#I am just a little upset
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I really love getting spammed with the same inbox message about someone asking me for money and help! That surely makes me feel better about myself and everything going on around me. I should get more of those often!
adjusts the microphone I'm holding and clears my throat
(TW: Mention of the war and thus injuries and death, also includes my massive rant so if you do not want to read it, here's the warning. Also, lots of swearing)
STOP FILLING MY INBOX WITH CRIES FOR HELP. I KNOW YOU ARE BOTS; YOU SPAMMED ME 4 DIFFERENT TIMES TODAY BECAUSE OF MY POSTS. I WILL REPORT YOU IF IT KEEPS HAPPENING, AND I DO NOT LIKE DOING THAT.
YOU ALL KEEP SPAMMING ME WITH "HELP!!" AND PICTURES OF CHILDREN WHO LITERALLY LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DYING. I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO BUT BLOCK YOU THE SECOND YOU APPEAR IN MY INBOX. YOU FUCKERS LITERALLY SENT ME A PICTURE OF SOMEONE WHO HAD AN OPEN WOUND.
I get asking for help, I get pleading for someone, ANYONE to save you, but spamming my Inbox with the most horrendous shit is NOT going to get you help. All it does is get you blocked and turned away instantly by me. I have stated TWICE. TWICE now that I will not be talking about this, but I guess you people just won't get it straight.
I will not be supporting any of you, not because I do not have the money, but because your pleas have gone so far as to show a child BLEEDING FROM A WOUND, to try and tug at heart strings. Oh, and it worked to! Just that it only tugged on my last bit of patience.
I get that so many of you are bots and people fishing for money, and to that I purely say to go to hell and rot. To be taking people's real-life horrors and taking it to post and get money from it? That's pathetic.
Rant over, I am not happy with how many times I have seen blood and gore. I love blood and gore art, but these people sending me photos of wounds have made me lose my stomach over it.
"Why are you talking about this then? Just delete the messages and move on"
I have. Ever since I first ranted about this, I have. I have been deleting one after the other after the other after the OTHER. Even when I block some of them, they come back on ANOTHER ACCOUNT. I wish I was making this up. I am fully convinced these are all bots now, and that is just so, SO upsetting to me. All of this is so upsetting. I asked not to be given these asks, I have asked not to talk about it, but alas the bots just keep rolling it in. Block after block the same message gets repeated.
I just wish this shit would stop. I just wish I didn't have to be bombarded with these people begging for help I cannot give.
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there are a lot of posts out there that are positive and healthy coping mechanisms for handling the holidays. this is not one of them :)
i think there's like. going to be times in your life you will be stuck in a social situation that you cannot escape from gracefully. i do not know why the internet doesn't believe these times exist. it's not always just that your physical safety is at risk - sometimes it's legit like "i just don't currently have the energy or time to put in the effort of responding to this." sometimes it's a coworker you hate so much. sometimes it's just like, fine, you know? like you know you can handle your aunt when she's cheerily horrible, but if you actually set a boundary around her, it's going to be weeks of fallout with your father.
i don't know why people think the answer is always just "cut them out!" or "don't let them get away with that!" because ... the real world is tricky and complicated. i think kind of a lot of us have an internal "radiation poisoning" meter for certain people. like - i'm talking about the ones who are absolutely giving you gradual ick damage. like, you can handle them, but you'll be exhausted.
and yes. you absolutely should listen to your therapist and the good posts about handling others and set good boundaries and take care of yourself. prioritize peace.
