#I ONLY EVER POST SKETCHES AND CRINGE W

[ghastigiggles]

Your art... Your. Art. Has me in the most deadly chokehold /vvpos

I love your art and artstyle it brings me so much joy, and I just want to say I adore you as an artist! You have such amazing work, and you're a huge inspiration to me <33

H. HUH!!!!

[fainthedcherry]

2024 Human Art VS 2019 Human Art !!!!!

AS PROMISED, HERE'S A POST WITH SOME NEW ART!!!

And also an art comparison, just to see, how much I improved in drawing the 2 bois <3

I'm MEGA tired despite having slept after work, but I WON'T let that deter me from writing a description!! YAPNADO AHEAD;

FINN AND MARCOOO. FINNANMARCO. BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE ACOUSTICALLY AND FERALLY YELLED ABOUT MY 2 FICTIONAL MEN WHOM ARE CLOSE TO MY HEART.

I'm SO glad, that in the new drawing, Marco finally looks like the twink he always was, but still enough meat on the bones to look NORMAL lmao, can't say that about the 4 other sketches of me trying to redraw this ref for years. xD (why yes, his wings took forever, why do you ask? /lh)

I'M MEGA SUPER DUPER GLAD, that Finn FINALLY looks like a chubby, wild bastard TOO, OH TOOTHPASTE MAN, HOW MANY HEARTACHES YOU GAVE ME OVER STRUGGLING TO DRAW AN ENDOMORPHIC BODY TYPE. BUT I CAN NOWWWWWWWwwww!!!!!

God this habit of loudly reading out my posts as I type them made me realise what a bad Schwarzenegger impression I do on accident bc I'm overly excited to post something after a month of silence SDKFSKLDG

ONE THING I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO. IS PUT EVERY DETAIL I NEEDED ON A BIG REF. SO I DID! I've drawn closeups of the boys's eyes, I've drawn Finn's tongue so that I don't need to constantly remind myself what his blush and flesh colours were sdfkldsgkl, I FINALLY denoted their heights, so people know that they're tall TALL dudes (and that Finn obviously will struggle w/ his lanky mfing legs, we LOVE giving a middle-aged man heart attacks once he reaches his 40's!!!)

ANNDDD ALSO SOME SIDE VIEWS OF THEM. The last side-view I had of F & M, looked REAL bad. Like, Marco's face looked WAY too stereotypically European (to my fault bc surprise surprise not many African people live in Europe so I had poor frame of reference but I've been fixing it via looking up images online instead, at least it helps but yeah, I have a hard time so far unfortunately💀), Finn's was just... B u c k e t. NOT LIKE HANDSOME BUCKET. BUT JUST BUCKET. IT NEEDED FIXING (fun fact I accidentally made Finn have the most attractive jaw shape for men according to beauty standards and I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I JUST WANTED THIS MAN TO LOOK S Q U A R E AND THAT'S IT, MINECRAFT STEVE HAS MORE RIZZ THAN MOST MEN OFFICIALLY).

OH YEAH ALSO A CLAW REF AGAIN FOR FINN!!! His old ref looks too cool for me to give up on it tbh even as dated as it is sfjklsdglk, BUT I felt like I needed to redraw them properly.

FUNNILY ENOUGH A PERSON I COMMISSIONED SAID I HAVE SOME REALLY CLEAN AND NICE LINEART. I wish I heard that 5 years ago when I was really insecure about my bad lineart skills xD, I don't use lineart anymore nowadays outside of reference-drawings like these I don't plan to redraw in the next years unless necessary soooo yeah! They're gonna appear much rarer unless I go off and about making more ref sheets of all of my Sonc OC's sfklsdgsdfksdg

This drawing took 5 days to make btw. Not the hours spent on this LOL. 5 days of my life I'll never get back tho bc I care too much about my babies and I feel they deserve proper refs sdfklsdglk

WHAT ELSE SHOULD I MENTION.....HOPEFULLY I PLAN TO DRAW MORE HUMAN REFS IN THE FUTURE INSTEAD OF STAY IN MY COMFORT ZONE OF SONIC OCS ONLY. I for years wasn't confident in my ability to draw humans, but I can do so NOW at least!!!!!!!!!! Even if I'm like...3 years too late to how I wish my art looked back then already dsklfdsg, I have some high standards I need to continue to knock down as my 2024 resolution sdfklsdg

^IT'S BEEN WORKING THOUGH AS YOU CAN TELL BC I'VE BEEN UPLOADING SOME BAD DOODLES AND SKETCHES, BEEN DRAWING MORE GARBAGE AND BECAME MORE INVOLVED IN MY BELOVED FANDOMS. I wanna continue doing so! It was the most fun I've had with art ever. I hope to properly meet more fandoms I left in the past bc I thought it'd be embarrassing to share my passion for a franchise back then. I EMBRACE THE CRINGE NOW AS AN ADULT AT LEAST EVEN IF 7 YEARS TOO LATE ON THAT FRONT TOO. We all age and mature ig but I just become more silly year by year,,, c:

Oh yeah if you also see this btw lemme know, whether the new watermark tiles are subtle enough to not be noticed!!!! I know, watermarks are annoying and nobody likes them, but ever since AI invasions, I REFUSE to put my work online without ANY form of proof that somebody took it from my page. I just want people to stop lying on the internet for cloud and pick up a pencil. It's not that hard smfh. The only time I could excuse AI art is w/ amputees man. That's the only time I could empathise with someone, who wants to be an artist but LITERALLY can't bc they got dealt a bad hand in life. I digress my AI hate can be rambled about some other day, I know I love yapping and writing essays about THAT topic for sure sfklsdklg

I chose to post this ref to my Tumblr first tho, bc I still wanna work on my drawing of Abbacchio,,,, he is quite dear to me and I'd love to put effort into a doodle of him that won't take too long. Like 4 hours or 5 hours tops. I still have yet to figure out, if his cute star shape on his head is a hat or part of his hair. Bc I CAN'T TELL TBH AND I'VE BEEN DRAWING IT AS PART OF HIS HAIR PATTERN BUT I THINK IT'S A HAT NOW EVER SINCE I LOOKED AT MORE ASBR CAPS OF HIM I TOOK FOR REFERENCES. xD

Also another side-note, but I've ofc reduced down the lankiness of the dudes I draw™, but I in result wanted to sliiightly make larger feet/hands bc my Sonic phase will continue to possess me 'til the end of time /hj, if you also wanna lemme know what you think on that, bls do! I am messing about with stylization still. I am finding my footing with stylizing humans sOOO yeah!!!! I hope to some day be satisfied with my artstyle change of '24! So far it's been really rewarding and eye-opening to me and my journey as an artist for my 7 years of existing on the 'net w/ my silly goobers I like to scream about to in the void <3

Once again, tagnado also incoming below bc I dunno how to properly tag my art so lemme throw in things I THINK are relevant to this post sdkldsgkl

See you hopefully tomorrow w/ a lil doodle dump if I get around to it!!!! : D

[a03-anxiousandafraid]

Also, because I wasn't paying attention, 🍔 d or w your choice cause I love folks ocs

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

🍔 I HAVE MANY OCs omg I rarely talk about them but they are so precious to me omg I have so many that I made when I was a middle schooler and they've changed so much over the years FJEAFAJAL sorry i am excited

OKAY so my favorite right now is actually a newer OC and her name is Vi Tupers (Vee Two-purrs) and if you say it out loud then yes.... yes I'm sure you hear the joke and already know where this is going HAHA. She is a fairy with sunset moth wings and she's only 4-5 inches tall. Her gimmick is that she's a sorcerer with blood magic that allows her to make contracts with people if they agree to two questions with very specific words in them. When the contract is set, the victim will feel compelled to give her money (usually in small quantities) and she can appear as an illusion within their field of vision for a while (she has control over it but in an omnipresent sort of way so she doesn't have to mime out what's happening, the illusion responds to each victim in a personalized way). She is kinda stupid and quite brash but very loyal. She has antlers much like blacktail deer and wears shining silvery thread in them kinda woven like halfhazard Christmas lights. She also has a very tiny fey sized hurdy gurdy that is is bomb af at playing and her two besties are a Dwarf who is a dad with the most dad energy you've ever seen and a goblin who is part of a family that thinks the size of your hat determines your status.

