#I am sure I could look up a solution but I trust the tumblr people more than google

[bluetoothschizophrenic]

Potentially stupid question, but if I had things I had written (fan works, original stuff, etc.) that I want people to see and critique, where should I put them? This place obviously exists but I need more outlets

[pebblysand]

le beurre, l'argent du beurre, et le cul de la crémière

i had no idea i was going to wake up this morning and today would be the day i finally open my big mouth about this, but here we are. in case you haven't been following, there has been a diversity "protest" against AO3 as of late, following racist comments made by one of their directors against chinese users, which has led to yet another broader conversation about diversity on AO3.

this conversation has been going on for years. i'm not going to go through it all again - if you're curious, you can google it. and to clarify, i am not making this post to prove that racism exists and that lack of diversity (either through conscious or unconscious bias) is an issue in our society at large, and on AO3 in particular. i think we all have pretty much established this fact and if you're one of those people who believe in "alternative facts", i sadly cannot do anything for you.

what i will however say, looking at this post and at the comments underneath (it seems to be a mixed bag, in terms of reactions, some positive and some negative), is that i believe a lot of people who use the internet daily do not seem to understand how it functions. because, is the post partly bullshit? yes, of course. the response they drafted actually offers no new solutions. if you've been following AO3's board meetings for the past year, as well as their regular comms (which i have, and which i know most people do not), you already know about most of these "actions". this is a "response" without an actual "response". they're just reminding people of the steps they've taken in the past, and the steps they're currently taking, to remedy their diversity problem. they are telling you: we are trying.

and, truth be told, they are. they've tried to hire diversity consultants, implemented policies designed to reduce hate in comment sections, etc. this is progress. but, i understand that this is progress that is very unsatisfying for a lot of people, given this is a pretty major issue. hence, the protest. i agree.

however, the problem i have with this protest (and with the negative comments under this post), is that people seem to be holding AO3 to a standard that is completely unachievable given their "business model". trust me, there is a lot to criticise about AO3's board (and, i'm the first to criticise them) but you cannot decently expect them to remedy this diversity problem (and all their other issues) without accepting a thing that is despicable and yet totally essential to function in our society ... money.

if you've been spending any time at all on tumblr lately, you probably have seen all those people (mostly millennials) going on about how Money Ruins Everything. to a certain extent, that is true. i also agree. the older i get, the more of a raging socialist i become. and, in terms of AO3, it means that every time the question of monetisation (beyond their current donation drives) is brought up, most people go up in arms about how AO3 is an archive, not a social media site, how money would ruin people's hobbies, how some gen z writers are misguided and "harming" AO3 by putting up links to their ko-fis, etc. i am not going to tag these people because i don't want to start yet another conversation about this but if you have been on tumblr lately, i trust that you have seen these points being brought up. the consensus seems to be that generally speaking, people do not wish AO3 to become a "business". this is reinforced by the fact that AO3 itself wishes to remain a small non-profit.

the issue with this is that the idea that you could hold AO3 to high diversity standards while arguing in the same breath that it should only be funded by three donation drives a year is insane. diversity requires a lot of things: a willingness to have an open mind, a willingness to better things, etc. sure, but mostly? it requires MONEY. and, if you look at the standard for websites and internet platforms with comparable traffic, AO3 has no money.

they have - currently - about a million USD in the bank (IIRC, from what i saw from their 2021 public accounts, i believe). which, sure, they are managing very poorly (but that's a different discussion), but even if they were the best investors of all time, that is nothing by tech standards. that buys you, like, three engineers in SF. whereas, they require: a board, admin staff, legal, eng, trust and safety [1], translators, and So Much More. and they cannot hire these people, because They Don't Have Money. so, they run on volunteers (with all the issues this creates, in terms of lack of consistency, attrition, etc. which makes it very hard for them to implement any long-term vision). and, you know who can afford to volunteer ten hours a week to be a tag-wrangler for peanuts?

privileged white women from western countries.

now, of course, there are exceptions. feel free to come into my mentions telling me that you are a POC who has three jobs and two kids and still finds time to translate AO3's comms to yaoundé - to which i say, good for you. but, let's be honest, you are not the majority.

the issue with this debate is that we are looking at diversity (and the lack thereof) as a purely racial problem, whereas it is incredibly multifaceted. diversity is access. diversity is unconscious bias. diversity is power. diversity is money. and, divorcing the issue from one of its most important ramifications, which is financial, is doing a disservice to a) POCs and b) AO3. so much of the criticism that is currently being made at AO3 can be answered by: "because they have no money." for example, just looking at the comments below this post:

you said two years ago that you'd hire a diversity consultant, this hasn't been done yet, why? because they have no money.

why isn't the board moving to a more standard Trust & Safety organization, with an enforceable, shorter TOS, a Code of Conduct, and a separate user guide? because they have no money.

it is wild to me that so many people expect this website to remain free to access, never monetise, and remain this sweet little archive, while still expecting this much from it. AO3 isn't a tech company. AO3 doesn't want to be a tech company. and, generally, it seems that most of you don't want AO3 to be a tech company. that comes at a cost that people need to understand.

and, for the record, whilst we're at it, yes, AO3 could monetise. other fanfiction websites have done it. this situation is a choice. they could run ads. they could have a membership-based subscription with perks associated. they could have writers monetise and take a cut [2]. it is a risk, but it could be a calculated risk. there are a number of things they could consider and/or combine, and yes, ethical monetisation can be a thing. for proof: tumblr and @staff and @photomatt are trying to achieve it, right now. if you don't believe me, i advise you to listen to this podcast episode where matt mullenweg explains their strategy (and troubles). (which btw, tumblr, please hire me, i work in tech and i make great coffee 😆). it is not always easy. it requires ethics and sacrifices. and, in the case of AO3, i think this might be a conversation to be had with the community as a whole, because there will be trade-offs, and this might be something people at large, might not want.

we could say that, as a community, we are okay with "meh" performances on the diversity front, as long as AO3 remains free of corporate engagement. that is a very fair opinion. what isn't, is refusing to understand that in the world we live in, there are trade-offs that we need to account for, depending on the business models we choose for the things we love.

now, of course, i acknowledge money doesn't solve everything. money doesn't solve the discriminatory comments made by that board member. it doesn't solve unconscious bias. it doesn't solve issues of access to the tools you would need to become a volunteer, even. but, it is a pretty big factor, both in hiring, and in maintaining diversity standards.

and so yes, if AO3 is so bad at diversity, it's also because they don't have money. refusing to acknowledge that is like we say in france: wanting the butter, the money from the butter, and the cream-seller's butt. or, in english: wanting to have your cake and eat it too.

---

[1] "trust and safety" is the tech term for people who generally do content review and enforcement, including of policies around offensive content

[2] yes, i know, "monetising fanfiction is illegal". except: no, not really, it's a very complicated legal issue and it's more of a grey area than you think.

[straight-to-the-pain]

I do know several explicit self identified kink blogs that only have text. Thats quite common now especially since the Great Tumblr Purge. Ive seen some whump posts floating around there. Ive also seen some kink posts floating around whump tumblr. Especially with posts like “wow I just want to see a cute boy get beaten up” or whatever, there can be so much overlap.

Idk what the ~solution~ for minor issues are. I dont think there is going to be a way to make sure youth who are on the internet looking for Hurt People Content will NEVER stumble across something sexual tbh. But I guess the best we can do is try to make it clear what isnt for them on our own blogs (aka label up front things that will have noncon or whatever, maybe tag “hey minors dont go thru OPs blog” if we’re concerned) but if they decide to go click on everyone who reblogs a post… thats out of our control. The internet is, for better or for worse, full of all kinds of people who will reblog whatever they please, and some of them might be horny about it.

And our staff are already trying to make this website have as few nsfw images as possible with varying success so… 🤷🏻

I think whats more important than wringing our hands about whether or not someone of some age has a sexual though is being kind and helpful to the people who are in our community. As a minor wading through all kinds of nasty shit online back in the day™️, I could have benefited a lot from a community like this. Open conversations about consent and ethics and sexuality would have done much more for me than trying to keep anything remotely sadomasochistic as far from me as possible.

-(New anon, just didnt want shit about this but came to soapbox on your blog. I think youre making great points and Im glad youre facilitating these discussions)

I think those are some great points, thank you! I want to say that I think it makes complete sense to say, state that you have to be 18 or over to interact with your blog, or asking people with nsfw blogs not to interact because you’re a minor, but you also have to remember that not everyone is going to check this or realise this.

While people should be able to message others and ask them to not reblog from them or comment on their posts, I also think that blocking is honestly fine and good and people shouldn’t be afraid to block simply for personal comfort. It doesn’t have to be a punishment. It’s just a way of curating your own experience.

I definitely think that it’s futile and harmful even to pretend that teens and young people don’t know anything about kink or sex. I am well aware that minors are going to have personal interests and fantasies and may well be trying things with each other, and honestly I just hope that they’re having open and honest discussions about this with their friends and with trusted adults in their lives.

I’m not responsible for online minors who follow me and I don’t want to know about your sex lives and interests, but at the same time if you don’t have someone you trust who will talk to you about this at home or at school or at a youth group, I would rather people came to me so I could give them age appropriate resources and guide them towards a more appropriate and safe source of information.

I would absolutely rather that young people have informed safe sex rather than being told that they should never think about it until they turn 18 and doing it secretly and getting hurt or hurting someone else in their ignorance. And I am well aware that teens are going to read sexual content, and probably read things that aren’t meant for them too, and I think there’s a difference between exploring and figuring things out in your own mind and actively seeking out adults to interact with them about that content. And it’s on the adults here to draw those boundaries and at the end of the day, block minors who are interacting with them inappropriately.

[usernamesuggestionsarefunny]

Hot take: I unapologetically like John Walker, like, not even in a "he is morally gray and interesting" kind of way. He was brave and had good intentions, he just wasn't as quick to search for peaceful solutions and had several realistic flaws such as being insecure, ambitious and quick to follow orders for the establishment. Most people (on tumblr) just hate him because he is white so he must be evil or symbolically represent male white priviledge or something, because he didn´t romanticize terrorism as the writers made Sam start doing, and because he “unfairly” got the shield (The shield the dumb ass writers made Sam DECIDE to give up so they could have that sweet drama? THAT shield?). People say that Steve Rogers would have never done what John did, not even after his literal best friend was killed in front of his eyes, ehem... did we even watch the same movies? Did everyone just forget about that scene in Civil War after Tony tried to kill Bucky?

His reasons for murdering that terrorist  guy that took part in the killing of his best friend and for wanting to apprehend a potentially dangerous group were waay more understandable than any of Karli's actions AFTER she started killing innocent people "to send a message" while still claiming to have the moral highground instead of, you know, keep stealing and distributing food and medicines like they were exclusively doing at the beginning or something.

I get that it sucks the writers made the flag smashers the villians (I hate what they did with the good hearted and idealistic Sharon Carter as well), I myself would have prefered if Karli had been writen as an anti-hero or even new hero who teams up with Sam and Bucky, maybe the flag smashers could have been divided into different factions, some more extremist than others, and a government guy could have been the real or worst villain, but that sadly didn't happen. The moment they wrote her blowing up that building full of unarmed people though, she was a self-righteous murderer just like Zemo, which would have been fine if that was the point of her character.

 I was very irritated by the way the show writers, via Sam, tried to minimize her actions and make us feel sorry for her, dehumanizing the people she had killed in the process. We barely ever see her victims, they are mostly faceless entities who don´t matter in comparison to “poor well intentioned baby Karli”.

 If the writers wanted to send the audience a message about “doing better” for refugees they could have done so by making the flag smashers the heroes that have been unjustly framed for the terrorist attacks (Which would have been an AMAZING plot twist), or writing them to be more complicated by making most of its members stand against the extemism of certain factions of the group, or by showing the good things they do, making them fight armed guards only. They should NOT have made terrorism seem “cool” and “trendy”, the deaths of civilians “necessary”, and the terrorists the “real” victims of... *gasp* being called... terrorists! The poor babies, noo, so offensive! The correct term is freedom fighters, nooo! 

Needless to say, the woobification of the poor baby terrorists didn't work for me and I wasn't exactly horrified by Karli´s death or impressed by Sam´s corny victim blaming speech where he doesn´t actually give any practical ideas on how to solve the refugee crisis caused by the snap but sure does love to say the government officials all, indiscriminately (Maybe AOCortez or someone was there? I mean, idk), deserved to feel powerless as hostages because that, apparently, will make them sympathize with the people that made them fear for their lives instead of, I don´t know, seeing them as way too unreasonable to negociate with??

Now, I would have preferred for John Walker´s actor to play Lemar and viceversa, because I get that black characters get killed to motivate white characters far too often, so it would have been nicer to see it done the other way around for once. For John Walker to be the new flawed yet good hearted war veteran who has to redeem himself after making a huge mistake born out of pain for the loss of his friend, someone who has to develop and learn different tactics other than violence in order to defend people, someone who has to learn to question the status quo... and he just happens to be black like Sam. Their rivalry would not be even implicitly about race, but exclusively about differences in methods and about who gets the Captain America legacy. We could still have Bucky hating on him, the funny rivalry moments, no changes.

But sadly the writers needed a character to represent the white that didn't deserve Sam's shield but only got it for his race, or for looking similar to Steve, which is an important theme, but one that was perfectly explored already with the plotline about the original black supersoldier who was erased from history, and one that didn´t work for me because they made Sam give up the shield willingly BEFORE it was given to John, a war hero, so all I am getting is that simply being chosen for something important and accepting it because you think you can do the job, wanting justice for a friend, and not trusting terrorists to change their murderous ways is what made John “less than” Sam and Bucky.

I guess what I am trying to say is that John doesn´t deserve half the hate he gets and maybe if the writers had changed his race from the comic books then his character would have suffered less from being placed into a specific “personification of white male priviledge” box here on tumblr. No offence to the actor though, he was great.

[elinaline]

Why is no one talking about this ? or a guide to making the difference between scientific breakthrough and predatory bullcrap on Tumblr

First of all, I want to preface this by saying that I am myself doing a PhD in material science, so I know what I’m talking about, and I also know that academia tends to advantage senior scientists that are already well-known for their research, and that some countries are still under-represented despite their brilliant researchers (it is for example well-known in the field of soft matter that Indians and Chinese know what they are talking about, and yet most of the citations will be Western Europeans and Japanese people). However, I too often see tumblr posts showing the allegedly revolutionary findings of a random scientist that paradoxically no one has heard about, eliciting a strong emotional response and many reblogs, to turn out to be a fake published in a predatory journal that has been refuted years ago. It’s tiring, it creates distrust towards science which is the last fucking thing we need right now (looking at you, anti-vaxxers and 5G fear mongers), and it endangers people as it promotes pseudo-science bullshit (looking at you essential oils fans, and Didier Raoult).

So how to know if the thing you are sharing is truly a cool albeit under-promoted discovery, or if it is someone trying to sell you something dangerous and unethical ?

Without getting in the details of the article, a first easy thing to do, especially if the findings are presented as a huge scientific breakthrough, is to Google it. If it is truly so big, you can be guaranteed that some news outlet will have talked about it, so you can search some key words and the name of the authors to find what is said about it.

For example this post claimed Pr Ezeibe in Nigeria found a cure to HIV, so I went and googled “ezeibe nigeria hiv cure” and here’s what the headlines look like: 

Lots of articles from newspapers of different political sides, half of them written by Nigerian authors, all of them suspicious of this finding, for valid reasons.

