#I am the cause of my own misery but it’s soooo :(((((((

[horrorlesbians]

watching home renovating and decorating content while trapped in your childhood bedroom and living with ur parents due to not having enough money to leave is so

[eparvierr]

okay so i have Thoughts after finishing watching it

pete is so aggressively normal in comparison to the rest of them (the high schoolers) and i love that for him. and like maybe stephanie is fairly normal too. but pretty girls scare me.

i don't know what high schoolers are like cause i dropped out when i was 12 so this might as well be what high school is really like. i'm going to pretend it is.

the telemarketer x ruth gag got me every time.

i NEED a backstory on max jägerman. i feel like he has the potential to be such a complex character

i love being alive! fucking dies might be one of my favorite moments

for 0.1 secs i really had hope nothing bad would happen, because max misread their intentions in luring him to the waylon place. i was like "omg he probably has his own problems and maybe he could be The Redeemed Character and everyone will get along" but no. in retrospect it was stupid to think that but eh.

why did ruth die??? i liked her sm omg. misery wretchedness despair and hellfire on planet earth T-T

not the barista spitting in pete's cup. i hate that that made me physically ill. this is why i don't go outside

"are you a woman of faith?" "catholic." "i'll take that as a no." fucking killed me omg.

as someone who used to be devoutly christian, grace is so relatable but disturbing to watch in equal measures. the guilt, the 'divine retribution' she thinks she's meting out, the justifications, the repression, just chef's kiss. like i get that it's played off as a humorous gag like half the time and it IS funny but it's also so so serious to me.

i thought they were gonna make grace give up her bible as the thing she treasured most but i guess the way things went makes more sense

are we ever gonna get more info on the lords in black? cause i feel like they were way too interesting and full of potential for the tiny amount of screen time they got.

i am headcanon-ing at LEAST half of em as aro, trans, or both and no one can stop me

ms tessburger is so pretty i fear she is sooo my type it's not even funny anymore i want her to sit on my face what who said that

YEYSYYSYS HOLY SHIT YOU GET IT!!!!! YOUG ET IT SOOOO HARD OMG!!!!! YOU UNDERSTAND IT SOOOOO HARD ITS CRAZY YAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAA

ESPECIALLY regarding grace & the aro hcs

and do NOT worry, the lib are like a HUGE theme in nightmare time & the other musicals

the miss tessburger thing is so insanely fucking real. i literally need her so bad

[edoro]

dunno if you're particularly into the series at all, but if so, I'm curious about your feelings on the sibling/familial dynamics in gravity falls

oh anon, i was very into Gravity Falls! i have three fics published to my main ao3 account and a hidden disused tumblr full of spicy problematic shipping fics because i am who i am.

i think they're really good! there's a lot going on there. i like the tension between Dipper and Mabel, how one of them wants to grow up too fast and one of them wants everything to stay the same, and the way they clash and argue but are ultimately always there for each other. they clearly love each other a lot and have a far more supportive and functional family structure than the Stans did, but they still have their issues.

Stan and Ford meanwhile are an on-fire garbage can and i love it. these two are soooo fucked up. these twins have every single issue. love their wildly dysfunctional and abusive upbringing (cannot BELIEVE a number of people sincerely argued that their dad was not abusive lmao) and the way they both project so bitterly onto each other. love Stan's clingy codependence because he doesn't feel like he has any value outside of being attached to Ford, and Ford's simultaneous enjoyment of having a built-in scapegoat and hanger-on and someone to feel superior to AS WELL AS being smothered to death and wanting to just escape and create his own individual identity.

i love how messy and difficult the Stans' relationship is too even as adults, like, how they just can't let go of all the pain and wounds of their childhood or all that deeply held resentment towards each other. i have to say that insofar as i'm on anyone's 'side' here, it's Stan's; i understand Ford intimately, and get exactly why he felt and thought the way he did (and does throughout the series), but he's an asshole who scapegoats Stan as the cause for every single bad thing in his life because that's easier than examining 1) the larger systemic factors 2) the role their Entire Family Dynamic played in it 3) his own responsibility and also 4) the fact that while what happened with the project and his dream college chance sucked, for sure, having to go to a shittier school and work hard is... idk just not that fucking bad lmao.

like sorry dude but the pain and trauma of having to attend a second-rate college and really devote yourself to standing out does not compare to being kicked out of your home at 17 and made homeless, and it's something that tons of people deal with, and frankly i think a huge amount of Ford's anger about that imo is based in the fact that he feels like he's better than that and deserves better, and has spent most of his life seethingly furious about the fact that the world around him does not recognize his talent and superiority.

(which is very much a coping mechanism for feeling like the only thing he has going for him IS his intellectual abilities - nobody values anything else about him, and it feels like his only way out of a future of grinding misery, so of course he retreats into self-obsessed misanthropy. i understand it very well, but i have enough distance from my own period of Being Like That to recognize that it's a selfish and assholish way of viewing oneself and the world, lmao.

and to be clear i'm not bashing Ford here, i think he's a lot of fun and an excellent character and very relatable - he's very human, and i love that. he's messy and kind of shitty and struggles to be better, and it's extremely understandable.)

i think the way that we see Stan recreate his own childhood dynamics with Dipper is interesting too... the way he treats the twins is very, idk, i guess it's a very familiar sort of pattern to me. Mabel is a girl so he can form an emotional connection with her, that's safe, and she can be his silly special princess who he loves and spoils, but since Dipper is a boy, they can only connect through the Rituals Of Masculinity, which especially in Stan's case are extremely toxic and damaging.

so Stan ends up perpetuating his own abuse on Dipper, albeit less severely - i 100% believe Filbrick physically abused his kids, and i think sometimes Stan might skirt that line, but i don't think he'd ever raise a hand to either of the twins. he is absolutely emotionally abusive towards Dipper, especially earlier on in the show before they kind of reconcile in terms of Dipper thinking Stan hates him.

that's just really interesting to me! i always love that examination of like, how this sort of thing echoes down generations. you can see the fingerprints of Stan's father in how he treats both of the twins, the attitudes he brings towards them...

also Ford is like, wildly irresponsible lmao. the whole thing where he starts like, taking Dipper into his confidence and having him keep secrets and trying to get between him and Stan and Mabel... like i don't think he's doing it on purpose or has malicious intentions, he's just lonely and kind of stunted and really likes this kid and sees himself in him and is not really able to look past that self-projection to who Dipper actually is and how they're different, but oh man.

(the potential for writing it AS deliberate grooming is off the charts tbh. i'm still waiting for someone to come up with that fic because there's just a lot of potential there.)

so, anyway, tl;dr is that i think the sibling/family dynamics in gravity falls are really good and complex and layered, with a lot of pain and tragedy in there, but also a lot of love and striving to do and be better.

[gilbirda]

I posted 16,670 times in 2022

That's 6,991 more posts than 2021!

372 posts created (2%)

16,298 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@mekakido

@deathcomes4u

@high-pot-in-noose

@hopefulbandittrashsoul

@sometimes-me

I tagged 2,530 of my posts in 2022

#danny phantom - 192 posts

#gil answers - 162 posts

#dp x dc - 144 posts

#dpxdc - 122 posts

#anger management ship - 102 posts

#batman dc - 90 posts

#jazz/jason - 78 posts

#jazz x jason - 71 posts

#jason todd - 69 posts

#dc x dp - 69 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#add spain and that time we had 4 presidents in 4 month and some guy had to storm the congress riding a horse and declare some random dude k

I sent 1 gift in 2022

My Top Posts in 2022:

(in a read more bcs is long)

#5

Good Cop! Jason and Bad Cop! Jazz would be super hilarious 😂 Imagine Red Hood just pointing a gun at a criminal and being like, "Look, either you face my bullet or you talk your feelings out, what'll it be?"

And the criminal just scoffs, "How about we talk about my feelings?"

"Alright."

And then, this sweet young lady walks in, with a sweet smile, and says, "Now let's talk about your mommy issues."

"I'd rather face the bullet, ma'am."

AKWJDJCJFJDJJSJDJDJFJ

LMAO THIS WOULD BE THE FUNNIEST THING.

Honestly, power couple. One can make you cry and scream and regret everything.... and the other can do that as well but with a sweet smile and kind words.

Weaponized psychology.

But not like Spectra - nah, she's not into misery or causing problems. She just knows that some people would prefer death before facing their own issues.

I love this so much.

"I'd rather face the bullet, ma'am."

This will live rent free in my head.

794 notes - Posted August 7, 2022

#4

Mondays, am I right?

Or Danny is an Arkham Security Guard, from this post

Forgot to link some AMAZING art for this idea. Inspired the 'sneakers' part.

SOME FANART FOR MY FIC

[Read on AO3][Read on FF.net]

Sequel - Employee of the month >>

The first thing Danny said when Jazz expressed her interest in interning at Arkham was:

“Are you out of your goddamn mind?”

To which she answered:

“It is said that you have to be a bit crazy to work in Arkham, soooo…”

Danny had to agree that her response was quick and true, but still he didn’t like her going to that madhouse and probably die because, I dunno, Joker woke up wrong or she tried to psychoanalyze the Riddler. He said this to her through the phone, hoping that she could imagine him pacing up and down the apartment.

“The security there is top notch, Danny, and the bat-fam is always one call away.”

“You know as well as I do that’s bullshit. The guards are human, some of those crazies are not.”

“That term is very harmful, Daniel,” she used her mom voice.

“Sorry. But you see what I mean, right? If anything happens I won’t be there to save you. Not in time, at least.” He could try and measure how long it would take to fly from his apartment to Arkham, just in case.

There was a long silence. He heard his sister breathe in, breathe out, like she was mentally preparing herself to say something.

“I… I heard, from other interns I talked to, that guard positions are always open. And that it’s super easy to get in.”

“Jazz. Are you-”

“Don’t. I know you. Don’t think I’ll ever forget the ‘visits’ when I started college.”

Danny looked down and stopped pacing. Maybe he was a bit overprotective of his sister. Maybe he freaked out for weeks after she moved to her dorm, complaining about how long it took him to fly there. 

He regretted nothing.

“Gotham is too far from Amity. I prefer cutting the chase and having you with me in Arkham than dealing with a helicopter little brother on the reg.”

He swallowed the knot in his throat. “Is this your sisterly way of telling me that I should get a job?”

“I gave up after you were fired from the Nasty Burger. Nasty Burger, Danny! Not even Val was fired, and she had another job and the Red Huntress business!”

“I know…”

Jazz sighed. “I’m going to nap a bit and then finish packing things up here. I’ll text you the site where you can apply for the guard job.”

“Thanks, Jazzy.”

“Don’t call me that. Love you.”

“Love you.”

***

See the full post

813 notes - Posted February 1, 2022

#3

Time for some BatPham and DPxDC fic recs

I got a comment asking for some recs and I thought it'll be easier to have a masterlist or something in my tumblr and link that

SOOOOO I asked the BatPham server for recs and I'll just slap them here and add some that come to my mind in no particular order because it's 4:20 am (blaze it)(not really, kids, dont smoke) and ill comment some ive read personally

cheers!!!!

Now with Part 2!

Just the Typical Weirdness by Pandemi

The Phantom and the Knight by savya398

The Auction by Lalenja (young justice crossover)

30 Days of Kidnappings by Hyperintrovert

Types of Family by NerdofSpades

Unearthed, Reborn by QueenOfTheQuill

Pearls and Pomegranates by Evandarya (BrainDead (TimxDanny) inspired in Hades&Persephone)

The Fantabulous Emancipation of Danny Fenton by HistoricallyInnacurate

It Matters to Have this Ghost Clan Near (This Family I Never Knew) by SagaDuWyrm

The Captain and the King by Sivan5733 (A series featuring Captain Marvel AND John Constantine)

Change in Management by voidwriting (Love me some Sentient Gotham, I actually have to catch up with this gem of a fic) - with fanart!

Beauty lays behind the hills by Library_of_Cronos

moon's haunted by heybabybird (funny)

Speed Dial by apotheosis_avaritia (funny but short :( I want more)

Concession to Realism by wildimaginingsofhalfbakedideas (danny yeeted to WFA universe. Very cute)

Ghosts Don't go to High School by Evandarya (BrainDead cuteness tbh i love this one)

close enough to be whole again by hailsatanacab (twins Danny and Damian. ANGST. Good shit right here)

Green skies by siren_of_the_ocean

It's Hard to Make Friends When You're Half in the Grave by SagaDuWyrm

Leap Before You Think by TourettesDog

overbearing obsession by Ocearna (good shit right here, Ocearna's writing..... good)

Shrodinger’s Bat by Michaelisunderrated (angst! I have to catch up but it's really good as far as I read!!!)

Afterimage by TorScrawls (THE DESCRIPTIONS HERE! ELDRITCH DANNO..... GOOD)

Robin's Egg by Calix (really good!!!!! Damian is so serious and dangerous and will protect Danny like the "I only had X for a day but I would kill..." meme)

Raising Phantom by Imp_y (good shit!!!! de-aged Danny! Some Anger Management (JazzxJason) hints, batfam dynamics!!!)

See the full post

828 notes - Posted September 18, 2022

#2

Jason headcanon for y'alls consideration:

Jason needs glasses to read.

The boy must have read books in conditions that aren't optimal for reading. Since he was a kid.

Sure, the Pit could heal it all, but he was back it with his old habits after coming back to life, like hiding in dark corners to read. Places where no one would find him and he wouldn't be interrupted.

