#I am saving a bunch and when I have time off (and attention span) I am making some mouses!!!

[karmaajr]

HEYO Y'ALL!!!! I got bored and decided my last intro post was WAY too unorganised (even by my standards frfr 😔😔🙏) so i made a new one!!! hopefully this ones a bit better or else ima light somebody on fire 🥰🥰

anyways dms n asks r ALWAYS open and if ur new to my person-being-blog-whatevs and wanna get to know me or smth then FEEL FREE TO SLIDE IN GIRLYPOPS!!! I'M ALWAYS BORED SOO 😭😭🙏 (might take like, a billion years to reply tho mbmb >:3)

and thus again, without any further ado, MY INTRO POST 😍

🎶 try to strike a chord but it's probably A MINOR 🎶 -> ✨️im under 18✨️ idm nsfw convos tho bcuz theyre funny :D

sooo tbh you can call me whatever you want? like ppl call me different things (eg senka calls me kam, bea calls me keke/kekere bcuz shes 🎶a meanie, a big meanie🎶 my irl bestie westie pookie poo calls me jeena CUZ HES A LIL BITCH) but MHM!!! CALL ME WHATEVER U WANNA <33 (as long as it dont feel masc bcuz my dumbass got issues w feeling masc for some RANDOM STUPID REASON 💀) (like im literally a cis girl why do i got problems w this....... but YAAAA 😭) (she/her btw!!! if that wasnt obvious!! ^^)

✨️i am cringe but i am free✨️

I SOMETIMES USE GENDERED TERMS LIKE GIRLY/BRO/DUDE/ETC BUT I DON'T MEAN IT GENDERED SO IF YOU FEEL IFFY THEN DONT HESITATE TO HMU N TELL ME TO FIX UP MY SHIT

btw im a tad bit of train wreck but if u enjoy the chaos then we'll get along js fine i think pooks 😋😋

anyways it came to my shitty little attention span one day when i was just being a silly lil girly that some of yall think im white when i say im british....... CHAT NOOO IM BORN N RAISED IN THIS TEA RIDDEN COUNTRY BUT ETHNICITY WISE IM BANGLADESHI!??!?! YALL IM LITERALLY A BROWNIE OMFDS 🤧

also a lot of this blog is a bunch of reblogs of shit im interested in BUT I DO HAVE OG STUFFFFFF, THEY'RE JUST IN THEIR OWN TAGS U GET ME??? anyways some of the tags!!!

karmaajr rambles -> for everything i post besides answers to asks :3

karmaajr answers ig :D -> answers to asks ^^

important thing for me to tag bcuz yes -> random thing i really wanna save (also im bad at tagging so sometimes thing has an "s" or tag has an "s" lmfao, ITS A RLLY USELESS TAG TO TRY SCROLL THRU ICL.... RLLY DRY AS WELL)

karmas mum mentions :3 -> i like to think this one explains itself yall 😘

daddy's unhinged -> anything about my sweet ol' pops (who totes cares abt me yall) 🥰

my sister and I -> anything my sister is involved in that i actually remember to tag LMFAO

NOT MY ASS MENTIONING PANIK -> me wanting to save things that r to do w my gf 🫶

BTW HIS @ IS @panikbutt0n AND SHE'S MY MAPLE SYRUP CHUGGING 4LIFER AND LITERALLY THE BEST THING SINCE RIPPED BREAD AND I LOVE HER SO SO SO MUCH SO ACC HIT HER UP PLZ 🙏🙏🙏🙏

btw yall, ur homegirl aint no gatekeeper so the group matching pfp thingy is from @tuturthecarvroom 's blog (n they very skibidi sbg art btw so i do reccomend frfr) and mY HEADER IS OFF GOOGLE SEARCH 😍😍

ALSO I AM CURRENTLY MATCHING WITH THE SILLIEST GROUP EVER FRFR, GONNA TRY @ THEM ALL BUT IT'S HARDDD (my memory is the shittiest thing since That One Time my friend shit his trousers on call w me 💪💪💪)

@lee1504 -> BRAINROTTED KING 🙏🙏

@d011zk1ll -> both kind af and somewhat unhinged??? like both "do a good deed to make somebody else's life easier ☺️" AND "im gonna eat a bicycle :p"

@sketchingwithlyn -> JUST THE CHILLEST GUY EVERRRR!!!!

@rot-decay-erosion -> gramps 🧓🏻 (also known as the desendant of our king garfield 😙✨️)

@afrogwhocantdraw -> RESIDENT BENLOR POOKIE

@low-senka -> the brokest senior citezen youve ever met 💔💔💔💔 (yall need to donate to my guy 🥺🥺🥺)

(also the thing below had me stuck looking at it for literally AGES so hehehehehhehehe GET TRAPPED IDIOT!!!!!! >:3!!!!!)

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(dots r fun)

anyways i have no clue what else to write!!! which is weird bcuz im a yapper frfr :D

ANYWAYS LOVE Y'ALL ✨️✨️✨️

WAIT

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THEY 👥 DONT🙅🏼‍♀️ LOVE 😘 YOU 🫵🏼 LIKE I 👀 LOVE 🥰 YOU 🫵🏼🫵🏼🫵🏼

[somegrumpynerd]

Me: yeah I'm super normal about mice and rats I like them a normal amount

Also me: looks at crochet patterns for mice and fights back tears

[roo-bastmoon]

BTS Tutorial: Billboard Charts

So how does charting work when it comes to Billboard?

Hey, fam. Let’s get into it.

First off, this information mostly pertains to folks living in the United States or Puerto Rico. If you live elsewhere, you’ll want to pay attention to the rules for your own country and concentrate on helping the boys chart on Hanteo and GaOn (Circle) charts so they can win awards in Korea.

Second, did you know there’s more than one Billboard chart to focus on?

The first chart is Billboard Hot 100. This is the music industry standard.

This chart is focused on singles. They track how well the singles do for 1 week (from when it drops on Friday night until the following Thursday.) The chart usually updates by the following Tuesday morning.

Streaming is the most dominant factor, but sales and radio play also are important.

Jimin is releasing singles for FACE and we want them to chart well, so if you can afford it, it’s important that you pre-order the digital singles for “Set Me Free Pt.2” & “Like Crazy” at the official BTS store.

(The single CD for “Like Crazy” is also available for pre-order if you can swing that!) You can buy those things here and they will count for the charts:

If you have Amazon Prime, it’ll let you connect to your account and you can pay for it that way—super convenient.

Now hear me out: If you can’t afford it, that’s okay. Don't stress out.

Please save up to buy the album on iTunes and Amazon, if you can do that, and either way, just be prepared to work your butt off streaming the singles online. (I will be posting a mini-tutorial on streaming soon).

But don't neglect the singles. Hot 100 very much matters.

The second chart is Billboard 200. Getting BTS members on this chart at least is a matter of honor.

This chart is focused on albums and EPs.

Roo, what is an EP? I’m glad you asked!

EP stands for Extended Play. It’s for mini albums, like FACE, that typically have 6 or fewer tracks and run less than 30 minutes. For EPs, it’s great to stream the songs in the order of the original tracklist, so all songs have an equal chance to chart.

LP stands for Long Play. That refers to a traditional album with 6 or more songs (sometimes more than 12!) that run longer than half an hour.

Of note, we saw photos posted on social media in 2022 of Jimin working with a bunch of artists and producers who do not seem to be featured on the mini-album FACE. It is therefore possible (I am not making promises) that he might have plans to release an LP later. Let’s keep an eye out.

Anyway, back to Billboard 200.

This one is a big one and we simply must help Jimin to place well here. In order to make the chart, Billboard tracks pure sales, and something called SAS (streams and sales) which combines TEA, SEA, and SES.

What is up with the alphabet soup, Roo? Again, so glad you asked.

TEA stands for Track Equivalent Albums. In this case, 10 tracks = 1 album.

SEA stands for Stream Equivalent Albums. If you cannot buy the album, you need to stream your guts out. As far as I can tell, the following formula still holds true:

--1,250 streams from a premium stream (such as a Spotify Premium account) = 1 album/unit sale. --3,750 streams from an ad supported stream (such as a free Spotify account) = 1 album/unit sale.

So if you sign up for a free trial for Spotify before FACE comes out, your streams will count 3 TIMES AS MUCH as a free account’s efforts.

And you need to stream 1,250 times for it to count as an album sale. Please be ready to have a device devoted solely to FACE streaming nonstop for a week.

SES stands for Stream Equivalent songs. Here’s the formula for that:

--125 streams from a premium stream (such as a Spotify Premium account) = 1 song unit. --375 streams from an ad supported stream (such as a free Spotify account) = 1 song unit.

Like Hot 100, Billboard 200 tracks from Friday night through to Thursday night and posts results the following Tuesday.

Finally, there’s something called Billboard Global 200.

This includes world-wide songs counted in 200 different territories. The chart tracks both streams and downloaded sales.

A note about digital sales: it’s not enough to just buy. Once you buy, you gotta DOWNLOAD IT onto your device or it won’t count.

Also please note that streams only count from official sources (subscriptions and ad-supported platforms like Spotify, Apple Music, YouTube Music). Playing your digital copy on WeVerse does not count for Billboard.

By the way, did you know YouTube has a Music platform for charting, beyond just watching the official music video on regular YouTube? Check out YouTube Music and get familiar with it!

Now this is important so please pay attention.

Do not use a VPN when you are trying to chart something. VPN hides your IP address, which makes you look like a bot or a non-US/PR user, and that disqualifies your efforts. TURN OFF YOUR VIRTUAL PRIVATE NETWORK WHEN YOU STREAM.

I found all these very helpful explanations around Billboard Charts from this source (all credit to them):

Please note, however, that much of their info came from 2021 so I’m not exactly sure it’s all still accurate. As I learn more, I will update. If you know of better info, please comment or DM me so I can update this post!

Feel free to reblog or share this post with others so we can spread the word and share the techniques.

Be on the lookout for mini-tutorials coming soon on how to stream on different platforms. We have a whole month to practice until FACE drops and you really do need time to get used to switching between accounts and figuring out the best playlist techniques.

Stay strong, Jimin stans! By March 24th we will be in good shape and as prepared as possible to help our IT BOY. He's worked hard for us, now it's our turn.

[rigaudon]

highly controversial (esp for tumblr) take under the cut, brought to you by me, less than 24 hours after running out of my antidepressants

i hate the continued trend of "quirkifying" (thing i made up just now) mental illness, but I especially hate how recently tumblr has latched onto, specifically, adhd and autism and turned them into personality types that people slap on a name tag to show off how unique they are. I hate that being neurodivergent has become the go-to excuse for terminally online people to justify their shitty behavior. I hate the sentiment that being unmedicated is something to be proud of. I hate that wanting to be fucking normal is a cardinal sin, because ew why would you want to be like those boring neurotypicals.

I hate it. I want to be normal. I started taking medication for ADHD when I was four years old and I have never, not once in my life, thought it was a Fun Thing To have. I hate that I've spent the last 15 years slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably--no almost definitely--autistic, but am still vehemently opposed to it and unable to reconcile that fact despite all the evidence. I don't want to be autistic. I don't want to have adhd. I don't want to make these things a part of my identity that I share with people in the same breath as I talk about my favorite video games or dnd class.

It's not fun. It's not a cute, exclusive club you get to be part of.

It's miserable and alienating and people don't take it seriously. Because you're just lazy and not trying hard enough. Why haven't you done this task you promised you'd do six months ago. Why did you fail out of college? Why did you squander that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? Why don't you finish anything you start? Having a low attention span isn't an excuse to not communicate like a normal person. I've had to tell you this five times why can't you just remember? Why can't you save any money? Why are you so fucking weird? Don't you ever think about anyone other than yourself?

Why can't you Just Be Normal?

I would give anything to just be a shitty, irresponsible person who makes bad decisions out of carelessness or lack of empathy. I would give anything to be a "boring neurotypical". Because I could work on that. I could become a better person. i could learn from my mistakes and have that actually mean something practically rather than just cognitively.

It's an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Accepting that my brain just does not work correctly and no amount of positive thinking, or bullet journaling, or time management skills, or even medication will fix it. It will always be a struggle. It will always be a ten ton weight shackled to my ankles that I have to drag behind me through any task that doesn't result in instant gratification. There will never be a permanent solution. I will never wake up one day and suddenly be able to do these basic fucking tasks that everyone else does without issue. I will always have to remind myself to brush my teeth, or to eat breakfast, or to take a shower, or to make sure my cats get fed. It will always be an ordeal to get the mail or to go grocery shopping or to keep myself from sabotaging every good thing in my life for the umpteenth time.

