#I also took up psychology because I wanted to learn more about my illness and seeing this very same thing manifested in this fic

[sirgogington]

My Word Vomit Response on the Shelby Situation

Main Situation: Last week Wilbur Soot from Lovejoy was accused of having been abusive towards his ex girlfriend Shelby. Shelby is a live streamer and last week she did a livestream about the signs of knowing if you are in an abusive relationship. She never stated his name, but from details given people started assuming it was about Wilbur Soot. A few days later Wilbur confirmed that it was him in an apology tweet on his Twitter account. The abuse had to do with painful biting, and manipulation. 

    I want to start off by saying I do believe Shelby's story. I don't think Wilbur is innocent, but I do believe this situation isn't as black and white as people are claiming it to be. 

    Former fans after hearing the story started unfollowing Wilbur and Lovejoy and saying what a terrible man that Wilbur is, and vowing to never listen to or view any of his content ever again. He's not just a terrible man, he has to be evil too. I may be optimistic but I do think most people can change for the better if they truly want to. There are exceptions, but I truly believe that Wilbur can. The internet wants to just label him as evil and not give him any room to do that. The new thing is "guilty until proven innocent" and that's super harmful as I will go into in a different post. The way people are spreading hate in a us/them mentality is not a mature way of viewing/handling this situation and does more harm than good. Especially when it comes to death threats and doxing which have been received by both sides.

   Wilbur is someone who had a hard upbringing, and has brought up at different times his struggles with mental health. On screen or on stage you would never know this about him, because he has this mask of being confident, well spoken, and joyful. Through these details Wilbur has shared we know that touring took a lot out of him mentally and put him in a bad place, but that he was seeking therapy and is probably currently still seeing a therapist to try and get better. He's shared in the past that when he first blew up on the internet he used alcohol to cope because of how overwhelming it was that so many people were consuming his content. From Shelby's stream we also learned that his living space was dirty and unhygienic and that he would make excuses for it. The details for me paint the picture of a guy struggling badly with mental illness and having a hard time caring for himself and his home. Someone who can hardly take care of themselves should not have been in a relationship. This puts a lot on the other person.  It's different if he were stable and then then his mental health crashed in the middle of a longer relationship, but not if your too mentally ill to begin with. I do deeply feel sorry that Shelby had to experience that, as it truly shouldn't have happened. 

   I went to school for psychology and know quite a bit about different types of mental illnesses. I am by no means diagnosing Wilbur, but I do think he shows signs of someone with Boderline Personality Disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder is an emotional disregulation disorder characterized by unstable mood, behavior, and relationships. People with BPD self sabotage and will frequently end up pushing people away because they don't think they're good enough for them. (In this case maybe he wanted to act so bad so she would leave him, which is very unhealthy). People with BPD also go through depressive episodes and can act impulsively. Without therapy it is extremely hard to cope with this condition but with therapy you can make great strides in changing. I think like most mental illnesses you are aware of the fact you don't like the way you're acting you just have a hard time controlling it. For instance for me growing up with anxiety I knew most of my fears were completely irrational but that didn't stop them from overtaking my life and still feeling anxious. Wilbur has written some really deep lyrics on his new solo album Mammalian Sighing Reflex and I feel like it reflects that he doesn't like the way he is and feels guilty about those he's harmed through it. Maybe I'm giving this man too much credit, but like I said I do believe most people are capable of changing for the better. 

   Shelby stated she did the livestream as a way to help protect other victims of domestic violence and Wilbur Soot himself. He might still be dangerous to the public, it's really hard to know. I know after my own situation with being manipulated I was worried about the guy going after other younger women like he had with me. I didn't want anyone else have to be in that situation so I understand where Shelby is coming from. I also know that if the guy in my life had ever posted an apology, no matter how good it was, that I still wouldn't believe him and have a hard time forgiving him. Bold take but I think his apology was at least decent. Could it have been better, yeah, but could it have been a lot worse, also yes. In his apology he admits to being the person Shelby was talking about. He states that her feelings are valid, and that he wants people to hold him to higher accountability, and that he was sorry for any hurt he caused. Maybe he isnt, but it's hard to know. Wilbur stated in a livestream from last October 2023 that he was going to therapy the next day, because of this we can assume that Wilbur has been going to therapy at minimum since October. In that same livestream he states that he showers once a day when he's in his "big sad", and that he has rented places all over Brighton. He is at least hygienic in this regard, maybe moreso than he was before. It could be a red flag that Wilbur has lived all over Brighton due to possible evictions whether that be negligence or noise complaints from doing livestreams.

   We'll never know how other content creators truly feel about him except for the ones that made it obvious. Of course most content creators are going to jump on the bandwagon and agree that he's an evil man. If they don't then they'll lose their platform because of all the hate they'd get. I do believe some content creators will still hang out with Wilbur secretly or still even remain his friend. But we'll never know. 

   For the people who are posting different video evidences of Wilbur supposedly showing signs of being abusive in the past this is what is called confirmation bias. If you believe someone is abusive suddenly you can find details in the littlest things to confirm your thought process. A lot of the clips I've been seeing have been of normal everyday behavior or confirmed bits. I've seen people say that Wilbur must have bit down really hard to leave bruises. In some cases people bruise more easily than others. I know I have random bruises on my body from nothing. We can tell that what Wilbur did however was pretty painful due to have to use a safe word. Getting bitten usually hurts. I've been bitten by a 5 year old at work and can't imagine how it would feel to be bitten by a grown man who intentionally bit down hard.

This could be confirmation bias as well, but when looking at the lyrics in Mammalian Sighing Reflex and at the album art it seems to tell the story of a man (Wilbur) who really messed up in a relationship and is feeling the pain from that, and has a lot of regret due to knowing he was the cause of her pain. He poured so much of himself into the album it's like he's bleeding out in front of the audience with the amount of vulnerability.

Analyzing lyrics because why not, using lyrics from "Mammalian Sighing Reflex"

"I get so drunk I can barely see." If this album is related to his relationship with Shelby, which I think it probably is, then maybe he tried to cope with the relationship failing by using alcohol, or sabotaged the relationship through drinking.

"A lot of friends have left my life, escaping my tractor beam of woe" Having a mental illness can make it hard to maintain friendships. This could be because it makes you so self-focused on your problems, or that people get tired of hearing about your problems. If you constantly talk about how sad you are, some people are going to have a hard time dealing with that, or get burnt out from having to keep on cheering you up.

"Fuck my life, you cared when I was sick, no one ever gave a shit.....you fought this war one-sided and asked me what am I doing this for." These lyrics seem to speak about how in a past relationship (probably meaning with Shelby), that she cared that he was mentally ill/in a low point and wanted to help him get better. The fight to help him get better was one-sided due to Wilbur not helping to get himself better. If he would have helped her then they "could of stitched my mind together."

"Never been the one for romance, never thought that I'd get married. Never been the kind to give a shared life a second glance, selfish prose." In Shelby's livestream she talked about how her and Wilbur talked about the possibility of getting married and having kids until he backtracked and said that he wasn't that way and changed his mind.

The song "I Don't Think It Will Ever End" is how his mind seems to work in cycles. He'll be sad, because he feels sad he hides away for a bit, but then he feels silly for hiding himself so he forces himself to interact with people. But then when forcing himself to interact again he feels sad, which he says is not a good feeling when you're supposedly in a good phase. He says as self-sabotage he gets silly. Wilbur is known for telling a lot of jokes, and maybe this is a way he masks his true feelings. Also for Mammalian Sighing Reflex it says the songs were written by William Gold (his legal name) and performed by Wilbur Soot (his stage name). Wilbur is who the internet/fans see him as and William Gold is who he really is. Meaning the way we see him online is the extroverted, charismatic, likeable guy we know him as whereas William Gold is introverted, self-sabotaging, nerdy, and a deep thinker.

     The internet gives us way too much information. We're constantly bombarded with more and more information. Before the internet and even in the earlier internet days you did not have this. People were not being as closely viewed and known as they are now. You have to be careful about every little thing you say, because God forbid you say the wrong thing and get canceled. It didn't used to be this way. The only reason you'd ever know anything bad about a celebrity is if they were in the news. I think most of the media we consume whether TV shows, movies, etc. have the potential to have us supporting "bad people". It would be overwhelming to look up every single person we had ever consumed media from and sift through what are lies and what are not about each actor, singer, etc. I get that people don't want to give a platform to people doing bad things, but it's almost impossible to know and to remove every single bad person from the content you consume.  Being a celebrity in general is hard. It's easy to become addicted to drugs, and experience toxicity especially celebrities that live in Los Angeles. Most become people they regret, but some change for the better too. I'm not saying people who do serious crimes should get out of jail because they can become better people. People in jail should remain in jail for serious crimes. Time will tell what becomes of him. If more about him is released or if he's able to actually make strides in his health like he said he would. We will wait and see. I really hope he can heal and get better. Even the most unlikely ones can change their lives. You can both support Shubble and hope that Wilbur gets better.

[marumarielle]

https://www.tumblr.com/chaisshitposts/733934617202180096/in-other-news-ive-gotten-a-bit-of-a

(I'm the anon who talked about how there should be ethics when it comes to manifesting, Ill be calling myself the ‼️ anon now)

To the anon who thinks EIYPO is shitty, i agree with that sentiment and have found a way to believe the law without the whole victim blaming and solipsism issue. And this is for u if I believe in the law, I think the person who's post I linked has a good view on this matter.

TW: mentions of abuse, s.a., & unfavorable households

This cleared up everything for me so nicely! Tysm ‼️ anon! I've been feeling really conflicted about it ever since I learned about it so the post you've given me made me feel lighter in a way.

Expanding on this thought, yes, our environment as we grow up shapes our pattern of thinking, our belief system, our perspective in life, money, literally everything. This is why there are people who have these unfavorable thought patterns and are even being taught to tolerate such things (and I speak from experience).

