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lin-nin · 4 years ago

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Tribulation & Tenderness - Chapter 6

Ship: Main Technoblade x Reader, some Dream x Reader

Plot: You're a princess in a Kingdom suffering a years long famine. In a desperate attempt to help your people, you accept one simple offer: Marriage to the crown prince of a neighboring kingdom. Anything to help your people survive. Surely it can't be too bad, can it?

Chapter List: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 Disclaimer: Cross-posted on Wattpad (discontinued) and Ao3. This is based off of everyone's CHARACTERS. I do not write fanfic based off the actual people.

Chapter 6: Farewell Gifts

< | Previous Chapter

The morning sun had begun filling your room, sneaking through parted curtains to cover everything in a warm glow. You had been reluctant to stir, a sense of melancholy hanging around you. You knew exactly why that was. You would be leaving tomorrow morning. There was good and bad to it, you supposed. You were introduced to a taste of freedom and new possibilities that came with this marriage. Yet it still meant saying goodbye to everything you knew here.

You slowly turned over in your bed, moving out of it. Might as well start the day, though. Moping wouldn’t get too much accomplished. You padded over towards the window, peering out of it for a few moments. The sun covered the land beyond the castle in a pleasant glow. Nature carried on like nothing was going to happen, and you couldn’t help but huff. You needed to as well. Even as you looked to the horizon, wondering what it held for you. Hopefully a decent life.

You hardly thought too much as you grabbed a dress, sliding it over your body. You didn’t even know what today held for you, either. You would find out after breakfast, though. That’s usually how things went for you. Taking each day as it came. You slid on your shoes, fastening them tightly. Take today one step at a time. Tomorrow would come when it came.

The door to your room creaked quietly as you opened it, being careful to shut it softly. It clicked as it slid into pace, and you rubbed your face. Food would undoubtedly help you get in a better mood. Having your mind busy while you were on an empty stomach was hardly a good idea.

“Good, you’re awake. We’ve got a busy day ahead of us,” A voice called out. You jumped, a startled yelp escaping your lips. You covered your mouth as you sought out the voice, glaring at the owner. Dream was lounging against a wall across from you, and you reached out to shove at him playfully.

“Are you trying to make my soul leave my body?!” A laugh escaped him, though it felt almost tense. Was he still bothered by dinner last night? You didn’t care to mess with it, though. He’d likely get over himself. He usually did.

“Maybe I am. Do I get to keep you here if I do?” He mused as they walked, heading towards the dining hall once again. Like it was a normal morning. You truly wished it was, honestly. Nonetheless, you sighed, head shaking.

“You know I can’t stay, Dream. As much as you want me to. This is a matter bigger than you or I. Besides! I think it’ll be good for me, don’t you think?” You beamed over at him. It seemed like it would do you good, truthfully. It was presenting you with at least one option you had never been offered here: Training. The opportunity to fight and defend yourself. You deserved that much at least, right?

“I think it’ll be dangerous. They’ve never had a good reputation, how do I know you’ll be safe?” He threw back in rebuttal, making you sigh heavily. Always fretted over your wellbeing.

“Techno said it’s not that bad, I have no reason to not believe him.” You settled into your normal spot at the table. Breakfast was much simpler than dinner. The food was already set out, waiting to be eaten. You didn’t waste time, reaching for a few various dishes to eat.

“I beg to differ,” Dream murmured as he also sat, grabbing stuff to eat as well. You rolled your eyes, not in the mood for whatever was with him. He just didn’t like Techno, for whatever reason. Always so protective of you. Though it was reassuring in a weird way.

“Whatever you say. What have you got planned for me today?” You queried instead, eager to change the subject away from your fiancé. You really didn’t want to deal with whatever problem there was with that subject.

“Going out to the markets in town. Make sure there isn’t anything that you need before leaving. Let the people in the capital see you one last time. It’ll probably eat most of your day, though,” He said. That was fine. It sounded like a good plan. You could do with a few things from the market. A few things to remind you of home.

You nodded for a couple of heartbeats, finishing the mouthful of food in your mouth before speaking. “That sounds fine to me. I wouldn’t mind picking up a couple of things to bring along. Oh! Techno! Good morning.” The pink-haired prince had walked into the dining hall when you were speaking to Dream. He settled across from you, glancing briefly to Dream before you.

“Good morning,” he finally returned, causing you to smile. Dream practically brooded beside you as your attention shifted away from him. You just elected to ignore it for the time being. He’d probably be just fine once the both of you were in the market. You were allowed to exchange some words with Techno before heading out for the day, at least.

“Did you sleep well?” You asked, reaching for your cup with a contented hum. He nodded in response, gaze moving to Dream. You warily eyed the pair of them, trying to read whatever silent stand off they seemed to be having. Was it over the whole training thing? Either way, it was ridiculous and you did not want to deal with whatever tension was between them.

Clearing your throat, you attempted conversation once more with a soft, “Did you finish your books?” Techno’s gaze quickly pivoted back to you, seeming to forget about Dream for a few minutes. Good.

“Most of them. I couldn’t finish the last one before I needed to sleep,” He replied. You nodded in acknowledgment. That was impressive, though. It did make you wonder how much he slept. Not like you could tell. Not with that mask on his face.

“Well, you can finish that one today. Dream and I are going out to the market to pick up some things before I leave. I’ll probably spend time with my family after dinner,” You explained. You wiped at your hands, turning to look at Dream and offering him a smile.

“We’ll have plenty of time to talk starting tomorrow,” Techno mused. There was something almost smug in his voice, and you could hear Dream huff beside you. What the hell had happened with them? You weren’t given much time to ponder, as Dream stood up and held a hand towards you.

“Ready?” He asked, and you nodded slightly. You eyed his hand for a few moments, debating on if you should take it. You ultimately did, allowing him to pull you up. You waved towards Techno, offering him a smile. Even as you were nearly hauled away by Dream, you could hear that huff of his that signified laughter. He met your wave with a shake of his head, returning the action all the same.

You were content, despite how quickly Dream was walking. The interactions with Techno were pleasant, and increasingly less awkward. You caught up with Dream, letting go of his hand as you did. “Alright, do you have any specific plans on where to visit?” You questioned, forcing him to slow down.

“Not exactly. I figure we can just walk through the market, see what catches your eye,” He mumbled. You nodded along, finding it fair enough. You didn’t entirely know what you were looking for. So, for that reason, browsing around didn't seem too bad of an idea.

The walk wasn't too long. Slowly the calm path towards the castle morphed into busy streets, teeming with life. The heart of the capital was alive with noise, vendors in their stalls calling to people in the streets. The smell of various foods wafted in the air around you as you walked, a certain type of happiness settling in your chest. It was easy to forget the melancholy that hung around the castle while you were here.

It wasn't too long of wandering before you were noticed. Vendors would excitedly call to you, trying to get you to buy some of their wares. You did always look, complimenting whatever they were selling half the time. From one stand, you purchased a trinket box, the metal heavy in your hands. The sun caught onto the ornate lid, causing the jewels set into it to sparkle. The sides were less flashy, but still well made, with roses carved into the side. It spoke to you, practically, reminding you warmly of the kingdom you were going to leave.

As you continued your trek, an older voice called to you with urgency, a soft, "Princess! Come, come!" An older man beckoned to you, age wearing down his face and hands. You didn't even need to think twice, walking towards him with Dream in tow. The man behind you was busying himself with a stuffed bun he had bought, seemingly content to just follow you. The old man smiled as you walked over, looking down to his wares.

Knives and daggers covered the majority of the surface, though there was an occasional sword or bundle of arrows. The handles had intricate designs carved into the leather, though the blades were no less sharp or decorated. "I hear you're going on a dangerous journey soon," The man's voice interrupted you. You moved your attention to his face, meeting his gaze calmly.

"It's really not as dangerous as everyone is making it seem," You explained, offering a smile. The man just laughed, shaking his head at you.

"Off, alone, with a man too afraid to show his face and hides behind the face of a beast. If he is comfortable wearing the face of a beast, surely he is one himself." There was an edge to his voice and you could only sigh. Gossip from servants traveled fast, and it seemed stories of Techno's appearance had already reached the capital. You didn't care too much, though his words were minutely unsettling.

"You need to protect yourself from him. I have the perfect thing for you- free of charge. We can't have you getting hurt in enemy territory." He explained, rustling around to pick up one of the daggers. You were tempted to protest the price, surely not wanting to take from him. It wasn't right. Even if he did offer. Yet you could tell he wouldn't accept a single coin you gave him.

He presented the dagger to you for inspection, which you did humor. It was a pretty dagger, a dark leather grip with flowers sitting amongst vines of thorns. The cross guard was simple, curved, with a flower sitting in the middle of either side. The pommel similarly matched, while the thorned vines crawled down onto the design in the metal. It felt perfect in your hands, and you could have sworn the man had made it just for you.

You looked up to him, his dark eyes twinkling with something you couldn't place. "It's beautiful, thank you," You murmured your thanks. Any thought of rejecting it had left you the moment the leather fell to your hand. He seemed delighted by this, reaching to take it back to put it in a sheath. The sheath was put into a belt before being handed off to you.

"Keep yourself safe, little one," he told you. You nodded, fingers running along the leathed of the belt. You didn't really wear belts, so it felt almost foreign in your grip.

"Here," Dream interrupted, picking up the belt. He didn't waste time in fastening it around your waist, the dagger comfortably sitting against your hip. It was positioned so that your dominant hand could grab the dagger easily, should you need it.

"I thought you didn't want me to have weapons," You grumbled. Dream was silent as he resumed his earlier position, walking with you once more. With each step, the dagger hit your hip. It was a foreign feeling, but not an unwelcome one.

"I don't, but I don't trust Technoblade. A dagger is straightforward enough to use. Even you can't fuck it up." He sounded bitter at the mention of Techno, but seemed to divert it to light hearted teasing. You huffed, rolling your eyes.

"Maybe I'll try it on you first." You shoved him with your shoulder, unable to hide your laugh at his affronted gasp.

"You wouldn’t!" His exclamation was followed by a laugh, and you couldn’t help but smile. He was one of the things you would miss.

The sun climbed even higher into the sky as the pair of you walked, with you buying a few trinkets. You bought a few pieces of jewelry from various vendors, too fond of their work to part with it. Who knew when you would be given the chance to visit this market again. You and Dream had stopped by a small bakery to eat lunch, listening to the tales around you and watching the streets.

It was only when the sun was falling, and the daytime vendors began to pack up, that you started your way back. Dinner time would be soon. As the streets emptied, the activity dwindling down, you felt the melancholy creep back over you once more.

"I got you something," Dream finally interrupted, causing you to look up at him. Your eyebrows knitted for a moment, trying to remember when he had snuck off to get it. Or maybe he had brought it with him.

"You did?" You asked, pausing in the street.

"I got it earlier this week, but today seemed a good time to give it to you," He explained, rustling around for a few moments. He grasped a small bag, pulling it out and untying it. He didn't look directly at you as he pulled out the piece inside, instead focused solely on it.

It was a necklace- a very extravagant one at that. You don't think you'd ever had one like it. Multiple strands of beads connected three large jewels together, with charms comprised of smaller jewels in the shape of roses dangling from it intermittently. The light caught the yellow jewels, though red tinged the outside of them. It was always roses, wasn't it? It always had been.

In the very middle sat a metal plate, carved with the image of a picked rose with its thorns clipped. It was pretty. You couldn’t even imagine how much it cost. "Thank you, Dream. You didn’t have to get me something like this," You had started. He huffed in response, moving behind you to drape it around your neck.

"I know, but I wanted to. I hope whenever you wear it you think of me," he mumbled as he fastened it, the comfortable weight settling against your neck. You touched it, smiling softly.

"I will, Dream. Don't make me cry, though. There's too much left to do today." You knew you would be a mess by the end of the night. After all, this was your family you were leaving. It was going to sting just a little.

The walk back to the castle was relatively silent. Dream was thinking about something, but you didn't press. You weren't sure you could handle it right now. Once you had returned and eaten dinner, it was time to spend time with your family. Which, truthfully, you were glad to. Dream didn't protest on going home, though he did send a final accusatory glance at Techno as he left.

The prince didn't linger after dinner, simply bidding you a good night as he went to retire to his own rooms. You were fine with that, though. It let you put your whole concentration on your family as the four of you sat in one of the rooms. You all spoke fondly of everything you could think of. All of you were almost reluctant to say goodnight.

"I can't believe my baby is leaving tomorrow," Your mom finally broached the topic. You offered a sad smile, moving to hug her.

"I'll always write to you," you whispered, face nestled into her neck. She didn't say anything for a long while, just holding you there. You didn't complain, letting her do so. As she pulled back after she seemed ready, she reached for the blanket that had been sat in her lap.

"This was my great grandmother's, and has been passed down to the eldest daughter of everyone in our family. It's your turn to take it," She murmured, handing it to you. The weave was heavy, the red fabric carefully twined with golden accents. You could tell it was old, but you were extremely glad to have it.

"Thank you, I'll cherish it. Should I have any daughters, I'll give it to them as well." It was unknown if you would have children. It depended on how the marriage required itself to be upheld. Your gaze turned to your dad next.

"You always were getting into trouble and going on adventures. Don't get into too much trouble over there, okay?" He murmured affectionately, offering you a hug. This one wasn't nearly as long as your mother's, but that was fine. He wasn't as attached as your mother, nor as affectionate, so the hug meant the world to you.

You had nodded, not trusting your words right now. This was the worst part. Leaving. The goodbyes. Even harder was turning to George, who stared at you with an almost sad smile. "I'm going to miss you. Who else am I going to walk through the gardens with now?" He asked, causing you to give a watery laugh. You imagined he would make do.

"You always did love the gardens, so here's a piece of home. Only some light reading." He extended a hand, holding a thick book out to you. The leather cover was embossed with various flowers, and you smiled. It was a flower guide. Flowers were important to your kingdom, and though you were fond of them you never bothered to learn them. Now it was time, you supposed.

"I'll miss you, George. Try not to have too much fun without me," Your voice cracked as you spoke. He nodded, arms curling tightly around you within seconds. You sniffled, hiding against his shoulder and clinging to him. His hugs were always the best, not having them readily available to you would hurt. You didn't like it.

"Just promise me you'll write and take care of yourself." You could only nod as his voice reverberated through you. You didn't want to let go, but the seconds bled into minutes and sleep was calling you. Even as reluctant as you were, you did let go.

"I'll write to everyone. As often as I can," You said. You choked a little, refusing to say goodbye. Even as you walked with George to your room, you couldn't bring yourself to say the word. Maybe tomorrow would be better. Next Chapter | >

#dream x reader #dream #dream smp #dream team #dreamwastaken #kingdom au #reader insert #sleepy bois family #sleepy bois inc #technoblade x reader #technoblade #t&t

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melodyalanaroster · 4 years ago

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Dear @chinomiko,

When I first started playing My Candy Love on New Year’s Day in 2013, I was simply a 17 year old girl who was starting the second half of my Senior Year in High School. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I certainly had no idea where I’d end up. At the time, I was just looking for a new anime style site to call my internet home after the destruction of TinierMe. In my search, I stumbled upon your site. I had never played a dating simulator before, and I fell for your art style, so I decided to give the site a shot. It didn’t take me long to bond with Nathaniel... He was a kind young man, who loved to read, and had a tortured home life... Even though the torture at home was different between him and me, I still felt like I had found a character I could recognize... Hell, I did the same thing with Ken... My bond with Nathaniel was just so much deeper...

Then I graduated High School... I had no college prospects, and no idea what I even wanted to go to college for (still entirely don’t know).... My issues at home were getting worse, my love life was far from perfect, and living in Texas can be kind of ruthless on those who aren’t following the status quo... Even with going to the United Kingdom for 5 weeks, things still didn’t get better... And of course, the death of my childhood cat, Luna, in 2014 made things worse... So, I started focusing my free time on the game.... Working like crazy to get up to date with the episodes and bonus episodes, editing pics, and even writing fanfics... It became my escape from real life.

That did not change when I met the love of my real life in 2015. Despite entering into a relationship that is still going strong, I needed an escape from the hell my abuser was putting my family and me through, from the shitty job that I had gotten (and still have as of this letter), and from the hell that a really rare disease that had kicked on in my mother’s immune system had begun to put her and my family through. No amount of talking to people in my inner circle in real life helped... And there were times where it felt like the only emotions I knew were anger, sadness, and fear... It was during this time that my main MCL OC, Melody Alana Roster, came to life as what she is today... A strong, smart, beautiful, powerful, woman who goes through some of the worst hell imaginable and ends up living a life of peace with the man she loves (Nathaniel).... When my abuser’s time in my family’s and my life was ending and she was going “all out” on me? I thought of what Alana and Nathaniel would be doing during the newest episode of the game. My job putting me through mental and physical hell (it’s a very demanding job)? I daydreamed about Nathaniel and Alana. My mother’s disease progressing and making my mother put my grandmother and me through hell? I would go in my room and write a section of my story or edit a pic when I could. Hell, My Candy Love became so prominent in my life as an escape that when my abuser’s daughter came back at me (this time with my boyfriend’s ex friend), one of the things she’d say to me was “All you do is sit in your room and write fanfiction.”... I needed something and My Candy Love and it’s fandom was something I enjoyed that kept me in my room (where I felt safe)... To this day, my boyfriend understands why I’ve put so much time and effort into it... Why I’ve spent so much money on it (AP, Gold, commissioned pics, and items)... It was a light in what felt like a sea of darkness in my life...

Now, I’m going to clarify something here... What is written in the last paragraph took place over the course of 5 years... Of course, when I get to the point of 2020, its easy to guess some of the reasons why I continued to focus on My Candy Love... However, I have an added reason.... Not only did the pandemic bitch slap Texas mid March, but about a week before that happened, on March 10th, my mother succumbed to the secondary infection brought on by her disease... And I had to grieve... Of course, when the pandemic hit about week later, I was told by society that I didn’t have time to grieve... As I am a grocery store worker... Which, I still tried to use My Candy Love as a means of escape... It felt like life was going “Yeah, you’re free from your mom’s disease, now here’s one that YOU could bring home to your grandparents and kill them with simply by going to work!”... Because, I’m sure even you know how poorly America has handled the pandemic... And Texas is one of the worst states when it comes to that...

I’m not saying this to make you feel sorry for me... Not in the slightest... I’ve leaned on my family, friends, and boyfriend for everything, so it’s not JUST My Candy Love that got me through all of this... I’m telling you this because My Candy Love and what I’ve done for it has helped me with it all immensely. I thought I had lost my passion for writing while I was still in school, even though my favorite teacher was encouraging me to continue... And here I am still writing my MCL fanfiction... Not only am I still writing my fanfic, I’m getting it turned into 1 copy of an actual book for my shelf when I’m done... When I took photography in High School and wasn’t good at photoshop, I thought it would never be a skill I’d use... And, yet, over the course of my time with MCL, my photo editing skills have improved DRASTICALLY... Sure, I can’t really edit real life photos... But I can make stuff for MCL avatars and such...

I mean, if someone had told me 8 years ago that I’d be so invested in this game that I’d have a body pillow of my favorite love interest, a folder of commissioned art, a blog with over 1,300 followers, an Instagram with nearly 300 followers, a custom plushie of my favorite love interest, a Discord Server with around 200 people in it... That I’d be the Vice President/Club Photographer of the US version of a fan club... That I’d make friends throughout the world in the fandom... That my editing skills would become as good as they are now... That I’d be working on the biggest writing project I’ve EVER worked on... And that I’d cry at the last episode the same way I cried during the Season 8 finale of Scrubs, the series finale of iCarly, Matt Smith’s regeneration in Doctor Who and the ending of Deathly Hallows Part 2... I would have told them that they’re crazy....

Yet... Here I am... I’m turning 26 years old in July... And all of that has happened... In real life, I’m still dealing with the pandemic, I’ve celebrated my 5 year anniversary with my boyfriend, and I’m even preparing to move in with him... Yet, online, I’m still VERY invested in your game. I’m still a long way from finishing my OC’s story... I still want to edit pics for Nathaniel and Alana... And I’m going to be contemplating playing the new game for a while... I’ll still play events... As long as Nathaniel is around, I’ll be there to greet him with a smile... But I don’t know about your new project...

All that being said.... There’s one MAJOR thing I’d like to say to you, Chino....

THANK YOU!

Thank you for everything! For all your hard work in this story... It’s far from perfect, but I still enjoyed the majority of it... For creating Nathaniel, the holder of my 2D heart.... Seriously, thank you for creating him... I have anime crushes, but I don’t love them as deeply as I love Nath.... Thank you for your art! Its amazing! You’re in my top 3 favorite digital artists... The others being Drachea Rannak and Marco Albiero... Thank you for all the work you continue to put into the game that a lot of us have, kind of, grown up with.... I wasn’t really a kid when I started playing, but I do consider myself to have “grown up” with it... Thank you for all of the other love interests... For Castiel, Kentin, Armin, Lysander, Priya, Rayan and Hyun... They’re not the ones I love most, but they’re all interesting characters... Thank you for Candy... While she and Alana greatly differ from each other, Candy was the heroine in a story that gave birth to Alana... Candy is far from perfect, but I’m glad her story ended well.... Thank you for creating the game that brought this fandom into existence... While the fandom can be VERY toxic at times, there are a lot of amazing people in it... They have become some of my dearest friends...

While the entire My Candy Love team at Beemoov deserves my gratitude... I feel like you are the most deserving of it... Because, without you, My Candy Love would not exist.

I look forward to seeing My Candy Love’s future... Either from the sidelines, or from the middle of it... I will see it’s future...

Thank you ChiNoMiko.

All my love and respect,

Melody Alana Roster

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morporkian-cryptid · 3 years ago

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I'm curious as to how you think the first kiss would go between Lup and Jigen in the childhood friends AU -- is it when they're still young? When they're older doing crimes together? THE PEOPLE WISH TO KNOW

AND THE PEOPLE SHALL KNOW!

I really like the idea of them being childhood sweethearts, but also as the previous anon pointed out, it's unrealistic in that historical context, sooooo... you're getting TWO scenarios!!

[fifteen minutes later] I've been going through kissing prompts and now I am Yearning. Help

This response has left headcanon territory and is trying to become a fanfic of its own.

Case one: self-indulgent childhood sweethearts scenario. Lup and Jig are both trans boys, Lup presents as a boy because his father lets him, Jigen is still in the closet, only out to Lupin.

Lupin and Jigen are in their early teens - twelve or thirteen - and they've known each other for a few years already. Lupin's visits to New York are not anything regular, but he'll be damned if he doesn't see his best friend at least once a year. This time, all the Lupin family is here, and Nisei is attending a fancy party thrown by a wealthy business man he's intending to rob blind. Nisei managed to get his son invited (this is part of mini-Sansei's training), and the invite said to bring a plus-one, so Lupin pestered Jigen until he agreed to come along. (Jigen really wanted to, he just thought it would be a terrible idea and everyone could see he wasn't part of the Wealthy People).

Because they're kids (and because this is my self-indulgent headcanon), Jigen is allowed to present as a guy at the party (which is an argument Lup used to convince him). Lupin is a bit star-struck when he sees his best friend emerging from the dressing room, donned in a fitted tux and with his hair slicked back, looking for all the world like he was born to walk among the high society. Jigen pokes fun at him for his reaction.