It's exhausting. I'm so tired. I'm so sick of fighting against myself every waking moment of every single day. I'm so sick of being told that I don't deserve any kind of accommodations or allowances or compromises and there is no excuse because "everyone else has to do these things and you don't get special treatment".

I don't want special treatment. I don't want everything different or "wrong" with me to be painted on my skin in bright red ink for everyone to see. I don't want to be reduced to a bunch of boxes so people can just glance at the labels and decide that's all they need to know about me. I don't want to stand out. I don't want to be different. I want to fucking blend in and be unremarkable and boring.

I just want to be fucking normal.

[365days365movies]

Japanuary I: Ikiru (1952) - Recap

Akira Kurosawa, baby!

Man, every time I've returned to Kurosawa, I've been super-excited! I've talked about him before (in both a published review, and an unpublished review that I may finish one of these days), but it's always cool to revisit one of the masters of cinema! And, while more people in the West know him for his 1950 film Rashomon and 1954's Seven Samurai, he has far more famous films in his filmography, and I'm gonna watch a BUNCH of 'em! That's right! IT'S A KUROSAWA MARATHON BABEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

So, where to start? Well, I've seen Rashomon and Seven Samurai, which means I've skipped a seminal Kurosawa film: 1952's tragedy film Ikiru. That makes this the first film I've seen directed by Kurosawa that isn't a samurai film on some kind, and the first film I've ever seen that Wikipedia straight-up calls a tragedy film! What the FUCK does that mean, and what am I in for? Well...time for some background, I guess? It all starts with author Leo Tolstoy, and OH FUCK, TOLSTOY?

Well...shit. That explains a few things. Leo Tolstoy is, of course, one of the greatest Russian writers and poets of all time, famous for the novel Anna Karenina, and the notoriously 1225 page long historical novel, War and Peace. Yeah, it's that dude. And no, I haven't read either book, or seen an adaptation of either, and you'll REALLY have to convince me to do so. My attention span...she can't take that much pressure, cap'n! But anyway, Tolstoy wrote a novella in 1886 called Смерть Ивана Ильича, or The Death of Ivan Ilyich. It's about a judge who dies. Because of course it is.

However, Kurosawa is excellent when it comes to adapting stories from other cultures, and translating it through a Japanese lens. I am terribly excited for Throne of Blood and Ran, which are Kurosawa's adaptations of Shakespeare, so this should be just as interesting. In fact, Ikiru is said to be one of the greatest films of all time, which is...wow. Hell of a bar to clear, I tell you what. But OK, how did this film get made?

Well, apparently, Kurosawa wanted to make a movie about a man who was set to die in 75 days. His career didn't matter, just his imminent death, and his quest to find meaning in the process of it. And I'm not sure, but Kurosawa may have come up with that idea before Tolstoy's novella was even consulted. Screenwriters Hideo Oguni and Shinobu Hashimoto, the former of which would be a long-time writing partner of Kurosawa's starting with this film, used the novella as inspiration, and they were off. The film was made for $85,000 (the equivalent of $1,011,342.83 today, holy...FUCK, inflation is a motherfucker), and release to critical acclaim.

And that's not just in Japan. Roger Ebert considered it one of his favorite films, and critics in 2012 called it the 12th greatest film of all time. And it was equally well-acclaimed by American critics back then, although it was poorly known to American audiences (unsurprisingly). It's consistently considered one of the best films ever made, and would inform cinema and Kurosawa afterwards. Hell, he credited this movie for being the reason he adapted Macbeth to make Throne of Blood, which I'll get to next. So let's see what the fuss is all about, and...probably get kinda depressed, let's be honest here.

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

We start with our protagonist, Section Chief Kanji Watanabe (Takashi Shimura). He's a bureaucrat in the Public Works Office in Tokyo. A boring man with a boring life, who's done nothing with that life save to serve the boring busy bureaucracy in which he's suspended. His position is not meaningless, but he does nothing substantial with it. Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring. And, unbeknownst to him...he has stomach cancer.

We're presented with an issue in a standing cesspool in the public parks that's proposed by a group of concerned mothers., who also propose replacing it with a playground. We trace a ludicrous path that the question travels, starting at the Public Works Office, all the way up through the levels of bureaucracy, until we get to the Deputy Mayor, who directs them right back to the Public Works department, to their understandable fury. However, they return on a day that Watanabe is absent from work, which is atypical for him.

Turns out that Watanabe's at the doctor's having been suffering from stomach pain. While he's waiting, a regular at the clinic tells him the symptoms of an ulcer, vs. the symptoms of stomach cancer. You see Watanabe resonate silently with the latter, and the warning that they will only tell him he has a mild ulcer if he either has an ulcer...or has less than a year to live. And unfortunately for him...the doctors tell him he has an ulcer. After Watanabe leaves, realizing he has stomach cancer, the doctors say there's no point in telling him, as he has only six months left to live.

He goes home, distraught, to tell his son Mitsuo (Nobuo Kaneko) about the diagnosis, but finds that his son's wife Kazue (Kyôko Seki) is talking to him about using Kanji's money before he dies, basically not caring about his existence. He's about to tell him, but decides against it after hearing that. Also, fuck his daughter-in-law, she really sucks. This starts a series of flashbacks, where we find that Kanji's wife and Mitsuo's mother has long past, leaving Kanji to raise his son as a single father, only for his son to semi-abandon him at the behest of his wife. Well. This isn't fucking tragic at ALL.

After quietly crying himself to sleep that night (YES, ACTUALLY, JESUS CHRIST), Kanji wakes up the next morning and...doesn't go to work. We actually jump forward by five days, and he hasn't shown up to work since. He disappears, and nobody knows where he is, including his family. Turns out, he's been drinking his troubles away, and is attempting to...well, content warning here, but end it all. But he can't bring himself to do it, wondering what he even lived for in the first place before coming to such finality. He reveals this in conversation with a writer, a random Novelist (Yūnosuke Itō).

As Kanji pours his heart out to the Novelist, in a manner that is truly depressing, he asks for help in spending the money, as he's never learned how to...live. The Novelist offers a night on the town entirely on him, feeling pity for the man, as well as a measure of fascination for somebody like poor Kanji, whose "cancer has opened [his] eyes to his own life. Fuckin'...Christ, why did I make THIS the first movie to watch for this challenge, good...GOD.

The writer and Kanji go to the pleasure halls and nightclubs, burying themselves in hedonistic pleasure that Kanji's never experienced before. In the process, they head to another nightclub, where a piano player asks for song requests. And Kanji has one: Gondola no Uta. It's a ballad from 1910 meant to represent the old telling the young to live their lives before it's too late. Kanji sings along, and...look, to get the joke out of the way, he completely harshes the vibe of the club. But to get the seriousness of it all...it's fucking heartbreaking. You're watching this man break in real time. It's an incredible performance by Shimura, because you can feel his absolute and unabiding pain. Not to mention...seeing it. Because that camera's really cooking, direction-wise, and it BREAKS. MY. SOUL.

The two continue clubbing after that, but it's not really the same. Kanji tries a bunch of hedonistic pleasures, with the writer as his Mephistopheles guiding him along, but it's not what Kanji needed. They part company soon afterwards. The next day, a sober-but-distraught Kanji wanders the streets, then runs into Toyo Odagiri (Miki Odagiri), a young female employee in his office who's desperate to quit in favor of a less monotonous, more meaningful career. She needs his signature to let her leave, and he brings her back to his home to do so.

In the process, the two share their feelings on their job, hatred from Toyo's part, and discontentment on Kanji's. He can no longer remember why he began the job, and only thinks on how busy and boring it always was. The joyful Toyo contrasts with the dour Kanji, much to the confusion of his son and daughter-in-law, who question his association with such a young woman. Understadably, for the record, 'cause it is kinda weird without any context.

So, while he and Toyo have some fun on the town, so Toyo's eventual discomfort, and while Kanji almost tells her the reason for his distress and wanting to absorb her zeal for life, he doesn't. He returns home that first night, attempting to tell his son again that he's fucking dying, only for his son to cut his dad off, and yell at him for going around with Toyo, DESPITE NOT EVEN ASKING FOR THE CONTEXT AT ALL!!! BAD SON, MITSUO! BAD SON!

Seriously, though, this is basically Cat's in the Cradle (y'know, the Howard Chapin song), but if there was an extra verse where the son told his Dad to fuck off! Anyway, this reprimand precedes Kanji's absence from work for two weeks, peppered with spending time with Toyo, who starts working at a toy factory, and tries to break off the uncomfortable situation. But, on one final night, Kanji finally attempts to explain why he enjoys spending time with her, and does explain that he has stomach cancer. He opens up further, explaining that he can tell he's dying soon, and that he and his son are basically, spiritually no longer related.

He presses her to explain how she can feel so alive, and that he can't let himself die until he feels the same zeal that she does to live. She replies that she doesn't know why she has that zeal, and all she does is make toys for kids, which makes her feel connected to every child in Japan. He despairs as he tries to figure out how he can do that in his job and position...then runs off with an idea. In the process, he leaves Toyo behind, kinda broken by the revelations that've just happened. Me too, Toyo, me too.

The next day, much to everybody's surprise and confusion, Kanji is back in the office, with a big-ass pile of paper, and ready to work once again. And this job is to FINALLY take care of the goddamn cesspool that the mothers were asking about. It'll be a long, cross-departmental operation, which will take coordination and some bureaucratic legwork, which Kanji literally intends to do. And his plan is to turn the cesspool into a park, exactly as the mothers suggested!Awesome! It'll tale about five months, but now we'll track his progress through

...Oh. He's dead. Oh.

Six months. Kanji Watanabe died in a little less than six months, as we were told he would. No miracles, no angels, no wrong diagnoses. He's just...dead. And now, in his place there's the new Section Chief, Ono (Kamatari Fujiwara), the cold and bureaucratic Deputy Mayor (Nobuo Nakamura), and a new park that he's taking the credit for. While the press, including the novelist, attempts to give Watanabe the credit, AS THEY FUCKING SHOULD, Sakai argues that those efforts were instead a part of his job and basically built the park himself. And NOBODY IS CALLING ON HIS BUREAUCRATIC BULLSHIT, INCLUDING HIS FUCKING SON!!! Jesus CHRIST, does NOBODY give a shit about what this man did?

As the bureaucratic sycophants and toadies all suck up to the Deputy Mayor, giving him the credit, the same group of mothers from earlier come up to the funerary service, asking to burn incense for the dead Kanji. And as they weep and sob at the feet of the man that saved their fucking community when nobody else fucking would, the bureaucrats, AND FUCKING MITSUO, THE SPINELESS PIECE OF SHIT, all squirm uncomfortably, as they realize they're bad-talking the man ON HIS FUCKING DEAD BODY GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

...Jesus, this movie got me fuckin' GOING there. As Mitsuo and his fuckin' wife leave the room, these filthy fucking bureaucrats finally leave the room after defaming the legacy of this man, who froze to death while dying of stomach cancer, by the fucking way!!! God. Fuck all of these people. After the deputy mayor and his fucking toadies leave out of discomfort, the remaining bureaucrats still defame him, not even trying to acknowledge his role in getting the wheels moving when they were fucking GLUED IN PLACE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Good goddamn, as soon as I think I'm done, the movie riles me up again. Amongst this disagreement, the group questions why he would've done this all-of-a-sudden, having undergone this sudden transformation. None of them knew he had cancer, and they refused to believe that he knew either. They instead blame it on his sudden "romance" with Toyo, until Ono and Sakai (Haruo Tanaka), another part of the Public Works Office, begin to recall his immense enthusiasm (AKA, think about it for MORE THAN FIVE FUCKING SECONDS).