"I do not like the argument that trauma and circumstances were unconsciously manifested by those who've experienced it. if anything, those circumstances were forcefully manifested by their environment that they grew up in." ----Chai

What I quoted from Chai is so well said because I was born in a quite aggressive and limiting household and I took those limiting beliefs as I grew up. Those beliefs forcefully manifested by my environment I ended up living by. So, it's truly not my fault because those beliefs were forced upon me by the environment I grew up in. And, It's not your fault either for having unfavorable experiences (e.g., abusers, s.a., etc...)

When I grew up and found out about Law of Assumption and this whole EIYPO thing I honestly felt so guilty (which is why I'm so unsure of it). "If they act bad to you, it's because you assumed so!" So I felt "It was me? I did that? I never wanted it though...?" I ended up experiencing this period of blaming myself for how people treated me and tolerating mistreatment. Hell, I was even so obsessed with how people viewed me I forgot about how I view myself.

If you ever experienced that period of blaming yourself before, just know that you're not alone and know that I was able to get out of it. I leaned more on the psychology side of this conflict, learning that my trauma isn't my fault but the assaulter's. It took time, of course, renewing and getting rid of such beliefs.

So now: what do I do with EIYPO? honestly? not much. I just assume that people treat me kindly which is the opposite of what I assumed when I was younger.

What's the takeaway?: Don't let others convince you that it was your fault because of EIYPO. It never was your fault. I highly recommend you reading the post ‼️ anon gave because I couldn't have said it better than Chai did. Also, all credits to Chai since this whole post is just me expanding on its post!

[bizlybebo]

oh my god im not your girlfriend but i NEED your normal album analysis omg (im normal about will wood btw)

HI OH MY GOD I TOOK SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS I AM. S ORRY

AUGHH this is definitely an excuse to ramble and i am TAKING it thank you so much for this

im fucking obsessed with the normal album. like sosoos much. it's such a subversive and creative and just. sort of album that you've never seen before, i think it seriously doesn't get the credit it deserves augh

first off here's a link to a 3-hour long analysis of the normal album that i haven't actually watched yet

here's where im cutting the post off before i start incoherently rambling about every song so that i don't curse people's dashes with having to Scroll for a million miles

THIS IS. A LONG ASS POST. LIKE 2.3K WORDS. SO IF YOU CLICK ON THIS BE WARNED LMAO.

i don't expect this to get more than like 2-3 notes this is literally just an open ramble about the normal album cause i got an excuse to.

Suburbia Overture / Greetings from Mary-Bell Township / Vampire Culture is SUCHH a good intro to the album. like. not even going into the lyricism it's fucking so insanely well-composed in a musical sense, I LOVE the samples and the immediate, like, doorbell sound at the very beginning because it just. introduces the ENTIRE album so well.

and the way it introduces will wood's motif of "Everybody's all up in my goddamn business" is SOSOO good.

The first half or so of the song is very illustrative of the typical, like, nuclear family, with these sounds inspired by a very upbeat, like... almost 60s-70s kind of music? It's a very creative song but it's tune and melody are also somewhat restrictive for a decent part of it, expressing perfectly what will wood's saying about this kind of lifestyle. If that makes sense?

and THEN the sudden switch into vampire culture is INSANE. im fucking AUGHGHGH over it.

It draws back on this stereotypical, happy lifestyle where something just seems a bit off and leans ENTIRELY into the uncanny-ness of it all. it's a sudden jump into random tempo switches, fucking just making all the noise he wants, and screaming "fuck your culture".

like the symbolism is so clear yet so subtle. I fucking love it.

and I am

OBSESSED. with this outro.

and THEN the little 'love me, normally' melody at the end is fucking INSANEEE augh. there was literally no better way to start this album off.

2econd 2ight 2eer (that was fun, goodbye) is EASILY one of my fucking favorites on this album. like. god.

IMMEDIATELY starting off with "take it with a pillar of salt, H.A.L.T., it's not my fault", illustrates the point of this song so well.

HALT is the acronym Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. It encourages you to "halt" and think before making an important decision and evaluate-- are you any of these four things?

And it's often been suggested by psychiatrists to a lot of people dealing with mental health issues.

The reason why I'm so obsessed with this lyric is because this entire song is basically accepting, "hey. i'm mentally ill. like i am. FUCKED in the head. this isn't something i can't escape, not really. i'm learning to be okay with this instead of searching my whole life for a cure. i'm never going to be able to assimilate fully into normal society."

and it's mixed with this very, like. Rudimentary view of how society views mentally ill people / those struggling with more severe psychological conditions. The chorus is literally "I'm just a psycho babe; come and go out my mind"

It's almost like this expression of mania, what with the upbeat tempo and the dark lyrics.

"I didn't lose it, I set it free" is another lyric in this song i just. augh. love. love love lvoe vloevleo this whole album. this is DEFINITELY the song i could say the MOST about. but i feel like i'd almost have to save that for another, more organized post.

Laplace's Angel / Hurt People? (Hurt People!)

AUGGGHHHHH.

god.

The title Laplace's Angel comes from the idea of Laplace's Demon, which concerns the whole idea of determinism, etc. It's essentially the idea that if a demon knew the position of everything, everywhere, the laws of physics would allow it to predict and understand the future.

it. doesn't make a lot of sense to me tbh.

BUT.

i understand determinism in a sense, and it's basically the idea that free will doesn't exist and that we and our actions are. products of the things that have already happened to us.

That's the best way I can explain it.

And I think that all of this, tied together with how the song is discussing important topics of morality, etc. is just. So cool and artistic and. God.

It references this guttural, primal sort of fear and this sort of "predictability" of the human psyche with the lyric that throws the entire song into it's first chorus-- said lyric being:

"Run your diagnostic tests, it's posited; nobody dies agnostic, though we still dial 9-1-1."

AND THEEENNNN. the chorus itself. augh.

You could go on all day about the main voice, "Could you take a look at me?" but i'm more in love with the backing chorus--

"It's the norm for animals, it's the norm for chemicals -- It's the norm for particles, eye for eye, for tooth"

and you can see a lot of references to other philosophies such as "an eye for an eye".

AND THEN the bridge being "wash your hands of where you been until you flood the second floor - neatly fold your skeletons but still can't shut the closet door"

essentially just being this greater commentary on morals as a whole, and how, in a sense, morality is just. subjective. Like I don't think I have the skill to illustrate just how insightful this song is on the topic of morality. god.

I / Me / Myself !

so obviously i / me / myself is a remaster of sorts of i / me / myself by Will Wood and the Tapeworms (versus just solo Will Wood)

BUT I LVOE THIS SONG. SO MUCH.

Will Wood wrote this song, essentially, about wishing he could express his femininity properly, right? how he felt like people refused to accept his identity as cisgender and heterosexual because he was a crossdresser, and very proud of it?

i fucking love that. he just puts absolutely everyone on blast for that. he's a cis dude who's also fucking with gender and fashion and art and he's letting people understand that.

but here's where i get personal because i ADORE the song as a lesbian who doesn't consider himself cisgender in the slightest.

I've spent my whole life wishing I could "be a girl" despite being born and raised female-- I simply just didn't fit into the mold of traditional femininity and, growing up in a religious background, that just made it even more difficult to fit in.

So I LOVE the lyric "i wish i were a girl".

AND THE BRIDGE IM JUST OBSESSED WITH TOO

"Eating your prosthetic, meet your anesthetic criteria, pathetic seeing you become acetic -- Say my name like a slur, but I've been called worse; I've heard it all before, no this isn't a first -- Let me be the void you fill with taxidermy fingerprints, taxonomize our differences -- I am quantum physics, my witness brings me to existence"

I think I just. need to leave that there. Cause it says more than I ever could. rahgaghag

and then closing out with the repeated line "all identities are equally invalid; don't you think that there's a chance that you could live without it?" is such cool like. food for thought yk?

idk i love the view Will Wood gave here, honestly. Especially knowing that he's very accepting of the lgbt+ community.

...well, better than the alternative

HOLY SHIT I AM. AUGH. UNWELL OVER THIS SONG.

see, the way I view it, is this attempt to just. Play into a normal, quiet life, despite EVERYTHING mentioned previously in the album. It's about trying to shove beside everything else for a normal existence.

It ties into suburbia overture, i / me / myself, and 2econd 2ight 2eer soso well. it's the perfect "halfway point of the entire album".

another lyric that i just HAVE to throw in here "This isn't my first kiss, it's better to be lost than loved, now isn't it?"

i'm mainly just. obsessed with that because of how aromantic it sounds. even though i know that's not how it was intended.

but i LOVE. THIS SONG. AUGH i love them all obviously but this one has such a special place in my heart.

It's asking somebody to "play along with" you (referring to the normal life thing) and THEN the whole "I just wanna do what's right by you"

it's just. tying together all the previous songs and like. expressing, essentially. "I'm fucked up. Are you willing to put up with me?"

or maybe im just yapping about absolutely nothing on this one idk

--

I don't know much more about the second half of this album, but I feel like diving into the lyrics of Outliars and Hyppocrates : a fun fact about apples is something i definitely need to do soon. i love this song's musical composition and.

"Don't wanna be human, anyways -- who pilots all these crude machines" ?? BANGER FUCKING LYRIC.

It's essentially just-- "the things that make you special are the things that make you strange"

meaning. get weirder with it. get fucking weirder with your art.

BlackBoxWarrior - OKULTRA is probably my favorite song on this album in terms of, musical composition and noise. I've pored over these lyrics soosososo many times and a lot of it goes over my head but over time I've started to understand a LOT of it and i just. augh.

also this song has such strong animatic vibes?? this is the one that makes me think SO much about my current writing project and i adore it for that.

I wish i was like. able to coherently express my thoughts on the lyrics of this song but they're just so complicated and. wow. it's. I think Will Wood totally outdid himself with this one because this is the most. Perfectly tied-together song on this entire album.

HOLY SHITTT

MARSHA, THANKK YOU FOR THE DIALETICS, BUT I NEED YOU TO LEAVE

OKAY I LIED I CAN TALK ABOUT THIS ONE ALL FUCKING DAY.

GOD.