For a while now, Lupin has been playfully flirting with Jigen - nothing major, just the occasional teasing, and gifts that could be seen as a token of friendship. Jigen dismissed it as Lupin being an incorrigible lady's man and still seeing a girl in him. But this evening, Jigen is a boy, and Lupin is going all out with the suave gentleman persona, bowing to his partner and asking "May I have this dance?", kissing his knuckles when Jigen bashfully says "yes", making him waltz around the room and holding him close when the slow dances come on.

Jigen is at loss for words; he doesn't know what game Lupin is playing, and he feels like this is wrong, this should be wrong, but he's enjoying himself too much to break away from his friend. There's a small part of him screaming that Lupin has found out about Jigen's feelings for him and is playing a cruel joke; or that he's practicing on Jigen before he tries to woo a lady; or that he's just flirting for the heck of it, because Lupin doesn't need a reason to do crazy things.

To be fair, for all his act of self-confidence and suaveness, Lupin is just as nervous as Jigen is. This is the first time he's had feelings for a boy, and he doesn't know if Jigen sees him as anything other than a friend, or if he might take offense at Lupin's attempt at romance. But he wouldn't be Lupin the Third if he never took any risks, and this evening was enough to turn his burgeoning infatuation into sheer adoration for the beautiful blushing boy in his arms. He's fallen hard, and he can't turn back now.

The slow dance ends, and Jigen, with stars in his eyes and his heart racing, is about to tug his friend towards a quiet hallway outside of the ballroom, when an explosion goes off. Nisei has chosen this exact moment to put his plan into action, and the crowd is now running around in a panic. Lupin grabs Jigen's hand, heading towards the ballroom balcony where Nisei has told him to wait, watch and learn as he performs the heist; but in the chaos, the two are separated, and Lupin has no choice but to follow his father's instructions, leaving his friend behind.

They don't see each other again for several months, and Jigen spends that time convincing himself that he imagined the soft smile on Lupin's lips, the twinkle in his eyes whenever he looked at him, the euphoria of dancing with his crush best friend, of being allowed to be himself for one evening and still being liked that way. Lupin may be his best friend, the person who knows him the best in the world and the one he trusts the most, he's not the person in Jigen's dreams. Because all these fantasies can't happen in real life.

The next time Jigen sees Lupin, it's in the middle of the night, after the young thief climbed up the gutter of his apartment building and insistently knocked on his (third floor) bedroom window until it woke Jigen up. Lupin beckons his friend outside, and they climb the fire escape up to the roof. There, under the half-moon and the yellow lights of the street lamps below, Lupin puts on his most charming smile to hide the frantic beating of his heart, as he hands Jigen a small bouquet of roses he stole from the florist down the street. There is a few seconds of baffled silence, before Jigen shakily takes the bouquet from Lupin's hands, and works up the courage to give his friend a quick peck on the cheek. This was all Lupin needed to know that his offering was accepted, before he leans and returns Jigen's kiss - on his lips. It is quick, and hesitant, and leaves them both frozen in the uncertainty of what the other will do; until Jigen moves away, head bashfully bowed down so his hair will hide his eyes, but there is no mistaking the love-struck smile that he can't fight off his face.

The next times they meet, the exhilarating freedom of their strange friendship had taken new colors, and although their meetings are few and far between, and although they keep it secret, it's the best thing in both of their lives.

---

WELP, this got way out of hand. This post is already long enough, so I'll write the second scenario in a reblog when I come up with an idea. I hope you enjoyed reading this, because I sure did writing it.

Thank you for enabling me!

#lupin iii #daisuke jigen #jiglup #the hobbit writes #the hobbit's headcanons #lupin iii childhood au

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jasperwhitcock · 4 years ago

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equinox | chapter 07 –– “a cruel god, a wrathful goddess”

here is chapter six of my bella as a vampire and edward as a human fanfic inspired by an au that @bellasredchevy posted. you can read the new chapter on AO3 or here. i post updates on AO3 or on tumblr using the #equinoxjw tag. but it seems 10/10 times my tag does not work, so that is a fun mystery for me to solve.

oof... sometimes u get distracted and then ur sister gets married and then u get unmotivated & d*pressed and forget to update ur fanfic for over three months... my bad y'all... sorry for the wait hehe. i hope it is worth it. again, i'm so thankful for the comments & i read them all. i get too shy to respond, but i WILL. i just need to talk myself up first. i love u. thank u. hehe. ♡♡♡ merry christmas/happy holidays if i fail u again before the 25th. i WANT to update more frequently. my catchphrase these days is "i'm trying my best," so... i'm trying my best.

this is for the sweet anons who slide into my ask box & ask me questions abt my fanfic. and for taryn, who consistently reminds me that there are people wanting to read this seeing as she is one of those people, kim, who i am so desperate to impress that i began working on a new chapter once she started to read my fanfic, and kae, because without her, this fanfic would never have existed in the first place. i love how i'm writing this as though it's the intro to an actual book when it's literally just chapter seven. ok, i will shut up now so u can read. love u. again.

07 A CRUEL GOD, A WRATHFUL GODDESS

In great contrast to the noisy ambience of the other students in the hallway, we were silent on our walk to our shared biology class. I wondered how conscious Edward was of the stares and whispers focused on our proximity to one another, but my guess was that he was very much conscious of it. I intentionally ignored glancing in any direction that I sensed one of my siblings’ presence, although I figured it was mostly paranoia driving me to feel as though we were about to cross paths. Holding my breath to more easily walk beside Edward left my senses impaired to the ability to pinpoint their location.

I was lucky that for the majority of my immortal life, I’d managed to escape unwanted attention. But now, it seemed that precious luck had finally run out. Maybe embarrassment had been creeping up on me, maliciously building itself up all these years, waiting until just the right moment to rear its ugly head and exact revenge that immorality had stolen its favorite object of humiliation to torment. But here it was, ensuring that I was finally catching up on feeling awkward and out of step, a feeling I experienced for what seemed like the entirety of my human life. I thought once I’d been changed, I’d never feel this way again, but becoming misaligned with my family made me feel bashful to parade my defiance in their faces. I had operated better under no scrutiny as a mortal and was surprised to realize that that still held true as an immortal as well. Because though there was now never a struggle of staying upright or a risk of tripping over my own feet, that didn’t prevent me from feeling self-conscious as I walked beside Edward. Although for different reasons –– it was too mortifying to consider what my family might make of what my actions suggested about my feelings towards Edward.

And yet still, I would put up with the ridicule and disapproval of my siblings if it meant I could listen to Edward speak his silly philosophical theology, his questioning of god and existence, for just a few more hours. If I were going to be teased over Alice’s visions regardless, I might as well find out what I can about this pretentious boy before I leave him alone forever. If only to understand why his moving to this small town threatened to warp my own future so much. In losing night and in losing death, there were so very little anomalies in the endless amount of time I’d been given. So what would it hurt to allow myself to fixate on this minuscule difference in my life for just awhile?

It could hurt Edward, a more selfless part of myself reminded me. If indulging myself was playing with fire, I was being justly punished with the way flames were efflorescing the inside of my dry, burning throat.

If a god did exist, why would it make sense for such a being to craft someone like Edward with his perceptivity, and send him off to this small town, home to a secret such as ours? If a god did exist, why it would be fair for such a being to craft someone like Edward, someone who tempted me both in bloodlust and in curiosity, and send him off to this small town, home to the very vampire who desperately wished to kill him most? If a god did exist, if our kind had fallen short of heaven, I could understand why sending Edward into our path –– and more specifically, my path –– could be some kind of punishment. But what I couldn’t understand is why a god would allow someone as innocent as Edward to be endangered for the sake of bringing a sinful, undead creature to justice. It seemed the only reasonable explanation would be that a god probably did not exist.

And how could there be? I was on the precipice of falling into temptation with every step further in the hallway and every question he asked and answered. I could never not be very much aware of the fact –– especially now with his body merely inches from my side and his sweet fragrance blooming both deliciously and relentlessly in the air. And even as I impossibly withstood the lure of his blood, how was I meant to ignore the irresistibility of his mind and how inexplicably concerned I was to understand it? It seemed like a very cruel experiment of free will and knowledge –– far too cruel to allow much room for the kind of god Edward hoped for.

I frowned as I realized that this experiment wasn’t that of a cruel god’s but that of a cruel vampire, and I felt very much like a vampire as the sound of his heartbeat was so appealing that it made my mouth water.

“Do the stares bother you?” Edward spoke quietly to me as we weaved throughout the hallway. Easily distracted, his question was able to pull the more civilized parts of myself together, though this was probably also in thanks to my choosing not to utilize my sense of smell. I found it funny that at least one of his thoughts had been in a similar vicinity. But of course, the rest of his thoughts were probably free of all consuming agony and struggle. For all his curiosity about morality, to inflict this existence upon him would probably devour him in misery. At least as a human, despite whatever conclusions he may come to, there was still some hope to be had for an afterlife. This thought should have been dark and depressing, but because it made Alice’s vision seem like a complete hoax, I almost found it funny. How would Edward ever end up like me?

“Oh, no,” I swallowed the venom in my mouth. “I live for attention.” I watched from the corner of my eyes as his gaze flickered over to me, the ever present half smile appearing on his face at my joke. My answer came out so comfortably as though I was used to this, when in reality, the student body for the most part had grown accustomed to ignoring me. And, of course, there was nothing comfortable about the demanding, aching dryness in my mouth or the burning in my nostrils. “How about you?”

“Likewise,” he joked, laughing. “This is interesting –– their fascination. I understood their interest on my first day because I’d guess a new addition to the student body in a town this small is something of a rarity, but today, walking by your side is garnering even more attention. Is it a once in a lifetime opportunity to have Bella Cullen walk you to class?”

“You’re just so observant, aren’t you?” I rolled my eyes, though the corners of my mouths pulled up despite myself. “And I’m not walking you to class. I’m walking to a class I just so happen to share with you, so don’t get the wrong idea. I think they’re just surprised because they’re probably under the impression that I don’t play nice with others.”

“And do you?”

“You tell me,” I replied, pausing to face him beside a wall of lockers next to the entrance of our biology classroom. As he stopped beside me, a gust of air from a passing student walking hastily down the hallway sent his scent reeling into me at an unfortunate moment where I’d chosen to breathe in. My muscles tensed to spring, and I desperately anchored myself to the floor as my mind fell into disarray.

“Nicely enough,” Edward winked naturally as though we’d been the best of friends since his first day. The demanding thirst was intruding on my awareness, and the desperation for something wet and hot and delicious in my desiccated throat was so dizzying that his voice sounded as though it were underwater. With an effort as though I were swimming through drying cement, I resurfaced, just barely proving my dominion over the desire. I focused on his voice so that it’d become clearer, forcing myself to take another excruciating breath in and exhale the fire out. “I will say I am honored to be the exception –– to be plucked from the masses by the renowned, reclusive Bella Cullen.”

With torturous effort, I snorted as though I wasn’t fighting everything within me to keep him alive. I breathed in again heavily, allowing my body to become a pyre so that I could speak. “Alright, that’s enough. Stop saying my name like that. And you’ve lost the privilege. I am never walking you to class again,” I rolled my eyes even though my joke could very much be the truth. The bunching of my muscles, the twitching of my hands, and the fierce pain in my throat reminded me of the fact. Before he could point out the contradiction of what I’d previously clarified, I sighed. “Let’s take this quiz.”

His pretty green eyes were alive with mischief and enlightened with what must be more answers to questions he hadn’t outright asked me as he turned to enter the classroom. I followed behind him towards our shared table.

Air from the vent rushed out, thrusting the scent of his blood wafting into my face again. I paused for an indistinguishable moment as I battled agony, murderousness, monstrosity. Holy fuck. What was I trying to prove! Was it really worth this? Swallowing hard, I sat beside him as though nothing happened. My suffering was so great that Emmett could have brutally ripped my arm off, he could have beat me with it, and I wouldn’t have noticed nor felt a thing. I could have been set on fire, and it’d feel like sinking into a cool pool of water on an even cooler day. I was already burning alive, my body acting as a furnace, and I was imprisoned inside it.

Without intending to, I sighed aloud, exhaling as though it would smother the flames. It was a stupid, attention seeking thing to do. Humans sighed to expel air or express some sadness or relief or exhaustion, so when my family emitted an audible breath, we did so as a means of blending in. But to breath out in a way to clue Edward into the fact something was plaguing me… it was a stupid invitation for more questions. And these were questions I had no intention of sharing the answers to. I felt his eyes on me, but before he could say anything, Mr. Molina began passing out quizzes face down on our lab tables as students continued to pile in from lunch.

“Alright, class. Today we have a pop quiz–– oh, come on, guys, don’t groan. You will have the opportunity to make corrections after these have been graded. This is just an assessment of what you’ve retained from this unit so far. You will have the entire period to complete–– thanks for joining us, Mr. Patterson, glad you could fit my class into your busy schedule. Why don’t you take your seat? –– You will have the entire period to complete your quiz. If you finish early, feel free to get a head start on this weekend’s homework! I’ve written the reading down on the board. Aw, I’m sure you’re all moaning because you’re disappointed at how light of an assignment it is because I just know how very excited you all are to continue your passionate pursuit of studying biology. Alright, now that everyone’s settled–– wait a minute––” Mr. Molina paused, raising his pointer finger in the air, his eyes squinted in anticipation. Three seconds later, the bell signaled the beginning of class. “Begin!”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward reluctantly turn away from me. In an elegant script, he wrote his name at the top of the paper and began his quiz. I turned away from him to look at my own paper, preparing myself to uncomfortably hold my breath for the next hour. The difference this made in my thirst was almost insignificant, but enough so that it gave me a tiny more leverage in my control. I smoothed out the pucker on my forehead with the eraser from my pencil, accidentally snapping the rubber off against my face.

Absentmindedly, I began to breeze through the assessment, circling the correct answers, but my mind was more absorbed in the warmth of sitting beside Edward. Aside from the affliction of doing so, it was too pleasurable to have sat beside him so often and for so long today. I enjoyed the toastiness like a lizard basking in the sun. It made me recall the muddy human memory of laying out on a blanket in my backyard beneath my beloved blue Arizona sky, hiding beneath the small shade of a book. Not the blistering heat of a summertime Phoenix sun, but the warmth of the first day of spring. But the heat of Edward’s body alone was enough to fill my mouth with venom, so I tried to refocus my attention onto my quiz.

When I turned to the last page of questions, a motion beside me diverted my concentration once again. I peeked over, turning my head slightly in Edward’s direction to see what it was. As he thought over one of the questions, his right hand was moving peculiarly as he lifted and dropped down his long fingers almost as though he were impatiently tapping each digit one by one along the tabletop. Except the movement was more exact and calculatingly random. Engrossed, I watched as his his soft, fragile skin rippled over the muscle, the tendons appearing and disappearing with every bizarre movement. It took me a moment to make the connection between the large grand piano in his home and the motion of his hands. I realized he was miming piano movements while he thought through his answers. There was something both weird, funny, and endearing about this. I smiled to myself, not having the required oxygen to quietly laugh.

I felt his curious eyes flicker over to me and watched peripherally as he raised his eyebrows. I shook my head, biting down on my lip to unsuccessfully fight the smile, and returned to completing my quiz.

I finished a moment later and impatiently waited another ten minutes or so before I could turn in my work. I tried to ignore Edward for this small period of time at least, mentally reading myself the opening chapter to Wuthering Heights. Even though the words were committed to my memory, it was still never as good as actually reading from the book itself.

Once I’d decided an appropriate enough time had passed, I stood up to walk my quiz to the completed basket on Mr. Molina’s desk. Even having waited, I was still the first to finish the examination.

“Thank you,” the teacher whispered without breaking his focus away from the crossword puzzle he peered through his glasses at. I breathed in now that I’d placed some distance between myself and Edward, gladly facing the cool, fresh air from the vent.

“Neophyte,” I whispered back now that I’d replenished my oxygen supply.

“Excuse me?” He glanced up, his slightly aged face confused.

“Neophyte,” I repeated. “Eight across, two down.”

I took in one last clean breath and walked back to my seat as he tapped his pen across the squares of the space, mouthing his count of the letters to check if the word fit.

As soon as I took my place in my seat again, Edward stood up to walk his own quiz to the basket.

I wanted to watch him, but instead I forced myself to unzip my backpack and retrieve the biology textbook.

Busying myself with the assigned chapters, deciding to actually read them so as to not feed into my invasive Edward obsession, I couldn’t help but listen as Edward too placed his own textbook on the countertop.

I heard the scribble of pen on paper as he began to write what I imagined were notes until his large hand slid the paper over to me beneath the wall of my hair spilling over the desk. Well, I wouldn’t ignore him if he was the one deciding to bother me.

You know I’m pretty certain that cheating is a violation of the student handbook, but I’ll let you get away with it just this once.

I turned to glance at his face to see if he were serious. His eyes were warm and inviting, his mouth in the same crooked smile.

I took the piece of paper and looked around for my writing utensil that had gone missing somehow. My eyes zeroed in on a suspicious, tiny pile of wood dust on my side of the desk. When had I brutalized my pencil? He held his hand out to offer his own pen, and I accepted it, carefully plucking it from his fingers without making contact.

I wasn’t cheating. You were doing something funny. And what do you know about the student handbook? You’re new.

I slid the paper and pen back to him and watched as he combed a hand through his bronze hair, reading my response. The smile grew wider as he construed the biting tone of my note.

Can I be let in on the joke? Edward wrote, turning to look at me once he was done. Again I was prisoner, though this time not to my own body. I was momentarily held hostage by the beauty and warmth of his light green eyes. I was understanding more and more the attraction the other students had for him. If I had a soul, it was as though he were staring straight into it.

I recovered, placing my hand atop the desk and then wiggling my fingers as though I were weaving my way through a very complicated piano piece.

Oh, Edward mouthed, immediately understanding. He silently laughed and placed his left hand to his forehead briefly as if to hide his face in mock embarrassment. The ink from the pen spilled onto the paper as he began to write again.

In my defense, there’s research that supports classical music puts students in a heightened emotional state, making them more receptive to information and helping them focus.

That’s very nerdy of you. I scribbled back, the corners of my lips pulled upwards.

I know. As I read the words on the notebook paper, we both laughed a little too loudly for the quietness of the room.

“Please remain silent for your classmates still working,” Mr. Molina stage-whispered from his desk, his eyes still fixated on the crossword puzzle.

It’s a bad habit. Edward tacked on to his message. I beamed. I knew a thing or two about bad habits today. I was appreciative of this silent conversation on paper; it made it easier to be beside him without needing to breathe to speak aloud.

What were you playing? I scrawled.

Clair de Lune. Edward wrote back. His thick eyebrows raised as my eyes lit up, and he continued writing. You know Debussy?

My mother used to play a lot of classical music around the house. It was one of my favorites.

It’s one of my favorites, too. Edward’s eyes were a little sad and lost in thought, and he smiled softly.

I was shocked by the change in expression and weirdly desperate to return the brightness back to his eyes. The burn in my throat was almost forgettable in the face of my concern. Almost, but not quite. He turned his head down to write on the paper again.

You said Rosalie played piano. You never learned? He turned to look at me, his expression curious. I shook my head and shrugged, reaching for the pen.

I didn’t think I had the coordination for it. While this was true for the time I was human, it wasn’t true now. Still, even though my days stretched into endless nights, I hadn’t yet devoted time to any instrument as an immortal.

Edward read the paper, his long pointer finger tracing the line beneath the words as he did so. He held his large hand out, and I dropped the pen into it.

I’ll show you sometime. Edward half smiled at me, his eyes sweet and earnest.

Knowing I shouldn’t be allowing him to think making a plans with me was an option, I reached for the pen to tell him that it was alright, but I froze as he suddenly moved to drop the pen and take my hand. Though he should have been the one hesitant and cautious as though approaching a dangerous, wounded animal, I held perfectly still as though he were the danger, and I needed to play dead for protection. You can’t play dead if you are dead, I thought to myself.

My body tensed as my hand was enveloped in the heat of his much larger palm, uncertain as to what he was doing. My muscles screamed at me as I clenched my free hand into a tight fist, terrified of myself.

A shiver rippled through him as he felt the chill of my frozen fingers, and I twitched the hand in his possession, wanting to yank it away to protect him from the iciness but not wanting to alert him with the swiftness of the motion.

He smiled mysteriously at the spasm as though he somehow expected it. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking but didn’t want to risk breathing. My control could too easily be lost. Besides, I was scared that if I were to open my mouth, I’d end up screaming.

I felt him push slightly and realized he wished for me to curl my fingers, so with great concentration and the acute awareness of his fragility, I moved my stony hand into the shape he directed, my fingers curved slightly beneath his like a relaxed talon. I didn’t like the shape; it was odd and inhuman and made me think of the violence I could cause.

But it wasn’t a claw. Because once my hand was positioned the way he wanted, he began to slowly place pressure on my fingers, and I dipped and rose them accordingly to carefully move with his. I watched as the two of our hands together played what I imagined must be the opening chords to Clair de Lune.

The disconcerting emptiness in my chest soared at the bizarre pleasure of this touch, and a weird sensation tickled my scalp, moving swiftly down my spine to my entire body.

My muscles tightened violently and then relaxed, sending a shiver to ripple through me. It was too much pleasure and too much pain as my throat ached and I leaned into the warmth.

Embarrassed and not wanting to push my luck, I cautiously pulled my hand slowly away. He lifted his hand to allow me to escape as though I couldn’t just break his hand to do so, a half-smile pulling on his lips. I pretended not to notice the goosebumps on his arms.

See? he mouthed before deciding to whisper. “You could do it.”

I forced myself to smile and then turned away for the rest of the hour, trying to keep from doing anything stupid like looking at him or killing him. I’d completely forgotten where we were.

When the bell finally rung, I collected my things atop the desk hastily. Edward reached for my backpack and held it up for me.

“Thanks,” I murmured as I dumped my books into the bag. Before I could take it from him, he slid it onto his back and nodded his head once for me to go forward.

Feeling awkward, I turned and allowed him to follow me to the door. I was lucky to walk in front of him, taking the opportunity to breath again as the vent blew out in front of my face.

Exiting the classroom, I paused for a second when I saw Emmett waiting for me across the hallway rather than his typical spot beside the wall of lockers next to our shared Spanish classroom. Even though I was well aware of the fact I’d been dangling my irresponsibility in their faces all day, I still felt as though I was being caught in the act.

Emmett’s eyebrows raised as his golden eyes watched Edward follow behind me, carrying my backpack. I crossed the hallway reluctantly towards my big brother.

“Hello,” I greeted him, avoiding his eyes. I felt smaller than ever beside him with my head down, and yet not small enough as I wished to disappear.

“Hey, little sis,” Emmett began uncertainly, though I glanced up to see his full lips were beginning to stretch into a smile that I didn’t like. “Who’s that with you?”

“Uh…”

“I’m Edward Masen,” the lanky human boy introduced himself confidently as he stopped beside me. “And you must be––”

“Emmett,” my brother interrupted, grinning as though he always so comfortably interacted with humans. This was all too weird, but he looked to be enjoying it far too much. His desire to mess with me and his confidence in Alice’s visions seemed to override the abnormality of speaking to a student so amicably. I watched as he breathed in and shot me a meaningful look. I grimaced.

I opened my mouth to put an end to this torturously awkward interaction, but Emmett interrupted again.

“It’s nice to see you made a friend,” he began, an evil glint in his eyes as he watched my face. I was confused as to where he was going with this because our entire family would come across as misanthropic to the rest of the school, so why should it matter to him. He turned his attention to look at Edward who was closer in height to him. “You know, we worry about her––”

“Okay, let’s go to Spanish,” I cut him off quickly. “Edward, can I have my bag, please?”

