#I am educated & financially independent with my own place

[cyberthot666]

so randomly met his dad last night. he’s ex military. we were hanging out and had to run back by his house to get his medicine & he lives with his parents and his dad came out and started talking to me. asked me where I’m from, how long I’ve lived here, what I do for a living. I didn’t feel nervous or awkward at all. he told me his dad was an asshole but he seemed very nice. and when we were done talking I went to shake HIS hand and then his mom was also there but I’ve already met her and haven’t really talked to her but she’s very nice. wasn’t planning on meeting this dude’s parents bc I’m not trying to be anything with him. we’re just hanging out til he leaves for air force which is what he says he’s doing. he’s only introduced me as a friend which is fine. well apparently off that one interaction his dad was like “she reminds me of your last ex” which he already told me all about. I have seen pictures of this girl. they dated for 3 years been broken up for over a year. and I’m sorry but like. you can’t compare me to her. first of all we look nothing alike. I’m actually pretty lmfao. and he told me how she acted & how she used him for money (and he’s such a simp he let her lmfao) and cheated on him and fucking stabbed herself when he tried to leave her. and just bc when his dad asked what I do for work I said I clean & I’m working on my art at the moment, he compared me to her bc apparently that’s what she used to do. but I guarantee her art didn’t look like mine 😂 she’s probably never even made a profit from her shit he told me she just used to do it for fun. boyyy I kinda wish I could see what it looked like 😂 & I am an independent cleaner which means I have long term clients & work for myself. I don’t work like say for some seedy hotel that overworks & underpays you. after that I was like okay your dad is an asshole bc wtf I was so polite & respectful & he’s gonna go make all those assumptions bout me off one BRIEF interaction 🙄 but also like, I ain’t got shit to prove. so okay 😂 and now he’s saying invite me to their family party later this month to get some food but I think really he just wants to sus me out which is fine bc now I’m up for the challenge 😂😂😂 I’ll show you why you can’t compare me to no random average bitch

[cr0ftisprocrastinating]

do you have any recommendations for someone that absolutely loves academia, would love to be going to school to finish a degree, yet can’t for financial and other reasons? Most free classes online center around math/stem/coding. And it doesn’t much feel like studying without a class, discussion, papers, etc! What’s a girl to do?

I love this question! And also, feel for you. I personally worked and saved for five/six years in order to afford my masters!

However, this is not always an option, in which case some other ideas might be:

(possible costs involved) Depending on where you are in the world, check whatever university is local to you to see if they do weekend/short courses. Oxford's Continuing Education department, for example, run weekend/week-long courses on all *kinds* of things, and local institutions might also offer similar things!

If you do a short course somewhere and make friends, you could then see if people are up for a semi-regular study 'group', which might also help fill the need for scholarly debate!

Do you have a local library? Check out their resources. Even if they don't have formal study groups/things, you could always assign yourself times of the day/week to go and do some independent study. Not great maybe for the sociable aspect of your q, but definitely could fit the vibes!

Similarly, do you have a local archive? If you are looking for historical stuff to do, then see if your local archive runs groups. Lots of people are interested in tracking their ancestry and undertaking local history projects - you could be one of them! Also, they might need volunteers. This could be boring if not the thing you're looking for, but it might appeal (I love to file, personally)

Set yourself a project. What do you want to know more about, and then what is an interesting way to approach this? Do not be constrained by discipline, because you are not constrained by institution. Make a zine about a little-known environmental policy. Write a fiction book set in a specific period and try to get it as accurate as possible. Contact a small, local museum and see if they want to exhibit your genius portraits of town dogs or something.

Volunteer at a local gallery/museum. This may not be great at first for the scholarly aspect of things, but it might put you in contact with other people who love learning and want to do more of it.

Pretend you are going to *teach* on the thing you are interested in. Put together a reading list and a list of essay questions. How would you structure the course? What form would the exam take? What would the mark scheme be?

Take yourself on a little field trip once a month/term/year/however often you want. Go somewhere you haven't been before, but with a specific focus in mind. Something like: 'I am going to try and find out as much as possible about this place's collection of Greco-Roman statues.' 'I am going to go to this gallery and draw all the things I see that are yellow.' 'I am going to see how many different kinds of daisy there are in these famous daisy gardens.'

Idk if any of these are actually useful or if they veer into the impractical but I hope you find something even vaguely inspiring! Also, I would recommend keeping a record of any outings or things you try. The process of recording the things you do to further your own interests would make a fascinating project in itself!

[aspiringwarriorlibrarian]

Hello,

Ive been following you for years and I love your blog. In all my years on this website I have never posted, sent an ask or a message, commented or interacted with anyone on this website in any way. However seeing your recent posts about Palestine made me feel like I had to say something.

Just because you support the “weaker” side, it doesn’t make you immune to lies and propaganda.

Please educate yourself before you spread misinformation and/or misleading info.

I am a citizen of Israel. This conflict started when Hamas brutally murdered hundreds of innocent civilians, including elderly and children. They kidnapped over a hundred more. They are known for being a terrorist organisation whose stated goal is to murder jews.

I am terrified. My people are forever scarred. I and everyone I know have lost loved ones in this war. And the fact that people like you in these terrible times choose to focus solely on the suffering of the Palestinians, ignoring and justifying our suffering, speaks volumes.

The bombings you speak of, are a retaliation for the slaughter of October 7th. Israel warns citizens in advance, in order to prevent as many casualties as possible. But we cant just ignore the murder, kidnapping, rape and harm to our people like you do. We have no choice but to defend ourselves.

We have no interest nor desire to commit genocide against the Palestinian people. If we did, we would have already done so. Instead we financially support Palestine, despite the fact they use this money not to better their lives, but to instead attack our civilians.

Beware of misinformation like the accusations against Israel for bombing the hospital in Gaza. That is a straight up lie that was proven false, and the Hamas spread it along with lies about how many people got hurt, in order to convince people like you that they are justified. And its working.

Before you accuse others, maybe check your own biases and think to yourself why a Palestinian life is worth something to you and an Israeli one isn’t.

Can you even imagine what it feels like to go online after such a tragedy for a little relief, only to see people like you calling for my death?

And yes, that is what you’re doing by supporting and encouraging the actions of Hamas. An organisation that cares more about killing innocent civilians like me than protecting its own people.

I hope that if you can’t take the time to properly understand this complicated situation, you will at least stop talking about something that you clearly don’t understand.

You know, I put all of this in a private post initially. I've been largely focused on spreading charity posts, actual concrete things that can be done to save the innocent people caught in the crossfire. But clearly, my message has been mixed, so I'll define it right here.

This is just something that seeps into my bones and I had to say it somewhere: the sheer refusal by both sides to admit what they're doing. Oh, we thought that music festival was soldiers....wait no we didn't, it was random Gazan civilians who did it instead, not us, hurt them instead. Oh we are going to wage all out war....no those innocent civilian casaulties weren't us, it was them! (No, the cause of the explosion has not been independently proven. It has, however, been proven that Israel shelled the place three days earlier as a "warning" then called ordering an evacuation shortly before.) Put down an evacuation order so short and so sudden the UN protests that civilians can't possibly get out in time, then bomb one of the convoys. Tell your countrymen the evacuation order was fake so you get more human shields. More rockets! More airstrikes! More "accidents" to the tune of hundreds of civilians dead, and you never have to carry the burden or the blame for any of it. Shoot from far enough away, target enough civilians, makes it easy, makes it fun. The glory of war with none of the guilt and none of the risk! Ain't that a wonderful thing. Ain't that a fucking joke.

I grieve for the innocent Israeli citizens slaughtered because Hamas cowards wanted to kill the defenseless. I grieve for the people in Gaza getting slaughtered because neither side cares if they live or die. The difference between the two is not that one life is worth more than the others. That is morally repugnant and fundamentally absurd. The difference is that Israel is getting aid from many nations, while other nations only give aid to Hamas, not the people of Gaza. They need humanitarian aid, they need someone to speak for them and beg for restraint, which is why I'm primarily reblogging posts that call for humanitarian aid to them and for a ceasefire so they can, at the very least, have the evacuation time they should have been allowed. It is not because their lives are worth more, but because to far too many, their lives are worth less.

