#I am disgusted with a lot of people's behaviour in this community

[eternal-moss]

Christ, the whole Wilbur situation is so fucked. Already the things that are coming out of the woodworks so quickly are so sad.

tw for abuse and misogyny. If you aren’t aware of this yet, Wilbur Soot has been revealed as a prolific abuser

My heart breaks for all the people he’s harmed. I think Shelby was really intelligent in the way that she’s brought this to attention, without naming him. This meant that even though some people denied it or lashed back at her, the repercussions were minimised.

Wilbur responding proved it was him she was talking about, although the details she provided made it so patently clear it was him from the start, it made it so that he had to admit he was the one who had been committing essentially serial abuse on young women by the nature of him responding to the description of the unnamed abuser, although he didn’t mention that it was *multiple women* in his absolutely pathetic excuse of an ‘apology’.

I’ve been thinking about this deeply from pretty much directly the moment after Shubble revealed it really. I’m not going to pretend that I’ve ever watched any of Shubble’s stuff, and I’ve not watched streamers for a couple of years now, but the courage she had to do this is fucking immense. Wilbur is very well off financially with a massive and loyal fanbase, the influence he has is very large and not to be underestimated. His ‘apology’ reeks of PR pressure, although it fails to meet the mark on all levels of even a basic apology (which is not even the bare minimum in this situation) and omits some very important details.

It’s so sad that abuse and grooming is so common amongst streamers/YouTubers, but the response to this time (from the community) being genuine support instead of victim blaming does make me feel hopeful. Wilbur’s condescension of women and younger ccs is absolutely disgusting. This recontextualises so many moments when he’s been dismissive of and made jokes at women’s expense. What he’s done is abuse and it’s misogyny. He’s picked on people he knows are less able to fight back from all parameters. Misogyny is massive in the gaming scene, and he’s relied on all these women (it really is a lot at this rate, even an ex-trumpeter from Lovejoy) staying silent out of fear.

Shubble saying keeping their silence protected him more than it protected her is very true, and this will absolutely wreck his reputation. Rather, he’s fucked it up himself, and there really is no one else to blame in this situation. The people who knew about it and were subject to this were typically smaller, younger or female streamers. It’s disgusting that he had relied on their silence for so long.

This is a bit of a mess, but ngl so am I. It’s been eating at me for as long as it’s been going on, I found out almost immediately. I was quite a big Wilbur fan for a damn long time, since his early days of streaming (when skyblock randomiser was made etc). I was emotionally invested in his original music and looked up to him a lot.

The worst thing I think is that I resonated with his online interactions with Tommy (which makes me feel vile), and his adoration of Wilbur, always calling him ‘like a big brother’, and it fondly reminded me of me and my younger sibling. Except Wilbur would sometimes do some unexpectedly cruel things. Like stomping on Tommy’s hand and causing it to bleed. That alarmed me at the time, also when he revealed that he was relying on Tommy to talk him out of suicide, which really made me concerned about how healthy their relationship was. The worst thing is, this didn’t surprise me that much at all when it was revealed. Shelby’s descriptions could fit no other person, and it made sense and lined up with his past behaviour, but that doesn’t make it any less wholly awful and horrific.

I wasn’t going to talk about it on this blog, but I just feel angry. Angry for all these people he’s hurt. Angry that he’ll still be living comfortably off of his fanbase for years to come, young people who trusted and idolised him, the vast majority young girls themselves. Angry for Shubble, angry for Niki, angry for the women’s names we don’t know yet, angry for those who had been intimidated into silence. Angry for those who had been abused and brutalised by him. The main thing that’s coming up again and again is the biting, the bruising, the physical abuse, the way they were scared into saying anything, left traumatised by the way they’d been treated. As if that could be brushed off in any way by some disgustingly shallow and self-centred attempt at self preservation of his reputation. Fuck off.

Like Aimsey said, this isn’t some light cancellation from Twitter, these are reprehensible serial misogynistic crimes, and it’s only been days since the initial reveal and hours since his response and the influx of victims speaking up. My heart breaks to know how much more is going to be unearthed.

So yeah this is basically it, I treat this blog mainly as an archive for fan creations of things I like, but also as a collection of my thoughts. I have been unable to stop thinking about this, and I know that I’ve barely talked about mcyt on here, but I was heavily into dsmp and streamers for a long time. Shubble is insanely bloody brave for doing this, I wish them all the best (and the other victims) in recovering from his behaviour, as well as applauding her for the sheer fucking bravery to make the decision to speak up.

***I’ve seen some people saying Shubble uses they/them pronouns, but most people I’ve seen refer to her with she/her. If I find out she doesn’t use she/her I’ll change this post < Shelby uses she/they

[clearheartspurpleflowers]

‼️ Please read ‼️

If you are active in fandom spaces— Especially Sander Sides or Hazbin Hotel, I encourage you to read this thread for your own safety!!

There is a user you may know as they have been called out before, that goes by the name Roman Calvary System, Calvary or Roman Calvary, they were previously known as The Trojan Horse Collective or The Trojan Horse System but has since separated that identity from themselves as a Sub-System although I doubt the validity of that claim because they have previously admitted It was simply to seperate themselves from their past.

Calvarys previous partner, Atlas, somebody who also came forward about Calvary and their repeated abuse, has also been allegedly exposed for inappropriate and gross behaviours regarding children and also saying the n word as a white person. While I cannot speak much on the situation regarding Atlas due to my lack of knowledge, I can bring forward evidence I have seen regarding the claims.

However, this post will probably focus more on Calvary as I have been involved with the drama regarding them personally and I know more about it.

Calvary has already got themselves a reputation amongst the Sander Sides community for various abusive and disgusting behaviours- Just some of them being inappropriate exchanges with children (As young as fourteen) Telling people to kill themselves, wishing death upon peoples mother, being racist/racially insensitive. I wish that was the end of the list but It sadly is not. Calvary has also been condemned by Thomas himself personally which there is evidence of in a seperate call out post that I will be linking below, along with all the other evidence of their behaviour.

Something I would like to close down before it gets brought up as an excuse is the infamous ‘I’ve changed’ tactic. Calvary recently made a post on their X (formerly known as Twitter) claiming that they have changed as a person and the drama is from when they were fifteen and they have since bettered their behaviour- This is not true. Calvary has not changed and has not bettered themselves at all and the drama is not just old things from when they were fifteen. These incidents are recent and from this year.

One of these instances being Calvary (Or one of their alters, Remus- An alter you will probably see a lot of here as he is the main perpetrator of most inappropriate exchanges regarding children) attempting to SRP with a literal fourteen year old- Instead of doing the logical thing and refusing to SRP with a minor, they pulled the typical ‘If you’re okay with it’ card, and I mean, sure- Maybe an uninformed minor would be okay with it but why are YOU okay with it as the older person? ‘As long as you’re okay with it’ Why are YOU? That is very creepy and gross behaviour and any decent person would have refused to SRP with a minor, people under the AOC.. cannot consent.. It is your responsibility as the older person to have known better and said no. You should not try to SRP with minors and you shouldn’t be okay with it either.

Another instance regarding their Remus would be an instance where another one of their alters blatantly admitted that Remus finds it funny to make inappropriate comments about people and even FUNNIER when it’s a minor- You know what that makes Remus? A predator, finding it funny to walk all over peoples boundaries and even more so when It is a child is absolutely horrific and taking pleasure in making children uncomfortable is not only disgusting but also blatantly predatory.

