#I TRIED AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS
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When they get a chance during a lull in Scion activities, Estinien approaches Urianger and asks: I'm looking for inspiration, or guidance, for writing a love letter, and you seem like you'd make a good example; you and Adri suit each other well. If you were writing that sort of letter for him, what would you put in it? What would you say you love most about him?
"Ah, Ser Estinien, a pleasure to receive thy company. A love letter, thou sayest? Ah-"
A blush rises to his cheeks at the compliment, and he averts his gaze for a moment.
"Thou art... Too kind. Though, one can't help but wonder if one's personal thoughts wouldst be befitting of another's inspiration... Regardless, I will do my best in hopes that it might... Prove... Inspirational."
He's flustered, but he clears his throat and thinks for a moment.
"My dearest Starlight. There is no greater blessing on this star than to be graced by thy presence, to savor thine company within my heart until we are next fated to meet. That fortune wouldst smile upon mine uneasy soul and chance wouldst bring thee to me, there is truly no gift in comparison. It is all I can do but count the moments until I see thy fair and ethereal visage come to return, and it is then when I feel most graced by every star within night's vast expanse. For it is when thou smilest upon me that I feel what it means to love and be loved."
He blinks, realizing he went off on one of those tangents again, clearing his throat.
"Or... SOMETHING to that degree, at any rate. I... Hope that was of help."
#HOO BOY this one was a doozy to write#I TRIED AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS#answers#fovember#written in the stars
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10 years later
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#yuji itadori#fushiguro megumi#nobara kugisaki#itafushi#itafushikugi#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#least heterosexual group photo ive ever drawn tbh#u have the kings of subtle pda and their judgy lesbian third wheel#this does remind me a lot of the kind of art i used to do jhgdjghdfj#specifically that one furuba main trio piece i did forever ago. same vibe better art#anyway......i tried my best........ i tried so hard#i do not know how old they look . the goal was 25/26 but atp i've gaslit myself into thinking they look the same#especially megumi im so . throws hands in the air in defeat#but idk what else i can do cries at least i like it??? i think???????#i don't know!!! if they look younger than 25 whatever!!!!!!!!#why is it so hard fr me to make chars look older im gna slam my head against the door#maybe its fine. idc <- (lie)#in other news itfs are married fight me abt it . yuuji rockin the right hand ring fr Lack Of Finger reasons#also i am Eating nobara's fit . she might also look a bit younger than intended the more i look at her gDI why cant i have nice things#new hairstyle carrying tbh. i think she would a. grow it out and b. switch the side she parts it on to make Seeing easier#god just take it all tht really matters 2 me is low pony nobara and Rings On Fingers itfs#i did my time in yoi i know how to make wedding bands Work
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i have neither a good imagination nor aphantasia, but a secret third thing
#adhd#doodles#show this to your therapist instead of failing to explain it like i did#me: its like i cant control my thoughts like i was trying to think of something earlier today but#all i could think of was this giraffe eating leaves and no matter how hard i tried to focus the thought would just. replay#my therapist: what happens if you try to let the thought just play out#me: ........ i dont know but i dont want it to be there at all when im trying to do simple addition in a maths exam#10k#100k
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FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT!!
Even if most people are just joking, it bothers me when other people actually think it's all due to a failed relationship when the problem is actually bigger than that. Vi getting to this point isn't because she broke up with Caitlyn. She has bigger, more difficult things going on than just a failed relationship. Adding to that the most painful factor for Vi is when she fights Jinx, which is one of the factors that really affects her. She went from being protective of her sister to "hurting" her sister. (Even though her sister Jinx brought this on herself, but anyway)
"Losing Caitlyn was the last straw, as they say"
Caitlyn was the one who got Vi out of prison, She got her out of the worst place Vi had ever been in. And Caitlyn was the last person Vi could trust and now she's gone.
I mean you can see she wasn't that miserable when she was in prison because she said herself, "The only thing that kept me going, was the thought of getting back to you." Now her sister is gone and Caitlyn is gone, the only two people left in her life. It's only natural that she would come to this point after literally losing everything.
