#I am okay I am just way tired
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Hey y'all I am still working on the goat in a dress but am delayed by a POTS flareup so I will not be working on it more until tomorrow I forgot asparagus is a diuretic. Again. lol
(for anyone reading this with no context for why that matters, I have both POTS and salt wasting syndrome and am on medication that is literally the opposite of a diuretic to help keep my blood pressure up. Eating a bunch of asparagus kind of temporarily undid that effect and I am very tired but fine, and I'll be back to normal in the morning)
#the person behind the yarn#food mention#I am okay I am just way tired#I took some salt pills and they are starting to kick in but oh boy that was not fun#I think asparagus is one of those things like salt that for most people it won't cause a noticeable affect to your blood pressure#like. most peoples' bodies are really good at maintaining homeostasis#mine is an outlier and should not have been counted#ESPECIALLY when it comes to electrolytes and water I am SO BAD at regulating those#I mean I say that like I have any control over it?? but also there's not really a better way to word that#I stay hydrated take my meds take salt pills as needed#but that does not stop the fact that my body is bad at salt and water lol
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more kitties that live in my sketchbook
#mine#i just took a huge amount of psychic damage from going thro my facebook page#my GOD. the things i had on there#anyway. i hope u hve had a good week...my week has been mixed but okay! im super tired ugjug#my period was like 11 days late bc since stopping hormones it like has no idea whats going on n my period app was havin a coronary#i got a notifcation that was like ur ABNORMAL!!!!!!!!!! okay and#hmm what am i going 2 do now.....probably som colouring and then some reading#i stopped reading the fantasy book i was reading it was eating my brain slowly . in a bad way#i tried using my lightbox 2day instead of drawing over my sketch n it worked well!! ive bough different paper n it worked way better#am happy !! :))
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I love your writing so much!! If you are taking prompts (no pressure!!!!): daniel doing something cute for max’s bday while they are together in Perth after Singapore ❤️
Hello, I love you!! You are SO nice and I appreciate you sending a prompt! This was probably not what you were envisioning, even if there are cute things happening, but I hope you like it anyway. I wanted more birthday stuff but it sort of ran away from me. Also, this is about 2k oh god.
Daniel figured out in the early days, even before they were actually together, that Max doesn't care much about his birthday.
He will never say no to cake (unless his trainer gives him really mean looks), he appreciates gifts, and he loves a good party, but he has no real feelings about it being his birthday.
Daniel had asked him about it once, wondering if maybe there was some sort of deep rooted trauma behind it he didn't know about, but Max had just shrugged, easy and relaxed. It is not important, Daniel, when I get old, if I am getting older every day.
He knows that this year Max has no plans for it, and knows that neither of them minds, both just wanting a quiet day with each other.
It's been...a lot, lately.
Even here, away from the crowds and the hungry world that has just recently spit him out, like a bitter and unwanted bite, it's not been easy to let everything go.
The first two days after landing they had barely left the bed, sleeping and kissing lazily, too drained to even have sex. The third day they had spent with Daniel's family. The fourth, the one when the news had become official for the world, he had gotten horrifically drunk, in a way he hadn't done in years, Max being the one providing glasses of water for once and hands on his forehead while he was crying over a toilet bowl. He doesn't have many memories of the fifth one, spent nursing the worst hungover on this side of thirty.
And then he had tried to start his new life.
He doesn't know yet how that will look like, which makes it harder, but he's taking one step at a time, like his mom has been telling him.
Yesterday's step had been joining Max for some training, because he doesn't want to actually become a couch potato, and looking into finding a new internet provider after Max's numerous complaints.
Today's first step is going to be the farmers market.
He considers waking up Max for it, but it's barely seven a.m., and he doesn't actually want to be threatened with bodily harm this early in the day, so he leaves him with a kiss (Max doesn't even stir) and a post-it note on the bedside table.
