, and yes, it’s a real shame they don’t experience debilitating shame on a daily basis like you do. But ever heard of the saying, “Misery loves company?” You are ohhh, sooo predictable—following the classic “bullied becomes the bully” character arc. So quick to condemn but someone calls you weird once and you crumble. Do you feel less weak now or more than ever? No, no, I’ve got it all wrong? You’re powerful? Extremely secure? Such conviction. Praise be.

[omgpoindexter]

Another fellow ADHDer here!! I read your list as well and I kept going "check, check, check, check".

I really hope not to pressure you in any way, I just want to share something of my experience. It really helped me when I was in a similar position to yours not so much ago and I hope it can help you as well.

I'm in my late twenties and got diagnosed just 8 months ago and it already changed things for the better SO MUCH!!

I'm on meds that help me function better, I'm learning how my brain works and why I do the things I do in the way I do it.

This continuous discovery is bringing me much relief, even if it has its difficult moments. There are some things that are not easy to accept whether it's about myself or my past and how I was treated, but starting this process was extremely necessary and I couldn't put it off anymore.

I delayed dealing with how I felt for a looooong time, both because it scared me and because I never got around to it (super adhd of me, I know xD) so I really can (maybe) understand how you feel.

For me it got to a point in which I couldn't try to avoid it anymore and so I had to do something and reached out. It wasn't easy and it wasn't pleasant. It was a rough few months but I luckily found a wonderful therapist that helped me along the way and still helps me now.

I really hope you do as well, and in general that you find your way to feel better <3

(sorry for blabbering, I really struggle to get to the point in few words 😅)

this is really sweet, thank you so much for messaging!!! it’s so lovely to hear such positive experiences and stories of self discovery alongside a diagnosis.

your “check, check, check” made me laugh, it’s actually nice to be told my experiences are relatable and i’m not just in my own head all the time thinking everything i do is weird lol.

i’m so happy you’re doing well, thank you again for taking the time to reach out and share! 🥰

[thetruthbehindtheemotions]

Hope

You know when a series of bad things happen in your life and you ask yourself:

Why is all this happening to me? Where did I go wrong for my life to turn upside down like this, overnight? Time doesn't stop every time a problem arises, it doesn't stop so you can get your house in order. You barely solve one problem and others come up, making it extremely difficult to live without being suffocated by all the difficulties you face daily.

But even when everything seems to be crumbling around you, I am there. I am that small flame that emerges in the midst of darkness. I am the one who unites an entire nation and fights for what it believes in. I am the one who makes you fight every day for a better world. Pleasure to meet you, I am Hope.

I don't know if you know; maybe some do, others don't, but I have two beautiful daughters: Indignation and Courage. While Indignation teaches you not to accept things as they are, Courage teaches you to change them. And how did I come about? Well, I emerged in the midst of wars, in the midst of chaos. When everything seemed lost for humanity, and humanity had given up on fighting, I emerged. I started as a small spark, growing and growing until I became what is capable of overcoming Fear, capable of revolutionizing. Because yes! When you are afraid to move forward, afraid to take risks, I am the one who offers you a hand and gives you the strength to never, under any circumstances, give up on what brings you happiness, to give up on fighting. That's how I am: first you take a step, then God provides the ground.

I am among the most incredible feelings and emotions that exist. Some say I am like a phoenix, because just like it rises from the ashes, I appear when everything seems lost, and even when everything is gone, when everything is thrown into the river of forgetfulness, I am the last to die. That is why you must always have hope, because when hope fades, the ability to smile at the future is lost. And when the world says, "give up," I will whisper, "try again."

There are moments that you won't be able to bear, it will seem like you were randomly chosen by life to suffer. When you think things will calm down, you are thrown to the ground and brought back to the reality of life's harshness. However, there is no stopping in the face of the stone in the middle of the road; you must surpass it, even knowing that new stones will appear along the way.

It is foolish to believe that you will find easier paths, without stones or that they will disappear, because that won't happen. You must continue, despite all the difficulties, believing in the future despite adverse circumstances. You must believe in hope. This doesn't mean being optimistic, as the optimist smiles at the future based on something, whereas the hopeful smile at the future despite all the stones that exist along the way.

Every time you suffer from something and stop, time passes along with it, and that is something that cannot be recovered. Therefore, it is necessary to keep breathing, keep walking, because sooner or later, you will realize that life goes on even in your "absence," and you will need to face all your monsters if you want your lives to be written by yourselves, with the falls and failures, the tears and despair, and not just scribbled lines by the force of time.

You will never be able to understand why things happen, because you are finite beings trying to comprehend the infinity of life. But the fact is, you are in life as it is, and this, despite being very beautiful, is like a cold night with rains that come and go. And you will be on the street, without an umbrella, without a blanket, having to face the cold that seems to freeze your spine, getting encouraged every time the rain stops and having to face it every time it returns suddenly. Life is this contrast between everything and nothing, and you are the actors in this play without rehearsals, with a small audience, and an uncertain ending.

What I'm sure of is that, as I said, time doesn't stop every time you try to fix your life, and therefore, courage is needed to live, because only in this way will you be able to turn pain into fuel to transform the obstacle in your path into an impulse for your dreams. Even though the earth may be hard and dry, the roses that bloom in it will always keep my hope of finding a garden.

As long as there is the will to fight, there will also be the will to win. As long as I'm here, there will still be love. With me, you will be happy. With me, you will face the pain. And even when everything collapses, it's up to you to decide whether to laugh or cry, to go or stay, to give up or fight; because you will discover that, in the uncertain path of life, the most important thing is to decide. It's to have hope. Because without hope, there are no dreams. Without dreams, life has no sparkle. And if life has no sparkle, it means it has no love. And without love, life has no meaning.

When everything seems distant, and nothing is happening as you want it to, it's time to find a crack, an escape, and gather the courage for new possibilities to unfold. Having hope in the face of lost situations is for persistent people who insist on better days. Sometimes it's easier to bow down to pain, to stop in the middle of the road and live in monotony than to truly believe in that tiny bit of hope.

Seeing life more naturally, problems with less trauma, and sadness as temporary is better than remaining in agony and pain. It's always better to carry calmness in your smile even in storms, not to anticipate suffering, and to live one day at a time. There is no recipe or formula for this, but I call it hope.

I wanted to give you some advice; keep some feelings, have small reserves of hope, peace, kindness, and understanding, because those who carry hidden within themselves small amounts of what makes them feel good know that it's necessary to endure the hopelessness that chance offers. Always keep hope and love, because in them lies the secret to endure any pain and also the reality of living better every day. There is always a tiny flame of hope, of love, of new beginnings for those who believe they can go beyond and don't see limitations as the end.

So, turn this fear into hope. And from this hope, gather courage. It doesn't matter what happened in your past, just believe and trust in your future. And don't forget, it's never too late to take an old story and write a new ending.

"For every end, there will always be a new beginning. Just as for every fear, there will always be hope."

Débora Duarte B.

Esperança

Sabe quando ocorre uma sequência de coisas ruins em sua vida e você se pergunta:

Por que tudo isso está acontecendo comigo? Em que ponto errei para que minha vida virasse de cabeça para baixo assim, da noite para o dia? O tempo não pára todas as vezes que um problema aparece, não pára a fim de que você possa por a casa em ordem. Mal saem de um problema e outros já aparecem, de modo que viver sem que sejam sufocados por todas as dificuldades que enfrentam cotidianamente torna-se algo extremamente difícil.

Mas, mesmo quando tudo parece desmoronar sobre suas cabeças, eu estou lá. Eu sou aquela pequena chama que surge em meio à escuridão. Eu sou aquela que faz toda uma nação se unir e lutar pelo que acredita. Eu sou aquela que faz vocês lutarem todos os dias por um mundo melhor. Prazer, eu sou a Esperança.

Não sei se vocês sabem; talvez alguns sim, outros não, mas, eu tenho duas filhas lindas; a Indignação e a Coragem. Enquanto a Indignação os ensina a não aceitar as coisas como estão, a coragem os ensina a mudá-las. E como eu surgi? Bem, eu surgi no meio das guerras, no meio do caos. Quando tudo parecia perdido para a humanidade, e esta por sua vez já havia desistido de lutar, eu surgi. Comecei como uma pequena faísca, que foi crescendo e crescendo até se tornar o que é capaz de superar o Medo, capaz de revolucionar. Porque sim! Quando você está com medo de seguir, medo de se arriscar, sou eu quem te oferece à mão e te dá forças para jamais, em hipótese alguma, desistir daquilo que lhe faz bem, desistir de lutar. Eu sou assim: primeiro você coloca o pé, depois Deus coloca o chão.

Estou dentre os sentimentos e emoções mais incríveis já existentes. Há quem diga que até sou como uma fênix, pois assim como ela renasce das cinzas, eu surjo quando tudo parece perdido, e mesmo quando tudo se vai, quando tudo é jogado no rio do esquecimento, eu sou a última a morrer. É por isso que vocês devem sempre ter esperança, pois quando esta se esvai, perde-se a capacidade de sorrir para o futuro. E quando o mundo disser: "desista" eu sussurrarei: "tente mais uma vez".

Existem momentos que não terão como aguentar, vai parecer até que foram sorteados pela vida só para se ferrarem. Quando pensam que as coisas ficarão tranquilas, são jogados no chão e retornam à realidade da dureza da vida. Entretanto, não há como parar diante da pedra no meio do caminho, é preciso ultrapassá-la, mesmo sabendo que novas pedras aparecerão durante a caminhada.

