#I am learning to navigating those contradictions

[fountainpenchess]

— from coping with ocd: practical strategies for living well with obsessive-compulsive disorder by bruce m. hyman and troy dufrene

[daenerystemper]

I remembered something. It’s from the wretched season. The two hacks had Dany say “I’ve never begged for anything” which contradicted how she said in S2 “I’m begging you”. Those two really were inconsistent with their own story weren’t they? But I also don’t like the implications. I think they were trying to portray Dany as this arrogant and prideful woman who was so proud that she wouldn’t beg for anything or be humble. And they clearly wanted to portray her “begging for the first time” as her being selfish. Those two hacks never understood her character. They didn’t understand any of the characters. I take satisfaction knowing their wretch awful season burned their show and their careers to the ground. I just hope GRRM will finish the books and give the story and characters the writing and hopefully ending they deserve. I have a lot of hope that Dany will get a good ending in the books

it’s surprising that they forgot they had daenerys begging for things as well considering how badly they intentionally butchered her season two arc.  rather than showcasing her as a queen who is learning how to navigate court,  they have daenerys demanding to be let in & given things because she has dragons which is not something that happens in the books since the qartheen come looking for her instead.  the thing is,  there’s nothing “wrong” with begging for help.  for example,  daenerys’s major goal starting from a clash of kings where she begins learning how to maneuver politically is to find ships. she doesn't like to beg, but she isn't above it.

“Xaro Xhoan Daxos would be no help to her, she knew that now. For all his professions of devotion, he was playing his own game, not unlike Pyat Pree. The night he asked her to leave, Dany had begged one last favor of him. “An army, is it?” Xaro asked. “A kettle of gold? A galley, perhaps?” Dany blushed. She hated begging. “A ship, yes.” Xaro’s eyes had glittered as brightly as the jewels in his nose. “I am a trader, Khaleesi. So perhaps we should speak no more of giving, but rather of trade. For one of your dragons, you shall have ten of the finest ships in my fleet. You need only say that one sweet word.” “No,” she said.” DAENERYS V,  A CLASH OF KINGS

i think it’s important to note that only daenerys’s begging in seen as humiliating because it comes across as petulant.  she doesn’t want to “share” the throne.  she is so manipulative & convincing that she would “overpower jon” should he give into her,  despite tyrion successfully talking jon into murdering daenerys because she kills “evil men”.  in comparison,  jon spends several seasons begging for more soldiers at the wall.  he & sansa both partake in begging northern houses to help them in their cause to retake winterfell.  daenerys parallels mostly with gendry begging arya to love him rather than being a fully-fleshed out character within season eight.  his only purpose is to love arya,  be made the trueborn son of robert & do little else.

what d&d forgot repeatedly is that dany is a negotiator before she is a beggar.  her worth is in her many titles:  the mother of dragons,  the bride of dragons,  the rightful heir to the iron throne.  she negotiates one dragon for an army of unsullied.  she negotiates her own marriage for peace in meereen.  for all the repeated foreshadowing within season seven & eight,  daenerys should have successfully negotiated a marriage pact with the king in the north, especially once learning about his true birth so that claims of him being the true inheritor of the throne could be avoided. but d&d would rather humiliate her character.

it’s misogyny that they have daenerys begging jon repeatedly throughout season eight to not tell anyone,  to love her,  to be with her even in the moments leading up to her death.  she’s presented as a dreamy fool stuck between tyrion’s all-knowing genius & jon’s impeccable honor.  even though they’re all painfully watered down,  daenerys suffers the most & becomes a fridged woman so that jon can mourn her painstakingly over the last twenty minutes of the final episode to show just how torn he is about doing “the right thing.”

[vannahfanfics]

Hello! I requested a fire emblem three houses matchup commission on kofi. Pronouns are she/her. No preference for gender.

Personality: Emotional and imaginative, frequent daydreamer, stubborn and independent, observant and adaptable, anxious and guarded around other people.

I am friendly when approached but difficult to get to know and struggle with being vulnerable. I tend to mimic the behavior of and match the energy of whoever I am interacting with. I prioritize others wellbeing over my own and frequently exhaust myself in the process. I tend to contradict myself or behave unpredictably. I am both affectionate and closed off, practical and impulsive, a fast learner and forgetful. I’ve learned to embrace it and would need to be with someone who can keep up with and not be annoyed by the variability.

Hobbies: reading (very interested in psychological and scifi stuff), listening to music, puzzle games, walking and hiking, i write poetry but am very private about it LOL. I sing pretty much constantly. I’m not terrible but I’m not great at it either. So, ideally, a partner who would not be bothered by that.

Values: family and loyalty

My family is extremely important to me and I am very close with both my parents and sibling. My priority is always to take care of them. My closest friends hold the same value as my biological family to me. At my core I am a very caring and devoted person and I want to be given the same energy back.

In a relationship I value security and communication. I have a deep desire to be understood, cared for, and protected. I also want to be challenged and feel inspired by them to be a better version of myself.

Other details: I am touchstarved but afraid to ask for affection and too nervous to initiate. In romantic relationships I am inexperienced and tend to come off like a frightened animal so I would need a partner who can navigate that compassionately.

My emotions are strong and can change rapidly. I am someone who for the most part internalizes this but I am, unfortunately, very easy to read. I wear what I’m feeling on my face and am only occasionally successful at masking it with neutrality.

I apologize for being longwinded and thank you so much! I hope you are having a good day/evening/night!! <3

Thank you for your commission! I've been struggling with writer's block for months now, and I was really excited when I got this not only because it was for a new fandom I've gotten into recently, but also because it did a good job of getting the ol' juices flowing again. So, thanks! XD I hope you like it!

I match you with...

Claude von Riegan from Fire Emblem: Three Houses!

All right, I'll admit up front that I'm a little biased when it comes to Claude because he's my favorite Three Houses character. He hooked me from the first moment he appeared, and the Golden Deer route was my first route. Still, it's not my own personal bias toward him that led me to pair him with you for this match-up! I've got lots of reasons why I think this dashing fellow is the one for you!

First and foremost, you and Claude have very similar personalities. In some cases, this might lead to an incompatible relationship, but I don't think that would be the case for you and Claude! Rather, I think that the similarities in your personalities would allow the two of you to connect with and understand each other on a very deep, emotional level. Like Claude, you maintain a friendly and approachable persona that likely gathers you lots of friends and acquaintances, but in reality, struggle to be vulnerable with any of them for quite some time; it takes a lot for both of you to let those walls down and really let someone in. Your behavior often ends up contradictory because of it, like a practiced dance that you just can't help but engage in with others because of your own apprehensions. I think that Claude would find you a kindred spirit in this sense and gravitate toward you because of it. If anyone can truly understand him, it will be someone who ticks the same way, right? Likewise, he'd be able to understand you, since his mind operates the same way—and especially since you are easier to read than some others might be, having difficulty masking your true feelings a lot of the time. I think he'd find it refreshing, having someone around whom he didn't have to try to puzzle out all the time and someone who didn't find him as much as a puzzle as everyone else seemed to. He'd probably find your inability to conceal your emotions and feelings pretty adorable and tease you about it, just a little bit! It comes from a place of genuine endearment, of course. It'd start out innocent at first, on his part, just searching for something familiar amidst all the unfamiliarity in his life, but he'd soon find himself opening up to you without realizing it, I think—and when he did realize it, he'd also realize that he's down pretty bad for you!

There are other facets of your personality that would draw him in, too, that would result in him falling for you. He's definitely got his own stubbornness about him, and he'll find someone who can match his energy entertaining. He's also very independent, and he values that in people. He's also exceptionally observant and adaptable, and he'll definitely want someone like that around to aid in his various schemes, hehe! He'll also respect your sense of loyalty, for loyalty is also something that he values immensely. He'll especially respect your loyalty to your family, being such a family-oriented person as he is. He's also a big one on devotion, and the fact that you'll be just as devoted to him as he is to you will be a big thing for him. He will definitely give you that energy back; it doesn't matter if you're on different continents altogether, he'll make sure you know that you're the only one for him!

You value communication in relationships. Claude might struggle with this in the beginning, what with his need to guard his secrets closely. With time, however, he will open up, and once that barrier is broken, Claude will keep no secrets from you. He knows that communication is important if a relationship is going to be serious and long-lasting, and he is willing to be open once it gets to that point. He will see your desires to be cared for and protected, and by golly, will he provide! It doesn't matter if it's him against the whole world; he'll do what he has to to keep you safe. He'll make sure you feel loved every day, and he's a master at utilizing all the little things to accomplish that. He'll also deeply respect your desire to be challenged and pushed to be the best version of yourself that he can be, and he'll do whatever he can to help you reach your goals, whatever they may be.

You mentioned that you're a bit hesitant in relationships, nervous to initiate and unsure in navigating them; that's okay! Claude's depth of emotional intelligence will let him pick up on that immediately, and though he will find it so cute that he'll want to scream, he'll also know what you need and act accordingly. He'll never push you beyond a point you don't want to go; he'll take everything at your pace, every word and action dictated by nothing but your comfort level. His dashing prince act might seem a bit much at times, but it's genuinely all from the heart. He adores you and wants you to feel safe and secure with him, no matter what, so he'll do everything and anything to that end. <3

Finally, I think you and Claude would click together because you share a lot of the same interests! Claude's a big reader, and not just for the sake of his schemes. He loves knowledge and soaks everything he can up like a sponge. He may not be one to read fiction as much, but he'd happily sit with you and lose himself in some encyclopedia or another while you lose yourself in a story. He'd also love puzzle games, I feel, seeing as he approaches a lot of situations and things as a puzzle. Nothing brings him more satisfaction than seeing a problem he's been chipping away at come together, and so I feel like he'd be down to tackle puzzle games with you—and he'd be damn good at it, too! I also think that Claude would love going on hikes and walks with you. His mind is constantly working, and though it'd take a bit to actually drag him away from something he's invested himself in, once you do, he'll greatly enjoy losing himself in nice scenery somewhere—especially if it's just the two of you. It'll be enough for him to let it all fall away, all the things occupying his mind, and enjoy simply being with you. Finally, I feel like Claude's got a secret love of music himself. :3 He'll not only enjoy your tendency to break out in song, but he'll do it right along with you! It will not be an uncommon occurrence for him to spontaneously sweep you up in a duet and a dance, even if you both have to drop everything to do it, LOL.