Vi now has no hope no purpose and no one left after all the people she's lost along the way. It's really hard for Vi.
#I know Caitlyn didn't mean to leave Vi no matter what. She was definitely sad and angry.#Caitlyn always tried to do good things all the time but unfortunately most of the time things ended in tragedy like Vi 💔#vi#twitter#arcane violet#vi arcane#arcane vi#caitlyn#caitlyn kiramman#caitlyn arcane#jinx#jinx arcane#arcane jinx#ekko#ekko arcane#vander#vander arcane#arcane#arcane league of legends#arcane season 2#arcane season 1#league of legends#arcane netflix#piltover’s finest#caitvi#violyn#piltoversfinest#..
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Wrote this pantoum today
I'm not even sure I did it correctly
But either way I'm proud of myself
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the triad of all time actually!
#scogean#very loosely based on their xmen '97 outfits#I think this is the best feminine character I've drawn to date I had a lot of fun drawing jean#tried to make logan look short as usual by sitting on the floor#x throuple#the fact that this is canon in all the ways that matters except. that one editor is wild to me#drew this to numb the pain that logan and scott aren't speaking rn and jean is in space (is Phoenix#1 current timeline?)#im so happy I got back into xmen augh#expect more of them#not to this render level though I think I'll simply perish#I stay the guy giving the traumatized characters a fucking rest#jean grey and her husband and their boyfriend & rival#jean x scott x logan#scogan#marvel xmen#xmen fanart#x men#uncanny xmen#logan howlett#wolverine#jean grey#marvel girl#scott summers#cyclops#jeanscott#jogan#tried some new ways to paint skin in this as well#might make a post showing that!!#spectrecowboy art
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more hades x dmc to celebrate going on uni break >:))
#devil may cry#dmc#hades#hades ii#hades game#dmc x hades#lady dmc#dmc lady#dmc fanart#devil may cry fanart#hades fan art#crossover fanart#this was prolly my fave design to do#kalina ann was a challenge tho im not the greatest at prop art HSJKSDHJKA#errmmm but i tried <33 and thats all that matters
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Hook, line and sinker: Larys and Alicent // Larys and Aegon
#house of the dragon#larys strong#alicent hightower#aegon ii targaryen#larystrongedit#alicenthightoweredit#aegoniitargaryenedit#hotdedit#aegon x larys#alicent x larys#gameofthronesdaily#targaryensource#welighttheway#mariana does things#photoset#*hotd#larys is so crazy for doing almost word for word what he did to alicent lmfao#you've got the initial flattery; a recognition of how they feel or they see themselves#then something that worries them; something to create empathy. I See You and I Know How You Feel#and last the bit where larys makes himself useful as a spymaster or as an ally and tries to create a wedge. rhaenyra¸ otto it's all the sam#to him.#i really like that his process is successful bc first you get alicent wanting to leave politely 'weather's lovely isn't it?' to 'what do yo#know about the matter of his leaving?' & aegon groaning bc he doesn't want to talk to larys but he's intrigued by him 'how?'
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When Diana and her twin Jason was born after her, Jason was left to be disposed off in Amazon, only for him to disappear a second later.
Clockwork saw the possibility and took the freshly wet newborn swapping him with The Fenton's stillborn.
For what he saw in the possibility of the future was nearly endless as he did what he had to do.. for the best outcome to come forth..
A pebble here, a rocket ship toy there, an inch of furniture moved then so that incident doesn't happen, a poster paper on that tree. Minor tiny changes to help bring the visual to the present.
All leading to clockwork giving 19 year old sleep deprived danny an small yet important task to deliver a scroll in another dimension leading up to his body regressed in that dimension timeline the moment he slipped in and out the portal.
Diana knew she had a twin brother out there.. and she was going to find him.
What she didn't know that he was literally falling into her arms, when she and Superman went to check on the Glowing lararus pit portal made near metropolis.