Sure, he could bring a lamp, but he was perfectly fine reading with whatever little light he got, why bother?

Fast forward some years, he notices that words get blurry and he has to squint more and more.

Roy mocks him. He looks like an old lady. Like a dad reading the newspaper.

He gets sent memes about old people facing small screens and modern technology

(Yes I'm pushing the Old Man Jason agenda as well, as seen in PandaRedd's skits.)

The thing is

He needs glasses to read.

Artists of Tumblr, please, I beg you. Jason with glasses.

1,372 notes - Posted October 20, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

An DC × DP AU wherein the whole of the Batclan is out of Gotham leaving Alfred with an empty mansion while the worst blizzard in decades in smothering out all crime in Gotham and Victor Fries is on a sort of parole with the League to conduct investigations on a Sub-Zero planet at the behest of the locals.

All is quiet until a silent alarm goes off and informs Alfred that one of the patio doors had been opened from the outside despite being locked, Alfred makes his way to the camera room to gaze upon the possible thief if not thieves. Instead he is greeted by a group of six poorly clad teens with two of them showing early signs of frostbite while another looks as if they are on the verge of going into hypothermia. Alfred realizes that the break in was to find shelter rather than ill intent, furthermore after listening in on the teens he is able to detect an Illinois accent among the group and mentions of a "Guys in White" as well as hearing the young woman who could be a twin of a younger Miss Gordon mentioning "waiting out the blizzard and finding Batman".

Rather than waiting or doing what anyone else in his position would do by calling upon Gotham's Finest to removing the group, Alfred maeldebhisvway to the kitchen to whip up a batch of his beloved Hot Cocoa and made his way to the teens unconcerned for his safety as none of the six seemed particularly dangerous especially the three who appeared to be in the most dire of conditions.

An AU in which Six Teens (Danny, Jazz, Sam, Tucker, Valerie, and Dani) from Amity Park are on the run from the Ghost Investigation Ward and they break into Wayne Manor in search of Safety. An Alfred centric idea as the Batclan are all elsewhere and the blizzard making moving about Gotham nearly impossible, with the GIW in search of the Six.

You know what? We need more Alfred-centric fics. Alfred is the best and is the original adopter of the Wayne clan.

I mean he looked at the wet pathetic cat that was Bruce and said "this one, this is my son now".

I can imagine he notices that the kids aren't normal kids... skittish, won't let him touch them, one looks pale but swears he isn't injured, Barbara's doppelgänger is the mom of the group despite not being much older...

He sends a text to Bruce and the others, but messages are not going through with the blizzard. He considers using the Watchtower to pass on the message, but it's not an emergency, is just a hunch.

He makes the decision, then. A secret for a secret - he works for Batman and will ask him the favor to help.

They don't buy it until Alfred proves it, somehow. And then-

Then the kids start talking. Alfred can see that they don't want to reveal a lot, that they don't want to worry him or speak too much without Batman here or are used to not speaking at all.

"Batman has the no kill rule," Alfred says after he got a clearer picture of their situation, "but I don't."

I'd love to read this. Right now I don't have the spoons, so if anybody can and want to, this is up for adoption!!!

(ha!)

1,622 notes - Posted August 8, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[g-on-ef]

Hey I was wondering if you're still a fan of Helluva Boss and what you thought of the latest episode?

@megashadowdragon asked: have you watched helluva boss episode 6 which came out today ( if you were unaware) what are your thoughts

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It warms my heart to know you guys ask for my opinion ^^ now let's get down to business

WARNING THIS REVIEW WILL BE A NEGATIVE ONE WIT A HINT OF POSITIVITY THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS ON THE EPISODE YOU DONT HAVE TO AGREE WIT THEM BUT DONT WASTE MY TIME WIT YOUR NEED TO ATTACK ME FOR HAVING THOUGHTS OF MY OWN YOU HAVE BEEN WARN

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

To answer both questions yes I still watch Helluva Boss however after their latest episode I think I will just stick to writing fanfiction about Blitz and Striker as well as stick to whatever content the fandom creates.

This episode if Imma be honest with you guys was not worth the wait, hell I was literally tempted to leave the episode as it just didn’t have my attention as the others.

The episode had some decent moments where I was chuckling a little but other than that I wasn’t that into it, to be honest the bad out weigh the good. 

Also I wanna add that a while ago I wrote how Vivzipop and her crew did not know how to handle complex characters or complex scenes and I was right, this show and their crew do not know how to handle mature topics without reducing them into a joke but we are getting ahead of ourselves so let’s start with the pros, the cons, and everything in between.

Let’s start of with the pros,

Loona knowing when Blitz was being serious was a nice touch, it showed that even if Loona acts like she doesn’t care about Blitz she actually pays attention to him and knows when he is being serious and when he is joking around.

Moxxie was the true MVP his interaction with the agents had me smiling as well enjoying his moments.

Blitz protecting Moxxie

STRIKER !!!! I am a simp for this imp and I’ll take whatever crumbs I can get to see him ^^

Verosika, Fitzorallia, love them, love them 

And that’s it...to be honest that’s it...like other than that that’s basically all that I like from that episode...

Now let’s get into the rest of this episode...

Okay was anyone other than me confused as to why they decided now was a good time to introduce the agents so late in the game?

Like at this point I am convinced that Vivizie and her crew are just winging it.

The agents were literally thrown in the show and it felt outta the blue, like I said it feels like Vivizie and her crew don’t know what they are doing and are just throwing things together like they could’ve given us hints that the agents were watching them, or give us a hint that they were being spied on, it didn’t even have to be big it could have just been small.

An example would be from my favorite book series Cirque Du Freak, in the first book Mr. Crepsely (a main character in the book) mentions something small that will become huge in later books, it was small but allowed the reader to be curious it gave the reader that something big was coming and we should be prepared.

Like I said it was a small hint but I left me curious and wanting to read more to find out more about what is going on.

Helluva boss didn’t do that it just threw this new idea and new characters without giving the others to grow.

If they gave us a hint that they were being watched it wouldn’t have felt like that idea came outta nowhere.

Also was I the only one that was uncomfortable with the way Blitz kept making jokes about the agent’s dead mom? I’m sorry but that was just wrong on soooo many levels.

Also with the truth serum thing...why did they use it if they weren’t even gonna get answers like again this came outta nowhere because the truth serum was supposed to make them speak the truth not look like they were tripping on acid. On less I missed something please let me now if I did.

Also to be honest the whole confession thing was once again treated like a joke, especially when Blitz asked Moxxie why he let Millie peg him, ummm...an emotional scene like that shouldn’t have jokes of any kind surrounding it, especially when it was supposed to be a heartfull moment.

Now Blitz ... okay Blitz and his vision was a little decent but I also didn’t like it.  A lot of people had their speculation especially with the Stolas scene but the more I look at it the more I see it as a bittersweet moment.

Revealing that he was afraid of intamacy wasn’t that big of a surprised since we already knew that like it was nice for conformation.

Okay now onto the Sto*itz moment in the song ... like I said this was bittersweet moment,

People interpet the scene as how Blitz is afraid to love Stolas others saw it as Blitz was still chained to Stolas and would only be free if he and Stolas talk it out and another mentioned how he was forever chained to Stolas and how toxic the relationship between the two is.

Honestly I viewed it as how Blitz will be forever trapped in situations like this were he is to afraid to love someone or love himself and unless he comes to terms with his own demons he’ll forever be trapped in an endless cycle of pain and misery.

Now onto why I think that that Vivizie and her crew can’t handle mature themes.

Two characters have just had a revelation about their relationship with one another and instead of being honest with each other it gets turned into a joke...again...

Moxxie told Blitz what he felt and Blitz told him he treats him like shit cause its tough love...da freak ??? You just had a moment where you realized you pushed everyone away because you were afraid to be alone so you rather push everyone away so you have an excuse to let them leave and instead of admitting to that you just tell Moxxie it was all tough love.

Not to mentioned that you’re giving compliments and than tell him your done because your out of compliments...again you had a huge revelation and instead of giving the characters time to digest what they went through you just toss it to the side. 

Another thing that pissed me off was how right after a huge moment you throw in a fight scene...I...why...just why ???

You had an emotional scene (that had no build up) but than throw it to the side for a fight scene that shouldn’t have been added at all.

Like the minute Millie and Loona saved them they should’ve opened up a portal and take them away not waste time on fighting only for them to get caught in the end.

Like I literally feel like they wasted all that time on animation than on writing and planning what they wanted from this.

Like again they had an emotional connection/scene and threw it to the side for some fight scenes which was a disappointment because had Loona and Millie saved them  and take them home Blitz could’ve had some major character development and the four of them could have a heartfelt scene admitting everything that bothers them and help them get closer. 

Nope, they decided to just throw a fight scene why I don’t know but it bothers me how they just tossed an emotional scene for some action scenes.

So yeah I am not happy with how that was handle at all.

Let’s also get to the Loona and Millie scenes...Millie crying for Moxxie once again made no sense as we never seen Millie care for Moxxie, hell she cares more for Blitz than Moxxie which is fucked up.

Hell when Moxxie was being critizied by her parents she didn’t do much to defend him hell Sally Mae was more honest with him than Millie.

Honestly Millie feels like she is being written by twenty different people who don’t know what they want from her.

And Loona, Loona could seriously be written outta the episode and nothing would changed.

Also they truly refused to let their characters grow seriously Moxxie was still treated like shit by Blitz in the end so yeah no character growth at all.

And now onto the last scene with Stolas and Blitz ... holy shit man Imma be honest with you guys Stolas asking for sex after saving them feels fucked up, to me it felt like the only reasons he saved the imps is so that he doesn’t get in trouble and for Blitz to reward him for saving them.

Again they could’ve had Stolas saving them and they could have had a heart to heart moment nope we had to toss all that emotional build up (if one can call it that) and toss it to the side for cheap jokes and a horny owl.

needless to say I was beyond disappointed with this episode and with the way they handle the “saddest” scene in the episode I am scared to see how they will handle the other scenes.

AGAIN I honestly don’t see why this episode took so long and I feel like Vivzie and her crew are more focus on the animation than anything else which sucks because this show has so much potential and it is being thrown to the side for pretty designs and shipping moments. 

Anywhore that’s my thought on this show let me know what you guys think ^^

~GoNEF out ^^

[the-hopeless-haze]

I hope he’ll be a beautiful fool that takes my spot next to you

Pairing: Sonny Carisi/reader, past!Rafael Barba/reader

Warnings: lots of angst (I bring up Undiscovered Country.... soooo...) smut (it’s NSFW people lol)

Word Count: like 5k words? Idk it’s a long one folks but I deliver

Summary: Based on “exile” by Taylor Swift for @thatesqcrush​ ‘s Valentine’s Day Bingo! Basically the reader used to date Barba until she didn’t and ended up with Sonny. Rafael is less than pleased. This is a cliche pairing (for good reason! It’s so fun to write!) but I like to think I added a fun twist... Sonny is an absolute mess, Rafael is very jealous, reader is a tad bit vindictive. This can be read in conjunction with “Being Alive” but it’s really a detour and a very loose association... there are just references because it’s so hard for me to write for these characters outside of that lens since I’ve been writing it for so long. That being said this can absolutely be read by itself and this only works if Rafael and the reader didn’t progress as characters in BA anyway lol

Murderous rage doesn’t even begin to describe what Rafael feels right now.

Behind the anger, there’s a sadness, cold and hard as stone, but he won’t touch that. It’s so much easier to be angry at Sonny than deal with anything that has to do with you. And that’s fair, isn’t it, anyway? Sonny swooped in the second things turned sour between you and Rafael and didn’t even give the two of you a chance to patch things up.

Or you went to Sonny of your own accord.

Maybe that’s more likely, but that hovers too close to the ache in his chest and he doesn’t allow himself to dwell there. Instead, he lets his ire build up until it consumes him, shooting daggers at the two of you across the bullpen office.

The two of you had always been touchy-feely - you were partners after all, very close, but you’d trained Rafael to swallow his jealousy. Told him you didn’t see Sonny like that. And for the most part, he learned to believe you. So now, he has to wonder how much of that was a lie, how much he didn’t see between the two of you, because there’s no way in hell you’d allow Sonny to touch you like this if it weren’t precedented.

Yes, at work, no less, you and Sonny are sitting at your adjoined desks, but you moved your chair to squeeze as close to him as possible. His arm is slung across your shoulder, a relaxed grip, because he knows there’s nothing Rafael can say or do that would make you leave him. Your head is resting on Sonny’s vested shoulder, and you’re laughing at something he said, no doubt a stupid joke that only you would find the humor in.

Death would be more welcome, Rafael thinks, then curses himself for being overdramatic. Still, when was the last time Rafael had been able to make you laugh?

Olivia had warned him of this new arrangement, but nothing could prepare him for this. Didn’t Rafael matter at all to you?

You lean up to kiss Sonny and Rafael thinks he might puke. —- Maybe Sonny should feel more guilty for kissing your mouth like you’ve been his this whole time, but he doesn’t. Because now he knows without a doubt in his mind this is where you belonged. He can feel the weight of Rafael’s gaze across the room, but he doesn’t mind carrying it, shielding you from it.