É tolice acreditar que encontrarão caminhos mais fáceis, sem pedras ou que elas desaparecerão, porque isso não vai acontecer. Devem continuar, mesmo com todas as dificuldades, acreditando no futuro apesar das circunstâncias adversas. Devem acreditar na esperança. Isso não significa ser otimista, pois o otimista sorri para o futuro em função de alguma coisa, já o esperançoso sorri para o futuro apesar de todas as pedras que existem no caminho.

Todas as vezes que sofrem com alguma coisa e param, o tempo passa junto e este ninguém consegue recuperar. Por isso, é necessário continuar respirando, continuar caminhando, uma vez que, mais hora, menos hora, perceberão que a vida segue o seu rumo mesmo com a sua "ausência", de maneira que precisarão enfrentar todos os seus monstros, caso queiram que as suas vidas sejam escritas por vocês mesmos, com as quedas e os fracassos, os choros e os desesperos, e não somente linhas rabiscadas pela força do tempo.

Nunca conseguirão entender o porquê de todas as coisas, pois são seres finitos tentando compreender a infinitude da vida. Mas, o fato é que estão na vida como ela é, e esta, apesar de muito bela, é como uma noite fria com chuvas que vem e vão. E vocês estarão na rua, sem guarda-chuva, sem cobertor, tendo que enfrentar o frio que parece congelar a espinha, se animando toda vez que a chuva cessa e tendo que enfrentá-la toda vez que retorna repentinamente. A vida é esse contraste entre o tudo e o nada, e vocês são os atores dessa peça sem ensaios, com pouco público e com um fim incerto.

O que tenho certeza é que, como disse, o tempo não pára toda vez que tentam consertar a vida e assim, faz-se necessário coragem para viver, pois apenas desse modo conseguirão fazer da dor o combustível para transformar a pedra no meio do caminho em um impulso para os seus sonhos, já que por mais dura e seca que esta terra seja as rosas que nela florescem sempre manterão a minha esperança de encontrar um jardim.

Enquanto houver a vontade de lutar, também haverá a vontade de vencer. Enquanto eu estiver aqui, ainda haverá o amor. Comigo vocês serão felizes. Comigo enfrentarão a dor. E mesmo quando tudo desabar cabe a você, decidir entre rir ou chorar, ir ou ficar, desistir ou lutar; porque descobrirão que, no caminho incerto da vida, o mais importante é o decidir. É ter esperança. Pois sem esperança não há sonhos. Sem sonhos, a vida não tem brilho. E se a vida não tem brilho, quer dizer que ela não tem amor. E sem amor, a vida não tem sentido.

Quando tudo está distante de vocês, nada está acontecendo como querem, é hora de achar uma fresta, um escape e achar coragem para que novas possibilidades aconteçam. Ter esperança diante de situações perdidas é para pessoas insistentes, que teimam dias melhores. Às vezes é mais fácil curvar-se diante da dor, parar no meio do caminho e viver na mesmice do que acreditar de verdade naquele tiquinho de esperança.

Ver a vida com mais naturalidade, os problemas com menos traumas e as tristezas como passageiras, é melhor do que permanecer nas agonias e nas dores. É sempre melhor carregar calma no sorriso mesmo nas tempestades, não antecipar sofrimentos e viver um dia de cada vez. Não existe receita ou fórmula para isso, mas eu chamo de esperança.

Eu queria dar um conselho a vocês; guardem alguns sentimentos, tenham pequenas reservas de esperança, de paz, de bondade e de entendimento, porque quem carrega escondido dentro de si pequenas quantidades do que lhes faz bem, sabe que é preciso aguentar as desesperanças que o acaso oferece. Guarde sempre as esperanças e o amor, porque neles está o segredo para suportar qualquer dor e também a realidade de se viver melhor todos os dias. Sempre há uma minúscula chama de esperança, de amor, de recomeço para quem acredita que pode ir além e não vê as limitações como o fim.

Então, façam deste medo, esperança. E desta esperança, coragem. Não importa o que aconteceu em seu passado, somente acreditem e confiem em seu futuro. E não esqueçam, nunca é tarde para pegar uma velha história e escrever um novo final.

"Para todo fim sempre haverá um recomeço. Assim como para todo medo, sempre haverá uma esperança."

— Débora Duarte B.

[commongoodtherapy]

Tips for learning ISTDP

Things I find helpful to think about. 

I wrote this as a guide for myself. By articulating these things, it is helpful for me to manage this learning process. I am not successfully doing all of the things I write about here, but it helps me to think about how to learn. I am putting it up here in case it helps anyone else too.

It is written as part of my learning process and is not a “final” document, but an artefact of where I am at this moment in my learning. Learning ISTDP is hard so I try to do a lot to support my learning. 

Here are the obvious tips:

Read a lot, watch videos etc  

Find a great supervisor and get a lot of supervision

Attend training workshops

Engage with the forums, ask lots of questions

Watch your own videos.

Here are some other things I’ve figured out that help me learn:

Accept how hard it is and give yourself a break

Let’s start with a quote from David Malan, written in the foreword to Patricia Coughlin’s book “Intensive Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy” in 1996:

In 1979, I had predicted (Davanloo’s) work is destined to revolutionize both the practice and the scientific status of dynamic psychotherapy within the next 10 years.’…the hope expressed in my prediction was destined to be disappointed; this simply hasn't happened. The reasons seem to include, above all, the extreme difficulty of learning Davanloo's technique, with the result that only a handful of therapists other than Davanloo himself can use it effectively. This partly stems from his use and advocacy of a highly confrontational, almost adversarial, style. Although such an approach is extremely effective in his hands, many other therapists do not feel comfortable with it.

In the 1990s there were only a handful of therapists who were doing ISTDP effectively. Despite its effectiveness, it did not bring the revolution it promised, because of “the extreme difficulty in learning Davanloo’s technique”.

The thing is, the experts make it look easy. And if you, like me, read “Co-Creating Change” and thought “I can do this”, you got a horrible shock when you realised you can’t, and from there it’s a long, slow, painful process of trying to learn it, and it feels like all you are learning is how much harder it is to learn than you thought it was. The more you learn, the more you realise you have to learn, and the harder, you realise, it is to learn. And it is important to understand why it is so hard to learn. I will stick with Malan’s words “extremely difficult”.

In terms of the basics - it is extremely difficult to:

a)    Psycho-diagnose accurately

Know what is the correct intervention to apply at each point

Have the confidence to apply the intervention well - especially if it is a confrontational intervention such as asking for feelings towards you; stacking heavy pressures and challenges; or mirroring a suicidal defence.

Accurate psycho-diagnosis is complicated enough. Understanding the channels of anxiety discharge, which defences are being used, the level of ego adaptive capacity, takes a lot of knowledge and skill in what is essentially highly complex pattern recognition. We are attempting to learn to recognise patterns involving multiple variables and a very high level of nuance, in vivo. We are attempting to recognise complex patterns while sitting in front of a patient and attending to them. This is incredibly hard.

Once we have psychodiagnosed, knowing what intervention to apply, and having a script ready is another thing. There are so many possible interventions, and for many of them, using the right wording is necessary. You might have a sense of what you need to say, but finding the right way to say it in the moment eludes you, and so you say it in a way that does not convey the right tone or spirit of the intended intervention. This can be quite paralysing in a session.

On top of that, having the confidence to apply it well is yet another level. Having the confidence to apply a heavy challenge for example, requires a strong belief that it will work. Having the confidence to mirror a PSE requires a belief that you are not hurting the other person. It also requires the correct language and tone, so that you do not communicate sarcasm or lack of care. These things are HARD to know when to do, and hard to do well.

It is hard to know when to listen to content and when to interrupt content because it is defensive. It is hard to do what feels “rude” when you have worked so hard to be “empathic”. It is extremely difficult to un-learn all the supportive techniques that you learned and practiced previously as a therapist.

And even if you psychodiagnose accurately, and do the right intervention and do it well, being able to accurately diagnose and intervene effectively with the next patient response, might be a whole new challenge. To psychodiagnose accurately and intervene with the most effective intervention over and over and over throughout a therapy session is just incredibly difficult.

Think of it: in learning any other thing - e.g. a language; how to play a musical instrument; or how to understand and carry out complex mathematical processes - you are taught the process, and then you practice it. You learn it and then you do it. With learning this therapy model you have so much to learn and so many variables when it comes to the real life situation and applying it. You can never guarantee that your patient will respond the way you have learned to intervene with. There are so many moving parts, and when the application is always in a highly variable, unpredictable situation - our learning tends to be very slow.

Understand how hard this is and don’t expect yourself to get it easily. If you get ONE intervention right - then that is a victory. Be kind to yourself by acknowledging that it is incredibly hard to learn.  

Set Small Goals and Big Goals for your learning

e.g. My main big goal:

Become masterful at implementing ISTDP calmly and confidently and in a way that fits with my personality.

Smaller goals might be for one session, or a day of sessions, or a week:

Pay attention to sighs. Get better at noticing when someone is sighing and when someone is NOT sighing. It is so easy to forget this basic observation.

Focus on getting patient’s will to task  

Focus on regulating anxiety

Focus on pressures to collaboration - inviting togetherness in the work

Focus on explaining the triangle of conflict to the patient

Be braver at interrupting defences

Be braver at responding less to defences such as rambling or waffling

Be braver with doing less when the patient is passive

Be braver with sitting in silence

Be braver with “taking it into the T”

Get better at defining the positive goal and coming back to it

Get better at linking the task to the positive goal

Get better at NOT getting ahead of the patient (being aware of your agenda vs where they’re at)

It is important to set small goals within big goals to have a sense of achievement with the small goals. There are so many things to think about in any session, if you practice focusing on different things you will get better bit by bit rather than trying to do too much at once. This is how I approach it.