I understand your pain and fear, and I am deeply sorry for your loss. I too find those rooting for Hamas or declaring that the victims deserved it for being settlers repugnant. But the people of Gaza did not do this, and if it's a choice between them living and Hamas dying, I will choose their lives every time. I will always choose life. And I refuse to apologize for that. Violence like this is a cycle, revenge and revenge and revenge again because you cannot kill an idea with bombs, only keep destroying until nothing is left to fight over. You cannot stop a cycle by continuing to spin.

[atonalginger]

It's Snippet Sunday! What a fun day! Thanks for the tag @therealgchu, @silurisanguine (on discord), and everyone else who urged folks to share. I will also urge those who see this and have something they've been working on to consider picking a small peek, just a snippet ;)

Anyway this snippet comes from Reclaiming Home, my DocCoe fic that has been slow to get off the ground after that spicy explosion of a first chapter. ...they needed some rest...lol

TW for discussions of past emotional abuse, attempted kidnapping. Placed under a "read more" cut

“It’s fine, Sam,” Jamie chuckled, “it’s not a secret.”

“Then why is he acting like it is?” Cora motioned at her dad.

“It used to hurt to think about it,” Jamie admitted, “but that was a long time ago.”

“So I am being nosy,” Cora frowned.

“No, you’re curious. Being nosy would be snooping and digging where you didn’t belong even after being told to drop it,” Jamie reached out and smoothed a stray curl back into place, “Fox took me away from Dodgewood when he did to save me from our parent’s plans for me.”

“What were the plans,” Cora leaned in.

“To stop me from being independent. My mom found out I’d been working with the history teacher at the school, filling out college apps and applying for financial aid. Neither of my parents wanted me going to college because, to them, that wasn’t meant for me. They were saving for Jasper’s college and were banking on Fox’s time in the militia to pay for his higher education.”

“But why not? You’re a genius!” Cora exclaimed.

Jamie let out a quiet laugh. She said it didn’t hurt anymore but the truth chewed a raw spot on her heart, “because my success would draw attention and they didn’t want that. They didn’t like people remembering I existed because it meant they had to act like they liked me.”

“But…” Cora stopped herself, absorbing what Jamie had said, “what were they going to do?”

“Dad knew a freight pilot from Hopetown who had a son a few years older than me looking for a wife. Wanted to move to Akila hoping to find better work. So my dad offered the guy a job on the farm and he and mom started working on convincing me he was just perfect for me. They hoped to browbeat me into marrying him, getting rooted in Dodgewood, and continue to be their little maid.”

“Oh, their those people,” Cora said quietly.

Her response made Jamie chuckle a little harder, “Yes they are.” “I don’t get it, it’s the 24rd century, people!” Cora threw up her hands.

“For some traditions and personal believes run deeper than any fact could hope to sway,” Jamie looked up to Sam. He was now standing behind Cora, leaned against a locker watching his girls with that worried look he wore so often nowadays. She looked back to Cora, “but Fox learned about their plans from Jasper, who was so excited to see my dreams crushed he couldn’t keep mom and dad’s secret. Baby brother’s animosity for me is what saved me in the end.”

“He wasn’t worried about you like Fox?” Cora asked.

“No, Jasper hated me with a fiery passion. As soon as they could get away with it my parents dumped all parenting responsibilities onto me. ‘Good practice’ they called it, for when I one day had my own.” Jamie looked over to the desk and took a deep breath, “I didn’t let him do every little impulsive thing his potato brain thought up and so he hated me.”

Cora’s hug caught Jamie off guard, causing her to jump slightly as the girls arms wrapped around her. She turned and hugged Cora back, rocking them back and forth slightly. Into her shoulder Cora asked, “so that why you both changed your names and kept lots of details vague in your writing.”

“Partly,” Jamie nodded and gave Cora one more little squeeze before sitting up, “We hadn’t planned it initially. We hoped some distance and time would give us a chance to prove to them it was the right call. Fox was the golden one, he did no wrong in their eyes, so he hoped he’d be able to convince them. But we learned fairly quickly how wrong we were on that front.

“Family came out of the woodwork to let us know what horrible children we were. Luckily by boss at the Rock was able to get security to keep an eye out for me when Fox and your dad were out of town. But even that started to fail and it’s one of the reasons I abruptly left the city. I couldn't risk my move being discovered by our family too soon.”

“What’s they do?” Sam asked, a heat on his words, his blue eyes burning as he looked down, hiding them from his girls.

“My Univeralist Uncle showed up with the potential suitor asking around for me, introducing the guy to others as my fiancé. People who knew me or your dad knew that was bogus but that didn’t stop the talk and then a few days before I left town they accosted me near the Rock. Deputy Monroe, well deputy at the time, he interceded and I was able to slip into the Rock but I knew I couldn’t stay after that.” A low growl rumbled in Sam’s throat. They’d need to talk about it later, when Cora went to bed. About why she never said anything.

“Seems like a lot of work when they could have just let you go,” Cora said as she sat back down. She held onto Jamie’s hand, seeming to want to keep some tether to her.

“It was embarrassing and reputation meant everything to them.” Jamie said with a tired smile, “Us leaving Dodgewood was the talk of the settlement when it happened. It’s a tiny settlement in the ass end of nowhere, it was all people talked about for a weeks. Speculation over why it happened and talk about how dramatic it looked: Fox had come home for a week of leave, was seen talking to Jasper near the spaceport, stormed home, and within an hour we were spotted loading into the militia transport he landed with and were gone. And we never came back. It was juicier than any shows they could download.”

“But couldn’t they see they were hurting you?” Cora asked.

“They didn’t care about my feelings on the matter, sweetheart,” Jamie said softly, “there are people in this world who only care about themselves. Everything they do is in service of making themselves look good to others. The jobs they take, the friends they make, the families they have, all of has the end goal of making people like them and nothing else. Most people won’t pick up on it because they aren’t personally affected by it, they’ll only see the good deeds, the kind words, the selfless charity.

“But that also means nothing can ever go wrong. Nothing can ever look out of place for them, because if it does it will let people see other cracks in their facade.” Jamie gave Cora’s hand a pat, “they wanted me to come back so they could say, ‘look everyone, we’re still a happy family and everything is fine’. As time went on and I completed my degrees, changed my last name, started making a name for myself in the Starfield, they backed off more and more because those that knew I was their daughter praised them for my success, making them look good. And those that didn’t know my family couldn’t judge them anymore.”

“Ew,” Cora scrunched her nose, “they tried to lock you away and then got to brag about your successes?

“Yup,” Jamie nodded, “and agreed, Ew.”

“Why not put them on blast? Tell everyone exactly what they did? Make sure they can’t steal your successes for themselves?” Cora asked.

“I’ve considered it,” Jamie admitted, “and every time I get close to doing it I remember that it won’t fix any of it. They won’t admit their fault. They won’t apologize. What it would do is let them play victim to those around them. Allow them to ‘woe is me, look at how my own daughter speaks of me after all I did for her’. Far better to allow my absence and silence weigh on them. If anyone asks after me and how I’m doing in my daily life they won’t have anything. And from what I’ve heard from the few people I’ve stayed in touch with from Dodgewood, that burns them the most. Sure, they love the praise of being parents of Doc Melody but when people ask questions…”

“That does sound like a better revenge,” Cora admitted.

[pynkhues]

Sorry if this is an incredibly stupid ask but how do you learn about the symposiums/lectures/panels you sometimes mention in asks? I've been looking to get more involved in my community but have no idea how to find lectures series or other programs.

It's not a stupid question at all, anon! It can be really hard to know where to start, especially as so many women's organisations and outlets can look like one thing (progressive, informative and supportive!) and end up being another (conservative, TERF-y and divisive).

The symposium I was at yesterday was a bit of an outlier. One of my current projects I am writing on is a documentary about how patriarchal government structures that are in theory there to help families navigate separation and single motherhood actually enable the continuation of family violence through financial abuse. It's pretty specifically looking at Family Court, the Australian Tax Office, the Australian Child Support Agency and Centrelink (our welfare system), and how these systems force single mothers into poverty that usually becomes generational poverty.

