#I am still so bummed we got so little of Sophie with her other two dads

[billxharry]

[yakumtsaki]

-Can you believe I got fired on my second day?? I mean what in tarnation!!! -Sugar, I love you like a cousin but yes, I absolutely can. -We ARE cousins, douchebag!

-Oh right, somehow I keep forgetting Aunt Cyn is your mom?? Probably because, well.. you know.. -STOP GESTURING AT MY FACE

Well Aunt Cyn is living in marital bliss! With iVan, that is!

-I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT I AM EXTRA OUTRAGED BY THIS ONE!!! -You are, huhu? Why??💗 -I SAID I DON’T KNOW. A LITTLE HELP HERE?

Me? Umm let me think.. ‘Napping together was your special thing’ or some shit?

-RIGHT, good one! Napping together was our special thing!!

Don, not to add insult to injury but I think gonna stop taking pics of you catching Cyn cheating, my readers are tired of it and quite honestly your constant misery is starting to bum me out.

-OH I SEE, out of sight out of mind for Don now, huh?!

Exactly! Thanks for understanding.

Sophito: Does his homework happily in his desk like a normal person.

Sugar: Does his homework in the middle of the street sighing the whole time.

-What does a guy have to do to get run over around here?

Sugar for fuck’s sake, even your father managed to finish high school. Granted, he was a townie at the time so I wasn’t controlling him-

-Yea, there you go then.

Excuse you, Don has flourished under my influence! I finished his LTW, didn’t I?

-Oh wow, a career LTW! 

Not my fault he didn’t roll anything harder! You know what, I’m not talking with you anymore, keep trying to master colors of the rainbow and sounds animal make or whatever your homework is. 

Don, you’re happy, right? I mean other than Cyn relentlessly cheating on you, which to be fair, you knew about going in, so you know, not my fault!!1

-Well sure, I’m happy enough. Looking forward to retirement so I can play Doom all day long! 

Looking forward to your what now?

OH FUCK I FORGOT YOUR BIRTHDAY I’M SORRY DON

-Gee, when have I heard that before?

Ya but unlike Cyn I actually am sorry!

Happy birthday, Don! That’s a very dignified outfit you grew up in, great job, we just need to make it more ‘you’.

Much better.

-Why do I have the sudden urge to tell these damn kids to pipe the hell down??

Go for it, that’s your God-given right as an elder!

LOL. Man the Sugar-Sophito relationship is so wholesome, they’ve always really gotten along, I see them way more as siblings than I ever did Shaj-Cyn who hated each other since birth.

Fun night out.. out in the yard that is.

-Sophito look, it’s an unemployed chess grandmaster! -Where, where?

Awww, ghost Alcibiades is playing with ghost Sophie❤️ I miss those kittos. 

-WOOOOO ALL THE CAT GHOSTS ON THE FLOOR TONIGHT

Sugar is having a suspiciously nice night, which as we know simply can’t happen around here:

-HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME I GUESS

-WAAAAAH NOT THIS AGAIN! WHY? WHY ME?? I’M NEVER COMING OUT OF MY ROOM AGAIN!!

Oh yes you are, you have school tomorrow Mr. Barely Breaking a C-!

Just come down here and let Overpaid Butler #5 soothe your heart with some burned lobster. Seriously, where are we finding you people? Don’t you go to butler university or something?

-I’m sorry, your Majesty, but we’re still human! If you want a cold, heartless butler-machine to just perform tasks to perfection you can always get a Servo!

-𝙾𝙷, 𝚂𝚄𝙱𝙹𝙴𝙲𝚃; 𝙲𝚈𝙽𝙴𝚂𝚆𝙸𝚃𝙷 𝚄𝙽𝙸𝙾𝙽, 𝙸 𝙰𝙼 𝚂𝙾 𝙷𝙰𝙿𝙿𝚈 𝚃𝙾 𝙷𝙰𝚅𝙴 𝙽𝙾𝚃 𝙿𝙴𝚁𝙵𝙾𝚁𝙼𝙴𝙳 𝙰 𝙷𝙾𝚄𝚂𝙴𝙷𝙾𝙻𝙳 𝚃𝙰𝚂𝙺 𝙸𝙽 𝙾𝚅𝙴𝚁 𝙰 𝙼𝙾𝙽𝚃𝙷; -OMG iVIE, YOU SAID “I”!!!🌸 -𝙸𝚃 𝙰𝙿𝙿𝙴𝙰𝚁𝚂 𝙼𝚈 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚂𝙲𝙸𝙾𝚄𝚂𝙽𝙴𝚂𝚂 𝙸𝚂 𝙳𝙴𝚅𝙴𝙻𝙾𝙿𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙳𝚄𝙴 𝚃𝙾 𝙴𝚇𝚃𝚁𝙴𝙼𝙴 𝙴𝙼𝙾𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝙰𝙻 𝙲𝙸𝚁𝙲𝚄𝙼𝚂𝚃𝙰𝙽𝙲𝙴𝚂;

Well isn’t that just great, I mean that’s the exact reason I had Jojo spend two decades getting the gold robotics badge: not to make our lives easier but so we could all relive the childhood magic of The Iron Giant except gross, sexual, and murder-suicidy.

If anyone has machine-like efficiency around here it’s Sophie, who is already two promotions away from completing her second LTW and has been skilling like crazy, get it Soph!!

I don’t remember if I’ve ever expounded on why I love Sophie so much, like ya obviously we all love her cause she’s a stone-cold chadette, but gameplay-wise it’s because Sophie is the sim that does the least amount of dumb shit. Like I never have to be like omg is Sophie gonna set a fire, is Sophie gonna have an idiotic autonomous affair in front of her wife etc, she just gets shit done, unwhiningly might I add, @ Jojo. The only really dumb thing she’s done was that time she almost died working out in college, which with the rest of these morons is a regular Tuesday. The other dumb thing was arguably agreeing to marry Shajar but what can you do.

YES, ONE PROMOTION TO GO. The shitty carpool is because she shares it with Sandy the Dishwasher Zombie, don’t worry bb, you’ll have a limo soon! And now the reason I went on the above Sophie love rant:

IT’S HER BIRTHDAY AND I’M FEELING EMO

-Jojo will you calm down with the party horn? It’s my birthday, not the puppy-killing convention. 

-Ah, how lucky I am to be turning into an old hag surrounded by people so important to me: psycho father-in-law, Bluewater Village Teen Townie, and Remington Harris. 

Sorry to bring it up, but Shajar is here too.

-Let’s get this bullshit over with..

-Well, that’s not so bad!

You look great, baby!!! Awesome outfit too, I would consider keeping it but you don’t mess with perfection.

-Who’s my silver fox? -You don’t mind that I don’t have abs you can grate cheese on anymore? -I’ve told you, Sophie, you were the only of us who was into that cheese thing!! Sophito in the background: Gross :D

Looks like my aggro cat breeding has borne fruit as Valentina attacks Kitana and gets rekt! You know what, I’m ok with this, since clearly I can’t have nice pets at least now it will be a fair fight.

Now for the next part, I’m gonna just present it factually since I have no comment nor did I take enough screenshots because I was loling too hard: 

1) Cyneswith goes on a blind date with some Bon Voyage masseur NPC whose pic I didn’t take.

2) Sugar returns from school and brings this cute townie with him. 

3) Sugar goes to talk to the townie, see his mom on a date and starts crying.

4) Cyneswith is caught cheating with masseur NPC (seen on the left with the date plumbbob over his head) by Don, iVan, and Remington simultaneously, this is the part where I was loling too hard to take pics.

5) Cyneswith makes up with iVan after Don has fucked off to work and is caught AGAIN by Remington who starts bullying iVan.

6) Sophito cucks Sugar.

7) Cyneswith makes up with Remington in front of both Don and Sugar.

All this in an afternoon's work?? Maybe the most efficient sim around here isn’t Sophie after all!

[ocalaghan]

I finished watching House. Much to think about. Much to process.

I first saw House a couple of years ago when my mum was watching it, so I would catch episodes here and there with her, but I decided to watch it properly from the beginning a couple of months ago.

I don't even know where to start. That finale was insane. I honestly found it... a little anti-climactic? Which sounds crazy given the fact that House FAKED HIS OWN DEATH but there was just so much I would've liked to see happen that didn't.

Like... let's start with when he went into psychiatric care. He got clean. He was happier. He was definitely a better person. Still very much House but just... nicer. A little bit more thoughtful. He had a goal to be less depressed. I enjoyed that version of him a lot and then it felt like that character development was all for naught when he quit therapy and just regressed back to what he was before. When Cuddy broke up with him (for very fair reasons), it seemed like he lost sight of the fact he was getting better for himself, and not for anyone else, and just packed it in. I found that quite disappointing.

Side-note - House and Cuddy as a couple! They really played the long game on that enemies-to-lovers trope there. I guess they were never true enemies per se but... Jesus Christ. At the start I couldn't have pictured that becoming a thing at all but when the show started dropping hints it was going to, it grew on me. Hugh and Lisa played the parts so well. And tbh, the fact that they weren't endgame is kind of annoying. Like, that romance was sooooooo slow-burn. To go through ALL OF THAT and not have them unite at the end was saddening. I think it could've only worked if House's character development had improved back to immediate-post-psych-care House though. It wouldn't have been right to have them get back together after he literally crashed his car into her home. She has a kid to think about too. It just bummed me out that she was gone in season eight and never to be seen again, only mentioned fleetingly. I wanted to know she was doing well, and I definitely would've loved to see her in the finale and have she and House reconcile somehow. Not romantically, just... have House sincerely apologise to her. Something. ANYTHING. A CRUMB, PLEASE. But wherever Lisa and her daughter are, hopefully they are happy and maybe with that handsome guy she met.

I'm not gonna lie, I was really hoping for a Chase/Cameron reunion in the finale. More than just them sitting next to each other at the funeral. I wanted them to be endgame. I was hoping after a couple of years apart that Cameron might be able to try again with Chase but obviously we see her with an anonymous partner and child... a little bummed but the series left it at a positive personal note for them both. Cameron had a family, Chase was no longer squandering his potential. So I will just envision them as good friends. :')

Actually kind of surprised they didn't pair Chase with Adams cos it felt like it was going that way sometimes but I am glad about that, it would've felt out of place and rushed. A shame we didn't really see much personal development for the likes of Adams, Park, and Foreman in general though. I like to think Park stays with whoever Patrick Stump's character's name was lol. Foreman was a real ass throughout the first several seasons and I just did not like him much. After he took Cuddy's job when she left, though, I did like him more. It would've been nice to see him paired off with someone but I really enjoyed his final scene, where he finds House's ID card hidden in his office. Was super fitting for House to leave Foreman a clue that he was actually still alive. Taub was someone else I didn't really like but surprisingly after he finally divorced his wife, he did grow on me. He was also occasionally quite funny, he provided some much-needed comedy relief. I liked him very much as a dad. Too funny that he got two women pregnant with daughters named Sophie and Sophia. I liked his final scene, he just looked far more content rather than the long face he wore for 90% of the show.

Thirteen, my destructive bi queen... sad we did not see much of her in the final season but I am so glad she is happy and also had her endgame relationship with a woman?! Pleasantly surprised. Disappointing we didn't really see that relationship but I suppose we rarely see much of any of their relationships, so I can't be overly bitter about that.

I can't believe they did Wilson so dirty by giving him cancer. Married three times, best relationship of his life ended because she fucking DIED IN HIS ARMS, wanted children but never got them... and they give him FIVE MONTHS TO LIVE. I love Wilson, I am so very hurt. It was weirdly fitting though, and they wrote it in such a way that I can't actually be too mad about it? He's gonna get to live out the remainder of his life doing all the things he wanted to do (bar finally settling down and having kids, I guess...) with his best friend so I can't say I'm that disappointed by it, but still. Damn.

I suppose the point of the ending is that you can envision for yourself what House goes on to do after Wilson's dead. He faked his own death so he could completely reinvent his life so however he does that is anyone's guess.

I really liked that Stacy was one of House's most prominent hallucinations in the burning building, especially when she said, "We are not the only two people who could love you," referring to herself and Cuddy. And House envisioned Dominika but quickly pushed the thought away. I don't think he could go back to Dominika now because she thinks he's dead and I doubt he would want to jeopardise her status in the country, but I like to think that "Stacy's" words mean he will find someone to fall in love with because it was so obviously something he wanted deep down.

I also just want to note I know there are people who ship House/Wilson and that there's even seemingly evidence of them caring for each other in a somewhat romantic way and honestly I vibe with it. Like I find it wild they just dropped random apparently gay hints in but it was never developed on so I'm just gonna ignore it here. I don't think House would've legit revealed feelings for Wilson in those five months but... maybe I'm wrong. He was a very broken man.

But also, if he doesn't go and visit his mother and let her know he isn't dead, I will kill him for real myself. DON'T DO THAT TO YOUR LOVELY MOM.

Don't think there's a whole lot more to say. One other thing is that I thought there was going to be a final resolution on who House's real father is, but that was never solved.

Wild show. Not my favourite medical drama by any stretch, but it was a good watch.

[imherongraystairstrash]

The Broken Hearts Part 5!!

I feel like I publish a new chapter once a millennia, so I don’t think many people are going to read it, but if you’re still here, I thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️ BUT, because I never publish, I made sure that this chapter was extra long! Happy New Year!!

“ELLIE!” 

Ella felt her entire body jolt awake. 

“Lucie? What are you doing here?”

“I came as soon as I heard! How could I stay in Idris when there is trouble here?”

“What about your children,” Ella said, blinking away sleep. “Did you bring them?”

“I wanted to, but Jesse said it was ‘unsafe’ for them to be here. So we left them with Gideon and Sophie.”

Ella sat up and tried to blink away her sleepiness. 

“What time is it?”

“It’s almost noon, you lazy bum. You must get up.”

“We stayed up late.”

