#I also quite frankly don't know how to start on a project like that myself and have minimal experience with actual concert going

[vagueconfusion]

y'know when Sleep Token debuted their new masks one of the theories was that the next album would be overall heavier in sound and while I'm up for whatever they decide to do I half hope it is just so that more people going to the rituals get the hint that they want pits and such at them

[imagitory]

I've never been more heartbroken in my life.

I was gobsmacked in 2016, don't get me wrong. I was devastated and frightened and shaken beyond words. I even had to go behind a wall and collect myself at one point that horrible November 9th, 2016, after colliding with a man wearing a red MAGA hat at work. A good chunk of us at work talked amongst ourselves about it, offering each other comfort.

But this? This is different. I could imagine dumb people making excuses for voting for Trump in 2016 -- saying that they thought a businessman would be good for the economy, saying that they wanted someone who wasn't a "Washington insider" like Hilary Clinton. Sure, it was stupid, but people can be stupid. Quite frankly, a lot of people are stupid, in this country and otherwise.

But now? Anyone who voted for Trump now has voted for a man who not only rounded up immigrants and put them in concentration camps separated from their families; bungled the response to COVID-19 so badly that the American death toll easily surpassed every other country on Earth; has poisoned the Supreme Court to the extent that they overturned years of precedence with Roe V. Wade and has basically given Trump cart-blanche to do whatever he wants while he's president; was the first president in history to refuse to concede on election day; was impeached for crimes in office not once but TWICE; was instrumental to and passionately supportive of the full-on attempted coup at the U.S. capitol on January 6, 2021 that could've very easily resulted in the deaths of his own Vice President and multiple members of Congress; has spoken glowingly of despots like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un and even said he will be "a dictator on day one" if elected again; has both used slogans originally used by modern American Neo-Nazis ("America First") and purportedly told one of his ex-subordinates that he wanted generals like Adolf Hitler's...but also has by the day proven more and more just how mentally inept, vindictive, and mean-spirited he truly is.

And unlike in his previous races, Trump is ahead in the popular vote too. We can't just blame this on the electoral college being antiquated and gerrymandered AF like in the Trump-Clinton or Bush-Gore elections. Even if all of the third-party voters in this country had grown a bloody brain cell and voted for Harris so as to show solidarity against Trump and his form of American fascism, it still somehow wouldn't be enough. We could potentially blame this on lower voter turn-out -- according to what I'm seeing so far, even with all the votes not counted in this race yet, it looks like there were far less votes cast this election than in the last one, though likely still more than the 2016 race. But even so, I don't think that's the only problem. I truly think there were just a lot of people who turned out en-masse to vote for Trump. And all I can think in regards to those people is...

This is beyond stupidity or even selfishness. This is cruelty. This is large swaths of people deciding that they want fellow American citizens to suffer -- because in their minds, if those people suffer, that'll somehow make them happy. This is a large chunk of America saying, "yeah, you know all that crap about 'liberty and justice for all'? Screw that, I want a 'strong man' to bully people different from me for my own amusement." And -- perhaps -- there's also an element of feeling like their vote doesn't really have any consequences for them, so why should they care if the man they voted for is a god-awful person? It's not like that man will hurt them.

I had hoped. I had hoped, seeing the outpouring of support from liberals, independents, and conservatives for Harris/Walz. I'd hoped, seeing how many ex-Trump appointees were standing up against him, how much people were shouting their disdain for Project 2025 from the rooftops, and how many women were protesting in the face of Roe V. Wade being overturned. I truly had started to hope that America would prove we'd grown beyond our country's own original sin -- how our United States preached freedom for all while still being built on the backs of slaves and refusing to grant a vote to over half their population -- by electing a smart, successful, charismatic woman of color who sees our country as great in potential and wants us to pursue that potential as our first female president, rather than backtracking all the slow progress we've made over the last 200+ years.

But now...my hope has faded. My heart is in pieces and the world is so dark. I hardly know how I'll function at work tomorrow, even if I know somehow, I have to try. We'll all have to stand somehow. Somehow, someway...we'll have to find the strength. We'll have to stand, and we'll have to keep moving forward, even when it feels like we're a Little Mermaid walking on knives.

We'll have to stand.

[suddencolds]

a personal milestone 🥳 + author's note

i finally made it 😭 (there is probably another 10k sitting in my drafts, but i have always tracked word count for this project as a sum of already-published installments)

also a (somewhat long) journal entry below:

—

This has been the main project in my life for almost two years, now (I started writing on 1.26.2023). It's my first proper attempt at a novel, and it's one of my first times ever posting original work anywhere 😭

It's hard to say how I feel now, perhaps because I feel too much.

Where to go from here? I considered dropping the series entirely before I hit the milestone because I was very tired. In a way, I felt like I had said everything I wanted to say. But I think I also love this series a lot more than I can properly verbalize.

To be completely honest, writing this series was so lonely. To work for so long on something that I could not show to nearly anyone irl (not family, not close friends, not peers, not strangers I met who I talked to about art); to spend hundreds of hours on something that I could only ever post to a small subset of people... all of that was very lonely. I'm sure other creatives have felt this way too.

And at the same time, hearing what people on snzblr thought became probably the most potent source of happiness in my life (is that pathetic? Maybe so.) I don't think this project was self-sustaining at all; I think to some extent, I wrote it because I wanted to hear people tell me that they liked it. I realize this is a terrible and unsustainable reason to create art, but that's the truth.

On some level, though, I kept writing because I loved Y+V. They've been at the forefront at my life for almost two years now 😭 I spent a long time teaching myself how to write them, and a lot of the themes & choices in the series are quite personal. Embarrassingly, I still want to talk about Y+V all the time.

When I posted to ask if I could send my unfinished/unpolished WIPs, some people reached out to offer to read them... and then I never sent anything over to anyone. I think a part of me could not get it through my head that people would be willing to read something completely unpolished, because... well, frankly, a lot of my drafts are just pretty unreadable; I typically only post things that I have already cleaned up. More importantly, I felt like sending my drafts to people—even people who had given me explicit permission to send them!—was selfish and troublesome.

On some level, I also felt the same about asking others to brainstorm with me: I felt like I was asking them a favor which I did not know how to pay back. Perhaps this is just another way in which I have been cruel/uncharitable to myself, but I never imagined people enjoying receiving my drafts. I could never convince myself that for those people, giving feedback/discussing ideas might not actually be a chore. I was always scared to make writing less of a lonely process because I could only think about how easy it would be for me to ask too much.

This is probably the most honest I've been about this particular subject 😭 I am not good at gauging what constitutes 'too much.' I feel like I can get carried away when someone expresses interest, so I try to preemptively position myself as someone who does not impinge on others... I think that even outside of this series, I have defaulted to this pattern of trying to give and trying not to ask. In that particular sense, I am perhaps to blame for my own loneliness.

Anyways! Recently, I've gone back to (tentatively) writing after months of not writing. I'm not sure if I will post another installment here (maybe if the drafts are 'good enough', I will?), but it's nice to write without worrying so much that what I am writing needs to be publishable/presentable.

If you have ever left tags/comments on my work, and you are reading this, I am grateful beyond words to you for keeping me company + for making me feel like what I was spending so much time on was a little more meaningful :') I always go back to reread them when I'm in need of encouragement. Thank you sincerely for the happiness. ❤️

[dalesramblingsblog]

In honour of an episode that seems consciously about the construction of narratives around fundamentally meaningless aspects of the universe, a Twitter conversation with one of my last remaining mutuals to survive the Muskening, lightly repurposed to serve as a singular, narrativised Tumblr post in a way it was never designed for.

Who says art is dead?

73 Yards was strange and haunting and not entirely comprehensible in a way that Doctor Who seldom manages.

I suspect it's one where personal tolerance for that sort of thing will make or break the episode, but I certainly think that, knowing this was Gibson's first filmed episode, she did a phenomenal job.

