#I am the ONLY ONE who is not down bad for LOTR in my social circles lol...

[creepyscritches]

It's very funny the more LOTR type shit I have in my immediate circle bc like. Truly. I don't care for the series. I'm slated for an extended edition, strap-me-to-the-couch, GRONDGRONDGRONDGROND-type re-watch w my friends and I honestly hope I like it this time lmao....i haven't seen LOTR in like? 14 years?? Idk I like gimli I think? Man that'd be a good name for a guinea pig. We almost named Pippin Smeagol/Gollum but you gotta earn that name. Her full title is Pippin the Peepin Peepee Baby. Her signature move is filling your palm with a small puddle of pee. Did it within 3 seconds of the vet googoogagaing at her. Maybe she should be smeagol. Anyway my LOTR knowledge is peripheral and purely for comedy - - look at my little girlies hairy hobbit feet. Look at Frodo's bright pink toes.

[stoopid-turtle]

made-up thoughts about dd's gender presentation

Okay, the gender post! Honestly, dd's gender presentation is something I think about a lot (ok, I just think about everything dd-related a lot), so here's a post about it. A couple disclaimers on the way down though.

Gender is weird

Um, so gender is complicated and deep. I'm not gonna delve into that too much. Just know I'm not saying much about dd's gender identity, because that's too speculative for me and I don't tend to analyze how people might feel their gender inside.

So this is all about gender expression or performance. The way he presents himself to the world. This includes stuff like clothing, ways of talking, makeup, mannerisms, etc. Anything we can see when we watch him.

For those more into the advanced gender convo, yes yes, gender is a social construct and there's nothing inherent about, say, a tuxedo that makes it a "man's" outfit. Fully onboard with that. But for simplicity's sake, let's shortcut to acting as if we buy into how society genders random stuff so as to recognize that a tux is "male-coded" by just about every society in the present day. Everybody swims in these waters, and they perform their gender with the understanding of how their society assigns these arbitrary gender assignments, so let's just deal with that for this convo. /obligatory gender theorist disclaimer

East vs West

I'm in the US, and I fully recognize that there are different norms for gender in Eastern cultures. A lot of the things that read as "feminine" to Western eyes is more neutral in the East, such as long hair or makeup. (I've read a fantastic tumblr post that went into this in-depth but, alas, I can't find it now. You will notice throughout this post that I am extraordinarily bad at refinding things)

On top of that, idols, in specific, often have quite feminine stylings to Western standards. In the East, the vibe I get is that idols are seen as more androgynous (though still threatening to some forms of masculinity).

I can only speak from my own very westernized perspective, so take it with as much salt as you want. I reserve the right to change my mind about everything later, anyway.

Basically, I have 3 main points here, starting with:

1. DD's early styling was more femme than he would ordinarily gravitate to

There's a moment I think about a lot. This one, specifically, set a month and a half after UNIQ's debut. The band is on a Chinese talk show and the host enthuses about them.

(also, baby DD rapping Love the Way You Lie is just....well, it's a thing that happened) (some US context: Love The Way You Lie was an Issue Song pointedly about domestic violence with Rihanna - an artist who had been a victim of a highly publicized dv assault - as the chorus singer and Eminem - a rapper with a history of misogynist lyrics (with a song about murdering his ex-gf) - doing the rap. It had a weirdly sexy music video with that lotr guy and was also a thing that happened)

DD is 17 years old here--a baby--and he's, frankly, adorable. He notes that he's been training for 4 years (I'm so curious about what idol training looks like, tbh), which wows the host.

But the part that I think about a lot is when the host expounds at length about how beautiful and like a girl dd is. DD has a girl's hairstyle (i've had that exact hairstyle at multiple points in my life), and the host says at various points that he's "more beautiful than girls", that girls will envy him, that he is very very pretty, that if she were a man, she would fall in love with him. The basic upshot here is that much is made of his feminine looks, and I get the vibe that his styling is more femme than typical, even for an idol.

At the same time, I think about this moment of dd in a dance competition in 2011, before his debut. DD's main passion has always been dancing, and he went into hiphop dancing, as shown here. He also attempted breakdancing while younger, though an early injury apparently kept him from going that route (I swear I've heard this somewhere, but can't find where. Link me if you know).

DD was interested in the more macho-types of street dances. Hiphop isn't as dominated by men as breaking is, but it's still has more of a masculine culture than jazz or, you know, waacking.

I think a lot about a kid who wanted to spend his life dancing, who went through idol training to debut as the femme maknae of a group. It was a weird fit for him, and I think his movement away from that initial look reflects that.

At the same time, I want to go back to something I find significant about his talk show appearance.

When asked who is most popular among girls, everybody (dd included) points to dd. (A bandmate also jokes that dd is most popular among men). A 17-year-old kid who just debuted a little over a month ago with a femme style is already getting fawned over by fans and older female hosts. However weird it could be, it's gotta be a huge ego-boost at a formative time to get the positive feedback to that look.

I think (and putting on my speculation hat here) that this is important for dd's performance of gender as he gets older.

Which brings me to the next main point:

2. DD enjoyed his more feminine idol look bc he knew it made him attractive

I suspect dd came to some acceptance of the more femme styling (once he moved away from the white peony look) primarily because it got him so much fawning.

I imagine idol training goes into how to create a public persona for oneself, especially given how much idols are supposed to reveal of themselves. Letting fans feel that they're getting an intimate look at the real person, while still maintaining the privacy of their actual personal life, is a skill, and I expect it's second-nature to dd at this point given how long he's been in the industry.

This isn't to say that dd's fake or that the dd we see publicly isn't "really" him. But it is a carefully presented version of him that intentionally keeps his private life private.

There's really 2 periods where we probably see the most authentic, unfiltered dd: the early UNIQ days, when he was still getting the hang of the ent industry (though that's complicated in that he was also young and under pressure to perform a certain way and had not developed the skills/experience/cache to set limits, hence him doing a lot more cutesy stuff that he refuses to do as he gets older); and the bts footage for CQL, as he did not expect those to be so widely seen. Even the unscripted stuff like DDU and SDC allows for some intentional presentation of himself in a way the more candid bts moments did not.

That's a bit of a digression, actually, but it's important because I think this public persona, especially the idol persona, is more femme than dd would normally style himself (as in, how he would style himself if he weren't an entertainer). The result of this is that we see some contexts, such as the CQL fanmeetings where dd wears women's outfits, where that idol style is intentionally deployed. Part of the point of fanmeetings is fanservice, and dd's feminine presentation, linked as it is to his idol image, is wholly about pleasing the fans.

There's reason to believe that dd was never too much into those stylings because he intrinsically enjoyed them. He's said multiple times in interviews that he prefers going without makeup. This isn't too telling because, hey, makeup can be uncomfortable to wear. Especially stage makeup.

But there's an interesting compilation of interview clips where dd reveals his complete lack of even any interest in makeup, referring curious interviewers to talk to his makeup artist and explicitly associating makeup with women (I have looked everywhere for this. I swear I saw this compilation on YouTube but now I can't find it. This is unfortunate bc this particular video really made me think about dd's gender presentation). And of course, his attempt to do someone else's makeup was...adorable. This is not a guy who wears makeup for the joy of it. He wears it because it's part of his job.

This isn't to say that dd looks down on it. Not at all. We only have to look at his defensiveness of the idol look to gg during the bts to see this. I don't think he's at all bothered by makeup. He just accepts it as part of his career.

(I have a completely made-up story in my head about how gg's preference for no-makeup dd was a major romantic thing bc it's gg liking the real dd, not the idol persona that everybody else fawns over. And how, once dd realized that gg was paying him a compliment, it gave him big feels. This story is definitely not real)

This all is gonna lead me to my last main point:

3. DD's probably okay taking on a more masculine style now bc it fits more how he would naturally dress himself

Like millions of other people, I really dig the idol look. When I was doing my initial dive into turtledom and read about some of the Chinese censorship of idols in recent years, I was initially put out because...idol!dd!

(Ok, as a queer person, I also have big solidarity feels and stuff, but that's a whole digression)

But then I began obsessively watching browsing dd stuff on YouTube and I came around to thinking that while I love and miss idol!dd, I don't know that dd is too shook up over it.

In my view, dd sees that type of styling as a role to put on for certain performances. Now that it's out of style, so to say, he switches to something else. It goes along with some other career transitions he's making, such as focusing more on film. I think this may just let him go with a more "natural" styling (basically, how he would style himself if he weren't a celebrity).

(I do think he likes dyeing his hair fashion colors, but that's not necessarily gendered. He's had plenty of dyed hair looks that are still masc)

When I think of things like that...well, I still personally miss idol!dd because that look really works for me. But I'm not bothered on his behalf because I don't know that he feels particularly constrained by the idol crackdown (at least with regards to no longer being able to present with an idol style; there are other aspects of the politics that may feel constraining, but that's a whole other digression). If anything, it provides a good reason for him to move away from idol-dom in his career (which he'd have to do at some point as he ages).

To wrap this up, I've felt horrendously guilty that the first photo on this tumblr wasn't even of dd or gg, so i'm gonna end this with a photo of idol!dd. I'm not gonna say it's my favorite look, because it's just cruel to make me pick a single favorite. But this is one I think is pretty.

[tolkien-feels]

Okay so I've been thinking about Tolkien... and I'm not 100% sure how to express my Thoughts but I wanted to dump them on you because I feel like even if I communicate it awkwardly you might understand what I'm trying to say and help refine what I'm saying.

So there are various criticisms of Tolkien wrt his ratio of male to female characters and how he's just not progressive enough, but I feel like a lot of people who use this to insult Tolkien and claim that he was a Bad Person and thus nothing he did was good (or if it was good, it was only accidentally so) don't even realize the much-more-relevant-to-his-era statement he was making about class!

LOTR is the best example of this, because literally all of the Company is royalty or akin to royalty or high class except for Sam. And while each one of them plays an important role in the story, the inarguably Highest Class character (Aragorn) in the most important part of the story is nothing but a distraction, and it's the inarguably Lowest Class character (Sam) who emerges as the most important part of the puzzle, the Real Hero. They are all heroes - Frodo is no less of a hero because he fails in his task, Boromir is no less of a hero because he temporarily falls under the thralldom of the ring, Aragorn is no less of a hero just because in the end he's not much more than a distraction so the Real Heroes can do their thing - but it's Sam, the lowest class one of them all, who is THE hero of the story. And while there are important discussions to be had and to tell in various stories that do include race and gender, I feel like it's disingenuous to ignore the important discussion Tolkien was having about class when talking about important discussions to be had.

And frankly, class is extremely important, and the fact that it's often overlooked in these conversations is very frustrating. To give the most extreme example of this: A black, female, lgbtq, Hollywood celebrity is going to be much less disadvantaged in life than a straight white man who lives on the streets and depends on free food pantries, soup kitchens, and charity to survive. And to say that the straight white man is privileged compared to her is stripping all of the complexity related to class out of that comparison. So I think that Tolkien's statements about class are extremely important conversation points, but which... largely get ignored just because that is the conversation that he was having (which I feel is much more relevant to his era) than conversations that people insist we should be having about him/his work.

And idk... maybe I'm just tired of people calling Tolkien a bad person when he clearly wasn't. He was at worst a product of his times, and even then while he didn't write a ton of stories about women it's clear that he respected women through the stories he told about them. And his infamous replies when Germany asked if he was Aryan proves something similar to his opinions on racism and antisemitism. And since he intentionally was writing a legendarium for his own country, to say that he was racist for essentially saying "the poc are the ones who live far away from where the main story is taking place" and thus were far away from the elves and the gods and things that were Good and so unfortunately were easily manipulated down a dark path by Evil is... well, it's disingenuous. Especially when you consider the important conversation topic he was addressing and was trying to talk about.

I do get what you mean! And I have so many thoughts on this, but I don’t want to share them lol

You see, there is a lot to be said about Tolkien’s social views - both in praise and in condemnation. But critical literary analysis of 20th century literature is an actual academic field, and there’s a reason for that. You need a lot of knowledge and a lot of hard work to be able to accurately, fairly assess a single work - let alone an author’s entire corpus. I, a random person on the internet without that background, am simply not qualified to make that kind of analysis.

Can I have opinions? Sure! I’ve had them since I first encountered Tolkien, and I’ve been refining them ever since! But these are personal and I don’t want the responsibility of holding up my ideas as Good Takes, because I’m very aware of my limitations. For things like “Hey do you have an opinion on this obscure character?” I’m thrilled to share all my opinions, but for things that are (rightfully!) considered such serious subjects because they affect real life people, I feel like the only thing I can do is take a step back and admit I probably don’t have particularly good answers.

Can you probably guess that I think Tolkien does some things right and some things wrong, just by reading through this blog? Absolutely, but that’s the nature of interacting with any kind of art. But to go out of my way to present A Unified Opinion is more than I am prepared to do.

I do think you make a very valid point, and I agree with much, though not necessarily all, of it, but to quote LotR, this would need “a week’s answer, or none.” As I’m not comfortable with sharing a week’s answer for the reasons above, I’ll just have to go with none, even though I very much get where you’re coming from with this!

[justafairytailofinnocence]

Hi can I get a Harry Potter, twilight , lotr and the hobbit matchup

Appearance: blonde wavy hair that reaches down to my hip, 168cm tall Hourglass body shape, fair skin tone, my eye color is hard to describe. Most thinks it’s green with tiny spots of brown close to the pupils but some thinks it’s just grey or blue. Heart shaped face. My style is semi formal or formal. When I dress up i usually go for dress pants( always black) with a classy top or just a basic top with black blazer. Normal wear:lots of black. Wear suit pants, a fitting top with a black coat on top.

Personality: to everyone who don’t know me I am usually seen as introverted and look slightly sad or angry. I am intelligent and have a different perspective on things compared to my own and have a very philosophical mind, always occupied in my thought. Likes my privacy and not the most talkative person and unless someone is speaking to me or wants to spend time with me then I can have a convo but I am more of a listener and have social anxiety. but when I have to( family gatherings and such) I can put on a show and seem more nice, outgoing, confident and easy to speak with, have expert control over my body language and facial expressions so I can look like a harmless being one second and the next look like I want you dead in the blink of an eye,m even if my feelings don’t as up to my facial expressions, love my friends, hate lies and are honest with my friends with exception for white lies. I can be revengeful when I want to, people have a tendency for quickly trusting me and opening up to me about secrets, either if they are not my friends I use it as leverage to take revenge. Prefer emotionally tormenting my enemies and enjoying seeing them crumble if they have hurt me big time emotionally( very rare and I never get caught or believed to be guilty). I have a nack for knowing when someone lies and for finding the truth. Are the friend therapist. I care about the people who are close to me and are very friendly overall and not to quick to judge people. I usually adapt how I act around people to the person I am speaking with and only to the closest ones(friends and family) I am truly comfortable and take of my “mask” and be more extroverted and talkative with them. I have a hard time expressing what I feel to people and are not the most touchy person and don’t always go for hugs and kisses unless I have known them for a very long time and are comfortable with it. Had a very critical mom that was depressed and yelled at me and berated me until I got a panic attack quite often and this did not stop until my 16th birthday when I moved out to go to a school in another town and moved to the campus and away from home. My father was caring and tried sheering me up but he was not the most sympathetic or empathetic man in the world but he tries to comfort me. I am stubborn when I want to be, i am a witty person with a sharp tonunge do not care that much about others opinions of me unless its my friends opinion. but care about my education a lot. I can be blind when It comes to love and have a hard time thinking anyone would fancy me or think of me as anything more than a friend. Some as me as mysterious, flirty (sometimes) and intimidating

Hobbies:

Intrests: care a lot about the environment and it’s animals and study Etology and animal protection program to be animal safety inspector. Love reading, dreaming, sleeping, looking up facts about historical people or events that transpired before and love reading about different eras. Love reading mythology and are something of a night owl. Love the color black, dark academia aesthetic. Love shopping new clothes and watch movies or tv-shows.

Overall: I’m a slytherin. Personality type “the inventor” or the analysts: zodiac Pisces, rising sign: Scorpio and Gemini🌑. Shy and introverted first when you meet me but are a bad bitch ones you get to know me. I am the person who seem calm but can get very angry I am that person that could murder someone and still never be a suspect or get anyone to believe or was the one.

Hello dear 💖, for harry potter I ship you with:

Sirius black 🐾

- he seems to have a thing for wemon like you and perhaps you are the one he's looking for.

- the man hasn't had many true romances so to him this was the first.

- Sirius would take you on dates flying up and around the castle.

- you would be the kind of girl that would be seen with a good looking guy.

- your apart of the order.

- you get married in the order and have a half blood child with your hair and his eyes.

For twilight I ship you with:

Caius volturi 🌙

- he would be rather protective of you sometimes even telling men to back off.

- you seem to be his main catch so that's something at least.

- he would always be clingy to you and never compare you to anyone else.

- you would get annoyed if he becomes ultra ranty and he would need to back down a bit.

- you get to be a vampire queen.

- you get along well with Jane and Renata.

- you get married at the castle and unfortunately no kids. If you did they would have his hair and his eyes.

For lotr and the hobbit I ship you with:

Thranduil 🤴

- he would definitely relate to you, he would spend all day in his castle talking about the habits of his kingdom.

- you would be the ultimate elf queen.

- you would have a way at controlling quite the lot of them of your people.

- legalos would be thingy but then get over it.

- he would be entitled to you and you would marry in the castle. Your child is an elf with his hair and eyes.