He did feel awful the day you came to him, your touch freezing and clammy from the inclement weather that you traveled through to get to his apartment, and then you practically pounced on him, told him you wanted him - and what was Sonny to do? Say no? No, after asking you a million times if you were sure, he gave into a temptation he’d be lying if he said he never thought about before. Of course, Sonny always imagined being between you and Rafael - he loved both of you in different ways, and the two of you seemed like a package deal at the time his original fantasies started to occur - but if you alone were going to come onto him, he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to oblige.

Don’t sleep with your partner was probably the first unwritten rule in becoming a detective, but it’s not like Sonny was going to stay at the precinct, anyway. He’d take Rafael’s place in the courtroom, too.

Still, when you first came onto him, he did feel a twinge of guilt, like he was hurting Rafael and you at the same time, in different ways, but then you explained it all to Sonny. How you always felt insecure around Rafael, that you weren’t sure if he really loved you, that you weren’t sure if you really loved him, that both of you had so much pressure to make this work that it started to fall apart under the weight of all your expectations.

You didn’t have to wait for Sonny to say he loved you, and you didn’t have to doubt it, either. He said it for the first time that same night, and he said it so fervently that you pulled his body back into yours, moaning your own declaration of love back to him. Maybe it was too soon, but he’d spent over a year pining for you (and Barba) in secret, and... well... he wasn’t going to waste what would be his only shot with one of you. He wanted you to know you would be well-cared for in his arms.

If looks could kill, Sonny would be dead on the spot and he knows this. But he also knows that jealousy is a cross Rafael has no right to bear. He had his shot, and he blew it. He should’ve let you know what you meant to him instead of clouding everything in his anxieties, his anger, his burdens from his past he never could let go of. Whatever he did now was too little too late, and even if Sonny had feelings for the lawyer, you always came first, and those said feelings would now never be stated out loud unless he got enough liquor in him and he was feeling sentimental that day.

Sonny used to root for you and Rafael, but he was always an embittered cheerleader, standing on the sidelines wishing someone could love him the way he thought you two loved each other. Appearances meant nothing, though. Now that you’ve let him in, he knows what you had with Rafael was far from the heaven you deserved.

And Sonny is all too keen to give you what you deserved.

As you lean up to kiss him again, he stops you for a moment, smiles down at you in adoration, and you giggle, “What?”

“Nothing,” he grins. “You’re just so beautiful, doll. I love you.”

Rafael’s gaze strengthens in intensity, and you almost turn to look in his direction before Sonny kisses you firmly, a smirk playing against your lips. This has to be killing Rafael, and Sonny isn’t usually that vindictive, but it gave him some sort of sick satisfaction that he was hurting Rafael just like Rafael had hurt you. And, you know, show Rafael what he was missing.

——

Sonny’s kiss is so warm, so comforting, but it doesn’t stop the ice running through your veins - you know Rafael is here despite Sonny’s best efforts to distract you from him. And you meet his eyes across the room for the first time since the night the two of you fought with each other for what would be the last time, the night you found yourself in Sonny’s arms instead. Those eyes add insult to injury, because you still know Rafael, and even if he’s standing across the room you know what he’s feeling. There’s anger there, but deep down you know he’s crushed at having seen you move on so quickly, and with someone he suspected you might leave him for in the first place. And he’s trying to drag you down to his level, get you to sit here in his misery with him.

This could break you if you don’t steel yourself, so you squeeze Sonny’s hand for support.

Sonny’s in tune with your body language, having been your partner for so long, and he stands to full attention, asking you if you’re alright.

“I’m okay,” you tell him, staring down Rafael until he makes his way over to your desk. You swallow thickly. Rafael when he was angry was never pleasant.

“This is cute, hmm?” he says bitterly, nodding sharply at the two of you.

“I like to think so,” you reply coolly, smiling at him.

“Barba, I know you’re waiting for Sarge, but can you please go wait somewhere else? She’ll be out any minute and you’re bothering (y/n),” Sonny asks, forever trying to be the peacemaker.

“She can handle herself,” Rafael says, chuckling sardonically, rolling up his sleeves nonchalantly. “Clearly. She doesn’t need you to fight her battles. But if you’d like to...”

“Mm, please, Rafael, like you’d get your knuckles bloody for me?” you snap. “Grow up. Everybody moved on. It’s time you do too.”

Rafael’s visibly taken aback by your verbal assault but he only lets it faze him momentarily. “Right. Moved on. Only took you five whole minutes to pack us up and leave me with it and you’re out here spreading your legs for someone else,” Rafael hisses, and you can see the moment when he realizes he went too far, the moment the wrath in his green eyes fades into regret.

“Get out,” Sonny says firmly, raising his voice enough to turn Amanda’s and Nick’s heads. “Get the fuck out. I don’t care how hurt you are, get out. You don’t talk to women like that. I’m honestly... I’m disgusted.”

“I... I am sorry—“ Rafael fumbles.

“A bit too late for that. I’m not your problem anymore, Rafael, so who am I offending now?” You ask. You weren’t upset by his statement - you did move fast with Sonny, faster than even you were immediately comfortable with, and you know how it must look to Rafael, how it must feed the flame of his absolute deepest and darkest insecurities.

Rafael glances around the room and realizes he’s caused a scene. Without a word, he leaves out the side door, forgetting his meeting with Olivia. He’s seen this film before, and the ending? It’s not worth sticking around for.

—-

Sonny could spend hours with his face between your legs, and he did. It was almost like the man never stopped talking because he wasn’t nose-deep in pussy - but you kind of chuckled at that thought because he wasn’t quiet even then. He’s always moaning, making obscene sucking sounds on your clit, talking to you, sending delicious vibrations straight to your core.

You come again, moaning and tugging at his hair, and Sonny adds to his total, grinning up at you, his face sinfully wet with your juices running down his chin. “That’s two down. Think you can give me one more before I fuck you?”

“Sonny, fuck,” you whine breathlessly as he runs his tongue over your now swollen and overstimulated clit. “I need a break.”

You love it. You’ve never had anyone this enthusiastic about pleasing you like this before, and you’ve never exactly been a pillow princess either, but Sonny protested if you even moved a muscle when he was going down on you, instead he’d chuckle and tell you to save your energy for when you ride him later. Not that he needed to be in you at all - you swear he could get off just eating you out. You never would’ve pegged giving oral as Sonny’s biggest kink, but you certainly weren’t complaining.

Sonny laughs heartily, crawling up the length of your body to kiss you deeply, the taste of you branded onto his lips and tongue. You moan as he rolls his hips against yours, the cloth from his boxers creating a tantalizing friction and you buck up against him on instinct.

“Ah-ah,” he tsks, moving off you to lay beside you. “I thought you needed a break, doll.”

You sigh, nodding, trying to catch your breath, but how could you, when he was still on the side of you, whispering dirty things in your ear? God, he really did never shut up.

“He ever fuck you like this?” Sonny asks, a devilish glint in his eye. For a second you think he’d take it back, apologize for asking such an intrusive question, but he doesn’t, and you know it’s because he’s just gone down on you for half an hour already and he’s got enough testosterone running through his veins he could kill anyone who glanced at you. Of course he was in competition with Barba, especially when he was this riled up.

“No,” you murmur, and you’re not lying. Sex with Barba was great, obviously, he’s very attractive and he knows what he’s doing. Rafael was a damn tease, but Sonny? Sonny was so much of a sap he couldn’t bear to hold anything back, couldn’t bear to see your lip tremble in want for even a second. And no one had time to fuck the way Sonny wanted to, drawing everything out and making you come so many times with his lips and tongue before he’d finally enter you. It’d always take a few hours, so this was usually saved for Monday mornings when the two of you didn’t go in until 3, or Friday nights when both of you were too wired to sleep anyway. Sure, there were days you were pressed for time and he needed to have you so more often than not he’d settle for making you come quickly on his face before pounding into you, but...

Rafael was a good, thorough lover, and god, you’d probably miss his hands for a long time to come, but Sonny’s tongue was such a good replacement.

“You just saying that, doll?” Sonny asks gruffly.

“No, honey, of course not,” you giggle. “No one’s as generous as you.”

“Generous? Huh. That’s a good one,” he laughs, and it seems like that comment brought out the underlying sap in him. His clear blue eyes soften and he smiles at you. “Nah, doll, I just love you so much, and making you feel good? What better way to show it, you know?”

This was a complete mess, you realized that, but you were blissfully happy in spite of it. How could you not be? It’d been an amazing three months. On nights the two of you didn’t work, you were treated to home-cooked dinners, bottles of wine, heated makeout sessions that always led to something more. If you worked, you’d take long showers together, massaging the knots out of each other’s muscles until you were both too dreary-eyed to stand.

Sonny was clingy, sure. You knew he would be, of course, and you weren’t used to that - sometimes you questioned if Rafael even wanted you in the same room - and it’s with a sudden realization that you come to terms with the fact that none of your relationships worked out because you needed that constant reassurance that Rafael and so many of your exes were reluctant to give.

It’s so easy to paint Rafael as a villain now that it was all over, but he wasn’t. You truly, truly loved him, even if he never took the time to learn your love language or make you dinner or marathon-fuck you. He showed his affection for you in other ways, but they weren’t as overt and it always left you questioning what he really wanted from you.

And anyway, it wasn’t enough to counteract the wrongs he’d done to you. Always making snide comments about how close you were to Sonny, to Amanda, to Nick, even... and it was in those moments you wish he didn’t love you so much, that he’d let you breathe instead of keeping such a constricting hold on you. You knew what he was scared of, he’d been cheated on before... but you hadn’t done anything.

He tried so hard to snare you down without taking into consideration that you already were his. Or, at least you had been.

When he got down on one knee you knew it was over. For him to be that insensitive, after you’d just gone through an accident and were barely coming back to life through damn near mandatory therapy and rehab... you couldn’t take it anymore. Didn’t he see the signs? You gave him so many, but he just never learned to read your mind after all that time.

And you didn’t want to be his, at least not in that regard. He wasn’t asking you for the right reasons. He was making up for lost time.

You never told Sonny that Rafael asked you to marry him, because that would wreck him and make you seem vindictive, but you have a feeling that Sonny knew anyway. Maybe Rafael mentioned it in passing. It doesn’t matter. You’d never be his wife now.

You didn’t intend this to be a long term thing with Sonny, but now you were used to him being in every facet of your life, and you supposed you did love him underneath everything. It was always Sonny who was there on those cold nights equipped with hot chocolate and cannolis, always him making you laugh when you were miserable about a spat you’d gotten in with Rafael, always him damn near reading your mind to give you what you needed.

Maybe it wouldn’t last. Maybe the two of you would go down in flames, too. Maybe he’s only being this amazing because he’s wanted you this long and he wants to show you what you’ve missed the time you wasted with Rafael, and it’ll fade once you’ve stuck around.

But you don’t think so, because you know he’s always loved you like this. The only things that have changed since you let him in is that he fucks you now and he’s practically moved into your apartment. He’s never quite kept his crush for you under wraps. On the off chance this is just a honeymoon phase... you’d still take it. It was bliss for now, and that’s what mattered.

“You ready for round three, doll?” Sonny asks. “Or you wanna sit there and daydream about Barba?”

“W-what?” you stutter, looking at him dumbfounded. “I wasn’t—“

“Don’t play dumb. I know you, (y/n).”

“Are you mad?” You ask, making your voice small.

“No. It’s only natural, right? I probably shouldn’t have brought him up in the first place,” he says, shrugging. “Still...”

“Don’t, Sonny,” you protest. “You’re not his understudy. I love you—“

“I know. That’s not why I’m saying that,” he says, kissing you gently. ——

Sonny would never tell you why he was saying that; why he brought up Barba in the first place. This was a fucked up mess, Sonny knows that, but he can’t help imagining you fucking him like Rafael used to fuck you. You and Rafael both have such dominant personalities, and it makes sense why you’d always be at each other’s throats in hindsight.

One of you had to be more dominant, though, and Sonny gets the sense that more often than not Rafael won your battles. But Sonny won’t even put up a fight against you, and for a woman who was so used to losing... maybe Sonny was doing you more of a favor than he realized. You’re an absolute tease, brutal, really... Sonny doesn’t know where you get the sadism because you’re so kind-hearted outside of the bedroom... but he’s never quite had orgasms like the ones you draw out of him either, so he’s not exactly complaining.

Okay, maybe he whines a little when you don’t let him come.

Or a lot. Whatever.

It’s so worth it, for both of you, even if Sonny can barely take the heat sometimes.

Sonny imagines Rafael doing that to you, too, getting you riled up and soaking wet just to say you can’t come until he said. Or teasing you while you were working (he’d seen that happen a couple of times) just to leave the precinct and leave you rubbing your thighs together in a vain attempt to relieve the ache between them.

Sonny could just never do that to you, lord knows. For one, he can’t stand to see you ache for him while he’s right there, while he can just give you what you need from him. For him he takes pride in the number of orgasms he can draw from you, not how explosive or mind-numbing they can be (although he likes to think he gives both in quantity and quality). Sex is all about giving to Sonny. It always has been. Besides, seeing you fall apart on his tongue? It drives him insane. Maybe most men don’t get as enthusiastic about going down on their girlfriends, but Sonny truly doesn’t think he could ever live without it.

Still... didn’t you take a little bit of your partner with you, even if it was over? In a way, Sonny realizes, he does have both you and Rafael now. Just like he always wanted. Because when you maneuver him where you want him, get bossy in bed, that’s Barba talking. When you drag his bottom lip between your teeth, fiery lust in your eyes, he can just imagine Rafael doing the same to you, you looking up at him with hooded eyes.