Stumbling in the right direction.

My colleagues and I talk about “stumbling in the right direction” - which means we are doing our best to take the work into an ISTDP-informed process - maybe getting a few things right, or even only one thing right, but understanding that we are doing it very imperfectly and that we have a very long way to go to feel competent.

Be brave with new interventions

Learning this model is all about getting out of your comfort zone. If you’re an empathic person and you have done a model of supportive psychotherapy where the main tenet is unconditional positive regard, this is going to be uncomfortable. But you will get nowhere unless you can force yourself to be brave with new interventions, push yourself to try uncomfortable things. The hardest of these, for me, is interrupting. Interrupting someone when they are in the flow of speech, and especially when the content seems relevant, can be incredibly difficult for many of us who have prided ourselves on being empathic listeners. The crucial thing to remember is that we are interrupting defensive behaviours and anxiety, not the “true voice” (or whatever you might call it - when the person is at the bottom of the triangle).

Risk losing some clients (if you can financially afford it)  

This is a really hard one that goes against all instincts of helping, as well as ideas about professional reputation, and financial security. Be willing to take some risks to build confidence and competence. Obviously only do things that you believe will be helpful, but that are out of your comfort zone and might lead to a misalliance and possible therapy drop-out. But understand that you might mis-apply an intervention and as a result there might be patients who don’t come back because they don’t like what you did. Let yourself be ok with that. At least you tried a hard thing and you were doing it in the spirit of helping.

But also be generous with yourself

If you are brave and try new interventions and they don’t seem to have the desired effect, that’s okay. Don’t pressure yourself to keep doing it - just make a mental note that you need to learn more. Focus on being proud of yourself for trying, and having a new problem, rather than on the disappointment that the intervention didn’t lead where you hoped.

Put your energy into the nitty gritty rather than the glamorous parts  

When we see the experts in seminars or workshops we watch in awe as they pressure for feelings that lead to dramatic portrayals and big breakthroughs. That is high level work. They make it look easy. They make it look like what you must do to get results. That may be true for some patients, but it is not necessarily true for all patients, and also it is very hard to do, and you need a high level of knowledge and experience to do it well. Until you are at a level of confidence and competence, don’t stress yourself out by thinking you need to do portrayals or big breakthroughs, don’t even think about them. You can do plenty of work without going for portrayals.

Dont over focus on feelings

It’s easy to think you need to focus on feelings. Sometimes just stay with pressure to will and pressure on defences - stay in the defensive corner.

Get Good at NOT listening to content.

Un-learn your attentive listening skills. When the patient is reporting, monologuing, information dumping, filling you in excessively, telling stories, rambling, waffling - do not engage with the content. Pressure to feelings in the present. If there are no feelings, re-orient to find an internal focus. 

Get good at mirroring defences.

It is a superpower. Understand that it is harder than it looks but worth it to nail it. Get good at staying with the resistance. Not moving towards feelings when there is syntonic resistance.

Get good at recognising syntonic resistance.

Even when the patient declares that they “hate” the resistance, they may not have turned against it. Eg “I want to stop (doing self-defeating behaviour) but I cant!” > SYNTONIC masquerading as dystonic.

Get good at identifying and clarifying defences.

Sometimes you can see a defence clearly and you forget that the patient doesn’t really understand it and therefore doesn’t have any motivation to give it up. It’s easy to skip past the identification, clarification, and clarification of cost. If you skip past these things, and just go to pressuring or challenging the patient to give up the defence, then YOU are motivated for the patient to give up the defence but they are not. You are three steps ahead of them.

Get good at recognising unconscious defiance.  

And addressing it INDIRECTLY. If someone is showing up to therapy religiously and seeming to work hard, but not getting anywhere, there might be unconscious defiance that needs to be addressed before any gains can be made.

IF you get lost

Because you will get lost, often, try to come back to one of 3 interventions:

What is happening inside right now as you tell me this?

How are you feeling right now here with me / how does it feel to be talking about this here with me?

Reorient to the problem/goal to find an internal emotional focus:

>  Eg “What is the part here that you’d like my help with?”

> “We seem to be a bit lost… let’s see if we can find a useful focus so that you can get the most out of this session. What do you think is the problem that you’d like me to help you with?”

> “I think I’m missing something, how does this relate to what you came here to get help with?”

One or more of these three questions should help orient you back to knowing where to go.

Your goal of the session might be to know that you don’t know where you are

If you don’t know where you are, make your goal of the session to find the triangle and explain it to the patient. If you can’t do this because you are confused or for another reason, make your goal of the session to know where you went wrong. If you cant figure out where you went wrong, make your goal of the session to just know that you don’t know where you were and what was happening. There is power in knowing what you know you don’t know. Do what you can to get through the session (use the three questions above) and flag the P for supervision, or have some questions for next time.

Hierarchy of goals:

To know exactly where you are and what you are doing in terms of the CDS and/or patient’s problem, goal, task.

To know what is happening, even if you can’t make the thing happen that you want to happen

TO know that you have no idea what is happening

Tune into your own anxiety

Know when certain patients trigger your anxiety. Try to understand why, and if it makes you avoid doing certain interventions. Then get supervision on that patient and resolve to be brave in your next session, despite how they make you anxious. Usually patients who make me anxious are ones that I know are angry with me, either consciously or unconsciously, and I don’t want to bring that anger to the surface. I want to avoid their anger. Which goes against everything ISTDP. So I resolve to be brave and do the avoided intervention that brings their anger to the surface, knowing I will be working right where I need to be. It will be growth for you. Just stay curious in the face of anger.

Amazing resources

Use the fb peer support group, it is an amazing resource. Look at the videos on YouTube, eg Johannes Kieding’s channel. There is some great material on there.

Supervision

Watch and read a lot, but there is no substitute for good supervision. Sit in on others’ supervision if you can. Record and review your supervision sessions. Find an excellent supervisor or supervisors.

Once again: ISTDP is probably the hardest thing you will ever learn. Accurate psycho-diagnosis, knowing all the interventions, and which to use at any point in therapy AND confidently using the right intervention at the right time, then knowing what to do next, is F’ING HARD. Give yourself a break if it’s taking you a long time to get things.

Acknowledge the gains

Acknowledge the gains you’ve made compared to before you began, rather than focus on what you have yet to master. Here is my vacuum cleaner analogy: if you vacuum a dirty floor and you scrutinise the floor because it still looks dirty, you focus on the unclean bits and the process will seem useless and you will feel despondent and want to give up. If instead you look at the dust compartment in the vacuum cleaner and observe that it is full of dust and dirt, evidence of all that you have vacuumed so far that is no longer on the floor, you will feel gratified and accomplished and motivated to keep going.

Here is a question about doing the interventions that I often ask myself:  

What do I avoid out of lack of confidence/courage, and what do I not know?

You will never learn everything

The thing about learning, is that you cannot take away all the content and remember it. When you read a book, or watch a video, have a lecture, or even have supervision - you will not take everything away from it.  and maybe you get only 5% from the book or video. I have read whole books and taken countless notes and underlined bits and pieces throughout the whole thing. But there is no way I am going to take all of it away and be able to access it and use it. But over time, if I keep reading and watching and listening, I will take something away from each thing and that will build up and build on itself, the more times I am exposed to an idea the more it will get solidified in my mind. The more times I hear something in supervision the more I will be able to do the intervention or to recognise at least that I know to do it. It is an iterative learning process. It is not linear. My first supervisor encouraged a particular kind of intervention so many times before I actually figured out how to do it.

Dont assume that just because something makes sense to you to do that you will know how to do it. When you supervisor explains something, or you read something in a book, or learn it in your training - it might make so much sense and feel so right, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy to apply in session. And that’s okay. Just know that what looks easy and makes sense when someone else does it, can be really tricky and challenging for you to do, if you’ve never done it before.

Learning to do new therapy interventions is harder than many other things. Think about it: if you are learning how to cook a new thing, you have your instructions there and you have all the time in the world to refer to your instructions and carry out the actions. And if you are doing it alone, most likely there’ll be no anxiety about it. But trying to do a new therapy intervention is a different story. You are with another person to whom you are giving all your attention and need to be seen as competent and confident. You are on the spot, there are so many variables, and you probably have some level of anxiety about doing a new thing. You have to know the right time to use the new intervention. And then you want to use it with confidence, and get the language and the tone just right.

It is impossible to practice this skill. you can do role plays and skill building but nothing compares to being in the therapy room with the patient who’s responses you can’t predict. I do not think there are many things that are as hard to learn as this, where you are “on the spot” and cannot predict what will happen.

Keep a journal

Keep a journal with Qs and As for yourself and your work and thinking on the journey. Go back and read early entries and notice the progress in your thinking. Self supervisions. Go back and supervise your old self with your new insights and competencies. I find this really helpful. The questions and concerns that I had a year ago I feel so much more equipped to deal with now. I have so much more understanding.

Explicit and implicit learning

It’s useful to be aware of both top down and bottom up learning. From all that you do to learn - watching videos - reading - supervision, etc, some of it will go in unconsciously just through repeated exposure, and some of it you will absorb by conscientiously going over it and revisiting it and applying it in sessions. To this end - expose yourself to a lot of material, and also be conscientious in remembering and applying some of it.