It doesn't take long for him to decide that the farmers market isn't for him, at least not yet. Maybe it's an acquired taste, but there's just too much going on, bustling people pressing around him, vendors loudly calling out prices, colorful things attracting his attention everywhere, making his head spin.
He manages to get what he wanted and then flees, back to the safety of his car and towards the quiet of the farm.
It's only when he's halfway there that he realises that a few years ago he would have loved all of it, and then has to force himself to not have an existential crisis over it, wondering if it's just a result of getting old, or if something about the last few months has irrevocably broken him.
When he pokes his head into the bedroom, he finds that Max is awake, sitting up against the headboard, phone in hand and blankets pooled around his waist, looking soft and sleep-mussed.
"Good morning," Daniel says, stepping inside and feeling the warmth of Max's smile wrap around his lungs. "Happy birthday."
Max, impossibly, seems to soften further, his ears growing pinker.
"Thank you," he says, his voice still raspy with sleep. He reaches for Daniel, but he holds up a hand, taking a step back towards the door.
"Hold on, I have something for you. Don't move."
He watches as Max makes a show of settling back against the pillows and stilling there, beaming at him when Daniel laughs, retreating in the other room.
He comes back holding a paper bag and a bottle of orange juice in one hand and a small bouquet of flowers in the other, offering both to Max with a smile, refusing to feel self conscious about it.
Max blinks up at him, fingers just a touch away from Daniel's hand, surprise and confusion mixing on his face.
"For me?" he asks, soft and amazed.
Daniel nods, not really trusting himself to speak, and Max finally closes the distance, wrapping his fingers around the bunch of stems and taking the flowers from Daniel, pulling them close to his chest and burying his face into the colorful petals.
Daniel doesn't really know what kinds of flowers they are, he just chose a few that looked pretty, but he doesn't think it matters. Not when Max looks up at him again, cheeks red and eyes bright, smiling wide wide wide, happy and lovely.
"Thank you, Daniel," he says, so earnestly it cracks something open in Daniel's chest, unwanted and unexpected, making him feel like everything is too much once again.
Luckily, Max seems to notice, because he always notices, and he settles the flower gently on the blankets, uncaring of the wet stems, before tugging Daniel down in his lap. His hands are solid weights on Daniel's hips, and for the first time since he woke up that morning, Daniel feels like he can breathe fully, settled and steady, the feeling of being adrift that he had refused to acknowledge pushed away for a little while longer.
"What's in there?" Max asks, thumbs rubbing circles on Daniel's hipbones, gesturing with his chin towards the paper bag still in Daniel's hand.
The smell of baked goods has for sure given it away already, but Daniel makes a show of it, extracting a croissant as if it was a bunny from a magic hat, wishing Max's laughter could seep right into his bloodstream, weaving itself around his cells.
Max bites into the croissant cheerfully, not minding the flaky crumbs that rain down on the sheets, thanking Daniel again and humming his approval.
Daniel's chest feels warm.
"What's that?" Max asks again while he chews, pointing at the orange juice.
"Orange juice," Daniel tells him, untwisting the cap and offering the bottle to him, missing Max's hand as soon as it's gone. "Watched Marco squeeze it fresh myself."
He does his best to keep his face straight as Max hesitates, bottle halfway up to his mouth, eyes narrowing.
"Marco?"
"Charming guy, yes," Daniel teases, unable to keep himself from smiling any longer, amused by Max's frown, "about sixty years old."
The frown disappears as fast as it had formed, and Max smirks at him, finally taking a sip.
"Forty years too old for you," he says once he has swallowed, laughing at Daniel's outraged squeak.
Max makes it up to him by offering him the middle bite of the croissant, sweet custard oozing onto his fingers, and then again by kissing Daniel thoroughly, sweet with vanilla and sugar.
"I have something else," Daniel tells him some time later, when they're all kissed out, pushing away from Max's chest and clambering back onto his feet.
Max follows him without question, tugging on a pair of shorts abandoned on the floor, and grabbing the flowers from the bed, taking them to the kitchen counter before joining Daniel outside.
