#I am so very satisfied with the ending though
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Daily Vibe Check 11/9
It really really paid off to give the other members a breather from vibe checks. They were very transparent and open today compared to usual!
As i mentioned before, the vibe checks for individual members will be briefer than usual unless it's something significant.
Enjoy!
Seunghan
Ace of Chalices
He's feeling generally well. There is a lot of emotional creative energy being fulfilled after a time of things being much more dry. In other words, he is feeling emotionally fulfilled and refreshed.
Eunseok
The Chariot
He is feeling generally well. Maybe very collaborative, healthy, and ambitious. This is that 7 card again which could indicate a certain sentiment of comradery making him feel this way. He may be working out lately or just very active.
Sohee
9 of Wands
He is feeling generally well. He is also feeling ambitious and active. Maybe in a more laid back way though. He is still really focused on his taks at the moment but putting pieces in place for the future he wishes to protect. So in general, he is just working and staying chill.
Shotaro
5 of Chalices
So generally he is feeling immature today? That's the vibe. I pulled another card for myself to clarify this and pulled the Devil. There are more layers to that I will discuss later. But generally, Taro seems to be stuck in a more negative mindset right now. I think he is very suseptible to this which is why a lot of times he will come off as unserious or sarcastic- or fall off the face of the earth to decompress and return to normal. Right now, I think he has shut down physically, emotionally, maybe even mentally due to his anxieties. However with this card it is clear it is a bit of an overreaction due to his impatience and uncertainties he is annoyed over. He may be very lazy and not willing to put in a lot of effort right now.
Anton
The Devil
Yup this is the extra layer we are adding. The fact that I have pulled this for him tells me one of two things. Either A- they duked it out, or B- Anton is the one mainly handling or wmpathizing with Taro right now. He may feel a bit suffocated by these feelings but he fully understands and validates Taro. Generally, he is feeling OK, but more so influenced by the bad feelings of Shotaro and trying to not sink into the same realm of negativity. I pulled the Empress after this so they will be fine in the end. Just a little phase here.
Wonbin
6 of Wands
He is generally feeling good. He may be starting a routine of sorts. He feels good about things in terms of the direction they are heading in, so he is putting a lot of physical effort in. He may be doing a lot of creative physical activities like dancing lately.
Sungchan
King of Swords
He is feeling generally well but closer to neutral. There are no super strong emotions. More than that, he is likely feeling very communicative and collaborative. He is focused on some sort of results or rather he wants or DEMANDS to have some results to a certain standard for him to be satisfied at the moment. He is more focused on this than anything.
How is SM feelings about bringing Seunghan Back?
Strength + 10 of Pentacles
Very good omen. The 10 of pentacles is about permanence. If they are feeling this way about the matter then they may be considering it seriously at the very least. But personally I believe they have already made a decision of sorts. With the Strength card as well this suggests that the conclusion will be reached victoriously after a lot of enduring and perseverance.
Bottom of my deck:
3 of Wands
I am going to start reading the bottom of the deck card so we can read the general energy surrounding the entire situation. Currently it is the 3 of Wands. This is about confidence and planning to me. In regards to this situation, and this is something I wanted to put in ending notes too: EVERYONE is working together to make sure that bringing Seunghan back is not only a reality, but a safe and loving reality for him. Mostly everyone is moving forwards with this sentiment, but being patient as we work is also extrmely important.
Final Notes:
For remaining notes, I will be sharing a reply to an ask post on my Tumblr, which I think sums up a lot of what we need to be doing. If you haven't seen it already, read it here: ����
#astrology#kpop#tarot#riize is 7#riize is seven#smsupportsbullying#riize#seunghan#anton#eunseok#sungchan#shotaro#sohee#wonbin#bring back seunghan
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Ep 22-23 Commentary
Ha...I was inexplicably nervous for eps 22-23 and it looks like I was right to be (-: What a rollercoaster. Spoilers below!
I've just come out of ep 23 and uh????? holy shit????? ZYC????
Ok ok but to backtrack, let's do my comments semi-chronologically:
Ep 22:
A carry-over from ep 21 that I have to mention—heck yeah PSJ give WZY hell. She doesn't have all that many lines but she sure knows how to make them count. Also seeing PSJ and WX get screen time just the two of them makes my brain go "yay <3"
Back to ep 22, loved the fake-out sundial ayeee that was a nice Chekhov's gun that also brings the real sundial back into relevance for later. Also me eating up the PSJ and ZYC crumb of an interaction has brought to my attention how starved I am of their screen time together.
This whole ep was a great lament towards the feared inevitable. Every sad downcast look from ZYC, every complicated glance WX gives him. A wonderful, terrible crossroads for these characters. I love that for ZYC especially, it's such an incredible mess of emotion coming to a head. Bad enough that he's come to care about the demon who killed his family and ruined his life, bad enough that he's sworn a blood oath he regrets and tied himself to punishing someone he no longer finds culpable, bad enough that ZYZ's life or death depends solely on his choice and ZYZ is constantly practically begging for death when ZYC wants him to live. How much immensely worse it makes the whole situation that WX is literally ZYZ's soulmate. And obviously the whole team has only grown more and more attached to ZYZ, too. ZYC's personal turmoil aside, how heavy must that responsibility and guilt be? For the finishing blow that only he can deliver to also deeply threaten every other person he cares about? Everyone understands in the abstract what must happen and why, but just like seeing ZYZ lose control firsthand, the gulf between understanding and experiencing is so unimaginably wide. If he kills ZYZ, can there really be no resentment from his friends? From WX?