His favorite’s got to be when you speak to him in Spanish, whisper “te amo” to him under your breath, because that’s purely Rafael’s influence and nothing else.

Still, you’re mostly you- and that’s fine. Sonny always loved you more, anyway, he’s always been closer to you, always been head over heels for you the second he stepped foot in the precinct and Liv told him you were his new partner.

Sonny didn’t see a point in hiding your relationship from the squad. You were wary at first - everyone knew you just broke up with Barba, and making this public so soon would be a source of gossip. But he convinced you... through questionable means (make a girl come enough times and she’ll do anything you ask). At the end of the day, he doesn’t think anyone truly cared, even if Amanda made a comment; “Guess she’s a hot commodity around here. When’s my turn to date her?”

“I’m never letting her go now that I’ve got her,” Sonny had replied with a grin. “You missed your shot.”

“I was kidding,” she chuckled. “Good for you, though. You’ve been in love with her for a long time, puppy dog eyes and everything.”

Sonny just beamed back at her, but he wonders how obvious he truly was in his affection for you before the two of you started going out. Was it enough to make Barba jealous? Possibly. Maybe that’s why Barba was being so absolutely vile and hostile toward Sonny now, refusing to let him sit in on his closing argument rehearsals and making sure to send more snide remarks his way whenever possible. Sure, Sonny expected that, but if only Rafael knew Sonny loved him too.... Maybe the wound wouldn’t sting as badly as it did. There wasn’t a chance in hell Sonny would say anything now, especially with the way he talked to you the other day (you’d think a lawyer who handles mostly sex crimes would refrain from slut-shaming his ex-girlfriend, but, apparently his anger truly did get the best of him). Still, he’d always love Rafael just like you always would.

Sonny knew there was always a chance that he was just a rebound, that you’d leave him to go back to Rafael, but time goes on and you stay with him and Rafael stays bitter, barely looking at the two of you. Years pass and Sonny tries to extend an olive branch every couple of months, but Rafael would rather eat poison, it seems.

Fair enough. You couldn't say Sonny never tried. ----

Rafael spent a few years feeling like an exile every time he stepped foot into the precinct - and it wasn’t fair in the least. He was A.D.A. before you even got your badge. If anything, you should be feeling like the odd one out now that the two of you were over. This was his city.

But you’re not his homeland anymore. You haven’t been, not for a long time.

It was a new kind of torture every day, watching you and Sonny get closer, closer, closer… Rafael kept searching for reasons to leave New York City that wouldn’t have to do with you.

And then he found one.

Rafael’s standing outside the courthouse, where he just got acquitted for infanticide. It’s bitterly cold, he’s wearing his tan coat that you’d rarely see him out of this time of year. And you come up to talk to him.

It was rare that you did that, anyway, you did your best job to ignore him unless you absolutely needed to speak with him. But now he gets the feeling it’s time for confessions, words you always wanted to say to him all these years now that he was leaving out the side door of your life for good.

It’s a strange kind of sickness, watching you move on more and more, seeing your stomach swollen with Sonny’s child, your finger gleaming with Sonny’s ring, your last name changing to Carisi.

“You’re really leaving?” you ask, pulling your coat across your belly - it wouldn’t stay closed with the buttons anymore. You shiver, sip at your coffee.

“I can’t exactly stay now, can I?” he asks brusquely. “You really shouldn’t be drinking coffee while you’re pregnant.”

You snicker. “It’s not your baby, is it, Barba? Good thing, too. Wouldn’t want her to come out wrong. You might kill her.”

“Oh, fuck off. I don’t need this to be rehashed,” he snaps harshly, bitter tears leaving his eyes. “Did you have anything else to say?”

“It’s decaf coffee, anyway,” you mutter. “I really thought you’d have left a long time ago.”

“Why, because of you?” he asks, laughing bitterly. “Are you really that arrogant?”

“You still look at me like you want to kill me half the time.”

“Just… I still don’t understand what went wrong.”

“If you don’t know by now… I really don’t know what to tell you, Rafael. I gave so many signs. And Sonny… he treats me well. He gives me things you were never ready for, and I… The way things happened… they truly were for the best.”

“For who?” Rafael asks, fighting against his body’s overwhelming desire to break down and sob. Hadn’t he learned by now, though, that there was no amount of crying he could do for you? Still, when you left him, everything went to hell. He tried to pour himself into his work, and this… watching you get and stay happy was salt in the wound.

“I think leaving will be good for you,” you say, ignoring him. “You can move on. Meet someone new. Get a new job. New start. You know?”

“I think I’m too old for new starts,” he scoffs, shaking his head.

“Won’t know unless you try, hm?” you ask, nudging him in the side. “You’ll make it. You always have.”

“Not with you,” he murmurs.

“No. But you didn’t need me. You don’t need anyone.”

“Is that what you tell yourself, to make yourself feel better for what you did to me?” Rafael asks, his voice breaking a little. He was always so desperate not to show vulnerability, especially not around you… but what did it matter now?

“Rafael… we always walked a very thin line. You have to know that we weren’t going to stay together even if we tried to. And why should I have to be miserable just because you are?”

He stays silent because you have a point and he’ll be damned if he lets you know that.

“Sonny loves you, you know,” you say abruptly, and Rafael quirks up an eyebrow. You laugh. “Yeah. He’s very testy about it, but I’ve been with him long enough. I know he does. You should’ve jumped on him before I had the chance. He would’ve taken you. He would’ve taken both of us, but… you and I couldn’t share.”

“You can have him,” Rafael says, rolling his eyes. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“It’s just… you didn’t have to spend all these years hating us, feeling like a foreigner in your own city. We would’ve taken you back. You just didn’t want us.”

“I didn’t want the Carisi package deal. I wanted you. I dated you, not him. I loved you, not him.”

“First of all… I meant as friends. But also… Like you’ve never thought about it,” you tease, grinning at him.

Rafael rolls his eyes. “See, this is why we had problems. That’s not funny. Wandering eyes… that’s a problem.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” you say, shrugging. “Sonny’s surprisingly liberal. But that’s great that you were finally able to admit that your jealousy made me feel like I couldn’t breathe.”

“I’d argue my jealousy was warranted. I find it hard to believe that you didn’t fuck Sonny before you broke up with me,” Rafael scoffs.

“I didn’t!” you protest. “I’m not having this argument with you, because at this point, it doesn’t matter if I did or not, but I was nothing but faithful to you, Rafael.”

“Then how could you just move so fast?"

“It’s not like I just picked him up off the street. We’d been friends before.”

“Right. Friends.”

“Yeah. Friends,” you repeat sarcastically. “You see why we didn’t work out now?”

“Guess so.”

“You know, I do wish the best for you. Honestly. You deserve better than the cards you got dealt here.”

“You can say that again,” Rafael sighs. “I did really love you, you know.”

“Yeah. Sometimes that’s not enough. I loved you too.”

He takes a deep breath. “I wish you the best too. You’ll be a good mother.”

“Thank you, Rafi,” you whisper back, leaning over to hug him softly. There it is again; that cold bitter ache - when’s the last time you referred to him by that nickname? And now it would be the last. “Goodbye and good luck.”

"Yeah, you too," he says, rubbing your shoulder awkwardly, remembering a time when touching you was second nature. He watches you, your eyes make contact with Sonny's, and you turn back one last time to give Rafael a sympathetic smile... and that's the last time he ever sees you.

Taglist (lmk if you wanna be added!): @stormtrooperofficerbrowneyes @thatesqcrush @law-nerd105 @blackeyedangel9805 @moon-river-drifter @dianilaws @xecq @lv7867 @teddybluesclues @averyhotchner @houseofthirst @stardust-fray @lapaquerette @wanniiieeee​ @altsvu​

[actualbird]

hihii !! to add onto ur everything-about-luke's-illness post, aaron said that luke had inhaled a shit ton of toxic gas during a mission and luke was one of the only people (if not, the only one,) among his colleagues who survived

and that got me wondering, what if luke like has cancer from the toxic gas which is why his lifespan is decreased to 3 years. and like, what if the neuropathic pain WAS from the side effects of the treatment/surgery/medication for his illness, INSTEAD OF the illness itself since aside from cancer, neuropathic pain /can/ come from medication, nerve damage after surgery or trauma, and many more. thats probably not it since the technology in stellis is so advanced so maybe the medicine and treatment wont have neuropathic pain as it's side effects but like what if .

i really do hope that they won't kill luke off bc if they do ill cry rlly rlly bad && i dont think that they will kill him bc most of the tot players play the game for him But at the same time i feel like they will because mihoyo is Cruel and Evil. they're probably having the hardest laugh of their lives rn at how we're all begging them to keep luke alive. they live off our Misery and Pain. they're Sadists. i feel like the most mihoyo would do is increase his lifespan by like another 5-10 years which is like okay i guess since i dont think the game will go on for that long ?? maybe ??

i dont know everything about luke's illness bc im too lazy to read the cn cards soooo if anything i said in this ask doesnt make sense that's why HFKSDGJSFHKS. if they do mention it in those cards do u mind listing them out ? ( only if u feel like it of course ! )

aaaaaa sorry for the ramble fjksdskhdksh

// luke story spoilers, cw cancer

irt luke's illness

YEA YEA!!! i rmr the toxic gas thing (mentioned in the last portion of personal story 2) and luke indeed was the only fucking survivor on that mission, yikes.

THIS IS VERY INTERESTING THO, UR RIGHT. my knowledge on neurological disorders comes from my own personal experience (i.e. i just woke up with mine one day and then it never went away lol) so i didnt know neuro problems can also be caused by trauma from treatments!!! my knowledge on cancer treatments is also very limited, so i'll just nod esp bc this is very very interesting to me

stellis 2030 is very advanced but surely it cant be perfect!!! like, terminal (luke) and degenerative (alzheimer's still exists, featured heavily in Marius SSR Eye Of The Beholder) conditions still very much exist. and it would be a fascinating kind of thing to put luke through like......medical intervention is the only thing that can save him but it's also the very thing that got him into this mess

i am HOLDING ONTO THE HOPE that they dont kill luke if only for business reasons. but also i know mhy is brutal, theyve killed off playable characters in their other game, honkai, so like. I Feel Fear.

i havent read too many of the future cn server cards sadly huhu and the ones i have read do not mention further info on his illness. However, i know his illness is brought up in personal story 4 and his anniversary confession card.

never apologize for rambling in my inbox!!! i enjoy it very much :DDD

[desi-anon-confessions]

Hii! So there's this one person I know who has bitched about me behind my back and me and some of our common friends met her today. We were doing karaoke and then she went and picked mere liye tum kaafi ho and I'm queer but because she hasn't exactly been nice to me I don't like that shes enjoying one of the few songs that people like us have and I feel so petty 😂😭 but also cant get myself to stop 😂😭

It's so weird I don't wanna be an ass but I also do 😭😭😭 but then the thing is I never say this out loud either so I'm just stewing in my own pile of misery 😂😭 I feel kinda pathetic but I also don't why am i like this 😭😭😭

Tis not pathetic cause I feel like that soooo many times trust me but like that girl may try but she's never gonna have the coolness of us queers so like dw jaan

[chuchuroon]

IKEMEN SENGOKU:  FEAST THINE EYES ON STEAMPUNK WARLORDSSSS

Soooo after MM I have finally found my next Otome obsession Currently, the Taiwan server of Ikemen Sengoku is running a region-exclusive event that puts all the Warlords in a Steampunk AU. The outfits are too good, so I wanted to share this with the Western/JP server players! (Currently, I play on all 3 servers like the dumbass obsessive idiot I am)

More photos and information on the event story under the cut! (SPOILERS for the Taiwan Ikesen Steampunk Event). If you’d like to play on the Taiwan server, the app is named 美男戰國 (copy paste into your app store and search) and it doesn’t appear to be region-locked. Ikesen is licensed to/published by a different company (iSweety) in Taiwan, so they sometimes have artwork and events /merch that are exclusive to that region, as well as unique promo videos.

There wasn’t a promo page where I could grab the event artworks, so pardon my phone screenshots of dubious quality. I tried my best to take screencaps where the dialogue was minimal so you can get a better idea of their outfits. They’re all so good!

A 3/4 view of Mitsuhide’s Steampunk outfit. In this event, only stories for Nobunaga, Masamune, and Kenshin are available, and a minor collectible story for Ieyasu.  In Masamune’s afterstory, he mentions that Mitsuhide has the special ability to read people’s thoughts.

*holds back nosebleed* I’m weak to men with slender waists ahhhhhghhgh. Masa’s Steampunk outfit fits him so well (Is that a man-corset? Can we make all men wear corsets?) and of course his collar is unfastened. I love the cogwheel design on his eyepatch too.

Even Kennyo looks rather dashing, that rascal, although he’s human in this story and hates the androids (and especially Nobunaga, of course) for having killed his fellow brethren. 

IKESEN STEAMPUNK EVENT: STORY BACKGROUND / INTRO 

You, the (human) main character, are the granddaughter of an eccentric Duke that created sentient machine life-forms called 械偶, which I will call androids for now (The name literally translates as “mechanical puppets”). Kennyo and others sometimes refers to them as merely “puppets” (人偶), likely in a derogatory manner.

