#I actually genuinely cried at this part
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actually sobbing abt this wtf
#AFTER EVERYTHING#HE WENT THROUGH ALL THE SORROW IN THE WORLD AND SO DID SHE BUT THEYRE FINALLY TOGETHER#AND IT WAS HER ALL ALONG THAT GAVE HIM THE WILL TO PUSH THROUGH. SHE WAS THE REASON HE GOT HOME BECAUSE SHE WAS HOME#I actually genuinely cried at this part#book: the odyssey dialogue retelling: simon armitage#the odyssey#greek mythology#the Iliad. kinda. but I feel like those two are just interconnected man#yeet.txt#odysseus#penelope#odysseus and penelope
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I'm kind of heartbroken over the fact that luo bingmei is comfortable enough to cry in front of his shizun (even if 98% of the time its for show) but after shen jiu poured tea all over luo bingge he never cried again....
#ouch#OUCH#ouch ouch ouch#okay we're fine it's all good now#....ouch#well I think lbh only 'cries' when he's genuinely upset#like when there are actual tears its usually when he thinks he's hurt sqq#but the rest of the time he 'cries' but pouting out his bottom lip and coaxing forth crocodile tears#its part of his fragile glass-hearted maiden act#bingqiu#bingjiu#bc I'm Like That#scum villian self saving system
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I actually find gender swapping characters really interesting (what part of their expression is dictated by gender norms vs certain events in their life vs their personal preferences that wouldn't change either way, etc.) so now I wanna draw what that would look like in my ocs except I am in pain rn so I'm forced to just lie there and be plagued by visions
#ok but#the thing with north is that when he ran away he cut off his hair and started wearing masculine clothing to hide his identity and went “wait#this actually feels right wtf“#but i dont think he really did anything with his appearance prior to that. he kinda was just existing not really thinking about himself#he was really only focused on protecting and caring for saffron#so a gender swapped version wouldnt be much different pre-running away#not bothering about cutting hair + the cultists' robes look very similar in both feminine and masculine versions#so fem north would still have short hair to make her appearance less recognizable#just would wear dresses and stuff#saffron though. i think she presents herself more in accordance with gender norms#so gender swapped saffron would always have short hair + more masculine looking clothing#but i think her mannerisms and behavior would stay the same. also her general frame#like yes she in part dresses and looks this way because thats whats expected of her + thats how she was raised by The Lady but a lot of it#esp in terms of her personality is Just Her. this would stay the same#warren doesnt give a shit. he doesnt have much gender to begin with. no gender only swag#so he would look almost exactly the same just with less facial hair probably#The Lady would very much be different. like instead of graceful threatening elegant old-ish woman with Big Hair and Big Dress#shed have short hair same level of elegance but masculine clothes probably facial hair too. like one of them small sharp beards yk#the restaurant owner (still dont have a name for her) wouldnt change almost at all as well. shes very much function/comfort over style#her clothes are already masculine n she has short hair both for convenience#shed straight up look the same just with a stubble or smth#there are a couple other characters in this story i have thoughts on but i havent introduced/developed them properly yet#pjsk ocs though ! ive been thinking abt them again#matsu is pretty feminine and it does play a role in a “part of why ppl think hes weird” kinda way#so as a girl hed be more masc presenting#i dont think fumi would really change at all. she also dresses mainly for convenience but i do think she does have a little regard for#for gender norms. but like. barely any. so maximum changes would be those ponytail parts of her hair getting like. a tiny bit shorter#toshiro would stay the EXACT same. he does his own thing#seina dresses that way bc shes expected to but also thats just genuinely how she is. so swapped shed still have longer hair n feminine#demeanor but wear pants or smth. im hitting tag limit help. cries
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mmm essay about sally and kid gort in the tags (cw for child abuse, mentions of suicide, animal cruelty and a murder attempt. i always hope i don’t have to say this but just in case: i don’t excuse or condone any of her or gort’s behaviour at all.) this is literally not even touching upon everything i have to say because i hit the fucking tag limit lmao. NOBODY READ IT’S BAD BRAINSTORMING I JUST NEEDED TO GET IT OUT SOMEHOW