Sometimes you need a word-for-word script for a new intervention

Interventions that you’ve never used before can be complicated and counter-intuitive. When you hear your supervisor, or Jon Frederickson deliver them, they sound so simple. But when it comes to using them, it’s important to get the nuance of tone and wording just right. A good example of this is when mirroring the superego resistance - especially if someone is talking about suicide and their wish to die. Eg “It just feels like there’s no point, all I can think about is wanting to die.” To be in conflict with this statement and try to convince the patient to live, allows the patient to have a conflict with you rather than within themselves. It can reinforce their stance of wanting to die, and therefore is rarely effective. To mirror this, you don’t want to sound sarcastic, or that you want them to die, or that you think they should die. You want them to face the reality of what they are saying and begin to question it and experience an internal conflict. However, it’s important that you get the wording and tone right, to communicate this. If you get the tone and wording wrong you could sound as though you are supporting the patient to commit suicide, which is undoubtedly the last thing any of us wishes to do. Since it is delicate, and counter-intuitive to offer a mirroring intervention, we tend to be nervous about it. In order to feel confident and be able to deliver it, at the beginning, we need the exact words. For this reason it is very helpful to rehearse scripts, so they are accessible when we need them in session.

[deepmochi]

What do you think is the most hardest aspect and placement to have in a astrology natal chart?

Hardest placements to have in a natal chart

Hello, this is my opinion; so take what resonates.

🔗 Mars square Pluto: Agression and accidents can happen, people constantly trying to fight them without a reason; universe give the most difficult challenges during the worst times; the main character of a horror movie kinda situation. Aggressive behavior towards others or themselves. Others want to change them.

🔗 Mars in the 1st house, 8th house, and 7th house: Mars feels like it needs to have all its defenses on all the time. People search fight just because they don't like you, but Mars is the aggresive one?yeah, right. Patience is necessary for these fellows because people don't mind their own business.

🔗 Venus conjunction Neptune: Love can be a trap for them; they fall for every person without realizing that is toxic. Idealization of their partner can be too extreme.

⚠️ Venus in the 12th house: They don't know how to love in real life; they keep searching excuses to hide their emotions, especially love. They search affairs without realizing that it's not fair for them to downgrade their value.

⚠️ Lilith trine /conjunct rising: "the mother or the whore" these people are criticize for everything. Even the "purest" native is critize and called "fake". How they are and how they look are problems for society. People criticize their body or vibes. Self image is an issue that is difficult to heal for them.

⚠️ Saturn retrograde: Many lessons are hard to learn. Life keep throwing things in their way; these folks are just asking "why me?" And they are right. Life is hard. They need to pass the exam and leave the issues behind. But life don't give them too much time for that.

⚠️ Moon in Capricorn: feelings and emotions are another language to them. They are not bilingual; perhaps, they can learn but let's start with baby steps. Maybe, they will learn that crying is acceptable for them and others, before hitting 30.

⚠️ Venus in Virgo or Venus in Scorpio: Love is not a competition, game, test, or requirement for life. Love needs to be cultivated slowly, but these folks see love as an object; they jump without thinking. They fall into extremes: control is not love.

⛓Mercury in Libra: Imagine overthinking everything you say before you speak or after. These folks tend to feel anxiety 24/7. Libra is okay to fail.

⛓Mercury in the 3rd house: Mercury retrograde is really difficult for these people. Everything happens to them. Computer can stop working randomly. They phone just die or stop working properly. Their wifi stop working before sending the essay. The craziest thing can happen. They need to be prepared.

⛓Virgo moon: mom issues are a thing and that's why they cannot cry openly. Self worth issues are present in their life. You didn't have the fault, break this painful path.

⛓Scorpio moon: people see you as the villain, but you keep feeding their perception. Maybe, if you were less secretive and more open, people could see that you are hurting too.

⛓ Saturn/NN aspects: I'm painfully learning to be better; can this stop now? I don't want these lessons. I need to work on myself without feeling lost.

⛓ Cusp signs or close houses: who I am? I feel divided between two different energies. It takes time to recognize you can be in the middle. I'm just me. Imagine people saying isn't possible to coexist. I need to learn to balance my self.

⛓ Jupiter in Capricorn: why should I work so hard? Spending too much time working for a small moment of luck. Learning to be grateful is a talent.

Take care, mochis! 💚

[multidimensionalguidance]

Hello everyone!

I made this original post back in March in regards to assumptions I had of my solar return chart, and as promised, I'm back to confirming or adding any new insights that could help anyone that has a similar chart for an upcoming year.

My Libra ASC of this year was REALLY noticeable all year long. I was considerably more focused on beauty, self care, maintaining a harmonious behavior, and being more indecisive than what I'm used to. I was very hyper focused on relationships of all types this year, and was able to have meaningful insights of the dynamics within all of them. My SR ruler was in the 12th house and I kept myself pretty much hidden and isolated. I also traveled to foreign lands for several months to visit family.

My 2nd house stellium was also very loud as I was focused on themes related to family, values, money, resources, and the ruler being in a position of comfort (within its own sign) was able to provide me with additional income that made my life much easier. I was able to stablish properly into doing astrology readings and recognizing that my skills are very precious.

A lot of my daily communications were with my partner in that moment, clients, and foreigners in general. So, that Sagittarius 3rd house influence was there despite the house being empty. My home environment was very chaotic and my interaction with family was challenging, although it was necessary because we were able to become even closer. This is why it's important to never demonize any planet, even if its Pluto. His presence in my 4th house was felt strongly, but since I already have a lot of Pluto influence in my own natal chart I already knew to dig deep for gold rather than getting drown in the chaos.

The Moon-Saturn conjunction in my 5th house was SO real because the degree of depression and melancholy that I carried during this year was extremely overwhelming. Romance, creativity, and joy felt so difficult to grasp and my own thoughts felt debilitating. I truly feel and cry for those who have this conjunction in any house because the only way to overcome it is by simply accepting things as they are, and holding onto the smallest sources of joy to survive. I can say I matured a lot emotionally and was able to appreciate more moments were I could laugh out loud.

Rahu in my 6th house taught me a lot about the importance behind our daily routine, work, habits, co-workers, and health. I was able to stay very consistent with all of those topics after experiencing a horrible stomach issue, which I'm still keeping a track of. I also incorporated exercises and even bought a new plant! The ruler of this house was in my 7th house and my romantic relationship went through a lot obstacles. I also worked out with my partner back them and we both cut down unhealthy habits together.

Now, my 7th house was a whole rollercoaster ride during this year. The ruler (Mars) was opposed Uranus and guess what? I broke up with my partner and it was ugly (blocked and all). I probably should have paid more attention to Uranus being in my 7th house and Jupiter being retrograde. This combo on top of that opposition created a very turbulent situation for the both of us, but was that the end of it all? Nope. I ended up unblocking him and getting in contact again. I think it was mostly due to to Jupiter being rx making me re-evaluate my relationship and realizing I still wanted us to be in a good place, but only if we were both on the same page with understanding what broke us apart and avoiding those mistakes again.

The ruler of my 7th was in the 2nd and he was financially taking care of me, even if it was cooking meals (Taurus) and watching me eat happily. Overall, I'm really grateful for how everything developed and where we are at the moment.

Alright, I'll continue on the #2 part of my SR observations for the next houses. Thanks for reading <3

SR Chart in-depth Analysis Part 1 🗝️

I thought it would be a good idea to write down an interpretation of how my SR chart might develop during this year, forget about it, and then revisit it during and/or at the end of the year! A fun experiment for me, even though I can honestly say that I've already been seeing the way it has been activating.

Note: please keep in mind I use sidereal and whole house system.

Libra ASC: this was the first thing that stood out to me when I saw the chart. I was already feeling an "upcoming glow up" vibe, and confirming it was hilarious. Even though Libra and Venusians in general are not just about appearance, they value aesthetics A LOT. I've already received comments on how my skin is looking amazing, and overall, just a lot of attention from others being thrown towards my appearance. So, aside from that more obvious aspect, I would say that this rising sign makes one feel more keen to developing and/or creating relationships of all kinds, meaning, that it is expected to become a tad more social during this year. Romantic relationships, creativity, arts, a need to be more diplomatic or neutral, and communication with others will become themes I will engage with a lot.

To give dept to this house, I pay attention to the where Libra sits in my natal chart and where it goes on the SR chart, also, where the lord of the SR ASC sits (strength, aspects, etc.) in the chart.

Example: Libra sits in my 12th house, and becomes the rising sign for SR chart. This tells me that a lot of my subconscious patterns will become more noticeable, particularly for relationships, and that those matters that are usually hidden about me are now put on the spotlight. Now, it's very interesting that the lord of my SR ASC moves to the 12th house, so its like there will still be things that are still kept hidden. Knowing me, I will be content with spending time alone and/or in foreign places, so I don't mind. Venus is debilitated, and I'm assuming that keeping to myself will partly occur from difficulties with possible insecurities, being overly critical or focused on self reflecting. Themes of feeling unworthy, and healing it. A great amount of attention being placed towards looks could definitely make one feel uncomfortable or unsure of why you're receiving it so much, and if it has to do with superficial reasons it can makes you feel unseen, as if others ignore your depth.