The androids are sentient and are made of cogs and wheels and circuitry, and powered by a main heart-like “core” which contains a rune. The rune contained within the core is referenced as the “soul” of the androids. Runes have different names, meanings, and uses. If an android’s core is too badly damaged, they cease to function, or die in the robot sense of the word. Even if the core is repaired, if the “rune soul” is damaged, the android wouldn’t be considered living/sentient even if the rest of its mechanisms are functioning. Runes can exist in other forms, such as carved on things like doorways and rocks and hold power. There are teleportation runes which is how androids manage to quickly travel to and from the human community when necessary. Different circuits within an android serve different functions (movement, senses, etc), much like how different lobes or parts of the brain control specific bodily functions in a human. There are different types of androids, such as battle-types and healer-types, and they can have specific protocols and purposes. The story alludes to additional types, but they are not specifically named. Androids have masters, who are typically the one who created them, although this can differ. If a master dies, an android can live without a master or choose to follow another one. Androids can have multiple masters in their life, but in the story the majority of the androids live in their own community and no longer have a master. 

Androids can obtain energy through consuming human food/drink, although it’s not described as their ideal or main method of obtaining energy (the main method was not specified). It’s possible for traces of human food and drink to remain in their system, which can eventually build up over time and cause them to break down. Androids have their own emotions/opinions and thoughts, and can touch and feel just like humans. However, there is tension between humans and androids, who fear that androids, being physically superior, may one day wipe out the humans, and fights often break out. 

After your grandfather’s death, you go to “Elfland”, a hidden, floating island-slash-sky vessel created by your grandfather that is the last standing community of the sentient androids. Within this community, there are peaceful androids, who do not want to harm humans, and anti-human androids, who will attack humans on sight, as well as a third, neutral faction. You are here to search for your grandfather’s hidden treasure, which he left you clues to before he passed away, and you’re assisted by the androids during your search. Nobunaga, Masamune, Mitsuhide, Mitsunari, Hideyoshi, are part of the peaceful faction, while Kenshin is part of the anti-human faction. Yukimura and Ieyasu are part of the neutral faction. In Kenshin’s route, Sasuke and Shingen are also mentioned briefly, but their faction is unknown. There was no mention of Yoshimoto or Ranmaru. 

CHARACTER STORY - MINOR TO MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW    

Masamune:

Your grandfather the Duke had a friend and fellow android researcher whose eldest son passed away. In light of this, the Duke created Masamune in the image of that eldest son, to keep his friend company. Instead of “Master”, Masamune referred to the Duke’s friend as “Father”, and they had a close relationship.

The Duke and his friend eventually had a bad falling out that escalated to violence, and Masamune got between them to stop them from fighting each other. His “father” tried to shoot the Duke, and Masamune chose to protect the Duke. As a result of this incident, Masamune lost his right eye, and also became estranged from his father, who was upset that Masamune chose the Duke over him.  Although Yasu-bot offered to fix it, Masamune declined, saying that he wanted to keep the broken eye as a reminder to himself that “all choices have consequences” (and because eyepatches are cool). When you arrive on Elfland, he has you skydiving into your target exploration area rather than take a long time to walk there, and generally shows you around and adventures alongside you, while simultaneously protecting you from skirmishes against the anti-human androids. Ieyasu mentions that while Masamune “isn’t a battle-type android, he’s pretty capable”, but doesn’t really explain just what kind of android he is. When Masamune’s father got grievously injured, he was kept alive but was on a deathbed, suffering from tremendous pain every day. When Masamune came to visit him, he begged for Masamune to put him out of his misery. Masamune decided to do so, knowing that it would result in his father’s wife and younger son resenting him and people saying horrible things about how he’s an android that killed his own master who treated him like a son. You, of course, help resolve this misunderstanding and also see past the terrible reputation this gave Masamune, and you accept him fully, ya’ll bond over war and fighting dealing with your ex-fiance (who happens to be the biological younger son of Masamune’s father, and colluded with Kennyo to try to wreck Elfland) and discovering your granpapaw’s treasure, and become lovers. In the afterstory, Masamune recalls that his father once told him to live life to the fullest. “If you’re not doing what you love and enjoying all that life has to offer, then you’re not truly living, whether you’re made of flesh or steel doesn’t matter. Otherwise, even if you have a heartbeat and you’re breathing, you’re no different than a walking corpse. If one day, I can no longer feel like I’m alive, then I’m already dead, even if my body is still functioning.” Reminiscing on this, Masamune wonders if meeting you was all fated since then. “I’ve fallen in love with an incredible woman”, he realizes, and listens to your heartbeat and makes you listen to his - “Every movement of every cog in my body is saying how much I love you, to the point of breaking. Can you hear it?” He asks. “Let me listen awhile longer, and I’ll answer,” you reply. In true Masamune fashion, he declares he can't wait any longer and decides to get his answer directly from your body. Yee haw.

Nobunaga:

He has a special ability which can disable the functions of other androids temporarily. During your research you discover that he was made in the image of the famous historical warlord Nobunaga Oda, who once united Japan. You guys are already lovers when the story begins. Human-Android tensions are high, and what’s worse is that Mitsuhide has been sneaking around meeting humans (including Kennyo) and making shady ass deals. You discover your grandfather’s treasure hidden behind a door with a riddle written in ancient Japanese, a dead language that only you know because your grandfather taught you. The riddle reads: “What can save both the humans and androids and allow them to live in peace?” and the answer is “love”, and the door opens when you write out the character for love in Japanese on the entrance. Inside the treasure box you find in the room, you learn secrets that could be used for both great and terrible deeds, including the knowledge of how to create sentient androids and how to destroy them, how Elfland was created, and various other secrets about androids. You decide to hide them again to prevent this knowledge from getting into the wrong hands.

Human-Android tensions escalate into full out war as Mitsuhide informs the humans how to gain access to Elfland and where to attack. Kennyo and Nobunaga cross swords and Nobunaga is nearly outmatched when Mitsuhide appears, revealing that he led the humans here intentionally because he wanted to herd the bulk of the anti-Android fanatics together in one location and collectively wipe them out in order to effectively stamp out future threats of war. He apologizes for being late as he was delayed by Hideyoshi-bot almost killing him. Nobunaga just laughs and tells Mitsuhide he deserves it for worrying Hideyoshi, and a spiteful Kennyo reveals that he has been modified with Android parts to become stronger, and activates this power to try to land a killing blow on Nobunaga - only to discover that Mitsuhide has even plotted everything this far back in advance, and way back when Kennyo was being modified, Mitsuhide ensured that he had faulty parts installed. Heheh. Mitsuhide:2, Kennyo: 0 In the afterstory, it’s revealed that one of the secrets you learned was the process of turning an android into a human. Androids can perform what’s called a “soul contract” with each other; when two androids perform this, they become linked and know each other’s thoughts and feelings, and if one Android dies, the other also loses power to their rune core and dies as well. However, if an Android performs a soul contract with a human, they can become a human (but there are unspecified risks involved, and success is more or less regarded as miraculous), and share a life. Since Nobunaga’s primary protocol was to protect Elfland and the vault that guarded your grandfather’s treasure, and that duty has been completed, he wishes to become a human so that he can grow old with you and share the same lifespan. You establish the contract and miraculously he’s turned into a human and ya’ll enjoy fun kinky times where you both know what the other is thinking and feel what the other is feeling (oh boy).

Ieyasu:

Healer-type android and constantly frets about the fact that he’s not a battle-type and therefore weak, and wonders why your grandfather created him this way. He claims to not like humans, and he blames himself for not being able to save the Duke, but you help him understand that it wasn’t his fault and that you are thankful he was able to stay by the Duke’s side and keep him company when he passed. He complains about having to repair Mitsunari-bot (who we never see). He is reluctant to get involved with humans, though this is revealed that it’s because he believes humans are too frail and die easily, and he didn’t want to experience heartbreak again. One of the lines he mutters to himself (well out of your earshot of course) is how the existence of people like you and your grandfather is the reason he could never bring himself to fully hate or reject the humans. He has a workshop and appears to not differentiate between factions when it comes to treating those who need it, as he mentions having repaired Ken-bot before as well, who is on the anti-human faction.

Kenshin:

The text translates to “My emotional circuits have been broken since a long time ago”. I chortled to myself for a good, long minute at that one. 

Anyway, Ken-bot is a battle-type android who also happens to have “protecting you” written as his top/primary protocol by your grandfather, which is why he goes along with all your endeavors despite belonging to the anti-human faction of the androids. He constantly emphasizes the fact that, as a battle-type droid, he is only capable of fighting and causing destruction. His emotional circuits aren’t completely broken, and he still has an obsession with sake and dried plums, which, according to Sasuke-bot, Ken-bot partakes to a degree that leads Sasuke-bot to believe Ken-bot is trying to drink/eat himself into an early grave. 

You learn from your grandfather’s journal that he originally created Kenshin as a battle-type android, but that he desired to have Kenshin protect his legacy (the androids on elfland, and his granddaughter) rather than simply for fighting and destruction. He saw Kenshin as a protector, not a destroyer. You try to tell his to Ken-bot and also confess your feelings, which seem to cause Ken-bot’s emotional circuits to malfunction even more. “I don’t understand what you mean when you say you like me,” he says brokenly, and during the height of the human-android battle decides to stick you in the safest place possible, which is in a... dun dun dun-geon. He then throws himself into such a battle frenzy against the humans that invaded Elfland that Yuki-bot (instructed by Sasuke-bot, who we never actually see) comes to release you from the dungeon and take you to Ken-bot in order to save him from himself. Ken-bot believes the only way to achieve lasting peace is to wipe out all the humans. You challenge him by saying he should then kill you, since you are a human. Just as you seem to be about to convince him, a shot rings out, and Kenshin shoves you out of the way, his core taking a hit from protecting you. Shingen-bot and Sasuke-bot also having taken serious injuries, the anti-human faction have no leaders, and retreat. 

You take an unconscious Ken-bot to the Oda forces to seek Ieyasu’s help. He says that the rune powering Ken-bot’s core is damaged too badly, so you find the hidden treasure of the Duke, hoping to learn a way to restore Ken-bot. Ieyasu suggests attempting the soul-contract to try to convert Ken-bot into a human as a last ditch effort to save him, as it allows the bonded pair to share their lifeforce, but he stresses that there’s no known record of it succeeding, and you may shorten your lifespan as a result. Your grandfather’s records also mentions that would only work with high-level androids. Yasu-bot also adds this flavor text that by attempting the soul contract, “You will share and endure all of the hardships, feelings and memories from the past of the other person”. You, of course, plow forward without hesitation, to which Yasu-bot gives his typical sigh of annoyance. “As expected of you”, he comments simply, and adds “I can see why this emotionally-broken idiot would be changed by you.”

After what feels like a long and painful dream, you wake up to find Pinocchio - I mean Ken-bot - has become a real boy! He confesses his feelings to you, Yasu-bot fills you both in what happened with current events while you two were unconscious, and slaps on an added warning to Kenshin of “Don’t ever make her cry again. There’s more people than you can imagine who hold her in high esteem, and they’re all incredibly annoying people...and will be much more difficult for you to handle now, as a human” - to which Kenshin answers with a typical bloodthirsty threat and by grabbing and hugging you possessively. Yasu-bot shrugs and says he doesn’t want to meddle in between “an annoying couple” anyway, and makes an offhand snide remark about how neither one of you make him worry any less than Mitsunari-bot does, checks up on you two one last time, and hurries out the room like he can’t stand to be there for another moment longer. Which is smart of him, since in the Afterstory ya’ll basically exchange mushy ass words with each other and do the nasty.

annnnd there’s the Steampunk event as I experienced it. Hope to see some Steampunk AU fan creations of our favorite warlords in the future!

[hamliet]

Hello, here I go again with mdzs asks cause I love to read your intakes on the novel, haha. What do you think about Jiang Fengmian ? I don't know if it's an unpopular opinion but I actually hate him and think he's a terrible father (and husband). A lot of misery could have been avoided if he behaved differently. I can't stand when people portray him as a good man with no fault all the while blaming Madam Yu and Jiang Cheng. 1/2

I have nothing against his love for Wei Ying but the way he behaved with Jiang Cheng was the worst. Like how could he wish for WuXian and Jiang Cheng to grow closer while never acknowledging his son's effort to please him. And Madam Yu had to suffer neverending gossips too. 2/2

Bless you for another MDZS asks!!! I love this story so much. 

So, I rank Jiang FengMian right there with Yu ZiYuan. Great characters, but I find your assessment fair. I don’t hate any character (well, maybe Wen RouHan?) because MXTX is too mean of an author to let her audience be happy any is suffering even when they brought it on themselves (cough, Wen Chao). Basically JFM is a character, like YZY, whom I think is characterized mostly by their failings as a parent and spouse, and I m exceptionally bitter at how he treated Jiang Cheng.

That’s a great point about how he wanted them to grow closer (ostensibly) yet never acknowledged his son. I think it’s telling that when Jiang Cheng says “he doesn’t like me because I’m like my mother and he doesn’t like her,” Wei WuXian, the perennial king of optimism, can’t think of something to counter that. I do think JFM loved Jiang Cheng, but he still may not have liked him, and favored WWX as the son he never had with the woman he did love (good for CangSe SanRen for choosing a better husband though). And his treatment of Jiang Cheng led to a massive inferiority complex. 

In the narrative, I see Jiang FengMian as a foil to Lan QiRen and to Lan WangJi’s father. Both Lan WangJi and Wei WuXian were raised by foster parents of sorts, though Lan QiRen was LWJ’s uncle. 