Without looking at him, I reached for my backpack as he offered it and threw it over my shoulder, heading down the hallway. It was a massive relief to put some distance between myself and Edward. My thoughts were clearer, and I could breathe freely.

Emmett burst into laughter, his guffaws booming in the hallway. Several students paused in fear making me concerned about Edward’s reaction to my giant of a sibling, but I relaxed when I heard Edward chuckling along with him.

“Um, see you,” Emmett said to Edward before his steady, near silent footfall followed after me.

Even moving at a lethargic human pace, he caught up to me quickly.

“That wasn’t funny,” I grumbled.

“What the hell are you doing?” Emmett chuckled, ignoring my question.

“What the hell are you doing? What was that back there?”

“I don’t know. That was weird, but not as weird as you playing with your food.”

I hissed quietly.

“Damn, I’m kidding, Bells. But seriously, what are you doing? What happened to your high and noble speech about doing the right thing and staying away from the kid? I thought Esme was about to produce real tears. It even softened Rose.”

“Ugh, don’t talk to me about Rosalie right now. She’s been giving me dirty looks all day. It makes me feel awful. I already feel bad!”

“Well, I don’t really care what you do either way so––” I looked at him questionably. “I mean, sure, I want you to do the right thing, whatever that means. I don’t want you to feel miserable. But on one end, I didn’t really mind so much what happened to me.”

“Rosalie did,” I countered.

“Yeah, Rose did,” he acquiesced quietly.

“Anyways, I’m not having that conversation. I wasn’t talking to him today to test whether or not he’s worth it. That’s… unethical.”

“So what were you doing?”

“I don’t know,” I groaned in answer.

Emmett laughed.

“You’re weird these days, Bella.”

“You’re weird everyday,” I quipped back before sighing. “I don’t know. He’s weird, too. I guess… I’m not making any decisions, at all, but if Alice told you what she told me… wouldn’t you be curious?”

Emmett thought it over. “Yeah, I think so. But I also don’t think I’d have even made it to this point,” he admitted. I winced.

“It’s kind of unfair for me to care more about satiating my curiosity and dance with the devil this way, right?”

“Well…he may not know it, but isn’t it more so that Edward’s the one dancing with the devil?”

“Yeah,” I agreed, frowning as we walked into our Spanish class. “I guess it is.”

I made the decision to avoid thinking of Edward for the remaining hour of school. I paid very little attention in Spanish, returning to the familiar mind-numbing boredom that classes had been prior to the last few days. Now that it was in stark contrast to the sudden life breathed into my time at Forks High School by my fixation with Edward, the tedium was no longer something dealt with indifferently and sluggishly. Now, it left me feeling restless, and it almost pained me how laborious it was to sit through a life I wasn’t an active participant in. It was nowhere near the pain of dealing with the excruciating thirst I had around my bronze-haired lab partner, but it almost tampered with my thoughts more knowing I’d feel less miserable if I spent this time analyzing every word Edward shared with me, every fluctuation of his tone, every glint in his perceptive eyes, every expression on his pretty face… But I was becoming too obsessive. The same hunger for adventure that made me fall in love with reading must be what was leading me to so treacherously, so impetuously dive into exploring this insignificant and yet cataclysmic difference in my life.

As though it had a personal vendetta against me, time moved even more lethargically than it ever had before, but finally, the bell signaling the end of school rang. Emmett’s eyes shot a concerned look at me as I rose from my seat too quickly, and I immediately felt embarrassed again. The cautious reminder in his expression made me feel childish as Emmett was never one to care much about bending the rules.

“See you at home, I guess,” he shook his head, giving me one last look that seemed to suggest I’d lost it.

“See you,” I mumbled, slinging my bag over my shoulder. Leaving Emmett behind to wait for Rosalie, I weaved through the crowded hallway and out to the parking lot. Students were bundling together and squealing at the chilling air as tiny, fluffy snowflakes fluttered down from the overcast sky. The floor of the parking lot was almost as glassy as yesterday as the rain from this afternoon had melted into a thin layer of icy mush. Though there was hardly enough snow for a decent snowball fight, some of the rowdier students were bundling up a pitiful pile of snow to form pathetic snowballs in their fists.

I nearly skipped to the pearly white vehicle parked beside Rosalie’s overly conspicuous crimson car which was forming a small crowd of admirers. Leaning against the trunk of the car, I watched the front doors of the school to look for Edward.

The tangle of reddish-brown hair was easy to spot because of its strange metallic tint as he strolled out of the building with Naomi, the student who’d provided him with the information about my family on his first day. He had his coat folded over his arm, revealing how form fitting his light tan turtleneck was. He truly was a very attractive boy. It was odd that I hadn’t really paid much attention initially. With his dazzling face and tall, lean frame, Edward was pretty enough that for the vampires who searched for exquisitely beautiful humans to create into even more stunning immortals, he could probably be a contender for someone to collect.

Thinking of how Emmett questioned my motives today, I quickly banished the idea of Edward as an immortal from my mind, even if it was only a hypothetical inspired by my observation.

Edward paused, asking Naomi if she could hold on to his backpack for a moment. When she grabbed it, he pulled on his long black coat, and fiddled with the collar. Recollecting his backpack, he slid it onto one shoulder, then rubbed his hands together, blowing the warm air from his mouth to heat them up. Thinking of the sweetness of the smell of his breath made me remember to take in swallows of fresh air before he made his way over to me.

As he was distracted momentarily, I watched as a stray snowball flew towards Edward’s head. I was overcome with the urge to intercept it in the event it may hit him too harshly and knock him to the pavement, but flying across the parking lot inhumanly fast twice in one week was probably not the way to go about correcting my mistakes.

The soggy snowball crashed into Edward’s hair, exploding into shards of ice and water that slid down his prominent cheekbone. I laughed aloud at his shocked expression as the curtain bangs framing his face were immediately drenched, darkening his hair into a brown color. Once he’d realized what happened, his face broke into a good-humored smile.

“Holy shit! Sorry, Edward!” The classmate who had thrown the snowball with poor aim called out.

“No worries!” Edward called back. He shook his head, chuckling as he wiped the water from his face. As he laughed, his eyes found the space where I waited and brightened seeing that I, too, was enjoying the moment.

“Hey, I’ll see you tomorrow,” he told Naomi, who was too beside herself in tears of laughter to reply.

Edward sauntered over towards me, and I inhaled deeply as a fortuitous whisper of wind blew from the tree line. I held onto the notes of crisp eucalyptus, fresh snow, and cedar wood, trying to distract my mind from the offensively mouthwatering scents approaching me.

Edward was a coordinated human, but even he lost his footing on the icy pavement. His body slid forward for a moment, but I stepped towards him to close the space between us and caught him by the elbow.

He looked up from his boots against the frozen parking lot into my eyes, startled momentarily at the swiftness in which I had appeared. Then, his full lips lifted into a crooked smile that creased his astonishing green eyes into half moons. I let go immediately and took a big step back to ensure a safer distance between myself and the warmth of his fragile body. It had been a risky movement, but somehow in comparison to yesterday, it didn’t seem to matter as much. I figured our classmates were too involved in their gawking at the details of my sister’s car or their feeble, slushy snowball fight to notice, and oddly, I didn’t care that Edward had seen. It was beginning to feel too late to keep up certain pretenses.

Although, it wasn’t too late, and it shouldn’t feel that way. I reminded myself I still had every intention of leaving Edward alone once I’d figured out what was so compelling about our paths crossing that had Alice’s visions spiraling in a confusing jumble. I took another step back slowly.

“Thank you,” Edward said, his eyes humored with another secret he didn’t seem willing to share. “You keep saving me.”

“Well, let’s not make this damsel in distress thing habitual,” I snorted, turning so that he couldn’t see the smile forming on my face. I felt shy about showcasing any comfort or happiness in his presence now that I was reminded of how fleeting this experimental friendship was, but I wondered if subconsciously I wanted him to catch me in my misery and ask me to explain, though I wasn’t certain why I wanted to sabotage myself like that. I opened my door and turned to look at him again. “You coming?”

Before he could answer, I dipped into the driver’s seat, and breathed in one last time. Well, once this was all over, I could finally stop inhaling dramatically as though they were truly my last, dying breaths. The air was mostly clean of his scent, but I knew that regardless, the heat of his body would be enough to disrupt my comfort and control. As the thought crossed my mind, I painfully swallowed back the venom pooling beneath my tongue.

Edward swerved through the crowd obsessing over Rosalie’s car and opened the passenger door, sliding into his seat. As he placed his backpack on the floor and fiddled with his seatbelt, I made sure to adjust the air conditioning so that the heat could warm Edward from the frigid Forks air. Though for me, just being in his presence made the intimate interior of the car feel as though I were again sitting by his fireplace.

“That’s a beautiful car,” he murmured. “Is it an M8?”

“Uh, it’s a BMW?” I asked uncertainly as though he’d spoken another language.

Edward grinned as though he wanted to laugh but didn’t want to make me angry. Rosalie would have loved to answer all his questions if he too had an interest in cars. Would have loved to, if she wasn’t deeply offended by my actions or if I had any intention of Edward meeting any more of my family members.

“Ready?” I bit my lip as I forced out any inconsiderate plots of murder that threatened to distract me from being a defensive driver.

“Mhm,” Edward answered.

I reversed out of the parking slot slowly, but as I looked in the rearview once I’d straightened out, I saw the fleeting image of Rosalie’s exquisitely beautiful and exceptionally angry face. I quickly readjusted the mirror to remove my sister’s reflection and sped out of the parking lot in a way that could have taken out a few unlucky students if I didn’t have above average years of driving experience.

Peripherally, I watched as Edward’s thick eyebrows raised, but he decided not to question me. Once we’d reached the main road, I slowed my speed so as not to rush through this time, even though I knew for his safety and my sanity, I should. As I drove, his right hand moved in odd shapes again against the arm rest of the passenger side door as though he were playing piano once more.

I decided to bite and use up some of my limited air supply.

“What are you playing?”

“Clair de Lune again,” he replied. Then, he began to hum the melody aloud for me as he moved his hand.

I thought to offer to play the song for him through the speakers, but I decided against it as I listened to Edward’s soft, velvety voice hum beautifully through the song, breaking the silence.

The ugly, slush-like falling of snow transformed into a falling of rainwater, and Edward’s voice was orchestrated by a lovely symphony of raindrops.

Before his voice could weave into the more involved moments of the piece, Edward stopped.

I looked over at him, curious for the reason as to why. His face was turned away from me so that all I could see was his untidy bronze hair as he gazed out the window. I pulled in front of his driveway and parked against the curb.

Miraculously, I’d made it again. Carefully, I inhaled through my nose to experiment with my control. The sweet bouquet of the boy’s blood was potent and even more mouthwatering than usual from the snow turned rain that’d wet his hair. I hadn’t considered the possibility that he could smell better than before, and I kept myself from groaning aloud as I dug my nails into my own palms. The tingling sensation in my nose was as though I’d sniffed some powerful chemical, the burning sensation in my throat as though I’d taken a long drag of a cigarette. But more painful. More demanding. Desire, need flew from my core out towards my extremities, and the beating of his heart pumping the blood through his body drummed loudly in my ears. It seemed to move through me, my frigid body almost twitching with every pulse, ready to lunge forward and crush his neck to my lips.

“What was your mother like?” He asked me suddenly, his voice soft. Edward turned from the window to face me, and I was bewildered by the intensity of his expression. His eyes were light and beautiful against the gloomy grey of the sky, and they squinted slightly as though studying my face like this information was absolutely essential. But this was not what stunned me, as I’d already seen the severity of this expression before in our ephemeral time together. It was the unexpected vulnerability of his stunning face. The more time I spent looking at him, the more I realized how beautiful this human boy really was. And it seemed a great tragedy for this beautiful boy to harbor such devastation in his eyes.

Whereas previously in his presence, my thoughts had become incoherent due to a lapse in control, now my thoughts were incoherent in distress and desperation to understand what had gone wrong and how I could fix it. I was momentarily dumbfounded, but I pulled myself together after the soft sound of a few droplets of rain against the roof reminded me that he was waiting for an answer.

“Well, she looked a lot like me, but prettier,” I began stupidly. He raised his eyebrows. “Or at least, she used to look a lot like me, and I used to look a lot like her. I don’t so much anymore.” It’d been so long since I’d really spoken about my mom, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. I knew I should have made some comment about whether or not she looked like Esme or Emmett since our story made us siblings, but I didn’t want to taint the rarity of sharing who she was with a lie.

“She was more outgoing than I am,” I continued, thinking through the foggy memories I held onto from my human life.

“That’s difficult to believe,” Edward teased quietly, his lips curving into a half smile.

I laughed, listening to the melodic sound of it, thinking of how it symbolized how very much different I was now from the human girl my mother knew.

“I was always very shy,” I smiled, before speaking up again, caught in the echoes of my past. “She was brave and irresponsible and slightly eccentric. And she was a very unpredictable cook!”

I laughed aloud again thinking of some minor explosions in our tiny kitchen and some questionable dishes. Edward laughed too, but when our laughter faded into the falling of the rain, my smile faded.

“She wasn’t perfect,” I admitted. “I think I recognize now that she was very fallible. I worshipped her when I was younger, but when I think back, I do see how in some of the ways she raised me, I was done a disservice… I grew up too fast. When she died––“ I sighed, feeling insincere and guilty about perpetuating this lie when I really should have said when I died, “––Esme became more of a mother to me, and even Rosalie’s been more traditionally nurturing than my mom ever was… But still, she was my best friend.”

“You miss her,” he murmured simply. I met his gentle eyes.

“Yes,” I bit my lip.

“How old are you, Bella?” Edward asked. “And not the formulaic, theorized version where you were born in your thirties. How old are you really?”

I tensed, wondering if he was asking this again because he’d taken note of how I didn’t directly answer this question the last time he asked.

“Seventeen,” I answered automatically.

“You don’t seem seventeen,” he responded, reproachful.

The tension left my body at the tone of his voice. I smiled again easily.

“Sorry?” I asked, biting my lip to hide the smile, unsure of how to respond.

Edward chuckled and the subtle crinkles by his eyes lit up his face. “Well, I wish you’d been given a happier, normal childhood.”

“I’m fine,” I shrugged, brushing it off. “I hardly remember most of it, and what I do remember reminds me that I probably didn’t have much chance at a normal childhood to begin with. I was terribly shy, remember.

“I did do girl scouts, though….Oh, and ballet briefly,” I admitted, unsure as to why I was volunteering so much information about myself. Wasn’t the purpose of me sitting here to uncover information about him?

“Why does that make you… embarrassed?” Edward’s eyebrows pulled up.

For an odd moment, I felt betrayed by the flush of my cheeks before I realized there was no blood rushing to my face. I blinked, bewildered by the peculiarity of this long buried instinct to become frustrated with my easy blushes when I hadn’t blushed for years. I felt self conscious as I wondered what Edward saw reading my expression to so perfectly decipher my feelings.

“I was very uncoordinated,” I dismissed his question as I fought the urge for my hand to flutter to touch my cool cheek.

“Now that truly is difficult to believe,” Edward half-smiled. “I can’t imagine I’ve seen anyone as graceful as you.”

I laughed aloud at his compliment, though I didn’t doubt his sincerity. I knew this was true of myself. It was true of all of our kind to appear fluid and effortless, but still, no one had ever applied the word to me. My vampiric poise was irrelevant and unimpressive to my family, and the very few humans brave enough to overcome their nerves to compliment me typically found their words to fail them.

“You’re very odd,” I beamed.

“What do you mean?” The bronze-haired boy asked, again wanting to be let in on the secret. While I had an insatiable thirst, it seemed he had an insatiable curiosity.

“How old are you really? Your word choice is bizarre for someone your age, you know.”

“Oh,” he laughed easily. “Well, I’m actually not seventeen. I’m eighteen. But I’ll try to strictly adhere to a more teenage vernacular, so I can compliment you in a more acceptable way from now on.”

I looked out at the dim light of the brewing storm, my smile fading as I decided that I should probably allow him to escape me before I did something I’d regret. But I knew I wasn’t resolved enough to completely leave him alone. He made me monopolize too much of the conversation, and I wasn’t satisfied with what I knew about him yet.

I sighed aloud, and Edward, too, looked out at the rain darkened sky.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” he asked hopefully, making the assumption that our conversation was coming to an end.

“Yes,” I promised reluctantly. My eyes flickered back over to his pretty face, studying the lines of his strong jaw, his chiseled cheekbones, his full lips, committing this inconsequential face to memory as I silently resolved that this should be –– and would be –– one of the last times I’d allow myself to be this close to him. Tomorrow may well be the very last.

Likewise, as though his thoughts were in the same vein, his beautiful green eyes studied my face as well, though he did so in that mysterious way of his where he looked at me as though hoping to read my mind.

He sighed, then collected his backpack. Edward opened the door, stepping out into the bitterly cold weather. A shiver ran through his lanky body, making my body tense with perverse excitement. I cringed away from the deadly instinct and swallowed against the dryness of my yearning throat.

Edward’s tall, lean frame leaned down to peek into the car.

“Goodnight, Bella,” he spoke softly.

“Goodnight, Edward,” I almost whispered, gazing into the beauty of his dazzling green eyes.

Edward smiled his half smile, and closed the door, escaping into the building torrent of rain.

I gasped in relief at his absence, then stiffened realizing how the cab of the car was still heavily perfumed with his scent. I took in another deep breath, forcing myself to confront the burning thirst again, willing myself to manage it. I sighed as I hit the gas, making Edward disappear behind me.

Both my control and the rain pour strengthened significantly as I turned onto the long drive leading to my house. I grimaced as I wondered how I’d face my family and explain the complete reversal of what I’d promised to do. I didn’t have time to consider for much longer as suddenly, a figure appeared instantaneously in the drive. I slammed my foot on the brake immediately in shock at its appearance, not wanting to total yet another car against one of my siblings.

I peered through the windshield, unable to see through the complete downpour that submerged my vehicle as though it were underwater. It was annoying for my perfect sight to be obstructed by anything, rainwater or even the transparent windshield because of my eyes’ desire to focus on the microscopic scratches.

The car violently screeched against the muddy pavement, and it looked as though we would have to bid this car goodbye until the figure hidden by the storm placed their hands out on the car roughly and forced it to a stop. The tires screamed in protest, and the metal groaned as it warped into the shape of the palms. I listened as it unnaturally bent again in a piercing moan as the figure fixed the indentions they’d created.

My windshield wipers swatted away a flood of water. Finally, I could make out my sister Rosalie, her hair dripping wet down her back like a supermodel who’d just emerged from a pool on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Her exquisite face was absolutely furious.

I gulped, feeling like a child who’d just been discovered sneaking home past curfew.

I felt uncertain as to what to do and why she’d chosen to stop me here. Surely she could wait for us to be under the cover of the garage before she chastised me. Not wanting to be drenched by the rain, I revved the engine to ask her to move aside, but the car didn’t inch forward against her strength. Beginning to feel annoyed, I revved the engine again loudly and for longer, but still, she didn’t move.

“Rose,” I hissed as I hit the brake again so that the car could roar viciously in the storm, only to be cut off by the voice of my adopted mother.

“Girls!” I couldn’t see Esme through the obscured glass behind the downpour, but even with the barrage of the rain, I could hear her lithe steps run furiously to the front porch. “Please!”

Rose’s head snapped up to look in Esme’s direction before turning to glance unhappily back at me. She stepped aside, and I sped into the garage, parking the car hastily.

I exited immediately and went to expect the damage to the front of the hood. It was only a minuscule bend from having been pushed and prodded back and forth, and I was positive Rosalie could make it look like new, though why it had been necessary to punish the car was beyond me. It wasn’t even mine.

I wheeled around once I’d heard the near-silent steps of her run, a wave of anger making me forget my guilt.

“Are you insane?!” I demanded.

“I could ask the same of you, Bella!” Now free from the obscurity of the rain, I could see in perfect detail the stunning fury of her glorious face. Her golden hair had been darkened by the rain, and it was slicked back effortlessly, like a glittering waterfall down to the middle of her back. She looked like a wrathful god, but I couldn’t find it in my stubbornness to care about how valid her anger may be.

“Okay, but did you have to take it out on the car? What did it ever do to you! You couldn’t have waited another twenty seconds to confront me? Well, you have my attention now, Rosalie, so say whatever it is you want to say!”

“You’re just unbelievable, Bella!”

“He’s not going to say anything, Rose! We already talked about this yesterday. You heard Alice! He’s not a threat to you and Emmett, so I don’t understand why you’re taking this so personally.”

“Exactly, Bella. I heard Alice. Which is precisely why I fail to understand as to why you wouldn’t understand why I’d take it so personally. After all these years of sisterhood, how can you not understand how I feel about this?”

I frowned, my forehead puckering, but still, I retained my anger. She huffed, continuing.

“If it was an inevitability, I’d understand. However, it hurts me deeply that you recognize the choice that you have. The choice that Edward has. And still, you’re willing to play with his mortality as though it were a game, when I never had that choice.”

I froze, the realization dawning on me that she was right. No matter the ways in which I tried to justify my actions or spin my intentions, she was right. Another part of my mind acknowledged that while I was aware of right and wrong, I wasn’t certain that what was right would be enough to keep me away anymore.

We stared each other down much like we had yesterday. Only today, rather than anger, her face was contorted in hurt, and mine was contorted in hopelessness.

“But… you found Emmett when he was still human…” I weakly protested, selfishly trying to highlight the irony, though I knew it was pointless as I wasn’t advocating for Edward to be changed either. That was too complicated a thought to wrap my mind around. But whatever may happen –– and I was still very much aware of the worst of possibilities –– I didn’t want my sister to hate me for it.

“He was dying, Bella,” Rosalie whispered. The anger on her face had completely faded, and in its place, pain marked her eyebrows, her full lips, her golden, sad eyes. In her sadness, she looked like a work of art, like one of those paintings of a weeping saint. “It’s not the same.”

I didn’t have a response to that, and I felt as though I was at an impasse, both with myself and with Rosalie. Because I knew the promises I’d made and broken, but I knew the promise I’d made to Edward today, and I had no willpower, no desire, and no intention to break that promise.

“You may not feel anything for him now,” Rosalie began, her eyes intently fierce as they bore into mine to warn me. Only this warning felt significantly more horrible than I’d imagined it may be, because it wasn’t made in anger, but in desperation and love. “But if Alice is right, you will. And it seems to me a horrible way to repay someone you love to steal their life, their future, their soul from them. You should leave him alone now while you still can, because once you love him… it’ll only hurt more one way or another. And you’ll have to live with that for the rest of your existence. I know I have.”

And with that, Rose turned, her face cold and sad, and she left the garage.

#equinoxjw #twilight fanfiction #twilight renaissance #twilight au #twilight fanfic #the twilight saga #twilight saga #twilight #edbella #edward cullen #bella swan #edbella fanfic

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fanmoose12 · 4 years ago

Note

Hello again It is me the worried anon about their fanfic. Actually, I am so grateful for your feedback, I thought about sharing more with you? If this annoys you, tell me in your next reply, I will stop immediately and I will fully understand it. I hope you are ok with my being my exclusive reader if that is not too weird? Here I go with another part: I don’t know exactly why I am writing what I have already experienced years ago; is it my habit to organize my thoughts whenever I feel lost? Is it the need to remind myself how I became who I am now? May be all of them together? Where should I start? I guess I will record the beginning of all this. At the age of 6, I started talking about people I never met, I said names I never heard and called people in my sleep while crying and screaming whom I never knew. My parents thought that I was another scared child of whatever scares children at this age and ignored my actions. I grew older and the dreams became more violent, the faces became more recognizable, the names started to ring bells that only I could hear and it became even harder to pretend that I don’t experience all that.