It was also, for me at least, a more generally successful invocation of the kind of eldritch horror implied by the Toymaker or the Maestro, largely by virtue of it giving itself room to be ambiguous.

I've seen the complaints about stuff like the PM being a blank slate, but I do rather feel like that might be the point. It's an episode all about perception and projection and narrativisation of a universe that can be cold and hostile and incomprehensible.

(And frankly, I'm starting to suspect that the whole of RTD2 might be about that on some level. "We see something incomprehensible and invent the rules to make it work" and all that. It's audacious and bold in a way that Doctor Who hasn't been in half a decade.)

And as someone for whom those themes really hit home a lot of the time, yeah, I loved it. I know I probably sound like a broken record but I am genuinely just having a blast with this latest series.

The worst thing Doctor Who can ever feel like for me is an obligation that I only keep up with out of a need to stay relatively current in writing about it, and that was what the Chibnall Era often boiled down to for me.

Part of the reason, in hindsight, I poured so much of myself into my book reviews was that the show itself was simply failing to excite me with the level of regularity necessary to keep me engaged.

Knowing that I can put on Doctor Who on a Saturday night and be reasonably well-entertained and intrigued is, frankly, enough for me, but I do think there are enough aspects of genuine quality that I'm not just blindly worshipping at the altar of a false idol or w/e.

I dunno, I think at the end of the day I'm just a big sucker for TV that makes sense to me on an emotional rather than logical level. It's why I'm a big fan of Twin Peaks, or the second season of Millennium, or hell even Masks over on TNG.

The episode had the general feel of one that will be quite important to the overall themes of the season, so I can't imagine it will linger in *complete* ambiguity forever (though honestly if it did I would kind of love that).

Like I wouldn't be surprised if we're building up to a similar time loop reveal wrt Ruby's general existence. The fact that we've now got at least three instances of her timeline being haunted by mysterious old women cannot possibly be coincidence.

(Well, it can be, but that way lies goblins, as we know.)

IDK, there's a strangeness to Davies' acknowledgments of mediality here that goes even beyond Moffat's usual tricks. Casting a recurring actress by the name of Susan Twist while conspicuously mentioning Susan for the first time in forever feels so on the nose that while I initially suspected we might be building to the return of Susan, I now feel like we're instead headed for something much weirder.

There is so much going on and so much to unpack and frankly I don't have any idea how it could possibly tie together but I'm fascinated.

And again, the fact that this episode was almost explicitly about the process of fans theorising as to what the hell is going on with the season makes me further suspect a rebuttal of theory-focused cult fandom is in the offing.

When I first watched Once, Upon Time in 2021, I commented that it felt like Chris Chibnall's attempt to do a big, bold, incomprehensible piece of television, something almost in the vein of Twin Peaks: The Return, Part 8 but for Doctor Who.

But it's revealing that the only thing he could really think to do was dump a bunch of Doctor Who lore and simply edit things out. He's a mystery writer in the most tediously literal sense of the phrase, creating gaps that feel like they were made with a hacksaw rather than feeling like any sort of deliberate lacuna.

And I'm sorry Chibnall fans, there are some Thirteen episodes that I do like, but when I look at an episode like 73 Yards... whatever its faults may be, and I'm pretty confident I don't actually believe it to be perfect, it is bolder and weirder than anything Chibnall ever wrote. This is the kind of television I want to watch, and I make no apologies for that.

It's a rare piece of Doctor Who which comes close to capturing that sheer, terrible splendour I felt watching a slow zoom into an atom bomb explosion while being serenaded by the Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima. And sure, it's still very far out from being quite that strange, but it retains a curious power nevertheless.

What a show.

[genericpuff]

Winter is Coming - Rekindled schedule adjustment and plans for next year!

So it's that time of year now when conventions, markets, and expos for next year are rolling out their submission periods. So far I've gotten accepted to attend the Atlantic Entertainment Expo again (both venues so two shows), MiraCon, and I'm gonna be attending not one, not two, but THREE tattoo expos ! Which is definitely a lot, but I'm excited, it's gonna be good publicity and good money :' ) I'm also gonna be applying to HalCon, Geekquinox, and Animaritimes again, I didn't get in on HalCon this year and didn't find out about Geekquinox until submissions were done (and I only got in on Animaritimes at the last minute when they were looking for people to fill in) but if I do get into any (or all) of those, I'll have to play the fun game of "make sure none of these events land on the same weekend" LMAO

All that's to say, it's gonna be busy next year! (and all of those are the ones I actually decided to apply to, there are ones I did this past year that I'm not planning on doing again because they just didn't turn out to be as good as I had hoped). Thankfully, none of this is starting up until spring, so I'm gonna enjoy the winter off and get to work on new stuff to sell. I'm really eager to get through the rest of [AFTERBIRTH], it's still got quite some time until it's done but my plan is to pitch Thread of Fate to publishers once [AFTERBIRTH] is finished - and if it's not able to get in with those publishers, then I'm gonna pursue other means in getting it published, either digitally or traditionally. Time Gate is a series I've been working on for well over a decade of my life, and it's not something I want to keep throwing to the wolves of free-to-read platforms like WT. As much as I love being able to offer it for free, I want it to be taken more seriously than being just another free to read comic and that starts with me and how I choose to distribute it.

Right now working on all these things is sort of limiting due to the fact that I'm stuck on my iPad, but I'm making it work as best I can and I'm hoping to have the new PC setup going by the end of the year running with a new tablet (currently shopping around between an XP-pen and Huion, I don't want to get a Kamvas 22 Plus again if it's gonna shit the bed in 2 years like this one did, apparently this is a common problem from what I've seen :/)

So yeah, with all that in mind, I'm planning on adjusting Rekindled's update schedule. While I did initially want to offer a poll for y'all to choose between "shorter updates once a week" and "full updates once every 2 weeks", frankly I'm erring more towards the "every two weeks" one because it'll give me more actual time and room to work on everything else. Not to mention (and I'm sure you've all noticed by now) that I have a very specific way that I structure many of these episodes so making them shorter would sort of ruin that rhythm. I don't want to be sacrificing the comic's quality, pacing, or narrative progression for a schedule adjustment.

This isn't going to be an immediate change, I'm thinking of doing this sometime in December so that y'all can have a decent amount of heads up before the switch. I know it's gonna be a little painful to go to a slower release schedule but ultimately I think it's the best way to go so that I can balance all of the projects I have going on without sacrificing quality. Rekindled may be a free to read non-profit project, but I still hold myself to high standards and I want to do my best to deliver on those standards !

Thank you all so much for your patience and support. It seriously blows me away to see all of the wonderful comments, asks, and support for what I do here every day. I'm gonna do my best as well to respond to asks in my inbox as they come in, but please just know I get a LOT of them on a regular basis, it's sort of a Hydra situation where I respond to 1 or 2 and then get 4 more LOL That said, rest assured that I do read and appreciate each and every one of them <3 That also includes essay posts about LO, with LO returning in November I'll surely have more stuff to say about it so I'm gonna try and keep up as best I can :' )

On a final note, we're coming up to the one year anniversary of when I started posting actual episodes of Rekindled!! I'm so excited for this, I can't believe it's been a year!! And I have so much awesome stuff planned for the story that we're gonna see throughout the next year, I can't wait! Thanks so much for being a part of this project with me, I couldn't have asked for a better audience <3

(P.S. everything I have lined up for next year is lining up with the dry period for FF XIV between Endwalker and Dawntrail so I won't have distractions until the summer LMAOO)

[drak0nis]

Recovery is hell, and the Final War left more than just physical scars. Class 1-A, now 2-A, returns to U.A. battered and forever changed, yet whole. In the calm following the storm, Bakugo seeks to make amends in earnest. After all, he still plans to be number one, and he’s learned a win for a friend or ally often translates into a win for him, too. And while he, Midoriya, and many others won the war, they lost in many smaller ways, too. A school year in which most of their practical training is replaced by community outreach and other less glamourous aspects of hero work is about to begin. While Bakugo, Midoriya, and Class 2-A work to help the people and places around them rebuild and recover, they also work to help each other.

