#I become a more watered down version of myself every single day

[thehealingsystem]

holy shit I'm just gonna cry. I hate this I hate this. I can't fucking breathe for once in my life. my mom berates me calling my attraction a sin, says god condemns us after I lose the most important person in my life, have to hide my relationships and hide my grief after they fail, get sexually harassed by boys looking to get with me solely because I'm a lesbian, get bullied and later stalked, and then be constantly yelled at on the internet by people for YEARS because I dare to be both a boy and a girl. I've never been treated more like shit for being lesbian than I have anything else and if I even dare defend myself I'm treated as violent and aggressive. called fucking slurs. and it's not even like it's because I'm more confrontational, even when I just ignored people I would still get yelled at and told to kill myself just the same. god I hate you people so much. you are all so deeply lesbophobic

[strawhbrrries]

Invisible String.

pairing: older brother's best friend!frank castle x reader

summary: all along there was some invisible string tying you to frank castle.

warnings: none, just lots of sweetness!!!

word count: 1267 words

author’s note: this version of frank is so ken from barbie where it's like "ken's day was good as long as barbie looked at him" and i love it, listen to invisible string by taylor swift to get the full experience.

Were there clues I didn’t see?

Frank’s eyes scanned your face, watching the way your nose scrunched when you laughed so hard it was silent and water was streaming down your face and the campfire in front of you warmed your face. He’d spent every single day since the two of you had met admiring you, watching your heart get broken from every guy you brought home, being the shoulder you could count on when all of your friends inevitability flaked out.  He could count all the times he tried to express his feelings on one hand, backing out at the last moment each and every time.

“What are you staring at? Weirdo.” You teased, scrunching your nose in the very way he found irresistible, making a face at him and turning back to the rest of your friend group. 

You loved Frank, more than any friend should love their best friend. You’d lost count of how many nights you’d spent crying to your mom over the phone, wondering why he just didn’t like you back and asking what you did to deserve this torture from the universe.

“Nothing.” He smiled back, catching the eye of your friend across the fire, taking a sip of the beer in his hand. He never tried to hide his affection for you, never tried to make it a secret to anyone but you, he was fully aware that everyone around the two of you was most likely aware of the crush he had on you.

Were there clues I didn’t see?

Frank was your, slightly, older brother’s best friend. He’d been around for as long as you could remember, in almost every photograph there was of you or your brother since your mom started printing photos out. But he never had that older brother feel that a lot of your brother’s friends had, it wasn’t that he was unreliable or careless. He was the opposite. He cared more than any of your brother’s friends normally did. Sure, they’d come to your rescue if a boy hurt you or if you needed a ride somewhere or if you just needed a pick me up.

Frank was different. He cared. If the boys were going out to dinner he almost always picked up something for you on the way back, the only times he didn’t was in respect for the girl he was seeing at the time. He’d slip a twenty in the pocket of the jacket you always wore if he knew you needed some extra money, or if he knew you needed cheering up. Even if he didn’t have a job he always did it, and he never regretted it. To him, what he thought was, unrequited love wasn’t an issue. He’d cross every ocean and move every mountain and act like it was the easiest thing to do, all just to get a hint of a smile aimed towards him.

Frank was only two years older than you, well technically two years and one day, and he’d never let you forget it. He’d tell you to respect your elders and you’d shoot back that he was definitely an elder and that you could see the gray hairs coming in. The day you were born your mom told his that you two were destined for each other, she swore she could tell just by the way the two year old held your fraile, hours old body. His mom would tell you on every birthday you were just one more year closer to becoming a Castle girl, telling you how you’d make the prettiest one too. You always rolled your eyes and thanked her for whatever she had gotten you that year.

Were there clues I didn’t see?

“Your mom keeps lecturing me on how to treat women, she acts like I’m whoring myself out like your brother is.” He rolled his eyes, washing the dishes in the sink. None of which were his, considering he was in your house at midnight doing the chores you’d been putting off for awhile.

“She just cares, Frankie.” You mumbled back, legs swinging as they hung off the counter next to the sink, watching him scrub at the residue left on a pan you should’ve definitely cleaned the same day you used it. 

You’d graduated college a few months ago, gotten the job of your dreams and yet felt so unfulfilled. You knew why. He was standing in your kitchen complaining about your mom, dish towel swung over his shoulder and shaggy hair pulled back by a headband you demanded he put on before he got stuff in his hair. Ever since you’d moved to this apartment he’d been over pretty much everyday, it felt odd without his presence in the house, it felt lonely without him. 

“I tell her every time, I only want one woman.” He responded, catching your eye as he took the towel off his shoulder to dry the dish he just washed.

“So tell the girl, there’s no use telling me about it if you haven’t told her.” Your heart felt heavy, no matter how many times he’d tried to hint at you that he was in love with you it just never clicked, it might as well had come out of your ass and slid across the floor with a giant sign proclaiming your love for him.

“It’s you.”

Isn’t it just so pretty to think…

“Mom it’s just an anniversary, there really isn’t a need to bring the whole family here. It’s just dinner.” You explained, not knowing she knew more than you.

The ring was in his pocket, lighting it on fire, burning a hole right through the fabric. Frank’s mind couldn’t comprehend that this was happening, it was really happening, after years of pining after you he was going to propose. 

All along there was some…

The day had finally come, you’d worked your ass off to get everything perfect and exactly the way you wanted it to be. Teenage you couldn’t believe you were standing here, actually about to become a Castle girl. You weren’t sure how both moms knew it was destined to be but you were glad they did, there wasn’t anyone else in the entire world you’d rather be doing this with. 

“I can still remember the first time your mom told me I was destined to be a Castle girl, I had rolled my eyes and scoffed like that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. Why on earth would I want to marry my brother’s best friend? That seemed like torture. As the years went by it became something I couldn’t help but dream about, wondering how our relationship would come to be and if you had the intricate proposal I wanted down to the finest details. Every time you brought a girlfriend around, I hated you. Not really, but as much as a teenager full of angst and the world's largest crush on her brother’s best friend could muster. Then you matured, stopped bringing girls around and paid more attention to me. But you never made a move, I thought I was destined to be the little sister forever. But then, that one night in my kitchen you were complaining about how my mom kept lecturing you about how to treat women and you confessed your feelings. Stopped washing my dishes and gave me a kiss, it was surreal. Comparable to the ending of a coming-of-age movie. You’ve been around my whole life, Frankie, and all along there was some invisible string tying you to me.”

[tipofthemountain]

i just wanted you

the original post!

tags: simon “ghost” riley x gn! reader, lots (and i mean lots) of angst, cursing, let me know if I missed anything!

word count: 1.27k

summary: It’s not always easy being with someone who never lets you in side their head.

a/n: this is the alternative ending to i just want you! i actually like this version better teehee. you don’t have to read the original! this can be read as a stand-alone! if you want however, you can read the original to spot the changes! happy reading!

NOT EDITED

༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻

It always seems to rain in movies when something sad happens. It applies to the situation at hand right now.

You and Simon had been together officially for a few months now. After months of ‘i just don’t think it’s time’ or ‘i’m not the relationship type’ Simon finally asked you to be his girlfriend. Of course it was rocky, a story with a sad beginning always ends with a sad ending. You thought it would all eventually work out though. Simon would open up to you about everything he’s been through. He would talk to you about something, anything you didn’t care. The only things you do know are the things his friends have only slightly hinted at.

So when Simon came home in a complete shut off mood (again) it set something off in you. You’ve had enough.

“I can’t do this.” You whisper just enough for him to hear. Simons head moves toward your direction. Your back is turned to him as you stand in the kitchen. He’s sitting with a cup of water in his hands at the dining table.

“What?” Simon asks. His eyes bore into the back of your head almost like he’s trying to telepathically get you to look at him.

With a single tear running down your face you rest one of your hands on your hip. You look up to the ceiling with a sigh escaping your lips.

“You… this… us. I can’t do the whole you shutting me out at every chance you get.” You finally turn to Simon looking into his light eyes.

He’s standing there looking down at you with an unreadable expression. He’s silent and doesn’t say anything for a minute and neither do you. You wait for what feels like hours for him to say something but he simply doesn’t. So you walk away into the living. A few more tears slip from your eyes but your face doesn’t change expression. You aren’t sad you’re more angry than anything.

Simon follows you but keeps his distance. You hear him let out a sigh before finally saying something.

“I can’t lose you.” He says but that only makes you chuckle.

“You can’t lose me? That’s all you have to say?” You turn towards him laughing except there is no joke.

“I’m sorry. This is who I am.” He says walking toward you but you put your hand out to stop him from getting close.

“It doesn’t have to be. You could just talk to me when you come over instead of just shutting me out.” You sigh rubbing your temple and taking a seat on your couch.

Simon takes a seat beside you but still at a distance. His hands clasp in his lap and you look at him through your peripherals.

“I don’t know how to talk about these things. I never learned how. It’s been the one thing I’ve struggled with my entire life.” Simon lets out. He’s twirling his fingers together awkwardly waiting for you to say something.

“I just want to know how your day is when you come over. I want to know your favorite color. I want to know how your friends are doing. I want to know you Simon.” You say looking back into his eyes. You can see his eyes are slightly more wet than usual.

“I-“ Simon begins to say but stops himself. This only makes you more angry. You stand up in front of him and throw your hands up in exhaustion.

“I’m ruining myself trying to be there for you. I’m standing right fucking here begging for you to just let me in to your life but you won’t let me!” Your voice becoming louder than you wanted it to. The anger finally bubbling to the surface. You’ve had enough.

“I don’t know what I’m doing! I’ve never felt this way before. Not with anyone ever. I’m scared you’ll leave just like everyone else!” Simon stands above you yelling back just not as loud as you. His thick accent shining through with every word he threw out.

“I’m don’t want to go anywhere! But you are making it so hard to want to stay! I don’t care about anything except for you. I just want you!” Your eyes begin to betray you. A waterfall of tears cascades down your face as Simon moves to hold you. You shove him away. He doesn’t make an effort to try again which only makes you disappointed for a reason you don’t understand.

You walk away from him with a scoff back to the kitchen. You stand at the sink that’s full of dirty dishes from the meal you shared earlier. You wipe the tears from your face as you hear Simon walk in behind you.

“Tell me what to do. Tell me how to make this better.” Simon says in a low hushed tone. You turn to face him with his unreadable expressions as always. A skill you know your never going to learn. His arms hang beside his torso so sadly it almost makes you want to apologize but you know better. You can’t keep living like this.

“There is no ‘making this better’ Simon. You did this… you’ve ruined what could have been.” You talk calmly compared to your earlier demeanor. It’s almost pathetic the way Simons standing. He’s defeated. He knows what he did and now he’s facing the consequences.

“Please.” He begs. He wonders over to you but you put a hand out to stop him. Your hand on his chest as he looks down at you. Your eyes are swelled with tears begging to fall but you hold your composure. You push him away again. You know you would never normally have to strength to do this. You know he’s walking himself backwards to give you the space you beg for.

“It’s over Simon. We’re over.” You walk away again to the front door of your house. You stand there as Simon meets you at the door. He gives you one last look as you watch him grab his coat and then the door handle. He stops and turns to you with that same unreadable expression.

“Im sorry. Im sorry I couldn’t be what you deserve. Im sorry I stayed silent instead of giving you answers to things you’ve wondered for nearly a year. I’m sorry you felt you had to stay. Im sorry for keeping you out. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better. I’m sorry I couldn’t be who you needed me to be.” Simon looks deeply into your eyes. His words catching young surprise but the damage has been done. Your heart is broken and no amount of apologies could fix that. You stay silent with teary eyes. Simons hand still in the door knob as he waits for you to say something.

There is no fixing the many months of silence and the future of this love is over. Maybe he could have opened up but that’s not who he is. Maybe he would have tried that to be better. It’s all you wanted him to do but you can’t always fix something that broken.

“I just wanted you.” You finally say. Simon takes the hint of your words realizing this really is the end. He twist the door knob and walks out your home. Out of your life. As soon as you hear the click of the door closing the silence takes over your now empty estate. This silence being sad. The only sound that can be heard is the heavy fall of the rain outside. The silence gets to you faster than you want it to. You collapse to floor with heavy tears cascading down your face and onto your floor.

There is no happy ending for this sad beginning.

༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻

final thoughts: this is like a few hundred words shorter but i genuinely love this version sooooo much better. i wrote the original from a situation i had been in personally except my version ended up more like this. obviously its not exactly how mine happened but it’s pretty accurate. finally getting rid of that person in your life that was just absolutely draining everything from you is so freeing. in the moment losing the person you thought was the love of your life is genuinely soul crushing, but time genuinely does heal you. You’ll come to find out that that person was absolutely the worst choice you could have made and the best choice was kicking them the fuck out of your life. I’m yapping over here but i genuinely hope you loved the story :’).

Love ya! Thanks for reading!

also as i’m rereading this to post it… it’s definitely giving off the 1 vibes.