My parents decided to consult a psychologist who silently listened to my story of how I was seeing grown up people fighting scary huge creatures; they were eaten, tortured and killed brutally even when they fought back. I described this hellish world as well as I could only to be diagnosed with hallucinations and early signs of schizophrenia. That’s when I learned the first lesson but not the last lesson in my life. Never share what you saw with anyone but yourself.

Ever since I was young, despite all the nightmares, I have always found my peace wherever there were books, plants or both, and I was such a friendly dork who longed for friends but never had one. I met some children and made some fleeting memories but once I started getting used to them, they would never show interest in my friendship again, well, I can’t blame them now if all my drawings were huge ugly smiling creatures eating little screaming humans, can I? My parents had enough of my madness and I was sent to a mental institution where I was under observation for months without being given real medication due to how young I was. Luckily, the doctors noticed that I was younger than the usual age when schizophrenic patients show any reliable signs ; My parents never visited me though, they called once a week but never cared to show up even on my birthday in September I received a short call to remind me that I became 10 years old and that they love me and that’s it. I stayed there for six month which I spent reading, digging in the small garden of the institution, getting scolded by the nurses, reading and digging again and the life went on. The doctor who was responsible for my case was fascinated by my behavior, he made sure to test my mental state and abilities quite often and I remember his kind and impressed smile after every test, it filled me with joy and pride even if didn’t say it often and that’s when I started to understand that I was exceptionally smart. He kept testing me whenever he had a chance using games, questions, tests and after each session, I got a new book. He became my one and only friend in a place where I was the youngest resident they ever had. He kept trying to ask me about my dreams but I learned my lesson by then and so I denied everything I said earlier with the most innocent and clueless smile I could give. He could never succeed and always smiled accepted my lies with a kind yet disappointed smile.

I spent my days there doing the same things on daily bases or at least that’s how it looked like… Alone in my room, I learned even more from my nightmares. There was a beautiful blond girl called Nanaba, a very tall blond man called Mike, another tall blond man called Erwin and another man called moblit but the most interesting of all was a short, grumpy yet very strong man called Levi. My 10 years old self memorized the names and faces but didn’t have enough memories to know who they were back then until this fateful night when the fire broke out in the floor where I stayed. I still shudder whenever I remember this moment.

Fire scares every living being no matter how fearless they are, we all can agree on this fact but in my case, I was beyond terrified. I was literally burning…alive.

It was as if I was teleported to a different world. I was flying up in the air. The scary giant creatures were there but with a major difference. They were radiating heat and flames, it was impossible to avoid them if you were close enough and yet, I was so close to them that I felt the heat on my skin without touching them. I managed to kill one Then another Then another I was a lot older than myself then, I was stressed, worried and in pain. I kept on slicing the back of their nicks though. After the fourth one, the fire caught my clothes. The last one in the first row who was about to destroy a weird looking plane forced me to ignore the flames that started to burn the ends of strange clothes. I had to kill him or everything will be lost…. The fifth went down. He didn’t fall alone this time; I started to feel the burning sensation climbing my body, getting more and more painful with each passing moment, I screamed when I could not take the pain anymore, I didn’t know for how long I kept falling or screaming. Everything ended as it started, suddenly. I opened my eyes to find myself in another room. No burns, No fire, No scary huge creatures. Dr Ethan, the friendly doctor who kept my stay in the institution as enjoyable as possible was looking at me with an obvious relief on his face: Hana? How are you feeling now? Can you see me and hear me? I looked at my left hand that was wrapped carefully: I am fine Dr, my hand! The fire…What happened?

He kept the same kind smile: it is ok now Hana…You are safe now…your hand was burned when you tried to push the door to escape; only your palm but it wasn’t too serious. I tried to push the door? What door? When?

I asked: I don’t remember that? Where are my parents? Can I call them? My young self could not think of anyone but them at that moment even if they didn’t. I hoped that would be enough for them to take me home. Dr Ethan remained silent for a few seconds then said: Hana…you fainted because of the smoke you inhaled…you have been very brave trying to open the window and even push the door to save yourself…you are impressive as usual but you need to rest now. I remember how angry and scared I was: Dr Ethan I want mommy! I want to tell them that I was going to die! I remember that it was the first time in those six months to cry like the real child I was; I was terrified, confused, tired and scared.

He tried to maintain the same smile: Hana, it is too late at night now…you should sleep and we will call them the first thing in the morning, I promise.

I couldn’t say anything…I nodded quietly so that I can be alone, I didn’t want anyone around me, I only wanted my parents. After he left the room, I kept sobbing silently all night until I learned another harsh lesson in the morning. That's another part of it, I hope my asks don't annoy you, Remember you can always be as honest as you want, I really appreciate your feedback as much as I love your work.

omg don't feel sorry or worried that you annoy me! your work is really good and i'm so honored that you decided to share it with me🥺

and i've gotta say i'm so interested in what happens next! that doctor, he is up to something, right? oh, and that fire! i wonder what was the cause of it? will hange find the others? and what lesson she learned? i'm so, so hooked!

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adamdriverwrites · 5 years ago

Text

Carpe Noctem || Part 4

Plot summary: Mob boss’s daughter & bodyguard au ft. Kylo Ren. Based off this plot bunny (x)

Warnings: none today, kids

Word count: 5329 (prepare yourself)

Pairing: Kylo Ren/Reader

A/N: Here is part 4 finally! NZ is in quarantine, so i’ve been trying to write and gif a lot more! expect another update soon! let me know what you guys think!

Taglist: @helloimindelaware, @dandydragonz, musicalcoffeebean, @driverficarchive, hazydespair, @mp938368, @maybell88, @bikinibrattoms, @fanfic-fangirl, @stillreadingfantasy, @um-well, @OnevergrowoldnevergrowoldO, @jay-ta-blog, @wildwood-trails, @stephhaniee14, @flowerniche, @sanfranciscroc, @little-miss-mischief1, @pami-yui, @lex-bb13, @deepblueswift13, @allknowingnerd, @shawnme-boy, @whymalu, @simonsbluee, @jons-angel, @whymalu, @mixtapes-books, @amazing1rl, @ambrosia-v-black, @souriemickey, @toads4days, @xsar-bearx, @lunarlung, @bubble-t-r-o-u-b-l-e, @cutiepiepotatoes, @bangtan-savage

Masterlist here

Just family.

If you weren't so opposed to the idea of making a scene, then you would have confronted your father about why he was such a deceiver.

It was clearly not strictly family. After you had gone to your room to change, you met your siblings down in the formal dining room, where they had been drinking and waiting for you to arrive. You all moved to the dining room. Roman, Ares and Lyon sitting on either side, your father taking his legendary seat at the head of the table. However, with Kylo sitting next to your Dad, the only space available was opposite, also next to your father.

Phasma was also seated at the table, thankfully separating Ares and yourself, which you did not mind one bit. In fact, a part of you was almost excited to catch up with Gwen after all this time.

As you stared at your food in front you, silence permeated the room. Save for the lone conversation between your siblings, few words exchanged, otherwise it was a tense, quiet affair. The dining room was huge, with a table fit for easily 20 people and with the 7 of you spread around one half of it, you still had a sizeable space between each other.

You gathered it was your fathers disposition that put everyone on edge. Sitting at the head of the table, nursing a glass of amber liquid. His food completely untouched as he watched everyone. The only one who seemed completely unperturbed by it was Kylo, eating the rack of lamb with a citrus and blue cheese salad without a care in the world it seemed. He was his usual stoic form, though unperturbed by the lack of conversation or apparent awkwardness that lingered, he ate dinner and kept to himself.

Your mind wandered to what Hux had told you about him earlier. About how he was your fathers sword and shield, apparently unflinching in his ability to spill blood. You had been gone for a number of years, and before you left for good you were still rather young - however you were perceptive. Due to your perceptiveness however, you knew he hadn't been around for a long time, not since you were a kid. So where the fuck did he come from?

"Is it always like this?" As conversation ensued at the other end of the table, you leaned over to Gwen to whisper quietly.

She chewed through a piece of meat, swallowing before answering, "We don't usually have dinner like this. Ever, really."

You nodded, not really receiving an answer to your question - you wanted to know if everything was usually this tense. Or if the day of Mallory's funeral was such a reason. "Good to know that we won't have to be subjected to this too often then."

"Don't worry," Phasma smiled down at you, "This isn't awkward because of you."

Your eyes drifted down the table, Roman and Ares laughing about something quietly to themselves - Lyon's eyes however - were locked on you. A hard stare as he pushed his food around his plate, haphazardly shoving some into his mouth before looking over at your Dad.

"Sure." you offered, though not completely convinced of her assurance; however kind of a gesture it was intended to be. You knew it was because of Mallory's funeral, that was the predominant proverbial wound, though your presence was pouring salt into said wound.

It made it so much worse, this you were sure.

Roman's voice quietened your internal monologue, speaking your name to gather your attention. You looked over to see him looking at you. "I'm going to Starkiller later on. You wanna come with?"

Starkiller was one of the only legitimate businesses your family had. One that wasn't used to launder money like the Supremacy, it was purely for profit. Though as you grew up you guessed it was your father's way of keeping your brother out of trouble. He had something to do, something to look after, and it was away from the dangerous dealings that could prove fatal. It was a club on the outskirt of your father's turf, under Roman's management though you didn't think he did much 'work' while there.

"What time were you thinking?" You spoke quietly, as not to disturb other conversation happening at the table and not to alert anyone eavesdropping. Your eyes flickered over to your new bodyguard, eating quietly, not even looking at you.

Roman shrugged, "After dinner sometime."

You nodded, "I'm a little jet lagged still. I might have a nap and come later?" You didn't want to go particularly, and you were definitely not jet lagged. To the contrary, you felt quite awake, you just had other ideas and perhaps it could prove a useful alibi.

"Sounds good." He smiled, then went back to eating food off his plate.

"How's school?" It was now your father's voice that pulled your attention. He looked at you while he asked, still not having touched his food. Only nursing a glass and looking over his family.

"It's going okay, thanks."

Phasma piped in next to you. "What do you study exactly? I don't think I've ever actually asked."

"I have a double major; law and psychology." You nodded, it sounded like a brag though you didn't intend for it to be. Although other members of your family looked down on education, others did not.

"Wow, interesting choice. Impressive." Phasma shot you a little smirk.

"You going to be ready to be my lawyer soon?" Roman joked from down the table.

"Or mine." Your father spoke up.

You gave them a half smile in return. Unable to tell the truth- that you had no intention of being a lawyer, it was just something you were studying because you wanted to possess the knowledge of the judicial law system and all the rules in place. You didn't particularly have intentions of breaking the law but if you did... then it would prove extremely fruitful. Psychology was another interest, you found it imperative to understanding your enemies - not that you had many of those either. Yet.

But you were the daughter of Andrew Snoke, and being made to feel so powerless in your youth gave you a complex as you grew up. You needed to acquire knowledge like no one had in your family before, and maybe then you would feel worthy. Powerful.

Dinner passed by quickly. As soon as everyone had finished, your father offered to move it to the office in the west wing of the manor for more drinks. You were going to decline, playing the excuse of jet lag almost immediately, however, you decided to acquiesce and have one drink. For Mallory.

Lyon and Ares started racking up the polished balls on the pool table, setting up for a game. Roman talked lightly with your father, pouring drinks from a crystal decanter for everyone who wanted one. Kylo was back to a dark corner of the room; finding a seat to watch over everyone and smoke a cigarette. He didn't fraternize with the others, or try to relax with a friendly game of pool. Always stoic and always working evidently.

You followed Gwen, finding a seat near the tall open windows facing the backyard. Curtains parted slightly, cool breeze blowing in faintly. Too dark to see out but the fresh air helped ease your mind, if only for a moment.

"Here." Gwen offered you a cigarette from her pack and you kindly accepted. A horrible habit, you knew, but to you it was a small price to pay for stress relief. A hit of nicotine helped your thoughts calm down, and deprived any ill feelings purchase in the forefront of your mind. You could have a few moments not totally at the behest of your anxiety or depression.

"Thank you." You accepted, along with the flame she held up so you could light it. Inhaling deeply, you gave yourself a second to appreciate the reprieve before you exhaled. And then braved to ask Gwen a question. "So come on, be honest with me."

Her pale eyes met yours, and quirked a brow. "I almost always am."

A short laugh escaped your lips. "Thanks for the honesty." Your eyes drifted around everyone, to see if anyone was paying particular attention. "But I mean... how serious is my Dad about all this bodyguard shit?"

"I'd say pretty serious. He assigned me to Roman after all."

This made you sit forward. "Really?" That was particularly serious. "I thought it was a sexist thing, that he didn't think I could take care of myself but, huh..." You sat back in the chair, thrown for a loop. You didn't think it was really that serious. Sure, there were aspects of Mallory's death suspicious but he was on high alert. Enough to warrant some of his most ruthless and trusted men - and women - to become glorified sitters for his children.

"You've all been assigned someone."

"Why didn't I get you? Why did I get him?" Your eyes shot over her shoulder, the furthermost corner of the sprawling room. Kylo sat with your father, drinking. His dark eyes trained on you; already watching.

Always fucking watching. You pulled your eyes away immediately, though you were positive he would not have been able to hear a word from the distance, or over your siblings shouts and taunts. His eyes were on you regardless and it made you uneasy.

Any hint of a smile covering Phasma's lips instantly dropped. The furrow in her brow set in again. "Well... you're you." She took a drag of her cigarette. "And as much as I hate to admit this, he's the best. Snoke is just being cautious."

"The best at what exactly?" You took a drag of your own cigarette, ashing in the crystal ashtray on the coffee table between you. Something flared in Gwen's eyes, what, you were not sure. Worry? Anger? Jealousy? Or was it fear? You had no idea.

"You're smart. I think you already know." She looked like she didn't want to talk about the subject anymore. You weren't sure if it was your father's presence, or Kylo's that deterred her from spouting any more honest truths.

Your mind went to Hux, and the words he had so freely spoken before dinner had you wondering. Calling Ren your father's right hand man, the problem solver.... a rabid animal. You knew your family was bad. By conventional terms with a modern sense of morality, they were evil.

Criminals, murderers, extortioners, torturers, tax-evading, wealth-hording, gun-shipping, drug-running psychopaths to be exact.

And as bad as you all were, everyone in the Snoke manor was scared of only one person; your father. He was a much older man now, and though he still held a significant amount of power over everyone in the house - it appeared he now had passed the torch on. All physical bouts and messy jobs were now Kylo's to execute, and it seemed he did them perfectly.

You had never seen or heard of him before. You wondered how new he was exactly, and how quick he had risen in the ranks to become your fathers most trusted man. He would have had to prove himself immensely, and the concept of what that possibly entailed both scared and intrigued you. You wondered what types of violence your father found to be grounds for proof of trust.

You made a mental note to ask Armitage how long he had been around, along with a few others things flying around your brain. Weirdly, they were all questions about Kylo Ren.

You decided to cool your thoughts, and continue small talk with Gwen. You asked about your brother, and what her new schedule was like since it hadn't appeared he had changed much. She confirmed that she spent most of her nights at Starkiller, watching your brother party with his friends.

You shared a few jokes at the expense of your family, especially when Lyon lost a game of pool and almost snapped the pool cue over his knee in anger. A glare from your father and his anger simmered down almost immediately. You finished your cigarette, though enjoying talking with Gwen you were thoroughly over this fucking situation. A drunk sausage fest with your family in which none of them even wanted to talk to you, to spend time with you. Your father could hardly stand the sight of you.

You gave him the benefit of the doubt - he had buried his daughter today, and looking at the face of your other estranged one was certainly not a priority he had to have. You expected nothing on arrival, and had already had a few days of drama free bliss. Really, your sisters death had the opposite reaction on your Dad than you thought it would.

You supposed you would enjoy it while you could. You thought it was going to be utter chaos here, loud arguments between you and your father, leading to a crescendo in which you would be forced to leave once more.

You decided to bid Gwen goodnight, finishing your drink in two big gulps you braved the walk to your father. Zig zagging around your brothers and the Snoke enforcers, you found your way to your Dad and Kylo. His eyes were focused on the drink in his hand, amber liquid swirling in a glass slowly. Kylo noticed you before he did.

"Dad?" You pulled him out of his reverie and he looked up. "I think I'm going to head to bed, I’m not use to New York time yet."

"Oh." He nodded, "Okay. Sleep well, kid."

You gave the faintest smile, eyes shooting to Kylo who stared you up and down. A curious look behind his eyes - like he knew you were lying. Though your father seemed completely fooled. You left immediately, trying to ignore the awkward goodbye with your father, you snuck out the doors and headed to your bedroom.

Checking your phone, it was only about 10 p.m. You figured jetlag would set in eventually, but after today’s days events you felt wide awake. You didn't want to go to sleep yet. Maybe you couldn't.

You shed out of your funeral clothes, getting changed into something far more comfortable. A white cropped t-shirt, dark jeans, and your trusted leather jacket. Slipping on some fresh socks and swapping you shoes for your black doc martins. You checked your appearance in the mirror before sighing. You looked good considering everything you had been through today.

Usually you looked like shit.

Grabbing keys, money, phone and smokes you locked your bedroom door, turned off the light and left out the window. It may have been almost ten years since you had done this, but it was a tried and true trick for sneaking out when you had more than 10 people staying at your house at any given time. Especially when some of those people's job were specifically to make sure people didn't get in or out without the family's knowledge. There was no way in hell you were going to make it out the front door without anyone finding out.

Or worse, Kylo.

You were hellbent on deterring his body-guarding for as long as you could; hopeful it would serve as eventual proof to your father that you did not need to be looked after. You didn't even want to think about how uncomfortable he made you feel.

Not in a bad way, you weren't scared of him like everyone seemed to be. But being in such close proximity was jarring in a certain way, despite his stoic, murderous presence, you couldn't stop staring at his face. At that scar, at those deep, brown eyes.

And at those lips.

He was hot, in an unconventional way, and you almost never found men sexy. For this reason alone you wanted to stay as far away as possible. You didn't even want to broach the reason of whatever the fuck had you thinking about Kylo Ren's lips.

There was a large trellis that covered almost the whole wall underneath your window. Covered by thick ivy vines that sprawled up most of the 3 story Snoke manor, you used this to sneak in and out of your room up until you were sent off to boarding school. And even when you came back for a Christmas once. It was a trick you had learned from watching Mallory sneak out when you were younger.

You poked your head out first, making sure you couldn't see anyone on a perimeter watch, another thing your father's lackeys did sometimes. Seeing the coast was clear, you positioned your feet and then moved out, leaving your window open for entry later. Making sure your footing was placed carefully and with a strong grip, you made your way down the side of the house. Your bedroom was on the second floor, though your house was notorious for high ceilings and you were pretty high up off the ground. Adrenaline kicked in and cooler heads prevailed as you made the climb down to the ground. Once your feet touched the grass underneath your window, you breathed a sigh of relief.

The garage was big enough to house all the vehicles of the multiple people who lived at your house. The entrance was under the south wing of the house, which was an easy, quick walk from your room. You made it there in a minute or two, careful to stay away from windows in case you were seen by anyone randomly gazing out. Opening the last garage door, the one that housed your precious car, you hopped in and started it up. Leaving the lights off, you shifted gears and made it out onto the driveway. Careful that anyone looking out a window or wandering around the property wouldn't be alerted by bright car lights. You were trying very hard not to be seen and you were hoping your hard work was going to pay off.

You had spent years perfecting this technique of Mallory’s.

You drove down the long, winding driveway guided by moonlight alone, until you reached the end. You flicked your lights on and took the exit onto the road. You exhaled a deep breath, one you didn't know you were holding. Paranoia relieved a little bit as you made your way down the street, your eyes still glanced at the rear view mirror looking for car lights that might follow.

You were half worried that Kylo would be trailing you, someone seeing you slinking around the property in the dark and sneaking out would definitely pique interest. You didn't want a bodyguard, especially one who's presence made you uneasy. In which way in particular, you weren't sure. But you wanted to be alone right now.

You had been alone for years and years on end before this moment - what had changed now that you needed a bodyguard? Mallory's death? Most likely. Being back in the country could've proved you to be an easier target too, you guessed.

However, you had been gone for so many years, and being the black sheep of the family did provide one comfort - no one outside the family really knew who you were. You were a taboo subject, rarely talked about and never seen. You weren't involved in the family business like your brother's were, and didn't go to classy fundraisers and socialite parties like Mallory did.

Not to mention you took Brazilian jiu jitsu for years when you were a kid - and you remembered some shit. You weren't lying when you tried to convince your father that you would be fine on your own.

It didn't take long to enter the city, and then find the towering skyscraper that was the Finalizer. It was a tall, dark building with gothic architecture encompassing the facade, contrasted beautifully with its elaborate but minimalist, neutral toned interior. A 5 star safe haven for the rich, famous and criminally inclined. Your father had made sure whatever secrets were experienced within, never had a chance of escape.

You pulled your vehicle into the valet area, shifting into park you hardly had enough time to grab your stuff before a young man opened your door for you.

“Welcome to the Finalizer, ma'am.”

You gave a half smile in thanks, walking forward to the grandiose gold double doors that served as the entrance. Another young man opened them with a smile, welcoming you to the hotel.

Gold light from over hanging chandeliers illuminated the room. Bright mosaic patterns intertwined with white marble made up the floor. An expansive room with nothing but elevators behind a desk with two more people behind it. You were glad you remembered the pass code, unwanting to make conversation with people you didn't know. Not today.

You made a beeline straight for the elevator, stepping into the mirrored room, throwing a smile at the girl behind the desk as you passed. The numbers for all the floors were illuminated by a dim light, the top 3 floors reserved penthouses for permanent residences given out by your father. The very top floor was for family, a sort of unusual halfway house. For when his children couldn’t stand being near him but lacked the funds to move into their own abode. It was Roman's home once upon a time, then it was empty save for the odd weekend or two when your brothers were too drunk to leave the city, and then eventually Mallory’s home. You didn't know what your father was going to do with it now. If your sisters body hadn't been found in it then you would have been tempted to move in.

Although, depending on how bad it got at home - maybe you could be easily convinced.

A small keypad was situated next to the floor buttons, and you entered the pass code for your sisters floor, something that wasn't required of irregular hotel stayers who had simple key cards for their rooms.

The elevator rode all the way to the top, and you were lucky to be alone. The surge of the lift paired with the g-force, you felt your heartbeat rapidly fasten. You tried to peg its inception down to the anxiety that now clouded your mind. You were about to enter your sister's apartment after all.

The last place she was when she was alive.

You remembered your father telling you the place had been cleaned after the forensic evidence had been collected. You hadn't been here in so long that you hardly remembered it. You were shipped off to boarding school long before you were old enough to spend drunken weekends here.

The doors to the elevator opened right up into the apartment. Separating with a 'ding' it revealed the almost pitch black penthouse. A little stream of light from the lift exposed a golden beam down the otherwise dark hallway. You turned the torch on your phone to it's brightest setting, walking out into the penthouse. The doors shut behind you as you found the light switch, and the penthouse was suddenly bathed in light.