One by one, bit-by-bit, they start to realize that this motherfucker worked day-and-night, think-and-thin, sweat-blood-and-tears to make this shit happen, despite pressure from all of the departments that needed to work together to get this done! He hunted these bureaucratic assholes down to get this work done, tirelessly hounding them until they GOT OFF THEIR ASSES AND DID SOMETHING. They claim to have pitied him, they claim the other departments were worse then them, they claim and try their damnedest to take or dodge responsibility where appropriate, but no matter what, there's one undeniable fact: Kanji was a fucking KING, and the reason this park happened at all! This beautiful motherfucker stood up to the fucking Deputy Mayor, after being told to abandon the project altogether, and cut through his STUPID STUBBORN BUREAUCRATIC LAZY ASS TO GET THIS PARK BUILT GODDAMN IT I FUCKING LOVE THIS MAN

The funeral party considers whether or not the effort was worth it, but still, still belittles Kanji's place in the process! He has ONE dude, Kimura (Shinichi Himori), actually giving him the credit. A guy who SAW his struggles, even saw him dying in the hallways of the building. He has A SINGLE MAN, WHO ISN'T HIS FUCKING SON, sticking up for him the whole time!!! Goddammit, I'm SO UPSET! Over the night of drinking and thinking, these stupid idiots (except Kimura, who's the MVP here) reminisce over and over about his good deeds, and we actually do get to see Kanji's progress over the course of those five months. He's threatened, bullied, almost run over, belittled, ignored, and pushed aside figuratively and literally, over and over and over again, all while he's dying! But he doesn't care! He still goes on! He's a fucking hero!

Finally, these idiots, now drunk off their fucking skulls, realize that Kanji did realize he was dying, which explains his doggedness to get this project done, despite the obstacles in his way. And they still that that revelation and make it about themselves, claiming they would've done it in his place, were they to die! God! But when somebody points out that anybody could die at any second, and none of them have the TITANIUM GONADS THAT KANJI WATAFUCKINABE HAD, they realize that Kanji was a great man. Which really sucks, because this is a hangover away from being forgotten by all of them.

Now...NOW...FUCKING NOW...they start complaining about the tediousness of bureaucracy, and realizing that ALL of their shit does stink. And finally, in a final flashback, we see exactly how Kanji Watanabe died. A policeman drops by to pay his respects, and noted that he saw him that night, and didn't attempt to get him out of the cold, because EVERYBODY IS AN ASSHOLE APPARENTLY. Anyway, he saw Kanji, happy and on the swings in the park, once again singing Gondola no Uta, while swinging away in the snow.

I'm touched. I'm sad. AND I'M MAD AS FUCK

These fucking assholes, son, daughter-in-law, brother, bureaucrats, deputy mayor, cop, EVERYBODY (except Kimura and Toyo), CAN ROT IN HELL!!! Mitsuo calls his father cruel for not telling them he was dying (HE TRIED, YOU LITTLE SHIT), and they realize maybe Toyo wasn't his fucking "girlfriend", even thought they NEVER BOTHERED TO EVEN ASK HIM!!! And after all that, after everything, these drunken bureaucratic sons of bitches wail and cry that they'll improve, and be better like Kanji was, ONLY TO GO BACK AND DO THE SAME BUREAUCRATIC BULLSHIT THEY WERE DOING BEFORE GODDAMMIT ALL TO HELL

Kimura tries to stand up. It's futile. Nobody stand with him. Instead, he goes out after work to see what Kanji did, as the children play.

I'm fucking angry, and this movie is fucking great.

I'm just...moved. I'm touched, I'm saddened, and I'm in awe of how good this movie is. It's almost 2.5 hours long, and it didn't feel like that at all. It's fantastic. And I've never felt more like FUCKING MEGATRON IN MY LIFE!!!

BURN IT DOWN!!! ALL OF IT!!!

See you at the Review.

[tainted-wine]

I didn’t apply all of these descriptions but these are the main three I had in mind while writing this. How did I attract so many fans of the crusty boi? Either way, welcome to the club!

Words: 1.5k (how the hell did that happen there’s barely any sex)

---------------------

The website didn’t explain what the “LOVER” cheat does. Probably unlocks a deleted path that didn’t make it into the official game. Or maybe he just gets a head-start on his Affection progress with you at the very beginning. Or maybe it doesn’t do shit – that could be why there’s no explanation.

Well, now that he knows how to do it, it wouldn’t hurt to test it himself. Shigaraki absently scratches at the irritated skin on his neck as he boots up the game. The directions were fairly simple and easy to remember.

1. Start a brand new file.

Ugh, he despises games that hold only one save file. It’s not like a visual novel holds up much space. What if you want different files in order to experiment with different choices? It doesn’t matter in his case anyway; he 100% completed the game months ago. With no regrets, his original game was deleted and a new one began.

> What is your name?

He might as well stick with the one he used last time.

‘SHIGGY-SENPAI’

The introduction cutscene began, the protagonist going on about the new town he just moved into. Pretty by-the-books, as far as romance openings go.

2. Finish the intro. Once you meet Y/N, go to the menu. 

After skipping through a bunch of fluffy dialogue, you finally appear in all of your cute glory. Once you’re done introducing yourself, Shigaraki brings up the main menu.

3. Type in “LOVER”

Just like that? Alright then...

Right after inputting the final letter, a sparkly ping sound straight out of a magical girl anime could be heard, and that was it. Okay...it sounds like he did it correctly.

When he returned to the game, his success was much more evident. You were staring directly at the screen - almost through the screen - with a glowing expression he’s never seen. Each and every one of your reactions have been seared into his brain after so many hours of gameplay. This was new.

“You...do you really mean that, SHIGGY-SENPAI?”

What? Voice acting? Though you did say his name pretty stiffly, as expected when a computer tries to pronounce custom text, but what the hell? Why would this be hidden as a cheat?

“But it’s so soon, and I’m not very experienced...” You blushed and shyly twiddled your fingers.

Oh.

“But I already trust you, and I want you too.”

Oh.

It’s that kind of path.

A hidden adult route. Shigaraki really likes that, even though this would’ve had a much stronger impact if it happened on his original file, the one where he was fully bonded to you. Sucks that he needs a fresh file in order to fuck you.

Shit, he’s not even prepared for this. Maybe he should go grab the lotion and a couple of tissues, assuming that this special scene will make for pretty decent fap material.

But the dialogue continued automatically. You creeped closer to the screen as you gushed about your feelings for him. “I want to make love to you forever and ever!”

You were getting really close, and with a show of impressive animation, your hand reached out to touch the fourth wall...

And the screen began to distort and ripple.

What the fuck?

“I just can’t wait to feel your amazing cock.” Your fingers began to phase through the fucking computer screenWHAT THE FUCK?!

“Take me, SHIGGY-SENPAI!”

Just like that, a full-sized bitch materialized out of the game and onto his lap, nearly toppling his gamer chair.

Even in the darkness of his room, your eyes shined brightly as they studied his pale face. “You’re even more handsome up close!”

Shigaraki was still too stunned to even respond to the rare compliment. Only when you began to pull down his pants did he finally find his voice again.

“Wha–ah–who the–hey!” He knows that he shouldn’t be afraid of a hottie touching his cock but ooooh shit she’s already stroking him.

“Ah, you’re so big!” You stared at his untouched manhood in awe, watching him become more erect after every pump of your soft hand.

“Fuck, am I?” He gasped.

“Mmhmm! And I bet you’re really tasty too!” You say before he’s suddenly engulfed with the very real warmth of a mouth.

Fuck fuck fuck he isn’t gonna last. He was ready to jerk off, not actually get his dick sucked. It feels more amazing than he ever imagined, your tongue working along his sensitive flesh, and those lips sucking at him so eagerly.

When his hand grabs the top of your head, he realizes too late that all five of his fingers are tangled in your hair.

You nearly fall over from how suddenly Shigaraki rolls back in his chair. You look shocked, confused, and...very much not a pile of dust.

“What’s wrong, SHIGGY-SENPAI?”

He looked at his hands, then at you, then at his hands again.

Then he takes hold of your face and shoves you back into his groin, because he can touch you, he can touch another fucking living thing without any worries about completely destroying it. Must be some crazy logic about you being data from a videogame or something. He doesn’t care, he’s so horny, feels so good having his cock so far down a hot tight throat, he just might burst...

Wait, he might have just done exactly that.

“Ah, shit,” he watches you pull back and swallow with the most satisfied grin.

“That was quick, SHIGGY-SENPAI!” You really need to stop saying his name like that. It’s fuckin’ weird. “I didn’t even get to feel you inside me.”

“Shut up,” the mixture of emotions he’s been experiencing ever since your ass crawled out of the screen like a girl in a cursed video is starting to piss him off. He’s so insulted and thankful that this fictional bitch gave him his first blowjob and made him nut in the span of sixty seconds. “Just give me a few minutes.” 

A few knocks on the room’s door startles both of you.

“Tomura, the Vanguard Action Squad is ready to move out.”

Shit!

“I’ll be out in a damn minute, Kurogiri.” Shigaraki moves to get out of his seat, only to be stopped by his new partner.

Your sparkly puppy eyes are so grossly cute, yet it has his dick twitching again already. “Are you leaving me already, SHIGGY-SENPAI?”

“Quit saying my name in all caps.”

“Okay, ˢʰᶦᵍᵍʸ⁻ˢᵉⁿᵖᵃᶦ.”

“Not like that. I can barely hear it.”

“How about SHIGGY-SENPAI?”

He slaps a hand over your mouth. “Just stop saying my name.”

A much harsher knock rocks the old door. “Hey, you ugly bastard,” That sounded like the Dabi asshole. “The hell are you doing in there? Jacking off to anime girls?”

Shigaraki scoffed. When’s the last time that burnt Stain fanboy got his dick sucked?

As much as he wants to join in on terrorizing the brats at U.A, he really wants to get laid today.

“Just go without me!” He yells through the walls. He nearly misses your muted squeak of joy.

“Eh?” Hearing Dabi’s annoyed muffled voice was pretty amusing. “You’re just gonna sit on your ass in your room while we do the work?”

The villain’s retort catches in his throat when you take his hand and begin to slowly lick at his fingers, all while pinning him with an innocent gaze.

“Your fingers are so pretty,” You whispered.

It’s so difficult to pay attention to the words being uttered outside of the room while his hands are being placed on your chest. BOOBS.

“Please trust Tomura. I’m sure he has faith in you all handling this mission on your own,” Kurogiri tries to explain. Shigaraki knows him well enough to know that he’s probably irritated as well, but there are titties in his hands so who gives a fuck.

Dabi releases an exasperated groan. “I knew this whole League of Villains thing was bullshit. Shouldn’t have bothered.”

Shigaraki slows his exploration of your breasts to shout, “If I make you the leader of the mission, will you shut up?”

“......Yes.”

“Well, I pronounce you leader of the Vanguard Action Squad. I’ll even give you a Nomu. Have fun.” The two of you are rushing to lift your shirt off for better access to your skin.

“Fuck yeah,” Dabi’s voice is still fairly close. The sooner he pisses off, the better. “I can probably pull this off better than you, anyway. Come on, psycho girl, we’re gonna go round up everyone else.”

Toga can be heard squealing excitedly as they both step away and finally give him his privacy back. You look absolutely lovestruck by the entire exchange.

“You gave up an important mission just for me? You really do love me!” 

He just rolled his eyes and lowered his head to take a hardened nipple into his mouth, enjoying your sounds of delight.

He can’t wait for the next time he faces those stupid heroes. He’ll be smarter, stronger, and can even tell them that he got his dick wet.

Oh, the collapse of hero society is going to be glorious.

[starshipsofstarlord]

Online dating

darcy lewis x reader / masterlist

summary; darcy decides to try a dating app, least to say, the guy isn’t anything like his picture. and thus she ditches him, and finds someone else in a hot second / warnings; the oc guys in this fic are dicks, homophobia, darcy being bae, swearing, mentions of sex and cheating, mentions of joy x reader.

he was a polar opposite to what he had portrayed his online self to be, screw the internet! this date was truly tragic, darcy had plenty of things that she could be better using her time for, rather than sitting opposite this oaf, that was licking his unappealing lips, and staring at the waitress when he thought that she didn’t notice.

“huh?” the scientific doctor pulled her phone out, ushering a puzzled expression on her face as she stared at the blank screen. she of course recognised that no one was making any attempts to contact her, but he didn’t know that. “one second.” she held her finger up, bringing the phone to her ear as she blabbered into the speaker that was inherently catching nothing that she was saying.

“slow down jane.” darcy falsely ushered, using her hands to exaggerate the conversation in her head. she put the phone down, a facade of panic elaborating behind her spectacle adorned eyes as she grabbed her belongings in a frenzy, standing upright and out of her seat. “im so sorry, my friend has just hit some guy with her car and she needs some moral support. tonight is going to have to be cut extremely short.”

short was a relief, but the hopeful expression on this dude’s face wasn’t. perhaps it was cruel to leave this guy hanging, and well, she couldn’t blame him for wanting more, she sent him an awkward smile as he began to speak. “we should do this again some time - properly.” darcy wasn’t dumb, she noticed how his eyes sped to the side as the curvy waitress walked by.