The director and I had interviewed someone who's involved in a paper that's being tabled in parliament next month specifically about the failures of the Child Support Agency, and she invited me to come to this because she was (along with a number of other women) presenting on her findings. That was closed to the public because it did have government representatives there and the paper itself isn't published yet.

Honestly, the best way to start getting into this sort of thing is to stay up-to-date with your local news. If you're in Australia (hell, even if you're not), Women's Agenda is an excellent place to start as, while it's imperfect, it's independent, owned entirely by women, and really tries to focus on both local and international news that's concerned with the rights of women, and I do think it works hard to be intersectional. Once you start reading regularly, you'll pick up the names of journalists that you like or that you feel are talking about areas of concern that you feel deeply about, and following those journalists on social media will usually lead you to podcasts, books, documentaries and events that they're either promoting or involved in, which will usually then lead you to other women doing other things that you can follow and get involved in yourself.

It can also be good to look at local ideas festivals or centres like writer's festivals which will sometimes be platforming feminist writers. Libraries are often doing these sorts of things, particularly larger libraries, and book stores (book launches can be great platforms for conversation about new non-fiction books concerned with areas of feminist thinking and quote-unquote 'women's issues'), and just googling around (or even looking at Eventbrite) to see if you have centres like the Victorian Women's Trust and The Wheeler Centre or even university focus clinics (one of the presenters yesterday runs one on tax and domestic violence which we talked a lot about) in your area which are invested in discussion and debate around these sorts of conversations.

But yes, the news I think is really the biggest thing. I've been invested in feminist issues and circles for about a decade, but I've usually worked in safety, so I'm pretty new to economic justice as a space of interest, so it's been a real education. That was motivated partially by what my sister's going through, but a lot of the events I've been to were triggered by the April news that a parliamentary inquiry was about to happen about the role of banks in preventing financial abuse. When these inquiries happen, there are often a bunch of adjacent lectures and events that happen to amplify conversations, so knowing that often will lead you to them.

[manie-sans-delire-x]

I've ADHD and other problems. Changed multiple jobs. I'm interested in research but don't want to do a Ph.D. Maximum I can do a master's but I honestly don't know if I can complete it. I am not interested in studying for so long but a bachelor's is a waste of time If you don't want to study more in the psych field. But you can go to other fields.

Since I've mental health problems, I don't think I can see others, or listen to their problems. Don't have patience but sure it can come with time. But really nope. I don't wanna treat patients.

I/O, perhaps but you need masters. I'm pretty much tired and from what I've read although there are jobs in I/O, people are still unemployed

Developmental, cognitive, and behavioral sounds interesting and you can go to research but a Ph.D. is needed.

Oh I see. Dont take this to be passive aggressive or implied as a negative thing, but is autism or schizophrenia one of them?

Ive job hopped a lot as well, and definitely relate to your situation, quite a lot actually, Ive been thinking about and considering similar things.

Well you dont have to do a masters program right away. You might not get accepted the first few times anyways- a lot of the successful applicants already have a masters and are going for a second. Its kinda unfair imo, but I suppose it means you just have to be that good to compete. I think that especially for mentally ill people in psych, you have to be in a good enough place in your life to be able to do the work long term, or complete a degree. Thats not always now.

I have a friend who made it, graduated with her masters, now opening her own clinic and giving therapy sessions independently. I have another friend who hasnt made it in yet, despite being very intelligent and good at school. Im sure she will though.

I wouldnt say a bachelors is a waste of time, not at all. Especially if you want to work directly with clients. Even if you dont, education is never a waste of time. I would say going to college was one of the best things in my life. Whether or not its financially worth it these days, is another matter and I think depends on the individuals circumstances, personality, and goals. Also, having a degree in anything improves your chances of getting most jobs, and psych is applicable to a wide range of jobs. Everything involves people.

You could always try it for a few months if you dont know what else to do. It may surprise you. But yeah, I mean, its psych. Its going to be very difficult to work in the field while avoiding people. Academics and research would be the most promising in terms of minimizing all that, but like you said, you need a doctorate.

Let me ask you this, why do you want to work in psych at all? It could still be part of your life, without being your profession.

[continuations]

Burning Man: Experiencing Rationing

Susan and I went to Burning Man this year for our first time. We had a wonderful experience together with our friends Cindy and Robin (who is an experienced Burner and acted as our guide). There are many justified criticism of Burning Man and the festival will likely to have to change substantially over the coming years (a subject for a future post).

Today I want to write about the absence of prices at Burning Man. Once you get to Black Rock City, everything is free (well, not everything, as ice was $20/bag -- more on that shortly). People have written about hopes and aspirations for a gift economy before but my key takeaway was about the importance of allocation mechanisms.

Without prices at Burning Man everything is rationed. You can go have a free drink at any of the bars (remember to bring your own cup and your ID -- yes, that's strictly enforced). But the bartenders will pour you a limited amount and then send you on your way. Same goes for all other goods and services. There are defined quantities available and that's what you get.

Now "rationing" has a negative connotation but it isn't inherently bad. It is a different allocation mechanism that has pros and cons when compared to the price mechanism. One advantage is that rationing treats people equally independent of their financial means, which can be desirable from a social cohesion perspective (well, rationing does that at least in theory -- back to that shortly). A disadvantage is that the signal of demand relative to supply are inventory and queue based. If you run out of stuff and have long queues, demand clearly exceeds supply. That is a lot harder to track than price and unlike price doesn't provide any inherent incentives for changing the supply (high prices usually provide high profits, which in well-functioning markets results in expansion of supply -- important note: we don't have a lot of well functioning markets these days due to concentration).

Now ice, one of the most important items given the extreme heat, did have a price of $20/bag. But because that price was fixed at $20 rationing was still needed. One day for example the ice trucks were only giving out three bags per person, which turns out to be a challenge if you are trying to pick up ice for your entire camp.

Keeping money out of the system entirely is actually quite hard. Why? Because rationing and queuing make a fertile ground for favoritism and bribes. If you know someone who can let you in the back door or you come "bearing gifts" you may be able to skip a line and obtain far more goods than you would be entitled to under the official rationing scheme. Susan and I were at Burning Man for five days and witnessed quite a few instances of this.

Experiencing all of this firsthand is exciting because it turns allocation mechanisms from a dry subject into a lived reality. Many discussions of the trade-offs involved in social and economic systems would be more honest if people had access to more diverse experiences (e.g. through travel).

Consider for example the discussion around higher education. To be clear upfront, I believe the US system of higher education is fundamentally broken and badly needs deep reforms. Still, too many people who advocate for free higher education seem to have given zero thought to the allocation questions that arise. In places where higher education is free, there are rationing schemes in effect. Some of these schemes are based on prior grades and admission testing, such as in Germany. Others, such as Switzerland, put up gating classes where early on a large percentage of students are failed.

Again, I am not saying these systems are bad and the US system of outrageous tuition and fees is good (especially because it still includes rationing). I am arguing that you cannot get around having some kind of allocation mechanism for limited resources (such as lecture halls and professors' time). That is of course why I am a huge proponent of making as much human knowledge digitally accessible as possible in my book The World After Capital, because with zero marginal cost we can in fact let everyone have access. I am also not advocating for attempting to use the price system everywhere because some of the most important things cannot have prices.

Instead my point here is as follows: (1) for limited resources when you don't have prices, you need rationing. And (2) rationing is hard to get right, which means you need to put a lot of thought and effort into it, including considering capacity signals and avoiding corruption. This is worth keeping in mind whenever you propose that something should be free.

[sincelastsession]

I almost aired all this out over Facebook so i decided to justpost it here instead.

--------

I'm being harassed almost daily by my neighbor.

My things were vandalized while I was home but since I don't have a picture of it on camera happening the apartment complex won't do anything. And it happened twice. And they have their fucking ring doorbell down on the ground pointed at my apartment. And they will not leave me alone including the children who shout things at me. And the office keeps telling me it's hearsay.