Now if you don’t believe news websites (I mean, me neither on some topics but not on everything, but that’s another subject entirely), you can examine the articles more in detail.

The first thing you want to search then is in which journal was the article published ? If you come from a news website you will have to go back to the original article, it’s sometimes a bit of a hassle because newspapers can be shit at citing their sources, but every scientific finding is published in a journal in a very codified way. However not all those journals are equal ! If you can be pretty trusting of any journal published by Springer, Elsevier or Wiley, some more independent ones will require further examination. Indeed in science, whether it be STEMs or humanities, there is the notion of predatory journals. Those journals that send hundreds of emails to researchers, and will publish any article as long as the authors are paying, like this Chinese journal publishing last week a joke article linking electric scooters accidents and hydroxychloroquine without checking it. Luckily, you can find lists of predatory journals that are updated and checked regularly, here are three of them: [x] [x] [x]

Now, not all articles published in those journals are false science however. And some journals are balancing on an edge between pseudoscience and really cool weird findings that could find no other publisher, like PLOS One which has some really interesting publications, and some others with a more -ah- discutable review I’d say. At this point if you still are not sure of how accurate the article is there is only one solution: you have to read it.

When reading an article to try and fact-check it, you are basically doing the job of a reviewer, and that is searching for some specific items. First of all look at the references: how many are they ? Are the citations concentrated in the introduction, as if the author was just trying to show how relevant they are, or are they disseminated throughout the text to explain some models and comparisons and draw common points and differences with other systems ? What proportion of the references are self-citations ? In those citations is the author working alone ? or are they in a team ? Are the co-authors always the same and if yes is it the continuation of a project ? or are they changing, and from various labs working on a similar domain and sharing their expertise ? I would say if the author is quoting themself a lot (as in maybe over one third of the references being themself), if the team never changes when the subject does and everyone seems to be in the same lab, I would be wary, but it can also mean that they are leading the way on a particular topic (that was the case of my team director last year, the lab had conceived a new composite material and was naturally the first to publish on it regarding different aspects), in which case if you’re really curious you can go even further and see how many citations in other works those references have. If it’s a lot of self-reference on different topics that are almost not cited by other authors that’s a huge red flag.

Other things to look for are the sample sizes, the statistics and the calculation for the error margins, especially if the sample sizes are small (small being generally under 100 for complex systems), if  there are figures how are the axes ? Are there error bars ? How are these error bars calculated ? Are there guides for the eyes ? do those look coherent or could any other guide be placed instead and the conclusion would change ? If there are models are those deducted over a hundred data points or just three ? Where do these models come from ? If you’re feeling in a math mood you can try to look up the scientific units in the formulae to see if they’re homogeneous or full bullshit but that’s getting a bit too invested.

With all those hints you should get a better idea of how precise the researchers were and whether the article is interesting or if it is full of false claims ! Of course it cannot prevent genuine error like when we thought we’d proved the existence of superluminal neutrinos, but at least it should stop you from reblogging sensationalist titles leading to a general distrust in scientific research.

If you’ve come this far thank you so much for taking the time to read this !

[frestoniia]

What kind of advice would you give to first-time rp'ers on tumblr?

▹ Okay so full disclosure, there are probably people way more qualified to give this sort of advice than I am. I'm really kinda just makin this shit up as I go tbh. For general RP etiquette, I'd recommend reading this post here, since it explains the most important things a lot better than I could.

That being said, a lot of these are gonna boil down to mostly a personal preference, but I still think they're a good rule of thumb for most people to keep in mind, especially newbies.

Accessibility over Aesthetics. Now, 'accessibility' means different things to different people, so I'm not gonna pretend that there's a one-size-fits-all solution to this conundrum. However, when setting up your blog, it's important that everything is easy to find and easy to read. I'm not saying you shouldn't use fancy graphics or small fonts-- trust me, I totally get wanting everything to look aesthetically pleasing. But it's an rp blog, not a scavenger hunt. I find that having a mobile-friendly alternative to your important pages is a good compromise in this regard.

Try to make your rules clear and concise. By all means, elaborate on your rules as much as you need to. However, in my experience, people rarely read through the entirety of someone's rules page the first time, especially if it's super lengthy. I'm not saying long rules pages are bad, but I do think that being brief, yet comprehensive is a good way to ensure no important points are glossed over.

Try to have your pages set up before you start following people. This is really more of a personal preference, I think. Before I decide to follow a blog, I always make sure to read their pages (whether they're an oc or a canon character). But if there are no pages for me to read, not only will I not follow, but I'm definitely not gonna remember to go back and check again later. I'm not saying everything has to be 100% finished, but having the general information available from the get-go would be ideal.

Don't be pushy. I understand it can be disheartening when people won't follow you back, or don't show as much enthusiasm as you do. Trust me, I get it. And I know it's a lot easier to say 'just don't take it personally' than it is to actually not take it personally. But you won't be doing yourself any favors by pestering people or getting on their case about it. Don't unfollow and then re-follow to try and get their attention (admittedly I've done this in the past, but those were all accidents. My memory is just Bad and I sometimes forget whether or not I've already followed someone whoops), and accept that not everyone is going to want to write with you. Nor are you obligated to write with anyone you don't want to.

Don't be afraid to unfollow/block people. For any reason. Personally, I soft-block whenever I want to actually unfollow a mutual (blocking and then quickly un-blocking them so they're no longer following my blog), that way they know it was intentional. Goodness knows I've accidentally unfollowed people when I didn't mean to, thanks to tumblr's shitty layout. But yeah, you're allowed to block and/or unfollow people, and you don't owe anyone an explanation. Yes, it sucks when it happens to you, and it can leave you wondering what you did wrong. But the sooner you remember that we're all losers writing on the internet for fun and none of this shit actually matters, the happier you will be.

[primergon]

Hey there!! It’s the anon that you matched up with Velocity in one of your latest posts! I’m a little late in sending this in due to some issues with tumblr (the app decided that your blog didn’t exist at all for some reason) but I just wanted to send in a big, heartfelt thank you for entertaining the matchup request I sent in!! I was seriously blown away by the details and effort you put in and your timing was impeccable as it really cheered me up after a rough day at work :,) You put so much thought into everything and I can’t help but wish to see how you’d tackle a matchup with a male bot for me too, if you would at all be willing to indulge me?

I was really surprised that I got paired up with Velocity and all the scenarios were so cute and wholesome that I couldn’t help rereading them again and again- I loved the way you characterised her and I’ll definitely treasure your post forever. Not to mention, it was my first time requesting a matchup anywhere so I was kind of shocked when I got the notification for it 💀 Thank you so much for putting in the time despite being busy and for this blog in general. Your writing really does lift my spirits!

My rambling aside, I was wondering about your opinion on fan gifts and if you’d like a piece of transformers related art? It could be an OC, a favourite bot or even just your persona if you’ve got one, anything at all. I’ve seen some blogs that are uncomfortable with surprise gifts and such, so I thought I’d check with you first to make sure. I just wanted to thank you in some way for responding so earnestly, so please do let me know what you think! If you aren’t up to receiving them, though, it’s absolutely okay! I simply wish to convey how grateful I am, so think of this ask as fan mail that you aren’t obligated to reply to/engage with.

- A very thrilled anon (ง’̀-‘́)ง ✨

A/N : Hello Anon !! Thank you for taking the time out of your day to write this for me, it does mean a lot! (ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡ I'm so glad you enjoyed my work and I do try my best to put in as much detail as I can to make every matchup feel special. I'm sorry you had to go through a terrible day at work, but it warms my heart to know I can help make your day a bit better (｡𓎆 𓎺 𓎆)

Of course! I'd love to indulge you therefore I'll match you up with IDW Rung!

01| Rung is inherently a creative nurturer with this drive to help others. That is why he's the best mech to go to whenever you have trouble expressing your feelings. Rung is patient and encouraging, giving you this safe space that allows you to vent and understand your emotions. He's more than happy to take the first step forward for you. Whenever you isolate yourself, Rung would come looking for you, offering you his help. His concern for you extends professional barriers as he regards you as someone special to him. This sense of comfort and trust was one of the many reasons why your friendship eventually turned romantic.

02| He admires your love for philosophy. Rung is also one for literature and art, so conversation was easy between the two of you. You'll often visit him in his office to spend time together and it warms his heart to know that you approach him for company ( a lot of people only tend to go to him when they want something, so it was a nice change of pace.) You'll be reading to him your latest poem while he assembles his miniature boats. You like how versatile Rung was: beautifully handling topics that most people can't usually stomach. Thanks to you, he has started to open up as well. While sharing stories of his past with you, Rung's eyes were bright and loving.

03 | Although you are subtle with your show of love, it doesn't make Rung cherish you any less. The reason you make such a good pair is that Rung is good at reading people. He knows you're sincere every time. Both of you are more on the bashful side of showing your affection so there's a lot of blushing and stuttering. But once the initial awkwardness wears off, physical touch comes naturally. When in Swerves, the two of you will be holding hands under the table. Rung giving you silent support whenever you start to feel too overwhelmed with the crowd. He also likes stroking your cheeks and holding you close, always delighted whenever you give him handmade gifts. He tries his best to return the gesture: Rung occasionally surprising you with a bundle of novels and books he got from shore leave.

04| Speaking of shore leave, Rung would always take you to the local market to explore the foreign planet's culture. He was more than happy to go on a culinary journey with you even if he can't eat anything, as long as you were enjoying yourself that was more than enough for him. He makes sure to always keep an eye on you because he knows you like to wander around. To avoid being separated, Rung would insist on linking your arms together. Or when he does not have his mass displaced, Rung would carry you away from the commotion. Smiling at you in his arms ( he likes how you make him feel strong, although he's too shy to say it aloud.)

05| Arguments between you and Rung were almost nonexistent. As natural peacemakers, both of you loathe conflict. Yet, when problems arise, Rung isn't the type to shy away from them. Your perfectionism paired with Rung's sensitivity towards criticism may lead to a few disagreements. But it's nothing you both can't handle, especially when no one is better than Rung in finding a win-win solution.

06| Spending time with you is something Rung looks forward to. He loves watching you do art and is supportive of your passions, knowing you'll do great things in the future. Although Rung prefers your taste in historical fiction and comedy, he would sit through horror movies for you every once in a while. Rung has a difficult time accepting the love he deserves. For eons, he's spent his life alone. Now, Rung is more than happy to share it with you.

A/N: I hope you enjoy this anon! Also thank you for the offer on a fan gift (≧∇≦). I am open to fan gifts but you are not obliged to give me anything in return as I am more than happy to give this matchup !! (ˊ•͈ ◡ •͈ˋ) However, if you'd like, I will be more than happy and honoured to receive your present !! I'm very touched, thank you! We can talk about it further in the Tumblr chat or you can drop by my Instagram ( @/primergonn) for a dm. Or you can choose whichever is best for you and I'll follow. Thank you so much for the sweet offer Anon! I'm really thrilled <3 ＊*♡( ⁎ᵕᴗᵕ⁎ ）

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary + badger secondary (bird model)

ie A HOUSE MATCH !!

Hellooo, I’m sorry for bothering you but I’ve found this blog and I absolutely love your character analysis and overall thought about the SHC system, and I could use some help?

I’ve known the system for a while now, since the old SHC tumblr times, and while understanding my current primary situation has been quite easy, I’m having A LOT of trouble with my secondary and it’s becoming a bit of a issue for me because the more I think about it, the more confused I become, to the point where it’s upsetting me a bit.

First thing first, my Primary is a very “standard” Lion, the whole “you feel if something is right or not and if you do something that’s not right to you you feel bad/ill/it’s wrong” is extremely me. I had some doubts about a Badger model, but I think it’s just that my personal ideals and values align a lot with a Badger worldview, since I grew in a very Badger society and family (very leftist, a lot of emphasis on equality and valuing and creating communities). Reading various description/interpretations of primary Lion always feels right, while reading primary Badger always makes me think “yeah, this is all good and nice, BUT…” so this was quite easy to sort out (no pun intended).

Are you me? So far... I could have written this. It’s possible I *might* be biased going forward. 

When it comes to secondaries, I see a lot of myself in Bird descriptions: I make spreadsheets for everything.

 Pretty Bird.

I am a crafter with an apparently endless supply of books and tutorials and supplies ready, and the enthusiasm to share them. 

That sounds more Badger. 

I am the mom friend 

Badger.

who always has what’s needed in their bag. 

Bird.

I am that one person you can count on knowing a funny or interesting anecdote about almost any topic, from the mundane to the truly obscure. Learning new things, about any topic, is literally one of my biggest pleasures in life. 

Bird [model?] Whichever one isn’t your secondary is a model you clearly love.

I take pride in all these things, but I honestly have trouble understanding if I like using them as tools because they help me with my ADHD and so I received a very strong positive enforcement using them and I kept the ones I like, or if I started doing them because they are what I like doing and coincidentally they help me managing my symptoms or better navigate the world in my day to day life.

Could be either, but modeling Bird because you’re neurodivergent is very much a thing.

Also, while I love planning, when it comes to making decisions I tend to gather all information and summarize it in a way that makes sense to me so I can visualize the issue in my mind as complete and detailed as possible, but the final decision tends to feel a bit… impulsive, to me?, there’s always A LOT of gut feeling involved, and when I don’t follow it usually it ends up being a wrong or subpar decision. I do need to gather all the available information about the issue/situation/item/people, but rather than making my decision by comparison, I use the information to make sure that I’m “seeing” the truth (or as close to it as it is possible) and then once I feel safe that I’m not overlooking anything important I just KNOW what is the correct decision.

That’s a Lion primary making a call. 

Could this simply be a very strong primary interfering with the decision-making, even when it’s not about ideals but more mundane things?

Decision making is always a primary thing. Mundane stuff included. Mundane stuff is important. 

On the other hand, I am an extremely hard working person (I am changing jobs right now because I feel like my old bosses are making more and more difficult for me to just do my job properly and without needing to cut corners, and it just feels wrong to me). 

Oh good lord. I am ready to sort you as a Badger secondary solely on the basis of THAT. 

People tell me I’m a very good listener and that I am especially good at helping others unravel their thoughts when they’re all confused and tangled because I ask the right questions. I seem to gain other people’s trust easily and often I get told gossip or secrets before others. 

Badger. Also DAMN but that’s relatable. I think you might house-match me. 

I got told several times by previous bosses that I should look into becoming a team leader because people like me and I make them get along better. 

Sounds like a Lion/Badger combo. 

People get attached to me very quickly and when I have problems the stream of folks asking if they can help or just checking in is always way more than I expect.

Isn’t it weird how that happens? 

This all sounds like Badger stuff, from the descriptions I read, but many of them are not things I actively enjoy doing, I just.. do them because it would be weird to do otherwise? Or it feels like they happen to me with no effort on my part.

Because they’re just you. It’s just who you are. 

I think they might be simply a result of me growing up in a society that values hard work and being kind to others, or just me being a likeable person

Not everyone finds this easy. Not even close. I have read so many testimonials written by people in Badger secondary households killing themselves trying to fit into this model. Wanting isn’t enough. Having examples around you isn’t enough. 

or maybe coping mechanisms I had to learn in order to “pass” as neurotypical but as I wrote the more think and read about Birds and Badgers and their differences, the more I get confused and frustrated.

Now I know I’m projecting, but all my neurotypical coping mechanisms come out of the Bird secondary toolbox. 

But it would make sense since I burned out badly in my teens from trying to always try to be perfect for my family, my friends, my teachers, society 

That sounds like a young Badger secondary, more than a young Bird secondary.

and when I finally found who I really wanted to be I resolved to never let anyone define what or how I should be ever again (hello there, Lion primary!)