Tall, white walls of the hallway gave way to an open planned penthouse. Floor to ceiling glass revealed the neon New York skyline below. The spacious living room gave way to a kitchen on the far left and bedrooms on the far right. A garden laden outside area showed numerous seating with a table, a hot tub, and an infinity pool that disappeared off the edge.

It was clad in dark fabrics and white paint. A shiny, new, modern penthouse that was starkly different than the Snoke manor. It was sparse with furniture, minimalist in its decor; simple but effectively pretty. Mallory had kept the place nice and tidy, artwork and pictures littered the penthouse walls, giving it a burst of colour that was proof of her bubbly personality living here.

You shed your jacket, throwing it over the back of the couch, your items discarded along with it. Your eyes darted around the apartment, eager to find something out of place, unusual enough that you would notice. Though, your lack of experience with the space provided some trouble.

Mallory had taught you a lot growing up - how to escape down a trellis on the side of the house to avoid being detected was one of them. One of the others was having a good hiding spot.

Andrew Snoke was a controlling father growing up, especially with his daughters. And even more so with his favorite, Mallory. You didn't blame her for turning to drugs in her turbulent youth, not with the pressure she was under. Your brothers had done all that and worse and they hadn't been crucified for it.

And because of all of that, Mallory had taught you that hallowed out books, sun-glass cases in underwear drawers, and envelopes behind hung pictures were all great hiding spots.

You made your way to the bedrooms, finding the master that Mallory called hers. Everything was clean, put away, though a glance at the walk-in closet and the mass of designer dresses it was easy to deduce her presence. There was a large bed in the middle, side tables either side. Various artwork hung on the walls and the long, wooden shelf in the room was littered with pictures of her and her friends.

You noticed a few of them by face, probably knew all of them by name the amount she talked about them - though you couldn't tell who was who. Mallory's smiling face was what caught your eyes and cause you to still. Shining, bright eyes and a wide smile that you were familiar with. One that you would never see again. Your throat tightened at the thought.

You darted over to the side tables with purpose, to forget the overwhelming sadness creeping into your mind and replace it with something productive instead. You rifled through its contents, opening drawers and quickly sifting through objects. Pushing things to the side you safely checked for a false bottom of each shelf, but found nothing in particular. Moisturizers, sleep masks, and a pack of cigarettes - though nothing special.

You continued your rampage through her room, looking behind artwork hung on the walls, looking under the bed, under the pillows, in between the mattress and the bed frame, then moving to the closet. You checked in her boots, making sure nothing was concealed in there, before becoming desperate and looking in her shoe boxes and the pockets of her coats. Heaving a sigh of contempt, and resigning to the notion that there was nothing in this room you decided to move on.

You made your way to the kitchen - checking cereal boxes, and the freezer, large tins that she kept nestled in the pantry. You checked anything and everything you thought could be a possibility, but nothing seemed suspicious. Nothing was awkwardly placed, nothing moved every so often that dirt patterns formed; everything was normal.

You ventured over to the living room. You checked behind the artwork first, and behind one you find a safe built into the wall. Your interest was piqued momentarily before realizing these were in all your fathers properties - and housed usually large amounts of cash, jewels, important legal documents and the like. You were looking for something in particula, and figured it would not be inside a safe your father had access to.

You knew Mallory kept a journal, she had as a teenager, and once she grew up and tried to stay sober she had one documenting her thoughts. Something her sponsor told her might be able to help with her sobriety. You hoped if anything her diary would hold some impertinent information. Anything.

However, you were not inclined to think a diary she wrote in everyday was kept in a safe in the living room. Too many processes for something so ridiculous as a journal. You figured she was still like she was growing up - in that she preferred to hide things from the prying men in our family - but she wouldn't go to those lengths. Not if our father had the code to said safe.

You would ask him about it later, but resigned to not give up. It had to be somewhere. You were confident it was not in the safe.

A large flat screen was set against the wall, a wide fireplace underneath. Built into the wall either side were some bookcases, not housing anything but photos, some CDs, and ornaments that Mallory had collected over the years that obviously meant something to her. And a card from you, from her last birthday. Nothing pretty or pink, or particularly special but simply declaring your love for your sister.

You placed it back on the shelf, eyes moving over to a trophy from Mallory's high school days, a cheer-leading trophy, sitting next to it a picture of her winning prom queen, next to her tiara that she blatantly kept. You smiled, if only at the ridiculous nature and stark reality of how different you two were. Things she cared about weren't even on your radar - you two didn't have anything in common. Lived on different continents in fact, and still the two of you got together and it was some of the only moments you felt you were truly happy. You would drink, or maybe smoke a little pot together and would end up in stitches of laughter, faces and sides burning in pain. You were definitely going to miss her humor.

A smile curved your lips and you glanced over, eyes catching a gold trophy that caused you to still. You had seen it before, you remembered it briefly, and as your eyes shot down to the engraved tag, it read your name.

Your hands gripped the trophy, a gold metal showing a girl doing a roundhouse kick in a martial arts stance. "Holy shit." The words flew from your mouth without thought.

Mallory had kept it.

~~~~

You and competed in over 6 different competitions, fought in over 22 different matches, becoming the champion for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in the tri-state area for girls under 18. And you were only 13 years old at the time.

Years and years of rigorous training had led to this point, years of your youth spent on grueling grappling techniques and perfecting your punches. To this referee now announcing your name, a round of applause from all the parents in the stands stung your ears. He shook your hand, handing you the trophy. A flash from a camera blinded you momentarily, and you searched for familiar faces in the crowd.

Your eyes locked with Mallory's. She was standing up, clapping as hard as she could, a proud smile on her face. You looked at the seat next to her - reserved for your father.

It was empty.

Your heart dropped. You mustered a smile, praying for it to be over so you could go back to the changing rooms and release the tears that pooled in the corner of your eyes.

You locked your gaze with Mallory once more, and noticing the look on your face, and you glancing at the empty seat next to her, her mouth uttered an apology, providing a sincere look.

You bit your lip, squeezing the trophy as hard as you could in your hands until it was over. Once you were clapped off the stage with the girl who came 2nd and 3rd place, you ran to the changing rooms to find a lonely corner you could get out of your fighting robes.

You prayed for the tears to go away, to any God who was out there that could show one ounce of mercy to you. But no one answered. You were alone, and once one tear fell it was hard to stop the rest. Your father couldn't even come to your championship fight? He never devoted any time to you ever, and you were doing this because it made him vaguely proud in some way. Even still, he couldn't give you one second of his fucking time?

He had given you nothing, and you had done this all for him.

You sniffled, throwing your bag over your shoulder and haphazardly slipping your shoes on, you exited the changing room to meet Mallory outside the stadium.

"Oh my god! Congratulations!" She swept you up in a hug, perfume wafting through your nostrils, your face was buried in her blonde hair. "First place? Hell yes!"

You scoffed. "Yeah..."

She dampened at the sight of you, facade falling slightly. "Oh, come on, kid. Let's go get some ice cream, my shout."

"I don't know," you hitched the bag up your shoulder, "I don't really feel like ice cream."

She sighed, stepping forward to grab your hand that clutch the trophy. "I'm so sorry he didn't come, okay, but-"

"Did he say why?"

"Well, he just said he was busy and he had to-"

"He's always too busy." You interrupted her again. "He doesn't give a shit about me. I haven't seen him in weeks, and he's the one that put me into this martial arts bullshit!"

Mallory's weakening facade was demolished, and she burst into tears. "I'm so sorry."

You sighed deeply, though it had been evident you had been crying you chastised her regardless. "Why are you crying?"

"Because," she wiped her tears away, shifting her large handbag further up her shoulder, "Because I'm sorry. I'm sorry for Dad, for how he is and how he treats you." You weren't sure how but it seemed like she got even more upset. "And I'm sorry that I was fortunate enough to be nourished by her growing up and you were too young to experience-"

"Whatever." You cut her off again, before she could finish, she was crying with sympathy, empathy, whatever the fuck it was that caused her tears. If she finished her sentence you knew you would be reduced to the same fate. "Can you please take me home? I'm done."

You glanced over to the side, a stadium bin free standing. You walked over, taking one last look at the trophy before you threw it into the trash can. You glanced at Mallory, and then walked to the car park where she had her vehicle.You didn’t look back.

~~~

The two of you had made your way home, driving in silence. You remembered that day vividly now. Mallory was 8 years older than you were, so she had her license, and her own car. A whole life of her own. She was in college, eager to drink and socialize with her friends.

And then something changed.

You had never been close when you were younger, but after that day she had made a gratuitous effort of being in your life. Of supporting you emotionally and providing wisdom and comfort when you needed it. Of being a constant in your life, even when you left for boarding school. She was the only lifeline you had in this family. She had taken the role of father, and mother, and adopted those qualities to try give you a better life.

And she had kept it.

You clutched the trophy in your hands, even tighter. She must have picked it out of the trash, put it in her handbag and then followed you to the car.

And she kept it all this time. Never telling you about it, never trying to offer it back to you. She kept it as a proud memento on a shelf in her living room for herself. Your throat tightened, your lip trembling as you felt tears gather in your eyes. You couldn't hold it back, irrevocable sadness you had been keeping at a simmer turned into full on misery. You wept for times passed, over memories you shared with Mallory and the reality that you would never create any more. You cried over the possibility of the suspicious circumstances that surrounded her death, that someone could have taken her away from you before her time.

And you cried because you were alone, once again.

#carpe noctem #kylo x reader #kylo ren x reader #kylo ren fanficiton #kylo ren au #kylo ren imagine #adam driver x reader

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todaydreambelieversfic · 4 years ago

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Author Spotlight: Coffeegleek Day 2

Author : @coffeegleek

Share one of your strengths.

Humor, even if I'm the only one who's laughing. There's a reason I have the often used tag, "Sometimes I think I'm funny." :)

Share one of your weaknesses.

Redundancy. I try so damn hard not to repeat words, phrases, and sentences yet they always sneak in.

Which fic has been the hardest to write?

A Nest of Scars because it terrified me to put it out into the world. I both wanted to tell Kurt's origin story of his time in juvie, yet was/am still afraid I would attract haters and pedos. I held onto it for a year before publishing it. It doesn't have much traction at all and most of me is okay with that. I wrote it because I wanted to expand more on why Kurt acts the way he does in Empty Nest and Rebuilding the Nest. I also wanted to tell about the RL horrors that are happening to POC kids in the U.S. It was NOT an easy fic to write emotionally. It wasn't fun to write Kurt being abused from ages 6-13. My brain wouldn't let the story go, so now it's out there and done. Once the sequel to it and a couple of one shots are written, I'm hoping to let the verse go. Of course, I said that after Rebuilding the Nest too. Another hard part of that verse is wanting to write Kurt and Blaine's much happier life after Rebuilding the Nest. I have the characters, setting, and some basics down, but never could get enough plot to turn it into a worthwhile story.

Which fic has been the easiest to write?

The crack fic one shots, whose names escape me. The Hallmark Christmas fics have been a blast. The only challenge to A Very Hallmark Christmas was when I started spiraling into more Kurt angst than I'd wanted for the verse and had to pull myself out of it. Writing A Soulmate for Santa Claus, the movie Kurt and Blaine were filming during A Very Hallmark Christmas, and the commercials that aired during the movie were a joy. It's why I want to get back to the verse.

Is writing your passion or just a fun hobby?

A true passion. I've been writing my entire life and have totes full of my work from childhood to now. It's a life long dream to have my original sci-fi novel published. I worked on it on and off for nearly twenty years; the last major overhaul was finalized a few years ago.

Is there an episode or character or arc above all others that inspires you just a little bit more?

Burt's deep love for Kurt. As the parent of a gay son who ended up with PTSD due to homophobic and racist bullying, harassment, and assault it's a relationship I deeply relate to. I also relate to Kurt being an outsider who tries his best to rise above it all. Carole is a wonderful, relatable parent figure too.

What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever come across?

Write the fics you want to read, what you love, and want to see more of.

What’s the worst writing advice you’ve ever come across?

That language is changing and that I should stop complaining (in private or on posts about grammar) about people not using pronouns in their fics. Yes, language changes over time, but in this time, Kurt should not reach over to Kurt's dresser to pull out Kurt's lube and condoms.

If you could choose one of your fics to be filmed, which would you choose?

A Very Hallmark Christmas. It would be such a humorous delight with just a bit of relevant angst. It has everything - two actors (Kurt and Blaine) falling in love as their characters do on screen. An obnoxious child actor (Justin Goolsby's son) who makes the other child actors cry. A frustrated production assistant (Tina) who wants to kill the director (Artie.) A famous guest star (Mercedes Jones) who sings the movie's pivotal Christmas song. The actress who is so tired of having to be super nice in her roles (Santana.) POC actors complaining about the roles they're always forced to play. The shameless product placements. I watched hundreds of hours of Hallmark Christmas movies to get the cheesy dialogue just right. I even threw some fun Burt and Carole in the end. Can you tell I shamelessly love this fic and verse? :)

What’s your process? Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order? Do you use any tools, like worksheets or outlines? What are the perfect writing conditions for you?

I write the scenes out of order. Or rather, I start to write from the beginning, but there always ends up being a scene or block of scenes which take place later in the story that are written in-between. I always have at least one, sometimes two, google docs of notes that accompany it. If I didn't, the fic would get way too messy with my color-coded notes. I have outlines of sorts. For A Nest of Scars, its chapters go by Kurt's age and each has a line or two of dialogue as the quote at the beginning that tells the reader what's going to happen. I had many of those outlined before and during the writing process because I was very selective about what happens to him when. I had rules set in place and the ending had already been established in the original fic, Empty Nest.

With A Very Hallmark Christmas and A Very Weird Christmas Adventure, each chapter was defined by the Klaine Advent words of the day. I could never keep up to a chapter a day, so often I would have chapter notes with the words and ideas for them.

Perfect writing conditions - living room couch (where I essentially eat, sleep, and live as it's "my space" within the house,) a blanket and laptop on my lap, pillows comforting my back, lights off, cup of coffee on the coffee table, and the TV on to something I only half want to watch with the sound off and the remote at the ready in case I glance over and want to take a break from writing. Sometimes I'll have a song that I'll play on repeat if it's helping me to write a scene. (I do this a lot when writing original work; less so with Klaine fanfic.)

***

Check out Coffeegleek’s Fics

A Very Hallmark Christmas - Semi-famous actor!Kurt and semi-famous actor!Blaine work the Hallmark Christmas Movie circuit in true B-actor form. Though they’ve worked on the same movies before, this time they land roles that could change their lives forever. Mostly happy fluff, but has some angst. This is Hallmark, so of course it has a happy ending. Many of my favorite tropes have been included: badboy!Kurt who really has a heart of gold and sweetness, famous!Kurt, famous!Blaine, actor!Kurt, actor!Blaine, soulmates, soulmarks, AU Glee, angst with a happy ending, and fluff. There’s also a heavy dose of cheesy Hallmark Christmas Movie writing in both the script and commercials. In true AU form, canon characters abound in various non-canon roles.

Originally this was my Klaine Advent 2018 fic that I brain froze on and knew was confusing because the first 2 chapters were stand-alone, random one shots before I got the idea in chapter 3 for a whole verse. So this is that Hallmark story verse only reworked to make it better and stand on its own. All of the Advent words are included in this fic.

A Soulmate for Santa Claus - This is the movie, A Soulmate for Santa Claus, that was being filmed in the Kurt/Blaine fic, A Very Hallmark Christmas. It includes the commercials that were being filmed as well. New material is included.

A Very Weird Christmas Adventure - A crack fic of fun and all the tropes that continues after A Very Hallmark Christmas. You don't have to have read the original fic, but it helps.

#author spotlight #coffeegleek

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chelsfic · 5 years ago

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Hunter’s Heart - Din Djarin x OFC - Mandalorian Fanfic

Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five

Summary: Instead of finding a child the Mandalorian discovers his quarry is a young woman. The girl has been held captive and abused and she claims not to know why she’s being sought by every bounty hunter in the galaxy. Din knows she’s lying but for the first time he can remember he feels doubt about finishing a job.

A/N: If you get major Firefly vibes from this plot, that’s because I am definitely flashing back to my Jayne/River shipping days as I write this. I love that Din is the fierce, strong bounty hunter who’s secretly soft and I just couldn’t get the idea of being one of his bounties out of my head. So here we are… If you like this fic and you’d like to be tagged in it just let me know!

Warnings: Mentions past non-con

Rating: General for now

***

The Mandalorian freezes as he takes in the image before him. He’d been expecting maybe a grizzled ex-warlord or a hardened syndicate criminal. Instead the quarry that’s caused all of this grief appears to be a…girl. A young woman. It’s difficult to judge her age. She’s slight, thin, weak-looking. She’s been chained to a wall and, if the bruises and abrasions on her skin are any indication, clearly abused. In all his years of hunting, Din has never felt a moment’s hesitation or a second’s doubt about his actions. He takes in criminals, they do their time, take their punishment, and he gets paid. He’s a necessary link in the chain. Not good. Not bad. Necessary.

Today he pauses.

The droid doesn’t.

The IG unit raises its blaster arm to take aim at the girl who is visibly quaking in fear. Din has no qualms shooting the droid. Killing isn’t part of the arrangement he made with the client. Alive. He is bringing this bounty in alive.

The droid drops to the floor, smoke rising from the hole in its central processor made by Din’s blaster. He watches the girl flinch at the sound of impact, but she doesn’t look up. Her face is pointed away from him and she’s huddling into the wall as if hoping to somehow fade into the plaster and avoid notice. The muscles in her shoulders and arms twitch as she crouches there, hugging herself and purposely not looking at the intimidating bounty hunter.

Din is momentarily at a loss for words. Normally this would be the point where he addresses the quarry by name, confirms the bounty and locks them in a pair of binders. But he doesn’t know this girl’s name, or why exactly there’s a price on her head, and she doesn’t look like she can stand let alone try to escape from him. He clears his throat, a rare sign of discomfort that’s at least distorted by the helmet.

“Can you get up?” he asks. It’s uncharacteristic. He should command her to get up and come quietly.

The chains rattle as the girl shakes her head furiously and curls into herself even more. He’s encountered plenty of fear in his career as a bounty hunter. It comes with the job title. But he’s never been…bothered by it before. This job really is cursed. Something just isn’t right here. Why do they want this harmless looking woman?

Din steps forward, kneeling down to get a look at her face through the tinted visor of his helmet.

“Hey,” he says, reaching out as if to grasp her shoulder before thinking better of it and letting his gloved hand drop, “I’m not going to hurt you unless you give me a reason to, okay? But you have to come with me now.”

She blinks and he watches as fat tears spill over her cheeks. A string of expletives march through his thoughts but he stays silent and watches her in a way he knows people find unnerving. The girl looks up at him, not quite succeeding in meeting his gaze but getting it close enough. She inhales shakily before speaking in a voice cracked from disuse, “Where are we going?”

Din nearly sighs in relief and reaches out to begin working on her chains as he replies, “Back to my ship.”

The girl still looks wary but she rises on shaky legs and holds her hands out for him to cut through the chains with one of his tools. He wonders if she realizes who and what he is. If she even knows that there’s a price on her head. He can’t believe he’s letting this girl’s looks get to him like this. He’s seen plenty of bounties who looked the part of the innocent. What is different about this one?

As the chains fall away he makes up his mind to be more practical. He takes a pair of binders from his utility belt and watches as the girl shrinks from him with a look of dread on her face.

“No, no, please… No more restraints!” her eyes dart wildly around the room like a spooked animal. He wonders how long she’s spent in chains.

Din grabs a wrist and pulls her in until he’s leaning into her personal space and the girl is visibly cringing away from him.

“If I leave you unbound are you going to come quietly? No escapes. No running.”

She twists her arm attempting to dislodge his grip. The Mandalorian tightens his fingers just enough to hint at pain without actually causing her any injury. Seeing the futility of the effort she gives up and nods in defeat.

“I won’t run away,” she whispers, her head hangs down in submission. “I just don’t want anything else around my wrists.”

He releases his grip and watches as she gingerly rubs each wrist. They’re red and raw from the tight chains. Din feels a flash of guilt that’s entirely ridiculous. He quickly squelches it as he starts to make mental calculations for their extraction plan. It’s a long trek back to the Razor’s Crest and the girl doesn’t have any shoes. He looks her up and down and she shivers under the impenetrable tinted gaze of his visor. She’s dressed in a threadbare beige tunic and dirty leggings. No jacket either.

Din sighs and turns toward the blasted doorway, motioning her to follow, “Come on.”

Outside the courtyard of the compound is littered in bodies. Din eyes each form, sizing them up until he finds a little guy who’s close enough to the girl’s proportions. He bends over him and dispassionately strips the brown tactical jacket from his shoulders, tossing it in the girl’s direction, and then tugs the shoes from his feet.

“Put these on,” his voice is entirely unreadable thanks to the voice modulator.

The girl looks up at him with wide eyes and a doubtful expression. She picks up the jacket, holding it at length between two fingers and wrinkles her nose at it, “There’s blood on this…”

The Mandalorian just stares at her for a long moment completely motionless before he finally states, “Beggars can’t be choosers. Put it on. And the shoes. We have a long walk to my ship.”

She tugs the boots on first and is surprised by how well they fit. They’re not the most comfortable, especially without socks, but her feet have already started to burn on the sun-scorched packed earth of the courtyard. She glances up at the bounty hunter with a look of gratitude that may as well have been aimed at a rock for all the reaction she gets. She straightens and pulls the jacket on over her shoulders with a look of distaste but she’s at least glad for the protection from the harsh sun.

“Let’s move,” Din commands, striding ahead of her and expecting her complete obedience. He’s not worried about keeping her in his sight. Her short legs and weak condition would make it too simple to catch her if she decides to run.

***

They’ve been walking for about an hour when the Mandalorian stops suddenly and she sees his helmet slowly swivel to the side as he takes in their surroundings. She can’t see his expression but his sudden tension is telegraphed by his wary stance and she freezes in place behind him, holding her breath in sudden fear.

The form springs out at him from a shadowy crevice in the canyon wall, leaping from above and immediately engaging in combat while two others appear from nowhere and surround him. The girl drops to the dirt at the first sign of conflict and starts frantically shuffling away from the danger, taking refuge behind a boulder. She watches as her captor takes on all three bounty hunters with efficient, powerful movements that make it clear that even three Trandoshans are no match for one Mandalorian warrior. He takes them down one at a time until there’s only one desperate hunter left. The Trandoshan races toward her hiding place and she flinches with the familiar anticipation of pain but it never comes. Instead he’s vaporized by a shot from the Mandalorian’s rifle just before he comes within reach of her.

Din bends over his fallen foe and picks up the familiar looking tracking beacon. He feels a flare of annoyance with Greef Karga. How many damn beacons did he give out? He finds himself once again staring at the small woman cowering beneath the canyon wall. Her long, brown hair is tied back from her face but he can tell it’s stringy with sweat and grime. Her thin arms are covered in bruises and cuts. Why does the client want her so badly? Who is she? What is she?

***

They keep walking as the sun falls in the sky. Din knows the girl is getting tired. Every now and then she stumbles and has to catch herself to stay upright. It’s nearly nightfall when they come upon a small watering hole with some decent sized rocks for cover. When the girl sees the water she skips ahead, clearly relieved and thirsty.

“Wait!” Din commands. He catches up to her with his measured, unhurried strides. The girl is standing at the edge of the water and looking up at him with an almost pleading expression. “We have to test the water first to make sure it’s potable.”