The reason LWJ couldn’t be raised by his father and mother is because his father supposedly couldn’t forgive his wife for murdering his teacher (yet still slept with her enough to produce two sons soooo), leaving Lan QiRen to raise LWJ and Lan XiChen super strictly to prevent them from turning out like his brother. Lan WangJi’s father was too self-obsessed with his own concepts of guilt and righteousness and loss (for his teacher) to face the world, to unite the ideas of love and justice, and his children suffered for it. 

Jiang FengMian takes in Wei WuXian because he is the son of the woman he loved, but in doing so he, just like Lan WangJi’s father, neglects his own family to serve his own feelings of “what if.” Not that he was wrong to take Wei WuXian in--he wasn’t--but he was wrong to treat his family like an afterthought now that he has WWX, and Jiang YanLi, Jiang Cheng, and Yu ZiYuan suffered for it. 

He slightly redeems himself by going back to help Yu ZiYuan and dying with her but only slightly. In short, I think he’s a very complex character, but I am still bitter over his treatment of his family. 

[disposedserenity]

*rough* review of MOTS:7

The title might say review, but it’s really just my own thoughts that I want to share in the form of verbal vomit. STREAM while u read.

1) Interlude: SHADOW I loved the song right away on first listen. The extended version is soooo good, because it traces back to yoongi’s iconic ‘I want big house, big cars, big rings’ line from NMD. Thematically, this is my favourite concept out of the 3 rap line solos (Persona, Shadow & Ego). Yoongi songs all immediately reasonate with me because the stuff he writes about are what I’ve experienced at one point in my life.... and I feel so deeply when yoongi is rapping about it. At this point, I could go on forever about why I love yoongi songs so much but I will stop here.

2) Black Swan

It took me about three listens to fully appreciate the song, but I KNEW I was going to love it when I heard that trap beat and the bump bump bump lyric... Then I watched the performance, and I just loved it even more. For years, I’ve been fervently wishing that bts (especially jimin) would do a contemporary dance and I AM SO GLAD THEY DID!! Speaking of the dance, that’s another analysis on it’s own.... The way they match the dance steps to the lyrics.... Also this song lined up right after shadow makes perfect sense because Shadow talks about losing yourself into the deepest and darkest recesses of your soul while in Black Swan, the boys step into that shadow and confront it because they realise you have to make peace with your shadow to emerge triumphant.

3) Filter

I swear, this could be an Alec Benjamin song because this song has Alec Benjamin VIBES all over. Well, I guess jimin took inspiration from him because he put a ton of alec’s songs on his spotify playlist and even went to his concert so yey! Both their voice tones are similar ish because it’s very distinct and their singing voices are quite different from their speaking voices so it’d be really cool if they made a song together. Funnily enough, I don’t really like this song as much as I thought I’d would. It’s not a bad song, but I think I don’t gravitate to this song as much because this song was written about jimin for jimin and it’s really himself that he’s singing it to.

This song also radiates BIG libra energy. Libras love changing and moulding their personalities to please other people and they put on various personas to showcase the multi-faceted sides of themselves (sorry, just a huge astrology enthusiast here lolol). Filter has a narcissist undertone to it done in a purposeful manner. The protagonist of this song KNOWS he’s desired and is flaunting it in any way possible. They are aware of the power they hold and are wielding it to control the listener (the pursuers) Ahahaha sounds like someone we know? Recently, I told a friend that Jimin is really good at fan service. He’s the idol of idols, his face and name gets recognised first, everyone wants to be him AND be with him.... To sum it up, filter is jimin showing the world that he has many sides and it doesn’t matter which we are going to choose because he can adapt to whichever one you please (this push and pull reminds me a lot of house of cards hmm...)

4) My Time

Jungkook definitely has some magic where his song always gets to me and I immediately like the song. I think he excels in laying out his emotions bare and this creates a perfect canvas for telling his story. I definitely cannot relate to what he talks about in My TIme because I am not a jetsetting global superstar who vary between time zones (not that I know of), yet I still feel like I’ve been in his exact footsteps and know that feeling. This, my friends, is what true skill looks like. The rarest of musicians are able to write a song about themselves and make it relevant to almost everyone. It’s an impossible task. Yet, this golden maknae has succeeded once again.

In Begin, he talks about leaving Seoul to pursue his dreams and dedicates that song to his 6 members, his 6 newfound brothers, the hardships they go through and again, this hits you hard. You might not have left your hometown at a young age, but everyone has left something or someone behind in their lives. Euphoria ALWAYS makes me melancholic even though I clearly 1) am not young, 2) do not have a first love 3) minus bts, would NOT call anyone the cause of my euphoria but shit, jungkook out here got me feeling things and tearing up.

Thank you jungkook for constantly expressing your thoughts in such a clear way in any song you write, and My Time is no exception (and it sounds like such a r&b banger too)

5) Louder than Bombs

TROYE! SIVAN! You absolutely can hear troye’s fingerprints all over this song because this song sounds like a troye song (in the best way possible, because I looooove troye and his music) This is another classic “happy sounding but sad af lyrics” bangtan moment. Louder than Bombs is a good midway point in the album because they are crossing into the sad, aggressive, heart tearing, no bullshit songs territory.

(I don’t have a lot to say about this because I really love this song and sometimes with songs that I like, I just sit back and enjoy for what it is.)

6) ON

OKAY NOW LET’S GET INTO FORMATION! (yes, this was the first thing that it reminded me of hahaha and her superbowl half time performance had a marching band too) THIS.IS.SUCH.AN.ABSOLUTE.EARWORM. I LOVE IT. The 30 second preview made me so intrigued because it only featured the “hey na na na” part so I wondered what ON would sound like. I was NOT expecting it to sound like that, but what can I say? BTS always blows me away with their title tracks.

Speaking of formation, hooooo boy do I love the formation of this choreography. Mad props to The Lab for pulling this out of their hat because IT IS SO IMPRESSIVE. The set up reminds me of dionysus too, in the way that the choreography is being arranged in the live performances. Big ups to the Blue Devils marching band too, because even though you can’t really see much of them in the mv (or maybe I’m too focused on the boys lol) but you can hear the marching band so much clearer in the audio and I am LIVING for it. Overall, I am utterly thrilled by this masterpiece.

7) UGH!

*gunshots* alright back to 2013 bangtan let’s go. UGH, when will rap line stop making a banger? never I guess, UGH. lord, just let me get dissed by rap line once and then life would be better.

I. fucking. love. the. rap. line. I am definitely not smart enough to try to analyse or decipher the lyrics even with translations because their wordplay is on a whole other level. With cyphers and ddaeng, I really shouldn’t be surprised anymore but I still am. They manage to outdo themselves with every new song they release together. RM, Suga and J-Hope are great on their own but you put them TOGETHER? in one STUDIO? god help us all when this is performed live because someone’s gonna get headbanged out of the venue. I’ll end this with a silent prayer for a rap line concert.....

8) 00:00

This song is so, so, so painful. This song is what Tonight is to me. Ok I’m going to get a whole lot more personal here.

I was in a fucking terrible internship last year during the period Persona was released (I’m actually quite thankful this song wasn’t released then or I’d really have full on goblin ugly cry listening to this). That was the worst job experience I’ve ever had in my life (lao tian ye please don’t deal me any more shitty hands). I spent every day wishing that my misery would end soon and I physically did not want to go to work the next day. Every morning, I was almost crying to have to get up to go to work (and because it was an almost 2 hour journey to the office). By the time I reached home, all I could do was eat (if I had an appetite) and retire to my room and lie on the floor and just stare into my ceiling while mindlessly scrolling through social media looking for some sort of solace. Some days, even bts wasn’t doing it for me. Even though I managed to get out of that hellhole before the end date, the trauma (lol can I call it that?) and emotions stayed with me throughout the rest of the year. Only one friend knew I had depression and constantly asked me about it (thank you friend, even though you won’t read this...) and I even looked up therapists in singapore.

The lyrics ‘An unsettling night, suddenly, I look at the clock. Soon, it’s 12 O’Clock. Will something change. It probably won’t be the case’ hits so hard because this describes my situation to a T. By the time I got home, it was about 8.30 and by the time I snapped out of my mindlessness, it was almost midnight and this cycle just carried on for months. 

Zero O’Clock

And you gonna be happy

Midnight is both a happy and sad hour, because for some it could signal the end of their misery or their happiness. Back then, it was my hell because it meant a new hellish day was approaching. Looking back now, I realise it could have been a tiny form of happiness because it meant that the days are passing and the end to my pain was getting closer.

So thank you Jin, Jungkook, V and Jimin for creating such a beautiful song that I didn’t know would end up being so personal. Putting aside the meaning, it is such a great song that I’d put on repeat. But I’m scared to call this a favourite because of how intimate this is for me so I hope y’all understand. But, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

9) Inner Child

This sounds like it should be a in a drama or anime haha. The “whoa ohhhh” vocals in the backgrounds reminds me a lot of Jet Lag too. Inner Child is a very fitting title because as V described, it is a letter to his past self. As an ARMY, I’ve witnessed how much V has matured over the past few years. I mean even though all of the members have also grown, V’s transformation is the one that stands out the most (at least to me). Tae went from a bright eyed outgoing kid to a still outgoing but deeply contemplative adult in front of millions of adoring fans and strangers alike, and I cannot imagine how that must be like for him. V is a notoriously private person, and we know the least about if you reeeally think about it. I will never (nor do I want to) know what goes through his mind but I appreciate the fact he reveals a tiny glimpse of it in his songs (scenery, winter bear and now inner child).

10) Friends

CAN YOU SPELL SOULMATES? NO YOU CAN’T, BECAUSE THERE IS NO VMIN IN IT. Ships are cute and all, but vmin has trascended beyond what ships are and I’m convinced they are all part of a bigger plan arranged by the Almighty that no matter what happens, they will always find each other in their four lives (can you tell I’ve been watching Goblin lolol). Recently, I was listening to a podcast by Jae and the episode was about the probability of soulmates. One of the questions he posed was what is a soulmate? To me, I believe that soulmates exist in many forms. There are the romantic soulmates (hi glenn & benn), friendship soulmates, family soulmates, strangers soulmates and even a bond between a pet and a human. I now think there should be another category of soulmates and that is vmin. *cries I want what vmin have* Not everyone manages to find their soulmates. The lucky ones do, and the rest of us will have to settle for second best.

Also kudos to Jimin for his first ever produced song! woohoo

11) Moon

When I first read that this was a song about Jin’s love for ARMY, I braced myself for a full waterfall of tears. However, I was pleasantly surprised by how happy this song sounds??? (thanks jin for not making me cry again like tonight did). Now that I think about it, of course Jin would make a happy love song (pffft saggis). As we all know, Jin’s way of comforting himself is to comfort others through laughter, smiles and lotsa dad jokes. No one else but Jin would and I love him even more for this. He takes the idea of what you’d think a love song would sound like and turn it around. SAD? NOT IN JINHIT ENTERTAINMENT.

Jin, know that you are more than a handsome face and the oldest member. You are loved more than you think you are. You think you’re the moon to us? No hun, you are the entire galaxy contained in those worldwide shoulders.

12) Respect

My favourite track. I mean starting with that iconic “should I stay or should I go” line? Genuis. Collab of the year. Namgi of the year. Ok, maybe I am slightly (alot) bias since this song is essentially Suga, RM & El Capitixn (yes, THE El Capitixn that helped to produce DDAENG).

Namgi dynamics are so rarely talked about because most people see them as the underground rapper duo who’ve known each other over 10 years and are old friends and that’s about it. Their dynamics just gets to me even more because the trust and respect they have for each other is incredible. Joon looks up to yoongi as an older member and also for his incredible work ethic, while yoongi trusts joon wholeheartedly as their leader even though joon is younger and the way they banter off each other? ugh, where can I get bros like namgi? Their rap and producing styles are so vastly different yet the result that is respect makes ME respect them. Use me as your slave, masters.

bonus: that ending clip of them just having a convo? please share your stories from back in the day, please. I said please. with a cherry on top.

13) We are Bulletroof: the Eternal

Is this MOTS : 7′s answer to Mikrokosmos? I can already imagine this as the ending song of a concert..... A perfect tune to end the album as well. Who knew my attraction to the number seven had a deeper meaning than just simply liking it huh? Is my life preplanned too.... @ universe  give me answers. I really like how this song did not go the WABB Part 1 & 2 route and took a softer approacher indeed. It’s almost like they are saying we were seven hardened boys made more tender with the existence of armys.... ok bitch don’t make me cry anymore than I have been suppressing.

“we are not seven, with you” :’))))

14) Outro: Ego

This is the kind of song that gets better the more you listen to it. Not that it was bad on the first listen, but usually such bright and positive songs takes a while longer for the emo in me to process. I say this all the time that I almost sound like a broken recorder, but I LOVE LOVE how hobi has crafted a sound for him that is uniquely his and you will be able to immediately recognise it’s him (which is such a hard feat to pull off, might I add). I’m also immensely proud because he started out as a street dancer to becoming one of the best rappers in the industry while holding his rightful candle alongside two already established rappers that is namgi. I cannot wait to see this being performed live because you just know he’ll get everyone and their grandmas to start vibin right there.

In conclusion, I love bts. what else is there more to say.

