#I am predictable in this one aspect and I’ve been thinking about it and it is eating me alive

[guardianlioness]

The core to every story that I love is sincerity.

[nanshii-doruu]

RANKING NANCY DREW GAMES BY ACCOMMODATION: A VERY SUBJECTIVE LIST

Recently I’ve been enjoying vote4holt’s YouTube ND game rankings. He covers the major aspects of each game: story, characters, puzzles, music, atmosphere and endings, with one big final ranking video at the end. It covers most aspects of the game, but it got me thinking: what other things can we rank the games on? I mean, you can make a list about damn near anything that’s featured in all the games, but one thing that always gets my attention is accommodation. I’m very interested in temporary accommodation from a thematic standpoint, and I’m actually working on a book which will be a collection of my hotel stories, half of which are real, and half of which are made up. Nancy’s adventures definitely inspired some of it.

IMPORTANT NOTES

I haven’t played MID or KEY, so they aren’t ranked. I might add them when I get around to it. Also, I haven’t played a couple of these games for a while and/or I’ve played them only once, so some factual errors may be present. I welcome corrections and/or comments!

I will be evaluating the accommodations based on several factors: comfort, aesthetic, security, and how irritating any roommates you have might be.

There are actually three categories of accommodation. They are: Not Relevant (i.e. we don’t know where Nancy is staying); Limited Info (i.e. we know where Nancy is saying but we don’t see it in its entirety); and Luxuriously Demonstrated (i.e. we see Nancy’s room and can interact with it). You might be wondering: how can you rank places you can’t see? Easy – I’m going to predict what the accommodation MIGHT be like, and rank based on vibes!

These are going to be VERY biased to my taste. There are several things I value in accommodation that you may feel differently about. I am no outdoorsman, and I value comfort, privacy and safety in my temporary accommodation, with cool aesthetics following swiftly behind. Therefore, these values will inform my list. I didn’t realise this would be the case so much when I started it, but it became clear as I started writing. That’s not a bad thing per se – in fact, I hope you vehemently disagree with a few of these! Tell me what you think!

Finally, I tried very hard not to let my feelings about the actual games slip in, but it becomes inevitable at some points. Atmosphere is a big part of this ranking, and a lot of my favourite games have good atmosphere. That said, this is in no way a ranking of my favourite games.

I will overuse the word “cosy”. Also, I’m a yapper, so this is LONG.

All right? Let’s go!

NOT RELEVANT

The Final Scene – I’m imagining a regular corporate-style hotel for this, and honestly?  I’m into that. I might as well reveal this now: I LOVE hotels. Even the most boring hotel is magical for me still. I think it’s because I never stayed in hotels frequently as a child (all our holidays were in rented cabins/houses, not hotels), and I don’t have a job that allows travel with hotel stays. Consequently, a hotel is an enormous treat, even the most basic place. Oh, someone will change my linens FOR me? Incredible! There’s a clean bathroom? How wondrous! A continental breakfast? Ambassador, you are spoiling us! Hotels can be kind of a nightmare for some people, because it’s stressful to be out of your home, and if you have concerns about hygiene and security then I’m sure it’s even more stressful. Still, I think there’s something slightly wonderful about a room that’s only yours temporarily.

Labyrinth of Lies – history may show I’m not overly enamoured with this game, but you know what? I’ve mellowed a bit over time. I haven’t replayed it (no way to redownload my original purchase and I’m not inclined to spend money on it again), but I think @aniceworld had a point in his game ranking. It’s probably intended to be magical realist, and it’s far from the worst offender in the unrealistic category. I stand by the opinion that this era of the series is too self-serious to get away with the extent of wacky nonsense the premise needs to work, but the game probably wasn’t worth the dragging I gave it. All the same, I have no plans to replay it lol. ANYWAY. We don’t know Nancy’s digs in this game, but based on previous entries I’m willing to bet her accommodation was either a) whatever the Greek equivalent of a Motel 6 is b) an unrealistically gorgeous boutique hotel with fabulous mosaics and views overlooking the Aegean sea or wherever we’re meant to be or c) a homestay with a quirky Greek family consisting of a stressed out mother, her cheerful father in law and her precocious young scamp of a son, all of whom need us to do culturally-enriching errands constantly. Fingers crossed for Nancy’s sake it was b).

Secret of the Old Clock – we never find out where Nancy is staying despite the setting being an inn. Was she staying here? I don’t entirely remember, but I don’t think so. The inn looks great, but given the circumstances it’s probably best that Nancy stay off-property. Fuck it, she’s staying at the Deer Mountain Resort. I’m picturing it kind of like Old Faithful Inn, even though I know that’s nonsense geographically speaking – historic, charming, outdoorsy and cosy.

GIVES US LIMITED INFO

Trail of the Twister – this is of a genre of places to stay I like to call “staircase with nothing to see at the top”. As a scientific observation post, the rooming situation here is likely spartan and utilitarian. I’m picturing camp beds with sleeping bags on top, or else some kind of bunkbed scenario a la DED. This would actually be kinda fun if any of the characters in TOT were in any way the kind of people you’d enjoy having a sleepover with. I guess between WAC and SAW, Her had overspent their ability to create characters who were actually interesting – or who at the very least, had interesting interactions with each other. Top asshole prize goes to the loathsome Debbie, who manages to be both boring and annoying, with her constant “Nancy! Time to go to bed!” whenever she’s done running you ragged for the day. This could have (theoretically) been a fun, cosy place to stay while you watch storms from the window, and instead it’s just sort of nothing. Kind of a microcosm for the game.

The Haunting of Castle Malloy – trying not to let my thoughts about the game infect this one, so I’m trying to imagine a version of Castle Malloy that somehow doesn’t include Kyler Mallory. It’s much nicer. Anyway, the vibes here are of course immaculate, but that doesn’t necessarily make it a nice place to stay. It’s probably dank and draughty in the castle – Kyler calls the tapestries mouldy and it’s hard to know if she’s exaggerating. I can believe it. I bet Nancy’s bed was suspiciously damp. 

Sea of Darkness – the inn looks nice enough in a practical, backpacker sort of way, but this one loses points for the very real and horrifying possibility that Nancy is sleeping in one of those eight-bunk hostel rooms. On its own this is a fine way to spend a trip and I too have indulged in the ol’ mystery roommate selection pack game, but I am on entirely the wrong side of 30 for this to hold any appeal any more.

Ghost Dogs of Moon Lake – we see the cabin, and we can adjust the time, but I’m taking points off because we don’t see Nancy’s room. Still, based on the rest of the cabin, it’s hard to believe it’s anything more than a basic sleeping bag on an uncomfortable mattress. Did you ever do activity trips in school? I had to go on a couple. I remember the mattresses being basically the same as those mats you have in gym class, blue and shiny and full of foam. If I tried to sleep on one now it would turn my spine into a loose stack of pebbles. I’m convinced that the bed in DOG is exactly this brand of discomfort. Oh, and I bet you have to go outside to use a terrible chemical toilet, and there’s no shower and you have to use one of those solar backpack ones that weighs the same as a hefty toddler. This is probably a 10/10 for people who love the off-the-grid experience, but much lower for those who do not care for it (me. I’m those). I do like the idea of a cabin in the woods, but this is a bit too rustic for me. At least it’s private.

Secrets Can Kill – okay full disclaimer, I haven’t played the original OR the remake, hence the low rating. I am simply not convinced I would enjoy it. Based on YouTube playthroughs though… boy is Aunt Eloise’s apartment hard on the eyes. I’m actually willing to go easy on them though because I think I can imagine the look they were going for (that sort of 80s/90s American Victorian Nancy Meyer look that looked a bit better in STD and MHM) and I actually like that aesthetic, so I’m chalking it up to graphical limitations. In the remake they really did stick to those acidy colours rather than go for more subdued jewel tones though, so idk. Aunt Eloise is probably a very unforgiving host, and I bet the whole place smells like band-aids. OH and I was going to avoid the whole “haha it’s the worst cos it’s in Florida” thing cos that’s some low-hanging oranges, but actually I think this kind of interior design (fussy upholstery, heavy wood, carpets) would be pretty hard to deal with in a climate like Florida’s. Literally the only reason this beats DOG is because an indoor bathroom is a deal-breaker for me, and I simply do not believe the cabin has one. THEN AGAIN, if Aunt Eloise’s personality is anything like her decoration taste, maybe pissing in a ditch ain’t that bad.

Stay Tuned For Danger – Mattie’s apartment has a similar aesthetic to Aunt Eloise’s apartment, but it does look a bit nicer. I’m giving it a higher score because I’ll take a fancy NY apartment over one in Florida any day.*

*apologies to any Floridians, I have visited many times and I love you guys, but dear lord your climate is a lot to deal with.

Ransom of the Seven Ships – listen I suffered half of this game only once so my recollection isn’t amazing and my hackles were immediately up when I started thinking about this one. But you have to admit, a beach resort on a tropical island sounds incredible on paper. And it should be, really – an eco resort? Snorkelling, animals, and sick-ass sunken ships to explore? Sounds incredible! I don’t believe we actually confirm where the gang’s rooms are, but the resort looks lovely (and it’s not like I can buy the game again to check). Now, the lack of owners or staff? Not so lovely. If I recall correctly it’s explained as the off-season, but still – there should be SOME people around, even if just for maintenance (like, what the entire plot of The Shining is hinged on). This would have actually made for a small cast of intriguing suspects. Why didn’t Her do this???? Now I’m just getting mad about the game. Hackles up again.

Creature of Kapu Cave – not all that dissimilar to the last in that both are beach resorts, I suppose, but the culture is obviously different. This one only gains points for having an actually staffed resort, and because the place is beautiful despite all the nonsense the game throws at us – though it loses some as well for the inherent scumminess of the Hawai’ian tourist industry. Having said that, if we were to dissect the scumminess of all tourist industries present in the games, we’d be here for a long-ass time.

Danger By Design – another of Nancy’s apartment shares, this time with Jing Jing Ling. Again this one gets points for location alone. Call me a cliché but I do love Paris – as with all big cities you need to drop your preconceptions and go with what the place is giving you, and you will always have a good time. Place Monge is a nice area, and it’s right next to the Jardin des Plantes and the National Museum of Natural History, two of my favourite spots. The apartment itself is perfectly nice, maybe a little dark but still a lot prettier than a fashion model would reasonably have – though its main appeal is definitely the constant smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. JJ would be a pretty difficult roommate, though. Entertaining as a compulsive liar can be, there would come a point where she pretended she had no idea what happened to the jambon beurre in the fridge that you were saving for lunch today, and the friendship would be over.

Secret of Shadow Ranch – even if you’re not outdoorsy, there’s still a lot to like about Shadow Ranch! The charmingly eclectic interior design, the beautiful Native American arts and crafts, and one thing that all good accommodations should have – a kitchen! Shorty’s creepiness aside, there’s nothing cosier than whipping up dinner in a big, comfy kitchen as the sun goes down, fire crackling in the grate, friends gathered around to hear a ghost story… We don’t get to see the bedroom (and in fact, there’s no real logical place for it to be – there’s no door inside that could lead to it, so you must have to go outside to get to the bedrooms?) but I’m picturing beautifully carved wooden headboards and more of those cosy blankets. The established risk of rattlesnakes and scorpions in the room does give me pause, but the vibes are too immaculate to rank the ranch any lower.

Legend of the Crystal Skull – aight I can fully admit this is so high up because of how much I’m using my imagination to fill in the gaps. From Bess’s POV we see a gorgeous balcony overlooking some primo New Orleans real estate. It’s raining, it’s pouring, it’s ambient, and the only thing we know for a fact is that Bess had a great bubble bath there. Ooohoooohohooooo. What an enticing picture you paint, Her. I imagine the hotel to be one of those old-world turn-of-the-century Belle Epoque builds with a renovated interior – y’know, smooth dark wood and soft white sheets, waffle robes, the whole shebang. The thing that really pushes it up, though, is the weather. Two of my fondest hotel memories involve storms, and they also both happened in the USA – one at the Omni Parker Hotel in Boston, and one at the Royal Pacific in Universal Orlando. In both instances it was raining heavily, with thunder and lightning filling the sky, so going out wasn’t an option. Both times me and my compadres got snacks, put on a podcast, and kicked back and watched the storm until it passed. I imagine Nancy and Bess did this the night after Nancy closed the case.

Last Train to Blue Moon Canyon – this made-up scenario JUST beats out my made-up CRY scenario because it’s a train. It’s a fuckin railway car, from an era when railway cars still looked beautiful.* We’re moving through the night with a mystery to solve… but wouldn’t it be nice to retreat to our cabin instead? Wouldn’t it be dreamy to retire to a vintage rail cabin? It’s a dark night and our route is so scenic, so wouldn’t you rather get into the soft, comfy bed by the window, lie back, and watch the landscape pass by moonlight? If you’ve never done a night train before – do it. It’s a wonderful travel experience. I’ve only done two, and both were somewhat utilitarian (Amsterdam to Prague, which I loved but our two adjoining cabins had slightly less space than your average sardine tin; and Edinburgh to London on the Caledonian Sleeper, which was fancier but still not Orient Express class). Being rocked to sleep by the motion of the train… nothing like it in this world. I imagine the train in TRN is meant to be more on the level of super luxury trains, like the modern Venice Simplon Orient Express, or the Seven Stars in Kyushu. It’s not a modern train so the amenities wouldn’t be up to these luxury experiences, but the atmosphere alone would be more than worth it (and, as Lori is meant to be wealthy or at least connected – who knows! Maybe she had it updated).

*This is of course a joke. All railway cars are beautiful.

LUXURIOUSLY DEMONSTRATED

Alibi in Ashes – this is ranked lowest because as far as I’m concerned it doesn’t count. This is Nancy’s home (and it’s very nice). In terms of the actual mystery, Nancy has some not great accommodation in the form of the jail cell.

The Shattered Medallion – it’s only fitting that this wet fart of a game has accommodation to match. We’re camping, and I’m trying to let my venomous hatred of camping slide – and I really think I could, if only the game had been good. If a game like SHA or CUR had Nancy sleeping in a tent I could have forgiven a lot for the sake of atmosphere, but this game has no such grace. It’s not even AESTHETIC.

Tomb of the Lost Queen – there are a few things that make this accommodation very unappealing, and they are: camping (subjective on my part I know, but c’mon. I assume no one camps because they think it’s comfortable); sharing with strangers (generally high risk, but especially in a Nancy Drew game, where you could be sleeping mere feet from someone who will shank you for the slightest gain); and the environment (dear lord I would be dead in minutes here. I’m a white Celtic redhead, I am not MADE for the desert. I am made for rain, pillaging, and carving strange things into rock). Still, all things considered, there are bedframes here, the canvas looks sturdy enough, and your tentmates aren’t as bad as they could be (Debbie).