Tiny little boy who look completely tired as he went unconscious holding a purple and green scroll in his hands, wearing clothes 3 times his size.
#dc x dp#dpxdc#danny phantom#dp x dc crossover#dp x dc#dc x dp prompt#dcxdp#danny is the ghost king#de aged danny#diana had a twin brother name jason#i put a spin on Clockwork having a personal room where all his descendants childrens lifes to watch like tela neuva#he took a chance on danny and saw endless possibilities#batman in the background hiding adoption forms if diana doesn't want him#diana has a spray bottle of ice cold water with your name on it bruce#she ain't handing her twin brother no matter how old he be#the age regress limit is up to y'all#danny is a little shit#this boy has so much trauma and chaos packed into him like a overstuffed about to rip bag of candy#it would explained while ellie came out a girl when vlad tried to clone him that one time
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So you're a go to source for all things Dick&Tim bros and you tend to write primarily from Dick's POV. So, odd question, but if you were to summarize their relationship from his POV in FIVE panels which panels would you pick? Keeping in mind that one specific aspect of their relationship that you love needs to be clearly represented by each panel (loyalty, trust etc). I hope this is a fun challenge and not an annoying question so if you don't want to answer that's cool! Have a wonderful day!
No more talk. The same thoughts run through two minds... (SotB 29) / You're my equal. My closest ally. (RR 1) / I can't stop thinking how much I rely on him. (GoG 3)
25 Feelings Dick Has About Tim
This was such a kind ask & a cool challenge which I totally failed; here are TWENTY-five panels of Dick's POV on Tim sdfdsfds Look, I got carried away! Marcia and Cindy! The boys!!
OKAY SO BEFORE I GET TO THE PANELS A FEW NOTES:
WARNING THAT THERE ARE SOME NEGATIVE EMOTIONS IN HERE because I love conflict but but but you gotta remember those are not the final word!! They are complicated people and sometimes they get mad at each other BUT ultimately their relationship is so hugely important in both their lives & they love each other and rely on each other so much -!!! <3
Also I have CONCLUDING THOUGHTS at the end about what Dick's POV leaves out (mostly: a lot of Dick defending & protecting & supporting Tim, which Dick does instinctively but isn't very self-aware about most of the time)
I have loosely organized my list into 5^5 format (5 categories with 5 examples each!), so if you want to skip to a relevant one, here are the categories!!
Below the cut:
I hate him and find him infuriating (#1-5)
On second thought, he's endearing & fun (#6-10)
Grief is complicated & he's all tangled up in mine (#11-15)
I love him & think highly of him (#16-20)
I rely on him & though it's hard for me, I trust him (#21-25)
I hate him and find him infuriating (#1 - 5)
1) He thinks he’s so smart and can psychoanalyze me and Bruce, but he doesn’t know me at all, he should get lost (New Titans 61)
2) He thinks he’s so smart and can psychoanalyze Bruce but he doesn’t know Bruce at all, he should get lost (Gotham Knights 26)
3) He is so nosy about stuff that is MY business (Robin 0)
4) He sounds like an insincere suck-up half the time... but okay, fine, if you push him he's got a sense of humor about it (New Titans 65)
5) I'm sure he's a better vigilante than me. It's my fault for being a failure, but I resent him anyway. (Nightwing 9 - Dick's having a nightmare)
On second thought, he's kinda endearing (#6-10)
6) He worries too much and gets anxious so easily, but it makes him fun to tease (Robin 67)
7) I'm not that competitive - okay, so maybe I'm a little competitive, I gotta make sure he doesn't get a swelled head (Prodigal)
8) I'm supposed to be his favorite! It is not cool for him to be fanboying over my not-girlfriend's not-boyfriend!! (Birds of Prey 19)
9) We have fun together. I can kick back and relax when it's just the two of us. Plus I get to boss him around a bit. (Prodigal)
10) He’s always trying to reassure me, and I guess it's a little comforting, but also he doesn’t really get it. Or me. He makes excuses that he shouldn't, because he doesn't understand that I suck. (Nightwing 64)
Grief is complicated and he's all tangled up in mine (#11 - 15)
11) He reminds me of everything I try not to think about. Sometimes the memories are so strong it hurts to look at him. (Batman 441)
12) WHY IS HE BEING IMPOSSIBLE ALL OF A SUDDEN??? THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING (Nightwing 139)