HOWEVER :) ...... since im often in a situation with a Gradual Sense of Ick person i cannot just "cut out" of my life (without losing someone else precious to me) - i have sort of developed the most. maladaptive form of mischief possible. because like, if i'm going to have to listen to this shit again, i like to have a little bit of private fun with it.
now! again, i am physically safe, just mentally drained by this man. you should only do this with people you are not in danger with. which leads me to my suggestions for when your Unfortunate Acquaintance shows up and says oh everyone pay attention to me.
my favorite word is "maybe!" said as brightly and happily as possible. whenever the Horrible Person starts in on a topic you do not want to go further with, particularly if they make a claim that you know to be inaccurate, do not respond to it. you and i have both tried to actually argue with this person, and it hasn't gone well, because this person just wants the drama of an argument. however, "maybe!" gives them literally nothing to go on. it is incredibly disarming. they are used to people having some response. they know they can't prove what they're saying, and maybe! treats them like the child they are. it dismisses them in the politest way possible.
i like to say maybe! and then, in their stunned silence, immediately change the subject. this is because i have adhd and i will have something unrelated to talk about, but if you can't think of topics fast enough, i recommend just pointing to something and saying, "isn't that lovely?" because fuck you let's bring in some positivity.
by the way. that second trick - of pointing to something and stating an opinion about it? - that just works on its own, like, 70% of the time. i picked it up from teaching preschoolers. it's an intentional "redirect". it stops children crying and it also stops grown adults from finishing their explanation on why women belong in kitchens. dual wielding!
keep it silly for yourself. i absolutely do not care if people think i'm fucking stupid (it's more fun if they do) and as a result i will purposefully misunderstand things just to see how long it takes them to realize i've completely removed them from the subject at hand. when they say "women aren't funny" i get to be like. "which women." "all women." "all women in america?" "no in the world." "like the mole people? the people in the world?" "what? no. like, alive." "oh are we not counting the mole people?" "what the fuck are you talking about." "you don't believe in the mole people?"
similarly, i play a personal game called "one up me." my Evil Acquaintance literally knows this game exists (my family & friends caught onto it and now also play it) and it always fucking gets him. i don't know why. you have to be willing to be a little free-spirited on this one, though. the trick is that when they make one of those horrible little bigoted or annoying comments they are always making, you need to go one unit weirder. not more intense, mind you - just more weird. "you don't look good in that dress." "yeah, actually, my other dress was covered in squid ink due to a mishap at the soup store." "you shouldn't wear such revealing clothes." "wait, what? oh shit. sorry, your son tears off strips when no one is looking and eats them. i swear it was longer before we left the building."
the point of "one up me" is to completely upend this person's narrative. we both know this person likes setting up situations where you cannot "win" and then they really like telling other people how badly you handled it. in a usual situation, if you respond "please don't say something that rude", you're a bitch. but if you let it happen, you're letting yourself be debased. they are not usually expecting door number three: unflappably odd. because what are they going to say when they're telling everyone how badly you behaved? "she said my son eats her dresses" ".... okay?"
if you can, form an allyship with someone whomst you can tagteam with. where they can pick up on your weird "soup store" story and run with it.
the following phrase is amazing and can be deployed for any situation: "oh, be nice :) it's the holidays!" i do not know why this works as often as it does. i'll say it for the most random shit. i think this is bc most of the time these people know they're being impolite, they just like to fight.
godbless. when in doubt, remember that you could always start stealing their pens.
the whole point of this is - if you can't escape. maybe see how long you can just be. like. a horrible little menace.