She nods her head at his sensible words and waits as he dips a small device into the water and watches the display. A small light turns green and the Mandalorian nods wordlessly at her. She falls to her knees and dips her hands in the water, cupping them and drinking. The sun has warmed the water but it’s clean and refreshing and she nearly moans in relief as she drinks her fill. When she’s had enough she dunks her whole head, scrubbing her face and running her fingers through her dirty hair. She can’t remember the last time she’s been allowed to use a refresher to bathe but this feels positively luxurious. When she’s through washing her face and arms she sits back and notices the Mandalorian just standing over her.

The soulless helmet stares back at her and she feels a shiver run down her spine. She’d seen the way he incapacitated those other hunters in the canyon. He’s strong and deadly and he is now in charge of her fate. She‘s frightened of angering him but she feels the words bubble up to her lips anyway, “Aren’t you going to have some water?”

He lets an unnerving moment of silence pass before answering, “No.”

The girl’s brow furrows in confusion at his answer. They’ve been walking through the desert for hours, he must be thirsty…

“Aren’t you thirsty?”

“I can’t remove my helmet in front of another living being,” his voice comes out irritated and she feels herself subconsciously flinch away as if expecting to be hit for her insolence. Din doesn’t miss the reaction and he sighs wearily, “I told you I wouldn’t hurt you.”

She’s silent for a while, contemplating his words. He has not hurt her or shown any sign that he wishes to…but it must be an act, surely? She can’t remember a time before fear and pain and captivity. She’s never met a person who didn’t wish to harm her in some way to get her to do what they wanted. She keeps a watchful gaze on the bounty hunter as he settles down on the ground and leans his back up against a boulder. She can’t read anything from his mask and that frightens her more than anything. She can always tell when one of her jailers is about to strike out at her and she’s able to prepare herself for the blow. But this man is a mystery.

It’s been so long since she’s been allowed to speak, though. Now that she’s started the words keep coming.

“Why can’t you take off your helmet?”

“I’m a Mandalorian,” he explains simply. “It is the way.”

Din notices the blank look on the girl’s face and asks, “Don’t you know about Mandalorians?”

A blush creeps up her cheeks as if she’s embarrassed by her ignorance. She shakes her head in response.

“We don’t remove our armor in front of anyone. It’s part of our religion.”

“Oh,” she answers quietly. As the sun dips lower toward the horizon she can feel the temperature dropping and she’s grateful for the baggy jacket that she pulls tighter to her body. The Mandalorian seems unaffected by anything: thirst, the temperature, the exertion of walking for miles without rest. But his voice is that of a normal man. And though she’s never been shown kindness by a man in her life, she can’t help the instinct to offer kindness when she can. “I’ll close my eyes.”

“What?” Din asks, startled from his own musings.

The girl takes a breath for courage and repeats herself more clearly, “I’ll close my eyes. I promise I won’t look. So you can have some water. You must be thirsty.”

Din narrows his eyes behind the visor and regards her with suspicion. He’s been contemplating the likelihood that her innocence is all an act. Who in the galaxy has never heard of a Mandalorian? He shakes his head at her, “I don’t trust you.”

The girl looks puzzled, “But…you’re the kidnapper. I don’t trust you!”

“What are you talking about?” he demands in annoyance, clenching his fists in the dirt beside him. “I’m a bounty hunter. I’ve collected you because you are a fugitive. And fugitives…are not trustworthy.”

“I haven’t done any crime,” she answers quietly. She shrinks down into herself as if his words are shameful to her. He supposes they would be shameful…to an innocent person. Which she is not.

“I’ve heard that one before,” he says with finality and turns pointedly away from her to end the discussion.

But his throat is almost unbearably dry and his tongue is heavy and swollen with thirst. What an idiot.

“Come here,” he says gruffly. He walks over to her and grabs her roughly by the arm before she has a chance to stand on her own. He half drags her back to the water and forces her down on her knees beside him. He wraps an arm around her head and holds his gloved hand over her eyes tightly, almost painfully. “I’m going to take off my helmet and drink. If you move, if you struggle, if you try to break away from me….I’ll kill you. Understand?”

She starts to nod before she remembers herself and keeps still.

“Yes,” she says breathlessly. “I understand.”

With one arm holding the girl to his side and covering her eyes, Din proceeds to awkwardly remove his helmet with one hand. He breathes rapidly with nervous tension. He’s never been so close to another living being with his helmet off before. But the girl is right. He’s desperately thirsty. He sets the beskar helmet down in the dust beside him and takes a second to breathe in the chill evening air. His dark hair is damp with sweat and messy, sticking up chaotically around his head. His forehead is slick with sweat. He moves his hand upward and tugs at the finger of his glove with his teeth, pulling it off and letting it drop to the ground. His hand plunges into the water and he begins to drink.

The girl is boneless in his grip, too terrified to move an inch. She lets her body move with his as he bends down to reach the water and then up again to drink from his hand. His armor digs into her back uncomfortably but she stays quiet. She’s never been so close to a man like this without the expectation of violence or…other things. She tries to calm her nerves by taking deep breaths and imagining that she has a different life. This is an exercise with which she’s very familiar. When the guards seek her out in the dark hours and assault her with their disgusting, foul breath and clumsy touches…she imagines she’s someplace else with a friend or even a lover. The dreams help her to stay sane. Now she imagines she is with someone who loves her and his arm around her is not a restraint but an embrace. The thought calms her and she’s able to forget that he’d threatened to kill her a moment ago.

When he’s finished and his helmet and glove are safely in place he lets her go. The girl scoots away from him and hugs herself. The temperature has dropped and she’s starting to shiver even with the jacket.

“Thank you,” the Mandalorian says simply before moving back to his place by the rock. She follows him, settling down a few feet away and curling into a ball for warmth.

Din starts working on his damaged chest plate as night falls in earnest. He catches sight of the girl shivering in the corner of his eye and he once again feels the unwelcome clench of guilt. He pushes it aside angrily and focuses on his work. She might not be the type of criminal he’s used to capturing but she hasn’t been completely truthful with him either. There’s no way this girl doesn’t know why she’s being hunted.

“Why does my client want you if you didn’t commit a crime?” he demands abruptly.

The girl holds her hands out, palms up in a gesture that could mean uncertainty or surrender. But she doesn’t answer for a long time and when she does the words are hollow with the lie, “I don’t know.”

When the Mandalorian doesn’t deign to respond she goes back to huddling for warmth. She feels the mistrust and anger roll off of him in waves before she can block them out. The lie leaves a sour taste in her mouth but she learned a long time ago that to tell the truth about what she is–what they made her into–always leads to disaster. She’s nodding into a fitful doze when she feels something soft settle around her shoulders and she looks up to see the Mandalorian already walking back to sit in his spot across from her. She reaches up to pull the thick fabric of the bounty hunter’s cloak around her shoulders. It’s surprisingly warm and she feels a rush of gratitude toward him despite everything.

“Thank you,” she whispers. The Mandalorian nods minutely and goes back to his work.

The nameless girl lays down on the soil, wrapped in her captor’s cloak and feels her eyes finally close. She drifts off into a sleep uninterrupted by terror or pain for the first time since before she can remember.

#the mandalorian imagine #pedro pascal #the mandalorian x ofc #the mandalorian x oc #mando x oc #din djarin x ofc #din djarin x oc #din djarin #mandalorian fanfic #mandalorian x oc #mandalorian x ofc #the mandalorian #mando #chelsfic

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geometricalien · 4 years ago

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oh dear i'm super duper late but I have a lot of questions about your wips!! I wanna know more about sick Akashi, nekoma pirate crew, BoKuroo/BokuAka midsommer, Pining + Jacket, The truth burns and destroys, feeling good, Punk Noya, Strawberry Blonde, sunspot and the merman au!!! Thanks babe <333

Hi Vee!!! This is it, I spent wayyyyy too long on this, I think my finger is cramping from typing. But thank you for asking, I love sharing my ideas, sorry if it’s incorherent.

This is super long so it’s under the cut, saving people room

Sick Akashi

So, it’s based off of a line prompt “I’d like it if you’d stay” and as the title suggests, 3rd year Akashi gets sick, sorry Vee it’s not fatal, Furihata comes to Rakuzan to check on his friend after he doesn’t answer his phone. The entire premise is Akashi works himself sick with his various responsibilities he takes on as “perfectionist who can’t show any cracks at all”. I don’t want Bokushi Akashi showing up so it’s minus the mental break elements. (also technically in canon terms it's after they have merged so yeah) I feel like they deserve a cute little “nurse” the other from a sickness ficlet. And… maybe… sick Akashi confesses…….. It’s almost a writing challenge for me because Akashi has a more polite sophisticated way of thinking and speaking, so cough yep

The rest are Haikyuu aus so buckle in

NEKOMA PIRATE CREW

Admittedly this is more loose, less of a solid idea. It’s Yaku centric, and how he went from a merchant from his grandfather’s company searching for lost merchandise and became the first mate who keeps track of the ship's finances and keeps their captain Kuroo on track. Other things of note, he meets Kuroo first as a pirate on another ship who stole his merchandise, Kenma is a sea witch (is that science or magic? That's always the question), and about halfway through the adventure they get Lev on board as a new member. So yeah! Kinda a fetch quest but on of my favorite fanfics is legitimately a fetch quest so it's okay fjdkaljf

BoKuroo/BokuAka Midsommer

This is based off of a fanart by desdelasombra my friend Shayla showed it to me and we threw this idea around together, we really don’t want to write it but it's also spectacular. So it's the movie Midsommar, right? Bokuto is a “gatherer” bringing his friends to come join in his village’s rituals. But we didn’t want anyone to die (except for Kenma sorry he’s dead as the substitute for the main character’s sister), so a grieving Kuroo comes with his boyfriend Bokuto, joined by their friends the smart studious and jaded Oikawa and bright bubbly Hinata. Obviously the three react badly to the first ritual and Bokuto doesn’t understand because for him it’s always been a joyful experience and he wanted to share it with his friends. A Lot of things happen, but most important is Akaashi and Kuroo dancing under the may pole together. BokuAka was in the past when Bokuto was home so part of this is them coming together as poly and escaping the final scene of the movie. Again this is very painful but that art is beautiful and the world is better for it being created

Pining + Jacket (KuroLev)

Again this is a line prompt about lending a jacket because it’s cold and it had so much potential for pining and who is the most pining bastard that I know? LEV and Shayla told me about KuroLev and somehow this happened. It’s currently going to be a sequence of drabbles of Lev pining after Kuroo, what else could you ask for? Uh? Lev confessing to Kuroo and them going out??? Sorry I can’t hear you over the exquisite angst and pain of one sided love that I want to explore

The truth burns and destroys

GOOD CHOICE, I began this on saturday night and it has earned a very special place in my heart. Sometimes I fear that my writing is like a lazy pool, sure it's nice and easy and smooth but there isn’t an intensity or raw emotions, BUT THIS this accomplishes what I want. And I’m really glad, its metaphor and imagery heavy but it really captures their emotions and thoughts without it sounding like I’m a 7th grader writing my first fanfiction glances to my abandoned wips from that time. Okay, Vee, I am a glutton for punishment and angst and I choose to pursue cheating fics. But specifically where and how they build the relationship up again after finding out. So, I was reading a KageHina cheating fic and how the character’s reacted felt off somehow so at midnight I wrote this snippet to fullfill my craving, you know what they say the best fanfiction is self indulgence. Here is a short excerpt,

He wants to brush this aside and continue their lives. He wants to wake up next to Tobio and still be seen the same way. He doesn't want anything to change.

Tobio is his favorite book. He has read it time and time again. Highlighting, underlining, cherishing. So Shouyou is able to read the silent begging in his eyes. The right clenched fist.

"Shouyou," a deafening pause "What is this?"

Please lie to me.

…

It stretches on. The eternity of silence. They sit together holding on to the last hope they have. Shouyou memorizes those beautiful hands, each crease and bump. Hands that helped shape him become who he is and that reached out unwaveringly.

Tobio sighs a world ending sigh.

Shouyou was the one who created their world, it's only fitting that Tobio is the one who destroys it.

In summary I like angst, I want to feel something

Feeling good

AAA, okay uh, This is a BokuAka pop star au. Akaashi sings “feeling good” at a big charity event hosted by Akashi (... yes I am AkaFuri trash and I can and will sneak them in anything and everything I write) while he is singing he walks down a big staircase remembering moments in his relationship with Bokuto, how much they have grown and how much he loves him. I love the concept! But I tried to write smut in the beginning of it and OOF THATS A NO. I actually have the majority of it written but I do want to add more emotions and thoughts (the lazy pool writing) and make it Ao3 friendly because I have all of the lyrics for feeling good in it as “post signs” for what he sings and that’s against their rules. 1 major aspect of this fic is it's all leading up to the point where Akaashi says “I love you” for the first time to Bokuto after finishing the song, on stage, in front of everyone and on every screen broadcasting it.

Punk Noya

I have a love for feral boys, especially feral alternative punk boys (and girls and humans) so this whole idea is that Noya goes to another school for high school, embraces more punk aethsetics, and on the first day of the preliminary tournaments he hears the rumors about a high schooler in a gang, getting up to nasty things, and he decides to confront them. He finds Asahi, rants him out and leaves. The plot then follows canon, at the winter tournament Karasuno faces Dateko, Karasuno loses even more badly because Noya isn’t there. Asahi quits volleyball, BUT Asahi and Noya run into each other at the store and talk leading to friendship which leads to romance. Idk man, I want more punk haikyuu characters, it gives me life. Alt Yamaguchi is my favorite but onwards we go

Strawberry Blonde

!!!! So this is Mitski’s song and to give a vague idea this is a pining Kageyama fic where he tries to pull away from Hinata and that back fires. (I do have more to say but I’ve been typing this for over an hour and I’m getting really tired fjkdaljl) There is one paragraph that I love, so here it is! Kageyama and Hinata are practicing by themselves outside of school and they are playing pepper (its a volleyball warm up practice routine where you partner up with someone pass, set, and spike the ball to each other sesquentially) Hinata goes to spike the ball and for a moment Kageyama sees it,

They are at nationals and they made it to finals. The crowds are screaming, but everything except the court is thrown into shadows. They are at match point of the final set. Everything is at peak intensity and at the center is him. Flying in the air. Orange hair waving with the momentum. His loud take off echoing in the gym. Arm poised for the kill. Eyes sparking with ferocity and passion as he aims. And finally, tipping the world over is the loud slap of his hand, sending the ball to the far side of the court-

This was actually going to be finished and posted in time for Haikyuu season 4 coming out and the manga wrapping up.... clearly I failed my goal fjdaklfj

Sunspot

You don’t know this about me but I love royalty aus, and this is BokuAka Prince Akaashi and Knight Bokuto. This was a short snippet of this grand idea I have for them where they run away from Akaashi’s inherited destiny together. It has potential to be really wide and expansive with the differnet teams as different kingdoms (AGAIN ILLUSION OF CHOICE, that fic really influences me doesn’t it fjdskalj) But this was a short glance at Akaashi taking a break from studying and watching Bokuto and the other knights practice duel. The title comes from the fact that Bokuto is a sunspot in Akaashi’s life, and his day is substantially better basking in his golden shining light.

Merman au

I’m so glad you asked about this and its technically the one I’ve written the most for since it's actually the one I posted on my haikyuu writing side blog. But brief recap, long term it’s a BokuAka little mermaid au but instead of a sea witch it’s an underwater deity who makes “wishes” (it's a deal) with every royal who is born. And Akaashi has a lot of siblings: Ushijima, Oikawa, Suga, Terushima, and Hinata, and its in that order. So I have information on every sibling’s deal, what they wish for, what they give for it, what happens to them in the future, romantically and otherwise. But, this is the one I haven’t updated in over a year, I am working on it!! I’m currently on Koushi’s (suga’s) wish/deal, its just taking forever. If you want to learn more about it I’ll link it in parts 1 2 3 4

BUT I will work on Suga’s part and then Terushima’s and then to the meat of the idea with Akaashi.

If you have made it this far, thanks, you are cool as always. My brain and fingers is ded.

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fabuloustrash05 · 5 years ago

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Courting a Salamandrian

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6

Words: 2531

Warnings: None.

Author’s Notes: All I got to say is that I’ve been looking forward to writing this chapter since I first started this fanfic and now it’s finally out and done! I hope you like it as much as I do! Also, similarly to Chapter 2 with Raph’s POV, this chapter will be through the POV of Mona, just to avoid confusion.

~~~~~

Chapter 6: An Unwanted Guest

Night begins to fall. Perfect time for me to be out on the streets again. I leave April’s apartment through the window, taking the fire escape - the same way I came in. Before I descend, I look out onto the city. The tall buildings begin to glow and the streets start to light up. New York is beautiful in the evening. The stars compete with the buildings’ luminescence. The city is also lovely during the day, too. But sadly, daylight hours are not for my kind. Nightfall is the only time when mutants, and myself, find it safe to venture outside of our lair. It is only then that we have a lower chance of being spotted by humans. Yet sometimes that chance is worth the risk. The taste of the short lived freedom is worth it.

It's a shame we are not allowed to be out during the day. Maybe it's for the best. Bishop created these rules saying it's for our own good. Gosh, the city is more alive during the day! People are everywhere living their lives, crowded streets awake with chatter and activity. Humans of all kinds. I remember Donatello has explained to me that some humans can’t accept things that are different. But luckily there are some who do, like April, Casey, and Karai. Perhaps one day, mutants will be accepted by society - and my friends and I can be free from Bishop’s laws.

By the time I made it back to the Mutanimals lair, a large abandoned warehouse on the lower east side of Manhattan, it was fully dark outside. Carefully glancing at my surroundings one final time to ensure no humans saw me, I ducked inside.

Dr. Rockwell was checking up on Mondo Gecko, who was lying on an old rundown couch. Mondo was now wearing a cast on his right leg, after his quick loss to Slash in their one on one fight early this morning. Leatherhead was peering over the couch talking with Mondo.

Without looking up, Rockwell says to me, “Welcome back, Y’gythgba.”

I walk up to Rockwell and the others. “Hello, Rockwell. How’s Mondo Gecko?”

“He’s fine.” Rockwell answered, “He just needs to rest. He’ll feel better in-”

“Nooooo!” Mondo whines, interrupting Rockwell as he grabs his arm. “I-I don’t think... I’m gonna…” He coughs, “make it…”

Rockwell rolls his eyes as Mondo continues his over exaggerated performance.

“Mona Lisa,” he coughs again, “these may be my last moments here… but maybe a kiss from a lovely lady like yourself will-”

“NO!” I said, giving him a serious glare.

Mondo jerks up from the couch, completely healthy, and shrugs, “Eh, worth a shot.”

Leatherhead chuckles at Mondo as he pats him gently on the head.

“I can’t believe you're still on this team after all this time,” Rockwell mumbles to himself, loud enough for Mondo to hear him, as he packs up the medical supplies. Mondo turns to Rockwell with a shocked yet offended look. Rockwell then gets up and returns to his cluttered desk. It’s amazing he gets anything done with so many computer screens and monitors crowding the desktop. Yet, he needs them to patrol the outside of the warehouse. A better security system I have yet to see.

“Oh good, you’re back,” a gravelly voice interrupts my thoughts. I turn to see my friend and leader, Slash. “How was your time with April?”

“Oh, it was very nice. I always enjoy her company.”

“And no one saw you?”

“No, Slash. I was safe.”

“Well, you did take a big risk going out,” Slash reminded me. “You know we're not supposed to go out during the day.”

“Like you’re any better,” Mondo said, still lying on the couch. “He left a little while after you did, Mona.”

“I agree with Jason,” Rockwell said. “Slash, I saw you sneak out.” He sighs, “I don’t understand why you all insist on going out during the day when you know there’s rules.”

Slash’s eyes widened, knowing he had been caught.

“Well, why did you leave, Slash?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “It's not like you to disobey Bishop’s rules.”

Slash was silent, a look of embarrassed shock frozen on his face.

“He probably left to go woo that foxy fox again.” Mondo Gecko laughs.

“Alopex and I are just friends!” Slash said annoyed, “And beside I wanted to discuss with her the topic of joining the Mighty Mutanimals.”

“I thought Alopex already told you she’s not interested in joining the team?” I asked, placing my hands on my hips as I smirked at Slash.

“You like her!” Mondo exclaims like a small child. “When will you just admit it?!”

Slash ignores Mondo’s teasing and leaves the room, without adding another comment.

Leatherhead giggles at Mondo’s over exaggeration, then looks at me. “Since training ended early today, Slash and I decided to have another session later tonight. Will you be joining us?”

I smile. “You know I always enjoy a good sparring session, Leatherhead, but I will have to decline for today.”

Leatherhead continues, “Very well. We will be starting later, so if you change your mind and wish to join us, you can.”

I nod and head off to my bedroom. Closing the door behind me, I survey my quarters. It is quite a small space, but it suits me. Slash has told me it used to belong to a former member of their team, but they don’t ever talk about him. Raphael did tell me once that he knew him as “the world's most useless mutant”.

Everyone was so welcoming and helpful, putting together my room when the Mutanimals offered for me to stay with them. April gave me some bedsheets and blankets for my bed that used to belong to her, lovely fabrics of a dark ruby color with a detailed pattern of pretty pink flowers. Although the pattern isn’t my style and I often wear blue, pink has always been my favorite color. Leo gave me some Spaceheroes posters to decorate the walls. There are also photographs of my friends, my Commander, and of course of my beloved Raphael and I.

Shinigami helped with my closet, giving me many new options for Earth clothing. Like my favorite blue sweater I’m currently wearing. It’s been so long since I’ve worn my original armor, but I still keep it in a second closet in my room - an arsenal of my armor and my weapons. Then finally there is my sword, mounted on the wall over my bed like a trophy. I haven't needed it in some time. No reason to carry a big plasma sword around when there are no criminals to fight. I still wear my wrist blasters from my old armor, just in case. Even when I’m not fighting, they do make a lovely accessory.

I lay down on my bed, looking up at the ceiling. My mind cluttered with thoughts of the Earth tradition, marriage. An entire ceremony is put together for a couple who wish to join lives, just because they love one another. It sounds so wonderful. Being married and sharing a life together as a husband and a wife.

Then I remember what Raphael and I talked about last night. We're already in each other’s lives so maybe there's no point in getting married. Maybe it's best we stay the way we are...

Suddenly there was a knock on my door, “Mona?” Slash said from behind the door. I sat up from my bed, got up and walked to the door, opening it.

“Yes, Slash?”

“Hey, Mona,” Slash said looking rather confused. “Um, I hate to bother you, but Bishop is here. He said he wants to talk to you.”

Bishop? Why is he here? What could he want with me? Even Slash seems unsure of why the Utrom is here.

I leave my room, following Slash to where I see Bishop with the rest of the team. He stood there in his black suit, all seriousness and control. He was looking at my friends like how he always looks at mutants -- disgusted, like they are nothing more than low class citizens.

Slash and I join the Mutanimals. Bishop glares at me with that stern look always on his face. Never able to tell what he is thinking.

“Lieutenant Y’gythgba,” his greeting cold, emotionless.

I hold my head up high, “Bishop. What brings you to Earth? Your update inspection for us isn't for another few weeks.”

“I’ve actually come to talk to you,” he said, “I was going over my files this afternoon and I found this. “ He pulls out a hologram touch screen showing some written files. “This is the contract the Utrom council created for you as part of your stay on Earth. According to these terms, you’ve been given permission to stay on planet Earth,” he continues, quoting from the contract, “as long as you are of use to this planet and its beings, such as assisting Earth in any cosmic threats, attacks, plagues, etc.”

“Yes, I am aware,” I said.

“Good, Lieutenant. Then, why are you still here?” Bishop asked.

My eyes widen. “W-what?”

“You and your Commander have agreed with the council and myself that you would remain on Earth to assist the planet if there were any future Insectoid, Triceraton, Kraang, or any intergalactic threat.” His tone is sharp, curt.

“Bishop, there hasn’t been any cosmic threats in a few years. This planet has been perfectly safe thanks to the Turtles.”

“Exactly. As long as your presence had utility to be on this planet, then you were permitted to stay. However, as you agree, Lieutenant, this planet has been at peace for years now. I think it’s safe to say that our agreement is no longer necessary, and neither is your presence.”

I stayed silent. In a way, he’s right. I mean, there hasn’t been any serious problems on this planet in a while. Only a few crimes here and there, but nothing major. Is my presence even worth being here? As a warrior, I am no longer fulfilling my purpose on this planet. Do I even have a purpose?

Bishop continued, “According to the rules created by the EPF and I, only Earthlings are allowed on Earth, unless the non-earthling has an objective to stay. Since you have no importance here anymore, you will be escorted back to Salamandria by-”

“She’s not going anywhere,” Slash says, interrupting Bishop as he places his hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah!” Mondo Gecko proclaimed, stepping in front of me, puffing his chest out acting like a guard dog. “You may not think that she’s important, but she is to us!”

“She’s very useful, even if it is not for battle,” Leatherhead added. “She’s our friend. We’d hate to see her go.”

Rockwell agreed. “And not just to us, but to Karai, Ms. O’Neil, and the Turtles.”

“Especially Raphael,” Slash added with a smile as he looked at me.

I shyly smiled at my friends. Their comments were so kind, it warmed my heart. They care about me and they want me to stay.

Bishop was having none of this sentimentality. He was obviously annoyed, glaring at me.

“I’m sorry, Bishop, but I am not leaving.”

My body began to slightly shake. Just saying “no” to him is a death sentence.

Bishop stepped forward, pushing Mondo Gecko, who still stood in front of me, out of his way. He leaned close to the side of my face. I could feel his breath on my cheek.

“Isn’t it a Salamandrian’s sworn duty to fight for honor and glory?” he softly growled. “A life dedicated to battle. You’re just wasting your life away with these mutants. You have no worth being here with them and being on this planet.”

“I-I may not be needed for battle,” I said strongly, trying to hide my worries, “but I’m needed by my friends on Earth, and that is what's important. I’m sure the rest of the council will understand...”

Bishop scoffs, stepping away from me. “Earth has made you weak.”

“T-that’s not true!” I said shaking, “Earth is my home-”

“You’re not of Earth!” Bishop says angrily as he raises his voice to me. “You’re just a guest who has ... overstayed their welcome.”

I say nothing. I don’t know if he’s right or wrong. Should I be letting him say these things to me? Why am I not fighting back? Is he right?

Leatherhead places his hand on my shoulder to comfort me as he looks at Bishop and snarls. Mondo Gecko holds my arm and looks at me worriedly, as Rockwell looks at the Utrom with an angry glare.

Slash gazes directly at Bishop, “I think it’s time you leave, Bishop.”

Bishop stayed silent as he glared at us. He sighs with annoyance, fixing his tie. Finally, in a proper tone of voice, “Very well then, I’ll go.” He turns away from us and begins to walk to the exit.

Just before walking through the door, he stops dead in his tracks, and turns and looks over his shoulder. His cold eyes peered through his dark sunglasses and met mine from across the room, sending a chill up my spine.

“You can either leave this planet peacefully, or I’ll remove you from this planet by force. Either way, I will get you off this planet.” And with this vow still echoing in the room, he leaves, slamming the door behind him.

“That… was weird,” Mondo Gecko commented once Bishop was gone.

“Hmm, I wonder what that was all really about…” Slash thought out loud to us.

“Don’t look at me,” Rockwell said. “I can never read his thoughts. His mind is like a steel trap.”

“But whatever it was for,” Leatherhead added, “It seemed as if he was trying to warn you, Mona Lisa.”

“Or threaten me…” I added. “Why is he so desperate to get me to leave…?”

“Don’t let him get to you, Mona,” said Slash, trying to cheer me up. “He’s always tried to scare us mutants. He pulls every insult at us just to bring us down like he did with you.”

“Well, now you’re really one of us freaks!” Mondo joked before Rockwell smacked his arm, silencing him. “OW!” he cried.

Slash was right. I shouldn’t let this bother me, however I don’t understand Bishop’s sudden crude attitude. I knew from the beginning he was unhappy with my decision of staying on Earth, but he never took action. He told me that he’ll get me off this planet, but why? Is there something planned or something soon to come? Did I do something wrong? Or is he right, I have no purpose anymore to be on Earth. Maybe I’m not needed anymore, but my friends say I am.

A Salamandrian’s purpose is to fight.

I’ve haven’t done that in so long. Am I even worth being called a Salamandrian warrior? What’s my purpose?

I know Bishop. He’s not going to let this slide. He’ll do anything to get his way, he could hurt me, or worse, my friends. Maybe Bishop is right. Perhaps it's best I…

Must ignore these thoughts running through my head. I can’t let this bother me right now. I need to clear my mind and do something to help me relax.

“Hey, Leatherhead!” I said, “On second thought, I would love to join you and Slash for a sparring session!”