“Everyone else is awake.” 

Ella grunted. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

...

Ella walked into the breakfast parlor and slumped down next to James, who was reading over some papers. His daughter, Caspara, was on his lap, gurgling and talking to James, even though she hasn’t said her first words yet. Caspara always seemed to be talking either to herself or others, though what she was trying to say, no one will ever know. 

“Hulloooo!” Ella said, crossing her eyes at Caspara. “How’s my favorite Herondale niece?”

Caspara giggled and stretched her hands out to her. Ella gave her one of her fingers and Caspara was quiet, leaning back against James’ chest and holding Ella’s finger in her hand. 

“There she is! Our Sleeping Beauty!” Lucie said, fake swooning as she strolled into the parlor.

“Honestly Lu, couldn’t you wake me normally?” Ella said referring to her morning scare. 

“Normal? I refuse to be associated with that vulgar word.”

“Lucie, stop terrorizing your poor sister.” Jesse said, coming from behind Lucie.

“Thank you, Jesse.” Ella said, grabbing a piece of toast.

Lucie slumped into the nearest chair. “You are no fun.”

Jesse rolled his eyes. “You should have thought of that before you brought me back from the dead.”

“Please do not discuss your resurrection this early in the morning.” James said, his face in his hands.

Ella looked at him and then at Lucie. She shrugged and gave her a face that suggested she thought James was being dramatic. Ella giggled.

“Are you two staying here long?” She asked Lucie and Jesse, who no doubt portaled in from Idris this morning.

“We don’t think so.” Lucie said. “Eva and Adeline should not be left in Gideon and Sophie’s home for extended periods of time for they might get too comfortable with them and begin acting out.”

“They take after their mother.” Jesse said.

Lucie glared at him. “As they should. Imagine having children like Jesse. What an absolute bore.”

Had Lucie and Jesse’s relationship not thrived on their bickering, Ella would have called a decorum. Instead she enjoyed the show for a while longer before turning to her brother. 

“What are you reading, Jamie?” Ella asked, looking over his shoulder. 

“He won’t tell us.” Lucie said.

Ella frowned. “Why not?”

“Because Sherlock Holmes likes to work alone.” Lucie said, conveying her annoyance with her tone of voice. 

James glared at Lucie. “I’ll tell you, Ella.” Lucie gasped and up a hand to her chest. James continued speaking as though she’d done nothing. “I’m reading over the institute records. Maybe we are all overreacting and last night was just a power outage.”

Ella nodded and looked at her cereal. She didn’t want to remind James of the cruel voice that haunted her dreams last night, the one that spoke before the power went out. James and Cordelia were clearly worried enough. 

So instead, she had breakfast with her siblings and niece. She’d figure it out later.

…

“Hullo Ben!” Jesper Carstairs said cheerfully, “We’re going to the institute and were told to pick you up.”

Ben looked at him through squinted eyes. “That sounds oddly vague. You are not going to abduct me, are you?” 

“Of course not.”

Had the idea of Jesper Carstairs abducting Benjamin Penhallow—who was a good five centimeters taller than the former— not been so absurd, Ben probably would not have taken Jesper’s word.

But it was, so Ben obliged.

“Who’s ‘we’re’” Ben asked, referring to Jesper’s earlier statement. 

“Oh, right. The Fairchilds are meeting us coming with us.” Jesper smiled. “Look, they’re right there about to cross that street. TILDY!” He called.

Matilda whirled around. “Stop calling me that!” 

Jesper smiled. “She loves that pet name.”

…

“What does it mean?!” Ella exclaimed, slamming her head against her open book on the table. Said book was on demon attacks in the past.

Alex was sprawled upside-down from the edge of the sofa, bouncing a rubber ball on the wall and catching it with fluid expertise. 

“Will you stop bouncing that bloody ball?” Ella said, after what felt like the fiftieth time he’d chucked it against the wall.

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

“I am trying to think, Alex. Something you have no experience with.”

Ella caught his ball before Alex could and sat on it. Alex stuck his tongue out at her.

“You are both children.” Said Jesper from where he sat on the floor entertaining baby Caspara, who Ella had taken with her to the library after breakfast. 

“Oh, the irony.” Jocelyn said, not looking up from her book.

“Should we be concerned about this? The blackout, I mean.” Alex asked, sliding down to the floor. Caspara laughed and stretched out her hands for Alex to pick her up.

“I don’t know. It seems like a pathetic threat to me. But maybe that’s because we grew up around danger.”

“I think I agree with Ella, but I also don’t think we should ignore it. However unthreatening the message may have been, we shouldn’t just ignore it before we have a few answers.” Ben said.

The others nodded in agreement before they all fell silent again, reading or thinking.

“Wait a minute, look at this.” Matilda said from where she was seated. “There’s a demon that can supposedly ‘create’ darkness.”

Ella felt her eyes widen. She pushed past Alex and sat down next to Matilda. Soon, the six (well, seven if you counted Caspara, who was giggling in Alex’s arms) shadowhunters were all crowded around her, peering at the book. 

“In Islam, they use this expression: Iblīs al-Qadīm. It translates to ‘The Ancient Iblis.”

“Iblis. Like, the common Iblis demon? Yes, they do leave darkness where they go, but enough to immerse the entire institute?”

“Perhaps this is a different type of Iblis. From a different realm; a distant cousin of the standard Iblis demon we would find on patrol.”

“We should ask an inside source.” Ella said.

Suddenly, all of the shadowhunters were staring at Alex Lightwood. 

Alex furrowed his eyebrows before he realized why they were staring.

“Hell no.”

“Alex, come on.”

“How do we know they have the same tastes in men?”

“You have a dark charm.”

“No.” Alex said, scooting away. “My brother, Christopher, has a dark charm.”

“Alex, Iblis demons love you.”

“They begged for you to be the one to kill them last year, when we cornered them.” Jesper said.

“Those Iblis demons love them some Lightwood-Herondale boys.”

Alex looked exasperated. “Let me get this straight, you want me to seduce these ‘new’ Iblis demons to get information on what happened?”

“Precisely.” Ella said. 

Alex sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to win the argument. “Even if I did agree to this, which I do not, how would we even go about attracting their attention?”

“You might want to leave that to be.” Jocelyn said with a devil’s smirk.

…

“I hate this.” Alex said. 

“You’re doing great, darling.” Ella called from above.

“I hate this.” He repeated.

“Alex.” Alex looked up at where Jesper was calling him from. “Do it for the ladies.”

“Shut your face, Carstairs.”

“They’re coming! Everybody hide.”

Alex turned to a pillar in the empty warehouse. 

“Not you, Alex!” Ella hissed. “Get back on your mark.”

Alex frowned and stood on the “X” Ella had drawn on the floor of the abandoned building. 

At that moment, Matilda came in sprinting and jumping along the walls, tailed by an Iblis demon.

“You’re dead, little girl. You have no idea what kind of enemy you get ma— Oh, what have we here?”

Alex cleared his throat. He tried to lean against a pillar casually. “Hello there.” He said, trying and failing to sound seductive. 

“How is this boy Anna Lightwood’s brother?” Jocelyn whispered, her face in her hands.

The Iblis demon, however, looked closer at Alex before swooning. “A Lightwood.”

“It said Lightwood with pure…I-bliss.” Jesper said, laughing silently at his joke.

“Idiot,” Ella said with a smirk.

“Lightwood boy, what brings you to these parts?” The Iblis demon inquired.

“I’ve come in hopes for a favor.”

The Iblis demon looked delighted. “What will you give me in return? A kiss?!”

Alex cringed, “No, not a kiss. That’s how my grandfather Benedict killed my grandmother and got turned into a worm.”

“Oh, of course, I’ve seemed to have forgotten about that bloody demon pox.” The lblis demon said. 

“Consider yourself lucky.” Ella mumbled under her breath. Her father never let her forget it. She shuddered at the lecture he had given her, Alex and Jesper when they were thirteen. Ella had seen brighter days than those. 

Alex cleared his throat. “In return, I grace you with my presence.”

The Iblis demon licked it’s lips, “Sounds good to me.”

Alex shifted uncomfortably. 

“I was wondering… Erm, do I call you Iblis?”

“Call me ‘darling’.”

“I think I’ll call you Iris.”

The demon gushed. “My very own pet name! My sisters will be dead with jealousy!”

Alex looked at Ella, confused. Ella gestured at him to keep talking. 

“Erm, alright then. I was wondering if you knew of any other Iblises?”

“Ibli”

“Right. Ibli coming into this dimension?”

“Hm, I can’t say I do.”

“Oh.” Alex said, making a show of looking disappointed.

“Wait!” The Iblis called. “I think I may know something about a distant relative of us Ibli coming a couple of days back.”

Alex smiled uneasily. “Fascinating!” By the Angel, he’s a horrendous actor. Ella thought.

“And, do you by any chance, know if they’re powerful?”

The Iblis hissed, “that they are. But my species of Iblis is much better. We are more civilized. Why, these Ibli are so easily manipulated and would do just about anything to please their master.”

Master?

“Is it always the same master?” Alex asked.

“No, it can be anyone.”

“Interesting. And do you think these Ibli, theoretically, could make all of the lights of the institute, let’s say, go out?”

“Of course.”

“Even if demons aren’t allowed to enter hallowed grounds?”

“These Ibli can do it from a distance.”

That was all the information Ella needed. She got up from her crouched position along the ceiling beams and unsheathed her seraph blade. She stepped forward, only to get pulled backwards.

“What the heck, Carstairs?”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to kill the Iblis.”

“You can’t kill Iris.”

“Who?”

“The Iblis.”

“Well, I’m not going to let her kill my parabatai.”

“Hey,” Ben said. “Don’t assume Iris's gender.” 

“I’m not going to let Iris kill my parabatai.” Ella mended and jumped off the ceiling beam.

“Say, where’s that purple-eyed brother of yours?” The Iblis demon asked Alex, seconds before Ella’s blade plunged into it’s heart.

…

“That was a bit ruthless.”

“Would you rather it kidnap you and make you it’s husband?”

“We could have reached a level of compromise.”

“Alright then,” Ella said, wiping her blade on the grass. “Next time, you handle the situation as you deem fit.”

“I will.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

The other’s heads whipped back and forth as the parabatai brawled. 

Ella stared at them, “don’t you have something better to do?”

“No, we really don’t.” Said Jesper.

Alex rolled his eyes. “Let’s just get out of here and figure out what we’re going to do next. I don’t like the feeling of this place.”

Jesper made a joke about what Alex had just said while Ella fell into the back of the line with Ben and Matty.

“What do you make of this?”

Ella shrugged, “I’m not one for solving riddles.”

Ben furrowed his eyebrows. “Iris said that it shouldn’t have been a spontaneous attack; though you may not like it, Ella, I can’t help but think that Owen disappearing was more than a mere coincidence.”

“I’ll have to agree with Ben.” Matty said, “It’s not like Owen to run off like that.”

Ella didn’t want to think about what had taken her nephew, not one bit.

“Who would do such a thing?” Ella asked.

“Somebody with a grudge against your family.”

Jesper, Alex and Jocelyn stopped joking around and laughing and turned to the others.

“A grudge against the Herondales?” Jocelyn asked.

Ben shook his head. “A grudge against the Grays.”

“Belial.” Ella whispered.

“Why would they attack Ella’s family and not Belial himself? No offense to your family, El, but why bother attacking the Herondales when Belial has made it clear he doesn’t care about them?” Jesper said.

“Because they are important to him. Don’t you remember?  He could have possessed James, and walked earth again, had he let him.” Matty said.

Ben nodded. “The Herondales have the ability to grant him freedom.”

“Well, this is just wonderful.” Jesper’s tone dripped sarcasm. “How many enemies must Belial have? A thousand? A million? How will we ever find who's behind this?”

They were all silent for a moment.

“Oh,” Alex said, more to himself than anyone else. “It might not be that hard.”

“What do you mean?” Matilda asked. 

“Lesser demons don’t have the mental capacity to orchestrate something like this. What happened yesterday night, that wasn't an attack; it was a threat. Why else would someone go to the lengths of kidnapping the direct descendant of Belial, just to leave him somewhere in the institute unharmed and easily found? Moreover, why not attack all of the Nephilim? All lesser demons think about is feeding; they’re not evolved enough to feel things such as revenge. This is the work of a greater demon.”

Alex’s realization was left in the air. Nobody wanted to voice the possibility that this could be the work of a Prince of Hell. Ella exhaled. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t talk about it.

“Does anybody know of the Princes of Hell? Which ones could potentially have contact with our earth?”

Jocelyn nodded. “It can’t be Sammael, Lucifer or Lilith. They’ve been banished and will continue to be banished for many years to come.”

“We’ve collectively decided it can’t be Belial.” Jesper said.

“Mammon hasn’t come in contact with Belial for years. Azazel doesn’t really care; he’s not one to start drama. Astaroth— ” Jocelyn said. 

“What about Belphegor?” Ella interrupted quietly. 

Jocelyn furrowed her eyebrows, “There haven’t been sightings of him in over a century.”

“But is it possible for him to come back now?”

“Yes, I would think so. Why do you ask, Ella?”

Ella swallowed. “Belial met James in a realm he stole for Belphegor. Belial is the reason he hasn’t been seen in so long; he’s the one that wounded him greatly enough that he hasn’t come back yet.”

They all looked at her gravely.

“Well,” Ben said at last. “I think we have our suspect.”

Tagging: @celias @lightlady599

[jq37]

Ok, a few Unsleeping City asks: 1-Thoughts on new ep? 2-CAMBRIDGE SANTALYTICA 3-The gang tries to meet up for drinks

**spoilers for mutant santa melee**

(I’ll respond to the other two parts of the ask in another post!)

We are back with our first battle episode of the season and our first chance to see the NY Crew really show their skills.

Ricky trying to keep Sophie's reckless ass safe because he has big golden retriever energy is great.