I'M AUTISTIC. IN THE DIAGNOSIS PROCESS. AND LET ME TELL YOU I AM FUCKING OBSESED WITH THIS ONE SO MUCH.

Essentially, under our current system, any inability to perfectly execute a grueling 9-5, 5 days a week, on top of the mental labor of schooling and debt etc. is considered a disability. "Actual" diagnosed people are just the canaries in the coal mines, we're struggling soso much daily and it's just.

It's expanding upon this idea of microlabels and how Will Wood feels about them, and i honestly do think that, even though it's not the intent of this song, it can open up a conversation about how autism is not a "silly" thing. yk how the jokes have essentially become "I have (normal personality trait), is this... 'the tism'?" or the obsession with the fucking. god. "Neurospicy" thing.

^and how this improper culture/misunderstanding of neurodivergency and the need to make it more sanitized/palatable feeds into consumerism. but i can. go on a rant about that some other day.

But basically, with the lyric that "Dr., what's my prognosis if the study shows that: disease is in the eye of the beholder?" it expresses this sort of disdain, almost, with greater society's view on psychiatric abnormalities. if that. makes sense.

and then it's this constant repetition of "Back in my day ; ; ; we just drank ourselves to death. And we fucking liked it". It's also jabbing at this idea of how, in previous generations, you were generally just told to suck it up or you were left behind/ostracized entirely. It's about older generations not understanding the surge of mental health issues as of late. Closing with "We just bled out in the bed".

I love this song. So much. But I feel like this is all I'm gonna say about it because honestly this sort of discourse. Tires me out so much.

AAA OKAY

MY FUCKING LOVE MY DEARIE MY SHINING STAR I LOVE THIS NEXT SONG MORE THAN I LOVE ANYTHING ELSE ON THIS FUCKING PLANET

Love, me Normally

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THIS IS THE ONE. THIS IS THETHE THE THE THEHT EH *THE* ONE.

THIS IS THE SONG THAT I UNDERSTAND THE MOST. THIS SONG IS LITERALLY ME. ME ME EM EM ME EAUGGHGH

HOLY SHIT.

I feel like so much has already been said on this song. I want to highlight, specifically, the bridge.

This is. my favorite piece of lyricism Will Wood has EVER put out and i fucking mean that.

---

"Now this is the part of the song where I like to talk to my audience

I like to tell 'em there's something I want from you hep cats tonight

I want you to look to your left, look to your right

Your 12 o'clock, three o'clock, six o'clock, nine o'clock, rock around the clock tonight

And I want you to find those points of no return, those singularities

Those burning rings of fire in the beautiful pupils of the beautiful eyes of the beautiful

Boy, girl, neither, both, or in-between that you brought with you tonight

And I want you to tell 'em how you really feel

I want you to tell 'em that you love the way they so seamlessly, like-a-dream-fully

So beautifully, oh so dutifully

Jam that square peg in the round hole in their heart

I want you to tell 'em that you love the way

That they don't stick out like sore middle fingers

That they crawl their way up the side of the bell curve

Stick their flag in the peak, and slide their way back down

I want you to tell them that you love the way that they're not maladaptive

Not malcontent, not malignant or maleficent, but rather that you love them

Exactly the way that everybody else is!"

---

now is it. unnecessary. to paste it all in here? certainly. but i just. love this so much.

the constant motif of mentioning the bell curve is amazing, too. I love this album because of it's essential... just. Being so outside of the normal bounds of society that all you can do is sit back and observe it all like "huh".

this is another ramble that i'd have to save for another post because this is the one that i understand the most.

I personally like to view this one through the lens of aromanticism. cause i can.

Now I'm not gonna go too much into detail on Memento Mori: the most important thing in the world cause BOY is it existential.

but i do think it's a beautiful way of tying this entire album together.

this entire album is almost like a note to humanity in general, this whole "you may not listen to me ever again, but give me these 45 minutes of your life to change your outlook on all of it".

Despite this album being subjective and subversive? Deviating so strongly from the norm that the average person, hell, even most avid fans, could never begin to relate to most of it?

It has this sort of... span of the human existence, in a sense. It understands it on such a small level, and it speaks bast the barriers that we usually don't try to cross. It just says shit that nobody else has said before.

I <3 this album. So insanely much.

I think that it's honestly one of the better pieces of music period that have been put out in these last few years. nothing else is as lyrically, linguistically, or musically different. aughgg

thank you for the ask if you read to the end youre fucking insane.

[z0ruas]

I'm nervous to share this but I need to get better at it. In March this year my therapist diagnosed me with OSDD - otherwise specified dissociative disorder - or one of the variations under the umbrella of what used to be called multiple personality disorder. I didn't know my undiagnosed autism in early childhood could become something this advanced, and I can never find out what trauma exactly caused it because 1) that's the nature of the disorder and 2) my parents who homeschooled/abused me will never help me remember. My best guess is CSA that they tried to cover up and it should bother me more to share that but despite having been a walking billboard of the symptoms at times I don't recall the trauma itself whatsoever so whatever, just the rituals I used to do to try to get out of any more of it happening I guess. Telling my therapist that as a child I stopped bathing for days at a time and don't remember when it started and to this day I'm still mysteriously horrified of the shower tipped her off to my dissociation being highly abnormal

"DID is a dissociative trauma disorder in which a survivor has undergone longterm, repeated trauma in early childhood. This trauma, combined with other factors, results in a rather dramatic interruption of psychological development -- particularly as it pertains to identity. Through a process known as dissociation, this thwarted development results in "differentiated self-states" (also known as alters/parts) who may each think, act, and feel considerably different from one another. These parts of the mind - who may have their own name, age and personality - are able to take executive control of the body, leaving the survivor without any awareness for the time they were gone. These amnesic gaps in memory can be for just a few moments, a few days, or even entire chunks of one's childhood. The alters in a DID mind exist to help the survivor cope with deeply painful and unconscionable trauma, holding it outside their awareness to the best of their ability. However, often once the survivor begins to find safety and/or enter adulthood, this once supremely creative and protective mechanism can turn into a maladaptive trait causing real life consequences."

I'm not sure if I count as fully DID because of my likely low end alter count, which I'll explain, and because how my amnesia works. I want to say I am because I don't remember anything before the age of 7 and didn't know until recently that not everyone forgets early childhood that hard, lately everything before age 13 is on its way out too and I'm gathering that the degree of my short and long term memory loss are pretty severe during times of stress, but I don't currently have blackouts or alters who keep each other out of consciousness to "take over" and are damned to keep secrets from each other, so I don't know. It feels more like they just filter themselves through me, like we're all living the same life but just deal with it and feel about it different ways.

They've written a lot of notes/journals to me over the years, so as an adult as long as I check those I usually remember what they do and feel generally and don't ever wake up like "where the fuck am I," but in the past I mistook them for fictional characters or "intrusive inner monologue" that conflicted with "me," because I didn't know what this was. With more therapy and introspection I've figured that 20+ years ago I once had alters who I can't remember anymore who took a lot of memory away whenever it was they "left"/I no longer needed them.

Turns out even if I hadn't decided to formally learn creative writing I would've been coming up with other people in my head to cope anyway. Kinda puts a damper on the last decade I've spent as a writer or so I thought. Similar to the ablutophobia I don't recall when exactly I started coming up with and illustrating stories, just that I seemed to be able to and I needed to do it as much as possible.

Without prodding off the top of my head I only have two clear memories of being 7, I don't know when they are and they aren't reels of continuous moments more than they are snapshots of just having been there, but I can still see what the rooms looked like when I was in them: 1) playing Pokemon Yellow in my bedroom for the first time and 2) sitting down at the brick computer in my parents' bedroom to write my first word document story.

I say my alter count is likely to be low (but I can't be sure until I get a therapist who specializes in this disorder, mine only does in autism) because I, the host of this blog and normally my brain/body, used to feel like a singlet (someone without DID) and was long unaware of what this disorder was besides the name of it, so we didn't have a naming or recognition method for alters for 20+ years. The way its portrayed in media and online I see a lot of systems with drastically individualized members, but a lot of mine are just "me but with certain emotions dialed up" "me slightly to the left or right" "me at 13" "me when I've suddenly forgotten x important thing again"

Like the autism this is definitely one of those things I needed to know about myself decades sooner, but unlike the autism which I was #bornwith this feels like something I need to apologize for, despite not having the language or knowledge to express how it felt and despite not remembering why I started doing it.

If I'd been able to always express myself as a "we," if I'd known, I wouldn't have hidden this from people, so that I can get better. Whether that be through "final fusion" (all alters becoming one) or "functional multiplicity" (less alters becoming as few as possible) I plan on healing as much as possible despite no longer being able to recover all the pieces of my puzzle

[lostfracturess]

Hie nici! This is super late, but i was very sick past few weeks (in my s&c gojo era according to my moots) and had the half written, I’ve now had time to reread s&c in peace (of mind), and elaborated on my reaction.

You're a slut.

Okay, honestly I had to very carefully skim through chapter 14 because I thought gojo called her the slang and she was echoing it, sighed in relief when i realised he did not do so. But then got sad just as soon as I realised her self thoughts are extremely demeaning and toxic :( she definitely needs a lot of love, self reassurance and peace in her life along with gojo.

I love how heavy on monologue you are, akin to the classics of Dostoevsky and so, especially when you write gojo’s pov, anyways i am always left in utter and complete awe at how beautiful your grasp of emotions and consequences is, putting that psychology degree to real good utilisation.

“Bitter pill to swallow”

geto would know about swallowing bitter pills. Canonically and over here too, but so would gojo.

You write very poetically — especially thoughts and emotions — it’s like reading a rather long piece of poetry and it’s informative and sad.

It’s an absolute wonder how intensely you you have demonstrated Gojo’s addiction with such precision, you write the constant push and pull of his conscience towards drugs and his woman. He comes close to being clean, and then falls back to square one, while media likes to sugarcoat and glamourise addiction a lot, i like how candid you have gone to show the downside of it (while also making him feel tempting). Mental illness tends to become chronic, and comfortable and it’s substantial when you show gojo’s detest and comfort with his addictive. He wants to get out, but he gives in to revel in it.