The Ghost of Thornton Hall – one of the best games, but Nancy’s set up is not ideal. She has a sleeping bag in a decaying mansion, with prime views of Charlotte’s haunted door. It’s a gothic fantasy, but it’s not going to be comfortable in person. No word on the toilet/shower sitch, but you just know it was awful. 

Secret of the Scarlet Hand – a regular, boring hotel, but tbh I love that (see above). I bet the aircon was bountiful and the continental breakfast slapped.

Danger on Deception Island – another great game where the sleeping setup is pretty bad. Staying on a boat, sharing a tiny cupboard with Katie Firestone (whomst I do not find very compelling, if you do then god speed), and you have to sleep in sleeping bags head-to-head? Nope. The toilet/shower situation definitely sucks. It’s probably a good thing that we never see Nancy turn in for the night, otherwise I do not doubt that Katie would have an insane sleep hygiene routine and Nancy would fantasise about strangling her in the night. Still, the vibes are great, and I’m sure many of us have dreamed of living in a boat.

The Curse of Blackmoor Manor – my bias is entering here and I can fully admit that. There are a few “Nancy stays in a luxury bedroom” games, and this one might be my least favourite. It’s mainly because Blackmoor Manor is so fuckin’ ugly. I’ve joked about this before, but even as upper-class old-school maximalist households go (and there are a lot of them IRL), Blackmoor Manor is SPECTACULARLY hideous. I know some of the ugliness is part of the puzzles, but omg HER you couldn’t have made the entryway less of an eyesore? The hallways more aesthetically pleasing? Nancy’s room less of the kind of space you’d avoid if you were having a migraine? It seems like the bed is nice, and we can get food delivered (which I always like in a game), but the constant interruption of Nancy’s sleep really pulls this one down.

The Phantom of Venice – while the idea of a plush hotel room in the Floating City is certainly appealing, I fear that the design didn’t really hit a home run here. IMHO the décor of Nancy’s room is WAY too dark and heavy for somewhere like Venice, and I find that offputting. This would definitely work in some games – in fact, if this had been Nancy’s room in CUR, I would be a happy camper. Still, you can’t say it isn’t luxurious. I’m sure plenty of people love this one, but the lowish ranking is because I don’t think the aesthetic suits the area, or even the game, particularly well.

Warnings at Waverly Academy – as anyone who has lived in a dorm can testify, dorm living can actually be very nice. Waverly Academy is gorgeous, though probably somewhat plusher than what actual boarding school dorms look like. My only experience is doing summer day camp at a couple of boarding schools as a kid, and generally I think rooms tend to have more than two occupants and be pretty aesthetically underwhelming, even when the main school building is gorgeous. Anyway, the rooms in WAC seem pleasant, cosy and full of creature comforts, but (as with TOT) it really ultimately hinges on who your roommate is. And Corinne is… well, sort of a lot. She doesn’t quite hit the heights of irritating quite like some characters do (Debbie), but I also feel like she’d keep breaking the silence as you tried to sleep by asking “so, do you think I’m cool?” or “haha guess what Nancy it’s past midnight, it’s tomorrow!”

The Deadly Device – I’ve never stayed at a research lab, but if I ever do, I really hope it looks like this one. The bunkbed looks peaceful and comfy, there’s a private bathroom, and the rec room honestly seems great. If it weren’t for the mystery at hand, I’d enjoy myself napping, cooking and playing Aggregate here.

The Haunted Carousel – another bland hotel, though we see a little more of this one and (as I’ve said) I’m kind of enamoured with these. As in, I have deliberately played this game while staying in hotels like this, to enhance the ambience. I don’t know, I guess I was wired wrong. The room service menu really brings this one up, though – cheeseburgers and pasta (the two best foods of all time) straight to the door? It’s all I dream of. You also have the option of burning the whole thing down, which is a bold move on the developers’ part.

The Silent Spy – well, here we have the closest I’ve ever come to staying in a bona fide ND location. The station in the game is, I’m fairly certain, inspired by a mixture of Glasgow Queen Street (has some of those smaller archways that lead to the platforms, and leads onto a main square) and Glasgow Central (older brick station with a hotel attached). The IRL hotel attached to Glasgow Central is the Voco Grand Central Glasgow, and it does bear some resemblance to Glaucus Lodge in architecture and interior design. My room was nothing like Nancy’s, but it was cosy and pleasant! It is also very nice to be right on the railways station, and there’s something slightly magical about a special exit for hotel guests. Anyway, reality aside, this is a very nice hotel. I have a pet peeve in luxury Scottish hotels (very specific I know) where it’s all just tartan and antlers and tweed – designed for rich tourists, and not very representative of actual Scottish art and culture. Glaucus Lodge is sort of bland luxury, but it doesn’t do that, and I’m kind of grateful for it. There however is a sense of always being on edge in the room that loses it a few points with me.

Message in a Haunted Mansion – another of Nancy’s fancy bedrooms. This one gains points for the Victorian chinoiserie, but loses some for a lack of security in the game (that scary-ass note slipped under your door). Still, I wouldn’t say no to a stay in a San Francisco Victorian, and I bet once the mystery was solved Nancy slept like a baby in that bed.

The Captive Curse – I don’t have huge amounts to write about this one, but I really like it. The dark wood and red colour scheme work well here where they didn’t in VEN because of the spooky/nighttime atmosphere. I love a four-poster bed (you ever sleep in one? ooooooh baby it’s a cool soothing balm for all the angst you had as a teenager that you weren’t actually a Gothic heroine living in a decaying manor on the moors), and I really like the lighting in this room. It’s so glowy and cosy. I would love to work at the desk here, looking out of the window and hoping no monsters shamble on by…

White Wolf of Icicle Creek – this game isn’t perfect, but one area it does do well is the bedrooms. Even though DOG is a much better game, this cabin is far more my vibe. I’ve always enjoyed the National Park Service rustic style of architecture and design (hence my earlier reference to the Old Faithful Inn), and though we’re in Canada I think the aesthetic is similar enough. It would of course be a lot nicer if you weren’t always zipping around doing grunt work, but it’s still such a pleasant, cosy place. I like to imagine it has outdoor hot tubs and stargazing pods. The snowed-in vibes are also a big part of what makes the atmosphere so cosy. This is a good place to stay. Maybe get a full staff in, though, not just some teenager run off her feet.

Shadow at the Water’s Edge – I’ve always dreamed of staying in a ryokan, and SAW’s ryokan is REALLY beautiful. In fact, there’s literally one reason why it isn’t number one for me, and that’s how there’s not really a safe place in the whole ryokan – you get menaced in your room, in the halls, in the bathroom (in the BATHROOM), and even the garden is creepy as heck because the soundtrack follows you. All that said, I still love it and I would stay here, ghost or no ghost. The bedding just looks so comfy and soft, the garden is beautiful, I love the idea of being able to take cultural lessons there, and I need to lower my disgusting body into that hot spring bath right now. And, a SURPRISE BONUS LOCATION: Yumi’s apartment! Small and overpriced it may be, but Yumi says she loves it and you can really tell. A cute, cosy little bolthole in the concrete jungle of Kyoto. Mwah.

Treasure in the Royal Tower – snagging the top spot is Her’s fourth game, and the first one to really knock it out of the park. It’s amazing how good the ambience is considering the game’s age, but let’s put that aside and focus on Wickford Castle as a place to stay. Oh, boy. I love it. Nancy’s bedroom is comfy and cosy without being too fussy, there’s so much to explore, you have a whole ass library, AND it comes with a historical mystery? And that’s before you remember that you can (normally) do winter sports here, too. I would love nothing more than to return from a wintry walk and cosy up in front of the fire (sans Lisa, RIP see you in hell) with a good book and some hot chocolate hand-delivered by Jacques. The catering situation could probably be better, but it’s not bad enough to kill the vibe. Absolutely lovely.

[thatgreyjedi]

So I saw this template somewhere (I forgot who made it but kudos to them!!) and I thought it was a good thing to reflect on this year’s highlights of AO3!

Turns out, I wrote a lot more than I realized. So in addition, I’d like to draw some special attention to some of the accomplishments my fics achieved in my eyes this year!!

I Bet My Life-

After almost two years (including a 6 month hiatus in 2023, oops) I finally concluded my largest fic to date. I think my favorite moments that I wrote in this story was the interaction between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. When I first started writing the story, I knew I wanted a moment between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon that would leave an impact on the narrative of the story and I think the master and apprentice duo meeting in a sort of between-life-and-death world (Kind of like the World between Worlds). I really enjoyed writing this scene because it allowed Obi-Wan to finally overcome his past and move forward on his path of training the future Jedi that will defeat the Sith. I also enjoyed writing the scenes with Reva and Cody because it highlighted their special father-daughter bond that wouldn’t have happened if they never met in the aftermath of Order 66. This fic will always hold a special place in my heart for several reasons, and I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to bring this emotionally heart-wrenching story with a heartwarming ending to so many people!!!

Dennis and Mac Have a Secret-

So my introduction to this fandom was kind of funny, meaning that I started watching this in order to ease my nerves about my upcoming AP tests (and it paid off because I ended up doing pretty well on them). Well, I ended up loving the show so much that I wrote a fic about it. Although it’s not one of my more successful fics I’ve written, this one holds a special place in my heart. I love how the direction of this story went and it truly showed that even some of the most vulgar, self-centered characters can be changed by one person in their life. For me, it’s a beautiful story of love coming in several different forms all tied together to create a bittersweet ending that is how Mac and Dennis finally get together (I won’t spoil too much, but it gets kind of sad at some points).

Lights Will Guide Us Home-

Similarly to IASIP, I fell head first into the 9-1-1 fandom and immediately became infatuated with it. However, this show has quickly became one of my favorite shows of all time and Buddie has became one of my favorite ships of all time! So, when I was waiting for S8 to drop, I decided to write my own sort of post-S7 fix-it story (let’s just say there were certain things about the end of S7 that made me mad and confused). So I combined my favorite trope of trapping characters in a cave together (if I had a nickel for every time I wrote about two characters trapped in a cave in life-threatening circumstances and they confess their feelings to each other, I’d have two nickels, which is really weird that it happened twice…) Regardless, I loved writing this one because it was something new, and I really enjoyed writing for these characters and all their dynamics and small little details. For me, 9-1-1 not only really inspired me in more than just the writing aspect as it gave me a fresh canvas for art pieces (which I’d been struggling to make for a while until now), but it also created memories with some of the most important people in my life (my family would sit down every night to binge episodes and we’d all share our theories/predictions together. Also, my best friend started watching at the same time and we’d talk about everything, including the Buddie moments). This show will hold a permanent spot in my heart for years to come.

Love Like This-

Oh boy, where do I even begin with this one? So, one of the most common questions I had while watching this show is “Why doesn’t Buck have a kid of his own yet?” Sure, he basically co-parents Christopher with Eddie at this point, but like, I want to see Buck actually take care of a baby-baby. Hence, Ellowynn “Elly” Buckley(-Diaz) was born. But, I didn’t just stop at giving Buck his own kid, no no, obviously Eddie would baby trap himself the same way Buck did when he first met Chris about 7 years ago. Either way, I have so many ideas for this fic that I want to turn it into a series, but I needed to lay down the basic groundwork for it before I started adding one shots to it. Also, it has been SO MUCH FUN drawing this family dynamic!!! I’m excited to continue with this series and hopefully you guys will enjoy it too!

I think that my main takeaway from 2024 is to not be afraid to explore outside your comfort zone. If you would have asked me two years ago if I would have written outside the Star Wars fandom, I probably would have said never. However, I’ve learned that the most meaningful pieces that you create, whether it be a drawing or a written work, is something that holds value to what you love. It’s okay to expand out of what you’re known for because you can be defined more that just someone that writes for a specific fandom.

So, my advice to anyone who is new to Tumblr/AO3 going into 2024 and to those who maybe have been members for a while:

Create art that makes you happy.

And:

Don’t be afraid to be yourself.

Have a Happy and Safe Holiday Season (Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or an entirely different celebration!!!) and I hope you all have an awesome New Year!!!

With Love,

ThatGreyJedi

[apostaterevolutionary]

So veilguard thoughts. I have a couple topics about it I want to go into more detail on which will probably be posts of their own, but this is my kinda initial, not as brief as I originally planned lmao review. This will have spoilers

TL;DR: I consider the game to be notbad.png. I liked some things but I have some criticisms too. A lot of it is going to be up to personal taste, but for me it’s. Not bad. It’s better than inquisition but not as good as origins or DA2. It feels a lot like a midway point between inquisition and DA2 with a splash of ME2 for flavour. I don’t regret playing it and I am planning a second run, but I’m going to take a break first and not do it right away. Also my final hour count for a completionist run was 86 hours

So the structure of this review is going to be various aspects, a letter grade rating, and then a little paragraph or 2 explaining my thoughts. I’ll also say that my expectations going in were not super high. Really, all I wanted was for this game to not ruin the other games for me and make me regret ever getting into the series. Not a high bar lmao, but I’ve had things limbo under it before. This didn’t – and I think I’m going to move forward with the DA2 tattoo I’ve been thinking about for the last few years. But yeah. Back to veilguard. I just wanted to mention it cause I do think expectations matter when it comes to assessing how good something is for you personally. If you were expecting something different, you may feel differently

(This is 3.5k words! What the hell lmao. You’ve been warned though)

Overall story: B

I have some thoughts about the lore and like. How the world has been made smaller by tying absolutely everything back to the evanuris, but I think I’m going to do a separate post about that cause it’s kind of a topic in and of itself. But it’s a weird combo to have like. The plot is Big and Epic (a bit too much, imo) but the lore feels like it’s shrinking, which is strange. But ultimately the story isn’t bad. I predicted the Varric twist thanks to a movie I watched a few years ago that pulled similar tricks lmao, but there were still enough twists and turns to keep me interested. Solas was infuriating for most of it, which really annoyed me right up until the end because you actually do get to conquer him. And ngl it was really satisfying lmao. I chose the trick ending (though I did also try them all) and it did feel damn good honestly. Weisshaupt is absolutely peak though, that mission I loved (and second run will be as a warden for maximum suffering there skdlsdk). Those two parts were absolutely the highlights for me. Also the double dragon fight was actually pretty epic

Also there’s been a lot of talk of “sanitizing” the politics and while I do agree with that, I think it’s more… it feels like they skipped over a lot of the politics more than anything. Which I don’t love, but my like. Specialty in DA was a political topic lmao. If you’re really into elf lore and the more truly fantasy elements, you probably loved the focus here. Dwarf lore, you probably liked it a lot too. But me being a mage freedom expert, well, there was one side quest in Rivain (which I did really like tbf) and one codex letter from Dorian and that’s about it lmao. I wish they hadn’t skipped over so much of it, but I do think that may have been a response to fan criticism of how they handled things in the past. Which is like. Okay, yeah, you did fuck up a lot, but that doesn’t mean just give up on it you know. I played as a shadow dragon and even then, slavery in Tevinter is skipped over a lot. I feel like there was room for more of the political topics, which is the stuff I really like. I’ve seen some theories that it could be corporate meddling and that’s believable to me, but I think the real thing they wanted to make was a game that was as likeable as possible. They wanted to please everyone. The problem with that, though, is you can never please everyone and the result is never as good as it is when you just go for what you want. And I do get a bit of that feeling here. There is some lost potential