hey. been quiet for a little while here, huh. life's been kinda tough. i won't go into the details, but i allude to it a little in the notes of the above new fic.

i'm still working on sulphur and starlight, but i'm getting a little burnt out. i have, very quietly, been a giant nerd for my hero academia since like... 2016? think i started reading when the first season of the anime had just finished? anyway, i buckled down and got all caught up recently after a little hiatus to let it finish. and then decided i had to Write A Fic About it. hope you like bakugo because this is about him. if you don't, well, i guess that's too bad. i'm not involved in this fandom or fandom in general, i don't know where the needle's at these days. im 30 or 40 years old and i don't need that drama. i'm just writing stuff and putting it on the internet. canon-compliant, sort of a retelling of 424-429 from bakugo's pov leading into post-429 stuff about bakugo, midoriya and pals at U.A. for their second year and how that goes (it's complicated. you don't just go through All That and leave normal about it)

it's rated Teen but mind the tags as always, yknow. shipping's only a small part of this fic but like. look. i'm a highly critical reader. i analyze and rub my braincells together. there is no heterosexual explanation for some of the shit going on in this series man. i was gonna say "don't like don't read" but clearly something changed in this fandom in the past 9 years or whatever because i looked at how many works were under bakugo/midoriya on ao3 for the first time in ages a few weeks ago and just about shat myself in shock. anyway its mostly a bakugo character study

i enjoyed writing it, hope you enjoy reading it. or don't! just keep it to yourself if it's the latter. peace PS i write my fics entirely by hand before typing them pretty much solely for the purpose of posting them because, quite frankly, i hate writing on the computer. so of course, i did what needed to be done

[phantomspren]

Okay so now the question is how long can I hold out before starting to listen to TMA for the third time.

I just finished relistening and I. I love it so much.

And I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I think I'm going to switch my major from anthropology to media production. Because of this podcast.

My end goal has always been to write. Since I was like eight. That's what I've wanted to do. But you gotta have a day job! And unfortunately I am not interested in anything that would make any money so I decided to major in anthropology.

And I genuinely love it so much.

I've also been working as a stage tech for the last year, and love that as well, I love the technical aspect of performances and things like that. I genuinely would not mind doing that for a living. (I mean it's a lot of moving furniture around but it's also super cool beyond that.)

But. I was listening to the Q&A episodes this summer at work. And they were talking about sound design and the production of the show. And I thought that sounded. Really fucking fun.

And I've. Done sound stuff for live shows. I know the basics of that. I can set up mics and know the basics of how to make them work good! I love it.

I think I'd love audio editing.

And if I went into audio stuff. I could work on all sorts of things. There's audio in everything.

It would also be a much better way to get into a writing gig of some sort. My backup would be directly related to what I want to devote myself to. And if it didn't work I'd still probably love it and get to work on cool things.

(I mean most people who see this have probably seen me talk about it on Discord but I just want to talk about it cause I'm thinking about it and have started classes and stuff.)

So not only is this a top tier piece of media for me, but also it may have just totally changed my career path. By pointing out something I already enjoy and saying "you can do this with stories, not just concerts and lectures."

I'm taking some intro journalism courses this semester (the journalism program at my school has a film and media production emphasis), and at the moment it's really rough. I love social sciences and am quite frankly really good at them, so it's a total shift from taking a 400 level anth class last semester as a freshman to intro writing classes as a sophomore with a bunch of freshmen. I'm really going to miss anthropology. (I also switched schools so that's impacting things.)

But I'm looking at the media production classes and the script writing class and podcasting class that I can take in the future and I'm getting so excited. I'm also considering taking an acting class next semester, which I never would have done before I considered the fact that I could make my own projects. I am not limited just to writing.

It's been wild.

I'm hoping I get through this semester alright. My creative writing class will keep me sane, hopefully. :p

But yeah.

Yeah.

I'm excited. :)

Also ERKJHSEKLRJHSELRGHSLEKRJGESRHKLJSGH MAGNUS

Protocol finale on Thursday too, it'll be fucking wild.

Also I'm cosplaying season two Jon at FanX on Friday and season three on Saturday so I may post pictures of that if it turns out alright.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

[authoralexharvey]

INTERVIEW WITH A WRITEBLR — @andromedaexists

Who You Are:

Andromeda || He/they

I am a student in undergrad with a Classics major and two minors in Latin and Attic Greek that likes to write!

What You Write:

What genres do you write in? What age ranges do you write for?

Fantasy, Horror, Tragedy. New Adult and Adult

What genre would you write in for the rest of your life, if you could? What about that genre appeals to you?

Tragedy 100%

What genre/s will you not write unless you HAVE to? What about that genre turns you off?

High Fantasy. I do write fantasy, but the world of high fantasy are just something that I cannot figure out on my own. I'm also very particular on what high fantasy I will read because of how hard it is for me to keep everything straight.

Who is your target audience? Do you think anyone outside of that would get anything out of your works?

I think my ideal target audience is the social outcasts. I write for the queers, the country folk, and disabled folk. Honestly now that I put it like that, I write for myself and people like me. People that have been overlooked for far too long in media in my opinion.

What kind of themes do you tend to focus on? What kinds of tropes? What about them appeals to you?

I focus a lot on expressing emotion and anger in my writing. My stories tend to revolve around characters who are angry for one reason or another. Icarus is angry about his abuse under the ATLAS program, Kit is angry about the lies that the church has spread for centuries and the fact that they kept a God chained in the basement, Ash is angry that he opened himself up to love only to have it taken from him too early. These themes drew me in and kept me captive for so long now that they became my home. I think it originally started because I am autistic and was raised without that knowledge. As a country kid who doesn't quite grasp what's socially appropriate, you end up being pigeon-holed and told that the only appropriate emotion is anger. I have spent a long time unlearning this, but good lord is there a lot to be angry about in life and this is how I get to express it. Anger and hatred run rampant in my stories alongside other themes and tropes. I am quite fond of found family and every piece of writing I produce does contain that to a certain extent.

What themes or tropes can you not stand? What about them turn you off?

I cannot stand the common trope of older person with a barely legal lover. It is very 'popular' in literature right now and I just cannot stand it. It creeps me out, frankly. Like, why couldn't they find a lover their own age? Or, better yet, why not just write the older lover as someone with a reasonable age for the main character? Why does he have to be hundreds or thousands of years old? Why couldn't he be in his twenties, too?

What are you currently working on? How long have you been working on it?

I have a couple projects under my belt at the moment. My biggest project is Call Me Icarus, the book that introduced me to the writeblr community in the first place! It is a tragedy following Icarus as he takes a look behind the curtain of the Elysian Program and sees the disgusting framework that he was disillusioned to. Now the only thing on his mind is bringing down the program and the entire ATLAS corporation. Will he be able to when the world seems set against him? Who knows! I sure don't, I haven't written that far yet😅 My next project is Desecrate, a novella exploring the idea of a slight change in history and the creation of the Catholic Church. Basically, what if there were two gods instead of just one and we chained the God of the Material in the basement? My final project is just a collection of short stories. I plan on writing a short story every month this year to just keep myself writing. So far, I have Death Comes For Us All, a short story about grief and losing a loved one. This month (February) will be a retelling of Orpheus & Eurydice's myth!

Why do you write? What keeps you writing?

I write because I want to. Honestly, I write because I had an idea for a story I'd like to read and realized that no one else was going to write it. When I tell you that I am going to read and re-read Call Me Icarus so many times when I publish it. I am so excited!

How long have you been writing? What do you think first drew you to it?