I hear that. 

After a lifetime of beating myself up for not living up to the absurdly high expectations I set up for myself, I have decided that the only way to stay sane for me is to do the groundwork, be as prepared as I can

Bird

 put in the work I should

Badger

 but once I’m in the thick of it just… ride the wave. And now I got to the point where I have the confidence that I am smart enough to learn the basics of a new skill on the fly, if needed.

To me, this is so fundamentally, so spiritually Badger secondary. You don’t have tools. You are a tool. You made yourself into one. And that moment where you can just trust yourself to catch the world, absorb it into yourself, and become whatever it needs you to be... it’s ecstasy. 

I’d say that lack of time is my worst enemy, but due/thanks to the ADHD that’s not true most of the time, since lack of time is what enables me to get past the executive dysfunction in the first place, so I’ll say I have a love-hate relationship with it. Doing things just before a deadline is it’s own kind of high, after all (I’m not saying it’s healthy).

At the base of your soul, you’re not really a Bird prepper/planner. 

A practical example: I usually don’t like platforming games much, but I am LOVING Immortals: Fenyx Rising because in most situations, there is a “best” way to do things but you can also get creative by using different skills, using specific items, finding loopholes, or a combination of all of them.

Sounds like a Bird secondary having fun. [a fun model?]

When I fail a level/combat I don’t get frustrated because I know that I just have to try a few more times until I find the solution that feels right FOR ME, even if it’s not the most efficient ones. And when I do it feels great, even if I look a at guide afterwards and there’s a waaay easier solution! I usually feel a bit silly for not “seeing it” but also think something like “well, I think MY way is more fun!”

Oh yeah, a Bird secondary would not have that reaction. That is the sacred Badger consistency of method. How you do something matters equally as much as the final product. 

When I cook, I usually find a recipe I like and try it as written, then I make small adjustments to improve it, see how it turns out, and so on until I have a recipe that is MY recipe, one I really like and that I know well enough to use as a basis to be changed if needed, knowing exactly how the change will affect the end result. I think this is why I prefer baking to other kinds of cooking, since it’s much more akin to chemistry I feel like I have more control over what a change will do. 

On it’s own this could be a description of rapid-fire Bird. And you clearly have Bird, you have a lot of it. You love it. 

So I guess that what really matters to me is being able to do things my way so that I can enjoy the process and live up to my standards instead of external ones? 

But then you say something like this... it’s about the process... it’s about the method... it’s about something coming up to your own personal standards. And that’s so Badger. 

This ended up being very lengthy… I’ve tried shortening it but English isn’t my first language and I was afraid I might come across not clearly. 

Your English is perfect, and insanely clear. You’re clearer than I am. 

Thank you again for the blog, I especially like your DS9 characters’ analysis and I am low-key hoping for more :)

I’m particularly proud of those ones. I’d love to do more, but before that I would have to go back and re-watch the show, or at least key character episodes. I’m not going to sort from memory. That would be doing a show I love, and a number of extremely complex characters a disservice. And it wouldn’t be nearly as fun. 

(it’s that whole Badger integrity-of-method thing, you know how it goes.) 

[hannah-deactivated20220725]

2020 End of Year Friendship Post

Alright, you guys know that I love to make gushing posts about people I’ve grown fond of.

Well, I’ve decided to make a big one for the end of the year. Celebrate the friendships I’ve created and/or maintained in the last year. This is obviously not EVERYBODY as I have shit memory and some of my friends have left the site (T_T) but this list will be a bit long, so I’m gonna post everything under a cut so that it doesn’t bother people having to scroll past it. (: to the people not mentioned in this but that follow me: thank you so much for supporting me & my writing adventure. I know that my blog has been through ups and downs, has changed immensely in the course of the past year, but I hope that you guys still enjoy and do not regret following it.

If you do, feel free to unfollow. I understand that some of you probably followed me for my games or events, which I no longer post here. If you do follow for my games, don’t forget I have a blog centered around writer games now!! You can find it at mywritinggames. You don’t have to follow this blog if you just followed for games. You can follow that blog. I won’t be offended. <3

Alright, enough of that. Let’s get into some lovey-dovey mushy-gushy words of adoration for all a lot of my friends!

PS here’s a list of everyone I tagged on here with comments and the paragraph number in case you want to skip straight to your mush comments:

1. Toby 2. Franka 3. Szandra 4. Raev 5. Jade 6. Lynxxie 7. Ravage 8. Andy 9. Pax 10. Keena 11. Ariadne 12. Ellie 13. Katie 14. Etta 15. Jake 16. Aurelien 17. LJ 18. Fatal 19. Avery 20. Amanda 21. Ari  22. Galaxy 23. Elizabeth 24. Dawny 25. Cat 26. Kry 27. Eris 28. Vermont 29. Erin 30. Piya

The final paragraph is a general comment to everyone, so please make sure to read the final paragraph as well! Thank you all for existing, for staying alive through a rough year, for being here for me and for being my friends. You are all amazing and deserve everything, all the energy love and positivity you put into the world. <3 I love you guys!

1. @lordkingsmith - I’ve already beaten this dead horse, but you are SO INCREDIBLE and I have no idea what my entire mentality would be if not for you. You’ve saved me from giving up on my dreams multiple times by your positivity and always knowing how to help me!! Any time something happens, you’re right there with a solution and it’s mind boggling. You’re literally the only person that can be like “here, help yourself this way” and I won’t get upset about it because I trust you in a way I trust SO few people. You are my little brother and I am so, so happy Jason Zephyr and a stupid tomato guessing game brought us together ;)

2. @franky-ts - girl... you’ll always be my twinny. Always, always. I can’t imagine life without you in it. Even through me deleting my blogs what, 3-4 times now since we met? I always come back to you. You are always the top 2-3 people I search for when I come back because you are my twinny and if I don’t get to have a tumblr experience without you, I don’t want it! <3 I love everything about you and I’m so glad to know you. I’m so grateful to have friends like you that always reach out to me and try to cheer me up when I’m feeling down. I always want to share my ups and downs with you. If not for the damned timezone difference, I probably would. Love you, sis.

3. @catharticallysarcastic - probably my favorite person I rarely speak to ;) A friendship started with writer games and the beauty of her name (Szandra for those that don’t know)... you are a remarkable and beautiful person and you deserve the world and all of your dreams with it. I wish this world was perfect so you could live in a perfect world because you, my friend, are great. And sweet. And amazing! Thank you for being a good friend to me.

4. @raevenlywrites - I know we don’t talk much anymore. I don’t really bombard you with asks like I used to, but I do still cherish you, not only as a writer, but as a person. You have a beautiful heart and are such a caring individual. You will go out of your way for other people and this world needs MORE PEOPLE like that! You are incredible and I hope you reach the absolute apex of what you think life should be. That is my 2020 wish for you. <3

5. @jade-island-lives - Jade.... Jade, Jade. Another great friend that’s been here through my ups and downs of a couple of different blogs I’ve ended up remaking. Jeez, it’s been so long I can’t even remember how we met. But I’m so, so glad we did. You are beautiful. You are so caring and kind. Your writing is amazing and your characters are just... *chef kiss* But this isn’t about your writing, as amazing as it is. This is about you. This is about how amazing YOU, as a person, are. This is about how much I love and appreciate you as a person. This is about how much I am grateful to have friends like you in my life. This about how you’ve been here for me through so much and how I can’t imagine if I’d never met you. Even though we rarely talk like we used to, I still cherish you like we talk every freaking day. Life gets busy, especially as adults. Shit happens, life gets hard. But through everything, just know I love you and am always, no matter what, here for you. <3

6. @wyldlynxx - Lynxxieeee ~ my little Nane fangirl xDDDD you are amazing. You don’t give yourself near enough credit for how awesome you are. You make me laugh and so happy to be alive. We don’t chat like we used to, which... to be fair there are very few that I do still talk to regularly. But I still love you and our friendship. I wouldn’t trade it - for you - for anything. (: I hope one day we can catch up again and start chatting more again because our chats always, always put a smile on my face.

7. @mrs-raven-writes - Ravage! My savage little Ravage!! My buddy! Hey! Hi! You are awesome. Our conversations are so unique every time. We don’t just have the typical ‘hi how are you’ talks. I mean yes, sometimes we do if it’s been a while since we chatted, but for the most part, we’ve had all different kinds of talks. My favorite is when you randomly approached me saying you almost threw down with someone because of a game. xD And finding out that even through your absence you still keep track of me? T_T I was so flattered and still am. You are amazing and you also do not give yourself near enough credit for how amazing you are. I am so glad to know you and I hope that 2021 treats you better than 2020 did because I’d love more than anything for you to message me telling me how incredible you feel and how much life has improved. I freaking love you, girl, and I want nothing but happiness and love for you. (:

8. @violetcancerian - Andyyyyyyyy~ hi!!! omg what to say... I’m not even sure how to say what I want to say. xD A friendship forged by mutual love of King Arthur fiction... turned into what it is now. Even though we rarely ever talk anymore, I still feel so close to you... and I hope that you know that you’re still a very special friend to me. ^_^ you are so sweet and so ENTHUSIASTIC! You spread so much love to others and it just makes me smile! It makes me so happy to see you on my dash, not just for the fics, but for YOU. You, as a person, are worth so much, and I hope you get everything you ever wanted because I want nothing but the best for you, my friend! Happy new year and thank you so much for being my friend. <3

9. @magic-is-something-we-create - Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaxy!! One of my most enthusiastic friends! I always know that I can just chat your ear off about the things that have me excited because you just get so excited with me! You’re like my “pump me up” buddy because your excitement then causes me to get more excited! Instead of mocking my hyperfixations, you get enthralled with me, and I LOVE that!!! You are so encouraging and so increidbly sweet and thoughtful. You always put a smile on my face and even when it’s been weeks since we’ve chatted, our conversations are never stale. I always know if I message you, we’re about to have a fun, exciting conversation. I never get bored of our chats or of you because you’re just so FUN and put such a big smile on my face!!! I love the friendship we’ve built and I really, honestly hope it never ends because you’re amazing. <3

10. @keen2meecha - hey, buddy! We haven’t really chatted in a while but I wanted to include you because we used to chat a lot more. And it was so fun getting to know you and sharing my passions with you. I really hope that we get into touch more in 2021 because I never want to lose that bond we shared back when we chatted more! I enjoy so much talking with you and getting to know your works and sharing mine with you! I hope you have an phenomenal 2021, my friend.

11. @confundere - another buddy that I always look for when I restart my blog (which has happened an embarrassing amount of times). Ariadne is a passionate person with so much to offer this world and I cannot imagine ever restarting my blogs without contacting her. You are someone I think of frequently, even if we don’t chat as much as we used to, and I’m so glad to have met you. (: thank you for being such a great friend to me, and for being so supportive of me. I hope you have a terrific 2021. Happy new year, friend!

12. @howdy-writes - Ellieeee~ we have had many fun chats via our posts and I have massively enjoyed going from “oh what a cute blog” to “wow this girl is amazing!” I have enjoyed from going “aw how cute, she likes lesbian cowgirls” to “this girl IS a lesbian cowgirl!” You have so many incredible layers that are so fun to figure out and you are such a joy to get to know! I’m so glad I got the courage to reach out to you and talk to you because you are one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met on this site. You always have nothing but sweet things to say and I just.... I look up to you so much. Your kindness, your positivity, your love. You, all-in-all, are a role model I wish I’d grown up watching. I hope that all the youngesters following you realize that you are someone to look up to. ^_^

13. @abalonetea - you... oh, Katie, you. It still makes me laugh how long it took me to stop calling you Emily in my head xDDD you’re incredibly talented. But beyond that, you’re a great friend. Always supporting others. Always willing to be there for others. You’re a great person and deserve as much love and support, if not more, as you give. You are so kindhearted and just all around, the best kind of friend to have. Thank you for being one of mine. <3

14. @ettawritesnstudies - one of my newer friends from this year! It was so fun collabing on a positivity event with you! My hope is we can do something like that again because you were a joy to work with. ^_^ you are so kind though. So kind and so thoughtful and supportive. You are exactly the kind of friend I want in my real life. You are the kind of person I could see myself really opening up to and texting every day if I knew you irl. People like you are what make this world worth living in and people like you are what make the world a nicer, better place. I’m so grateful to know you and that you decided to join tumblr. Thank you for everything this year and I look forward to another year of friendship!

15. @homesteadchronicles - Jaaake!! Omg we don’t chat like we did when I was first recommended your blog, but I still cherish every conversation. I cherish every hi and am always sad when we have to part ways. I think about you frequently, even if we don’t always talk. I’m always wondering how you are, how your writing’s going, how your year’s going. You have been a joy to get to know and I really hope one day we can start chatting more again because our conversations always leave me with a smile on my face by the end, and I simply cannot say that about just anybody. Happy new year, friend, and I hope you have a terrific 2021.

16. @copperplatescript - Aurelien!!! I’ve probably said it before but I LOVE your name. It’s so unique compared to names I’ve heard in the past. But beyond that, there’s an amazing person attached to the name!! I love sharing things with you because interesting conversation always follows. You are so fun to chat with and you have so much interesting stuff to share! Your fascinations are so fascinating and it’s so much fun watching the progression of your projects!! I miss our chats but I know 2020 has been a hectic year for most. I just hope 2021 brings more fun and fascinating conversation and brings us closer as friends ^_^ thank you for several months of a wonderful friendship. (:

17. @ljscrawls - sheesh, I can’t believe it took me this long to get to LJ!!!! My buddy ol’ pal. Talented, sweet, fun, funny!!! Pretty much all the best traits in one amazing person. You always bring a smile to my face and leave me feeling so freaking special. There are very few that can make me laugh, cry, flattered and just so happy in one single conversation. You bring so much joy and love in my life and I just can’t imagine ever losing your friendship. And I hope I never have to because I don’t want to be without you in my life. ^_^ thank you for being such a great friend. I love ya!!

18. @fatal-blow - I know we’re not like SUPER close or anything. But I wanted to let you know that you are amazing. Not just because your talent is beyond anything I have the words to voice but... you are such a fun, passionate person to speak with and it’s fun watching you talk about things you love, especially your characters. The way that you make your characters feel so familiar when you talk about them, like you’re talking about an old friend. It’s simply inspiring. I’m so glad I found your blog and started commenting on your posts because the conversations that have ensued due to it have been so memorable. I’ll never forget you, even long after I stop being on tumblr, whenever that happens. Thank you for everything.

19. @just-a-little-bit-of-sugar - girrrrl. You’re someone that I really miss. You are so sweet, just like your name implies, and such an uplifting person to talk about. You’re so positive, and you know. I do really cherish that about you but that isn’t what makes you so special to me. Everyone has down days and I don’t ever want to make you feel like I’ll appreciate you any less for having them, like your positivity is the only thing that makes you worth friendship. Good or bad days, you are a great friend and I want to be here to celebrate the good and help you through the bad! You’ve been a great friend to me over the last year and I only hope you can say the same to me. <3 hope you’re doing well.

20. @amandahoyle - god, our friendship started with a mutual love of DARK writing. Started with my writing of Death Has a Face and other dark stories centered around death and your series I’m reading with DEFINITE darkness in it.... but it evolved into this beautiful thing it is now, that I wouldn’t trade for the world. You are a remarkable friend, always having nothing but nice words for me and I so appreciate how you lift me up during hard times. You’re always here for me and willing to help bring me out of my own personal darkness. And I love and appreciate that so much about you. You are a phenomenal friend and I just don’t want to imagine ever losing your friendship. Thank you for being so kind and so patient with me over the last several months. I’m so grateful to have you in my life, even if just virtually.

