#I WON'T BE ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
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i won't be alone for the rest of my life <3
#dnp#dan and phil#dan and phil edit#dip and pip#WE CAN'T MAKE RENT SO WE WINDOW SHOP IN THE UPPER WEST SIDE OH MY GOD#COULD YOU IMAGINE THAT#I WON'T BE ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE#they really won't be alone for the rest for their lives#i loved making this
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completed fic: won't be alone for the rest of my life chapter 10 is up!
10/10: feels like i'm going home
post-season 7 | eddie-centric | eventual buddie | 37.8k
in which there's a kiss, a confession, and a reunion.
The sun is setting by the time Buck turns the car into Eddieâs parentsâ driveway in El Paso. Itâs been a long drive. It always is, the neverending road between Eddieâs childhood home and his current one, but it doesnât feel nearly as long when heâs got Buck by his side. Especially considering Buck had done the majority of the actual driving. What can Eddie say, heâs a passenger princess through and through. Heâll gladly let his boyfriend do the driving if he wants to. Boyfriend. God, he loves that word.
read the full chapter on ao3 here!
and a link to the first chapter for new readers!
#it's done i'm done i can't believe it's done!#take that year long writers block anxiety etc etc I WIN#eddie diaz#evan buckley#buddie#christopher diaz#buckley diaz family#911 abc#buddie fic#911 fic#fic: won't be alone for the rest of my life#for the last time <3#michelle writes
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena đ
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do you ship helena bertinelli with anyone? if yes, then which characters and why? what's your favorite helena ship? do you have any helena rarepairs? (i know you've talked about helena/steph and you're so right about it, it's a very interesting ship)
!!!! i have so many ships for my best girl ever yes oh my god thank you for asking.
my top pairing is probably Vic Sage/the Question. Vic is the basic answer, but man. i love them so much. no couple has matched each other's freak like that have. Justice League Unlimited is a great adaptation of Helena in general, but it also did a great adaptation of Helena and Vic's relationship. how he just dedicates himself to helping her with no expected return, but also wants to make sure she doesn't go too far in a hunt for vengeance that never ends for her. i think a lot of characters often want to change Helena or expect things out of her for their own needs, like the Batfam and the BoP. but Vic is one of the few people who just wants her to be better for her own good. when he tries to stop her from killing it's not because of his morals, it's because he doesn't want this crusade to consume her. and i just. man i think about them a lot. Helena rlly likes weird little men who give themselves wholly to her.
Zinda Blake/Lady Blackhawk is also a top ship for me. tbh i just like Zinda. but i do love how Helena and Zinda interact, being the more rough and tumble members of the BoP. they're both outsiders, in different ways. Helena is an outsider of the Batfam and Zinda is literally from a different time and an outsider to the current world. their friendship is so genuine and i think if Babs and Dinah can have. whatever homoerotic nonsense going on during BoP, then Zinda and Helena deserve some homoerotic nonsense too. as a treat.
if we're willing to count New-52 Helena, then i enjoy Helena/Dick/Tiger. i think Helena and Dick being a past relationship is really important in pre-Flashpoint for Helena's development, though i don't ship them as a serious couple beyond a fling. but in the New-52, i think this throuple be fun. Helena and Tiger respect each other as two very driven, no-nonsense agents and then well. they both clearly have some kind of thing for Dick. so it's fun finding the balance of how they could all work together romantically.
and ofc. it's a crime to mention Helena ships and not mention Renee Montoya/the Question. every time they interact it's really fucking gay. it's so gay that Kate Kane, Renee's own ex, assumed Helena and Renee were gay. i cannot be convinced against this ship. i genuinely think this ship should be canon. i mean. DC did tease us with this moment from an alternate universe and it's lived rent for me since. fucking criminal for us to only get one panel of what we could have if DC let Helena be a fruit in the main universe. being in love with Helena Bertinelli should be a right of passage for the Question mantle, i personally believe. if you asked me like. genuinely who i want to see Helena date in the current comics, Renee is my top pick. (i would say Vic but he's fucking dead and the New-52 butchered him so rip my mans-)
lois lane (2019) #10
besides those ships, just about every ship for Helena probably falls into the category of rarepair. like you said i've talked about my love for Helena/Steph before bc god. i think it should be a thing more people ship. once i finish the fic i'm writing about them i will convince others to like it.