Also it seems ZYC only wears cloaks so that he can give them to other people lmao
Ah fuck, the farewell drinks. I didn't even factor in how ZYC might not survive the encounter (''': The drama truly was like hm can we possibly give ZYC a worse day than that night his whole fam died? Maybe give him a bunch of new family members and also the blade and the fate and the sole responsibility to potentially irrevocably scar said family members with? And he might die in the process too? (-: haha maybe? (((-:
Oh. Oh. Addendum. I forgot this til I saw it mentioned in another post—ZYC recounting his oath as he watched WX smile when they discussed reviving the tree...I could feel him weighing those words against his own life, against ZYZ's life, against WX's happiness. One way out of this impossible situation is indeed to doom himself. I'm in pieces.
Damn if WX isn't dedicated heart and soul, going into the sundial like that. I'm sad no one could keep her company for those 300 years but also I guess that's kind of an impossible ask (and maybe not survivable for the other non-goddess mortals? I'm admittedly very unclear on sundial time loophole logistics). It would have been nice to see someone offer though, even just to be turned down.
Ooh I like the soul needle fake-out, given this show's penchant for retroactive "actually we had a plan all along" moments. A good subversion of the narrative's own style.
Also I saved this for the end because it doesn't really fit the linearity of my comments but what the fuuuuuuuck oh my god I absolutely flipped out at this scene:
I am at once rabidly intrigued and at the same time not sure if I'll be satisfied with whatever payoff will come for this so I don't want to overindulge in theorizing and setting my own expectations too high. Maybe this is just a fevered hallucination, maybe it means nothing (I hope it means something). But damn!!! What a gorgeous man crazy scene.
In conclusion, ep 22 had some good stuff for me. Plot development and reflection and tension enough that I may have been satisfied with just that one episode. But they gave us two, so onward to ep 23 comments!
Ep 23:
I like how many solid reasons the team has to suspect ZYC being possessed. Even though I withheld judgment during my watch given how quickly the show usually confirms that kind of stuff with a possession mark, just simply casting that doubt made the whole build up that much more intense.
ZYC slowly walking down the corridor with the whole grounds lit a somber and haunting gold—*chef's kiss*
ZYC's monologue to a catatonic ZYZ is so important to me. The closest we'll get to his internal monologue about this whole situation. The kinds of things said when we think there's no conscious listener.
Okay so, having finished this episode and looking back, Li Lun's hands coming up from behind ZYC was not to denote possession (at least in this episode), potentially is a visual from ZYZ's POV, and seems related to the above screencap. I am so, so curious. Once again, I'm stopping myself from further speculation because I want to be surprised but ahhhhhhhhh
PSJ shooting at Ao Yin is so gorgeous. Her action scenes seriously never disappoint—the creativity of her fight choreos!! Also very cool that the whole team is getting to take part in the action, not just the two male leads.
Bai Jiu possession was not on my bingo card but I sure do love that we literally saw the possession take place and I still didn't connect the dots. Good shitttt. Also oh no ): ZYC was telling the truth about the soul needle, he was just tricked ):
Seriously from the Ao Yin case to getting PSJ released to reviving the Divine Wood to getting tricked by possessed!Bai Jiu to making pear soup to fighting ZYZ to fighting Li Lun—when will ZYC get a single goddamn vacation day holy shit.
Also when will WX tear up that contract so ZYZ can stop having a mild heart attack every time he wants to kiss her ): &I love that they saved the 300-year montage for this moment. While their ship doesn't give me brainrot personally, who could be unmoved by that incredible and undisclosed sacrifice? That's soulmatism.
Okay, I'd seen clips of them filming the ZYC and Li Lun fight but damn I did not expect it'd be happening right now!! Right after already taking damage from ZYZ? And my god is Li Lun brutal. The two actors did such an impressive job on this entire fight, what with Li Lun's ease and ZYC's suffering. I really appreciated the extensive hand-to-hand combat after Li Lun literally obliterated ZYC's sword. (Also though, given the origin of that sword, I kept hoping for a flashback to ZYC's brother once it broke, but alas, no dice.) Anyway, the show does not play around about ZYC whump it seems. I was very very shook by that throat punch; that shit legitimately looked like it hurt.