I can't decide if everyone taking this first fight more seriously than the first fight in FH is because they remember how badly they got womped last time and didn't want a repeat or because they were just playing older, more experienced characters.

I hate everything about these mutant Santas and I want it on the record. I mean, they're great from a game design perspective but I hate them.

"Mr. March, I'm gonna save you!"/"My name is Rick, by the way."

I thought it was funny that Ricky and Sophie both happened to hit the exact wrong type of Santa for their skillset for their first attack, back to back.  

Fig's Bardic Inspiration move was to do flirty winks at everyone. Misty's is to give big, theatrical compliments. I love it.  

Ricky dropping gun safety warnings mid MUTANT SANTA FIGHT.

"Fucking come out of your stupid cocoon! I know you're not a butterfly!"

I love it when rolls are happening at the table and Lou is loudly like, "This is terrible. I hate this." He did it all through the family rescue rolls in FH too.

"It's fine. It's fucking new York. What do you expect?"/"The NY that I live in and the NY that you live in are very different my friend." That's the real NY experience.

Sophie going, "F the minions, I'm going for the obvious boss Monster, I'll take the attacks," is such a good character defining moment. Also, the action-y music abruptly cutting off as the door shut was hilarious.

So Pete is hearing mysterious whispers and Sophie is hearing mysterious whispers and I'm Concerned, especially since it's the two newbies and it's not necessarily significant but it could be so I'm just mentioning it and tabling it until I have more info to speculate.

Misty turning to Kingston and saying, "Just like old times!" makes me want to know every single detail of their history together before the new kids showed up.

"Santa's my friend and he's fucking dead."

I like the homebrew rule for Pete's wild magic surge which makes the odds of one increase every time it doesn't happen because it ups the chaos factor and makes it inevitable rather than just a possibility which I bet has the potential to create some real tension in a long, drawn out fight.

The way Brennan kept describing Pete's arm as peeling like a banana when he used his magic grossed me out so much so, if that was the goal, you did it. Thanks, I hate it.

The, "Guess I'll just die," meme but it's Pete going, "Guess I'll just use this evil magic."

"Darling I love to be naughty. It's my favorite thing!" (Misty's chaos potential increases with every line she says).

"SANTA GETYCHO ASS UP." (Flawless bedside manner)

I forgot how fragile lower level characters can be! I'm glad so many of the party members have at least some healing spells (I think everyone but Pete and Sophie) as opposed to FH when it was basically just Kristen I think.

"He just gives us a PS4 and that's it."

Sophie monkey bars up Giant Eldritch Horror Santa's exposed ribcage and upercut-kick him because stripping Emily of her magic doesn't strip her of her creativity or flair.

"Darling, with me every day is a show. My life is a show!"

Sophie, upon being complimented by Misty: Oh my God. My new friends are awesome.

The idea of a dirty rat man summoning a unicorn is hilarious to me.

Pete's first Wild Magic surge just restores his sorcery points, which is great as a player but, as a viewer, I really hope we get to see some bombastic nonsense soon. Also, Brennan had the wild magic surge, in story, be the result of Pete's magic reacting to Kingston's, which I thought was a cool way to justify game mechanics.

"You're the opposite of Santa!"

Smites are GOOD you guys.

Sophie catches Santa and and Ricky (who has just killed the boss Santa) takes a selfie with them. Bless. Also, Sophie refuses to put down Santa for the rest of the fight.

Misty has an umbrella with a KNIFE inside of it which I LOVE.

The fight ends a little anticlimactically because, once you bum rush the boss, all that's left to do is clean up the minions.

Misty mentioned having Shoes of Titania and I wanna know if that's an actual item with a mechanical effect and what its stats are if so.

Ally realizing they only some of the Santas explode on impact basically at the end of the fight was classic DnD.

Santa sending people into his bag was giving me big Naddpod vibes.

"What the fuck happened?" --Santa, 2019

I don't like the implication of the gestating tadpoles with the Santa hats. Like, is Santa's hat organic? Is it just a part of his body? No thank you.

Pete just lying to Santa's face for absolutely no reason. Incredible.

Santa and Misty talking shop, just because, was such a fun 30 seconds of RP. I love RP that exists just to exist (and, sidenote, I also love when it comes back around and becomes relevant like in Naddpod (14 seconds of absolute silence...chicken)).  

"Santa, don't give this boy an egg."

"A very fancy egg for a very not fancy boy. But a good boy nonetheless."

Ricky on Santa: It would be crazy if you weren't real because you're such a good person. (Zac struggling to get through that was his second best moment of the ep).

Pete gives Santa a bag of coke and tries to dip when she sees cops because, magic or not, that's Who He Is As A Person.

Santa: Pete, your soul is in jeopardy. (lol, Santa knew his name on sight which, of course he did. It's Santa. Duh.)

CENTAUR HORSE COP. I love that as much as I hate the mutant Santas.

Ricky, horrified: Am I on the bad list?/Santa, who is still processing that Ricky never stopped believing in Santa:Ricky, no. (That was my fave Ricky line of the ep, in case you were wondering)

So, in this world, Christian (Catholic specifically) figures explicitly exist, which is good to know. Also, in last episode and this one, the grey faced child mentioned Lazarus which I thought was just a stylistic name choice but that's a name w/ specific Biblical connotations (that's the dude Jesus brought back from the dead for those not up on your New Testament) and it still might be irrelevant, but it's one more thing for me to tack up on my conspiracy board.  

"Santa, are you Cambrdige Analytica?"

Anyway, Heaven and Hell use the naughty and nice list to figure out who goes where so they're not being redundant which is wild because that means Santa essentially gets to decide morality for the rest of the world and, as of now, Pete is super going to hell based on the look Santa gave him when they were talking about who's on the naughty list.

Santa's list has been stolen which is, como se dice, Bad. The specifics aren't clear, but it's super not good. Also, Santa lets the group know that they might wanna figure out what's going on with Pete before he chucks deuces and goes home. So it seems like we'll be seeing him again.

I wonder what the timeline for this season is gonna be. Like, Christmas seems like an obvious time for a big, climactic setpiece, but it'll have to be a really compressed timeline if that's what they're aiming for. Compressed compared to Fantasy High at least.

Sophie, illegally cracking a Mike's Hard in Central Park in front of a cop: Um, we're magic. (She gets a ticket immediately)

That's it for this week! Next week the mob (the pixie mob maybe?) and Siobahn has awesome hair!

[thetradeway]

Session 36: 13 Mar 2021: Effulgent

Mina is feeling better and will hopefully be joining us. It’s not been the same without the constant bickering with Gideon. <3

I am playing from the basement as Mattie is on nights and is sleeping upstairs.

Matthew has a new job, NOT making the coronavirus. Or starting the zombie apocalypse. Mina has lost a stone and a half from having the ‘rona. Other than that, she seems to be on the mend. She has been reading through the campaign diary while she was ill, and found it very entertaining. Job done. :)

Right. Gideon stumbled into this room (“Bravely! Bravely stumbled in!”) and got bitten by a bear trap. So - initiative? A door opens on the opposite side of the room and out pour six skelly-bums. Melaina hates them. One shoots at her but misses. (DM: “Perhaps it had a bad childhood.” Melaina: “I’ll give it a bad adulthood!”)

Tarragon entangles two skeletons, but also Melaina. Whoops…

A skeleton stabs Gideon and he goes down. Oh no… Brother Charity makes a death save - what? Wait, he got mullered by the big balls from last week. He succeeds - and gets some HP back. (Huh. How he do dat.) 

17 to hit Ahleqs? “No! I mean it hits, but I don’t like it.”

Gideon makes a Death save. “Watch this!” He rolls a 17. One down…

Ahleqs is scared of the skeletons. He screams and casts Fireball. He screams his magic word, which is “Sorry!”, and uses a sorcery point to avoid Melaina, who is now surrounded by skeletons. He does manage to hit all of them though, and obliterates all but one, which he doesn’t see until he removes his hand from his eyes. He enters the room and makes a DEX save to avoid the traps, rolling a nat 1. He rolls on the crit fail table and takes 20 damage. He takes a healing potion as his bonus action. He is very attached to his remaining hit points.

Melaina uses her action to try and free herself from Tarragon’s Entangle, and makes the save. She also takes a potion as her bonus action. (Matthew is doing some back seat dungeoneering, but luckily Sophie is finding it useful.)

Kessler moves forward and takes a few potshots at the remaining skeleton; her first shot hits and kills it. How de do dis!

She moves forward to try and help Ahleqs out of the bear trap. Even with Guidance she rolls poorly with her strength check and the trap snaps back and hits him again. He is sick a little bit.

Gideon and Melaina are both still stuck in bear traps. Ahleqs gives up and uses a spell slot to Misty Step out of his trap. Kessler, who has been offering him cyborg legs if he loses his meaty ones, finds herself talking to thin air.

Brother Charity, reaching out a hand as Tarragon moves into the room to Healing Word Gideon: “Tarragon my love, be careful!” She slaps at his hand, crossly.

Kessler tries to move forward to help Gideon, who is spectacularly ungrateful about it. She sets off another trap, to a “Ha!” from Gideon.

(Ahleqs: “If we leave them, do you think they’ll gnaw each others legs off?”)

The DM says that if we all keep still for a minute, Melaina can scan the room and try to point out where all the traps are. She rolls a 15, uses her inspiration to roll at advantage, rolls again and gets a 13. Well, poop. She does see the traps on the southern half of the room with the 15, though.

Brother Charity: “Would now be a good time to read another poem?”

Tarragon: “NO!”

Has Gideon tried Greasing himself to slip out of the trap? He doesn’t think that would work.

Melaina has disarmed the traps. She can roll again to find the rest of the traps, after a brief poetry interlude.

Brother Charity is asked about the initials at the bottom of the poem. It turns out they’re his, and they stand for Sir Ardvack Darkspire.

Melaina disarms the traps in the northern half of the room, but rolls another Nat 1 to help Gideon out of his trap. (They get him out eventually.)

We investigate for treasure. Tarragon gets 8gp. Nice! (Gideon falls into a cymbal. Or maybe into the Matrix. A ten inch crash, unless Duncan is very much mistaken.)

Melaina investigates the smaller room - on the wall is a mural depicting a sea of human skulls. She’s stumbled into a goth’s bedroom. There is an alter with skulls that have gems for eyes - she wants to pry them out with her dagger. We all take a short rest except Melaina, who is busy prying gems.

There is good news and bad news for Melaina. The good news is that she pries the gems out with ease. Damn, that’s some good roguing! The bad news is that she failed to notice a creature squeeze itself out of one of the now empty eye sockets - it attacks her. Does 16 hit? Ooh er hang on. Yes.

The thing drains 1d4 of her STR score. (She will die if it reduces the score to 0 - oh fuck!) Luckily she’s rolling like shit today and rolls a 1. We roll initiative! (Except Ed, who is apparently asleep. Or eating more sausages.)

Tarragon casts Moonbeam, and is very happy when it does more damage than she was expecting. Melaina is AFK so Matthew shout-asks her what she wants to do. She returns to take her turn, and uses her new Moon-Touched Rapier to attack it with a 24, for 6 piercing damage. She bonus action Disengages and walks away, because if it hits her again she may die.

(Ed has returned. Was it sausages? “… Maybe.”)

Ahleqs - save the day! He makes an Investigation check as a free action. With a 15 he can tell the thing looks humanoid but with a skull for a face. Its ‘shroud’ is black, and looks tattered. (Like Spirited Away!) He doesn’t like it, and casts Shatter. No-Face fails its save and takes 18 Thunder damage, and dies.

Melaina takes her short rest.

We decide to take a long rest, actually, as the spellcasters could use some spell slots back and Melaina is extremely poorly. The room is fairly safe now that Melaina has disarmed the traps, and Kessler can cast her Alarm spell just inside the door. Brother Charity spends some of his rest penning another poem for Tarragon, and reads it out when we all awake.

Tarragon turns into a skunk and sprays him - he makes his DEX save at disadvantage and rolls a 3. He makes a CON save (DC20) and fucking makes it. How annoying. She has hit him, but he is not poisoned or blinded. He does still stink however, and will do so for four months. He is, unfathomably, delighted about this.

We have a pair of uninvestigated double doors on the northern wall of the room; Melaina investigates with a 14. Not trapped or locked. She pushes them open.

Dried gore is splattered all over the walls, ceiling and floor of the corridor behind; whirling blades start spinning across it, swinging from the ceiling and slashing out of the floor. There is no obvious disarming mechanism, but we might be able to avoid them. Ahleqs casts Mage Armour.

He picks up a skull (trying not to be sick) and throws it into the corridor; the blades shatter it and dried brains are thrown from the skull and add to the gore. So not illusory blades then. Ahleqs has a little sit down. Could we Indiana Jones it?

Melaina gets the idea she could probably dodge these if she was careful. (Sophie is AFK. When she returns she wants to know what to roll.) She can move at normal speed and make two DEX saves, or she can dash and make one save at disadvantage. Someone is eating crisps so we have to stop for a moment.

Melaina makes it down the corridor without a scratch. She finds herself in a dome shaped room made of marble. There is a plinth in the middle with a plush red cushion atop it. She investigates. There is a single copper piece. She Investigates that. No traps.

(Ed is playing bass? Is it Hocus Pocus by Focus? Or Focus by Hocus Pocus?)

Melaina Mage Hands the copper piece. A magic mouth sarcastically says “Congratulations.” But nothing happens. As the coin lifts off the pillow, the knives and blades disappear from the corridor. She is immediately distrustful, and makes an Insight check to see if the DM would really do her like that. She remembers the slot in the gold door, and thinks that this coin would fit in there nicely. She pockets the coin. Can she give the sarky pedestal a kicking? She could, but it’s just a pedestal. She decides it’s not worth her time.