13) We're the same. He says all the things I don't let myself think about. It's like arguing with myself. (Nightwing 139)
14) He thinks he gets to tell me what to do but he doesn’t, fuck him (Battle for the Cowl)
15) Life sucks, so what. I sucked it up so he should too (RR 1)
I love him and think highly of him (#16 - 20)
16) He’s the closest thing to a brother I’ll ever have. If someone hurts him I will hurt them harder. (Nightwing 6)
17) I can't handle the idea of losing him. (Nightwing 97)
17) He’s so good and I’m not. I'm afraid I’m bad for him. (Nightwing 110)
18) He’s better than me, and it’s kind of a relief because I know no matter what he’ll be okay. (Gates of Gotham 3)
19) In my head he’s the responsible one. (Gotham Knights 10)
I rely on him, and though it's hard for me, I trust him (#20-25)
20) I know I have to trust him but I'm afraid he'll make the wrong choices and get hurt (Nightwing 139)
21) I'm sure I know what he should do because I see myself in him - not that I can take my own advice, but he should (Blackest Night 3)
22) I trust him. When I’m losing my grip on things, he pulls me back. (Gotham Knights 10)
23) I want him to trust me (Red Robin 12)
24) He can tell when I'm lying. Sometimes he sees my weaknesses better than I wish he did. (Detective Comics 874)
25) He’s always there when I need him. (Teen Titans / Outsiders Secret Files)
Final rambling thoughts:
TIM: Uhh, okay, so I'm just skimming this list - do you really trust me? you're not just saying that? - but anyway, I'm confused because you left some stuff out? Like some stuff that's kinda important? DICK: No? I think I got everything? TIM (starts counting on his fingers): The time I was having a bad day but then I called you. The time I got captured by Two-Face but then you saved me. The time I fell off a train but then you saved me. The time I fell off a building but then you saved me. The time I fell off a different building - DICK: I feel like you're trying to make some kind of point but I'm not sure what it could be.
SO THE THING IS, I put 25 panels in here and not a single one has Dick catching Tim when he’s falling!!! But I think that's a central motif of their relationship from Tim’s POV, not Dick’s. I love Dick, but in some ways I think he is spectacularly un-self-aware.
And I think he especially has a lot of blind spots about Tim. He kinda intermittently gets that Tim admires him, and he enjoys it in a playful I-get-to-boss-you-around way. But Dick tends to consistently underestimate all of his own good qualities & skills, and he meets Tim at a point in his life when he's especially down on himself & his abilities. And so he's unable to see his own influence on Tim, & therefore unable to fully understand a lot of Tim's priorities and loyalties and motivations, because you can't actually understand Tim without understanding Dick's impact on him. There's a fascinating moment in Bruce Wayne: Murderer when Dick's completely blindsided & upset to discover that Tim doesn't entirely trust Bruce, even though this has been a definitive fact of Tim's whole thing ever since he showed up with his Batman needs Robin theory, and Barbara has to actively remind Dick of the obvious-to-everyone-except-Dick fact that a lot of Tim's loyalty is to Dick, and Tim loves Bruce but feels free to be more wary of him. (And to give Bruce credit: this is not something he ever begrudges.) But anyway Babs points this out, and Dick manages to sorta process it for about five seconds, but he cannot actually accept it into his worldview so instead he discards it at the speed of light and goes off and has an argument with Tim instead sdfsfdsf
All of Dick's virtues - Dick's kindness at the circus and Dick's determination to fight through grief and Dick's rigid sense of morals and Dick's vigilante skills and every time Dick has ever backed Tim up or listened to him or protected him or saved him from something or just been casually kind to a stranger in Tim's presence etc etc etc - all these things loom really large in Tim's mental story of Who Dick Is, and What Dick And Tim's Relationship Is. Tim meets Dick before he meets Bruce, trusts Dick more than Bruce, aspires to be Robin instead of Batman. And so in Tim's default version of the story, Dick is the super-special and admirable hero and Tim is... nobody in particular, a tagalong outsider who's barely managing to be a hero, not part of Dick and Bruce's family and not part of their story, who, if he's VERY LUCKY and tries REALLY HARD, might be able to fight his way to proving himself and offering something to Dick that Dick will value, if Dick doesn't get fed up with him first.