I also like how even though reader is a morally considerate person, she also understands the difficulties that come with substance abuse and realises that he cannot just up and give it up, that it needs a lot of strength, stability and confidence to get rid of such issues, a long with time and patience. I know people want him to get clean, but doing so would take a while, he cannot just give it up as he wakes up, that will shock his system.

I took a moment to breathe as I realised she has her hands stuck in someone’s brain while her own takes her on trip a million miles per minute.

I once saw a fanart of BSD, where a puzzled Atsushi reads the newspaper heading as it states that “Nikolai is the new prime minister of japan”, and Dazai asks him “to not question the love language of Dostoevsky”; I have now stopped questioning the love language of Gojo Satoru, first it was the brain, now it’s an aneurysm.

Oh how all this monologue of control has me gagged, the way she has control over someone else’s life as she fight to maintain it over her own, and by extension satoru’s, i like the moral ambiguity over here, when instead of being terrified of possibly jeopardising a life, she is exhilarated by the touch of power it brings.

I feel so gratified whenever my fictional mentor expresses their pride over me, I am emotionally starved for praise.

The betrayal she feels as she learns it was the united decision of her mentor and the man she loves to break up her relationship, and sabotaging her development with Satoru and his addiction is very much palpable in this moment. It’s a heartbreaking experience to unwittingly lose a tangible development and a much more heart-wrenching loss to know you lost an intangible development because someone else engineered that plan, while you had zero control over the decision.

But, I understand geto, it must have been hell to almost pul out gojo from his the claws of his demons only for him to go and throw himself into a bigger pit of fire before you can celebrate the progress. And he must gone through it and time and time again over the decades, I understand him, but I wish he had trusted reader enough to have consulted her. However I don’t think that would have lead to a better outcome.

"You know damn well why."

I like how Suguru liking her wasn’t always a plan, but became one and how every action of his can tie down to this moment where he vaguely implies that he likes her and it’s such an emotionally charged moment, you are bound to feel despair for his unrequited feelings. I’m just glad he gets his own love story.

Okay, but he’s not just suffering from the pain of not just falling in love with the woman who belongs to your girlfriend and witnessing her downfall along with him, but also from the responsibility he holds over this. His decision of mentoring her under his wing lead to this moment where he watches her deteriorate as her dreams stay on verge of collapsing. And it must be so suffocating for him to go through, while holding himself accountable to some regards.

Politics and profit are the dirtiest and the most heartless things known to humankind, it has lead to collapse of empires and countries singlehandedly, it has also tainted and killed humanity and consciousness, yet the intensity of the destruction and despair it causes is always so thrill. Delightful even. Yaga couldn’t have picked a worse timing to thrown in the revision of the project than this, but I think better this break or make them, than it possibly breaking them at a better timing. However, I do not like yaga, or his decisions, he is a money making man who rather emotions and humans be damned, and it echo perfectly with what administration is all about. He’s an inherently grey man, who does what needs to be done. I actually love his character so much. But knowing the research may amount to nothing but profiting from the desperation of a grieving widow is very disturbing. Everyone is hypocrite here, including the reader (me). Oh my, Yaga is a scheming man, he has them by the grip.

Can Yaga afford to lose Gojo? He’s the best surgeon the hospital has to offer after all, with him being a prodigy and what not.

He knows about her father’s death, probably from the files. He makes efforts in loving her and then extend far from just letting her know he does with words, he would do anything for her, won’t he? I like how they keep prioritising one another over everything else, what’s a Romeo and Juliet kinda romance when we have ourselves Symptoms and Causes? I wonder.

I love reader’s characterisation, she is not some two-dimensional damsel and I am here for complicated and brilliant personality and moral principles that make her. Her father is such consistent driving force for her, and there is nothing we love more than a strongly driven woman in love with equally strong but troubled older man. Both beautiful.

Her panic attacks make me panic. Again your grasp over demonstrating anything to do with emotions and their breakdown is absolutely insane and beautiful. So tangible the way you write it.

I like when they do everything possible in their might, only to end up with each other, fighting the same battles with even more complications. The tables are reverse right now, reader is the one insane and fragile enough to crack at a single graze of touch.

She’s been holding on her own for so long, giving in hard for her, but I wish they both could trust themselves to not hurt the other and be hurt by them.

"Just because we can't be together...It doesn't mean I've stopped loving you."

A braver me would have given anything to have a man who could love me like this, but I am a coward and my heart has been ripped from inside its cage hearing this. This is such a gentle yet substantial thing to confess. The way they don’t need words from each other to know what the other needs to express is such a dream. Their bond is so strong, even if they’re fragile, it’s like they souls exist together even when they don’t. There’s rage against him inside of her and I have never any rage more loving, the way she acknowledges his insecurities and would never do anything to hurt him, let alone make him utter them out has my heart beating so hard. I am literally tearing up.

My woman knows she doesn’t deserve this misery, this hurt and I’m taking notes.

"It's okay," he said. "I'll wait. Forever, if I have to."

"And I'll wait for you," you echoed. "Until you're ready."

I am sobbing now. There feelings conflict on the same scale, existing together. Some toxic relationship dynamic that I crave.

Grief. And you were so spot on, that I took my break. Everything you said, is everything it is. The whole interaction with her neighbour was very so small, but so significant to her condition, I love small details like this.

Her friends are really good friends, so fiercely protective of her, with them noticing her health and discussing about even when she tried to shrug it off, and offering her notes. Maki is that honest girl friend that we all need for guidance and i am glad reader has got her, someone who is kind and honest but so gentle and not rude. I will sob right here, I am not exaggerating.

Reading the science jargons make me feel very intelligent, even my brain cannot comprehend any of it. I still feel superficially genius. Also they are calling each other out on their hypocrisy and bullshit is so funny, like please, help each other out, yes, be honest! Honesty is the key! Also they’re talking about fucking in front of Suguru, he must be so jealous and so annoyed with them, help—

Gojo is so gentle with her, and he’s so observant, also a genius, and loves her so much and is pretty too, is perfect at fucking, what can this man not do? I’m week in the knees for him. He is cradling her to sleep and I am actually an emotional wreck, when I feel too much, my hands and arms start hurting unbearably and painfully, and right now? I could cry with it. This scene is so, so, so meaningful and soft. She’s reiterating her research in her sleep and it’s the most relatable stuff I’ve ever seen. He kissed her forehead, I am so touch starved right now. Always am. How can a man ever be enough after this?

Oh he googled her father’s death, he ensured he takes leave to stay with her when he realised she’s alone, he is ensuring she eats and is paying for it, and is making in efforts to make her feel at ease with her grief. How do you think like this? He is not forcing her, he’s just being there, letting her be as she wants to, and is only existing in that shared space of hers. My heart is a fragile organ. Very. She is gonna visit her father’s grave with him, for the first time, he is gonna drive her to her hometown to do that, he’s such a gem, I am reminding myself they don’t make men like him in real life. That he’s a figment of your imagination.

I am gonna take a break.

Holy shit, I cried so much when she talked about her father, he loved her so much, I can only dream of this love, I love it when people write such loving, kind and gentle father, it provides me with the opportunity of experiencing the paternal love and it’s the one of the best things a writer gives me. I am now mourning the death of my fictional father with more tears than my own. You did such, such, brilliant and perfect job writing it, I could give you my heart for this and my life and it wouldn’t be enough. I always love a strong backstory for readers, it adds so much element to the story, so much depth and it makes it much better.

Her father didn’t make them aware of the surgery. I will take another break, this is heartbreaking. She was just a child, I understand why her mother suffered such strong shock, I would too probably. He died and none of them could say goodbye. Oh.

"I'm here, and I'll always be here."

Everytime, he says this, I fall more intensely for him.

He must look so hot in that apron, and so cute, but incredibly sexy. I’m touch starved. What is he revealing? I wanna know, I’m very intrigued.

Oh no, her mom— this is incredibly sad. I wanna hug her mom, please, she’s a good woman, she deserves better than this awful loop of mental destruction. They both lost someone, it’s unfair how she had to take care of everything and her mom as a child. It must have been so harsh on her. All of them need therapy or love and a break. Loving a grieving person is always the hardest thing to do, loving a suffering person is hard in general. Him telling her the kindest thing she did was walking out from what hurt her gave me the validation I didn’t think I needed.

He calmed her mom down, he’s such a husband.

Loving someone regardless of their actions and flaws is the strongest thing you can do, my man knows that. I love this conversation so much, how do you write these thoughtful conversations? These moments mean so much, thank you for giving us this piece of your mind.

I truly hope he learns to let of the pills before they kill him. It’s understandable that he thinks he’s a better on them, but I hope he learns to accept himself off them.

"Because how could I ever leave you? You're the last thing I want to see before sleep, the person I crave to wake up beside, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with."

"You're carved into me. Heart, soul, every damn part of me I can't even begin to understand."

"I'm tethered to you, and I don't know how to cut the cord."

Oh how I am crying, this is all so romantic, so melancholic. My therapist will contact you. He’s so fascinated by her and if my man doesn’t look at me like this, doesn’t love me like, doesn’t talk to me this, I don’t want him.

I love our domestic moments. Cherish them so much 💞 did he convince her for the therapy?

You have no idea how loudly I screamed when he asked her mom the permission to marry her. That was the most unexpected but the most wholesome moment and proposal ever! I wonder what her mom said. But how do I get this version of Gojo Satoru? “Where” is the question. I need him like oxygen.

Literally my favourite ever chapter, I took my time to review it, because I didn’t wanna rush it with anything. Nothing has ever made me cry, smile, blush, get horny, feel intelligent or think this hard. Literally the best I have ever read. This was a blast of emotions and I know I will reread this even when I am no longer into the fandom!

You did a great job nici, really, really loved every second of this!