21. @leafgreen6 - Ariiiii!!!!!!! One of my earlier friends! I met you through Galaxy and our friendship kind of blossomed. The three of us together create quite a dynamic trio even if we don’t chat together like we used to. You are amazing. I hope you realize how incredible you are. You’re so beautiful, inside and out, and you are so caring toward your friends. You love and support those around you and have such a beautiful heart. You are talented af and a total badass. <3 I wouldn’t change a single thing about you. Thank you. Thank you.

22. @books-of-lunacy - Jesus! Girl, we literally never talk anymore! I hope you’re well. I miss you. We forged a great friendship that I will never, ever forget, even if it fades away. Because you’ve been amazing over the months and I’m so glad to have met you virtually. I used to imagine if we met in person many times xD and I think you’d be a fun person to like go on adventures with at midnight, when the world around us is asleep. (: I’m glad to know you and I hope that 2021 brings you joys that 2020 tried to take away. Miss you and again, I hope you’re well. Thank you for being a friend.

23. @incandescent-creativity - we used to chat sooo much when I discovered your blog, when I originally created this blog! You were one of the first people I sought out when I recreated it because you inspire me SO MUCH. Your passion for your writing and characters... your kindness when answering questions... your silliness and just overall personality and attitude, it all inspires me. Every. Damn. Day. I know I haven’t done my “ask spree” stuff I used to do frequently, which got you accustomed to my url (and was also the reason you apparently actually noticed my disappearance when I deleted my original blog) but just know that I think about you frequently. Not just as a writer and creator, but as a person. As an amazing, inspiring person that I strive to be more and more like. You are incredible. Thank you for showing the world who you are.

24. @dawnsplaceyt - I know you’ve been busy lately and life has gotten hectic but I just wanted to let you know I still think of you frequently and am grateful for the friendship we’ve built over the last year. You are such a warm person with so much passion and love and I’m so glad to have been one of the people that got to witness that. I am so thrilled that your relationship took the next step and I can’t wait to see you start the next chapter of your life. <3 I hope you’re doing well and that the end of 2020 and all of 2021 treat you well. Love ya girl.

25. @missionkitty - Jesus. I can’t believe you’re all the way down at 25. But either way, here we are. One of my favorite people that I met through the odds of an otome game we share a passion for. Your art is breathtaking. I love your style and you as a person are just as breathtaking. You are so free and passionate!! You have so much love for the things you care about and that is so admirable. I look up to you so much, especially as an artist! I strive to be more like you one day. <3 thank you for being so amazing! I look forward to another year of friendship.

26. @kryskakikomi - okay, we know each other more through games and events than we do through actual chats, but I’ve always WANTED to talk to you... and build a friendship? One of my goals for 2021 is to do more outreach toward people I have wanted to talk to but never quite got the nerve to reach out to and you’re one of the top on the list!! I’m thrilled we’ve had interactions at all but I’d be so happy if we could have more in the coming year! Hope your year goes well. (:

27. @leave-her-a-tome - uh, you’re awesome. Enough said, next! No, just kidding. xD but I wasn’t kidding when I said you’re awesome. Even just seeing you on my dash gives me a thrill. You have so much talent, yet are so humble about it and are so happy to support others. It’s quite inspiring to see someone that is so incredible be so down to earth and not full of themself. You are so fun to chat with too! Our chats are usually short but they still bring me such joy. To know that someone as amazing as you LIKES to chat with me? Humbling. And thrilling at the same time! I will never, ever forget you or the time we’ve spent talking and working together!! Thank you for everything and for the support and I hope you have a great 2021!

28. @vermontwrites​ - okay, I know we haven’t spoken much since the Prompt Pals days but I really enjoy your presence - both on my dash and my DMs. You have been through so much yet hold strong. Yes, I know some days are really hard for you but your strength and resilience are inspirational. I hope you know you’re not alone and that I’m here if you need someone to lean on, if you need someone to vent to. You aren’t alone. You don’t have to push through everything alone. You have friends that care and that want to be here for you. You are incredible and deserve love and friendship. I hope you recognize that. Thank you for sticking around and for being you. I hope 2021 goes better for you, my friend.

29. @rhikasa - okay. I know, we mostly communicate via games, but you have been such a positive force on my dash and notes in the last year. I know we don’t chat much but I do still appreciate you and want you to know that. I don’t know like if you think about me beyond the games, but I certainly do think about you and am always hoping you’re having a great day/night. You’re awesome and creative and kindhearted and I’m so appreciative to have you as a mutual. <3

30. @piyawrites - Piya!!! We haven’t really communicated in a long time but I still cherish the times we did chat. We have had so many good conversations with giggles and enthusiasm and support and I love your energy! You’re such a positive force and such a great person to know and chat with and I’m so so grateful for that. You’re wonderful and I hope you recognize the light that you shine on others lives because you do. And you deserve that same level of loving energy that you bring to others. Thank you for being a part of my online world.

Thank you everyone that is listed on this. You are are all so freaking wonderful and each and every one of you hs made a difference in my life. You all have played a big part in why I have stayed on this site and I cherish each and every one of you for all kinds of reasons. I hope you all know how loved and appreciated you are and I wish you all a very happy New Year. May 2021 show many improvements upon the last year <3

[werevulvi]

So I've been away from tumblr for a while. Not sure how long. Maybe a month? I'm writing a book (fiction) so I've been and still am busy with more fulfilling distractions from reality than social media. The book I'm writing is about a woman, Olga, who's transitioning like me, but then she's an assassin. I don't wanna get into all the itty gritty details of that until I'm done, but writing that book has been serving as a great distraction from my gender issues. Except I need to take breaks from my hyper-focused super intense writing spree at times to not accidentally boil my brain. What? Is working on a project for 10+ hours a day, every day, for over a month a little much? Sorry I can't hear you over my autistic hyperfocus. And those breaks get me tossed right back into... mostly dysphoria. That’s what I wanted to rant about.

I know this is an unfair accusation, but sometimes I wonder just how paranoid and anxious feminism has made me. I fully abhor victim mentality, but sometimes reading feminist posts, articles, etc, about the various evils of men (crime statistics, female victims' accounts of male violence, etc) makes me feel... like a victim, and hopeless, for being female. And it requires a lot of effort to dig myself out of that pit. I need to remind myself that I can trust men, that most of them are not violent, that they're not the real enemy, and that women are not so different from men. Otherwise what? Otherwise I'd give into my PTSD and get drowned out by my dysphoria.

PTSD says all men are dangerous and want my pussy, either to harm it or fuck it. PTSD says it's my fault I'm a victim of sexual trauma, because I am female. And I dunno why, but sometimes feminism echoes that sentiment, and that's not great for my recovery, or my long term pursuit of happiness. Dysphoria says I'm too different from men and that's why I hate being female. Dysphoria doesn't want any special treatment just because I'm female. Feminism echoes what my dysphoria says, sometimes, and that's not great. Dysphoria wants equal treatment. Receiving equity due to my "failed" sex feels like... I dunno, like wanting to crawl out of my fucking skin and set it on fire, I suppose. Bad female skin humiliating me. Because that again reminds me that my sex being female is what's wrong, and not the treatment of women as "weaker" and more emotionally frail. Then my solution is to get rid of my femaleness, so that I can be strong, fast and free. Independent enough to open a fucking jar. I feel trapped in the unfairness itself.

I still want to be different from women, not from men. I want to stand out among women, and I'm jokingly boasting about how I'm such an NLOG (Not Like Other Girls) and proud to be different, in masculine ways. I'm proud to be hairier, having a deeper voice, and that female socialization didn't stick to me as much. And likewise, I feel good when I'm similar to men, blend in among them, am compared to them as an equal to them, and that I managed to pick up on some male socialization. This is more subconscious, and not something I really think about.

I still wish I was male, and that impossible dream still hurts, I guess. I've been trying to distract myself from those thoughts by writing my book and... having sexual fantasies in which I am male. Clearly my own home made therapy that made me connect somewhat with being female (3 years ago) was ineffective in the long run, but now I can't possibly make myself believe I'm a man again, just because I still/again wish I was male. It comes and goes, yes, but it's seemingly in a curvy line that over time points me in the dysphoric direction, and not in the desisting direction. And that's what's so hard. That I basically have to force myself to this realization that... I can't talk myself out of my dysphoria, and that that little bit of connection I got to my sex 3 years ago, was an appetizer for a meal I'll never have. That feels cruel.

And I keep telling myself I don't have dysphoria. Nah, I'm just transitioning for the heck of it. If only!

I don't wanna be trans, and I don't wanna be dysphoric. I wanna be male, but that's different. I can't even see myself as a man simply because I am not male and can never be. Thus, I'm a woman, and unhappy with it. Yet, I clearly can't function as a woman socially either, and that frustrates me. I'm happy that I can look and sound so convincingly male in my appearance, and I'm really excited to go back on testosterone, but I... I feel trapped, in a medical condition I cannot escape. And it doesn't matter what fucking caused it, it's not going away! Point is it's not going away! I've tried for sixteen years! I am tired! And now I can't even call myself a man without laughing all the way to hell and back.

Everyone wants to be trans nowadays. Everyone who benefits from a new label. But I don't. Clearly I don't have an easy time with it, and it might be because I just have a shit ton of sex/physical dysphoria, and not even calling myself a man helps. It just adds insult to injury. I don't wanna play pretend, goddamnit, I wanna be a real boy! That's "problematic" to say, because I shouldn't shatter other trans people's dreams. Well, mine's shattered and I wanna whine about it. I don't blame them for their identities. How could I? Ignorance is bliss, and I miss bliss.

I think that's why I feel like I'm a woman who just wishes she was a man, and kinda always have. I wrote it in my diary when I was 16, four years before I even came out as trans, before I knew anything about trans ideology or gender critical or anything, but I knew I was dysphoric and fit the loose criteria for FTM transsexuals, and I didn't like that verdict. It felt like a death sentence, and now... now it feels like a cruel joke.

I don't think I'm really all that different from trans men. De-gendered, perhaps, but still just as bloody dysphoric and still just as much of a testosterone junkie. I'm just a less happy go lightly kinda FtM. I've always been a bit of a nihilist. The "if you leave the half full glass it will eventually dry the fuck out no matter how much water you keep pouring up into it, because the nature of water is to vaporize" -kinda nihilist, not the "the glass is half empty" -kind. Yes, there is a difference. I'm not a pessimist, I'm a hardcore realist, and reality is... being trans sucks and I can't do fucking shit about it. I want a solution, not rose tinted goggles. But at this point, I'd take that too. I've tried... but they keep falling off.

Perhaps I'm too autistic to get gender identity, or maybe I just don't have social dysphoria or gender incongruence, perhaps it just feels so fucking pointless. Words... they're just blah blah blah. They have whatever meaning we put in them. So I changed my personal meaning of "woman" to include my dysphoria and beard, and since then I'm fine with calling myself a woman. But woman is still just a word. It's what I am that I dislike, not what I'm supposed to call it. My problem is not in how people perceive me. They can perceive me as a stranded jelly fish if they so wish, it doesn't change reality that I'm an adult human female. And it's reality, that biological reality, that bothers me.

And I don't like that I realised that, because biological reality is the one thing I can't change. I can change my identity, but my identity as a woman is not the problem. The problem is my sex is still persistently female. And I don't wanna change what is not a problem. Why fix what ain't broken? I get that my sex isn't broken either (well it might be now, considering I've smashed it with testosterone) but I just don't wanna be a woman. Because dysphoria. No point in arguing. It just goes round and round in circles. I can't make a logical argument for why I don't like ketchup either though. It always comes back to "but I just don't like it."

I just get sad, sometimes, over being female, and uncomfortable. And I get envious of men's bodies, and then I get sad I can't have that. And I try to emulate what men's bodies do, which makes me feel a bit better, but then I remember I'm still female, and I try to be okay with that. Sometimes I even half succeed, and feel like "yeah, being a woman is actually kinda badass!" but then I remember that a cranky uterus and estrogen exist in my body, acting as if they want me to suffer a slow (very slow) death, and I get sad again. Is trying to like being a woman even worth it, considering that's mostly been going downhill since I was 3 years old? Well what the hell are my options, aside from that?! Pretending to be a man? Pretending that the nonbinary labels could do anything at all to benefit my existence?

I'm sorry, but I don't see the appeal, in either of those options. I'll try to just exist. That became my focus; just existing. But I can't distract myself 24/7. Because as soon as I stop distracting myself, for even just a minute, I get caught in the inevitable doom that is my dysphoria, and how hopelessly trapped I am inside it.

[funkymbtifiction]

Thank you for your patience, Charity.

I think I wrongly associated the word dreamer with a synonym of the word visionary.

I guess I tried to ask if there is a type that is known for being grounded in reality, responsible yet detail oriented and lost in fantasies at times/ be philosophical.

You see, I tried to assume and start looking into the sensors cause “apparently” they are more common.

I found a character in a book that acts exactly like me, especially when feeling sad which confuses me cause he doesn’t seem like a sensor at all.

He tends to use homework as an escape from problems and feelings, I suspect I have my feeling function in the Tertiary or inferior position on the stack cause I think that is my weakness, besides little outbursts of anger or overthinking, I tend to never speak about my feelings, and showing it through actions (actions speak louder than words~) like acts of service or when someone asks for advice I try to come up with a solution and give them a pat on the back, not necessarily talking about how they feel at first cause I think they need help with their problem, then later we could focus on what they feel.

Have you heard of Sara Mbti on YouTube?

I will link a video, and I am not saying I “relate” to this one in particular but I wanted to ask your opinion since I am a beginner and I thought it was well made.

I have to admit that even without depression I act as I said earlier, tending to be by myself in the most sad cases cause even though I love my friends, and they care about me, I would rather figure it out slowly rather than having a meltdown in front of myself, trying to control what I feel, asking for help when it is necessary.

This is one of the videos of the series (Mbti types in their inferior function grip)

https://youtu.be/mQdagW6gvnw

Sorry for the long texts but I love this blog and to be honest, I wouldn’t really trust other people when it comes to Mbti on Tumblr, cause they just make charts of characters and shows, treating it as a zodiac, that’s why I always come back here for insight.

-------------

Yeah, “dreamer” is better for intuition than “visionary.” Visionary is usually associated with an NJ type, but I would call them more “singular-focused.” This longer explanation is somewhat better. (I would assume you are an intuitive just because there’s a lack of actual detailed evidence in what you provide, as if you are just ‘floating’ in the world and not touching the ground.)

An NP could be ‘grounded in reality’ if they had a somewhat practical and/or fearful Enneagram type that made them want to be realistic and practical and allowed them to develop Te in particular, but their communication with details would be either/or.

Either… a little scattered, unfocused, and forgetful of them, or an over-obsession with them to the point of mild neurosis. (An example from my own life, whenever I get stressed, I become obsessed with irrelevant details – I don’t know which ones to include or leave out, so I meticulously include them all, double and triple checking to make sure I got dates and things right. I even get to a point where I wind up fiddling with the size of my Word Document, to make it more ‘aesthetically pleasing’ for me to write in, rather than just being able to concentrate on writing itself. Or I become fixated with finding every single typo in something, even though I can’t slow down and read ‘deeply enough to force my brain to find them all, and feel like I’m simultaneously bored out of my mind by this tedious task and ‘going too fast.’ Do you have any stories like that, about how your weak sensing function “doesn’t really work”?).