In summary, you and Claude have a lot in common, both in terms of personality and passions, and I think that would lead to you being able to understand each other in a way that people don't often get to understand one another. <3

Now, for the second part of the match-up, I wanna circle back to Claude's endeavor to make you feel loved! Really, this man loves with every fiber of his being, and he's going to go above and beyond to ensure that you know just how much he adores you. He ain't ashamed about it, either; he's proud of his simping LOL I feel like Claude is more of a gestures person when it comes to showing affection. He tells you how much you mean to him often, too, but he has always been a big believer that actions speak louder than words, and this man's actions equate to him screaming how much he loves you from the rooftops, LOL

Love notes. This man is huge on love notes. He leaves them everywhere. When you're in the shower, he writes little notes in the fogged-up mirror for you to find when you get out. He sticks them in books you're reading for you to find the next time you resume them. He sticks them in the pockets of your jackets for you to have a pleasant little surprise to find when your hands seek escape from the cold. His ingenious in his hiding of them to where it's more often than not that you discover them when he's not around, but obvious enough to where they will inevitably be found. Even if it's just a simple, "I hope you're having a good day when you find this! :) I know I am because I have you", he just wants you to know that you occupy his mind 24/7. And you do! Claude is constantly blown away by the thought of how lucky he feels to have you in his life. <3

He loves to surprise you with flowers. There doesn't need to be any special occasion. He just loves to see your face light up with surprised delight when you discover a new, bow-wrapped vase with a fresh bouquet of flowers. Seeing you smile gives him a dopamine rush unlike anything else.

Acts of service! Huuuuuge, huge, huge acts of service guy, too. If you need help with anything, anything at all, he is there. It is not uncommon for you to come home and find that he has done every single chore for the day—cleaned the house from top to bottom, cooked you dinner, drew you a warm bubble bath. Whenever Claude feels that you're becoming stressed and overwhelmed with life, he will step in and remove as many of those stressors as he can until you feel better. You can come to him for aid with any problem, and he'll figure it out, someway, somehow. No obstacle is insurmountable for Claude, especially when it comes to his dearly beloved!

More than anything, Claude shows his love for you by being willing to spare each and every spare moment with you. Life can be busy sometimes, and it's easy to get caught up in your own things, but Claude will always, always make sure that he drops all his responsibilities and obligations for at least a little bit of time each day to be with you. Nothing is more important to him than being with you for a few precious moments each day, if it's just lazily cuddling because you've both been exhausted by the toils and trials of the day. He's there with open arms and a big smile, ready to wrap you up and take you away from the wearying world for just a little while. <3

Finally, for the last part of your match-up, a scenario! I think it's pretty inevitable that Claude discovers your penchant for poetry, no matter how hard you try to keep it a secret, LOL. The man is just too good at rooting out secrets. As soon as he's got an inkling that you're hiding something from him, he's on the scent like a bloodhound, desperate to solve the mystery. It's only a matter of time before the jig's up, and here's how I think it'd go down:

You should have known he was onto you.

You had been vigilant at first, of course. You'd secured your poems away tucked away in a dark corner of your closet where Claude had no business looking in the early days of your blossoming relationship. You'd moved them to progressively more secure locations as things had grown more serious, determined to keep this part of your life a secret for as long as possible. You hadn't feared rebuke or ridicule, and you still don't, not from Claude; it was just embarrassing, sharing a creative talent like that with somebody, in a way that you just couldn't explain. You'd share it with him when the time was right, you had told yourself. But until then, you'd keep it hidden, keep it safe...

You should have known better, truly. It was only a matter of time.

You had started out so well, but somewhere along the way, you got complacent... and you got sloppy. Claude had been on to you from the very first time it happened, the very first time you'd practically leaped across the room to hastily conceal a harmless-looking scrap of paper from his too-keen, too-curious eyes. He'd nagged you then, begging to know what you were so desperate to hide from him, but he'd dropped the subject when you'd refused to relinquish the tantalizing knowledge and grown teary in your mortified distress. He'd relented, not wishing to cause you undue upset... but oh, he hadn't forgotten. He'd filed that little nugget of knowledge away, knowledge that you had a secret, and his frightening powers of observation had been activated that day. He'd never spoken of it again, but only because he'd been biding his time, a coiled cobra waiting for the perfect time to strike...

It really was inevitable—finding yourself here, clinging to Claude's back like a spidermonkey as he holds one of your poems just out of reach and reads the handwritten script with eager interest bordering on triumphant rapture.

"Claude!" you shriek, reaching over his broad shoulder in a vain attempt to swipe at the paper far out of reach of your desperate fingers. "Put it down! Put it down!"

"Come on, there's no need to be so upset," he laughs, refusing to tear his blue-green eyes from his hard-earned prize. "You had it sitting out in the open! You wanted me to find it!"

He's right, and you know it; on some level, you've grown weary of the constant vigilance, and your mind had betrayed you by causing you to leave one of your recent poems where he could get his grubby little hands on it. You know it, yet you can't stop yourself from panicking and trying to shove the cat back in the bag, even though you know it's impossible.

"Clauuuuuuuuude!"

Undeterred by your shrill whines and slaps at the paper, he continues to read the poem. After one or two more flails of your arm, you give up. It's like you aren't even there; supporting your frantically wiggling form with a slight stoop and one arm around one of your legs, which are crossed across his stomach, his hand doesn't so much as shake as he holds the paper aloft and ravenously drinks in the words borne of your sensitive soul. With a groan, you defeatedly drop your face into Claude's shoulder right as he finishes reading his find.

"Hey."

You don't answer him, prompting him to jostle your body slightly and repeat in a more insistent tone, "Hey."

"What?" you grumble without lifting your head. Your panic has morphed into a mixture of embarrassment and frustration and a wee bit of anger at what you felt was a transgression of your privacy, and you are in no mood to entertain the teasing he is sure to inflict upon you now.

"It's good."

"What?" you ask again, this time whipping your head up in shock. Claude had been looking at you, and if weren't for his fast reflexes, your forehead would have collided directly with his. He laughs as he ducks his head sideways to avoid your noggin knocking his into next week, then smiles brightly in response to your open-mouthed gape of utter astonishment.

"I said, it's good!" he repeats eagerly.

You are immediately overcome with doubt, and your mouth snaps shut into a firm frown.

"You're just saying that," you sigh, slipping down from his back. Tiredness now overwhelms you as the adrenaline surge begins to fade from your blood; you totter over to the nearest surface, which happens to be your sofa, and you plop face-first into it with another long, drawn-out groan that is slightly muffled by the cushions.

"No, really! I mean it!" Claude insists, immediately following after you. He forces himself in the small bit of space between you and the cushions, and you are faced with the choice of either being shoved off the couch and onto the floor or turning on your side to face you. Though slithering off the couch to puddle on the floor like a pile of goop is tempting, you end up turning to face Claude instead; if you did slipped to the floor, he'd just follow you down there. So, you obediently turn, and Claude props himself up on one elbow and rests his cheek in his hand as the other taps the piece of paper against your nose.

"Hey." Claude smiles that innocent, boyish smile of his at you, and despite yourself, you find yourself being drawn in. Though you're pouting as you peer through your lashes up at him, your heart is now fluttering with hope. Does he really find your poetry good?

"Hey," you reply sullenly, eyes drifting down to the paper hovering between you.

"I mean it, you know," Claude repeats softly, eyes glittering over the top of the paper. "It's lovely."

"You really think so...?"

"Sure do," he quips, not hesitating for a second, and you just can't help but melt into him in relief because you know it's true.

A shy smile toying at your lips, you wind your arms around his neck and snuggle close to him as you bashfully mumble, "I'm sorry..."

"Sorry for what?" he asked, tilting his head slightly as his eyes widened in genuine bewilderment.

"Freaking out." Your apology barely sneaks around your teeth, which are worrying your bottom lip. "I was just... so embarrassed in the moment that I just couldn't help it."

"Mmm, that's okay," Claude shrugs, idly flipping the paper around his fingers as his focus is now one hundred percent on you. "It's kind of my fault, too, for pushing it. Wasn't very nice of me. I just couldn't help it," he admitted, his smile now turning lopsided with sheepish contrition. "You know how I get. As soon as I suspected you were hiding something from me, I had to get to the bottom of it. Especially 'cuz I figured it was something like this." He glances at the paper again, and you roll your eyes as he smirks in triumph. "And I sure did~"

"You're insufferable, you know that?" you mutter, and he just chuckles before dropping a placating kiss on the top of your head. Despite yourself, you are indeed placated; with a hum, you drop your head, close your eyes, and cuddle into him. You feel Claude shift as he flicks the paper onto the nearby side table so he can wrap his arm around your waist and hold you close. It is then that you process exactly what he'd said, and you crack an eye open as you frown.

"Hey... What did you mean by 'especially because you figured it was something like this?'" you ask.

Claude had also closed his eyes, preparing to doze; like a lazy lion rousing from sleep, he slowly peeked his eye open to look down at you.

"Mmm? Exactly what it sounds like," he answers nonchalantly. "I figured it was some sort of writing of yours. I wanted to read it."

"Why?"

"Because it's yours," he answers simply, both his eyes opening as he smiles softly at you. "It came from you. That in and of itself makes it worth reading, to me."

"Claude..." you breathe, swept off your feet by how overwhelmingly romantic the simplicity and authenticity of his answer was. You swell with adoration, nearly bursting with it, and it brings tears of gratitude and happiness and a whole host of other emotions to your eyes. You just bite down on your bottom lip and give him a tight squeeze, which he reciprocates with a boyish grin.

"So?" he asks eagerly.

"So?" you question, unsure of what he's asking.

"You'll let me read more of your poems, right?" he explains, grin widening. On the surface, he looks mischievous, but you can see the genuine interest sparkling underneath.

So that's why you swallow your instinctive hesitation, bury your face in his chest, cling tightly to his form, and smile widely as you shyly utter, "Okay, Claude... Just 'cuz it's you."

"'Just 'cuz it's me,' huh?" he chuckles, rubbing your back to soothe your nervous squirming. "Boy, do I feel special." He hugs you then, and his breath tickles your ear as he murmurs, "Can't ever be as special as you are, though. I'm no poet."

Oh, but he was, though he'd never know it. He was a poet among poets, only his poetry was weaved from not words, but the special bond between him and you. You can only dream of crafting art that rivaled what Claude made out of his love for you... but until your magnum opus came, you suppose you can share with Claude the words that you pull from the window to your soul, if only to let him know that you love him as much as he does you.