Anyways that's all I have for now:

Ta Ta 💫

[raganandhersurveys]

3/1/21~5000 question survey 1-100 {CXV}

I started this about 2 years ago and never finished so I’m going to restart and see how far I can get. I’d love to get it done before the end of the year but I am definitely not holding myself to that statement haha. Here we go pt. 2 

(also shoutout to @lovemesomesurveys for doing this so i could get the questions from one source. Thanks girl! <3!!

1. Who are you?

~my name is ragan

2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?

1. I am very outgoing and fun loving 

2. I have a big heart but am not afraid to speak my mind

3. I hope I can one day pursue a career in fashion

3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one what are you doing? 

~hanging out with my friends, doing hw, eating, or talking to my bf haha

4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if you are out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time). 

~choir, drama appreciation, geology, american gov. 

5. What is your biggest goal for this year? 

~to begin to plan out “big girl things” in my life. i’ll be a freshman in college in the fall and i really wanna feel confident about my future(if that’s possible) so saving money, getting a real job, looking into new opportunities, etc. (if you have any advice, plz send my way haha:))

6. Where do you want to be in 5 years? 

~to feel a little secure in my job or career pathway, or at least have a plan

7. What stage of life are you in right now? 

~the ending of my teenage years :(

8. Are you more child-like or childish? 

~neither honestly 

9. What is the last thing you said out loud? 

~i was singing along to a song haha

10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now? 

~8teen by khalid haha

11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes? 

~nope

12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same? 

~it’s honestly one big rollercoaster. i have my good days and bad days but i try to keep a positive mindset:)

13. Does time really heal all wounds? 

~it doesn’t necessarily heal it but it does help it some

14. How do you handle a rainy day? 

~usually stay inside or take a nap. if it rains for a long period of time i tend to get a headache so i usually take a nap haha

15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights?

~losing luggage for sure 

16. How is your relationship with your parents? 

~pretty good. my dad and i are super close. my mom and i have our moments but i love her

Will you miss them when they are gone? 

~are you kidding?!?! i don’t know how i’ll recover from losing them tbh

17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you? 

~for the most part yes; i’m pretty good at reading the room

18. What is the truest thing that you know? 

~God.

19. What did you want to be when you grew up? 

~gosh so many different things; teacher, pharmacist, reporter, author, family therapist, actress 

20. Have you ever been given a second chance? 

~yep

21. Are you more of a giver or a taker? 

~both tbh

22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind?

~definitely 

23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you? 

~i had to go to the hospital one time because my stomach was hurting so bad I thought i was gonna die. i don’t think anything except child birth could beat that

24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you? 

~some things my mom has said to me

25. Who have you hugged today? 

~honestly no one :(

26. Who has done something today to show they care about you? 

~i can’t think of anything but i’m sure there was something 

27. Do you have a lot to learn? 

~for sure. i don’t think we should ever stop

28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?

~how to start my own clothing brand, how to make straight a’s, and to cook perfectly

 29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel? 

~how they make me feel fo sure 

30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship? 

~communication, loyalty, passion, 

31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die? 

~have a successful job, find the love of my life, and travel the world 

 32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing? 

~having to get divorced, letting down my future children, and emotionally traumatizing someone 

33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause? 

~not a cause, but i’m a christain and that’s the truest thing in my life 

34. What does each decade make you think of:

The 19.. 

 20's: flapper dancers and the roaring 20s

 30's: the great depression and poverty

 40's: world war II and classic movies

50's: sock hops and diners

 60's: iconic fashion and audrey hepburn

 70's: my dad and classic rock

 80's: the breakfast club and how much i wished i grew up then ahahah

 90's: rnb and friends

 2000 (so far): brittany spears and my early childhood

 2010's: middle school and social media 

 35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why?

~the 80s because i’ve always felt like that was the decade for me. that’s when my mom grew up and i envy her so much for growing up then. but also the 2000s because that was my early childhood and its crazy to think i’ll never get those days back 

36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song? 

~stairway to heaven: led zeppelin

37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country? 

~the usa and president biden 

If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be?

~you good homie?

38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night? 

~i rarely watch live tv

39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why? 

~bahah probs ursula because if i knew ariel could sing like that, i’d steal her voice too

40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout? 

~no

41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat? 

~neither but a boat in the middle of the ocean during a storm would be terrifying 

42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night? 

~the sun?

43. What does your name mean? 

~i just looked it up and apparently it means noble LMFAO

44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space? 

~neither. both of those sound like a bad idea 

45. Word association What is the first word that comes to mind when you see the word:

Air: traffic

Meat: steak

Different: breed

Pink: drink

Deserve: freedom

White: elephant 

Elvis: graceland

Magic: treehouse

Heart: pump

Clash: boom

Pulp: fiction

46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be? 

~audrey hepburn 100%

47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive? 

~jimmy garoppolo ;))

48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?

~not everyday but i’m always down for a lotr/hobbit marathon

49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do? 

~a phone with some kind of wifi box so i can gtfo lmao

 50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved?

~uhhhh not that i can think of 

51. Make up a definition for the following silly words... 

 Fruitgoogle: a website you can search up fruits with

 Ambytime: free time

 Asscactus: an annoying person

 52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?

~this little gift bag for my mom’s students 

53. What was your favorite toy as a child? 

~american girl dolls omfg 

54. How many TV’s are in your house? 

~3

55. What is your favorite thing to do outside? 

~swimming or just being at the beach

56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow? 

~awwwwww

57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true? 

~i have dreamed about people and then met them which is a super weird experience 

58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader? 

~no

59. What is your idea of paradise?

~i think it would be a couple of different places or themes because i love to see the beauty in a lot of different ideas

60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like? 

~absolutely. He’s just and loving 

61. Do you believe in Hell? 

~yes

62. What one thing have you done that most people haven't? 

~i honestly cannot think of anything 

63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done?

~i’ve done some volunteer stuff for other people so ig something like that 

64. Are you a patient person? 

~i try to be 

65. What holiday should exist but doesn't? 

~free shopping day where only i can shop for free :))))))

66. What holiday shouldn't exist but does?

~i love all the holidays 

67. What's the best joke you ever heard? 

~apparently none because i can’t think of one

68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been? 

~southpoint mall in charlotte. it was shopper’s heaven 

69. Is your hair natural or dyed? 

~all natural .

70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front? 

~none that are interesting 

71. What is under your bed right now? 

~dust and stuff from my childhood

72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home? 

~gtfo bahaha

73. If you drive do you frequently speed? 

~always

74. What is the world's best song to dance to? 

~depends on what kind of dancing. any 2000s club song is an absolute banger 

75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone?

~some tik tok sound. just a gen z kid here :)

76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers? 

~probs disney 

77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo? 

~otters or tigers 

78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?

~if i’m crazy about you, absolutely. .

79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off? 

~ig lol

80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it? 

~travel all over 

81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick? 

~i’m sorry that’s too stressful lol

82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole? ~equator. i hate the cold 

83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television?

~tv. i can’t live w/o music

84. What do you think makes someone a hero? 

~being selfless 

85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in? 

~powderpuff girls 100%

86. Name one thing that turns your stomach:

~rats

87. What was the last thing you paid for? 

~clothes from shein

88. Are you a coupon clipper?

~nah

89. Get anything good in the mail recently? 

~not super recently 

90. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling? 

~dancing 

91. In Star Trek people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. So... Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends? 

~no because the real person died, so it’s a clone but not the original

92. What insects are you afraid of? 

~roaches and wasps

93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say? 

~”she stressin’ over her wardrobe” 

94. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn? 

~i have these huuuuge tiger earrings that are freaking extra. i wore them with green corduroy flair pants and a brown stripped shirt and literally looked like the 70s threw up on me hahah

95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be? 

~chick fil a

96. What are your parents interested in? 

~my mom loves 70s tv shows and christmas lol and my dad likes classic rock and anything to do with christianity

97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet?

~we used to catch lightning bugs in a jar when i was little and put them in a jar.

98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?

~uhhh plans....lol

99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest? 

~when i’m hanging out with friends or at a high energy place like an amusement park or concert

100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring?

~water, a flashlight, and something for protection like a gun

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Pluralistic: 04 Mar 2020 (Brokered conventions, the Siege of Gondor, ICE risk-assessment whitebox, Chinese covid censorship, America's national immunocompromise)

Today's links

A brokered convention will produce a powerless presidency: Transformative change requires a movement, not a plan.

What the Siege of Gondor teaches us about medieval warfare: 40,000 riveting words from Roman military historian Bret Deveraux.

ICE's risk assessment algorithm only ever recommends detention: NYCLU suing to force them to admit what we've all figured out.

Probing China's Covid-19 censorship: Outstanding work from Citizen Lab.

America is uniquely at risk from coronavirus: 77 million un- and underinsured people.

This day in history:

Colophon: Recent publications, current writing projects, upcoming appearances, current reading

I'm coming to Kelowna, BC tomorrow! I'll be at the library from 6-8PM with my book Radicalized for the CBC's Canada Reads. It's free, but you need to RSVP (and most of the seats are gone, so act quick).

https://www.eventbrite.ca/e/cbc-radio-presents-in-conversation-with-cory-doctorow-tickets-96154415445

A brokered convention will produce a powerless presidency (permalink)

Hoping for a brokered convention is basically saying, "Hey, go fuck yourself" to every doorknocker and phone canvasser in your base. It says, "Let's not use votes to choose the candidate. You little people were for show. We choose our leaders by gathering the people who matter in smoke-filled rooms."

Any candidate hoping to enact a transformative program from the presidency is going to need a powerful, motivated base to whip establishment Dems into order: "I want to do it, now make me do it." Jettisoning the idea that your supporters get you nominated is the most demoralizing thing I can imagine, short of shutting off the server your organizers used to get you elected as soon as they succeed (looking at you, Barack Obama).

It's pure technocratic hubris, the kind of thing that turns promising wonks into figureheads who accomplish nothing. Saving America from plutocracy and white nationalism requires a movement, not a savior with a plan.

What the Siege of Gondor teaches us about medieval warfare (permalink)

Last spring, Roman military historian Bret Devereaux published over 40,000 words of analysis of the Siege of Gondor as depicted in Peter Jackson's Return of the King. It is by far the best use of fiction as a tool for teaching history that I've ever read.

It's in 6 parts, broken down by themes. By far my favorite section was the opener, on the logistics of sieges. I am a quartermaster by temperament, and the logistic of moving 200,000 orcs (plus trolls, elephants, siege engines, etc) is FASCINATING.

https://acoup.blog/2019/05/10/collections-the-siege-of-gondor/

"The road the orcs are on allows them to march five abreast, meaning there are 40,000 such rows. Giving each orc four feet of space on the march, that would mean the army alone stretches 30 miles down a single road. At that length, the tail end of the army would not even be able to leave camp before the front of the army had finished marching for the day." (!!)

The section on the siege's opener, part II, is likewise fascinating and contains some great craft notes.

https://acoup.blog/2019/05/17/collections-the-siege-of-gondor-part-ii-these-beacons-are-liiiiiiit/

"LOTR doesn't rely – as so much fiction does – on the 'good guys' making stupid mistake after stupid mistake in order to create tension. Instead, Gondor executes its plans admirably, and yet it is so outmatched in military might that it remains in peril."

Part III is more in the weeds on weapons and tactics. It gets into some really gnarly deep nerd stuff about the immediate preamble to a siege that I loved.

https://acoup.blog/2019/05/24/collections-the-siege-of-gondor-part-iii-having-fun-storming-the-city/

"The paths the siege towers will take must be cleared and leveled (even a slight grade will tip them over). Earthwork cover for the approach on the gate should be set up, along with obstructions to prevent the army within the city from advancing at an inopportune moment. In assaulting a fortified city with a large army, the spade is often the most important weapon. Even building a ramp right up the enemy walls to enter the city was a common and successful tactic, if the assaulting army had enough labor to do it quickly enough."

My favorite part of the section on calvary charge was the notable absence of NCOs in the orc ranks, maintaining discipline.

https://acoup.blog/2019/05/31/collections-the-siege-of-gondor-part-iv-the-cavalry-arrives/

"The orc general, Gothmog has to push through the ranks and reorder his infantry, while the orcs stare dumbfounded at the new threat. This is a task that should have been taken up by a hundred-hundred NCOs up and down the line, which speaks to problems of command structure."

By far the most intensely geeky section is in Part V, which deals with the math for calculating whether the trolls could possibly heft the hammers that deal the damage that we see.

https://acoup.blog/2019/06/07/collections-the-siege-of-gondor-part-v-just-flailing-about-flails/

"If a troll really is around 9 times as strong as a strong man, we might figure that a troll sledgehammer might be something like 81kg, and a troll warhammer only 5.76 – 13.59kg. Wildly short of the massive clubs and hammers the trolls wield in these scenes."

ICE's risk assessment algorithm only ever recommends detention (permalink)

The New York Civil Liberties Union and Bronx Defenders have filed suit against ICE, trying to force it to respond to a FOIA request about risk assessment algorithm that has put people in detention 97% of the time.

https://theintercept.com/2020/03/02/ice-algorithm-bias-detention-aclu-lawsuit/

The algorithm was tweaked after the 2016 election (prior to then, it only recommended detention for 53% of cases), and by classifying virtually everyone it evaluates as a public safety risk, it violates the law's requirement of "individualized determinations" for detentions.

People in immigration detention have yet to see a judge or be found guilty. They can be locked up for weeks or months, and detention can cost them their jobs — or even their children. The Trump administration has exponentially increased the number of immigration arrests; coupled with automatic detention-by-algorithm, this has put thousands of New Yorkers in harm's way.

Investigative journalists and activists have previously shown that the algorithm was changed to eliminate all possible outcomes (bond, release, etc), so that it could only recommend detention. So the problem here isn't the usual one of not knowing how the black-box works. We know exactly how it works. You ask it, "Should this person be detained?" and it says "Yes."

"The no-release policy is particularly tough on people with disabilities or health problems. 'This practice of widespread detention is both cruel and needless.'"

Probing China's Covid-19 censorship (permalink)

Citizen Lab's new report on Chinese coronavirus censorship is outstanding. By decompiling the YY client (which stores blacklist words on the client-side) and probing Wechat (which uses server-side blacklisting), they build up a detailed picture of Chinese epidemiological censorship.

https://citizenlab.ca/2020/03/censored-contagion-how-information-on-the-coronavirus-is-managed-on-chinese-social-media/

Most importantly, they demonstrate how the Cyberspace Administration of China's threat of "thematic inspections" of platforms to ensure coronavirus censorship led to indiscriminate blocking of vital public health information.

It's "authoritarian blindness" in the making, "where people too scared to tell the autocrat the hard truths makes it impossible for the autocrat to set policy that reflects reality"

https://pluralistic.net/2020/02/24/pluralist-your-daily-link-dose-24-feb-2020/#thatswhatxisaid

"Censorship of COVID-19 content started at early stages of the outbreak and continued to expand blocking a wide range of speech, from criticism of the government to officially sanctioned facts and information."

By contrast, the sheer volume of "sarcastic homonyms or word play related to COVID-19" that appear on the blacklist are really a testament to the ingenuity and spirit of Chinese netizens.

"A number of these keyword combinations are critical (e.g., "亲自 [+] 皇上," by someone + emperor), criticizing the central leadership's inability or inaction in dealing with COVID-19 ("习近平 [+] 形式主义 [+] 防疫," Xi Jinping + formalism + epidemic prevention). Many of them refer to leadership in a neutral way (e.g., "肺炎 [+] 李克强 [+] 武汉 [+] 总理 [+] 北京," Pneumonia + Li Keqiang + Wuhan + Premier + Beijing)."

America is uniquely at risk from coronavirus (permalink)

Among rich countries, the USA is uniquely vulnerable to coronavirus. Thanks to its title to "by far the worst system among rich countries, it is much worse than that of many poorer countries when it comes to confronting a fast-moving epidemic."

https://theweek.com/articles-amp/899359/why-america-vulnerable-coronavirus

The US has 77m un/underinsured people. "and the vicious, right-wing ideology of the Republican Party has wrecked the government's ability to manage crises of any kind, " with "unqualified cronies" running important agencies.

"Now they are resorting to the only thing they know how to do really well — lying, concocting conspiracy theories and blaming Democrats and the media for any bad news. It does not bode well."

This day in history (permalink)

#15yrsago EFF is hiring a new IP lawyer https://web.archive.org/web/20050307005314/http://www.corante.com/copyfight/archives/2005/03/04/ip_attorneys_eff_wants_you.php (the ad that led to the hiring of Corynne McSherry!)

#10yrsago Guardian column on LibDem proposal to block web-lockers https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2010/mar/04/web-lockers-digital-economy-liberal-democrats-wrong

#1yrago Fox News was always partisan, but now it is rudderless and "anti-democratic" https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2019/03/11/the-making-of-the-fox-news-white-house

#1yrago Leaked memo suggests that Google has not really canceled its censored, spying Chinese search tool https://theintercept.com/2019/03/04/google-ongoing-project-dragonfly/

#1yrago Terra Nullius: Grifters, settler colonialism and "intellectual property" https://locusmag.com/2019/03/cory-doctorow-terra-nullius/

#1yrago Tim Maughan's Infinite Detail: a debut sf novel about counterculture, resistance, and the post-internet apocalypse https://boingboing.net/2019/03/04/gnu-slash-apocalypse.html

#1yrago Financialization is wearing out its welcome https://www.ft.com/content/a9f13afc-3c3d-11e9-b856-5404d3811663

#1yrago How the patent office's lax standards gave Elizabeth Holmes the BS patents she needed to defraud investors and patients https://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/2019/03/theranos-how-a-broken-patent-system-sustained-its-decade-long-deception/

Colophon (permalink)

Today's top sources: Naked Capitalism (https://nakedcapitalism.com/), Slashdot (https://slashdot.org/) and Kottke (Kottke).