#thinkin too much about gortie side characters again.#sally this time and why she specifically talks about him the way she does#like dravo is obviously still shitty but to me he was. ‘just ‘neglectful#while sally actively hated and even felt terrorised by her own child#like. it’s not like i don’t understand her at all.#imagine you and your love don’t have much besides each other and your shop and you get pregnant and ready to raise a child#only for it to not be a child he didn’t and doesn’t cry ever and he learns everything so much sooner than most but then he never calls you#his parents and it’s not just a petty thing kids do sometimes you feel that he doesn’t see you as family and the worst part is that you#agree deep down#and as he gets older he doesn’t have any friends and actively rejects the notion of the entire concept#but then as time passes you hear about how he has entire groups of children following him and then several of them commit suicide#and that thing coming to sit with you and dravo at the dinner table says that he did what you did last week when the axe to chop wood broke#and you discarded it and got a new one#and he has these habits of ripping out flowers and making sure that they don’t regrow#and then you hear rumours about a friend’s daughter’s cat disappearing and think nothing of it#until you visit his tree house a month later and find a declawed cat and birds with clipped wings and crushed bugs that he keeps fondly#and then you see him with other children and they don’t know and his face is different and body language is entirely different#and were it not for the fact that you know better you would never see anything but a normal child#and you know that you are one who painstakingly brought this thing that should not be into the world and so you decide to end it all one da#and go to him as he’s asleep with the knife shaking in your hand#but he cries when you’re above him! screams at the top of his lungs!#so you beg for forgiveness even though you don’t deserve it through tears but as soon as the knife is put away you see the act drop and fee#his clever fingers having twisted your brain inside and out and you know that you can do nothing#and so the opportunity arises to at least remove him out of your life if not everyone’s lives and you take it immediately.#but you heard him talk. how he will close his fist around the world one day. and you know that it is not a matter of if but when.#like. imagine that. jesus dude.#like i hc her as someone that is messy and does not know a lot about life and she certainly wouldn’t have been a good mother but the love#or at least desire to love is there somewhere. and believing that having a child is really the only somewhat meaningful thing she can do#with her life. she’s not some hero or rich or anything of note. so there’s a lot obligation and not genuine desire for family here.#but she never really got the chance to be an actual mother in the first place so. who knows what that might have looked like
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Also yeah uh I have a friend coming over but like, this is a Grown Up friend that I made as an Adult. And I'm the only person home. So suddenly this is less "bringing a friend round after school" and more "welcome to my humble home :) I am a human person who Lives Here :)" and let me tell you I am overthinking this in like. 8 different directions
#lostwood.txt#i wanna be a Good Host for the hour they're planning to visit#they're nice! it'll be chill! unfortunately i have Zero Fucking Chill.#i am so deeply ashamed of the way my family live bc it is genuinely abysmal but I've done my best to like. clean up#but there's only so much i can do!! like !! hi yes sorry i know we've lived here 7 fucking years no we don't have floors#yeah we have tea but my parents only drink the kind you buy like 280 bags for £2 so it's probably terrible#i need to go to the shop bc i don't use regular milk (cries in dairy intolerance)#but there's no where round here you can go for lunch since the library cafe shut down#so ??? :)???#i don't think they realise how not good my part of town actually is#like it'll be Fine. I'm overthinking to fuck.#but oh man. stress noises
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every time this banner rolls around i remember how this is the single greatest thing intsys has ever done for me
#ann cries about feh#this was coachella 2016#the entire community reaction to ‘HOLY SHIT THEY LET INIGO DANCE’ was cathartic and i mean that so genuinely#part of me wants to pull for inigo merges#but color sharing with azura scares me. sorry girl i dont want you.. i already have her at like +4 gunning for inigo 😭#so most of my orbs are for spring!inigo merges instead (whos also just. significantly better)#but still. dancer inigo changed something in me thats never gone back. for the better probably#i never used any free forma souls. if i actually play the game sometime i should probably pick up forma inigo…#i think theyre redoing the awakening one soon… hmmm….