Because you do love him. You really, really do.

Interested in a commission? Check out this post!

[tonberry-yoda]

Hi Tonberry! I'm so excited about this whole Valentine's Day event! I would like a matchup with a JJBA character!

I'm a small (153 cm ~ 5'2 ft) Hungarian straight woman (so I use she/her pronouns) with shoulder long wavy, dark blonde hair with thin blonde highlights. I'm slightly chubby. My eyecolour is hazel and I wear glasses because I have astigmia.

My favourite colors are black, yellow, blue and purple. Besides my native language I can speak German and English. For most of these MBTI tests I got INFP (though I don't believe in this I think our personality grows, changes)

I'm not the most talkative person, I have problems with communicating with others since I was in elementary. I have a hard time to warm up to others, got anxious about it, but if I find my people I slowly open up, and even crack some jokes and can be really sarcastic. I always say sorry about everything, even if it wasn't my fault.

I have a huge imagination and do a lot of day-dreaming. I don't like being dropped into a situation without being prepared, but if I can use some skills well, sometimes it looks like I can improvise. Like for example I got drama lessons in the local theater and I could pull off some characters better (mom, serious director etc.) than others.

I consider myself as someone who deeply cares about people. I want to help others but I don't know how and am afraid that someone only wants to use me. And no matter what philosophies I grab to navigate myself in this wild world, I always return to people. We are ugly and beautiful at the same time and it's so devastastating seeing people treating each other shit. I know these contradict each other. But MARINA's two songs, Savages and To Be Human explain my feelings towards humanity.

My hobbies: I love listening to music, it always got my back when I was alone. And reading some good character-driven book always moves my imagination. I like spending time with a friend of mine and talking about films, music, and dirty jokes (they're mostly about JoJo and JJK lol)and maybe I'm the one who would stop the chaos between the two of us. Like to search for different languages and cultures on Google and different playlists on youtube or 8tracks. Oh and watching playthroughs of videogames on Youtube.

I have a wide taste in music I guess? From Starset through Fall Out Boy and Panic! At the Disco to mashups and videogame OSTs I listen to anything. But my favourite band is Starset. I'm always afraid to show other people my music taste because one time I've got booed that it's not danceble 😅 (the song I put in then was Anna Sun by Walk the Moon) I have playlists on youtube, where I listen to music I like: [x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

I don't think I have a special aesthetic; my outfits are 99% simple T-shirt + Jeans combo. Indoor I wear one of my oversized band T-shirts I inherited from one of my cousins. So I would say my aesthetic is casual I guess? Though my favourite aesthetic is spacecore but I like dark, light, chaotic academia and a bit grungecore too.

My ideal partner would be someone who's suave, can listen to me (and I could listen to him too) and I can spend some quality time but at the same time assures me with words that he loves me and I'm not a burden to him. And while on the outside he could sometimes look like he's just a goofball or just a flirting idiot, he can be pretty serious, deep down he's more than just a clown. I would like to know more about his culture, language too (yes even if his native language is English) and would like to learn it. Or he can be a kind, empathetic guy, who cares about his friends, family, helps others selflessly. Who can understand my pain about people but always reminds me with his actions why I love humanity besides hating it.

Ideal date: honestly, anything that makes him happy. I mostly would like quiet dates where we can chill (I'm not into those big parties where hundreds of people are, they drain me and make me feel I don't belong anywhere) like laying down and stargazing, holding each others' hands, hugging, kissing. We would teach each other words from our language. (I would teach him some cussing words too 😏 We Hungarians are proud of our cussings XD) But sometimes going to a carneval or a city program or just to the town's marketplace looking for trinkets or just watching the wares and people there is good too.

Ah sorry this became too long! Hope you have a great day/night!

notes 💌: hello dear! I am so happy to be doing a matchup for you <3 and thank you so much for showing so much interest in this event! i have been loving planning it and writing all the matchups so far, even if ive just done one lol. i am excited for the next seven days! happy valentine's day, my dear and i really hope you love who I chose for you <333

The character Cupid chooses for you this Valentine's Day is...

DIO!!

are you surprised?

cuz I sure was

i was not expecting you to pair with him, but it honestly fits

so hear me out

dio is the kind of man who is very easy to open up to

and sure, he can be manipulative to others, but i think that he wouldnt be that way around you

you are just a very real person and he is amazed by that

he wants to listen to what you have to say, not what he wants you to say

he likes hearing your true feeling and he's just so romantic omfg

he thinks that you are so talented and amazing

the reason i thought you two would fit was because of your philosophies on people

the way you think about them is amazing and really hits close to home for dio especially because he is a vampire

he could honestly listen to you talk for hours on end

he would goof off with you and your friend and definitely surprise you the the dirty jokes that come out of his mouth

you two also listen to the same music

especially MARINA

he's not a huge fan of your fashion sense tho

so expect him to dress you up LMFAO

and if you dont want to, thats totally fine, but he thinks you could show off a little bit more

he would love to teach you about his culture and all the culture he's been around

the man has traveled a lot, so you get some amazing stories out of him

he will never stop expressing how much he loves you and will always listen to your stories and even joke around with you <3

he may be an evil vampire, but he's your evil vampire <333333

💌 How would he ask you to be his Valentine??

I think he would wake you up to kisses that you cant help but roll over and giggle to, trying to push his face away. He would keep kissing you everywhere until you open one eye and see him holding a teddy bear with a heart on its chest that says "will you be my valentine?" who are you to say no?