Hugo nominators! My story "Unauthorized Bread" is eligible in the Novella category and you can read it free on Ars Technica: https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2020/01/unauthorized-bread-a-near-future-tale-of-refugees-and-sinister-iot-appliances/

Upcoming appearances:

Canada Reads Kelowna: March 5, 6PM, Kelowna Library, 1380 Ellis Street, with CBC's Sarah Penton https://www.eventbrite.ca/e/cbc-radio-presents-in-conversation-with-cory-doctorow-tickets-96154415445

Currently writing: I just finished a short story, "The Canadian Miracle," for MIT Tech Review. It's a story set in the world of my next novel, "The Lost Cause," a post-GND novel about truth and reconciliation. I'm getting geared up to start work on the novel now, though the timing is going to depend on another pending commission (I've been solicited by an NGO) to write a short story set in the world's prehistory.

Currently reading: Just started Lauren Beukes's forthcoming Afterland: it's Y the Last Man plus plus, and two chapters in, it's amazeballs. Last month, I finished Andrea Bernstein's "American Oligarchs"; it's a magnificent history of the Kushner and Trump families, showing how they cheated, stole and lied their way into power. I'm getting really into Anna Weiner's memoir about tech, "Uncanny Valley." I just loaded Matt Stoller's "Goliath" onto my underwater MP3 player and I'm listening to it as I swim laps.

Latest podcast: Disasters Don't Have to End in Dystopias: https://craphound.com/podcast/2020/03/01/disasters-dont-have-to-end-in-dystopias/

Upcoming books: "Poesy the Monster Slayer" (Jul 2020), a picture book about monsters, bedtime, gender, and kicking ass. Pre-order here: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781626723627?utm_source=socialmedia&utm_medium=socialpost&utm_term=na-poesycorypreorder&utm_content=na-preorder-buynow&utm_campaign=9781626723627

(we're having a launch for it in Burbank on July 11 at Dark Delicacies and you can get me AND Poesy to sign it and Dark Del will ship it to the monster kids in your life in time for the release date).

"Attack Surface": The third Little Brother book, Oct 20, 2020.

"Little Brother/Homeland": A reissue omnibus edition with a very special, s00per s33kr1t intro.

[punkscowardschampions]

Sick Kids Group Chat

sonmychest: 🤗 tigerbalm: 👋🧡 tigerbalm: it's been so long! 🙀 how are you?? sonmychest: I know! I suck sonmychest: don't want to be the youtuber spending ten minutes apologizing for not being here though sonmychest: I'm doing pretty good right now, how are you? 😚 tigerbalm: it's a bad day, not a bad life...is what I would caption if I was an instagram influencer or something 😸😸 brainpain: 🦸 speaking for me when I haven't streamed in days LOL sonmychest: 🤭🤭 sonmychest: at least we have reasons for being that #extra that aren't the vague notion of NEEDING a break from taking pictures of our ☕ brainpain: I do spend LOTS of time in a dark room but not for 📸 no flash photography PLEASE 😵 inandout: your feed just updated, Lo brainpain: 👮🚓🚨 sonmychest: stalking or hacking? sonmychest: either way I might need those expertise brainpain: I had a 🌈✨🧁 FIGHT ME, Zachary tigerbalm: it is pretty tbh inandout: friend request, but it's not as if I don't have zero hacking or stalking skills sonmychest: wait, what happened to the anonymity rules??? sonmychest: where's @gotspoons and what have you done with her?! inandout: you missed the overthrowing of a tyrant inandout: not really, but the rule book is gone gotspoons: going to pretend I was summoned by mention, not notification gotspoons: say how you really feel, Zach! 😔 inandout: I said not really, rowboat gotspoons: I have 👀 and 👂 everywhere so you better be nice 😏🤭 gotspoons: but no, hi again, @sonmychest! we missed you! gotspoons: it seemed the whole no names no real life details thing was more of a hindrance than a help to the whole goal of this group, so we came to the conclusion by majority, and the higher ups were all okay with it, providing everyone under a certain age got their parents to sign off and we all used the same common sense we use on other areas of the web gotspoons: so feel free to introduce yourself by real name if you would like, but it's not necessary if you would not 😊 gotspoons: reintroduce, I should say tigerbalm: we shared selfies & everyone was 😻😻😻 brainpain: learned what a sex god @tooexhaustedtolivevicariously aka Rich is sonmychest: 😱😱😱 sonmychest: can't believe I've missed so much sonmychest: need to get better at socialization, my mammy is right 😂 brainpain: an unrivalled love story brainpain: not that he's here to back me up on that inandout: Paris and Helen who? Romeo and Juliet who? Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII who? tigerbalm: wait, those are all 💔😿!! brainpain: he's being a brainpain: insert a swear word of your choice sonmychest: *stage whispers* it's not jealousy though, is it? sonmychest: clearly, fill me in on all the nuances whilst I frantically try to find a picture of myself that's even one 😻 brainpain: he's a 👶 you already know brainpain: but Rich will be leaving me for some uni girl 🤓 so he's not wrong about the doomed part sonmychest: face that launched a thousand ships is a really great insta bio though sonmychest: right, so we have Rich, Zach...who else? gotspoons: Rosie here 🤗 brainpain: Lauren tigerbalm: & me, Robyn inandout: the new girl who started the revolution is Zelda inandout: @ihatemyguts sonmychest: no way sonmychest: a fellow nerd, or at least child-of-a-nerd sonmychest: 'cos I'm Kara and I don't totally hate this photo [selfie] tigerbalm: 😻😻 tigerbalm: you look so like I imagined you, except I thought maybe you'd be 👼 tigerbalm: should we all send new pics? brainpain: [does because any excuse] brainpain: they'll be buried tigerbalm: [a selfie that's even shyer than the first one she sent] gotspoons: [the same photo as before] inandout: if I must [some ridiculous selfie] tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: This is a nice welcome back tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and I've only been to physio brainpain: NOT ready for another selfie drop from you, boy brainpain: I'll be on my fainting couch brainpain: also hi tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Perhaps I should save your 🦴s and my pride when poor Kara, hello again btw, has to pretend to swoon too brainpain: 🦸 has great taste brainpain: we all love a shy boy tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: My teachers undoubtedly wish I were shy, make their lives a lot easier tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: [a photo] here we are anyway, I hope you found a soft surface suitable for you, Lauren brainpain: ☁ tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Ah, so you're the 👼 brainpain: LMAO 😈 brainpain: but you're looking angelic sir sonmychest: how are you ALL so cute sonmychest: this keeps happening, omg tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 👼 face hides a multitude of 😈 sins apparently inandout: but reading between the lines, who else is making you swoon/stalk/hack inandout: that's my question tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Well spotted, Zachary 🔎 sonmychest: 🙈 ugh, I'm so embarrassing sonmychest: but we can pretend it's all spilling out now because I played it SO cool in the actual conversation, right 😬😅 inandout: that's the official story, everyone'll confirm sonmychest: thanks, I need the backup so I can also pretend I have lots of friends and a normal social life gotspoons: we are your friends, Kara! gotspoons: though are normal is different from most tigerbalm: & you're coming to my birthday party & even though you have to stand on the other side of the room to Zach, it's still social tigerbalm: OH & we were talking about potentially meeting up!! All of us brainpain: keep it 6ft, children inandout: I'll be in the garden with my date, you can have the indoors with yours inandout: collectively, because we're all speed dating here now inandout: proud of you for picking someone outside this circle sonmychest: GAH so much exciting information today!!! sonmychest: 😁 sonmychest: obviously, I figured no one needed the drama of me falling for you, Zach sonmychest: 💀 not cute inandout: there's already a book and film about it, the chance has been thoroughly missed brainpain: Ignore him, Zelda's nothing but thrilled to find someone else in her age bracket brainpain: 👶👶 brainpain: hit us with your 💞 please sonmychest: well, I didn't just re-log into this chat today, I went on all my old forums because well, boredom, we can all relate, right? sonmychest: what I thought would be the least promising one was the sonmychest: not a dating site, I'm not 100 but you know the kind sonmychest: anyway, the CUTEST boy starts talking to me and he's also really funny and nice ??? tigerbalm: OMG! Did you swap selfies there too? sonmychest: not yet sonmychest: because he sounds so 😻😻 sonmychest: and he wants to talk to me again and he might not if we do tigerbalm: you're 😻😻😻 Kara brainpain: what she said brainpain: + if he's as funny, nice, all of that, as you said brainpain: I doubt he's a shallow jerk inandout: are you a good judge of character or not? inandout: what it comes down to sonmychest: oh, thank you guys! sonmychest: I don't know sonmychest: I think I am sonmychest: he didn't immediately come out with weird requests or weird 📸 of his own and that's a massive start on that site, I was honestly there to 🗑 my account but he changed my mind brainpain: I'll PM you the spooky stories my sister sends me about guys, it'll make you feel better brainpain: you'd know if he was one sonmychest: 🤭 do, can compare notes sonmychest: we honestly just talked about totally normal, nerdy things, it wasn't even a little sketch brainpain: ✉️ + 100000000s brainpain: hold up tigerbalm: that sounds 🧡 & so does this boy tigerbalm: awwhhh sonmychest: [sends the description he sent her slow your roll gal lol] sonmychest: assuming he isn't the archetypal internet weirdo from the 90s scare tactics tigerbalm: WOW inandout: tall, dark and handsome inandout: original sonmychest: okay, I know that covers a lot of bases sonmychest: but someone has to be brainpain: continuing to ignore you, Zach sonmychest: I get it though sonmychest: it's not like I even care what he looks like though, so even if the pics aren't exactly that description brainpain: not every man can be my Rich but doesn't make them 👹/🤡/👻/👽/👥 brainpain: trust your gut, it's not that body part that's failing you tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 👹 is a solid representation but the hair needs to be longer tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: at the risk of making myself or Zachary appear like overly protective boys, I think as long as you're as sensible as you surely are with this, then there's no harm in the back and forth tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: so if you were going to meet this person IRL, he could perhaps come to the group meet-up, that would be a good way to do it? brainpain: *🧝🏻 that's what needs to be said about your representation tigerbalm: Great idea, Rich! 😺 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: when the beard comes in I'll look more Gimli than Elrond but I'll take the compliment 👽 babe from outerspace brainpain: who's watching the LoTRs with me? gotspoons: count me out, I'm the worst film buddy ever 😴 ihatemyguts: how many naps could you have in 20hr28mins assuming we're watching everything extended release 'cos duh ihatemyguts: 🥳 go hard or go home 🥳 brainpain: that's you in ihatemyguts: of course ihatemyguts: long since stopped asking for a pause every time I gotta 💩 ihatemyguts: adept at catching up with the plot is a life skill I didn't expect to gain like this but 🙌 gotspoons: 😅 I could do the whole 20hr28mins and that not be a record for how many hours I've slept consecutively brainpain: I'll act it out for you, I can get the 🧝🏼🏹 costume together during the pauses brainpain: dressing up box runneth over sonmychest: 🙋 dibs Arwen sonmychest: my old Katniss cosplay can be repurposed with some bedsheets and a 👸 vibe to it brainpain: that makes Rich your daddy 👀 you, babe sonmychest: 😖😳 nooooooooooo brainpain: I'll be Galadriel if only so I can speak to my man telepathically 💕 brainpain: swerving off book for that love connection ihatemyguts: obviously eye of sauron ihatemyguts: jokes write themselves inandout: hair of a hobbit wig so likewise inandout: and you know, a jew, gonna be the one to handle the 💎 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: How hairy are your feet, a pickup line that doesn't get thrown about enough inandout: not sending you free feet pics inandout: PM for prices though tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Respect the hustle, Zachary tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: but I have clearly pledged myself and my allegiance to an e-girl already 🧝🏼🏹 brainpain: changed my Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim name to Galadriel for you, Richard, you've officially made me basic brainpain: will cite it in the divorce tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: as long as I can proudly produce said divorce to every mouthbreather that calls me a freak, I am okay with that tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: devastated, naturally 💔 but okay brainpain: hit me up for multiple re-marriages at your convenience, I like that for us tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Make a solid livestream 👰💒🤵 gotspoons: I'll get officiated! tigerbalm: imagine if any of us actually did get together cos of this forum gotspoons: You never know, Robyn gotspoons: it would be so adorable 😊 tigerbalm: Kara is giving me hope that online dating doesn't have to be a minefield sonmychest: don't give up yet! sonmychest: you're so lovely, a total catch tigerbalm: there still isn't a blushing 😸 emoji & I NEED it ihatemyguts: a travesty ihatemyguts: who do we need to @ for that brainpain: @fibrofog brainpain: he was a BIG DEAL ihatemyguts: 😏 hoping he comes back and I can 👰💒🤵 him obvs brainpain: 🔺 between me/him/Rich was prime in my life ihatemyguts: glory dayz brainpain: if he doesn't show up to stop our first wedding ihatemyguts: Zach won't even properly date me until we're confirmed #foreveralone at 18 inandout: you don't call this properly dating? inandout: @Kara you've got yourself a hater before your romance has fully taken off ihatemyguts: oi, don't drag me in to your 🧂 behaviour ihatemyguts: I'm very nice, I swear inandout: that's just how I taste inandout: she knows brainpain: if I didn't know my CF facts I'd be calling for a ban brainpain: that sounds filthy sonmychest: first declaring Rich my daddy, now 👅 Zach 😲😲😲 sonmychest: I'm also quite nice but not that kind of nice, I 🤞 tigerbalm: I don't think I wanna know.... inandout: But I'll tell you inandout: when we sweat, we lose too much salt, one of our many flaws inandout: on a hot day, you could lick us and taste it, if we like you enough to let you sonmychest: maybe that can be enough of a selling point? sonmychest: if crush boy talks to me again and it invariably comes up inandout: he might get to see it crystallise on your skin, not 💎 or ✨ but hey sonmychest: such a sexy condition, when you leave out all the mucus inandout: ZZ top is feeling it, she wants to properly date me ihatemyguts: 🧂 is a flavour I can enjoy pretty unrestricted ihatemyguts: let me have some pleasure tigerbalm: do the normies flirt like this too? tigerbalm: Kara you'll have to tell us, when you go further undercover ihatemyguts: don't know how lucky you are to have that pickup line in your back pocket ihatemyguts: just add tequila and a lemon and you've got a good time sonmychest: I'll 100% report back, providing he doesn't go 👻 brainpain: you need a drink when a boy lovingly strokes your hair only to feel the dent in your 💀 sonmychest: but also, to work out if your amazing hair is real or nah brainpain: I have too many split ends to be asked if it's a wig sonmychest: I ✂ my own sonmychest: and not often enough 😅 brainpain: don't reach for the bleach cos Robbie sees you as a blonde, there's my sisterly/old lady advice sonmychest: oh God, with these brows? sonmychest: I can swear I won't do that, along with meet up with internet randos alone brainpain: I'd volunteer to come along but I don't do disappearing into the background brainpain: would wear a trenchcoat for the right 💸💸 gotspoons: Normies definitely TRY to use our disabilities as a way to flirt with us, with varying success gotspoons: the amount of time I spend in bed is nothing to be 😏 about, honestly gotspoons: even if I was also chiming in to confirm blondes do have more fun, when they've had all their vitamins, a perfect amount of sleep, the stars have aligned JUST right... 🤭 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: as resident ♿ user, they most ask if IT 'works', which is a bizarre level of care for people who aren't concerned about how me getting into their establishment really 'works' tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and, my dear, you are a terrible third wheel tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 🔻 suits you better than obscurity 😎 brainpain: but I am a fun time with the TBI having increased the impulsiveness + removing the few inhibitions I did have 😉 brainpain: inappropriate sexual activity is a listed symptom 🤞 boys ihatemyguts: definitely a case of 'okay when I point it out to embolden myself, creepy if you do it' ihatemyguts: think some normies point out their flaws to be endearing but idk, is low-key a disability superpower guys, + 1 for us brainpain: like, what does that mean? Inappropriate for who? Answers on a ✉️ please ihatemyguts: could range from, science, you're being a prude to calling you a master criminal on the low brainpain: so many of my symptoms could describe anyone in their teens or early 20s brainpain: Rich, write a smart boy uni essay on it tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: depending on the bit that gets damaged, could be the same part that isn't yet fully developed in young people tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: checks out 🧠 brainpain: you're SO clever brainpain: you'll be fighting off more than one 🤓 girl tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I'm not sure about that, on either count tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: though the chair is a useful battering ram when it needs to be brainpain: I'm into it tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: then you can hitch a ride, of course brainpain: reserved™ tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: the parking is unparalleled brainpain: not allowed to drive, you are my transport now, no pressure gotspoons: Me either, who can? gotspoons: need to work out the carpool situation brainpain: my housemate will, she owes me 10000s of favours inandout: + my parents tigerbalm: mine too but they're a lot to inflict upon anyone sonmychest: ^^hard same tigerbalm: maybe we get ourselves there unless someone can't? tigerbalm: & those people speak up sonmychest: That makes sense to me brainpain: ok, is there anyone who needs a lift? ihatemyguts: I'm good tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: likewise gotspoons: I'll make a permanent post where people can register interest in the meet-up, as well as need for a lift gotspoons: so anyone who can offer a lift, can respond there too, sound good guys? 😊 inandout: cool inandout: very un-tyrant like gotspoons: thank you, Zach 😏

[phonaesthemes]

a list of asks

@padawanyugi tagged me in this, but Tumblr decided to eat any notification that I got tagged, so I’m glad I saw it on my dash because I like filling these things out. Thanks for tagging me! I may have typed A Lot.