I wish I had a picture on hand of her that I like- I keep changing what I want her hair and outfit to look like because I'm hella indecisive- but I made her as a joke and now unironically ADORE her because of her spunk and sass. Vi is in her early 20s so she can be quite naive an immature at times but she comes in clutch for her friends.

Thank you so much for this one!! I'm sorry if she's weird and a bit too left field or cringe but developing her has been such a boost of serotonin for me and I'm so excited I got to talk about her 🤗💕❤💕 If I make a sketch I'm finally happy with I'll add it to the post later :)

[notebooknonbinary]

Tagged by the v supercool @bylertruther thank u☺️ (sorry this took me a hot minute, tumblr wouldn't let me do bullet points on mobile)

Tagging: anyone who wants to do it!! Mutuals and followers please feel free I’d love to see!!

————

Rules: Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it! And then tag as many people as you have wips. I have deemed that this isn’t just for writing either. Sketch titles? Comics? Dnd campaigns? If you have an unfinished project, it counts!

---

Haaaha so, the problem is…unless there’s enough fic for me to justify a separate doc to myself, half my WIPs are under shit like [fandom] stuffff or, worse, Untitled Document. On the other hand, some stuff I get optimistic and title properly. My big problem is, I'm pretty okay at ideas--but V terrible at follow through. So um Ymmv

Anyway im gonna base this on whether there’s even a 1% chance I’ll come back to the WIPs for even a second bc otherwise we’d be here all day, I got stuff from 2011 in my docs and I’d literally rather dunk myself in a pool of hot oil than touch those (I haven’t gotten around to deleting them yet shut)

The WIPs I’m Currently Working On:

HS and College AU Part 1–All the Time in the World Draft 2 hey if anyone would like to beta for this btw i'm Big struggling w it atm lmaooo

HS and College AU Part 2: Ro—Name Redacted for Spoiler reasons

Stranger Things fic bits (has future stuff for^^^^)

Stranger things ideas idk (mostly headcanons and plot stuff that isn’t actually fic, and like research and stuff)

Stranger Things Post Series College AU Rough TL (above fic’s timeline^^)

ST react (BIG cringe and Never to be posted. Work on just for fun)

WIPs I Want and Need to Come Back to lmao:

Newsies fanfic (Draft Ver. 3) (my giant 18k baby that I probably will never get back to)

North to Alaska (Fo4)

This is Not a TT Story Chapter 6 (and 7, 8, and 9😭)***Esp! This one

Everything Else lmao:

Untitled Document (like five or six of these lmao)

Merlin stuffff

Atla

Mystmess fic????

Fma idea

ME Fo4 cover

i don’t know wtf this is let will be outwardly gay cowards (not as interesting as the title suggests lmao)

Five to Travel PJO/HoO/ToA

LiS2 Timetravel Alt Uni Timeline (Complete outline for the above fic rgjsoiwrj)

LiS2 xover w Coco? (Indulgent and never to be posted prob)

Life Is Strange, Tell Me Why fic idea?

TJM fic Chapter 10-?

GR F AUs

GO fic ideas

YOI fic ideas

bits and pieces of fic ideas for ha and JN (u do Not want to open this curiosity door very cringe😔)

Tarsus IV sequel(s) planner (I still kind of want to go back and write a sequel to this it was my baby and one of the only chapter fics I ever completed)

BMC DEH fic bits

dcmk story ideas (mostly just AUs where Ran is in the know bc f u gosho)

And my two most cringe but lovingly researched WIPs that will likely never be finished:

Cablepool Fix-it fic (Seriously Nate, you were fixing his brain and you didn't see the brainwashing wtaf) <- whole title 😌 this bs was 7k

helga foster story ongoing

[goldenkirstein]

hello raf!!! first off, I wanna say that I love your blog and your fics. tysm for sharing them with us you are incredibly talented!

second, do you have other blog/moot recommendations for users who write for jean x reader? I wanna follow all of you you're all so amazing!

only if you can! :) have a nice night!

hi nonnie !! ty for the kind words!! yes i do, some of these are my moots, some are not but regardless they are all incredibly talented writers. there are so so so many writers that have jean fics, but i chose these ones because they have more than a few jean x reader !! these are also just based on my preferences, so if there is a writer not included here, i apologize !!

Please read all of these authors rules/dni’s as ik a few of them interact or post dark content and are 18+ blogs !! respect writers and their rules !!

@whats-her-quirk - what can i say that hasn’t been said, literally the reason i write on here and responsible for the first jean x reader fic i ever read, i love june. Absolutely phenomal, so fucking cool and talented. her writing makes me happy, to put it simply.

my fave fic: midnight ride & below freezing

@jean-does-not-have-a-horseface - the username speaks for itself, again i read her fics when i still was a ghost blog so i am quite sentimental lol, i think she might be working on a jean rockstar au series, im not sure tho, but regardless just a super talented writer !!

my fave fic: sketches of you

@welcometotheclubhoe - jay, oh my god, i love them and their blog, all of their jean fics are so. fucking. amazing. like chef’s kiss, have me sweating, screaming and crying, genuinely need to take a five minute break to walk around my room and contemplate the meaning of life. so yeah, jay’s a jeanius (shhhh i know its cringe)

@bakugohoex - a fellow jean simp, ria is not only the sweetest but just so fucking good at writing jean, fluff, angst and smut, her brain is so big because she’s responsible for one my favourite jean series and playlist tbh ahem:

my fave fic: stay & put on a show

@mikaberries - Mika is also one of the first aot writer blogs I followed, I found her first on tiktok and then followed here. super fucking talented, idk how she does it tbh. also just an all around good person and very sweet, I have nothing but respect and praise for her and her work.

my fave fic: innocent & car quickie

my fave fic: unrequited series

@fiaficsxo - i love fia and her writing, she is so talented and just an absolute gem. she also happens to be another fellow jean simp, which i love ffhkjhg. but fr her jean smut leaves me sweating. 

my fave fic: jersey girl

@seraphdreams - title of blog: jean love club. thats it. what more can i say. ceo of jean simping and being just remarkable, like honestly, seraph was the first one who popped into my mind when i read ur ask nonnie. do me a favour and read all of their jean fics, you will become enlightened.

my fave fic: mornings w/ jean & face sitting

@alert-arlert - genuinely adore ryn, for their writing and their presence here, i really love their headcanons for jean and honestly aside from fics, i really do get happy when i see them on my dash, coolest person ever omg, follow them for the vibes and the amazing writing

my fave fic: jean relationship hc’s & nsfw alphabet

@odmlevis: riz my loveeeee, so talented and so amazing, top notch writing and top notch person, i admire her so much, made me fall in love with fuckboy jean what more can i sayyyyy

my fave fic: jean + friends to lovers & falling in love w/ fuckboy jean

@dancingazaleas - crazy fucking talented, i cannot believe that i can just go to their blog and read for free. like i astral projected when i first read their work, transcended planes, i was dr. strange for like three minutes, thats what sorrels writing did to me. so go forth nonnie, unlock the secrets of the universe.

my fave fic: primrose & obedience (includes eren n mikasa)

@jarmeen: i love jas, they are sooooooo cool and their writing is just next level. just a super sweet individual, and helloooo read the title of their blog, and then read it again because they are right and everyone should go read their works !!

my fave fic: see you again

@valxeren: dilf jean. thats it. two words. deserves the nobel prize just for writing those fics, tbh tht shit changed my life, i was wandering my dashboard lost and unmotivated and then val graced me with dilf jean and im a better person now

my fave fic: clandestine

@kirschtienz: aman makes me happy, i love her, and her writing so much, if i were to choose a piece of writing to hug, it would be hers. i could go for days just praising her and still wouldn’t be enough, like the way she writes is just incredible

my fave fic: frats with benefits

@emepe: i thought to myself one day, hmm it would be nice to have friends to lovers fics for jean, and then tumblr said raf, baby, let me show u something and they pointed me towards mimi and said here is the answer to all your prayers. idk how to thank tumblr but fr only two chapters in and IM HOOKED. go read nonnie, goooo.

my fave fic: you and me and nothing more (includes eren)

i have realized that a good handful of these are smutty bshdsbhbf sorry not sorry. again, im so sorry if i missed anyone these are the writers that i could think of at the moment, and if you yourself are a writer then know that i love you and respect youuuu !!

happy reading nonnie :)

[rrasado]

• Gambler's Thrill •

(This is just an old scenario I sent to my friend where MC is good at gambling. Basically they're based off of Yumeko from Kakegurui. Keep in mind I'm in no way shape or form a writer excuse my crackfic😅)

"MC-chaaaan!"