~~~~~

[TAGS]

@waferreyes for making the cover

@monarel @starfiretheninja @ryebread-02 @terra-mations @nerdgirllife @cesarin @kiaratheleo @petrichormeraki @watermelon-beauty-queen

(If you would like to be on the tag list to be updated on the newest chapters, message me and let me know!)

#courting a salamandrian #chapter 6 #my fanfic #tmnt fanfiction #tmnt 2012 #tmnt 2k12 #tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt mona lisa #y’gythgba #the mighty mutanimals #tmnt slash #leatherhead #dr rockwell #mondo gecko #agent bishop #tmnt raphael

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the--sad--hatter · 5 years ago

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As some of you already know, I have received some messages about one of my fanfics that are quite frankly, fucking disgusting. I thought it would be fun to write a story where the readers endgame romance wasn’t set in stone, but because of a small percentage of horrible anons, that has backfired. Some people have taken it too seriously, made threats and accusations, tried to bully me into choosing their ship as the endgame. The vast majority of you have been lovely, and seeing who you ship has been as fun as I had originally hoped. I also received a deeply upsetting message that accused me of flaunting my new found happiness, of taunting and showing off because my new house has amazing views. I’ve received periodic messages for months, asking me to stop posting about my personal life and just sticking to fanfiction. But even though I stick to my policy of ignoring and deleting any and all anon hate, receiving those kinds of messages still has an effect on me. I’m only human.

So I would like to clear up a few things for all these nasty people. I’m a strong person in a lot of ways, I know this to be true, but this house with its amazing views? It also has a few extra features I want you to see.

This is an alarm cord. There’s one in every single room. If I pull it an alarm goes off in an emergency medical office in Edinburgh.

This is motion detector and intercom. It’s connected to the office building across the road, where the support worker Carrie checks the motion detector. If I haven’t walked past it then she intercoms me to see if I am alright. She also checks in every morning.

This lovely house of mine, with those breathtaking views? It’s supported housing. I’m not stable enough to live independently. I need specialist care so I don't end up back living in a psychiatric hospital, or dead. My mental health isn’t great, it hasn’t been since I was born. I was born with a multitude of issues that only got worse as I grew up, in an abusive household. I’m 27 years old and it’s a fucking miracle I am still alive. Am I lucky to live in a country where such facilities exist and are accessible to me? Yes, I am. I’m aware that not everyone lives a place with free healthcare and a semi-decent benefit system. I can admit that even in my suffering I am still privileged. But I am allowed to be grateful for my luck, I'm allowed to be relieved that I am safe now.

So if I want to show off my views, brag about the change in my luck, post personal things and connect with people, then I will. Nobody HAS to read it, some people are just here to escape from their own shit and I fully support that, it’s why I even post fanfic. But some people do read it. Some people just give a damn about Kara, like to interact with me, and I love that. I’ve made some amazing friends on here. Two of them have access to my actual Facebook, hell, one of them is facebook friends with my dad. Posting makes me feel less alone, it gives me an outlet, and more importantly, seeing my luck change, seeing me try to fight my fight, it could let even one person out there know that they aren’t alone in struggling.

This is a good time to remind anyone who wants is welcome to inbox me or send me an ask. It doesn’t matter if you’re going through something similar or something different, if you think I can offer you anything at all from a listening ear to advice, please, please don’t hesitate. I spent so much of my life being alone, I don’t want that for anyone else.

So now you know all this, if you still choose to send me anon hate then you’ve crossed the line from bitchy to cruel. I am a real person, and though I am far from perfect, I don’t deserve your cruelty. Nobody does. You might be anonymous, nameless and faceless, but the people your attacking are not. I’ve never met a single person who hasn’t had suffering in their lives, so bear that in mind the next time you sit there and spew hatred at people.

In conclusion, I am finally in a place of hope, I finally have a chance at, if not a spectacular life, a peaceful one. Stop chipping away at me, stop tainting the happiness this blog brings me. To the 99.9% of you who are kind, lovely, supportive, and just generally damn great, thank you for helping me build such a meaningful part of my life with this blog. I love you.

Enjoy the view. I do.

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darklingichor · 5 years ago

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Carry On by Rainbow Rowell *Major Spoilers*

I wrote a little about this book last month, but I want to write more. This is one of those books that has been lingering in my brain so what follows will be long and rambling.

Now, I haven't read Fangirl I've been pulled more toward action adventure and humor in my fiction, for a while now. Hmm, I wonder what could have happened a few years back that would cause a Pacific Northwest liberal to feel the need for escape? Just one of those things, I suppose.

I need to read it, if only because I wrote Harry Potter fanfic for years and sort of lost myself in it right after high school.

Anyway.

I've heard people calling Carry On an HP knock off. I don't get this. Simon Snow is obviously Fangirl's Harry Potter. That makes Carry On more of a tongue in cheek homage to HP and stories like it as well as something of a love letter to fanfic writers.

A lot of the main characters start out as your standard for this type of story. "The Hero", "The Mentor", "The Damsel", "The Enemy", "The Unspeakable Evil."

Through the book it becomes clear that our hero is well meaning but ill-suited for the role that his mentor thinks he place him in. The mentor is shown to be unhinged. The damsel is sick of screaming and doesn't want to be in the story at all. The enemy is love sick for the hero and dealing with the puberty from hell. The unspeakable evil, isn't. Its just an unforeseen byproduct of the mentor's plan, in which, the hero, is a pawn.

The book plays with archetypes and I read some of them as being fairly meta about their expected place in the story.

Agetha, especially, seems to know her role and resent it. She's who is saved by the hero, whether she likes it or not.

Baz is so certain of his role as "The Enemy" that until his role flips, he's sure his destiny is to be killed by the person he's in love with.

Simon knows his role so well, he's on auto pilot as a defence mechanism. He's either going to die, or he'll get a stock Happily Ever After. He doesn't even allow himself to think too much about what really matters to him, because he knows his life isn't really his.

I would have loved this book because of everything I wrote above, but add to it the nods to fan contribution? It was enough to make me remember my old ff.n login!

I don't know if Rainbow Rowell researched fan fiction but I figure she must have.

I mean, the things I saw played with and reshaped in Carry On, are fanfic tropes. Rowell took things that grew out of fans having fun with their favorite characters and made them canon.

Main character going out with an exchange student, pop culture references, evil good guy, and:

Four words: Draco is a vampire.

Sure, not every fic that used these were the best, but so what? Many were sincere.

What better way to go to Hogwarts as a person raised outside the UK than to live though an OC in an exchange program?

It was weird that no one in the wizard world listened to muggle music, watched movies or TV. Even the muggleborns? I'm sorry, but I was in the same age range as the characters. In fact, if Harry were real, he would be three years older than me. You can't convince me that there were not at least a couple of muggleborns who were sending an owl a week to remind their parents to tape Friends or My So-Called Life.

There were a fair few stories where Dumbledore or even Harry turned out to be evil. Even before we found out Dumbledore wasn't a saint. It can be fun to play with expectations and Dumbledore was too perfect for too long.

The vampire thing? I mean, why not? Either Draco or Snape. It fits enough for a fic, and you can get some fun stuff out of it. Besides Hogwarts allowed a warewolf, why not a vampire?

The point is, this book reminds me of some goofy fics I read but also reminds me of some that I sometimes have to remind myself aren't canon, because fan fiction can be amazing.

Example: It has been years but I still remember a great fic that someone wrote about Uric The Oddball's years at Hogwarts. I don't remember much about it off hand but I do know that if I re-read HP, when Uric is mentioned, I think of this story like it is something that is actually in the history of the series. (Dude, I googled "Uric the Oddball fan fiction" on a whim. Popped right up: Uric the Oddball and the Wild Hunt by Ariana Deralte. Guess I shouldn't be surprised! Maybe I should read it again to see if it's still as good as I remember).

So yeah, Carry On is so not an HP knock off and has a number of things that I think make me like it more.

The first one is diversity. It is very nice to have it explicitly said in the text that characters are of different ethnicities, sexualities, and abilities. Watford is a far better representation of a population than Hogwarts is, outside of fanfic (It wasn't there, people wrote it in).

Then there is magic itself, it comes from somewhere it's in the environment, it has to do with celestial alignment, people give words power to channel that energy.

That brings me to something that made me adore the world building here.

The actuality of Simon Snow's universe is that Mages cannot exist independently without the Normals. Without the Normals giving weight and meaning to turns of phrase, rhyme and songs, the Mages couldn't do what they do. Add to that, this means that magic is ever evolving and the Mages must learn about and be a part of, to some extent, the Normal world. This makes Mages who look down on Normals seem even more ridiculous.

I also think this book handled romance better than Harry Potter. I don't know what it was but the relationships seemed awkward and strained in HP. Maybe it was because most of it was shoved into one book, like Hogwarts's water supply was spiked with hormones? I don't know.

What I do know is that even though Simon and Agetha are going through the motions of being together in this book, they still feel like two people who have been dating for a long time.

We don't get a lot about Penny and her boyfriend, but the way she is described talking about him reminds me of how my best friend would talk about her boyfriends when she was visiting me. The way she would go on, you'd think that he was on the moon instead of 90 miles away. I bought that Penny and her boyfriend enjoy each other's company.

And the biggie. Simon and Baz

I almost didn't read this book for two reasons. First: Vampire main character. I love vampires, but I lived through the deluge of Twilight, True Blood, and Vampire Diaries, not to mention that every other book seemed to be about vampires. Even though I didn't watch or read all of them, I just got vampired out.

Second: I have never been one for the whole "enemies to love interest" thing. The Harry/Draco pairing never spoke to me. Not that I never read fics that managed that ship well, it was just not my favorite, probably because I just never liked Draco. I tend to prefer romances that are built on friendship (Remus and Sirius dated each other at some point, and nothing can convince me otherwise).

All that being said, I like the Simon/Baz pairing.

I like that Baz freely admits to the reader that a lot of his tormenting of Simon is pigtail pulling.

I like that Simon is more or less: "I like a guy? A guy who was my nemisis? That's new, let's go for it."

There's none of that "Hate turns to love" shit that I personally can't stand. None of the "I am evil, yet his light draws me" or "His darkness is so seductive"

Baz isn't a villain needing to rethink his position. He's a slightly snobby guy with a lot of family pressure, who is in love with a dude who has been set up as opposition, by the adults in his life.

Simon isn't a good guy wanting to be bad. He's a guy who is following the path set out for him without giving context to his feelings with thought, because he doesn't think. So, when Baz doesn't show up at the first of the year, Simon knows 3 things for sure:

Baz is his enemy

His enemy is not there

He feels very uneasy about it.

Why?

See numbers 1 & 2

This equals out to "plotting" in Simon's mind because that's what enemies do.

It doesn't dawn on him that he was actually missing Baz and that he has romantic feelings for him until later

I also like the interaction between them. Again, I buy that they like each other. The simpler moments, like sharing food, or being flirty. It also makes sense that Baz is so nervous and guarded about the relationship. It fits that they would bicker and argue while trying to figure every thing out.

The relationships feel authentic.

In fact all of the relationships between the characters feel authentic. The sibling relationships between Ebb and Nicky, I know siblings that close. The interaction between Baz and his little sister, I know people like them too. The Friendships; in my opinion, too few friends in fiction are depicted messing with each other or being lovingly annoyed by each other.

I've known my two best friends most of my life. Not a day goes by where one of us doesn't say something that if it was said by anyone else, it would lead to a fight. Said by us, it's funny, or at least something we can't argue with.

So I related when Baz's friend complained that he had wasted his childhood hating Simon now that Simon and Baz were no longer enemies and Baz said: "What else were you going to do with your childhood?"

I spent my 20's with my friends seemingly taking turns crashing at my apartment. I spent most of my time ossulating between wishing they would go home and being glad they were there.

So at the beginning of the book, when Penny won't leave Simon's room? I saw myself in the way Simon felt about it.

That authentic and relatable quality was what I really liked about the quiet - if not Happily Ever After - then the Attempting Normal For Now ending each character got.

Well, as normal as you can get with a story involving mages, vampires and powerful Elton John songs.

I am a dodecahedron of geekdom, btw and the classic rock side jumped up and down clapping hands at all of the music references (and giggled when Carry On was fallowed by Wayward Son which will be followed by Anyway The Wind Blows).

And now we come to the reason I have not read the sequel even though it is sitting in a bag with the rest of this year's Powell's haul.

From what I have read, Wayward Son is, at least in part, about what happens after Happily Ever After and ends on a cliffhanger.

After Happily Ever After with a cliffhanger and no release date... Yeah, that will drive me crazy. I haven't even read the second book and I'm already thinking about the third. Aw man! Who dies? Who breaks up? Who becomes evil?

So, even though road trip stories are right up there with time travel stories as one of my favorites, even though I love the idea of showing a character battling depression, even though I love these characters, period; Wayward Son will stay unread until I run out of new books to read, or the next book's release date is close. Whichever comes first, because I want to think of the characters in their quiet ending ending for a little while.

#Carry On #Books #book #rainbow rowell #spoilers #four #book blogging 2020

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majesticmarais · 6 years ago

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5, 4, 3, 2, 1 (D.S)

Requested? Nope!!

Summary: surprise!!

*WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT LIKE READING ABOUT DEATH/VIOLENCE!!! IT IS GRUESOME AND DARK DO NOT READ IT IF YOU CANT HANDLE IT AND DONT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO GUN USE* YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Word Count: 1.6k

A/n: Okay so I am writing a HUGE disclaimer and note for this one folks! SO, I am aware Daniel would never do something like this, obviously he is a literal angel, I know this. I am posting this SOLELY AND PURELY FOR FICTIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES!!!!! I’m a criminology major so I study true crime a lot and wanted to write something original and kinda dark for Halloween time! I. AM. NOT ROMANTICIZING DEATH!!! I have been told this before on other imagines I have written, I’m not a fucking idiot, I know there is nothing “beautiful” about fucking murder god damn it. So if you don’t like it, don’t read it, and don’t slide into my asks criticizing me about my creative expression through this FICTIONAL story. Thank you, enjoy :) Happy spooky month

You shut your eyes as your shallow breath loudly escaped your parted lips, your hands shaking as you felt the cold metal against your temple.

“Please,” you whispered, trying to move but were pulled back before you could go any further.

“Shut up! Just shut up!” he snapped, his anger filling the room as he inhaled deeply, pushing the side of the object to your head, making you wince.

You sat there frozen, unsure whether you were so scared you couldn’t move, or if you had come to expect your fate that was now staring you in the face.

“5...” he started, your breath hitching in your throat as you mouthed the next number yourself.

“4...3...2...1″

Bang

You were dead.

Your body collapsed to the floor, the thick crimson liquid beginning to pool around your now indented head, your limbs spread out beside you.

Daniel let out a gasp as he dropped to his knees, holding your lifeless body in his arms, the gun dropping beside him, the sound deafening as it bounced against the hard wood floor of your bedroom.

“What did I do?” he asked himself, his voice barely audible as he held you tighter, a single tear leaking from the corner of his bright blue eye, landing on your cheek that still appeared to be red and lively.

“What have I done?” he asked again, placing you back down as he picked up the gun, rummaging around for somewhere to put it, anywhere. How could he have done this? To someone he loved.

As he rushed downstairs, he heard the door open, stopping him in his tracks. He slowly looked over his shoulder to see the person who made his blood boil, hair messy and eyebrows furrowed as he searched for you.

“Daniel? Bud can we talk?” he asked as he approached him, his gaze remaining downward as he tried to find the courage to look his best friend in the eyes.

“You...” Daniel started, the words seeping through his clenched teeth, “you did this”

“Oh my god, you said no one was coming home,” you gasped as you flipped off the covers, rushing to pick up your clothes from the floor.

“I didn’t think anyone would!” Jack defended, doing the same as you.

“Jack?” you heard a familiar voice call.

“DANIEL?” you whispered to him, panic filling your voice.

“It’s fine just play it cool hurry up,” Jack told you as he went to open the door, trying not to look suspicious as you smoothed out your hair and your clothes, plastering a smile on your face when you saw your boyfriend.

“Y/n? What are you doing here?” he asked, raising his eyebrows as his gaze shifted between you and Jack.

“Jack was just helping me with something,” you shrugged, kissing Daniel’s cheek as you tried to play it off as best as you could. You knew what you were doing was horrible, but he couldn’t find out. Not yet.

“I’m heading home, you coming with?” you asked.

“Yeah, sounds good,” Daniel said quietly, a look of slight confusion still present on his face.

“I just need to grab my bag,” you told him as you walked back to Jack’s room, bending down to pick up your bra that you didn’t have time to put back on.

“Is that yours?” you heard Daniel ask sharply from behind you.

You froze in place, not knowing what to say. You were caught

“You’ve been fucking Jack? My best friend?” Daniel accused.

“Daniel I-”

“I can’t believe this!” he screamed, throwing his hands up.

“Look let’s talk about this at home we’re not gonna fight here,” you hissed, grabbing his arm out of habit but felt him pull away sharply as he walked out the door, not speaking another word to you as he drove home.

You had no idea what was going on through his mind in that moment, but if you did, it could have saved you.

You walked into the house trailing behind Daniel, shame filling your body as you stepped inside, shutting the door behind you.

“Daniel I’m so sorry,” you started, unable to look him in the eyes, “I know it was wrong, and I shouldn’t have done it. I didn’t know how to tell you, I didn’t know how to come to terms with my feelings and it was so wrong to you on so many levels,” you began, trying to explain as best as you could even though you knew there was nothing that could justify what you did today, and what you had been doing.

“I can’t believe you would do this to me,” he seethed, his fists clenching at his side as he looked at you, his face flushing red.

“You ruined this, Y/n, you fucking ruined everything we had!” he screamed, making you step back and shrink into yourself, not used to him raising his voice, especially at you.

“I know I did Daniel I-I’m so sorry, I know you can’t forgive me,” you whispered, barely able to choke out the words as you tried to hold back your tears.

“You’re right, I can’t,” he muttered under his breath.

“I’m gonna kill you.”

“Daniel I know I fucked up, you never have to talk to me again,” you reasoned, not trying to save him, but trying to convey how guilty you felt for what you did.

“Why would you do this? You were mine, Y/n, how am I supposed to let you be with anyone else?” he asked, shouting once again.