But my other neighbors would never do any of this And these people and the other new people that have just moved in are trashy as hell and the entire complex is just not safe anymore. How was walking from getting my mail and the woman told me that she was going to hurt me and that I was as stupid fat bitch because she thought I was reporting her for noise complaint again and the fact that she lets her children run around completely unattended and they have fucked with my things. And they know that I can't do anything about it.

And I've been looking at fucking cameras and I don't know anything about fucking security cameras and I'm trying so hard to just find one and pick it out and buy it.

I have done everything that I could possibly do about that. I even went over that with my therapist and he has no clue what else can be done other than "move". I cannot continue to walk around my own home with noise-canceling headphones to block out the insanely loud bullshit.

I've been trying to move for quite a while now. I've had 3 different doctors tell my parents that they needed to move me as soon as possible. I was given various dates of when I would get to move and different places did that I was going to get to move to. I was just recently told never mind And that I will not be moving at all. I cannot trust anything that they say because they lie and they say one thing and then they say the other.

And I've been in therapy and have goals for therapy and I cannot reach any of the goals coming up in therapy with the environment I'm living in it's not good for me and there's nothing that I can do about it. So basically I'm just wasting therapy appointments. I was just trying to move to a peaceful spot, decompress and unpack and the go hard in therapy to reach a goal to become financially independent away from them all.

Dad has me blocked and is "done" with me because he won't acknowledge what he and my sister did to me in January was WRONG. I sustained tissue damage in my neck. I still have a year to report it but I was threatened multiple times.

My executive dysfunction is completely fucking out of control. I'm in autistic burnout and having a PTSD flare from hell. But according to my father I'm just full of shit and my doctors are all wrong and he's right.

I just had to take my ESA cat June to the vet. She's not doing well. I have to give her meds twice a day.

I can't have kids. My cats are the closest thing that I will ever have to children. So it was awesome to hear from both of my parents that they didn't Care about my fucking cat when I tried to let them Know what was going on.

And they talk so much shit to my aunts and uncles and I can't get any just verbal support from them. I just told not to contact them unless it's an emergency. They have absolutely no fucking clue about what my life is actually like or who I am as a person. Just nasty assumptions.

They don't realize that I'm struggling so hard to get away from these people and their cyclical bullshit. I really need the support and they don't care. They have no idea how much I have been used and have been abused my entire life. They don't care to know.

I mean I'm almost 38 this is fucking embarrassing.

No one has to live with this but me so it'd be great if everyone would shut the fuck up about how they don't like hearing about my life or how much of a pain it is to talk with me because they won't educate themselves on shit.

Trying to get an autistic person to act allistic imo is like trying to tell someone they aren't actually gay. Which yeah I also get criticism about like it's a phase. I'm almost 38 it's not a fuck phase jfc.

I didn't ask to be born in such a dysfunctional family I did not ask for all the horrible horrible traumatic things that happened to me to happen.

And I'm sure lots of people have it much much worse but holy fuck

I mean I'm having to wear a fucking heart monitor because I probably have a heart condition that has been aggravated by all the stress I've been under.

And now I have just found out that my sister and her fiance broke it off and somehow this is my fault even though I had no idea what was going on.

I have spoken to her ONCE in the past 6 months and I told her now ex fiancé "Good Luck" as he went into training recently for the marines.

To top it all off my sister fucking hates me because I showed my mom a photoshoot she did and my mother goddamn slut shamed her clothes. It's not like they had her in dance wearing next to nothing for years before she was an adult. And yes I tore into my mother because the amount of clothing doesn't matter. I was fucking raped at a party as a teen with an adult around and I was not wearing "skimpy clothes".

I don't know what to do I just want to fucking scream and scream and scream

And I can't even scream in my own apartment because then the neighbors will have a reason to fall a noise complaint against me because they're that petty

I'm about to fucking start smoking cigarettes again.

Fuck this

[piercingsandfangs]

List of things I'm not allowed to do as sum1 in a mildly abusive household:

1. Cry ( lol ).

2. Be in the same room as my mother when she's mad.

3. Have financial independence ( every purchase I make my mom gets a notification for ( I'm 16 ) ).

4. Date people ( my mom gets annoyed at me if I do but she gets over it.

5. ( For context I'm autistic ) She does not believe that loud noises affect me. I am not allowed to be affected by loud sounds. She will scream and blast nightclub music to hurt my ears.

6. Be in pain. My mother has disabilities that put her in pain on the daily. Because of this any pain I experience in my life is invalid to her.

7. Go to the doctor's. Don't really understand this one, she sometimes lets me, other times she's anti me seeing a doctor at all even for things I really need.

8. Dislike anyone she knows. She however tries to make me hate and ignore my friends. She has used my own money against me because I dislike my aunt ( who has said pedophilic things. )

9. Be on phone calls. Again I don't get this one. They cost her nothing.

10. Watch shows she personally dislikes. That being; Doctor who, Twilight, Strictly come dancing, ect.

11. Watch YouTubers. If she walks in when I'm watching one she will tell me I I watch " stupid shit " and scream at me until I put something else on.

12. Go to cafés, restaurants, ect. Only allowed to when my cousin is coming ( my mom prefers her to me. )

13. Paint my nails. My mom doesn't like nail polish.

14. Be feminine in any way. I'm trans and she thinks trans men shouldn't be at all feminine. She sees cis men being feminine as empowering however.

15. Have interests. Uhhh yea !! I'm not allowed to talk about my interests to her and she gets mad if I tell anyone I know about them. She thinks they're boring so I needa change them or just shut up.

16. Go on public transport. She's only just started letting me get on busses. Always trying to tell me I'd have a panic attack if I tried anything else ( fear mongering ).

17. I used to not be allowed to like my little pony ( I grew up with the show, it's my comfort show because of that ).

18. Go places! Yea I'm not really allowed to go places, she doesn't let me go places alone then refuses to come with me ( she goes places for my cousin whenever asked ).

19. Misplace things. If I do I get screamed at. She once destroyed over 60 dollars worth of my things because of this.

20. Go to school. Wasn't allowed to do that for a few years. She decided to not let me do mainstream even though I would've been fine. I now lack important things in my education and résumé.

21. Say ANYTHING nice about my father to my mother. Oh boy.

22. Say anything nice about my mother to my father. Lel.

23. I have sh scars, they're very visible. I'm not allowed to have them on show too much.

24. Not allowed to draw scars. My mother says they're ugly.

Last but not least !

25. Tell someone about what happens at home. Because of course.

[masongrizchel]

The Only Scientist in the Family 👨‍🔬

What does it feel like to be the only scientist in the family? 🧪🔬

When my grandmother died, all the family members from my mother's side came, including my aunts and uncles, my cousins, and their siblings. In the Philippines, families are typically extended, making family reunions either exhausting or unlikely, especially for very large extended families. At least 2–3 generations of the family tree primarily cover this aspect. 🌳

On one side of the story, there is a comparison of the careers and life choices that your cousins made. Typically, Filipino parents are highly competitive, often comparing you to someone they perceive as doing better, saying things like, "Look at ___; he has a car, a stable job, and great pay and benefits. 🚗💼💰This is a common comment amongst aunts and uncles. Comparison is a natural aspect of family reunions. During the reunion, the metrics of success primarily rely on the number of assets one can present or flaunt (this is how they flex). 💪💼 How much they earn, how many kids they were able to finish college, and how well off they are in terms of their respective careers—for the most part, it focuses on what I call superficial things, mostly tangible (no offense meant). I enjoy conversing with them because my perspective and motivations are quite different from theirs, especially when most of their motivations are different from mine. What motivates you on a completely different level is the desire to leave something for the next generation to explore. 🌱🚀

Just to give you an idea, most of my cousins are seamen (if male) and teachers or managers of fast-food chains (if female). 🚢👨‍🏫🍔 As part of our culture, we all feel obligated to provide the comfort that our parents didn't have. 🏠 What do our aunts and uncles usually boast about? They often express a sense of pride and ownership regarding their siblings' successes. 💼 Despite facing various challenges within their own families, he or she supported their nephews or nieces in achieving their dreams or completing their education. 🎓 As a result, they tend to boast about how their kids pamper them. 🌟 Many of your cousins' jobs are either highly profitable or offer the greatest financial convenience. 💰 Tracking most of their careers, it is noticeable that I am the only scientist in our entire family (mother’s side). 👩‍🔬