i also think Helena/Cass could be fun. in a *lot* of ways Helena and Cass are narrative parallels to each other. Helena was a victim of her family being murdered at about the same age Cass was forced to be a murderer. Helena grows up to believe in lethal justice because of this, and Cass grows up to be staunchly against it. Cass' Batgirl suit was made *by* Helena. they both want to be protectors of the most vulnerable people. they balance each other out in a lot of ways and i think they should kiss about it.
also probably a rarepair, i think Helena/Lady Shiva is fun. their fight during Birds of Prey (2010) had... questionable moments for Helena's characterization, but i do love so much that Helena knocks Shiva off her feet and gains a deep respect from Shiva. like. Shiva gives her a nickname and shows her admiration. i would like to see fanfic where Shiva continues to be weirdly admirable of Helena and bothering her non-stop. they could be a fun fucked up toxic yuri moment. this is just. so gay to me.
birds of prey (2010) #6
my most rare Helena pair would probably be Helena Wayne, actually. but specifically Helena Wayne of JSA (2022). ever since, for some reason, it was made canon that the current Helena Wayne was named after Helena Bertinelli and took the name Huntress to honor her i *cannot* stop thinking about them meeting. because in-universe it makes *no* fucking sense for Bruce to name his kid after *Helena Bertinelli*, someone he's regularly at odds with and doesn't like. it's clearly an awkward explanation to try to make the whole two Huntress situation make sense. (it's almost as bad as Helena Wayne in the New-52 using Helena Bertinelli as an alias.) but because it's such an odd choice, i do think it could be fun for Helena Wayne, when she's back in time to see Bruce, to find Helena Bertinelli to get to know the woman she was named after and Helena Bertinelli just being. baffled by the idea of *Batman* naming his kid after her. it could be a fun fucked up moment.
my other super rarepair is Kara Zor-L/Power Girl. they had like. one meaningful interaction of JSA Classified and it's been PLAGUING me. something about when Power Girl doesn't remember her past and she's seeking a friend, she instinctively goes to find Huntress? but it's wrong bc this isn't *her* Huntress and neither of them understand why Power Girl would seek Helena out? god it's so good. i'm always a big fan of ships where one person in the ship is *so* obviously using the other person as a replacement for someone they lost and they both know it. it's such a doomed angsty thing where you could play with Helena actually really liking Kara, but knowing that she's just a replacement for Kara's Helena Wayne. good fucked up shit man.
and lastly: i really ship her with Dawn Granger/Dove. there's no canon basis for this, they didn't have a ton of interactions even when they were both on the BoP. but there's a very kind innocence to Dawn that contrasts Helena's violence really well. and i do love a ship with a corruption kink vibe to it. let Helena corrupt Dawn. i could write such fucked up porn about these two.