Honestly, I had a hard time with the extended ZYZ and Li Lun conversation at the very end because oh my god someone please heal ZYC lmao. But of course, that's the end of the episode~~
Y'all...check on your local ZYC stans because I was not okay after all that (': I need a heaping dose of comfort after all that hurt, but as always I'm cautious of hoping for much from canon itself. So yeah! Ep 23 was solid, but I would probably be in better shape if today's release just ended on ep 22 ((':
Time to go wait for the cast's Hi6 episode to drop so I can heal my battered heart ;-;
#fangs of fortune#zhuo yichen#tian jiarui#fangs of fortune spoilers#gonna go watch TJR on blind box travel to tide myself over til hi6#thank god he is the literal embodiment of sunshine irl he never fails to make ppl laugh#i assume i will need much of that by the end of this drama#also not to MJTY on a FoF post (MJTY spoilers incoming!) but this level of TJR whump just takes me back to GSJ nearly killing GYZ#I was so hollowed out by that and since GYZ wasn't one of the leads I was trying very hard to resign myself to the fact that he might die#bc of course he was my fave#it ended up okay but he had GSJ to care about him#who does ZYC have ): obvs he has the whole demon hunting team but tbh more and more I see him as an outsider to ZYZ and WX's soulmatism#there's a heavy depth to ZYC's feelings for both ZYZ and WX#and I would say so far it is kind of unrequited in both cases (or at least any reciprocation is comparatively underdeveloped)#rip#why did i go and make myself sadder#episode commentary#meta
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how did your quick prediction before the last few pages turn out? 😃😭
I HAD A SLIGHT HUNCH AND I WAS RIGHT BUT I STILL ENDED UP SCREAMING AND CRYING
#spoilers for tpw:#I mean the only way for it to end is for Rin to die.#as I was nearing the end I knew she couldn't be placed in any place of legal power#because that's not RIN. she's not a ruler; she's a soldier. a weapon.#and in the last quarter or so I was thinking that I wouldn't put it past Kuang to kill Rin.#I am so very satisfied with the ending though#like don't get me wrong it's not a HAPPY ending not for anyone#it hurt. it really fucking hurt.#but it was the only way to end a trilogy like that and a character like that#don't get me wrong I would have loved for a character like rin to get absolution and peace at the end of everything.#but this isn't that kind of story.#and I think with all of her destruction - like this girl is 21 and has committed genocide.#the blood of hundreds of thousands on her hand(s)#and she showed no remorse. like the book said she would have razed the world to keep her semblance of peace#she's doomed by the narrative#she's been dead since the beginning#there is no other way this story ends#a war orphan beaten and ridiculed who clawed her way to power who stank of addiction to keep herself sane with a god that threatened#to break her psyche screeching in her mind as she burned people and cities and COUNTRIES to ash and brittle like they were paper.#gosh I can write a paper on her character. it has been so long since a book has made me want to write an essay.#ANYWAYS I'm getting off track lollz what was your question?#oh yes the ending was excruciating but also so liberating I want to drink warm cider and stare deeply into the abyss#and let the finale swallow me whole#tldr I kinda suspected it but the way it was executed was everything. so good. what a fitting ending.#answered asks
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I'll give them shelter like you've done for me
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#megumi fushiguro#yuji itadori#itafushi#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jjk leaks#jjk art#fushiguro tsumiki#took all afternoon but we wrangled the colours in2 submission#it was looking very green and kind of muddy#so i toned down the saturation in a bunch of places pulled in a lot more grey#kept a lot of the shadows Hard#i think it works#not sure it's the absolute best it cld be but i am Satisfied with it#overall i ws just kind of worried that it was looking rly similar to past pieces colour-wise#i think it kind of still Is but not as much as it would have been had i not made those edits#anyway. emo hours#ive been listening to jubyphonic's piano arr of shelter and thinking abt megumi#thinking abt him growing up n looking back on himself n seeing himself in tht lonely little boy#'it's a long way forward so trust in me' smth smth finding the strength to guide that kid forward even though both of u are scared#bc at the end of the day u Are still that kid#inner child stuff usually doesnt resonate much with me bc i don't like who i was/am/whatever this aint abt me#but in regards to megumi????? OW#in lighter news i remembered at the absolute last minute to lob off the top of yuuji's ear#bc that injury at least i think he keeps ghfssdfhfgsj
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One of my biggest pet peeves is the assumption that something has to be sad for it to be tragic.
I've always been a big believer of the 'Apollo has an awful love life'/'Apollo is plain unlucky with love' line of thinking but it does bother me that the general reasoning for that statement is given to the concept of 'Apollo is somehow undesireable and thus rejected' (Cassandra/Daphne/Marpessa) or 'his lovers die young and thus their love is unfulfilled' (Cyparissus/Hyacinthus/Coronis). I personally think that's a very unfortunate way of looking at things - not only because it neglects the many perfectly cordial entanglements and affairs Apollo has had, both mortal and divine - but because it presents a very shallow interpretation of the concepts of love and loss and how loss affects people.
Apollo can still grieve lovers that have a long, healthy life. The inherent tragedy of an immortal who knows his lovers and children will die and cannot stop it does not stop being tragic simply because those lovers and children live long, fulfilled lives. The inherent tragedy of loss does not stop being tragic simply because someone knows better than to mourn something that was always going to end.
What is tragic is not that Apollo loves and loses but that loss itself follows him. Apollo does not love with the distance of an immortal, he does not have affairs and then leaves never to listen to their prayers again. He does not have offspring and then abandon them to their trials only to appear when it is time to lead them to their destinies. He raises his young, he protects the mothers of his children, he blesses the households that have his favour and multiplies their flocks that they may never go hungry. He educates his sons, he adorns his daughters and even in wrath he is quick to come to his senses and regret the punishments he doles out.
Apollo loves. And like mortals, there will always be some part of him that wishes to protect the objects of his affections. Apollo, however, is also an emissary of Fate. He knows that the fate of all mortal things is death. He knows that to love a mortal is to accept that eventually he will have to bury them. There is no illusion of forever, there is no fantasy where he fights against the nature of living things and shields his beloveds from death. Apollo loves and because of that love, he also accepts.
And that, while beautiful, is also tragic.