[luetta]

i just want to talk about the effect everything everywhere all at once had on me. it saved my life. before it i was just living day by day, not giving a single fuck that my life was being wasted and that i was miserable. my inevitable suicide was approaching closer every time i woke up and i didn't care. but then, i watched the scene where evelyn travels to another universe, another version of herself, a different life. and i realised how badly i wanted things to change. every single night i wished and begged and imagined a different life for myself. to be an entirely different person. and then, to see this, this deep ungraspable yearning, represented visually, just broke me. sobbing with open eyes, tears streaming. i wasn't even on e yet and i cried like a bitch. it was amazing. it took a few weeks or so to internalise that message but i definitely realised that, i had to actually take action. make some sort of change. to become the person that i want to be. the other specific scene that irrevocably changed me was right at the end, where joy is being pulled from the void of the bagel and the rock is falling down the cliff. this obviously being a metaphor for suicide. and the imagery of two planets colliding being analogous, as absolutely important, as NOT dying. oh my goodness. what a message. i really do think that, it made me not suicidal anymore. i wasn't actively self harming or planning anything, but i was just. passively suicidal. i had an age in mind where i would reach that, and be able to look around and think "well. i've proved to myself and everyone that i am a failure. i can finally travel to iceland and find a cliff to throw myself off." but after seeing this movie and realising that. to kill myself would have such cataclysmic effects on not only the people around me, but to the unrealised future me. really made me not want to do that at all. i would never have the chance to have a positive impact on so many people's lives. there would be so many beautiful, tranquil experiences i would never experience. so much love and joy and laughter that would be rendered null before it even happened. and that is a terrible, awful thing. to deprive the future of that. i don't want to waste my life away. to contentedly let it fall through my hands like sand. i want to live. i want to chase happiness. to find the source and scoop it in my hands. to drink that pristine glacier water. and i did. 6 months after watching this movie i accepted i was transgender. the thing i wished, begged, cried for, the person i wanted to be more than anything. i was grasping that unreachable dream in my hands and drinking it. it tasted better than i could've ever imagined. i really am happy now. i'm not suicidal anymore. i'm excited for new things, loving my friends, aging. i can't wait to grow older. in about 4 months i'm going to turn 23. 5 years after coming of age. that was the age where i would fantasise about ending my life. now, that thought is quite unfathomable. so yeah. i think everything everywhere all at once saved my life. it's a really great movie.

[mrzeecon]

My Hardcore Addiction to Chai

There’s a running joke among my friends and family that my blood is probably 50% chai by now. And honestly, they might not be wrong. My love affair with chai isn’t new, but ever since I embarked on my career as a marketer, it’s become a full-blown addiction. I’ve tried to cut back, really, I have. But let’s be real: when life gives you stress, deadlines, and back-to-back meetings, you make chai. Lots and lots of chai.

The Origins of My Chai Love Affair

Chai and I go way back. Growing up, the smell of freshly brewed tea leaves mixed with spices like cardamom, ginger, and cloves was a staple in my household. It was more than just a drink; it was a ritual. Mornings started with a cup of steaming hot chai, and evenings wound down with the same comforting brew. It was a family tradition, a sign of comfort and home.

But what was once a casual love affair has intensified into something more serious since I took up the fast-paced life of a marketer.

Marketing: A Career Fueled by Caffeine

Marketing isn’t just a job; it’s a lifestyle. The constant brainstorming sessions, the pressure of coming up with the next big idea, and the never-ending to-do lists can be exhausting. And what’s the one thing that seems to make everything better, clearer, and more manageable? You guessed it: chai.

For every campaign launch, there’s a cup of chai. For every client pitch, another one. Every time I need to focus on creating a new strategy or pulling off a successful social media plan, I find myself reaching for that comforting cup. It’s almost like my creativity flows better with every sip. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

Attempts to Break Free

I know what you’re thinking: “Why not just cut back?” Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried switching to green tea, convincing myself that it’s just as energizing (it’s not). I’ve tried drinking more water, hoping it would fill the chai-shaped void in my heart (it didn’t). I’ve even gone cold turkey, which resulted in a grumpy, caffeine-deprived version of myself that no one wanted to be around.

But here’s the thing: chai isn’t just about caffeine for me. It’s a moment of calm in the storm, a warm hug in a cup, a few minutes of peace amid the chaos of a busy day. It’s the one constant I can count on when everything else is swirling around me at a million miles an hour.

Embracing the Addiction

So, I’ve made peace with my chai addiction—for now. I figure if I’m going to be hooked on something, it might as well be something that brings me so much joy. Until I find a permanent solution (or until a miracle chai substitute is invented), I’m going to enjoy every single cup.

Maybe one day, I’ll find a way to cut back. Maybe I’ll discover some new miracle drink that gives me the same sense of comfort and clarity. But until then, you’ll find me with a cup of chai in my hand, ready to tackle whatever the marketing world throws at me next. And honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

After all, life is too short to deny yourself the simple pleasures. And for me, that pleasure just happens to be a perfectly brewed cup of chai. So here’s to embracing our addictions—at least the harmless ones—and enjoying every moment of it.

Cheers to chai, the unsung hero of my marketing journey. 🫖

[bts-0t-7]

Mountain of Threads

Pair: Jungkook x dancer F Reader

Summary: You discover a powerful connection and love between you and Jeon Jungkook. Through shared moments of vulnerability and exploration, you embark on a journey that transcends boundaries - creating new stories and a forever-intertwined bond.

Genre: Fluff, Idolxreader

Chapter Warnings: None

WC: 662

The air crackled with anticipation as you stood on stage, the spotlight illuminating your every move. Like the water, your body movements flowed together as one. As the music swelled, you danced with passion, pouring your heart into art. And in the crowd, Jungkook watched, his gaze filled with awe and admiration. The wonder on his face - mouth gaping wide open, staring at your entrancing movements - not moving a single inch.

After the performance, you caught him in the back rooms - a shy smile tugging at the edge of his lips. He hesitantly approached you, speaking with sincerity. "You are a talented dancer, Y/N. That dance was really a masterpiece."

A blush crept up your neck as you ducked your head, replying, "Thank you, Jungkook. Coming from you, it really means a lot."

Jungkook's eyes sparked with a mixture of humility and determination. "The dedication you put into your craft is amazing. Amazing and obvious and really inspiring." His eyes grew bigger as he gasped. "I should go write songs now then!"

His infectious laughter spurred your own and you laughed along, enjoying the easy-going air between you two. At that moment, a connection formed - through shared dreams and the pursuit of excellence. It was a recognition of each other's passions, dreams, and hope - a deep understanding that they have the power to shape lives.

As days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, you found yourself spending more and more time with Junkook. Through shared practices and late-night conversations in the convenience store, you discovered a one-of-a-kind kindred spirit - one that relays the unspoken language of your hearts.

Together, both of you trekked up the mountain of growth and explorations, pushing each other to reach new heights. There were many moments of frustration and exhaustion - many questionable times on whether this connection is worth the fight - but they were always eclipsed by the unwavering support and encouragement you received from Jungkook.

Late one night, standing on the rooftops of his house, the both of your gazed at the stars. The both of you were silent for a long while, before Jungkook turned to you, eyes filled with determination and an underlying…fear. “Y/N, I’ve watched you become stronger and more confident every day. Your passion and drive have always inspired me to be a better version of myself.”

Warmth spread through your chest as you smiled at him. “And you, Jungkook. You have also pushed me further even when I think that I have reached my limit, allowing me to explore new boundaries and embrace challenges.” You turned back to look at the stars, continuing, “You truly have an incredible ability to light up a room with your presence.”

Jungkook’s cheeks tinted with a blush as he chuckled. “Thank you, Y/N. Your belief truly means a lot to me.”

At that moment, the world seemed to shrink, leaving just the both of you on the rooftop - a space where dreams collide and love blossoms. Jungkook’s hand reaches out, his fingers gentry intertwining with yours as if to solidify the connection between your souls.

With a bated breadth, you leaned in, lips finding Jungkook’s in a tender kiss. It was a moment that encapsulated all the unspoken emotions swirling between you. It was a dance of vulnerability and trust, a stepping stone toward a love that transcends all boundaries.

From then on, your strings intertwined as your journey continued, hand-in-hand. Through the ups and downs, the peals of laughter and the tears, you discovered a love both so powerful and tender - one that has defined even the most complex emotions in every situation; one that defied expectations and blossomed beyond the confinements of the stage.

In Jungkook’s embrace, you found a partner who would always push you to be the best version of yourself as you would for him. Together, the both of you soar beyond boundaries, embrace the unknown, and continuously create a story that your forever be etched in your hearts.

[foxi-gi]

"Are ya cold Lad?"

.

.

Idk why I made this but I hope you like it!

(Its really old)

For everyone who found their way here via a link:

[Tw: Includes swearing and hints at suicide]

The winds are cold, and in the morning, it howls past the walls of the lighthouse, with small droplets of salt water and rain pitter pattering against the fogged up windows of my kitchen.

Once again, I drink my tea, black with a swig of Rum in it to spice things up... for the 50th time in a row.

It wasn't tastes. It wasn't nice, but I had run out of sugar a while ago. And getting any now was pointless and, quite frankly, a waste of time I didn't have.

I finished my coffee, ate a tuna sandwich, and put on the clothes left scattered around the house where I hadn't put them, making my way down town to buy some ingredients for my stew. Of course, with ham, potatoes, and other veggies. Maybe some melted cheese to give it a bit of extra taste.

This stew had been a special meal... Had. Instead, it had become a chore, and even though I dragged myself to my car all the same and the motor once again needed exactly 3 turns of the key to start, it never became easier.

The drive was exactly 20 minutes. And on the way, I barely managed to swerve aside to not hit an animal on the road. I knew it was there, but for some reason, i was always surprised by it notherless.

Tired eyes on the surrounding areas, as I parked the old and rusty truck in front of a convenience store.

Or rather in inconvenience store, as one door always broke right as I enter.

I grab the items I want, smacking the exact amount of money needed on the counter, grumbling about how I won't need a receipt, before leaving the store, ignoring the group of women who had been trying to reach out to me every single day.

"No. I'm not interested in talking to yer scrummy arse." I yell back as the women begin to hiss back insults, but I drive off before they can continue.

It was always a small town, and a few years ago, I would have actually cared about their opinion... but now I don't anymore. It didn't matter if I was polite or impolite anyway... They wouldn't remember.

During the noon, I cut the veggies, blending some after a brief cooking with the molten cheese before letting it simmer with the meat and slowly adding different ingredients and broths to the stew. In the late noon, I go outside, with the stew on low,staring at the Sea solemnly.

"I see a storm comin." I'd say, even though my behaviour today refuses me any person to tell this to. And I'll continue watching the sea for around an hour more. Not moving. Not caring about the cold. It's not like it mattered much...

After which, I'd hurry inside, believing my stew to be overcooked, or burning, or whatever I thought it did.

It didn't, though. It was perfect. As always. Having a meal every single day caused you to do that, even unintentionally sometimes.

I sit back and eat my stew. Or I just stare at it. It's either of the two.

Today was supposed to be my birthday.

Today was supposed to be a feast for my friends, who never showed up. And yesterday was supposed to be my birthday as well. And the day before that. But no matter who I talked to that day, no matter what I did, in no version, anyone showed up.

It never mattered.

My spoon clattered against the bowl and I stare at it tiredly.

I couldn't do this anymore. I just can't take it anymore. Every day..

I look over at the boat rope, laying curled up on the Chair I had left it months ago, before this all started...

Maybe trying it again would work... maybe I'd be free.

[gutscenes]

mdzs vol. 1 chapter 2: the intractable-- first readthrough thoughts

“He could swear there was not a single wandering ghost in this world who was more decent and honest than he!” I believe you!!! Wei Wuxian NG+ run, nerfed build, unlocked romanceable NPC

I seriously feel for poor Mo Xuanyu, probably more than intended by MXTX lol. I’d be surprised if this wasn’t a common sentiment in the fandom, though. “What kind of hellish life was he fucking living?” indeed. Thank you for dying so that Wei Wuxian can get a second chance, Mo Xuanyu!! (weeps for fictional side character who dies basically page 1)

“If he delayed seeking food any longer, he might just become the first malicious ghost in history to die of hunger immediately after being summoned.” This chapter is full of hysterical lines and this was such a funny detail. WWX was so worried about his unrecovered spiritual power or whatever but it turned out he was just really fucking hungry. Like yeah that’s so real that happens to me every Sunday.

“Truly, out of the mountains a tiger can be bullied by a dog, in shallow waters a dragon can be mocked by a shrimp, and a plucked phoenix is lower than a chicken.” I just love this line.

“Everyone knows I like men. Even if he has no shame, I know not to make myself suspicious…I don’t care if you don’t care about your reputation, but I still care about mine!! I STILL GOTTA FIND A GOOD MAN!!!” Smiling beatifically.