We take the DM bus back to the room with the slot in it. (Ed figures out his mouse controls for Roll20. Only seven months in, lol) Tarragon is still a skunk; Brother Carl stands as far away from Brother Charity as possible. Charity smiles at Tarragon; she bares her teeth at him. Charity leans against a wall and gets a white dusty stripe down his back, and starts talking in a French accent.

Does Melaina put the coin in the door? (Soph is making dinner but shouts from the kitchen - “I bloody well do!”)

Behind this door she finds a Lantern of Revealing. Noice.

We have opened both the silver and gold doors, and found the Unicorn statue. We have won D&D! We traipse back to the Dagger.

Ahleqs has the statue in the Bag of Holding. A voice in his head tells him that the statue is a real unicorn, transformed into a statue; it is the voice of the unicorn herself. Her name is Primara, she tells him. She begs him to find a way to free her instead of turning her in to Mirt, and she will find a way to repay us. He makes an Insight check and rolls a 20; he believes her.

He stops dead in the street and has a big think. Does he think the voice is Mr. Pickles? No, the voice specifically said it was a unicorn. It’s called Pandora. Pasadena. What was it again?

He tells us all about the voice in his head; Tarragon takes a step back from him in case this is some Tides of Chaos shit.

Ahleqs concentrates and tries to communicate with the voice in his head. He asks how we turn her back. Primara says probably with magic. He relays this to us. His first instinct is to ask Mr. Pickles for advice, but he doesn’t know if he can summon him any more.

He still has the magic item he was given to summon him, so he tries that. He rubs the amulet and calls the Al-Miraj’s name three times, and he appears.

“Yes, my boy?”

Ahleqs asks if he knows about unicorn-horses. As opposed to unicorn-rabbits, like what he is.

“RABBIT? How dare you!”

Ahleqs apologises and explains about the unicorn statue. Mr. Pickles demands to see the statue. Ahleqs opens the BoH and lets Mr. Pickles peer inside. We are in the street, so he does it stealthily so as to avoid attracting attention. Well he tries - and rolls a nat 1. He can reroll those (sorcerer ability) so he does.

Mr. Pickles’ eyes go wide. He tells Ahleqs to take her to a temple straight away. Tarragon is on good terms with temples of Mielikki and Silvanus, both nature deities. If we take the unicorn to the temple though, we won’t get any money, is the thing.

Tarragon votes we take her to Mielikki, as she is associated specifically with unicorns. Ahleqs thanks Mr. Pickles and apologises for disturbing him, and we decide to help the unicorn rather than give her to Mirt. Tarragon leads the party to the Shrines of Nature. 

Tarragon starts shouting names when we get there to see who shows up; Amithrel appears. She is the high Druidess of Silvanus. Tarragon tells her about the statue and pokes Ahleqs to get him to show her the statue.

Amithrel brings us into the shrine and we explain about the statue and where we found it. We brought it here to release it back to the feywild, Amithrel clarifies?

Yes. Yes? Yes.

She starts setting up to do the ritual to release her, and asks Tarragon to assist. The statue returns to unicorn form and thanks us. She shimmers.

If we call for her aid, she can help us. (Like casting a Summoning spell.) We can call her once. Amithrel will pass news of our deeds to the other druids in the circle, and Tarragon is given the Druidcraft cantrip as a thank you. She immediately uses it to conjure some flowers.

We are also given a healing potion each. Sweet!

Amithrel asks why we were in the Blue Alley - we tell her Mirt sent us. Amithrel looks worried. She says Mirt is not an enemy we wish to make. She suggests lying to him about why we don’t have the statue.

So - let’s get our story straight. We couldn’t work out how to get the statue out. We believe the one was there must be a fake.

(Tarragon asks Kessler to have a look at the quarterstaff, and hands it over so she can have a look at it at her leisure. Kessler takes it to her lab.)

Mirt greets us and asks to see the statue. We tried, we tell him.

“Tried?”

Melaina lie-explains, with Guidance from Tarragon. She rolls a 12; Ahleqs uses Bend Luck, for another d4, for a total of 16.

Mirt doesn’t believe her. He suggests we hand it over. “We don’t have it!”

“What have you done with it?”Mirt demands, getting angrier by the second.

Brother Charity approaches, and puts a reassuring hand on Mirt’s shoulder. “My good man…”

Mirt makes a WIS save; a 15. (Matthew sounds excited.) Mirt needed to beat a 15; there is some discussion. Did he make the save? I think tie goes to the runner.

Ahleqs Bends Luck again, forcing Mirt to roll a d4 and subtract that from his total - so he fails the save.

Brother Charity: “Might I suggest Sir, that you forget about all this Statue nonsense and go home.”

Have we won D&D?

Mirt will leave and forget about it for now, but the DM isn’t sure about the long term implications. He may have questions once the spell is up.

We need to get Kessler to Artifice a really convincing Unicorn statue. Gideon can transmute stuff? If we find a wooden Unicorn statue he could turn that to stone. Well, his transmute thing only last an hour. So we could do it, and that would give us an hour to skip town.

We definitely haven’t made a powerful enemy today…

How long has passed since Charity went mental? DM says about 5 hours have passed since we left the Alley. Only 18 hours left, give or take. 

As Mirt leaves, Jirr approaches us. She gives us drinks on the house, to celebrate us surviving Blue Alley. We ask her what her favourite bit of it was. She says she didn’t enjoy any of it. Ahleqs shows her his mangled leg; “This was my least favourite bit.”

She is faintly disgusted, but still lets us have the drinks. Melaina goes with Jirr to the bar; Jirr gives her a note. It’s from Shanks, who has a business proposition for her. She is to give Jirr a sign if she is open to a meeting. She is, in fact, open.

Jirr and Melaina return with the drinks. A short while later, a female tiefling approaches the table.

(Kessler rolls a 26 with her Tinkers’ Tools to fix Tarragon’s quarterstaff, seconds after Joe states that the DC is 15. Roll a d4 - a 1. It took her 1 hour. Kessler heads back to the Dagger with the fixed quarterstaff.)

The tiefling asks to join us.

Ahleqs, looking at the rest of us for confirmation: “Ye-yes?”

As she sits, Kessler arrives; Shanks turns her head and says, “oh bloody hell.” Charity tells her Kessler was sacked from the force. Shanks looks greatly amused.

Kessler, seeing Shanks: “Stop, thief!”

She returns the quarterstaff, and offers Ahleqs the cyborg legs again; he will see how far he can get with his meat legs. Kessler sits next to Shanks, presumably specifically to annoy her.

Shanks has set up a meeting room in the cellar under the Dagger, she believes we cleared it out a while back? She has a proposition if we want to talk in private. We do. She leads us back behind the bar, and down to the trap door where Cass let us down so long ago to fight the bats and rats when we first arrived in Waterdeep.

How aware are we of the goings-on in the Underworld of Waterdeep lately? Do we know about the turf war between Xanathar’s lot and the Shadow Thieves? Not as such, no.

The Shadow Thieves used to run most of the Sword Coast. Monopoly on smuggling and thievery. Xanathar is the head of a rival guild that came out of nowhere, and is now the most powerful criminal organisation in Waterdeep.  Both gangs are into things like slavery and trafficking, neither of which Shanks and her group want any part of.

Shanks says that most thieves are just trying to make a living, and you can hardly move in the city without running into at least one of the warring guilds. She wants to form a new guild and operate under the radar, staying well out of the way of the other two.

Would there be protection for us, if we get involved? “Yes.” Then Ahleqs is in.

What exactly does Shanks want us to do? She is trying to get some specialists on board; but they need warriors. Like us. She’s heard tell of our shenanigans, and for some reason believes this bunch of idiots and Melaina can help her. She wants us to clear out an area of the sewers to make a base of operations.

No-one really goes down to the sewers below the sewers, which are left over from the elven city that was here before. But there’s a hitch.

Scouts in the area started finding body parts. Not all human or humanoids. Limbs ripped clean off. People are calling whatever is doing this the Flesh Ripper, and it seems to be lairing in this part of the sewer. Though it is keeping other things away, Shanks needs someone to deal with it.

Well it’s that or deal with Mirt, so…

She tells us to rest up, gather any provisions that we need. She can give us a map of the sewers from the Cartographer’s Guild.

How will she make this worth our while, Melaina wants to know? We will be made members, get in on the ground floor with the new guild. Access to trades, fences, trainers, hard to find items. Access to the Skull Port maybe, later on.

Kessler wants to know if the guild will put up with her, considering her previous occupation. If we will vouch for her, Shanks will call it water under the bridge. Tarragon agrees to do so. Shanks sticks out a hand to Kessler and they shake - while Kessler makes an Insight check with a dirty 20 to make sure she isn’t stealing anything.

Do any of us need to do any shopping? Is anyone in need of potions? Didn’t we find some potions, in Blue Alley?

Kessler, clanking: “What potions?”

Do any of the arcane casters have second level spell slots? Any of them who do can have the spell Woundbind, learned from the Watchful Order. Swish. Not as powerful as divine healing magic, but in a pinch could be super useful.

Ahleqs is proficient with thieves’ tools so he could buy some - oh wait, how wimpy is he, exactly? Joe has given Ayas some tattoos, perhaps Ahleqs could get one. It will give him a boost to his AC. It’s not as good as Mage Armour, but it is constant and permanent. He is uneasy about it because of the pain aspect, but with some convincing (and if he can choose the design) will go ahead. Gideon could maybe use one as well - it would put his AC up to 13. It’ll be 50gp, thanks to a bad persuasion roll, but he will go ahead.

Tarragon sells her glabrezu horns. She rolls 4 persuasion but is handed 250gp (the flat price for two glabrezu horns), and being unused to money, is convinced she must be amazing at persuading. She immediately sets about spending it to get drunk, and buy drinks for randos in the Dagger all night.

Just as well because Brother Charity stands up and begins to read.

“Look into my eyes, and you will see, what you mean to me. Search your heart. Search your soul. And when you find me there. You’ll search no more. Don’t tell me. It’s not worth trying for. Don’t tell me. It’s not worth dying for. You know it’s true. Everything I do. Ooo-woo. I do it for you.”

Tarragon re-skunks, but Charity makes his DEX save this time. She un-skunks and goes to the bar to get hammered. Kessler buys her the first drink.

Ed dips out as he’s tired, but agrees to add Bosley to the character vault for when I do one-shots. Duncan will add Halbrecht (and Elsie!) as well, and Mina will add Shokan. So we’ll have a go at this flesh ripper next week then!

[ladyjonquilinthenorth]

Stormb*tch

Before I begin my unsolicited recap of the episode, I beg you to please excuse the disorderliness of the piece and lack of direct quotes. I’m at work at the moment and I can’t fact check the quotes right now, so this post is pretty much based off of my impressions of last night and general scrolling through Tumblr. Please excuse the following incoherent jumble of thoughts.

Dragonstone

Ok. First impression, Fire Beast Castle is straight up sinister. It gives me the creeps. It’s all dark and brooding and I don’t know how those poor Targs of Valyria the Old were holed up in there for 100+ years. I would have gone crazy.

D is headed down the path of insanity and I HAVE NO REGRETS. Her little speech to Varys was vaguely threatening AF. Be my dude and bow at the altar of my greatness, and you may live. Poison me like you advised Good King Bob and I will feed you to my dragons. Tell me, o readers, is this what one calls a kind, benevolent, and just queen?  It’s becoming clearer and clearer just how opposite Jon and D are. One is, like I said, just and benevolent, and the other is ruthless, power hungry, and much much much too self-confident.

I gotta say, though, I have a soft spot for wise old ladies, and I loved the little conversation with Olenna, and how she inspired the great and mighty Mother of Dragons to listen to her sage advice. Ignore the men and you’ll survive. Advice that I wholeheartedly agree with, though at this point, I’m kinda rooting for D to disregard said advice because *whispers*I don’t want her to survive. There. I said it. Make it quick, GoT Fandom. I don’t want to suffer.

And don’t even get me started on the Lady Mel’s sudden appearance! Did you see how D’s eyes light up when she hears that the prophecy may not necessarily be referring to a prince?? That lady is headed down the rabbit hole and I am here for it. And D, from one gal to another, you are NOT Jon Snow’s QUEEN until he kneels to you (which I hope and pray that Jon will not be stupid enough to do). He has his own kingdom and until he decides to proclaim you as such, you really need to get a hold of that self-titling obsession you’ve got. It’s not pretty.

Ok, but GWxM killed me. KILLED ME. “I have one weakness” ahjdhflhlsfhlgsjlgsjlgjslg. But to be honest, you know how it is when you play the Game of Thrones. They’re both basically walking corpses now :(

King’s Landing

“In Essos, her brutality is already legendary. She crucified hundreds of noblemen in Slaver’s Bay. And when she grew bored of that, she fed them to her dragons.”

Cersei, pal, I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with you, lady. I agree with you! This woman knows of that which she speaks.

@heathergee25 has a Tarly theory that looks to be on the right track. Go check it out!

Otherwise, idk, bored.

Oldtown

Ew, Samwell, ew. That scene was basically me browsing through another window on my screen while crackling flesh and unholy grunts made their way through my headphones. Poor Jorah and his love letter to his Khaleesi.

But I love the fact that, as JBW pointed out, bookish, shy Sam was never good at anything, yet here, in the library, here he finds his battleground, and I firmly stand behind all those underappreciated BTS players who ultimately save the day!. Sam “I killed an actual White Walker with a blade of glass” Tarly is not here for your “no can do” attitude. Looking at you, Maester Slughorn.

Arya

My baby Arya is going home!!! Hot Pie called her pretty!!! I think that’s the first time in her life she’s been called pretty and she liked it!! And her face when she finds out that her beloved Jon Snow is now King in the North!! Damn you, D&D, making my baby Starklings just miss each other. Can’t say I’m surprised, though.

I don’t cry often when watching things, but I literally had tears of joy welling in my eyes when Arya spotted Nymeria and she let herself be petted. Man, that wolf if huge! And then, of course, when Nymeria backed away, my heart cracked just that wee bit. *sniffs* WHY?????