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I feel like I've been stripped of a part of me as a human fundamentally by not having a fireplace. I should be allowed to stare at fire for 3 hours a day. It's a crime that I can't. THIS IS WHY I STARE AT SCREENS. IT GLOWS AND MOVES. GIVE ME MY FUCKING FIRE BACK I NEED IT
#vent in tags#this was meant to be joking/satirical but i almost cried typing this#i dont know hwo satirical this actually is#i think i do actually crave fire deep down#i want to sit by a fire and stare into it#i want to be there at 3am contemplating life#i really do#i just realised that fire is part of my idea of “peace”. and i crave nothing more but peace in life.#i genuinely wish i could sit by a fireplace and just stare. listen to it pop. watch the fuel slowly burn away. watch the flames dance.#i genuinely feel a deep sense of butterness that i cant experience that. and i doubt i ever will. no hotel has a fireplace in the room. this#apartment my family lives in can never house a fireplace. and same with my friends. i will never get to experience fire the way i want to.#it will never be as cozy as i wish it to be; because there will be no fire in my home that resembles one like a fireplace's. one that is#wide; wider than the stove we have.#i feel emptier after typing this out.
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I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun
#sorry if anyone sees these im tired of using my personal discord servet to vent. i always spiral too much#anyways i have an idea for a good poem to write for class because of recent events#ughhhh idk i just wish i wasnt so annoying about asking if i can open ip to people#or if someone would just ask if i was okay. i mean actually id probably lie i am not actually good at being open.#but like hey idk it feels nice to feel like people genuinely want to know#ughhhhfhfhf i do this to myself sometimes JSHSJSKDJDJD#welp its just how life goes. i feel lonely all the time and i soldier on#surely helping the next person will make me feel better! nope. surely helping yhis next person will make me feel better! nope. surely-#tgats me. thats what i sound like#yeah idk it feels like everyone is going through something worse than me so itd be a moral failing on my part#to ask them if i could just like. feel bad. noticeably#not even talk about it just look down and out of it for a day#yknow i emailed one of my teachers asking permission to go by a new preferred name#this is at like. a massive very queer and trans art school.#and i asked him permission to do this#and i was joking with my friends about how pathetic i sounded in it#and one of them patted me on the head and said “there there buddy” like very jokingly#but i almost cried because thats the first time in so long someone has like. really tried to comfort me#or shown me much physical affection#my mom gives me hugs and stuff but thats always about her. i dont blame her shes got a lot of stuff going on#but idk its really selfish of me but i just wanna have people see me and feel bad for me and it be about my pain for a little while#ill get over it im just being a teenager but shit god fucking damnit#i just want a break from feeling like my world is falling apart#then getting some footing#then it falling apart again#okay i feel a bit better now better stop the complain train JDJDJSKSJD#hey why do i never hear that it rhymes and everything thays so good#damn i gotta use that more#welp weve reached our stop sorry if anyone ever read thjs. hope you have a nice day tho lol
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I am coming to the realization i have been slowly killing myself with work i think oops
#m thinking now and im like#i havent read ... anything consistently .. or watched anything .. or had time to like do anything#in genuinely so long#and i was like kinda becoming ok w it#my brain issues .. nothing matters i dont need anything all i need is me i dont need to have anyone or anything with me <- bad. stop it#part of this was the i need my dad to be proud of me braincell but well i win award i have 4.0 gpa and he still yell at me#deciding now to stop caring so much (i still do but ill ignore it) i need 2 be alive again i dont care#im so mad i dont even know .. im so viscerally angry like actually i dont even know what to do with that lmfao#my brother does shit all and u give him sm slack have NEVER treated him as bad as youve treated me#and nothing i do NOTHING is good enough or changes how u look at me#like idk he called me and i cried so much i got so fucking upset i fhkdhdkf ok. ok.#he will b like omg im so proud of u i love u so much ive always believed in u and i just think back to when#he yelled at me once like fiiive years ago and i was like u just make me feel so worthless all the time#and he was like yeah bc you are worthless#and im like hmmm idk bestie i dont think youve ever changed from looking at me like that and it is insanely obvious lmao#i dont even know bro im crazy. m insane got given an inch and tried to take a mile like omg i can actually be recognized as worth something#nevermind ill stop killing myself for that pipe dream now lol#m not even upset im just mad lmao i dont wanna hate my dad and i dont but every day i feel more and more like i should#vent