“When it came to outrageous behavior, Wei Wuxian was an expert.” No kidding

I love Jingyi and Sizhui’s dynamic. Sizhui is calm and unfailingly kind, while Jingyi is instantly getting riled up by WWX’s antics. Looking forward to seeing more of these juniors.

“Wei Wuxian had swiftly finished inspecting the spirit-attraction flag. The drawn patterns were correct, and none of the spells were missing either. There were no mistakes, so no mishaps would occur if the flags were used.” He’s a good boy your honor

“This was a good sprout very worthy of encouragement, and Wei Wuxian mentally gave him a nod of approval…Wei Wuxian wondered who among that terrifying group full of uptight sticks-in-the-mud known as the Lan Clan had managed to raise such a junior.” Your future husband

The Supreme Evil Lord gets fucking resurrected and then just instantly starts selflessly trying to save everyone. Like this is your bad guy, cultivation world???? You sure?????

That being said, WWX’s utter control over the most evil of spirits is such a sexy trait like I get it Lan Zhan I really do

aaaand WWX’s gashes heal, revenge fulfilled. Crazy how if Mo Xuanyu stayed alive uhhhhh one more day the trash would’ve taken itself out for him. (Unless I’m mistaken??)

“Wei Wuxian was just about to let loose the whistle he held under his tongue when—right then—two strums from a guqin sounded in the far distance.” Let’s fucking gooooo!

“This time, the note was higher pitched, piercing through the sky like the austere harshness of winter’s first approach.” So lovely, so ethereal. As expected of ice prince Lan Zhan. Also the Seven Seas version has the most beautiful artwork of Lan Wangji and his guqin in this chapter! I wasn’t expecting it!

“Of all people who could have come, it had to be the Lan family; of all people to come, it just had to be Lan Wangji!” Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, etc. (Fleabag voice) This is a love story.

This is going down pretty similarly to how I remember it in The Untamed, except for Wei Wuxian doubling down on the cutsleeve thing, obviously. Eager to see where else things diverge…I'm having a fucking blast WWX is a delight

[dailyaudiobiblechronological]

12/28/2022 DAB Chronological Transcription

Revelation 1 - 5

Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible Chronological, I'm China. Today is the 28th day of December, welcome. So great to be back here with you today. Today is kind of a bittersweet day. It's the last book of the Bible that we will read together this year. We have made it. We are inching closer and closer towards the end and this is, this is it. You've, you've made it. So I hope you are feeling excited and feeling proud of yourself for being in The Word of the Lord for a year and whether it was every single day or some days here and played catch up or, you know, just needed to skip towards where we are now in the calendar week. I hope you feel accomplished and that you not even maybe accomplished, but more so than anything, I hope you feel that the word of God is important and that there's purpose in reading it and that this really is our daily bread and you are feeling nourished from it. And so with that being said, no further ado. Here we are, we are in the Book of Revelation. We are in chapters one through five for today, continuing on in the New International Version for this week.

Commentary

Something that really grabbed my attention in the reading today, well, a lot grabbed my attention, but something that has really stayed with me that we read pretty early on is, when he talks about search my heart, God, and know me. And I find myself praying that a lot recently where you can pray for really whatever's on your heart. Like, Lord, refined me. Lord, I pray for patience, I pray for wisdom. God, I pray for fill in the blank. And I think the thing that I come back to the most is, Lord, would you search my heart and know me? Would you reveal to me what needs addressing, like what needs to go, what needs to grow, what needs watered, what needs pruned, what needs raked, what needs picked out and thrown away? And I just think that that's like a really beautiful prayer to pray when you don't really know what else to pray and you're trying to be self aware and to become more spiritually mature and you just don't know what to pray sometimes. And so I think that that's a really great one. And also just reading the Book of Revelation, I think a lot of us can come out of it and be like, what did we just read? And I know that sometimes it can get pretty debatable and pretty theological and it kind of makes your head spin, right? And so if you want a more indepth talking and more thorough walkthrough of what it is that we're reading, what's really going on to kind of put some context, you can go to the Daily Audio Bible's main channel. My dad if I didn't know my dad is Brian. And starting on December 10 on DAB and I'm not sure for how long it goes on the very end. So after the calls, there is audio of my dad breaking it down. So understand that we're reading different scriptures sorry, not different scripture, but at different times and different chunks of it. So it'll be a little bit more broken down scripture wise, like there'll be less of it as opposed to us just reading one through five. But if that's something that you are wanting, you can definitely go and listen to that. Again, starting on December 10. That would be a good resource for you, that's available to you.

Prayer

But Father, I thank you for your words. I thank you that you give us visions and that you give us dreams and you use that to speak to us and through us. And sometimes it's for ourselves and sometimes it's for others. And I thank you, God, just for the power in writing it down and remembering it and holding fast to it and just seeing everything that you speak come to pass. And thank you for your power and your wisdom and your might. And it's in your name we pray, amen.

[tomyo]

Story of seasons friends of Mineral town: The Powertrip

I would like you to come back to a simpler time with me, dear reader. Do you remember Kanye's Power? Do you remember the mlp version? Around that time, I shared on this exact blog some cringey art reveling in exploiting the ruby spice farming trick to for the first time properly fun my wonderful life farm. Now and again, a bokumono game gives its players some way to break the game, but the friends of mineral town took it to a new level.

Okay, let's rewind. Amidst playing ANB, I became frazzled from the sheer amount of mechanics I had to keep track of. I have moved Yuri into town, but now I was struggling to complete restoration project 3. At some point, I messed up a day and took a step back. Now I have not kept track of switch games on my backlog, but this past winter, I was gifted fomt but had not touched it. Fomt was my first HM game and something I knew intimately since it was so straightforward. I decided to take a quick shot at it. Oh, how novel it was at the start.

Within one night's worth of work, I had basically become the kingpin of quaint Mineral Town.

I did not intend it, in fact I barely read anything major. Just some basic costs and a crop guide. However, during the first horse race, I was saving money for a new rucksack but now was unable to buy it. I take a look at the medal information and figure I'd try my luck at getting the power berry seeing as save scumming was much less tedious now. However instead, I ended up with a good number of broaches. That was when I made my first 50k.

Now you can ship the broaches just fine but I had learned of selling to Huang and figured I should befriend him for next time. Pretty much a day later I ended up with van's favorite (VF from here out) to which I believe is a new addition that you can sell to Huang for ~50k each.

Apparently, you get this every time your transaction count lands on a 10 in its count. Heavily exploitable, but you don't even need to try. So far I have received 3 without even trying and it's been more than enough money to basically complete the game.

By mid summer I had enough to pay for one of every animal, upgrade the house fully and furnish it fully, upgrade all weapons to max, and upgrade the barn and coop one level up AND buy the materials for that rather than slowly accrue it.

The thing is, I also had completed most of this by late spring. All the animals I needed and plenty of seeds, it was time to call upon the sprites. As one should know, sprites love flour, the easiest bribery ever. Had all seven won over in time to plant 90, yes 90, pineapples. And even more plants with that, about 10 of everything I could have at the moment. The money every couple of days was ludicrous. I was making thousands without some cheat. I was even smart enough to not hire all of them at once so there was always coverage. It was basically great assistance while I built up my skill with the watering can. Sadly not mythril yet but gold works fine.

So I'm living large, what now?

Well child me was not as good at patience with this game and would do dumb shit like make myself pass out and only talk with Karen. I guess it's time to befriend the town.

Now this time as I had remarked previously, I intended to marry Elli. Though as a divergence back up, I also confessed to the harvest goddess my interest and was giving some stuff to karen too. Oh, but there is romancable gift options? Darn, and the new guy has a boyfriend gift for you too. Oh wait, the game ENCOURAGES YOU to date all the singles. Yes. Bokumono outprogressed stardew valley in the same game that it first let you date same sex (not as a conditional feature). I mean, how can I say no to that? Why shouldn't I date the whole town before settling down? I WANT FREE HOUSE DECOR DAMMIT.

And boy have I achieved that. Guess what. Most singles have a really simple to get thing in their likes category. Most people in fact like store bought flour too as I've learned.

So now I am in early Fall, collecting various foliage and woeing some people to let me into their rooms and give me recipes. I am mostly waiting around to repeat my sudden wealth gain at the fall races but now with tens of thousands instead of the previous 3k I had at the time. It would take roughly 5000 broaches to buy that cabin from Gotz, although that doesn't factor material or if they'll let me keep that many broaches. Moreover I'm holding out for the free beach house at 150 gifts to which should come in fall of next year if I am pious.

But what's most on my mind is buying my first dog and learning cooking so I can spend the winter lake mining for kappa jewels, some of each gem, and the power berry. If I get the cursed tools as well is up in the air since I still need to upgrade 5 of 6 tools to mythril which takes quite a lot of time especially since not every one is full exp yet. Likely I will try to upgrade the hoe and hammer before winter, the watering can at the start of it, and get the axe and pole done in time to trek the depths one last time.

Sadly what has truly stopped the glory of this progression is simply my real time availability to play it. I started at the end of my free time week and have been busy since. Maybe one day i'll finally be able to gain those mythical houses that were so unattainable in the og.

[jillianblom]

the night.

it was like i was looking in the mirror. it was dark, and i could barely see him sitting next to me, but i could picture the look on his face. he was thinking of something to say, his eyebrows were furrowed, sad almost. he always has done that when thinking. i always felt like i could read his mind, but i hadn’t seen him for a couple months. i could still smell the alcohol on him and myself from much earlier in the night, and i still believe that it was more the wine talking than him. we shared the same fear of each other, but i felt nothing but comfort now. i could not stop staring at him, the way that i would focus on my favorite song, or a book i have read 100 times, he was speaking with sleepiness in his voice, but enthrallment. his hair was the same, so was his face, he’s taller, but smaller. he has always had a deep voice but somehow it seems softer, maybe smoother. im holding onto his leg like he is going to disappear right in front of me, walk out the door and never come back. i think that was the only thing i was worrying about, not the chill i felt, not my watering eyes, just him. how can you become so close to someone that you knew once, in just a day. i had dreamed of this moment for months, seeing the face that was a constant in my brain. it almost hurt looking at him, he had moved on from whatever i was. i was different, and he was different, but for just a few moments none of that mattered.i think i have become bitter that i couldn’t spend more of my time with him, i have become angry that i will never get that moment back, sitting there in the low light, speaking about things that nobody knows except us, holding onto him while he explains everything in such a poetic way like he still does. i don’t think i will ever be able to let go of that. i have never felt so known. i knew him once before this, and that wasn’t the same. it was raw, clinging onto one and other because we were both drowning. it was drinking for fun and lying for sport. i met him and everything came crashing down on me. it wasn’t a slow thing, it was immediate. when does that fucking happen. how fucking lucky am i to have that happen, not once, but twice, let alone with the same exact person. i should have known that we would fall back in synch, how could we not? he is me and i am him. we are two parts of a whole person. he is sarcastic and bitter and funny and loving, he is everything i have based every person around, but of course its never the same because its not him. i have tried, over and over and over again to find the same thing but i know i never will. i can’t, because it is only a version of him i am trying to create in other people. im so scared that i will never be able to find that again. no matter how many sarcastic assholes i sleep with, not a single one of them will know me the way that he has, and i won’t let them! its something i guess ingrained in me that i cannot let people in anymore. i sit here praying that some day it will be us and nobody else, like i believe in some higher power. but i guess when it comes to him, he is the higher power.

[soulmate-game]

Not related to the other two Bio!mom Harley AUs that I did. Just... similar. I wrote this instead of sleeping, as per the usual.

—*—*—*—*—*

“I need your help.”

No accent, no threats of violence, no beating around the bush (figurative or otherwise). No fighting or unconscious bodies.

Just Harley Quinn with her hair down, no makeup, and completely serious, in the center of the Bat Cave. Even though her usual exaggerated Brooklynn accent (circa 1950s) had become a pretty inseparable part of her personality over the years, every now and then she forcibly stuffed it down and used her mostly unaccented voice. The one reminiscent of days with less colors on her face, a high bun, and a pristine white lab coat.

Every single one of the Bats and Birds present, fresh from an interrupted patrol thanks to her, could count the number of times they had seen Harley like this on one hand. Bruce would have the most recollections, but everyone else would have plenty of fingers left on said hand. So they all knew, especially when Bruce willingly pulled down his cowl so he could look Harley in the eye, that this was the start of something they were not likely to forget. And maybe their chances of survival were slim too.

“Harley,” Bruce’s voice was still gruff, seeing as he was still mostly Batman at the moment, but his eyes were soft. “Maybe you should tell us what you need help with first. And sit down. You look exhausted.”

Sure enough, there were dark circles under Harley’s eyes. She let Bruce-man lead her over to one of their debriefing tables and sit her down. She let out a huge sigh, her fingers tangling in her loose blond locks.

“I have a confession, and it isn’t gonna leave this cave, capiche?” The slight return of her accent relieved a little of the tension, but not much. Taking this as their cue, the rest of the bats spread out into their usual seats at the table. Bruce stayed near Harley, keeping a hand on her shoulder in silent support. Harley didn’t continue talking until he gave her a solemn nod in agreement. She gulped— an action that immediately returned the tension.