[editedscratch]

saturday, calm before the storm, the music or the misery, disloyal order of water buffaloes, (coffee’s for closers), hold me tight or don’t......

saturday (best concert you’ve attended?): 

gahhhh that’s really hard like ok foster the people was the first band i ever saw live and it was a magical experience but also jack white in concert was so fuckin good but also sylvan esso were amazign (besides all the creepy drunk guys lol), walk the moon was such a happy time…every performance was cool in its own right but i think i have to say the gloaming just because of the sheer impact that that concert had on my life and my interests and everything. i think my personal “best concert” is scheduled for sometime in the future, maybe when sunset rubdown get back together hahahahahhaahaahhahahaha so never

calm before the storm (do you like pete’s screaming?):

listen pete…………………………you’re an indispensable band member and i honestly adore you but the gay screaming is like nails on a chalkboard to me

the music or the misery (favourite fall out boy bonus track?):

does “…cocaine…” count as a bonus track because if so that one. g.i.n.a.s.f.s is also soooo good but cocaine comes first.

disloyal order of water buffaloes (which is your favourite fall out boy lyric?):

here are some i really like:

“we’ll make them so jealous, we’ll make them hate us”

“i wonder if your therapist knows everything about me”

“best friends, ex-friends till the end”

“i can’t commit to a thing, be it heart or hospital”

“i will never believe in anything again”

“i’m not a cry baby; i’m the cry baby”

“i want to scream ‘i love you’ from the top of my lungs, but i’m afraid that someone else will hear me”

“you only hold me up like this ‘cause you don’t know who i really am”

“i’ve already given up on myself twice (third time is the charm, third time is the charm). threw caution to the wind, but i’ve got a lousy arm.”

“hey, editor, i’m undeniable! hey, doctor, i’m certifiable!”

“what a match; i’m half doomed and you’re semi-sweet”

“perfect boys with their perfect lives - nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy”

(coffee’s for closers) (what’s your biggest belief?):

still figuring that out i guess

hold me tight or don’t (how do you think their next album will sound?):

probably something like super fade???? honestly i just hope they do something because they want to do it without caring about what the fans think because the music that comes out of that mindset is generally pretty good. however my guess is they’ll probably try to appeal to something; i don’t know, i just reallllly hope they don’t make another harmonically boring album like ab/ap. seems like they’re experimenting with new sounds and styles which is cool, but i still wish they’d do cool things with chords as well like they used to. i liked mania for the most part: i really liked young and menace, i kinda liked super fade, etc etc, so i’m not resistant to the new sound or anything. i just want something that takes risks.

thank you ricky i am love with you as you know

[incessantwhine]

ohhh me a month ago is such a liar. don’t know what kind of confidence bout I was on but literally none of those insecurities went away. WRONG Lola is right here u fuckin brussel sprout

literally criiieeeddd (real tears!! LMFAO) on my bday because they accidentally sent me something meant for a friend abt a girl theyre crushing on or w/e. long story short shes a hot porn star (obv) who’s my age and 10000x prettier and everything im…not. huge yiddies. nice ass. tats out the wazoo. and ofc a pretty face (if ur into European beauty standards). you know. everything that decrepit wretched disordered part of me would still kill someone to look like. if i was a guy or if she was it would be different I guess but it feels like im so close yet so far.

like, i get it. im a client and it would b weird for lots of reasons to be attracted to me. the things that are said and done are j to get me to continue to spend money cause like…get ur bag, all those cap placements make u a great business person. not much concern for me on a personal level so much as it is means to an end. it’s just acting. playing a part or w/e. ik that. i went into this situation knowing that. I understand i get pretty carefully selected bits and bobs of info abt ur life in order to make me feel like ik u “closely” or im somehow more special because that’s just more reason for an emotional and financial investment. im not fkn stupid. that’s like the whole point. i dont feel icky about that because im aware im being played and engage anyway. that’s my choice. “if ur gonna be stupid u better be tough”

but like. to have the point viciously hammered home for no reason?? on my bday?? fkn OUCH, dude. it’s not even that I’m THAT insecure. im funny. i give good gifts. im smart-ish and im enthusiastic about learning new stuff and growing. i have my finances in order and I compensate for their work pretty nicely i think. im loyal af. i care a lot but i also am really respectful and mindful of boundaries. idk. I have stuff about me that makes me rly proud. just…my appearance isn’t one of them. it’s one of the only things I do feel rly inadequate in. I don’t photograph well. and I can’t change it beyond losing weight and makeup rly. which can only do so much. that’s what hurts, that i just am doomed to be a little ugly for the rest of my life. so ofc that’s what it had to be about, right??

just so very tired of this. it’s 1 step forward 2 steps back w/ self esteem, always. im frustrated it’s still so fragile when I feel like I should be beyond this. makes me rly bitter. and resentful.

and ik im overreacting too. ik this is not a normal way to feel and that’s equally as frustrating. this has nothing to do with me, literally. it wasn’t even my business nor should it be. im upset rn bc…what, I accidentally found out im not their type? LMFAO could it get any more pathetic than that? i already knew that. 2+2=4. doesn’t take a fkn genius. so my feelings are hurt bc…im confronted with physical evidence of a reality I was already aware of??? how does THAT make sense???

maybe I should just quit while im ahead. it was fun while it lasted, yadda yadda yadda. make up some bs. but if I do that it’ll be super obvious why (not that they’re thinking about me that deeply) and then just feels also like admitting defeat. like I got into something and then ran away cause my feelings got a little hurt. it’s cowardly behavior to back out now. but idk. im so sick of making people so important and such a priority in my head knowing full well that it won’t or can’t be mutual and doing it anyway. i put myself forth as this laid back chill girl who doesn’t ask for much and causes no drama and is super flexible and soooo unbothered by everythinf and im…not that way at my core I don’t think. it’s like I make my own misery. and for what? cause it gets me horny in the right context? is that worth it??

idk. once again feeling betrayed by New York and myself. never should have gone and been invested in this person. I knew it was a bad choice in my gut; in the long run. was just ignoring it. was just thinking with my dick.

cant even talk abt any of this w/ them because it’s not their job. they’re not my fkn therapist and my feelings are not their problem, period. it would be goofy behavior to make it so. add that to the list of things im resentful about too while im being a bitter hag anyway.

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam France 2.5 reaction

I got really heated about that auction, apologies

Episode 5

Clip 1 - Giving away Manon’s clothes

Ohhh my God. Even though this is one of the crappier things Eskild/Mickael does in the series, he is hilarious here. This actor is killing it. 

“What did you say?” “That you look great sweetie.” A+ timing and delivery.

He’s even more dickish and terrible than Eskild was in this situation, but not gonna lie, I’m enjoying every second of his screen time

So Manon is organizing the collection herself? I feel like that provides a somewhat different context. Noora was very much motivated by Eskild’s words to her to start caring about refugees, not that she didn’t care about them at all but she felt guilty about not doing enough. Noora also had some ignorant spots, she thought Lito must be a Syrian refugee when he’s the son of a Turkish ambassador. Of course Eskild was in the wrong in the way he went about taking her clothes, especially since it was motivated by getting laid, but Noora had her own hypocrisy. Manon seems quite genuine about helping the migrants.

Clip 2 - Fuckweasel auction imminent

 It would be nice if we had heard about Manon’s involvement with the clothes drive earlier, but that’s good of her and that’s a very different take because I think Noora wasn’t as proactive.

The amount of sympathy I have for a bunch of spoiled dudes trashing a hotel room and having to pay for it … zero.

Wait, so not only are they having a fundraiser to cover for their destruction, they’ve put it on the same night as an already scheduled event for migrants? Man, fuck them. How did they manage to be worse than the original?

I mean depending on the school, it’s common for multiple events to happen at that same time, that’s not unusual. But lol, some dudes holding a fundraiser to cover for their terrible behavior at the same time other people have arranged a fundraiser for people in genuine need … not a good look.

The Norwegian version of this scene was way more personal, which makes sense since it was a bedroom scene and it was less hurried.

Clip 3 - Manon is mad

I don’t have much to say about this scene except Manon is completely justified in being pissed. The guy who professes to have feelings for her and wants a relationship with her scheduled a fundraiser to cover his and his friends’ property damage on the same night she is working an event for people in need. Like I guess he could just not know about the other fundraiser, but he’s doing something that’s going to actively take away from her charity event. 

The saving grace is that Charles doesn’t try to justify this and he looks somewhat humbled/upset by her telling him off.

Clip 4 - Daphne please get a grip

“We were talking about what happened with Charles and his crew and it’s really horrible what happened” yeah it’s really horrible that some teenage assholes destroyed a hotel room. Daphne is talking about it like a rival team paid to have their kneecaps broken and now they can’t play basketball anymore.

Call me humorless but Manon is completely right and even more justified in being angry than Noora was, like Vilde was suggesting they give up some of their bus money - unfair and it was their own earned funds, but at least it was going to something that’s fun/frivolous, not a necessity. Why the fuck would you give time you meant for a charity event to some shitheads who wrecked property?!?!?!

I mean it’s not even like “their bus broke down and they can’t get to games and they’re having a fundraiser to buy a new one” or “there was a fire in the gym and now they can’t practice so they’re raising money to rent a new space.” Buying new uniforms or equipment for their team or something. They CAUSED their own problem.

“Since it’s so important to you I’ll give 10% of the night’s benefits to migrants.”

Hey, you know what would be a really impressive thing for Charles to do? Call off the fundraiser to cover the asses of his crew and direct everyone’s attention to the clothing distribution event for migrants. That would be a humble, selfless action where he actually makes a sacrifice.

Does that sound too extreme? Am I being too hard on him? Maybe, but why is Charles/William consistently doing the minimum decent thing, often for self-serving reasons, and yet we’re supposed to buy into his character development and think he’s a great guy?  

What if Charles got his guys to give everything to the migrants regardless of whether Manon attended? What if Charles went to help Manon out instead of going to his own fundraiser? Doesn’t that seem like an obvious storytelling decision in terms of showing us he’s a good guy? Wouldn’t that be something Manon could respect and we could see why she starts to like him as a person and had to reconsider her opinion of him?

This is just such a deeply strange storyline to me! Charles and his friends act like assholes. They try to raise money to recoup the losses from when they were assholes inconveniencing other people. There is another event for a much better cause, for people genuinely in need. Charles offers a smallish percentage of the profits from his fundraiser to the people in need, but only if the girl he likes comes to the event. How … in the world … why am I supposed to like this character?

This is annoying me even more than the original, maybe because the Penetrators were not directly competing against a charity event. 

Imane has a nice line about showing solidarity to human beings, not a religion (because not all the migrants are Muslim).

Clip 5 - Help the spoiled brats and some other people, IDK

Wow they really underplayed this Emma/Yann storyline. I’m not sure they built up to Emma’s drunken meltdown enough.

Daphne is so embarrassing about Charles, please put this one-sided relationship out of its misery.

Soooo is Lucas already flirting with guys, kind of?  At least they got in a nice shocked moment for Lucas when Emma says he likes boys.

Drunk Emma interrupts Alex talking to a guy … poor form, Emma, poor form.

I did laugh at how Daphne being like “I’ve known you for a while and we have this special relationship” meant boy Alex started to close in. Yeah, that’s more or less what I expect of him.

Emma telling boy Alex “I like you, you’re my friend, but Daphne, I love you so much” - when will one of these goddamn adaptations take this further than some drunken makeouts?? When?? I don’t even ship them as much as the Noora/Eva combination but this is ridiculous.

This is a not as bad as a situation than the date, because she had less pressure to come to this party than to go on the date for Daphne’s sake, but like … he did tell her he’d only donate the money if she came. Why does he act like it was a given that he would donate the money.

Daphne looks less into kissing Emma than Vilde did kissing Eva. Vilde was having the time of her life, Daphne’s like ... tolerating it. Or maybe I can’t tell because the lighting isn’t as bright.

They did the same tune-out music effect when Manon tells Charles she doesn’t like him as in the original.

Kinda think we should have seen Manon reconsider more before running after him since it’s a big turning point for her character.

I wasn’t totally impressed with her last season, but Manon’s actress has been doing much better. She did a good job in the last scene.

“The only thing that interests you is getting what you want.” I mean, yeah, that’s true.

I saw some people didn’t like this scene compared to the original, but I think their first kiss was pretty good, I liked it just as much. Lots of passion, very cinematic. Since I’m not a big Noorhelm fan their first kiss isn’t sacred to me or anything, but I also think it’s because of Coldplay being the song selection. (I don’t hate Coldplay, tbh, but my dad has very very limited taste in music and for a long time literally the only thing he would listen to was Coldplay. For months, he would listen to Viva la Vida in the car. Just that song. On repeat. Like the middle-aged man version of John Mulaney’s Salt and Pepper Diner bit. So I have, ehhh, complicated feelings about Coldplay, and “Paradise” is one of my least favorite songs from them.)

I was super afraid Emma would fall in the water as she puked but at least Daphne kept a hand on her even after she saw Manon and Charles kissing.

General Comments:

Sorry that 90% of this reaction was me being grumpy about the Raptors’ auction. That was the main focus of this episode, not a lot else to talk about. The next few episodes have more subplots and varied scenes to discuss.

I’m a Daphne fan but damn did I hit my limit with her Charles obsession in this episode, even more than with Vilde. 

I don’t speak French so if I misunderstood something or missed context, feel free to correct me.

If you got through all this cranky ranting, thank you for reading! ❤️ Here’s a video of a golden conure dancing to the Beach Boys.