Judging by the honorifics I knew right away that it was Levi so I yelled a short come in and there stood the self proclaimed yucky otaku in all his glory.

"Did ya need something Levi?"

Said boy nodded vigorously and pulled me off my bed.

"Me and the others are doing a game night in the living room right now! You should come to you know, hehe seeing as you're doing nothing"

The curious look I gave him urged him to continue.

"We usually have game nights like these every month! It'd probs be more fun if you tagged along"

"So game as in uh... video games?"

"Gah! I wish that were the case cause if it was then I'd win every time! but it's just mostly card games and what not, and there's the occasional betting that surprise surprise Mammon wins every time"

My face lit up at the mention of card games, it's nothing to brag but I REALLY enjoy card games, especially Blind Man's Bluff.

"Sure I'll go with"

He instantly grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the House of Lamentation's living room. The brothers were already playing and judging by Asmo's expression, he was losing. Sweat was forming on the side of his face while Mammon on the other hand was grinning, widening by the second.

"hAHA! I WIN AGAIN! sweet sweet grimm come to papa!"

He bent over the table to grab the stack of grimm on Asmo's side, said demon was sobbing in the corner after loosing so much money. I leaned over the couch to get a better view, eyeing the giant stack of grimm next to Mammon.

"Good evening MC, are you joining us tonight?"

Satan looked at me with curiosity, I nodded in response seeing as I'm more focused on the next match between Mammon and Lucifer. Satan nodded and turned his attention back to the game.

As the game progressed I was sure Lucifer had the upper hand but one move from Mammon turned the whole round to his favor, in rare moments like these do I see the Avatar of Pride in distress, I mean if you bet 1,000,000 grimm you'd also be stressing how to win it back.

Lucifer sighed in defeat as mammon placed a Queen of Hearts.

"Hmm.. it seems you've won again Mammon, I wouldn't be surprised seeing as you ARE the Avatar Of Greed"

Satan was humming happily beside me seeing as Lucifer lost to Mammon. Mammon for the umpteenth time bent over the table to grab the new stack of grimm from Lucifer's side of the table.

"HAHA! Gah if I keep this up I might as well destroy the Devildom economy! HA!"

Laughing obnoxiously as he added the new stack of grimm to his side. I left my spot behind the couch and walked over to the other side.

"Hey Mammon! Can I play a round with you?"

He stopped laughing and eyed me as if I grew another head, I felt a tap on my shoulder to see Levi give a nervous laugh.

"Uhhh MC... I know I was the one who invited you but I think you shouldn't gamble with Mammon of all people"

I pat his shoulder assuring him I know what I'm doing, he let out a huff and just sat down.

"Yes MC darling, we wouldn't want you going bankrupt after one gamble with Mammon... he is the Avatar of Greed you know"

Beel was hovering over Asmo, mouth stuffed with food, nodding in agreement. I gave them an assuring smile and turned back to Mammon who was counting grimm by stack.

I coughed to get his attention and he looked back up at me.

"A'right MC tell you what, I'll play a round with ya, but that doesn't mean I'll go easy on ya!"

"Sure as long as I get to play I'm happy"

I sat down in front of him as we began to place our bets.

"Since you challenged The Great Mammon! I'll let you place your bet first"

Feeling brave tonight I placed every grimm I had on the table amounting to...

"3 million grimm"

The brothers simultaneously looked at me with wide eyes. I even herd Beel's food drop to the floor and I glanced at the now Awake Belphie.

"MC... surely you know who you're up against correct?"

I felt the slight concern in Lucifer's voice as I smiled at him and assured him I know exactly what I'm getting into. Mammon's grin widened at the prospect of earning such large amounts of grimm in one round. He let out a chuckle and placed his own bet on the table

"Y'never cease to amaze me MC! HAHA! Y'know what! I'll bet your amount two fold"

Brimming with confidence Mammon placed twice my amount on the table all the while still giddy at himself.

"So, shall we begin?"

-Time Skip-

"H...how in the..."

Mammon sat there in absolute disbelief. His eyes widening at the sight of the royal flush in front if him. He'd be lying if he said he was the only skocked. Belphie almost fell off the couch as Levi quickly pulled out his D.D.D posting a status update on his social media

"LMAO! The Great Avatar Of Greed got his ass handed to him by A human in a round of poker!"

Mammon grabbed the edges of the table, his sweat dripping on to the playing card in his hand. Not once in his existence was he beaten in a gamble. He even used every dirty trick in the book! And yet here he was experiencing his first ever crushing defeat. Heck! Lucifer would've spilled his wine if it weren't for his reflexes. But the one who was the most shocked besides Mammon was the cynical fourth brother of wrath.

"Guys... you don't understand"

All heads turned to Satan as he spoke up after recovering from his shock.

"Mammon was playing dirty and yet...MC....still won"

Mammon flinched at the fact that he was exposed. He gingerly glanced at MC only to see her smiling without a care. Beel closed his mouth and softly asked the girl,

"M-MC...how?"

Despite the lack of words in his question, said human seemed to understand and explained.

"Honestly...when I realized Mammon was using underhanded tricks, I wasn't the least bit surprised....Because let's be real here, how could've he maintained his win streak for so long?"

Mammon was at a loss for words,he watched his 6 million grimm being taken by MC's hand beaming happily. Lucifer regained his composure and sat down his wine glass.

"W-well... I guess this goes to show that no matter how good you are there will always be someone... better"

The brothers went silent when they herd a small giggle erupt from the victorious girl, the giggle turned into full on laughter as she clutched her stomach. When she calmed down she looked at Mammon with absolute delight,

"Mammon... why don't we play again"

A million thoughts ran through his head as he herd her offer. Was she mocking him? Is she really that confident in her skill?

"You know... I don't care if you cheat at this point, Iv'e played against people slyer than you before,and you know what..."

He nervously looked up and let out a small what at the girl.

"It just makes the risk all the more interesting... enough to get me high on it"

Now that Mammon was looking clearly at MC, he saw that what he coined as confidence earlier was something much, much more than that. She was oozing with unwavering pride, pride that could even rival Lucifer's, pride that... when you experience first hand is almost terrifying.

Mammon did a double take on her face as he noticed her expression wasn't her usual calm one... it was replaced with something else entirely, replaced with someone who enjoys and gets high with thrill, the thrill of the very thing he was proud of...the thrill...of gambling.

"So.. how 'bout it Mammon"

The smirk on her face growing with each second...Mammon was frozen in his spot, all the brothers in the same state.

"Let's play again"

(Excuse me while I cringe at this insomnia induced crackfic and crappy sketch I did a few months ago that I did to go with the fic)

[50darkershadesofcynic]

Let’s Make A Character - Script for 2.

(But 3 including my Future self)

To start this off, this was inspired by a real conversation I had with my friend when we were designing a concept for a video game. Except in this version, I made her out to be wayyyyyy worse than she actually was. When I was younger, I was easily irked. 