On my father’s side, however, due to significant disparities in economic opportunities, he is illiterate. It's fortunate for them to have received at least an elementary education. 📚 My father completed elementary school, and according to what I heard from my late grandmother, he excelled academically, often ranking at the top of his class. 🎓 But since my dad wanted to help his family (his sister, brother, and mother), he grabbed the chance to ride the ship and sail to the new place of Metro Manila. ⛴️ His uncle started a photolithography business, and he recruited most of his nephews for job opportunities and ventures. According to what I heard from my grandmother, my dad is the son of a carnival owner in Cebu. 🎪 My dad, as a maiden child, was asked to live with my grandfather. I often hear this story, and I see it as a good opportunity for my dad to explore new ventures. However, I sensed some resentment because my dad also had to fend for his family on his own. 😔 This is a unique trait among Filipinos in general. They have this sense of pride and responsibility to show how independent they are. 🇵🇭 Most of my dad’s relatives are fishermen; their swimming skills determined their success, depending on how many fish they could catch. 🎣 But sadly, this can’t support and provide better opportunities for them since there are lots of factors involved when it comes to the number of fish that they can harvest from their respective nets. 🌊

Being with my relatives raised common questions about my salary and benefits. 💰 They often teased me, while few understood your true intentions or how much you wanted to contribute. 🤔 Your intrinsic drive for the quest that tests human boundaries is remarkable. 🚀 A middle-class background doesn't necessarily shield families from these persistent issues. 💼 You feel like you are the only one who is out of touch with the reality of the present time. 🕰️ You always think ahead since, for the majority of your work, you have deliverables to accomplish, as set by the funding agency that allowed you to ride your own mission. 📊 When you take part in something that your relatives think is pointless, you have no choice but to look for the support that will help you propel yourself to live up to your dream and vision that maybe someday everything that you have been doing right now will make sense. 🌟

Being the only scientist in the family is a unique experience that comes with its own set of challenges and rewards. It's an opportunity to bridge the gap between science and everyday life, helping to foster a greater appreciation for scientific inquiry within your family. 🔬👩‍🔬🌱

[meditating-dog-lover]

Healing but still in pain

As I have said in the past, I had very troubling and traumatizing teenage years. From 2009-2010 my life was so painful and traumatic. Life got much better thankfully because I gained independence, moved out, established myself and my own identity, and am a firm believer in healing and recovering and that there is always hope in the end. For the past 14-15 years I worked a lot on this healing and my life improved in so many ways. I moved to a lovely area, got a great education, am working in a respected and rewarding career path, have financial security and independence, have 2 dogs, got the chance to travel, went on a healing journey that significantly improved my physical and mental wellbeing, etc... My life has been filled with opportunities, privilege, and recovery since 2010 despite some difficult days.

I am reward driven unfortunately, and was moreso in the past than now because I established the value of psychological healing, which is a form of success and reward itself tbh.

Despite the success and healing, I still have some painful memories, moments, and flashbacks. Also I have some things that hurt me in the past that I am still working on healing. This ties in with:

(1) health anxiety and healing. I've had doctors scare and gaslight me in the past, to the point where I had a dentist damage my tooth when I was 14. This made me anxious of doctors and generally very distrusting of them (not all of course). I felt so inclined to take care of my own health so I don't have to rely on doctors who recommend unnecessary surgery and pharmaceuticals. I've healed a lot physically, I just need to work on my eczema and stop feeling so angry at doctors and dentists all the time because that also does nothing to help me.

(2) poor confidence/style and feeling shameful (due to how I was raised). I had perfectionist, image-focused parents. So I grew up with a lot of shame and I don't want that to control me anymore. I have poor confidence and style since I didn't really grow up with a good sense of this (this is a bit different from shame). I've struggled with my weight and had body dysmorphia and I still kind of do. But it's getting better and I'll eventually find the confidence to dress better. Also I was neglected by peers a lot and guys made fun of me when I was attracted to them, so this obviously poorly influenced my self-image.

(3) political trauma. As the granddaughter of a Palestinian, the war has always been a painful subject for me to talk about. It was painful 14-15 years ago and it is just as painful now. Sometimes it becomes so painful I get really mad (I have every right to because my family's history, culture, and community is being exterminated). Even when my coworker mentioned Gaza a few days ago, to my very pleasant surprise because sometimes it honestly feels like nobody gives a fuck, I felt hurt and choked up talking about it with them. Telling them this issue is deeply hurtful and traumatic to me because my family is personally affected by it and because I received a lot of shit and bullying when I spoke in defense of Palestine when I was a teenager in middle school. It's one of those things I need to talk about to feel better, but it feels painful to and sometimes I feel like the social climate at work and other public places won't tolerate it. I know the world is waking up to the Palestinian genocide and the awareness is very helpful, doesn't mean it isn't painful or traumatizing and it would not stop feeling this way even if Palestine is freed by tomorrow morning.

(4) general anxiety and stress. I've always been tense and on edge and I need to find ways to sit down and relax and take a breather. Maybe even meditate, and even take a break from social media because that puts me on high alert. Of course the news from the past 5 months has definitely made me stressed, and I can confidently say it made my eczema flareups worse, as well as my work performance (I'm doing great now and got a raise recently but October/November was so tough). I've always been tense and on edge, so the recently circumstances made things even worse.

(5) socializing and dating. I am someone who is very scared of developing feelings for someone. I am incapable of doing so, and I am scared of being emotionally open and vulnerable around people. Growing up it was hard to do so with my parents, and I've always been rejected when I wanted to join a social group or date someone. So I remain emotionally frigid and avoid catching feelings to avoid getting hurt, knowing that deep down I want emotional connections. I've filled that void with pretending I wanted only physical connections, but I know I want something deeper and more meaningful. I just don't have the emotional capacity to do so. Out of everything on this list, this will be the hardest to tackle.

I'll be 29 in a few months, so I'm almost 30. I would love to heal these as a part of my healing 20s before I turn 30, but even if I don't I am still on the right track. I feel more confident in general because I feel like my health is going in the right direction and I'm losing weight. I am doing great overall, I just have some small areas of improvement to work on, and at the end of the day, so does everyone else.

[chriswhitelawyer]

What is Bail?

Chapter 9 of the Code of Virginia deals with Bail and Recognizances. Accordingly, "Bail" means the pretrial release of a person from custody upon those terms and conditions specified by order of an appropriate judicial officer. Also, "Bond" means the posting by a person or his surety of a written promise to pay a specific sum, secured or unsecured, ordered by an appropriate judicial officer as a condition of bail to assure performance of the terms and conditions contained in the recognizance. Consequently, if you been arrested, you should call me I am Criminal Justice system Attorney.

Bail/Bond Hearings:

There are many factors that go into representing someone for a bail or bond hearing. Often, the court will consider:

The Place of Birth.

The ties to the community, including the length of time he or she has lived at the current and former addresses, current contact information, family relationships, immigration status (if applicable), employment record and history, date of birth, and social security number.

The physical and mental health, educational and armed services records.

The immediate medical needs, including chemical dependency treatment.

The past criminal record, if any, including adult criminal convictions and juvenile adjudications and prior record of court appearances or failure to appear in court, counsel should also determine whether the accused has any pending charges, whether they are on probation or parole and past or present performance under supervision.

Current immigration status and immigration history.

The ability of the client to meet any financial conditions of release.

The names of individuals or other sources that counsel can contact to verify the client’s provided information (counsel should consult with the client before contacting these individuals).

Other such information necessary to determine potential exposure under the sentencing guidelines.

Any necessary information waivers or releases that will assist the client’s defense.

Court Hearing:

The factors above must be properly argued to the court in order for the court to consider whether it will allow pretrial release from custody. These factors are not independent, often the court will consider all of them. In sum, they are interdependent, each relating to the other to form an assurance to the court that an accused will return when called and address the accusations against them. Subsequently, where a detained citizen may not have a favorable factor for one argument they may have a good argument regarding another factor.