Rook: B

While I realize Rook is player controlled, so how you play may change your opinion, but I decided to play as a sort of discount Hawke, with that similarity being why Varric chose them for this. And that vibe really added some flavour to it. It also meant that I was using the aggressive/direct option for most of the game and I definitely do see the criticism that you can only be so mean in the game. And like. Yeah, this person was chosen for their heroism, but there was room for a renegade “whatever it takes” (what ended up being the quote in my game) kind of character, which I don’t think Rook is even at their most extreme. Though tbf I wouldn’t have played them like that and I did enjoy them overall, so I’m mostly happy with what we got. Apparently a lot of people don’t like the accent? But I do ngl, like I specifically recall enjoying it. Not as much flavour as Hawke, but who is ever going to have that honestly lmao

I do wish Rook had gone through some more personalized horrors (and I think I’m going to write a longer post about this too), but that’s a preference thing so I’ll touch on it another time. The faction choice could’ve had more to it but like. That’s consistent with other DA games so I’m not that fussed about it. Also character creator is incredible, though my brain was too small to understand how the make up worked lmao. Although why are the qunari hairlines Like That. I used the only qunari hairstyle with bangs sdkls

Combat: D-

I haaaaate the combat. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I did end up finding a way to make it work by playing on Keeper and using what I decided to call the ‘masterchief build’ (high health, archery main with heavy weakpoint boost – basically I played it as a shooter where I just headshotted absolutely everything whenever possible lmao), but playing as a rogue is a nightmare. I’ll be trying mage when I do my second run, so we’ll see how that goes but woof. There’s a tiktok a friend sent me that goes “This is supposed to be a fucking RPG, what role am I playing, the fucking victim???” and that was essentially my experience the whole way through sdklskd. The game could be heavily improved by making it so every little hit didn’t stop whatever you were doing (using an ability, pulling an arrow, literally just trying to move), like if you could really trade hits I think it would be so much better. Also no one say “oh you just don’t like action rpgs” – I played jedi survivor in september and it does action combat SO much better. And I think I’m going to go play it again soon cause veilguard just made me miss how fucking good the combat is there

I will say the dragon fights actually ended up being my fave though cause it’s like. Basically the same fight every time lmao so yay for that considering there’s a lot of them

Exploration: A-

I liked this part a lot – like I said, I played jedi survivor in september and loved it, so the more vertical exploration I liked. The jump was a bit clumsy, like the distance was always just barely in reach so there was a bit too much barely making it ledge grabbing to really feel smooth (and this is why I’m not giving it an A), but I liked exploring the world. I 100%’d all the chests and altars without much trouble and it didn’t feel like a chore (though idk if all the chests are worth it once you’ve settled on the stuff you’re using). The puzzles were surmountable but still required thought and effort most of the time. I liked the inventory and looting system too – inventory management vexes me greatly so I liked the simplified version of it and the cosmetic options were a huge plus too. The only real annoyance was like. The endgame chests all upgrading equipment I was not going to use, why couldn’t it be for the bow I’ve had equipped for the last 30 hours that still isn’t yellow rank lmao. I think it was just a chance thing but still. Oh also adding sprint was an EXCELLENT decision holy shit

Also the hossberg wetlands and dock town were my fave areas cause I love a (not) Fereldan shithole and a shitty city that feels so much like Kirkwall lmao

Companions: B+

I liked them a lot and their quests were kinda the highlight for me ngl. I’ve seen a lot of criticisms and like. I do agree that I wish they had a bit more bite. I wanted Lucanis to get mad at me for saving my home over his even though he can understand rationally why I would do that. Because people are irrational! Let them be irrational!!! He’s literally possessed by a demon of spite, where’s the fucking spite??? I did enjoy the bits of bickering we got from the companions, though I think there was room for more. I’m not saying we need to hit DA2 levels of petty sniping lmao but I do miss a little bit of bite. I do like the companions overall though and I like their stories – I liked the outing concept too, it makes things feel  a bit more intimate. Some of the story beats are a bit clumsy, like I’ve seen a lot of criticisms of Taash’s and I agree it’s clumsy, but also I respect the attempt? Like I can’t say it’s bad, because even though I’m too old to really relate to that storyline, I know someone out there is going to play this game and get hit really hard by it. And I think that’s important, even if it could’ve been executed better. Also the single best line of voice acting in the game imo is that scream when their mother dies so. Controversial take maybe lmao but I’m okay with it. I quite liked the companion arcs, sue me

Harding was the weakest for me but tbh I'm not sure if I just don't remember her from inqusition well, or if it's cause she got kinda shackled with lore dump duty, or if it's the voice acting, or just that kind of character not doing it for me. But she just felt... off to me, in a way. Idk. I don't hate her, but she would be the one I like the least if forced to choose

I do agree about the lack of romance content criticisms though. I went with Neve and while I like her a lot, the like. Amount of romance content was a bit lacking. Given she’s a bit reserved and hesitant about things, it could be a characterization choice, but I’ve seen the criticism a lot so I’m not sure if they’re all like that or not. I’ll have to see when I do my next run (romance undecided as of yet)

Also. This is related to the personalized horrors mentioned above, so I’m going to go more into it in a separate post later, but while I love the companions interacting with each other and the way Rook interacts with them, I wish there’d been a bit more of them being the ones to go to Rook? Like if there had’ve been some kind of really terrible act 2 personal angst for Rook (as mentioned above), like having the companions comfort them would’ve been nice. I liked the rescue from the fade prison, but I really would’ve loved just. Even a 10 second scene of everyone being so relieved and happy that Rook was back rather than immediately jumping to business (especially as apparently Rook was trapped for weeks???). It made things feel a bit one-sided. But yeah, I’ll go into that a bit more separately I think

(I guess I am just always seeking the mid-game emotional gut punch of All That Remains and its aftermath lmao)

Past characters: C

Now we already knew about the keep situation, which does still annoy me but it’s whatever. I don’t like it, and I don’t like how bioware is like ‘well it’s too hard now’ well yeah, but you chose this when you made the series about choices and how they mattered. Like sorry, that’s the selling point you gave us lmao. You’re kind of stuck with it unless you pull an elder scrolls and start having the games take place further apart (and controversial take: for all its flaws as a game, I liked the Andromeda solution to that. The idea of having it be removed in space and time but still connected. Maybe I’m the only one lmao but I liked that idea). But anyway, it seems we weren’t going to get the game otherwise so I can deal with it. The appearances we did get though… Morrigan was fine I guess, I do enjoy her.  Isabela was mostly just key jingling, which I don’t hate but was also meh. Dorian was good – I liked him. Though when it comes to key jingling, I strongly prefer codex key jingling. Like when I got a sword that represented Zevran – that was fun (also wild that he is the only origins companion other than Morrigan even referenced??? That I saw at least). Also would’ve liked literally any mention of the DA2 crew in addition to Isabela but it is what it is lmao. Even a codex referencing Hawke would’ve been fun

The one I didn’t like though was the inquisitor and the grade here would be higher if not for this part. Typically speaking, I’m not a fan of previous protagonists coming back, but Hawke in inquisition worked better imo. It’s a one and done. Varric asks nicely, so they show up, do the thing, and then head back to whatever they were doing (or die, but I didn’t do that lmao). The inquisitor though… I get that if you romanced Solas, it probably works well. But for my inquisitor? Mine retired imo lmao. She’s chilling. She feels no responsibility for Solas cause if your friend suddenly idk becomes a serial killer, that’s not your fault. So my inquisitor absolutely would not be doing All That. Also I don’t love that southern Thedas is just… completely fucked I guess??? Cause why would the gods worry about southern Thedas when they are in the north? Makes more sense to conquer the area you are in first, send every troop in your arsenal there, not some other place. They can control the blight, why send it down there, where you are not? And they ruled as tyrants for centuries, foiled Solas for ages, so clearly they have some strategic skill and thus it makes more sense for them to focus fully on where they are and get that area fully conquered before moving on. These aren’t stupid villains, or at least they’re not presented as such, so they shouldn’t be doing something stupid like that. I get it’s to raise the stakes of the story, but I feel like the stakes were already more than high enough given all that’s going on in the north. Hasn’t Ferelden been through enough??? So idk, maybe the inquisitor showed up the first time and then retired to get drunk at 9 am every day and wrote a bunch of fake letters so Rook didn’t bother them further lmao. Or maybe those letters were more hallucinations from Solas. I didn’t like that part so I’m going to be headcanoning around it I think

(Also not me always thinking like. Hmm where the hell am I going to put handers during all this so they can have some damn peace lmao)

Overall structure: B-

(Rereading this I realized I ranked it B- and then just complained the whole time lmao but really, I do think it’s overall ‘fine’. There’s a few choices I don’t personally like but I liked the side quests and the main quest progression for the most part so. The criticisms below are still criticisms I have but they’re not enough to knock it down below a B-)

Ngl I’m not a fan of when main quests lock you out of side quests without warning (or like. If you accept a quest to go kill this entire town, obviously no more quests are going to happen there – I’m fine with that). I know it’s a common thing in mass effect, but that’s always been my least favourite part of ME, so I didn’t love that it was here too. Though tbf I don’t know if it’s like. Do all main quests do that? Or just certain ones? I played too early to have a guide so I just erred on the side of caution and did all side/companion stuff first. Which is fine, but I prefer to have the freedom to do what I want, when I want. You can smell the ME2 on it though lmao, like it was pretty obvious what they were doing. I do think it was less frustrating than in ME though cause like. You can just not do the main quests until you’ve cleared out the rest, whereas ME will just surprise you with big main missions at certain times so you have to think further ahead. Ultimately it wasn’t a dealbreaker, but it’s not my favourite kind of way for quests to work

I’m also not a big fan of like. The suicide mission concept in general. Some people like it and that’s fine – it’s a personal preference. But I won’t lie, I looked up the correct people to send where. I did that when I played ME2 too and I don’t feel any shame about it – that kind of thing just doesn’t do it for me personally. I don’t enjoy that kind of tension cause I just get mad and reload if I fuck it up lmao cause how tf was I supposed to know the correct answers. It was nice and easy to get all the factions up to full strength though so that was nice. Like it didn’t require extra effort really, you can do it just by playing the game fully and being slightly strategic with selling items. Which is a huge improvement on the original ME3 conditions but that’s a completely different topic lmao

Something bothers me about the Harding/Davrin choice but I’m not sure if that’s me being sad that a companion died or if it’s actually a valid complaint lmao so I’ll let that percolate a bit. Like why is it one of those two specifically? I understand a death was needed for the regret prison concept to work but idk, the choices just rub me the wrong way. But would I be less bothered if it was someone else? Is the bothered I’m feeling actually cause there’s something iffy about the choice or is it just the intended effect? I haven’t decided yet. I’ll have to sit with it for a bit I think. I did know it was coming, that’s one thing I was spoiled on, and while I’m kinda glad I knew I do wonder how I’d feel about it if I hadn’t

Final Verdict

So yeah. I liked a lot but I have criticisms too. I’ve seen a lot of people call it a 7/10 game and tbh I think I agree with that. But that’s also not a bad thing? It didn’t permanently alter my brain chemistry like the first 2 did but tbf that’s an extremely rare thing lmao. It’s okay for a game to be fun and a good time and one I will play again but not right this second and that’s all. Like that’s okay imo. Not every game has to be 10/10, ‘this has changed the way I think forever and ever’. It would be exhausting if they were (and hell, DA2 is probably my favourite game of all time and I can’t even call it a true 10/10 no matter how much I love it). Maybe it’s a bit of a let down to some given the 10 year wait but ngl I feel… relieved. That’s the only word for it. I experienced it. I had fun. I have criticisms but it didn’t ruin the entire franchise. I don’t regret playing it or paying for it. I will play it again. It’s simply notbad.png. There’s nothing wrong with that outcome. It did make me think of DA2 again lmao, even though I literally just replayed it recently, but that’s just how my brain is I guess. Whatever the hell they put in DA2 will be a high I will be chasing for the rest of my life I think

I’m not sure what else to say now. I do hope it’s successful so bioware can continue to exist. Overall, I liked it, but it has its issues and it’s missing that special sauce to really make it incredible. And that’s an okay thing. Yes, I have criticisms, but I also had a good time and I’m sure I will again when I do a second run. And in the end, I think that’s all I can really ask for

[calocera]

some predictions for the new stex bc i’m thinking about it a lot:

finally a purple character. i just think it’s weird how there hasn’t been ANY

major overhaul of gb and dinah’s relationship. this is more of a hope than a prediction bc if it stays the way it is that’ll be baaaaad. my prediction is that they’ll start as friends and end up as a couple at the end rather than breaking up and getting back together

adding an actual song for the “nationals” or whatever the new trains are going to be called.

conversely they are going to try to minimize them as much as possible, cutting the national entry

they/them electra (kinda a given, but i think it’ll be brought up somehow in dialogue)

i think they will bring back some sort of costume change for rusty after starlight sequence a la broadway

without a cb character idk how they will have the races make sense (like in the new london) so i assume there will either be a whole new character that serves the same purpose as him, or greaseball/electra will somehow take over his roll in race sabotaging just without an accomplice

off of that, i’ve heard people say oil slick or porter could be the new cb, i also think it could be tassita! the not-main character coaches have not had anything to do in the new bochum production (which i feel like is where most of the inspiration is coming from) so having a coach be villainous would give them something to do in the narrative. at the same time gary sheridan is in the cast but not listed as to who they will be playing, i could see them coming back as cb and it just hasn’t been announced yet (they covered for him often)

i think they will stick with the new bochum costuming for the main cast, but i personally am hoping the costumes are entirely different. i am thinking they might do blonde gb so the blonde & black haired dynamic with dinah is kept (since i think they’ll be going with the black dinah wig) i hope they go back to pink pearl but idk

the casting call listed more than just roller skates so EITHER the trax roll will be expanded OR the different types of train will use different types of skates

more a want than a prediction, but i hope they lean more into the toy aspect of the show. personally i find it very underutilized

they are going to either bring back the vegas style projections (they said projections will be used a lot) OR they will use projection tech to create a more fleshed out set for the different scenes. stuff like desertscapes for the races and indications of the time of day.

if the rockies aren’t going to be in the show i still think right place right time will be included, just sung by someone else. it’s one of the only songs in the show to never get changes, so i think it’s be crazy to completely remove it

i’ve always thought there’s been a big hole in the show after race one since there’s me was cut, so i think they’ll add a new dinah centric song there, i could also see them moving i got me somewhere around this point (or in place of girls rolling stock) because it just makes more sense in those places than where it currently is in the show

[ninadove]

Nina spins you around in my head do you have any narratives you are currently joyfully exploring!! Which one brings you the most excitement in the moment? Right now there is a girl in her room and she is thinking of so many narratives... 💖💖🕊️

GRAY I adore this question and I adore YOU 💚💚💚💚

I just finished re-reading one of my favourite books, The Shadow of Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafón, which retells the story of a cursed book and of the young boy who tries to uncover what happened to its author. So I am thinking extra hard about stories within stories, what makes a monster, and most importantly how a character can escape their narrative.