This was how I showed by Passive Aggression 

- By making this lousy script.

Obviously I ain’t thrilled.

Me: Alright, let's start designing this character already. Snowflake: Make it a *strong female character* Me: Okay... Strong Female Character. Snowflake: Who is gay. Me: ...Excuse me, what? Snowflake: We need more gay characters - simple as that. Me: Sure. Fine. She's gay. (Though that doesn't really matter, in terms of gameplay) Snowflake: They'd rather prefer 'They-them' pronouns. Don't assume their gender.

Okay, so this was around the time when They/Them and Xe/Xir was starting to become uncomfortably common for my liking. Back then I thought it was flat out ridiculous, but now I’ve seen the light and realized that if people want to identify as they/them and experiment with genders it’s totally okay.

Especially since it really doesn’t affect me in the slightest.

Me: What? Sorry? We're making a female character, remember? Snowflake: Uhh... Hello? They can identify as female, but not completely. They are demi.

It took me three years to buy into Demisexual/Demiromantic - But I’m still not entirely sold on Demigender. I thoroughly believe in the gender binary, rather than a spectrum. One of the reasons for why I’m Bi rather than Pan.

Me: Fine. What should 'their' name be? Snowflake: I don't know. Me: Let's go with Alexandra- Snowflake: Excuse me, but that is a cisnormative name and will not be acceptable. Their name should be gender-neutral to keep with the times. It's 2016, after all. Me: Jeez, okay. Their name is Alex. 

This part actually happened.

Snowflake: Why are you drawing her that way!? Me: ...Sorry? Snowflake: OMG that sketch only reflects the male power fantasies that dominates the gaming community! It's that mentality that labels you as an ignorant bigot!

This part didn’t, obviously.

Me: Okay, okay, what did I do wrong!? Snowflake: Her body is hyper-sexualized, you are oppressing women by drawing such a sexist piece. You are not accepting of other body types other than the D-cups, tiny waists and long legs! Me: Oh... Right. I guess I can make her proportions a bit more accurate - Snowflake: Respect their pronouns, you cis scum! Me: Fine, fine, fine - It's fixed. Calm down. Snowflake: ALL YOU DID WAS MAKE HER SKINNIER.

I’m gonna take this moment to talk about an issue I’ve been weirded out by: The Skinny Rose Quartz situation. Where people purposely draw Steven Universe characters skinny, Aryan and more humanoid. I thought it was hilarious at first, but then people started being generally mad about it. 

Tbh, I didn’t think it was a problem because of the ‘boohoohoo’ narrative of lack of representative figures for plus-sized audiences - I thought it was a problem because it was canonically false. And bad recolors. 

Teens these days gotta chill, jeez, it’s only fan art.

Me: W-Well, it would be more accurate if her hip size corresponds to her already slim body. I also shrunk her breasts so they would look less... well, fanciful. Snowflake: We have too many characters that are skinny like her! And why are they white? Where are the stretch marks? Their freckles? We need IMPERFECTIONS to show how COMPLEX this character needs to be! Me: They aren't white, it's just that I haven't colored them in yet... And so what if she's white? Race doesn't make a character more supreme than the other. In games, it's more about class stats than anything to do with race- Snowflake: If they are white, then they are oppressors to any other person or player that isn't white. To be white, is to be racist. And sure, you say it might be alright in a game - however, think of how it affects people of color playing as the white man! They need a character that represents. This is going to be that character.

HOLA AMIGOS! HELLO FRIENDS!

Let’s spell some magical words today! Today’s magical word is ‘STRAW MAN’

S T R A W M A N

Muy Bien! Very good!

legit though this would fail any debate class

Me: Well, for the record it's my character. I think I can have the freedom to create her in any way that I want. Snowflake: You just objectified them! Me: How can I objectify something or someone that I haven't fully created yet!? Snowflake: Never mind. Does she have any other complexities? Me: What do you mean? Snowflake: I mean, you need to be tolerant of other behaviors, disorders, and dysfunctions of the mind! Hello? Were you living under a conservative rock? There are too many 'normies' in gaming.

Oh lord, does 

‘N o r m i e’ 

mean something different now...

kek my dudes.

Me: Oh... So you want me to make her depressed or something?

HOOO BOY THAT’S TOPICAL

Snowflake: Not 'depressed or something', saying it like that is immensely offensive and damaging. Especially to those who do suffer from depression. Me: I can give her something mild, I guess. Snowflake: Looking at our character so far, she'd have to be bipolar, autistic, an insomniac and have a small case of ADHD. She will also have alters, for her MPD syndrome. Me: ... You are actually joking, right?

I wish I was joking when I legitimately thought this was how SJWs and Millennials talk.

*laughtrack then seinfeld theme plays*

Snowflake: Excuse me - mental disorders are not a joke! I was self diagnosed with depression, an array of anxiety disorders. Life is hard for people like me. Me: Yeah. Good to know. But giving her all of those problems may result in her character performance being- Snowflake: Hey. Depression is not a 'problem'. You are really getting on my nerves... Me: ...More like *TRIGGERING* your nerves, am I right? Snowflake: You ableist, ageist, classist, racist, sexist, cissexist, size sexist---- Me: Oh wow, you're still going. Snowflake: --- CIS WHITE MALE SCUM.

Legit though, what a fucking awful ending.

 “TRIGGERING YER NERVES - AMIRITE?” 

- I cringe whenever I read that line. No one can use the word ‘Trigger’ anymore, it’s been so over-used that it ain’t hip with the kids unless you use it heavily ironically. But everyone seemed to really resonate with this post since it was made at the height of SJWs

Now everybody knows that they’re just a small minority of people who have loud opinions. Opinions that not many people can relate to.

But who am I kidding, there’s still an audience on tumblr who are strongly influenced by them. So we have yet to see how much of a foothold they really have on western culture.

That’s all I have to say on that shit, and that’s all I ever will. Until next time.

[themorningcatch]

Dana’s Korean Drama Favorites

Special thanks to the Bogum to my Taehyung, Jazzie Rivera, for ruining my life via KDramas

CHICAGO TYPEWRITER ( 시카고 타자기) From April to June 2017

Network: tvN

Number of episodes: 16

Cast: Yoo Ah In, Lim Soo Jung, Go Kyung Pyo, Kwak Si Yang, Joo Woo Jin, Yang Jin Sung

Kilig* Factor: Satisfactory. It’s there but not too in-your-face. Seju is just a total tsundere but it’s perfect because (spoiler?) it’s every fangirl’s dream to meet their idol and be able to peel back all their layers and see them for who they truly are. There’s just enough strain between them that makes you root for them but there’s also some solid, cute couple moments that I may or may not have re-watched because huhu when will I ever???

Drama Factor: SO. MUCH. ANGST. I LOVE IT. Since the plot revolves around a tragedy they can’t figure out, when more of the plot is revealed, there is so much upheaval of emotions on their part, which also affects the audience. Not too mention the main cast’s acting is no joke. Absolutely captivating. Every episode feels heavy loaded, especially the last parts. This drama made me tear up again and again because one, there’s just something about past lives that really get to me and two, the lines (thank Jin Soo Wan) and their delivery just hit home so hard. 

Love Triangle Factor: This triumvirate’s affection for each other is the only Kdrama love triangle I will recognize. Their friendship is so special and it LITERALLY transcended lifetimes. The main cast’s chemistry is endearing like they’re all going through so much but they still have each other’s backs. And you know what, I love how Seol didn’t have to pick. I mean, she sort of did, but she didn’t really. Those two boys were both hers and they knew it. Sigh, now I want to be their friend. 