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babe are you okay you’ve been watching werq the world youtube videos for an hour
#babe are you okay you cried to Wake Me Up in the shower last night#no i’m not btw#at first i thought time machine outsold but like listen i don’t knowwwww they’re both so good i like that the girls had more freedom last#year but also it’s so cool watching different girls do the same parts and also i actually watched the matrix which made is so much cooler#basically i miss daya#but also naomi’s number hasn’t left my head since the first time and rosé’s number actually makes me genuinely laugh?? not like. canned#drag race laughing but a Real Amusement laugh but mostly i just really miss daya#wake me up slaps harder than time machine (song) i think IMSORRY#but actually that might not be true#anyway i wanna go see wtw again#i feel like those girls that go to like 5 different eras tour dates#why is no one talking about Agent Betty
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last post ended up deleting my tags so im continuing them here
#but.#even after all the time i had aparti still went back at 16#i traveled across the country just to see her again#and it fucking sucked#she ripped that wound right back open#which . felt so weird because she WANTED me to come#she made all the plans#honestly the train trip there was nice#i got to experience a lot of cool things#but the second i got there. it was . one of the worst times of my life#just nonstop#and now ive finally been away for awhile again#but i still miss her#& i dont know why#but it also doesnt help the only gf i have ever had did the same type of thing LMAO//.... i .. i just cannot win#maybe it's just my roll#say all these nice things n then immediately flip#she would make me hang out w her friends n talk me up n then. cheat on me with them with me there#& then get upset when i cried or tried to break up w her LMAO...#like. she wasnt poly or anything she was actually against it#but the worst part is how openly & loudly she'd love me right before it. so now i never know who is telling the truth. i never feel safe#but anyway. again. i stayed#over n over again id try to break up w her but then i loved her & so when she got upset n threaten to kms id flip n stay#n she'd do it again#until eventually she broke up w me n left me so fuckd up im not gonna lie JHVAJH#she still tried to stay friends after that n i tried#but then i started sobbing mid card game & it was very embarrassing top 10 worst things i have done#but i just. all i want is to be a good person. i want to be someone good & loving but i feel like im such a jealous monster#even if i dont let myself show it n try to ignore it bc i dont want to hurt anyone or be this awful it;s still here. just. permeating.#what if i feel too much what if ill never know when someone is genuine what if im just an evil obsessive freak n everyone i love hates me
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googling how to not give up on the story that's lived in my head for nearly a decade
#sooo embarrassing actually but i literally cried myself to sleep like. a month ago? bc i could no longer see the POINT#because what IS the point#i want to believe that one day i'll manage to write any of these books but there is an overwhelming part of me that knows it wont happen#and that part of me gets louder and louder every day#i can daydream and brainstorm and talk about it as much as i want but it's never going to make it out of my head#because there's something Wrong With Me#i have an endless well of ideas and then my hands and my mouth and my brain get in the way and they never go anywhere#and i had so much hope for this. i've put so many years into it and it still feels like i have NOTHING to show for it#but the worst part is i can't just take a break from it. i can't put it on a shelf or throw it away because then it will haunt me#i will spend every day of my fucking life thinking about these characters and this world because i've poured so much of myself into it#it's like being trapped in fucking purgatory#i feel cursed. i feel genuinely fucking cursed. my brain never stops but my hands have never been able to keep up#anyway. sky whales migrate now.
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what's so crazy is i literally saw the little mermaid 24 hrs ago + i alr wanna rewatch
#i dont think disneys made me feel that way in a LONG LONG time. 😶 halle bailey...the hold she has on me PLUS melissa mccarthy PLUS all#the great new additions#the little mermaid#disney#k#but a large part of it IS halle bailey bc her voice. idek shit had my heart dropping i think one of my friends cried in the theater + she#doesnt even care abt disney. her voice is THAT emotional and THAT beautiful and fit for a fucking siren ass mermaid and actually out of#this world#part of ur world 2nd reprise specifically like the famous heaving onto a rock part. genuinely got goosebumps + froze
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me when i realize that pretty much everything in my life has actually only gotten worse since i graduated highschool, and all the times i was told things would get better were absolutely false !!!!!!