I have been writing on and off my entire life, but once I entered high school and college it switched strictly to academic and scientific writing. As far as creative writing goes, I did Power of the Pen in middle school (A competition where we had an hour to hand-write a story from scratch). I didn't pick up creative writing again until last year when I started Call Me Icarus.

Where do you get your inspiration from? Is that how you got your inspiration for your current project? If not, where did the inspiration come from?

I get inspiration from everywhere. I like to write about the modern times, and take my inspiration from wherever I can. However, the way I do this is through a lens of the past. With my major being in Classics, I tend to read a lot of ancient stories and documents. These tend to give me interesting ideas and perspectives on today's issues that I end up putting on paper!

What work of yours are you most proud of? Why?

I am extremely proud of Call Me Icarus so far. It has been a roller coaster, but I am extremely proud of how well I am managing to get down exactly what I am thinking. As far as actually published works, I am proud of Death Comes For Us All. IT is a hard read, as it is supposed to be, but it is written well and makes you feel. Do I know what it makes you feel? No, I can only speak for myself. But more me, I am able to feel Ash's anger and sadness when I read the story.

Have you published anything? Do you want to?

Kinda? I put Death Comes For Us All up on my Ko-Fi, but it's technically not publish truly yet. I plan on publishing it officially in an anthology at the end of the year. I do want to be published. I was looking at Nathrheim Publishing here on Tumblr as a home for Call Me Icarus since it would fit well there, however I am now looking at other publishing houses. I want to traditionally publish, but I am also open to self publishing if I can't find a home for my works for any reason (the trans main character. That's going to be the biggest hurdle). (ALEX: It's been over a year since I collected this interview and now CMI has been published!!)

What part of the publishing process most appeals to you? What part least appeals to you?

I am looking forward to the design aspect. I have ideas for what I want the cover of CMI to look like, but I am obviously no artist. I am really looking forward to what an actual artist can do with it! I just really love the idea of giving someone my book and being like "what visual image to you think encompasses this story". I wanna see what all people come up with! One the other hand, though, I am not looking forward to editing. I tend to become… set in my ways. I like what I write and don't take criticism well (unless I specifically ask for it). I know this is something that I will have to get over and deal with, but I have heard horror stories of editors basically changing a story through the editing process and I Do Not Want that.

What part of the writing process most appeals to you? What part is least appealing?

Ironically my favorite part of the writing process is editing. Like, everything is down on paper and I get to polish it and make it into exactly what I want! What isn't there to love about that! Going in hand with that, my least favorite part of the writing process is the writing. I have a thing where my brain gets really upset if what I write isn't perfect right out the gate. This makes it difficult to just get the story out! Some recent advice that I'm trying to take to heart though is the idea that the first draft is just to get the idea on paper, the second draft is to transcribe it into your language of choice (for me, English).

Do you have a writing process? Do you have an ideal setup? Do you write in pure chaos? Talk about your process a bit.

🤣 now that's a funny question, Alex. My writing process is "Open Scrivener and stare at the same three words until I get tired and go to bed". I am trying to establish a better process, but it's really hard. I have a tendency to actually write when I'm not supposed to, so I keep Scrivener open now and write in the down times between classes or during 'mandatory meetings'. As far as a setup goes, I've got it good. I have three monitors and a laptop as well as a desktop (thank you work). I have Scrivener on both, so I can type in my good good work setup as well as anywhere else I wanna write. In the warmer months I tend to sit out on my balcony and write or take my laptop with me down to my little nook on the river. It's wonderful! I feel like "Writing in pure chaos" is the perfect way to explain my writing method. As you know, one of the quotes I live by is "Be the Chaos you wish to see in the world" and my writing is no different. I live and thrive in chaos!

Your Thoughts on Writeblr:

How long have you been a writeblr? What inspired you to join the community?

I have been in writeblr for about 6 months. I originally joined when I asked my at-the-time studyblr if I should write a novel. From there, writeblr found me, abducted me, and bribed me to stay with good company and amazing reads!

Shout out some of your favorite writeblrs. How did you find them and what made you want to follow them?

oooo there's so many! Well, first on the list is you! You were one of the first writeblrs to find me and actually talk to me and I will always appreciate that! I'm going to do this sort of rapid-fire, because there are so many wonderful people I have met on here! let's start with @writingpotato07, who is just so kind and supportive all the time! There's also @crypticcodexcreations, @smol-feralgremil, @writteninstarlight, @lockejhaven, @inkspellangel, and @witherednightmare who I would describe as my closes friends on this side of the internet! There's also @wildjuniperjones (one of my writeblr parental units), @the-finch-address (and fleet two, both of y'all are amazing and great to have as friends), @artbyeloquent, @howlingbreeze, @flowerprose, and so many more! honestly too many to list out!! A lot of these people found me first, and all of them have amazing wips and great personalities that keep me following them!

What is your favorite part about writeblr?

I really like the community. I have run into an issue as of late with certain people, but even with that damper the community is still just so accepting and loving. I have met amazing people through here and hope to meet many more in the future!

What do you think writeblr could improve on? How do you think we can go about doing so?

I think we need to work on not attacking each other. I have seen too many people take just one line of a multi paragraph post and twist it to fit their perceived "wrong" and then use it against others. I firmly stand against doing that, especially now that I have been on the receiving end of it. I think we collectively need to do better about reading a person's whole post and understanding that not everything is a personal attack, sometimes things are just worded wrong in the heat of emotion.

How do you contribute to the writeblr community? Do you think you could be doing more?

I like to participate in events and send asks to people! I also post my own writing and do my best to reblog other's writing and encourage them. I don't think there is anything more I could be doing, I know there is. I can always be more present and just do better at being here and being happy and encouraging. However, I am just a human and am trying my darndest!

What kinds of posts do you most like to interact with?

Lore posts! I love learning about other people's lore!

What kind of posts do you most like to make?

I like sharing my writing and making shitposts about my characters

Finally, anywhere else online we may be able to find you?

I am technically on twitter still, tho not really. I do have a tiktok @/andromedatalks that I plan on starting up again! Other than that, not really. i just like my anonymous corner of the internet over here lol

[transentiencestudios]

School on Tuesday / changes to Patreon/Substar

Greetings, everyone.

I wanted to give you a (somewhat) brief update on our project and future plans moving forward. School begins again on Tuesday, and the next three months will be spent studying for an exam. We are quick learners, so it shouldn't be too tough, but depending on how obnoxious the professors become, content production may slow down slightly (but knowing myself, I work much more efficiently under pressure, lol). I'm currently finishing up concept art for the first comic chapters, and we wanted to begin working on it as soon as school started. We are fortunate to be able to use our iPads at school, allowing us to continue focusing on art and literature while away from home.

In any case, in order to avoid overloading myself with work, I will now only post to Patreon and SubscribeStar every two weeks. Throughout that time, we will continue to submit content to our Discord server. Upload schedules will become more frequent again if we can afford to freelance sooner rather than later.

Our Lore Wiki is still in the works. I'm putting together the site from scratch using a website builder, and we appreciate your patience for it a lot. <3 Our texts need a bunch of refinement, and we'd like to provide content when it's 99% ready.

We would be even more grateful for any kind of financial support, as this may effectively become our part-time or full-time work once we graduate in two years. There is a huge backlog of content on our Patreon and Substar, so feel free to check in whenever you like. For just 5€, you get access to pretty much everything we've done so far.

That being said (and it has to be said), we're taking a massive risk with all of this, as we cannot ensure if people will enjoy our project, but as the expression goes, "no risk, no fun," right? And this far it seems rather promising for how little we have to show currently... but there will be more substance to our universe once the website is up and running. We've gotten quite far within one year, and we both feel like we should've started way earlier than that, but it cannot be helped. It's both a kind of marathon and passion in one, which... don't always go hand in hand, but we're trying our best—as much as we hate coming across as pushy elaborating all of this.