💌 Valentine's Day Date

The two of you ate a lovely dinner and even dressed up for the occasion, even it it was just at home. You had spent the entire day together just spending time together and doing whatever romantic activity you could on valentine's day. But DIO had told you that he had something planned for the evening, but you had no clue what. DIO led you upstairs after doing the dished and you both put on some warm pajamas that you had that were 100% matching. He grabbed both of your hands and brushed his lips over his knuckled and you could feel his fangs hit your hand a bit, but it never hurt. "I want to show you something." He said, pressing a kiss onto your temple. He led you downstairs and to the backyard where you found what looked like a pillowfort with the ceiling cut out so you could watch the stars together and fall asleep under the moon. There were fairly lights strung on the fort and snacks everywhere over the fluffy blankets DIO had set out. You turned to DIO with a huge smile. "Babe!" You jumped into his arms, nearly making him fall onto the grass. He picked you up and led you to the fort where you cuddled all night, watching the stars pressed against each other. "Did you have a good day?" DIO asked, rubbing your arm and pressing little kisses all over your cheeks. "Yes," you smiled, squeezing his hand. "Did you?" "Of course I did. Happy Valentine's day, my love." You ended up in each other's arms all night and talked about whatever came to mind. <3

~~~~~

mystery date rules | pinned post @tonberry-yoda

[savage-rhi]

Thank you so much with being open and sharing about this, even though it was very personal! I wasn't asking to stir up any drama, but to hear what happened and be able to form my own opinions. You're one of my favorite ppl in DS community, and its upsetting to hear what he did to you. If you're someone that has that much fame and power as he does, there's a certain amount of responsibility to be a better person.

(And, Idk if this is relevent, and its not my place to know, but allistics need to learn how to communicate and not be awful to autistic people. Theres a few celebrities that I've met as a fan, and they really need work on that when interacting with autistic fans. Sorry if I'm projecting/it's not my place to speak, but I do think it needs to be said)

(Also, if its not too much trouble, could you please link the stuff about david and his band, I'm unfamiliar with both of those issues)

I apologize for being assumptive toward your earlier intentions nonny. I was coming from a space of hurt since the questions triggered some of those said past negative experiences I had with him. I also want to acknowledge I set clear boundaries because I don't need anon hate coming at me for critiquing a VO who is for all intents and purposes, greatly admired and everywhere. I appreciate and thank you for clarifying where you were coming from.

I will say while I am not officially diagnosed as autistic (just speaking as someone that's neurodivergent) you brought up a good point with celebrities not being mindful toward those that are on the spectrum or aren't neurotypical.

I think if you are someone with power--regardless if its in the industry or not--while I don't advocate for policing one's language, personality, etc. there should be a mindfulness approach when it comes to fans. It's good to go into the mindset that you will meet people who are different. While you don't have to like everyone (cause that's not realistic), you should try to "leave your camp better than how you found it." when it comes to interaction. Again, like I've stated in my last post, no one is perfect but this should be something to strive for.

Regarding Troy, that was something I noticed he was good at navigating (neurodivergent and neurotypical fans) in a group setting, but come being one-on-one, the energy, tones, compassion, would considerably shift. This was something a few others pointed out too. There were many circumstances where it almost felt as if he was putting on an act around us.

For me at times it felt like I was speaking to two different people and these two people had contradictive takes and seemed at odds with one another. I don't want to label it as Jekyll and Hyde, but that's honoring my feelings based on the negative experiences I had.

I want to reiterate what I said before, I know people still hold a torch for him, and he means a lot to others, and I'd rather let his own actions speak for himself, but I would encourage folks to er on the side of caution. Know your space, limitations, and boundaries. That goes for anyone celebrity or not.

Take the information as it resonates and I encourage you to draw your own conclusions. This is surface level stuff found via google.

Reddit: "Tell me one thing David did wrong." // "Joel and David are mirror images of each other."

YouTube: Smudboy's take on it

Resetera: "Troy Baker Walked Away From His 2017 Crowdfunding Campagin"

Reddit: "Troy Baker has been scamming his fans for years"

TheGamer: Troy Baker Allegedly Abandoned Music Crowdfunding Project

[mooncaps]

Trying to trust myself. Trying to trust that I have the right to define my own life. Trying to trust that my heart knows what's good for me.

These concepts don't really seem to mesh with my formative learning experiences. My worth is in productivity. My value is in what I can do for others. My body is my abuser's. My life is my God's. Wanting things for myself is frivolous at best and sinful or dangerous at worst.

If selfless sacrifice is the ultimate good, then isn't self-actualization the ultimate evil? Is caring about myself just the intersection of arrogant envy and selfish vanity? What right do I have to choose my own life when God has a plan for me? And what am I to make of the contradictions in that plan where the first commandment ever given was destined to be broken so that plan could proceed, where we're placed into a world of near-infinite choices with the gift of free will that we're supposed to use to choose one straight and narrow path, where we're given these bodies with desires that we're not supposed to act on, where God created billions upon billions of unique spirits because He wanted them all to learn to be like Him?

Trying to assert autonomy will get me punished; my body remembers those lessons, even though my mind has repressed the memories of learning them. My body is not mine to control. Prioritizing my own sanity is selfish because I'm hurting my abuser's feelings by avoiding him. Even the smaller assertions of autonomy were met with pushback. Liking certain things made family members concerned, sometimes alarmed. Expressing interests sometimes got me picked on by peers. Wanting to choose my own meals was met with people literally trying to force unwanted foods down my throat. (And given my history, I really didn't want anyone trying to force anything down my throat.)

That being said, I'm trying to see past all that, to figure out who I genuinely am, to reconnect with who I was behind what I felt like I was supposed to be, and to navigate all the versions of me I could be tomorrow.

It's hard to trust myself. It's hard to feel like I have the right to define my own life. It's hard to believe that my fallible heart really knows what's good for me.

[minjungfmd]

vogue magazine cover interview

1. you’re styled by dior today — so, in your own words, what is dior to you?

maria grazia chiuri has been nothing short of amazing during my partnership with dior. to me, dior is essence. not defined by a classy timeless touch, but something of essence whether it’s playing with new trends or bringing back the old iterations of past designs. they mix it up to create their own color and scent — they’re undefined by limitations. i think that’s what draws me to the brand in the first place. 

2. a longstanding fashion icon with your various partnerships over the years being a global ambassador for dior, and releasing successful solo albums — what can you say now about taking over netflix with your new drama, our beloved summer?

i never expected myself to ever act — sometimes, i feel like i’m acting in my day to day life. maybe it’s because i resonate a lot with kook yeon soo, or i’m just in a stage at my life where reading off a script doesn’t feel like second nature anymore, but this drama has meant a lot. i can only be grateful that it’s been accepted by the public in such a way. i don’t know if i’ll take over any more series, but i can assure you this one remains close to my heart.

3. the piece is titled ‘we don’t know minjung yet’, why do you think the piece is surrounded around the mystery of you?

if i knew, would there be a piece in the first place? i don’t know why people believe there’s a mystery about who i am — i let myself show in pieces. it’s like a puzzle game for the public to put together to decipher who i am. if you’re good at mind riddles and word tricks, maybe you do know me. if not, then you don’t. i don’t want to define who i am with my own words.

4. but if you had to, how would you describe seo minjung?

someone who feels like pastels on mondays, then monochrome on thursdays. someone who spends the weekends painting memories in watercolors, only to forget the rest of the canvas on a tuesday. i’m a contradiction, but isn’t everyone?

5. being a veteran in this industry, what can you say you took away from your career?

you say it like my career’s over — it’s not over, at least i don’t think so. i’ve met lots of people, and i learn each day how to navigate different intrapersonal relationships while managing interpersonal ones. something they like to call ballance.

6. after a long day, how do you like to relax?

when i tell people, they think it’s sad. but i like to sit down after a long day, on the sofa with my dog, and then open up a bottle of chamisul soju. i drink from a soju glass and pretend like i’m having a conversation with someone who knows every facet of me — who else knows me better than myself?

7. you’ve had lots of memorable moments in your career, what do you think fans remember you most as?

the rainbow dress from peekaboo — i feel like that’s when people knew my name. to know someone’s name is intimate, don’t you think? maybe not a fashion trend, but at least it stuck in people’s minds.

8. lastly, what is the best advice someone has given you?

one time a fan told me that it’s okay to cry. it’s okay to be honest. it’s okay to do what makes you happy — in the moment, people don’t let words comfort them because it doesn’t apply when you feel your heart crack. but in hindsight, you look back and realize the only way it was possible to get through those difficult times was because you allowed yourself to cry, feel emotions, and be honest with yourself.

[liminalwings]

Working With Dragons: The UPG Dilemma

One of the most useful pieces of advice in any part of the Witchcraft community is "do your research, especially through non-witchy sources." Why is this? Because mundane history is trackable, peer-reviewed, verified fact. For the most part. Pagan publishers, on the other hand, don't exactly have a track record of editing for historical accuracy, and such claims as "Wicca comes from an unbroken chain of ancient witch cults/is itself an old religion" tend to get perpetuated for a few decades.

Where does this fit into dragon magic? Fact is, there is very little to no historic precedent for this path. The closest is perhaps Eastern veneration of dragons as natural forces and deities (if there's ancient Eastern dragon magic practices, I'm not privy to them), but the Western idea of dragons as "allies/co-magicians" is a much more modern invention. The oldest book I know of is Ian Corrigan's "The Book of the Dragon: A New Grimoire" from 1983, which highly influenced the more commonly-known and widely available "Dancing With Dragons" by D.J. Conway (1994), which has seemingly informed most material on dragon magic since.

This is important because it illustrates the point that, unless you're working with archetypal dragons drawn from known mythology, you're going to be relying almost 100% on someone's Unverified Personal Gnosis, be it your own or someone who put forth the effort to build a magical system and put it out into the world. There are things a few authors have openly stated only came about as a result of channeling dragons. This in itself isn't much of an issue.

Where the trouble comes from is when this UPG starts being treated as infallible and absolute truth; one of the biggest examples of this is the topic of dragon types and colors. It is extremely common to see newcomers asking around for help identifying a dragon they came into contact with to learn more about it, and having several people jump in with Conway's books or something they learned through their own UPG and never consider that what is true for them may not be true for the person they're trying to help. Afterwards, said fresh inquirer may learn something different from their dragon and then run into the cognitive dissonance of "this contradicts what I was told, am I wrong?" leading to self-doubt. You shouldn't feel like you have to discard the things you learn through your experience because it doesn't fit into the popular established system. There is technically no 'correct' or 'incorrect' for something that does not have objective fact supporting it. And no, even saying something came to you directly from the dragons does not make it *universally* true.

This is all why, while I may heavily disagree with certain written materials, I would only rarely say to not read the books available at all; those rare cases are largely when those books are plagiarized, not because I feel the author is pulling random things from their ass. This is also why I love occasionally perusing the socials and seeing what other draconic practitioners have to say about their own path and their relationship with dragons, because that information can tell you a whole lot about how the magician themself approaches dragon magic. And I love seeing how different it can be from what has become commonly parroted.