I would say the video is good in the sense that it does illustrate some of what they are hoping to communicate, but I question using Howard Hughes because he had an extreme case of OCD which made these symptoms compulsive and they happened “all the time,” it wasn’t just because of inferior Si, nor do most people’s inferior Si get that bad. I personally have experienced the depressive inferior Si slump – it really is a process of losing all your creativity, imagination, hope for the future, and idealism, and instead becoming convinced that the deeply mentally unsatisfying situation you are in right now is going to continue indefinitely, and feeling a sense of hopeless despair about the ongoing banality of your life, because you can’t see any alternative other than the life you are stuck in here and now. Inferior Si tends to hold to what is familiar in that way, so it drags you down whenever you fall into ‘the grip.’ And because I’m an intuitive, it doesn’t occur to me to do sensory things to get out of it—like change my environment, move somewhere else, get a different job, etc. I just look for intuitive hobbies and mental stimulation in an attempt to try and drag myself out of it – and “resign myself that this is the only life I’ll ever have.” Does any of this sound familiar? I don’t mind living in sameness and doing my responsibilities, as long as I get mental stimulation. That’s all I want. Things to think about.

You seem to use Fi rather than TiFe (how private you are in your feelings, preferring to sort them on your own rather than share them, focusing on Te solutions to other people’s problems, doing rather than talking about your feelings), and assuming you use Ne (it’s unclear here, since you don’t show a strong thinking process or specific intuition other than general vagueness), that would make you NFP rather than NTP. And since you don’t seem feeling dominant and have a strong sense of problem-solving, ENFP might be accurate.

[dgcatanisiri]

Right. THAT is why I don’t watch every video essay that passes through my recommendations, just because it’s about a subject of queerness. Because it wants to talk about one of the biggest examples of queerbaiting as if it existed in isolation from everything else that happened in that fandom.

I need to blow off some steam here.

When it comes to addressing issues of St*rek, you CAN. NOT. divorce the discussion of how the show queerbaited the audience from the audience’s racism. The show had a canon queer character (of color) and centered around a character of color. And, when it came to fan content, what I would usually see come about, if the above two were involved AT ALL? Was crap like this.

A gif of Scott and Stiles, Stiles going for a fist bump, Scott a five, and them just rolling with it, with the text below bringing up a “stoned fratboy” AU. And the very next reblog text drops Scott IMMEDIATELY and makes it into a St*rek thing. Nothing about this show mattered but the characters of Stiles and Derek.

This will forever be what that pairing is associated with in my mind. The erasure of Scott to prop it up, even when it’s not even the subject.

The thing is, this pairing has ALWAYS been my go-to of straight people translating the dynamics of straight relationships onto queer couples, a translation that always misses the mark - aesthetic attraction aside, you aren’t going to genuinely fall for and proceed to act on an attraction to someone who is legitimately aggressive to you. The bully and the bullied do not ACTUALLY end up together, because the bully has made it clear that, if they were given the chance, they’d leave you bloody, not your heart a-flutter. 

AND THAT WAS THE DYNAMIC. For the better part of Derek’s time on the show, he did not give a single flying fornication about Stiles - his focus was on SCOTT. On how Scott - the “Teen Wolf” of the series name - was now a werewolf, how that made a connection between them, as pack. Derek legitimately threatened Stiles with bodily harm on multiple occasions - and in a few occasions off the top of my head, actually followed through with it. Stiles was something that Derek had to put up with, and routinely made it clear that he didn’t particularly care to.

It doesn’t matter how flustered Stiles might have gotten about Derek, the genuine reality always was that Derek DIDN’T care about Stiles. It was not until the show began actively leaning in to the queerbaiting that we saw any positive shift in their interactions. Until that point, it was a lot of antagonism, and, again, antagonism may have often been used to describe straight pairings, but... I mean, people, even the straights are reaching the point of calling out this shit as being unhealthy dynamics at best. 

But they were attractive white guys who breathed in the same room, while being the only romantically unattached characters in the main cast during the first season. Despite the fact that both had plenty of interactions with other characters that could have offered them something with more foundation - Scott and Stiles are best friends who are as close as brothers, Derek is after Scott to join the pack. Stiles on screen is pestering Danny about “am I attractive to gay guys?” and then got him to come over to his bedroom (it’s the same scene as that infamous “Derek in Stiles’s bedroom” bit, not that anyone ever discusses that...) Hell, go in the direction of the dynamic above, Scott and Jackson are rivals on the lacrosse team throughout Jackson’s time. Yet, even with that being the same dynamic AND not involving either character - so not “conflicting” with the ship while offering the same draw in terms of their interactions - it’s a barely touched ship when you look it up on AO3.

So we have the fandom actively AVOIDING featuring the characters of color, diminishing them, and, based on my experience in terms of the content that existed throughout the time of the show’s airing, even transplanting Scott’s characterization over to Stiles - Stiles is the snarky shit who doesn’t mind suggesting killing a perceived threat because he wants the danger dealt with directly, while Scott is the compassionate nurturer who will do everything in his power to find a solution that saves the most lives. But I recall a lot of trying to make Stiles out as “the pack mom!friend,” as if he’d be the one taking care of all these characters if they showed up unexpectedly. 

Like, that example always came with the way he positioned himself over Isaac and Erica in the episode “Raving.” The way that actually is him using them as a shield - if the kanima broke through the door they were pressed against, it’d hit them first, giving Stiles time to run away. But sure, he’s the pack mama, looking out for the baby betas.

When Stiles or Derek suggest or do something morally questionable, they’re justified. When Scott disagrees, he’s the worst. When Derek betrays Scott (working with Peter in season one), his actions are brushed off entirely. When Scott (justifiably) does not trust Derek (his plan for dealing with Gerard in the season two finale), he’s a horrible person for leaving Derek in the dark - even though Derek has spent the whole season actively preying on a group of teenage outcasts, threatening to kill anyone he believes is the kanima, and just generally being a variety flavor bag of dicks.

The fandom diminished Scott, and it even diminished Danny - at the same time that we had Danny and Ethan’s relationship in season three, there were still calls for “a gay couple” on the show. Like, that was the way it was looked at, that “we need a gay couple,” exact words. Because Danny/Ethan was not main cast, or, to put it bluntly since I already said this was a matter of racism, because Danny wasn’t white, this canon gay relationship was ignored and erased in the name of getting the two white boys to kiss. Not “a gay couple in the main cast.” Just “a gay couple.”

For the record, I’m not gonna touch on the age gap element, Stiles at 16, Derek in his early 20s, even though I know it’s become a popular thing to go into as time has gone on - in today’s example of “nuance is a thing,” the nuance of this is that we have adult actors playing teenage characters, which creates muddied waters since fictional construct says one thing, but your eyes and head are seeing actors of a more appropriate age interacting, and while I don’t condone it IRL, this is still fiction and I’m gonna just leave that alone for the time being. The core of my complaint overall here is that fandom was inventing this relationship wholesale and then getting pissy when canon didn’t conform and actors disagreed.

So when you have an interview where, after a few years of being asked repeatedly about “is St*rek gonna happen?” when he plays neither character, when this show is supposedly meant to center on his character, but no one seems to talk to him ABOUT his character, when these “fans” are minimizing him and his character, Tyler Posey makes a snippy remark about how this is “weird, twisted, bizarre, and they’re watching for the wrong thing”? Yeah, actually. He’s right. St*rek shippers WERE watching for the wrong thing.

In the eyes of these shippers, Scott could do no right if it would mean that Derek was wrong. To them, “Teen Wolf” was a description of Stiles (the teen) and Derek (the wolf), and Scott was an incidental character at best. And how dare anyone involved be at all upset over this.

But the videos on queerbaiting NEVER bring this stuff up. And, when those from outside the fandom, who report on these in autopsy fashion, bring up things like Tyler Posey’s comment, they do it in a manner that even suggests that he - the actor who was nineteen/twenty years old at the time of the show’s filming and premiere - was responsible for the various forms of queerbaiting that the producers pushed, like the infamous “Dylan O’Brien and Tyler Hoechlin cuddling on a ship” thing. So, you know, just perpetuating this attitude that permeated this fandom, of this casual low-level racism. 

But no, this never comes up. But speaking as someone who was there during the height of Teen Wolf’s Tumblr popularity? Oh, it ABSOLUTELY was everywhere. But, because the people doing these autopsies were in the midst of this (and, while I’m acknowledging this at the end of this ranting, I do want to be clear that I am speaking about this fandom as an entity in its own right, and not any singular individual in and of themselves, I don’t think that all shippers of this ship are racist or that shipping it is in and of itself racist, just that as an overall experience of this fandom is this core of) or they came after the show’s heyday and missed it, know the pairing for being queerbaited before they know the show/fandom/pairing itself... They’re not seeing it. They’re not talking about it. And it makes for a deep failing in these examinations. Because that racism is why the pairing got as popular as it did. Again, there were other pairings with other foundations available. And yet somehow, it’s the white guys who hate each other getting all the attention in the fandom, over anything else. 

[collectsfallenstars]

Lee Gon’s 3 Rules and How and When He Fell In Love With Jeong TaeEul: An Analysis in 2 parts

Part 1: Love like You Row

It’s pretty easy to say that Lee Gon starts off in “The King: Eternal Monarch” already in love with Jeong TaeEul and he remains in that constant state all throughout the series.  That his character is that flat, as flat as the world according to Jeong TaeEul.  While it may be true that his character remains deeply devoted to her all throughout, I’m here to show you that he isn’t a flat character.  Aside from the external struggle he has with his uncle Lee Lim, and convincing TaeEul of his identity and depth of feeling for her, loving TaeEul also forced him to confront certain things.

On their first chicken dinner together in episode 2 which felt more like an extension of his interrogation instead of a friendly dinner, Lee Gon finds out exactly what kind of person he’s dealing with with Jeong TaeEul. He had just thanked her for being the reason why he survived the last 25 years of his life after his father had been murdered.  She was tied to that one great big mystery of his life and he had wanted to find her all these years. Now she was there, eating dinner with him.  But she didn’t believe anything he said, almost canceling out his entire existence because she did not have enough proof.

We are then taken to a flashback of baby Lee Gon talking with Lady Noh about the night his father was murdered while a cute baby Maximus ran around in the background.  Lady Noh hands over the two things Lee Gon had held onto that night – half of the broken bamboo flute and Jeong TaeEul’s ID.  And then little Lee Gon asks,

“DO YOU THINK IT’S HERE, THE REASON WHY I SURVIVED THAT DAY?”

The flashback ends and we are brought back to the present time with Lee Gon asking TaeEul,

“WHY DO YOU NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING I SAY?”

This was a very good juxtaposition of events.  As a child, the question of why he survived had been foremost in his mind. That’s him questioning the purpose of his existence and he’s tied it to these two objects – the flute and TaeEul’s ID.  One is a symbol of utter power, and the other, I suppose, is love, or his destiny.

And all his life he believed held on to the idea that his life had purpose, had meaning, and it was tied to this woman, before him, who sat there not believing anything at all.  She tells him to stay put till she gets back his DNA test and he takes it out of context and asks her,

“ANYTHING ELSE? IS THERE ANY OTHER REASON? THE REASON WHY I HAVE TO STAY IN YOUR WORLD? COULD THERE BE A REASON?”

This is him grasping at straws, a little desperately.  He’s basically asking her to  tell him, give him his purpose. He’s waiting for her to say, “I want you to stay because of me.” To hand it over to him.  But of course, TaeEul thought it was all bullshit.

In Lee Gon’s world, he’s the king. He has never needed his existence to be validated.  And he has always been sure of who he was. But one thing he was never sure of was his why he survived that night, his purpose.  So he tied his purpose to the flute and to TaeEul. He had probably hoped that he would find it if he could just find her.

And he did find her.  But she doesn’t believe he exists.  She doesn’t believe his Kingdom of Corea exists.  And the only reason, she says, that she’s helping him is just so she can send him back home and get rid of him.

He realizes two things here.  Just because he found Jeong TaeEul doesn’t mean he gets an instant answer as to what his purpose is for surviving that night.  And just because he’s spent the last 25 years attached to the idea of TaeEul doesn’t mean that the moment she sees him, she’ll come running into his arms like a long lost love.  There is no love. At least, just yet.

This must have been a lonely time for Lee Gon. After this scene, we are shown a clip of him visiting an exhibit of Korea’s last monarch.  The building occupies the same place where he and his father were attacked in the Kingdom of Corea. But that history of the royal family doesn’t even include his line.  He has no identity, no history, no purpose.

And in this world, if he wanted purpose, it wasn’t just going to be a simple find Jeong TaeEul and she’ll give you the answer.  He’ll actually have to work for it, find it by solving the mystery of the bamboo flute and work on building a real  connection with Jeong TaeEul.

He finds out exactly how to best do that on this dinner too.  When Jeong TaeEul answers his question about why she wont’ believe him, she says,

“IS THAT HOW BELIEF WORKS?  I’M THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO STILL CAN’T BELIEVE THE EARTH IS ROUND.”

It’s in this part when he realizes they don’t see the world in the same way.  I like how he doesn’t force her to believe him just because he believes it, doesn’t guilt her into seeing things his way.  You know how most people would go, this is how I see it. why cant you see it my way? Nope. He shuts up.  He listens to her and understands that she needs to see things before she can believe them, and works with that instead of trying to change her mind.

He takes on 3 tasks.  He must first convince her that he is telling the truth about his identity.  He next has to convince her that parallel worlds exist.  Once those two things are done, it will be easier for him to convince her that his feelings for her are real.   He then formulates a plan the only way a mathematician and a rower would, tailor fitting it to meet Jeong TaeEul needs.  I've written about this on a previous post, detailing how Jeaong TaeEul’s feelings for Lee Gon devloped exactly because of this method. If you’re interested, you can just scroll down my tumblr. It’s in there somewhere.

As I said, he looks at situations like a mathematical equation. If there’s a problem, there has to be a solution. A beautiful one. And his solutions are pretty simple. Patience and honesty. Every time she asks him anything about his identity and where he’s from, he will tell always tell the truth. No matter how many times she asks the same question, he will always give her the same answer.  This is why rowing is such a perfect sport for him. He makes repetitive motions, moving in a single direction and onwards until the finish line.  That’s exactly how he was with Jeong TaeEul. Keep telling the truth until she believes.  But he won’t try to force her to believe him before she’s ready and endures it every time she insults him or accuse of fictionalizing everything.

If you look at episode 3, on what’s probably their 2nd chicken and beer dinner, he tells her,  

“YOU GOT NOTHING ON MY DNA RESULTS. BUT YOU STILL CAN’T REALLY BELIEVE ME, RIGHT? SO WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? THERE IS NO INFORMATION AT ALL ABOUT ME IN THIS WORLD.”

He leans forward on the table again, making the gap between them slightly smaller. Notice that he doesn’t make the conclusion for her. He just asks her the questions. He lets her make the conclusion on her own; and gives her time until she’s ready to actually say it out loud that she believes him, which won’t be until the 5th episode.  

Having gotten no results for his DNA and fingerprints should point TaeEul towards the existence of another world where he does exist.  But keep in mind that TaeEul needs to see something before she believes it.  And no results mean no evidence. No evidence means, it’s all bullcrap form TaeEul. So when he tells her,

“I HOPE YOUR EARTH CAN BECOME ROUND SOON.”

He is saying “I know you can’t see it, but I hope you believe that my parallel world exists, and that I exist for you.”  Just like the world being round.  He’s essentially preparing her for what’s to come next. And it has nothing to do with seeing his world and him being king because those are things she will be able to see for herself.  He’s preparing her for one of the greatest leaps of faith of all time – believing in love.  It is, after all, an intangible concept. You can’t see it, you can only feel it to know it exists.