💌🫶🏼

flower girl, you really are the sweetest for these long ass detailed messages :'')) i know it's been in my inbox for a while and i'm so sorry for being so slow to reply but you know university's a bitch sometimes.

anyway, i'm always truly blown away by how deeply you engaged with the story and characters. and i really appreciate you taking your precious time to share your thoughts with me, especially while you were recovering from being sick.

always love so so so so much on how you pick up on all the little details. and also the little interactions like with her neighbor was totally intentional bc it will be relevant sometime later in the story hehe. but i'm glad you noticed it at all lol. i think most think it was random but remember that gradma !!

anywayy, yes, the angst of the hospital politics and suguru's secret feelings is so juicy to delve into. he's really in an impossible position, trying to protect them both even as he struggles with his own emotions. love to write all these conflicting feelings of wanting the best for someone else but also selfishly wanting them for yourself like ?? i think that's so uniquely human and love to express that.

but satoru's and the reader's relationship is truly the heart of the story. i really wanted to show how deep their bond goes, how they can communicate volumes without words. even when things are messy and complicated, that underlying love and understanding is always there. so so happy the emotional moments shone through and even made you cry (in a good way, i hope !!)

& it means a lot to me that the backstory with the reader's father was so impactful and felt authentic. and don't have much experience with grief myself so i'm glad it somehow landed well :))

I love our domestic moments. Cherish them so much 💞 did he convince her for the therapy?

kind of yes !! maybe it was also seeing her to changed with him back home after all this time but satoru was really a great influence here.

truly, thank you so so much for taking your precious time to write this message !! i'm so honored and grateful that you connected with the story on such a deep level. sending you all the love right back <3

[arttrampbelle]

Ok since my whooooole ass backstory for shang can't be summed up in one post. (Too long to explain)

I'll sum it up in angst art (used a base)

Cw:angst,death,illness, and many personal hcs about shang. (Yes im bias)

Also note DO NOT STEAL THIS HC! THANK YOU. IF YOU USE IT. GIVE ME CREDIT. BECAUSE THIS IS VERY SPECIAL AND HANDCRAFTED IN MY HEART,I WORKED HARD ON THIS! thank you.

Shang tsung basically telling (a young,SLIGHTLY arrogant,inexperienced young god raiden. Granted again at the time,stakes were high,emotions were high,and it just was a complicated messy situation) to fuck off for blowing off his feelings of his mother who passed away weeks before the big tournament. Whom i hc was basically fighting cancer. All his family has suffered an early death,sudden death,or just suffered from illnesses. He just happened to be the only one in his generation to be healthy and not suffer with that problem. Despite his mothers illness,she still composed herself with grace. She took descent care of herself despite her health declining. She had a gentle and kind soul but had strong,intellectual mind. With great love and compassion for her son,her community and those who were defenseless,poor,or under oppression. Never once did she have to raise her hand in anger but only in a calm authoritative way. She carried herself as if she was an empress,yet with all the humbleness of a simple weaver who lived a simple life. Caring for the only child,the only son she had. The only family. By herself none the less. No needing help from any man. Not because she didn't want shang to have a father,no. It was because she didn't feel the need. She knew of her short time on this realm. So she taught shang everything she could to the best of her ability. But tho she herself could fight,and knew martial arts. She sent shang tsung to learn from lord raiden. For this tournament....known....as mortal kombat. For the defense of his home. Tho shang only wanted to fight for his mother. Never his realm or any big cause. Nor any god.

Again i have a whole ass backstory for shang. And a whole family. Real family. None of these dumb clones,none of these damned typical hcs of deadbeat asshole dad. No his father and all his family were pretty chill,kind,and simple folk. But always valued education and spiritual connections. They just suffered from bad luck of early deaths.

Shang was the only one to avoid these things. He never knew his brothers n sister. They died in childbirth. He never knew his father. He died defending his home and village against an oppressive system. His aunts n uncles died of old age n sickness. But pretty harshly. Etc.

Like i just want shang to always have this. I need to have stability,survival,and a need for comfort because i never got it so if i have,you damn well bet im clinging to it with all my claws sinked in deeply.

Psychologically this makes even more sense when he bacame under shao kahn. An oppressive boot heel on his neck. Anything it took to survive,even if he had to swallow his pride n dignity to get ahead or even a way out or even Just to make it thru the day.

This is a man who has been broken and took the broken pieces and carved a sword. Angry,hurt,bitter at his former mentor,no friends made,that didn't turn on him,lie to him,or turned away because he was "different" (i hc yeah shang was the weird nerdy kid. Quiet. Valued books,smarts and skills over muscle and physical prowess. Tho he was good at that too and gained that also)

Again. Dm me if you are curious for more. I'll make a separate post for y'all going into details further.

For now. Have some very sad,very charged emotionally art.

Much love as always.

(Be sure to check out my mk side blog for more kontent at @mrstsung )

[hollyvorpahl]

8 and 10 for the writing meme!

8. I'm gonna sound like such a sap. I don't really have a favorite because each main character has something about them that I really like. Marian is a practical person learning to be more romantic. I relate really hard with that concept. Almost a decade ago I was in a really bad relationship and the journey I had to take to open back up and see things romantically was a hard but really rewarding one. I love Dot and Jocelyn for their more feminine natures. Dot is the more nurturing of the two and she embodies the kindness and warmth that entails. Jocelyn is super girly with her clothes, hair and jewelry but I don't slip her into the trap of being a mean girl. She's the Disney Princess I wanted growing up. Most Princess characters don't want to be a Princess. They want to flee like Jasmine. Jocelyn loves her lifestyle and is looking forward to choosing a suitor and doing all of the things she was taught growing up. On top of those traits, both of them enjoy baking. Something I wish I could do but don't have the room in my tiny apartment. I think out of my dudes, I really like Athello. I love writing a Faerie romantic lead that isn't an ass or does awful things. His personality is a mix of that moment in Beauty and the Beast where the Beast is leading Belle into the library, Abe Sapien in Hellboy and just a hint of impish Jareth mischief. Perhaps a more toned down Lumière.

As for least favorite? I don't know. There's a villain or two in one of my back burner stories that I don't like as people. One of them was from a story about a Lady Knight named Constance and her first year or so as a green knight. She has to save her Kingdom from these cultists who took over the capital. She's caught and for months tortured by this sickly pale man with patches of snake skin and a mouth that was unnervingly wide (like a human in mid-transformation into a snake) called The Commandant. He uses psychological torture as well as physical. I hate that fucker but he was also pretty fun to write.

Side note: This story also has one of my favorite dynamics in a romance. Constance is a short, stocky and ill-tempered young woman and her lover is a tall, lanky Necromancer called Asmodeus or "Oz". He's inspired by Gordon Agrippa in appearance (Oz is thinner in build though) and in quiet demeanor. He's almost completely nonverbal and I played around with idea of him being completely mute and using sign language. That is still a possibility.

The other villain is from my High Fantasy Cinderella retelling. The main character's father is a Sorcerer who wants war between his country and that of the country they just formed an alliance with. He sends his daughter, Hester (the Main Character) to kill the king. Her father is based on my father and how he made me feel growing up. Inflicting the pain he caused me on one of my characters is hard on me. That's probably why it's on my extensive back burner.

10. Ummmmmmm I don't really know. I think it's my dialogue and I think some of my descriptions are good. Honestly though, I'm really hard on my work and think everything I write is hot garbage. I have no idea how I'm ever gonna get the courage to charge people to read my work.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi all.

Looking for advice and reassurance about my situation. Please do not suggest going to a therapist since that's not possible for me right now.

TW: chronic physical illness, hospital, meds, bullying, alcohol, death, burnout.

I have a chronic physical condition and stressful moments in my life makes me more prone to flare-ups. I've also heard from doctors as well as people with similar conditions that psychological distress can be one of the underlying causes and triggers.

I have at least two other family members diagnosed with the same condition on my mom's side of the family, one older than me (my aunt) and one younger than me (my little cousin).

My little cousin's case was so bad she had to go to the hospital and was prescribed some of the same meds that I take even though she's only 12. I don't know how she's coping with things but I do know she has a lot of stress. I would also not be surprised if she has trauma though we've never talked about it in-depth but I do know she has undergone severe bullying at school (I was bullied at school which left me with trauma too) and she also lost her dad unexpectedly (I recently had a traumatic death of a close family member too, which I'll talk about later).

My aunt (same side of the family, but not my cousin's mom) just kind of learned how to live with the condition and doesn't mention it too often. However, I do know she copes with stress in general by drinking. She has actually advised me to drink in order to help with my stress too (but I was raised in a completely alcohol-free household due to both my parents having a history of alcohol problems and not wanting to go back to it after they quit). I already know that drinking isn't the best solution, but I'm just mentioning that to show you how people in my family cope.

I feel like my condition was manageable for a while, then things started to get bad again and I would say since mid-last year or so it's become one of those things where I wake up with daily pain on a severe level. My pain keeps me from getting out of bed, and the medicine I take for it can sometimes have a drowsiness side effect so it's not uncommon for me to fall back asleep, and then wake up in pain again (my sleep position can be another pain trigger but I don't have any way of controlling that).

First I struggled a lot with school (probably the biggest stressor in my life for a while). I graduated and although it took me a while I finally found a job that I absolutely love. It gives me a sense of purpose and the co-workers I've met through my job are genuinely some of the best people I've ever met. But a lot of times I find it extremely hard to relax when I'm not working, and when I am working I constantly feel like I could be doing more or that my work isn't as good as other people's. I took on more work assignments than usual last month and now I'm feeling burnt out this month.

Lately, I had a death in the family that turned my world upside down. It's been extremely tough to deal with. I saw her die in front of me and saw other extremely unpleasant things like seeing her body carried out of her room, seeing her open casket at the funeral, and just lots of other disturbing mental images I can't get out of my head.

After that, I had a really difficult Christmas which I spent away from home on an emergency trip (another one of my relatives was near death, but went back to stable condition). The trip was an awful experience which took a deep toll on my mental health. Everyone was stressed out because it was a last minute situation and I feel like this made us all act way more argumentative and aggressive towards each other than usual.