Favorites: What types of books do you enjoy? Tell about what you’ve read recently (Or maybe about a book you hated recently!)I like spec-fic and sci-fi, although less “hard” science fiction, and I also enjoy fantasy. I read a lot of YA even though I’m in my 30s just because it seems easy to find a story I want to read and I’m not usually in the mood for dense prose.

I’ve been rereading the Wheel of Time series since it’s getting an Amazon TV show; it was my first non-LOTR fantasy series and I love it to death, warts and all, although I love joking about the weak points with other people who’ve read it. I think the last other thing I read was A Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue, which was a queer YA historical fiction, and it was a lot of fun. I wish I’d had access to all these queer stories when I was an actual teenager, but better late than never.

What types of music do you like to listen to? Share five songs from your music library. I really do like a bit of everything, although I gravitate towards certain genres more often depending on the season or time of day, so I’m going to cheat and pick 5 per season. Summer for me is lots of peppy pop (pride playlists!), punk and rock and punk-adjacent stuff, just upbeat stuff in general. -Weekender, by The Royal They -Break My Heart, by Dua Lipa -Toutes les femmes savent danser, by Loud -Ruby Soho, by Rancid -Womanarchist, by Bad Cop, Bad Cop

In the fall, my inner goth kid craves darkwave, goth rock, dramatic folk, roots rock, and also anything that reminds me of Halloween. -Iuka, by the Secret Sisters -Bela Lugosi’s Dead, by Bauhaus -How’s It Gonna End, by Tom Waits -Under the Milky Way, by The Church -I Put a Spell on You, by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins I could go on about the Christmas music I like at length (Boney M’s Christmas album slaps, ngl) but I’ll just skip that and say that I listen to more classical and piano pieces in the winter. I’m terrible at remembering names, so artists only: -Ludovico Einaudi -Chopin -Debussy -Saint-Saëns -Dvořák And in spring I’m usually just depressed af and listen to whatever. -FML, by K.Flay -Weird Part of the Night, by Louis Cole -Juodaan Viinaa, by Korpiklaani -P.O.H.U.I., by Carla’s Dreams -Marryuna, by Baker Boy

Do you have a show or movie that you can just put on anytime and it’s your comfort? Definitely Star Trek. I’ve rewatched the various iterations (except TOS) so many times. Also Mean Girls and Bring It On, idk why.

Do you have a favorite dessert? Tiramisu or creme brulée! Or macarons. I don’t eat dessert really unless I’m at a restaurant.

Do you have a favorite cold drink? Sparkling water, hands down.

Do you have a favorite game? The hours I have put into the SIms in my lifetime is probably shameful, although I haven’t played in a while. Don’t Starve is another contender for hours played, but I am also really fond everything by Amanita Design

Do you have a favorite part of your self care/beauty/health routine? I haven’t been doing it much lately since I’ve been dealing with some uncertain health issues with my joints (actually have a rheumatologist appointment later today), but savasana after a long yoga workout is borderline ecstasy.

Do you have a favorite type of take-out food? Indian for sure.

What’s your favorite type of exercise/physical activity? I have a love-hate relationship with running. I don’t actually love it but I love how I feel after. I really enjoy yoga. I love playing in the water at the beach, bodyboarding and swimming.

Pick between: (you choose the context)

Cook or bake? (I love cooking A Lot)

Space or ocean? (Hard to pick, but I grew up by the ocean and it’s 100% my happy place)

Chocolate or vanilla?

City or suburb or rural? (I grew up in an isolated rural village and I miss the quiet and the slower pace of life, but I do not miss the lack of amenities and opportunities, or the smalltown gossip. I also don’t drive bc of epilepsy, so I’m fucked as far as transport in rural settings.)

Past or future?

Shower in the morning or evening?

Mac/Apple or PC/Android? (Linux in general!)

Sing or dance?  (I don’t have an amazing voice but I can carry a tune without it being painful, and I love singing along with songs.)

Get up early or sleep in? (I actually love sleeping in but with two kids, early morning is my only time to myself, so I wake up before 6 most days AGGH.)

Shoes, socks, or bare feet? (Hate socks. I’m barefoot at home all year round.)

Marker, crayon, or pencil? Pen!

Tea, coffee, or hot chocolate? (Coffee in the morning, tea later on.)

Random questions:

Have you ever had any pets? (Had dogs and a cat as a kid, and as an adult I’ve had betta fish and cats, and I have a cat currently.)

What is your academic background/job field? I did my undergrad in linguistics, and I am currently a stay-at-home dad lol. I do freelance editing and transcription on the side. I don’t think I’ll ever work in my field bc I really don’t have the energy to go to grad school.

What’s something random that you’re into (even if you aren’t good at it)? I signed up for a Cape Breton step dancing class in university and I loved it.

Are you good at putting away your clean laundry right away? It depends on the day, but generally yes. Mine and everyone else’s. When I lived alone? Absolutely not.

What’s one of your pet peeves? Someone trying to have a conversation with me when they have the radio or TV on. I can’t follow what you’re saying if someone else is speaking! I hate having that stuff on as background noise in general.

What’s something you’re pretty good at? I’m a great cook.

What’s the most recent nice thing you bought for yourself? A new conditioner ig? lol

Can you sew? I can mend a small tear or sew on a button, but it’s been years since I did more than that.

What’s a chore you hate (or a chore you enjoy)? I hate vacuuming so much. So much. Maybe if I had a better vaccuum cleaner I wouldn’t mind it, but I just feel like I’m fighting with the stupid thing, getting caught up on its own cords, caught on furniture, can’t quiiiite reach a spot... HATE IT. I like shoveling snow sometimes, though.

Tell us a fun fact about yourself. I am 20 years older than my youngest sibling, and five minutes younger than my “oldest” sibling.

Never have I ever... Gone fishing, even though I’m from a fishing community.

What extracurriculars did/do you do in school? In high school, I played trumpet in band until the band got dissolved from lack of funding. I played soccer one year, was in a play another year. We had an art club for like a semester that I was in. In university the first time round, I did step dancing and intramural hide and seek  Second time around, I was in the linguistics club to help with assignments. (We were very much encouraged to work in pairs or groups for a lot of different classes. The only thing was that you did need to list your group members on the assignment so the prof knew who you worked with. My first morphology class in particular, we had a whole homework club where a huge portion of the class got together to work through assignments and help each other understand, and the prof would quite often show up. </tangent>

Deeper questions:

How’s your quarantine/last few months been? The cabin fever was really bad before the weather warmed up. I struggle with seasonal depression every spring, and it’s gotten much worse since we moved to Edmonton because of how long the winters are. (Snow from September to May/June? Fucccck.) It’s frankly horrifying to look at what’s going on in the US, but even though we have far fewer cases here, I’m really anxious that we’ll see another wave soon. Otherwise, I think I’ve adjusted. Home-schooling, hand-sanitizing, social distancing, masks...All feels kind of normal now, which should maybe concern me.

What do you think of human nature/society/etc.? I am like the least philosophical person you will meet so I don’t think I really have many thoughts.

What’s something you are insecure about? Writing my L2 if a native speaker is gonna read it.

What do you think is the meaning of life/reason that humans exist in the universe? I don’t think there is one, and that doesn’t bother me.

Do you think you’re better (whatever that means to you) than you used to be? Definitely. My adolescence and early adulthood was rough. I was dealing with a lot of trauma, untreated bipolar disorder, and I self-harmed for a very long time. I could not imagine making it to 30, let alone being stable and happy. I actively avoided thinking about the future because it made me spiral. But I was lucky enough to get help, consistent help from a doctor I clicked with, and it made a world of difference. I think younger me would be disappointed at how mundane my life is, but I’m thrilled to be boring because boring means no life-upending mood episodes. I have a happy partnership and two delightful kids and I couldn’t ask for more.

What are your thoughts on religion? I’m not religious and my own experience being raised in the Catholic church was frankly traumatic, but I know that it’s a source of comfort and community for many others and I think that’s awesome for them.

Do you think that there are aliens out there? I think so, although I think that we may not even know what other kinds of life to look for and may not recognize it even if we find it.

What’s something that’s been on your mind recently? We’re moving cross-country in less than a month (driving, no less, nearly 5000 km) and I still have so much to do to get ready aosjdoajdoasijdoaijsd

[madonna-la-cardinalessa]

Another tag by my beautiful friend @tiffany-of-wales which I am glad to do finally :D

Flower tag:

jasmine; what mythical creature do you wish actually existed? 

Unicorns. And I also believe that what we call mythical creatures once did exist and somewhere still do.

lavender; soundcloud or vinyls? 

May I say CDs instead? I always like to have a CD booklet and like own the CD, putting it in my cupboard and say “ Look, I own this.” – not only on an online platform.

 primrose; what book does everyone right now need to read? 

Hmmm. Everyone? I do not think every book if for everyone but I recommend classics from Goethe, Schiller, Lessing and Shakespeare.

 lunar mist; do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets? 

I share some clothes with my mom. But if I had a boyfriend rn I would love to cuddle in his hoodies at times I think^^”

 bird of paradise; what was the best thing that happened to you this month? 

That I finished my bachelor’s thesis. I learned so much and I hope the work was worth it so that I pass it and get a good mark!

 gardenia; what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself? 

That I will try to get things done now that I have time during Corona.

 lion’s fairytale; would you rather be the sky, the ocean or the forests? 

Forests!

whirling butterflies; would you kiss the last person you kissed again? 

Definitely not Ö.ö

marmalade skies; do you plan your outfits? 

Yes!

 apricot drift; how do you feel right now?

Bored. I don’t like the current situation.

 everlasting daisy; what’s the last dream you remember having? 

Omg this night I dreamed sm shit, I swear. I was horse riding at night in the forests (no sane soul would do that lol) and found a deserted planetarium.

queen’s cup; what are you craving right now? 

Getting a good mark on my bachelor’s thesis xD Oh, and I hope that I will be able to visit Rome this year – we had to cancel the Rome trip that was planned in a week for obvious reasons..

 lavender dream; turn ons/offs? 

Dangerous vibes/ being clingy and/or wimpy.

 water lilly; when was the last time you cried? 

Last week I think. Maybe the one before that.

 lily of the valley; did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize?

No.

 winterberry; do you bite or lick your ice cream? 

Depends, actually I do both.

 honey perfume; favorite movie ever? 

Hände weg von Mississippi (2007), Die Wilden Hühner (2006), most Studio Ghibli movies.

 desert rose; do you like yourself? 

Yes, I do.

 snapdragon; have you ever met or seen in person a celebrity? 

Yes, I did.

 night owl; how many countries have you visited? 

Only 5.

heliotrope; have you ever been in a castle?

Many, many times. I love visiting castles and monasteries.

 creams and sky; what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done? 

Riding nearly every day into the woods with my high speed thoroughbred? xD Does that count? My girl is FAST.

 lantana; what’s on your mind right now? 

My horse Poly <3

 pumpkin patch; what’s your zodiac sign?

I’m a Capricorn.

 tulip; name 5 facts about yourself.

1. Even though I may look like it, I am no party girl at all.

2. Since childhood I had to deal with envy towards me which is why I never had many friends.

3. My best friend and I broke up several times – we’re both stubborn but we love each other a lot.

4. My love for history started with a documentary I watched when I was about 14. It was about vampirism in the balkan states. And it manifested with watching “The Tudors”, since then I knew that I wanted to study history – and now I do.

5. Without my friend Sandy I would have never settled down in church history during the Renaissance.

 daphne; do you believe in karma?

Absolutely.

 queen of the meadow; ever been in love?

Never with a person from this time period, no. I hope I will in near future tough.

 wisteria; whom do you admire and why?

People who don’t spend their time with overthinking what other people might think of them.

 angel’s face; what was your favorite bedtime story as a child?

The tales my father invented for me.

 remember me; did you make someone laugh today?

My dog when I offered him a bit of my banana.

 iris; do you believe in ghosts?

Yes.

 lilac; if you could go back in time which time period would you visit?

That is hard. Renaissance Italy sure is fascinating but 17th century Europe comes to my mind more often, it’s weird.

 caramel kisses; would you want to live forever? why/why not? 

Maybe not living forever, But I would not mind at all staying young and beautiful as long as I live xD

 primula; what makes you sad?

What mankind does to the world, to the earth to it’s creatures: plants and animals. I think we deserve to suffer and die out.

 rain lily; was today typical? why/why not?

No, since everything is upside down thanks to Corona.

 queen anne’s lace; who do you trust the most?

Myself.

 Lady’s slipper; what did you have for breakfast today?

Toast with Nutella and fennel tea. <3.

 forget me not; do you have any regrets looking back in your life?

I wished I had done more social things during my teens. I was always studying and reading with my head in the clouds. I wonder how things would be different now when I had been in relationships earlier etc.

 lunaria; what’s your favorite fictional universe?

Torn between LOTR and Harry Potter.

 violet; favorite tv show?

Borgia, now and always.

 sunflower; share a favorite quote.

Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it.

 snowdrop; what does your ideal day look like?

Getting up early, go seeing my horse and take a long ride into the woods. The weather would be cold but sunny. After having a nice lunch with my mom I would relax in the afternoon and then go visiting my best friend, for dinner we would have sushi and watch a nice movie together like best friends do. When I got home I would watch an episode of Borgia to relax and then go to bed <3.

 tiger lily; do you have any hobbies?

Reading, writing, history, horse riding, dreaming…..

 peony; share a small random book passage that means something to you.

In Neil Gaiman’s Coraline when Coraline is about to find the last child’s soul and the other crazy old man says: “You’re too clever and too quiet for them to understand. They don’t even get your name right.” I feel that sm.

 tea rose; what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared?

Partying maybe? I am a very shy person and would feel uncomfortable but I am afraid I miss something always staying at home at night.

 honeysuckle; do you usually date people your age or older/younger?

Mostly about my age, but I like the guys to be older than me tbh.

 sweet pea; who means the world to you?

My horse Poly.

 love in the mist; best books you’ve ever read?

Actually I really enjoy Ludwig von Pastor’s History of the Popes. It may have it’s flaws but I it is really good researched and I appreciate all the notes and footnotes. Even though it’s academic literature it is still enjoyable to read.

 foxglove; who is your favorite cartoon character?

Sailor Moon! If that counts as a cartoon.

 magnolia; coffee or tea?

Tea, I have one right now.

 crown imperial; would you rather be extremely rich or extremely loved?

Can’t I have both?

 snowflake; are you a dog or a cat person?

I love both but probably more a dog person.

 bell flower; what is your biggest addiction?

History.

 cosmos; do you ever think about the galaxy?

Yes, we are so small, aren’t we? And yet mankind pretends to be so special and to know everything. How pitiful.

 moonflower; what’s your favorite color?

Fir Green.

 freesia; do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not?

I think so, yes.

 sundrop; are you a morning or a night person?

A morning person.

 poppy; have you ever dealt with a mental illness?

Yes, but I try to lock it inside.

 clover; how would your friends describe you?

Calm but clever.

 dandelion; do you consider yourself and extrovert or an introvert?

Introvert.

 lilly; what’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do?

In romance novels I am always waiting for the s*x passages lol xD Probably because this kind of thing is missing in my life atm xD

 anemone; describe yourself in 3 words.

Astute, spiritual, special.

 lotus; best memory as a child?

The holidays in Bavaria. Nothing was more beautiful.

 angelonia; what is your eye and hair color?

Smokey grey, blonde.

 dahlia; do you like crystals?

Yes.

 buttercup; if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?

Let everything bad for the environment disappear.

 baby’s breath; what’s your hogwarts house?

Slytherin.

 calendula; biggest pet peeve?

Pollution.

 blanker flower; would you rather go to a cocktail party with your best friends or stay home and read a book/watch a movie with your pet?

If you read everything till now you will now – stay home with my pet and watch a movie/read a book. xD

 blazing star; share a secret.

Why would I?

 carnation; would you rather live longer or happier?

Happier.

 petunia; who’s story is your biggest inspiration in life? why?

I stopped looking for rolemodels but try to live and be the best I can.

 bluebell; do you wear glasses?

Nope.

And I tag everyone who wants to do this :D

[bambamramfan]

____ aren’t fun

@oligopsalter mentioned the “games aren’t fun” thread from 2014, and that got me thinking on that topic again. When I first read SMG’s long takedown, I was very compelled by his arguments about fear, and capitalism, and consumption, but I didn’t really get his whole “games aren’t fun” thing. However since then, I’ve paid attention to that perspective and I’ve come around to it more, particularly as I’ve watched geek culture react to more games and more movies in a way that really disturbs me.

(An aside for a minute: when I say “geek culture” here I refer both to its left and right wings. While the incel types whining about Ghostbusters are more visible and more numerous, the social justice geek hype machine about the latest tabletop works in the same way.)

So the marketing departments of corporations and social media influencers have found a remarkable thing: if you get people talking a lot about a new product coming up, it will feed on itself and generate more chatter, and it will mildly boost sales. And due to the competition between “the ideal that’s in our heads” and “actual reality”, often it’s more fun to fantasize about what’s coming up. And this past decade, the “hype” for upcoming media has vastly outpaced anything like it before. I say this on the week a Star Wars trailer dropped over 8 months before the movie is coming out.