Does this widening dearth of UPG make the subject of dragon magic a little muddy and harder to navigate? Maybe, but witchcraft in general isn't for those looking for fast, easy answers, now is it?

[im-ovulating]

Hello! I saw that you're doing matchups for a follower event and congratulations btw 🥳 I was wondering if I could have a quirk matchup for MHA please?

- I am 19.

- My favorite character is Hitoshi Shinso.

- My zodiac sign is Virgo.

- My Myers Briggs personally is ISFP-T (the Adventurer) and the summary given is, "Flexible and charming artists, always ready to explore and experience something new."

- I find it hard to describe my personality as sometimes I can contradict myself. I like to think of myself as a kind person, but I have a short fuse sometimes or can be very irritable by little things. I tend to keep myself, but I wouldn't say I'm introverted. I can have a conversation with a stranger and can easily make friends, I just like keep my social circle small. I struggle with being spontaneous and like to have a plan for everything before leaving the house which annoys my friends slightly, but I'm always prepared with extra snacks and a map and such. I'm very much the mom in the group, but I do have my moments of hyperactivity. I'm a pretty open-minded person and I love learning. I have a bad sense of curiosity and sometimes I'll hyperfixate on a certain subject until I know all about it. I'm a huge nerd as well and I'm pretty much tired all the time.

- I live by Harry Potter house, Hufflepuff.

- I am currently studying Criminal Justice for my bachelor's and I hope to get a job in forensics one day. The dream would be to get a job as a bloodstain pattern analyst or in DNA analysis.

- During my free time I play an unhealthy amount of video games, especially Overwatch. I recently took up cosplay though and I do like sketching or coloring in one of those "adult coloring books." I use to do a lot of writing, but I haven't had much inspiration for it as of late. I like reading on an occasion and I've recently started to workout more regularly.

- And yeah! That's pretty much it about me.

- I don't really know about what specific type of power I'd want. Realistically speaking, mental or telekinetic would work better for as I'm more of a brains than a brawn type of person.

Thank you, and congratulations again on 700!

Hope you enjoy~

Navigation

700 Followers Event

Quirk Match:

True Sight: user can see things as they truly are

This power is very useful for investigating or interrogation

You can also see the cause of damage

If someone destroyed something, you can see exactly how they did it

If a person you were interrogating has been brain washed or conditioned to actually believe their lie, you won't be able to see past it

Same thing if someone was brainwashed to use their quirk on an object

.

You and Hitoshi were the top underground investigative heros. Working as a team you were able to fight, subdue, and get answers out of dangerous villains.

You guys had just finished a mission that dealt with a new group of villains who had been hitting up small family owned businesses all throughout Tokyo and were out celebrating.

"To yet another victory!" You cheer, holding you glass up for Hitoshi to tap his against.

He begrudgingly did with an amused half smirk gracing his features before downing the rest of his drink, you following his lead.

"To another victory.." he echoes.

He didn't quite match you energy, but when did he ever? You knew, either way, he was just as pumped about your successful mission as you were.

[edelegs]

so I have a very specific interpretation of the Edelgard/Hubert dynamic that I don’t think is particularly common, but I feel is worth sharing. This is largely because some people end up diminishing the importance of this relationship when pairing each of them with other people. It’s disappointing because I personally prefer these external ships (namely Edeleth and Ferdibert, for reasons I will make clear) but often see either Edelgard or Hubert reduced to some jealous, cuckoled cockblock in them. Honestly, that’s just . . . boring. 

(Long post under the cut)

TLDR: Edelbert is fascinating because it can be argued that Hubert’s feelings are born from guilt and shame rather than romantic love. This dynamic is unhealthy but deeply interesting, and it deserves to not be diminished in fan interpretations of these characters. 

Something that makes Edelgard so compelling is the fact that she’s full of contradictions. She can’t stand people/creatures with more power than humanly possible, yet she must use her own superhuman power and cooperate with what she despises to achieve her end goal. More specific to Edelbert, this end goal is equality, yet Edelgard is not allowed to be equal to anyone. She is a detached, untouchable princess who needs to learn how to meet her friends where they stand. It is through her connection to Byleth and to the other Black Eagles where she learns how to adapt her ideals to work in reality - and to be human. 

Unintentionally, Hubert does the opposite of this. His devotion to Edelgard began as an inherited role and evolved into something he does out of personal conviction. Either way, he is putting her on a pedestal and addressing her as a vassal rather than as a friend. Many of his supports with others involve him comparing them to Edelgard and telling them they’ll never reach her level. He takes it as his personal mission to protect her from those “unworthy” of talking to her. I don’t think this is intended to be selfish or malicious. I think that because of his role as her vassal and his failure to protect her from the Hresvelg experiments, he takes on this absolute devotion and prescribes it upon everyone else. 

Their relationship is unbalanced as a result. Edelgard makes constant reference to “fighting alone” and being prepared to end up isolated and maligned. The line “the solitary reign of Edelgard has come to an end” in her S-support is particularly telling. While she clearly views Hubert as someone important to her, she does not seem to view him as someone she can be fully open with. Hubert’s constant addressing of her as “Lady Edelgard” implies that he would not take the opportunity to call her “El” if it was presented to him. Edelgard and Hubert are both so caught up in the weight and scope of their revolution that they begin to enable each other’s bad tendencies. Hubert doesn’t dare challenge her, because he thinks of her as untouchable, and this devotion allows Edelgard to take him for granted. It is not a healthy relationship. I don’t think this is a particularly hot take. Their external supports are crucial for shifting these patterns of thought and allowing these characters to grow. 

What I think may be unpopular is this: I don’t think Hubert’s feelings for Edelgard are actually romantic. 

(For context, I am aro and just really hate m/f friends getting shoved together romantically. It may be easy to dismiss my thoughts as just me being bitter that we can’t have a m/f friend pair without one of them catching feelings but allow me to argue my point.) 

Hubert was assigned to Edelgard at a young age and told it was his house’s sacred duty to serve the Hresvelg family. He loathes his father for his involvement in the Insurrection of the Seven, which happened when he was ten. It goes without saying that this largely shapes his devotion to Edelgard. I would even say these events traumatized him to some degree. He mentions this in their A support, where he declares that his loyalty has been to her alone since she returned from the Kingdom. The path that these two share is informed and shaped by trauma - what Edelgard went through and Hubert’s powerlessness to stop it. More critically, these events radicalized them both and created the “shared vision” mentioned in his B support with Dorothea. 

That particular support jumps out to me. When I first played the game, I felt unbelievably validated by it. Hubert denies accusations of unrequited love in an edgily self-aware way (the line ”do I really look like the kind of drooling simpleton to have that kind of motivation?” made me literally cheer) and goes on to describe their relationship as walking the same path. He then highlights the qualities he feels towards Edelgard (gratitude, respect, awe, empathy, trust, and hope). None of these require romantic attraction. Dorothea then goes on to say that “loving another is really about wanting to be loved . . . I’m pretty sure that’s different from how things are with you and Edie”. This scene spoke a lot to my own experiences - my feelings for my best friend largely echo Hubert’s (though way less dramatic, of course) and I found the form of deep platonic love I feel for her reflected in that conversation. The acknowledgement on Dorothea’s part that it was different from romantic love (whether or not she truly believes it) is what blew me away. This is honestly one of the few times where a piece of media made me feel seen which makes me forever mad about the Edelbert A support.Though it could be argued that he’s just closed-off and could easily pull off lying about it, I know those feelings well. Others might see this as definitive proof of Hubert’s unrequited love for Edelgard, but I just can’t and I wanted to articulate this perspective because it means so much to me. Close, all-consuming, and important relationships can be platonic. 

I know better than to claim that the confession scene never happened. It is interesting to evaluate because it shows Edelgard finally calling attention to Hubert’s unknowing perpetuation of the gap between them. When Hubert states his feelings plainly, he is as composed as ever. Edelgard blushes and states that “you never cease to surprise me”. Hubert laughs this off, and that’s the end of that. It clearly is supposed to be a genuine love confession, but I think it’s more interesting to consider a man with only one real close friend misinterpreting his blind devotion towards her as love because he doesn’t really know what it is. I think it adds to the kind of fucked-up nature of their relationship (is it love or obsession? How is he supposed to know if a connection borne from trauma stems from love or guilt?). It also speaks to how difficult it is to identify romantic feelings when you’ve never truly felt them. 

That being said, I actually do ship Hubert with other people. I love Ferdibert because their personality clashes create a sense of mutual growth that helps Hubert learn to openly challenge Edelgard rather than subvert orders he disagrees with and it’s honestly just really funny. I also love Hubernie because the idea of a terrifying man and a girl who’s scared of everything learning to meet each other halfway shows similar character growth. I just think that for many years, Hubert’s devotion to Edelgard gave him a really fucked up understanding of human relationships, both romantic and platonic. There’s a tendency to erase the weight and importance of the Edelbert dynamic when both are shipped with other people as well as a great opportunity to show that strong platonic relationships can and should be perceived as equal to romantic ones. I have read so many Ferdibert things that suggest that their love is all-encompassing and Makes Them Whole. Wouldn’t it be more in-character to explore how they navigate the web of relationships in their lives? I love the Black Eagles’ interpersonal relationships so much and each one shapes the characters more and more. I’d love to see that reflected in ways that center platonic relationships! 

[sagemoderocklee]

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about [insert fic]? Answer it now!

So, the asker for this question wanted me to go ahead and pick a fic, so I'm picking The Art of Love because I've always wanted people to ask more about the Shadow Kami introduced in the last chapter I posted.

My wheelhouse with writing is very much worldbuilding, and I think Naruto in particular is a series that has some great building blocks but some egregious holes as well in the worldbuilding. Inconsistencies, contradictions, and just a general lack of consideration for any other part of the shinobi world that wasn't Konoha. And even then there are still holes, and I always have a lot of fun filling them in.

However, the Nara clan's jutsu is not one of those big glaring plot holes. I straight up just thought, 'what if some of the ninjutsu used in the world is actually rooted in ancient magical practices?'

The idea that the Nara clan's Shadow Technique is more than just ninjutsu kind of struck me out of nowhere. I wasn't necessarily intending to do it, but once I had the idea, it really just took root. I figured, if anything could be given a different and more enigmatic origin, it would be the Shadow Technique from the Nara Clan.

I still have a lot of work to do with it, but I am excited with what's begun.

In TAoL I really needed something that would help Shikamaru, Team Eight, and Sai while they searched for clues as to what was happening in the world, and I wanted to really push the stakes up. Shikamaru is already poised to lose the woman he loves, but what if he's so willing to do anything to save her that his humanity is also on the line? The power he has from the Shadow Kami isn't limitless but it's certainly great. Yet there are still consequences--but again, those are consequences he'll gladly face in order to save Temari and her brothers.

The Shadow Kami are dangerous, though. They aren't animals you can tame, it's not a 'technique' you can master. The Shadow Kami are gods--or one god. the shadow kami are one and millions, always branching off and coming back together, and it's an overwhelming thing to touch let alone give over your body to.

There's one particular aspect (or form) to the Shadow Kami--the aspect that the Nara made their pact with in the first place--that acts as both guardian of the clan, a source of contact with the shadow Kami, and also someone to watch that the clan never falters from their initial pact. The clan hasn't actively acknowledged the pact or practiced the worship of Shadow Kami that they once did, but the pact still holds and hasn't been broken, and Shikamaru knows about it because he was obviously poised to take his father's place as the leader of his clan. he had to know.