But that's not Dick's version of the story!!!
Dick's version of the story is almost the exact opposite, a story where Dick's an outcast failure black sheep who's screwing up everything he tries, and meanwhile Tim is The Sudden New Perfect Robin Who's Better Than Me And Probably Bruce Loves Him More And Probably They Gossip About What A Loser I Am, mixed with a complicated edge of Tim Thinks He's So Smart But He Doesn't Know Me/Us At All. Dick gets much more attached to Tim over time, and Tim gets unnervingly better at the know-it-all psychoanalysis so then Dick gets to have complicated feelings about him being right instead of just annoyance at him for being wrong, plus Dick's relationship with Bruce improves a lot, so Tim stops feeling so threatening. But Dick never fundamentally changes his basic theory of their relationship in which Tim is highly impressive and capable, and Dick is not so much.
And so asking Dick about Tim is kinda like if you asked George Bailey to tell you about Harry Bailey in It's A Wonderful Life; like, you'll be there for five hours while he tells you how great Harry is, and how accomplished Harry is, and how he doesn't really get how or why Harry does the things he does, and maybe George does feel a little resentful or jealous sometimes, but that pales in comparison to all his admiration and trust for Harry who he loves so much, who's better than him in so many ways, and he's not gonna openly gripe but secretly he can't help but feel sometimes like he's such a failure in comparison to Harry, a perfect person who emerged fully formed from Zeus's head with all the virtues and also all the accomplishments, etc. etc. etc. --
-- and he will not actually remember the part where he changed and saved Harry's whole entire life unless you literally send him to an alternate timeline in order to force him to remember it. <3
#i enjoyed thinking about this so much i wrote a novel with All My Thoughts sorry sdfsdfs#tim drake#dick grayson#somewhat tangential but as i was writing this i was thinking about zahri's post#about how different types of stories offer different kinds of emotional payoffs#and i think for me for dick and tim the main two payoffs are:#1) someone who sees & understands your grief for deaths that will never get fixed or get better#and who will face your ghosts with you EVEN WHEN you're also mad at each other#2) someone who you look at and you see all the ways that you suck & he's better & you're a loser who's failed him etc etc#but it turns out that you're wrong. that you're good enough. not that none of the failures were real or that they were all in your head#but it turns out that it's okay that you didn't always immediately do or feel the right thing#and it's okay that you weren't perfect. you can fuck up six thousand ways & everything you did right will still matter#not because of making excuses or allowances or somebody pityingly trying to make you feel better#but because in the end the things you did right are just Genuinely More Valuable than anything you did wrong#all the times you tried & everything that you tried to give - everything you think wasn't good enough - it was.#IN OTHER WORDS they are both convinced they're not good enough & they are both wrong <3#anyway dick and tim are both INCREDIBLY SIMILAR and also CONSTANTLY misreading each other and i love that for them#and like. they will sometimes totally misread each other & then never figure out the part that they misunderstood#but then they manage to keep going anyway. we love each other on purpose <333#ask tag#dick&tim
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does anyone ever feel that they’re like. too neurodivergent to fit into normal society but not neurodivergent enough to relate to other neurodivergent people or is that just me