Notes: it really isn’t a surprise that Chicago Typewriter is my favorite drama because the characters are writers/avid readers; there is a touch of supernatural in the plot which is always good in my books; there is amazing acting. I honestly couldn’t get over how well they did it (especially Ko Gyung Pyo who is now one of my favorites); there is a balance between sad and light scenes, all while letting the story progress; and there are really cute moments without it feeling like fan service. I just love this show. I finished it at 4 AM after no sleep and I was physically and emotionally exhausted but at the end, it made me want to sit down and write and work because that’s the kind of storytelling that I want the world to be filled; stories that make people want to claim their roles as heroes in their stories. And heroes they are, this unforgettable trio. The only thing unrealistic about this is that Seju lives in a mansion. Like, I get that he’s a writer and he’s famous, but a mansion? Really? That’s doubtful.

Rating: 10/10 (will watch again!!!)

*(The Filipino word “kilig” is untranslatable but the best description is “the feeling one gets when they experience something romantic” or “that heart fluttering feeling”; whichever suits your fancy.)

W: TWO WORLDS ( 더블유) From July to September 2016

Network: MBC

Number of episodes: 16

Cast: Lee Jong Suk, Han Hyo Joo, Jong Eu Gene, Lee Tae Hwan, Park Won Sang, Cha Kwang Soo, Kim Eui Sung

Kilig Factor: Hyo Joo and Jong Suk have impeccable chemistry and Song Jae Jung (bless her heart) doesn’t let that go to waste. There were times when I would pause the episode just to let what I saw sink in. I thought, “HOW CAN TWO PEOPLE LOOK THIS CUTE???” Some scenes were so kilig, I almost cried. Sure, it was defo fan service for all us thirsty, lonely hoes, however, it is duly appreciated. Many times I would finish an episode and just want a boyfriend because dammit, Lee Jong Suk. Some moments are a little cringe-y when you think long and hard about whether really people do that, but I’m not complaining. I’m perfectly fine with it. 

Drama Factor: Like all good dramas should, the endings that W episodes go through crush my heart. Ultimately, it was just begging for a happy ending. I didn’t think that a sci-fi/rom-com plot was capable of making me upset but I guess that’s the charm of W; that even with loss, confusion, mystery, yearning, and all those painful adjectives, you still sit tight and grip the seat to watch it all unfold. For me, W has one of the best endings ever, a satisfying close, like a sigh of relief. To be honest, when I think about W nowadays, there’s this phantom ache in my chest just because there were scenes when I just thought, “The writer did THAT.” So word of warning, watch with detachment and if not, just be careful.

Creativity Factor: In the span of 16 episodes, W managed to scissor multiple plots and be stitched together and still not confuse the hell out of me. I think that is a plus for creativity. More often than I expected, W’s story line felt different each time a problem began. It’s an absolute roller coaster with a bunch of tropes that sometimes it felt like watching a whole other show. I personally enjoy that. It felt like an adventure, although exhausting at that. But sometimes, it does do something ridiculous that reminds you, this isn’t real anyways but I forgive that for entertainment’s sake. 

Notes: Not entirely a stunning show, but a unique and imaginative one. No other drama has quite left the same impression W did with me. This was the drama I recommended the most to people. It was about creation and art as well so that appealed to me. I love the bits where Song Moo would be sketching and whatever he did started translating to reality. That must’ve been hard to shoot so I commend the director as well. W also felt quick to watch as the plot moved without dawdling too much. It was quite unrealistic and intense but still, incomparable. As for the romance, Yeon Joo and Chul = OTP. 

Rating: 9/10 (when will my life become a drama???)

GOBLIN: THE LONELY AND GREAT GOD ( 쓸쓸하고 찬란하神-도깨비) From December 2016 - January 2017

Network: tvN

Number of episodes: 16

Cast: Gong Yoo, Kim Go Eun, Lee Dong Wook, Yoo In Na, Yook Sung Jae

Kilig Factor: At first, I seriously didn’t like them because of the age difference and it was little weird that Eun Tak called him “ahjussi.” Later on, I got used to it and as their love story progressed, the more I got tangled with it. I absolutely can’t forget the part when it would rain and Eun Tak would cry hysterically and she had no clue why. That was such a powerful and poignant scene for me. Gong Yoo and Kim Go Eun are incredible actors. They could convey such deep emotions from their characters and still retain parts of that when they become quirky. With the Sunny/Grim Reaper pairing, it felt a little dragging and draining by the end, to be honest. However, there’s this certain yearning I can’t remove that I want them to end up together. I think their relationship boosted Goblin/Eun Tak’s by showing a contrast. The kind of drama with romantic scenes that made me squeal out loud. 

Drama Factor: I think there were only a few episodes I didn’t shed a tear over. The writing has this fragrant poetry structure to it that just appeals so much to a hopeless romantic like me. I know people don’t talk that way in real life but there’s just a beauty with a good string of words that can support an otherwise mediocre scene. Also, a very, very good cast. There was a lot of crying but it didn’t feel overwhelming (for me) because of how it was delivered. I think Goblin is a show I would watch if I ever doubted the supreme lightness love can bring after a dreadful storm. 

OST Factor: Unforgettable. There’s a reason that Goblin’s is one of the most famous. The roster of performers in that OST is unbelievable. It’s so well chosen, especially once it’s edited as the background for a certain scene. There’s also so much to choose from that the songs post-Goblin binge watching don’t feel sickening; more nostalgic than anything. The OST by itself captures the sweet sadness of Goblin’s story and that’s a pretty good feat for a musical score to achieve. 

Notes: Goblin was the very first Korean drama that I’ve watched properly and voluntarily. I was just really curious at first but then the cinematography, the music, the acting of this show absolutely blew me away. I think I cried majority of the time because I couldn’t believe I was watching such a well written show with representation of people who looked like me! (Asians!!!) I think that like the show’s theme of first love for the 900 year old Goblin, this was the perfect drama to show me how great K-dramas have become, and maybe I’m being eye roll worthy but it felt a little like finding a first love. I have nothing but fondness over Goblin and its clever story full of fate and twists and childlike innocence amidst the dark past they all share. And loneliness is something that is so palpable to me and seeing it suited up like this, made my heart clench and have hope. It’s wonderful like that. 

Rating: 15/10. Just watch it. It’s worth your time. 

REPLY 1988 ( 응답하라 1988) From November 2015 - January 2016

Network: tvN

Number of episodes: 20

Cast: Hyeri, Ryoo Joon Yeol, Go Kyung Pyo, Park Bo Gum, Lee Dong Hwi, Sung Dong Il, Lee Il Hwa, Ryoo Hye Young, Choi Sung Won, Kim Sung Kyun, Ra Mi Ran, Ahn Jae Hong, Kim Sun Young, Yoo Jae Myung, Choi Moo Sung, Kim Sul, Lee Min Ji, Lee Se Young

Kilig Factor: Of course I know most people don’t fall in love with their neighbors that often but this one is an exception. Romantic love wasn’t the main theme for this show however it still came through. And yes, I may be super biased when it comes to Park Bo Gum and Go Kyung Pyo and yes, them just smiling can get me riled up already BUT the love triangle presented towards the end is pretty decent and the falling-back-in-love trope with two characters is realistic and enjoyable enough. I’ve never seen a character demonstrate that kind of attitude (fiercely and stubbornly choosing their career over a relationship) before so it was quite interesting for me. There were little moments where they would reveal that this character actually liked this character, or did this for this character that would just have me punching a pillow, kicking, and screaming because dammit, that’s cute. I think it could have been better though, but as Reply 1988 isn’t solely focused on that, it’s good enough. 

Drama Factor: Okay, compared to Reply 1988, my crying in Goblin was a dripping faucet. This show had me bursting like a waterfall. It was in all those moments that felt real, so, so real, I couldn’t help but weep. It was superb how Lee Woo Jeong wrote this show with tenderhearted conversations and the absolute unfairness of life that everybody can relate to and have such an awesome cast enact it in the messy times of the 80′s and translate into something a girl like me could deeply feel. Towards the end, I cried at every episode (there was always just something that hit me so much!) and it was the kind that would start as a sob and just progress then on. Inside Reply 1988 were lessons and experiences that everybody has felt or will feel or is trying to forget that universally is the same but in a different packaging. This show, to me, is the epitome of a Korean drama, unashamed and so emotional.