“... fifteen years ago, back when I was still with Joker, I disappeared off the Gotham scene for a few months. I’m sure a few of you remember,” she looked up, and a couple of the older vigilantes nodded. Really, Jason has still been Robin back then. But the memory stuck out in his head now that he was thinking about it.

“Yeah, you were breaking away from him a little bit, which was weird at the time,” Red Hood mused aloud, arms crossed. “I think you helped us out a couple times and did some of your first team ups with Ivy before you vanished. Then a few months go by and you were back in action with Joker, so we mostly ignored it as you just being you.”

Harley nodded. “Ah, my Ivy’s a lifesaver, even back then. She helped cover up the timeline by keeping me in action for longer than I should’a been without putting me at too much risk.”

“Timeline…” Red Robin spoke up, eyes huge even behind his mask. “You don’t mean—“

“Harley,” Bruce breathed, having also caught on. “You were pregnant?”

The air went still. Harley sniffed, eyes watering even as she smiled.

“Oh yeah. Shouldn’t have been possible, ya know? Me ‘n Joker being dumped in that damn acid should have made us both more sterile than an operatin’ room. But I knew I couldn’t raise a kid, so after she was born—“

“You kept her?” Damian interrupted, earning a gentle cuff over the head from Dick. Harley just snorted.

“Yeah. Not gonna lie, I thought about abortion. But the baby didn’t do nothin’ wrong, and I was still in love with Joker back then so I was ecstatic that I was able to make something new with part ‘a him in it. Still, I knew a baby didn’t deserve to be raised in Gotham. Especially not my baby, not with my enemies and history. Not with who her father was. I knew he’d never want her, never let me keep her. So I spent the last five months of my pregnancy lookin’ around for the best possible family to take her in. And I found them in Paris, France. A sweet couple, both of them bakers. Sabine, she’s both adorably sweet and super kickass. Comes from a Chinese family that is crazy about teachin’ their women martial arts. But nothing shady about it, I triple checked. Just bonding through kicking people in the face. Which is perfect, I wanted my baby to know how to defend herself. I knew she’d need those skills eventually. And Tom, that’s Sabine’s wife, he’s a gentle giant. Same size as Bane, but as harmless as a puppy and makes the best croissants ever. Seriously, the best.”

“Harley,” Bruce gently prodded, but there was a tiny grin on his face. Seeing her behaving so… so normally, so proud and reminiscent, was a rare treat. Bruce would be lying if he said he wasn’t proud of how far the woman had come. How she had freed herself and become a better person, mostly on her own.

“Right, right. The point,” Harley took a breath, rubbing her forehead. “I came clean to Tom and Sabine, but apparently they knew who I was the whole time. They just didn’t care— did I mention they are perfect? Anyway, once I explained everything, they agreed immediately to adopting my baby. They’d been wanting kids, but it would’a been too risky for Sabine’s health. That’s how I found them anyway, they were in the market to adopt. We named her Marinette. She took Tom and Sabine’s last names, hyphenated. We decided Quinn would be her middle name. And after that, I came back to Gotham and told myself that she was in good hands and I needed to forget about her. Cuz I was no good for her. I knew that. I went back to my old tricks. And then…” Harley chuckled, but it was self-depreciating.

“Then a few years passed, and I started breaking away from Joker for real. Then we broke up, I blew up Ace Chemicals while you guys were outta town doing Justice League and Young Justice shit. I started dating Ivy. And—“ she smiled softly at the table, clearly seeing something the rest of them couldn’t. “Then Ivy convinced me to go see her. Visit my baby, see how she’s been. And I did. Marinette was seven years old, but damn it to hell she was gorgeous. And say whatever you want about me and Joker— most of it will even be true— but neither of us are stupid. And she inherited all of our intelligence. All of it. She got my blue eyes. But she got his hair, which meant Sabine teased me relentlessly about ‘are you sure she isn’t that Wayne’s kid?’ And don’t make that face Bruce, you’d be lucky to have a kid half as beautiful as my Mari-pie. No offense, Damian. Anyway. Anyway, this is the important part. Or part of it.

“She sat there and listened to everything I had to say. Everything. A little seven year old, who could barely understand English at the time, and she listened without interrupting once. She never threw a fit, she wasn’t angry or confused. I told her about the things I’d done in the past— well, G rated versions— and she didn’t care. She called me Momma Harley right away, said she wanted to meet Aunt Ivy sometime soon, and started telling me everything about her that I’d missed. From that day on, she became my sunshine. The light of my life, and I still call her at least once a week every week. When I disappear for a few days out of the city? I’m visiting her—“

“You’re banned from international travel, Harley,” Dick scolded, but he sounded way too amused for it to work. He knew she had her ways, anyway. Nobody could actually stop Harley damn Quinn from doing whatever she wanted.

“—Ugh, she tells me the same thing every time! Disappointed glare and everything. I don’t know how I gave birth to such a goodie goodie, but somehow I did. Not important though! The important thing is, I’m always the first to hear when something new happens in her life. And we had decided that she wouldn’t visit me in Gotham until she was at least eighteen, but apparently she disobeyed me— which I should have expected honestly— and entered you guys’ WE international scholastic competition.”

“Oh no,” Bruce pinched the bridge of her nose. “Marinette Dupain-Cheng? The contest winner?” He finally pulled out a chair and sat down. “The winner gets an all-expense paid trip to Gotham for them and their whole class.”

“Exactly!” Harley threw up her hands. “Mari told me last week, and I’ve been trying to talk her out of coming ever since. But she’s inherited both of our stubbornness too, and she isn’t budgin’ a bit. ‘Momma Harley, I wanna see you and Auntie Ivy though!’ And ‘Momma, Gotham’s nothing I can’t handle,’ or my favorite, ‘Maybe you’ll finally get to see me dropkick someone three times my size then, and I’ll prove it.’”

“So that’s what you meant by you need our help,” Tim said as he leaned forward over the table. “Joker just broke out of Arkham yesterday. You want us to protect her.”

“I’d prefer if one of you was with her outside of the mask too, as often as possible,” Harley confirmed. “I can’t stop her from coming here anymore, but I also don’t trust Joker for a second. As soon as he sees her, I’m afraid he’ll make the connection.”

“She looks like him?” Damian asked, scrunching up his nose at the ugly mental image of Joker as a teenage girl. Harley shook her head, solemn.

“She looks like a dark-haired mini-me,” she corrected. “She even keeps her hair in pigtails as her way of showing support for me. And I know Marinette can kick ass, Sabine’s trained her well. But Marinette inherited more than I’d like from me,” Harley ran a hand through her hair. “I didn’t notice it until she was thirteen. She got a crush on a classmate, and it was almost like watching videos of me back during the early days of— well, of Harley Quinn. Just without the crime and insanity. She didn’t even realize that she was almost stalking the poor kid until I pointed it out, and luckily I was able to put my doctorate to good use and we nipped that right in the bud ASAP. She never meant it that way, anyway. As soon as I explained things to her, she was horrified and immediately asked me to help her learn how to have a healthy relationship. That was a fun discussion,” Harley grimaced. “But she still gets attached to people really, really easily. Once she grew out of her crush on that boy, she adopted him as her unofficial brother. She already calls Selina “Auntie,” even though I’ve barely mentioned her to Marinette. She gets attached fast, and deeply. And I’m afraid that even after all the warning I’ve done, all the stories I’ve told her—“

“You’re afraid she’ll get attached to Joker just like you did,” Bruce finished for her, closing his eyes. “Because she knows he’s her father.”

“Yes,” Tears were slowly dripping down her face already, her hands curled into fists so tightly that her knuckles were paper white. “You know how he is. If he finds out she’s his biological daughter, he’ll immediately try to take advantage of that. And he’s far too good with his words for people like me and Mari. I’m worried outta my mind. Please. Help keep my baby safe from him.”

“We will,” Jason no longer had his helmet on, or the domino mask that he usually wore underneath it. All of them knew masks were merely formality with Harley nowadays. And he needed to look her directly in the eye so she could see how serious he was. “I can sign up as a bodyguard for the class. It won’t be weird, seeing as they’re tourists and this is Gotham. They also have several rich kids in their group if I remember right.”

Bruce nodded, agreeing with Jason. “That’s a good idea. I can lead the class on their tours of WE personally. That’ll serve the purpose of keeping an eye on her and shutting up the investors that keep begging me to make more public appearances for the sake of the company. Marinette’s name is already released to the news as the winner of the contest, so we can’t keep her out of the spotlight long. Tim, you’ll have to keep an eye on any and all pictures of the class. Try to erase or doctor the images with her in it well enough that connections between her and Harley can’t be easily made. Dick, you and Damian will be in charge of keeping an eye out for any activity from Joker. The slightest hint, and you notify all of us. We’ll decide on a case-by-case basis who is necessary to stick with the class and who goes after the clown.”

“She’s gonna sneak out of her hotel to stay with me and Ivy,” Harley admitted, bringing the (now slightly judgemental) attention back to her. She raised her hands up in surrender. “She didn’t tell me that, and I didn’t approve or suggest it! I just know my baby too well to not realize that that’s her plan. Could ya provide an escort?”

Bruce sighed. “This is gonna be an eventful month.”

[wiypt-writes]

Consciousness Of Guilt

Chapter 1

Summary: It’s a year since Ransom was murdered, and you’re settling well into your new life in Boulder. It hasn’t just provided you with a fresh start-it’s brought you a new sense and purpose, an appreciation for the things you took fore grated, and the friendship of a former ADA…

Warnings: Bad Language, allusions to past abuse (Non Con/Dub Con) but nothing explicitly described in this chapter.

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar the reader and any other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

W/C: 5k

Consciousness Of Guilt Masterlist // Main Masterlist

A/N- So, here it is! The sequel to Murder, He Wrote . This is the last time I’ll post this note, however, please be aware that the prequel is a Dark series. Whilst this is not, it will contain flashbacks and themes as we progress, however nothing will be as dark as MHW. Chapters will be clearly labelled with appropriate warnings. If anyone is uncomfortable with the themes of a certain chapter, I will be more than happy to post/provide abridged versions which will not deviate from the storyline.

Sunrise. You used to hate the coming of each day. It meant another monotonous day in your young adult life. A 'depends on the day' type of job at the paper in which you got your start, it meant earning little for the slave work you put into each piece or research. It meant another day you'd woken up in fear, not knowing what was coming next. Then, for a little while, sunrises were okay. They were a soft glow across the room, illuminating hard lines and soft curves, whispering words and lingering kisses. And then, they became fearful again, bringing the unpredictable nature of a life in which you were trapped.

But now, over the last few months, since taking up your new hobby, sunrise had become a beautiful thing. The feeling of peace and comfort washing over you like a warm rain, bringing the redeeming nature of a new day as vibrant watercolours paint the new-born sky. Whether you caught it from the East side of your condo; your master balcony and study or your garden, or even your hikes, you appreciated every, single sunrise as if you were seeing it for the first time ever, each and every day.

For this morning's sunrise, you were perched along Boulder Creek Path, a trail that runs from the foothills to across town, a typical recreational getaway for many locals and tourists. You looked out over the bridge as the creek flowed beneath your feet. You were lost in the serenity of it, the bubbling water lulling your mind into a deep mediation that washed peacefulness through your entire body.

A year ago today, your life changed and you were freed. Free of the nightmare that had plagued you, robbing you of nearly a year of your life. The months that followed weren't so easy, but once things settled and the fires were extinguished, you found peace.

You found you.

Your phone buzzing in your pocket brought you back from your reverie, pressing your thumb onto the screen to unlock it. You opened your messages tab and tapped the most recent incoming text.

A smile flicked on your face as you slipped your phone back in your pocket. It didn’t escape your knowledge how Andy didn’t need to even ask what coffee you wanted. But then again, this wasn’t the first time you’d had breakfast in the small, independent coffee place not far from your home and place of work. You knew when you arrived that a large caramel vanilla latte, with an extra shot would be waiting. But no food, your order varied depending on your mood.

Twenty minutes or so later, you parked your sting-grey Jeep Grand Cherokee SRT 4x4 back in your garage to your condo at the corner of 9th and Pine Street and set off on the short ten minute walk to your designated meeting place, centred near the town square, not far from your office which was a gorgeous old red-brick building on the corner of 16th and Walnut Street.

As you approached, you didn’t spot Andy’s black Audi TT in any of the spaces littered around but it didn’t bother you. Barber was reliable, if he said he was going to be there, he’d be there.

And sure enough, as you walked along the side of the cafe you, spotted him at your usual, preferred table by the large window, overlooking the street. He saw you approaching and smiled, giving a small wave.