#necrotic answerings#helena bertinelli#idk the ship names for most of these ships so idk how to tag them#most of them are too rare to have ship names. tragic.#anyway i ship her with so many ppl#i do ship her with tim as well but i didn't mention him just bc i default to viewing them platonically.#also think babs is a valid ship for her. but in a hatefucking way.#i prefer their relationship when they can't stand each other it's more fun.#but yeah the realistic âi want to see this in canonâ options are vic and renee#and then the rest are âi'm alone in this ship but i see potentialâ rarepairs#esp lady shiva. like i'm *really* tempted to write that fic.#i just need to read more comics with shiva.#actually the most fucked up option: cass/helena/shiva incestual threesome.#that has potential. but i don't think anyone shares my vision#also i've seen posts arguing for helena/jason#and while. longterm i disagree. i do think them sleeping together is on the table.#but largely ppl always bringing him up when talking about her sours me to that ship. so eh.#also i would ship helena/bruce in a fucked up way if that one batman: the brave & the bold episode didn't piss me off so bad#justice league unlimited is the *only* good adaptation of helena i'm so serious.#everything else eats ass with her. esp the arrowverse.#and the birds of prey movie.#but jlu does good by her and if you just watch that show you do have a solid grasp of her character#it adapts her story into a child-friendly medium in what i think is the best way it could've#anywhore thank you for this ask <3#you actually sent this when something rlly shitty happened so it was a nice little distraction from life to think about my answer#OH WAIT YOU KNOW WHO I FORGOT.#kate spencer. manhunter. I ship her with helena too.#lethal female vigilantes unite.#BRO those two deserve a teamup mini or something. they'd click so well.#dc hire me to write a huntress/manhunter mini series i promise i won't make them gay (my fingers are crossed)
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IN THIS ESSAY I WILL
[follow-up to this two-image post that's worth more than twenty thousand words and altered the course of my life]
#apparently the last time i read this arc straight through was FIVE YEARS AGO and at the time i was so awestruck over it's existence alone#(also: bratty clan head being locked in the cursed room with the cursed love of his cursed life!!!)#that the extent of the textual parallels didn't even register aside from maybe that iconic bench of sadness and general ~themes#but no it's? RIGHT? THERE?#'HE COULDN'T MAKE HER SHARE THE BURDEN HE BORE'#'I WON'T PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BEAR THE BURDEN OF THE LEGACY YOU'VE HAD TO SHOULDER'#(the way i SAT UPRIGHT)#i cannot attest to the quality of these translations or comment on the original text#but would be so intrigued if someone could compare how similar/different the wording is for the panels in the middle row#because the choice of language the way it comes across in translation is just.#yeah.#i'm incoherent#(tumblr's suggested tag: i'm inconsolable#which yeah. THAT TOO!!!)#your honour i rest my case???#natsume yuujinchou#horrible exorcists#specifically#horrible exorcist number one#OH AND - AFTERWORD: 'i think these days a person does not have to bear it alone'!!!!!!!!#and it coming from natori of all people#(i am not asking you to abandon your family or who you are and i'm here and i'm not leaving and i'll meet you where you're at)#and though this isn't the first time he's said it the YEARS it's taken him (taken them both) in getting here specifically#and the temptation and hope and promise in it!!! which lets one wonder if maybe just maybe they'll break the cycle or at least make a dent#(doubtful....but i can dream!)#pls send thoughts and prayers as i'm about to undertake homura arc properly for the first time (yes finally) and may not make it out alive#(one day i may or may not also become emotionally equipped to make the unhinged post about the two separate times he's asked and reacts to#have you ever considered quitting exorcism?#alas that day is not today...but maybe in another five years!!!!!)#dont forget we're here forever etc etc etc ETC :)))))
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DUDE COME ON
#miss stellaron :( :( :( :( i think despite it all aventurine did admire stelle and the rest of the crew#and under better circumstances probably would have liked to befriend them. no strings attached#nBjdjj#jtjkN?4#akfngkdmgh#this sucks. even though acheron didn't KILL him kill him#leaving that side of the dreamscape might#and it's only upon getting there that he realizes his life might have some value after all#and he owes it to himself to at least try to be happy#but well now he's on the other side and who knows if he can actually make it back without dying for real!!!!!!!!!!!!!! leav e me alone#idk the whole scheduling a text message to say goodbye and express fondness to a person you would have liked to genuinely befriend#hruts my feelings#AND IF HE MAKES IT BACK AND CHECKS HIS PHONE#HE WON'T EVEN SEE THAT STELLE SAID SHE WANTS TO SEE HIM AGAIN TOO BECAUSE THE MESSAGR DIDN'T FUCKING SEND#UAGGHHH
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Tag drop: Seele (Honkai: Star Rail). Listen, I used to write her and I miss her a bit, and also: there's Belobog people around. And also, well, she's much more interesting than people give her credit for. Also, prepare for some 'rewriting', because Belobog's pacing in specific ways kind of blew a little bit much.