Scorpio stellium 2nd house: a focus on transformations occuring around money, resources, values, face area, food or products consumed, luxury, comfort, sensuality, and romance. I would expect a highlight and plenty of motivation to pursue all of these topics, since the Sun sits there conjunct Mars. Scorpios move quietly and under the radar, so there will be lots of secrecy on how I will exercise my power/drive, and also on communications around how I'm making money or managing my finances. Money from others moving directly into my pockets from foreign matters, contracts, writing/communication (9H ruled by Mercury), networking, social media, creative pursuits, romantic partner (11H ruled by Sun), somehow losses that turn into gains, expenditure, spirituality, and foreign residence (12H ruled by Mercury). In general, major important upgrades to the way I relate to Venusian matters.

Sagittarius 3rd house: even if houses are empty in a natal or SR chart they still hold meaningful information, but will of course be felt less in comparison to the houses that have planets. I see that my mindset, near environment, and communication will be a lot about/with foreigners, spiritual topics, traveling, and philosophy. The ruler sits in the 7th house, so it will also be mixed with my romantic life (with a foreigner), business, contracts, and other type of close relationships.

Capricorn 4th house: I don't usually pay much attention to Pluto unless its close to ASC or inner planet (Sun, Moon, Venus) but I will now for the sake of giving more context. There could be a major change of residence occuring or renovations of some sort. Home environment could be a bit chaotic or under frequent changes. Part of Fortune also sits there, so all of those transformations might actually be aligned with blessings or for a better outcome. The ruler sits in the 5th house with the moon, so it will definitely make me feel anxious and emotionally restricted or numbed. Luckily, I've had enough experience with Saturnian energy, so I know how to work through it until I find balance.

Aquarius 5th house: as I already mentioned above, with Moon and Saturn conjunct here it is likely that I will be feeling as if my emotions are harder to access which could cause anxiety, creative blockages, frustrations, or depression. Definitely will incorporate lots of yoga, nature, and emotional regulating activities during this year to keep that on check.

Pisces 6th house: with Rahu sitting there, I could see that my attention will gravitate around how I incorporate work, daily routine, health, and exercise with spirituality, creative endeavors, and abstract thinking. I had already experience gut health issues and almost all of those topics shortly after my birthday, so I can see how wherever Rahu is placed in a SR chart, there is a lot of movement for good or worse. With the ruler of 6H going into the 5H, I could see how work and health matters could exacerbate my emotional challenges.

Aries 7th house: Jupiter is siting here, and even though it is retrograde, the functionality of the planet doesn't suddenly stop occuring. It makes Jupiter have a more inward expression if anything. There will most likely be expansion or growth of romantic suitors (specifically male, since its in Aries), contracts, business, relationships of all type of relationships being upgraded somehow, and in general lots of luck with interpersonal skills. Those with whom I develop close relationships will become like teacher, or enjoy providing protection to me. The ruler sits in the 2nd house conjunct with the Sun, so others will either expand my resources or simply have an influence in it. Since its with the sun, it should be beneficial or empowering.

Alllllriiiight, I shall stop here for now and release the 2nd part at another moment!

[aqualeo123]

Astro Notes

Synastry, Composite and Davison Edition

The synastry chart represents the chemistry between two individuals and composite is the relationship itself and how its perceived. In my personal opinion a good composite trumps difficult synastry as

how the energies manifest in synastry is totally dependent on ones individual chart.

And composite is somewhat a description of how the synastry contributes to the relationship.

Though synastry does show how difficult composite can be dealt with.

(my sun moon opposition is really showing lmao😩🙈)

While reading a synastry and composite chart most important are your dominant energies and aspects to those planets. Important and repeated themes in the relationship can be seen through common aspects in synastry and composite.

If you have a certain planetary energy prominent in your chart harsh aspects to that planet in composite would be easier to deal with.

For example I have very well aspected Pluto so when I see harsh aspects to Pluto in a composite or synastry it doesn't seem to affect me as negatively or have a huge impact as it might for another person.

Also, credits to @neptunianfae for giving me some insight on few aspects and overlays!! 💕

Synastry overlays

{based on whole sign system}

⭐ Moon in 8h synastry - OVERSHARING from the moment you meet especially on the 8h person's part! The 8h person feels like they can trust the moon person with everything, it's a very subconscious knowing.

☀️ moon in 3rd synastry is so beautiful and works so well in any relationship but i love seeing it in friendships!! the moon person would make 3rd house person feel so comfortable talking about how they feel and give them that validation they might need. they would literally never run out of things to talk about. The moon person sees the 3rd house person as extremely understanding and super fun too!

🌙 In 6h synastry the planet person will accept the house person in every way. They would accept every insecurity and every quirk. It can also make the planet person act nervous or be overly neurotic around the house person. The house person cares DEEPLY about the planet person. They LOVEE SPENDING TIME WITH EACHOTHER they type of couple that would just love to coexist... ✨Domestic bliss✨

⭐ Having someone's Venus/Jupiter in your 8h can make the planet person want to share their resources with you even if it's not something they'd do in general. They might even go out of their way to share things with you that they'd never share with anyone else. The sun person can also bring out 9h person's beliefs and make them think about it more. These 2 could also talk a lot about higher education and making plans together to just have fun.

☀️ Sun in 9h synastry can show two people who'd bond over their belief systems and things they have been taught to believe. They love having deep philosophical conversations.

🌙 mars in 6h synastry can make the mars person want to 'perform' well for the 6h person they can also be very nervous about it at first. The 6h person finds it extremely endearing🥺🥺

⭐ I love seeing MC aspects and overlays. It's honestly so charming and encouraging! The house person can seriously benefit from these. Having a lot of positive aspects to MC, angles conjunct MC and Pluto conjunct MC can make the house person really transform their identity in the world, can bring about necessary changes and an abundance of opportunities in the 10h person's life.

☀️ 1st house synastry can be so superficial if not backed up by water triplicity (4h, 8h and 12h) as the nature of water is to reflect and can be felt both ways. (Moon in 1h being an exception)

🌙 4h synastry is so precious the planet person changes your definition of home and it's sweet and comfortable. I call it comfortable silence overlay lmao.

Aspects in synastry and composite

⭐Venus square/ opposite saturn in synastry shows that venus PERCEIVES saturn to be cold and harsh but he need not be like that. Venus seems to take criticism coming from saturn more seriously than from anyone else. Here venus needs to learn to be less defensive and realise saturn only wants what's best for venus and saturn needs to learn to convey his concerns and criticism in a less judgemental and critical way.

This contact can also bring about a lot of anxiousness insecurities and fear of losing one another especially on Saturn's part. The saturn person has to be secure within themselves to keep the dynamic healthy as eventually saturn can get restrictive. This is where mercury comes in XD but I'll get to that in a bit.

Any planetary contact to saturn in synastry represents karma so harsh aspects to saturn can also indicate the two might find it difficult to come together as a couple due to external circumstances. Letting go here is extremely difficult as saturn is literally super glue.

{ As I have mentioned above our own natal charts have to be considered in this. An Aquarius/Capricorn moon/venus can handle saturn synastry comparatively better than any other sign as their ruler itself is saturn. Someone with Saturn's aspects to venus in natal chart would even find this synastry comfortable.}

☀️saturn opposite or square venus in composite though represents a theme of pining and not being able to give or be given the kind of affection one wants. both REALLY want it to work and give that affection but it just gets blocked or is difficult. In composite it's not about the relationship forming that is the issue but it's the meeting and spending time together which is scarce.

🌙 sun opposite/square saturn in composite can show difficulty in a relationship forming. Oppositions can show external influences not allowing them whereas squares can show conflict of interest. Sun conjunct saturn though do tend to come together as a couple but after a long period of time.

⭐ sun square/opposite saturn in synastry shows clashing of egos but also companionship and reliability. They both know they would always be there for eachother even though they might not always agree with eachother.

{ Queue my rant about mercury being underrated and Neptune being shat on 😤 }

A well aspected mercury is very important in both composite and synastry!!! Squares can only be handelled with patience and communication. it kinda sucks to not see mercury get the attention it deserves in synastry. i would take difficult saturn synastry over difficult mercury synastry ANYDAY. harmonious aspects to mercury make the other difficult aspects easier since you are COMMUNICATING YOUR ISSUES and the tension felt in the relationship. And square contacts specifically require conscious effort which isnt achievable without clear communication.

Neptune shows idealisation, illusion, deception etc but it's also dreaminess, mercy and compassion and you NEED a certain amount of idealisation and a LOT of forgiveness to make any relationship work. The only thing in MY opinion that can mellow down Saturn's harshness is Neptune's compassion and mercury's wit.

☀️ Moon and venus shows your needs and wants (moon- needs, venus - wants) so having both the planets well aspected can show both your needs and wants being met.

🌙 The house/house cusp your composite chart ruler falls in shows under what circumstances or setting the two people met.

1st house ruler in 4h gemini almost in the 5h and 12h aquarius - met at a small house party in the neighborhood invited by friends with alcohol/substances involved XD

⭐ Moon mercury and moon moon synastry is so wholesome!! Mercury person can't shut up around the moon person 😂 and moon moon is just so easy and relaxed where you just know the other person gets you.

☀️ Pisces rising in composite is the couple that EVERYONE WAS ROOTING FOR LMAO 

🌙sun in virgo in composite chart can show putting in a lot of work and being very patient to make the relationship work or to come together.

⭐ with a lot of 12th house emphasis in synastry and composite you can see that the two individuals have an unbreakable bond they love to be around eachother and when they are together its like no one exists🥺 a lot of spiritual conversations here too!!

🌙 saturn aspects are extremely important with uranus aspects in Composite to ground round a relationship and for longevity. honestly, such a boon with uranian aspects. And Uranus aspects add electricity and fun to saturn's rigidity.