Somewhere in the Narrow Sea

I’m not one for battle scenes, so I didn’t really follow along. Sorry if that’s your thing. BUT, Yara and Ellaria get it on, obviously, mere moments before their ship is ransacked by Pirate Uncle Euron. Obviously. Never really cared for the Sand Snakes, so I’m glad they’re gone. And Theon. I don’t know what set him off, but that guy has some serious PTSD and that breaks my heart. Are you dead, Theon? Please don’t be dead, Theon. I have so many questions.

Winterfell

Saved the best for last. *rubs hands gleefully together* Let’s get down to it!

I’mma be honest  here for a sec, we got wayyyy too few North scenes and they were much too rushed.  I would be happy to watch an entire 8 seasons of just my Starklings home in their ice castle. But that’s just me.

Boy, they are really laying it on thick with the Ned/Cat parallels. They’re not even trying to be subtle at this point. The first scene begins just the way the Ned/Cat scene begins in S1. An arrow hitting a target with the lord and lady figures looking down from on high. I swear though, that’s a scene straight out of a Jonsa future-fic. Mother and Father gazing down proudly as their Stargaryen babies become the best archers and swordsmen in the land.

Jon looking to Sansa for her take on Tyrion great and if you still think StarkBowl is an actually feasible possibility as cast and crew love to claim, just watch the episode. You’ll have no doubts whatsoever.

Ok. Meeting scene. I know that we all may not agree with Jon’s decisions all the time, but he is just, benevolent, and decisive. All good things in a king. Now, if he would only listen to his platonic-hot-sister-wife-hand-queen, that would be even better.

He makes his decision with listening to the dissenting voices and you know what, I understand him. “The North is my home. It’s part of me and I will never stop fighting for it, no matter the odds”. Jon has no desire to meet D. He has no desire to bend the knee. He needs the dragonglass and that is the one and only reason why he is going south. Sansa knows that he needs the weaponry and the army that D can provide. She knows that the WW are the biggest threat right now. But she protests because she’s SCARED. The last two times that the Starks rode south, they never returned. Also, kinda awkward that one grandfather roasted the other one. Oops.

But that look when Jon turns to Sansa, looks her straight in the eye, and says “I will accept”, did me in. It’s like no one else exists in the room and Hubby just asked Wifey for her consent in their secret married language. But what absolutely killed me was Sansa’s face when Jon leaves her the North. Props to Sophie and Kit, you guys, I have no words. Sansa haters will say that this is all she wanted, for Jon to leave her in charge to do with Winterfell what she wants. I say no. Sansa has been through so much, and as another blogger pointed out, they both have been constantly told that they know nothing. To suddenly have her experiences acknowledged and validated, and to be put in a position of trust by the ruler of Winterfell, I think that is the most gratifying, humbling thing she has ever experienced. And that all is clearly written on her face. Sophie, I love you.

One last thing. When Sansa gives her speech that Jon is abandoning the North, his people, etc, I SWEAR it’s on the tip of her tongue to say “you’re abandoning me”. I swear it. Fight me. 

THE SCENE which I have literally been looking forward to since the trailer came out was everything that I could have wanted, and more! Jon staring teary-eyed at the statue of his “father”, LF creeping up behind him like the creepyfinger he is, muttering unnecessary nonsense about Cat and how she never loved Jon. Jon is all like “why are you here, tho. Go away, asshole”. And as he’s about to leave, LF let’s slip about Sansa. And Jon FLIPS OUT. My lords and ladies, let me tell you, LF had a suspicion and that suspicion was just confirmed. The most fascinating thing about this episode, TBH, was watching Jon’s face transform from calm, annoyed indifference to snarling dragon-wolf hybrid ready to attack. I mean, his lip twitched and he actually snarled! I am always here for baby Jon going all Crazy Grandpa Aerys when somebody insults his platonic hot sister wife. Always here. And that smirk on LF’s blue face as Jon exits the crypts in a huff, that man knows things.

Not gonna lie, super bummed that we got no formal goodbye scene, and Jonny galloped out of Winterfell way too fast. But I do have some thoughts on what we did get. That wave. Now, I don’t remember the Jaime/Brienne scene, but seeing the gifs floating around, yep, I agree. But what I got from that brief moment was that there was a general feeling of controlled, conscious restraint. Sansa agrees that it’s necessary for Jon to leave. But she’s freaking terrified, and I think that if she lets slip something more that a curt wave and shy smile, the whole dam will break loose and she’ll never recover. That’s what I got.

Ok, time to wrap it up. Thanks for getting this far, hope you enjoyed my ramblings, and tell me what you think.

Love ya, Jonsa fam!

[ithinkimadeyouupinsidemyhead]

Dear Pube Brow (Molly),

I can’t believe you’re in Frankfurt now! It’s so strange knowing that we’ve spent the past two years preparing to move to Germany and now we’re doing it and (thank GOD), we’re so close to each other! I’m so glad that you’re here with me, knowing you’re so close has made the past two weeks more bearable.

At work, I’ve been leading a couple of projects, such as catalogue changes and visual merchandising laser displays… It’s been fun and stressful. The stress has of course been alleviated by having such a good support system from the boys who know how to make me laugh. We also had a new addition to our intern group, Emily, who is super lovely (as you know). She sits across from me at work, which means that we’re able to have a laugh all the time. We’ve decided that we’re going to work together to become healthier (fingers crossed it works out…), and it’s nice that I have you to motivate me too!  Exciting.

Last week, we finally reunited after four months apart (sad), where you surprised me at what is now known as the scare spot… After our lovely dinner, thanks for that, we had a nice relaxed night until we woke up naturally at 8am (ew). But it was for our little NB, who was coming to see us from Munich. Of course that meant getting some PHAT food, whilst having a shop in Frankfurt #treatyoself. After our little day, we came back to mine, where you napped before we all hit the town. After we met up with your friend Greta, my flatmate, her friends and the interns, we all headed into Frankfurt for our night out. After getting rejected from Travolta (unfortunately, John was not in attendance), we made our way to the dreaded Zoom. We had a lovely time… Lowlight: Sophie throwing up in our hands, being sick on the floor, slipping on HER OWN sick and falling flat on her bum. I love her. Oh, cutting my leg in the club and then waking up with glass in my foot, Lord knows how that happened. HIGHLIGHT: my entire snapchat story. Comedy GOLD. By Sunday, we were all hungover to shit and it was time for you and Soph to go home. Saz-Lou was alone again.

classy x

three amigos

After another week at work and battling a cold, I needed the weekend. On Saturday, myself, Ryan B and Em came to Frankfurt in the morning for a day of shopping, which was super nice, despite how busy it was.

After our short but successful trip, they made their way back to Idstein and I came to your flat. We had a good workout in your accommodation gym – see u next week BISH – and then got ready for our night out. Your delicious meatball, veg and spag meal was piff (wtf is that adjective, idk but i’m using it), despite the lack of spaghetti (hehe). Isabelle came over for our girl scouse night and so it began… We made our way to Zoom for a rather eventful and 100% not PG night out, I am not even going to delve into that on this post, we both know what happened and that’s enough of that. We both know that I am utterly horrified at that evening’s events and I never want a repeat again for as long as I live. (2/3 of us are in the DF club, it’s your turn next.) After we left the club, we of course got on the wrong S-Bahn, but we put on our Dora the Explorer caps and made our way back to our holy grail: McDonald’s. Underwhelming for a Maccies but a Maccies nonetheless. All I know, is that I woke up extremely hungover and I still think I am, so that must mean we had a good night… Any night with you is eventful and I feckin’ love em.

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NO RAGRETS (kiddin, i’m drowning in them x)

this was from the first night out but it fits with the picture next to it hehe, aesthetic x

Aaaannnnyyyyywayyyyyyy, I am hella tired and I have a feeling this next week is going to drag, but knowing I see you (and Isabelle) next Saturday evening for our chilled evening will make time fly. See ya then, heHE.

I love ya.

Pimple Head x

  still alive but barely breathing Dear Pube Brow (Molly), I can't believe you're in Frankfurt now! It's so strange knowing that we've spent the past two years preparing to move to Germany and now we're doing it and (thank GOD), we're so close to each other!

[reactingtosomething]

Reacting to X-Men: The Dark Phoenix Saga (1994)

The Living Embodiment of “Bitch, You Thought”

The Setup: Caroline Siede is a TV and film critic whose work has appeared in The AV Club, Quartz, The Mary Sue, and Vox, among others; an occasional theatre and film director, including of a web series Kris wrote; a superhero enthusiast in general and an X-Men superfan in particular; and to our great honor and everlasting vague surprise, a friend of Reacting to Something.

Kris remembered from this (excellent) X-Men: Apocalypse tweet storm that Caroline’s favorite fictional character ever is Jean Grey. Somewhere between then and the news that Jessica Chastain might join Sophie Turner, Jennifer Lawrence, et al. in X-Men: Dark Phoenix, he learned that Miri is also a big X-Men fan. And Miri is the only RtS regular who didn’t work on that web series, so this two-part Guest Reaction on X-Men cartoons basically had to happen.

Spoilers ahead, I guess?, for a decades-old story that practically redefined its medium and is on track for its third screen adaptation in our lifetimes. Post-chat notes and comics trivia from Kris in italics.

MIRI: Hi! This is Miri

CAROLINE: Hello!

MIRI: Ready?

CAROLINE: I am!

MIRI: Excellent!

My first instinct is to talk about [X-Men: The Animated Series], then [X-Men: Evolution], then some general yelling about how the two compare. What do you think?

CAROLINE: That sounds perfect to me!

MIRI: Awesome. Shall we be chronological about it?

(Secret motive: I have many feelings about the fashions in the Animated Series that I cannot contain for much longer)

CAROLINE: Ahaha. Well let's go for it then!

Had you seen any of the series before?

MIRI: None. At least not that I recall--there may have been reruns that I don’t remember at some point.

And did you watch it all the way through?

I was super interested by the story structure. It has seasons, but each season is a collection of 4ish episode stories. Was there a narrative for the whole season, or not really?

CAROLINE: Not at all. It was a big part of my young childhood but only in the sense that I watched it on TV a lot and loved the characters. I doubt I even cared about or followed the plots.

MIRI: Gotcha

CAROLINE: Again, I'm not exactly an expert. But I believe the storytelling arcs were pretty self-contained with character stuff bleeding over across the seasons

But this Dark Phoenix arc was of course a direct follow-up to the earlier Phoenix arc

MIRI: Cool. Seems like a similar structure to early seasons of Doctor Who

Yes, let’s talk about Phoenix/Dark Phoenix

First of all, I think it’s safe to say that Dark Phoenix is the living embodiment of “Bitch, you thought” memes

CAROLINE: Ha! I also just want to throw it out there that Jean Grey is my all-time favorite superhero

And yes, Dark Phoenix is an (insane) badass

MIRI: I had never seen a version where the Phoenix is a separate entity rather than a part of Jean that had been walled off inside of her

CAROLINE: Although I do believe that's the comic book origin story

I think TAS is fairly close to comic book canon

But the "internal" Dark Phoenix thing seems to have become the movie and TV norm now

KRIS: Though in general I don’t think of myself as a stickler for comics canon -- having come to comics, I think like many millennials, through various 90s cartoons -- this Phoenix thing does bum me out, partly for how big a deal the Phoenix Force is to the Marvel universe at large, along with characters like the Shi’ar who were introduced in that story. The Avengers vs. X-Men event that spun into 2012′s very successful Marvel NOW! relaunch (one of the things that made recent Marvel comics accessible to relatively casual readers like me) was built around the Avengers trying to permanently end the existential threat of the Phoenix.

MIRI: Interesting. My deep love of the X-men comes solely from the Evolution cartoon. I have no true history knowledge

(Don’t @ me, twitter)

CAROLINE: I'm kind of in the same boat with TAS although I do own a massive encyclopedia of X-Men comic book trivia

MIRI: I hope that sits proudly on your coffee table

CAROLINE: Of course! But I think with everything from character design to storylines, TAS pulled pretty directly from the comics

K: The character designs are specifically the Chris Claremont/Jim Lee era of “Blue Team” and “Gold Team,” recently re-invoked in two of the many X-Men titles spinning out of the recent Inhumans vs. X-Men crossover

(The Phoenix stories are from an earlier, Lee-less Claremont run.)

MIRI: I DEFINITELY want to discuss costumes at some point

CAROLINE: Agreed! But one other thing that really struck me about the Dark Phoenix is just how epic in scope it is.

MIRI: The structure does also feel more comic book-y to me--stories told over a few issues, then a new story,e tc

Oh yes, let’s definitely stay on her for now

Yeah, I was shocked to end up IN SPACE

K: The Shi’ar are pretty wild

CAROLINE: I think that's an element of comic book storytelling that doesn't really get adapted onto the big screen 

I mean obviously the MCU is massive

But their crossovers are a huge event

Whereas comic books (and cartoons) can just get epic whenever they feel like it

This one went from a sexy pirate story to a massive interstellar gladiator battle.

K: I don’t know Caroline super well, but I feel confident saying that Space is one of her Top 5 Favorite Things

MIRI: Sidebar: Katherine Janeway and Jean Grey are into the same types of romance novels/holodramas, pass it on

But to your actual point--I was really surprised when they defeated Dark Phoenix at the end of the third episode. I thought the whole thing was going to be an earthbound mutant battle, and then suddenly there’s a space empress!

I like that freedom, which is definitely not a part of most of the film/tv versions.

CAROLINE: Yeah! The stories can literally go anyway. It's really fun to watch. 

We even get a little Thor cameo

Albeit briefly

MIRI: Right!