“sure...” no, definitely not. darcy was well aware that she was wasting her time with this moron, she didn’t need a man, let alone a dweeb of one. a quick wave was all she bade him as she exited the coffee shop, only to become engrossed in a scene erupting on the local streets. there was a woman, flinging shirts, and a bra within the bundle that looked as though it was not her size, what was she thinking, clearly it wasn’t, at said example of figurative masculinity.

“screw you durkus!” any guy named ‘durkus’ was basically a label confirming that he was a dick. “i don’t need you, nor the next man! i am a well established woman who has done more for this country than you could ever know, you’re dust beneath my feet, a pathetic layer of residue that i want nothing more to brush off.” perhaps she was being harsh, but it sounded like he deserved it.

from the red lipstick, that the woman was not at all sporting, from the random bra that she had flung at her partner, it was a safe bet to assume that he had cheated on her. darcy plodded closer, listening whimsically in, and realising that her life was pretty calm, there were no longer asguardians or dark elves infiltrating her life, nor the work that she had attained to field in.

she had only recently earned herself the title of doctor, and it was frustrating that people would assume that she opted for a profession in a hospital room, or they would forget the professional endorsement all together, and address her as ‘miss lewis’. she was no one’s puppet, she had scaled herself up the ladder of her career to be where she was now, but another thing that she was alongside such a wave of potential was a feminist.

this dick was shouting in the streets, calling her inexplicable names such as a ‘whore’, and a ‘two faced bitch’. having the ability to hear the insults brew anger in her stomach, she couldn’t just stand there. “what are you going to do, turn into a complete lesbian?” now that was the last straw, it had darcy marching over, and promptly she shoved the guy, making him drop all the items that were grasped in the basket of his arms.

a flabbergasted ‘huh’ was riveted from him, and it made darcy smirk as she attuned his attention towards her; the stranger that had gotten involved in his public display of disrespect and homophobia. “how about you watch your damned mouth before i make sure you can’t open it again. and whilst you’re at it, get some new shirts, you’re not a model, unless you’re the kind that are put on prison pamphlets.”

“who the fuck are you?” he spat his saliva on the ground by darcy’s feet, establishing her with the information that her first impression of this dick had been correct. women just knew with this kind of thing, they could sense trouble from a mile away. “you know what, keep that crazy bitch. maybe you can help her store her katanas, and go on double dates with danny rand and his plus one. rather you than me.”

“don’t ask.” the woman shook her head, tired of the drama that durkus always seemed to bring. she had enough trouble, involving work and extracurricular night time activities, without him adding to them. darcy presented her with a sweet smile, picking up the box of random bits and bobs that was on the floor. “that’s just work stuff, i’m moving offices and as i came to collect some things from our apartment, and i found him- well let’s just say he wasn’t alone.”

“that was pretty easy to pick up on. how’d you not realise that you were dating a total sleaze?” she was blunt with her enquiry, though the woman shrugged, a guilty expression cowering upon your features, like an ashamed shadow. a small, attractive smile graced her lips, secrets hidden beneath the span of the expression.

“oh, i knew. i just had to pretend to be happy, so that my ex, or well now, my other ex joy would stop chastising me, claiming that i haven’t got over her. she’s so up her own ass sometimes and it drives me- shit, i’m sorry, you don’t know me, nor do you need to hear about my problems.” the y/h/c haired woman shook her head, stretching her hand out to miss lewis. “i’m y/n, thanks a bunch for helping me out back there.”

darcy accepted her handshake, completing the action as she smiled. “i’m darcy.” this woman didn’t need to know about her doctor title, in fact, darcy was keen on knowing everything about her instead. “so’d how you meet him?” referring to the person that had most recently became y/n’s ex. y/n was relieved that darcy had shown up, she was sure she’d have used her martial art training for more than composition; she’d have kicked durkus’ flat ass.

“on a dating app.” it was a normal answer, she wouldn’t share the intel that before that she had saved his ass whilst wearing a black hood, stopping him from getting mugged in the dead of night. perhaps she should have saved someone else that particular late evening. darcy couldn’t help but let a small laugh out, finding both their circumstances quite amusing. she was sure a similar situation would have unfolded if she had decided to regularly see the date that she ditched.

“online dating man, it sucks, am i right?” it had quite the reputation, for the two of them especially. “maybe we should just date each other.” she joked, though she was being partially serious. it felt right, they had bumped randomly into one another’s faulted situations on the same day, it almost felt like fate, though that subject was too cheesy to say aloud.

“well doctor lewis, i would not at all mind going on a date with you.” darcy frowned at the title that she had been called, pointing at the side of the woman’s jacket, that had a recyclable label stuck upon the material. “so you majored in science, if i am correct?” finally, someone got it! she could get used to that.

y/n did not appear as a deity nor a creature from another realm, she was normal. or so as far as the eye could tell, in fact, she did not suspect a thing from this woman, much less to be a defender of the earth that worked in a small and less know league than the avengers, yet still roamed the us to protect its people.

darcy though had won this battle for her though, giving her a moment of peace from fighting, and had idly sent durkus on his route far away. y/n could get used to not being the hero all the time, more so if this doctor was her knight in shining armour.

[the-dragongirl]

Hello tumblr. I have returned from a long period of inactivity, because I must bring the good word to the corner of the Star Wars fandom that used to be my main fannish home: there is a new era of Star Wars canon that was made just for our taste. It is called the High Republic.

WHAT IS THE HIGH REPUBLIC?

The High Republic is an giant multi-media project being carried out by the Lucasfilm story group to create a brand new era of Star Wars canon. It is set a few hundred years before the prequel era (so, a long time after the Old Republic era), in a period of peace and stability within the Republic. It currently includes several English language adult novels, a YA novel, two serialized comics, a manga, some short stories, and some short video blurbs published on facebook and youtube. A TV show for Disney+ has also been announced, but is a few years off. This project is unique in Star Wars, in that all of the different parts are being written together by one writing team, and are coordinated to tell a cohesive story. Also, what has been announced is just the beginning – they have stated that there will be three different sections of the High Republic, and everything we have had announced so far is just part one. As a note: this is an era for which there was NO pre-existing canon in Legends, so it is totally new territory.

OKAY, THAT’S NICE, BUT WHY SHOULD I BOTHER TO CHECK IT OUT?

There are SO many reasons why the High Republic is worth your time to explore. I will try to outline some of them here below the cut (without any significant spoilers).

IT IS A LOVE LETTER TO THE JEDI

This is the era for everyone who loves the Jedi and wants to understand how they got to the point they did in the prequel era. It shows Jedi at their best: saving people, working together, being completely in tune with the Force (in so many beautiful and original ways), demonstrating creativity and flexibility and being rewarded for it, actually thinking through the ethics of things like the mind trick, and DEALING with their emotions rather than repressing them. It shows us how the rigid Jedi culture was saw in the prequels was a corruption of something that was originally healthy and uplifting. Jedi in this era are allowed to be flawed, and to grow, and have a community that supports them in doing so. This is the Jedi culture so many of us created as fix it fic for the prequel era, but made canon.

IT IS AN ERA OF HOPE

There are some serious problems in the High Republic Era. Without spoilers, the era opens with a terrible humanitarian crisis, laid over the Republic equivalent of the New Deal from US history.  We see a lot of examples of people doing their best to be good to each other, and working for a more just and kind galaxy. They acknowledge that things are not perfect, but people from many different backgrounds (Jedi, politicians, farmers, pilots, business people) work together to try and make things better. I don’t know about you all, but with the darkness we see in the world today, I NEED some of that optimism in my escapist media. The High Republic provides that.

IT WILL GIVE YOU FEELINGS

The existing material so far is structured to really let you emotionally invest in the characters and their struggles. Unlike with many eras of Star Wars canon, characterization is not sacrificed for the sake of plot (though never fear, there is PLENTY of plot). That means there is huge scope for empathy. I’m not going to lie; I cried within the first three chapters of Light of the Jedi, as did several other people I know. It is POIGNANT in a way that feels truly genuine.

IT IS FUN

The writing team understands that, in the end, Star Wars is space fantasy. If your space fantasy is nothing but serious, gritty grimdark, it becomes pretentious and unbearable. So, for all that there is some heavy content in the High Republic (VERY heavy content – the Nihil should really have their own content warning), it has many moments of levity that keep it from taking itself too seriously. For example, the High Republic made Jedi bodice rippers canon. Also, characters like Geode exist (yes, that rock there is a CHARACTER). The result is something which honors the spirit of Star Wars, and keeps you engaged without being tedious or ridiculously depressing.

THE WRITING TEAM HAS DIVERSE PERSPECTIVES

The main writing team consists of five people: Justina Ireland, Claudia Gray, Charles Soule, Daniel José Older, and Cavan Scott. You will note that includes two people of color, two women, and one out Queer person (in fact, one of the writers is all three of those things). This is a far cry from the white-cis-straight-man-dominated writing teams we have seen in the past. And when they bring in other people to the project, they make a point of looking for perspectives that aren’t represented on their team – for example, the manga is being co-written between Justina Ireland and Japanese writer Shima Shinya, and Ireland has stated in interviews that Shinya is taking the lead on the writing.

IT VALUES MEANINGFUL REPRESENTATION

That diverse writing team means a cast that looks WAY more like the real world than any other era of Star Wars we’ve seen, in terms of representation. There are multiple characters of color, who are both heroes and central to the story. There are at least five canonical queer characters to date (a MLM couple, an Ace character, and two NB character).  [EDIT: Thank you @legok9​ for letting me know about the NB characters]. Among binary gendered characters, there is a very even balance of men and women. The writing team has also stated that they will be incorporating more representation of disability in the works to come. And the story is so much better for it – representation is included here BECAUSE it makes for more creative, believable, and original storytelling.

IT IS ACCESSIBLE

Because of the multiple formats, and the fact that it doesn’t rely on you knowing any prior lore, the High Republic offers many avenues to engage for people with all kinds of needs. Know nothing about Star Wars canon and feel intimidated about catching up? The canon is all new in this era anyway, so you’re fine. Can’t handle flashing lights? No problem – the little bit of video content that exists is totally free from the strobing effects that caused seizure and sensory issues. Need purely audio content? You can still have a full experience of the High Republic with the gorgeously sound-scaped audiobooks. Don’t have the attention span for books or long movies? Then the comics are your friend.

THERE IS SOMETHING FOR ALL

Between the books aimed towards adults and teens (and their respective audiobooks), the kids books, the comics, the manga, the short stories, AND the eventual TV show on Disney+, there is going to be content in the High Republic that suits most audiences. And that is just what has been announced so far – there is still more to come for phases II and III. This isn’t Star Wars written towards one group or demographic – it is Star Wars for everyone.

DID I MENTION THE FANCY JEDI UNIFORMS?

Because cosplayers and fanartists? This is the era for you. We are getting Jedi in silks with elaborate gold embroidery. Jedi with jewelry other decorative elements. Even the practical field uniforms have tooled and embossed leather. If you want to draw or make Jedi that have some of that that sweet LoTR-esque high fantasy aesthetic, the High Republic has your back. (Not going to lie – I am ALREADY imagining the time travel AUs. Put Obi-Wan in fancy clothes!)

OKAY, YOU’VE SOLD ME. WHERE SHOULD I START?

I strongly recommend everyone looking to get into the High Republic (who is old enough to be on Tumblr) start with Light of the Jedi by Charles Soule. I alternated between the physical book and the audio book, and found it delightful in both formats. After that, you have a lot of options. You can read or listen to the audio book of the YA novel A Test of Courage by Justina Ireland. You can check out the currently running Star Wars: The High Republic comic from Marvel, or the Star Wars: The High Republic Adventures comic from IDW. Or you can skip straight to Into the Dark by Claudia Gray. Honestly, there is no wrong order to try out most of the High Republic.

IN CONLUSION

The High Republic is Star Wars written for people who DON’T want Star Wars to be a good ‘ol boys club for salty white dudes who don’t want to see anything but more of Luke Skywalker. It offers broad representation, and optimistic narrative, and whole bunch of awesome Jedi content. If you are someone who fell in love with Jedi in the prequel era, the High Republic will give you more of what you loved. And if you are totally new to Star Wars? The High Republic is here for you too.

So, go check it. And then go write fic for it (please, there are only, like, 14 fics on AO3, I am dying).

[ratonnhhaketon]

Still Breathing

Read on Ao3 | Next Chapter

Summary: Six months after the defeat of Thanos, the world is still in chaos. The threat of the Flag Smashers combined with the new headstrong Captain America means it's time for Valencia Zicari to help save the world one more time. But, in doing so, she also has to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship.