“I don’t know why I did. I don’t. Maybe I felt lonely, and Jack was there for me when you weren’t,” you mumbled.

“BULLSHIT!” Daniel yelled, “you can’t be with him, I can’t let you.”

“How can you live with yourself?” he asked as he walked away for a few moments, and you were unaware as to what he was doing. Assuming he was going to cool down, you waiting in the hallway, not exactly sure what to do.

He walked back towards you at a faster pace, his breathing shallow as you noticed a small object had appeared in his right hand.

You breath caught in your throat when you noticed what it was, Daniel pointing it towards you.

You stepped back as you raised your hands up in front of your face, trying to process what was unfolding in front of you.

“Danny where-where’d you get that,” you breathed loudly, stepping back consistently as he walked towards you.

“Doesn’t matter,” he spat, “how could you?”

“Daniel, put it down,” you said sternly, reaching out to him put pulling away when he moved quickly.

“You can’t live with this, you can’t.”

“Daniel you’re being insane,” you cried, trying to reason with him.

“I’m insane? Me? You slept with Jack!” he yelled.

“And that merits this?!” you yelled back.

You realized reasoning was not going to work, so you sprinted for the door, being caught by the arm before you could get out, Daniel pushing your shoulders down until you were on the ground.

Your breath was shaky as you tried to reason with him again.

“Daniel I said I was sorry, you’ll never have to see me again,” you cried.

“You’re right about that, I’m making sure of it.”

“Stop! Put it down!” you shrieked as you tried to get away, Daniel pulling you back, his reflexes too fast in comparison to yours.

“You’re not getting away,” he breathed calmly, the metal of the barrel connecting with the thin skin of your temple, pressing against it.

“You’re dead, Y/n”

“I did what?” Jack asked, putting his hands up defensively as he approached his friend.

“This is all your fault? How could you let her do that? How could you agree?” Daniel asked, shoving Jack against the wall, the loud noise echoing throughout the otherwise silent house.

“I’m sorry,” was all Jack could muster, earning a punch from Daniel.

“FUCK YOU! You took her away from me!” Daniel screamed, his anger turning into tears as he collapsed to the ground, the gun falling out of his hand.

“Oh my god,” Jack whispered to himself, inaudible to Daniel. Jack kicked it across the room, hoping Daniel wouldn’t notice, but his head shot up again almost instantly.

“What did you do, Daniel?” Jack asked quietly, taking a step towards where he knew your bedroom was, walking around his best friend without looking at him.

“You did this,” Daniel retorted, “this is your fault.”

He felt as though he was dreaming, not walking in present time. Everything moved slowly as he walked down the halls, the cream colored walls seeming lifeless now, the shadows crawling across the four walls sending shivers up his spine.

Jack’s hand hesitated by the door handle before slowly opening it, revealing your body sprawled across the ground.

Jack stopped breathing momentarily as he took in the scene, your lifeless body in front of him when he had just seen you hours before.

His hand shot up to cover his mouth, trying to hold back from vomiting, traumatized by what he was seeing. Jack pulled out his phone to dial 911, his hands shaking to the point where he dropped his phone on the ground.

When Jack turned around, Daniel was in front of him, the object he had just used to kill you pointing towards him, his vision focused on it completely.

“Daniel, you can’t do this, what are you doing right now?” Jack asked.

“I can’t live on the same planet as you. You disgust me,” Daniel spat, pushing Jack backwards into the room towards your body, Jack’s vision becoming blurry with fear and tears.

“Daniel, just think about what you’re doing right now, what you did.”

“I don’t care,” Daniel said, “you’re next.”

Tags:

@whydontwe-fanfics @lilah-or-lily @heyowdw @jackaverysboo@averysgarl @whydontwefanficsrec @justlovingjack @jjeepersnutss @poutyavery@electricseavey @corbynscabbitch@samithepixie @lovableherron @superseavey @blueeyedbesson (I DONT REMEMBER WHOS ON MY TAG LIST SEND ME AN ASK IF YOU WANNA BE ON IT)

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echodrops · 6 years ago

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The Promises I Made (2018)

For the past twelve years, I’ve spent every New Year’s Eve compiling a list of fifty promises I intend to keep or fulfill over the next twelve months. The results have been truly amazing, and I have kept some promises I never thought I could. Although this year was really, really bad, oh lord... This year, for New Year’s, there will be a new set of promises for to me keep, but here are the old ones, for review!

The Promises I Made (2018 edition)

1) I will be less anxious at work and not let passing comments from students or passive rudeness get under my skin as much. Status: Somewhat kept; I feel like I wasn’t as upset by students being rude this year as last year, but then again that might just be because I had better students. XD

2) I will be more proactive about my responsibilities for the college newspaper committee so we can make a great product. Status: Uhh… Can I count this as kept if the newspaper committee was put on hold due to decisions from the higher administration, so I didn’t have to be proactive about these responsibilities?

3) I will actually visit Mexico, not just accidentally take a wrong turn and end up there... Status: Broken. You know how some people like live next door to a restaurant for years but somehow never get around to trying it? Yeah that’s me, with the entire country of Mexico. Like, I literally live less than a mile from the border… I really should just go get lunch one day or something…

4) I will actually decorate my office with all the stuff I have had sitting around at my house for months. Status: Actually kept. I don’t feel like the decorating is really done in the office, but the decorations are no longer cluttering up my actual home instead of the office!

5) I will be better about focusing so that I can grade quickly and feel less overwhelmed throughout the course of the semester. Status: You know, it’s hard to say whether or not I did grade more quickly because spring semester I took on a really annoying class schedule and it screwed me over hard. I feel like I was a little faster this year, but I felt more overwhelmed than ever.

6) I will get the scratch on my Camaro buffed a bit to clear up the parts that can be cleared. Status: I just… didn’t do this. Broken.

7) I will repair the mortar on the fence outside the Utah house and seal the bricks on the window sills. Status: Somewhat kept/broken. I fixed the mortar on the fence outside but did not seal the windowsill bricks.

8) I will finish at least 26 books over the course of this year. Status: Look man. If my promise had been “Finish 26 fanfics longer than 100,000 words,” I would have blown this promise out of the water. But as it stands, I think I only made it to 10-ish printed books. I’m naughty. 9) I will retrim the grape vine at the Utah house and also spray/get someone to spray to kill the wasps. Status: Broken. I don’t know why I thought it would be smart to make a promise about trimming the grape vine, since that’s something you do in fall… when I’m not even in Utah… Hrmmmm… 10) I will get the mail man to stop delivering the wrong mail to my box because I’m getting ten times more mail for other people than for myself. Status: I had so many opportunities to do this, and I just didn’t. RIP.

11) I will have the fire escape window installed on the Utah house to make it legal to rent. Status: Broken. That’s a lotta money fam.

12) I will update Home and a Half at least four times (and no more double posts, just be chill Yehn, be chill for once…) Status: WOW. I was so, so optimistic, wasn’t I? 13) I will actually build all the furniture I bought for the Texas house and never assembled. Status: Mostly kept? I think there’s like one more thing I haven’t assembled (the spare futon), but up to this point I haven’t needed it, so...

14) I will actually watch Stranger Things since everyone keeps nagging me about it. Status: Broken. I just didn’t do this at all.

15) I will go to a dentist and get this annoying wisdom tooth removed and also see what can be done for my front tooth that got pushed out of alignment by said wisdom tooth. This really needs to happen ‘cause the partially erupted tooth is killing me. D; Status: Wisdom tooth is still hurting me… I am the worst at taking care of myself… 2019… the year of self-care?

16) I will take a road trip with my friend Karen like we’ve been talking about for a while. Status: Actually did this! Finally something completely kept. It was a great trip too.

17) I will continue to serve as the video game club’s faculty sponsor. Status: I was too busy… T_T Broken.

18) I will lower my credit card debt by at least $2000. Moving is so expensive. T_T Status: I ended up having major set-backs this year in the form of having to pay out of pocket for a new windshield in my car and also my Playstation flat out dying on me, so this goal did not get satisfied. But now that my car is completely paid off (hell yeah!), I’ll finally be able to start making big payments on this sucker.

19) I will have ALL my lesson plans planned out in advance for Fall 2018 so that I can just chill next fall. Status: YO THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. There were still some instances of needing to fix things, but overall I did actually have all the lessons done in advance, and that was probably the only reason I survived fall at all lol.

20) I will finish painting the living room in the Utah house, finally. Status: I… forgot I even made this promise. Yikes.

21) I will be better about walking my dog because I have been slacking lately. Status: I wanted to be better, but every fucking time I go to walk my dog, the neighbor’s Chihuahua runs through their fence and tries to attack my dog, so literally every walk becomes a nightmare and there were a lot of days when I just didn’t want to deal with that stress… :/

22) I will finish a game other than FFXIV this year. Man, so many games have been piling up… Status: I couldn’t even find time to play FFXIV this year, let alone another game… 23) I will write a new, original short story. Status: I… did not write like at all this year. 2018 was just really hard for me. T_T

24) I will get my black glasses fixed this year, finally. Status: Uh… Kept… I think? At least I think this promise was referring to the damage to the frames of my black glasses, which I did get fixed. But now the lens has a scratch… V_V

25) I will attend more professional development/on-campus events and trainings to bolster my evaluation. Status: Eh, kept? I’m signed up for a conference and did some extra training thing that I can throw on the sheet, so I’m calling it good.

26) I will ink and color at least the one drawing of Yehn’zi that I finished sketching a while ago and did absolutely nothing with. Status: A whole lot of nope on this one.

27) I will really finish moving in to my Texas house, no more “I’ll fish out the clothes from the Space Bag when I need them but never actually hang them up.” Status: I’m counting this as kept, since the only thing that didn’t happen is that I never took the plastic wrap off the top of my nightstand, but like… hey that’s a really convenient way to avoid water spots so…

28) I will volunteer at a non-profit organization to fulfill my “service to the community” work requirement. I mean, I will volunteer from the goodness of my heart… yeah… Status: Shitttt this didn’t happen and it really needed to… Oh dear…

29) I will level ALL my classes to 70 in Stormblood. Status: This also did not happen. No time to play.

30) I will reach 1000 followers on tumblr. You should follow me. I’m only marginally a waste of time and space. Status: Kept and exceeded! I’m at like… 1540-ish right now I believe.

31) I will find a salon so I can get my hair dyed consistently instead of looking like a shabby blob half way through each semester. Status: Well, the good news is that my hair color fades so nicely that one of my students actually asked if the strawberry blonde was my natural color. But uh… no… it’s not… so…

32) I will find some way to pay back my coworker for all the incredibly nice things she has done for me already. Status: I mean, I took her out to lunch a lot but I don’t know if I really managed to feel “equal” on the debts I owe her for helping me out.

33) I will see an Anhinga (it’s a kind of bird!) in Texas. Status: Kept! The very first time I went looking for it, I found it, so score.

34) I will win Camp NaNoWriMo this year (because November might never be a possibility for me again, given how much grading I seem to end up doing during that month). T_T Status: Broken. Again, I wrote almost nothing this year. Too much stress. T_T

35) I will scout for new neighborhoods to move to with better internet access and closer to my work. Status: Kept. It’s still a bit too early for me to be looking for specific places, but I have a better sense of where I’ll be aiming for when I do go to buy something.

36) I will try to get better at Spanish, possibly by using my DuoLingo app more. Status: …Broken.

37) I will buy sod for the front part of the Utah house so that my house actually looks decent from the curb. Status: I COULD HAVE… But I didn’t.

38) I will be more proactive about commenting, reccing, and reblogging content I appreciate online because I find so many wonderful things but I rarely say as much about them as I should. Status: I think I was worse about this than last year. I miss the days when I didn’t feel like every five minutes taken to myself was stealing from my work responsibilities…

39) I will actually use my Instagram account to upload my photography somewhere public. Status: I forgot I made this promise too. Oops…

40) I will go dolphin-watching in the Gulf. Status: Somewhat kept? I mean… I stood on the pier… And saw dolphins in the Gulf. That counts, right???

41) I will clear all the photos and videos off my phone and camera SD cards because they are overflowing. Status: Kept but now they’re just sitting on the hard drive unsorted and in a confusing jumble of unnamed folders...

42) I will update my calendar with important dates—holidays, birthdays, etc.—and be productive about sending cards and well-wishes. Status: Broken, just totally broken.

43) I will complete my series of posts about Yato/Hiyori. Really. Status: >___> One day…

44) I will not work later than 10pm on any given work night. I can’t keep running myself ragged. I need to brake sometimes. Status: HA. I was really hopeful. More broken promises…

45) I will explore some new places/cities in Texas that I have not been before. Status: I… did not do this. I had a chance to do this and I didn’t. D;

46) I will get a gardener for the Texas house because the lawn is basically unmanageable by myself. Status: Kept. Because… the lawn really was unmanageable by myself so…

47) I will clean out the fridge more often. No expired milk or ancient leftovers this year please… Status: >_____> Ooopppssss.

48) I will get some sort of watering system set up so that the lawn at the Texas house isn’t a total disaster anymore. Status: Somewhat kept. I did buy hoses and sprinklers to water the lawn but mostly it’s just been raining a lot and that made the grass greener on its own.

49) I will help make one of the super complicated cookies from the new cookie cookbook I bought for Karen. Status: Actually kept! We learned much about the workings of cookie guns.

50) I will keep these promises. Status: Ouch, this one hurts a little.

Totals Kept promises: 12 Broken promises: 29 Somewhat kept/broken promises: 9

Y I K E S ™. I thought last year was crazy and was so hopeful for this year… I had NO IDEA how hard this last year was going to be. So many broken promises; I feel so guiltyyyyy. DDDD; Although I’m still at the same job and not planning on dramatically swapping entire career fields again, things are still in the process of settling and there’s still SO much more I feel like I need to work on. 2018 was the year of being constantly overwhelmed. Unfortunately, 2019 doesn’t seem like it’s going to be much calmer because I’m still working on designing classes and getting my lessons ironed out, but I at least no longer feel like I’m at rock bottom… So, I’m cautiously, very cautiously, feeling the tiniest bit optimistic?

Let’s do this, 2019! The new set of promises will be up by tomorrow.

#50 promises #new year's resolutions #2018 feels like a thousand pound weight on my shoulders #time to shake it off #new year #IRL stuff #welcome 2019!!

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violethowler · 6 years ago

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My thoughts on Kingdom Hearts III

My initial reaction to the ending of Kingdom Hearts III was equal parts confusion, devastation, and just being overwhelmed by the sheer volume of how much time was spent on the final battle. I had a lot of conflicting opinions about how some things were handled, but unlike when that happened with the final season of Voltron, I feel a lot better about everything after a good night's sleep, because I was up late at night finishing the game. I'll get into the spoilers under the cut.

So, for starters, let me put my reactions on a scale of negative to positive:

Major disappointments that should absolutely be done better in the next saga:

After Kairi was hyped up for so long that she'd have a more important part to play in the story, her role in the final battle was a letdown. I can swallow her not being as amazing a fighter as the others because she's never been in combat before and she's been effectively thrown into the deep end on her first day, but I at least expected her to resist when Xemas grabbed her, instead of passively standing there like a helpless damsel in distress. The only in-universe explanation would be if after stress and panic of the previous fights, she froze up when Xemnas made a more for her. But after seven years of being built up as a Keyblade Wielder, and her relationship with Sora, she could have done so much more. I sincerely hope that Testuya Nomura learns from this and lets her shine in the next saga.

With trailers and interviews hyping up how big the worlds were this time around, having Twilight Town and 100 Acre wood be just one small area each was seriously disappointing. I was really looking forward to seeing more of the 100 Acre Wood. They could have fleshed out the whole "Sora disappearing from the cover mystery" for at least a little bit, maybe let us run around the other characters' houses instead of just Rabbit's. And for Twilight Town, I would have liked to have been able to see how the other districts looked.

Going straight to the endgame after San Fransokyo. I know that the creators decided to focus on quality over quantity when it came to the worlds in this game, but I was hoping for just one surprise Disney world that could give fans one last breather after rescuing Aqua and Ven. If not a Disney world, then I would have at least liked to have been able to explore more of Land of Departure or visit Radiant Garden outside of cut-scenes. I love RG's look from BBS and I would have loved to walk around and see the world restored to its former glory.

Vanitas was frustratingly underused in this game. For all the hype surrounding his return, I expected more from him. Especially because the Kingdom Hearts concerts kept including his theme music with the "heroes and heroines" meddley, tantalizing us with the possibility of him getting a redemption arc. And instead, he just dies all over again, only this time, he's calmly accepting his own demise instead of freaking out like after his final fight in BBS. As someone who loves the idea of him getting redeemed, that was a big disappointment. The only thing I'm hoping for is if he somehow comes back in the next saga, because it was kind of unclear whether he's really dead, if there's a way for him to come back, or if he's just faking it like Xigbar was.

Things I wish had been handled differently but I can ultimately live with and hope are handled better in the next saga:

The lack of focus on or explanation of the X era mysteries we've been pondering for years disappointed me on first playthrough, but now that I've had time to think about it, I realized that X/Unchained X/Back Cover/Union X/Whatever-They-Change-The-Name-To-Next isn't truly a part of the Xehanort Saga, but rather, the connective tissue that sets the stage for what comes after Xehanort. It was supposed to set just enough things up that we'd know who the Foretellers were and what Xigbar being Luxu meant. But because it was released before KH3, the fandom built up our expectations that the mysteries of what happened would ultimately be answered in III, so when they alluded to Marluxia and Larxene's past as Dandelions without following up on it, I was kind of disappointed. But now I realize that it was meant to open the door to them playing larger roles in the Lost Masters Saga.

Maleficent and Pete just lurking in the background despite trailers and previous games hyping up her interest in Luxu's box and the Book of Prophecy. This is something else that was clearly being set up for the sequel, but I wish Maleficent had at least had more to do. A boss fight with Pete followed by a conversation to establish that she's waiting for the dust to settle between the Guardians of Light and Seekers of Darkness before she makes her move would have been nice.

The sudden introduction of this mystery girl. At first, I thought when they kept mentioning this girl, they were talking about Kairi, and that we'd be starting to learn more about her past in Radiant Garden. I soon realized that the implications of Kairi's life pre-Destiny Islands were a red herring, but the more they kept bringing this girl up, the more I was expecting there to be some kind of explanation for who she was in the game itself. I can understand in retrospect why Isa and Ansem SoD would suddenly bring her back now, because both knew they were going to die (Isa at least had the promise of recompletion) and wanted closure on burning questions they hadn't thought about in years. Considering that the epilogue and secret reports imply she's amnesiac Ava, I think this is another case of planting seeds for future installments in a way that I wish had been done better.

After years of Aqua being celebrated as a badass Keyblade Master, her not really getting to do anything in this game is upsetting. Sure, things make sense from an in-universe perspective: she sent her Keyblade to Destiny Islands as a beacon for Sora, Riku, and/or Mickey to find her, which weakened her already worn down defenses when Xehanort’s heartless came for DiZ. With how much warping Terranort does, I figured he’d attacked Ven at speeds so close to superhuman that Aqua didn’t have time to react. And in Land of Departure, Nomura wanted to have Ven’s awakening be a dramatic moment where he swoops in to protect someone he cares about. But having Aqua kick Vanitas’ ass only for her to get taken down by a single Firaga spell feels like a poor way to achieve the desired result.

While having some Disney worlds follow the plots to their respective movies was expected, Sora, Donald, and Goofy's presence their felt a little insubstantial. I mean, I'm not saying they should have just copied the movie shot for shot with SDG there in the background, but it felt like they missed out on large chunks of the movies. It was forgivable in Kingdom of Corona because they were there for the important parts and Marluxia basically told them what they missed re: Rapunzel. With Arendelle it felt weird that they were really only involved with Elsa running away, the Marshmallow fight, and the ending. The rest was pretty much spent with Larxene coming up with elaborate ways to keep them away from the plot of the movie. With Pirates it was just ridiculous. They were really only there for the escape from Davy Jones locker and then just ran around with fake!Jack doing their own thing until it was time for the final fight of the movie. It's hard to not know the plots of Tangled and Frozen due to pop culture at this point, but if you're playing this game with no knowledge of the pirates of the Caribbean movies, you're going to be very confused on what's happening in the maelstrom fight.

Minor quibbles:

An explanation for what happened to Demyx would have been nice, but then, that could just be another mystery to be addressed later.

The whole "rewind time and replay everything before Sora's near-death until things change at the last moment" thing didn't really make a whole lot of sense, but it wasn't too big of a deal, and Xigbar's "we don't need you to make a second blunder" implies that he had something to do with it, which can hopefully be explained properly at a later date.

Little moments that weren’t necessarily big for the story, but I enjoyed anyway for personal reasons:

At first, I was crushed by Even’s return to the Organization because I loved the fanfic Why The Sun Sets Red where he becomes a surrogate parent figure to Xion, and wanted that relationship to be a reality in canon. Then when he saved Ansem, Hayner, Pence, and Olette from Fake Ansem, my head was saying “this is probably a trap”, but my heart screamed #ShittyScienceDadConfirmed. And I was so relieved when my heart turned out to be right. I will probably end up writing a post-III fanfic of Even bonding with his Science Daughter at some point.

I generally stay away from shipping in the KH fandom, but after years of having SoKai as my first OTP, I came to start shipping SoRiKai, and as upset as I am about Sora’s fate (I can’t really complain about that too badly since Nomura already promised that Sora would still be the main character in post-KH3 installments so having this kind of ending should have been expected, if not for 3 than for a future title), I at least take comfort in the fact that there’s enough wiggle room for SoRiKai headcanons set after Sora’s inevitable return.

Everything else that I absolutely loved:

The visuals were absolutely freaking gorgeous. On every single world, they went out of their way to make the graphics as beautiful as possible. The 2D fire effects on Olympus, the different shaders used each world to make Sora, Donald, and Goofy fit with the aesthetic...

The Skein of Severance. While I wish we'd gotten to explore more of the Keyblade Graveyard during the final battle, or that the maze was a little more elaborate, I loved having to fight multiple members of the new Organization simultaneously, and oh dear god the aftermath of every fight: Xion's return, Terra regaining control of his body, Saix's death.... I was sobbing after every boss fight.

Despite how complicated the lore has become, the story itself was actually pretty straightforward. It was pretty refreshing and reminded me of KH1 and BBS, where the heroes have a clear overarching goal and a reason for why they're traveling to other worlds.

As much as I wish that Unchained X had been held until after KH3, there's a stroke of genius to the epilogue: Because of Xehanort's whole "balance between dark and light" obsession and Riku's whole "dark is not necessarily evil" character arc, I've seen a consistent idea within the fandom that the main villain of the next saga after Xehanort should be one of those who fit into the "Light is not good" trope. And by implicitly setting up the "Lost Masters" for that role in the epilogue, they've both ensured a masterful conflict between the Keyblade Wielders of the past and the ones of the present, and ensured that the next saga will be as heartbreaking as possible by ensure that the fandom is already attached to these characters.

Honestly, despite the issues I've had with the game above, I absolutely enjoyed Kingdom Hearts 3. It was worth the wait in my opinion, and I can't wait to see what the future holds. My only hope, given the epilogue and secret ending, that we get an announcement of Kingdom Hearts IV within a year or so. Doesn't need to release next year, but it definitely needs to be announced for development.

#kingdom hearts 3 #kh3 spoilers #kh spoilers #kingdom hearts spoilers #kingdom hearts 3 spoilers #my thoughts #long post #my review

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