Presumption in favor of Pretrial Release:

The presumption in Virginia is in favor of pretrial release. This is because if you find yourself in custody your employment and other life obligations will likely be destroyed. The Government must be required to prove their case before taking from citizens. This is a basic due process right that is afforded every United States Citizen.

There are horror stories of U.S. Citizens being detained by the government for years prior to trial and later being exonerated of the reason for the arrest in the first place. The truth is that any amount of detention is likely to destroy a citizen’s life. This is something that must not be allowed without real proper cause. In reality, an authority figure can easily engage in their own narssasitic maculation without actual cause to arrest a citizen. This is a crime against humanity and does happen more often than those in power would like to admit.

Criminal Justice System Attorney

Chris White Lawyer, LLC. is a Lynchburg, Virginia Law Firm. Available for consultations in person, via Facetime, Skype, Zoom or phone (434) 660-9701. Please also check out my practice areas in Criminal Defense Attorney and Car Accidents. At my Law Firm we focus on the best result for the client. To stay connected I have a Youtube , Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Tumblr, Blogger, Reddit,  Yelp,  Avvo and Justia.

Chris White lawyer, LLC

Cellphone: (434) 660-9701

Available with appointment (434) 660-9701:

700 12th St, Lynchburg, VA 24504

Available with appointment (434) 660-9701:

100 Tradewynd Dr. Lynchburg, VA 24502

[darkcostco]

Hey Gamers, I'm going to take a moment to get serious about things seeing as I've been applying for scholarships and a lot of them have really forced me to look back in my own journey asa. nonbinary youth to the semi functioning adult I am today.

For many trans students, familial support may be absent, necessitating financial independence. In my case, lacking family support places the burden of schooling squarely on my shoulders. This financial strain not only adds stress but also creates formidable barriers to educational attainment. Adequate funding emerges as a lifeline, offering the opportunity for academic success despite the additional challenges faced by trans individuals.

It is so incredibly alienating to not be able to be yourself around your family, oftentimes for me it feels like I'm actively widthholding myself and holding my family 'hostage' in a toxic environment simply because I demand that my wellbeing's needs are being met.

The imperative need for trans individuals to distance themselves from unsupportive family environments is a shared experience. Education becomes a pathway to independence, allowing us to explore our identities freely without fear of rejection. Funding plays a pivotal role in enabling trans students to escape potentially harmful situations, fostering personal growth and ensuring a safer environment for self-discovery.

My dedication to illustration, a field where I see myself making a significant impact, exemplifies the transformative power of education for trans individuals. Representation matters, and supporting trans students in their academic pursuits creates opportunities for diverse perspectives and talents to thrive, contributing to positive change in various fields.

Advocating for funding aligns with broader movements promoting equality and justice. It challenges the systemic discrimination faced by trans individuals, affirming their right to equal opportunities in education. By sharing my story, I hope to shed light on the transformative impact of funding for trans individuals, not only as a matter of personal empowerment but as a crucial step towards dismantling systemic barriers and creating a more inclusive society.

[nathfiset]

Helicopter parenting: everything you need to know

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Helicopter parenting

 Helicopter parenting, a term coined in the 1960s by Dr. Haim Ginott, refers to a style of parenting where parents are excessively involved in every aspect of their baby and child's life.These parents are constantly hovering over their children, monitoring their every move and decision.While this parenting style may stem from good intentions, it can have detrimental effects on both the baby and the parent.In recent years, there has been a sharp increase in the number of parents who exhibit helicopter parenting behaviors, leading to a growing debate on its impact on child development.As a result, the topic of helicopter parenting has garnered significant attention from psychologists, educators, and parents alike.In this article, we will delve into the concept of helicopter parenting, its origins, and its potential effects on children. Furthermore, we will explore the factors that contribute to this parenting style, and the long-term consequences it may have on children's emotional and social well-being.Finally, we will discuss strategies for parents to strike a balance between being involved and overbearing, in order to promote healthy and independent development in their baby and children. 

Definition and impact of helicopter parenting

 Helicopter parenting refers to an overly controlling parenting style characterized by excessive involvement and intervention in a child's life. This approach stems from a desire to protect and ensure the success of the child, but it often results in negative consequences.The impact of helicopter parenting can manifest in various ways, such as a lack of independence and self-confidence in babies and  children,difficulty in problem-solving and decision-making, and a heightened sense of anxiety and fear of failure. This constant hovering and micromanaging can hinder a child's ability to develop crucial life skills and adapt to challenges independently.Additionally, helicopter parenting may strain parent-child relationships, as children may feel suffocated or resentful due to the lack of autonomy and trust placed in them. 

Signs that you may be helicoptering

 As parents, it is important to be mindful of our parenting style and the potential impact it can have on our children.Here are some signs that you may be exhibiting helicopter parenting tendencies without realizing it. Firstly, you may find it difficult to trust your child to make their own decisions and handle their own problems. Instead, you feel the need to constantly intervene and control every aspect of their lives. Secondly, you may have a tendency to constantly monitor and supervise your child's activities, whether it be their schoolwork, friendships, or extracurriculars.This can result in a lack of privacy and personal space for your child. Additionally, you may struggle with setting boundaries and allowing your child to experience natural consequences.Rather than letting them learn from their mistakes, you try to shield them from any potential discomfort or failure. Being aware of these signs can help you reflect on your parenting approach and make necessary adjustments to foster a healthy and balanced relationship with your baby and child. Warning Signs of Helicopter Parenting - Constantly checking in on child's activities - Not allowing child to make their own decisions - Overscheduling child's daily activities - Micromanaging child's school work and grades - Being overly protective and not allowing child to take risks - Not giving child enough independence and personal space 

Negative effects on child's development

 It is widely recognized that a child's development can be negatively impacted by certain parenting practices. Overly controlling or restrictive parenting styles can hinder a child's ability to develop autonomy and self-confidence. When parents consistently make decisions on behalf of their child without allowing them to have a say, it can limit their problem-solving skills and independence. Furthermore, excessive monitoring and constant supervision can impede a child's ability to develop their own sense of responsibility and accountability. Without the opportunity to make choices and face natural consequences, children may struggle to develop important life skills such as decision-making and resilience. It is important for parents to strike a balance between providing guidance and support while also allowing their child the space to grow and learn from their own experiences. 

Encouraging independence and growth

 In fostering independence and growth, parents play a crucial role in shaping their child's development. By promoting age-appropriate responsibilities and encouraging decision-making, children are given the opportunity to develop essential life skills. Providing guidance and support, rather than intervening at every obstacle, allows children to build problem-solving abilities and gain self-confidence. Allowing them to make mistakes and learn from those experiences is essential for their personal growth. By gradually increasing their responsibilities and providing them with the tools to succeed, parents can empower their children to become self-reliant individuals, capable of navigating the challenges that lie ahead. This approach not only cultivates independence but also instills a sense of resilience and adaptability, enabling children to thrive and reach their full potential. 

Communication with your child's teachers

 Effective communication with your child's teachers is vital for fostering a collaborative and supportive educational environment. Regularly engaging in open and respectful conversations allows parents to stay informed about their child's progress, challenges, and achievements. By actively participating in parent-teacher conferences, attending school events, and establishing regular communication channels, parents can gain valuable insights into their child's academic and social development. Moreover, this dialogue enables parents to share important information about their child's individual needs, interests, and learning style, fostering a more personalized and tailored learning experience. By establishing a strong partnership with teachers, parents can work together to support their child's educational journey and ensure they receive the necessary guidance and resources for success. 

Building trust and setting boundaries

 Creating a foundation of trust and setting clear boundaries are essential components of effective parenting. Trust is built through consistent and open communication, actively listening to your child's thoughts and feelings, and being reliable and consistent in your actions. By establishing trust, you create a safe and nurturing environment where your child feels comfortable expressing themselves and seeking guidance. Additionally, setting boundaries helps children understand expectations and develop self-discipline. It is important to establish age-appropriate rules and limits, communicate them clearly, and consistently enforce them. This provides children with a sense of structure and helps them develop self-control and decision-making skills. By balancing trust and boundaries, you can create a healthy and supportive parenting approach that promotes your child's growth and well-being. 