Warnings: Major TFATWS spoilers, Swearing, Angst, Fluff, Slow-Burn, John Walker (just in general)

A/N: HHH, new fic time! TFATWS has been consuming my brain these past few weeks and it was only a matter of time before I made another oc and wrote for Bucky. I’ve had this in the works since the first episode but I’m super excited to finally be ready to start posting! This fic will be relatively short but I do also plan on doing a prequel fic eventually to further flush out my marvel oc, Valencia Zicari. I apologize that this starts off kinda slow, with just two phone calls at the beginning, but it will pick up a lot in the upcoming chapters. In the meantime if you have any questions or comments about the fic or Val’s story, don’t hesitate to send them my way! Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1 - Your Number On Speed Dial

Bucky’s eyes shot open, his throat closing and lungs gasping for air. He felt the sweat covering his body, the thin blanket tangled between his legs. The cool metal of his dog tags swung against his chest as he sat up, chest heaving as he sucked in breaths and tried to regain his breathing. He looked around his surroundings, slowly calming down as he noticed he was in his apartment. 

Another goddamn nightmare. 

Realizing he was alone, Bucky instinctively reached up onto the chair next to him for his cellphone. He flipped open the phone, eyes squinting to adjust to the light of the small screen in front of him. He noticed the time, 3:08 am. While he knew that she would more than likely still be up and wouldn’t mind talking, he felt guilty for instinctively reaching out for her this late. Still, he let his hand press accept and after only two rings he heard her familiar voice pick up. 

“Hi Buck,” she said with a smile, exhaustion evident in her voice.

“Hi,” he replied with a hoarse voice, sleep still clinging to his vocal chords. “Shouldn’t you be asleep?” 

“I could ask you the same question,” she said with a small laugh. “But, yeah. Probably. I’ve been working my ass off trying to get in contact with Fury and nothing is working.”

“Not even through the SHIELD lines?”

She sighed, a hand coming up to rub at her temples. “I’ve tried, but he’s ‘on vacation’ and is only taking messages if they’re life or death.” 

“I mean, shouldn’t he be able to make an exception for you? Given, y’know..”

“Unfortunately I lost the ‘you’re my adoptive daughter’ privilege when I decided to grow up and join the Avengers.” Bucky chuckled in response, his nightmare finally starting to fade from the back of his mind. “I’m just.. worried about Wanda. The whole situation still isn’t sitting right with me, especially since any information has been classified and no one at all can access it.”

“Val,” Bucky said quietly, his metal hand coming up to rub against the chain hanging around his neck. “When was the last time you took a break?” 

He heard an audible sigh over the phone and a pause before she spoke up. “Not since half of the world disappeared.” 

“Well, how about this. Thursday, you finally put all of that aside for a few hours and we can grab lunch. I’ll buy.” 

She thought it over for a moment, Bucky’s breath hitching in his throat in the few seconds it took before she spoke up. “Yeah, that sounds nice. We can go to that sushi place you used to take me to.” 

“Sounds perfect, doll. I’ll see you then. Now go get some rest.” 

“You too, old man.” 

~~~~~

Valencia stood in the common room of the compound, a scowl present on her face as she watched the tv. John Walker’s Good Morning America interview was playing at a low volume. She hadn’t even met the man yet and already hated him. Partly because of how he talked about Steve without knowing the first thing about him, and partly because every journalist in the state of New York had been contacting her in an attempt to interview her about the new Captain America. Pulling her eyes away from the screen, she noticed her phone vibrating to announce an incoming call. She answered, a smile tugging at her lips for the first time in the past day. “Hey Bucky.”

“Hi,” he said shortly. She could feel the anger in his voice. “Have you seen the news?”

“Absolutely,” she replied, her scowl returning to her face. “Everyone has been bothering me about it for the past day. I had to tell Pepper that if one more reporter asked to take a statement from me I’d throw someone out of a window.”

“Jeez. Little harsh, don’t ya think?” 

“Probably,” she said with a small laugh. 

“Hey, have you talked to Sam recently?”

“Yeah, I was just talking to him earlier before you called. He was telling me about having to go to Munich today, something about the Flag Smashers? I don’t know, he didn’t really give me a lot of information.” 

“No, that's great. Thanks, doll. See you Thursday.” 

“Alright, Buck. See you then.” 

~~~~~

Any normal person would be astonished by the amount of trouble one person could get into in the span of 18 hours. But, in terms of being an Avenger, it’s just a normal Wednesday. Especially when it’s Sam and Bucky’s fault. But, Valencia still found a way to be freaking out when Pepper rushed into her room, shoving a phone into her face to announce that Bucky had a warrant out for his arrest. And had subsequently ended up in a Baltimore jail. 

In under an hour she had flown down to the city and found the facility Bucky was being held in. She pulled open the door to the jail, eyes quickly scanning the crowd of people before landing on Bucky’s literal partner in crime. 

She made a beeline straight for the dark haired man. “You want to explain to me what’s going on here, Sam Wilson?” Eyes narrowed, lips pulled into a tight line.

Upon seeing her he pushed himself out of his chair. “Val! How ya’ been? You been doing okay?”

“Oh cut the shit, Sam. You better have a good explanation for why I found out that Bucky not only had a warrant out for his arrest, but then ended up in a Baltimore jail leaving me to haul ass down here to figure out what in the hell is happening.” 

“First, I need you to calm down. Promise me you won’t freak out?” 

She glared at him. “Are you-” 

“Val,” he said in a stern tone. 

She let out a huff before nodding. “Alright, fine. I’m calm.”

“He helped me with that mission in Munich I told you about and then wanted to introduce me to someone in Baltimore. And he may have missed his therapy appointment in the process.”

“He missed-!” Val immediately yelled out, voice louder than anticipated, which drew the attention of the people around them. Sam put an arm around her shoulder and led the two of them over towards an unoccupied side of the room. “Sam, are you serious? He’s been doing so well! He put in so much effort to make sure he made the appointments and you let him go with you?”

“First of all, I told him repeatedly that I didn’t want him coming, but you know how stubborn he is.”

She let out a defeated sigh and dropped her hands to her sides. “So what do we do now?” 

“Well lucky for you they’re actually releasing him.” 

Before Val could reply she was cut off by the sound of heels clicking before a familiar voice spoke near them. “Sam. I’ve heard a lot about you.” She reached out to shake his hand. “I’m Dr. Raynor. I’m James’s therapist. It’s good to see you again, Valencia.” 

Val gave her a smile. “Good to see you too, doc.”

“So nice to meet you. You two already know each other?”

“I took Bucky to the first few of his appointments to make sure that he would, y’know, actually go. But that was before..” she waved a hand in the air, “everything.” 

Sam nodded. “Well thank you, Dr. Raynor, for getting him out.”

���Oh, that wasn’t me.” 

From across the room a booming voice spoke up, instantly grabbing their attention. “Christina!” The three of them all turned in unison and were met with none other than the new Captain America himself, taking pictures with a bunch of fans. “It’s great to see you again.” 

“You’ve got to be kidding me. You know him?” Sam spoke up with a frustrated sigh. 

“Yeah, we did some field ops back in the day.” 

“I heard you were working with Bucky, so I thought I’d step in.” Val watched as he approached the group, her arms instinctively crossing over her chest. “Miss Zicari, it’s nice to finally meet you. I’ve been trying to reach out for a formal introduction for several days now.”

“It’s Agent, actually. And unlike you I’ve had a lot of other pressing matters that required my attention.” 

“Right. Well, anyway. Bucky’s not gonna be following a strict schedule any longer.”

“What?”

“We haven’t finished our work. Who authorized this?”

“Um,” John used both hands to gesture up towards himself. “He’s too valuable of an asset to have tied up.” 

Val’s attention went from John to the sound of a metal door closing behind her. Her head turned towards the sound and she was met with none other than a familiar set of blue eyes side-eyeing the blonde man in front of her. She felt the corner of her mouth turn up in a half-smile as his head turned and saw hers. Almost instantly the token frown he wore at all times faded and turned into his own partial smile. She walked over to him, her arms finding their way around his neck subconsciously. “Hey, Buck,” she breathed as his arms wove around her middle, pulling their bodies flush together. 

“Hey to you too,” he said with a small laugh. “Pepper finally let you leave the compound?” 

She pulled away to look at him. “Less her letting me leave and more so her immediately getting me a flight and shoving me out the door when she found out you got arrested.”

“Alright lovebirds, break it up.” Dr. Raynor said from behind them. Val’s arms dropped to her side and before she had the chance to correct her, the woman spoke up again. “James, condition of your release, session now.” Bucky let out an audible groan, rolling his eyes slightly, to which Val couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle. “You too, Sam.”

“That’s okay, I’ll be out here with Val.”

“That wasn’t a request.” 

She pulled her phone from the pocket of her leather jacket and noticed an incoming call. “Just go, I’ll be outside. I gotta take this anyway.” Val walked outside of the jailhouse, sliding a thumb across the screen to answer the call in the process. She partially paid attention to what Pepper was telling her as the new Captain America walked past her, obviously checking her out with a side-eye as she leaned against the chipped bricks. Her eyes narrowed at him as he turned to steal another glance her way before turning her eyes away and down the opposite side of the road. 

“Yeah, he’s okay… no, I don’t know the specifics of how it works out with the pardon... I’ll keep you updated, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be back any time soon. I kinda feel like I’ll be joining the idiots on whatever they plan on doing next… Alright, I will. Keep me updated on the whole Westview situation and tell Morgan to stop stealing the snacks from my room. Oh, haha. Take care, Pepper.”  

As she hung up the phone she saw the door next to her swing open with a visibly angry Sam walking out of it. Bucky trudged out a few seconds later, looking angry but more upset than the man in front of him. As the door started to close behind him he saw Val and walked over to her.

“Do you think Steve was wrong about me?” She could tell he was fighting back tears by the way his voice cracked at the end.

Her hands cupped his face. “Bucky, no, absolutely not. Why would you say that?”

He looked away, not able to look her in the eye. After all the nights they spent together, her talking him down from a nightmare, reassuring him and chasing the negative thoughts away, he couldn’t admit that part of him still felt that same way. “It.. doesn’t matter.”

“If it’s making you this upset, then yes it does.” 

He let out a huff as her thumb began to lightly rub against the stubble on his cheek. “Sam shouldn’t have given up the shield.” 

“I know, Buck, I know. But there’s nothing we can do now, so let’s just try to figure out what’s happening with..” she lifted a hand from his face and used it to make vague gestures around them. “Everything right now.” 

The loud siren from a police cruiser halted their conversation, the sound making Val physically jump. She looked towards the source of the sound and scowled. This asshole again. “Gentlemen,” John’s eyes scanned Val’s figure quickly before adding, “and lady. Good to see you again.” Begrudgingly, she followed Sam and Bucky’s lead and walked towards the blonde haired man and his sidekick. “Look, if we divide ourselves we don’t stand a chance, you guys know that.” 

Sam crossed his arms over his chest. “So what do you got?”

“Should she be hearing this?” John gestured to Val. 

She scoffed. “I’m on board now, so out with it.” 

“Alright. Well the leader’s name is Karli Morgenthau. We’ve been targeting civilians that have been helping Karli move from place to place. They geotagged a location, then scrambled the signal. But our satellites have found their symbol popping up in various displaced communities all across Central and Eastern Europe. We think that she's taking the medicine she just stole to one of these camps.”

“Well there’s been hundreds of those put up across the planet since The Blip,” Valencia interjected. “So I guess you’ll have to look real hard.”

“Good thing I have 20/20 vision, huh?” John shot back, annoyance prevalent in his voice.

“Where is she now, Walker? Do you know?” Bucky spoke up, patience quickly being stretched thin.

“No, we don’t know, Bucky,” Walker’s voice rose dramatically. “It’s only a matter of time before we find out.” 

Bucky cocked his head to the side, eyes narrowing at the man in front of him. “Things are really tense for you, aren’t they Walker?” Val rested a gentle hand against Bucky’s chest, holding him back as a reminder not to do anything irrational- although she definitely wanted him to. 

Sam approached the super soldier, putting a hand in the air to further make him back off. “Take it easy. Look, Walker’s right. It is imperative that we find them and stop them. But you guys have rules of engagement and all kinds of authorizations you have to get. We're free agents. We're more.. flexible. So it wouldn't make sense for us to work with you.” 