#this is objectively bad advice#don't listen to it protect yourself and do real work on yourself find one of the good posts i've made about this#but also. u know. if u want to have fun while u do the work of setting boundaries#.... it IS fun#i will say that my fear of him went SO down after i just started. fucking with him.#bc i used to get SO fucking upset#i'd spend WEEKS arguing with him. tearing my hair out. sick with anxiety and dread and anger about all of it#and now i just LITERALLY do not engage#instead i'm like '' haha :) mole people" and get the HELL out of any tense conversation#i kind of think some of these people are literally addicted to drama as a form of connection#they like the rush they get from arguing#but those arguments are incredibly damaging for me#so like..... i am in the process of literally rehabilitating this person to figure out how to find connection thru#NORMAL CONVERSATION#he doesn't get it yet#i also do talk to them like they're preschool kids lmafo . ''are you using a safe and kind voice right now?''#'' do you need a snackie? you sound a little upset. let's have some hummus and come back to playtime when we feel ready''
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Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will
#svsss#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#the fact that people think scum villain#-a series that examines and criticizes common tropes in fiction-#is somehow against criticism or being a little hater is wild to me#especially since shen qingqiu never gets punished for being a hater#heck- he's still a little hater by the end of the series#he mostly gets punished for treating life like a play and like he and the people around him are characters#(or in other words- he suffers for denying his own wants and emotions and his own sense of empathy)#I think some of y'all underestimate how much writing/art is inspired by creaters being little haters#like example off the top of my head-#the author of Iron Widow has been pretty vocal about the book being inspired by their hatred of Darling in the Franxx#I think my interpretation of Shen Yuan's transmigration is also supported by the fact that this series is an examines writing processes#side note- though i understand why people say Shen Yuan is lazy and think its a valid take it still doesnt sit right with me#i am probably biased because my own experiences with chronic pain and depression and isolation#but ya- i dont think Shen Yuan is lazy so much as he is deeply lonely and feels purposeless after denying parts of himself for 20ish years#like yall remember the online fandom boom from covid right?#being stuck completely alone in bed while feeling like shit for 20 days straight does shit to your brain#the fact that no one came to check on him + he wasn't exactly upset about leaving anyone behind supports the isolation interpretation too#+in the skinner demon arc he describes his life of being a faker/inability to stop being a faker now that he's Shen Qingqiu#as “so bland he's tempted to throw salt on himself” and “all he could do is lay around and wait for death” (<-paraphrasing)#bro wants to be doing stuff but is stuck in paralysis from repeatedly following scrips made by other people#another point on “Shen Yuan isn’t lazy” is just the sheer amount of studying that man does#also he did graduate college- how lazy can he really be#he doesnt know what hes doing but he at least tries to actively train his students#and he actually works on improving his own cultivation + spends quite a bit of time preping the mushroom body thing#+he's experiencing bouts of debilitating chronic pain throughout all this#but ya tldr: Shen Yuan's transmigration is an encouragement to write and not a punishment and also i dont think its fair to call him lazy
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i think we need to understand the gravity of how quickly Percy blames himself and his disabilities for the way his world is. how he's been made to believe over years and years that he's weird, that there's something wrong with him. Percy saying he should've been paying attention. Percy saying there's something wrong with his brain. Percy calling himself broken.. he's just a kid man
#this is so unbelievably important#goes to show how the treatment of disabled kids can harm their self esteem so much#he's literally twelve??#this kid has been told his entire life that there's something wrong with him#and he believes it#you can see how upset Sally is that he thinks that#like that's her little boy#i would riot so badly if my child ever had any reason to say that about themselves#also brunner calling him “special” earlier in the episode probably aggravated his reaction to getting the same statement from sally#god he's just a baby#he doesn't deserve this#this show is going to jumpstart such important conversations about a wide variety of things and I am so here for it#renew it already#percy jackson#sally jackson#walker scobell#virginia kull#percy jackon and the olympians#pjo tv show#pjo tv spoilers#isoceratops
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The Fall of the House of Usher | Miniseries (2023), Mike Flanagan
#the fall of the house of usher#tfothou#tfothouedit#tw flashing#i am very sad and a little upset because#some mike flanagan shows have an atmosphere and a tone and a general vibe that i find very compelling#that makes for an intense and pleasurable viewing experience even when the story or the pacing are uneven#and ep2 felt so much like that and i was so in - but then it wasn't there anymore and i kept waiting for it to come back#the cast was great and the cinematography mostly on point but... overall very meh#tv shows i watched in 2023#i made this#i just want a tag for the things i personally put out into the world
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I'm so mad that post was misinformation because there is actually an EXTREMELY important conversation to have about the production schedules artists are forced into. There's no need for exaggeration, the conditions are bad.
I work for webtoon. My publication schedule is weekly. While publishing I'm required 10-15 pages a week. Fully colored.