#seele. [ we tell them âthings will be better tomorrow.â everyone knows it's a lie; but it gets them to sleep with some hope. ]#seele: ic. [ he always says âhumanity's endless conflictsâ; but you don't get peace by offering everything up on a silver platter. ]#seele: inquiries. [ that's not the only thing you won't have heard of down here; princess. ]#seele: countenance. [ to all those thugs and gangsters in the underworld; i'm like a spectre always haunting them. ]#seele: introspection. [ the chief's right. sometimes a sharp blade is the only way to get people to come to their senses. ]#seele: meta. [ she got used to people losing their homes. and she got used to people losing their lives. but crying alone was useless. ]#seele: little notes. [ they only eat half their meal; throw the rest away. do they know people below haven't got enough food to eat? ]#seele: wishes. [ where there's hope: there's the will to fight. ]#seele: etc. [ a young girl smiles subtly. âhow? right here; right now; i am alone⊠but it feels... very lively.â ]#seele: underworld. [ what's more important than miracles; seele. is to protect people's hopes for miracles. ]#seele: overworld. [ oleg saw how a look of gloom passed over her tender face. âlet's go back. i don't want to come back here again.â ]#seele: sampo. [ wildfire has countless issues on its place right now. we don't need a side order of koski. ]#seele: sampo. [ so we're there; now it's real. now that you have me; do you want me still? ] inominati.#seele: bronya. [ they go their separate ways: one stepping into the light; and the other into the shadows. until one day; they meet again.#seele: natasha. [ i learned quickly that tantrums won't get you anywhere. she knows how to give you a taste of your own medicine. ]#seele: oleg. [ i probably owe my life to the chief. ]#seele: hook. [ don't let her appetite for chaos fool you; i think that kid's going places. ]#seele: v. youth. [ everyone in the dark side of town knew that fearless homeless girl. everyone wanted to avoid that wild; stubborn rascal.#seele: v. underworld. [ just what we all need: more lies about a world that never was and never will be. ]#seele: v. present. [ can you imagine the consequences if we told the people what happened here? they'd be devastated. ]#seele: v. future. [ ... priorities? what do you mean? are you saying rebuilding the underworld isn't one of your âprioritiesâ? ]
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It's like a soap opera in here........
VERY messy and minimal cause I honestly didn't want to focus too much on this LMAO but. As a fanartist who is jumpscared by canon sometimes I always have to ask myself, "Okay what is the funniest thing I can do with this information"
I mean come on. The sitcom potential is off the charts (this hypothetical kid is gonna have the most bullshit life ever)
(my Summoner goes by they/it!)
#fire emblem#feh#i'm imagining moe pulling a professor sada#sada SPECIFICALLY bc (even though the topic makes me v squeamish personally)#the concept alone is SO outrageously funny to me.#though the god child won't be of flesh. key difference there i guess LMAO#also the idea of alfonse appointing himself step father is SO fucking funny to me#almost like a phoenix wright situation where this random baby is suddenly in the picture and he's like. okay. bet.#i am now going to dedicate the rest of my life to this.#ANYWAYS I'M. ON SOME ADVANCED SHIT. it's not enough for me to say 'i have a thing for alfonse sorry'#i have to make it into the stupidest most unhinged ordeal imaginable.#fe alfonse#fe seidr#sharena#moe tag#my art#not tagging the whole tree. btw. too many of them.#summoner oc
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it is not slacking off to write or create it is not slacking off to do things that are fun i am not slacking off or procrastinating right now i'm allowed to do things i enjoy doing for fun including playing games and writing and such
#if i say it enough i will remember it's true#can you guess which aspect of capitalism i'm struggling with today?#it does not help my bones are somehow WORSE than yesterday even after all of the rest i took so that's Super Fun:tm:#so i've got that on in the back of my head#ugh#i... am putting off calling my grandma - i meant to do it last week but i got too in my head about it#and uno reversed myself into forgetting to do it at all until the Worst Times Possible#(generally around Normal Fuckin Meal Times)#i want to call to wish her a belated mother's day and check in re: grandpa but also...