… I am so predictable.

But!!! This is excellent in terms of writing!!! I have a confrontation coming up in Glitter and Gold that is heavily inspired by the fairy tale throwdown between princes and dragons. I am motivated to work on the Dog and Fox AU again and I’ve been editing Shadow Strike. The monster aspect in particular makes me want to get started on my Black Cat Kagami AU, which I should not do right now because I have far too many WIPs already, but the idea is here and it won’t leave me alone —

The one that’s been sneaking up on me more and more is an AU @paracosmicat got started on a while back, where Felix and Adrien end up trapped in Bunnyx’s Burrow and are forced to revisit their memories. I really really want to make something out of this one. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. ARGH.

WHAT ABOUT YOU GRAY? TELL ME EVERYTHING.

[always-is-always]

bts enlistment...

This post grew from feeling compelled to comment, and offer support to one of my peeps, here.  I was typing away under the post, and it turned into a thing, as I let the words flow.  

So... like @irishhorse-blog , this is my opinion, and mine to bear.  It’s not up for any debate.  This is not coming from any place of judgement at all.  

When people are forced to enlist in a military, it is life-altering in ways that cannot be predicted, on every level.  Everything changes.  Freedom is taken away, and a person is forced to comply with a way of living, behaving, thinking, and Being that is completely different from life outside of that military.  Pick any country in the world, and it is the same in their military.  

When a person is forced to enlist, their basic Human Right to make choices for themself is taken away.  A way of life is imposed, that requires that person to alter their most innate Self and to become what they are taught they must become.  (I’ll stop here, with this particular part of this post, as it is a VERY deep subject that isn’t pleasant.)   My bestie is a Veteran of two recent wars.  She would agree with my words above, as well as with the post that I’ve referenced from @irishhorse-blog.  She went in by choice, and that is a whole different type of experience. She was a bad-ass paratrooper, and jumped out of more airplanes than one can imagine. She’s seen first hand what war is, and what it does to Human Beings. It left her with a host of physical challenges, ptsd, and other things that we can never understand as civilians, yet she doesn’t regret the choice.  

I have friends in Israel, where both men and women have to serve in their military for two years.  It is just a part of their lives in their country, just as it is in Korea.  Yet, it is very different when the people don’t have a choice to serve.

Two years is a long time.  Even at the shortest duration of 18 months, it is a long time to put one’s “regular” life on hold.... To be separated from family, friends, lovers...  And, it being forced, and not by choice. 

There’s an energy that comes with enlistment that is one of enforcing compliance upon a human being.  It’s like a huge thumb pressing down upon a person’s Crown chakra (if you get the visual).  That’s what I am seeing in Hobi and Jin’s energy fields now. You can see it on their faces.  It is subtle, yet there all the same.  

The other thing that just literally dropped into my mind as I type is this very profound thought:  These young men are going to enlist in the military where they will be taught to strictly follow orders, AND where they will be taught how to use firearms, and how to kill another human being.  Yeah.  Let that sink in...

Humans aren’t born with the ability or desire to kill one another.  It is learned behaviour for most, and in more rare situations it is learned (taken on) for pure survival.  It goes against the very Nature of a Human Being to have to take the life of another, on purpose.  That in itself creates deep trauma, within the person who pulls the trigger... 

Humans have been at war for thousands of years.  At this point on Earth’s Timeline, it has become a business, with a whole industry built around it.  There are people who have made more money than all of us put together, in one war.  It is the real reason why countries never really quite stop, and never quite establish peace.  It’s big business, unfortunately.

There are so many levels and aspects to this subject.  I dare not attempt to go much further with this as I’m not a wordsmith, and it would become a very very long post.  I’ll begin to bring this to a close. 

Again, as I’ve been writing this and thinking about these things, it has become much clearer that Seokjin, Hoseok, Yoongi, Namjoon, Taehyung, Jimin and Jungkook will be changed at the core level, during their enlistment.  The version of them that we are familiar with and love will cease to be.  The men who return on the other side may seem to be the same, outwardly..... yet the truth is that they will be navigating from a new place, within their psyches, and in their understanding of the world.  I pray that their Souls remain intact. The most we can hope for is that they choose to rejoin and begin to make music together again.  They will probably need the healing that music can bring to them, as they re-adjust to life after the military.    

As ARMY, the best things that we can do for them is to hold Space for them, and to send them Love throughout their enlistment. It will be hard to wait for them, yet it is the Promise that we have made.  We will be there for them, on the other side.  With open Hearts and open arms.  💜

[mephinomaly]

[TL] PYSCHOBREAK/Chapter 6

[ This post uses Ois~su ♪ ]

Time: That day at night

Location: In a training room in ES

Rei: Wanko~♪ Do you want the ball~?

Go fetch~ ☆

Koga 2: Ruff ruuuffffff ☆

Adonis 2: …(Fidgeting around like he wants to play too.)

Rei: Kukuku. He looks human but in reality he’s a newborn baby, such an adorable thing ♪

Kaoru: You get on surprisingly well with the fakes which is pretty good.

—But is that really a good thing, Rei-kun?

Rei: Okay, it’s Adonis-kun's turn now ♪ Why don’t you try to catch this piece of string? You can build up physical strength whilst having fun, isn’t that the best?

Adonis 2: ...♪

Kaoru: I’m happy you’re getting on but hey, are you listening? Can you not ignore me please?

Rei: Of course of course. I will never again allow my gaze to be ripped away from my beloved children who adore me.

Kaoru: Who adores who, did you say?

Rei: —I’ve been thinking.

Kaoru: Hm?

Rei: No matter how much I desire it, I can never be an omnipotent, benevolent god. I suppose that’s clear as I could not predict this situation unfolding.

However, I am slightly older than you all, and it is not as if I spent all my time overseas playing around.

I’m just a tiny bit more experienced onii-chan than you all.

Kaoru: What are you trying to say? You just want to brag about being older? Or do you hate being seen as an old hag?[1] Is this a type of power harassment?

Rei: Kukuku. It’s weird for me not to, Kaoru-kun. Well, there’s nothing I can do in this situation.

We must keep our minds as tranquil as a mountain peak. If our juniors see us seniors fumble, it will create anxiety for them.

Kaoru: Uhuh. Being a senpai is hard work.

So? What are you thinking about?

Rei: Umu. I have no evidence regarding this, all I can do is make guesses on the sequence of events that brought us into this and why it even began to start with.

I have an overall understanding of this situation.

In other words, we now know the truth behind this mysterious set of circumstances.

Kaoru: Wa～, well done! You’re an amazing detective ♪

Rei: Kaoru-kun could have guessed it as well. You are the son of a wise scholar after all.

However, you are a pragmatic child. This case is a bit of an anomaly, and contains unrealistic aspects.

Kaoru: Unrealistic, hm… Ah, I guess that describes it well.

Rei: Umu. Now the question is; how do we escape this situation?

You will understand this analogy, but we are in a locked room. There is only one exit and entrance, and a specific key is required to open them.

However, the key is hidden amongst an endless amount of objects scattered around said room.

Kaoru: It’s like a super difficult ‘escape the room’ game.

Rei: There aren’t any hints though. Unfortunately, there is not enough time to carefully examine each and every item in the room in order to find the key.

We must somehow escape, before the reality we live in warps and breaks down.

Kaoru: Since it’s you, I’m sure you’ve come up with a way to get us out of here. I say that half jokingly ♪

Rei: Umu. I must respond if someone asks something of me, as superstar Rei Sakuma-senpai.

—There is one thing I want to do.

However, it is a dangerous gamble. I am concerned that there may be burdens on the mind and body, primarily on the brain.

Kaoru: Don’t you dare say something all stand-offish like “so that's why I’ll handle it by myself.” If UNDEAD has a problem, then it’s all of our problem. We should share that burden together.

Rei: Kukuku. That’s something old Kaoru-kun would never have said. Now we have been reminded of our past selves, those words deeply move me.

Kaoru: Don’t make fun of me. So, what’s this thing you want to do?

What should we do to get out of this weird situation?

Rei: We need to dream.

When I investigated the AIIE experiment facilities the other day, I happened upon the machines we were connected to, the manuals on how to operate them, and the drugs we were prescribed.

As one could expect, the manuals contained a lot of technical lingo, but with help from a family member who is good at those sorts of things, I was able to come to grips with how it works.

Therefore, if we desire so, we can dream of those days once again.

Visit the memories of when Deadmanz disappeared, and us, UNDEAD, arose.

I suspect our answers will be there.

Kaoru: It’s embarrassing to see me back then being so uptight, but if there’s nothing else we can do, I suppose I can comply.

Rei: Kaoru-kun is still an inexperienced cute boy, hm? I am but a lump of shame.

You may be ashamed of your past self now, but in ten years you may feel the same about your current self.

Let’s do everything in our power now so we do not regret anything in the future.

Will you help me, Kaoru-kun?

Kaoru: Of course I will. I’ve said this a lot already, but this is all of our problem.

Rei: Wonderful… This is also just a guess, but I believe I am the cause behind everything.

Seeds from the past left unwatered grow out of spite. I must reap what I sow, before they can grow anymore.

So this doesn’t happen again. So that I don’t lose anyone again.

[ ☆ ]

Kaoru says 年齢マウント. Not sure if we have a word like that in english but it’s when the eldest of a group of girls (whether idols or just friendship groups) is seen as an old woman despite only being slightly older than the others

Chapter 5

Chapter 7

[mamingle]

how do you feel about the latest aqw main story release?

(hey sorry I know you were probably referring to a previous main story release prior to the Shadowflame arc but I already played through the finale so that's what I'm gonna be focusing on for this post jaskldjsa I HAVEN'T PLAYED THROUGH THE NEXT ARC I'M SORRY I'M TOO UNDERPOWERED)

I'll admit, the Shadowflame arc didn't exactly appeal to me at first because of how weird Malgor's introduction felt, but as the story went on and we get more and more hints of what the story has in store, everything just clicked and I am HYPED to see how the next story arcs are gonna go :D

(Also it probably helped that Eclissy’s the one in charge with writing the finale and I’ve been a fan of her work since I was pretty new to the AE fandom so sdjlkasjd)

BUT YEAH, Malgor having a direct connection with the player is honestly predictable, and I can't ignore the whole 'QoM gets killed deus ex machina style' plot hole, which to be fair, our player character IS KIND OF A LIVING EMBODIMENT OF NGL

(plus I'm pretty sure they just did this because she was shown to be too OP at that point in the story and too many things are going around at the same time for them to come up with a cohesive narrative *ehem* CUT CONTENT *ehem*)

However, the execution made the reveal all the more worth it for me since the new writing style meant that there's less time to fuck around and more time to focus on the meatier parts of the story (something this saga DESPERATELY NEEDED after the whole cut content fiasco).

And the lore!!! THE GLORIOUS LORE!!! I knew there had to be a reason why the primordial gods of the in-game universe seem so distant when compared to the Avatars and the other members of Lore's pantheon! It also helped that the finale has strengthened a lot of the headcanons I had for my own fanfic + solidified a lot of Ezyra's backstory elements, so now I'm more comfortable tackling that aspect of the story lol

Overall, I was pretty satisfied with the Shadowflame arc, and now I'm HYPED for the next releases! I think AQW's story is in good hands :D

[manysmallhands]

Top 10 Albums of 2023!

This was all supposed to work out differently. As i recall from the now long distant past, my original plan was to do a countdown where i put up one post a day throughout December. However, I got Covid on December 1st and that plan immediately became lame and useless. After that, my assumption was basically that i wouldn't be able to do any of this, but i got better more quickly than i'd anticipated and found myself working on these reviews in bits as the month has gone on. So, having rushed through all the the song blurbs that i wanted to do, here i am on New Year's Eve with a more or less finished Top 10 albums to put up.

The only problem is that there are ten quite lengthy reviews here and the vibe is already pretty tl:dr. But tbh that's fine: there really is only my girlfriend who ever reads everything (and i believe her, trust is what love is all about after all) so for anyone looking at this and thinking blimey, that's a lot of text, my advice is: you don't have to read any of it. Just look at the albums, scan thru to see if it sounds like something you might like and give one or two of them a listen if that looks like the case. The words are really just to keep me occupied but i'd like to hope that someone likes some of the records.

I said yesterday that i would reveal what the best one is and so I am now delivering on that important promise. The best one is Scarlet by Doja Cat. Anyone who follows me on whatever platform already knows that the best one is Scarlet by Doja Cat. Don't make me say it again.

Barbie - The Album

Few people have seemed much interested in the Barbie soundtrack, other than the punters who kept it atop the compilations chart for four months. I, as ever, channel the spirit of the populous. The sound is basically 80s synth pop updated for a modern audience  - the likes of Haim and Ava Max slot in predictably well - but its the extra dimensions created by how the artists interact with the film that provide some of its more interesting aspects. Sam Smith’s Man I Am reflects a surprisingly LGBTQ Ken despite protestations (certainly its "I'm not gay bro, but..." T-shirt is prompting a lot of questions already answered by the shirt), while Billie Eilish dwelling on life as a manufactured product makes for interesting and uncomfortable parallels in What Was I Made For. Mark Ronson’s plasticky production suits its subject to a tee, further cementing the conceptual unity of the project.

Star turns abound throughout the album as A-listers like Dua Lipa and Lizzo bring their best games alongside some terrific and unlikely downcard cameos. What Was I Made For? and Dance The Night were both deserved #1s, but the pacey pop punk of GAYLE’s Butterflies and Dominic Fike’s breezy, hook laden Hey Blondie are as much highlights as any of the bigger names here. Special mention should be made for Ryan Gosling’s I’m Just Ken, a blockbuster 70s rock number that, whilst puncturing the wider stylistic template, is batshit and hilarious enough to more than justify its place as well as netting him a surprise hit too. The quality lapses once or twice (Tame Impala in particular are bloody awful) but by the time Ava fires the final laser I’m generally happy to go back and start all over again. With banger after banger here, my verdict is in: the Barbie soundtrack is *Charli voice* HOT!