This means I'm finishing a 150 page fully colored graphic novel every 10-15 weeks.
When my comic is not updating, I am not getting paid. Any time writing, editing, or off is out of my own pocket. I don't get healthcare. They do not provide any assistants. They expect me to promote myself; they chose to deprioritize me before I even launched and gave me an end date half a year in. I never had a chance.
And this is the industry standard! Every company has artists forced into crunch hours, overtime, and burnout. Artists are literally dying early due to it. So many of my friends can't afford to go to the doctor.
It's unsustainable and untenable, and it's also the expectation our audiences have.
If we want to have this conversation, there's plenty of conversation to be had with the realities of the situation. It's bad as is.
#and people get mad at us about 'short updates' lmfao#the companies are absolutely abusing our passion and our desperate situations#but readers genuinely offer little to no grace#if I am going to be able to leave#then the conditions for me to be able to leave need to exist#and they just Dont right now#I'm not making nearly enough to pay my bills without webtoon#I NEED the job#I dont have a car#I cant fucking afford one#I can't drive anyway#I NEED TO WORK#THIS IS MY JOB#I want to leave I'm being mistreated but I CANT!!!#anyways. whatever#I'm so fucking upset that someone just idk spread misinformation#and now the conversation is about like nooo she was under the same shit conditions as everyone else#she's just a really good writer#like okay that's awesome and I'm really glad#but WOULDNT IT BE NICE IF SHE WASNT ALSO OVERWORKED?#AND ALSO IF GOOD WRITERS WERE ABLE TO WRITE WELL WITHOUT HAVING TO BE OUTLIERS???#god it makes me so so so mad!!!!#fucking ruining a really important conversation to have!!!#we're mistreated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we just are!!!!!!!!!!1#I'm not paid enough to build the savings to take risks!#this 6 month break was EVERYTHING#I NEED to start working to pay my bills now#like it's over I ran out of time#its heartbreaking#I hate it here
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“Regulus would be proud of us,” James whispered quietly to no one in particular, still gripping onto the painting like a life raft.
— Tender Curiosities, Baby! @otrtbs
#tender curiosities baby#art heist baby#james potter fanart#james potter#jegulus#rosekiller#rosekiller fanart#marauders#marauders fanart#evan rosier#barty crouch jr#jegulus fanart#jegulus fanfiction#fic: ahb#art heist baby!#mine#my art#hp#ahb#ive thought about this scene for so long it just took me forever to draw cause once again the anatomy of cars is the bane of my existence#like originally i wanted evan and barty holding hands to be visible to have the contrast of sad lonely james and sad not lonely rosekiller#but alas cars wont allow it#ahb just still has my entire heart you dont get it#i have a none blurry rosekiller and a just james in front of blue with stars version of this but i think ill only put them on insta...#(sneaky end notes: i do have to admit i am not too pleased with evan and barty but this was my first time drawing them)#(so i couldnt figure it out quite yet hency why they look a little. less efforty...)#(also the snake ring is the same design that i drew for chapter 34 of ahb in my little chapter illustrations for my typeset)#((nvm i just checked back and i am fully lying here i used a different one for my typeset and now im vaguely upset oops)#(i shouldnt make decisions only half awake im going to think about this for too long now i am sad))#((like suddenly i was like. hold up. i had a different design there didnt i... it was an open ring goddamnit))
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hey btw Wymack recruiting people no one else bothers to look at also means recruiting the two incredibly good players who are considered "too short".
fyi.
YOU CAN ONLY PUT 30 TAGS???