Prioritizing your child's well-being

 Ensuring the well-being of your child should be a top priority for every parent. This involves considering their physical, emotional, and mental health. Physically, it means providing them with a nutritious diet, regular exercise, and proper healthcare. Emotionally, it means creating a nurturing and loving environment where they feel safe to express their emotions and are supported in their social and personal development. Mentally, it means fostering their cognitive abilities through educational opportunities, stimulating activities, and promoting a healthy work-life balance. Prioritizing your child's well-being requires attentiveness, responsiveness, and a genuine interest in understanding their individual needs and preferences. By taking a holistic approach to their overall well-being, you can ensure that they are equipped with the necessary tools and support to thrive in all aspects of their life. 

Balancing support with autonomy

 As children grow and develop, it becomes essential for parents to strike a delicate balance between offering support and fostering autonomy. This balance allows children to develop important life skills, independence, and self-confidence while still having a safety net to rely on when needed. By providing support, parents can guide their children in making informed decisions, offering guidance and advice based on their knowledge and experience. However, it is equally important to allow children the space to explore and make choices on their own, granting them the opportunity to learn from both successes and failures. This approach promotes a sense of ownership and responsibility, enabling children to develop critical thinking skills and problem-solving abilities. By finding this balance, parents can help their children develop into capable and resilient individuals ready to navigate the complexities of the world. 

Seeking outside support and guidance

 While parents play a crucial role in the development of their children, seeking outside support and guidance can also be beneficial. Professionals such as counselors, therapists, and educators have extensive knowledge and experience in child development and behavior. They can provide valuable insights, strategies, and resources to parents, helping them navigate challenges and address specific concerns. Outside support can also offer an objective perspective, allowing parents to gain a deeper understanding of their child's needs and strengths. Additionally, engaging with other parents and joining support groups can provide a sense of community and the opportunity to share experiences and learn from one another. Seeking outside support and guidance complements the efforts of parents, empowering them with additional tools and knowledge to support their child's growth and well-being. 

Letting go and embracing imperfection

 It is important for parents to recognize the value in letting go and embracing imperfection in their parenting journey. In a society that often promotes an idealized image of perfection, it can be easy to fall into the trap of striving for unattainable standards. However, by accepting that parenting is a learning process filled with ups and downs, parents can cultivate a healthier and more balanced approach. Letting go of the need to control every aspect of their child's life allows for greater flexibility and adaptability. Embracing imperfection means acknowledging that mistakes will be made, but that these mistakes can serve as valuable opportunities for growth and learning for both parent and child. By fostering an environment of acceptance and understanding, parents can empower their children to develop resilience, independence, and self-confidence. In conclusion, helicopter parenting may seem like a harmless way to ensure our children's success, but it can ultimately hinder their growth and independence. As parents, it is important to strike a balance between being involved and allowing our children to make their own mistakes and learn from them. By promoting self-sufficiency and resilience in our children, we can better prepare them for the challenges of adulthood. It is important to trust in our children's abilities and to be a supportive presence rather than an overbearing force in their lives. Let us strive to raise confident and capable individuals, rather than dependent and anxious ones. 

FAQ

 What are the potential negative effects of helicopter parenting on children's development and independence? Helicopter parenting can have several negative effects on children's development and independence. It can hinder their ability to problem-solve and make decisions on their own, as they are constantly being guided and protected by their parents. This can lead to a lack of self-confidence and independence in adulthood. Helicopter parenting also limits children's opportunities to learn from their mistakes and develop resilience. Additionally, it can strain the parent-child relationship, as children may feel smothered or resentful of their lack of autonomy. Overall, helicopter parenting can impede children's growth and development into independent, self-reliant individuals. How does helicopter parenting affect a child's ability to problem solve and make decisions on their own? Helicopter parenting can hinder a child's ability to problem solve and make decisions on their own. When parents excessively intervene and make decisions for their children, it deprives them of opportunities to learn from their mistakes and develop problem-solving skills. It can also lead to a lack of confidence and independence as children become overly reliant on their parents' guidance. By constantly sheltering and controlling every aspect of their child's life, helicopter parents inadvertently hinder their child's growth and ability to navigate challenges independently. What are some signs or indicators that a parent may be engaging in helicopter parenting? Some signs or indicators that a parent may be engaging in helicopter parenting include excessive involvement in a child's activities, high levels of control and micromanagement, an inability to let their child make independent decisions, constantly monitoring and intervening in their child's life, and an overemphasis on their child's achievements and success. Helicopter parents may also have difficulty allowing their child to experience natural consequences and may struggle with boundary-setting. Overall, helicopter parenting is characterized by overprotectiveness and a lack of trust in their child's abilities to navigate the world on their own. How can helicopter parenting impact a child's relationships with their peers and ability to develop social skills? Helicopter parenting can have a negative impact on a child's relationships with their peers and ability to develop social skills. Constant monitoring and intervention by parents can prevent children from learning how to navigate social situations and solve conflicts on their own. It can lead to a lack of independence and self-confidence, as children are accustomed to relying on their parents for guidance. Additionally, helicopter parents may inadvertently hinder their child's ability to form genuine connections with peers, as their presence and interference can make it difficult for children to establish trust and develop their own social dynamics. Overall, helicopter parenting can limit a child's social development and hinder their ability to form healthy relationships with their peers. Are there any potential benefits or positive aspects of helicopter parenting, or is it generally considered detrimental to a child's development? While helicopter parenting may provide some short-term benefits such as ensuring a child's safety and academic success, it is generally considered detrimental to a child's long-term development. Helicopter parents tend to limit their child's independence, problem-solving skills, and resilience. Additionally, these children may struggle with decision-making and have difficulties adapting to new situations. It is important for parents to find a balance between providing support and allowing their child to develop autonomy and independence, which promotes their overall growth and well-being. 

Read the full article

[ipsogender]

Book review: Love, No Matter What by Komal Ahuja

While looking for book options for @intersexbookclub, I found this book on a list of intersex books and couldn't find any reviews of it from actually intersex people, nor any content warnings for the book. So, for anybody looking for such information, here's my review of the book:

Content warnings for the book

Rape by a spouse

Rape by a teacher

Domestic violence

Transphobia

How I felt about it overall

The book is neither awful nor great. I'd say 2.5 stars. It has some nice queer found family in it, and some lovely trans-intersex solidarity that was heartwarming. It centres on a perisex parent of an intersex child and the centring of perisex experience was disappointing for me (I am intersex).

Book Summary

Neira gives birth to Devi, who is born with ambiguous genitals. Her husband wants nothing to do with the baby. Luckily some hijras stop by to bless the newborn, and seeing an intersex baby, offer to take the baby in. Chandani, the Guru of the local hijra community comes to an agreement with Neira. Devi will live with the Guru and be raised with the hijras where she'll be accepted, and Devi will come over in the afternoons. And so Devi grows up.

When it comes time for Devi to enrol in school, Neira's best friend Naveen steps up to be the father on the paperwork since the birth father continues to want nothing to do with Devi. He winds up gettting fully involved as a co-parent.

Spoilers follow.

Devi grows up, has a mixed estrogen/androgen puberty, and experiences a bunch of hardships due to being intersex and the stigma of being associated with the hijras. This includes a sexual assault, struggling to get access to education, issues of filling in forms, and the psychological toll of being her birth family's dirty little secret. But through the support of her queer found family she pulls through, gets her education, starts a company, marries a transmasc, and becomes financially independent.

The good

Queer family! 🌈 Devi's birth dad was awful, but it was heartening to see Chandani and Naveen step up so Devi grew up with two mothers and one dad. The queer co-parenting that emerged was lovely.

Trans people showing up for intersex people! The trans hijras like Chandani do a vital job in ensuring Devi gets bodily autonomy and a chance to grow up in an environment that is accepting 🏳️‍⚧️

Devi is explicitly described as healthy - (i.e. being intersex doesn't mean she is unhealthy)

Surgery isn't forced onto Devi! At the beginning of the book the doctors are recommending surgery and thanks to Chandani adopting Devi this doesn't happen. As an adult Devi chooses to have surgery for her own sake, and Neira is like "but why?"