During the trip and after coming back, I noticed my schedule got disrupted and my pain was starting to get more frequent. Usually I only need to treat it in the morning but ever since the trip I have started getting pain episodes about 2-3 times a day.

I know it's been months since Christmas but I still feel affected by it (and I know I'm not the only family member who is because my mom is constantly bringing up arguments related to stuff that happened on the trip that got her upset, it comes up again almost every day).

Like I said before, the high stress situation impacted EVERYONE and looking back I did say something that I probably should have kept to myself but my mom says she's never going to forget that I said it and that our relationship can never go back to being the same. And honestly it hasn't been the same, it really feels like she hates me now.

There are many MANY more things I could mention but basically it just feels like one thing after the next and I'm suffering a lot both physically and mentally.

At the moment I'm feeling really guilty about my condition. Like I said before I wake up with pain and I've been experiencing pain later on in the day too so the moment I wake up, I'm already anticipating a day ahead where I have to be treating my symptoms but still force myself to be productive/get work done because I don't know how to give myself breaks. And I feel bad because I feel like if I hadn't let my stress levels get to this point then my pain wouldn't have gotten so bad (meaning my physical health wouldn't have gotten this bad either) and I blame myself for not knowing how to cope better. I don't cope with alcohol but I don't know if treating my pain with meds is really that much better, I'm not misusing them or anything but I do worry about potential long-term effects on my body.

As of last month I don't have a doctor anymore (thanks to insurance issues). And I don't think I'd be able to see a therapist (again, insurance issues… and my experiences with "free therapy" have never actually been free and left me feeling worse rather than better).

Do you have any advice on how I can start dealing with all this on my own? From Chantal

Hi Chantal,

I'm so sorry about not only what your family has been going through but also what you've been going through as well. I'm also so sorry for your loss. I can see that you're hurting on multiple levels.

It sounds like this condition is taking a great toll on you and your family, not only the pain itself but the side effects of the medication, as well as how other family members are coping with it.

I'm so glad to hear that you found a job you love, and that you're getting along well with your coworkers. But I can understand how it can be hard to relax when you're not working, especially with the condition you're dealing with.

I also hear you saying how, when you're working, you feel like you could be doing more. While this is hard to subdue, do know that you're already doing more than enough. You're doing your best given your circumstances and that's okay. You don't have to overexert yourself or come out on top every time. It's important to remind yourself of where your boundaries and limits are and respect them when you reach your capacity (especially with a chronic illness), in order to avoid burnout in the future.

I can understand how your loss has been hard to deal with, especially with everything else you've been dealing with recently. I think watching someone die as well as the other unpleasant things you saw could definitely be traumatic, and it's understandable that these images are hard to shake.

I also see how the emergency that unfolded around Christmas made your family more tense and hostile towards each other. Please know that it's okay if you still feel affected by what happened. You've been going through a very stressful time recently and it's important to acknowledge that.

Your question does not necessarily have a simple answer. There are a lot of parts to your pain that I feel like are all tangled up together, and so it may be a little complicated to try and sort them out and process everything on your own (i.e without the guidance or mediation of a mental health professional, although I know that's not an option for you right now). But I can give you a general framework of how you could process your traumas.

This article talks about emotional and psychological trauma and how to heal from these. It mentions that for those who have lost a loved one, part of healing is of course moving through the grieving process.

As for healing from trauma in general, the article recommends to get moving if possible, or practicing mindfulness. "Notice the sensation of your feet hitting the ground, for example, or the rhythm of your breathing, or the feeling of wind on your skin." The second tip is to avoid isolating yourself, whether that's participating in social activities, talking to friends, joining a support group for trauma survivors, and such. The third tip is to self-regulate your nervous system by practicing grounding and breathing exercises, but also allowing yourself to feel any emotions that may come up. The fourth tip is to just take care of yourself as best as possible, avoid self-medicating, rest well, eat a balanced diet, and practice some stress-relief activities.

Please know that healing isn't linear, and there is no time limit. You heal at your own pace, sometimes you will take backwards steps, but it's all part of the healing journey. Please remember to be gentile and patient with yourself, not only as you deal with your chronic physical illness but also as you process these traumas.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[rhazimpulsivelyposts]

So I research substances before I take them. I like to know what I am putting in my body and how it affects different types of people. I had taken mushrooms before and my first trip was really bad, but ever trip after that was good because I knew what to expect. Acid was the same way, my first trip was really bad, but every trip after has been amazing.

The first time I took Acid was with my druggy Pisces ex. He got it from some guy he worked with and asked if I’d try it and I love trying new things so sure. I researched was Acid was, what it does to people, how long it typically lasts. I put together a whole marathon of movies I thought I would want to see on Acid, because him and I were going to do it at night, at home, in a house we lived in with my abusive grandmother and alcohol father for some dumb ass reason. Don’t do acid for the first time in that kind of environment please, just asking for a shit-show.

We took it, and started watching Alice In Wonderland because I love that movie, I somehow forgot it was a musical and her singing became annoying for both of us 😆 so we skipped to Ex Machine. This was perfect! I loved this movie and I was so invested. It was my first time seeing it too so it was new to me.

This mofo FELL ASLEEP! Acid doesn’t make you tired, people don’t just fall asleep on acid, it freaked me out. I also have a massive fear of vomit, and because it was scared I was nauseous. So every sound he made that sound remotely like spitting or swallowing freaked me out! I couldn’t stay in the room with him anymore I was scared.

By this time it was so late that my grandmother and father went to bed, the house was dark and quiet, and if I were to go turning lights on it would wake them up, so I couldn’t.

My trippin’ ass went into the bathroom, curled up in the shower, and hyper focused for hours on “how long does this last? Ok 7 more hours, you’ll be fine Rhaz. You didn’t take enough to die. Can you even die on this? *googles it* ok doesn’t really look like it.” I learned so much about psychology and mental illness that night simply because I could not stop googling things while sitting fully clothed with the water off in the shower.

My next Acid trip was nothing like this, it was lovely, colourfull, i was surrounded by people who didn’t act sick or upset. It really is about your environment and mindset going in. Be open to how it makes you feel, and stay positive 😌😊 it really helps you put things into perspective when you are able to stand outside that perspective for a while. 

[cabbxges-and-kings]

OCD thoughts below

To give an overview of what OCD consists of, here's a few explanations that explain it well.

"Ultimately, you feel driven to do compulsive acts to ease your stress. Even if you try to ignore or get rid of bothersome thoughts or urges, they keep coming back. This leads you to act based on ritual. This is the vicious cycle of OCD."

"Obsessive-compulsive disorder usually includes both obsessions and compulsions. But it's also possible to have only obsession symptoms or only compulsion symptoms. You may or may not know that your obsessions and compulsions are beyond reason. But they take up a great deal of time, reduce your quality of life, and get in the way of your daily routines and responsibilities."

"Obsession symptoms: OCD obsessions are lasting and unwanted thoughts that keeping coming back or urges or images that are intrusive and cause distress or anxiety. You might try to ignore them or get rid of them by acting based on ritual. These obsessions usually intrude when you're trying to think of or do other things."

I am not a professional by any means, I have just looked into it. I'm pursing social work, which focuses on how the environment, social, bio, and psychological can influence a person's situation, be it mental illness, poverty, trauma, etc. So I will be examining more on that lens. I have more to say about Hewlett than Simcoe, but one thing stood out to me that others can branch upon if they want.

One ritual a peer in my class mentioned is tapping. This person dealt with intrusive thoughts that caused a lot of anxiety and pain, and usually I equat Simcoe's tapping with remaining focused, but I also saw that OCD can stem from trauma. With Simcoe's background of seeing his father die in front of him in India, being involved in war, he could potentially have OCD, or even a mild form of it. Most people with OCD are not violent (like Simcoe is), and sometimes deal with the intrusive thought of doing something inappropriate, violent, morally wrong things to someone else (even if it's so out of character for them). It's a sense of anxiety for them. Simcoe definitely could have trauma from seeing his father die in that manner, but I'm not entirely sure if he would have intrusive, unwanted thoughts. He could partake in rituals (cleaning a bayonet, over checking important files, repeatly checking if a door is locked), I can see that, but I wanted to note the tapping here because that's a very Simcoe trait.

I also wanted to mention here from what I learned in my classes is that people who have trauma, or PTSD (not every person with trauma has ptsd), often get diagnosed with ADHD that don't treat the main issue of trauma in their lives. This is a little side note if someone wanted to say Simcoe taps because of ADHD fidgeting.

For Hewlett, this is more on my other blog, but I do have a vampire verse that deals with a lot of religious-trauma and influence. I can see Hewlett generally having minor symptoms of OCD, gained from genetics, family history, my headcanon of him losing his sister, or environmental or familial influences in early adulthood. I can see him being particular about organizing and rituals, maybe having some intrusive thoughts that are kind of pushed to the side and unaddressed (because of the time period). This all would increase during times of stress, so I feel like he would fall into the more moral-spiritual angle of OCD, especially when he feels like the world is ending around him in a sense.

But I think for Hewlett in his vampire verse, when he is bitten by a rebel solider when he was kidnapped (framed by Simcoe, kidnapped from Whitehall, s2 stuff). For context: He already was traumatized by his time in the rebel base, but the whole vampirism aspect of it he gained really took a toll on him. The side effects of vampirism and vampires itself is something that would go against Hewlett's own religious beliefs. Hewlett already felt like sin himself and monstrous by this new transformation of being a vampire (with needing blood and all that), it's so unlike himself because it goes against his own moral compass.

With this being said, I think Hewlett's OCD could get more intensified with all this stress (and generally, his symptoms will become intense around stress) by managing intrusive thoughts revolving around morals and religion that could really impact him. I see him partaking in rituals around prayer, fear of impulse control (which can influence some rituals and obsessions he has), excessive worry around sin, being clean (so handwashing), even possession.

To end this, I want to say, I'm no expert. I'm still in college, so I know have so much knowledge regarding it. So anyone who has OCD, please let me know if this perpetuates any bad stigma because OCD is so stigmatized and downplayed as a whole. I want to treat this with the proper respect it deserves.