#ginger rambles#ginger chats about greek myths#greek mythology#apollo#Listen man#I think there's something extremely beautiful about Apollo's affairs#Yes I know that Ares also loves and cares for his daughters but this isn't about him#There's just something about the way that Apollo put his all into it every single time#To the point that even when he does know better he still fights because of the strength of his love#The Iliad to me will always be a love story#Yes Achilles' wrath is said to come from his overwhelming feelings towards Patroclus#but what Achilles does has nothing to do with grief or love#By the end of everything Achilles forsook that love which ought to have defined his actions based on what he was saying#and warped it into a weapon meant to satisfy the void left by his loss#Apollo though - I am always taken aback by the sheer weight of his love#towards not only Hektor but towards all of Troy in the Iliad#And how he is very careful to balance that love and all the ways he wishes he could fight against their inevitably end#with his duties as one who is both aware of the impending end and whose position in the war#has put him in opposition with his elders#That delicate balance between a love so powerful that he is willing to take on the full weight of Athena and Hera's wrath#and an understanding that the battle he fights is not for victory but simply because for love's sake#How could you not think of that as beautiful and awesome and so achingly tragic#I feel the same about both Asclepius' and Actaeon's deaths#Apollo loved BOTH of his sons - Asclepius and Aristaeus - so so SO much#He was so incredibly proud of them both and delighted immensely in the both of their victories and talents#And so when Asclepius dies and it is by his own father's hand - I have always found his act of wrath so fascinating#Honestly this could be its own separate post - but the fact that Apollo does not beg Zeus to reconsider or to bring Asclepius back#when Apollo has made cases for lenience on things like that before speaks of a level of understanding from Apollo that Asclepius was always#going to die because of his pushing of the boundary between life and death#so he doesn't bother trying to reason with Zeus or plea his grief - instead going directly to destroying something important to Zeus
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When you’re switching from the anime to the manga of a series and the pick up chapter is the start of a fresh volume:
#Squiggily rambles#I’m reading wind breaker now#officially caught up manga wise what the anime covered#the chapter following is the start of Vol. 6#and I am so happy-#usually the pick up chapter is either halfway through a vol or at the very end#this though?#this is so satisfying
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Read Lonely Castle in the Mirror and I am an absolute emotional wreck. God, it's been a while since a story managed to cause me cry this much and just lie down and stare at the ceiling thinking about it.
10/10 for the psychological damage inflicted upon me.
#lonely castle in the mirror#i am not completely satisfied with the ending and wished we saw more of how the rest of the cast fared#and personally i wasn't that much of a fan of the final plot twist even though it made complete sense and very much foreshadowed#but it's the way the characters were crafted and how incredibly human and real and relatable and grounded they were#their inner conflicts and psychology and problems were just *chefs kiss*#so incredibly well written it drew me right in and also many scenes very much directly called me out#i will definitely buy the physical copies sometime later
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2024 reads / storygraph
Calling of Light
final book in the Shamanborn trilogy
about a young woman training to be a royal spy who discovered she had powers after bringing her best friend back to life
now, as the new king’s new shadow, must finally find a way to stop the Soulless, save her best friend from a magical rot, and stop the ever-encroaching dead forest
elemental & spirit magic
bi MC, no romance
read an arc from netgalley (but it’s since released)
#calling of light#forest of souls#lori m. lee#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#no romance#A solid end to the trilogy! I did find that it solved everything quite quickly#. - i thought i was maybe approaching half way then checked and it was 80% lol... I think that’s just it being YA#It’s more wrapping up the plot from the previous two books than anything else. I definitely had forgotten the intricacies of the politics a#- but the focus of this series is definitely on the MC’s journey and her relationships with others anyway.#Really all I wanted for this book was for it to continue to have no romance! So I am satisfied in that regard!#endlessly amused over reviews (for all the books) referring to the two dudes as the love interests. for who?#just bc they’re men of a similar age to the MC????#I thought the amount of times they were referred to pointedly as Friend and Family was overdone but apparently not djfghfd#also - there's a light implication that the two dudes would marry each OTHER for political reasons.#(though probably not actually bc heirs etc dfghkjfdgh) (I'm very amused about it all anyway.)#I did switch from the arc to the finished copy when it showed up available on libby
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Nancy Drew being over still feels so weird idk if it still hasn't fully sunk in or if I'm just doing better than I thought I would or maybe-
#it had to have helped we knew#like after l&co was canceled i was so miserable fkslfosl#it also helps that the ending was very satisfying#it's just disappointing we'll never see nace dating#but then i think about how 3 of the otps ive had for 5+ years never even kissed so like#comparatively it's still a win#and with all this being said i still randomly cry like IM NEVER SEEING THEM AGAIN#but overall#not doing as bad as i thought?!?!#i have to be careful how much i think about it too though because that is when i start to feel disappointed#so i'll probably have to wait a while to rewatch#ANYWAY#am i still typing#flythepost
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not to be dramatic but I literally feel like I’m going insane lol
#first of all I must acknowledge the percy of it all. I don’t know how many of you are reading those posts and honestly I’m not conveying#how I feel very well but I’m so deadly serious when I say I feel sick when I think about those books and not even in a bad way necessarily#just nauseous whatever. second most pressing issue is the whole “am I going to drop out transfer suck it up or kill myself”#okay I’m really not considering that last one I have to live to see dani in july but I haven’t the slightest clue what I’m gonna do next#year. on one hand I hope this school explodes on the other transferring sounds so unfun but back to the first hand I hate this city#and I hope it explodes to and I have nobody I know to live with off campus next year and tbh I would rather die than live w sarah suitemate#which brings us to sarah suitemate. how in the hell is my only friend in this god forsaken city like kind of subtly homophobic#In addition to kind of being a bad fucking person. like lol! yes ladies six months deep with no other friends and I Am that desperate#also it’s the very beginning of the quarter and I kind of hate all my classes. okay I know they just started and it’s very early to judge#but I already feel like I’m going crazy I preferred my other two quarters where I was eating literally 12 credits I was satisfied with that#I’m just scared and lonely can I say that outright is it embarrassing to admit that outright at 11am on tumblr#the only thing that gives me comfort genuinely is just repeating that “everything works out in the end” saying bc I really do believe that#even though I hope my closest friend within a reasonable radius of me drops dead and I’m directionless and I want to kill myself#whenever I think about the book I’m reading it will all be okay#anyways time to eat the pastry I got from the campus market is not a good time to tell you guys I didn’t eat breakfast or could you tell#carmen.txt
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*✧ — FEBRUARY 2023 WRAP UP
not much to add other than that the number of rereads is more than a third of my reading this month, which really surprised me bc it didn’t feel like it. the new stuff i read was quite good—nothing under a three star, which is great! oh, yeah, and ofc fuck jkr (read the books in preparation for a children’s & ya lit course. has not paid off yet, even though the books were on the general syllabus. not much else to say on the topic; i think we all know the good and the bad this series has to offer lol.)