there are prophecies in ancient scrolls and all sorts of powers Shikamaru could tap into. but he didn't have time to prepare or study, so he just kind of goes all in and is like 'yeah here my body is yours to use in exchange for your power'.

if he can learn to work with and live with the shadows, he'll be neigh unstoppable, but they'll never leave him. he'll never look how he used to or navigate the world how he did, and because of this--assuming he survives--any children he has would also be touched by the shadow kami... less so, but still. he's altered the course of his family's future entirely with this. so depending on what happens in the end, this will.

as with all my worldbuilding, the shadow kami holds across multiple fics even if it never comes up or is irrelevant to the plot. for instance, in Absolution, when a member of the Nara clan interrupts the final day of the Festival of Rain, it's because something has happened with the shadow kami that Shikamaru must tend to. what happened and why isn't necessary to Absolution, but it was necessary that Shikamaru leave Suna for a while and it works well because the reason Shadow Kami have made themselves known is because of Ruri's birth. again, all things that have no relevance to the actual plot of Absolution, which is why I can share that.

anyways, thank you for asking me a question that allowed me to babble inanely about something i came up with lol

23. What's a trope, AU, or concept you've never written but would like to?

So I already answered this on Twitter, but I'll just reiterate here: I have in m WIP ideas document a coffee shop AU that I would love to write someday. i've spent nearly a decade being a barista, and there's something about romanticizing it that just gets me.

[katsukikitten]

My declaration of love to you

If that's what you wanna fucking call it.

I know I'm not the best at words and you probably don't think you deserve this.

And maybe you don't. In the scheme of things your imperfections seem to get in the way, at least that's how you see it.

What I see, what the world sees, is entirely different.

I see the way you look at things. How you speak.

How your eyes light up with sparkling wonder in when you talk about you interests or see something you like but more importantly when you're listening to people. Watching them. Cataloging every little thing about your friends or strangers as you daydream in deep sonder. Realizing what I never could or always choose to ignore, that all of these extras have a life of their own, they are their own heroes, their own villains.

It is a weight I'm not sure I'm strong enough to hold but there you are. Carrying it on your shoulders with ease delighting in the comfort of the crushing weight as you gaze into people's lives. Seeing them for a fraction of a second, reading an excerpt of their lives.

I see the way people look at you, how they respond to your touch. You comfort them in times that you need comfort yourself. Holding onto grace and dignity as best you can for them, allowing them a safe place to fall. To crumble into your arms as you collect their pieces, encouraging them that they are still whole, just a bit scattered.

Something you had done for me time and time again and yet you never breathed a word of it. Of frustration, anguish as I learned to navigate the world with a little less anger and a little more kindness.

I learned it from watching you. And in the time of watching you light up people's lives I can see just how one way the world is to you. Taking everything you have to give and you give it all.

How I can be to you, please know I am trying my best.

I'm trying to convey through touch how you make me feel when your fingers go through my ash blonde hair. Trying to show you through my more than rough kisses. Through the soft ones on the crown of your head hoping it will do the talking for me. And that it will tell you even just a fucking fraction of how you make me feel. How you being near makes me feel a warmth I struggle to explain, how it seeps from my chest and travels all the way to my fingers, my toes. How it can settle in my stomach in contradicting nervousness and comfort. An abundance of it so great I want to share the feeling with you, maybe spread it out into the world.

How those fingers lull me to sleep, how they bring me to life, pull me from my haunting past and into the present.

To what I'm doing now as I watch you try to hide away your tears as you push, push

PUSH

Maybe you are too stubborn, you'll break if you push to hard. You'll have to have someone hold all the pieces of you, while you fall and break apart. You'll have to have someone remind you, encourage you that you are still whole, just a bit scattered.

I just hope you let that person be me.

This was a love letter from Bakugou Katsuki to you, his starlight.

[michaels-blackhat]

thoughts on evil Forrest 😈

We are going to start out by apologizing. This is very very late. I’m sure when you sent this ask, you meant it to be in the same joking tone that I approach all of my other propaganda posts. Sadly, this is actually going to be a deep dive into a few Evil Forrest related things, including the moment I feel they changed directions, the perfect wasted build-up, and the implications of the change/how it then negatively impacted the story. As I’m sure you already know, by being on my blog at all, I don’t think the story was good to begin with, so we are going to focus on the weird hoops they made themselves jump through to make that story still work. Additionally, I am only going to mention once, right now, how much of a waste it was to not have Forrest ‘fall for his mark’ and complete one of my absolute favorite tropes. Honestly, I think “because I want it” is a completely valid reason to like Evil Forrest. But, the question was “Thoughts on Evil Forrest” and these thoughts have been developing for over a year and a half. So, I apologize in advance.

The majority of this is under a cut, with highlights in the abstract. If no one wants to read this, I understand completely. Go ahead, skip it.

Note: it pains me greatly to not actually have full sources for this essay. Just know that in my heart I am using proper APA citations, I just absolutely do not feel like digging through tweets to find sources to properly cite.

Abstract:

Previous research indicates that Roswell New Mexico has a history of repeating excuses to explain mid-season changes to plots. This essay explores how those excuses are not only loads of crap, but how they hinder the show’s ability to tell a coherent story, misuse the multiple-plot structure to enhance the themes being explored, and lead to decisions that mean the show continuously goes over budget. This also means that characters are not used to their full potential and has led to what some fans consider to be “out of character” behaviors. While these behaviors are not universally agreed on, evidence can be shown that these behaviors directly contradict emotionally important character arc/plot points in the show.

The author of this paper acknowledges that the show took some strides to mend this problem. However, once again no consensus could be found on whether Forrest was a low-level member of Deep Sky and thus just allowed to fuck off on a bus, or his job was recruitment because he did a piss poor job of making Alex not join.

The concept of Evil Forrest has been with the fandom as early as New York Comic Con (NYCC) in 2019, when it was revealed that Alex had a new “blue-haired love interest”. Speculation abounded within the fandom, with some people, including the author, going “yeah, he’s evil” while others rejoiced in the concept of Alex having a loving partner. Speculation increased as fans discussed Tyler Blackburn’s seeming disinterest in his new love interest, prompting some once again to scream “EVIL” at the top of their lungs to anyone who would listen. Very little was revealed, beyond the fact that the new character would show up somewhere around episode 3 of the second season.

Episode 2.04 aired with some commenting on how he barely interacted with Alex- prompting more evil speculation- and others excited to see the characters interact more. The character appears again in 2.06, where he invites Alex to dubious spoken word poetry (which Alex attends); 2.08, where they have a paintball date and go to The Wild Pony; 2.10, where the two are seen writing together briefly at the beginning of the episode; and 2.13, where Alex performs his song at open mic night, tells Forrest his relationship with the person in the song was long over, and they kiss. Forrest was not revealed to be evil during season 2.

Amidst the season airing, Word of God via Twitter post announced that yes, Forrest had originally been planned as a villain, though not the main villain, but it was changed as filming progressed.

The Word of God Twitter post revealed that Forrest had originally been planned as a villain, but they decided that they could not make their “blue-haired gay man” a villain. This mirrors a similar situation and excuse used the previous season, where the character of Jenna Cameron was originally planned to work with Jesse Manes against the aliens, before it was changed because they just “loved Riley [the actress] too much”. Both of these examples occurred while already filming and reflect on a larger problem with the show. Though not the topic of this essay, it is important to note that both characters are white, both in the show and by virtue of being played by white actors. The fact that they couldn’t be villains for one reason or another is not a courtesy extended to the male villains who are all the most visibly brown, and thus ‘other’, members of the cast.

This also highlights the fact that, via Twitter, it has been revealed two other times that occurrences that were reported in season 1 also occurred in season 2. During the airing of episode 1.02, it was revealed that the single best build-up of tension in the show- when Alex walks to the Airstream not saying a word to Michael after a dramatic declaration- happened because one actor was sick at the time and they had to go back and film the kisses later. At the point of airing for episode 2.08, it was revealed that one of the actors were sick and unable to film a kissing scene. Allegedly, this caused the writers to retool the entire scene and deviate from the plan to make that subplot about Coming Out. The execution of this subplot will be explored later in this essay.

The last occurrence revealed via Twitter also revealed larger issues within the show: lack of planning and poor budgeting. During the airing of season 1, Tyler Blackburn was needed for an extra episode beyond his contracted 10. A full explanation was never given, but speculation about poor planning and to fill in because Heather Hemmens had to miss one of her 10 episodes due to scheduling conflicts for another project. During the airing of season 2, yet another tweet came out saying they made a mistake and Tyler would once again be in an additional episode. No explanations beyond “a mistake” were given, though once again speculation occurred. It is the opinion of the author that this was due to changing plot points over halfway through writing, while episodes were already in production. It has been speculated by some that these changes occurred during the writing of 2.08, which was being finished/pre-production was occurring roughly around the time of NYCC 2019.

Previous Literature:

A brief look at different theories of plots and subplots

Many people have written on the subject of plotting, for novels and screen alike. The author is more familiar with film writing than tv, but a lot of the concepts carry over. Largely, the B- and C- (and D- and E-… etc) plots should reinforce the theme of the A-plot. This can be through the use of a negative example, where the antithesis of the theme is explored to reinforce the theme presented by the A plot, or through other examples of the theme, generally on a small scale.

A movie example of this would be Hidden Figures (2016), where the A-plot explores how race and gender impact the main character (Katherine Johnson) in her new job. The B-plots explore the other characters navigating the same concepts in different settings and ways- learning a new skill as to not become obsolete and breaking boundaries there (Dorothy Vaugn) and being the first black woman to complete a specific degree program and the fight it took to get there (Mary Jackson). A TV example that utilizes this concept of plot and theme is the 911 shows. Each of the rescues in a given episode will directly relate to the overall theme of the episode and the overall plot for the focus character. This example is extremely blunt. It does not use any tools to hide the connection, to the point you can often guess the outcome for that A-plot fairly quickly.

This is not the only way to explore themes within visual media. Moonlight (2016) looks at three timestamps in the life of Chiron. Each timestamp has a plot even if they feel more like individual scenes or moments rather than plots as some are more used to in films. Each time stamp deals with rejection, isolation, connection, and acceptance in different ways. So while there is no clear A-, B-, or C-Plot, each time stamp works as their own A-Plot to explore the themes in a variety of ways, particularly by starting out in a place of rejection and moving to acceptance or a place of connection to isolation.

Please note that there are many ways to write multiple plots, there are just two examples.