Daniel grabs his hand, because he can here, away from prying eyes, and guides him around the porch to a cardboard box peeping quietly.
Max gasps, immediately crouching in front of it and opening it, letting out a surprised laugh when he sees what's inside: four little chicks, fluffy and pale yellow, tweeting up at him.
"You said we needed them to have a real farm," he says, carding his fingers through Max's hair, "and mom said I needed a project."
Max has his fingers in the box already, trying to pet the chicks without startling them, but he leans back to beam up at him, eyes crinkling.
"I love them," he declares, steady and unashamed, before turning back to the box.
This time, he manages to scoop two chicks up in his cupped hands, taking them out and cradling them against his chest, humming happily.
"I think you're their mama now," Daniel jokes, "you'll have to come back for them."
He knows he's said the wrong thing as soon as it's out of his mouth, Max's shoulders tensing, even as his hands stay gentle around the chicks. He doesn't know how to backtrack though, doesn't really want to, so he watches as Max puts them down again and gets up, knees cracking.
He goes to make a joke about that too, something about Max getting old, but the words get stuck in his throat at the sight of Max's unhappy expression.
"Of course I'm coming back, Daniel," Max says with a frown, steely certainty behind it. "Did you think I was going to leave and..."
He doesn't finish his sentence, crossing his arms and looking away, blinking rapidly.
"I..." Daniel swallows, picking at a cuticle on his thumb. "I'm sorry."
It's again the wrong thing to say, Max turning back towards him, eyes shiny and thunderous expression.
"I love you, Daniel," he snaps, forceful and determined. "I love you, Daniel, not the you who races. I am not going to fuck off and leave just because..."
He shakes his head, reels himself in. Daniel doesn't know if he's breathing, but if he was, he stops when Max steps closer, bringing his hands up to cup his cheeks.
"I will have to leave, because I need to finish this season, and maybe the next, I don't know, but I am always coming back. Any time I can find time, I will be here. Or in LA, or wherever you will decide to be."
Max swipes his thumb along Daniel's cheekbone, leaning forward to gently thump their foreheads together.
"I wish you were racing with me," he whispers, a confession he hadn't let Daniel have yet. Daniel's heart is split open. "Always it is better, to race with you. I thought we would be racing until we both retired, but I don't care that it is different. I will miss you, when you're here and I am there, and then I will come back."
Max's fingers are damp with Daniel's tears now, and Daniel lets himself be tugged closer, wrapped in the safest arms he knows, hiding his face in Max's neck.
"I'm sorry," he croaks again when he finally finds his voice again, twisting his hands on the back of Max's sleep shirt.
He feels Max's take a deep breath, letting it out against Daniel's hair.
"I wish I could fix it," he says slowly, measuring his words, "but I don't like when you say that I will leave. I have never left. I will not start now."
And he's right, Daniel knows he's right, but it's been hard to remember what he still has lately, after everything went down.
He nods against Max's skin and then lets Max hold him, gently rocking side to side, the chicks peeping softly at their feet, until he doesn't feel like he's going to break with every stuttering breath anymore.
"I was thinking we could go down to the trail," he murmurs, lips dragging against Max's damp shirt. "Take some food, have a picnic. I bought bread rolls."
Max squeezes him tightly once more before putting some distance between them to be able to look at his face, smiling gently.
"I like that. You can make the food while I take the babies to their new coop."
Daniel freezes.
"You have bought a coop too, right Daniel?" Max asks, eyebrows raising. Daniel can feel himself blush.
"I...didn't think about it?" he tries to justify himself.
For a second Max just stares at him, and then he starts laughing, dropping his head against Daniel's chest.
"Stop laughing at me!" Daniel whines, hitting Max's shaking back, but making no move to step away.
Max hits him back, then straightens himself, laughter still etched in the lines of his face.