The scene where Devi is upset at the science textbook not including intersex people! She first gets upset because the science textbook has nobody like her in it, then when Chandani explains her anatomy, Devi decides that the world of straight people sucks because "There is not even a mention of us in the text book." 🙃

Non-Western queerness! The hijras escorting Devi to school during times when there has been increases in anti-trans violence felt all too familiar, sadly. That and the pain of filling in forms when your sex/gender isn't one of the usual two.

This book knows the police are the problem and cannot be trusted

The bad

The editing. There are a bunch of typos, plot elements pop up randomly or out of order, there are minor details that are inconsistent, and the voice/style of narration is also inconsistent. The pacing is also all over the place.

Plot inconsistencies. The reasons given for why Devi can't attend school like the other kids are inconsistent throughout the book - at first it's because they're worried she'll have an unusual puberty, but later it's because of gender markers on her government ID. Devi faces issues because of the sex on her birth certificate. But they forged Devi's birth certificate to put Naveen down as the father but didn't alter it to change the gender/sex on the form. Why didn't they just try to pass Devi off as female?

Just so much sexual violence. When Devi is sexually assaulted by a tutor, she is consoled that "it happens to normal girls and boys too" which just WHAT A RESPONSE. At least the tutor gets beaten up by Chandani and another hijra. But when Neira's husband rapes her it is passed off as "oh you know how men are, they have no control". 🤮 The scene is incredibly upsetting and to have it passed off as acceptable was infuriating.

Neira's husband. I get that his role in the book is to be a cowardly bigot. But he neither gets commeupance nor comes around to accepting Devi. Over the course of the book Neira learns to take him less seriously but never goes as far as to leave him. He totally gets away with raping his wife. 😶

Plausibility in the end. Devi starts a company with the other hijras and it just goes too well. It launches without any snags, no bad reviews, no supply chain issues, no lost shipments, no cash flow issues, and so on. I've never started a business but this read like total fantasy. The company goes so well they get a government award and everything about the award ceremony and again it all goes too well to be believable. It veers into inspiration porn territory.

At one point Devi asks Chandani why the hijra are oppressed and gets a response that blames other's bigotry but also that "We [the Hijra] don't raise our voice against injustice." Victim blaming much?

The disappointing

There's still a bunch of conflation of sex and gender.

The book is pretty vague on what Devi's intersex variation is. It's clear Neira has access to doctors, and they order blood work and imaging, so you'd expect there to be a diagnosis. Devi is described as having "both organs", a penis and "a female reproductive organ". Why the vague euphemisms about female anatomy specifically? I don't acutally know if this means vulva/labia, vagina, ovaries, and/or uterus. The reason this bothers me is a lot of perisex authors don't differentiate between intersex variations and wind up creating physiologically implausible intersex variations. Devi is described as having a puberty that involves developing breasts, a muscular build, and some facial hair that she removes. PAIS maybe? Could also be 5-ARD or 17 beta? But it's never really clear and I worry that muddies the messaging.

Neira's parents-in-law are bigoted and excused with "they are far too set in their prejudices to … change". They won't be changing with that kind of attitude!

The choice of protagonist. This is not a book about an intersex person, this is a book about a parent of an intersex child. I recognize there is need for media for parents, especially to get them to stop forcing harmful treatments on their children. I find it upsetting that parents can't listen to actually intersex people directly, that even in a story about intersex it centres perisex experience.

Neira is lionized for having anything to do with Devi. There are a bunch of bits on how amazing she is for doing this bare minimum and how amazing parents are. And biological parents are still favoured - Chandani doesn't get anywhere near as much credit for raising Devi as Neira does, despite being the one who gave her a home and taught her about trans and intersex issues in a way that was accepting.

The Indian

The book is written in Indian English. Some language will feel inappropriate to North Americans like using transgender as a noun. Some language made me do double-takes. Did you know "tuition" can refer to classes/studies? I didn't - I'd only ever seen the term used to refer to school fees. Turns out that's very North American of me. TIL. I appreciate that author didn't try to internationalize the English.

There are a bunch of Hindi phrases that show up in dialogue. It's mostly comprehensible from context, but there were some bits where I couldn't follow what was going on.

I am a white Canadian. I am in no way able to judge the realism of this book in the Indian context. I don't know if it is a realistic or accurate depiction of hijras (the author is not hijra). I'm not sure if "hijra" is even the right term to use. In the book, they present themselves as a third gender, and I don't know if this is what they want. The book also middle-class-ifies the hijras by the ond of the book and again, not sure if this is what they want. There's a lot I don't know and am just going to have to trust/hope the author got this right.

I was stunned that the doctor didn't tell Naina that the baby was intersex, instead only telling the birth father and leaving it to him to tell Naina. Not sure if this is normal but just uuuuugh callbacks to how mere decades ago doctors wouldn't tell women basic things and instead leave it to husbands/fathers to decide 🧐

The gender roles in this book are real something. Wives exist to serve their husbands meals. Daughters exist to be given away to another family via marriage. Devi chose well in deciding to stay in the Hijra community. 👀

Overall rating: 2.5 / 5

[eurydicerue]

From the Archive: July 15, 2014

 I really wish I could go study abroad and see beautiful churches and study in the university library and experience winter in a place where it’s really cold.

I wish I could spend my days learning new things and connecting with professors, and my nights meeting new people on campus and figuring out what I want to be.

I wish I had the luxury of new books every term and being stressed out about finals.

But I can’t get any financial aid, and I don’t have any money, so instead I’m working a minimum wage job in the hopes that I might be able to take a couple classes a term at the local community college.

I want to experience being around people my age who are excited about learning and dedicated to becoming something more. The community college atmosphere just isn’t that. Everyone’s kind of embarrassed to be there. Everyone’s just trying to get somewhere else.

I have all these girls I knew in high school who have more money, and they are all going to beautiful universities and studying abroad.

One girl is going to the University of Dallas. She trekked the Camino de Santiago, a 764k journey from France to Santiago! She posted photos along the way that looked absolutely healing, like a grassy Monet.

Another girl is going to the University of Malibu, she joined a sorority and studied abroad in London. She would post pictures all bundled up in a beautiful coat next to the classic red telephone booth, or grinning with the friends she made there.

Another girl is going to the University of California Berkeley. She spent a month  in Dublin visiting cafes and leaning over miles-high bluffs, and is now going to Paris- Paris! To study there.

And another is at Boston College, making new friends and going to campus events. In the Winter, she posted pictures of the beautiful old grounds that looked like Hogwarts during Christmas.

If only! I’m struggling just to pay the bills for the little house I live in with my two sisters, ten minutes from my parent’s house, ten minutes from work. Oh! My life has such small parameters. I wish to do some adventuring, some real learning. I realize now that this ache inside me to go to a university, to learn and to be independent and travel, is something that’s been sitting there for longer than I could have known.

My reading list for this year was simply an attempt to console myself for the learning I’ve missed since I can’t afford going to school. I added texts like Anna Karenina and Ulysses in an attempt to get some classic literature in there, in an attempt to sew my own mind closer to the beautiful grounds of East coast campuses.

I wish to write, to read, to kick up leaves at the beginning of the Fall semester and cram for finals in a cramped dormitory. To study with school chums and have adventures to remember... but it feels like I’m doing next to nothing with my life. Meanwhile, my other friends got a letter from Harvard saying they noticed his high SAT scores and wanted to encourage him to look at them. I didn’t even take my SAT!

 I don’t know, guys. I’ve entered the struggle of trying to remember to water my lawn and struggling to pick up enough shifts to where I can pay my bills. Luxury to me would be nights studying in a well-financed university library, mornings reading in a cute local coffeehouse, and a classical education. I can’t imagine the luxury of having your education as you “job.” Some people are so fortunate.

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I wrote this in (I think?) 2014. Almost 10 years later I’m graduating from a university and have had most of these experiences (still haven’t been to Europe, but I have traveled outside of the country). I am also working in a student outreach program to provide opportunities like the above to underprivileged students (like myself). I feel so fortunate to have gotten to have these experiences after all. It took a lot of determination, and a lot of work.