Claire Rosinkranz - Just Because

While this has been a year that I’ve gotten more fully into pop, it took a while for me to find many new albums that I’ve been interested in. This may partly be to do with me clinging to an idea that LPs ought to be substantial beyond having good hooks and charm. In truth, all I needed to do was revert to my indiepop training, where bands have never knowingly been fussed about having any great weightiness. But even so, it took Just Because to make it clear to me that no, you really don’t need any grand vision at all: a high number of great if frothy pop songs will do just fine. It’s a record which bounces from banger to banger in an endearingly sunny style, with each tune so catchy that their lightness becomes a strength rather than a weakness.

Rosinkranz’s voice seems to mark her out as one of the many Billie clones who populate the current pop scene but her musical ambitions are both simpler and more instantly engaging. Not yet 20, her songs have an element of schoolyard whispers which add a welcome silliness here and there, but she also plays with the intensity of youthful emotions to make them a little heartrending even as she goofs off. Highlights include Dreamer, a break up song where the vocal makes it clear that she’s far from as done as she says she is, and Wes Anderson, which offers some sombre advice but packages it in a song so sweet that you’d never know. But in spite of all this it makes no end of year lists (well, maybe just the one), being merely a lovable set of songs that are very hard to forget. Need it be more? I don't believe so.

Doja Cat - Scarlet

Mired in discourse throughout the year, Doja Cat still found time to make a chart topping single (Paint The Town Red) that took the world by storm and a cracking album which, sadly, did not. Scarlet was in my opinion the better of the two: largely ditching the afrobeat pop of Planet Her, Doja staked her claim as an old skool rapper and brought it off pretty well, mixing hard rhyming with her more scattershot pop delivery and sounding entirely comfortable wherever she landed. While flitting musically between modern RnB and neo-soul grooves, her subject matter was largely taken up by how much she hated her fans, a bold strategy that found her shedding support even as blistering tracks like Fuck The Girls shaped up as some of my favourites of the year.

Whilst I’ve found myself uncomfortable with both the company that she keeps and the views which she may or may not subscribe to (i feel safe in saying that she's a right wing edgelord but i suspect that’s the least of it), Scarlet is such a good album that I’ve found myself, if not making excuses for her, then at least deftly navigating around my distaste in order to keep listening to it. While Agora Hills often reminded me how serious she is about her scumbag of a boyfriend, it’s still a song that can submerge me in its beauty entirely; while some of the complaints from her online audience are less easily dismissed than others, it’s more comfortable just to think about the morons calling her a devil worshiper, especially when she mocks them so wickedly on the elegant Skull And Bones. Am I the problem? Maybe I am: it’s a place I often find myself in with hip hop, where faves are frequently problematic and exceptions beg to be made. As such, I can not wholeheartedly recommend this record to people who might want to take a principled stand against some of her bullshit. I can only say that, as a musical talent, there was no one better all year.

Lana Del Rey - Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Boulevard?

After 2021’s fairly middling brace of albums, Did You Know That There’s A Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd always felt like it was going to be a return to form and this time the faithful were not disappointed. It was another epic and sprawling record which unfolded like a cross between The Bible and a 50s musical. While changeable in style, ranging from hammy country ballads to trap beats and beyond, the thing that springs to mind most often is the Great American Songbook, as Lana takes the melodramatic grandeur of those standards and soaks them in her own messy and complicated worldview. This draws in family, romance, the future, her relationship with religion and how it all scrappily fits together, ranging widely and wildly across 75 extraordinary minutes.

Much of the album feels like it’s being broadcast from a kind of dreamworld, although one that overlays with reality neatly enough. Lana’s dismissive “if you want some basic bitch go to the Beverly Centre and find her” line undercuts the mood on the otherwise lush and evocative Sweet but the impact is hilarious rather than jarring, a perfect marriage of the strange and mundane. In contrast, the brooding A&W initially brings that realism to a far more uncomfortable level, before goofing off wonderfully in the second half in a way that only Lana ever really dares to do. Much of the record feels like it's creating its own language, as key phrases (“let the light in”, “when you know, you know”) are repeated and musical themes come back around in strange modulations. All in all, while perhaps less satisfying as a pop record than Norman Fucking Rockwell, Did You Know… feels like her most complete statement on a personal level yet, whilst still working well within the broader world that she’s spent over a decade constructing.

Mitski - The Land Is Inhospitable And So Are We

Despite liking the odd song or two, I have until now been largely immune to Mitski over the full length of an album. But The Land Is Inhospitable And So Are We has a much more organic sound than I’m used to hearing from her, well adrift from the polished guitar rock of her big 10s records. Instead, it takes many of its cues from classic folk and country, occasionally lush and expansive, often determinedly sombre but always at a distance from the areas where she’s generally been at home. Opener Bug Like An Angel is a brooding scene setter, where Mitski unveils the terse and grumpy presence we will grow familiar with over the next half hour. The main elements of the album are already in place - the spare instrumentation; Mitski’s extraordinary voice, hard and intransigent but still full of yearning; the occasional, overwhelming interjections from the wings. It all creates a distinctive atmosphere, extremely intense but intimate too: we’re allowed into Mitski’s world but there’s a lot to take in.

Lyrically, the songs are both heavily allusive and extremely personal, like hearing ancient parables told by the characters from the story. Surprise hit My Love Mine All Mine seems to sit apart as a relatively standard love song but a closer listen reveals deeper layers; the placing of her love as something independent from its object makes it feel more of a piece with the album’s other enigmas. At a time where Mitski seemed to be cooling on being a rock star, The Land Is Inhospitable adds a new twist to her long musical journey, seemingly presenting a more intimate portrait while in fact retaining most of her essential mystery. As an album, it really is quite something: what that is I’m less certain of but I like it regardless.

Olivia Rodrigo - Guts

Tho I wouldn't have called myself a hater (I don’t think I would have been bothered enough), I don't really like Olivia’s all conquering debut Sour, which I thought a bit too one-note and overpopulated with slushy ballads. But by the time Guts came around I was open to listening again, drawn in by its excellent singles and primed for a different experience. Vampire, the best of them and more or less of this year, was a fantastic example of taking something that Olivia is clearly very accomplished at (the grand piano lament) and then, rather than running that into the ground, instead using it as a springboard for an entirely different idea. Get Him Back and Bad Idea Right hark back to earlier guitar based tracks like Brutal, but on Guts they form a much more substantive part of the album, cementing its brand of addictive pop grunge and working up a much goofier version of her messy teen persona.

Elsewhere, the ballads did in fact return. Some have speculated that this may have been a bad idea (right?) but for me they’ve been growers, particularly the likes of Lacy and The Grudge, where Olivia explores the bitterness of youth and uses it to tear holes in the people who’ve wronged her. But if I’m honest, it’s the rockers that I’m usually waiting for: whether the new wave pastiche of Love Is Embarrassing or autumnal Cure homage Pretty Isn’t Pretty, each one feels like a mini-revelation and it’s the style that I hope she leans on most in the future.

Palehound - Eye On The Bat 

Palehound have been around for a while now and every so often I’ve given their records a try and haven't really managed to connect with them properly. Eye on the Bat has been the first exception, though whether that's because it’s any better than the others or I just made more of an effort with it I don’t know. Its template is certainly well worn in the indie world - country rock with varying degrees of aggression or melodic sweetness - but there’s still a lot here that grabs my attention, especially in the charming indie pop of the title track and the heart-rending melancholy of Route 22.

But the thing that caught my ear the most was Ellen Kempner’s disarming honesty, with much of the album spent documenting what sounds like a deeply messy break up. Whether she’s bitterly picking through the fall out on Independence Day or remembering some hilariously embarrassing bedroom scene on opener Good Sex, Eye On The Bat's almost diaristic view is mesmerising throughout, making you warm to Kempner even as she works thru some of her own worst traits. And aside from anything else, her understanding of relationships underlines her strengths as a lyricist, as she dissects their complexities with wit, sympathy and occasional anger to capture all the stuff that transcends whatever we were hoping for in the first place.

Poppy - Zig

After the wild ride that commenced with 2020’s extraordinary pop/metal mash up I Disagree, Poppy has journeyed thru indie rock, goth and punk to wind up back where she started, only not quite. Zig may represent a return to pop - indeed it’s produced by Weeknd affiliate Ali Payami - but it’s one that’s filtered thru all of the places she stopped off along the way.

The crepuscular grind of Church Outfit and Knockoff sound like more danceable versions of the I Disagree sound, while the crunching title track suggests that she can still go as hard as ever. But there are nods to a lighter side here as well, particularly in the strong trio that wind up the album: The Attic recasts her sound in a euphoric drum n bass clatter whilst closer Prove It kicks up a remarkable blend of manic hyperpop and gentle electro-balladry, whilst still working in the rich emotional palette that she’s developed in recent years.

In one sense this is a huge departure from the frenetic punk of last year’s Stagger EP but the vibes here stake out territory that you’d still find oddly familiar. Some of the gothy ballads are less immediate than other songs but nothing on Zig is boring, just varying refinements on her ever evolving musical journey. The critics were split, occasionally rattled and sometimes just plain baffled, but that’s only to be expected by now. Poppy follows her own plan and rarely sticks to the same tune: in truth it’s a privilege just to be a witness to the chaos.

Sweeping Promises - Good Living Is Coming For You

One thing that I find missing in a lot of modern guitar based music is snappy songs with good catchy hooks. While Sweeping Promises appear to place their focus elsewhere - their high concept sound is best understood as someone broadcasting direct from 1979 through a wristwatch speaker - their second album still finds time to deliver fully on the tunes. Good Living Is Coming To You is steeped in bubblegum melodies and memorable choruses, with songs that become earworms before you’ve even registered how catchy they are. 

More than anything, it's dominated by Lira Mondal’s imperious vocals: whether it’s in the cascading harmonies of Throw Of The Dice, the fierce yells and hisses that close out the title track or her sweet voiced switch-outs on Ideal No, her character springs out of every song in a way that few singers ever really manage to impose. While you might think that the post punk era has been mined to death by now, Sweeping Promises drag new life into it by going back further: their sound may be heavily rooted in a specific moment but the elements of songcraft often have more in common with 60s girl group classics than gnarled art rockers. Ten bangers and no filler: Good Living Is Coming For You is everything I wanted from it and more.

Wednesday - Rat Saw God

While the queasy vibes of 2021’s Twin Plagues are still high in the mix here, it was the welcome injection of melody on Wednesday's third album that managed to alert the media. That lightness was more apparent in Karly Hartzman's lyrics than you might notice on a passing listen too: though often praised for her grimly amusing takes on middle American backwaters, the key to them was her deceptively soft touch, casting a sympathetic eye over grisly scenes even as she retained their gnarlier undertones.

Single Chosen To Deserve, with its crunching chorus and heartwarming romantic turnaround, feels like the designated big moment from the record but in reality Rat Saw God has an embarrassment of riches. Quarry in particular, with its Waterloo Sunset-esque signature and matter-of-fact dissection of grim local gossip, is an almost pop version of the most haunting aspects of Hartzman's craft, while the washed out bounce of closer TV in the Gas Pump pitches a lonelier scene in a similarly gorgeous manner.

This is not to forget that Wedneday can still rock extremely hard when they want to, especially on the brutal 8 minute Bull Believer, an ambitious multipart epic that ends with Hartzman screaming “FINISH HIM!!!” repeatedly over the chaotic finale. But while Rat Saw God brought this kind of sawtoothed sound back to widespread acclaim, its real trick was how it sugared the pill just enough to get it past even the most determinedly sweet tooth.

[timeagainreviews]

The Eve of the 60th Anniversary-ish

My ability to name things isn’t the best. I overthink and end up with a five-year-old blog called “Time and Time Again.” Terrible name. “I should change it,” I’ve said for five years. Well, I am going to do just that. But in the meantime, I need to find a name for this type of article. As is tradition around here, I like to write a short article about my predictions, expectations- nay, hopes for the incoming series or era of Doctor Who. I usually label them as “Thoughts Leading Up to…” which is fine. But is there a word or phrase out there that says it succinctly? A sort of Whatchamacallit, Marsupilami, Raxacoricofallapatorius? If I do find a better name for this series, do I call it part five or part one? Davies is calling season 14 “Season 1.” Why can’t I?

In considering a new name, I have decided to return to the very first article of this type- “The Eve of the Thirteenth.” So from now on, I’m calling this my “Eve of Series.” Hopefully, you’re reading this article on the Eve of the 60th Anniversary special “The Star Beast.” Or you’re way late to the game and it’s August. In that case, enjoy your view from Hindsight Bias Tower, as you laugh at my fatuous forecasts or marvel at my prognostic aptitude. So in no particular order, here’s a list of some shit I’ve been thinking about.

RTD2

Where else to start but the man himself? And what a controversial man he’s been (especially this week!) Not five minutes into the new RTD era and we’ve already had a massive retcon in the form of Davros. While, the discourse on this situation has been its usual abysmal self,  I expect this to be par for the course. From Chibnall stans hoping their aggressors end up with egg on their faces to the far worse transphobes and ableists decrying every decision thus far, Davies is right there in the centre of it. Pushing people’s buttons. He seems like a man on a mission and if I had to guess, it is to shake the cobwebs out of our collective Doctor Who-themed sheets and duvets. 

Davies has a monumental task ahead of him. Make something both the Chibnall stans and his haters would like to watch. He could ignore the haters, but they help keep the lights on. And just as important, you don’t want to alienate the people who have enjoyed the show for the last five years. In many people’s eyes, mine included, Chibnall left a broken show in his wake. It’s my opinion that Russell T Davies plans to break it further. I’ve thought about this a lot lately, and I think it may be time for us as a fandom to question why the Doctor has so many rules. Because let’s be honest, Doctor Who’s canon is a mess and it barely matters. Why not embrace that? You think the Cushing movies and the Past Doctor Adventure books are canon? Sure, why not. You still incorporate the Faction Paradox into your version of Doctor Who? Go for it. We all have our own version of Doctor Who, why not embrace that?

The Whoniverse

Considering the popularity of muti-verses in media right now (get ready for multi-verse fatigue) it makes sense that this new Whoniverse may start embracing the many directions Doctor Who branches. This is an opportunity to explore different avenues of the Whoniverse while simultaneously fueling the ever-ravenous Mouse’s need for Content™. In other words, Doccy Who is about to get crammed down our throats like nobody’s business. If you’ve ever had someone’s business down your throat, it can be nice but can also wear out its welcome. Short breaks help.

If you’ve read this blog, you’ll know I’m a rainy-day fan. I’m here for the long haul. I am not so much worried about overexposure to Doctor Who as I am the diluting of story. So long as the stories are good, I’m happy. So far, the Whoniverse has extended in the form of “Tales of the Tardis,” a sort of saccharine introduction to classic Doctor Who for beginners than an actual series in its own right. But in its short span, this unassuming nostalgia trip introduced us to an aspect that may just be integral to the Whoniverse at large. When Ace notes the Seventh Doctor’s older appearance he replies- “Timestreams are funny things. In some, I regenerate. In others, I don’t.”