Remus has also been harassing, threatening, and finding out personal information about a minor because they came forward about Atlas dating them when they were *eleven* and Atlas was fourteen, I am sure we can all agree that that is not okay and that the age gap is obviously a problem, minors can very well hurt other minors and be in appropriate towards other minors, Atlas should not have gotten into a relationship with an eleven year old at fourteen years old, children are capable of taking advantage of other children, I’m not sure if that was the case here but regardless, you should not date an eleven year old at the age of fourteen. You also shouldn’t call black people the n word. You also shouldn’t say sexual things to minors.

I will be attaching screenshots of these instances below and potentially reblogging with more to the story because there is a LOT! If you see these users, please be cautious of them, especially if you are a minor!

[deckofcookiez]

The Alex Kister Situation

Alright; I've been more of a lurker on here for awhile, but for months now--almost a year--I've been a massive fan of the Mandela Catalogue, and this fandom has been a major form of escapism and safety for me. So, I feel the need to say something about the current situation.

To start, I'm putting a link to the document with all of the information about what happened, as it's important to read it and learn about this whole situation in depth:

With that out of the way, I just wanted to share my own personal opinion; personally, Mandela Catalogue has legitimately become my special interest. I have pretty much obsessed over it ever since I first found it, and everything I've written or drawn since then has been to do with it. It's been very important to me, especially due to the community here on tumblr, as this fandom is probably the most supportive and open places on the internet I've found. I feel a lot more connected because of it, and it made me feel comfortable and safe.

I was in a bad mental space today, and when I found out about this, I had a pretty bad breakdown--some might call it an overreaction, but you don't know just how dependent my mental health had become on this series and fandom. (I will be working on avoiding this habit in the future, as it isn't healthy to depend so heavily on one interest)

After reading through the document, and just seeing so many opinions and contributions from others, I am almost certain that these allegations are true. But I always, always listen to all perspectives before making judgement, so I will not be going full "I hate Alex, he's a despicable person!!" before Alex gives his own point of view.

That being said, I do believe Alex has serious issues that he needs to get handled. I am hesitant to call this pedophilia, as from what I've gathered, he didn't seem to have active malicious intent towards minors(correct me if I missed something that said otherwise)--rather, I get the impression that Alex simply doesn't understand boundaries, and genuinely saw his fans as mutuals. He seems to be a person who's manipulative--whether intentionally or not--and his personal relationships, platonic, romantic, or sexual, turn very toxic because of this. So, trying to have personal relationships with fans, people who look up to him and see him in a very different light, results in inevitable toxicity as well.

I get the sense that Alex simply is a young person, struggling with mental health and gender dysphoria, who was thrust into extreme popularity very suddenly, and doesn't have the maturity level to handle it properly. Overall, I do not support him, if he continues to act like this--if he makes genuine, real efforts to deal with his mental health and his unhealthy behaviours, I would respect him for that. I wouldn't look at him quite the same, but as long as someone makes genuine efforts to better themself after doing something wrong, I appreciate and respect that, and may eventually give forgiveness. But, if he doesn't make those efforts, if he continues his patterns and refuses to try and get better, then that is on him and at that point I have lost any and all respect for him. At that point, you are not a good or reasonable person, in my eyes.

Regardless of how things go with Alex himself, though, I want to say...

You do not have to support a creator to enjoy their work!!

I am a huge fan of Danny Phantom, and that show's creator is a genuine piece of shit. Like, a truly despicable human being. That fandom successfully has, just... completely ripped the show and characters from their creator. They have cut him out entirely, nothing he says holds any impact or meaning to them and it hasn't for years. He's seriously fallen off. And it's still a fun, active fandom! The people in there are super neat!!

And, hell, look at the whole mess with J. K. Rowling!! She is an absolutely disgusting person. But so many people grew up with Harry Potter, and still like her stories, without actively supporting her--lots of creators turn out to be really awful people, but that doesn't mean that what they made is automatically awful as well. They still have some kind of creative ability, that happened to produce something that garnered a significant amount of attention.

We don't need Alex to still enjoy the concept, characters, and overall story he's created. We can still make fanworks, still appreciate what it is that drew us to the series in the first place.

Honestly, out of everything that the fallout of this would bring, I was most terrified of the fandom itself dying, as that is what truly matters the most to me. This place, these people are so important to me, and I am so scared of this community falling apart. I've already seen plenty of people stating that they will no longer be associating with TMC, and are just completely distancing themselves from it. It feels like things are already dying and disappearing and it really, really fucking hurts.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that... if that is your choice, if you truly do not want to associate with TMC anymore whatsoever, then I don't blame you for it. I understand if you can't look at the series the same way after this, and I respect that choice.

But you don't have to, if it still means anything to you. Fandoms are more than just their creators--they're the community that has been built around the work, and this community is possibly the best one I've ever been in. I don't want to see it die. So, just know, that you can still love this fandom, this story, these characters, without supporting Alex. You can still draw the characters, make OCs, write fanfiction, etc. He won't get money from that--only from directly watching his content or buying his merch.

Finally, I'd like to say to go support the victims. They didn't deserve this--no matter what Alex's intentions were. Please support them, and regardless of how this turns out, do not continue actively supporting Alex Kister. I am sure that, whatever his intentions were, he did still harm people and that is not okay.

Also, this is all just my own opinion, based on what I know; I was not in the discord, I don't have Twitter, I don't personally know anyone involved and I have not seen everything regarding the situation as a whole. I simply felt I should state my current opinion, as I'm seeing a lot of people freaking out and spiraling and just leaving the fandom entirely. I wanted to remind people that it's okay to still enjoy this fandom and be a part of it, without Alex. My opinion may change some with new information I find, but overall, I am of the opinion that Alex should not be supported, while the Mandela Catalogue itself can be separated from him and still be enjoyed and appreciated.

And, whatever happens... Adam Murray, Jonah Marshall and Thatcher Davis are officially honorary characters in my stash of little guys. If he's not fit to keep them then they will become my creative outlet instead (and others who love them, obviously). They're very special characters to me, I can't express just how many things I have written and drawn to do with them, and I refuse to give them up.

(another addition, regarding the apparent 'alter egos' Alex apparently had: Possibly consider DID? I know a lot of people with DID will often mistake it for other things, including simply being gender non-conforming, when in actuality they really have alters that just identify differently. Not diagnosing, I don't know enough about him to make any real claims--it was just a thought.)

[antimony-medusa]

I read your post on boundaries and the MCYT community recently and have been thinking about as posts that contradict it cross my dash, and I’ve been reflecting on how a lot of what we call “boundaries” are more just like. Community rules? Like take “no sexualization,” for instance. If I’m talking to someone at my workplace, I am not comfortable with them making sexual remarks about me. If someone did, I would tell them so, and not engage in that conversation with them. That’s an actual boundary — something governing how people interact with ME that I am in charge of enforcing. I don’t say “no one is allowed to think anything sexual about me at work ever or tell their friends I’m hot” bc that’s just insane and none of my business, quite frankly. Streamers are well within their rights to say they aren’t comfortable seeing people sexualizing them in their chat or like very publicly on Twitter, but saying no one can sexualize them ever is actually just a community rule, not a personal boundary. Based on how I understand what a boundary is, it can’t be boundary breaking to do something that a creator definitely will not see, because the creator isn’t interacting with the content, and boundaries are about governing comfort in interactions. And saying “I don’t want there to be sexualization or sexual content about me in the main tags bc my main audience is children who browse those tags and they shouldn’t be exposed to that” is a reasonable enough rule to ask your community to follow, but it’s just straight up not a boundary? Like am I misunderstanding what a boundary is? I’m confused bc I’m seeing all this stuff about boundary breaking content and how it’s disgusting even if the creator will never see it and I just don’t get it?