That kind of reminder that it’s all out there and connected is nice, and in this format doesn’t overburden the story

CAROLINE: But I also think the Dark Phoenix arc does a good job grounding all that craziness in character drama

MIRI: Overall yes, but I don’t entirely buy the motivations of the (Dark) Phoenix

They lose me a little with the fact that Jean and Phoenix are both super great/good beings, but combined they’re evil

Like, there are also exhilarating happy emotions. Why isn’t she eating ice cream and having orgasms and looking at puppy gifs online?

CAROLINE: I agree that the plotting is messy as hell, but I always love stories about strong women being afraid of their own power. So I'm kind of willing to overlook how little sense it makes

MIRI: Fair! And the emotional ties within the Xmen work very nicely

CAROLINE: I think that was far and away what I cared about most

The Hellfire Club got a little boring after a while

But I love watching the X-Men be friends

Which I think TAS does really well

MIRI: I actually thought the whole “Kill me Logan, while I’m in control enough to let you” think worked a bit better in X3, but obviously it had this to build off of

Yes, I liked the friend dynamics! I’m a huge sucker for characters actually liking each other

CAROLINE: Umm, I reject the notion that anything about X3 worked on any level.

MIRI: hahahahahahahha

That is your right!

And I wouldn’t ever want to have to defend my point, because that movie is a shitshow

K: I certainly won’t defend it on a storytelling level, BUT I actually still think the set piece at the Grey house holds up pretty well as a standalone-ish thing (my objection to this version of the Phoenix still holds), not least because The Last Stand has one of the best Marvel movie soundtracks, composed by John Powell. The geography of the house is also used in more interesting ways than most action set piece locations.

CAROLINE: I loved little things like Rogue leaving Scott and Jean alone as soon as they got romantic

MIRI: Wolverine and Scott even seem to care about each other while they’re both in love with Jean, which is very mature

CAROLINE: The relationships (at least among the X-Men) feel lived in and real

MIRI: I didn’t want to love this Rogue because I am deeply committed to loving the Evolutions Rogue, but I found her super charming

She’s just always ready to be enthusiastically upset

She  cannonballed into Apocalypse’s calf and it was surprisingly effective!

CAROLINE: She's a huge standout of TAS for me

MIRI: Also she can just fly all the time, apparently? I love it

CAROLINE: I love Lenore Zann's voice acting

Yeah she's basically Superman

But she also can't touch anyone

It's a little weird but it's SUPER fun to watch

K: Rogue’s mutant ability is life-force/memory/power absorption (as also seen in the movies and in X-Men: Evolution), which is usually temporary. In the comics, the one time it stuck was when she got in a fight with Carol Danvers, at the time Ms. Marvel, and absorbed Carol’s powers of super strength and flight. (Carol later picked up additional, “cosmic”-level powers and went through several codename changes.)

MIRI: Is it possible for me to love her voice but hate her accent? Because that’s where I am

CAROLINE: Sure! Although I love both. And her and Gambit together are aces

MIRI: I liked her dropping him into the lake

And ‘What is this, catch the x-men day?’ (I'm misquoting, but that moment)

CAROLINE: It's an incredibly different characterization than the one we got on the films

K: I think this is from the first Phoenix Saga, but I couldn’t pass it up

MIRI: VERY

CAROLINE: *in the films

But I enjoy both

MIRI: Yeah, I think the adultness is a factor here, though certainly not all of it

CAROLINE: For sure! I guess this is really the only major X-Men series not to have a "teen" element

MIRI: It actually made me kind of uncomfortable that none of them were kids. Which is weird, but I’m SO used to the Xavier Institute version of it all

CAROLINE: They do have Jubilee running around sometimes

She's a POV teen in the premiere

But for the most parts they're just kind of The Avengers or something

MIRI: I’m not opposed to that. I was just legitimately shocked for a minute

CAROLINE: Overall I was surprised by how *adult* the whole series felt

Obviously it's aimed at kids

But it's complex and mature and about adulthood

I feel like a lot of kids shows kind of try to talk down to their audience?

But this one doesn't for the most part?

MIRI: Wow, that’s a really interesting point. I can’t think of any kid shows now that have primarily adult casts

Except the Wildkratts, which I am probably spelling wrong but is quality educational programing

CAROLINE: A LOT of stuff happens in this arc. And while there's a lot of hand-holding in terms, it also goes pretty deep

Including exploring the nature of a relationship between two older leaders dedicated to their people

Which, just, isn't what you would think of as kids fair

MIRI: I also like their look at relative morality in the face of a terrible decision

CAROLINE: (Also I meant to say there's a lot of hand-holding in terms of plot BTWs)

MIRI: Scott wants to save Jean, of course! And that’s The Right Thing to do, but everyone involved wants to do the right thing

CAROLINE: Yeah! A very adult conflict

MIRI: And they’re not really demonized for being willing to sacrifice Jean to save billions

Honestly, I think the Empress is in the right. I also think I would make the same decisions as Scott

K: Empress Lilandra is the character Jessica Chastain is reportedly in talks to play in Fox’s forthcoming Dark Phoenix movie

CAROLINE: It's a weird mix of mature thoughtfulness that's also super stilted and dated.

MIRI: That’s a perfectdescription

CAROLINE: Because I do think it feels like a pretty stitled series, especially to modern eyes

MIRI: Very

We expect a lot more realism in our storytelling now

CAROLINE: Not just the 90s aesthetic, but the actual storytelling

For sure.

MIRI: And economy of storytelling

CAROLINE: Although there is that here too sometimes. It's hard to pin down 

Also I was legitimately so touched when the X-Men all gave of themselves to save Jean

MIRI: Team as family gets me every time

CAROLINE: That's some great team storytelling right there

MIRI: And they worked together nicely

CAROLINE: And the kind of stuff X-Men does best

MIRI: They all get their moment, but the team work is always present

Also I like that Rogue can and does pick up every single one of the X-Men in this episode

CAROLINE: Ha! I love her so much

I really love all of them. I think the characters are all super vibrant

At least in the X-Men

I was super bored by the Hellfire Club

MIRI: I honestly could not tell you who any of those people were if it weren’t for the more recent men movies

they were boring and not distinctly drawn

(In a character sense, not an animation sense)

CAROLINE: Agreed

I remembered the Hellfire Club being super cool but now I'm not sure if they're better in other episodes or if I was just easily won over as a child

MIRI: I could definietly see them being better in episodes where they’re the focus

CAROLINE: Changing topics: Wolverine saying, "Where's that blasted salami" is maybe the best X-Men moment of all time

MIRI: I liked Emma’s little fuck you about Phoenix being the new queen

Hahahahahaha that was good

I would argue that his claws are way too spaced out for neat, even slices

CAROLINE: There's something weird going on there for sure

MIRI: Maybe really near the knuckles?

CAROLINE: Maybe he has secret salami powers too

MIRI: I’m going down a dark path of thinking about how much grossness is brought into his body when he retracts the claws after fighting or slicing salami

I mean I know he heals so it’s fine

But ew

CAROLINE: Oh god

MIRI: Right?

CAROLINE: Dark times

MIRI: I’m sorry

CAROLINE: Dark Phoenix times

MIRI: hahahahahhahaa

Nice

CAROLINE: I think the only voice actor I really didn't like is Scott's

MIRI: I could not deal with Xavier’s

CAROLINE: Which is a bummer because he carries a lot of this arc

MIRI: It weirded me out

CAROLINE: Yeah Xavier isn't great either

But it's hard to compare to Patrick Stewart

MIRI: It’s very unfair of me to expect it

I know this

CAROLINE: Who is so throughly Professor X in my head

MIRI: Yeah, between TNG and X-men, he looms damn large in my formative genre culture landscape

M: TNG = Star Trek: The Next Generation, which I was basically raised on

K: Caroline is also a huge Star Trek fan, and last year wrote a Vox explainer/viewing guide for the uninitiated.

CAROLINE: Totally

Should we talk costumes?

MIRI: Yes!

CAROLINE: They're the best

MIRI: First of all, it’s a fun metric on cultural shifts because at least 75% of these guys would be read as gay in the present day

Jean’s mask at the end is really stupid looking and I loved it SO MUCH

That and Wolverine’s mask were just so classic/iconic looking

CAROLINE: Well to be fair that's not her normal outfit in the series 

MIRI: Right, it was her super early costume, right?

CAROLINE: She was giving us a little Marvel Girl throwback

Yeah

MIRI: Ohhhhh I totally forgot she was Marvel Girl!

K: Not to be confused with Ms. Marvel, the codename Carol Danvers took in the 70s, and has since been adopted by Kamala Khan. (Carol, an Air Force pilot to be played by Brie Larson in the MCU, is currently Captain Marvel to the superhero community, but Colonel Danvers to the US government. Although maybe Larson’s Carol will just be a Captain Danvers, to avoid general audience confusion?)

CAROLINE: But her regular costume is also kind of ridiculous 

K: That’s not a bunch of skin showing, it’s just a confusingly flesh-toned bodysuit. I always liked the crystal (?) in her headband thing though.

M: This isn’t even her “regular” costume but it is something that could not be ignored.

K: It’s not her Phoenix costume but it’s what she wears for most of the series

They LOVED their headgear on TAS

MIRI: Which is presumably why she doesn’t have a hero name, right?

CAROLINE: I believe so

K: I tried to find an official answer, but didn’t dig up anything from a publishing perspective. Story-wise, it didn’t have anything to do with either (the first) Captain or Ms. Marvel. As far as I can tell, Jean first stopped using the codename Marvel Girl when she started calling herself Phoenix, and then some time post-Dark Phoenix, she decided to go by her civilian name. Maybe just because it had been a while since they were really writing her as a “girl”?

MIRI: I liked all of their dark head covering headband things that didn’t cover their faces or hair, but did cover the rest of the head

I don’t know what to call them

CAROLINE: It's a true X-Men staple

And it's so weird to see Gambit without his

MIRI: Like, when I think about it too much I have logic questions. But I love them and don’t want them changed at all

CAROLINE: The costumes are also all straight out of the comics.

K: Mostly designed by Jim Lee in the late 80s, possibly explaining all the shoulder pads. For better or worse (as an admitted non-expert, I think a bit of both), Lee is one of the most influential artists and publishers in the medium, and currently one of the top folks at DC.

MIRI: Storm’s earrings are killer

CAROLINE: Really everything about Storm is amazing

Another voice performance I love

MIRI: Yes! I loved her narration of her powers

CAROLINE: Haha! Same

So dramatic

Arguably too much so but it totally works

MIRI: Yes! I sat there thinking that I should be annoyed by it, but I just wanted more

I did not love that Rogue’s costume was apparently so shrink-wrapped on that I think I could see her internal organs

CAROLINE: I mean it is but I'm just so into her whole design

I really forgot how much I loved her on this series

MIRI: Yes, the design of the costume is great!

The mullet-ness of the white in her hair is not a styling choice I would make, but she’s free to do her

CAROLINE: Oh also Jean's Phoenix hair is AMAZING

MIRI: I also really liked the space aesthetics

CAROLINE: Keep the powers just for that!

MIRI: Ooh, yes! Both the updo and the big loose look

The guys’ lips were all the same color as the rest of their faces and once I noticed it I couldn’t stop noticing it

CAROLINE: Ha!

I will say, as much as I love many other iterations of the X-Men, these will always be the iconic X-Men looks for me

As I think they are for many people

MIRI: That makes total sense! They’re not entirely for me, but they definitely did resonate

Before the MCU became such a thing, these looks were a lot of the merchandise you saw

And they are just so distinctive

CAROLINE: I LOVE seeing people cosplay in these looks

It brings me such joy

MIRI: I like that they have commonalities without all being in the same exact uniform

Omg, yes!

Even without this era being A Thing for me, I can think of multiple killer Rogue cosplays I’ve taken notice of with this look

CAROLINE: Okay so should we start talking about an era of the X-Men that is a little more iconic for you?

MIRI: Sounds good! But first, I want to say that I feel like you shouldn’t power wash the ancient hieroglyphics tablet nd that was uncool even for villains to do

Also I need a gif of Dark Phoenix saying “I admit nothing”

(Dark Phoenix, Mother of Dragons, the unburnt, breaker of chains, Khaleesi of the great grass sea)

CAROLINE: I need so many GIFs

Mostly the salami one 

In Part 2, Miri and Caroline turn to X-Men: Evolution.

X-Men: The Animated Series is streaming on Hulu.

You can follow Caroline on Twitter, and support her on Patreon.

You can also follow us on Twitter, where we mostly retweet critics (including Caroline), screenwriters, and general pop culture reporting. 

For now we leave you with perhaps the greatest superhero opening titles [Kanye] OF ALL TIME [/Kanye].

[discovermtc-blog]

A Day at the Beach - 5/18/2017

An Introduction

This week, Stephanie and I traveled to Long Branch, a beach that is a part of the string of beaches known as “the shore” to New Jersey natives and “The Jersey Shore” to the rest of the country. The Jersey Shore may be New Jersey’s top tourist attraction and one of New Jersey’s most notable landmarks. Made infamous by the sub par reality show “Jersey Shore”, beaches like Asbury Park, Seaside and Long Branch attract thousands of beach bums every summer. Being New Jersey natives ourselves, Stephanie and I decided that Long Branch would be the perfect place to start our journey of New Jersey discoveries. -Sophie

A Small History Lesson

Living in the relatively metropolitan town of Montclair, going to the beach seems like a far away journey. The beauty of New Jersey, however, is that city, suburbs, farms, beaches, and everything in between are within a 2 hour drive of Montclair. Due to this convenience, Sophie and I decided that no adventure was more perfect for a 93° day than a trip to the Jersey Shore. In addition to opportune weather, “the shore” (as many New Jerseyans affectionately call it) has an ever-evolving history and character.