Food Factor: To be honest, there were far too many times Reply 1988 made me hungry. From clams to ramyun to kimchi pancakes to fish-shaped bread, they ate everything. I do appreciate it though because it exposed what Korean culture is like and how families have a good meal with each other as an act of love. I find the putting-meat/egg/vegetable/whatever-into-someone’s-bowl gesture as a unique and  simple way of saying you favor someone. I also saw how important food is with the plot because as they go through changes, their food changed! When they were poor, they complained about side dishes. When they got older, the food they ate became different. When something good happens, there’s a whole feast. When watching this show, beware of the scrumptious dishes. I’m still looking for tteokbokki these days. 

Notes: First of all, the set design team is amazing. I didn’t feel the whole Ssamundong late 80′s vibe at first but then it felt a little like home after so many hours of looking at it. There’s a lot of things I want to complain about this show, especially how it didn’t resolve properly. There were so many things left hanging! So many relationships unexplored! So many people’s endings swept aside! I didn’t feel like it got the ending it deserved. However, this was such a heartwarming drama. I haven’t seen such a raw presentation of this kind of suburban city life anywhere and it was familiar to me. I also loved how in an episode, things will happen and at the end, there was actually one unifying theme for all of that. I can say nothing more about Reply 1988 other than it did feel like I was growing up with these kids and I was part of their rag-tag bundle of troublemakers. That’s the most important part, I think, to have your audience feel like they were a part of it all. It means art has done its job well.

Rating: 7/10. A little disappointing but still great. 

(this took me forever to make but it was fun. i might make a part two. maybe...)

[thegloober]

The Emmys Awarded with Terrible Reviews and the Worst Ratings Ever

The Emmys came and went with a whimper and a marriage proposal on Monday night, leaving most television critics disappointed in just about everything: the hosts, the writing and the winners.

FX’s critically acclaimed spy series “The Americans” never won an Emmy for Outstanding Drama Series in its flawless six-year run, and “Killing Eve” star Sandra Oh did not make history as the first actress of Asian descent to take home the award for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series. (But at least she made history simply by being nominated.)

Actually, even Oscars telecast director Glenn Weiss’s successful proposal to his girlfriend got slammed by the ladies of “The View,” so there was very little everyone could collectively delight in.

But before we get into all of the reasons critics hated this year’s ceremony, a few exceptions to this generality: Henry Winkler finally winning an Emmy for his performance in HBO comedy “Barry,” Regina King winning a trophy for her Netflix limited series “Seven Seconds,” comedian Hannah Gadsby hilariously presenting an award to a winner who wasn’t around to accept it, and a fun sketch handing out “reparation Emmys” to prominent black entertainers from the past.

The rest was generally met with a shrug, culminating in a landslide of bad reviews and news about all-time low ratings landing online Tuesday morning. Deadline reported only 10.172 million viewers tuned in — an 11 percent decrease from last year, which also set a new low at the time.

“The real problem was simply a preponderance of bad ideas and feeble writing, typified by a recurring series of skits featuring Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen as bored and clueless Emmys ‘experts’ that set back the alt-comedy cause by decades,” The New York Times critic Mike Hale wrote, also dinging the producers for having popular animated characters Rick and Morty ask “How do you think ‘Atlanta’’s doing?” after the FX comedy had lost in five of its six categories.

As TooFab noted in our coverage, we expected more from hosts Colin Jost and Michael Che — the “Saturday Night Live” head writers who co-anchor “Weekend Update.” And we weren’t alone.

Vulture critic Jen Chaney described their performance as “more listless than I expected them to be” and complained they “somehow managed to suck the funny out of Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen, which is a thing I did not think was possible.”

“Every time two people walked out to present an award, I thought, ‘Why didn’t they ask them to host this thing instead?'” Chaney continued. “Dave Chappelle and Neal Brennan? Would have been better. Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson? Also a stronger choice. Connie Britton and Eric Bana? Look, I don’t know if they have comedic chemistry, but I am willing to find out. Also, even though they didn’t present anything, I will sign any petition necessary to get Keri Russell, who was robbed of an Emmy for ‘The Americans,’ and Matthew Rhys, who was not, to co-host this sucker next year.”

In one of the more brutal reviews, Rolling Stone critic Rob Sheffield described the show as “toothless, flaccid, cramped and tedious.”

“What can you say about a show-biz gala where the highlight is Betty White picking up a lifetime achievement award? Or the guy who directed the Oscars dropping to his knees to ask his girlfriend to marry him? All you can really say is it was the Emmys —- now and always, the dorky underling of the glitzy award shows,” he wrote. “Bumping it to a Monday night is just a polite way of saying ‘Yeah, we got nothing’ —- kind of like bringing in hosts Colin Jost and Michael Che to do agonizingly bland ‘Weekend Update’ schtick. ‘Jesus Christ Superstar Live’ might have turned John Legend into an EGOT winner, but not even he could raise this ceremony from the dead.”

Ouch.

Hollywood Reporter critic Daniel Fienberg piled on the hosts, too, noting they “did a flat monologue and essentially vanished, confirming pre-show suspicions that the ‘Weekend Update’ anchors were ill-matched to the event.”

He also thought the new format for handing out awards made for awkward presentations, which are normally opportunities for writers and performers to liven up the evening with short and sweet hits.

“For the most part, presenters were shoehorned in as part of a rarely attempted innovation in show structure. Categories were introduced and clips were played and then presenters came out. Getting clips in always benefits awards shows, and I’m sure there’s some way that this improved show efficiency, but it left presenters doing banter between the reading of nominee names and the announcement of winners, a major momentum suck,” Fienberg wrote. “When the presenters didn’t have funny things to do, the result was both peculiar and awkward, like, why did they bother having Eric Bana come out onstage at all if he was just going to say “They make the news funny” and leave?”

Kevin Fallon’s Daily Beast review was bluntly headline, “The Emmys Telecast Was a Cringe-Worthy, Tone-Deaf Embarrassment.”

“From lackluster hosts Colin Jost and Michael Che to an unearned demand to be applauded for meager steps toward diversity and inclusion, this was the worst award show in years,” the critic wrote at the top of his blistering review, criticizing the show for relishing in the Emmys most diverse and inclusive group of nominees ever, then making viewers wait 75 minutes for a person of color to win anything.

“It was a show that treated its progress in nomination diversity as a finish line, expecting the telecast to function as a victory lap, cheering for a job well done when it should have fired a starting gun for the work just getting started,” Fallon wrote. “Most confusingly, however, is how the show opened with what was supposed to be a self-aware joke about the fallacy of that exact attitude, the one it then seemed intent on parading around like a proud peacock.”

April Reign, the activist who sparked the #OscarSoWhite movement, also complained the Emmys weren’t truly as diverse as the show was touting. Read her Twitter thoughts below, complete with fun GIFs and memes.

Let’s talk a bit more about what “diversity” is and isn’t, and whether that should be the goal. Last night, @TheEmmys Chairman/CEO Hayma Washington encouraged everyone to give themselves a round of applause for diversity. But… why? pic.twitter.com/wTzU9siKQh

— April (@ReignOfApril) September 18, 2018

We should start with the fact that @TheEmmys made history less than two years ago by making Hayma Washington the first…. THE FIRST…. Black Chairman & CEO. In 2016. But they want to be proud of their “diversity.” pic.twitter.com/IG4vSi54FP

— April (@ReignOfApril) September 18, 2018

I also want to make clear to @theEmmys and anyone else who is under a mistaken impression, that “diversity” doesn’t just mean “more Blacks.” That was never the point of #OscarsSoWhite. I’m sure that wasn’t the point of @JKCorden saying #EmmysSoWhite last night. #Emmys pic.twitter.com/z0rxgO9XXX

— April (@ReignOfApril) September 18, 2018

In other words, how many non-Black people of color do you remember during @TheEmmys last night? How many openly LGBT+ people? How many visibly disabled folks were part of the staff handing out awards? Right. #Emmys pic.twitter.com/ZztiEucJM0

— April (@ReignOfApril) September 18, 2018

I saw it described this way recently and really love it:

Diversity is inviting everyone to the party. Equity is making sure tickets are of a manageable price to everyone invited. Inclusion is asking folks to dance.