Yeah, I think this is a situation where we're using words to mean something they don't technically mean (see also, "lore"), and then this leads to us also having community arguments about what is acceptable, and it's all totally unnecessary.

Cause the workplace comparison is a good one! If I was telling fellow coworkers how hot they were when they'd said they didn't want to hear that, or walking up to the barista and saying that I wanted them to weigh in on the porn I'd written about them, that would be workplace sexual harrasment and, depending on the severity of the situation, literally a crime I could be charged with. Absolutely inappropriate to do, and I can't express how extremely fair it is that streamers get to say no to that. I am FULLY in support of CCs setting those limits for their spaces and think it's healthy and we all need to respect that.

But "boundaries", as a term, is technically about controlling your own behaviour and people's access to you. You set a boundary and say to your parents "if you bring up grandkids at the christmas meal I will be leaving", or "if you mention [latest discourse] on my blog I will block you". It's about controlling your experiences via your own behaviour and the stuff that you actually see. CC equivalent is saying that any sexualization or shipping in their chats or replies will lead to a block or a ban. That's them controlling their own experience and that's A-ok. Asking a CC to weigh in on what sort of fan work they're comfortable being shown, that's also about them controlling their own experience and is totally fair.

Asking a CC to weigh in on what sort of fan work exists in general— that's not boundaries any more, that's something else entirely. The closest equivilent is companies trying to control what sort of materiel their image or trademarked material show up in, I think? Which is a thing you can do when you're licensing your image, but isn't actually a thing you can do with fan works. Celebrities get to say no they're not going to appear in a commercial advertising an oil company, because they have a moral disagreement with oil companies, but that's because the interaction there is a company offering to pay them money for their image and them declining the money. That's not how fan works operate. The celebrity isn't in a position to decline the money for their "image" being used, because no money is being offered, because the fan isn't making money. It's not a copyright/licensing situation, it's fan works. The celebrity shouldn't be part of the conversation at all, because they should never see that.

And like, there's issues of impersonation or endorsement where it's bad form to do something that looks like it comes from the celebrity, as though they approve of what is being depicted, which is why AI voice lines and deepfakes are being increasingly spoken out against. But man, someone writing Captain Puffy's and PearlescentMoon's cubitos kissing each other on Ao3 and keeping it on Ao3 is not a situation where celebrity endorsement or licensing or impersonation comes in at all. That's a conversation totally within the fandom, without the creators involved. And I really disagree with asking the creator to treat all of fandom like their community, which they should moderate and like, control their image and make kids-and-advertiser-friendly, because that's not how fandom works and also that is unfair to ask of them.

Can one or both of the creators say they don't want to see that? Totally fair. That's a boundary. Can they say that it shouldn't exist in their main tag that kids check? I'm on the side of tagging things to keep them away from minors and people who don't want to see it anyways, rock on. That's a community rule. Can they say that it should never exist ever, anywhere on the internet? That's just not how this works. A) that's not how fan works have ever worked, fan works are for transforming and celebrating existing canon, not for creator approval, and we should stop shoving all of them in creators' faces or asking them to weigh in, B) "boundaries" is entirely the wrong word for what's going on there, like you said. Cause is the mere existence of a thing in a seperate space infriging on the creator's experience and reasonable for them to control? That's what a boundary is, this isn't. C) This isn't even community rules that it makes sense for them to moderate! When you are talking about an entirely different space, cut off from the CCs, doing their own thing to the characters, with age barriers and trigger warnings built in, "boundaries" isn't the right term, but also this doesn't make sense as a space that we're inviting creators into to moderate. This is a seperate space, and stories or art in it aren't hurting people, even if the cc's wouldn't want to see that or even want them in their main community tabs. So yeah when it comes to us enforcing our own community rules, keeping creator boundaries and community rules in mind, the mere existence of a thing does not seem to me like the end of the world. A lot of people have come out and said that all our work needs to be sqeaky clean and able to be shown in the creator's chat, as though the creator is moderating the space and their personal boundaries are involved. And (listing things yet again, this is a post of lists), first of all there's a real focus on sexualization in that case and never on things like family dynamic or kidfic or gore or whump that could also make creators uncomfortable if it was shoved in their faces. (But somehow when anyone brings up those "boundaries" everyone comes to the conclusion that something entirely off on the internet somewhere and never shown to the creators is not going to harm them. Curious.) And second of all, I just disagree that that's a good way to run a fandom community. This is a space for fans, not for the creators, bringing up the "weird stuff" publically to creators is incredibly cruel to people who shouldn't have to see that, AND it's a bad atmosphere for creativity to always want the creators to approve things, fandom is for saying "fuck the man" and doing your own thing. Just tag it to keep it away from people who don't want to see it, and filter the tags for your own experience. Keep everything in its own space and you're good. There's tons of stuff in the fandom that isn't to my taste, ranging from characters that just don't do it for me to tropes that are active turn offs to people writing and undertagging things in ways that is concerning to me. We have got to learn to say "that's not for me" and "that's not for the cc" and put it away (block if you have to) and move on.

[kaieraai]

I wish that I wasn't as angry as I often am.

When I was really small, I remember telling my teachers "I've got a temper, just like my dad." My dad was prone to yelling, and I learned early that people who had power over me would often force me to sit still while they yelled, berated, or otherwise scolded me, and that this behaviour had very little to do with my performance, and much to do with their own lack of patience, or personal coping skills.

I'd often unfocus my eyes, which annoyed them more, because I wasn't "listening". Their treatment made me distrust and even truly dislike adults, and even once I was an adult myself, I found myself easily intimidated by those older than me. Age was synonymous with power for a long time, and it is still a pre-programmed response from me I struggle to remove myself from.

But there is anger in my heart, there is anger in my mind, in my body, my nervous system responds to most negative stimulus with anger first, and then sorrow second. Maybe it's hereditary, maybe its the poison in my food, slowly shrinking the part of my brain that can regulate emotions and produce empathy. Maybe theres no reason other than me, somehow failing to have the coping skills that would help soothe my rage, that would keep me grounded in the first place. But the fact is, I am angry.

I am angry at the government, I am angry at all the people who voted for this. I am angry at the people who don't swerve for animals in the road. I am angry at my shitty co-workers who can't be decent. I am angry that the work I do and the time I spend are not enough to buy a house, to survive a medical leave of absence. I am angry that helping my husband find gender affirming care is getting harder. I am angry at the people on facebook who try to tell me that I am somehow the problem, not their ignorance or their hate. I am angry as all hell and I want to rage.

I am angry at the people who tell me my rage invalidates me, probably most of all.

Because when I ask politely for all the injustices of the world to end, they don't.