#yk not to be that bitch#but after being told my whole life that i was “too small” in literally every context#being bullied#being threatened with insane amounts of violence#just cuz they could#and finally finding a story where the craziest most badass character#who behaved like i do#and speaks like i do and loves like i do#and is my height#was life changing#got me through all four years of high school like if Andrew wouldn't take this shit then neither should i#and then seeing a running gag in the fandom where people refuse to acknowledge the twins' height#because it's “unrealistic”?#1st of all it's not#there have been many little athletes who were very good#also reasoning in the post#2nd it's fictional it's not real#it doesn't have to be accurate#but yes i understand it's just a funny haha running gag#and I'm being way too sensitive about it#but i am ranting anyway because it does upset me#and if i want to complain on my own damn blog then i fucking will#aftg#all for the game#andrew minyard#the foxhole court#aaron minyard#twinyards#nora sakavic#the sunshine court
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mouse honrada x ash romero || season 2
#plledit#mouse x ash#prettylittleliarsedit#pll#pretty little liars#pll summer school#pretty little liars summer school#mouse honrada#ash romero#pll spoilers#pretty little liars spoilers#pll summer school spoilers#pretty little liars summer school spoilers#mine#my edit#they're just really sweet and istg if pll takes away the only canon ship i am emotionally invested in...#well actually i'd probably still watch a season 3 anyway i'd just be upset about it#everybody else is fine i'm just not that attached to any other canon ships (yet)#long post
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lucanis truly has a near terminal case of burned out golden child syndrome. caterina fucked both of these kids over so incredibly bad with the dynamic she enforced there, with illario being labled the perpetual fuckup kid where lucanis 'could do no (would never be allowed to do) wrong'. the way he admits in the first coffee date scene that the only thing that happened when he showed he could carry the weight of expectation was that more weight was added makes me so sad. you can hear it in caterina's voice in his intro mission that she's incredibly proud of him, but this is clearly a leandra and hawke situation where that pride never translates into relief or resolution or unconditional warmth or understanding or anything that really helps.
#you messed up an excellent little autistic dude caterina look at him he has no personal life and his only friend is his scar-ass cousin!!#because that's what you told him he has to be and he believed you!!!#all that and you wouldn't even let him have a wyvern dagger just for fun and b/c it makes him SO happy? when i get you caterina dellamorte#I'm finding the crow family drama so compelling in this game I'm just hanging around treviso Observing haha#I wish they'd given illario a bit more nuance in this (as I feel he does have in the wigmaker job)#b/c with the sheer pantomime susness he's got going on they really don't want you to engage with him deeply haha#also teia mvp as always but I think that goes without saying (and happily all these lads around her seem to know it)#both lucanis and viago like 'thank you teia you're the best 🥺' and she's like 'yeah I know'#protective big sis of the remaining crow family haha. and she's got to be barely thirty years old at this point. I'm love her so much#'*annoyed voice* MAKER HELP US' she's saying what we're all thinking#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#I think my rook is having some uncomfortable moments of realizing some parallels here with their own relationship to the watchers haha#like 'buddy you're so much more than just a tool for your family to use. I however have a sacred duty I was banished from#the fulfilment of which determines my entire worth and that I am low-key mourning behind the levity b/c that's what I was made for. ...wait#I feel like rye was more the illario & lucanis combo only child tho. wants so much to be good but keeps getting into Shenanigans#chaotic underachiever with frankly upsetting potential when they actually get their act together and they WANT to so bad#but also. shenanigans keep happening. releasing blighted gods is only barely the wildest of them
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How am I supposed to act like I'm fine when Dorian "Orym's my moral compass" Storm got snapped at for speaking up and immediately shut down and checked out of the conversation
#critical role#critical role spoilers#dorian storm#orym of the air ashari#no i am not mad at orym for lashing out from his grief and frustration#no i am not upset at dorian for being wary of the gods#just please let this be the conversation that gets orym and dorian talking again#disagreeing on a topic doesn't mean your relationship is toxic#some people need to chill a little bit. you can be frustrated by character decisions but it doesn't mean they're horrible people jfc#dorym#is it thursday yet#ramblings
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One thing that's starting to really get to me with the James Somerton stuff is a real strong undercurrent of disdain toward his fans. And yeah, I was one of them. A good scam artist isn't as easy to spot as y'all seem to think. You forget that you have all the information right now. Two days ago most of you had never heard of him and it would have kept going. Anyone can fall for a scam, nobody is immune. I would love to have had whatever resources you guys think we all should magically know about so I could have kept my sad $5 a month I really needed but thought was going to something worthwhile. Some of us can only devote so much energy into things and when you have no idea whatsoever that something is amiss of course you're not going to go digging for sources, why would you when everything is fine as far as you know? I really wish I could have seen the dissenting opinions on him but for many, many reasons that aren't just that the dissenting voices weren't widely circulating at the time all I had was the thought every now and again that "huh that doesn't seem right" and then go on with my day. And I think that happened to a lot of us. So yeah. Say what you gotta say about Somerton, he has more than earned it with the damage he's caused, but maybe don't shit so hard on his former fans because that is going to be you someday with something, it happens to everyone sooner or later.