[destinimott]

My mom whose a narcissistic parent told me that I was self diagnosing. They often differ to that when you have an answer to their behavior. I know I am masking. I know that I am autistic. It is rare for a young black female to be diagnosed. People in their late thirties especially minority females are just now being diagnosed with it. My mom said since she didn't notice it in my childhood then I can't be. She is adamant that it is schizophrenia and bipolar disorder because she read about it. She refuses to accept any of the reading material I give her. She wants to be a psychologist because she went to a few group meetings and feels that people need her help. Psychology doesn't screen for narcism or autism. They're questions are generally structured towards the side effect of the medication. It's a 5 minute appointment. So the next time I see the psych I am going to have to ask to be screened. My mom keeps admitting me into the psych ward. I don't know what other answers they are looking for if she wont accept mine.

She tells me I need to 🤐🤫 the mind 🧠 to distract yourself. Meditate. So now she's some expert because she listens to apps on the playstore.

It is a cry 😭 for help. I am trying to move out so that I am not subjected to this treatment from her. She plays like the good guy and that I am the crazy one no one will ever listen to. She has isolated me from family and friends. She tells people that I have a mental illness not condition. It was hereditary so that would also be a fault of her own. There is a history of mental illness in the family. So she's the only one who didn't get it?

I have practiced these social skills. I work in customer service 🐕‍🦺 and have been doing so for the last twenty years. What you can't get it learn from home you can learn outside the home. So I took college classes that she is unaware of. She doesn't even give me credit for going to college. She thinks I'm retarded. Slow. That is the psychology of black women. They think because you are black your dumb. Ugly black doll test. Then she must also feel that way about herself. She is projecting that on to me. I'm her psychology rants if how she is so much more educated because she took such and such class and she graduated she feels she is better than me. I dropped it. I didn't see the point of contributing especially when she continues to reject the fact that I am sports medicine 🌿💉 I am an herbalist. Exercise scientist. I decided to go a shorter route and get a certificate in holistic wellness as a 🦮 we too know psychology. I have been working in the field for twenty years. We dont diagnose. We refer you to your primary care. It's a wellness center aka spa. Alternative 💊💉 is complimentary and supplementary to your Western care. Many people are abandoning Western 💊💉 because they haven't provided any answers. So I wouldn't be any different to give up on them because I found the answer myself. Self help books provide that for you. Self diagnosing is like them making fun of you for checking the Internet for your signs and symptoms. My mom feels that is ok to be judged and diagnosed by her and other white medical professionals.

Psychologically black women are the ugliest in the world 🌍 i do statistics. I don't know the last time she read a scholar study. I didn't think I've even seen her on Wikipedia. She has admitted she doesn't write papers. I would be an English lit 🔥 major if I didn't choose to go into sports med. There is only so much you can do with an English lit degree.

[lostacelonnie]

It sure is the new year & somehow im still tired and way busier than i would like. So uh. Sorry this took me a bit to get to. The first time i read your response i thought you'd said you were watching bocchi which confused me because you had already. But im glad you are enjoying bofuri. She's such a chaotic disaster character. Ohh i think i feel you on that my brother in law & i have like. Opposing autism vibes & coexisting with him when we share apace is exhausting. I hope school is going well for you! Yeah like. Honestly sometimes ill chat with people at a theater but mostly just. Please do not. Im just there for a film. Love the communal effort to just. Understand your teacher what a time that must be. My parents did teach to cook a bit. I learned spaghetti & a basic taco recipe from them. But i learned a lot from there so i had a bit of a spring board to go off. I hope you have a fun time learning to cook stuff i enjoy it immensely. Even with all the dishes it can make. Honestly schools are just. Weird if anything. Liminal space adjacent but in a way neither good or bad. Im sad i missed getting to pull her i want ruan mei but due to bad storms my internet was out, which also contributed to late response, for the last days of her banner. So i have to save for her re run. I am so normal about her & stelle(lying). I finally finished the argenti quest but had to level & gear himeko & welt. Got kafka on my console account from her banner & it gave me e1 bailu when i hoped for clara. Ohh so its like a character growth/change type thing. As the story progresses & they change they gain new herscherr forms. I think if my understanding is right. Or right as it can be for something not fully explained? I miss manaria & the gang already. Can only tide myself over with other villainess shows til it returns. Or i read more. Dungeon meshi at least has an airing anime adaptation now which means i can see my favorite fail girl marcille in animation. I will remember that & look to the community for help as needed if i pick noita up thank you for the tip. I too want himeko to be fine & alive so i sympathize with the hi3 fans. I dont remember if she's getting off on penacony or not if thats been said. But penacony definitely has some characters i want. Oh okay damn i always wondered about her floating. So thats one mystery solved. Wait seele has just. Basically a good dog aura? Oh so kiana mei & bronya have the most extensive lore? What about uh. Durandal? I feel like ive seen that particular polish phrase before whats it mean?

HI HELLO its been 20 years which im SO FUCKING SORRY about...... my life has decided to just Not give me a break recently. and understandable akdfkgjksj i should really continue watching it but ah.... so busy. and Tired all the time. actually got to skip school today bc i was so sleep deprived i thought i was sick but then i slept for another 4 hours and i feel so much better now. should be studying [have 8 exams coming up until the end of february.......] but i also Need to chill for a bit. agghhh. and oh understandable!! it really is just like that sometimes. school, as i said, is. psychologically torturing me but im actually not in that much pain so yeah!! and thanks also. i hope my teachers let us catch a break soon. at least ive recently picked up baking to destress so at least im not about to become the joker. and REAL LIKE i also dont mind talking with people in public places from time to time but i usually just wanna mind my own business. and yeah its SO funny but also im surprised how nice all my classmates are about helping others. like. if we had to cooperate to create a message with my old classmates everyone would just instantly start making fun of each other for not knowing something. OOOH COOL....... when i have more time i should learn to make some spanish dishes. went to gran canaria with my mom recently and god ive missed their cuisine SO much. god yeah schools are like another dimension to me ngl. they work based on different rules then the rest of the world. AND AUUGHGH PAIN...... good luck with getting her on future reruns tho!!! same with being Totally Normal. and hey congrats on all that!!! i also ended up doing argentis quest and luckily didnt have time with fighting him thanks to clara who makes it extremely easy. generally shes always carrying me. finally got to trailblaze lvl 65 and i only have my clara team at lvl 80 rn so i should probs work on kafka etc but i hate grinding mats...... hell on earth. oh well. and yeah more or less!!! tho it also depends on the person and circumstances, as some people will get new authorities, some will kind of. get closer to their current one? and some people might even give up their herrscher authorities with time. but yeah honkai loves to retcon itself so its kinda blurry sometimes. I MISS EVERYONE TOOOOOO and i started watching reborn as a villainess some time ago but ah. didnt have time to continue. i ALSO started watching dunmesh and ALSO didnt have time to catch up with it but im SO excited for it bc ive only watched 3 eps but love it already. if you ever Do pick up the game then good luck!! its as brutal as it is fun to play. himeko protection squad forever....... i should finish penacony when i get the time and motivation. wasnt too interested in any chars at first but acheron stole my heart....... so would sparkle if she wasnt so Racist for no reason. yes seele Does have a good doggy aura SHDKFJKS even The Great Herrscher Of Sentience cant say no to her. shes so sweet and i love her. and yeah basically!!!! since theyre effectively all the protags, even if kiana is the "main" one. AND I WILL VERY EXCITEDLY TELL YOU LITERALLY ALL DURANDAL LORE AS I KNOW IT BY HEART BUT ALSO LITERALLY DONT HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO WRITE IT ALL DOWN RIGHT NOW SO ILL TRY TO GET THAT DONE BY YOUR NEXT MESSAGE. so well both have time to write our respective stuff. and oh polska gurom is a misspelled version of polska górą [since its pronounced almost the same] which more or less means poland on top. its used ironically most of the time and i LOVE saying it

[keishasknowledge]

Our Future Generation Crumpling? - KK.

One generation crumpled is equivalent to our world being crumpled.

I’ve had a discussion with a fellow friend of mine on how one’s environment could negatively influence a teenager’s life in plentiful aspects. Consequently, this discussion took a massive twist when I came across aghast headlines about the increasing suicide rates among teenagers, mental distress in education, and social influence. In an instant, it seemed like a dilemma that needed to be addressed as well as obtain the appropriate recognition, especially to the public viewers.

Before I proceeded to my observations and suggested measures to solve this “enormous” crisis, I had dealt with an episode likewise to this issue. As a student and daughter who takes account of a wide range of responsibilities, these were a spoke of the wheel for me to plan out events with my acquaintances. “I wanted to live like a normal person, but I hold tremendous obligations surrounding me like an optical illusion” — as I would like to say my typical mood was. I used to think if I was being too hard on myself, or if I would be in that distress as the students in those cases. But then it struck me like a lightning bolt, if I held these obligations, was I then molded by the environment and area that I was engrossed in every single day? Is it entirely my fault to sense that I was too occupied with my interests in life? I thus would like to answer this question straight to the point, with profound and insightful elaboration being made in addition to that.

We, as teenagers especially, tend to withdraw from our families and companions in the seasons of concentrating on our assessments, loitering around with several activities, and so on. By then, we do not have a complete acknowledgment of how balancing our time happens and may ask questions such as — “What exact procedures shall I take?”, “I never had a social life, how am I supposed to know?”. Generally speaking, this fundamental element of one’s life, or its commonly used sobriquet — “leisure time”, must be taught and explored further to other horizons. However, the fact that we don't have one could also lean towards the subject of where we've been placed. For instance, schools may give out daunting tasks for you to finish, leaving you with anxiety and distress. Our guardians may ask us to be more diligent and absorbed in one particular expectation of theirs, which actually may be sickening at times as we are just human-beings who sense curiosity with the world around us, not with the trauma of fitting into someone’s ideals.