None of the above is new, but consider the way that reactions to major media properties can be broadly grouped into 3 categories (from smallest to biggest)

G1. The truly loved. These are games/movies that people like and genuinely stand the test of time. The boundary here is whether fans talk about them more after they come out than before, and whether discussions of them are about the actual work itself (quoting lines from the movie vs quoting box office stats.) This is rare for art overall, and only some works get this so the rarity of true quality isn’t a problem per se. In the geek sphere I am thinking of Fury Road, Overwatch, Breath of the Wild, Dark Knight, Star Trek (the initial reboot.) Of the MCU’s I would only count the first Iron Man and the first Avengers and Winter Soldier. Going back I would include the LOTR movies.

G2. The truly hated. These are games/movies that cause an explosion of outrage against them. (I’m not calling them bad necessarily; some of these are my favorite.) It’s not just that they fail to meet geek desire, but they also must bear the weight of months (years?) of anticipation by overly excited communities. The outrage against these failed products may be legitimate or not, but from an outsider it usually appears as grossly disproportionate. We’re talking the Diablo Immortal announcement, Endless Horizon, Duke Nukem Forever, Batman vs Superman, Star Trek: Into Darkness, and The Last Jedi. Going back I would include the Prequels. The extremely emotional nature of this reaction is what causes a lot of condescending analysis of “the geek community”, but that’s not what I am talking about today. At least it’s an emotion.

G3. The forgotten okay. Almost everything else falls into this middle ground. It would be wrong to call it mediocre - these are movies and games that when they come out are hailed as successes. They get positive reviews, big box offices, and the fans who see them are satisfied that “they got it right.” And then you barely ever hear from them again. No one ever talks about these “successful” properties. (Obviously not absolutely here, but relative to the above.) I’m talking about the majority of the MCU - including Black Panther, Captain Marvel, the other Iron Man movies, Infinity War, Spider-man Homecoming - but also Wonder Woman, the later seasons of Game of Thrones, the last book of Wheel of Time, and Star Trek: Beyond. (And videogames beyond counting, that after all was the purpose of the linked thread.) There’s always some pure plot-wiki-ization sifting of them (how will the Avengers defeat Thanos) in preparation for the next movie, but very little long term appreciation of it on its own. How quickly can you summon your favorite quote from Thor Ragnarok or even the Shape of Water?

This last group is becoming the majority of media produced for geeks. And there’s no explicit complaint about it. These products are in a constant state of being hyped, and once they happen, there is a very brief spurt of excitement, and then they go down the memory hole. Woops! It’s Tsathoggua, benign satisfaction and contentment with no epiphany. I’m not even blaming the works under discussion here - some of the “forgotten okay” can be very interesting with a proper reading, but who does that?

So when only talking about the last group, and seeing how it has come to dominate the marketplace, I understand what “games (and movies) aren’t fun” means. I can’t even convey it to you, just - pay attention to how much you see hype for upcoming products, how much discussion there is on reddit or other forums, and look at how often no one mentions even the “good” ones again mere weeks after their release. It’s actually upsetting, and you’ll wonder why all your time was wasted.

In the linked thread, SMG was theorizing that the constant agitation-and-emptiness of G3 leads to the emotional build up that explodes in G2, in a vicious cycle where the only visible solution is to ask capitalist industries to give us yet more G2 that never truly satisfies us.

[blankdblank]

Forgotten

Prologue

All –

@himoverflowers, @theincaprincess, @aspiringtranslator, @sweeticedtea, @ggbbhehe4455, @thegreyberet, @patanghill17, @jesgisborne, @curvestrology, @alishlieb, @jogregor, @armitageadoration, @fizzyxcustard, @here2have-fun, @lilith15000, @marvels-ghost, @catthefearless, @imjusthereforthereads, @c-s-stars

Hobbit/LotR – @abiwim, @jotink78

X Thranduil - @evyiione, @sweetlytenacious25, @tigereyesf

Four years later and your feet landed on the station ground again wearing a pale blue dress with ¾ sleeves with black buttons down the front and a matching thin belt over your middle, exposed fully with your hair pulled back in a long loosely curled ponytail. Walking closer your smile grew as the smiling Bur Brothers who each moved closer to give you large hugs welcoming you back home again and claiming your bags once again before driving you back to the usual diner where you eased into the same booth as always between the pair. Nearly everyone stole a chance to stare at you taking in the small shifts in your features they had once found so unflattering on you before, traits that only added to the fact you were so far from what a Dwarf would find attractive.

Settled back into your usual menu habits you ate ignoring the stares reaching up once again to brush back your beaded bangs behind your slightly pointed ear and glancing up to spot the Li Brothers strolling in from their first visit home from University only to trip over a set of chairs before you broke your gaze. Straightening up again they set the table and chairs right again before turning to claim their normal table with their Cousins who all stared at you as they passed before their Uncles and Aunt dropped in and froze before turning to walk to your table.

Her smile grew with a soft gasp as she said, “Jaqi! You’ve-.” Her mouth was promptly covered by Thorin’s hand as he smiled saying, “Welcome back. We’ll be over there.” Practically dragging his Sister away after as he and the men behind him stole another glance at you.

..

Nothing had really changed, once again you were the center of attention with even the Elves’ lingering gazes taking each detail of your change. Once again through the days you’d found yourself back at work in the shop with Bifur and Bofur. Soon using your degrees and licenses to expand on their business to include tractors and other heavy machinery along with large ships and their motors that required the purchasing of the lot next door with a dock on the side for ships to park their for maintenance. 

With your hungry mind ‘you could have done or been anything’, that’s what everyone always said, but all you wanted was to go home. Back to the two men who loved you as their own and accepted everything about you. So the day you opened your shop the Brothers were thrilled, including the elder Durins who now had a shop in town they could use their skills to help the small farming and fishing village to maintain their machines that helped them keep their livelihood.

With your first day you were flooded with work, a work load soon eased with the Durins pooling together to help you through it, all while another mini bomb was being dropped. The town diner was being shut down leaving only the town pub, that would soon take the weight of the cooking and social mingling for the town as the diner was being traded for an extension for the town’s Doctor/Vet’s offices. Soon enough with all the changes you were swept back out of focus while news bubbled back from the universities. Kili, Dis’ baby boy had gone off and fallen hard for the next Elleth in his long string of them, while Fili had found himself a steady girlfriend who could put up with his hectic law school schedule.

…

Softly rain trickled down over the surface of the lake behind your shared cottage in your fourth lap across the vast stretch. For all the work your town had given you they at least understood your need for a break leading to them holding their repairs for weekdays when possible. So your weekends were left to you to do as you pleased, mostly being either reading, or in the latest days finding out that your godfathers were attempting to hide their girlfriends’ leaving in the morning after ‘sneaking in’, only their nights were far from unnoticed by you without any trace of Elf standard soundproofing. Their beloveds were free on Fridays, so Saturday mornings you would pull on your swimsuit and shorts tying your hair back on the path to the lake.

You weren’t the best swimmer but you could pull off a tolerable freestyle when not being timed at least. On your path across the lake in the darkness between the moon sinking and the sun beginning to rise a glint of blonde hair in the window of the manor across from your shared cottage appeared in the stolen moments you took to inhale. Once again he stole a glimpse of the strange Elleth living amongst Dwarves, one who none in the town would delve too greatly into your personal past, but yet still remaining somehow close to him without so much as a word shared. Alone he lived seeming to enjoy the silence, but not the irritation at reactions to his joint venture along with the town Vet who did greatly need the space to improve their single room shops, now improved to a staggering three each.

Even though it was a hated decision, it did ease the traffic flow problems for both aiding in the healing of the animals and townspeople. Evenings he seemed to always be up and wandering, adoring the moon and starlight, just as you did at least until you began swimming. No matter what his eyes would be trained on you in your path, however his gaze seemed to be far more distant as his mind wandered to who knows where in your steady movements, at least until he had to leave for work. The silent agreement you bore to allow the other their peaceful mornings was held at least until you had returned to work later that day out of sheer boredom.

.

A crash sounded when a group of curly haired boys came running through the shop giggling as they pretended their action figures were battling out against some foe only to end with them bumping into a row of shelves that splintered when colliding with the tractor you were working on. The largest piece fell slicing through the top of your left forearm knocking it into the frame of the engine hold on the tractor you were inspecting.

In their freezing wide eyed at the damage they had caused as their guardian, a brunette in a button down shirt tucked into his clay stained jeans darted inside calling out, “Boys!” In a glance over the men in the shop he missed Frerin’s darting to your side subtly wrapping a clean towel around your bleeding wound, “I am so sorry! I will pay for the damages!”

Dwalin shook his head stating, “Nah, nothing past a few far from useful shelves anyways. Needed replacing, did us a favor really.” Using his body to block your injury from sight.

Wetting his lips he watched Frerin grin at him then add, “You know, we’re late for lunch actually, should just catch Bofur from the wood shop to order another.”

Thorin behind a bare engine wiped his hands on a cloth from his pocket asking far more anxiously than he hoped, “How can we be of service?”

In a half turn the Hobbit motioned his hand to the van outside, “It started making this knocking sound a few miles back, and started smoking just down the street.”

Thorin nodded feeling the man’s eyes on him in his walk to the van mumbling as he watched the last bit of smoke escaping through the cracks in the hood, “Hmm.” When he raised the hood he felt the man at his side ignorantly peering in at the engine missing your being led down the street with bound arm fixed safely in Frerin’s hands to the empty clinic.

The silver painted office echoed with the sound of the bell above the door announcing you and drawing the familiar blonde from the back office as a brunette aid stood with lips parted at the blood soaked cloth between Frerin’s hands.

With a weak smile you locked eyes on the Doctor in his path to you as he asked, “What exactly should I expect here?”

Frerin squeezed through the doorways along with you into the first office, there you sat on the chair and rested your wounded arm above the sheet the aid set out as you said, “Some boys ran through the shop, knocked over some shelves, cut me.”

He nodded while you eyed his framed diploma on the wall reading ‘Oropher Greenleaf’ and stated, “Metal shelf?”

Frerin shook his head, “No, old wood shelves.”

Oropher listed the supplies he would need that the eager aid hurried to collect for him. Tenderly Frerin eased his hands back allowing Oropher to fold back the towel with one hand while his gloved hand moved to shift your arm finding the bleeding now mostly stopped. Another glove was added and the pliers were claimed to start removing the few splinters revealed as the aid sprayed some saline in the cut, once clean he gave you a numbing shot and started to stitch the cut as he stated, “Not that bad of a wound. Appeared far worse than it was through the rag, though it usually does.”

Weakly you chuckled saying, “Didn’t really hurt, just had to sneak out so we wouldn’t scare the boys.”

While he reached halfway through the cut his eyes darted up to your face and he asked, “Have you lived here long?” Your eyes met his and he added with a weak chuckle, “My grandson must be nearly your age.”

“Nine years, give or take. Just turned twenty.”

He nodded and chuckled, “He is sixteen. So eager to be off to school already. My son can barely keep him focused through dinner past his planning for it.”

You weakly chuckled then stated, “Give him a couple weeks away from home, he’ll realize how badly he misses it.” His eyes met yours smiling softly as you did, “Graduated early, went off to trade schools, had to come back. Nowhere else felt right, plus, I missed the quiet.”

Oropher chuckled lowly looking to your arm to finish the stitches off with a secure knot, “Some people rarely appreciate silence. I think I just might be able to convince my son just yet that some silence might be exactly what he needs to recover from the hospital he got hired at.”

“You don’t miss the city?”

He grinned, “I miss our home. My wife, we lived there for, what seemed like ages. A cousin was sailing and left us the house his gran left him, she would loved it, all under the stars.” His sentimental gaze dropped to the tray again as he turned to get another syringe and a vial of antibiotics he filled then injected into your arm before coating the stitches with some cream and a bandage he covered with a wrap. Then stated while his eyes locked on the silver in your eyes understanding how he felt at ease with you recognizing it from his wife’s easing his smile out again. “I will write you a prescription for antibiotics and a painkiller.”

“I should be fine without the pain meds.”

He chuckled again, “Alright. You know where I live if you change your mind.” You nodded and he stood removing his gloves to fetch his prescription pad while easing the pen in his pocket out through his aid cleaning up and taking the bloodied towel with him.

“Thank you.” You stated by the door and gained another smile from the man as he watched you leave through the door making the bell sound again while he settled on dropping by on you gradually to watch how you healed.

.

Out of the clinic you walked to the pub, where Drarn greeted you happily. Moving from his usual spot behind the bar to bring you a set of sodas asking for your orders and grinning at your sticking to your usual experimental order as one of the few in town to not complain of his non dwarfly tendencies to include spices and seasonings to his recipes. After you returned with the usual sandwiches for the others you both froze in the doorway spotting Thorin still leaning over the hood of the van, tools in hand, with the Hobbit beside him as Dwalin kept the boys occupied showing them how to properly oil and clean their bikes that were in the back of the van.

At the tractor again you nearly laughed aloud hearing the Hobbit state after patting Thorin’s arm timidly, “I am always so fascinated by engines and complicated mechanisms.” A once over the shop away from the stunned Thorin, who was still staring directly and helplessly at the Hobbit, later the Hobbit asked, “How big a job do you imagine this would be?”

A stammered estimation was given and the rest of the van was emptied into Dwalin’s truck outside to give the family a lift to their new cottage nearby. In their absence Thorin burst into a panicked frenzy exerting the energy from the Hobbit’s overly physical attentions to him for the short visit leaving his mind in a spree of expectations and hopes at a possible attraction to him. For all his strengths Thorin had never been the calmest in romantic situations and the first steps were especially the hardest.

By late afternoon, upon returning home, Thorin and Frerin spotted the moving van full of Dwarves. Once cocky in their second stop for lunch along the way, now flinching back at the shouts of the Hobbit carried across the fields about not having any cooking or eating supplies to feed his boys leaving them in a scramble to unload the truck, not realizing there were children involved in the move.

The morning after a long walk later with the boys at his sides on their bikes with wagon of supplies behind him, it ended at the empty forge long since empty when the previous owner had left. With keys in hand he unlocked the door eyeing the run down forge behind dust coated glass walls showing glimpses of the street outside.

With the door open Bilbo led the boys in scrubbing the place from top to bottom before another truck rolled down the street. Little by little shelving kits were left inside while scattered boxes of supplies and packed sculptures both complete and in progress were unloaded. Unpacked fully the truck left while Bilbo began inspections on the forges and made a few small repairs before he turned to the first of the shelf kits and sighed realizing he’d not have time to assemble them that night. A knock on his door frame made him turn catching the B brothers in the doorway with their workers and eager smiles through Bofur asking, “Just the shelves to assemble?”

Bilbo’s lips parted and he stated, “I, I can’t afford-.”

Bifur waved his hand, “Not many people moving in these days. Just trucks moving out.”

Bofur nodded motioning his crew in with another grin, “Have to keep an eye out for our neighbors around here.” Bringing a smile to the Hobbit’s face as he joined in on the assembling and arranging as best he could. By days end the shelves were filled and his small shop was ready for him to continue his sculpting the next day helping to meet his deadline for his latest show.

…

Morning came and brought with it curious stares of the five Hobbits in town to peer out the kitchen windows spotting you in shorts and a sweater on a stroll around the edge of the lake’s edge in your inability to swim. Each day brought more and more chances for Bilbo and Thorin to see one another, but one after another they were interrupted by the boys or guys from the shops leaving them distantly staring at one another pining for the day they could be something more. An uncommonly empty morning you sat in the cottage after the night out from the brothers had granted you the cottage to yourself, a couple days after getting your stitches. Over tea you stared aimlessly at your finished oatmeal bowl until a knock sounded on the glass paned door revealing the Doctor with medical bag in hand.

Weakly you smiled at him taking the bowl to the sink as you did, and opened the door to hear him saying, “Miss Pear, I wished to give your arm a once over. Thought I might spare you the trip to the clinic to avoid the boys seeing.”

Stepping aside you asked, “Would you like some tea?”

With a soft grin he replied, “That would be lovely, thank you.”

Another mug was poured and he entered claiming a seat at the table where you set his mug then watched as you grabbed the bowl of sliced fruit in the fridge you set between you to snack on as he unwrapped your arm once you had sat down. “I didn’t think you did house calls.”

He chuckled saying, “I thought I’d make an exception for you. We are neighbors and all.”

Carefully he pressed his fingers around the cut noticing it had healed just as quickly as he had hoped by his past experiences with his wife, son and grandson’s healing times stirring his grin to widen, “I don’t usually take long to heal.”

He shook his head, “I’d think not.” Your brow rose, “You remind me of my wife is all. Her kin rarely take past a couple of days to heal minor wounds.”

Softly you asked, “I remind you of your wife?”

At your timid tone he chuckled and stated, “Merely a few traits I’ve noticed from afar, please don’t misunderstand me, you are breathtaking, however when my Taule returns from her excavation trip, been a rough few years without her, you might get to see a few of them yourself when she visits on her days off from the city.”

In an even softer tone you repeated disbelievingly, “Breathtaking?”

His eyes met yours with brow raised catching your honest shock at the term, “Truly you must have grown around Dwarves to not realize. You are quite stunning by Elven standards, even if the Dwarves cannot or will not acknowledge it.”