2023 goal: 40/100 books
as alway, feel free to drop book recs, questions, or opinions in my inbox; i am always happy to talk to you about books!
* –> newly added to my favorites shelf
follow my goodreads | follow my storygraph | previous wrap ups
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The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Kiersten White | 4.5★ | review
Elektra by Jennifer Saint | 3.25★
Dig. by A.S. King | 4.75★
* The Razor's Edge by W. Somerset Maugham | 5★ | review
Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys | 3.75★ | review
The Hidden Face of Eve by Nawal El Saadawi | no rating
The Island of Missing Trees by Elif Shafak | 3.75★ | review
Agnes Grey by Anne Brontë | 4.25★ | review
The Book of the Most Precious Substance by Sara Gran | 4★
The Last Tale of the Flower Bride by Roshani Chokshi | 4.75★ | review
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rereads
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling | no rating
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling | no rating
Why We Broke Up by Daniel Handler | 4.5★ | review
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling | no rating
Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia | 4.5★
The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern | 5★ | review
#wrap up#goodreads#book recs#mish reads#the storygraph#funny thing about rereading hp after +10 years was that as an adult i am now even more intrigued by and interested with everything 'before'#as a kid i was already very fascinated with the 'adult characters' and the order stuff and everything to do with the marauders era#but now as an adult even more so#i am a sucker for complex and nuanced/complicated friendship dynamics and the marauders and friends just really offer that#the love the betrayal the angst—truly such potential#not that i'd ever want jkr to do anything with that but MY BRAIN is doing stuff with it. it's headcanon food.#anyway enough of that#razor's edge was SO GOOD!!!#another fav classic for the collection lol#very slow and philosophical and character-driven—so exactly my cup of tea#and the last tale of the flower bride was a great book to end the month on!!!#my tnc reread is probably what i enjoyed the most this month though. simply bc it was relaxing yet so very satisfying.........#maybe i'll reread tss soon(-ish)
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do you mind if i ramble in the tags about my weird relationship with making art in fandom for a second
#as someone who is studying art as a career one thing i have realized and also been explicitly told by various teachers#is the fact that having a 'consistent' art style is so overvalued sometimes that it ends up limiting you as an artist#literally i'd say 99 percent of the stuff we do in uni doesn't require consistency. it's actually valued when there isn't one#after all it is about learning and honing skills isn't it#so it has kind of put my personal conflicts in a different perspective#because before i started this degree i used to struggle so much with creation in non-academic spaces (which is pretty ironic. i know)#because the ppl and art i admired was mostly composed of art in fandom spaces#and the most appreciated artists in these spaces tend to be the ones who have a nice defined unique style#which isn't bad. i actually do still wish i could reach something like that#but it made me not want to create as much as i desired because i felt 'inconsistent' and i took that as a negative quality in my art#and it was so frustrating because nothing i tried seemed to 'stick'#which was also due to the fact that none of the varyingly different styles of drawings i posted seemed to reach many people#and yes i have heard time and again the whole schpiel of 'creating for yourself is better and quantity of likes/notes shouldn't mean as muc#to you as long as you're satisfied with your art blah blah blah'– c'mon. we all want our creations to be admired i'm tired of pretending#like i don't. i put it out there for a reason and it is for people to at least acknowledge it. it's the point of fandom. it's community#it's interaction. or at least it should be. that's another conversation though#so anyways since i started uni some time ago this frustration has been receding but it's very much still present#even more so when i get excited about doing/drawing something and then halfway through i get that pull in my chest of like. i'm actually#starting to hate it bc i can't reach what i want to#and so there's this disconnect that happens because i have many ideas and desires to create but i feel (even if it might not be true)#that i don't have the skillset to meet those ideas#which literally happens to almost if not everyone i know i'm not alone in this. it still sucks though#so i end up with about a dozen unfinished works monthly bc i start it/i reach halfway and hate it/i look at art and get inspired bc artists#in fandom are SO talented/i go back to it/i still can't reach the skill level i desperately want/i abandon it indefinitely#it's a horrible cycle that i really haven't been able to escape lately#it's also worse when you're at a time in your life when you don't actually have the opportunity or the time to try to achieve consistency#because you really just physically don't have the time to practice. which is the number one advice every good artist will give you#i am running out of tags but the point is. i hope we stop subconsciously putting consistent art styles in a higher pedestal bc it can be#very stressful for artists who struggle to find that in their creation#art related
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Incoming personal thoughts
Move on pls