#neurodivergent#adhd#autism#this post is actually ab adhd#i just saw a post that was like “ive tried everything#and i went. oh wait#do i even rlly have adhd??#i have attention problems#i have trouble reading social cues#but i dont hyperfixtate so heavily anymore and i dont struggle academically besides remembering to study and do homework#but you wouldn’t think i have adhd -ppl assume im just slow or weird because i dont visibly struggle and im not hyperactive at all#i feel so normal yet so strange compared to everyone else#im formally diagnosed with adhd but i feel like im not adhd enough for my struggles to matter#i hate talking about this because it feels like such a pity party#ohhhh woe is meeee my neurodivergence is manageable so i feel left out ohhhh the agonyyy ohhh#just some thoughts
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merlin’s secret being a visual thing. when he is around arthur or gwen or leon or morgana or [insert whatever character here] merlin seems pale and thin, almost like a ghost or an apparition. when the sun lands on him he reflects it like a corpse, he eyes seem dark and dull. he has this ethereal beauty to him, this otherworldly visage that leads many to believe he is of fae blood. he just doesn’t seem to be 100% human. but when he is ONLY with lancelot or gaius (cough or gwaine bc gwaine DEFINITELY knew) merlin is heartachingly human. merlin shines in the sunlight, colors are brighter and more vibrant around him, and his smiles are wide and his laughs are boisterous. he takes on color and leaves everyone wanting to know him. but when other join in or interact with the two, merlin shifts before their eyes so quickly and suddenly that they aren’t sure whether or not what they saw was a trick of the light. the idea still leaves them wanting more and wanting to see the merlin who is just so full of life but that merlin only appears for a small select group of people. merlin who has a guard so high that it has an effect of other’s perception of him.
#arthur is absolutely steaming about this btw#he so desparately wants to be in the golden bubble around merlin in those moments#but his mere presence seems to pop it#hes fuming#its not until after the magic ban is repealed that everyone gets to see the glowing golden merlin#and they finally realize what the trick of the light was#merlin who is magic incarnate who (no matter how hard he tries) cannot fully repress what makes him him#arthur who finally gets to be in the golden bubble and its so much better than he ever couldve imagined#merlins magic is finally able to roam free the way it only could with a few people#merlins magic who absolutely adores arthur and is constantly reaching out for him even if him and merlin arent in the same vicinity#lmao arthur bringing up how merlins magic likes to card thru his hair and ease any sore muscles he may have#and lancelot and gwaine going ‘wtf? what about my muscles and hair?? merlin hates me?? merlin is playing favorites???? jail.’#bbc merlin#merlin emrys#arthur pendragon#merthur#subtle magic my beloved#visibly Strange merlin my dear#idk i was thinking about pre-magic reveal!arthur watching merlin and lancelot talking and then pouting and going#‘why doesnt he smile and look at me like that? :(‘#and then post-magic reveal!arthur having a moment of realization and going#like ‘oh hes hiding a huge part of what makes him him. i only know half of my best friend.’#and then setting out to know ALL of him bc arthur and merlin are soulmates and in love and two sides of the same coin and best friends and-#im going thru my drafts and finding so many banger posts#idk why i never posted them LMAOO
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N2 Floyd in the first movie
Sad little man got himself captured :(
He also gets punched in the face, but that's neither here nor there lmao
Also sorry for not posting for a fat minute I've been busy XD
Bonus: What John and Branch be doing
RIP in pieces John Dory, you were a brave troll and will be missed
I've got some more doodles of them going through it in the first movie, maybe we will see them soon teehee .