So, what I have learned, is that it doesn't matter if the message is polite. It doesn't matter if the message is eloquent. It doesn't matter if the message is loud and clear. There will be people who cannot understand it, and will not hear it. It doesn't matter how hard you try to be understood, because just like me, tuning out the adults who scolded me as a kid, someone will just unfocus their eyes and ignore you. But also, just like me, it means the message wasn't actually for them. Their anger wasn't for me. My anger can't be understood by those who refuse to listen. I can save myself the energy of trying to share genuine fears and disgust with those who lack the empathy to recieve my message.

The right people will be listening. Its worth speaking truth and hope for the right people. Its worth finding those people with your voice, and its worth it because that is how we create communities.

Keep speaking up, and don't worry if you're soft. Don't worry if you're calm. Its okay if you're angry. There's a lot to be mad about. The right people can validate you. They can help soften your voice, or make it bolder, more eloquent, more measured.

Take a moment to consider who you should be speaking to, but please, keep speaking.

[gartenofbanny]

Hello! I am currently trying to make a document including all evidence of Viv's problematic behaviour, and since you're quite popular in the critical community, I wanted to ask your opinion on the structure of it. If I missed anything feel free to correct me!

Vivziepop is a horrible person

I-early signs

-Nazi sausage party ocs (inspred by doctor Mengele, following a nazi blog

-drawing Kesha and glorifying her illness

-Zoophobia (contains the Addison drawings, Mirage being depicted as goofy when she's a pedo, Sahara and Latika designs

-supporting blaire white and Shoe0nhead (her too since Shoe has recently been revealed as a neo nazi)

-transphobia (discord messages)

-drawing Mimzi as a caricature/stereotype of Jewish people

II-Spindlehorse & twitter

-Raphielle shipping valangel, saying their a proshipper and still working on SH

-Following multiple proshippers, including someone who used audios of REAL kids for his digital CP and someone who actively ships Rick/Morty

-allowing and encouraging the harrasment of people who critique her shows to the point they are forced to come out or receive rape threats

-Blaming A24 for the lack of competent advertisement on Hazbin Hotel and replacing the voice cast

-encouraging harassing Erin Frost and Kendraw for coming out with their experience with her

-Studio reviews revealing the nepotism and abuse in the SH studio

III- The shows

-finn/ cole was made cis when he was originally trans

-sally mae only regarded by the fandom as a trap or futa, sexualised in every piece of her merch with her dick being emphasized to the point the fandom fetishizes her

-alastor being made creole or mixed as an afterthought, when Viv had already used real life voodoo symbols, very clearly inspiring alastor from Wendigos without any research, made him white as paper and depicted him as the 100th " asexual and aromantic person is an evil murderer!".

His asexuality and possible aromanticism is always ignored by the fandom in favor of shipping, and inclusive Vivziepop even said to do as they pleased with his sexuality for shipping.

-forced positivity, pushing the idea that even murderers, abusers and horrible people can change hazbin hotel

Depicting abuse (Crimson hitting Moxxie, the whole Valangel tag existing) and sexual assault (again woth Moxxie and angel) as funny jokes or sexy

-Noticing a pattern, Viv tends to promote M/M relationships a lot but depicts them as overtly sexual, predatory and toxic, and seems to have a problem with having "twink" characters abused sexually in a yaoi-ish way (Addison, Moxxie and Angel, Vox. Stolas/blitz too.)

-the only two people of color that are confirmed are Alastor, Velvette and Valentino. Velvette's color is very ashy and she is often infantilised (this might have more to do with her being a woman in Vivs eyes) she presents no POC features at all, neither does Valentino who is a stereotypical black man who is a pimp, abusive (sexually too) and has a short temper.

-using "it's hell " as an excuse to make horrible characters to glorify and depict as the true victim while doing nothing to become better. (Ex. Stolas is a rapist , Blitzo Sexually harrasses his co-workers and is very toxic, Alastor is a serial killer.) Depiction is not glorification, but Viv actively makes it seem like all of it is okay to do and has a show who has a very negative message that affects the viewers and fanbase into excusing disgusting shit.

-disrespecting religion by not accurately researching the demons she talks about

-Sexist writing in helluva and hazbin that favores males(Loona,Millie,Stella, Verosika)

-ableist language by Blitzo, refusal to acknowledge this and even joking about not being able to say a slur

-collaborates with Brandon Rogers,whose work is clearly sexist,racist,homophobic and ableist

-making fun of eating disorders (Moxxie)

-involving kesha in her show while she is trying to get justice for being abused and trying to recover, making the character she voices based on all the things she hated about herself

-included famous voice actors, pays thousands for them but actively underpaid and overworked her staff

-No trigger on an episode that contained Blitzo vomiting

-Barbie wire grooming a teenager is considered a joke (and the tweet doesn't count, we should be able to tell if the teen was actually older by his design or any line of dialogue, if those who don't have twitter won't know it means it's a problem)

-various incest jokes hinting at proshipping (Moxxie/Millie, and a rumor +dialogue cues hint at Andrealphus and Stella being in a relashionship)

-merch of almost all female characters being somewhat sexual

-depicting the Woman/Man as the only healthy relationship (Moxxie/Millie) while the queer couples are toxic (Chaz/Moxxie Blitzo/Stolas)

Holy shit that's a long read, I suggest you make that into a blog post or something. The only portion I can assume that you got correct is the third section. Most of the first two sections are spot on to me, but I am not sure if they're both completely correct because I'm not really aware of what Vivziepop did in the past, just what she has been doing since like last year. Sorry to disappoint, but it is pretty great from what I'm reading.

Modify it to what you think is best so that people will read from it and test read it yourself in case you got something wrong. I suggest you use Grammarly for grammar or spelling issues because even though English is my first language I still struggle with those

[eresia-catara]

So, not trying to assume that Dante wasn’t straight but were he and Guido more than pals?? 😭

Diversity win! Your failed-friar poet and heretical philosopher are tangled in a tragic bromance!

but really, look. look. none of us here is assuming anything okay? but. none of us here is saying he was straight either alright? We can speculate both ways, considering the great margin of interpretation that sources leave us, but this is tumblr dot com no one wants to hear why Dante could be straight, so here is why he could not be (based on the philological and critical skills of someone who has NO authority + lots of essays I've read),,, under the cut.

I personally think it wouldn't be an unfathomable interpretation, seeing as there are elements that point to that; but I prefer to proceed with order, so let's first analyse Dante and Guido individually, and then together (otherwise my speech becomes a confusing ramble).