#also i don't want to have to do a phone call i don't want to talk to them about anything at all#they stress me out to talk to and it makes me super uncomfortable to be on the phone in general let alone with a Heavy Topic over our heads#like.... i'm comfortable with where i'm at acceptance-wise with Grandpa's whole situation#and i know i am late for a better relationship with the pair of them in general#like i'm not going to repair a relationship that wasn't built to collapse down to this point this is as far as it got built up to#i'm not building more relationship between me and someone who i know is passing soon when they didn't take the opportunity either#like they had just as much chance as me to improve our relationship after i became an adult and they chose to use my mother as#an intermediary which has stunted their connection to me and that's not my fault#i admittedly did not reach out but i was not taught i could safely do that to anyone#because my parents badmouth literally any person they know for one reason or another#i regularly fuck up in conversations with my grandparents because i'll say somethign that is a holdover from my understanding of them#through my parents and it's like. kind of really insulting! and i've been doing it my whole life and i know as soon as i get their reaction#and i can't recover because i don't actually know them at all#so i can't be like ''oh my god i know that's inaccurate i have no idea why i said that'' because i *don't* know until after i've done it#every goddamn time it happened the last time i got a call from them too#like... my bio fam/family of origin is just not good at keeping in touch and i know i'm a product of that#and i know theoretically how to adjust for it but it does require work on the other end of the line too#and unfortunately i know my bio family too well and know they won't do their part#i grew up in the group project everyone hates#and i'm on my way to deciding they can show up to the presentation day without me#i've started a new family project over here with blackjack and hookers
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i really don't want to be in an argument with a girl i've known since elementary school and brownies - who i'd literally get in arguments with over who could 'date' justin if britney/justin broke up way back in 2000-2001!! we loved them both. she claims brit (she totally said some shit i will not repeat and brought britney's kids into the convo after saying all that - justifying that she has kids herself now, and like saying in the same hypocritical thing oh leave jessica and her son out of this when i literally said NOTHING about their child, i just don't really 'get' jessica defending justin when he did her dirty too but that's another conversation!)
so now, fast forward a bunch of time - she's fighting so hard for him it's sickening, and f it - she can have him married or not. i'm team britney, not that there are 'sides' or whatever. god i'm so glad i saw the light. yikes. big yikes.
#nostalgia#celebrities#britney spears#anti justin timberlake#revelations#childhood#she won't let me vent about this without her 2 cents backing up justin like wtf?#leave it alone i dont wanna argue with you and ruin our friendship over this shit its not that important but i ain't backing down don't#don't slander my queen to prop up your douche bag of noodles and lies forever or the rest of your life!#you're awesome otuside of that just focus on that shit#then she had the NERVE to say britney was never victimized#sure jan she's been the media punching bag since 2000 and only got worse in 2002 onward so dellusional#she bought his side hook line sinker#what a farce that is!
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fic update: wonât be alone for the rest of my life chapter 9!
9/10: there's nothing wrong with what i want
post-season 7 | eddie-centric | eventual buddie | 34k and counting
in which chris is coming back and eddie goes out.
Eddie loses himself to the beat, dancing with whoever is closest to him, taking a shot when Ravi offers it to him. Heâs kissed on the cheek by a drag queen, sticky lipstick print and all, and a group of college-aged kids gives him a pink glow stick bracelet. Heâs sweating and smiling and heâs going to be sore tomorrow from all the dancing, but he doesnât care. Heâs thriving. And then Eddie looks up, across the room, as if pulled by some invisible thread snapped taut, and suddenly heâs staring right at Buck. Buck, who didnât come here with them. Whoâs on the edge of the dance floor, not quite part of the crowd. Heâs wearing one of those short-sleeved button-ups he likes, left open to expose a tight tank top underneath. His hair is left curly, not gelled down but left free, the way heâs been leaving it lately. The lights are casting shadows on his face, making him look ethereal. Itâs Buck, standing right there, staring right at Eddie.
read the full chapter on ao3 here!