Especially now, if you can support artists, please do. A lot of them will lose or have already lost their jobs to AI, and this scheme will only increase as time goes on. It's simply the reality of things. A lot of people don't realize that creatives are just like any other workers—but function a bit differently in their heads than, say, someone working on computers. It's two entirely different universes, and we frankly never see us working as anything else but creatives, as that would break us. It's simply what we were born to do. Autism and other mental hurdles also make working at a company much harder, and nobody there cares for your mental wellbeing, no matter if you're an artist, designer, coder, or builder. Without art, there wouldn't be humanity. As shrimple as that.

We'll probably need to look into some form of investor who can assist fund aspects of the project regardless if our tip jars don't work out, and we have like zero experience with it. At first, I'll try to keep us afloat through commissions, though, until we find better solutions. Every investor has some kind of catch, and we'd like to avoid that as much as possible, be it for copyright or repayment reasons. Being independent seems to be the only way to avoid going into any kind of trouble at all these days. All companies want to use people in one way or another. We're... quite scared of what the future will hold for us, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual with a lot of people.

In any case, here are the links if you're interested in either of them: https://www.patreon.com/c/transentience_studios https://subscribestar.adult/transentience https://discord.com/invite/U2UkUJ2YsN

That's all for now. Bit longer than expected- If you made it this far, thank you for reading and all the love. And as always, stay safe, everyone.

- Eight

[ode-to-odes]

RPG Review: Journey of 1000 Zips

Well... if it's listed on itch as an RPG, then that's what it is... right?? In any case, this was one of the evenings I've ever had. Truly spectacular.

To play this game, you open 1000 nested zip files. Every file is numbered, so you can see how far you have left to go, and occasionally Elliot (@morebluebs) has left a comment in a file name. It's a dialogue between two people slowly losing their minds, in a way.

I spent two hours of my life on this game, and to be completely honest, I wish I hadn't. I also think Elliot wishes he hadn't made it, so at least all's fair in love and zipped files. This "game" is only for those with immense hubris and a growing to-do list filled with tasks they don't want to complete. That said, I'd rate it a 10/10 if I were a rating type of woman, which I'm not.

In order to keep myself sane, I took notes on the thoughts going through my mind as I played this game. Read under the cut to witness my descent into madness. Perhaps that will be enough to deter you from playing it yourself.

File 999. Let's do it.

950. I appreciate the title. Hoping for more of these as we keep going

900. No, it wasn’t that bad. I don’t know why I’m not listening to music while I do this. Perhaps I intuitively understand that this needs to be done in as boring an environment as possible.

899. okay

819. AH!

801. wouldn’t open. I’ve been opening these within each other, so I assume 200 nested files is the limit on my laptop. I moved file 802 to be by itself in my downloads folder and tried again. 801 opened. Huzzah, and the journey continues.

I also can’t believe this took Elliot over a year to make this. I assume this was a boredom and procrastination project. Kudos for ever finishing it tbh

800. I know. I’m doing it anyway

750. doesn’t have a comment in the file name. I didn’t realize I’d started to look forward to the names ever fifty files. Disappointed, I carry on.

743. I see we’re being unpredictable. Does the creator know that by making the opening of each file a gamble, opening these becomes more fun? Belatedly I realize that the opening of file 750 marked a quarter of the journey. Am even more disappointed op didn’t say anything to commemorate this moment.

700. I lost the ability to quit when I opened the first file. I’m committing to the bit. Fuck you.

650. once again, no mid-hundred title. I’m taking this moment to comment that as I do this, my sister is sitting next to me watching a frankly terrible horror movie. I am, I think, ashamed to say I find this activity more enjoyable.

627. Divisible by three, but not by nine.

608. Huzzah! My sister has decided to skip ahead in her movie because it’s boring her. I cannot do the same for my chosen entertainment tonight.

607 is empty. I tried opening it again. 607 2 is also empty. Migration attempt incoming.

Second migration of the night worked. continuing on. While I can’t say I’m enjoying this anymore, I’m glad that this does in fact appear to be 1000 nested files. I would never forgive Elliot if it ended prematurely

600. Don’t ask me to explain my decisions.

564. Elliot, do you feed on the part of my soul that I’m losing while playing this?

525. What does carpal tunnel feel like?

499. I feel nothing.

492. My sister asked me what I was doing. I explained to her. She asked me why I was doing this. I told her I didn’t know. She said nothing and then left. About as much of a response as I could’ve hoped for

461. Hey now. I could have done any number of things to procrastinate. You’re not special, Elliot.

432. Also divisible by three. Obviously I’m not listing every number divisible by three. But it just occurred to me here. As long as I’m taking a break from clicking, I’m going to move from the kitchen to my bedroom now that my sister has finished her movie and gone to bed. My wrist won’t stop cracking.

40 minutes later and I’m back at it.

425. In anticipation of the next file failure, I migrate this one earlier. plus if there’s a comment on 420 I can enjoy it unimpeded by the 200 file limit

407. A number that feels like it should be prime but isn’t

351. This isn’t getting any easier. However, it isn’t getting harder, either. That forty minute break did wonders for the one wrist muscle I’m using to do this.

333. Roughly 2/3 of the way there, although obviously not exactly. I think it would be an interesting psychology study to see how different people react to having to do this.

321. favorite one so far, definitely made me smile

294. Some people could probably find it in them to quit now.

284. I believe it. Why would you make this. Just to prove you could? Was 1000 the maximum files you could nest, or could you have kept going? Maybe one day we’ll have a sequel and it’ll just be 2000 files. I’d probably play that too. I don’t know why. But I think I would.

260. Another migration. This was definitely less than 200 files, but whatever. Will migrate again at 100 for the auspiciousness.

250. 75% done. I started this an hour and forty minutes ago. 100 minutes ago. So probably half an hour left. It feels like it should be less.

219. If I told my mom about this, she’d probably tell me that downloading things like this off the internet is a one way trip to getting malware on your computer. While I trust itch.io strangers much more than she does, can you imagine explaining that to the person you hire to fix your computer? “Yeah, I downloaded a file off the internet. It contained 1000 zip files nested within each other. I opened every single one and then the last one had this gnarly virus.” Like,,,,, you’d really be bringing that upon yourself. My friend hopes the last file contains something; he predicts the game of thrones shame gif. While I’d appreciate a fun little image, I fully expect there to be nothing except the last file just being called something like “you did it. Congrats on the most pointless accomplishment ever” well. Back to it

198. Elliot, if you had to go through the pain of making this, some of us might as well go through the pain of playing it.

175. I realized I forgot to point out 197, which is the Pokédex number for umbreon, my favorite Pokemon. home stretch.

135. I’m obviously tired. I did the math all wrong. Forgot to subtract the forty minutes I spent not doing this. This began at roughly 8:40 PM. It’s 10:34. So 1 hour 54 minutes minus forty. 74 minutes to open 865 files. Those numbers aren’t nice enough for me to do mental math, but I think I’ll be done in like ten minutes. Lets go!!

117. marks the first time the zipped file had a comment. Before this you had to unzip the file to see the comment. Which begs the question, is this something Elliot changed partway through, or will this be the only time it happens? I guess we’ll see.

I also realized 111 will be the last time we have repeating digit in a 3 digit number. 999 was the first… how far we’ve come.

111!!!! I feel like Elliot a bit. Is anyone going to read this? Am I screaming to the void?? Par for the course, I suppose.

100. Zipped file also has the comment. Clearly Elliot didn’t know how to do it differently at first. Anyway. Time for the final migration!

85. Seeing 2-digit numbers is jarring after all this time.

69 nice.