#james somerton#hbomberguy#todd in the shadows#I really am greatful for Harris and Todd's hard work in exposing all of this#and I am glad I get to see the real voices I did like that james was stealing#I'm just tired of all these people jumping on the drama train taking a dump on folks who are also victims of these crimes#razz rambles#this whole situation is upsetting me in the weirdest ways#I'm distraught but I'm not at the same time#and yet it's 6am and I can't stop reading through the tags and seeing the takes I missed#vaspider's essay and remarks from an AIDS pandemic survivor are especially good#I lived through that shit too but had no idea I was living through it#cuz that's what being blind and impoverished in rural community was like#queer wasn't even something I knew I could be until like 2010#so it's nice to see my own history#it's not just the young queers who have little to no knowledge of our history
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Taps cheek. Must confess I feel like some people haven't been approaching the fandom the way I have, and I am sorely realizing this now.
Y'all, the VAs here see you. If you are publically posting hate about a character–especially in the main tags or in their inbox–there is a very real chance that the person who plays that character will see you. They are not disconnected entities that hover above everything in their own fandom, they engage in it. They have strong feelings about their own characters too, they made them. And everyone being excessively foul about them and their character is not the kinda takeaway they wanna see!!
So. Perhaps. It would be more constructive for people to either learn to be nicer or to just shut up if I'm being quite honest.
#xero says things#i dont usually talk abt the meta happenings of the show but like#this is rooted in a topic i have a lot of feelings abt. which is how ppl treat artists and how ppl seem meaner than ever#i have always made an active effort whole posting abt these shows to not sound like i am hating on it#even before i know the VAs looked at the fandom!#just bc i figured if someone else saw me talking trash abt their faves it wouldn't ruin their day yk#and thinking about how someone literally went out of their way to send multiple paragraphs of hate directly into kat's inbox is.#more than a little upsetting#these are people. not content machines. just bc their company makes them do daily vids like they are doesn't mean you should roll with that#i feel for kat so much and i genuinely hope things get kinder and easier for her. i don't blame her for doing this at all#sun and moon show#lunar and earth show#tsams#tlaes
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dont mean this in any disrespectful way when you posted that i did go through your account and saw you had posted about gaza back in oct 13, i think in the current climate where so many zionist weaponize anti-semitism to silence people trying to stop the genocide i was also worried when you posted that and had seen no posts about palestine on your twt i did go down farther and saw that that was not the case and its just not easily apparent i do feel like you are aware of this though and it feels a little exploitative to post that knowing people would be sensitive to the language you used and your lack of public sentiment around palestine and unfollow you thinking you were a zionist i dont think your a zionist but your immediate outrage at people unfollowing you for that post is ignoring the context in which your posting in. please remember people are dying before our eyes everyday from people who use the language of anti-semitism to fuel that death i implore that you act with compassion towards people and not bad intentions
(for reference to others, this is about this post I then shared on my twitter as well.) Me commenting about people unfollowing me for sharing support for my community is not outrage, it's an observation on how I can't support fellow Jews without it being connected to Zionism. I said a very positive message to support others who have been dealing with things IN DIASPORA like I have and get messages like yours and this.