#my art#trolls au#dreamworks trolls#trolls#trolls 3#trolls john dory#trolls floyd#trolls branch#trolls oc#n2 au#not the only one au#ye floyd is singing that song from DBH#its a good song#and he also cant hue shift cuz depression and stress#that little sketch of bridget was the first time ive drawn her#shes so freaking cute#she reminds me of my aunt#also someone seems to recognize floyds little angry face#i wonder why#hehe#i say having out the reason why in the picture#john and Branch are also going through it#cuz in the dream this originates from jd legit tried to throw hands with a whole ass bergen#and loses obviously but he tried and thats all that matters#branch is just losing brothers by the second#hes obvi gonna assume Floyds already dead and then JD is family guy death posing in front of him#but he still goes out to help poppy#cuz john asked and hes also in love with poppy so he wouldve gone eventually either way#and he doesnt want floyd to get left behind 🥺#like a certain green someone hehe
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"i dont hate this female character, i just have a nuanced take on her" and the nuanced take is comically stereotypical misogyny
#cough cough#i dont think i need to say it#meows post#edit i changed my mind im tagging this#teruhashi kokomi#mabel pines#ashley campbell#princess celestia#madoka kaname#also wanna say princess bubblegum and pink diamond but ik people are just gonna go 'blah blah blah but they actually did things wrong blah'#like yea i KNOW and thats not what im talking about#ALL these characters did things wrong because theyre developed and well rounded characters#like yes if pink diamond were a man she would still be criticized for what she did#but would people talk about him the way they do her? would they debate if his naivety was just disguised evil?#would they treat every mistake like it makes him an overall evil villain and erases all the things he did right? and his good intentions?#would they ignore all reasons he had for going as far as he did and say 'he shouldve found a better way' no matter how hard he alr tried?#pink diamond#rose quartz#princess bubblegum
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Seinfeld (1989 - 1998) 6.23 The Face Painter
#seinfeld#jerry seinfeld#elaine benes#seinfeldedit#tvedit#tvarchive#televisiongifs#sitcomedit#chewieblog#userbbelcher#*mystuff#this is dedicated to my upstairs neighbors blasting the worst possible music at 3am#the day when i hadn't slept at all for 24+ hours and i needed sleep the most#after i tried to signal to turn the music down it's 3am after all this is unacceptable no matter what#they turned it up even louder!#what kind of psychopathic behavior#i had to take not one but 2 benzos just to calm down and drug myself to sleep#i hate people#i truly hate them#btw the guy that lives upstairs turns out is a cop or something like it.. so just great all around i truly hate my life
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mmmmmm read a disciple shen yuan/shizun luo binghe fanfic about two days ago where the first chapter was the Immortal Conference arc, and SQQ was the one who had to be pushed into the abyss (he was still the villain) except Luo Binghe was refusing and was like, lowkey losing his mind about SQQ being so close to the edge. SQQ ended up having to be the one to fall in himself because of the system's punishment system. The rest of the fic is leading up to that moment. But like, MMM i've been obsessively thinking about that first chapter for DAYS ever since.
now i've been in svsss for a grand total of *checks watch* a week. but god obsessed with that. I want to write/read a fic where disciple SQQ goes a little nuts down there. Like keep all of the things that make SQQ, SQQ, but just. Throw in a little bit more trauma in there. A little bit of a mental break. Let him go a little nuts as a treat. Just a tad unhinged. I wanna see him go, just a little, "god fuck it, i've tried so hard to change this shitty story's outcome and it feels like everything i've done has been for nothing. I'm going to die in this world no matter what I do, I've been doomed from the start, so might as well die the way I want to." and he just, breaks a little! Under all the stress.
He still retains the traits that makes shen yuan, shen yuan, like his overwhelming kindness. But he's just! yk. A little less patient. Paranoid. Jumpy. Colder. A little more aloof and closed off. A little more Shen Jiu. He's no asshole child abuser, but he was a Number One Hater in his past life and he's leaning into that old habit a little more now.
(On a totally coincidental not-at-all related note, there's not enough SJ-and-SY-are-the-same-people fics out there that i've found. This is totally unrelated...)
The Endless Abyss turns the mind into an over-sharpened blade, and SQQ is both fascinated and perhaps a little excited to explore a place that doesn't have a lot of info on it in the mortal realm, but still terrified out of his mind. And he's no Luo Binghe, he doesn't have the sheer brute strength and power to just bulldoze his way through, so he has to be a lot more sneaky and cunning if he wants to survive.