Now, when the time finally came that TaeEul got all the evidence that she needed and was finally prepared to believe him, he was still very patient with her as he answered all of her questions about her ID card that was issued exactly when he said it would be.

He goes to her, gathers her hair together in ponytail in one hand, and holds on to the side of her neck with the other, while he answered all her questions correctly, getting rid of her last excuses for not believing him.  He is literally and figuratively holding her steady, as her world kind of fell apart knowing that she had been wrong all this time.  He didn’t jump with glee or anything because he was right and she was wrong. He understood how this must have been terrifying for her and he kind of just was there for her to help her keep it together.  Then he offers her his other world, letting her decide if she wants to see it for herself.

“DO YOU WANT TO SEE FOR YOURSELF? COME WITH ME TO  MY WORLD.”

He holds her hand, pulls her to Maximus, puts both her hands on his shoulders and he puts this woman who had never watched fairy tales on a white horse fit for a prince and princess.  I swear, when snow started falling in this scene, Maximus turned into unicorn for me.  It was that magical.

Physically, you can see him become more protective of her in this instant. He closes his hand over hers. Puts her hands on his shoulders as if to tell her you can depend on me, you can trust me.  He cages TaeEul between his arms as they ride off. And even when they get to Corea, he still has her inside his arms in a protective circle, asks the guards to step back because he knows exactly how flat earther Jung TaeEul will feel in a parallel world.  

He already knows she’s a strong capable woman. But he didn’t hesitate to provide comfort and protection because he understood that even the strongest ones may need comfort and protection at times.

He does gloat here, a little.

“SEE? I WAS RIGHT, WASN’T I?”

Still on his horse, he leans closer to her, almost speaking right into her ear. His lips quite possibly less than two inches away from her earlobe.  I mean…if I was Kim Goeun I’d be shivering with want. But of course, she’s very busy taking in the fact that a parallel world exists so maybe her libido is in the backburner for now.  But when she turns her head to face him, and it was , quite possibly, the sweetest, most electrifying non kiss kiss ever.

Now at this point, he seems to have ticked off all his tasks. Convinced her he’s a king. Convinced her that a parallel world exist. Now the next thing to do is to convince her that his feelings, 25 years in the making, are real.  

Part 2: Love of a Monarch with a Scar

But how real are his feelings?  Because the Jeong TaeEul he’s now with is very different from whatever he imagined Jeong TaeEul to be when he was 8 years old! That’s actually the first thing he had to confront the moment he met TaeEul at Gwanghwamun Square.  After they bicker and he insults her intelligence by asking,

“IT SEEMS YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT A PARALLEL WORLD IS. DID YOU NOT STUDY SCIENCE?”

He finally observes something about her.  He says,

“IS THIS WHAT YOUR PERSONALITY IS LIKE? I HAVE NEVER IMAGINED IT. I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE SOFTER.  THIS IS NEW.”

And this signals to the audience that he is aware that the Jeong TaeEul he had imagined and possibly loved for the last 25 years is different from the real Jeong TaeEul.  He might have arrived at the scene loving only the idea of TaeEul but as soon as the 2nd episode, he takes it upon himself to actually educate himself on all things Jeong TaeEul, setting aside all of his built up notions about her.

In the precinct, even in the midst of his interrogation, he takes the time to really look at her and come to a decision that she “LOOKED BETTER IN REAL LIFE.” So that’s great right, he prefers the 3 dimensional version of her as opposed to a picture. And then when TaeEul finally released him from jail, he reveals that he has already pumped Eunsup for information about her life.  He is making sure that he gets to know her right from the get go.  It was also on the 2nd episode that he went to the library to get to know her world’s history.  He looked up the poet  Kim SoWol and bought his book before going back to his world, just because TaeEul randomly quoted him during their conversation in the bamboo forest in episode 3.

Now he didn’t completely let go of his imagined version of a TaeEul because he did manage to get a short glimpse of a softer TaeEul during their early days together.  Time had to stop before he could see this softer side of hers because at this point, she still didn’t believe anything he said and was less likely to trust him enough to show him her softer side.  So when time stopped, that was the first time he got to see the TaeEul he had imagined all this time.  It was just there, buried underneath the hard, flat-earther exterior. He just had to wait til the 9th episode to finally see this softer, sweeter side of hers.

He also asks her important questions like, “Why did you become a detective?” which is essential when you’re trying to get to know someone. You ask them about their dreams to get an idea about the kind of person they are. Now, when TaeEeul answers,

“NOT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD CAN BE BRAVE.  SO I DECIDED TO BECOME BRAVE.”

it absolutely fascinated him. For someone who’s had his life set for him the moment he was born, the fact that someone can make a choice about which direction to take their lives must have amazed him. He admires this trait, that she can make a decision to be a cop just like that.

Notice also that she didn’t say, “I am brave so I joined the police force.” She said, I DECIDED TO BECOME BRAVE.”  If you look at Lee Gon, the kind of decisions he tends to make are what to do. Do I leave for my home? Do I stay a little bit more? Do I give her my name?  But the one thing TaeEul shows him is that he can make decisions on what kind of person he wants to be, just as she did.  So as he’s getting to know her, learning her, he’s also learning from her.

Why is this important? Because his identity is tied to him being a King. There’s a flashback of his time with his father on episode 4 where the father talks about the duties of a king. He asks, 

“DO YOU THINK YOU CAN FULFILL THIS CALLING, GON?” 

So it’s all about performing a duty that is attached to the title of King. CAN YOU DO IT?  It is never about what kind of King do you want to be? Which makes this part very important.

After she talks about her own dreams and what she wanted for herself, she asks him,

“SO THAT’S MY STORY. TELL ME WHAT KIND OF KING YOU ARE. A YOUNG, HANDSOME, AND RICH KING?”

This question appears to pleasure him, as much as bother him.  He answers,

“A ROWER, MATHEMATICIAN, A WELL-GROWN ORPHAN, AND THE OWNER OF THE FOUR TIGER SWORD. A KING WHO HAS NEVER BEEN ASKED SUCH A QUESTION AND TRYING HIS BEST NOT TO PANIC.”

This is her asking him, “How have you been doing as a king so far?”  How are you?  A question on his well being as a king.  Like whenever he returns to her from his world, he always asks how she has been and if she’s been well.  It appears to have the same effect on him.  It pleases him to know that she wants to know he has been doing.

But then, he also has no idea how to answer her question. And this makes him panic.

Since no one ever bothered to ask him what kind of person, what kind of King did he want to be, he never thought about it.  He just simply accepted that he was a king and had to fulfill the duties that came with it.  It probably never occurred to him that he can decide what kind of king he wanted to be.  It wasn’t just a job, which I suspect is how he sees it.  That’s why he likes escaping from time to time when it becomes too much.  But here was Jeong TaeEul, teaching him how to be a better King because being a cop is so much more than just a job for TaeEul.  Lee Gon is slowly becoming a better King, just by talking to TaeEul.  Imagine how much more glorious he would become once he gives himself fully to her, and she reciprocates that love?  

Ironically though, this love that taught him how to choose to brave is the same love that he has to give up when he finally chooses to be a brave King and save both worlds. But, we still have one more episode so that’s still up in the air.

Now, let’s go back to simpler times when their only problem was themselves and their own trust issues.  So as I said, he makes great effort to really get to know her and once he was able to tell apart the Jeong TaeEul in his imagination and the Jeong TaeEul in reality, he lets her know that he much prefers the real version of  TaeEul.   At the end of episode two, he tells her,

“YOU’RE ALWAYS BUSY AND YOU DON’T CARE MUCH FOR ME. BECAUSE OF YOU, I’M POWERLESS HERE. BUT IT’S FINE.  YOU ARE MUCH MORE AMAZING THAN I HAD IMAGINED.

This moment was especially pitiful because he said this after revealing to her that he felt hurt that she kept leaving him when she’s the only person he knows in this world.  But even through his hurt feelings, he is able to understand why she does this.  He understands that she’s busy, that she has a life, and that to her, he was simply just a stranger.  So if we jump to episode 8, when TaeEul asks him if he would have fallen for her if she had been rude and decided not to help him, Lee Gon really wasn’t lying when he said,

“I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD AND THAT UNDERSTANDING WOULD HAVE LED ME TO FALL FOR YOU.”

Because he was already doing it as early as the 2nd episode.   She had just upset him and there he was, understanding why and still finding her amazing despite it all.   He tells her this in what seems like a love confession, at first, but it really isn’t.  When he compares her to the number Zero, he’s essentially saying that she alone can make him weak but at the same time, has the power to give him strength. And that whenever he felt trapped, she was the only one had the power to save him – like that night of treason.  He was seeing firsthand the effect she has on him.  And he sees that

she already has this much power and influence over him even without an established relationship.   That’s how much power he has handed to her by the simple fact that he has hung on to her existence for the last 25 years.  

This was not a confession of love but somehow, it feels heavier than that.  I appreciate how he didn’t rush to say the words I love you to her at this moment, but instead chose to show her what she meant to him.

I feel like saying I love is sometimes a cop out, you know. I’m just gonna lump all these feelings for you together and call it love.  But Lee Gon does not do that. He constantly reveals to her how she affects him. He is constant in allowing himself to be vulnerable and honest with how he feels for her.

“YOU LOOK BETTER IN REAL LIFE” is attraction.

“WHY ARE YOU TYING YOUR HAIR? DON’T TIE YOUR HAIR,” is a marked preference for the TaeEul in real life because the TaeEul in his imagination has her hair gathered in a low ponytail.

“DON’T GO. IT TOOK 25 YEARS FOR ME TO MEET YOU.  I HOPE TODAY WILL BE A LONG DAY,” is him begging, or bargaining for more time with her after having pined after her for so long. And he doesn’t hide the fact that he has pined for her for a long time.

“THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. BECAUSE YOU EXISTED SOMEWHERE, I WAS LESS LONELY FOR THE PAST 25 YEARS,” is deep gratitude.  Just the thought of her somewhere brought him comfort in his lonely life and that’s a powerful thing.  Most people depend on an actual presence of a person for them to be significant enough in their life.  But for Lee Gon, just the idea of her had been enough.

“THAT’S COOL, LT. JUNG TAE EUL,” is open admiration for her character and spirit.

But I think what really drove it home for me, and also my favorite declaration of devotion, is when he said, “I IMAGINED BRINGING YOU HERE LOTS OF TIMES BEFORE” when she asked him why he looked so calm after bringing her into the palace and the entire staff erupted in disarray.  It is a very simple line, but so naked in its honesty. And Lee MinHo delivers it with the glee of a child who opens his gift on Christmas  morning, gets exactly what he wants, and proceeds to tell his parents thank you because he’s dreamed of it all year long and now it’s his.  Except for Lee Gon, he’s dreamed of it for 25 years already.  Just the weight of that longing is flabbergasting.  Can you imagine anyone loving you this much?

However, for all of Lee Gon’s openness about how he feels for TaeEul, I don’t think he ever fully allowed her into his world until the 6th episode. And this is because of the 3 rules he has always abided by when it comes to himself and all three are rooted in his trauma from that night of treason in 1994.

He doesn’t eat food that hasn’t been tasted beforehand.

No one touches his body.

No one can call him by his name.

Now the first two are broken as early as the 1st and 2n d episode.  TaeEul cuffs him at Gwanghwamun Square and once more back in the precinct.  Then on the 3rd episode, she tapped Lee Gon on the shoulder on her way to the restroom. By this time, he’s not even protesting when she touches him, he even welcomes it now.  And this is growth for him, considering the last time someone touched him in such close proximity, he almost died.  And on their first dinner together, he actually surrenders that rule willingly, using that point to tell her what the idea of her has done to comfort him for the last 25 years.

But his last rule, the one rule he clung steadfastly to, was the one that did not allow anyone to call him by his name.  He consistently refused to give her his name in the first 4 episodes, and even when he finally did give it to her at the start of the 5th episode, he still stuck to the rule.  He gave her his name, but she is still not allowed to use it.

Now, on episodes 5 and 6, we see him on uber boyfriend mode. He’s like a kid who finally got a puppy. Here, let me take care of you. Here let me feed you. Here let me give you alcohol. Here let me kiss you. Here let me pick you up when you’re stranded. Let me play with your hand and show everyone how I feel about you. Let me pat your head to comfort you when you’re lonely.

He’s basically a giver. Let me love you. But the danger in being with someone like this is that they control what part of them you’re getting, because they pick and choose, very frequently, so you never feel like you’re lacking for any affection. But you’ll never know the full extent of what they’re giving and holding back because they won’t let you in. And he hasn’t. At least, not completely.

TaeEul had to find out the whole deal with Lee Lim and the night of treason by google searching Lee Gon and his family.  When he tells her,

“I GUESS YOU NOW KNOW WHAT ROOT YOU ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF.  IT’S MY HELL AND MY HISTORY THAT WAS ENGRAVED ON MY BODY BY THE GREED OF THE PERSON THAT KILLED MY FATHER AND STRANGLED ME.”

he simply confirms what she found out. But he didn’t offer the story himself. No matter how vulnerable he is with everything else, this source of his trauma is still something he struggles with.  And the way that he clings to the rule that his name must never be called by anyone is a manifestation of this.

Names are deeply personal and the people who are close enough to him to say it out loud are both dead.  So since he was 8, his name has never been called.  He has always existed as Pyeha to everyone and this safe distance  has guaranteed him safety.  No one will ever get close enough to try and murder him like his uncle did. But this also afforded him great loneliness. Because Pyeha is only a title but being King has swallowed up his entire existence.  That’s why he panicked when TaeEul asked him what kind of King he was.  That’s why the idea of his purpose for surviving that night still evades him.  Because if he doesn’t know who he is beyond the title of Pyeha, or King, it’s going to be hard to find out his purpose too.

And his name is his last barrier against TaeEul.  He’s given her everything, except for the right to call him by his name.  But she doesn’t wait for it. She punches right through his wall when she said,

“I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, LEE GON.”

And he is left there, dumbfounded, because she dared.  He says,

“I THOUGHT MY NAME WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CALLED. BUT I GUESS IT WAS SUPPOSED TO CALLED ONLY BY YOU.”

And with this, by calling him by his name, she is now the person closest to him. And the impact that this had on him was huge.  He’s been an orphan since he was 8 and no one has probably called his name with love until now.  She just blasted his whole world wide open. And this, I think, must have been the moment when Lee Gon fell in love with Jeong TaeEul, completely, helplessly, and fiercely.

[ranvwoop]

TALK ABOUT AMERICAN HEALTHCARE I HAVE AN IDEA OF WHY IT'S THERE BUT I WANNA HEAR THE EXPLANATION ALSO THE ONLY HOUSE THAT"S NOT ON FIRE (YET) FOR THE SAME REASON I JUST WANNA SEE THE ANALYSIS:TM: IF U WANT I WANNA SEE IF I GOT IT RIGHT :D

Hi :DDD. Thank u for asking,,,, I have many thoughts. I am sorry in advance. This is one of those things I will put under a readmore because I am into rambling. IT GOT A LOT LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED IM SORRY. Like. a lot. It was 4 pages in google docs because i dont trust tumblr to save my drafts

Okay a lot of my Ranboo thoughts are about the syndicate / boreal trio / peerpressure duo. But you’re probably aware I am a Them enthusiast first and both a dsmp enjoyer and person second. Because. I really like the syndicate. I also don’t have too too many thoughts on the more recent lore past the experiments. Once the in character monologues stopped, so did my brain. I communicate through monologue to monologue communication.