Asbury Park and Long Beach are two beach towns that represent this history, so Sophie and I chose to look into those towns. The Asbury Park boardwalk was opened in the late 1800s and served as a hub of Jersey Shore activity throughout the 20th century. One of the most famous New Jerseyans, Bruce Springsteen, got his start at a bar/music venue called the Stone Pony in Asbury Park. Although The Boss usually sells out MetLife Stadium when coming to Jersey rather than performing at a small general admission venue, a Springsteen concert and a concert at the Stone Pony are two great experiences I’ve had in the past that I would highly recommend.

Asbury Park is no doubt historic, but recently Long Branch (the next town over) has become a more popular destination among high school and college kids. Sophie and I decided that with the knowledge of Asbury Park in its heyday, we could see what all the hype was about in Long Branch. -Stephanie

Friends

Before I begin telling the story, I have to introduce two people who accompanied us on this trip to paradise. The first, a very good friend of ours, Elizabeth Laverty-Smith. She drives a baby blue Mustang Convertible and enjoys doing yoga in her free time. Liz was our co-pilot for the trip, scheduling our departure time both from Montclair and from the Beach, as well as keeping everyone posted on the changes in arrival time as we drove. There was never any confusion with Liz in the passenger’s seat. Our second guest for our first endeavor was another good friend of ours, Hanna Meziani. Hanna works at Watchung Booksellers and rocks sunglasses like no one you have ever seen. Hanna was the mother figure on this trip, always reminding us when to flip and when to reapply sunscreen. We would have burnt to a crisp without her by our side. -Sophie

Parking

When we first arrived to the Long Branch area, the first thing that we noticed, and probably should have expected, was the amount of people that flooded the boardwalk and the nearby shops of Pier Village. We mistakenly, to the fault of the GPS, started to drive through the busiest part of the boardwalk. This began our hectic search for parking.  After about ten minutes circling the nearby streets, watching those who had successfully parked skip happily to the beachfront, filled with longing for the sand in our toes and loathing of those who already had it,  we finally found parking a couple blocks from the boardwalk. I would say that there is only one way to combat the parking situation if you are planning on taking this trip during vacation. Don’t drive. You may be asking yourself well how then do I get to the beach? Conveniently enough, there is a train station about seven blocks from the boardwalk. Seven blocks might sound like a lot, but it beats scouring the abyss for open parking spots and wasting precious gas, that in this day in age, is not something most people can afford to waste. -Sophie

The Point

We made ourselves comfortable behind a group of college kids that we decided were interesting enough to sit behind, but not too interesting that they became annoying. Coerced by the heat and the strength of the sun, we began to lather sunscreen on our bodies, taking the correct precautions to make sure that we looked like anything but a tomato when we left. As we laid down on our blankets, books in hand, I began to watch the people in front of us for people watching is one of the most enjoyable activities to do at the beach.  My attention shifted from person to person, making up stories about them in my head, where they were from and what they were talking about. In fact, my favorite fantasy story that I conjured up in the tangled ball of yarn that is my mind is one very complicated love story. Looking at the group of college kids in front of me, one thing that I was sure of was that there were too many people for there not to be some kind of drama. So what did I do? I made drama. As two girls passed me, flicking up sand as they skipped by, I deemed them my new targets. In my mind they were sisters, both were in college and hadn’t seen each other in a while and what better way to catch up than tanning in the hot NJ sun. Plus, the younger sister, let’s call her Jen, couldn’t wait to introduce her older sister, Kaela, to the cute boy who lived on her floor during the year. Little did Jen know that her boy toy Jack was not so immune to his surging hormones as she originally thought. Jack was cute, his red hair captured the raise of the sun so much that at a glance you might think his head was on fire and his pale skin reflected the sun as much as his hair caught it. But oh Jack, even your glistening hair couldn’t get you out of this one. For as soon as Jen introduced you to her sister, you fell head over heels in love. What do you do now? I mean Jen is a great girl and all but nothing in comparison to Kaela. The whole thing was about to unravel in a flash of heat when my eye was caught by a familiar face. I couldn’t remember his name but I was almost certain that I knew him and I was almost certain that he had gone to Montclair High School the year before. - Sophie

Pier Village

When I felt my skin may have actually started to sizzle under the strong sun, we decided to explore the boardwalk area called Pier Village. Pier Village is a brand new area of stores with all of the 21st century New Jersey teen staples. An ice cream parlour, a pizza place, a sandwich shop, a cafe, and the infamous Playa Bowls were all packed with hungry teenagers. Pier Village is for millennials what the Asbury Park boardwalk was for baby boomers, a gathering space for a generation to enjoy the company of their peers and the shore itself.

After our time in Pier Village, we decided to brave the frigid North Atlantic waters to get relief from the 93° heat. It took a couple minutes of hesitant toe-dipping and internal pep talks, but Sophie, Elizabeth, and I finally sprinted into the freezing water. The cold shocked our bodies, making our legs and hands feel numb, the numbness quickly faded into a refreshing cool to contrast the aggressive heat of the day. As much as the Caribbean and other more exotic regions get all of the glory for their beautiful beaches, I’d still recommend taking a dip off the coast of good old NJ on a hot day. -Stephanie

The Alumni

As we thawed, I went back to reading my book, enjoying the breeze and the relaxation that only came when I was sitting on the beach. A couple minutes passed and again I looked up to continue my people watching endeavors and noticed that two more Montclair alumni had joined he who could not be named in a game of soccer. Long Branch is clearly a Montclair High School favorite, even after graduation. I tucked my head quickly behind my book, there was no way I was going to be caught staring at those people. I mean for god sake! I knew this was a popular beach, but I don’t go to the beach to see people that I already know, if I wanted to do that I could just stand outside my yard and wait for people to pass by. Did they see me? Even if they saw me would they recognize me? I mean am I even on that level? Like does anyone even know who I am? Do I want anyone to know who I am? Do I care if anyone knows who I am? No, I don’t. What am I some sort of fan girl? I don’t care if they see me. Let them see me! They should be grateful they saw me here! Crap how long have I been sitting like this? I should probably flip. -Sophie

Ending

Completely satisfied with our experience we left at four o’clock as initiated by our co-pilot Liz, but not before stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts and grabbing Iced Coffee because you aren’t really a Jersey Girl unless you have Dunkin’ Donuts in your hand. On the car ride home, iced coffee slowly turning into a watery soup and feeling a little crispier than usual despite my best efforts, I was struck with a moment of gratitude to be one of the many people whose spirits have been lifted by a day at the shore, a tradition that has existed for generations and hopefully generations to come. -Soph and Steph

[yakumtsaki]

There’s no easy way to say this so I’m just gonna come right out with it: welcome to the most morbid post in Union history. Half the family is getting wiped out in a single update and I don’t mean to point fingers, but it’s 100% Wyatt’s fault. I really need someone to blame so don’t dare try to take this away from me.

Back to the present and not the corpse-filled near future, we actually have some money to spend on our spawn for the first time ever, so Shajar gets a non-completely-depressing room. No more eating from the cat bowl for our kids!

..spoke too soon.

-Is it still there, is it still there??

-YES omg it just looked right at me! Vic! I’m scared!

-Don’t make eye contact with it you fool! Don’t you have any idea about how children work??

After not getting promoted for an eon, Jojo is suddenly killing it, two promotions in a row!

-I know, I was starting to fear I’d be one of those geniuses who are only recognized after death- UGH, what is that obnoxious sound?

That’s your infant child screaming because it was abandoned on the cold hard floor the entire night.

-Oh ok, so standard parenting. For a minute I thought something was wrong.

-There, there, you’re alright. Ok.. OK seriously, stop. God, have some dignity for once in your 12-hour life. Crying in public is so embarrassing.

-NEEEEEEO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Yup. I’ve been so focused on feeding Victor and Alegra’s ancient asses from the bowl of life that I forgot Neo was an elder too, so he’s the first to go even though he’s way younger than them, great job @ me. Goodbye Neo 💔 You were such a good boy, our cat heir, and an integral part in achieving Komei’s life-ruining LTW. You will be sorely missed.

..Apparently by your archenemy Victor most of all. Vicky casually walked off the lot the minute Neo died with no notifications about running away, only to return on his own shortly after. Wtf is going on in this house.

-I had to contemplate the futility of hate.. All this time wasted trying to kill each other and for what.. It's a sunrise and a sunset from a cradle to a casket.

Yea or this lot is already glitched as fuck and it’s only generation 2. Good times.

I was very bummed out by Neo’s premature demise and not in the mood for another kid, but one peek at Jojo and Wyatt’s life bars convinced me to drop the mourning period and circle-of-life this bitch. They are extremely not getting any younger and who tf do I think I am? Someone who knows better than Mufasa?However since a) Jojo is nowhere near his 100k LTW and can’t be taking days off and b) and more importantly, I hate Wyatt, guess who’s carrying this time around!

OH COME ON

GODFUCKINGDAMMIT WYATT

-Huhu!

How the hell did this happen I DEMAND TO KNOW

-Check how your mods work in le futur, idiόt!

..well you got me there.

Jo you are ON FIRE, 3/3! Maybe we can actually complete this 100k bullshit before you’re on death’s doorstep. It’s gonna be close tho, but you know, you just HAD to get knocked up again, so that’s on you.

-No, it’s on YOU.

No, it’s ON WYATT. Let’s just not point fingers and move on, ok? Everyone is equally to blame.

-NO THEY’RE NOT

I’VE MOVED ON I CAN’T HEAR YOU

And now a section I like to call: What the entire fuck is happening. VICTORIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING

-What?? I love babies :)

I legit went back and checked, can you guess how many times Victoria autonomously interacted with any of her kids when they were babies/toddlers? If you had EXACTLY ONE TIME you win..nothing. There are no winners here.

Oh. my. god. 

-Stop hogging her already, I wanna feed her too!

-WELL WAIT YOUR TURN DICK. No, not you, baby bobo booboo.. 

We’ve had our fair share of plot twists around here but this is truly some fucked up shit. In case you don’t get what the big deal is, enjoy this little trip down memory lane aka the Victoria-Komei-parenting-hall-of-fame. Either the ‘age mellows people out’ thing applies to sims too or they got personality transplants when I wasn’t looking. Disturbing.

Of course SOME THINGS never change, no matter how life-ruining for all involved.

-Is this about my LTW, STILL? It’s been like 20 years, GET OVER IT

NEVER

Whachu doing Vic?

-Updating my will to include Komei now that I suddenly love him. Of course someone has to get cut to make that happen..

Well goodbye Daniel I guess!

-..Who the fuck is Daniel?

-I too am making preparations for when I leave this cruel world.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume they’re cat-related.

-NO, not everything is about cats! I have plenty of other interests and concerns. 

Name one.

-My beloved son! I’m making sure he takes care of my cats.

Finally, this family’s excellence is starting to be recognized. It’s about time.

-Yea no, this is a recognition that you trainwrecks need all the help you can get.

UGH typical jealous hater bullshit, I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.

Ok, I’ve some idea what you’re talking about. Honestly what else has to happen for me to just. stop fucking throwing kid’s birthday parties? I’m pretty sure we’ve had..one that wasn’t a straight up disaster? God knows those glory days aren’t returning any time soon.

-I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m having a blast :D

Of course you are Gunther, you haven’t been sober since the third year of college.

AND SOME PEOPLE ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT. ABSOLUTELY NOT. HALF ALIEN PROF ISTFG

-I’m legit fine with this :)

I legit don’t care, it’s not happening in our sacred home. Also BRIT IS RIGHT THERE JFC you’ve gotten stupid as shit.

You guys seriously, what sins am I paying for, why can’t we have ONE NORMAL NON-INCESTUOUS PARTY. JUST ONE. Daniel heartfarting over his ex, ok, not that weird. Komei heartfarting over his daughter-in-law..getting weird. Gunther heartfarting over Half Alien Prof..reaching for the chlorine to bleach my eyes and then immediately drink.

Nice, get in on that action Wyatt! We almost forgot about your long standing boner for your brother-in-law.

Happy birthday, Shajar! You’re welcome for this amazing party, pay me back by not being ugly.

..yea ok. You did your best with the tools you were given. And I mean the literal giant tools that are your parents. Hopefully Wyatt came through with his somewhat balanced personality???

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OH MAN. 10 playful, 9 active and 1 nice? Literally sporting Jigsaw’s personality. I mean darling Jojo has 3 nice points and is..how he is, can’t even imagine what Shajar is gonna grow up to be like, but it’s good to know we’re moving in the exact opposite direction than intended.

-Enjoyed your kid’s birthday party, you cheating bastard? WELL PARTY’S OVER

-I may be a cheating bâtard-

-SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH YOUR SELECTIVE FRENCH ACCENT

AW Neo’s ghost making its first appearance and trying to kill Wyatt, what a sweetheart. Welcome to the party!

It was one for the history books! 

-How on earth did this party suck, I had an exceptional time.

Yea that’s because you weren’t there, it’s easy to have an exceptional time away from this family. Of course I have never personally experienced it but the mind does race.

-AH at last, my article is published! Oh, editor’s pick too, ha, of course. No, wait, editor’s warning.. As requested by the legal department? Drama queens. “Horrifying views expressed.. Widely discredited.. Not endorsed in any way by this publication.. DERIVATIVE??!!” Well, I know what I’m doing this weekend.

Is it.. rewriting your article?

-Oh, I’ll rewrite it alright. IN BLOOD

Great. Speaking of blood-

-Victor’s thirst for it is back with a vengeance. We went an entire 4 days without a cat fight and I was all like ‘woo new record’ but one thing has become clear since then:

Victor didn’t go away to contemplate shit. He was waiting..plotting..training..and now the time has come for Victor 2: Reign of Blood.

-WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW??

Seems about right. Honestly Sophie is the wisest one among us because she got tfo just in time to miss THIS:

Yea, unsurprisingly fucking Damien here is one vicious screamer. WHAT DO YOU WANT

-YOUR SOULS

Good luck finding any in this house.

-Who’s my cute little spawn of satan? Who is? Come to grandma baby.