now that I’m no longer on medication for my adhd and honestly managing and coping well I remember how much my “grounding actions” (stomping my foot to clear my mind of unnecessary thoughts, slamming my fists on a surface to bring me back to reality, sighing or clapping) or like my attempts to refocus were negatively viewed always and so it always feels like the people around me view me negatively and so I was constantly masking which left me frustrated and so exhausted cause I constantly have to manage my actions instead of being in the moment
#I’m really tired of feeling like everyone views me negatively all the time#it makes me feel like nothing I do is good enough which leaves me with two options#either I mask again and end up in an indefinite psych hold or#I stay isolated for the rest of my life since it constantly feels like I won’t ever have satisfying close connections#admittedly I am jealous of ‘normal people’ because they are able to have close connection with no problems#but I digress#I am just not built for them so instead of completely redesigning into someone I’m not and be unhappy#I can be happy albeit alone#and not framing it as being unloveable or anything but I think I’m just too much for people and even though it’s common to hear that you’ll#find your people or more cringey ’soul tribe’ I find that I’m even too much for 99 percent of the population#since my most banal actions seem to carry such negative connotations#then I have to explain.. ‘no I’m not upset or anything my brain was attempting to recall the song I made up to help#me remember my library card number while you were talking and I have to stomp to refocus on what your saying’#and it’s very very tiring
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*through gritted teeth, rocking back and forth* Being bad at art isn’t a moral failing. You’re not bad you’re learning. It’s okay if you’ve been drawing almost daily for four years and aren’t at the level you want to be. Look back and see how much you’ve improved. Do studies. Practise areas you’re bad at. Stop drawing only the same characters chest up in 3/4 profile view. Step out of your comfort zone. Look at tutorials. Use references. Study anatomy and colour theory and how light and shadow work. Stop making yourself upset over it. Stop hating yourself for not being good enough. Stop comparing yourself to others and getting angry over how they’re better than you. Learn to have fun while drawing. Art is supposed to be fun. Why would you do it if it’s wasn’t fun? Stop crying.
#*deep sigh* I don’t know how many more 2 a.m hysterical fits over hating my art I’ve got in me chief#I don’t know why I’m like this#usually I explain my behaviour by blaming it on childhood trauma#but my art wasn’t a trauma point#as in. I just never really showed it to my parents so they couldn’t say bad things about it even if they wanted to#well… there were those art classes with that one girl whoshe mom wouldn’t shut up about how great she was#and my mom spent tons of time with her so if I complained I’d just be compared to the girl#actually�� I was so much more confident in my art before those classes#like I look back at what I posted pre April 2022 and I had absolutely no shame#wonky anatomy? post it anyway. extremely amateur colour and shading and backgrounds? who cares#and no one in those classes was mean to me#everyone was so nice and supporting#but the very first time I was brought there was when I realised that I am objectively bad at art#and don’t understand the fundamentals and am only good at drawing the same thing over and over again#I was so close to crying that day#and I kept going back and it kept getting worse#holy fuck…#I enjoyed those classes a lot#even though I was having breakdowns left and right I was mostly satisfied with the end results#(yeah because the teachers usually ended up finishing everything for you ты рукожопая бездарная тварь)#but I guess that is where my problems started#god.. I wish I never went to those now#maybe I wouldn’t be like this#maybe I’d act even half well adjusted rather than sobbing into my pilllow every time my#(no reference no practice no knowledge of anatomy colour or shading)#drawing turns out less than perfect#good fucking god how pathetic can I get#and this is like the 10th time I’m making long ass tag rant posts about the same issue#and since writing them did I attempt to fix it? practise and study and improve? no. I just keep crying#like a little whiny bitch
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i have rewritten this fic four times. i am about to go insane.
#me: i spend too much energy making an outline before i ever begin writing. this time i'm just going to write and see where it takes me :)#me: meanders my way into a climax that doesn't make any sense#then i retroactively outlined to try and force what i had into a structure with a satisfying conclusion#but then the conclusion was very obviously forced and unnatural#after many attempts and pulling my hair out i think i have an actual story that makes sense with a natural conclusion#but i've rewritten it so many times that i feel like there are chunks that don't gel right#because they were working toward a different ending#so i am rewriting one final time and if it doesn't come out right this time then the fic goes in the graveyard#the nice thing about the fourth attempt though is that i've written it so many times that the scenes come easily. so that's nice.
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Intoxicated By Your Sweet Taste 🔞
summary: Zayne thinks he hasn’t given you much attention due to his work.
or
Pussy drunk! Zayne can’t get enough of you.
word count: 2k tags: NSFW, zayne x reader (afab), no plot just filth, oral sex, oral fixation, cunnilingus, clit play, swearing, vaginal fingering, vaginal sex, overstimulation, coming multiple times, domestic fluff at the end, pet names, breeding kink, creampie, established relationship fish notes: as always, pls heed the tags ~ nevertheless, this fic was inspired by this twt here ! hope all of u enjoy <3 ── ao3 link ★ ˙ ̟ | my twt !