40. You know what would be so fucking funny? If we got to file 1 and it was labeled 1000 and then there were 1000 more files. I know Elliot didn’t do this - he doesn’t have it in him. But it would be so fucked up. I think that would make me quit. 1000 is enough

19. My favorite number. I can’t believe this is almost over.

2. This is it.

[vox-off]

what started as a way to pass the time while miserably sick for two weeks has become a new hyperfixation and i have catapulted myself face first into the wayhaven chronicles and i wanna yell about my detectives under the cut

Eilidh is reserved, kind in action if not in affect, patient, logical, soft-spoken, and iron-willed. Her backbone makes steel seem doughy. Her resolve is unshakable. She is the older sister of Det. Cameron Fox. She joined the Wayhaven PD for something mentally engaging to do. She is wildly intelligent and gets Weird when she doesn't have a puzzle to solve; once she has one, she's a dog with a bone. She feels intensely but privately; to see - or, more accurately, to be shown - what Eilidh is feeling is a surer sign of trust than anything else. Though she experiences emotions intensely, she is able to let them go. She is without artifice and almost without ego; she owns her mistakes, but does not dwell on them. Beyond her very small circle of beloved people, she cares very little what others think of her. She did not believe in soulmates until Adam; she has never wanted anyone as badly as she wants him, has never loved as fiercely as she loves him, but will not settle for anything less than all-in. She has no intention of waiting for him to get his head out of his ass, but also knows she will never find his equal. There is no getting over Adam du Mortain, there is only learning how to live with him at arm's length. Besides her brother, Mason is Eilidh's best friend, full stop. She loves Tina and Verda, but she knows they oftentimes wish she were different, more open, warmer. Mason is the first to not only accept but respect her for who she is, no changes imagined or required. She is slow to anger and uses violence only when her hand is forced, but heaven help you if you touch her brother. Neither Fox sibling has a good relationship with their mother. Eilidh sees Rebecca as little more than a stranger. Rebecca projects acceptance onto Eilidh's stoicism and Eilidh does not trust Rebecca enough to be emotionally honest or demonstrative with her. In turn, Rebecca does not know Eilidh well enough to recognize the difference.

in my blorbo headspace, my two detectives are siblings, they both work for the wayhaven PD, and they both have the blood mutation. rook died just after cameron, the youngest, was born. i'm handwaving the probable police policy against siblings working together in a professional capacity because, quite frankly, i don't care enough about police procedure to portray it accurately. also if their mother can be their agency liason/handler, their sibling can be their partner in (solving) crime. also also vampires exist, we're already firmly in unrealistic territory

Detective Eilidh (AY-lee) Fox - Intimidating/Cautious/Genuine/Stoic/Stubborn. 34 y/o. 5'9. Dark brown hair, grey eyes. Highest skill: Deduction.

Cameron is passionate, combative, irreverant, loyal, has unrepentant problems with authority, and is a little bit of an asshole. He is the younger brother of Det. Eilidh Fox. He joined the Wayhaven PD as an alternative to prison and despite it being what landed him in hot water in the first place, he still punches first and asks questions later, if at all. His sarcasm is a bulwark for his soft spots, of which there are many, the biggest being his sister. The only thing quicker (and sharper) than Cameron's wit is his anger. He is possessive in such a way it backfires into heroics: you mess with his people or his town, you'd better have an excellent exit strategy, for hell hath no fury like a pissed off Cameron Fox. He is in a Something with Mason. Like Mason, Cameron doesn't do complicated; he prefers one night stands and flings without expectations of commitment. Bobby was his last attempt at a real relationship, and it ended disastrously. He and Mason have the same general ineptitude with feelings and the recognition of them. Cameron is stupid gone for Mason and is absolutely clueless about it, right up until he isn't, at which point he tries very hard to be clueless again; the only thing more terrifying than what he feels for Mason is the possibility of Not Having Mason. Come hell or high feelings, he will not rock this boat. He wouldn't consider himself super close with anyone in Unit Bravo besides Mason, but if he had to choose a second favorite, it would be Felix. In Rebecca's absence, Eilidh raised him and he would kill - and die - for his sister. Neither Fox sibling has a good relationship with their mother, but of the two, Cameron is more openly hostile to Rebecca. Cameron felt Rebecca's absence less, as Eilidh stepped into the caregiver role without second thought; his anger at Rebecca is for the burdens Eilidh had to bear in her stead.

Detective Cameron Fox - Charming/Impulsive/Sarcastic/Stoic/Even split Easy-going and Stubborn. 31 y/o. 6'3. Golden blond hair, dark blue eyes. Highest skill: Combat.

[inqilabi]

I've started dating... intentionally lol. I've been single for 8 years. And if we're being technical and precise, then my entire life. The last time I dated was 6 years ago. And that was only a total of 10 dates or so, and I saw 5-6 people. And decided to stop because I realized I wasn't ready to share myself in any capacity with anyone. I also struggle to connect with my dates in the specific manner I wished to experience. Quite frankly, the latter is still an issue. I've only ever been interested in one person in my entire life so far. And I've practically been single my whole life because I wasn't even interested in anyone in highschool or uni.

And I've been trying to figure out what changed now because up until last summer, I had decided that I was going to do life solo. I didn't think anything would change in my desires. I didn't think I would feel that desire to share myself with someone. So I decided that if I wanted kids, I would adopt as a single woman. And I was looking into laws around adoption from Pakistan. May be a sperm bank if I was feeling bold & wanted to be pregnant which is unlikely. I was looking into the psychology of sperm bank babies and how they feel about their lives etc, and thinking about whether this was ethical or not from the child's perspective

i understand myself really well, why I do certain things. Why I feel certain things. But this part eludes me tbh. I don't know why I've kept myself single so long. I mean it's so ridiculous I think to go without crushes or interests that it had me questioning my sexuality

When people use to ask me why I don't even date, I truly had no other answer than I don't feel like being with anyone. And this one friend, who is now an ex-friend lol I've talked about her before. Anyway she mentioned how she doesn't understand my demeanor or approach because the desire to be with someone was very strong for her. So she would have 4 dates every weekend. She treated finding a partner like a serious project.

I also don't know why I've rejected perfectly decent people that have been interested in me. I guess because I wasn't ready at the time. But I don't know why things have shifted now when I wasn't really expecting them to.

I do know that I would be okay to go at things alone still, largely because I've been alone for so long and because the desire to be with someome still isn't something that completely consumes me. It wasn't on my mind in the last 6 years, not even a little bit. If I think about the length of this time, that's a lot of days, a lot of years where I would just go about my days - sharing them with no one, talking to no one at all, flirting with no one, routine and all. But since things shifted now even this bit, it scares me - what if this is a desire that one day starts to consume me?

[hoghtastic]

It's me again. I'm the one who wrote the ask about feeling ridiculous about feeling hurt about Alex & Johanne being together/possibly living together.

To the anon who thinks I was making fun of the other anons here & mocking you guys or "usuing a different angle," you can feel how you want, but I was honestly being serious. I did use some of the same words & phrases that a lot of you guys have used to describe what you call a "stan" on purpose & I started out putting it in quotations but I figured it wouldn't be necessary for all of them that I mentioned. I wasn't doing that to try to make myself look better or "claim" anything. I was doing exactly what the admin said-I felt like these descriptions describe me to a certain degree BUT I do not feel like I am a stan. I can think for myself, I don't follow the crowd, I don't kiss ANYONE'S a$$, & even if I "like someone" (Johanne for example), I have no problem saying if I disagree with with something they've said or done. Anything I say or do is because I feel like it's right & not because I think I may gain something from it. And that's the exact point of my original ask. I know that if I were to post lovey dovey posts of the two of them that it's not getting me anywhere with either of them. I also know if I posted something calling her out on her BS, it's also not gaining me any props from anyone here who disagrees with how she's represented herself. And when I say I'm usually smarter than this, I meant it. I feel rather intelligent but obviously not brilliant & I know I have lots I can still learn in this lifetime. However, something about this ridiculous feeling I have when it comes to Alex makes me feel very F@%KING insane! And I, otherwise, feel like I'm definitely not! So I hope you can understand, I'm seriously NOT trying to make you or anyone else feel like I'm trying to talk negatively about you in some sort of sincerely twisted way. I'm seriously here, pouring my heart out, because I don't know anyone in my personal life who would even understand WTF I'm even talking about, let along be able to give me any suggestions.