"Alright," he says, slightly out of breath, "we are going to buy a coop instead. Or build a coop, I don't know what is better, we'll have to call your dad. And we'll do the trail tomorrow, or the day after."
Tomorrow, or the day after.
It seems to hit Daniel all at once, that this is the start. He has tomorrow, and the day after, to do anything he wants. To go on hikes with his boyfriend, to think about new projects, to pick up old hobbies and interests, no schedules to stop him. And he will have tomorrow, and the day after, even when Max has to leave to go racing again, because Max will come back, to have more tomorrows, and the days after, with him.
He surges forward, crashing his lips against Max's, who gasps in surprise but eagerly kisses him back, until all that's left in his brain is tomorrow and Max.
Only then he lets Max go again, stepping back with a smile.
"Let's go get a house for the babies, baby."
And in the lines of Max's smile he can almost see it already: tomorrow, and the day after.
#and now i am going the fuck to sleep#i didn't read this back i am way too tired for that so please if it makes no sense if there are sentences out of place or typos or anything#just ignore it okay? thanks#maxiel#my writing#thank you again babe i hope you like this i love you#and yes i will push my 'daniel buys chickens for max' agenda until i DIE#i have now put it into three different fics already and i regret nothing#i know the start is a bit clunky but it's been rough okay just be nice
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“Oh, I’m sorry, baby. Want me to kiss it where it hurts?” Kirishima purrs up at you, his place between your thighs seemingly the closest thing he can get to ascension. His eyes are wide, his pupils blown out, any red swallowed up by the lust pooling in his eyes. he looks like the picture of adoration and worship, all faux worry and pure hunger as he bounces between your gaze and the pretty picture that twitches in front of his face. his eyes cross to watch the slick ooze from your hole, sighing.
“It’s the least you could do for me,” you pout to him, running your nails through his soft locks, tugging a little meanly at the root. “After using me like a toy on your cock for so long.” Your words are sighed wistfully, your eyes betraying just how much you want his mouth on you as he wants to taste you. Kiri moans at that, quiet and in the back of his throat, but you hear it none the less.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he repents, but it’s all for naught when his tongue laves over your sensitivity and doesn’t let up until you’re crying from the overstimulation once more. he’s so sorry—that you can only cum so many times before you tap out. he’s so sorry—that your thighs are more sore from tightening up around his head than his working jaw. he’s so sorry—that you’re so addicting, that he can lay between your legs until his last breath leaves him.
#I am so tired#I feel like I say that every time I write in the tags LOL SORRY#but today was so nice and it drained me in the good way lol#anyway I realized today that I don’t write enough for him by himself#and I felt guilty 😔#he’s just a big guy that doesn’t realize his own strength or stamina#and accidentally uses you like a little toy whenever he’s pent up#and he always tries to make it better with a kiss no matter where it’s at :(((#I love calling him big guy tho it’s my fav nickname#okay gn I sleeb now#—new treat in the streets! 🍫#kirishima treats! 🍬
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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i cleaned my room i changed my sheets i took a shower i am a normal human person now everybody cheers
#it sure does feel good to Be now#but oh my god it's so tiring to do stuff#shagdhgsadhgsahghga#wrestling with my 9kg weighted blanket is never fun#and also . shrimpmin was just zoooominggg back and forth on my bed while i was trying to change the sheets#silly guy#aanyway i love you guys!!!#i am stil incredibly slow with asks but i am just working very hard on the prince!gojo x knight!reader rewrite#it's at 9k now i think............#which is fucking scary and which is also the reason i'm only putting this in the tagshgsadghsadhhgas#it's way blooder and there's more fighting and well while i love that#i'm scared that ppl just won't read it yk#LIKE I PROMISE THERE'S SOME TASTY BICKERING TOO OKAY IT'S FUN I PROMISE I PROMISE I PROMISEEEE#sighh#writing is scary sometimes huh..#mayor of loserville