A weak blush grew on your cheeks in your smile to yourself he chose not to point out, allowing you the time to let the truth sink in for you as he neglected to point out how flattered a man of his tolerable appearance would be normally to make a woman of your caliber smile like that. With scissors in hand he cut the stitches and eased the ends free to drop in your trash can you brought over for him before he added another layer of the cream saying with a grin, “Shouldn’t scar at all. Just keep up on the antibiotics to be safe.” You nodded and he cleaned up and relaxed through the rest of your tea, starting the first of years of random drop ins and offers of tea gaining him a firm friendship with you alone in this city.

Pt 2

[theteablogger]

Same shit, different day

Earlier this week, I received an email from Claire, one of the people who met Andy in Los Angeles. She’s the woman whom Andy complimented on her “trophy boyfriend”, who was actually Kyle Hill. She is also the person who first alerted Molly to the existence of the Andy awareness blogs. After another friend recognized him from LotR fandom and filled Molly in on some of his history, which led directly to Andy’s eviction from her home, Claire started looking for more information and found the AA blogs and tf-talk. 

On December 12, I posted about the “trophy boyfriend” incident and noted that Andy had in fact been aware of who Kyle was before that happened. Andy read the post and decided to reach out to Claire. She had blocked him on all of her accounts, or so she thought, but Andy looked around and realized that he was still able to contact her via her Facebook fan page, which she checks infrequently. On January 29, over a month after I made my post, he sent her the following message, which she didn’t see until this past weekend:

In the first line, Andy is referring to the days after he was evicted from Molly’s house, when he was trying to get Claire to meet with him and hear his side of the story. In her words:

I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt and believe those who say they have changed, or are trying to change, but there were just too many red flags with Andy for me to want to continue any contact at that point.

The meeting never took place.

Contacting someone to tell them he’s not stalking them, via the only account on which they’d forgotten to block him, more than seven months after they’d cut him off, actually does make Andy look a little bit like a stalker. I’m not saying that he’s stalking Claire and Kyle now, or that he was stalking them when he sent this message, or that he was stalking them last summer. I’m just pointing out the irony.

Also? I never said that Andy was stalking Claire and Kyle, or anyone else from that group of friends. Andy is concern-trolling, and he isn’t even being subtle about it.

What I actually said in my post was that in late spring/early summer, Andy had added a bunch of Molly’s friends on social media without ever having met them before, and had “thoroughly checked out” their accounts. I based this on Molly’s statement that he had done so as part of his attempt to insta-bond with her friend group. She further stated, “...he would speak about my friends, their lives and their interests and trials and tribulations as if they were very, very close friends [of his],” despite having had very little interaction with them on- or off-line. He’d only known Molly’s friends for about two weeks at the point that he was kicked out, and had only talked with the majority of them in group situations, so where did he get this information? From their social media, obviously. I would not and did not go so far as to call Andy’s social media trawling “stalking”, but I think that trying to use the information he found to create an illusion of intimacy with the group was very creepy, especially given all of his other questionable behavior at the time. Anyway, it’s extremely unlikely that he could have looked around to that extent without running into any of Kyle’s activity. 

I further commented that because Andy was a member of Project Alpha, which was streaming Kyle’s show as well as other content in which he appeared, Andy had probably seen him there. I still think this was a reasonable assumption, especially given that Andy’s pretext for suddenly realizing who Kyle was, was seeing him on Gather Your Party. 

Finally, I shared a screenshot of Andy retweeting a link to one of Kyle’s videos last April. This indicates that Andy had heard of Kyle over a month before he went to LA and started digging for information in Molly’s friends’ social media, at which point Kyle almost certainly would have come up on his radar again. It’s disingenuous to say that I extrapolated evidence of “stalking” from one little tweet, and I don’t believe Andy really thought I’d done that.

After assuring Claire that he wasn’t trying to re-establish contact (again, by sending her a message on the only account on which he wasn’t blocked) and describing my post in a misleading way, Andy said:

[The alleged accusation of stalking] frankly, would scare the shit out of me if I was you and I don’t want you to be and have never wanted you to be hurt.

This sentence was, in my opinion, an attempt to establish several things. Andy is sensitive and empathetic. Claire is (or ought to be) frightened by a supposed allegation that he might be stalking her. Andy cares about her and wants to protect her. And I, the anon blogger, am the real villain for causing Claire emotional distress in the process of trying to make Andy out to be the bad guy.

In the past, Andy has generally focused on how the “online rumor mill” or “pitchfork mob” is trying to destroy his life. A little over a year ago, he switched tactics, saying that CR fandom would be ruined for Meg if everyone didn’t back off and leave him alone. In other words, monitoring and reporting on Andy’s continued involvement with fandom was going to hurt his friend. (Meanwhile, other friends of his continued aggressively pushing the old narrative.) Now he’s claiming that pointing out his lies is harmful to the people he targeted, who have since cut him out of their lives!

He continued:

For whatever credibility I may have gained in honestly answering your questions this summer and in keeping our conversation private and keeping off social media, I give you my word that I honestly didn’t even click on that link.

Andy reminded Claire of how well-behaved he’d been--perhaps hoping that she’d forgotten how he sent Kyle a friend request days after the whole group cut off contact with him--and insisted that he didn’t actually watch the video that he retweeted. Okay. But my argument didn’t hang on whether he’d watched the video or not. The point, again, was that the tweet provided definitive proof that Andy was aware of Kyle and his show before he supposedly mistook him for a “trophy boyfriend”. It confirmed what I already had plenty of reason to suspect. Also, the date on that tweet wasn’t three months before he met everyone in LA, as Andy said; it was about seven weeks. Andy was kicked out of Molly’s house less than nine weeks after the tweet.

And unless you specifically invite it or our paths cross wholly coincidentally someday, that’s the last you’ll hear from me since the whole point is I DON’T want you afraid that I’m stalking you.

It was already evident that Andy wasn’t letting things go because he contacted Claire about my post in the first place. Here, he doubled down. Instead of just saying that he wouldn’t contact her again, he raised the possibility that she might want to reopen communication between them, or that they might “just happen” to run into each other. And he repeated that he didn’t want her to worry that he’s stalking her, when the circumstances in which he sent this message in the first place suggest otherwise. (Again, just noting the irony. I do not actually believe that Andy is stalking Claire or Kyle.)

Claire has read my post now because she googled it after receiving Andy’s message, but she hadn’t seen it before and certainly had not spent the last three months looking over her shoulder for Andy. As she put it:

This is unnerving for a few reasons - not only that he felt compelled to message me and defend himself on this matter (one which I wasn't even previously aware of), but that he sought out my fan page, the only medium on which I didn't have him blocked, and that he knew about your post to begin with, which shows that he still regularly checks the "awareness" blogs and/or googles his name, at least as recently as three months ago.  I was honestly content to let Andy fade into the reliquary of "that happened," but reading this set me on edge. Although he says it's not intention in his very first sentence, why even message me if he isn't trying to re-establish some sort of contact? 

Why, indeed.

Andy, just...stop it. While I don’t know Claire or any of her friends personally, I’ve talked enough with several of them to be aware that they’re not shy about confronting perceived threats to people they care about. If Claire had been afraid that you were stalking her, you would have heard about it and been told to back off. I think you know this perfectly well. Their actions upon finding out the truth about you last summer were a pretty big hint.

You need to respect people’s boundaries. If you have been told not to contact someone again, don’t fucking do it. Don’t look for any flimsy excuse to write to them. Don’t seek out avenues of communication that they’ve forgotten to close. Definitely don’t try to throw them off-balance with concern-trolling and manufactured empathy. Leave them alone. It’s that simple.

[miishae-archived]

Copied and pasted from an old rp blog of mine, that I feel is very important to read:

Question I was asked: ❝MAY I ASK SOMETHING ABOUT AUTISM AND THE COMMUNITY? I KNOW YOU CAN ONLY SPEAK FOR YOURSELF SO I WILL KEEP IT MORE CENTERED TI YOUR PERSONAL PREFERENCES AND WHAT YOU'VE SEEN TO BE A GENERAL CONSENSUS?❞

Not very many people are aware what Autism or even Autism Spectrum Disorder is. Honestly, I’ve seen a lot of people tend to think of it as “diaper wearing, drooling idiots”

I’m going to start off by talking about my own personality first, and why it should not be outright dismissed as being ‘oversensitive’.

I am on the spectrum disorder. I’m very high functioning, as in, I am able to live on my own, with a boyfriend. I’m able to work, I’m able to walk around in society without causing a disturbance. But just because I appear ‘normal’ doesn’t mean I am.

I’m very very awkward. I get emotional and burnt out really quickly, especially in social situations. I don’t like physical contact, and I don’t like people yapping at me constantly. This is sensory overload. I get tired and cranky, and a lot of times am seen as rude for this.

This is just the tip of the iceberg for how little people understand autism. I constantly have to point it out, because even my loved ones don’t understand me. I can talk to someone over and over about not touching me or shutting up for awhile and giving me some space, and they’d just ask me a lot of questions that really don’t need answering.

I don’t talk much, and it’s not because I’m shy or introverted. I was originally diagnosed with having Nonverbal Learning Disorder, and while I don’t know if that is an outdated diagnosis or not, it aptly describes my social skills still. Link

How it relates to me personally though: I suck at social cues. I suck at maintaining eye contact, I don’t read body language well, and I tend to be brutally honest to a fault. What I think is a reasonable and fair statement can come across as rude and offensive to someone else. It was not my intention to be rude, and since people would rather be offended and passive aggressive, I don’t know how else to word things and I’m sorry, but you need to work with me and not shut down on me. How else am I going to learn how to interact with you?

I’m also incredibly literal minded. I know on tumblr it seems like I’m sarcastic and witty, and I know I crack a lot of jokes, but you would not believe the amount of times I’ve had to go to someone off tumblr and ask “what did this person mean? I don’t understand.”

It’s literally because I don’t understand you. I don’t get a lot of metaphors or jokes, and everyone else will be laughing and I’m sitting over here like “I don’t get it?” and no one wants to explain the joke because “I mean, it’s obvious!” No, it isn’t. Not to me.

I also tend to get hung up on certain things for long periods of time. I hate change in my routine. I hate changing things up because honesty: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But as far as ‘obsessions’ go? Video games comes to mind. I could tell you all about the Borderlands series and how it’s a great game filled with fan-fucking-tastic characters and how it’s an entire world built on survival and it’s dystopian and cyberpunk and-

Or I could tell you when I was a kid and the LOTR moves first came out, I was obsessed with them. I launched into repeated lectures about how the behind-the-scenes worked, or how they did this camera trick, or why that scene was the best to film, and OH did you know Viggo Mortensen was not the original Aragorn? He was called in last minute and only came on because his son was a huge fan and pushed his dad into filming.

I know no one actually cares, but I still care. If you let me talk about something I care about, I will TALK.

This is just the personality side of autism. How ableism comes into play is very subtle. And everyone can be ableist. Friends and family who come to me asking to understand, only to say “okay cool” and forget about it ten minutes later.

I have friends who casually throw around the R-slur. I catch myself using it from time to time, and I’m desperately working to unlearn it. But that word is so heavily used by so many people, and it’s so insulting to hear it thrown around so casually. But worse than that are the people who actually use ‘autism’ as a slur.

“A guy complaining about being friendzoned? He’s autistic.”

“If you play Minecraft you’re autistic I don’t make the rules.”

First off, statements like these are annoying, because they lump a good majority of people into one category, and second off, it’s assumed that people who are autistic are drooling idiots.

There’s a reason it’s a fucking spectrum, okay? I know quite a few people who are on the spectrum, and I’ve heard of other people who are on the spectrum. Everyone has different levels of coping and living. I’m not my cousin, who does need help, because he can’t function on his own.

I’m probably worse off than someone who can hold a stable job and learn to drive and fully function, and I admit that I do need my hand held on some things.

It’s quite possible to unlearn your way of thinking. Quit throwing around slurs as insults. They’re insulting, and frankly, tired. If you want to insult someone, there are far more creative ways to do so.

But it’s not just insults that are the problem. It’s people not caring enough. It’s people who feel the need to speak over us. You don’t get to tell me what I can or can’t find insulting. Frankly, I can’t stand blanket “these words are ableist” lists, because more often than not, they’re written by neurotypicals who are trying to appear Woke™, except that they argue with actual NDs who disagree with their assessment.

Also, and this is a BIG ONE FOR ME

DO NOT ASSUME EVERYONE WITH AUTISM IS A CHILD. I am so tired of seeing mental health awareness posts right here on fucking TUMBLR, of all places, with messages for children. I am 33 years old. I’m so far from a child or even a teenager, and I feel like putting my hair in pigtails and wearing little jumpers every time I see one of these super condescending PSAs about mental health awareness or autism awareness. Adults with autism exist, please quit excluding us in your misguided efforts to raise awareness.

I do agree that it’s not my job to educate you. You can ask questions, and I can answer, but I’m not your encyclopedia source. There are tons of helpful links and websites you can go to learn more about autism, spectrum disorder, and anything else that might be linked.

That being said, don’t go the opposite direction and completely ignore its existence. By ignoring it, you’re only contributing to the rampancy that ableism is. It’s very real and very damaging. It’s big things, like me being denied food stamps in my state because they didn’t believe I was disabled and I couldn’t get proof without them wanting to assign a counselor and them wanting to thrust me into the working world anyway (which was the whole reason I mentioned I was autistic, because I need fucking help?) and little things like “You’re too sensitive, just deal with it.”

Ask questions. Look up resources. Not just for autism, but for anything related to mental health or physical health. Ableism is rampant in able-bodied people too. My brother in law is in a wheelchair and faces quite a bit of ableism himself.

All this being said, please please watch how you talk/interact with people. Much like I need to learn social cues and how to interact with you, You guys need to understand that my personality isn’t going to change. This is literally who I am, and who I always will be, so you have to be patient. You have to recognize that I’m trying, and I’m not perfect.

And most importantly of all I guess, we’re not disabled. We’re different. We think differently, and we act a little off. But we’re not bad people. Not all of us, at least. (There are people who play up the “I’m-disabled-be-nice-to-me card” and they should be held accountable for their horrible actions)

Personally, I’m trying. I’m tired, and exhausted, and lonely. I have next to nobody to rely on, and I know I have a lifetime of learning how to behave better ahead of me, and I’m just tired. but I’m still hanging in there, in the best way I know how: by being me. If I can educate myself and learn about how ableism is a problem, so can you.

[flammiferr]

The Hobbit Equation

Starting my reread, I questioned the workings of hobbits more deeply than before. I questioned what exactly the difference is between Bilbo (then later the four LOTR hobbits and to a lesser extent, Buckland) and the rest of the Shire that is so distasteful.

Here’s what I came up with. 

Most hobbits: simplicity + ignorance

The distasteful exceptions: simplicity + knowledge 

Ringbearers: knowledge - simplicity

Simplicity and ignorance is the rule of the Shire, at least near Hobbiton. You can see this in the culture, the dialogue, the narration, and the priorities. They value comfort and good food, party invitations and pipeweed. The entirety of the Shire gets caught up in Bilbo’s party. The post office is flooded and overwhelmed, food is essentially the central feature of any event and hobbit parents are willing to bend their rules if it means their children get a free meal. It’s only the Speech they dread.

Hobbits are simple. They want a simple speech. Before it even starts, the hobbits dread hearing Bilbo’s poetry, or his allusions “to the absurd adventures of his mysterious journey.” The hobbits don’t want knowledge of the outside world. They want to remain isolated for the sake of simplicity, but what they end up with is willful ignorance. They look down on Buckland, call its people strange, because they ride on boats like the outsiders and live unnaturally close to the Old Forest and the edge of the Shire. They live too near to danger, to knowledge that would change them. They don’t want to hear it, and they dismiss all who do as crazy and uncivilized. They blame Frodo’s parents for their own death because they tempted fate. They say Bilbo’s cracked and Frodo’s cracking. They make fun of Sam for learning from Bilbo and condemn Gandalf, an outsider, as a disturber of the peace. 

It is with Bilbo’s Speech that this silent battle comes to the forefront. This has been simmering the entire time Bilbo has been back, and now it is boiling over. The battle is Bilbo’s knowledge and complexity versus the Shire’s willful ignorance and simplicity.

After Bilbo greets the different families, the book reads, 

“Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today! ‘Hurray! Hurray! Many Happy Returns!’ they shouted, and they hammered joyously on the tables. Bilbo was doing splendidly. This was the sort of stuff they liked: short and obvious.”

But then the Speech starts to change. He says he has called them all here for a “Purpose,” with a capital P. This is when some of the Tooks begin to listen carefully. Because Bilbo is deviating from the norm. Something about how he says this implies something new. This is a sign of Bilbo’s Speech going off the rails, and a reference to the “Took-ish spirit” of Bilbo’s that leapt at the chance for adventure all those years before. The Tooks pick up on the change, and they are interested.

Bilbo then announces that he has Three Purposes, and each one is more unacceptable than the last. The First is well received at its beginning (flattery is easy to understand), but then it becomes too complex. The hobbits are confused and unsettled. Thrown off, and made to think.

“Indeed. for Three Purposes! First of all, to tell you that I am immensely fond of you all, and that eleventy-one years is too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits. Tremendous outburst of approval. 

I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. This was unexpected and rather difficult. There was some scattered clapping, but most of them were trying to work it out and see if it came to a compliment.

Secondly, to celebrate my birthday. Cheers again. 

Bilbo returns to the simple, and receives a positive response. They are easy to forgive this short complexity, because they don’t want to think too hard about it. They are ready to move on and are still happy to be filled with good food.