American Healthcare is actually gonna be the main reason why this is so long bc it works Very Much for like three different reasons. One sorta niche and abstracter reason is a stream that was basically never elaborated on back in March, either the day after or very close to the peerpressure Egg confrontation stream. The egg called him a coward (for some reason my brain can Only come up with the “stop saying i look like chicken little. he’s dumb, and a coward, and i am NOT a coward” vine), and he is not a coward, so he decided to make an action plan to bring the server together by acting as a mediator for all parties and try to make sure that everyone is happy, because he’s the only one that can see all sides, or something. This was where he said the big happy family™ line but other than Ranboo Become Dream?? analysis nothing else really happened and everything went along as normal.

(I also always held a little bit of suspicion on this stream actually and thought it might be the influence of the egg, because it says it can give one whatever they want, and ranboo wants to make everyone happy and this was a totally foolproof way of doing that. Sort of in a similar way that BBH is convinced that his plan will totally make Skeppy happy. But also Ranboo is just like that, but this felt a little more on the nose than usual and he did fall into the egg and made his decisions after being egged on by it, buT WE’LL NEVER KNOW, WILL WE?

… also I really wanted to see more egg conflict at the time. Peerpressure rlly got involved in the egg plot for cameos at the banquet and nothing else. I do not blame anyone and respect the ccs for all of their attempts to weave plots together but also. also…. we.. we coulda had so much…)

That was a little off topic from the point, but… he really just thinks he can save the sick… he can see that everyone on the server is unwell and is wrong but, y’know, look inwardly, the unwell is coming from inside the house. And an inherent problem of the way that the server runs. And if this is still lowkey in effect or not (idk man a) ranboo has monologued a lot I simply chose a one off from march to grow emotionally attached to and b) i think that my brain has shut off once ranboo stopped solo lore streams), it would probably go the way that most choosing to change the system from the inside goes. Which is the point of the song and stuff! He will inevitably decide what’s too far, whether he will either admit it’s a choice or just feel that it’s what he has to do. The, uh, dealing with the devil, to be polite.

in conclusion (but we are not close to done here i’m holding you for a bit longer), i think a lot about that stream and i think that shows what he wants to be, at the very least, and continuing down that path would definitely go into being far more trouble than just a noble goal of wanting to help people, from negotiating with corruption (The lobbyists, the Congressmen and lies bit) and that the server can’t really be brought together and saved like that (When things are more and more this way / Sometimes it's like they'd rather die)

THE LESS. vwoop why have you written an unnecessarily long post about one stream in your playlist character analysis reason is both more literal and piece by piece and also Syndicate, My Beloved, you know the drill. We are going line by line because I have a lot of feelings about American Healthcare, apparently.

This also comes back to that everyone on the server is doing Really Badly, all of the time, but mostly his time in L’Manburg. For one, he is pretty complacent in everything and doesn’t really accomplish much in terms of actual change, so like Well people die every day / I wouldn't have it any other way / I just think they should feel good while they are alive. An example of this is Exiled Tommy — who I’d also metaphorically put as the dead man just for funsies, since Tommy’s whole exile thing was one of the first things Ranboo experienced on the server—as he did try to be friends with Tommy and keep him company with his letters, but he still has no power over the actual issue at hand. Just trying to make it a bit more bearable. Similarly is Techno, while Ranboo still participated in the butcher army that was trying to kill him, he helped in the meantime until he “died”.

And then it’s the Realization that participating in the system doesn’t really help much, and the subsequent Everything. It could be getting mad at the whole government system and that he didn’t mean to contribute to the harm, or how he fought with Fundy using hs ideology but not in the way that Ranboo thought. It could also be standing up to his hallucination Dream, in that he doesn’t try this hard to be a good person just to be accused of helping with all of the things that he may or may not have helped with. (That is… a discussion for not right now, I don’t know.) And I think this sort of area is also where it’s like they’d rather die is also relevant, cause Doomsday. Nobody could just set aside their governments and just get along, though Ranboo had his own solution to fighting and things.

And then he joins the Syndicate! And the lyrics of the song are directly Government Bad, because government bad. Canon anarchist, has done things that he’s not proud of as a part of the government. The lines it was the government / … It got louder over the years / Until all that I could hear was flies and all.

But honestly I think in the Syndicate he’s still trying to “save the sick”! Because the Syndicate don’t All fit eye to eye either. He’s the token pacifist, and a vote against violence whenever it comes down to it. Not all anarchists are violent but Techno and Phil will probably react strongly when provoked, due to All the past events, and I live in a world where their trauma and issues get talked about as much as everyone else’s. Since everything is decided by vote it’d probably be split between them and Ranboo + Niki, who is in her healing/no longer resorting to murder arc. He’ll help them negotiate and then everything will Be Okay, ideally.

(Also I just like the idea of Ranboo believing that he is helping the people he’s living with because canonically cc!Ranboo has said he just really cares about his family and the syndicate are included in his family shut up but they also just believe they’re helping him and yes it’s self indulgent. I care them. Particularly Endduo, actually, or whatever they're called, I am not bold enough to think Ranboo looks at Techno and thinks I Can Fix Him, but. Philza Minecraft will one day talk about his feelings. One day.)

There’s also radioduo and beeduo as of recent— really I’m just saying I think that Ranboo constantly has a Need To Help People, believes he can do it, and it will come back to hurt him in the end (except for the Syndicate because I’m in denial. The Syndicate can’t fall out if they never stream together :) ).

THIS CONCLUDES THE AMERICAN HEALTHCARE PORTION OF OUR SHOW.

The Only House That’s Not on Fire Yet !! I like this one. This is also blatantly there cause Syndicate. They are the only faction that is not actively falling apart, and this could absolutely be because they never stream together. But I do not care. However we are also going to go through this one piece by piece because we’re nearing 1500 words here and I might as well embarrass myself more. I am writing an incredibly informal essay about Ranboo My _Beloved (i assume his middle name is My, and he’s just one of those people who write his full full name) and this is the third page. If you’re still reading this, I’m sorry. Here we go.

There are lines that just seem like an unwell but recovering person, and I like to sort of think that way about Ranboo in the arctic during the down time. “I feel knotted up today / But in a most exquisite way” and “I feel strangely regular / But honestly I prefer it to / The usual bizarre” are just! He’s just hanging out. He’s doing good. There is the acknowledgement that he’s usually not doing well, and all of the episodes that he’s had in the past, and it’s probably strange to be doing well in the midst of everything, and there’s probably something impending, but now? He’s doing good!

The verses directly after both of those ones are about uncertainty and trust and such, and I feel like that’s not necessarily about just One relationship but all of them. Will cause problems as long as he has an accomplice. He is not confident but he trusts and loves people.

“This suit doesn’t fit me / I made it conterfeitly” I just like to think about Ranboo in his fancy suit, but it’s just a little wrong because he actually has no idea what he’s doing. I also like to think about Ranboo in a cape to fit in with boreal trio and later the syndicate, and emerald duo had matchy blue outfits from the Antarctic Empire… and trying to fit in with them…. or maybe They make him something.. You know. Much to think about.

“Killing me with déjà vu” I think is like. A little less fun, because despite how well things are going, the enderwalk is still not resolved and he had even less answers when I started thinking “this is a ranboo song”. Just as it relates to having a strange sense of reality and stuff, which goes into specifics of enderwalk headcanons, which would make this far longer. Even though I’ve framed it as a negative, there is also the more positive note of “Oh! I just thought of how to change all the hate / Into love with the old switcheroo / Dancing in my déjà vu / You'll be dancing too” which I’d rather explain broken up but I feel like as it’s a full verse it should be together. The first part is connected to my general thoughts of him explained earlier tbh, he’s trying Very Hard to make everyone happy and fix things. And adding the second part to it is just like! He is trying to make sense of everything, and it’s not so scary as time goes by. Since the experiments where he’s been (questionably) trying to be more comfortable and get more answers.

This was very long. I am sorry. I am ending it here and probably not going to do much formatting to make it readable because it is very late o’clock and also this is four pages and 2000 words I am so sorry. But if you read this far then. Uhhh thank. ^v^.

[porcupine-girl]

i’M nOt GoNnA wRiTe UnTaMeD fIc

This is the prologue, currently I have 19k written so far and if I do manage to finish, it’ll likely be in the 50-75k range. But I’m at that stage where I gotta share something.

Basically: Lan WangJi decides that if Wei Ying won’t come to Gusu, he’ll just have to go to the Burial Mounds.

Most of the dialogue in this prologue is from the show - probably a mishmash of different translations. Tell me if I’ve fucked up canon at all? The intention is for this part to be fully canon compliant, nothing that would contradict canon (other than possibly some of his internal thoughts) until it diverges the very end.

PS Sorry, I deleted my first try at this post because Tumblr fucked up the spacing and I didn’t want a version with the wrong spacing to get reblogged while I edited. I’ll just have to put periods where on AO3 there will just be blank lines.

"Then come back to Gusu with me. Explain everything slowly."

"Gusu? You're talking about that place that has over 3,000 rules? I don't want to go."

Words had never been Lan WangJi's strong suit.

"Lan Zhan, what are you really up to?"

"Wei Ying, in the end, there will be a price to pay for evil cultivation."

He tried to explain himself further, tried to make Wei Ying understand that he was worried, that he didn't want to punish him, he wanted to help him, to keep him from destroying himself.

It was only much later that he could look back on the conversation and see what Wei Ying had probably seen: anger, vindictiveness, care for rule-following rather than Wei Ying's wellbeing.

Wei Ying rejected his help. And so Lan WangJi resolved that Wei Ying's wellbeing was clearly not his concern.

His resolve did not last long.

.

"Let me help you."

"Okay."

He hadn't known, at the moment he offered, what help he was even offering.

He believed Wei Ying when he said he wasn't using the same type of demonic cultivation that Xue ChengHai had created the Yin Iron for. He did not believe that what Wei Ying was doing was safe, or well-advised. But against all odds, it had gotten him out of the Burial Mounds alive, and Lan WangJi could see why Wei Ying might cling to it after it saved his life like that.

The help he could think to offer wasn't enough. He watched over Wei Ying, stepped in when he thought Wei Ying's cultivation was causing him to become ill-tempered before it could tip over into anything dangerous. It was a stopgap, not a solution.

.

"You agreed to let me help you."

"But if you don't trust me, how can you help me?"

It wasn't that he didn't trust Wei Ying. He didn't believe Wei Ying to be lying to him—he simply wasn't sure that Wei Ying was correct in his assessment of the dangers in his Stygian Tiger Amulet. Didn't understand how Wei Ying could be so confident, or whether he would even know if the Amulet was influencing his thoughts.

But words had never been Lan WangJi's strong suit.

"Once your mind becomes unstable, you won't be able to control it."

He knew from Wei Ying's response that he'd said the wrong thing. He didn't believe Wei Ying was anything like Wen Ruohan—but he also knew that Wei Ying was only human, and even Lan Yi hadn't been able to control the Yin Iron.

He should have said that.

When Wei Ying accepted his peace offering, lent the sound of his flute in duet with WangJi's guqin, he had wondered if maybe he could tell Wei Ying everything he felt through music. But it was an absurd wish. He needed to find the words.

.

"I'm studying new musical scores."

Wei Ying had been offended at the idea of Lan WangJi using Cleansing, so surely he would understand this as the peace offering it was meant to be. If that song and its powers were not what Wei Ying believed himself to need, Lan WangJi would find something they could agree on. If Lan WangJi couldn't dissuade him from this path—and he had basically given up any illusion that he could—there had to be something that would keep Wei Ying safe. Healthy. Sane.

"You really are… stubborn."

Lan WangJi resisted the temptation to roll his eyes.

"Who is more stubborn," he asked, "the one who continues to offer help, or the one who continues to reject it?"

"Oh, come on, I've let you help me," Wei Ying said in a lighthearted tone that Lan WangJi could tell was an act. "I just don't need that kind of help, that's all. You don't need to fix me, Lan Zhan."

"I—" How could he explain this? It was true, he would like to reverse the damage that working with so much resentment had clearly done to Wei Ying. Though his primary concern was preventing further damage.

It occurred to him that Wei Ying might mean something else entirely. Lan Zhan didn't want to fix him, he wanted to heal him. Wei Ying was not broken, not defective. Did Wei Ying think that was what he thought? Was that why a hint of bitterness had snuck in on the word fix? "Wei Ying—"

"Shh." Wei Ying cut him off with a sharp gesture, one ear turned back toward the feast happening within the palace. His faux-lightheartedness was gone, replaced by a sharp, angry expression as they both listened to Jin Guangshan, like the boor he was, publicly pressure Sect Leader Jiang into renewing the marriage arrangement between Jiang Yanli and Jin ZiXuan.

"What the fuck is that asshole trying to pull now?" Wei Ying grumbled, and Lan Zhan could only follow him inside and hope that he wouldn't need calming.

.

"Lan WangJi, Lan WangJi, who am I to you?"

That hurt, but it wasn't as bad as Hanguang-Jun.

"Can you mind your own business?"

Surely it was his business if his friend was injured.

"What am I to you?"

If they were no longer friends, he hoped Wei Ying would just say that and let him heal from such a heartbreak.

"Once I considered you my soulmate."

Wei Ying looked sad, maybe resigned, but… not confidently rejecting him. It was something.

"I still am."

There was a spark of hope in Wei Ying's eyes, one that slowly faded as he looked down at his flute. Lan Zhan wanted to reassure him, tell him he wouldn't make him choose between their friendship and his cultivation, but…

But words had never been his strong suit.

.

It was wrong to be so envious of Jiang Yanli. Especially when she was the one doing the right thing, standing up for Wei Ying when Lan WangJi could only stand beside him and hurt because Wei Ying was hurting.

Could only wish he had her way with words.

.

"I want to bring someone back to the Cloud Recesses."

"Bring him back and hide him."

.

In truth, Lan WangJi didn't expect Wei Ying to comply, either. He'd asked him once, but surely he knew by now that Lan WangJi had no intention of bringing him there to punish him? And even if he wouldn't let Lan WangJi help him in any other way, if nothing else he was in growing danger from the other clans. Jin ZiXun would happily see him dead, and many of the heads of the smaller sects would happily deliver him to stay in the Jins' good graces. Perhaps, even if Wei Ying wouldn't accept Lan WangJi's attempts to heal him and prevent further damage, at least he would accept an offer of sanctuary until the cultivating world moved on to another target.

Perhaps. Most likely not, but perhaps…

.

If enough rain washed over him, perhaps he could forget which drops were rain and which were tears.

Perhaps it would wash away his confusion, his doubts.

Perhaps the cold of the rain would bring him clarity, perhaps the patter of the drops around him would explain to him how it could be that one man could be doing what is right despite the fact that all of the world's leaders had declared it to be wrong.

They were leaders. Their job was to know right from wrong, and to enforce that which was right.

Perhaps, failing that, the rain could at least wash away the sound, still ringing in his ears, of Wei Ying saying he would want Lan WangJi to kill him.

.

"Do you know what you've done wrong?"

"Are you going to continue making mistake after mistake?"

"What is the 52nd discipline of the Lan Clan?"

This time, Lan WangJi was not silent because he didn't know what to say.

He was silent because he knew that there was nothing he could say that would make his uncle less angry with him.

Nothing true, at least.

.

"Is there anyone who can give me a bright future path that is easy to go on?"

Lan WangJi said nothing, because he didn't know. But he hoped.

.

"WangJi, where have you been this past week?"