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In baseball, the "Shot Heard 'Round the World" was a walk-off home run hit by New York Giants outfielder and third baseman Bobby Thomson off Brooklyn Dodgers pitcher Ralph Branca at the Polo Grounds in New York City on October 3, 1951, to win the National League pennant. The game was seen by millions of viewers across America and heard on radio by millions more, including thousands of American servicemen stationed in Korea, listening on Armed Forces Radio. The dramatic victory to secure a pennant was intensified by the cross-town rivalry between the Giants and Dodgers and by a remarkable string of victories in the last weeks of the regular season by the Giants, who won 37 of their last 44 games to catch the first-place Dodgers and force a playoff series to decide the National League champion. (x)
m*a*s*h s09e06 a war for all seasons
#mash#m*a*s*h#mashedit#charles emerson winchester iii#father mulcahy#baseball#mine#m:mash#///#GREAT episode. i can't believe i got a baseball episode from m*a*s*h i am verklempt about it#had to make this because every reaction here is so valid and real. happy postseason season btw#now i need to say two very important things:#1) never bet on baseball. literally anything can happen at any time. baseball - despite being so into tracking every possible little stat -#defies statistical probability. it laughs in its face. betting has crept into baseball (and most sports!) in its evil slithering way lately#and i'm tired of it. get it outta here#2) HAWK KNOWS BALL OKAY i'm tired of seeing hawk portrayed as being a sportsball guy. not MY blorbo#also am i feeling soooo validated about my baseball au? yes. yes i am#also wow david fry literally just this instant hit a walk-off homer for the guardians. go guardians go mets
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Thinks about my next series again... I drew the icon for it!
I'm planning to have it launched within a year! I'm hoping for summer 2025. I want to make a prelaunch page before Time and Time Again ends so people can subscribe if they're interested, but I'm worried the series return would be too early...
#SORRY HAHAHA REPOSTING IMMEDIATELY#i. it. IM SORRY okay the.#i had 'im not interested in the comic' as an option but it immediately made me feel bad#DONT FEEL BAD IF YOU PICKED IT i put it there#i just realized its not really a helpful metric to me at all!#im making the comic either way!#so i just want to gague interest. disinterest doesnt do much for me. you can come and go as you please!#just wanting to retain readers as much as possible but without losing them due to taking too long#ahhhh the balance of marketing. a beautiful beast she is.#anyways yeah hoping to launch like about as tta is ending#or like at LEAST a prelaunch page by then#im also not intending for the prelaunch page to be like. announced...#moreso just a link i append on art for the series!#just so when a drawing of zagan gets 500 notes#people who are interested in what hes from can. see that...#anyways. sorry i haven't been posting work is wild im going 70+ hours a week again i am so tired#not much time to draw non work stuff#im hanging on by a thread of having multiple projects i can bounce between again#and sometimes thats this one! so heres the results of some mental health work variety#we were legion#polls#sorry for the instant repost. in my defense. i am exhausted.#i can not wait until im making a different comic that i can do a fucking. normal ass schedule with#where im not every week gasping for breath in some kind of bad at swimming metaphor.#anyways if youre not interested dont tell me. it doesnt matter to me. no offense but i just dont wanna hear it.#i want to make the comic and my audience as much as i love you all is not going to have any control over what i do with my art#im gonna make this comic if i only get it done on weekends after getting home from the fuckin movie theater#i am not working for webtoon again wnd im not forcing myself into the dirt for comics again#but im also never gonna stop making them. just need to build a healthier relationship!#FUCK I MADE IT A ONE DAY POLL.