“I should say: OUR birthday. For it is, of course, also the birthday of my heir and nephew, Frodo. He comes of age and into his inheritance today. Some perfunctory clapping by the elders; and some loud shouts of ‘Frodo! Frodo! Jolly old Frodo,’ from the juniors. The Sackville-Bagginses scowled, and wondered what was meant by ‘coming into his inheritance’.

Now he alludes to what is about to happen. He is not only celebrating Frodo; he is setting up his imminent inheritance of Bag End, which of course is noticed by the Sackville-Bagginses. This is a transition from Bilbo to Frodo narratively as well. We followed Bilbo in The Hobbit, and now we will follow Frodo through The Lord of the Rings. We see that Frodo is liked by his peers, just as Bilbo once was. But the hobbits are more suspicious of Frodo because of his upbringing with the changed Bilbo. But Frodo still has his simplicity. He can balance well the simplicity of the Shire and the complexity of Bilbo. He knows how to mediate between them. Bilbo has shared his knowledge with Frodo, and Frodo does not yet have the Ring (something that will take away childlike simplicity). But the Ring is part of his inheritance, both literally and narratively. He is bound to the same fate, and the hobbits notice this as the years pass. (I’m getting ahead of myself; more about the Ring later). Frodo is still in love with the Shire, and the Shire accepts him, because he still has simplicity. He is popular: smart, adaptable, and open.

“Together we score one hundred and forty-four. Your numbers were chosen to fit this remarkable total: One Gross, if I may use the expression. No cheers. This was ridiculous. Many of his guests, and especially the Sackville-Bagginses, were insulted, feeling sure they had only been asked to fill the required number, like goods in a package. ‘One Gross, indeed! Vulgar expression.”

Here, some of Bilbo’s feelings come through. He has been isolated so long from hobbit society that he no longer sees them the same way. One Gross: an expression not meant for describing people (as stated earlier in the chapter). These hobbits, his relatives, are no longer his people. Except for Frodo. He and Frodo are now the only people he knows. He is setting them aside from the general populace. And it is this populace, these people present, that he wants to send a message to. And these hobbits are now both unsettled and angered, now even most of the Tooks. Bilbo, no longer caring what they think of him, is committing social suicide before he leaves just so he can finally challenge their way of life.

“It is also, if I maybe allowed to refer to ancient history, the anniversary of my arrival by barrel at Esgaroth on the Long Lake; though the fact that it was my birthday slipped my memory on that occasion. I was only fifty-one then, and birthdays did not seem so important. The banquet was very splendid, however, though I had a bad cold at the time, I remember, and could only say ‘thag you very buch’. I now repeat it more correctly: Thank you very much for coming to my little party. Obstinate silence. They all feared that a song or some poetry was now imminent; and they were getting bored. Why couldn’t he stop talking and let them drink to his health? But Bilbo did not sing or recite. He paused for a moment. 

Thirdly and finally, he said, I wish to make an ANNOUNCEMENT. He spoke the last word so loudly and suddenly that everyone sat up who still could. I regret to announce that -- though, as I said, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to spend among you -- this is the END. I am going. I am leaving NOW, GOODBYE!

He stepped down and vanished.

Bilbo has felt since his adventure that he has been keeping a secret: the secret of culture, history, the Ring, adventure. Knowledge that he has been trying to share for years, but the hobbits have been willingly blind and deaf to it. This creates an unhappy dichotomy -- a tension that Bilbo releases in his Speech. He literally SHOUTS his differences at the hobbits, going through the list of what they think is unacceptable or what they don’t like. He has everything in this speech: complex words, references to adventure and foreign places, ‘One Gross.’ And when he does this, even though they’ve been insulted, they pass it off as just mad old Bilbo. Because that is easier than examining it. But there is unrest; the hobbits are upset that he made them think. For a brief moment, they are speechless. Frodo gives them a simple explanation they can accept, but for a while, they are still disturbed; even good food will not satisfy them. Bilbo has succeeded in briefly challenging their way of thinking. But then the hobbits blame Gandalf, an outsider, and decide that Bilbo must have fallen in a pool or river and died. A normal way of dying -- his adventure cut short with a realistic end, as a warning to any who might also get such silly ideas. They want things to be simple as they always were, but Bilbo is on a different level; all of his knowledge, his complexity, made him an outcast. One side has to give.

Bilbo has lost both his simplicity and his ignorance, and thus cannot stay in the Shire. He no longer belongs. There is no place for him. Frodo, as the years pass after the party, also begins to lose this belonging, and often regrets not going with Bilbo. He knows things about the world, he knows that great and terrible things are out there. That knowledge becomes a burden in the Shire, where no one else knows or cares; just like the simplicity and ignorance of Sam, Merry, and Pippin are initially an obstacle for them in navigating the world outside. But Frodo is different. Wheras Sam, Merry, and Pippin have a hard time because they still belong to the Shire, Frodo has a hard time in the Shire because he’s starting not to belong. What is different about him, then, that Sam, who was also taught by Bilbo, does not share? 

The Ring, the sinister part of Frodo’s inheritance. Part of Frodo’s dissatisfaction may also come from his personality, but the Ring is an instrument for the loss of simplicity. It creates dissatisfaction, the want for more. It twists who you are, and you lose your innocence. This is the thing that drove Gollum, another hobbit-like creature, away from his own people. The longer Frodo carries the Ring, the more he forgets about the simple things. As he gets closer to Mordor, and the Ring becomes stronger, we get this dialogue from Frodo: “I can't recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass.” This is eerily similar to what Gollum experienced under the mountains, where the Ring had so long to corrupt him.

“And we wept, Precious, we wept to be so alone. And we only wish to catch fish so juicy sweet. And we forgot the taste of bread... the sound of trees... the softness of the wind.”

This quote is a close echo of Frodo’s (or rather, vice versa). The Ring works to separate you from comfort, to go against your nature. For the simple hobbits, this is good food, nature, and especially companionship. This is why Frodo would have failed without Sam and his loyalty. Sam not only reminded him of these simple things (with his yet intact simplicity); he refused to leave Frodo even when the Ring tried to drive Sam away.

Eventually, even Sam, who also bore the Ring however briefly, feels the need to leave the Shire and sail like Frodo and Bilbo did. Frodo and Sam are the only two that listened to Bilbo’s stories and poetry as children. They had that knowledge from early on, and the Ring took away their childlike simplicity.

Merry and Pippin are different. They retain their simplicity throughout the story and beyond. Their shared connection of simplicity with the Shire allows them to become excellent leaders with the knowledge and experience that they gained. This difference and growth is highlighted in the Scouring of the Shire, when the hobbits take charge and Merry blows the horn of Rohan in response to Sandyman. I’ll get into this when I get to the end of my reread.

Finally, we’ll look at the Grey Havens. This is where Merry and Pippin most show their difference from Frodo and Sam. After Frodo leaves, Sam is comtemplative, sorrowful, and silent (though he can still delight in his family). Merry and Pippin walk back to the Shire singing. They are still joyful, mature and yet childlike (as opposed to the childish ignorance of the Shire previously). They still have their simplicity and, after the Shire has been so rocked, can bring their knowledge to the changed Shire in a subtle way. Because it was by the hobbits’ ignorance that they were susceptible to Saruman.

Merry and Pippin have been built up by their adventures, they have grown (literally and figuratively) and give off an aura of competence but also an aura of joy. They adapted to the world beautifully. Frodo and Sam were torn down by their adventures, Frodo so much so that he can no longer find peace in Middle Earth, while Sam can still be rebuilt by his family and his own rebuilding of the Shire itself. By restoring the nature of the Shire, he restores a bit of that simplicity in himself, until his own time to sail.

To conclude (at last), the proper growth of a hobbit is from childish to childlike: something Frodo achieved before even leaving the Shire. He experienced negative growth with his loss of simplicity, and thus, like Bilbo, was no longer able to stay in the Shire. He did, however, go a bit more quietly than Bilbo, whose Speech was the manifestation of the dichotomy of ignorance vs. knowledge, and a measure of how the Shire needed to change. So this is the hobbit equation: simplicity and ignorance, or simplicity and knowledge. The Ring takes one away from their nature, and they become un-hobbitlike, like Gollum became un-hobbitlike. Theirs is a healing that can now only come from the peace of Valinor.

(This has gotten abhorrently long. I’ll continue building on this idea as I go through the books, along with my other thoughts and theories. Hope you enjoyed! )

[10000badframes]

My Controversial Movie/TV Opinions

- Revenge of the Nerds was a piece of garbage when it was made, and has aged like garbage does: messily, with lots of bad odors. - I am glad that there were three Hobbit movies. It was always my favorite Tolkien story, and it amused and frustrated me to see the same people who bitched about LotR 'only' being three movies ("IT SHOULD BE TWELVE") suddenly pivoting and saying that having three Hobbit movies was a shameless money grab. Calm the calamity in your mammaries. - Return of the Jedi was really fun and I enjoyed watching it a lot. Zero objections to Jabba's Palace or Ewoks, though I do prefer the pre-2000s version. I also read the Jabba's Palace Star Wars book until the cover fell off. - Agents of SHIELD was best when Joss Whedon stuck to what it started out as, which was a transparent Firefly remake. He just wants to get his shady captain and badass lady first mate and lady-dude scientist pair and strong-jawed heavy and mysterious waif back on that ship. (He never did re-find his Book. Or a way to treat women decently, apparently.) - Also, Community never had a season past the third one, there were only three Indiana Jones movies, only six Star Wars movies so far (counting Rogue One,) and Great British Bake Off was only ever hosted by Mel and Sue. Fight me. - Also-also, Harry Potter should've been animated right from the start. By me. - I hated Blade Runner. I even watched the much-lauded director's cut on my first viewing, and still, I hated it. It was overlong, intellectually wanky, sort of rapey, and boring. - The best ever movie about hacking is Sneakers, hands down. Most realistic depiction of social engineering to this day, and fantastically progressive as a bonus. Friends who've never heard of this film go slack-jawed when I tell them the cast: Robert Redford! River Phoenix! Mary McDonnell! Dan Aykroyd! Sidney FUCKING Poitier! - Monsters University is one of the best ever Pixar films, and I will seriously throw down with anyone who tries to tell me it's bad. Tell me others are better, sure, that's your opinion. Mine is that it's one of the top three, if not the best.

[ts-hvv4]

EPISODE ONE: “GAMERS NEVER STOP GAMING” - SHARIFA

As castaways got to know each other, or catch up with old cast mates, the inactivity of others set the wheels in motion for a vote off.

WOW! Season 93 holy cow. This season has started out to be anything but normal. Within my tribe, I’ve played with 5/9 members previously - which is not what I expected. I’m extremely nervous about Ricky and Emma because based off our calls and chats, they’re worried about past drama from Easter island and other ORGs being a factor in our relationships. I’m trying to let go of everything but they seem to disagree. I’ll make a more in depth review of my tribe at a later time!

Ok, so so far I've spoken with a few people. Birch, Keegan, Cheatham, Olivia, Ned, Kurt and Trent. I'm feeling Kurt and Trent so far, Kurt I found out through him we've know each other from possibly an old mini or something, and Trent we have the same interests. So far so good. I know Chris, we had a great bond back in the day but it doesn't mean we will here. Me and Emma used to talk but I saw she recently unfriended me so...and Sarah I love her, Andreas I hope is the same Andreas because I miss him. Matt I lowkey want to meet because distance wise he's the closest to me, so we could maybe bond about similar areas and such, and he seems cool. I may have more to same later but this is how I feel right now!

I cannot believe I was uber nervous last night! I have no clue why either, guess it was because it was a lot at one time and like seeing others say it was a super strong cast was a lot. Given I just got into this community like a month ago I think I was able to see my biggest obstacle will be getting to somehow squeeze in and be comfortable since I am like extremely shy ahhhhhh

* a little while lateR*

A lot of my tribe seemed really cool! Dennis I feel the closest to already and then Andreas was so nice to keep me informed on things. Matt is also like the bombdiggity, Sarah is a sassy omelette, Kage is like the second coming of Shaggy Rogers, Ricky/Niklas I look forward to talking to more and the others I hope to talk to some more but because I woke up 10 minutes ago my memory sucks

WHY TF IS MATT SUMMERS HERE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Anyways I like everyone on my tribe. Birch is once again making friendship bracelets (they never sent out the ones they made in tashirojima lmao) and everyone is so enamored and I’m just like yep mhm. I’m getting along well with Ned, Keegan, and Kurt. Sharifa and I finally have a good dialogue going this morning and I really like her but she’s won like twice and I know trent has her high on his kill list for that. Malik and I finally talked today more which was nice. Cheatham seems cheeky and we talked a little bit not much and I’m really dropping the ball with Jake I feel bad like I def need to talk to him but agh it’s so hard trying to keep up with nine people lmao. It’s like birch and I are just going through the motions like we don’t even know what to say really other than hi how’re you I’m good thanks bc of all we went through in the game we just played. I wish I could vote them out so I wouldn’t have to deal with all those emotions. Also I’m very distressed about matt summers being here he probably doesn’t even remember me but oh sweet jesus GC was so horrible for me and I don’t hate him or anything but he double idoled me out like why tf did he have to be here 😭😭

Malik is not a lotr fan rip him

Alright, I've had some time to sleep on this game and I have some early thoughts. I think yesterday I put my guard up to soon. This season I am going to be more cool, calm, and collected then I have in previous seasons. I know I have a past with some people, who I really don't trust. I think it would be stupid for my narrative to be based around drama that occurred 5 years ago when I was 17, so I am going to be the bigger person here and hope other people aren't.

Last night a couple people jumped on call. This included Kage, Matt, Sarah, Emma, Chris, Ricky, and I. The call brought me right back to 2015 - it was wild. We kind of had a little chat about our past games. Anyways, then Ricky out of the blue brings up my FTC in Easter Island - a season which had so much tension. There were two sides - My Alliance and Ricky's alliance. Ricky's alliance pretty much maintained control of the game the entire game, and seventeen year-old Andreas was salty about it. I thought it was interesting he did that..... it concerns me he may still be mad at me for things that happened five years ago.

*Andreas walks away from the camera, does a big sigh and plops himself back down on the rock*

Time for a review of my tribe: 

 Sarah - LOVE OF MY LIFE!!! Sarah and I go back way far in Bangladesh. We spent my entire game together where she blindsided me. Since then, we've become great friends and I even flew to Vancouver to meet her IRL. She's my #1 in this game for sure. 

 Kage - Eastern Canadian King! I met Kage in Great Lakes where we didn't see eye-to-eye in a game sense but got along on a personal level. The GL cast remains one of my fav casts I've ever played with and I'm excited to meet this new Kage.

 Emma - Emma is a dangerous player. Every game I've ever played with her, aside from Jordan Pines, she has done me so dirty. After the last game we played, my guard is really up with her, so I am going to try to not get too wrapped in her web.

 Ricky - Not sure how he feels about me, I would like to work with him because he is smarter then people give him credit for. Hopefully it all works out between us. 

 Chris - I like Chris. I think Chris is buttering me up though, not sure if he really wants to work with me or this is all an act. Either way, he has made it clear he has no connections and is a hero so he for sure someone I'd like to go far with :) 

Matt - Matt fucking Summers (in the words of Laure LMAO). Matt is a really nice guy, but has the reputation of being very dangerous. In a weird way, I think I can kind of be the watered down Matt Summers depending on the day. I would love to work with him, because I think he's a big personality that could place me in the background of the game. 

 Dennis - I find speaking with Dennis so easy! Not only is he nice and personable, but easy to have a good chat with. I would like to work with Dennis if I can. 

 Lukas - I find chatting with Lukas a bit harder then I should, but I expect it just based off our personalities. I am really trying hard to socialize with him, so hopefully it shouldn't be terrible. 

 Nick - Nick is in a similar spot to Lukas for me - but I don't find it as hard to chat with him. I'm drawing from my improv expertise this season and doing a lot of 'yes and' ing to stuff. With him, that's what I've been doing in the hopes I can build a stronger relationship. So far it's working. 

 That's all for now! Let's see what happens with Kage at the island thing haha

 SOOO Emma is amazing. I really hope she's not good friends with anyone else in the cast cause I love her and I want her to be my #1 Jake is chill. I'm gonna keep him around for a bit, but he ALWAYS backstabs his friends so I don't trust him Chris seems cool. He's gonna be a schemer/utr I feel it. But I enjoy talking to him Matt, I'm still trying to get a feel for. He's from WV so I started talking to him about Noah Salvatore and somehow they went to the same school together so he clearly has bad luck. Dennis and I have been getting along. I talked to him a lot about my game last time tho. That made me realize I need to keep my friendships with Jake and Emma on the LOW. Kage is messy. Even this morning he's still talking to me like this: it’s terrivle nothing bere i haven't really talked to anyone else yet. Ricky and Kage both just seem so hard to talk to one on one. 

Hi!! so I am the first one on my tribe to go to Ancient Thera. Kage came from the other tribe and HE IS NOVA SCOTIAN!!!!!!!! F2 right there!!! I am so hyped that I met him!!! he lives an hour from me!!!! AHHHHHHH!! I also betrayed him already and went for tribal advantage instead of personal as we agreed. also, the chances of me and him are so high I'm actually so excited!!. I can Picture me and hm becoming good friends, he and I have a lot in common. this tribe is also amazing!!