While there are flaws within season 1 of RNM, overall the themes stayed consistent throughout the season, mainly the theme of alienation. The theme threads through the Alien’s isolation/alienation from humanity which is particularly seen through Michael’s unwillingness to participate and Isobel’s over participation. There is Rosa’s isolation from others, how her friendship with “Isobel” ended up compounding her existing alienation from her support system due to her mental illness and coping mechanisms. We see how Max and Liz couldn’t make connections. This theme presented itself over and over in season 1. While this essay is not an exploration of the breakdown of themes in season 2, it should be noted that there were some threads that followed throughout the season. The theme of mothers/motherhood was woven throughout season 2, with some elements more effective than others. Please contact the author for additional thoughts on Helena Ortecho and revenge plots.

One of the largest problems within season 2 was the sheer number of plots jammed into the season. These plot threads often ended up hindering the effectiveness of the themes and made the coherence of the season suffer. Additionally, a lot of them were convoluted and difficult to follow.

Thesis:

Essentially, season 2 was a mess. To look at it holistically is almost an exercise in futility. Either you grow angry about the dropped plots and premises, you hand wave them off, or you fill them in for yourself. Instead, this essay proposes to look at individual elements to explain why Forrest should have stayed evil.

We first meet Forrest in 2.04 when he is introduced on the Long Family Farm, which we later learn was the location where our past alien protagonists had their final standoff. He’s introduced. He’s largely just there. The audience learns he has more of a history with Michael. In 2.06, we meet him again with his dog Buffy (note: poor Buffy has not been seen again and we miss a chunky queen). There’s mild flirting, Alex is invited to an open mic night, which he attends. For the purpose of this essay, the author’s thoughts on the poetry will not be expressed. Readers can take a guess.

It is after this point that the author speculates the Decision was made. This choice to make Forrest not evil- paired with the aforementioned ‘can’t kiss, someone’s sick’- impacted the plot. We have Alex have a scene with his father- which the author believes could have been pushed to a different episode- and then have Alex go on a date and then not kiss Forrest at the end of the night. Here, the audience sees Forrest hit Alex in the leg, allegedly not knowing he had lost his leg despite ‘looking him up’, which parallels the shot to the leg that happens to Charlie. Besides wasting this ABSOLUTELY TEXTBOOK SET UP WTF, it also takes Alex away from the main plot and then forces a new plot for him. Up to this point, Alex’s plot was discovering more about the crash and his family’s involvement. Turning Alex’s date from a setup for evil Forrest to a Coming Out story adds yet another plot thread to a packed season. It is also the author’s thought that this is where the convoluted kidnapping plot comes in. With Forrest already in 2.10 for a moment, a plot where Alex is evil has Forrest attack him for Deep Sky rather than Jesse abduct him for a piece of alien glass Alex was going to give him anyway and then for Flint to abduct Alex from Jesse. It’s messy. In a bad way. Evil Forrest would have been a cleaner set up: no taking back a piece of alien glass Alex gave to Michael in a touching moment. No double abduction. Instead, there is only Forrest, who Alex trusts, breaking that trust to take him as leverage over Michael.

Implications:

Now, Alex has two plots (Tripp & Coming Out). The Coming Out plot is largely ineffective, as they are only relevant to scenes with Forrest and have the undercurrent of there only being a certain acceptable way to be out. This could have been used for Alex to discover his comfort levels, mirroring Isobel’s self discovery, but there was not enough screen time for that. Additionally, Isobel’s coming out story was about her allowing herself the freedom to explore. Alex’s story was about the freedom to… act like this dude wanted him to. Alex’s internalized homophobia played out often in the series but it was also informed by the violence he experienced at Jesse’s hands and the literal hate crime he and his high school boyfriend experienced. With that in mind, the “kissing to piss off bigots” line comes off poorly. This is a character who experienced what a pissed off bigot could do- reluctance to kiss in public is not the same as not being out. There is more to be said on this topic, but as it is not actually the focus of the essay, it will be put on hold. To surmise: Alex’s coming out is attempted to be framed as being himself, but it is actually the conformity to someone else’s ideals. It does not work as an antithetical to Isobel’s story, as the framing indicates that the conformity/right was to be out contradicts Isobel’s theme.

Further Research:

MAKE FORREST EVIL YOU COWARDS

Author Acknowledgements:

The author of this paper acknowledges that the show took some strides to mend this problem. However, once again no consensus could be found on whether Forrest was a low-level member of Deep Sky and thus just allowed to fuck off on a bus, or his job was recruitement because he did a piss poor job of making Alex not join.

[septiembrre]

Regarding your Rio stereotype answer (& why I think swagger as a descriptor for him triggers me) apart from his brief dip into pills most of his crime is financially-driven, fraud based - embezzlement, money laundering, forgery etc. His operation isn’t driven by violence but he leverages it when necessary, he has a legitimate business (the bar) and washes funds through other legitimate businesses (spa’s, the carwash, the store).

(continued ask 2 of 2): Like he is the DEFINITION of a white-collar criminal but the writing continues to stereotype his criminality as gangbanger/gang leader (what gang?) with no canon or historical narrative to support any of it other than MAYBE his ‘I flip my game’ speech which doesn’t even count. Every single time the girl say GANG FRIEND I dry heave.

***

Yes!!! The white-collar crime reveal in 1x03 is absolutely the most fundamental moment that subverts Rio as the stock Latinx criminal stereotype. Thank you @querenaxx​ for bringing it up. I was having half-thoughts about it earlier when I wrote my post and then my brain kind of puttered out when it got to my comment about on-screen subversion of the trope. 

In Season 1, Rio handled so much of his enterprise — overseeing the manufacturing of the counterfeit, supervising Beth washing her cut of the counterfeit money, presumably still washing cuts of the money on his own, navigating the waters between other criminal operations in the city and feds, bankrolling his business(es?) and more(?). God, remember Rio all young, sleeves rolled up, bossing people around, in the thick of things?

Now that we’re post-Season 2, post-shooting, Rio has taken off the kid gloves. He’s exposing Beth to the more violent parts of their shared work, and still keeping her in the dark about a lot (and that makes sense -- their trust is broken). But, it’s hard to watch Rio simultaneously get depicted more violently (and further in line with existing stereotypes of Latinx folks on tv), while also getting less narrative focus? 

To speak for myself, I personally was okay with most of this shift throughout Season 3 (some scenes landing for me more or less), but now that it’s continued into Season 4 -- I am less into it. I’m thinking of 4x02, with Rio lit to look like a skull in that scene in the interrogation room (I loved this scene but it did play on stereotypical calaveras makeup/Latinx criminal imagery) and it made me pause... 

One of my questions in Season 3-4 is what is Rio doing now? How is he occupying his time as a crime boss? Lol, though I would be totally happy to see more of the recreational pursuits like the omakase, the country club, the occupational therapy, OR THE SPRAY TANNING on-screen. I know Marcus is off-limits right now because Beth and Rio are emotionally distant currently. But, what does it mean that he took out all those “rival gangs” through Turner in 3x01? What did it really mean for him to be out of work for… a month? Technically, we’re still not even sure what his name is -- and the show is self-aware about this (they’ve been ribbing at us with those Mr. Kowalski and Manolo mentions). 

We glean hints through Beth’s further exposure to him (like the line about Rio having debts) and we learn more about the machinations of how he executes the more grisly parts of crime (Lucy and the reveal of the graveyard). Through, Fitzpatrick we learn an absurd amount of details that kind of bob at the surface-level of the show and we as fans can parse through. But, there’s Rio, Mick, and… presumably all those other tatted guys he sent to Paper Porcupine. How do all of these people stay occupied throughout the week? Like you mentioned, how is Rio a white-collar criminal connected to all these dudes who are coded as street-level guys? 

Again, I see why they haven’t explored these moments because our view of Rio is shaped by Beth’s knowledge of him and there’s so much she doesn’t know about him! But, if it was not the plan for him to be in the love interest role in Season 3, I do wish we at least get more scenes/interactions with Rio and Ruby and Annie (AND MICK!), or even a moment where Rio and Mick talk about the women leads alone so that he’s less tethered to Beth’s gaze of him (and subvert the Latin Lover trope, give him more agency outside of that role). 

Okay, now I’m rambling about ~all the things I’d like to see/missed opportunities~. I know it’s hard to balance all the arcs, but this part of the storyline has been running on fumes for so long, contradicted itself -- it’s messy. But, I’m still excited for what we might see this season. I’m cautiously optimistic. 

[letterboxd]

A Cinematic Outcoming.

From Istanbul to Chicago, and C.R.A.Z.Y. to Spirited Away, Letterboxd member, writer and film programmer Emre Eminoğlu explores the films that drove his gay awakening.

“I see it as my duty to never shut up about how representation matters.” —Emre Eminoğlu

I was one of the luckiest ones, yet I had no idea how lucky I was. Growing up in Istanbul, Turkey, a predominantly patriarchal, conservative and homophobic society, my luck was being born into an open-minded, secular and loving family.

In this bubble, I was isolated from the struggles of the majority of my people. I was not bullied at school by my peers, I was not forced into being someone else by my family. Yet I still had that voice in my head. As soon as I realized something could be different with me, I became my own bully and forcefully adopted a fictional persona: ‘exceptionally normal’.

Coming out was hard, but coming out to myself was harder. Although I was perfectly aware of my sexual identity, I could not come to terms with the possibility of being ‘abnormal’. Cue cinema. Watching films was a way of escape for high-school Emre—it still is—and it was inevitable that I would come across some LGBTQ+ films. I was not consciously in search of a ‘truth’ about myself but I started seeing my reflection in them, as they slowly disarmed the bully I involuntarily created.

Twenty years later, now, as a 34-year-old gay man professionally writing on cinema and television, I see it as my duty to never shut up about how representation matters. Streaming LGBTQ+ shows on various platforms, seeing widely released, mainstream LGBTQ+ films, listening to the music of openly LGBTQ+ stars, and hearing words of wisdom like “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”, I am confident that the personal, inner bully that I created twenty years ago would not survive a week in today’s world.

‘C.R.A.Z.Y.’ (2005)

Jean-Marc Vallée’s C.R.A.Z.Y. (2005) was definitely not the first LGBTQ+ film I ever watched, but it was an invaluable juncture in my life. It was a hot summer in Istanbul, freshman year of college was over. One of my best friends, who had been accompanying me through most of my cinematic discoveries, told me about a French-Canadian film with this guy on the film poster with David Bowie makeup on his face. We headed to an independent theater in Kadıköy to see it.

Zachary Beaulieu was different. As the lone gay son in a family of five boys, he too was forcefully adopting a fictional persona, and his way of escape was music. He was constantly worried about how to be worthy of his parents’ love, how to realize their ideals of him, and how his difference and truth contradicted all of that. Zac’s 1960s basically mirrored my story in the 2000s. I perfectly muted the life-changing enlightenment I was going through and did not vocalize my inner screams.

In two hours, C.R.A.Z.Y. helped me realize my true self and admit my sexual identity after all those years. It was a personal threshold I had been longing to cross… but there was still a lot to go through.

‘Les Amours Imaginaires’ (Heartbeats, 2010)

Liking someone, falling for someone, being loved, dating someone, sex, refusals, misinterpretations, heartbreaks, break-ups, bad sex. On the other side of the closet, I was being introduced to new, sometimes euphoric, sometimes gut-wrenching experiences. But coming out to my friends was still a challenge. I was feeling so lonely keeping all these wonderful and horrible experiences in my chest.

But I was not alone: LGBTQ+ films were my life’s understudy. The same heartbreaks, worries, and disappointments I was going through were right there on the silver screen. I took note as two best friends, Francis and Marie, fall for the same guy and navigate their friendship in Xavier Dolan’s Les Amours Imaginaires (Heartbeats, 2010). I studied how a popular student, Jarle, falls for the new guy in school, but cannot risk his reputation to be with him in Stian Kristiansen’s Mannen som Elsket Yngve (The Man Who Loved Yngve, 2008) and I watched as close friends Tobi and Achim become lovers, until one’s need to keep everything secret threatens to destroy the relationship in Marco Kreuzpaintner’s Sommersturm (Summer Storm, 2004).