#eddie diaz#evan buckley#buddie#911 abc#buddie fic#911 fic#fic: won't be alone for the rest of my life#i keep saying this but i'm so excited for this one!!#and only one more ahhh#gonna try and finish that before the season premiere i promise#michelle writes
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me in the Olli/Allu delelu land trying to explain how Olli acting weird and Aleksi suddenly smoking and them secretly glancing at each other must be all connected somehow
because they ARE!! đ we may be yet to connect the dots, but we're getting there okay, we're not crazy đ€
(don't forget the sunglasses!! I haven't figured out how but I just know they're somehow relevant in all this as well đ€ he just seems weirdly attached to them (and the bandana around his neck which he's been wearing in literally every picture we've seen of him for almost two weeks now?? not counting the pictures taken in the pool) like, did he pay and arm an a leg for them (I'm not sure if he's worn that exact pair before? I may be wrong though lol I often am with stuff like this) and justified the purchase to himself by swearing he'd wear them every chance he gets for the rest of the year lol
#the rest goes in the tags because okay fine i MAY be just a little bit crazy sdgjsdjgsgdsg but hear me out alright#let's say aleksi used to smoke but quit because it's unhealthy#now why do people usually relapse with smoking?#for fun ig but he's said many times he's trying to be healthier. dude won't drink pepsi with caffeine in it but cigarettes are fine? đ#sure the reasons are individual but at least in my mother's case it was often when she felt stressed out about random shit#so perhaps aleksi took up smoking again because something's stressing him out / making him anxious / worrying him#it could be the tour but it's not like they haven't been on tour in the US before so why would he be particularly stressed out about that?#could be something work-related but unrelated to the band. a project he had to put on hold because of the tour?#because from what i've understood the HU supporting gig happened on quite a short notice#tbh that alone could very legitimately be a cause of stress on its own. not enough time to prepare? not enough time to spend with the fam?#(perhaps if you weren't streaming every other evening...đ)#or maybe he's just jetlagged and nicotine is his remedy of choice?#ooooooorrr it could be something related to his personal life. hard to say what though. a sudden change? general anxiety?#he doesn't /seem/ particularly anxious though but the hell would i know#so... aleksi taking up bad habits + olli's weird behaviour + secret glances and maybe low-key avoiding each other = ???#my theory is still that they hooked up and are now forced to deal with the consequences đ¶#''how are they avoiding each other exactly?'' one might ask and worry not! i am prepared for counterarguments! âïž#to put it briefly: the delulu in me says so đ#(this applies to everything i wrote above đ i'm writing this just for my and y'all's entertainment you know)#ollixallu#answered asks#sparfloxacin
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living alone is amazing!!!!
#at first it was hard and a bit scary#but now it's amazing#just me myself and i#and i'm loving it#i'm living my best life rn#and now i'm kinda scared i won't want anyone living with me#it's quite and i can fill the silence in any way i want or don't#i do still want to love someone and spend time with them#but every time i think about having to clean up after someone else or learn their habits#pushes me off the idea of living with someone#i hope that will change cuz i really don't want to be alone for the rest of my life
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there is something deeply wrong with me
#sorry for the ventposting at 1pm on a sunday but like#having panic attacks and wanting to cut ties with all my friends when even the passing mention of any kind of disease is brought up#is not healthy. it definitely is something that i should probably go to therapy for#but i can't fix the problem now#because it's not even that it's an irrational fear. it is a very rational fear.#i don't want to get sick because there's a chance i'll never recover#and getting sick once makes it easier to get sick again for the rest of your life#and so it's just a downward spiral that once it happens once.#you're fucked. it's over.#and the fear keeps me careful#and so if i try to fix the fear. i'm putting myself in danger#and so i'd have to wait until cases aren't so prevalent to fix the fear.#which may never happen!!! this might just be my life now!!!#i might be an anxious agoraphobe forever. there may be no fixing me#and i want to have friends and i want to live a life#but that puts me at risk#and i don't think it's worth it#i might as well just be alone because at least i won't be a murderer then#vent
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jade!! I come on hands and knees begging for more rockstar!remus with shy!reader. I LOVE THEM. how are they doing?!