Now, to the admin, wow! Your response sincerely moved me & really brought tears to my eyes! I know very little about parasocial relationships & have only heard about it in relation to this Fandom (go figure) so thank you for linking the article (that I haven't yet read but will) & for your feedback. I am usually pretty self aware & I think that's exactly what is freaking me out because I know, from the mixed feelings I've been having lately, that something is CLEARLY very off for these types of things to be bothering me but at the same time, not bothering me. Does that make any sense? Lol I know better. Yet, I can't control it. I try. I discuss this with the one friend in the Fandom that I have but I've still come up with no real explanation. And you, my dear, sweet knowledgeable admin, have given me lots of food for thought & I thank you! Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I don't quite think I need professional help just YET lol but I definitely see that almost anything could tip that cup in that direction quite easily. And just so you & anyone else who MAY feel a bit concerned, know, I'm NOT at risk of doing anything stupid like hurting myself {or anyone else lmao} due to all these ridiculous issues. I love me way too much. It's just that I recognize some of what I've been feeling isn't really that "normal," & when I've searched deep within & asked myself why it's happening, I have been unsuccessful. I'm happy to hear this can be something that others experience, too, because quite frankly, I sometimes feel SO D*MN alone! I do know there's some good from all of this because I have made a bond with the friend I mentioned above because of Alex.

I guess, ultimately, my issues really have nothing to do with Alex, his life, his gf, or happiness with her at all but honestly, everything to do with me, myself and I'm projecting my thoughts of how things should be onto to him, the object of my affection. & yes, how we see him at conventions definitely doesn't help anything.

Maybe I should have written this all out in a private message to you & not here for everyone to read, but honestly, maybe the responses from you & anyone who doesn't think I'm trying out "a different angle" can be helpful to others as well. Sorry this is so long but thank you from the deepest pit of my soul for posting the other ask & for your advice & helpful information. I just may end up sending you a private message before long (& I hear over half the people here saying, "Oh thank God!" as they yawn. Haha)

Thank you for everything & I promise not to bother you guys with this any longer!

And P.S.

I hope you all understand how serious I am now. (& yes, seriously crazy, too. But at least I can laugh at myself!)

Anon to anon. 😊

As for me, I’m really glad my response was somewhat helpful. Rest assured that you’re definitely not insane nor are you alone in this, anon. Your feelings are valid, and I truly admire you for being so self aware of them and bringing up such an important discussion, especially in the context of a fandom. Parasocial relationships are very common, especially nowadays, and even encouraged by the industry who sees them as profitable. So I feel it’s important for people to understand what they are and why we get caught up in such relationships, their benefits (like making new friends, like you mentioned), but also their darkest side. So thank you too. 😊 And if you (or anyone else) ever need someone to listen, I’m always a message away.

[tetrostaffsidereposts]

Chapter 2 November 11 Thread C

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] I feel genuinely sick to my stomach.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Whats up

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Just spoke to Dr. Tsutsujio. I think he's doing incredibly poorly.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] I think he put into perspective that I might be doing incredibly poorly as well.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] But quite frankly hearing some of the things he said coming out of the mouth of someone so young was nauseating.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] This project is going to eat us all alive.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] I wouldn't consider myself particularly parental. I don't think I'm that type of person. But having Dr. Tsutsujio practically falling to pieces in my arms jarred my mind a bit I think.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] I'm actually surprised you talked to him because most of the time you're kind of a robot sorry

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Right, well, maybe Dr. Higashigaki's philosophy is starting to leech its way into my head. "The older doctors have a responsibility to care for the younger doctors" and whatnot.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] What a good senpai

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] It just unsettles me. I *know* how he feels, Fuhato. I hate knowing that he's experiencing that so young.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] There's nothing I can do for him. That's the part that stings. I just sat there and held him and let him cry and talk. I couldn't actually fix anything.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] He basically cried and talked until he exhausted himself. He looked like a child. It scared me.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] I'm really, really scared for him.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] I feel like hes literally always in the office does he still sleep here

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Constantly. He sleeps upstairs. He never goes home.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Kind of weird where are his parents

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] I don't know. It's not my place to ask. This might be presumptuous of me, but frankly, I can't exactly commend them for a job well done. He shouldn't be here.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Idk maybe theyre just dead or something we probably shouldnt say bad stuff about them if we dont actually know

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Right. That's my bad.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Do you know how Anna is doing?

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Oh uhhhh shes good shes on trial obs rn

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] And she's still not speaking to me, I take it.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Yeah no sorry about that im guessing not

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Sorry syo

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] It's fine. I get it. I'm not angry with her.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] You don't have to talk to me either if it puts you in danger. I hope you understand that.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Shes just scared we're gonna get monitored again i promise shes still really worried about you she asks me about you a lot

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Does she?

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Also, are *you* not concerned about being monitored?

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Not really I dont think I really say anything that could get me in trouble right now

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Also if I get in trouble enough maybe theyll kill me which would probably be a big relief

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Wouldn't that be nice.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Too bad im too old to be in the killing game they actually seem like a way more enjoyable group of people to be around

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Genuinely. I could have met Chiba Airi. Instead I'm having Dr. Kuneyasu shoot elastic bands at me every time he walks by the commons.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Are you in the commons rn

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] No. Down in engineering having my desk chair steam-cleaned. They're a rowdy bunch over here.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] I want to be an engineer so bad I picked the wrong degree syo

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] They dont even have to pay me ill work here for free if i get to work with the engineering girls

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Like I know this is unprofessional but the engineering girls are genuinely the hottest women alive

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Like im sorry but if they just paid me in erita time I would take that so fast

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] That's asinine.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] No but its not just that im just being dumb she actually is a really cool person

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] We talk about when we both used to look normal and not gross

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Surely you see the irony in this.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Fuhato, if you still find her attractive after her scarring, does that not give you any sort of indication that you're *also* probably still attractive after *your* scarring?

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Im not good at replying when I get embarrassed sorry

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Genuinely though, it's lively over here. The engineering department has a very different feel about it. Energetic.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] It seems as though Dr. Higashigaki runs a very different ship.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Dr. Kitamuro and Dr. Figueiredo seem to be the odd ones out. I think the others take some sort of enjoyment out of poking at them.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] I like Kitamuro he always gives me stuff

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] We have shift overlap in the morning so every time he comes in and im already in the staff room hes like oh Daikubara here have whatever x thing from the coffee shop they gave me extra

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] I dont think they gave him extra every single day syo I just simply do not believe it

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] He brings me dinner sometimes during lates.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Higashigaki gives all the engineers brain worms that make them nice to me

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] I'm telling you. It's that whole "older doctors younger doctors" thing. She preaches it quite avidly.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] I feel a little guilty for how hard he works at his age. I just came down to borrow the steam cleaner. He offered to just do it himself. He was rather insistent.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] I cannot believe you made a man in his sixties steam clean Tamemichi's piss out of your desk chair wtf is wrong with you

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] I tried! Genuinely! He outright refused. He always does that. It was the same when I came by to get my hearing aid fixed. He went and found it himself because I didn't know where it was.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Thank you ojii for being good and for bringing me breakfast pastries every morning

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] But also he might hate me idk because he also calls me stupid every day lol

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Don't dwell on it, he calls everyone stupid. He called Mutai stupid five seconds ago.

[434334633/ Dr. Suga] Honestly, I would be lying if I said I didn't find it somewhat comforting. I personally don't have a lot of older figures in my life to speak with at the moment. He's remarkably reliable.