So… yeah. @TheEmmys were “diverse.” But go further. #Emmys pic.twitter.com/3KyDVsD8io

— April (@ReignOfApril) September 18, 2018

If you can count on one hand the number of people from a particular marginalized community that were on @TheEmmys stage last night, and still have fingers left over? You’re not doing enough. Especially w/ the shows on TV today. #Emmys <== Nor will this cutesy emoji do it. pic.twitter.com/gpMPjrixsF

— April (@ReignOfApril) September 18, 2018

To tout “diversity” improvements, when I can only remember two AAPI presenters (Constance Wu and Sandra Oh), to literally have a song & dance routine when I can only remember two Latinx presenters (Gina Rodriguez & Benicio Del Toro), seems to have missed @Theemmys mark. #Emmys pic.twitter.com/q2hAxAILGM

— April (@ReignOfApril) September 18, 2018

View Photos Getty Emmy Awards: See Who Switched Up Their Style for the After-Parties

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Source: https://bloghyped.com/the-emmys-awarded-with-terrible-reviews-and-the-worst-ratings-ever/

[sclarys]

Cupid Isn’t A Myth

I've always been a good shot. Like a hell of a good one.

My name's Ace and I'm the FBI's number one sniper. I'm that guy they call for every single case.

Abduction? Call Ace, he'll take out the perp.

The guy took hostages? Don't worry, Ace'll take the guy.

I love my job. I really, really do. There's nothing I love to do more than taking out scumbags with a single shot to the head. Though I sometimes wish the word HEADSHOT would appear in front of me like in video games. But sadly, life ain't a video game. It's way more boring.

I'm also what you call a high functioning sociopath. So, my part-time job isn't exactly a piece of cake for me.

Let's not delve into that for the moment.

Let me tell you about my life.

My dad was an FBI agent. He still is. When I was a kid, he would take me with him, and I would get to watch him interrogate suspects, bust killers, and drug dealers, and sometimes solve worldwide conspiracies. BORING! I used to sit in his office all day and mope around while he made calls and saved the world. I didn't really care about the world back then, and I still don't. Nah, what I liked about my dad's job, was the shooting range.

He used to take me there every time he had some free time on his hands, which wasn't often, but I appreciated the effort. You're probably thinking, what kind of father takes his son with him to a shooting range? The answer's My Dad. Welcome to my screwed up life. It's a hell of a ride and I love it.

Anyway, he would shoot targets in front of me, for hours on end. I was mesmerized by it. By the way the bullets are propelled in the air when you pull the trigger.

I knew every single detail of the process and the mechanism of a gun. I knew that pressing the trigger would cause a spring mechanism to hammer a metal firing pin into the back end of the cartridge, propelling the bullet from it forward. I knew because of the extreme pressure built up in the barrel, that the speed of a bullet could reach approximately 1000 feet per second. I knew where the main arteries and veins of the body were. I knew which ones to nick to instantly kill, or torture endlessly.

That's what makes me so good at my job.

I used to watch my dad closely. His stance, the way his arms tense while firing. I understood the importance of that later on when my gun flew back from my hand and hit me in the face when I was fourteen and was trying to shoot for the first time. I had underestimated the power of the weapon in my hand back then. Never again.

Fast-forward a decade. I'm now twenty-four years young. Fresh outta the Quantico Academy, and immediately promoted to the top of the pyramid. Apparently, my skills were famous.

One day, I was on the roof of a building. We were staking out the apartment of our suspect, a man who's pulled over 30 diamond heists and never was caught. I secretly admired him and his brilliance. He evaded us, and security every single time. It was a pure coincidence that we found him. While we were canvassing the area, an old lady told us that she saw a handsome young man walk past her and greet her. He matched the description we had gotten earlier in the week, and we got the old lady to sit with a sketch artist. Then, we ran the picture through facial recognition and got a hit. And now there we were, camped outside his apartment.

I was getting bored, obviously, because that's who I am. So I started admiring the view. My stakeout location was obviously the best, atop a very high profile building, overlooking New York City. I was looking at a particularly well decorated McDonalds, craving some McNuggets when something caught my eye. There was a guitar case. On the roof. What the hell.

My curiosity got the best of me, and I still curse myself for it, but I left my post without a second thought to look at the guitar closer. Maybe I could sell it and buy my chicken McNuggets. I was weird back then, even though it happened like a week ago. Don't judge.

No sound was coming from my earpiece, so obviously, no one needed me at the moment. I eagerly grabbed the guitar case, my imagination running wild with the possibilities of what may be inside. Penguins? A giant chocolate bar?

Nothing in the world could've prepared me for what was inside. It was probably the most beautiful sniper rifle I've ever seen. A CheyTac M200. I squealed so loud my partner from across the street looked at me funny.

I waved him off and took out my baby from its case. It was fully black, dismantled to fit in its creative-looking case, with three boxes full of cartridges just ready to be fired. The only weird thing was the pink, heart shaped sticker that was on the side of the barrel. I shrugged it off, then noticed a folded, pink note taped to the upper lid of the case.

'C, your first assignment is at 40.7829° N, 73.9654° W, on Saturday. The targets will cross each other at exactly 10:54 am. You'll be posted on the roof of the San Remo, on West 74th Street and West 75th Street, three blocks north of The Dakota. Target 1 will be wearing a pink tank top, and target 2 will be holding a silver briefcase. You'll receive a cash deposit of 500,000$ to this account 0500013M026.'

My eyes grew wide, and the gears in my head started turning. An assassin's contract? Here, on the roof? Oh god, what the hell did I stumble upon... Who else would discover an assassination plot before it occurred? I'm the most unlucky person in the world. Anyone would be relieved to save two people, but I was just discouraged by the prospect of more paperwork.

I sighed deeply. The coordinates were of Central Park, that's for sure. The San Remo is a luxurious building, so I didn't see how they could get past security to go to the roof. I looked at the bank account number closer, and I gasped. That... That was my French bank account. What the hell?! This was meant for me? Half a million dollars for ME?

HELL YES! I'm not paid nearly enough for the job I do with the FBI. Why not work for a little money on the side? It would be my opportunity to finally get the hell out of America and spend the rest of my days on a sunny beach in the Caribbean's.

Part of me was yelling 'no it's wrong!' but this part was immediately shut down by the words 'HALF A MILLION DOLLARS FOR ME WHAT WHAT.' Yes, my brain works that way. Let's say I have a... An ambiguous sense of right and wrong.

Fast-forward again to Saturday. Attaining the roof was pretty easy. They'll let you in anywhere when you wear an expensive suit and hold a briefcase.

I finished assembling my rifle around 10:30. Now, I just had to wait.

At around 10:50, I saw the girl in the pink tank top jogging along a path. I readied my rifle, ignoring my human side and high-fiving my dreaming-of-golden-sand-and-blue-sea-side.

At exactly 10:54:03, I saw the man with the silver briefcase getting closer. I put my eye in the scope, zooming in on the girl. In a few seconds, they will pass by one another, and their chests will be right in my range at the same time.

It was my last chance to back off, and turn this rifle over to the FBI. But it's always been a dream of mine to fire one like that. This was by far the deadliest sniper rifle ever made. I can't pass up this chance. Nor my chance at sunny afternoons on the beach in front of a cabin, surrounded by beautiful ladies.

When the opportunity presented itself, I fired, without hesitation. It was one of my steadiest and most precise shots. Pierced both of their chests at once. I did it.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I saw that the money was routed to my account. Half a million dollars appeared in my account, just like that.