The fic itself role-swapped LBH and SQQ so that SQQ was the half-demon (which lowkey fucks) and LBH the human, but I'm equally-if-not-more obsessed with the idea that LBH remains the half-heavenly demon and SQQ the human. If only because I keep thinking about SQQ befriending some demons (particularly and specifically a group of succubi) and they grow very attached to this Human Cultivator so through magic plot stuff they create some kind of seal/illusion/talisman that makes SQQ appear as a demon because a human cultivator in the endless abyss may as well be the equivalent of putting a giant neon target on your back.
And iirc Shen Jiu was taught demonic cultivation by that one guy(?? i've only been here a week so im not caught up in ALL of the lore yet) so that could totally happen here.
(On the other end of the realms, poor Shizun Luo Binghe is just. losing his fucking mind over losing his most precious and beloved disciple. About .5 seconds from burning down the peaks himself. somebody sedate him.)
The Endless Abyss sucks and SQQ is having a really terrible time and can feel himself going lowkey mad, but also holy shit look at all this WORLD-BUILDING. look at all this flora and fauna, and oh if he had the equipment for it he'd be writing all of this down. ALL OF IT. He was kinda-sorta-already planning on never leaving the Abyss as some sort of fucked up self-exile and self-preservation thing, but now he might? actually just?? never leave if he can help it, like he lowkey likes it down here.
anyways the next time anyone ever sees SQQ again he's got hair so long its almost touching the ground and he's either in rags and half-feral or he's been completely dolled up by his adoptive succubi sisters and still about three seconds from biting anyone who tries to touch him. (he's also lowkey trying to book it back down to the abyss even if he has desperately missed all of his friends and shizun)
#mxtx svsss#svsss au#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#luo binghe#disciple shen yuan#scum villain#svsss#*points at SQQ/SY* i want him to go nuts. as a treat. let him crumble just a little over the stress of his fate and the stress of survival#and the stress of having a lack of autonomy over a handful of his decisions. starry craves angst and she craves a very specific SQQ angst#he was a number 1 hater back in the day and lbr being a hater takes energyyyy. ive heard that this man was the BIGGEST hater i wanna#see him rip a man to shreds with nothing but his tongue and a voice that could cut marble clean in half. skin a man alive sqq you deserve i#*mortal kombat voice* FINISH HIM#i love without-a-cure but unfortunately i dont think SQQ would be able to have WAC and also survive in the abyss.#the succubi nest that adopted him tried seducing him at first. it didn't work. but he did somehow charm them with his cringefail ways#so now they have a brand new mortal big/little brother to dote on. SQQ is frankly delighted to learn all about succubi culture that doesnt#revolve around sex. he makes quite a few friends/allies in the abyss because of his pure fascination and unbiased desire to learn about#demonic culture and all the different niches and nuances of it across species. he's still going insane tho. like that's not stopping.#there's a single LBH pov chapter in the fic and its frankly so unhinged it was fantastic. he's so possessive. he straight up goes:#'oh SQQ isnt gonna be the next peak lord. he's ascending to heaven with me when i do :)' when Sha Hualing (also peak lord) told him that he#couldn't keep his disciple in the bamboo house all the time. what was SQQ gonna do when LBH ascends and he becomes the new peak lord?#gosh that first chapter is rotating around in my mind so bad. LBH was SO unwell. like losing his actual shit over SQQ near the edge.#i so want to write a oneshot abt this where SQQ is also in hysterics (albeit over slightly diff reasons) and tells LBH on his knees:#'this disciple deeply apologizes to his shizun. for he will not be ascending to the heavens with him.' right before he falls into the abyss#this au being disciple SY is for shits and giggles but i can also see it happening for regular SQQ bc 'fuck it im a dead man either way'#frothing at the mouth at this idea also being a SY-is-SJ au too. for the extra angst of SQQ trying to bear the weight of multiple lives on#his shoulders and trying to figure out what is real and what isn't and if he's meant to suffer in all of his lives no matter what he does.#not once in his life has he ever been free to do what he likes has he? self-hatred to the max. he's going mad. poor boy :]
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