Every time Data returns to Star Trek, we have to ignore the fact that Brent Spiner is ageing. Why does the Second Doctor have grey hair in “The Two Doctors?” These issues have bogged Doctor Who down for its entire run. It’s a rigid aspect of an otherwise malleable narrative. Not only does this dialogue explain the ageing appearances of Doctors, but it also gives writers carte blanche to do as they like. In this way, the Sixth Doctor gets a better costume. The Seventh Doctor has grey hair. And Davros has always walked. It’s a show about time travel and we as fans keep treating it like we’re the Time Lords. Time travel should be weird and confusing. As the Eleventh Doctor said- time travel is damage. Perhaps the Whoniverse will allow us to see some of that damage in its own time.

Fourteen’s Familiar Face (and Teeth)

When I had originally heard murmurs of David Tennant returning, I wrote them off as the worst idea possible. It’s not that I dislike David Tennant, but rather it felt like a step back for the show. I’ve always admired the show’s capacity for change and this felt stagnant. No Doctor should be the Doctor forever. Rather cleverly then, the show introduced us to Ncuti Gatwa before David Tennant. Already my curiosity had been piqued. Tennant was returning, but only for a moment. You have my attention, Russell. They knew we would see Tennant filming in his slick new threads, and they got ahead of it. It feels like equal parts stunt casting and clever writing. It would be unfair to any new Doctor to carry the weight of the 60th on their shoulders, so let’s revisit some of the old favourites, eh?

The Children in Need special was our first look at this Doctor, and as my friend Taryn put it- it was great until the Doctor showed up. It was a joke, but the stuff with Davros was genuinely interesting on its own. As soon as the Doctor showed up, the tonal whiplash was jarring. This isn’t to say it was bad. It’s for the kiddies, it should be lighter in tone. The joke about the Kaled anagram that went on too long was evidence early on that we were about to slip into the realm of panto. The main takeaway is that David’s still got it and that Ian Levine needs very little reason to turn on you. Neither of which was unknown to us before.

Donna and Rose

One of the more annoying traits some Whovians possess is the tendency to see a selection of Doctor Who characters and say “You left out so and so.” And usually, more often than not, that so and so is Rose Tyler. There’s always someone out there ready to see more David and Billie. That’s why I was pleasantly surprised to see the return of Donna Noble. But as a nice little nod to what came before, we get her daughter Rose. I love the entire idea behind this Rose. As Sharon Davies, Doctor Who’s first black companion was first introduced in “The Star Beast,” it’s delightful to know Doctor Who’s first trans companion will be introduced in “The Star Beast.” There’s a nice symmetry to that.

I also like what Rose implies about Donna’s story. When we last saw Donna, she was getting married and about to win the lottery. Her husband Shaun and her are still together all of these years later, and they have a daughter named Rose. As a trans person, I latched on to the name aspect of Rose’s character immediately as trans people name themselves. If she picked the name Rose out of nowhere, is it possible that a dormant Doctor Donna somehow passed attributes onto her progeny? Is there more to the name than coincidence? I certainly hope so. Russell T Davies seems dedicated to telling trans stories and our names are a huge part of our journeys. If he turned that aspect of the trans experience into a wibbly wobbly timey wimey phenomenon, I might love him forever.

I’m also just stoked as hell to see the return of Donna and her family. They’ve been hush on Wilf in the trailers. I suppose they’re trying to keep some surprises for the people out there who haven’t had Doctor Who news pumped intravenously for the last year and a half. I hope that they don’t forget Donna and Shaun’s lottery winnings. It would be a shame to see Donna bumbling around trying to find temp work after all this time. I hope she never had to work another day in her life. What I want for Donna, is a lot of what the trailers seem to imply- for her to feel whole again. Her adventures were stolen from her. I hope they don’t just bring her back to kill her. Donna doesn’t need to die to leave the TARDIS, she has a family. Give her a happily ever after!

Disney+

While we here in the UK will see no Doctor Who on Disney+, the rest of the world will. This is pretty big as many younger international viewers resort to piracy as they don’t have cable and no one in their right mind would pay for HBO Max or whatever the hell they’re calling it now. Recently a bunch of the usual shitty diaper babies shat their shitty diapers over the idea that people in other countries might be able to watch Doctor Who before the UK. I highly doubt that will be the case. Just because time zones exist doesn’t automatically mean that they won’t wait to drop the episode once it becomes available in the UK. I don’t know that for certain, but what I do know for certain is it hardly matters.

I’ve also seen some people worry that Disney will have too much say in Doctor Who’s content. And while they have given RTD the occasional note, it is still Bad Wolf making the decisions. I would like to think that Disney knows to leave well enough alone. They’ve not exactly had a great year at the box office, so it’s not like their advice is valuable these days. They could tell you a hundred ways to tank a franchise, which is technically helpful. Add to that the year they had with SAG-AFTRA and I think they’re probably hurting for a bit of help from their friends in Britain. Disney’s biggest contributions will likely be calling season 14 “Season 1,” as to not confuse subscribers and a higher budget.  We appreciate the cash injection, Mickey, but please piss off.

Murray Gold replacing Segun Akinola

I wrote the exact opposite of that sentence five years ago. It’s weird how many aspects of Doctor Who have returned, but this was the first one that actually felt like a step back to me. Murray Gold is a great composer. His theme for The Face of Boe is a gorgeous piece of music. Matt Smith’s theme song might be my favourite Doctor Who theme song ever. But I am a fan of the Radiophonic Workshop and Segun Akinola was tapped into that in an exciting way. I’m just not sure what more Gold can do than more of the same.

Gold’s new intro was the second time I was disappointed by RTD’s Doctor Who. While many people were living for it, a few of my friends and I were disappointed. It gets a bit meandery and the parts you want to go hard simply don’t. I’m going to chalk this up to the poor sound of a live performance and hold my final judgement for the fully mixed version. As it stands, it’s standard Murray Gold. Nothing new. Underwhelming in its sameness. However, as I was tufting a Doctor Who rug the other day, I listened to the first six season soundtracks back to back and found myself pleasantly surprised by some of their offerings. Gold was always doing his best work when it was atmospheric and electronic. That’s the Murray Gold I’m most interested in hearing more from.

The Specials Themselves

For the most part, I’ve stayed away from fan speculation. Even in this blog, I’ve tried to stray from speculating actual plot points (save for Rose). I mostly hate it because it’s all hearsay and ultimately bullshit. There have been the supposed “leaks” about bi-regeneration and even if they’re true, it doesn’t mean it’s automatically bad. Good writing can make just about any concept work. If you were to read out the plot synopsis of any story, it could sound awful. What a synopsis lacks is gripping dialogue, compelling scenes, and filmmakers coming together to achieve the correct tone. You can't gauge how good something is going to be by description alone.

What I can see is Neil Patrick Harris as the Toymaker, pulling the strings of the Doctor’s fate. Is he the reason for this familiar regeneration? Is Beep the Meep’s status as a comic book character part of it? How meta will this go? Will the Doctor remember Beep the Meep from his Fourth Doctor days or will the Meep be brand new to him? I’ve said before that you don’t want audiences asking the wrong questions. I feel like every question I’ve had since filming began was one of curiosity as opposed to confusion. I’m excited to be excited over Doctor Who again. When they revealed the three posters for the specials, I literally jumped for joy. I was ecstatic. These posters were creative, fun, and they left you wanting more. Fantastic.

My Own Relationship to the Show

My version of Star Wars is the original trilogy. I can’t stand the prequels. But lately, I’ve tried to take a lighter attitude toward them. While I still think they stink, I also recognise that they’re here to stay. That’s kind of where I am with the Timeless Child. I still hate the concept, but I accept it’s here to stay. And I am actually trying to be more open-minded about it. Now that we have better writers at the helm it might even turn into something interesting. As I stated above, the fandom is due a shakeup. As it stands, I am pretty open to a shakeup. This doesn’t mean that I don’t secretly hope Susan will show up and be revealed as the actual Timeless Child, but I’m realistic.

Recently someone also pointed out to me that the Doctor’s watch could have turned the First Doctor into a normal Time Lord, with the usual number of Time Lord regenerations. While this doesn’t explain why the Doctor being the most important Time Lord ever was necessary, it at least helps plug a plot hole. It’s ironic that Chibnall’s questionable writing may actually lead to Doctor Who’s canon being blown wide open. Equally ironic is the fact that he has actually improved my enjoyment of Doctor Who. I call it the Chibnall Effect. After the Chibnall era, middling episodes of the Davies and Moffat era have been bumped up considerably. Sometimes it takes a bad film to help you recognise a good film. 

There’s a wrongheaded notion floating around these days that RTD fans are living off of nostalgia. While I don’t doubt there will be someone out there chasing a feeling lost to the winds of time, I should also point out that not all of us watched the Davies era as children. I was in my late 20’s when I got into Doctor Who. I have no little kid nostalgia for it. I was a junior in film school. I’ve been taught how to view art critically and I can say that the Davies era has its flaws and its strengths. I think for an atheist, he has a weird obsession with the Doctor as Jesus. And I found the schmoozy romance between Ten and Rose nauseating. But the man knows character development. He understands human emotion better than Moffat’s stunted women or Chibnall’s stunted everyone. What I’ve found in revisiting the RTD era is a consistent focus on characterisation. Without that, all of the clever writing and stellar effects amount to nothing. I love when Doctor Who is great, but at this point I’ll settle for competent.

A Personal Note

As I stated in my Monster Makeovers article, I will be covering the new episodes as they release. However I have recently started a bit of a project. I have taken up rug tufting and hope to eventually make a living out of it. Because of this, I will have to budget my time. My hope is that I will always have time after episodes to write reviews, but they may occasionally be a day late. If you’re interested in following my rug tufting journey, I started an Instagram account under the name pipedreamfasting. Feel free to drop me a follow.

In other news, I am actually planning on changing my blog’s name. I’ve been mulling a few ideas over, but nothing is final. Maybe I’ll do a poll, that is if my reader base is large enough for a poll to matter. That being said, I hope your Doctor Who anniversary special experience is a happy one! There’s been so much vitriol in the fandom lately that we could all use a positive experience. Happy anniversary to the greatest show in the galaxy!

[slashertalks]

You’re in a Blockbuster. It’s summer, you’ve got no responsibilities and your parents threw you some extra cash so you could rent a movie and buy some popcorn. You’re gonna go home, open that plastic shell case (remember the way the cheap ones would crinkle?) and plug the tape into your VCR for 120 minutes of fun. Or, better yet— you’re not in a Blockbuster. You’re at home, digging through your movie shelf for the one tape you want to watch. Your mom recorded it off the TV, so you’ll have to fast-forward through commercial breaks (and little do you know, it’s probably edited) but you love it all the same. It’s not as high a quality as what you could get from the local rental shop, but there’s something magical about it. The four and a half minutes of the end of whatever TV show was on before your movie started. Ads, captured from a specific time period in a specific region— ads you probably won’t ever see again. VHS artifacts— fuzz, lines. The colors are a little off, the images a little hazy. You’ve got popcorn in your lap and a remote in hand so you can always get to the good stuff fast when the commercials do start. You don’t realize it, but that tape, with the hand-written label already starting to wear away, is a time capsule of your youth.

Youth you’ll never get back. Youth you may not even miss, but which so many people will play up as the best time of our lives. Was it really, though? Teenagers are assholes. Times were different. People are hateful now, yeah, but people were hateful back then too. I miss grunge and Y2K fashion and idogs and inflatable furniture and the freedom of being able to go outside as a kid but I wouldn’t exactly want to live in the fucking 90s or early 2000s. I wouldn’t go back, even if I am nostalgic. And I think there’s some very potent horror in that nostalgia.

I’ve been hyping this up for a while and it’s finally time I tackle WNUF Halloween Special, V/H/S 94, and V/H/S 99 all together— splatterfests, sure, but all poignant time capsules of a specific genre of media: the home recording. Not family movies, though a variety of those certainly plays a major role in both of the V/H/S titles I’ve selected. No, instead I mean tapes copied from local TV channels, ads and all. There’s something very unique about the experience of watching a film on TV. I think few of us would actively choose that route these days, when films are available seamlessly at our fingertips (unedited and uninterrupted). Yet, there is something so universally nostalgic about both local TV channels and VHS tapes for a certain generation of us that all three of these movies capture perfectly (albeit some aspects are captured better than others in each of the films).

The first film chronologically for both release and setting is WNUF Halloween Special. A gem of a film set in 1987, it pretends to be a home recording of a local news channel’s Halloween broadcast. Segments about dentists buying back candy, about Christians protesting the holiday, and the grand finale: a longer special about a news reporter and a team of paranormal investigators exploring a supposedly-haunted house. Things go, unsurprisingly, haywire. The plot of the film is paper-thin and predictable, the acting is sublimely cheesy (exactly what you want and expect from smalltown news personalities), and the effects are alright. A little blood here and there, a dead cat— nothing beyond that.

Where the film shines is its dedication to capturing the experience. The sound of the tape being pushed into the VCR, the blue screen— local commercials, and fast-forwarding through ones you’ve already seen or segments you find boring. “Kids, ask your parents permission before calling!” “Playing with drugs... is playing with DEATH.” “All the rock you could want, on the QUARRY!” — It’s truly a masterpiece. I feel like a little kid sitting too close to the TV screen with my bucket of Halloween candy next to me every time I watch this movie. It has its flaws, sure, but there is something so tangibly charming about a window into my childhood now preserved only on old Between The Lions tapes, captured here in a film released in 2013. I remember that broadcast on my TV. I remember my old Halloween costume, and my orange plastic pumpkin. I was that kid, watching in awe and horror was my local TV anchor hosts a call-in seance live. We all have, I think, if you grew up in that wonderful window from the late 80s to the early 2000s. It’s delightful, and WNUF Halloween Special has cemented itself as one of my favorite holiday films of all time.

V/H/S 94 is second, again for both release and setting (and isn’t that perfect?). Overall, this film takes itself the most seriously. While WNUF is not an anthology film, both of the V/H/S entries are. Our frame story here, Holy Hell, follows a SWAT unit on a drug bust that turns into a snuff film ring bust that quickly goes sour. As the film progresses, so to does our little unit— deeper and deeper into the facility, uncovering more and more eyeless bodies and strange TVs, until it’s finally revealed that the two female officers were the leads of the snuff film cult all along. The take a camera to the head of the final SWAT officer; lenses shatter and brain chunks splatter.