Oh god I’ve never played this challenge and I’ve always felt bad for those who did fuck

First Confessional! It's been about a day since the season began and this tribe is rockin'! I've had some pretty great conversations with most of the tribe. However there have been a couple people lacking in the social department. Most notably is NED, who I've apparently played with before but I can barely remember him. I guess he's just been busy all day, and it's only been a day so I'm not holding it against him much. SHARIFA has not been the most social with me but we have discussed some New Years resolutions and how poorly we do with those. Aside from that, I really like BIRCH, MALIK and KURT. I think they're top notch people so far and I'm hoping I can plod on forward and actually form an alliance of sorts with them. My biggest struggle right now is trying to decide whether I want to initiate any game talk this early, or if I should just hold out for a little longer so I don't come across like I'm playing too hard right out of the gates.

How does one turn a convo from fun and friendly to strategic without just straight up being like “how do you feel about everybody” bc that’s such a loaded question but the easiest route to what you wanna talk about lmao. TLDR I’m trying to talk to Kurt strategically and I’ve typed and deleted a message about a million times. Ned and I bonded super well we called for a minute and I feel so bad bc he’s like “I get close to one person and we’re together to the end I’m super loyal” and I’m like ME TOO NORMALLY BUT I ALREADY HAVE LUKAS AND TRENT and like I already love Ned I wanna be his friend and I know he trusts me super well already so that’s good I’m just worried for if/when he finds out I already have a tight twosome ahdjsks. But that’s way ahead I needn’t worry rn. I want a four person alliance with Kurt, Ned, Trent and myself. Ned said he liked Kurt and Trent so that’s great and Trent is obviously down so I just gotta grow a pair and talk to Kurt. I also really like Kellogg (can’t remember his real name ever but it’s similar to Kellogg; I’m such an ass) and Sharifa too she’s super cool. She’s won twice so I’m a littler nervy but I like her a lot. I talked with Jake a little bit more but still not much and cheatham I think I ignored all day yikes. Birch is beloved in the eyes of the tribe rn but hehe I’m still not buying into it sorry!! I like them a lot outside of the game but I’ll never ever trust them in a game. I was talking with Ned and he said he hasn’t connected well with them and wouldn’t mind voting them out so woo. It’s gonna be tricky to try and get that to have any traction since she just did something generous for the tribe sigh. Gonna have to be patient like I was patient with someone else in Mykonos. I can be patient, certainly.

I FORGOT MALIK he’s so kind I like him a lot but he’s not as giving in a convo as others so I feel like I don’t know him as well but we’re developing that relationship

I just really like our tribe

*a little while later*

Malik is so sweet, I think he needs an emoji tutorial tho 😂 sometimes he’ll send an emoji and I’m a little perplexed why he chose that one but it’s all very endearing

So Kage and his Thera shit... SHADYYY. He said if they won the challenge they get themselves an advantage in the game but if they lose, the TRIBE gets a disadvantage in the immunity. He specified the tribe and the immunity thing. But didn't specify that winning the comp would give the TRIBE an advantage. But here we are. Birch's tribe got an advantage and we got a disadvantage. I. Call. Bullshit. I think Kage got an advantage in the game in exchange for a disadvantage and it just trying to keep it secret. I'm honestly gonna keep pushing this theory so other people wanna vote Kage later. I asked Kage questions about the challenge and... Me, A psychology major: "He's giving a LOT of details here. Liars tend to do that" Also me, a psychology major: "Okay but these details sound right. That's a lot to make up" There's been a few people that I feel like I haven't been able to strike good convos with yet I'd put my ranking like this Emma > Chris > Dennis > Andreas >>>>> Kage/Lukas/Matt > Sarah > Ricky. But that big gap feels like a disconnect. AND I haven't fully talked to Emma because she keeps getting distracted when I try to chat with her. I'm just banking on our connection before the game I do feel really good about Chris and Dennis and I think Andreas was trying to talk game with me today. So we'll see. It could be a decent group that gets formed. But I'm sure those 3 are being super social with everyone else so idk where that puts me Post Tribal Reaction: "Advantages were for the taking. Kage gave me way too much power over his tribe and the advantages so I snaked him" - Birch I'm trying to sus out what that's insinuating cause it SOUNDS like you could just take advantages. Smh at Kage

I already knew trent was like my dude but HE LOVES LES MIS TOO

Yesterday’s word of the day: hedgehog Today’s word of the day: morning morning morning

So this game started at a very inopportune time. I have an exam in 2 hours and another one tomorrow, so I haven't been super active in the tribe chat-- but after realizing that, I've decided to use it as a strategy. I'm not going to talk much in the tribe chat, but I'll have individual conversations with people. That way, it seems like I'm very invested in each individual relationship but am not super connected with the rest of the tribe, so people will hopefully see me as a trustworthy ally! I've connected really well with Olivia and we seem to be on the same page-- we're loyal to our ride-or-dies and hate drama. We called and I think this is an alliance to watch. I was also aligned with Jake in Crossroads, my most recent TS season, so I think he's going to be a built-in ally. Apart from them, Trent and Kurt seem cool and I won't be sad if anyone else gets voted out. Most of my conversations with other people have been very surface level, but I think that's fine since it's only day 2. On the other tribe, there's Sarah and Andreas-- in every game I've played with Sarah, we have never lied to each other once. She's been my closest ally out of every ORG I've played, so I know 100% that if we're able to link up we'll run the show. After Bangladesh, I got close with both Sarah and Andreas, so I'm feeling pretty confident about a swap. 

Okay hi, first time playing a TS in a year weeeeeee!! The only person I know on this tribe is Ned S. and we haven't talked in 2 and a half years so GREAT good tribe lineup for me. However he really wants to work with me and I do too so hopefully there's some leverage there. Tbh I haven't connected with anyone on this tribe yet, every convo is like pretty surface level so im like dsjnsfnfjsd i need people that I can turn up with. I wanna turn up w Nicklas and Sara but theyre on the other tribe so this is rigged and of course we lost first... i always lose first.... idek who to vote out cus no one is inactive this is so fun for me goodbye

We lost the challenge, and I’m sad about that. Then I’m told by Keegan that there’s talk of a group with me, Sharifa, Olivia, Keegan, and Trent. How do I feel about that? Good except for the fact I feel it confirms the suspicions of Trent and Olivia talking either, and the fact that Kurt and Jake aren’t involved. So me and Kurt said we’d tell each other everything that’s going on, so I feel I do need to tell him about this alliance, but I can’t have him asking people about it or people might know I told Kurt through Sharifa if she thinks I actually did that. So now I need to let him know, and I need to keep him safe. I’m glad to be in a group I just need to protect Kurt at all costs.

Well we lost the first challenge and boy does that suck. I was really hoping we could pull out a few wins at the start of the game and have no issues moving forward. But that didn't happen and now we have to go to tribal council. Yuck! Right off the bat after losing the challenge I went in and did something I've never done before and never been comfortable doing before. And that's building an alliance. I sat for a few moments (and that's really all it was) before I jumped right into some conversations. Those first few minutes consisted of OLIVIA, TRENT, SHARIFA and MALIK. And now we have the MCDONALDS GANG. It's currently only a group of five but that's most likely all we'll need. It should be easy enough for us to wrangle in one or two people to vote out whoever we want to get out. I'm so proud of myself for really jumping right in there and getting things done. OLIVIA was the biggest factor in that. We immediately decided on who we liked (SHARIFA and TRENT) and pulled in MALIK for being a great dude. I'm really trying my hardest to step outside my comfort zone and get shit done this time around. As of right now (only a few hours after the challenge) my first choice for a target would be NED, solely because he's been the least talkative to me out of everyone. But that doesn't mean he's an easy choice. Everyone on Ammonia tribe is so great. We've still got a full day to decide who we want to target and get out. If it's not NED, perhaps JAKE might be the next best option. However, now that I've got this group together, I'm not going to be too pushy. We'll decide things as a group moving forward until later on in the game. I don't want to overplay too hard and I don't really want to be seen as the ring leader of the group.

I’d like to pat myself on the back because I was about to make a joke about how Sophie had to pretend to be religious in her game and how hard that must’ve been but then I remembered Ned is religious and I managed to hold back!!! Not making bad jokes upgrade woo

Well, this game is already not what i expected. I wasn't expecting mixed tribes, i wasn't expecting so many old schoolers, and i wasn't expecting everybody to be so nice. So far i'm just trying to be super social with everyone. My biggest fault in Indonesia is that none of the jury felt like they truly knew me. So i'm trying to be more open and more personal. and so far i think it's working. At first i really didn't want to work with Sharifa. Just looking at her stats I can see how dangerous she is. But we've really bonded over the past few days and shes one of my closest friends in this game right now. Her and Olivia are the ones I trust the most. I could be a fool and falling right into her trap, but we will see. I know Sharifa will be a huge target if we all make it to merge together so she's good to keep around as a shield for right now, but eventually I'm not going to be able to work with her any longer, but I dont know when that day will be. I am now in an alliance with Sharifa, Olivia, Keega, and Malik. We all seem to be on the same page for the first vote. Ned and Cheatham have been a lot less active than the first so one of them will be the first boot. I hate that it's probably Cheatham because I really did want to work and play this game with him. But if he's not going to put forth an effort then theres no way I'm going to risk my neck saving him. I just have to find the right way to tell him it's him. because if he hears it from someone other than me he might have a messy exit. Just need to get through this first vote and then the 5 of us will have a majority and should be ok until a swap. I've also been added to a smaller alliance of Olivia and Ned. I haven't really had a chance to talk with Ned but Olivia says he's great and that we will get along great. And i trust Olivia's judgement. But at this point Ned is just an extra vote to use because I'm not going to risk my game to try to save a player I barely know.

I think this game is off to a great start! Our tribe won immunity which was great, it allows me more time to build stronger relationships within the tribe. Some key things I wanna note: Matt expresses about how he wants to work together and I was like ��yeah sure’ but he also messaged Sarah a much more genuine message about how he trusts her and I think that’s SUS ... I trust him for now but who knows . Ricky wants to work with me this game ?? Idk if he’s lying but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt and I will believe him because we do a good rapore so it makes sense to work with him. He continues to say I’m the the only one he 100% trusts at this moment and i want to believe he’s not buttering me up and he’s loyal. I’ve been having meaningful discussions with everyone else. Emma is on my radar because she doesn’t want to talk to me unless it game talk and normally that’s what she does when she doesn’t really want to work with me... honestly would prefer her to go first but she seems well connected based off prior connections so that’s that. I’m not telling anyone but Sarah about how I feel about Emma truly because I can’t have her sniffing me out ... and plus loose lips sink ships. I’ve also been lying to a lot of people in this game for the purpose of appearing more personable to them... LOL.... like Lukas asked me about my thoughts on normani’s new music video and switch games and I lied through my teeth and looked stuff up to have shit to talk about. I wanna form strong connections now so people feel allegiance to me later. Hopefully we can go to tribal soon so I can test these loyalties ... anyways that’s all for now xoxo

Tribal day and I’ve found myself stumbling into yet another alliance, this time with BIRCH and MALIK. We’re just waiting for MALIK to get online but it’s a pretty sure thing that this alliance is happening. That means MALIK and I are both in the two same alliances which covers 6 of the people in the game. Unfortunately that means JAKE, NED and KURT are (at least to my knowledge) not in any major alliances. It’s certainly possible they have something going on with other people so I’m not going to rule it out entirely. I know it’s super early in the game but I’m feeling like I’ve found a good solid footing.

Hi im on the villains tribe...shocker Andreas is my #1 and when ned and I get on a tribe i will get him to be my number #1 and i know jake will want to work with me and matt summers wants to be close too so im thinking im good I dont trust emma or anyone else 

 Dusty

okay, we have tribal tonight, YAY. I am feeling okay. right now it is between Cheatham and Ned. I might push for Ned to go because I really like Cheatham. How I am feeling towards the other people is as follows Olivia- just played with you, did you real dirty in that game, sorry. I want to ally with you in this game more. Keegan- I really like you! you're awesome, i feel very comfortable with you and are allied with. stan. Tea Sluts 4 Lyfe. Sharifa- Not going to lie, you scare the hell out of me. we are allied, ily. everyone else: you are really nice, not strong feelings towards anyone.

I really like Kurt I wish we had included him in the alliance :( I feel like he’d be so fun to call

It is WILLLLLLD to be back, had no idea what I was getting myself into. Coming into Heroes vs Villains 4 I had the entirely wrong perception that I would be on a tribe with all Villains. Twistos Twist, it’s mixed….but you could have told me I was on the heroes tribe because everyone is so fucking nice….DO I LOOK LIKE A HERO WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR LIFE ALKJSDF. I feel like Colton in Blood vs Water on the kumbya tribe. So here are my thoughts on the flower children of the Ammonia tribe. My one solace is Kurt. We played together before on Generations, and he was actually my number 1 before Jakey was. What happened you ask? Liana and Andrew decided Kurt’s head would look great around their necks, and I could either vote with them, or go to rocks. So to avoid a tie, I ended up voting him out...and honestly it's one of my FEW regrets I have from the game. And it’s weird because I won Generations, but I still wish I had gone to rocks for him. I’VE CERTAINLY GONE TO ROCKS FOR LESS IN CHALLENGERS VS CHAMPIONS FKLAJSDF. Needless to say, he’s my ride or die, and I hope he can put the past behind him because I’m loyal as fuck to my ride or dies, just ask L’Shei and Jakey <3. Trent is probably the second person I’m trying to talk game with. He’s a biggggg strategist, even if he wants to pretend that he’s not...your that girl I knew you were. It’s been a big strategy of mine to play a wolf in sheeps clothing. This time around I can’t, my record is intimidating and there’s no way around it. So the only way I feel I can be successful is by amassing an alliance of heavy hitters. The only problem with that, is gamers never stop gaming, and they are going to want me out at some point. So I’m working hard to invest with Trent, and to play with him, but I’m FULLY aware he wants me out. It’s WHEN he wants me out, that’s the real question. And can he benefit my game, before then??? Malik is so fucking nice, super geunine, I like him, BUT he’s playing with his dick. He has this whole showmance with Kurt and it’s like habibi...what is you doin. It’s good for my game because he’s loyal to my closest ally, but it’s also like...we’re playing a game, play it. I do think Malik is someone Kurt and I can rely on, and I really adore him. It would be nice to play with another queer poc. I just don’t know if he’s a big gamer if we’re going to be real. Birch is….SO HARD TO TALK TO. Literally today I told them I was nervous after the challenge, because my strategy didn’t work, their response? “I BET!” FLAKSDFKJASKJFASD BRUH. Despite the teeth I want to pull, trying to have a conversation with them, they are genuinely nice and I feel it’s worth investing in talking with them. The only thing I’m nervous about is their relationship to Trent. Trent talks about them as a number, so I wonder if Birch is in his back pocket, especially considering the lack of game they talk. Olivia is a RE-HEALLLLLY interesting one. She doesn’t talk much, has her own language, that I do not speak, yet the SECOND we lost the challenge, her and Keegan orchestrated this whole majority alliance. And despite her being voted out by Trent, at the final 4, they seem to be working together. I think she’s 1) a villain not a hero, and 2) playing a lot more than I initially suspected. I think she likes me, we have a “we’re the only two girls on the tribe” thing going. LISTEN I WILL USE ANYTHING I’M A VILLAIN FOR A REASON. And she was the one who I think brought me into this magical majority alliance, so I guess we have a good relationship??? Definitely keeping two eyes, and two ears on her, she’s a player. Keegan….all I know about him is I think he’s close with Olivia, and that he’s spearheaded the alliance. I barely spoke with him, but we sent music to each other so clearly I’m gaming harder than I thought FKLAJSDF. He’s a tough one to figure out, I don’t trust him, and I think he has more relationships than I initially surmised, but right now he feels good with me so let’s celebrate that.gif Ned is INCH-RESTING. Barely spoke until after the immunity, now we’re talking fairly consistently. The two names being brought up for the vote are Ned and Cheatham, but Ned is putting in work to save himself. Ned is transparent and straight the fuck up, which is so necessary to build trust. Meanwhile Trent’s over here holding his cards to his chest closer than a new born baby. I’m very interested in working with Ned down the road, he just needs to make it past this rough patch, which I’m doing everything I can to make sure he does. At first I was really turned off by Jake….HIS BIO VIDEO WAS SO FUNNY. “My last expierene was horrible, fuck tumblr survivor, BUT IM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK KISSES”. But I realized once you speak his language of “white gay” he opens up ALOT. He also has an amazing record, and that is a plus for me not a minus, it has to be considering how scary people think my record is. I’m interested to see how he’s a good player, because right now he’s been so quiet and on the chopping block. I’m keeping my options open with him, not saying I’m going to work with him, but not not saying I’m going to work with him. Finally Cheatham. He’s honestly the only person on the tribe that I don’t have a relationship with, and because of that, he’s my target. This time around I HAVE to play calmer, and as much as I want to flip things on this majority alliance consisting of Trent, Malik, Olivia, Keegan and myself, I need to use it to get past these first couple votes. What has me so paranoid, is it makes the MOST sense to take me out right now. I haven’t solidified connections, I have an intimidating record, the strategy didn’t win the challenge, and everyone finds me likable which should be a GIANT red flag. I would be who I would go after, so why aren’t they??? And then that makes me paranoid, but it would be a lot of effort to make this alliance just to make someone feel comfortable. So if the path of least resistance is sending Cheatham home, I have to fight every desire I have to cause chaos, and make sure that’s what happens, because strategically it’s the smartest thing to do. Anticipating this season having a lot of swaps, if Cheatham leaves then I have a solid relationship with everyone else going into a swap, and swaps are when I’m going to be the MOST vulnerable. That and the merge but let’s survive this vote before we even start THINKING of that. 

There’s always that major fear that like everyone is lying their ass off to you and it’s actually you but I pray that ain’t true