⭐chiron in 7th in davison chart could mean that the relationship itself becomes the wound after some time. or that one could be in the relationship to heal past relationship wounds.

☀️ Also natal planets in aspect or CONJUNCT to composite aspects show what part of the relationship affects you and how. Having both people's natal conjunct planets in the composite shows that the relationship will be important to both the people.

🌙 saturn in 7h of composite is a common aspect seen in familial relationships.

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE AT LEAST A LITTLE ACTIVE AT LAST OMG🙈🙈 I HOPE YOU ALL LIKE IT!!! 💕💕

[anonymousfiction211]

Handcuffed together

Summary: Loki and you hate each other, but are both part of the Avengers. They are fed up with you two fighitng all the time and hancuff you together, so you can learn to tolerate each other.  Word count: 3.132 words Warnings: Smut, dubious consent (it is consentual, but not specificly said), angry Loki, degrading  A/N: Based on a idea from @the-best-phineas. Hope you like it! If anyone has an idea, or suggestion just let me know :)

Click here for chapter 2 Click here for chapter 3

With a loud click the handcuff around your wrist closed. You immediately tried to unlock the cuff, but it wouldn’t give. “Like that would work” Loki commented. You gave him a glare but turned your attention back to Tony. “Seriously, this is not necessary. Give us another chance” you begged him. “Look, we are all sick of the two of you constant fighting, it is effecting the team and the missions we’re on. And all that magic-crap makes everything worse. So, until the two of you can tolerate each other you’re cuffed together. And you’re both not allowed on missions before you finish this one” You sighed heavily but knew that arguing more was futile.

“I must say, you’re taking this better than I thought you would” Tony said to Loki. “Escaping handcuffs isn’t that difficult, Stark” Loki replied. Tony secured the cuff on Loki’s wrist. He then walked hastily to the door. “Oh, one more thing. These handcuffs are designed so you can’t use your powers” Tony said and quickly exit the room. Loki immediately tried to escape his cuff with magic, but nothing was happening. You tried as well, but got the same result, nothing. You met his eyes, which were full of anger. “I thought escaping from handcuffs wasn’t that difficult” you said sarcastically. Loki didn’t break eye contact. The anger was radiating off him, you swore you could physically feel it. He didn’t say anything but turned around and walked away. When you didn’t move he yanked at his side of the cuffs and you were forced to take a few steps in his direction. “What the… LOKI..” you started angrily, but he didn’t react. He kept walking while ignoring you. Right now, you had no other choice than to follow him, trying to keep up.

He pushed his bedroom door open with so much force, you thought it would break. He walked towards his bookcase and was taking out different books, flipping through them. You had enough and yanked at the handcuffs, making the book in his hand fall on the ground. “STOP. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING” you yelled at him. He gave you his angriest look, the one he said he reserved specially for you, because he never met anyone who was as stupid and annoying as you were. And that included his oaf of a brother. “I am finding a way to free myself from you” he spat. “So, just stand there and try not to get in the way” he turned his attention back to the bookcase. “You can’t just walk away and drag me along” you grumbled. “Apparently I can” he said with a sly small on his face. You yanked at the cuffs again, making Loki drop his book again. He turned to face you, grabbed your throat with the cuffed hand and pushed you hard against the wall behind you. Your scream was cut off by his other hand covering your mouth. He wasn’t chocking you, but the tightness off his grip wasn’t comfortable enough for you to relax. Your whole body felt like it was on fire, which was weird. It shouldn’t.

He pulled his hand away from your mouth after standing there for what felt like eternity. “Look, I’m much stronger than you are. So, I’m going to find a way to free myself. The only thing you have to do is staying out of my way” he growled. He let go of your throat, but still stood extremely close to you. “Yeah, this whole act doesn’t scare me” your voice hoarser than you would have liked. Loki chuckled “Look, when you had your powers you had some sort of defense, even tough it was weak. Without your powers.. you don’t stand a chance against me” You slapped him hard across his face. His face turned sideways, but his cheek didn’t show any red mark. He slowly turned his head to face you, giving you a wicked smile that sends chills trough your body. He didn’t say anything, just stared at you. But both of you knew, you had just proofed his point.

The rest of the morning you two sat on his bed. Loki was busy reading different books and he sometimes grumbled in annoyance. You were playing a game on your phone, trying to ignore him. Loki snaped his book shut and threw it across the room. You looked up from your phone “I assume the search is not going well then?” you couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at his frustration. “Just shut up, it’s not like you are any useful” he replied. He sighed and laid down on his bed. His put his cuffed hand on his chest, which meant that your hand also touched his chest. When he felt your hand, he puts his hand down beside him, pretending it didn’t happen. “We could pretend to like each other for this afternoon, and we surely will be free before dinner” you said. Loki didn’t reply. He sighed heavily “Fine” he muttered. He got up from the bed, which mean that you had to crawl to his side to get up as well. When it took to long he grabbed your arm and pulled you to your feet in front of him. Not anticipating this move, you stumbled and fell into his chest. His free hand immediately grabbed you by your hip to steady you. A weird feeling was spreading from your hip through your body, you couldn’t quite place it. When he dropped his hand you still felt his touch. “Shall we?” he said. You nodded and followed him towards the living room. But there was no one there. Loki walked towards the kitchen, with you close behind him. There was a note on the kitchen table.

Loki and (Y/N), The team had to leave for a mission. We will be back in two days. Don’t kill each other. - Natasha

Loki crumbled up the piece of paper and threw it through the kitchen. “Great, just great. Two day stuck with you” he said angrily. “Lucky me, two days in the presence of a god” you replied with as much sarcasm as you could. Loki gave you an angry glare, which you ignored. He stormed out of the kitchen, yet again dragging you along. After a few steps you yanked at the cuffs and halted in your track. “Look, we both want nothing more than the be free of each other. But we’re at least stuck with each other for two day, so how about some rules?” you started. Loki didn’t say anything but nodded.

“First, discussing where we are going, no more dragging me along and doing whatever you want” you started.

“No talking unless absolutely necessary” Loki replied.

“No more threats, or throat grabbing”

“No more punching”

“How about no touching of any form?” you said.

“Fine by me. Also, no more singing. You are really bad at it”

“No more insulting me!!” you half yelled

“Don’t make insulting you so easy then!”

There was a long silence. “We sleep in my room” Loki said. “IF you behave this day, I MIGHT consider letting you sleep in the bed” you rolled your eyes at that comment. “I accept that we sleep in your room, but only IF I sleep in the bed too. Otherwise, we sleep in my room” you said. He smirked “If you weren’t so insufferable I might even enjoy this little negotiation” You couldn’t help but smile at his comment “same for me” you replied.

The rest of the afternoon went by rather peacefully. Loki was reading books and you were watching a series on tv. There was one awkward moment when you had to use the toilet, but you had to admit that Loki did his best to give you all the privacy you needed. So, you did the same when he had to go. Your stomach started to rumble, you were getting hungry. “Shall we order food?” you asked Loki. After a very long discussion you both finally agreed on Chinese food. In hindsight it wasn’t the best idea to eat Chinese food when you only have one hand. During dinner, your hands sometimes touched each other, by accident. But every time you felt his hand against yours spark like electricity shot through your body. You suddenly forgot how to breathe and didn’t know where this was coming from. You were hoping Loki didn’t notice and try to ignore the feeling.

After dinner things basically stayed the same. You put on a movie and halfway through Loki decided to watch it too. But none of you said a word to each other. After the movie you were getting tired. “Can we go to bed?” you asked. Loki nodded and the two of you walked to his bedroom. That was when things got a little awkward. You both turned your back towards each other when the other undressed. Loki had pulled down his pants and his shirt, which was now hanging on the chain of the cuffs. You were currently undressing yourself, getting rid of your own pants and pulling your T-shirt over your head, hanging it next to Loki’s on the chain. You currently were in a bra and thong, mentally slapping yourself for not thinking this through this morning. Worst off all was that it was in dark green, which was a colour you wore often before Loki joined the team. When Loki turned around you saw his eyes roam your body, suddenly you felt extremely exposed. You noticed that Loki was more muscular than you thought, if he were any other man on the planet you would have thought his body was attractive. You cleared your throat, snapping Loki’s eyes to meet yours. If you didn’t know any better you thought you saw a slight blush on his cheeks.

He walked towards his doors and turned down the light. His room was completely dark, and you couldn’t see a thing anymore. You heard Loki walk and felt your hand pulled towards his direction. You were hesitant to move, not wanting to trip or bump into something. “Why are you not moving?” Loki asked annoyed. “I- I can’t see a thing” you replied. Loki walked closer to you, his free arm grabbed your shoulder, and he took your cuffed hand with his. You flinched from the sudden touch, not expecting it. “Relax, I’m not going to hurt you” he said. “I know, you just startled me” you replied. He guided you towards his bed and let you get in first. “Thanks” you whispered. “Just go to sleep” he replied. But sleep did not come easily. It was difficult to find a comfortable position, because of the handcuffs. But somehow you managed.

The light shining through the curtains woke you up. Loki was still fast asleep, he looked peaceful. He was laying on his side, facing you with his free hand underneath his head. His cuffed hand was on top of yours. You slowly moved your hand from underneath his. His eyes snapped open, and he looked at you. You were both silent. He cleared his throat “Breakfast?” he asked, you nodded. You both decided it was a good idea to make pancakes. However, cooking with handcuffs on was more difficult than anticipated. Especially since Loki wasn’t much of a cook. You got frustrated and told him to just get out of your way. You finally had the batter how you wanted and picked up the bowl to bring it near the stove. Loki, wanting to get out of your way, choose the wrong direction making the two of you bump into each other. You lost your grip on the bowl and it fell on the ground.