So, if we want to focus on what Dante ALONE tells us about his sexuality, we don't have many solid arguments. In general, the topic arises through his Comedy:

as we know, he put sodomites in Hell (Inf. XV-XVI). In it, we find three politicians (XVI), whom he speaks to with the formal voi (in english it's a plural you), instead of tu (singular you) which is informal and in Hell is used to basically look down on the damned; furthermore, this act of respect is strongly enouraged by Virgil before he speaks to them, and Dante expressedly says that, if it hadn't been for the raining fire, he would've gotten closer to them to hug them. So we can see that there isn't the usual disgust or harshness. This voi is also used for Brunetto Latini (XV), his teacher from youth, whom we know for certainty was a sodomite (thanks to a sonnet Latini wrote). The two have an affectionate conversation and Dante shows to profoundly respect the man. About this behaviour, Boccaccio, in his commentary on the Comedy, writes that since Dante showed compassion towards those sins of which he himself felt guilty of, perhaps he was a sodomite too. Now, I am not usually inclined to believe Boccaccio when talking about facts, but this does seem at least reasonable.

what people often ignore is that Dante put sodomites in Purgatory too. And what is more astonishing, is that he puts them right before the garden of Eden (instead of towards the bottom, seeing as Purgatorio is the mirrored version of Inferno), together with heterosexuals. Basically, the sin becomes not sodomy, but lust. This implies that he saw sodomy as 1) a forgivable sin (not an obvious statement, considering the changing society at the time) and 2) just as serious as heterosexual lust. However, there is a contradiction with Inferno, where they are distinct and sodomy is a lot worse that heterosexual lust (the former, as I've said, is found in the canti XV-XVI, the latter in canto V). This could be explained through the fact that homosexuality implies a sin against nature, which the other one doesn't have, but then we circle back to Purgatory, where they should be put further down as they have technically sinned more. Things don't add up, and when things don't add up, especially with Dante who was obsessed with symmetries and symbology, it has to make us raise our eyebrows. Who knows what little theological game he played in his mind to get to this conclusion? But more so, why did he play in the first place?

From the social point of view, Dante was more traditional, which at the time meant being more accepting of homosexuality; in fact, it is towards the XIVth century that judges start burning sodomites at the stake, pressured by the burgeoisie which Dante despised, while before they usually only imposed a fine, and Florence in particular was more tolerant than the rest of Italy.

Now, with Guido things are different. We have objectively less material to work with, but what we have is less vague. First of all, Dino Compagni (politician, poet, writer, collegue of Guido inside the Commune for a while) in his Chronica tells us Corso Donati had given him a nickname, 'cavicchia', which can be interpreted as 'passive sodomite'. But sure, Corso was his number one enemy, of course he'd say that. Okay, but his wife's brother says the same, in a different way. Guido basically writes a poem about a shepherdess having sex with him and his brother in-law slips in and goes 'Look. just admit it was a guy. I talked to a guy who confirmed this.' But let's be picky and say he was joking. it's just satyre between family members. Okay. But then there's this correspondence with Guido Orlandi (a friend) in which they debate about a statement our Guido had made in a poem, with which Orlandi did not agree, and they insult each other. A critic once suggested there was a double meaning to the correspondence, because the terms used and the phrasing suggested a second layer of interpretation, that is, one in which Orlandi, among the many things, accuses Guido of being....a passive sodomite! Or...a bisexual man! (bi win!). If I remember correctly (forgive me I cannot check the exact words right now), he said something along the lines of 'when you can't get the ladies you turn to the men' or 'when you can't get the young men, you turn to the older ones', it depends on the interpretation, but anyway the preference for a passive role was in both. Yes, you could argue he was in need of insults, he made them up merely to be offensive! But the same insult from three different men, with three different relationships with Guido? Finally, going back to his shepherdess poem, he DID write that it was the shepherdess who led him under the tree, when usually it is the man! And mind you, this type of poem has a vast tradition in provencal poetry, there was a clear code to follow that Guido knew perfectly...and decided to ignore. And if we consider him an atheist and nobleman, he didn't even have religious or social motives to be against sodomy. Heck, he probably didn't giva a fuck.

So let's consider the final question: were Guido and Dante more than pals for life? It seems that Dante spent his 20s and 30s among queer men, in a notoriously queer space that is the literary field. It seems that the two most important figures in his life, two teachers, were not so straight, just like...who? Virgil? Dante knew Virgil's Bucolics full well, he knew Virgil was not straight. So is it a coincidence that we can make extensive parallelisms not only between Virgil and Guido, but also between Virgil, Guido and Brunetto Latini? All three of them teachers, poets, deeply admired and respected by Dante, none of them are judged, they were all benevolent towards him, all queer (specifically, two out of three are certainly queer). Dante himself says most of the damned in the circle of sodomites were clergymen and intellectuals. As I have said, there are no coincidences with Dante, that little freak calculated everything (I say this with affection). And if we shift towards Guido's perspective, the sonnet addressed to Dante 'I vegno il giorno a te infinite volte reads like a true break up poem. Guido says 'I come to you [Dante] infinite times a day but in a way that you can't see me', a.k.a. 'I think of you constantly even if you don't know it'. I mean. you can't really deny much with this statement. An important critic tried to interpret it as the god Love talking to Dante, but another respected critic accused a contradiction in the resulting meaning of the poem, with which I tend to agree (I will not dive into it because this post is already long), so the only redeeming hypothesis falls.

In the end we don't have exactly concrete proofs, but at the same time the fact that there are all these details, all these arguments that are coherent with each other, mathematically speaking, make it probable that not only this is a real, concrete question, but also that it could be the truth. Alas, we would still need more informations which we will likely not have :0

Hope this post helped! At the end of the day, no one can stop you from making love win on tumblr dot com 🌈

[chaifootsteps]

I am no prophet, but i have the feeling that Vivzie's downfall will happen because someone who was close to her (maybe Ashley) will tell us, with proof and everything, that she did something so jaw-droping and horrible that even people in the critical community didnt know about, and even her most faithful fans will simply stop wanting to support her on the spot.

I have seen a LOT of cases where beloved internet micro-celebrities do bad things for years (like saying bigoted things, using their fans to attack other, etc) and they are still liked and supported cuz people quickly forget those things happen or consume their product cuz they "separate the art from the artist", but when some ex-friend or family member confesses that they did something terrible, thats when people stop tolerating their behaviour and just reconise they were never a good person, and their carer ends right there.

I think something similar might happen to Vivz.

I hope she never hurted someone in an irreparable and life-ruining way, but i cant help but think that her behavior online is the one of someone who is bad in the internet, and way worse in real life; the way she throws tantrums when not everyone praises her and her art, the way she is clearly obsessed with the idea of everyone loving her, the fact that she never speaks up when her fans are being horrible human beings at those who dislike her and she inderecly encourages that... is very scary.

The Evilest thing i can imagine her doing is having masive beef with some poor soul for a stupid reason, stalking them and trying to ruin their life, maybe by trying to blacklist them in the industry (remember the "i can ruin her") but i dont know her personally, she could be way worse than that and i wouldnt have a way to know.

We already know she is manipulative and obsesive, but what more? That woman is a total mystery.

I really hope that doesnt happen, that the things that gets revealed are just confirmations of what we already know about her (like the work abuse, transphobia, not paying her workers etc) so everyone will know and fans cant say that is "made up" anymore, but God, her story reminds me SO much of internet celebrities who turned up to be stalkers, abusers or even criminals!

She reminds me of Squizy, who got away with saying the N-word, drawing porn of minors and other bad things for years, but her fame ended when her ex-boyfriend spoke out about how she abused him.

Maybe its just me being a traumatized weirdo who grew up watching her favourite internet personalities turned up to be disgusting human beings, but i gotta say im scared of Vivziepop ngl.

I have a weird hunch that that's what it might turn out to be too, something completely out of left field. We know that this woman made a pilot and left an absurdly massive trail snail of angry, embittered people in her wake. I can't even imagine how many she's managed to piss off since then, what she's saying and doing behind the scenes that we still don't know about.

One thing's for sure -- it's very, very hard to keep scandalous secrets in 2023. You can get away with it for a while, but not forever.