thank you for requesting! fem, 1k
You fit the part, tonight. Marlene has dressed you in her clothes âyou wear a dark jacket covered in gothic, skeletal linework, a skirt barely long enough to show beneath it, with black tights and tall shoes.Â
Remus isnât sure what it is about the slightly too big jacket that he likes so much. Maybe itâs your thighs on show, shadowed flanks of softness he knows too well. It could be your eyes, their ringing of dark kohl, your lengthened lashes. Perhaps itâs none of those things. After all, Remus has always loved to watch you laugh.Â
James thrusts his pint against yours, a splash of his cherry cider lapping the end of the cup to seep into your lemonade. Remus is unsure if thereâs anything in it of substance, but you sip it through a breathless laugh and confirm that it hasnât changed. No harm, no foul.Â
Remus taps his cigarette carton against the table out of habit. Sirius reaches for him before Remus has even split the seal, fingers pinching, pale hand expectant. Remus knocks into them with the carton and turns so Sirius canât see him opening the box. âThought you were off them?â Remus asks, quiet with the slower atmosphere at the table, so far from the bar.Â
âCan anyone ever really be off them?â Sirius asks.Â
He pressed himself into Remusâ arm, all the overfamiliarity of a best, best friend. Searching for comfort and selfish vices.Â
Remus hugs him suddenly, a rough arm around the back of his head in a hold that tugs curls as he uses the other hand to slide a cigarette between his lips. âHere, you baby.â
âFuck off,â Sirius says around it.Â
Remus takes his own cigarette and shoves the box back in his pocket. Sirius lights his own, lights Remusâ, and together they tip their heads back, getting a glance at the oranging ceiling and the upstairs drinking pit.Â
âSheâs sweet, letting Marl dress her up a bit.âÂ
âMakes Marlene feel better,â Remus says.Â
âYeah, it does. Reckon she and Mary will mend it?âÂ
Remus shrugs. The love triangle between Mary, Marlene and Dorcas is confusing. He loves them, though, so itâs a confusing he understands. âIt won't be long before we find out.âÂ
You, James and Emmeline begin to make your way back to the table. You have two drinks each, too many for the amount of people, though none of you seem to have noticed. Youâre just giggling and meandering around low chairs until you get there.Â
James slams his drinks down and grabs you from the side. âMy sweethearts, I return the sweethearts.âÂ
âCan I have one?â Emmeline asks.Â
Remus passes her the cigarette carton dutifully.Â
âCan Iââ
âNo,â Remus says.Â
You squint at him. âDonât be weird,â you say, embarrassed, taking the box when Emme passes it, sliding it between painted lips, âIâm not a baby.âÂ
You talk around the cigarette with the ease of practice. If thereâs one thing life on the road gives, itâs addiction. Remus is thankful that you and all of your friends chose nicotine.Â
âYouâre trying to quit.â Remus feels the funny burn of smoke as he inhales again. âAnd Iâm trying to help you.âÂ
âSame help you gave Sirius, clearly,â James says.Â
âCâmere,â Remus says, opening his arm for you. âCome on.âÂ
You grin and weave around Emme to his side of the table, propping a drink in front of him. âFor you.âÂ
âThank you.â He blows smoke as far from your face as he can manage and tucks you under his arm.Â
The makeup on your lips is rubbing off, a darker outlining with light insides, but itâs enough to express Marlâs taste. Remus will be happy to kiss the rest of it away later on, when James and Sirius are drunk enough to become openly obsessed with one another and leave him alone, carving out some rare alone time.Â
You smoke as Remus taught you to. He remembers the day, your shaking, his chest pain, not wanting to corrupt you and yet enlivened by the way you looked trying to foster the flame at the end of it. Nicotine helps calm your nerves, which youâre often in need of, but Remus never meant for it to become a crux. He snuffs his cigarette in the ashtray and catches yours to do the same, barely two puffs in.Â
âWhaââ
âLet me have a look at you,â he says.Â
Your friends scoff and jeer but quickly move on. Remus catches your chin between his fingers.Â
Heâs not like Sirius. He couldnât do this to any girl, canât seduce like that, but itâs not any girl he touches. Your eyes go to swimming pleasure as he pulls you forward, edging downward to kiss you. You both taste of smoke, of drink, and it would put him off if there wasnât something sweeter to be chased in your mouth. He kisses you like thereâs no one at the table but you.