Things were not always accessible via online platforms and the internet, so film festivals were often the only chance to see the latest independent and queer films. Two of the biggest film festivals in Istanbul, thankfully, had LGBTQ+-focused sections; !f’s Gökkuşağı (Rainbow) and Istanbul Film Festival’s Nerdesin aşkım? (Where are you, my love?) felt like home.

‘Tomboy’ (2011)

Being the lone avid cinephile among my friends, I was used to seeing half of my festival picks alone. Even before coming out to myself, my hopes for a romantic relationship included, among other things, having a festival partner. When I, fortunately, found the one, I was delighted to have also found the perfect festival partner. Shortly after our first month together, the first film we saw at a film festival was Céline Sciamma’s Tomboy (2011).

Although I was a 24 year old cis man, I was more than able to empathize with the title character, a ten-year-old trans boy. With his family unaware of his true identity, Mickaël experiences the liberation of a fresh start when ‘mistaken’ for a boy after they move to a new neighborhood—finally able to introduce himself as Mickaël, not Laure.

Changing my career path, a new job in the creative industry, and a stable relationship had similar effects on me. I was still not completely out to my parents, or some of my friends, schoolmates, and acquaintances from my past, but I was freed of the obligation to explain anything to my new friends or colleagues. I would proudly introduce them to my boyfriend, or simply correct people by saying I was attracted to men during a conversation. The perfect festival partner turned out to be a perfect partner as well—over the past ten years, he has helped me grow and be proud of myself.

‘Weekend’ (2011)

We moved in together in the fifth year of our relationship. Right above our bed hangs a poster of Andrew Haigh’s Weekend (2011). At the time we saw it, it was just another film that we watched together and liked—no significance, no symbolism. It is the story of two young men, Russell and Glen, who are fascinated by the connection they find between each other, and are surprised how their one-night-stand evolved into the perfect weekend. When Glen reveals that he will be leaving for another country the very next day, it only makes their connection stronger, and their time together more precious. Being a timid and socially anxious person, none of my romantic relationships or my friendships had formed this organically. Even my first date with my partner was a disaster. We built what we have now over time, slowly and patiently. I did not believe in ‘weekends’.

And yet, one summer night, we met a guy on Grindr, as we occasionally did. What we thought was just another one night stand was in fact a transformative experience for us both. Intense conversation, a triple connection, the drinks we enjoyed instead of hurrying to bed, and the passionate sex turned that casual one-night-stand into a magical reality for us. We realized that we still had feelings and instincts to discover in ourselves and in each other. Over a week-long, unexpected, unpredictable polyamorous fling, we learned to act as one instead of two—only to find out that he was leaving for another country the very next week. This was our ‘weekend’.

‘Hamam’ (Steam: The Turkish Bath, 1997)

Thinking how LGBTQ+ films of other cultures and languages had played a significant role in some precious, threshold-crossing moments of my life, it was alienating not being able to feel embraced and represented openly in Turkish cinema. There were certainly multiple Turkish LGBTQ+ films or characters, but they were in films addressing more urgent issues—right to live, violence against LGBTQ+ individuals, honor murders, trans murders—rather than the nuanced experience of queer love.

Although I discovered it years after it was released, Italian-Turkish director Ferzan Özpetek’s Hamam (Steam: The Turkish Bath, 1997) was a mind-blowing experience for me. The relationship, and the sexual tension, between Francesco, the Italian heir to a building with a Turkish bath in it, and Mehmet, the young son of the family managing the compound, felt much closer to my story and my cultural, familial identity.

Aşk, Büyü vs. (Love, Spells and All That, 2019)

Today, I am glad to see more and more filmmakers finding the courage to maintain the LGBTQ+ narrative in Turkish cinema, despite the oppressive, intolerant and exclusionary policies. Some are telling the youthful, urban stories I was longing for at the time: In Leyla Yılmaz’s Bilmemek (Not Knowing, 2019), Umut, a high-school athlete from a middle-class family in Istanbul, is bullied by his so-called modern and open-minded teammates after not replying to a query about whether he is gay or not. In Ümit Ünal’s Aşk, Büyü vs. (Love, Spells and All That, 2019), Eren and Reyhan, two adult women reunite in the magical atmosphere of The Princes’ Islands on the Istanbul coast, decades after they were forcefully separated by their parents.

The story of me coming out to myself all started with an urge to escape reality through cinema, and on the way, I found films that gave meaning to my muddled existence. When I saw Levan Akin’s And Then We Danced (2019), I smiled as I noticed the Spirited Away poster in Merab’s room; this minor detail another reminder that I was not alone. Merab, a gay dancer who is part of a very traditional and conservative Georgian dance company, was dealing with similar challenges in his life. He was trying to discover his true identity in a society that does not celebrate being different. He was too, finding an escape in cinema.

Coming out was hard. It still is. A recent Instagram post by the 27-year-old actor Connor Jessup, who came out as gay two years ago, reminded me coming out is not a single moment, but a never-ending process, a ‘becoming’. He writes, “When I first came out, a friend wrote to me and said, ‘Now you can really start coming out.’ Start? I thought. I just did it. But he was right. […] I’m going to keep trying. I’m going to keep looking.”

I keep trying, and looking. Learning about myself, my identity, my relationship. And LGBTQ+ films keep helping and inspiring me, just as they did in my journey to accept myself and become the person I am today. This is the power of cinema; unconsciously, you see your past, actuality and possibilities through the stories filmmakers tell. And I am so grateful to these filmmakers.

Related content

The Ten Greatest Turkish Films of All Time, according to the Turkish Film Critics’ Association

Emre’s Favorite LGBTQ+ Films: a personal top 50

Queer Films in Turkish Cinema—a list by Atakan

The Top 100 Turkish Movies of the 21st Century: Emre’s personal favorites

[cybertronian-cupid]

ur doin primus's work tysm. would u mind writing some dumb mutual pining between reader and tfa blurr? reader cant believe anybody would ever be drawn to them and blurrs too anxious, but literally everyone else can see it

Mutual pinning eh? *sits down with a bowl of popcorn, grinning* This is so duuuuuuumbbbb JUST KISS ALREADY!

It was great fun writing though, Blurr is such a sweetie ~Gregoria🏩

This was absolutely adorable. Love me some good mutual pining uwu~Mila💟

....................... ................................. ......................

His gorgeous blue paint is spotless and he is clearly giving a detailed report to a very confused and overwhelmed Optimus. They sigh for what feels like a millionth time, their fondness only growing as they watch the not-so-secret secret agent pacing and gesturing.

He is so cute.

“So, you and Zippy huh?”

Bee waggles his brows at the human, who’s been staring at the blue speedster ever since he returned from the scouting mission. They throw him a side-eyed glare.

“His name is not Zippy, Bee. Stop calling him that.”

The yellow bot raises his hands in mock surrender: “Fine, fine, I just thought you’d give the bot a nickname by now.”

They squint at him, not sure if this is supposed to be a prank by him and Sari, or if they really are missing something.

“Why would I do that?”

Unexpectedly, Ratchet pipes up from the couch “Kid, you’ve been making goo goo eyes at him all day. Even before that, in fact!"

They sputter "Have not!"

The old medic continues, "And! You nearly asked him on a date that one time,” he grumbles half under his breath, "and he won't shut up about you during his check-ups."

"Why don't you just go to him now?" Bulkhead offers as they shuffle their feet.

"He's… Busy."

Ratchet feels like his age has doubled just from listening to this same excuse time and time again.

"Kid."

"Very busy! His antenna is twitching in that pattern again, see! Which means he's clearly talking about something important! And-" they falter for a moment, sneaking a glance at him and looking away the moment they realize he's looking in their direction too.

"And, well, he's miles out of my league anyway! He's got all this work to do and he'd be better off with someone… Someone… " they don't want to voice their doubts, since the others always laugh and tease them about it.

Don't want to think about what lucky bot will catch the Agents optics and make him smile. What kind of someone he will actually notice.

"Someone who isn't a chicken?" Prowl states, materializing on the scene in that incredible Prowl-way of his.

Ratchet barks out a laugh, while Bulkhead and Bee both let out a half hushed OOOOOOOO.

"What did you just call me?"

Prowl gets close in their face and repeats matter-of-factly,

"A chicken. A domesticated fowl, that you humans associate with cowardice. Does that ring a bell?"

They glare at him, their reflection in his visor only cementing their decision.

"I'll show you chicken," they grumble and start walking towards the other side of the hangar. They are going to get there! And they'll ask Blurr on a date, and NOTHING will stop them.

…..

"Blurr, I think any type of flowers will be fine-"

"But what if they don't like flowers at all but bouquets are the usual way humans court each other, I have, however, also observed they trade each other sweets that can sometimes contain flowers however certain types of these are or should be poisonous to them and yet they still consume them and are fine while the others can seriously injure them so what if they think I am not being sincere and what if they get offended or if the flowers I pick hold the wrong meaning or are a wrong color or whatiftheyareallergicandtheyhaveareactionand-"

"Blurr they aren't allergic, Sari made them a flower crown last week. You can ask her and the professor about what is and isn't harmful to organics."

The race car stops in his tracks, his optics refocusing on the Primes face.

"Oh," he clears his voice box, his movements stilling and his back straightening.

"Well then, thank you for clarifying Optimus Prime, it seems my concerns were unnecessary."

Optimus breathes a sigh, hoping, praying to the Allspark even, that this is going to be it for today. Blurr has been coming to him for advice on how to approach their friend under the guise of submitting reports on Decepticon sightings. At the rate of the information and misinformation both the human media and many contradicting sources provided, the agent managed to work himself up into such a frenzy, Optimus would rather be fighting Decepticons at this rate.

Instead, he has resigned to trying to help the Secret Agent navigate the confusing rituals of Earthling courtship… despite the fact he himself has only learned what he knows from Sari and her own somewhat limited knowledge.

"Why don't you just go and ask them?"

"Pardon?"

"I mean no disrespect, Sir, but unless you go and ask them on 'a date', you won't be able to learn what they like. It will just be guessing."

"I am well aware of that Optimus but I cannot simply walk up to them and go-"

"Hi, umm, Blurr right?"

The Agents head turns in the direction of the voice speaking, and spots the human in question standing a safe distance from Prime and himself. They look so- They are so-

Optimus places a hand on the Agents shoulder plate and squeezes once "I think you can take it from here Agent,"

And just like that, he walks to the other side of the hangar, where the rest of his team is holding their breath, pretending like they aren't paying any attention to the two lovestruck disasters.

With Blurr, staring at them, like a giant blue deer caught in the headlights.

"Hi," shoots past his vocalizer so fast it's barely a word.

"I, well you see I was wondering if," and the human keeps averting their gaze and fidgeting in place, they look adorable, stunning, breathtaking, showstopping, how can an organic make him feel like he's in a high speed chase, like he's soaring through the sky, light on his pedes, head in the clouds. He forgets his left from his right and they make him want to spin and spin and spin in circles with them in his seat so he can hear them laugh when he races and wins for them and they look at him with those precious twinkle in their eyes-

"So, ummm, you've been awfully quiet there… Agent? What, what do you say?"

Scrap, he zoned out again.

His vocalizer clicks on and off as he tries to form a reply, his optics darting anywhere but the human before him.

"Well, you see, I, well I cannot recall what you've told me because your eyes are incredibly distracting and I mean this in the best of ways, they are very pretty, the way the light reflects in them when you stand in the sunlight makes my joints want to buckle from how lovely and handsome and cute and adorable and gorgeous and and and, and you are making my processor spin with the many associations it connects with you, so I may not recall what you've said, but I would very much like to ask you out on a date so. Will you go out on a date with me? "

Blurr wanted to convey all this in a way they would be able to understand him, while he somewhat calms his own nerves.

Instead, what made it past his vocalizer was a very fast, pitched up ringing. He slapped a servo over his mouth, energon rushing to his cheeks. They make him act like a foolish cadet!

“Is that, er, yes?”