[flwoie]

please read!!

helloo. i don't announce stuff like this because 1. i keep my words to myself and 2. the majority of my audience are engenes. however i just want to say that i no longer want to write for enhypen (after almost two years of writing for them wowzer). i have no hate against the group itself but i've only been a casual listener of kpop and the only groups ive been keeping up with are my ults (loona, svt, and &team) so im not following enhypen content lately and i don't know what their current personalities are like so i'm writing with what i remember.

however, it's mainly due to the community. ever since joining enhablr, despite all the nice people ive seen with, most of it was just filled with drama and it was just a toxic environment. although i was never involved in situations that happened, i see others getting involved when they haven't done anything wrong and it always pained me to see them go through that. i hate having to bring these situations up, but since last year, i've seen stuff like sexualizing idols and minors, doxxing minors as well, hating on others because of their age, encouraging racism, and a lot more deep stuff. stuff like this still surface on the community and it just disgusts me.

you might be wondering why i can't just keep writing for them but not interact, and that's impossible for me since tumblr is all about interacting with others as a writer (meaning talking to readers, supporting other writers, etc etc). in other terms, i'd have to include myself in the community either way which is the last thing i want.

plus staying longer in a community like this killed my excitement and motivation to write for them because what was the point in satisfying them when I couldn't get the same feeling in return. call me petty, selfish, or whatever horrible things you can say about me, i don't care and i will never apologize for speaking the truth. you have ruined the happiness of not only me, but for writers and readers in this community.

i am not discussing this for myself, or to cause some sort of dramatic leave, but im doing this for the ones who are afraid to speak about this issue and for the ones who are not aware. and before someone calls me out and says i'm a part of the toxic side of enhablr, i have never once started drama or been involved in one and most of the time i was inactive or went on other sides of tumblr (because if you haven't noticed, the last time i wrote for enhypen was back in december, excluding love in disguise).

if you feel offended by my words, maybe it's cause you're the one who's engaging in the toxicity, so feel free to block me or unmoot me, i don't tolerate this behaviour on my blog. i'm not saying ALL parts of enhablr is toxic but if you want to make a community be seen in a good light, start by being aware of what your peers like and dislike and put consideration into how they feel, because at the end of the day, we're all just imperfect humans living life. so please, learn how to be a better person for yourself and others.

after i finish love in disguise, it will be the last time i'll ever be seen in and want to see enhablr.

[eww-y-tho]

A Ben Rant

[it get's real, sorry. also spoilers for the entire show so far.]

The reason I really can't understand Ben apologists is because, like Nick, I don't care about his issues. I am a raging bisexual in the throes of living with a very homophobic dad and a constant fear of being outed to him by my mother, and I wouldn't stoop to Ben's level in any way.

His behaviour is simply unjustifiable. That's why I love Darcy, she is also in a bleak situation, but tries to live her life authentically and without being a trash human being. A true foil so people can understand that perspective.

Truth is, just because Ben was in a bad environment doesn't mean that he has the justification to be a horrible person who abused Charlie. And let us not beat around the bush here, he sexually assaulted him. To be frank, the correct course of action would be a restaining order, being exposed for his crimes, a spot on his criminal record, and either serving some time (6 months-a year) or an astronomical amount of community service.

Sorry, you should have those consequences for your actions. It honestly gets me angry that Nick and Charlie didn't press charges and at least try to get him off that campus. I get it, they're young and really nice kids, but it's really sad that an acknowledged criminal walked off scot-free.

And honestly, when placed in that perspective, Ben's "apology" is even more insulting. That was just a last attempt at getting Charlie back, which is gross.

This hits too close to home in the form of my sister who went through a similar situation to Charlie. She has her Nick now, don't worry lol. I'm rewatching Heartstopper with her and I could tell it affected her.

When you or someone close to you has experienced a similar thing, I feel like it's easier to put it in perspective. But honestly, Ben shouldn't be given any sympathy whatsoever. He is a villain to his bones. And let's not even go into the mess that was Ben and Imogen.

Actually, let's do exactly that.

Imogen is proof that Ben did not learn his lesson and is just a sucky human being. He straight up used Imogen just to make Nick angry and rub it in his face. Imagine knowing the person who assaulted your boyfriend is dating one of your best friends. It's just gross.

And Ben's only motivations were his petty jealousy that Nick is a better boyfriend for Charlie than he ever was and that he wanted the control he had over Charlie back, as was pointed out by Nick and Charlie multiple times.

And let us also not forget that Ben is so far in his delusional mindset that he doesn't even recognize what he did wrong. A half-assed "I'm sorry, for everything," doesn't acknowledge what he did. How about you actually list everything you know you did wrong and apologize for every single one of them? That would show actual remorse.

That indicates that the only reason he's saying those things was to get Charlie in his good graces, not actually stating his remorse for those actions.

And I'm glad Charlie did not forgive him. It was a very powerful scene that went against the grain in similar plotlines where the perpetrator is forgiven for their deplorable actions.

Ben just wanted to have someone as his personal marionette, if that makes sense, and it really grosses me out, which is why people who defend Ben make me angry. You're defending a disgusting human being who deserved everything that came to him.

In the end, he pushed everyone around him away and he will continue to do so, and either learn to be better (which I find unlikely, based on the rainbow wave), or die alone.

This sentiment has been talked about a lot before, so I'm not expecting a revolutionary idea coming from this, but I just wanted to get this off my chest because I saw comments defending Ben and I wanted to rant for a second.

[loverboy-cc]

TWs: Talk of pedophillia, child abuse, and my frustration with the internet, purity culture, and stigma.

Please do me a favour also, and read the post to the end before saying anything to me about it. For our mutual sanity.

I am going to combust if I see another kill all pedophiles post.

Pedophile is a diagnosis that requires you to experience significant distress about your attraction. Or to have actively found a child desirable and acted on that desire. (The latter is extremely likely to be a minority but due to the stigma few are willing to voluntarily come forward to be studied)

If you think it is okay to find fictional minors attractive, but do not have interest in them irl, (ie people who consume loli/sho) you would not classify as a pedophile.

Assaulting a child you do not find attractive does not make someone a pedophile, it makes them an abuser.

Alas, purity culture has once again moved the focus away from the actual abusers and onto predominantly innocent people who genuinely do not want to harm anyone.

If you’re queer or poc or mentally ill or marginalized in any way that should sound horribly familiar.

Please for the love of god, if you’re someone who says all pedophiles deserve to die. Read the diagnostic criteria and if you still think that after you have, block me, please. Because at that point you are knowingly saying a lot of innocent people should die, as the actual abusers rarely turn out to be pedophiles.

Here, I’ll even save you the effort of finding it. This article cites the DSM directly and saves skimming the incredibly dense book that is the DSM

I can’t link it directly because that’s illegal but there’s a full copy of the DSM-5 if you search “DSM-5 Reddit” and use the top link. As of posting this the link works, if that changes let me know and I’ll update this accordingly.

Pages 697-700 for those interested in reading the full piece.

I’m not typically one to talk about my opinion of this in public because I know for a fact there’s going to be a mass of people who will do exactly what they’ve been trained by purity culture to do. React with outright disgust and horror without being willing to consider that they’ve been manipulated so that child abusers can continue to abuse children while their victims burn anyone who dares question them.

But I’m tired.