Heâs had more to drink than he thinks.Â
âYou taste like jaeger,â you say, pulling away with cheeks heâd find hot if he were to cradle and a shy smile.Â
âDo I?âÂ
âThatâs a thousand times worse for you than those, you know.â You point at his quickly dwindling pack of cigarettes.Â
Remus curls an arm behind your neck and kisses you again. James cheers, says, âFuck, I wish Moony kissed me like that,â and Remus tries his best to ignore him, but youâre laughing. The kiss breaks.
âJust ask him nicely like I do,â you advise.Â
âYou know that doesnât work!â James says, tipping his head back with a hand to the forehead. âI always ask him nicely, he just doesnât want to kiss me. Must be something about youâŠâ He gives a huge smile as he lifts his cider. âSomething I donât have?âÂ
âImpossible,â Sirius says blithely, âyouâve everything, gorgeous boy.âÂ
âSomething about you,â Remus echoes.Â
You shake your head minutely, a silent warning. Donât flirt with me, it says. Donât torture me.Â
âHow do you want the answer?â Remus asks, sliding his arm back behind your shoulders, pulling your burning face against his neck. âI can give it to you in an essay or a list, but itâs an extensive explanation.âÂ
âWrite it down for me.â
#remus lupin x reader#remus lupin x fem!reader#remus lupin fluff#remus lupin x you#remus lupin x y/n#marauders era#remus x reader#remus x you#marauders#remus lupin drabble#remus lupin blurb#marauders x reader#remus lupin imagine#remus lupin fanfic#remus lupin fanfiction#the marauders
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tag dump: updating tags & new verses!
#âcharacter studyâwhatâs worse? telling you my feelings or to die without revealing?#âask memesâthese things have become nothing but plays on words like days of old they serve to instill fear & wonder in children#âplotting callâautumn is marching on: even the scarecrows are wearing dead leaves#âstarter callâin a drop of your blood is there a shimmering resonance of the evening glow of this worldâs sunset?#âinbox callâit's not good to hide your wounds you know // i'm looking after you#âaffiliates callâas we rest here alone like notes on a page the finest to compose could not play our pain#âshipping callâwell i won't die for love but ever since i met you you could have my heart and I would break it for you#âmains callâwe touched heaven in the midst of hell we kissed the stars before they fell#âmodern verseâbut if you knew you might not be able to see it again everything would become special & precious wouldnât it?#âanbu verseâit's like I'm leaving all my past & silhouettes up on the wall#âdefector auâi'm ready to lie but say i won't so tell me your secrets & join me in pieces to rot in this garden made of stones#âsurvival auâfear is what beats inside her heart in the place where life used to be#âmain verseâthere will come a time when you might have to decide who lives & dies out there / itâs a terrible responsibility#âacademy days verseâthereâs some good in this world & itâs worth fighting for#âicâè±ăźèČăŻăă€ăă«ăăăȘăăă„ăă«ăăèș«äžă«ă”ăăȘăăăăăŸă«#âopen starterâothers may forget you but i am haunted by your beautiful ghost others may forget you but i am haunted by your beautiful ghost#âscheduled postâi hope saying goodnight doesnât mean saying goodbye#âqueueâaway on a mission#âanonymous inquiriesâwhat about all the times you said you had all the answers?#âansweredâthese words are not used for anything else thatâs why there is probably no reason to honor the promise from long ago#âsubmitted postâof a summer that came and went / for one last nigh / a sign at least / remained#âwishlistâćżăăăźèĄăæ«ăŸă§ăŻăăăăă°ä»æ„ăéăăźćœăšăăăȘ#âsavedâdes souvenirs dâune patrie perdue de lâespoir dâune terre promise#âpromoâi believe that there is another world waiting for us a better world & iâll be waiting for you there#âself promoâyouâll remember me when the west wind moves upon the fields of barley as we walk in fields of gold#âdash gamesâhow can i blame the cherry blossoms for rejecting this floating world & drifting away as the wind calls them?#âdash commentaryâplease forgive me oh mountain path of autumn#âheadcanonâi am not afraid to die but i am afraid to leave you here#âvisageâăČăăăăźć
ăźă©ăăæ„ăźæ„ă«ăă„ćżăȘăè±ăźæŁăăă#âmusicâagain this evening ancient rain is singing the same ancient song
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