It is not exploitative for me to express love for MY COMMUNITY (NOT ISRAEL) after experiencing multiple actually antisemitic incidents IRL recently and saying the words I needed to hear for others. I need to hear that people care. My synagogue got bomb threats and I've been called a kike and harassed in real life multiple times. I didn't even post about most of the stuff I've dealt with to be sensitive to others and the online environment lately. Yet here I am being called exploitative and that I should be more sensitive to others for supporting my community. I have never once called anyone on here or anywhere else an antisemite or weaponized antisemitism so please don't project on me.
#hyde replied#:l#jumblr#anitsemitism#tw antisemitism#cw antisemitism#im tagging this because of my experiences i mentioned#k slur#long text#for reference anon I'm not upset with you. I'm just so tired of projection#and being villainized#and hatred. I should be able to support my community who's been dealing with a lot#without people assuming im a zionist and digging through my blog and harassing me#“it feels a little exploitative to post that knowing people would be sensitive to the language you used” when the words I used were#“Jewish friends I love you.”#“you deserve mutual respect and care”#Honestly makes me feel like I'm in another dimension where I said something horrifying and not those words ???#I even said I wasnt mad about losing followers.. I dont consider it a loss to lose people who project on me. but somehow I am outraged?
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girl help I started writing down oc thoughts and have started contemplating the logistics of how a city carved into the walls of a ravine would have access to fresh water
#rye.txt#MaVst#'you should do some worldbuilding' I said to myself#'it'll be easy' i said#'just write down the little thoughts you've had floating around'#I AM A FOOL#there are so many bullet points in this fuckign document#and they're all devoted to the minutiae of how the city I have in my mind would function#how the very terrain would influence the culture#couldn't just do a normal city on flat terrain noooo I had to include homes carved into rock#anyway im pretending im upset but this is so much fun#I loveee getting to think about how tiny details all affect each other and influence the greater whole#it's like problem solving but I get to make the solutions as fun and fantastical as I want#if my ocs are my silly little dolls to play pretend with#then the worldbuilding is like getting to build the doll house#which is just as fun imo#anyway im gonna give the capital city an abandoned under-city that's no longer habitable now that the original royal family is#no longer in power#it used to be lit with the light magic of the ruler that was amplified by the crown#but now it's almost impossible to navigate and so big that your torch is liable to burn out before you can explore much at all#and without a light source it's completely pitch black darkness#<- see stuff like this is so fun to think about and I can just slap it onto my world because it's cool
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#fucks me up that there are two whole new animals in the house that i barely know#who depend on me for everything#barely recognize me as a friend or helper#and are so incredibly incredibly fragile#i got worried for junie today because her spay incision had some swelling#and it's normal to have some and i have seen it before#but after what we just wemt through i got upset and rushed her to the vet#who said it was fine and thankfully we have free office visits#but i was so upset even though i knew it was probably normal#i look at them and i see adorable cuddly sweet TEMPORARY things and i feel like something inside me got broken somehow#and i was right all along that after it was all over i would come back but not quite as myself#i just hadn't fully understood the extent#we are keeping them and it sort of had to happen when it did but i think it was too early for me#they are so cute and when they do cuddle it's so sweet and obviously i would fight for them as hard as i would for Fancy#because that's just how the deal works and it isn't about you at all it's about how they each carry a little world inside them just as we d#and that deserves equal respect and care regardless of my personal affections#but i look at them and i see little creatures that don't belong here and are foreign in some fundamental way#and that they will be gone in just a little while and things will go back to how they were#which is impossible#we will settle in and i doubt anything i am feeling is abnormal but I'm really struggling and i feel so bad about that#i don't know#it's just a lot to deal with#and i feel very lonely and sad about it#and under it all the sick feeling of having JUST held all three lads as they passed and the VISCERAL reality of it#and knowing one day if everything goes just right i will be holding them too#dear god life is so fragile and every living thing is just as mortal as any other
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