According to the SCMP, the motive behind the scenes of the increasing rates of suicide is because of the transformation of post-pandemic life, which indicates that the “surroundings” bring out a large impact on a student’s life. Adaptation of post-pandemic life may not be the only source that delivers a sense of sorrow for students, but may also be for bullying or mocking incidents and so on and so forth.

On the other hand, wellness for a teenager is completely mishandled. The unfitting statistics and pie charts of certain psychological illnesses that one may possess, display that the understanding of mental health and counseling has not been deeply consolidated and learned from healthcare professionals, as teenagers could only achieve the so-called “temporary remedy” but have the trauma that sticks with them wherever they go. Noted from SCMP, healthcare professionals have paid close attention to the emotional needs of students and provided individual advice for healing. However, I suppose these aspects would not create a massive modification, especially with a “caught up and torn apart” student.

Putting all of these ideas into summary, we should have the acceptance that suggested solutions are not long-lasting, as we are being hauled to an imperfect life that has tornados and tsunamis along the way. This memoir I've written for today reflects on the 1960s prediction made where teenagers pointed out that by the 2010s to 2020s, life would be odious and a never-ending cycle of despair, all because of a world where the word “permanent balance and wellness” is never applicable to a teenager’s existence.

[madacademic]

Mad Academic: An Introduction

Hello, I’m Nicole (but you can call me Nic if you’d like), a queer, Mad, disabled, and chronically ill occasional part-time university student. And this, as you can probably tell, is my newsletter, Mad Academic. Though I’m not entirely sure where this Substack will end up, my current goal is to focus on assumptions in the areas of psychology and disability, as well as those assumptions’ impact on society as a whole. (Yes, that is purposefully vague. I don’t want to limit what I write here—at least not yet.) However, this project is just getting started, and I know there will be mistakes along the way. This will definitely be a learning experience for me, but stick around, and maybe you’ll learn something, too.

More About the Writer

I’ve never been the best at talking about myself, but here we go. Born pretty close to the East Coast in Northern Virginia, I grew up among the humidity and greenery, which heavily contrasts with the desert-like state I’m in now (New Mexico). I was also pretty close to Washington DC, a place I loved to visit.

I grew up unschooled for the most part. When I asked to try online school—and eventually in-person high school—my health problems, overwhelm, and lack of motivation got to me, making it so I never finished a semester, even if I just took one or two classes. I felt like a failure. Some might’ve called me lazy. Some might’ve called it the emergence of severe depression along with some other things. Some might’ve chosen a different lens and considered the ongoing trauma that began around that time as well as the fact that I never had much school experience. Maybe some would’ve gone even deeper and considered more societal implications. Me? I had no name or explanation for what was going on. I think I thought it was just part of me being weird.

Despite not doing well in anything school related, I took my first college course when I was seventeen. It was an introductory psychology course, and it actually went really well. However, I struggled with taking more than two or four classes for the most part. Back then, I would spend a lot of time on homework but almost always received grades of at least 100%. But, over the past few years, getting 100% on everything turned into either getting 100% on a project or not turning it in at all. The last time I took classes, it got to the point where I usually wouldn’t turn in assignments at all.

I started to identify what I’m going through as autistic burnout. As I’m close to starting my Master’s degree at this point, I really want to return at some point, but I’ve also heard of autistic burnout never really going away for some people. As much as I want to go back, my plan is to take things slow for now. I’m very lucky in that I can do that in the first place.

So what have I been doing during my break from school? I started doing some streaming and reading. (You can find my stream over here.) And from here on, I plan to do more reading and streaming, along with some writing, too, starting with this newsletter.

I consider myself disabled and have been diagnosed with multiple physical and mental disorders throughout my life. Though I used to care a lot about the DSM, ultimately memorizing the criteria for many disorders (it was a special interest, okay?), I’ve started to realize it’s limited and even harmful to people. (And now I often use my knowledge to bash it!) Today, I continue to learn about the effects of the psychiatric system on different individuals.

Why Bother Writing About This?

I’m writing about this because it feels important; impacts me; hopefully will inform others; and allows me to learn, evolve, and be corrected in this area of knowledge.

What to Expect

I’m not sure what exactly I’m going to post about other than my thought on issues that arise in psychology. Maybe there will also be some other societal topics—maybe some personal topics. But in the end, I’m hoping for it to keep the same theme while letting the newsletter evolve however it’s meant to evolve.

Overall, this is meant to be a place to post my finished (or almost finished) thoughts related to psychology, disability, and potentially all kinds of societal issues. I’m planning to do a lot more research in the future, which is why the future topics of this newsletter are partially to be determined. It all sounds like a mess. I know. I figured the fastest way to figure out what this newsletter should be about is to learn as I go. I guess we’ll see how that works out.

How often will I post? I’m hoping to start with one post on the first of each month. I’m also hoping to post at least one Instagram post a week, but that will be further figured out later. (For anyone who doesn’t know, my Instagram account is @madacademic.)

At the moment, this newsletter is entirely free, and it might stay that way. While there are paid options, those are just for giving further support to this project and do not affect which content you can access. If I ever change this, I’ll be sure to announce it.

[kewcreation]

Introduction

Art and Sobriety

I remember the day I picked up my camera because I needed something to do with my hands at my first family event sober. Anxious without a drink in my hand, I turned to something I knew I was comfortable doing. I didn’t know at that moment the impact of capturing group shots of my family members would spark the next chapter in my life.

“You really should think about a career in photography."

As a child I was surrounded by art; we had paintings by my Grandad, Tony Kew, in every room. Early on I had an appreciation for the beauty of the human figure. I’d look at his paintings and I wanted to be just like him, and I still do. I enjoyed the arts and I would receive approval from my peers.

Addiction began at a young age for me. I was in a military family with undiagnosed mental illness. High school was isolating as I was in alternative education. I graduated from adult high school at age 20, and went to college for general arts and science. I took interest in psychology with the idea of becoming a psychologist, meanwhile I was struggling with my own mental health and substance abuse. I was not creating art at this time. 

My Mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was in college. This took a toll on our family, and my addiction worsened. Scared for my Mom’s life I began to spiral behind closed doors. I dropped out of college.

My Mom recovered, and I started volunteering in pediatrics oncology as a way to give back. I finished college, and then started a position in patient transferring soon after. Working in health care taught me many things, including the value of health and wellness. Accompanying the sick put my life into perspective, but I was still in active addiction. I had a burn-out resulting in fatigue and chronic pain, a diagnosis of fibromyalgia. I did not know what my next steps were, but sobriety had to be the start.

My sobriety journey has been a challenging one, but it’s also been incredibly rewarding. Sobriety has given me a new perspective on life and has helped me see the world in a different light. I’m more present, focused, and more in tune with my emotions. I’ve learned to appreciate the small things in life and to find joy in the everyday moments. Sobriety has also given me the courage to pursue my dreams and to take risks that I never would have taken before. It has given me the strength to face my problems head-on and to deal with them in a healthy way. Most importantly, it has connected me to my roots as an artist.

After 7 months of sobriety I was diagnosed Bipolar Type 2. Receiving this diagnosis was the start of self acceptance and self forgiveness. It is something I will have to manage for the rest of my life, but with my sobriety, art, and loved ones, I am blessed.

I have done a lot of counselling and have attended many support groups. It wasn’t until recently I thought about using art of a tool of healing. Through art, I’m able to express my emotions and experiences in a way that words couldn’t. My inspiration comes from a variety of sources, including music, nature, and the people around me. I enjoy many mediums, including photography, drawing, painting, writing, and bass guitar. There is a feeling of comfort with room for improvement and growth, which sparks ambition in me. At 26 years old, I am currently enrolled for photography in college, and I am 16 months sober.

My dream is to capture my and the overall human experience through multi mediums. 

My hope for this blog is connection as well as creative expression. This is a safe space to share my work along with some thoughts. I hope there is some inspiration for you.

Much love,

Hannah

This post is dedicated in loving memory of Justin Blacklock. Loving son and brother, you will be missed.

[caitlynkruger-designs]

Perfectionism & Burnout

As the term is coming to an end burnout is a word that keeps popping up. I'm currently in a work, stress, and health psychology class so I'm learning all about burnout. I learned I am currently dealing with burnout right now. It's a lot. I was no stranger to procrastinating but this is on a whole nother level. As a Capricorn (/s) I deal with a lot of perfectionism. So on top of the burnout, I've also been feeling guilty. I tell myself I'll just try to take a quick 20 minute power nap but it's so hard to get up if I even end up falling asleep. Most of the time I spend the 20 minutes feeling guilty and worrying myself so much I end up staying up and taking another 20 minutes and so on.

I think there's a lot contributing to my burnout. I have an autoimmune disease and other chronic illnesses which lead to a lot of fatigue and brain fog. Being neurodivergent doesn't help. I'm also taking 5 classes compared to last term when I only took 4. Throughout this burnout and the process of dealing with it, I've learned that I really need to give myself a break. I don't always need to turn in work that is A+, sometimes it's better to just turn in work and get some sleep than stay up all night reading the same essay hoping something new comes to mind. I've been talking to a lot of students that have been at WSUV longer and they feel the same way.

You really have to make time for self-care, because if you don't your body will make you make time. Burnout is something that most students go through and it's important to deal with it before you get stuck in it. Over the summer my boyfriend's parents are taking us out of the state and I'm excited to get some birdwatching in. However, I can't wait till the summer to try to counteract my burnout. We have to try to find small things to do every day. I try to get in as much backyard birding as I can. Even if it's just staring out the window as I'm brushing my teeth. You have to find ways t o give yourself little breaks daily even if you can't leave the house.

Next term, I'm only taking 4 classes so I hopefully won't have so much on my plate. I want to turn in quality work and I still am but I know taking fewer classes will give me more time and energy to work on projects. I'll also only be going to classes M-Th and I'll have Fridays off. This term I'm taking a Friday class and although it's only a couple hours, I do miss having my Fridays clear for work or catching up on schoolwork. It's important to know the warning signs of burnout before you get there. As I setting into WSU and working I'm sure I'll pick up on my warning signs bor burnout and learn more coping techniques.