I have a lot of experience with heavily stigmatized disorders. I’m schizophrenic, autistic, and have SCPD. I’m also visibly queer + trans in a heavily conservative area. So the the idea that person with X disorder is a threat to children is very, very familiar.

I’m also a CSA victim, and it’s… Sad, watching other victims allow abusers to continue existing in the shadows while perpetuating the stigma that keeps said abusers hidden. I’m aware of my privilege as someone who is educated on the manner and as someone with the resources at my disposal along with the knowledge of how to take advantage of said resources.

I suppose that’s why I decided to actually write this out publicly. That way people who may not have otherwise known can educate themselves and form a stronger community that evicts actual abusers and not predominantly innocent people trying to recover from one of the most stigmatized disorders someone can have, or people with questionable taste in porn when more often than not said porn is harmless.

Here’s another article, this one talks in depth about whether or not fictional loli/sho nsfw actually encourages pedophillic behaviour and urges from a sociology perspective. With papers and stats to back up it’s points.

It also talks about whether or not loli/sho can even be considered pedophillic at all, along with the general impact of porn on sexual violence. It’s a very good and informative read if you have the time.

It ALSO acknowledges bias in the studies it cites, and how that makes the opinion drawn from the study less valuable.

Gods this is long, take a snack, and have the day you deserve /neutral

🍮🍪🍩🍎🍟

[theklonoafan]

These incidents doesn't need to be what Klonoa's legacy is.

You might've heard of a lot over the past few months. The big people being exposed as creeps, other people being exposed for creepy behaviour and disgusting motives. While they are usually bad that they are here in this first place, things like this are unfortunately gonna happen inevitably when there's a series that has a community, especially ones that are obscure. There will be more coming, there will be more that is still there but hidden. However, people outside of the community and possibly you will look at this and think that this is what the community is about. Toxic p3d0ph!l3s with the grasp in the community, people s*xual!sing a character and Psychopaths that want to take control of other people and do their bidding. Which would discourage people from looking into Klonoa in the first place and even become the joke in the internet along with stereotyping.

This shouldn't have to be what Klonoa's legacy is.

Although it is also inevitable. The built up legacy from the games, broken to pieces. Possibly leaving it with a dead franchise. This shouldn't be what Klonoa is going to be. People are behind incidents and the people should be blamed, rather than the community. Opinions of what Klonoa is shouldn't have to rely on a person, it should be what you loved about it instead of what a person did to it. Klonoa's legacy shouldn't die or be because of toxic behaviour, especially your thoughts on it. It should never become something you hate. Communities are like a tree and of course, there are bad apples. However, one bad apple doesn't that it is a bad tree. There are many good apples on a tree and so is a community. I'd implore you to favour the good people there instead of making the bad people be your thoughts on a community or a thing you liked. Promote what you liked about your interest, make art about what you liked about it, any form that shows that you love it so much. What I am saying is, don't let that incident be what Klonoa is... (This also applies to other communities as well.)

[findroleplay]

🦭 Hello! 19M looking for a MXM, long term, 🕊️, deep?, psychological?, yaoi, somewhat slow burn rp (50/50 nsfw + sfw). I have an rp completely ready including character descriptions, animanga fc’s and even backstories all of which are prepared for both our characters. I would like to try making the character descriptions and backstories detailed for once and I would like a partner who is willing to do my ideas and even suggest some of their own too.

I would like to do an rp where our characters have deep (and dark?) backstories/childhoods which are somewhat prominent in our characters. I am semi literate and I usually match the writing length of my partner (minimum of 3-4 sentences and a max of two paragraphs). I predominantly write in third person but I’m open to first person too. Please understand that l'm not always online or active and english isn’t my first language!

WARNING: this roleplay may contain themes of violence, abuse (ALL OF THE THEMES LISTED ARE NOT ROLEPLAYED BUT APART OF CHARACTER’S BACKSTORIES)

PS: My character is a dominant top despite being a femboy and I have animanga fc’s for both our characters.

Haruya (MC) is a male sex worker, immensely popular especially amongst the criminal communities for his feminine face and is a frequently hired by them. He is 19 but maintains a youthful appearance, which makes him look around 16. He’s a femboy yet his behaviour below surface level is far from your typical femboy. He’s tenacious and ‘caring’ but almost always has ulterior motives. He enjoys getting under people’s skin and is skilful at doing so. He may not seem it but he has a lot of defensive mechanisms. He’s obsessive due to trauma and tends to be over sexual.

Kenji (YC) is an 18 year old orphan with ties to the yakuza which run MC’s prostitution business. His family were killed and he was a runaway for a few years - often coming across bad people until he was taken in by the yakuza when he was a pre teen. He’s aloof, cold and can be a bit rough and aggressive when his buttons are pushed. He also has many defensive mechanisms and underlying issues when it comes to letting people in. He has a muscular physique and is short compared to majority of people apart from MC who is the same height as him - if not slightly taller.

We inevitably cross paths one day when YC’s cousin (not blood related) is dragged along to MC’s place of work for a confidential meeting. YC’s cousin orders MC to look after you whilst he goes off to do yakuza business. YC is disgusted by MC purely for his job and his over sexual nature.

DISCORD: yori7721

-

[dogwittaablog]

community note anon here. i didn’t insinuate to ‘know them so well’, my point was being from manitoba is not a write off for being a horrible human being. i pointed out that the way in which Steve was raised, socioeconomically, geographically, culturally, and family make up was very similar to my dads, and yet he and his friends are not like steve.

i moved away from manitoba for work but still keep close with all my friends from back home. i have never personally met nolan, or his dad or younger sister. i met his older sister once (at a friends graduation. very nice. literally just a hi, very pretty smile). but his mother several times and let me tell you that woman is a piece of work imo. a lot of people in town like her but i’ve never had a good experience at her store or seeing her around. my friends who have met her said she is a rude customer at their places of employment.

am i biased? hell yeah. there is a brand of “tough hockey mom” in manitoba that i do not fuck with. they make excuses for their sons behaviour, talk badly about their girlfriends and female friends, drink with the kids, and are so focused on the horrible

CP is openly conservative. no one is that family has ever hid how conservative they are. conservative where you live might be different from conservative here. Here, it’s anti immigration, anti social welfare/“govt handouts”, it’s anti tech or anything that impacts farmers, it’s anti urbanization or public transit. you guys keep talking about their daughters being progressive and our group chats are cackling. no, i’m not gonna air that laundry out because they were teens at the time and i believe everyone grows up. HOWEVER, if they decide to take nolan’s route then i’ll be more than happy to ask my hometown friends for specific stories.

for your last question was i shocked? ha. no.

the brendan liepsic group chat wasn’t even shocking my dude. most of the people i grew up with spoke that way. it’s not just the norm, it’s encouraged. my teachers used to make jokes WITH the boys. and the teacher would remind everyone that “so and so” was gonna be in the Chel one day and we’d all got to say we know him (none of the boys from my school made it. not one.)

almost every man from home that i am friends with/associate with/have dated, has played hockey. they all quit before 16 because of the culture. they loved the sport but realized they were hanging out with racist, misogynistic, homophobic, hateful, young boys who DIDNT WANT to change. they loved that people were disgusted by their behaviour. they loved that some girls thought they were bad boys for their behaviour. that egged them on. the 4 that i still speak with who stayed behind that and now work in hockey, are all the first to say how terrible the culture is. they do not want to be defined by that and have done so much work to try and undo the norms they accepted while playing.

tldr: only met older sister once, mom is a c u next tuesday, hockey celebrates misogyny.