“Seriously?!” you asked angrily. “It’s not my fault you don’t watch where you’re going” Loki replied equally angry. “Why are you incapable of just admitting you’re not perfect and say sorry?”

“Why do you always look to me when someone has to take blame for your actions?” he spat back.

“You are the most insufferable person I’ve ever met!”

“God” Loki corrected.

“What?”

“I’m not a person, I’m a God!”

“Some God you are, you can’t free yourself, you can’t even make your own pancakes” you replied sarcastically.

“I suggest you chose your next words very carefully” he warned you.

You being you, decided to ignore the warning. “You might think yourself a God, but you are the only one who does” you said, knowing it would get some sort of reaction out of him. Loki used to cuffs to spin you around, your back against his chest. His cuffed arm was around your throat and his free hand around your stomach, holding you in place. “If you don’t shut up know, I make you” he whispered in your ear with a dangerous tone in his voice. Your whole body felt on fire, yet again. Before you knew that you did it, you pressed your ass against his groin. “Oh, you like this don’t you?” he purred in your ear. “Shut up and let me go” you said, trying to squirm out his grip. “No, you want this” he said.

“I don’t” you replied.

“That’s a lie”

“Like you would know. You may have the title God of Lies, but like we established... you’re no God” you laughed.

“I don’t need to be the God of Lies to know. You heart rate is up, your pupils yesterday dilated when you saw me shirtless, and your voice is higher. And the best thing is, your needy body betrays you” he laughed back.

You had enough. You kicked the back of your foot against his shin, but Loki didn’t even flinch. “Bad choice, kitten” he said. Without warning his teeth sunk into your neck. Instead of making your scream it made you moan louder than you would have liked. His hand on your stomach travelled downwards, going straight for your core. He cupped your heat with his hand and one of his fingers strokes between your folds. Revealing that you indeed were turned on, and already extremely wet. “Hmm.. such a needy slut you are” he hummed. You wanted to protest, you should protest, but alle words had escaped you. Your breathe was ragged and you knew you what was going to happen.

Loki spun you around, pushing your upper body on the kitchen counter. He held his cuffed hand in your hair, forcing your hand behind your back and your head down. You tried to squirm away, but Loki wouldn’t budge. “We both know you can’t escape and we both know you don’t want to. So now I’m going to fuck you, maybe you think twice next time you talk to me like that” he growled. His free hand hovered over the buttons of your pants and in one smooth motion he opened them. He pulled your pants down, caressing your butt. Goosebumps were starting to form, and you felt yourself grow wetter from his touch. Loki had freed his erection through his zipper, still wearing his pants. He stroked his shaft up and down your slid. Slightly dipping through your folds, coating himself in your wetness.

Without warning he thrusted inside of you, making you cry out in pleasure. He started thrusting in and almost out of you in a very quick pace. His cock filled you up completely, even reaching your g-spot when he was fully inside of you. You started to rock your hips, meeting his pace. “That’s it, good girl” he praised you. It made you blush and clench your walls around his cock. He left darkly at your reaction. You felt your orgasm starting to build up inside of you. Loki’s animalistic way of fucking you was becoming too much. Right before you reached your high you moaned out loud “Oh my God” Loki stilted deep inside of you. “What did you say, darling?” he mused. “I- .. just keep going” you replied, hoping he would let you come undone. He leaned his upper body over yours, his lips right by your ear. “Just repeat it, if you want to come of course” he purred. You didn’t respond and thought about giving up your climax. Loki slowly moved pulled out and back inside of you. He knew you were close and was using that against you at the moment. “What’s wrong, kitten? Usually you’re so talkative” he chuckled. He was keeping his slow pace, keeping you on the edge but not pushing you over it.

You groaned in frustration. “Fine, I said oh my God” you said annoyed. Loki picked his pace up slightly, but nowhere near how fast you needed him. “So, you do admit that I’m a God?” even tough you couldn’t see his face, you just knew he had his signature smirk on his face. “Yes” you said to gritted teeth. Loki just laughed “Now, was that so difficult?” before you could answer he was thrusting at a fast pace. To your surprise Loki himself was starting to moan slightly, muttering things under his breath about how tight you were and how good you feel around his cock. It didn’t take long before you reached your climax. When you reached your high you couldn’t help but cry out “Oh my God Loki” adding fuel to his thrusts. He came right after you.

He collapsed on top of you, leaving feather light kisses on your neck. He pulled out of you and handed you a kitchen towel to clean yourself up. You pulled up your underwear and pants, not being able to look Loki in his eyes. You grabbed another bowl and started on a new pancake batter. Loki stood right behind you, hands on either side of you. He was nuzzling his head in the crook of your neck. “If I knew this would shut you up, I would’ve done it much sooner” he mused. “That was a one-time thing, don’t get any ideas. I still hate you” you replied. “Oh no, new rule. Every time you anger me, I’m going to fuck you like the slut you are” You knew it shouldn’t, but you felt yourself get excited again. “It’s only for a day and a half, so I just won’t make you angry” you replied dryly. Loki laughed “Kitten, even if we’re free from these cuffs I am still going to fuck you. You laid with a God and now you’re mine” You scoffed “That’s not how it works” Loki pulled you closer against his chest and cupped your breast with his free hand. He chuckled when you gasped and closed your eyes. “It is. By the time, the team is back, you will worship me like you should”

Click here for chapter 2

[robininthelabyrinth]

Prompt: someone of the (good-ish) mdzs cast is a serial killer. Why? Who else knows? Could be modern au, could be canon verse

Serial Killer - ao3

“So what are you going to do about it, Xichen?” Jin Guangyao heard Nie Mingjue demanding, and paused, tilting his head to the side to listen rather than proceeding to enter the room.

Nie Mingjue had gotten increasingly irascible as of late, no doubt in large part to the growing influence of the Song of Turmoil that he’d been playing for him, and much of his ire was (correctly, although unknowingly) aimed at Jin Guangyao. Most of the time, given Nie Mingjue’s straightforward nature, it was directly aimed at him, rather than through an indirect method, such as trying to convince Lan Xichen to turn away from him – and yet that was a method that Jin Guangyao was far more concerned about, given that Nie Mingjue had the benefit of a very old friendship with Lan Xichen that could be used to his benefit, if only he were a little less blockheaded about manipulating people.

Jin Guangyao absolutely refused to lose Lan Xichen, delighting as he did in the man’s faith and trust and benefiting from his influence and repeated interventions on his behalf; as a result, he would treat any such attempts by Nie Mingjue to drive a wedge between them very seriously. It therefore would be better to stay outside and listen, to figure out what argument Nie Mingjue was using and design appropriate countermeasures – to convince Lan Xichen that Nie Mingjue was, as usual, making a fuss when there was no reason, and that it was safe to simply ignore him or downplay his concerns.

Lan Xichen would believe him, as he always did, and never realize that he was helping push Nie Mingjue along the road to ruin – or indeed realize that he was pivotal to Jin Guangyao’s plan. Without Lan Xichen to support Jin Guangyao and make Nie Mingjue mistrust his own instincts, it would be much harder to isolate him from the few people he was willing to turn to for help, subtly influencing him not to believe his own symptoms, to doubt himself…to not realize what Jin Guangyao was doing to him.

“Da-ge…”

“Don’t da-ge me! He’s killing people!”

Jin Guangyao tensed.

How had Nie Mingjue discovered that?

Jin Guangyao had taken every precaution, going to great lengths to misdirect attention and cover up those deaths, whether it be the clans he’d fed into Xue Yang’s noxious experiments or else the ones he’d just had quietly executed somewhere no one would notice because they represented a threat to the rising power of the Jin sect. He’d known, of course, that he’d be held responsible for those deaths if anyone ever found out, there was no doubt that he would scapegoated by his father in that case, but he knew that it was especially dangerous to him if the person who discovered the truth was Nie Mingjue. Sure, he had his excuses ready in the event that Lan Xichen ever heard about it and found some evidence – he had a plan: to first deny convincingly, and then if that didn’t work, deny increasingly unconvincingly, and finally ‘give in’ and confess that he’d been driven to it by his father, that he’d been under duress, the sort of thing that Lan Xichen would happily swallow rather than believe that he’d been so fundamentally mistaken about Jin Guangyao.

Nie Mingjue, though – he’d been concerned that if Nie Mingjue ever found out about it, even the rumor of it without any evidence, he wouldn’t bother waiting for Jin Guangyao to explain or to blame his father. No, that brute would rather just take his saber and come and execute him on the steps of Jinlin Tower, if that was what it took to satisfy justice in his own mind, and never mind the consequences or costs. That Nie Mingjue would likely commit an honorable suicide thereafter for having misjudged and then executed his sworn brother was not, in fact, anywhere near as comforting as Nie Mingjue might think it was.

If anything, Nie Mingjue going to Lan Xichen with his concerns first was highly unexpected.

Jin Guangyao hated the unexpected.

“Da-ge, please, calm down,” Lan Xichen said, and his voice was – oddly calm, really. Jin Guangyao would have expected him to be a little more agitated, a little more demanding for details…was Lan Xichen’s faith in him really so strong? “Think this through before you do anything rash.”

“Rash!” Nie Mingjue fumed. “Rash..! Xichen, really.”