The smell of roast coffee beans, baked treats and other delicious aromas hit your senses as you opened the door. You approached the table and Andy stood up to great you, smiling. A light grey tee sat exposed under a partially zipped up light weight blue leathered hoodie whilst dark and crisp denim covered his narrow hips and long legs, his go to well-worn black work boots on his feet. His hair was styled and soft looking, his beard always trimmed and neat. He gave you a strong, yet gentle hug, a juxtaposition he managed effortlessly before he turned and waited for you to sit first before he took up his previous seat, nodding to your waiting drink.

“Thank you.” You beamed at him, taking a quick sip. "Of course." He smiled as he took a drink of his own coffee, straight black, before he leaned back a little. His left arm rested over the back of the booth bench, the platinum of his wedding ring catching the early morning sun which streamed through the window. You momentarily glanced at your own hand, bare of the heavy rings which had been taken in the ‘mugging’. Mind you, you wouldn’t be wearing them even if you still had them. Your story was a lot different to his.

“So, where'd you go this morning?" his soft baritone drifted across the table and you glanced back at him. "Fiddled around down Boulder Creek Path." "You seem to be getting around better now." "Yeah, thank God for GPS. Did I tell you that last week I was looking for some store Amber vaguely told me where about it was and ending up like thirty minutes down the highway towards Denver." He laughed, his whole body smiling, radiating genuine amusement. "You have more faith in GPS than me, when I first moved here I got pulled over for going the wrong way down a one way street because it told me to.” You grinned as he shook his head. "And that annoying voice! I want to wring her damn neck." You gave a chuckle but before you could reply, the middle-aged woman, who owned the café, interrupted you both with her usual familiar greeting and the smile she reserved for Andy. “Hey Patti, how are ya?” He smiled back. “Same old, same old.” She winked back. “What can I get you kids today?” “Y/N?” Andy looked at you and you smiled. “Can I get an almond croissant and a granola pot, please? With the blueberry compote.” “Sure honey, and for you Mr Barber?”

“French toast please, all the trimmings.”

A fizzing filled your ears as you were suddenly back on a clinically clean, modern kitchen, nervously scouring a fridge and cupboards for something to make your captor breakfast with. You swallowed, taking a deep breath, counting backwards from five as you always did to keep the memory from swallowing you.

“Hey,” a gentle touch to your hand jolted you back and you looked at Andy who frowned. “You okay?” "Yeah, no, I mean yes, I'm okay. It just…it dawned me this morning that this was the best thing I could have done for myself. Like there's just a newfound peace that's settled with me, you know?" He just smiled as he squeezed your hand before slipping his away. “Yeah, I do.” No more was said about it, and Andy didn’t press. He never did. In the eight weeks or so that had passed since you’d met him that Friday evening in the bar, the pair of you had struck up a friendship that was based on a mutual understanding. You both carried a heavy burden of a traumatic past on your shoulders, but you had an unspoken rule. He had never mentioned Ransom. And you, in turn, never broached the subject of Laurie or Jacob. You understood you were both moving on with your life, both wanting to heal from the past and you wanted to spend the rest of your life never in fear again. Instead, a simple chatter always flowed between the two of you, and today was no exception. You barely stopped to thank Patti for dropping your order off at the table. Current work was never a topic of conversation, although office gossip featured on occasion, but mostly it was always about happenings around town, him asking about you, your parents and your old job, the two of you talking about your favourite places in Boston. You never missed certain facial and eye cues Andy gave off at the mention of certain things, but when you saw them, that sag in his smile or the far off look his eyes would give, you'd change the subject. You ate in comfortable companionship and after another coffee, Andy asked for the bill and then pulled out his card to pay. "Next one is on me, you paid for the last two and coffee all this week." You gave him a stern look as you headed towards the exit. “Well, if you wanted you could grab us a beer later.” He shrugged, pulling the door handle to open it, allowing you to step out before him. “I gotta nip into the office for a coupla hours but...” "Breakfast AND drinks?" You smiled as he fell into step beside you. The July day was starting to warm a little now, the slight chill of the early morning all but gone. “If I didn't know any better, I'd say you actually like hanging out with me." “Well, I wouldn’t go that far. I just find you slightly less irritating than everything and everyone else.” He teased and you laughed. “So... Happy hour?" "Yeah." You nodded “It's a date." Andy confirmed and you quirked your eyebrow, trying not to laugh at the look on his face as he realised what he had said. “A date?” “Well, I don’t mean a date date but...” You felt the heat in your neck a little, so to save your embarrassment and his blushes, you smiled, "it's a date-not-date. Say Oskar’s, 6:30?" "Oskar’s." He confirmed. "I'll save you a tall, cold one." “You’re an angel, you know that?” "I wouldn't go that far. My halo is held up by horns” “Even Prometheus was an angel at some point, Y/N.” He replied as you reached the corner of the street where you would part. Him towards the office, you back home. You rolled your eyes and shook your head. "I'll see you tonight." At that he gave you another quick hug, his hand rubbing your back over the top of your light jacket before you headed your separate ways.

You enjoyed the walk home. It gave you the perfect chance to just mellow out and walk off a bit of your breakfast. You tucked your hands into the pockets for your vest, your white thermal keeping your arms covered. You headed down Pearl Street, watching as the little shops and boutiques began to set up their patios and side walk spaces for their Saturday. You took in the clean fresh mountain air deep into your lungs and allowed a warm smile to cross your lips. 

From Pearl to 9th you went, hooking a right up 9th until you walked to the corner of Pine, and onto the porch of the nice and spacious condo you closed escrow on just weeks ago. 

That deep feeling of home greeted you as you stepped inside, wiping your boots on your door mat just before kicking them off and setting them by the back door you’d come through. The cream walls invited you in, the oak furniture and fixtures, a feature that reminded you of home, the decor you grew up with, a safe place. 

You'd bought the condo outright with the money you'd inherited from Ransom's untimely death and subsequent estate. You knew before you'd even stepped foot into the property initially, that it'd become yours. The week you closed escrow, you and your parents moved you into the three bedroom, three and a half bath condo, never looking back. 

The open floor plan and panoramic views had stolen your breath and it was then, the first night your parents had left you alone, too anxious to sleep alone, you had fallen in love with the sunrise, seeing it from your front garden patio, bundled up with tea and a wool blanket. All three rooms in the space had no adjoining walls and their own en-suites. The master bedroom, your room, was massive. An en-suite with walk in shower, soaking tub and Jack and Jill sinks. Two walk in closets that you knew you'd probably never fill completely, an Eastwardly view and balcony. The two spare rooms, were separated, one on the second floor down the hall from yours where it's balcony looked West, as it were above the garage and the third on the top and final floor with its own balcony. That was your office space, a spot for you to work and to breathe in the fresh air. 

Everything in that condo was yours, down to the logs you'd put in your fireplace and the silly little amenities you'd given yourself from knickknacks to the colour of your dishes. There was one space however you left untouched. And only your parents had been inside to pack away your unused things as storage space. That room was your basement. You didn't need to go down there, you figured if you needed something from there, you'd go buy it anyway. All that was truly stored down there anyway were things from your childhood your mother insisted on you bringing along.

As if her ears were burning, your phone buzzed from your back pocket, revealing your mother calling. 

"Hey, Mom." You answered. 

"Hi, honey. I was just calling to see how you were doing. Check in on you." You could hear the worry in her voice and you couldn't help but smile. 

"I'm really good, Mom. It’s been good here." "You still hiking every day?" She sounded hopeful now.  "Lately it's just been on the weekends. I've been really busy at work, which isn't exactly a bad thing either." You had made your way to your room, looking for some lounge pants to change into while you continued your conversation.  "Well, busy is a blessing. Do you have anything planned for today or...."  "Uh, well I just had breakfast with a friend from work who I'm also meeting for drinks later." You smirked at the thought.  There was a joyful sigh that poured into your ear from the ear piece, "Oh, this friend wouldn’t happen to be the mysterious Andy you’ve name dropped the last few calls would it?"  You hesitated, "y..ye...yeah." Then you heard the tell-tale sound of your mother's chuckle. “We’re just friends.” "I'm not saying anything." You could picture her with her hands held up in defence. "You sound happy." “I am. I feel okay, more than okay even. I’m good.” "Alright. Well, don’t waste your day. Enjoy it. Your dad and I will talk soon." “Yeah, listen Mom, why don’t you come over for a few days in a couple of weeks? You’ve not been since the week you came to help me move in. It would be nice to show you round now I’ve got my bearings.” "We would love that. I'll have your father look at booking some time." “Okay just let me know. Tell Daddy I said hi.” "I will, sweetie. Love you, bye.” "I love you too, Mom, bye." The seventeenth of July, a date that you hope one day will come to mean nothing and be like any other day. But for now, it was a sting that reminded you of all that had happened. Not unlike Halloween, a day in which you'll forever hold in a fearful anxious place in your soul. It served as a reminder of the moment your life had taken a very dark turn, a darkness that you were still, in a lot of ways, finding your way through. Ransom. His name still tasted sour on your tongue. But left a sadness over your heart like a sheer curtain. You had truly hoped he wasn't going to revert back to the beast that held you captive. But you were wrong, and post the revelation of the real reason he had taken you, he’d been far more brutal and cruel than he had with you before, something you’d thought was impossible. And he’d broken you for a second time, or so you’d let him think. Desperate to escape his clutches, you’d done the only thing you could- you’d killed him. Whilst you may not have held the knife, you’d arranged it all. And, even though it had been an absolute last resort, you’d be lying if you said there hadn’t been a satisfaction to watching him bleed out and choke on his own blood. The realisation that had clouded his arrogantly handsome features as he came to understand it was your doing would be forever etched into your brain. That said, it made you feel a little bit queasy when you thought about how taking someone’s life could make you feel a sick sense of pleasure. The nightmares had plagued you for months after. The torture which sleep brought you only ceased around the time things were settled within the system between you and his parents. With a deep sigh and the need for distraction, you set about some spot cleaning in between loads of laundry and by early afternoon you had settled in on your couch with a beer and your latest box set binge. Not two episodes in and your phone pinged next to you.

With a smirk, you snapped a photo of your beer bottle in your hand and a few moments later his response came through.

The angel made you laugh, a direct reference to his teasing before. But before you could reply, you got another text with simply saying “fuck it” along with a picture of a tumblr of whiskey on his desk. With a snort you replied

With a smile you tossed your phone down onto the seat beside you, and resumed your watching.

***** Andy was kidding when he playfully said he'd be there by 6:45, fully intending on their agreed upon 6:30. But, he was late. He'd been so involved with his brief that he'd lost track, and for the first time since meeting her, was late for a meet up with Y/N. She was fully understanding as he'd text her apologizing for the time as he'd rushed out of the office and quickly headed for Pearl Street. He'd gotten very lucky with close parking and literally stepped inside Oskar's Taproom promptly at 6:45. He found Y/N sitting at the bar, her hair down, a nicely fitted black tee and skinny denim jeans, her foot tapping against her bar stool in waiting. Next to her was an empty stool and a full, cold looking tall pilsner on the bar, saving his space.

"Hey," he said as he leaned into her, a gentle hand on her back, getting her attention.

Y/N startled a bit but realized it was Andy and grinned, "'bout time! I was going to get started on yours without you." She nodded to the cold beer.  “I’m so sorry.” He shook his head, “I just got caught up.” "Well, you haven't stood me up yet, so I trusted you'd show." “And I did tell you 6:45 before. You know, on account of you being a cheeky little shit.” She rolled her eyes at him, "whatever." She smirked. He slid onto the stool next to her and took a long pull of his beer, damned it tasted good. He gave an appreciative sigh and turned to her. “So, do anything much this afternoon?” "I did absolutely nothing, well nothing of importance. Talked to my mom, did laundry, you know nothing exciting." “To be honest, sounds like a pretty good afternoon.” He chuckled. “Sometimes there’s nothing better than laying in front of the TV with no where you have to be.” "Cheers to that," she raised her glass to him. He clinked his with hers and returned the smile she had. The blues band that was set to play happy hour was starting to tune up and it gave Andy an idea. "What do you say we find a spot in the patio, little less noise." “Sounds good.” She nodded. Andy flagged the bartender down for another round to take with them. But before Y/N could pick up her glass, Andy took it for her and gestured with her head for her to go on in front. She looked a little surprised at his act of basic good manners, and not for the first time. He'd often seen her look at him in a similar way when he held doors open for her or helped her with her jacket. It made him wonder what kind of asshole Drysdale had been. But, then again, he got the impression it hadn’t been a particularly happy relationship to start. Not that it was any of his business, nor was he one to talk. The last seven months he’d been married to Laurie had been as strained as they'd ever got. They found a spot at a two top near the corner of the patio at the gate that separated it from the sidewalk. Andy waited for Y/N to sit before he set their glasses on the high top table and took his own seat. "So...much better," he leaned in across the table. "Love this place, but it's not always the best for conversation." “Yeah but it has a good atmosphere.” She smiled. “I like it. Not the type of place that-“ she stopped dead and took a deep breath. “Doesn’t matter.” He half smiled, "you know, I've been meaning to tell you, it's okay to talk to me about anything you want. No pressure, no strings. Just a friendly ear." She smiled. “I know, thanks. And the same goes for you too.” For the first time, an interesting silence came between them. They each sipped their drinks in an almost a mirrored like fashion and chuckled when through. "I think that's the first time we've ever not had something to say." Y/N shrugged. He nodded, and then she took a deep breath. “I was just gonna say its not the type of place Ransom would ever have taken me. He’d have thought it beneath him.” "I think that's the first time you've ever mentioned his name." He pointed out. "Yeah, I try not to. It's uh," he watched her as she struggled to start her story, playing nervously with the earring in her ear. "Complicated." He leaned on the table, his forearms crossed and supporting his weight. He wanted her to know she had his full attention. “Well, from what I know about him, which granted is only what I saw on the news or heard around Boston, he certainly enjoyed the finer things in life.” "That's one way of looking at." She chuckled dryly. "It wasn't an easy marriage, despite how short lived." "Well, I was with Laurie since law school and we still had our ups and downs. I don't think marriage is easy in general." Andy admitted. "I was with Ransom less than nine months before we got married. It, uh, lasted three weeks."