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💛 Keep your memories close to your heart 💛
#I played Pocket Mirror for the 3rd time to play LGTS and for the first time I feel like I actually understand the story#I played for the first time all the way back in 2016 and the second just the year after I think#Really like the game! I have a lot of nostalgia attached to it#the remake looks gorgeous all around and all the music is amazing#the only flaw is the dialogue that can be a little too much at times#yes harpae I am okay for the love of god stop asking all the time please#Anyway! i could have polished this more but honestly I'm just tired of looking at this drawing so here you have it#and if you havent please consider checking out the game! LGTS too! Both are great!#digital art#artists on tumblr#fanart#goldia die heilige#goldia pocket mirror#pocket mirror
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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well well well if it isn’t the thing that was already implied to have happened
sending love to the copers
#i mean i myself am coping about hakuri#there’s no way he’d die from this he’s so okay definitely just a little tired#and i’m the only one who’s allowed to joke about it if anyone even breathes he could die i’ll mei shred#kagurabachi#my post
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whoever thought it's a great fucking idea to sit tf down and count hypothetical money quackity would make from streaming FREQUENTLY, laying it out with passive agressive comments on how this could save qsmp from the financial downfall - literally NOBODY FUCKING ASKED, GET A DAMN LIFE. i am once again aggressively tapping the sign saying no way fandom can get into every business thinking it is their sole right to fix things, presenting their opinion as the only correct one, moreover, trying to talk as if they are the expert on the subjet, MOREOVER, trying to speak like his damn BOSS. (spoiler: you are NOT). it's pure manager anti behaviour. whatever happenned wtih treating ccs like humans they are, amirite !!! i understand being disappointed and angry with him over how things turned out, but at this point some fuckers will not be satisfied with anything Q does, it's never going to be enough. (fuck these people sincerely, as well as their irrelevant ass takes). (in general, Q was never a long stream guy, at the beginning of the year he did mention he wants to stream more, doing things he likes, but then shit hit the fan, so. literally one of the recent streams he did, the one where he painted, he did because he felt sad and wanted to do smth nice. he is literally not your type of streamer who'd grind for money and subs, idk what to tell ya)
#qsmp fandom neg#qsmpblr neg#qsmp discourse#discourse#not to mention they compared q's stream hours with BBH. ARE YOU OKAY???#not to mention twitch has its own share from all the revenue and it just gets bigger with each year#idk shrugs im just tired of how weird ppl behave twrds q sometimes#this post IS about these people AND IN NO WAY I AM TRYING TO INVALIDATE WORKERS . THAT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT SENTENCE.
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I’m allowed one (1) vent of the colossal amounts of pressure my body and mind are under per month and i usually do my best to bury it in the early hours of the morning, so now that i’ve provided this valuable and important context:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#my stuff#i need to be beaten to death i need to be eaten alive i need to be slashed and stabbed and burned to ash#nothing i do will ever EVER be enough to make up for the existential guilt that gnaws at my soul#i’m hungry i’m tired i’m stressed about work and the safety and well-being of my family and friends#i miss my goddamn ex over a year after the end of a 6 month relationship like a pathetic wretch#i will never be pretty the way i wanted to be as a child and can only make myself enough of a freak that i don’t care#i want to be brutally harmed so the flesh of my body will show a fraction of the damage i feel inside#these wounds do not heal no matter how much i try to treat them with friendship and food and music and life#it is all insufficient. i was not supposed to live this long.#i try every day to be kind and to make the world a better place so that maybe just maybe i can say i earned the right to live that day#it never feels like enough. it probly never will#i’m so angry i’m so sad i feel incurable lonely no matter how much time i spend with friends#as soon as the call is over or i head home the darkness washes right back in and i feel like an abandoned cat on the roadside again#i want everything to be okay. It’s not right now#i want everyone i love to be warm to be safe to have enough to eat but I AM NOT GOD#i can’t fix everything no matter how much it makes me writhe inside#i’m a broke fucking grad student with a useless fucking project and they should bury me alive in the field research camp#perhaps a vegetable would cause less despair
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I wanted to draw my own take on ART-as-a-presence-in-the-feed but struggled with what path to take for A While bc all I had was that I was adamant about a winding, serpentine body, too large to take in at once and So Good at piling upon your shoulders with weight that's either overwhelming or comforting, take your pick
And then I brought in the hexagons and everything just worked
(They let me give it a face without an actual face, make for a good shorthand to show that it's talking/present in potential future art, and as a bonus serve as an homage to JWST bc hey, science!)