It was past midnight when the door creaked open, revealing a tired looking Zayne. She was already in bed, snuggled up with the plushies her dear lover got for her. Zayne smiled at the sight before striding towards her, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.
That action caused her to stir, fluttering her eyes open to look at her partner. “You’re back.” She mumbled sleepily.
Zayne gently stroked her hair, lulling her back to sleep. “Go back to sleep, love.” He said as he continued to play with her hair.
“I’ll only sleep if you do too.” She replied, which earned her a small smile from Zayne.
Once he had finished showering, she couldn’t help but marvel at his chiseled chest, glistening with droplets of water, running down ever so slowly. She tore her eyes away, feeling a little bit flushed.
It doesn’t go unnoticed by her observant lover though as Zayne pointed out, “Weren’t you half awake earlier? It seems like you’ve got your attention elsewhere now.”
She didn’t even bother to attempt and deflate herself because it’s true. She is enjoying this view very much.
Just like that, she hoisted herself up and had her eyes solely on him. Desire and lust coursing through her veins. “Yeah… you’re not wrong. It’s because you’re so fucking hot, you know that?”
A chuckle rumbled out of Zayne, a little surprised by her bold declaration, considering how sleepy she was earlier. “Ah, so that’s what caught your attention?”
Before she could even reply, Zayne is already making his way to the bed. Her eyes widened slightly as he pushed her down gently, making her gaze up at him.
“Have I neglected my darling? Am I not pleasuring you enough?” He spoke as his face inched closer. She felt her breath hitched in her throat as the pit of her stomach coiled with pure lust.
The words she wanted to say were caught up, speechless by the sudden mood change. She bit her lip, “What are you gonna do if I say yes?”
Thick, strong fingers found its way to cup her face, “Then I shall take it upon myself to satisfy you until all your needs are met.” Without any hesitation, Zayne closed the distance between them and passionately kissed her.
She gasped as his other hand went to grab her hips, keeping her firmly in place as his tongue explored her mouth. Every ounce of sleepiness she had in her quickly vanished, instantly replaced by a primal hunger for him. She needs, no, she yearned to be one with him. To feel him in every way possible.
“Don’t… hold back.” He murmured in between her lips before he moved to trail kisses down on her neck, eliciting moans and whimpers. She closed her eyes shut, taking in the pleasure she’s receiving as he continued to suck and bite on her neck, leaving behind marks.
It was just a pure coincidence that she decided to wear a nightgown but she’s thankful nevertheless since it gave Zayne easy access to slip his hand up and caress her soft skin, feeling her up. She can feel her pussy growing needier and wetter with each touch he makes.
She sucked in a deep breath when his fingers began to rub against her slick, “Someone’s excited.” Zayne remarked as he suddenly pulled his fingers away and moved down to crouch in between her legs.
Instinctively, she spread wide open, staring down at him. “So wet for me… you really want this, hm?” She nodded eagerly, “Please… I need it.”
The once impassive doctor morphed into something else entirely. His expression held a plethora of emotions behind them as he felt his own hardness beneath his towel. “Very well. Scream for me princess.”
Any sort of thoughts she conjured up turned into nothing the moment Zayne licked her drooling pussy. His tongue expertly flicked her clit as she laid back down on the bed and writhed in intense pleasure.
“F- fuck! Zayne… hghh!” She moaned out as Zayne lapped at her needy cunt, savoring all of her wetness, wanting to taste all of her.
Her hands immediately tugged onto his hair, pulling him closer to her crotch as she screamed out his name repeatedly. It was too good that she could barely keep still, Zayne held onto her thighs to stop her from squirming.
The familiar pit in her stomach intensified, itching her closer to release. “Hahh…! Z- Zayne! I’m close, I’m so close!” She whined out, to which he kept tonguing her entrance vigorously until she arched her back and came all over his face.
Zayne pulled away slightly and licked his lips. There are traces of pussy juice on his mouth but he didn’t care. Not when his precious sweetheart tastes so divine. Before she could even beg him to put his hard shaft inside her, she gasped once she felt Zayne’s tongue on her folds again.
“W- wait! I… I just came!” She exclaimed, feeling like her legs were gonna give out from pleasure. But Zayne paid no mind as he resumed his ministrations on her sopping wet cunt. Even after orgasming, her pussy still throbbed for more.
At this point, she’s pretty sure she’s on cloud nine, especially when Zayne sucked on her nub, making her tremble. Green eyes observing her movements, watching as she moans and whimpers. Looking beautiful like this, Zayne wanted to keep this memory etched into his mind forever.
It was unbearable, she tried to push him away but he kept a strong grip on her legs, his tongue relentlessly flicking her eager pussy, swallowing all of her juices. He can feel himself getting intoxicated by her dripping cunt. There is nothing more rewarding than coming home everyday and getting to lap at her entrance like a starved man whilst also relishing her delightful sounds.
“C- coming!” Her hands scrambled for purchase as she came undone. Zayne lifted his head and spoke in a raspy voice, “Did you feel good, honey?”
There was no single coherent thought in her mind right now. She couldn’t even think properly, it’s all a muddled mess, too foggy with pleasure. Sensing her pliant demeanor, Zayne moved to her side, brushing off the strands of her hair from her face.