Andy paused, “okay, so granted Laurie and I were a whirlwind what with her falling pregnant so fast but... I’ll give you that one.” “A whirlwind?” She asked and Andy nodded. “Yeah, we hadn’t even been together a year when she got pregnant with Jake. Not gonna lie, I shit myself but...” he sighed, swallowing. “Well, he was worth it.” "I'm sure he was." She nodded. Andy cleared his throat. “He was a good kid, despite what he, well what he was accused of.” “I can’t even begin to imagine how that felt, for any of you.” She said gently. “Fucking shit.” He said bluntly. She blinked and then the pair of them laughed quietly. "I'm sorry, Andy. And I mean that in all sincerity." He sighed and gave a soft little smile. “Thanks. You know, for the most part it’s just happy memories. But then sometimes it’s hard...” he trailed off shaking his head, “but of course you’ll know that.” “Suppose so.” She shrugged. “I doubt our marriage was anything near as loving as yours. I, uh...well, Ransom was mentally abusive, very controlling. Getting married wasn't exactly what I'd wanted but, I felt trapped in a way." She paused as he listened intently. "I guess it's harder to explain than I thought." She bit her lip and then shook her head. “Then the asshole went and got himself killed.” "I hate that you had to witness that." She shrugged and her finger swiped at the condensation on the outside of her half empty beer glass. “It was a year ago today.” “Jesus fucking Christ.” Andy shook his head in shock as he took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry.” “I’m not.” She sighed. “And I know that probably sounds awful but... I don’t mourn him, I can’t. Not after everything. I’m just glad to be away and out of it. Fuck, that makes me sound like a really cold hearted bitch.” She scrunched her nose and chuckled a bit. Andy cocked his head to one side, studying her face which was, despite what she said, laced with sadness and he took a deep breath. There was more to her story than she was telling him, he could see that, but he had his own secrets too. And he found himself realising he didn’t care. Moving away post the accident that claimed Jake and later Laurie’s life had been a way for him to leave all that shit behind. And she was trying to do the same. “Okay, let’s make a deal.” He leaned forward. “No reverse gear. We look forward and not back, at least not at the hard stuff.” It took a moment for her to process it, and Andy watched her expression behind her eyes as he did so. Then she smiled, "deal." Andy smiled as she reached for her beer. He watched her pretty face as she drained her glass, setting it down in the table before she leaned towards him. “Have you eaten? Because I’ve suddenly got a hankering for something greasy and very bad for me.” “Sounds like someone I used to work with.” Andy shot before he could stop himself and Y/N threw her head back in a loud laugh. “Lawyers for you.” “Hey, not all of us are jerks.” He pouted and she shrugged. “Jury’s out.” She winked. At that Andy raised his brows, downed the rest of his pint and then stood up. “Something dirty and greasy that isn’t an attorney coming up, I’ll grab us a menu.” They each ordered a greasy, filthy cheeseburger with all the fixings and two smaller beers a piece to go with it. They moved their conversation away from their pasts and talked music as the band played some songs they were familiar with. Y/N finding the perfect moment to joke with Andy again about his age versus hers, despite it being maybe seven or eight years. Neither seemed to mind.  Again, when the bill came, Andy slapped his card down before Y/N even had a chance to grab her wallet, which caused him to laugh loudly at her pout. “You’ll just have to get it next time.” “Oh," she smirked, "so that’s your game? You paid, so I owe you a next time?” He shrugged. “Would that be such a bad thing?” She bit her lip and grinned with a shake of her head. “No, not really.” “Good, I’ll hold you to that. And, as a lawyer I feel obliged to tell you that’s a legally recognised verbal contract.” “Uh, I’m sure there’s a rule that a social agreement made between friends is done so without an intention of being enforceable.” Y/N shot back and Andy felt his mouth curl up on a little surprised smirk. “Therefore no intent, no legal comeback. Your move, Counselor.” He laughed and shook his head. “Nope, I got nothing.” “In that case, I call recess.” She grinned. “Oh faahk off with the legal puns!” Andy snorted and once more she laughed as they stood up, their night at an end. He walked behind Y/N with a gentle hand on her back as she weaved through the tables on the patio, eventually ending up on the sidewalk out front.

"Thanks, for breakfast, dinner, drinks," Y/N shook her head, feigning annoyance. Andy smirked, "thanks for meeting me. You're not walking home are you?" "I can, it's not far." She replied, folding her arms over her chest.

"Absolutely not, I'll take you," he nodded his head in the direction in which his car was. He gave a small wink when she accepted his offer. He held the door open for you as you slid into the passenger seat of his Audi TT. You quickly realized that this was the first time you'd been in his car and the very first time he would see your doorstep. However, the thought of both those things didn't bother you one bit. In fact, you found yourself more comfortable than you'd expected.

All in all the drive was no more than five minutes, and if he hadn’t been going that way already, you’d have felt like a complete fraud, but he assured you it was on his way.

You helped yourself out but Andy waited for you around the front hood and walked you to your doorstep, lit by the lantern porch light your Home Owners Association contract insisted be up. "So, this is me," you sighed. Andy had his hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans and he rocked a little on his heels as he waited for you to open your front door. When you'd opened it, he scratched behind his neck and said, "so I'll see you Monday?" "Yeah," you agreed. He turned to go but you called out to him, "Hey, Andy?" He quickly turned back to you, his one foot on your stoop, the other the next step down, "yeah?" In a sudden moment of courage, you stood on your toes and placed a soft kiss to his cheek. His smooth cheek and the slightly rough yet softer than anticipated scratch of those dark whiskers, intermittent speckled with auburn, felt amazing against your lips. And fuck, did he smell amazing. Which you knew already from the tight and friendly hugs he'd seemed to start giving you. The first hit of his aftershave was always the same, dominated by a white-out of bergamot and pepper, a bright flash of sweet, dewy citrus that is both crisp and clean, underpinned by a freshness that was both light and gentle and completely different to the heavy sandalwood based fragrance you’d grown so used to. It was brief, but when you pulled back, you gave a content huff, “Huh.” “What?” He was clearly puzzled. “Your beard. It’s kinda soft.” “What? What the hell did you expect?” He laughed. “I dunno, maybe a toilet brush type bristle.” “You kiss a lot of toilet brushes Y/N?” “Try not to.” She winked. “Thanks again, Andy. I enjoyed today.” He chuckled and shook his head as he watched you turn back to your door and finally stepped inside your home. Before you closed the door, you turned back, noticing he was watching you go in. "Bye."

"Goodnight, Y/N."

**** Chapter 2

[bonky-n-steeb]

𝐵𝑅𝐸𝐴𝑇𝐻𝐸

𝙿𝙰𝚁𝚃 𝙾𝙽𝙴

𝘿𝘼𝙍𝙆!𝘽𝙐𝘾𝙆𝙔 𝘽𝘼𝙍𝙉𝙀𝙎 𝙭 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍 | 𝙈𝙊𝘽!𝙎𝙏𝙀𝙑𝙀 𝙍𝙊𝙂𝙀𝙍𝙎 𝙓 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍

𝗦𝗨𝗠𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗬: Your life is as good as it gets. The perfect husband, the perfect daughter, the perfect job. But what you are unaware is that your husband is a deadly assassin and your long-lost friend, now a fearsome mob boss is hell bent on getting you back. But what you don’t know can't hurt you, right?

𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦: psychological disorder, PTSD, domestic abuse, yandere, obsession, violence, cursing. If you find any of this triggering please DNI. Also inform me if I left something out.

ᴛʜɪs ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ʙᴇᴛᴀ ʀᴇᴀᴅ, sᴏ ᴀʟʟ ᴍɪsᴛᴀᴋᴇs ᴀʀᴇ ᴍʏ ᴏᴡɴ

Oh, lawd! i have to post everything again! Send me all your energy. If you wanna be tagged, just inform me!

Also, I’ll be changing the story by a little, (or by a lot, idk) from my previous version.

You were feeling like John Travolta from the music video of Stayin’ Alive. Vibing to your own rhythm, living your own freedom. Attending college miles away from your hometown, you were the captain of your ship. Though you loved your parents more than anything, you were glad for the freedom granted upon you.

Your Freshmen year had just begun and you had already made a few friends. But what you didn’t want to accept just yet was your crush on one of them, Bucky. With his steely blue eyes and boyish charm, even a goddess might fall for him, and you were just a mortal. You were simply happy with being friends as you believed he would never like you and well, a little crush never hurt nobody.  

Completing your shift in a local bookstore, just outside the campus, you were walking back, lost in your own thoughts. What caught your attention was a group of howling high schoolers; from the look of it, they were barely a year to two younger than you. A group of tall and popular kids were bullying a skinny, helpless dude; ufff the usual cliché you thought to yourself. What you failed to notice though was his bleeding nose.  

You were a kind soul, always helping others, but you were no fool. All alone in an unknown town, you weren't going to confront the burly teens who were twice your own size. After giggling and cracking some stupid jokes on the poor dude trying to impress a girl, they left him and that’s when you noticed all the blood. You quickly crossed the road and walked towards him. He seemed smaller than he was as he was crouching down and trying to rub all the blood.

“Hey! Pinch your nose, don’t disturb it by rubbing.” you said while bending down. “Uhh, okay... thanks!” he looked at you with big doe eyes and you were utterly mesmerized by the blue oceans he had for his eyes. “Do you.. Do you need something else kid? Where do you live?” you asked giving him a candy and your water bottle. “I’m no kid!” he exclaimed and you flinched.  

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. You are helping me and here I am shouting at you.” You could clearly see remorse in his eyes and you wondered why would someone hurt him? “yeah, yeah.. It's Okay... now have this candy, the sugar will help you feel better.” you said with a soft smile. “thank you so much... and by the way I live two streets across. I mean I can go by myself, I'm a grown-up.. But...” he trailed off and you helped him get up.

“I’m Steve” he tried his best to smile and you followed by sharing your own name. And with that his chatter train began, he explained that he was just trying to help another girl getting bullied, when the bullies decided to change their target and chase Steve instead.

“you should wear your own mask first and then help others wear theirs.” you quipped and instantly bit your tongue. “Hmm, what?” he asked genuinely curious. “what I meant is that you did what is correct and very brave, but sometimes you gotta think for yourself too. But these are just my thoughts.” you shrugged. “I’ll remember that.” he said with a genuine expression. And after a million thank yous he finally went in his house. By the size of his house, he seemed rich and you wondered maybe this wasn't that cliché.  

☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎

The next day, you were walking back the same road, when you thought of Steve. He really was a kind and sweet person. This world needed more of people like him. And just then you saw him smiling brightly and waving at you, his nose bandaged. He had a huge box in his hand.

“Heyyyyy! Thank you for helping me yesterday. So I just... kinda got this as a ... a token of appreciation. I considered you might like donuts, so I got you this.” He said rubbing his nape. His cheeks had become so red he looked like a ripe tomato. “well, if you haven’t already given me diabetes by saying so many thank yous, after eating sooo many donuts I’ll surely get it.” At that you both chuckled and the atmosphere became lighter. As you picked a donut, he looked at you with such admiration you thought you would melt then and there.

Suddenly with a stern expression you asked “what if it’s drugged?” His eyes widened and he stuttered, “I... I would never do that ...” he looked down and you thought he might cry. “hey waittt.. don’t get so sad.. I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry. I was just joking. I have this really bad habit of saying things when I shouldn’t. God I just ruined everything.” You just made a mental note not to joke around him, he seemed to be quite emotional. Though it was going to be difficult to tame your tongue. “don’t be. I just take things too literally.... anyway let’s have some donuts what say?” He said with such shine in his eyes you wondered whether he was sad just a moment before.

You both walked up to your university campus, munching on donuts. You both shared things about yourselves. You told him how you were passionate in becoming a doctor. He on the other hand talked about his struggles in studying. “will you help me? You are so smart and bright, will you help me study if I have a doubt or something?” he asked giving his big doe eyes.