The trio started to walk off before Walker stood up from the cruiser and spoke. “A word of advice, then.” The three of them turned to look at him once again. “Stay the hell out of my way.” 

Knowing that it wasn’t worth it to get a final word in, Sam put a hand on either of their shoulders and pushed them to keep walking away. Once they were a reasonable distance down the street, Val turned to Bucky and noticed he was deep in thought. “What’s on your mind, Buck?” she asked with a hand coming up to rest on his shoulder. 

“Well, I know what we have to do. When Isaiah said “my people”...” he trailed off, still staring ahead. 

“Oh, don’t take that to heart. That’s not what he meant-” Sam tried to correct him before Bucky cut him off. 

“No, he meant HYDRA.” He paused for a moment, feet coming to a stop as he looked between the pair next to him. “HYDRA used to be my people.” 

“Bucky,” Val spoke up cautiously.”

Sam scoffed. “Not a chance.” 

“Walker doesn’t have any leads.” 

“I know where you’re going with this, no.”

“He knows all of HYDRA’s secrets. Don’t you remember Siberia.” 

“Oh, you cannot be serious,” Val said as she dragged a tired hand over her face. 

“So you’re just gonna sit in a room with this guy?” 

Bucky hesitated for a moment, obviously not thinking about his idea that much ahead of time. “Y-yes.” 

Val sighed, shaking her head slightly. “Out of all your ideas, this has got to be the dumbest.” She looked at Sam, who shrugged his shoulders and nodded. “Fine. Let’s go see Zemo.”

[atinybitofau]

S A N ⇨ mafia au

THE ONE WHERE SAN = SMILEY SATAN

part two

• he watches you.

• and he’s thinking to himself.

• fuck, this dumbass chick really had to be at the right place at the right time.

• he was the most wanted hitman in South Korea

• the most skilled hitman belonging to none other than the top class mafia group ATZ.

• he was trying to fill up his empty schedule that’s all.

• wanted to kill some low life useless fuckers for fun and extra money— why not.

• he never gave a single shit to care about meaningless souls like society’s proper.

• he’s the greatest hitman to ever live?

• why should he care.

• never spent more than 10 seconds looking at a face pretty or not.

• his tongue pokes at his cheek, leg bouncing underneath the tripod of his sniper in impatience before he lets out an exasperated groan.

• “Fucking bitch better move out of my way or I’ll blow her brains out too.” he mutters under his breath.

• he was losing too much oppurtunity.

• “5 seconds, San. Take the shot.”

• “I’m fucking trying! There’s some bimbo in my line of fire and I am not going to waste my time cleaning up her mess.”

• he sighs, finger hovering the trigger counting down from five.

• that is—

• till he stops at three as soon as you turn around.

• you’re gorgeous, he thinks.

• like no one other.

• his eyes narrow and his mouth waters at your beauty.

• special and nothing he’s ever laid eyes on before.

• satan’s gift to him after hard years of working for his ass.

• san’s lips part and he has to look out of the scope for better landscape.

• you smile and he’s shot down.

• he forgets for the last three seconds what he was supposed to be doing.

• “You dumbass. We missed the mark. Now we gotta wait two more hours. You better hope you can sit your cocky ass down for it all cause you are not taking your eyes off that scope, San.”

• with pleasure, he wants to reply to his boss but his finger grazes his lips instead of the trigger reveling on you.

• yeah he didn’t mind.

• fuck yeah he didn’t mind.

• not when you’re on the other side of the scope for him to drool over.

• it bogs him why you were working at that piece of garbage establishment and how he could slither you up his sleeve before he leaves.

• he sits back in his chair, watching you more than his target at this point.

• “San, are you paying attention this time?”

• he hears Hongjoong but he’s more intent on watching you then listening.

• you had curves for days and he couldn’t wait to get his blood stained hands on them.

• “10 seconds.”

• “San.”

• “4 seconds.”

• he packs his sniper, pulling out a small pistol from his weapon bag, strapping on a vest under his business suit.

• “What the fuck are you doing, you idiot?”

• “Gonna get the girl.”

• “SAN IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL—“

• he pulls out his in ear out before his boss could finish and practically runs to the building across.

• he has to get you.

• he won’t be able to think straight.

• wont be able to work straight without knowing he’d see your face every night he comes home.

• won’t kill anyone until he gets his reward.

• “Sir, I’m sorry but you can’t go in there.”

• San doesn’t like to wonder at a pretty face twice.

• at least one that’s not yours.

• he shoots the poor receptionist point blank and half the building with just a little pistol between his fingers.

• not knowing he got the target down in the process.

• but then he see’s you, the lone survivor.

• scared shitless behind your desk with wide eyes and trembling lips.

• “Hi.” he manages to say from his salivating mouth.

• so that’s what people’s faces look like, he thinks. two eyes, one pair of lips just like his.

• he’s never looked at another person for this long before.

• he’s thinking you’re the only person he’ll ever look at for that long. the only person he’ll ever give it worth.

• “Um, hi.”

• you kind of think he’s nice..

• for smiling at you before killing you.

• you think he has a nice smile for a psychopath.

• and that you might not want to haunt him later for killing everyone you hated in a span of 2 minutes.

• “You’re very pretty.”

• you let out a faint laugh of disbelief.

• there’s blood on his cheek, a smoking gun in his hand, and a heart okay with killing innocent lives.

• but he has the time to call you pretty instead of put a bullet through your skull?

• “I’m San.”

• “Y-Y/n.” you mumble tripping over your feet. “Ow. Sorry I’m y/n.”

• he smiles again this time teeth in full view.

• he may be a bad bad criminal but

• he’s got the most sweetest smile in the world.

• “Sorry for killing all your friends, sweetheart.”

• you blink shaking your head at the assassin. “S’okay. They’re not my friends.”

• “I’m glad. They were chumps anyway.” the corner of his lip curls up. “You got a family, y/n? Actual friends?”

• he approaches you.

• you take a step back not knowing what his intentions are.

• his gun seemed noncompliant by his side and you suddenly feel like he’s not trying to threaten you.

• quite the contrary actually.

• you have a weird feeling that maybe this charming assassin was trying to impress you.

• “My family.. my family don’t care what I do. My friends are just people I talk to every now and then.”

• in other words, you had nobody.

• but in no means were you trying to make a good impression.

• you just didn’t want to get killed.

• “I’m gonna give you two choices.”

• “Okay.” you were very obedient and it showed with your answer.

• you weren’t the type of girl who overstepped boundaries.

• he liked that.

• a little too much.

• “You’re either going to come home with me like a good girl— a very nice pretty girl I must add and stay with me until I die,”

• you swallow because you don’t necessarily see a way out.

• “Or I could just shoot you and leave you here with the rest of these dead useless no good rotten excuses for human bodies.”

• let’s see.

• spend your entire life damned to a hot psychopath killer who obviously thinks of you as the prettiest thing on the planet.

• OR

• die with a bunch of losers at a piece of garbage establishment where you never really belonged in the first place.

• “You.”

• now he feels like a twisted version of prince charming.

• he gets to run away with the girl.

• “I think you have the prettiest eyes.” he says as he rushes to you to hold your hand. “The prettiest smile.”

• he reminds you of a lovesick puppy when he looks at you.

• “You don’t talk to a lot of people do you, San?”

• he’s sweet to you.

• it bogs your mind how this sweet little bean was actually a heartless sociopath.

• “No.” he answered you proudly.

• you breath a soft chuckle and he thinks it’s the most precious thing in the world.

• if something were ever able to kill him, it’d definitely be you.

• “You’re gonna love me.” he says rubbing at the back of your hand, eyes dawned in obsession. “And I’m gonna love the shit out of you too. Is that okay, sweetheart? Are you okay with that?”

• “Y-yes.” you’re flattered and a little bit terrified. “Yeah, yeah that’s okay.”

• it’s not like you have a choice.

• his smile almost makes you convinced he’s not actually a cold blooded killer.

• anyone who would’ve saved you from that crap life of yours?

• you probably woulda loved anyway.

• but you definitely weren’t complaining that it was Choi San that ended up saving you.

• he’s just an assassin by day and your boyfriend by night.

• who knew the devil could be so sweet?

@atinybitofau

[ace-of-haerts]

I posted 4,776 times in 2021

24 posts created (1%)

4752 posts reblogged (99%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 198.0 posts.

I added 424 tags in 2021

#gremlin (affectionate) - 111 posts

#personal - 96 posts

#fic rec - 45 posts

#yesh dude - 36 posts

#important - 33 posts

#my boys - 25 posts

#lex buddy - 23 posts

#fic - 22 posts

#eat the food - 19 posts

#here you go gremlin - 14 posts

Longest Tag: 113 characters

#i will marry her and marry you in your future if i don't know her name is a little more then she is the only one.

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

I know you reblogged my tumblr mutual home address thing with “ffs yesh” and “bad” but now I’m tempted to give you my home address just for the meme

I will stab you I swear to god

@chaosgremlin9

Come collect your human

8 notes • Posted 2021-07-10 19:27:26 GMT

#4

I will bite you. As revenge.

No biting. Bad baby

8 notes • Posted 2021-07-27 05:18:03 GMT

#3

Thanks @rockmarina !!

Catch Up Tag

How was your day?

It was alright. Had a few aches and pains, but I went into town and got fancy drinks so it ended well!

What's keeping you entertained these days?

Definitely my cat, Discord, and a bunch of true crime videos on YouTube. And whatever the fuck Supernatural has going on.

If you're in some kind of quarantine/self isolation, is there anything you'd like to achieve in this time?

Not in quarantine, but it is summer break so I'm hoping to get a bunch of work done.

Post a selfie! (if you're comfortable with that)

Have one of my 30 saved picrews instead!

See the full post

9 notes • Posted 2021-07-03 01:05:22 GMT

#2

Imagine an elf is given a job to do at a human institution. The humans think elves don’t need bathroom breaks, since they know they can hold it for days, but this elf has been traveling to reach their job, and has already been holding it to the point they are in pain. They ask for a break, but their job is important and time sensitive, so they admit they can still hold it when asked. After a full day of work, the elf tries to reach the bathroom in time, but they were never told where it is.

Whichever one you this is, what did I do to deserve this.?

12 notes • Posted 2021-07-04 19:45:10 GMT

#1

About Me

Name: Antóin (Ant-o-in) Age: 18 AO3: unlucky_god (bookmarks and recs) Pronouns: he/him Fandoms: Drarry (Heavily fanon, rare to none canon), Sk8, 9-1-1 (Mostly Buddie), and anything I find interesting, I have a small attention span Sexuality: Pansexual

Tagging system: I'm not the greatest at tagging, I only mainly picked up the habit in the last couple months so. All tags listed are frequently used and is updated when needed. Green= resource tags Orange = untriggering Yellow = potentially triggering

#gremlin (affectionate) #yesh dude #lex buddy are my tags where I interact with my buddies Rain @illogicalthinking Lex @chaosgremlin9 Yesh @littlecatsnotkids There's a lot of back and forth here, so no offence taken if you blacklist this or any of the ones below

#my boys #and their son! #buckley siblings or bust #number one dad and son duo #9-1-1 family dynamics #9-1-1 misc. are my Buddie (Buck x Eddie) posts, Buddie & Christopher, Maddie and Buck, Buck & Bobby, 9-1-1 family dynamics, 9-1-1 misc. and other assorted 9-1-1 tags.

#important resources (writers guides, art guides, life hacks, lgbtq resources, chronic illness and disability resources, etc)

#lucky's friends random cat videos and pictures I find to show my cat later

#EAT THE FOOD posts that mention food. this is a newer tag so beware if you're doing a deep dive and have food issues as they aren't all tagged correctly

#prattles by ant tag games, asks, etc.

Please feel free to reach out to me if you feel like my posts need a certain tag. I am always open to advice and actually could use the help.

And as Rain so eloquently put it, DNI if you: If you are an exclusionist of any kind (I.e ace phobic or panphobic), racist, abusive, xenophobic, sexist or anything like that, fuck off you are not welcome on my blog

20 notes • Posted 2021-07-25 10:22:30 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[autismisaokay]

As a fair warning this post is a time where I break my NSFW rule because it has to do about my body and health. So as a warning I will be talking about some heavy stuff.

I wasn’t sure when there was going to be a good time to really bring this up. A while back I brought up that I was doing research on trans man. Lately I’ve also been reblogging some trans support and resources. I just got a question asking if I was trans and the answer is, yes I’m a man. More specifically I’m a trans man.