(i wrote this on the bud to work so forgive the grammar and spelling errors i didn’t reread it)

.

[mythomaniac-freak]

I'm a mythomaniac freak

I think I am anyway. That's all I really know about myself. It hurts to not know more but these two concepts I can latch unto the most steadily, and use to explain why I exist why I do. I really don't like people- but I do! I do and I don't, its very hard. I have lots of friends, people I care about, and I know that ultimately every person on this planet and beyond is like them but a bit different. I have over 10! I just went back to count! I just can't seem to find *community* within this. I've tried, over and over again, but I ultimately can't find what I'm looking for. I am either made extremely uncomfortable and feel unsafe, or feel as though I am the one making others uncomfortable and unsafe. I like being a freak, there is fun to being part of the counter-culture which the mainstream finds disturbing: but within that I can't find my counter-culture, the freaks who I belong with. I thought I had before, I always think I do- but it always comes down to me realizing I don't feel right around these people, or feeling like they are worse off with me there. It feels like there is no place for me no matter how long I search for it, no matter how much I change, it always seems to stay the same. I don't think its loneliness, something adjacent to that. It sucks to be the freak of freaks; and I know there's many out there, I know I'm not alone in this, but that doesn't really help when I can't find the ones who fit me. Maybe I make it hard on myself, how I modify my behaviour for each person dramatically, how I snap between emotional states to best suit their context, how I desperately crave to understand them because they make me feels things that I think they feel, but I'm wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong always wrong I always misunderstand I can never understand them but my brain always thinks it does. And I know it's not true, on an intellectual level I know this isn't right, but it really does feel that even those 10+ hate something about me. With each and every one it feels like I can say the wrong thing and evoke disgust, make them question why they even speak to me. They've never indicated this but there's a coldness that I just can't escape sometimes, like I've failed them completely and would be better off disappearing. And I can try to hide this and pretend I'm working, I can seek to understand myself through trauma and the classifications of mental disorders, but I feel I am simply lost and trying so hard to find a light in the fog only to snuff each one out as I find it. For a blog no one should read I will entice you by saying I'll explain more of why I think this is the case later, but for now I want to explain the mythomaniac part; Its a bit of a joke but of all the mental disorders and problems I might have, I am most confident in this.

I decided on the term mythomania both because I love learning about ancient myth, religion, the way stories have been passed down, and because pathological lying sounds worse. But that is what I do, I do pathologically lie, to everyone around me and myself. Its frustrating, because sometimes I'll catch the words coming out of my mouth and apologize because what I just said wasn't true-other times it will take days, weeks, months, fucking years to figure it out. Its not on purpose, but there becomes a purpose once they fester long enough: once the concept becomes part of my identity I have to protect it, so new lies pop up over and over again to fill in the dots- and they're boring, I think that's why they work. They tend to be mundane, they're casual, normal, often poorly researched as I frantically google something I *should* know *should* be able to recognize means this isn't a true thing about me- but I think my issues with memory make it difficult to just snap out of it. I believe I have a series of memories that, when spoken aloud, create a narrative for my life which is mostly factual and accurate- but these memories are few and far between. Ever since moving away from the old hellhole they've remained so distant, and while I am fortunate enough that they aren't completely gone like I once worried about, they so easily blend in with anything else I might say about myself. Also throughout my life, I've been told over and over that I'm wrong and just not remembering things correctly-that I've forgotten something crucial, and despite my best attempts I am rarely able to feel satisfied in any of the four conclusions: 1. I have indeed forgotten 2. Both I and my enquirer have forgotten details together 3. I remember correctly and my enquirer has forgotten 4. My enquirer is lying Some people have lied to me in ways which make me consider it for even the most minor of discrepancies: it sounds paranoid because it is, but there is a utility in lying to someone about the most minor details, it makes them unsure of any part of their reality. And that is where I love now!

I mentioned those memories, I have no idea how true they are! They feel true, they feel true in ways others don't, but I can only rely on external evidence to validate them and that can only take me so far. And when I right now am so detached from them. Its not like I try to lie- I never do, I cannot once think of a time I intentionally lied to someone. I've considered it, I've considered going behind people's backs for purposes cruel or altruistic, but I really don't think I've ever gone through with it. Does that even matter when so much of what I do is automated? I can say over and over that I'm not trying to lie, but I don't try to say anything that I do-I will occasionally slow down and try to think through what I'm saying but so rarely does this happen that even now as I type I have paused only *twice* to consciously edit or add things: once to count roughly how many people I consider a friend, twice to add the paragraphs about being a freak of freaks and my friends hating me. But if all that I do and say and think and want is just stream of consciousness, if none of it is planned, does the lying being unplanned make it any different? I don't know how many people I've really hurt, hurt in ways they will remember and impact them forever: I am sorry, I don't know what I can do to fix it, I want to but I just don't know how. Just writing that it sounds like it means nothing, apologizing to no one because I hate myself. I do hate myself, I try to think I've gotten through it but I fucking haven't, I need to stop lying to myself but I can't get a hold on what is true and real. I don't know if I'll ever feel real, if I'll ever feel like a genuine person: that's another lie, often enough I do, but deep down I fear that this question always lingers to rise from my stomach and grab my throat, that when I reflect on everything that's ever happened to me I will always have to ask Was I lying? Was I making it up? Was this really how I felt? Did this even happen? And I don't think I'll ever know, I don't think life can be proven to you and even if it can be I don't know how to prove it.

So welcome to the beginning and end of my blog! I plan on posting more, probably mostly how I feel, I figure once I write those out these will be the endpoint. I don't want to delete any of this I think, even if I come to hate it later I want to look back and understand the times where I felt truly honest with myself. The times where, and say it with me folks, I was a mythomaniac-freak!

[kurt-4lifer]

PLEASE READ THIS!! IT'S WHY THIS POST IS PINNED

CONTENT WARNING!!!! Mention of pedophilia and non-con (non-consensual) graphic content

Currently, I have had a lot of NSFW CoD writing on my Tumblr fyp, i'm not complaining and I always check for MDNI and follow that rule VERY STRICTLY.

But that isn't what i'm talking about with these writings and things. I'm talking about the amount of NON-CON (Non-consensual) and PEDOPHILIA in these writings. I am addressing this because it is absolutely fucking disgusting. AND FOR MULTIPLE REASONS!!!

I'm all for being delusional, I am too, but that ends when people write about having an underage non-con with a 40 year old colonel or a 30 year old Lieutenant. I am utterly disgusted in this community for thinking that's okay to write or even THINK about. I know this isn't my normal content, but if you could please reblog because this is a major issue. This is romanticizing and normalising pedophilia and rape and it's grotesquely, genuinely, utterly fucking inexcuseable if you write it. Genuinely, this is an issue that should not be happening, and i'm disappointed as fuck in the CoD community for normalising this behaviour. As someone who has been sexually harassed this is fucking gruesome and I am not going to be here for it

And once again, I would appreciate if you boosted this in anyway possible - I know it's not my normal content and it may not be yours but please get this every where if you can. Thank you for your time and patience, truly <33