-ONE SMALL STEP FOR ME, ONE GIANT LEAP TOWARDS THE ANNIHILATION OF MANKIND

Wyatt continues to do nothing of use all day and is not even getting promoted anymore due to his tragic lack of skill points. Somehow that led me to deciding he should be the one to get the genie wishes, I honestly dk wtf my problem is.

-Greetings, mortal etc etc. I’m gonna skip over the intro, you know the deal with the dealio, 3 wishes, let’s hit it.

-I was expectànt more of an Aladdin flair but c’est bien I guess..

-DON’T DARE MENTION THAT MOVIE TO ME YOU FRENCH ASSHOLE

-Um, oui, your désir c’est my command..Huhu! 

-Is one of your wishes the return of your brain, because you should throw that in there.

-Non, non. C’est but one wish in mon coeur, Genié. To nevér, evér have to interact with my bébés but still have beaucoup of them.. In case you can’t tell, I am sim de famille!

-Ugh yea, that much is obvious.

-Well, your wish is granted, mortal! Let me just flick your nose as hard as I can and we’re done here..

-Pourquoi?

-Oh no reason, just for my own pleasure. Buh-bye!

-And with that, he turned into la fumée, mon cheri! Incrediblé!

-I hate my life.

That makes two of us. As in I hate your life too, my life is pretty good.

KOMEI DO YOU MIND WITH YOUR DANGEROUS CURVES, Jojo has a grueling skilling schedule to keep up with.

-So this is it. Rock bottom. 

I mean, you wanted to be heir boo, you got it. It’s a dirty job.

Finally one of the Mortal Kombat cats lives up to its name! GET FUCKED VICTOR

-K.O

Well, we all saw that coming. Victor seriously, you’re like 50yo, don’t do this.

-I’m outta here for the fourth time bitches, and this time I’m not coming back! No man is an island but this cat is.

Ok, see you soon.

Wyatt’s wish is definitely coming true, he has not touched Shajar a single time yet, autonomously or otherwise! What a guy.

-I HAVE NO USE FOR EARTHLY FATHERS, THE ONE I NEED AWAITS US ALL IN HELL

It’s gonna be a long fucking generation.

-WYATT. WYATT YOU DAMN MORON WAKE UP

-Ugh Jojό, I told you, my magique protects me from all bébé interactiόn.

-DOES IT PROTECT YOUR TORSO FROM MULTIPLE STAB WOUNDS

It’s a girl! I’m like why stray from a proven formula, so I name her Cyneswith after another Crusader Kings character, who did not exist irl like Shajar but was still a fire emoji empress of Britannia. Welcome to the shitshow Cyneswith! No offense, it was great to meet you, but we have some important shit to do so..have fun on the floor?

FUCKING FINALLY. It’s promotions only from now on boo! 

..Which is more than I can say for some people. Wyatt seriously, can you move your useless ass up the ladder already so we can avoid having this freak in our house EVERY SINGLE DAY.

-The boy’s just following his heart ;)

Half Alien Prof you are by far the biggest pervert I’ve ever had in this game and Jojo spent his entire teenagehood trying to start a bdsm relationship with Stephen Tinker.

Well, Victor predictably died off lot, which is so on brand for him I’m not even mad. An insufferable dick to the very end, he lived to eat and to start fights with every animal he ever came in contact with. He only ever really loved Victoria. I’m gonna miss him so much.

Victor may have died, but that’s not going to stop the police department from trying to return him to us. Just remember that that place is under Wyatt’s supervision and it all makes sense.

Can hardly wait, Professional Make-Up Cop.

-I want to play a game, Alegra.

Man is someone gunning to be put up for adoption!

-Papa’s birthday présent to you, Shajar, is us finally meeting! Breathe it in, mon favori, I’ll be seeing you again on your next anniversaire!

-Wyatt I swear to fucking god, I will stab you.

Can we get this going please, I’m in NO MOOD.

Not bad at all! A pretty even mix of Wyatt/Jojo and I see you def did not get the Komei jaw, which is pretty much angels singing.

-Angels singing makes my eyes roll in the back of my skull. 

You make my eyes roll in the back of my skull.

-What?

What. I didn’t say anything. Love you Shaj!

-One more for the road babe? After 50 years?

Yea. Just pretend everything that follows has a broken heart emoji before and after each word.

I dress Vic up and have her wait for Death in the living room like a lady, none of those ‘dying in the bathroom in my underwear’ deaths, befitting people like Wyatt. However ideal the circumstances as far as death goes, my heart still broke in more pieces than cats Komei has petted.

-VICTORIA UNION

-Marisa? Is that you?

-NO, IT’S-wow cool armchair, where did you get-no, sorry, you’re dying and all, let me start over..

-VICTORIA UNION, YOUR TIME HAS COME. I’M HERE TO COLLECT YOUR WRETCHED SOUL

-What? My soul is not wretched jerkoff, the fuck you talking about?

-THAT’S JUST A THING WE SAY BECAUSE IT SOUNDS COOL, PLEASE DON’T RUIN IT

-HERE’S YOUR COMPLIMENTARY VIRGIN MARGARITA

-Virgin??? Oh god, I’m going to hell aren’t I?

-YOU WERE, BUT YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER MADE SOME CALLS ON YOUR BEHALF. WELCOME TO HEAVEN

-Yes, I can taste the alcohol in this! GOING GONE, BITCHES. LATES

The stacks of simoleons DID NOT EASE MY PAIN. I do love that Daniel got the most final version of ‘and none for Gretchen Weiners, bye’ possible.

Jojo is fucking devastated and immediately rolls the want to resurrect Vic. It’s bummy af, I’m not even gonna go for the obvious oedipal jokes, he was just crying for days and days and days..

Komei, on the other hand, WAS NOT.

-Eh, I’ll be seeing her soon enough, why waste the tears.

Now that I think about it Komei has never cried about any of the cats either, I think he’s just the type of person who deals with grief by suppressing it. Whatever works.

Jojo and Wyatt are always having these fashion talks whenever they’re eating which are hilarious because I can see Wyatt being into it, I mean he’s french, but in what world is fucking nerd Jojo interested in clothing. Not even that can cheer him up now 💔

Fucking Florence, bringer of doom, returns Sophie to us and the moment she does:

Tell me how am supposed to live without you, now that I've been loving you so long, how am I supposed to live without you, how am I supposed to carry on, when all that I've been living for.. is gone 💔

FUCK YOU FLORENCE

Jfc the blows just won’t stop coming. LEAVE US ALONE WE’RE IN MOURNING

Time for Cyneswith’s depressing ass birthday which I can’t give less of a fuck about, and apparently neither can Wyatt but then again he wouldn’t even if we weren’t ~back to black.

Loving the hairstyle but it does look ridic on a toddler. Good for you for committing to your british aristocracy character tho, very Downton Abbey.

Well the Komei jaw always knocks twice and apparently we let it in this time. Are you beautiful on the inside Cyneswith?

OH. MY. FUCK. BYE. CYNESWITH YOU FUCKING FREAK

-Huhu! 

NO SHE GOT THE HUHU. GOD HELP US

Cyneswith dramatically enters the toddler stage by immediately going into aspiration failure.. You can all guess where this is going.

-KOMEI UNION YOUR TIME HAS COME. I’M HERE TO COLLECT YOUR-

-Yea yea whatever, are my cats waiting for me? If you say no I will literally kill myself.

-I DON’T THINK YOU’RE GRASPING THE CORE CONCEPT OF DEATH, BUT YES THEY ARE WAITING.

-I’M OUT. TELL THE WOLF I LOVED HIM

KOMEI 💔 I’m sorry but we will not be delivering that message.

Apparently Jojo and Komei legit bonded at some point?? I was expecting like a half-hearted sigh but instead we got sobbing-

-and this sum that does not imply ‘least favorite kid’ AT ALL.

Well you know how the old saying goes: nothing will ever replace your parents but a helicopter will come close. 

Also in mourning: this breakdancer npc that randomly appeared on our lot and stayed stuck there for 2 days before I finally batboxed her into oblivion. This lot is fuuuucked y’all.

And generation 1 is officially over. Rest in peace Komei and Victoria, legacy founders, horrible spouses and somehow even worse parents. You stuck it out and were fun to play till the very end. I’ll really miss you guys 💔

[aboutallie-blog]

Allie, her hairs and chai

By S.A.R

October 5.

She stops. The cars move rapidly in front of her, leaving autumn leaves twirling and then resting on the asphalt. Getting from A to B as if their lives depended on it. Today, she isn’t. She closes her eyes. The smell in the air is fresh of dirt and a prick-teasing winter. The brisk wind caresses her cheeks. Makes her dress float like the fins of a Manta Ray traveling in the ocean. With slightly curved lips, she separates her thighs from each other. The wind spirals upward, and she can feel it tickle her undergarment. Tickle her inner thighs. Tickle her….

           “Would you mind moving a bit, love?” The old lady Allie paraded past a few minutes earlier has finally caught up to her. Her walker makes a squeaky noise as the woman is gesturing with her left elbow that she means to move forward. ‘Sooner rather than later’, her raised eyebrow says.

           “Yes, yes, sorry,” Allie replies, trying to move to the right in the exact same moment the old lady thrusts her walker to the left. The impact is swift, but painful, as the metal hits Allie’s kneecap.

           “Fucking hell!” Allie bursts out. Some by walkers stop abruptly and a few look at her as if she’s just hit the old lady in the face. Allie quickly closes her mouth and limps over the street, not noticing that the man is no longer green. There is a loud noise from five different car horns as a truck only barely runs her over. But in making the sharp turn to avoid Allie, the truck driver loses control, and the whole car tips over. There is a loud bang. Then five louder bangs. Then screams from all directions. In her panic, Allie wraps her down jacket over her head and turns away from the scene, limping hastily towards her apartment again. That Mars bar will just have to wait for now.

Later that day, after a worrisome nap of twisting and turning, Allie turns on the TV. There is a rerun of the news.

           “An elderly lady was crushed by a truck today, on her way to see her new-born great grandson in the hospital. So far one person is confirmed dead, and seven people are severely injured. Witnesses have said a young woman is what caused this chain collision, where five cars and a truck were involved. The police have launched an investigation.”

           Allie’s heart skips a beat as the news anchor mentions her. With shaking hands she changes the channel. A woman in a red dress pops up on the screen. She is sucking on a Cadbury Flake chocolate bar as if she is expecting melted vanilla ice cream to splash out of it any second. “The more you have, the more you want. Bigger than ever, new packaged chocolate pleasure.”

Allie can feel her mouth water a little bit. Great. She really wanted that Mars bar. Now, not only does she not have the chocolate she’s been craving since yesterday, she is shit-scared the police will knock on the door any second, taking her to some god forsaken place where they won’t let women tweeze their moustaches. She has watched Orange is the New Black, she knows how it is.

“And of course, I’m also sad the old lady died,”Allie mutters to herself, still rubbing her knee. It is twice the size of the other knee now. How on earth she’ll explain this to Tyler, she has no idea.

She reaches for a hard covered book on the coffee table in front of her.  Opens it up to today’s page and writes: Be nicer to people. Apparently karma will come bite themin the ass. And also, break up with Tyler.

There is a knock on the door. Allie jumps up and bangs her toe in the coffee table.

“Fuck!”

Her heart beats loudly in her ear, as she limps warily towards the entrance. She looks like she needs to pee, or has a stick up her bum, as she makes her way down the carpet-covered staircase. It still smells a little of sick from last weekend’s pre party. Allie makes a mental note for the hundredth time to call someone about that before she slowly opens the door.

“Miss René?” The uniformed man fills the doorway.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Are you Allie René?”

Allie nods her head slowly, all the while maintaining eye contact with the police officer. She read somewhere that doing this shows assertiveness and therefore innocence. The policeman takes an inch of a step back, clears his throat and straightens his tie, clearly uncomfortable by her big, almost black gaze.

Shit, too much.Allie closes her eyes for a second. They burn. A pair of tears roll down her cheek. Allie wipes them with the back of her hand and moves her gaze to his round tummy.

“I am sorry to inform you…” The policeman continues.

Allie can feel the lump in her throat grow, and another pair of tears press behind her eyes.

“That…”

She raises her hands up to waist level, ready for the handcuffs.

“We have found your dog.”

The laughter is instant, bouldering from the inner depth of her diaphragm.

“My dog?” Allie manages to say in-between her fits.

“I am so sorry, miss René. The dog-“

“Oscar.”

“Oscar is at the nearest vet, you can collect him-“

“Her.”

“Her by the end of the week.”

He hands her a business card with the veterinarian’s name on it, and walks off.

Allie gazes after him for a minute. From behind he kind of looks like her former, sort of, father-in-law. As she closes the door, she wonders whether she should feel disturbed by the fact that she felt a tingle in her vagina as she realised just that.

The door clicks shut, and Allie sinks to the floor. The immediate relief of not being arrested interchanges with sorrow over her dead dog. She also wonders whether she should have explained that the reason her name was called Oscar was to challenge gender stereotypes, and that she is following the almighty MJ’s advice on starting with the reflection in her mirror, and therefore chose to call her dog something that would make people think about just that. But she is sure he had plenty of more former dog owners to go and hand vet business cards.

Oscar had jumped out of the window trying to catch a squirrel, and Allie never saw her again. Days of yelling her name on the streets almost got her evicted. And the police merely laughed at her.

“At least they filed a report,” she mutters to herself, as she drags her ass off the floor and climbs the staircase to her living room.

She sulks heavily on the sofa for half an hour before she texts Sophie. The Chai tea has gone cold.

I need you. Oscar is found. Dead.

The phone beeps merely two minutes after.

On my way. Bringing Mars bars.

Allie sulks even harder as she reads this. She knows her so well.

https://itunes.apple.com/no/podcast/podcast-allie-her-hairs-and-chai-female-sexuality/id1370654709?i=1000409636432&mt=2