 Overall, the shorts in this film are delightful, and all in various ways. Storm Drain is most similar to WNUF, as it also parodies a news broadcast. Being a direct broadcast from the mid-90s, the camera quality has improved distinctly— only to drop again for the next short, The Empty Wake. After all, a funeral home certainly wouldn’t have the same quality cameras as a news station. You could (and people certainly have) argued that The Empty Wake is middling at best; a simple and obvious story that excels mostly with its use of effects and occasionally with its building of tension. Yet the use of three fixed cameras calls back to early survival horror in a delightful way. It feels almost Poe-esque, a sort of 90s Gothic I’ve never really seen before. Overly-haunting funeral music, a raging storm and a sea of brown. Brown chairs, brown carpet, ugly light fixtures that constantly threaten to go out. Its delightfully evocative of the sort of empty beige wasteland of many Midwest baptist churches. The only things unique here are the girl and the casket— and whatever monster lurks inside.

The third short, The Subject, is my second favorite. The effects are stunning and CGI is used sparingly, and I’m a sucker for mad scientist/Frankenstein’s Monster stories. Though it makes the least effort to maintain an “authentic” appearance, the creature and set design elevate it. There’s also a delightful emotional core; the girl becomes a monster of the soldiers’ own creation, and it is Jono’s kindness that helps re-ground her. I can only say it’s unfortunate Jono died, considering they each save the other (and he’d only ever been kind to her, trying to protect her from the start and even lying to his commander about seeing her crawling away before they run into each other again in the midst of her killing spree). I’m not sure whether I would’ve preferred that they both died together, or both escaped together, but having only the girl survived feels... odd. Especially considering the world she is escaping into is likely to hold little kindness for her.

Interestingly, the fourth short (and by far my favorite) has a similar sort of “monster of your own creation” through-line, though with a distinctly more serious twist. A white supremacist extremist group is preparing for a domestic terrorist attack, using vampire blood as a bomb. It’s got the grittiest, most low-quality footage of any of the shorts (which, again, makes sense — they’re using cheap, handheld cameras) and feels the most real to me. It’s set near Detroit, but the snowy wilderness is familiar as someone who grew up in the northern midwest. Each day, at a certain time, the militia members shoot the vampire in the head. One such scene opens the film— the vampire pleads for his life. Each subsequent time, the vampire pleads less and less, until he simply kneels in silence and accepts a bullet through the skull. At the end of the film, through a series of drunken mishaps, the vampire is released and all of the militia members are killed. The vampire uses the militia’s fail-safe to open a large window and expose himself to sunlight, killing himself and destroying the compound. It feels less tragic than The Subject, but remains very understandable. When you’ve spent most of your life being demonized, sometimes you do just want to let yourself become the demon.

The third and final film, V/H/S 99, is more consistent aesthetically than V/H/S 94, as it leans almost entirely into handheld, home movie style film-making. It is also mostly focused on teens suffering the consequences of their actions. There was certainly a specific brand of mean-spirited, Jackass-style “prank” content prevalent in this era alongside the blossoming newgrounds community of shock animations and flash games. All that to say, teenagers of this era fucking sucked.

Shredding, the first short, features a group of irreverent douchebag punks who break into an abandoned music club only to mock the deaths of Bitch Cat, the last band who played there before a fire broke out inside the building. Only one of them shows any concern for their actions, but all of them die gruesomely— and in a delightfully gory bit of effects work, their dismembered corpses are reassembled and puppeteered by the zombified ghosts of Bitch Cat to perform one last song.

This is followed by Suicide Bid, pivoting from punks to bitchy sorority girls who decide a great hazing prank would be burying a desperate girl alive for a night. Of course, as shitty as that would be on its own, there also has to be a ghost involved. The ghost of Giltine attacks Lily as the coffin slowly fills with rainwater after a storm starts, and the sorority sisters come back to a mysteriously empty coffin the next day. Lily gets the last laugh by trapping all the other girls in their own coffins, having made a deal with Giltine to offer the sorority girls in exchange for her own soul.

Ozzy’s Dungeon pivots from revenge against shitty teens to revenge against shitty adults— all while parodying Nickelodeon game shows. It’s gross, it’s sleazy, and it’s wonderfully demented in a SAW-esque way. It’s also an interesting look at failed child stardom. Donna was supposed to be the one who got out, the one who made it big, but now her leg is mangled. Her own mother says it looks like dog meat, goes on this revenge crusade that Donna barely takes part in. When she does, her mother takes over for her. Her father makes token protests but ultimately lets the mother take the lead— and the game show host was always more worried about appearances than anything else. At the end of their little vengeance plot, the host helps Donna and her family sneak back onto the set of the show to meet the titular Ozzy and get a wish granted (the promised prize of the show which no one ever won). Donna’s mother prompts her to wish for for a new car, for 15 million dollars— Donna wishes for everyone who used her to die.

The frame story of this film, stop-motion animated segments of a teen’s home movie made with toy soldiers, feeds directly into the fourth short, The Gawkers. We’ve returned again to the world of shitty teens— this time, to popular teen boys. They think they’re hot shit and treat women as objects, trying to sneak panty shots of girls in a park before being chased off, and later spying on Brady and Dylan’s neighbor. It’s hardly the most enjoyable watch, but it is quite gratifying. The teens who treated women as nothing more than sexual objects are themselves turned into literal objects. It turns out the neighbor is a gorgon, and she caught the boys spying on her through her webcam thanks to Brady’s programming skills. She attacks them all and turns them to stone for invading her privacy, betraying her trust and sexualizing her without her consent. This is the short that relies most heavily on CGI (to create the Gorgon) and it does feel extremely weak. The gorgon doesn’t seem to have any weight to her and the snakes on her head do not move naturally in the slightest— budget constraints are understandable, but this is why I much prefer The Subject’s merging of practical and digital to elevate the practical and execute what couldn’t be physically built.

Last, but certainly not least, is To Hell and Back, a short following to videographers recording a Y2K party hosted by a coven of witches as they attempt to summon a demon into the body of a willing host. A lower demon crashes the party, and as the witches banish it back to hell it grabs onto the two cameramen and drags them to hell with it. The only short that has nothing to do with vengeance (or teens), the two men must instead venture through the pits of hell in an attempt to find the demon being summoned and catch a ride back to earth. They succeed, but ruin the coven’s summoning and are killed for it (one of them using his blood to write the name of another lower demon who had helped them escape in the witches’ book before dying). The film closes as the videographers’ camera runs out of battery.

Each of these films captures a very specific era in the lifetime of VHS as a medium, and captures it extremely well. From the image and color distortion of WNUF’s faux home recording to the differences in camera quality to match the shorts’ settings in V/H/S 94 as we transition from newscasts to funeral homes, to amateur documentaries. V/H/S 99 is more consistent than 94, as stated, but this is inherent to all of their shorts being filmed by amateurs— the most polished segment is the beginning of Ozzy’s Dungeon while the actual show is being filmed. It’s an excellent depiction of the astounding jump in technological quality in such a brief time. At least in what was available to professionals. Perhaps the most charming part of this era of VHS is that while technology got smaller and cheaper for consumers, it did not necessarily get better. A cheap, handheld video camera is still a cheap handheld video camera.

In their commitment to this horror time capsule project, WNUF Halloween Special and most of the shorts from the two V/H/S films rely heavily on practical effects. It is, at times, bad-looking. You know it’s a guy in a rubber suit. The leech-like vampire isn’t really chewing a guy’s face off. Giltine is... well, an unarticulated latex mask with equally unarticulated hands. These monsters are fake and you know it, and that is part of the charm. It is a low-budget 90s film you picked up from the bargain bin, a home-burned DVD your friend gifted you of their high-school slasher created during summer vacation. It’s a guy in a mask, and it might be a guy you know, but you’ve got to suspend your disbelief. You’ve come home from Blockbuster with every intention of seeing that guy in a mask and believing he is a monster out to torment assholes, and it’s golden.

I’ve said it before, seen it said by others, and will absolutely say it again: bad practical effects will always be better than bad CGI. I don’t care how cheap it looks— if there’s a real, tangible thing in front of the actors I’ll buy it so much more than PS1 graphics slapped against the background. Something with weight, something the actors can really react to. A good performance can make bad practical effects passable and passable effects amazing. You forget you can see the wire in certain shots until some dude on IMDb points it out in the trivia section. The actors sell it. The film scares you. You’re 14, 15, 16 and you snuck a horror movie out of the rental place your parents would never let you watch normally. You’re tuning into the late-night broadcast of Ghoulies or Reanimator or Killer Klowns from Outer Space. It scares you because it’s not something you’re supposed to see. None of these tapes were something we were ever supposed to see, but here they are.

Here’s death, here’s gore, here’s horror. Here’s a man in a mask. Here’s a cheap video camera and here’s the nostalgic sound of your tape thunking into place in your VCR, whirring to life as a commercial flickers across the screen as that home recording of your favorite movie comes on. The one you were only supposed to see once, that Halloween night, preserved carefully now on your shelf lined with hand-labelled tapes. Maybe it’s not as scary as it used to be, but it’s joyful! It’s a trip down memory lane, an experience not many of us will get back (at least not the way we all individually remember it), but we can still plug in any of these masterfully crafted movies and get a dose of nostalgia whenever we want. They’ll always be there— and you can always be a friend.

Just remember to rewind when you reach the end.

[thelostroad]

It feels like it’s not the typical experience sometimes when I’m thinking about my journey towards family estrangement. In so many examples, I think what tends to be a prominent version is someone who does wish they had a better relationship with family, and there are various trials of maybe trying to improve things, or low contact and being apart for the sake of minimizing harm/conflict, but in general maybe a vacillating goal of resolution—sometimes this is escaped in cases of extreme abuse, but other times, tbh, not; it’s perfectly common as well for people from abusive families to still have a torn conviction or choose/want to maintain some level of relationship, or to seek healing or lowest maintainable contact or similar. [A note I forgot to add: this may precede a complete or more severe estrangement/severance, too; it’s not like these are always the only thing and it is forever ongoing and accepted.]

It’s something I’ve become familiar with and have gotten a measure of understanding of, but I also cannot fathom relating that same framework to my own situation. I often feel uncomfortable or at odds knowing this about myself, because there is (I think) so little about my family that could be cast as abusive, if any aspects even were, despite my feelings, and I have certainly not experienced many of the myriad horrific violences, violations, and grievous/injurious harms that many children of abuse have (or continue to). I see these people fighting to get wholly out from often very early on; and I see them going back and forth on how much distance they want from their abusers (some of whom maybe haven’t hurt them actively since childhood, perhaps); and I see them loving or mourning and having attachment to their families; and I see them completely cutting them off in adulthood or having strict low-contact boundaries while also allowing a minimum, or still making an occasional concession, or wishing things could be different. And I feel weird even framing these other experiences; they’re all obviously not actually capturable in these short phrases, and have depth and complexity, and in some places overlap, and for a lot probably don’t represent an actual contentment or satisfaction with a situation just because it is the one present. I know that, and I see all variety of iterations and experiences with people dear to me, and have long since determined that I will in no case judge or question or dismiss any of them.

But I feel dissonant for being different. Not something that I can frame as worse or better; and I don’t think even my actual experiences are anything that probably many of my peers and friends can relate to, contexts and all? But I still can’t understand it in an “I relate”/empathy/would do the same way, which feels uncomfortable and like I’m not sure if I should be guilty or if I’m wrong or what it is. All the pieces, I think, are things that I think will be shared in both cases and with which I am frequently able to relate: guilt, hesitance, trepidation of how one will be seen, worry about the effect it has on estranged person, moral ambiguity, reliance, resentment, tiredness, a distance between the worst harm and the person at the state they are, some measure of appreciation, not sure how it would affect other family members, the concern of giving things up. But the part I struggle to reconcile is that I’ve never not been sure it’s what I want.

Once or twice there’s been points at which I’ve debated whether it will be worth it. There was a period in childhood, I’m not sure for how long—maybe for longer than I think, to be honest—where I wanted, at least sometimes, a version of my family that was better, or where certain things were fixed or healed or better. There’s been a point in my life for which I wanted my parents to love and accept me, and predicted continuing to have a relationship with them. But at some point, I don’t know when, that period ended finitely and completely. And once it did, from whenever that was onward, my entire life ongoing has never once involved wavering or hesitation in knowing—like Knowing knowing, an absolute end goal that was inherent to any vision of my future, in all iterations, no caveats—that the life I intend for myself is to not have my family in it. Period. Always! And I don’t know how to integrate this alongside the narratives I encounter or express it cohesively.

Since deciding to make this an imminent goal earlier this year, the closest I’ve got to capturing it is comparing it to dysphoria. Because to me it does feel the same: the idea of me still being part of my family feels as wrong and incongruous with my self-image as breasts, as gender, as names and terminology that don’t apply to me. And it has for as long as I can recall. When I made the imminence of the intent apparent to various people close to me, literally any element of surprise in their reactions came as a weird punch of confusion and discomfort to me; it had genuinely not been in my cognitive construct to consider that anyone who knows me would not have it embedded within their understanding of me that said Me-ness intrinsically included estrangement, or demanded exclusion, from my family, however one would phrase it. It’s hard-wired; it’s built into the code; it’s a feature, not a bug; the fact of Me is diametrically conflicted from being in my family. In my head it is impossible for both to exist copacetically. (For another existential conundrum sometime, maybe one might find me elaborating on how This truth struggles in conflicted coexistence with the fact that for all these near-30 years of life, I haven’t left them yet.)

I don’t have much of a conclusion to this, or even a particular goal in trying to articulate it. It’s just a thought that I’ve struggled to mold into an easily communicable shape. Today in session we talked about my mother, and things she’s said and what she wants. Do I think she’s genuinely interested, no agenda, in my art, or is there an ulterior motive? Does she expect an answer to her email reply, a response to the message I sent checking in and asking her to not follow-up for any more info? These aren’t things I have firm conclusions on; I have senses and guesses and conditions, but it’s not been a factor in how I think about it. The question envisions a possible answer where the scenario involves her having sincere interest, unburdened by suspicion or judgment, for interest—I just don’t care. It would not make me feel better if that were true; her authentic fondness and investment or appreciation is not on my wish list. If she were purely innocent in this scenario and would to no end appreciate seeing my work and sharing in things I enjoy in life, just because she cares or loves me or for no reason at all, it would not put me at ease; it would discomfit me. Because if she had an agenda or didn’t have one but would use it or had none at all, I would not want to share with her. Yes, because I expect that it will be used against me, and yes, because I infer her judgment. But also because I have no interest in her approval, in conferred appreciation, in stringless sharing, in bonding. A stranger’s interest would have some manner of appeal to me, but all I want from her is separation. (It’s interesting, too, that this conviction holds despite emotions of esteem… I know that if she expressed disinterest it would sting, that if she ignored me I would eventually take it personally, that if she were impressed and full of praise I would have some measure of at least relief or satisfaction, maybe even pride. But forefront to all of that is that I don’t want Her and My Life to be overlapping at all.)

I don’t know that her intentions are bad. I try, sometimes, to err towards the assumption that they are neutral, or even, in some cases, have some seed of Care or twisted attempt towards Good. It’s just that I don’t… care. Not ultimately. Navigating her relationship & contemplating her intent & considerations on what could be better are inherent disinteresting to me.