"On a night hunt."

"On a night hunt where?"

Lan WangJi clenched his jaw.

"In Yiling."

"And while you were in Yiling, did you speak to Wei WuXian?"

He could lie.

But even if he no longer believed the Lan Clan disciplines were the ultimate arbiter of… anything… he couldn't bring himself to break one merely for the purpose of avoiding punishment. There was nothing righteous in that.

"Yes."

"Did you make any attempt to capture him, or any of his Wen disciples?"

"He has no Wen disciples."

"WangJi."

"He has no disciples of any name."

"Did you make any attempt to capture him or any of the rogue Wen he is harboring?" Lan Qiren's voice rose with rage.

"No."

"WangJi, you have been warned away—repeatedly—from associations with such evil people. I can't understand why you would—"

"Wei Ying is not evil." Until now, Lan WangJi had been keeping his eyes averted, not wanting his uncle to see how he felt. Now, they cut daggers into Lan Qiren. "Nor are any of those who live with him in the Burial Mounds."

"What?" Lan Qiren let out an incredulous huff that wasn't exactly laughter. "What possible reasoning could you give to support such an absurd statement?"

Lan WangJi averted his eyes again.

"Is this question sincere, or rhetorical?"

"Excuse me?"

"I will explain my reasoning clearly if Uncle truly wishes to hear it. However, if this is a rhetorical question and Uncle has no intention of taking my answer into account—"

"ENOUGH!"

Usually, Lan WangJi withstood his punishments through sheer mental discipline and meditation.

This time, he didn't meditate. He made a plan.

[fablesrose]

Of Kings and Shadows XXV

Description: Y/n, a girl who seems to have found her calling. Being a SHIELD agent is like a dream come true. With a friendship starting to form with the Avengers, she’s the Queen of the world! What could go wrong?

Pairings: Avengers x reader, Loki x reader (eventually)

Notes: On Wattpad –> Here

 Series Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day Loki came and tapped on my little corner with enthusiasm.

Guess what I brought!

I hope, for your sake, that you aren't holding something up for me to see, 'cuz that would be embarrassing since I can't see it.

Loki started to sputter a little bit, I'm not an idiot Y/n, honestly!

Just making sure.

He projected an image to me unexpectedly, which gave me a headache momentarily since I was still focusing my sight through my eyes. It was a little blurry while I tried to focus on it and not the smudged splotch of color on the floor the same color as my face and hair. Luckily it didn't take me long to recognize what he was showing me.

My phone? Don't tell me you've been keeping up with my Tumblr... Do you even know what that is?

You wound me.

I snickered at him.

No, I did not go through your social media. Rather, I thought you would enjoy listening to your playlist.

A feeling that can only be attributed to a favorite song washed over me at the thought of it. The radio that Loki had put on in the down-time was great and all, but nothing could compare to the playlist you made with your heart and your own hands.

I spoke quietly, Yes, I would like that. I would like that very much.

He wordlessly connected my phone to the speakers and put it on shuffle. I instantly recognized the song, but I had to wrack my mind for the name.

Out here in the fields I fight for my meals I get my back into my living I don't need to fight To prove I'm right I don't need to be forgiven

I smiled and hummed along, occasionally mumbling a line or two when it came to me. Loki stayed silent, but I could tell he was listening in contentment.

Don't cry Don't raise your eye It's only teenage wasteland

I just let the music surround me in a way I haven't felt in years. I almost forgot the situation I was in.

Sally take my hand We'll travel south cross land Put out the fire And don't look past my shoulder The exodus is here The happy ones are near Let's get together, before we get much older

It was going by so fast, but at the same time, time seemed to slow.

Teenage wasteland It's only teenage wasteland Teenage wasteland Oh yeah, teenage wasteland They're all wasted!

I could feel the end of the song coming all too soon and I still couldn't remember the name of the song, or even the artist. I became angry, at myself, Henry, the world, everything! I was angry that this was so sad.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to sob and to scream. Why couldn't I remember? Why couldn't I remember something I loved so much? It hurt. It hurt so damn much that I slammed myself against the wall that's caused me so much grief. The barrier held strong, it was as if I was running into a brick wall.

That's when Loki stepped in. He wrapped his magic around me, to keep me still, to calm me.

Hey hey, it's okay, you're okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.

I noticed he had stopped the music from continuing to the next song. I took a moment to calm myself, No, you didn't upset me, Loki. It's just... I... If I'm forgetting things that I loved so much, what else am I going to lose? What else have I already lost?

Loki paused for a second, Well, that's what I'm here for. We can work together to get you better alright? I can help you remember.

I sighed, Okay... What was that song? It hurt to ask, but what else was I supposed to do?

Baba O'Riley by The Who

I let myself soak in the name... It sounded so familiar. Maybe I felt more whole for a moment. Maybe I just identified another hole. Whatever the feeling was, it was a comforting discomfort that I wasn't sure I wanted to feel again, but I knew I needed it.

So that was what we did. For days Loki would come and play songs from my playlist. He would tell me the ones I couldn't remember and celebrate the ones that I did. It was a slow and embarrassing process, but I could tell I was making progress. Loki was being so supportive... Almost too supportive.

Loki?

Yes, my dear?

Why... Why are you being so nice to me? I mean, I appreciate it very much, but we weren't really on the best of terms when I disappeared.

We weren't on the worst, though.

He made me chuckle, but still.

He sighed, I suppose I found you intriguing...

Past tense? I couldn't help but poke fun.

He chose to ignore me, But then you disappeared and I never got to study you.

I'm flattered.

You should be.

There was a comfortable pause before I asked another question that's been on my mind, Loki?

Yes?

Why has no one come to visit me?

There was a short pause that I quickly filled.

I mean, I know I can't answer them back if they try to talk to me, but people visit and talk to comatose patients. We don't even know if they can hear them, but I can hear them... and... I trailed of pathetically. I really shouldn't be upset, this is more than I ever let myself hope for. Isn't it great to be so selfish?

It's nothing of your doing Y/n. Director Fury wishes for me to be your only contact until he begins the reports. They will all be in attendance then.

That's... That's good to hear.

He hummed in response and we moved on to other topics.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day came when I was supposed to give my report. I still had no idea how this was going to work, but I trusted them to come up with some sort of solution. I waited patiently for them to arrive, but it seemed to be taking forever. The room was deadly silent for what must have been hours. There wasn't a voice or a footstep that broke it.

Y/n, are you ready?

Loki startled me with a sudden address.

Is everyone here already? I thought I would have heard Thor's lumbering footsteps!

He didn't even chuckle when he began to explain how it was going to work, No, we are in a nearby room as to limit the Queen from hearing anything.

I found it interesting that he called Noxy the Queen. When talking to me he usually called her Noxy. It occurred to me that he might be speaking out loud for everyone else's benefit.

I will hold an illusion of you to speak through. You alone will be able to hear and see the conversation. The illusion will mimic your motions and intentions that you portray. Do you understand?

Yes, Loki.

It felt like a tether was attached to me, the other end I didn't know, but I assumed it was the "control cable" for the illusion. There was a moment where nothing happened, but then I screamed.

My mind couldn't decide on what picture to focus on and it caused me an immense amount of pain. It kept flickering back and forth between the white floor of my cell and a blurry group of people in front of me. I clutched in upon myself to try and block off the instant migraine. I was surprised to hear my own voice saying, "Turn it off! Turn it off!"

Just as suddenly as it happened, it stopped.

Are you okay? Loki sounded worried.

Instead of answering his question I told him what had to change, I can't do the vision. It just... hurts.

Of course.

This time the tether attached seemed smaller, and after a moment I could hear the sounds of people idling. The shuffle of feet, the quiet breathing. It was relaxing. Nobody actually spoke for a while, so I had to break the ice, "Hi."

"Agent L/n."

It was a little hard to decipher voices with the combination of not being able to see and the amount of time that's past since hearing them, so I spoke tentatively, "Director Fury?"

"Correct. Do you understand that you are here to give a report so that we, Shield and the Avengers, may come to know of the nature of your capture so that we may prevent future incidents?"

"Yes, sir." Before Nick could continue I asked, "May I ask who is here since I cannot see?"

"In order to not overwhelm you the only ones here are myself and the members of the Avengers who you know."

I nodded, or felt like nodding.

Nick cleared his throat, "Alright, is there anyone who would like confirmation that who we are talking to is indeed Agent Y/n L/n?"

There was silence. It stretched out awkwardly, "Is anyone raising their hand? Loki are they raising their hands?"

"Ye-"

"NO!"

"So do you guys need confirmation or not?"

I could hear a number of voices mumble out a, "Yes, we would appreciate it."

I chuckled a little awkwardly, "Uh, was there a code word that I was supposed to remember? Cuz I very much do not remember it if there was."

"Y/n would never forget a code word!"

I was offended, "Fucking hell, Clint!"

He gasped, "She would never talk to me that way!"

"Woah, woah!" Who I thought was Tony cut in, "First off, Clint? You don't have any code words!"

He grumbled in response.

"And two, Y/n your filter is gone."

I smiled, "Damn straight."

Tony sighed, "Okay, so we all want confirmation that is actually you, so lets have you tell us something only we would know."

I took a moment to think it over, "Do you guys remember when..." I kinda chuckled at the memory, "When I video called you when I knew you had recently got off of a mission and had no plans and I asked you guys over for a movie night at my apartment?" It was a fond, if not totally embarressing memory. "Steve awkwardly declined for everyone, saying that you had a lot of work to do after the mission. I was totally disappointed, but hung up before anyone else could say anything or show that I was disappointed. I mean, I already had the movie picked out, popcorn popped, a number of snacks set out, and I even rearranged my living area to fit everyone in it!" I wished I could see their  faces, see the recognition, maybe their smiles.

"But, over the next hour, every single one of you came over, not together, mind you! Clint and Natasha first, then Tony, surprised he wasn't fashionably late, Thor and Bruce with Loki dragging behind, and then Steve, with a slightly red face." I surprised myself in remembering those details.

I, my illusion, was probably smiling from ear to ear while recanting the story, "We watched Ghost Rider and mocked how totally cheezy it was and yelled at the screen when the 'monster' scene came on." I huffed with amusement, "That was a very good memory I liked to look back on..."

I didn't hear anyone say anything or even the shuffling of feet, "Uh, hello? Does anyone need a personal story? A reassuring joke? I hope not, because I very much did not have access to the internet."

The silence wasn't even broke with a chuckle. I began to grow scared. Did they leave? Do they not believe me? I'm sure my smile cracked.

"I believe a personal story or two could be beneficial to their conscience, Y/n." Loki's voice was soft, but rigid.

I made a soft popping noise with my tongue as I thought about who I could talk about first. This was a cool illusion to make a subconscious sound. I came to a stop when I just decided to talk about what first came to mind for each of them, "Natasha, I remember when you first walked in the door of my apartment for that movie night, you pulled me aside and said some very comforting things to me as well as some choice words for others." I laughed, "and I swore that those things would stay between us, so I am going to keep it that way."

That got the ball rolling so I just started to pour out everything, "Clint, when I first met you, you could have showed off to impress me, but instead you used your skills to make me smile. I- I really appreciated that, and that might have impressed me even more than you hitting every bullseye."

I was glad I wasn't actually talking because this was a lot of talking, "Thor." I grew serious, "I really appreciate you sharing your food with me that one time. And all the other times you don't know about."

I heard a quick inhale of air and I took that as a signal to move on, "Tony, the care you took with me, guiding me through breathing exercises, taking me to the infirmary after... the Loki incident. I'm forever grateful you were able to show that to me."

"I remember one mission where there was a lot of chemical and radiation components that needed to be understood. Unfortunately, I am not that proficient in that area, but fortunately I was able to approach Bruce. He walked me through everything I needed to know for that mission even late into the night in his lab," I smiled.

"And finally Steve." I willed my illusion to look him in the eyes. I hoped that's how it worked and hoped that Loki would make it happen. "This is very important. I absolutely hate running with you."

At this point the silence was beyond unnerving. "So either nobody likes me enough to talk while I'm blind, Clint is signing at me like an idiot, or everyone just left and Loki is keeping the illusion up for no other reason than his enjoyment. I can see you doing that Loki, I know you can hear me."

There were a few snorts around me before Natasha spoke up, "Uh, Clint just said that you'll get along with Sam just fine."

"I have literally no idea who that is, but I'll take that as a good sign."

"Hey," Tony cut off the laughing, "we didn't hear a story about tikes turtle over there."

There was a beat of silence.

"Wha--who?"

"Yeah, not my best idea. Loki. We haven't heard a story about Loki."

Loki quickly cut in, "I don't believe that will be neces-"

"I must give the people what they want!"

"You really don't."

I started anyway, "My fondest memory of the jolly green giant would be when I was high off of cold medicine and pulled some wicked ninja moves to steal chocolate from our dear Rapunzel while crying over rom-coms. He nearly blew my cover. Happy?"

There were a few "Very"s thrown back my way before Nick had had enough.

"Alright, is everyone convinced that this is indeed Y/n?"

"Yes."

Nick cleared his throat, "Okay, so Agent L/n, you know how this works. According to our calculations, you were a prisoner for two years before you emerged as the asset we know as Queen, correct?"

"Uh, sure."

"Agent L/n..."

I sighed, "I trust your calculations, sir, as I had no sense of time while in captivity. I could have been in there anywhere from six months to six years and I wouldn't have been the wiser."

Nick grunted, "What exactly did they do to you in those two years?"

I mentally straightened my shoulders in preparation of the story I was about to tell. I guess I should have known, I guess I should have been ready. But here I was, trying to control my thoughts.

"The majority of those two years were spent doing two things: being locked in a cell made of concrete walls, and being shoved into rooms with another prisoner. There were two rules when we were put in that room: don't start before they told us, and... and I quote: 'fight like your life depends on it, because it does.'" I took a moment to steady myself, "like a gladiator arena, it was a fight to the death, with our bare hands, only one of us would leave the room alive."

"So we can safely assume you won every round?" I wasn't sure which of the guys had spoke since I wasn't really paying attention.

I chuckled darkly, "That's the thing... My honest answer would be a no. I got beat to a pulp, but they stopped my opponent before he could kill me. My first fight... I lost."

Maybe that's what made it that much worse. I was saved to commit worse atrocities.

"So yeah, between the experiments, the locking me away in the latter part of it, and the immense amount of pain, I lied in a small cell with a roommate I called my friend, and killed other prisoners to weed out the weak ones for hell knows what."

I didn't have anything else to say about the matter so I stayed quiet until Nick was prepared with his next question.

"There was another agent who went missing the same mission that you did: Ichabod Laime. Are you aware of his status?"

"Yes, he is dead."

"What was your relationship with Agent Laime?"

"I would have called him my friend."

"How do you know he's dead?"

Before I could answer Steve mumbled, "Shouldn't you have asked that question before?"

"Don't test me Rogers!" Nick snapped at him roughly.

"Easy, sir. I'm the one who killed him."

There was a quiet sputtering going on around me.

Nick recovered enough to ask, "Did they force you to?"

I left a pause where I would have breathed, "No, I killed him of my own free will."

I felt the tether flicker and pull a little bit. It confused me. It felt like something was missing, or different all of the sudden.

It didn't help that I couldn't see anything. I thought I heard whispering in the room. Fuck me for telling the truth I guess. I was going to be locked up forever.

"Let's call it a day. We'll continue this another time Agent L/n." Nick sounded almost rushed.

Before I could respond the tether was cut and I was left in silence, not even left with a goodbye.

Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gY5rztWa1TM

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