“You’re so good for me, dear.” Was the only thing she heard before Zayne trailed his fingers down to caress her inner thighs, igniting goosebumps all over. She weakly muttered, “What are you doing?” Instead of responding, Zayne leaned down and pecked her lips. “Are you a good girl for me?”
His finger easily slipped in her gaping pussy, thrusting it in and out, earning a mewl from her. She bit her lips, “T- too sensitive... Zayne…” She clutched onto his arm, looking at him with glassy eyes.
“I said, are you a good girl?” Zayne repeated his question but this time, he inserted another finger in, taking away all of her last resolve.
“Mhmm… ah! Yes! Yes!” That further drove Zayne to keep plunging his fingers deep inside her gummy walls.
It has been hours since Zayne has been pushing her far off into her limits. Sleep be damned as he is now lapping up at her loose, dripping cunt. She could only let out soft mewls and moans whenever he skillfully buried his head in between her thighs. No amount of protest could get him to stop. It’s like Zayne has been possessed by an insatiable lust demon or some sort, at least that’s what she thought.
Tears stained her cheeks as she stared at Zayne who was lazily eating her out. “Zayne… please…”
He gave her pussy one last lick before meeting her teary gaze, “Please what?”
“Please… fuck me…” She pleaded, her hands reaching out to pull him on top of her. “You’ve been torturing my pussy non-stop… I want to make you feel good too.”
“Ah, I see. So, my needy princess wants it that bad?” He spoke as he discarded his towel. It’s kind of amazing at how he managed to hold back his desire to mount her completely, especially since she looked ravishing like this. Blissed out and glowing from the amount of orgasm she lets out.
She nodded eagerly, “Give it to me, please? I’ve been so good.” To emphasize, she wrapped her legs around his hips, trying to close the gap between them and feel his body against hers.
“I guess someone deserves it, after all.” With ease, Zayne lined his cock on her entrance, sliding it in and immediately began to thrust.
While their love-making session was always tender, albeit sometimes a bit passionate, it was never really like this. Intense and unrelenting with vigor as Zayne continued to pound into her deep. Her cunt spasming and clenching tightly around his cock. “Fuck… you feel so wonderful around me, sweetheart.”
Even if she wanted to say something, each thrust made her eyes roll back. Her mind is running into an overdrive as Zayne picks up his pace, unfaltering and burning with the need to come inside her.
Noticing Zayne’s furrowed brows and his eyes closed shut, “Come for me. Come inside me, baby. Want you to breed me.” She spoke, her voice laced with urgency and desperation.
At last, Zayne thrusted inside her hard before stilling, heaving and burying his face in her neck. She smiled at him dazedly as she cards her fingers through his hair. When Zayne pulled out, he watched in fascination at how her cunt drooled with cum. The sight alone made him want to ravage her right then and there, but he knew, they both had to sleep.
So, instead, Zayne helped clean her up and cuddled her as they both drifted off to slumber.
Something was wet… and there were sounds of shuffling. When she woke up, her eyes widened as she saw Zayne languidly circling her clit with his tongue. “H- huh?” She uttered out, confused and yet, Zayne only mumbled out, “Lay back. Let me please you once more before I leave for work.”
How could she refuse when her lover had asked so sweetly? She did as he instructed and laid back down on the soft bed, letting him spread her wide open. At this point, she had lost track of how many times she came, especially from last night.
This time, Zayne made sure to take his time, flicking her folds ever so slowly. One part of her felt like he was torturing her but another part of her couldn’t help but preened at how good it feels when he’s savoring her like this.
The morning sun casted a soft glow around the room, making this even more enjoyable as she focused on Zayne, tasting every drop her cunt oozed, not letting any of it go to waste. The slurping sound reverberated across the walls as she flushed.
Despite coming so many times, the familiar pit in her stomach still lingered, coiling and intensifying as she neared her climax. “Hghh… Zayne… baby, I’m so close.” She meekly mewled out, her legs shaking. Zayne sucked on her nub and sneakily thrusted a finger into her cunt, scissoring her whilst he ate her out.
Just like that, it was enough to drive her to the edge. She came, hard on his face. Her vision blurs and she shuts her eyes closed, letting the euphoria wash over her.
She faintly heard Zayne uttering a soft, “I love you” to her before getting up and tucking her in bed.
The second time she woke up, she found that Zayne had already left for work. She groggily got out of bed and headed to the kitchen. There, she found a plate of breakfast ready made for her and a bouquet of flowers.
Her body was sore all over but this gesture made it all worth it. Smiling, she walked up to the table and picked up the bouquet, smelling the flowers before sitting down and stuffing the food, the tiredness fading away and was replaced by hunger.
Luckily for her, she had a day off today and was able to cozy up at home until Zayne comes back. He gave her a fond smile as he placed the bag on the coffee table, “I got you macarons from the cafe. What do you feel like having for dinner? Let me cook for you.”
Safe to say, she is indeed a lucky girl to be able to love and be with Zayne.
#love and deepspace#zayne love and deepspace#dr zayne#li shen#lads zayne#l&ds smut#l&ds zayne#love and deep space#zayne li#zayne x reader#zayne x you#zayne x y/n#l&ds#lnds smut#lnds zayne#zayne smut#love and deepspace zayne#lads#lnd zayne#love and deepspace smut
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