[writefasttalkevenfaster]

Rafael Barba / Inside Your Head

Imagine Rafael comforting you when studying for a major exam (The LSAT) 

Doesn’t write for a few days, comes back with a self-indulgent fic. Well, you can tell what’s been on my mind lately with this fic, haha. I’ve been super stressed lately, and this is just want I needed to write. The LSAT is ever looming and I’m ever freaking out, soooo hopefully this fic helps anyone else worried about their exams. Even if not...Rafael is cute when he’s drunk.

“Is the answer…” You chewed your lip as your tutor stared at you expectantly, his arms crossed and eyebrows raised, only emphasizing his look of if you don’t get this right, I’ll have to murder you. “A?” You watched him heave a sigh, and shake his head, both disappointment and irritation both vying for top emotion. Irritation was the clear winner as he shut the book with a clap, and got to his feet. “Raf, where are you going?” 

“I need a drink,” You frowned at his retreating back, as he headed toward the kitchen. 

“You know I don’t keep alcohol in the apartment,” Your roommate was underage and you didn’t need a repeat of her underage drinking act that concluded with her vomiting the entire night. He held up one finger as he opened your closet, and pulled out your one of your boots. “What are you-” He pulled out a bottle of scotch from the shoe, and you gaped at him. “Where did that-” 

“I hid it here last time I promised to help you study,” He brushed off the slight collection of dust on the label, popping open the bottle and taking a slight sniff. He seemed satisfied as he grabbed a glass from the kitchen counter and poured the golden brown liquid into a glass. “God knows I need it right now,” 

“I’m not that bad!” You exclaimed, your point severely undercut by the graded exam you had on your lap. A 155 was circled in red and underlined. His eyes went from the test to your face, as you sighed, shoulders slumped over in misery. “Okay, I am that bad. Ugh, I’m never going to pass this test,” 

“Don’t be so melodramatic,” As he plopped down on the couch, his knee brushing against your shoulder, as you pulled your knees to your chest, placing your chin between them, pouting. “Or apply to Julliard, what do I know?” 

“Don’t be cute,” He shrugged, exaggeratedly running his hand through his hair. 

“I’m afraid that’s impossible,” You rolled your eyes, as you grabbed the Logic Games practice book again, flipping through the pages, until you sighed, placing your head on the book in complete and utter despair. “Osmosis is always a viable option,” 

“You’re not helping,” You growled, hands now tangled in your hair as you stared down at the book that was causing your complete desperation. Logic Games. “I’m never going to be able to complete one of these damn games under the time limit.” Less than nine minutes to diagram, infer, and complete several questions that only grew more difficult? 

“Then maybe you should just give up,” Rafael said, downing his entire glass and placing the glass down on the table. 

You scowled at the book and then to him, “If this is your idea of reverse psychology, you’re not very good at it,” 

“Are you going to give up?” 

“No,” You wanted to be a lawyer since you were five years old. Impossible or not, you would pass the LSAT with flying colors, you would go to Harvard Law, and you would quote Elle Woods at your graduation. 

“Then, I’d say I’m very exceptional at it,” You shook your head, as you snatched the bottle of scotch from him. “You shouldn’t drink, you have to study,” His hands reaching for the bottle, as you leaned away, even so, his head ended up buried in your hair. “You smell like coconut,” He murmured, his voice sending shivers down your spine. Glancing at him with a frown, you scooted away. 

“So, this drunk from one glass? I think I should take you home, mister,” You rose from your seat on the floor. 

“Y/N,” You turned to see his face had grown serious, “I know you can pass this exam, but you need to put in the work instead of getting discouraged so easily. You’re intelligent, you will get it. It takes time. Just don’t get into your own head.” 

You crossed your arms, looking down as his gaze made your eyes water, but you shifted your gaze when it was safe, smiling. “Thank you, Rafael,” You went along to get changed so you could take him home (you couldn’t very well go in shorts and a sleeveless T). Emerging from your room, you pulled on your shoes on, turning around to only find Rafael asleep on your couch. 

You opened your mouth to wake him, but stopped midway, as you saw him curled up, softly snoring as he slept. You sighed, you couldn’t find it in your heart to wake him. No matter how much you wanted to get revenge for his savage and relentless pace when it came to studying. You grabbed a blanket from the closet, a small smile on your lips as you placed the scotch back in the boot. He only wanted you to pass. You placed the blanket over him softly, and his mouth twitched. You stretched, yawning as you looked at the clock. 1 AM? Shit, you had an 8 AM tomorrow. You turned to return to your bedroom, when you heard Rafael mumbling. 

“Y/N…” You whirled around and saw him, still fast asleep, his mouth curled into a smile as he sighed in his sleep. You felt your cheeks burn, as you rushed off to bed, shutting the light off and closing the door behind you. His words echoed, Don’t get inside your own head. 

That was just fine and dandy advice, but the only problem was now, he was inside your head. 

...And perhaps, your heart as well.

[fireofmyloins19]

Wedding Bells

SO, this was the first ever request I wrote for my babe @peakyblinders1919 obviously a cheeky bit of Michael. The prompts were, -You are too drunk to be speaking right now -Shh!! you’re going to wake the whole city -Stop laughing it’s not that funny

Wedding Bells - Michael Gray

“YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME, GET OFF, I’M A FUCKING SHELBY YOU KNOW, DO YOU NEED ME TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?”

Your high pitched drunken cries were ringing out from the shadows of the Garrison. Curious and irritated neighbours lent out of their windows, some held out candles in the dark with a false hope that they would shine a light on the commotion below. Michael ignored these frustrated onlookers as he stormed through the fallen snow towards the Garrison, entering empty handed and immediately exiting with you sprawled over his shoulder, your drunken cries continuing in the street.

“Let me go!” You wailed as your weak scrunched up fists pounded repeatedly onto his back. You were part way down the street now, a few more minutes to the house but enough steps away from the Garrison that he knew you wouldn’t be bothered to return. He reluctantly placed you on the ground in front of him, greeting you with a long, disappointed stare. You knew his desired effect was to show you his anger, in turn hopefully making you understand what you had done wrong. But all you could think about as you stood there innocently looking up at him were his eyes, oh god those mesmerising eyes. His jaw clenched and both eyebrows raised as though he was waiting for what you had to say.

“It was a celebration for my own wedding announcement and I can’t even be there?!” You whined, stomping your foot as it seemed the most logical way to show you were angry whilst drunk. “And it was nice of you to show your face for all of five minutes”

“Our wedding.” He corrected you bluntly, “and I’m pretty sure the celebration finished a good hour ago which is when I left and you refused to come with me” he stated, correcting your drunken recollection of the situation that had actually happened an hour previously. “And I don’t understand why, seen as though there were only two people that I’m acquainted with left in there, one being you and the other being the bar man, yet you still managed to cause a scene. I swear you could have an argument in an empty room, you could.”

As he had trailed off complaining about your actions without giving you a chance to speak, he had began walking quite swiftly and you were struggling to keep up as you stumbled over your own dysfunctional feet behind him. The combination of whisky and the fallen snow was definitely not aiding you in your attempt to catch up.

“Did you hear yourself? Shouting your mouth off in front of the whole pub, no sorry, the whole street” he corrected himself "cause there’s no chance they didn’t hear it.”

He pointed towards two of the few people left dangling out of their window with intimidating grimacing faces. “Shouting that you’re a bloody Shelby when you’re quite clearly not.”

“I AM TOO” you shouted at him defensively.

“No, you’re a Gray. Well no you’re not even that yet, you’re Y/N” he sighed.

There was a moment of almost silence, the only thing to be heard were your feet crunching against the blanket of snow in unison. He began to fall back slightly, realising how fast he been walking and you could soon feel his presence beside you, but you refused to look up. There was no way you were going to be the one to apologise first. You pouted your lips whilst looking at the floor, kicking the snow between your feet as you walked like a sulking child. You could feel his eyes fixated on your face now and you hoped he was feeling very guilty.

“Do I need to spell it out for you?” he teased, mimicking your drunken cries in the Garrison in a high pitched strong Brummy accent which he constantly laughed at when you were drunk, saying you sounded like his mother on the Rum.

And just like that, there was no need for either of you to apologise because like always the argument stopped just as soon as it had started. You let out a girlish squeal, hitting him on the arm as he attempted to hold you back whilst in a fit of laughter. You let yourself fall into his side and rested your head against his shoulder, immediately feeling his firm grip around your waist.

You stayed like this for a while, strolling steadily down the usually bustling street full of drunks and beggars, admiring its newly found beauty. And just for a moment, that forgotten street buried in the lonely Small Heath was spared of its pain and misery, everything still. No clouds of smoke, no clanging of metal and an abundance of sparks, no widows crying and no children full of all their purity and innocence, still insisting to ask when their father is coming home. And just for that moment, the secrets and regrets of the broken people could be heard whispering through the light winds. Accompanied by the odd little hiccup leaving your lips.

“Hydrangeas or Lilies?” You slurred stumbling on your words.

“What?”

“Hydrangeas or Lilies?” you repeated in a tone almost suggesting you were annoyed at his inability to understand your question as it had sounded perfect to you.

“You are too drunk to be speaking right now” Michael furrowed his brow, turning to meet your weary, glazed eyes, “let alone trying to plan our wedding.”

You let out a big huff hanging your head towards the ground at his refusal to humour you. He knew he had sounded cruel and thinking about it, realised it wouldn’t hurt to simply give you an answer if it was going to leave you satisfied. After all, he did have a preference.

“Lilies.”

You responded with an excitable smile spread across your face.

“And no alcohol at the after party.”

And with that your smile was gone.

“Oh yeah cause that would go down a treat with your cousins” you scoffed.

“Okay well none for you”

“Why is it that you’re allowed to come home at god knows what hour, falling around the house stinking to high heaven of whisky and cigarettes at least once a week, sometimes more. Usually accompanied by a drunken John who has followed you home swearing so much you can’t tell whether he’s speaking English or fucking Romani. Yet I get this lecture for having one little drink”

“Well, when I go out to drink I don’t end up screaming in the pub.”

“No, you just set it on fire instead.”

He began to shake his head with a smile on his face, as though he should have been laughing but nothing was coming out. He decided it was best to ignore your point as it was partly true and he wasn’t willing to start another argument with your drunken snappy self.

“No drinking” He demanded, pointing a finger out to you, signalling his warning.

“I don’tttt think soooo” you sang throwing your arms out to your sides and beginning to twirl around in circles, slipping off the curb as you went dancing off into the empty street.

“I’M MARRYING MICHAEL GRAY, I’M GETTING MARRIED” you sang over and over whilst spinning in the streets your giggles echoing off the houses that towered either side of you.

“Shh!! You’re going to wake up the whole city!” Michael attempted to stop you but couldn’t help laughing himself, watching you dancing around care free in the street, the golden tassels on your dress creating a halo around you as you spun.

You suddenly felt a firm grip on your side and you came to an abrupt stop, but your laughter didn’t stop. Once you had steadied yourself you could just about make out the face of your fiancé beaming down at you and then his cold but pleasantly soft lips pressed against yours which you greeted with great joy, after all that had touched your lips that night was hard liquor and cigarettes. He could taste the whisky on your tongue as they intertwined, sending ripples of joy through your body and making you melt in his arms. He pulled back slightly placed his thumb and fore finger under your chin.

“Kissing has always been the only way to shut you up.”

You pouted but did not complain as you stood on your tiptoes, hopeful for more.

Moments later you reached the worn out door of your house; painted blue. The remnants of a hopeful person who had tried to make his house a home in this hopeless street.

“Well then, carry me over the threshold husband to be!” You declared holding your arms out to the side indicating for him to take control of you.

He crouched and reached behind your legs pulling your feet from the floor and then pulling you into him so you were cradled in his arms. You nestled your head into his neck, closing your eyes, content in the moment. But you soon felt yourself lowering towards the ground again. You abruptly opened your eyes feeling too unsteady to relax. You looked up to see Michael’s scrunched up face and realised what was happening.

“Michael that’s not funny!” You shouted as he teased that he couldn’t lift you. You hit him as hard as you could on his arm but it didn’t phase him as he burst into laughter, standing back up straight and pulling you into a secure embrace. You wriggled free from his arms setting yourself back on your feet with your arms folded looking away from him until his laughter had died down, yet it only continued.

“Stop laughing It’s not that funny!” You snapped now getting impatient.

“It’s very funny”

You rolled your eyes and stared at the door, making it clear you were waiting for him to let you go inside. He fumbled around with the his huge bundle of keys, you constantly moaned at him for leaving your house key amongst the mass of keys for the Shelby offices.

“So now not only am I an extremely loud and trouble making bride to be, I’m also a really heavy one, great.”

He finally found the one key you needed and placed it in the door. He wiggled it up and down as he tried to turn it in the keyhole, pressing the weight of his shoulder onto the frame. The process of simply opening the front door to a house as dismal as ours.

“You my darling, are far from heavy” he reassured you, leaving a heartfelt smile on your lips when he finally unlocked the door.

“However I can’t deny the former”

“MICHAEL!” You shrieked and once again went to hit his arm however this time you were quickly scooped off your feet before you had chance to make contact. You both fell into a dreamy laughter and he pulled you into his chest, finishing what he had originally started.

“HOME SWEET HOME MRS GRAY” he shouted extravagantly kicking the door open for your dramatic entrance.

Finally you were whisked over the threshold by your husband to be and whisked straight upstairs, where you found yourself apologising to a god you didn’t believe in, for consummating your marriage before it had even begun.