Honestly this whole process has been just that a process and it’s no where near from being done. I’ve been terrified to bring this up for multiple reasons that I can’t even list all here. I was going to wait until I was on T before I started to really choose. However my insurance won’t pay for my HRT until I have a psych eval and I’ve been living as a man (again without T) for 12 months. An people have really started to pick it up irl and it was only a matter of time until people started to figure it out here.

This hasn’t been fun for me and I had to come out twice in the span of three days to my mother. Who says she will not respect my pronouns or my name until I’ve gotten them legally changed and gotten the psych eval. (The fact I also need to do a psych eval in the first place is really degrading to me) She also told me that since I never played with trucks as a kid or didn’t show signs to her that I can’t be trans. She would have accepted me if I had shown the signs early on and she knows trans people and I can’t be one. I tried telling her I was scared and I hid it. She also told me that my grandmother knows and my grandmother asks that I, “Please wait until she dies.” To transition or else this will be the thing that kills her and she doesn’t have long left anyway. My grandmother was my first best friend in the world and I thought would be until the day she died and the family member I was closest to. I’ve also been told by my mother that I’m being selfish and that the rest of my family wouldn’t accept this. Which I told her I understood.

My mom thinks I’m doing this for attention, I got caught up in one of my “phases”, and because it’s a “internet trend.” When I told her this is who I am she said that, “this is who I am” is the buzzword for the trans internet right now and to try again and give her another reason other than that. She also believes being trans is a trend right now. Which is another reason why I was scared to come out here. I know a lot of people are transitioning here and I was horrified of looking like I was doing this for attention or trying to take attention away.

She wants me to go to my endo appointment and an eval and she says she’ll only accept this unless they do because “she has to” at that point. She doesn’t want to do any of this and in order for me to get any respect I have to hold her hand. I understand she’s grieving a child but I feel like my whole family just died and she kinda confirmed they did, metaphorically.

This is my coming out letter I wrote that I got to read the second time I came out that I couldn’t read to her the first time. I think it will help explain what I’ve been going through.

“I’ve been receiving a variety of questions on my appearance and mental health from multiple people. “Why did you change things up?” Or, “What’s been going on with me?” Lately I have had a lot of time to consider seriously what I’ve wanted out of life as well as my identity as a whole. What could make and, in many ways, would make me the happiest. To put it bluntly, I figured out I’m a man. I ask that you please save all questions or comments until the end of what I have said, thank you.

There was this over looming anxiety I couldn’t quite put together throughout the process of figuring this out. There was this “entity” we will call it, I had always put to the side or hid for years. Because in the end I didn’t even really have a discernible answer for it. And if I could keep pushing this to the side, it must not be that big of a deal or even affect me that badly. I would always find, or was, in some sort of distraction to keep from digging any deeper into my identity then I was ready for.

When I discovered I’m autistic for the first time for a while it seemed to solve many of my questions, and I was able to put things to bed for a while. Until those self-reflective questions, feelings, and thoughts on who I am woke up in a panicked scream again a couple of years later. Yet I still tried metaphorically placing a pillow over its head to try and force it all “back to bed.” I repeated this cycle again and again, and each time events in my life would cause those questions and feelings to resurface. Becoming worse and worse each time, until I finally had to sit down and face this.

What are these questions though you are probably asking yourself at this point? They are as follows in no order that I’ve asked myself throughout my life, and yes some even in childhood. Why have I always been so self-conscious about my image? Why did my body feel so disgusting and wrong other than inability to love myself? Why did I feel like I had too much of some parts and too little of others? Why was I angry that my voice would not get any deeper? Why did I imagine myself wearing suits but was too scared to do and say so and pushed it aside? Why did the way I pee not feel right? Why when I drew myself as a boy growing up did it feel so good but so bad enough to hide it? Why did I secretly go on boy’s puberty sites as a teenager and feel like it was a game of connecting the dots when anything matched with the boys? Why were the dreams I had as a boy feel so natural?

It all came to one answer, I am a man.

To be honest, I didn’t understand any of this fully or was able to come to terms with this up until the end of March of this year. I had always been trying to do the best with what I was given, in fact I wanted to. Somethings that are perceived as “girly” by certain people I even enjoy which made things doubly confusing.  I thought I was just over blowing things and that for a while being autistic seemed to explain many things, but not everything. Or that I had penis envy, or I didn’t think highly enough of girls and that made me bad. More than anything I was afraid to come to these realizations in fear of what people would think or what would happen. Or that it would be dismissed away, which really scared me. To figure out something as immense as this and not be able to maybe finally be more comfortable and know myself better. That terrified me.

Due to the misunderstandings of trans individuals I feared I would be thought of as a pervert. I even came to think that I was one for being this way. I feared being thought of as incompetent to decide this for myself due to being autistic. A pulsating fiery raging scream stayed buried deep in the pit of my stomach from these thoughts.I started to experiment, to be more certain of coming to terms with this.

I did research and made things like a starter packer. Which are socks bunched together to make a bulge shape like a penis and testes to wear. This gave me enough euphoria to know I wanted more. So, I bought myself a packer (a silicone prosthetic) and something called a STP (Stand To Pee device).  Which gave me so much euphoria I cried the first time I used my STP because it felt so right. At that time, I was speaking with Julia (therapist) to help sort me through this journey since around late March early April. I went on to buy men’s pants and undergarments and cut off all my hair and bought a binder. (Safely compresses my breasts) In addition, I also chose my name and came out to some friends who accepted me and used my correct pronouns. With Julia’s aid she also advised me the biggest thing I could do right now is speak with the community. So, I did and since then I’ve found an online support group and a local support group that I’ve been going to meetings for. It’s helped me place myself and instead of feeling like I didn’t belong I felt like things made more sense in many regards.

I still have many other fears and adversities I will continue to face while living as my true self. One of the things that has really challenged me is that I feel like my words do not have any bearing anymore advocating for autistic people who identify as girls. Now that I’m coming out as a man. As much as I know I’m a man I feel like I’m a bad person for identifying this way since there’s so much stuff out there saying that men are toxic, trash, and unfeeling. And I’m trying to learn how to best be a good and responsible man in this world.

The real me has always been out there and I’d like to be able to live my life the way I was meant to. As a man and on my way to medically transitioning. I am saying all of this because I care, and I want to be able to finally get this out of my system and help elevate this confusion to the best of my ability.

My name is Ren Jason P***, I’m your son, big brother, grandson, friend, colleague, classmate, autistic advocate, and fellow human being. Please don’t turn away the little boy and man, who shouldn’t be dictated by a body he didn’t ask for. 

As Princess BubbleGum says:

“People get built different.”

“We don’t need to figure it out. We just need to respect it.” “

[momentofmemory]

FICTOBER 2020 - day twenty-five

Prompt #25: “Sometimes you can even see.”

Fandom: The Old Guard

Characters: Nile Freeman, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani

Words: 1937

Author’s Note: In the aftermath of a rough mission and all the philosophical questions it entails, Joe takes Nile to the Aarhus Art Museum in Denmark. All pieces mentioned were displayed in the Objects of Wonder: From Pedestal to Interaction exhibit, which ran from Oct. 2019- March 2020. Nile POV.

>> the sweetness remains

Nile scrolls mindlessly through Pinterest, wishing for not the first time that she’d been allowed to recreate her socials.

Copley had barred her from practically all of the actually useful ones, but she’d bullied him down to just having an account on Pinterest, with the argument being that no one cared about the site. Granted, she doesn’t really want to be on Pinterest either, but sometimes the comfort of an app with infinite scroll is all she’s looking for in a distraction.

And right now, she really, really needs to be distracted.

Overly photoshopped cat pics.

Memes ripped straight from tumblr or twitter.

The most white girl aesthetic imaginable.

Three slugs ripping through her abdomen and spitting her liver out the other side—

Nile breathes in sharply. Exhales.

Her thumb resumes scrolling.

Photos of downtown that feel like home.

Recipes for harvest butternut squash soup.

Tips for keeping braids fresh longer.

Nile scrolls, and scrolls, and breathes.

Her abdomen still aches every time her lungs expand, even though she knows it really doesn’t. It’s perfectly healed; not even a scar for her troubles. But it’s hard to forget how her instincts had screamed that a gut shot like that shouldn’t be survivable, even as she pushed herself towards the next target.

(She didn’t survive it.)

(She didn’t survive the next half dozen times it happened, either.)

“Did that phone of yours do something to offend you?”

“Whoa!” Joe’s sudden appearance next to her only makes her clench her phone tighter. She forces out a laugh and eases the tension out of her fingers. “Feel like you should know better than to sneak up on someone that’s part of a bunch of immortal warriors.”

“Most of them would have caught me coming long before you did.”

Nile snorts. She scrolls a few more seconds, then closes the app and opens Temple Run. The game’s ridiculously old, but she’s a millennial. Sue her for being nostalgic.

She can feel Joe watching her as she starts the round.

“Am I correct in thinking you enjoy the arts, Nile?”

It’s not the question she was expecting, and she winds up tilting the screen to the left a half second late, and her character falls off the bridge.

It’s okay though, because she can just use a gem and respawn in the same place, so it’s basically like not dying at all.

Right?

“Uh, yeah,” she says. She winds up restarting the round entirely. “The military was supposed to pay for my degree, but I don’t think I can cash that if I’m technically KIA.”

“That would present a certain set of problems,” Joe agrees. “Andy talk to you about that?”

“Yeah.” Nile’s stomach twists. “Guess it depends on how easy it is to schedule classes between firefights.”

She’s practically laying the opening for a talk out herself, but Joe seems uninterested in taking it.

Instead, he shifts beside her, propping an elbow on his knee. “What kinds of art did you want to specialize in?”

She dies again. This time, she begrudgingly uses the in-game save. "I prefer classic sculpture, but I’m not against modern.”

“You like what was modern art for me, then.”

Nile rolls her eyes. “I dread the day I become as weird as you guys.”

He laughs, patting her on the shoulder as he stands. “I suspect by that time you’ll be too busy tormenting our next recruit. But unfortunately, the exhibit we’re going to will be more in the contemporary style.”

It takes Nile a half second to register his words. “Wait, what?”

“The description said it would be 1960s to the present only. If it suits you, we could hold off on our discussion of it for another thousand years or so. I’m sure we can claim it as classic at that point.”

“What?” Nile locks her phone and zeros her attention on him, registering the mischievous glint in his eyes this time. “Museum?”

“The Aarhus Art Museum has a special exhibit on loan from the Tate Modern at the moment.” He glances down at her phone, the corner of his mouth forming a grin. “I’m told its purpose is to help move its audience’s attention from their devices.”

Nile scowls and looks back down at her phone. “I died a dozen times yesterday. I’m allowed my coping mechanisms of choice.”

And.

Whoops.

“Of course you are,” Joe says, offering his hand to her, and she’s once again surprised he doesn’t force the conversation. “But phones are portable. You can take it with you to the museum.”

Nile worries at the edge of her lip with her teeth. She doesn’t really want to go anywhere right now, but…

But Joe’s brown eyes are warm and welcoming, and his callouses help steady her when she takes his hand.

“You said contemporary sculpture?”

The grin he gives her is blinding. “For now.”

_________________

It’s a twenty-five minute drive from their safe house to the museum, and the route takes them next to the Bay of Aarhus for most of it.

Nile stares out at the water, determined to not give Joe any more ammunition for making fun of her regarding her phone.

It’s hard. She’d never considered herself a technology addict—never had enough time to be one—but she really, really wants to stop thinking about the fact that she knows what the inside of her liver looks like.

Or did look like, she guesses.

Nope, nuh-uh, not going there—

“D'you know about the Ship of Theseus?” She spits it out before she can decide against it. She figures if she’s thinking about it, she might as well talk about it. “And don’t say you were there for it. You’re not Andy and I at least know enough about you to know when you’re lying.”

The grin on his face tells her that he was very much intending to before she called him out on it. “It’s a thought experiment. The character Theseus owns a ship that, over a long span of time, has all of its parts replaced, until nothing of the original still remains.”

“Yeah, and so then the question is, is it even the same ship,” Nile finishes.

Joe weaves in and out of traffic, a pensive look on his face. “I assume you aren’t asking simply to test my knowledge of early western philosophy.”

“No.”

Nile looks down at her hands. She can still remember how horrifically mangled they were from her impromptu dive off a skyscraper, but at least—at least she’s pretty sure they’re the same ones she had before.

Though that might not last long.

“In your opinion,” she says, cautiously, “if—if there’s nothing left of the original—if you have to rebuild something that many times—”

“Nile.” The sound of the car’s turn signal distracts her spiraling thoughts. Joe nods towards the windshield. “We’re here.”