You weren’t going to agree at first, you had just met him a day ago. But after looking in those calm blue pools of his eyes you agreed. Seeing the joy on his face, you wondered whether he just won an Oscar.

What you didn’t know was that Steve had already fallen in love with you, yes love, he was convinced that you were the one for him, his one true love. Not a moment had he been able to think of anything but you since he had met you. You were everything he needed and wanted and much more. He was simply desperate to spend more time with you.

☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎

It had been around six months since you met Steve. Over the time you two had turned out to be best friends. While Steve had fallen even more in love with you, you had fallen hopelessly in love with bucky. While you always told bucky about Steve and vice versa, you never confessed to Steve about your love for Bucky, thus furthermore increasing his hopes. You desperately wished to make Steve and Bucky meet. They were two important people in your life and you more than anything wished that they got together well.  

Today was the day when you decided to arrange a small meet and greet at the park where you and Steve met every day. You and Bucky walked together towards the tree where you usually sat with Steve waiting there for you. You knew both would like each other, but somewhere deep within your gut you were getting a not-so good feeling about this.  

Steve’s eyes lit up seeing you but as they turned to Bucky, it felt as if all the energy had been sucked out of him. You didn’t like that one bit. “Bucky!?” Steve exclaimed in half disappointment and half fear. “You both... you both know each other?” you ask bewildered. You tried chuckling to lighten the mood but by the looks of it they were sworn enemies, but you prayed that you were wrong. “yeah, we know each other a little too well... Uh... We were good friends once.” Steve quietly admitted.

All this time Bucky had his jaw clenched, dragging in a deep breath he began. “I knew it! I knew it would be you, you little fucker! You want to have everything don’t you? Goddammit! I had this feeling it was you but I thought it was too much of a coincidence, but no. fate had to be so cruel.” you were shocked to see Bucky's sudden outburst. You wondered what conspired between the two, as either hadn’t ever mentioned the other.  

You were snapped out of your thoughts with Bucky calling your name. “let’s go. I don’t want to see him even for a minute more and neither do you.” Bucky started pulling your hand but you stopped him “Bucky no. I guess you have some misunderstanding; Steve is a good person. And you don’t get to tell me who to talk to and who to not.”

Suddenly Bucky turned back to Steve, anger written all over his face. “You didn’t tell her, huh, did you? Don’t worry I'll tell her. Steve is the son of Joseph Rogers and he is the freaking Don Corleone of this area. Do you know how my father died? Steve’s father had him killed just because unknowingly he provided shelter to his father’s fugitive. Steve just pretends to be a caring, emotional person but he is a snake behind that mask, so is everyone in his family.” towards the end Bucky was in tears and you were in utter shock. Now that you tried to remember, Steve never really did tell you much about his family. And the fact that Steve wasn’t denying any single allegation made you want to puke your guts out.

“You have taken too much from me. But not this. Not her. Not the woman I love more than anything.” Bucky said it out loud in the heat of the moment. You were too dumbstruck to even blink. Did Bucky just confess that he loved you?  

Bucky turned to you and held your arm with such softness you wondered if he was just now screaming his lungs out at Steve. “I know I can't tell you who to be with, and I promise I never will in the future, but trust me you want to be caught up with him or his family. And still, if you choose him, well then, I can’t be with you.”

You knew you had to make a choice then and there, there was no going back, and you chose Bucky.

[rafesgfs]

i do

Warning: language, major character death, violence, angst

Word count: 3.4k

Summary: Soulmate AU where the last words you will ever hear from your soulmate is written on your wrist so you won't know it's them until you've lost them.

Staring at the words on your wrist, you held back another sigh, tracing the black ink with your finger, dread and sadness washing over you. You shuddered at the words, unable to rid of the lump in your throat.

I do.

Born with the words on your wrist, no one knew when they would meet their soulmates, unknown to who your other half was until they died. It was cruel, knowing the last thing they'll say to you would cause you immense pain. Horror stories stemmed from the agonies of other's pain, movies made out of the tales that would become famous.

Some, those who were protective of their hearts, buried themselves away from others, but fate always led them to their soulmate. No matter how short the time would be stretching from the duration of your life to a single second before you'd lose them. The best outcome to happen was when two lovers let go, and spend their lives together, to die at when they were to, finding out they had spent their lives with their one and only. That possibility was becoming more and more realistic with modern technology and wishful thinking.

Yet, there was some tragedies. The unfortunate ones would have their sentences written on their wrist, knowing they'd only know their soulmate for a short time, or not at all. “It's nice to meet you.” "What's your name?" "Can I get your number?" "Sounds like a date." Not knowing them at all was, to most, was worse than to know them at all.

A few rare situations when your soulmate would die young. Parents told horror stories, reading the words off their kid's wrist. "We're playing dodgeball in gym!" "I didn't do my math homework." "You can come to my birthday party. I'm turning seven next week!"

Then there were the most terrifying stories. They were the ones turned into thrillers, a real life story turned into a disrespectful horror movie. They'd lose each other, aware there was nothing they could do. "I thought you locked the door." "I don't think we're alone." "Behind you!" "Someone's in the house."

Thankful none of the situations applied to you, you still couldn't get the words branded in your wrist out of your head. It lingered, whispering the last words before your heart would be torn, only healed when death came for you. Some looked on the positive side, knowing meeting their soulmate was inevitable.

Natasha broke you out of your reverie as she tackled you down on the mat, leaving you breathless at the sudden attack, confused to how you've become acquaintances with the ground. You spit your hair out, grimacing in disgust as a few strays stuck to your lips. With your hands tied behind your back, and crushed against the former assassin's body, you turned your attention on her smug smile, glaring daggers.

"Okay, get off before Tony pictures us scissoring again." you grunted, too tired to push her off of you. Natasha laughed, letting your wrists go as she shifted her weight off of you, sitting next to you on the thick mat. You rolled onto your back, closing your eyes in exhaustion. "That was unnecessary, Nat."

Spending the day at the gym with Natasha seemed like a good idea after being beaten by Clint the day before. You knew you were getting rusty, without all the life threatening missions and people to save, your skills wasn't needed. Besides, you loved yourself too much for Steve to convince you to join him on his suicide runs. He woke up before the sun rose, and it only took a few runs to realize that even you couldn't keep up with his fast pace. ("Although, I would love to see his fast pace in the bedroom. Ow, Sam!")

After tying the score—despite the lack of training, you and Natasha still tied when it came to hand to hand combat—you had sat down on the bench, which was now sweaty, and sulked, sighing over the words written on your wrist.

Natasha rolled her eyes, leaning on her elbows as she eyed your expression, eyes narrowing when you didn't return her smile. "What's with the sad face? Are you thinking about your soulmate mark again?"

"You know I only allow myself to think about it once every other month." you replied. Natasha made a noise in respond but you ignored it. "Shut up, I know I'm pathetic. No need to voice your opinions."

"You're not pathetic, just compassionate." she whispered, her eyes sparkling with remembrance. Natasha had lost her soulmate on a mission a few years before the Avengers were formed, but it didn't stop her from living her life. You hoped you could follow her path when the horrid time came. "Out of curiosity, if you had to guess, do you think you've met your soulmate by now?"

You've given it much thought, coming up with a good theory that even Tony Stark would be impressed by. Of course, you didn't share it with anyone, giving Nat the simplified version of it. "With the amount of people I've met, I like to think so."

The playful smirk returned to her lips, a wiggle of her eyebrows as she digested your words. "And do you think a certain blond, big-hearted, super soldier might be it?"

You reached for the nearest water bottle, throwing it at her only to have it hit the wall behind her as she dodged it. Natasha laughed, putting distance between you, sensing an attack. You scowled at her but it lacked real annoyance. "Oh my, God. I have, like, the smallest crush on him and you're already planning our children's proms."

"I'm thinking: under the sea." Natasha joked, grinning when the corner of your lips curled up. The both of you burst out laughing, thinking about Natasha in a ridiculous kid-friendly dress as she chaperoned yours and Steve's future offsprings.

As if summoned, Steve chose that moment to enter the training room, freezing in his tracks when he saw you and Natasha cackling. His expression made Natasha double back into another round of laughter while yours subsided in giggles. Steve cleared his throat, looking down as a slight blush decorated his face.

He murmured your name, walking up towards you, his blue eyes eyeing the ground with too much interest. "Did you hear about the party Tony is making all of us go to?"

Natasha stopped laughing immediately, jaw clenching at Tony's betrayal. They had a truce where Natasha would stop hacking into his system to play Spice Girls—with the help of Bruce, of course—and Tony was to stop throwing parties every month. It's been three months since the last party, the one where Natasha has almost killed the billionaire. Tony couldn't hold off any longer. She stood. "I'm going to kill him."

Before either of you could get a word in, Natasha was already out the door, her stance deadly as Tony Stark awaited his death. The door slammed close behind her as Steve sat down beside you on the mat, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

You admired his ruffled hair, blond strands hanging down on his forehead. You had mentioned to him that he looked sexier with his long hair, and it seemed like he was following your advice. Dressed in a simple black t-shirt and gray sweatpants, Steve Rogers was every girl's waking fantasy. It truly was unfair how good he could look in sweats.

"Hey." you greeted, smiling sweetly at him. Being happy around Steve was as easy as giving Pepper Potts presents. He returned the smile, grinning from ear to ear as he looked away, his cheeks reddening even more. "What can I do for you, Stevie?"

"Thor wanted to have some kind of Asgardian contest that may or may not level the top floor. I thought you might want to do something else, have a peaceful night instead of risking our lives to one of Thor's games?" he asked sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

Not letting excitement cloud your senses, you grew cautious, eyes narrowing as you looked around the room, trying to search for a hidden camera that would allow Tony to get you back from ruining his thousand-dollar crocs. Steve Rogers was not asking you out in no way.

Steve saw your expression, quickly backing off. "Only if you want to. I'm sure you missed Thor and all. It's okay, I can suffer a few third degree burns—"

"No!" you shouted, making Steve flinch at the suddenness. You cleared your throat, cheeks heating up. "Uh, I mean, yeah. I wouldn't mind missing the party. Where did you plan on going?"

Slightly surprised, a smile crept on his lips. He ran a hand across his face to hide the cheeky grin. "Wherever you want to go."

You threw him a smile, unhealthily giddy. If Clint were here to comment, he'd compare you to a happy school girl with a massive crush. "Oh. Okay."

A voice interrupted the short silence, scaring both you and Steve. You suspected the AI, Friday, had been invested in your conversation. "If I may make a suggestion, I advise you both to leave sometime in the next hour before Mr. Stark ropes you in. I'm inclined to think Mr. Stark won't be above blackmail."

"Thank you, Friday." you murmured. The AI said it's goodbye, far too amused for your liking.

Steve got up, offering his hand for you. Both of you were smiling like idiots, cheeks hurting from the too-big smiles that adorned your faces. You had a suspicion you somewhat embodied a clown. The super-solider kept his hand wrapped around yours. "Would you like to leave at this moment, or get changed?"

You shook your head, liking the warmth of his touch. "I'm good. Let's leave."

Steve Rogers was a gentleman, that was confirmed by his acts and the influence of being raised right. Despite that fact, he was a savage in the bedroom. Or half the time, out of the bedroom. You had been surprised, yet pleased, when you fell into his bed halfway through the second unofficial date. After that night, Steve finally built the courage to ask you to be his girlfriend—a term he found silly but otherwise a happy milestone.

After years of being friends, Steve was ready to begin the rest of your lives together. No one was surprised, besides you, that he had proposed three months after the first official date. Being head over heels, you excitedly agreed, only to blanch when Tony started a petition to let him plan the wedding with you. Pepper had stopped him.

No one knew what happened the night of Thor's and Tony's party. Though, Steve made a smart choice to ditch it when you both found a floor of the tower littered with blackened metals and slightly burnt walls. The team wouldn't speak of the incident, not that neither you or Steve cared. You had both been too jubilant to interrogate them.

The wedding day came. Steve had been stopped by Thor, failing to sneak into the room you were in. No matter how strong he was, Thor wouldn't allow any bad luck to happen especially after you had lied to him about naming your firstborn after him. Steve tried, and failed, to tell him you weren't going to name his son after the God of Thunder. Bucky was too busy arguing with Sam about the flower decoration to help out Thor.

Dressed in the lavender bridesmaid dress, Natasha burst into the room, a smile adorning her face. She had thanked you multiple times for not dressing her in those ugly dresses she had seen on Pinterest. "You getting cold feet yet?"

"Mine are toasty warm." you mumbled, hands trembling at the thought of declaring your love in front of a crowd. You wondered if it was too late to get ear plugs so no one would hear all the gooey, cheesy vows you would utter to Steve.

"Very convincing." Natasha teased, taking a shot of the wine laid out on the table. Placing the flute down, she eyed the door, prepared to attack Steve if he managed to get away from Thor. "Alright, what're you worried about?"