#i am going fucking insane. this is so stupid#i had a social life. i had friends. i had a job i could keep up with outside of school. i had a solid routine and schedule.#i had insurance. i didnt have to worry about money. i didnt have to buy groceries. i didnt have to cook every day.#i had enjoyable group activities. i had ppl telling me i was doing a good job. i had AUTHORITY FIGURES telling me i was doing a good job!!!!#i had a place to go to be away from home every weekday!! i had hope for the future still to some extent (not a lot but more than i do now)!#I DONT HAVE ANYYYY OF THAT NOW. I do have friends but not in-person!!! zero social life except hospital out-patient bullshit!!!#anyways the highschool is doing one of my fav musicals that i came THIS CLOSE to doing my grad year#but the vote was indecisive so they did some bullshit that nobody was happy with lmfao#i fucking petitioned hard. lobbied HARD. to get us to do that musical. i worked so hard to get everyone on board#but everyone was just waffling about it. and then we ended up w smth that nobody was happy with#AND NOW THIS YEAR. THEYRE DOING THAT FUCKING MUSICAL. THAT HURTS. LIKE A LOT. A LOT A LOT.#like to the point where i have now genuinely cried after hearing that theyre doing it#that was my one fucking chance in highschool to be part of a musical i actually cared about and enjoyed and i lost it#i had watched my brothers be in these fun musicals when they were in school but for my three years I got NOTHINGGG#it hurts so fucking bad. i had been looking forward to that ever since we moved to this town. and then i got fucking nothing.#and now that im out of there and realizing how my life is absolutely fucked and i have to kill myself then they finally do it.#gallons of salt in the big fat gaping wound. insane.#genuinely feeling kind of shocked. how the hell do things line up so perfectly to hurt me this badly so often fjfkfl#maybe im just fucking pathetic and overly emotional idk victim complex or smth awful#i just kind of want to be done like right now. but i have to wait at least a month before i call it quits so i dont wreck this time of year#for my family for the rest of their lives lmfao#my siblings and dad dont deserve that. my mother probably does but whatever#im tired!!! im fucking exhausted!!! this sucks so incredibly badly!!!#suicide tw
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salad days (manhua by jing shuibian & tang liuzang) is genuinely one of the best things i've read in MONTHS
#the passion the romance the love and support . . . .#and the conversation jiang shen has with his parents anout his relationship???#and. god. the way it's just. following your hopes and dreams and everything you can do to get there.#and the side characters and their stories!!!!!! i'M YELLING!!!#xingzhi is my absolute favorite character btw#i actually genuinely cried at one part oh my god#i love that everyone is happy at the end too#salad days#sou says stuff
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tbh I ask myself 'why am I so tired' a lot but I feel like having to constantly fight 15 different kinds of anxiety at all times probably has some kind of. Effect
#misc.txt#vent#I don't even realize how much its running through my mind sometimes#I'm tired though!! I'm tired. like when I've sufficiently got over ruminating on one topic of anxiety#it just seamlessly cycles to the next one#I don't want to have to parse through things I don't want to have to figure shit out I don't want to have to answer what about/what if rn#theres so much of it#I'm tired of worrying abt everything I'm tired of my brain endlessly cycling through things that upset me and cause me stress#I'm tired of constantly ruminating over topics that cause me anxiety I'm tired of constantly scrutinizing my entire worldview#whether I'm right or wrong or a bad person etc#and then on top of that the constant. idk. derealization? lingering dehumanization?#like if I don't have all my ducks in a row or if I'm suffering I don't deserve to be seen as a person#maybe it's cowardly to just want to run away from all the life issues/questions that stress me the fuck out#but I cant control the way I have to ruminate on it daily and its all the time with no rest#I just want to put it all down. for a bit. I'm just fuckin tired#I almost cried at work today bc and nothing even actually.. happened#genuinely want to lay in a field and just become part of the grass I mean that truly#just. inanimate object. nothing asked of me at all
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