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Yeah no I get what youre saying one hundred percent

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] He was the one who took my shift when my dad died which he seriously just didnt need to do like an intern shift is kind of way beneath him

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] I feel like hes always checking in on me now

[294553703/ Dr. Daikubara] Oh I just got called in for some trial prep stuff gotta go later syo tell them all I said hi

[THREAD CLOSED]

[dalesramblingsblog]

OK, I think it's time to actually commit words to writing and actually stick to them. I have tried several times to write this post, and on several occasions have even managed to do so, but I've never managed to follow through on my stated commitments. For the most part this is because, well, I simply didn't want to, because I knew it would be difficult, but I think I've reached a point where it would be far more difficult not to.

Let me cut to the chase: Dale's Ramblings, on WordPress at least, will be going on indefinite hiatus. There are several factors at play here, from the fact that I simply don't find the average quality of the books at this time to be good enough to make the project as much fun as it has been in the past, to my ongoing university studies, but the main reason is... well, I'm sick.

I have, of course, known this intellectually for a while now. It's been about a year since I actually started to figure things out and realise how profoundly affected I had been by my long COVID. Frankly, the fact that I was able to write as much as I did in 2024 - 252,000 words, let's recall - even in spite of being ill is something of a minor miracle.

And more to the point, I did all that because... well, it was fun. Like, I say it's become less fun, and in an objective sense yeah it probably has; I'd rather be still reading books like The Also People than Kursaal or War of the Daleks. But, like, it was still fun. Tremendous fun. I can't stand books like Kursaal or War, but I look back on those reviews with quite a lot of fondness, and I think I've done some of my absolute best writing over this past year.

But there comes a point where you have to weigh the fun in one hand against the realities of your body in the other, and the fact is that I'm sick. I have, in all likelihood, been pushing myself a mite too hard at times, but I wouldn't have done it if I didn't sincerely get enjoyment out of every syllable. If it stopped being fun, I would have stopped, and I'm lucky enough that Dale's Ramblings has never stopped being fun.

Yet I also realise that I can't keep up this gruelling production schedule forever, chasing arbitrary deadlines for no greater reason than my own neurotic desire for neatness and symmetry.

So, then, a hiatus. We've done them before, but this one still feels harder because I desperately *want* to continue. And I will, some day; I've already committed too much energy to the idea of this project as my weird, sprawling autobiographical magnum opus. As much as it's about charting the Wilderness Years, Dale's Ramblings is just as much about charting the evolution of some scrawny suicidal fourteen-year-old into... well, we still haven't quite figured out an ending just yet.

Consider this a weird blip in our chronology then, a literary caesura, to be followed up on at a later date.

Which leaves us with the Ko-fi, as eagle-eyed readers will have noticed that I've already put up two of the three book reviews for April 1998, thinking as I did that I'd release them in March to coincide with the next anni-VARsary. I won't, obviously, but I will keep them up on the Ko-fi for those who are just dying to get a sneak preview, and you should be getting an additional 9,000 word review of The Hollow Men in the next couple days once I give it the final readthrough. Oh, and I'll probably cover Andrew Cartmel's Swine Fever for free on here as well.

There might be further Ko-fi exclusive early access reviews published in the coming months, but they will not be coming with anything like the current rate of regularity or reliability. I don't know exactly when they'll be going public, I suspect I'll want to hold the entire volume until I finish it so I can write without deadlines looming over me.

Is that greedy of me? Perhaps. But again, I'm sick and, for the foreseeable future at least, unemployed. This is, for now, the only way I pull in any sort of income that I can really call my own. If you can support the Ko-fi at all, even if it's just for one month or it's just a one-time payment, it would be greatly appreciated, but if not, I mean, I'll still be here. Just, y'know, rambling with a little less frequency or structure.

But I think any sense of structure went the way of the dodo when I ditched the dedicated "Positives" and "Negatives" sections of my reviews, really, so I think this was always just going to be my cosmic fate.

[reinterlacing]

I'm about to start taking apart my lan (local area network for you witchy mosscore types) in the house I came to in 2019 hoping to find solace and a place to recover.

I'll disconnect the tiny PC and the even tinier tech box + hard drive, and the network switch, and battery backup which make up my little indie "data center" that I built from cheap and cast-off parts. I'll take down the router in the basement and the one upstairs that formed a wifi bridge around the huge chimney so I could work in a bedroom while the servers lived next to the ethernet drop in the cool dark downstairs.

I'm bringing all this with me and will set it up in another basement - one where I can potentially leave it for a while - in a house where I don't know if I can stay more than another few weeks or a month or two.

I came out here with a lot of hope. that hope is now gone, replaced by other hope that's lesser in scope but perhaps more realistic.

I learned a lot.

I learned a bunch of technologies which I taught myself on those doorstop computers - just like when I was 16 and my father saw me using a computer I built in a literal cardboard box and had nothing to contribute. back then I taught myself assembly language out of a library book. in this case it was vital skills I missed from 2014 onward.

I learned people have widely differing ideas when it comes to core values like friendship, loyalty, duty of concern, and so forth. "people" very much including me. I've hurt others due to my own questionable values in that regard and now I know it. my own inability to communicate under certain conditions also did not help.

I learned that every molecule of extroversion within me is "affiliative" - the drive to love & be loved - rather than "agentic" - the desire to project & be seen. a lot of people seem to prefer agentic extroversion, and I learned I have very little to say to those who do.

I lost my best friend & confidant of 30 years, I haven't even begun to be able to address that, and quite frankly, nobody gives a shit.

I honestly don't know what to say or do at this point and am just grateful to have found some Zen teachings along the lines of "before enlightenment, chopping wood and carrying water; after enlightenment, chopping wood and carrying water."

lately people have been having opinions on how I should or shouldn't be doing things. the common thread among all these people is that they have expended minimal effort to understand why I do what I do in the way that I do. accordingly, their opinions on the subject are of little use to me.

I found out the mother who I've had no contact with in many years, whose mind was gone not long after I broke it off, is dying. it wasn't a shock. only in the past few months did I reach sufficient insight on the shit she did to have compassion for her as a human being, and she didn't have anywhere near the 30 years it took for me to get there, extended as the journey was by her bad behavior, lack of insight, and lack of ability to build another human being up rather than tear them down. I needed, and need, a lot of support which I never got.

I treasure my newfound wisdom, but overall, I feel diminished by the past 5 years especially.

at this point I just want to find someone to be naked with - I think if you're still reading you know what I mean by this, or close enough anyhow - who'll be my ride or die and I'll be their ride or die until the wheels really do come off this whole absurd circus or until we're gone, whichever comes first.

I always thought sure that'd happen. I thought sure. even thru all the time being an awkward kid and an awkward adult, I was sure I'd eventually find my constant, and then I would finally be able to put all the hungry restless miles behind me and devote myself to her and to us.

it's hard to overstate how central this is to my identity. people usually wanna sell some individualistic platitudes at this point, but I am long past that bullshit. I am absolutely meant to be part of a dyad and I function so much better within a healthy one.

and now I have to admit, decades late at pointing out the obvious, that the odds don't really seem very good.

I don't know how much fight I have left in me, probably it'd be none but for the continued availability of a very long pharmaceutical supply chain. but those pills are some good shit; I know I'll keep getting up as long as that prescription keeps showing up.

for the position I'm in, I'm in a pretty good position: a nearly-complete 1-man survival gear loadout, a collection of computer bits sufficient to do indie remote work from most anywhere in the lower 48 and in many other countries, and a paid 3-month SIM card.

I can pull 40 bucks an hour even with absolute shit-tier reliability because of my skillset, and I can make a lot more than that if I can ever get stable again. I just need a quiet private space without a bunch of random shit going on in it, especially addiction.

I am a homebody. I need a home. me without a kitchen and plants is already approaching tragic, now please if you are going to be present with me at all, understand that I, need, a home.

and the reality is, I don't think I'm going to have one for a long time yet, if ever.