It’s a large, red brick square building, fairly nondescript but for the circular and multi-colored glass walking track at its top.

“Come on, he says, parking the car. “I find physical objects superior to mental ones for solving such issues.”

Nile doesn’t understand why the one time she wants to talk about something like this is the one time Joe decides to go full mysterious.

She climbs out of the car and follows him inside.

Despite her misgivings, she quickly discovers Joe was right. The exhibit is genuinely incredible, and there are pieces from multiple names she recognizes—Anish Kapoor, Donald Judd, Rasheed Araeen—and pieces she finds herself strangely moved by, such as Damian Hirst’s Away from the Flock, Richard Long’s Red Slate Circle, Rachel Whiteread’s Airbed II. Nile stares at that last one in particular for a long time: a concrete casting of an airbed, the artist’s presence made known in the negative space where her body had pressed the material down.

Joe, however, seems to be moving with a specific purpose in mind, and it’s not until they round one of the walls of the orange-pink room that Nile has a guess as to what it is.

In the far corner, bathed in the additional light of a single fill light, is a massive pile of multicolored cellophane wrapped hard candies.

Joe walks her over to it, an almost reverence to his steps.

“Untitled: Portrait of Ross in LA,” he says. “Are you familiar with the piece?”

She shakes her head, bending down to inspect it. It doesn’t look like much more than what she’d seen from a distance—candy, multicolored, on the floor. She looks to Joe for an explanation.

“Felix Gonzalez-Torres’s partner died from AIDS,” Joe says. The grief on his face is hard to look at. “To honor him, he made this as a portrait—one hundred and seventy-five pounds of candy, representing Ross’s weight from when he was still healthy.”

Nile looks at the pile—it’s a lot, but it’s not a hundred and seventy-five pounds worth of a lot.

Joe notices her confusion and smiles. “Take one.”

“What?”

“Take one,” he repeats. “The purpose of the work is to invite you to partake in both enjoying his presence and lamenting the lack of it. A sort of communion—choosing to take part of his body into your own. It was a powerful statement when so many were afraid to even be in our presence at the time.”

Nile looks at the pile again, and just like with Airbed II, her heart aches at what isn’t there, rather than what is. She selects a red piece and brings it out of the pile, cupping it in her hand and considering its weight.

“What happens when it runs out?”

Joe selects his own piece—a green one—and it rolls around in the palm of his hand. “It has. Many times. But that’s the beauty of it—it’s the curator’s responsibility to replenish the pile, metaphorically granting immortality and new life to the loss.”

The cellophane crinkles in Nile’s hand as she unwraps the piece. “How do they decide where to get the candy from?”

“The only firm rule is the original weight. Outside of that, there are no set instructions for the candies themselves.” He chuckles, threading his fingers behind his neck and leaning back against the wall. “Sometimes you can even see these strange combinations of greens, oranges, and purples.”

Nile considers the candy. “Not your favorite?”

“It has an almost Halloween quality to it. I tend to prefer the rainbow.”

The candy in her hand feels heavier than it did before—weighed down with the knowledge of what it represents, what it’s taking away.

She slips the candy into her mouth and her eyebrows raise in surprise. “It’s sweet?”

“It’s candy,” Joe says, unwrapping his own piece. “Did you expect something else?”

“I thought it’d be…” She pauses, trying to parse out her feelings. “Bitter. Or sad, somehow. Considering.”

“It could have been,” Joe agrees. “But the portrait isn’t meant to represent just grief and loss. Candy is a happy thing—a reward for yourself, or a lover’s gift on Valentine’s. And even when it’s gone, the sweetness remains. Still lingering on the tongue, or dwelling in the mind. It is the love of friends and partners that keeps the memory alive—and what keeps this the same portrait, even though its pieces have been cycled through many times.”

The candy melts away on her tongue, and she closes her eyes in grief for its loss, appreciation for what it was, and hope for the pieces that would come after it.

She swallows the last piece of it down.

Her stomach settles.

[messages-into-the-void]

For a while I have had cycles of hyper focus on something. Like for six months in 2015 I was super into the Dragon Age series, a while before that it was Outlander, etc. it’ll cycle back around like when I discovered the graphic novels for DA or when the next season of Outlander comes back on.

It’s like that with a bunch of book series/authors, game IPs, tv shows, movies, podcasts, or even my own stories.

I’ve reached a weird point again where I don’t feel like I have an interest all that much in anything. I want my hyper focus thing back. Anything. I want to escape reality that is my go-to.

I don’t enjoy them as I once did. I log into the sims and maybe load a save and get annoyed and log out. I’ll do a red dead online daily and decide I don’t wanna do the rest and log off. I’ll start a book and get frustrated with the story.

Actually one story I’m reading I know there’s a betrayal moment later (it’s a romance so interpersonal conflicts are more the thing) and I am looking forward to that and that resolution than any of the build up with the two main characters. So boring.

I think I’m still depressed. My dog died less than a month ago. (I don’t think I mentioned it on here. It was cancer and we didn’t know she had it until too late.)

My brothers are weirdly cavalier about it. My dad had a cold affect about animals and the natural order of things when he was raising us (turns out he was emotionally abused by his dad specifically about dogs and dog related affection) … so it’s just depressing dealing with some family. (My dad has come around to love dogs. He was crying along with my mom and me when we had to put our dog down - she was suffering and we didn’t want her to be in pain anymore.)

I moved (had to) to a different state so all my healthcare shit is screwed up. Not to mention the move is and was stressful. It’s hard for me to get rid of things and I have to get rid of a lot of things.

I’m not circling the drain but I feel less and less capable of pretending to be a normal human.

I lost some important documents at some point in the last few years and realized it today. I feel like such an idiot but in truth I just lose things. If I don’t have a system and things are given to me the thing might as well be in the fifth dimension. I just lost track of what I was doing the times I meant to put the documents in a safe space so there’s no telling where they are (but i am in the process of replacing them)

Again I am saying I’m not thinking of harming myself but I do feel like my existence is a constant cycle of hope and disappointments (caused by me.)

I am just tired of the weird attention span thing. I want to be able to sit down and work on my writing or something.

I’m also super pissed at my last therapist who would say “maybe you’re just not interested in (whatever thing I was taking about)” in regards to my attention span frustration. Like he has adhd. Why the fuck didn’t he see that when he diagnosed me with autism? (My prevailing theory is boomer male bias. Some try to be not misogynistic but they’re super bad at it.)

This sounds like a lot of “I hate my brain” and it’s not my fault. It’s a combination and I take responsibility for what I can. For the therapist and last shrink I really should have looked into them harder. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: conservatives shouldn’t work in psychology/psychiatry … they’re too negative.

Just confirming I’m still a useless mess

[steponmepinkjun]

I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

[askthechaoticcharacters]

Mod Kou’s Intro~

Hihi all!! My name is Kou (also been called Crimson/Crispy), and I’m one of the mods of this lovely little chaotic blog! 

A little bit about me, I am a tiny, anxious fire bunny who loves music, drawing, and worldbuilding! (eh,, I’m always really bad at listing likes and dislikes lkgfgfk) I am very very terrified of spiders and I cannot, for the life of me, confront people. My main blog is @crimsonsolace and my art blog is @bunny-arts !!  I’ll most likely be answering asks with drawings and stuff ^^

Anyways, enough about me... Time to meet my characters! I’m gonna put them under a read more (which I just figured out how to do, yay!) so you don’t get floodedkdfslk 

Uh. be prepared for a lot of text. I’m so sorry. I got carried away. 

Earth Chat

Crimzon - A guardian Demon, born with only the reason to protect others in war. She came to Earth with no clear purpose, worried her illness would take her over and kill her before she found someone to serve. But, thankfully! She found a child, Willow, out on the streets with no caretakers! Despite being awful with children, she took matters into her own hands and now protects Willow as she searches for proper parents for the child! 

Trilis - Riil’s ‘mother’, having fled to Earth after their family was killed by a group of vampires. Though not actually their mother, Trilis is Riil’s Mom’s cousin, and they took it as their responsibility to care for the child, even though they have a deadly illness that will soon take their life. Unfortunately, Riil knows nothing of their dead family nor Trilis’s illness.. Oh! They also have an adopted child, Melody, and are good friends with Eos! They are,,, the Mama Demon that you NEVER mess with. terrifying.. uses a spear with a leaf etched on its blade.. other stuff,

Teen!Riil - The teenage version of Riil, a salty demon whose best friend is Beep! They refuse to go anywhere without either their mother (Trilis) or Beep with them unless they’re horribly upset, and can tend to get jealous when they see another child with their mother. They’re also very willing to throw down for their bestie, even if they wont admit he’s their best friendkfflkkfjgfd 

Universe - The goddess of the universe, a tall, joyful, kind woman! Married to Eos, her child is Osiris, she lives a happy life with her family and works at a lab! I dunno if there’s much to say on her, honestly,, 

Teen!Osiris - A teenage version of Osiris! Child of Universe and Eos, she’s like.. 16 here? They are very playful, still curious as ever, but is terrified of learning how to fly and sort of procrastinates on learning her magic and stuff. They’re a very childish life god ^^;

Faura + Ufio - FAURA! The, uh. Meme master and fourth-wall breaker of my bunch- She’s a witch who came to Earth to break free of her chains back home, and now runs Faura’s Bakery! She has a special interest in tech, after finding her best bud Ufio- which is a small UFO that she’s been fixing up ever since she found him in a junkyard! She’s also really, really clumsy,

Helroe + Gaser - The parents of Ainara, who brought her to Earth to punish her for attempting to run away. Both are magic users who force the same profession on Ain, despite the fact she’s always had difficulties with magic. They are cold, harsh, and often would refuse her food if she couldn’t study properly. They are bastards(tm) 

Earth!Ainara - This Ain is a mouse, and extra tiny! She’s also a magic user instead of an axe user, and is much more easily startled than the normal Ain. Thankfully, she was rescued and taken in by Axis, and now she lives with him sorta! Oh also she can turn into a littol mouse,

DnD Chat

Elyscia - An Elf bard who plays harp, violin, and piano! She’s elegant, glittery, and very charismatic! Has an adopted child, Connor, and a girlfriend, Nathala :> She’s... probably one of my most sane characters ngl. Oh also she’s 7′5-

Shizue - A Mermaid sorceress, doomed to be lost in the woods forever... The silly Mermaid has a very low attention span, and gets distracted by anything and everything very quickly! She’s seen with her big pet guinea pig, Chonk! 

Ainara - A Gnome barbarian wielding a giant axe, two handaxes, and a boomerang axe! Ran from her abusive parents and met her master Faerghis, who took her in and taught her how to use her weapons! However, they died, and she ended up in the forest of the DnD chat where she met her current best friend, Axis, and her adopted child, Willow! She is Feral Gnome.

DnD!Riil - Less than a year old, this Riil lost most of their family in an attack, found and saved by Roisin, their new mother. The small demon has made a dragon friend who they named Xilr, after their late brother, and a friend named Beep! 

Aav - The only other member of Riil’s family that survived, Aav is a sorrowful demon who only misses her siblings and her parents. She stays with Riil and Roisin, rarely speaking- but she’s a fast and silent demon with a gun, so don’t mess with her or her new family! 

DnD!Osiris - A young life god, the daughter of Universe and Eos! They are curious, love hair, and hates the fact their mom tries to cover their inhuman features with a cloak- but really, that’s only for their safety. Their token baby phrase is “BWBWBWBWBWBWB” and that is all you need to know 

DnD!Universe (Hevasrra) - The goddess of the universe, yet here she’s very disguised- hiding her normal godlike features under a more humanlike appearance. She also goes by her ‘true’ name rather than the one she prefers. Her wife is Eos, her child is Osiris! She’s a,, lot more on edge in this chat

Space Chat

Crimson - A nervous human(?) who came to the ship to escape her step-father, Crimson is sort of... Like a persona? But honestly, not really ^^; Her (best? Maybe?) friend is Tone (it is an important rule to know that if she dies, so does he,) and her enemy is Impo!Riil, who keeps trying to attack her! yay.. 

Impo!Riil - That’s right- an Imposter version of Riil! This is a version of them who found out about the fact Trilis was not their real mother, and they flew into a rage and killed them. Due to this, they turned to delusions, calling and talking to their spear as if it were “Mom”. It’s quite easy to tick them off, and once you do, they’ll become blinded by rage and try to attack you,, According to Blue. They need therapy badly