I sighed in relief that this was finally over and looked over one last time at my targets.

They were shaking hands, and looking very much in love... and alive.

What the fucking hell.

I looked at my rifle suspiciously, then back at the new couple, who were holding hands and walking together now. Had I failed? But then, why was the money wired into my account? That meant that I did exactly what was expected of me.

That's when my phone rang. I cursed under my breath, and answered in a swift and calm "Ace."

"Good Job, Agent C. Mission Accomplished."

"Excuse me? Is this some kind of joke? Are the bullets blank or something? Is this an FBI test?"

"Oh far from it, my dear. Look at the targets. Don't they look happier now?"

I looked at them and cringed as they kissed. Yuck. "I suppose. What does that have to do with me?"

"You did that. By shooting them, you made them fall in love with each other. Welcome to the Legio De Caritate, agent Cupid."

That's how I became part of the Legion of Love. That's how I became one of the most powerful people on this planet, by accident. I still have no idea how that happened, though.

All I know is that I'm not getting my cabin on the beach anytime soon.  

[the-gsos]

Wizard and Glass Blether

So I’ve been reading Stephen King’s Dark Tower series since the end of last year, when I decided I needed something to fill the epic fantasy series void while GRR Martin continues to do his ‘asthmatic ant with heavy shopping job’ on the Game of Thrones books.

I’m enjoying the books and the fourth volume, Wizard and Glass, which I’ve finished just recently, is probably my favourite so far, but I’ve got a few more specific thoughts on it that I’d like to share with the two or three of you that have clicked on this link, saw that the article isn’t about Italian football (or Scottish bars + pubs) and somehow, inexplicably decided to keep reading. Warning - it’s going to be pretty spoiler-ific throughout, I don’t really see any way to avoid that, so if you plan to read the books or you ARE reading them and just haven’t got to number four yet, you should probably give this a miss. Oh, and there’s the small matter of the film adaptation that’s released in just over a month’s time, which is apparently going to be followed by a TV series that specifically depicts the events of Wizard and Glass (which will sound like a weird idea to the uninitiated, but W&G is a prequel, y’see), so anyone planning on watching those without ever having read the books should also probably stop reading this.

Huzzah, now that I’ve thinned my readership down to about minus three, let’s begin!

My overall impression was that Wizard and Glass is that rare type of book that’s very good but could have been great if only it hadn’t taken the wrong turn at a few key plot junctions.

(Here, have you noticed that I’m adopting more of a conversational, almost vlogger-ish tone with this article? What was that “so” all about in the first line? Eurgh.)

In the intro that’s printed at the start of each Dark Tower book King talks about his inspiration for the series, how he realised at the age of 19 that he wanted to fuse The Lord of the Rings with the Spaghetti Western, to write “a novel that contained Tolkien’s sense of quest and magic but set against Leone’s almost absurdly majestic Western backdrop”. Now obviously I haven’t read volumes five, six, seven and eight yet, but of the first four books it seems to me that Wizard and Glass is the closest he comes to achieving that vision, albeit it does in many ways pick up the stylistic thread of the first volume, The Gunslinger. The Dark Tower books are a bit of a bewildering mixture of genres and influences, but whereas volumes two and three transport the reader (and characters) back and forth between New York in the sixties, seventies and eighties and dystopian, post-apocalyptic landscapes, one and four are basically Westerns with fantastical elements laced through them.

It’s no secret that King is willing and able to bash out some pretty hefty tomes, with The Stand, It and Under the Dome all clocking in at over 1,000 pages, and going by my extremely amateurish internet research Wizard and Glass is the joint fifth longest novel he’s ever penned (although different editions seem to have different numbers of pages; mine has 840, others have 787). That’s pretty remarkable when you stop and think about it, especially given that A) every other Dark Tower novel up until then had been 500 pages or less, and B) it’s essentially one big flashback, a story told round a campfire by protagonist Roland Deschain to quest companions Jake, Eddie and Susannah. The main plot, the one centred on the four characters I’ve just mentioned, only progresses about two inches forward in this enormous book.

The question is, does it need to be quite so long, and the answer is a pretty resounding no. Again, I must stress that I enjoyed it, the last time I read a book that long it took up six months of my life; this took roughly two, so ol’ Stevie’s obviously doing something right. However there are countless passages about the weather and nature in Mejis - where the tale is set - when one or two would have sufficed. Yes, they add a little atmosphere and help the reader envision Mejis, but they also give you the very strong suspicion that King is stalling for time.

“There followed a week of the sort of weather that makes folk apt to crawl back into bed after lunch…”

“The great storms of autumn were still a month or more distant…”

“Some called the Huntress the last moon of summer, some called it the first of fall…”

SO many chapters begin like this, and it’s particularly frustrating given that King has already assembled a great cast of characters by that point and established tension - of both the sexual and violent kind - between them. It’s almost like he’s written a brilliant script for a play and got all the actors he wanted, but is making them wait in the wings while he obsessively tinkers with the stage design and lighting.

Another bugbear is the teenage love story between Roland and Susan Delgado. King admits in his afterword that he procrastinated with the writing of Wizard and Glass because was “scared to death” of writing that story, and well, you can sort of see why. There isn’t a sock in the world strong enough to withstand the force that your toes curl upward with when reading these scenes, which soar beyond even Attack of the Clones’ Padme and Anakin love scenes on the cringe-ometer.

For example: “He uttered a small moaning sigh directly into her mouth. And as he drew her closer and began to trail kisses down her neck, she felt the stone hardness of him below the buckle of his belt, a slim, warm length which exactly matched the melting she felt in the same place. Those two places were meant for each other, as she was…”

Yeah, you get the picture.

That said, teenage love by its very nature is cloying and sickly sweet, King freely admits this sort of stuff isn’t his bag and there’s no way around it if we’re to fully understand why Roland is still so fixated on Susan so many years later. His relationship with her and the agonising manner in which it ends is the central, formative event of his entire life.

More than anything else though, the main thing stopping Wizard and Glass from ascending into the echelon of fantasy classics is the way the antagonists are dealt with. The Big Coffin Hunters are an undoubtedly brilliant creation. Reynolds and Depape may be slightly thinly sketched, but the physical touches - Reynolds’ long cloak, Depape’s gold-rimmed glasses - are enough to make them memorable, and the ringleader Eldred Jonas is a magnificent villain. Cunning, cold and mean, he’s a character that never loses his aura, even when he strides naked onto a balcony at one point. The scene is set for an almighty showdown between Jonas and Roland, but we don’t get one. Instead both Jonas and Depape are shot down easily and matter-of-factly by Roland out in the desert, and Reynolds escapes, but not to be put to any particular use in the remainder of the story. Part of the thinking behind this is presumably the need to demonstrate just how much of a badass Roland was even at the age of 14, and that’s fair enough. No-one’s expecting or wanting him to die; indeed, given the nature of prequels, we know that he can’t. But surely after establishing all that tension for all of those pages, and crafting such a formidable foe in the shape of Jonas, the reader deserves something a bit more prolonged, a bit less one-sided?

There’s also a hint of a bait and switch to it, as Rhea, the demented but ultimately deadly witch character, comes to the fore and plays a leading role in Susan’s demise. That particularly scene is incredibly well done, and while I don’t want to say that I ‘enjoyed’ reading about an innocent teenage girl being burned at the stake, it certainly lives with you.

One more thing: why do both Cuthbert and Alain survive after Roland has hinted at their demises in his interior monologues in the first three books? Does that mean future volumes will include yet more flashbacks? And would that be an admission that King is struggling to pad out the main plot? In fact, don’t tell me the answer to any of those questions.

Anyway, for all its flaws - which I hopefully  haven’t been too rant-ey about - Wizard and Glass is still a helluva page turner and hasn’t changed my mind about wanting to read the remaining books in the saga. I just wish King had made one or two better decisions when it came to the business end of things. Sort of makes you long for those Choose Your Own Adventure books of your childhood…