Partially brought to you by a whole lot of listening to Satellite by Starset
#ive hit the 'i just wanna stop looking at it' phase tho so here. take it#digital art#fanart#murderbot#the murderbot diaries#asshole research transport#character design#somehow this is what taught me how to make custom brushes in krita (it was for the face hexagons)#okay i am fuckin Tired but im still reeling from Network Effect and i care these two dipshits so much#i picked orange for ART to contrast Murderbots blue#but unfortunately also bc its been stuck in my brain as orange-aligned from the moment it appeared#bc my first impression was 'oh youre like simaris but not fuckin infuriating'#which is a Very unfair comparison btw bc i cant fuckin stand simaris but i love ART dearly#also a million other reasons but yeah. sorry bud you got assigned orange at introduction#at some point during the desing process it also had a whole bunch of hands since its controlling so many things at once with ease#but i had no way to make that look good and keep with the original vision of 'annoying long weighted blanket'
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the Immediate switch from "this is bearable" to "I wanna kms" any time my boss switches up the schedule by an hour at random (happens weekly)
#i feel like i am using 100% of my energy surviving and it's been that way for years#i can't think of anything better to try for. my brain just doesn't do that most of the time#i just don't even know what it would feel like if things were better or what i want#i don't have that in me#friends and family are wondering why i can't move on or set goals or get better or seem happier. and i just.#everything has to come out of something else if i do the laundry it comes out of the energy i have to go out#if i go out i lose the energy i have to feel okay while i'm at work#if i watch a show or read it comes out of my do the dishes energy#if i try to message people on dating apps it comes out of my work social energy storage and i get weird#if i do job apps or my taxes it comes out of the emotional regulation energy and i get angry unexpectedly#i just can't find a way to have more energy i have tried everything and i'm still so tired
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i have officially returned. ask me anything.
#random thoughts#i'll probably answer it tomorrow because i'm tired. i don't know why.#ciel if you see this i've been nicer to myself these past few days following your birthday. taking care of myself in general aspects.#which i sort of hate myself for but it's okay because. uh. i won't be like this forever. i'll be better at what i'm trying to do i promise.#new year's resolution is not fucking with me.........#oh also!! i've been sort of feeling like a dead person at times. and also like a cockroach. i have had to repeatedly tell myself that#i'm not dead i'm not dead!!!!#because i'm not. obviously. and i know i'm not. my brain is just silly. it likes to tell me i am things i am not like book characters.#and recently my mother got me my own rosary and we've been practicing praying together with my brother.#can you imagine how bad it must be for me to turn to christianity as a coping mechanism? not even when i was terrorized with death thoughts#not even in august for fuck's sake.#but it's actually not that bad. though i think i like the idea of organized religion more than i like being a part of it.#also i feel like my being catholic (mostly non-practicing) is betraying the queer community somehow. like. queer people have suffered#so much because of the christian church in general. so it's like. being christian is weird when i'm also queer.#but also then i feel weird when i try to do things in relation to christianity. like. put saint in my artist name.#that feels blasphemous i don't know. is it?????? it's not that serious either way but. augh.#i am going to write a song about this. also fellow christians is it okay to use the lyric 'uselessly clutching her rosary' or is that bad?#because i mean. technically. the she i'm referring to sort of is. because god isn't solving any of our problems.#he's just fucking. watching. if he's even real.#(and no my disappearance isn't related to the catholicism thing it's something else. as in the one thing i haven't told anyone else but cie#and an irl friend. if you are ciel then i am completely open to talking about said thing.#otherwise i will continue to drop cryptic little notes on my blog because I AM SILLY. {: )#going to play roblox now and maybe say hello to you fuckers on discord for a bit of fun. goodbye.
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