You bit your lip, messing up the fresh layer of lip gloss Pepper had put on. Glancing out the window, you saw the crowd settling down in there chairs. The anxiety built up inside you. "Um, falling down the aisle. Accidentally saying the wrong name. Messing up in my vows. Dying of embarrassment."

"You'll be great, I promise. No one's going to die. You won't trip because Tony wouldn't let you. You won't say the wrong name because Steve's is practically implanted in your brain and you'll be too busy staring into his ocean blue eyes that you won't mess up. Now, are you still worried?" she asked, laughing when you managed to trip over your wedding dress.

"If anything, Tony's going to purposely trip me." you muttered, tempted to take a swig of some liquid courage, but the fetus in you held you back. The ceremony would start soon, and being too nervous, you hadn't eaten any breakfast. It was probably a good thing considering the nausea you were feeling. Why call it morning sickness when it didn't happen in the morning?

"You're being paranoid, everything will be great." she sighed, turning to the window, staring directly at the green hybrid. The Bruce and Natasha thing was unsurprising but kind of weird, especially with the whole sex thing. You had gagged at the thought of Bruce trying to fit inside of Natasha, and stopped altogether. "I'll be right back, I gotta do something."

She left the room before you could address her, groaning when she left a tiny crack in the door. Natasha knew how much it annoyed you when people left the door open when you originally had it closed. Heaving a sigh, you went to close the door, only to be met by a small force. Steve stuck his head through opening, his worried frown turning into a dazzling grin as he spotted you.

Without a word, he took you in his arms, his hand cupping your cheek as he pressed a quick kiss on your lips. You smiled into the kiss, closing the door behind him as your arms wrapped around his neck.

You pulled away, wiping the lip gloss smeared across his lips. Steve did the same, smirking at his handy work. "Hello, Mrs. Rogers. How do you feel?"

"Like I want to tangle myself around you in every way possible." you whispered, pressing another kiss to his lips. Steve chuckled, his thumb drawing small circles on your back. "How about you, Husband?"

"I've been waiting for this day for a very long time. You can't imagine how jovial I am." said Steve. He gave your nose a quick peck, and you giggled. "I know it's suppose to be bad luck to see the bride before the ceremony but I couldn't bear it."

Giggling, you pulled him closer, your lips meeting his neck as you sucked softly at the sensitive skin. "Hmm, I can't wait until I'm officially yours. Do you think we have time for a quickie? It'd really help with my wedding nerves."

Steve laughed, but the sound came out a little breathless. Even with the thickness of the wedding gown, you could feel him on your hip, smirking when he shifted. "While that's a very tempting offer, both Natasha and Pepper would kill me for ripping apart this beautiful dress."

"But Steve—" your whine was cut off by Natasha pulling Steve out of your arms.

The redhead glared at him, pushing him towards the opened door. "You, out, now."

"I'll see you—" Steve began to say, only to be cut off when the door slammed in his face. Natasha turned to turn her death stare on you.

"Look at your makeup. I can't believe he snuck in here with Thor on his ass." Natasha complained, pushing you towards the vanity, quickly applying the tube of lip gloss on your lips. You blinked back the tears as she practically poke your eye with the mascara wand, trying to fix Steve's touch on your slightly smeared mascara. "You look like you're going to puke."

You shook your head, taking a deep breath. "I'm good. Where's Tony?"

"Right here." he answered, entering with a velvet box in his hand. The billionaire set it down on the vanity before eyeing your stance. "Wow, you look ..."

"Like I'm gonna throw up all over Steve's suit?" you finished, panic rising.

"I was going to say gorgeous but now that you mention it, you do look a little green." he teased, earning himself a nudge from Natasha. Tony rubbed his ribs. "If you want to ditch, I have the car running in case you want to make a quick getaway."

You rolled your eyes, wishing you hadn't let him talk you into such a big wedding. All you wished at the moment was to take Steve with you and elope. "Thanks for the offer but I'm good. Let's get this over with."

"And here I thought you weren't romantic." Tony joked, handing you the bouquet of flowers.

Natasha checked her watch, the music audible. Morgan, the flower girl was already walking down the aisle along with Pepper's nephew on her heels. The former assassin opened the door, grinning. "Wait a few seconds before you follow me."

And with that, she walked down the short hall before stepping outside, the aisle was cleared by flowers adorning the sides. Weeping willow branches hung down from the huge tree, creating an illusion of fantasy, the little arch at the end of the aisle was created of leaves and even more colorful flowers. You were surprised no one was sneezing with the amount of pollen.

You took Tony's arm, taking another deep breath. Looking at him, you swore he was a bit proud. He smiled at you. "I hope you know I take full credit for the union of your two souls."

Ignoring his mini jab, you raised an eyebrow. "And how so?"

"There was never a party." he informed, grinning cheekily. He pulled you towards the opened door, walking down the hall. "I made it all up so Rogers would get the balls to finally ask you out."

"Then what the hell happened to the tower?" you asked, confused. People were beginning to stand but your curiosity became more important than your nerves.

Tony winked. "That's for me to know, and for you to dot dot dot."

"God, you're such a nerd." you mumbled, turning your attention ahead as your feet hit the white carpet that moonlighted as the aisle. The nerves began to bubble, and you gripped his arm tighter in fear of falling face first.

The ceremony was a blur, Steve just as nervous as you had been, becoming more and more braver as he spoke his vows. By the end of it, you could barely see him through the tears brimming your eyes. If it wasn't for the waterproof makeup, you were sure you would've cried your face off.

You had just finished your vows when the priest had asked if you would gladly wed the man in front of you for the rest of forever. You whispered a soft "I do."

The priest turned to Steve, the super-soldier happy beyond belief. He asked him the previous question he had asked you. Yet, Steve, being eager, had almost cut him off near the end.

His eyes bored into yours, filled with love and warmth. "I do."

Then everything turned black.

You awoke in the Medbay, needles puncturing your arm, a tube tied to your nose. Every single inch of your skin hurt, your eyelids heavy as you opened your eyes, only to close them once again when the bright fluorescents shone. You felt someone squeeze your hand, a finger brushing along your wrist.

Turning your head, you glance at the person, finding out it was Tony. While he was relieved you were awake, something in his eyes made you believe he wished he had more time to prepare you for the worst. At the moment he uttered those words, you wished your ears had been damaged in whatever hell Hydra had dropped on your wedding.

"Steve's dead."

[uncurlinglikeflowers]

Dedicated To The Queer Baby Me That Deserved The World

Without realizing how desperately it needed to happen, my therapy journey in the last year has really revolved around comforting little baby queer Travis, who deserved SO much better.

The little boy who spent most elementary school recesses off alone on the brink of crying. Wondering why I don’t want to play football with the other boys. Why I’m so terrified of being friends with girls considering the boys would probably bully me relentlessly for being surrounded by female friends. Why almost every single day during ‘quiet time’ in 1st grade my teacher was trying to comfort a crying me who just felt so awful and lonely. Why I would sneak away to my room during holidays to be alone and cry and have borderline panic attacks.

Why I missed nearly an entire month of 8th grade because I was home sick absolutely TERRIFIED of going back to school. Plot twist, it was anxiety, depression, loneliness, and deep self-hatred, not a lingering cold or flu. 

Tell me why the guidance counselor pulled me into his office while I waited in the car for my mom to get my homework and after trying for all of about 30 seconds to see if there was something wrong, sent me back to class for the first time in about a month and never spoke to me again? Or that teacher that saw me crying every day but never thought there might be a deeper reason?

See, on the outside you might see me as this super confident queer that’s fully comfortable with themselves and doesn’t care what anyone thinks. While there’s a sliver of truth with that sometimes, I’m still working on being happy and content with myself fully. 

I still catch myself watering down my queerness to tables at work lest they tip me less. Unless I’m with my friends, I often feel like everyone in the world is staring at me because of the way I dress, act, walk, talk, etc etc etc. When I’m actually dating a boy, (lmao it’s been a while) I still walk with the fear that holding his hand could awaken a violent hatred in a stranger and the one I love as well as myself could become a target. 

Despite being better off as an American queer than in other countries, I still get to have my very life still constantly in the hands of our government who have proven time and time again that they don’t care about me and my queer family. Still, I’m told to be grateful. Trust and believe, I’m grateful for the queers before me that paved the way, but it’s a disgusting thing to tell someone that they shouldn’t be fighting for more. Because I haven’t been arrested or murdered for being queer I should accept the bare minimum and move on? 

Please, go right ahead and ignore the trauma that still dwells within me and the vast majority of queer people. For all of us that never felt good enough for just about anyone or anything for a good chunk of our lives. You think that coming out suddenly erases all of that? That seeing a multi-billion dollar corporation trying to sell me a tacky rainbow version of their product is supposed to make me feel seen, heard, loved, and respected when they’re the very ones with the power to continue to oppress me?

Despite the negative (though extremely valid) tone of this post thus far, these things need to be said. I don’t know how else to get allies to actually stand up and advocate for us instead of just telling us to buy rainbow shit and continuing to ignore our pleas to vote and support us and tell us that you love us and are proud of us. So many of us never loved ourselves and have never felt proud of who we are because we never felt the validity that comes from kindness and understanding of our identities. 

We continue to NEED pride because of the euphoria that comes from being surrounded by others like us that know what it’s like to feel like you have no place in the world simply because of who you love, what you look like, or how you identify yourself. I’ve danced with strangers at pride and felt more love from them then some people I’ve known my entire life. 

To give a slight visual break in this otherwise paragraph heavy post, here are some reasons I need my queer family and pride:

-The Kindergarten teacher that reached out via fb messenger to tell me she’d be a bad Christian if she didn’t reach out to tell me how wrong being queer is, thus making me reconsider my entire childhood.

-The fact that until about 4 years ago I legitimately 100% did not think I would live to age 30 because I would have killed myself by then

-The family member that told me it’s my own fault that my mom didn’t know I was gay because I didn’t tell her before she died when I didn’t even know who I was, wondered why he doesn’t get a straight pride, and said my fear post-Pulse was invalid because he could get shot at any bar on any night. Oh, and that I use being gay as a ‘crutch.’

-The aunt who argued with me through fb on the day marriage equality was passed and proceeded to tag other grown men in the post who rambled on about how disgusting gay people are to which she said nothing.

-The family member that laughed as they told me they punched a gay man when they were young for hitting on them... a story which they later told again with laughter to me and a boyfriend. 

-My fellow queers that disregard pronouns and insult me for embracing femininity, makeup, and clothes despite fem queers and trans women being the ones that pioneered our fight back

-The friend that told me I deserved to be alone for being gay

-The PARENTS of high school friends who relentlessly mocked another queer kid in my class behind his back with extremely homophobic comments thus forcing me deep into the closet

-All of my friends that have been rejected by their family for their identity, including ones that were outright kicked out of their house as a teenager

-The daily hell of grade school boys calling each other ‘fag’ and knowing full well that they meant it as a queer slur

-Every person, (quite a few) that’s reached out to me to tell me that my mere openness, vulnerability, and visibility gave them permission to be themselves and work toward living as their authentic selves.

-The fact that I spent every waking moment of my childhood, adolescence, and even adulthood trying to fit a mold I didn’t even like out of safety. Always obsessed with being academically successful to hide the shame of being queer and feeling as though I had to make up for it by exhausting myself. 

For anyone reading this and feeling uncomfortable? 

GOOD.

If you feel bad just reading it, imagine the hell of these being your actual lived experiences. 

Hug your queer family and friends and stress to them how proud you are. Don’t make everything about yourself and realize that some people need a little more love than others and there’s absolutely nothing wrong about that. Your struggles aren’t negated, just not the focus in that moment. 

While extremely homophobic rhetoric seems to be on the rise with powerful figures in government making continuous strides to eliminate our rights and erase us from existence entirely, 

FUCKING DO SOMETHING. 

A bunch of loud queers screaming for their rights is incredible, but the homophobes aren’t going to listen to the very people they wish nothing but harm on.

VOTE FOR THE QUEERS IN YOUR LIFE.

Listen to them. Don’t water down and negate their experiences. Be available to them. Be compassionate toward them. Shoot down queer-phobic bullshit to your friends, and consider choosing your loved ones over more than casually bigoted “friends.”

As my entire purpose as an adult has become being the person I so DESPERATELY could have used as a young queer boy, I dream of a world where queer people don’t have to fear for their lives by simply existing and don’t have to sift through painful trauma as an adult. 

If not for the beautiful found family of queer bbys I’ve managed to surround myself with the last couple of years, I would not have the confidence I do now to be my entire authentic self. I wouldn’t feel like not only is my identity ‘okay, accepted, and tolerated,’ but beautiful and encouraged and celebrated. I consistently get emotionally overwhelmed just thinking about the intense love, friendship, and validity I receive from my found family, and can never thank them enough for loving me so fully. 

Be that person for someone else. 

If you take literally nothing else from this post, know that i’m queer and loud and will continue to refuse to shut up in the face of a world that strives to silence us. 

I will continue to turn up the music to drown out those voices that strive to silence me and my queer family. 

Happy Pride y’all.