When something is wrong or bad or flawed, there are a few prospective responses: to fix it, to replace it, to punish it, to reject it. If I am any of these I am the latter. In a dream world I do not envision my family being better, nor do I picture myself having a family that is simply an entirely different animal to the one I have. In the now, I would love justice, yes; I’d like them to be wounded with regret for how they’ve treated me. I do want them to feel bad. But to the paramount end I just don’t want them at all. To envision me happy with a family situation is to envision—just me, no family situation to be spoken of. (Another similarity with gender dysphoria, tbh...) And that’s how it’s been, all my life, for as far back as that line was drawn: the one I can’t remember nor place of, and to which I know there was a before, but of which I only personally know the after. The point upon which my True Ending was sealed into canon, however one wishes to describe it. And that’s what I’ve come out of therapy with, this floating, untethered thought, basically: once I may have wanted a different family, or a brother who was kind to me, or for my mother to understand; but a long time ago, it came to pass that I didn’t want that anymore, and since then, all I have wanted is none at all.

But they are still there.

So no, it doesn’t matter to me what she wants or if he cares or how they might feel about me, ultimately. They don’t Not Matter, but they don’t matter to the actual life I am trying to create for myself. The problem is how they act or are, yes, but in such a manner that the final straw was surpassed years and years and years ago; nothing can henceforth be reformed or undone, it can only succeed to minimize or eliminate furthering what damage exists. The damage was decided sometime back when I was (compared to now) very small: that it had surpassed the line of forgiveness or penance. Now, all I am trying to do is what I’ve wanted to since very long ago—leave.

That’s the fix.

The rest is as meaningless as pruning a tree before uprooting it. All I want is to extract the whole thing, roots and all.

[sapphires-and-silver-linings]

okay I’m sorry I know I already gushed about half-life but I’m thinking of it again and I just freaking love plagas!leon so much you write him so well 😭😭 like I love Leon’s attitude to the reader and how he struggles with his plagas side that just wants to stake a claim yk?

You’re just a fantastic writer.

And don’t even get me started on wolfie (I literally name all of my dogs in video games that????) I would protect him with my life if anything happens to him —

I also love the betrayer! I’m rereading it again and UGH the sadness reader is going through after that shit with Wesker and Chris!!!! He is such a sweetie!!!! I’m really wondering if he’ll eventually divulge how he coped with reader disappearing all those years. I know he spoke a bit about it but yeah!! I know I said this already but you’re just a great writer 🥺

I can’t wait to read the next chapters of both those fics, of course no pressure though! I hope you have a lovely day/night and I’m sorry to dump this on you I just kept thinking of both fics though!

Oh my god thank you so much, this made my night 😭

Like, please, I love hearing people’s thoughts about my stories! I wanna hear people’s opinions on scenes, predictions for future chapters, and even headcanons! That stuff makes me so happy and will often motivate me to write on days I might not be feeling it!

Anyway, something about Plaga!Leon just does something for me, especially morphing the angsty aspects into the typical horny aspects of the infected Leon trope lol.

Wolfie, funny enough, was just gonna be a slight side character, but I couldn’t help but add more to his interactions both for realism and the fact he’s just a good boy 😭 he’s gone from a random addition to a legitimate plot-driver, so take that how you will lol.

As for The Betrayer… oof. I love all my reader inserts, but Lucky is my absolute favorite. She’s relatable but still her own person through and through, and developing her character has been such a joy for me. I definitely put all of my pain and rage in my own life into her, and I feel that’s come across well!

As for Chris, he is just as—if not more so, in some ways—traumatized as Lucky, and I definitely want to tap into his psyche the way I do for Leon in Half-Life. For the next few chapters, we will only get hints of how that trauma manifests, both from him and their friends, but he will eventually have a big focus on him and how affected by everything he is.

And I know it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted for any of my fics, but I am still writing the latest chapters of both Half-Life and The Betrayer! I really hope to get the inspiration to finish up one or the other soon. I’ve been kind of in a funk because I’m staying with family and they’re keeping me busy lol.

There is more than a slight chance that the next chapters of both fics might be over 15k words, lord help me.

Anyway, no worries, I love getting asks like this! Thank you so much!

[bluemoonscape]

Team Supernatural, I’m a sucker for the concept of nature as an entity neither good nor evil, and some things in the show don’t (yet) make sense without the supernatural angle (lottie speaking French in that one attic scene, for instance). I wouldn’t be opposed to Rational at all, though. It would be chilling.

Teen timeline favorite is a toss-up between Jackie and Tai, but Jackie has to win. Loved Ella since Arcane and so seeing her portray a live action character was a dream. Plus, Jackie is so genuinely sweet and there’s something about her (+Laura Lee and Javi, but specifically Jackie since she was eaten first) being the sacrificial lamb of the team that’s so beautifully tragic. Plus, her mannerisms and her dedication to her team even when they exile her, is just. Yeah. I bawl over Jackie. In the adult timeline, Shauna is my favorite for sure, with Callie as a close second. Her story is the most interesting to me and her relationship with Callie and flashbacks of Jackie are insane. And Melanie Lynskey!! Is reason enough!!

Probably an obvious one, but nothing beats Bullet with Butterfly Wings kicking in as Natalie runs from the cabin after drawing the Queen for me. It was a huge “holy shit” moment.

Jackieshauna has to be my favorite, love some toxic doomed lesbians! The story of season 1 revolves around them and their relationship so much, and Jackie haunts Shauna constantly even in the adult timeline. Always something with them. Taivan and Mistynat are close seconds - I also love Lottienat and Lottieshauna, though. I’ve been known to dabble in the Taishauna department too. I play every team so I can never lose

I’m so so torn between 1x01 and 2x06. The pilot forever has a special place in my heart for showing us the girls’ lives before the crash. It made me feral over Jackieshauna within the first few minutes. As for Qui, this episode wrecked me so hard and when something has the sheer emotional power to do that, it automatically makes me fall in love with it. The most memorable line in the whole series to me was “Why can’t you hear him crying?”

I want and am holding on hope for Nat to be the Antler Queen. I honestly don’t want another twist to throw us off the scent of who it is this season—we were already thrown off from thinking it was Lottie, and narratively, I think it makes the most sense for Nat to take on that role and be the tortured protector of the group. I do agree that there’s a non-zero chance they’re gearing up for it to be Shauna, though.

I would have to agree on the Jackie eating scene being the best of the show so far. It’s the most viscerally haunting shit of the whole series—it changes the tone of the show forever. And the cuts to the feast. Jesus christ. Just. Jesus christ. “She wants us to” like JESUS CHRIST

This is honestly more of a want than a prediction but I HOPE it happens regardless; more of the dead girls haunting the living ones. More of Laura Lee haunting Lottie. More of Jackie haunting Shauna. Sooo much of Nat haunting Misty. And on that note, more of the teen girls showing up in the adult timeline!! Show us the trauma!! Second, I think this season is going to show us why Misty is so obsessed with Nat since Nat is now gone in the adult timeline. I bet Misty will team up with Nat in trying to protect Coach Ben and will become her most faithful “follower.” They have that Coach Ben connection and I think that’s what ties them together in the beginning.

I think I’ve found myself relating most to Tai and Jackie? I joke about being Van exclusively for the ginger element but Tai probably wins out. Her relationship with death and with her own mind, her frustration with the group’s stagnancy and her determination to take things into her own hands, her ambition and need to “make things better” + her constant application of logic to an illogical situation, I can relate to all of those aspects. She feels the most down to earth to me because I feel closest to her personality and behaviors.

I would say just the fact that I’ve tried to explain the logic of the show to everyone I know and received the most wild looks in return is mine. It’s great.

A funny thing I’ve noticed about the fandom perception of men is how. You know. Hated they are 😭 I love that yj is a female-centric show and wouldn’t have it any other way, but there has been some crazy discourse about headcanoning some of the girls as transmasc so I guess I might have a lukewarm take about that (in that I’m transmasc and love those headcanons).

I’ll tag some Yellowjackets moots whether they just want to browse what other people have said or add their own (apologies if you’ve already been tagged!): @cringekind @antlerslayer @jupititties @amberpriceenthusiast

Starting a Yellowjackets tag!

I want to get my mind off of things so: If you want, answer any or all of the questions below and tag 10 people (or however many you want) who also might want to share! I would love to see what you guys have to say!

1. Are you team Rational or Supernatural?

2. Who is your favorite teen timeline character? Favorite adult timeline character?

3. What is your favorite needledrop?

4. What is your favorite ship?

5. What is your favorite episode?

6. Who do you want the Antler Queen to be?

7. What is your favorite scene in the entire series?

8. A theory or prediction you have about Season 3?

9. Which character do you relate to the most, and why?

10. What is the craziest thing you’ve done in the name of Yellowjackets?

Bonus:

11. What’s your most controversial Yellowjackets take?

—

Here’s mine!

1. I am mostly Team Rational because I love the way this show depicts trauma but I also love seeing the supernatural side of things through the survivors’ eyes if that makes sense.

2. Natalie in the teen timeline because I love her compassion and softness underneath the front she puts on. Lottie in the adult timeline because I love her internal battle with herself and how afraid she is of her own mind. Misty is a close second in the adult timeline!

3. “Cornflake Girl” playing while Nat sees the mossy tree for the first time, Callie seeing the Adam Martin driver’s license in the barbecue, and Shauna eating Jackie’s ear. It just goes so perfectly with everything that’s going on (especially the elevated piano while Nat and Travis are scaling the mountain and the lyrics while Shauna takes the bite!)

4. LottieNat is my favorite ship I can’t help it Nat and Lottie are my favorite characters so having them together is a dream (TaiVan, JackieShauna, and TravNat are up there, too).

5. 1x09 “Doomcoming” is just amazing and captures everything I love about Yellowjackets. I love when they let the girls go batshit crazy, hoping we get more Doomcoming vibes in S3.

6. I want the Antler Queen to be Natalie because that would show a true descent for her in the Wilderness from being the most morally grounded one to the leader of the group at their most unhinged and primal. But honestly I think that Shauna might be the AQ after all…

7. I think the Jackie-eating scene is the best in the entire show. The “Climbing Up the Walls” song choice, the bacchanal feast flashes as a way of coping with the horror of what they’re doing, seeing them go fully feral for the first time, it’s such a well crafted scene.

8. I know this probably won’t happen but I’m just going to throw it out there that Cabin Daughter is alive and she will be revealed to have been Javi’s “friend”!

9. I relate to Shauna the most because I also admittedly have a bit of an obsessive/intense personality and I, too, internalize my emotions to a very unhealthy degree sometimes. I also grew up being in love with my childhood best friend who is very, very much like Jackie (and now we have been dating for 7 years!)

10. Mine is a mix of going to a Yellowjackets panel and sitting like 5 feet from the showrunners, doing everything in my power to score early screening tickets to Heretic and Companion, and pretending I was sick so I could go home early from work the day that the S3 trailer came out.

11. The male characters on this show get too much hate🫢 I like Travis, Jeff, Kevyn, and Walter (even though his introduction and storyline are rushed and forced). I don’t like them more than the female characters, but I like them nevertheless and appreciate their contributions to the plot.

No pressure tags! (I’m tagging 15 bc I feel like it) @before-it-felt-like-a-sin @baked-potatoes-rule @jackiesnats @deerest-deer @whodoesnataliehave @stilllsage @fairytwles @glitterfairy-21225 @lesbianforlottie @tr4vnat @lauraleetaylor @cassioo @natsboygirlfriend @soapyjackets @pinkkkkat @natgf123 +literally anyone else who wants to!

[keishasknowledge]

Our Future Generation Crumpling? - KK.

One generation crumpled is equivalent to our world being crumpled.

I’ve had a discussion with a fellow friend of mine on how one’s environment could negatively influence a teenager’s life in plentiful aspects. Consequently, this discussion took a massive twist when I came across aghast headlines about the increasing suicide rates among teenagers, mental distress in education, and social influence. In an instant, it seemed like a dilemma that needed to be addressed as well as obtain the appropriate recognition, especially to the public viewers.

Before I proceeded to my observations and suggested measures to solve this “enormous” crisis, I had dealt with an episode likewise to this issue. As a student and daughter who takes account of a wide range of responsibilities, these were a spoke of the wheel for me to plan out events with my acquaintances. “I wanted to live like a normal person, but I hold tremendous obligations surrounding me like an optical illusion” — as I would like to say my typical mood was. I used to think if I was being too hard on myself, or if I would be in that distress as the students in those cases. But then it struck me like a lightning bolt, if I held these obligations, was I then molded by the environment and area that I was engrossed in every single day? Is it entirely my fault to sense that I was too occupied with my interests in life? I thus would like to answer this question straight to the point, with profound and insightful elaboration being made in addition to that.

We, as teenagers especially, tend to withdraw from our families and companions in the seasons of concentrating on our assessments, loitering around with several activities, and so on. By then, we do not have a complete acknowledgment of how balancing our time happens and may ask questions such as — “What exact procedures shall I take?”, “I never had a social life, how am I supposed to know?”. Generally speaking, this fundamental element of one’s life, or its commonly used sobriquet — “leisure time”, must be taught and explored further to other horizons. However, the fact that we don't have one could also lean towards the subject of where we've been placed. For instance, schools may give out daunting tasks for you to finish, leaving you with anxiety and distress. Our guardians may ask us to be more diligent and absorbed in one particular expectation of theirs, which actually may be sickening at times as we are just human-beings who sense curiosity with the world around us, not with the trauma of fitting into someone’s ideals.

According to the SCMP, the motive behind the scenes of the increasing rates of suicide is because of the transformation of post-pandemic life, which indicates that the “surroundings” bring out a large impact on a student’s life. Adaptation of post-pandemic life may not be the only source that delivers a sense of sorrow for students, but may also be for bullying or mocking incidents and so on and so forth.

On the other hand, wellness for a teenager is completely mishandled. The unfitting statistics and pie charts of certain psychological illnesses that one may possess, display that the understanding of mental health and counseling has not been deeply consolidated and learned from healthcare professionals, as teenagers could only achieve the so-called “temporary remedy” but have the trauma that sticks with them wherever they go. Noted from SCMP, healthcare professionals have paid close attention to the emotional needs of students and provided individual advice for healing. However, I suppose these aspects would not create a massive modification, especially with a “caught up and torn apart” student.

Putting all of these ideas into summary, we should have the acceptance that suggested solutions are not long-lasting, as we are being hauled to an imperfect life that has tornados and tsunamis along the way. This memoir I've written for today reflects on the 1960s prediction made where teenagers pointed out that by the 2010s to 2020s, life would be odious and a never-ending cycle of despair, all because of a world where the word “permanent balance and wellness” is never applicable to a teenager’s existence.