“You know he’s a good person,” Lan Xichen insisted, and Jin Guangyao smiled. “He has always meant well, strived to do good, regardless of whether it was commonly accepted – even you have to admit it.”

“I don’t have to admit anything,” Nie Mingjue grumbled, but Jin Guangyao could hear the rage dying down to something more of a simmer, rather than a roaring boil. Truly only Lan Xichen had such remarkable abilities, soothing the fierce beast with nothing but his presence and voice, no magic songs required – even Jin Guangyao found himself soothed by his presence.

There was a reason he wouldn’t give him up.

“You’ve known him for years, da-ge,” Lan Xichen said, voice soft, convincing, persuasive. Jin Guangyao didn’t have to be inside the room to imagine the scene he would see: Lan Xichen would be leaning forward, the slightest curve adding softness to the rigid posture required of Lan sect disciples, his eyes curved in a smile, his head a little dropped so that he could look up at Nie Mingjue with an expression of cheerfulness livened by a touch of mischief – full of charm, the way the women in the brothel practiced all day to do, but superior to any of their petty tricks. Lan Xichen was pure as a breath of fresh air in the lonely mountaintop, a benevolent god above the concerns of the world and yet determined to reach out his hands down to the needy – truly it was no wonder that Jin Guangyao was determined to take all that benevolence and joy and keep it all to himself. “For years, da-ge. And more than that, you know how hard he’s had it – how hard things have been, how much he’s suffered, all those things that other people don’t understand. You know that even when he’s strayed and been confused, he’s always returned back to the right way of doing things in the end.”

Nie Mingjue sighed, a great exhalation of breath.

“I suppose you’re right,” he conceded, and Jin Guangyao felt the sharp taste of joy on his tongue – there were few feelings in the world so great as this, to have started with nothing and risen so far, to have so thoroughly deceived these men, even Nie Mingjue who ought to know better after having seen him. “And yet, I can’t help but worry – this doesn’t seem like the rest of it. Isn’t he going too far this time?”

“Da-ge, if you have concerns, why not raise them with him directly?” Lan Xichen suggested, and Jin Guangyao nodded in approval. If Nie Mingjue came to him first with any concerns, he would be able to devise the appropriate response to those concerns – whether it was through coming up with some method of assuaging the concerns or in preemptively eliminated whoever had raised them, that was his business. Either way, it would be much easier to take action when he had prior warning, whereas some sort of unexpected public confrontation would be much more difficult to deal with.

“I don’t know, Xichen. You know he doesn’t listen to me.”

“That’s not true! Your opinion means so much to him – he’s always admired you, looked up to you. He wants you to approve of him.”

That was nonsense, of course. Jin Guangyao hadn’t cared one whit for Nie Mingjue’s opinion of him since the day the man had lost his usefulness – the Nie sect had been a necessary hurdle for him, the only Great Sect that allowed for promotion purely on the basis of merit without a thousand and one other rules, and Nie Mingjue himself was known to promote men quickly if they had skills he could use. Jin Guangyao had needed that back then, when he’d had nothing, and he’d been able to parlay it into additional use in the future: first, by getting Nie Mingjue’s recommendation letter to enter the Jin sect troops, although that hadn’t ended up working out, and then later, by using it to leverage himself a position with the Wen sect, courtesy of Wen Ruohan’s strange fixation on the Nie sect leader.

Would he like Nie Mingjue’s good opinion? Certainly, especially after he’d traded his somewhat dubious claim to a life-debt for Nie Mingjue swearing brotherhood with him; it would be extremely helpful if Nie Mingjue would support him the way Lan Xichen did. But since it didn’t seem likely that he’d be able to get on Nie Mingjue’s good side again, there was no point in expecting anything further from the man.

Well, no, that was wrong. He also expected great things from Nie Mingjue’s upcoming death, which would tally in quite nicely with many of his plans for domination in the cultivation world.

“I’d like to approve of him,” Nie Mingjue said. “I really would, Xichen, you know that. He’s smart and he’s capable and he has so much potential for goodness – I greatly admire him, really, I do. I would even go so far as to say that there are things for which I would trust his word over the evidence of my own eyes.”

Jin Guangyao couldn’t help but preen a little.

What an idiot, he thought, smiling. Truly there was nothing in that man’s brain but saber, and everything else had long ago rotted away – the Song of Turmoil boiling him alive until he was pickled with rage, leaving nothing else behind. Certainly not any critical thinking skills.

That final qi deviation must not be far away, now.

“But at the same time,” Nie Mingjue continued, presumably that last bit of self-preservation instinct trying to ring the alarms. “At the same time, I really do think that this is different in kind. It’s literally murder, Xichen. He’s murdering people. Not just killing, the way you do in wartime – actual murder. Premeditated, pre-planned murder. How can you just look away from that?”

Lan Xichen was quiet for a long moment, and Jin Guangyao tensed a little, his head tilting towards the door, awaiting the answer with both anticipation and fear.

“I think it’s a little more complicated than that,” he finally said, and Jin Guangyao’s eyebrows arched a little in surprise and wholly unanticipated pleasure. “It’s not just his actions that I look at, but those that died, too – we killed many people during the war, da-ge, didn’t we? Not all of whom had done evil against us, but who had to go because of the evil they represented…”

“Xichen!” Nie Mingjue cried, and for once Jin Guangyao couldn’t help but side with his reaction, his shock. “Are you suggesting that the victims deserved it?”

“Is that really so hard to believe?” Lan Xichen asked. Jin Guangyao had to admit that he was deeply impressed – he wouldn’t have thought Lan Xichen, the perfect gentleman, would have had it in him to side with him quite so deeply as that. “I’m with you, Mingjue-xiong. I’d believe him over even myself in just about every case – every time I’ve questioned what he was doing, he explained, and when he explained, I understood. It isn’t as black and white as all that.”

“I mean…I guess,” Nie Mingjue said, still sounding shocked and a little appalled. “But murder – so many murders…Xichen, are you sure it’s not some sort of qi deviation, something that gives him pleasure in taking lives? Are you sure each one is justified?”

“Those are two separate questions,” Lan Xichen said delicately. “I do think he takes pleasure in the act, and although I don’t understand it myself, I can understand that it helps him deal with…everything, really. Everything that’s happened to him. The tragedy, the senselessness of it…maybe it helps him feel better about it, helps comfort him. Maybe it’s some sort of sense that he’s evening the scales, perhaps? Some overall karmic balance?”

Jin Guangyao nodded along. He could certainly see Lan Xichen talking himself into believing something like that, and who knew? Maybe it was even a little true. He certainly enjoyed taking out the trash that had seen itself as above him, enjoyed stamping their lives into the mud – he wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t a necessity, a part of his power play, and he wouldn’t have described himself as taking pleasure in it, but at the same time, he certainly didn’t regret any of it. If it made Lan Xichen feel better to think that he had some sort of complex psychology driving his actions, well, so be it.

As long as he continued to support him.

“But as for whether it’s justified…” Lan Xichen sighed. “I’m not perfect at telling good from evil, Mingjue-xiong, and neither are you. No one is. Wouldn’t you agree?”

Nie Mingjue grunted. It almost sounded as if he really were agreeing.

Was Lan Xichen really convincing Nie Mingjue that Jin Guangyao ought to be allowed to murder people with impunity as long as he came up with a good enough reason for it in advance? How delightful.

Jin Guangyao couldn’t help but wonder – although he’d never actually take the risk of it – whether he could convince Lan Xichen that Nie Mingjue’s death, too, had been justified. It was an amusing enough thought to make him genuinely smile, a smile full of all the bloodthirstiness he normally kept hidden deep down: truly, if he had his choice in the matter, he’d love to see Nie Mingjue’s expression if he ever found out what Jin Guangyao was doing to him, ideally once it was too late for him to do anything about it or alert anyone to what was happening.

Maybe, if Jin Guangyao could arrange to be there to push him over the edge, he might even get to see it.

Maybe he’d even remind him of this little conversation, and ask if he found his own murder justified.

“All right, then,” Nie Mingjue finally said, exhaling slowly, and Jin Guangyao bit his lips to keep from laughing out loud. “I see what you mean, and…yes, I suppose you’re right, Xichen. I may not understand all the motives behind the murders, and I may not like the idea of just – trusting that he knows what he’s doing in killing them, but at the same time…”

He sighed.

“At the same time, I can’t disagree that if there’s one person I trust to have a good reason to kill someone in some deserted place for their undiscovered wrongdoings, it would be Wangji.”

Jin Guangyao’s smile faded away.

Lan Wangji?

What in the world were they talking about? How had Lan Wangji entered into it?

It wasn’t as if Lan Wangji were going around randomly killing people for, what, sport – killing them, and then justifying their deaths as having been deserved because they had supposedly done bad things –

A hand fell on Jin Guangyao’s shoulder, and he jumped a little, surprised: he hadn’t realized that anyone else was there with him in the deserted hallway or seen them come up behind him, much less close enough to touch.

He turned around: it was Lan Wangji himself, pale-faced and miserable the way he’d looked since the Massacre at the Nightless City, since he’d missed the Siege of the Burial Mounds on account of being confined – miserable, but upright, hale and hearty and righteous as always, his eyes bright with passion that verged on obsession.

He had his sword in his hand.

It was unsheathed.

“Wait,” Jin Guangyao said, taking a step back, his eyes going wide as he realized something. Surely he didn’t mean to – surely they hadn’t really meant – surely not – “Wait, Wangji, don’t..!”